#she knows about my abusive dad so how fucking dare she accuse me of lying about a subject that horrifies me for fucking personal reasons

[prismatic-starstuff]

-

[iamnotawomanimagod]

Dare Me: Comparing the Book to the TV Show

Like many, I was super sad to hear that Dare Me, starring Herizen Guardiola and Willa Fitzgerald, was canceled before its’ second season. I loved it for its dark representation of female friendship and early sapphic attraction, so I was sad to lose that - but the show also ends on a cliffhanger!

I decided to read the book to find out what happens. Ultimately, I think the TV show is much better, and I don’t know if they would’ve chosen the same ending as the book.

The following breakdown contains spoilers Dare Me, both the book and the tv show. Proceed with caution!

Characters

In the show, Beth and Coach French look nothing alike. Beth has long, dark, curly hair, and Coach has short, blonde hair.

In the book, they share similar features. Both of them have the same hair - I think it’s long and dark, but I can’t remember off the top of my head. It might be long and blonde, instead. Point being, in a grainy camera phone picture (the book is set in like, 2009, when camera phones still sucked) they might be mistaken for one another.

In the show, one of the biggest sources of drama comes from the relationship between Beth and her estranged father. This is due in large part to the fact that her father had an affair and another child, Tacy, and chose the live across the street from his ex-wife and other daughter.

In the book, Tacy is just another girl on the squad. She is a flier, and does compete with Beth for the Top Girl spot, but she’s otherwise not really part of the story.

In the show, Coach’s daughter, Caitlin, is a baby, still. Probably no more than two years old.

In the book, Caitlin is four years old.

In the show, Addy’s mom is a police officer, and is greatly involved in both Addy’s life and in the eventual investigation of Will’s death.

In the book, Addy’s parents are barely mentioned.

In the show, Beth’s mom is an addict, who continues her affair with Beth’s dad. Beth’s dad makes a marked (albeit flawed) effort to be in her life.

In the book, Beth’s parents are basically non-existent. As a result, the necklace Beth’s dad gave her, which is a big part of her characterization in the show, is also non-existent.

In the book, Addy is the one who kicks the girl in the stomach, to help her throw up, not Beth.

In the show, the signs of eating disorders are there, but they’re less obvious. There is a scene where Beth and Addy are eating cookies, and it shows them spitting them out after they chew, but they don’t mention it or talk about it. Beth talks about being hungry in the books a lot, about living off lollipops and detox green tea, about how common it is for all of them to have eating disorders.

In the book, there are more characters. In the show, it appears that many of the characters were streamlined into one - RiRi. The girl who gets injured in the books never returns to the squad. She’s instead an example of the “in-group” of the squad and how easy it is for them to ostracize people.

The biggest change, however, is in the characterization of Beth.

In the show, Beth is much more sympathetic.

In the show, it’s made abundantly clear that Beth was raped by Kurtz. (I think he has a different name in the books.) We see her injuries, her trauma, and her own confrontation with Kurtz. She trades his freedom for information, citing the selfie she took of her torn tongue and the fact that she has other proof. She decides not to press charges if Kurtz will tell her what he heard on the night that Will dies. (This does not happen in the books. The random kid Addy makes out with in the first episode is the one who places Coach and Matt at the scene of the crime.)

In the book, it’s implied that Beth pushed Kurtz to be rougher with her, so that she could gain sympathy from Addy. She hides her underwear in her purse, never confronts Kurtz, and doesn’t have the same level of injury.

In the show, we spend time with Beth in her house, see her when she’s alone, and come to recognize that, whether intentionally or not, Addy is playing with Beth’s feelings for her. Addy comes across as the manipulative Mean Girl, shifting the audience’s perspective on them as the show goes on.

In the book, the reveal of Addy and Beth’s romantic attraction comes much later, towards the very end. It’s revealed that they did more than kiss, probably fooled around a bit. Beth’s jealousy of Addy’s growing attraction to Coach is what makes Beth...well, do what she does.

In the book, there is no storyline around Coach being the new hero of the town, the one who’s going to revive the economy with her excellent cheer squad. The book follows only Addy’s perspective, so a lot of the explanatory scenes we get in the show, that don’t have her in them, aren’t in the book. 

FINAL SPOILER WARNING. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Here’s how the story ends. I do not know if this is what they were planning for the show, since Beth was a much more sympathetic character.

Literally everything comes down to Beth. Everything is her fault.

Beth seduces Will. She takes a picture of their encounter on her grainy 2000s camera phone. She gets Tacy to send this picture to Matt. Because the picture is grainy, and because Coach and Beth look so much alike, Matt assume it’s a picture of Coach fucking Will. 

Matt then goes and confronts Will, while Coach is at Will’s apartment, and Matt shoots him with Will’s own gun.

Beth further fucks the situation up by lying to Addy about the hamsa bracelet. She convinces Addy (in the show and in the books) that the cops found the hamsa bracelet at the scene of the crime. 

The last we see in the show, Addy is outside of Coach’s house, angry and in tears, asking about the bracelet, and getting no response. We then see Coach confronting Matt about it, and “the night we were there.”

It turns out, however, that the bracelet wasn’t at the crime scene at all - it was in Beth’s locker. She finds the bracelet at Coach’s house, the night after the hotel party, and she steals it back. As in the show, the bracelet was something Beth gave to Addy.

When Addy finds the bracelet in Beth’s locker, she is understandably pissed. She confronts Beth in the locker room, and Beth is her usual sassy, obfuscating self. They go to do the competition. This is probably what the “she’s not you” scene was based on, although it happens much earlier in the show.

At this point, Beth is Top Girl again, through a series of accidents on the mat. There’s a very difficult flyer move that they’ve been working on, throughout the book. It involves the Top Girl being lifted 16 feet into the air by her squad, held up a bit like a Jesus figure.

During a huge competition, the one with the scout, in the book, they do this stunt. Addy is one of Beth’s spotters. Beth intentionally twists and falls, so that she lands on her head on the mat. She ends up in the hospital.

The book ends with August tryouts, for the next year. Coach is gone, having been accused of taking part in Will’s murder. Addy is more of a top dog than she’s ever been, because Beth does not return. The book ends with the concept that this toxic, manipulative, abusive cycle, which is all laid on Beth instead of Coach, will continue to spiral on, no matter who is on the squad.

My Take

Tbh, I enjoyed the show a lot more. While I appreciate being able to find out what happened next, I really don’t know if the show would’ve taken the same route. There were a lot of plotlines that were brought in specifically for the show - Tacy and Beth being half-sisters, Addy’s mom being a cop, Beth’s dad living across the street with Tacy, etc. And because of the way Beth was made more sympathetic in the show, I wonder if they would’ve chosen the same ending.

I think that, rather than putting it all on Beth, the show was angling to place the blame on Coach. She was much less sympathetic on the show. In the book, she doesn’t use Addy as a babysitter to see Will. Addy is much less involved in their affair in general, although she is aware of it - that day by the river in the woods does still happen. She’s depicted much more as a Cool Adult who is Far Above all the shit going on in the squad, and that her reliance on Addy only comes out when she’s her most scared, vulnerable, and manic. It makes the line where she tells Addy that Addy is her best friend much more jarring and strange. You realize how lonely Coach is.

Coach also most obviously stands as an example of where characters like Beth and Addy might end up, in ten or so years. Her “perfect life” is under a lot of scrutiny, in both the book and the show, to underline how these cheer girls have big dreams, but will probably end up married, with a kid, living in a house they hate with a partner they don’t care for. It’s to contrast the bombastic, glittery, haughty writing style of the book, of Addy’s narration of it, to show that these are mostly just teenage girls with a whole lot of issues. As beautiful and bright and bold and invincible as they feel, the only thing really waiting for them on the other side is an adulthood with a lot less glory.

I liked the show a lot more. I think it did a better job of showing all of the different characters as well-rounded people, not just stereotypes. Fleshing out Beth’s backstory makes her a lot more sympathetic, and I hate that the book uses a false rape allegation to make Beth a bad person. Coach is the adult in all of this, which I think the show recognized, and sought to correct.

TL;DR - Dare Me made a better show than a book, and it’s a damn shame it got cancelled so soon, because it was better wlw representation, more fleshed out as a story, and less problematic in its stances about the issues teenage girls face.

[kaunis-sielu]

The Dancer and The Biker

A/N: this is for the Anon who asked for a dancer who’s kind of a badass with Biker!Steve. I didn’t write her as an airhead because I don’t feel like Biker!Steve would be with an airhead. He’d need to know that she could protect herself and use her head in case of an attack.

“I don’t really wanna do this you know.” You gripe to your friend and fellow dancer Wanda.

“I know you don’t but he’s gonna love you and that’ll give me and Buck some alone time.” She wiggles an eyebrow at you.

“But what am I supposed to say to him?”

“Words.”

“You’re so funny.” You roll your eyes and slip your favorite black dress on then after tugging your shoes on you follow Wanda out into the strip club parking lot where the two bikers are waiting.

Wanda’s date, Bucky, has his dark hair tied back away from his face and his bright blue eyes light up when he sees Wanda. His best friend and co-leader Steve isn’t hard on the eyes by any means. He has lighter hair than Bucky but you wouldn’t call it blonde, and a beard covering his face his blue eyes seem to see practically to your soul.

“Well, well the two most beautiful women in the world!” Bucky charms causing Wanda to flush before she gives his arm a playful smack. “Hiya Doll, this is my friend Steve.”

“Steve.” You shake his hand.

“Hi Doll.” He’s quiet, but gives you a kind smile.

The four of you walk out of the club and to the two motorcycles. You’ve always been a little apprehensive of the machines, ever since your mom had married your step-dad the sound of a motorcycle roaring down the street hadn’t been a good thing.

You’re so caught up in past memories that you don’t even register the question Steve asks you until Wanda places a hand on your arm.

“You okay?” She asks, concern clouding her eyes.

“Uh, yea I’m fine. I’ve just never been on one before.” You lie easily, you’ve never told anyone but Natasha about your step-father, and technically you hadn’t told her either, she’d guessed.

“I’ll go slow for ya doll.” Steve says softly and you take the helmet with shaking hands. You slide the helmet on, and attempt to buckle it but can’t seem to get your fingers to cooperate. “May I?” Steve asks and you nod so he snaps the strap together. You see him glance over at Bucky and can tell he’s already regretting this double date, he’s stuck with a chicken who can’t even buckle her own helmet.

“I’m sorry.” You mumble not meeting his eyes.

“It’s alright Doll. Why don’t we try havin’ you ride in front of me, so you can see what’s goin’ on?”

“Thank you.”

He’s kind and patient, and you end up really enjoying your time with him, so much so that your first date leads to a second, then a third and suddenly it’s six months later and you’ve come to look forward to the specific roar of Steve’s bike rolling up at the club or your house.

“Let’s go for a ride.” You tell Steve one evening after dinner. You live a surprisingly normal life with the biker royalty.

“I’m so glad you’re not scared of her anymore Doll.” He hums, a smile crossing his face. You realize then you still hadn’t told him why you’d been so anxious that first night so long ago.

“It’s, it’s not that I was ever scared of the bike. Or of you. It’s just,” You take a deep breath and close your eyes tightly before continuing. “My step-father rides a motorcycle, belongs to a club too, and when that thing came down the street late at night it didn’t mean good things. He, he’d come into the house and just lay into my mom, or me, until I turned 18, met Natasha and was hired as one of her dancers. She let me live in the upstairs for a while. But ever since I was a kid the sound of a motorcycle just, put me into a panic.”

“What’s your step-father’s name?”

“Why?”

“Wanna make sure he’s not one of mine.”

“He’s not a Howlie.”

“Doll.” He growls,

“Please don’t make me.” You whisper, the tears pricking your eyes, his face instantly softens.

“I’d never make you do anything Doll. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset.” He soothes. You spend the rest of the evening laying together on the couch, his arms wrapped around you. For a man who has a reputation of being one of the strictest most feared leaders of the bikers, Steve is surprisingly soft and gentle.

It turns out you don’t have to tell Steve who your step-father is. Johan does it for you. He doesn’t even see you when he comes to pay respects to your boyfriend.

“Captain.” You recognize his voice before you see his face and you tense next to Steve who glances at you before acknowledging Johan.

“Schmidt.”

“I hear you’ve gotten yourself an old lady. I’d love to meet her. Must be hell’va woman to peak your interest.”

“She is.” He says before leaning in toward you to block your face from him, “Doll, a word.” He mumbles taking your arm gently and leading you into the office. “Woulda been nice to know your step-father is Schmidt.” He turns on you, looking furious, “You been playing me?”

“What? No! Steve I’d never.” How the hell can he think that of you?

“It makes sense why you wouldn’t want me to have words with him now. You didn’t wanna give away your true alliance.” You stare at him, then you get pissed.

“How dare you.” You hiss, “I told you that story in confidence, I told you that because I trust you. Because I love you and now you’re going to accuse me of working with him?” A slow smile crosses his face, enraging you further. “Why the fuck are you smiling?” You snap.

“You said you love me.”

“Yea, you idiot! I thought that was pretty obvious! Then you make this dumbass comment-“ He covers your mouth with his hand, laughter in his eyes.

“Doll, I just needed to be sure. I’m gonna kiss you now.” He tells you then he does, just a soft kiss reassuring you that he’s on your side. “I love you too.” He whispers, “Now I’m gonna go make Schmidt regret the day he was born. You stay behind me, if things go south get to Natasha’s.”

“Please be careful.” You’ve seen this look in his eye before, it’s not a look you’re able to argue with. Steve nods then turns and stalks out of the office.

Johan is still standing where you left him, schmoozing with Bucky and when he sees Steve coming back he turns his attention once again to the Captain.

“Everything alright?” He asks with a smile, Steve doesn’t answer. Instead he grabs Johan by the throat and slams him into the wall behind him.

“What the hell Steve!” Bucky yells jumping to his feet.

“He’s the man that abused my woman and her mother.” Steve snarls and Bucky instantly shifts to backing his partner up. “The women he swore to protect. He caused them pain!” He roars, “What do you have to say for yourself?”

“She’s a liar. She’s lying to you Captain. Can’t you see that?” Johan says smoothly, of course he’d try some bullshit like this.

“I’m lying?” You practically screech. “Me! I’m lying! This is a fucking joke! Where the fuck did I get the cigarette burns on my neck from then Johan? And how about this?” You pull up the side of your shirt revealing a long, white scar that runs from your waist up to your bra. “When I refused you on my 18th birthday and you threatened to kill me until my mother begged for my life.”

You’ve never seen rage on Steve’s face before now and it honestly scares you for a second. He turns on Johan who sees his lies haven’t worked and he pales under the furious gaze of your boyfriend.

“I should kill you.” Steve snarls, “I should kill you for touching her, for calling her a liar. But she wouldn’t want that. Her mother is now under my protection, you touch her in anger again and even my woman won’t be enough to save you. Do you understand me?” Johan is turning red, Steve is pressing against his throat so hard.

Johan nods, just barely, and Steve lets go. He goes to turn away from Johan, but with an apologetic look at you he turns and slams his fist into Johan’s face.

“Now get the fuck out.” Steve snarls. Johan scurries out of the bar two men following him.

Steve sits back down and tugs you into his lap. The rest of the Howlies are giving him a wide berth, the only one seemingly unaffected by Steve’s outburst is Bucky.

“Thank you.” You mutter before pressing your lips to the pulse point below his ear.

“You’re mine and I’m yours and I protect what’s mine.” He growls, clearly still amped up from his confrontation with Johan.

“I know. Thank you.”

“It’s not necessary. I love you.” He says before sealing his mouth to yours.

[curlyboyholland]

What’s That? [P.P. x Reader] Pt. 3

 A/n: I tried writing some angst and I don’t know how I feel about it. Also, thank you to @softboy-holland for being there to tell me to actually write this shit. Also, this is a soulmate au.

Warnings: Cursing, angst, mentions of abuse, a lot of bruises, um yeah

[Part 1] [Part 2]  Masterlist

Words: 1.9k

Time froze. Your best friend, Peter fucking Parker claims to be your soulmate. If this had happened years ago, before everything started, you would be over the moon with joy. The idea of the amazing boy you’ve grown to love being your soulmate filled every molecule in your body with excitement. But now, you dreaded it. Not because you don’t like him, that isn’t the case at all. It’s because no one needs you as their baggage, especially Peter. Yet, here is the boy you used to dream of marrying, standing right in front of you telling you he thinks you’re soulmates. He doesn’t want you as a soulmate, he can’t. He deserves better than damaged goods.

Life was so cruel. Cruel to you, but especially cruel to Peter Parker. Peter Parker didn’t get breaks from heartache and he was always carrying the world on his shoulders.

You look at Peter, flabbergasted at his accusation. “We just have a black eye at the same time, that doesn’t mean anything. Plus, you decide to tell me this now and in school.” This was not the reaction Peter was expecting. Your soulmate connection was bruising and he can’t see why you won’t believe him. There are 800 million teenagers in the world and you were already a very pessimistic person.

He shrugs. “Well, now I realize this wasn’t the best plan and best time to talk to you about this.”

“How would you even know?”

“A blue bruise under your rib cage, I have one too. I have a purple one on my left side. I can name more.”

“Pete, wh—”

“They’re mine. I can’t explain how I got them right now, but I will. Look, y/n, I realize this is a lot to tell you all at once, but don’t you feel it?”

You hate lying to Peter but now you have to, for his and your sake. “No.” You don’t know what you feel, but it is definitely something and you feel bad for telling him different. .

Did you just ruin everything, or was he the one to ruin everything just now? Who knows at this point. He has the Stark internship all day so you don’t walk together, which is fine by you right now. He needs to be focusing on his own life. Ever since he saw a few of your bruises under your hoodie, he flipped out. At that time, though, he wasn’t even thinking about soulmates but more that you were getting hurt.

What’s even worse, it’s the only family you have left that’s hurting you. You have to come home every day to a shitty stepdad who is usually drunk. Sometimes you get lucky though, and he stays out a lot later. Your phone buzzes as you stop at Delmar’s.

Luke: I’m probably going to be home in the morning, don’t pull any shit

You shove your phone into your back pocket. You hate him so much, it’s unbelievable. Mr. Delmar mentions that Peter came here a few minutes ago but you didn’t have the heart or energy to explain to him why he wasn’t with you. Holding the sandwich in your hand, you walk out of the store so ready for this day to be over. But no, because you’re you and you have your luck.

Even the birds seem to be mocking you, like everything in the world gets to enjoy happiness but you. Well, you just push it away because everyone you care about always goes away and so it’s just better if you don’t care, but your best friends won’t let you leave anytime soon. Your mind replays the moment of you and Peter today over and over again.

“Shit,” you say in frustration as you lower a fist into the air. Many faces turn towards you, but you don’t particularly care. They can kiss your ass because are any of them having a crazy crisis about their best friend possibly being your soulmate in the middle of a street in Queens? Probably not. God, you’re a mess. A cafe is to your right, looking like a good place to get away. You burst in, putting your elbows against a table and your head in your hands.

Breathe.Breathe.Breathe.Breathe

You realize coffee doesn’t particularly go well with your delmar sandwich but you need caffeine. If this had happened a few months ago, you would go to your mom and ask her for advice. But this isn’t a few months ago and life happens. People die and you have to move on with your life and pretend like it never happened. Your whole life is pretending. Just pretending everything is okay and ignoring the constant pain in your chest. Life is a mess, your best friend could be your soulmate and you are getting beat up almost every night by your own step-dad who also occasionally reminds you about the fact that you’re a failure. Lost in your own thoughts, it takes you a moment to notice the woman who taps on your shoulder. Concerned, she mutters, “are you all right darling?” You want to talk to someone, anyone right now but this woman is just being nice and does not want to hear all of your problems.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you ma’am.” She nods, letting you be.

Once you compose yourself somewhat, you head back home. No, it’s not a home, it’s an apartment, one where you will never truly belong. Your home died a few months ago leaving you without a true family but instead with this shitty piece of a man called your stepdad. Slamming the front door shut, you walk into your room and take off your sweatshirt, trying to look at some of your back in the mirror. They are mostly around your ribcage, only some of them being yours. Faint bruises have started to appear all over since school ended and one on the small of your back hasn’t gone away yet. There are several yellow, week old ones on the side of your abdomen reminding you of the pain inflicted on you. If Peter really is your soulmate, how the hell is he getting his bruises? Why is Peter “soft and cuddly” Parker getting hurt almost every night? He couldn’t be your soulmate, the world wouldn’t do that to you; make you see broken love and then you are expected to be open to the idea? No, that’s unfair to both of you. He deserves happiness and love and you can’t open yourself up to someone that much; putting all your faith into one person and hoping they stay. Your dad left, you lost your mom, if something ever happened to your soulmate, especially Peter, your heart would break with whatever there is left to break. You let out a soft sob as you fall to the floor, head in hands. You’re okay. Calm down. You’re okay. Calm down.

But you’re not okay, and you don’t think you ever will be. You don’t think you can ever get over the memories of your dad packing a suitcase or your mom squeezing your hand one last time. But you need to figure out how to. To your surprise, your phone buzzes.

Peter: Meet me on your rooftop in 15 minutes

You: Why

Peter: I need to tell you something

You: What could you possibly need to tell me that would require us being on a rooftop

Peter: Well, since you won’t allow me into your apartment, I mean

You: Fine, fine

You: It’s raining now

You: I’ll tell you my apartment number please just come down

You: 36D

Peter: Okay, it will be a bit longer then

Later, a soaked Peter Parker rings your doorbell. You let out a chuckle at the fact that for some reason he is at your door, drenched and dopey. You let him in and tell him not to sit on anything before until you can get him a towel.

“Pete, what could you possibly need to talk about that you come over to my apartment when it’s raining? Is this more about the soulmate stuff?”

“No, no, it’s about something else.” You raise an eyebrow in suspicion.

Tensely, you say “Peter, please.”

You throw him a towel and a t-shirt you’ve stolen from him so he isn’t cold and wet. You were not expecting him to change shirts here, in your living room. He pulls his shirt up and you realize you exhale a breath you didn’t know you were even holding in. His abs are defined, but you are very about confused how he got them because he doesn’t work out. At all. Yellow and blue bruises are spread across his torso, matching yours. The reality of the situation sinks in and you let out a soft sob.

He walks over to you, not trying to argue his case. Somehow, even when he is wet, his body lets off a warm and soothing feeling. This Peter did not look as much like a boy that you were used to. He pulls you into his chest and runs his fingers through your hair. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

“Don’t you dare apologize for anything. What are you sorry for?” He doesn’t understand why you are apologizing because he knows you are smart and you have clearly made the connection between your bruises, figuring out the two of you are soulmates.

“I’m sorry that it’s me. I’m sorry you’re stuck with me. I’m sorry that I’m so broken. I’m especially sorry because I don’t want a soulmate.”

He looks like a dagger pierced him but he’s trying to hide the pain. He takes a deep inhale, trying to calm himself because he absolutely adores you and you don’t see it. He swallows. “Um, okay, can I ask why?”

You look at him with sad eyes and that hurts him even more. “I just, I’m too much for people. I’m too much baggage to look after and you don’t need that.”

“You’re not baggage. Don’t even think like that.”

“Be realistic Peter.”

“Okay, fine. But just know I need you, I’ll go,” you sigh heavily. Part of you wants to scream to him to come back and to take care of you, but you can’t get the words out of your mouth. The slam of the door makes every part of your body give out, causing you to collapse, sobbing once again. “Dammit.”

The next day, neither of you had any new bruises, which was good. You aren’t trying to ignore Peter but he’s ignoring you. But can you really blame him; you hurt him really bad. That was the last thing you would want to happen, are you being selfish? You didn’t want to love him just because you didn’t want to lose him. What kind of fucked up logic is that?

You were “sick” the rest of the week, too weak, tired, and sore.

Peter has been ignoring you all week, and of course he was concerned when you didn’t turn up to school. But life goes on, well, it has to. During world history, there was an open seat next to him because the class was somewhat small. It wasn’t until a girl in all black with platinum hair that made him somewhat interested in this class. He needs to get over you so he didn’t feel so guilty being attracted to this girl.

“This is our new student, Felicia Hardy.”

@cutie1365  @esoltis280 @awetom @falseosterhollandfantasies @suit-lady@goodnightbuckybarnes @come-on-peter @screamholland @tomsfireheart @clontbarton @fandomdarlings @letmereid @tshollandlove @sebass-stanfan @bubbaholland @parkswebslinger @yuckybucky @tomholland-can-like-get-it @parkerpunology @frecklesparker

[theunderdogwrites]

Ghislaine Maxwell: Co-Conspirator or Victim?

There are a few things in this world that gross me out to my very core:

-          Children eating ice cream. Just no. More gets on their face than in their mouths and it activates my gag reflex and I must look away in horror. And someone get the hose because I am not touching any of it come clean up time.

-          Feet.  There are no words

-          Bestial older men who terrorize young women and under-age girls with sex and those who help them engage in lascivious behavior. Should this not be something that disgusts everyone?

My zodiac sign pegs me as more of a leader than a follower. I find this laughable, but some around me might argue that I am capable of taking the reigns, but not always the best at adhering to authority exerted by others. If I am challenging you for your position, it’s because you’re either a bully or a fucking senseless shitbag and I don’t want those around you subjected to your vast lack of insight. Because in reality, I am super happy to follow intelligent, respectful human beings and even behave myself. It means I can just smile and nod and day dream – my favorite pastime.

If you are not familiar with the name Ghislaine Maxwell, I still hope you cringe at the name Jeffery Epstein. Convicted sex offender and all-around sack of malevolent slime. Also, a coward. Also, unfortunately dead (either by his own hand *I don’t believe it* or snuffed out by some frightened people of great power *I believe this*) before he was able to be made someone’s bitch in prison. Such a tragedy when sex offenders / sex traffickers don’t live long enough in prison to be passed around and used like a cum dumpster. Sometimes the punishment SHOULD fit the crime.

There is plenty of information out there about Ghislaine Maxwell. Here are a few key points on her:

-          Her father was Robert Maxwell. He was a British media proprietor, a former member of Parliament (MP), a suspected spy, and a fraudster (having misappropriated the pension funds of his employees). Just to give you a good idea of who Robert Maxwell was: he was the inspiration for the villainous media baron Elliot Carver in the 1997 James Bond film Tomorrow Never Dies. I. Am. Jealous!

 -          Her father died in November 1991. He had boarded his 190-foot yacht, aptly name, Lady Ghislaine and found the next morning naked, spread-eagled and afloat in the Atlantic. Two autopsies could not conclusively prove a cause of death, but most say suicide because he was set to answer questions surrounding his corporation’s billion-pound debt load that was distributed among at least nine different international banks and investment firms, and the massive hole in its pension reserves. In simpler terms – he was fucked

 -          Robert Maxwell left his family in ruins. Ghislaine, his favorite child whom he groomed in his image from a young age, was understandably crushed

  -          Ghislaine is best known for being a socialite with immense connections among the international elite. It’s been stated that she was quite personable, a little bit quirky and therefore often a standout at parties; with many people being drawn to her. (Side note: I recently watched the HBO documentary on her titled, ‘Epstein’s Shadow’ and the tagline under ALL of the people they interviewed who knew her on a social level read, “former friend of Ghislaine Maxwell”. This just made me laugh. I’ve tried to envision the conversation where these people demanded that FORMER be included. Yes, quickly distance yourself from the stink less they think you too might smell bad)

  -          Depending on who you listen to, Ghislaine met Epstein in either the late 1980’s when her father introduced them (how apropos) or in the late 1990’s at a party in New York following a difficult breakup with a Count. I wonder what breaking up with a Count looks like, feels like. A Count is a historical title of nobility in certain European countries, generally of average rank in the hierarchy of nobility. So basically, he’s not THAT special. But probably feels he is because, well, he has a title. Just imagine the insult you could hurl at him during the break-up: “Count von Count has a bigger penis than you!” *If you do not know who that is – just leave now because you’re shameful*.

 -          Epstein and Maxwell started out as a couple, but that morphed into more of a companionship / friendship / let’s rape young girls together type situation. You know, how most connections organically evolve.

 -          Ghislaine Maxwell has been accused of befriending minors and attempting to build a relationship with them, then later delivering them to Jeffrey Epstein to abuse. Maxwell would allegedly lure the young girls to Epstein’s residence under the guise of paid massage work. She’d target disadvantaged minors who she thought wouldn’t be able to refuse the money. Maxwell & Epstein allegedly lured slightly older women into their gross lives with the promise to assist in their careers.

 -          Additionally, Maxwell and Epstein have been accused of trafficking some of these girls out to their friends and associates among their extremely elite circle. Most notably, is Prince Andrew. Investigators have identified as many as 36 girls that were victims of Epstein and Maxwell’s sex trafficking ring. Some of them - as young as 14. It’s believed there are many more victims yet to be identified.

 -          Following Epstein’s arrest in July 2019, the FBI started looking for Ghislaine. She went into hiding. Eleven months after Epstein’s “suicide” in prison on August 10, 2019, Maxwell was located. She was arrested in New Hampshire, where she was living a life of seclusion on a sprawling ranch.

 -          Ghislaine Maxwell faces federal charges including transporting a minor for the purposes of criminal sexual activity, and conspiring to entice minors to travel and engage in illegal sex acts. She is awaiting trial in a Manhattan jail. A trial that was to begin July 12, 2021 but has been delayed till the fall at the request of Maxwell.

 You now know all you need to know about Ghislaine Maxwell for the purposes of finishing this piece.

The HBO documentary poised a question and instead of answering it, they’ve pretty much left this viewer with repetitive thoughts and disrupted sleep while trying to answer that very question… ‘Ghislaine Maxwell, Co-Conspirator or Victim?’.

Victim: a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency / a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency

My first thought when this question came up: “Wow HBO, if I was a victim of Epstein’s depravity, I’d be so pissed at you right now. Daring to group in the woman accused (several times over) of basically being a fancy pimp and securing playthings for her rich, giant-faced brute and his pals, with the young women whose lives and brain chemistry (yes, I said that: see TRAUMA) have been forever altered by Epstein’s fuckery… BOLD”.

But that thought took me to this thought: “Ghislaine was a Daddy’s girl. And as we know, her dad was a fiend. It is repeated many times in print, that Robert Maxwell conditioned his daughter and corrupted her character. In some twisted way, there might be a case in which she is in fact, a victim. A victim of a severe patriarchal environment that started at a young age and was instrumental in forming her concepts of success, decency and love (given and received)”.

My mind then went straight to this:

 She was raised by a plump, rotten human being and most likely, wanted to please her dad… as most daughters often do, and perhaps never thought to question anything. How many of us are guilty of that?

Robert Maxwell passes (Ghislaine has maintained that he was murdered, but with no evidence to support her claims) and the now lost, without a compass Ghislaine, finds her way to Jeffery Epstein.

I think there is something to be said for what and who we attract into our lives. And for what and who we allow to stay in our lives. I’m just going to assume that the majority of people in this world do not willingly desire to attract destructive, soul sucking wankers into their lives, but have had to expunge a number of them from their existence. Full vision doesn’t always mean you are not blind. Love can be murky and really fuck up those rose-coloured glasses.

Co-Conspirator: A co-conspirator is a fellow conspirator - someone engaged in a secret plan by multiple people to do something evil or illegal

By this definition, Ghislaine Maxwell should be spending a great deal of the rest of her life in prison.

She saw bad stuff. She blinded herself to bad stuff. She facilitated bad stuff. She became the bad stuff.

If I was the prosecuting attorney, I might end with those four sentences. But make it all dramatic… throw in a brief pause after each one… maybe do the Bill Clinton “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” thumb gesture:

 On second thought, considering how intertwined he could be in all of this… I’d most likely just use the classier karate chop into the open palm to bring my points home:

 (Side Note: if you really hate your life, try a deep dive on active hand gestures and how they often provide social leverage)

 So, to finally answer HBO’s question: ‘Ghislaine Maxwell, Co-Conspirator or Victim?’…

As I was told numerous times in counselling… “You are not at fault for the things that happened to you when you were young and had no control. But as an adult, you can’t let those past experiences define you and your actions. If you do, then you are responsible for the things you do now”.

Fault is past tense. Responsibility is present tense.

Ghislaine is not at fault for how she was raised or groomed, but if she lured just ONE girl/woman into Epstein’s clutches to be raped and trafficked, then she is absolutely responsible and should be held fully accountable.

She was a victim who turned into not just a co-conspirator but also a lying coward.

I believe ALL the women.

[mouser26]

Update of the Drama

TLDR: A long update on the last 3-4weeks. Short is the drama is at a 15 outa 10 but hey the apartment above me is opening up to be rented at the end of the month

Well things have gotten better and worse in that the assclown FINALLY realized (ie a judge told him) if the restraining order becomes permanent then he loses all chances at getting custody of my neice. He uses his one continuence so instead of the Restraining order being pemanent as of August27th we have to wait till Sept 10th.  This caused him to crank it to 11 on the harrassment. He tried to get restraining orders against both of Jay’s brothers on behalf of an address and child he is currently restained against (both were denied due to the current pending RO) * He has sent countless more obnoxious text messages even begging Jay to drop the RO and that he wants 50/50 weekly custody. He’s living in the car last he claimed. He turned abusive when she said no. To my face Jay said “Dude’s been 5150′d like fuck he’s getting 50% of anything let alone my kid” Not gonna lie I laughed cause fuckin’ mood.

He even called the cops/CPS claiming my neice is being molested by her Uncle/babysitter. Because Jay didn’t answer his demands to speak to my niece in under an hour. (she was at the lawyer’s)  Oh boy were the cops PISSED when they found out the situation. They do NOT like being used to harrass people. *Also back to the attempted restraining orders against the brothers? They got pissed at Jay about it. They blamed HER. Meanwhile I apparently have the mind of a fucked up manipulative buttmokey cause not only did I see that piss poor attempt coming from near day one...I am still genuinely fucking suprised he has not tried to take some action against me. Till I realized if he had he had no way to have me served. He doesn’t have my last name, or my address, and I legit have not lived in town long enough for him to even make something up.

Basicly this guy is making evidence against himself. It’s annoying and stressful but oh my god is it USEFUL.

ANYWAYS this whole kerfuckle led to $200 being paid to Jay’s lawyer to get everything filed to the judge showing this waste of carbon is an abusive, unstable, fill in the blanks here.

Seriously guys 131 pages of abusive text messages of him calling Jay every name in the book, claiming she’s selfish for kicking his tweaker friends out when he’s not hom, admitting to doing drugs, lying about doing drugs, “Boohoo my feelings are hurt you’re so mean”  just....I feel my printer deserves a bottle of Everclear after all that.

Thing is that $200 that was supposed to go to fixing/registering a total junker so Jay would be able to get to and from work (she’s currently relying on me, her (abusive) older brother, or lyft) 

Now I have mentioned her YOUNGER brother before, and while he’s not winning any prizes for brains he is at least trying to help(ish) and with this latest cop visit seems to have finally realized “Oh wait this is all that fucknut’s fault NOT my sister’s.” and is on board with not being a dick. The elder brother  we’ll call him Asshat is as bad if not worse than the ejected pain in the ass. Because he now thinks with one abusive asshole gone here’s a vacancy to move in make demands and be...well the abusive asshole. He’s also been trying to ‘help by stiring up shit with EVERYONE. Telling druggie’s that basicly Jay and my neice are home ‘alone’ with whatever drug paraphilalia was left when Drugged&Dumb was thrown out. Even making statements like “How dare that asshole make accusations about me! I don’t care if Jay loses her kid I’ll show him”  

Jay has sadly been putting up with this cause I’m not always able to drive her and lyft fucking adds up. 

Well if I can metaphoricly kneecap one problem I can second verse same as the first this one.

Last night I sent Jay a loan (to be paid back once this all over, and only because she won’t let me give her the money) this is to cover any other surprise bills, lyft. car repairs, whatever. This morning Asshat show’s up and starts being his usual dickish self while Jay is trying to do her job remotely. SHe confronts him immediately after about his attitude and language in front of my niece. He tells her to “Go fuck yourself.” She tells him to get the fuck out and locks the door behind him.

Guys I was/am so fucking proud of her.  I told her so when I had to pick her up from work. 

ANd then when I got home today it was to a note from my mother “Hey the apartment above you will be avalible starting next month if you know anyone looking.” The apartment is 2bed/1bath+ laundry+water and trash for $925 Jay currently pays $950 for just the 2 bedroom house she’s in with NONE of those things

Plus my step-Dad is the property manager and used to working with people with absolutely shit credit like straight up “Didn’t know your score could be negative” credit We’ve got our fingers crossed.

[b--zus-blog]

MERCURY MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON MY SIDE PART 3 CONT.

         Welcome back for Part 3 continuing. I mentioned that this will be the most emotional part for me, since I am going to bang out 2 instances, where parts of my soul were being murdered brutally. Please know that I am writing this by the pool side, so at least if I cry, I can hop in a jacuzzi right afterwards. I have tucked away this person who I was, she’s folded up nicely in a dark corner of my brain where I can let her rest for a bit. Who I am now is taking over.

           I left off with my aunt Tulip getting me from the precinct. To rewind a little bit, I was still waiting for her, and when I got my phone back I still had a little juice to update my friends in the group chat. SweetNest, told me she contacted Lucifer, and I saw their conversation on messenger. SweetNest asked him if he had heard from me, and he responded so fucking nasty to her. “Sorry everyone from her side is going to get shit from me . . . we are going to put a restraining order on her. . . she kicked down the door and maced our roommate now she is in the hospital. . . idk I am going to check on b . . . my lawyer advises me not to talk to her party . . .”

       SweetNest responds “ I don’t think Beez would use mace for no reason (she repeated this 3 times) . . . Can I get your lawyers information? “ (yeah douche bag we know you’re lying and most likely did not talk to a fucking lawyer.) - - - Reading the text messages - I wish I had the screen shots, but then again I glad I don’t, because reading what he was saying felt like a shot to the face. How dare Lucifer, make me sound so violent, so fucking scary like I’m a fucking monster when I was trying to defend myself because he didn’t want to protect me. I  have been with Lucifer for 5 years, 3 of which we lived together and 1 where we were exes. Living with an ex is the most draining shit of your life, especially when you are such good partners. We have shared many laughs, many experiences, many ups, and downs . . . for him to pretend like he didn’t know me. To try to depict an image of me which is not true. I am most likely guilty of the same, as I saw him as a King. I looked at him and thought he was soo handsome, intelligent and strong. The way he was telling SweetNest about me was so dreadful and I finally had to release a secret, I never wanted to admit.

     Tulip finally showed up, and in between our conversations and the fucking cop who put his number in my phone passing by and she thought he was hot, which he was but still a fucking douche. I look up to the ceiling trying to tilt my tears back inside my eyeballs, and trying so hard to swallow this lump in my throat to say  “Tulip, I am finally going to admit this, Lucifer has hit me, one of the main reasons he moved back is because our last fight he punched me in the stomach. He has choked me, and the last time he choked me he whispered in my ear,‘You have lived a good 25 yrs of life’. It wasn’t the first time he has done that.

     Let me take you to the past a little bit where I was born because it could have potentially saved my mother and biological fathers relationship. So already being brought into this world with not proper intentions. God only knows what my mom was going through while I was in the womb (which I totally believe affects a babies soul) Do I believe I was a love baby? Absolutely fucking not, my father was an abusive alcoholic cunt who did coke too, probably and most likely other things as well. I have dealt with his abuse on top of my mothers. Maybe it was because I looked like the fucker burnt to a crisp with curly hair, but as I was growing up, whenever I would get punished even as I got older my mom would punch me in the head a lot, my dad liked the belt. At least everyday I can remember just getting fucking whipped or pounded on by a fist. EVERYDAY, I was doing something wrong, I felt unwanted, why was I not dying yet, why was my body always fighting the pain. I could never cry about it either, I had to stay tough. I still loved though, I saw this documentary on Vice about shelters(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUfNbNBFwRI) and this home less girl says “If you hit me or you hurt me, I forgot and forgave you just like that, I don’t understand judgmental people, I don’t understand at all, like I think they are dumb, like they don’t know how to solve a problem.” I fucking broke. Because I did that, and thought exactly the same,I still loved my mom, I still loved my dad, and every other person who has hit me in between my life. It was normal no?  I thought by the time I was 16, I was understanding what abuse was, and how it worked, I was starting to feel resentment so I mentally killed off my biological father who left our life anyway when my mom finally divorced him after 9/11 My mother and I are in a better spot, sort of. She has her demons that she refuses to face. After what we went through, I thought I would NEVER be with a man who hits me. & here I was forgiving, and still loving the fuck out of Lucifer, because I still believed he loved me too.

       Our relationship started off. . . amazing, we connected, had to fall out due to differences in what I wanted and what I saw him as, but we still reconnected. Effortlessly too might I add,  I didn’t even see him as a potential partner at first, if anything we were just a casual fling, and then I kinda wanted it to end because I was ready for something serious so I need to take a break to figure out what I wanted. Instead of what I actually thought it was, him choosing me and him coming to me ! He would buy me things show up and make plans, he was making it adamant that he wanted to be with me. Even after our first big fight, when I first cried in front of him, actually holding it back because he got me so angry, he didn’t want to leave, and then he finally left. He still kept coming back to me, and my life and honestly I was fighting it because I didn’t know if I wanted him either, but the more he showed interest in me, the more I genuinely felt he wanted to be with me. We would argue but he made up for it 20x better, he would take me shopping, treat me like a Queen, massage my feet, support me, motivate me and this was the person I was falling in love with. . As time went on he admitted that it felt like me talking to him about what I wanted and how we should cut something that isn’t real was an ultimatum. . . fucker what? I have always been honest with my intentions.  I felt so awful because I thought everything was REAL.  Till little by little he was doing and saying things that were disrespectful , getting away with gas lighting, and knowing what tactics and my weaknesses  that would trigger me into doing annoying , corny fucked up girl shit, Maybe in another blog I will mention how and what lead to the abuse, whats types, and how his Jekyll and Hyde personas were just , making me look at myself in the mirror and be like “Who the fuck is this person?”

        So back to admitting to my aunt what has / was happening and I don’t know why Lucifer is making this so fucking miserable for me. My arresting officer told me to see this lady in the office precinct, after I told him I still need to get my stuff, at least in peace. This lady was actually so fucking rude to me and tried to accuse me of “oh you just want to do this for retaliation” I got up and just fucking left. My aunt actually turned me around, then the lady was like “You see if she didn’t have that attitude I could let her know how to do a Order of Protection” - sick bitch. Heres the thing, it still isn’t her fault she spoke to me that way, playing mental mind games, it’s the criminal justice systems fault, believe that. I was talking to the cops for an hour trying to explain to them this whole mess, they told me to call the cops when I get home to get my shit, so I could get 20 minutes to an hr to get my shit. Tulip, and Tulips friend Alex ( who was actually besties with my biological father) and I waited a good hr and 1/2 outside the apartment, my aunt agreed she could take some things to her place. The cops finally show up and then when they get here my aunt speaks to them and the cop looks at me rolls his eyes, and says “Yeah I remember her.” I went so close to the car looking at this fuckers face, to recognize him as one of the cops that I called the first time, the one I thought earlier hit his wife too. -  the way he was talking to the two older ladies I mentioned in part 1 ? Or 2? I forget. Mother fucker here we go, he tells my aunt how I am uncooperative and shit, and once again I CALLED THE COPS, for them to make me feel like a fucking moron for doing so. I open the door, it reaks of weed,  and three stuffed black trash bags are full of my things, Diana goes into the other room and gets the TV. The crackheads are cracked out and shook. Lucifer then walks in “Um hello excuse me, thats my fucking TV” I look at him. The king that I saw in him, the man that I thought one day is going to be one of the most successful men I know, was replaced by a high asshole, who looked musty and miserable as fuck. I saw and only felt his hate, I had to stay quite as I could pack as much shit as I could into a sedan.  He was trying to portray me as a burglar, a robber and he spoke to my aunt, who has taken him in as well in her own home like she was garbage. “Why are you even here this has nothing to do with you!?” The crackheads and the cops were watching them go back and forth in the kitchen until he tried to tell my aunt to shutup - she responds back with “I CAN SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GONNA CHOKE ME!” Wither 5 foot nothing self. He said “Choke who, who’s been choked!?” She confronted him about the bruises she has seen on me and how she didn’t call the cops either. Then he finally shut up and she told the cops on how he told me to come back the other day, then tries to say I’m a robber ! “Fucking manipulative shit, abusive men like you do!” Surprisingly for a minute moment the cops were on my side about things, telling Lucifer that he wasn’t even here when I called them the first time. B I know for a fact was jealous that I did have my aunt who was fighting for me, and I know she felt the sting that I am fucking loved while she feels at her loneliness, and can’t even fight for herself - even with her Shrek physique.

     When I finally had shit packed up still not everything, my books, my dresser filled with clothes, paper work, shoes were still left there. So I had to make one more fucking trip and I hated knowing I had to come back. Meanwhile, Lucifer just looks at me, from the door in between the lions that protected the door while I was  in the back of the car, he was waving good bye and smiling, proud that he destroyed me. I tilt my head forward putting my palms to my eyes, elbows to knees and just cried, releasing everything, feeling like a broken angel being taunted by demons dancing around me in a circle. Alex told me in Spaish, to just scream, it’s ok. “Quedate Fuerte.”

My aunt told me , to never forget that image of him, I want to , but I will never forget how that moment made me feel.

Stay tuned for Part 4 I thought I could bang out the second time I had to come across Lucifer, and officially the last time. For this article, I would like you to recognize anyone you think is being abused. May it be within a relationship, romantic, family, friend ANYTHING, don’t judge them. Learn from them, and if you can, help them.

Thank you Tulip, Thank you Alex.

In no way shape or form am I trying to retaliate against Lucifer. I honestly would have kept this secret forever if I could, I would have buried a body with him if it ever came to it,  but I never thought it could have been mine. We were an amazing team at one point, and I can only wish him and his family well. Because I know from experience, that revenge isn’t worth it, I am not perfect, and that God is the one who equipped me strength, that make my ways blameless... 

[v-ent]

pt1. of mom do you think my mom is abusive? i had a diary where i wrote about how my dad sexually abused me&she read it and confronted me about it saying i was lying about it&banned me from keeping a journal for a while. that was like a year ago she broke up with him they dont speak anymore and i think maybe she does believe me?she accused him of "hurting me" but she never says anything outright. we had a fight recently and she said she was tired of me&gonna make me stay with him.

pt2/end of mom is this emotional abuse?my mom has never hit me but she used him to scare me and that seems wrong but i don't know. she's recently started to be a good mom again and she got rid of him because of me i think so i feel bad accusing her of abuse but she does bring him up, she's never threatened me with him before but she has brought up some details, even graphic ones i wrote about in my journal & used to kinda mock me with them, calling me gross and dramatic and stuff.Oof this is abuse, yes. That scare tactic is unbelievably disgusting. And fills me with rage. My mother did this to me too, which is why I'm especially angry. It's fucked up, you deserve to have love thrown at you, not your own trauma. She is only making it that much harder for you to cope and heal and that's not okay. You are not gross or dramatic and it is fucking horrible that she dare threaten you with sendin you to live with him. I am so angry !! That's not okay. At all. You have nothing to feel bad about. A lot of times when we have a parent who makes us feel extremely awful & we start to question of it's abuse, the secondthe parent becomes "good" we immediately question everything and feel extreme guilt for even thinking it. And a lot of times it is bc of the parents comments, for example my mom would constantly remind me of all the good she would do for me so I would integrate that whenever she was being abusive and then Doubt that it was abuse. You deserve better. I'm so sorry. But yes this is abuse and it's sickening and I love you -han