#she always buys me crystals or something spiritual

[snow-blower]

.

[junesaintfrancis]

"Mother God," the Ultimate White Thief [ramble]

I was aware of Amy Carlson's death when it first hit the news (and subsequently AskAMortician’s YouTube channel), and I laughed and brushed it off. I so often fall into the trap of simply dismissing cult-related deaths, of thinking, ‘Well, another idiot died and it’s no one’s fault but theirs.’ But I watched the HBO docuseries and was left feeling somewhere between disappointed and pissed off at the pandering they did to these batshit, evil, and racist individuals. 

FULL DISCLOSURE: I, myself, am white. If you are interested in yoga, meditation, or other non-Anglo spiritual practices, please learn them from people who belong to the culture from which they originate, and be mindful; do not appropriate from other cultures.

SECOND DISCLOSURE: This is a ramble post. These are just my thoughts and observations; I have not looked at academic literature for this post, and neither is it properly sorted. I may turn it into an actual piece eventually. 

I could talk about the mechanisms of cult hivemind all I want, but something else caught my attention. I think Amy Carlson and LHW is a fantastic example of white [Conservative] women co-opting [appropriating] Eastern spirituality for their own malignant gain.

Watch this amazing, in-depth video that gives much more context and history if you don’t know who I’m talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f81Az_2Fvek I won’t be discussing the history of Love Has Won; this is simply me pointing out how common it is to see appropriated Eastern spiritual principles within these Neo-Nazi white ‘spirituality’ groups and talking about why this phenomenon may be so common. 

I don’t think religio-cultural appropriation is always obvious, either. Yoga is incredibly mainstream (and there’s even a massive Christian population who bitches about it being ‘demonic’), and so is meditation; but both of these have been appropriated by the Anglo world from South Asian spiritual practices (and other indigenous cultural beliefs) with zero regards to their cultural origins. I mean, think of all the little plastic dreamcatchers you can buy at the store. Think of the growing popularity of “healing crystals” and how now even stores like Claire’s and Target sell jewelry meant to balance, or heal, or ease anxiety. These practices are beautiful, complex, and meaningful--and they are now becoming mass-produced, watered down, and stolen by some of the most insidiously evil and/or stupid folk on the internet. 

Conspirituality is the term for this. Not the appropriation, but the mixing of it with a conspiratorial obsession with alternative beliefs, big government conspiracies, paranoia, 5G, aliens building the pyramids, you name it. It’s especially dangerous when white people are the perpetrators--now, not only do you have someone stealing from another culture and using those cultural practices to actively harm others, but this person, in their whiteness, now has social power over the oppressed groups who actually own these practices. And it gets rebranded as “new age spirituality.” The new age spirituality provides a sense of community and panders to the Covid fears -- and pre-existing racism and antiSemitism -- and provides someone, or something, to blame. Thus we begin heading towards the antiSemitic point of no return. “We declare peace on earth” my ass. 

And obviously, Love Has Won is guilty of all of this and more. If you’re familiar with Amy and LHW, then you’re probably already aware of the time she went to Hawaii and then claimed she was [Tutu] Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of volcanoes and fire, and the creator of the Hawaiian Islands. She is clearly not afraid to appropriate whatever indigenous culture she can in order to build her facade of being a god herself, and it’s specifically her whiteness (and perhaps schizophrenia and plenty of drugs) that emboldens her. This just scratches the motherfucking surface. 

Here, Amy takes credit for her Chakra system ‘cleansing’ sessions (which may or may not include poisoning yourself with colloidal silver). Further down the document, she mentions opening your third eye. Zero mentioning of the true origin of these practices, nor their cultural weight.

This is the third page of her “5D Healing Guide” document. Not only is she claiming Chakra knowledge and healing crystals, but . . . I mean, come on. You can’t use Sanskrit and then claim the fucking practice. Also, nowhere on her websites nor ‘guides’ includes the Sanskrit words for the Chakras.

Like I said before, this shit is dangerous. The watering down of these beautiful spiritual practices and then subsequently claiming and disfiguring them is almost always tied to Neo-Nazism, QAnon conspiracy theories, and a rejection of common-sense medical philosophy. Why do white women in particular so often fall into this wellness-to-Nazism pipeline, even if they weren’t overtly racist before? It’s because these white folk will always fall into the comforts and power of white supremacy; and make no mistake: much of this ‘mystic spirituality’ is white supremacy. The power to take from cultures and claim it as your own -- and the immunity to criticism -- is also white supremacy. White supremacist spirituality isn’t just a spiritual belief, either; it’s a thriving market that is powered by racism and medical Orientalism. 

But still, why? ‘Buddhism and Whiteness: Critical Reflections’, edited by George Yancy and Emily McRae, has a wonderful chapter [titled ‘The interdependence and emptiness of Whiteness’ by Bryce Huebner] which discusses the emptiness and fragility of whiteness, the teachings of Buddhism, social castes, and their interconnectedness. Whiteness has no connected culture; it is a feeble social category. What ethnic culture do white Americans belong to? Most cannot name one. Rather than connecting with their ancestral cultures, white Americans often choose to steal from others which are closer, and those from which they have the power to steal from.

And, as I’ve made abundantly clear by now, this is exceptionally dangerous. White wellness culture so often leads into the paranoia, the distrust, and feeds off of the pre-existing racism that is ingrained into every white American. 

“It’s the same thing with the Jews. It’s like Hitler knew the truth…” (said by Ashley Peluso). They explain that the dark forces conspiring against them, the ‘Cabal,’ don’t have souls. This is rhetoric that has excused entire genocides of people. Have you seen ‘NPC’ dramas in spiritual circles? This is that cranked up to the max.

A bunnnnch of antiSemitic bullshit. The ‘Cabal’ is a common QAnon talking point; the Cabal are members of a Satanic, baby-eating, pedophile ‘deep state’ (and Donald Trump will save humanity from them??). Who is the deep state, you might ask? Well, usually it’s Jewish people. 

“Hitler didn’t want to go into the same banking system as the cabal. He didn’t want to join their mafia, so they took him out and they blamed him. They are the ones who bombed the concentration camps, created dysfunction, lied, faked the numbers, they did it to themselves and blamed it on them just like they lie about Trump.” Those are the words of Ashley Peluso. It always, always, always comes back to hating Jews. In other videos, she claims that Black people are “out of control” because of Jewish “programming.”  

Jason Castillo, the co-leader of LHW, is also on video saying the N-word repeatedly. He says, “There’s nowhere to hide, cockroach. A [N-word]. That’s what a cockroach is. An [N-word].” Love Has Won members also subscribe to the “All Lives Matter” BS, and claim that BLM is a ‘cult.’ How ironic.

And I won’t even get started on the racism of believing aliens built the fucking pyramids. 

And, finally: 

I don't doubt it.

[stellardeer]

Okay I'm about to be really honest and a little mean :/

I have always loved the aesthetics of like.. witchy/hippie/spiritual neopagan or whatever stuff, like fucking with crystals and candles and smoking a lot of weed and talking about the universe or whatever. But I have only ever been interested in these things purely for fun, I have never been very religious in general, but I just like wearing loose clothing and buying pretty rocks and pretending they do something because everything is meaningless so why not have a little fun with life, you know? Invent some meaning.

But I have hung around so many people in that subculture and I have just concluded.. that I am simply not stupid enough to be part of that lifestyle :/

I said it was mean, I know, I know, but like, I have had so many self proclaimed hippy/wook friends and I feel like every time the experience is just me repeatedly trying to convince them not to poison themselves or having to explain basic chemistry or basic physics or, fuck, basic fucking psychology to them so they don't hurt themselves or get scammed or make their life worse in some way while trying to ""manifest"" good things.

The last straw was my most recent roommate starting to get into that stuff and I was onboard and supportive at first, and even tried to join in, cause again, I just think it's harmless fun for the most part. And she seemed nervous about it at first like she had used to think it was dumb, and I was like "nah, even if it isnt real, whats the harm? It's nice to do little rituals sometimes even if you dont believe in them!" and the way we had talked about it, it seemed like she agreed. Until she started getting really into it and taking it way too seriously and she started buying a new candle like every week to try to do fucking spells to make her life better, which culminated in her leaving a fucking candle burning OVERNIGHT while we were both gone, in the MIDDLE OF OUR PLASTIC FUCKING BATHTUB and almost BURNT MY HOUSE DOWN (again!) And after that I had to sheepishly tell her that I was not comfortable having open flames in the house anymore because I had already had a housefire in 2020 and we lived in a trailer (a highly flammable box) and I didnt want to go through that again. (At which she huffily resented me, despite the fact the endangered our fucking pets and livelihood with her stupid ""spells"" that didnt even fucking work.)

So yeah, after that, I am just done, like I feel like I can't even entertain the people who believe in that shit anymore. I have known too many people who heavily judge people based on star signs, who can't make any decisions without a tarot reading, who get duped into buying snake oil shit that they think is the goddamn philosopher's stone??? Like sure, it's all "just harmless fun" until it isn't anymore, and you're doing tangible damage to your body or your relationships. Not to mention almost every person I've met who preaches about how loving and open and chill they are and how everybody needs to ride the wave or whatever always ends up being one of the most self-centered, manipulative human fucking dumpster fires I ever known.

Like I hate to call a whole.. genre of people or whatever stupid, but I have just not seen good things from this subculture. But also I feel like there is a certain type of person who gets really pulled into that kind of shit. In my experience they are usually formerly Christian, and spent much of their life Believing In Something really hard until suddenly they come to the realization that it was all a lie and lose their faith completely, but I feel like deep down they still have this desire to believe in a higher power, to believe in a universe in which you can ask for something and be granted it. They need an outlet for all that faith, so they turn to the witchy shit and the concept of "the universe" as a deity and I feel like 90% of the people I know who practice those sort of things are just essentially doing Christian rituals under a different name and format. Like the spell candles? Those are just prayer candles, they're literally sold as prayer candles, too, most of them have pictures of fucking Mary or Jesus on them. Or the idea that you can manifest anything by just.. thinking about it hard enough? That's just.. praying. The idea that we are all one consciousness and we can connect with the universe just sounds like the Christian concept that "god is in everything." Granted there is a lot of borrowing from other religions too and a common belief amongst this crowd is that all religions are secretly the same, just warped into different variations over time, but even that concept is very culturally Christian.

And I don't want to make the implication that I think all Christians are equally stupid, I'm not saying the reason they're dumb is because they are former Christians. Some of the most intelligent and well-rounded people I have known, who I immensely respect, were still Christians, and I don't think any less of them. Just wanted to nip that in the bud, so it doesn't seem like I'm conflating the two, I just find it interesting how that seems to be a pattern amongst the people I know who have been the most "devout" followers of the.. hippie/witchy/whatever lifestyle. Like you just traded your blind belief in what you were told as a child for your blind belief in what you think while you're high. 🤷‍♀️

[mistydeyes]

Hihooo!! I saw you did pairings and I wanna try it out :3

Pronouns: She/They

Appearance: Short black hair with slightly chubby cheeks. Pear body shape basically. Usually wearing military aesthetic, gothic, dark academia or witchy

Personality: I like to keep to myself sonce I'm a major introvert to strangers but I absolutely become invested in recreational topics (intertwines with interests). From what my friends say, I'm basically the mom they wanted and needed who would cook you the best shit evem on the first try. I'm a bit of a perfectionist who over thinks so much that it basically stops me from doing anything. I am also a people pleaser. I am also easy to entertain because a rolling spider could literally make my day) search cartwheeling spider)

Interests/,Hobbies,/Work

Im a violinist freelancer that is a first year nursing studentl. I am also a Catholic Witch since Grade 8. . My interests involve a lot of creativity, arts, aesthetic and typically anything within the realm of science, spirituality and nature. I write, I sletch and paint, I play the violin, I read tarot cards sometimes and I lobe collecting crystals, flowers and little cute trinkets. I love spiders, crows, snakes and cats (especially cats).

I think that's all? Idk what else you need

Johnny "Soap" Mactavish

How you met: Civilian This was the last place you would expect Johnny Mactavish to be in. But here he was eyeing the tarot cards and crystals around the store. He had no intention of buying them but something about the image of the cashier wearing a long black skirt and a top with infinite constellations drew him in. "Hi sir, can I help you?" a voice called behind him as he examined another deck. "Just looking for something, not sure what," he said and turned to look at the cashier who stood in front of him. He took in the sight of you in front of him, noticing how you were adored with crystal jewelry which perfectly completed the silver constellations on your blouse. "I can tell you that generally these decks call to you. Keeping looking and I'm sure you'll find it," you smiled before returning back to organizing the shelves. After a while, the man returned to your register with a nice deck and a collection of crystals. As you were checking him out, you commented on the arrangement of stones he had brought you. "Quite a collection you have here," you spoke and he looked up at you, "rose quartz, aventurine, garnet, kunzite, and chrysocolla. Looks like someone is looking for love," you giggled. Johnny took a few seconds before responding and blinked as you finished wrapping the delicate crystals. "Um ye no hen at home for me, just me and all these crystals," he replied and you noticed the soft blush on his cheeks. "Well I'm always here if you want to stop by for a quick conversation or tarot reading," you smiled back at him. "Might take you up on that bonnie lass," he said before taking his bag and heading out of the story. As he walked out, you didn't have the heart to tell him that he picked the most expensive deck, his total coming out to €95,62.

A peek into your relationship: "Johnny are you sure about this?" you asked as he led you into the tattoo parlour. "It's just some ink, hen," he said as he gently kissed your forehead. Prior to the appointment, he had you draw something that signified your relationship: a tarot cards that depicted "The Lovers." You put your own spin on it taking inspiration from The Lovers II (1928) by Rene Magritte and adding your own personal additions of flowers, crystals, and stars. As your boyfriend settled in the chair, you held his other hand as the tattoo artist prepped his bicep. "Beautiful work," the artist complemented and Johnny had a large smile on his face. "The best," he said and you blushed at the compliment. The entire 3hr session, Johnny entertained you with some random facts he had known and you laughed endlessly at his jokes. When it was finally over, you walked to his side and saw the tattoo. You marveled at how the artist perfectly transferred your vision onto your boyfriend's arm. "I love it!" you exclaimed as the artist applied saniderm to the area. "Good, now you can get one of my sketches on you," Johnny joked as you shook your head and laughed.

[littlesunite]

Rape And Sexual Assault: Self-Help For Healing And Empowerment

As the earth was formed, crystals were created. They come from an abundance of minerals found in the earth's surface. Chemical impurities, earth and solar emissions, and radiation have formulated an array of crystals various colors, shapes, and energies.

"When a disciple of my mom's who had previously been training a crystal therapist asked me to be her guinea pig, I had been skeptical. It sounded the odd but i wanted staying helpful. We all got there i laid recorded on the table and the practitioner laid crystals tiny body. She waved her hands around a lot, but she never touched me. Once you have decided which crystals you helpful for with. Cleanse and re-charge the crystals prior to working with them for the first time. To cleanse and re-charge your crystals, rinse them in cool water, pass them over incense or place them in the sun light only a few hours. Before you can begin using Clear Quartz healing crystals during healing sessions, it essential to choose or permit the crystals to decide you. Beans are known the realistic to discern which healing crystals always be right ones for one to be handling is to be open the vibrational frequency of urates themselves. Crystals aren't all you shouldn't and selecting one of a specific purpose it helps to be suggested. Like diamonds, cut, colour, clarity and size all make a difference. But keep in mind, a raw and cloudy crystal has just as much power to be a polished one, just in numerous ways. Perform little reading and find what you are searching for. Prone to feel just a little overwhelmed, remember the power of gut instinct!! Placing your hands on your belly, spiritually reach inward and grow to be one about your femaleness. Send healing love energy to and acknowledge the vulva. You will certainly find yourself becoming poised and forceful. Center yourself by holding your belly, humming your inner song. This straightforward daily ritual will aid you in your procedure. Then please tell me why a loving God would create something, use within various ways in manufacturing and science that is evil when used in healing? Can doing all this supposedly loving infinite being really create beautiful objects with vibrational qualities get been evil? Orange and red crystals also is great for the digestive system, Place these stones over the painful area and leave until it eases. We haven't touch on choosing your crystals. If you are wanting for crystals in a shop just like I said in part one, enable crystal choose you. Choose one that feels in order to you, urates you look like they're attracted to, this may be the crystal choosing you. Hurry be relaxed and find the time once you don't want to run away and off to an appointment, or collect the kids from school. Alternatively you can buy crystal chakra healing sets on line; we could have some the shop ultimately. Get to know your crystals, hold it, or even meditate with the wine.

[watching-ostara]

Review of The Green Witch by Arin Murphy-Hiscock

In The Green Witch, you will learn the way of the green witch, from how to use herbs, plants, and flowers to make potions and oils for everyday healing as well as how crystals, gems, stones, and even twigs can help you find balance within. You’ll discover how to find harmony in Earth’s great elements and connect your soul to every living creature. The green witch focuses on harmony, healing, and balance with the Earth, but also with humanity and yourself. This guide also contains easy-to-understand directions for herbal blends and potions, ritual suggestions, recipes for sacred foods, and information on how to listen to and commune with nature. Not only will you attune yourself to nature, but you will also embrace your own power. Learn about the world of the green witch and discover what the power of nature has in store for you.

I’m definitely more on the fence about The Green Witch than I expected to be. It’s plant and kitchen magic! I should love this stuff! 

And don’t get me wrong, some of the suff in this book I really do enjoy - most of it, actually. But for a herb and gardening book, not a book of witchcraft. And for something titled “The Green Witch” that is very misleading. The witch in question is described always in third person and as this unobtainable, mythological figure. She is better than everyone and the embodiment of perfection on earth and how dare you live in the city and don’t grow all your own medicine? It felt a little too condescending at times. And, like I said, it doesn’t feel very witchy. This seems like the type of book a mom having a midlife crisis would buy. You know, to connect with her lost spiritual side.

No shame in that at all, just not the type of book I was expecting.

On the bright side, I think this book serves as a good introduction to people who are questioning whether or not they want to continue along a spiritual path. It isn’t overtly witchy, no more so than some correspondences of different herbs and plants. It shows that witchcraft doesn’t ever need to be a religion and definitely not something affiliated with Satan. It is good at honing in on the message that anyone can be a witch. All that’s needed is a love for humanity, nature and self.

[kimvvantae]

puzzle; 7 (m)

➜  you and jungkook are best friends of a lifetime, even though your personalities are like unmatching pieces of a puzzle. the line between friendship and something more has never been crossed between you two - but that changes after a break up and a drunken night, when you not-so-accidentally cross this line to something much more. what happens when after this accident your non-matching puzzle pieces seem to match in a way you’ve never imagined?

pairing: jungkook x (f) reader

genre: smut, angst, comedy; friends with benefits au; college au

warnings: lots of swearing, a little bit of violence

rating: 18+

word count: 12k

A/N: sweet jesus it’s been so long but it’s finally here! this is the last but one chapter of the series. i genuinely hope you guys enjoy it and i reeeeally want to know your thoughts on it! feel free to leave a comment! if you feel i’m deserving of it lmao

enjoy!

➜  Chapters: check up masterlist in bio!

« playlist »

[bby bear]: where are you???

[bby bear]: you'll get late for class 

[you]: i knoww

[you]: the traffic is so heavy today 🤦🤦

[bby bear]: you should have come w me 

[you]: i need to go to the bank

[you]: i told you

[bby bear]: i could have taken u theer

[bby bear]: there

[you]: 🥺🥺 next time i'll go w you i promise!!

[you]: but i'm close

[you]: i'll probably lose the first period tho

[bby bear]: 🤦

You shove the phone inside of your pocket when you notice the pedestrian sign is finally green. The crowd on both sides of the avenue rush, everyone on their fast pace as usual. You're even forced to push some people in order to walk by.

Getting to the other side of the street, you stop in front of the building.

Tall as fuck. That cool kind of building with mirrors all over it, where only cool people wearing cool suits walking around holding cups of coffee on one hand and phones on the other hand talking business language kind of people work at. 

You certainly don't work here. You definitely don't have any stuff to do here. You surely are not close to the campus and you will lose much more than just the first period.

Seulgi will most definitely punch your face when she finds out where you are and what you're about to do.

You confidently walk inside the building, pushing through its glass doors into the pristine, modern and gigantic main hall. Your black boots contrast with the high heels all the other women wear around you. So does the rest of your outfit. Mini skirts and oversized hoodies are not part of the dress code here. You can almost hear their minds asking, what is this person doing here? The clanck clanck sound of their heels clicking against the marble floor is somehow pleasing, though.

You stop in front of the reception counter. A pretty girl opens a crystal white smile to you. Her hair is tied tightly, her uniform was ironed to perfection. "Good morning. How can I help you?" She chirps happily. 

"Good morning. My name is Y/N. I'd like to talk to Irene."

The smile quickly falters.

The girl side eyes her colleague that sits by her side. "Hmm… unfortunately, Miss Irene does not receive visits," she says carefully, still trying to keep her smile. "You must be mistaken."

You can see this girl thinks you're crazy. You quickly realize that people usually don't come at the reception and simply say they want to talk to Irene. But, well, what else would you do? You have to announce your presence somehow. 

"Irene is waiting for me. You can call her and ask if you want," you insist. 

The receptionist looks pale for a moment.

Hesitantly, she takes the phone and dials a number. You can still see that the girl thinks you're lying; she's probably ready to call the security guards. During her quick talk on the phone, you notice she's not talking to Irene, but with her secretary. 

You also see the moment her eyes widen.

She hangs up the phone and stands up, smiling widely again.

"Miss Y/N, Irene is waiting for your arrival," she says, and you notice the slight tone of panic in her voice. "Please, accompany me."

All the other visitors have to show their identifications and take a quick picture on the reception, you notice, but the girl simply ignores this procedure with you, guiding you to the elevator instead. She explains the situation to the security guard and he lets you in. The receptionist still looks slightly panicked. She's probably scared that you'll complain how the receptionist was rude to me directly to Irene, but you won't. Poor girl was just doing her job.

The elevator is big, too. It has a panoramic view of the city as it goes up to one of the highest floors. 

You always thought Seulgi was overreacting when she said how bad she sometimes felt for dating Irene, but now you kind of understand her.

You knew Irene was rich. You can recognize a Gucci jacket when you see one, and you've seen Irene wearing plenty of these. But Irene always acted so normal. Sure, she was elegant - and sometimes even arrogant -, but she was still someone very pleasant to be around. She never looked disgusted to be in your tiny but comfy apartment, she never made faces when she'd sometimes wear some of Seulgi's or your clothes when she didn't bring any to spend the night, she never complained to eat the junk food you'd buy for dinner. She was just… chill.

Because of that, you'd forget that she's rich sometimes.

Being in this massive building where everyone acted as if she was a princess made you remember, though.

Irene is beyond rich. Your standard of "rich" used to be Joy: someone that has a cool, big house in a nice part of the city. Irene partially owns a fucking company. She's so chill that you never even bothered to Google the company's name; you did this today to get the address, and it only made you more shocked.

Seulgi must have felt overwhelmed many times in their relationship.

But you're sure she was much happier back then than she is now.

You're used to their drama. They were already dating when you first met Seulgi, and you saw this cycle repeating many times. This time, though, things are not happening as usual. Seulgi is the saddest you’ve ever seen in these almost three years of convivence. Right after they broke up, you thought she was just being dramatic as usual… now you see that it isn’t simple drama. She’s actually sad and has been in this state for months. She doesn’t go out anymore, stopped doing the things she liked… she even got tired of Netflix. That’s probably the most shocking fact of all. 

Jungkook said you shouldn’t get involved in this, but you’re tired of seeing your friend being so sad all the time.

Their breakup was messy this time. They didn’t talk properly, didn’t make things clear. Seulgi is too stubborn to make a move (she’s totally lethargic at this point, both physically and spiritually), and Irene also seems too stubborn. Since none of them has the balls to do anything, you finally decided to step up and take action.

(Funny how you thought Jimin was annoying for trying to push you and Jungkook together, but you’re doing the exact same thing right now).

Well, look, you’re not exactly trying to push them into each other. First, you want to know Irene’s feelings and opinions on this situation. If you see that she has really moved on from Seulgi, then you’re ready to give your friend all the comfort and support in the world so she finally moves on. If Irene shows you that she still has feelings for Seulgi… well…

The speed in which she replied to your DM is a strong indicative of that.

The way her eyes glint with undeniable hope when the elevator doors open and she greets you is another indicative.

Irene looks gorgeous as always; she’s like a human version of Snow White. It’s kind of funny to meet her in her office like this. She’s almost like a female and hotter version of Christian Grey. 

Her ways of greeting you are polite and… hesitant. You understand why. She probably doesn’t get what you’re doing here in the first place, what you want to talk about. Considering you’re Seulgi’s friend, she must think you’d be mad at her or something.

“Why didn’t you call me, Y/N? My guests never enter from the common hall.” she asked. Oh. Common hall is what that massive hall is called. Almost like peasants area.

“I didn’t know.” you simply say, shrugging. 

“I’m sorry that we’re meeting here at my workplace. It feels too profissional, doesn’t it?” she smiles sheepishly.

Well… it does. You don’t even feel comfortable enough to move around her great office, afraid that you’d accidentally break anything (you’re sure that every little piece in this room is much more expensive than you’d be able to afford). 

“Come on, let’s go to the cafeteria. I think it’ll be more comfortable to talk there.” she politely suggests, and you just agree with her.

Irene guides you around the halls. This floor is less crowded, since only Important People with Important Tasks work here - and she’s greeted by all of them as she passes by. Their eyes immediately float to you, and they were surely asking themselves why Princess Irene was being followed by this peasant. 

The cafeteria in question is as pretty and neatly clean as the rest of the building. Soft music plays from the speakers. Irene chooses a more private table by the windows and asks if you want to have breakfast; you politely decline and both of you end up ordering simple cups of coffee. 

An uncomfortable silence lingers in the air.

"I… have to confess that I got surprised when I saw your DM," Irene speaks softly. Her eyes are glued on her cup of coffee. "It's been a while."

"Yeah." 

"How are you doing?"

"I'm doing fine." a hundred different scenes pass on your head as she asks this, and you know that you feel anything but fine in the moment, but it's not as if you'll rant about your complicated love life right now. "But I'm sure you don't want to ask about me."

You see a shade of pink flush Irene's cheeks.

"Well… I don't think it would be right to ask about her." Irene says.

"Why not? It's not as if you didn't know I came here to talk about Seulgi."

"But she doesn't want to know about me."

You're left speechless for a few seconds.

It's funny to see the two sides of a breakup. Because of their stubborness, they became completely out of tune with each other. Irene thought that Seulgi didn't want to know about her, when you knew pretty damn well that Seulgi stalked her social media an unhealthy amount of times per day.

You cross your arms and lean your back on the chair. Irene looks hesitant, but you see she's eager to know whatever information you may have. That's not the behavior of someone that hates their ex.

"Can I ask you something?" you say. It's funny how Irene, the owner of pretty much everything around you, looks so cornered by you, her shoulders shrinking visibly. She nods softly. "Why did you guys break up? I mean, what's your side of the story?"

Irene sighs and passes her hand through her dark hair. She looks out the window. She doesn't seem irritated by your ask. She just seems… thoughtful.

It makes you realize that, perhaps, Seulgi's not the only one feeling broken here.

"We're… different." she starts quietly. "I have been trying to keep this relationship working for a long time, you know. Even though we argued a lot and disagreed about many things. But…" Irene sighs again. Sadness shadows her features. "It was getting hard. Seulgi never accepted my help. She knows that money is no problem for me, and I just wanted to help, but why did she act so angry every time I wanted to help you guys?"

Oh.

You don't miss the way she said "help you guys"; she must be talking about the times both of you were struggling to pay the rent. Oh God. You clearly see where their opinions diverge. Irene has always been rich; she saw money as something simple, giving money to others wasn't a big deal. Meanwhile, Seulgi must've felt dependent and it surely hurt her pride. Besides, there were enough people saying that Seulgi was only dating Irene to get money from her…

"And there's more." Irene's voice becomes quieter, more fragile. "My family, they're… very conservative. It was already hard enough for them to accept my sexuality. They never did, to be honest… but they particularly don't like Seulgi, because she's not, hm, on my "social level", as they like to say."

Ooh.

This is more complicated. Seulgi doesn't know what it feels like; her family is very open minded. She told you that, in the beginning, her parents were shocked when she told them that she also liked girls, but they slowly accepted it. Irene, on the other hand… 

"They keep saying that my relationship with her will be bad for the company." She confesses. "They said they'd even accept my relationship, as long as we dated in secret."

"What?!" you gasp. "This is disgusting!"

"I know." Irene nods, eyes focused on the mug between her hands. You have the impression that you see tears welling up on her eyes, but she blinks rapidly to dissipate them. "I… I was willing to go against them, because if they don't accept my relationship, then they don't accept who I am. But… I don't know if it's worth doing this if I'm not sure if Seulgi feels the same about me."

Ouch.

You remembered the night when they broke up. Seulgi came to you, crying, and said that she was tired of being with someone that wasn't brave enough to accept her.

Seulgi, my dear… you know nothing.

You can see that to go against her parents isn't as simple as it sounds. To Irene, going against her family involves reputation, money, and the company itself. It's definitely a big deal. Seulgi didn't understand how serious it is.

And Irene is willing to take this big step for her.

It's your time to sigh. 

"Irene." you lean closer, staring at her seriously. "Do you still love Seulgi?"

She blinks at your direct question. Irene looks down, gulps… and nods.

"I do love her."

You can't hear any hint of doubt on her voice.

That's what you wanted to hear.

"She's not okay." You blurt out the truth. Irene widens her eyes softly and looks at you. You see guilt on her eyes as she hears this. "I came here because I'm worried about her. She doesn't act like herself anymore. She even got tired of Netflix."

Irene widens her eyes in shock. "She stopped watching Netflix?!"

"Yes." You nod seriously. "And she still loves you, too."

Irene freezes when you say this.

Now, you're sure of the tears welling up on her eyes.

"I…" she stutters, unable to form a coherent sentence. "A-Are you sure?"

You can't help but giggle at her; Irene looks shy, almost like a teenager - scared and excited to know that her crush likes her back. You feel your own heart warming up at the sight.

"Of course I'm sure."

A smile wants to make its way up to her lips. "B-But what do I do? I can't just walk up to her like this. I don't want to start another fight…"

"Irene, believe me. Seulgi will listen to anything you have to say, as long as you're being honest. Tell her about the situation with your family. Prove to her that you're willing to stand for her. I mean, if you're still willing to…"

"I am!" Irene exclaims in a heartbeat. "I am. As long as she's with me, I feel like I can do anything."

You feel yourself smiling. Irene's eyes are shining like diamonds.

"But you also have to try to understand her." You say seriously. "Seulgi is not wrong for wanting to be independent. She's finishing her studies, she wants to build a career for herself, and she wants her own money. I know you're trying to help, but you have to respect her. Also, I'm sure she doesn't want to be a burden for you."

Irene nods vehemently. "Okay. You're right. I get it."

She doesn't hold her smile back anymore as a tear rolls down her cheek. She looks so immensely happy… it's a delightful sight. And you can't help but feel happy too, because right now, more than ever, you see that Seulgi found something rare and precious in this world.

True love.

And this fact itself is enough to make you feel that coming here was worth it - even though Seulgi might want to kill you afterwards.

"But hey, Irene," you call her seriously again. "I'm doing all this because both of you stupid asses couldn't, but if you make Seulgi cry again, I will kill you. I know where you work now."

Irene laughs at your very serious threat. She leans forward and holds both of your hands. "Y/N, thank you so much for telling me all this. I will forever be grateful. If you need anything- and I mean anything- I will help you, okay? Anything!"

"Alright, alright," you say, shrugging, the slight thought that a millionaire owns you a favor sounding nice. "Now, you better go talk to Seulgi. I can't stand her walking around the living room looking like a zombie anymore." Irene laughs softly. "And… I said I wasn't hungry, but now I kind of want that waffle."

Seulgi looks like a very grumpy zombie when you meet her in the corridor.

"Where the hell were you?!" Seulgi exclaims. "It's noon!"

"Yeah, I know." you shrug. "The bank was pretty crowded."

Seulgi narrows her eyes. Her hair looks messy even though it's tied up and she has bags underneath her eyes. She's wearing the top of her old orange pajamas. It has an old kitchen oil stain over the chest. Seulgi from months ago would rarely go out looking like this. 

"What the hell did you need to do there anyway? I didn't even know people still go to banks." She whines. "I was getting worried, you know?"

You walk down the corridor with your hands behind your back. You're glad Seulgi is too grumpy to notice the sly smirk on your lips, the way you kind of bounce by her side in expectation.

"Always so thoughtful, Seul. You're so cute, did you know that?"

She side eyes you, the frown deepening. "Why are you complimenting me?"

"What's the problem with complimenting you?"

"Whenever you compliment me it means either you want something or you did something that you know will piss me off."

Sometimes you forget how well Seulgi knows you. 

"Jesus, you're too stressed, girl. I'll pay you lunch, okay? Let's eat at that Italian restaurant you like."

"When you offer yourself to pay for stuff it also means that-"

Seulgi stops in her tracks, completely frozen.

"Irene?"

You step back silently and hold your breath.

This is the moment that might end your friendship with Seulgi if it goes bad.

Irene seems to be holding her breath as well, her eyes round - scared, hesitant, hopeful. 

And they stand there, looking at each other. As if time has slowed down. As if there was no one else besides them in the busy corridor.

If this was a drama, you imagined that the romantic soundtrack would kick in now.

"Hi, Seulgi." Irene says softly. "It's… it's been a while."

It seems that Seulgi's brain is struggling to function. "What… what are you doing here?" the fact that she does not sound defensive or aggressive but genuinely surprised and confused relieves your chest. 

"I came here to talk." Irene says. "Just… just talk. But if you want me to go…"

"No." Seulgi interrupts her embarrassingly too fast. "It's alright. We… we can talk. Just talk."

Their eyes are gleaming and the ghost of smiles appear on their lips.

Your chest fills with triumph as you silently walk back. Not that either of them would even notice you anyway.

You're too far to hear what they're saying now, their soft voices drowning in the middle of the many more people walking around the corridor, but you still kind of hide inside an empty classroom, half of your body peeking outside of the door to watch them. They're talking and smiling timidly. You feel tempted to take some photos, but it's better not to. You kind of feel like an intruder watching them, even if you're this far-

"What are you doing?" 

You almost feel your spirit jumping out of your body when the male voice asks dangerously close to your ear, turning around in a jump to see the source.

Now you don't know if your heart is beating so ridiculously fast because of the scare of because of the view in front of you.

Jungkook looks down at you with a puzzled expression, his hands behind his back, his body slightly leaning on your direction. He's wearing a modern grey hanbok over a black t-shirt and slippers. His backpack hangs from one shoulder. His hair is half tied up in a small bun, curly bangs falling over his eyes. This is precisely what makes your heart almost fail. You've been wondering how he would look like with his hair tied up ever since he decided to let it grow…

He's got no business looking this good. No. Fucking. Business.

But you're a master of pretending you're unbothered, so you just point ahead at their direction with an excited smile. Jungkook's eyes look up to where you're pointing and his eyes widen.

"Oh!" Almost instantly, he kind of hides behind you as well. It's hard to ignore the warmth of his body on your back, even though he isn't close enough to touch you. "Did they make up? Are they dating again?" 

"I hope they will." it's weird how you're both speaking so low, as if they could possibly hear you over the loud chatter. 

"What if they start fighting?" 

"Don't even say that! I put my friendship with Seulgi at risk to get these two to talk!"

You turn your head in time to see Jungkook's eyes frowning as he realizes what's going on.

"It was you?"

"Of course it was."

He crosses his arms over his broad chest and shakes his head slowly in disapproval. "You said you wouldn't get involved!"

"I never said I wasn't going to get involved." you bat your lashes prettily at him, trying to give your best innocent look (unsuccessfully). 

"You damn gremlin."

You whack his chest. "Aw, come on! Just look at them and tell me it isn't working!"

Both of you look ahead again to see them smiling sweetly at each other as they talk. You bounce and giggle excitedly like a little kid. "Look, look! She's blushing!"

Jungkook tilts his head to the side. "But what about Jennie?"

"Oh, Irene and Jennie went out on dates, but it didn't work out in the end. They're just friends." you repeat the exact same words Irene told you earlier. 

"Are you sure?"

"Well, if she cheats on Seulgi, I'll kill her."

You watch as they slowly start to walk away side by side, heading towards the exit.

You jump out of your "hideout" and open your arms in triumph. "I did great this time, didn't I?!"

Jungkook chuckles and leans on the doorway, arms crossed. "Whatever you say."

You're an expert at acting unbothered, but right now it's really hard to do so when he looks at you this way.

He has a pretty lazy smile on his lips. It makes you feel hot inside and your stomach jumps and your heart races. His gaze is intense… but not in the way you're used to. That look isn't his I want to fuck kind of look, it's… it's… shit, you don't know what that means, but it's pretty intense. Why is he looking at you like that?

You just hope he doesn't notice how your legs are wobbly.

It's the first time you see him in person since two days ago, when he slept at your house. Two days after you had sex even though you said you wouldn't. You didn't talk properly about what happened there. To be honest, your brain still didn't process that well. 

Things are awkward between you two - but this time it's a different kind of awkward. A type of awkward that made your cheeks burn while you cleaned yourself and got dressed. A type of awkward that made you feel all fuzzy and warm inside, that made a silly smile grow on your lips every time your eyes crossed his from the other side of the living room, an awkwardness that forced you both to look away and try to pretend your cheeks weren't aching from the damn smile that didn't want to go away. A type of awkward that didn't let you talk about what happened - as if none of you wanted to talk about it, to just keep it engraved in your minds forever, as if talking about it would take all the magic of the moment away.

You don't hate this type of awkward. 

It's not uncomfortable. Not like what has been happening for the past months. Yet, you feel that you need to talk about it - to sort things out clearly and straightforwardly this time… because if the way he's looking at you means anything, then maybe… just maybe…

"I've got good news." Jungkook says suddenly (because he noticed that you've been staring at each other for far too long to not be embarrassing anymore). 

"What?" you fiddle with your own fingers, trying to ease the tension.

"Remember that director I told you about? Mr. Choi?" You nod. "He invited me to work with him."

Your jaw drops, your eyes widen. "What? Are you serious?!"

Jungkook nods excitedly. "Yeah. Well, I'll be like the assistant of the assistant, to be honest, but… he invited me to work with him on his next project. I'll gain some real experience, at least…"

"Are you kidding? This is great, Kook! What the fuck!"

You jump over to hug him, your arms dropping around his shoulders, and Jungkook quickly hugs you back. His low excited giggle right next to your ear makes goosebumps crawl on your skin. 

"I'm so fucking proud of you!" And you couldn't be more honest. Jungkook has always been so  hardworking; he deserves all the success and recognition in the world. You always thought so.

"Thank you," his voice is still low and excited.

He caresses your back. It makes yet more goosebumps crawl on your skin. 

Oh, God. He still smells like baby powder. He always does. You feel tempted to sniff the crook of his neck, just to take a little bit more of his scent, but you hold yourself back. It's not like hugging Jungkook is something new to you. Fuck, after everything you've done, hugging should feel like nothing. But for some reason… hugging him right now feels like a lot.

Feels awkward.

So awkward that you have to remind yourself that you're in the middle of a corridor full of people, and that this hug is taking way too long, so you step back before your brain completely malfunctions. 

"A-And," you clear your throat and put a strand of hair behind your ear, furiously avoiding his gaze. You never thought that Jungkook would make you feel shy like this. Shy and Y/N shouldn’t make sense in the same sentence. "When is this next project?"

"In two days. I think he decided to put me on the crew last minute."

"This means that he really trusts you."

Jungkook smiles sheepishly and massages the back of his neck. "I just hope I won't mess things up."

"You'll do great, Kook. You always do."

He lifts his gaze to you again.

That same look again.

You feel that everything is blurred except him again. No one else is in that corridor. No loud chatter. Just him and his starry eyes, looking back at you, eyes that smile as much as his lips.

God.

You need to sort things out.

You can't just stare at him with heart eyes like this anymore. You need to talk about what happened. This conversation feels awkward because you're both trying to act normal, pretending that there isn't a fucking elephant in the room - an elephant that makes you think of a mattress in the middle of your living room, of sunrays touching his exposed skin, of old pajamas being thrown around and sweat and soft kisses and salty tears dripping down your temples.

You need to know if he also felt that that morning was different. You need to know if he feels the same. Even if he doesn't - even if his heart lays with Yeri or Joy or whoever it might be - you need to know, and you don't care about what the outcome might be. You just can't torture yourself like this anymore.

So you inhale and gulp.

"Jungkook, I was thinking… are you busy after classes?" you ask timidly.

He presses his lips together. "Actually, I am. The boys and I are planning to celebrate the end of the semester tonight."

Mission abort! Mission abort!!

"Why?"

"Oh- it's nothing. I was just…" you can't think of any excuse. "It's not that important anyway. Forget it."

Jungkook looks at you with suspicion. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah! I'm sure. Nevermind."

He still stares at you for a while, frowning. 

"You wanna come with us?"

"No!" you shake your hands dismissively. You're not having this super important conversation surrounded by all of his friends. "I'm just gonna bother you guys. It's fine, Jungkook. Enjoy your night." 

Jungkook shrugs. He takes his phone from his back pocket for a moment. "Well, I gotta go. I promised I'd pay Jimin lunch."

"Alright."

You start to walk in opposite directions.

“But we can meet tomorrow, right?” You turn around way too fast when you hear Jungkook say, a few steps away from you. He looks hesitant, an awkward little smile on his lips. “I have some stuff to do, but we can see each other at night. After I finish preparing my stuff. We could meet, right?” He visibly starts to look more and more awkward as he speaks. As if his confidence started to vanish. It’s kind of adorable. “You could come to my place. O-Or I could go to yours, I don’t care- I mean, can I?”

Your heart is bouncing crazily inside of you. You don’t notice how you’re mirroring his awkward smile. “Of course, Kook. When did you ever need permission to go to my apartment?”

Jungkook frowns as if he just realized how stupid his ask was. “Guess you’re right. Or maybe we could go out somewhere, right? It’s been a while since we went out, the two of us.”

He’s right. All you’ve been doing for the past months is meet to have sex. You don’t even remember the last time you two did something that didn’t involve getting naked. 

“Sure, let’s go out.” 

You stare at each other for a few more awkward moments (awkward is a word you’ve been thinking a lot about lately). See, that’s not how things would go between you two back then. Neither of you ever needed to ask previously to go out. You’d just usually drag Jungkook out of his house by force when you deemed he hasn’t been taking enough sunlight (fucking Overwatch). Or Jungkook would call you at 3am because he was bored of playing Overwatch and just realized there was only expired milk and an empty box of cereal in the cabinets because the last time he and Jimin bought food was 2 weeks ago and he’d be like “hey, let’s go to Walmart” and you’d be like “what the fuck Jungkook it’s 3am” and he’d be like “but Jimin’s not home I need help” and you’d be like “fuck you” but twenty minutes later you’d both be on your pajamas pushing a cart inside of an empty Walmart as you barely register Jungkook ranting about how he thinks he’s lactose intolerant because he had diarrhea the last time he ate yogurt.

That’s kind of how things used to go back then.

At the same time you desperately want your relationship to go back to normal, you don’t really hate the way you’re feeling right now.

“Right, I gotta go.” Jungkook snaps out of it faster than you and nods. “I’ll text you later.”

“Okay.”

Again, you turn around and start to walk in opposite directions. Slowly. Hesitantly. Because both of you know you don't want to go. Both of you know you still have a lot to talk about.

But maybe later.

[bby bear]: i kinda want to kill you rn but

[bby bear]: thank u so fcking much

[bby bear]: ily

[bby bear]: bitch

You're smiling so hard that your cheeks might probably start to ache. If Seulgi texted you this, it means things went really well with Irene. 

The chatter in the dining hall is nothing but background noise on your ears as you scroll down your boring Instagram feed, the plate just half eaten in front of you. You’re not really hungry. Maybe the stress of studying for finals messed your stomach. The hell’s finally over, at least, and you’re sure that your grades won’t be that bad (Seulgi didn’t want to do anything, but you at least convinced her to study with you. That’s the only thing that got her out of her bedroom. Her zombie state was kinda the reason why you studied so hard). 

Some text notifications pop on your screen, but you just swipe them away since none of them are from the person you’re waiting for. All of your friends are planning to go out tonight and some of them are asking if you want to go. No, you don’t. Honestly, you’ve not been feeling yourself these days. Past you would always be up to a party. Past you wouldn’t be having lunch alone in the dining hall - honestly though, you don’t even mind being by yourself. Nothing would make you feel emptier right now than being surrounded by random people. Just one person matters at the moment-

“Hi.”

You almost drop the phone inside the plate when you look up to see who just sat in front of you.

Joy.

Your throat feels suddenly bitter. You have to gulp.

“Jesus, I didn’t even notice you come,” you inhale and chuckle. “How you doing, Joy?”

Joy smiles. “I’m fine.”

She’s lying.

There’s something in the way she looks at you and in the way her smile looks plastic-fake that makes you shiver.

It makes you think that she didn’t even want to be here.

Well, you don’t know about her, but you certainly feel uncomfortable right now. You can’t lie that you’ve been feeling kind of guilty these days because you’ve been fucking the guy she likes in secret, but a big fat load of guilt hit you especially after two days ago. Joy went on a date with Jungkook and barely a few hours later you had him inside of you. And, of course, you had rough sex with him inside of her bathroom. All the while you knew Joy liked him and encouraged her to be with him-

Wow, it’s getting hard to look at her right now. 

You really are a bitch. In the beginning you didn’t feel bad because you stupidly assumed there weren’t feelings involved. It was just friends with benefits, right? You even agreed that you could have sex with other people. If Jungkook started dating Joy, of course you’d stop doing it. Also, there was nothing between you two. You didn’t even feel jealousy.

Things changed, though, and at some point you genuinely started to hate this poor girl for breathing around Jungkook. And now you feel guilty because you realized that you like the guy that she told you she had a crush on months ago.

I took a shower this morning, so why do I feel so dirty right now?

A shiver runs down your spine.

The way she’s looking at you… what if she knows-?

“I’m throwing a party tonight,” she says suddenly. “To celebrate the end of the semester. You wanna come?”

You’ve been fucking the guy she likes for months and there she is, being nice and inviting you to her party. You really are a fake ass bitch-

“O-Oh.” You rub the back of your neck. “I, uhm… thanks, Joy, but I’m not feeling very well today. I just feel like sleeping, to be honest.” You chuckle sheepishly again. 

Joy nods. “Alright.”

She doesn’t insist. It looks like she doesn’t even care. As if she’s just being polite.

In fact, it kind of looks that she’s relieved that you said no-

“So, how was your date with Taehyung?” She changes the topic quickly. “We didn’t even talk about it.”

Right. She’s talking about the person you don’t even want to think about because there’s only so much guilt one person can feel at once. 

“It was fun.” You say. “We had a lot of fun.”

It sounds stupid, the way you can’t even articulate your date with him. You’re not lying - you had fun… kind of. 

“Are you dating him now?”

Okay, this is getting strange. Not the question, but the way she asked. You’re 100% sure she’s annoyed by something, and honestly looks uninterested in your current state with Taehyung right now, so why is she asking anyway? 

“No, we’re not.” You admit. 

Joy stares at you in silence as if she’s waiting for you to say something more, but you say nothing else. Joy then nods. This is getting very uncomfortable.

You feel that she’s about to leave, so you pick up the courage to speak again. She touched this topic anyway.

You know it’s wrong to ask. You shouldn’t. But you’re so curious that you can’t help.

“A-And, uhm… what about you and Jungkook? How was your date?” you try so hard to pretend you’re not dying curious to know.

Joy stares at you in silence again. She isn’t smiling.

“He didn’t tell you?”

What? Is there something to tell?!

“No. Jungkook’s kinda private about this type of thing,” you’re lying, of course, because even if Jungkook didn’t want to, you’d usually annoy him with questions about his dates so hard that he’d end up telling everything that happened.

Joy looks away and quirks one eyebrow. “Oh. I assumed he would have since you guys are so close.”

The way she says so close bothers you.

It’s her turn to rub the back of her neck, her eyes glued on the table - only she doesn’t look nervous. Yeah, she’s annoyed. Joy takes so long to talk that you’re about to repeat your question, but she finally speaks:

“We also had fun. Jungkook really is a sweet guy, right? He did nothing wrong. He’s so polite that it ended up annoying me, honestly. More polite than I would have wanted him to be…” Hah, so they didn’t fuck! Great! “Well, he dropped me home and I invited him to spend the night and all, but… He was very polite. He apologized a lot and said that he couldn’t stay…”

Joy licks her lips. Why the dramatic pause? Say it already, come on!

“He’s also a very honest guy, right?” She chuckled, but she clearly didn’t think it was funny. “He said that he thought I was an amazing person, but things wouldn’t go further than this because…”

For the first time, Joy lifts her gaze and looks at you.

“Because he already had feelings for someone else.”

You’re honestly not breathing anymore.

Joy is watching you very carefully. You’re as stiff as a board.

“Not a fun way to finish a date, right?” She says and chuckles, again, it’s clear she isn’t happy at all. “Anyways, I have to go now. Bye.” 

She gets up and walks away before you can even say anything, as if this conversation was being unbearable for her.

Meanwhile, you just sit there. Frozen. Breathless.

He said things wouldn’t go further than this.

Your throat feels very dry out of sudden. Very, very dry and coarse, as if you’ve eaten sand. 

Because…

You take the water bottle from over the table and drink it in one big, big gulp, until the bottle is empty and your shaking fingers crushed the fragile pet bottle.

He already had feelings for someone else.

You get up and take the tray so fast that you almost drop everything.

Your movements are fast as you walk out of the busy dining hall, your heart beating loudly on your ribcage, your breathing irregular and your mind working at 200 km/h.

He already had feelings for someone else.

He told Joy this. He dropped her home and told her the truth. He apologized. He… he said he already had feelings for someone else. Jesus Christ. Your heart is beating so fast it feels like it’s going to stop anytime soon.

He- He-

He might be talking about Yeri, a little, hesitant voice inside your mind whispers. Well… sure. You’ve been suspecting it for a good while. But… after Jungkook dropped Joy home and said this he-

He went to your apartment.

He went to you.

You feel the need to stop walking and lean on the corridor’s wall. The world around you is blurred.

What is this feeling bubbling up in your chest? A feeling so strong that it’s almost spilling over? This thing that makes you open the widest smile you ever opened and makes you want to jump around the corridor like crazy?

He came to me. He came to me. He came to me. He came to me.

He came to me!

But-

But there’s still the Yeri possibility. 

You need to know the truth. To hear him say it, and you can’t wait another day - not anymore.

You take your phone from your bag and type with shaking fingers.

[you]: hey

[you]: can we meet today?

[you]: i really need to talk to you

Jeon Jungkook is a simp. 

He doesn’t like this word. He thinks it’s annoying how people would call a guy a simp just because he’s treating a girl with minimal decency. 

But, like. He’s a simp. He knows he is. He took a long time to admit this, but lately his pride has been already so crushed and stepped on by a particular pair of feet that he can’t even bring himself to feel anything anymore.

Actually, no. He has been feeling like shit for a long time. It’s just the alcohol anesthetizing him right now.

That’s just his second bottle of beer and he already feels kind of dizzy. It’s been a while since he last drank alcohol, that’s probably why his resistance feels weak. He makes a mental reminder to not drink too much. Jungkook knows that he gets really talkative when he’s drunk and he always ends up saying stuff he shouldn’t - and today especially he can’t end up saying stuff he shouldn’t with that guy around.

If he knew Taehyung would be here too, Jungkook wouldn’t have come. Yes, he knows he’s being childish. He knows he’s angry at someone that didn’t do anything wrong, he knows that jealousy is bad, he knows that technically he is wrong because he’s been dicking down the girl that he knew his friend liked. He knows all that, alright?!

Jungkook throws his head back and sighs, passing his hand through his hair. A chilling night breeze touches his cheeks; since the inside of the bar was already full and they were too many, everyone decided to sit on the outside part of the bar. Jungkook hasn’t been paying attention to anything anyone around him was saying and neither was he interested. He thought that coming here would make him forget about the things that have been troubling him, but in the end he’s just thinking more about them.

I could excuse myself and go home. He thought. I have a lot of things to do anyway. I wouldn’t be lying.

He feels a hand rest on his shoulder and looks at Jimin, sitting on a chair by his side. The look on Jimin’s face already says everything. Jungkook sometimes thinks that Jimin has telepathic superpowers; how does he always know what’s going on before anyone even says anything?

“You alright?” Jimin asks in a low tone, careful not to call anyone’s attention. The younger one nods.

“Yeah.”

“You’re lying.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you drunk?”

“I’m not.” Jungkook reassures. 

Taehyung laughs loudly from across the table and both of them end up looking at him. Jimin looks back at Jungkook. 

Jimin sighs. “You know you can go home if you want to.”

“Yeah.”

Jimin rolls his eyes. “Just… don’t do anything stupid.”

Jungkook looks at Jimin and sips a bit more of the beer slowly.

“Yeah.”

Jimin smacks his shoulder and goes back to his previous conversation with Hoseok.

How Jimin always seems to know what’s going on… it annoys Jungkook a lot. He wasn’t supposed to know anything. It’s not like Jungkook told him about his feelings, Jimin just… realized. They were doing grocery shopping one day and Jungkook mentioned how last time he went to Walmart you told him that the diarrhea he had wasn’t because he was lactose intolerant but because the yogurt was expired and then Jimin turned around and simply said:

“You like her, right?”

And Jungkook gasped.

Jimin smirked knowingly and just kept pushing the cart. He said nothing else - but it was as if Jungkook had just confessed his deepest feelings right there.

This happened a little bit after Jungkook and Yeri broke up and kind of made him feel offended. How could Jimin say he liked you? He hadn’t even gotten over Yeri, Jimin knew very well. However, it seems that Jimin is not only a telepath, he can also see the future, because he couldn’t be more right.

If Jungkook’s being honest with himself, some months ago he wasn’t really really sure about what he felt about you. As the “Yeri” scar started to heal he got more aware of his own feelings and actions towards you, but it was hard to sort things out because he was always in denial. That desire to hold you close and hug you and take care of you and not let anyone hurt you anymore? Well, that was just his protective side. You have always been one of his dearest people. Jungkook also knew that he had a little possessive side. He was sure that this feeling would eventually vanish.

Maybe he was also frightened because he knew it wasn’t reciprocal. You never even looked at him in a way that might mean you felt something else for him. He wasn’t going to confess something he wasn’t sure of to someone that definitely didn’t feel anything for him and destroy a life-long friendship.

But oh boy, how things have changed.

They changed the moment you hopped on his lap that night inside his car. Jesus, that first week was hell for Jungkook. He was trying so, so hard to forget the messy drunken memories of his night with you - especially because, the moment he woke up and saw the pure face of terror on your face when you realized what just happened, he thought of how much you regretted that and all of his hopes died right there - the hopes that maybe, just maybe, you could be more than friends.

Yet, he got to taste you again. Two times were all it took to get him addicted.

He couldn’t stop anymore - and it hurt him much more than he would like to admit. He felt that he was being used, even though he let you do it (and he enjoyed it every time, not gonna lie). He felt worthless, he felt angry at himself because he couldn’t stop and because you were so, so fucking stupid, so fucking blind, he felt sad because he watched as your friendship started to slowly die down, and now he feels jealous and guilty because he’s been seeing how Taehyung likes you - how Taehyung even asked him advice to ask you out - and he didn’t stop fucking you anyway.

That day at Joy’s house? It was ridiculous. Jungkook still doesn’t understand what the fuck happened to him, why he felt so angry. Perhaps he was finally getting tired of how dumb you are, how you can’t see what’s right in front of your face. 

Just thinking about you hurts now. And Jungkook thinks about you a lot. There he is, surrounded by his friends, where he should be talking and having fun, but he’s too busy thinking about you. In two days he’ll start working for Mr. Choi, his first real job. He should be thinking about it. Not about you.

He can’t stop thinking about your flustered face.

You don’t look flustered that often. Especially not around him. 

He thinks this is very intriguing.

What hurt him the most in all this - the thing that made him feel like a piece of shit more than anything - is that he knows you too damn well and he knew that it was never special to you. To you it was just sex, it was just fun; whenever your lips touched you never felt like you were being swept off your feet like he did, whenever you touched him you didn’t feel like just then, in that moment, everything was right - as if the Universe was only created for that specific moment to happen, as if the Universe was expectantly waiting for the moment his fingers ran on your skin freely since the very beginning.

He never felt like this with anyone else. No other pussy has ever made him feel this poetic. 

The fact that Jungkook knew you didn’t feel the same was exactly why he couldn’t stop; this would be the closest he’d ever be from you in that sense - and honestly, after he tasted you, he didn’t want to go back to stage one. You were like a drug. You brought him comfort, you brought him bliss. Having sex with you became somehow of a escapist method. But, just like every drug, you started to make him feel sick… so sick that he couldn’t stand to be around you when you weren’t fucking. 

He drifted away.

God, he even stupidly tried to move on, but Joy was a foolish try. Jungkook felt bad for using her like this - even though he never even kissed her, he felt that he was fooling her anyway. Going on that date with Joy made everything worse, because he was with that gorgeous, intelligent and lovely girl, but he couldn’t feel anything but fucking empty.

He also realized that you couldn’t be his drug anymore. You deserved much more than that. That’s why he drove all the way to your apartment like a magnet. He preferred to go back to stage one if necessary, if it meant that he could be around you without feeling like a worthless piece of shit anymore.

Of course - things didn’t work out that way.

But that morning- it was different.

Jungkook has to sip more of his beer just thinking about it.

It was different.

It was… quiet, very quiet. Much more quieter than he was used to. And much closer than he ever remembered. 

All the times he had sex with you - his body was being pleased, but his soul felt hurt. This time, though, he felt that his whole self was being healed. You didn’t feel like a drug. You felt like a cure.

As if you were connected in somehow of a deeper way.

As if this time, it wasn’t one-sided on his part.

Jungkook can’t stop thinking about it. His pessimistic side tried to convince him that he was being delusional or dramatic (he has this tendency to overthink anyways) and maybe he was, but, again… you don’t usually act flustered, especially not around him. And you’ve been looking flustered around him for quite some now, even before that morning. Sure, your friendship became uncomfortable at some point and he realized that none of you knew how to act around each other anymore, but still… 

What about that time you saw a picture of Yeri on his computer?

You looked very, very awkward.

Or how you sometimes seemed bothered when Joy was around. You teased him a lot at that pool party. Jungkook knew you could get kinda kinky sometimes (he knew you liked the thrill of possibly being caught), but that felt like too much even for you.

His pessimistic side once again tried to convince him that he was seeing things. You wouldn’t be acting jealous. You were never jealous of him with any girl. Never. You even encouraged him to be with Joy, right?

What if… what if maybe, just maybe…?

Stop getting your hopes too high, his pessimistic side scolded. You look stupid.

I’ve been looking stupid for a goddamn long time, Jungkook thinks back. His pessimistic side looks back at him with disdain.

Jungkook frowns and looks at the bottle of beer on his hand. This is just regular beer, right? He surely isn’t so drunk that he’s already arguing with himself.

I should probably go home.

Or…

He could go to your home.

You wanted to talk to him earlier today. You looked very hesitant - again, very uncharacteristic of you. It felt like it was something important. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind if he knocked on your door unannounced - wait, you never cared. At least when your relationship didn’t involve rough sex. I mean- you didn’t mind not even when you started fucking, to be honest.

Why do I feel so nervous? I’ve never felt nervous over such a stupid thing. I mean, she’s the same dumbass I’ve known my whole life.

You’re probably home doing nothing. That’s also very uncharacteristic of you. Normal you would be at some club or party right now, celebrating the end of the semester. Normal you would probably have tried to drag him along. Or you’d meet some time during the night when you’re both too drunk to be standing and then you’d end up at 5am at the usual Burger King because you’re both hungry, and the Burger King employees would be staring at you both with anger and disgust because you’re both laughing like stupid and talking too loud and they’ve been up all night and can’t stand two drunk costumers this early in the morning.

It sounds nice.

Jungkook remembers that Seulgi and Irene made up, which means that Seulgi most definitely isn’t home.

Which means you positively are home alone.

Home alone, huh.

Jungkook sips more beer. 

This sounds nicer.

But, hey, it’s not like he’s being dirty minded (well, at least not entirely). He really wants to know what you wanted to talk about - and suddenly, he doesn’t feel like waiting until tomorrow. Maybe it’s the alcohol (maybe he really shouldn’t finish this beer), but he wants to see your face a lot right now. Your flustered face. And he kinda feels like holding your face with both hands and kissing you very slowly. And he kinda feels like going very very deep inside of-

You know what? Fuck it.

Jungkook puts the bottle over the table and is ready to get up. His excuse is ready. Nobody’s gonna think it’s strange anyway - Jungkook has actual stuff to do.

But he doesn’t have the chance to move when he notices a person approaching the tables where he’s sat.

He freezes.

It’s you.

You’re looking down at your phone before you lift your head and see the group of familiar faces a few meters away from you. You’re alone.

Jungkook’s heart starts to beat furiously inside his chest. A smile unconsciously increases on his lips. What are you doing here? He didn’t know you’d come. He’s also sure that he didn’t tell you which bar he would come to earlier today. Adrenaline rushes through his veins as a hundred ideas run on his mind in those few seconds; did you feel the need to see him as much as he wanted to see you? Did you have the same idea as him? Were you so eager to see him that you couldn’t wait until tomorrow-?

Your eyes finally cross his.

That’s when Jungkook notices something isn’t right.

You look surprised, then a second later you frown, then you slowly widen your eyes.

He knows you too damn well.

You didn’t know he’d be there, too. You’re surprised to see him. And it looks… it looks like you didn’t want to see Jungkook there.

“Y/N!”

A loud, excited, familiar male voice bursts out.

Jungkook watches frozen in place as Taehyung gets up in a swift movement, holds your face with both hands and kisses you.

Taehyung’s lips are warm against yours. They taste like toothpaste and beer.

The kiss is very brief. Taehyung breaks it alway soon, but still holds your face with his hands. He’s smiling widely.

“You're late, missy!" He says happily.

You're frozen in place.

This isn't happening. 

"I-" you stutter. It seems that your brain went into complete malfunction. "I, uhm…"

Your eyes travel back to Jungkook.

He's just watching. Not moving a muscle. No.

No no no no no no.

This can't be happening.

Jungkook wasn't supposed to be here. You thought- you thought he was going to celebrate with his classmates, you didn't expect Taehyung would be here too. No, no. Just no. 

You see the exact moment his features get as hard as stone. The way he clenches his jaw tight.

You can't breathe.

When you texted Taehyung earlier, you didn’t really like that he told you to meet him at a bar. A bar wasn’t the right place to have this type of conversation - you also felt bad that you’d probably ruin his end-of-semester celebrations - but you agreed anyway because you desperately needed to make things clear with Taehyung before you had that talk with Jungkook. You decided to do this because Jungkook was honest and fair with Joy; you needed to do the same. You left the worst of the impressions when you let Taehyung kiss you that day. You needed to tell him the truth, or else he’d just suffer more - and you couldn’t be a bitch enough to just dump him by text.

But fuck -  you didn’t expect Taehyung would fucking kiss you in front of everyone the moment he saw you!

With the corner of your eye, you see Jimin looking from you to Taehyung to Jungkook very fast, his face going pale as he realizes what just happened. No one else notices that something’s wrong.

Jungkook breaks eye contact with you and gets up from his chair. Jimin looks at him, helpless. You know that expression. He’s angry and- and-

Hurt.

You step away from Taehyung, trying to get control over your body again. It feels like pure frost has filled your veins. “T-Taehyung, I…” Your mouth is very dry again. You clear your throat. “C-Can we talk somewhere else?”

You suddenly hate how oblivious Taehyung is and how touchy he is because it’s clear that he’s moving his arm to hold your hand. What the fuck?! We just kissed once, it’s not like we’re dating!

“Sure. Do you wanna get inside? Wanna get a drink?” He asks with the same happy smile. 

You’re trying to think of something to say, but again, someone else behind him gets your attention.

“You’re going this early, Jungkook?” Hoseok whines, oblivious to the whole situation. Jungkook is putting his backpack over his shoulder. He’s looking down, jaw still very tight. Not a word said - yet you could see exactly how hurt he was. 

“Yeah. I have a lot to do.” He simply says. 

“Aw, come on, man!” Taehyung encourages. “You can stay a little longer!”

If Taehyung was a little less oblivious, he would have noticed the death glare sent in his direction.

“I can’t.”

A shiver crawls over your entire body as the death glare is now directed to you. 

He’s so, so hurt.

Jungkook’s walking away.

Stop! You want to scream. You got it all wrong! Don’t go!

But you don’t have the chance to stop him, and Jungkook doesn’t have the chance to walk away, and Taehyung doesn’t have the chance to understand what’s going on.

Everyone turns their heads when they hear a boisterous, scandalous laughter, and the sound of someone clapping their hands dramatically.

Now you’re sure that your veins are frosted. You shiver again - yet this time, it’s pure fear.

It’s Mike.

A very, very drunk Mike.

He looks the worst you’ve ever seen him; his clothes are a mess, his hair has grown a lot, and he hasn’t been shaving lately. His eyes are widened, red and maniac. He stumbles as he walks closer, everyone on the table - and the people on the tables around - stopping to look as he still claps ironically.

“Oh, look at what we have here!” he’s loud. Very loud. “So interesting!”

You notice that Jungkook isn’t walking away anymore - in fact, he comes back a few steps, standing closer to you. His body language has changed. Jimin has also gotten up; it seems that Taehyung might be starting to understand what’s going on.

“This is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a looooong time,” Mike continues. God, he’s drooling. This isn’t happening. That’s not possible.

You watch as some guys come closer to Mike and recognize them as his friends. One of them holds Mike’s arm. “Come on, man. Don’t start a scene. It’s not worth it.” He says in a rather low voice, but you can still hear it.

Mike gets off his grip aggressively. “What do you mean? Of course it’s worth it!” Mike looks at you and grins like a madman. You feel another shiver run down your spine. “Hello, Y/N! It’s been a long time! How have you been?!”

“Your friend’s right.” Jungkook speaks up. “Get out of here.”

“Ooooooh,” Mike shakes his hands as if pretending to be scared. “Look who’s here, too! It’s the bestie! Jeon Jungkook, the best friend your girlfriend could ever have!”

Pretty much everyone on the outside part of the bar is paying attention to what’s going on. They whisper between themselves, looking at Mike, you and Jungkook. You feel so embarrassed that you might as well faint. You feel that you should have said something already, but your brain is still malfunctioning. 

“Jeon Jungkook, the friend that will want to fuck your girl so bad, but he won’t because he’s a coward!” Mike screams and laughs like a maniac.

Jungkook steps up closer to Mike in a brusque movement, but Jimin’s fast enough to hold him back. At this point, all of his friends have already gotten up from the table, wanting to stop Jungkook from doing anything.

“Shut up, Mike! Let’s go!” Mike’s friends try to stop him as well, trying to drag him away, but even though he’s drunk, he’s still strong enough to stay in place.

“You think I didn’t know, huh, Jungkookie? You think I didn’t know that whenever I was balls deep inside of Y/N you wish it was you? You always wanted to make her scream like a bitch the way I did!”

At this moment, the fear and shame are overwhelmed by anger. Without realizing, you are the one stepping closer, you are the person who Taehyung has to grab the arm in order to stop. “Shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch!” You hear yourself yelling.

People on the tables around have gotten up - the noise of many chairs scraping the floor getting louder than the worried voices of the people trying to get away from this mess. You hear someone - a guard from the bar, maybe - threatening to call the police, but you can’t pay attention to him.

“Oh, but that’s exactly what you are! A whore!” Mike yells back. “You got so sad that I cheated on you, but haven’t you been doing the same to me?! You think I didn’t see you two inside the car that night?!”

That night… in the car…

Did he... ?

You freeze again when you see Mike pointing at Taehyung. 

“Hm, you’re Taehyung, right? Are you dating her now? Well, be aware of her best friend right here, unless you like sharing your girl! But Jungkook likes leftovers, right, Jungk-?”

He doesn’t finish the sentence.

Jimin isn’t strong enough to stop Jungkook from jumping over and landing a punch on Mike’s nose.

There’s yelling and the sound of tables turning as a whole lot of men try to stop the fight and glasses breaking and Jungkook screaming incomprehensible things as he holds Mike’s collar and punches once, twice, three times, and then Mike’s mouth and nose are bleeding, and Jimin, Hoseok and Taehyung are trying to get Jungkook off Mike but it seems that not even the three would be enough to stop him.

You’ve never seen Jungkook so mad. It scares you because Mike is too drunk and can’t defend himself - but you’re not scared for Mike, that fucker can die -, you’re scared of what might happen to Jungkook.

So, when Jimin and the others drag Jungkook away as he still tries to free himself violently, you somehow squeeze yourself between them to hold Jungkook’s arm.

“Jungkook, stop!”

The black-haired man looks at you, his eyes red with rage in a way you’ve never seen before. 

You didn’t notice that, in your despair, your eyes filled with tears. This is probably what makes Jungkook stop for a moment.

“Enough! I called the police! Everyone out of the bar!”

A siren can be heard from far.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here!” Jimin yells.

Another mess as everyone grabs their things and to try and run out of the bar - even the people that weren’t involved. You see that Mike hasn’t fainted as his friends grab him out of the bar in a rush.

Jungkook has to get out of here, it’s the only thing on your mind. Jungkook thinks the same apparently, because he’s quick to take his bag from the floor and jump over the bar’s fence to the sidewalk. You assumed that he didn’t drive his way here because he knew he would drink - which means he had to run.

Your only instinct is to follow him. 

You jump over the fence too, much more clumsily than him. Jungkook is already running down the street. 

As you’re about to follow him, you hear someone call your name.

It’s Taehyung.

He’s standing on the sidewalk as customers run out of the bar. And the look on his face crushes your heart.

I am the worst person in the world.

“Y/N, what he said… is it- is it true?” He asks quietly.

You open your mouth as if to say something, but nothing coherent comes out of it. The guilt rushes with adrenaline through your veins. You knew he would be hurt, but it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. It wasn’t.

“I-I’m sorry, Taehyung,” is the only thing you can stutter.

You don’t see what face he makes next - both because you can’t take it, and because you’re already turning around and running down the street after Jungkook.

Jungkook is the only thing on your mind.

You can’t let him go away like this.

You run through the busy streets full of bars. As usual, they’re crowded with people. Some of them look at you running like crazy when you pass by, but you can’t stop running because you can still hear the sirens.

Jungkook has some damn long legs. He runs much faster than you and doesn’t even look back. You can barely breathe and your stomach hurts as you unsuccessfully try to catch up to him. You keep running and running and running until you’re on less busier streets, until the bars are left behind and now you’re on a more residential part of the neighbourhood. As Jungkook crosses an almost empty square, you decided that your body can’t take it anymore. You stop gradually, feeling your entire body scream in pain.

“Jungk- Jungkook!” you yell. 

The black-haired man finally looks behind his back and sees you; he widens his eyes in surprise and stops. 

“Why are you-?”

He doesn’t have the time to finish his sentence as the sound of the sirens get closer. You immediately start to run again and this time - instead of running in front of you - Jungkook waits until you get closer to grab your hand, forcing you to run faster. You two cross the square and run into a stair alley with houses on both sides. It’s quiet here. Jungkook crouches down behind a big trash bin, making you crouch down as well.

You both make as much silence as possible (considering you’re both panting heavily), both sweating, and wait until the sounds and lights of the police siren go away.

After maybe five minutes Jungkook gets up again, dropping his backpack on the floor. He cleans the sweat on his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt; you rest your hands on your legs, trying to recover your breath. Your stomach hurts as if it has been stabbed. Maybe I should start working out.

You notice that Jungkook’s right hand is hurt; his knuckles are swollen and bleeding a little. He frowns in pain as he analyzes it. “You- you’re hurt.” you stupidly stutter. Jungkook shakes his head.

“It’s nothing.” He says in a low voice. “I said I would beat him up if I saw him…”

Out of instinct you step closer to him, worried, and lift your hands to hold his swollen one.

But Jungkook steps back before you can even touch him. He literally flinched away from you.

It feels like an arrow has just buried itself in your heart.

He’s not looking at you.

“Jungkook-”

“No.” He shakes his head again. He’s breathing heavily as if trying to calm himself down. “Don’t… don’t say anything. Please.”

It’s getting so difficult to breathe. Jungkook puts his hands on each side of his waist, staring at something on the floor - clearly avoiding your pleading gaze.

“But Jungkook, I… you didn’t…” why the hell can’t you speak a coherent sentence anymore? That’s why you followed him all the way. You must make things clear, but seeing his face right now makes you hesitate. Jungkook looks genuinely angry; you’ve never seen him like this, ever.

He throws his head back, looking at the sky, and lets a very dry chuckle past his lips. His expression tells you everything you need to know - he’s tipsy, not entirely drunk.

“You know, I don’t even understand why I’m angry.” You’re not sure if he’s talking to you or to himself. “There was never anything real happening, right? We were never real.”

You feel yourself choking on your own words. What does he mean?

“Jungkook, you have to listen to me. I just wanted to talk to Taehyung-”

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Y/N!” He interrupts and finally gazes you back with bloodshot eyes. “We’re fuck buddies, right? It’s just for fun, right? No real feelings involved. It’s not like we’re supposed to care.”

Tears start to make your sight blurred. Each word of his sound more and more bitter, more sad, more hurt, and it feels like someone has buried the arrow in your heart deeper when you realize that his eyes are getting teary, too.

“Stop saying that. You know it’s not true. You’re the person I care about the most in this world-”

“If you start saying how I’m your best friend I’m leaving you right now.”

You frown and blink, trying to dissipate the tears. “B-But it’s true-”

“For fuck’s sake, Y/N! I’m in love with you! Stop acting like you don’t know that already!”

It feels like your brain and your limbs and your lungs stopped working all at once.

Did he… did he just…?

Jungkook exhales heavily. He looks so tired. He rests his back against the wall in front of you, once again avoiding your gaze.

Something tells you that this should have been a happy moment. Deep down, you feel the pure bliss and excitement and it feels like your heart will combust - because you finally heard the words you wanted to hear the most coming directly from his mouth, you finally understood everything; he felt the same, the fucking same.

Yet, all the happiness is being overwhelmed by worry.

You’re watching him intently. You know the man in front of you better than you know yourself. You’ve never seen this expression before - this mix of anger and hurt have never been directed towards you. You’re scared because you don’t know what it implies.

It’s his breaking point.

He might be giving up on you right now.

You don’t know what to say. For a long moment, you just stare at him as he tries to calm himself down - always avoiding your gaze. It seems that words won’t come out of your mouth no matter how hard you try.

“Since when?” is the only thing you can whisper after a long time.

Jungkook shakes his head and lets yet another lifeless chuckle. “I don’t know.” He says in a low, broken voice.

Your fingers are shaking as you close your hands in tight fists. He needs to hear the truth.

“Jungkook.” Yet again, you hesitantly step closer. Your voice is fragile, pleading. “You got it all wrong. Please, you have to listen to me. Today, I-”

“Yeah, I know I got it all wrong from the start.” He interrupts you again. Shut up!, you want to scream. Let me fucking speak!

However, you can’t speak anymore when you notice the tears dripping down his face.

Jungkook is crying.

It’s your fault.

He passes both hands over his face as quickly as the first tears started to fall and sighs heavily. He takes his bag from the floor and shoves it over his shoulder again, turning around before you can see his face again, before you have the chance to say anything.

“I’m going home. You should go home, too.”

And he starts to walk down the stairs way too fast.

Your body is moving before your mind registers and you try to catch up to him. “Jungkook, wait-”

“Don’t.”

Is the only thing he says without looking back.

This makes you stop.

You watch, frozen in place, as he walks down the stairs. You keep your eyes on him as he crosses the empty square again. He’s almost running.

He wants to get away from you as soon as possible.

You know Jungkook too well. You know that, even if you followed him, even if you insisted, he wouldn’t want to hear you anyway. He’d probably despise you even more. This is what made you freeze.

You suddenly feel your legs get weak and sit down on the stair steps. Not only your legs, actually. All of your limbs feel heavy. 

You don’t remember the last time you cried like this. The unstoppable tears just coming and coming and the sobs barely let you breathe. 

You’re crying because you’re ashamed of what just happened at the bar - how Mike made you feel humiliated in front of all those people. You’re guilty because you weren’t honest with Taehyung and now there’s no way back - you let him believe in whatever he wanted to believe instead of making things clear, and now he’s hurt.

And the worst of all.

You’ve been hurting Jungkook so bad for so long without realizing. You hurt the person you cared about the most. 

All of it is your fault.

God, it hurts so much.

You know Jungkook too well. He’s the person that has been always there with you for better or for worse. You always knew you’d have each other’s backs no matter what happens; he’s a part of you, the most important, most precious part of you.

This time, you genuinely don’t know what will happen from now on.

This time... you don’t know if Jungkook will ever forgive you.

[shinidamachu]

Do you have thoughts on the Aang/Ozai showdown at the end?

Zuko: please. The real hero is a random rock the Avatar.

The final battle was amazing, from an animation poin of view. The colors, the fighting sequence, the symbolism, Aang finally mastering all elements. Just very exciting and satisfying to watch, because it was something that the audience was hoping for since episode one. And they delivered it.

From a writing point of view, though? It was less of a showdown and more of a cop-out. See, I'm not saying, by any means, that Aang should have killed Ozai. Quite the opposite. Not only because it was a children's show. Not only because Aang was a traumatized, non violent, 12 years old. But also because it made sense for the character and for the core themes of the show.

Don't get me wrong, Ozai one hundred per cent deserved to die. Aang himself stated that the world would be a better place without Ozai in it. I just don't think he should be the one to do it. At the same time, is on his hands that Ozai's fate lays and no one else can make that decision for him.

So if killing Ozai off could turn him into a Fire Nation martyr anyway and Aang refuses to do so because of his pacifist principles, what's the other option to defeat the guy and end the war? The authors went with energy bending and, honestly, I thought it was brilliant for a series of reasons.

First, ending Ozai's life seems like the obvious choice, an easy way out. I love the concept of Aang refusing to do what's expected of him and choosing instead to finish the war on his own terms, without compromising who he is, because in theory, that would mean he would have to go out of his way to find a different solution, in a perfect shout out to Bumi's words in The King Of Omashu: "you must master the four elements and confront the Fire Lord. And when you do, I hope you will think like a mad genius."

Second, in a show where bending is intimately related to one's very being, the questions begs to be raised: how much taking someone's bending away is better, more ethical or less cruel than actively killing them? Because it's a fundamental part of who they are, of their soul. Ty Lee had the abiliity to block chis, temporarily making people unable to bend. And it was a terrifying thing for the people she used the technique on.

Lastly, it ends the "killing Ozai would turn him into a Fire Nation martyr" for good, because (ATLA COMICS SPOILER ALERT) Aang let him leave without his bending and a significant amount of people still worshipped the guy to the point of planning coups on the down low and sending Zuko death threats left and right, so we basically got the same result, but Ozai remained an ever present threat to the peace Aang fought to achieve.

The problem, as people smarter and more eloquent than I have pointed out countless times, wasn't the energy bending solution, it was the way it was introduced and then executed.

Aang: hey! Look at these weird Lion Turtle things.

Looking back now, this scene from The Library was obviously foreshadowing the finale, so the Lion Turtle reveal wasn't pulled out of thin air. It had a purpose. Considering that this episode, from Book Two, mentioned the Lion Turtle, who would later teach Aang how to energy bend and that The Guru, also from Book Two, introduced the arc of Aang having to let go of his attachment to Katara in order to master the Avatar State, I can only assume that the original intentions of the writers were very clear:

Aang doesn't want to kill Ozai but he also doesn't want to let go of Katara. That's the catch! To "energy bend" his way out of murder, he has to master the Avatar State. His conflict here, is much greater than before because now Katara is a factor in the equation as well. He either kills Ozai, keeps his attachment and gives up the Avatar State or he masters it, defeats Ozai by removing his bending but has to let go of Katara in the process. It's awesome because it's the hardest possible choice a character like Aang could be forced to make. And we knew he would ultimately do the right thing, but regardless of what he decides, he still loses something important to him, he still has to make a huge sacrifice.

Of course, none of that happens. This was the first and only time the Lion Turtle was brought up. The “letting Katara go” arc was unceremoniously killed alongside Aang the second Azula shot that lightning in Ba Sing Se, but differently from the Avatar, whom Katara ressurrected, it was never brought back. And it’s a shame. Because The Library was the perfect episode to expand on the Lion Turtle and energy bending mystery. 

And the finale? It was the perfect episode for Aang to do what he failed to do in Ba Sing Se: to let Katara go and achieve the Avatar State by his own merits, sacrificing something he wanted for the greater good. The way he hid into a cocoon of rocks? It would have been a great call out to the little crystal tent he made in his fight with Azula when he decided to give the Guru’s advices a try. And it would also symbolize rebirth in the same way Katara breaking him out of the iceberg did. Because now he had finally reached the other side of the river and he is no longer the same person he once was.

But the narrative decided, instead, to rob Aang from any growth, from any substancial change, from any interesting arc. They went with the “love is the most important thing” approach to justify him honlding on to Katara. And I could have bought it if they hadn’t been so dishonest about it.

First: if you love someone, you let them go. Attachment and love are two very different things. No one ever told Aang to stop loving Katara. He was told to let her go. And it makes sense because he was attached to her in a way that wasn’t healthy for either of them, and was keeping him from achieving his full spiritual potential, something he should care a little more about, given his upbring.

Second, in the person of Iroh, arguably the wisest character in the show, Aang is told that he is right for choosing love over power. But this is a false equivalence because it’s not what Aang is doing. The scene makes it look like he is seeking power for the sake of power. That’s not the case. The Avatar State is an inherent power, meaning Aang already has it. It’s part of who he is. He just needs to unblock it and learn how to control it. And he has to do that not for personal gain, but to put an end in the war.

A war that took almost everything from Katara, the person he loves. Aside from Aang himself, she is the person who would benefit the most from him learning to control the Avatar State, since she is the one who has to calm him down every time he accidentaly triggers it and winning the war is a very personal goal of her. Now, this is just conjecture but I firmly believe that even if Katara was secretly in love with Aang (which I don’t buy), she would be the first to tell his it’s okay to let her go. But alas, she wasn’t even aware of this conflict. A conflict she played a key part in.

That being said, I do think that the Ozai dillema was introduced too late. It should have been explored before the Day of Black Sun, giving Aang plenty of time to search for a different solution. It also never made sense to me why killing Ozai wasn’t a problem then. Apparently the explanation that I was supposed to stick with is that Aang was naive. He didn’t know people expected him to kill the Fire Lord until Zuko asked him what he would do when he faced Ozai, since violence wasn’t the answer. But I honestly struggle to accept this because, yes, Aang was naive. 

But not that naive. Not at that point. After episodes like The Siege of the North and The Avatar State, I just don’t buy he didn’t know what people wanted him to do. Plus, Aang has an evasive fighting style, based on always being one step ahead of his opponent. To do that, he has to plan beforehand. What was his plan to confront Ozai in the Day of Black Sun, after everything he went through? Talk to him? Arrest the guy? If that’s the case, shouldn’t it at least be discussed with the gang? It’s never addressed.

Then comes the finale. Aang’s moment of truth. The event we’ve all been hoping for. The one that will turn him into a legend. And Aang is losing. He can’t win without killing Ozai or controling the Avatar State to take his bending away. What will he sacrifice to become a hero? His morals or his attachment? Answer: neither! Because the writers decided he should have everything without give up nothing. So they miraculously make a convenently sharped rock hit the exact right spot in the perfect time unblock his chakra, allowing him to enter the Avatar State.

I’m not even gonna talk about how this is most definitely not how chakras work, because it’s not really my place. But I am gonna talk about the tragic (not to say hilarious) fact that, by trying to make Aang have his cake and eat it too, the writers ultimately made a fucking rock the responsible for Aang’s success. Not his cleverness, not his hard work, not his altruism: a rock. If that rock wasn’t there, in the right place, at the right time, then what? Would Aang finally have done what he had to do, or would he be killed, allowing the war to continue?

That’s my issue with it. That, and the fact that they had no trouble addressing delicate topics, but didn’t have enough courage to let the 12 years old protagonist end up alone. Because, of course, children can’t understand the hero not getting the girl. Right?

RIGHT?

Aang managed to defeat Ozai and get the girl even though there was a whole season dedicated to build up an arc in which he would have to let her go to succed. Even though their last one on one interaction before their last kiss was Aang screaming at her and storming off, while Katara reprimended him for walking away from the issue. Even if he had been acting more and more possessive and entitled when it came to her affection. Even if Katara had shown no real interest in him that way before she suddenly does. But what do I know? Maybe she was hit by a magic rock too.

Aang and Katara happened at the cost of Aang’s character development. Fandom might think the rival ship was harmed the most by it, but that’s not true. Aang was. And it’s really sad. He is an amazing character and he deserved to be the hero of his own story, to have his beliefs tested and to come out of his journey irrevocably changed, not locked inside a plot armor.

[idreamofplaid]

Crystal Ball

Square Filled: Bookstore AU for @spnfluffbingo; College AU for @spngenrebingo; Sam for @spnchristmasbingo

Characters: Sam x Reader; Pamela mentioned

Rating: Explicit

Tags: oral (male receiving)

Summary: The reader sees an unexpected and wonderful glimpse of her future. 

Word Count: 2220

Knowledge is yours if you seek it. That’s what the sign by the front door said. The only thing Y/ cared about seeking right now was some time alone with Sam, some quality time. It would be two more hours until that could happen because the bookstore didn’t close until eleven. Y/N would have to content herself with stealing glances at Sam between customers for now.

He was comfortably settled in his favorite spot to study in one of the reading areas her Aunt Pamela had created to keep the atmosphere of the store “cozy yet mystical”. Pamela had worked for years as a psychic to save the money to buy this place and turn it into something that matched the vision in her head. She had a reading room in the back where she saw clients three days a week by appointment only; the years of hard work had paid off, allowing her to have a much lighter schedule now. Business was good for Crystal Ball Books, allowing Pamela to spend the fruits of her labor in the Caribbean this holiday season. That meant there was no chance of her making a surprise appearance in the bookstore tonight, which was exactly what Y/N wanted because she had plans after all these people were gone. They were sexy, seductive, get Sam naked plans.

If only all these people would disappear, but the store was filled with students and locals tonight, looking for holiday gifts or just hanging out with a cup of herbal tea or a coffee to escape the stress of finals week. The place was organized into distinct areas based on subject matter, creating a unique atmosphere in each area, and people were in all of them. There was a section devoted to Chakras where all the colors of the rainbow were represented. It was bright and had a lively energy with wind chimes and crystals accenting the space. Another, and one of Y/N’s favorite areas, was the Native American spirituality “room”. It was in a nook near the front entrance. There was always white sage burning there to keep the space cleansed, and the feeling when you walked among those shelves that contained not only books but Native American art and smudging supplies for sale was serene. 

Sam was in the Celtic section of the store. It was filled with earthy colors, and statues of Celtic gods and goddesses were scattered throughout the tall shelves along with the books. This was also where the Yule/Christmas tree was located. It was by the light of this tree and the strings of holiday lights adorning the bookshelves that Sam was studying for his American Folklore final. 

Y/N was putting some new books on Feng Shui out in the Eastern Traditions corner which gave her a perfect sight line to stop what she was doing and enjoy the view of Sam. He was running his long, thick, graceful fingers through his hair absentmindedly while he concentrated on the book on his lap. She wished it was her fingers in his hair, feeling its silky softness slide through them. He bit his bottom lip and turned the page. Y/N stared at his mouth. She was going to push him down on that sofa and kiss him until she could feel him getting hard against her and…. “Excuse me.” The voice jarred her right out of that glorious vision. “Where are the books on auras?”

It was a long two hours, and being constantly busy didn’t make it pass any faster. When Y/N had finally sent the other two employees home and locked the door behind the last customer, she couldn’t get to Sam fast enough. He was still buried in his books. Y/N took the book he was currently reviewing out of his hand and read the title, “Ghosts of the Midwest”. She tossed it onto the table beside the couch and sat on his lap, straddling him.

“Haven’t you had enough ghosts for tonight?” She laid her palms flat on his chest and leaned down to kiss the side of his neck. Sam put his hands on her waist and held her in place. She felt his body relax, and he moaned signaling his pleasure to her. She kissed her way down his neck until she got to his sweatshirt. “You know you’re going to make an A anyway.”

Sam laughed, and she raised her head to see what was so funny. He pushed her hair out of her face so he could see her better and let his hand rest on the side of her head, holding it with his fingers threaded through her hair. “Those A’s don’t happen automatically, and I can’t let up now if I’m going to get into a good graduate school.” 

Sam had a plan for his life. He was going to research the paranormal and teach others about it. That was one of the things that was so attractive about him. He knew what he wanted without letting ambition take him over. She smiled at him and ran her fingertip over his bottom lip that she’d watched him nibble on earlier. “You’re going to be one of those young, sexy professors whose classes fill up every semester with girls and guys who want to stare at you and think all kinds of dirty thoughts.”

Sam slid his hand down her back until he got to her ass and squeezed. “Are you jealous already?” His other hand was still holding her head, and he pulled her mouth down to his. He kissed her deeply, swirling his tongue around hers until she felt his cock start to stiffen beneath her. Then he trailed a line of kisses across her cheek to her ear and whispered, “Don’t worry. I don’t want anybody else in my bed. Don’t want to feel anybody else tight around me, making me come.”

Y/N felt her stomach get all tight and fluttery, and her core started to tingle. He pulled back, and she saw his eyes were dark with desire. “I want to make you come now, Sam.” She pushed his sweatshirt up to get to his belt and started to unbuckle it. When she finished unbuckling and unzipping, Sam lifted his hips and pushed down his jeans and underwear. His cock was semi hard, long, thick, and beautiful. Y/N lowered herself to her knees in front of him and took his cock in her hand, loving the feel and the weight of it as she held it. Then she took it into her mouth, swirling her tongue around the tip before swallowing it down until it touched the back of her throat.

Sam stretched his arms across the top of the sofa and lay his head back against it, letting out a deep satisfied sigh. She bobbed her head on him until he was fisting the back of the sofa and calling out her name. She fondled his balls while she sucked and licked until she felt his hand on the back of her head. “Y/N, wait.” She looked up at him and slipped her mouth from his leaking dick. “I want to come inside you. Make you feel good too.”

He stripped off his sweatshirt and pulled her to him, crashing his mouth on hers in a hungry kiss. “I want you, Y/N. Take your clothes off for me.” She broke the kiss and started a striptease for him. Slowly, she pulled her shirt up and off. Sam’s eyes raked over her breasts and the silky red, holiday perfect, bra she was wearing with a tiny bow in the middle. 

He licked his lips while Y/N reached behind her back to undo the clasps. She slipped the straps seductively down her arms, exposing her breasts to him. “Do you want a taste, Sam?” He lowered his head to her chest and took one of her nipples into his mouth. Sam had made her come before just using his mouth and hands on her breasts, and what he was doing to her right now made her think it might happen again. “Oh fuck, Sam. That feels amazing.” She grabbed the back of his head to hold him to her. He continued to lick and tease her hardened nub with his teeth while he eased his hand down into her pants.

He found her clit and began to rub it in slow, deliberate circles. The double stimulation had her writhing and begging him for release. “Please, Sam. Make me come. I need it.” 

He switched breasts and started to suck on the other one while his fingers rolled and flicked the nipple still wet from the attention his tongue had given it. Meanwhile, his hand in her pants started to move faster, rushing her closer to the climax she wanted. “C’mon, baby. Do it. I want to feel you come on my fingers.” She shuddered as her orgasm pulsated through her, and she coated Sam’s fingers with her juices.

As her high faded, she went soft under Sam’s touch, and he took her in his arms. “Do you know how hot you look when you come for me like that?”

“No, but I’m glad you like it.” She put her head on his shoulder to catch her breath. Her breathing was beginning to even out when she took his earlobe into her mouth. “I want more, Sam. I want to feel you splitting me open, pounding into me.” She bit down on his earlobe in her mouth hard enough to make him feel it in his growing cock. “Make me scream for you, Sam.”

Sam peeled off her remaining clothes and tossed them on the floor; his jeans and underwear followed. His cock was twitching, hard against his stomach in anticipation. Y/N climbed on top of him and lined his thick shaft up with her entrance, sinking down onto it until she was fully impaled and could feel him pushing against her cervix. She started to ride him, and Sam lifted his hips, thrusting them upward in time with her movements. 

Without warning, he flipped her onto her back and hooked his arm under her leg, opening her wide to his now harder and deeper thrusts. His pubic bone was hitting her clit, and she was clawing at his back while she clenched around him. “Sam. Oh, God. I’m gonna...I’m gonna come. Sam!” He covered her mouth with his hand, and she screamed into his palm. She came hard, and just when she was coming down from her climax, he emptied inside her. His hot come coated her inside and triggered another orgasm as strong as the one she’d just had. 

Sam took his hand from her mouth, lowered her leg, and nuzzled his nose into the side of her neck. He whispered against her skin, “You are completely beautiful.” He kept talking to her as he slipped from her body and rolled onto his back, settling her on top of him. He reached for the throw with the Celtic knot pattern he’d put on the back of the sofa earlier and covered her with it. 

Y/N smiled and kissed his chest. “You were planning this, weren’t you?”

Sam was running his fingers through her hair. “A guy can hope.” 

Y/N sighed with contentment. “I was hoping for this too.” She kissed his chest again. “I could barely focus on anything watching you and thinking about what we could be doing instead.”

Sam was still playing with her hair; he had gotten quiet. Y/N could sense the change in his mood. She raised her head to look down at him. “Sam, are you okay?”

She saw him swallow hard; his eyes had gotten reflective and sensitive, about as far from the passionate intensity that had been in them just minutes before as they could get. “I’m gonna be in graduate school at Christmas next year. I don’t know where, but...Y/N, will you go with me?” 

He was brushing his thumb across her cheek, waiting for her to say something. The wheels in his mind were still turning; she could see them. She was so surprised at his question that her response was, “You want me to come with you, move to wherever you’re going? Are you asking me to live with you?” 

His finger stopped moving on her cheek. “Yeah. I want you with me... because I love you.” 

Y/N looked into his eyes; the lights from the tree were shining in them. He was serious. “Oh my God, Sam.” 

He started to sit up. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

“No.” She put her hand on his shoulder to keep him from moving any more.  “I mean yes. I want to go with you. I want to be with you.” A smile started to spread across Sam’s face. With her next words, his dimples bloomed. “I love you too.”

Y/N kissed Sam again in the quiet of the bookstore; it was the first time she kissed him knowing he loved her and knowing they had a future together. The sign by the door said, Knowledge is yours if you seek it. She believed now the same was true of love. 

Everything: @gambitwinchester @princessmisery666 @onethirstyunicorn @peridottea91 @logical-princey @emilyshurley @beenlovingromansincedayoneish @fangirlxwritesx67 @waywardbaby @atc74 @ledzeppelinsbonzo @shaniquacynthia @mariekoukie6661 @tumbler-tidbits @67-chevy-baby @fandom-princess-forevermore @terrarium-jpeg @emoryhemsworth @crashdevlin @heycasbutt @jules-1999 @mrsdeannafuckingwinchester @cosicas-cuquis @sammyimpala-67 @queenoftheunderdark @dean-winchesters-bacon @mrs-meghan-winchester @timelordy-fangirl2 @sweetness47 @hobby27 @awesomesusiebstuff @kickingitwithkirk @becs-bunker @sandlee44 @supernaturalgrandma @lonewolf471 @sea040561 @dawnie1988 @volleyballer519 @outcastedangel @kdfrqqg @lizette50 @daisymoder72 @sorenmarie87 @winchesterxfamilybusiness 

Sam/Jared: @girl-next-door-writes @stunudo @feelmyroarrrr @sammit-janet @idabbleincrazy @evansrogerskitten @focusonspn @i-joined-social-media-finally @autumninavonlea @spnxbsessed @durinsbride @deansyahtzee @wendibird @team-free-will-you-idjiot @waywardnerd67 @fullmooner @neii3n @supernatural-took-me-over @julesthequirky​

[jq37]

The Case File – Mice and Murder Ep 4

The Case of the Puzzling Painting 

Welcome back to Loam Hall where our Sylvan Sleuths are still hanging out in a room with a dead body. When we left off, Gangie had been snooping into Sly’s conversation about Fletcher Cottonbottom and now, he uses his Criminal Contacts feature to see what he knows, if anything, about a recent return. With a 26 he knows that his family used to be well respected but after the whole business with the insurance fraud and Sly busting it, the family kind of fell out of favor. So Fletcher was in a weird position where he was rich and a part of high society and had enough dirt on everyone to get them to do things for him but couldn’t actually show his face because he was disgraced. Gangie also knows that it’s rumored that Fletcher’s weapons running scheme was actually a front for moving art. 

With regard to more recent news about Fletcher, Gangie was never in direct contact with him but he knows that 3-4 years ago, his most trusted henchmen started going missing--people attributed it to some kind of “Cottonbottom Curse” and that rumor is part of why Gangie decided to get out of dodge in the first place.

Buck does an insight check on the rest of the PCs and, with an 18, doesn’t clock anyone there as especially suspicious (Lars isn’t there but like..it’s Lars). Ian tries to give Squire Badger his last rites but ends up pulling the knife out, putting it back in, flapping blood everywhere with his feathers, and sending Constance into a badger rage. Buck tries to help smooth over things, claiming his big screw up was a new style of avant garde church ritual (Ian appreciates the support--who ministers to the ministers, you know?) and in the process sees his knife for the first time. Which, you know. He obviously suspected before but never nice to see.

While this is going on, Daisy sneaks off to try and check on the secret door and everyone sees her do it/eventually follows her but we’ll get back to her once we check in with Lars who is en route to the kitchen. Once in the hallway, they do a perception check and, on a 15, there are 3 doors and Ally gets to pick one. There’s a kitchen where Gilfoyle is talking to a group, a door where someone is crying behind it, and a door where they can hear nothing. Ally, the galaxy brained genius, goes for the quiet door. That’s the money door and with their ears pressed against the door, they can hear Edwina and Carolyn--the two mice maids that overheard Buck’s conversation with the Badger--whispering about what happened there and wondering if they should pay back the money they were paid to by Buck.

Gilfoyle walks out and sees Lars snooping but on a Nat 20 deception check, Lars is able to play dumb and skate by suspiciousness. Also, with a dirty 20 perception check, when the mice maids leave, Lars sees that they’ve been stealing silverware. 

OK, back to Daisy who is getting to the séance room as quickly as possible. She has two rounds before people catch up to her so she’s trying to make the most of it by Investigating the painting she noticed was bolted to the wall earlier. She first rolls an 11, getting no new information. This is so frustrating to her. She’s good at this dammit! But being around Sly is rattling her terribly. She has feelings for him--strong ones. But she isn’t herself around him. How can she be with him if he makes her so unlike herself? Her introspection is enough to earn her advantage from Brennan on her second roll and boom! 25! Daisy is back. 

With that roll, she notices that the eyes in the painting actually move and can be used as a spying post on the other side. Then Sly runs in and they start bickering immediately. Daisy throws a crystal ball at him and absolutely brains him on a nat 20--the first combat roll of this very RP oriented season. 

Buck and Ian are still in the room with the body for the moment and Buck asks Ian about the first few names on the list Gangie gave him. There were a bunch of members of the Burrows family--a working class family that all died of a consumptive illness. And then the Diggories who died in a carriage accident. The connecting thread? All badgers. Buck then zooms away to follow Daisy, Ian follows, and Lars, seeing them as they leave the kitchens, also follows. 

So all the PCs are in the séance room now and they kinda have the sense of, “OK y’all, we’re all screwed but we’re al screwed together so we better throw our lot in with each other and start working together so we don’t die because no one else here is on our side.” Buck proposes an alliance and they all agree to share info. Sly asks about Buck’s knife and Buck admits it’s his but says he didn’t do it. Sly believes him--not because he wouldn’t do it but because he has no motive (that he knows about anyway. Buck doesn’t spill about the contract). 

Gangie shares the list of names from before with the whole group.It’s like half badgers and then some other critters (full list here). Sly doesn’t share any of his secret info Grant got texted. Daisy and Buck don’t share about the key (though Sly you’ll remember sat her steal it). Buck does however mention his suspicion about the fact that Gilfoyle wasn’t around when Squire Badger gave his speech and Daisy does the same about the fact that he said he would call the cops but the cops haven’t arrived yet. Lar’s remembers that Jez’s husband is gunning for at seat in parliament and wonders if this is related somehow. Daisy mentions the eyes in the painting and everyone is like way to bury the lede dude! Especially when they’ve just all spilled their secrets. Everyone checks on the painting and with a 25 Gangie can intuit that this is probably used to spy on rich people when they’re mid-séance and vulnerable and spilling secrets (which he doesn’t share but Daisy comes to a similar conclusion on her own). Buck on a 23 can smell ledgers (idk how but the DM said so and I’m reporting it) and guesses that that’s where the Squire’s real office is which means that’s probably where the contract he needs to find and destroy is too. 

 The group makes a list of their loose ends which are what’s on the other side of the painting, what’s up with Fletcher, and the smell of ozone. Plus Ian remembers that the date on the bust in the study is wrong and shares with the class. 

Lars tries to get to the other side of the room by ripping the painting off the hinges with a very impressive 26 but there is fully a wall behind it and the noise brings Gilfoyle, Harding, and the Badger kids running. Lars notes that in the stone behind the painting it says “⅓”  and then hurriedly puts the painting back. Daisy thinks that might refer to a secret third floor or basement accessible by the elevator (but my first thought was that there were 2 other spying paintings in the house somewhere).

Everyone in the room hears the Gilfoyle and co. coming and try to act natural. There is a group stealth check that they all tank so heavily that all the suspicious staff and kids need to do to suss them out is roll above a 5.

AND THEY ROLL A TWO. 

With that, Lucretia appears, totally buys that they’re doing very important spiritual work in there, and in fact guards the door for them. They use the privacy bought by their very vigilant sentry to plan their next steps. Sly, Daisy, and Ian will check out the study while they rest of them check out the elevator. As they exit, Lucretia asks if they got the answers they needed out of the spirits.

Oh yes, says Daisy, echoing Lucretia’s nonsense prediction from last episode. Either something good or bad might happen. Either way, I’m excited! 

Case Notes

How baller of a player move is it to say a line so poignant that the DM is forced to let you roll with advantage? I have been on the other side of that as the DM and it’s so great. MAD respect to Rekha for that. AND THEN THE DICE COOPERATED. You simply love to see it. 

The other best Rekha line is Daisy to Sly upon being called out about stealing the key in his normal, coy, quippy way: You saw me bitch.

Shout out to Grant also for being constantly on as Sly. The guy is on point always. Impeccable.

I am SO SO SO happy Daisy and Sly are on the same mission team. If I was friends with either of them I’d be like, “This is a toxic relationship, they make you too crazy.” But as an outside viewer I want them to be within crystal ball throwing distance always.  

The question I’m sure we’re all asking: Is Brennan enough of a minx to invoke the butler did it trope? I know everyone at the table is thinking it even if none of them have said it outright. I figured the reason the cops haven’t showed up yet was the storm but who knows?

Two pieces of housekeeping, only Buck and Gangie know what the room behind the painting is with their high rolls and, after the bit of passing it back and forth with Buck, Daisy has the key. 

I really can’t do the bit about Gangie’s mom justice. I wish there was a comedy Emmy for actual play DnD shows so D20 could get the accolades it deserves just for that bit. 

Brennan indicated that the conversation between the mice maids was the most interesting info (Gilfoyle convo to staff was too public to be juicy/they could get the info from one of the many gathered staff people and crying is info on its own--though I am curious about who the crying person was) but I’m wondering what he meant by that. Because the fact that Buck paid them might be interesting if Buck did it. But we know he didn’t. Is it the fact that they were in the room at all? Again, info that the party knows if not Lars specifically.  The fact that they were stealing silverware? What’s Brennan’s game here?

[resinatingbeauty]

Witchcraft & Expectations

What do you really expect from the Craft?

I had considered writing this for a while before actually doing it just because I didn't want anyone to feel like they were being attacked or singled out. Offending you isn't the purpose of this post, so please do not be discouraged by anything you read here. There is no wrong way of practicing your Craft and to each their own. I was just curious about perspectives when it comes to your expectations regarding Witchcraft, magick, and spirituality as I have dealt with many different people following many different paths since focusing more on my Craft and art through my shop which began on Mercari and grew enough to become more established on Etsy.

I do sell many spiritual / witchy items from personalized spell kits to witchy mystery boxes compiled with Intuitively chosen and my own handmade, one of a kind items. Among the most popular spiritual offerings are my 'buy one get one miniature spell jars,' which allow my customers to select two general purposes or a personalized request from which I assemble and enchant a miniature glass spell jar containing herbs, crystals, essential oils, and other objects based on their needs and requests. I wanted to make these little portable vessel talismans more available to everyone price and purpose wise, compared to others that have been charged with a more specific intent or devoted to a specific deity.

I have a long history of using spell jars myself for various purposes whenever I feel compelled to create one or a special occasion arises. I'm picky about larger jars and bottles, however, so they are usually created in small corked jars or in larger jars that I will sometimes embellish or try new things to integrate that allow the spell jar to also be an appealing or intriguing piece of handmade everyday decor while serving its spiritual purpose, such as the one in the photo above.

For the most part, I have found a surprisingly amount of success with my spell jars. Not just myself, but others as well have reported events that they thought were directly related to their spell jar. I had created one for my neighbor a couple weeks ago who had been searching for a better job than the one she had at a preschool. The day after I gave her the jar, she received a text from an old coworker who notified her that a position at a bank she had applied at months ago that had nothing available at that time had just opened up.

This actually exceeded my expectations. In my experience, magick takes time. Others who have commented on the success of their spell jars or magick in general would contact me a few weeks or so after using their spell kit or receiving their spell jar. I created a spell jar back in January to help jumpstart my small business selling my crafts and Craft and didn't really start to see a huge change until mid-March-April where I was more successful than even I anticipated.

This was about on par with what I expected in terms of time, as most spells I've ever done have taken days, weeks, or even months to start manifesting results that couldn't be passed off or ignored. To be sure, I include a scroll with each of my kits and jars explaining how they are best utilized, to have patience, how to set a purpose and intentions, the power of thinking positively, and that magick rewards those who are willing to work and make sacrifices for what they desire. To me, all of these things are virtues that this path teaches us and are part of what makes the Craft so empowering overall. Whether it was the spell or your hard work, you are the catalyst for change. You made things happen. I mean, what is more empowering than that?

This is part of the reason why I personally chose to over spell kits and magickal tools rather than offering to cast spells or perform rituals on one's behalf. It was my desire to make YOU feel empowered and you are the one ultimately responsible for your own success or failure, whether spiritually or otherwise. I'll gladly steer you down the road of success and provide you with my knowledge, experience, and guidance, but I am always clear about what to expect.

Unfortunately, we live in a time where instant gratification is anticipated and expected, which I never considered in terms of Witchcraft. I knew that no matter how many times I write 'set realistic expectations, focus on your purpose, be patient, and keep doing what your doing' that some people would just blow through all that hoping that they just bought a quick fix for all their problems for $6.99 + a buy one get one deal.

Two weeks or so ago, I had received an order for said jars from a young man who simply said he wanted a personalized spell jar for lucid dreaming and dream work and selected his second 'free' one for self empowerment. I reached out to clarify and answered some of his questions. My immediate impression from him was one of discord. He expressed a lot of turmoil in his life over the past few months and claimed to have taken on a lot of responsibility. He seemed young and eager, with a ton of questions regarding magick in general. I answered his questions the best I could, but reiterated the same values I expressed in the previous paragraph when asked why such and such spell wasn't working, 'should I not have done this,' etc. Magick takes time to manifest, especially when it comes to financial purposes like he explained which are inherently unlikely to resolve themselves overnight.

He seemed happy enough with his purchase and said as much when he received his package. A couple days later, I received a notification about a review he had left which was negative, saying one of his spell jars didn't work with a message delivered in tandem asking what purpose I had set for his spell jar.

Let me say this: I am not upset with him or complaining about his review. He is entitled to his own opinion, although I was annoyed with how quickly he had come to the conclusion when in the instructions I provided him I specifically said that these things take time to work. Anyone who receives results instantly or within the next day or so are exceeding my own expectations. Which is great! Hooray!

But this is definitely not the standard I've come to expect in all the years I've been practicing the Craft.

I continued chatting with and answering this young man's questions and ultimately uncovered that he was upset about a variety of things that had been going on in his life. In his mind, he felt entitled to have these things work for him sooner rather than later and was frustrated and angry that nothing he tried had been working out the way he expected.

In the time that I have opened my little shop, I have (thankfully) only run into one other person like this- where their understanding of Witchcraft seems to have been compiled from television and movies. After the first, I learned to tread lightly around these individuals because, whether it's their fault or not, they have been mislead.

Television shows like old school Charmed and the newer Salem and Witches of East End are really entertaining. I enjoyed watching them, but they are the absolute enemy of those who practice magick / witchcraft as a form of religion or spirituality. Sure, some of these shows actually do their research. Even Buffy the Vampire Slayer was ahead of its time introducing Wiccans, Technopagans, and New Age practices to pop culture and in many ways helped to show people an obscured version of the truth during the 'Satanic Panic' period when even witches hated being called witches and the pentagram / pentacle difference became an actual difference that wasn't just a choice of words.

Newer generations growing up with Harry Potter, which is hardly a great introduction into magickal traditions, were at least more open minded than the previous generation to the actuality of witchcraft and magick as a spiritual practice.

I mean, who doesn't want to snap their fingers and make the house tidy in one fell swoop?

I sure do. But even when I first started practicing at 11 I understood that that just isn't how it is.

This young man who was saying he lead a coven sounded more like he was LARPing than legitimately asking for spiritual guidance. I realized real quick that I couldn't do anything for him. What he wanted and expected, no matter how many times I referenced the instructions I provided (he evidently hadn't acknowledged) and relayed to him my own experience and expectations, he was looking for that 'quick fix' and someone or something to blame for when it didn't work the way he thought it would. The main reason for his complaint? The night after he received his spell jar, he said he just dreamnt about the moon.

My understanding of lucid dreaming was having direct control over ones dreams. The more I talked to this person the more it became clear that this wasn't his understanding of lucid dreaming. I tried to ask what he had tried to gain that control, as many of you know that I suffered from sleep paralysis for years and taught myself how to realize and 'break out' of it over time. He referenced making offerings to a goddess. I had to stop.

I'm sure that another business minded witch would have sold him something else or offered an exchange. I (stupidly) tried to make him understand that he has the power to manifest his desires. All I did was provide him with a tool to help things along.

This was the same for the woman I had dealt with months ago who said that she had been told by this coven owned business that she was a vampire reincarnated to be with her lover. That was the ultimate end of our conversation because she didn't seem very open to anything I suggested. Whether the things she bought were 'effective' for her or not we will never know. When she started messaging me to the point of harassment I deleted her messages and flagged them as spam. All this time and effort spent consoling someone who really isn't in the right frame of mind for magick or witchcraft.

The main point in writing this ranty post is to get the perspective of the community. What are your expectations for your own spells? What do you tell others when they ask? If you are also a 'witch shop' owner or own your own spiritual practice how do you deal with clients that have set unrealistic expectations for you and your Craft?

[elkrisen]

Just wanted to tell you that you sound like a very interesting person! And was also wondering if you had any like books or youtube videos or something like that that you recommend about spiritual stuff (?), I’m not sure that’s the right word. But I’m very interested in your divination station tag and would love to read more on it :) xx

Thank you! I have been described as a character (derogatory and honorary). I actually have been trying to compile a list of resources so that I could have a ready list of books/media that has helped me with craft. I have yet to find a youtube witch that I’ve found as a valuable resource (they’re either very condescending or incredibly watered down in their practice for me personally) but if you want to get into tarot I do actually recommend finding youtube tarot readers and watching how they do their readings. That was my gateway to divination because I was fascinated with their craft and assurance and eventually got my own deck of cards because of that. I also recommend buying or making your own pendulum (if you want to know how feel free to ask it’s super simple and cost effective) regardless of whether you do tarot or not, it’s a great first magical tool. 

If you want to buy (I think it’s 6.99 a month?)  a pretty reasonable priced course on craft I did this for a few months. https://thetravelingwitch.com/ she has a very legible collection of beginner resources if you want a very basic overview of craft. I feel like of all intro resources I’ve found this one was the most helpful because it had all of the information in one place and a pre-organized course that takes you from topic to topic making sure that you have the understanding you need before introducing you to bigger concepts. 

as for books here’s some that I’ve read in the last few months that I found incredibly helpful. I didn’t begin craft by reading (I was actually roommates with a practicing witch/reader for all of last year and that contributed a lot to my understanding so I think my biggest suggestion is befriending someone in craft or joining an online community. people are always going to be the best resource for seeing a practical application of this)

you can find all of these books online as pdfs. (zlibrary is my go to for downloading books - you get up to ten downloads a day and I’ve never gotten malware from their downloads) also I read about three books a week, usually on craft so if you/anyone else wants to follow my goodreads to keep up books I’m reading and rec’ing you are more than welcome to. x. <--goodreads

Honoring Your Ancestors: A Guide to Ancestral Veneration by Mallorie Vaudoise is probably my favorite craft book to date. It isn’t necessarily about the herbs, smoke, and mirrors type of magic but about connecting with your bloodline and honoring the people who came before you. It’s a book that anyone can read/glean from regardless of religious practice or belief because we all have ancestors and they are watching us and invested in our lives. It also includes prompts at the end of each chapter which are excellent for beginner/intermediate shadow work which is a key part of craft. 

Tarot Shadow Work: Using the Dark Symbols to Heal by Christine Jette is a great resource for finding tarot spreads and an introduction on how to use it for self-healing and understanding. this is an excellent resource for shadow work and was the first book on tarot I read that really influenced me as a reader. alternatively,  Kitchen Table Tarot: Pull Up a Chair, Shuffle the Cards, and Let's Talk Tarot by Melissa Cynova is the perfect beginner tarot book. I just finished this one the other day and wished that I had read it much earlier. It not only covers the cards and their meanings but also what it means to be a reader, both for yourself and others. 

Psychic Witch: A Metaphysical Guide to Meditation, Magick & Manifestation by Mat Auryn is a great intro to the mental side of magic. I see a lot of witches starting craft by making spell jars and charging crystals on their sill and there’s nothing wrong with that but ultimately your greatest magical tool is your own mind and you need to deprogram yourself from the capitalist aspect that has seeped into craft which is the idea that your tools make the witch when really we’re born with the only tool you need. I can do magic wherever I am regardless of what I have on me because I have my mind. 

I think those are the four books that I think would be a necessary part of any witches library. There’s a lot of other “intro” to witch books that I just personally don’t like because I don’t make spell jars or work with herbs/crystals because I prefer divination/mental magic much more. I eventually do want to create a page on my tumblr that will link anyone curious about getting into practice a cohesive list. I feel like this is a pretty bare bones list of resources - honestly, my best advice is pick three topics you are intrigued by in craft and do your own research. I figured out a lot about what I know by deep diving. I don’t there’s a perfect entry point because your curiosity is ultimately going to lead you to what you want. The best part about witchcraft is each practice is individual, I can’t tell you how to become me because our journey will lead you to you. however, these are the topics I would rec you looking at once you get past your personal topics.

How to make an altar. How to make (and close) a magical circle + the cardinal directions. Meditation (note: there are a lot of different ways to meditate outside of traditional meditation) Cleansing. Shadow work. Spirit guides. Angel Numbers. Protection. Grounding. 

Good luck! 

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey guys so here is my experience from last night lmaoo get ready cause it was unsurprisingly a hot mess full of white people microaggressions and me being alone as the only black person present having to deal with their spiritual charade shenanigans.

It's a bit long but it's a colorful description of the event and the experience taking ayahuasca, a wrap up of my own spiritual and magical journey and also a rant on the caucasity rampant in spirituality lol. A tl;dr is that it's sad that White People have to go across the world to take medicine from other people that have ceremonies revolving around it when.. we literally have our own stuff here that's like.. nearly the same vibe.. But more on that below.

So last night for the lions gate sun lining up with sirius star I was invited last minute to an ayahuasca ceremony in the edge of London kind of by Richmond park. The whole universe really opened up for me to do this Ceremony. 

At first I was like I dunno I mean its hosted by wealthy white people right? Admission was £200 and I was like absolutely Not, not for a medicine taken far away from it's land and I dunno how the experience was going to be like, plus it was on a Saturday night until Sunday morning and I work in hospitality and if I couldn't get Tuesdays off to at least work in the garden center growing food and plants how would I get the full weekend off? Plus the ceremony was already full. Well without even ASKING, or really thinking much about it, for once in like.. 2 years working for this company I got the full weekend off?!?! The fuck!!!!! Like I literally had to go to my director to fight my manager to try to get off Tuesdays which are the QUIETEST day of the week for hospitality but I got the full weekend off on like one of the hottest summer weekends in England. My friend co-hosting the ceremony called me to tell me that I wouldn't have to pay full admission and it was all donation to the tribe anyway (like suggested donation) anything I could give would be appreciated but I certainly did not have to pay the full fee. Then I was supposed to go to the beach with my friends in the morning but that all fell through due to unforeseen circumstances. I was thinking the beach trip would make me unable to go to the ceremony but it was just like.. cancelled the morning of lol. Lastly this guy dropped out last second so there was space for me.I was like damn it was like the Universe reshuffled itself for me many times to do this so like sure I will take this opportunity. Plus my friend in this group did work with the tribe in Brazil earlier this year and they are friends with them and do this to raise money so that they can sustain themselves better, like they are building solar panels for electricity, building chicken coups and trying to integrate little bits of modern society (like the electricity and water filtration parts, not like social media and capitalism lmao) into their lives. The last ceremony they did they raised like 2,000 pounds and this got the tribe a lot of food and funds to buy solar panels. So I was like ok this is also a good cause I always would love to help out indigenous people that protect the Earth.

Anyway there was a vibe about the way the Universe just opened itself up for this medicine that reminded me of Mushrooms. Like it's a strange thing but people that take mushrooms medicinally say it as well like it finds you when you need it. Last night I also got a great link to healing mushrooms as well and it was just the time to open myself up to that type of frequency I guess. For a while before it was a challenge to find for years I’ve been living here, but all of a sudden the universe was like: here you go! Anyway I was thrilled to work with this medicine and ground the lessons I've learned getting pinball tossed around the cosmos on DMT at the beginning of 2020 in January.

-

So yes I got to the edge of London and it was in some beautiful secret entrance building painted with murals of green jungle designs, A LOT of Indian spiritual symbolism everywhere, statues of Ganesha and other bejeweled paintings of Indian gods. It was beautiful but to be frank as much as I find Hinduism beautiful I never related much to it cause it's not my culture. What I mean by 'relate' is that there is this SEVERE obsession in white western cultures looking for spirituality in Hinduism and I never really got it. Like yes it's beautiful like many other nature-based spiritual religions but we are so far removed from the climate and nature of India like why are they so fascinated by it? Then.. there were some red flags... 

Ok for starters I was the ONLY NOT-WHITE PERSON there. I think it bothered me more in this moment cause I just got off discussing with an incredible Earthy witch in NYC who changed my life who's trying to do work by providing a nature sanctuary garden for POC how nature is so inaccessible to us and it's gate-kept by wealthy white people. I could elaborate on that more later but this post will be long enough lol. But anyway, why is this medicine not accessible to POC? When it's something not even native to here either? So it's like deliberately not shared with us?

Then there were just some people's vibes like ooooh boy I dunno why but some people just felt cold towards me? Like I guess they were annoyed at me showing up last minute to their ceremony? But my friend was co-hosting it? Like if you trust my friends judgement you should have trusted her in inviting me like I am not some asshole. But they were like.. impatient with me I guess? Like 'oh you didn't bring a waterbottle?? Guess you gotta borrow one of ours.' like BITCH I don't know what to expect man the closest experience I had to this substance was DMT where it knocks you the fuck out of your body and your spirit gets catapulted into the cosmos like I didn't know I gotta bring shit, damn! And then there were some people I felt like I just didn't want to talk to. Like they already had this cold vibe towards me like they didn't think I was relatable cause I wasn't some white cosmic yoga hippie like them (sorry I am a black bog witch like leave me alone) but anyway the way they were talking about the medicine was kind of irking me too like, 'ooh can't wait to clear some stuff I just gotta clear it out you know?' I am like, Becky we gonna be vomiting into buckets like calm down.

AND THEN LASTLY oooh boy so when you do any psychedelic the space really matters right? My friend like.. assigns me this fucking (ooh boy just typing this story and reliving it I am already getting heated lmaooo) |CORNER| spot and what I mean by corner is that it is in the corner of the room but wedged between the fireplace so you are stuck between 3 tight walls and you can't fully lie down or stretch your legs. Everyone across the room could lie down but me. Then there are like vomit buckets and this white girls crystal grid blocking my path if I need to leave to use the toilet or even stretch my legs so already I am having a slight panic moment cause I hate being confined. In general, I tend to like to pick aisle seats on planes and stand on either corners by the door of the elevator cause I fucking hate being confined. So I say something immediately like: ok well can I change spots? I am worried about being blocked. Can I sit there? 'no someone is there.' There? 'no' etc. So I am just like omg I am going to have to deal with it and some people are getting a bit fussy that I am trying to demand better treatment, so I am leaving it. They at least move the pile of vomit buckets out my way lol. But these white women next to me have also taken ALL OF THE NICE fucking pillows to make themselves super comfortable pillow chairs like one for their ass and back against the wall and they were like: oh no you'll need a pillow too! (Cause the ceremony is 12 hours long throughout the night like 9 to 9) and I was like yeah... and they were like: oh no there is no more!! But like CLEARLY all of the nice cushiony things were not evenly distributed across the room and the few people who did not get some nice cushions at least had space to stretch their legs. I didn't really say anything cause obviously these two white women had like pillow thrones happening next to me and this woman literally said with a pouty face: Aww, now I feel bad cause I have two nice pillows!  BITCH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!?!?! Fucking christ. See?? SEE IT's shit like THIS that make POC hate that kind of white guilt shenanigans like, oh my god bitch either swallow your guilt in peace or give me a fucking pillow like you are trying to shift the position on to me to pressure you into giving me a pillow which you would either read as demanding or hope that I stay silent and be like: it's ok! so you can enjoy your comfort in peace and be free of your guilt. Like fuck off!!

Then there was this full time astrologer there who has some indigenous feather clip in her hair for some reason. She wanted to say a few things about what was going on with the planets. She was like: I love charting asteroids cause I feel like it's a representation of the divine feminine coming back! (I was going to be like: Me too! But the way she spoke about it was like.. not all of it is feminine? What do you mean?) she was talking about Medusa and eros conjunct in gemini right now and the myth of medusa being smited by aphrodite for being beautiful or whatever and I am thinking like I do not recall this myth cause it was Athena that turned her into the 'monster' to protect her wtf. And wanted to talk about mars retrograde that's not coming up for a while. So anyway I am like: Yeah! I love astrology too!  All that you talked about was pretty cool but I also wanted to mention some big changes are coming up with Uranus going into retrograde a week from now!! :) and everyone just like.. disregarded what I said.. Like she was like: oh yeah.. that's just an outer planet.. OK BITCH like I am pretty sure Uranus, a big ass planet that has to do with revolution, freedom and change going retrograde until Autumn is much more noteworthy than some little asteroid who's myth and energy you've completely misinterpreted being conjunct with Eros. (Eros is moving into Cancer really soon too so the conjunction isn't even going to last that long). Plus I wanted to mention that it was nice that we were doing this ceremony on an Aries moon cause it's like the symbolic start of a cycle yet it's a disseminating moon so it's also like starting off a cycle by celebrating the fruits of our success. But no one really wanted to listen to me anymore though that energy did influence my trip.

Anyway there was a part of me that was pretty bummed that my best witch friend that I did DMT with could not have come as well cause there just was no more space. At least we are always on the same vibe with everything and we would have been laughing about the shadiness of it all or excited about what's to come but I felt pretty alone during this ceremony.

-

So it begins, I got my borrowed waterbottle, the smallest, thinnest and hardest pillow that no one wanted for my ass that hurt more to sit on then the thin yoga mat that was just as thick as a human mousepad and I am like: who knows I may be so out of it I won't notice my space as much. The woman leading this is someone who worked with my friend in the tribe in Brazil. She is Russian and got the feathers in her blonde whispy hair and shit I am like oh boy. She explains what work they were doing and the reason for the fundraiser like the details of what the tribe is building and how they are supporting themselves. Also the tribe that night were also doing an ayahuasca ceremony earlier to sync with us so that they can meet up in the Astral plane which is really beautiful. She also explained how they were surprised at westerners fascination with the medicine. Cause they are like: this is apart of everyday life and there are other healing plants in the amazon too. Like why do westerners have a fascination with this? It is a way to connect with the jungle and cleanse yourself and reset (once again I am making that connection to mushrooms I am like.. the vibe sounds oddly familiar), but they find westerners interest in it weird.

Ok so we start with some ceremonies to open up the space and create this 'fire spiral' altar in the middle of the room. They light the pillar candle and have a tea light for everyone in the room. We each go around to light our tea light in the spiral with our intention allowed. People go there and declare stuff like: I am free, I am aligned with my path, etc.  I think about my intention for this trip and how it feels like another pillar of understanding in my journey to connect with my heart energy, love myself and be proud of my accomplishments cause I really came a long way. I was a bit afraid it was going to be another chaotic DMT experience but I just reminded myself that no matter how bad I felt everything was going to be ok cause I have people in this world that care about me. Even if I disappear somewhere or end up dead someone will come looking for me. And I know that sounds dramatic and morbid but at one point like 5 years ago I really did not have that. I was alone, lost and suicidal. I know what loneliness can do to people and it's nice all of the friends I pulled together in London who are creative diverse witches that all made great friends with each other as well through me and it's like we created this new found family that cares and supports each other. So I light my candle and say alloud: I am protected by love and reflect that in the things I create. Anyway the ceremony leader is like.. can I say something?? BITCH!!! HOOOOO MY GOD I should I have said NO but I was like, ok, she is the ceremony leader so I am like.. go ahead.. She was like: By saying you are protected by love that's implying you could be attacked.. (Like Why the fuck would you say this?? While I am lighting my candle?? You are putting negative energy towards my intention wtf) I was like no I meant it like.. I am supported by love. She is like: ah yeah that's better say that. She did not want to correct NONE OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE when they were saying 'I am free'? BITCH you could have had the same energy like: that's implying you could be enslaved. Anyway that irritated me into my trip. I took the ayahuasca from her and as I was feeling the effects I was feeling more and more adamant about my intentions.

-

I was thinking about the times when I was alone, when I was targeted and attacked by this stupid racist social group in college that made me feel unworthy of friendship and it was hard to make new friends until I was 21 cause it was a city college so most people hung out with their highschool friends until they were old enough to go out and drink so the first two years I was fucking lonely and the subject of like a lot of harassment when I did try to socialize in clubs and would run into those people there. It nuked my self esteem. Plus though I did so much finding friends magic it was really difficult finding friends that into the same things I was. Sometimes I felt like I was the only witch, the only person really into nature and magic. After college I did another spell and met this incredible witch that we synched so much (I have def wrote wild adventures with us together but she was also abusive cause at that point I still did not know how to establish my boundaries well) but I met other amazing witches in NYC but eventually we all moved. The incredible Earth witch who changed my life was the one who accidentally gave me shrooms that were like grown with love and intention that helped break down my mental barriers and help me take charge of my life and finally move out of my house I grew up in.. like completely out of the country and into England to start my life anew. In England I was successful in making a whole community of loving witch friends who really care about me and add to the ceremonies I host. I joined greenspaces to learn how to grow food and plants. I fucking STRUGGLED in my job getting my food in the door with bartending and slaving my way up until I have a cushy desk office job with healthcare. All in 2 years. I fucking hauled ass and created and manifested the life I always wanted when I was suicidal in NYC thinking that this reality was impossible. And every time I feel anxious I know that since I love and trust in myself that I will always protect myself and even if I was worried I have like a whole SET of magical badass witch friends who would help me at anything and I would do the same for them. 

When my roommate was threatening to call the police on me back when lockdown happened (long story) one friend did some healing on her and she like completely came to her senses and apologized the next day which was wild considering that she's such a proud self-absorbed person and would never do that. She realized that she was acting super ugly and was like wow I don't want to be this person. (Also I was so close to cursing the shit out of her lol but we are cool now). Also I am going away to Italy for the first time to be with this gorgeous man who wants to take me around his hometown but I am only going cause another close witch friend just moved to the neighboring town and will check up on me. She made sure to call him without me even asking to look at his itinerary and include herself and her boyfriend in a night of drinks to check up on us lmaoo. She is such an Aries I love her. If anything would happen to me she would make sure I was safe and could stay with her if something went wrong. God I could go on about each friend, how they've helped me with confidence, healing, safety and just feeling loved, valued, accepted and less alone which is powerful in this society that thrives on people not valuing themselves and where pure unconditional love has seemed to have lost it's meaning. One thing I admire about trees so much is how when they grow together their roots intertwine underneath the ground so that they can support each other upright during winds and storms. They also send nutrients to each other and help each other grow. I feel like I made a network of trees with witch friends in London and I am proud of that when I didn't have that years ago when I was alone and actively hated by a group in college. (I mean about the group it was more like a dynamic where a guy who had control over the club wanted to shun me cause he just likes the power dynamic of picking someone to talk shit about like literally if it was not me it was going to be someone else. So one party cause I did have a crush on him, I told him as I was wasted I was into him but then later apologized when sober if he didn't feel the same way. Like it really wasn't a big deal, I was a flirty 19 year old, but it was fuel for him to once again redirect negative attention on someone cause he's someone who's insecure so he likes the power of getting others focus on people and crush them. The "mutual friends" kind of didn't care about what was going on. The reason why this dynamic worked is cause in a way everyone was a bit lonely and didn't value themselves so they were willing to do anything to fit into a toxic social circle to have access to a club room and drink underage on campus to feel included and didn't want to question who the witch hunt of the week was so they could feel like they were in the ‘in crowd’. It was pathetic when one of them would be the new target and they would come to me like: boohoo I know what it feels like. Bitch I do not care and I made new friends and moved on. Fucking cunts.  -Another thing about being protected by love is like as a black woman even though I got some privileges being mixed and half European I still was subject to racism and I am still scared of hate crimes fueled by sexism and queerphobia but I have friends who will support me and understand and if anything happened to me people would care. Like yes some people in this world DO have things to fear about getting attacked cause we are not all privileged in society to not fear getting hurt Karen.

Anyway as the ayahuasca was kicking in I started getting a bit emotional cause I was thinking about people in the world that really deserve to be loved in this society that condemns us for loving ourselves which is the most important thing. I was crying thinking about black kids especially black girls trying to survive in this society or LGBT+ kids and how some people can't even have their existences respected. How people mock others for their gender identity but those people are in a constant battle with loving themselves cause I am sure at the end of the day they feel hopeless at times or giving up and have to fucking battle dysphoria and have to survive in a society that actively wants them dead and its really fucking upsetting like hooo them psychadelics were opening my heart and grief while this white woman across the room was doing some downward dog yoga shit into her bucket so she can wretch into it lmaoo..

When it started kicking in, boy omgg I felt SO GOOD but I was like..  This.. THIS (I got so mad when I realized this)  THIS IS JUST FUCKING MUSHROOMS LIKE!!!!! !!! ! THIS VIBE IS SERIOUSLY JUST SHROOMS, THE JUNGLE EDITION™   like no wonder the tribes are like: what are white people on about? Cause if they all came with their pashmina scarves, harem pants and grinch-finger dreadlocks to my woodland for mushrooms, especially when there are so many magical plants as well but they are just focusing on this psychedelic when there's also like native medicines in every land I would be a bit confused too. Like we were drinking something that was the equivalent of mushroom tea but it made you vomit it back up eventually. Ohh my god lmaooo. 

I felt so beautiful though. Some comparisons if you guys have done mushrooms: where as mushrooms make you feel these gentle pulsations like everything is breathing around you had has this gentle life breathing among everything like it's all connected (like the mycellium under a forest), ayahuasca makes you feel so sensual like everything is kind of just rolling like how the underside of waves look except the waves are large snakes. Like things start getting wavy the way snakes move but slow and sensually, think like the way a bellydancers hips can roll. It was a whole MOOD. Also with mushrooms when you close your eyes you can see these beautiful patterns bloom before your eyes like pastel art nouveau fractal patterns of tree roots, or clusters of bubbles you'd see looking at plant stems vascular bundles under a microscope or the web-like pattern you see in butterfly and dragonfly wings. With ayahuasca when you close your eyes you see like bright neon colored geometric shapes expanding like bismuth crystals, the patterns you see in indigenous textiles like triangles and cubes, sometimes they will lattice together and make beautiful neon snake-skins that gently slither together. If you've ever seen Miyazaki's/Studio Ghibli's castle in the sky it reminds me of that 'lost technology' metal blocks with runes and scriptures on it moving around. Sometimes you will be following this thread of cubes and they'd be moving around like in that scene and in this cavern of blocks you'd see this celestial-looking geometric crystaline being be revealed. It's very beautiful. Though mushrooms can make you purge, it really does not happen often. However with ayahuasca it's almost a guarantee you will vomit it back up.

So people are all wretching everywhere as the ceremony leader is singing some folk songs from the tribe to guide us through our journey. What's cool is that you kind of feel that purge coming towards the peak end of the trip like a kind of brown murky snake rising from the bottom of your body up like kundalini energy starting from the base of your spine bowels past your stomach up until it pokes from your throat opening up that passage way until you feel it in your head and you just release it all out into the bucket. Not really glam but it doesn't taste bad but then again being a bog witch I drink all sorts of murky plant teas so I am used to the flavor palate. (It's like a sweet in an aromatic way and reminds me of one of those chinese medicinal murky teas).

Also as I was realizing the similarities between this and shrooms I was like wow it's a shame that we aren't outside or somewhere with jungle plants at least to connect with that plant energy. Instead we are in this hindu spiritual retreat place but if we just did some shrooms we could have been out in the sunlight at richmond park hugging the massive ancient trees there and feeding the wild deer summer strawberries like instead I am fucking cramped in this corner vomiting into a bucket with this exotic medicine.

As my trip went on I was thinking more about my friends who care about me and support me and how much I loved them and I couldn't stop thinking about my best witch friend that I did DMT with whom I wish was there. Like we would at least have been laughing about this or vomiting together or she would be like: omg this would be such great play-write material. She is white passing but super self aware and would at least make sure that I felt ok and included in all of this. I took a moment to step out of the circle to text her about the details and the woman in the corner doing yoga and vomiting in her downward dog pose and she was cackling and of course since the medicine connects you to that heartspace I was like confessing how much I care about her and how much of a special friend she was to me and was tearing up but one of the ceremony leaders followed me outside and was like: no phones!! It's not good energy!! Omg?? Like sorry I forgot cellphones were the devil's energy, it's not like I am bored and scrolling through social media, I just wanted to connect with my best friend who makes me feel less alone thanks.. Anyway I went back after being scolded and tried to get comfortable in my cramped spot.

Some positive affirmations I did get through all this was that (bringing back the disseminating moon vibe) I was loved and should be really proud of how far I've come. I kept thinking about all the people I love and cared about and how I should express my love in little ways that will make them happy like celebrating love everyday to make sure that people can feel supported cause it was the themes of my DMT trip too but now it was clearer and more grounded. I also got messages that sometimes I tend to be too selfless and there will be a time that I will help others but I should prioritize myself first mostly cause when my cup is full or when I get to positions of power or comfort I can always share that with people I care about. It was a good conclusion to a half years effort cause this also reflected my Glastonbury trip back in November where this witch who read my tarot cards gave me the clearest reading of my life and told me that I would not do well if I did not confront my heart energy and the pain there that was still festering from the social experience at university. So the efforts I went through my friend giving me sound healing and the DMT trip and other stuff has really opened up my heart and helped me to connect with that energy and care about myself more. But there was the theme again of I really need to protect myself first. Sometimes when the white girl next to me was mercilessly wretching and wailing into her bucket I felt so emotional for her that I would fan her but I would get this loud voice in my head like: DID SHE EVEN ASK THAT OF YOU?? FAN YOURSELF IT'S HOT BITCH- SHE OK SHE GOT HER FUCKING PILLOW THRONE WHEN YOUR ASS IS ON THE HARD GROUND. After purging and trying to get comfortable in my corner I would get increasingly aware of the lack of space and how I was starting to feel claustrophobic and it was starting to fuck with me. Cause yeah I got mental health issues, but it's usually under wraps when I take care of myself like, good sleep, food and water but, I was getting sleep deprived since this was an all night ceremony, I wasn't able to eat food to fast before this, and now I can't even fucking lie down cause I was in a coffin of a corner on the hard ground. My muscles and knee joints were starting to hurt. People were so in the zone just like.. doing arm-trance dance shit or throwing up while the ceremony host was hollering some songs which no one understood the meaning to and I felt at that point it was too late to ask anyone to share their pillows. I was noticing as I was coming down from the sensual jungle slithering plane that I was in muscle and joint pain.

I was like: Ok it's fine, the night would go by quickly.. It was not going by quickly.. I remember once I was sneakily looking at my phone’s clock and it was 4:30AM. I was like ok just gotta get through this time will pass.. The ceremony leader was like intoning some frequency so loudly she was trying to channel some celestial dolphins and whales or some shit but it was so high pitched the crown of my head would be vibrating and at first it feels energizing and cool but since my head hasn't had anyplace comfortable to rest I got a tension migraine from placing it on the floor so I could feel the high pitch note like vibrating the pain in my head. Then she was doing individual healings (I also got skipped somehow in this), she would be like channeling the frequencies for each person and making sure they purged what they need to purge and they would wretch into the bucket some more as she was growling into their backs, the feathers stuck in her blonde hair, quivering as she growled, there was the yoga girl now crying releasing her purge again. Someone was sticking their legs into the air and waving them around cause of energy I guess. I am like ok ok time will pass quickly.. what time is it? *sneakily checks my phone again so I won't get yelled at* 4:32am

OH HELL NO. I am trying to calm myself down but like if you struggle with the mental health imbalance I was in the red zone. Like I have not eaten, my stomach is cleared with vomiting, I cannot sleep, I am CONFINED in this corner, unable to stretch my legs, I am in PAIN, I feel alone.. They go around offering everyone a cup again and I am like: fuck it let me take a second cup..

So I start feeling good again, I feel like a sensual snake like trying to slither across silk. (You know when snakes try to slither across silk but they cannot move across it? It's like that you are just slithering in place) but literally I also feel like a clearer message in my mind almost like the spirit of ayahuasca is communicating with me like: Hun.. babe.. You got your positive affirmations that it's your time to rest and celebrate all you're hard work but you need to remember that you gotta honor and take care of yourself as a part of self love and you being confined in this space is not an act of self love. Especially if you do decide to stay here longer your mood and health will drop so low that it will affect others healings so it's best for everyone if you try to go home early. Like I felt the spirit of that medicine actually encouraging me to leave. Like the fucking ayahuasca itself was like this environment isn’t healthy for you lmaoooo.   And I think that's wild.. It's so wild that these white women are all like: We are going to connect with the cosmic dolphin frequencies, and the tribe in the amazon and the human race, but they CAN'T EVEN FUCKING CONNECT TO THE BLACK GIRL IN PAIN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, like they can't even distribute their nice pillows, they can't even read that I need help. They SKIPPED me with the individual healing. They were so cold towards me. Fuck it! Even my friend's companion dog who was there noticed I was off. She would look at me with concern in her big eyes and apprehension cause she could feel my pain turning into mentally unstable anger. I was like aw man I am killing the dogs vibe right now but damn the dog noticed and even these white women didn't?! Like I dunno if they are that empathetically shut off or if they were deliberately ignoring me. lmao, Also I think maybe cause I vibe so much with plants and genuinely want to reforest some land some day maybe that's why I feel so at home in the ayahuasca high like the medicine was really comforting the second cup but it also was like: you cannot hide within my frequency to escape pain- cause obviously it's NOT a substance for escapism. Anything but. It was like: it's time to go home and take care of yourself. (Like you'd imagine being on the brink of a mental breakdown taking this stuff may push you over the edge but it was actually very loving, sensual and re-affirming again.)

So the ceremony leaders notice since it's 5AM that most people are comfortably asleep in their piles of pillows and stretched out legs and they are about to go to bed but I go up to my friend and am like: thank you for everything, I think I should go home now.. And the women leading it were all Surprised and Shocked! 'Oh my goodness?? She's leaving?! Going home? The event isn't over!' Mind you this is by Richmond park and I live in north London by Hampstead heath so yeah it is a mission. I also could not afford the £40 uber so I was willing to take the shady public sunday morning night bus home lmao (oh no she'll expose herself to all that heavy shady energies of public transit! 🙄). But I was like the amount of time the bus would take from me to go home is probably not as long as the way time was inching slowly within that space and me being in pain. So my friend walked me out and I was trying to be as loving and cheerful and grateful cause I honestly did not want to bring down anyone's vibe. She checked up on me as I was getting my things to make sure I had a healing experience. I tried to be a little honest in being like: It was beautiful, it reminded me of mushrooms but like from the jungle.. Honestly the reason why I am leaving is cause I am in physical pain and I don’t think I can stay in the corner any longer; and she was like: yeah well ceremony is never comfortable. HOOOOOO LAWDDD. Oooof.. Omg.. Like.. OOF firstly.. The ceremony leaders each had 3 stacks of like thick pillowy matts to sleep on which ONE Of them could have been given to me and like yeah I am sure ceremony is at least bearable when you have a fucking pillow throne and mattresses and not confined in a coffin of a corner spot unable to move your legs without knocking someone’s vomit bucket over. Jesus. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my shit and left. As soon as I was free on the other side of the gate I felt SO RELIEVED!!

It was so refreshing being outside on sunrise, free to stretch my legs. I could still feel the affect of the medicine as things would pass me by and I'd see like this stream of energy behind them it was really pretty and cool. Since it was London in Liminal Space Hours™, there were foxes everywhere leaving behind streams of soft light as they'd move around the empty streets. The bus was pretty chill other than this fucking creep of a man walking in this dark cloud and when he moved past me his stream of light was literally some ugly fluorescent hostile neon color I was like wow I can literally see your grimy frequency right now lmaoo. But whatever, anything was better than staying silent in that cramped corner to cater to white women's comfort.

Anyway I got home, got plenty of water, took care of myself and crashed on my super comfortable bed. It was a really good decision I made I could not imagine staying until 9 AM like it was not possible and I am grateful I honored myself in leaving early and listening to ayahuasca's reminder to do that as well.

-

So the conclusions I made:

White people as a modern cultural collective are fucking wild and can sometimes be a lost cause, cause we literally have medicine here that does similar stuff and more like flying ointments which can help you confront your shadow and fly to other planes but they just want to lose themselves in the mysteries of other peoples exotified cultures that still have traditions in tact to celebrate the nature around them cause white people are disconnected completely from the nature that they come from. (Also obviously to clarify I mean white people as the modern white supremacist culture, obviously not everyone individually cause I am friends with a lot of white witches here doing invaluable work connecting people back with the native land, plant medicines and traditions and many of them trying to save the Gaelic language and traditions that are still under threat and being killed off today).

Though ayahuasca can be more of a powerful cleanser than mushrooms, it's essentially the same frequency of plant medicine like the same vibe just connecting you to another land and there is a reason why indigenous people think white people are weird for over glorifying it when we have our own shit. If you are really curious about ayahuasca I mean mushrooms are good enough a job really and will better connect you to the woodlands that you may live in. 

 Most importantly I kind of understand the type of role I need to play and the path there isn't clear cut but it's important for me to keep spreading that message of love. Right now we live in a dark dank ass time line when the Earth is transiting some dark corner of the cosmos and everything is going through it's own nasty purge while we try to ascend to a new and better reality. However this new and better reality is really indifferent towards the existence of the human race or white supremacy so as the earth ascends and has it’s own purges, if people don't fucking get it together, especially white people, we are going to get taken out as the rest of the world thrives and glows up without us. It's so easy to fall into a spiral of self hate cause this shitty evil society we live in thrives on us not knowing how to honor ourselves and love ourselves. Even capitalism has twisted the idea of loving ourselves into something selfish or synonymous with splurging money to further empower stupid companies to give us quick highs from new purchases that will lose it's meaning and later pollute the earth.

On these trips a message I keep on getting is that love and life are synonymous. It's true and sad that there are many people brought into this world without love but what lets life thrive and what makes life worth living is love. And love is really that energy where we are grateful in our existence and the existence of our friends and those that support us and nature that supports us. But often what helps us understand that love is being able to support ourselves and do stuff that honors ourselves. And yes being loved IS a need, so it's important to seek out friends that validate you and that will love and support you and that you can do the same with them. If you find that network you will feel less alone and when you love yourself you will never feel alone and that in itself is true empowerment. When you have love in your life like that you can do anything and you will always feel safe. And I think that's why I was crying at the beginning of my trip cause I know what it's like to not have that. I know what it was like to feel hopeless and suicidal. We also live in a society that like beats down on kids of color especially black girls and like LGBT kids especially trans kids and it makes me so sad to think that there are people here that don't even realize how valuable they are by just existing. Like their lives don't just matter, they are INVALUABLE and that they need to fight for themselves every day and make the effort to love themselves cause honestly once they push through and really figure out how to love themselves they don't realize that they are literally a beacon of light and hope for others to learn how to love themselves too. Once they get to that place someone else who could be alone and struggling can look to them and be like: wow I do have the right to exist and be valued cause this person found a way to do it themselves even though society shat on them the whole time. And it's important to support your peers in these marginalized groups as well and be allies to those who are not well supported in this society. Like this is such a shitty timeline but people need to realize that they are made of love and that they are valuable and that the future of humanity and our peace and well being depends on their missions to find love for themselves and overcome white supremacy's demon ass structure that is enslaving us all.

Ok that is all. If you have read all of this thank you <3

[catradoramma]

Day 1: “It will be fun, trust me.”

Yay!! June is finally here and the fics will keep coming!! This one will have a part 2 coming later on in the month, so stay turned for that!! Hope y’all enjoy! Thanks for 2k!! 

part 2 | part 3 | ao3

**Buy me a Kofi**

It turned out that after an almost universe-ending invasion, a lot of rebuilding was necessary. She-Ra may have healed the planet, but thousands of people were still without homes. And so, instead of kicking Hoard ass, the Princess Alliance had taken to rebuilding. A lot of rebuilding.

Every town and village had their own customs and traditions, which was cool considering when the rebuilding was done there was usually a huge party. But it also meant that there was a lot of slogging through the forest looking for sacred beetles, or butterflies, or on one memorable occasion, sacred ants.

Adora shuddered at the memory.

She hated ants.

This time around, Adora had managed to snag Catra along for the adventure. They’d been searching for some sort of pink spotted flower for about an hour in a huge market where most sacred items were actually pretty easy to find. It was kind of nice to be able to get away for a little while even if they were still technically working. They had just been so busy lately that they hadn’t been able to see each other much. And honestly, Adora kind of missed hanging out with Catra.

“Jeez, I didn’t even know it was possible for places like this to exist,” Catra said as they walked hand-in-hand though the busy streets of the marketplace.

Adora chuckled softly. “I know. I always feel a little surprised whenever I come to places like this.”

“Places? Plural? Wack,” Catra shook her head.

Adora laughed and tugged her along. The worst part about trying to make it through crowded places though, was the fact that eventually Adora was recognized.

“She-Ra!” Someone called, and Adora was forced to look because apparently it was a bad look to ignore the people of Etheria when they called for her.

A young woman, no taller than Adora’s sternum and looking no older than her, grabbed Adora’s free arm. “Yes! The She-Ra and her lover! You must allow me to give you both a reading!”

“A reading?” Adora asked, a little confused, at the same time Catra gagged around the word ‘lover’. Adora looked up to the woman’s stall. It was a leaning cloth construction with a banner proudly advertising love potions and romantic foresight.

“Uhh...No thanks. I’ve had enough spiritual ladies telling me what I need to do for my future,” Adora said, trying not to sound mean or judgemental.

“Please!” The woman begged. “Your auras are so lovely! I would love a closer look!”

Adora looked back at Catra who had been uncharacteristically quiet. At Adora’s look she shrugged. “What harm could it do?”

“You wanna do this?” Adora asked, a little thrown off. Catra wasn’t usually into stuff like this.

“Sure,” Catra shrugged, taking the lead this time. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Just trust me,” she said, throwing one of her knockout smiles Adora’s way.

Adora sighed softly and was helpless to resist. They followed the woman into the stall, which was actually much larger on the inside, making Adora wonder where exactly the tent was actually built.

“Cool,” Catra mumbled under her breath as she looked around. Adora had to agree. The tent was awfully cool.

They were led to a small table with two chairs on one side and a single chair on the other. The small woman gestured to the set of chairs before she herself dropped into the single on the opposite side.

Adora shrugged at Catra and they both took a seat.

“Oh, here we go! I can see your auras much better now!” The psychic said as she put a pair of off glasses on her face, the lenses were made of some sort of crystal rather than glass.

Auras! Catra mouthed over at Adora with an adorable mock-interested look, and Adora had to bite the inside of her cheek not to laugh. She reached out to hold Catra’s hand under the table instead.

“Ahh,” the psychic hummed. “Your relationship is new. Congratulations! However, I can see here that while you both have spoken deeply about your feelings, there are still many things left unsaid between the two of you.”

Adora frowned a little and glanced at Catra. She didn’t quite know what that meant. They talked almost every day about what they were feeling and Adora, personally, always tried to let Catra know if something was bothering her.

“Do not look so alarmed,” the young woman said, her hands coming up in a placating gesture. “This is a small hurdle you two will have to cross in a long and loving relationship.”

Adora let out a little of the tension in her shoulders, but still somehow felt a little uneasy. “Well, at least we know we’ll be together for a long time,” she said, looking to Catra with a smile.

Catra met the look, but didn’t say anything. Adora did not feel great about that.

“I know just the thing to help,” the psychic said, turning to a cabinet beside the table. She rummaged inside for a few beats before she pulled out a pair of pink glowing vials. “If you both drink one of these, your problems will be easily solved,” she said. “Don’t worry. It’s totally harmless. Just a little something for you both to be able to understand each other better.”

Adora and Catra both hesitated before Catra said, “I’ll drink it.”

“Wait, you’ll what?” Adora borderline whisper-screeched.

Catra turned to her with a roll of her eyes. “It’s going to help us, Adora. We should at least give it a try.”

“But,” Adora glanced at the woman before looking back at Catra. “It could be poison,” she whispered a little harshly.

Catra rolled her eyes, grabbed the potion, and downed it in one swig. Adora held her breath, silently panicking about all of the horrible ways Catra could die from this, already getting ready to summon She-Ra.

“Huh, nothing happened,” Catra said after a few beats.

“Of course nothing happened,” the young woman across from them said with an odd smile on her face that made Adora believe that something indeed had happened. “She-Ra, you must also drink yours.”

Adora hesitated for a moment before carefully drinking her own.

Huh, it actually tasted kind of good, Adora hummed to herself.

“See?” Catra said. “Not bad at all.”

The psychic smiled widely at the two of them. “Oh, and the flower you’re looking for is in stall number 463. Very nicely priced too,” she said.

Adora thought that was kind of weird, but because weirder things have happened to her, she nodded with a smile. “Um, thank you,” she said before grabbing Catra’s hand and making a hasty exit. The less time she spent in that creepy stall, the better.

part 2 | part 3 | ao3

[tarotjourney2021]

The Spiritual Community is getting on my nerves

Spirituality is weird, it's like a cult, but without giving it the title. It creeps on you, very vague, hidden, and tucked away. Wouldn't tell you much, but suggests it. Suggests it so obviously, right in front of my face, but it makes you question if I've imagined it, or if I am the kind of person who believes in such things.

I could almost swear, I've had an awakening. I was me one minute, the next minute this me has become a cast-away image of a blind confused person. The one way I can describe it, is 'I woke up'. There is a transformation happening that I cannot put in words, and as big as the earthquake that happened, everything and everyone else look exactly the same.

I almost feel like I have come to realizations, not that I am a scientist or special or anything, that I thought, of course, everyone else realized the same thing, but when I talk to them, I can see very clearly that they are similar to the old me. But I have changed, oooh I have changed, in what seems to be a split second... but when I look back, I know it started very subtly a very long time ago. All the signs were there, I was pulled to things that I have rationalized away, but underneath it all, it's all been there, but I didn't see it, I couldn't see it.

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. In 2nd grade, I was already built-in with the desire to not be here. I never wanted to be here, never wanted to be alive. I know this sounds suicidal and for a while, I thought I was, but I wasn't. I just don't care to be here, I so don't care to be here, that I couldn't believe how much work you need to put in, just to be alive. Dealing with other people, people in my own family, weighed so much on me. My mother was terrifying. She was always upset. She blamed everything in life on us, she was miserable because of us. Everything was terrible because of us. I believed her when I was a child, I believed that I was to blame for everything. I carried the shame she wanted me to carry. I still carry some of it, the logical side of my brain still likes to carry some guilt, as a precaution ... just in case in some psychological analysis, it turns out that I contributed to her being who she is.

I heard a few people say, that everything in my life, I have manifested. This, on some level, makes sense. I do believe in past and upcoming lives, and in souls reincarnating themselves in different people. This sounds crazy to the person I used to be, in my religion, it wasn't mentioned, and not you weren't supposed to be asking too many questions.

At this moment, it makes much more sense to me how manifestation works, because if I have manifested everything in my life, even the painful things, from a previous life, or karma from a previous life. I have a side of me that can be cruel, really, brutal. I probably unleashed that part in a previous life. And now I am paying for it in my health, my mental health, and my physical health. I am 36, and I feel like I barely lived, because I've always been sick. Terrible migraines, that would stay for days, I couldn't do anything. The pain was always the most terrible pain I would ever have. I feared it so much. I still do.

Then with time, my mental health started declining too. I have been depressed. Bed-ridden depressed for months. The act that I would put up to hide it, you would think I am Angelina Jolie in 'Salt', very well and able of hiding her emotions. But many times, I wouldn't bother hiding it, even from people at work, I just didn't have the strength. Hiding things requires strength, a lot of emotional strength, that has been waining. In one of Anodea Judith's books, she talks about the demon of the throat chakra, lies. And my throat chakra has been blocked, that's the one thing it was apparent was blocked. I couldn't stop stuttering. It was embarrassing. It is still embarrassing when I do it, but luckily I don't stutter as much anymore, I think people barely notice it. Most people.

But I had to lie, cause no one would understand. My life ended up being dependent on it, no one could know what I was doing, everything was illegal. Anything that strikes a beautiful chord with you is illegal. You can't love, you definitely can't fall in love with someone outside your religion. It's illegal, there is a punishment, you could lose your life for falling in love under their law. You can't have pleasure, that too is illegal. Your body is a sin to be covered. Your voice as well, shut that up too. They had all their twisted absurdities to explain it all away. I don't think any of them actually tried thinking. Why would they? Their brain is only designed as a vessel to memorize what they have been told, it's a memory reserve. Even though productivity rule #1, is that your brain is not made for storing things, it is made to think. But how dare I think and cast doubt, I must submit. To who? To them?

Anyways, I lied so many times, I used up my reserve of lies, it's like that Denzel Washington in that pilot movie, he couldn't tell one more lie. Just one more lie to save himself from prison. I defended my lies, I was lying to protect my right to live, really live. And now I am unable to tell any more lies, about who I am, what I think, and what I feel. If you ask me, I would tell you, I have no energy left to hold up a lie anymore, to polish anything. Most people can handle a bit of bluntness, even when you take them aback. They call me open, honest, and vulnerable. I doubt I am any of these, I am just tired, too tired to play along.

I think I have paid quite a bit of my karmic debt, that's why I have earned this new beginning, and have earned my depression letting go of me a bit, even though it does like to glare at me from a distance, it is quite unnerving, especially with me being the only one who can see it. If it strikes again, I know I will have to either go back to the everything-is-okay dance, even with myself or bare it all again, how embarrassing.

Anyways, back to the title of this post, my gripe with the spiritual community. It doesn't seem to acknowledge mental health issues. It almost acts as if I am imagining my depression, that it is not real. Sounds too close for comfort to the religion I grew up in, several religions in fact. It is something 'we tell ourselves. A couple of spiritual guides and healers have said something similar, including my therapist if I can call what she does therapy. Healing is a more appropriate word, it insinuates what to expect, but she kept using the word therapy, that I thought someone who does therapy is a therapist.

I need a real therapist, and maybe have a healer on the side to add extra polish. I can't entirely rely on her to help me back on my feet.

I was offended, by their views on mental health, very condescending and problematic. It made me realized how much of a religion-like religion this is. They wouldn't call themselves part of a religion though, not openly. But the similarities are too obvious. The same religious structure with a few edits, the same look rebranded to fit with the times. I just ran away from one religion, and I am all too eager to jump into the next one. But I do like to adopt a 'scientist' mentality, which is an archetype of the way of thinking. Apparently, this mentality doesn't like to rule out any possibility, listens to all arguments, and just proceeds with what makes sense at the time, but when more evidence tip the scale in one direction, then they are open to change their minds and adopt the better-proven theory. It is difficult for a Taurus to change her mind about something, that's probably part of the reason why I am having such a hard time fully accepting this. This new spiritual world, and count myself part of it. Me and those weirdos belong to the same club? No.

Sometimes I am all in, just today I was browsing Etsy for more crystals believing those bracelets can cast their magic on me. I want to go to New Orleans, to get to know the black magic community there and elsewhere. Wanting to buy candles from witches, believing that the mix of my magic and theirs would do the trick. Who am I? This is absurd.

I do believe though that there is a part of the spiritual community that would work for me. I need to find my tribe, just like I am looking to find my tribe among the physical world. I feel like I am almost there, even though I still feel so alone and isolated, I almost feel dead.

One thing the spiritual community needs to do more of, is to talk like they got some sense. They say too many ridiculous things for me to take in all at once. I am a beginner here, talk to me like I am a muggle. Also, fake spiritual people should seriously stop it, they are ruining it for everybody.

[elminx]

My Personal Death Witch Correspondence List

It’s my opinion that correspondences should always be personal - if you don’t connect with a particular plant or crystal, it won’t do anything to help your work.  But here are some that have worked well FOR ME as a starting point for your own personal exploration.

Botanicals

Acorns/Oak - oak is a very prevalent tree spirit where I live and it’s kind, protective nature works well with the dead.  I love to bring fresh-picked acorns as a seasonal gift.

Chrysanthemum - An Autumn flower that is closely associated with the dead and often planted in cemeteries.   Dries beautifully and can be used as a later Winter offering when flowers are scarce.

Frankincense - an OG spirit scent, frankincense has been used for centuries for worship and spirituality.  This works especially well for spirits of the jeudo-Christian faiths, but I have never found a spirit that didn’t enjoy a good frankincense.   Bonus: incense sticks are easy to bring to a cemetery.

Lavender - lavender is sweet, floral, and calming which I find works well when dealing with restless spirits.  It also can be extremely calming for you if you are nervous and dealing with your spirits.

Marigold - Closely associated with the Mexican festival Dia de Muertos, marigolds are a beautiful and colorful addition to any ancestor altar. They are also cheap and readily accessible where I live.   They also dry well and make a great option for a later Winter offering when local flowers are harder to come by.

Rosemary - Rosemary is for remembrance, right?   Rosemary has been connected with the dead since the ancient Greeks used to throw it in the graves of the recently deceased.   I burn it, decorate my house with it, and use its essential oils in ritual.

Roses - another plant that you often find in cemeteries, roses were a favorite scent in a time before modern perfumes were made popular.   Roses are great because they can symbolize a lot of different things based upon color associations and so you have many choices.

Tea - a nice and sweet gift that you can bring for the spirits in general or make for a particular spirit that can be “poured out” in the cemetery.   This can be herbal tea made with other correspondence from this list or more traditional black tea as you feel called to make.  Bonus, bring some for yourself in the thermos and have tea with your spirits.

Stones/Earth/Dirt

Obsidian - this seems like a no-brainer to me.   I always have imagined that Tartaris/Hell/your name of choice is made of obsidian.  I keep a chunk of obsidian that is personally dedicated to Hades but also use a bunch of raw Apache’s Tears in my protection work.

Lava stone - do you sense a theme here yet?  I’m a bit of a volcano witch which is sorta funny given that I live in the Northeast where there are no volcanoes.  Sometimes you don’t choose the magick, the magick chooses you.  Lava stones, also known as basalt, is deeply grounding which is important when dealing with the spirits.  Plus, it was born of the creation of the Earth itself which is wicked cool.  Extra bonus, you can use it to carry the scents of EO from the botanicals above while interacting with spirit.   This is also a great connection to the goddess Hel/Helya/Hella if you are interested in working with her.

Smokey Quartz - you must see my theme by now.  Quartz is good for boosting magick and smokey quartz adds the deeper lower chakra energies which send us into the ground.

Graveyard dirt - I’ll be specific here.  Dirt from a graveyard with which you are intimately familiar.   That you collected yourself.  Buying graveyard dirt offline is super weird and do you even know where it came from?   I use the graveyard dirt from my cemetery in protective and darker magicks - it is my way of involving my spirits when they could not otherwise be there.

Ancestor Dirt - I separated this out because I think that it is important if you wish to practice death witchcraft to involve and venerate your ancestors.  If you can, get dirt specifically from their graves.  My dirt comes the grave of my Grandmother who was my closest family member.  I use this primarily in protective and ancestor work.

Crossroads Dirt - not all death witches work with crossroads deities, but I suggest making friends with one.   This is very helpful for liminal work in general and all road opening work.  If you’re not good with working with deities, there are multiple liminal animals (crow for instance) who can also be cultivated for this purpose.

Bones - not technically dirt or rocks, but connected to the ground.  Please ethically source!   I tend to pick up everything that I can that is made of bones - I have a rune set made of cattle bone and a few years ago my brother gifted me with a set of dominos from the Civil War that is also made from bones.  These always sit on my ancestor altar.  I also have the bones of a bear spirit that I recovered and cleaned myself.

Cremains - still not technically dirt or rocks, but this is an amazing connection to your family and your past pets if you can get your hands on it.  I have my spirit familiar Elric’s cremains in a beautiful wooden box gifted to me by the cremation company - it sits on my ancestor altar.  One of my coven mates was able to get some of her Grandfather’s ashes to add to her altar recently too.

Other

Booze - spirits for the spirits is an obvious one.  There is an age-long connection between the dead and their love of alcohol whether it be wine or something harder.   I find that some spirits are picky about what they want to drink and others are just happy to be remembered, so listen carefully and take note.

Water - I have a lovely teacup that belonged to my Nana.  I keep it filled with water and a bit of the dirt from her grave.  Watering it is one of my weekly rituals that keeps me connected to her.

Food - Did your family members have foods that they specifically liked to eat?   I give my Nana candy because she had a major sweet tooth.  I also try to make my family’s recipe of tourterie (French meat pies) once a year for the ancestors.  For the most part, I keep food to an inside offering though as I don’t want to sicken wild animals with food that they shouldn���t eat.

Items of Cultural Significance - Though I practice paganism, my ancestors were primarily Catholic and I honor that tradition.   I have gifted them with a number of beautiful pieces of Catholic memorabilia that I collected from around the world.  My husband's family is Scottish, so Scotch is one of the things that gets offered up to those ancestors.  I also make a point of harvesting Scottish thistle for our ancestor altar.

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This list is by no means exhaustive, but merely what I thought of in two sessions of brainstorming.  I may add more later as it comes to me. Like my work?  Please consider Buying me a Ko-Fi