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5questions · 6 years ago

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Matthew Bookin

“Honest Days is an unexpected delight. Bookin writes how he sees it — weaving images, dreams, and truth into tight addictive prose. It's a book that captures the haze of the everyday and buffs it into magic.”

-Noah Falck, author of Snowmen Losing Weight and You Are In Nearly Every Future.

“Matthew Bookin is my second favorite dead Russian comedian, and my first favorite living American fiction writer."

-Lucy K. Shaw, author of The Motion and WAVES

How long did it take to write this? When did you know it wasn’t just some unrelated stories but instead a cohesive narrative? Can we call this a novella? Is that OK? I’m OK with it….

I feel very okay calling this a novella.

Fragments of the book were written as early as 2011, but a majority of it was written in 2015. During the summer of 2015 a publisher I really loved approached me about putting out a short story collection. I put one together very quickly and immediately felt like it didn’t work. Over the course of the next six months, I broke the collection apart and turned it into something more cohesive, eventually becoming what the book is now. The book didn’t end up with that particular publisher, but it probably wouldn’t exist at all without their initial interest.

How did you decide on Dostoyevsky Wannabe as publisher for this book? What other books do you like on that press? How did you like working with them?

Dostoyevsky Wannabe was always in the back of my mind as a possibility for the book. I’d been sort of obsessed with DW’s Cassette compilation series ever since it had started and was absolutely in love with the way their books were designed. I eventually contributed to an entry from the Cassette series that Oscar Bruno D’Artois edited and I really loved the experience. After the initial publisher that had shown interest in the book fell through I kind of shelved the book for over a year, opening it up to do a long weekend of edits every few months. In the fall of 2017, shortly after the conclusion of a reading tour I did with some friends, I felt motivated to get the book out into the world again. I sent the manuscript to Dostoyevsky Wannabe and they accepted it less than 24 hours later.

Working with Vikki and Richard was akin to undergoing a very gentle and expedient exorcism, after which a beautiful paperback with a deer on the cover appeared. They’re both incredibly generous and incredibly hardworking. I can’t imagine the book ever having a better home.

Apart from their Cassette series, I’ve really enjoyed Dark Hours by Nadia de Vries, You Are in Nearly Every Future by Noah Falck, and the all the work Shane Jesse Christmass has published with DW.

The novel focuses very much on the everyday and mundane during the first parts, then becomes very absurd and plot-driven in the latter parts. Was this a conscious choice in terms of story development? Or did it happen more naturally? Or was it both? Or neither?

It happened more naturally as a result of its early stages as a short story collection. Most of what I write tends to dip into the surreal, so it’s not something I really consciously make a decision about, it just tends to be the direction I gravitate towards. However, when it was finally complete, I did start editing out some of the more surreal later chapters because I thought it robbed the emotional arc of the book of genuine feeling. Originally there was more sex and more talking animals. And as strange as the book is, I feel like it’s far more tame and straightforward than a lot of DW’s catalogue, which often leans hard into experimental noise punk prose.

What books did you like reading while you were writing this? Did any of them influence you? And if so, how?

The only book I really remember reading during the time Honest Days changed from a collection to a novella is Last Days by Brian Evenson. It’s about a detective who falls into the grips of a cult obsessed with self-amputation. I interpreted the whole thing as a very dark and very funny take on male bonding. Apart from ruthlessly ripping-off its title, I’m not sure how much of an impact it had on my book.

What is your day-to-day life like? What is your writing routine? Or do you not have a routinized schedule?

When I was writing Honest Days I had a schedule that was extremely similar to the narrator’s - I would get up extremely early, usually around 4am, and drive to one of several hospitals in Buffalo to work. The job was pretty much what’s described in the book. Now my life is slightly less ghoulish and a lot more square - I work a pretty standard 9 to 5 office job.

I don’t really have a writing routine. Mostly it’s long periods of compiling notes and fragments of things followed by occasional manic periods of obsessively stringing all the little pieces together.

#matthew bookin #peach mag #lucy k shaw #lk shaw #Andrew Worthington #andrew duncan worthington #brian evenson #novella #novel #fiction #buffalo #honesty #office jobs

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internetpoetry · 8 years ago

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macro images by Shane Jesse Christmass

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limejuicer1862 · 6 years ago

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On Fiction Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger. The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these fiction writers you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Shane Jesse Christmass

is the author of the novels, Police Force As A Corrupt Breeze (Dostoyevsky Wannabe, 2016) and Acid Shottas (The Ledatape Organisation, 2014).

He was a member of the band Mattress Grave, and is currently a member in Snake Milker.

An archive of his writing/artwork/music can be found at www.sjx.digital + www.shanejessechristmass.tumblr.com

The Interview

1. What inspired you to write fiction?

Not sure if there is one thing, or actually anything, that inspired me. I am always dubious on whether or not inspiration is an actual substance that is required to stimulate someone in order to create. I wanted to write novels, so I wrote novels. The urge pushed the outcome. I know I didn’t talk much as a child, and one of the things I liked doing was reading a lot. I feel that I perhaps hallucinated, maybe fantasised intensely is the better choice of word, but was terribly miserable, and was probably left alone a lot, and therefore just simmered in my imagination by myself. I wasn’t particularly gifted in anything, except reading a lot, and that is especially not a great skill, I just made time for it, because I was terrible at other academic quests, or sports endeavours. Therefore I think there are benefits to speaking in an incoherent manner. Writing is just a small human sacrifice in a suburban supermarket. Inspiration is just the cataleptic attack.

P.B Shelley is a volatile substance that did cast a slow expiration over me for a while though. Around when I was 14 years of age, and then for a long time afterward, but still, currently, very much presently, and probably forever actually. His words were some type of nauseous gateway to perfection. A natural faultlessness for me to read. There was a proportionate unity, and a particular shape to his work. Everything I had read prior to then reading Shelley just seemed like teabag stains in comparison, limp flints. A sudden jet of ceaseless elation.

2. Who introduced you to fiction?

Well you kind of have to don’t you. You have to learn how to read and write, so therefore you have to read all these little dinky stories and books. I don’t have fond memories of these sort of things. I don’t really like thinking about these things. I just spent a lot of time at the library. I nagged people in my family to take me to the library a lot, until I was old enough to go by myself. And when I was there I asked the librarians lots of questions. They pointed to the books for the answers. My father was this sort of person who was very detached, but did amazing things like purchase the complete works of Shakespeare, or the Romantic poets, in these Encyclopaedia Britannica type of leather bound books, something you probably bought from a salesman, or from a catalogue. They were on the shelf. I remember asking him once who all these books were for. He advised me they were for ‘us’ – meaning me and my siblings. I commenced pawing through them. By no means am I saying people should go read Shakespeare to be a writer. He’s definitely not my taste. I got it done early in life. I couldn’t imagine reading him now. That would be so boring. I just read him because it was in my house. I also read pretty much anything. I read my mother’s ‘Cosmopolitan’ magazine for example. I probably enjoyed that more than Shakespeare.

3. How aware were you of the dominating presence of older writers?

Massively. You don’t want to do something that someone did originally and more uniquely – that would just be very disappointing. But – you do also wish to do something in the experimental tradition, perhaps extend something further, or add upon something that came previous. I’ve had odd moments where people have commented that my writing is like a certain author that I have never heard of, or I have checked out an author that is new to me, say Saint-John Perse, and I can see massive similarities, but ones that are just magical coincidences. Someone once told me that my writing reminded them of Thomas Pynchon, a writer I wasn’t terribly familiar with, and who to this day I have never read. I mean why would I go read a writer that people say is similar to myself, or that I am similar to. One of the reasons I write the way I do is because I couldn’t find the fiction that I wanted to read.

4. What is your daily writing routine?

You know that shot in ‘The Omen’ where Lee Remick is pushed over the balcony balustrade and falls – and the fall causes her to miscarry? I once saw a documentary where the director, Richard Donner, explained how they set up and executed that particular scene and then how they shot it. Go watched it, it’s an amazing piece of filmmaking, but watching the documentary, I can only now watch that scene and think know about how they did it. The wonder that I had of initially not knowing how they did it has evaporated. Telling people my daily writing routine might be equivalent to watching that documentary.

5. What motivates you to write?

Because no one believed I could do it. And as mentioned in the opening question, it was always just something I wanted to do, I didn’t have much faith in my ability to do anything else, but this seemed somewhat natural, and I certainly felt less anxious doing it than other tasks. Fretted-about signs always show up in the skull housing, you can keep them inside, or you can plaster them onto a page and publish. I chose to plaster and publish.

6. What is your work ethic?

Cold hands, in a cool climate, need to tap some words out each day. And that’s the key, every day, something has to contribute to the writing of something. What that something is will be particular for each writer. Just don’t die wondering that you never put your crystalline vision into effect. Don’t get to the end, and as a luminous patient … suddenly think: I could’ve done more, I should’ve written more. One of the things that use to upset me, especially when I was young, was this equivalency, and this is particular in my family where my parents came from working class stock when they were children, and then moved themselves into a lowly middle class position, was that reading books or writing was equivalent to being lazy. My work ethic is inspired to prove that that equivalency is false, and that perhaps the benefits of doing something like that are not entirely immediate. Does sitting in an armchair and looking out a window thinking, or ruminating on a thought, lack substance or profit? No … it’s ghostly work. As Evelyn Underhill wrote, some natures have a special sense, an attempt to reach a transcendental consciousness, the contemplation allows us to reach it. My point is that a writer’s work ethic shouldn’t just be to write all the time. Contemplating, how you’re going to write something, why you’re going to write something, should have a worth ethic to it, in that it should be just as rigorous and productive as the actual writing, but it is no less valuable.

7. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

Yeah good question. Guess if I was going to make a list of my top ten favourite writers, or some list that is defined similarly like that, favourite writers or some such, most of the writers on that list would probably be favourites from when I was younger. The only book that might go onto that list, that I only just came around to, would be Gary Indiana’s Horse Crazy. I guess how they influence me today is a bit tricky to answer. I don’t put those books into any list, or hold them close, because of any exact influence on my writing, or an influence on the topics I write about. To a greater degree, most of the books, or these favourite authors, are the ones that I felt gave me permission to make early attempts at this writing business. Certain books made me realise I could do this. It gets back to your question regarding the dominating influence of older writers. I read less fiction these days, and what fiction I do read these days is more for entertainment purposes, meaning when I was younger I would read novels, but would take notes, mental or otherwise, regarding how the novel was written, all the mechanical and technical elements on what makes up a novel. So the reading of novels then was more from an educational aspect, whereas the type of books that influence my current writing, whether indirectly or directly, would be non-fiction work, and that’s not from a position of incorporating direct facts from non-fiction texts, but more to provide a feeling, or tone to inflect into my own work. I just read that famous work by Robert A. Monroe about out-of-body experiences. This in no way means that there will be a plot, or a character directly, in my next manuscript that has these experiences, it’s more just to provide some nebulous science fiction, or scientific, tone.

8. Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

Oh where can I start! Lots of people. Isabel Waidner. Rachel de Moravia. Candice Wuehle. Nadia de Vries. Darcie Wilder. Why? It seems very unlikely that writing could make a physical change to a person’s anatomy, but perhaps these writer’s may assist in a human’s evolution. Are we just vegetable matter? The future will have visual differences from what we currently see. Why can’t we have writer’s, like these, that act as handbooks, guides, to assist us when we encounter those visual differences. You can either be a body, or a bystander amongst the rubble, or you could read those writers. The interior of their books is like a telepathic reading, lurking emulsions of forward-looking designs and approaches. It’s good shit.

9. Why do you write?

The most common question to ask an author, but the most difficult for authors to respond to. Maybe there is no reason, except I just happen to write, it’s what I always wanted to do, and it’s what I always did. Do you know about the clinamen? The clinamen has numerous definitions, but I’m interested in how it was defined within pataphysics. Originally the Roman poet, and philosopher Lucretius, defined the clinamen as being an unpredictable swerve of atoms. Alfred Jarry, the writer who penned the main tenets of pataphysics, came to understand the clinamen as a slight change that can cause a greater, or the greatest meaning. For example: changing one letter in a word to make a new word, and that new word obviously caries a completely new meaning. I’m interest in the clinamen, but not a slight change, a delirious upheaval. A repetition of images, tweaks of images causing dislocation and jump-cut in narrative, the death of certain images only for images to reappear later, interchangeable images causing interchangeable narratives. I write, to perhaps take pleasure, or to promote the instability of meaning, and through that instability, reach new meanings through new forms, instructions or procedures. I want to create stories that start at any point in the manuscript, as this aligns with the spasmodic and aleatory experience of modern time, a somnambulist drift between tenses, a relentless overload of information. Shifts of attention to something irrelevant or disconnected – the clinamen. That’s how I feel today, my reasons will probably change completely tomorrow.

10. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

I know I shouldn’t answer a question with a question, but I might ask – ‘What sort of writer do you want to be?” I have a certain sphere as a writer, a speciality, but certain specialities might just be another name for limitation. Unfortunately there’s no glib answer to that question that suffices, except what they probably already know. I’ve seen so many interviews with writers, and I’m talking really famous and rich writers, who when they get asked this question always answer – read more. Yeah, no shit, thanks for nothing. Isn’t that the most asinine and dainty response you ever heard? I’d probably advise not to get distracted by the idea of being a writer, don’t get distracted by all these accoutrements of a writing life. Don’t get distract by finding some perfect, decorated writing space, or finding some enlightened pencil. But one thing I would say is, everything is a story, everything that happens can be a story. And everything you can possibly conjure up in your imagination, is a story.

11. Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

I’m nearing the end of a large piece of work that is, at the moment, unwieldy and a bit broad in its scope. I originally started out with the idea that I was going to write a memoir, not based on my life, definitely not based on my life, but a memoir based on the movements of two childhood male friends. These two friends, over the years, become on-again, off-again sexual partners with each other, but with an absence of love or any affection. One of the male friends, is very loosely based on Herb Mullin. And definitely not based on the life of Herb Mullin at all, but an idea that Herb Mullin had. He thought that a small killing would prevent a major catastrophe to occur. He believed, at the start of his killing spree, that his killings could stop a massive earthquake from occurring in the San Francisco area. Actually he believed that all the deaths caused by the Vietnam War, up to that point, were enough to forestall this earthquake, but as the war in Vietnam was winding down, he’d need to advance the killings himself. Anyway – I was intending to write a massive cadaverous tragedy that plays out with these two male friends, based on this livid idea that an individual waging a war on society, that unfortunately involves bloodshed, could stop a massive war from commencing, or that could finish a massive war between two nations. Oh and it’s a love story. I’m really enjoying writing it and it is fucking nuts. If anyway wants to read it, by all means hit me up. https://archive.org/details/anabasispoembyst0000sain/page/18 http://www.sacred-texts.com/myst/myst/myst06.htm https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/09/17/to-die-in-effect-for-love-on-gary-indianas-horse-crazy/ https://www.monroeinstitute.org/robert-monroe

On Fiction Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: Shane Jesse Christmass On Fiction Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

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queenmobs · 9 years ago

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Models

vine

Who models the sexiest supermarket aisles?

― Shane Jesse Christmass via

#colin raff #Shane Jesse Christmass

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realitybeach · 9 years ago

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S.J. CHRISTMASS ANSWERS THE REALITY BEACH QUESTIONNAIRE

This is what happened. How do you take your coffee? I have a love/hate relationship with coffee. Mainly hate. It’s just muddy sludge. I use to drink it a lot. Perhaps 15 to 19 cups a day, but I was strictly and instant coffee person. The city where I live has a thing about talking things up above their rightful station. People in this city are always talking about a ‘coffee culture’. I can’t see…

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#Ballard #Interview #Royal Trux #Shane Jesse Christmass

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sticky-institute · 9 years ago

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Monogram Slippers by @shanejessechristmass, one of the many zines being launched at our One Millionth Photocopy Party on Friday.

#sticky institute #one millionth photocopy party #shane jesse christmass #zines #zines melbourne #zine launch #zine event #zine party

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beaboutitpress · 9 years ago

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MONOGRAM SLIPPERS, by Shane Jesse Christmass

one of our chapbook contest winners!!!

coming so soon!!!

#be about it chapbook contest #be about it press #shane jesse christmass #poetry

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ccm-enclave · 10 years ago

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Shane Jesse Christmass with bad conceptual art

#Shane Jesse Christmass #bad conceptual art #art #conceptual #image #enclave

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22ndcenturylit-blog · 10 years ago

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A Poem and Art by Shane Jesse Christmass

JOB

at 3 p.m. on a weekday I’m usually working which involves making clumsily-fashioned small-scale models of the United States I construct these models using old cigarette packets cutting the cities out using a pair of shears balancing the models upon rivers of jelly configuring shy damsels from the rubbish bin on clear cold windless afternoons if you’re interested I honestly never thought I’d be employed like this nor that I would have a contingency of helpers assisting me we work near vacuum gauges under hot sweat steam and pressure overhead we are alone once more working

#shane jesse christmass #s.j. christmass #22ndcenturylit #poem #job #poetry #working #art #collage #text art

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arbitrarynewsandreview-blog · 10 years ago

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LAN Party Skate Park by Shane Jesse Christmass

Shane Jesse Christmass is a writer from Melbourne in Australia. He also makes music, with the band Mattress Grave, and I played their song "down at the timber mill" on my radio show Mix Tape last year (I might have another radio show this summer, stay tuned, get it, like you tune into the radio, lol.)

Here, Christmass presents us with a collection of texts that are somewhere between poems and short stories, along with really cool images. The images are like these bizarre fractal collages that look really trippy and fun and a little scary, in a good way. They make me happy. Here is one:

His writing style consists of short sentences, sometimes only one word. He writes about soda, alcohol, squalor, pharmacies, Wheel of Fortune, physical pain, and so much else. This is a jam-packed ebook. There is so much material here. It's a long work (91 pages), and each of those pages is replete with imagery and references.

This is a book about modern life, and the modern world, and what it's like to live inside something that's constantly in motion. It's a heady text, and it zips along from piece to piece, daring you to come along for the ride. Once you hop aboard this train, there's no turning back. You're in it to the end of the line, like in Double Indemnity. It's okay to be intimidated by this work. It's okay to be a little afraid.

The characters Christmass create throughout the ebook hide from each other, fear each other, perhaps hate each other. They belong to a nonstop universe, possessing a ceaseless pursuit of intensity. The brevity of each piece, and each phrase, and each sentence, is like a hyper-Hemingway. Christmass never shies away from information overload. He's here to tell you what he needs to tell you, and he takes no breaks. (And no prisoners.) (I don't know why I added that, I guess it just sounds like a funny and fun thing to say.)

This is a book to read when you are on a long journey to somewhere you have never been, passing through outskirts of towns you have never seen.

Read it here.

#shane jesse christmass #peanut gallery press #patrick trotti #ebook #review #scribd

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tnypress-blog · 10 years ago

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New Fiction: Riding the Shark by Rebecca Blomberg

Posted by Marie123 10/26/16 2:23:13 A.M.

Unlike most traditional sitcoms, Full House never jumps the shark. Whereas Fonzie literally jumps a shark, Chrissy gets replaced, Raven Symone and Cousin Oliver join their respective casts, etc., FH’s quality is upheld right through the end of Season 8, which in fact boasts some of the series’ very best moments: The Viper vs. Nelson showdown culminating in the song by Frankie Valli, Jesse’s basketball game with Kareem, and of course, Jesse’s repeated mangling of the Three’s Company theme song for the donkey. The series finale finds Michelle falling off a horse and losing her memory, along with the return of our beloved Steve, reminding us why we loved the show all along. Furthermore, this episode, “Michelle Rides Again,” features Joey and Jesse refusing to dress up in silly costumes to wrestle some Swedes to appease the network, in a self-referential nod to the fact that we’ve ended our journey without ever compromising the show’s artistic integrity.

Posted by JDBRenz8 10/26/16 4:17:12 A.M.

This is incorrect; by Season 4 you have newly married Jesse and Becky moving into Danny’s attic at the demand of Princess Michelle—an absurd way to uphold the original premise that they all live in the same house. Shark=jumped.

Posted by Marie123 10/26/16 4:27:44 A.M.

See, I disagree. Season 4 is when FH actually hits its stride. Before then, the humor was a little less wacky, and although there were some early highlights, like the introduction of Walter “Duck Face” Berman, we largely had to suffer through morality plays and ladies’ man, mullet-era Jesse. With the Season 4 advent of more absurd hijinks, the heartwarming material shines in a more realistic, less condescending light. This is where the show finds its voice. Case in point: Jesse’s infamous pre-wedding “tomato country” skydiving incident, complemented by his touching rendition of Forever when he finally makes it to the ceremony. Also see: Danny’s contrasting performances of My Generation and My Girl at DJ’s school fundraiser, the former’s ridiculousness allowing the latter’s emotion to resonate.

Posted by JDBRenz8 10/26/16 5:21:12 A.M.

No, by Season 4 the characters are behaving childishly to force stupid plot lines, and by the time we reach Season 8, they’re not even realistic human beings anymore. You get such bullshit moments as Danny threatening Ryan with a canned ham for standing up Stephanie and that God awful Vanilla Weasels storyline. A huge departure from the original characters and concept of a nice family banding together to deal with tragedy.

Posted by Marie123 10/26/16 9:47:44 A.M.

A. It was not a canned ham, it was Spam and B. You’re so wrong, especially Re: Vanilla Weasels. Season 1 Joey, the idiot in the Hawaiian shirt living in Danny’s alcove, was probably more likely to cry over those cookies than any other season’s Joey. And what about the DJ/Stephanie alliance that really emerges in Season 8? That’s the most touching, realistic character dynamic from the entire show. You have the silly things, like them convincing Michelle she has Smedrick’s Disease so she won’t take their “Counting Cows” ticket, and then the more serious ones, like everyone’s favorite Very Special Episode (except maybe the one where Kimmy gets drunk) when Deej stops Steph from going on the dangerous car ride. They’re officially friends. This is something I really came to appreciate as my closest in age sister grew up and became my best adult friend, so these episodes really strike a chord and ring true for me. Also, DJ’s looking pretty hot by the time she turns eighteen

Posted by JDBRenz8 10/26/16 10:08:01 A.M.

Whoa, let’s slow down for a minute and back up. You’re putting words in my mouth. I never said Season 1 Joey wouldn’t care about his Vanilla Weasels, all I said was that the later story lines were contrived and driven by the characters’ stupid behaviors. Do you mean to tell me the man who opened for Wayne Newton, voiced a cartoon dolphin with Frankie and Annette, ran a successful advertising agency, held down jobs as Ranger Joe, Mr. Egghead, a substitute teacher, and a Rush Hour Renegade would actually climb ontoa table in a fancy restaurant to lick some cookie crumbs off a plate? I think not.

Posted by Marie123 10/26/16 11:33:21 A.M.

Well this IS the same man who bought DJ a stolen car, wasted all that cash he owed Danny in the episode “Mad Money,” and let Steph drive a car through the wall of the kitchen. Not exactly a beacon of responsibility. And let’s not forget the time he brought Michelle and her science club to a bar on Super Bowl Sunday and almost got everyone killed. The Vanilla Weasels seem to be pretty much in character with what we know of the man.

Posted by JDBRenz8 10/26/16 11:42:16 A.M.

The whole point of the stolen car episode was that Joey wanted to be taken seriously, so you’re contradicting yourself here! Would a man who wanted to be taken seriously climb on a table to lick some crumbs? Really, Marie123?

Posted by Marie123 10/26/16 11:50:55 A.M.

Even if he wanted to be taken seriously, that episode contains a million examples of his stupid, childish behavior. It’s why after the family lists them all out to exculpate him from the crime that his feelings are hurt, because he’s confronted with all of his immature tendencies, and he’s embarrassed in front of the lady cop. This is the guy who carries a woodchuck puppet around on his hand and talks to it in public, out of character, not in the context of the Ranger Joe show. He’s a silly guy, deal with it.

Posted by JDBRenz8 10/26/16 11:52:53 A.M.

Now I feel like I’m being personally attacked. All I said was that the story lines in Season 8 got extra ridiculous, and now I’m being lectured about Mr. Woodchuck?

Posted by Marie123 10/26/16 11:56:36 A.M.

I’m not lecturing anyone, I’m just pointing out that the tone of the show has long been heightened and that’s where it shines. How Rude!

Posted by JDBRenz8 10/26/16 11:58:21 A.M.

Yeah, the story of a widower with three motherless daughters is totally goofy…asshole.

Posted by Voxox121 10/26/16 12:13:09 P.M.

this show sux u guys r fags

Read it: http://theneweryork.com/riding-shark-rebecca-blomberg/

#full house #funny #long #shane jesse christmass #sitcoms #tv #words #Artifacts #Correspondence

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queenmobs · 9 years ago

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Fiction: EMBRYOMEME.

Plastic bags move frantically in time with unfathomable shitness. Knowbots scan the New York Power Authority for imminent blackouts. Ginny lifts her shirt collar up. A watering can in her right hand. Ginny snaps out of her blackout. She’s outside Gramercy Park. Ginny walks down from the intersection. A noose draped from the electricity pole. Shards of windscreen in a building site projecting the image of midday 1985. Ginny wears black slippers. Music fumbles from these black slippers. Ginny inspects the inside of her black slippers. Coal lumps at a bus stop. Ginny’s throat has tension and then none. Choking and limbs slowing let down. Ginny feeling within the Lower East Side. Ginny with sunglasses over eyeballs. A long coat over her body. Weeks of shoe polish washing in from Little Italy. A thin woman pushes through the fog. Graffitti all over the courthouses in Foley Squarae. Sadness. Ginny looks inside her hospital locker. Her fingers dangle like key chains. Her hands up against the mirror. Slowly and repeatedly. Steam on mirror, steam in bathroom. Cab drivers riding people over to the mall. Tourists telling fibs. Hair pushed back from forehead. Jeans in a tight-style. Cool morning air pumping in from Worth Street. Men with testicles all stooped on the ground, lope around Bayard Street. People dancing on gasoline. Disease in the air and tone tongue orchestras playing near South Street, the entrance to Brooklyn Bridge. Ginny’s lips. A mound of clay underneath Brooklyn Bridge. No one knows who placed it there. Garrottes draw blood from the broken window. Ginny trails her fingers along the wall. Cum in her hand. She smears it all the wall. The sound is vast. Financial organisations collapsing around Ann Street. Moustaches and women with waxed shins. Fungaql spores feel good in the stomach.

#Shane Jesse Christmass #fiction

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deckfight · 10 years ago

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2 Fast 2 Furious The Novel Part 3 // 3:09-4:33 by Brad Kennedy

Welcome, reader, to the chooseable-content 3rd chapter 03 prelude of the ALT LIT FILM NOVELISATION, 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS!

Chances are you’ve just settled in to reading this thing, and you may not yet be certain that the plot contains enough “narrative hooks” to engage your investment as a reader! It’s okay. Feelings like this are natural. All we’ve done so far is introduce the supporting cast and set the stage for a race scene. The last chapter ended with Ludacris saying shit about how a dude had four minutes to be somewhere, which means, judging by time, that the whole next chapter is gonna be about this dude getting there! That’s a whole chapter devoted to moving one character across town, whose name hasn’t even been decided on yet! So instead, I thought I would give you - the reader - some other options with which to occupy your attention.

1. IF YOU’D LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS MYSTERIOUS RACER AND THE FIRST MINUTE AND A HALF OF HIS ALLOTED TIME TO GET ACROSS... MIAMI? I THINK THIS IS MIAMI... THEN CONTINUE READING AFTER THIS SECTION, DOWN WHERE THE TEXT HEADING IS HEADED SECTION 3. TRUST ME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I JUST SPENT A HUNDRED OR SO WORDS TALKING IT DOWN, IT’S STILL NARRATIVELYIMPORTANTANDINTERESTING.AND EVEN IF I’M LYING TO YOU, READING IS HEALTHY FOR YOUR BRAIN, SO GET INCENTIVISED.

2. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN MISS OUT ON THE INITIAL ATTENTION-GRABBING CAR CINEMATICS OF THIS NOVELISATION, SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE THIS IS A BOOK, SO THE CINEMATICS OF THE SCENE ARE HARD TO CONVEY AT BEST AND COME ACROSS AS CHEAP AND FLAT THROUGH WORDS AT WORST, PERHAPS YOU’D BE INTERESTED IN SUPPLEMENTARY “FUN FACT” INFO ABOUT THE REST OF THE MOVIE TO COME, WHICH WILL ALLOW YOU TO GAUGE HOW FAR YOU REALLY WANNA TAKE THIS “BOOK READING” THING FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS. IF SO, READ THE TEXT WITH A HEADING SECTION 1 AFTER THIS EXPLANATORY SECTION ENDS.

3. IF YOU, LIKE ME, ARE SUSPICIOUS AND CONFUSED AS TO HOW THIS MOVIE MANAGED TO PREDICT THE EXACT PLOT DETAILS OF THE CLASSIC VIDEOGAME “NEED FOR SPEED: UNDERCOVER” NEARLY FIVE YEARS IN ADVANCE, THEN PERHAPS WE CAN TAKE OUR SHORT TIME TOGETHER TO SHARE CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND MUTTER DARKLY ABOUT HOW THE GOVERNMENT AND HOLLYWOOD HAVE BEEN STEALING IDEAS FROM THE FUTURE, WHICH, THROUGH A COMPLEX PARADOX I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO EXPLAIN, IS WHY THE ONLY MOVIES IN THEATRES TODAY ARE SEQUELS. IF THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS ENTERTAINING OR EVEN SANE TO YOU, READ THE TEXT WITH THE HEADING SECTION 2.

1 ~~JUST THE FACTS: STRAIGHT TRUTHS THAT YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THIS MOVIE~~

Ludacris does all his own stunts, raps, and built all of his own cars for the movie. His real life is actually much closer to that of his character than anyone suspects. All of his lines in the film were just improvised things he would normally say in a situation like this.

One of the people in this movie had never driven a car before! READ THE BOOK AND SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS WHO. (Hint: they do a surprising amount of driving!)

It was written into Paul Walker’s contract that none of the cars he would have to drive would go faster than 88 miles per hour, because he believes the Back To The Future films are a three-part documentary, and that he might one day accidentally get sucked into the past. Any scenes where he had to go faster than 88mph were shot using an uncredited stunt double who many cast and crew on set described as, “Weirdly identical to Paul, but like, 15 years older, at least.”

That dude in the gold sweatpants in this opening race scene is named “Orange Julius”! Does he have radical street cred and a fondness for smoothies, or is this just really cool product placement? YOU BE THE JUDGE.

That technology the police use to stop the street racer cars with electricity later in the movie totally exists in real life, but the cops made everyone involved with the production promise to pretend it was just a movie prop, and that they had seen nothing.

There are parts of the movie that were put into the film backwards from how they were originally shot! The giveaway for this is when one of the people on-screen starts talking in that freaky backwards way.

~COOL COUNT: LOOSELY TALLIED FUN FACTS ABOUT THINGS THAT OCCUR A LOT IN THE FILM~

Number of times the word “bro” or “brah” or “breh” is said: like probably 160. If you notice at any point during your reading that nobody has said “breh” “brah” or “bro” in a couple minutes, consider sprinkling a few in the margins or some shit. That writer wasn’t paying attention when they did their scene.

Three of the cars in this movie don’t actually exist. You imagined the scenes they were in when you saw it in theatres - though when it comes to the part in the book where these imaginary cars don’t exist, you can feel free to envision them anyways. This is America. You can do whatever you want.

Number of bullets fired: None. This is a movie. No live ammunition was ever used on set. That would be crazy.

Number of times a car does impossible shit: So many. Oh man. At one point a windshield just... explodes, or some shit, like they’re waving a gun around and it starts to explode without any sort of reason, the gun isn’t even pointed at it, but bits explode out of it at random, like the car is angry at them for fighting. And cars jump over all KINDS of shit. Is that a thing cars can do, and I just don’t know about it? I was never able to do jumps and hops and stuff while riding my bike as a kid but everyone else I went to high school with knows how to do that. Maybe it’s the same with cars. Sometimes the cars even jump over each other. The number of car jumps alone probably deserves its own “cool count” fact paragraph, but this one is already way too long.

Number of crimes committed in the making of this movie: One. “Chrono-plagarism.” (CHECK SECTION 2 FOR MORE INFO) Number of cars in the film: Actually, only seven. I know, right? It’s crazy, but they just repainted the same seven cars for every different shot, and special technicians used crafting putty to bulk up the bumpers, add spoilers, etc. Which means that in total they used about 187 coats of paint, and the weight of about 32 cars in putty. It ended up being a lot more expensive than just renting more cars. The director was very embarrassed.

Number of times somebody flippantly tells somebody else to shut up?More than 30! I know, right? The people in this movie have a SERIOUS ATTITUDE PROBLEM. Talk about impolite! If you ask me, between this, all those rude as hell lies, and the swears these racers say to each other over the course of 103 minutes, they oughta call this movie 2 CRASS 2 SPURIOUS.

Oh, by the way, the number of swears in this movie: a TON. I’ve already used a handful of them just talking about it! Not safe for children, probably. Or babies. Especially babies. There is too much danger, excitement, and swears. If you are a baby, PUT THIS BOOK DOWN RIGHT NOW. You can come back to this when you’re older. Just mark your page with some drool or something, alright? Everyone else can keep reading. We just needed to make sure the children were safe first, because here’s one more bit of trivia for you: The children are our future.

2 SO YOU’VE REALIZED THEY’VE RUINED EVERYTHING, EVEN THIS: A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO BLAMING THE GOVERNMENT FOR LAZY SCREENWRITING USING TIME-TRAVEL CONSPIRACIES

Ahh, excellent. A kindred spirit, capable of seeing through the lies of the glittering world around us; untrusting of the government, the electrical transfer of sensitive information, and the all-pervasive complacency of every other helpless soul on the streets of whichever city you inhabit; a fellow anarchist fighting the good fight through complex media analysis.

You came here because in 2008, (or perhaps in an entirely unrelated incident) you picked up a copy of one of my favorite videogames, Need For Speed: Undercover (or any other videogame, or maybe a book, or watched a movie or something, I don’t know you) and recognized it immediately for what it was: a relic of a once-possible future where the ideas contained within had possessed originality. Flair. Life.

Now, it was only a sad trope. A copy of a copy. But then you opened your eyes, and you saw the world for what it really was: A place slowly being robbed of everything good, by its past - by the Hollywood of long ago, in collusion with a nefarious government project. The evidence is all around us. We’re on the 5th or 6th movie in innumerable franchises that so recently in our minds seemed fresh and exciting. We’ve rebooted multiple comic book series into movies, multiple times. They’re making films out of JRR Tolkien’s unfinished stories, now, and movies based on Bourne novels that Robert Ludlum didn’t even write. We live in a world devoid of ideas. Where did they all go?

Tell me this: Have you ever heard the expression, “Remember the 90s?”

And if you haven’t before now... well, do you?

Remember how awesome everything on TV was? The impossible variety of Sunday morning cartoons? The way TV execs seemed to take a chance on everything, and always come out on top? Remember Seinfeld, and Ren and Stimpy, and how many classic, original movies there were?

WRONG. EVERYTHING YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THE 90S IS A LIE.

The 90s sucked. They were awful and boring, and nothing happened. Cultural capital in America was at an all-time low. But in 2008, everything about the 80s, 90s, - and now - changed forever.

The year was 2008, and the final movie in the Star Wars series, The Return Of The Jedi, had just been released in theatres. Everyone was amazed. It was a masterpiece of modern sci-fi storytelling. True genius. Even the president loved it.

“How inspiring,” thought George Bush, the President of The United States. “If only there was a way we could have had these films, with their ubiquitous accessibility, and fantastical tales of morals and imagination... but in the 70s, when myself and every other current rich white person was young!”

And so operation “Hack-Lustre” was launched, designed to excise and transplant cultural capital of the wealthy and creative 2000s back to the years of dry, boring inactivity where nothing cool happened, in the past.

The initial “Star Wars” program, designed to copy the entire series of America’s favorite movies, was botched in its past-based receiving center, and the final three plots were the only scripts that made it through the pan-dimensional vortex back to 1972.

“We’ll sort it out later,” said Hollywood. “Just make four, five and six now, and we’ll extrapolate the first three from there.”

With that, the career of chrono-scientist and amateur filmmaker George Lucas - one of the leading figures behind the future reclamation project - was launched from anonymity to stardom. This was the first of many things that Hollywood’s future-based Idea Siphon would steal, and eventually ruin.

And in that moment, things in the world we know today began to crumble and fall to pieces.

The prequel series of Star Wars aired in 1999, but the scripts of what was initially an original block-buster sci-fi trifecta had been lost crossing the universal divide, and Lucas was forced to improvise. This was a glaring giveaway to discerning chrono-scholars, along with the three-year gaps between releases to milk the franchise as long as they could.

“It’s like he’s regressed to a child, wildly destroying the elegant creations of his early success,” critics at the time remarked. But what they couldn’t know is that George Lucas never wrote Star Wars.The man who actually had written Star Wars - not so long ago, in a universe far, far away - died penniless and alone, deprived of the future that had made him a brilliant auteur. Meanwhile, George Lucas was lost, terrified, and confused - just as the critics had suggested.

Still not convinced? Then think back, perhaps, to the abundance of creative television from your childhood. Now think about how everything today seems like junk, and all the good “classic” shows, like The Simpsons keep running long beyond the point where they should end. This is because the initial airing dated for the first episode of The Simpsons was moved 12 years into the past, rendering the show 12 seasons stale before it officially even began. We’ve got at least three more years of this junk before we’re caught up to the original cancellation of the show in Universe Prime.

WAKE UP, PEOPLE. The classics of the modern era are being stolen from us. What if tomorrow, we all remember Inception hitting theatres in 1990 instead of 2010? CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS? CAN YOU IMAGINE WHICH SEQUEL NUMBER WE’D BE ON BY NOW? And there’s more: I swear Woody Allen used to be half the age he is now. I can’t prove it, but I think he’s one of the first human subjects to actually travel back. It explains why he’s been able to do double the number of movies of any normal director, and also why his wife is now roughly forty years his junior. We are losing the greatest ideas of our generation to our grandparents, and the holes in reality where these movies once were are replaced with a dim reflection of the cinematic gems they once were: endless hordes of sequels.

We don’t yet know what to do to stop it. But I hope after reading this, you can take solace in knowing that you’re not alone. We have to believe we can fight this. We have to break free of the cycle. We can quit repeating ourselves, making mocking copies of copies of copies. Go out there. Live. Contribute new ideas to the world, before we lose it forever.

But aside from all that, enjoy the rest of this Novelization of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, the critically acclaimed second film in FAST AND FURIOUS series! Read on, stay focused, and remember to check the IMDB top 20 once a week, to make sure your favorites aren’t being stolen by government time-thieves.

3 ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE ACTUAL BIT ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE MOVIE RIGHT NOW

“You got four minutes, man.” “All right. I’ll be there.” Paul Walker threw down the phone and ran out of the room without even asking for directions. His character was the best racer on Earth, he would later argue with the continuity expert, and thus had an innate “race-dar” that would allow him to find any street race within a hundred miles, with pinpoint accuracy. If the continuity expert thought that was dumb, then perhaps a more personal examination of the scene’s plausibility was in order. Maybe the continuity expert ought to spend a few takes in Paul Walker’s trunk, getting to know the character better, Paul Walker suggested. The continuity expert politely backed down. Nobody else argued with Paul Walker’s character decisions after that first day of shooting.

Just like in prison. Act crazy on the first day and everybody leaves you alone, Paul Walker thought to himself as he raced across the city at deadly speed. He was not bothered by the apparent subconscious insinuation that he lived his life as if jailed by his glamorous career and everyone’s expectations of him. Maybe he didn’t realize he was doing that. Maybe being such a popular actor just did something to your brain. His handsome, talented muscles manipulated the controls of the car with a careless, handsome ease. Outside the vehicle, dozens of cameras panned around the green-screen podium where the vehicle sat motionless, capturing footage for CGI later. Paul Walker wondered what all of his other street- racer cohorts were doing with their extra four minutes, though in reality he knew that everyone was waiting in their trailers for the next scene to be shot, and not actually partying in expectant apprehension while he raced across town. Handsome, he thought, looking at his reflection in the rear-view mirror.

At the street race across town, sick jams were being pumped from speakers in a fancy car while people did cool breakdancing moves to the beat. You can find the song they were dancing to at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa7nrbZ11UU. Thanks, Mike C! The Internet is great.

Ludacris nodded, smiling as so many people danced and partied to a song he had made. He was proud of himself and all that he had achieved. Truly he was a man who had lived life to the fullest, he realized, catching sight of his afro in the gleaming reflection of one of the movie’s seven real cars. Ludacris experienced an immense feeling of personal satisfaction at this thought. It would be really great to be Ludacris, I think.

Hundreds of extras milled about and got rowdy to the sounds of Luda’s wicked track. They worked up an incredible amount of energy for a bunch of people who had been standing off to one side drinking bad coffee and muttering ten minutes ago. After this they would all go home. In a week or two, they would each receive a check for a few hundred dollars by mail. Later, when the movie hit theaters, every single one of these people would drag friends and family to see them onscreen in this one fleeting moment of dance parties, heated brawls and flirtatious filler dialogue. In a sense, this scene was the most important part of the movie for a lot of people. Some of them might have even walked out of the theater after this scene, having watched all that they needed to. Rest assured, hundreds of extras: your contributions do not go unrecognized by the rest of us.

Sadly, the moment was cut short. Paul Walker’s car slowly rolled on set, being pushed by a couple of key grips and a best boy who really had other important stuff they should have been doing at that time. Inside the vehicle, Paul Walker wiggled controls and revved the engine to make cool sounds. He figured there was no need to put the car in gear when he had all these people who loved him to push the car around.

The crowd parted before the rumbling vehicle like the Red Sea, which did very little to help Paul Walker’s messiah complex. Candid shots of people making confused and upset expressions at the sounds of his arrival would actually be used in the movie, and Devon Aoki’s heated mutter of “Shit, it’s Paul Walker,” would be later dubbed to whatever Paul Walker inevitably decided to name his character. It was in his contract that he be allowed to pick the name. Paul Walker felt this added a personal touch to every role he performed, as if he was christening each part as a child of his own.

The crew members who were pushing Paul Walker’s car collapsed, panting, as he rolled up to the starting line. Steam vented from weird parts of his car for no real reason. Soon the race would begin. Paul Walker got out of his car. He was worried about the window tint obstructing people’s view of his face, and also it was in the script.

BRAD KENNEDY WEBSITE: ??? (pls help)

ART BY SHANE JESSE CHRISTMASS

#2 fast 2 furious #NOVEL #BOOKS #brad kennedy #shane jesse christmass #deckfight

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