#she loves her cranky dad a whole dang lot

[stormcrow-whispers]

Father’s Day

The sun was just barely peeking up over the rooftops of Holden as Kallista weaved through back alleys and side streets. Typically when she was out on her own she walked at a clipped pace, but given the big box of scones and the small bag she was holding in her arms, she was going much slower than usual. She was glad she'd snuck out so early, otherwise this totally wouldn't have worked.

She was really excited. She couldn't wait to surprise him.

Once she got home, Kallista did her best to quietly tip toe through the front door and around the kitchen. It proved a bit difficult with all the things she was carrying, but she managed to place everything on the kitchen table without much incident. After plucking a plate and mug from one of the cabinets, she set about arranging the things she’d bought with great care at the head of the table. Once she was satisfied, she pulled a small sheet of paper from her bag and placed it next to the spread.

Good. It all looked good. Maybe a little more crude than she’d envisioned it, and with much smaller gifts than she’d wanted, but still good nonetheless. She really hoped he liked it.

With a small nod, she moved towards the stove to get the tea kettle. She was a bit nervous of dropping it, but she needed it to finish the surprise. The thing was old, metal, and felt like it weighed a ton, at least to a small child like her. Ever so carefully, she tried to pick the thing up to put it over the fire. It went well at first, but after a few steps her arms began to wobble from the weight, and it slipped from her grasp, landing with a loud clang on the ground.

Kallista panicked, looking back towards the hall to see if he’d woken up, then turned back frantically to try and pick it up again. She was about to lift it when a voice made her jump.

“What exactly are you doing?”

Kallista froze. He sounded annoyed and tired. The exact opposite of what she wanted today of all days. After standing in silence with her back to him for several moments, she turned around to face him, wringing her hands together nervously as she did so.

“Why are you out of bed so early?” he pressed her, his voice still thick with sleep but his eyes bright and alert and trained on her.

Kallista stared down at the floor, shrugging her shoulders and swishing her tail around her legs in discomfort. “It’s just...today’s Father’s Day and I...I wanted to...I know you’re not...I just…” she trailed off with a big sigh, a sad tone overtaking her voice. “I just wanted to do something nice for you and I ruined the surprise.” she pointed towards the spread on the table as she spoke.

Ronan frowned at her for a moment before turning his gaze towards the table. When he spotted what she was talking about, his mouth hung open ever so slightly in surprise. Arranged before his spot at the table were three freshly baked scones, a small tin of tea with a bow wrapped around it, and a drawing. She must’ve gotten up extra early to run into the Marble District to buy the scones judging by how warm they still were, and the tin of tea happened to be one of his favorites. The thing that struck him about the tea wasn’t that she’d known it was his favorite, but that the tea was quite expensive, especially for a child. She must’ve used up quite a bit of her savings to buy it for him. Finally, he inspected the drawing. It featured him and her standing on rooftop, in their gear, with the little Kallista throwing what looked like confetti. At the top she’d written “Happy Father’s Day” in big red letters. It was a bit messier than some of her other drawings, but it was still rather nice.

“I..um...I know it’s not much...but I saved up for a while and this is all I could get...I really hope you like it…” Kallista said shyly, shuffling closer to his side so she could see his reaction.

Ronan was taken aback. He hadn’t expected her to do anything for him, in fact he’d forgotten about the holiday entirely. The fact that she cared enough to go through all this trouble was…he wasn’t entirely sure how to feel. But he wouldn’t deny the small squeeze he felt in his chest at the sight of it all.

He glanced over to find her staring up at him timidly, a hopeful look gleaming in her red eyes. He watched her in silence for a few seconds before reaching down and ruffling her short hair, mumbling a soft thank you to her under his breath. Judging by the way her face lit up, she definitely heard him. And when he thanked her again after eating the scones and drinking some of the delicious tea, she was practically over the moon.

As the warm light of the early morning sun filtered through the windows, Ronan lounged across his couch, still half asleep, a warm mug of tea in hand. Despite having nothing to do today, after decades of getting up with sun he’d lost the ability to sleep in. So instead he relaxed, drank his tea, and prepared his woodcarving tools to begin a new project.

A loud knock on the door broke Ronan from his peaceful respite. He frowned curiously at the door, but made no move to answer it. He wasn’t expecting any company, in fact he’d made sure no one would bother him today on his day off. He had absolutely no plans to be social, and whoever it was at the door could just leave a note. He turned back to his tea, taking a long sip and settling back into the couch. He had just about gotten comfortable again when they knocked once more, this time louder and more insistent. On the third set of knocks, he cursed under his breath, setting his mug down on the table and getting up to see who the hell was pestering him at such an early hour.

He cracked the door open ever so slightly, and when he peered through it he found Kallista standing before him, a hand on her hip and a toothy grin on her face. Of course it was her. No one else in their right mind would show up this early to be a nuisance.

“Hey old man, you busy?”

He grimaced at her in response as he opened the door all the way, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Well I was busy enjoying doing absolutely nothing, but I guess you’ve come to remedy that.”

She snorted, “I take it you forgot what the date is then. Old age certainly isn’t doing you any favors.”

Ronan narrowed his eyes at her, “What are you…”

Oh. It was Father’s Day wasn’t it.

He groaned when he came to the realization, putting his head in his hands. He heard her snicker at him in response, and he glared at her. “It’s my day off, you know.”

“Oh yes. Because I cleared your schedule with the hire ups a month ago.”

“You did what?”

“I have so many fun things planned for today, and I wasn’t about to let work get in the way of it all.” She clapped her hands together with a big smile. He rolled his eyes at her and grumbled in annoyance, which only made her smile grow.

“And what if I don’t want to do anything?”

Kallista said nothing, just folded her hands behind her back and watched him expectantly, an amused glint in her eye.

He let out a disgruntled sigh, covering his face with his hand. “You aren’t going to leave me alone until I come with you, are you?’

“Nope!”

He shot her a withering look, but after realizing he wasn’t going to win this argument, he finally stepped aside so she could come in. “Fine. I guess I’ll come. Not that I really have a choice.”

Kallista beamed at him and pranced in happily, her jewelry clinking together softly with each step she took. Ronan watched as she busied herself about the kitchen, looking through the cabinets for her mug and some tea leaves. His lips twitched up at the corners ever so slightly as he recalled her doing the same as a small child, only now she was tall enough to not need to clamber onto chairs or the countertop to try and reach everything. He arched an eyebrow at her as he finally noticed her outfit, or rather, the ridiculous amount of jewelry she was wearing today. It looked like she was wearing practically everything she owned, but all things considered, coupled with the sleek black dress and breeches she was wearing, the ensemble suited her, even if it was ostentatious as hell. He’d never understand how she found that much jewelry even remotely comfortable to wear.

“I take it we aren’t going to be doing anything dangerous if you’re dressed like that.”

She grinned, waving a hand in the air at him dismissively. “Oh no no no, today is super low key. Nothing exciting.”  

“From the way you’re talking this sounds like it’s going to be an all day affair.” he said tiredly, leaning against the kitchen table.

“Oh absolutely, I’ve got every part of the day planned.” she replied as she finished mixing some honey into her tea. She turned on her heel to face them, mug held up close to her face. She looked him up and down with a comically disgusted look, gesturing at his loungewear with her mug. “Please tell me you’re not going to try and leave looking like that.”

He scoffed in annoyance but otherwise said nothing, trudging to his room to change. Kallista pulled out a chair and sat down to enjoy her tea while she waited, watching Baskerville scurry around the kitchen in search of crumbs.

After several minutes Ronan came back, clad in a casual but refined looking all black outfit consisting of a sweater, breeches, a scarf, and leather boots. Kallista clapped mockingly at him with a huge smirk. “Much much better! Now I can actually be seen with you in public!”

Ronan rolled his eyes. “I really don’t get why you’re insisting with this. It’s just a made up holiday.”

“Oh hush, just accept it and enjoy not having to pay for anything.”

“To be fair, there’s quite a lot of things I don’t pay for already so...”

Kallista shushed him and herded him towards the door before he could stall their departure any longer, scooping Baskerville up from the floor as she did so. After locking the door behind them, they joined the early morning hustle and bustle.

Ronan followed close by her side as she weaved through the crowded streets, shaking his head a bit at her determined stride. “You know I really don’t understand why you’re going through all this trouble. You could’ve just given me a card or something.”

Kallista scoffed. “I’m not a kid anymore, dad. I have a job and the means to actually do nice shit for you. Besides, you deserve way more than a silly card. And I’m certainly not letting you stay holed up at home on Father’s Day of all days.” she patted him on the back, leading him down another side street with a soft smile. “Trust me, it’ll be worth leaving the house, ok?”

Ronan sighed. He wasn’t really sure why she was being so insistent, but from the looks of things doing this meant a lot to her, so he followed her willingly.

She hadn’t been kidding when she’d said she’d planned out the whole day. They started out having brunch at their usual place, same as any other weekend. She got them an over abundant spread of eggs, breakfast meats, pastries, and tea. Definitely more food than their usual fair, but he wasn’t about to complain.

Next she took him to the Marble District. She’d booked them a multi hour spa package at one of the nicest bathhouses in town. They tried out all the fancy baths, even the one with the weird electric shocks they’d heard so much about. Afterwards they got massages done by some friends of the Gash (one could never be too careful, Kallista had said), as well as a slew of other things he completely lost track of. He was too relaxed or dozing off to remember half of it, but he definitely left in a better mood and with a pep to his step now that most of the kinks in his back were gone. Kallista sung praises to whoever it was that worked on her for being able to work so well with her strange legs, which made him chuckle and shake his head.

For lunch she took him to a posh tea house for sandwiches and afternoon tea. The place sold a plethora of rare teas from all over the continent, as well as a few from Iclas. He was able to drink his favorite for the first time in many years, and it brought a small smile to his face as he drank it. Before they left he made sure to buy a tin of it for later, as well as a couple of other kinds he’d liked. Or at least, he tried to buy them, considering Kallista insisted on paying for absolutely everything. A nice change of pace for once, but also a bit weird.

After tea they went to a wine tasting, which they were nearly thrown out of for ‘unacceptable behavior’. The nobles weren’t entirely fond of their unorthodox wine drinking habits or the snide comments and mocking faces the two made at them behind their backs. Baskerville scurrying out of her bag and onto her shoulder was the final straw for the patrons and management, and they were confronted by one of the waiters about it. Kallista charmed their way out of trouble easily, and they left without incident, but not before swiping a bottle of one of the better wines on offer as a souvenir.

For dinner they went to a small steakhouse tucked away in one of the side streets. It must’ve been fairly new, since he’d never eaten there before, but it was away from the large crowds, served drinks, and from the looks of it had very good food. The bison steak he ended up having was incredible, and from the way Kallista devoured her food he assumed hers was good too.

At the end of the night, they found themselves sitting on their usual rooftop haunt, passing the stolen bottle of wine back and forth between them. After a particularly large swig, he glanced over at her, a wry smile crossing his face. “Alright, I’ll admit, that was a pretty good day you planned out.”

She shot him a toothy grin, “See, I told you you’d have fun! And here you doubted me.” she snatched the bottle from him, taking a sip as she kicked her legs back and forth in the air where they dangled over the edge of the roof.  

Ronan gave her a long look before turning away and staring out into the dark night sky, his expression turning solemn. He really appreciated her doing all of this for him, even if he complained sarcastically every step of the way. He'd softened up significantly to the whole thing during tea time, although he wouldn't admit it aloud, and he really had genuinely enjoyed himself. But a part of him felt like he didn’t deserve any of it. He had a lot of regrets about how he’d raised her, about how he’d treated her when she was younger, about bringing her into the Gash at such a young age, about bringing her into the Gash at all. He wished he’d done so much differently, but at the time he really hadn’t known what to do. It ate away at him, especially at times like this when she essentially sung praises about him and how great of a dad he was. He wasn’t sure he agreed with her in any capacity, but it was nice to know she cared enough to do all this for him. There really wasn’t anyone else in his life he could say that about.

The sound of Kallista’s voice broke him from his thoughts with a bit of a start. “Oh! I almost forgot! I got you something!”

Ronan turned to face her once more, lilac eyes falling on the small package she held in her outstretched hands. He frowned slightly at the sight of the new gift. After everything she did for him today, after everything she planned, she still got him a gift? He shuddered to think how much she’d spent on him. He examined the box critically for a moment before taking it.

Kallista leaned back as she watched him unwrap it, gesturing at it with the wine bottle in her hand. “I figured I’ve given you enough handmade sweaters, scarves, blankets, and shit like that to last a lifetime, so I thought I’d go with something a little more practical this year.”

Inside the box he found a beautiful silver knife with a black leather grip. The blade itself was decorated with elegant floral engravings done all in black, and a blood red gemstone was embedded in the pommel. He took it from the box and spun it around expertly in his fingers a bit, watching the way the moonlight played across the blade. When he glanced back into the box he noticed a small handwritten note from Kallista nestled in the wrapping.

Happy Father’s Day!

Be glad I didn’t knit you another sweater, because I was so so close to making you one that said “World’s Crankiest Dad” on it.

I hope you like the knife, I had it specially made and enchanted for you. Figured you could replace some of your old carving knives with it since some of them are starting to look rough.

Thanks so much for everything you do. You’re seriously the best. I hope you had as much fun today as I had planning it all for you.

Lots of Love,

Kallista

Ronan stared at the knife and the note for a long moment. He was flattered by the gift, especially considering how pricey and rare magic items could be in Holden, but it was all so much. He really didn’t deserve all this, the gift, the outing, the praise. He was at a loss.

“Why did you do all this for me?” he asked quietly, a serious look crossing his face.

“You mean besides the fact that you’re my dad?”

Ronan nodded, his eyes trained on her face as he waited for her answer.

Kallista set the bottle of wine down on the ledge next to her, looking out into the city below them. She said nothing at first, but after a while she spoke. “You’ve done so much for me over the years. You’ve taught me so much, given me so much. You were there for me when no one else was, even if I was a royal pain in your ass and still am half the time. You could’ve easily dumped me on someone else, but instead you let me worm my way into your life and you became my family. You mean a whole damn lot to me, you’re like my best friend, and I’m not sure if I’d still be around if you hadn’t come along. We may not have the most normal relationship or life, but honestly I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’ve never really had the means to show my gratitude other than by making you shit, but now that I do? I just figured I’d try and show my thanks by planning you a day fit for a king.” She trailed off for a few moments, a far away look in her eyes, before she turned back to face him, a sad smile tugging at her lips. “I’ll probably never be able to repay you or show just how thankful I am, but I guess this is a start at least.”

He was somewhat taken aback by her response. It always took him by surprise when she was this sincere, even now. Despite all the shit she went through growing up and all the terrible things she’d seen and done with the Gash, she was still the same sweet and stubborn girl she’d always been. A small smile broke across Ronan’s face and he chuckled softly. She really was something else.

“I wouldn’t say I’m as good as all that, and I hardly think I deserve all this. But thank you.”

She didn’t say anything to that. Instead she shuffled a bit closer to his side, bringing the bottle of wine with her. She leaned her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes with a warm smile. “Happy Father’s Day, dad.”

Ronan wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close, leaning his head down against the top of hers. He thanked her again softly, his smile growing ever so slightly as they stared out into the dark night.

[revirushifaa]

Brothers feeding their infant children

Need so much fluff and cuteness now, so here have these extra cutesy and sugary HC's!

Lucifer feeding his daughter:

*This papa likes to do this task, it's just so soothing and relaxing, he often thinks. Sitting down on a couch or his bed, cradding his little daughter in one arm as the other is used to feed her a bottle of milk.

*He does it when he knows his brothers aren't around to pester him, about how cute and soft he looks with little baby Lucille.

*Lucille isn't a really loud baby, when she gets hungry all she does is whimper slightly and Lucifer knows what it means. Thankfully, since other babies often cry and it can be so troublesome and tiring.

"You're hungry? Feeding time it is."

*He prepares the bottle himself, as neatly as possible and he hums, measures up the amount of formula and water that he has to. Then puts it a few moments in the fire before sitting down and feeding Lucille gently and slowly.

*It's a pretty quiet task, Lucifer's daughter only eats as she closes her eyes and relaxes, and so Lucifer relaxes. Once Lucille's done, he cleans up any remain of milk from her mouth, and they cuddle until the baby falls asleep, Lucifer also falls asleep with his daughter, all snuggled up. (Of course sometimes he forgets to close the door and locked it, so a picture secretly is taken in silence)

Mammon feeding his son:

*Panicky Papa Mammon is panicky. Because whenever he has to feed Junior he forgets how the formula goes and takes a lot of time, which causes his baby son to start getting impatient and cries bloody murder.

"Waaaaaaaaah!!"

"Just a sec, Junior! Daddy's making your bottle, please wait just a sec!"

*Runs everywhere in the kitchen with his son in a sling around his front, makes a mess of himself there. He accomplishes nothing, and defeated has to listen to his infant son cry his little head off.

"Honestly Mammon. By now you should know how this works..."

*Either Satan or Lucifer are the ones doing the job for Mammon since he just can't seem to understand how baby formulas are done.

"Well, well, say thank you to your uncle(s) that could do your bottle better than your daddy."

*Now he can feed Junior as he stands up and gently puts the teat of the bottle in the baby boy's mouth, as he quiets down and starts eating, thanks to it. Mammon is exhausted after every feeding, someday he'll learn how to prepare baby bottles.

Leviathan feeding his daughter:

"Dada hungy."

"Are you hungry, Leviosa? Alright, a bottle will come for you. Actual status: Prepare a bottle for my daughter. And sent."

*This father honestly is a miracle that he acknowledges that he has an actual daughter, one could think that he forgets about it given how much of an otaku and gamer he is, but miraculously he remembers about little Leviosa.

*He prepares the bottle, though he adds more formula than water and the thing ends up thick, too thick for a little demoness baby to eat it.

"You can't eat this... dang it... how are baby bottles made?"

*Searches online tutorials of how to make bottles for infants and after a few trials and errors he's got it. He makes a perfect baby bottle and goes to feed his small daughter with it.

*It's either on his bean bag or his tub bed where he feeds little 'Osa. He wraps her in a blanket and puts a bib around her neck to feed her and the baby girl eats calmly. Sometimes relaxing enough to make Levi almost doze off as he's doing this. Burps his daughter after she's done eating and then plays games with her. Small baby being taught of games anime at a very young age, she's to be an otaku and gamer when she grows up.

Satan feeding his daughter:

*This is the most attentive father in the family, because he knows what babies need and what their crying means when putting careful attention to it. He's read in books, there is literally nothing that this demon doesn't know, even before getting a daughter he knew what he was doing.

*When his daughter is growing restless and whiny, it only means that she's hungry.

"Hungry are we, Sandy? Don't worry, this can be fixed."

*Just like Lucifer he prepares bottles in order, first a specific amount of water, then the formula, closing up the bottle and lastly putting it in the fire for a few minutes before he sits down in a pile of books, cradles Sandy in one arm and feeds her, though the baby girl knows how to hold the bottle herself so she eats on her own, while Satan is reading his novel.

*When done she makes a gurgling sound and Satan cleans her mouth, puts her over his shoulder and gently burps her to avoid her from getting horrible tummy aches, like it happens to babies if they're not burped on time.

*Then he reads her a story. A repeating cycle. Feeding, burping, reading. Repeat.

Asmodeus feeding his son:

*The Avatar of Lust... a father? One could think that this beautiful man wouldn't even want to get himself a child, but apparently he actually gets a son, who he loves and brags about him being the most beautiful baby in the whole Devildom. And he dresses him only in the fashionable children clothes.

*He surprisingly knows how to raise his child and tend to his needs, so his son is not only for fashion, beauty or a simple target of pictures. When little Cosmo is hungry, he lets his father know by chewing on his lipsticks.

"Ah, no, no, no Cosmo. Lipsticks are not chewing toys, you silly~"

*He immediately takes the lipsticks from his little boy and picks him up, knowing what he wants and goes to feed him. Doesn't really know how bottles work so it's always Satan who makes Cosmo's bottles.

"You should already know how to do this, Asmo."

"You know to do it better than me, so do it for me, Satan! Cosmo's hungry and I don't want him to get cranky. His skin will get ruined if he cries that much!"

*Nevertheless, Satan prepares the bottle and gives it to Asmo who thanks him and walks right into his round flowery hanging chair, sits down and feeds his child, humming him a tune. Cosmo rarely cries, the only times is if his father forgets about anything that he needs, but he's a calm baby.

"Alright, we have that tummy filled now. Let's continue making ourselves beautiful and take pictures of us, son!"

Beelzebub feeding his son:

*Whenever Berith gets hungry, he cries as that's the only way he can notify his father that he needs to be fed.

"What is it, my boy? Need something? Hungry?"

"Hungy, hungy, hungy!"

*Berith is a cute chubby baby because just like his father, he eats quite a lot and that's why he has that chubby round body that only makes him look so adorable.

"Alright, alright, let's go eat. I'm hungry too."

*There are like a hundred baby bottles already prepared when arriving at the kitchen. Beel really just prepares a lot of food for his baby and himself, so they both can just eat without waiting for much.

*Berith doesn't get full with only one bottle, he eats and eats until all the prepared bottles are all finished and he's satisfied. After all his the son of the Avatar of Gluttony. Who's to say that he wouldn't be a glutton just like his dad? Obviously he's a glutton, and if he's not fed on time he throws major temper tantrums, which won't quiet down until he has something to chew on his little mouth.

"We're full, now are we? You ate them all, son! You're just like me."

*Beel has the best eating buddy that he could ask for. Hands down.

Belphegor feeding his twin sons:

*The Avatar of Sloth raising a pair of twin sons seems like a dream, but it isn't a dream. Belphie's the father of twin son's and he actually does take good care of them, despite sleeping most of the time, but it helps since babies do sleep a lot, and so does his sons.

*They both cry in unison if they're hungry, which wakes up their father who tries to get oriented again and tend to his two babies.

"Beliel, Beleth... what is it, sons? Oh, you're both hungry. Well, let's get you fed."

*Still sleepily, Belphie picks them up in both arms and goes to get their bottles, which thankfully Beel has prepared and left in the room just for Belphie to take them and feed both Beliel and Beleth.

*Since he only have two arms and it's twins that he's holding, he had taught them to eat on their own, just like how Satan taught his daughter to do so. It's easier that way, all Belphie has to do is sit down on the rocking chair and rock with his infant twins as they eat.

*Falls asleep when they're halfway and them too. Both twins are asleep. Belphie, Beliel and Beleth work that way. In halfway to be done eating, they all fall asleep. Beel has to pick the two babies and put them in their cribs, then pick up Belphie and put him to bed.

[f0xfordcomma]

Hello!! Happy FFWF!! Is there anything in particular that you find hard to write? Are there any WIPs that you've just absolutely given up on cause you think it'll go nowhere?? (would you share a bit of it? :D)

Croisty! Happy ffw tuesday (which tbh is earlier than I thought I'd be able to do these, so be proud of me lol)

I wish I had more to go off of in my writing portfolio to answer this question, but I think the thing I have the hardest time writing/ have avoided writing in my wips is just unfettered angst or like horror/ violence. Like character death? Gore? Fight scenes? (ooooh baby I SUCK at fight scenes) all of /that/ is just not really my forte as a writer. Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to hurting my characters, but hurt/comfort is more where its at for me. You've read my stuff, so you know how emotionally driven a lot of my writing is. I think I would have a hard time writing more graphic/ heartbreaking/ violent *stuff* in my style. Idk, it would probably be a good thing for me to practice.... but.... I don't wanna (hands on hips) sooooo I'm not planning to really do anything quite like that anytime soon.

As far as abandoned wips go, I've got plentyyyy (or just verrrrrrry dusty wips that are not quite abandoned but are sitting very patiently on the shelf waiting for me to have the time to get back to them) Violent/ angsty/ deathy/ fighty abandoned wips though? Not so much.

But for you, mon petit croissant, have a bit of a miraculous ladybug reveal fic that I wrote one night after having a little ~ouid~ and convincing my husband to put on a sheet face mask with me that I now have no intention of finishing (oops, rip me).

okaaaaayyy so this is actually pretty dang long lol but I'm going to share the whole thing with you because I just re-read it for the first time in months and its pretty funny ~if you ask me~ so anyway... under the cut <3

NIGHT OFF

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a totally crazy idea to take a night off.

Besides, Shadowmoth’s akumatizations had slowed down considerably in the past few months, and he rarely ever sent out two akumas in one day. The battle that she and Chat had fought that morning was brutal, but they’d come out victorious against HoneyBadger. Still, the fight had left her exhausted and wound up. Shadowmoth was planning something, she was sure of it. She just couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out what it was.

Ladybug was stressed.

Add to that, the fact that end-of-term exams were starting up next week and she’d not had nearly enough time during dead week to actually cram. Something about black butterflies and cranky kwamis and a cheeky cat (who, in recent weeks, had been considerably less cheeky.) Not to mention, she had been receiving an awful lot of memes, seemingly without preamble, from Paris’ favorite male model. Nino thought it was hilarious. Alya thought it was suspicious. Marinette thought it was confusing.

Marinette was stressed.

All of it was stressful.

*

Alya knew when her best friend was stressed. She could usually gauge the amount of Marinette’s exasperation by the frequency with which her bangs went flying from her face, propelled by a huff and a heavy sigh. Right now, Marinette’s bangs were a mess.

“Okay, girl. You need a night off.”

“What? No, I’m fine! Really! Plus, I can’t really afford to take a night off right now, Alya… I don’t know what Shadowmoth ha—”

“Yeah, no. I’m stopping you right there. For the next twenty-four hours, this space is a Ladybug-talk free zone,” she gestured vaguely around her bedroom, which was scattered with printouts and pictures that Marinette had brought over to work on nailing down Hawkmoth’s possible location using Alya’s beloved akuma-map. “I know, I know. It pains me more than it pains you, truly. But I’m doing this for you. Tonight: you, me, drinks, distractions. You are taking a night off.”

“But Alya! What if—”

“Hush, you know that’s incredibly unlikely. And, in the event of this IF you are so set on, you know that cat boy and I will have your back. Even drunk ladybugs can purify akumas when they have the clawed crusaders on their side.”

“I can’t believe you gave in to his silly nickname.”

“It is a badass nickname and you are just jealous that we bonded.”

“I’m not jealous. I’m annoyed.”

“Mhmm… keep telling yourself that, girl. Now, back to the matter at hand: what kind of drunk do you want to get tonight? Classy or trashy? I still have that peach stuff from last month, but if we are thinking classy I might need to call in the reserves to get us some decent wine.”

“You won’t need to call in anybody, Al, because I am definitely not getting drunk tonight.”

“Night off, Marinette. Drunkenness is a prerequisite.”

“Can’t we just watch movies or something? I really don’t know if that’s too good of an idea…”

“Girl, we watch movies every night. This is a night off. Don’t think I don’t see you stressing all throughout movie night every week, anyway. You need to take your mind off Ladybug,” she gestured at the mess that had consumed her bedroom. “And get your mind back on Marinette. Superhero or no, you’re still a teenage girl who is supposed to be enjoying the last few months of college.”

Marinette pouted.

“Stop pouting. You know you deserve to have normal girl fun.”

“But Alya I—”

“No buts.” An unnervingly devious look crossed Alya’s face. “Unless it is your butt in that pair of skinny jeans that you and I both know you-know-who loves. Boys will be here in twenty. Get to it, girl.”

Marinette just gaped at her. She didn’t even notice that Alya had grabbed her phone, but alas, there was the tell-tale ping.

Alya Cesaire → Akuma class OGs chat

Alya: anyone down for a little last minute get together—my door is open and my bar is stocked

Nino: HELL YEAH babe!

NL: got a new mix i’ve been meaning to show you… so entertainments on me fam!

Alix: This thing got an itinerary or just drunkenness for drunkenness sake?

Alya: the latter, natch.

Alix: Sick! Count me in.

Kim: same!

Rose: Do you need us to bring anything?

Alya: anything you feel like sharing

Alya: otherwise, just yourselves!

Alya: Agreste~you better bring us some of that expensive shit that i know your pops keeps somewhere in that castle of yours

Alya: no fancy wine, no admittance

Alya: the rest of you peasants just bring wtvr

Adrien: uhhhhhhhhhh

Adrien: ALYA

Adrien: dang it! You know I feel obligated to steal wine from my dad’s cellar now

Adrien: do you know how scary my dad is!!!??

Nino: DUDEEEE

Nino: DO IT you wont!

Adrien: shuddup Nino

Marinette: Adrien you totally don’t have to! Alya is just being **extra** Alya today

Alya: i plan a night off for this girl

Alya: and this is the thanks i get??????

Alya: can ya’ll believe this?

Alya: ridiculous

Zoe: UTTERLY RIDICULOUS

Adrien: utterly ridic

Adrien: dangit

Zoe: lol first! sorry adrien

Marinette: ugh ty I guess Als xxxxx

Alya: awe she DOES care, youre welcome babe!

Alya: so sunshine… about that wine?

Adrien: yeah yeah yeah

Adrien: use my people pleasing against me why dontcha

Alya: gladly <3

“Alya, stop bullying Adrien.”

“No way, girl. Giving that boy a task is the only way to ensure he shows up. Speaking of which… butt, jeans, go, now!”

The doorbell rang. Nino had perfected the quickest route to Alya’s house from every part of Paris years ago. Yes, he was whipped; and yes, he was proud of it.

“ALYA! I have to clean all of this up and I have to go home to get those jeans that you’re so dead set on and…”

“No you don’t. Kaalki?”

“Right here, Ms. Rouge.”

“YOU USED VOYAGE TO BRING ME JEANS?”

“No way girl! Don’t be silly. Kaalki and Roaar just volunteered to be my errand kwamis.”

“You guys do realize that I am the guardian, right?”

“Of course, that’s why we worked so hard to get everything that you need for tonight.”

“I—you… wait is this my good bra? How did you—”

“Us kwamis pay attention, Marinette.” Tikki cuddled up to her cheek.

“Et tu, Tikki?”

The ladybug kwami just giggled and made her way to the pile of papers scattered across Alya’s bed, starting to organize them back into neat stacks.

“Night. Off.” Alya punctuated each word with a shove and a smack on the bum, directing Marinette toward the bathroom and shutting her in to get ready while she got the door for Nino.

[juju-on-that-yeet]

It Takes a Village, Chapter 6/12

During a very busy morning at Ego Inc., Yandere ends up in the care of Ed Edgar. He knows better than to try selling him, but Yandere doesn’t have any way of knowing that...

Pls suspend your disbelief and pretend that babies are cognitively developed enough to have self-esteem issues while you read this ^^

Tags: @tired-eldritchhorror​ @peribloke​

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

Read on AO3!

Enjoy!

~

Dr. Iplier didn’t set out to hand Yandere off to Ed Edgar one busy morning. In fact, he’d handed the baby off to Wilford, finding that Dark and Chrome weren’t available. But Wilford soon realized he couldn’t direct his show and watch Yandere at the same time, so he’d handed Yandere off to Bim. But Bim had as much studio work to do as Wilford, so he’d handed Yandere off to the Jims and told them to give Yandere to someone responsible. So the Jims handed Yandere off to Ed Edgar, reasoning that he knew a lot about babies, so he had to be responsible, right?

Now, Ed Edgar is a lot of things. He likes to think he’s a shrewd businessman, a good salesman, and a decent caretaker, even if the others like to think he’s a moronic hick. But whatever he is, Ed is not stupid. He knows by now that he can’t get away with selling Yandere, not after the trouble he got in for even suggesting it before. No, Yandere is not merchandise. Still, Ed doesn’t mind taking care of him. What’s one more baby in his nursery, anyway?

“You’re at a good age, ya know,” he says to Yandere as he takes him to one of the several communal playpens. “Not as helpless a newborn, but not quite as cranky as a toddler yet. This should be a breeze.” He places Yandere in the pen among nearly a dozen other babies the same age as him. “I’ll just make sure you get se–” At that, Ed’s watch starts to buzz.

“Wha?” Yandere asks, tilting his head and looking up at Ed.

“This watch is connected to my cameras,” Ed explains, pressing buttons, “Tells me if somethin’s goin’ on with the babies–” He huffs. “Dang nabbit, Susie Jane’s eatin’ glue again. I’ll be right back, go on an’ introduce yourself.” With that, he leaves.

Yandere is left sitting alone in the playpen, blinking in confusion. Over the past hour he’s been carried and rushed and swapped around to so many people and places, and now that he’s finally been left somewhere, he has no idea where he is. The other babies ignore him, already in pairs or playing alone, and annoyance creeps into Yandere’s mind. After all this mess, he’s stuck in a playpen that isn’t his surrounded by other kids he doesn’t know! At least he has his wooden blocks (which appear beside him nearly as soon as he thinks of them, much to his welcome relief). He tries to stack them, but soon ends up chewing on one as he continues wondering what he’s doing here.

“Hey.”

Yandere startles, looking around himself.

“Behind you, dummy.”

Yandere twists around to awkwardly look backwards, and sees another child, a few years older than himself.

“You dummy!” he yells, scooting himself in a half-circle to face this new child. She’s a girl, around four years old, with hair in two jet black pigtails and wearing a white dress with pattern of cherries all over it. She radiates confidence, hardly reacting to Yandere’s insult.

“Whatever, you’re just a baby,” she says, matter-of-factly. “What’s your name, Baby?”

“Ahn!” Yandere says.

“Anne?”

“No, Ahn!”

“...I’m calling you Baby.”

Yandere pouts and throws a block at the girl. Much to his annoyance, he misses.

“Stop it!” the girl yells, “If you do it again, I’m telling Mr. Edgar and he’s gonna take your blocks away!”

Yandere sets down the next block he was planning to throw with another, deeper pout.

“Meanie,” Yandere mutters.

“No, I’m Marie,” the girl replies, smug.

Yandere blinks, confused all over again.

“Anyway, what are you doing here?” Marie asks, “What happened to your mom and dad?”

That question puzzles Yandere even further.

“Dada helb beeple,” Yandere says, “He dog...do...”

“Doctor?”

“Yeah!”

“What about your mommy?”

Yandere shakes his head.

“No mama.”

“Me too,” Marie says, nodding as if she knew all along what Yandere would say. “Daddy said I’m too much work how and make him think of Mommy too much, so now I’m here.”

“Wha?” Yandere asks, now hopelessly confused. Marie rolls her eyes.

“Daddy gave me up,” Marie explains, still as confident as ever. “So Mr. Edgar took me here and now I live here. Your Dada gave you up, too, so now you’re here.”

“Wha!?” Yandere exclaims, suddenly panicked. “No! Dada lub me!!”

“Maybe he lied.” Marie shrugs. “My Daddy did. All of us got put here to get new parents.”

“No…” Yandere mumbles, but he’s already thinking about earlier, when Dr. Iplier handed him off to Wilford.

“Dark and Chrome aren’t around right now, can you take him? I have a six-car pile-up coming in and I can’t watch Yan and help them at the same time.”

Dr. Iplier is always saying things like that. Always handing him to someone or other. Yandere’s become fond of nighttime, because that’s when Dr. Iplier will read him stories and rock him to sleep, and soothe him if he wakes up before morning. He gets to stay firmly held in Dr. Iplier’s arms then, with no worry that he’ll be given away.

But…maybe Dr. Iplier doesn’t like nighttime as much as Yandere does. With how often he makes someone else take care of Yandere, maybe he doesn’t like it at all. Maybe he’s truly been given away, this time for good. Marie seems so sure of herself, so she must be telling the truth…right?

“Dada…gib way?” Yandere’s eyes are huge, filling with tears. He’s right on the edge of a crying fit, and only needs one more thing to set him off.

“Yeah.” Marie shrugs. “Don’t be sad, Baby. Mr. Edgar is weird but he’s nice. He’ll find you new parents. He’s already looking for mine.”

Well, that’ll do it.

Yandere wails, bawling as loud as he can manage. Other babies in the pen turn to look, a few start crying themselves. Marie covers her ears.

“Stop crying, Baby!!”

Somehow, Yandere cries louder. Tears and snot run down his face, and his cheeks turn red with emotion and exertion. His hands ball up into tiny fists to rub at his eyes, but it doesn’t do much. His whole body shudders from it.

It’s about that time that Ed Edgar comes running back.

“What in the blazes is going on here!?” Ed arrives at a pen full of babies ranging from annoyed to distraught…and Marie. “Marie, what in the world did you do this time??”

“I didn’t do anything!” Marie protests, shouting to be heard over Yandere’s wailing. “I just told him what he’s here for!!”

“Oh, fer cryin’ out loud,” Ed mutters to himself, before addressing Marie, “You cain’t just assume that every kid in here is gettin’ adopted! I’m only babysittin’ this one here!”

“Every other kid in here is getting adopted!” Marie insists, “Baby’s just weird!”

“His name’s Yandere,” Ed tells her, picking Yandere up, “You’ll get a talkin’ to later, missy, but first I gotta fix yer mess.”

Marie sticks out her tongue at Ed and darts away, and Yandere, still sobbing, starts to squirm in Ed’s hold.

“Hey, settle down there,” Ed says, trying to soothe.

“Noooo-o-o!!” Yandere bawls, fighting harder.

“Alright, alright, just–hey, ow! That’s my beard, ow–okay, I’m putting ya down before I drop ya–”

The instant Yandere’s on the ground, he dashes away, mostly crawling.

“Oh, for the love of–” Ed follows him away.

But Yandere is faster, and looking for somewhere to hide. He ends up darting under a cabinet against the wall, far enough back so that he can’t be grabbed and pulled back out. He sits there and curls into a ball, still weeping.

“Hey,” Ed pants, finally arriving. He gets on his hands and knees to peer under the cabinet at Yandere. “Hey, kid, come on out, come–oh man,” He pauses to gasp for breath. “I’m too old to keep chasin’ y’all like this…Come out, Yandere!”

“Noooo,” Yandere whimpers, shrinking back even further.

“Dang nabbit,” Ed sighs.

He already knows what he has to do, and he’s not looking forward to it.

~~~

Dr. Iplier was away from Yandere for one hour.

Dark was out of the building for two.

Yet, here they are, standing outside the nursery of a very embarrassed Ed Edgar, hearing about why Yandere is currently wailing so loud he can be heard from the hall.

“You left him alone??” Dr. Iplier asks Ed in disbelief. Dark turns to Dr. Iplier.

“And you left him with Ed??” he growls.

“Naw, he didn’t,” Ed says, “I got Yandere from the Jims.”

Dark’s form cracks, and Dr. Iplier looks like he’s about to crack, too.

“Woah, now hold on!” he shouts, “I didn’t give Yan to the Jims! I wouldn’t trust those two with a potted plant, let alone a baby! I gave him to–” He stops up short as he realizes. “Wilford.”

Dark’s form splits open for a brief moment, showing a silhouette of himself practically pulling his hair out in rage.

“I will speak to him about this,” he says icily.

“For what it’s worth,” Ed mumbles, “The Jims said they got Yandere from Bim.”

“So what, Wilford just decided to play hot potato with Yan?” Dr. Iplier sighs, rubbing his forehead in exasperation. “I knew I should’ve left him with someone else.”

“Hey!”

Everyone looks towards the door to the nursery, which has slightly opened, then down. It’s Marie, clearly grumpy. And who could blame her; Yandere’s howls are even louder now with the door open.

“Marie, get back inside!” Ed exclaims, “Cain’tcha see I’m busy!?”

“Are you guys gonna make Yandry or whatever stop crying already??” She crosses her arms. “He’s too loud!!”

“Watch how you speak to your elders, little girl,” Dark warns through grit teeth.

Marie’s eyes widen a little at his tone but she doesn’t back down, and Ed starts pushing her back inside.

“I should get in there,” Dr. Iplier says, “Hopefully I can get Yan to come out on his own.”

“I’ll deal with Wilford and Bim,” Dark says, “And if he’s not out by the time I return, I’m getting him out myself.” His aura writhes gently.

“I guess you’d have to…” Dr. Iplier admits, clearly not on board with that option.

Either way, Dark leaves, and Dr. Iplier follows Ed and Marie into the nursery.

He’s been here before to treat the children. Mostly it’s fevers that get too high and enough ear infections for a whole pediatrics department, but occasionally a kid will fall off a play structure and need a cast or stitches. Though Dr. Iplier doesn’t like thinking about Ed’s business, he has to admit that the nursery is big and clean and that the children always seem well enough cared for. Right now, though, most of the kids are clearly unhappy, presumably due to Yandere’s disruptive crying, which gets louder and louder the further into the nursery they go. Finally, they reach an oak cabinet and Ed points beneath it.

“That’s where he is,” he says, wincing and rubbing his ear with one hand, “If you couldn’t tell.”

Marie stands off to the side, clearly curious about Dr. Iplier and what he’s going to do, as Dr. Iplier gets down on all fours to look at Yandere. His hearts twists at the sight of his boy curled up in a trembling, weeping ball.

“Yan? Sweetheart?” Dr. Iplier says, making his voice as gentle as possible. Yandere hears him and immediately looks up, sniffling.

“Dada?”

“Yeah, Yan, Dada’s here.” He gives a soft smile and reaches out a hand. “Come on out, sweetheart, it’s alright.”

“No!” Yandere tightens into a ball again, trying to scoot further back into the wall. “Dada gib way!”

“Give…oh, honey,” Dr. Iplier murmurs, heart breaking all over again. Ed had told him and Dark about what he suspected one of the other kids had told Yandere, but Dr. Iplier hadn’t expected him to take it to heart.

“Dada no lub me,” Yandere whimpers into his arms.

“No, Yan, that’s not true!” Dr. Iplier insists, “Of course I love you, I love you so much. You’re my son and I’ll always love you no matter what.”

Yandere looks up again, eyes huge and teary.

“No wan’ new Dada,” he sniffles, “Wan’ Dada.”

Dr. Iplier can’t hold back a gasp.

“I know, baby,” he murmurs, choked up, “You’re not getting a new Dada. I’m your Dada, I’m right here.”

“I knew his name was Baby,” Marie whispers.

“You hush,” Ed whispers back.

“Dada gib way,” Yandere whimpers.

“Sweetheart…” Dr. Iplier takes a steadying breath. “I know I did. I know I do. I want to be your Dada but I want to be a doctor, too, and I thought…I thought I was doing both. I didn’t know it would upset you so much to keep passing you along, but I should’ve known, and I’m sorry.” A sparkle of hope appears in Yandere’s eyes. “From now on, I…I’ll close the clinic to humans. So I’ll be taking care of the other egos but I’ll be taking care of you, too. I promise I’ll take better care of you.” He reaches out a hand again. “Please come out.”

Yandere looks at Dr. Iplier’s hand, then his face, and his eyes widen with alarm.

“Dada sad?” he asks, starting to uncurl and peer intently at Dr. Iplier’s face.

That’s when Dr. Iplier realizes there’s a few tears streaking down his cheeks.

“Yes, I guess I am,” Dr. Iplier admits, chucking a little as he wipes his face. “I’m sad because you’re sad.”

“No sad!” Yandere exclaims, crawling to Dr. Iplier’s outstretched hand. Though tears are still wet on his face and he’s done completely done crying yet, he grabs Dr. Iplier’s hand with both of his own and squeezes. “No sad, Dada. I lub you.”

Dr. Iplier beams, trying not to cry even harder.

“I love you, too,” he murmurs.

He puts his other arm around Yandere and pulls him out from under the cabinet, holding him to his chest as he stands up again. Yandere doesn’t protest, instead leaning into the embrace and resting his cheek on Dr. Iplier’s shoulder. Dr. Iplier hums softly, stroking Yandere’s hair and swaying back and forth to soothe the last of the tears away–Yandere’s tears, and his own, too.

After several long moments of quiet, a shout pierces the air.

“That’s not fair!!” Marie yells, stomping her foot. Tears poke out from the corners of her eyes. “How come his daddy wants him back and mine doesn’t!?”

Dr. Iplier’s jaw drops. He suddenly realizes that this little girl was the one who told Yandere that he’d been given up, and he suddenly realizes why.

“Oh, no…” he murmurs, ready to start comforting her.

But Ed beats him to it.

“Marie,” he says, kneeling down to her eye-level. She turns away in anger. “Look at me, little miss.”

“It’s not fair!” she yells again, “I want Daddy!!”

“Do you?” Ed asks, voice even and patient. “You remember what he said when he brought ya to me?”

Marie hesitates, then turns to face Ed again. She nods, tears starting to fall.

“He wasn’t very kind, now was he?”

“No…”

“Yer daddy is a lazy, no-good, son of a gun. Plenty’a daddies don’t give their kids away if somethin’ happens to the mommy. Yer daddy’s a coward, and you deserve a better one. That’s why you’re here, ain’t it?” He gently pinches Marie’s tear-stained cheek. “Ain’t no one gonna adopt ya if yer cryin’ and carryin’ on,” he chides, but there’s a note of teasing in his voice and the slightest smile on his lips.

Marie giggles despite herself and playfully pushes Ed’s hand away before wiping her tears.

“I know all that stuff,” Marie sniffles, “I still miss him, though.”

“Course ya do, he’s the only daddy you’ve had,” Ed replies, “But someday you’ll have a new daddy who treats you like the belle of the ball.”

Marie nods and smiles shyly.

“You alright now?”

“Yeah…” Marie looks at her hands, fidgets a little.

“Oh, fine, c’mere,” Ed sighs, faking exasperation as he opens his arms. Marie steps forward and throws her arms around his neck, and Ed wraps his arms around her in turn.

“Thanks, Mr. Edgar,” Marie whispers.

“Don’t mention it, sugar,” Ed replies, giving her forehead a quick peck as he pulls away. “You run along now, little miss.”

Marie grins, kisses Ed on the nose, and runs away laughing before Ed can react. Ed’s cheeks turn red as he pulls his hat down, covering his face.

“She’s quite a character, isn’t she?” Dr. Iplier says, both touched and amused.

“You betcha,” Ed answers as he stands. He lifts his hat as his blush recedes, smiling softly. “I’ve got half a mind to adopt that girl myself.”

“You should,” Dr. Iplier says, sparing a fond glance to Yandere, now asleep in his arms after the morning’s excitement. He pauses, thinking. “I guess I never realized you actually…I mean, with these kids…”

“What, that I care about ‘em?” Ed asks, “That I don’t just use ‘em for money?” He laughs a little. “S’alright, I don’t mind. It used to be like that, at first. S’how I screwed stuff up with my son. But then, well, that happened…”

Dr. Iplier nods, looking down. He hates to think of that time as much as any of the Cyndago egos do, even if he’s not one himself.

“…an’ I said to myself, the hell am I doin’?” Ed continues with a sigh. “I remember what my video was for, how it was meant to make people wanna help kids, and here I am, doin’ all this shady stuff to make money off ‘em.” He grimaces at the memory. “I just decided I didn’t wanna be that man no more. But, to be frank with ya, I’m thinkin’ it’s easier if the others don’t know I’ve changed. King and Silver know already, s’why we’re friends, but they ain’t tellin’ nobody.” His expression turns serious. “There’s too many wackos around here, and the less they want to do with me, the further they stay away from my kids. An’ if the head honcho back there thinks I don’t give a rat’s ass ‘bout ‘em, he ain’t gonna try to use ‘em against me.”

Dr. Iplier remembers how Ed spoke of Marie when he explained the situation to him and Dark earlier. How he’d seemed so annoyed with her yet so flippant about her, how he’d never even mentioned her name. If Dark had known that she was the one who upset Yandere when she opened the door and made a fuss, Dark would’ve done much worse than scold her. What Dr. Iplier had mistaken for embarrassment and anger as Ed pushed Marie back inside was probably fear. But he’d hidden it so well to keep her safe.

“That’s smart of you,” Dr. Iplier admits, “I never would’ve guessed. I’ve underestimated you, Ed.”

“Aw shucks,” Ed chuckles, “No need to lay on the compliments, Doc. Jus’ keep all this between us, ya hear?”

“Of course,” Dr. Iplier promises. He sighs. “What a day already, huh? I’m gonna take Yan back to the clinic with me.”

“You got that right.” Ed tips his hat. “See ya ‘round, Doc.”

“See you, Ed.”

When Dr. Iplier leaves the nursery, closing the door behind him, Dark is already back.

“Oh, hey,” Dr. Iplier says, “How long have you been waiting?”

“Only a few moments,” Dark says. “I assumed Yandere was alright since I could no longer hear his crying.” He looks down at Yandere, still sleeping soundly in Dr. Iplier’s arms. “He is alright, I presume?”

“Yep,” Dr. Iplier answers, looking at Yandere as well and stroking his hair, “I’ve decided I’m going to stop treating humans until he goes back to normal. I hate to turn people away, but…I don’t ever want to hear him cry like that again.”

Dark nods, reaching out a hand to Yandere. He runs a finger down his cheek, making Yandere stir a little and smile in his sleep. Dark can’t help but smile gently in turn.

“So…” Dr. Iplier begins, “…Are Wilford and Bim still alive?”

“Of course,” Dark answers, his smile turning sharp, “They won’t die in my void unless I will it. I imagine they’ll be wishing for it by the time I let them out.”

Dr. Iplier shudders. Yes, Ed definitely has the right idea. Dr. Iplier looks down at Yandere again, watches him sleep with Dark’s finger still gentle on his cheek, and is suddenly very, very grateful that his son is in Dark’s good graces.

[atraceofhonesty]

All odd questions

1-Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?I haven’t said those words to someone in I think over a year?  This doesn’t count family.  And yea.  I absolutely meant it.  3-When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?When a friend of mine was telling me about her pregnancy and her bf being a garbage person.  Happy about the munchkin, aggravated about him.5-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?Nope, not that I’m aware of.  And if they were they could kiss the fattest part of my7-What exactly are you wearing right now?Red striped t-shirt, black boxer briefs.9- Do you wear jeans or sweats more?Jeans, most definitely.11-Are you a social or an antisocial person?Antisocial.  Being around too many people for too long especially without an anchor person makes me dizzy and uncomfortable.13-What about ‘R’? (Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with)Nope!15-Do you care if people talk badly about you?I do, I’d much prefer if people told me their discrepancies to my face, because I always try to do my best to be nice and fair and kind to everyone I encounter.  Unless you’re disrespectful to me before you even know me.  Then you’re basically dead to me and I couldn’t care less what you think or say of me.17-When was the last time you cried?Last night.  I fkin cried over the movie happy death day when she talks to her dad.  Keeping that spoiler minimum and for the people who’ve seen it, you know the scene.19-If you could change your eye color, would you?No, I think the blue that it is, is just fine.21-Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.I’ve been having an annoying amount of acid building up in my stomach and while it isn’t too problematic just the underlying feeling of it makes everything I do sour.  23-Are you dating the last person you talked to?No, and the last person I dated I haven’t spoken to in about 11 months now.25-Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?No, this kinda makes me sad, but nobody in my family regularly says it either, not since my grandma passed a few weeks ago >.27-Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?I think it was Shannon.29-Where is the shirt you are wearing from?Bluenotes.31-Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?Well, since I don’t drink at all, that’d be really unusual now wouldn’t it?33-Do you want your tongue pierced? I did in highschool when I was a much hornier brat.  Um, if my partner asked me to get one though, i’d highly consider it.35-Did you have a dream last night?Yes, I got shot at a lot by this guy, but since I’ve been able to control my dreams lately, he grazed me, and I got really upset at him, and he begged my forgiveness and gave me like stacks upon stacks of money and asked if this was enough to forgive him, and aha, I told him it was a start lol37- Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?It’s really hard to say.  I think I’d like to be, but, I can only play the cards i’m dealt.39-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?I get the feeling there is, yea.41-Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?Definitely not.  It’s been 11 months since I was.43- Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?yes, and I’m pretty sure they cheated on me so like HAHAHA.  Ur loss babe.45-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?Oh yea, and it’s linked in my aboutme page lol47-Do you replay things that have happened in your head?Constantly, but usually the stuff I feel I should’ve done differently or better.49-Is your life anything like it was two years ago?Oh, absolutely not.  Like night and day.51-Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?Not in the slightest aha, very good friend of mine.53- Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?Yes absolutely.  In fact..55- Are you good at hiding your feelings?I am when they’re bad.  Not so much when they’re happy or stuff like that57- Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?Nope.59-Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?Yes, it was like 4 months ago and I was in a walk in freezer LOL61-How’s your heart?A little confused, but definitely healed from that last traumatic event.63-Have you ever cried over a guy?Not.  Romantically, but at work a male customer made me cry, so there’s that.65-Are your toenails painted pink?No but they definitely should be lol67-Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?I wouldn’t say love it, but being honest with your feelings, I would definitely say girls wouldn’t hate it.  69-Who was the last person you were on the phone with?*sigh.  My grandma.71-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?No.  Unfortunately, I have to try and suppress myself around my friends if I ever get upset about something, and...I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to be completely happy around someone either...which is super depressing to think about.  Don’t read too much into that.73- Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?I have a VERY tight circle, and um.  Yea.  I feel I do.  I think that took a while to admit to myself.75- Did you wake up cranky?I mean I got shot in my damn dream and the notification that woke me up was from the WRONG PERSON.  so maybe a little yea.77-Are relationships ever worth it?yesyesyes, even if they fail, they can teach you so much about yourself and your preferences, and what you want and what you don’t want79- Currently wanting to see anyone?um um um.  maybeeeee...yes.81-Last person you cried in front of?My back was always turned to my coworkers or I’d bite myself to hold my tears back.  Um.  The last person was like a year and a half ago in front of my ex when I had a bad day, she drove me home and I cried the whole way.83- Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?Protective?  I’m really not sure about that.  I’m sure they’ll let me know though when they read this aha85-Are you over your past?yes.  It took me a long time but yes.87-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?I kind of already answered this by proxy already so ya89-So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?They came a long ass way, so yea I’m letting em in.  And then asking why tf they’re here of all places.  Not that i’d be mad, it’s just.  It’d be very confusing.91- Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?I’m not gonna hold my breath.  But if that’s what someone I have feelings for wants to do, then.  Only time will tell won’t it :)93Have you ever kissed a Matthew?How can you ask letters and get no, and ask a specific name and get a yes, that’s magical.95-Were you happy with the person you liked in March?HNNNNGGGGG.  I WAS HAPPY WITH THEM BEFORE MARCH.  I’m over it.  it’s been a year.  I’m over it. 97- Who do you have texts from?I don’t text.  Snapchat, facebook w.e.  But I don’t like the constant coverage.  The, I can contact you anywhere you are thing.  If I go for a walk, I wanna know it’s impossible for me to be found.  Sorry not sorry.99-Have you ever kissed someone older than you?yes, but...I don’t think i’ve been in a relationship with an older person since I was in early highschool like 2010 or something lol101- Ever kissed under fireworks?Yes!  Although it was Canada day from 2 years ago.  DANG THAT WAS LONG I HOPE YOU GOT YOUR FIX.  INB4 the anon asking for all evens, I strongly would like you write you an angrily written letter lol

[junker-town]

What is your worst golfing experience?

The SB Nation staff is telling you ours so that you’ll tell us yours.

The Masters are this weekend, so everyone’s telling golf stories. However: The only good golf stories are bad golf stories. No one wants to hear about that time you eagled on the 12th hole and then had a pleasant lunch after the 18th. There is nothing interesting about finishing a round with more balls than you started. Find me a human who wants to be regaled with tails of how you got your handicap so low, and I’ll show you a country club that lets you in without a shirt or shoes.

You know what people do want to hear? Stories about that time you drove the golf cart into the lake, or when your uncle accidentally hit your cousin in the butt with a golf ball on the fairway, or when you swung a golf club like a baseball bat.

To get things going, the SB Nation staff is going to tell you the worst things we’ve ever done on golf courses. Please tell us about your bad (and funny) golfing experiences in the comments after this article. We want to know everything.

Brian Floyd

Teed off behind carts, drove ball through cart window.

Drove a cart spinning out of control backwards down a hill, bailed out and watched it slam into a tree.

Cart in a lake.

Drove a ball off the house and onto the deck of an elderly couple I was randomly grouped up with.

Lost grip on a club at a driving range.

Playing partner missed a putt and snapped his putter.

Friend teed off into his own groin.

Jeanna Thomas

I took golf lessons in middle school, there was a boy I liked in my class, and we were playing for real for the first time. We were walking and I tripped and fell down in front of him, and, coincidentally, I took up tennis and never played golf again.

Jessica Smetana

My dad loves golf more than he loves his family, presumably. He forced me and my sister to take golf lessons after school when we were very young. One time my mom was driving us to the course while I was in kindergarten and I got in a fight with my sister because we were both cranky and didn’t want to go to golf lessons. Like, we really hated golf lessons. It got so heated that I scratched my sister across the face and left a permanent scar under her eye. It was traumatic for all parties involved...the blood...so much blood.

Ryan Nanni

So I need a crude diagram for this.

This was on the 18th hole of Reasonably Priced Southern California Golf Course Because Hell No We’re Not Taking You To Something Nice And You Can Only Have ONE Hot Dog Pines. My younger brother is maybe like 130 yards off the green in the middle of the fairway; my father is standing parallel to the ball with a golf cart in between them.

Anyways, my brother just skulls the hell out of an 8 iron or whatever, and the ball takes the strangest physical route I’ve ever seen. It goes forward for 10 yards or so...and then it BOOMERANGS AROUND THE GOLF CART AND HITS MY DAD SQUARE IN THE FACE.

The 10 yards is important, because it gave my dad enough time to see the ball and duck. “But the ball still hit him,” you say. Yes, but only in the nose. If he hadn’t ducked, we’re pretty sure it would have hit him straight in the throat (possible death) or mouth (assured dental nightmare).

We didn’t wind up finishing the round.

Charlotte Wilder (this story is a lot like Ryan’s, sorry)

I also made a crude diagram for this:

My family was up in Maine on a summer vacation when I was eight, and it rained — we’re talking torrential downpours — for ten days straight. My parents, aunts, and uncles exhausted every indoor activity they could think of (we even knit potholders???) to keep me and my cousins from driving them to the brink of madness, but by day eight, my dad couldn’t take it anymore. He was like, “Screw the rain, I’m taking the whole family golfing anyway.”

The weather was so bad that the country club was closed, so my dad had to sneak us onto the golf course. We took off our shoes and essentially turned the fairway into a slip n’ slide, reveling in that specific kind of fun that comes from doing something reckless and prohibited. It’s a feeling which, as a child, is made even more exhilarating when it’s sanctioned by an authority figure. In short: Watching your dad break the rules is a total rush.

So we’re on the fairway at the third, living our best lives, when my uncle hits the ball as hard as he can with a seven iron and absolutely DRILLS my eight-year-old cousin, his son, square in the butt with a golf ball. My uncle must’ve sliced it way worse than he was expecting to, because my cousin wasn’t even really in front of him at all. But somehow the ball nailed him and he jumped five feet into the air. It’s one of my earliest memories of knowing I shouldn’t be laughing so hard and having zero power to stop myself.

Anyway, pretty sure my dad got super yelled at when the club’s management found out what we’d done, but they didn’t kick us out as members. My cousin had a big-ass ass bruise for a while, but that soon faded. So, ultimately, the only consequence was that now we have the story of That Time My Uncle Hit My Cousin in the Butt with a Golf Ball and We Almost Got Kicked Out of the Country Club But Didn’t.

A Wilder family classic.

Christian D’Andrea

I played golf in high school for one of the worst teams Rhode Island had to offer. The silver lining was we got to play some of the state’s nicest courses — but since they only begrudgingly let us poor folk step foot on their property, it meant we had to play 100% on their terms. Which means that when a hail/thunderstorm drowned Warwick Country Club for several hours back in 2002, we had no choice but to play out our round or risk never coming back.

This would have been challenging in any gear, let alone the polo shirt and shorts I’d worn since I was convinced the match would be canceled. I shivered through nine holes of some of the worst golf known to man, at two different points accidentally launching clubs into water hazards since it was too damn wet to get a solid grip on anything. We lost both our matches that day, a fate made even worse when we found out one of our players was extremely academically ineligible and we would have had to forfeit, no matter what.

My buddy is getting married at that country club this summer. If I have time, I might wade into the hazard on the ninth hole and see if I can find my dang five wood.

Pete Volk

I’m in my 20s and have never had a driver’s license, but I have driven twice. The first time was in college, because I was the only one that could buy beer at the drive-through liquor store. The second time was in California, when my cousin dared us to race golf carts on one of the big highways in Palm Desert. I almost got t-boned by a semi running a red light, and saw the golf cart crumple before my eyes, a la Car Boys. I am never getting in a golf cart ever again.

Oh, I also went to the driving range once, but that was mostly pleasant, if not a little boring.

Luke Zimmermann

I attended a middle class elementary school which had a golf unit. In it, I discovered I was a fairly proficient golfer; who knew?

Midway through an exhibition of long ball prowess with the other best golfer in the class, we began an informal contest to determine who was the best at driving the ball the farthest.

After I hit my shot -- a pretty impressive drive in fairness -- I stepped aside to let my counterpart give it his all. "Hit it hard!," I yelled. He did. With the followthrough proceeding to hit me square in the forehead. Evidently in awe of my own long shot ability, I'd failed to give my rival the appropriate room to hit his shot.

I took a few steps back after stumbling. Immediately covered my forehead. I walked woozily over to our instructor and told her I had a headache. She asked me to move my hand. She saw my skull and fainted.

A few staples in the head later, I was good as new. But I was never competent at golf ever again. You win some, you lose some.

Alex Kirshner

I haven’t always demonstrated pinpoint accuracy off the tee box. Some years ago, I must’ve had a lot of pent-up rage, because I took a huge, coiling backswing and just focused on smacking the chocolate out of a golf ball. I wasn’t thinking at all about form, control, or fluidity. I just wanted to hit it far.

I hit a ground ball off the tee that bounced off one of the tee markers in front of me, shot back at me, and hit me in the cheek. The grooves in the ball were imprinted on my face for several hours that day. Couldn’t do it again if I tried.

James Dator

I’ve only been golfing once. I will only go golfing once. One attempt at playing golf was enough for me to say “Huh, maybe no more golf?” the same way I don’t ski anymore because of the trauma 900 splits why falling on skis does to a husky gentleman’s frame — but that’s another story.

My college roommate was outraged that I’d never played golf before, so he immediately made us plans to play the local public course. I asked him what I needed and he said “Nothing special,” convincing me we could just rent whatever he needed. I rock up to the course in jeans, a Nine Inch Nails t-shirt and carrying a case of Beast Ice.

I rented what I needed, and things were fine — until around the fourth hole I noticed my hands were starting to hurt. Like really hurt. Unusually hurt. I hadn’t held a golf club until that day, so I stare at my hands and all the skin is puffy and blistered and horrible. I didn’t know gloves are a semi-important thing, especially when you can’t hold a club right.

Afraid I’d let my roommate down I kept drinking and played through the pain. By the 11th the blisters that had formed has burst, all the skin was gone from my hands and they hurt so badly it reminded me of those mini-games in Mario Party where you had to rotate the N64 stick until they took the skin off your hands.

For the next week I had to wear surgical gloves at work and bandage myself up the best I could. I also crashed a golf cart into a tree and went to relieve myself in a tree stand before realizing a green was on the other side and some Japanese businessmen were not happy to see me.

Grant Brisbee

The first time I golfed, I was 25. I'm not athletic, I have terrible muscle memory, and golf is quite possibly the worst possible sport for me. I'm better at arm wrestling, even though my arms look like God took a Funyun and split in half.

I married into a golf family, though, so I knew I had to learn fast, which meant spending a little time at the driving range. If you've never swung and missed completely at a dozen straight golf balls at a driving range with everyone side-eying you and giggling, I recommend it. Builds character.

During one of these sad trips, I got so frustrated, I gripped the driver like a baseball bat and swung it the same way. POW. it sailed 250 yards, but it had a nasty, wicked slice. So I turned my body to the left, as if I were trying to hit it into the driving range parking lot. POW. Same thing, except the slice took it right back where the fairway would have been. Three more times. POW piff POW. Don't know what happened to the second one, but I had two drives out of three that were just about the best drives of my life.

I had figured out the secret of golf. Just do what you're comfortable with. I could at least fake a decent baseball swing after 5,000 hours of practice in that sport. It doesn't make a difference if the ball is almost on the ground instead of at your belt.

Now I had driving-range swagger. Teed up the sixth drive in my baseball-grip experiment, and POW CLANG SHIT OH GOD BLOOD BLOOD EVERYWHERE wait, no, I'm not bleeding, but the ball did hit off the bottom wall of my little driving-range cubicle and ricocheted right into my damned face. It felt like there should have been blood everywhere.

I will always love and respect the person who asked me if I was okay without laughing. I walked around, dazed, pride hurting as much as my cheekbone, before packing my crap and leaving in disgrace.

That was the last time I swung a golf club like a baseball bat.

TELL US YOUR WORST GOLFING EXPERIENCES IN THE COMMENTS!!!!