#she isnt just Some Kid and tbh calling her a kid in general rubs us the wrong way if only because of how much baggage she has attached

[softforcal]

I just read both your poly!5sos and Cal pregnancy and my heart has melted 😭💕 and since I've been in an Ashton mood for the past week can you do one for him please?

ASHTON X PREGNANT READER (bonus proposal)

(Cal) (Luke) (Poly) (Michael)

-((((Also side note: i wasn’t going to post today but its @irwinkitten‘s birthday tomorrow (in a few hours her time) and i adore her so i wanted to kick off her birthday with something soft to show how much she means to me. Love you Laura. now fucking die hoe. )))

-this boy wants babies

-lots of em

-the two of you have been together for over a year and it’s definitely something you’ve talked about

-but he’s really busy with Youngblood and other stuff so it never really gets to be the right time

-you’re on tour with him and there’s about a month left and you’re having EXTREME baby fever because there are adorable children everywhere in the city you’re in

-like. an unusual amount of children

-or maybe you’re just noticing because it’s something thats on your mind

-regardless. your heart is soft as fuck.

-Ash is getting ready to go on stage and he notices you’re being kinda weird, “what’s up babe?” he asks

-”thinking about kids.” you sigh

-he stops what he’s doing and looks at you

-”oh yeah?”

-”yeah. i mean. your tour’s almost over and… i mean… if we wanted to start building a family… now might be a good time.” you shrug, “but no pressure, i mean you still have your career to think about-” he cuts you off with a kiss

-”we’ll talk about this when the show’s over, i promise.” he says, kissing your forehead before going to join the boys and go on stage

-you watch the show and surprisingly, getting pregnant isnt huge on your mind. it doesn’t really worry you. you know it’s something Ashton wants and now that you want it, you have no doubt that it will work out.

-the show ends and you wait in a back room for Ashton

-he comes off stage and is all sweaty and gorgeous and he just grabs you, “where are we going?” you ask as he pulls you towards a back dressing room, closing the door and locking it

-he kisses you, “you said you want a baby right?”

-”yeah?”

-”so stop asking questions and let daddy work.”

-’daddy’ has always used in the bedroom but OOF having baby fever while hearing it is wild

-Ashton always goes hard and this is no different

-you’ve never really done breeding kink before or really talked about pregnancy during sex and all of the sudden Ashton is like “you want me to fill you up Princess?” “going to pump a fucking baby into you.” and he’s going DEEP AF because like… better for making babies right?

-there’s probably not any real logic to that but whatever fam

-he hitting those spots is all i’m saying

-you both finish and he just stays inside of your for a bit, kissing you and being super soft

-but unlike other times with condoms, now there’s a bit of a mess (its the fucking worst) so he helps clean you up and is still super soft about it

-going back to the hotel you’re staying at for the night and he’s already down to go again

-once in the bedroom, then in the shower, then in the bedroom again, and then again in the shower and by the time you get to the bedroom again you’re like ‘please let me sleep’ and he just laughs and pulls you to his chest

-cuddling and talking about baby names

-talking about starting a family

-he’s been ready for a while but was waiting for you because it was obvious he was always down

-talking about whether you want a baby girl or boy first

-talking about how many kids you want

-just fully having an idea of the life you both want together

-you continue on tour and you have a general idea of when you’re period should come

-two weeks of really great sex all the time

-being in so many different cities and countries because you’re at the end of tour that days just start whipping by and then one day Ashton tosses you a pregnancy test because THIS GUY has a period app on his phone for you because he’s THAT FUCKING BOYFRIEND.

-”why do you have a period app for me?” “so i know when i have to go buy you chocolate. do you think i just magically have chocolate every time you get a craving?”

-what a sweetheart

-so you’re in a hotel for the night and you go pee on the stick and wait

-Ashton orders room service so that no matter what, you have comfort food to eat after the results

-”i’m afraid to look.” you groan. oddly enough he is too.

-so he calls Calum and is like “you need to get over here.” so Calum shows up and is like “what the fuck do you two animals want?” and Ashton is like “go look in the bathroom.”

-and Calum is hesitant as fuck, “if there’s a dead body in there? i hope you know Best Friend is just a song.” but he reluctantly goes inside, “did you pee on this?!” he calls back.

-”is she pregnant or not mate?!” Ashton yells.

-”yeah. she pregnant.” Calum states.

-Ashton immediately hugs you tight and after a few moments another pair of arms goes around you and Ashton and Calum is just like, “this makes me the godfather right?” “yes but don’t tell Michael. he’s going to be pissed.”

-”so… you can go now Cal.” “fuck, right, sorry.”

-once he’s gone you and Ashton just kiss and cuddle and are super fucking happy

-a few minutes later there’s knocking at your door. its Luke and Michael and they’re both like “i knew you two were fucking ever more often than normal!” “why didn’t you tell us you were trying to get pregnant!?”

-”a lots been going on mate.” Ashton shrugs. and it’s true. they’ve been really busy. besides, neither of you wanted to get your hopes up about it because for some couples it takes a long time to get pregnant

-so Luke and Michael hang out for a bit, Calum stops by to apologize for immediately throwing you two under the bus and telling Michael and Luke and then he goes, “you’ll forgive me, i’m the godfather.” and Michael freaks out

-Ashton ushering them all out of the room for alone time with you

-of course cuddling leads to sex

-he’s being a bit more gentle and you moan “daddy” and he just stops. pulls out and sits down with his head in his hands like “you can’t call me that anymore.” and he’s so distraught about it

-can you imagine. like. one of his main kinks. just out the door. because now it has to actually be used because he’s going to be a dad

-you rub at his shoulders and are just like… “sir?”

-yup that gets him going again with a laugh

-i mean, it’s nothing compared to ‘daddy’ but it will have to do

-the tour continues and it’s the second last show and as it ends, the boys are like “we have one last song for you.” and they start singing you and Ashton’s couple song and he straight up proposes to you on stage

-”i wanted to do this at the last concert but that’s Michael’s birthday so i didn’t think i could do him dirty like that,” Ashton teases as he gets down on a knee, “will you marry me?”

-of course you say yes

-its really sweet and cute and the fandom is shooketh

-they have their last concert and then everyone heads back to LA

-your first day back, Ashton is already planning the baby room because he’s so excited

-he’s just running around and he’s so cute getting worried about sharp corners and stuff like that and it’s just like “Ashton. we have time. i’m not even showing yet.”

-he’s just so excited to be getting married to you AND having a baby

-cuddles that calm him down but he gets excited and starts planning again

-having a small engagement party and announcing to close family and friends that you’re also pregnant

-so, everyone knows you’re engaged because of his very public proposal but Ashton decides to make a post for his insta to officially celebrate, he chooses a picture of you drinking a sparkling drink at your engagement party, ring showing

-he writes a long ass post about finding the love of his life and starting a new chapter and how excited he is, but he also states something along the lines of “and don’t worry, the drink is non alcoholic ;)”

-like the doesn’t explicitly state you’re pregnant but of course there would only be one fucking reason you can’t drink anymore

-the fandom is once more: shook

-now that you’re back in LA he has a lot of time to spend with you when he’s not working on the new album

-and he is an absolute spoiler

-like, as soon as you have any craving for food, he’s getting it for you

-because “you’re eating for two now Sweetheart.”

-going to your ultrasound and you decide to not know the gender of the baby (tbh, i do this every time because i wanna leave it up to the reader;)

-but the baby is strong and healthy and Ashton has tears in his eyes

-your bump begins to show and he adores it so much because “that’s my baby in there.” “our baby.” “nope, pretty sure i’m the only parent here.”

-what a teasing fuck

-he’s way softer with sex though, that would be for sure

-lots more cockwarming

-he straight up talks to the baby while he’s inside you and it’s like… “Ashton what the fuck.”

-”fuck, we can’t swear anymore. shit. i’m going to be such a bad fucking father.”

-assuring him that he’ll be a great dad

-he would totally hire someone to make the baby room perfect. i just see him as the guy that wants everything 10/10

-as it gets closer to your due date he religiously baby proofs the entire house

-he has the hospital on speed dial

-as its coming down to your due date this boy can’t sleep

-like. he is super stressed out and excited

-the boys being there for you two because this is a BIG deal

-he would adore cuddling next to your stomach and talking to the baby

-tapping gently on your stomach to show drum beats

-Ashton doesn’t even want you to leave the house without him incase somehow you get in trouble or need him and he’s not there

-can you imagine being a bit of a rebellious girlfriend and going for a walk while he’s still asleep and your water breaks so you call him and he’s like “Y/N, what the fuck, where are you?” and you’re just like “yeah… so i went for a walk and i’m fine, but like…. my water broke.” and he’s just like “fucking classic. of fucking course this would happen.”

-he comes and picks you up from wherever you are (probably like a block away from the house or some shit because classic) and he looks like shit cuz he’s exhausted and in a hoodie and sweats but he still managed to grab the hospital bag for the birth

-part of him wants to drive with both hands on the wheel to be safe

-but part of him wants to hold your hand so you can squeeze it while you have contractions

-but part of him wants his hand on your belly

-so probably a lot of him doing all three and you being like “hands on the wheel Ashton!” “we’re at a red light i can touch-” “Ashton it’s green now!”

-getting to the hospital and he doesn’t even get a wheel chair he just carries you because fuck that

-he’s super nervous and everyone can tell

-the boys show up and calm him down a bit

-”i cant believe this is fucking happening. oh my god. what if this is the last time i can swear? fuck. fuck. Y/N i fucking love you so fucking much holy shit.”

-”Ashton. calm down.”

-”what if im a terrible father.”

-”then i’ll divorce you and run away with Calum.”

-this earns a glare then a laugh and Calum’s just like “as the godfather, i can say that I one hundred percent would support that decision Y/N.”

-you all get Ashton to calm down and he holds your hand the entire time

-he would be such a great dad holy shit.

[lizziebennet]

Order of favorite to least favorite Harry Potter movies and why? :)

i love getting questions like this!!! 

1. HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN 

this movie is the Official™ best harry potter movie. director alfonso cuaron (who would later go on to win a best director oscar for gravity) completely elevated the series from chris columbus’ movies that were obviously aimed towards children. cuaron took the source material seriously and gave us a well-crafted, well-directed, and pretty faithful harry potter movie. PoA isnt my fave book – not even close to my fave actually but this is both the best movie cinematically and the adaptation that is most enjoyable to watch over and over and over again. there are some sticky moments tho: dan’s acting in the infamous “HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!!” scene, the opening scene not making any sense .. at all…,  the character of dumbledore just… in general, the introduction of ron as a vehicle solely for comic relief, and the dropping of wizarding robes at hogwarts. listen, i can complain ab small things from every hp movie for HOURS but overall this movie is just FANTASTIC!! the score!!!!!!!!!! the only movie where they got harrys hair right!!!!! and definetly has the best ending of any harry potter movie. if u wanna know more ab why this movie is awesome check out this video essay which goes in depth about cuaron’s directoral style in this movie.

2. HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

i feel like this is such an underrated hp movie tbh. goblet of fire is such an important book because it sets up the conflict for the rest of the series w voldemort’s return. and thats the main reason this movie gets my #2 spot tbh: the graveyard scene at the end of the movie. this movie isn’t perfect always, but the graveyard scene is a pivotal moment in the series and imo they hit it out of the park in this movie. they didn’t edit the scene to shorten it for time – they have harry and voldemorts first interaction be as tense and lengthy as it is in the books. the scene where voldemort comes out of the cauldron and rubs his head… it gives me chills every time. i think the dark parts of this movie is where it really shines – the opening with frank for example. it makes me SO happy that they opened the movie the same way they do in the book. they do a pretty good job w the character of moody and with showing harrys feelings of isolation and general angst. and yes, everyone has shitty hair in this movie but what can u do. i also take offense w the treatment of fleur in this movie… in fact whose idea was it to make beauxbatons an all female school? and durmstrang all male?? because that was a fucking dumb idea noah fence. another thing that i hate about this movie is the “conversation” between dumbledore and harry at the end of the movie – if you can even call it that. the talk they have in his office in the books is integral to the plot going forward and it is so shitty that they just had like a .2 second scene instead. actually, dumbledore is just horrible throughout this whole movie. another infamous moment w the “DIDYA PUT UR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE!?!??!?!” i remember that michael gambon (dumbledore) just refused to read the books ever and they completely missed the mark on dumbledore. i actually know of a lot of hp fans who hate this movie but i

3. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE

i know this is a lot of people’s fave or second fave harry potter movie, but i just couldnt give it that #2 spot. its tough because hbp is my 2nd favorite book behind ootp and it means so much to me and there are just some things the movie royally fucks up that i cannot give it so much praise even though, overall it is a good movie. simply put: if i hadn’t read the books this might be my #1 or #2 movie. but alas i have so i get to judge it harshly. lets start out with what the movie does well: this movie does a gREAT job of being a coming-of-age film. we really get a sense of the characters growing up and being teens in this movie and its great and hilarious at some points. this movie also does the best job with the harry/dumbledore relationship. michael gambon stretches himself to be closer to the soft and omniscient dumbledore from the books. he doesnt exactly get there for me but its closer than in any other film with him. they do a good job with the pensive stuff and the introduction of horcruxes, and with the climax of dumledore’s death. the reemergence of quidditch is lovely. HOWEVER, this biggest most irksome thing that i just cannot get over in this movie is the fucking MESS that is harry and ginnys relationship. one of my absolute favorite parts of the book is their relationship – the way harry pines for her and the way they get together (”several sunlit days”!) and they just completely throw all of that in the trash along with ginny’s character. i also dont love how hermione is portrayed in this movie. the way they did her and ron’s relationship is just… not great. in the books its so obvious that they belong together but in the movies its like theyre both just stupid. this movie does a fantastic job of balancing comedy – giving us some of the funniest scenes in an y harry potter movie – with the darkness and threat of voldemort. the way the did the whole sequence in the cave is great. the scene where the death eaters attack the burrow is stupid and unnecessary however. and while i think they do a great job like telling the story in this movie, they dont really go deeper into harrys psyche which is one of my favorite parts of the book – harry realizing and accepting his role as the savior of the wizarding world. the prophecy is kind of ignored in the movies which is … lame but we also miss out of some of my favorite book moments: harry understanding why his parents died and vowing to fight voldemort w his last breath, harry flipping out when he learns that snape is the one who overheard the prophecy, harry fighting scrimgeour. overall, this is a fun movie to watch and it isn’t half bad, but it couldve been so much more in my opinion. 

4. HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

the original!!!!!!!!!! i rewatched this recently and this is ?? such a solid movie?? most of the credit for this being a good movie goes to jkr for writing a great book, but still they coudlve easily fucked up this movie and then there wouldn’t be a franchise!!!!! so i have to give it a lot of credit. it does a wonderful job of introducing us to the wizarding world, giving us our main characters, and giving us hOGWARTS. the pacing of the movie is great, the kids are soo soosososo cute in it i cant even stand it!!!!! the comedic beats hit, the emotional beats hit. the one beef i have with this movie is that they cast like 40 yr olds to be james and lily in the mirror of erised and they are not!!!!! that old !!!!!!! also they do a great job w effects considering when it was made. watching this movie is like being held by a warm blanket of childhood memories and i love it so much. 

5. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2 

im sure some of you are surprised to see this movie so far down on my list but guess what this movie fucking infuriates me!!!!! let me just start by saying that the majority of this film is actually really good. but the small percentage of the movie that isnt good RUINS THE WHOLE THING FOR ME!!!!!! ill start with the good tho: the gringots sequences. badass. the cinematography in this movie is just like 5x better than most of the series so well done them. snape’s memories sequence is just like really fucking good okay ill give them that like the moment harry looks up after emerging from the pensive knowing he has to die GIVES ME CHILLS. voldemort killing harry in the forest. this is well shot and executed scene. harry being dead and talking w dumbledore is good too one of the only times michael gambon like acts so. the courtyard apocalypse scene. hermione’s “ill go with you”. while i object to this scene being in the movie that line is [gets choked up and cant continue]. like i said the majority of the movie is good, great even. BUT THEY FUCK UP SOME OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE ENTIRE SERIES!!!!!!!!!! lets start slow: ariana dumbledore. bet u forgot she was in this movie. dont worry the writers did too. why did they make harry some kind of horcrux gps???? no???? WHY DOES HOGWARTS RANDOMLY HAVE A BOATHOUSE THAT WE’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE?? AND WHY DID SNAPE DIE THERE?? ron and hermiones kiss in the chamber of secrets was stupid and doesnt compare to the moment in the books. dont even get me stARTED on harry and ginny. THEM NOT MENTIONING THAT REMUS AND TONKS ARE MARRIED/HAVE A KID UNTIL LUPIN IS DEAD RIP. those things bother me but nothing compares to the fucking mess that is everything after harry comes back to life. good god its the fucking most important act in the entire series… and it is a complete disaster in my opinion. just so many?? horrible?? decisions?? starting with voldemorts speech after harry is “dead”.. why did he hug draco. why. also i dont get nevilles speech at all that was stupid. the reveal that harry was alive is stupid. the fact that they dont kill the snake and have it be like this ooo will they kill the snake in time thing is STUPID. voldemort wrapping harry up in his robes?????? why???? voldemort and harry jumping off a building together???? WHY???? voldemort and harry melding faces????? WHY?????!?!?!?!?!??!?! it just doesnt make any sort of logical sense and its not so exciting to watch. why wouldnt voldemort just KILL HARRY ANY OF THOSE TIMES??? iT DOESNT MAKE SENSE?? i fukcinNNGNNG hate it im sorry. and the final like showdown between them is just not as good as it is in the books??? like them circling each other in the great hall with everyone watching as dawn breaks >> them crawling through rubble outside on a bridge. also it REALLY FUCKING IRKS ME THAT VOLDEMORT LIKE DISINTEGRATES INTO PAPER WHEN HE DIES LIKE. that completely undoes a lot of what the books are saying and like lessens the impact of his death imo. the whole point is that he was trying to be like this immortal god but in the end he died just like everyone else he was HUMAN. they also do that w bellatrix like when molly kills her she like ?? explodes?? it just lessens their deaths i think. and the lack of closure with the elder wand like harry just fucking throwing it into the distance is DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugg ugg ugg. i know my expectations were high and i know its a tough task to finish the series buT they really let me down with the FUCKING CLIMAX OF THE SERIES. like guys it was epic enough in the books u dont need to add this nonsense!!! jfc!!!!

6. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 1   

noah fence this movie is just really unenjoyable to watch. its a tough movie to make bc its like 95% just setting up for what happens in part two, but i think they def couldve done a wayyy better job in some areas. one of the great things ab deathly hallows the book is harrys psyche and how angry he is with dumbledore, how he is trying to figure out these clues, his desperation, his fascination with the hallows etc. they really underplayed harrys anger with dumbledore imo giving it just one or two scenes and a handful of moments when i think it couldve been such an interesting emotional core of the movie. they do a good job showing the war and having it be like war movie and being isolated. but they struggle with pace in this one a LOT. however two sequences really stand out to me as Good: 1. bathilda bagshot’s house. in the theater the snake was TERRIFYING waiting for it to jump out that was a good action sequence. 2. the tale of the three brothers. beautiful animation. the ron/hermione conflict with couldve been another emotional center of the movie is glossed over in my opinion (maybe this has something to do w the fact that emma watson can not act like she is enraged???). overall meh tho. i dont go to rewatch this one very often. 

7. HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

this movie is………….. not great. again it relies totally and completely on jkrs work for any of the good parts of this movie and considering that this may be my least favorite book well…. the camera work in this movie is just bad honestly like they just plop the camera in one spot and film the scene???? gilderoy lockhart is HILARIOUS in this movie however a real gem. there are some good sequences and i love this movie but there are also lots and lots of cringey moments. 

8. HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX 

i debated whether i hate this movie or CoS more but ultimately decided on this one because this movie makes me so angry and CoS is just like moderately not great. [deep breath] ok guys heres the thing: OOTP is my favorite harry potter book. and this movie takes exactly zero (0) of my favorite things about the book and does them in the film. the tone of this movie is angst and suffering but not even in a good way. i love LOVE the angst in the book because it is justified it is raw it is harry working through his feelings and being attacked from every side. the movie just communicates…. sad. theyre just like “oh lets uh have this be blue toned… nice.” they do not go deeper than the plot of OOTP, just the events that happen. they dont get into the story, the message, the POINT OF THE BOOK!!!!!!!!! were they afraid to have people yell in this movie??? like ??? they have mrs figg be soft spoken and just like murmur to harry and uncle vernon and aunt petunia dont really go in at harry like its all very tame?? and then THEY MISS OUT ON HARRY DRAGGING RON AND HERMIONE SO HARD WHEN HE GETS TO THE BURROW!!!!! an iconique scene that instead harry just like says some stuff passive aggressively and then fred and george come and are like “we thought we heard u yelling harry” like how??? he was just speaking at a normal voice??? the movie skips out on the fascinating moments with the order at grimmold place and with ginny and the weasleys to instead give us sirius naked in some weird room at the train station and harry dreaming about voldemort in a suit??? why????????? generally they do a good job with the umbridge stuff but again fail to communicate the deeper meaning of what the fuck is happening like the mINISTRY OF MAGIC IS DENYING THIS!! and what does that do to harry?? and his angst?? some of the stuff with the DA is good but some of it is… not. this movie really fails when they try to incorporate comic relief. it doesnt land great and it just makes me think about how much time we are wasting on this when we could be doing other things. FOR EXAMPLE GRAWP????? GRAWP.  i hate the dumbledore stuff in this movie. like. their relationship isnt set up enough in the previous movies to understand how hurt harry is by dumbledore. instead we get like half-assed scenes like when harry just like calls “sir” to dumbledore but he walks away fast like. really?? THE WAY THEY DID SNAPES’ WORST MEMORY [SCREAMS FOR 1200 YEARS]. LAZY! AS! SHIT! GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD WHAT A NIGHTMARE WHAT A TOTAL DISASTER MY GOODDDddddddd AND THEN ITS LIKE NEVER EVEN ADDRESSED AGAIN???? JESUS CHRIST I SWEAR TO GOD THIS MOVIE IS A MESS. the break into the ministry is okay… its starts the david yates trend of like not saying spells while ur dueling and just having like bright lights come from ur wand which i HATE and also the stupid trend of death eaters apparating with black smoke which i HATE. i have mixed feelings about “nice one james.” sirius’s death is GOOD like the way they have it silent with harry like screaming i like that they did a good job a+. however dumledore and voldemorts fight is……….. strange and just not as good as in the books. also when voldemort possesses harry and harry like has a chat w him?? DUMB. and that leads me to the greatest sin of all…… the reason this movie gets the last ranking… THE LACK OF HARRY AND DUMBLEDORE’S TALK AFTER SIRIUS’S DEATH. my absolute favorite moment in the books. unparalleled. some of the best writing i have ever seen in my life. JUST COMPLETELY GONE. IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY MENTION LIKE THE PROPHECY IN THE MOST FUCKING LAZY WAY EVER IN LIKE HALF OF A SCENE THAT LASTS 1 MINUTE. AND JUST SHOW SOME LAME ASS NEWSPAPER MONTAGE WHICH IS SOOOOOO LAZYYY OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDDDD. we get NO emotional resolution for harry and dumbledore. we get NO resolution for harry and sirius. its like these events that happen have ZERO consequences. THE PROPHECY!!!! THAT IS THE CENTRAL PART OF THE STORY MY GOD!!! harry finds out he is THE CHOSEN ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST CUT OUT OF THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT NO WE NEED A SCENE WHERE FILCH GETS BOILS!!!!!!!!! like harry after sirius’s death is so critical like him asking nick if sirius can come back…. harry smashing the mirror… you get none of that emotional depth, that grieving. the ending of the movie is also stupid. also why tf is harry wearing a BLAZER????? god i hate this movie. 

i swear i did not mean for this to get so long but once i start talking about harry potter i CANNOT shut up im so sorry and thanks for asking babe

[gulescamisade]

New York:  Day 1

[ Towers loom overhead, bright red thorny spires, bilboards plastered with brightly-illuminated advertisements for alien foods written in scrawling alternian scripts. All of them promising THE GREATEST TASTES, the ULTIMATE FOOD EXPERIENCE, TEN THOUSAND PERCENT EATS!!!! NONE HUNGER AND ALWAYS THE FEEDED! The urban sprawl seems to know no end, streets packed with despondant looking humans, some of whom have unhealthy, pale-gray skin and weird little growths on their foreheads. Somewhere in the distance, glamorous spotlights shine high into the night. A massive blimp hovers overhead. It reads: WELCOME TO FLAVORTOWN. ]

[ The experience is jarring and they are immediately struck by a wave of sensations. Bright lights, intense odors, and, soon enough, the feeling of being dumped onto hard, cold pavement. Rose, John, Kankri, Gamzee, Meulin, Jamison, Jolene, Dualscar, Jude and Joey all find themselves met with the same rude awakening, scattered down a block labeled in jarring neon lights, UMAMI. ]

JOEY: =oof!! It hasn't been one of her better landings...= 

JOEY: where the HELL are we?

ROSE: -she answers by way of promptly throwing up in the gutter.-

JUDE: -OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN-

JAMISON: OOF, =still holding his babies and STANDS= WHAT THE JIMJAM FLIMFLAM IS THIS RASSAFRASSING TOMFOOLERY!??!

JAMISON: =scampers in place holding two grown adults.... oh there are others here= Everyone grab a rifle I've got plenty strapped to my body!

MEULIN: -YOWLS and sticks the landing on her feet, puffed up and claws out. WHO MUST SHE BRAWL.-

ROSE: -this city is sure hell for someone with a migraine. awesome.-

ROSE: -She's just gonna lay down and drape an arm over her eyes because this is way too much to process.-

ROSE: -she's CRACKLING A LITTLE with all kinds of weird energy right now.-

JOHN: mother....fucker. -grunts, rolling around a little because his knees are stinging. but he recovers quickly, floating up to his feet and whizing around.- hey, is everyone okay?

ROSE: I am going to take every liberty to not be okay right now.

ROSE: I'd really like that.

ROSE: For a second.

KANKRI: -Unceremoniously dumped into the street on the alien to him planet by a zap of green energy, its very alarming, hes frazzled, but the moment he hears John his head is snapping in that direction.-

JOEY: =To rose= heyyyy youre kinda staticky...

JOHN: yeah -blinking in the harsh light. ugh. this is tacky. earth has really gone to shit, hasn't it?-

JOHN: but i mean no one has broken bones or anything, right?

ROSE: I.

ROSE: I know.

ROSE: No, I didn't-- break anything.

ROSE: I just...

ROSE: Fuck.

ROSE: FUCK.

JOHN: -lands- rose?

ROSE: Do you recall a number of childish beliefs held by myself and perhaps others? That-- that I am some manner of machiavellian genius, carefully placing my pieces on a chessboard? ROSE: Because it's wrong. It's fucking wrong. We were used. I was used. She--

ROSE: God DAMN it.

JOHN: -just...keeps apparoaching her, not bothering to comment because he doesn't know what she's talking about. he just puts his hand on her shoulder, despite the sparks.-

ROSE: -she's kinda crying a little bit under that arm, turns out. She leans into John. A throbbing ache in her head, a deep pit of guilt in her stomach, and that inescapable feeling of betrayal. All of it. She eventually just clings to him, throwing her arms around his shoulders.-

JOHN: -Holds her tightly like 8( 'cause what else can he do? He glances around at everyone else for a moment and then focuses on patting Rose on the back as she sobs.-

JOEY: D:

KANKRI: -Oh, Rose looks in really bad shape. ):B -

[The faint smell of chipotle seasoning and deep fried fat waft through the air. The pale figures on the street seem anxious, but not at these strangers arrival. No, it's something more. Some wear fake smiles, painted into their faces, trying to seem joyous despite the nightmare everyone is in.]

JOHN: -At least comforting Rose gives him something else to focus on because this is REALLY DISTURBING.-

JOEY: um.... =pats Jude a bit urgently= um.... =points??=

JAMISON: =This is unsettling! He focuses on his glasses and IMMEDIATELY gets out his potato-zooka= Should we wipe out the left or right first?

JOHN: hey woah wait. they're not hurting us.

JOHN: -why are you always so TRIGGER HAPPY?-

JOHN: -still has Rose tucked in his arm.-

JAMISON: Can't say I'm so found of... pasty possible hostiles but I'll keep an eye on them..... =Squints=

KANKRI: -Hes eyeing Jamison so hard, he remembers this human, he does not like this man. Although yes, the sense of unease radiating from the people around them is quite terrible.- I d9nt 6elieve they are h9stiles th9ugh.

ROSE: -She sniffs, taking a deep breath.- ROSE: -Then she wipes at her eyes with her hands, messily.- ROSE: They look human enough.

KANKRI: In fact t9 them we might 6e the h9stiles c9nsidering we are the 9nes wh9 suddenly appeared 9n their sidewalk. -Looks around at their new surroundings again.-

JOHN: -studies them. He's been a doctor long enough to tell that they look unhealthy. Is it lack of nutrition combined with some sort of mutation?-

JOHN: poor guys...

MEULIN: -growling softly.- SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THIS PLACE... IT SMELLS... WRONG.

JAMISON: =Rose looks sad.... he gives her a homemade shrapnel granade= Alright then.... I suppose the zombies have clearance....

JOHN: -takes a deeper whiff and sneezes-

JOHN: smells spicy!

JOHN: -pulls a multi colored chain of hankerchiffs out of his sleeve and offers it to Rose with the intent of cheering her up A LITTLE BIT.-

ROSE: -what the fuck, jamison-

ROSE: -ok-(edited)

KANKRI: -Zombies.... Please.- I d9nt think any9ne w9uld appreciate 6eing called that, dispite h9w 9utwardly appearing unwell.

JOEY: whatever it is my creep-o-meter is skyrocketing

JOHN: let's not argue over semanticss guys. we should focus on the big picture here.

JAMISON: =IT'S FOR COMFORT=

[ Overhead, and paying them no mind, robotic drones rocket with a piece of NEW construction. A large screen of some kind, already busily welding it to the side of a building. It flickers to life, soon cycling a brand new advertisement:  http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/seriouslytheworst/images/f/fd/Banner2.gif/revision/latest?cb=20150919122657 ]

JOHN: -wrinles his nose at this rampant commercialism- ew....

JOEY: thats it 

JOEY: i must be dreaming

KANKRI: -John is this really what earth advertising is like?-

JAMISON: =SQUINTS???/?=

JOHN: -Well tbh...yes-

KANKRI: -Thats so sad... No wonder these mutated earthlings look tormented.-

[ YOU WON'T BELIEVE ]

ROSE: -She's sitting up and composed herself a little bit, now just sitting on the sidewalk.-

JOHN: -hovers around her because he feels protective but his general uneasiness wants them to get moving.. .SOMEWHERE instead of just standing here like sitting ducks- i guess we should try to find out where we are and maybe try to contact the others?

JOHN: does anybody's comm work? mine doesn't.

ROSE: I'm trying to think.

ROSE: I'm not sure. I might have fried it.

[IT'LL FIT RIGHT IN]

[FRIED THING!!!! $5.95!!!! FRY ANY THING THAT FITS IN THE FRIER! FRY YOUR BABY!!!!!! $5.95!!!!!!!]

MEULIN: RRR... SOMEONE CAN TRY MINE. -uncaptchalogues hers and holds it out to anyone-

JOHN: :/

MEULIN: I'M GOING TO K33P MY NOSE OUT.

ROSE: -she reaches for it, and checks it.-

ROSE: Oh.

MEULIN: -wrinkling said nose-

KANKRI: -Shuffles a bit closer to peep at what Rose is typing, and also just to be closer to john.- 9h, it d9es w9rk. Thats g99d.

JOHN: -also 👀 also hello Kankri he's going to sling his arm around your waist because this SUCKS BALLS.-

KANKRI: -Hes glued to your side now, John.-

JOHN: -It's fine. As far as tumors go, you're pretty benign. He peeps on what Rose is doing.-

JOHN: any luck?

KANKRI: -Tumors....-

KANKRI: -Yeah alright fair that is him.-

ROSE: Vriska stole the ship.

ROSE: Fairly incompetently.

JOHN: ...pfffft... WHAT? -LAUGHING-

ROSE: She's arguing with HAL, right now...

JOHN: oh my gosh. i am going to give her such a punch.

ROSE: And she is losing.

JOHN: can you pass that message on for me?

JOHN: right in the face. boom.

KANKRI: -Hes frowning.- 9h dear... that d9esn't s9und all that funny 9r like light hearted material c9nsidering 9ur situati9n.

JOHN: well i really do mean it. she is kidnapping my baby technically. but what else did you find out/

ROSE: I'd rate it as a three, compared to the seven that is a hamburger with eyeballs.

ROSE: Dirk is in Texas.

ROSE: And... other people are elsewhere. Information is still a bit disoragnized.

JOHN: -snorts again. Sorry guys. This is his reaction to pain.-(edited)

JOHN: i hope everyone's ..at least as relatively ok as we are.

ROSE: Relatively.

ROSE: ...See if Jamison or Jolene can't look at your coms. I think mine will recover when I can... get ahold of myself.

KANKRI: Again, an9ther p9sitive.

JOHN: things could be a lot worse! -gonna pass his comm along to Jamison-

JAMISON: =was already fiddling with things but he'll fiddle MORE and FIX UP John's comm=

JOHN: -sighs a little as he hands it over.- i hope jade is alright...and the babies.

JOHN: she was all...weird right before we teleported.

JOHN: growling and stuff.

KANKRI: Yes, indeed. -Hes also going to fish out his device and look it over to be certain it still is working.-

KANKRI: Als9 9h... Well ideally they all will 6e just fine.

KANKRI: -Hes so bad at comforting right now, hes a failure.-

JOLENE: -currently barking and flipping her shit, too busy to be helpful mostly because I'm doing too much at once-

JOEY: so i take it jade isnt normally like that

ROSE: No.

ROSE: She's not.

JUDE: -HOWEVER, he's grumbling something about kids being fine-

JOEY: ah

JUDE: -while hunched over his comm which does work-

JOHN: -rubs the back of his neck, frowning and looking around. he feels restless.-

JAMISON: =hands John back his comm GOOD AS NEW... maybe even better. Definitely better it has a GUN feature now=

JAMISON: There you go! :D

JOHN: -????????????-

JAMISON: =He had it for 2 minutes=

JOEY: =comfort pat on Jude's back???=

JUDE: -GOOD PLAN-

JOHN: -HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER USE THIS BUT HE SAYS THANK YOU ANYWAY. -

JOHN: -he'll get dirk to install a child safety lock when he gets back home >>-

JUDE: -STARES AT JOEY WIDE EYED- ... I...

JUDE: I told her... that the head set... -looks down at his comm again- I guess it doesn't matter now

ROSE: What?

ROSE: What are you talking about?

ROSE: -Sits up, from being all hunched over her com.-

JUDE: ... jane's head set

JUDE: I thought... because it was crocker corp technology

JUDE: they could use it to get to us somehow... track our location... or worse

JUDE: and worse happened

ROSE: -she just scowls.-

ROSE: Mm.

MEULIN: WAIT, WHAT?? -looks around for whoever's speaking. her sunglasses aren't exactly being clear on who this is yet.-

MEULIN: WHAT HAPPENED EXACTLY?

JOEY: :(

JOEY: jude was right...again

ROSE: You can have this back. -She holds the device over to her.- ROSE: We were used.

ROSE: I don't know if she was in on it somehow, or—

ROSE: I don't know. ROSE: This is too much.

ROSE: Everything is... too much.

JOHN: we can't think about that right now. -nudges her.-

JOHN: let's focus on what we can control.-

ROSE: Right.

ROSE: We need a way to get out of here. Meet up with the others.

ROSE: And we need a place to rest and take stock of what we've got.

MEULIN: -puts the device back up- THE SMELL OF THIS PLACE... IS GIVING ME A WICKED BAD HEADACHE. (^>ｪ<^)

ROSE: -She wipes her eyes one last time and rises to her feet.- It's pretty intense. And... sustained.

JOHN: -UGH YEAH ME TOO. it's actually worse than he wants to admit because of sensory stuff but HE'S STAYING STUBBORNLY. OPTIMISTIC. he uncapatchas a little tub of ....Vicks of all thing sand takes a BIG WHIFF.- mmm.....okay thats' better.

JOHN: -dabs it on his upper lip right below his nostrils-

KANKRI: Hm. D9 we even have any exact idea 9f where we are currently l9cated?

KANKRI: 6esides in an ur6an setting surr9unded 6y seemingly thrilled individuals, wh9 I d9nt necessarily 6elieve are as happy as they appear...

JOHN: yeah this is some 1984 bullshit if i ever saw it. looks like they're really on board with big brother.

JOHN: bitch couldn't even be original about how she fucked up my planet. -sighs-

JOHN: maybe we could ask one though?

ROSE: ...I...

ROSE: Don't think this one was ever on the maps, before.-

ROSE: -she points towards the sky, where the massive blimp looms, reading WELCOME TO FLAVORTOWN.-

KANKRI: 6ig 6r9ther... are y9u meaning t9 say and 9r ass9ciate it with the phrase that in turn means the "9ver watching presence" 9f a higher c9rp9rati9n 9r g9vernment, usually in a negative 9r c9rrupted light?

KANKRI: -Also looks where Rose is pointing and oh what do you know. They are in Flavortown.-

JOHN: well, apparently we're in flavortown, i guess. -rolls eyes-

JOHN: juts saying it makes me feel dirty.

KANKRI: -Side eyes John.- That is an 9dd reacti9n t9 have t9 a name 9f a city.

KANKRI: Alth9ugh I have t9 agree with R9se, I d9nt remem6er ever learning a69ut a city named as such in my studies 9f Earth. Alth9ugh I c9uld have easily missed it if its n9t m9re significant.

JOEY: im gone for what? ten years?

JOEY: everythings changing!

JOHN: i feel you, kiddo.

JOHN: i wanted to show you guys my room! my old psoters are still up in there.

JOHN: i think?

JOEY: =KIDDO....im almost 40= eheeheehee

JOHN: -he walks up to some of the advertisements, studying closely and trying to read some of the SIGNAGE. he can understand Alternian, at least if that's what the troll script is.-

JOHN: -he's hoping there's one of those cheesy maps with the YOU ARE HERE arrows or osmething.-

[ John does manage to see this ]

http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/seriouslytheworst/images/1/1c/Chart-mooo.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/640?cb=20150920192938

JOEY: RUMP!

[It doesn't seem as if anyone is interested in speaking to them, much less harming them. If anything, everyone around is too busy trying to look mirthful, as if they hope it's sufficient enough. The city streets aren't busy, but there are definitely plenty of alley ways, a couple even with barrel fires in them.]

JOHN: -HES' GETTING EDUCATED ABOUT MEAT BUT NOT WHERE THEY ARE, NECESSARILY-

KANKRI: -Barrel fires are not exactly safe. Someone could fall in or they could be knocked over or filled with dangerous burning products.-

JOHN: -don't worry kankri, he won't let anyone stuff you into a burning barrel.-

KANKRI: -WELL HE WASNT THINKING ABOUT THAT.-

JOHN: -okay well his comm is working. what if he just tries...Troogle Maps?-

KANKRI: -But that would be a concern.-

JOHN: -It's only an issue if you're tiny and perfectly barrel sized-

KANKRI: -John has thought about this too much.-

[If John checks Troogle maps, he will find that they are somewhere near the New York /Canada border]

JOHN: -Sighs, taking a screen shot so he doesn't have to waste so much battery. Then he shows it to Rose.-

ROSE: Oh.

ROSE: ...

ROSE: This is. Kind of near where I used to live.

JOHN: oh! wow! really?

ROSE: We're about six miles from Niagra Falls.

JOEY: =looks around, surprised= really??

ROSE: Yeah.

ROSE: That can't be right.

JOHN: how come?

ROSE: Because it...

ROSE: Just doesn't make much sense? I mean, I admit, my knowledge of this area is approximate and only half-remembered, but...

ROSE: Look at how far this city extends.

ROSE: Look at the size of these buildings! ROSE: There's no industry or exploitable resource here. The falls are a tourist attraction.

JOEY: because...! =gestures at....everything.=

JOHN: -bites his lip- extreme urban sprawl.

ROSE: Well, yes. To a cartoonish degree. Which I do admit is a bit... appropriate, in the presence of certain elements.

ROSE: -She poitns to another sign.- http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/seriouslytheworst/images/9/97/YUMEE.png/revision/latest?cb=20150919122142

ROSE: But still.

JOHN: -he desperately wants to graffiti on all this crap. and maybe take a leak on it for good measure.-

JOHN: >:/

JOEY: you alright there john buddy

JOHN: oh yeah. i just got my dander up.

[And yet it exists. All of it. Spicily, and v eerily the buildings loom over them. An almost palpable haze of grease in the air. Not mention the numerous neon signs. A new one was being attached to an adjacent building right at this moment. An unsettling picture of Guy Fieri upon. GUYS BIG BITE. SEASON PREMIERE LIVE FROM FLAVORTOWN. Wednesday at 8pm est/7pm cst]

ROSE: -SQUINTS-

JOHN: -PARTICULARILY REPULSED BY THIS IMAGE.- it's like the batterwitch's floury fingerprints on everything.

JOHN: sliding down your back.

JOHN: -shivers-

MEULIN: .... WHO THE FURK IS GUY?(edited)

KANKRI: -Squints up at the billboard as well.- I am als9 c9nfused as t9 wh9 this is.

JOHN: -turns away from it pointedly.- so what do you think rose? is it worth it to try and find your old house?

ROSE: No.

ROSE: No, I doubt there's anything left.

ROSE: We should just find someplace to sleep where no one will ask us any questions.

ROSE: ...Not that they appear to be willing to.

JOHN: hmm. - scratches chin and troogle maps again. this times for subways... and not the kind that sell sandwiches. -

[Closed and currently being filled with buffalo wing queso]

JOHN: -he's mad because he's disappointed but that sounds delicious-