#she prioritizes her dog over just about everyone in this house and it's so frustrating

[7suns]

~roommate rant~ in the tags

[notebook-13]

Shigaraki • Development

Backstory

(Note: Tenko was Shigaraki’s childhood name.)

First things first: Shigaraki’s backstory is probably meant as an allegory. The house his father built is a microcosm of society, his father Kotaro represents people with power, Tenko represents people without it, and the other family members are bystanders. The power imbalance and communal emphasis on harmony enables Kotaro to take out his baggage on Tenko while Tenko is required to repress his. Resistance, even if it’s minor, causes Tenko to be shunned and beggared, as Kotaro locks Tenko out of the house in the backyard, in the dark, unfed, without even a roof over his head.

Edit: @codenamesazanka​ has an excellent reading of this allegory!

Theirs is a household that prioritizes unity and a façade of happy domesticity over Tenko’s wellbeing. His mom and grandparents treat him gently, reject him kindly, and refuse to admit to him just how terribly Kotaro treats him. Though the three adults understand that Kotaro is the problem (they criticize him in private or cry out futile protests during an incident), they are unwilling to disrespect Kotaro to Tenko’s face. Doing so would mean facing their victim and owning up to their own culpability, too.

So, throughout Shigaraki’s backstory, Horikoshi intersperses black panels with increasing grains of white. This references Shigaraki’s “wound in his heart.”

The first black panel appears when Tenko is crying to his mom, Nao, about his dad; the second appears when he is similarly comforted by his grandparents.

After an episode with Kotaro, Nao hesitantly asks Tenko if he still wants to be a hero.

Nao: “Tenko…do you…still want to be a hero?” Tenko: “Yup. Because like, nobody wanted to play with Mikkun and Tomo. So I said, ‘Let’s play together!’ And we played heroes, and it was super fun. And then Mikkun said, ‘You should be All Might, Ten.’ And I was nice and played with them even though they don’t have any friends.”

It’s hard to follow Tenko’s five-year-old’s logic here, but the gist seems like Tenko wants to be a good person who makes people less lonely, and he thinks heroes do that. The implication, then, could be that Tenko is lonely, and his admiration for heroes compensates for what’s missing in his family (a hero).

What’s also significant is that Tenko noticed Mikkun and Tomo were suffering, and instead of ignoring it or playing along like everyone else, he did something about it. What he emphasizes isn’t, “we played heroes and fought bad guys, it was really cool”; he emphasizes that he was kind, that he helped kids who were lonely. This isn’t a kid who wants to be a hero because heroes are strong.

Also worth noting that in bnha, p much every kid wants to be a hero. By forbidding Tenko from even playing, Kotaro draws a line between Tenko and his classmates: Tenko is not one of them. He’s not allowed to dream he’ll be a hero like everyone else. In a society overflowing with heroes (and with adulation of heroes), Tenko can’t be one of them nor admire them.

^^ the first “wound” panel is the black middle one

When Nao tells Tenko that “it’s hard to be a hero,” especially right after hesitantly asking him if he still wanted to be one, Tenko understands that she’s discouraging him—similar to how Inko apologized to little Deku when he asked her if he could become a hero without a quirk.

When Nao tells Tenko it’s difficult, she’s essentially repeating what Kotaro says (“being a hero will cause him nothing but trouble”). By siding with Kotaro, she tells Tenko that he can’t become who he wants to be. He must conform to authority and let Kotaro determine his life. What he wants and feels don’t matter. Kotaro is right.

The wound begins to open.

Similarly, his grandparents offer him empty comfort because they, too, believe in presenting a unified front. The kids aren’t allowed to be aware that there’s conflict between the grown-ups: rules are rules, instructions from your seniors are absolute, social harmony (and by extension, social hierarchy) has to be maintained. Tenko himself is the troublesome one—he’s the one who needs to be comforted, who keeps breaking rules, who can’t pretend everything is okay the same way everyone else can.

The wound opens further.

The initial wound and its exacerbation are both brought on by his mom and grandparents, not by Kotaro directly. Why? Because it’s the permissiveness of the adults that socializes Tenko in how to react to Kotaro. Kotaro’s abuse is too much for a five-year-old to process, so he trusts the other grown-ups in his life to understand it and tell him how to feel about it/what to do about it.

What they tell Tenko, implicitly, is that his pain doesn’t matter enough to do anything about, and it’s his fault it exists. Underneath, he recognizes this and resents them for it. They might not actively participate in Kotaro’s abuse, but they actively support him by trying to wipe away the consequences without any accountability for the problems. They shift blame to other people (Kotaro, Tenko) without owning up to their own role in the proceedings, so that they can pretend life is good and think of themselves as good people who don’t make trouble.

Tenko has a related “wound” associated directly with Kotaro.

((When Kotaro approaches Tenko to begin smacking him…))

The “itch.”

Tenko is five years old, and kids that young aren’t known for their emotional intelligence. This is his little-kid way of trying to describe his negative emotions: agitation, anguish, panic, frustration, aggression, resentment, desperation, (thwarted) hope, and so on.

Tenko scratches himself frantically because he doesn’t know how else to react to the things he’s feeling, and he doesn’t know how else to react because nobody is trying to help him sort through them. He’s only been told to suppress them. Plus, in adulthood, Shigaraki scratches himself when he’s stressed about something, so it makes sense for this ~allergy~ to be the origin.

I dunno why Tenko fixates on his face—his eyes, specifically…maybe out of shame? maybe because his face and eyes are what express his uncomfortable feelings, and/or because his eyes are what he uses to fruitlessly beg for help? or maybe the eyes out of a desire for blindness, to not see what’s in front of him the way everybody else pretends not to see?

(The irony, ofc, is that Kotaro is accusing Tenko of wanting to hurt their family, when in fact Kotaro is the one hurting their family.

Judging by how Nao and her parents approach Kotaro after the fact and tell him that they will leave if he hits the children again, I don’t think it was common for Kotaro to smack Tenko like this.

Also, this is the first time Tenko is shown scratching his neck: when his thoughts are crying out, help me!)

Tenko isn’t begging mercy from Kotaro, which says leagues about their relationship. Instead, he’s begging for interference from the rest of the family, for someone to stand up for him, to challenge the public humiliation Tenko regularly endures as Kotaro’s scapegoat. Nobody does, of course, like always.

It takes a few hours, locked out of the house, for the trauma to set in.

The wound gets worse…but this time it’s different.

For one, it’s accompanied by dialogue, not narration, and “everyone” is centered right in the core of his rage. The second (iffier) difference is that this time the wound and the itch coincide. In the previous situations, he’s either scratching himself or the wound is deepening. This is the first time Horikoshi depicts the two occurring simultaneously, and it’s this moment that his quirk fully awakens.

Tenko kills his dog and begins to have a panic attack. His emotions are choking him; the only way he can ask for help is to reach out to his sister, finally, in the way he didn’t dare to reach out while Kotaro was smacking him.

I’ve seen people suggest his voice fails as a side-effect of his quirk, but I think it’s trauma-related, not physical. For one, he still describes it as an “itch,” and for two, once he processes his trauma and decides that killing his family wasn’t a tragedy, Shigaraki’s characteristic squiggly speech bubbles are replaced by average speech bubbles.

This is consistent, so, his vocal problem was solved emotionally. So maybe his quirk was reacting to his emotions and placing pressure on his vocal chords? But idk, seems to me it was a psychosomatic problem.

Either way, he kills his sister as she runs away, and her scream attracts his mom and grandparents.

Then comes the fourth panel.

(For context, the narration refers to how his negative feelings towards his mom and grandparents accumulated.)

The whiteness is gushing forth, and it surges when Tenko sees his mom staring at him with terror, unable to summon a reassuring smile or any words of comfort for him.

The noises catch Kotaro’s attention. He pokes his head into the hall and walks through the empty house until he spots the open door to the backyard.

(Tenko has now transitioned to mainly scratching his neck instead of his face.)

Tenko reaches out to someone for the final time, and his (deadly) hand is rejected—smashed away, really.

Kotaro’s life is in danger, he’s shocked by the deaths of his family, he panics, and he reacts cruelly.

The tipping point is what happens afterwards.

Kotaro is surprised and horrified by what he’s done. But, like always, he stubbornly refuses to acknowledge to Tenko his wrongdoing. Instead, he reacts by doubling down and asserting his authority.

“Mommy, why does Father say no all the time? Does he hate me?!”

I’m not sure quite what Kotaro is doing here. At first I thought he was smacking Tenko, the way he did earlier that day, but that blob in the lower right panel is part of the background, not his hand in motion. So instead, it looks like Kotaro is holding out his hand in a “stop, stand back, stay away from me” gesture, or maybe to literally push Tenko away. (Have to wait on the anime, I guess.)

Regardless, Kotaro tells Tenko “no” for the last time. The immediate blame, the dearth of kindness or sympathy, the reaching out to him—someone’s trying to save him!—only to deny him…it evokes their history. Tenko is already in the midst of a meltdown, and now he snaps.

I hate bringing up real-world examples when thinking about stuff like bnha, so I hope this will be the only time I ever do it, but I’m powerfully reminded of a gun violence incident in Mississippi where a nine-year-old kid and his thirteen-year-old sister got into an argument over a video game controller, and the boy retrieved their parents’ gun from another room and shot her.

It’s ludicrous to think he had any meaningful concept of what he was doing, and, regardless of how Shigaraki interprets his past, the same holds for Tenko. Just because Tenko had a good “reason” to want Kotaro dead doesn’t imply he had a meaningful grasp of what he was doing. He killed Kotaro because he was a kid with access to a deadly weapon, and there’s a reason kids aren’t trusted with those.

But it is meaningful that Shigaraki struggles to make the distinction between aggression and murderous intent. AfO deliberately trains Shigaraki to adopt this warped mindset by telling him that his bad feelings, his “itch,” are equivalent to bloodlust. Realistically, there’re plenty of ways to relieve negative emotion, but Shigaraki has been taught exactly one outlet: destruction. So, he doesn’t realize that his murderousness is a product of nurture, not nature. (Also, lol, “murderousness” is a real word!)

Anyways, for the first time, Tenko experiences catharsis for the negative emotions that have built up his whole life. A fluke of fate enabled him to subvert the established power dynamic, and the destruction of the house encapsulates the collapse of their family’s hierarchy. He still doesn’t understand what he’s done.

By the next morning, it’s begun to sink in. He ran away from the house and then wanders the streets, too consumed by guilt to speak, and he’s ignored by everyone. When someone finally pays attention and seems willing to help him…

He smiles, happy that someone is finally going to help him. But his dirty, creepy smile scares the old lady off.

(reminds me of his early design.)

To him, it’s like people can see what he’s done, and that’s why nobody will help him or even acknowledge him. Notice the lower left corner: the blackness and white grains, spilling over from his wound.

The itch returns, and the scratching and the wound overlap again. It’s hard to say whether the wound is reacting to the old lady in general, or if it’s tied to the narration line “being punished.”

It occurs when Tenko simultaneously wants to be saved but also thinks he doesn’t deserve it, that everyone can see how bad he is and knows he doesn’t deserve help.

What did Shigaraki learn from this?

Social harmony is forged by repressing conflict, not by resolving it. This happens at his expense, purposefully.

“This is the house my father built.” Creation, construction, building, making walls, making rules, making—these are bad, and they’re performed by the people with authority and power. These things happen for other people, not for his sake.

He’s not important enough to be helped / not worthy of it, and he resents that.

Origin of his self-loathing.

Other notes:

The “itch” is something he can find temporary catharsis for (through violence), and Shigaraki thinks the itch might have gone away if someone had just helped him. The “wound” is not something that ever alleviates or that he suggests could have gone away.

The wound’s origin is from the complicity of his family to Kotaro, not from Kotaro himself.

It’s interesting that his dream to destroy society is a reenactment of his destruction of his family/house, even though killing “everyone” the first time devastated him.

He switched from mostly scratching his face to mostly scratching his throat.

Both these are sites where emotion is expressed.

Hands are another site of expression, and he later develops his fascination with his family’s hands and uses his own hands for destruction.

Activating decay seems to have hugely worsened the scarring around his eyes. He says that he thought the “itch” had gone away, so it’s unlikely he was scratching himself overnight…so I think his quirk had the side-effect of exacerbating his scars? If decay made the skin around his eyes hurt, that could relate to why he switched to mostly scratching his throat.

Even as a kid, Tenko had a certain amount of pride/dignity, enough to blame others for mistreating him instead of blaming purely himself.

Tenko admired heroes partly because his family lacked one, but when he discovers Nana…? Now someone inside the family (inside the house) was a hero, so the rules were different than what he thought?

Upbringing by AfO

When Tenko killed “everyone,” that included himself. All that’s left of him afterwards is an empty shell. He doesn’t even seem to remember what he’s done.

But AfO is willing to extend a hand and touch Tenko.

He’s willing to acknowledge Tenko’s pain, something nobody else was or is, at the moment in his life when Tenko feels he least deserves sympathy.

Now, obviously it’s hella suspicious that AfO already knows Tenko’s name, knows what he’s done, and procures his family’s hands, but Shigaraki doesn’t seem to question it. Tenko’s arms dangle there, limp, as AfO embraces him and tears stream down his face. And, ofc, AfO echoes All Might’s motto.

AfO takes Tenko in and tells him he’ll be his master from now on. Then…

Tenko viscerally remembers what he’s done, and his immediate reaction is to scratch himself, puke, and then seize the severed hands, gathering them up and cradling them close to him. It’s probably then that Tenko discovers the feeling that Shigaraki describes—of feeling violently ill but somehow at peace, too. (“When a person’s life starts spiraling, what’s the one thing they want? Comfort.”) There’s way too much to unpack here, so, moving on.

The “purpose” that AfO alludes to is the destruction of society/the status quo.

While Tenko is huddled on the ground, cradling the hands, AfO continues.

AfO’s the first person willing to talk to him about his itch as emotional instead of as an allergy. He tells Tenko point-blank that he cannot control his impulses and that his release must take the form of destruction.

This moment baffles me. AfO openly admits that Tenko’s feelings will fade…if left be. As far as we see, he doesn’t explain to Tenko why it’s important that those feelings never fade, why emptying himself of his pain is a bad thing. But even after being told time would heal him, Tenko keeps the hands close to him—and I don’t think he was just doing what AfO wanted.

This panel is also interesting because it definitely makes it look like Tenko’s wound is glowing, like it’s a light in the dark. Also, AfO’s dialogue nearly obscures the early panel of the wound…hm.

Regardless, AfO implies that those feelings are the most important thing Tenko has, and he should keep them close. It’s not specified if AfO told him to wear his family.

Later, Tenko’s wandering on the streets (his hands aren’t with him) when he encounters a duo of thugs, who beat and mock him. At first, Tenko lurches to fight back, but…

I think these are more “wound” panels: the blackness with white grains. He backs down, even though his rage doesn’t dissipate.

When he returns home, AfO encourages him to embrace his feelings instead of holding them back. Tenko literally writhes on the floor from the force of his “itch,” going all out as he wallows in his overwhelming feelings.

AfO tells Tenko that ethics were invented in order to suppress people and that Tenko’s emotions are more important than anything else. Tenko responds by reiterating what AfO told him: he wants to destroy those thugs, and he can’t control this urge to destroy. He goes as far as to disintegrate one of Kotaro’s hands, even though not too long ago he clung onto it.

But, later, he wears his family’s hands for the first time.

Wearing them clearly affects Tenko adversely—he’s struggling to breathe properly, and he’s entirely slumped over. But these hands, and these feelings, are the only things he has left, the only things he knows, and he won’t leave them behind.

He encounters the same duo of thugs and kills them.

His wound again. Formless, but with a sense of shifting and movement. Undiminished, even if the itch is alleviated. Or, maybe this panel is supposed to indicate a deterioration, like the wound gets even worse after the murders?

Observing the event, Ujiko remarks that he’d thought Tenko had lost his memories. I think he’s commenting on how Tenko is wearing the hands despite not remembering who they’re from? 

AfO comments…

Tenko restrains quirk subconsciously, limiting its disintegration to just what he’s directly touching, which makes it seem like he’s afraid of his quirk and feels guilt/self-loathing for it. He’s aware that his quirk is connected to the things he feels, maybe even blames his quirk in some way for making him feel this way.

It’s ironic that Tenko feels free while he’s being throttled and restrained by the hands of his relatives.

lol AfO gives away the game a bit, here. He tells Tenko to do whatever he wants and not hold back, and then praises Tenko for “holding back” his tears. He just wants Tenko to have no way to vent his feelings except violence. Also, the fact that Tenko is “holding back” his quirk…hmm.

Again, too much here to unpack rn, so, moving on.

AfO gives Tenko the hands of the thugs he killed, plus one hand of unknown origin to replace the hand of Kotaro’s that Tenko destroyed. Shigaraki describes the gift as soothing to his battered body, and he felt reborn. AfO gives him the name Shigaraki Tomura ad implicitly positions himself as Shigaraki’s dad by telling Shigaraki that “Shigaraki” is his surname.

What did Shigaraki learn from this?

Morals are illusionary, merely a tool used to suppress people without power in order to make things easier for people who do have power.

His “itch” means bloodlust, and he can’t control it.

He should just do what he wants (except crying, apparently), or else he’ll just suffer indefinitely.

Rejection of a society he had no hand in making and no place to belong in.

Other notes:

Even without remembering his aggression towards Kotaro, it’s Kotaro’s hand he shows the biggest fixation on.

Shigaraki has three “ailments”: the itch (the agitation he feels from bad things), the wound (the “rage” and “frustration” he feels from bystander apathy), and the nausea he feels when he wears the hands (self-loathing?).

Or maybe the nausea is part of the wound?

More on the wound?

I wonder when Horikoshi decided on how to visualize Shigaraki’s pain, and if he uses it as a pattern in bnha.

I’ve noticed a few panels that remind me of Shigaraki’s wound, especially that amorphous panel after he kills those thugs, but it’s hard to tell if the backgrounds are just atmospheric or if there is actually an attempt to connect these moments thematically.

Here are a few that I noticed.

I’m going to keep an eye out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Edit: here’s another one. This is the most definite example so far: it occurs in ch250, post-Shigaraki’s flashbacks, and the distinct circle doesn’t produce an atmosphere the way the previous ^^ panels do. 

^^ it’s worth mentioning that this appears during Fuyumi’s narration, detailing how Natsuo is the only one in the family who can’t move forward, ie, he’s experiencing social pressure to conform and validate Endeavor similar to how Tenko felt pressure to conform to Kotaro’s authority.

And then this next one, I’m pretty unsure about, but I’ll include it in case:

[stitchandani]

Why didn’t Lilo show up to meet Stitch like they promised in 2019. Or at least tell him she couldn’t make it? I know the anime explained it, but from what I hear, it’s a pretty flimsy excuse.

Doverstar Excellent point. This is the big question, isn't it? She did show up, she was just too late. Lots of details under the cut! READ IT IF YOU WANT THE MAIN EXPLANATION, EVERYONE. I don't wanna repeat it a lot (but I will)!

When Lilo graduated college, she had about a day in between the ceremony and her flight back to Kauai to pack up, say goodbye to her schoolmates, and get on that plane. She went home to Kauai to be with her very pregnant sister Nani and brother-in-law, David, and to begin a brief, long-distance relationship with her fiancé, Zeke Lau.

Stitch was slated to return to Kauai in the evening a week after Lilo graduated and came home. He was coming back from his year-long missions in space given to him by the Galactic Alliance. Lilo was on Kauai before Stitch that day, but something happened to prevent her from meeting him until much, much later that night:

Nani went into labor that morning and had the baby (her son, Kai), but it was a hard birth. For one thing, Kai was premature, and for another, Nani had to have a C-section, which is pretty rough on a person. (Don't worry, no gory birthing details would ever be shown in the storyline or artwork! These are just details you'd need now.) The point is, the situation was so fragile, Lilo couldn't get away for ages. She opted to be with Nani during that evening, and knew she'd be late. She tried to get a message to Stitch (and to Pleakley, who was off-planet for a research trip). She didn't reach either of them (by this time Pleakley's ship had crashed on an asteroid belt, so he had no contact with anyone). Stitch didn't have a communicator on him; he had no idea that Nani had gone into labor that day. The last time he'd spoken to the family (the last time he'd had intergalactic service to reach Earth out in space) had been a week earlier. That evening, he had come right off the B.R.B 9,000 with Gantu and Reuben, having used teleportation devices to appear in Jumba and Pleakley's Bed-and-Not-Breakfast (their big red ship behind the house), because that was the quickest way to the beach where he was supposed to meet Lilo. Without pausing to say hello to Page, Gunner, or even Angel in the ship, he headed straight for the rendezvous point. Meanwhile, Lilo was stuck in the hospital further up inland on the island, trying simultaneously to reach Stitch and to find out where the doctors were taking baby Kai next for Nani. It was a super stressful day, to say the least, for all involved. I agree that the anime didn't provide a sufficient explanation for their split, other than the lines "Just because [Lilo] has [a] new boyfriend now and is all washed up with 626...." and "The Little Monster was given a mission by the Galactic Alliance" and "My sister Nani was having a baby and I couldn't get away". That and some flashback scenes in Season 3 Episode 23 were all we got, and it seems so lame and out-of-character that Lilo never called Stitch to tell him it was a misunderstanding, and that Stitch didn't wait as long as was necessary to see her again like they promised. That's why I made Stitch and Ani in 2010. I wanted all those hints we got in the anime to come together and make sense. I mean, why would Stitch not wait? Why did he give up? Why couldn't Lilo reach him? What would make them stop trying and split like that? The answer lies in 2 things: Lilo getting older, and Zeke Lau. I thought, there had to be some reason why Stitch would just leave like that when she didn't show up. There had to be more to the story. So I created more. Lilo and Stitch had been emotionally drifting apart ever since Lilo left for college. Stitch couldn't come with her, and though they called each other and stayed in touch, the addition of Lilo beginning a serious relationship with my character, Zeke, in college (hey, her daughter in the anime had to come from somewhere!) put a strain on their friendship. Stitch has always been the type of character to get bent out of shape when he feels that Lilo is forgetting him in favor of someone or something else. He gets angry, jealous, naughty, frustrated, very insecure. And Lilo has always been the type of character to prioritize other things over Stitch for a while before she realizes it's hurting him. Examples? I'LL GIVE YOU EXAMPLES. IT'S NOT OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY THAT, GIVEN ENOUGH REASON, STITCH MIGHT LEAVE LIKE THAT. READ IT AND UGLY SOB, GUYS:

Stitch gets jealous of a puppy in one of Disney's story-collection books, in a story called Doggone It, Stitch!, and he feels like Lilo doesn't like him anymore because she's taking care of this actual puppy, so he feels forgotten and disappears, and Lilo finds him at the dog pound watching the puppies (she knew he'd be there, it's really cute) to find out how to act cute like they are so that, and I quote "Lilo like him again".

Stitch gets jealous of Finder in the series and tries to out-do him in everything, because Lilo gives Finder more respect and chances to preform than she does Stitch.

Stitch gets jealous of Mr. Stenchy in the series and literally allows Gantu to trash the house and steal him because Lilo gives him more attention than she does Stitch.

In Elastico (again, in the series), Stitch RUNS AWAY FROM HOME because Lilo's special hula dance has taken priority over him and his cousins, and Stitch feels left behind by her poor treatment of him and leaves the family!

In Phoon, he's furious that Lilo leaves him at the house to go and impress the new hula fusion girls in the gated community, and scoffs at Pleakley's fond observation that Lilo is "growing up".

In Stitch Has A Glitch, winning that contest to prove herself to her mom is suddenly the "most important thing in Lilo's life", and she doesn't see that Stitch has a huge problem and is malfunctioning, and she and Stitch fight and argue throughout the film, and he leaves the island (because he feels too dangerous to be around his Ohana) and Lilo never helped him figure out what was really going on. She was too preoccupied with feeling worthy of being her mother's daughter (fair).

Keoni Jameson is a pre-teen kid in the series on whom Lilo has an enormous crush, and in HunkaHunka, Morpholomew, Melty, and almost every other Keoni-centric episode, Stitch unabashedly displays his disdain for Lilo's crush. He thinks it's gross and silly and even though he tries to help Lilo win Keoni over several times, it's clear he doesn't approve. He crumples up her picture of Keoni and throws it in the trash. He makes gagging sounds when she sighs and fawns over him. He groans when Lilo puts off rehabilitating HunkaHunka so that she can spend time with Keoni. He never gets jealous, because Lilo doesn't really neglect Stitch for Keoni, but the idea of Lilo having a crush on someone isn't met by Stitch with anything resembling happiness or approval. Just tolerance.

Now, when Lilo is older and leaves for college and has new friends, Stitch understandably is unsettled at first and feels a little lost without her. Then she re-meets Zeke, and then they start dating, and suddenly Stitch is feeling more forgotten than ever. This isn't like Keoni. Lilo is actually in a relationship with this boy, and it moves fast, and they're headed toward marriage, and Stitch is wondering if things will ever be the same again. He doesn't want to hear about Zeke or talk about Zeke, and he's so rude and nasty about it that he and Lilo end up fighting a lot during the years she's in college. They both say horrible things to each other, and it gets so bad that by the time he's in space for those missions and she's in her last year of school, they still call one another but it feels like it's a risk just to have a conversation. So many things have been said over the years that they feel like they're on thin ice with each other, and everything is uncomfortable. They never resolve it, so it's always hanging over them. Stitch refuses to let Lilo share with him how things are going with Zeke (who she loves, and who is important to her, so that's not fair of Stitch as her best friend to do) and Lilo refuses to call Stitch's feelings anything other than petty jealousy (which is not true of Stitch's feelings, and that's not fair of Lilo not to take them seriously). So they are both wrong. But they never talk about it and confront the main problem, because neither of them want to give in even though they're both quietly hurt by the other all the time, so it's just this cloud hanging over them every time they talk. That's why, when Lilo doesn't show up on the beach, Stitch literally can't take it anymore. This is the final straw for him. Lilo didn't show up, and she promised to show up, and he waits until the sun is almost set and she's still not there and there's no word from her. Did she even come back to Kauai? Is she still on Honolulu with Zeke? She's forgotten all about him. She doesn't care about him. He gives up (he shouldn't, but he does), and he leaves his tiki necklace (which he promised never to take off in Leroy and Stitch, so it's a clear message to Lilo there, yup) on a branch where she can find it and leaves the planet, devastated. He goes on a joyride and doesn't really have a plan, and ignores one or two calls on the ship's communicators from Lilo (he's still crazy upset). Jumba goes after him after a day passes, but they get sucked into a black hole, which transports them 8 years into the future (unbeknownst to them), they end up somewhere else for three more years, reunite with Lilo, and the rest is Stitch and Ani. For Lilo's part, she finally gets away from the hospital when things have calmed down, and it's pouring rain and the sun has set, and she reaches the rendezvous point and Stitch is gone. She finds his necklace and realizes what that means, and she stays on Kauai for another week trying to get in touch with him. Jumba leaves to bring Stitch back and neither of them return. Lilo is absolutely crushed and tries everything she knows to get in contact with Stitch, but Stitch doesn't answer any of her calls. (She doesn't know he and Jumba got sucked into a black hole; Stitch might've answered those calls later if the black hole hadn't happened.) The fact that they've fought so often for 4 years now, and Stitch left his necklace behind and won't answer her when she tries to reach him, really hits her hard and communicates to her that he's never coming back and it's over. She doesn't see Pleakley or Jumba again either. You can imagine how much pain that causes Lilo, to be forgotten and left behind by her own Ohana. Suddenly it's just her, Nani, and David again (and Kai). She can't handle it. Being on the island with all of Stitch's cousins is too much, and Lilo runs from the reality that she might never see Stitch, Jumba, or Pleakley again, and goes to Honolulu to live indefinitely. She gets married to Zeke Lau, they have Ani, she reunites with Stitch years later, and the rest is S&A.

It follows what happened in the flashbacks and hints given by the anime, but you'll notice I didn't mention that Stitch and the others ended up on Izayoi after the black hole incident. This is because, while that is technically canon, Stitch and Ani is meant to be seen either way. They could have ended up on Japan. Or they could've ended up somewhere else. Either way, the theme of Stitch and Ani hinges on the fact that Lilo and Stitch were apart for so long. The theme is forgiveness, and that's why I kept the idea that Lilo and Stitch had a falling out, a misunderstanding, and split up for a while. He didn't have to meet Yuna or anything. But I wanted the anime's explanation to make a little more sense, and there is evidence for it if you work at it. So. That's the story. You'll get loads more details on it throughout the blog, but that is the reason why Lilo failed to meet Stitch.

[jay-me-says]

Things Were Different Back Then

CHAPTER THREE: Tension

Masterpost w/ more info on the fic | Note: all SBI-related relationships here are platonic!

Tubbo wakes with the sun. He hadn’t shut his curtains last night, and the window opposite his bed casts a bright, amber light over him. Despite being tired, and annoyed by the interruption to his sleep, he finds it in him to appreciate how the early morning sun turns his bedspread to flame. He turns his fingers around in the patch of light. It’s like he’s dipping them in magic. The red bandanna Tommy gave him has been sitting on his headboard for weeks, a small comfort in the time his friend was gone. The orange sunlight makes it look especially warm and vibrant.

After lying in bed for a few minutes more, staring at the square of orange light on his covers and skin, Tubbo forces himself out of bed and to his wardrobe. He dresses at a snail’s pace in black dress pants, a pastel green button-up, and a vest in such a dark shade of green one could mistake it for black from a distance. With a black tie in hand, Tubbo sleepily walks out to the living room so he can put on his tie in front of the mirror. The consequences of staying at the bench with Tommy so late last night are catching up to him. Worth it, he thinks.

In the middle of fidgeting with his tie, trying to get it just right, someone opens the door, startling the boy. A brief shot of adrenaline rushes through him as he whips around to look at the front door. His surprise turns to relief and then confusion when he sees Tommy coming through the door. He thought his friend was still asleep in bed- he certainly should be after last night. “Jeez, Tommy. You scared the hell out of me. Where were you so early?”

Walter pads over the couch and hops up, head resting on the arm nearest the mirror. Tubbo doesn’t mind. He reaches out to pet the dog’s big, white head. Tommy plops down on the couch next to Walter as he speaks. “I went for a walk,” he says, then yawns. Henry II squawks from his shoulder in protest of all the sudden movement.  Tommy pets his little, green head apologetically. “Sorry, mate,” he murmurs.

“Well, are you up to going to that meeting with Fundy and Niki today?” Tubbo asks, turning back to the mirror to work on his tie. “We’re planning out the next few rebuilding projects. You don’t have to go, but I figured it would be nice for you to come along. Might help ease you back into things.”

There’s silence for a moment as Tommy thinks it over, then, “Yeah. Yeah, that might be good. When is it though? I think I’ll take a nap if I have the time.  

He must’ve been out really early this morning, Tubbo thinks. “It’s at nine o’clock, at Fundy’s again. So you have a few hours.”

“Right, then. See you in a few hours.” Tommy trudges off to his room with Henry II still on his shoulder. Walter remains on the couch. Tubbo gives the dog one last pat, then heads into the kitchen. He’ll make some soup, he decides. He can reheat some for Tommy after his nap.

Tubbo sets about cooking, glad to have something to do to fill some of the extra time brought on by his early start to the day.

~

The sound of knocking rolls through the house. Fundy gets up to answer the door, knowing it must be the other council members arriving for the meeting, but his grandfather beats him to it.

When he sees Tommy at the door with the others, the fox is a little surprised. He had only expected Tubbo and Niki, especially after yesterday’s conversation. He supposes it makes some sense, though. Tommy should know what they’ve been up to before reclaiming his seat on the council.

After Gramps has warmly greeted Tubbo and Niki and given Tommy a big hug, Fundy leads them to the kitchen. For the second day in a row, they sit at the table and talk.  

Niki places a book on the table in front of her and opens it to a recent page of handwritten notes. Loopy brown font scrolls across the creamy pages. The margins are packed with little symbols and arrows connecting extra notes to lines of text. Fundy wonders if the book would quite make sense to anyone but her.

Readjusting in her seat, she says, “I jotted down some things with Quackity yesterday while we were walking around. We saw a lot, but I want to highlight a few of the things we thought were most pressing.

“First, the water level in the crater is starting to rise with each bout of rain. It is shallow so far, but once it fills up more, we’ll get Drowned spawning. It would be easy for us to fight them off when need be, but it would be safer and more convenient to light the area up before they get the chance to spawn.”

Fundy feels sort of sick at the mention of the destruction his father had caused, but pushes it away and tries to focus on the discussion.

“We could chain up some lanterns,” Tubbo suggests.

“Or use sea pickles,” says Fundy. “It might be easier than dealing with scaffolding and screwing in hooks for chains.”

“You’re right, nice thinking. I’m pretty sure I have some tucked away somewhere, but we could ask for people to chip in anyways.”

Niki marks a little circle next to a line of writing in her book. “I can send out some letters after the meeting asking for help.”

She tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear and continues, “Next, there’s a strip of open land near Party Island. It’s in a spot that would be easy to connect to the paths, so it’s a good place to add something. Quackity and I were throwing around ideas yesterday and our favorite was turning it into a community garden. We could plant flowers and trees and set up some benches. And there could be a designated spot to grow a few crops, like berries and potatoes. Everyone has been good about getting their own food, but it wouldn’t hurt to keep an extra source around.”

“That would be good.” Tubbo shifts in his chair and leans forwards a little. “We could put a chest near the crops and stock it with bonemeal. But that might require us to build a skeleton farm.”  

The four of them go around like that for a while, planning out and prioritizing new projects. Niki and Tubbo do most of the talking, but Fundy and Tommy contribute where they find it useful. Once they’ve gone through Niki’s list, they help her write out notes to the citizens of L’manburg, calling for help and sea pickles, as well as a few letters asking specific people for help with projects.

When they’re all done, Niki closes her book and stands from the table. “That’s everything taken care of for today. I’ll hand these letters off to Ponk to be delivered as soon as possible.” Tubbo and Tommy say bye to Fundy, then leave the kitchen, heading for the front door.

Niki hangs back for a moment, though. She reaches into her book and hands Fundy some loose papers she pulls out. Her promise rings from Puffy sparkles brilliantly in the daylight streaming in from a nearby window. “Will you read over these for me? It’s a few drafts for some of the laws we spoke about last time. I’d give them to Tommy and Tubbo, but you’re better with words than any of us. Figured I would use your skills while we still have you on the council.”

Fundy nods as he takes the papers, glad to have something useful to do. “Yeah, I can do that. Of course.”

Niki thanks him with a smile, then follows Tubbo and Tommy to the door.

Fundy feels good about the meeting. Being on the council had never been something he wanted to do, but it came with certain perks. Like the satisfaction that came as the reward of a productive meeting.

Still, he’ll be relieved when Tommy takes his post back. The only reason he’d agreed to this in the first place was that Tommy and Tubbo asked him to. “No person I would rather have fill my spot while I’m gone. I trust you,” Tommy had said. So, of course, Fundy had said yes.

Although he knew if Tubbo wasn’t already on the council Tommy would’ve gone to the brunette first, it still felt nice to be trusted. He’d been worried he would have trouble earning back trust after the war. For a while, Fundy had posed as a Schlatt supporter, gathering information about the dictator to smuggle back to Pogtopia at the right time. No one else had known he was faking. Much to his relief, he’d been able to slide back into his spot as a citizen of L’manburg easily after the Second Revolution. He was sure a few people had their doubts at first, but as hard as he had worked as a council member this past month, he doubted anyone could question his loyalty anymore. Or he hoped, at least.

Just as Fundy stands to go to his room, planning to start reading over Niki’s papers, Wilbur appears in the doorway again, like he did yesterday. He wears a gray shirt and eyebags.

The tall man is silent for a beat too long to make it not awkward, and Fundy is considering asking him what’s up when he finally speaks. “You could speak up a little more in meetings, you know. Tommy and Tubbo asked for you to fill in because they trust you and value your opinion.”

The critique annoys the fox. His dad is sort of right, but it feels like the only thing he talks to him about anymore is the council. Fundy knows he was never born to lead, and that’s one of the reasons he’ll be glad when Tommy takes his post back. The other is that Wilbur will finally stop talking to him about it.

Maybe it’s his attempt at bonding, the little pieces of advice. Wilbur was a leader once, too. Maybe his father wants to draw a connection between them because of that. But Fundy doesn’t want his father’s advice on improving his leadership skills, he wants his father to have a normal conversation with him. They never talk anymore. Throughout his life, Fundy had always been able to talk to Wilbur about whatever- nonsense, any questions that came to mind. They’d lost that somewhere. Now it was all stiff limbs and awkward comments back and forth.

“I could. I say what I think would be helpful. When I think of more ideas and helpful things to say, I will say them.” Fundy allows his annoyance to seep into his voice, then instantly regrets it. As frustrated as he is with him, the sting on his father’s face makes him want to pluck the words back out of the air and stuff them into the garbage.

Wordlessly, Wilbur walks out of the kitchen and down the hall. A few seconds later, Fundy hears his father’s bedroom door gently close behind him.

Another successful conversation for the books.

~

Tommy had been relieved this morning when Tubbo hadn’t asked where he’d been. He truly didn’t want to explain to his friend that he hadn’t gone to bed. He feels relieved again that their present conversation is staying away from the topic.

It’s just them two now, Niki having gone back home after they left Philza’s. They walk the paths of L’manburg, chatting about the meeting. Which projects they’re most excited for, how soon they think others will be done, what they want to tackle next.

Tubbo is rambling about some ideas he has for the community garden when Tommy realizes where they’re heading. The docks. Tommy thinks about last night and how long he had stood there, letting the waves spray his arms. He hadn’t realized how late he had been out until he’d noticed the horizon turning pink, drawing his attention to his knees, which were stiff from being in the same position for hours. They still ache a little.

Tubbo must realize he’s gone a bit quiet, because he stops talking and follows Tommy’s gaze, then smiles brightly. “I haven’t been here in ages!” he yells.

The brunette takes off for the edge of the docks at a jog. The almost childlike excitement makes Tommy smile and he sets off after Tubbo.

When he catches up, he leans against one of the logs like he’d done last night. He takes one of his pointer fingers and absently rubs patterns across the rough surface. Tubbo is talking, and Tommy tries to pay attention, but continuously finds himself zoning out. He’s still tired, and he can’t seem to push his brothers out of his thoughts. It makes him a little angry. Damn Wilbur for taking up so much space in my head.

Like always, despite Tommy’s best attempts to hide it, Tubbo notices how his friend has shut down. The shorter boy places a gentle hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “You look a bit drained. Do you want to head back to my place? I have to visit with Big Q, but you could stay in and rest for a while.”

Tommy nods, grateful for the out. The pair head back to Tubbo’s. When they get in the door, the brunette half-jokingly orders Tommy off to the guest room before leaving again. Tommy obeys, finding Walter already occupying most of the mattress. He shoves the wall of white fluff over a little, then climbs in next to him and buries his face in his dog’s coat.

Curled up at a weird angle to accommodate Walter, Tommy lets himself feel all the bad stuff. The guilt, the sadness, the anger. He lets it all overflow inside of him, making his heart ache and his eyes glisten. Eventually, the comfort of the bed and the residual strains of exhaustion from a sleepless night take over, pulling him in and out of dreamless sleep.

~

It wasn’t really a lie when Tubbo told Tommy he had to talk to Quackity. He does need to fill in the secretary of state about how the meeting today went and what they’d decided to do. But it could’ve waited, or he could’ve sent a carrier parrot.

Mostly, it was an excuse. He’d wanted time alone to think and to worry. Tommy kept slipping away from him. First at the mention of Wilbur, then at the docks. He would just recede into his own head and that would be it for the conversation. It’s properly worrying Tubbo now, but he doesn’t know what to do for his friend.

The president walks vaguely in the direction of Quackity’s house as he mulls over the Tommy Thing. It feels like no time has passed at all when he realizes that he’s nearly walked right by his destination.

Tubbo backtracks a few steps and goes up to Quackity’s door, then knocks.

The sound of footsteps approaching comes from the other side of the heavy spruce, then the door swings inward to reveal the secretary of state, dressed casually in a hoodie and his signature beanie. A grin cracks his face at the sight of Tubbo. “Hey, man! How’s it going? Come in!”

A small smile tugs on the president’s lips as he greets his friend. Big Q’s energy is infectious, and there’s always so much of it that one could almost reach a hand into the air and grab a fistful of it. It fills Tubbo’s stomach with a certain lightness that floats up into his chest.

Quackity steps to the side to let him by and Tubbo enters the house. A short hallway ends in a living room, with open doorways on either side of the space leading off to other areas of the house. The secretary of state steps past Tubbo and flops down on the couch, gesturing for Tubbo to take a seat. The president makes himself comfortable on the armchair across from him.

“So, how’d the meeting today go? Did Niki tell you about the community garden idea?” Quackity asks.

“Yeah, we all thought it was a good plan. We were discussing keeping some chests of bonemeal by a designated crop area, but we’ll need a skeleton farm for that.” Tubbo goes on to explain the more important details of the meeting to Quackity, getting cut off when he mentions that Tommy was there.

“Wait, I thought Niki said he wasn’t going to get back into council stuff yet,” he says, absently fidgeting with one of the strings on his blue hoodie while he speaks. One of his legs is up on the couch, tucked into his chest with his chin sitting on top of his knee.

“He isn’t- well, not really. Fundy is still officially filling in for him for another week. But we thought it would be a good idea for him to come with us to council meetings. Just to ease him back into things before taking on the full responsibilities again.”

Quackity is silent for a few seconds. The hoodie string lies limp in his now-still hand. His eyes flit up and down Tubbo’s face, studying his expression. Nerves flutter in the president’s stomach, wondering what the other boy is thinking. He’s about to ask what’s wrong when Quackity finally speaks. “Something’s up, man. What’s going on?”  

Tubbo sighs and leans back into the chair a little, caught. He doesn’t even consider whether or not to tell Big Q. The secretary of state had been a good friend to him, always willing to help or lend an ear, and they’d grown closer this past month. Tubbo felt safe talking to him about it.

“It’s Tommy. He’s been sort of off since he’s been back. I’m getting kind of worried.”

Quackity cocks his head to the side. “Off how?”

“He’s been zoning out a lot. Like, one minute he’s talking just fine and the next he’s dropped the conversation completely.”

The other boy is quiet for a moment, readjusting his beanie while he thinks on his response. “I’m sure he just needs more time to get settled. He only got back a few days ago and there must be a lot of memories here for him to deal with. Give him some time to process. And if it’s really bothering you, talk to him. He’ll open up to you if you ask.”

Tubbo thinks about that for a moment, absorbing the advice. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right. Thanks, Big Q, I appreciate it.”

“Anytime, Tubbo.” After a pause, he says, “Honestly, I’m kind of surprised you aren’t the same way Tommy is. You were there through everything, too. All the wars, the explosions. And you were close to Techno and Wilbur, too.”

The president hadn’t really considered that before. He felt he had grieved his losses already, but he suspected there would always be a sharp ache in his chest when he thought of Techno. What he wouldn’t give to horribly fail at practice fights against him again.

Quackity and Tubbo return to the topic of the council meeting, then simply chat about whatever comes to mind for another hour or so. When Tubbo leaves, his stomach hurts from laughing and he feels a bit better. The brunette walks home in the bright late afternoon sunlight, thinking about the advice Quackity had given him. He should talk to Tommy. If only he could gather the courage.

~

For once, Wilbur decided to go to bed at a semi-acceptable hour. He’d pulled plenty of all-nighters in the last month, reading his books well past sundown, but his dad had forced him to bed earlier than normal last night and it had disturbed his unusual sleep schedule.

As he’s about to enter his room, he notices a shaft of light poking out of his son’s room from down the hall. Wondering what he’s doing up so late, Wilbur goes to check on him.

He finds Fundy sitting cross-legged on his bed, looking through a stack of papers atop the cyan sheets. He seems tired. His ears dip ever so slightly and his eyes, peering at the writing, are half-closed.

“What’re you up to?”

Fundy glances up at his father, then looks back down to his papers. “Niki asked me to read over some things for her. Figured I would get to it now since we’ll be out helping for a while tomorrow.” The fox stifles a yawn.

Wilbur had received a note from a carrier parrot earlier, like he assumed the rest of L’manburg had. The note stated that the council was in need of volunteers and sea pickles to help do some mob-proofing under the Stilted Sector, as the section of L’manburg built over the crater had been nicknamed. Wilbur, Fundy, and Philza would all be pitching in. Though, Wilbur’s stomach filled with a certain dread at the thought of being that close to the destruction he had caused.

“Exactly why you should get some sleep soon. It’ll be a lot of work tomorrow,” he says.

“Yeah, okay, Dad.”

Wilbur could’ve sliced through the tension in the room with a sword. He can hardly remember the last time he’d managed to get through a real conversation with his son. He always managed to mess up somehow. But he supposed he deserved it for everything he’d put Fundy, and so many others, through.

Unable to see a way to salvage this pathetic attempt at an exchange, Wilbur awkwardly mumbles a goodnight and heads off to his own bedroom. He forgoes any sort of prep and dives straight for the comfort of the cozy bed and his favorite blankets.

‘

You can also read this on Ao3! | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter Please consider reblogging if you enjoyed! <3

[paintedwithapalette]

Art by @summonerdagger88​

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Memories of You Chapter 12 (snippet)

Word Count: 1,755

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"For a second there, I wasn't sure if you were going to show up,” Naminé said. “I thought you might ditch me for the Guardian Festival."

"Actually, it was the other way around," Roxas said as he took it upon himself to get comfortable and plopped onto Naminé's bed, tying his hands behind the back of his head as he shut his eyes. "I kinda ditched my friends at the festival to hang out with you."

"I still can’t quite understand why you would do that."

Roxas shrugged. "I've known those guys for years and I've been to plenty of festivals and parties with them. I think they'll live. You can always count on old friends, but I think I’d rather prioritize a newer one.” 

Naminé couldn’t fight back the small smile. “I... suppose so.”

“Besides, the festival will be going for the rest of the week. Maybe I'll go tomorrow."

"Yeah, but..." Naminé trailed, twiddling her thumbs. "...I don't want to be the reason for any rifts between you and your friends."

Roxas smiled at her. "You're not going to cause a rift between us. I'm sure they understand."

"I guess I just think the festival sounds a lot more fun than hanging out with me. Aren't I kind of boring in comparison?"

Roxas scoffed. "If I thought you were boring, I wouldn't be here."

Naminé massaged her left arm as she sat on her bed next to Roxas. "Well, I don't think there's much we'll be able to do at my place today. My dad is downstairs and I don't think he plans on leaving, which means whatever we do, we'll have to be quiet about it."

"...Are you hitting on me?"

Naminé's eyes widened and her cheeks flushed once she realized how suggestive her words sounded. "I meant we can't watch bad movies downstairs or something! Get your head out of the gutter."

Roxas laughed. "If you say so." He noticed Mocchi eating in her bowl across the room and sat up. "Mocchi! Come here, girl."

The cat peered her head from her breakfast and licked her snout. She stared at Roxas for a moment before returning to her food.

"Guess she still doesn't like me very much," Roxas said.

Naminé sent him the slightest of smirks. "How many times do I have to tell you she isn't a dog? Cats don't work like that. You have to let her warm up to you."

"How do I do that?"

"Nothing," Naminé replied curtly. "You don't choose the cat, the cat chooses you. She'll come to you once she's more familiar with you."

"Understood, sensei." Roxas tapped his chin. "Guess it's a good excuse to keep coming around more often then, huh?"

Naminé tucked some hair behind her ear. "Guess so."

Roxas cleared his throat and rolled over until he was sitting next to Naminé. "So, what's on the agenda for today?"

Her eyes widened. "You're leaving that up to me? Aren't you supposed to be the one that takes initiative?"

"I was gonna suggest another movie but it looks like that's off the table. Now, I'm kinda stumped."

"Well, I don't know what to do. I suck at coming up with plans, Roxas," she said in a whiny voice. "It's not like it's something I do often..."

Roxas crinkled his eyebrows in thought. "Is it... really such a bad thing if your father sees me?" he asked. "Don't you think it'd be better if you just introduced me? It's not like we're, um... you know."

"R-Right." Naminé kept her eyes trained on her twiddling thumbs. "I'm not sure if that's such a good idea. He gets really... overbearing. My father isn't exactly one to trust people. Even if the situation is harmless."

"Sounds kind of extreme."

"He has his reasons," she said cryptically. 

Roxas searched for a solution in his head. He inwardly admitted he should have come a bit more prepared considering it was the week of the festival when very few people went to work. They sat in a comfortable silence until Roxas snapped his fingers. "Oh, duh. We can just go to my place," he said nonchalantly as he stood up. He eyed her current attire of a camisole and pajama shorts. "You might wanna get dressed."

"Wha—w-wait a minute! Where'd that come from all of a sudden?"

Roxas raised an eyebrow. "You said it yourself: there's not much to do here. No harm in getting some sunshine every once in a while. You look like you could use some," he added with a wink.

She glared at him for his unnecessary comment. "You better not be planning on trying anything funny."

Roxas frowned. "You better not be serious about that."

She gave a trollish smile. "Just wanted to see your face."

Roxas cleared his throat. "Look, are you coming or not?"

Roxas wasn't wrong. Inappropriate jokes aside, what could they do cooped up in her room all day? Besides, if her father unexpectedly dropped in, that would spell all kinds of bad news. But she didn't feel like being by herself either.

"Okay," Naminé muttered. "Let's do it, I guess."

Roxas smiled. "Great."

"I-I hope you realize I'll have to get ready first," Naminé quickly clarified. "I have to take a shower and figure out what I'm going to wear and—"

"What? Aww, come on."

"Hey, even I have some dignity with how I'm presented to the outside world. I mean, just look at my hair and—” 

"Okay, I see your point,” Roxas said, cutting her off before he got a laundry list of Naminé’s insecurities. Though, it earned him a frown in the end. “Fair enough."

Naminé began twiddling her fingers. "Umm, you know you're not staying in my room while I shower, right? I'm going to be getting dressed here."

Roxas felt his face flush when images of Naminé—he stopped himself right there. "I mean, I get not wanting me to see you but we're kind of backed into a corner here."

"Just go wait in Kairi's room or down the hall."

Roxas rolled his eyes. "You and I both know that'd be a dumb idea. I'll just stand in the corner of the room and keep my eyes closed."

"Nope, sorry. Please leave."

"You don't trust me?"

"It's not that," Naminé assured. "It's just... w-weird."

Roxas tapped his foot impatiently. "Well, where am I supposed to go? Out the window?"

Two minutes later, Roxas found himself begrudgingly climbing out the window. He found the circumstance rather annoying considering he couldn't enjoy the AC unit filtering out the sticky, humid air inside of the Villiers residence and instead had to be submerged in his own sweat thanks to the Destiny Islands heat.

Naminé poked her head out of the window and gave him a guilty but gracious smile. "Thanks for understanding, Roxas."

He narrowed his eyes. "Just hurry up."

Roxas sat in the grass with his back against the wall as he waited for Naminé to get ready. He tried to be as patient as he possibly could, but the heat wasn't making it very easy for him. He could barely scroll through social media on his phone due to his sweaty fingers. After an agonizing forty-five minutes, Naminé poked her head out her window again.

"S-Sorry for the wait," Naminé said.

Roxas was quick to get up to his feet. "About time. Pretty sure I was seconds away from a heat stroke. Ready to go?"

"Yeah, um, I think so," Naminé said, trailing off with her eyes darting in all sorts of directions. 

"What is it?" Roxas asked with a hint of frustration. 

"I-I'm, uh... not sure what I should do," she said. "I don't think I can go out the front door. For... obvious reasons."

"Then I guess we only have one option," Roxas said, a smirk playing his lips.

Naminé gulped. "This is weird. I've never jumped out of a window before."

"It's not that bad of a jump. I've climbed up and out of there a bunch of times."

"Yeah, well, not everyone is a stalker like you." Roxas gaped at the jab. "Kidding. I just don't want to break my neck, that's all."

"You're not gonna break your neck," Roxas said exasperatingly. "I'll catch you, okay? Think of it like one of those trust exercises."

"Roxas... there's a big difference between falling into someone's arms who's less than a foot behind you and jumping out of a window!"

"Will you just come on?" Roxas asked as he held out his arms, his impatience becoming more apparent. "We'll be here for another twenty minutes when we could get it over with in twenty seconds. Sometimes, you just gotta take the leap of faith, Nam. Pun intended."

Naminé let out a whiny moan but figured he wasn't wrong. It would be better than having to come up with another lie for her father. "If I die, it's on your conscience."

Roxas scoffed. "Dramatic as usual."

"First things first," Naminé said before tossing out her sketchbook. Roxas caught it with a confused glance but shook his head. It seemed like Naminé didn't like leaving the house without it. He set it on the ground for the time being.

Naminé sat on her window sill with her legs dangling over the ledge. She bit her lip with anticipation of what was to come next. Roxas looked at her from below with his arms waiting for her. He did his best to be patient and gave her a smile full of encouragement. It helped, albeit a little.

"Here goes nothing..." she said to no one in particular. "See you on the other side, Mocchi."

Mocchi only watched confusedly as Naminé kipped herself off the ledge. Mocchi, unsure of what was happening and concerned for her favorite human's safety, made a dash on top of Naminé's bed and peeked outside only to find Naminé firmly within Roxas' arms. She was covering her own eyes with her hands despite wearing glasses. When she opened them, she found that Roxas was carrying her bridal-style.

"You okay?" he asked with a confident smirk.

Naminé returned a shy smile before she felt a sudden wave of heat in her face and she didn't think the cause was the sun. She quickly got out of his hold and picked up her sketchpad from the ground before it could get any dirtier. She turned around, flattened the wrinkles of her outfit, and pushed her glasses up to her face.

"F-Fine. Lead the way."

Link to full fic and full chapter and fic if anyone is interested in reading Memories of You! Thank you so much if you reached this far! 

[onceuponaloonatic]

After Sana and Saya fight, Saya sneaks out of the house, taking matters into her own hands. Satzu panic a bit, but Sana seems more sad than angry. Saya complains to her gf about the whole situation. Maybe they find out someone from their class is on a ventilator and in the ICU and suddenly things seem more real. Saya goes to the store to grab snacks and clear her head, but with every masked or coughing person she sees, it triggers her and she starts freaking out. She calls Sana in a panic. 🦄

Saya groaned as she slammed the door to her room. She was just so frustrated. She felt like her parents were prioritizing her sister over her, and that her feelings didn’t matter. She was less important than her sister. Sure Nico was a baby, so she was pretty defenseless, but still. To Saya it seemed like ever since Nico was born she was no longer as important to her parents. Their attention was directed towards the baby and keeping her safe. Saya hasn’t seen her ka-san in over a month to “keep Nico safe.” She hadn’t seen her girlfriend in over a month for the same reason. It was all Nico’s fault. She was so angry at her parents and that stupid baby. She hated that her parents were always telling her she couldn’t leave the house. If Saya got covid she would literally be fine. She was a healthy fifteen year old, she would be fine. Saya was just so fed up and angry. She decided to take matters into her own hands. 

After slamming her door Saya made sure to lock it. Normally she was never allowed to lock her door, her parents had made that rule when she was little and they first moved to their new house, fearing Saya could get into trouble and her door would be locked. Saya had never touched the lock since, afraid her parents would get mad. But now she didn’t care. They were already mad. She may as well add another thing to the long list of things for them to be angry about. 

Once her door was locked Saya threw on her favorite outfit and looked at the window. She rarely had to open the window, thankfully her parents were rich enough to not really care about ac costs. She knew her friends parents could be really strict about turning the ac on, some of them not even having it. But everyone in their family hated being hot, so the ac was turned on when it was too hot outside. But today she would open her window. It’s times like this she was happy her room was on the first floor. Saya ducked under the open window and walked to the far side of the yard. The living room had big windows and even Sana’s affinity for natural light the curtains were always open during the day. So she made sure to stick by the far side of the fence as she snuck out. Once she reached the end she opened the gate to the backyard, sighing in relief when it wasn’t locked. She really did not want to hop the fence today. 

Thankfully Yujin lived closeby to her. They lived in the same neighborhood so she just had to walk a few streets over and there would be Yujin’s house. Yujin’s family was really nice. She had one older brother who was always nice to Saya and their dog was really cute. Saya’s dogs had both been attached to Nico the day they took her home from the hospital. To Saya, it felt good to be outside of her house, to be taking a walk. The fresh air was nice. Sure they would sometimes have dinner out on the balcony or patio but it wasn’t the same. She was still at home then, that wasn’t the same as going outside. It was still too cold for the pool, and Saya hoped this whole situation was over by summer so they could have the fun pool sixteenth birthday party she had been promised. When she got to Yujin’s house she knocked on the door. SHe had sent a text to her girlfriend that she was coming over earlier. Her parents had already okayed Saya coming over a while ago. Yujin answered the door for her with a smile, pulling her inside the house. 

“My Oppa and parents are at the store.” Yujin responded, sitting between Saya’s legs on her couch. 

“Good.” Saya rested her chin on Yujin’s shoulder. “My parents are driving me crazy, and all because of that stupid baby.” “I’m sorry.” Yujin leaned against her. “Oh speaking of the baby my mom wants to give you some soup she made for your mom, it’s supposed to help keep her body healthy because she just had a baby two months ago or something. I don’t know, childbirth seems really weird.”

“I’ll take it home with me.” Sana kissed Yujin’s cheek. “It is weird. Plus my parents are absolutely insane about Nico not getting sick. Because she’s too young and too weak or something. Also she literally never sleeps, which means my parents never sleep. Why do people willingly do that to themselves?” “I don’t know.” Yujin sighed. “Hey, speaking of your parents, is your ka-san back yet?” “No. Even though she wears lots of protective gear at work she’s still insisting on staying in a hotel. She’s still worried about the baby.” Saya sighed. 

“That sucks, you know now that I think about I think it Jisoo, you know the guy from our class, is in the hospital. I’ve heard he’s in the ICU on a ventilator or something. Apparently he got the virus from going to some underground party.” Yujin looked at the ceiling as her alpha hugged her.

“Really?” Saya asked. “But isn’t he like an athlete?” “Yeah I thought it was weird too.” Yujin shrugged. “Hey I’m getting pretty hungry have you eaten yet?” “No I haven’t. I’m pretty hungry too.” Saya tightened her grip on her girlfriend. 

“We don’t really have anything here though…” “I’ll go get us some snacks if you want.” Saya volunteered. “I mean my parents should be home in like an hour-”

“No no it’s fine.” Saya nodded. “But can I borrow a facemask? My parents would murder me if they found out I didn’t wear one.” They were already going to murder her but Saya wanted to go to the outside world. She hadn’t been in the outside world in forever, and as an extravert it was terrible for her. 

“Sure. We have some extras.” Yujin gently pried Saya off of her and walked over to the kitchen, grabbing her girlfriend a facemask. “You know what I like right?” 

“Of course.” Saya leaned forward and gave her girlfriend a kiss. “One more.” “You're so needy.” Yujin rolled her eyes and pulled Saya into a longer kiss. 

“I haven’t gotten to kiss you in forever. Let me appreciate it.” 

XX

After about an hour of arguing with Saya, Sana decided she was cooled down enough for her to talk to her. She put Nico down for a nap before leaving her, their dogs laying in front of Nico’s crib protectively. Sana made sure to pat their heads before going downstairs. Saki and Tzuyu were watching tv in the living room.

“Hey mom.” Saki greeted as she walked past her. “Hi Saki, hi babe. I’m going to talk to Saya.” Sana explained as she went over to Saya’s room. 

“Good luck!” Saki called from the living room. Sana thanked her before knocking on Saya’s door. When there was no answer she tried to open the door, telling the door she was coming in. But the knob didn’t budge. 

“Saya! Open this door!” Sana yeled, panic seeping into her a bit. The kids never locked their door. Never. 

“What's wrong?” Tzuyu came over from the living room. 

“Her door is locked and she’s not answering me.” Sana explained. “Saya please open this door.” “Here I’ll pick the lock.” Saki volunteered, also wandering over from the living room. 

“You can pick locks?” Tzuyu asked in disbelief as Saki pulled out a bobby pin. 

“I saw a tik tok video on it.” Saki shrugged. She unlocked the door and her moms both thanked her when it opened. Sana ran in, fearing Saya had gotten hurt somehow and was unconscious. She was happy to find that Saya wasn’t lying on the floor, but panicked when she couldn’t find her at all. The door to the bathroom and closet were open but Sananoticed something else was open. 

“Fuck…” Tzuyu muttered when she opened it too. “We need to find her. I can’t believe her.” Sana was scared and panicked of course. Her daughter was missing. But she was also sad. She was sad she had driven Saya to this point. To the point she would run away. She wished they had noticed she was gone sooner.

XX Saya really wishes she hadn’t volunteered to do this. That story Yujin had told her about her classmate really stuck in her head. And the empty streets, the people wearing face masks and gloves, and the people coughing made her realize how serious the situation really was. Every time she heard someone cough she tensed a bit. It was like reality was finally hitting her. The reality of their situation. This virus could literally kill Nico, and it could probably put Saki in the ICU. It made her realize that yes it sucked she wasn’t allowed to go to the store or go to her girlfriend’s house but she was being so incredibly selfish. Her parents couldn’t go to the store either, and they couldn’t see their wife. And her ka-san couldn’t see their family because she was keeping them safe. She knew her ka-san was probably miserable, but she didn’t break her quarantine from them because she loved them and wanted them to be safe and healthy. She realized the outside world that she so desired to go to really was not a great place to be. And it scared her.

She didn’t make it to the store. She walked past an old man who started coughing and she ran as far as she could away. She was scared. She was so beyond scared. And she didn't know what to do. If she went home she risked getting her family infected because she had no idea if she had been exposed to the virus. She didn’t want Yujin to get hurt either, so she couldn’t go there. Saya only knew to do one thing. 

“Mom?” Saya was so relieved when Sana picked up. 

“Saya! Where are you?” Saya started crying at her mom’s voice.

“I’m so sorry mommy.” Sana instantly knew something was wrong. Saya only called her mommy when something was really really wrong. “So so sorry.” Saya sniffled and Sana realized she was crying. 

“Hey sweetheart… I’m sorry. It will be okay.” “Where am I supposed to go mommy? I don’t want to get you guys sick. I don’t want to kill Nico.” Saya sobbed. “I don’t want to hurt any of you.” “Hey shh Saya… You understand why we wanted you to stay inside now?” Sana asked. “Yes mommy.” Saya sobbed some more. “Where can I go mommy?” “I’ll take care of it. I love you so much Saya-chan and this one mistake doesn’t make me love you any less. I know you're sorry, and I’m sorry you're so stressed out. Mommy will make things all better okay baby?” “Okay.”

[illyrianwingspans]

Do Not Go Gentle: Hopeless

Link to song: Hopeless by Halsey

Synopsis: Some fresh air and a little bad news for Feyre and Rhys. 

TW: Mentions of dark thoughts and abuse. Please read with caution. 

Ao3 Link

Chapter 19: Hopeless

“Okay, so this button here is my calendar. It’s all colour coded by level of importance so I ignore the stuff that doesn’t matter and prioritize the things that need my absolute focus.”

Rhys had been teaching me little things here and there about the tasks I’d need to do while working for him, despite the fact that I hadn’t agreed to anything yet. He was meticulous about everything, organized his life to the very minute.

“So what’s this box here in green?”

“That’s Cassian’s appointment with me today. He says it’s to look over possible changes security codes in the building, but I know it’s just to whine to me about his salary being lower than Amren’s.”

“Okay, and this one in red over here?” It read: Extremely important lunch with extremely important person.

“That’s our lunch date tomorrow, darling. Can’t quite miss that, can I?”

I slapped Rhys on the arm and he chuckled before setting his laptop down and heading for the kitchen. He came back with two mugs of coffee, and I thanked him quietly before he sat down next to me.

“I wasn’t told of this lunch date. What’s the extremely important matter we’re discussing?”

Rhys smirked. “Well, we have a few items to go over for your contract, and I need your signature for official documents and the such. Are you ready to sign on at Night Industries?”

I took a sip of my coffee, glancing up at him over the rim. “I guess you’ll find out tomorrow.”

“Tease,” he said before rifling around some more on his laptop. “Have you got a CV prepared?”

“I’d love to give you that, but it’s pretty blank. And my references wouldn’t quite answer if you called.” Andras, for obvious reasons, and the CEO of Spring Corp, for other obvious reasons.

Rhys shook his head. “Sorry, that was a stupid question. Nonetheless, I am looking very forward to it.”

I sighed and lounged across the couch, the very same one that Cassian sat upon last night before flipping the table during our absolutely failed attempt at playing a peaceful game of Monopoly. “Don’t you have better things to do?”

“Don’t you have better things to do than asking me that question over and over again?” Rhys replied as his fingers tapped away at his keyboard.

“Well, there are a few movies on Netflix that seem to be calling my name, but I’m sick of television.”

Rhys jammed his finger on the enter button, and the sound of an email sending filled the room before he closed the top of his laptop. “Let’s go for a walk, then.”

I raised my eyebrows. “A walk?”

“Fresh air. It’ll do us both some good.”

I looked down at the clothes I was wearing, old sweatpants and a hoodie. Rhys only rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen you in worse, darling. Come on. Let’s go.”

***

The park in Velaris was still gleaming with rain from yesterday’s showers. Gravel crunched beneath the sneakers I wore, still muddy and damp. Rhys didn’t seem to mind as his gaze wandered to the river flowing beside us. In the park, others had gathered despite the overcast clouds threatening to unleash their wrath upon us at any moment. We’d driven over and parked the car a few miles back, and walked in silence amongst the sounds of city life surrounding us.

“Do you come here often?” I asked quietly. We’d settled on a bench looking out upon the water before us. Dog-walkers and joggers passed by, just another blip in their daily routine, seemingly so mundane in such an overturned world. Well, overturned for me, completely and perfectly normal for everyone else, though I knew it wasn’t fair to make that assumption.

Pain wasn’t exclusive to one person. Suffering was a whore, and fucked over anybody in its wake.

Rhys said, “I used to.”

“Before?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

He blew out a breath and shrugged. “Lots of shit happened. I can’t even keep track of it all anymore.”

To keep our minds on something lighter, something better, I asked him, “I know you say your employees are your family, but what about the rest of it? Parents? Siblings?”

He chuckled at the first bit and ran a hand through his hair as the wind picked up and whipped at our clothes. “My friends,” he corrected, “are family first, employees second.” He paused for a moment, then continued, “My parents and I had a house on the outskirts of the city, but my mom wanted us to live in Illyria. Her and I moved there after she got pregnant with my little sister, to my dad’s utmost frustration. He finally came to join us when my sister was born, and we lived there all together for a little while until he had to go back. My mom refused to join him.”

“They didn’t get along, I’m guessing?”

He shook his head. “It wasn’t the best of pairings, to say the least, but they understood each other. And underneath all of it, they loved each other.”

It made me think of my own parents. How everything had gone to shit so quickly after my mother got sick, how my dad fell apart in the aftermath. I didn’t remember her, my mother—but I remembered the fallout after her, of which I still sheltered myself from all these years later.

“Where are they now?”

He exhaled sharply through his nose. “About fifteen blocks away from my house.”

“They live so close by and you’ve never mentioned them?”

“I visit them every week. At the cemetery.”

Oh. Oh, gods. I was a horrible person. “I’m so sorry, Rhys.”

He shrugged. “House fire.” A few seconds later, he added, “A freak accident.”

We were quiet for a few moments longer, and I said, “My mother died, too. Cancer.”

“I’m sorry.” Talking about death hurt the most, because what else were we supposed to say to each other? How do any words even attempt to fix the burning voids within us stemmed from their absences? What truly stung, though, was that my mother never even held a true space within me—I did not know her, I only knew the aftermath of her disappearance.

Rhys stood from the bench and wandered over to the river’s edge. He leaned over the ledge of the metal railing, staring down at the thrumming waters, below, and sighed. I took up spot next to him, our biceps pressed together, and the warmth of his touch grounded me despite the cold around us.

I stared at him as he stared out across what seemed like a vast, endless being soaring in front of us. And the lingering pain on his face, clouded with memories unknown to me, was enough for me to say, “You know, this goes both ways. I can talk to you, and you can talk to me. Whenever you need.”

Rhys dragged his gaze away from the Sidra and wondered, “A thought for a thought?”

“What do you mean?”

“I say something on my mind, then you say something. Like a trade.”

My nails dug into the skin around my thumb, a nervous habit I’d never seemed to drop, and winced at the tearing skin. “Okay.”

“I’m thinking that sometimes I want to wipe this whole city off the map so I can start over, and buy us a little more time. I’m thinking that I was an idiot to ever let Hybern sink its teeth into my company and fool us all. I’m thinking that for the rest of my life I’ll be trapped under their thumb, that I’ll be trapped under that bitch and all the havoc she caused my people and I.”

I could only focus on that slip of information. Trapped under who? What woman could’ve caused the agony shining on Rhys’s face, so blindingly painful that he winced at her very memory?

At the question on my face, Rhys only added, “There’s a bit more to the story about my history with Hybern.” Looking upon the peaceful scenery before us, it seemed like a shame to poison it with our misery-soaked words. “It’s for another time and place.”

Maybe it was because of the jagged pieces of truth that he offered me, but it filled with a sort of courage and recklessness that had me quietly murmuring, “I’m thinking that I must have been a fool in love to allow myself to be shown so little of Spring Corporations. I’m thinking there’s a great deal of information and secrets and shady bullshit I wasn’t allowed to see or hear about and maybe I would’ve lived in ignorance for the rest of my life like some fucking pet.

“I’m thinking,” the words choked up in my chest as Rhys’s gaze softened, full of concern and empathy, “that I was a lonely, helpless person, and I fell in love with the first person that showed me a shred of kindness. Of safety. I think he knew that—maybe not entirely, or actively, but he wanted to be that person for someone. A protector, a guardian. And that may have worked for the person I was before. But maybe not for the person I became. Not after…” I couldn’t breathe those words yet. Not after I shot those two people, not after life had gloriously and marvellously fucked me over completely. And though the words were selfish and hateful despite everything he’d done for me, they were a beam of truth I’d kept far, far down in my withered soul, tucked away even from myself.

I’d been gone merely two weeks, and I was already shitting all over his name. I was no better than him, no better than the angered man who’d done everything to keep me subdued.

“That was five. I owe you two thoughts.”

“Keep them. For another time.”

We both looked at each other for a moment, wind off the briny waters ruffling our hair. Rhys murmured, “Suriel used to do this thing at our appointments. Rate my mood on a scale.”

I nodded my head. “I did that, too.”

“I feel like a solid seven, today,” Rhys said. “You?”

I debated it for a few brief seconds, then admitted, “Four.” Better than yesterday, but still not enough.

“Okay.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, and it felt so natural I didn’t even blink at the gesture. “How about I cook some Mac and cheese for dinner tonight. Would that bring you up to a five?”

I only grinned, the slightest curve upwards of my lips, and said, “Four point three.”

***

We sat before the TV, bowls of macaroni and cheese in hand, watching the news. Nothing really exciting—preparations for the upcoming city summit, a shooting in the east end of town, a puppy parade for the local shelter. Rhys told me about the dog he had when he was younger, a loyal German Shepard he adored—but ultimately had to give away after it literally chewed through a wall. It took all of Rhys’s strength and will to keep his father from shooting it.

When we were done, Rhys and I brought our bowls to the kitchen, and I filled the sink up with soapy water to wash the dishes. He did so much for me, carved too much time out of his day for my sake, that it was the least I could do. Despite my protests, he still stood beside me to wipe them dry, our elbows grazing whenever I passed him another rinsed plate. The townhouse was quiet, peaceful with only the soft hum of the TV behind us, that I wasn’t even surprised when it blared Breaking News and ruined the moment.

Rhys shut off the sink and I wiped my hands on a nearby dishtowel before we quickly meandered back to the couch before in the family room. The news reporter was saying words, words that didn’t even make sense—

Then he was there, right there on the screen, as though he fucking knew I was watching him.

Everything else around me disappeared as the CEO of Spring Corporations said, “Thank you for joining me today. Unfortunately, the information I have to share isn’t good, and it breaks my heart to announce that my fiancee Feyre Archeron has gone missing.”

Distantly, I knew that Rhys already had his phone out, probably dialling someone from the Inner Circle to find out what the fuck was going on. I couldn’t listen, couldn’t even think about it as he was standing there at the podium of Prythian Police Station. Cameras flickered and flashed as he paused, then said, “Her location is currently unknown, and she was last seen at Spring Corporations, a safe location she was told to stay until after the scene of our apartment had been cleared, the day of the second attempt on her life. The security footage we gathered shows her being carried out by Cassian Noctis, a current employee at Night Industries.”

“Shit,” Rhys was muttering beside me, “shit, shit, shit—”

“He is currently in custody. His apartment was searched, but Feyre still remains missing. If anyone has any information upon her whereabouts, I beg you to please call the info line on your screen.”

I didn’t think I was breathing. How had they gotten Cassian? When? How come we weren’t called the second it happened?

“Feyre, if you’re seeing this by some miracle,” his voice was thick with tears, and I nearly vomited all over the hardwood floors as his eyes practically bored into mine. “I love you. I swear to all the Gods I will do everything I can to get you back.”

My fingers, with a mind of their own, reached over to the remote and turned the screen off.

“We need to go. Right now.”

Rhys was saying something else, so many things, but I was spinning.

It’s like I could still feel him. I could still feel each and every claw of his control, of his anger—they pinned me to where I sat.

Even from afar, Tamlin held my head under the water. I was drowning. I was screaming for air, but he shoved me into the deep end and let the waves crash over me.

“Feyre, we need to leave.” I didn’t realize he was kneeling before me, his eyes filled with desperation. I didn’t feel Rhys’s arms around me as he lead me to the townhouse entrance. As he fed my arms through the jacket and slipped a scarf around my neck, sunglasses in my pocket. We got into his SUV and he careened it down the street and into the city.

But I was drowning. Consumed by the water. Consumed by the flames in my mind, the towering inferno trapping me. The flames or the fall? Those words played in my mind over and over again as streets passed by in my peripheral vision.

“I’ll go back.” The words escaped my lips before I could stop them, emotion creeping up my chest and searing my throat as my vision blurred. “I’ll go back, Rhys. It’s okay.”

“Don’t take his bait. Let us figure this shit out before making any decisions.”

“He’s never gonna stop,” I breathed. “I can’t keep letting him destroy you guys. I won’t.”

“It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than this to destroy us, Feyre.” He tore into the parking lot and jammed on the breaks when he slid into a space. “Put your glasses on, cover your face with your scarf, and hood up.”

I did as he said automatically, and he came around to my side of the car, equally concealed as me, before we sped to the front doors of the PPS. There were press and cameras everywhere, but I kept my head down, trying to follow Rhys’s tugs on my arm forward and into the station. The yells and raucous was sealed off as soon as the doors shut behind us.

Mor was instantly there, despite the cops’ protests, and Rhys snarled, “Why the hell wasn’t I called?”

“You were called as soon as we knew, Rhys, which was about ten fucking minutes ago. They’ve had him all afternoon without telling us. We thought he left early.”

“Where’s Azriel?”

“On his way. Cassian hasn’t said anything. Amren’s finally in there with him, but we’re not saying a fucking thing.”

“We didn’t do anything wrong, Mor. They’ve got nothing on us.”

“They do until we say otherwise. If we want to clear ourselves, we need to tell them everything.”

Everything. I knew what everything meant. Everything was every bruise, every scar and every cut on my body at his mercy. Everything meant all of me, surrendering my shrivelled soul.

After all they’d done for me, I couldn’t think of anything else to help them. Show them what he did to me, or waltz right back into my prison in chains for the rest of my life.

Mor and Rhys were arguing, and didn’t realize when I stepped up to the counter, peeling off my hood, my glasses, and said, “My name is Feyre Archeron and I’d like to speak with whoever’s in charge of this case. Alone.”

[frankensteined]

DEPUTY ROXANNE BAILEY (made using this template, edited to add/remove some stuff like body temperature who needs that)

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: roxanne bailey (no middle name~) PRONUNCIATION: rox-ann bay-lee MEANING: roxanne means “dawn/dawn of day” or “bright, radiant one” (which i did not know until right now!) REASONING: she was named after her father’s baby sister, who passed away when she was four years old (her father had been eight at the time). NICKNAME(S): roxie, rox, deputy/dep, rook/rookie (by the entire hope county sheriff’s department), “kid” (by dutch), shorty (by unexpected bff sharky boshaw, though he, along with most of her allies, tend to stick with “roxie”), brosenkrantz (by hurk jr, after a very intense debate over which of them was brosenkrantz and which was guildenstern), Various Terms Of Endearment from adelaide (but she calls everyone by those names so it doesn’t really count) re: the seeds and how they address her: • jacob’s taken to condescendingly calling her “precious”. as in, he did not take her seriously at first, so her attempts at bravado when they first met were greeted with a patronizing “aw, that’s cute. that’s just...precious.” so now he calls her ‘precious’ instead of ‘deputy’ half the time and she hate hate hates it.  • joseph has a way of saying her first name that somehow makes her feel like he’s the one that gave it to her, so she prefers him to use “deputy” as well. it makes her feel too exposed, otherwise.  • it doesn’t matter what john calls her; it always sounds like he’s playing with the name like it’s a toy she can’t get back from him.    • and faith asked during their first encounter if she could use ‘roxie’ for her “like we’re friends”, so even though that’s just her regular nickname, the way faith uses it always feels a little like a trap. or an invitation. roxie isn’t sure which is worse, especially since she isn’t entirely sure that it isn’t both.  

PREFERRED NAME(S): “just...anything but what the seeds call me. or the way they call me. ..you know what i mean.” BIRTH DATE: april 10, 1987  AGE: 31 (circa fc5 time, set in 2018) ZODIAC: aries GENDER: female PRONOUNS: she/her ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: biromantic SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual NATIONALITY: american CURRENT LOCATION: hell hope county, montana LIVING CONDITIONS: UHHHHHH....currently not. awesome??? (”occasionally, i’ll find a house that hasn’t been riddled with bullet holes that i can rest in for a couple of hours? that’s fancy.”) often crashes either in fall’s end or nick rye’s house, but will catch a few hours of sleep at various locations that she’s helped liberate when she’s not in that area. nothing has become a sort of “home” for her yet, though. pretty much, as soon as she finds a place with a working shower she’ll plop down for a bit to recuperate and then moves on. likes to talk/joke about moving into the seed ranch now that it’s out of john’s hands, but also worries that if she does that he’ll harm hudson worse than he already has, out of revenge (so for now it’s just stops there to do laundry and shower and that’s probably pushing her luck enough).  TITLE(S):  junior dep-yoo-tee with the hope county sheriff’s department 

BACKGROUND

BIRTH PLACE: america  HOMETOWN: gunnison, colorado  SOCIAL CLASS: lower-middle class EDUCATION LEVEL: high school graduate; was attending columbia unversity on a scholarship (studying psychology), but didn’t complete her program  FATHER: jameson “jim” bailey -- owner of a local hardware store in gunnison MOTHER: elizabeth “liza” bailey (nee wright) -- high school art/music teacher SIBLING(S): none BIRTH ORDER: only child! CHILDREN: hahahaha no  PET(S): she grew up with a bunch of cats and no dogs, though she desperately wanted one. currently, her parents have four cats back home: ginger, roy, caesar, and bunny. in hope county, she has boomer (which is why she got so attached to him so quickly). there’s also cheeseburger and peaches, but they’re....not really pets, exactly (even if she pets them all the time)  OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: lloyd bailey (paternal uncle, lives in missoula, montana), richard bailey (paternal grandfather, lives in flathead county, montana), sarah wright (maternal grandmother, lives in gunnison, colorado) PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: michael lennon; ex-fiance. (he insisted on going by “len” which, now that she’s long out of that relationship, she jokes “should have been my first red flag that we weren’t going to last”. gets roasted pretty regularly by her friends in hope county over it after they find out: “your judgment’s been pretty good so far, but then again: you were gonna marry some dude who wanted people to call him len...so...”, etc)  ARRESTS?: nope! PRISON TIME?: ...not unless you could the literal cage that jacob’s kept her in~ DETAILED BACKGROUND:

• her father, jim, was born and raised in flathead county; he was the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister, but lost his sister to an accident when she was four years old. he and his older brother became inseparable, and on his twenty-first birthday they set off on a roadtrip around the country, just to see what else was out there

• her mother was born out of wedlock to a woman who “found god” after she discovered that she was pregnant and was subsequently abandoned by her lover; liza wright never knew who her father was, as her mother refused to tell her, but she was assured that she was considered a gift, rather than a punishment.

•  jim and liza met when the brothers ventured through gunnison while on their trip; initially, it was lloyd who was interested in her, but jim’s soft-hearted demeanor was much more appealing in the face of his brother’s louder presence, and lloyd bowed out graciously. it quickly became a whirlwind romance, but liza called it off once he started talking about just staying in gunnison instead of completing his trip. jim told her he’d be back once he was done, but she didn’t believe him. she should have; he returned that fall, hoping she hadn’t moved on. she hadn’t. they resumed their romance, much to her mother’s displeasure, and were married the following spring (also to her mother’s displeasure)

• jim got work at the local hardware store, while liza began her career of teaching at the local high school. she’d planned on just teaching one subject, but due to a series of administrative mishaps she took on an additional role as the music teacher as well. within a year, though, she discovered that she was pregnant. they hadn’t planned on having kids so soon, but there was no helping it. jim ended up taking over the store, while liza worked until she couldn’t anymore. their daughter was born the next spring; they named her in honor of jim’s baby sister 

• roxanne was a healthy, happy baby, but her parents were finally beginning to come down from their whirlwind relationship, and began to worry about money more and more. they did their very best, and they loved their daughter, but roxanne grew up thinking that it was normal that her father was only around for dinner time at 6 pm, and that he was in bed by 8 o’clock. she grew up thinking that it was normal for mothers to stay up late into the night with work, so she’d need to put herself to bed from the earliest age she could. she grew up entertaining herself, but needing to be quiet about it, lest she wake her father, or interrupt her mother’s grading or lesson planning.

• she grew up lonely. roxanne has very vivid memories of sitting on the school steps, watching parents picking up their children one by one, and having to wait until well after everyone else had gone home before one of hers remembered to get her. she remembers being embarrassed as her teachers had to sit and wait with her, and she remembers being in third grade and deciding to try to just walk home on her own; naturally, she got lost, and was found crying on a corner by the sheriff. after he drove her home, arrangements were made for her grandmother to begin picking her up and keeping her at her house until one of her parents were done work

• sarah wright might have disapproved in her daughter’s choice of career, her choice of husband, and her choice in her granddaughter’s name (she had been hoping that liza would have at least given roxanne her name as a middle name!), but she wasn’t a cruel person, and she tried her best to make her home accommodating for her increasingly moody granddaughter. roxie would later go on to recall how her grandmother would refrain from bludgeoning her with “too much church talk”, but she would make comments such as “i’ve been praying for you lately, because i know you aren’t doing it for yourself”, and other such things that would sour her on faith in general, but she shrugs it off by adding “at least i wasn’t alone all the time”. it was her grandmother who suggested she try some sort of physical activity to get her frustrations out, and she enrolled her in dance lessons, which roxanne would stick with for much of her adolescence.

• by middle school, roxanne’s moodiness had given way to real, proper anger. she was angry at her father for always being at work instead of spending time with her. she was angry with her mother for prioritizing other people’s children over her own. she was angry with her teachers for innocent infractions, such as not realizing that casually suggesting that her parents could help her with her homework felt like the equivalent to open mockery to her. eventually, the anger turned into acting out, which eventually landed her in a chair opposite a children’s counselor; here, she’d actually begin to voice these issues, which delivered a much needed wake up call to her parents. they began to seek out ways to better balance their lives, and roxanne began to realize that she rather enjoyed being able to see where her anger was stemming from, and see where it was going. it was her first brush with understanding psychology, and that redirected her focus towards the subject once she hit high school.   

• speaking of which, things improved by the time she entered high school. it helped that she was now seeing her mother regularly in school, and she got a part time job as a waitress in the diner across the street from her father’s store so she could see him on his breaks, but beyond that she simply...had a place to put her energy now. more accurately: her goal was to get out of gunnison, and to study psychology. everything else seemed to fall into a strange, but welcome place in the background. her family began taking yearly trips to visit her uncle and grandparents in montana, where they would go hiking and camping, and her uncle would introduce her to bird watching. those trips became some of her fondest memories

 •  she worked her ass off in high school, academically-speaking, in order to have a shot at a scholarship. her mother’s position definitely helped her to at least get the audience she needed to apply for one, but roxie somehow, miraculously, managed to get one to her top school of choice mostly through her own merit. she left for columbia university, and while she was feeling wildly out of her depth there, she managed to attract a small bunch of (much more well-off) friends who saw her as a “project”. it wasn’t a flattering comparison, but by this point she had come to attach herself to anyone who actively appeared to choose her over others, and so she was inducted into their numbers and it shielded her from getting too in over her head, financially and emotionally 

• one member of that social circle was michael lennon, a bio-med student, son of a senator, asked that everyone just refer to him as “len”, who, for reasons she still doesn’t understand, decided that he needed to pursue her. he was far from her type, and she turned him down initially to focus on her classes, but that only increased his interest. despite herself, roxanne was flattered by the attention, even if he was self-important. eventually, they began dating, whereupon he introduced her to things like galas (which she hated), yachts (which she hated), and how to fly his own, personal, two-seater plane (ridiculous...but she kind of enjoyed that). eventually, he asked her to marry him, and, again, for reasons she still doesn’t understand, she accepted his proposal. (...it was because it was the ultimate “i choose you” display. that’s the reason, even if she doesn’t want to acknowledge that)  

• back home, her father’s struggles with money only increased, and her mother returned to throwing herself into her work at the school. it became the perfect storm needed for a man by the name of “cal jethrow” to waltz on in and offer jim help, only to turn around and con him out of everything. jim had thought that he was going to expand his business, and that could keep him afloat, but by the time that cal vanished (with his fakey-fake name), he was left with nothing. as soon as roxanne had all the details, she was already on a flight back home. her parents had told her not to return, but she ignored them. len had told her not to go, but she ignored him. her return home was bittersweet, but she was in a better position than any of them were to dig her heels in and try to help her parents back on their feet

• len told her that if she stayed, their engagement was off. with a detachment that really should have tipped her off to how little she actually loved him, roxie replied “then it’s off.” he then went on and told her to hold onto the ring “for when she came back around” (because he’s a jackass). she turned around and pawned it as soon as she got off the phone with him, so her father could keep the store running for the next month. with her life firmly turned on its head, she began looking for work that would help her help her parents, and found herself facing that same sheriff that had helped her all those years ago. she was trained up, and joined the ranks of the sheriff’s department as soon as possible.

• eventually, financial matters smoothed, somewhat, but issues between jim and liza only worsened. their relationship, which had never exactly been on anything other than shaky legs to begin with, had been strained to the point of fraying. they were forced to admit that they were struggling during another trip to montana, after jim’s mother’s passing, and roxie, attempting to keep her own anger in check, asked them what she could do to help beyond what she’d already done for them. they admitted that they were blaming themselves, and each other, for her returning home, so she suggested that she just stay in montana, with her uncle lloyd, for a while in order to give them space to figure their own shit out (direct quote). so, that’s what she did. 

• her uncle was (self-appointedly) tasked with helping her find a job in montana, initially in missoula, where he lived, but he heard from an old friend, earl whitehorse, out in hope county, that he was looking for a new deputy. lloyd and his niece debated the position, with him filling her in on hope county’s history, and the cult that was operating within it, framing it as nothing she couldn’t handle, given her psychology background.  “you think i can, what, deprogram people in a cult?” she asked.  “christ, no! you just won’t get scared from it, is all i’m sayin’! anyways, those seeds are keeping to themselves, so i hear. you probably won’t even see them very often. it’ll be breaking up barfights and handling domestics, just like you’re used to!”  she considered her uncle’s sales pitch. “alright,” she shrugged. “give your buddy a call. what’s the worst that can happen?”     

• freshly relocated to hope county, roxie found herself immediately taking a liking to sheriff whitehorse, as well a fellow deputies joey hudson and staci pratt. they welcomed her with genuine warmth, taking it upon themselves to give her rides to work, as well as good-natured hazing (referring to her exclusively as “rook” when it wasn’t just ‘rookie’, and teasing her when she decided to wear the nickname as a badge of honor, since she already was a bit of a dork as far as bird knowledge went). by the time us marshal cameron burke appeared, tasking them all to accompany him in his arrest of joseph seed, pratt and hudson had delivered her one last prank: they’d had her uniform shirt ordered with the name “rook” on it instead of “bailey”. roxie found it hilarious, but nancy, the dispatcher, assured her that she’d already placed a new order for a proper uniform shirt for her. roxie dramatically thanked her for being the only person to have her back. (*sad trombone noises*)

• on the way over to the compound, while on the helicopter, roxie was checking her phone for the briefest of refreshers on the project at eden’s gate. her mother attempted to call her, but she dismissed it, intending to call back later than night, after the arrest was done and they’d all gone home.

• and. well. ....here we are. (note: at the time that i’m writing this, roxie’s sitting just shy of full resistance points in all three territories, but she’s yet to confront any of the heralds in their final encounters yet. so, that’s where i’ll be imagining her at for the most part, because it’s a fun dynamic to be playing around with, in terms of her relationships with all the other characters)  

OCCUPATION & INCOME

PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: does “deputy with the HCSD” even mean anything anymore? she isn’t exactly getting paid right now... SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME: ummm...selling pelts?  TERTIARY SOURCE(S) OF INCOME: UMMM....looting peggies? APPROXIMATE AMOUNT PER YEAR: $Who, cares, about, money, right, now. ?? CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: “...y’know...i think my job could be better these days...”  PAST JOB(S): waitress, deputy with the gunnison county sheriff department  SPENDING HABITS: she’s actually always been pretty frugal, but given her current situation she’s more willing to part with funds for the sake of better supplies (or clothing). mostly, her response has been “why are you making me pay for this when i’m helping--no. you know what? fine. just give me the keys to the helicopter.” (Capitalism Never Sleeps, roxanne)  MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: a necklace with a gold wishbone pendant; her mother gave it to her when she was leaving for university, “for luck”. it has since absolutely gone missing thanks to the nightmare that is her current life in hope county, but she doesn’t know when she lost it. could have been when john had her in his bunker and he was prepping her for confession. could have been when she was being dragged into a cage at jacob’s behest. could have been while she was wandering around in some bliss-fueled hallucination. she doesn’t know, it does upset her, and, yes, she’s taking it as a sign that her luck’s running out.   

SKILLS & ABILITIES

PHYSICAL STRENGTH: 7/10 (she’s stronger than she looks and has decent enough upper arm strength to pull herself up ledges and ropes without struggling, but she’s also not going to win any brawls unless she ends up with an unexpected advantage) OFFENSE: 6/10 (knows how to fight, But Would Prefer Not To) DEFENSE: 8/10 (knows how to defend herself And Prefers That Very Much Actually) SPEED: 8/10 (outruns a lot of chosen in their helicopters. pisses them off. pisses the seeds off. feels good. ♥) INTELLIGENCE: 7/10 (she was a good student and has a good enough head on her shoulders, but generally isn’t too above average outside of her preferred interests) ACCURACY: depends on her condition 8/10 (generally, pretty good! she hates it!) AGILITY: 8/10 (can successfully walk in a straight line and run without tripping, can dance well, but has also slipped off a dock and fallen into the water while trying to be sneaky, so...) STAMINA: 5/10 (running on fumes most of the time these days, but still does just enough to keep going!) TEAMWORK: 9/10 (she prefers to work with others! the only times that she tries to go it alone is either if she thinks a situation is going to be too dangerous for them, or if she’s experienced something especially upsetting. she can quickly get called out of that funk by someone simply reaching out to her, however, so all in all she’s a really good team player) TALENTS: ignoring the practical skills she is honing during this ordeal (ie: picking locks), she has a stupid amount of knowledge about birds and how to get by in the woods, thanks to her uncle. she’s also a fairly skilled dancer (she was absolutely That Person who went out to clubs to actually just dance when she was in university), but generally just prefers to dance like an idiot to relieve stress. she’s a little bit crafty, too, thanks to her mother’s background in the arts, but her talents are limited to making non-fancy jewelry (though she will friendship bracelet the hell out of someone if given the chance)   SHORTCOMINGS: not so great with melee weapons/hand to hand sorts of situations and has been knocked on her ass too many times to count. she’s also not super wild on heights, so every time she needs to climb something high her heart’s firmly lodged in her throat.     LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english is the only language she speaks fluently, alas DRIVE?: she’s a great driver! [footage not found] JUMP-STAR A CAR?: she can get it eventually, but definitely not on the first try. luckily, she travels with much more competent car-lifters :’) CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: if she has to but there are so many abandoned vehicles everywhere is it really worth it when you can just take a new one?  RIDE A BICYCLE?: yes!  SWIM?: yep, and she’s had to do a lot of it lately, unfortunately. she’s always in need of dry socks :( PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: her mom tried to get her into playing instruments when she was younger, and she can pluck away at guitars well enough, but she never stuck with anything long enough to get really good at it PLAY CHESS?: hahahahahahaha no. BRAID HAIR?: yeah, but she can’t remember the last time she’s braided anyone’s hair (including her own) TIE A TIE?: yep! PICK A LOCK?: heck yes that was the second or third perk i unlocked for her

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: krysten ritter EYE COLOR: hazel  HAIR COLOR: black HAIR TYPE/STYLE: shoulder length, straight. ties it back when it’s hot out.  GLASSES/CONTACTS?: thankfully unneeded (though she will wear sunglasses if she finds a cool pair)  DOMINANT HAND: right handed HEIGHT: 5′9″ WEIGHT: 130 lbs BUILD: slight EXERCISE HABITS: running and hiding and climbing and crouching and swimming and absolutely none of it is done for fun :) SKIN TONE: fair TATTOOS: none yet PEIRCINGS: she has her ears pierced once in each ear, but nothing more fun than that MARKS/SCARS: she’s absolutely covered in scars across her torso/arms/back/legs these days (or, if they aren’t scars already, they’re definitely going to be once they’ve healed up properly!). by far her most concerning scar is the one on her neck that came from a wolf attack, uncomfortably close to a spot that’d have been pretty fatal if she’d been less fortunate. she’s also got a burn scar on her upper left arm thanks to being too close to sharky being sharky (she doesn’t blame him, though. honest accident!)     USUAL EXPRESSION: lately it’s been like this when it comes to seeing what an epic shitstorm she’s landed herself in, but prior to this she was much more relaxed and oftentimes open, if not downright playful, with others. that side still shines through when she’s with her friends in hope county, but it’s getting harder and harder to feel that way the worse and worse it gets. still, she’s trying to keep it together.  CLOTHING STYLE: currently she’s stomping around in a tank top, jeans, combat boots, and a hat on, but even before coming here she was always a pretty basic jeans/t-shirt type of person. doesn’t get too attached to clothing these days, because it always gets damaged if not literally torn off her JEWELRY: the aforementioned necklace that’s gone missing, as well as some larger rings that she’s found in abandoned houses throughout the county that she keeps on to add extra insult to any punch she might need to deliver.  ALLERGIES: n/a DIET: ironically, she eats fresher food now than she did before coming here. her current diet mostly consists of whatever gets hunted/fished up and whatever canned foods she finds in prepper stashes around the county, though now that the resistance has reclaimed a number of farms she’s been able to enjoy more variety. is gonna storm john’s bunker for a chocolate bar someday, though, seriously PHYSICAL AILMENTS: just...basically perpetually injured at this point. always at least a little Fucked Up 

PSYCHOLOGY

JUNG TYPE: i took three different tests to see and in two of them she got the “hero/champion” archetype, so that’s what she is (as much as it pains her) MBTI: ENFP ENNEAGRAM TYPE: six “the skeptic” MORAL ALIGNMENT: neutral good TEMPERAMENT: choleric ELEMENT: fire PRIMARY INTELLIGENCE TYPE: interpersonal/intrapersonal MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: she was neglected for much of her early upbringing, and with that came issues involving anger and attachment. while she was in a much healthier place recently, some of those issues are resurfacing as she’s feeling more and more pressure from dealing with This Mess  SOCIABILITY: prior to all of this, roxanne was slow to engage with others, but quick to befriend and trust them if they showed her an equal level of enthusiasm towards her. that’s essentially still the case, and she certainly excels when she’s in groups of people, but she’s becoming obviously more withdrawn and jumpy, finding it hard to accept praise or to feel like others are being honest with her when they thank her. but she still thrives off of that validation, so she keeps herself surrounded by other people as often as possible.   EMOTIONAL STABILITY: L O L it’s all over the fucking place these days. she has a hard time controlling her anger, but on the flip side she’s also become even more fiercely affectionate and protective towards her friends. some days, she will swallow back every feeling she has, and the next she might end up crying over any little thing. her emotional state is kind of like sharky’s homemade, duct tape reinforced flamethrower: it’s holding together, but you’re always gonna be a little worried that it’s gonna blow up and take out everyone around it under the wrong circumstances.  OBSESSION(S): for the sake of keeping sane, she’s 100% thrown herself into collecting the comics and bobbleheads and whatnot that she comes across. sometimes, roxie and her team will search a house that contains nothing but a baseball card for her collection and still consider it a success COMPULSION(S): she’s compelled to...break every tv set she comes across that’s broadcasting something she doesn’t want to see on it :) PHOBIA(S): shockingly, she’s developed an extreme fear of drowning! wonder where that came from. ADDICTION(S): she’s addicted to validation and having people choose her (going all the way back to her childhood, where her parents often did not prioritize her over others, despite their best efforts). this really, really isn’t something that she acknowledges in herself, but it does explain her responses to the accolades the people of hope county throw at her: even though she absolutely doesn’t think she deserves it, it keeps her going. she tells herself it’s because she has to keep going for them, and that’s true(!), but there’s a part of her that is sated in having others validate her. unfortunately, that also subconsciously influences her responses to the focus the cult has on her as well.      DRUG USE: recreationally in her youth, but hasn’t done any for some time. (unless you count helping aaron kirby/tweak out once by being his guinea pig) ALCOHOL USE: occasionally; more so when stressed, though she tries to keep a clear head as often as possible. still, if it’s there, she’s gonna drink it. PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: ........guilty.

MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE: she’s fairly blunt, but surprisingly playful even now. keeping a sense of glibness to her responses, hopefully, masks just how poorly she’s coping with all of this. it isn’t all a front, though: she does genuinely speak with levity when she’s with her friends, enjoying being able to banter and joke with them, because they bring out the best in her. she used to be much more mouthy towards her enemies, until she saw firsthand how her allies were faring in their clutches. now, she saves those kinds of comments for just the right level of tension. there’s no sense in antagonizing them verbally when they’re in a better position to hurt her friends than she is to save them.

ACCENT: american QUIRKS: • even before coming to hope county, she was someone you could count on to always have gum on her person, and that’s especially true now. she’ll use pieces of gum as a peace offering/extending of an olive branch to people who don’t quite trust her, figuring that even the grumpiest of people can be won over thanks to the promise of fresh breath these days.  •  she also tends to “ask permission” of her animal companions before doing something dumb or reckless. if cheeseburger didn’t say no, then it’s fine, right? NERVOUS TICKS: fidgeting and picking at her hangnails  DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: • from the beginning, her main drive was to understand herself, which fortunately branched out to understanding others. that’s how she came to understand and make peace with her parents, it’s what made her able to harness her own negative emotions (...usually), and it’s what made her think that she’d fare okay in hope county in the first place. she’s still trying to understand these people, as much as she is trying to survive them. •  she also, of course, wants a place to belong to. so much of what she grew up tolerating was in the name of being wanted and appreciated, and whenever she finds that it becomes dear to her, even if it isn’t necessarily a positive thing (ie: frickin’ len). thankfully, the friends she’s made here are quite happy to accept her into their numbers, so she doesn’t need to pull validation from elsewhere (even though...it’s out there, in some twisted form)  • also, revenge? vengeance? not a positive goal, but!! it’s in there, simmering! FEARS: she fears so much lately it’s easier to list what she isn’t scared of, but obviously the biggest one is failing everyone that’s counting on her. it’s dying here. it’s her own mind, thanks to jacob. it’s joseph. but also, it’s turkeys, because those assholes are bloodthirsty. POSITIVE TRAITS: roxie is loyal to a fault, and absolutely fails any attempt she makes to turn her back on someone that she could help. she’s genuinely affectionate with her friends, and enjoys having inside jokes and opportunities to be silly with the people who like having her around, which, all in all, makes her a really good friend. she grew up without many of those, so she tries to be better than what she started with.      NEGATIVE TRAITS: roxie’s prone to flashes of anger and tends to hold grudges because of it. it makes her somewhat vengeful (part of why she leaned toward law enforcement was because she liked to imagine taking down the guy who conned her dad), which can sometimes make her take risks she really shouldn’t. she has a stubborn streak that borders on foolishness at times, and that makes her unable to just walk away when it would be better for everyone involved. she also does not handle loneliness well at all.

also she’s been turned into a brainwashed attack dog whenever jacob plays his gd song SENSE OF HUMOR: her own brand of humor is pretty dry/sarcastic/it’s-a-defense-mechanism, but in the right company she’ll lean into being silly/absurd and goofing off a fair bit (traveling with sharky and hurk together really brings that side out the most often, though nick and adelaide can get that too. she at least tries to be more serious with grace and jess, but between the three of them she’s probably the most likely to goof off). roxie does find sharky and hurk’s nonsense genuinely hilarious about....85% of the time, and although adelaide’s style doesn’t match her own at all, it still cracks her up a lot of the time as well (in an incredulous way). DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: only when stressed :) which :) i mean... :) :) :)

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: dancing ♥ ANIMAL: birds (except turkeys. she knew true betrayal when a wild turkey first attacked her)  BEVERAGE: no one believes her when she says this, but it’s really just any herbal tea! COLOR: the kind of deep orange you associate with autumn FOOD: blueberries! she likes blueberry flavoured anything. (least favourite: peas) FLOWER:  peonies  (least favourite is.....bliss flowers. obviously. but also roses, because she associates them with cheap apologies) GEM: citrine HOLIDAY: halloween! (all about that fall aesthetic) MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: cars, though she’s getting less rammy with big fuckoff trucks in hope county :) (least favourite is probably the quad because she. tends to crash them.) MOVIE: the wizard of oz (least favourite: moulin rouge, entirely because of “el tango de roxanne”. or, more specifically, how it influenced people to say her name for like five years after the movie came out)  SCENERY: as shitty as her situation is, montana really is beautiful, and she appreciates a lot of the natural sights around when she’s moving from place to place SCENT: fresh laundry is always a good one, but she’ll be the first person to admit that a really nice cologne or perfume will turn her head quickly. it’s a weakness. (least favourite is....uh. the smell of burning bodies, which wasn’t something she’d ever expect to have firsthand experience with, but here we are.) SPORTS TEAM: “uh....go cougars?” WEATHER: the kind you get right before a storm is rolling in, though she’s also fond of a good ol’ thunderstorm as well. (least favourite is snowy anything. she does not enjoy winter) VACATION DESTINATION: ironically, it used to be camping in montana. now it’d be...literally anywhere but here.

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: being able to see her parents again GREATEST FEAR: “i just don’t want to die here.”  MOST AT EASE WHEN: she’s taken to setting some time aside for herself to play with boomer, or to lounge against cheeseburger when there’s some precious downtime. sometimes peaches will come lay across her lap then, too, and there’s something really reassuring about having these apex predators just relaxing with her, knowing that they’ll keep her safe.  also, the jukebox at the spread eagle often gets hijacked after really stressful days, and being able to dance for a bit without worrying about an airstrike or something interrupting does wonders for putting her at ease. sometimes, her friends will put the music on for her and force her to dance with them when she’s in an especially bad funk, and it’s hard to really stay up in her own head when she sees them go to that much trouble for her sake ♥ worth noting: most of this dancing is not, strictly speaking, good, but it is ridiculous and fun. (and that’s valid!) LEAST AT EASE WHEN: joseph seed is making very intense eye contact with her (which is the only way he seems to make eye contact with anybody, in his defense) WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN: she literally can’t think of anything at this point that could make things worse for her, save a literal, actual apocalypse hahaha :( BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: retaking the hope county jail and saving sheriff whitehorse. having him back has been the first real sense of normalcy to return to her life, and was the push she needed to press on towards trying to locate and rescue hudson and pratt.  BIGGEST REGRET: ...failing thus far to save either hudson or pratt. in joey’s case, roxie can sort of forgive herself, because she wasn’t in the absolute best position to be able to rescue her, but having been so close to her that she could see the tear tracks on her cheeks while john was wheeling her out of the room still weighs on roxie even now. she can’t stop to think about what she left hudson to deal with in there without feeling sick.  in staci’s case, the feelings of regret and guilt are even worse because they’d come so close to being able to escape jacob together, but it was never enough. pratt had saved her, and he was left behind to suffer for it. she’s taken to smashing every tv she comes across that’s looping that video of him being left to die.    MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: probably this moment when she first met hurk. it was a Class Act. BIGGEST SECRET: the seeds get to her. they’re in her head, she can’t shake certain things that each of them have said to her, and it all really boils down to the fact that a part of her -not even a part that she wants to recognize or acknowledge - thrills at the attention they have fixed on her. that part of her that yearns to be a priority is grateful, in a twisted way, that she’s apparently worth more than just a bullet in the head to them. that’s the part of her that’s keeping her skirting between territories, rather than just finishing it with the heralds one by one. roxie doesn’t accept that that’s what’s happening to her, but if she’d just stop to really think about it...she’d see that it’s true.   • despite the warnings, she can’t help but...wonder if maybe faith is actually sincere but has been manipulated. if maybe she could be reasoned with. she doubts it, but roxie has to admit that hearing faith’s accusatory “i thought you were different!” made her feel. well. bad. (roxie’s totally wrong about her, and she’s been warned against faith by loads of people, but. oops.)  •  she isn’t....not attracted to john. like. aesthetically. it’d be an absolutely terrible idea, she would hate herself if it happened, and she loudly rejected both sharky and adelaide’s observations on their dynamic, so she’s not even thinking about it, but. ...well, anyway. that’s one of those take-it-to-the-grave secrets so shh  •  out of all of them, despite what everyone else has done to her, the one that’s gotten to the her the most, the one that scares her the most, the one that’s seen through her the most, is joseph 

TOP PRIORITIES: “stay alive, save my team, save my friends, save the rest of the county, if i can. stay alive some more, finish this, then sleep, for a long, long time.” 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #262

WoW will probably start to take over my life again tomorrow oof so expect surveys to slow down some.

What do you wish people wouldn't call you? The only one I don't really like is Girt calling me "kid." He doesn't mean it in a derogatory way or anything like that; he's just always called me that since I was a high school freshman and he was a senior. Now as an adult that's been through things I don't believe anyone deserves, it's kinda weird but more so frustrating as, regardless of his intentions, I somewhat feel belittled. I've never said anything directly about my discomfort, though, so it's my own fault. I just don't want to make him feel bad for doing it for years lmao. What do people say about your name upon learning it for the first time? They don't say anything; my name is very ordinary. Why did you choose the hair length you have? I have a few reasons. The biggest is because I was just bored of average, long hair, and the fact I was at the time having a very hard time with self-care. My hair would get incredibly knotted to where it was hard to even brush it sometimes. Makes me shiver thinking back on it. For my own sanity and ease, it needed to be gone. Also, with how STUPID hot I get, cutting it all off helped with the weight of my hair (it's v thick) but more importantly how hot it made me it the warm months. Zero regrets chopping it all off, omg. If your hair could be ANY color, what would you pick? At this very moment, I really want silver hair. Do you wish your hair was longer or shorter than it is now? It needs a trim. Do you think you're attractive? (It's okay to say yes =P) No; I think I wouldn't look ALL to bad if I lost some more weight (I've literally been on a weight loss plateau for two fuckin years). When I was perfectly healthy, I didn't think I was very pretty even back then, but now that I look back, I feel I was decently pretty. Not gorgeous, but. What is your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne. :') What is your favorite movie? The Lion King. The second one is like directly behind it. Finding Nemo is also very precious to me. What is your favorite book or magazine? The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton and Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. What is your favorite song? Ugh, this is impossible. I love way way too many. I suppose maybe... "Death Inc." by Motionless In White? Idk. What is your favorite color to wear? Black, duh. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? South Africa because I want to spend time with and take pictures at the Kalahari Meerkat Project and especially pet a Whiskers meerkat. I WILL cry. Meerkats literally changed my life. So many people I wouldn't know... If you got the chance and wouldn't get caught, would you cheat on a lover? NOOOOO the guilt though. Someone drops a fifty dollar bill and doesn't notice. Will you tell them? Definitely. I'd feel awful otherwise. Would you ever pierce something on your face? I already have my lip and tongue pierced, and I did have my nostril pierced, too. I want more, particularly an undereye microdermal if I can switch to contacts... which I don't like. I think it'd look pretty dumb with glasses. Are you selfish? EVERYONE should be to a degree depending on the occasion. Doing what is best for you is not a bad thing. Are you mean to people who are different from you? Wow no. I find people "different" from me interesting. Do you make fun of obese people? By the BMI definition, I am one of those people. So take a guess? Do you eat when you're upset? I have to fight that extremely hard, because I usually do experience the impulse to comfort eat when I'm very depressed. I've gotten way better at it, though. What if you had to choose between feeding yourself or feeding your pets? I honestly don't know for sure what I'd do... but I think I would prioritize my pets, honestly. It would break me to watch them suffer and lose weight. What if you saw someone being beaten on the street? YOOOO I READ THIS AS "EATEN" FIRST. But anyway I'd call the cops ASAP. There's a possibility I'd intervene if I felt myself capable of taking on the assailant. What if it was you being beaten? According to the night terrors I've had beyond count, curse like a motherfucker and fight back while calling for help. Who's the most important person to you (related)? Mom. Who's the most important person to you (non-related)? Sara. What's more important to you, happiness or success? Happiness. What's more important to you, your happiness or someone else's? Depends on the person. List the ten most important things to you: Oh, yikes. No order: 1.) My peace of mind, health, and happiness; 2.) my family; 3.) my pets; 4.) my career future; 5.) my friends; 6.) a YouTuber I've never met lmao; 7.) my pebble from my partial hospitalization program; 8.) Teddy's ashes; 9.) the Mark mug Sara gave me sobs; 10.) and the RP site I'm on. Like if it disappeared tomorrow with all the profiles and history and stuff I would break the earth in half oof. Have you ever lived in a mobile home? No. Have you ever had your bedroom in a basement? No. How many times in the past week have you eaten fast food? Hm. I don't think once. In the house - shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet? Bare feet.\ Do you consider dogs inside or outside pets? Usually indoor, depending on the breed and the time of year. What’s your favourite piece of furniture in your house? ig my bed? Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s parent? Yikes no. Do you prefer carbonated or uncarbonated drinks? Sucker for carbonated over here. Favorite thing that you can see up in the sky? A full moon. Would you rather eat at the table or in your room? I'm so used to eating in my room. Do you like the sound of birds singing when you wake up, or is it annoying? I love it. If someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it? I'd love to, but it'd really be my mom's choice. What’s your ideal activity for a rainy day? Nap oh lawd. Favorite type of cracker? Cheez-Its. Banana sandwich... yum or yuck? Only yum with peanut butter. Animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out: Spiders. Bagels or English Muffins? Bagels. Do you like to daydream about sex? I do it sometimes. Which of your parents do you laugh more with? My dad is really funny. Have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral? Wake, yes. Who mows the lawn at your house? A family friend. Have you ever written a story from beginning to end? When I was little and was writing that meerkat story, yes. I started on the sequel but didn't get far. What’s a big turn on for you? Being genuinely interested in what makes me me. Actually wanting to know the littlest things about me. Just show sincere interest. Are you doing anything tomorrow? I do know I'm fuckin finally getting my laptop home. Does your car have a name? N/A Do you own clothes from any celebrity clothing lines? No, but a bitch is getting a Cloak shirt or hoodie at some point. Who was the last person you ranted about? My bitch of a cousin for being a disrespectful fuck when all my dying grandmother wants is to talk as a group with the whole family. I ranted to Mom though, not in the group chat because I'm actually mature enough to not talk shit when, again, all our grandma wants is peace and love between us at the end of her life. I was SEETHING. Know any magic tricks? I don't remember any. I LOOOOOVED those magic kits as a kid, though. Is there music in your head right now? Right now "Dirty Pretty" by In This Moment is on, so does that count as "in my head?" Would you like to become a dancer? It'd be very cool, most certainly, and due to taking dance classes so long, I tend to think of potential dances in my head when I hear like... any song, lol. I'd love to be one if I had the grace and endurance + no hyperhydrosis. Name one person of the same sex as you you wouldn't mind doing: Hunny I'm bisexual, there's a lot, lmao. Dream woman? Uhhhh. Maybe my friend Alon. She was like one of my first hints I wasn't straight, lmao. But idk, I find soooo many women to be attractive. What is the most gory film you've seen? One of the Saw movies. What a surprise, ik. Ever fallen down a hole? ZOINKS no. Do you work better in a clean or messy environment? Clean, durr. Do you know any vegans? Only online. Do you like bananas? I am VERY picky with bananas. They have to be perfect. My preferred ripeness lasts only like, two days. .-. What's a film you've seen that confused you? Oh boy, idk. I don't watch many films... especially if I'm confused and the plot isn't great, I'll stop watching. WAIT!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! I went to see Warcraft when it came out and I was so fuckin lost just because the orcs' voices are so goddamn deep that I just sat there like "uhhhh sir come again????" I didn't play Classic, and I'm not great at remembering every aspect of the plot, so. I'm to this day p confused lmao. Do you ever wear black lipstick? I really only ever wear black. What is next to your bed? I have a white shelf to my left where I put my meds, a drink, the fan... that kind of stuff. My cat's food bowl is to the right of it on the floor. Are your fingernails dirty? Nope. Have you ever fell for someone believing you could "fix" them? Not for that reason, no. Describe a picture of yourself that you hate: LASKJDLKFJAOWJE my friend took a picture of me eating a hot dog once and joked she was putting that shit on Facebook and it was funny as shit but thank Christ she was in fact joking. Would you rather play a good or an evil character in a play? While I'd love to be the evil one, I'd probably make it too cheesy because I am a BAD actress. Has anybody ever lied to you just to impress you? Story of one of my "best" friendships. What's your favourite shade of blue? Baby blue, probs. Can you remember a world before iPods? I do indeed. On rides to school when I sat in the back, I would bring one of those portable CD players with me to play discs. Where did you go on your last date? I can't remember the place's name... Lume's? Something like that? Breakfast place in Illinois. Do people find you "cute"? It happens sometimes. Who does the best remixes? Oh idk, I don't pay much attention to this. Where do you get your news? Facebook, lmao. What social stigma does society need to get over? What DOESN'T it need to get over???? What was the last photo you took? Probably something funny on Facebook to send to Sara lmao. I will get memes to her some way. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed? As badly as I want to say dragons, I don't think it'd be a great idea, heh... Maybe dryads. What are you interested in that most people aren't? As of recently, TARANTULAS. I've fallen in LOVE with them. What's the most ridiculous thing you have bought? No clue. What sounds hit you with major nostalgia every time you hear them? The gem collecting sound from Spyro. It was my text ringtone on my last phone! I need to move it over to my current one. What was the biggest realization you have had about yourself? I was possibly the bigger villain than Jason in the breakup. But idk. What topic could you spend forever talking about? Gay rights. Which way should toilet paper hang, over or under? In the original patent, it was designed as going over. GMM knowledge. Therefore I find over as correct, BUT I ultimately don't care like... at all. I don't even really notice when I go in the bathroom. Are you usually early or late? Usually slightly early. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics so I could be a more helpful member of society alksdjfka;lw What is the most annoying question you've been asked? It's not really like, annoying I guess, but the closest would be just how frequently people see my lip ring and ask if it hurt. It's incredibly sensitive skin, and even if it wasn't, a needle went all the way through it. Like... guess. News flash: being stabbed hurts, lmao. Like I always explain that it's not awful, but duh, there is pain. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Yummm chocolate. What was the worst phase in your life? 2020 thinks it's a bad guy, but lemme tell ya, shit's got nothing on 2016. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? I hate sprinkles on anything. Just an annoying texture with negligible flavor. The last time you went out to eat - what did you order? It was just a milkshake. Do you have all 32 teeth? I'm missing two wisdom teeth that just never grew in. Do you know how to do the moon walk? Never tried. What is one of your favorite comedy movies? White Chicks. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yeah. I don't think I do. Onion rings or french fries? Fries. Not an onion ring fan. Who is the best cook that you know? Sara's mom is great, omgggg. She's cooked things I generally don't like yet I wound up enjoying. Can you name 3 different dinosaurs? Let's see: Spinosaurus, stegosaurus, velociraptor. I was a dino kid, man, just gettin' started. *finger guns* What's the largest amount that you can juggle at one time? I can’t juggle. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? I'd daaaash for the swingset. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much? Ummm I think 6-something pounds? 7? Where do you spend most of your time at? At home. In my bed. Exciting stuff, y'know. What noise does your favorite animal make? If my memory serves me right, they have over 40 vocalizations, but I'd say barking and chirping are the most ordinary/basic. Have you ever fallen in the toilet when you were little? lol I don't think so. What is the best kind of mac & cheese? I'm a basic-ass Velveeta bitch lmao. Who is your favorite oldies band? Boy oh BOY, you're asking a classic rock/metal addict. Of course it's Ozzy tho. But I love soooo many!! What is your favorite farm animal? Pigs! Do you like to play Monopoly? I'm not a big fan, no. What is the most fun restaurant you have ever been to? I like the vibe of Buffalo Wild Wings. Or I just have good memories there. What size bra do you wear? I'm actually not sure. I haven't bought new ones in a while and I don't think the ones I currently have are the right size anyway. Do you have a ceiling fan in your room? No. Who was your favorite Sesame Street character? I don't remember too well, but I think Cookie Monster? What about Muppet? Idr. What was going through your mind during the presidential campaign? I am sadly paying no attention. What do you think of the Duggar family ( 17+ kids )? Could you handle taking care of that many children? Ew, hell no. I don't believe the number of children warranted in a family should be legally monitored, it's much more difficult than that, BUT RATHER I'm very firm about knowing when it's more than enough. Population control is a thing. NOBODY needs that many kids imo, not even close to that. So far, what is the number one, best decision you have ever made? How has it affected your life? Letting go of Jason/accepting life without him. It has made my life much, much brighter and healthier. Have you reunited with any old friends recently? Was it awkward, or just like old times? No. When was the last time you talked to your first ex? February of 2017. Wow... been a long time. How different is your online personality from your offline personality? I am MUCH more outgoing and talkative online. What are your favorite holiday-themed movies? Jim Carrey's How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Hocus Pocus, The Nightmare Before Christmas, etc... Do you listen to Christmas/winter-themed music when the season comes around? No. Is there anything that you do that’s potentially controversial? Yes. What is your most recent obsession? Most recent, whew, tarantulas. I'm really gonna try talking Mom into letting me get one when/if we move. Do you say “merry Christmas” or “happy holidays”? To you, does it really matter which one is said/you say? Do you do your best to remain politically correct? Instinctually, I say "merry Christmas;" that's what has always been said around me. I personally see zero problem in calling it whatever... Like just appreciate someone wishing you well. You get the concept, and that's all you really need imo. As for political correctness, I'm kinda... down the middle? Like I feel it's been taken way, way too far, but I see some caution in wording as wise. If you could relive one week of your life, which would it be, and why? Would you do anything differently, or keep it all the same? Ugh, my first visit at Sara's. I just loved it so, so much. I think I wouldn't change a thing. It felt perfect. Is there a part of your life you wish you could remember, but can’t? Sometimes when I take these surveys and they ask "how old were you when...", ha ha. Frustrates me. What was the last thing/event to trigger a painful memory? It was last night, actually. The Final Fantasy VII remake is out, and I started watching a YouTuber I like play it. Jason got me to play the original, playing it a lot when we spent time together, but I only got a bit beyond half-way through before my PS3 broke. Cherished memories, so it was decently triggering indeed. I loved the game though and ABSOLUTELY want to see it played out in its entirety, so I shoved past the pain and am glad I did. Now I'm anxiously awaiting the next video aljkdsjfawe Y'ALL I wanna play more FF. What do you think of people that choose not to vote? I can't say anything, seeing as I never have voted before... Are you keeping anything from the people you love? Nothing important, no. Have you ever written a suicide note, whether joking or not? Yes, and that stupid novel is one of my biggest regrets. Who the FUCK would joke about that, though. When was the last time you let something ‘go to your head’? Not even like an hour ago. This happens allllll the time. When are you most likely to show off? Maaan Guitar Hero used to be good for that shit, ha ha. I was an expert at that back in its day. I haven't played it in forever, and on the rare occasion I do, I am suuuper rusty. Which would you prefer: spectacular view of the ocean, or of the mountains? MOUNTAINS!!!!!! Do you follow any dating rules/play any dating games? No. When was the last time you felt extremely confident about something? ME????????? CONFIDENT???????????? WHAT A CONCEPT!!!!!!!!!! When was the last time you blew the seeds off of a dandelion? Wow, not a clue. Probably not since we lived at my old house and I would go on walks down the path. What was the last thing that happened that you couldn’t explain? Oh I dunno. What do you do with all of your spare change? I just keep it in my wallet. Where did you hear about your all-time favorite band? He was and still is one of my mom's favorites! How many cans of soda do you drink in a day? AHHHHHH soda is my biggest nutritional weakness. I refuse to let myself drink more than one a day now though. It's funny and disgusting, when I was HEALTHY AND SKINNY I could on a rare occasion start a fourth can in a single day. Nowadays the thought almost makes me shiver. What is the oldest thing that you own? and the newest? The oldest thing, ummm. Not sure. Probably a stuffed animal in the attic. I just got two new books today! Is there anything you wish you had never found out about? Yep. A number of things. What is something that you refuse to believe in? Astrology. What is something you wish more people believed in? Gay rights. What food is your ultimate comfort food? Ice cream. Have you ever put anything inside a time capsule? What? OMGGGG I remember doing this in elementary school as a class! I don't recall what was in it, though. Is there too much violence on tv, or are people to sensitive? Too sensitive, but also negligent. It's got a lot to do with raising, imo. Don't show kids wild shit at too young of an age, and when they are shown this kind of stuff, you make it obvious that the behavior/content is unacceptable irl. Entertainment is not responsible for someone's shitty actions made with their own volition. What is something you used to fear, but no longer do? My first huge fear was thunderstorms. Now I enjoy them lol. Do you think it’s important to know a 2nd language? Not mandatory, no. Especially depends on if you're going anywhere. Do you know anyone that’s just naturally good at almost everything? My old friend Hannia IMMEDIATELY came to mind. She was the best in class GPA-wise, first chair for flute in band, and just in general STUPID talented. Do you know anyone that’s just bad at everything? BITCH ME What is one emoticon you use often? A sarcastic :^) or <3 What is one emoticon you almost never use? A lot, particularly ones with equal signs for eyes.

[bountyofbeads]

Trump, frustrated by unpopularity with Jews, thrusts Israel into his culture war

https://wapo.st/2zfPtcc

“In his typical buffoonish way, he thinks that by [pushing] out these instructions, essentially, to American Jews to get in line and become his supporters he’s going to be successful,” Shapiro said. “It’s all shaped by his narcissism. It’s all shaped by his transactional nature. It’s all shaped by his insatiable need for praise and confirmation of his greatness and appreciation for the gifts he’s bestowed on whoever it is he’s courting. And it’s not going to fly with this community.”

Trump has no concept of history or religion. His whole life he has done and said things to create conflict between groups of people and promoted or engaged in racism. He's has always believed in his own superiority over others, thinks he knows what's best for everyone and is unwilling to listen to other people's views. The danger in this current moment is the fact that he has surrounded himself with white nationalist sycophants who have their own agenda and no one who's willing to challenge his ideas or actions. My greatest fear is he will create a problem or situation, as he sees he losing the election, with the help of others to try to stay in office.

Trump, frustrated by unpopularity with Jews, thrusts Israel into his culture war

By Philip Rucker | Published August 22 at 6:00 AM ET | Washington Post | Posted August 22, 2019 3:49 PM ET |

President Trump decided long ago that it would be smart politics for him to yoke his administration to Israel and to try to brand the Democratic Party as anti-Semitic.

He set about executing a pro-Israel checklist: moving the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem, recognizing the Golan Heights as part of sovereign Israel, and taking a hard line against Iran. And he promoted himself as the greatest president — a deity even — for Jewish people.

Yet Trump has become flummoxed that Jewish Americans are not in turn lining up to support his reelection, according to people familiar with his thinking, and he has lashed out in predictable fashion.

“If you vote for a Democrat, you’re very, very disloyal to Israel and to the Jewish people,” Trump said Wednesday on the South Lawn of the White House. He was amplifying a statement he made in the Oval Office a day earlier: “I think any Jewish people that vote for a Democrat, I think it shows either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty.”

Trump’s use of the word “disloyalty” drew immediate criticism from Jewish groups, whose leaders said it echoed anti-Semitic tropes about where American Jews’ loyalty lies. The president insisted his comments were not anti-Semitic.

Regardless, this turn in the president’s rhetoric about Jews magnifies his transactional approach to politics and his miscalculation that his hawkish interpretation of support for Israel should automatically translate into electoral support from Jewish Americans.

It also reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of the motivations of many Jews, who are not a monolithic voting bloc but rather prioritize a wide range of issues — not only Israel, but also education, the economy and the environment, as well as civility and morality.

“He is reflecting a concept of Jewish Americans as single-issue voters around Israel, which we’re not; that we’re uniformly hawkish on these issues, which we’re not,” said Jeremy Ben-Ami, president of J Street, a liberal pro-Israel advocacy group. “In reality, what matters most to us are the exact values that the president is spending his term trashing. We care about equality and justice, and we embrace the notion that this is a nation of immigrants and opportunity for all.”

Looking to his 2020 reelection bid, Trump is thrusting Israel into the culture wars he has waged as president. He is trying to make support for Israel a litmus test — along with immigration and guns — and calling Democrats anti-Semitic to fire up his base.

Daniel Shapiro, who served as U.S. ambassador to Israel under President Barack Obama, said Trump’s expectation that Jewish people vote for him because of his record on Israel is “breathtakingly cynical.”

“In his typical buffoonish way, he thinks that by [pushing] out these instructions, essentially, to American Jews to get in line and become his supporters he’s going to be successful,” Shapiro said. “It’s all shaped by his narcissism. It’s all shaped by his transactional nature. It’s all shaped by his insatiable need for praise and confirmation of his greatness and appreciation for the gifts he’s bestowed on whoever it is he’s courting. And it’s not going to fly with this community.”

Trump’s transactional expectations for Jewish voting patterns reflect how he views other voting blocs. He routinely defends himself against charges that he is racist by citing the relatively low unemployment rate for blacks on his watch, as well as the criminal justice legislation he signed last year, as if those are the only issues of concern to black voters.

Trump has claimed a “Jexodus” movement of Jews from historically backing Democrats to Republicans. But polling shows this may be more fantasy than reality.

In the 2016 election, 71 percent of Jewish voters cast ballots for Hillary Clinton and 23 percent for Trump, according to exit polling. Gallup tracking poll data in 2018 showed that just 26 percent of Jewish Americans approved of Trump’s performance as president while 71 percent disapproved, making Jews the least likely of any of the religious groups studied to support Trump.

Trump has been told over and over again that he is “the most pro-Israel president ever,” according to a former senior administration official, delivering on a wish list that includes recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel — but the official said Trump is angry that he has not received more plaudits from Jewish Americans. Trump contrasts his unpopularity with Jews to the overwhelming support he enjoys from evangelical Christians.

This official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to speak candidly about the president’s mind-set, argued that Trump’s rhetoric of late is “a manifestation of frustration of not getting the recognition and the praise and the support that he feels like he deserves as a result of what he’s done.”

Trump placed an early bet on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and they forged a close alliance, but Netanyahu faces a difficult reelection bid next month, and a loss would be devastating to Trump. Furthermore, Trump’s push for a Middle East peace deal has stalled, and the Palestinians have rejected the U.S. proposal.

Still, Trump tweeted a quote early Wednesday from Wayne Allyn Root, a noted conspiracy theorist and conservative radio host in Nevada, who praised Trump on Newsmax and lamented that a majority of Jews vote for Democrats.

“President Trump is the greatest President for Jews and for Israel in the history of the world, not just America … He’s like the King of Israel. They love him like he is the second coming of God,” Trump quoted Root as saying.

Jews do not believe in a second coming.

Trump has used statements from Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) and Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich.) criticizing Israel and its treatment of Palestinians to label them “anti-Semites.” And he has called them “the face of the Democratic Party.”

The Trump campaign’s chief operating officer, Michael Glassner, issued a strongly worded statement Wednesday accusing Democrats of supporting those who want “to wipe Israel from the map.”

“As a Jew myself, I strongly believe that President Trump is right to highlight that there is only one party — the Democrats — excusing and permitting such anti-Jewish venom to be spewed so freely,” Glassner said. “In stark contrast, there is no bigger ally to the Jewish community at home and around the world than President Trump.”

At Trump’s urging, the Israeli government last week blocked the two congresswomen from visiting the country, citing their support for a boycott movement against Israel. The Israelis then relented in response to a request from Tlaib to visit her grandmother, who lives in the occupied West Bank, but the congresswoman ultimately decided not to make the trip because she would have been required by Israel to pledge not to promote boycotts.

[Tlaib says she will not go to Israel after the country initially rejected her request for a visit, then reversed course]

Democratic leaders have publicly supported the congresswomen, even as they have sought to distance the party from some of their sentiments. Senate Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.) said at this spring’s American Israel Public Affairs Committee that his party supported Israel and that it was “absolutely vital” to continue doing so.

“Those who seek to use Israel as a means of scoring political points do a disservice to both Israel and the United States,” Schumer said, in a veiled reference to Trump. “Our politics may be more polarized than ever, but it is incumbent upon all of us who care about the U.S.-Israel relationship to keep it bipartisan.”

After Trump’s “disloyalty” comments this week, Schumer said in a statement Wednesday: “When President Trump uses a trope that has been used against the Jewish people for centuries with dire consequences, he is encouraging — wittingly or unwittingly — anti-Semites throughout the country and the world.”

On the campaign trail, Democratic candidates also denounced Trump’s comments.

“Come on, man. That’s like a dog whistle. ‘Loyalty.’ Come on,” former vice president Joe Biden told a crowd in Newton, Iowa.

Sen. Cory Booker of New Jersey shared his understanding of Jewish values. “There’s an idea in Judaism about kindness and decency and mercy,” he told reporters in Altoona, Iowa. He added, “One of the greatest Jewish ideals is to welcome the stranger. One of the great Jewish writings comes from Micah. That is, you know, ‘Do justice. And love mercy.’ These ideals are not being evidenced by the president of the United States.”

Chelsea Janes and David Weigel in Iowa and Emily Guskin in Washington contributed to this report.

[thornswithroses]

2016 Books I’ve Read

I had been hoping to read more books last year, but I am relieved to have made it halfway to my reading goals. It is a lot better than it was back in 2015. 

Real Murders (Aurora Teagarden, book #1) by Charlaine Harris

I actually enjoy Harris’ other mysteries more than I do the Sookie Stackhouse series. And I’m glad I only bothered with one of the Stackhouse books, considering that I hear how disappointing the last book ended. It does not help that the True Blood series left a bad taste my mouth after how they end Tara. The Harper Connelly books are actually my favorites, but the Teagarden ones may soon prove to be my second. I like Aurora Teagarden, I like how as ridiculous and delightfully flowery of a name she has, she is a grounded person.

Harris likes to describe the clothing her protagonists wear or want, and while I usually enjoy that aspect of writing, it is rather amusing when Harris does it. Namely, because the clothes she describes sound rather dated and probably would be more suited to someone in their sixties rather than their late twenties. 

The writing is sparse but absorbing, and Harris has a flair for a comfortable Agatha Christie likability in most of her works. This is no exception that.

Would recommend: a cozy but gripping reading to relax at night with.

Ash by Malinda Lo

I found myself so frustrated for sweet Ash. I never really appreciated how much the original Cinderella had to overcome until reading this book. Even her beloved father talked over the healing women of their original village, including Ash’s mother. Isobel is one of my most hated characters this year, for how she abuses Ash. And how much of pain Ash goes through could have been avoided if she had been listened to. 

I am usually leery of love triangles where the queer girl has to choose between a man or a woman. I’m bisexual, and I am very much aware that a queer woman is not less queer for wanting to be with a man. However, we cannot argue that heterosexual relationships are prioritized over homosexual ones. We cannot claim that bisexuality is not often dismissed as a curiosity by writers, most especially by male ones. It is 2017, and this shit still occurs. We cannot argue that female sexuality and relationships with women, be they romantic or platonic, are often dismissed in media. 

That said, I knew Malinda Lo was not going to fail me with how she handled Ash’s bisexuality. I used to follow Malinda Lo’s writings on AfterEllen in my Baby Feminist Years, and I do not regret that. She is a phenomenal writer, whether she writes in fiction or nonfiction. 

Ash’s relationships to Sidhean and Kaisa are different but special in her life. With Kaisa, their relationship has the delectability of apples, a tenderness and subtle warmth that is not written enough for gay relationships. With Sidhean, there is a tension for forbidden lust and the gradual trust they grow for one another. 

The ending is satisfying, but that is all I will give to you. I urge you to read this book, especially as it comes from an author that actually actively works with diversifying young adult literature to the best she can. 

Would recommend: a thoughtful, lyrical novel about a girl that overcomes obstacles to find love and her own independence. 

Mary Reilly by Valerie Marin

This is the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as seen through the eyes of Mary Reilly, a loyal, hardworking house-maid for the doctor. The book is written as if it were from Mary’s own journaling. 

I like the protagonist. Usually, when the perspectives of fringe characters are written about how they view a famed character, they simplify too many matters.

With Mary, yes, she is enamored but misguided by Dr. Jekyll’s supposed virtues, but as the novella goes on, as palpable as the sexual tension gets between them, she is not shy about pointing out the classism he and the world have on her, at least to herself. 

The book also has her deal with the abuses she undergone as a child from her father’s hands. I will not give spoilers away, but it is rather satisfying how she comes to terms with her abuse after attending a funeral (and, no, it’s not her abuser’s funeral.)

I like the different relationships she has with her fellow servants and how we see the grit of her daily duties. As I said before, the sexual tension between Mary and Dr. Jekyll is deliciously intense. It also helps that they are both shown to genuinely care about each other, adding a certain sweetness to the star-crossed quality of their relationship. 

And when the book wants to be chilling, it does indeed do that.

Would recommend: for all your fun, gothy indulgences!

The Name of The Wind by Patrick Rothfuss

An underrated epic fantasy that seems to understand that the quiet moments of a person’s life is just as important as the high-paced ones. The narration written uniquely, there’s a story-within-a-story with yet another one hidden somewhere under there. 

I enjoy reading older, isolated, world-weary Kvothe and how that contrasts with him telling his story of a younger, bright-eyed him that wants to learn and wants to avenge his loved ones. 

The book is a big one, and it is filled to the brim of so many conflicts and adventures. The humor is vibrant as red, the constant worry of poverty always hitting close to home for me, and his friendships and rivalries with everyone makes one feel invigorating. Oh, believe me, there is plenty of darker aspects to this story, and plenty of moments where I had to take a break from reading because it hurt too much at times. But Rothfuss seems to have the instinctual sense of when enough is enough, unlike the likes of George R.R. Martin and Joss Whedon.

Sometimes I got annoyed with how it felt like the author’s own feelings spilled somewhere. I thought the book could get too dismissive of the beliefs of the rural villages, and, believe me, I hate the concept of a sweet, harmless small town, especially when it mostly features white people. I’m no Stars Hollow fangirl, but my issue is rather it does not look at it through a nuanced lens.

All in all, what issues I have are little compared to so many factors that had me enjoy this book.

Would recommend: for people looking for a rich narrative that carves out many emotions from you, especially if you’re looking for an elaborate fantasy.

Decreation by Anne Carson

I am going to be real with you.

There are a lot of elements to this book that have flown over my head. 

Decreation holds so many references and vocabulary that had me searching all sorts of sources to understand. 

I have been interested in reading Anne Carson since seeing so many snippets of her words around.  It's possibly odd to say that being confused by the book and having to do research to know it makes me enjoy "Decreation" very much. I like books that force me to think. I like books that have the sort of lines that ring well together like a series of synchronizing bells. Anne Carson has an enthralling mind, and I look forward to reading more of her work. If you want to read a challenging book with prose and poetry that is clean and shining like knives, this is the book for you

Would recommend: for people looking for something that makes them want to ponder and to be lulled by the beauty of how words are arranged.

The Poison Eaters and Other Stories by Holly Black

When it comes to short story collections, let's face it, there are going to be stories that you adored, stories you're indifferent to, and stories you just really, really, really hate. For most of the stories in this collection, I enjoyed them immensely. I remember when I read Holly Black's first novel, Tithe, I was absorbed by the lush prose. I can only describe it as like a spiderweb, how it shimmered and ensnared. I am crestfallen that she has simplified that style over the years, I wish YA authors can trust their readers, especially the teenage ones, into appreciating descriptive prose. One of the reasons why I moved from YA literature to adult fiction by the time I was sixteen was because I got tired of the simple style of writing. I wanted to challenge myself more, and I wanted to appreciate the art of language. I still do. Holly Black's style is still not how it was in her Tithe days, but the stories are still written in an eye-catching way. Maybe not like a spiderweb, but surely as the sheen of water. My favorites were: "The Coldest Girl in Coldtown" is about vampire towns, need I say more? "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" had an interesting take of becoming a wolf where it is a flower instead of a bloody chomp that turns you. I will admit I have always had a soft spot for beautiful things that cause horror. "The Night Market" was a delightful romance with a Filipino girl with a port stain birthmark on her face that has an elf in a tree enamored with her, much to her surprise and frustration. It was entertaining to see their dynamic of challenging and outwitting one another, especially over the girl's sister's safety. "The Dog King" was with wolves in a castle, literally and metaphorically. "The Coat of Stars" was about a gay man rescuing his lost love, with the bonus of costume porn. "The Land of Heart's Desire" had me the excellent opportunity of reuniting with beloved characters from Black's Modern Faerie Tales series. The last story, "The Poison Eaters," I love the unique narration, the way the girl that was a weapon became a strategist for revenge. The stories I disliked were few and far. "A Reversal of Fortune" had an endearing pit bull dog, but that's all the positivity I can give it. The story's concept sounded good--a girl challenges the Devil to save her pet's life--but written in such a weak and juvenile way that was also, to put it bluntly, gross. "Virgin" also had an interesting concept but I feel this had the potential to have been expanded more, whether novel-length or just a longer short story. "In Vodka Veritas" went too far into the silly route for me, especially for an interesting concept as having a Bacchanal in a high school prom. The narrator was also annoying as fuck. "Paper Cuts Scissors" should have expanded the characters more, it was a shallow little story. "Going Ironside" was hard to follow and it had a good concept but a lukewarm execution.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison

The Goblin Emperor is a political fantasy that is loving and hopeful and does not move through violence necessarily so much as surviving the eyes and gossip of a land that does not always see half-Goblins like Maia in high regards. I like my prickly books; I appreciate the blood and the lust and the anger, and all the other juicy bits of a harrowing plot. Believe me, I do. However, I honestly find the politics here and in the Kushiel's Legacy far more engrossing than in famous works such as Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire" series. Maia is proof that having a genuinely sweet personality does not make one a dull protagonist. He is an underdog and coming from an abusive home life will certainly have readers already feeling protective of him. The biggest charm out of Maia however, is how Maia uses his goodness and need for survival to be calculating as Maia moves into the Emperor role. He's calculating how good his ruling should be. That is striking to me. He holds similar characteristics to one of my favorite fantasy characters, Sansa Stark. The characters surrounding him, all differing arrays of morals, are also striking. His bodyguards that are quite the sun-and-moon pair in demeanor and strength, his loyal assistant, his fiance, a passionate warrior girl. All in all, this was a satisfying read and one that I will enjoy rereading again and again. 

Would recommend: if you love character-driven stories set in a lush, intricately-woven setting with one of the most likable protagonists around. 

Carpathia by Cecilia Woloch

Woloch writes of moving, of grief, of love, all with great aplomb. There is a birdlike quality to her words as she talks about her father, his death, love, of moving across so many landscapes. Her poems have the serenity of the color blue. I cannot wait to see read more from her. 

Would recommend: if you want to be lulled by beautiful wording and imagery.

The Divinity Student by Michael Cisco

This book is like reading one long hallucination. The surrealism is everywhere, the horror underlying everything. The imagery is haunting in the best of ways, it feels like smoke clinging to your clothes. There is no logic to this story. You just cannot make sense of it. There is a reason why Cisco is often compared to Franz Kafka.

Would recommend: if you want to pore over surrealism and odd imagery rather than a particular plot. 

Uprooted by Naomi Novik

One of the most satisfying fantasies I have read the past few years. Novik knows how to make twists and she knows how to make those twists flow right. While I could feel old-school sort of fantasy as a backbone to this story, it still stands all on its own. The characters were vivid in their personalities.

Sometimes I had frustrations with Agnieszka, with how much she fussed over dealing with fancy indulgences. There is nothing wrong with her for preferring a rural, simpler life, but it felt tacked-on too often. At least it is not as bad as Hunger Games, where the bad guys in that story enjoyed to opulent, feminine indulgences that had something of a homophobic coding too. 

I do adore how Agnieszka’s clumsiness is not made to be endearing, but a human flaw. I wish to have seen more of her friendship with Kasia and see her relationship with the Dragon get developed more but all in all, it was enjoyable. 

The magic system was also beautifully envisioned and executed. 

Would recommend: character-driven, brilliant world-building, and unique storytelling.

Batgirl, Volume 1: The Darkest Reflection by Gail Simone

I hate the new 52. I hate most of it. I'm probably not going to read most titles from DC for a while. I am still not forgiving them for that hot topic nightmare that is Harley Quinn's makeover. I also have a small confession to make.

As a child, I was not that interested in Batgirl. I liked her enough on the Adam West show. I thought it was fantastic that she was a librarian. I thought Yvonne Craig was lovely. Other than that depiction, I barely gave thought to Barbara Gordon. 

With DC animation, my holy trinity of favorite female characters was Huntress (Bertinelli), Wonder Woman, and Catwoman. In recent years, especially with the passing of Craig, I've come to appreciate her more, value her character, her relationships with others, her strong will, her kindness, her flaws, her mistakes. Gail Simone actually made her a whole person to me when she was Oracle. And while I am still pissed that she is not that anymore, Simone's writing had me cheer for Barbara in getting back out onto the streets. This volume shows the ups and downs of her friendships to people she has known for a long time, the tentative friendship with her roommate that has the potential to expand a lot deeper, and above all, her relationship with both her parents. It always annoyed me when superhero stories got with the Disney Parent Problem, where there was only one parent active in the protagonist's life and how that was most often the father. Here, we see Barbara's mother and how their relationship is broken, and you feel for both of them. You want to be angry with Barbara's mom for leaving the family, but you also empathize her efforts into healing that rift, especially how they're not quite satisfied; no doubt there is a deeper story about why exactly she left. You understand Barbara's hurt but you also know she's not one to deal with emotions, including bitterness, well, and she is not above pettiness and evasiveness. I really look forward to where this goes in the next volumes.

Would recommend: for long-time Batgirl fans and for those interested in getting to know her more.

Ms. Marvel, Volume 1: No Normal by G. Willow Wilson

Kamala Khan has to be one of the sweetest characters I ever had the fortune of reading. She’s awkward, silly, earnest, and good-intentioned.

Some of the dialogue does feel stilted. I am guessing because Wilson is still trying to balance showing real-life issues while telling a story. I know people had issues with how static her family feels at the moment, although from what I’ve seen, they do develop well as the series goes on.

Would recommend: a fun, charismatic read that personally makes me think back to watching favorite Saturday morning cartoons.

[assidua-vigilantia]

PROMPT 001. FOUNDATIONS

tw: death / tw: death of a grandparent / tw: homophobia

GENERAL FACTS

Full Name : Alastor Callum Moody

Nickname(s) : Mad-Eye Moody // Ali or Al // Moody

Pronouns : he/him

Height : 6′ 2″ is Alastor’s canon height

Left or Right Handed : ambidextrous 

Place of birth : Aberdeen, Scotland

Occupation : Head Auror

Hogwarts House : Slytherin

Affiliation : Order of the Phoenix

Patronus : ram 

Pet(s) : Eimhir ( scottish deerhound ) // Pallas ( barn owl )

APPEARANCE

Long hair or short hair? : fairly short hair, it’s enough to keep it in a very small ponytail

Hair color, and is it natural or dyed? : natural color, ginger

Eye color : dark grey for his normal eye, obnoxiously electric blue for his magical eye.

Plain clothes or colorful clothes : plain clothes, he hates any color ever

Tattoos? : case numbers along his spine

Are their ears pierced? : no

Any other piercings? : no

Jewelry that they wear regularly : he wears his wedding ring on his right hand

What sort of clothes do they wear in public : the most boring and bland clothes ever, usually something he can move around easily in and dark colored. he rarely wears nice clothes out, since chances are they’re going to get messed up if he’s running around doing auror things.

What sort of clothes do they wear at home : home is one of the few places where he’ll wear more exciting clothes like jumpers ( which are pretty much all either dark green or some shade of grey ), though you’ll never find him wandering around in a t-shirt.

Favorite outfit : his slytherin jumper and a pair of comfortable pants

Do they paint their nails? : no

Do they need glasses? : no

FAMILY

Parents : callum moody ( father ) and seren moody ( mother )

Siblings : bronagh moody ( younger sister )

Children : kieren moody ( son ) and sorcha moody ( daughter )

Are they close to their family? : he wasn’t close to his parents, and became estranged from his sister, but he’s very close to greylyn ( wife ) and his two children. 

Which family member are they closest to? : greylyn. 

Rank their immediate family from favorite to least favorite : greylyn and the kids tie for first place, bronagh, seren, and then callum at the bottom where he belongs. 

HAVE YOU EVERS

Driven a car? : no.

Seen a movie? : no.

Been to a concert? : yes, and he hated it. 

Met someone famous? : yes, through work. 

Stolen something? : no.

Broken the law? : yes. 

Killed someone? : yes. 

Been in a relationship? : yes. 

Cheated on someone? : kind of, it depends on whether or not you consider his relationship with greylyn to be legit enough for it to count as cheating. if you asked either of them, they’d say no. 

Fallen in love? : yes. 

Had sex? : yes. 

Failed an exam? : no.

Been to a funeral? : yes. 

RELATIONSHIPS AND CONNECTIONS

Relationship status : married to greylyn mctavish

People they admire : dumbledore / kingsley / mcgonagall

Someone they’ll talk to about anything : greylyn

Someone they couldn’t live without : greylyn / kieren / sorcha

Do they want to get married? : he is married but he didn’t want to get married so not really.

Do they want kids? : he’s got two kids and they’re pretty cool.

Someone they wish things had turned out differently with : he wishes he and bronagh were still close. 

Someone that makes them laugh : sirius

MAGICAL AND MUGGLE

Can they fly a broom? : yes

Cand they cast a patronus? : yes

Have they ever used a telephone? : no

Preferred method of communication : patronuses. no paper trail. 

Favorite spell : obliviate 

Magic they wish they were better at : household charms

HABITS AND PREFERENCES

Smoking? : no

Drinking? : very rarely, and almost never outside of his own home

Exercise regularly? : yes

Messy or organized? : aggressively organized

Do they use bookmarks? : no, he folds the corner of the page like a normal person

Cooking or takeaway? : cooking, he’s never ordered takeaway before

Night out or night in? : night in

Relationships or flings or neither? : he’s never had a proper one, but he’d rather have a relationship than a fling

Do they have any collections of things? : foe glasses and other dark magic seeking / identifying objects

FAVORITES

Favorite subject in school : defense against the dark arts

Favorite magical candy : sugar quills

Favorite band : he doesn’t really listen to music much, honestly, he finds it distracting

Favorite book : le morte d’arthur

Favorite food : stew

Favorite animal : dogs, probably

LITTLE SECRETS

Biggest regret : he wants to say that his biggest regret is letting himself getting pushed into marriage, but ultimately he gained a best friend and two amazing kids from that. his biggest regret is always going to be that he’s not good enough to save people. it’s rare that alastor actually loses someone in the line of fire, but it does happen, and he takes each of those losses incredibly personally. every time he fails to save someone, it gets added to the pile of regrets. 

Someone they fear : honestly voldemort scares the hell out of him

Someone they could kill : voldemort is high up on the list. anyone that hurts his family is also on the list. he genuinely will not hesitate in that case. alastor could kill pretty much anyone with the proper motivation, with the exceptions being his kids ( including his order kids ), greylyn, or his close friends. he’d kill his sister if it came down to it, though. 

Someone they miss : he hates the distance between himself and his sister bronagh, but he knows that was ultimately self inflicted since he was the one that isolated himself and cut himself off from her. he also misses his paternal grandmother. he was a favorite of hers, and she was the first to go to war with callum over his treatment of his son. 

Someone they couldn’t live without : alastor tells himself that there isn’t anyone he couldn’t live without, and it’s honestly true. there are people that it would destroy him to lose, like his kids and greylyn, but he knows that if he had to push through it, he can. 

Is there a secret they want to share with someone? Who and what? : he really wants to tell his close friends about greylyn and the kids. kingsley’s probably top on that list of people he wants to tell, but alice, sirius, and john are also pretty high up there. 

Something they’re embarrassed about liking : ballet. he’s really good at it but is mortified by the prospect of telling that to anyone. 

What did they want to be when they were younger? : alastor was always going to be an auror, that was never a question.

Secret they consider to be their “big secret” : the fact that he’s got kids and also the fact that he’s gay. greylyn is the only person in the entire world that knows both of these-- and only because she literally popped those kids out herself-- and even that makes alastor a bit squeamish. his kids don’t know, and the few friends he has that know he’s gay aren’t aware of the fact that he’s a) married and b) has kids. he hates talking about it, and will in some cases go out of his way to avoid talking about it. 

Amortentia : ocean / snow / cinnamon

ALL ABOUT YOU

Character’s favorite feature : he honestly doesn’t really have one.

Character’s least favorite feature : the magical eye. it’s useful but he hates that people stare at it. 

One thing they’re really good at : dueling

One thing they’re really bad at : prioritizing 

One thing they wish they were good at : socializing with other people is something alastor wishes he was better at. he desperately wants to be one of those people that hangs out with their friends on friday nights and has a shred of normalcy in his life, but he really just isn’t suited for it, and it annoys and frustrates him that it doesn’t come naturally to him like it does to kingsley and his other friends. 

Do they collect chocolate frog cards? : yes, he and kieren and sorcha have a competition to see who can get the most diverse collection. 

Can they play an instrument? : he’s decent at piano and really good at playing the violin.

Best subject in school : defense against the dark arts

Worst subject in school : herbology

Can they cook? : yes, though he’s not amazing at it

Nervous ticks? : he purses his lips, also the magical eye will just sorta roll around all over the place so he doesn’t have to make eye contact with two eyes. he’s like a little panicked chameleon. 

Allergies? : almonds. 

Most valuable possession : he has a little pocket watch that he got from his grandmother. it’s got three other identical watches, and he’s given those to greylyn, kieren, and sorcha. they work kinda like the enchanted coins that dumbledore’s army uses in ootp, and allow alastor and the rest of the moodys to keep tabs on each other and make sure everyone’s okay.

What animal would they turn into if they were an animagi? : probably a badger, honestly. something very small and angry. 

O.W.L. scores / subjects : DADA ( O ) / Transfiguration ( O ) / Charms ( O ) / Potions ( E ) / Herbology ( A ) / Divination ( A ) / Ancient Runes ( E ) / Care of Magical Creatures ( E ) / History of Magic ( O ) / Astronomy ( E ) / Magical Theory ( O )

N.E.W.T. scores / subjects : DADA ( O ) / Transfiguration ( O ) / Charms ( O ) / Potions ( O ) / Ancient Runes ( E ) / History of Magic ( E ) / Magical Theory ( O )

Can they speak any foreign languages? : Scottish Gaelic / Danish / Russian / French

Can they wiggle their ears? : no.

[eichy815]

#ReadyForSanity – Twelve Democrats Who Could Run for President in 2020

Critics of Donald Trump run the gamut ranging from displaying tentative unease to frustrated bewilderment to solid contempt to outright revulsion.  I personally fall closer to the contemptuous end of that spectrum – but this isn’t about me.  It’s about saving our country from collapse.

I believe it can be done.  The question is:  who will that standard-bearer be, four years from now?

Regardless, we need to make it clear to politicians and pundits alike how – regardless of whether the GOP is running Donald Trump or Mike Pence or someone else in 2020 – the rest of us are, quite frankly...

#ReadyForSanity

Obviously, we must get past the 2018 midterms, first.  But there’s no denying that preparing for a presidential run is a gargantuan task.  So that means every Democrat in elected office is likely considering, at present, which of their colleagues – or even if they themselves! – could be up to the job.

Who is the person to do it?  Many factors are unclear at this point.  Will the economy be in shambles, or just stubbornly sputtering along?  Will Trump be “primaried” by another Republican...and, in that scenario, would he still proceed to run as an Independent?

Which Democrat would have the strongest potential to form a unity coalition, and provide coattails to downticket candidates in U.S. House, U.S. Senate, and statewide races during the 2020 cycle? (at which point, Democrats will once again have a mathematically-viable shot at regaining the Senate majority)

Who can be most effective at uniting members of the Obama coalition, the Sanders coalition, and the Clinton coalition – while also encouraging new voters to become involved in the process, and appealing to disgruntled Independents in battleground states?

In my humble opinion, the next Democratic nominee needs to make a very detailed and forward-thinking case for expanding upon agricultural innovation, food security, and coast-to-coast water sustainability as part of the national agenda.  These three issues need to finally become a prominent part of our collective dialogue if the Democrats want to convince Americans that Washington D.C. actually cares about all of us.

There must be a reframing of the controversies over struggles related to oil/gas pipelines and racial identity...so that the Left takes a new approach to show how progressivism and fairness on these fronts will positively affect EVERYONE in this country.  The Democratic nominee in 2020 has to accomplish this without talking down to Americans.

She or he must find a clear, marketable message that embraces sound, logical, well-thought-out policies when it comes to health care reform, educational access/funding, police brutality, systemic/social equality, and international coalition-building.  He or she must have passion, enthusiasm, and be able to visibly connect with voters.  And, most importantly, this person must help our anti-Trump majority move past the pointless invectives of calling others “Hillbots” or “BernieBros.”

Here are the top twelve Democrats who I believe would be among the wisest choices on behalf of whom activists may want to consider making noise.  Because so many Americans would prefer for someone from a younger generation to step forward and lead the way for us, I have excluded people such as Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Hillary Clinton from this list.

These potential candidates are listed in descending order, from “most strategic” to “least strategic” as options.

KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND

At the very top of my list is U.S. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand of New York, who succeeded Hillary Clinton following Clinton’s 2009 appointment as U.S. Secretary of State.  One month ago, I outlined my preference for Gillibrand as a presidential contender in an op-ed I wrote, aptly entitled “The Case for Kirsten Gillibrand.”  But, in a nutshell, I view her as the Democrats’ best bet based on her wealth of legislative experience, her personal likeability factor, and the specific issues she prioritizes – government transparency, health care reform, LBGT equality, overturning Citizens United, supporting clean energy, and improving the lives of veterans.  She’s voted against a greater number of Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees than nearly every other Democratic U.S. Senator has.  Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), assuming he wins a third gubernatorial term in 2018, would appoint Gillibrand’s temporary replacement to the U.S. Senate.

Gillibrand will be 54-years-old in 2020; unlike a bulk of past and present Democrats from New York’s congressional delegation (including Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer), Senator Gillibrand’s own roots are in the politically-divided communities of upstate New York.  She’s a robust fundraiser, has provided a voice for victims of rape and sexual assault (her legal background enabled her to do pro bono work), and takes an interpersonal approach to governing.  Her work on the Senate Armed Services Committee gives her foreign policy and national security credentials, while her membership on the Senate Agriculture Committee puts her in a knowledgeable position to tackle the challenges related to agricultural sustainability and food insecurity.  On the downside, her past legal representation of Philip Morris, her record of compromising with conservatives on gun control and immigration, and her membership in the Blue Dog Coalition (including having been mentored by Hillary herself) are potential obstacles she’ll need to find a way to overcome amongst progressives, socialists, and “Berniecrats.”  However, if anyone has the skill set to potentially become that bridge-builder, it’s Kirsten Gillibrand.

STEVE BULLOCK

For those voters who like the idea of having a red/purple state governor at the top of the Democratic ticket, Montana’s Steve Bullock might appeal to them.  Currently serving his second four-year term as Governor of The Treasure State, Bullock (who will be term-limited from running for a third gubernatorial term in 2020) recently made headlines when he joined with a bipartisan group of lawmakers to condemn neo-Nazi demonstrators who organize nationally.  If Democrats want to seriously compete in rural, more moderate areas of the country, Bullock’s pro-gun, pro-conservation, tough-on-crime, antitrust stances are definitely a way to get there.  His agenda of strengthening small businesses and interbusiness networking within Montana could be an asset when seeking an economic recovery plan in the aftermath of a Trump/Pence Administration.

Similar to Gillibrand, he will be 54-years-old in 2020.  As a one-term Attorney General of his state (from 2008 to 2012), Bullock likewise has an exemplary legal background – and his upbringing as a teacher’s kid should speak strongly to those who care about K-12 and higher education.  His criminal justice emphasis has been to crack down on offenders of drug and alcohol abuse, while simultaneously keeping nonviolent offenders out of jail.  He has also fought against Citizens United, while advocating on behalf of the preservation of public lands.  Governor Bullock’s environmentally-friendly, pro-business platform has narrowly won him elections in a libertarian-leaning state as conservative as Montana, which should equip him to campaign effectively in “flyover country” as a national candidate.  His biggest challenge will be proving himself as a competitive fundraiser in all fifty states.

GINA RAIMONDO

Currently in her third year as Governor of Rhode Island, Gina Raimondo has the most potential, out of our nation’s more high-profile elected officials, to transcend that Democratic/Republican binary and lead Americans into an alternate way of governing (what I refer to as “fifth way politics”).  A former venture capitalist by profession, Raimondo has a joint economic/legal background, serving as a law clerk, and later, for one term as Rhode Island State Treasurer prior to her gubernatorial victory.  She recently floated the idea of applying the Bernie Sanders “free tuition” model on a limited, income-based scale for students at Rhode Island’s community colleges.

Raimondo will be 49-years-old in 2020.  She has shown herself to be one of the most independent governors in the country – staking out a centrist path on pension reform and union reorganization, being shrewdly populist in terms of payday loan transparency, and finding progressive ways to forge partnerships with Silicon Valley.  First, though, she has to survive gubernatorial reelection in 2018 (including a possible primary challenge from any fellow Democrats).  If Governor Raimondo (who would be term-limited from running for a third gubernatorial term in 2022) oils her machine to deliver a tangible problem-solving record to Rhode Islanders, then she could become an endearing “dark horse” candidate, at the national level, three years from now.  Her experience as a member of the Council on Foreign Relations prepares her for engaging other world leaders, globally; if Raimondo beefs up her fundraising prowess, she’ll be able to present herself as an “anti-establishment” crusader who blends together a healthy combination of liberal and moderate platform planks.

AMY KLOBUCHAR

Serving as one of Minnesota’s two U.S. Senators for the past decade, Amy Klobuchar has amassed a laudable – if “unflashy” – portfolio of results.  As a former prosecutor and the Hennepin County Attorney from 1998 to 2006, she won an open-seat race for retiring then-Senator Mark Dayton’s vacancy during the 2006 Democratic midterm “wave.”  Since then, she’s focused legislatively on issues such as consumer safety, adoption, ethics reform, tourism, and veterans’ affairs.  Her rapid response to the I35W Mississippi River Bridge Crash of August 2007 (and securing funds for its subsequent repair) was rightfully praised by Minnesotans.  Last month, Klobuchar joined with U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders to offer an amendment that would lower prices of prescription drugs by allowing their importation from Canada – but the Sanders/Klobuchar Amendment was unfortunately defeated by a bipartisan group of 39 Republicans and 13 Democrats.

Klobuchar, who will be 60-years-old in 2020, has a formidable record prosecuting those charged with murder, arson, rape, DWIs, white-collar crimes, and domestic abuse (including her office’s failed attempt to convict Kirby Puckett in 2002).  She’s more moderate than many of her Democratic peers on trade issues; yet, her emphasis has been boosting America’s exports to other parts of the world – notably via her support for trade partnerships with Canada and Cuba.  Also, she supports a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine.  Her daughter, Abigail, was born with the temporary disability of having an internal digestive impairment; although Abigail has since made a full recovery, that experience gave Senator Klobuchar great empathy for parents of children with disabilities.  Assuming that another Democrat wins the open-seat gubernatorial race being vacated by Dayton (once again) in 2018, Klobuchar’s U.S. Senate seat should remain a safe hold for her party.  Additionally, some people believe that running for the presidency might end up being an “either/or scenario” between Gillibrand and Klobuchar (given the close friendship of these two women)...and, although she’s half-a-decade older, Klobuchar – who put herself through Yale in light of her modest, homespun upbringing – possesses the working-class roots that Gillibrand lacks.

MARC VEASEY

Perhaps the most “under-the-radar” name on my list, U.S. Congressman Marc Veasey has represented the 33rd Congressional District of Texas since 2012.  His professional background includes vocations as a substitute teacher, an ad copywriter, and a sportswriter.  Although he doesn’t have a national profile, Veasey has spent his time in Congress working on overlooked issues such as hate crimes enforcement and election integrity.  A presidential run from him, even if he doesn’t come out on top, he could set the stage for Democrats to nationally call out Republicans on their voter suppression tactics.  Veasey has pushed for job creation in the areas of technology, national defense, manufacturing, and STEM.  His congressional district serves parts of both Dallas and Fort Worth – a metropolitan area with a combined 1.4 million residents.  Veasey has also joined with U.S. Congressman Brendan Boyle (D-PA) to form the Congressional Blue Collar Caucus, aimed specifically at addressing the needs of working-class Americans – especially those in the Deep South, in the Rust Belt, and in “flyover country.”

Congressman Veasey will be 50-years-old in 2020, and he’d have to give up his congressional seat to run in the Democratic presidential primaries.  However, due to redistricting that will follow the 2020 Census, his district might end up getting carved up, anyway – potentially forcing him to vie against an established Republican such as Roger Williams, Joe Barton, Sam Johnson, Kay Granger, or Michael C. Burgess (a similar thing happened to former Congresswoman Betty Sutton, when her Ohio congressional district was “carved up” following the 2010 Census).  Even if he doesn’t ascend to the presidential (or vice-presidential) slot on the national ticket, a presidential run could set up Veasey to challenge Betsy Price for Mayor of Fort Worth in 2023 (assuming that Price pursues a hypothetical fourth term).  Or, Veasey could run for Mayor of Dallas if incumbent Mike Rawlings gets reelected in 2019 but declines to run for a hypothetical fourth term in 2023.  With Fort Worth being America’s sixteenth-largest city (and Dallas being the nine-largest), Congressman Veasey undoubtedly has a bright political future ahead of him.

CHRIS MURPHY

Becoming Connecticut’s junior U.S. Senator following the retirement of Joe Lieberman, former congressman and eight-year state legislator Chris Murphy has restored dignity and progressive values to his shabby predecessor’s seat.  With extremely strong support from organized labor, Murphy has made a name for himself as a staunch supporter of LGBT equality, universal health care with a public option, the “Buy American” movement, and stricter gun control (memorably igniting one of the longest filibusters in Senate history, following the Orlando massacre last summer).

Senator Murphy, who turns 47-years-old in 2020, is young, charismatic, and, like many presidential contenders before him, has a background as a legal scholar.  Assuming that a Democrat wins the 2018 gubernatorial race in Connecticut, the Democrats wouldn’t lose control of his U.S. Senate seat.  But two factors seem to pose a threat to any presidential ambitions from Murphy.  First, in the late-aughts, he underwent controversy after some of his delinquent mortgage payments surfaced.  Secondly, he made a rather Sherman-esque statement in December 2016 that he has no intention of mounting a presidential run.  Then again, Barack Obama initially said the same thing, after his senatorial election in 2004...and look how that turned out.  Murphy’s inclination to pursue the presidency will probably decrease if unpopular incumbent Governor Dan Malloy runs for reelection to a third term – and loses – in 2018.

MARTIN HEINRICH

The junior U.S. Senator from New Mexico was often name-dropped as a possibility for Hillary Clinton’s 2016 vice-presidential short-list.  The biggest drawback:  had a Clinton/Heinrich ticket won the 2016 General Election, Republican Governor Susana Martinez would have appointed a fellow Republican to temporarily fill Heinrich’s Senate seat.  Such a scenario can be avoided in 2020 if Democratic U.S. Congresswoman Michelle Lujan Grisham wins the open-seat race for the Land of Enchantment’s Governor’s Mansion in 2018.  Martin Heinrich himself, aside from being a class act, has moved forward a platform laced with populism:  his stances have been pro-choice, pro-gun, against congressional pay raises, and grounded with a strong environmental background.

Heinrich, turning 49-years-old in 2020, has forged a career of service to New Mexico by way of a working-class Nevada family.  His background is in mechanical engineering – but he also worked with AmeriCorps as well as a conservation-based nonprofit (Cottonwood Gulch Foundation).  His committee assignments include Energy and Natural Resources, Armed Services, Intelligence, and Joint Economics.  Although Senator Heinrich has a well-rounded background and an impressive legislative record overall, he did make one misstep that the Democratic Party’s progressive base may not forgive him for:  he voted against the Sanders/Klobuchar Pharmaceutical Importation Amendment in January 2017 – potentially raising red flags over where his true loyalties lie.

KAMALA HARRIS

One of the Democrats’ most passionate rising stars, former State Attorney General Kamala Harris won the open seat of now-retired U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer last year.  As California’s newest junior U.S. Senator, Harris is known for her statewide crackdown against rape, school truancy, religious extremism, banks, and loan companies...and she will take her convictions to Washington D.C. where she is likely to forge legislative partnerships in the Senate chamber with Warren, Sanders, Gillibrand, Klobuchar, and Murphy.  She opposes the “War on Drugs” and supports the policy goals of BlackLivesMatter (and its allies).  At present, she is positioning herself to become one of Donald Trump’s most vocal critics as Trump’s first (and hopefully only!) term persists.

In 2016, Harris will be 56-years-old.  While she wouldn’t become the first president of color – she would obviously be the first female president, as well as the first president of Asian descent (Harris is half-black and half-Indian).  As with Klobuchar, her prosecutorial background will have prepared her nicely to confront the misogyny that would inevitably be thrown at her on the campaign trail.  Her staunchest supporters will argue that serving a mere two years in the U.S. Senate wouldn’t disqualify her from realizing any presidential ambitions, as Barack Obama did it with an equivalent length of senatorial tenure under his belt.  The odds of Harris running in 2020 probably hinge upon the extent to which she is able to succeed as a freshman power player during this first half of her first Senate term.

TULSI GABBARD

First elected to Hawaii’s U.S. congressional delegation in 2012, Tulsi Gabbard has soared to heights of popularity amongst progressives and Bernie Sanders supporters.  She first rose to national attention after resigning as vice-chair of the DNC so that she could freely endorse Sanders during the 2016 primaries.  Since then, she’s been highly critical of her party’s superdelegate process along with the decision-making of former DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.  Gabbard is a military combat veteran, a former state legislator, and a former city councilwoman – giving her unique insight into three different worlds of governing.  Her positions place her firmly in the Warren/Sanders wing of the Democratic Party, as she is pro-choice, anti-TPP, and outspoken about the need to reinstate Glass-Steagall.  Additionally, Congresswoman Gabbard is very strong on clean energy, land conservation, and protection of endangered species.

Gabbard will be 39-years-old in 2020 – making her the youngest person on my list.  She also would be the first president with Asian and Polynesian (specifically Samoan) heritage, and she would be the first practicing Hindu to enter the White House.  Aside from biases against her from the anti-Sanders segments of the party, Gabbard would have two major hurdles to clear.  First, her father founded an anti-LGBT group and she herself opposed LGBT domestic parity during part of her time as a Hawaii state legislator; however, she has since done a complete 180 in support of full LGBT equality.  Secondly, she took a secretive fact-finding trip to Syria last month, where she met with Bashar al-Assad and was dogged by allegations of ethical misconduct in failing to disclose the trip’s details (some critics of hers claim she violated the Logan Act).  However, if Gabbard’s message is ultimately effective in making the Democratic Party more inclusive of those beyond its rank-and-file, she would certainly present herself as a force to be reckoned with against Trump – especially if she selects former U.S. congressman and current California Attorney General Xavier Becerra (who was appointed to succeed Kamala Harris, and was a speculated vice-presidential running mate for Hillary Clinton) to be her own running mate in the General Election.

Seeing how America has elected its first black president, imagine the “one-two punch” that would be delivered by sending a woman, a non-Christian, a person of Asian heritage, and a person of Chicano heritage to the White House – all in one fell swoop.

MARTIN O’MALLEY

We all remember Martin O’Malley:  he was the voice of reason in the room who systematically got ignored (although not to the extent that Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb did) while Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders duked it out.  As a two-term Mayor of Baltimore, O’Malley excelled at reducing crime and beefing up national security in the post-9/11 era.  During his eight years as Governor of Maryland, he expanded his tough-on-crime, pro-amnesty, pro-LGBT, pro-environment credentials to every inch of the Old Line State.  O’Malley was the first sitting Governor to enter into the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact (in favor of eliminating the Electoral College).  He also shepherded through (and oversaw) the early stages of Maryland’s landmark statewide minimum wage increase.

Martin O’Malley will be 58-years-old in 2020, and we’re already familiar enough with his style and views.  The main reason why O’Malley is tenth on my list is because he has such a “been there, done that” feel to his political brand.  His positions have been largely pragmatic – enough to satisfy the base, but sometimes accused of being too “vanilla” to exhibit the fire-in-the-belly that the next Democratic presidential nominee will need when standing against Trump (or even another alternative conservative Republican standard-bearer, if Trump steps down before 2020).  O’Malley would be a “safe” yet slightly uninspiring choice if none of the nine candidates mentioned above end up emerging as breakout political stars.  Even if he doesn’t make it to the White House, he’d be among the top choices for Secretary of Homeland Security or Secretary of Labor in a new Democratic presidential administration.

CORY BOOKER

The charismatic former Mayor of Newark and first-term U.S. Senator was elected by the people of New Jersey to end up being one of the Democrats’ few bright spots amid the Republican “wave” of the 2014 midterms.  Cory Booker has been an instrumental leader on the issues of criminal justice reform, ocean protection, and having smart, measured U.S. foreign policy.  He has sought common ground with Republicans across the aisle, boasts a record of openly reaching out to his constituents, and supports the mainstream Democratic positions on issues such as climate change, abortion rights, LGBT equality, affirmative action, and urban revitalization.

Booker turns 51-years-old in 2020.  As increasing attention shifts toward which direction the Democratic Party should take over the next four years, Senator Booker has already received intense scrutiny for being sympathetic to charter schools, union-busting, nuclear proliferation, and Wall Street hedge funds.  He joined Heinrich in voting down the January 2017 Sanders/Klobuchar Pharmaceutical Importation Amendment.  And, more immediately, if he mounts a presidential run, Booker would need to forfeit running for senatorial reelection to his New Jersey seat in 2020 – thereby creating another open-seat race where the Democrats wouldn’t have the power of incumbency.  So far, he has remained noncommittal, at best, about the idea of running in four years.  However, should he remain where he is, Senator Booker may find himself in a position to run for Senate Majority Leader someday.  Or, with his legal and administrative background, we could see him asked to serve in a cabinet position such as Attorney General, Secretary of Commerce, or Secretary of Housing & Urban Development.

SHERROD BROWN

On paper, Ohio’s senior U.S. Senator appears to be a near-perfect candidate:  well-regarded by progressives, classic liberals, and moderates alike; a very strong record on issues related to fair trade, veterans’ affairs, and food safety; tough on ISIS; has staunch union support; opposed the Iraq War; and is on the same page as Elizabeth Warren when it comes to bank regulation and a Wall Street crackdown.  He’s fairly popular in a pivotal swing state, and his background in education studies gives him a sympathetic perspective on shoring up education (especially in the aftermath of Betsy DeVos or any of DeVos’s short-lived successors).

But U.S. Senator Sherrod Brown is the oldest prospective candidate on my list:  he’ll be 68-years-old in 2020.  And his senatorial reelection campaign in 2018 will be potentially-competitive (although not nearly the uphill battles that Heidi Heitkamp and Joe Donnelly will face).  That’s probably why Sherrod Brown has insisted he has no presidential ambitions on the horizon.  Also, if a Republican retains the Ohio Governor’s Mansion during the 2018 midterms, that would pose a problem when appointing Brown’s hypothetical Senate replacement.  If the Democrats manage to achieve a gubernatorial win in Ohio, next time around, it’s perhaps likelier that we’d see Brown become sort of a Joe Biden-like figure (in the vice-presidential slot) to a younger Democratic nominee such as Gillibrand, Heinrich, or Raimondo.

Other names have been tossed around – John Hickenlooper, Andrew Cuomo, Julian Castro, Mark Warner, and Al Franken.  By and large, these possibilities are either too meek (Hickenlooper and Warner), have too much baggage (Cuomo and Franken), or lack the best résumé (Castro) for the job.

I also reject the premise that an effective Democratic standard-bearer must have superior name recognition at this juncture in time.  After all, prior to 2004, no one knew who Barack Obama was until Obama forged an identity for himself – the Talking Heads had assumed that Al Gore would be the Democrats’ *only* option for recovering from George W. Bush’s haphazard first term.  This self-fulfilling prophecy seemed to persist all throughout the 2004 election cycle – and it took the Great Recession for power to flip.  

Let’s not wait around for such a calamity, again.  Let’s take back the narrative and forge our own destiny.

And, just to show how I’m an equal-opportunity critic (as an Independent voter), feel free to check out my “Open Letter to the GOP Senate Caucus,” as well.

Again, we are...

#ReadyForSanity