#she has ZERO idea how to smoke weed bit she thinks she does because of twitter info

[spitinsideme]

Deoon fagata smoke long big cigarrete n demon rponi smoke s blunt bui chikes and need bck pet to hwlp.

the girls are getting high !! demon ragatha made demon pomni eat the blunt

[bakusdumptruck]

Bakusquad Crack Post Pt.2

Hello you beautiful bitches 😌 hope you had a good day today! I was stuck on what I was going to write and decided to make a side story on what happened with the LoV in the first part! So now i’ll give you high bakusquad ft. The LoV🤩

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Pairing: Aged up Bakusquad x gn!Y/n x LoV 

Warnings: Use of marijuana, swearing, injuries, slight manga spoilers

Summary: Bakusquad gets kidnapped by the Lov, but it turns out better than expected.  

✨QUICK RECAP ✨

You and the Bakusquad were v e r y faded chilling on a hill watching the stars 

A nomu pops out of no where and you all start attacking, but completely miss

The nomu starts chasing you and ends up knocking everyone out 

OKAY NOW LETS GET IT 😈

So... you got kidnapped by the infamous League of Villains

B💥: *waking up* “Fucking shit what hap- oh shit hey crusty 😏 never thought i’d be here again.”

ST(Shiggy)🧴: “Never thought you’d be this easy to catch you little bitch”

B💥: “WHO YOU CALLIN A LITTLE BITCH YOU FLAKEY FU-”

Y/n🥵: *evil/scary ass voice* “Bakugou if you don’t shut the fuck up right now i’ll let his flakey ass disintegrate you. You’re beING TOO FUCKING LOUD 😃🔪”

B💥: “uh... where’d you get that knife from :D”

K💪🏼: “Hey guys, sorry to ruin your moment but shouldn’t we be concerned that we got kidnapped.”

M💅🏽: “I agree... We literally got kidnapped by the people who want to kill us.”

S��: “Oh shit, that’s who they are? No wonder they looked so familiar.”

All: 👁👄👁

ST🧴: “Ya’ll are dumber than I expected... anyway we want you guys to join us. You all have powerful quirks, especially you Baku-”

B💥: “YAWWNNNN. No thank you. I already said no.”

ST🧴: “Did you just s a y the word yawn 🙃 *scratching neck* You’re pissing me off. I’ll just kill you then.”

S🕷: “Hold on mr.saltine, before you kill bakubro can we smoke our last joint? This weed was expensive and I AM NOT letting it go to waste. Plus I have even more and it needs to be gone before I die.” 

M💅🏽: “Sero please tell me you didn’t bring your stoner pack.”

S🕷: *pulls out his so called “Seros Super Stoner Pack”*

Shiggy’s starting to regret his life choices.

All of a sudden Dabi pops out of no where

DB🔥: “Is that weed? I smell weed. Where is it.”

 Sero had the most amazing idea, but not for them to escape no, he has had the most amazing idea to make sure he finishes his weed.

S🕷: “...Wanna smoke with us 👀 I already rolled a joint and I can roll at least 4 more. Don’t wanna let it all go to waste 😃”

DB🔥: “Let them out of the cuffs. I need to smoke.”

At this point Shigaraki is over everything and decides to smoke to distract himself from the stupidity.

So, ya know, Sero does his thing and hands yall the other papers to roll up

*30 minutes and 5 joints later...*

DB🔥: “NO BUT LIKE ENDEAVOR IS A FUCKING B I T C H. HE CAN KISS MY BURNT ASS.”

 This smoke session somehow turned into a therapy session. 

DB🔥: “I KNOW HE’S MY DAD BUT HOLY SHIT. FUCKER PUSHED ME INTO FAKING MY OWN FUCKING DEATH AND NOW HERE I AM. IM BURNT, MUSTY, AND STUCK WITH THIS CRUSTY ASS BITCH.”

Y/n🥵: *patting his back* “There there, let it out... uhuh just like that”

DB🔥: “I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING CRY. MY TEAR DUCTS ARE BURNT AND I FEEL DUMB AS FUCK CRYING WITH NO TEARS. I LOOK FUCKING CONSTIPATED.”

ST🧴: “Bitch please, you look constipated all the time.”

DB🔥: “Square the fuck up. 😃 Right now.”

D⚡️: “So... we just gon ignore the fact that he’s Endeavors “dead” son?”

Eventually Dabi lets everything off of his chest and goes off pouting in your arms

To lighten up the mood Sero connects his phone to his speaker and picks whatever song came up first 

It was WAP by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion.

Denki was the first one to get up and starts to rap the first verse. He knew it word for word.

Sero joined in after but also started dancing

Mans was MOVING them hips. Them shits were swaying like it was nobody’s business 💅🏽

WAIT SO HEAR ME OUT,  I feel like Bakugou would be a completely different person when he’s high

Yeah he’s still angry and shit but he’d be sooooo fucking funny

 This bitch would get up all of a sudden and be like 

B💥: “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG FUCKER. THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING MOVE”

Then he starts aggressively twerking anyway he can 😭

He’s twerking on the wall, on the floor, ON PEOPLE  

You all eventually form a circle around him and start hyping him up

LMAOO ITS LIKE THAT DANCE CIRCLE AT SCHOOL DANCES AND EVERYONE HAS THEIR PHONE OUT

Y/n🥵: “BEST FRIEND SHOW EM YOUR MOVES”

K:💪🏼: “GO, OUUU YUH GET IT I GUESS 💅🏽... OKAY IM NEXT BEST FRIEND. GET THE CAMERA 🤩”

KIRI FUCKING PUSHES HIM OUT 

K💪🏼: “dougie 🤪 hype me up 😤🥵”

He does it REALLY bad, but that’s not gonna stop the hype 

ST🧴: “AHAHAHA WHY HE MOVIN LIKE THAT. MANS STIFF AS FUCK”

M💅🏽: “Like you can do any better than that 😗”

ST🧴: “Baby please, watch this”

Shiggy starts voguing... and he’s really fucking good. 

All: “💀”

DB🔥: “HOLY SHIT THIS IS FUCKING GOLD . YO GUYS GET THE FUCK OUT YOUR ROOMS. Hehe he’s gonna regret doing this. ”

The rest of the LoV members come out and are shocked 

They don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or be disgusted 

TG🔪: “Dabi... is he okay, wait a minute... wHEN DID THEY GET HERE”

SP🐊: “...I’m going back to my room.”

TW👺: “OUU YUH SHIGGY. GET IT BITCH- this is so fucking disgusting.”

Mr.Compress and Kurogiri don’t even bother to see whats happening

Once the most iconic part of the song pops up YOU AND MINA GO OFF.

M💅🏽: “OUT OF THE WAY BITCHES. ITS THE BADDIES TURN.”

Holy fuck can y/n and Mina marry me already. p l e a s e.

Yall hitting every beat, every move, THE ATTITUDE. Yes. A+. 1000/10

Everyone was screaming their asses off and jumping around

After WAP, Dear Maria, Count Me In by All Time Low played

DB🔥: “OHHH SHIT ITS MY TIME WHORES”

Dabi pulls out a guitar and amp out of thin air and plays his fucking heart out.

Bakugou finds drums and plays like theres no tomorrow

Sero finds a bass and joins in 

Y/n🥵: “What the fuck 😃 why is this so good 😃”

The rest of you starts head banging and singing along

K💪🏼: “TAKE A BREATH DONT IT SOUND SO EASY, NEVER HAD A DOUBT NOW IM GOING CRAZY WATCHING FROM THE FLOOR”

M💅🏽: “waYMENT- I THOUGHT HE COULDN’T SING. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM 😳”

Denki adds harmony to the next part

K💪🏼D⚡️: “TAKE A BREATH AND LET THE REST COME EASY, NEVER SETTLE DOWN CAUSE THE CASH FLOW LEAVES ME. ALWAYS, WANTING MORE”

Y/n🥵: “DENKI YOU TOO??? I’m going to pass away. This is too muCH. I’M GOING TO SIMP PLEASE.”

Oop, the best part’s coming up... who’s singing next?👀

DB🔥: “IT WAS NEVER A PHASE MOM. ITS A LIFE STYLE- CAUSE I GOT YOUR PICTURE IM COMING WITH YOU DEAR MARIA COUNT ME IN THERES A STORY AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BOTTLE AND IM THE PEN.”

That shit was chefs fucking kiss. Dabi has the perfect voice for this song.

At this point you, Mina, and Shiggy were on the floor with tears streaming down your faces.

When yall thought it couldn’t get any better, Bakugou and Sero start harmonizing for the last part 💅🏽

B💥S🕷: MAKE IT COUNt WHEN IM THE ONE WHOS SELLING YOU OUT CAUSE IT FEELS LIKE STEALING HEARTS CALLING YOUR NAME FROM THE CROWD”

Dead. You flat lined. Your limit has been passed and now you’re a hard core simp. 

Mina was so glad she started recording because there definitely won’t be another opportunity.  

Y/n🥵: “Guys... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. HOW CAN YOU PULL INSTRUMENTS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND PLAY PERFECTLY. KIRI WHERE THE HELL DID THE VOICE COME FROM.”

The boys were sweating and out of breath. They just did a whole performance in the hide out with zero practice.

They stared at each other at the end for a little bit and excitedly hyped themselves up. 

Dabi spoke about starting a band forgetting about his occupation and why the bakusquad was there in the first place

Honestly this moment was precious. The villains and aspiring hero’s were getting along because of the weed in their system. This just proves how weed can solve all your problems 💅🏽

*knock knock* “Doordash delivery”

ST🧴: “Oh, when did you guys order food?”

S🕷: “We didn’t order food...”

ST🧴: “... FUCKING SHIT NOT AGA-”

The pro hero’s busted in 🤩

DB��: “KUROGIRIIII. GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.”

And just like the the LoV escaped

M💅🏽: “Ya kno what, I honestly forgot where we were.”

B💥: “Same.”

K💪🏼: “We were having too much fun...”

D⚡️: “Ughhh why’d they come so early 😫 we were boutta start a band 🥺”

S🕷: “Wait... why were we here again??”

Y/n🥵: “Sero...baby, maybe you should lay off the weed for a bit 💀”

Aizawa walked in and shot his scarf out to all of you. He made sure to make them uncomfortably tight and pulled you guys right to him.

A🐱: 👺👹*gremlin noises*👺👹

Lol you guys are fucked. 

HELLOOOOO I hope you guys enjoyed this story of what went on when the squad got kidnapped!! Honestly my account is gonna have ALOT of bakusquad scenarios since I literally love all of them so much. Not a day goes by where I’m not thinking about hanging out with them 😭 Credits to jazzmonster for the gif 😌 once I saw it I knew I had to use it. Anywayy thank you all so much for the support :’-) I didn’t think people would actually like the stuff I write since its all over the place 😫 Hope you have a good rest of your day/night 🖤

[keanureevesisbae]

Mister Cavill, your dog is kinda fat - Chapter 1

Summary: Veterinarian Olivia Tran has zero time for bullshit. After becoming a mom at age twenty three, the one thing she wants is a good life for her daughter Vanessa. Her ex didn’t want anything to do with her nor the baby and she decided that man are officially banned out of her life. But then she meets Henry Cavill at her clinic and her ban slowly starts to crumble apart. Henry on the other hand is looking for one thing: a family. And when he meets Olivia Tran, he finds just that.

Henry Cavill x Olivia Tran (ofc)

Warnings: None

Wordcount: 2.4k

A/N: The beginnings of a new fic! It’s kind of a build up, so there isn’t a lot of Henry Cavill inthis chapter, but the next one is from his pov and more than 4.5k. I hope you like this new story 🤗

Masterlist // Next chapter

For fuck’s sake, I can still smell the fluids from those anal glands I have been popping all day. Even when you wear gloves every single time, that penetrating smell will just stay with you.

After a long day at the clinic, I can finally call it a day. Of course, I’m on call tonight, but other than that, I can relax now. Working as a vet has always been a dream of mine and now, at the ripe age of twenty nine, I have managed to become doctor Olivia Tran, one of the loved veterinarians here.

‘See you tomorrow, Belle,’ I yell to my best friend and other veterinarian at this clinic.

‘You on call tonight?’ Belle asks.

‘I am.’

‘If you need to go, I can’t watch Vanessa tonight,’ she tells me, while she is checking the ears of a pug, who seems to have severe breathing problems from the looks of it. ‘I have a date.’

‘No worries,’ I say to her with a smile. ‘I probably don’t need to go anyways. Hasn’t happened in the past months, so I highly doubt that something will change tonight. Please let me know how your date went tomorrow.’

Belle, the gorgeous brunette with legs for days and blue eyes as big as Rapunzel, flashes me a bright smile. ‘Of course, dear. Give Vanessa a big kiss for me, will you?’

‘Will do.’ I walk out of the clinic, give a sweet Jack Russell a scratch behind his ear and check my watch. I have twenty minutes before I have to pick up Vanessa, but it’s a fifteen minute walk if I hurry and if I just stroll around, it’s twenty minutes. Can I manage to buy myself some cookies or should I wait after I picked her up?

I think I would have a very happy six year old if I waited with the cookies after I picked her up from school.

I bury my hands in the pockets of my coat. Yesterday it was official: the summer has passed and autumn is here. I always love it when I see the green leaves slowly turning orange or brown and cover the pavement with a blanket of crunchy leaves. It’s Vanessa’s favorite season as well, but that’s mostly because it’s her birthday on November 12th.

I never planned on becoming a mother at twenty three. I never really gave it a big thought, the idea of having kids. In the far far far future I might’ve become one, but I always thought I had more cool aunt potential.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I was scared, but since I was in a pretty serious relationship with Wesley for almost three years, the man I thought I’d end up marrying, I figured we would make this work. We would marry, have this kid and live happily ever after, maybe even have a few more.

But Wesley broke up with me when I told him about the pregnancy and that I was going to keep the baby. I went to my parents for comfort, thinking that they and my two brothers would be supportive of this. We got through the time that I was partying all night, getting tattoos and smoked some weed out of my window. I mean, we would be able to handle this right?

But my parents kicked me out when I told them I was pregnant and I was going to keep the baby. ‘But what about your degree?’ I can still hear my mother say those words, but what was maybe the worst thing, was seeing my brothers turning their backs to me. Their literal backs towards me. ‘You worked so hard and you just got a job as a vet,’ my mom began to yell.

To be fair, I was their only hope. My brothers dropped out of high school and are now sort of working in construction, but they can hardly finish a job ever. My mother never worked  a day in her life and my father was a lawyer. I told them that I could work something out, with a bit of help of them, but my mother just pushed me out of their house and told me to never bother them again, if I was going to have a kid out of wedlock.

So I had to do it by myself. I had to find a place for me and the baby to stay, but thankfully Belle was already working at the vet and decided that I needed a bit of help. I could stay with her, even after the baby was born. Belle went with me to the ultrasounds and when I went into labor, she was right there with me.

Belle is Vanessa’s one and only aunt and my best friend. When you get pregnant and not only your boyfriend leaves, your family disappears out of your life, you also notice how many people despise you. My friends from college all of the sudden seemed to have fallen off the earth and never checked in with me.

Now I have a happy six year old, a nice home for the two of us and a baby sitter Belle, who is becoming less and less available, since she has discovered the world of Tinder, because she wants a boyfriend.

I hear the bell ring when I step onto the schoolyard. It doesn’t take long before I see my daughter running towards me. Her baby blue coat is hanging open, her backpack in her hand and a rolled paper in the other. She insisted on wearing her boots to school today, but leave it to her to cover them in mud.

Entirely.

I catch her when she jumps in my arms. ‘I missed you, my lovely lady,’ I say to her.

Vanessa peppers my face with kisses, something she always does when I pick her up from school. I brush the hairs out of her face, including the sweet bangs that she insisted on having. Originally she wanted the same haircut as me from when I was the same age as her, but since I have severe traumas of the bowl cut, I had to spare her that and opt for some sweet thin bangs.

‘Mommy,’ she says, ‘I missed you a lot.’

‘Well, you want to go to the store, so we can buy some cookies?’ I ask her. ‘And maybe tonight we can order a pizza.’

‘Yes, yes, yes!’ She gives me a tight hug.

Sometimes I doubt my parenting skills, especially when I look around the schoolyard. I watch those mothers who are housewives, with very handsome husbands and kids that always look formidable and put together and probably only eat fatty snacks on their birthdays. Sometimes I wished I had that: a husband, a man that Vanessa could look up to.

I figured that when my ex Wesley couldn’t provide that, my brothers and father would step in and treat my daughter like they treated me: a princess.

Now I have to do that myself.

It can be tiring, being both the mother and the father for Vanessa, but if I could turn back time, I’d do it all over again.

With Vanessa’s tiny hand in mine, we walk towards the store, to buy some cookies that I desperately craved the entire day I was at work.

Vanessa looks a lot like me. She’s basically my clone. People often stop us, simply to tell us that Vanessa is like a miniature version of me. I always like compliments about my daughter. I mean, she is my world.

When we arrive at home, I help her change into something more comfy. ‘Mommy, can we please have a pajama night?’ Vanessa asks, while I help her out of her dress.

‘It’s four in the afternoon,’ I say, knowing exactly what she wants. ‘You want to wait two hours before you wear your pajamas?’

Vanessa shakes her head. ‘No, I want to wear my pjs now.’ Her bright smile nearly lights up the room. I watch her nose scrunch up as the corners of her mouth curl up, the only trait that she inherited from her biological father. ‘Are you going to wear yours too?’

I don’t have anywhere to go and besides, after all popping all those anal glands today, I desperately want to get out of these clothes. ‘Yes, sweetie, I’m going to wear mine too, but first I’m going to take a shower.’

‘No bath, mommy? Because I like baths.’ Her dark brown eyes start to gleam with enthusiasm. ‘Please, mommy, please.’ She pouts, knowing damn well I can’t say no to that.

≫≫≪≪

The second Vanessa is in bed, I have some time for myself. I love every second we get to spend together, but it’s nice to have a breather every now and then. I stare at my arms, to see how Vanessa has colored in my tattoos. She’s obsessed with them and when she’s in school, she sometimes tries to draw them on her own arms by memory, sometimes even drawing on others when they want to. A few weeks ago, her teacher asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. ‘Well, I want to be two things,’ Vanessa told her. ‘Like my mommy I want to be a vet, because I love animals, but I also want to draw tattoos on people.’

I sit up straight, looking at the drawing she made me today in school. She always makes drawings for me, but they are always the same. She draws a house, with me in it and herself. And outside she draws a dog and a man, with suitcases and moving boxes next to them. ‘Because,’ she explains every single time, ‘one day you meet a nice man who has a dog and he can become my new daddy. A daddy that does want me.’

Belle didn’t agree on me telling Vanessa her real dad didn’t want her, but I figured she needed to know the truth. Her biological father is a low life that disappeared into thin air and didn’t want to be involved in her life.

Vanessa understood, to the extent that was possible, but she really wants a dad, preferably one with a dog. Though she keeps pushing me, I can’t start dating again. Vanessa is the most important person in the world and men simply don’t fit into this—in my head—perfect picture. Vanessa is my life and men are big fat losers, so I don’t need them. I don’t want them, because the chance of them getting tired of maybe me, maybe Vanessa and leaving, is something I can’t risk.

Vanessa already lost her real father, what if a man that becomes really important to her, leaves too?

At around eleven I drag myself to bed, placing my work phone beside me. I hate being on call, but like I told Belle, I didn’t have a call in months, so I think I’m good.

I’m dreaming about Keanu Reeves (the only man on earth that I’d break my no man ban for) and how he takes me out on a lovely date, has Vanessa on his lap and helps her to cut her food, when the phone starts to ring.

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ I mutter, before I click on my nightlight. It’s three in the fucking morning. I don’t want this. ‘Animal Clinic Westside, doctor Olivia Tran, how may I help you?’ I say when I pick up the phone.

‘Hello, I’m terribly sorry for calling at this hour, but my dog is vomiting and I see some blood in it.’ Oh, poor man, he sounds so panicked. ‘He collapsed and is breathing really heavily and I don’t know what to do.’

I sit up straight in bed and rub my eyes, as I try to be as alert as I can on this early morning. ‘Sir, it’s okay. Did your dog eat anything out of the ordinary today?’

‘Not that I know of.’

‘You think it’s possible for you to come to the clinic? I’d like to see the dog.’

‘Of course, of course.’ The man on the other side of the line has such a lovely and deep voice. He could become a voice actor or a narrator like Morgan Freeman. If liquid gold had a voice, it would sound like this.

‘I hope it’s not too much to ask, but could you take some of the vomit with you? Especially the part with some blood. I’d like to check it.’

‘I’ll bring it with me, of course.’

‘What kind of breed is your dog, sir?’ I ask, while writing it all down on a piece of paper.

‘An American Akita. His name is Kal.’

I don’t think he ever went to our clinic, I think to myself.

‘I’ll be at the clinic in about forty minutes, mister…’ I say, hoping that this man will say his name.

‘Cavill,’ he quickly says. ‘And I can be at the clinic in about an hour.’

That name does sound kind of familiar though, but I could’ve sworn that this man isn’t in our database. Maybe I went to college with him or to high school?

After we hang up the phone, I quickly get out of bed. I opt for a pair of tight fitted black leggings and an oversized sweater (after I put on a bra, because who knows mister Cavill is handsome and my nipples don’t want to keep that a secret) and I slip on some white sneakers. I put my hair into a bun. I freeze when I’m moisturizing my face.

I kind of forgot I had a daughter. I don’t like the idea of bringing Vanessa with me, especially since it’s three in the morning and she’s asleep, but then I realize that tomorrow it’s Saturday. Plenty of time for her to catch up on her sleep and plenty of time for me to feel less guilty about dragging her out of her dreams.

‘Sweetie,’ I whisper, when I gently wake her up. ‘Mommy has to go to the clinic, but you can’t stay at aunt Belle tonight, so you’re going with me to work.’

Vanessa was a groggy mess when I nudged her awake, but when she realizes she can go with me to work, her eyes light up. ‘Really?’

‘Yes, someone has a sick doggy, that needs to be taken care of.’

She gets up out of her bed and I help her with her socks, though she is perfectly capable of doing so herself. ‘You’re gonna save a doggy?’ Vanessa asks.

‘I’m going to try.’

I hand her a thick vest and while she puts it on, she says: ‘You’re a hero, mommy.’

With a smile on my face, I softly pinch her cheek. ‘I guess I am.’

Taglist: @thelastsock​ // @flhorah​ // @sausagefest1996​ // @laufeysodinson​ // @xxxkatxo​ // @memoriesat30​ // @henrythickcavill​ // @crimsonrae​ // @henryobsessed // @madbaddic7ed​ // @summersong69​

[lovemesomesurveys]

What would you tell to your eighth grade self? Keep the friends you have. Also, stop hair spraying your bangs and making them stiff--it’s not cute.

What did your last text message read? “Thnx, and yes I got his text.” --My Nana.

Something you really want right now? Coffee and food.

Will you regret your next kiss? Uh, I hope not? Who knows when that will even be, though.

Do you like how things are going? No.

Are you a cuddler? Not really to be honest.

What are you doing tonight? Same stuff as always. My aunt ended up staying another night, but I think she’s going home tonight.

Three months ago, can you remember who you liked? I wasn’t interested in anyone 3 months ago. It’s been a few years, actually.

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? No. We never were.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now? I mean, I certainly didn’t envision wasting away after graduating college almost 6 years ago now.

Is a best friend pissing you off right now? No.

What color was the last pill you took? White.

Do you believe “drunken words are sober thoughts”? Sometimes. Sometimes it’s just nonsense.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? My aunt. We’ve had a lot of deep conversations these past few days that she’s been staying with us. She and I are very close and she’s someone who easily opens up and shares a lot. I’m definitely more of the listener, but still.

Have you hung out with any guys recently? My brother.

How tall are you? About 5���4.

Who will you be with this Friday? Today is Friday and I’ll be with my family. As of now, my aunt is here as well but I think she’s going home tonight.

Last time you laughed really hard? I’ve laughed a lot these past few days with my aunt. More so than I have in awhile.

What are you currently listening to? Myself typing and my TV.

Who was the last person you had a face to face conversation with, apart from family? My doctor.

Have you ever wasted too much time on a guy/girl? I don’t consider it time wasted despite things not working out. What are you looking forward to? Right now, I’m thinking about eating lol. 

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope.

A lyric from the song you’re listening to? I’m not listening to music.

What was the last thing you and your parents argued about? We last bickered a bit about some stuff I was being stubborn about and should have been doing regarding health related things but I wasn’t. 

Would you tattoo someone’s name on your body? No.

Have you ever let someone be your everything? Yes.

Do you bite your nails? I don’t bite them, but I pick them and use nail clippers constantly. 

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in their arms? Zero.

Do you hate the last person you kissed? No, not at all. 

How do you feel about your hair right now? Ugh. It’s a mess and in serious need of a dye job.

Whose hoodie did you wear last? My own.

Have you ever listened to music you hated just to fit in? Nah.

Whose birthday is coming up? My brother’s was yesterday. Next up is my dad’s next month.

Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? I tried to be, but I couldn’t.

The doctors just told you that you are pregnant - what’s your first thought? They clearly mixed me up with someone else cause that’s impossible. There’s zero chance.

Who was the last person you hugged? My aunt.

Do you have any saved texts? all of my texts save unless i delete them. <<< Yeah, the phone just keeps them. I’ve never deleted any.

Anything you want to tell someone but can’t? Meh.

What’s the last thing you drank? Water.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? I don’t have friends.

Do you like pulp orange juice? I don’t like orange juice at all. Or any juice.

Do you prefer the tanning bed or sun? I don’t go tanning, but I’d just try to get one from the sun if I wanted to. I do get a tan whenever I go to the beach since I actually spend a significant amount of time outside when I go. That’s the only time.

Who was the last person you talked to last night? My aunt.

When was the last time you cried? About a week ago.

Where are your siblings? My younger brother is at work and I’m assuming my older brother is at home.

What about your mom and dad? My mom is here at home and my dad is at work.

Can you go in public looking like you do? Ew, no.

Would your parents care if you came home at 4am? No; I’m 31 years old. They’d be concerned, though. Especially since I never go anywhere or hang out with anyone anymore. If I was out that late it would definitely be unusual. However, I would have checked in to let let them know cause that’s how we are in my family.

Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? No.

What will you be doing tomorrow? Same stuff, different day.

What’d you have for dinner last night? I had Wingstop. 

Did you eat all of it? No, but a lot of it.

What temperature is it outside right now? 48F.

What color’s your hair? It’s dark brown naturally, but I’ve been dyeing it red. However, I’m a year overdo so my roots are quite overgrown and it’s like half and half now. :X

Do you like flowers? Sure.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up? Checked the time.

What kind of booze did you last take shots of? It was likely tequila. I haven’t drank in 8 years, so I don’t really remember.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yes. 

If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? I’m sad I didn’t get to see Linkin Park with Chester. :(

When did you last consume something that had peanut butter? Hmm. It’s been awhile, actually.

What color were the last pair of headphones/earphones you bought? I didn’t buy them, they were a gift, but they’re black.

How many people do you live with? Are these people related to you? 3 and yes, they’re my parents and brother.

Are you a confident person, or do you keep to yourself usually? I’m not confident at all.

Do you wash your own clothes? No, I need help with that so my mom does it.

Are you afraid of thunderstorms? No, I like them.

What type of soups do you like? I’m a ramen gal, but broccoli and cheddar soup is pretty good.

Would you go 2 days without eating for $200? I’ve gone a day without eating and a couple or so days with very little food because I was sick or having appetite issues, which I have a lot. If I was feeling like that I could do it. But there’s times my body feels like it’s starving and acts all dramatic even if it hasn’t been long since I last ate, so in that case it would be really hard to do.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant? Not that I know of.

Can you cook? I can make a good bowl of ramen, ha.

Have you dated the person you texted last? Uh, no. That’s my Nana...

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking weed? I’ve gone almost 10 years since the last time and when I did do it it wasn’t a regular thing, so yeah I think I could. I haven’t had any desire to do it.

When’s the last time someone made you feel like you mattered? My family does that.

Do graveyards thrill or terrify you? Neither.

What’s the next thing you have to do that you’re dreading? My next doctor appointment.

Do you ever wear polos? No.

Do you look pretty today? No. Not today or any day. 

Are you going out of town soon? No.

Who was the last person to make you mad? My doctor.

Do you have nightmares often? No, thankfully.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Nope.

Will you be in a relationship in 50 days? No. 

What happened last time you got drunk? I got really drunk and then threw up on myself in front of my friends and it was super embarrassing. My best friend at the time thankfully helped me clean up, but still. Ugh, it was awful. I was so sick that whole night and felt like shit the next day. I don’t know what happened that night because I honestly don’t remember drinking that much. I don’t know if I had a bad interaction with my medicine or what I did drink was really strong. I was completely turned off to alcohol after that, though, and haven’t drank since.

Do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? Yeah, I don’t share drinks or food. Like, I’ll break off/cut/pour out what I’m eating and share that way, but I don’t let people bite off my food or use my utensil and vice versa. 

Do you want to know the date of your death? Absolutely not.

Do you miss the way things used to be? I miss the way a lot of things used to be.

Have you ever had a panic attack? Many times.

Do you like being called babe? Not really.

Is the last person you kissed more than 2 years older than you? No, he’s a year younger than me.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Not romantic feelings, no. 

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person that kissed you? No.

Honestly if you could go back 9 months and change something, would you? Yes.

When is the next time you will kiss someone? I have no idea. I don’t see that happening anytime soon at all.

Were you happier 7 months ago or now? Neither then or now. 

Have you ever just felt like you could cry an ocean? Yeppp.

Would you live with someone without marrying them? Yes. I don’t plan on getting married, but even IF I did I would still want to see how things go living together first.

Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? My best friend is my mom, who is with my dad.

Who do you have texts from in your inbox? Mostly from my parents, especially my mom, but some from my brother, some from my Nana, some from my aunt, and some old ones from one of my cousins.

What time did you wake up today? I first fell asleep around 3AM, woke up at 530AM for a bit, fell asleep until like 730ish, and then fell asleep again until like 9 and I’ve been up ever since (it’s 10:27AM now). Sighhhh. I hate when I get up off and on like every hour or so  like that and hardly get any sleep at all. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. :(

Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago? Most definitely. I’ve changed a lot and not in a good way. 

What were you doing at 4 am? Sleeping.

Do you reply to all of your texts? No, not all. It depends on the text. Not all need a reply or I just didn’t for whatever reason.

Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Bananas or chocolate.

What were you doing before you got on the computer? Sleeping.

What is the last thing you said out loud? Something to my aunt last night.

Today, would you rather go forward a week or back? Forward.

Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? Hand over the cash, please!

How bad are your hangovers? I had a few bad ones. The worst was definitely after the time I talked about earlier. 

Do you like being home alone or does it freak you out? I’m fine with it during the day, but I wouldn’t be at night.

Do you have any bruises on you? I don’t think so.

Is your last ex currently in a relationship? I don’t know.

Is there anything in your room that reminds you of the past memories? Uh, yeah. Like everything.

How do you respond to being nervous? I get very fidgety and squirmy and anxious. I mess with my nails, I bite my lips, I play with my hair, twiddle my thumbs. My heart rate goes up. I have a hard time breathing. My stomach feels like its in knots. I sweat. ...not a fun time.

Who is the most recent addition to your contacts? I don’t even recall the last time I added a new contact.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name? My mom has a purple heart.

Where was the last place you went besides your house? The doctor.

Have you ever thrown a cell phone in anger? No.

Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you? I’m not wearing one.

Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Haaaa, no.

Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with an A? Nope.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone & what did you talk about? My mom when she called the other day to see if I wanted her to stop by somewhere on her way home to get me something to eat.

Do you have tan lines? No.

How are you feeling? Right now I’m tired and hungry. I also feel kind of sick cause I took my medicine on an empty stomach, which bothers me more sometimes than others. Today seems to be one of those times. :/

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Listened to ASMR and scrolled through Tumblr.

Ever feel like you’re not good enough? Many times. It’s been a constant feeling these past few years.

Were you smiling in the last picture taken of you? Yeah.

How many funerals have you been to? Three.

Movies or bowling? Movies.

At the beginning of September who were you "with"? I was single.

Is there a girl you can tell anything to? I could, yes.

What do the majority of people in your life call you? Steph.

Do you dye your hair? I get it done at the salon.

If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first? I’d have to pay off my debt first and foremost.

Something you really want right now? I should drag myself outta bed and try to eat something.

Would you prefer being locked in a room with the person you like or best friend? My best friend, which is my mom.

What color shirt are you wearing? I’m wearing a black sweatshirt.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip piercing? No.

Has anyone told you they were in love with you? My first boyfriend (and technically only).

Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit? Noooo. I have a hard time with even my own.

Name a time you thought you were going to die? During my last surgery my blood pressure dropped dangerously low and the doctors freaked out.

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? No, not always.

Have you ever kissed a blue-eyed person? Yes.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #301

“i was waiting for my chance to find the light”

Did you like the beach a lot more as a kid more than you do now? Why/Why not? I did. Everything was more fun as a kid. I never REALLY loved it, though, because I did and still do hate the heat and walking through sand and getting it stuck all over you. It's pretty much torture now because I have extreme difficulty walking through sand. Has there ever been a time where you just couldn't stop crying? Explain. I know I've had days many years ago when my PTSD was truly awful where I'd sob multiple times a day. What's your least favorite time of day? Why don't you like that time?Late afternoon, like around 3-4 or so. By that point I'm usually bored senseless and going downhill. Do you like your lips? Do you enjoy kissing? They're fine, ig. And I mean yeah, if I'm really into the person? Do you like any music from the American Idols? Which ones? Ngl, I don't even remember any besides Kelly Clarkson, and who the FUCK doesn't like "Breakaway." Do you like when people challenge you? If so, in what? No, I get nervous about embarrassing myself. Personally for you, is falling for someone way beyond your control? It is entirely out of my control. What's something other than a fruit that you love in milkshakes? (Ex.twix ) Mostly chocolate stuff, haha. What is your all time FAVORITE milkshake? Ever tried the Reese's Blast from Sonic? That's some A+ shit. What's the latest you've ever stayed up reading a book? No clue. When having a peanut butter & jam sandwich, what is the best kind of jam? Grape. Do you like to write poetry? Yeah, but it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I used to do it aaall the time, but now I have to be seriously motivated and dedicated to the idea. When you get mad do you cry? Absolutely. Would you ever consider modeling? No. I do think one or two model-esque photos of myself would be nice and possibly help my self-confidence, but it's not something I'm seeking out and paying for. Are you scared of crossing bridges? Not very, no. If they're kinda sketchy-looking, I might feel a tad tense, but I'm not really scared of them. Would you consider yourself clumsy? I am unfuckingbelievably clumsy. Ever bought ice cream from an ice cream truck? Yeah, sometimes Mom would let me and my sisters do that as kids when one came through our neighborhood. Have you ever had a poem or story published? No. If you had/have a kid would you ever let them get a tattoo? If they were of the appropriate age, of course. And if they were getting it done professionally and not at some party drunk with friends. They better be in a sterile environment with someone who knows what they're doing. Do you love guinea pigs? Absolutely. I had three or four as pets when I was a kid. What is the worst thing you ever did that got you grounded? Probably run away from home. Have you ever been chased by a snake? No... and this is a misconception. Snakes don't chase. They go for what they see as the safest escape route, and sometimes they identify your own chosen direction as where they wanted to head, too. Where do you wanna work? I want to be a freelance photographer. What awards have you won? A lot of "A honor roll" trophies through school, among other academic awards. I seriously don't know what happened to that intelligence. I also have dance awards and lots of childhood sports team stuff. Would you consider yourself good at taking care of kids? I don't think I am, no. I'm way too nervous and awkward around kids. I've had to babysit for my sister twice though, and Ashley told me the kids had lots of fun and had no complaints. I guess like... I can do it, I am just very, very uncomfortable taking kids under my wing. I worry about leading them in the wrong direction. How old would a guy have to be before you wouldn't date them? I don't know, it would really depend on how much I was into the person. I generally stick with the approximation of a ten year gap though being my limit, so I think maybe him being in his mid-30s would make me feel a bit too weird. Be honest, have you ever tried weed? No, but quite honestly, I'd probably try an edible. I refuse to smoke anything for my lungs' sake. I'm curious if medical marijuana would actually be beneficial for me. Has anyone ever broken up with you with a note? No, but uh... I have, lol. It's how I broke up with my "puppy-dog love" boyfriend in middle school. Literally after he asked me if I was thinking of breaking up with him, and I said no before handing him the note because I was just too scared to do it to his face. I know, that was absolutely awful. Never, ever do that to the most innocent boy ever, kids. He didn't deserve that. Do you have sensitive teeth? Kinda. What was the worst thing you ever did to get detention/suspended? I've only ever had detention once for having too many tardies to my first class of the day in high school. We'd frequently arrive to school just a few minutes late because I was fucking impossible to drag out of bed. Have you ever suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder? Yes. Do you suffer from nasal allergies? Yes. What's your favorite kind of pudding? I only really like chocolate pudding. Have you done anything really interesting lately? I guess you could consider starting a virtual partial hospitalization program "interesting." It's not the intensive version like my first was, but rather being shorter. I just really need something to get my mental health back on the tracks. What’s the latest really fun thing you’ve done? REALLY fun? Hell if I know. I don't experience "fun" a lot at all anymore... I only ever feel like, this watered down, unenthusiastic sorry excuse for it. Have you discovered any good music lately? Oh yeah, I've found lots of 3TEETH songs I'm mad into. "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli is also a total bop. How about any good new television shows? No. Or perhaps some interesting books? Nothing new, no. Have you picked up a new hobby or learned a new skill? I mean, within what timespan? Nothing lately, really. Has anybody ever done your makeup for you? Yeah. Do you own any sparkly items of clothing? No. What’s the most colorful accessory you own and use? *shrug* Do you enjoy drag artists’ work? If so, name some of your favorites. Oh yes, I have wild respect for drag queens. I don't know enough of them to have a fair favorite, but I do watch Trixie Mattel on YouTube and he is a goddamn hoot. What, right now, is the best thing in your life? Um. I don't really know. Probably the fact my mother still lets my too-big-for-the-nest ass to live with her... I don't want to picture how my life would be if I didn't have her still essentially holding my hand. What’s a place you like to go to when you need to get away for a bit? I actually love car rides for this, so long as I can ride passenger and just blare my music and not talk. It's so odd, being afraid of driving but finding great freedom and comfort in just... going. Do you like apples? I love apples. Anything exciting coming up for you in the near future? I paid the deposit for my tattoo appointment, so it was officially scheduled in May!! I was expecting an open date to be kinda far with just how amazing this parlor is, so I wasn't too shocked to hear I have to wait a few months, but man I can hardly wait. When you get an account for something, what's the first username you try? Unless it's for a "professional" site, in which case I'd use my actual name, I just about without fail with use "Ozzkat," or replace the "o" with a zero if that's somehow taken. Would you be okay with a friend wanting to date one of your exes? Which ex? What kind of accent do people typically have where you're from? Southern. Does history interest you at all? Can't say it does. What's something you wish you could do-over? There are many things, man. Is your hair in layers or is it all the same length? Neither, really. The left side of my head is very short/shaved, and as the hair goes around to the right, it gets longer. There aren't "layers," though. Is there anyone who you're afraid to be in a car with, if they're driving? I wouldn't say afraid, but with my sister's road rage and serious tail-gating issue, riding with her can make me nervous. What's something you're very good at? Um, I guess creative writing. Do you like sour gummy worms? oh FUCK yeah Would you pick up a hitchhiker if they seemed harmless? No. I am way too paranoid for that shit. Would you be bothered if your boyfriend liked to bite you? Uhhh I'm going to assume you mean this in a sexual context, in which case I don't care so long as it's not in a visible spot. How often do you get the opportunity to be completely alone? The answer used to be a shitload, and seeing as I'm in my room most of the time, I still feel like that's kind of true, but since Mom's cancer diagnosis and she had to stop working, she's usually home with me. I like it that way, though. Total isolation is bad for me. Do you have a trampoline? Nah, haven't in many years. What's your favorite Pixar movie? Finding Nemo. What is the strangest thing you've been asked? Something sexual that made me extremely uncomfortable. What’s the weirdest thing about life that people just accept as normal? The fact we put so much worth into pieces of green paper. What's the most random thing you've done out of boredom? *shrug* What show did your parents not let you watch as a kid? There weren't any specific shows that we even wanted to watch that Mom forbade us to see... I mean she certainly wouldn't let my sisters and I watch something like South Park as little kids, but none of us really sought unsuitable shows out. We were all about Disney, Nick, and Animal Planet in my case. What is the most pleasurable feeling that doesn't involve anything sexual? What comes to mind first is a big hug from someone who makes you feel safe when you don't anywhere else. What was your last "oops, wrong person" moment? I'm going to assume I sent somebody a text meant for another person. I'm super careful about avoiding stuff like this because I get horribly embarrassed, so it's difficult to recall the last time I slipped up. What do you find attractive that isn't considered "normal" attraction? Having a broad imagination and drive to create. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done drunk? N/A What's something you really enjoy, but can't have? A pet tarantula because Mom refuses to let me lmao. I'm so into them now and desperately want a Grammastola pulchra. What Wikipedia article have you recently read? I haven't read any recently. What subject should be taught at schools, but isn't? Basic adulting and financial skills. What is the worst game you've ever played? I dunno. I've played sooooo many video games throughout my life. What tragic event was coincidentally beneficial to you? My overdose because it led to an intensive partial hospitalization program that totally changed my life. What did you think was cool when you were younger that you now think isn’t? Good question... What are your favorite or most memorable lines from any movie/show? I vaguely remember the concepts of some quotes, but not well enough to recite them. None that are seriously memorable or heavy pop up in my head now. What's a good example of 'Don't knock it till you try it'? Putting peanut butter on top of waffles with syrup. It is fucking delicious. What's your go-to get pumped up song? 5FDP's cover of "Mama Said Knock You Out" is badass HYPE. What's the dumbest thing your parents have said or done? Well, through a family assessment before my current partial hospitalization could begin, I very recently learned my dad fucking did drugs before my sisters and I were born, including shit like cocaine. That was great to suddenly learn. As for my mom... probably have a kid too young? She doesn't talk very much about her eldest daughter's history with (and without) her, but I know enough to know that was a very rocky time in her life. What are some things you wish existed? Cures for countless illnesses, and I also have SUUUUUCH a yearning for some kind of technology that could copy an image in your head onto a drawing device. If only I could draw how/what I see up there... Which person shaped you the most? Jason. Or Mom. What’s the one movie you couldn’t finish? Why? Couldn't tell you; I just haven't watched enough. What's a small thing you have a big passion for? Meerkats, quite literally with "small" lmao. What change have you made recently to help the environment? I have metal straws I try to remember to bring with me if I go out to eat. What was the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive? The way Jason left. Is there anything or anyone you're angry at, that you haven't forgiven yet? I sometimes question if I truly have forgiven Jason. I lean kinda heavily towards yes, I have, I'm just bitter about it all regardless. Have you ever plotted revenge against someone? No. Have you ever done anything to get revenge against someone? I can't think of anything off the top of my head. What is the greatest longing of your heart? To feel purpose. Who was your first love? Some guy in high school who "had" to talk to me upon seeing me the first time, only to wind up wanting to hear nothing from me later on down the line. What denomination is your church (if you go)? N/A What was the first year you voted in a presidential election? This most recent election, actually. Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? I used to worry it would happen in my lifetime, but now I don't. If it ends, it ends. I ain't got much to lose nowadays. What is unfair about your life? My mental health. My financial position. I'd rather not focus on the billion shitty things going on in my life rn, so next question. Did you write love poems when you were younger? ugh Who are you jealous of and why? There's a lot of people I'm in some way envious of, honestly. Have you ever had an account of yours hacked? Yes. Thankfully nothing major happened. Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No.

[marysunshine23]

Headcanons: OFF Edition

I did my headcanons for Sally Face before (specifically with Sal), so I decided to do another obscure game!

The Batter

Black short hair

“Hmph”

Loves dad jokes so long as they don’t involve him

Wants to “purify” the world to cover up the fact that he had a child before discovering he was gay

Not crazy about pets

Tough love kind of parent

Tall - between 5′10″ (178cm) and 6′4″ (193cm)

Very intelligent

Kind of egotistical (and by kind of I mean really)

The Judge/Pablo

Either an orange short hair or a maine coon

Wants all the pets (all of them)

Prefers wet food over dried

Can actually, like, read

VOCAL KITTY

Very much an outdoor cat

Owned by Zacharie officially, but mostly just does his own thing

Loves head scratches and butt scratches

Zacharie

MiLlEnNiAL

Meme lord

Any time he’s not working, he’s probably smoking pot or taking a nap

Big guy (like, not fat or buff, just big)

Sleeve Tattoos

Has lots of app games to pass the time

Likes animals in general

Mixed race (Hispanic/French)

Chronic bed-head syndrome

Little bit shorter than Batter

Smells like weed and Old Spice

Is a Cancer (Born between June 22 and July 22)

Bisexual or Pansexual

Dedan

Chronic asshole syndrome

Even compliments sound backhanded

Greater-than-thou mentality

Has a million of the same coat from ripping them open in frustration

Breaks stuff easily

Looks for reasons to lose his shit

“Fuck you”

King of impatient finger rolling

Ace?

Valerie

Owned by Sucre/Sugar

Grey variant of whatever breed Pablo is

Quiet baboo

Shy

Is the type to hide whenever the door is opened

AnXiOuS

Believes in “Do unto others as you would have done upon yourself”

Likes sunbathing with Pablo

Japhet

Hates all predatory animals

“BOW BEFORE ME, DEGENERATE!”

Knows when he’s lost, but fights anyway

Probably the smartest of the three

Gracious loser

Yellow and/or Red

Enoch

Big dick energy

Emotional eater

Probably chews tobacco

Purposefully told the Elsens that specters were their friends to watch them get hurt and/or killed

Sadistic asshole

Naturally rosy cheeks, but face turns red when he’s mad

Impatient

Homophobic, Transphobic, hates every color of that LGBTQ+ flag

Elsens

*wheeze*

Probably sound like that from breathing all that damn smoke

Anxiety incarnate

Insomnia is common

Timid

Would be introverted if it were an option

Don’t actually enjoy their jobs, but do it so their guardians don’t yell at them

Jumpy

The Queen

*insert “a little confused but I like their enthusiasm” meme here*

Has zero idea how to be a mom

Would probably be a Karen

Narcissus Syndrome

Wants to be a better parent than Batter (which isn’t really that difficult...)

Aromantic but Pansexual

Hugo

Imagination~

Has that piece of meat because he’s still growing baby teeth

Created the Queen and the Batter based off his own parents, who were neglectful and/or abusive

Autoimmune deficiency

Came up with the elements based off of what is being sold in commercials

Young enough to have trouble differentiating adults, hence why all the Elsens look alike

Has only really been outside, like, five times ever

Needs a hug

Sucre/Sugar

MtF

Best friends with Zacharie (who supported her through the transition)

Likes frosted sugar cookies

That person who orders a super crazy custom drink at a coffee shop

Binge watches Netflix

Would live by a stream if she could

Has a sink full of unwashed dishes and continues to just order take out

Toll girl (maybe an inch shorter than Batter)

Fuck shoes

Weeb

Lesbian

Edit: I didn’t add sexualities for the animal characters or for Hugo because I don’t think of them in a sexual way. If they are, then I don’t wanna know about it. I also didn’t add sexualities for the Elsens because I feel like they’re... incapable? Like, they just exist to work. So... I guess they’re all ace? I don’t know. I also didn’t put anything for the Batter because it’s canon that he’s gay lesbian??? (I still think he’s gay?)

[the-desolated-quill]

BBC’s The War Of The Worlds blog - Episode 2

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Never before have I witnessed something this god awful. I’m actually gobsmacked. I knew Peter Harness was a terrible writer, but I didn’t think even he could fuck up this badly. I was utterly dumbfounded by the end of the second episode. I couldn’t believe what I just watched. Not only does this fail as an adaptation of War Of The Worlds, it fails as a story in and of itself.

The problems with Episode 2 surface almost immediately within the first few minutes. A flash forward to a post apocalyptic Earth where we see Amy taking care of her son as humanity struggles to survive because of the red weed (which doesn’t look terribly convincing sadly, but that’s the least of this series’ problems). From there the episode continuously switches back and forth to the invasion and the aftermath throughout, which completely ruins the pacing, but it’s actually even worse than that. These flash forwards also giveaway the ending of the story. That the Martians end up losing. Harness tries to act all clever-clever with it by having British propaganda claim that the army defeated them, but the damage has already done. Thanks to this reveal, Harness has successfully managed to completely suck all tension from the story completely. The Martians no longer pose a threat because we, the audience, know they eventually lose, and we know that Amy at least survives, so at no point do we ever worry about her safety. I was absolutely flabbergasted when I saw this. I couldn’t believe any writer could be this stupid as to sabotage their own story by completely defanging their villains. As for the red weed slowly killing the planet, not only do I feel this unnecessarily complicates a perfectly simple narrative, it also opens the door for humanity to overcome their Martian oppressors when the whole point of the original story was that we only survived by the skin of our teeth. Our human ingenuity had nothing to do with it. We’ll have to wait and see what Episode 3 brings, but I’m not optimistic.

Meanwhile the invasion itself is still just as stilted and lacking in focus as it was before. Certain scenes stand out, like the black smoke enveloping London and the Tripods attacking the ferries, but because we know the Martians ultimately lose and that Amy survives, there’s absolutely zero suspense. (And yes, I know War Of The Worlds is a hundred year old story and everyone knows how it ends, but that doesn’t mean you can’t build tension). Also because of Harness wilfully reducing the Martians to incompetent fools, he has to resort to cheap shock tactics in the desperate hopes of scaring the audience, like when we see one of the Tripods kill a baby. Or how about the bit where Amy almost gets raped in the post invasion scenes? After all that performative feminist posturing last week, it’s quite galling to see such a sexist trope be used here for a cheap bit of drama. It’s fucking pathetic.

And once again the focus is in all the wrong areas. Instead of depicting the horrifying events of the Martian invasion, Harness is more preoccupied with Amy and Rupert Graves’ character (I’m sure he has a name, but I can’t be bothered to remember it at this point) squabbling every five minutes. Guys! Humanity is being destroyed by fucking aliens! Can this not wait?!

I’m assuming the whole baby killing thing was an attempt to show us the selfish nature of man or something, but George and the Artilleryman barely make the effort to actually look for the baby and the scene doesn’t go on nearly long enough to get us invested in the search and their eventual failure. The baby is practically thrown away just so Harness can have a moment where social media will go ‘OMG, they killed a baby in War Of The Worlds! How edgy!’ And the annoying thing is the book does actually have morally grey and shocking moments that Harness could have adapted if he wasn’t too busy trying to second-guess the audience and show what a dark and edgy writer he is. There are two important characters in the source material that the narrator encounters who offer different points of view on the events of the novel. There’s the priest who we see slowly lose faith in God and become more and more panicked and erratic, and there’s the Artilleryman, who represents British colonial attitudes, believing that humanity will ultimately triumph when the evidence clearly doesn’t support this. Here the Artilleryman is played by Dudley Dursley himself Harry Melling, who does a decent job with the material he has been given, but unfortunately the character he’s being forced to play is just utterly inadequate.

Continuing with his trend of writing allegories to things that have nothing to do with War Of The Worlds, Peter Harness takes the opportunity to comment on military conscription, even though conscription wasn’t introduced to the UK until 1916. So now the Artilleryman isn’t some impressionable nationalist that has willingly bought into imperial dogma, but rather he’s a scared little bunny rabbit forced to fight a war against an enemy beyond his comprehension. Worse still, George gets conscripted into the military for literally no fucking reason. He doesn’t get given a gun or anything and despite the fact that he knows more about the Martians than the soldiers do, none of them fucking listen to him when he tries to explain the heat pulse thing or why it might not be a good idea to shout at a Tripod. Then, when they think they won the battle, the captain points his gun at George and forces him to wade into the marshes and investigate. Again I must stress that George doesn’t have a gun! It’s just utterly contrived!

Oh but don’t worry. Harness finally addresses what the source material is actually about. British imperialism and colonialism. Unfortunately he does it with the subtlety and nuance of a giant steamroller driven by Marilyn Manson. Now admittedly the book isn’t very subtle about it either as the narrator comes right out with the comparisons between the British and the Martians, but the thing is the book gets away with it because it’s told from the perspective of a journalist writing about his own experiences after the fact. H.G. Wells has the licence to draw direct parallels because the narrative form he has chosen allows him to. A TV series however - a visual medium - cannot get away with this. Harness, not having the faintest idea how to address the themes of the source material organically in the visuals or the plot, resorts to sledgehammer tactics to get the point across. In the flash forwards to post apocalyptic Britain, we see Amy’s son reading a book that details how the British defeated the Martians as part of some propaganda initiative. A speech is made about how powerful and unstoppable the British Empire is, whilst intercut with soldiers having their arses handed to them by the Tripods. We see several characters maintain a stereotypical ‘stiff upper lip’ attitude as though the Martian invasion was a minor inconvenience instead of a shocking tragedy. There’s even a moment where the Minister of War is babbling on about how much more powerful the Empire can become if they can use Martian technology before succumbing to the Martian’s black smoke and we see literal bile foam from his mouth. It’s all so painfully on the nose and doesn’t offer any intelligent points or topics for discussion other than ‘empires are bad.’

And that’s not to mention all the other contrivances and annoyances in this episode. Despite Eleanor Tomlinson giving it her all, I still couldn’t give two shits about her character. Rafe Spall’s performance as George is still utterly atrocious, running around with a gormless expression on his face as though he’s just lost his wallet. Rupert Graves is utterly wasted as George’s brother and has no good material to work with. We also have a little girl join the group in a desperate bid to draw some sort of emotional reaction from the audience (it doesn’t work) and we have a sick older woman who serves no purpose whatsoever as far as I can see. In fact she really pissed me off due to the way in which she gets poisoned. It’s clearly meant to be there to establish the Martians terraforming Earth, but good God it’s stupid. How does she get poisoned? By drinking a random cup of water someone had just happened to leave lying around in the middle of a field.

I... I... Harness.... Harness, does your brain work?! How the flying fuck did you ever manage to get a career as a writer?!?!

BBC, I beg of you, please stop using our TV licence fees to fund hack screenwriters’ poorly thought out and unentertaining fanfiction!

PLEASE!

[theaterkid821]

Gather ‘round peeps. It’s story time. (Spoilers for changes so don’t read if you’re seeing it soon in the future)

Pre-show

So the first thing I feel like I need to say is that if you are a purist for what they call BMC 1.0, you may not like this. There were a lot of changes to lyrics and lines. It was the same show we all love, but it was different. I loved most of the changes but I can see why some people wouldn’t. 

In Will Roland’s bio, he says “actor/singer/human.” That’s not important to the show, but it was important to me that you know that. 

Also something for my fellow plus size people, the seats are not the most accommodating. Hopefully that isn’t a deterrent, but it is something you should probably know. 

They have a thing called squiptheline.com where you can preorder your merch and pick them up. I got poster, sticker pack, and lip balm (they are mountain dew and mountain dew red)

And then it begins...

They had the SQUIP do the intro and it was beautifully hysterical. 

They lit up the dot on the “i” (which was a little pill) on the curtain-thing 

The shelves behind Jeremy’s bed were full of nerd shit and it was beautiful. 

Jeremy has glasses. Nerd level even higher

Jeremy’s dad comes on with unwashed bowls of cereal, old pizza boxes, and cartoons on. Really adds to his depressed aesthetic. 

When he’s leaving, you see the mailbox full of mail.

He comes back on as the bus driver so quickly.... how?

During the dance bit, he runs into everyone and shouts “girls!” and then shouts “boys!”

Instead of “so Jenna Roland... I mean slutty” dialogue, they change it to “What are you staring at.... I’ve never even noticed him.”

Signup comes from up above. It’s awesome. 

Christine comes on to catch her Eos chapstick (as someone who uses Eos chapstick, I can tell you this is 100% accurate) and then dramatic application

After second verse, before Michael’s entrance, they have Chloe talk dodge a question about her and Jake’s breakup and then Jenna says she saw him with someone. To which Chloe responded, “tell me everything” and then exited. 

George Salazar is amazing and I love him. 

Even from the beginning, with Michael you weren’t sure on the LGBTQ+ spectrum he was, but he DEFINITELY wasn’t straight. 

(Headcannon #1 they used; Michael’s has 2 moms); when seeing the infamous “boyf” “riends,” he took out his phone to take a selfie and said “my mothers would be thrilled!”

Play thing came down from the sky again and Christine lay on the floor for a little bit so you could see her face underneath until it covered her

She did the chorus line dance!

The awkwardness of the scene before I Love Play Rehearsal. 10/10. 

The popular kids knocked Christine and Jeremy off the chairs (my poor babies!)

Slightly after Jake impressing Christine: “Why are you guys doing the play anyways” “Brooke’s doing it because of Chloe, Chloe’s doing it because of me, and Rich is doing it because he’s my boy” “and why are you doing it” “well i’m doing it because of you”

Bathroom scene even had the florescent lights come down.

Rich flushes Jeremy’s head down the urinal (poor child I wanted to hug him)

They whispered “so its like... drugs?” “it’s better than drugs Jeremy”

ITS FROM JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. ‘Nough said

The projection behind the backup was TERRIFYING. They projected people all in white behind them doing the movements.

The rolled the bed on stage for 2 Player Game

Screaming “The cafetorium!” and then having the quieter music as they sit and play the game, emotionless was beautiful. 

“You’re like this bottle of Crystal Pepsi that expired in 1996″ “Is that safe for human consumption?” “Gets better with age”

They had a projection of the game in the background at the end.

They had fog in the shoebox as well as a blue light

“to activate take with mountain dew... not sure why.... and this is important, to deactivate-we’re sold out!”

And then never ended that thought...

“how do you feel?” “like...” singing to add to the dramatic moment and then... “a chump.”

“this guy is hooking me up with a case of ecto-something (i forget). It’s the ghostbusters drink they discontinued in the 90s!” “What does it taste like?” *whispered* “Ghosts!”

(Headcannon #2 they used; Jeremy being a furry); “my default mode you can also set me for... sexy anime female in cat suit with tail.”

They added an intro to Be More Chill

They cut out “i’m a super computer Jeremy, I’m made of math”

The SQUIP was sitting on the clothing rack for the clothing store part

Chloe broke a hanger after hearing he went with Madeline

For Do You Want a Ride, it started with Brooke began by slowly dragging the straw in and out of her soda can ;)

For the Reprise of Be More Chill, they had both the old lady in the track suit, and a lady in the scooter

her license plate said “bingo queen”

SQUIP comes back on in this weird jacket

New song here! Synched Up!

The SQUIP fixes his vision and he doesn’t need the glasses

It’s hard to describe the song, but it’s about friends being “synched” and how everyone is hiding something underneath.

You hear Michael a couple times, but you don’t see him

Talking about Mr. Reyes “his dreams are dead. That’s why he eats so many hot pockets” (hot pockets is sing-song)

When Jeremy says he was doing performance art, Christine has her own idea for a performance art piece. You don’t hear anything about the idea until then end when she’s squatting and shouts “and then I give birth to the bowling ball!”

You don’t hear it because the SQUIP is talking to Jeremy saying she’s unusual because she doesn’t seem to care what anyone else thinks. 

During play rehearsal: “bring me patient zero!” “cough!” (she says cough). Then Brooke says her line in stressed iambic pentameter.

They had little hearts for Guy I’d Kinda Be Into

The SQUIP was all ready to point to Jeremy at the end and then was like “wtf” when she said Jake

They had bleachers for the football field for the scene before and during Upgrade

“She wants to make out with you” “Ive never made out with anyone in my life”

End of Brooke’s solo in the beginning, they changed. “So kiiiiiiiiiiiiss meeeeeeee.” *giant pause and then repeated melody* “like noooooooooooooooow” 

They added dialogue after Jake and Christine which lead to this layering thing of them all singing “I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am”

Loser Geek Whatever is so much more emotional than even when i saw it off broadway.

The SQUIP came back out in a very elaborate dress/jacket thing. It was cool

They played a jazzy version of the Pants Song during intermission

Christine dressed as a sexy princess 

They added more harmonies to Halloween

Chloe was wasted for Do You Wanna Hang

The SQUIP fell onto the bed after going into factory setting

They took out the 

Michael In the Bathroom... if you have a chance to see George Salazar perform this live, I highly recommend

Christine and Jeremy communicating through sounds is beautiful and just... a mood. 

There was a sparkly red bra behind them

Rich takes a pumpkin and sets the house on fire. 

For Smartphone hour, the changed the first verse of the chorus to “Rich set a fire and he burned down Jake’s house” which helps me immensely (fun fact, someone once thought I was crazy because my friend once texted me “did Rich set his own house on fire, or Jake’s house?” and they saw it and thought my friends were arsonists. I mean, I am somewhat insane, but... not for that reason)

Michael and the dad’s female characters came down from the ceiling.

Michael had shark slippers, Rich had unicorn slippers, and Jeremy’s dad was in a onesie that said “naughty”

I have said this before and I will say this again, it takes real courage to be on stage in front of a few hundred people and sing whilst in your boxers

Michael was wearing weed socks and was smoking of course

Jeremy’s dad thought he was burning incense lol

Christine: “Everyone is hurting and I don’t know how to help. So I guess I’ll just do theatre.” got such a laugh

They basically rewrote all the lyrics for Pitiful Children

Robotic kick-line

Christine knows what a SQUIP is because someone in her theatre camp took one and is now in a mental hospital... coincidence?

The SQUIP comes down from the sky and his chest lights up

Michael breaks through the paper scenery for “MICHAEL MAKES AN ENTRANCE!”

Everyone in zombie costumes for the fight scene makes the parallels to the game so much better

Rich has the lisp!

(Headcannon #3 they use; Rich and Michael); “anti-social headphones kid... is he single?” *sees him* “oh hiiiiii.” “Hi Rich,” *very awkwardly* “Bye Rich!” If you don’t want it, you don’t have to see it. But if you do ship it... oh my god.

He puts on his glasses again!

(Headcannon #4 they use; calling the group the squad); they rewrote the verse for Chloe, Jake, Brooke, and Jenna. they say to Jeremy “we’re your squad” not exactly the SQUIP squad, but still

When asked what her SQUIP looked like, Christine said RBG

For the date, Jeremy suggests the performance art she said she wanted to do.

At the end, there’s a projection of the SQUIP in the background

I’m tagging people who liked the previous post or commented so... Tag list: @molly-wonder-queer @72748-blog @simranthefangirl

[prorevenge]

How I stopped my co-workers and I being bullied, by outing that awful woman as a serial sexual assaulter. TW mentions of sexual assault.

I think this is a pro-revenge, if not tell me and I will post it elsewhere!

Also, this will be a long one... I am very verbose, and it spills over into text too!

A long time ago I worked for a fast food place that has a very noticeable “golden” (bright yellow usually) symbol.

The People Involved:

Me: a 17-19 year old male living in a medium sized town in the UK. (I am now old, relatively, damn, how does that happen? :) ) Also a giant toker at the time, had dreadlocks and smoked almost everyday.

Bitchqueen: a hostile, but shockingly beautiful, and thoroughly nasty human woman, approx 19-23 ish during all this nonsense.

TheBigMan: a 2nd assistant manager who I got on really well with from day one. He took no shit from bullshitters, had zero tolerance for Bitchqueen (his usual greeting was something like “Hey Bitchqueen, who are you going to pick on today?”) and if he saw her bullying someone he would just walk in between her and the victim and bend down to stare in her face. She would walk off and pretend nothing had happened. More than once he stated if BQ were a man she would have been beaten senseless by him by now. He hated violence, but she was really awful! Also he was a bit of a unit. As in 250lbs of muscle and a gym obsession long before it was cool! Also a fairly big smoker, we used to get high after work a lot with some of the other employees.

AwesomeManager: my stores 1st assistant manager, who was a wonderful women who helped me as a human a lot in a huge number of ways. Protecting me from Bitchqueen was only part of it.

Senior Area Manager: who I will call SAM, since all the actual Sam's I have know have all been good dudes too! Also a great protector from the BS of BQ.

MonsterBitch: the new store manager and the proximate cause of her own, and BQ's downfall. Also a troll faced harridan who oozed hate and bitterness.

So time to tell the tale of how it panned out.

I had been there a year or so before Bitchqueen was promoted to manager. Until then she was obnoxious but powerless, but somehow, after marrying the store manager she got a promotion (jumping the next two steps up at that) to second assistant manager. Surprising eh?

I had been warned by TheBigMan when I was first hired to never be alone with her as she had a number of young men fired for “groping” her by her Store Manager-BF/Fiancé/Husband (even when the video showed that there was no close contact let alone groping in some of those cases . I was super careful in this regard.

Bitchqueen started playing games with the rota against me and a few others she hated. I think she hated me because I got along with most people, and she always hated sociable and non-bitchy people. Her favourites got the best shifts and the people she hated had our hours cut and shifted about without warning. She would pencil in changes a few minutes before a shift started (I caught her doing it but her store manager husband didn't want to deal with it) and then send home the one who turned up for their (now given away) shift with a warning. She would then call up and scream at the one who was off, but now suddenly on shift, for not arriving when they had no idea the shift was changed. It's sort of genius really, getting two workers Bitchqueen hated in one blow! She did try this crap on me but I just called Awesome Manager and she checked the computer records and sorted it out, she also let Bitchqueen know she was going to be checking the rota daily and approving all changes, so Bitchqueen had to find a new tactic.

I was a pretty hard worker (it made the time pass quicker for me) and was friends with the AwesomeManager (and TheBigMan), who protected me from Bitchqueens bullshit almost all of the time, and would fix things when shit happened while AwesomeManager was off work. I also cultivated a good relationship with with our SAM, and he ended up setting up a special store rescue team to sort out failing (franchise usually) stores in the area, placing me in charge of it as the top trainer of the group (Bitchqueen was maybe 7 months into being a manager at this point). This made me more or less untouchable (as long as I kept my nose clean) and so Bitchqueen went mental. She started on my friends, bullying and abusing them in work, and trying to get them all written up. They told me and I told AwesomeManager, she slapped Bitchqueen down again, metaphorically of course. TheBigMan made some complaints about her treatment of the other staff and she calmed down a little. Until her husband got “promoted” to a different store some distance away. Later SAM admitted this was an attempt to calm the drama at our store... But how wrong it all went!

Our new store manager was a MonsterBitch, but good at hiding it to begin with. After a few weeks AwesomeManager noticed that only young women were getting accepted after interviews, and pointed this out to Me and TheBigMan, and asked us to keep out eyes and ears out for anything dodgy going on. It wasn't long until it became clear what was happening.

I had made pretty good friend with one of the new hires (I admit it, I was interested and she was hot ), I will call her ShyNSweet, she was a lovely but very sheltered young lady from a nearby village, living in a house share in the town we worked in. She went out with “the girls” a group centred on MonsterBitch, Bitchqueen and a couple of MonsterBitch's “friends” on a Friday, and the next day in work was really distracted. We finished at the same time so I offered ShyNSweet a lift (that is I gave her a ride home in my car for our American friends) and she said yes since we lived pretty close together. In the car I asked if she had a fun night (just asking to fill the time, I wasn't digging at this point) and she replied in a very non-committal way. I remembered her saying she had a great time to Bitchqueen earlier during our shift so I asked her if she was OK. She burst into tears and told me that she had been the back of a Taxi with MonsterBitch and one of the “friends” (Bitchqueen was upfront) and MB and the friend had been groping ShyNSweet really hard (she showed me some bruises on her sides and thighs later, she said she had more on her boobs) and telling her she had to go back to their house and “experience real sex”. I was livid! But I tried to be outwardly calm. I told her that they should be punished, and I would support her, and I knew that SAM, AwesomeManager and TheBigMan would all have her back. I recommended we go to the police, but she was afraid she would lose her job. I knew she wouldn't, but couldn't convince her quickly and I didn't want to traumatise her further, so I just said what ever she chose I would support, and to call me if she is ever in a similar situation and I will come get her. She hugged me for ages crying and we went and had a cup of tea in her house. Her flatmate knew something was up and I encouraged ShyNSweet to tell her too. She did and I left after making them more tea.

I had to do something, but I couldn't directly involve ShyNSweet, and although I knew SAM, AwesomeManger and TheBigMan would believe me I had no direct evidence of an assault. So what to do? Well the first thing was to check where I stood legally, and it turns out the UK is a one party consent recording jurisdiction. As long as I am in place with no reasonable expectation of privacy I don't have to inform anyone I am recording audio or video, at least according to the lawyer I asked who is a friend of my step-father. Work counted as no expectation of privacy, so I was good to record everything. Of course back then the smallest video cameras were the size of a small shoe box and really expensive, and I was a burger-chucker, so cash was tight (smoking a lot of weed didn't help there either). But you could get some reasonably cheap audio recording stuff, that with an ok microphone could be hidden in my shirt. So I started a log of Bitchqueen and MonsterBitch's antics in the store, it was nearly 8 months of recordings in total before the fan was struck by faeces. While they didn't direct much at me anymore I was able to capture multi-minute rants from both of those awful harpies on almost every shift for about six months, in one recording I got Bitchqueen ranting at a co-worker for about 20 mins and then me for another 30 mins or so after I redirected her towards me. They would call workers (almost always men, but any woman who had turned them down got some shit thrown their way too), stupid, useless and worthless etc, with lots of fun adult words mixed in. They also got into the habit of threatening everyone they dislike with firing.

I also got a lot of audio from young women about how creepy and sexually inappropriate MonsterBitch, Bitchqueen and their little gang of “lesbian” managers (most of them were or had dated men, so Bi I guess, but horrible humans regardless of their orientations) were to the women who worked for us. I got several direct statements about female co-workers being abused and told to keep quiet by the abuse gang members on various girls nights out, and a few of them referred to bad things happening at MonsterBitch's house when they were too drunk to remember everything. Basically we had a blackmail and rape gang operating in our midst!

The final attack on me came when I was called into work by AwesomeManager and told I was being investigated for smoking weed on shift. While I did smoke a lot of weed at the time I never went to work high (food you get fired for eating without permission and the munchies don't mix), and anyway that day in particular the accusation was dated was one where I hadn't had any for a couple of days or been able to sort any out for a smoke after work either. So I was totally truthful when I was asked about it by AwesomeManager, and she said that because of the bullying she was escalating this to SAM, so she “suspended” me on full pay pending an investigation. The next day SAM called me and asked me to come for a formal interview, as the first part of the information finding process. He also said TheBigMan was on shift and would be happy to be my witness. So I went down and sat in the crew room waiting for SAM with TheBigMan. SAM stuck his head around the door and said “Deny everything to do with weed!” and winked. He stepped out again and then opened the door with a serious face and asked myself and TheBigMan to come through to the back office. We went through a few questions and I answered everything truthfully (pretty sure SAM thought I was smoking that day but gave no fucks about weed) and the interview ended with SAM reinstating me, paying me for the previous day and the interview day and giving me another store to fix for two weeks to get me away from Bitchqueen and the pack of harpies.

When I was back from the failing store, but not working that Monday, I got a call from ShyNSweet. MB and BQ had told her she had to come to their “Girls only” house party that Friday (it was going to be a BBQ and probably a lot of raping drunk girls by hostile lesbians). The rape gang had been telling all the attractive girls to go to the party or “think about finding a new job if you can't be a team player”. (MB, BQ and another horror worked at our store, the other 3 worked at a nearby store)

And that was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back! I had those awful bitches!

I had organised the audio files into groups by person and topic, I had over 10 hours of insults and abuse recorded and I had nearly another 10 hours of staff telling me how they had been abused by BQ, MB and their pack of rapists.

I called SAM and told him I had to speak to him that day, he agreed and we met at a competitors store (I think they have a kingdom of burger chuckers ;) ) at lunchtime where I sat him down in front of my awful (at the time super cutting edge lol) laptop and had him listen to bits of the rape allegations first.

He started shaking with rage after about 30 seconds, stopped it and told me to go to the police.

I then started on the abusing rants messages and he listened to bits of a bunch of them and asked for copies of those files. I had already burned them to CD so I handed them over and went to the police station.

I asked for a woman police officer and had her listen to the abuse allegations. She took a CD copy of those and told me to be quiet while the investigated. I said fine, but that this Friday the rape gang would have a number of under 18's at an alcohol fuelled rape party. She asked for and got the address and details. I passed on the names of all the women who I knew for sure had been attacked in the past too, since the police wanted to contact them to confirm things, the police here never give out witness information so I was safe from retaliation.

The next Thursday I was on a late shift, so I arrived around 15:15 and when I got there the store was shut but the staff were inside. I got let in and told what had happened.

MonsterBitch and Bitchqueen had been on day shifts and were apparently non-stop talking about how great their girls only party would be, how any girl who had a boyfriend would dump him after spending the night with them, and how any women who didn't attend were basically traitors to womankind. After about 6 hours of this, and at around 14:00 6 police officers come into the store and arrest MonsterBitch and BitchQueen on suspicion of sexual assault, blackmail, extortion and assault. They were both removed in handcuffs and SAM was there just after the police to shut them out of the computers and officially suspend them. When I arrived they were just getting set to re-open so we got back to work.

Later I got more info on the case, my best friends older brother was in the police force locally and he kept us updated. MB's rape house was raided, the police found lots of videos of what was clearly assaults on drunk and non-consenting women. They got lots of text message evidence for planning sexual assaults and talking about how to control young female employees to get them to have sex with the rapists. They also had lots of threatening messages to victims to be quiet or face revenge/loss of job etc. All their victims were under 20, with most being 16-18. But the deepest fuck up for them came from this evidence, and I had no idea when I got this all in motion.

MonsterBitch had picked up a young woman from a club a few months earlier. This young lady was up for lesbian sex with MB, BQ and another friend, while a fourth on filmed it. But the young lady was 15 and just looked over 18 with makeup etc. So the rape gang had produced child porn inadvertently.

MB, BQ and all the other managers who were involved were fired after the arrests/charges.

They were all charged with a number of things, but the courts back then were even more lenient to female sexual offenders than they are now, so none of them saw prison. But they were all banned from working with children, or in an environment where children will be present, and the ones who were married/in a relationship were all divorced/broken up inside a year. Because of the UK laws at the time they were also not named publicly.

I know Bitchqueen never really recovered or grew past this, I see her now and again if I visit my mother, and she is still beautiful, but so clearly broken its almost sad.

ShyNSweet was my girlfriend for a year or so a few years later, we parted on good terms as she was off to study overseas.

AwesomeManager went on to be a store manager, and then a Pro Dominatrix, which wasn't a real surprise to me ;) She was/is a fun lady

TheBigMan, went on to run an IT dept in a large company, still a top bloke!

And I ended up in a field I love, being paid actual money to more or less mess about all day, and that is doing my job! :)

(source) (story by burgerchucker)

[absurdfuture]

'How can I complain?'

An essay about mental health by musician James Blake, from It’s Not OK to Feel Blue (And other lies).

James Blake 09 OCTOBER 2019

It’s especially easy to poke fun at the idea that a white man could be depressed. I have done it myself, as a straight white man who was depressed. In fact, I still carry the shame of having been a straight white man who’s depressed and has experienced suicidal thoughts. And still, when discussing it with most people, I will play down or skirt around how desperately sad I have been; instead I emphasize how much happier I am now. I emphasize the work I had to do to get to a better place, and how it was hard work and fruitful work, and how I empowered myself by doing it. I usually focus on how I regained control and an enthusiasm for living (‘Nice one, mate!’), not on how I lost it. That is the last of my defensiveness.

I remember doing an interview with the New York Times where the interviewer asked me why my childhood was painful, and how I got to such a dark place in my late twenties. I told him, ‘You know, other kids, bullying, etc.’ – and instantly regretted my brevity. He said something like, ‘Right, so a pretty standard childhood then.’

Fuck. After all this public talk of depression and anxiety, and many albums of expressed pain, I felt exposed as a fraud, but I was relieved not to have shown my cards and revealed how pathetic and weak I must have been when I was younger. Maybe he was right. He’d probably been through worse and wasn’t complaining about it.

I picked up a resentment towards other people from school. My parents were very loving and supportive and, unusually for my generation, still together. I went to school completely unequipped to deal with certain kids who were taking their fractured and in some cases abusive home lives out on me. I know that now. I was ‘too sensitive’, and I never learned how to act. I was a baby who’d been kept away from germs, and now I was getting ill from anything and everything. (I should say now that I have many happy memories of childhood, especially of my parents and of certain friends who I could count on, and that my inability to focus on those positives probably didn’t help.)

During my school years I spent thousands of hours walking on my own with headphones on or playing piano in the practice rooms, often going there first to cry in private and then occasionally with a mind to play. I was addicted to video games from the age of twelve, rarely going out to socialize. I had a few ‘best’ friends over the years who, looking back, I didn’t know well. But I’m grateful for having had them.

I put girls on pedestals and worshipped them, but only ever remained their friend. I fell in love many times and it was never reciprocated. I had no automatic right to them of course, but they kept me around for years and allowed me to be bullied and humiliated by their friends, accidentally betraying me out of awkwardness. I resented their understandable, youthful inability to know what to do with a sensitive boy who made them laugh and feel good about themselves, but whose body they did not want.

Boys would see my sensitivity as weakness and, while I was sharp and quick-witted, I wasn’t sporty, which was my first mistake with them, I think. Again, I didn’t know how to act. I wondered for years whether I had some behaviour disorder. I still wonder. In any case, year upon year of capricious bullying and humiliation followed.

These feelings of betrayal, persecution and rejection I kept to myself. In the crude gender stereotypes I was aware of at that age, I thought I had the sensitivity of a female but in a male’s body. I joked my way through it and made sure nobody ever saw me cry. I remained a virgin until the age of twenty-two, because I was awkward and unable to be natural around women. I was afraid of the vulnerability of sex after so many embarrassing attempts at it. (The song ‘Assume Form��� is, in part, about finding the ability to feel safe during intimacy.) It seemed to me that it had taken my success as a DJ for women to pursue me, and then I distrusted them for their sudden, transparent interest, so I pushed them all away. Slowly the face of every woman morphed into the faces of the girls who I felt had betrayed and humiliated me. And the face of every man became a bully who would underestimate me and try to kill my spirit.

Becoming relatively famous, my persecution complex turned into a self-serving narcissism, and my obsession with proving my worth to people who’d underestimated me was now being rewarded financially. To those ends, my first emotional language – music – had been the vehicle. I wanted to show everyone what they’d missed out on for all those years.

To some extent I succeeded in that, but I became so self-obsessed and isolated that I wasn’t the success I seemed to be on paper. And so the chasm grew between my alias – the guy with the ‘Pitchfork best new music 8.0+’, with the uncompromising and flourishing career, who seemed in control of everything – and the man-child who for many years was hurting, spiralling, never leaving the house, wasting away in an ego prison, refusing to collaborate, allowing himself to be bled financially and taken advantage of by his friends and their extended family, playing video games and smoking weed fourteen hours a day and not taking any care of himself what-so-ever until he was in a black depression, experiencing daily panic attacks, hallucinations and an existential crisis. I was asking questions like ‘What is the point of me?’ and saying I didn’t want to live. I became afraid of the growing fog of war outside my house because of what I knew people expected of me if I entered it: a normal interaction and, even more impossible, a new album.

I wanted people to know how I felt, but I didn’t have the vocabulary to tell them. I have gone into a bit of detail here not to make anyone feel sorry for me, but to show how a privileged, relatively rich-and-famous-enough-for-zero-pity white man could become depressed, against all societal expectations and allowances. If I can be writing this, clearly it isn’t only oppression that causes depression; for me it was largely repression.

I’m still not sure I fully believe I am entitled to be depressed or sad at all, because I’m white and cisgender and male, and life for people like me is undoubtedly the easiest of any group. But my privilege didn’t make me want to stick around, and it makes me feel even more embarrassed for having let myself go.

When the delusional mental force field of whiteness finally popped (the ‘psychosis’ of whiteness, as Kehinde Andrews puts it, which most white people are still experiencing – I was still able to reap the now obvious benefits of being white, straight and male but without the subconscious ability to ignore my responsibility to the marginalized), I started having the uncomfortable but rational thought that my struggle was actually comparatively tiny, and that any person of colour or member of the LGBTQ+ community could feasibly have been through exactly the same thing and then much, much more on top of that. A plate stacked until it was almost unmanageable. For me it became embarrassing to mention my child’s portion of trauma and sadness.

Combining that thought with the normalized stigmatization of male musicians’ emotional expression in the media, I felt like I must be the ‘Sadboy Prince and the Pea’.

But my girlfriend verbally slapped some sense into me, saying it does not help anybody, least of all oneself, to compare pain. And that was good advice to hear from someone who’d been through what she has. I can only imagine how frustrating it was for this Pakistani woman to watch me – with all my advantages in life – self-sabotage and complain like I have. Fuck.

And then you look at the statistics: according to the Yale Global Health Review, ‘in 2015, the crude suicide rate [in the USA] for white non-Hispanic males aged 40 to 65 was 36.84 per 100,000 people – more than twice the rate in the general American population’. If it wasn’t already clear that we have more than enough representation, we’re huge in suicide too.

Given this, I think it’s worth examining why many privileged white men can end up feeling they have no legitimate claim to pain, and then never deal with what they can’t lay claim to.

Even while writing this I’m visited by the thought ‘Who even cares? There are much bigger problems in the world than white men who feel sad.’ (This is a bloody laughable thing to write your first piece on – get some perspective, arsehole, and put away your tiny violin.) But you know what? I’ll continue because I think we need to advance the conversation around mental health for everyone, and it’s the only experience I feel qualified to talk about.

From systemic toxic masculinity (‘Boys don’t cry’, basically) and an ostensibly homophobic fear of sensitivity being beer-bonged into us by our friends, family and the media from as early as we can remember (‘Chug, chug, chug!’) to the slow realization as we get older that the world is actually stacked towards our success, we end up thinking that our individual psychological decline is shameful.

I believe it is psychologically dangerous for our egos to be built up as much as they are; for the importance of success to be so great; for the world to open its doors more to us than to others (most of us willfully ignore that those advantages exist, though we feel them deep down, and subconsciously know that it is unfair and that we must capitalize on them).

It is dangerous for us to be made to feel we can do anything and be anything, to gain an understanding of women as a resource rather than a lesson in empathy and love – and then find in all our capitalistic and egoistic fervour that we have neglected to take care of that other muscle that enables our survival: the mind.

I for one felt like Donald Trump, starting with $413 million and ending up broke and lying about my tax records. Maybe then it’s no surprise that so many disaffected white men identify so deeply with him. (It should be noted that I absolutely don’t.) That and our shared love of doing anything we want and saying whatever we like without consequence to ourselves.

That shared love has rightly led to a debate about what white males are entitled to say and do. I believe we’re entitled to no more than anybody else, which at this point requires a lot of listening and rebalancing. I also believe everybody is entitled to pain, no matter how perceptibly or relatively small that pain is. I don’t want the shame around depression and anxiety in privileged people to become worse any more than I want it for the marginalized. Because without addressing that pain we end up with more cis-gendered white male egomaniacs who bleed their shit on to everybody (and some of them will write albums about it).

James Blake's essay is from It's Not Ok To Feel Blue (And Other Lies), a collection of writing about mental health, curated by Scarlett Curtis.

[ilygsd]

201018

ffs im doing it againnnnn. i google and read shit that scares me but then i wont do anything abt it except for overthink and get anxious and fuck shit up and be an annoyance and then hate myself for doing this again but still go back and hope for him to forgive my emotional ass

im just so scared of fucking shit up again. i know i cant change the world, i need to change my attitude and know that i can get through shit even if people leave me. I CAN!! i am strong enough!!! i HAVE improved!!! i CAN! i have people who loved me and truly cares for me!!!!!! things are goong well with other people. people i dont really care about but they’re still evidente that i AM FUNCTIONING AND NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY

but those people were and are nt’s. even if im a paranoid emotional bitch who cant really feel it, i at least got some rationality that tells me that not everyone is after me.

its different with him.

i dont know if i actually care about him or if its my issues and insecrities or his manipulative charm that draws me to him but the feeling i get is so intense. and it scARES ME!!!! he could totally just take advantage over me?? i dont want to be paranoid, i want to BELIEVE HIM but my anxiety and all these other quotes and posts i read tells me i should get the hell away from people like him. and like....... i dont know if its just me overthinking or if its actually dangerous? im weak, i dont trust myself with him. im weak for him.

the fact that im more anxious because of him should be a sign right?? but on the other hand he makes me feel more alive. life is interesting with him but im also scared thats ”a part of it”. everyone says its a nice experience in the beginning. that they’re oh so charming to inpress you but then they’re going go change and its going to be to late.

and what does THAT MEAN? too late?? i dont think he would murder me or become physically violent, but his apathy will definitely hurt me either way. it STILL hurts me NOW and he’s not even doing anything ”mean”. like.... that’s who he is. he doesnt even have to manipulate me, the fact that he cant feel or give emotional love is hard enough for me to accept lmao.

and i mean he told me about his disorder? isnt that something? he seems pretty carefree. he answers most of my questions but he doesnt talk much about himself at all. he just seems bored. he told me he used to think people were annoying and slow (high IQ + narcissistic traits) but that he realised its not the world, but he who is different. and now the only thing he lives for is like his goals.

at first i thought he wanted to hurt and use me. instincitvely. he used to compare me to a deer, careful and beautoful (wow, such a charmer, so poetic) and in that case he’s a predrator. a social oredrator. he can take any shape he wants. its not me or his ”love” for me holding him in place, it’s only him. only him. him and the moral compass he set for himself. i dont think he wants to hurt me for fun, but he definitely would without doubt if i ever got in his way. perhaps not MORE than necessary, but as much as needed for him to get what he wants. but he’s patient. definitely. and i sont know why im worth waiting for. i dont know what i have to offer him.

we had sex yesterday. it was nice. but he’s one horny fuck and im emotional. he doesnt seem to care about the emotional stuff because the physical part is the only thing he can feel anywyas. all the love-shit yesterday (and any other day) is for me.... or for him... idk. i dont think its necessary for him but he does it because i want it and i guess that could be seen as nice?? at least he thinks so. he gets annoyed and anused when i question his sincerity. (says he might as well cheat and shit but like... yeah and u might as well be a mudder too whats your point??) but on the other hand he probably wants something more in te end. like my trust or something? it cant be sex. it wasnt THAT good and i he doesnt really care about the person he has sex with. he doesnt think of people, barely watch actual people but more lile hentai and the idea of sex. it could be control and power though. i know he wants me to test new things. one time i felt like he forced and treatebed me to drink coffee despite me not wanting to and i did. and i felt SHIT afterwards and i got SO paranoid and isolated myself for a week and he was a bitch about it and basically told me i overreacted and yeah maybe i was because i got SCARED of him and what he can do but i also could’ve handled it better and not let it scare me an understand i have a choice etc. but anyways, he’s stopped with that shit at least the threatening part like ”if you dont taste this coffe i made you im taking away the blanket”. and now he just liggtly pressures me. which i have to admit is okay? it made me try tea and i liked the tea. he also wants me to pierce myself and i actually would like that. he made me send him lewds (kind of) but i stopped because idk, i didnt like i. and idk i am happy i tried. im insecure and he makes me more adventurous. i just dont hope he will pressure me more or it would get worse. he’s like ”i would never force anyone to do anything” like yeah thanks thats.... nice to know.... he’s so weird. he makes offensive jokes that i bormlly would get extremely teiggered by but...... its different with him. i DO get annoyed but i also know there’s literally zero behind his jokes. i asked him if he likes the rection but he says he likes the power over the situation he has. he likes to tease me but he always makes sure i know its only joking and im not being serious. it seems like he likes the fact that he COULD leave me thinking he was serious but he choses to not. idk though, cus the fact that he always tells me when he does something ”not manipulative” is a bit..... suspicious lmao. he’s asked me to smoke weed though and im like super pure but honestly why not. he also made me drink and masturbate next to him. wow, he’s made me do a lot of stuff..... but idk, i lile the praise afterwards LMAO

so im just here trying go figure out what the fuck it is?? he doesnt talk much about himself or the people in his life. i asked about his friends and family but the only one he talks about is his ex girlfriend and best friend. at first i was so skeptical i was like ”omg why would she be with him, is she also a victim of his manipulation, or maybe she’s the same?” but idk. she seems ”normal”. he admitted she had similar issues to emotionally connect with people like him but that she’s not aspd. i also happen to know she’s a chinese adoptee as well and to compare with my own attatchment issues it wouldnt surprise me if she got the opposite of me.

anyways, at first glance you would think he loves her dearly. but when thinking about it he doesnt really express any love. just appreciation and thats what he said himself. for practical reasons. they help each other, he with her medical shit and she with his finances or something. and i want to believe in that. that he’s just looking for good deals with people. i get something out of him and he gets something from me. not anything emotional, but not necessarily him using people either. and he can be emotional, he is trying to be emotional for me. COGNITIVE EMPATHY THOUGH!!!

i dont know. i hope it is like this. i dont want to believe all the shit stories about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. yes i am low key scared to death that he one day will snap, change comPLETELY cus that’s basically who he is. i just hope.......... he won’t lmao. and i hope he wont just use me when he’s got what he’s wanted. and i reALLY hope i wont settle for his fake love. i deserve some REAL ACTUAL LOVE. i dont mind living in a fairytale with him someimes but i DO NOT want to lose myself to him. i deserve love, i deserve someone who loves me like i love them. no matter how much or how good he imitates love he wont ever be able to. PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THAT.

ive KIND OF come to accept who he is and that was hard enough for me, but i did it because he makes me do things and he makes me feel like i want it. also im scared that im too obsessed. like i really dont find anything interesting except for him. thats NOT a good sign. i feel like i both gain and lose myself with him. being with him is like living in a bubble. but when i meet other people everything’s as normal. i just dont want to isolate myself.

i dont think he would turn my friends or family against me

he says he teases the people he feel comfortable with. i cant get that. he’s changed. i sometimes feel like im a little sister. he took me very seriously at first and was very respectful and kind. now when he’s mee comfortable he’s more of a dick abd more straight forward when he thinks im overthinking or negative or annoying. and i am. i am annoying with him. its so weird but the moment i see him my EMO JUMPS OUT. i can be fun with other people and talk about other things and watch stuff but when im with him i just want to talk about sad stuff and feelings abd myself lmaooo. and yeah he finds it annoying and i get that. but i guess its cus we’re both a bit comfortable?

however he doesnt tease his ex/bff he says. its so weird, he says she was in charge in their relationship and i just cant imagine that cus hes so dominant. he said he started to respect his body etc AFTER their relationship so idk but i still cant imagine it cus he’s still doesnt feel empathy so there was no reason for him to obey her?? im curious about their relationship. i wonder what it was like......

what scares me is that i always feel inferior to him. thats ny good in a relationship. at the same time its the way i imagine relationships. he protecs me and i’ll obey him. its not that im always inferior, i tell him to piss off and fuck you when im annoyed. bit thats only joke. when tt gets serious he is always right. kind of. he’s like a dad as well. idk

all these posts are about sociopaths literalky tappning on thet victims and being CRUEL. but he’s not cruel, he’s just aprhtic, ubemotional. of course he CAN BE CRUEL, everyone can, but he chose not to. at least not yet. UGH. i feel so good with him. it felt better after a week with bo contact but i still wanted him because i was afraid i would lose him if i wanted more. which makes no sense because if i dont want him then i wouldnt want him. but wat if satt with him. i read blir people being married to sociopaths for 20+ years and i dont eant to be robbed 20 years!!!

he values actions more than words. in many ways he’s more high-functioning than me, and im a normal neurotypical while he’s an antisocial. thats why i was drawn to him anywyas. i wanted his help to handle my feelings and stuff. but idk. when he apologizes he doesnt mean it, but he still stops. when i apologize i mean it, but i dont stop. he could help me stop and he wants me to stop. bit thats also the only thing he values and it males me feel unappreciated sometimes when i actually TRY MY HARDEST

all these posts also fuck me up because idk if they’ve just encountered a mean sociopath, a mean normal neurotypical or if its just a sociopath. like i feel like people only focus in the bad stuff and call anyone ubemotional and cold abd mean a sociopath. thats not what i want to hear. i want to learn about them objectively??? they cant feel i get that. its mostly just girls writing about their fuckboy ens. like he thought i thought of him as a fuckboy but i dont. hes not a fuckboy, i hate fuckboys even more than i hate him. fuckboys are like..... just MEAN. for no reason. lmao idk. i mean he’s mean because he cant FEEL, he has no conscience. fuckboys are mean and so feel guilt but they pretend they dont and thats just pathetic. this persson id mature. fuckboys arent. hes sometimes immature too i guess UGH and narcisstisk UGH but lile..... idk. i just wouldnt go for him if he was a fuckboy. i dont get attracted to fuckboys OR bad blys

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im in this like .. cycle i guess. 

i want to reach out for support because i feel a lack of support but to express a lack of support offends people around me (despite their lack of support) and i lose even the smallest amount of support i had 

i’m really sad lingering on feeling depressed. and im trying hard to reprogram my brain to see it as feeling depressed and not being depressed because its like acting out the emotion of depressed as your character and i just want to feel it because im not in a movie. 

i had an issue with my roommates dog while being in immense pain from a stupid cyst and literally no one would help. as i laid on the floor in pain i knew no one would actually help. it wasnt until 11pm that he returned a phone call i made at noon and when i said i was in pain he offered to bring me to his house and take me to the doctors tomorrow. 

but his whole attitude had changed like i was really burdening his life now and i guess he was calling to tell me he was leaving like the next day or somethng and now ive interrupted it. of course he didnt “say” this but it felt heavily implied and i never really felt comfortable being around him. he didnt want to show any affection and seemed to avoid it, slept through the day and had us go to bed at 10pm 

he had mentioned briefly that he would take me to the doctors again today but pack up and leave in the evening. this morning it was the same awkward uncomfortableness and he had like little desire to talk to me. i thought like if that was our last night and this is our last morning i guess it really says alot. like i guess if im ever severely injured he will begrudgingly help me in some way but he’ll have a really shit attitude about it and i can be nothing more than grateful i guess?

i told him i would take myself to the doctors. he said okay. i said i was leaving in 10 minutes and he said okay. i sat feeling really sick and i understand, a bit, that alot of this sickness comes from feeling really alone in other areas of my life. so theres like this giant hole and immediate panic when the person who was atleast occupyng space in the hole leaves. but if i had other people i wouldnt feel such panic - i’m thinkng like wow i’m fucked if i’m actually hurt. or if i get sick. like i cant expect any help from anyone even though they all receive some kind of help from other people. i cant even make a call to anyone and express anything at all without them having to go or do something else in their life that im not apart of. and its not just bad timing -  i could wait and wait and im just waiting for someone to make the time for me and i have to be grateful that anyone would set aside even one hour of their day for me and ive not been around other people who understand the complexities of this. like, of course im grateful. im extremely grateful. thats like all i think about for that hour that thank fucking god there was a single human being willing to give me this time so i could even help myself in some way. 

and its not like i dont give this. ive given soooooooooo much of this an got nothing in return. except that i have to feel super grateful for the hour i get in return for my huge investment into their lives. and its like at nooooo point can i ask my mom for 20$. i cant ask my dad what credit card i should get. or if this person is ripping me off. like i get that i can (an will) do all these things myself but i dont even get the priviledge of receiving valid learned advice from a trusted source - i get jack offs and reddit commenters explaining how a mortgage works. or how to buy a car. or the best tips on a driving test. and when im sad and lonely? i get to turn to strangers on the internet or i guess worse, this. even though its likely no one at all will read this. when im really sick? i make chicken soup for myself. i go to the store for myself. i maybe find a ride to the doctors and mabe get lucky the pharmacy is there too so i dont have to ride the bus.when i feel like everything is chaotic? i return to cats. 

but hey - i’m going to be a “stronger, smarter” person right? thats what it all boils down to. lacking soo much will somehow make me stronger and smarter than the next person who already has these things. doesnt that seem so dumb? to me, i just worked 10x as hard to get to the same place that someone else did with half the work. but im “stronger and smarter” for the effort. i think you’re wiser and more resilient. because you become wise through experience and knowledge of the experience - but you can still be dumb as hell. you arent stronger - you just learned to put up with more; that’s resilience. you couldn’t use resilience like you could use strength. it just means you didnt give up. 

and thats not a negative but when you place it in this light i think it conjures a different respect for the lack of priviledges that it takes to reach “wiser and more resilient’. 

right now im really.... alot of things. i feel sad and angry and frustrated and bitter and envious. im trying to respect other peoples journeys but its leaving me really fucking alone. i told him i was leaving and he said bye. that could very well be our last personal encounter and i guess i appreciate that i left it as is. instead of trying to shape it into something it wasnt going to be, i just accepted that this was the choice he was making. of course, its easier to leave when you disconnect from someone/the things around you. 

i personally feel that this is the end of the relationship and my expectation is that he’ll be gone in the next 24 hours. i think i would prefer to leave our last encounter as this. although he “asked” multiple times how i was feeling or why i didnt feel good - i knew that he wasnt even the person to be talking to about it. how could i explain any of this to him? he has really not understood it and its doubtful he ever will. i expect nothing from him now - maybe i did before. maybe i wanted to have something real with him, like how we pretended to have. and i guess he showed his ‘support’ but like - youre leaving anyways. what happens when youre gone? does it matter? 

i cant ask these questions because theyre already answered. nothing happens, life goes on. you got what you got for the time being, be grateful. 

its not just him i feel this way with - i actually feel this way with multiple people ive been around. i cant talk about these things beacause it implies they dont care. and they do care otherwise they wouldnt have given me a ride or a sandwhich or bus change or sat wth me for an hour or smoked me some weed. BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS TO My ACTUAL LIFE. when you give a homeless man a dollar, do you think you just changed his life? like you changed 5 minutes before he had to go ask for another dollar from someone else because not a single person wants to give him actual legitimate help. just smile and nod. 

ths morning his mother literally shut the garage door on me. i have no idea how she did not hear the door open or the garage door open standing 10 ft away but she literally shut the door and i sat in the dark. i said nothing because no one cares. 

and he bitchs and moans about all these things and its like hes just discovering no one cares  and his solution is to also stop caring for anyone but himself. and its like he doesnt even see this because hes ‘going to get better and help so many people’ but hes not. he literally is not. and its infruiating that he cant even signficiantly benefit one persons life and his solution to this is to stop any attempts and focus just on himself before i guess inviting the world in. 

am i not fucking worthy or deserving? i’m not some runaway kid. i’m not a fucking drug addict. i’m not a single mom. if not me, then who deserves to benefit? i guess everyone above. you know, i didnt add to everyone being fucking dead and deserted with severe trauma and ptsd and little coping skills by taking hard drugs and fucking strange men. i didnt have unsafe sex. but i guess i should have so i could have the attention that other people seem to get for these acts. i stayed “strong” and “smart” and i’m alone and struggling. i guess i deserve to be. 

when i say this its not like i want people to immediately become my family and do all this shit with me and include me an talk to me all waking moments. i want this person who has been in my life but has remained in a neutral position by their own decision to remain neutral as i express the lonliness that i feel being in this position instead of take it personal or trying to make me be optimistic about it. i am sitting with a person and still expressing this - optimism is not what i need. nor do i need to argue that this person hasnt fulfilled the needs i have when they consider themselves a ‘friend”. to be a friend now is to remain in the position youve already taken and allow me the space to now be myself - this sucks. its hard. when i speak, no one is really listening. when i need someone, i have to wait until “a good time” which could be days. and its not just one person. if this one person was doing this - fine. it’s sad but bareable. it’s so many encounters that i feel like im in highschool floating through the halls unnoticed. i have no significance or importance to anything. and its not like oh god i have to be loved and have attention but like theres litereally none. there is zero. nothing. 

thats when “anything” looks better than nothing and you get stuck in even shittier situations.

[keanureevesisbae]

Mister Cavill, your dog is kinda fat - Chapter 5

Summary: Veterinarian Olivia Tran has zero time for bullshit. After becoming a mom at age twenty three, the one thing she wants is a good life for her daughter Vanessa. Her ex didn’t want anything to do with her nor the baby and she decided that man are officially banned out of her life. But then she meets Henry Cavill at her clinic and her ban slowly starts to crumble apart. Henry on the other hand is looking for one thing: a family. And when he meets Olivia Tran, he finds just that.

Henry Cavill x Olivia Tran (ofc)

Warnings: Mentions of an ear infection and vomit (doesn’t know if that needs a warning though)

Wordcount: 4k

Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

Henry made reservations at a place where I’ve never been to. It’s fancy, yet cosy and probably insanely expensive. He told me not to worry about it for a single second, but that’s easier said than done. Every sip I take of my wine and every bite I take of the pasta, I can almost hear coins clattering somewhere in the background.

‘I never knew you had tattoos,’ Henry says eventually.

I stare down at my arm, after I rolled up my sleeve, since it’s pretty hot in here. ‘Yeah, I usually cover them up. My boss doesn’t think it’s professional.’ I hold out my arm, to show him the inside of my arm. ‘Vanessa likes to color them,’ I say, point to some where you can see a faint hint of colors, in the outline of a few flowers.

Henry gently holds my wrist. He hand nearly engulfs my wrist, only adding fuel to the  fact that Henry is a lot bigger than me fact. ‘I like this one,’ he says, his thumb caressing the tattoo of Vanessa’s name and date of birth. ‘I always thought that if I ever had kids, I’d tattoo their names somewhere.’

Of course he would do that. That seems like the biggest dad move and it would fit him perfectly. He doesn’t have tattoos, but knowing that the name of his kid would be the first, is something that makes my heart flutter.

‘Do these tattoos have any sort of meaning?’ he asks, after he let go of my wrist.

I shrug. ‘Not really. My ex was really into having tons of tattoos and I kind of went with it. I also did it to piss off my mom.’

‘Did you succeed?’

‘Of course I did,’ I laugh. ‘She hated them with a passion, but since I was already in college, she couldn’t really say anything about it. Besides, it wasn’t like I started smoking weed again, so she was kind of grateful in the end.’

‘You used to smoke?’ he asks, his eyes nearly rolling out of their sockets in disbelieve.

I chuckle. ‘I did, when I was around sixteen. I did it for like a year.’

‘Damn, doctor Olivia Tran is a total bad ass,’ Henry laughs, his eyes smiling as well.

‘You never smoked weed?’ I ask in disbelieve. ‘Mister Cavill, I’m deeply disappointed in you.’

‘I’m very sorry.’ Henry takes a sip of his wine. ‘Why did you want to become a vet?’

‘I was always obsessed with animals,’ I confess. ‘At home we never had pets. My mom thought dogs were disgusting, because they lick themselves and my dad is allergic to cats. My brother Jesse once had a fish, but he died within twenty four hours after he bought him, so he was traumatized and my other brother Levi hated animals in general, so yeah… No pets in the Tran household. My friends all had animals and I would love them when I visited. I even became a dog walker for awhile and professional animal sitter when our neighbors went on a holiday.’

‘Impressive,’ he notes. ‘How old are your brothers?’

‘Right now they are thirty seven and thirty four,’ I try to remember.

‘You have any idea how they are right now?’

I shake my head, all of the sudden feeling a bit of an emptiness in my heart. Growing up my brothers and I were so close. I was their little sister, their princess. It’s still beyond me that something like that could change within a heartbeat. ‘No idea,’ I admit. ‘My brothers aren’t the biggest fans of social media and I’m not going to cave and talk to them first. Not after what they did.’

Henry sits up a bit more straight and leans a bit forward, placing his hand on mine. His thumb caresses my fingers. Normally I’m not too keen on people touching me, but this feels so familiar, so safe. ‘I understand,’ he says. ‘I can’t believe your family ditched you just like that.’

‘Would your family have done that?’ I quietly ask.

He shakes his head. ‘Absolutely not,’ he says. ‘They would’ve loved the kid.’

‘Must be nice to have a family like that.’

He shrugs, probably not wanting to hurt my feelings.

‘Sometimes I wished I could’ve give Vanessa that type of family,’ I admit, without even thinking about it. I turn my hand around, so our palms touch each other. It feels even more intimate. ‘She wonders why she doesn’t have a dad or grandparents or uncles.’

‘What do you say to her?’ he wonders.

‘That her father doesn’t want her and that my side of the family didn’t like it, when I got pregnant with her.’

‘That must be pretty hard for her, right?’

I nod. ‘Belle told me that she didn’t think it was right for me to say it as bluntly as I did, but I don’t want to lie to her. Besides, what do I have to tell Vanessa? I don’t know who your dad is? I don’t have a family?’

‘Right,’ Henry says, frowning a bit in the process.

I don’t want to talk about this anymore, because my family is one of the biggest disappointments in my life. ‘Vanessa was really happy when I told her you asked me out,’ I say, seeing his face light up when I mentioned it. ‘I picked her up from school today and when I told her, she insisted on helping me pick out an outfit.’

‘She picked this out?’ he asks.

‘Only the shoes.’

‘I should thank her, then.’

I stick out my tongue, before I burst out in laughter.

‘Have you dated since you had Vanessa?’ he asks.

‘I haven’t,’ I confess. ‘I actually swore to myself that I’d ban men all together out of my life, unless Keanu Reeves came knocking at my door.’

Henry brings a hand to his lips, to suppress some laughter, but he fails miserably. ‘And yet you agreed on going on a date with me.’

‘Guess I have a thing for handsome men with chubby dogs.’

He lets out a chuckle. ‘Good thing I have a thing for veterinarians who drag me across the examination room after I passed out.’

I snicker. ‘I do have to ask you something,’ I say, before taking a sip of his wine. It would be a lot more practical if I could use the other hand as well, but I want to touch his hand so badly, that this is a discomfort I’ll endure. ‘Why me?’

His frown shows me that he doesn’t understand.

‘Why did you ask me out?’

Henry smiles. ‘I would be an idiot if I let you slip through my fingers, wouldn’t I?’

‘How romantic,’ I chuckle.

‘It’s true,’ he simply states. ‘I admire you in such a way… You are an amazing vet, an extraordinary mother and just a wonderful woman in general. I have never met someone quite like you, Olivia. You are truly one of a kind.’

When was the last time someone said something like that to me? I dated Wesley for five years, but not once was anything he said to me, this kind of romantic. He always mentioned my looks, how my body looked, but never about my qualities.

I clear my throat. ‘So, the whole I have a kid thing doesn’t bother you?’

‘Why would that bother me?’

Does he need to be this perfect? I cock an eyebrow, before I say: ‘Because guys are usually scared off when there is a child in the mix.’

Henry shrugs, also taking a sip of his wine. ‘Guess I’m not like other guys then. It really doesn’t matter to me,’ he says. ‘I like you, with or without a kid. Besides, Vanessa is a wonderful girl. You are doing such an excellent job with her,’ he continues. ‘You are raising her so well. She is polite, smart and is such a unique girl in general. I don’t think I’ve ever met a kid that age like her.’

‘Shut up, Henry,’ I say, dapping the corners of my eye dry, hoping to prevent myself from bursting out in tears.

‘I mean it, though,’ he whispers.

During dinner, he finds out a lot about me. He was impressed when I told him I used to be pretty active in gymnastics, but had to quit due to a nasty knee injury when I was thirteen. About the fact that I was forced to play piano as a kid, but somehow ended up playing a bit of guitar and how I still want to pick that up again, but barely have time.

I find out that he is really close to his brothers and his parents, something that is lovely for him, but makes me a bit jealous. I wish I had that. But also, that he has difficulties picking up acting again.

‘Why?’ I ask.

‘That last movie I did, was the biggest flop in Hollywood.’

I bet he is exaggerating, but I keep my mouth shut.

‘And I just kind of lost some drive to pick up the whole acting again and…’

It’s impossible for me to keep my mouth shut now. ‘And you want to start a family of your own, right?’

His eyes widen. ‘How do you know about that?’

‘You’re famous, Henry and I’m curious. Go figure.’

He blushes, as if he got caught. ‘Well, it is something that crosses my mind, yeah.’

I smile. ‘That’s only normal,’ I say to him.

‘Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I want to start one right now, it’s just that—’

‘You need to find someone compatible,’ I interrupt him, taking notice of his discomfort. ‘I understand. You want someone that is not in it for the money, for the fame or for the sex, you want someone serious.’

‘Right,’ he says, clearly relieved that I understand.

‘Good thing I want something serious too,’ I admit. ‘I’m really not in the mood, ever, for bullshit, Henry. I passed that station a long time ago. The fact that you are willing for something serious, it’s a big relief for me.’

He opens his mouth to say something, but he is interrupted by someones phone. My phone to be exact. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, pulling my hand back, to grab my phone. ‘It’s Belle.’

‘Please take it,’ he says.

‘Hi Belle,’ I say when I pick up.

‘I’m so sorry, Olivia,’ I hear my best friend say from the other end of the line. ‘But Vanessa is not feeling well.’

I can even hear her crying in the background. ‘Is she okay?’ I ask.

‘I don’t know what’s with her,’ Belle confesses. ‘She has been crying for the last fifteen minutes and nothing works. I checked her forehead, but she’s not really hot or anything and I don’t want to bother you, because this is the first time in forever that you’re on a date, but I don’t know what to do anymore.’

‘Don’t feel sorry, Belle, you did your best. I’m coming home and you tell Vanessa that…’

I can barely finish my sentence, when I hear a sobbing Vanessa on the phone. ‘Mommy, I’m in pain and I want you home.’

This isn’t the moment for me to start panicking. ‘Angel, don’t you worry. I’m coming home, sweetheart and I’ll try to see what I can do for the pain. You go hug Kal and auntie Belle and I’ll be on my way.’

‘Is Superman coming with you?’ she asks in between sobs.

I smile. ‘Yes, sweetheart, I’m bringing Superman with me. I love you so much and I’ll be home before you know it.’

‘I love you too, mommy.’

I bet she hands Belle the phone and she says: ‘To make things even worse, I’m on call and someone just called for a sick beagle.’

‘We’ll be there shortly, okay?’

‘I’m so sorry, Olivia,’ Belle continues to apologize, but I simply dismiss it and eventually hang up the phone.

‘Is everything okay?’ Henry asks.

‘Vanessa isn’t feeling too well and Belle has to go to the clinic and I need to go home to them. I’m so sorry, Henry.’

He simply shakes his head. ‘We both knew that this was a possibility,’ he says, ‘and besides: Vanessa is and should be your number one priority. No need to feel sorry, I totally understand. I’ll go pay and we’ll go back to your place.’

≫≫≪≪

Vanessa hasn’t stopped crying ever since we came back. Belle had to rush to the clinic for the beagle, after she apologized for over five minutes. Vanessa buried her face in the crook of my neck and I can feel her burning up with a fever.

After prying for about ten minutes, I finally figured out what’s up with my little girl: she has a nasty ear infection, but that is nothing we can’t handle. My mother used to chop up some onions, to place it on the infected ear. I never really understood why that worked, but somehow the pain subdued in a matter of two days and while I was still groggy afterwards, the pain in my ear always went away shortly.

I walk back to the kitchen when the cries have turned a bit softer, to see Henry chopping up onions into tiny pieces.

‘How is she?’ Henry asks, blinking his eyes fast, because of the onions.

‘Really feverish.’ I sit on a stool and give Vanessa a kiss on her head.

‘I’m almost done,’ Henry says. ‘Though I have no idea what to do with the onions.’

‘If you hold her when you’re finished, I’ll take care of it.’

He washes his hands and I stand up, before I whisper in Vanessa’s ear: ‘Henry is going to hold you for a minute, okay?’

Vanessa nods and places her head on his broad shoulder when he holds her. I know that this isn’t the moment, but this really warms my heart, seeing Henry like a true dad. When he drove back to my place, he nearly broke all the speed limits, because he desperately wanted to be with Vanessa, not wanting her to be without her mother any longer.

‘Can you make me feel better?’ Vanessa asks in a tiny voice, when I prepare the gauze so I can fill it with the chopped onions. ‘You are Superman.’

‘What can I do to make you feel better?’ Henry asks.

‘Sing something for me,’ she mumbles.

He doesn’t say anything at all, making me think he stiffened up and is finding a way out of this, but then he asks: ‘What do you want me to sing for you, sunshine?’

‘You’re Welcome,’ she whispers. ‘That song Maui sings in Moana.’

I want to ask if he knows that song, but all of the sudden I hear his soft and deep voice, singing the lyrics.

‘What can I say except “you’re welcome”? For the tides, the sun, the sky.’

The gauze is ready and I turn around, a smile evident on my face, since I can’t help but melt at this sight. He is singing for her. I never pecked Henry for a guy that would sing, but my daughter has him wrapped around her finger.

He sits on a chair, so I can reach Vanessa’s ear a bit better. ‘Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re welcome. I’m just an ordinary demi-guy.’

I place the gauze with onions on her ear, wrap some bandages around her head and all that while Henry is singing. By the time I’m done, Vanessa has fallen asleep. The loud crying must’ve exhausted her. ‘We should place her on the couch for now,’ I whisper. ‘If I’m not with her in bed, she’ll notice right away.’

Henry stands up and carefully places Vanessa on the couch once he’s in the living room. He places a hand on her forehead and says: ‘Maybe we should open a window.’

I open the window till it’s ajar and I watch as Kal places his head against her thigh, a sweet reminder that he is there for her.

Henry and I take place at the table, so I can look at Vanessa and Kal. Henry sits right next to me and for some reason, it makes me feel really safe and comforted. ‘I’m sorry, Henry,’ I finally say. ‘This is probably not at all what you had in mind when you were asking me out.’

He simply shrugs. ‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘I’m just sad that Vanessa isn’t feeling well.’

‘She told me she felt a bit snotty and sick earlier today, but I didn’t expect a full blown ear infection.’

Henry simply nods, before placing his large hand on my leg. Do not faint, Olivia Tran, I swear do not faint! ‘You have to go to work tomorrow?’

‘I do,’ I admit. ‘And I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I can’t call in sick, again, because my boss will kill me if I do so, but I’m not taking a sick kid with me to work and—’

‘I can look after her,’ he says.

Excuse me, what? ‘Excuse me, what?’ I say out loud.

‘I can look after her,’ he repeats. ‘I have nothing to do, so you can go to sleep and then tomorrow, you’ll go to work.’

I blink away some tears in my eyes, that start to collect there at an admirably fast speed. ‘Henry, I can’t ask that from you.’

‘Good thing I’m offering,’ he says with a soft smile. ‘Really, I don’t want you to get in trouble and besides, I don’t want to leave Vanessa when she’s feeling like this.’

≫≫≪≪

I don’t know what I did in life to deserve a man like Henry Cavill. After we talked for a bit (and him promising that he really hasn’t anything to do tomorrow), I went to bed with Vanessa and Henry placed a mattress in the room, falling asleep there with Kal.

But during the night, every time I was awake, he was too, forcing himself to stay awake. He even opened a window, so Vanessa could continue to cool off. He placed a thin blanket over her, creating the illusion that she was covered, while he covered me with a thicker blanket, so I wouldn’t grow cold.

I made him promise to call me if anything happened, but nothing happened. He send me three pictures: one of Kal guarding a sleeping Vanessa who lays sprawled out on the couch, one of Vanessa with freshly cut onions on her ear and one of her and Henry and I need to fight the urge to change that my wallpaper into that picture.

Vanessa is seated on his lap, her thumb in her mouth (something she only does when she’s sick) and her head placed against his chest. Though Henry looks tired from not sleeping at all, he is still smiling and I can’t help but envision a future with those two.

During the day, all sorts of scenario’s jump through my mind. Me coming home from work, to find Vanessa and him waiting for me. Henry and I in our bed and due to a thunderstorm, Vanessa barges into to the room, so she can lay with us. Henry picking her up from school. Henry going with me to the parent teacher meetings, so I don’t have to face miss Sue or some other bitch by myself.

Henry being the father figure that Vanessa so desperately needs.

After a day where it seemed like every second passed by at least three times, I’m on my way back home. I open the front door and I hear soft giggles from the living room. I close the door behind me, slip out of my shoes, all while I hear Henry say: ‘You’re doing a great job, sunshine.’

‘You’re very pretty, superman.’

I walk into the living room, to see Vanessa sitting on his lap, using her children’s make-up kit, coloring in Henry’s face. He looks ridiculous, with his bright blue forehead and green cheeks.

‘Mommy, you’re back!’ Vanessa says. She dismisses her make-up kit and walks up to me. I meet her halfway and pepper her cheek with kisses. ‘I missed you.’

‘I missed you too, how are you feeling?’ I place my hand on her forehead and feel she isn’t as hot as she was when I left, but seeing her teary eyes, I know she is still sick, but feeling a lot better from the looks of it.

‘Tired,’ she admits. ‘And body ache.’

‘Understandably so. Have you been sweet to Henry and Kal?’

She nods. ‘I puked. though,’ she admits.

‘Oh no, sweetie, where?’

‘Over Kal.’

Then I notice indeed that Kal is a bit wet, while he is placed on a few towels. ‘Oh.’

‘Yeah,’ Henry says, ‘I used your bath tub for a little clean up session.’

‘That’s totally fine,’ I say with a smile. ‘What is that smell?’

‘I made some pasta,’ he answers, while it’s really hard to take him seriously with those weird colors on his face.

‘How about you wash your face and I’m going to see what this sweetheart wants for dinner?’

‘I want a fruit smoothie,’ Vanessa says and that is really typical for her when she’s sick to order fruit smoothies. ‘And maybe a bite of your pasta.’

Henry cleans up his face and by the time I have finished the fruit smoothie with oranges and bananas, Vanessa has already fallen asleep on the couch again. Not wanting to wake her up, I decide to put the smoothie away, for when she wakes up again. I sit across from Henry at the table. ‘How was it today?’

‘It went okay,’ he says, ‘minus the puking accident of course, but other than that, it went good. We watched some movies mostly.’

I don’t know why this happens, but I feel some tears burning up in my eyes.

‘Why are you crying, Olivia?’ Henry asks, while changing seats, so he can sit next to me. He places his hand on the back of the chair.

‘It’s just that I don’t know what I would’ve done, if you didn’t offer to watch her today,’ I admit.

He smiles. ‘Come here,’ he whispers, pulling me against his broad chest and when I feel his massive arms engulfing me in a hug, tension in my body that has been building up there for God knows how long, slowly seems to fade away. I wrap my arms around his waist and he places his chin on top of my head.

Was a hug something I needed for all those years? Is that it?

For all these years, I have been pulling myself together, even when my worries nearly ate me up alive. But to share it with someone, who is already being such a great influence in not only Vanessa’s life, but also in mine, is something I never knew I needed.

‘Thank you, Henry,’ I whisper when I carefully pull back.

His large hands are placed on my shoulders and he smiles at me. ‘My pleasure, Olivia.’

I bite my lip and admit: ‘I think I’m falling for you.’

He nods. ‘Good thing I’m falling for you too.’

Just do it. He probably won’t mind. I know for a fact that he won’t mind. Look at what he said to me. He is falling for me too. I lean in and give him a short peck on his cheek, the five ‘o clock shadow already scratching against my lips. I don’t pull back immediately. My breath against his skin. I have to swallow hard to maintain some composure, but I’m ready to turn into a large puddle.

Henry turns his face, to give me a kiss on my lips. When was the last time I kissed a man? Right, it was when Wesley came home from his work. He gave me a short kiss on my lips, ten minutes before I told him about the pregnancy.

His lips brush against mine, even after the kiss. ‘Olivia,’ he says, his voice deep and nearly giving me the need to change my underwear, ‘this is the greatest way to end our prolonged date.’

I can’t help but chuckle. ‘It is,’ I whisper. And I don’t want it to end.

Ever.

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[lovemesomesurveys]

What made your weekend fun? My plans fell through both days, so that sucked.

Have you kissed someone more than 20 times in 2010? I did not. I didn’t kiss anyone in 2010.

What are you listening to right now? I just finished watching/listening to a YouTube video. Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? I don’t know if they actually watched and were all intrigued by it, but people probably saw. When was the last time you did the dishes? I rinsed my coffee mug out this morning. That’s the extent of me doing dishes--cleaning my own after I use them.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking weed? I’ve gone four years so far since the last time. Sometimes I’ll want to, but for the most part I don’t think about that. I wouldn’t say that I’d never do it again, though.

Boys are always good with their words, am I right? The boys I have had things with are. Or maybe I’m just a sucker. That’s probably it.

Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No.

Have you ever changed in front of the last person you kissed? No.

What’s on your wrist right now? Nothing.

Where is the last person you kissed? *shrug*

Were you single on your last birthday? Yes.

Have you ever been suspended from school? Nope.

Has anyone ever told you they’d marry you? No.

Who are you going to be with Saturday night? I’m sure I’ll be home with my family.

What were you doing at 12am this morning? I think I was doing surveys.

Did anything exciting happen in your day today? Nopeeee.

Who was the last guy you texted? My brother.

Have you had sex today? No.

Do you remember the last girl you texted? My mom.

What’s bothering you? I really don’t feel well. blah.

Are you one of those people who constantly checks the time? Yeah. I have medication I have to take, shows I like to watch (though I have an app to remind me of that, ha), and just for some reason checking the time often as if I have somewhere to be or something.

When you’re angry, do you take it out on everyone else? When I’m moody, irritable, upset I can be unpleasant to be around. I like to just be left alone.

Where did you sleep last night? In my bed.

Have you ever worn the opp. sex cloths? Yes.

Could you go the rest of your life without alcohol? I’ve gone four years without that as well, and that one I definitely don’t miss.

Do you think you’ve changed over the past year? Not in a good way.

What did you do last night? Had dinner and watched the series finales of one of my shows.

What grade is the last person you texted in? He’s a senior.

Was the first person you talked to today male or female? Female.

Who were the last people you rode in a car with? My brother.

Someone phones you at 3:00 AM. Who do you expect it to be? I have no idea. I have my phone set to go on nighttime mode from a certain span of time every night, so I wouldn’t even hear it.

Has anyone ever crawled through your window? Uh, no. I know you’re referring to myself or someone I know, but I instantly thought of some creeper and it creeped me out. That’s my mind, ya’ll.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own house? A hotel.

Where was your default picture taken? My room.

Don’t you hate waiting for someone to show up somewhere? Yes. I’m impatient and I get anxious.

Will you regret your next kiss? I would hope not.

Do you like to sleep? I love to sleep.

Does it take a lot to make you happy? Bring me food or coffee and that can bring me moments of happiness.

Have you taken anyone’s pants off recently? Just my own.

Ever been heartbroken? Yes, twice.

Do you like to sit in the sun, and tan when it’s hot out? No.

Who was the ugliest person you saw today? Me.

What’s something you’re looking forward to? My upcoming vacay. I’ve been long overdo for one.

How many tattoos do you have? And how many do you want? Zero. I’ve wanted to get one for years, but I’m a big baby.

What’s something you’re not looking forward to? My doctor appointment in the morning. That’s never a highlight of my day.

What’re you currently listening to? Another YouTube video.

What woke you up this morning? My mom because she was leaving and saying goodbye.

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? No.

When’s the last time someone of the opposite sex told you they miss you? I don’t know.

Who were you around today? My mom for a bit when she got back before she had to go to work, my aunt, my brother, and my dad.

Do you miss anyone in particular? Yes. A few someones.

Where exactly were you at 10:00am this morning? I was asleep.

Have you ever taken someone back after they hurt you? Do you regret it? Yes.

What time did you wake up today? 10:30ish.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? I think so.

What should you be doing right now? I don’t have anything I should be doing at the moment.

[blockheadbrands]

We Need to Destigmatize Parents Who Use Cannabis

Elizabeth Enochs of Leafly Reports:

As a cannabis advocate, I’m reasonably concerned by the social stigma around parents who use the plant. This is partially because some of my loved ones happen to be parents who use cannabis, but it’s also because I don’t think it makes sense to demonize responsible adults for enjoying marijuana. And contrary to popular opinion, successful cannabis consumersaren’t difficult to find.

People who don't consume cannabis have a fundamental misunderstanding about what it does to somebody who consumes it.

Derek Riedle

In fact, according to a study from the cannabis culture website Civilized, adults who consume cannabis aren’t just more likely to be employed than non-consumers, they’re more likely to hold supervisory roles at work. They’re alsomore likely to be homeowners with children, according to the Pew Research Center. Yet cannabis arrests in the United States outnumber those of violent crimes.

I may never decide to have children of my own, but it’s important to shine a light onparenting and cannabis whether I do or not. I spoke with the following people on the topic.

Derek Riedle, founder and publisher of Civilized. As an outspoken cannabis consumer and father of two young boys, Riedle knows what it means to be a good parent who enjoys a bowl or two.

Vanessa,* a stay-at-home mom who uses cannabis for both herself and her young daughter. Her daughter has been living with an undiagnosed neurological disease since infancy.

Enrico Moses, another cannabis-consuming father and the CEO of High Standards, a Los Angeles-based marketing agency bringing sophisticated, informative events to California’s cannabis capital.

Two women who are working to make the cannabis industry as parent-friendly as possible: Kristi Knoblich, COO of Kiva Confections, and Brittnie Green, head of events and outreach at dosist (formerly hmbldt).

Ashley Spivak, a doula, reproductive health advocate, and co-creator of the wellness event Cycles + Sex.

Common Misconceptions on Cannabis and Parenting

(darrya/iStock)

“The most amazing thing to me is that people who don’t consume cannabis have a fundamental misunderstanding about what it does to somebody who consumes it,” Riedle tells me. “Cannabis consumers feel that they enjoy life a little bit more, they’re more active, they’re more social, they’re more creative … non-users just don’t understand that. They don’t think these things happen.”

Riedle’s right. Misconceptions around cannabis and the people who use it are deeply embedded in our society, and that won’t change overnight. As Spivak puts it, “The image of the person who uses these plants, the side effects like laziness and brainlessness … This is still what we associate with cannabis.” In Moses’ opinion, “There has been so much negative propaganda around this plant that it will take years for people to completely unlearn these projections.”

Misconceptions are doubly problematic for parents who use cannabis as medicine for not only themselves, but also for their kids.

Luckily, the internet already abounds with essays and articles in which writers challenge negative stereotypes about cannabis and cannabis users. (Hell, I’ve a written a few of them.) Further, recent polls show that cannabis consumers in the US tend to work out as much or more than non-users, and we typically have more active social lives and obtain higher levels of education as well. Still, misconceptions persist, and nowhere is this more pronounced than when it comes to parents who use cannabis.

This is doubly true for parents like Vanessa, who use the plant as medicine for not only themselves, but for their kids as well. “She can’t walk, she can’t speak, she can’t do anything on her own,” Vanessa says of her now-four-year-old daughter. “For her condition there is no option. There is no treatment, there is no clinical trial she can get into—nothing. So [cannabis] really was, and is, our only hope of lulling some of her conditions from her disease.”

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Even though she lives in California—where cannabis was legalized for medical use in 1996—Vanessa says her daughter’s neurologist was against pediatric cannabis use from the start. After doing their own research, Vanessa and her husband decided to try it anyway. “We took the leap,” she recalls. “We found a dispensary that we felt was very professional and much more catered to medical needs versus recreational.”

Cannabis works so well for their daughter that she hasn’t missed a dose since that first try. “Her body is constantly moving and nothing can soothe her, and when she takes cannabis, it’s like her body just relaxes,” Vanessa says. “I can’t tell you how amazing it is to be able to hold my daughter and her body feel calm instead of just wiggling out of control. It’s the best feeling.” 

Like Becoming a Parent, Cannabis Consumption Is a Personal Choice

(darrya/iStock)

Vanessa says she keeps her own cannabis use as discreet as possible, and prefers micro-dosing with edibles like Kiva’s Terra Bites over smoking joints or hitting bongs. But Vanessa also doesn’t feel like it’s healthy to hide her cannabis use from her son, so she and her husband have always been honest with him. “He’s only seven, so we haven’t gotten to the real marijuana talk yet,” Vanessa says. “Right now what’s working well for our family is, ‘This is sissy’s medicine, this is mom’s medicine.’”

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Unfortunately though, thanks largely to decades of misinformation about what cannabis does to the brain, cannabis-consuming parents are often stereotyped as neglectful, lazy, messy, selfish, irresponsible, and emotionally unstable. Many who don’t consume cannabis themselves incorrectly assume that parents who do will actively influence their kids (and other parents’ kids) to do the same. But the cannabis-using parents I spoke with say this couldn’t be further from the truth. “I consider cannabis to be for mature adults, not for the young mind, so my kids know I have a zero-tolerance policy for them until they’re of age,” Riedle says.

Cannabis helps me self-reflect, which ultimately makes me a better person and a better parent.

Enrico Moses

Countless other parents who openly use cannabis, like long-time activist Diane Forbacher, have echoed these sentiments. So while it might be fair to assume that some parents who consume cannabis have an open dialogue with their children about it, the idea that cannabis-consuming parents hope their kids will light up with them someday is completely unfounded. As Riedle points out, educating your children is not the same thing as enabling them. “I’m not trying to grow young men who will become adult cannabis users,” Riedle tells me. “But if they choose to do that, I want them to feel free to do so in a responsible way, so I’m empowering them with knowledge.” Riedle says whether it’s sex or alcohol or cannabis, he doesn’t think there’s any value in kids being in the dark.

Some cannabis-consuming parents aren’t open about their consumption with their kids, and that’s OK too. Back in 2012, the New York Times published an essay called “Pot for Parents,” in which art dealer and father of three Mark Wolfe detailed how back pain and anxiety led him to become a “card-carrying medical cannabis patient” at the age of 44. The medicinal qualities of cannabis aren’t the main focus of his piece, though: Instead, Wolfe wrote primarily about how cannabis helps him be a more loving and attentive father. As he put it, “I find the time I spend with my children to be qualitatively different and simply more fun when I take my medicine (always in private, never in front of them, never too much).”

Since Wolfe’s op-ed was published, more and more parents have stepped out of the cannabis closet to share similar stories of their own. In 2014, the Guardian got over 200 people to share their thoughts on cannabis and parenting, and the general consensus was overwhelmingly positive. In 2015, Cosmopolitan contributor Lea Grover wrote about how cannabis has helped her manage anxiety since her twins were infants. “Genuine, honest-to-God, parenthood-induced anxiety is a real thing,” she wrote. “In my case, marijuana is my anti-anxiety drug of choice.”

Riedle says even though he’s not one to consume around his kids, he still feels like cannabis helps him be a better father. “I find the joy in things a little bit easier, I’m a little less stressed, I’m a lot more creative … Overall, cannabis makes me a better parent because it makes me a better human being,” he says. Moses agrees: “I think that [cannabis] helps me self-reflect, which ultimately makes me a better person and a better parent.”

Wine Moms vs. Weed Moms

(Weekend Images Inc/iStock)

Vanessa says going to the dispensary feels no different to her than going to the market for a bottle of wine, but this sort of normalcy around moms using cannabis just isn’t represented in mainstream culture. As any consumer of American media knows, “wine moms” are all over both small and big screens. Whether it’s Modern Family’s hardworking, painfully organized Claire Dunphy, or goofy, affectionate Linda from Bob’s Burgers, positive representations of mothers who drink wine responsibly (and daily) are easy to find. But TV moms who consume cannabis in the same way are virtually nonexistent. American television’s most famous cannabis mom is arguablyWeeds’ Nancy Botwin, and it’s safe to say she’s a fairly problematic character.

In reality, though, moms and dads all over North America responsibly use cannabis instead of alcohol for a number of reasons—from managing stress to making laundry more fun. Back in 2012, a Jezebel writer anonymously wrote about why she’s always preferred weed to wine, and why that preference didn’t change when she became a mother: “It doesn’t have the calories or the hangover,” she wrote. “And I’ve never had a glass of wine and been captivated by children’s books like I have after smoking a bowl.”

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 Wine moms are all over both small and big screens ... TV moms who consume cannabis in the same way are virtually nonexistent.

Stories like these are part of the reason Knoblich and her husband, Scott Palmer, started Kiva Confections with parents in mind. “What we aimed to do was give people control,” Knoblich says. “If you’re a parent, if you’re a career person, if you have any sort of responsibilities, then you don’t have the luxury of being experimental with cannabis.” Knoblich says Kiva’s Petra Mints have become particularly popular with moms because of their low-dose format: “I think it’s just so perfectly cut out for mothers and parents because it gives you that minimum effect, but while you still gain all of the positives.”

Green had similar things to say when I asked for her thoughts on moms using cannabis as a wellness aid. “Whether it be [dosist] or any product, I think that women should have the alternative rather than a pill that their doctor prescribed them,” she says, explaining that while she personally understands the necessity of prescription drugs, swapping out Xanax and antidepressants for dosist’s calm pen changed her life.

Green is so passionate about using cannabis as medicine that she recently helped her company host a cannabis event for Fashion Mommas—a members-only network for influential mothers who work in fashion and creative industries. “I’ve followed up with a couple of the Fashion Mommas,” Green tells me, “and they were like, ‘This has been a life-changer. I use [cannabis] instead of going right for a bottle of wine and I feel like I’m more present with my kids and my family.’” As Spivak points out, “The better parents feel, generally the better they can take care of others.”

‘Becoming a Parent Led Me to Cannabis’

(StockRocket/iStock)

In Riedle’s case, having a family is actually what led him to reunite with cannabis in the first place: Although he enjoyed smoking in college, he was more likely to drink than to vape before his two boys came along. “It’s funny, I don’t think of it this way very often, but becoming a parent sort of led me to cannabis,” Riedle explains. “I’m not saying, like, that old euphemism ‘my kids drove me to drink’—my kids drove me from drinking to cannabis.”

Riedle says when it became too difficult for him to drink regularly and still maintain a healthy lifestyle, he took the advice of a fellow father and started smoking more cannabis. Now Riedle only drinks a few times a year, and he says it’s actually the contrast with alcohol and cannabis prohibition that drives a lot of his thinking. “I think it’s completely illogical that it is OK for households to have alcohol for adult use and not have cannabis for adult use,” he says. “And that applies whether you’re a parent or not.”

*Last name withheld for privacy.

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[lovemesomesurveys]

1) What images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers? My desktop is a playful photo of Alexander Skarsgård with two dogs, my lock screen is a photo of, no surprise here, Alexander Skarsgård, and my home screen is a photo of my chocolate lab, Brandie.

2) Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? No.

3) What was your last text message? My brother asking me to open the door for him when he got home earlier.

4) What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? I have no idea. I have to take things day by day.

5) If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be? Hmm. In a cozy cabin by the fireplace with a cup of coffee.

6) What was your coolest Halloween costume? I don’t know what I’d consider my coolest to be.

7) What was your favorite 90s show? I watched like All That, Rugrats, Doug, etc.

8) Who was your last kiss? Joseph.

9) Have you ever been stood up? Yes.

10) Favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry and birthday cake.

11) Have you been to Las Vegas? No.

12) Your favorite pair of shoes? My All Star Addidas.

13) Honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other? I’m single.

14) What is your favorite fruit? Bananas.

15) Have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself dating/having sex with? If possible? No.

16) Are you into hookups? Short or long term relationships? No. I did the friends with benefits, fling thing. I’m almost thirty years old, I want something real.

17) Do you smoke? If so, what? I used to smoke weed sometimes.

18) What do you do to get over your anger? Mostly I cry and just sulk. Vent about it in a survey.

19) Do you believe in God? Yes.

20) Does the person you’re in love with know it? I’m not in love with anyone.

21) Favorite position? I wouldn’t know.

22) What’s your horoscope sign? Leo.

23) Your fears? Death of loved ones and myself, things just getting worse and never changing, failure, disappointment, all bugs/insects, closed spaces, heights, deep water, needles, the dentist, etc, etc.

24) How many pets do you have? What kind? I don’t have any anymore. :( For eight years we had a loving, sweet, kind, adorable, silly chocolate lab named Brandie. She passed away unexpectedly two months ago. It still hurts. I miss her everyday, she was my baby. <3

25) What never fails to turn you on? Alexander Skarsgård.

26) Your idea of a perfect first date? I always thought the beach and boardwalk thing sounded cute. Like riding the rides and play games on the boardwalk and such. Winning me a stuffed animal. Eating cotton candy and other yummy food. Something like that.

27) What is something most people don’t know about you? Hmm...

28) What makes you feel the happiest? My dog did. :(

29) What store do you shop at most often? Nowadays, the only store I go to regularly is Wal-Mart because we do our grocery shopping there. I haven’t been to the mall or did any clothes shopping in awhile. One of my friends and I used to go to the mall once a month, but then stuff happened in both of our lives and we just haven’t gone in awhile.

30) How do you feel about oral? Giving and/or receiving? I never have done either.

31) Do you believe in karma? No.

32) Are you single? Yes.

33) Do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize? Just apologize to me. And mean it. But also coffee and food helps.

34) Are you a good swimmer? No.

35) Coffee or Tea? Coffeeeeee.

36) Online shopping or shopping in person? In person, but I like doing some online shopping as well. I’m just too impatient and hate having to wait for it to arrive.

37) Would you rather be older or younger than your current age? Younger.

38) Cats or Dogs? Dogs.

39) Are you a competitive person? No.

40) Do you believe in aliens? I’m not sure where I stand, really.

41) Do you like dancing? Dancing for me is just head bobbing and maybe moving my arms a bit.

42) What kind of music to you listen to? I like variety.

43) What is your favorite cartoon character? I don’t have one.

44) Where are you from? California.

45) Eat at home or eat out? Get take out to eat at home. haha.

46) How much more social are you when you’re drunk? I would a lot more talkative when drunk.

47) What was the last thing you bought for yourself? Some makeup and food items.

48) Why do you think your followers follow you? They like surveys, I’m guessing.

49) How many hours do you sleep at night? Five, sometimes six.

50) What worries you most about the future? E v e r y t h i n g.

51) If you had a friend that spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends? Yikesss. We wouldn’t be.

52) Are you happy with yourself? No.

53) What do you wish you didn’t know? *shrug*

54) What big lesson could people learn from your life? Ha, I have no idea.

55) If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be? I’m watching this new show called, Big Little Lies, and it takes place in a beach town. All the characters live in gorgeous beach houses and gah that is goals.

56) What’s your favorite Website? Tumblr.

57) What’s the habit you’re proudest of breaking? I haven’t really broken any notable habits.

58) What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles? I haven’t gone anywhere outside of my city in quite awhile.

59) What’s the best bargain you’ve ever found at a garage sale or thrift store? I’ve never gone to a garage sale, and I haven’t really gone thrift store shopping. I’ve look around, but didn’t find anything really.

60) What do you order when you eat Chinese food? Chow mien, orange chicken, pot sticks, crab Rangoon, and egg rolls.

61) If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be? Georgia or Virginia.

62) If you had to teach a subject to a class, what would it be? English.

63) Favorite kind of chips? Spicy.

64) Favorite kind of sandwich? Either salami, turkey, bologna, or pastrami with provolone, mustard, and mayo. If I get a deli sandwich, I’ll add oil and vinegar.

65) Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus? I haven’t used either one in a long time.

66) Have you ever been stung by a bee? No.

67) What’s your favorite form of exercise? Ha. Me. Exercise. Good one.

68) Are you afraid of heights? Yes.

69) What’s the most memorable class you’ve ever taken? A lot of my psychology courses.

70) What’s your favorite breakfast? Breakfast burritos.

71) Do you like guacamole? Yesss.

72) Have you ever been in a physical fight? No.

73) What/who are you thinking about right now? Right at this very moment I’m thinking about getting a cup of coffee and something sweet to eat. It’s my normal after dinner routine.

74) Do you like cuddling? Yes.

75) Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes.

76) Have you ever experienced one of your biggest fears? Yes.

77) Favorite city you’ve been to? A few in my state.

78) Would you break the law to save a family member? Yes.

79) Talk about an embarrassing moment? Nahhh.

80) Are there any causes you strongly believe in? Yes.

81) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? The one that made me a paraplegic, I’d say.

82) Favorite day of the week? I don’t have one.

83) Do you consider yourself sexually open minded? I have zero sexual experience, so I don’t know what I’d be comfortable with and what I wouldn’t be okay with.

84) How do you feel about porn? Not my thing.

85) Which living celebrity would you like to know? I’m sure you could guess. Coughalexanderskarsgardcough.

86) Who was your hottest ex? Joseph.

87) Do you want/have kids? I don’t know.

88) Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you? No.

89) Do you get easily distracted? Yes, sometimes.

90) Ass or titties? A nice firm butt on a guy is nice. ha.

91) What is your favorite word? I don’t know.

92) How do you feel about tattoos? They can be cool. It all depends.

93) Do you have any pets? No.

94) How tall are you? I would have been about 5′7.

95) How old are you? Twenty-seven.

96) 3 physical features you get complimented on a lot? My hair. That’s really it.

97) Is there anything you’re really passionate about? No. :/

98) Do you have trust issues? I just have a hard time opening up and expressing myself to others.

99) Do you believe in love at first sight? No.