#she owed jameson NOTHING yet felt like she betrayed him when she was with somebody else

[averysjameson]

"eye to eye, it was hard not to remember that when jameson kissed a girl, it wasn't tentative. it wasn't gentle. it wasn't real, i reminded myself."

-

"i needed... something. it didn't have to mean anything. there didn't have to be feelings involved. "fine," i said, my voice rough in my throat. "let's call off the bet."

i expected him to kiss me then—to take advantage of my moment of weakness, to push me back against the wall and wait for my head to angle up toward his, wait for a yes. he looked like he wanted to. i wanted it."

-

"he doesn't want me," i told max. "not really. he wants the mystery. he wants to keep me close until he can use me. i'm a part of the puzzle to him."

"but...," max prompted, "would you like to be used by him?"

-

"nothing ever feels real to you," i whispered, but the magical thing was that i didn't care. this didn't have to be real to be right. "this... us..." i let my lips hover over his. "it doesn't have to be anything other than what it is. no messy feelings. no obligations. no promises. no expectations."

"just this," jameson whispered, and pulled my body tight to his.

"just this." it was better than riding on the back of a motorcyle going a thousand miles an hour or standing on a rooftop fifty stories tall. it wasn't just the rush or the thrill. i felt completely, utterly in control. i felt unstoppable."

-

"what am i doing?" i asked max, feeling like i was in a maze now. "jameson and i are..."

"what?" max probed.

i shook my head. "i don't know." i knew what jameson and i were supposed to be: adrenaline and attraction and the thrill of the moment. no strings attached. no messy emotions.

so why did i feel like i'd betrayed him?"

-

aka just some of the moments where avery feels like she can't have all of jameson, will never have all of jameson, but she will take whatever he is willing to give her. she can't want him, not like she previously did because she believes he doesn't want her. so she'll want him like this. she'll have him like this if this is all he's willing to give her. they'll be friends who kiss, friends who have undeniable chemistry but no strings attached. they have an understanding: no mess, no one gets hurt. it isn't real. but as avery said, even when it's not real, it doesn't mean it's not right.

this entire time, as skye put it, she was already his.