#she doesnt really know how to use a microwave but its too late to ask

[ghostryders]

i think Anoleis calling shepard a colonial rube, protectionist and also a communist is top 10 character building moments in mass effect. im so obsessed with the concept of commander shepard just being really into labor unions and also knowing everything there is to know about homesteading. learning how to live on ships was a major learning curve but at least they had the insane work ethic of a farm kid.

[carbonarafootprint]

frick it kurtbastian hogwarts au on the dash

(just a quick note it started as kurtbastian and does mention them a lot but also a lot of it is kurts friendships and the glee characters in hogwarts in general lol)

- sebastian is a slytherin and so is santana- his frenemy

- kurt is a hufflepuff (loyalty to his friends and whatnot)

- but all of kurts friends (britanny, mercedes, quinn, goth tina) are ravenclaws

- sebastian likes quidditch and defense against the dark arts the most

- no really

- he definitely doesnt enjoy potions

- hes not a nerd

- kurt likes muggle studies mainly bc of all the old films they get to watch (and partially bc burt is a muggle so he tends to excel)

- sebastian, on the other hand, thought a microwave was just a term to discuss the ocean on a calm day

- the only class they share is defense against the dark arts

- sebastian likes the really dramatic spells and tends to get carried away especially bc hes a slytherin- of course he wants to win

- kurt is a pacifist and finds it implorable that this class is still mandatory (although he excels in it) bc didnt harry potter kill voldemort like 20 years ago?

- kurt and brittany go down to the kitchens a lot; brittany has made friends with the house elfs and kurt enjoys cooking. they also both question the claims that the house elves “enjoy” being servants

- they decide to question this publicly and try to campaign for the rights of hoyse elves- not to stop them from working entirely, but to give them wages/ workers rights and the option to leave their “families”

- mercedes favourite lesson is astronomy and she is often found hanging out at the astronomy tower late at night and quinn tends to join her

- sam thinks french is a dead language

- brittany has never met a muggle in her life. she is also hagrids favourite student.

- unique transfers from beauxbatons in her fifth year and magic has made her transition a lot easier physically although she still has her struggles

- she quickly makes friends with kurts group, specifically kurt and mercedes, and joins their weekly sleepovers

- wes is a ravenclaw and head boy, and mcgonagall may have somewhat taken him under her wing

- sue coaches the slytherin quidditch team (sebastian and santana are beaters). there are rumours that voldemort was more afraid of her than dumbledore, he was just nervous about her reaction if he said it aloud.

- there are also rumours that she was a muggle and just showed up one day. nobody has ever seen her use magic.

- will is in azkaban. no one knows what for but no one disagrees that he belongs there.

- emma is the charms teacher and cleans her classroom the magic way then the muggle way just to be sure

- kurt mercedes and tina alter their robes so that they can lace ribbon through them for the aesthetic

- mcgonagall hates the lack of tradition but reluctantly respects the drip

- kurt wears velour/velvet robes on occasion. he has never once followed the uniform and as such spends far more time in detention than his attitude would suggest

- consequently most of his house hates him (except for mike who knows him through tina)

- kurt and sebastian get put in detention on the same day (sebastian and santana got into an argument which they had already forgiven each other for, but the property damage had not yet forgotton. kurt wore constellation patterned robes to his astronomy lesson and, when he was asked to change, told his professor she was the sole reason that witches were portrayed as old hags in fairy tales.)

-they form a reluctant friendship built on bullying the astronomy teacher and theorising why will was in azkaban

- they begin partnering up in defense against the dark arts

- kurt still thinks its useless but secretly looks forwards to the lessons with his friend

- santana is a little furious that she lost sebastian, her usual partner in the lesson (the teacher is quietly thrilled, as far fewer walls have been broken since this development)

- kurt and sebastian both slowly fall for each other, documenting it to moaning myrtle who is far too invested

- sebastian, unsure of how to express his affections, remembers kurts fondness of muggle studies

- as such, he learns about how plants tend to be a romantic gesture in the muggle world. he doesnt get it at first, giving kurt mandrakes that scream at him and make him think hes done something to upset sebastian

- he eventually gets the hang of it though, giving kurt small flowers like lavender and daisies which kurt is far too happy to tuck into a safety pin and wear like a brooch

- they eventually decide to go out together to hogsmede and spend the afternoon at madame puddifoot’s (kurt thought the decoration was tacky but missed tea parties. sebastian was just happy kurt was happy and if they spent 2 hours in dervish and banges thats his business. he also tries not to think about how kurt manages to spend so long in gladrags wizardwear)

- after they decide to go steady, they realise that santana is looking a little lost without sebastian

- they also notice that she was oddly supportive of kurt and brittany’s attempts at house elf rights for someone who hardly seemed to care about people

- they decide to set brittany and santana up

- mercedes helps bc she loves a bit of romance (especially since sam from gryffindor has started leaving notes on pieces of parchment in her defense textbook, but thats her business)

- tbh their plan is very simple they just tell them both that they are setting them up on a blind date and the work does itself

- mercedes finally responds to sams notes with one of her own, asking if he’d like to join her by the great lake

- he agrees and they spend the night with a picnic as mercedes points out the different constellations

- quinn watches from the astronomy tower, slightly solemnly

- when mercedes asks her opinions on sam, she tells the truth; he seems like he really likes mercedes and is good for her (she doesnt mention how much better she thinks could be for her)

- the smythe family has a family crest which sebastian has as a wax seal stamp

- he uses it on every letter he sends with emerald green wax, except for the ones to kurt which he uses navy blue wax and a badger seal (until later, when he learns just how deeply kurt enjoys fashion at which point it becomes a lavender wax with a stamp that shows a pair of scissors)

- as life goes on, the letters that kurt keeps have a rainbow of different seals and sebastian has a full drawer of stamps (so what if he likes to see kurt smile thats his business)

- kurt designs formal robes and has a band in his spare time with elliott, who uses every excuse to wear kurts robes onstage

- sebastian becomes a lawyer and ends up notorious for legally permitting house elves workers rights

- mercedes and sam live in the countryside where they can watch the stars without any form of pollution, but close enough to the city that mercedes can go to all the fashion shows that she can stand and sam (a pureblood) can be introduced to the cinema

- quinn and mercedes stay best friends and quinn eventually gets over her crush to the point that they can laugh about it together. she meets a nice girl and they work on making new products for weasley wizard wheezes

- santana and brittany become dancers and tour the world with that, although santana will preform with kurts band when shes in the uk

- sometimes sebastian will press flowers and stamp them into a wax seal when hes away from kurt and recieves a particularly sad letter

- eventually kurt and sebastian move to france (dont worry, burt isnt left alone as the schools nurse, carole, had taken a liking to him and it had absolutely nothing to do with kurt- plus, the floo network was something he’d finally got the hang of)

[the-fiction-witch]

Remember Me P2

REAL LIFE:  COUPLE: TBS X READER RATING: SADNESS + MILD SMUT

REQUESTED:

funkenniffler said: Part 2 pleeeeeaaasssseeeeeeee

smokinsnail said: Yassss part 2!!

imyourmessyouremycure said: Pls part 2! I loved it and I’d like to know what happens next

lauragarfitt said: Please do part 2 I love your writing and this story is so captivating to read!

http://whatifwearefiction.tumblr.com/post/173269519875/remember-me 

Y/N POV:

I Woke suddenly sitting up in a bed, it felt comfy and familiar to me my silky nightgown clinging to me I heard the sound of movement in the bathroom to my left “aww hey sleepy head” a guy smiled leaning on the door frame of the bathroom half naked with a towel around his neck as he dried his hair 

“Hi” I smile at him 

“Somebody’s happy, nice dream last night?” he asked as he wondered in sorting himself out

“I dont remember” I say sadly as a little black cat jumped onto my bed I happily petted it the guy came over sitting on my bed with me now having dried his hair and got a shirt on

“Come on, you need to do your practice, do you remember that?” He asks me

“Uhhhh.... My Name is Y/n… I live in london… I’m Y/A years old… thats comet, this is my flat” I recite and he smiled at me

“Look at you, your getting so much better” he smiled kissing my head before looking at me cautiously “Do you...remember me?” he asked I looked at him trying to recall anything about him i could remember

“Thomas?” I ask a little unsure and he blushed like crazy 

“aww sweetheart” He smiled hugging me tightly “Your getting so much better” He smiled at me before he got up “Right... Bacon?” he asked me

“Please” I smile

“Okay, Shout me if you need me” He smiled before he wondered off so I got up out of bed and wondered into the other room everything seemed familiar to me yet like...i couldn't remember details I saw thomas cooking away in the kitchen as i wondered around I saw a painting a beach with a pier it had a fairground too where was this? I kept looking all the little things I remember I glanced to the bookshelf a book was gone...but I couldn't remember enough about it to say what was missing, the bin below it the bag had changed, it now contained two empty cigarette packets, a box from something, and -

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! came from the front door I froze as it frightened me someone was at our door? who? why?

“Can you go keep and eye on Breakfast sweetheart I’ll get the door” thomas told me so  i went and kept an eye on the cooking bacon an the brewing coffee in the machine, some scrambled egg cooking in the Microwave with all these noises I couldn't hear anything going on at the door till I heard a slam that shuddered the apartment and thomas came back looking stressed “thank you sweetheart” He smiled kissing my cheek returning to doing the cooking I stepped towards the door did Thomas slam the door? or was it the other person? who was at the door? why didnt he tell me? why does everything feel so....wrong.

“Y/n, sweetheart what are you doing?” Thomas asked me

“Nothing” I smile 

“Okay, Ohh your little nighties falling down” He laughed at me fixing the straps and pulling it down a little “there, now your not walking around with your privets out” He laughed at me

“Ohh sorry” I blush

“Relax sweetheart, nothing  haven't seen before” he smiled “I’m quiet used to you flashing your tits at me” he smirked kissing my nose before he returned to cooking I noticed on the dinning table was a pile of letters and a parcel 

“Can i?” I ask him

“Oh sure” he told me so I opened a couple letters nothing interesting, Rent bills, Water bills, apparently a magazine subscription was due to be late, I opened the parcel is was a little box with a ring inside

“whats this?” I ask him as he came over handing me breakfast and my tea 

“Ohh...finaly I’ve been waiting for that” he laughed “Dont you remember, they had to cut your ring off at the hospital? I sent it away got it repaired for you” he smiled

“Ohh...well that was nice of you” I laugh as he took the ring out the box kneeling by my chair and he put the ring back on my finger 

“There you go, felt like something was missing wasn't it?” He smiled and I nod a little lost looking at my ring it was so pretty how could I ever forget about it once I had eaten my breakfast I sat a bit confused what to do “if you want love, i’ll run  you a bath help you relax a little” he suggests

“That would be nice” i smile

“okay, give me a minuet, bubbles?” he asked

“Yes please” I smile

“Okay” He smiled kissing my head and going off to the bathroom I got up for a moment wondering around again as I did there was a little note slipped though the mail box on the door it was a blue bit of paper that read

My darling? why dont you remember me? why wont you come home?

“Sweetheart? whats the matter?” thomas asked me

“nothing” I smile hiding the paper behind me

“Well your bath is ready, nice a toasy, some nice bubbles, I even got you a nice bath bomb okay” He told me

“Thank you thomas” I smile kissing his cheek making him blush like crazy as I went into the bathroom that bath did look nice so I stripped off my nightie and got in I relaxed in the hot water for a while looking at the note, darling? thomas doesnt call me that, he calls me sweetheart, remember you? who are you? where you at the door? did you try to see me? are you my family? are you my friend? come home? i thought i was home? is it not? is this not my home? is thomas...not who I think he is? 

“Sweetheart? is it okay if i come in?” I heard thomas ask from the other side of the door I quickly drunk the letter in the water letting it disintegrate in the water 

“Uhh sure” i blush moving as much bubble as i could to cover myself up as he came in shutting the door behind him he smirked at me his eyes so strange a look I couldn’t really remember 

“Ummm... you look pretty today” he smirked at me

“Thanks” I blush

“You wanna get out now?” He asked and I nod so he grabbed me a nice red towel and held  it up for me but I just blush “Okay, okay Im not looking” He laughed so I got up and wrapped the towel around me standing by the mirror “Why are you so shy sweetheart?” he asked me

“I dont know” I stutter

“Y/n Could I?” He asks tapping my waist 

“Uhh...sure” I blush and he smiled wrapping his arms tightly around my waist 

“Ummm I missed cuddling with you” he smiled

“it is comfy” I giggle I kept feeling him tighten his grip on me and kissing down my neck

“You so beautiful” He groaned “Please...let me look at you” He smirked tugging off my towel leaving me naked I instantly tried to cover myself up feeling so exposed with him looking at me “Sorry sweetheart...its just when your nightie rid up this morning you where showing off so much...I couldn't stop myself” He groaned kissing down my neck his hands sliding up from my waist to my tits grabbing one in each hand and firming groping them “Umm they feel so good” he moaned in my ear “Umm Its been so long my darling” He moaned I didn't really know what to think of all this “Why are you being so shy sweetheart? wheres that sexy little deviant I married” he smirked one hand moving away from my tits and slipping inside me causing me to gasp in shock “Humm there she is” He smirks he tried to move his finger but it just hurt everything hurt

“Thomas stop your hurting me” I told him 

“oh sweetheart im sorry” he told me stopping everything and turning me to face him “its just...its been so long since we did anything, not since before the accident, I know you need your space and all, its just...its getting a little hard is all” He told me

“Im sorry thomas, maybe when I remember a little more” I smile

“Okay” He smiles holding me tightly

Part 3?

[trademarkhubris]

dark thoughts about how good for the economy floods and other small disasters like the one i endured, or bigger ones i really dont want to think abt rn. my insurance is actually one of the less annoying out there. they'll ask for a quote from a specialist and send the money and then you can do wtf you want. for the most part.

but thats for... the pool, the walls... immovable property... anything thats furniture is reimbursed based on the purchasing price, minus 10% per year since purchase. that means if an object is ten years old, you get zilch.

my big freezer has a good 20 years behind it, it got toasted in the flood. the small summer fridge is from 2005, maybe it survived. the karsher is 15 years old, dead. the compressor is??? maybe it survived, maybe it didnt, but i saw it floating on its belly in mud water so yeah. the small oven and microwave i was keeping from a friend were his grandma's, dead. my washing machine is from at least 2010, only one button works now, it starts on its own & we cant change the programs anymore. my fridge is from the fucking fifties. its not broken *yet* but this year has not been a lucky year so far

plus two of the cars got water in... they're starting but if theres water damage thats not covered... and the vehicle safety inspection just got harder to pass... my mechanic had like 6 or 7 cars behind the garage that were just. going to the junkyard.

so will my insurance refund the time spent washing the house and garden?! or spent looking for my goldfish in the grass. or spent wondering if the cat last seen under a car made it somewhere else bc the water is now halfway to the tyres. or all the food that unfroze. or stressig over how this could probably happen again anytime now bc the environment is so fucked next week is heatwave then rain then heatwave then thunderstorm and the town doesnt care abt how shitty their water evacuation system is and the power outages did i mention the power outages bc these clowns make their live wires with ass hair

& they also dont refund the time spent on the phone with people saying "some people have it worse than you do!" yeah thanks! if you had two cents of empathy you'd realize all the reasons why that doesn't make me feel better! but youre just doing your job so i'll shut the fuck up!

im not... we're not dirt poor... we have a money cushion rn... bc family members died... but its money im so fucking scared to touch... bc i dont have a job... my moms job is not super well paying... we have way too many animals... the *human* health insurance here is pretty fucking great but i dont have a health insurance for every pet i have... and they need to eat... and we need to eat... the house is relatively expensive to maintain and we need to put it back in shape if we want to sell it to find a smaller less costly one... and now floods... that money is something we're all in all really fucking lucky to have, and i say that knowing a beloved grandpa died for us to have it

(and on that note; i can't 100% guarantee that for my entire life bc i dont know what the future is made of, but for as long as i can help it i will not have a ko-fi or a gofundme or even an amazon wishlist. theres so many people deeper in money issues than i have ever been. i cant pretend to understand what theyre going through or that i deserve even one percent of what they need.)

anyway thats not what i was gonna say. do you know how good for economy these disasters are? i gotta buy so much shit rn. even if i get help, that money is moving around and into some rich man's picket. my mechanic is overworked (but he always is lmao its the countryside theres always a car to repair) the car carriers have so much work the one who came for us found a way to make our car work again so he could *not* transport it.

theres so much money going around rn lmao. money to the laundromat bc our washer is kaput and we used a lot of towels and drapes to sponge off the water inside, and also regular clothes. money for the new pressure wash to take care of the mud everywhere in the verandas and garages. my neighbor got like 80 cm of mud in her house and she has to remake everything. she lost everything! shes gotta re-buy all that stuff! she'll get help but it's still money moving around! yaaaay!!!!!

so yeah! the planet's so fucked up it's mud party inside my neighbor's house! but the economy fucking LOVES that shit. gobbles it up like a babybel. doesnt even take the red wax off. om nom nom nom nom

anyway im fine its fine its cool isnt it cool everythings cool and fine and awesome late stage capitalism is a dream

[humanlyimprobable]

ok so im watching shane dawson’s video about eugenia cooney and i guess its helped me realize some things about my own weight? and mental health around it? im gonna put it under a read more so as not to accidentally trigger anyone hopefully, just know that nothings too severe, this is just some stuff i didn’t notice that i wanna get better with. 

ok so, for most of my life i’ve always been an incredibly skinny, small person. to the point where it’s the main comment i’ve recieved through out my entire life. “you’re so skinny!” “you’re skin and bone!” “you need to eat!” “you’re tiny!” and the like. my weight’s always been really down there, for most of my childhood i was in the 50s pound wise. when i was at camp as a kid two counsellors discovered they could play catch with me thats how small i was. and this stuff has been 99% of my entire life. the only time it wasnt this way was when i was a literal toddler and still had a lot of baby fat to the point that my sister would call me santa claus cus my belly stuck out, which i didn’t mind, in fact i actively enjoyed it because santa claus is the best hes just a sweet generous old guy who give magical presents on christmas whats not to love? 

anyways, im 18 and im in the 90s weight wise today. the most i have ever weighed in my entire life was just barely over 100 pounds. i still receive lots of comments about how tiny i am, to the point that most people dont take me seriously when i say things like “im gaining weight” or “my hips and thighs are bigger then the rest of me”. 

idk. moving on to the food related stuff i guess, ‘m a super picky eater, there are a lot of foods that i just straight up cant eat cus theyre so gross it can be physically painful sometimes? other then that though i do genuinely love food. food is amazing and wonderful and if i had the energy and not germaphobia i would be cooking all the time because i just love food so much, and i love to experiment some times, i like trying new recipes, i love adding new things to recipes and seeing how it turns out. but uh, growing up my dad was very strict about food. if it was on your plate you had to eat all of it. no matter what it was. and this was awful for me, especially as an undiagnosed autistic person. i hated a lot of foods that ended up on my plate, and i had so many meltdowns at the dinner table. i still panic today at the thought of wasting anything, even when im genuinely full or have no use for something or hate something. i still panic because of how guilty he made me feel. and its made me scared to try completely new things. 

but then there are other issues. germaphobia, general pickiness, lack of energy, so on that makes eating really hard for me sometimes. for those who dont know, my mom is a building manager, she is on call 24/7 pretty much, and she’s out most of the day. i feel bad admitting this but my mom is the main way i get food because my executive dysfunction, germaphobia, and fatigue issues make it so that the only things i can really feed myself are normally things like pizza pockets, rice cups, and cup noodles or ready made snacks like scones. i used to eat microwave meals for almost every meal of the day but i don’t want to live like that i want to eat real food, so i tried to cut down on it. everybody always talked about how bad they were for me so i tried to stop but its kind of left me in a worse off position considering the things i mainly eat nowadays (cup noodles are way worse for you then frozen spaghetti) but im scared to go back to the meals i ate before because im scared of being judged again. i wake up and maybe have a small snack if im able to tide me over till mom gets home and i can have something like a burger. 

but thats the problem. mom is out most of the day. from the time i wake up to the time mom is able to take the time to help me get actual food is at least around 5 hours or so, and thats a long time to go. not to mention that after work shes so tired and exhausted that i feel bad just asking for her help to get food. by the time her work is done all she wants and what she needs is to go to bed but if she does that before helping me then i might go without supper.

then there are other issues. i mentioned before how 99% of my life i’ve always been a very skinny tiny person, and thats kind of something that i was known for for multiple times in my life. im always the tiniest weighs the least of my friend groups. and im kind f scared of gaining weight because of that. that time  that i mentioned earlier where i was above 100lbs? it was scary. it was getting harder to recognize my body. i’ve almost always been able to see my ribs, but it was getting harder and harder to see them. my pants started getting too tight. and i was scared. i’ve lost other important parts of my identity before and it hurts. it hurts to go through that kind of identity crisis. and im scared of having another one. 

ive always been told that i should be proud of how i look, because im conventially attractive in a lot of ways. but im not. this might sound stupid but its hard. i want to gain weight i want to loook different, be different! but. im scared. im scared of being seen as gross in any way. even f its not true at all. im scared of people seeing me differently. i’ve worked so hard to be who i am today, and i want to work even harder to be who i really want to be. i was trained into a lot of things that people know me as. and some of it is purely automatic at this point. to the extent that there are some things that i physically am almost completely unable to break out of. i want to change those. i really really do. i want to change so much. but im scared. ik i’ve said that a lot but i am. who will i be? who would people see me as? how would i function? i dont know. i really dont. 

it actually makes me really uncomfortable when people talk about how skinny i am. i dont care as much about my height, though itd be nice to reach some higher selves i actually really like that part of myself. the weight is different though. its such a complex relationship that even this crazy long vent isnt an accurate way to sum everything up. im proud of it in a way, its something im known for, it makes me feel unique, and it is something unique about me right now. but in another way, i hate it. it makes other people see me as weak, defenseless, so on. it makes me a target of creepy men. its a product of abuse and disabillity in part. it contributes to my dysphoria. it contributes towards people not taking me seriously. its dominated part of my sense of identity in a way that i hate. 

and thats what the eugenia video helped me realize. i might not’ve caught any of this if it wasnt for that video. it helped me see that unhealthy feelings about this stuff doesnt need to be/start as this crazy severe thing. there have been times when i legitamately have thought “maybe its good i haven’t been eating much lately” and i didn’t catch just how potentially dangerous those thoughts were until now. and i cannot express how thankful i am to shane and eugenia for helping me recognize that. i want to work on eating more. as best as im able. i want to work on gaining weight. i want to be better. and im gonna try to be. 

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.