#several of her songs are on nina's playlists

[larperwithastaff]

twisting my blorbo around in my head. each time i drop her, a piece of the figure breaks off and an au is formed from the broken part

[trippinsorrows]

looking through your eyes + twenty six

authors note: this chapter almost entirely covers grief. be prepared.

cw/tw: angst (discussion of grief and loss)

song inspo: ‘looking through your eyes’ by leann rimes

chapter suggested listening: "i hope you dance" by gladys knight, "lift me up" by rihanna, and "dancing in the sky" by dani and izzy.

masterlist +story playlist + taglist request form

words: 9k

Solana still vividly remembers the moment she was told her mother was dead. Not the moment where Nina died, where she took her last breath. No, that devastating memory is forever attached and molded to Solana’s recollection, something to never escape her, despite her best efforts to dump it into the sea of the forgotten.

No, the moment she was told is something different, somehow colder and heavier. 

She can still recall the sound of beeping machines, blurry, amorphous figures melting into something less abstract and more corporeal. The smell of nothing, sterilization that was quickly permeated by the overwhelming scent of her father’s cologne.

For some reason, that was more prominent and noticeable than the tube down her throat, preventing her from clearly speaking. It didn’t stop her from trying though. Because even with her barely cognizant state, with the fact that she wasn’t still fully aware of where she was and what occurred, her focus was on one person.

Her mother.

That was the intended word, Solana’s muffled moans and groans, fighting against the tube. The pain that shot through her little body while trying to move it wasn’t enough to stop her from asking. 

Mommy

It’s something that’s always sat with her. Influenced her in many ways. 

It’s also something that helps her understand a fraction of what Roman is going through right now, the feelings he might be experiencing. Everyone is different. She knows this. But, she also knows the feeling of loss. Of feeling alone.

And she swore to him he would never be alone.

Fetu is gone, yes. But, he’ll always have her.

It's what she keeps in mind as she and Jimmy arrive at Fetu's place and move to enter.

Solana had a feeling she would be walking into a difficult scene, but she hadn’t the slightest clue the severity of said difficulty.

“Oh my God….”

It’s bedlam. 

Chaos and destruction all around her from the minute she and Jimmy open the front door and walk in. Furniture turned upside down, shattered shards of glass littering the floor all over, dents and scuffs on the wall, indicating objects being thrown.

Solana even spots a few holes she can tell weren’t caused by objects.

They were caused by fists. 

But while Jimmy stands beside her, face not hiding his shock and slight horror at what lies before them, Solana’s similar expression stems from a different space.

It stems from how devastated her husband must be right now to cause such destruction.

“I’ve gotta find him,” Solana says, swallowing and moving to maneuver past the glass when a cautious but firm hand grabs her arm.

“Solana, let me find him.”

She doesn’t need an explanation as to why this is being proposed. The answer is written in red lettered concern all over his face.

She shakes her head. “No.”

Jimmy sighs, dropping his hand to gesture to the wreckage around them. “Solana….look at what he did.” She has. Hard not to. “He’s clearly not in a good place right now.”

“Would you be?” She challenges. “Put yourself in his shoes, Jimmy. In my shoes.” Voice breaking, she discloses. “You don’t know what it’s like to unexpectedly lose the one person who meant the world to you….and to not be able to say goodbye.” Solana sniffles, forcing out a shaky breath. “I know what he’s feeling right now, which is how I know what he needs, and it’s not you.”

Jimmy is silent. A small part of her understands and appreciates his concern, but he has to understand her side of things too. 

Roman may be his cousin, lifelong friend, borderline brother.

But, Roman is her husband. Her person. Her better half.

Her soulmate.

“I’ll be fine,” she reassures, reaching for his hand. “What I need you to do is find Ava.” She motions to the destroyed room. "We don’t know if she was part of this as well.” Because despite only one meeting, Solana can tell that Ava has a strong personality just like Roman. Loved Fetu just as much as Roman.

She has to be just as distraught.

Jimmy counters, “let me try to clean some of this up first.”

“No.” Solana shakes her head. “I can handle that.” Because cleaning up after men following outbursts is something, sadly, she has plenty of experience with. Countless times her father and brother would destroy rooms and force her to clean up their mess. So, certainly, she can do the same for a man whose actions are fueled not by rage.

But pain.

Loss.

Grief.

Especially when that man is her husband. 

“Solana—”

“And I—I want you to leave after that.” His eyes double in size, prompting her to explain. “Roman…..he’s gonna need some time. I don’t….I don’t think he’s going to want to be around anyone, even you.” Maybe even me. “I want to give him what he needs.”

“Solana—”

“I’ll be fine, Jimmy.” There’s not an ounce of her that believes she won’t. “I just need you to find Ava. Help her. And get back home, because I need you to keep Dulce for us.” She swallows, adding in a small voice. “He’s gonna need a couple days.”

More than that. Much more. But for now, it’ll have to do.

Jimmy still looks unconvinced. 

But, he eventually agrees, leaving to find Ava who had sent a vague text saying she needed air.

Nothing more.

It's how both Jimmy and herself suspect she's gone for a walk in the surrounding woods.

And as soon as he's gone, Solana is on the move, instantly going up the stairs.

Each step taken feels like there’s a ton of bricks attached, weighing her down, pulling her back and trying to keep her from exactly where she needs to be. It’s all mental and emotional, but it’s not enough to keep her from pressing forward.

She passes Fetu’s room without sparing a glance, both for her own mental sake and knowing that’s the last place he’d probably be. His room would seem the most logical place to start to look, but she also knows that when one is deep in the throes of grief, there is no place for logic.

So, she goes through each room, bypassing the bathrooms and Ava’s bedroom. Again, another place she just can’t picture him being.

It eventually leaves her with two options: the last guest room and his room. Given the cracked door for the latter, that’s the route she chooses.

Solana’s heart is slamming repeatedly against her chest, her eyes watering prematurely at what she knows will be a heavy ass sight. But still, she powers through those emotions, bypasses her own personal sentiments and focuses on him.

A gentle knock followed up with, “Roman?” Nothing. She’s not surprised, but she at least would like him to know it’s her about to enter and not someone else. Something tells her his reaction would be different—very different—if anyone else was trying to “disturb” him right now. 

Solana gently turns the knob, partially unsurprised to also find the room in a slight state of disarray. Not nearly as bad as the living room and entrance but still indicative of turmoil.

A lamp lays shattered near the door to the bathroom, a picture knocked off the wall, the TV also down on the floor. Nothing major beyond that, but even if so, it wouldn’t capture much—or any—of her focus. No, that’s because it’s already spoken for. 

“Roman….”

She sees him. Slumped on the floor, one long leg outstretched, other leg up, extend arm resting on his knee. Closing the door behind her, she rushes over to him, again unsurprised by how he doesn’t even bother looking in her direction.

Instantly, those watery eyes are upgraded to silent tears streaming down her face. “Ro…..” Carefully leaning down beside him, she finds herself reaching to push back some of his hair that’s not neatly tucked into his everyday bun but instead wild, hanging, unruly. 

A perfect representation of what he must be feeling. 

She shakes her head, “I’m so so—”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

There’s not a part of her that’s taken back by his words: hollow, empty, stoic. If anything, it’s expected. 

She expected this kind of reaction to her presence.

Shaking her head, Solana keeps her voice leveled. “I’m exactly where I should be.” Her gaze travels to his hand, a small gasp leaving at the blusied, lacerated, bloody state of his knuckles. “Roman—”

“I want to be alone.” 

Another emotionless statement, forcing her to look back at him. He looks shattered, but in a way that makes sense for him. No red, teary, puffy eyes. No. Just an empty look that hides an abundance of emotions. 

Solana makes sure not to stutter, stammer, or anything of the sort as she calmly replies, “I’m not leaving you alone.”

He closes his eyes, his jaw ticking, a sign of growing anger. It doesn’t deter her. “Solana, I want to be alone.”

“Roman—”

“I said leave!”

Silence

There’s a burst of silence that washes over the room following his outburst: loud, frigid, pained.

It’s been some time since he’s raised his voice with her, and the last time, her reaction was typical for where she was at that point. Scared, frightened, terrified even.

None of that could even remotely describe what she’s feeling right now. 

Solana has no reaction to his outburst. No flinching, no cowering, no wincing. Nothing.

“No, you don’t.” A closed, sullen smile as she moves a lock of his hair back out of his face. “You just don’t want to feel what you’re feeling. You’re angry and hurt and sad and confused and so many things you probably don’t even understand, because….because that’s what grief is.”

He says nothing, offers not outward reaction to her words. 

“I’m gonna say this one time and one time only.” She’s never been more sure about something in her life. “You can yell at me, you can scream at me, you can throw shit in my presence, you can even flip over every piece of furniture in this house, but I am not leaving. You may want to be alone, but you don’t need to be alone.” Pushing back more of his hair, it’s not missed on her the way he clenches his jaw. Not from anger. Something else. Something vulnerable. “I’m gonna clean and wrap up your hand, then I’m going to clean up downstairs and cook. I won’t talk to you unless you initiate it, and I won’t force you to interact with me. You can ignore me all you want, but as long as you’re here, I’m here.”  Her voice cracks as she stresses, “I’m not leaving you.”

Roman continues to remain silent following her heartfelt explanation, but it doesn’t bother her. None of what he’s done, what he’s said or not said bothers her, because right now, whatever he’s feeling is valid. 

“I’ll be right back,” she murmurs. Solana walks over to the bathroom and pulls out the first aid kit from the cabinet, returning to her husband who hasn’t moved. Silently, she works to disinfect and tend to his injuries. It’s not horrifically bad, but it’s not good, either. She’s unsure if Roman flexes his fingers to show nothing is fractured, but regardless, it’s appreciated and checks off a box without her needing to ask any questions.

Once finished, she informs, “I’m gonna go start cleaning up. Afterwards, I’ll fix you something to eat. I’ll have your plate on the table and text you when it’s ready. I’ll eat elsewhere.”

Roman continues to offer no sign that he’s listening to a word she’s saying. Still, it does nothing to deter her. Kissing his forehead, she returns the first aid kit to where she found it and walks out the room, leaving the door slightly cracked.

Solana walks back downstairs and stops midway to survey the damage around her. A lot is ruined beyond repair, but her focus is less on what was broken and more on ridding the place of the hazards. Starting with the broken glass.

Remembering where the cleaning supplies are kept, Solana carefully maneuvers her way across the floor and grabs the broom and dust pan. Wordlessly, she moves to clear the floor, dumping the shards into the nearest trash can. For extra protection, she vacuums the floor twice to suck up any remaining pieces. 

Following that, she goes to put back unbroken items where they belong. Pillows back on the sofa. A sofa that she had to tip over. Books back on the shelf. Pictures that once belonged in now broken picture frames on the coffee table. And the items of irreparable damage dumped in both the kitchen bin as well as the big bin out back.

It’s about half an hour of work, significantly less time than most people would need, but this isn’t Solana’s first rodeo.

She’s seen this movie before. 

Is very familiar with how it plays out. 

She’s about to start on the food when the sound of a door opening pulls her from searching the fridge to see what she can put together. 

Turning and walking towards the front door, Solana is already moving towards a despondent Ava, pulling her into a comforting hug. 

Ava sniffles into her shoulder, Solana’s eyes closing as she feels Jimmy’s sad gaze on them.

“I’m so sorry,” Solana whispers, holding her tighter. This is such a devastating loss on all fronts, and while he heart breaks for Roman not being able to see Fetu before she passed, Ava was the one who probably sat with her as she took her last breath.

Solana also knows how equally devastating that can be as well.

“Thank you for being here,” Ava murmurs, eventually pulling back and wiping her eyes. “And for….cleaning up.” She lazily gestures to the room that’s still not together but much better than it was.

Solana nods, taking Ava’s hand. “I was going to cook. Why don’t you—”

“Thank you, but—” Ava offers a small smile that doesn’t meet her eyes. “I can’t—I can’t stay here.” Her lips press together as she shrugs with one shoulder. “Too many memories.” Solana also understands that. Understands it well. “I have an apartment out in town. I’m gonna—I’m gonna go stay there for a couple days, at least until–until the funeral.”

Funeral……

Solana doesn’t want to think about that.

“Of course,” she nods. “But, if you need anything—”

“I know.” Another smile. One that more so meets the eyes. Comes from a place of gratitude. She then gestures up the stairs. “But, he’s going to need you more.”

————

It’s difficult. 

For many different reasons. Solana trying to process her own grief while wanting to support and be there for Roman, while he works through his own. And while Solana logically knows that Roman icing her out, to some extent, should be expected, it doesn’t make it any easier.

Doesn’t hurt her any less to know he’s hurting but won’t let her help him.

But, she also knows she made that an option for him, and she doesn’t regret it. Nothing could stop her from being exactly where she is, even if Roman hasn’t said a word to her since her arrival almost three days prior.

Occasional glances and head nods, but nothing verbal. That also hurts, but she doesn’t take it personally. Knows that he’s just weighed down by everything that’s happened. 

She just continues to do what she can, prepare his meals that he eats alone, handles cleaning and laundry as he seems to spend the bulk of his days in the home gym or outside on ruins. A lot of avoidance behavior. But, she’s starting to see that’s maybe just how Roman copes.

He doesn’t. He just avoids shit until it “goes away.”

But this….this isn’t something to avoid, something that will go away.

He’s going to have to confront his emotions sooner or later.

Solana shifts on the bed in the guest room. The room where she’s been sleeping, already knowing that if Roman can’t even bring himself to interact with her, the likelihood of him wanting them to sleep in the same bed is slim to none. 

Another thing that’s hard. 

She’s just gotten so used to sleeping in his arms, but that’s a thought that’s much too self-focused. Her needs matter, but so do his, and right now, he’s not able to provide her that. 

And that’s okay, because he’s not okay.

She just wishes she could do something to help that. 

Her phone lighting up with Dr. Stratus smiling face is a nice distraction. “Solana.”

“Hi, doc,” she greets, shifting on the bed. “Thank you for—for making time for this.”

“It sounded important,” her psychiatrist's grin shifts into more of a frown. “And judging by how sad you look right now, I bet it is.” She directly asks, “what’s going on?”

So much. Too much to even fully unpack. “Roman’s…..had a loss in his family recently, and it’s….it’s hit us all pretty hard.” Him, arguably, the most, but also, her meeting and connecting with someone as much as she did with Fetu only to lose her so quickly…..it’s rough.

To say the least. 

Dr. Stratus frowns. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” Solana already knows the question before it’s asked. “You know I have to ask. Are you experiencing any type of ideation?”

“No.” An easy answer. “Not at all. Just….heavy emotions.” Extremely. “Part of that though…..is probably because I’m pregnant.”

A gasp. “Solana.” Again, Dr. Stratus is smiling, still not as deep as her initial grin. But filled with excitement. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Solana sniffles, wiping at her eyes. “I’m sorry, I just—” She’s unable to catch the tear that spills down her cheek. “I still haven’t told Roman, and—and now that this has happened, I don’t even know how I’m supposed to tell him.”

Because that’s the other noxious thing about all of this. How wonderful, life-changing news has been tabled by horrible, also life-changing news.

In no universe can Solana understand and come to terms with how telling Roman about her pregnancy is appropriate. How is he to celebrate life when he’s just lost it?

It’s just all so terribly cruel.

Solana clears her throat. “I went to Roman’s doctor to do the test for me, and it came back positive, but he’s also certain that we’re having twins.”

“Oh, wow,” Dr. Stratus sighs, sympathy written all over her face. “Solana, I can’t imagine how difficult and confusing this must be for you right now.”

Solana whispers, “very.”

“Have you….have you spoken to Gail about this?”

She shakes her head. “No, because…..because it feels wrong—it is wrong—to keep telling people when my own husband doesn’t even know.”

Because it does. Because in a perfect world, she would have come up with a sweet and sentimental manner in which to break said news to him. Instead, she’s having to hide it from everyone around her—including him—sans the medical professionals she needs to know for various medical reasons.

“I understand.” Her voice is kind and calm, a constant. So very much appreciated. “But, you know, like myself, Gail is bound to confidentiality. As your therapist, she can help support you through this on the clinical side.”

“I know, but….but, I signed that paper allowing her to speak to Roman.” A full release of information. Solana knew what it was when she consented and still does now. 

“That doesn’t matter,” she counters. “You can revoke it any time, or even if you want to discuss it and make it clear she’s not to share that with him, you can. You are her client. Not Roman. Her responsibility is to you.”

Solana sits on the helpful advice. She’d forgotten Gail had made that clear when explaining the ROI. That it wasn’t the end all, be all, allowing Roman to know anything and everything about her. 

She might have to keep that in mind.

“So, I take it, you’ve only told me because of your medication, correct?” Solana nods. “Well, I wanna keep you with the Sertraline and Hydroxyzine. We could probably keep you on the Wellbutrin as well, but with a multiples pregnancy, I don’t want any take any risks.” She goes on to explain the plan, the way Solana is to taper off one medication to start another. Solana takes notes to avoid missing anything and makes sure to let the other woman know she probably won’t be home for a couple days. Thus, the switch won’t be immediate. 

That’s another thing that alerts Solana to how low her husband must be feeling. He hasn’t realized or either maybe just feels too down to even be on top of her medication. She’s been giving it to herself, which is something she’d like to become a regular thing. But, Roman not being as strict about it is yet another telltale. 

A strong indication of his continuing mental decline.

Another thing for her to worry about, and God is she worried. 

————

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Sniffling, Solana pauses the music, unable to listen to anymore.

Fetu’s smiling voice and cheery voice suddenly fill the room, returning to her along with a bittersweet memory. 

“Such a beautiful song. One of my favorites,” she’d shared, guiding Solana through a traditional Samoan recipe. “You want to know my favorite line?”

Solana nodded, smiling as she continued to peel the potatoes. “Of course.”

She waited for Fetu to turn down the music before she recited the lines. “Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone. I hope you dance.” Solana watched the almost solemn look in her eyes before the older woman smiled warmly. “Life is such a precious thing. We all have such limited time here in the grand scheme of things. In the good and the bad, we must always dance and find something beautiful to look back at.” 

Solana’s tears intensify, still remembering, feeling the exact emotion she felt in that moment. So profound and moving.

She’d give anything to have just one more type of interaction or conversation with Fetu again.

Even if…..

Even if just to tell her about the pregnancy. 

That makes her cry harder.

It takes a good twenty minutes for Solana to gather herself, to feel ready enough to check on Roman, to see if he needs anything before she goes to bed. 

Day five of his grieving has arrived, and he’s still not spoken to her. It still hurts, but it’s not a major concern.

What is a concern is everything else. His isolation. His helplessness. His sadness.

Solana knows better than anyone else what a depressive episode looks like, and the last thing she wants is to see him slip into one of those.

But, if he doesn’t stop shoving his feelings away, shutting down and dissociating…..that might be where he’s headed. 

Solana bypasses knocking on his door as it’s partially ajar. She instead walks in only to find the balcony door also open, Roman, shirtless, sitting on the chair, staring at absolutely nothing.

She frowns. 

It kills her to see him like this. 

Walking over to him, she stands just close enough for him to hear. “Ro? I’m going to bed. Do—do you need anything?”

His response is as the rest have been. Nonverbal. He simply shakes his head no.

She’s grateful he can’t see the disappointment in her face. “Okay.” Dejected and deterred, Solana turns to leave and return to her room.

“I didn’t come see her enough.”

Solana stops dead in her tracks as his deep voice penetrates the silence. For a quick second, she doesn’t trust it. Doesn’t trust her own hearing, because Roman hasn’t said a word to her in days. And yet…..

She turns toward him, realizing that her hearing isn’t needing testing when it happens again. He speaks. “I should have—I should have listened to you.” Solana walks so that she’s standing in front of him, where she’s partially eclipsed his view of the dark forest and sky that’s littered with a blanket of stars. “I should have—” He closes his eyes, as Solana kneels down in front of him. 

“Please don’t do that,” she begs, shaking her head, taking his hands in hers. His right hand has healed nicely following her tending to it at least once a day since he messed it up. “Please don’t blame yourself. She wouldn’t want that.”

Studying him, Solana is realizing this is the most expressive Roman has been in days. She could feel his grief before, but she can actually see it now. “She knew you loved her, Roman. And she loved you, too.”

“It wasn’t fucking enough though.” The anger is rising again, but it doesn’t deter or scare her, just makes her heart ache. Because she knows it’s just a cover-up for an abundance of sadness. “Never enough.” Her heart fractures even more as he says in a pained, tortured voice. “I wasn’t enough for her….to stay. Not—not her. Not my parents. My uncle. My siblings. None of them.”

And it’s really not until this moment Solana has truly known what it means to see the person you love the most break down before you.

This is a completely different side of her husband. 

This is vulnerability. 

“Ro…..” Fingers raking through some of his hair, she does her best to find any words that could provide him some type of comfort, all while knowing nothing can ever really take away his pain. “Baby, you are enough.” More than enough. “What happened wasn’t your fault.” 

He looks away, clearly distraught. “I couldn’t save her this time.” Her eyes shut. This is heartbreaking. “I didn’t…..I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

Solana’s chest aches. Tears brimming in her eyes, she stands up. “Come here.” She doesn’t even have to try to embrace him. Roman already has his arms around her, tugging her closer as he lays his head against her stomach. 

It takes a second for it to register, for her to recognize there’s a slight tremble of his body against hers. For her to understand why his grip on her seems to tighten by the second. He’s holding her so tightly. 

And, it’s when she hears it that it registers.

It’s when she hears the quiet sniffles that it hits her like a ton of bricks. 

He’s crying. 

Another brief second of shock that’s quickly washed away by her natural instinct to nurture and protect. 

“I’m so sorry,” she murmurs, holding him, kissing the top of his head. “Baby, I am so so sorry.”

For one thing and one thing only. His loss. What Fetu’s death has done to him, how it has impacted him so deeply. What’s she’s not sorry for is this long awaited breakdown of sorts. Roman has needed this. Needed it for so long. To finally breakdown and feel his feelings, and while she knows better than anyone how uncomfortable and overwhelming that can be, it’s also inevitable.

This was bound to happen.

She’s just grateful she can be here to support him through this.

The way she always will. 

————

Roman’s breakdown proved to be the catalyst. The thing that helped progress him from this almost stoic state of dissociation to a state of feeling and being. He’s actually talked to and with her. More interaction that doesn’t feel forced, almost natural. What she’s used to. To some degree, because he’s still sad. Of course, he’s sad. Still grieving. All normal.

But, he’s no longer icing her out, and that’s all that matters to her. 

So much so that he’s continued to accept her nurturance and affection. Welcomes it. Craves it, almost. The way he’s welcomed her back into the bedroom, sleeps at night practically on top of her, head on her chest as she rakes her fingers through his hair. The way he pulls her onto his lap as they eat. It’s all so subtle but also loud. The kind of love and support he’s clearly needing, and she gives it all to him.

Whatever he needs, she’ll do.

Solana presses a kiss to his temple and runs her fingers along his broad shoulders as he lays back, almost relaxed against her, the bubbles surrounding them covering the majority of their bodies, warm water infused with lavender and chamomile contributing to the serene atmosphere she was aiming for.

A goal that seems to be working based upon how at ease he feels against her, the leaking of the tension from his big body. 

“I’m gonna drive tomorrow,” Solana informs. Because Roman’s emergence from his dark hole has also meant reintegration into reality and society. Over the past two days, she’s overheard him taking phone calls, some in English, some in Samoan. And from what she could make of these calls is that they were pertaining to funeral arrangements for Fetu.

Clearly, as the funeral is set to be held this upcoming Sunday. 

She has such mixed feelings on that. On how hard that’s going to be for her husband. 

But, one thing at a time.

“I can drive,” he answers, eyes still closed. 

Sighing quietly, she angles her head so that she has a better view of his face. “I said I’m gonna drive.” At that, Roman opens his eyes, clearly taken back by her calm but firm push back. Frowning, she strokes his beard. “I want you to rest.”

Because, she does. Because he’s going to need it. Because in this space for the past week, he’s been able to just be. Be angry. Be hurt. Be sad. Be anything he needs to just be a human freaking being.

But, once they’re back home, all of that has to be turned off. He won’t have the space to be anything but the Tribal Chief and not a man just grieving a very important person. 

So, she wants him to have as much time dwelling in this safe space as possible, and that includes being able to relax while she gets them back home. 

“Besides, I haven't done it in so long, I need to make sure I still remember.” Being chauffeured quite literally everywhere has entirely deprived Solana of the need to have a car of her own but also to actually, well, drive.

Roman scoffs quietly. “That’s reassuring.” 

Rolling her eyes, she flicks his shoulder and murmurs with a small smile, “shut up.”

He does, but it’s only in preparation for what comes next. “Thank you.”

She has a feeling what he’s referring to, but assumptions have rarely done society any good. “For?”

His reply is instant. “All of it.” 

Comfort. It’s something she’s clearly been providing him but something he’s always provided her. 

Solana moves her hands down his chest and across his shoulders, mouth against his temple. “I’d do anything for you…..” Because she would. Anything at all. “Anything you need, just tell me, I’ll do it.”

He’s done so much for her. Supported her through some of her darkest, lowest moments. The least she can do is return the favor. 

Solana watches him sit up, never takes her eyes off him as he adjusts himself so he’s facing her, gently pulling her so she’s almost straddling him. The movement creating a ripple of waves that brushes against their conjoined bodies. Her wet hands move to his face as his move up her damp back.

“I just need you.” It could mean a lot of things, could refer to many of the things she’s done with and for him over the past week. But, that look in his eyes, the way his still solemn gaze drops to her chest, how his hands are moving to her hips, she knows exactly just how he needs her right now. 

Solana reaches past him to turn the knob to start draining the tub before ghosting her lips over his, murmuring, “so take me.” 

————

Being back in their home is an experience. A bit of a tease, really. Because while it’s nice to be in her house, with Dulce who seems to stay by Roman’s side, clearly sensing his grief, it’s also bittersweet.

Because it doesn’t change what’s happened. Doesn’t make the feelings of sadness go away. 

Doesn’t stop Solana from thinking about the letter Fetu gave her, from trying to figure out if it’s the right time to give it to him.

A dilemma that haunts her in the days leading up to the funeral as she works to support and be there for her husband while also managing her own pregnancy symptoms that seem to pop up at the most inconvenient times.

It’s only by the grace of God that Roman hasn’t walked in on her hunched over the toilet, emptying her stomach from any and all food consumed. An irritating occurrence that seems to happen when she’s trying to cook.

She's definitely noticed an increased sensitivity to certain smells. Spices and seasoning that have always been staples in her cooking shelved due to her literally unable to tolerate the nausea that they cause her to experience just from the aroma alone.

Irritating, to say the least.

But, it’s the morning of the actual funeral that has her anxiety spiked, her concern at a naturally high baseline level. All things considered, she just has to focus on being there for Roman. Whatever that looks like. 

Still, it’s heavy and sad and just gut-wrenching.

Just about ready, only needing to slide her sandals on after letting Dulce outside to relieve herself, Solana decides to check on Roman. 

She finds him sitting on the edge of their bed. Like herself, he’s already dressed. A white, short sleeved button up shirt accompanied by a skirt-like wrap with tribal designs. A lavalava, according to Ava with leather sandals. 

She’s certain he heard her walk in, but he remains sitting, head down, ula fala on the bed beside him. Gently closing the door behind her, Solana walks over, partially surprised by how he reaches for her. Hands on her hips, her eyes never leave him as he lifts his head, clearly taking in her outfit. There’s a moment of anxiety under his intense gaze.

It’s easily squashed, however, when he says in a low voice, “you look beautiful.”

His compliment is so appreciated, especially when she thinks about his ability to still balance his grief while also making her feel so special. “Thank you.”

Solana moves her hands to the back of his head as he holds onto her, resting his head against her stomach. “I don’t want to do this.” Her eyes shut. She knows he doesn’t. “But, I have to.”

And that’s the part that kills her. That so much of handling this falls on his shoulders, is his responsibility because of his title. It kills her because it deprives him of just being able to grieve.

“I know, baby,” she comforts, gently stroking the back of his neck. “But, you don’t have to do it alone.”

She feels it. The heavy sigh against her. A sign of a semblance of relief. She’ll take that. She’ll offer that in any way that she can.

Roman sits back up, Solana watching him stand before her. Reaching to his side, she’s careful in how she picks up the ula fala and holds it before him. “Can I…..”

He nods and dips his head, allowing her to place it upon him. Solana is mindful of the placement, remembering the exact place it’s always sat when she’s seen it on him. And when he straightens to his full height, she moves her hands to his chest and says, “I know that you have to be the Tribal Chief today, but when it’s all said and done, and everyone has left and it’s just you and me, all I want and need you to be is Roman….that’s it.”

Because Roman is a man grieving. Who needs to be able to freely feel his feelings.

Whether he wants to or not.

Solana nods and leans up to kiss his cheek before taking his hand in hers, reminding, “I’ve got you.”

He says nothing, only nods, but he doesn’t have to. She can see the appreciation—and love—in his gaze.

—-----

Solana has never actually attended a funeral before. By the time she woke up from her coma, Xavier already had her mother buried, depriving her of that formal goodbye.

So this is a first for her. Different. She quickly learns that death is something that is not necessarily seen as a bad thing in Samoan culture. Sad, yes, but the focus is on the celebration of life, which she started to figure based upon the white color scheme.

Given the nature of the situation, Solana is unsurprised by the small attendance. Roman’s preference, no doubt. Jimmy, Jey, and Rikishi are all expected guests, along with the preacher who officiates. However, it’s Paul and Dwayne who take her by surprise.

There’s a sense of gratitude, however, when they both hug Roman and offer their condolences. And she’s especially moved by the extended time taken with the hug from Dwayne, the way she can feel the empathy emanating from his tall frame.

She appreciates it deeply, and she knows that Roman does, too. 

There are also a couple of other attendees that surprise her but not entirely, as they uphold what she would guess are Samoan traditions for funerals. Song and dance. Prayers. 

It’s a beautiful send-off, one fitting for Roman’s eccentric aunt.

And almost the entire time, Solana remains by his side. Holding his hand or his arm, and if not in physical proximity, she always finds him, watching him. He is her number one concern. 

All things considered, he holds himself together well, but that’s highly due to the mask he’s wearing. The strong resilience he’s displaying in terms of not giving away the true extent of his hurt. But, Solana feels it. Feels it deeply when it’s just the two of them standing in front of Fetu’s casket, the others already departed and readying to leave. She’s about to do the same, leave him to have some semblance of privacy, only for him to tighten his hand that’s tightly clasped with hers. 

“Stay.”

A single, simple word. But, enough.

Solana nods, moving to hold onto his arm, standing quietly but supportively beside him.

As she always will. 

It’s after that, unfortunately, that things go downhill.

Solana partially expected the twins to come over following the funeral. Ava as well. All three, however, expressed their desire to give Roman his space. And, it’s appreciated, because Solana also believes that to be the best.

For right now.

However, that sentiment is not shared by Dwayne, Paul, and Rikishi. And truly, the first of the three is no issue. He doesn’t ride in the limo, opting to drive himself back to the house. 

But, it’s during that ride, for the first time since learning of Fetu’s passing, Solana feels anger.

Not even as part of the grieving process. No, she feels anger towards the two men who sit across from herself and Roman. She feels anger toward them because they haven’t even driven off yet when they’re throwing a bunch of work questions and situations at her husband.

Her husband who may look present, but she knows him well enough to know he’s not. 

And given how long these two men have known Roman, she would have thought they could see the same.

Maybe they don’t.

Or, maybe they do and just don’t care. Either one pisses her off. Makes it hard for her to hold her tongue.

Shipments. Orders. Contracts. All logical things someone in Roman’s state shouldn’t be dealing with. 

But, it’s exactly what they’re throwing at him.

Even as they arrive at the house, Dwayne taking a call out back, Paul and Rikishi barely have Roman sat down at their dining room table when they’re back at it.

“Orton wants to speak with you regarding re-negotiating the RKO proposal.”

“Stocks are looking good, but we need to start thinking about next quarter.”

“The Cartel are still interested in meeting. You need to make that happen ASAP.”

A bunch of irrelevant shit. Solana partially wants to stay outside with Dulce to avoid having to overhear it, but it’s impossible to not want to be present. To not feel the need to be present. 

Just what more do they plan to throw at Roman?

Her husband is responding, being responsive, but she can see it, hear it. The difficulty he’s having. 

And it has her nearly bursting at the seams, trying to focus on moving around the kitchen, early preparation for dinner, but it’s hard.

She’s given a chance though when Roman clears his throat and says something about changing before he stands up from the chair and starts to walk away.

Just like that, Solana knows this is her opportunity, her chance, and she has to take it. 

Because, she’s disgusted.

It’s only when she’s certain that Roman is upstairs, fully out of hearing distance that she finds herself asking, “what is wrong with you two?”

Both men look at her with partially startled, mostly confused, expressions. Rikishi is the first to speak. “What?”

Solana scoffs and points toward the steps. “He just buried his aunt. Her body isn’t even cold in the ground, and you’re asking him about work?” She continues, throwing out almost angrily, “does he look like he needs to be working right now?”

There’s a bit of a standstill. Paul looks flustered, his cheeks turning red like a child being scolded by a parent. Rikishi, however, wears an almost blank expression. “You are not Samoan, therefore you do not understand our ways. We do not mourn like you do. We celebrate life.”

“Yeah, well he’s not in place to celeb—”

“Roman is the Tribal Chief. What he needs is irrelevant when it comes to the Bloodline.” Rikishi’s interruption—and his words—have her taken back. “He understands what his duty is.”

“His duty…..” It’s potentially a build up of things, sadness and grief, manifesting as anger. Regardless, it’s growing with each word that leaves this man’s mouth. “Has he not given enough? He does everything he’s supposed to do for the Bloodline—”

“Except provide an heir,” Rikishi’s voice is as icy as the cold look in his eyes. “Or would that be you failing at the one job you have?”

Paul’s eyes widen as looks at the man beside him. “Rikishi—”

It takes so much, so much for Solana to not shut him up, to not tell him that she’s pregnant, hoping that he spreads it to any and all who’ve given Roman a hard time about not having a child.

Because fuck them. 

The chubby man lifts up his hand as he stands from his seat, rounding the corner of the table. “You are not Bloodline, so I’m not surprised you don’t know your place—”

“My place–” There’s not a single ounce of her wanting or willing to back down in this moment. “–is beside my husband.”

“Do not forget, girl, who put you in that position.” There’s an almost hint of disgust in the way the word ‘girl’ leaves his mouth. “You were nothing before him. Nothing but a punching bag for that pathetic father and brother—”

Solana has never considered herself a violent person, especially not someone who responds with violence. But, it’s almost instinct. Because one minute her hand is at her side, the next it’s colliding with Rikishi’s cheek, with an intensity that sends his head to the side. 

And she doesn’t regret it one bit.

Finally aware of what’s just happened, Solana can only process the anger in his fat face and the way he lifts his hand toward her. Except instead of cowering, she prepares to block it.

But, she doesn’t have to.

Because someone else does.

Solana gasps quietly at Dwayne who stands beside, almost in front of her, protectively, holding Rikishi’s arm in an iron grip. 

“I don’t think you want to do that,” he says with the perfect balance of lightness and seriousness. “Unless you want me to lay your candy ass out for breaking Bloodlines rules for putting your hands on a woman.”

Rikishi hisses and snatches his arm away. “She put her hands on me. I am an Elder.”

“I don’t give a damn who you are. You will not disrespect me in my house,” Solana swears. Never again will she allow any man to harm her, physically or verbally. 

And that’s a promise. 

Dwayne shrugs. “Sounds fair to me.” He then smiles, but there’s no trace of humor. “And like you said, she’s not one of us, so she doesn’t know our ways.”

Solana is surprised at that. How long has he been listening?

Paul suddenly steps forward, looking like he’s about to have a damn panic attack. “Clearly, there’s been some—”

“Get out.”

Solana’s interruption earns a variety of expressions ranging from surprisement, amusement and indignation.

Paul stutters. “I’m s-s-”

“I want you both out of my house.” There’s no stuttering on her end. “Now.”

While Paul looks confused between his friend and Dwayne, the latter chuckles, expressing, “I believe the wife of the Tribal Chief has made herself clear.” And just like that the smirk drops into a straight line as he orders, “leave.”

Paul doesn’t need to be told twice, the obese man hurriedly grabbing his papers with trembling hands. It’s Rikishi, however, whose gaze is now focused on her with borderline amusement.

He holds her stare, and she doesn’t dare look away. He will not intimidate her. 

Paul is mumbling and murmuring to the other man about needing to leave, something about coming back later, but again, he’s silenced by Rikishi.

“Well played, girl. Well played.” 

Rikishi turns to walk away when Solana finds herself stepping past Dwayne. “My name is Solana. Solana Reigns. The wife of your Tribal Chief, Roman Reigns, and you will address me as such.”

Paul looks like he’s seen a ghost, like he’s seconds away from pissing himself. Rikishi just stares with a cold smile, one that doesn’t prevent or scare her from continuing. 

“And if you ever raise your hand to me again.” she steps forward, invading his personal space the same way he invaded hers. “Just know that I don’t need my husband to kick your ass.” There’s an almost snarl to her lip as she vows, “I can do it myself.”

Because she can. Because if she can put her brother, someone who terrorized and literally tortured her for years in the ICU, she can certainly do it to the rotund man before her. 

He doesn’t say anything else, just turns on his heel and leaves out with Paul, but Solana knows better. Recognizes that look. Has seen it before. Knows what it means.

This isn’t over. 

And yet, there’s not a part of her that’s nervous, that feels scared or even upset with herself at how she responded.

Because she’s spent years being hurt and disrespected by men. No more.

Not for herself but also for the children growing in her stomach. Children that she strongly believes to be girls. Solana would soon rather die than have anyone treat her daughters the way she’s been treated.

And she knows Roman would and will feel the same.

So, it starts now. The demanding of respect that she’s always deserved.

Regardless of who her husband is.

Dwayne steps forward, gentle hand on her shoulder. “You alright?” Before she can answer, he informs, “I’ll make sure Roman knows about—”

“No,” she interrupts and shakes her head. “I mean, I’m okay, but I don’t want you telling him. He…..he has enough on his plate.” And the last thing she wants is anything else being added to it. 

Dwayne frowns. “I don’t disagree with you, but as the faletua—”

Now she’s the one frowning. “The what?”

“Faletua,” he says it slower, offering and explanation. “It means the wife of the Tribal Chief.”

Solana is temporarily taken back by that. She never knew there was a direct word for who she is to Roman. For what she is to the Bloodline. 

It’s…..surprising, to say the least. 

“Speaking to you the way he did was unacceptable, but going to hit you?” He shakes his head. “Thought he would have learned that shit don’t fly with us by now.”

Curious, Solana crosses her arms and finds herself asking, “what do you mean?”

Dwayne seems a bit reluctant at first, eventually lowering his voice and offering an explanation. “Look, I’m 13 years older than Roman and Rikishi’s twins, so they were too young or not even born to have been around Rikishi when he was a piece of fucking work. Hothead. Impulsive. Used to beat on his wife. Always felt like he should have been the Tribal Chief. Nakoa, Roman’s dad, eventually had to give him an ultimatum: he get some help and straighten the fuck out or he and his entire family would be ex-communicated from the Bloodline.”

Solana hears the word coming out of this man’s mouth, but it’s difficult for her to process said words. Everything seems so…..unbelievable, like it can’t be true. Like the biological father of Jimmy and Jey, who have become like brothers to her, could be the sons of someone so…..vile.

Someone abusive.

Dwayne continues, “he’d calmed down a lot by the time Roman and the twins were born, so they don’t really know much about it. How bad it was, at least.” He then adds over a dark chuckle, “that’s where Jey gets his temper from. His old man.”

Solana has a lot to think on, but she also has many questions, too. Obviously, Rikishi’s behavior hasn’t been a problem for some time. Yes, there was today’s incident, but Solana thinks she knows her husband well enough to know he wouldn’t put up with any bullshit. 

So perhaps today was just a one-off? Fetu was his relative as well, so there’s a good chance his grief is presenting as irritation similar to how Roman’s presented as anger.

And yet…..

There’s this small, nagging part of her that doesn’t believe that. Believes that there’s more at play than what meets the eye.

Is starting to wonder if she now knows who Fetu was talking about when she said she told her brother, Nakoa, not to trust him.

Shaking her head, Solana redirects her focus to the conversation at hand. “Thank you.” Because she’s grateful for this man that she doesn’t know very well but believes to be a good person. Someone who’s good for her husband. “I—I’ll talk to Roman about what happened.” And she will……just sans some details. 

He doesn’t need to know everything. 

It’ll only put more stress on him, and he doesn’t need that.

Dwayne seems unconvinced, but he doesn’t argue. “If that’s what you prefer.”

“It is,” she answers. Switching gears a bit, Solana lowers her voice, sharing, “and thank you for being here…..for him.”

It’s not missed upon her the sad countenance that appears on his handsome face. “Gotta be honest with you, when I got the call, I was shocked. If I had known she was still……” Dwayne sighs and runs his hand over his face. “I understand why he kept it a secret. She….she meant a lot to him.”

More than you could ever know. “I know,” Solana whispers. The realization that Roman should have been back by now causes her to clear her throat. “I should probably go check on him.”

Dwayne nods. “I should probably get going anyway.”

Solana goes to protest, not wanting him to feel uninvited. “Oh no, you don’t—”

“You were right to tell them to leave,” he interrupts, gesturing to the steps. “He does need time.”

Solana says nothing, though feels immensely grateful to have someone who also recognizes that Roman is just a human being who just needs to feel and grieve instead of this machine that can just keep moving like clockwork.

Solana again thanks him for attending and his overall support before seeing him out the door and moving up the steps to check on her husband.

“Ro?” Opening the door to their bedroom, she's partially surprised to find Roman still sitting on the edge of the bed, clothes unchanged outside of the ula fala that lays on the dresser. 

He turns to her as she closes the door behind her and walks over to him. “I just….I need a minute.”

Moving in between his legs, she informs, “it’s okay. They’re gone now.” 

At that, he looks at her with a confused expression. “What do you mean?”

“Dwayne left on his own, but I made Paul and Rikishi leave.” And before he can say anything, she’s explaining, “I understand there’s things you need to get done, get caught up on, but the Bloodline can survive another day without you taking charge.” She sighs and cups his face, reminding him, “today was a lot for you. The least you can do is take the rest of it to just….be.”

She’s partially expecting him to push back, maybe even some irritation for her “speaking” on his behalf only for him to ask, “how did they take it?”

Shit. She wants to lie, feels like it would be an easy short term thing and maybe it would. But, the fact that she’s already keeping this pregnancy from him is more than enough secrecy for her.

“Paul seemed more scared than anything. Rikishi….he didn’t like it, but Dwayne backed me, so it was fine.”

A flash of anger appears in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter if he likes it or not. If you say something, he needs to fucking do it.” And this is what she wanted to avoid. Him getting upset when he doesn’t need to. “I’ll handle it.”

Solana shakes her head. “That’s not important right now.” Because it really isn’t. Especially since she’s already handled it. “Why don’t you change? Lay down. I’ll fix you something to eat. If I start now, I can have it ready by—” 

She’s stopped by Roman reaching her for her, his hands on her waist as he says so quietly, “stay with me.”

It’s such a quiet, little thing, but it’s something he’s wanting.

Something he’s needing. Thus, the answer is obvious.

Solana nods and reaches for the middle of her skirt, hiking it up enough so that she can climb on top of his lap. Roman moves them back on the bed as she lays on top of him, snuggling herself into his chest as he wraps his arms around her, holding her. 

“Thank you,” he says after kissing the top of her head. The vulnerability in his voice is aligned what she’s seen and heard in him off and on all week. “I don’t…..I don’t know if I could have handled with this without you.”

His words cause chills to sprout up her spine. Another thing she can relate to. The loss of her mother was something she once thought she would never recover from, largely because she had to deal with it alone.

But, Roman isn’t alone.

And, he never will be again. 

Holding him a bit tighter, she promises, voice clear and firm, “you’re gonna be okay, Roman."

And, he is.

She’s going to make sure of it. 

[flippyspoon]

Chess Vignettes: #1

(Ficlet- STRANGE NEW WORLDS)

Note: Okay, I think I've found my lil tropey thing wherein I'll likely write a million versions of pretty much the same thing lol. Chess flirting! Let's do this. These will all be stand-alone ficlets- no continuing story per se (probably).

Kirk nodded his head to the music playing in the Port Galley. He missed the ambiance the band had provided, but whoever oversaw the entertainment had put on an endless playlist of recordings for the evening. That could sometimes go awry. In an effort to be equitable, often the playlist was a diverse mix of genres from widely varying eras and cultures. It was a nice idea, but the whiplash of transitioning from a twangy Andorian blues song to an atonal Vulcan theramin ballad to a Terran hip-hop dance number could be…disorienting. Tonight, however, was devoted to Terran music of the 1950s and 60s. It was not played too loud, so he could continue the meandering conversation he had going with his favorite chess partner.

“I like this song.” Kirk rested his chin in his hand, elbow propped on the table, while across from him Spock glared at the chessboard as if willing his game to improve without his having to make a move. Kirk hummed along to the song. “What song is this?” He did not expect Spock to know. But the Vulcan had been so quiet and part of the fun of playing chess with him was usually the conversation.

“‘My Baby Just Cares for Me,’” Spock replied. “Nina Simone. Nineteen fifty-seven.”

Kirk perked up. “Now why do you know that? Not that you shouldn’t.”

“They have played it before. It is a favorite of Ensign Uhura’s. She often requests it.”

“Hmm.” Kirk smiled to himself. “I’ll have to ask her for recommendations. I like listening to old Terran music. I have my own favorites. But there’s so much of it. Then I think I should explore other cultures more often. Doubly overwhelming.”

“You would need several lifetimes to catch up on the cultural contributions of every Federation planet,” Spock said. “Several hundred lifetimes.” He finally made his move, snagging Kirk’s rook and coming perilously close to putting him in check, although the path was so obvious, Kirk would have no trouble avoiding it. That was good. He didn’t want the game to be over.

“Do you like music?” Kirk said.

“I play the Vulcan lute,” Spock said.

Kirk widened his eyes, a note of astonishment caught in his throat. It was difficult to imagine Spock playing a lute. Although, once he put it into his head, it was…not an unattractive thing to imagine.

“Uh, what songs do you play?” Kirk cleared his throat.

“Vulcan songs.” Spock met his gaze over the chessboard. Kirk had not made his move yet. He was pretending not to know what to do next. “Most non-Vulcans who are not also ethnomusicologists do not enjoy them. But…I have also learned to play cover versions of some songs at the request of crew members.”

Kirk had noticed that Spock liked to put on a pretense of disinterest sometimes, or at least that was how he read it.

Then he’d go and throw out chum like this and Kirk was only too happy to take a bite like the hungry little tuna he was. At least he was aware of it. He tried not to look too eager, shifting slightly in his seat and covering the giddy smile on his face with his hand.

“What- uh what songs have you played for the crew?”

“Captain Pike is partial to ‘A Boy Named Sue’ by Johnny Cash.”

Kirk had been taking a sip of his drink and started to choke. He knew the song. His grandfather had been a Johnny Cash fan. The thought of Pike singing ‘A Boy Named Sue’...

“Are you well?” Spock asked.

Kirk nodded, slowly wiping a few drops of Scotch from his lip with two fingers while pretending not to notice that Spock followed the motion with heavy lidded eyes.

“Pike sings?” Kirk said. “I mean, Pike sings when an anomaly is not forcing him to?”

The corner of Spock’s mouth turned up just enough that Kirk considered it a victory. “I do not know if what he does could accurately be described as singing.”

Kirk blurted a laugh, the unexpectedness of the joke making him guffaw right from his gut, a tear coming to his eye. Spock looked away, but Kirk could see it. He was pleased with himself. Kirk saw him breathe in, that almost-smile growing just a tick. 

Another song started and Kirk sighed, pleasantly warmed by nostalgia. He stroked his chin and thought of his mother playing the song–’I Only Have Eyes for You’ by The Flamingos–as she danced around the kitchen, on furlough in Iowa, making cupcakes for Jim and Sam. Jim had not remembered how sultry and haunting the song was. He leaned a little further to one side in his chair, as the chessboard slightly blocked his view of Spock, but glancing away he noticed that people were leaving their seats in the Port Galley in a rush to look out the windows.

The neutron stars, Kirk realized. Pilo and Aero. The Enterprise had been watching them for weeks.

He looked across the table, anticipating that Spock would want to leave the game and watch a significant celestial event.

Spock was staring at Kirk, fixed to his seat.

..But I can’t see… a thing in the sky…

Ortegas walked by them, and thwacked Kirk on the shoulder. “C’mon, guys! Pile and Aero are merging finally! Don’t you wanna see?”

Kirk kept his eyes on Spock. He had a strange stinging feeling in his wrists and his palms were sweating.

I only have eyes for you…

“I’m good,” Kirk murmured, but Ortegas had already passed them by.

The people at the windows oohed and aahed at the merging stars and the music continued to play as Spock and Kirk stared into each other���s eyes for so long, he could not think of what excuse he could possibly make that would not sound nonsensical. 

Do I need one? He wondered.

Spock opened his mouth, and just that slight movement made Kirk inhale, he gripped the arms of his chair.

“Your move,” Spock said.

...Sha bop sha bop..

[autumntouched]

Day 27 of Ode to Phoenix

Summary: Part of the Hannix Football Rivalry AU Series in which Jake is a Cowboys fan (lol like Glen) and Natasha is a 49ers fan (like Monica and me)

Jake and Natasha's Wedding, Pt. III - The Reception

Pairings: Natasha "Phoenix" Trace x Jake "Hangman" Seresin

Warnings: Lots of alcohol, lots of kissing, PG-13 at the end (erections and suggestion of morning sex)

A/N: This fic got really long so I'm posting it in three parts. I'm sorry this took awhile, and I'm a little nervous about it but needed to stop rewriting and get on to your ACTUAL requests. Thank you so much to everyone who submitted song suggestions! As you'll see, I may have gotten a little carried away. Also, clearly some of these songs are homages to Top Gun and TGM. Please don't judge my song picks too harshly. Okay, hope you enjoy!

I'm sharing the full Hannix Wedding Playlist here, but the key songs are also included when they appear in the fic.

The Wedding | Pt. III - The Party

They barely have enough time to grab a few bites before their dances with their parents. Natasha and Jake had heatedly debated their dance playlist and when she agreed to “Buy Dirt,” Jake gave her the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” as the dance floor opener. In no time, she’s surrounded by Gabby, Nora, her other bridesmaids Nina and Kayla, and Jake’s cousin, Fallon. 

As the DJ goes through hits from their middle and high school years, Natasha laughs at Amelia and her girlfriend, Soraya’s, appalled expressions at Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” lyrics. Gabby and Nora wave it off and drag them into the dance line. Alexis rushes out to join her mother and picks up the steps in no time, although Payback looks like he agrees with Amelia and Soraya. Once the younger guests are on the floor, the DJ swings back into the oldies and it’s not long before most of the tables are empty. 

Jake and Natasha are sure to get in a few songs with the children before they have to leave for the night. The girls dance around Jake, each wanting their turn to be held for “Best of My Love.” He gives them all a turn, swinging them up and holding their little hands in his. Natasha smiles to herself as she catches several people eyeing him adoringly or lustily. He has eyes for only her, soft and slightly longing, as he watches her sway Charlie on her hip. Exhausted from the excitement, their ring bearer is curled into her arms, fast asleep, before the end of the song. Jake carries him back to his parents while she and the girls dance to “ABC.” 

It wouldn’t be a Dagger Squad party without tequila. She’s not sure where or when Coyote managed to stash a bottle during the ceremony but one appears. 

Jake touches Natasha’s hip as she dances with the cluster of her high school friends. “May I borrow her a minute?” he asks them, which makes half her friends swoon at his Texas manners and the other half give her the most salacious winks. She rolls her eyes and flashes them both middle fingers. Between her dress and undergarments, Jake can’t do much more than grope.    

“She’s all yours now,” shoos one of her bridesmaids, Nina. 

“Where are we going?” she wants to know in between pausing to acknowledge their friends and family. Unless she is on the dance floor, it has taken her more than thirty minutes to go four feet throughout the night. 

“You’ll see,” he tells her with a secretive smile, managing to keep them moving along for the most part until they escape into the lobby. Jake takes her hand and hurries her through an unmarked door into the back of the coat room before they run into anyone else. It’s not cold enough yet for it to have much use so there is plenty of space for the circle of their friends inside. Bob, Fanboy, Coyote, Rooster, Gabby, Payback, and Nora are already holding shots of tequila. The group opens for them when they duck in, and Bob passes a glass to her while Coyote hands another to Jake. Natasha grins and raises her shot with her Navy family. 

“To the Seresin-Traces!” shouts Coyote. 

They cheer loudly as their friends echo the toast and clink their glasses before throwing back the tequila. “Another one!” Jake calls while the alcohol is still igniting its hot, smooth path to her stomach. 

Coyote pours another round, and they all wait in anticipation. Jake looks down at her, hair slightly disheveled from their enthusiastic dancing, eyes aglow with tequila and devotion. “To my stunning wife, the co-pilot of my life who loves me enough not to murder me when I annoy her, Lieutenant Commander Natasha Elena Seresin-Trace.” 

It’s no longer only the tequila warming her insides when she grins at him so widely it feels like her cheeks will split. He looks immensely proud of himself for yet again catching her by surprise. Their friends salute her then down their tequila on her behalf. The second shot leaves her feeling loose and giddy. He drops a kiss on her cheek. 

Fanboy cups his mouth. “Give us a real one! Give us a real kiss!” Everyone joins in chanting “Kiss! Kiss!” Rooster tucks a giggling Gabby under his arm. 

Natasha crooks her finger for Jake to lean down to her but instead of going for his mouth when he does, she brushes his feathery, blond locks back into place. At that, the chant turns to hoots and whistles. They’re almost nose to nose when her eyes fall back to his, and hopefully none of their friends can see that he’s looking at her like he’d rather she was destroying his hair than fixing it at the moment. Their kiss is tequila laced, slippery but heated with alcohol and delayed desire. Jake’s thumb glides along the underside of her breast, and she bows her hips into his.

Coyote, Fanboy, and Nora start singing, “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.”

“Whoa, okay!” Gabby protests. “No, please leave her clothes on!”

“So this is where you two got lost.” 

Jake’s lips and hands freeze at the sound of his mother’s voice. The room is suddenly very quiet, all of them stunned like caught children. Natasha peeks around Jake’s shoulder at her mother-in-law, in a beautiful crimson and gold jacquard dress, who stands in the doorway between the closet and waiting room with hands on her hips. 

“Mrs. Seresin, ma’am, I can explain,” Coyote tries valiantly when she holds her french manicured hand out for the tequila. 

“I think that’s plenty for now, Javy.” He relinquishes the bottle. She tucks it into her side then sweeps her blue-gray gaze over all of them. “These two have a long night ahead of ‘em, so let’s not end it too quickly. I can let you have it back when I’m sure they’re not part of any more rounds.”

“Mom,” Jake rolls his eyes. “We’re not six. You can give it back. We’ll behave.”

Sandy looks at Natasha for her confirmation, and she nods along with Jake’s promise. “No more tequila. And we’d better get back out there.” Her eyes meet her husband’s then skitter away before they start laughing. 

Realizing his mother won’t let Coyote have the bottle back until they leave, Jake and Natasha edge past her contritely. They wave to their friends and, finally bursting into laughter, hurry back to the dance floor in time for “Gasolina.” She can’t resist admiring how the back to back shots loosen Jake’s hips even more. He must feel the same about hers because by the end of the song, she’s tucked into the curve of his body with his arm wrapped around her stomach. 

Both of them want their reception to set a record for most fun anyone’s had at a wedding. Jake doesn’t leave Derek alone until he asks Kayla to dance. When Rooster allows Zach exactly one dance with Gabby before he swoops in, Natasha introduces him to one of her cousins who is much closer to his age anyway. Amelia and Soraya also find their way to the younger adult guests, and from the group’s growing exuberance and laughter, she suspects one of the Dagger Squad members passed along the tequila. Jake and Natasha jump into the photo booth as much as they can to be part of people’s memories from the night. 

When Lise hands Natasha the mic for the bouquet toss, the DJ asks everyone to clear the dance floor. Natasha waves Sebastian and Luca up with a chair then looks around for Jake. He frowns in confusion when she asks him to come up, but he struts forward to take the seat she’s pointing to. 

“For the civilians in the audience, this is a Navy tradition,” she announces. Understanding then amusement dawns on her husband’s face. “Jake thinks I talked him out of it because it’s usually sung to a civilian bride and yours truly is also a Navy aviator. Which is partially true. But then I thought, why not let me keep tradition?”

There are whoops and claps from those who know where this is going.

Jake laughs when she’s flanked by Coyote, Maverick, and the rest of the Dagger Squad still in their dress whites to back her up singing, “You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.”

He allows her a few lines of “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’” before he tugs her into his lap so that they end up singing to one another along with their friends. Already fairly drunk, she finds it hard to keep track of the lyrics with the heat that radiates off him and the glitter of mischief in his green eyes. Eventually she gives up and lets herself stare at his lips, swollen from all the kissing they’ve already done, while he and the guys sing the rest of the song to her. 

“I should probably get some water after this,” she giggles when he and Bob have to help set her back on her feet. 

Jake puts an arm around her and walks her to the edge of the dance floor. “Let’s get you some before you wind up for that toss, babe.” And almost like magic, a glass is passed into his hand. They share the water, Jake holding a napkin under her chin so she doesn’t wet her dress. 

“Better?” he asks after they’ve had a second glass.

“Better,” she promises, smiling up at him gratefully. He tucks away a stray strand of her hair and gives her a hand up onto the music stage. 

She takes the toss bouquet from Lise as the DJ cues “You Can’t Hurry Love” and calls all the unmarried women to the dance floor. There’s laughter when some of the guys join the crowd, including Fanboy and Derek who’s flirtatiously trying to edge out Kayla. 

Natasha gives them a moment to prepare before she arcs the bouquet behind her. She turns in time to see Gabby remind everyone that she played volleyball as, barefoot, she explodes from the corner of the group into the air to grab the flowers before they reach the other outstretched hands. Only Amelia, perched on Soraya’s shoulders, comes close to catching it. Gabby lands gracefully despite the length of her dress. Their sister-in-laws, Sofia and Alicia, rush her eagerly. Jake and Luca clap a bright red Rooster on the shoulders as Gabby triumphantly holds up her prize. 

As soon as she steps off the stage, Natasha’s college friends swarm her after requesting their freshman year pregame song “Paper Planes.” Nina makes sure she eats at least two of the several rolls that she saved from dinner. Jake leaves to change out of his dress whites for the rest of the night. When Gloria Estafan and the Miami Sound Machine’s “Conga” comes on, her dad and Luca sweep her into the salsa, stretching her very rusty skills. She’s grateful when they’re able to slow down to Santana’s “Oye Como Va.”

Before she can catch her breath, “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk'' comes on and Sandy and Jack tug her into the line dance. Natasha has to remind herself of the steps to keep up with the kicks and turns so it’s not until she looks around for Fallon and Zach, or even Nora, and notices they’re all missing. 

Just as she realizes that a significant portion of the bride and groom’s parties have disappeared, “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)” parts the dance floor. At the laughter from the fringes of the crowd, Natasha turns toward the entrance of the hall in time to see Jake swagger in ahead of Bob, Coyote, Fanboy, Rooster, Zach, and Derek. They’re dressed in cowboy hats and boots, no jackets, with their sleeves rolled up to their elbows. Although all of them are hot as hell in their new outfits (they really do have some good looking friends) as they kick ball change toward her across the room, she struggles to look away from her husband’s cocky smirk and low buttoned shirt. Natasha is far from the only one to scream and clap her appreciation. 

There’s more cheering when Fallon, Nora, Gabby, Nina, and Kayla follow them through the doors wearing cowboy boots with knotted crop top blouses and jean shorts. The noise only gets louder when they start raining fake money on “passing out hundred dollar bills” before everyone steps out to swing their hips. 

The women skip up to the guys, all of them pairing off except Jake. Like the others, Fallon box steps around Bob as he sways his hips, hand on hat. Whistles split through the music, and the DJ has to turn up the song for it to be heard over the excited commotion of their audience. Rooster smoothly spins Gabby behind him, through his arms, and around front before swinging her onto his back. Carrying the women piggyback, the guys gallop through the tables, Jake grinning at her hands covering her open mouthed shock. On “save a horse, ride a cowboy,” the women remove the guys’ hats and wave them in the air. 

When Jake reaches her, he hovers over her as he props his cowboy hat on her head before scooping her into his arms. 

“Are you serious?” she laughs as he carries her toward the head table. Everyone claps along to the music and follows behind them. 

“You asked for your cowboy to take you away. Here I am,” he tells her. She can’t deny it nor the alluring flush of exertion spread down his neck and across his exposed chest. Holding onto his hat so she doesn’t lose it, Natasha stretches up to kiss the hinge of his jaw. She’s not sure how Jake manages to capture her lips without slowing his pace, but that’s only another reason she thinks he’s one of the most amazing men she’s ever known. 

Jake’s family considers the garter removal and toss tradition, but Natasha hadn’t been keen for the senior officers to see her with her husband up her skirt. The compromise is removing the garter behind the screen of the head table. With their friends dancing along, she doesn’t have to be the center of attention. 

At the guitar solo, he sets her down in her dinner chair and gets down on his knees in front of her. Biting back an eager grin, Jake dips under the layers of her dress. Unable to resist, he caresses her calf and brushes his lips along her knee and inner thigh on his way up her leg. 

Natasha can’t help the gasp that falls from her lips or the shiver along her spine when his teeth graze her skin as they close around the garter. Grateful that his cowboy hat obscures her face, she leans forward over his head as he expertly slides the garter off. He’s practiced removing it on several occasions before, although thankfully this time he does so without slipping his fingers between her legs. 

On “sang her every Willie Nelson song I could think of and we made love,” Jake pops out of her dress. Cheeks ruddy and eyes dark, he steals another kiss and waves the lacy garment in the air for everyone to see, raising a loud round of cheers. He puts the garter between his teeth and helps her onto his back, dress hiked up, so they can join the line of their friends for the final chorus of “Save a horse, ride a cowboy.” Singing along with her arm wrapped across his chest, Natasha waves his cowboy hat in the air as he spins them. 

She rides Jake’s back to the music stage for the garter toss. While Zach and Gabby help her down without her dress riding up, the DJ clears all but the single men from the dance floor. Returning the favor after the bouquet toss, several women also jump in, this time with Kayla wrapped around Derek. Natasha’s fairly sure they aren’t going to get through the night without making out, if they haven’t already.

The garter toss song, “Gold,” starts up while their friends playfully shove one another out the way in anticipation of the toss. 

Natasha stands aside for Jake to throw away her garter. He grins at her then launches it over his shoulder. This time, it’s Bob who manages to get enough vertical height to snatch it out of the air. There’s a shout, and Fanboy rushes him for a deep kiss that leaves Bob bright red and a little dazed when he waves the lace over his head. 

Looking a little surprised at himself, he accepts the congratulatory back slaps, hair ruffles, and shoulder punches from his competition. To Natasha’s embarrassment, and everyone else’s approving amusement, he slides her garter over his hair as a headband. 

Jake laughs and swings her down, still in his cowboy hat, to the dance floor as it fills again. She beelines for Bob to try to convince him to take her garter off his head, but Fanboy intercepts her arm and slings it over his shoulders. Bob takes her other one and they shimmy back and forth with her between them until she’s laughing too hard to worry about her friend’s headwear. 

Payback seems to be enjoying Nora’s costume change, the two of them grinding to the music. Alexis and the other children have long since been sent back to the hotel, accompanied by a babysitter and one of Natasha’s pregnant cousins. 

Rooster and Gabby dance just as closely, her jean clad hips held firmly in his hands, his hat on her head. Coyote’s plus one, Gina, also seems to be a fan of the cowboy attire with her fingers hooked through his belt loops. While Natasha dances with their friends, Jake pulls two of his younger cousins onto the floor and spins them. 

As she suspected, Derek and Kayla soon sneak out onto the terrace. Amelia and Soraya don’t bother with discretion, making out in a corner of the dance floor until Penny ushers them off. Hopefully, Maverick doesn’t trace the heavily intoxicated young adults back to Coyote. 

With the garter toss behind her, Natasha can change out of her wedding dress. Mama and Gabby accompany her to the suite where she and Jake had dinner to help her. With relief, Natasha finally has a chance to use the bathroom and freshen up before pulling on her wide-leg, one-shoulder white jumpsuit. Like her dress, the outfit has an understated elegance, adorned only with a draped bow over the shoulder strap and front pleats. Some, but not all, of her bridesmaids return in their green gowns.

The jumpsuit is much easier to dance the night away in, and Jake seems to like it as much if not more than her dress. He keeps sliding his hands into the pockets to touch her thighs and tease their crease, enjoying the way it makes her turn her head into his chest with a sharp intake of breath.

It’s her sword they use to cut the cake. As Nat King Cole’s “L-O-V-E” plays, Jake stands behind her and wraps his hands around hers on the hilt. She can feel his smile against her cheek. ��Don’t miss!” he keeps whispering in her ear every time she tries to slice the cake until she’s giggling so hard, Natasha worries she might actually miss. As it is, their cut isn’t as clean as she’d like. He doesn’t smash the cake into her face, something she warned him would have dire consequences so help her it didn’t matter that they were married. Instead, he sweetly takes a forkful and feeds it to her, cupping his hand under her chin so none of it spills down her clothes. 

What he does do, though, is take his bite then immediately kiss her so that she gets a mouthful of cake and frosting mixed with his tongue. Natasha reaches up to cup his neck and leans into her husband’s irresistible immaturity. 

They spend the last songs of the evening saying goodnight and thank you to everyone who won’t be joining them at the after party, which is pretty much anyone older than they are to spare their careers. Maverick and Penny hug them hard and promise to see them at the late lunch the next day. Jake’s Naval Academy sponsor and his wife tell them how much they enjoyed getting to know their family. Warlock and his wife compliment them on a beautiful ceremony and fun night. 

When “I’ve Had The Time of My Life” comes on to close the reception, the guests cluster around them clapping along to their last dance. Always ready to please a crowd, Jake lifts Natasha into the air. Not everyone knows the years she spent doing ballet so there are gasps of awe and excited surprise when she’s able to hold herself up before he lowers her into his arms. They sway with the other couples still on the dance floor until the music fades and the lights dim. 

One final song, “My Life Would Suck Without You,” plays them out the venue and to their waiting limo through an arch of sparklers formed by their guests. They wave from the open window until the line of light disappears behind them. Buses will take the younger guests to a bar closer to their hotel for the after party.  

As soon as he can, Jake pulls Natasha into his arms, his lips crashing into hers as his hands roam over all the places he’s wanted to touch but could only look at throughout the night. A strangled noise escapes his throat when he realizes that her jumpsuit can’t accommodate a bra, and he takes full advantage. It’s a good thing they’re done with professional pictures for the night because her hair is a wreckage of its bun by the time they’re delivered to their destination. Before they get out, Jake has to help her pick the bobby pins out of her curls so she can untangle and let them down. 

They’re fully able to let loose at the after party, the bottle of tequila, now almost empty, making a second uninterrupted appearance for the Dagger Squad. There’s another dance floor, this one far more risque than the one they left behind. Payback is finally drunk enough to follow whatever Nora does. Amelia and Soraya clear half of the floor with their dance to Janelle Monae’s “Make Me Feel,” a wild blend of rehearsed choreography and drunk inspiration.

Natasha’s not sure how long Jake has her pressed up against the bathroom door, her arms stretched above her head with his tongue down her throat and hand down her jumpsuit, but by the time they get back to the party Coyote, Rooster, and Fanboy are doing their best Magic Mike impressions for Gina, Gabby, and Bob (who is still wearing her garter as a headband.) Natasha sips water and watches from Jake’s lap, his face buried in her shoulder and his breath hot on her skin while he calms his hard-on from their bathroom escapade interrupted by people too drunk to hold their bladder. 

It’s the early hours of the morning when she curls into his side on their ride back to the hotel. They’re both drifting off when the driver opens the door for them. She packed lingerie in his favorite color for their wedding night, but she’s too tired to do more than scrub off her makeup and brush her teeth. He unzips her jumpsuit for her and carries her to bed naked. Jake’s shoulder is the only pillow Natasha remembers before she wakes up sprawled across her husband, the hand with her rings entwined with his and the ridge of his wedding band cool and solid on her back while his heart beat echoes in her ear.

She looks up to find him watching her, lying as still as possible so he didn’t disturb her sleep. He disentangles their hands to brush the nest of her hair out her eyes. “Good morning, Lieutenant Commander Seresin-Trace,” he murmurs, eyes glowing at her new name. 

Dazed with sleep and happiness, she rests her chin on his pecs. “Mmm, good morning, Commander Seresin-Trace.” She presses a kiss to his heated skin. “I wish we could do it all over again,” she mumbles. 

Jake pulls her up his chest. “That was the best day and night of my life, Nat, but I don’t think I’m going to mind the honeymoon.” 

Somewhat nonsensically, she realizes, “But I’m not wearing honeymoon clothes.” She’s not wearing any clothes, for that matter. And from his slick hardness against her leg, neither is he. 

He rolls her beneath him, and Natasha thinks with drowsy contentment as she stares up at the soft glow on his handsome face and disheveled blonde hair that she never wants to leave this cocoon of his heat and love. “Even better,” he says, his wedding band catching the light as he cradles her cheek to kiss her still slightly swollen lips.

Part I | Part II

Ode to Phoenix Masterlist

Hannix Football Rivalry Series AU

Tag List: @melodiousoblivionao3

[deadchannelradio]

song meme

tagged by @cairoscene !!!! tank yew. Also Sorry because its bad in that playlist

shuffle your on repeat playlist and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people

Big Boy by Payday - this song itches me in my brain idk i stopped listening to it for a couple months and now shes back like a rash

Rose Royce! By Angel Haze - every day im really disappointed by the lack of people in my life who listen to angel haze this song is really good ok

Alter Ego by Doechii - i just like her

AMPHETAMINE MAN by Francesca Welxer - if youre noticing a pattern of gay/bi rappers youve clocked all of my issues.

ouroboros (demo) by second spring - now this is a crazy song . I wish i could copy paste the entirety of the lyrics here i think everyone should at least read them if not listen to the whole song just once. Poetry for real. Also ive been mainlining several of my dick grayson playlists. And i can never blame nobody i can only blame myself I mustve done it in a past life mustve hurt somebody else…

by kim petras. Idk it feels like my brain is getting a backscratch I actually have a few technoesque/edm songs on here rn i think my bosses are rubbing off on me. I did already listen to it but this is an uptick

Dollar Bill Bar by Sierra Ferrell - one time a few years ago i mixed her name and Chappell Roan’s and almost recommended my dad chappell roan instead of her like very nearly sent the text. shes my homegirl though

The view between villages (extended) by noah kahan - 1) im from new england. 2) jason song

Suzanne by Nina Simone - i dont have a reason here its nina….

Little black star by hurray for the riff raff - WELL MY BABYYYY SHES LIKE A LITTLE BLACK STARRRR shes just like her daddyyy way yonder far… im gonna tell my JESUSSSS about my little black star ….

oh god what ten people do i know. @rainelinde @foxbirdy @figsandphiltatos @girlbr0thers @lastweekseyeliner @meteortrails @cryhounds thats it im out of people sorry. If you see this im tagging you though

[nebulousfishgills]

OC x Canon Asks for Emily and... y'know what, Emily and whoever the hell you want!

3, 6, 7, 9, 11, 15, and 20 please!

...you don't know the power you've just given me bestie. You already know I'm gonna milk this ask for everything it has.

So you're getting both hypothetical sets of answers to these questions. Prepare for shitposts and shoddy edits.

God why do I sound like the fucking Bridgekeeper from Monty Python.

Emily and Henry

3 - What would their song to the other be?

Henry to Emily, you know it's "Dream a Little Dream of Me." It's a song Henry grew up listening to and nine times out of ten it's playing on the radio in his fantasies and dreams of them having better lives away from Hawkins Lab. You literally can't beat the visual of them just slowdancing in the Creel House while this song plays in that alternate reality where they were happy and 'normal.' Or, even better, Emily dancing with Vecna in the Upside-Down while the song plays.

Emily's relationship with music is unfortunately limited. But since she learns more about music in the 80s, that's mostly what she listens to. If I had to pick, it'd probably be "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson. Her favorite feature of Henry is his eyes, probably indicated in my playlist for her with songs talking about eyes. In every reality when they meet, his eyes are the first thing she notices. If you google the lyrics and imagine they're from Emily's perspective, it makes complete sense.

6 - What small quirks do they love about each other?

I forgot to mention this in a previous ask about ways to calm the other down, but Henry tends to fidget and play with Emily's fingers when he's nervous or worried. I think it's something Emily thinks is extremely cute and heartwarming to a certain degree. I think this extends to the idea that Henry always takes extreme care with her as opposed to the harsh treatment they experience otherwise.

This one may be born of that fear of Brenner and needing to be presentable, but clearly Henry takes great care of his hair and I think Emily loves how he always curls the front of it, it gives him a very almost boy-ish demeanor. When they get the chance to be alone I think Emily likes to flick it. And then she musses it up to comb it back with her fingers a-la the contrast between Nina Project Henry and Massacre at Hawkins Lab Henry since it's one of several of their private moments of rebelliousness.

Honestly to a certain degree I think every small thing Emily does is something Henry loves. The way she runs her tongue over her canines when she's thinking, the way she tries to make her curly hair somewhat presentable but it always ends up a little unruly, and how easily she flushes.

His favorite, though, is when Emily's just unapologetically herself in the best and worst ways. This moreso comes post-banishment where they have more autonomy, but Emily seems to enjoy going to the surface world to do the little things that bring her joy. Does Henry really understand Dungeons and Dragons, no but he likes hearing Emily talk about sessions and the latest bullshit she tried. She gets her tattoos and Henry thinks it's just the cutest thing that she likes expressing herself in this way that's an incredibly subtle nod to him and their pasts.

7 - Who makes the other laugh more?

Okay, here's an answer: Emily says and does more funny things, but she's the one who laughs more. I think their senses of humor are a bit different since I can think of several things that would make Emily laugh off the top of my head, but not so much for Henry. But other than the screams and wails of the damned, I think Henry's laugh is one of Emily's favorite sounds since they both had incredibly shit lives and it makes her happy to see him find something funny to bring him some kind of joy.

I think Henry has more of a dry sense of humor and is perfect with comedically timed deadpans and sarcastic comments, but only around Emily. I see it as something like "the real Henry" showing through the stonefaced front he puts up with everyone else. Maybe it comes from that desire he has to make her happy since it's one of his greatest wishes to be able to see her smile.

Henry's humor is based on timing for quips and Emily is the kind of person who laughs at boob jokes, basically... Eddie's her best friend, he absolutely makes lewd jokes all the time.

9 - How did they know they were right for each other?

I see this will be an interesting question to answer for my second go-around.....

My default answer usually boils down to trauma bonding and that mutual desire to reshape the world, but that could also be the answer for siblings or business partners.

I think it's a combination of things. First, to them there's simply nobody else they feel is right for them. They feel like they're honest to god soulmates and, in essence, they were forged and created for each other both to complete their mission, but also for that companionship. Each other's perfect companion...

...We're not gonna address the elephant in the room yet.

Another facet I think that plays into it is something they realized right around when they first got together officially. Maybe the same night they had their first kiss, even, but at the end of the day, they have this almost innate desire to make each other happy, to support each other, to comfort each other, etc. Seeing the other hurt is devastating, seeing the other happy is uplifting.

Really, I think they just... knew. Being together just felt like the most natural thing for them and the love they have for each other is one of the very few things in their lives that they really, truly cherish.

11 - Who gets adorable when they're sleepy, and who gets grumpy and irritable?

Again, here's a bit of a strange answer: usually they both get grumpy when they're tired, but they both think the other being grumpy is adorable. Neither of them are gonna turn into sleepy, rubbing eyes, yawning angels when their tired, not by a long shot.

Emily's already thin filter becomes non-existent so if it's late and she still has work to do in the lab, she will be swearing and ranting the entire time. Her nose scrunches and she has this deep set scowl on her face that Henry just can't help but think is just the most adorable thing.

Likewise, Henry's temper gets much shorter when he's tired which either manifests into just ignoring people trying to talk to him or looking at people with that expression on his face:

And I think Emily finds it funny how he's usually so softspoken with this Friendly Orderly persona he's adopted, but when he's tired or irritated his more natural self pokes through. That side of him that's never directed at her but is at the lesser humans they're forced to surround themselves with. Besides, why do they need something so human and inconvenient as sleep? Aren't they above becoming tired?

Nope.

And for the record, when they get the rare chance to sleep in the same room in the same bed they like to snuggle close with each other and they both think the other's sleeping face is cute.

If Henry finds Emily asleep, usually she's either curled up in the fetal position under her sheets like a child with her hair sticking out everywhere in a curly auburn lump or she's completely splayed out. One's more adorable than the other since a splayed out Emily involves snores, twitches, and drooling. Henry sleeps on his side or his stomach, but if he's alone that night he hugs a towel instead of a pillow since he only has the one for his head, pretending it's her.

When alone, Emily wakes up looking like an angry Merida and Henry's hair is sticking in every direction and his eye bags are the absolute worst... but they sleep better and wake up better when they're with each other, which reduces later grumpyness.

15 - Who has a hobby only the other knows about?

Can I say murder? Since that's something only both of them know about for a while?

No, but in all seriousness... I don't know if it's really a "hobby" per se, but I like to headcanon that Henry has a proficiency when it comes to doing someone's hair. Braiding in particular and I think it's just something he picked up from his sister. He'd never let anyone know about it, the all powerful and intimidating Vecna, ruler of the Upside Down... likes to braid his girlfriend's hair.

It's a methodical movement that just helps calm himself down while also keeping Emily's hair tamed. And we all know Emily's thing is that she likes it when someone plays with her hair.

Please, I just want you to visualize Vecna with his mismatched hands and grotesque appearance sitting behind Emily on their bed while he braids and then unbraids her hair, repeat ad infinitum.

20 - Who infodumps and who listens with heart eyes?

I feel like this is a bit obvious, but clearly Henry knows a lot about spiders. Emily doesn't like them, but she'll listen to Henry talk about them for hours. He was demonized for his fascination with them and Emily's not gonna be someone to add to that. Do spiders give her the willies, yes. Will she fall asleep on Henry's chest as he lulls her to sleep with as many silly little facts as he can remember? Absolutely.

I feel like, again as I said previously, Henry also likes hearing Emily talk about her Dungeons and Dragons sessions since it's something she clearly finds joy in despite the less than honest intentions she has.

Although, let's be honest, everything they do makes the other go heart eyes. Henry literally had an Anakin Order 66 Younglings moment and Emily genuinely saw this as Peak Rizz. Emily could literally disembowel someone with her bare hands and Henry's gonna be seeing rose petals and cheap heart filters.

***

Anyways, let's move on!

Emily and Caius

(Thank you Deadline Magazine for the new HotD cast photoshoot, it's perfect for a fresh off the burner edit 🙏🙏)

3 - What would their song to the other be?

...Again, see, it's hard because I don't see either of them having the greatest taste in music that's good for this question. I should be able to answer it so easily since I have a playlist for them lmao.

Okay, here's my halfway cop-out answer: obviously Caius likes sharing things from his homeland with Emily, and I think he'd teach her songs from that time in his life. I kind of skitter around names and the like but I made this hypothetical homeland into Old Valyria from A Song of Ice and Fire, just turning it into a long forgotten Greek island. In House of the Dragon, Daemon sings this to the dragons in their little dragon pit and it's just... so, so thematically appropriate:

Because Caius does see Emily as this powerful and even otherworldly being, especially with the spitfire personality to boot. It's recited like a lullaby and even if they don't sleep, the sentiment is there.

Again, Emily's relationship with music is strained so it's hard to pick any one specific song she'd "assign" to Caius... that and love songs outside of Disney are just not something I'm familiar with.

You know what, to be funny, I'll say in the 90s she hears "Beauty and the Beast" and likes how they can both be The Beauty and they can both be The Beast. I'll go with that.

6 - What small quirks do they love about each other?

Again, an easy and kind of cliche answer, but Caius loves all of Emily's little 'human' quirks that carried over after she changed. Her nose scrunch when she's annoyed, her smirks, the aforementioned tongue on her canines when she's thinking. Also her general restlessness. Emily's always moving, always doing something and vampires usually find comfort in stillness. She does, too, but the majority of the time Emily's never gonna be still for very long.

In tandem, I think Emily finds Caius'... we'll call it enthusiasm endearing. That, and while it's usually played off as a joke, Caius' fascination with fire takes on a new meaning when you understand that fire is really the only thing that can truly harm vampires. It's actually a loose yet interesting parallel on Emily's feeling about the Upside Down once upon a time: finding beauty in something so destructive.

Kind of like them, really.

7 - Who makes the other laugh more?

Emily makes Caius laugh more. She kind of adopts Henry's more deadpan sense of humor while combining it with her own lewd sense of humor. She can call Aro a moron in quips he doesn't understand yet she and Caius do and she can tell Caius to, quote, "cover his tits" for the sake of a modesty neither of them care about. Both of these are things Caius laughs at.

Again, I think it partially comes from the vastly different times they come from that have similarities that trancend time. The Ancient Greeks made jokes about taking it up the ass, Shakespeare genuinely made Your Mom jokes, and so much more. I think Caius has an appreciation for Emily's lewd humor in a way that Henry didn't for any number of reasons. Plus, Emily's a woman of her era and people in the 40s-50s etc just weren't as brash as she is.

It's really a combination of things, Emily's just better at quipping. To most vampires, Caius is the angry, no-nonsense arbiter of justice, but behind closed doors he and Emily are making constant sex jokes and other inappropriate things.

9 - How did they know they were right for each other?

...oh boy, isn't this the question of the hour?

I mean, it's such a complex question with all the context. I can't exactly hide completely behind the "Mating Bond" excuse even if that's a good portion of the reason why. Again, I think it's a vast combination of things. The general compatability, the filling of holes neither of them realized they had, all that.

It's very hard to go into specifics beyond that without doing an extreme deconstruction. Normally I might but... dude it's currently about 2:25 as I'm writing this answer.

In a simplified answer, Emily saw someone who a) seemed completely enamored with her who seemed like he would always put her first, b) gave her a large family that she didn't realize she'd been silently longing for, and c) matched her chaotic energy since Henry was by far the calmer one between them.

When he first saw Emily, Caius saw a woman who had a very strong personality that he instantly felt like he clicked with. It's a little talked about yet very important scene, but I don't think Caius was expecting for Emily to seek him out for sex that night, which then came with the realization that they felt this innate trust in each other that quickly bloomed into something even further.

It was a vast amount of things that happened that led to the realization, really.

11 - Who gets adorable when they're sleepy, and who gets grumpy and irritable?

...so they don't sleep.

But for the sake of the question, let's have a little fun. Again, I feel like the same rules apply. Emily gets grumpy when she's tired and Caius finds her fatigued irritation to be the strangely cutest thing. She gets snippy and then very aggressively just wants to be close with him. I call it Angst Cuddles since just calling it cuddles seems incorrect for these two.

Caius' default setting is Angy, so if he got tired you bet the same thing would happen. I see him getting more sluggish when he's tired, dragging his feet to his and Emily's room before just picking up Emily from whatever she was doing and just holding her in bed for those Angst Cuddles he's forcibly giving her. Not that she minds of course.

15 - Who has a hobby only the other knows about?

I don't know how easily secret hobbies could be hidden given the circumstances of somebody knowing everything about everyone's memories.

I think everyone at least knows of Caius' painting hobby, but I feel like the exact range is something only Emily can attest to. People probably would think Caius paints scenes of war and portraits when he feels so inclined, but maybe not serene landscapes.

Likewise, I think Emily's little drawing hobby is only expanded. I think she likes drawing the people around her without them really knowing. So she has sketchbooks and spare papers around with candid sketches of Jane or Felix for example just around doing their things. I think it's another thing of hers that Caius finds cute. Emily's someone who likes to appreciate moments in time and capture them. Even if she has perfect recall, I think she partially sketches these moments to share them with Caius. It helps him appreciate her outlook on life and in a sense how much she really actually cares about those in the coven to the point that she'd choose to save their split second moments in her sketches.

20 - Who infodumps and who listens with heart eyes?

Caius loves to just tell Emily about history and she's always an eager listener. Emily wants to know more about the world she was largely locked away from her entire life and hearing Caius talk about history satiates that need.

Though, of course, it's Emily so sometimes she's not paying as much attention to what Caius is saying compared to paying attention to him specifically. She just holds a lot of love for him and sometimes that manifests in Emily tuning everything out to just look at and admire him. Usually I think it'd bother Caius that she wasn't paying attention to what she was supposed to, but it comes with satisfaction in knowing that she has that affection for him. It makes him feel lucky to have her.

***

...you said to not apologize so I'm not gonna, but I'm gonna instead apologize to my tomorrow self when I bitch about being too tired for work.

Anyways, always happy to answer these questions! It gives me a lot of joy to just talk about my characters and writing.

[imnothinginparticular]

#finishedbooks The Three Penny Opera by Bertolt Brecht. Was happy to find this at my favorite book store in mitaka for a mere 300 yen. I have read Brecht on Brecht, several theories on his plays, even his house of un-American activities statement, to enjoying the jazz standard 'Mack the Knife' and Nina Simone's beautifully tortured live rendition of 'Pirate Jenny' from the play (will get into later)...but never what is often considered his most known play here. Which makes sense, I really enjoy breaking things down on layers to understand why they are great in search of something (I perhaps will never find) and Brecht's dialectical theatre offers so much through his philosophical aesthetics: alienation, Epic Theatre, gestus, 4th wall, mimesis, empathy, illusion, psychological dissonance, etc. With that the story is rather straightforward as it has become an archetype. It is about the rise and fall of an underworld figure known as Mac the Knife (for his use of the weapon) who decides rather matter of factly to marry above his class, is betrayed, caught, and awaits death before a Brechtian device intervenes. What becomes special are the details: the moral dilemmas, the challenges to the audience empathy, the introduction of jazz into theatre, and the Epic Theatre acting requirements. But think from here I will go into just the enduring power of what it all comes to and really the specific reason why I wanted to read THIS play. I always loved Nina Simone and I remember hearing a bonus track on that Hi-Tek Reflection Eternal album called "Four Women" inspired by her in high school. I searched my dad's cds and he had a greatest hits Simone album and I absorbed it. I have always been an album person (don't like playlists) as I want to hear the artist's statement...that is what an album should be. During tbe pandemic I was like let me just spend days with each Nina Simone record on repeat and it was her 'In Concert' album that just had a huge effect on me. As far as live albums go...off the top I mean that Parker record where he played with a plastic saxophone, Cash's prison record, James Brown at the Apollo, Cobain's unplugged, Cooke at the Harlem Square, Jarret's Köln Concert...I think Simone's is my favorite, just the sustained intensity she plays simultaneously attacking and humoring the very timid Carnegie Hall audience at the height of civil rights. So what she did with Pirate Jenny was just add an adjective a single adjective and it changed the whole context of the song...both a testament to Brecht's universality and Simone's ingenuity. But in just saying crummy "southern" town that song becomes the most sinister piece of music I have ever heard about black revenge. Glad I finally got the complete context with the Three Penny Opera which all relates because US systemic racism is economic at its base as was the preoccupation with Brecht's play.

[cherry-interlude]

Lana Del Rey Album Songs Ranking (Remade)

It’s been a few years since I ranked all of Lana’s (album) songs so I wanted to do it again. This is all my OPINION, which I’m sure some people might disagree with, but you don’t have to agree with it. This is also a very long post.

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

This cover song is just a little too drab and uninteresting to me, and I never listen to it. After the brilliant, sprawling, sexy, heart-breaking tracks on Honeymoon, this feels like a tacked-on track just to plump up the album. It feels simply like a cover.

For Free

Though this is a well-made song, with three brilliant women owning the track, it again just feels like a cover. It fits in well with Chemtrails, but by the time I get to this song I’ve had my fill.

Breaking Up Slowly

It just feels repetitive and simple, something only to have on in the background while my attention is diverted. It’s a good song and a nice attempt at bringing Lana’s country music in, but it does little to keep me interested.

God Knows I Tried

This song is filler. Jammed between the jazzy softness of Terrence Loves You and the pop favourite High By The Beach, this track just feels like it was sort of shoved in. It doesn’t even feel completely right on Honeymoon, instead a throwaway song that bridges Ultraviolence and Honeymoon whilst not fitting in with either album.

24

Though perfect for the credits of a Hollywood movie, 24 has plenty of flair but nothing of substance. The lyrics aren’t as imaginative as most of Lana’s music and I’m not surprised this song found itself near the end of the album.

Lucky Ones

Personally, this song irritates me. It's sickly in its lyrics, sugary in the romance and classic Lana tropes of dangerous men and Lana starstruck by them no matter if they’re ‘careless cons and crazy liars’. The little flair of the verses and the overtly sweet chorus really irks me, especially following the brilliance that is Lana’s first ‘Del Rey’ album.

Coachella

It is a rushed track, sounding completely unfinished and hurried with an unconvincing track beat. Polished, it would be brilliant – but it sounds like Lana thought of the song (which sounds promising in the video where she sits in the forest and sings) and had to force it to ‘fit in’ with the trap-pop tracks on Lust For Life. The lyrics are thoughtful, if not cliché, but it could have been done better.

This Is What Makes Us Girls

It just doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe because I can’t connect to the lyrics in any way, I just don’t feel anything when I hear this song and choose to skip it. That being said, the demos are pretty fun.

God Bless America

As much as it’s a song honouring women during a period of time when feminism was being shaken, it doesn’t quite feel like Lana’s heart is in it. The patriotism is uneasy considering she was removing herself from the American flag and its associations, and the anthemic feel never lifts. It’s a sweet song, but never goes deeper than surface level.

Religion

Though fairly sexy and haunting – her unshaken faith to her man, her drawling voice – this delicate track is too simple and sombre for me to get completely into it. I always want to skip and get to my favourites.

In My Feelings

It’s great Lana has a bad-girl, bad-bitch, fuck-you pop track but this, like Coachella, feels unfinished. It has the vibe of work in progress, and the vocals are still messy (surely intentionally, though it doesn’t always come across that way) as well as trying slightly too hard. It doesn’t compare to Fucked My Way Up To The Top.

Beautiful People Beautiful Problems

The verses don’t match up to the choruses and I feel nothing – not empowered or emotional – when listening to this song, but it is a beautiful duet between Lana and Stevie. Their voices really are divine together and though I don’t listen to this song much, the demos are even better.

Change

Mostly because it freaks me out, this is a song I don’t often listen to. With a basic structure yet long, meandering lyrics, Lana broods over the state of America at the time, which can make for depressive listening. Though it’s a pretty enough song, it’s seriousness is too much to bear sometimes.

Blue Velvet

Sometimes too slow, Blue Velvet doesn’t inspire multiple listens in me, but it is a gorgeous cover and absolutely a showcase of Lana’s vocals.

Diet Mountain Dew

A cheeky little track that won many over, it still is hard for me to fully get into it. However, it ages like fine wine and is a wonderful step into the Lizzy Grant unreleased tracks (especially with the many, sometimes even better demos).  

Burning Desire

It’s a messy song, with Lana’s vocals shaky and the instrumental not quite up to scratch, but this song is certainly a guilty pleasure and great for getting into the sexy mood. The car metaphors are a bit much, especially considering it’s for a car advert, but if you get past that it’s a song to add to your freaky playlist.

Money Power Glory

As powerful and dark as this song is, with incredible instrumentals and Lana at her most dynamic, I barely remember the lyrics of the verses, instead waiting for the rich choruses.

Swan Song

A gentle track that has a lot of untapped power behind it, this is a quiet stormer of a song that has a lot of heart and grace. It may be a filler track, but it is definitely better than some.

Bartender

Even more gentle is the confessional, piano-led Bartender, which is a sweet little love song stripped back much like Lana’s simple romance where she sneaks out to see her lover. The main (and probably ridiculous) thing that keeps me from falling in love with this song more – though I’m already pretty amazed by it – is the very quiet sound of feedback that comes and goes, a fuzzy noise that is very subtle but distracting enough for me.

The Next Best American Record

This song would be higher if it was Architecture – the gorgeous, well-thought stunner that wowed us all when it was leaked. The lyrics are less fractured relationship and more wishy washy, wiping away the gritty sadness that made Architecture so beloved (at least to me). Now it’s been made ‘happier’, it’s hard to tell what the song is – is Lana happy with her lover or is she sad like in the unreleased version? Is this a break up song or a celebration of the romance? What does it mean now that it is both of them that are obsessed with writing? It’s something for me to certainly explore more, but it is paled in comparison to the original.

When The World Was At War

This track grew on me, with the hidden lyrics, fun vocals and hopeful message. Lana knows how to make a song that lifts your mood and this is certainly one of them.

Guns and Roses

I used to despise this song – finding it boring and dull. However, after giving it a listen years later, it is in fact a beautiful song with a gritty feel that is perfect for Ultraviolence. It fits in perfectly with the album and the extended tracks, and though it isn’t the strongest lyrically, the vocals and dreamy feel is thrilling.

Lolita

I choose to listen to this song without the underage character – or romantic connotations of her – in mind, instead seeing this song as a grown woman trying to charm an older man. However, as I have grown older – and read (and loved) the book several times more – I feel more inclined to distance myself from this song. It’s a fun, perky pop track but it definitely feels dated.

Dance Till We Die

Lana sings of her connection to other famous female singers and her daughter’s chosen name, making this a very personal pop song that also reminds of When The World Was At War for its hopeful and ultimately positive edge. It is a little slow but incredible touching, and the bridge is so kickass you can’t help but dance along.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

This is a very sweet little song that again showcases the more positive side of Lana’s music, rather than the heartbroken and distressed women she tends to play. Though it is a filler song it’s a very pretty one and so catchy.

Wild At Heart

Wild At Heart is similar to Not All Who Wander Are Lost in that it’s a departure from a tragic femme fatale, instead a love song that also mimics Swan Song in that she considers leaving fame for her lover. What makes it even better is how Lana samples How To Disappear, a much sadder track, and twists it into something happy with this ultimately more upbeat album.

Radio

Like Diet Mountain Dew, Radio is another perky tune that is more than just a catchy filler. It’s a little bit sassy and has an edge to it (with the expletives and how her life is sweet not like sugar but cinnamon) that keeps it from being too frothy. Speaking of Lana’s newfound fame, it’s a nice break from the love ballads and tragedies peppered throughout Born To Die.

Without You

Shockingly dramatic, Without You is the ultimate symbol of Lana’s older music – a woman who could only feel happy unless her man was in her life. She has definitely moved on for the most part from wailing her demise at losing her lover but Without You is still glamorous, catchy and perfect to singalong to.

The Other Woman

This is one of Lana’s best covers – Nina Simone’s song about being the other woman and how it is in fact lonely and heart-breaking. Lana makes the song her own, her vocals stunning and lo-fi with instrumentals that are perfect for Ultraviolence.

How To Disappear

I feel that the live version of How To Disappear, where she sung it on stage before it was released with its real instrumental, is the superior version. It’s stripped back and tender enough to feel the emotion thoroughly, but the album version doesn’t disappoint. It’s one of many great tracks from (what I think is) her best album, and has a great story within it.

Fucked My Way Up To The Top

Lana’s satirical, sexy and stirring Fucked My Way Up To The Top was just tongue-in-cheek enough to keep from being too much of a cliché. Perhaps based on her real experiences but definitely a fuck-you to anyone who critiques her for owning her sexuality, it’s a little bit controversial but an incredible song.

Tomorrow Never Came

This song, which is a gorgeous duet with Sean Ono Lennon and a nice nod to 20th century music, subverts expectations that it is a sad song by in fact including a happy ending. I love how it can make you cry with both sadness and happiness, and tells a sweet story that paints pictures of parks and country houses.

Yosemite

The long-awaited Yosemite didn’t disappoint, and though it took a while to grow on me it became a classic and somehow familiar track. It’s impossible to not sing or dance to it and wouldn’t be out of place in Lust For Life.

Hope Is A Dangerous Thing

It’s quite slow – the Change/24/Old Money of Norman Fucking Rockwell – but it is clearly a personal and well-thought song that references Lana’s great inspiration Sylvia Plath. Lana’s deft at getting her thoughts out in song and I think though it’s not a song I often listen to, it is beautiful.

Honeymoon

The sweeping violins, dramatic vocals and the dangerous undercurrent makes Honeymoon crackle with electricity. It’s an amazing introduction to an album that once again has dangerous men, bad girls who get hurt but are strong again and amazing instrumentals. Though it’s not the best song from the album, it sets the tone perfectly.

Million Dollar Man

Like Without You, it’s another song of complete devastation, which Lana has grown from in her music. Million Dollar Man shows some great vocals and lyrics, and gets the emotion out perfectly whilst honouring the music that inspired her.

Old Money

The verses are pretty enough but they don’t catch my attention the way the choruses do. The slow, steady song took a long time for me to really appreciate but it’s impossible not to feel some kind of emotion when Lana lets her lover know she will be with them whenever they need her.

Sad Girl

Like The Other Woman, Sad Girl shows how being the other woman has it’s downfalls but appreciates the sexy, exciting side of it – how alluring her man is and how much of a bad bitch she may be. Once again, it’s a pure Ultraviolence song that shows Lana’s vocals and music in the best way whilst showcasing the classic caricature of the femme fatale.

Dark Paradise

Strangely upbeat for such a sad song, Dark Paradise is great to dance to but also something that makes you want to cry. Lana’s vocalisations and dramatic lyrics don’t quite compare to some of her other songs but Dark Paradise is iconic.

Summertime Sadness

The slow-burn, emotional gut punch that is Summertime Sadness is always a classic and one of Lana’s best. Though it is far from my personal favourite it is absolutely an outstanding song and the perfect example of Lana’s most well-made and well-delivered songs.

Gods and Monsters

The strained Gods and Monsters is a great tale about the evil side of fame, which Lana never quite delves too deeply into but gives a metaphorical and mildly personal nod to. Gods and Monsters is one of those songs that has you singing along and feeling strong.

Carmen

Carmen is a beautiful, sad story that feels rich and luxurious despite its harrowing lyrics of an alcoholic star. The French bridge adds to the decadence and it feels like a dirty alcohol bottle wrapped in silk, from the tentative verses to the unnerving chorus.

Born To Die

One of Lana’s original pop chart tracks, this is a song that never grows old. It’s one of the blueprints of the Lana Del Rey era and deftly shows her vocals whilst setting the tone for the pessimistic, romantic star in the early 2010s.

Salvatore

Opening with laughing – or crying – Salvatore has an eerie feel to it, though it is completely erotic in feel (enough to ignore some of the simpler lyrics). It is a song that feels dreamy, much like the rest of Honeymoon, but passionate and reminding of some of her older music (from the vocals in the bridge that have a Lolita/Fucked My Way Up To The Top feel to them to the continued trope of bad boys and glamour).

Flipside

Dirty, gritty and quite contained, Flipside is a song that I wished had more attention. It’s not her most imaginative song but there’s something about it, from the gloomy guitars to the hushed vocals, that have me wanting to sing it over and over. It also is one of her great fuck-off songs, as sympathetic as it is resilient.

Doin’ Time

Lana really turns this song into her own with the summery instrumentals and the pop edge she is so good at. It’s surprisingly one of her best covers and a fresh-feeling track that isn’t bogged down by emotion or maudlin music.

Lust For Life

Breathless and oh-so-romantic, Lust For Life is one of those songs that was perfect for the charts, and a key piece in Lana’s turn into becoming more positive. However, as fun and lovely as this song is, the demos are a whole other ball game. A little more ethereal, they fit Lana much more perfectly and it’s sad she dismissed the witchy feel for a song that is brilliant but generic.

Love

One of Lana’s warmest and most refreshing songs, she looks at love with fondness and dedicates this track to her ‘kids’. She knows her fans well and to make a song that references them (much like Happiness Is A Butterfly’s nod to her ‘babies’) makes this song all the more pleasant.

The Greatest

Lana’s vocals are put to good use in this intimately-written song. She speaks her mind in her reminiscence of the past and the worries for the future, all with a storming chorus that is certainly one of her best.

Love Song

Tender and almost tentative, Love Song is one of those tracks that is romantic through-and-through. It’s stripped back enough to feel like it really is a private song for only her lover’s ears, just as confessional as Cinnamon Girl and Bartender.

White Mustang

Short but sweet, this song has all the makings of a Lana Del Rey song, harking back to the Born To Die days with her imagery and fallen love affair, but it is spiky enough to be part of her later music where she starts giving less shits. The whistling and race cars are a nice touch, displaying her play on words snugly.

Dark But Just A Game

Sort of jazzy, Dark But Just A Game is ever-shifting and never quite settles on a particular sound. It’s cohesive, however, and clearly states what Lana is thinking in a way that works with the rest of Chemtrails. It’s pretty sexy as well, which doesn’t hurt the enjoyability factor.

High By The Beach

The wooziness, the carelessness and the growth from a woman begging to be put in a movie to a woman who is able to do as she pleases. Lana stumbles and swears through the song but knows exactly what she wants – and it isn’t disappointing men or stalking paparazzi.

Let Me Love You Like A Woman

Some may think it much slower and more boring than a lot of her tracks, but I think it’s a tidy, sweet track. Lana plainly states her love, urges her man to run away with her and lets her emotions (and voice) do the talking.

Summer Bummer

Lana is as restless as a hot summer in this song and it works. Her brisk-paced yet soft-voiced lyrics and gorgeous imagery gets my pulse racing, and ASAP Rocky’s verse works well for it. Though it would have been interesting to get a full, solo Summer Bummer, Rocky adds an edge to this song and compliments his ‘lover’ well.

Groupie Love

Much more flowery and wide-eyed, Groupie Love is like a contradiction. Lana’s passionate dalliance with Rocky’s god-like star opposes the relationship in Summer Bummer (uncertain) but both are just as secret. Groupie Love has the edge of being ultra-dreamy and demonstrating pure love – and lust – without the messiness.

American

It’s a filler track that has potential for much more. It’s an adorable song, almost cautious in its lead-up to the satisfying chorus, and is filled with Lana tropes galore. Following Lana’s stressed Ride and coming before the darkly sensual Cola, American is a breath of fresh air.

National Anthem

What an anthem it is. It’s simply provocative and one of her most classic tracks. Mixing love, money and fame together with a bit of sex thrown in, National Anthem is precisely what Lana’s America seems to be.

Is This Happiness?

It’s muted, mournful and resentful, questioning a relationship that Lana wants to keep but at the same time doesn’t. This is one of Lana’s best sad songs, tearful as it is still adoring beneath the exasperation.

Art Deco

Art Deco is purely dreamy, a song to bathe in. The lyrics are a little bit simple but Lana’s vocals and the flowing, aquatic music is the perfect hook.

Terrence Loves You

Lana’s jazzy song is delicate, letting only her voice and the saxophone dominate. With references to David Bowie, Lana pines for someone who hurt her badly, but she soothes herself with music the way plenty of her fans do when listening to her records.

White Dress

The vocals were a surprise at first – high, strained whispers – but they definitely grew on me. Painting a picture of young Lana loving life and dreaming of bigger things, it’s nostalgic in lyrics but also reminds of some of Lana’s old work – her unreleased tracks where she would serve coke and fries.

Chemtrails

It gets better as it goes on, growing and twisting from a song to sunbathe to into a restless, darkening track. It has the best vibe for an idealised world with something a bit off, and the imagery of pools, jewels and schools grounds Lana into a (very, very rich) normality rather than the glamorous star she always liked to portray.

13 Beaches

Opening with a quote from Carnival of Souls, Lana takes High By The Beach to the next level. She goes from sticking her middle finger up to the paparazzi to simply wishing she would be allowed to live her life without them hounding her. It’s a matured approach that uses sound interestingly, with beeps and whines adding a strange texture to the song.

Cola

The controversial line was intended as humour, but strangely it works. Even if Cola is satire like Fucked My Way Up To The Top, Lana owns the ‘other woman’, the patriotic singer, the sexy and unashamed woman who says what she thinks without caring of the consequences. It’s an iconic song, even if you have to turn the volume down to not offend.

Black Beauty

The unreleased version is ten times more emotive, with its stripped back and lonesome feel, but the album version is just as good. The ultimately loving but unhappy lyrics are full of stunning imagery, and this is a song that would have been perfect with a music video.

Body Electric

Blasphemous as much as it honours icons, Lana sinfully owns Body Electric. The bridge is a bit out of place but Lana’s eyebrow-raising approach to religion and sexuality is genius.

Off To The Races

The best demonstration of Lana’s vocals, Lana plays the glam girl without a care just as well as the Lolita-type, needy lover in this ode to money and her man. The soaring bridge is stunning, and the swirling violins add an air of Hollywood to it.

Bel Air

Completely overlooked (in my opinion), Bel Air is an apologetic song of redemption, a shining and honest track that is as touching as much as it is hazy and tranquil. With soft piano and the sound of children opening and closing the song respectively, it’s set apart from Paradise with a pureness that Lana pulls off well.

Ultraviolence

Controversial at the time and still controversial now, Ultraviolence is about being weak, about giving in to love no matter how toxic. I don’t entirely support the lyrics but it’s a stunning song, lo-fi enough to feel uneasy and haunting. When you shut off from the lyrics, you get a simply beautiful track.

Pretty When You Cry

Lana’s imperfect, close-to-tears vocals are wonderful in this song, and she really lets her emotion shine through. The pained guitar and Lana’s increasingly distressed singing are enough to get you feeling exactly as she does.

Florida Kilos

Fun. Fresh. Freeing. Lana’s ode to drugs is simply something to dance to and sing, and she somehow manages to get the sunny feeling across even with the Ulraviolence-esque grunginess. It’s one of my favourite songs of Lana’s because it’s just so happy, which is a nice departure from some of her heavier tracks.

Cherry

Many people’s favourite – Cherry. It was my favourite of Lana’s for a long time, dripping with sex appeal and sadness but with a cute dance to compliment it. It had all the right stuff wrapped up in a tidy, compact box and the imagery is lush. I still love this song but since then we’ve had the ‘Cherries’ of her next few albums, Cinnamon Girl and Tulsa Jesus Freak. Like these, Cherry was a song that seemed set apart from the rest of the album and was a novel take on her typical music.

California

Simply for It's meaningful, raw lyrics – promising to be there as soon as he wants her, much like in Old Money – California is a sun-soaked dream with a very honest approach. Lana isn’t completely devastated, or begging for her lover to return. She is sad but realistic, and only wants the best for him. It’s beautiful and sad with a crazily addictive chorus.

West Coast

The shift from fast-paced, grungey, whispered verses to sprawling, drawling choruses – complete with weirdly sexy beeps towards the end of the song – shook us all, and it’s one of Lana’s most interesting songs. Lana honours the West Coast but also her man, in love with the music scene as much as she is with him.

Shades of Cool

The snide verses. The gradually growing music. The guitars. The explosive chorus. The nuclear bridge. The absolutely perfect timing and pacing. Shades of Cool is flawless, another Sad Girl but with much more power, emotion and music.

The Blackest Day

The Blackest Day needs more attention. Cold in places, almost lost, but then wounded in the chorus, The Blackest Day rolls with the emotions and is the kind of song that makes you want to fall apart and sob. Which is good, in a way, as it shows how brilliantly Lana conveys emotion.

Freak

Cult-like and haunting, this is the sexy predecessor of California. Lana swoons and tempts in this track, from her harmonising to her pouting “take it to the back if you really wanna talk” - not to mention the rest of the song in its entirely, all elements married together to create the perfect seductive track.

Music To Watch Boys To

Like Art Deco, Music To Watch Boys To is fairly aquatic and dreamy. Like Freak, it has that cult vibe (the chanting of the bridge). However, this song is perfectly its own, from the mix-up of vocal styles to the shifting tone (sad to smug to obsessively in love).

Norman Fucking Rockwell

What an opener. Norman Fucking Rockwell lets the actual singing and lyrics do the talking, the instrumentals pushed back enough to let Lana’s gut-punching first line (“God damn, man child, you fucked me so good that I almost said I love you”) and her blue yet annoyed insults to her Norman Rockwell do the talking.

Mariner’s Apartment Complex

It’s a song for yourself and for the people you love. Lana is strong enough to take care of herself, to be her own guidance – and to take on her lover’s problems too. It’s an empowering song, so distant from a lot of her discography, and I adore the nautical references and the hopeful message.

Brooklyn Baby

Satire again, but it still works. Lana plays a (fairly cringey) and somewhat self-absorbed, over-confident singer who is too cool for her own boyfriend, but she does it well. From saying how she wished people didn’t judge her, to the freedom the seventies gives her, to the warm guitars and upbeat tone, to the backup vocals of Seth Kaufman, Brooklyn Baby is a song to remember for all the right reasons.

Ride

Ride is one of Lana’s best, if not the best. With her devotion to America and her open thoughts about needing other people to make her feel good and happy, Lana knocks it out of the park with the superb step up from Born To Die.

Video Games

Video Games is just beautiful, plain and simple. Lana’s low voice, telling a flowing story of the simplicities of true love, are removed from her ‘famous singer’ image she constantly tried to portray and instead open up to the heart of what she has always sung about: love and its many forms, good or bad.

Get Free

The new take on Ride was a pleasant surprise. From changing the lyrics to show she wants to move on and be happy to (silently) name-dropping her influences, Lana’s manifesto was a personal song that we could all resonate with. The outro of the beach was the perfect closer to Lust For Life, and Get Free summarised the album which took her from sad girl to someone who could let herself move on.

Heroin

Heroin is no doubt one of her best. It’s tense and dark, referencing Manson and (allegedly) a friend she lost years ago. Lana lets herself dive into her worst thoughts headfirst, not so much dreamy as it is nightmarish, but still comes out the other side dreaming of marzipan and ready to move on.

Tulsa Jesus Freak

The third of the ‘Cherries’, Tulsa Jesus Freak goes straight to a happy place. Where Cherry was angry and Cinnamon Girl was cautious, this track dives into being comfortable with her man. It was just as passionate as the other two songs but about religion, sex and self-satisfaction.

Blue Jeans

Plucking guitars, crying violins and Lana weaving a tale about a gangsta who left her, without explanation, and the hurt that follows. Similarly tied to Dark Paradise, Blue Jeans is the next level of that, her tough-girl spoken verses dismissed as the choruses open up and she pours her heart out.

Cruel World

Lana is on top-form on this song, furious, maddened, sad, taunting – she hits every emotion with style. Lana grows more and more unstable as the song goes on, invoking images of a woman scorned and no longer taking that shit, but she still has a fragility about her as she comes undone that is tied directly to her Ultraviolence era.

Happiness Is A Butterfly

This song goes through many stages. She is unsure, not knowing how her lover feels. She is optimistic, elated as she tries to capture the butterfly. She is dismissive, no longer caring if she might get hurt – she loves too much. She is pissed off, sick of being treated badly. She gives in, simply wanting to dance and just be happy. The flow of this song is constant, a little messy, but it has the beautiful message pinned to it: to keep trying to be happy and do what you love.

Fuck It I Love You

I love the music video version more than the album version, the latter being more stripped back. Fuck It I Love You just gives in to emotion, acknowledging Lana is hurt, her lover is hurt, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. She simply lets that feeling take over.

Cinnamon Girl

Cinnamon Girl touched me like no other Lana song has. Where Cherry was a mixture of emotions, good and bad, angry and loving, devastated and thrilled, Cinnamon Girl was about cautious optimism. Lana urges her lover to give in, and she knows – smiling as she sings it – she wins.

Venice Bitch

Venice Bitch just has that soothing, unhindered feel to it – and not just from the nine minutes of pure music and vibe. Lana dedicates this song to the kind of love that is just wholesome and homely, all whilst touching on her insanity, her ever-lasting love for America and the modern world (her live streams). It feels nostalgic yet contemporary, and adding the “fucks” and “bitch[es]” helps keep this song from being to sugary sweet but instead what it is – an honest love song rooted in the idealised and the realistic.

[ranpoismyblorbo]

Songs as book characters: A Series

(did I absolutely and totally steal this idea from @wraithnknives ?? Yes. Yes I did. Am I sorry?? No. No I am not (unless of course she has a problem with in which case im very very sorry I'll stop rn-)

Brutal as the Crows

I'm so insecure I think

That I'll die before I drink

And I'm so caught up in the news

Of who likes me and who hates you

All of the crows are insecure about something in their lives for example Wylan is insecure about whether he actually belongs with them or not, Nina is insecure about whether she is betraying her country by her actions, same for Matthias and so on

They are all always on the alert for any news about the ongoings of people in the Barrel because they have to be, because one tiny gap in information could end up taking someone's life.

And I'm so tired that I might

Quit my job start a new life

And they'd all be so disappointed

Cuz who am I if not exploited

These lines just really remind me of Inej because she often thinks about just leaving and letting the Dregs chase her for retribution because she is just so tired of being the Wraith and she actually feels like the Crows (specifically Kaz) just keep her around because she's useful and that's how it's supposed to be anyways so she can't complain.

And I'm so sick of 17

Where's my fucking teenage dream

If someone tells me one more time

"Enjoy your youth" I'm gonna cry

I mean.....do I REALLY need to explain this one?? It's kinda obvious-

And I don't stick up for myself

I'm anxious and nothing can help

These two lines just remind me of Wylan and how he continuously feels like he doesn't belong here and let's be honest he's the softest of the six (in a "hardened criminal" way not a "can't handle a situation" way)

And I wish I'd done this before

And I wish people liked me more

Idk who this is about specifically but idk it just gives me the vibes ok (although the "I wish I'd done this before" part kinda feels like either Wylan finally actively going against his dad or Inej finally using her trauma and what she used to do to cope (disappear into herself) as a weapon)

All I did was try my best

This the kind of thanks I get

Unrelentlessly upset

So........all of them and their entire lives.

They say these are the golden years

But I wish I could disappear

Ego crushes so severe

God, it's brutal out here

The same thing, everyone says that our teen years are the best years or "golden" years of our lives but that wasn't the case for them (and honestly not most people)

"Ego crushes so severe" is an absolute Kaz line everytime his plans deviated or had to be changed quickly in SoC/CK. And the brutal part is again clear.

I feel like no one wants me

And I hate the way I'm percieved

The first line is Jesper because of everything he has done and all the trouble he has got his father into and how he's disappointed in himself.

The second line is Inej because while she is always satisfied when she is anticipated or feared/made preparations for by a rival, she still doesn't like her name in the Barrel, the Wraith and she doesn't like being a killer but has had to be. Also she is disappointed in herself for being satisfied whenever she gets a win in any way as the Wraith because she feels her parents wouldn't love her anymore because of it.

I only have two real friends

And lately I'm a nervous wreck

They all only have true friends in each other and let's be honest they were all absolutely on edge at basically all points of time during the events of the duology (except Jesper, he was only on edge (in a nervous way) once his dad was involved lol)

Cuz I love people I don't like

Helnik anyone??

And I hate every song I write

And I'm not cool and I'm not smart and I can't even parallel park

I have no clue for the first one but the second one is how Wylan feels around them because he feels like he doesn't belong and continuously asks himself what he's doing there

All I did was try my best.......It's brutal out here

It's a repeat

Got a broken ego, broken heart

And God I don't even know where to start

So at the end of SoC/beginning of CK everyone was really sad and angry etc because of Inej's kidnapping and Kaz was absolutely broken hearted and none of them knew where exactly to start planning (I mean ok Kaz DID make a plan but you get my point)

Anyways idk I was listening to this while trying to take a nap and I suddenly got this idea (it WAS in my Six of Crows playlist but I got THIS idea just then) so yea idk I feel good about this lol

[drawing-way-outside-the-lines]

Malou (’Mia Mayhem’) Jensen *Main character

Voice Claim:(Olivia Wilde) https://youtu.be/bV6cC-rUMCs?t=1m13s (Right click on links and open in new tab)

Partner(s): Dalton. Parents: None. Kids: None. Age: 37 (Year 2020) 26th of May. Height: 173cm Body type: Slim. Eye color: Light blue/gray Human: Immortal.

About: Caring, Individualistic, Generous, Passionate, Creative, Adventurous, Sarcastic, Charismatic, Clever, Compassionate, Sensitive, Freethinking, Friendly, Helpful, Sharing,  Humble, Self-critical, Understanding, Witty, Open-minded, Absentminded, Emotional, Brooding, Skeptical, Stubborn, Shy, Introvert, Observant, Anxious, Cautious, Genuine, Awkward and Clumsy. ~ Straight, but loves to watch gay porn. Is borderline Asexual when it comes to straight sex. ~ Has several tattoos on her body, mainly Geeky, representing some of the fandoms she’s in. ~ Her favorite tattoo is the unicorn she has on her left hand. ~ Colors her hair electric blue. ~ Is a writer/artist. ~ Currently learning to write song lyrics/sing/play guitar. ~ Lives with her roomie, Dalton. ~ Used to attend a design school where she would sew clothes all day, now she can’t stand sewing by machine, and only does things she can sew by hand. ~ HUGE cat lover. - Has 3 of her own, Oliver, BMO and Bunny. ~ Used to be very skinny and hated when people assumed she had an eating disorder, or called her names like giraffe or spider legs, when she actually had a very large appetite and always ate a lot. ~ Always smells like burned incense and wood. ~ Hates most artificial smells, loves earthy tones. ~ Loves to collect creepy stuff. ~ Atheist. ~ Has a pretty dark sense of humor. ~ Drinks almost nothing but tea. ~ Is probably made of tea? ~ Dislikes society. ~ Flannel/tartan addict. ~ Super power = anxiety. ~ Believes in unicorns and magic. ~ Strong-willed. ~ Stomps around in big boots. ~ Once kicked a taxi cause the driver was an ass. ~ Hates when people repeatedly sticks their nose in her business. ~ Orphan. ~ Pretty good cook. ~ Fills her bed with plushies to make up for the fact she hasn't shared her bed with anyone half a decade at least. ~ Lonely. ~ Melancholic. ~ Romantic at heart though she never fully admits it. ~ Cares too much for her own good. ~ 100/10 would do anything for the people she loves. ~ Is very honest, if you can’t handle the truth, don’t ask for it. ~ Was abused physically and mentally as a child, as result she sometimes suffers from anxiety, Depression and bad nerves. ~ Can be rather pessimistic. ~ Hates freezing. ~ Uncomfortable around people. ~ Loves her friends, her cats, Rock music, chillout music, pandas, unicorns, owls, wolves, ravens, deer, bears, foxes, Deadpool, watching movies, plushies, licorice, writing, being creative in any way, light chains, grungy stuff, neon lights, Christmas, Halloween, Halloween-type decor, Hello Kitty, 90′s stuff, spearmint, finding deeper meaning in stuff around her, stickers, Anti-Heroes, collecting penis decor, spooky stuff, anything made out of raw wood, flannel, daydreaming, weird/cute/extraordinary mugs, leather wristbands, gay porn, dancing to loud music, Rick & Morty, coloring books, cozy blankets, strange backpacks, gemstones/crystals, nature and scented candles. ~ Her style changes with her mood. One day she wears bright colorful stuff with rainbows and unicorns. Next day it’s black clothes with witchy/creepy symbols/prints or dirty jeans and oversized flannel shirts. ~ Can be pretty grumpy, but it’s usually nothing more than just that. Malou’s tag Malou’s house/home Malou’s moodboard Handwriting/ask answer pic:

One Gif to describe her:

One song to describe her:  Mumford & Sons - Hopeless Wanderer Personal playlist: 1. Incubus - Drive 2. D-A-D - Laugh 'n' A ½ 3. Godsmack - Serenity 4. Jack Johnson - All At Once 5. Damon Albarn – On Melancholy Hill (acoustic) 6. Tim Christensen - Whispering At The Top Of My Lungs 7. Linkin Park - Papercut 8. Nirvana - Plateau 9. Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today 10. Serj Tankian - Left Of Center 11. Korn - Freak On a Leash 12. The White Stripes - Hardest Button To Button 13. Gorillaz - Aries ft. Peter Hook & Georgia 14. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop 15. Madrugada - Sirens 16. Alabama 3 - Woke Up This Morning 17. Gorillaz - Amarillo 18. Jewel - Absence Of Fear 19. Angels and Airwaves - Secret Crowds 20. Blur - Girls And Boys 21. Gorillaz - Saturnz Barz (Spirit House) 22. Cigarettes After Sex - Sweet  23. Jewel - Deep Water 24. Jack Johnson - Sleep Through the Static 25. Damon Albarn - Lonely Press Play 26. D-A-D - Empty Heads 27. R.E.M. - Drive 28. Incubus - Promises, Promises 29. Chris Cornell - Billie Jean 30. Blur - Colin Zeal 31. Puscifer - Momma Sed 32. Heartless Bastards - Only For You 33. Gorillaz - El Mañana 34. Angels & Airwaves - Breathe 35. The Beatles - Come Together 36. 4 Non Blondes - What's Up 37. Gorillaz - Momentary Bliss ft. slowthai & Slaves 38. Norah Jones - Come Away With Me 39. Blur - Mirrorball 40. Incubus - Black Heart Inertia 41. Limp Bizkit feat. Method Man N 2 Gether Now 42. 2Pac - Changes ft. Talent 43. D-A-D - Bad Craziness 44. Nirvana - Pennyroyal Tea 45. Blur - Ong Ong 46. Angels and Airwaves - Do It For Me Now 47. Right Said Fred - What A Day For A Daydream 48. Damon Albarn - Everyday Robots 49. The Human League - I’m The Law 50. Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity 51. Linkin Park - A Place For My Head 52. Blink -182 - Down 53. 3 Doors Down - Duck And Run 54. Alanis Morissette - Hand In My Pocket 55. Savage Garden - The Animal Song 56. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Scar Tissue 57. Incubus - Dig 58. Green Day - Basket Case 59. LP - Lost On You [Live Session] 60. D-A-D - Sleeping My Day Away 61. Bob Marley - Buffalo Soldier 62. Beth Hart - Delicious Surprise 63. Extreme - Hole Hearted 64. Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al 65. Jack Johnson - Breakdown 66. Damon Albarn - Photographs (You Are Taking Now) 67. Sticky Fingers - Cyclone (The Village Sessions) 68. Blur - Star Shaped 69. Serj Tankian - Empty Walls 70. The Dead South - Diamond Ring 71. The Kills - U.R.A Fever 72. Godsmack - I Stand Alone 73. Queen -  Bicycle Race 74. Alanis Morissette - Ironic 75. Dizzy Mizz Lizzy - Hidden War 76. Nirvana - About A Girl 77. Damon Albarn - Mr Tembo 78. Savage Garden - To The Moon & Back 79. Alannah Myles - Black Velvet 80. Jewel - Down So Long 81. Tep No - Swear Like A Sailor 82. Youssou N'Dour - 7 Seconds ft. Neneh Cherry 83. Gorillaz - Broken 84. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Road Trippin 85. Jewel - Good Day 86. Sheryl Crow - Everyday Is A Winding Road 87. Gorillaz - The Valley of The Pagans ft. Beck 88. Green Day - When I Come Around 89. Tim Christensen - Lay Down Your Arms 90. Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood 91. The Pretty Reckless - Zombie 92. Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow 93. Blackfield - My Gift of Silence 94. Dizzy Mizz Lizzy - Love Me a Little 95. Damon Albarn - Heavy Seas Of Love 96. The Paper Kites - Bloom 97. David Bowie - Heroes 98. The Beatles - Day Tripper 99. Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc. 100. Faithless - Mass Destruction 101. Limp Bizkit - My Generation (Uncensored) 102. Tasmin Archer - Sleeping Satellite 103. Jennifer Brown - Alive 104. Of Monsters And Men - Sloom 105. Panic! At The Disco - New Perspective 106. Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff(Explicit) 107. Blur - Lonesome Street 108. Sort Sol - Holler High 109. Jacob Lee - Demons (Philosophical Sessions) 110. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here 111. Nina Simone  Feeling Good 112. The Human League - Darkness 113. Gorillaz - Strange Timez ft. Robert Smith 114. Des'ree - I'm Kissing You 115. Meredith Brooks - What Would Happen 116. Dan Black - Symphonies ft. Kid Cudi 117. The Kills - No Wow 118. Gorillaz - Fire Flies 119. Guns N' Roses - Patience 120. Incubus - In The Company Of Wolves 121. The Dead Weather - Will There Be Enough Water 122. Hooverphonic - Mad About You (Live at Koningin Elisabethzaal 2012) 123. Blur - The Universal 124. Sort Sol - Let Your Fingers Do The Walking 125. Roy Orbison - In The Real World 126. Corey Hart - Sunglasses At Night 127. Imagine Dragons - Radioactive (Henri Pfr & Hësling Edit) (Cover By Victoria) 128. Hollow Coves - These Memories 129. Beth Hart - Favorite Things 130. Catching Flies - Quiet Nights Bonus: Yello - Oh Yeah Double Bonus: Meredith Brooks - Bitch Triple Bonus: Seal - Crazy Almost done I swear!: Wolf Larsen - If I Be Wrong Last but not least: Tim Christensen - Enjoy The Silence

[larperwithastaff]

Analysing My Own PC's Playlist. Because I Can.

This is Nina's entire general playlist! This isn't in any order, and has existed through several iterations of Nina's character.

I'll talk about Nina's backstory coherently one day. For now, this is a lore-heavy list with captions.

Long Post o7

1. When The War Is Over - Grayson Matthews

Yes, it's a The Next Step song. But It Works. It's very dark elf. It can go back to Xen'Khari's backstory, it can be linked to Nina's backstory. It's a haunting song that connects to Nina's naivety and being too trusting.

2. Starfall - Tia Ray

Honkai Impact 3rd once again making me bawl my eyes out for Kiana. This was added when Nina's backstory was very different to what it is now. Originally she was an ex-bard on the run from people who blackmailed her. Now she's a rescued student mage who's a little too willing to get into a fight (for good reasons, of course)

3. Ryuusei (Comet) - Eir Aoi

Right in the heart with this one. Nina's entire sunshine-y personality stems from repressed trauma and not wanting to remember her past. The song mentions "not being able to smile properly"/"Loneliness is painful, and kindness feels so sad, yet this place is so precious to me". Nina's front is put on every day, and most days she's fully convinced herself that it's natural, but sometimes the facade falters, and how she really feels sneaks through. Though what Nina's experienced is incredibly tragic, she still pulls through, and creates these connections around her, creating memories to replace the ones she's buried.

4. Pompeii - Bastille

The (redacted Xen'Khari lore,, probably, I don't know yet), Nina's past, her parents being killed ("Basic Rogue Backstory" - Hav'Ranii's player), repressing memories, this entire song has such strong Nina energy, it was a no-brainer to put it on here.

5. Star Divine - Starlight Kukugumi

Before my home game's magic system got an overhaul, this was one of the first chants I had! The old system had (only) healing magic, sing a 30-second chant and you could revive a person to full hp. The system is significantly more complicated now, but it's expanding to include more types of magic, so mostly no complaints.

6. When You're An Addams - Addams Family Musical

BIG XEN'KHARI ENERGY. "You gotta have a little moonlight"/"you need to feel a little chill" and "You smile a bit the moment you smell blood" "It's family first and family last, and family by and by!". We're a warhammer-esque dark elf warband, it just Works.

7. Take Aim - Derivakat

Added because this song feels like what a friday night fight feels like. The wind whistling in your ears, the excitement of the battle, running across the huge field into a fight. It has energy of a group fight, but also the energy of just how feral Nina gets in a fight. I want to write a CMV to this for Xen'Khari, I think it could be really cool!

8. Hokori to Ogori (Pride and Arrogance) - Starlight Kukugumi

Another old chant. I took Maya's verse at the end, although sheer embarrassment kept me from singing this one too often.

9. Sugar Song To Bitter Step - BriCie

This! Song! Is! Nina! I wish it was longer because it encapsulates Nina's vibe so So well. I'm always dancing in my seat whenever this starts playing, I made choreography for it when I was in middle school, and I only remember scraps of it, but it's still important to me. Yet another CMV I want to write, but Nina-centric.

10. The Call - Regina Spector

This song is so So special to me, but a rant for a different time. The first verse and chorus I relate back to Xen'Khari's story. 2nd verse is Nina's backstory specifically, progressing from her past to the present with more redacted lore. The final 2 verses make me think of the present day/progressing to the future. Nina's a complex (or i hope i write her well enough to be complex) character, and i want to play her as such. Things will happen that'll trigger memories to come back, and Nina will slowly become who she was originally, different parts of herself will come back together and form a cohesive person.

11. Come With Me - Chxrlotte

If Nina was to sing a song, it would be Come With Me. It's not even lore relevant, I just feel like Nina would sing/dance around to this song. No real routine in mind, just going with the music.

12. It's Tough To Be A God - Annapantsu/Elsie Lovelock

Another warband member mentioned Nina bring a goddess of "Healing, hunting and shins... oh, and also extreme violence." Once, and i took that comment and Ran with it. I've got a whole costume in mind, audios saved for clock app, etc. Not my focus for costumes at the moment, but an idea for the future. A funky little AU for when I have money time for costumes I can't wear on field.

13. Machine Gun - KIRA

Nina Going Feral❤ if a fancam of Nina in battle existed, the final bridge would be the background music. This song is so Good.

14. The Spider and the Lamps - Razia's Shadow

If Hav'Ranii and Nina had a theme song, I feel like this would be it. The song (in Razia's Shadow) tells the story of a spider named Barayas manipulating the lead of Act 1, Ahrima, into destroying lamps created by himself and others (Razia's is,, a confusing show). I've wanted to choreograph a ballet routine to this for a couple years now, sadly I am not skilled in the ballet area of dance. I imagine the song along the lines of Hav'Ranii manipulating Nina into doing their work for them, really making Nina distrust certain people. I have a draft on tiktok with it, sitting, waiting to be edited. I could not be assed. One day, though.

15. Ballroom of Romance - Celtic Women

Again just Nina dancing to a song. I feel like if a ball ever did happen, Nina would be absolutely beside herself with excitement. If she had any tasks to do, she'd be so distracted by dancing, talking to friends, trying to write down happy memories in her notebook that she'd be delayed on completing them unless someone reigned her in.

16. READY!! - IDOLMASTER 765PRO ALLSTARS

I love imas, it holds a special place in my heart. READY!! Is less in-character and more for me personally. Getting ready for larp, getting in character, the challenges that come along with the game, etc. Also I like the dance.

17. Sweet Witches' Night - Cinderella Girls

Again, just Vibes. Nina being a little unhinged with magic. I know the song is supposed to be sweet with creepy undertones (watch the starlight stage animation. what the fu-) but I'm just imagining Nina doing this little ballet dance and at one point, the lighting switches, and the rest of the song is just a Liiitle weird. A little off-putting.

18. Halloween❤Code - Cinderella Girls

Pure vibes. Nina's personality but make it Halloween. It's such a cute song, it just fits.

19. Cabo - Ricky Montgomery

"Ashes, ashes, dust to dust, I think I found the place for us! It's down by the Garden after dark. It's in my arms, it's in my arms..." I know this is a (romantic) love song, but I am chosing to ignore that and imagine the chorus as found family. Feelings of safety in camp, surrounded by the people who saved her from what probably would've been certain death, if Nina had stayed behind much longer after her parents were killed.

20. HONEY - Derivakat

Another contender for Nina's character song. A bouncy, energetic song that makes you want to dance! This song is just happy stims but made into music. Like if you wanted a way to show people Nina before they meet her, just show them this song.

Aaand that's it! I ended up clearing a few songs that really didn't fit Nina anymore, so it was a good opportunity to clean up the playlist. I have 2 (technically 3) other Nina-related playlists, but both have less than 5 songs in them. If I decide to do this again, I'll probably combine both into one post.

If you made it through to the end of my infodump, thanks for reading! Hopefully there's a song or two up there that you want to check out!

It is now 3:30am. I have work tonight. I need sleep. Goodnight nerds. /pos

[blackmuzak8484]

nortey dowuona’s best of 2020

to be completely honest, I decided to do this entirely for TSJ. otherwise, I wouldn’t have bothered at all. Best end lists are for music nerds and billboard chart nerds and industry vultures, and i happen to be subscribed, in the discord and in the comments of the youtube vids of these folk. so, i decided to pick 10 out of random from the big best of 2020 i was compiling for the whole of the year, which I was gonna post to this Tumblr at the end of the damn year, but I guess I can just post the link to the playlist in the bottom of this post. Here, i’m gonna write about 10 songs I personally love, and pick out a few artists i specifically loved:

artist of the year.

RAP Ferreira put out his best album and best verses in a year everybody either stagnated, fell off or got rendered irrelevant by the world at large. He was ebullient, hilarious, thoughtful and even surprisingly honest. I enjoyed the fact that now he’s begun to create a real platform for many talented folx, and I hope he continues to do that in the margins and make even more beautiful music in the years to come.

rookie of the year.

Enny by a mile. Everybody else who debuted this year got hamstrung by the pandemic but she created 3 great songs, each thoughtful, insightful and a joy. Apparently she just started publicly releasing music to a large audience, and I hope she gets better and better, and even gets bigger than J-

most pleasant surprise.

Vic Mensa’s V Tape. An artist who I though had no more moves left completely turned around his whole career with a fantastic performance at Lollapalooza, a fantastic fleet of features and tis gorgeously produced EP which had some of his most brilliant songs on it. I love it all, Vic Mensah is well and truly back. Welcome back bro. (ALSO, DROP THE DRILL TRACK.)

GREAT THING A GHANAIAN ARTIST DID.

Strongman Burner, Amarae, Okunta Kinte, Vic Mensah in general.

cool things my friends and classmates did.

Justine Darcenne’s #4TheBaeless. Valencia Rae’s Siren thyhomebodies’s Coming of Age. (Phil, a producer in the group, made his own studio!) Brad built his own computer. petit abri put a track on APT9 Record’s compiliation album Volume II. khaalid anderson’s transitions. (khaalid will also be performing at Beats & Brunch on January 23, 2021 at 11 am.) Yannick Paul’s Bear Fruit. The Big Climax’s This Is Ya Boy kxng jetson’s Waves (ft. Kokko Williams & Mike Mezzl) Nicole Gonzalez performed in The Composer’s Melody. Victoria Marie released a bunch of beaufiful covers on her Insta, @toriiii_marie @ph0ssy_jaw works as a counselor online. Pay her at her PayPal. Johnny Aperano Yoba was on People AND Vogue. Dalitso is a wonderful pianist at his church back home in Zambia. Kobina is a fantastic drummer at his church. Kayla graduated with a BS in Music Technology and Industry! Damian been cookin on his insta. Travis graduated! (Look out for Clan of Dragons.) Rorghino Flores made a documentary! Francis (and Animax FYB) put out Mmofra on AmaLexPrime! (play it with yo kids.) A Hype has been dropping crazy all year, roll by his SoundCloud and check out Persistence Of Memory. Reina H been doing great covers on her Insta, @challenges_inlife. Hannah placed music on C. B. S.

best albums of the year (that nobody’s written about).

Maya Huyana -1991 DaWeirdo - Broke and Ugly $ilkMoney - Attack of the Future Shocked, Flesh Covered, Meatbags of the 85 VI Seconds - Because Why Not/Never Knows Best Erik Cain - Heart & Soul Vol. 2 Dimitri & the Scarecrow - Messenger is Sender (from 2015, finally got released onto streaming this year, still pretty great and another great Zimbabwean rapper for us to all fawn over, just like billy woods) Flowking Stone - Gifted 1 The Hoodies - Incommunicado Jayy Grams - Every Gram Counts Domo Genesis/Mike and Keys - Just in Case1/2 Madwiz - God’s Gold Teeth Maez301 - Hasaan Daara J Family - Yaamatele Dai Burger - Dessert EP TeePhlow - Road To Phlowducation II Tef Poe/Blvck Spade - Preacher in the Trap Terrell Hines - Portal One: The Mixtape redveil - niagara Nyukyung - Trap Harmonix AdrianXpression - Sucka Deante Hitchcock - Better (Deluxe) maassai & jWords - ve.loc.i.ty tobe nwigwe - cincoriginals everything Kelsey Lu did this year.

strangest things happening in music in general.

vic mensah actually making a great record. goldlink going through a narcissistic collapse and winding up making the best music of his career. redveil blowing up off Fantano calling him wack. pharoahe monch finally making a rock pivot and it actually works. meet me@the garden coming 10 years too late for my 14 year old self. RAP Ferreira being in the NYTimes, selling a vinyl record for $72, creating an actual nostrum grocers in a video game so we can listen to his next record. The entirety of the playboi carti phenomenom. The entirety of the lil uzi vert phenomenom. The entirety of Chance’s instagram EP being far more money worthy then the entirety of the Big Day and yet being released on Insta and not immediately monetized. Deante Hitchcock releasing a great album and being completely forgotten armand hammer releasing their underground kings wayyy too early. my ass continually not actually looking into amapiano despite always loving it when I review it. several good songs needing to be tacked on to a prior youtube vid as an ad for me to find them instead of actually listening to the artists. santan dave still releasing good verses after he made his illmatic. (expect his new album to suck.) slowthai becoming cake. (we let that go way too far.) Guapdad and BfB Packman being wonderful. Finding out BfB PAckman is a better rapper than Sada Baby. John Boyega putting on Ego Ella May. Having to admit Young Dolph was good all this time and i missed out like a fool.

best tv performance.

Chance The Rapper’s “A Chi-Town Christmas.” IDK’s “Change The Channel.” Sa-Roc’s Tiny Desk Concert. Chika in general. Robert Glapser’s “This Changes Everything (ft. Denzel Curry).” SZA at the Roots Picnic. Sampa The Great at the Roots Picnic. RAP Ferreira in general. Umi’s “Introspection Live Show.” Alexa Esperanza’s cover of “Is It A Crime.” Bad Bunny in general. the jwords, nappy nina and MIKE performances at Satellite Syndicate

most embarrassing piece of music i love with all my heart

Logic’s No Pressure. In all sense of the words I should not love this album like I love my siblings but I do. It is beautiful.

best 10 songs of this year objectively

1 - RAP Ferriera - An Idea Is A Work Of Art (ft. Mike Ladd) [prod. by Kenny Segal, mr. carmack and Mike Parvizi]

I know, I know. In all honesty Doldrums should be here. Then Noz put it on his best list and I had to be all ChiTown Go-Getter and pick the next better thing: this. And in all honesty, it has the best lyric RAP spits on the album: “we build better answers.” But it’s not just that, it’s RAP’s most animated performance, the most dexterous piece on the whole album and the most gorgeous beat, a loping bassline sliding behind the flatfooted drum, allowing Mike Ladd, his musical father, to gently drift through, saying, “what if royalty depised us?” and knowing the only gold is soul and giving it to all of us, all us maggots and vultures and locusts and weevils, to hold to the light so we can finally see. On the quest to get open and free, we continue.

2 - Chika - U Should [prod. by Lido]

I heard this the night it dropped and shot 2 insta videos playacting as it played. But apart from that, it’s a intimate, beautiful song about getting to know a new lady love, so tenderly sung it might melt and disappear if not held gently, with a sweeping guitar lick and purring trumpets sliding all over the place, Chika softly holding each frayed piece together into a considered, gorgeous piece - wait, she’s talking her shit.

3 - Issa Gold - Boys Don’t Cry [prod. by Kingjet & Sherwyn and Matt Zara]

The only reason this isn’t number one is because it dropped on Christmas Eve. But otherwise, it’s a openheart letter to us all. “it’s a lonely path being different,” Issa says, swimming in the melted ice caps as he once danced happily on the edges of melting glaciers that failed to drown him, looking at the world that keeps hurting his heart, yet he still opens his eyes and smiles, and dances. The heavy drums are so bouncy the whole song suddenly flies, formerly a hidden murmur becoming a bright sunlit flight across the sky so we can all see. I can’t wait to see Tempus, if it’s anything as good as this was.

4 - Deante Hitchcock - Growing Up/Mother God [prod. by Brandon Phillips-Taylor]

In all honesty, “Growing Up” is really not the best song on Better. It’s a sweet, happy song with a smooth, crackling bassline with soft, ghostly synths, but still kinda ok. It’s the song added at the end, “Mother God”, that has warm, sizzling piano chords and gorgeous singing in the back. It’s one of the few time I’ve ever heard a man pay homage to the woman in his life and to the God above while being entirely sincere and not faking the funk. The way he praises his mom, his lady, remembering the women in his family taking care of him and him foolishly neglecting Breonna due to his overburdened mind feels full of details, remembrances, explanations and praises. Plus, it actually makes sense that God, if she exists (she does) is a woman since -

5 - Yana Perrault - whiskey and weed [prod. by slate]

Apparently, Yana Perrault is verified now. Excellent. {YES YES MY GOD YESS}, It means more folks know about how great this song, and Yana herself is. If I had any sense, I would’ve written up 12:21 as the best song of 2018, but such is life. Anyway, we have this smooth, bass heavy slinker with shimmering percussion and lumbering drums about hooking up with a former flame who’s “sober” yet keeps on calling Yana to break their sobriety, “know we ain’t talked in a while but you still know my address,” she wryly mentions. As the beat sprints away under a warm cocoon of accapella echoes, it mirrors a relationship so tenuous it might disappear into the wind. Yet still strong enough to have whiskey on call.

6 - Marlon Craft - Culture Sick Freestyle [prod. by Cormill]

Apparently this was supposed to be a shot at Flex. And since Flex is a woman beater and a lame, good for him. Shouldn’t have even gone on Flex to be honest, but then again neither should Jay Critch or Tyler or Black Thought and besides, I watch those freestyles too. And on the freestyle, Marlon frankly put things in perspective. “You don’t want us to better, you just want to be cool still.” This describes all of rap media to be real. And tellingly, it only has 310,000 views. Methinks nobody really wants real. But I do. Thank u Marlon, you continue to be the best white rapper alive. (Nowhere near the best rapper tho, and if Token hadn’t fell off -)

7 - Miah - Cascades [prod. by Cedes]

I’m sideeyeing the boy Miah cuz I had to search up his Audiomack to find the producer’s name (it’s Cedes, and they have a really great avalanche of Drake Type Beats is you like that kind of thing). Were you trying to trick folk into thinking you produced it yourself? You don’t need to do that shit. Especially since you’re writing stuff like “back in high school all my peers were tryin to hit the league / until the league too far from reach so they tap dancing over beats.” When you can frankly break down life that clearly, don’t be trying to hide producer’s names unless you actually learn to produce too. Plaster your name all over that shit.

8 - Justine Darcenne - Off Days [prod. by Mikhail Miller] / Enny - Peng Black Girls (ft. Amia Brave [prod. by Paya]

Justine is indeed my classmate, but that’s not why this song is here. it’s here because it’s a nice little guitar driven song with a spellbinding bridge that’s the best thing I’ve heard her do yet. And I’mma keep it short cuz I already wrote this up at the Singles Jukebox.

Enny released this soft, cushiony record with washed out synths over bulky drums and floated FLOATED over them without even trying to run in the tar, saying frankly, “He said to me, 'they put guns in the streets, that’s what they wanted for me.’ And I said, ‘G, someone can fix you a plate but no one can force you to eat.’” After all, why not try to live for something greater than what the world has expected you to be. And Amia sings, “We’re gon be alright, ok?” with the joy and excitement of someone realizing the words coming alive on their tongue. One of the best songs of this miserable year, and it’s kinda funny watching Jorja accidentally Drake out Amia and even Enny (and by funny I mean irritating.)

9 - Tobi Lou - okay (ft. Dreezy) [prod. by Matteo Woods & Dilip]

Fun fact: Dilip did some great songs with Otxhello, a producer who recorded and mixed 2 records on my first album. That again is not why this song is here. The warm, swinging synths and heavy, bouncy drums are why this is here. Oh, and Tobi’s goofy, silly lyrics and his surprisingly effective Missy Elliott tribute are great too. But obviously, the verse that vaulted this into top 10 was Dreezy, which opens with such a openhearted line, “i can’t help it, it’s too hard to say I’m sorry.” And every line is harder than the last, until she closes with “and I ain’t talkin frontals but we got the city sown up.” Absolutely amazing.

10 - Strongman Burner - Pilolo (ft. KelvynBoy) [prod. by Nixie]

The sweet, gooey synths are poured over the soft, zipping and smooth drums as the wiry bass whirls between Kelvyn’s soft, thin crooning as Stoneman tap dances over the drums, both desperate and defiant, trying to salvage a sinking relationship that he knows is already gathering coral and snappers. It’s the best afropop song of the year and yet it still has a Nigerian on it (well, I put 4 Nigerians on here, next year I’m rectifying that.) And they even did a song together last year , not as good as this. At all. (still pretty good tho.)

best 10 songs i love (but not enough to write full paragraphs for, I already put 10 in and this is already 5 goddamn pages)

11 - Logic - Heard ‘Em Say

best song on the project that isn’t Dadbod but at least it isn’t tempting fate.

12 - Deqn Sue - Creep

I already love this for having a gorgeous bridge, and is cute af. Yes Sue, you can creep.

13 - Quelle Chris & Chris Keys - Sudden Death/ka - i love {moms, mimi, kev}

QUELLE CHIS CAN SANG SANG./ka can heart heart write.

14 - IDK - Square Up (ft. Juicy J)

I don’t know why this is here either but this slaps regardless.

15 - Nappy Nina - Modestly (ft. Maassai)

Maassai is creating some of the best raps out here. so is Nappy Nina.

16 - Kehlani - Lexii’s Outro (ft. Lexii Ajaii)

Let’s celebrate our great rappers when they’re alive (and this includes me. Pls Chika, don’t win Best New Artist.)

17 - Samad Savage - Goodnight

What Travis Scott should’ve tried to be instead of what he is now. Samad still dope af regardless.

18 - Bad Bunny - Si Veo Tu Mama

The way Bad Bunny actually hits that last note makes me feel so excited and alive.

19 - Fat Tony - Back In The Saddle

I fucked up. But I’m getting back in the saddle, back in the saddle next year. NO NIGERIANS ALL NIGERIENS. #ENDSARS tho.

20 - Lady A - the truth is loud

Why am I the only one who has this on a best list? I have 34 bot followers. Vibe, step it up.

best of 2020 music right here folxs.

worst music things of the year:

The Pop Smoke album. Just in all areas. (Better win that Grammy tho.) Travis Scott in general. (So loud and empty and boring.) Big Sean’s Detroit 2. (why does this exist? Just put out Deep Reverence and Detroit Night Cypher and leave everything on the cutting room floor fo the next album.) Remembering all the great rappers who are dead or incarcerated. No Kendrick album (just leaks. Not good enough.) J. Cole and Noname beefing and Noname getting strung up by twitter. Jay Rock pushing being anti-vaccinations. The realization that Normani might never drop a single record ever again. Tory Lanez in general. Joyner Lucas making actually good songs and falling off almost immediately. Cardi B in general. Anything positive being said about steven Universe songs. Luzamity shipping (until it’s canon please stop! Willuz is RIGHT THERE!)

[893thecurrent]

Since its inception in 1926, Black History Month commemorates the valuable contributions, achievements, and the remarkable history of black Americans. In honor of Black History Month, we asked several black Minnesota leaders to share the artists and songs that inspire them.

As we continue to see her voice emerge, U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar shows strength, resilience and confidence in her current role. In 2019, Omar made history as the first Somali woman sworn into Congress. Reflecting on history, culture and music, Omar shared a playlist of songs and spoke of the personal connection she feels with her favorite music.

“Some of them tell a really great story,” Omar said. “Some of them are revolutionary. Some of them are like my pick-me-up songs. Some of them take me to a special place either in my childhood, or my youth.”

Some of Omar’s favorites include artists with a strong Minnesota connection. Lizzo’s “Good As Hell” is included in Omar’s playlist, as well as “When Doves Cry” by the legendary Prince. Omar said, “One of the first movies I watched when I came to the U.S. was Purple Rain.” Prince was one of the first artists Omar was introduced to when she moved to the United States, and his biggest hit ends up on her list as one of her favorites.

Omar also considers the song “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child her “anthem” and says she plays it often. Omar admitted, “I like songs that can be a little tortuous and a little honest, so Nina Simone’s ‘Mississippi Goddamn’ is one of my favorite songs on this list.”

Omar also reflected on influential music that draws from her own culture and background. “I’m a huge fan of K’naan, who is a Somali-Canadian artist. There’s a lot of his songs that I like, but the two songs we have on the list, one of them is a song that he did with the cast of Hamilton and it’s called ‘Immigrants (We Get the Job Done).’ It’s self-explanatory, I suppose, why I like that song,” Omar said. “The other song on my list, “Fatima,” is the story about his childhood crush in Somalia. So, he has a vivid description of Fatima and I knew lots of Fatimas, so it always puts a smile on my face every time I listen to that song.”

Sharing her insights on Black History Month, Omar said it’s a month that celebrates the historic contributions of the black community, but places importance on remembering the “tragic” past of the black community as well as “the struggles and triumphs of those who worked hard and bore the burden of getting us to where we are today. It’s also a time of remembrance of what’s to come and the battles we still have in front of us in fighting for full equality and recognition in society.”

[tetrakys]

Five Songs - Chapter 4: Quit Playing

I looked around the place trying to decide where to start first. Luckily, food had been cooked elsewhere by the catering service so the kitchen was clean and all the dirty dishes had been taken away once they left. What I had to do was to collect the garbage lying around the room and clean the floor. I could have easily done it in the morning I guessed, but I knew that the moment my head was on a pillow I was going to sleep for the next 12 hours straight.

I came back from the kitchen with a big rubbish bag and a broom. I paused for a moment and looked at my phone, cleaning up was always easier with some background music. I accessed my music app and selected a random playlist. 

I had just started swapping the floor when a thought crossed my mind. I was very visible from the outside, with all the lights on in the café at this hour of the night, anyone could see me being alone in here. I went to the light switches and turned off all the lights in the room except for the ones in the kitchen and the lamps that Nina had lent us. The room was now lit enough that I could see the furniture and avoid tripping every two seconds, but it would have been almost impossible to spot me from the street.  

I started collecting all the rubbish I could find. Someone had lost an earring, I put it in a drawer by the till in case they came back looking for it. There I also found my keys lying on the floor, thank god I hadn’t gone back to campus, I would have ended up spending the night on the floor locked out of my room.

I had been cleaning for an hour or so when one of my favourite songs came up on the playlist. I started singing along while brushing the floor pretending the broom was a microphone. I got really into it headbanging and twirling around the room when, suddenly, I caught something in the corner of my eye. I stopped immediately with a frightened cry, there was someone sitting in the darkest corner of the room, someone who… was laughing his ass off!

“I’m sorry Candy” Hyun said with tears in his eyes “I didn’t want to frighten you” he kept laughing “you didn’t hear me coming in and I thought I might just…”

“You thought you could just sit and enjoy the show, right?” I said annoyed, ashamed but also a little bemused.

“I’m sorry, really. It was just too funny!” he went on “I swear I have only been for like… well… most of it.”

I was mortified, that really wasn’t the image I wanted popping in his head whenever he thought about me. “What are you doing here, anyway? You left ages ago.”

“Yeah, sorry about that, my parents sent me a text asking me to call them. I was worried but I shouldn’t have, it was nothing serious. I was just about to go to bed when I had the terrible thought that Clemence might have ‘asked’ you to stay and clean the place. I came back to make sure it wasn’t the case but, apparently, I was right.” He looked around the room “You are basically done, sorry for being late. At least it seemed like you were having fun” and he started laughing again.

“Hyun!” I cried stomping my feet on the floor and puffing my cheeks like a child.

“Sorry, sorry!” He raised his hands looking at me apologetically “It’s just that… you are just too cute.”

I felt myself starting to blush a little when I noticed that he was still grinning like an idiot and realised that he was just trying to appease me, as if I was a child or a puppy. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t exactly the case, I knew that he liked me, at least a little. We had been flirting every now and then for a while now, but he had never stepped up. Could that be because he only saw me as a girl and not as a woman? He had seen me being a klutz at the café many times, and even though he was also a bit of a dork sometimes, I really didn’t want that to be the only impression he had of me. Suddenly an idea came to my mind, it was risky and could totally backfire but I was willing to try, he had just seen me at my lamest so I had nothing to lose.

“You know what Hyun” I said with fake confidence crossing my arms “since you apparently like to watch, you can give me your opinion on something. A while ago a friend and I prepared a small choreography for a contest which we never ended up performing, she broke her leg a week before. I have always wondered what people would have thought of it.”

That really got his attention, he sat straight on the chair and looked at me intently. “I’m not an expert but I can definitely give you an honest opinion.” He said blushing a little.

“Thanks” I replied and pulled a chair in the middle of the room. “Please sit here.”

He complied while I headed to my phone and selected the song I was looking for. During my third year I became good friend with a girl who was a huge K-pop fan. She was so passionate about it, that she begged me to enter a contest together to attend a famous boy band concert in Seoul. She was devastated when she fell from her bike right before we could perform. The first notes of “Quit Playing” from U-Kiss started and I headed towards the centre of the room, a few feet in front of Hyun. I saw a surprised and somewhat embarrassed look crossing his face, he must have recognised the song. K-pop was usually more cute than sexy, but this song… it really hit it out of the park, it had an upbeat but sensual rhythm and the MV showed a 2 boys/1 girl threesome… between other things. I briefly pictured myself squeezed between Hyun and another man who looked suspiciously like Mr Zaidi… Nope, nope… it was not the time to go there… I came back to the present and let the music lead me.

The choreography was purposefully as sensual as the music, I raised my hands and let them slowly run down along the curves of my body. I turned around and let my hips swirl while I slightly bended on a side. I looked him right in the eyes and I saw him quite affected by the show. He was staring at me with a hunger I had never seen him display before. He looked at me from top to bottom, and I felt his gaze caressing my skin, my calves and the length of my legs. I was still wearing my Charleston dress, which proved to be quite fitting in these circumstances as the fringes jumped around at the smallest movement of my hips, leaving my thighs mostly bare. He seemed to be painfully aware of this since, even though he looked at me all over, his gaze kept slipping back to that particular spot.

Once the song reached its peak I slowly started heading towards him. I bent down leaning on the back of his chair while looking at him straight in the eyes. I saw him swallow, appearing completely bewitched. Once my lips where just an inch away from his I smirked, got up again and moved at his back. I hugged him from behind and run my nose along his neck leaving a small kiss on his chin. Stop messing with my mind said the song, I twirled again and landed on his legs, straddling him. On the last notes of the song I put my hands on the back of his chair so that he had to tilt his head up to see me and I let my lips hover over his, just a few inches away and… stopped. Panting heavily just a breath away from his lips.

“So?” I asked once I caught my breath “What do you think?”

He looked at me pensively “That I am really glad you ended up not performing” then he added “Do you know the meaning of the lyrics” I only had a general idea so I shook my head to say no. “The guy is basically pleading the girl not to mess with his head because men are simple minded and easily bewitched” he stared me straight in my eyes and added “Is this what you are doing?”

I cocked my head on the side “I don’t know… is it working? I can’t tell.”

At those words he put his hands on my hips and pushed my lower half closer to his and a breath escaped my lips. Oh, it was working indeed… “I’m not that cute then…” was the first thing that came to my mind.

He smiled timidly and raised his head leaving a feather-like kiss on my lips “Always.” I felt his hands moving slowly along my thighs while he added “You are cute, sexy, funny, smart and passionate… and I am simply crazy about you.” I looked at him surprised, had he just… confessed? I quickly got up from his lap and pretended to straighten my dress from some invisible wrinkle. How could I feel shy… now? When two seconds ago I was grinding on him with my ass basically in his hands? We started rearranging chairs and tables. The atmosphere was now heavy and I didn’t know what to do or say. I like you too? No, too ordinary… and he hadn’t exactly say that, had he? I was going to spend the next several days analysing his words and reactions, God… I was trying to act like a femme fatale but I really was a klutz! Once we were done, we turned on the alarm, locked the door and headed towards the campus. I tried unsuccessfully to make same small talk but we were still really embarrassed.

Once we reached the dorms entrance I said goodnight and tried to quickly run towards my room.

“Candy wait” he said. I turned around and saw him stopping in front of me. “I know you were playing and I freaked you out, but…”

“No, Hyun” I tried to explain but he stopped me.

“Let me finish, please.” He said, looking at me sweetly. “I really do like you. A lot. I wasn’t kidding.” He put a hand on my cheek “One day soon I am going to ask you out, and I really hope you say yes.” He leaned and left a sweet kiss me on my forehead. “Goodnight” he said smiling, and headed towards his room.

I stayed there looking at him walking away, a smile also on my lips.

Soon.

[kalendraashtar]

New Year Get To Know Me

I was tagged by the wonderful @theministerskat! ❤

Nicknames: Kal, Kale, Kalendra on Tumblrland; Nina, Mary, M&M in RL. 

Zodiac: Sagittarius with a sagittarius ascendant. #therealdealofbeinghalfahorse

Height: 1.65m (5′’5)

Time: 8.31pm

Favorite band/artist:  QUEEN, Snow Patrol, John Mayer, Florence + The Machine, Mumford & Sons, Pearl Jam, Sleeping At Last (I could go on forever).

Song stuck in my head: Rising Water, James Vincent McMorrow.

Last thing I googled: Weather in Guatemala in October, for what I hope is my next long trip later this year.

Other blogs: None, this one keeps me busy. 

Do I get asks: Yes, more often when I’m deep into writing a fic, a few show related as well. :)

Why I choose this username: Kalendra Ashtar is an entirely fictional character that I once dreamed of writing about. Instead of writing about her, I became her.

Following: 190

Average amount of sleep: 7-8 hours, brain needs time to reset. Also, I don’t need an alarm clock.

What I’m wearing: Several layers of pajamas and fluffy things.

Dream job: The one I get to do every day (Family Doctor). Also part of the dream - doing some humanitarian aid at some point.

Dream trip: New Zealand, Canada, Japan.

Fave food: Stuffed squids with mashed potatoes and a beautiful green salad on the side.

Play any instruments: Nope! 

Hair color: Light brown.

Languages you speak: Portuguese, English, small bits of Spanish and French.

Most iconic song: I’d have to pick both Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) and The Scientist (Coldplay).

Random fact: Most of the time, I believe in ghosts/spirits.

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: Colourful sneakers, drizzle on a moor in Scotland, fog over a lake, infinity scarves, books jumping from everywhere, pendant necklaces, letters that mark the paper underneath, Spotify playlists.

I’m pretty sure most already did this while I was away but I’ll go with @notevenjokingfic, @missclairebelle, @balfeheughlywed, @xlisaleinx, @ecampbellsoup, @saint-hildegard-of-bingen, @laythornmuse.

[heartcravings]

50 Questions Tag!

@jongin-be-my-jagi​ tagged me for this a while ago, but I took my sweet time to answer. Here is my secret intel if you want to know me a little bit more!! Check hers as well, she’s an amazing writer and friend. 1. What takes up too much of your time? Tumblr, my stupid procrastination prone brain and my thesis. 

2. What makes your day better? Friends and loved ones, music and these absolute dorks (Channie especially) 

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I hopped on the mat today in the early hours of the morning, rain on my window and the neighbours cat peeking at me from his window across the street.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? Wonderland, bacause it’s “curiouser and curiouser!”

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.  Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

5. Are you good at giving advice? I think so. Not so good at following my own advice though.  I do always consider where the other is standing and if I don’t know how to proceed then I’ll just be honest and say I can’t help. But i’ll always listen with my heart. 

 6. Do you have any mental illnesses? Not diagnosed. I do think i might be going through something now. 

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, but i have a recurring nightmare: the world is made of black and white paper thin layers. I am a paper thin person walking along a street surrounded by paper thin buildings. I walk for a long time, looking up at the white sky. Until the street ends, there is no more building and i fall into the abyss of a blank page.  I have had this dream since the age of 8 or 9 years old. Fear of not being good enough, you say?! Ding, ding, ding!! We got a winner in the back!  8. What musician inspired you the most? I get inspired by music all the time!! One of my all time favourite songs is Spanish Sahara by Foals. Its sublime!

So I’d say I’m mainly inspired by these artists: Queen, Arctic Monkeys, Foals, Radiohead, Bowie, Daughter, Bob Dylan, Beirut, Yeah yeah yeahs, Arcade Fire, The National, Joy Division, Blur, Warpaint, Gorillaz, Sufjan Stevens, Bon Iver, Chet Baker, The Cure, Courtney Barnett, The Maccabees, Car Seat Headrest, Florence + The Machine, Editors, Kasabian, Crystal Fighters, Death Cab for a cutie, The Doors, Efterklang, Explosions in the Sky, Franz Ferdinand, The Horrors, James Blake, José Gonzalez, Los Campesinos!,  Metronomy, Nick Cave, Nina Simone, Patrick Watson,  Phoenix, Sharon Van Etten, The Shins, Simon & Garfunkel, The Smiths, St.Vincent, The Strokes, Toro y Moi, tricot, Tune-Yards, TV on the radio, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, The Vaccines, Vampire Weekend, The Velvet Underground, The War on Drugs, Wild Beasts and Yo La Tengo.

And the electro, pop and hip-hop groves of my heart: EXO, 2NE1, Janelle Monáe, Big Bang, Kris Wu,LCD soundsystem, SBTRKT, Childish Gambino, Frank Ocean, Kendrick Lamar and Daft Punk. 

And special mentions to the portuguese ones (learning from yixing and promoting when i can :P): Capicua, Joana Espadinha, The Legendary Tigerman, Linda Martini, Mayra Andrade, Noiserv, Ornatos Violeta, Paus, Samuel Uria, You Can’t Win Charlie Brown and The Silence 4. I know, tldr right? Sorry folks! 9. Have you ever fallen in love? Yes I have. I have mistaken a crush for love too. But i have definitely been very deeply in love. A wrecked kintsugi heart over here people! 10. What’s your dream date? I don’t think I have one. I’d love to do something unique with that someone special, something special for the two of us. It could be as simple as riding the subway while sharing earphones & listening to our playlist or walking the dogs out! Idk, I’m easy to please. But right now it would have to be with this handsome man :D pretty please?!

11. What do others notice about you? I am very kind and warm hearted, so I think that’s what people first notice when meeting me. Although I maintain good eye contact, I am also timid and will be quieter if there are very energetic people in the group. When alone, I usually take the first step and try to meet people, but only if i really must.  12. What’s an annoying habit you have? It’s really hard for me to ask for help. I also like to tell detailed descriptions of everything... Couldn’t you tell? 13. Do you still talk to your first love? I’ll text him on his birthday and he does the same to me. We met when we were 10 years old and that childhood friendship remains. But regarding my one and truly deep relationship, no we do not talk, unless we randomly meet.

14. How many exes do you have? I have three exes. The first love who was just an idealized crush on my childhood friend: we dated for 2 weeks during summer break xD Then my first real boyfriend, we met in my first year at university, dated for quite some time, he really loved me and made me love myself a little more. Finally the one i loved too much. I mended his wounds and made him love himself as much as I did. I always say all the love we feel makes our hearts grow bigger. I do not regret loving any of them, I am me now due to them and I would not change it if I could. 15. How many songs are in your playlist? I have way too many playlists for each and every mood... But my favourite songs list on spotify has about 1500 songs! uwu!  16. What instruments can you play? Triangles and flute?! I had mandatory music classes in school... so in reality I can’t really play a instrument...

17. Who do you have the most pictures of? Probably my cat, Sushi. With a second close of my doodles and sketches. 

18. Where would you like to go before you die? EVERY WHERE!!! But I really want to go to Japan and Scotland and Iceland and South Korea and New Zealand and i’ll shut up. 19. What’s your zodiac? Capricorn. 20. Do you relate to it? Sort of.

21. What is happiness to you? You know when it’s really cold outside in the winter and you manage to find a sheltered place where no wind can hit you and you still get to feel the warm rays of the winter suns on your skin? You hear the birds outside and you are contempt in that moment, at peace. That is happiness to me.   22. Are you going through anything right now? Yes, I am a bit lost. Trying to finish my thesis and trying to find what I want to do after. It’s liberating but also pretty scary. 23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? It’s a series of small decisions really. It started with going for a phd with the same people i worked in my msc. Should have gone to a different place. Then deciding to come home after a traumatic loss in the family. Should have kept my life going but I stalled it then. (I don’t regret helping my loved ones though).

24. What’s your favourite store? Probably Wishtrend for beauty stuff. Other than that I don’t have any favourite brands/stores. 25. (HALFWAY!) What’s your opinion on abortion? I think everyone is free to decide what they want or need to do. I couldn’t possible judge. If I would it? Probably not.

27. Do you have a favourite album? I don’t think so, I have favourite tunes for different moods and moments in my life. But if threatened with my life, I’d maybe say Total Life Forever from Foals.

28. What do you want for your birthday? It’s such a long time until my birthday comes! But maybe a real EXO ot9 reunion as a goodbye to Minseok?

29. What is most people’s first impression of you? Friendly and easy to open up to, i think.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? In real life, people usually think I am way younger than I am.  31. Where do you keep your phone when you’re sleeping? In the crook of my bed, between the mattress and the bed frame.

32. What word do you say the most? No idea really! 33. What’s the oldest age you’d date? 40s? I don’t think too much about age actually. 

34. What’s the youngest age you’d date? 20s? Again not very important to me. Love is love, whomever, whenever and wherever <3

35. What job / career do most people say would suit you? I don’t know! People always say i don’t totally fit in anything... so there’s that. If you have an idea please let me know! 36. What’s your favourite music genre? Go back to question 8. I listen to everything! :D 37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be? I’d like to live around the world, every few months a different place and get to know different cultures.

38. What is your current favourite song? I’ve been obsessed with RM’s intro/teaser song, Map of the Soul: Persona. (I’m not even a bts fan, but this music and lyrics just touched me a lot.)

39. How long have you had this blog for? I think for about 6 years? It’s my personal space, where I dump all my obsessions.  

40. What are you excited for? I’m visiting some friends in Granada in a couple of weeks. Yay, tapas!

41. Are you a better talker or listener? Normally I am a better listener. But there are a few people to whom i open like a book. Either words flow right out of me without even thinking or they see throw me. Those truly are my people.

42. What is the last productive thing you did? Prepped meals and cleaned the kitchen. Open the folder and file of my thesis. Read the latest chapter I wrote.  43. What do you want for Christmas? Well, just like for my birthday, there is still such a long time to it! But let’s say i want to have already finish this part of my life and want to find my next adventure.

44. What class do you get the best grades in? No more exams! Ehehe! But I used to have good grades at everything. Physical Education was my lowest mark i think.

45. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now? Right now, a 4? I have a headache.

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? Smiling? :D I want to be happy in my own skin. To feel contempt in my life, doing something that gives me a sense of purpose and having time to share and enjoy with my friends and family. 47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Oh my kintsugi heart has been broken quiet a lot. By friends and lovers and even by myself. I keep patching it up with gold dreams though.  48. At what age do you wanna be married? I will only want to be married if i find the one. So until then I guess. 

49. What career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to be an astronaut and a ballerina. Preferably both!

50. What do you crave right now? Just sitting somewhere and listening to Yeol play the guitar.

Well i finished it! :D I’ll tag @thedeviousdo @ohsenhun @hongseok and @paepsi. I’d love to read yours! Feel free to dismiss it though, it is quite a lot.  Lots of love everyone!! <3 <3 <3