#she and our other friend went to walmart

[thesingingrevolution]

i’ve been blessed with the best friend because i was just randomly doing my hw on a sunday evening and this girl knocks on my door and gives me this hello?????

[inkskinned]

i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

[ohmyitsfaith]

The sunshine and the grump / Part 2

Pairing: Sparrow!Ben Hargreeves x Fem!Reader

Summary: Sudden visitors show up on a calm day and chaos ensues. Who are they and where did they come from? But most importantly why are they here? You, your husband and his family are ready to find some answers.

Warnings: fighting, Sparrow!Ben being sparrow!Ben

Word count: 3.3k

A/n: Hi everyone, I know, it's been a while. But here is something that should have been done sooner. The second part to The sunshine and the grump. Please forgive me for this, but in this part Viktor is refered to as "Vanya" and using she/her pronouns. This is solely for the reason that this story is from the reader's point of view and she doesn't know that he's Viktor. If there's an interest in a new part, then obviously I will incorporate him coming out as Viktor. Anyway, long a/n to the side, I hope you guys will enjoy it!

“Shit” broke out of the six people standing in front of you collectively.

Ben guided you behind him gently, sheltering you from the strangers.

“Ben?”

A soft sigh is all that could be heard from the guy wearing a cowboy hat. His eyes shimmered with unshed tears and you couldn’t even guess who he was and where he came from. You never saw him before and your husband wasn’t the type to make friends so easily. So why did this man know his name? Why did he look at him as if he saw a ghost?

“Is that really you?” the biggest guy walked forward, also looking distraught and his face twisted in confusion and grief.

“And who are those weirdos,” the walmart-batman guy yelled and you followed his line of sight, “on the balcony?”

Your eyebrows furrowed in slight anger, but before you could answer at all, Reginald spoke up.

“They are the Sparrows, my children.”

You felt, more than saw Ben standing up straighter and could only imagine the rest of the Hargreeves doing the same, up on the balcony.

“I’m sorry,” the small boy spoke up after the initial shock passed through his group. “What do you mean your children? That’s not possible, old man.”

“Of course it is!” Reginald exclaimed as your sibling-in-laws joined you downstairs. “I think I’d know, wouldn’t I?”

While most of the group looked at Reginald with untrusting gazes (which you could understand, he was your father-in-law and yet you didn’t trust the man fully), the cowboy hat guy was still looking at your husband with misty eyes.

“Everybody else can see Ben, right?” he asked, which made you even more confused. Why wouldn’t they be able to see your husband?

“Cute hat, Sundance” Ben said sarcastically, still keeping you behind him. You grabbed onto his arm lightly, to keep him grounded. But that’s exactly when the man noticed you and his eyes went even wider.

“Jennifer?” he asked louder, seemingly in shock and it prompted the rest of the group to look toward you, Ben’s arm curling around you protectively.

“Do not talk to my wife, asshole” he growled.

“Oh my gosh, it’s you! You- you guys are married!” cowboy hat guy gushed.

“Okay, that is it!” Ben moved to lash out against the guy, but Marcus stopped him.

“Enough” he said in his calming voice. “Who are you and why are you in our home?”

“They call themselves the Umbrella Academy,” Reginald answered instead. “A group of scheming, perfidious malcontents, who accosted me in the fall of 1963, when I was away on business in Dallas” he explained. “Be warned,“ he added, “they claim to be my spawn.”

That caught the attention of the woman with the very stylish cloak as she stepped forward.

“Claim?!” she then turned to her brother(?) in confusion. “Five, what the hell is going on?”

“I don’t know, but it’s concerning,” the little guy, Five, sighed.

“Is he telling the truth?” Marcus spoke up, looking at the so-called Umbrella Academy.

“Well, not the part about us being perfidious-” the other woman started, just to be immediately interrupted by the cowboy-hat guy.

“No, we’re amateur-fidious, at best” he said, which just confused you and, seemingly, the rest of the Sparrows as well.

“But we are his children. This is our house” the woman confirmed.

“Yeah, yeah, we, uh… We grew up here” the big guy jumped in.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, we grew up here” Alphonso mocked the guy, which made Fei and Jayme chuckle.

“I-” Sloane started. “Kinda think we would’ve noticed you.”

You could see the moment that the big guy realized who talked and just what kind of person she was. You saw his eyes light up and a dumb smile graced his features.

“Hi. I’m Luther” he stepped forward and offered his hand.

“Monkey-brain” you whispered and Ben scoffed.

“Okay” the stylish woman walked towards you. “None of you belong here.”

“What?” you asked at the same time Fei said sarcastically: “Oh, well then! I guess we’ll just pack our bags and move out.”

“Yeah and while we’re at it, how about we also give you our jobs. Clearly, you are so good at it” Christopher garbled. “Seriously, these idiots can’t even understand the fact that we are the ones living here, imagine what kind of heroes they are.”

This caused the Sparrows to laugh and even you let out a chuckle. He had a point.

“You slay me, Chris,” Ben shook his head.

The next moment Grace arrived with a plate filled with cookies. At her legs was your chonky cat C/n. He meowed lowly and hissed at the new people before darting across the space, toward Ben and you.

“I wasn’t expecting company,” Grace sighed as you leaned down to pick up C/n. “This is the best I could do on short-” she glitched and repeated the word again, “short… short notice.”

You winced as you stood up with C/n in your arms.

“It’s okay, darling boy” you whispered and started stroking his back. “They won’t hurt you. Daddy won’t let them.”

“Mom…” you heard wallmart-batman’s wistful voice, which immediately weirded you out.

And not just you, because Jayme spoke up as well.

“Mom? She’s a robot you perv” she scoffed.

“She’s not a robot!” wallmart-batman turned toward her defensively.

“Hey, don’t you call him that!” the big guy, Luther, snapped at Jayme.

“Or what?” Ben asked in defense of Jayme.

“Come closer and find out!” Luther stepped toward Ben as he started approaching the big guy as well.

“Luther! Guys, chill!” the smaller woman tried to stop Luther, while you reached out to stop Ben.

“Think I’m afraid?” Ben asked and you could feel his hostility roll off of him.

“Ben! Please” you asked him timidly, but your voice didn’t even reach him.

“Ben, stand down!” Marcus commanded, but Luther was speaking over him already and chaos started to form.

“Look at that, she’s got a voice!” he pointed at you.

“How about I hide that big Rubik’s Cube up your ass?” wallmart-batman asked, annoyed with Marcus.

“Enough!” Marcus finally shouted. “I don’t know what circus you escaped from,” Marcus started and you could see wallmart-batman touch his cheek, where something black just disappeared, “or how you got past our security, but we’re done here. You got 30 seconds to get out of our house” he said in a no-nonsense voice.

“And if we don’t?” the stylish woman asked just as you realized what was happening with wallmart-batman. You looked back at Jayme, who just shrugged.

“Then we’ll have to settle this the old-fashioned way” Marcus stepped forward, ever the leader.

You zeroed in on wallmart-batman, who looked totally out of it, sweat on his forehead and tears in his eyes.

“What did he hallucinate?” you whispered to Jayme.

“I’ll tell you later” she smirked.

“Look, we just fought a literal army. Okay?” the short woman tried to diffuse the situation. “This doesn’t need to get ugly. Let’s all just calm down and let’s talk.”

And honestly, you were on her side. You didn’t want to risk the house or your sibling-in-laws or C/n for that matter. This could definitely be…

“Psst. Ben-er-ino” cowboy hat guy sing-songed as he looked at your husband. You could see his shoulders tense even more and an exasperated sigh left him. “You look so much better alive than you do dead.”

Oh no…

“Am I right?” cowboy hat guy asked from the Umbrellas and the only thing you could do is wince. From this point onward you wished that he shut up because even you wouldn’t be able to stop your husband if he was angered by the guy. “Except the haircut” he waved his hands.

“Oh no” you winced as Alphonso reached out and pushed you even further from the Umbrellas to keep you safe. He knew just as well as any of the Sparrows: this is where it gets ugly.

“What the hell did you just say?” Ben stepped forward.

“Come on, come on!” cowboy hat guy walked toward Ben. “Stop with all the hostility, Mr. Grumpy Pants” he stopped in front of your husband and leaned forward. “Oh, nice scar! Muy macho.”

“Oof” you commented and you could hear Jayme scoff as well.

“Shut. Your. Mouth!” Ben snarled and you knew, only a string held his anger.

“You shut your mouth and hug your brother!” cowboy hat guy exclaimed and opened his arms for a hug. And that’s exactly when Ben struck.

It was truly a beautiful hook that Ben delivered, you had to admit. But you wished that cowboy hat would’ve just stopped before it got ugly. You watched as he fell across the coffee table and it caused Luther to snap at Ben.

“Hey! What the hell?” he snapped. “You didn’t have to do that!”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I did!” Ben snapped back.

“That’s right, he did!” Alphonso backed him up.

“Hey, get back! Back off!” Marcus shouted as Luther stepped closer.

“Luther!” you heard the short woman yell out as Jayme grabbed your arm and pulled you behind the counter, just as Marcus pushed Luther.

And all hell broke loose. Marcus and Luther started fighting and the Sparrows and Umbrellas paired up as well.

“Jayme, get Y/n out of here!” Ben yelled as the small Umbrella teleported toward him and started fighting with him.

You could hear yelling from both the Sparrows and the Umbrellas as they fought and you could only try to stay calm as Jayme pulled you toward the exit. But you didn’t get far as the stylish woman intercepted you and Jayme, along with the short woman. You ducked just in time as one of Fei’s ravens dived in to try and attack the stylish woman, who immediately took up the fight.

“Sloane!” Jayme yelled out and pushed you toward the woman. “Take care of her! I have a shorter problem.”

This, C/n didn’t like and he jumped out of your hands, scratching them in the process.

“Ouch!” you hissed, holding it.

“C’mon Y/n, let’s get you out of here!”

“Alright” you nodded, frantic now that the chaos started to get to you.

You could hear Jayme knock the short woman down as Sloane tried to lead you toward the stairs. But that’s exactly where Fei and the stylish lady were fighting.

“Uh… okay, plan B” Sloane stepped back and looked up at the balcony.

“Oh, please, no” you tried to plead with her. “You know I don’t…”

“Just get to your room, we’ll get you, when we’re done here” she promised and you felt her powers wrap you up and lift you toward the balcony.

You landed behind the railing and stood up. That’s when you heard the short woman say: “My turn.”

You could see her turning… white? And you knew you had to flee. Before much else could happen though, Sloane used her powers on her as well, though less gentler than she did on you.

“Shit!” you yelled out as the short woman slammed into the pictures behind you as you ducked, afraid.

But just as you stumbled through the short hallway to be able to turn right, a knife whizzed by you and you soon heard Chris’s garbled yelling.

“Y/n, be careful!”

You looked back and saw him getting chased by wallmart-batman. You quickly fell to the left, where you could turn down the corner. Just in time, because in the next moment, Chris also turned that way, knives shooting toward him. You held your head for a second, trying to gather all your courage to move. You’ve never been this close to a fight, Ben always made sure that you were in a safe distance.

“Okay, Y/n, you have to move” you told yourself, gripping your hair. You screwed your eyes shut and took a deep breath. Then you stood up and sneaked toward the walkway.

But just as you reached the main staircase that led down, you bumped into the boy. Quite literally.

“Oh, you…” he narrowed his eyes.

“Please don’t hurt me” you put your arms up, in front of your face.

“You’re harmless?” the boy arched an eyebrow, suspicious of your surrender.

“I swear! I’m just Ben’s wife, a normal human!” you pleaded.

The next moment he flashed away. You flinched, but the punch never came. Instead you heard the swooshing sound three more times and he was back at the portraits. You peered over the railing to see Jayme approach him and the stylish lady. Before you could be spotted by stylish lady, you ducked back down and continued sneaking away from the scene.

“Hey!” you were almost at the end of the hall, when you heard her yell. You tried moving forward, but she was faster. She grabbed the back of your shirt, lifting you up.

“Please, please, please, don’t hurt me” you whimpered. “I’m no one, I’m just a simple girl!”

“Yeah I don’t believe that, Jennifer!” she accused you.

“That’s the second time you called me that, but I don’t…” you breathed as you felt her grip tighten on you. “I swear I don’t know who she is! I’m just Y/n!”

“Well…”

But stylish lady couldn’t say much more as Fei appeared on the stairs.

“Y/n!” she yelled for you. “Leave her alone, you bitch!”

“That’s not a nice thing to say!” stylish lady let go of you. “I heard a rumor you couldn’t move” she whispered over you and instantly, you froze.

You couldn’t move, only watch as Fei approached her and her ravens started multiplying. Stylish lady saw this and her eyes widened.

“Actually, on second thought, screw this” she said, turning around and making a run for it.

You were left there by her, still unable to move.

“Y/n, I’ll deal with her and take care of you” Fei leaned down to you as she reached you. “I promise I’ll avenge this.”

You could only look forward as Fei left you once again. You could hear the commotion behind you as Fei’s ravens started destroying a door somewhere close to you. Not much later you actually heard the familiar swooshing sound of the boy teleporting and his frantic muttering.

Suddenly whatever spell was placed on you was broken and you fell forward.

“Oh God” you sighed out, grabbing at your elbow which you hit as you fell. You also saw the dried blood on the back of your hand where C/n scratched you. Poor kitten was probably scared out of his mind.

“Vanya, get out of there!” you suddenly heard the boy shout and you slowly stood up to peer over the railing, into the living room.

There lay the short woman on the broken table and the Sparrows slowly surrounded him. You saw her breathing hard and groaning, trying to get back up. Suddenly she started glowing white. You couldn’t make sense of it, but knew it couldn’t be any good.

“Ben, be careful!” you shouted just before she… exploded? Her energy exploded, which threw you back to the railing behind you.

It was over before you knew it and could hear the others groaning and getting up from the debris.

“Oh god…” you heard Chris garble. “What the hell was that?”

Marcus appeared in your vision and offered a hand.

“Are you okay?” he asked gently.

“Never better” you groaned, accepting his hand. He pulled you up and led you to the balcony, where he looked down at the destruction.

“It’s over” he started. “Go. Don’t come back.”

You could only focus on Ben, who stood in front of the fireplace, clutching his side. Marcus sighed next to you as him and the rest of the Sparrows watched the woman, Vanya, exit.

“Y/n” Marcus turned to you. “C’mon, I’ll take you to Grace, she’ll fix you up.”

You nodded silently, sparing another look at your husband and his family standing in the debris.

You sighed as you exited the bathroom. It’s been about an hour since you got stitched by Grace (when you hit the railing it split the skin on your head open) and then you went to take a shower to freshen up. Meanwhile though, your husband was nowhere to be found around you.

You could only guess that they got a dressing down from Marcus, blaming them for the destruction. So you headed to the only place where you knew they could be: the training room.

“Y/n!” you heard Grace’s voice call out as you headed toward the room. “Do you need a smoothie too?”

“No thanks, Grace” you smiled at the robot. “I’m fine. Is that for the guys?”

“Of course, they need their greens for their training” she said as she caught up with you.

You nodded silently and opened the door in front of you.

“The skinny one is their weak link” you heard Fei say as you entered.

“Unless hiding behind couches shouting, ‘Where’s my daddy?’ is his superpower” Ben replied sarcastically.

Grace put the tray down on the table and you leaned against the wall to watch your husband stop the treadmill and slow to a walk before getting off of it.

“Enough post-gaming. They hurt Y/n and disrespected us!” he said as he walked toward you. “We need to be out there finding these freaks and taking ‘em out!”

He reached you and put an arm around you, kissing your forehead gently, which contrasted so much from his harsh words.

“Oh, you mean like this?” Marcus asked and switched whatever video was playing to the surveillance footage of the last moment of the fight. The others sighed and stopped their treadmills as well. Marcus walked in front of them and shook his head. “Can someone explain to me how you got your asses handed to you in 30 seconds?”

You sighed, massaging Ben’s back as he stiffened at Marcus’s admonishments.

“Do you have any idea what would happen to our reputation if anyone had seen that?!” he yelled at the end, pointing to the TV screen. “I mean we hadn’t faced any decent enemies for years. This could be good for us. Good for business. But only if we’re smart with our next moves.”

“Is that all you care about?” you spoke up suddenly, annoyed to see that the version of him that only cared about missions and being famous came out.

“I’m sorry?” he turned toward you.

“Did you even try to think about what these people could be here for? That what they were saying is true?”

“Y/n…” Ben shushed you. “Don’t make things worse, darling.”

“I’m not trying to. But did you even notice their faces? When they were talking, when they looked at you?” you looked at him. “The way they fought? I mean tell me if their style doesn’t seem familiar…”

“Y/n, this discussion is not for you. Our next move is not for you to decide” Marcus spoke up sternly. “You are not a Sparrow. You are not part of the team.”

“Fine” you gritted your teeth, then pulled out of Ben’s arms and turned around, just as Reginald came in.

“Nice one dipshit” Ben snarled at Marcus.

“You summoned, Number One?” Reginald asked Marcus.

Marcus regarded Ben and you for a second, before looking at Reginald.

“Sit” he said and you walked out.

You leaned against the wall as the door closed behind you and took a deep breath. You thought about all that the Umbrellas said before the fight ensued. And one thing stuck out.

It looked like they recognised you. But not all of them. And they called you… someone. Some other name… what was it?

Oh yeah, Jennifer. But who was this Jennifer?

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Taglist: @divergentnewt23, @evie2407, @snixx2088, @inkedeye2345

[cross-word]

GOOD LUCK, BABE

after years Ethan still regrets what he did to you.

Word count: 1162

When I first started to date Ethan I knew he had a best friend Amanda that everyone thought he was dating. All of his ex’s used to warn me on social media but I was never the jealous type.

That was until I received a phone call from a random number in the middle of the night I answer to hear lewd noises, moaning and someone moaning a name “ah, fuck Ethan keep doing that” it took me forever for my eyes to adjust to the light difference but once I realized what was going on.

I realized I’ve seen that number before. On Ethan’s phone labeled as Amanda, my heart broke as I heard her moan his name over and over again “why do you have your phone out” I hear him say, grabbing the phone flipping so that the screen was facing him to see me watching “y/n..” before he can say anything else I hung up going back to sleep.

The next day I felt numb watching your boyfriend fuck his best friend that everyone warned you about is humbling. The whole day I could see Amanda smirking at me from the peripheral vision Ethan kept trying to talk to me. His excuses going into one ear and out, “that was not what you thought”, “that was the first time I ever did that”.

As the day went on Ethan finally did it, he cornered me enough to finally get me to talk to him “please baby” he pleaded “no.” I said in a dead voice “what?” He asked “I said no. You can’t fix this. I watched you fuck your best friend you can’t get back from that no amount of pleading can change that” I told him he stood there hurt. The audacity. “No, baby please I’ll do anything I’ll block her, I’ll get rid of her from my life please just don’t call it off I’m begging” he said.

“I hate you Ethan” I told him, pushing him out of my way. Ethan stood there watching my body as I walked away, as I grew distant from Ethan I heard him and Amanda argue.

That was 15 years ago, that experience taught me that love isn’t a guarantee of trust.

I stood there in the Walmart at almost 9pm picking up groceries for my mom. It was Christmas when I was visiting her when I heard a voice too familiar “y/n?” I turn to see Ethan. He looked older, not in a good way. It seemed like he suffered for those 15 years I didn’t see him.

“Oh, hi Ethan” it was awkward for sure two grown adults that used to have history just staring at each other like they were soul mates. “Ethan baby” I hear coming from behind him a woman I stood face to face with the two people who betrayed me 15 years ago.

“Oh. You're back in town..” Amanda said, staring at me eyes darting to Ethan who hasn’t spoken since we locked eyes, sensing tension rise I walk away. “WAIT” Ethan yelled I paused hoping he wasn’t about to say what I think he will. “Do you wanna come over to our house for dinner to catch up?” He asked. I turn to face him “no, I think it’s best if we don’t talk at all” I say leaving him and Amanda in the aisle.

“Are you okay honey?” My mom knocked me out of my daze. “yeah I’m fine” I smiled at her as petite came up next to me looking for food “I think I’m gonna sleep early mom” I said kissing her head walking back to my childhood room.

A loud ringing hit my ear in the middle of the night. I see my phone vibrating showing me a number, immediately seeing the number “ugh, what is it now” I pick up “is he with you?” Amanda asked in a panic.

“You’re joking right” I asked “no. I had a bad feeling and I woke up. I turn around and I see him gone. Please I’m begging is he with you” she sobs through the phone “listen I don’t care about Ethan or you anymore the faster you two leave me alone the better please stop calling me” I tell her hanging up.

I walk downstairs to grab a cup of water to see headlights flashing into the living room. I wondered who would be driving at this time of day but deep down I knew. I unlocked the door to see the car turn off and Ethan walk out.

Towards me. “Your wife is looking for you” I tell him bluntly “I’m sorry” he says completely falling to his knees melting all the snow on the porch.

“I woke up next to her and I realized I don’t want her, the only reason I stayed with her was because I felt bad for the way we ended,” he confessed with his head in his hands. “I don’t have anything going on for me y/n I’m considered to half of the people in this town as Amanda’s husband” he sobbed. “All I can think about after I saw you at Walmart was the way you talked to me the way you looked at me the way it seemed like with you my whole life was fulfilled” he stared at me tears rolling down his cheeks.

“And what do you want me to do about it?” I asked him, colder than the winter night. Do you want me to say I told you so? Cause if it gets you back to your crying wife I will” I said sternly.

“Ethan” I say crouching down to face level with him “were shoelaces attached together my love, but we were cut no matter how much you’d like to connect us together again it will never happen the tear and used shoelaces will never stay together that’s why you buy new ones” I breathed in “Ethan it’s time to move on, I moved on the second I got that call in the middle of the night, go home. Your wife thinks you're cheating on her” I tell him, walking back inside and locking the door.

As I walk down the aisles of grocery I pass a person “I’m sorry I slept with Ethan” Amanda told me as I pass her we both stopped but the difference is Amanda looked back and I didn’t “you and him need to get over that, I don’t care anymore you two are the only ones keeping that flame alive, maybe it’s your subconscious feeling bad but either way, work it between you two or breakup” I tell her walking away never to look back again.

I woke up in my New York apartment to a voicemail. I recognized it as Ethan’s number. “Amanda asked for a divorce, please answer me I want to be with you” I sighed as I blocked his number.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for lieing about my country of origin?

🇨🇦🥶 <- so I know it's me!

This is kinda stupid but a friend said it will start a bad habit of lieing, I'm taking advantage of the fact that because I'm white passing I don't get offensive immigrant questions and I just shouldn't have so let's see.

About a year ago I (24nb metis aka white and first nations canadian. Also native American but it's blurry. Its important later.) and my partner (24f white) went to walmart for groceries. I love the cold, have been raised in the cold temps of the Midwest my whole life and I have a autoimmune disorder which makes me much warmer than everyone else so despite it being 32° outside, I was in shorts and a t-shirt. My partner thinks I'm crazy and I have a bad habit of freezing her out but we compromise.

Obviously wearing a T-shirt and shorts when it's snowing outside gets some attention and this elderly white couple playfully asked how I wasn't frozen solid as some sweet small talk but I'm socially anxious and just blurted out that I was from Canada and this was nothing. They just laughed in surprise and nodded and went on. That was a lie and my partner playfully chided me for it. No, I'm not a Canadian immigrant and I was born in America but as you can see, my family has deep ties to Canada and my grandmother is a Canadian immigrant. Should I of lied? No but it was harmless, I panicked and I didnt want to explain a disorder or get too deep into conversation with strangers so I just said it and moved on. No harm done.

Flash forward to today where I, my partner and a mutual friend (23 ftm, white but reconnecting to his distant Cuban and carribean heritage. He identifies as "spicy white".) were talking in a group call about our families histories. One side of my friends family immigrated to America about 4+5 generations back from Cuba with the other from Scotland and Ireland and my partners family history is blurry but she knows they came from Scotland and Germany. My partner playfully brought up my lie from a year ago and the whole tone shifted. My friend got mad at me and brought up how his great great grandmother struggled in America because she wasn't white passing, she immigrated from a non-white country and people treated her horribly. I tried to bring up that both my grandmothers were natives and my immigrant grandmother also struggled with racism due to being first nations but he kept interrupting me saying that because I'm white passing and I picked Canada as a place I fake-immigrated from, I'm taking advantage of the fact that white old couple would treat me better than Mexican immigrants or middle Eastern immigrants.

Eventually the call ended and we side stepped the topic but tension is still present and I don't know how to feel now. Obviously I respect immigrants and i have a high amount of immigrant people in my family, not just Canadian/first nations but married in from Poland and Mexico. I know I shouldn't of lied but I feel like my friend is just being a bit chronically online right now and acting like I don't respect any immigrants. Ever since he started reconnecting, he's gotten more and more trigger happy with racist jokes, calling people racist for no reason and just all around... off. I totally get generational trauma and the pain of discovering your history around colonization and genocide but its getting weird. My partner says she didn't see the harm in my little, no pun intended, white lie but doesn't wanna be involved because she's white and this issue has some racist undertones. I don't know if this is just a symptom of his discovery surrounding himself and being in some very overly sensitive groups or I was truely being insensitive to even being passively racist towards other POC.

So, was I the asshole for lieing to some strangers that I'm from Canada just to not have to get too deep into why I wanna wear shorts in the snow like a weirdo?

What are these acronyms?

[magicrainbowkitties]

So yesterday my friends and I

- Were told the story of Steve the Walmart Electronics Guy, who was accosted by a MAGAt for not voting trump (Steve simply said his vote was between him and the box), and who called him a slur, to which Steve replied "Did I see you on Grindr earlier, you're kinda cute." The interaction went from there. I thanked Steve for his service to this country.

- Waited for the friend whose house we were going to to actually get home because traffic sucks so we went to this bar 2 streets away and just chilled there until we got the clear.

- Saw Shrek bc I had never seen it all the way through. Before I had always been made to experience it in chunks.

- Watched all available episodes of Dandadan. Pretty good, I was nerding out over the writing and gorgeous artwork the whole time.

- Chased our host's escape artist dog to another yard when she stopped running only to take a piss and ran back inside the house after the thunder started rumbling in the distance.

- Got caught in the torrential rain on a road with no streetlights and no clear markers. One of us had an essay due at 11:59. The driver couldn't see, and was searching desperately for a port in the storm. We saw the yellow neon glow of the Waffle House. And so the prophecy I had foretold earlier that day came true: "You don't go to Waffle House, you wind up at Waffle House."

- The essay friend is Australian and had/has never been to Waffle House, Rudy's, or Denny's despite living in Texas for a little over 8 years. We had intended to rectify the Waffle House thing at a later date. Evidently the gods had other plans.

- Scared the hell outta poor Kevin the Waffle House Guy because we got a text from...

- The friend whose house we left that he was DRIVING IN THE TORRENT TO MEET US AT WAFFLE HOUSE. Even after I called him to say "You better stay your ass inside." With the WINDOW DOWN blasting a metal song called Storm from some band I don't know (I'm sorry). He's type 1 diabetic and therefore could not eat at Waffle House.

- Made great progress in developing CAIN characters while sitting around and eating chocolate chip waffles.

My roommate (driver) and I didn't get home until after midnight. Fuck what a day. Truly no better day to watch something like Dandadan.

And now I've got an Astronomy test on fuckin election night. Fuck.

Edit: I shouldn't have done any of that because I have an entire annotated bibliography that I was supposed to turn in last night that I thought was due today not last night. Fuck.

[aphroditesmoon]

halloween

jacaerys velaryon x reader (modern!au)

inspired by Halloween by Phoebe Bridgers.

summary: He is only himself when he's with you.

warnings: mentions of death, grief. a little sad here n there but fluff ending dw.

°°°

This was going to be the first Halloween celebration Jace would have without his brother.

The idea of dressing up and pretending like everything was fine nauseated him. Nothing was fine, not without Luc. But then he remembers how much his brother had adored his celebration, always begging him to dress up in matching duo characters, attempting to get extra candies from the neighbours and visiting haunted houses. Maybe he could honor his brother by trying to enjoy this night.

You had insisted to do a couples costumes, and that had excited him if he was honest, you agreed to go for something easy and went as Emily and Victor from the corpse bride.

It was an easy costume, all he needed was a suit and powder to make him look pale. The dark circles in his eyes was already helpful in making him look like a ghost so that's one good thing.

"Mom, I'm leaving now!" He yelled from the front door and grabs his car keys from the keyholder.

"Alright, be careful driving, some of the children wear dark clothing's, you can't see them!" He hears his mother yells back from the kitchen. "Alright"

The drive to your house was short and he was grateful they'd fixed the streetlights, hitting a child dressed as a skeleton wouldn't be an ideal Halloween night.

Leaving his car engine on as he parks right in front of your porch, he leaves his car to ring your doorbell.

He smiles to himself as he hears your muffled voice from inside telling your parents that he's here.

the sound of you shuffled footsteps grew closer.

As the door opens, his grin widens and he beams at the sight of you.

You had painted yourself a pale blue, dressed in a cheap wedding dress costume you'd gotten from Walmart and a flower veil.

You reciprocate his big smile as he moves to embrace you and kisses the top of your head.

You laugh as he accidentally pushes your veil off while trying to hug you.

"Let's go hm? our friends are probably already there." He takes your hand and leads you to his car, making sure to open your door for you and only going to his side after you enter yours.

The drive to Aegon's house was filled with the sound of your Halloween playlist music and lots of talking as you both gossip over your classmates drama.

It was refreshing for him to talk about something other than his grief, it seemed like everyone else arounds him was so adamant on reopening his wounds everytime he felt ready to close it. He was glad you knew better not to do so.

As you reach to open the car door when you arrive he immediately slaps your hand lightly before running out of his seat to open your door for you.

"My lady" he jokes, giving his hand for you to reach as you rise out from your seat.

You pinch his cheeks teasingly before kissing it. "You're so dramatic Jace." You joke, as your hands link with his.

"I'm a gentleman is what I am", he scoffs playfully walking in the house with you.

The music can be heard houses away, you wonder if any talking can be done with how loud it was in the party.

Your question was answered as you see Helaena rushing towards you both, mouthing something you can't hear as she engulf you and Jace in a group hug.

You spot Aemond and his brother playing poker and waves at them before yelling in Jace's ear that you're going to get yourself and him a punch.

He nods in understandingly before walking towards the poker table to his cousins.

"God, it's much more quieter here huh? I can finally hear myself talk" He breaths out as the two brothers chuckle before hugging him.

"Yeah well, we're not standing anywhere near the speakers so we'll be good here I think." Aegon speaks before winning againts Aemond. "You cheated! There's no way you've won, you never win." Aemond's tantrum has the other two boys laughing and having a roll in making fun of the uptight boy.

"See, I make sure to wait until you're, distracted to catch you off guard, you're just not used to smart players hm." Aemond curses at Aegon before walking away to refill his drink as his brother taunts him between laughter.

"So, how's the family?" Aegon asks, moving to sit down on the couch, joining in Jace.

"Oh, you know, they're, fine." He replies unconvincingly with a tight smile.

Aegon's own smile dropped as his expression slowly turned serious.

He takes Jace's hand in his and squeezes it as he looks at him with a concerned frown.

"I'm sorry by the way, with what happened, with Luc." Hearing his name made Jace's heart drop. Everyone absolutely refused to say it in the house, meanwhile everyone outside almost purposely refuse to stop saying it.

"He went too young, yeah? If you ever need to talk, or I don't know, take a smoke together, just give me a call.". Aegon offers with a sympathetic smile as he releases his hand and squeezes his shoulder instead.

Jace gives him a grateful smile and thanks him before getting up. "I think I'm gonna go look for my girl, she's supposed to get a drink for us a while ago."

"Oh she's probably with my sister's you know their inseparable once they meet." Jace agrees with a short laugh as they fist bump before he walks off to search for you.

True to Aegon's words, he spots you dancing with Helaena, laughing and failing trying not to step on your dress. The two of you had your hands holding eachother's as you do little jumps and you twirl Helaena in her butterfly costume around.

He stifle a laugh as he finds aemond near the both of you, hands full, holding your drinks and glaring every single person who dares look at either of you, like your personal bodyguard.

You slow down the spinning when you see him staring at you and excuse yourself at Helaena before reaching for your drink from Aemond and kissing his cheek as a thank you.

You grin widely as you.fikd yourself in his arms, looking up at him. "Hello there.", You scrunch your nose up at him.

He kisses the button of your nose before whispering ; "hello my bride."

Your eyes widen as realization hits you, "oh, I forgot to get your drink!" He just shakes his head and waves it off telling you it's fine and that he's not in the mood anyways.

Your eyes glowed as you pull him to the center to dance.

And he obliges, because how can he ever say no to you? He would do anything to see you smile, to keep you by his side.

As the songs become less upbeat, the two of you settle with swaying by the side away from most people, your head on his chest and his arms wrapped around you. He feels suffocated by strong s if alcohol and loud Doja Cat music, but as he rest his chin on your head and inhales your scent, grounding himself with you as he closes his eyes, his heart slowly calms down.

You were oblivious to his tense mind at first, but when you feel him holding you too tight, you lift your head and up and find him with tears welling up in his eyes.

He takes a deep breath as if to explain himself, but no words come out.

You don't push him though, you never do. You stand up on your tiptoes and kiss away his tears, holding his face in your palms and lastly, closing your mouth with his.

The gentleness of the kiss made the tears stream faster, you let him pull away to hide his have in your hair as you continue to embrace him.

"You wanna get out of here?" You ask, knowing he'll hate it if anyone saw him crying.

He nods softly and you brush off his tears one last time before taking his hand and quietly leaving through the door you entered from. Your cousins would understand.

He looks confused when you got into the driver's seat but says nothing as he lets you drive yourselves to a McDonald's parking lot.

He releases a heavy sigh and leans at his seat as you squeeze his hand and kisses it.

"Are you alright Jace?" Your question brought him back to reality as his eyes snaps open. He looks at you with tired eyes, mustering himself a small smile and gently nodding.

"I am now. Thank you my love."

You reply with a shake of your head and climbed on his lap, pulling has face in your arms and leaving kisses all over it as he closes his eyes.

The last kiss, on his nose making him smile, before leaning your forehead together.

You laugh at how big his eyes looked like from your view and he only smiles wider, silently thanking god that at least he still has you.

[xysidhequeen]

Today I lost a dear member of my family, Rune. Rune was rushed to a vet today. Shortly after reaching the vet she had a seizure and her heart stopped, and could not be restarted.

Rune was 6 years old. My husband found her while working at Walmart. She was hiding under a pallet. He carefully coaxed her out and then kept her in the manager office in a box(with food and water!), which she broke out of. He then took her home in another box, which she broke out of again. We welcomed Rune happily into our lives and hearts. When we first got her we couldn't even tell her gender, so we decided on the name Rune. (She was obviously, now, a girl. She just had too much fluff)

Rune was a menace to society, my mental health and most especially our other cats. She loved to bully them if given a chance, and she'd scream for food if you stepped a single foot in the kitchen. She was the least graceful cat I've ever met in my life, and had maybe one singular braincell.

But she also loved being brushed so much she'd drool, loved feet, and would let you pick her up whenever you wanted and immediately begin purring. She didn't care if you cried in her fur, and would just keep purring and letting you cuddle her until you were done. She loved to cuddle, and would always find her way into someone's lap. She liked to cuddle with my friend Mavis when they went to bed, and watch videos with them. Even if you upset Rune, she'd never hurt you, her bites were the gentlest things I'd ever felt. Rune couldn't stand to hurt anyone, and even when she was at the vet, sick and probably in pain I'll never know, she never once tried to bite any of the vets or techs.

Rune had so much love to give(as long as you were human) and she would accept all of it back. She was a sweet thing, and I loved her so so very much. I watched her grow up, and she purred me through many a mental breakdown.

I have so many videos and photos of her, from every stage of her life. And the fact that I will never have any new videos of her antics, of her sweetness, has killed something inside of me. I'd trade so much to just get one last chance to cuddle her and hear her purr for me.

I wanted to share this, because Rune was my darling and I want everyone who possibly can to see her, and to know her and to mourn that she's gone now. She deserves to be loved, because that's all she ever wanted. There was no such thing as too much love to her.

So please, send her your love. She deserves all of it, even if she's no longer around to enjoy it.

[saveme-storybrooke-potc]

Why I don't like "Wednesday" the new Netflix series

Now, I was really hoping to not have anything negative to say about the new Wednesday series because I absolutely love The Addams Family and I love Tim Burton (bonus points if the music is by Danny Elfman which 98% of the time it is) but there were many problems I had with the series and I'm just going to talk about why.

1: They ruined Wednesday's relationship with her mother

I don't know about in the comics but in the original show, and the two movies (we do NOT count the abomination of those animated movies that came out recently) but Wednesday was always close with her mother, they complimented each other, and she looked up to Morticia and wanted to be like her. BUT FOR SOME REASON in the show Wednesday all of a sudden, hates (or at least it's shown that way) Morticia and says things like "I am nothing like you" "I don't want to be like you" even down to not having a romantic side like her mother using the same nicknames (like in the movie with the nerd) and I get that she's a teenager, but like that was a big part of her character imo.

2: The parents are godawfully annoying

They probably did this for the very reason that the show is called Wednesday and it's probably trying to get us to see through Wednesday's p.o.v so she'd find them annoying but like, their love being so sweet and genuine was one of the best parts in the show that was more for the older kids and adults to enjoy, and Wednesday ONLY SHOWED THAT IN THEIR FLASHBACK.

3: The show took away what The Addams were all about

The Addams were like outcasts to the "Normies" as the show likes to call them. And having Wednesday go to a school where she "fits in" because she really wasn't and outcast to the outcasts no matter what the show tries to trick you, but if she went to a "Normies" school instead of being expelled like in the first episode she could have been the Wednesday that the real Addams Family fans know and love.

4: The didn't even add one of the best characters from the movies

Joel (if I am getting that right) was such a cute addition to the movie, the dynamic that he had with Wednesday because they were such opposites were the highlights to the movie. He was a nerdy kid that liked to be alone, and she just liked to be alone. But I was pretty disappointed that they didn't choose to add him in and instead had the Coffee shop boy and Painter as love interests (I'm not going to include Wolfgirl since she isn't cannon to liking Wednesday, and she's too fucking annoying for me to handle)

5: Our classic Wednesday & Pugsley duo

I mean like how could you separate these two? and IK that Wolfgirl could be a (possible) substitute for the absence of Pugsley, but it is very disappointing to not see the duo back at it creeping out other kids and even plotting things against their friends/family but that was definitely a lose

6: They really shouldn't have had Wednesday go to a Walmart version of Monster High

One of the things that made The Addams Family THE ADDAMS FAMILY was the fact that they were just a family, like others but they were just different. Which is why the lyrics were

"They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're all together ooky The Addams family

Their house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a screaming The Addams family"

And I KNOW that this is just a different adaptation but how can you call it The Addams Family when you basically have her like EVERY OTHER CHARACTER SHE INTERACTS WITH. it just ruined that part, and she should have never been expelled for that piranha incident.

7: I'm not completely on board with the supernatural aspects

Actually, for this one I'm not really talking about her visions (don't get me wrong that whole aspect was definitely weird at first but I'm talking about Wolfgirl, Siren, Duce, Telekinesis boy, and maybe even painter boy (who I'm pretty sure is just like the nerd but anyways). Because The Addams WEREN'T ABOUT THAT they were about creeping other people out and I get that they had other friends like cousin IT and the kid WHAT but those were just tiny aspects, and they were rarely part of the movies and mostly there for parties. It just makes no sense for there to be a bunch of outcasts for THE ADDAMS FAMILY

Aside from those major things the more problems I have are with the other characters that she interacts with, mostly Wolfgirl that one really annoyed me Siren was more of a disagreement Wednesday had at the beginning but then got along with afterwards and she was pretty interesting.

I didn't entirely like the whole Monster Killer reveal, and how predictable it was or that whole grooming scenario but that whole storyline was more for the plot than anything.

but there are things I did like about the show:

Walmart Duce and Wolfgirls relationship (weather romance or not the puppy love is cute)

I like when they make Wednesday, Wednesday like how she enjoys digging up graves, or doesn't cry, or show affection

I did like the Coffee Shop kid and honestly, I think he needs help from Wednesday. He was after all groomed by that teacher (when I tell you I gaged watched that scene, I mean it) and she did use his mother against him and controlled him until he gave in which is really sad and I want Wednesday to help him

I did like painterboy too, he became pretty stiff afterwards but if they give him more development that'll be nice to see him interact with Wednesday (she seems to care for him at some extent to jump infront of the arrow for him)

I like Siren girl and the Mayors son, I want to see more interactions from them

THAT MORTICIA AND GOMEZ FLASHBACK IS EVERYTHING TO ME IK THAT WHOLE STORY WAS SO FREAKING PREDICTABLE BUT DAMN THE FACT THAT HE GOT ARRESTED FOR HER MADE MY HEART SKIP A BEAT

I did like the sheriff, IK he was an asshole to the Addams at first, but I liked when they finally made amends

Coffee shop kid and Wednesday's first date was pretty cute, but it would be 1000000000000x better with summercamp nerd

[deeseelovez]

date*

pandora lovegood x roommate! reader 

summary: y/n and Pandora were roommates. y/n had always had a secret crush on the blonde. 

got this from yet another pornhub video

warnings: grinding, pussylicking, scissoring, facesitting, 69ing, just basically lesbain things. 

~~~~~

Pandora was looking at herself in the mirror, she had a red dress on with the v-neck low.

“Y/n?” She calls me, I walk in her bedroom only wearing a very low-cut top and boxers. 

“Yeah?” I ask

“As a friend, I need your option on something. I’m supposed to be going on this date tonight with this new guy and I can’t decide what to wear.” 

“Okay, where is the date at?” 

“A fancy restaurant.” Pandora smiles and I could feel her heart swell. It always had be the straight girls for me doesn’t it? 

“I have this dress.” She does a small spin, I walk into the room and sit on the bed, “But I also have this dress.”  Pandora lifts up a deep blue dress. 

“Show it to me,” I smile, and Pandora blushes as pulls the dress over head, and she is standing there in a blush pink thong and a lacy white bra. 

I honestly think Pandora was the most beautiful creature she had ever seen. 

“Y/n, you’re staring.” 

“Oh, fuck, sorry.” I cover my face. 

“No, it’s okay.” Pandora giggles, reaching down moving my hands from my face. my eyes looking into her deep ones.

“It’s kind of flattering,” Pandora says. 

“Dora, I think you’re probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” I admit standing up. 

“Really?” She asks me and i mod avoiding her eyes. 

“Anyway, I got to go, ya know-” I starts to turn away but Pandora grabs my  arm and pulls me towards her. Pandora’s eyes searching in mine, my hand goes to her face and I close my eyes leaning forward and our lips touching so gently. 

“Y/n-” She says after a short kiss. 

“I know, I know.” I say, “I’m sorry-” 

“No, no. It’s not that, I just-” She moves the hair from my face, pushing it behind my ear, “I’ve never felt this way about a women before but,” She looks into my eyes and moves in closer, her hand gripping onto my hip and she turns her head to kiss me. 

I pull her hair behind her ear, her hand moves behind me, and the other one comes to my face.  

We move away, our foreheads going together, “I’ve liked you for about a year,” I giggled. 

“Really?” She asks moving away. 

‘Yes,” Dora moves my hands to her hips now and moves in closer. I wrap my arms around her and she kisses me, her tongue swiping on my lower lip and I open my mouth. 

“Me too,” Dora says before moving her mouth closer to mine again, and I open my mouth for her tongue again.

Our tongues moving together, my hand goes down to her butt and grip it ever so lightly which caused her to moan in my mouth, “Music to my ears.” I say to her and she giggles. 

“Come here,” Pandora says, cupping my face and kissing my lips, “I want you to fuck me,” Pandora whispers. 

“Are you sure?” I ask. 

“Shut up and kiss me.” She says, and I move us to the bed, she’s laying on top of the red dress she had just modeled for me. This felt like a dream truely, I could feel the warmth of her body heat all over me. 

My hands went to the back of her bra, trying to get off her but I soon realize that it was bralattee it would have to go over her head, “Tear it off me, who cares. It was 20 bucks from walmart.” I look at her with an eyebrow raised, but I just shrug going to the straps and pulling them moving the fabric off her body and throwing the ruined the piece of fabric out of the way. Her pale hardened nipples connecting with thin t-shirt covered mine and I wanted my mouth on them, it was a drooling thought. 

I moved away from the open mouth and toung filled kisses which she frowned at me, but I licked in the middle of her chest and then along her boob till I got to her nipple, taking it into my mouth and sucking on it. 

I swirled the warm bud in my mouth, and taking the other in my fingers twisting it, I sucked harshly the one in my mouth, and I earned a moan. 

“My nipples are so senstive,” She moaned at me. 

“They are so beautiful, you are so fucking-” I said before shoving my mouth on the other tit, I couldn’t get enough of her, couldn’t get enough of the way her skin melted into my mouth, the way she was giggling and moaning into me, her hands in the roots of my hair, and the way I could see the excitment turning into a patch in her panties. 

All of it was so intoxcating, I was addicted and I needed to get this fix started, I wanted deserpabtly to just lick her pussy, to taste what she was like, I bets it’s going to be the sweetest thing I ever did try, but I couldn’t yet, had to get warmed up first. 

I kept going on her tits until she yanked on my face pulling me into a kiss, swirling our tounges around, my legs on either side of her hips, I held her down practically, her hands were on my jean covered ass, she tried to grip but she frowned. 

“Why are you covered up, it’s not fair.” She frowned and I laughed getting up, quickly unbuttoning my jeans and throwing my shirt somewhere else in the room, Pandora sat up and started to hook my bra for me. 

“You’re beautiful,” She says looking up into my eyes for a mintue I saw stars floating over her head, but I just move in, moving the blond hair from her face and kissing her again, startign the passinoate make out session from early, this time, her hand actualy gripp my ass. 

They were like silk running down me, “Can I lick your nipples?” she asked not looking me in the eyes but I lifted her chin. 

“Yes,” was all the words I said and she looked at me almost scared as she went in. 

“You can’t do it wrong, love.” I say, and wrapped her mouth around it and sucking at it like I did to her, and I moaned for her, letting her know it was good, and then bite just a small amount, and I really moaned for her. 

“Fuck, Dora.” I say and she laughed she her hand that wasn’t playing with my thong was now twisting my nipple, and she sucked harder and more. 

“that’s it,” I said, “good job,” I say as she leans back looking up at me, and I moved her down again, siting on top of her, and that’s when I worked downwards, I kissed her lips and worked down to her nipples agian pressing small amount of kisses to it, and spitting on the nipples as I went down, opening my mouth fully and sucking on the nipples of them as I brought them together. 

“God,” Pandora says, and I went down more licking and then going in between her legs. 

I move my hand to the front part of the panties moving them down a little and looking down at her, “Can I play with this?” I ask her, I could see the wetness all over her panties, I could pratically see the second heatbeat she had going. 

“touch me there, please.” She pleads nodding, and I smirked, through her underwear I found her clit and pinched it with the my thumb, “God fucking-” She says loudly, her legs starting to quiver againest mine, and I smile. 

I run my hand over her pussy, and I spread her legs apart more, only to go back to pinching her clit, the stain in her panties is getting bigger. 

“Be nice to me, please?” She begs and I start to move my thumb, playing with her clit through her underwear agian, this time moving it in a circlar motion which makes her moan. 

I sighed needing to taste her, needing to feel her pussy tighten around my fingers. I yank her tong down harshly and threw them somewhere else in the room. 

I go down, and look up at her and she nods at me, and I put my toung to her pussy, licking it, and then moving to suck on it, which earns moans of my name from her and now I could feel the wetness growing in my panties. 

“You look so gorgoes from down there,” Pandora moans at me and winks and I smile. 

“You taste as good as you look, doll.” I saw, dipping my tounge inside of her, and tasting her for the first time, I was hooked. I was a fish being dragged from the ocean but I think I like my new home. 

I could stay here in between her legs, sucking on her vagaina, making her cum again and agian for the rest of my day. Living on her cum, living on her, and I keep going, eventually adding fingers in, and spitting on her clit, feeling the strech of her pussy, watching her unfold, hearing the moans I was caushing was enough to make me nearly finish. 

“Aw, fuck, Y/n that’s it. I love it, I love it, I love your fucking tounge, your fingers, please make me cum.” 

“Cum for me. Please, I want to taste your cum baby.” I say to her, putting my face back inside of pussy licking her walls, and that’s when it happened, she came, with a moan and a small squich of my name, she unfolded letting it all come to me. 

She sat up grabbing me towards her, “Thank you,” She says to me wrappign me in kiss, her legs throwen around hips dragging me down, my clit dragged againest her vagina and I moan softly as we kiss. 

She can taste herself on me, but shse kept kissing me, “I taste good,” She whispers. 

“Yes, you do.” She says, “Let me suck them tits, please.” I move upwards some more letting my tits dangle over her face, and sucks the buds and slaps my ass with her hand. 

“Is that too much?” 

“Do whatever you want me with me baby. I am yours.” I said. and that’s when she took my nipples her mouth, biting gently on them sucking on them, her hand connecting with my ass jolting me upwards, my clit moving againest the fabric of my thong still and moving against the heat of her vagina, I could my orgasm moving aorund in my stomach, hearing her pretty moans still from below, feeling her still shaking from the one she just had. 

She looked at me with those pretty eyes, as she sucked me some more, her finger holding my tits up now, just opening her mouth, ot lick them, and I move the all over her open mouth. 

“I love your fucking tits.” She says, and that’s when I start to grin my pussy on hers, that’s when the tension became to much. 

“It feels too good, I’m going to cum.” I say, moving againes ther pussy, grinding on her, moving to where she would feel the fabric, so she could feel the way I was. 

“Fucking damn, grind harder.” I did, i move my hips harsher againest hers and I could feel the orgasm coming soon but first she moves her hands down. 

“I want tot taste you.” She says, “i want to eat your pussy.” 

“don’t have to tell me twice.” I say moving to lay down for her to have easier access to my pusy, I take off my panties, and spread my legs for her, and she did the same thing I did, she laid between them but she looked unsure. 

“It’s okay, if you-” 

“I do want too,” She insited and she put her index finger in my hole, her thumb going to my clit and the feeling of the orgasm was still there I was grasping it in my hands. 

She then put her mouth on my clit like I did to hers, she swirled with her tounge like you and then sucked harshly and that made me moan, harshly and loud, and then her fingers started to move in and out, she moved them quickly using her tounge inside the hole, she slurrped, I heard her, and lapped it up, I could see my juices on her chin as she went back to my clit, and putting her fingrs back inside of my pussy. 

“Suck a pretty pussy.” She tells me and I smile with a shrug. 

“are you close?” She asks and I nodd. 

“Just keep going baby you’re doing really good.” I saw and she did as I said, she sucked again on my clit and moved her fingers adding a third one, and the stretch felt good, and I was on the break, my fingertips grased her hair, loving moving it, and I moanded, feeling my pussying clench around her fingers and came feeling it, the delsious feeling that Pandora came from and now she moved up, laying on my body kissing me, letting me taste myself. I didn’t taste as good as she did. 

We kissed again, her tounge invading my mouth and mine doing the same to hers. her body rubbing againtest mine, her pussy againest mine, I moaned. 

“God, fuck.” I say, rolling my hips towards her as she moved againest mine again. 

“Want to go again?” She asked with a smile, and I nodd. 

“Baby, I could live between your legs.” I saw, and she didn’t move, she stayed there, moving her hips with mine, my hands went to her ass squeezing her cheeks, as we grinded togehter, my hands to her hips moving them in a better motion. 

“Oh my god, fuck.” Panodra says. “you feel so good aganest my body.” I slapped her ass again, moing her closing to me, gripping her, we kiss again, our lips together as our pussies moving together. 

“Here,” I say, moving her body, and I moved off the pilliows putting two on either side of me. 

“Sit on me face.” 

“No, I could-” 

“Sit on my face, please.” 

“But I want you to cum too.” She says. 

“Okay turn ass to me, and she did as I said, now you can fuck me while I lick yours.” 

“Perfect,” She says, and she leans over, giving me the pefect view of her ass and pussy, I moved my head to lick from asshole to clit, I started to suck, kiss, pinch, rubb, and anything else to her while she put pressure on my clit, and started to suck me dry. 

The orgasm came quickly this time but not without some work, I slipped my fingers inside of her, moving them slowly for her, and she did the same to. me. We both go slow to tease the other. 

“I’m not cumming first.” 

“I bet you will.” I say, moving my fingers quickly now putitng my mouth back on her clit sucking harshly and licking all around her thighs. 

“Y/n, that’s right there. Please, don’t stop.” She says in between suckign my own and I start to moan her name as wel. 

We cum together at the end and Pandora moves quickly to me kissing me agian. 

“You better cancel that fucking date.” 

[eternal-nyx]

I started HRT!

Whew been a minute since I updated hunh? Well, it's been busy! I got approved to start testosterone HRT on September 25th, 2023.

I was surprised. I live in a bible belt, conservative, state and town. The trans health care here is.....the best word I have is mental whiplash. I started with a PCP at Medical Group A. He said he wasn't qualified for tran's or gender care and that no one in practice A was. He then said that there are rotating residents who DO the gender care and he put me on a wait list with them. I finally got to the appointment after a couple months and it was so easy. They used my chosen name and pronouns. They were respectful. Almost too respectful They tap danced around terminology to try to avoid offending me. It was......strange? Surreal? Twilight Zone? The Matrix? Either way. It felt very formal and professional and I do very much like the resident. It was just a very surreal experience.

But she was satisfied with our appointment and sent out the prescription the same day. She even tried to work with me when I voiced a desire to avoid injections if possible, but that I would take them if no other option existed. She tried hard to make the gel work, but in the end we went with the injections.

Then the next stage of trouble began. My normal pharmacy was out of the medication. It's a controlled substance in my state. So I called walmart pharmacy, but they were out of stock too. So was CVS, but at least they offered to order it if I filed it with them. I called a few other local pharmacies and FINALLY found one with the medication in stock. But everyone was closing so I had to wait until the next day to do the transfer.

I wake up the next morning and call to make the transfer, but because its a controlled substance, and I hadn't filled it before, they couldn't transfer it. My doctor would have to send it to the new pharmacy. So I made those phone calls and got that all set up. The next day it's FINALLY ready for pick up but my insurance won't cover it at this pharmacy. They run it on a discount card and get the price down to approx. $40 USD.

As a low income family we panicked briefly about how to afford the medication. We ended up having to charge it to our credit card. But we got it!

And on 9/27/2023 at noon I did my first self injection of Testosterone!

Day 1: No noticeable changes.

Day 2 9/28/2023 @8pm When I find alone time and find myself aroused, I have a daily habit to get into me and my fiance's shared toy box and do my thing. Well I did my normal thing today, and I noticed I could FEEL things with my fingers. So I did a LIL inspection and it was bigger. Not by a lot but I KNOW my anatomy, and my AFAB parts are heavily hooded and usually don't extend past the hood even when aroused. Today was different, and that is ALL I will say to anyone about my genitals. Then when all was done it was less plump, but still slightly larger than I am used to. I HAD MY FIRST ERECTION! And not only that, but I have growth!!!!!! On day fucking 2!!!! I'm gonna cry.

Also….It's itchy. And I seem to be unable to stop being aroused. Whoops.

--------------

I hope to do weekly check in's on my social media like tiktok and all of my blogs. The journey continues. Stay queer my friends.

Nyx [They/He/She]

[scout18]

Hello my dears! 🧸💕 Today I’m gonna show you some pictures of what I did yesterday and today!! Let’s get started! (Tw: picture/mention of bugs)

✌︎('ω')✌︎☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆✌︎('ω')✌︎

So yesterday was one of my good friend’s birthdays, so I went over to her house with some other friends to celebrate!! She really liked the gifts I got her too!!🎁🦖🦕🩵

Her mama cooked a VERY yummy dinner, pork belly, mixed vegetables, mashed potatoes, lobster biscuits, tomato and mozzarella, and more! It was so so yummy, I ate everything on my plate! 🥒🥦🍞🍖

And then we had cake after and we sang happy birthday!!!! 🎂✨☀️ Her mama made that one too, and it was SO super duper yummy!! It was an orange creamsicle ice cream cake!

After that, we kinda just sat and relaxed for a while on her bed! I got suuuuper comfy and kinda small, so I colored in my dinosaur coloring book!!! Do you like the pictures? Hehe, I thought that triceratops was a rhino, how silly! 🦖🦕🎈💕⭐️

Now, for today, I didn’t do nearly as much, buuuut I did end up going to Walmart, with, guess who?? GROVER!!!!

Today is Grover’s birthday!!! October 14th, Happy birthday Grover!!! Two birthdays in a row, how exciting! 💙⭐️ He’s one of my favorite Sesame Street characters ever!

Here’s him and I in the care on our way to Walmart together!! 🚗 💨💨⭐️

We saw flowers outside, and there was a pretty bee on one of them!!! 🐝💕 I love bees!

While I was there, I got some stuff for myself and Grover! Look at how cute! 🍭🍼🌈🌷

And then I wrote about it in my journal when I got home!! 🖍️📝📚🩵

And that’s about it! To anyone who stopped to read my blog, thank you so so so much! I appreciate every single one of you, and I hope you have a great today/night! 🫂🧸🌈🍼💕

SFW INTERACTION ONLY!!!!

[dtiny]

LIVING WITH A SMALL PENIS

I grew up in a small community. I had one brother and two sisters. My first humiliating experience and realization of having a small penis was when I was 13 years old. I was in 7th grade. One of my classes was physical fitness. Because 7th grade was puberty age level we were required to shower after class. The problem was it was an open room with 10 to 15 shower heads. Which meant for the first time in my life I had to shower with other boys. The first day I had to shower I was surprised that all the other boys penis’s were much bigger than mine. They also already had pubic hair growing on their body. I had no pubic hair and a much smaller penis. Some of the other boys were whispering and laughing as they looked at me. I was so embarrassed and humiliated that I hated that class the rest of the School year. So that was the first time I realized I had a small penis. The second experience I had was about a year later. My parents were having one of their many arguments. They were both saying very hurtful things to each other. I heard my father say to her “You never want to have sex with me”. She then replied back to him “ Well its because your dick is so small I cant feel it thats why I don't like having sex with you” So that stuck in my mind from that time on. I thought that is probably why my penis was so small was because I am my father's son. So I to must have inherited his small endowment

So after I grew up and finished High School I joined the Army. I also had the same experience in the Army that I had in 7th grade. There were know private showers. So again I had to suffer the humiliation of being the guy with the small penis, especially when it came to the black guys. So while I was stationed in South Korea. I met a Korean girl while I was there and ended up asking her to marry me. We got an apartment off base and started to live together. Well one day after I got off duty I went back to our apartment. When I got there she wasn't there. I was so worried because she didn't come home for three days. She hadn't told me anything beforehand. So when she finally came back I was very upset that she hadn't told me where she was going. Well come to find out she was afraid to tell me that my penis was to small. So she had some kind of surgery that made her pussy tighter. So I was shocked but I got over it. Eventually my tour of duty was over in Korea and we went back to the U.S. I also got out of the Army and we went back to my hometown. A year later she gave birth to our first daughter. Well after giving birth her pussy lost the tightness. So when I was in her I felt it was like throwing a tiny hot dog down a hallway. One night we were watching tv in bed. I asked her if she had ever had sex with a black man before. She said “ No, but she had always been curious about it” She told me one of her Korean girlfriends in Korea had told her that she had sex with a black man before. She said her friend told her the sex was so good because their penis’s were so big and they could fuck a long time before cuming. So I figured she was interested in black men. So to test this I rented a porn video with hung black men having sex with an Asian woman. After we were done watching it I reached down and felt her pussy. She was so hot and wet. I made sure to lick her to orgasm that night because I knew my little shrimp dick was going to give her an orgasm. So I became very skilled at licking pussy.

About a year later she got a part time job at a local Walmart. She worked evening from 5pm until 11pm. I never knew what time she would get home after her work. I had to get up early to go to work. So I would go to bed early. She always slept in one of the kids room as not to bother me when she got home from work. I didn't know that she met a young 20 year old black man at her work. After work they would sit in his car and talk. Which eventually led her to sucking him off in his car. Which eventually led to her going back to his apartment where they were having sex before she would come home. Well I noticed she didn't want sex with me much around that time. So I began to have my suspicions that she was cheating on me. Ao one night when she wasn't working I asked her to be honest with me. I told her know matter what she told me I wouldn't get mad. So I flat out ask her if she was cheating on me with someone. She reluctantly told me yes, she had met a young black man. She told me she didn't have feelings for him, but she did enjoy the sex with him. She told me she couldn't enjoy sex with me because my penis was much to small. So I had a decision to make, what to do about this whole situation. So my solution was to allow her to cuckold me. I told her that she could cuckold me as long as from that time on I be allowed to meet the guy and that she wouldn't meet him without my knowledge. So she ended up quitting her job at Walmart and didn't meet her Walmart lover anymore. The next guy she met was also black and an ex-boyfriend of my younger sister. His name was Tony and apparently hung like a horse. In fact the first night she had sex with him she came back bloody and full if his sperm. He was so huge that he actually tore her open even more. That is why her pussy was bloody mixed with his cum. She was worried she was going to be pregnant because it was near her ovulation time. luckily she was not pregnant with his baby. He was her lover for over a year. She had 10 different black bulls over our 18 year marriage. One of her bulls was a co-worker of mine. So eventually some of my other co-workers new he was fucking my wife and that she had cuckold me. One of her black bulls got her into sissifying me. He was over 10 inches long and after he had filled her pussy with his sperm. Him and her would make me lick his cum out of her and then thank him for allowing me to eat his sperm out of her. I believe if they had chastity devices then. They would of had me wearing a chastity device with him holding the key to the lock. Well her last bull was the reason for our divorce. She broke the rule I told her not to break, which was meeting him without my knowledge. I guess maybe she thought since the 10 inch black bull had me sissified. She thought should could now do whatever she wanted and I would go along with it. But I wouldn't go along with it, because I thought if she was hiding it. She might eventually have feelings for him and leave me. I told her not to meet him anymore, but she liked the sex with him to much. So we ended up getting a divorce.

I ended up meeting a Japanese woman from Japan. We hit it off and ended up getting married. After about three years of being married. She told me she didn't enjoy sex with me because my penis was to small. She told me she couldn't feel me inside her. So she stopped having sex with me. Shortly after that on my birthday, she gave me a present. I opened it up and it was a stainless steel chastity device. She told me if I wanted to stay married to her I would have to wear it 24/7. So I reluctantly put it on. It took a while to get used to wearing it. She told me little dick guys like me didn't deserve to be inside a woman. Because we couldn't satisfy a woman and would only frustrate a woman sexually. So she told me I would never be inside a woman ever again. And that the only thing my pathetic little penis would ever be inside of was my chastity device. She said I would eventually forget what it felt like to be inside a woman or have a normal orgasm. She said my chastity was permanent and that I would get used to cuming in my cage. She said she wouldn't cuckold me as long as I was good at licking pussy. She eventually added a urethral tube to my chastity device, so I couldn't get my penis out of the device. When it was time to talk about children. She told me she would do a prostate milking to get my sperm. Then she would have invetro-fertilization to impregnate herself. So that is how we ended up with twins. She really got me into the BDSM lifestyle. She became my Mistress and I became her obedient slave. So now we have been married for 18 years. I have not been inside a woman in over 15 years. And she was right I forgot what it felt like to be inside a woman or being able to cum like a normal man. The fifteen years in chastity has not only made me impotent but shrunk my penis down to a tiny stump. My balls are always aching and blue. Especially after she spanks my balls with her stick. while she spanks my balls she tells me the reason for spanking my balls so hard. Is because my dick and balls are so tiny and pathetic that is my punishment for that. But there is not much I can do about it. Now I know the frustration that my tiny penis gives a woman. Because thats how my balls feel all the time aching and not able to relieve them.

[missbaphomet]

Replies won't let me type the full response so here

@thefalse first of all, there's more to meat/dairy consumption than "it tastes good". There are health issues that necessitate eating meat and animal products, and they provide vital vitamins, minerals, and proteins. Your body will specifically even give you cravings for food high in these nutrients when you're in need. Secondly humans are omnivores, our healthiest diets consist of meat AND plant. Livestock also consumes a huge percentage of food waste that humans, including vegans, can't or won't eat. This can be "ugly" food, food too close to expiration, food you can't keep overnight like baked goods. 30% of the diet of that pork chop that I had last Tuesday was food people threw away. Only 36% of food (by calorie) grown globally is eaten by livestock, 55% makes it onto the plate of a human. 9% goes to biofuels.

If you're as worried about resource scarcity as you claim maybe start trying for renewable resources??? The problem isn't "oh wow animals are so bad for the environment", the problem is "companies and corporations are doing bad things for more money and they're only getting worse." You can stop eating milk and honey all you want, but that's not doing literally anything towards what you claim to be advocating for. We can develop new ways to farm that are sustainable and renewable but we can't unfuck the environment with a simple "just don't buy meat lol". It's infinitely more complex than that.

Did you know it's illegal to harvest seeds you got from a tomato at your local Walmart and cultivate them for yourself? That is assuming the plant hasn't been rendered sterile to enforce reliance on whatever company sells the seeds. I personally think that's a bit more fucked up than having a grilled cheese every so often.

Also no one is arguing animal abuse is good, but it's pretty common knowledge that if you abuse your livestock, it reflects negatively in the product. Put simply: animals that are abused then slaughtered for meat make shitty meat. Is there some sketchy shit happening in factory farming? Abso-fucking-lutely. Many livestock animals live on the bare minimum. I absolutely think that livestock should have good lives. Obviously not every cow and pig and chicken can be raised with the same quality of life as a champion show poodle, but they absolutely deserve a nice pasture and good scratch and a warm, comfortable shelter.

You know who provides these things? Local farmers or even just hobbyists. I have several family friends that raise chickens, and we get more eggs than we could ever hope to reasonably eat as a family of four. If you don't eat the egg, toss it back to the chicken! She will happily eat her eggs because they're nutritional and make a damn fine meal. My family also has connections to a family owned cattle farm, and we split a cow up the middle every year, and did for almost 20 years before the owner got cancer and stopped selling beef to focus on his health, and it was damn good beef too. Pigs aren't prominent in my area, but I'm sure I could find one semi-locally. My DM keeps bees and my family went from basically never using honey to buying it by the pint. I think the only thing that my family buys from the store that we couldn't get anywhere else is milk and cheese because pasteurization and cheese making is a huge expensive process that isn't really reasonable to maintain for just a small family.

Ultimately the argument of "but animal abuse" boils down to factory farming, but the solution then becomes just don't buy meat and other products from factory farms.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I (23m) the Asshole for not giving my houseguest (23m) a ride?

We're letting a friend of my sibling's stay at our house while he looks for a job bc he's homeless right now and it's a shitty situation to be in.

He does have a car but more often than not we're driving him around unless he's on 'personal errands', which can see him driving as far as VA or PA (we live in MD). The night before he had an emergency & needed to drive to DC.

He's a cool enough guy, but he's got some living habits that are a little annoying to deal with. (Leaves his stuff everywhere but doesn't help clean being a main one). That and literally everyone who lives here has been helping him out.

My aunt got him an employment opportunity with a high rep restaurant (bc she went to culinary school w/ the owner), my mom let's him use her laptop so he can work on his resume, my sibling rewrote his ENTIRE RESUME for him (bc his initial try got wiped by a glitch & he just gave up I guess), and I've been driving him around everywhere.

Yesterday, a beautiful day, he invited me to come with him ona nature walk. I was ecstatic but as soon as I got ready and we stepped out the house he asked me "okay, so who's driving?"

Despite him inviting me, I was the one who ended up taking us there and back & making annoying pitstops for him right before bumper to bumper traffic. (Fun Fact! I really really hate driving more than I have to!)

Tonight there's an event that I've been excited for all week that he just decided he wanted to go to today, but it's a black tie event & he didn't have any formal wear. He said he'd go to Walmart real quick to pick up a shirt and I thought I'd just meet him there. But then he came up to me and asked if I could drive him to Walmart & the party.

When I told him I didn't want to drive to Walmart for him, he said "oh, that's fine. I just don't have a job right now and I'm trying to save money. But that's cool." Keep in mind I am also unemployed atm.

I left without him & he'll be meeting me at the event but I keep having this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I'm an asshole bc I had nothing stopping me from giving him a ride other than 'not wanting to'. I guess i'm just looking for validation or smth bc I feel like im going crazy

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 2, Episode 15, Part 1 (Lost and Found, Aka The One Where Rory Loses Dean's Shitty Bracelet)

It has been over two months since my last TWWGG post. What has been keeping me from moving on, you may ask? What is the immovable roadblock that keeps slowing my progress? What has kept me from my adoring public (about 5 readers) for two months? It starts with Lor and ends with Elai. We open with a scene of said Annoying Roadblock nursing her bandaged hand, an injury sustained while trying to clean her gutters. Rory suggests they should hire someone, but Lorelai scoffs at the expense. About 10 seconds earlier we learned she was itching to eat some pancakes, presumably at Luke's, a money-costing ritual she likely repeats at least twice a day or more every single day. But no money to hire someone to muck the gutters or squash her termites. Well, I guess I'll let her off on this one because she never pays Luke for her food anyway. Let it be known that my mind is a steel trap and there are certain things I never forget...and one thing I never forgot is Lorelai's reaction to the horrifying suggestion that Jess might come to her home and alleviate the burden of performing some manual labor that she clearly is unfit to do herself.

Portrait of TWWGG thinking. We first learned about Lorelai's gutter problems in A Tisket A Tasket where she was fixing on some some teenage boys to win her picnic basket so theyd take care of her gutters instead ("Cleaning her gutters" is not a sexual euphimism in this case, however it would be if it were Dean). Suffice it to say, that did not happen, so she bypassed several other options (Luke? Dean? Kirk?) and went direct to the do it yourself route.

Now what does Lorelai say a short time later in this episode when Luke offers up a teenage boy named Jess to slop the muck from her gutters?

This kid goes to school (...sometimes), works four jobs (Walmart, Diner, Gigolo, and Full Time Cutie Patooty) and he's not even good enough to slop her damn gutters. We will resume our regularly scheduled broadcast of Grown Woman Holds A Lifelong Grudge Against A 17 Year Old Boy Who Was Rude To Her Once in just a moment.

If only we were so lucky.

I looked up "is gangrene contagious" to see if there was any possiblity she could pass it on to Dean too.

Lorelai complains that Luke is missing and she'll have to endure Caesar's cooking today. Ouch. How about you be quiet and go home and make your own damn pancakes, woman. It's not rocket surgery.

Tryna get a break from you.

Bless Amy Sherman Palladino and all her creative ways of getting masturbation metaphors past the WB censors. “Looking for my supply ledger” sure Luke, sure. 👊 💧

Yes Luke, why DO you have a sock on your shoulder? WInk wink nudge nudge. This wasn't the only masturbation joke involving a sock on this show either. Lorelai What are you doing here? Luke: Just trying to crank one out into my sock here. Can I get a little privacy? Lorelai: Rory and I are starving. I need you to cook us breakfast. God, woman. How about a "pretty please"?

Let's play a game of "What Belongs to Luke and What Belongs To Jess?" Who owns the red heart boxer shorts? Random sombrero? Random alien mask? The game of Connect Four? The Connect Four must be Luke's because Jess has no friends to play board games with. According to Luke this is all of Jess' stuff Liz shipped over, but I somehow doubt Liz ever bought Jess this much stuff or actually cared enough about him to send it . I better send my son his beloved sombrero, said Liz never.

"I'll help you shower if you cook me pancakes" KITTEN SHIRT WOMAN HAS NO CHILL DAMN

Masturbation With Sock Quips on Gilmore GIrls: At Least Two Luke Says Jess Was in The Bathroom For Two Hours And Jess Claims He Was Just Doing His Hair Quips on Gilmore Girls: At Least Two Barely Disguised Masturbation Quips Of Any Variety In The Last 60 Seconds, Total: Two, three if you lump In Lorelai wanting to soap up Luke's hot naked body in exchange for pancakes You can get rid of his alien mask and Connect Four, all this poor boy wants is his own room with four walls and a door.

He knows, this is why the both of you are so cranky and sexually frustrated. Jess "huh"'s cutely and replies that he learns something new every day before walking out. To which Annoying Kitten Shirt Woman replies:

Shut up. I'm begging you. Please. I'll buy you a lifetime supply of Luke's pancakes if you shut up for two seconds. I will stuff your mouth so full of pancakes that all you can do is smile and nod and everyone will be happy. Luke tells Lorelai to go downstairs and wait for him to make the pancakes. She badgers him to tell her how long that wait will be.

Well, if you didn't come upstairs and interrupt the first time, maybe he'd be done by now. Now he's gotta get rid of you, keep you and the child out, get comfy, take his pants off, and start "looking for his ledger" all over again. Then he's gotta try thinking about naked Lorelai but all he hears in his dreams is her whining "make me pancakes" and he goes all limp and he's even more frustrated. And now he can't even find the bed and you took his damn accounting book and in my gritty Gilmore Girls reboot titled The Hollow I would make sure Luke gets some time to himself to jerk off once in a while because he works hard and he deserves it.

Luke To Lorelai After He Gives In to Her Pancake Demands: You sure you weren't pushed off your roof today? It was me, I was the pusher. I regret that I failed and she only got a cut on her hand.

LOL, you're asking what Jess is doing alone upstairs? Want him to spell it out for you with crayons or something? I guess two hours in the bathroom "fixing his hair" just wasn't enough for Jess. He's got a lot of pent up frustration, I get it. Strap in buddy, it's gonna get a lot worse.

You ever think of mindin your own bizzness, woman? #Never However her butting in is sensible enough this time and she explains to Luke that his father's office is too small for two people to be living in it, and that he should think about the fact that Jess lives there too. Right on. We know Luke has $$$$ because he's throwing loan offers at Lorelai like they're Halloween candy. Maybe he could even put Jess up in his own damn apartment, but he's too stingy and stubborn. Ah, Luke and Lorelai, two people who refuse to compromise on anything ever. A match made in heaven, truly. A marriage destined to work. KittenShirt makes a quip about how Jess could be dead under a pile of boxes and no one would know or until his rotting corpse started to smell. But enough about your fantasies, Lorelai. And now we circle back around to Luke offering Jess to Lorelai to clean her gutters to which she replies with a "Jess?" with that tone of thinly veiled disgust that Miss Gilmore is known across the land for. Almost in one breath, Luke admits he doesn't pay Jess enough to work for him AND he "hates the thought of what else he might do to get money if you don't give him the work" AND "You don't have to pay him as much as you would someone else, you save money, he keeps busy." Alright, enough. We're only 7 minutes in to this wretched episode, so let's run down the recap of just minutes 5-6: We've heard implications that: 1) Jess' uncle outright admits he doesn't pay him enough for spending most of his free time after school working for him 2) Even though his uncle doesn't pay him enough, if he takes another job doing grueling manual labor like cleaning gutters, they don't have to pay him enough either, it only matters that he "keeps busy". He's almost 18 with a driver's license, he's not a fourth grader with a lemonade stand. 3) No one would notice or care if Jess was dead until his corpse was rotting under a pile of boxes for weeks 4) the only way Jess knows how to make money is by doing illegal, unspecificed things. You just readily admitted you don't pay him enough to do work that's (borderline) legal anyway so who can blame him? 5) For some reason Lorelai doesn't think he's worthy enough to slop her gutters This is where my Gilmore Girls reboot would take a turn into horror movie territory, something like The Hollow: Mariano's Revenge. Jess goes on a killing rampage. (Rory is fine and a few other select people may be spared) Jess doesn't go to jail because the judge and jury won't convinct his innocent face and the jury understands the people of The Hollow deserved it. Rory and Jess can go on to build new lives somewhere else. A bulldozer comes through and razes the entire town. End of show. Lorelai stammers and sputters at the suggestion that Jess could clean her gutters and makes up excuses that she has other people lined up for the job and scurries out of the diner with Rory. Please, I must know the reason Jess can't clean your gutters or visit your home, it's unclear where her discomfort lies because it's nonsense. What, are you worried he's gonna steal something if he visits? What's he gonna take? The clown pillow? An box of off-brand poptarts? No, it wil just be some Quarter On A String that Dean gifted Rory and that she doesn't even care is missing.

Lorelai says a lot of things she doesn't mean. "I'll give Jess a chance", "I'll stop sleeping with Dean", "I won't keep spending our meager life savings on pancakes."

I continue to feel pity for Rory that she constantly has to defend him against this exhausting nonsense. What makes my blood pressure rise higher? Any interaction with Dean, or a long exchange between Rory and Lorelai where Lorelai is trying to explain to Rory that Jess makes her "uncomfortable"? And Rory has to convince Lorelai to give Jess a chance. Again. Honestly right now I would welcome Dean parachuting into the scene and starting some different bullshit as only he can. I hate this.

Idk about that, you seem to have an awful lot of opinions on Rory liking him too.

Only if he can call you "annoying emotionally stunted woman-child who doesn't mind her own business and has a one sided grudge with a child". I think that's only fair.

"Because I'm still 17 years old and can't move out and until then I'm stuck under the same roof as you listening to your bullshit unless TWWGG calls Child Protective Services in Connecticut and gets me put into a nice foster home with a new Mommy." Rory goes on to explain that Jess lives with Luke and they're going to have to see him every day if they want to keep eating the pancakes at the diner so it might behoove Lorelai to be nice to Jess. Which is the same exact sensible, ignored advice that Rory gave to Dean when she asked him why he hated Jess and he said "because he breathes". Which is that you can't hold grudges against people when you live in a small town. I'm sorry no one listens to you Rory. I'm listening. I'm sorry for how I used to talk about you. You are the only logical and reasonable humanoid in this wretched pod called Stars Hollow. I've said it before and I'll say it again because why not: Whenever Lorelai boycotts Luke's Diner because there's some kind of discomfort between them (which is frequently) Lorelai won't eat at any other restaurant so Rory starves. I'm getting CPS on the line right now, Rory. Hold tight. Rory explains to her mother that she and Jess are sorta-kinda-not that close friends, a horrifying prospect that shakes Lorelai to her core.

Look at this sleeping infant? How could you hate this angelbaby snugglekins. I would notice if you were pinned under an avalanche of boxes and I would get you out before you could perish. And I would pay you fair wages if you were in my employ. And you wouldn't have to do unspecifed llegal things on the mean streets of small town Connecticut to survive. I promise. We learn that Jess needs loud music to sleep, which I admit was a comment that went completely over my head for many years until I finally realized the implication of that statement. Either he needed music to drown out some awful thing that was happening to his mother or it was to drown out what was happening outside his home (street violence?) and most likely it was both. At the very least, I think it was a distraction so he could fall asleep without thinking about all the turmoil going on around him. Instead he's now suffering in a different, quieter kind of hell called Stars Hollow where some witchy bitchy woman named Lorelai and her small town minions have put a target on his back for no reason. Luke goes on a frustrated rant about the messy state of the Danes Mariano home, waking Baby from his sleep. I do delight in a good Frustrated Luke Danes rant. It's one of the few things keeping me sane while trying to get through the wretched hell that is the 2nd half of season 2. He tells Jess that tomorrow morning they're moving out and finding a new place (lies). Part 2 idk when. Maybe in another 2 months.