#she has surgery Thursday and i decided i am not going with my husband to see her

[iesuroo]

So the lunch was yesterday that my husband went to and he lied to everyone and said I had a stomach ache to save face and that's why I wasn't there and they had the guts to put my name on a physical paper for taking care of his mom. I'm scheduled for Tuesdays with my husband and his brother and I'm like I did not agree to this so I will not be going but also why does that woman need more than one person to take care of her?

Anyways made a FB post so everyone could finally know how I was suffering and how unsupported I am here. I wasn't mean or rude In the post just honest. Mostly a public way to protect myself from any backlash for not helping his mom. Like hey I'm pregnant and can't drink water or breath good, I don't think I should be helping her. Funny how no one in the wrong has liked it or said anything but everyone else has reached out which has been nice. My husband's dads gf who still talks to me even though he has passed on is taking me out to dinner Friday and were having a girls night. So if anything that post showed me who my village is and it's not my husband's mom or siblings.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary343

8/28-29/24

wendesday - thursday

sleepy now...

errands day was okay, better than last week at least, my gf is just so wound up about her mom's surgery, it's hard for me to know where she's coming from all the way because there were lots of times my mom went in for surgeries for her back and i was a kid and it didn't occur to me that things could go very wrong, and when she broke her leg and crawled all the way to the house and it was just me at home, and i didn't hear because i was in the shower and i had to call 911 and everything, i wasn't like, scared, it seemed like everything would just work out, i was like, upset of course, it's all not pleasant but it's all like, i guess complications didn't occur to me because they couldn't. all the stuff my mom went through was like, of course she'll live. my gf's doubt i guess, it makes sense, her mother is older than mine ever was for her surgeries, i'm just, i don't know, i'm used to people living until they stop. mostly they decide to stop. her mom's survived a lot of things. it seems like her family is built like that. even if there's an infection which seems possible and even something we should all expect and prepare for (feels condescending to say prepare, what am i really going to do, all i can do is imagine and hope it doesn't, hope to figure out how to make my gf feel better if it does happen, how to help her mother, if even possible (likely not.)), but her family just seems to live, on spite mostly. my mom lived because maybe she's like me, and it's like, well, okay, i guess tomorrow is here, and that keeps happening to you, and years later you realize something has happened to you, and you can't take it back. my gf's family mostly seems to be interested in doing things to people. that's hard to divorce from living usually. i know i'm talking in all abstracts, like, it's some strange ephemeral force occupying some bodies, and not others, but it's not necessarily how i see it. i don't think at least. i can't tell. it's not about some kind of ... lottery? it's just that it gets expressed over time as a response. my grandma seemed to die in a way that said, it's time, i get this sense because i guess she was found in a small nest she made in a corner on a bunch of towels in her house, to not dirty anything else. my uncle died in a way that was also: it's time, but he made it time, by letting things get bad and never telling anyone. my friend died by killing himself, which is probably similar to my uncle, just less abstracted. my grandma on my dad's side seemed to die because it was natural, she'd had enough. she always seemed like someone who had enough anyway. her mother isn't really there, her mother drunkenly drove to utah and came back on pills or something and almost died in her sleeping, pissing herself, going to the hospital and treating the staff poorly, and then still lived. sober, now, attached to life more, receiving surgery to make pain disappear hopefully, she still seems to really want to do more. she won't slack on at least attempting to solve problems that seem to come up. this is what makes her so scary sometimes because she'll see nonexistant issues and do things that don't need to be done, just freaking us all out. but that's evidence of attachment and some kind of pro-active attitude, she's more self reliant than most people, she's so self reliant and capable she made both of her children less capable because she was always feeling that she knew better and could do better, and let them off, which creates all kinds of fucked up things. either way, if she does die, from this, it would be from over-working herself still. maybe more than the infection, she's scared nobody is gonna give enough of a shit about her to help her. in that case, should i go over and try to help for some days of the week? maybe. i guess i ought to think about that. her brother won't help, her husband won't, he's too busy going on stupid trips, getting drunk, both of them, husband and son.

it's a downer to think about, i guess. i dunno. i feel okay mostly. maybe i'm like dead inside or something. my gf seems so scared and it manifests in odd ways, she was upset today because i wanted to go home and not spend too long in a korean supermarket... i said 'we can come back, we'll be back i'm sure' and she kept saying she fought to get us there, and that we won't come back, and that's how it's coming through her, the anxiety about things changing, or maybe it's not even about death, it's just anxiety over having to wait. i don't know how to begin to help her with that, if it's the case. it's not fun not getting things you want but i guess that's also something i'm dead to and i feel bad a lot of the time because i want nothing, and get nothing, and i am nothing, so i'm given nothing. that's not true entirely only in abstract ways and abstract places (online) my girlfriend gives me all the things i need and want basically, it's that there's things i don't know i want that i can't ask for, not to make things about myself though i did but whatever. it's just odd. i feel opposite to her in some way, she can find things she desires always, i can't tell what i want, if i even want at all, usually. well i want all the time in ways but those things aren't really acceptable to write out. a way to put it is i want to be made to not think because of stuff like fire, i guess. inside my stomach. not like, alcohol obv i'm straightedge. it's other stuff.

obviously, her anxiety about it possibly happening, anything going wrong, as badly as possible, that's really well founded. i'm probably in the wrong for not feeling it as strongly. i certainly do feel bad about it on some level, i just don't know. i don't think worrying like that helps, especially not saying it out loud to her mom. but i do understand why. it's scary, horrifying probably to everyone. i'm sure if my mom went in for surgery for something i may freak out too i guess. i dunno. i just want her to not be scared.

not much else done today, some light music stuff worked on... not much else, tomorrow i'll do more, i have to sleep now,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[foxymoxynoona]

Hiiiii! Random Monday questions. Just because!

1) How are you doing? Hope you’re doing fine at least!

2) Have you ever gone to a BTS concert? I wish I’d had! Sadly, they have never come to my country. I still can dream about it! And btw, do you have a favorite BTS song?

3) Could you tell us more about your creative process? Like what you find inspiration in to map the plot of the story or curious thing like that. I enjoy reading about it! You have such a peculiar mind (in a positive and amazing way, can’t believe you have written so much different things in such a short time, amidst all the things you’ve written and not shared!)

So random, sorry. Feel free to answer all, some or any at all! I just had to take my mind out of the end of Amended chapter and ended up here🥺

-��💋

🍿

Hello popcorn anon! How lovely to hear from you, so sorry about the chapter end. :)

1. I'm doing ok. My surgery consult is Thursday! I am busy busy with work and my side hustles. And today was a cool and rainy day, so that's nice. I am struggling with saying goodbye to summer but I do love autumn.

2. I have not! I only got into them like late fall right before COVID. Even if/when they come near me, I don't think I can afford it anyway so I'll have to just dream :)

3. I do have a peculiar mind, LOL. My creative process kind of changes though by the idea... More beneath the cut!

Sometimes I just have an idea for a particular scene or feeling or moment, so I write that just to get it out and then maybe a story grows out of that. I might even write multiple scenes that just feel urgency to write in a single world/story without necessarily knowing all the connective tissue, and then later go back and fill in a proper estimated chapter-by-chapter plan (which could start SUPER high level; I have some examples of this in previous posts, check out #mywriting tag). Most of my stories I've posted so far were written this way, because back before I posted any of my writing, I'd just bounce around writing whatever I felt like. I have dozens of abandoned scenes/stories ideas I wrote. Maybe I'll wind up posting more as drabbles on here, or maybe some will get resurrected as proper stories, or maybe most of them will be banished to obscurity.

Other times, I'll have an idea for either a plot or emotional arc and really sit down and daydream through as much of the vision as I can and write stream of conscious thoughts down about it that later I go untangle and organize --this was Meadow and is how most of my future stories are getting planned right now.

So I may start with this stream of conscious page-long note-taking about my idea with any quotes, moments, or even questions or themes jotted down --a lot of time this starts with me daydreaming about an idea while I'm at the gym or walking or cooking dinner or something. I'll even write in my questions ("do they kiss here? or later?" "either he doesn't care or he cares a LOT. which is it?" "where's Namjoon at this point?") Then I go through and edit that to try and get it in an actual story order, think of answers to any of the questions I left for myself, make note of any areas I could diverge based on what feels right when I get there. It results in still a sort of hazy, word outline. And then I actually take that and break it out into rough chapter ideas. These always change as I actually write and decide oh, it's better to end the chapter here, or damn, that took longer than I expected, ok, or this new plot needs to get woven in. But it gives me some structure.

Sometimes I'll run scenes or ideas by my husband and he usually has very bad ideas that actually help me a lot because it gives me permission to brainstorm my own bad ideas too. And now I've got some friends on here who I can enjoy bouncing ideas back and forth with, some of which may be turning into actual stories coming to an ao3 account near you this winter 😉

Oh! actually one more useful thing that I only started doing when I started writing BTS fanfiction is that when I write, I don't write chapters, I write blocks. Like I write the headers in the word doc, and then a little note or whatever beneath the header for whatever needs to happen in that block. Like:

LANDON DINNER - Bella and JK go to dinner, Landon's apartment, Brianne gets pissy about something, Ezra is excited to show room but it's not ready yet, B and L are trying, L's been teaching Ezra guitar and he wants to perform, things get awkwrd sometimes but JK and Bella are a united team and find comfort in each other so nothing spirals, JK asks L about being sober, it's actually an ok time, B admits she liked both guys in high school?, Landon taught E "their song"

And I'll do that for the whole chapter. So then when I go back and am actually writing, it's eliminated that overwhelmed feeling because I don't need to worry about a whole chapter! Just a scene! And then the next one. And then the next one.

At least with most of my stories, I'm still writing so much that I can just insert the blocks already written into my chapter plan. But a lot of posting Flux is actually going through and figuring out where to insert the chapter breaks when that story wasn't actually written to have chapters; it's why that and Little Bean are sometimes really awkward with the range of chapter lengths, because I didn't plan them that way, it was just written as long stream of conscious story.

ANYWAY, this was a lot, hope this was interesting at all!

[iamtrebleclefstories]

The Little Bit of Hope I Cling To - Part 4

Izzie goes to Grey Sloan in hopes of seeing Bailey, Meredith, or Alex. She meets Dr. Karev instead. 

the end of the road

Part 4

——————

The months following were smooth sailing, until they weren’t. Jo was about seven months in her pregnancy when it seemed like everything had gone to shit. Izzie got sick again and was back in a hospital bed undergoing multiple treatments and would be undergoing a resection for new mets that appeared along her small intestine.

Everything had been going so well. Izzie had been hired by Alex as a full time neurosurgeon at Grey Sloan, Geo was thriving in his school and enjoying have “cousins” to play with, even Piper—the damn dog—was happy.

That’s why Jo was so pissed. For months, she’d been working tirelessly on her fellowship research to find a breakthrough that could maybe save Izzie’s life and stop the spread of her cancer. Finding out that the cancer was back was like a punch in the gut for all the time Jo had spent trying to come up with a solution. It was made increasingly difficult by the fact that Jo had become friends of sorts with her husband’s ex-wife. They had forged a friendship from the most unexpected of circumstances and it was one that Jo was grateful for.

Jo’s impending motherhood didn’t help the situation either. She knew that she’d be going on maternity leave in a few months, but what would that mean for Izzie? Jo couldn’t just stop now. Not when Izzie needed her the most.

She’d been sitting in the attending’s lounge with her head in her hands when she heard someone shuffle through the door.

“Hey.”

Jo looked up to find Link standing in the doorway. She gave him a small smile, “Hey.”

“You okay?”

“Nope,” Jo laughed dryly. “I’m stressed and tired and my feet hurt and I just need to figure out this medical breakthrough so that a woman that I’ve grown to care about doesn’t die.”

“So... just another Thursday, right?” Link quipped sarcastically. He sat down next to Jo and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Look, I know you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, but it’s not all on just you. Whether you figure it out or not, it doesn’t make you any less of a good doctor. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t try your hardest. You are going to run yourself to the ground if you keep going at the rate you’re going, and I know that can’t be good for the baby.”

Jo let a tear slide down her cheek, “I know... I just wish there was something more I could do. I’m running out of options. She’s my patient and it’s my job to help her, but she’s also become the most unlikely friend. I just... I don’t want her to die.”

“No one wants her to die. But if she does, it won’t be your fault. It won’t be because you didn’t try hard enough. It’ll be because she had cancer and try as we might, sometimes the cancer wins. Regardless of who wins, you have given her time. Time she wouldn’t have had if she never would came to this hospital looking for old friends and instead stumbling upon you. She gets time and a chance to fight because of you. Don’t forget that,” Link pulled Jo in for a sideways hug. “Now, dry up those tears and go to her room and tell her what’s next in your plan to try to save her life.”

Jo chuckled softly, “Thank you.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Link shrugged. “Seriously though, you’re gonna wanna wipe your face. You’ve got some mascara running down your face.”

“Shut up,” Jo rolled her eyes and stood to look in the mirror. Yikes. She did look pretty wrecked. She grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table and began to blot her face.

Satisfied with her appearance, Jo said goodbye to Link and made her way down to Izzie’s hospital room. As she approached, she saw Alex with Geo on his lap and Meredith talking to Izzie as she knitted a scarf. Smiling, Jo knocked on the door as she walked in, “Hey. I see you have some company.”

“Jo! We were just talking about you—oh my goodness... your belly looks absolutely precious today,” Izzie beamed brightly.

“Thank you,” Jo nodded gratefully and looked over at Alex who was staring at her with love in his eyes.

“Oh! You see, that’s the look. The one we were talking about,” Meredith pointed at Alex.

“What look?” Jo scrunched her face.

“The lovey-dovey look Alex gets on his face anytime you walk into the room. It’s like he worships the ground you walk on,” Izzie teased, a wide grin on her face.

“Yup,” Meredith nodded. “The look of complete and utter adoration.”

Geo looked in between Jo and Alex briefly before agreeing, “Uncle Alex looks at you like you’re the most pwetty thing ever to exist!”

“That’s because she is,” Alex ruffled Geo’s hair, causing the young boy to erupt into a fit of giggles. He looked up at Jo again, “How are you feeling?”

“Good... a bit tired and Link may have just witnessed me have a hormonal break down in the lounge, but mostly good,” Jo ran a hand over her swollen stomach. “Baby is kicking a lot today.”

“Can I feel?” Geo asked excitedly, jumping up from his spot on Alex’s lap. “Pwetty please?”

“Sure,” Jo smiled at the boy and guided his little hand up to where the baby’s feet were. “You feel that thump? That’s the baby.”

“Woah,” Geo’s eyes widened in wonder. “This is so cool!”

“It is pretty cool isn’t it?” Jo winked at him. “What’s even cooler is that in a couple months, the baby will be here and we’ll get to hold and cuddle him or her all day long.”

“I can’t wait to have a baby cousin,” Geo looked over at Izzie. “It’s something happy and we need all the happy so mommy can get better.”

“You are so right, Geo. A big part of your mommy’s recovery is going to depend on her being very strong. Happiness gives us something to hope for and it makes us oh so very strong,” Jo replied.

The three other adults watched the scene unfold with smiles on their faces. Izzie turned to Jo, “You are going to be a wonderful mother. I can tell.”

“Thank you,” Jo reached over and squeezed one of Izzie’s hands. “I wanted to come in and tell you that I’m actively making plans for what to do next. Right now, surgery is still our best option, but I’m doing everything in my power to figure out something else. Until then, you’ll continue with the IL-2 treatments to shrinks those mets down as much as possible. I want to do the resection in a week from today.”

“Sounds good,” Izzie nodded. “Enough about me, someone tell me something happy or funny to help me distract myself from the fact that I’m stuck here while everyone else is performing surgery. Ooh! Like have you guys figured out a name yet?”

“Not yet,” Alex shook his head. “We haven’t really had a chance to sit down and talk about names. Hell, we don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl.”

That was true. Originally, Jo and Alex were going to find out the sex of the baby, but at the last minute chose to wait and be surprised. It was exciting and made it even more fun when people tried to place their bets on the sex of the baby.

“You better hope for your sake it’s a boy, because if you have a little girl who looks like Jo, that’s it. You’re a goner,” Meredith smirked

“Oh I can see it now,” Izzie laughed. “Alex freaking out because she’s going out on date when she sixteen.”

Alex scowled, “Shut up. We’re no where close to that so we’re not even going to think about it.”

“You see? He’s going to have a complete meltdown if that baby is a girl,” Meredith pointed at Jo’s bump. “What do you think it is Jo?”

“Honestly, I haves to clue. It’s changes every day. Today I’m feeling boy, but I’m a couple hours from now I might think it’s a girl.”

“Well, if you guys decide to go with the theme of naming your babies after a loved one, just remember that no one has named a baby after me yet,” Meredith grinned slyly.

“Shut up,” Alex threw a paper cup in Meredith’s direction, causing the three women to laugh.

***

“Helen, I swear I’m fine,” Jo insisted as she walked into the hospital, her mother in law trailing behind her.

“No you are not,” Helen frowned. “I know that I’m not entirely mentally stable, but Jo, I gave birth to three children. I know what labor looks like. You are having contractions.”

“They’re Braxton Hicks,” Jo tried to explain. “Besides, I am only thirty five weeks. I have a whole month before the baby is supposed to be born. I haven’t even gone on maternity leave yet.”

“Now I see why Alex called me,” Helen muttered under her breath. “Okay, fine. Maybe you aren’t in labor but you need to slow down.”

“Trust me, Helen, I would love to, but I can’t. I have patients to take care of and my research. I can’t afford to stop now. Not when I’m on the brink of something that could save many lives. Not when Izzie Stevens is finally getting discharged again today,” Jo said as Helen followed her into the attendings lounge.

Truthfully, Jo was in pain. She’d been having contractions ever since four in the morning, but did her best to ignore it. She was tough. She could handle a little pain and discomfort. It wasn’t time yet.

“Wait, is this the ex-wife Izzie Stevens?” Helen made a face at the information, while Jo changed into her scrubs. “Alex mentioned that his ex-wife was here getting treatment. You’re her doctor?”

“Yes,” Jo nodded as she pulled on the scrub top and fluffed her hair out.

“You are a saint,” Helen shook her head.

“She’s really not that bad,” Jo turned to Helen. “I’m going to round on her right now if you want to join me.”

“Might as well,” Helen shrugged. “I promised Alex I’d stay with you today.”

“Alex needs to calm down. Worrying like that is just going to give him more gray hair than what he already has. I am fine. The baby is fine,” Jo walked out the lounge and into the hallway in the direction of Izzie’s room.

Just as they were about to walk into Izzie’s room, Jo was hit by a powerful contraction. She took a deep breath and grabbed onto the doorway, exhaling in pain. She shook her head and proceeded into the room.

“Hey Izzie,” Jo greeted and smiled when she saw Geo. “Hello to you, too Geo. Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

“Yes he is, but mommy decided to let him skip because she’s leaving the hospital today,” Izzie grinned.

“That’s right! I checked all of your levels and your most recent scans, and I feel very good about discharging you today,” Jo shared the good news. She turned and motioned for Helen to walk in, ignoring another contraction. “Iz! This is Alex’s mom, Helen Karev.”

“Hi,” Helen gave Izzie a wary smile.

“Oh! Hi, Mrs. Karev, it’s so nice to meet you,” Izzie shook Helen’s hand. She looked over at Jo. “I didn’t know that he introduced you to his mom.”

“Yeah, we met just a couple weeks before the wedding. Went out to Iowa to visit,” Jo recounted. “Alex called her and flew her out here to be the pregnancy police.”

“He did not ask me to be the pregnancy police,” Helen rolled her eyes. He’d mentioned that your due date was approaching soon and I told him that I wanted to be here to see you before you gave birth, so he came to Iowa and flew out here with me. He said he’d do the same once the baby was born. But it looks to me like he won’t have to make the second trip because you are having contractions every three minutes.”

Jo’s eyes widened as she realized that her mother-in-law had been measuring the time between her contractions, “They’re three minutes apart? They’re coming steady?”

“Yes, honey. Like I said ever since we left the house, you are in labor,” Helen reiterated and placed a hand on Jo’s shoulder. “You need to cancel the rest of your day.”

“No, no, no. I am not having this baby right now,” Jo shook her head stubbornly. “It’s two early. He or she has still got to cook for five more weeks. Their lungs still need a few more weeks to develop, they don’t have enough body fat to regulate temperature yet, and they won’t be strong enough to breastfeed. So, this baby is staying inside.”

“Um... Jo,” Izzie called out. “You’re bleeding.”

“I’m what?” Jo looked down to see a dark streak running down the leg of her scrub pants. She clutched her stomach in pain again. “Oh, crap. Call Alex and Meredith.”

“Geo, run to the nurses station and tell them that we need a wheel chair for Dr. Jo and that they need to page Uncle Alex right away. It’s an emergency,” Izzie instructed her son, who nodded and ran out into the hall. She carefully stood up from her bed and walked over to where Jo was leaning against the wall. “Okay, you’re going to be fine. Jo, how about you let me feel your belly?”

Izzie felt around for a minute before scrunching her eyes in concern, “Alright, keep in mind that I am a neurosurgeon and I’m not exactly sure that this is what’s going on, but I think your placenta ruptured. There shouldn’t be this much blood.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Helen asked worriedly.

“Just hold her up while I find Geo with the wheelchair,” Izzie rushed out of the room and found her son walking next to a nurse strolling a wheelchair. “Did you page Alex Karev?”

“Yes,” the nurse nodded.

“Okay, you also need to page OB and Meredith Grey. I think Jo’s experiencing placental abruption and she may need to undergo a crash C-section.”

“I’m on it.”

***

The following minutes were a frenzy of activity as Alex—who’d been elbow deep in a kid’s body cavity—was notified of his wife going into preterm labor. He got tagged out by Bailey and ran out to find Meredith standing outside the OR board, trying to figure out which OR they’d taken Jo to.

When they got to OR 2, both Meredith and Alex were happy to find that Jo was not alone. Standing there holding her hand was Izzie, who was muttering soothing words to her, “Everything is going great so far. You are doing good, the baby is okay, and Alex is on his way.”

“I’m here!” Alex announced as he came up beside Jo and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Hey, I’m here.”

“Oh thank God,” Jo breathed out a sigh of relief. “This wasn’t the plan. God, Alex this wasn’t the plan.”

“When the hell have our lives ever gone to plan?” Alex chuckled light. “It’s okay, because we caught in time and in a few minutes we’re going to have a beautiful baby.”

“Where’s Meredith?” Jo called out.

“I’m right here Jo,” Meredith walked up to where Izzie had been sitting my Jo’s head. “We got this, thank you.”

“Oh. Yeah... no problem,” suddenly, Izzie felt very out of place. For the first time in the months since she’d returned to Seattle, she felt like an outsider looking in. “Okay. I’m going to go sit with your mom, Alex. Keep her some company.”

“Thank you.”

***

A little over an hour had passed when Meredith finally came out to the waiting room on the Labor & Delivery floor. She wore a bright smile on her face, “Mom and baby are just fine. There was some bleeding but we got that under control and Alex stood over the peds fellow’s shoulder making sure that the baby was fine.”

“Oh thank God,” Izzie let out a sigh of relief. “They’re both okay?”

“Yes,” Meredith nodded. “The baby’s lungs are fully developed. She might have to stay in an incubator a couple nights to regulate her body temperature, but she’s healthy.”

“Did you say she?” Helen asked.

“I did. It’s a girl.”

Izzie laughed, “Oh my God. I knew it! Please tell me she looks exactly like Jo.”

“She’s a carbon copy,” Meredith joined Izzie’s laughter. “I would’ve thought Jo’s cloned herself if it weren’t for obvious mop of hair on her head that definitely came from Alex.”

“Can we go see them?” Geo pulled on Meredith’s scrubs. “Pleaseeeeee!”

“Yes, you can go see them. That’s why I came out to get you,” Meredith extended her hand out to the little boy. “Come on, follow me.”

They walked down the halls of L&D until they finally found themselves outside a room. Somewhere along the way, Amelia, Link, and Bailey had joined them. Meredith knocked on the door before walking in, “I brought some visitors.”

Jo and Alex looked up from the tiny pink bundle in their arms to see their friends—their family walk into the room. Alex grinned widely as he held his daughter in his arms and stood up to greet everyone. He was jittering with excitement, “Dude, I’m a dad!”

The room erupted into laughter. Amelia chuckled, “Yeah we know.”

There was a shuffling by the doorway as someone pushed their way through, “I’m here! I was in surgery. Did I miss it?”

Maggie burst through the door eyes wide, struggling to catch her breath, “Oh my God. It’s a girl!”

“Yes, it’s a girl,” Jo sighed dreamily, very clearly in love with the child in her husband’s arms.

“She’s absolutely beautiful,” Helen fawned over the small child. “I have a granddaughter!”

“Well? Are you going to tell us her name?” Bailey asked expectantly.

Alex and Jo exchanged a look before answering simultaneously, “Taylor Joy Karev.”

“TJ for short,” Jo added.

Izzie watched as everyone—her son included—took their turns meeting and holding the precious little newborn. It was a sweet moment, one that she thought she’d never get to see. It was... odd, seeing her ex-husband and his wife welcome their child into the world. It was odd being a part of the process. It was odd that they let her in after the history between her and Alex.

Jo must’ve noticed Izzie’s detached expression because soon, Izzie was being pulled out of her reverie by Jo’s concerned voice, “Izzie, are you okay?”

“I should be the one asking you that,” Izzie winked. “You scared me a little there. But of course Taylor had to have a dramatic entrance into the world, she’s a Karev after all. Already like her father in that way.”

“She’s been in this world for two hours and she already has him wrapped around her little finger,” Jo mused quietly, looking at her husband helping the Geo and the other kids—who’d been brought over from school—hold their newest cousin. “I don’t blame him, though... I didn’t think I could love anyone this much. I didn’t think I’d ever love anyone more than I love Alex, but this little girl... she’s everything. Absolutely everything.”

“I know exactly how you feel,” Izzie sat down on the edge of Jo’s bed. “When I saw Geo for the first time, my heart cracked wide open. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t given birth to him. I knew he was mine and I was his. Not a day goes by where I’m not grateful for every second I get to spend with him. Especially, since my cancer returned.”

Izzie paused and thought carefully about her next words, “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t alive right now. But I also, wouldn’t be here in this room, surrounded by friends watching my ex-husband hold his newborn daughter if it weren’t for you. You have helped me mend broken relationships and have given me a community again. And that’s all because of you. God knows they wouldn’t be as welcoming to me if it weren’t for your genuine care and compassion. So thank you, for giving me life back.”

About halfway through Izzie’s short speech, Jo felt a couple tears slip her eyes. She tried to wave it off as the hormones, “You’re welcome. Thank you for staying with me until TJ was born.”

“It was my pleasure and honor,” Izzie squeezed Jo’s hand lightly, marveling at the shift in roles. For the first time, Jo was in the hospital bed and Izzie was standing about it. “It’s weird seeing you in a hospital gown instead for scrubs.”

“It’s weird being in a hospital gown,” Jo answered. She observed Izzie for a minute. “Are you okay? You got discharged today and instead ended up getting me to an OR in time so that I didn’t lose too much blood.”

“I’m good. Honestly, I feel really good,” Izzie assured. “I know I’m not better yet and I know that I’ve still got to fight, but things like these... things like these remind me that I have so much to fight for. I want this. I want to be here and watch TJ grow. I want to see Zola, Bailey, and Ellis grow. I want to see my son grow and I want to have another kid. I want to marry someone that looks at me the way Alex looks at you, or Ben Warren looks at Bailey. So as long as I have left, I’m gonna keep fighting for those things.”

Alex—who’d heard the tail end of the conversation between the two women—walked up with baby Taylor resting comfortably in his embrace, “And we’re going to help you do that.”

Jo nodded in confirmation, “Anything you need, we’re here.”

“Thanks,” Izzie smiled and finally turned her attention to the small child. “Okay, it’s Auntie Izzie’s turn to hold this little one. Everyone else got a turn except for me.”

Alex handed the baby over and Izzie grinned widely when she finally got a good look at the little girl, “Oh, Alex. You are in so much trouble.”

“Why?” Alex scrunched his face in question.

“Because she’s gorgeous and looks exactly like her mother. And with the parents she has—ha, I cannot wait to see what kind of trouble she gets herself into,” Izzie laughed. “Let’s just pray she doesn’t take after you and your... wild side.”

“Oh God, no. Nope,” Alex shook his head. “She’s not allowed to even look at a boy until she’s thirty.”

“Okay,” Jo snorted in amusement. “You’re just terrified because now you finally realized that you ten years ago, was every father’s worst nightmare.”

“God, I’m gonna pay for that, aren’t I? This right here, this little girl is karma for all of the terrible things I did throughout the years,” Alex’s eyes were wide in terror.

“Yup,” Izzie hummed and cradled the little one closer. “I’m happy for you guys. Truly.”

“Thank you,” Alex’s face curved up into a crooked smile. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“You’re going to stick around right? You’re not leaving Seattle or anything?” Jo asked.

“I’m sticking around,” Izzie took a deep breath. “Years ago, I told Mer that this was just a place I worked, but I was wrong. This is home. This is family."

***

Five Years Later

“TJ! Get your butt in here right now!” Jo yelled as she tripped on a pile of toys in the living room. She waited until she heard the pitter-patter of feet signaling her daughter’s appearance. “What have I said about leaving these on the floor. Someone can get hurt.”

“Sorry mommy!” TJ’s little eyes widened in apology.

“It’s okay baby, just pick them up when we get home later. Right now we have to go. We’re going to be late,” Jo reached out her hand and led her daughter out the house.

When they reached the car, she saw Alex fiddling around in the backseat. Jo smirked, “Having some trouble there?”

“I can’t get this stupid seat belt over her dress,” Alex grumbled. “Was this really necessary?”

“You know how Izzie is. Everything has to be perfect. Here let me do it,” Jo chuckled as she pushed Alex aside to look at the three year old girl that Alex was struggling to strap in. “Hi, Bella Mae. You look so beautiful. Mommy is going to help you get all strapped in because Daddy is having some issues.”

“Daddy habbin’ issues,” Bella giggled quietly. “I wike my dwess.”

“I like your dress too,” Jo complimented the little girl. Jo smoothed down her daughter’s dress as she buckled her into the car seat. Bella was her goofy, energetic kid. Rather than being a carbon copy of her mother like Taylor was, Bella took after the Karev side. Alex constantly talked about how Bella reminded him of his sister, Amber when she was a little girl. Bella and Alex had the same big brownish-greenish eyes and crooked grins. “Alright, Bells. You are all set.”

“Tank you, mommy!”

“You’re welcome,” Jo kissed the little girl’s forehead.

Finally, Jo turned over to the little man that was sitting in between his two sisters. Wyatt Alexander Karev was a cubby two year old that was the perfect blend of both Jo and Alex. It was hard to determine where features of one parent ended and the other began.

Wyatt gave Jo a cheesy smile, “Mama!”

“Hi munchkin! You look so handsome,” Jo ruffled his little curls.

“Tanks mama!”

“You ready?” Alex asked as he rounded the car.

“Yeah. Let’s go,” Jo nodded and thanked Alex as he opened the door for her and helped her inside the car.

When they arrived to the venue, Alex and Jo hurried to take the kids out of the car and walk in the direction they had been told. Standing outside the room, Jo knocked on the door.

“Come in!”

The family of five walked in to see Izzie standing in an ivory gown with a giant smile on her face, “Oh thank God you’re here. I was worried you’d be late.”

“I can’t be late, I’m the maid of honor,” Jo pulled Izzie into a hug. “You look amazing. Decker isn’t going to know what hit him when he sees you.”

“Jo’s right. You look hot, Iz,” Alex grinned widely. “You’ve still got it.”

Izzie rolled her eyes, “Thank you.” She let out a shaky breath. “I’m kind of nervous.”

“Do you want to make a run for it?” Alex asked. “I’ll tell Mer to gear up the getaway car. We’ll leave the kids with Maggie and Amelia and the the four of us will be out of here before anyone notices.”

“No I don’t want to make a run for it. Can’t a girl be nervous? Weren’t you nervous to get married?” Izzie made a face.

“Nope,” Alex shook his head.

“Seriously? You didn’t get nervous? Not even when you married me?” Izzie’s face was painted with disbelief.

“When I married you, it was so last minute, I didn’t have time to be nervous. And when I married Jo, I’d never been more sure of anything in my life. Also, our wedding day was a mess and we had sex in a shed next to corpse and practically missed the entire thing,” Alex answered simply.

“Fair enough.”

“Just take a deep breath. You’ll be fine,” Jo placed a comforting hand on Izzie’s shoulder. “You two love each other and Decker adores Geo and Gabe.”

“Speak of the little devils,” Izzie chuckled as her sons barged into the bridal suite.

Geo had grown a lot in the past five years. At eleven years old, the boy was almost as tall as Izzie. His brown hair darkened a bit and started to curl slightly. He looked more and more grown up everyday.

Gabe had been adopted about four years ago at the age of three. Like Zola, Gabe had come to Grey Sloan for a surgical procedure as a toddler through the African exchange program that Alex had spearheaded. Gabe had needed surgery for a cardiac defect that Maggie had operated on. When Izzie heard that one of the little boys from the program was an orphan, she went to go meet him for herself and fell in love. The now seven year old was a boundless spring of energy that brought so much light and laughter into their lives.

“Mom!” The two boys gasped when they saw their mom standing in her dress. “You look so pretty!”

“She does, doesn’t she?” Jo smiled. “It’s almost time to start so you guys need to go find Decker and get ready, okay?”

The young boys gave their mom a hug and another compliment before making their way out the room. With a couple minutes left before the ceremony started, Izzie took another deep breath.

Meredith walked into the suite, “Okay. Our flower girls, Ellis, TJ, and Bella are ready. The ring bearers are with Decker and the groomsmen. The guests are all here. The priest is just waiting on you.”

“Let’s get you married,” Jo grinned excitedly and followed Meredith as she led the flower girls to the aisle.

Finally, it was just Izzie and Alex left, waiting outside the double doors for their turn to enter. Izzie bit her lip nervously, “Are you sure this isn’t weird? You walking me down the aisle? I mean you’ve seen me naked.”

“You know how many people I’ve seen naked?” Alex huffed a laugh. He extended his arm for Izzie to take. “No. It’s not weird. The past few years have been some of the best of my life. And not just because I married Jo and had three kids. Having you back has been great. You’ve become family. I’m so excited for you to get married and I feel honored that I get to be the one who walks you down the aisle. So, just shut up and start walking before I have to kick you down the aisle.”

And with that, Izzie realized that it had finally come full circle. Five years ago, she’d returned to Seattle with very little hope to cling to. Today, she had a family, a support system that was celebrating her as she finally got her happy ending. It might seem strange or unconventional to others, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

The end.

——————————————————————————

Hi guys! I hope you enjoyed the final part of this series. I loved writing this story. I'll confess, Izzie Stevens has never been one of my favorite characters, but writing this redemption arc and beautiful ending for her character, while preserving jolex is something that I wish we would've seen in canon. Let me know what you thought of this and don't hesitate to follow me on Tumblr @iamtrebleclefstories for more content!

[joyful-voyager]

Back Home

So.

Talked to my Dad on June 26. He was crushing one of the books I sent him for Father’s Day and he wanted to tell me all about it.

He missed our weekly Zoom chat on July 3; he’d forgotten to charge his iPad. Like the rest of us, he’s been under lockdown since mid-March, but it’s different when you’re 88 and live in an assisted living facility. Nobody in except staff, nobody out. Our only contact with him was virtual.

On July 5, one of my sisters got an aide to open the window in his apartment so they could chat for a bit through the screen. He seemed fine. Said he had a bit of a stomach ache, probably from the cafeteria food.

On July 6, he was rushed to the ER. He’d fallen twice that day and when he called for assistance the second time, the aide spent some time with him and decided that cognitively, he was a bit “off.” It’s always easy to tell when Dad’s a bit off; he’s a retired engineer who does the NYT crossword in ink. So you can tell when he slips a little. The aide called for assistance, and when the on-duty nurse got there, she decided Dad needed to see a doctor. So off to the ER he went. My brother and sister met him there. We all figured he had a UTI, a regular thing with him, and just needed antibiotics and fluids. “A couple days in the hospital and he’ll be right as rain,” my brother the paramedic said.

That was a Monday. By Wednesday it was clear he was fading fast. A CT scan revealed the source of his recurring infections. He needed surgery to bypass a leaky colon that was going to kill him. The surgery was scheduled for Thursday, July 9. When my sister met the surgeon, anesthesiologist, and nephrologist in pre-op, they all said the same thing: “High risk.” The surgery was probably going to kill him. And if it didn’t, he was going to be on dialysis for the rest of his life.

On Friday, my sisters and brother and I collectively made the decision to go with comfort measures only. Dad was too weak and too cognitively impaired to make the decision himself.

Due to COVID, the hospital would only allow one visitor per day ... until Sunday, July 12, when his team of doctors said it was time to call the family in.

My husband and I jumped in the car and drove 300 miles last Sunday. My sister met us at the hospital entrance. “It won’t be long,” she said. When we got to the hallway leading to his room, my brother stepped out and gestured for us to hurry. I entered my Dad’s hospital room just as he exhaled his last breath.

I wasn’t ready. I can hardly believe this has happened. My Mom died slowly for five long years. When she finally succumbed to her terminal illness, it was almost a relief. This is something utterly different. I talked to him on June 26 about the books we were reading, and all was well. Two weeks and two days later, he was gone. Three weeks after my last conversation with him, I was accepting condolences at his funeral.

I’m still in shock. The man who taught me to field a ground ball and bait a fish hook and make a plan to do anything is just ... gone. Leaving the funeral home on Friday was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My husband and daughter and sister practically had to drag me out of there. I just kept thinking that I didn’t want to leave him alone there, because he might wake up and have questions about what happened, or who was going to start for the Cubs on opening day.

It’s going to take me a while to get over this one, folks. I am utterly heartbroken.

[thetiredmom]

Sunday, July 5th, 2020

5:00am

I am sitting on my bed while my husband uses his phone to play his game. Our one year old daughter is fast asleep and has been asleep since 12am (I know, very late night). This quarantine has messed up my daughter & I’s sleep schedules.

My husband works at a lab Wednesday through Saturday from 4:45pm to 5:15am, so his sleep schedule has a valid reason to be the way it is. 

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant, but I turn 36 weeks tomorrow on Monday. I also have a OBGYN appointment tomorrow to schedule my C-section. My doctor advised that since I had a C-section under 18 months ago with my daughter, that it would be safe to have another one this time. She just sprung all this information up on me during my last appointment which was on Thursday. I wasn’t mentally prepared for a C-section and now that it’s been brought up to me, I have been freaking out.

All I remember about the recovery process with the C-section for my daughter is the PAIN. So, so, so much pain. I had to sleep sitting up with pillows supporting me for 2 whole weeks. I spent the majority of my days in my room with my daughter while my husband was at work. It was a hard recovery, but I still managed to get through it while also taking care of my daughter full time. My husband helped A LOT when he was home, but because of his work he wasn’t home that often. But it was okay.

This time, it won’t be like that. I will have a very energetic, very hyper, very fast and very needy one year old daughter to take care of as well. It’s hard running after her while this far along in my pregnancy as is. I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to do it while recovering from surgery and taking care of our newborn son on top of it all.

I don’t have any family that would help me here. So I would be all on my own during the days my husband would be at work. He offered to take two weeks off work to stay home and help, but we need for him to work. Bills don’t magically get paid by themselves.

On top of all of this, I’m currently taking online summer college classes. I enrolled in classes for this semester because I expected to try a VBAC this pregnancy, a Vaginal Birth After C-section. I guess I should’ve been smarter and prepared for the probability of another C-section. But for some reason, my mind was so set on a VBAC that I didn’t even consider another C-section at all. 

But of course, shit never works the way you want them too.

That’s why I decided to make this blog. I want to write down my days leading up to and after my C-section. I don’t see many posts, blogs or YouTube videos covering the topic of having a C-section with a toddler at home and NO ONE to help you. Everything I read stated how it was essential to have help and that was the only way to get through this.

Well, I’m going to write this for the mommy’s out there who have to do it on their own! 

Okay, I know. Too much energy for someone who’s up at 5am with no sleep the night prior. Let me try to get a few hours of sleep in before my daughter wakes up.

Until next time!

[desperationandgin]

Deep as the Road is Long (Part II, Chapter 16)

Rating: General Audiences

Also Read on: AO3

Previous Chapter

A/N: Surprise! A bonus chapter. I realize I haven't gone through and replied to anyone's comments for the last chapter that was posted. I need to and I will, but in the meantime, I wanted to offer a chapter early as my sincere and heartfelt gratitude. The feedback has been passionate all the way around regarding this story whether readers have been frustrated with Jamie, sad for him (sad for both of them) or firmly on Claire's side. I know I've said this before, but I really didn't think anyone would ever read a story with this specific subject matter; I was just writing it for me. So, I'm really touched and floored at the reception of it all. Here's hoping I stick the landing, and here's to goodbye to Part 2! 

Thank you all so, so much from the bottom of my heart. Part 3 begins on Thursday.

December 2016

When the monitors began to pick up the rhythm in which they beeped, when Faith’s breathing changed, Claire knew. She’d yelled, that much she remembers, the screaming for Jamie, for someone to find him. Without thinking, she’d climbed right onto the bed with the little girl, reached out to touch her cheek, to beg her not to go, not yet. There were no life-saving measures performed; that hurdle and those signatures from Jamie to not resuscitate had been taken care of two weeks ago. And so, all Claire could do was hold Faith as she took her final breath, unable to process that it happened, that she was gone. The only sound was the single tone until Jamie thundered in, looking like a complete mad man, eyes wild as he took in the scene in front of him. Never in her life had she felt so much like nothing, trying to apologize while cradling his dead daughter.

Eventually, she’d moved so that he could take over, pulling Faith to his body and crying in a way that was so loud and so guttural Claire thought he might die, too. In the immediate days afterward, she tried telling herself she’d lost patients before, that she’d been the witness to more parents’ tears of agony than she could remember, but even with that thought, she knew this was different. Different because she’d started to fall in love with Jamie and she already loved Faith. The pain, at that time, was unmatched by anything she’d ever felt in her life. Even her husband’s death. When the police notified her of Frank’s accident she’d felt numb, felt nothing for such a long time. When it happened, she couldn’t imagine anything that would ever feel worse.

She learned after Faith’s funeral, there’s always a worse.

She’d been able to feel it, the shift between her and Jamie. Claire knew it was only a matter of time before he told her to go. To his credit, he never said that, exactly.

Your best wasna good enough.

When he said it she’d known he was right; the rest of the fight (could she even call it that?) was a blur to her, registering his words and letting them settle on her heart. After getting on the plane back home, she’d cried (her poor seatmate) until the flight attendant brought whisky minis and an extra pillow. Sleep for the duration of the flight was fitful, but once she was home she’d collapsed in bed and hadn’t moved for twelve hours. The harsh light of day only served to bring into focus what she couldn’t do anymore: treat terminally ill children. Not until Faith died in her arms did Claire realize how many devastating moments she had already been witness to, and couldn’t bear the idea of going through more. She hadn’t stopped second-guessing herself, wondering if she’d done the right thing, if the treatment had been the right course. For an entire day, she’d pored over Faith’s chart and all of her medical records; it did nothing to help, nothing to ease Claire’s mind. She should have recommended surgery or donor stem-cells; anything but what she’d done.

The doubt hadn’t left by the time she returned to work and she knew the second she stepped foot in her office that this branch of medicine wasn’t something she could physically do anymore. That was the day she spoke to her direct superior and decided to take a leave of absence at the hospital, knowing upon her return (if she returned) it wouldn’t be to that wing. All of her current patients and courses of treatment were explained and passed on to the only doctor she knew would give the same level of care - Joe Abernathy. He was a good man, and as they’d hugged, he’d kissed the side of her head, knowing (even if he didn’t know) this last death had done a number on her. With one more sweep of her office, Claire’d left, gone home, and hadn’t returned. She’d always been good with money; it was the one thing her Uncle Lamb had never worried over in regards to her well-being. She had the rest of Lamb’s money to live on for a while, everything she’d inherited when he died, along with Frank’s life insurance money. All she’d done with the latter was pay for the funeral, everything else has been in a savings account, waiting for the day it could be put to good use.

June was spent doing as little as possible, not letting herself drink anymore but not doing much else in the self-care department. Tears seemed to turn on like a switch being flipped; dinner one night was pizza ordered in, and all it’d done was make her sob for two hours before going to bed without eating a single slice.

In July, she decided she wasn’t ready, that going to work wasn’t something she could stomach yet, and so she’d turned in her phone, the phone that technically belonged to the hospital. When she’d finally made the decision to replace it she was asked if all of her contacts should be imported to her new device, if her photos should be. With hesitation, she’d finally said yes to keeping everything; photos of Faith and Jamie. Jamie’s number. She’d kept it all even though looking at the pictures did nothing but hurt.

Finally, in August, Claire knew she couldn’t avoid making an income again, and so she’d applied for and accepted a job as a general practitioner in a pediatrician’s office. Sore throats and objects stuffed in noses, healthy babies at normal checkups, that’s what she could handle. It worked out, it eased her mind, and slowly she fell into a routine again that was hardly living. She existed in the world, and it would have to be enough. She wasn’t making decisions anyone put all of their hope into, she didn’t have to watch anyone suffer because she did something wrong. Weeks passed; she went to work, saw her patients, and went home. Forgiving herself was slow going, but eventually, the pressure in her chest eased just a little.

And then Jamie called.

It was early on an October morning; Fridays the doctor’s office was closed, so she was home when his name flashed on her caller ID. Jesus H. Christ. Mostly, she’d listened after she picked up. His words registered, that he didn’t truly blame her, but the way he’d looked at her when he said it--he’d meant it then. Maybe he didn’t believe it anymore, but he had then. She heard him say she hadn’t let him down around the same time she’d started to cry. He promised to call again, and he had. He’d called the next day, then the next. Sometimes they didn’t say much, just sat on the line with static between them. Other times they spoke in circles around Faith, not saying her name, but remembering.

By the time December rolls around, they’ve spoken every single night since late October, never missing, even if the conversations are short. They FaceTime every now and again, and when her phone rings today, she can see it’s for video. Looking at herself in her phone camera she groans at hair that’s a mess piled on top of her head, the reading glasses she’s wearing and the ratty t-shirt with holes she has on. He’s caught her cleaning, but still, she accepts the call.

“Good morning,” she greets him, holding the phone out. She has to puzzle out what’s filling the screen on his end, tilting her head from side to side before giving up. “What am I looking at?”

Jamie’s face finally comes into view and he sits back. She recognizes the room he’s in, the library at Lallybroch with all of its old books and secrets. “Afternoon, technically,” he corrects for his own time zone. Then, he shows her the book she’d had an extreme close-up of. “I’ve been going through the books, trying to make some sort of catalog so we know what we have,” he explains. “And this one, well. I thought perhaps ye might like it as a gift.”

She can see the author is e.e. cummings and raises an eyebrow. “A gift for me, really?”

“Aye. Because it’s an original edition.”

That gets her full attention, and Claire frowns in disbelief. “Jamie, why would you give that to me? You should keep it. That has to be valuable, or at least mean something to your family.”

He makes a noise in the back of his throat. “I thought that, until I started to read and--” he pauses, looking down at the book in his hand now, swallowing.

“What, Jamie?”

There’s quiet for a few beats before his gaze meets the camera again. “I started to read it and everything reminded me of ye. So, I thought the book should belong to you instead.”

A lump feels lodged in her throat and when she finds her words again, they’re quietly spoken. “Which poems?”

“Och, Christ, dinna ask me that,” he says in a rare show of, well. Not quite embarrassment, even though his cheeks do turn a little pink.

“I can’t take something from your home without knowing.”

There’s a long pause before finally, he opens the book and simply begins to read. She doesn’t recognize the words, but his voice and soothing lilt make her heart, for the first time in months, unclench a bit.

“My blood approves and kisses are a better fate than wisdom. Lady, I swear by all the flowers. Don’t cry--the best gesture of my brain is less than your eyelids’ flutter which says we are for each other. Then laugh, leaning back in my arms. For life’s not a paragraph. And death, I think, is no parenthesis.”

By the time he finishes there are tears threatening to fall from her eyes, and she takes a deep breath, sniffling and brushing any moisture away. “Reminded you of me?” she reiterates.

“I want ye to have it. And perhaps ye could come get it.”

She isn’t sure of what he said, still too wrapped up in the poem. When it registers, she furrows her forehead. “Come and get it?”

Jamie clears his throat, quiet as he waits for it to sink it.

When it does, Claire’s eyes go wide. The last time she’d been to Scotland it changed everything she thought she knew about her life. “You want me to come there?”

“Aye, I do. But if ye canna do it, if I ruined it, if I...what I’m trying to say, Sassenach, is that I dinna want ye to be alone for Christmas. Everyone here would be glad to see ye.”

“You...you would be glad to see me?”

Jamie nods, his gaze intent. “I shouldn’t have let ye leave the first time.”

He’s apologized so many times, tried to make it right, what he’d said, what he’d done. She believes him now when he says she did her best, when he tells her that he knows there was nothing else she could have done. It doesn’t inspire her to pick up where she left off, though. She’s happier now, content to answer the questions of first-time parents and assure them they’re doing just fine. Still, even with forgiveness, she never thought Jamie would ask her back to Scotland, that they would ever share the same space again. She hears herself saying she’ll come, though as she lays in bed that night after purchasing a plane ticket, she can’t quite believe it.

She’d tried, a little more than a year ago now, to wrap her mind around her feelings for Jamie; the attraction was there, no doubt. Now as she lays in bed, she wonders if they fell into one another because he was sad and she took advantage of him as he sought some sort of anchor. If she hadn’t done exactly that, then was Faith the only link between them? Without her, and with her death leaving such a large hole in both of them, would there be anything left with Jamie to salvage? This trip, she knows, will give them both the answer either way.

When she arrives and makes it down to baggage claim she sees him right away; he’s hard to miss, giant that he is. Making her way to him, there’s a moment of not being sure whether or not to hug him before his arms wrap fully around her.

It’s the best she’s felt since February.

“It’s good to see ye, Claire. In person, I mean.”

When he pulls back she immediately feels bereft, but there’s a small smile playing on her lips. “It’s good to see you, Jamie. You look well.”

He walks with her to get her bag, turning his gaze to her. “Speaking of looking well. Were those glasses in the video last we spoke?”

Grabbing her suitcase, she raises an eyebrow. “They were. For reading. I had to bite that particular bullet in September.”

“I havena seen ye wearing them before,” he says, wracking his brain and going through every FaceTime conversation they’ve had since October.

“I never happened to be wearing them. The other day I was cleaning, going through bills and organizing paperwork.”

“Ye should do more paperwork when I call,” he teases lightly, taking her bag from her to carry.

He liked her glasses, and Claire ducks her head a little as she walks behind him a bit, letting him lead the way to his car. It’s still there, she thinks. Whatever it was, the embers are still warm. She remembers how he made her feel, what the guilt was like when he’d told her it was her fault and hers alone that Faith was gone. It doesn’t go away with smiles and conversation, but he is trying to fix it. Day by day, he tries to add another suture to the wound he made. She knows he’s trying, knows he sees a therapist twice a week. He’s trying, and rather than shut him out, her heart tells her not to give up on Jamie.

At Lallybroch, that same sense of family she felt the first time she ever stepped inside envelops her now. It makes her feel connected to something, close to people who’d treated her like family. Instead of Jenny needing to warm up to her, Jamie’s sister greets her like an old friend with a hug, Ian replicating the gesture. The children dogpile her as well; even young Michael who was so small back in May offers her grins and lets her hold him on her hip as they walk to the living room. Claire hadn’t been sure what to expect; everyone still in mourning, maybe because she felt that way for a long while. But there are so many smiles and so much lightness that a peace she’s never been able to find on her own settles against her like a blanket.

This is what healing with family does, and she suddenly, desperately, never wants to let it go.

Instead of staying in Jamie’s room, this time she has her own, and she crashes almost immediately, sleeping through until breakfast the next day. She lets the chatter of family around a table wash over her, and on a walk with Jamie afterward, confesses to him she’s never had that.

Somewhere between the house and the stables, Jamie stops walking, turning to look at her fully before lowering his head. Tentatively, his hand reaches out, index finger hooking around hers. “I ken ye’ve been alone for a verra long time, Claire. I’ve been waiting to say this, was hoping to do it face to face, but…” When he looks at her again, meets her eyes, his own look like a raging sea. “I left ye to go toe-to-toe wi’ the grief alone. I pushed ye away and sent ye home to nothing. That ye found your way out of the dark anyway is a miracle. It took Jenny and Ian both to get me there. So it leaves me to believe one thing about ye.” Raising her hand, he kisses her knuckles before finally letting her go. “You’re stronger than I am, Sassenach.”

There’s a lump in her throat that she can’t quite swallow, and she shakes her head, wrapping her arms around herself. “I’m still in the dark, Jamie. Or at least the shadows. I don’t know anymore.”

“And that’s my fault,” he tells her; not a question. An acceptance. “I’m no’ sure why you're even bothering to give me the time of day, truth be told. I never expected ye to answer the phone when I called, or to keep doing so after the first time we spoke. I can never do or say enough to make what I said right.”

“I changed my entire life because of what you said to me, Jamie.”

“Claire, I--”

“No. No, I need to say this. I need to talk now.” She has no idea where that comes from, but he respects it, and once he nods for her to continue, Claire clears her throat. “I changed my life. I couldn’t stop second-guessing myself, I couldn’t...stop questioning every decision I was making about treatment plans, which meant I couldn’t do my job. And that was your fault.”

His head bows but he doesn’t interrupt.

“It was also your fault that I started thinking about all of the times I might have to go through this again. In my job, the ideal, obviously, is to beat cancer, and I have before. I know I would have again. But one more loss like that...I don’t think I could do it. I don’t think I could go through it and make it to the other side a second time. So, it’s your fault I realized I need to do something different. I need to see the joys of life through a child, not fear and pain and sadness.”

Jamie steps forward when Claire stops speaking, tentatively reaching up to stroke her cheek with his thumb. It’s a light touch, hovering almost. “I hurt ye. And no matter what revelations came of it, that will no’ change. I would spend the rest of my life making it up to ye if I could. If ye’d let me.”

Claire looks at up him, bringing a hand to rest over his that’s still tucked close to her face. “Faith brought us together, Jamie.”

“Aye,” he whispers, slowly moving until his forehead can press against Claire’s. “I will no’ let her be the reason we’re apart. Stay in Scotland. Stay for a while until the darkness is gone and there are no more shadows.”

For a moment her eyes close and all she can do is breathe him in. But she feels herself nodding, nose grazing his.

“Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.”

Through the darkness to the dawn And when I looked back, you were gone. Heard your voice leading me on Through the darkness to the dawn. Love is deep as the road is long And it moves my feet to carry on. It beats my heart when you are gone. Love is deep as the road is long.

Next Chapter

[blackkudos]

Star Jones

Starlet Marie Jones (born March 24, 1962) is an American lawyer, journalist, television personality, fashion designer, author, and women's and diversity advocate. She is best known as one of the original co-hosts on the ABC morning talk show The View, on which she appeared from 1997 to 2006. She was also one of sixteen contestants of the fourth installment of The Celebrity Apprentice in 2011, coming in fifth place.

Early life

Jones was born in Badin, North Carolina and grew up in Trenton, New Jersey with her mother, a human services administrator, and her stepfather, a municipal security chief.

Jones graduated from Notre Dame High School in Lawrenceville, New Jersey. She earned a B.A. degree in Administration of Justice at American University, where she was initiated into the Lambda Zeta chapter of Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority. Jones earned a J.D. degree from the University of Houston Law Center in 1986, and was admitted to the New York state bar in 1987.

Television career

From 1986 to 1991, Jones was a prosecutor with the Kings County District Attorney's Office in Brooklyn, New York. In 1992, she was elevated to senior assistant district attorney. She was recruited by Court TV in 1991 as a commentator for the William Kennedy Smith rape trial and spent several years as a legal correspondent for NBC's Today and NBC Nightly News. In 1994, she was given her own court show, Jones & Jury, which mimicked the arbitration-based reality format of The People's Court, though with a talk show like set as opposed to a courtroom set. Although the show was canceled after only one year, Jones became the first black person and female to serve as a television arbitrator of a courtroom series.

Jones then became chief legal analyst on Inside Edition, where she led the coverage of the O.J. Simpson murder case. She was the only reporter to interview Simpson during his civil trial, which she covered for American Journal.

The View

In 1997, Jones joined The View as one of its original four co-hosts. Jones's nine-season tenure on The View was marked by controversy at times. Jones, who had been diagnosed as morbidly obese, began to undergo dramatic weight loss beginning in 2003. In a September 2007 essay in Glamour magazine, she revealed that she had undergone gastric bypass surgery in August 2003, resulting in a loss of 160 pounds (73 kilograms) over three years. Many criticized Jones for her initial dishonesty when she claimed she had lost weight via diet and exercise. Barbara Walters told Oprah Winfrey in May 2008 that she had kept Jones' gastric bypass surgery a secret because Jones had asked her to, and that lying on the show turned the audience off.

Additionally, when she married investment banker Al Reynolds in 2004, Jones reported her wedding plans on The View for months beforehand, including "plugs" (public mentions) for her suppliers, such as the wedding invitations, clothing, and airlines. It was later revealed that Jones had pushed product-placement in exchange for receiving those products and services for free. ABC claimed that her excessive self-promotion alienated viewers. On April 21, 2006, Jones discovered that her contract would not be renewed for the following season. Her agent called her then husband Al Reynolds and informed him as Jones was in Phoenix at the time. Reynolds flew to Phoenix & told Jones her contract would not be renewed.

ABC, Barbara Walters and Bill Geddie then told Jones she could go out on "her own terms". They had collectively decided for Jones to announce her impending departure on Thursday, June 29, 2006, but Jones surprised her co-hosts by announcing it two days earlier on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 when they returned from their first commercial break that she would be leaving the show. She stated that she would remain on the show through July, and she would not return in the fall. She did not reveal during her announcement that her contract wasn't renewed. After Jones revealed her departure live on air, co-host Joy Behar jokingly said, "Who am I going to fight with now?" to which Jones replied, "I have a feeling you'll have someone else to fight with."

Despite this, Walters announced the next day that Jones would no longer appear on the show with the exception of previously recorded segments, publicly claiming feeling "betrayed" by Jones for unexpectedly making the announcement two days ahead of schedule. In an interview with People, Jones claimed the decision to leave was not hers and that in April, producers told her that her contract would not be renewed.Walters later stated that ABC executives had decided not to renew Jones' contract due to diminished approval for Jones through their market research.

Jones's contract was due to expire July 13, but after the program finished on June 27, ABC had discovered Jones had released an article with People magazine about her contract not being renewed, and that the decision to leave was not her own, saying, "What you don't know is that my contract was not renewed for the 10th season... I feel like I was fired." The next day, Barbara Walters gave a statement to the audience at the start of the program revealing that she had been "blindsided," and that Jones would no longer appear on "The View". When the series went into summer reruns, only programs in which she had been absent from the panel were rebroadcast. Jones was removed from the opening credits, leaving only Walters, Joy Behar, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Shortly after her dismissal, Jones appeared on Larry King Live to respond to questions about why ABC had refused to renew her contract. Regarding her wedding controversy, Jones insisted that every mention of her wedding had been specifically approved and negotiated by the network, and not in violation of any policy. She also denied that she had caused a ratings drop, and claimed that the ratings during the 2004-05 season were the highest The View had had in the nine years she was a co-host.

Jones' departure caused a rift between her and Walters that lasted nearly six years. In May 2008, in response to allegations in Barbara Walters's autobiography, Audition, Jones told US Magazine: "It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character." Walters did not respond.

On February 22, 2012, Jones returned to The View as a guest, and has made subsequent guest appearances since then.

truTV

On March 7, 2007, Jones announced that she would return to her original network, Court TV—now rebranded truTV—as its new executive editor of daytime programming, and that she would host an eponymous live weekday talk show based on the law and pop culture. Star Jones premiered on August 20, 2007, as a guest-driven live broadcast (with taped segments) covering recent stories from the worlds of pop culture, entertainment, crime, and justice.

Just six months later, her show was canceled, and it was announced that Jones was leaving truTV due to "changes in their programming selection." The final episode of Star Jones aired on February 1, 2008. Jones received the balance on her $24 million, three-year contract, and the network stated that Jones was eliminated from the channel's lineup because it deemed Jones "too serious" for its tabloid-focused coverage. However, according to The Washington Post, "[Jones's] show averaged 186,000 viewers and, by its final telecast, was down in the neighborhood of 85,000." In January 2011, the talk show was featured among "10 Notable Talk Show Failures" by CNBC.com.

Other appearances

From September 2004 to September 2005, Jones was a red-carpet host for the E! television network, conducting interviews at awards shows. E! declined to renew her contract after one year.

Jones has hosted or guest-hosted numerous cable programs, including the HGTV program House Hunters in New York City (which "scored the largest household ratings in the cable channel's history"), the Michael Eric Dyson radio show, Larry King Live (where she interviewed Beyoncé Knowles while King was on vacation), and The Bad Girls Club Season 2 reunion on the Oxygen Network.

In addition, she has made acting appearances on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (where she played a former incarnation of herself—a Brooklyn prosecutor named Star Jones—in the eighth-season finale), and as a judge in Drop Dead Diva in August 2012.

She has also served as a legal analyst for The Insider and Dr. Phil, and often appears on The Wendy Williams Show.

On July 17, 2009, Jones appeared on a celebrity version of Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, during which she won $25,000 to benefit The East Harlem School at Exodus House, a New York City middle school for underserved populations.

Jones was also a contestant on the fourth season of The Celebrity Apprentice. She placed fifth on the show, eliminated after her brand messaging efforts in a TV commercial for OnStar were not well received by the OnStar executives.

Books

Jones is the author of You Have to Stand for Something, or You'll Fall for Anything, a collection of autobiographical essays published in 1998. Her second book, Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love (2006), detailed changes she made to reshape her life, including her marriage and dramatic weight loss. She released a third book in March 2011, Satan's Sisters, a roman à clef about a fictional television talk show featuring five women of clashing temperaments. A scripted television series based on Satan's Sisters, titled Daytime Divas, aired for one season on VH1 from June 5 to July 31, 2017. Jones served as an executive producer on the series, and guest-starred as herself in the July 24, 2017, episode.

Affiliations

Jones is the President of the National Association of Professional Women (NAPW). She created the organization's philanthropic endeavor, NAPW Foundation, to benefit the American Heart Association, of which Jones is also a National Volunteer; the Breast Cancer Research Foundation; Dress For Success and Girls, Inc. Jones also conducts regular visits to NAPW Local Chapters and hosts the organization’s annual National Networking Conference.

Jones is also the president of Professional Diversity Network (NASDAQ: IPDN). She is also a member of its board of directors, becoming the youngest of a small circle of African-American women in the US leading a public company.

Personal life

Jones underwent gastric bypass surgery in 2003. She lost 160 pounds as a result of the procedure.

Jones married investment banker Al Reynolds on November 13, 2004. Reynolds proposed to Jones during the 2004 NBA All-Star Game. Amid much publicity, the wedding was held at Saint Bartholomew's Church in New York City in front of five hundred guests and featured three matrons of honor, twelve bridesmaids, two junior bridesmaids, three best men, twelve groomsmen, three junior groomsmen, six footmen, four ring bearers, and four flower girls. More than thirty corporate "sponsors" donated wedding attire and merchandise for the event in exchange for mentions in the media and on Jones's website. After the wedding, Jones began using the name "Star Jones Reynolds" professionally, but reverted to "Star Jones" in 2007, telling Entertainment Weekly that she wanted to keep her public persona separate from her private self. On March 9, 2008, Jones and Reynolds announced they were divorcing.

On March 17, 2010, Jones underwent cardiac surgery related to a surgery she had three decades earlier for a thoracic tumor.

On October 24, 2017, Jones went public with her engagement to Ricardo Lugo, who recently worked in the Cook County State’s Attorney’s Office. Lugo was employed as an assistant state's attorney from April to August, according to a State’s Attorney’s Office spokesperson. He was one of 17 prosecutors laid off because of county budget issues.

Jones married Ricardo Lugo on a cruise ship in the Bahamas on Sunday, March 25, 2018.

[theretirementstory]

Frosty Sunday morning It’s a crisp, frosty morning here this morning but I think not since I was a child have I looked out onto a frosty field with mist rising from a body of water, onto the glorious hues of the trees in their autumn foliage and marvelled at the beauty of nature. The views from my home are amazing to behold. When I lived in the town, I loved looking out onto the 12th century church and being surrounded by amazing houses some of which are almost 500 years old, however, it is being close to nature which really appeals to me. Just from the most simple things like watching the birds in my garden and appreciating the sky and clouds from my armchair. Last night as I was about to close the bedroom shutter I was rewarded with an amazing view of the moon and stars. Monday saw me at the Armistice Day service and it was quite a lovely day with sunshine, not like last year when it poured down. I first met Gilles (the husband of one of my knitting friends), then I spotted a man from the bar, after that it was a couple who had lived near me in town and of course the Maire came over and shook hands with everyone waiting at the Hotel de Ville before the service started. I have been three times to this service and each time have said I will go and have a drink in the town hall afterwards but have never done it, oh well next year..... I was up early on Tuesday as I had understood that the doctor was going to ring me on the morning, as to why had caused a few restless nights sleep but I was waiting within earshot of both mobile and landline. As you will have guessed no call came so at 2pm I was in the doctors surgery saying that no call had arrived. It appeared that I should have called to make an appointment, anyway an appointment was duly made. In the afternoon I was at physio and of course when I arrived home I fell asleep! The doctors appointment was Wednesday and I came away with two lots of cream, tablets (I hate taking tablets) and a letter for an appointment with a dermatologist. I had asked Marlene to come for coffee and cake this afternoon and she arrived not only with a bag of vegetables but also a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates and a jar of honey (straight from the hive). We had a lovely time, of course she wanted to see some photos of my gorgeous granddaughter and she said how adorable she is. Well I am the proud Grand-Mere so I would think that too. Just thinking about it Marlene, Monique and Marie-Therese although having children themselves none of them are grandmothers. Thursday I decided to ring and make the appointment with the dermatologist myself, last time I needed an appointment Monique rang and arranged it all for me. Well it really was quite simple although the dermatologist is based in Reims he does a surgery in town on a Tuesday. The earliest appointment is 24 March so it is booked. Then I started to prepare soup, I had an abundance of oranges so made carrot, orange and ginger soup. Now the thought of this mix has never really appealed to me but I was amazed at just how delicious it was, plus it is packed with vitamins which help to boost a low immune system. I had also taken the time to ring through (my weekly call) to find out when I could expect my driving licence. Yet again I was told to be patient……….I really think that I have been patient I would just like re-assurance that someone is doing something. It was just after 13.30 when my doorbell rang……..could it be the postman with the licence? No, it was Marie-Therese bearing the most gorgeous Poinsettia, I felt really awful as I was unable to make coffee for her as I had to be at the dentist at 14.00. I had told her last week that I was unavailable this week but I think that at 83 years some things do slip her mind. Then I was in the dentist chair and Dr Brown was working on my poor tooth, yes it needs a crown, did I want metal or ceramic? Well years ago I had a gold crown on a back tooth and apart from the fact that if I ate a toffee it always managed to pull the crown off, I also managed to wear through the gold on the top (I grind my teeth at night), consequently, I said ceramic. Well the quote for the ceramic crown is maybe not as eye-watering as it might have been but it does seem that purchasing furniture for my bedroom will have to go on the back burner! Date set for the crown 2 December. Then it was time for physio again, I am hoping that next week maybe my last week. Well I won’t be able to go the following week as I am in Alsace. I had a sleep in on Friday, so when the doorbell rang, I was not really dressed to answer, but answer I did and there was the postman with, yes you have guessed, my driving licence. I wanted to kiss him, he could not have made me happier. Then I was busy doing washing and getting ready to go to teach knitting to some of the women refugees. One lady turned up with her son (about 3 years) and a baby, then the Afghan lady and the Pakistani lady arrived then later an Iranian lady arrived with a little girl of about 2 years.. Well it had been difficult to keep the 3 year old occupied but now with a 2 year old as well. All was quiet for a while as they were using felt pens to colour……...not on the paper provided but on the laminate flooring. We quickly got a mop and hopefully it was totally removed. It was difficult for them to master casting on but one lady did manage it and another made a video of me casting on so that she could watch that. The next step was to start the knitting. I smiled as I remembered learning to knit with my mum, how it was so easy to drop a stitch then trying really hard to pick it up again. I also remember ending with more loops than I started with, how did that happen? Anyway, we persevered until 3.30pm and then I headed off to the bar. While I was out I received a message from the decorator, he will come to do the work starting 2 December, I must go and drop a check off for him as a deposit. Arriving home, my trousers felt a tight around my middle so I undid them. The doorbell rang and I was hanging onto my trousers whie I unlocked the door. There were two Sapeur Pompiers there and one spoke so quickly I had to get him to repeat it. They were delivering their calendar, I went to get my purse and realised that I didn't have much money. Anyway I gave them a load of change and they gave me the calendar but not before I flashed them some tummy flesh. Goodness only knows what they thought. Then it was Saturday and although I had wanted to do washing I missed cheap electricity time as I was out shopping. I had called into town to post a letter, then decided to “promenade” down the main street to the bar. I met an old neighbour, Colette, and she introduced me to her son. He heads a PR firm in Paris and spoke very good English. We had a lovely conversation and then I bid them farewell. I arrived at the bar just as my neighbour was leaving, he is a real gentleman, removed his hat, shook my hand and asked how I was. Then after ordering my coffee and picking up the paper, another friend Yves came to speak to me, telling me he had wished me good morning at Carrefour but my head was in the clouds. I never saw him at all! Then I went home and decided to cook yet more soup for the freezer with the remaining vegetables. I had just sat down and was considering looking to see if Poirot was on, when my telephone rang, it was Anie she was going to Carrefour could she call and say hello. Sure enough she did, arriving with a little bunch of flowers from her garden, we had coffee, cake and a good chat. She looked out of the window and noticed my alstroemeria and suggested that I brought them into the garage. Now the thing with the garage is....I get the car in but there is not a huge amount of space either side and as I have the lawnmower, oil filled radiator, storage box etc etc at the bottom there is not a lot of space for anything else. Well as it was freezing cold when she was leaving I did go round and bring them into the garage. I am now reading up on how to overwinter them. This week has left me feeling very happy, knowing I have such good friends and that this move has been beneficial to my health and well-being. I would say to anyone, especially if you are on your own, make your dream a reality, whether it is learning a language, or giving up your old life to start a new one, you are never too old. Bon dimanche

[kim-isnt-seaweed]

^^those photos are all taken by me. Use them ig you want but please credit me.

Hello people!

How was your week? I had a fairly good week, it was hectic and tiring but it was good until i caught a cold.

Monday: Monday since i didnt have to work i stayed home laminating my interactive material and when T came home from work we went to Emart. He bought me a really cute watch since i needed it for classes since i didnt want to keep checning my phone, he wanted to buy a smart watch for both of us (hahaha i sound like we can just buy those things whenever we want but no, we save up for those type of things) but i dont want one because i geniuenly dont have a need for one, anyway we bought stuff at emart and came home. I thought at the time i had avoided the cold i thought i caught on Sunday.

Tuesday: went to work, every tuesday staff reuinion at the center and then i went to my first class the 27 m/o baby, he is really cute and you can notice he is somewhat understanding what i am teaching him but he cant speak yet so its tough to tell for sure. The second class was new kid i was added and he is the type of kids that ..are difficult, the mother had forgotten the class was on tuesdays at 6:30 and my boss forgot to call her to confirm (usually teachers do that but she said since im a forgeiner she would do it) besides they gave me the families old address thankfully the new house was a street away. The boy was not having it, he did not want to have class and he was just doing whatever the fuck he wanted, most of my students are young so its normal for them to get distracted but you can tell the difference when they get natrually distracted because they include me in their distraction for examole the baby boy keeps trying to gwt mw to play ball with him, or anotherone that just telling me about pokemon but this boy did not give a fuck about me or the class he was just difficult but i was like whatever i will go through if the class and maybe its just because he's tired, so who knows but when i was going his mom gave him an orange and he just threw it on the floor and smeared it with his foot as if it was funny and his mom said nothing so ..he still seems a bit difficult.

Wednesday: t was at home for the morning but had to go to work that night so i decided to make lunch for both of us: carne asada, refired beans a co-worker who grew up in Guatemala gave me and cilantro rice i made with the left over cilantro the Pho place gave me. I went to work at 4, and when i got to my students house i noticed he had a cold and i immediately was like "uh-oh" you know how kids are (he is 3) they dont cover their nose, whipe their nose with their hands and then touch you and your stuff. After class i came home and later that night my throat started feeling weird.

Side note: my mom would always make soup and salad everyday for lunch and dinner (same thing for both meals as is common in Colombia) and without fail they had cilantro ALWAYS! So i grew up eating cilantro, but it wasnt until i moved to Korea and the first time eating mexican food with T he was like "oh no the taste of cilantro is too strong i cant eat this" and i was like "Cilantro has a taste????" Like i grew up eating that in soups and stuff, never on its own so i never recognized the taste, let alone believe it was strong, i just thought it was a must for food like salt or whattever, the only other thing i new of cilantro was that it makes you sleepy, so if there was too much on our food it was like "mom is trying to make us chill" idk if its true or its just placeboo at this point since i grew up hearing it thus believing it. So yeah, i didnt know cilantro had a taste of its own until i moved to Korea, thankfully T has learned to like it but he judges me when i add a bit too much.

Thursday: my throat was even more irritated that morning but i felt fine in general, t had the day off so i made lunch again: arroz con pollo. I went to work, T took me to my classes on his new scooter motorcycle and while he waited he went shopping. My second student on thrusdays is a bitbhard because he is all over the place distracted and skipping all the steps but its okay because at least he looks excited for the class. Then i had my last class and went out to eat dinmer with T, by this time my throat was in so much pain it hurt to talk but the rest of me felt fine, we went to Kondae to eat Makchang (i think its the large intestine of the pork) and then i bought a leather jacket more like i bought a fake leather jacket because T has been dying to see me in a leather jacket (boy shoulda seen me at 16) idk why so now he can finally stop talking about it.

Friday: my throat felt better so i thought i had avoided getting a cold, i went to the center to pick up my class materials for next week and for the new student on fridays my boss had only told me about the night before. I went back home and since T again had the day free we went to the bank to open a family account, then he took me to my class, i was nervous because i had been told the kids mom is scary but when i arrived there (a bit late since i had forgotten something and had to go back to the center) they were so nice, their appartment is amazing, its huge and has a beautiful view people say celebreties live in those buildings too which explains the amount of security in the complex which is odd for most korean apartments. The mom was so nice, the dad too and their little boy is wonderful too so idk what they wete talking about tbh. When class finished we came back home, took all my pants (all except one i recently bought) a skirt and a dress to the seamstress because they were too big on me now and the lady was like "why are they so big??" "Its hard for you to find clothes the fit well, right? (it is) since you have a butt (i dont i just store most of my fat in my thighs and hips but not the butt) but your waist is so small" then when she got to the dress she seemed troubled because it was more work than what it seemedm we paid 90 bucks which is apparently expensive? Idk how since she has to do a lot of work on my clothes, 7 items and 2 items for T. Then we came home and i started to feel sick again, when bed time came i was completely sick.

Today: sleeping was terrible, i kept choking in my sleep because i have a stuffy nose and a very swollen throat. T woke up at all hours trying to help me feel better, giving me wster and medicine, i felt so bad since he had to wake up early but there he was taking care of me at like 4 am. When he woke up for work all i remember is him telling our cat "Bean, mom is sick be nice to her today and take care of here" aside from that being cute on its own i actually think she listend to him, although bean is very sweet she has moments when she likes to bully me, trip me ovet, bite my legs or scratch my hands (only me she never does that to T even if he was the one annoying her she takes it out on me) but today she has been so sweet and calm, no yelling or demanding snacks, no bullying just love.

At one my MIL took me to the doctors, they somehow always mention the fact i got surgery on my nose for allergy reasons and say something i cant fully understand and no one can translate for me but i am starting to feel the surgery was a waist of money, my allergies are back (not as bad as before but their back) and everytime i get a cold it fucks me up so hard. Then when comming home my MIL bought me so much pastries and bread because i didnt want lunch or let her pay for my medicine.

Sometimes i look at T and feel so lucky i have a husband that is so sweet, selfless and careing but then i see his parents and im like yep that makes sense. His parents have always been so sweet and understanding, the accepted me for me get go and have always treated me like a daughter, sometimes i tease T telling him his dad loves me more than than him haha his parents helped pay for my surgery back when we had only been dating for a year (my parents couldnt afford it i mean back at home they could but Korean money is much more expensive than Colombian money) and now everytime i mention trying to pay them back they wont have it.

I also noticed i have three big bruises on my legs i have no idea where they came from. Its annoying because everytime i hurt myself and say "oh this is gonna leave a bruise" there is no bruise to be found, but then these bruises appear and its like for you to be so big and persistent shouldnt i remember what your from???

Tomorrow: T and i finally both have the same free day, but this fucking cold will probably ruin it all so who knows.

Anyways that was my week, i hope you all had a good week too!

[chubbychummy]

Positive Week

This past week, I have spent only 2 out of 5 work days in the lab. I have otherwise been at some course in centre city (it’s about an hour away).This has been a good change of pace for me and tbh it just kind of pushes back the work I need to be doing but I think it is a much needed break.

Also a good chance for me to socialise — as I live outside of city centre, it is usually a lot of time/effort for me to get into the city. I have to plan for it. But spending all day here for the course, I was able to do things I would not have otherwise been able to doTuesday afternoon during the lunch break, I ran all over the city going to pharmacies trying to find T which apparently ran out of stock in all of France. I didn’t get all that I needed but it was enough so that was awesome. I won’t have to worry about that again til May.

Thursday, I had the chance to use my lunch break to change my transportation plan from monthly unlimited to what I should have had to begin with: pay as you go. I seldom use public transport since I usually just use my bike. I would have saved about 20€ a month which is nothing to shy from. But I won’t look at sunk costs I spent hat I could have saved. Just nice knowing that starting in May I will start saving money from this change ^^ I should have changed it many months ago (like a full year ago), but again, life came up and it’s hard to juggle everything I have going on. I’m just happy that in the future, I will not be spending unnecessary money on this

Tuesday evening I met up with Delphine. We just sat around and chatted for a bit - it was really low key. She was catsitting for a few days and I got to hang out with a super adorable and nice black longhair kitty (named Negro lmaoooo so they just call him bébéchat) Anyhow it was super super low key but it always just puts me in a good mood to see her. Later that night I went to the bar to a regular meetup type deal and chatted with some new folks I have not met before. Also relatively low key but it was just nice. ^^ Wednesday was a very inefficient day hahahh. (Monday was super super efficient- I worked essentially nonstop from 9am-7pm barely stopping for food. But I was on a good roll. Wednesday was not so efficient hahahh. But that’s okay.) crashed Wednesday night at 8:30pm and had a first long sleep in a week, which was good and my body needed it.Thursday back to the course — but it was a new course! Actually by the same instructor! I had not originally signed up for it but wanted to attend. And she said that she was looking for more students so I was welcome! Which was cool! Upside: I get to complete this course and add like 18h more to my training repertoire, it is in English so it’s easy for me, I am already familiar with the instructor, etc. downside: I still have some administrative stuff I need to sort out in centre city but I literally don’t have the time unless I take a vacation day to get it done, but I feel like I have too much work rn to try to take any day off in the next two weeks. This is my visa and residence permit thing. I needed to have done this two weeks ago hah. But anyhow. It was good that I got in this course - and how!

So there were two girls in this course also, one of whom talked to me (she’s very very talkative) and it was awesome! which is not very typical of a French person, but she did and it was awesome. (She is also fluent in German!)Anyhow the course was very cool and frankly I just felt good about the interactions. ÚwÙ Thursday evening, I had the second to last operation for my tooth surgery shitPutting in the anchor — it was back close to where I live which is 1hr away. So I hopped back on the tram then bus and made it there, got it done (it was fast!!) and it was only 19h20. There was some thing I had in my google calendar in centre city I thought I couldn’t go to cuz of the dentist thing but it was at 19h30, and honestly knowing French people, people always arrive fashionably late. So if I hopped right back on a bus/Tram from the dentist, I could get back to centre city by ~8pm so I did just that

The thing in my google calendar was at the Maison de Chercheurs, but my lab was having an outing elsewhere. So I figured okay, i would go to the one with the people from my lab. Tbh it wasn’t super great for me but also I’m still super glad I went cuz at least it completely eliminated FOMO, and honestly almost everyone was there. Like 20+ people. I hardly talked to anyone, but I was present. I did chat a little bit and the little I talked was fun. I think it was rly good I was there too cuz also I talked with the Portuguese intern who was there (she doesn’t speak French, so it was tough for her. There is only one other non francophone and he is Italian but Luca was there as well.) so she was rly alone and I’m glad I was there at least to chat with her occasionally. Anyhow it was good even if it wasn’t gr8, but I’m still very very glad I went(  Plus since I had been working so much on my own this whole week - and last - I had hardly had time to see folks in the lab)  So then Friday. Was tired waking up having only slept some 5 hours, but what was off to a tired start turned into a really good day.I didn’t pay too too much attention in the course today (had trouble focusing bc tired hah) but then around lunchtime, he girl who sat next to me yesterday (and her friend with whom she works — same cohort) invited me to lunch with them For some reason my student restaurant card doesn’t work here in centre city, so I couldn’t really pay the food things here (I was ready to pay a more expensive price with my bank card or cash but I don’t think they accept either), but one of the girls covered me. Albeit it’s only like €3, but still. (Whereas I think it’d be like 6€ idk)So I had lunch with them - chicken, fries, a dessert, and appetizer ! Good shit! And had a chance to talk to them about some stuff too so that was cool. It’s just rly nice talking with folks and meeting/getting to know new people.

Was late coming back (got scolded by the instructor), but it’s also okay. We worked on an activity where we essentially pretended to be journalists and interviewed one another about our thesis projects and I sat next to and worked with/interviewed this new girl who spoke a very fluent English! And !!!!!!! It was amazing ??????Idk you know when you instantly just click with someone And then like when that happens you kind of ?? Keep clicking ????Like repeatedly as the interaction continues, you just kind of keep clicking multiple times and it never seems to rly stop and you’re just like ??? God??? I rly get you?????? It was like that with her and it was too coolLike someone else in the class actually called out my name to tell me to lower my voice cuz I didn’t realise I was speaking too loudly — I was just ??? Really excited and enthusiastic???!?Anyhow it was just rly awesome and I was like “actually can I get your contact info later bc I would really love to talk”And we kind of had a chance in this mock interview to give each other mini professional life stories (like life stories but only what is pertinent to our professional work track I guess) and idk it was rly coolSo anyhow at the very end of the course I was getting ready to ask her to exchange contact info but she asked me firstLike literally as I was opening my mouth to ask, she was like “actually if you don’t mind—“ and I thought it would have to wait but then she straight up asked me for my contactsAnd so we sort of excitedly parted waysI considered going to the administrative building afterward (closes at 16h30 — it was 16h45 already by now) to see if I might catch someone ask they’re leaving, but also it takes like ten minutes to walk there so I decided against it in the endI was heading back to the classroom building figuring I could just spend 1.5-2hours chilling on discord or twitter while changing my phone and waiting until 18:30 cuz I told someone I’d get a drink with him later that evening. But when I turned around, the other girl was there and she waved and walked over and we chatted some more. Like where are you headed? Just going back home. You live in centre city? Yeah just around the corner. So I offered to walk her home cuz I have no other plans for the next two hoursShe asked if I had seen Les Machines (I had), and she admitted that since coming to Nantes in October (she is from Le Mans just a few hours northeast ), she hasn’t actually gone out and seen much. She bought the new assassin’s creed so she’s just been going home and playing video games all night lolBut she asked if I was down to just walk around and I’m like ?? Absolutely?? I love walking??I suggested the park, which is honestly beautiful - esp on a beautiful day - so we proceed to take the ugliest ass most inefficient route to walk there. But it was okay cuz we kinda just talked the entire time so it was fine.She’s rly rly cool and anyhow we got to the park and just continued talking while walking in the park. Eventually after hanging out with some goats, we saw there was another girl from the same course, who had her husband and her kids with her. So we just stood around and chatted for like another hour or so

Eventually it was 18h30 so I was like huh should probably meet up with that guy I said I’d get drinks with, so we headed in that general direction while still talking. Passed by a... spontaneous mini local food market? So I sent the message to the guy to come over cuz there’s something going on here. And the girl and I awkwardly accidentally walked out of the market cuz it’s rly rly small and takes about 30 seconds to walk through, and we’re just trying to decide what to do. Get a coffee? (She’s Muslim so no alcohol - also I seldom drink and I don’t prefer it). Or a kebab?  She wasn’t hungry but also admitted she didn’t have money on her, and I told her not to worry - my treat. We ended up going back to the tiny food market and I got us both some granola and fruit leather? As a snack cuz she wasn’t rly hungry. But that way we could sit around and chat and munch while waiting for my other friend to show He eventually came and we walked around together but then the girl left (said she had to go home, but tbh I think she had a fear she might have been imposing?)Anyhow I ended up walking and talking some more with the other friend (Canadian guy) and we ended up in some restaurant (oops my bad I thought it was a bar— he likes beers and said he wasn’t that hungry, so a little awk that this turned out to be a restaurant). But anyhow, he got some beers and I got a sausage platter to share for us.And we spent the rest of that night kind of just sharing life experiences and discussing doctorate struggles and remarks about French culture and our experiences and anecdotes and shitIt was just a really really good night

[kee-writestrashh]

Guns for Hire

Ramsay Bolton x reader

ao3

Summary:  You are the wife to the Heir of the Red Kings, Ramsay Bolton. living the undercover life of a mob wife has its perks, and you love your husband. But you find out something that seems to unfold a series of unwanted events…

Chapter 44: Public Enemy No. 1

Damon fell heavily into the cushion beside you. Dropping a cardboard box at his feet.

Startled, you looked up from your magazine, sitting up straight, eyeing him carefully.

"Where's Ramsay?" He asked, looking around slowly.

You shrugged, "dunno. Assumed he was with you."

"But he's definitely not here?"

"Uh... no?" You said, unsure, taking in how serious Damon looked.

"Good. We need to talk." He said with a small sigh.

"What's up?" You asked, curiosity peaked.

"You should never have gotten pregnant." He said bluntly.

"Well that is about the rudest fucking thing anyone has ever said to me!" You hissed, puffing up, slapping his shoulder with your magazine.

"I know, and I'm sorry. Really. But it's pushed Ramsay over the edge and I'm afraid for him."

"What do you mean afraid for him?" You asked slowly.

"Do you think Ramsay is the only one with a legitimate degree? I'm not stupid or uneducated, (y/n). I've known Ramsay since we were five. Ramsay... he's... well, he is the most unstable person to ever walk this earth. We went to college together. While he got his accounting degree I opted for psychology. I was never going to use it for anything, but I wanted to understand my best friend. Ramsay is like my brother. We've done everything together, our whole lives. He's a strange case. He's been labeled under every personality disorder in Cluster B. Antisocial, histrionic, paranoid, dependent, borderline, ya know."

"So why are you telling me this?"

"Because you are Ramsay's favorite person. They say that affects borderline only, but he's not the average case. Hell, I don't even know how much of what he does or has done is legit. So he can't be pinned to a single disorder, or even a handful. He's been shunted through six different therapists, and they all observed different and conflicting behaviors. But you are his person. I don't envy you in that. Better you than me. You give him everything he has ever needed or wanted. You love him. You engage in his weird pain fetishes. You take care of him. You baby him. You challenge him. You enable him. Ramsay doesn't live in reality. Not ours anyways. But you keep him grounded."

You scoffed.

"Tell me, have you ever had to sit up with him all night and talk him out of suicide simply because he is so bored he's tired of life? Have you ever had your ass beat by him trying to wrestle a gun from him? Have you ever had to sit there and watch him mutilate himself? Because I have. Do you know why he took part in his sick game of roulette that night you were kidnapped? Because he's played it many times with himself. It's a challenge. He has it down to a science. I don't know how he does it. He says it's no more than counting cards. I'll give him the bragging rights with his numbers. He's a fucking genius. Too fucking smart. It detaches him from reality. Then there's you." He said, giving you a long look.

It was like you had just met him all over again, for the first time. He played stupid on purpose. You should of known that. Ramsay wouldn't have Damon as his right hand if he was an idiot. There had to be more to it, other than them knowing each other forever. You felt a bit embarrassed that the thought had never occurred to you before now.

"I have observed his behavior change since you came into his life. And how different he has been since you got pregnant. He worships you and holds you up on a pedestal. Never has anything affected him as much as you. He loves you, in his own way. I really believe that. I know what he did and what happened two years ago when he hurt you in his drunken fit. (Y/n), it tore him up. I have never known him to regret anything he has ever done. But that. He hated himself. That is how much you hold over him. It's scary. You go against everything he is in his head. That's why he is always going. As long as he is doing something he can avoid himself. But when he has to sit and do nothing he gets lost in his head. You can't let that happen."

"So...?" You asked.

"If you fuck up, all of this... everything we have will blow sky high. Ramsay will finally snap."

"I... I don't know what you're talking about." You lied, looking away.

Damon gave a dry laugh, "You may have Ramsay fooled, but not me. You aren't married to a man like him for almost three years and then suddenly decide you want to play the game. He might seriously be oblivious to you and whatever you're trying to do, or maybe not. Maybe it's a game to him. But I am an outsider looking in. Just... don't fuck up."

The dam broke. "Damon, help me. Please. I don't know what to do. I don't want to play the game. I hate all of this. I just want to keep my husband safe."

"You can't. And you're too far in to back out now."

"It is his life we are talking!" You said, furiously wiping tears away with a sniff.

Damon sighed, "there is nothing I can do. I don't even want to know the disastrous secret you're keeping. However, Ramsay is my brother. Therefore, I will do what I can to keep him safe. Just... take care of him. You are his foundation. Don't crack. If you do, we all go down. Honestly, I'm a bit selfish and like where I'm at. So keep it that way."

You swallowed thickly, staring at the corner of the rug, which had started to curl upwards as Moose had taken to chewing on it.

"Roose is going to kill him." You said, not looking at Damon.

Your phone rang, Rams.

"Hello baby." You said, hitching a smile and adopting a gentle tone.

"Hey doll. I wanted to ask if you needed anything before I came home?"

"Just you."

"I can do that. Be there in forty five. I love you."

"Be careful. I love you too." You said, hanging up.

"Right then, I'm out of here. Think on what I said." Damon said, nudging the box towards you, rising from his seat and leaving before you could say another word.

You leaned over the couch to open the box. It was full of pictures and newspaper clippings. You pulled the first picture you could reach. It was Ramsay and Damon, circa 2006. You grinned at their baby faces. But then the smile dropped. This would of put them at 15. Ramsay had committed his first murder a year previously, at 14, if what he had told you was true.

You pulled the box closer, going through the pictures. Ramsay and the Boys at high school graduation, looking stoned as could be. His college graduation. Him and the Boys at parties, school functions, and Ramsay's boxing days.

You picked up a very battered picture, holding it close. Ramsay and his mother. He looked so much like her it was mind blowing. Same dark hair and blue eyes. She was pretty, and didn't look like a whore. But you knew better than to judge a book by the cover. Ramsay had to of been 10 in this picture. His mother's smile was genuine. It made your heart hurt. How different would he be if she were still alive?

You picked up the first newspaper article.

Bolton to take the ring Thursday night

Ramsay Bolton, 18, son of Business Tycoon, Roose Bolton, is the newest boxing champion to take the city by storm. The Mad Dog is currently undefeated and looking to gain fame in the boxing world...

You took in the picture in with a grin. Ramsay sporting a black eye, arm raised in victory by the ref. You thumbed through the other articles. All the same, until you reached the last one.

White Wolf vs. the Mad Dog

In a big upset Friday night, undefeated champion, Ramsay 'Mad Dog' Bolton was defeated by rival Jon 'White Wolf' Snow. Seven rounds of carnage ended in a broken shoulder and collar bone for Bolton. Snow emerged victorious with a broken hand, nose, and many ribs after Bolton was not able to get himself off the ground. Will there be a rematch in the future or has the Mad Dog been put down for good?

You looked at the large picture above the article. Whoever had taken this shot was lucky. It had to be the exact moment of the bones breaking as Jon Snow looked in pain and panic, Ramsay also looking pained and rage written as clear as day on his face as the realization hit him that it was over.

Ramsay entered the living room through the kitchen. Apparently it was custom now to not use the front door?

You finished reading your mother's text before acknowledging your husband:

[Mom: hey baby. Your father is having surgery on Tuesday. We will be coming in on Monday evening sometime. Hope to see you.]

"Where did all this come from?" Ramsay asked, pulling the box towards him as he sat down beside you.

"Damon. He brought it by earlier, but you weren't here so..." You said, setting your phone down and watching him closely as he pulled pictures from box, slowly examining each one.

It was hard to tell what you were seeing on his face. He never smiled or frowned as he looked carefully at each picture. But his eyes held all the emotion or lack of. You had no idea. Damon's words echoing in the back of your mind.

"He's a sentimental fucking pussy, isn't he?" Ramsay finally said with a dark smirk.

"I think it's sweet." You said slowly.

He was clutching the picture of him and his mother as he turned his head to you.

"What was her name?" You asked cautiously, nodding at the picture he held.

He looked back down at the picture with a frown and was quiet for a few moments.

"Emma. Emma Miller." He said, dropping the picture back in the box and pushing it away from him.

"Did you love her?"

Ramsay fixed you with a hard look. Finally he shook his head, "No. I don't think so."

"Do you love me?" You asked before you could even register the words.

"Of course I do, baby girl." He said, his face falling slightly and then turning angered. "Do I not show you how much I love you? Are my actions not enough for you to understand how much I fucking love you?"

Oh no.

"Baby, stop. Please. I didn't mean to upset you! I know you love me. I just... sometimes I just need to hear you..." You heaved a frustrated sigh at yourself, "I'm sorry. I don't know what caused me to ask that. I know you love me."

"You are everything to me." He said firmly, and seriously.

'Don't fuck up.'

You stood up quickly, stepping into him and pulling him into you. He wrapped his arms around your legs and rested the side of his face against your belly.

You ran your hand gently over his cheek before pulling away. You grabbed his head in your hands and turned his head up to look at you.

"Are you okay? You feel a bit warm." You said, running your thumb along his cheek and taking him in. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were watery and far away looking, with dark circles under them like he hadn't slept in days.

He swallowed thickly with a grimace and gave a small nod, "I'm fine. I'll be better tomorrow."

"Maybe you should go take a shower and go to bed?" You suggested.

"I'd rather just sit here and do nothing." He said, falling back into the couch completely.

"Hungry?" You asked with a frown.

"No. But my throat hurts. Whiskey would be wonderfully numbing."

You gave a small nod, walking into the kitchen. You grabbed the half empty bottle and a glass.

"Do you want ice?" You called.

"Doesn't matter."

"That was so unhelpful." You grumbled, opening the freezer.

"If you were going to put ice in my glass anyways why did you ask?" He asked as you held out bottle and glass.

"Tuh, because sometimes you don't like it cold." You said.

"Its got a nice bite when it's hot." He shrugged, snapping his fingers at Moose (You had yet to find a better name for the damn dog), "chew that shoe and you're dead, fuck head."

The dog just tilted his head and examined Ramsay, swishing his tail. You bit your lip, grabbing up the shoes and taking them to your bedroom.

"Hey, dad is having surgery on Tuesday." You said, returning to the couch to find Ramsay wrapped up in your blanket.

He pulled the blanket from his face, "And?"

You tutted impatiently, "Well they wanna see us, but I can't exactly invite them for dinner, can I? And they don't know about the house."

"Mm. That does sound like a bit of a conundrum for you." He chuckled with a sniff.

"Rams! Seriously." You said crossing your arms and scowling.

He shifted to look at you and smirked, "you're cute when you're mad."

"Why are you a dick?"

"Take those pants off and bring that ass over here and I may tell you." He purred.

"I need to clean the kitchen and get clothes in the dryer." You said, walking past him to the kitchen.

"But I'm sick and dying!" He complained.

"You most certainly are not dying."

"I could be and how would you feel if your husband died without letting him grab your ass one last time?"

"Go take a shower and go to bed."

"Then hurry the fuck up and come to bed with me. You better be in bed before I fucking lay down." He snapped, throwing the blanket off, and stomping down the hall.

×××

"So, how does pay work?" You asked, looking up at the dark ceiling, toying with Ramsay's hair as he kissed along your belly.

"Depends. I have the Boys, and they are paid by rank. Then I have my soldiers, and they are paid by jobs performed. And associates give me a cut I make them agree upon for keeping them and their businesses safe." He said with a sniff. He gave an irritable groan, rubbing his nose on the back of his hand.

"So, how much do you pay Damon?" You asked, brushing the hair at the nape of his neck.

"That is a very good question." He chuckled, before pulling away from you completely to bury his face in the bed and sneezing. "I swear to god if I sneeze one more fucking time!" He growled into the mattress.

"Sorry, baby." You said quietly, drawing a sharp gasp at the sharp pain in your side.

Ramsay pulled his face away from the mattress and looked up at you, "hm?"

"The baby. I guess he's wanting to make himself noticeable." You grimaced, pushing on your side.

"Should I threaten him within inches of his life already?" Your husband chuckled, pushing himself up.

"If he's anything like you, it would do no good." You pointed out with a small laugh.

"Maybe so." He agreed with a yawn.

"So what other workings of the members are there? Like these executioners I've heard about? Do you have one? Like, what does your little click do?"

"Damon gives orders to other men, counsels me, keeps tabs on money coming and going. Ben is in charge of goods distribution. Who's buying and selling. Alyn deals with the whores and minor businesses. Yellow Dick is my executioner. But I like to take care of shit on my own, so mostly he just keeps tabs on the soldiers and supplies them with whatever they need." He rattled off like you had asked him a test question.

"And Matt?"

"I haven't found him an actual job in the Boys. I keep pawning him off on all the other Boys to get a feel. He's young though, can reach a younger crowd. Maybe I'll put him in charge or recruiting or something. I dunno yet."

"So who's all these things for your father?" You questioned.

"Don't know where they all fall, but Karstark is his advisor. He named me underboss, but he don't like to fuck with me. Locke is his executioner. And that's about all I know. I know where they all sit at the table, but I dunno the oother's jobs. Nor do I care, they mean nothing to me and never will once I step into father's shoes."

You ran your hand along your belly, saying nothing. The silence was pressing in on you, making your body feel as though you had been running a marathon for five years. It baffled you. You had done nothing but sit around all day.

"Turn the heater up, baby girl." Ramsay said into the darkness.

You frowned. Something was definitely wrong with him. He always complained you kept it too hot. It had to be practically subzero for him to sleep. Dark and cold.

"Of course, baby." You said quietly sliding from bed, walking into the hallway to adjust the thermostat.

You crawled into your spot and hadn't even gotten comfortable when Ramsay pulled you into him.

He buried his face between your breasts and let out a small noise, wrapping his arm around you.

"Baby, you're burning up. Maybe you should drink some water or something." You said, feeling slightly panicked at how hot his skin was against you. He felt hotter than before his shower.

He gave a sniff, "I'm fine. Just need to sleep."

"You need to break this fever." You said, pushing yourself up on elbow.

"What fever?" He said with a small chuckle.

"Ramsay. I mean it. Medicine. Go." You said sternly.

"I'm already in bed. I don't want to get up. Shut up and let me go to sleep." He said, dismissively.

You sighed, you knew there was no winning. You laid back down, pulling him into you. He rested his cheek against your chest and sighed. You stared at the dark ceiling, stroking his hair, determined to stay awake until his fever broke.

The silence was so inviting as your eyes grew heavy and tired. Ramsay made a tiny, uncomfortable noise in his sleep, his arm around you tightening. You continued to stroke his hair, placing a gentle kiss to the top of his head, breathing him in deeply.

As you laid there, willing yourself to stay awake, you realized this was the first time he had ever been sick. Weird. It brought around the realization that he really was only human. He was not indestructible. He was no less mortal than you were....

Confused, you opened your eyes wondering why the hell you were so hot. You sat up and looked around. You were alone. The room was ungodly hot. You slid from bed, pulling your robe on and leaving the room.

You walked through the dark house and found Ramsay snoring on the couch. You frowned, stroking his hair. It was damp in sweat and his skin was clammy.

"Baby." You whispered, giving a small shake to his shoulder.

Nothing.

"Baby, wake up." You whispered a bit louder and shaking harder.

Ramsay woke with a gasp and sat up quickly, "what?"

You took him in. He looked panicked. His chest rose and fell rapidly, as he tried to process what was going on.

"Baby, you need to take some medicine. Okay?" You said softly, placing your hand against his cheek. He pushed the side of his face into your palm and sighed.

"Yes ma'am." He murmured, slowly getting off the couch and clutching the blanket around him.

"Baby? Are you okay?" You asked, pulling a drawer open to look through your medications. Hopefully Tylenol could get you through the night. It was all you had in relation to fever. You grabbed a wash cloth and wet it.

He leaned against the bathroom doorway and nodded, "fine."

"How long have you been feeling like this?" You asked, running the rag over his cheek.

He shrugged, "Just today I guess."

"Hm. I'm sorry, baby. All we have for tonight is Tylenol. Too many things I can't take until the baby is born, so I haven't bought anything. I'll get you something in the morning is you still feel bad." You said, frowning.

"I'm a big kid, ya know. I can get my own medications." He smirked.

"Well, at least you're still an asshole." You said, rolling your eyes and dropping the rag in the sink.

"Little momma suck my dick when I come to bed?" He asked.

You grabbed a towel and dried your hands. "We'll see."

You entered your bedroom. It was still so  uncomfortably hot. You flipped the light switch, turning the ceiling fan on and clicking the chain to turn the light off.

A few minutes later Ramsay entered the room with a heavy sigh and climbing into bed.

"You took the medicine?" You asked, pulling him into you.

He nodded, "yes, doll."

"Good. Now, get some sleep." You cooed, kissing his cheek.

"Blow me, baby girl. Make daddy feel better." He whined.

"Sh... Just close your eyes and let me hold you."

He heaved an irritable growl, but simply relaxed into you.

"I love you, doll." He hummed after a few minutes of silence.

"I love you too, baby." You whispered back, running your thumb along his warm cheek.

×××

"Mom, hold on a second." You said, cutting your mother off mid sentence, pulling the phone away from your ear, and entering the living room.

"Babe, who are you talking to?" You asked, looking down at Ramsay on the couch.

He removed his arm from his eyes, "the dog, duh."

"Uhm... the dog is outside. He's been outside for like twenty minutes now."

Ramsay grunted, "Well, I guess that's why he hasn't said anything back. Find my phone and bring it to me."

"Please would be nice." You said, pursing your lips.

"Do it or I will hurt you. Making me lay here and die a slow, horrible death."

You rolled your eyes, "for the last time, you are not dying. Where's your phone?"

"Bed."

You replaced your phone yo your ear and left the living room, "sorry, mom. Ramsay is sick and being an insufferable tit today. Anyways, you and Dad will be here tomorrow night? Where are y'all staying?"

"Yes. Eli rented us a room at that hotel on post. They are keeping your father overnight after the surgery. If all goes well, he will be released Wednesday morning to go home."

"Well let me know when you get in and we can all go to dinner." You said, grabbing up your husband's phone and returning to the living room.

"Of course baby. See you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too. Y'all be careful on you're way up here." You said, dropping Ramsay's phone on his chest as you walked past, returning to the kitchen to finish cleaning dishes. You hung up the line and replaced your phone in your pocket.

"Have you got my shit?" Ramsay said, looking up from the couch.

Matt handed him a box of medicine. And took a tentative seat on the recliner, "I have some interesting news."

"Sup?" Ramsay hummed, ripping the box open.

"Before you called I was at the hospital, visiting my mom, right? I'm leaving, standing in the hall and there's a rush going on. Well, I was curious, so I followed the crowd. Apparently your father's wife, is that what she is? Anyway, had complications in her pregnancy and has lost the baby. Or that's what I gathered."

Your heart plummeted at the news. There went your leverage. You weren't one to shoot the messenger, but you really wanted to hit Matt in the face and tell him to take it back, as if it would change the fact.

"Awe. How terrible. Looks like I am still an only child." Ramsay laughed darkly.

You said nothing, leaning back into the couch and chewing your nail.

"The wife brought something to my attention last night." Ramsay said, before downing his bottle of water.

"Sup?" Matt asked, looking a bit apprehensive.

"How much do I pay you?"

"Fifteen every two weeks." Matt said, leaning back into the recliner and pulling out a bag of marijuana.

"So, doll, to answer your question, I pay Damon thirty five hundred every two weeks apparently." Ramsay said, face screwed up in thought.

"What do you do with the money I pay you, kid?" Ramsay asked, turning his attention back to Matt.

Matt held up the plastic baggie. Ramsay chuckled.

"Nah, I don't use most of it. Kind of not sure what to do with it. Speaking of, how much to you want for Cherry Pie?"

You saw Ramsay running numbers in his mind, "Twenty seven."

Matt gave a groan, loading the pipe he had pulled from his jacket pocket.

"Thirty now, for you whining." Ramsay sneered. "Besides, it would be irresponsible of me to hand over the keys to a brand new Corvette to an eighteen year old."

"Hey, the ID you gave me says I'm twenty two." Matt interjected, sounding hopeful.

This made Ramsay laugh, "Alright kid. Scrape up twenty four thousand and she's all yours. You've put in some hella work on that damn car."

"Fuckin' sweet." Matt hummed, standing up and patting himself down to find a lighter.

"How's your mom, by the way?" You asked, watching Matt exhale the pungent smoke.

"Good. Doctors are gunna let her go next week." He replied, taking another hit.

"So, kid, what do you think of mob life? You've been in officially what... four months?" Ramsay said, running his hand along your back and taking the pipe from Matt.

Matt shrugged, "I dunno. Not really what I expected. Very different from the movies."

Ramsay choked on his smoke, trying to keep from laughing. "Yeah, not as exciting as the movies, huh?"

Matt laughed, "yeah, I guess."

"So what can I do to make it more exciting? I have observed that if my men are bored they don't do their jobs as well."

Matt looked taken aback, "it's nothing to do with boredom. Just a bit slower than I expected is all. But I make money and that's all that matters."

Ramsay sat up straight and leaned forward to hand Matt the pipe.

"Then I'll treat you to the movies. Tommy gun included. You haven't taken part in an official Bastard's Boys activity yet. We're going to partake in a robbery."

You shot Ramsay a look and Matt looked utterly bewildered.

"Like...?" He asked slowly.

"Pull some John Dillinger shit. Unless my wife wants in. Ma Barker?" Your husband said, glancing over at you.

"I think we should continue to lay low." You said, choosing your words carefully.

Ramsay snorted, "I've got cabin fever. The kid is bored. We are robbing a bank. Public Enemy Era style." He pulled out his phone, holding it up to his ear. "Dame, busy?.... No, I thought not. Get the Boys together. We are robbing a bank. No hostages."

You snatched Ramsay's phone, "no Damon. We are not robbing a bank. Ramsay is sick and having delusional fits in his fevers."

"Be here in two Damon!" Ramsay said, raising his voice.

[mirallog]

Kelly jo bates

#Kelly jo bates update#

#Kelly jo bates tv#

#Kelly jo bates tv#

So, are you glad to hear that Kelly Jo Bates is doing better now? Let us know in the comments below.įor more updates about the Bringing Up Batesfamily, check back with TV Shows Ace. New episodes air on UPtv Thursdays. Luckily, it seems like she’s going to be okay with the help of the medications. It sounds like this issue was caused by an infection in her esophagus. Mother of nineteen children, she and her expansive brood have become. She tells fans that the new issue isn’t related to her surgery, adding that the operation in October went “tremendously.” Kelly Jo Bates is a famous Reality Star, who was born on Octoin United States. As it worsened, she decided to seek medical attention. Kelly Jo Bates is an American social media personality and TV star who is known for being the wife of Gil Bates and the matriarch to 19 children and 18 grandchildren who are part of the TV show 19 Kids and Counting. She went to the ER on the Wednesday prior to Mother’s Day due to some pain that began in January. She thanks her followers for all of their love and prayers too. In her video, Kelly Jo explains that she’s on her way home from the hospital and picking up her prescriptions. She writes, “ Update: Thank you all for praying! I got checked out! Thank everyone for your prayers and concerns! I am going home to rest and to finish antibiotics! So excited! I know I keep getting ‘wake up’ calls to eat healthier and do better, so maybe I’ll have more success with my motivation this time 😱” Batesfam Instagram

#Kelly jo bates update#

On Instagram on May 10, Kelly Jo shared a video, giving fans an update on her health scare. It’s unclear whether this new health issue is related. As she recovered, she said that she was thankful that she went through with the operation. It was to help with her acid reflux, and it seems like it went smoothly. On the show, Kelly Jo’s recent surgery has been documented. Many of the family’s fans sent encouraging words her way and asked for updates. Join Facebook to connect with Kelly Jo Bates and others you may know. Naturally, fans were pretty concerned about her. View the profiles of people named Kelly Jo Bates. Several other members of the Bates family shared similar posts about her hospitalization as they dedicated social media posts to her on Mother’s Day. So we are waiting to find out what they can do.” She is the wife of Gil Bates, with whom she has 19 children and. They are checking for infection and a perforation. Kelly Jo Bates (ne Callaham) (born October 26, 1966) is the matriarch of the Bates family. She’s sitting in a hospital bed, and he writes, “Everyone is probably wondering what’s wrong- there’s something on her esophagus causing pain. In his Mother’s Day post dedicated to her, Trace Bates shared a snap of himself and his mom. Kelly Jo Bates hospitalized on Mother’s Day The Bringing Up Bates mom has since shared an update about her health and what’s going on. However, they are rich with so many family members.Kelly Jo Bates sadly spent Mother’s Day in the hospital, as we previously reported. Well certainly, this is Gil Bates’s family and not Bill Gates’ family. Kelly’s estimated net worth is around $1 million approximately. All this happened in less than half a second, kelly jo bates weight loss best rated. Similarly, Kelly Jo Bates also earns a lot because of her popularity in the show. Kelly Jo Bates Weight Loss Are Diet Pills Safe To Take For Sale. He also owns a company called “Bates Tree Service”. Who is Kelly Jo Bates Reality Show Star and. Her husband, Gil Bates earns around $250k a year and his primary source of income is the reality show in which the family featured. Even someone who already has a child can have problems with fertility. Kelly Jo is professionally an actress and reality star who first appeared on TV in 2012. Now you might be wondering, how much is the net worth of Kelly and Gil Bates and how can they afford to provide for such a huge family. Where it all started- the 19 Bates kids and Mom & Dad! Can’t wait to post more pics from Brittany Cruse & her husband’s recent photo shoot with us at Papa’s 80th party! We had to do the “train” pose cause when they were all little we had them “train up” from youngest to oldest everywhere we walked so that we could fit through store aisles and keep up with all of them! #Brittan圜rusePhotography (Gil, Kelly Jo, Jeb, Judson, Callie, Ellie, Addee, Isaiah, Warden, Jackson, Katie, Josie, Carlin, Trace, Tori, Alyssa, Nathan, Lawson, Erin, Michael, Zach Bates) Scroll for more pics!Ī post shared by The Bates Family on at 11:46am PDT Kelly Jo Bates Net worth

[that-trunks-girl]

This last week has been exgaustingly rough. I’ll post it under the cut.

Last week was suppose to be a great week for me. I had been anxiously waiting to go visit my best friend in Oklahoma. I had never been before so it was going to be a great new adventure together! It also marked our 10 year anniversary of when we became friends so it was even more special. We both have been having a rough time and this was definitely needed. It was also a weekend away from work and motherhood for the first time in almost a year. I was meant to leave Friday afternoon. I worked Thursday and had it all planned to spend the evening with my husband, our son and to finish packing for my trip. Things changed. Our clinic cat, Koier was acting ill. We kept an eye on him during the day but he got no better as it went on. By closing, he was worse. We did an ultrasound to find out his intestines were bunched and his abdomen was full of fluid. He needed emergency surgery which could not be performed at the clinic I work at. (My doctor does not do the surgery he needed and the surgeon was gone for the night. Not to mention we would have no one to stay with him all night and into the weekend). So I offered to skip everything I planned so I could take Koier to the ER I also work at part time. I didn’t want to leave him alone, so I stayed there to see him through to surgery. This was at 7pm. We finally got to surgery shortly after 11pm or close to midnight. It was worse than we thought. And after difficult deliberation, we chose to put him to sleep while he was under anesthesia. It was so heartbreaking, I felt a part of me die. I’ve only been working at the clinic for 2 years, but grew very close to koier. It was a huge shock and I just cried.

I lost sleep that night crying for him. For my work family. It was hard on us all. I still left for OKC the next night and was back together with @nessie-noodlez !! She helped me stay busy and we had so much fun together as always. It really helped me get through the loss of koier. I knew it would be difficult to go back to work but I would manage. I returned home Tuesday night. I was meant to return to work Wednesday, but it was so slow they told me to stay home. I was relieved as it would give me an extra day to prepare to return to work since koier passed. But the world had other plans for me…

When my husband picked me up, he had mentioned our kitty Zappy was not acting himself. I saw him just briefly when I came home and decided to watch and see what he would do once I was home. Wednesday came and I looked him over again. He refused his treats that he loved, wouldn’t eat his breakfast and he was out laying in unusual places. He’s always been a timid cat and would hide even around us sometimes. I felt him and he was boney and didn’t feel that way when I left. In less than a week, he lost a pound. He had been eating an acting normal up until the day or 2 before I returned home. After going through the events with koier, I wanted to have him checked to see what was happening. I took him back to the ER and had bloodwork, xrays and an ultrasound done.

My heart sank as I saw his bloodwork. My beautiful boy. Whom just turned 6 years old this month. Was dying of chronic kidney disease. Something he had been fighting for a while but continued to act completely normal. His kidneys were so diseased that even if we attempted to treat him, it wouldn’t have helped. Once again, I made such a difficult decision to end my baby’s suffering. My world shattered even more. My heart literally feels like it broke in 2.

6 days between those two. 2 trips to the ER and both times I left without a cat. I’m trying to look at the bright side of things. Keeping myself busy so my mind isn’t always jumping to the worst thoughts. It has been incredibly difficult the last few days. And I’m still trying to comprehend why it all happened. It isn’t fair. It’ll never be fair. But I know in my heart that both of them died knowing they were loved every minute of every day until the end.

Excuse me if I continue to distance myself here. Or if I don’t respond in chat. I’ve been quite unmotivated to do the things that I love. But all the kind words I have received this week I have been very grateful for 💜 also apologies for any typos. I got a new phone this last week too and am still not use to it lol.

[learning2fly05]

So, in my last post I stated that I was going to have small goals for myself for a new week. Also I posted a photo of my bicycle and I have only ridden (is that a word?) it once since I got it. Yes, you can say it I have not kept up with that goal of riding it. I had no one to go with me and I'm sure my husband doesn't want me to ride alone around the neighborhood. There are so many drivers that drive super fast in our neighborhood when they shouldn't be. Oddly enough on Mother's Day, I found a bicycle for him and bought it. I had no intention to buy one for him on that day, but the colors, size and well the price was all good for my budget. Now I think the weather has been mocking me with this goal. Once I bought his, the weather just turned out crappy for all of us here. Just constant rain and then by the end of the day, nice and sunny, like nothing ever happened at all. We are still under a Flash Flood watch or warning till Thursday, but the weather this year has been interesting for us here in Texas. I'm just hoping that once this crazy weather is over or at least a break in between the clouds, we can ride during the week. The other goal I provided to my husband was to work on our property next door. We are so close to finishing with the trees and clearing it out. Yet, we can't do that due to the weather. We'' play it by ear each day this week with these goals, purely because of the weather.

Updates on the house. Well all the issues that the tenants had has been fixed. It seems that the realtor we got assigned just never kept up with us with updates and so my husband had to send an email about an update and now, she's gone. I figured all these issues and well lack of updates were due to her not doing her job. Now I don't like saying that good riddance on her, since well its someone losing their job during these crappy times, but you need to do your job. Maybe now we will have faith with this company and stay with them for a possible new tenant, unless they sign for another 2 years or so. The property/land is going well as well. We want to continue with it, but the weather doesn't permit us at times to do anything to it. We have a couple more trees to cut down and then maybe shred them and some wood that I know no one would want, but need to get rid of. We might cut those 2x4 or so into smaller pieces so we can throw them out. As far as looking at mobile houses, we went to look at the one my husband likes still with his mom. He is still liking on getting that one and we might within the next year or 2. His mom thinks its still too big of a house for us, but we like it and basically will get like 3-4 extra rooms for the price of what we got for the house we're leasing out or less. I get why she's trying to find another house, to be in our budget and such, but we're fixated on this one and like the extra rooms and he loves the kitchen. We just need more time to save money and see our budget/numbers again to see when.

My job is going well. I still am deciding to stay in the department I'm currently in for the whole year. By then I can get the surgery I need without using my PTO for it and well at least be in this company for a year with a good record. Every time I have a 1x1 with my supervisor she says that I'm doing great and feel better in comparison to last year around October and November. I learn every day something new and pray that our days go well and slow. I shouldn't have to do that, but its just small nice gesture of a bonus to do.

So far almost everyone in this household has gotten the Covid shot. My husband and myself are the only one's left to get our second shot. Our second shot is due this coming Saturday, so we took off the Monday from our jobs as a precaution. I think I'm over a month of not taking Brillia. I slowed my dosage from time to time and when I realized that I was getting down to the last boxes, I decreased it even more. Once I was out, I decided to not order anymore and see how I do without it. So far its been fine for me and its ok. I had a moment of just being aggravated or annoyed so easily and well told my mother-in-law about it and said that maybe I should get back on it. I kind of didn't like her response with that, but its either that or my monthly friend is coming by soon. I didn't think it will be since it felt like I just had it, but seems it is coming. My husband has also been on the edge with annoyance mood and well with him I'm not sure what it is. We also are getting annoyed with lack of rest. Our dogs tend to sleep with us and take up most of the room, scratch and wake us up in the process or just make us not sleep well. With that in mind we decided to not let them sleep with us anymore. Another thing is that is our girl dog that tends to piss and poop in our room. I work in the room we sleep in and our bed is at, I don't want to be dealing with anything like that once I wake up or during my work day. We do take them out before we head to sleep and now we just need to remove their food and water before bed time. I hope this works out well.

Other than all this nothing else is new. My parents wanted to go on a cruise for the 4th of July, but with them all doing this in the last minute I knew it wasn't going to happen. So they put that off til next year. I still need to figure out where to go. I do want somewhere new, but with Covid still among us, which is stupid, its limiting on where to go. I just need to pick a spot and see how it goes. We shall see what happens. Maybe just take a trip to see them since I haven't been back home since Feb last yr. By the way, I don't think I mentioned this in the last post and if I did, its just a repeat. My husband and niece found 3 baby kittens in our property. Their mother didn't abandon them, but my husband wasn't going to just let them be there during this crazy weather we been having. So we haven taken them in and named them. They have been growing so fast and we let them out of the kids room to run around and play. We did have them in a crate for a moment, but then decided to let them roam free in a room with the door closed and put them up at night. Then decided to keep them out all day and night in the room with a light on. Now we're deciding to shut the lights off at night. They are a handful.

[macabre-megan]

It’s been awhile...

It’s been awhile since I’ve really used my tumblr account. I pop on every now and then to scroll through stuff, but I really haven’t been active in....a couple years? I feel the need to ramble a bit and right now this seems to be the best place to do it. So here is my venting. I have rambled about it a million times to people, but being able to get everything out in one go just seems therapeutic to me right now. So here we go... the past two years have been strange to say the least. Both involved lots of weird shit, but this past year was hell. It is the year I learned what it’s like to be passed around and ignored by doctors and other healthcare personnel. Back in May I began developing a weird pain in my right upper abdomen. It started one day out of the blue and progressed over a week and got stronger and more intense. I also began to feel chronically nauseous. That’s when my whole life was put on pause. First my gallbladder and appendix were checked out. Everything came back normal. Then my stomach. I was given extra strength ant acids and told to watch my diet and that I’d probably feel better in a few weeks. I began to feel worse. I fought with my own primary doctor to refer me to a gastroenterologist, she finally agreed and I had an endoscopy done. Everything from that was normal. I was growing increasingly concerned because no matter what I was still in near constant pain and could barely eat due to nausea. By the end of summer, I had been to the ER 3 times, had 4 CT scans, and endoscopy, every other GI imaging test that was available, only one ultrasound, and all with normal results. I grew frustrated because scans revealed a kidney stone and a small ovarian cyst, neither of which i was informed about. I was angry because I began to hear eyes rolling when I called my doctors office with concerns and bringing up that I was still in a lot of pain and could barely eat. I basically was at a point of giving up trying to figure anything out after my 3rd ER visit in august....when I was told nothing was wrong and that I should follow up with my “psychiatrist.” While this was going on, my manager at work luckily believed me and was on my side. Which was good because a couple co workers decided I wasn't really sick and was clearly faking it. Or that I was just going out and getting drunk every weekend, then complaining about being sick at work. I began to trust them less and less. I stopped talking about my personal life at work and began just hiding my pain from them all. Even the ones who weren’t causing problems. I just couldn’t deal with the drama that came out of nowhere and that had no reason to it ( it literally felt like I was in high school or some shit. I knew the specific people were constantly whispering behind my back and I could feel the vibes in the air. especially on days where I was really hurting and couldn’t do much more than sit at the computer and do clerical work) But my manager suggested things I hadn’t thought of because of the location of my pain. She mentioned ovarian cysts and endometriosis. I was skeptical at first, but when I kept running into dead ends, I looked into things more. That’s when I started keeping better track of when my pain was worse and what accompanied it during those periods of time. She mentioned my symptoms to a couple of the pathologists we work with (I work in the histology department in a hospital laboratory, as a lab technician/histotechnician and diener) and they both said it was very possible that endometriosis was the culprit. My doctor didn’t agree and chose to not look further into my pain, saying it was probably somehow a muscular thing and basically just completely wrote me off. Jump forward to the end of September.....I was having a horrid couple days of pain. I came into work and could barely stand up straight due to my lower back and abdomen hurting so much. I couldn’t lift anything, the fact that I even got to work that day was a miracle. My manager was not working, so I didnt really have a safety net either. I was told there was an autopsy that no one else could cover so I would have to assist. I began crying. Just flat out bawling. I couldn’t hold it back. I was told to just do what I could and let Dr. T. (the pathologist who does all the autopsies and has worked there for a super long time and was the head of the pathology department and lab director up until he partially retired recently) know what was happening. I still couldn’t hold back tears and began crying in his office trying to explain that I was in too much pain. He told me everything was okay, he told me to not worry about the case. He felt so terrible and I felt awful for making a scene because it was the last thing I wanted to do especially with the on going scrutiny from my co workers. He said something along the lines of “I’m going to make a phone call for you. I will talk to you after I’m done with the case. You will hear back from me and I’ll let you know what to do. Just hang tight.” He got me in that same day to see the top gynecological surgeons in the area. The doctor who specializes in fertility problems and reproductive disorders. I still to this day can’t thank Dr. T enough for that phone call. Every time he asks about progress or anything involving stuff with that doctor, I tell him how much I appreciate what he did. That day I went home with an unofficial diagnosis of endometriosis and was told surgery would be the best option due to how extreme my symptoms where. I agreed. I didn’t question it. I wanted a definite answer and I wanted this shit gone from inside me. I was desperate. Now fast forward to last Thursday (January 11th). I went in at 9 am for a diagnostic laparoscopy. I had so many fears....that they wouldn’t find anything....that things would be worse and they would have to take more out....that I’d lose my uterus or some other extreme situation. When I woke up from surgery.....when I was taken to the recovery room and wheeled in to see the faces of my husband and mom, I heard the most relieving thing in the world. They found endometriosis. They found it scattered right around where all my pain was. It was removed. I had an official diagnosis and a name to put to what has made my life a living hell for nearly a year. My appendix was also removed, along with an abnormal lymph node. It seems weird to be so happy about it, endometriosis is a chronic disease and it can very likely come back any time. Surgery is not a cure......there is no cure. I now am labeled with this for life and everything from here on out is anything to try and suppress the tissue from growing back and managing any symptoms that pop back up. And it is possible that I may have to have surgery again at some point in life. It’s hard to predict. But I have an answer. I have a reason for why I was in so much pain. Why I felt so awful all the time. I have an answer. I no longer feel like I’m crazy and I can look doctors right in the eye and prove to them it’s not all in my head. I have a endometriosis. I have a chronic illness. It took just about a year to be listened to and diagnosed. I missed out on so much. Slept so much. A lot of strain was put on my marriage and on friendships because I just couldn’t do the things I used to do. I came close to giving up so many times. The frustration, anger, tears, arguments, loneliness, pain, depression, doubt......here I am on the other end. Still recovering from surgery, but I’m optimistic and filled with just so much relief, I can’t stress that enough. This experience has been a roller coaster.....and it felt like I was never going to be able to get off of it. I have Endometriosis. I have a chronic illness....