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Organized Crime 1x05: An Inferior Product
And then THIS scene. Oh man, it broke me. That look of anger and pain on Olivia’s face when she brings up Simon. When’s FINALLY able to get some justice for her brother and some peace for herself. The only family she had left - aside from her niece that I wish we would get to see. For the longest time she thought he OD’d, left an angry message that she thought was the last thing he ever heard, only to find out it wasn’t. And only to find out he was murdered.
And then THIS particular moment where realization dawns on Elliot’s face. Realizing just how much of Olivia’s life he missed. How many important and life changing moments he missed. How many people she has lost, how much pain she has gone through... and this particular moment is even more emotional because he had been there when Simon was FIRST introduced. He was there for ALL of it. He saw how much Olivia cared about him - how quickly she grew to trust and care for him - and that’s not something Olivia does. Trust doesn’t come easy for her, but this was FAMILY. Something she’s wanted to be part of for SO LONG and he remembers her saying those exact words to him in the car. And he can see how this has broken Olivia, how losing Simon has devastated her and how he wasn’t there for her when it happened.
And finally, this last part. “You know what I hope? I pray that the thought of him haunts you, for the rest of your pathetic life.” Can we appreciate the way her voice DROPS when saying this? How it completely falters along with her. She’s breaking and it’s shown all over her face, in her eyes, and the way she can barely speak above a whisper. She’s about to break and so she has to walk away, has to distance herself from this.
And Elliot knows. He can see - and hear - Olivia breaking. He’s always been the ONE person who can tell that better than anyone and he’s debating with himself whether to follow after her or not, but of course he does. Because she needs him, she needs someone, and he wants to give her some comfort now, especially since he didn’t years ago. He doesn’t want her to be alone - doesn’t want her to carry this or suffer alone, and he’ll make damn sure that doesn’t happen. And let’s also appreciate the fact that Elliot didn’t lose it on this guy. Instead, he, too, walks away and he chooses Olivia.
And she immediately opens up to him. Starts talking about Simon and what happened without hesitation. Because it’s Elliot - the person she could always tell everything to.
AND THEN SECONDS LATER WE GET THIS. We get THIS smile from Olivia - we get this look of love and appreciation from Olivia only minutes after she was ready to break, but talking with Elliot helped. Having him hear her helped and it shows so much in this scene. How - despite how hurt she is - she’s happy to have him back. The man that was always a big source of comfort for her, the man she could tell anything to, that knew so much about her. It says so much that he’s able to get THIS look out of her so soon after she had been about to break.
And of course the hand hold. The way SHE reaches for him - appreciating him coming for her - and how he doesn’t want to let go. His face in the bottom picture screams ‘I don’t want to let her go’ to me. They hang on for as long as they absolutely can. They’ve always been physical with one another. Touching arms and backs, leaning against each other, lack of personal space. I loved this scene from start to finish and it left me craving more.
#olivia benson#bensler#sorry this episode just aired and it left me feeling things#so i wanted to scream about it somewhere#don't mind me lmao#or mind me and come scream too#long post tw#long post#shar watches svu
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Olivia looking gorgeous and hot. Elliot looking the same. God, I love them. HOT POWER COUPLE.
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Me and @captbenscn watching SVU, seeing a dumping ground in the snow:
Shar,: I guess you could say the killer was COLD
Me: the cases? COLD
Shar: guess the victims arent doing so HOT
Me; you could say the killer was COLD BLOODED
WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS SGDGS
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15x06 Dissonant Voices
Okay, but I need to talk about this therapy session!
Peter (Therapist): You say things have been crazy at work.
Olivia: This case that I’ve been working on...
Peter: With those young boys? I saw your name in the paper.
Olivia: You know, sometimes I... I feel like I’m playing whac-a mole, you know? You just knock one down and then three pop up, and it’s just over and over and over and, you know, but then I think... even if I save one...
Peter: Is that how you think of yourself, as a savior?
Olivia: Someone has to protect them.
This is such an important session for Olivia. All of them are, really, and I love seeing her in therapy, getting help. Not only are we learning about her but she is learning about herself and I LOVE this therapist. He truly cares about her and he LISTENS. He listens and he helps and he never pressures her into saying anything, but he’s always so open and ready to hear what she has to say and he just... pays attention. To what she says, to how she says it. And god, he’s been such a huge help to her.
But man, Liv definitely has a hero complex. But it’s not out of... arrogance or the strive for popularity or anything like that, it’s just... wanting to help people. Wanting to save them. Wanting to give voice to those that don’t have it or are afraid to speak. She has this need to protect them because who else will? Especially those that are either alone or have been abandoned, like she has. And I do think it comes from the need of wanting to be helped herself, wanting to be saved, and wanting to be... loved. Despite being so independent and afraid to be taken care of. And the therapist gets into that below.
Peter: Yes, but does it always have to be you?
Olivia: It’s my job.
Peter: You ever wondered why?
Olivia: Just say what you’re thinking.
Peter: You’ve spent so much of your life taking care of others, yet this last week I found myself thinking, all these sessions you’ve never mentioned your parents. But I couldn’t help but wonder, when you were a little girl, did someone take care of you?
And there it is. He brings up her parents and it all goes back to them and her childhood. All of her life she’s spent it taking care of others like he said. Including her alcoholic mother. And taking care of herself, too. Because her mother rarely did. And yes, they had good days, their relationship wasn’t ALL bad, but it definitely wasn’t ALL good either. And we learn that in so many episodes. Such as the mental abuse, the arguments, seeing Olivia as a mistake or a reminder of her rape and reason for alcoholism, (which Olivia grows to understand and doesn’t always fault her for), and the fights that did turn physical. One that we learned about in the show. And it’s so... heartbreaking. This therapist really delves deep into Olivia’s mind - into her life - and he puts so much together and he gets her thinking, too.
And then this look on her face:
She’s about to break because he’s right. He’s figured it out and he’s right. And it’s not just a look of ache and agony in her eyes, it’s also one of appreciation, I think. Appreciation for this man in front of her, listening to her, and caring about her, and just... figuring things out. Things that help her. I don’t know how else to explain it, but damn, I just love Peter and what he’s done for her and I know Olivia feels the same way and I LOVE that he sticks around for a long time.
Also, his “did someone take care of you?” is a great parallel to a future episode where Garland tells Olivia (after a hostage situation) to “let someone take care of you.” And it’s a great call back to this moment, but also sad because in the show, when Garland tells that to her, she’s... alone. She doesn’t exactly have someone to take care of her (although Elliot IS back, so) but yeah...
This session is so good, but so sad, too. And I will forever love Peter and how much he helped Olivia.
#shar watches SVU#olivia benson#although in my main verse she does have someone to take care of her#and she lets them and it's so important and so good#and i'm so happy#and so is she#tw; rape#shar watches svu
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FUCKING HANDS. IM SCREAMING
WEE FUCKING WOOO
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Do you ever see this and just want to cry?
That is Elliot’s Semper Fi Medallion on the bottom of Olivia’s gun. First she wore it as a necklace, then she put it on her gun. She keeps it with her wherever she goes, she keeps HIM with her wherever she goes and it breaks my heart to think it was taken away as evidence. I like to think she got it back, though. Just like her therapist gave her a new Fearlessness necklace, she definitely got his Medallion back somehow.
My heart melts every time I see screenshots of his Medallion like this. I’m going to find more.
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OC: Forget it Jake; It’s Chinatown
Alright, so I want to talk about this scene. But let me gush about her look here cause DAMN. That jacket, that shirt, her HAIR. This is a damn good look and I’m gonna cherish it forever.
But anyway, let’s start with that first picture. ^ When Richard Wheatley hears ‘Liv’ and he KNOWS. It clicks. This is Olivia Benson - the one true love of Elliot Stabler’s life.
Richard: Liv? Captain Olivia Benson.
And Liv’s face here lmao. ‘Have we met?’ ‘What do you want?’ Like -- she has NO interest in what he has to say, but she knows he’s going to say it anyway. And she’ll listen. She’ll listen because it’s what she does. And maybe he’ll say something helpful to the case, but with that annoying look on his face, she knows better.
Richard: Elliot. Now, I completely understand. She’s a knockout. Poor Angela, though, huh?
And he’s just outing this man in front of SEVERAL other officers and he has no chill. He’s enjoying it and - come on. He’s a huge shipper of these, too. BUT GETTING BACK ON SUBJECT.
Richard: It’s such a pleasure to meet you, Liv.
He loves that he now knows what she looks like. So he can use her against Elliot - which I’m hoping she does cause I’m a sucker for that kind of angst - and he’s just not going to ever let this go. Because he KNOWS the truth. How does he know? We’ve yet to find out, but somehow he does.
Olivia: Get him out of here.
And then we get Olivia’s smile. That smile that says she’s had enough, that she’s done listening to his crap. Especially because - in a way - he’s insulting Elliot. He’s messing with Elliot and Olivia doesn’t stand for that. She isn’t going to let him stand here call Elliot out like this and it’s like she KNOWS what he’s talking about? And she isn’t phased by it. Maybe because of what’s in the letter that we have yet to see (ugh). But she’s calm - she’s calm despite that hard, cold and calculating look in her eyes. But I kind of see some... curiosity? Like she wants to know more about this man and what he’s saying. But now now.
Still, I just LOVE how she looks here. Captain Olivia Benson does NOT mess around.
And then we have Richard being a little shit with his ‘is that a yes for dinner?’ and I think that means he will DEFINITELY take a heavy interest in Liv and I am SO here for it. I am here for this Olivia and Richard rivalry.
And then my FAVORITE shot.
God, I love this shot so much. It’s SO powerful. The way she watches Richard leave - that curious and dangerous look still in her eyes - and how Elliot’s there in the background watching, too. And let’s talk about Elliot for a moment. He’s always been the type to take action when someone threatens Olivia but he stood there and let her handle it. Because he know she’s capable of handling herself - he has seen how far she has come - and he’s definitely come a long way, too. But in the scene his jaw clenches, because he WANTS to say or do something, and he hates what Richard is doing, and how he’s taking an interest in Liv, but again, Olivia handles it herself. They’re both still protective over one another and I love it.
And then the camera moves to Elliot to give us HIS reaction. And they’re both still so in sync because their facial expressions change at the same time. Like -- this has to be one of my favorite scenes and shots of the whole episode. The whole season, even.
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15x04 Wonderland Story
Sarah: Okay, well, Michael is still out there. Men are still out there. My dad wants to get me a gun.
Olivia: I carry a gun. And I've been assaulted. Twice.
Sarah: You have?
Olivia: Yes. And the hardest part is not beating myself up every day for getting into that situation.
Sarah: You said it wasn't my fault, but it's yours?
Olivia: No. It's a feeling. Not a fact.
The way the blame still eats at her and it does for a while. She heard movement in her apartment, but she didn’t withdraw her gun. Instead she investigates without it and that’s how Lewis gets the surprise on her and it haunts her so much. It haunts her because she should have known better and so she blames herself for getting into that situation, especially with how she lead him on in the interrogation as part of her strategy. She tells victims not to blame themselves, but she blames herself because she understands it. But like she said, it’s just a feeling. A normal one. NOT a fact.
And it’s so hard because she tells almost every victim this, but then it happens to her and she feels at fault and suddenly she feels like she’s betraying them AND herself. But it allows her to empathize with them even more. More than ever.
And notice how she looks away or down? Or how she runs her hand through her hair, almost grasping at the end of it? It’s hard for her to talk about because it’s still so fresh and every day she relives it.
Olivia: You know, my therapist says it can help to... to change your daily routine, you know? If you take the bus, then walk. If you usually read, you know, go to a movie. Do things that make you happy. You know, if you focus on the good in life and on the positive things, then it can... it can shake the negative emotions and patterns away.
And when she talks about all of this, she’s pausing now and then. She’s having trouble getting all of it out as though she struggles to believe it herself, as though she’s had trouble finding said positive things after what happened to her, but she tries. She tries and she fights and she pushes on and she wants to help future victims do that, too. She wants to help them believe and to be strong. And she knows she has to believe it for herself, too.
Sarah: And that works for you?
Olivia: Some days. You know, it's a process. Little steps. They add up.
And this particular image here, you can SEE that she’s reliving it all. The pain is all over her face. Her voice is breaking, she’s taking deep breaths.
But she won’t allow herself to give in.
And she doesn’t want to lie to Sarah, she wants to be honest about how it works SOME days, not all. Because some days, nothing works. Some days her mind works against her, but every step counts. Every day counts. And I just feel for her because she’s struggling. She’s struggling, but she’s trying, and she’s sharing her story. She shares her story because it could empower others, including Sarah. And she says that exact thing in a later episode, too.
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15x18 Downloaded Child
Okay, I’m about to do another long analysis on Olivia and the aftermath of her capture with Lewis. The trauma it leaves on her and how annoyed I am at how some of the characters handle it. ESPECIALLY Brian Cassidy (her at the time boyfriend). Because this scene? Oh, man. I wanted to smack him. And I felt SO BAD for Liv. So, let’s take it from the top:
Brian Cassidy: You know, Liv, when you and I moved in here together, I thought that we would get closer, but I just... honestly, it feels like we had more fun when we were just hooking up, you know?
Sergeant Olivia Benson: I hear you.
Brian Cassidy: Do you? Look, you went through the worst time of your life, you know with Lewis and the trial. And do you realize that you've never once, not once told me what happened to you?
This bothers me. Brian is upset that Olivia didn’t share the details of what happened to her with him? The girl went through HELL. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. She’s seeing a therapist because of it so she’s already having to talk about and relive it, not to mention, having to relive it through the trial. Talking about one’s trauma, isn’t easy. Not even with people we love. Especially when it’s something like that. What Olivia went through. The trial is over, she tried to start putting it behind her and then Brian says that and it just all comes rushing back (though, she never was able to fully put it behind her) and it almost feels like an attack. Like he’s offended that she hasn’t shared the traumatizing details with him. And here is the look on her face when he says that:
She diverts her eyes. A sign that Olivia is hurt, that she’s now reliving something she doesn’t want to. She came home, expecting to have dinner, but instead this happens. And immediately, she’s getting up and walking into the kitchen and then:
Sergeant Olivia Benson: Brian, you don't need to know that. The images that it puts in your head, they never go away.
The images are still with her. Every day, no matter how hard she tries to push them to the back of her mind they’re still there. But some days are better than others. Some days, or moments, she doesn’t think about it, but when she does? It’s brutal. It’s painful.
Brian Cassidy: So, what, you're protecting me now?
Sergeant Olivia Benson: I guess.
At this point, she’s walking into the kitchen and guess what she’s getting? Wine. Because the topic has become a difficult one and it goes along with my headcanon she’s taken to drinking wine to help her cope, to help her breathe. And you would think Brian would stop there, right? That he knows what this is doing to her. The look on her face, the way she walks away, her responses becoming short as though hoping to drop the subject. No, he doesn’t stop. It gets worse:
Brian Cassidy: Or are you protecting yourself?
The way he says this infuriates me. He sounds so annoyed about it and like... why!? So WHAT if Olivia is protecting herself. She went through HELL during those four days with Lewis. Literal torture while being unable to help those others that were tortured, right in front of her. And she hates it - she hates that she can’t help those victims because it’s what she does. She helps. And when she can’t? It devastates her and we know this about Olivia. She will do whatever it takes to help and protect someone.
Yet, she’s trying to protect herself for once, and that’s a bad thing? I get they’re in a relationship, but he has no right to be upset with Olivia about that. They were some of the worst days of her life and she will never forget it, she will never completely be over it, and talking about it just isn’t easy for her. We know this about her. She wanted to home, relax after a long day, and instead, this happens.
And that’s her going for the wine. And the look on her face is devastating because you know she’s thinking about those four days now. Don’t pressure someone to talk about their trauma, if they want to talk about it, they will. Including Olivia.
And what makes this situation worse? The next episode is when Lewis gets out of prison. So not only is she reliving those four days in her mind, but she’s about to TRULY relive them again.
I’m sorry this is so long, but I just needed to talk about it. I felt so bad for Liv and so angry for her. I never liked her relationship with Brian and this made me hate it. I love Olivia Benson and I will always fight for her. And I love talking about her so please, come talk to me!
#holy cow i said a lot and it felt good#shar watches svu#shar loves olivia benson#olivia benson#tw; torture#tw; torture mention
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SVU 20x14 Part 33 - Scene Analysis
So, continuing off of the last post I reblogged from this particular scene in Part 33. It’s so bone-chilling and heartbreaking because we see Olivia bringing up her own experience when it comes to terror, when it comes to feeling trapped and helpless and hurt. “ You have no idea what utter terror is. What pure and utter terror is.”
You can see Olivia here taking in a deep breath. Bracing herself for the pain she’s about to relive. Something that happened at least five years ago now, but to this day, it stays with her. And it ALWAYS will. She may have survived it, she may have healed for the most part and overcome it, but whenever the subject arises? It hits her. And it hits her hard. And it’s not something she’s talked about with many people, mostly only her therapist, so it takes A LOT for Olivia to open up about this, to open up about herself in general.
Olivia: “You know, they say that your heart beats faster, but that's not true. It doesn't. It stops. Everything stops.”
And you can see the look of realization -and even fear - on Amanda’s face when Olivia starts talking about it. When she realizes Olivia is talking about her own terrifying experience with Lewis because it’s not something she ever talks about, not something she CHOOSES to just open up about unless she feels its necessary. And everyone knew what she went through, but they didn’t KNOW. Not all of the details. No, those, Olivia keeps to herself. The physical torture, the burns, the cuts, the things he said to her, all of that she keeps to herself. Her therapist knows some, but not all of it.
Olivia: “You don't breathe because... you're scared that it might upset him. And if you get a cramp in your foot, you tell yourself, "Just let it throb" because you'll live through that pain. And that's a hell of a lot better than what he'll do to you.”
At this point she’s becoming jittery. Her voice is becoming shaky, she’s rubbing her hands together, her face is twitching, she’s pausing more often. It’s hard for her to talk about even after all of this time and there are moments where she THINKS she is over it, but deep down, she knows she isn’t. And then these moments happen which reminds her of that and so she starts to break, she starts to feel weak, but we all know Olivia Benson isn’t week. Talking about this makes her strong. It takes a lot of strength for her to talk about what happened to her.
And the whole ‘You’ll live through that pain.’ and ‘That’s a hell of a lot better than what he’ll do to you’ breaks my heart because she was scared. She was terrified, she thought, at one point, she may not survive this. She may not get out of this alive, especially knowing what Lewis is capable of, thus the meaning behind that second line. She knows what he’s capable of, she has SEEN what he has done, so of course she is scared. Olivia is a fighter, yes, but she’s allowed to be scared, especially while being trapped with a monster like Lewis.
Olivia: “And the pain is is so complete and it's so it's so overwhelming. You can go without food for... for three days and...”
And this is where she REALLY breaks. When her voice fails her and she can barely speak, where she has to pause more and more. Where she speaks just above a whisper and she continues to fidget more. Looking around, touching her ear, shifting in her spot - it’s overwhelming her right now. And that’s how long she went without food, because we saw that he barely let her drink anything that wasn’t alcohol. Only a sip of water here and there. She’s reliving every second of it in her mind and Amanda is hearing these dark, disturbing details that no one else has ever heard. She isn’t speaking as an SVU Detective trying to make someone feel strong. No, she’s speaking from her heart, from her own experience. And the way she looks off to the side? She can’t look Amanda in the eye while saying all of this. The shame, the guilt, it’s all flooding back.
Olivia: ”...you don't close your eyes because you... because you're scared that you'll never open them again. You pray. You pray "Please, God "don't let him climb on top of me again.”
Aaaand I’m crying. Olivia isn’t religious, she didn’t grow up with religion, but there are things she believes in and we don’t really see her pray, either. So this? This definitely showed us how terrified she was of dying, of never escaping the monster that had her. And working this job, Olivia knows the risks. She knows things can happen, that things can go wrong, but she never thought she’d be in this situation. No one ever really does.
But man, Mariska deserves all of the awards for this scene alone. It’s absolutely INCREDIBLE. Magnificent. Bone-chilling. Emotional. Raw. How her voice can change so suddenly, how much she conveys with her mannerisms and the look in her eyes - the tears within them, the fidgeting. How she just BREAKS. And it takes a lot for Olivia to open up like this, but she’s doing it for a victim. Everything she does is for the victims.
This woman’s acting talent knows no bounds and I love it and I love Olivia Benson.
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Can we just --
Talk about this scene, please.
AND HOW FREAKING GOOD SHE LOOKS. Because damn. That look of ‘I’m done with your ass’ is incredible and I love it. She had no chill in this scene and I was ALL for it. The way she just drops the notebook and pen like she’s dropping the damn mic. She really doesn’t mess around - she doesn’t toy around or waste time. She wants to get things DONE and I LOVE it.
She looks - and feels - SO powerful here. CAPTAIN OLIVIA BENSON, Y’ALL.
Plus her wardrobe? Her hair? She looked AMAZING this whole episode and in Organized Crime! Which I will also be talking about soon but I just wanted to gush over her in this scene first.
Captain Olivia Benson owns my heart.
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Nick Amaro: Or that what happened in our home didn't actually happen...
Olivia Benson: Nick, you have every right to be upset.
Nick Amaro: He doesn't get to wipe the slate...
Olivia Benson: It's not about him. This is about you holding on to your anger. Okay? I've learned that in order to heal, we have to let go.
Nick Amaro: Oh, so, what, you've forgiven your father? Or William Lewis? Huh? Have you forgiven them?
Olivia Benson: Wow.
Nick Amaro: I'm sorry.
The way Olivia and I both froze when hearing that? Are you kidding me, Nick? Oh man this ticked me off. People really still throwing William Lewis in her face? Brian because Olivia wouldn’t tell him details and this, too? Ouch. My heart hurt for lived, and burned with anger, and her reaction was mine, as well. Shock, disbelief, hurt. And the fact that she had to walk away.
I get he was angry, though, and Olivia gets it, too, but damn. People need to stop throwing that in her face.
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Olivia officially adopting Noah at the end of this episode has me tearing up. Her smile, the way she holds him so close, the tears in her eyes. It warms my heart so much because she’s wanted this for SO long. To be a mother, to have a child of her own.
Going from being told she isn’t prime parent material:
And let me add that I LOVED Elliot’s reaction. The way his voice goes from soft to hard and loud, upset that they told Olivia that. His ‘They’re wrong’ gets me every time. The way he’s so sure when he says that, too, and that look of ‘I’ll talk to them’ in his eyes. Because he would have. He hates that she was told that.
But she goes from that to “Congratulations, Olivia. And to you Noah Porter-Benson. I’m signing off on the adoption.” The way her entire face - her WORLD - lights up.
Now this next picture?
For MY verse specifically, this is Olivia looking at Elliot. Because he’s there when it happens. They’re adopting Noah together - as husband as wife. So really, Noah becomes Noah Benson-Stabler. Because imagine the parallel! Elliot being there years ago when Olivia told him she wasn’t able to adopt to this moment. Elliot being there with Olivia adopting this child together. Smiling at him in this way before he leans over to kiss her, his own smile as wide as can be. And then they both hug Noah, all smiles and laughter and tears. Starting this family of their own.
#i'm emotional if you can't tell#got done watching this episode#shar loves Olivia#shar watches SVU#cause I’ve been waiting for you for so long (Olivia x Elliot ); storiesung
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John: But don’t cry for me. Actually, Liv, you can cry. I mean, Liv IS the heart of SVU.
The way I aww’d at this scene. Because of how sweet, and hilarious, John is. Especially with Liv and he isn’t wrong. She’s the heart for sure.
And then John goes on to say that Fin is the pancreas LMAO.
Also, I completely forgot Olivia had a diary?? And she read a section of it from when she first started and it was so cute. I need to bring this up and maybe do some writings from it.
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Something Happened Analysis 4
Olivia closing the blinds because she’s about to dive into her past - she’s about to bring up the secrets of her past that she’s kept away, that she’s kept locked away and rarely EVER talked about. I’m just going to highlight some points of the conversation since it’s a long one.
Olivia Benson: He called me once. My mom picked up the phone, but, uh, he hung up. And he never called back. But he kept newspaper clippings of me, articles that he collected in a box, so I was... a picture of somebody he didn’t know. You know, collection of random facts and statistics, but - but I wasn’t real.
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Olivia: Yeah, they had a boy. Boy named Simon.
Laurel: And until your dying day, you will always wonder why your father loved Simon more than he loved you. And you’ll try to think of something else, but that question will always be there nagging at you. “There’s something horribly wrong with me. Why didn’t he choose me?”
Olivia: He had everything. And he had no idea.
Laurel: Simon?
Olivia Benson: Well, he had a mother. He had a father. And I... I had a drunk.
The way her voice DROPS here. Barely above a whisper now. And once again, the tears in her eyes. She’s digging so deep into her past and it’s bringing up unwanted memories. And feelings. Feelings of hate, disgust, regret, and pain. Even jealousy. And that’s not something we really see with Olivia. But it’s always been there - her longing for a family. To be happy. To have what she never did. And sometimes, it feels impossible to her. It feels as though it won’t happen, but eventually, it does.
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Olivia: “You know what the worst part is? The worst part is... he never even looked for me.”
Before this line she got done saying how much she hated him. And it isn’t just because of what he did to her mother (because her next line is, ‘but what the hell, he was a scumbag rapist. He raped my mother’.) but it’s also because that no, he didn’t care. He didn’t try to look for her, even though he had this collection of her. And there’s a part of Olivia that feels broken because she didn’t have a father. And we see throughout the series that she just wants to be loved. And to love in return. And to help. She always acts so tough and always claims that she’s fine, when really, she isn’t. Not always. And this scene shows us just that.
Olivia: And I... I was just collateral damage.
And there it is. What Olivia Benson has felt all along. What she has seen herself as, even if she hasn’t expressed it until now. Because again, this is not something she talks about. This is something she keeps locked away and though she thinks she’s overcome it, though she thinks she’s over it, she isn’t. And this scene is proof of that and I’m SO glad for this episode. We see Olivia so raw and so emotional, we dive into her past so much deeper than we really ever have and god, I love it.
And the way she just... stares off after saying that. It’s so overwhelming for her and she’s reliving so much in this episode. Her four days with Lewis, her childhood, Simon... it’s all so much and it’s going to haunt her. This case is going to haunt her and even Mariska said she was wrecked for a few days after filming this episode.
"We were wrecked…Actually I was wrecked for about three more days. It was hard for me to switch gears into the next episode," Hargitay admitted to E! News. "I wasn't quite present—definitely not the first day, you know what I mean? My body, my mind and my soul didn't have time to recuperate from it."
In the episode, Benson acknowledges her own feelings of hatred to her father, feelings that have been driving her subconsciously.
"I think in some way it dredged up all this old pain, and in some ways it was utterly healing and cathartic to even address it, to even bring it from the unconscious to the conscious, right? She spent so much of her time fleeing, sort of pushing that stuff down, rising above, focusing outward, focusing on victims, focusing on her child," Hargitay said. "She spent so much time proving to everybody that she's OK and she can handle the things that happened to her, but in this way, one of the things at the end is she's so broken and so victorious. Because despite these pains, despite what she's been through, she's still victorious…she's even succeeded in this painful job, she's still in the middle of fighting for her child, she's still doing it…She keeps showing herself how strong she…she's brave enough to go inward."
So, yeah. I just really love this episode and how much we learn about Olivia and how and what we get to see.
#off duty; ooc#tw; rape#tw; abuse#long post#i don't know if anyone will actually read all of these posts but - i had fun typing it out#i just have a lot of thoughts and feelings about olivia and i just want to talk about them#and sometimes it feels like this is the only place I can so xD#shar watches SVU#shar watches svu
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Season 16 Episode 19 Granting Immunity
This episode I’m watching is where Noah gets so sick with pneumonia and has to be hospitalized and god, my heart breaks for Olivia. How panicked Olivia is, how heartbroken, and even how guilty she feels. Even though it wasn’t her fault, but that doesn’t stop her from feeling guilty. Because he’s her child - he’s her baby (okay, technically not until the end of the season, but still) - and she’s supposed to protect him from all harm. The way she breaks, when she cries - poor Liv. Poor Noah.
The fact that she doesn’t hesitate in taking of EIGHT days to watch him? Taking off one is hard enough for her to do, but she takes off eight as recommended by the doctor. Of course, she’s working from home, but she won’t take her eyes off Noah.
And look at her in the back. Look how frantic she is. How she’s running to keep up with Noah, terrified to have any distance between them. She’s so afraid to leave him, so afraid something will happen to him and her not be there.
And THIS face here kills me. She’s powerless. She feels helpless. She can’t do anything to help her own son (foster child, still, but let’s be real, she loves him as her own so I will keep stating him as such) and she feels at fault. She feels like she failed. God, she’s so scared of losing this precious boy she’s fallen so in love with. For so long she’s wanted a child, for so long she’s wanted a family, and she could lose it all.
And the distant look in her eyes. She’s listening to the doctor’s words - because of course she is - but she’s so scared, all she can think about is Noah. Seeing and being there for him, taking away his pain however she can, even if it means taking it upon herself instead. He’s so sick and she can’t do anything to help him except wait. Wait and let the doctors help him and wait for the best.
Of course he’s okay later, but man, my heart breaks so much for Olivia. She is SUCH an amazing mother. We always knew she would be and now we get to see it and I’m so happy. To see it and to write it.
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