#she always is either smiling or with a constant wtf is going on expression

[reversecreek]

lily for magda (thinking about figs feeling evil), tulip for cricket, marigold for ziggy, chrysanthemum for bradley, belladonna for nyla

lily :   how does your muse view their mother ?  

magda doesn’t know a lot abt her mum. she knows vague snippets n details bt they’re all very elusive. it’s kind of a tricky subject where her mum’s concerned bc when she was younger she’d come up w all these assumptions abt how her mum was n who she’d be if she were with her but the rational part of magda was like..... u don’t know any of this. ur literally making things up. it’s kind of hard for a kid to have that vital person missing from their life n to resist the urge to fill in the blanks with their own projections so the space feels less empty. it’s like having a tooth missing n ur tongue always going back to poke at the spot in ur gum. there’s a constant reminder of loss in that. magda knows her mum liked to sing bc her dad said once she’d always sing to her belly when she was pregnant. this is a lot of the reason why magda has always cared so much abt music bc she took this fact in her fist n grasped it tight n never let go n in a way grew parts of herself around it. it’s like............. i feel like her mum dying in childbirth gave her lots of issues when it comes to her identity n like. who she is n who she wants to be.......... bc of magda’s issues w her dad i feel like she got into this habit growing up of rly putting who her mum could have been on a pedestal n basing everything around that.... she’d be like I’m More Like Her (a belief which was only accelerated bc her dad would drunkenly say she looked so much like her) n cling onto that so she liked herself more bc the other option was her dad who she loves but he’s also an incredibly flawed person n they hv a complicated relationship...... i think as she’s gotten older she’s realised her mum cld very well have been that way too n putting people on pedestals isn’t the way to go about things but. idk. as a kid she was kind of obsessed w this idea of her n this idea that her mum being gone was the beginning n end of everything wrong in her life. for the most part now magda accepts she never knew her n sometimes even feels stupid for grieving her at all bc she never knew her to grieve in the first place but. there’s a tiny part of magda tht still hangs on to the comfort of what she could have had n it’s obvious by the fact she still keeps a photograph of her folded up in her pillow. she loves the mum she made up in her head n she wishes she got to meet her. there’s this sense tht maybe then she wouldn’t feel like this culmination of missing parts more than a person if she’d had that in her life. sighs n lks away holding my dyed black emo bang.....

tulip :   how does your muse view people in general ?  

cricket is like. the strangest little anomaly of a person FGHKSFGHSFKGH bc like. u would rly think that after everything he’s been thru he would just have this absolutely jaded view of people and life in general and i wouldn’t even......... blame him for it if he did like. i’d understand completely bc he’s experienced A Lot of bad stuff. n yet somehow he just.... idk. i think i wrote in a reply once this comparison of cricket n a cockroach in the sense that they have this incredibly reinforced exoskeleton n even if they’re stomped flat they can keep living n bounce back from it n that’s very him but it’s more specifically the hope inside him. he has this little candle lit that good things can still happen midst all of the terrible things n i genuinely can’t see it snuffing out at any point even tho sometimes he might want it to. sometimes i think he even gets into these frames of mind where it jst infuriates the fk out of him bc in his head he’s like why do u even think good shit can happen when u have sm overwhelming evidence to the contrary but then he’s also like. look u can dwell on the bad or u can notice the way the light falls thru the leaves in the trees and u can think to urself inside ur head as u listen to someone u love talking abt something that makes them happy ‘hey this feeling is nice n there’s a dozen others like it’. idk. against all odds he’s an optimist. he has tinnitus in his left ear n sometimes he pretends the ringing is angels trying to talk to him. he likes to search for the silver linings in things to make them bearable n that’s how he gets by. obviously he knows there’s evil in the world n that a lot of people can be shit bc he has firsthand experience w that but he also believes there are people to serve as the antithesis to that n he wants to focus on them bc like. why give bad stuff the time of day. not necessarily always a positive coping mechanism (if u bottle up bad feelings n thoughts they leak thru one way or another aka his overwhelming anxiety) but like.... i think there’s a lot of bravery in that n i respect him for it i won’t lie. he cld have become very bitter bt instead he’s like that quote that’s like 'the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it'. suddenly slaps his little anxious rump (supportive) (affectionate)

marigold :   is your muse prone to jealousy ?  how might they handle envious feelings ?  

it’s hard to say w ziggy............... i feel like he doesn’t want to think he’s prone to jealousy bc he’s like i’m literally a god wdym i simply wld never give a fk bc i know i’m above all else................. but like. do u actually believe that ziggy. do u. FKGJHKSJGHFGSHFGKSHGKFHG. he’s good at convincing himself at least........... has me fooled too most of the time. bt. thinks abt this.............. i feel like he doesn’t tend to get jealous over ppl he hooks up w a lot of the time bt there’s definitely a few select ppl he might.......... n then he doesn’t rly know what that feeling is bc he’s so unused to feeling it so he’s like wtf why am i so fking pissed off over the thought of this person fking that person? like literally doesn’t even. connect the dots n make the logical conclusion bc it jst seems so bizarre n nonsensical to him. rly is awful at working out his own feelings like. he cld just suddenly explode one day n have to smash a bunch of shit in a junkyard n after his chest is heaving n he has all this broken stuff around him n he’s just like yo wtf was that man forreal lmfaoooooooooo..... like he just doesn’t even get how his own emotions work it’s tragic n it’s men for u. w anxious feelings he represses them a lot he doesn’t rly understand what they r or know how to recognise them........... i honestly feel like he has a lot of anxiety surrounding his mum esp w her dating n like some of the guys they’ve both had to deal w that she’s dated in the past.......... i doubt he processes that healthily or expresses it healthily either..... probably contributes to the tensions between him n his mum they hv a lot of underlying issues that come out in the form of bickering n petty disagreements...... probably a huge contributor to him acting out so terribly in high skl was just all this pent up worried energy with no means of making sense of itself or like. place to go. like shaking a coke bottle over n over n finally having to crack the lid n let it fizz on something. i also think he probably swallowed a lot of jealousy growing up whenever other kids had gd relationships w their fathers or parents in general probably ws kind of like lmfaooooo yo why don’t mine love me like that. in his head...... so ya. i think he copes w anxious feelings by acting out n also fucking if we’re being honest......... it helps him let off steam <3 king of clapping cheeks ig....

chrysanthemum :   how does your muse express romantic love ?  how do they feel about love as a concept ?  

bradley is kind of hard to read romantically like from an outside perspective but slides on my thin rimmed spectacles n picks up my scalpel to delve right in to the nitty gritty of her brain... omg... that sounded... kind of scary actually but. it’s ok. basically settles in. bradley struggles to verbalise her feelings in this regard but also in a general sense honestly.... like she’s spent a lifetime having any vulnerable or negative feeling shut down....... her dad’s the type of personality where it’s like... u can’t win. even tho he’s narcissistic n thinks he’s a god if u compliment him or express affection he’ll act pleased but there’ll also be this register in his eyes where he thinks less of u for it. so this rly had a domino effect in bradley’s emotional expression in all grounds of life...... romance is probably the most frivolous concept to tony so bradley definitely internalised some of these views n wld feel stupid for ever taking anything seriously in that regard or rly investing herself..... she also just. idk. love has only ever left bite marks in bradley’s world so she’d kind of like ‘why wld i ever expose my tender spots n open myself up to someone just so they can sink their teeth in’. i will say tho that like. despite that she can in rare instances develop those feelings n it’s always like..... quite a struggle for her when she does. she doesn’t rly understand it or how to deal w it. she finds talking about it hard n she feels childish or weak in the eyes of whoever knows how she’s feeling. it takes a long time n a lot of work to earn it bt bradley in love is like. ur the only person on the planet who knows how gentle she can b. she’d literally like. touch the face of this one guy i wrote her being in love w when he was sad so gently it was shocking it ws like a love tht deep unlocked a whole other part of her she didn’t know existed. sex is a big part of her love expression jst like. a lot of it. so much. JHGSFKHGSFGKHFKGSHG let’s get it.......... she’s a ride or die n doesn’t do anything in halves. she has a nasty habit of pushing good things away n also wld probably do this to protect the other person bc her world is a never ending shit show with her father’s presence in every room even when he isn’t physically there. she wldn’t wna subject someone she loved to the danger of that bc she hates it enough herself so. idk. smiles w hand on hip. love isn’t something bradley thinks is on the menu fr her bc she’s only ever known it to be hard or mean n why bother trying when that’s the case. it feels like there’s always small print attached tht will hurt her in the end n nothing is free or genuine. very doomed outlook on love in general tbh.

belladonna :   how does your muse respond to silence ?   do they take comfort in soundlessness ,   or seek to fill the void with noise ?  

nyla honestly doesn’t mind silence at all........ they always wake up rly early in the morning no matter what time they went to bed. it’s like someone programmed an oven timer into their brain n often when they wake up at 6am or something they’ll go on walks around irving tottering in their own little world which is quite a quiet experience in itself when the rest of the world’s asleep........... always off on impromptu adventures they came up w on the spot.......... sometimes they get lost in their own train of thought too so they just randomly fall silent bc they’re having a whole conversation w themselves inside their head or like. writing a whole children’s story abt an iguana in a trench coat floating in a hot air balloon smoking a little vintage pipe all the way to peru. honestly for every 1 thing nyla says there’s about 4987295749572592745 things they don’t say tht are x100 times stranger n more nonsensical they sort of let it all drift thru their head like an open sieve for the most part. having said tht i think in order to sleep at night they probably need some sort of white noise or smthn................. it’s handy living in a beach house bc they just leave the window open to let the ocean gush bt sometimes if they’ve snuck into like. mido’s bed fr the night or someone’s bed idk the sound of them breathing works too................. they used to always sleep w bob ross playing on loop n that was rly comforting to them esp bc he reminds them a lot of their dad w his calming voice n energy.............. sometimes they’d have taken smthn n they’d literally hallucinate it as their dad instead of bob ross n this happened so many times in a row fr a period of time tht when they finally watched it sober they were like wtf since when did they recast my dad in this show...... KJHFGSHFGKSHFKGH but also. frowns... bit sad considering. 

[kaypeace21]

i LOVE your analysis especially byler ones so please don't take this as hate, it's the last thing i want to do. but while i love the byler theories do you actually think the duffers are smart enough to realize the potential/brave enough to follow through on the relationship. bc tbh i think our viewpoint is skewed i don't think anyone but byler shippers see the canon possibility. and also it really seems like m/leven is going to be endgame? just wanted to know more of your thought process

Even if byler never happens- I’m 100% sure mileven won’t be endgame XD. Regardless of byler, Mike and El are just not going to happen. (Even if they’re ‘dating’ in s4). I could try to explain the reasons why I think byler will be endgame though. I’ll give the cliffnotes version. This will probably be a mess- because focusing on all the reasons isn’t as good as analyzing , each reason as it’s own separate post, in depth). 

Why mileven isn’t endgame

- The duffers said, while filming ST, El was supposed to die in s1 (glad that didn’t happen). And this was also their plan when pitching their show ‘Montauk’ (later retitled ST), saying that the hypothetical  s2 sequel would be about the boys returning to their town 10 years later. Mileven was never ‘planned end-game’. They also describe mileven kissing but never mention the word ‘love’ like how Jancy was described in the Montauk pitch. Nancy’s bio says “ she will experience love for the first time.”  But when they describe mileven, they say, “If Mike is the Elliot of our show, Eleven is our “E.T.” Like that’s … not romantic, Duffers. And if it was supposed to be … WTF did you guys watch the same film? 0-O

- In the byler centric s2, the Duffers kept mileven separated. And the mileven kiss wasn’t written in the show. Millie pretty much said “they had to do it.” Much to Matt’s confusion but then the Duffers agreed. And used ‘every breath you take’ (a song about divorce), and just by coincidence their 2nd back-up  song was also a song about a divorce? Nah, they were trolling.

- Most of the women (Nancy & Max) in the show critique Mileven saying Mike treats her as if she’s stupid, can’t take care of herself, or as she is a possession. 

-in the first ep of s3 almost all the guys (who had/have gfs) Hopper, Lucas, and Dustin all criticize the mileven relationship and think it’s unhealthy.

Hopper says “ They’re spending entirely too much time together… It is constant.It is constant! Okay? That is not normal, that is not healthy! ”

Lucas mocks Mike, saying “ Oh El, I wish we could make out forever and never hang out with any of our friends.”

Dustin says when they flake on him, “It’s bullshit, I just got home!” (insert Nancy calling Stancy ‘bullshit’)

and before this  Dustin talks about Romeo & Juliet (while mileven is out of frame). R&J is all about the dangers of not knowing the difference between love and infatuation. Juliet after Romeo is banished just complains about how in love/sad she is but never pursues looking for him (sound familiar)? R&J claimed that they were in love with each other after knowing each for a few days and deciding to get married-sabotaging the closest relationships they had with their friends/family (all in the name of ‘true love’) . Similarly Mileven thought they were in love after only a week of knowing each other, and the second they are reunited they start dating and spend all their time with each other. El is allowed out of the house (and her friends are allowed to visit), but El hasn’t interacted with Max nor Will? They spend almost everyday in her room just making out. Mike puts very little effort into integrating her into his life or as part of the group. The only time they go out- is for Mike to show off El to Dustin like a possession- then before El can even do the boding activity with the group (with the radio tower)- Mike convinces her to leave to make out. They are both complicit in this and they both bring out the worst in each other and they make each other blinded to their loved ones’ feelings.

- El literally asks Max “How do I know what I like?” Do I have to explain why this could be problematic? She even says “I don’t know”, when Max asks if Mike is a good kisser.You can call me ‘ableist’ my abused-autistic ass will disagree. But El is not ready for a romantic relationship! it makes perfect sense for El to be confused by the distinctions of romantic, platonic, and familial love- when the first 12 years of her life she didn’t receive any form of love , PERIOD! And she is not like normal abuse victims (she has never had proper socialization with peers her own age or even adults).All she had was television. She latches herself on to anyone who is kind to her (something I used to do). Without Mike she used Max as a replacement almost immediately, and even starts repeating/mirroring the things she says (specifically coping phrases from her …over 6 times!). She’s also susceptible to doing what others say or want her to do, “dumping his ass” (with Max’s validation and encouragement). El might love Mike but I don’t think it’s romantic, she latched on to the first person that was kind to her. Before their first kiss she asked Mike “Will you be like my brother?” And she’s hurt when he says “no”, asking “Why not?”. He then kisses her (she watches a lot of soap operas and she assumes it must be ‘romantic love’). You’re telling me that if she was ‘in love’ with Mike she would have been that happy over dumping him? I’m not saying El is dumb for not being able to discern these things (I think people without such backgrounds may still struggle with this concept). But it makes perfect sense for El to be confused by the distinctions of various loves or even the differences between ‘crushes’ , ‘physical attraction’ and ‘romantic love’ 

- In the last ep El asks about what he said at the cabin to Max, specifying “you talked about your feelings?”. He says and I QUOTE “Oh! Oh, yeah that.Man, that was so long ago. Um…”  and starts to scratch his head. Then he excuses what he said at the cabin, saying it was “in the heat of the moment stuff and we were arguing… I don’t actually remember. What did I say exactly?”  

Now either he legitimately forgot! Or he lied! You know the thing that broke them up in the first place! The one thing that El holds as her most important value in life- honesty. And he lied- about something as important as his romantic feelings?!  Make up any excuse (about being shy/character flaws all you want), but this isn’t real life- it’s fiction (everything is done for a narrative purpose). That wasn’t an accident ( mileven wasn’t “written out of character”- like milevens claim,  the duffers were criticizing the ship on purpose) .And the fact he lied again! Wouldn’t bode well for a long term relation with each other. The whole season, criticized their romantic relationship ! That wasn’t a coincidence neither was the fact he looked confused by her confession, and kept his eyes open the whole time and didn’t kiss her back . 

And as she smiled and walked away, he looked confused. That wasn’t a directing mistake, like so many milevens are claiming! You really think they wouldn’t make sure their ‘fav ship’ didn’t have a good final kiss? 

 Especially since it was right after a romantic Jancy scene (which was directed amazingly)- where Nancy even mentions Mileven- to make us compare the 2 pairings romantic scenes even more. 

* I know I sound like an assh*le but I’m just annoyed. I’ve always censored my byler posts trying not to offend/criticize mileven. I never cross tagged my byler meta with the hashtag mileven (never will, cause it’s rude). But (without sounding pompous) my byler posts generally gets reblogged a lot- and now the milevens have seen my posts (and are sending lots of hate my way) and worst of all they’ve invaded the byler tag. Today I saw 2 posts in the byler tag saying. “We’re delusional” and “stupid”- and also in the same posts they say they “feel attacked” by us.Um… there’s a difference between byler shippers privately criticizing a ship without bothering mileven shippers (and only tagging it byler) . Versus Mileven shippers  tagging things byler (and ranting about the ship and it’s shippers). Loved the comment about how Mike can’t be bi cause “he loves El too much”.I think Mike is probably gay and in denial. But, um that’s not how being bi works- didn’t know  bi people love women and men ½ as much as the gays/straights. Thanks for informing me (rolls eyes for eternity).So kid-gloves off, nothing left to lose! Time to compare the ships.

‘The breakup’ vs ‘fight’ parallel

comedic vs dramatic! The casual sunny day vs the dramatic framing of the storm (a romantic trope) . The ‘break-up’ being a scene with multiple onlookers vs the fight being with Will and Mike only (making it more personal/intimate).  ‘Cold as ice’ playing after the mileven breakup vs the sad instrumentals playing during the byler fight. The comedic after-math at the mall. El and Max laughing, and another joke being made as the bus leaves.El’s happiness vs Will’s heartbreak.

Mike’s drastically different expressions after their fights. He looks regretful with Will, and almost annoyed with El dumping him.  The fact Mike apologized right away more than once to Will, and ran into a storm to apologize a 2nd time. But with El he just lies to cover up the first lie, and then after the break-up he just complains/lounges on the couch (not taking any responsibility). He literally says about El “Why is she treating me this way? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong?”.( He lied and made her feel “like garbage”!) Then he burps and laughs about chips- and makes sexist comments. Neither EL nor Mike are heartbroken by the breakup.

But when he angers Will (by him trying to finish the game early), he immediately tries to de-escalate saying softly “I was just joking- c’mon, let’s finish the game”. But when Will just yells back (much to Mike’s confusion) he doesn’t dismiss his feelings as irrational (like he wrongfully did to El) but chases him to the garage-  and begs him to stay since it’s raining.

In the garage, Mike immediately apologizes saying “I said I was sorry, alright. It was a cool campaign.” But after this, they fight and Mike runs into a storm to apologize a second time , and says to Will’s door “ WILL! I’m sorry I was being an asshole. Can you just come outside and we’ll talk? WILL!” He immediately takes responsibility and apologizes. And he’s desperate to resolve things. And when they find him outside castle Byers he just asks  (Mike’s catchphrase) “Will, Are you ok?”

Shed scene ( “best thing I’ve ever done” vs “the most important thing in the world to me”) parallel

When Mike says to El  “you’re most important thing to me” in the pool shed. El doesn’t even acknowledge the comment (and neither should the audience- cause the words were empty). She completely ignores his words, and responds by asking him about his previous comments. Asking whether Hopper was right about them spending too much time together.

I didn’t edit (or delete any scene after his proclamation) this is how fast it was delivered ! The framing of this mileven scene was not cinematic or heartfelt, and neither was the delivery from Mike. He’s not crying, trying to reach her with proclamations of his genuine feelings. There’s no dramatic music, framing, lighting or shot composition. And El just responds and cuts his supposed ‘true feelings’ off- only to agree with Hopper and says “ she should spend time with her own species.” And if this ‘romantic moment’ wasn’t already undermined enough. This is when Mike realizes she was spying on him , and feels wrongfully violated (something she doesn’t apologize for,  saying “I make my own rules” . He even brings this up in a later episode (this clearly bothered him)!

Juxtaposed to the MUCH longer byler scene. A literal single tear falling down his cheek as Mike , recounts the first day they met. Mike being in the back drop of darkness only his face being illuminated (having him appear like a guiding light to Will). Saying “ I felt so alone and  so scared… but you were alone too” (alone together/crazy together) .  He then talks about asking Will to be his friend, and then he pauses and breaks eye contact , before looking him in the eye and smiling (lost in the memory) saying softly “you said yes, you said yes.” (cough like saying yes at a wedding).

So, after he says “you said yes, you said yes.” It’s important to mention that he takes a deep breath and breaks eye contact again, (looking down and to the side) as he says this line. Subconsciously, I believe he knows this line is romantic and he’s too afraid to say it to his face. Only flicking his eyes up to look at Will  after he finishes the entire sentence, and to gauge Will’s reaction.

This whole monologue is only of tight shots of just their faces (their bodies aren’t shown like in the pool shed scene). This is a personal moment between them and them alone- and the fact we zoom in on their faces (expresses this to be important emotionally) . And when we see Will’s reaction to Mike saying “it was the best thing I’ve ever done”. We just see Will’s face only- no music is playing and all we hear is  Will’s whimpers and Mike crying in the background.

“ Blank makes you Crazy” vs “ Crazy Together parallel

When Mike tries to confess his “love” to El he says “Well they do say it makes you crazy”… much to El’s confusion.He has to try to explain it a second time to El- who just gets even more confused, by his ‘confession’. Saying “you never heard that expression? Like blank makes you crazy … like the word (love)?”

But when Mike says he “feels like he’s going crazy” Will immediately responds with “Me too”. Mike even smiles at the comment. So that moment in s2 means more than we think, when Mike (with tears in his eyes) smiles at Will’s comment and asks them to go “crazy together”.And when Will responds back “yeah, crazy together” (who also has tears in his eyes). They even linger on the moment as they just smile and stare at each other.

Mike is in denial, and may not even realize he loves Will, but he knows subconsciously that he does. He heard the phrase “love makes you crazy and that damn stupid”, 100′s of times and that’s why he said that phrase to Will. And why it made him so happy when Will reciprocated , by saying “ yeah. crazy together.” In addition to why we see them both go from happy, to immediately upset over the conversation.The scene was already romantically coded in s2 (but the scene in s3 re-contextualizes the whole thing) . Mike thinks “love makes you crazy” , and he asked Will to go ‘crazy together’ with him. And When Will is at castle byers looking at the Halloween pic of the 2 the day Mike said that, Will cries and calls himself “stupid” (4x). Can’t get more obvious… Like look what the duffers did! 

El and Will’s opinions on Mike (Parallels)

-When asked if Mike was a good kisser,  she just said “I don’t know he’s my 1st boyfriend.” (implying she’s thinking, at least subconsciously, of having other boyfriends ,who are not Mike in the future).  But when Mike pretty much asks’ if Will thought they’d never get girlfriends, and spend the rest of their lives with each other’.Will just sadly responds “yeah, I guess I did. I really did!” Unlike, El, Will always saw Mike as his future, his forever.

-And when Mike says “it’s just a break” , Max says “No it’s not!”, and we see El laugh along with Max’s comment. She is not heartbroken at the idea of never getting back together with him, romantically. Right after they break up she was laughing, reading comics, and playing games with Max.

But Will is devastated over the fight! And out of all the memories in Castle Byers it’s the Ghostbusters photo from Halloween that causes Will to pick up the bat and start destroying everything. That was the night that Mike agreed to go “crazy together” with him. He tears it in ½ right in the center where Mike and Will are. He was so stupid to think it meant anything. The “crazy together” scene, that Mike initiated in s2 was always meant to be romantic. Not only because of Will’s reaction to the photo in s3, but because Mike in s3 says “They do say it makes you crazy…blank makes you crazy.”  Which is exactly what happens to Will, as he has his breakdown.Castle byers was built on a rainy night , the same day Will’s dad left, when Will was 5 (the same age he met Mike). And lonnie called him a “queer” and a “f*g” and forced him to do “normal things” like baseball to have him “be more of a man”. And then on a rainy night, after Mike says “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls”… what does Will destroy castle byers with? A baseball bat! The fact Will has a baseball bat (despite in s1 saying he does not like baseball) in Castle Byers, surrounded by things he loves: drawings, d&d, art supplies, a microscope, comics- just shows what an impact Lonnie’s problematic conditioning and abandonment had on him. He used a baseball bat to destroy something he loves -castle Byers, and symbolically he was trying to reject his feelings for Mike using Lonnie’s old tactics of fixing him.

- Also, El doesn’t even seem to appreciate when Mike acts like his true self (goofy/like a kid). She laughs when Max complains he talks too much. Rolls his at his jokes with the cpr-dummy, covers his mouth and tells him to stop when he tries to joke and sing, ignores him when he gets excited about talking about dinosaurs. Which relates to my next point

The only characters who’s character bios focus on ‘escaping’ through d&d is Mike and Will.

Will in the Montauk pitch was described as having “sexual identity issues… LIKE MIKE , Will ESCAPES through fantasy gaming where he can be himself, uninhibited.” Like what is Mike escaping from… being a nerd? Because they could of said ‘like his friends’. And no it’s not because they’re best friends- they even specifIed in Lucas bio he’s “ Mike’s best friend” (which was even mentioned in s1).

.In Mike’s character description it says “ bullying and near-crippling insecurity. He has never had a first kiss, much less a girlfriend.He ESCAPES his insecurities through reading fantasy novels … retreating into his own vivid imagination. The Dungeon Master of his Dungeons and Dragons group, he writes sprawling adventures with fantastical monsters.When he finds himself on a real adventure, facing real monsters, he will discover a courage he didn’t know he had. By the end, he will even kiss a girl.”

*Interesting that Mike uses D&D  to escape his insecurities about not having a gf (retreating into his imagination). While Will (who is somewhat aware of his sexuality) uses d&d to escape and be himself uninhibited. They’re foils in a sense- using d&d for opposing reasons.

So the s3 fight about d&d games has a lot more meaning 

Mike equates heterosexual romance with ‘growing up’ and his feeling for Will as something childish he has to grow out of.When they fight over d&d. Mike says “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls!”, then he tries to ½ apologize only to say, “I’m not trying to be a jerk. Ok? But We’re not kids anymore.” He pretty much explains, this is just the way things are-boys fall in love with girls, get girlfriends, and that’s just a part of growing up (heteronormativity).  And tells Will “I mean, what did you think, really? That we were never gonna get girlfriends? We were just gonna sit in my basement all day and play games for the rest of our lives?” And poor Will who is probably more aware of his feelings just responds. “Yeah. I guess I did. I really did.” And after this Mike rushes to Will’s house and apologizes saying he was an “asshole.”When he tries to say he loves El . It was very forced. He can’t even use the world love or explain his feelings, “A feeling … yeah, like, something… like OLD PEOPLE say it sometimes”.

He can’t even describe love and what his “feelings” entail for El , he then says  “Yeah, like something , like old people say it some times. He doesn’t even say it back in the last ep, when she confesses. It’s all talk, but no feeling, it’s just a part of becoming an adult in Mike’s mind.

In the last ep before the mileven kiss, he even invites both El and Will over for Christmas saying “ And Will too… we could all have new presents to play with and… *scoffs* Sorry, that made me sound like a 7 year old...  ”

And it’s implied in the last ep (before the mileven kiss),  because of the 3 month breakup Mike is back to liking d &d. When Mike sees Will put his own d&d book in the donation box he stops him.

Mike: “WHOA, dude that’s the donation box.”

Will: “ I know, I’ll just use yours,  when I come back. (pause) if WE still want to play?”

So then Mike asks, shyly …

Mike : “Yeah, but what if you want to join another party?” (cough- girls , the other ‘species’, or just someone else: girl, guy or otherwise)

Will: “Not possible.” (Will will always love Mike- insert Mikes immediate heart-eye reaction to this comment).

I think people don’t notice what the subtext is here- regardless of his intentions, Mike broke Will’s heart. He made him feel “stupid” for ever thinking he ever had a chance with Mike. He always saw Mike as his forever, but Mike shot any hopes of that down in the garage. Will doesn’t trust his own instincts. Mike could straight up flirt with him in s4/5- and Will would dismiss it as his imagination. He essentially said ‘he’ll always love Mike- but if something is going to happen. It’s up to Mike to initiate it’.

Mike was queer coded since ep 1 (and he’s more queer coded than Will)!

 I LITERALLY thought (in s1) Mike was queer before Will!

- 3 rainbow references. Mike in s1 in his basement has a red heart being propelled by a rainbow sign. We see this again in s3 as a drawing. Mike also stands next to Will behind a rainbow apple poster in s2. Forbidden fruit + rainbow = queer forbidden romance. Also the apple poster was in the AV Club and at that time the rainbow apple-mac sign was suspected to be in reference to for Alan Turning (the gay ‘father of computers’).

In s1:

- 4 separate characters said El looked like a boy, but Mike doesn’t care! Even one of the men thought El might be the missing ‘Byers boy’. When El loses her wig , Troy said “she doesn’t even look like a girl” to the cops. But Mike just calls her “really pretty”

-Nancy says “I thought you were acting weird, but I thought it was because of Will” And Mike responds “I thought you were acting weird too I thought it was because of Steve … Do you like Jonathan now”?” Nancy: “No, do you like Eleven?”. They literally compared the explicit love triangle between Steve/Nancy/Jonathan to the Will-Mike-El dynamic!

- Mike literally uses gender inclusive pronouns when talking about crushes using the word “someone” (3 times), and embarrassing himself because he can’t articulate the difference between friendship and romance. When he could of simply given the 80s heteronormative  answer of ‘when a boy likes a girl’.

Mike: “ you go to school dances with someone.

You know someone that you like”

El: “a friend?”

Mike: ‘not a friend uh … uh someone like a” (gives up and kisses her)

-Mike’s mom said “ What’s been going on with Will, I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. I just … want you to feel like you can talk to me. I never want you to feel like you have to HIDE anything from me” (she even emphasizes the word ‘hide”  (which is heavily queer coded)

- when Will ‘dies’, “we can be heroes” by David bowie (a bisexual singer) plays,   “And we kiss as though nothing could fall and the shame” is the lyric that plays when Mike returns to his house and cries in his mother’s arms over the ‘death’ of Will. Do I have to explain how ‘kissing and shame’ are queer-coded . And how such a lyric is oddly romantic- if we’re supposed to see their bond as nothing but platonic XD

-his dad jokes “Absolutely not” *turns to wife* “our son with a girl?”.

- when Lucas makes fun of his crush on EL, Lucas gets down on one knee  and says “ I love you so much, will you marry me?” and literally 1s later, we’re introduced to the bullies and the idea (for the first time) that Will is ‘gay’, and Mike is in the forefront of the scene and unlike his friends he is THE ONLY ONE physically assaulted as they cause him to fall face first into a rock (like a gay-bashing) .  They leave Lucas and Dustin unharmed. Even though Lucas just proposed to another guy- which should have gotten him a beating by the homophobic bullies.

It’s supposed to subconsciously hint Mike is queer like Will, and likes Will. The first interaction with the bullies, they mention Will being ‘gay’ right after they mention Mike’s crush on androgynous El and have a guy propose to Mike. Mike says to “ignore them” ( the homophobic remarks) but is assaulted anyways. And when asked what happed he doesn’t want to tell El the details cause he’s ashamed .

2nd time the bullies talk about Will, Mike is once again in the forefront, unlike his straight friends who are in the background . But this time Mike initiates the confrontation), as the bullies say Will is “flying in fairyland with all the other little fairies. All happy and gay”. Mike was literally on the verge or tears at this comment (despite being happy a few moments earlier , telling the others to ‘act sad’ because they’d look suspicious other wise). But this is the comment where Mike snaps and pushes Troy back (because he took it personally/wanted to defend Will).

The framing of Mike once again being in the front and snapping at the homophobic remarks ( gifs don’t do it justice, just rewatch the scene -Mike eyes water at the remarks). Then the last time the bullies appear , Mike jumps off the cliff and “flies like a fairy” (like Troy said) thanks to El . Troy at the police station even uses the word “fly” not levitate.

-Mike sneaking out to find Will, as Steve sneaks in to Nancy’s. They both even make eye contact (and pretend not to have seen each other).

- they share dinosaur toys , in s1 and 2 they appear to be the only ones with dinosaur toys.

- The s1 mom hug scene where Mike feels he lost Will is paralleled in s3 - signifying how he lost him a 2nd time.

- Mike in the 1st ep being the one to insist on looking for Will in the rain (callback to s3). But he never went looking for El when he saw her through his window? Even when Mike saw Will’s dead body, the second he heard his voice he convinced his friends to help rescue him!

- You remember the binder (from s1) that Mike keeps, filled with 100s of Will’s drawings, and how he caresses the drawing after thinking Will was dead. That’s totes platonic.

- Mike in s1 proclaiming “I’m the only one who cares about Will!” Seems like something a kid with a crush might say ( because obviously his other friends care about Will). But he thinks he cares the most. He was even the first to worry about Will not showing up to school, the first to suggest looking for him while speaking to Hopper, and when Hopper and his parents say ‘no’ he sneaks out anyway (and is the first to suggest forming a search party). The first to believe he was alive after seeing his dead body.The only boy to have a scene dedicated solely to him mourning Will.  Mike being the only boy to stay awake at the hospital, and the first boy to see and hug Will. The only one to have a private one on one talk before Will goes missing. The only one who was literally given 100s of Will’s drawings. And yet Dustin says Lucas’ is Mike’s best friend? So what does that make Mike and Will?

In s2:

- Will in all 3 seasons identifies as a wizard. But in s2 Mike (the paladin) says Will is a cleric. Meaning this reflects how Mike actually feels about Will. In d&d, they have similar moral values, powers, and generally need and depend on each other in the lore of d&d. Paladins have similar healing powers to clerics, but clerics have stronger healing abilities - which is interesting since Mike has always been viewed as the protector. But to Mike Will has helped him (maybe deal with the loss of El and other trauma) , just by being there. And if Mike says Will is a cleric,despite Will still identifying as a wizard in s3, it shows how deeply Mike actually feels about Will. It shows he views Will as one of the only people who understands him and views him as a healing presence and his moral compass.

“ strength of conviction gave many paladins a sense of common fellowship but did not always endear them to others. In many cases, paladins did not get along quite as well with other non-paladin adventurers, with the exception of clerics with similar beliefs.”

“A Paladin tries to hold to the highest standards of conduct, but even the most virtuous Paladin is fallible. Sometimes the heat of emotion causes a Paladin to transgress his or her oath (of honesty, courage, compassion, honor ,and duty). A paladin who has broken a vow typically seeks absolution from a cleric who shares his or her faith or from another paladin of the same order. After a rite of confession and forgiveness, the paladin starts fresh.”

This proves Mike knows he treats Will special/different than his other friends- and unlike a relationship with El (they are still individuals who are not dependent on each other). And Mike thinks being with Will quite literally makes him a better person. Juxtaposed with how him being in a romantic relationship with El made him blind and apathetic to those closest to him .

- All the mileven s1 parallels vs byler s2 parallels were ALL initiated by Mike. If the parallels were meant to show a one sided love triangle (on Mike’s end). They would of made Will the instigator not Mike! Parallels can be watched here , start at 6:50)

-Mike initiated the “crazy together’ line- and in s3 he said ‘blank makes you crazy’. So subconsciously he knew the line had romantic connotations.

-Mike initiating the hand hold (with a zoom in shot) and in the show this is only done for romantic pairings. Also Mike being the one to initiate the ‘arm thing’ which is generally romantic. But in s3 , Lucas also does this, saying “I am spending quality time with my girlfriend’

-Mike saying, asking him to be his friend was the “best thing I’ve ever done”

-Mike constantly following Will around, asking if he’s okay or biking to his house to check on him in s2 . In s3 running out to chase Will to the garage and apologizing, and running into a storm to apologize a 2nd time.

YOU SEE A PATTERN! Mike is whipped! And is the one constantly chasing and pursuing Will, not the other way around! Before s3, people always portrayed Will as the (stereotypical- problematic trope of a) sad-pinning-gay in a one sided love with Mike. It’s like people didn’t even watch the show (and just assigned tropes/stereotypes they wanted, that weren’t actually there). Will (probably too shy or scared to- because of homophobic taunts) never initiated a single byler moment- it was ALWAYS Mike!!! If people were actually objective, they would of thought it was Mike who was the one pinning!

- Which brings me to Mike literally pinning! Mike forcing Will to dance with a girl (who has a rainbow hairclip), but you literally see Mike’s shocked expression like  ‘what,why’d I do that ?’ And after this, they show Dustin looking sad about Max/Lucas dancing and then they have Mike get into the frame (next to Dustin) and look sad when Will/girl are dancing in the same exact frame as Max/Lucas. As they switch between these last 2 shots.

the cannon Spotify playlists-called ‘Mike’s basement beats’- These are character playlists that Spotify and St worked on together after s2.

-his first song is “small town boy” an 80s LGBT anthem about living in a small town and being queer and bullied. Every band member was openly gay.

-his 11th song is ‘don’t you want me’ from a “celebrate your gay pride” album

* But queer people are “delusional” for thinking Mike isn’t straight? And are told to “open your eyes and watch the show” (that was an actual quote in the byler tag). Ok? Take your own advice, then! XD

One of the Duffers cited inspirations for ST is SUPER GAY (and what they based the byler dynamic off of).

In the Will comic, Will throws an old 1970s book called ��house of stairs” at the demorgorgan. And in a later chapter Mike and Will just read together at the library (just silently reading together, enjoying each others’ company-totally not a romantic cliche).And Mike warns Will the book ‘could have spoilers’ for the d&d campaign. Also look at this byler-centric cover :)

  Peter (Will) is shy, quiet ,initially a pushover, and gay-coded.  And as a coping mechanism he has psychological-breaks with reality where he thinks of his best friend from the orphanage, Jasper (Mike) . Another kidnapped boy, named Oliver (who looks just like Jasper/Mike) is also queer-coded (but a violent-sociopath). And, unlike Jasper who actually wanted to protect/take care of Peter -Oliver starts to gets a sick thrill out of making Peter dependent on him (which Peter catches on to pretty quickly). Oliver was insistent on being the only one to ‘wake’ Peter from his episodes (just like how Mike did for Will, in s2), except Oliver calls him pet-names like “sweetheart, baby, etc.” 

And again to prove it’s queer-coded I’ll read some of the (shortened) quotes, in the order they were written. These are quotes from Peter (Will’s) pov talking about his childhood best-friend Jasper (Mike) .  

-“his room. His and jaspers room.  Jasper looking up from his desk, smiling glad to see him. Jasper saying . Something very important. The most important message, the secret message.  He couldn’t hear him . But jasper keeps smiling , keeps talking . What was the message, jasper? What was the message? The dream had been beautiful at the beginning, terrible at the end, but he longed  to be in it again. If only he hadn’t awakened.”  

-“Jasper sitting on the bed and taking off his shoes ,smiling, ‘you’re okay pete, you’re better than a hundered of those slobs put together. Tomorrow I’ll tell them so myself‘ jasper’s strong, hard body as he got into bed ,so different from peter’s. Strong, to protect him to take care of him. Jasper, who always took care of him”.

-“He wanted to think about oliver it  it was like having Jasper back again. It would disturb him to see Oliver go off with Abigail… the rejection quite painful. It had never been like that with Jasper…jasper.

-The room they shared with rainbow colors, murmuring comforting words to him , enclosing and protecting him. He let himself drift into it, the rainbow hues dimness.”

-“No one ever depended on him. It was he who always depended on others, on Jasper. jasper, who had always taken care of him. Jasper…”

later he admits his feelings for Jasper to Lola/el. Lola and Pete are plantonic soulmates. The only reason why they survive and don’t succumb to their dark and violent urges/psychological brainwashing is because of each other. Lola has  brown hair and eyes and has a buzzcut and is heavily implied to be a lesbian (as she is the only girl in the group who is not fooled by Oliver’s ‘nice guy act’. Which makes the other girls ‘suspicious’ and alienate her). Also this was written in the 70s… she has a buzzcut and is said to “look like a boy”. It’s not that subtle! There was a reason that the author whose first name was WILLIAM (was suspected to be gay/bi when he was alive)!  XD

-Peter says “ he was my friend we were always together . Jasper his name was jasper .in the dream he’s taking care of me’. Now he was beginning to cry, his throat constricting and tears welling up in his eyes .’taking care of me … he always took care of me… taking care of me, and , and … and loving me’. ‘”It was the best time in your life’ she murmured’. ‘Yes’ “

* cough protective childhood friend, rainbows, ‘best time of your life = best thing I ever did.

S3 ending (byler centric ending)

When we first see Mike during the Hopper mologue, the moving truck leaves. “Like you’re pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night (d &d)”…  (the last thing they talked about was Will visiting to play d&d and their fight this season started because of a disagreement about d&d.)

Then Mike looks back at the Byers house (just lingers there and looks back as his friends leave) like how Will did seeing Mike hold hands with El and leave .  “But I know you’re getting older, growing, changing. I guess, if I’m being really honest, that’s what scares me. I don’t want things to change.”Mike , like Will “doesn’t want things things to change”. He doesn’t want his  his feelings of friendship to become romantic in regards to Will,  it “scares” him (especially in rural 80s Indiana). Right after Will cries,  it immediately switches to Mike hugging his mom- to mirror the time he thought Will died in s1 “So I think maybe that’s why I came in here, to try and maybe stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were.” He goes back to his mother for comfort, like he did the 1st time he lost Will. But also to reverse back time, to s1, before he realized his feelings for Will were romantic.  When things were simpler. 

“But I know that’s naive. It’s just not how life works. It’s moving, always moving, whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s sad. And sometimes, it’s surprising. Happy.” (byler endgame)

Will (in s2) even says everyone treats him like ‘freak/ that something is wrong with him’ (purposely leaving out Mike from the discussion). And then when Will disparages himself as a freak,and Jonathan agrees but asks Will, ‘who would he rather be friends with-  David Bowie (who was openly bi since the 70s) or Kenny Rogers’? And when Will says Bowie, Jonathan agrees saying “see, it’s no contest”.

So,  it’s just another coincidence that when Will ‘dies’ (in s1) a David Bowie song (‘we can be heroes’) plays. And as Mike hugs his mom, mourning Will -  a romantic lyric from the song plays during the hug?“And we kiss, as though nothing could fall. And the shame”  (which is heavily queer coded)?

And then in the last ep (in s3) Mike mirrors this scene in s1, hugging his mom, since he feels like he’s losing Will all over again. And right after the hug (‘we can be heroes’) plays again!?  I’m not saying byler is endgame. But- WAIT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M SAYING! XD

These men literally invented ‘hetero-baiting’ (with Robin & Steve) and you think they’re going to queer bait?!

Also, if Will was a girl named ‘Willow” no one would call byler ‘delusional’ ! Even the most casual viewer would say it’s obvious they’d end up together in the end!

If the witness said about El in s1 , “ same height… it could be the Byers girl”, instead of ‘boy’ (pointing out the resemblance).  Mike only meeting El cause he was looking for Willow. Proclaiming “i’m the only one who cares about Willow!” . Mike getting into fights and getting upset (almost crying) about the bullies insulting Willow. Mike only getting angry at El when he thinks she lied about Willow being alive. Mike being the only boy who has a scene dedicated to his loss of her (with the same romantic lyrics playing). Mike having a whole binder of her drawings and caressing one of the drawings, after he thinks she died.  Mike being the only one of her friends to stay awake at the hospital, waiting for her to wake up- so he can see her and hug her first. People probably would of started shipping it the second Willow stared at him and was the only one who didn’t lie to him, in the first ep! Another parallel to El!

If Will was Willow, the majority of the fandom would be byler shippers. Think about it! . Mike having s2 byler scenes that are identical to s1 mileven scenes, and then additional unique byler scenes. Mike staying by Willow’s side 24 hours a day for several days (not even changing clothes), carrying her out of the hospital, grabbing her hand (with a zoom in shot),constantly asking her if she’s okay at least 5-7 times, putting his arm around her twice, being the only one who could tell something was off with her (and it wasn’t her normal type of quiet). Calling and running all the way to her house and banging on the door to check on her, desperate. Watching her sleep cause he’s so worried. That shed scene reminiscing about how they first met in perfect detail, saying “I asked, I asked if you wanted to be my friend. You said yes, you said yes. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. (like a marriage proposal)”  The “crazy together” scene. Them being close since they were 5 vs the girl he knew for a week (but is somehow in love with?). In s2 if Mike sadly watched Willow dance with another guy , while Dustin does the same to Max. Forget it- everyone would already know mileven would be doomed to fail.

And again think about s3 if Will was a girl.They parallel the (comedic) mileven breakup vs (the sad/serious) byler breakup. Then Mike just complains and burps on the couch vs apologizing to Willlow multiple times/even going into a storm to apologize a 2nd time (and to ‘talk’). Willow having a breakdown over the fight vs El laughing and high five-ing Max after.The shed vs the pool shed scene- “best thing I’ve ever done” vs “you’re the most important thing in the world to me”, “blank makes you crazy’ (as El stares confused) vs “crazy together’ (where Willow says ‘yeah, crazy together’). Mike going on ‘movie dates with Willlow all the time’ right after making out with El. The last mileven kiss where Mike has his eyes open the whole time,  and doesn’t kiss back. And saying he doesn’t remember saying  “I love” you to El (and doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back). Right after having a talk with Willow about playing games when she comes back (the crux of their fight). Mike getting excited that he’ll be able to visit El and Willow on Thanksgiving and them visiting him on Christmas (those are holidays where family usually introduces their S.O.) Having the last scene of Mike,  be him looking back at Willow’s house, and have that whole monologue about “feelings changing”, and then he goes to hug his mom like the s1 byler scene where he thought Willow was dead, signifying he lost her again. And that’s not even all the scenes- and every time byler won by a landslide. If Will was a girl, we wouldn’t be ‘delusional’! It would be obvious writing on the wall, that Mike would eventually choose Willow over El by the end of the series.

But since they are 2 boys, we’re delusional, because queer kids don’t exist … apparently.

*S3-I’m not repeating my literal essays but they’re probably better than this post so here are the links to pretty much all my s3 byler meta.  (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

gif credit: 1st few have the name stark in the gifs, 2nd byler gif (found on wheheart.com- user dream_daisy, not sure if they also have a Tumblr , 3rd livelovecaliforniadreams, 4th &10th Cath-avery, 5& 6th unknown, 7-9 eggogorgon . Tell me if you know the unknown one so I can give credit , please.

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

Imagine:

Drive in movie date with Erik.

“What showing did you buy tickets for?”

You wait for Erik to find the both of you a good spot closer to the front. He parks the car, pausing his music that he had playing through his Bluetooth.

“Candyman,” he says while showing you the tickets for that, “And...Lost Boys.”

You give him a huge smile, “YESSS! You remembered how much I love Lost Boys.”

“Y/N, your annoying ass practically begged me every damn day about seeing it.” He reminds you with humor.

“Well, you listened to me so that’s all that matters. Promise me something,”

Erik looks at you before opening his car door to grab snacks, “WHAT?”

He knew it was going to be something that would irritate him.

“Can you please not complain while watching it? I don’t wanna hear all that.”

He looked down at you with a mug, “Girl, who you talking to number one, number two AINT nobody tryna disturb your movie. No cap, if it’s wack I’m going the fuck to sleep.”

You groan loudly like a child, “You’re so aggravating.”

Rubbing your temples you open your door to leave only for Erik to stop you with his bark of a voice. He steps out, walking to your side, opening the door himself. You roll your eyes at his dramatics but this was Erik being a gentleman and it was cute and nice of him.

“Thanks, asshole,” you kiss his cheek, “Now lets go so you can buy me some popcorn and candy.”

On your way to the consession stan you swing Erik’s hand in yours, uncaring that he looked down at you like you were crazy. He couldn’t stand when you did this but he never stopped you. The line was pretty decent, moving at a steady pace. The minute it was your turn to order, Erik pulls out his wallet, eyes focused on the menu.

“Can I help you?” A young girl spoke while scratching her weave.

“Yeah, let me get a large popcorn-HOLD UP.”

The young boy behind the girl was already filling the bucket before Erik could finish.

“I want my popcorn layered with butter.”

The teenage boy dumps the fresh popcorn out to give Erik what he wanted.

“I also want some M&Ms, sour patch kids, and one large soda with one straw.”

“Just the one straw?” The girl asks with a strange expression.

Y/N, being the defensive one, decided to reply for Erik.

“YES. One straw. That’s my man, if we can share body fluids then we-“

“Y/N,” Erik spoke low but with warning, “stop tryna scare the girl off like that. She only 16.”

“17.”

“Whatever.” Both Y/N and Erik spoke in unison without a thought.

Huffing, the girl with her claw nails finished ringing in their total, “It’s gonna be $20.89.”

Erik handed over a fresh $20 dollar bill with some change before grabbing his snacks and popcorn. Y/N took the empty cup to fill up. She mixed grape and orange soda together. Finally back at the car, Erik placed the snacks on the roof of the car, walking to his trunk.

“It’s gonna get a little chilly so let me get the blanket out.”

“It’s the fluffy one right? Not that itchy one?” You ask him to clarify.

“The fluffy one, Y/N. I gotchu, baby, don’t trip.”

You open the door, placing the soda in the cup holder. Erik opens his door, tossing the blanket in the back before entering with the popcorn spilling over in one hand and the candy in the other. You help him out by grabbing the popcorn, placing it within your lap. Unable to help yourself you start eating it, humming in satisfaction at the extra buttery flavor.

“Lost Boys starting in like five minutes.”

———————

Throughout the movie you would steal glances at Erik to see his reaction to the 80s cult classic. So far so good, he actually loved everything about it so far from the aesthetic to the music.

“This is real cool, Y/N. I think you just gave a costume idea for tomorrow night,” he playfully pinched your cheek.

“This is gonna go down in history. Finally you like something I choose to watch for once.”

“It’s only cuz I’m rubbing off on you.” He teases. He just had to turn the conversation back to him.

“I know I’m good looking Y/N,” he was referring to your constant staring, “Take a picture babygirl, it’ll last longer.”

“Fuck you, you ain’t even all that,” you point to the screen, “now pay attention.”

The ending fight scene played through and Erik was so into it he was shouting at the screen. He even cringed a little at some of the deaths and that made you laugh. He was so cute, especially when he was the most chill.

Once the movie finished the both of you decided to go for a bathroom break. Sadly you had to wait in a line to get in which pissed you off because most of the chicks weren’t even in there to use the bathroom. They were either fixing their hair, taking selfies, or applying more makeup because they either gave their man some “suckie suckie” or kissed during most of the movie. Once you got to a stall you groan with disgust. You covered the toilet with so many sheets of toilet paper you would think someone needed to help you from how long it took.

Finally out, Erik gave you a “WTF” look, throwing his hands up.

“The movie is about to start what the fuck was you doing?”

“You not about to play with me it was a long line and the bathroom was stinky and messy.”

“You had me out here telling shorties my girl got a sixth sense whenever some chick tries to talk to me and ain’t no stopping her cuz she got hands.”

You look up at him with a sexy smile, “Ooo, you told them bitches back off, huh?”

He shook his head at you, “Duh. You mines, right?”

Candyman started up the second the both of you reached the car. Inside Erik grabs the blanket, stretching it over the both of you while you lean over to rest your head on his shoulder. Candyman was always a fear of your since you were a little girl bout you haven’t seen it in years so you agreed to watch again.

Already you had Erik’s hand in yours, him knowing how afraid you were. He smirks, eyes still on the screen and noticing how jumpy you became during certain scenes.

“Are we gonna have to sleep with the lights on when we get back home, baby girl?”

“Shut up.” You turn away from the gore, “yep, I’m reminded why I don’t like this movie.”

“Whose complaining now? I liked your movie now sit back and enjoy mines.”

“If I leap in your lap DONT get mad.”

Erik half shrugs, “You say it like it’s a problem.”

Things went quiet as the movie continued, your hand squeezing Erik’s from time to time but you watched it all the way through. Once it was over the eerie “The End” in 1920s Hollywood script flashed across the screen in black and white.

“You gotta go pee pee before we leave?” Erik laughs.

“No, we can just go, I’m tired.”

He tossed the blanket in the back seat, turning on his car to leave. Luckily they decided to leave now before the traffic really started up. You ask Erik to play his music on the ride back, curling up in your seat with sleepy eyes.

“Aye, it ain’t your bed time yet. You still gotta do what you promised for me when we get back home.”

You look over at him with sass, “And what’s that?”

“Girl, some pussy, what you think?”

“If I can get that scary ass movie out my head then yeah.”

He throws his head back against his seat with a chuckle, “My fault, baby.”

“Yes, your fault.” You pout, “now I’m gonna have nightmares.”

“Not while I’m around, chump.”

“Next drive in, let’s watch some Romance movies.”

You knew he hated the mushy stuff. Romeo and Juliet was a must see and also Love Jones. You saw the Ad online for those movies at the next drive in.

“I should’ve never told you about this place.” He complains while accelerating down the lane.

[kurtty-drabbles]

Switch au

N/A: This idea comes to me thanks to some fanarts and some talks.  What am I doing? Honestly, no idea. But I´m doing something. BTW, this is a mix of Ultimate and 616. A new au here.

@dannybagpipesarecalling @djinmer4 @bamfoftheundead @muninandhugin

Her skin is wet, completely so. Her cold sweat covers all spots of her body. Boisterous sounds assault her ear-her eyes see unfocused and dubious figures coming near her form-  as the voices, sounds are still enigmatic to her form. Suddenly, a loud honk forces her eyes to locate a big van and a man - if her eyes have the strength to see something so bleary- and her eyes saw the crimson circle and can only reply. "w-what?" with such feeble tone cementing the fact the others sure must haven´t heard.

"Call HER now. We found" she can hear someone giving orders. Someone familiar. And she sees a form of a blonde woman-oh, she can see the logo of quartet fantastic. Is Sue Storm- near the circle and muttering something. She can´t hear well.

"Don´t worry....you´re safe...Kitty" is all she managed to get before she closes her eyes again.

________________________________________________________________________________________

(2 hours before)

One Kitty Pryde is forming a circle in what used to be Dr. Stranger´s old apartment- the man moved out years ago and never look back- and aggressive fixing the symbols in the view. And huffing in and out. She clenches her teeth for a moment and only speaks once the digital watch-the the only thing she brought with her- marked 00:00 and then finally speaks.

"I summon, the begin, not the end. I summon the harbinger of life. Venus, heed my call" Kitty repeats those words 3 times and waits impatiently - tapping her foot away from the circle to not mess out her work of art- until someone taps her shoulders.

"You know, I´m pretty easy to summon...no need to go so archaic" and there is Venus. The Herald. With her long fiery hair-metaphorically speaking now-her dress covering what it must but showing a lot of her skin and her smug expression. "So, little mortal, what you want?" she looks up and down to Kitty. "A new sense of fashion?"

Kitty ignored Venus. At least, this question. "No, I want to sue Zaorva for taking my face. She uses my face and does whatever she wants" and Venus does the only sensible thing.

She giggles. Flicks her forehead and then speaks. "You´re supposed to be smart...that is pretty much dumb" and Venus shakes her head amused. "You are out of luck...She-Hulk is solving a conflict between Pheonix and Galaticus...time is relative" Venus responds and shurgs off.

Kitty is not caring. "Then I want to talk with Zaorva." and Venus stops smiling. "You´re being dumb here...but" she lifts her hand as her once brown eyes change into something azzure. "what you know, Zaorva is also amused...ok, little mortal..." and summoning somewhat ancient staff- mind you, out of thin air- Venus pushes Kitty to the circle without any struggle.

And Kitty is down on the rabbit hole, so to speak.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

The beginning is never static. The Neverending is in constant change if you look closely. Nothing remains the same. And Kitty has no mind- a dangerous thing to admit concerning an Outer God and you- to admire the beauty of Neverending. Kitty has no mind to do anything but survive and talk with Zaorva.

The sky is in a greenish shade-one that seems familiar to Kitty and at the same time is completely new- as she´s holding to her dear life on something - something soft and squeeze. And her eyes land on an azzure tentacle. The origin and no end.

"What?"

And a booming voice responds. Amused. In higher spirits and all its attention goes direct to Kitty. "You were wanting to talk with me, right...here I´m, Kitty Pryde. Oh, right..." and the voice stops and Kitty looks to a version of herself- donning with something blue. Not sure if is a dress or a robe, and at the moment, it doesn´t matter- as a face similar to hers is speaking now. "Hello, Kitty. You want to sue me?" and she treats as is a joke.

(It isn´t? Humanity is a fun joke for some Outer Gods. Humanity is a great way to kill time for others)

Kitty let go of the tentacle-better not try to understand how Zaorva is- and summons her courage again. "Why you bless that union?" and Zaorva didn´t respond and Kitty continues. "Peter Parker was taken ...by that thing...why?"

And now Zaorva answers putting a finger-Kitty´s finger. And there´re some implications here that she chooses to ignore- making a silent gesture to Kitty. Kitty/Zaorva will explain. "Peter Parker falls in love with the Felicia Hardy of my dimension. If you think this love was caused because of her tits..." Zaorva never breaks eye contact. "you´re wrong! Now...let me answer some of your questions that height in your soul"

Kitty wonders if she can even speak against. Even if she truly wanted. Could she do it?

"Felicia Hardy of the dimension where I live is not human as you noticed but rather the void" Kitty looks even more frightening. "The void has plans to Spiderman...He´s not being forced to be with this version of Felicia nor will be hurt, again, he has plans for this version of Spiderman"

And she continues. "Spiderman of your dimension jump the interdimensional portal on his own free will. No void, no Felicia tempted him to do so...only his desire to escape the mess of this dimension"

And to conclude. "And why I use your face? Because of Katherine Anne Pryde...I was you a long time ago. I can be a bit nostalgic" and a cute smile plays on Zaorva´s face. "And if you want to sue me" she is obviously mocking now. "She-Hulk is dealing with a big problem with Pheonix and Galaticus"

Kitty gulps unsure of her next step. A tentacle shows up. Several.

"Not so fast, little mortal, while I´m amused you wanted to sue me...would be another one to my criminal file" Kitty makes a wtf expression even if she´s still aware of the tentacles. " you did something really dumb and I´m a bit disappointed as well...so, I´ll punish you"

Her eyes change to a crystal tone of blue. She´s smiling in such a serene way. "You´re bold, as you´re judgemental, brash and always look down on magic users...well, that´s a bit hypocrite of you, isn´t it?"

And her view is just darkness.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

And Kitty opens her eyes in a blink. So fast and registering how the ceiling facing her is not the one she is used to. This is not the X-men´s mansion. Not the old apartment of Dr. Strange and not a hospital. Where is she?

"Ah, you wake up!" a voice carries from above. She shivers thinking is Zaorva again- her voice is different from the last time- and her eyes land to the right to see a woman -donned from heads to toes with crimson- hovering in the air in a lotus position.

"Who are you and where am I?" Kitty replies taking a grip on her situation. The woman´s age seems lost to Kitty- either she has 1000 years, which wouldn´t be the first time Kitty meet an immortal, or she has a normal age- opens her eyes and slowly comes down to the ground.

"I´m the Sorceress Supreme of this dimension. Still Scarlet Witch, I fought tooth and nails to keep my title to let go so easily and my name is Wanda Maximoff. You´re Kitty Pryde" Wanda answers for Kitty as she didn´t know who she is. "and you´re in Salem, my house now"

Kitty sits on the now identified as the couch and looks around. There´s nothing suspicious on as far her eyes- tired as they are- can register. "What happened?"

Wanda clap her hands and took a deep breath. "Lots of things happen in the 2 days you were in a comma. Oh, I´ll come there. First off, Jean Grey, the woman who was sleeping with Wolverine behind Scott´s back and then sleeping with Scott behind ...did many bad things earning the wrath of Pheonix...the Firebird would have burned all the X-men, however, Jean in a moment of clarity decides to sacrifice herself in exchange to all X-men´s safety. Pheonix agrees!" and Wanda looks at Kitty´s face.

Kitty and Jean aren´t that much friendly towards each other, in fact, quite the opposite...but, knowing Jean sacrifice herself to save others is something Kitty isn´t ready.

"Then, Logan didn´t take this well and jump into a Vulcan. Yes, that happened. Prof X´s lies are exposed and people start to side with the mutants in the social media" Wanda frowns at that. "sure, when I took the mantle people to side with my people too...but that didn´t lead the Romani people to live well, not all of them"

"Oh...anything else?" Kitty asked and Wanda nods.

"Spiderman renounces his residence in this dimension and is living in a new dimension with Felicia Hardy" Kitty inhales loudly and didn´t say anything. Wanda carries on. "The Avengers as well X-men will never be friends, but, once Tony Stark is out of the picture...again, they won´t be friends" and now she lowers her head and exhales. "Magneto was killed in the most ironic way...a Jewish community of New York killed him as Magneto was ready to murder everyone, mutants, and humans for his view"

Kitty opens her mouth and closes. "I´m sorry"

Wanda didn´t say much about this part. "The Quartet fantastic located and killed Madame Hydra and Red Skull on the same day"

"And then...come to you. You´re either the dumbest or bravest soul I ever meet. You managed to get an audience with the Mother of all magic. What you two talk I don´t know and if you don´t wish to say is alright...but, you must know...." Wanda now narrows her eyes sitting in front of Kitty and level her eyes to the young woman. "what you truly think of magic?"

"I ...never liked"

"Well, congratulations, Kitty...Zaorva loves ironic punishment and now you´ve magic powers" and as Kitty lifts her hands Wanda adds. "You can wrap reality just like me"

Kitty shivers and tries to deny, but, as her hands glow a pinkish light. Kitty knew in her heart, without a doubt, what truly happened. "And what I do?"

"You have options, Kitty. You can go away and return to the X-men" Wanda doesn´t hide her disappointment with the X-men-was an Avenger thing or something else?- "and figure out the magic on your own...is your choice. Or, you can be here and I can teach you how to use safely without hurting anyone or yourself"

And Kitty adds. "I must choose now?"

"No, you have options and time, something I never had...and more importantly, if you want to talk...I´m here ´cause I know and did some pretty dumb things in my youth...you´re not on even top 10"

And Kitty takes a decision. The X-men have an open vacancy and Nightcrawler wonders what happened to Kitty to give up on the X-men- is how he sees it- to go to a magic academy. "Something fishy...and I don´t trust Scarlet Witch nor any Sorcerer Supreme"

[ninjakitty15]

Chapter 18: Spiderman With a Plan (Loki x OFC pairing)

May came back before Loki could teleport us away or Peter could even hide us. It took a bit of explaining and convincing to let an alien war criminal and a walking, slowly healing corpse stay but between Peter telling her we had in fact been staying with Tony up till now and she trusted Tony almost as much as she trusted her nephew, and me swearing they aren't in danger as Hydra doesn't want Peter, only me, she seemed to yield at the end. Loki then offered a better place for them if they didn't feel safe with us being around but the two of them turned down his offer, stating that if Spiderman's enemies didn't even know where he lived, ours wouldn't either. Loki then promised if that wasn't the case and they came after them, to have Spiderman find us and Loki would fix the damage for them. I had to look at him then, being all generous and gentlemanly when the world pegged him for a narcissistic megalomaniac war criminal.

"I kinda get the sense you were a bit like him when you were...a kid? I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with Asgardian years, is it like dog years? No wait are humans like dog years compared to you lot?" I asked Loki.

"What do you think I was like as a child that you see with Parker?" asked Loki in amusement.

"Quiet, eager to please, exceptionally clever compared to most your age there, desperately wanting to find your place, maybe a little bit awkward but still quite gifted though few see that last quality or care enough to notice."

Loki was quiet for a moment, probably trying to remember what he was actually like way way way back when he was a wee bairn but the slowly creasing brow seemed to imply I was at the very least not off the mark that bad. "Why do you think I'm like him?"

"I'd say more he's like you as you were here eons before he was. But to answer your question...I can't say how long I've been around but I do know I've been around long enough to study people and see details most might miss in interactions and reactions. When you're around anyone like Thor, you kinda have this aura of irritation, even though it's not him all the time, the kind of person who charged head and fists first into any kind situation, all about action and making a great mess. When it comes to interacting with someone with more wit, more intelligence, more analytical and less physical stuff, you're more reserved in reaction, more curious and intrigued. The same kind of qualities I see in you, you see in others and I know there's plenty of self love in that icicle of a heart you have, maybe not at first, but it's definitely there now." Both Peter and Loki stared at me with damn near identical expressions of something between "wtf" and "how the hell did you figure all this out, who are you?". "What? You think I didn't notice between the jokes and the constant commentaries? Just because I'm physically and legally dead, doesn't mean I'm brain dead too."

"You sure I'm not just rubbing off on you," teased Loki.

"I told you I'm not terribly fond of that action to begin with, it's gross. Also and more importantly, I find your lack of faith disturbing, as you should recall even in your ancient age, I was muzzled when you found me and I don't always need to use my mouth when calling the dead so..."

Loki was about to retort I assume but as he opened his mouth to do so, Peter beat him to it. "Hydra muzzled you?"

"Initially they didn't but when you're me and hoping they get so annoyed by your jokes and taunts that maybe they'll let you go because nothing else they did to me worked like they wanted, they decided a muzzle wasn't just for dogs. In my defense, I had been stuck in that cramped glass cell for apparently 5 years with no outside contact, I honestly don't know how I'm still somewhat sane after all that time alone."

"Well maybe it's because time has no effect on the dead, right?" offered Peter hopefully.

I opened my mouth to object but damn if he wasn't a mortal, Midgardian version of Loki always being on par with his points. "Okay, you win that round. It felt like a few months to me, color me shell shocked when I was actually told how long I was down there and how much stuff I missed out on."

"I'm still not completely sold on you actually being dead when you're walking and talking in front of me though," Peter muttered.

"Seeing isn't always believing, hun. Here, check for a pulse or any way to tell if a person is dead or alive these days."

"Then how are you here? And also, if you are in fact a necromancer, aren't you susceptible to being controlled by another necromancer since you're dead too?"

"Under normal circumstances, maybe, but alas I'm anything but normal so nah."

"What are you then?"

I gave the kid a sinister smile. "Pray you never find out because when you do...you'll wish you never met me."

"You can't be that bad if Tony Stark took you in."

"Tony Stark means well and is insanely smart but mostly just insane, I mean he did essentially invent his own supervillain with Ultron on Slovakia and then more or less help in making an infinity stone with Vision, didn't he? More recently though he gave insanely expensive superhero equipment to a teenager too smart for his own good. Think of it this way, Hydra wants Capsicle dead because he's too good to be made useful to them, nothing they can do will make him the next Winter Soldier. A good heart will almost always be a good heart unless the ones let into that heart break it which won't be Hydra ever, that's for damn sure. Hydra can break many things but a heart ain't one. Now take a heart that's not all good, one that has no strict moral compass or doesn't lean toward one end or another, that one more than a good or even an evil one, can be useful. They want me alive because I'm useful and now they know how to make it theirs through Loki. If they really thought their efforts in extracting stuff from me was fruitless, they'd kill me any way possible or at least leave me for dead or let me go even but they didn't as Loki can attest, I was still chained down and muzzled in a glass cell when he found me."

"Are you seriously trying to convince me that you're actually a chaotic neutral?" Peter asked incredulously.

"That is exactly what I'm telling you I am. I mean yeah I try my best to keep the peace and natural order between me and the others like me but look how fucking well that's going when they're either dying out or switching sides. I'd say I'd like to be more toward lawful neutral but then I'd be lying because lawful is fucking boring having to follow the rules so blindly."

"What's wrong with rules?"

"Nothing, they're just meant to be broken is all and no one seems to get that."

"Nothing's made to be broken though," Peter argued.

"I disagree, Reginald, pinatas are, glowsticks, karate boards, pasta when you have a small pot, those party crackers. Loki, can you think of anything?"

"Glasses or goblets for really good drinks you want more of, good riding horses that haven't been trained yet, new footwear, a lady's hymen," Loki continued.

"I'ma stop you right there before you get too graphic."

"You asked, don't get shy on me now."

"Shy? I'm sorry, have you met me? I joked about oral when we first met, how the fuck is that shy? I'm censoring you for Peter's sake as we're guests and don't want to overstay our welcome."

"Seriously?" squeaked Peter. "I'm sorry, you're trapped in some base and the first non Hydra person you see, who just happens to be a war criminal from another planet that attacked this city not too long ago, and you blatantly flirt with him?"

"'K first of all, back off on the judging, buddy, you don't know what it's like being trapped with the same ugly assholes for an extended period of time and wishing for a new face regardless of their intentions. Secondly, he's hot so there's that and just cuz I'm dead doesn't mean I don't have some needs left in me, a few select things make me feel alive again, he turned out to be one of them. Also, did I mention he's hot and he really pulls off the green god look in all leather and stuff."

"You weren't the least bit worried?"

"What's he gonna do? Kill me? Good luck, he ain't the first to try it."

"Okay, you are way too casual about being wanted dead or deader."

I snorted. "Very little fazes me these days, if I got myself worked up over every little obstacle I would be a cold mess and never leave the grave I crawled out of."

"Wise words from a dead girl," teased Loki who got punched in the arm again, this time my fingers didn't break but he was still made of solid ice so it pretty much bounced off him.

"I'm curious which of the two of you has more secrets, I mean Loki is kinda known for that kind of thing but then there's you who's been dropping hints there's a lot we don't know about you, you're just so casual about them whereas if Loki drops hints he comes off completely devious and cunning about it, like he's flaunting it almost."

"That's because Loki is the god of teasing," I mused. "In many ways. And he's had many many lifetimes in his old age to perfect it. Yeah that's right, tease me about being corpse all you want, but remember you're basically a cradle robbing necrophiliac for shacking up with a dead girl that's not even a fourth of your age."

"I might be over a thousand or so years old but between that being still young in Asgardian years as you call it and no one outside you and the Avengers knowing how old I am just by looking at me, that's not actually that much of an issue. Nice try though."

"You're over a thousand?" questioned Peter in shock. "How long before you actually get gray hairs?"

"I'm working on that," I joked.

Loki scowled at me then and shook his head. "A few more thousand I should say, might be different for me being a Frost Giant rather than actual Asgardian."

"Do you age at all?" Peter asked me.

"My body is in a state of dead stasis, it can't change or age and always returns to the same state of death. It's how I heal like I do."

"But didn't you say Loki's magic could undo that?"

"He's probably the only one that can at the moment, him and the wankers that stole some of his power to use against me. I don't know the specifics but I'm guessing because I'm a source of death magic and his is either exactly or closely related to living magic, the two cancel each other out."

"I'm still not happy about them doing that nor do I know how," muttered Loki.

"Like you said, that part doesn't matter at this point, they have it and unfortunately they know how to use it. We just gotta figure out how to undo that so I don't get shot full of rocksalt again, that shit stings like swallowing an angry beehive."

"I-I might have an idea if I remember your other powers correctly," Peter spoke up, looking at Loki eagerly. "Also, random question, which of you is actually more powerful?"

Loki and I looked at each other for a moment then both at Peter at the same time.

"He's been around eons longer than I have and acquired a fuckton more power over time than I have but the power I have isn't remotely like his so I'm not even sure the two are comparable, he built his up over time, I earned it another way entirely and not all on my own like I'm willing to bet he has."

Loki then looked back at me and I could almost hear the gears grinding in his head, knowing he had picked up more of the many hints I've dropped about myself to collect and analyze later. "Are you ever going to tell me the whole story?"

"If that's allowed but ultimately it's not up to me to decide that," I replied softly. "So this plan of yours, Pete, do tell!"

"Well first, Loki, would you be affected by your own magic hitting you."

"If it came from me, no, if someone else can wield magic like mine then yes."

"Then I got an idea that should work."

[itsabrendanthing]

I haven’t written anything on here in a couple of weeks. I have had ideas but I have been off my game a bit lately. Life happens and takes you away from some things. That is what has been going on for me lately. Life decided I wasn’t stressed enough, so it decided to throw a curve-ball at my head. A couple weeks ago, on a Thursday, I got this pain behind my left ear. It was very localized. Now I have had headaches start out like that many times. Starts in one spot and eventually moves to the rest of my head. This didn’t do that. It was just one spot right behind my left ear. I didn’t sleep well that night because of it. Friday was the same. It hurt all day and seemed to intensify. By the end of the day, I was miserable and a bear to deal with. That night again, little sleep. I couldn’t lay on that side. When I did, the pain got steadily worse. Saturday, same thing. I decided that if I was still in pain come Monday, I would go see my doctor. Saturday night was rough also. Didn’t sleep much. Sometime around 5 am or 6 am I was somewhat awake and vaguely thought something wasn’t quite right but I somehow dozed off for a bit longer. A few hours later, I can’t stay in bed anymore so I get up. I am exhausted and not fully awake as I go brush my teeth. As I am doing that, I noticed that I couldn’t taste anything on the left side of my tongue and I couldn’t really feel it either. Weird. Then I noticed my mouth wasn’t working so well on the lefts side. Ok, something is up. Since losing Brendan, I find that I pace a lot when I get stressed or I have something major on my mind. Sometimes I pace to blank my mind out. The repetitiveness of it helps that. The day we lost him, I remember walking laps around our in ground pool. Lap after lap, over and over for I don’t know how long. At the time, I was trying to wrap my head around what happened or maybe trying to wish it away as if nothing happened and Brendan was still with us. I remember pacing around the house, going from room to room in the darkness of the middle of the night. No lights on. No one else up. Just pacing because there was no sleep coming. Well that Sunday, I walked out of my bedroom and started pacing around the house a bit. I was doing a mental check list of what was going on with me. Pain still behind the ear, check. Can’t feel my tongue, check. Muscles on the left side of my mouth not working well, check. Muscles on the left side of my face not working so well, check. Hard to close my left eye, check. Fuck something is wrong. I walked back into the bedroom. Jen looks at me and instantly knows something is up. She says I look worried and asks me what is wrong. I tell her what is going on. She says we should go to the ER and I tell her I was thinking the same thing. We got dressed and off we went. Neither one of us saying it but we both were thinking I was having a stroke or something. Needless to say, I was worried. I am too damn young for crap like this damn it.

We get there and check in. Within 10 minutes they have me in a room, taking my vitals and asking me questions. When did it start? How long ago? Doctor comes in and not long after they get my back there. I have never been taken so quickly. Now that really scares the crap out of me. Shit am I in trouble here or what. The doctor asks some questions and does some physical tests then orders a CT Scan. They get me in for that shortly after. After all is said and done, the CT scan comes back clear. Ok dodged a bullet there, no stroke. So what the hell is wrong with me then. The doctor comes back with a diagnosis of Bell Palsy. WTF is that? I never heard of it before. After talking with him and doing a quick search, I find that it is a temporary ailment. Basically, there is some kind of inflammation that affects the nerve going to you face. They have no concrete reason for why it happens. It could be some kind of virus in the system, it could be stress. Stress, ha, my stressed? Whatever the cause, for most people, they regain full functionality of their muscles in the face again. I t can last from a few weeks up to 6 months. 6 months? Really? Ok that sucks but at least it’s not a stroke, right?!? They give me a prescription for a steroid to help with the inflammation and I go home. We go about our day. At one point, there was something my mother had for me and she was at a party close to my house so Jen and I decided to stop and pick it up. Now I wasn’t going to say anything to my parents just yet. No sense worrying them needlessly. Now at this point, it isn’t too noticeable really so I figure I will pop in, say hi, get what I am there for, and get out. Unfortunately, I am an idiot and forgot to take the bracelet they put on my at the ER. I am standing there talking a little to my mother and a couple of my aunts. Once me my aunts notices the bracelet and asks my what’s that. Ah crap. So then I do a quick song and dance that it was nothing. I had a little something I needed checked out that morning. Nothing major and then I said my byes and got out of there before any more questions came. Of course I knew I would be hearing from my mother sometime later which of course I did. I also heard from my father. I assured them that I was ok and there was nothing to report and that I would let them know if anything happened. Monday hit after another rough night. I get up and my left eyes isn’t doing so well. I can’t really blink and my eye hurts a but from being dry so I am guessing it wasn’t closing all the way when I was sleeping. Great. In general, everything on the left side of my face is a little worse than the day before. Now I am flipping out in my head a bit and I’m happy Jen isn’t there so I don’t have to hide that from her though with half my face not working, I would be half way there to not showing an worried expression on my face. I decide I want to follow up with my doctor and call the office. I can’t get in with her that day but one of the other doctors has time so I take the appointment. I get to the appointment and tell the doctor everything going on. The pain that has behind my ear that doesn’t go away. What happened Sunday. I tell her about how some one close in my family recently had an inter cranial aneurysm and was told it could be a hereditary thing. She checked me out, did some physical tests, asked questions. The one that stuck out was do I ever get numbness in my hands or feet which I do but attribute it to some back issues that I always have from working at a desk in front of a computer all day.  Eventually, she says it looks like it is Bell Palsy but there are a couple anomalies that don’t fit neatly with it. So she wants to send me for an MRI and MRA. She wants to make sure it there isn’t something more serious that could be causing my problems. One of the of those more serious conditions being MS. Well hell, that one wasn’t even on my radar of what the things it could be. Really with the pain I was having behind my ear, the worst I was thinking was tumor or something like that. Then there is the aneurysm thing but I really didn’t put much stock in that one. MS though. That wasn’t even in the wheelhouse of my hypochondriac thoughts on the subject. I guess the numbness in my hands and the numbness I had in my face put that one out there as a possibility. Now I was really rooting for “just” Bell Palsy. It seemed like the lesser of evils. Sure it sucks and the face that half my face isn’t working right, drives me nuts but it should be temporary. Up to 6 months but still better than a couple of the alternatives. For the last week, I have had constant pain in the muscles in my neck and face on the left side. If that is all I have to deal with and it is temporary, I’ll take it. It makes me feel miserable but again it’s better than the alternatives.

Why the hell am I putting all this out there? There is a point to all this. At least I think there is one. I mean I was planning on having a point. Or maybe I just needed to get this crap out of my head. I have been going stir crazy in my own head over this. On one hand, it has been helpful because it put a damper on the feelings of grieve. Funny how a good old health scare does that. That isn’t to say it has taken it totally away though. It is just that my mind has something else to obsess about right now. Brendan is still there though. Nothing ever changes that. In the quiet darkness of my not so restful nights when thoughts are pin-balling around my head, he is there. An image. A thought. A memory. I regret. I wish to see him again. Brendan is there. The triggers they are still triggered at times. Like driving down the road the other day with Jen, on our way back from a counseling session, and a commercial for the great pumpkin farm comes on the radio. Now I have heard it many times already or seen it on tv, this particular time though stuck me. It was a trigger at that moment. We have taken the kids there a few times over the years. The first time comes to mind though. And since that trigger hit, I haven’t been able to get the images out of my head. Becca and Brendan still so small. When they were small enough that I could carry both in my arms. Their little smiling faces. I have images in my head of us crawling on the bales of hay. Picking out pumpkins. Just having a fun time as a family. And for some reason, I got the image of Brendan in his little yellow hoodie in my head. I don’t know if is an image from visits to the pumpkin farm or not. But I do remember his yellow hoodie. I know there is a picture somewhere that matches the image in my head.  And I can’t get those images out of my head. So yes, my mind was obsessing and worrying about my potential health problems but my mind is good at multitasking. The main thrust was my health but the other side was images of my kids at a time when they had no worries and the world hadn’t yet heaved its bullshit on them.

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So a point. That’s right, I was getting to a point. My point centers around coming to some understanding relating to Brendan. Going back to what happened to me. First, I had the pain behind my left ear on a Thursday, followed by the loss of muscle control in my face and ER visit Sunday, and a follow up with my doctor on Monday where the possibility of MS came up. Originally the MRI and MRA was set up for Wednesday of the following week. That was the soonest they had at the place I was originally going too. Great so I have over a week to let that stew in my head. Good times. Lucky for me, we have friends that work at the doctors office and I have an awesome wife. She got in touch with one of our friends who worked to get me in at another place for the MRI/MRA on that Friday. I can’t thank that friend enough for doing that for us. Jen knew I would worry until I got the tests even though she didn’t know what I would be worrying about. I didn’t tell her about the MS part. And there starts my point. I didn’t tell her. I kept it to myself. I didn’t want her to worry. She was worried enough about me already. I didn’t want to throw that at her also. Her father had MS. We both know what it can do to someone. We watched her dad deal with it over the years. We watched his body deteriorate. To watch your own body betray you. To see yourself overtime being able to do less and less. Not being able to do some things for yourself. It is a hard thing to deal with. I didn’t want her to think about it unless I knew something for sure. The same goes for my parents. I didn’t tell them much of what was going on. I knew they would worry as it was. There was no sense in adding to that worry with things that were unknown. I just told them things were ok right now and I was getting checked out and if there was anything too serious, I would let them know. I kept things to myself. I wrapped it in the idea that I was protecting those around me. Let me worry about it, they shouldn’t have to needlessly worry. For myself, I told myself any of the possible things it could be were outside chances and if something did come of it, then I would deal with it then. Unfortunately it does play on you though. I was a bit of a bear to deal with for a few days. I snapped at Jen a few times which she of course didn’t deserve. She rolled with it for the most part and chalked it up to my frustration about not being able to control half my face. And she was partially correct in that assumption. It was frustrating and annoying me. The other part of it was worrying about the possibilities. But again, it was my way of protecting her. Is that right or wrong? I don’t know.

It does give me some incite into Brendan though. He was dealing with a personal pain. He hid it. He kept it to himself. He thought he could deal with it on his own. He didn’t seek help. He didn’t want to burden us with his problems. On some level I am guessing it was his way of protecting us. So maybe that is something he got from me. Maybe that is just something that we humans do in general. Is it right or wrong to do? It depends I think. Are you really protecting your loved ones or are you just trying not to deal with it with regard to them? Maybe it is a bit of both. For my situation, I think in the end it was better to keep some of it to myself until I knew more or had some definite diagnosis of something more serious. I know my wife disagrees with that. She thinks I should have told her so she could have taken some of the burden. I love that woman. Once I had my test results back and they found nothing indicating MS or an aneurysm or a tumor, I told her about the MS part. I still think it was better for me to keep it to myself initially. On the other hand we had Brendan’s situation. It was very different than mine. He was dealing with things that were overwhelming him. He was still so young. Too young to deal with what was going on with him. He didn’t understand it and didn’t have the right tools to combat his issues. He really needed help and needed to tell us what was going on. Keeping it to himself only hurt him. It made it harder and harder for him. Sure it kept us ignorant of the issues and kept us from worrying about his problems but we needed to worry about them. We needed to help him work through the problems. Ultimately keeping it from us didn’t protect us. It completely devastated us after losing him because we failed our son. Or at least that’s how it feels. Keeping somethings to yourself can be helpful and useful to a point. You need to know when it no longer useful. You need to know when the time comes to let others in on things and when seeking help is needed. Brendan didn’t know how much trouble he was in until it was too late. He didn’t realize that he needed help from us and others to get past the demons. He didn’t realize when you swing and miss some of life’s curve balls, that it ok to ask someone for help dealing with them. I wish with everything in me that I could have gotten him to understand that.

Life’s Curve-balls I haven't written anything on here in a couple of weeks. I have had ideas but I have been off my game a bit lately.