#seriously why is there always ALWAYS anorexia shit

[skinwalker-bratz]

Eyeless jack x extremely skinny fem s/o with low self-esteem.

Autor's note: no THIS IS NOT about anorexia or anything like that. This is for the girlies who can't gain any weight and have a very low self-esteem for that. I know how it sucks, you probably must think that you can never date a man because of your weight or you probably have been bullied for being "flat" and shit like that. I never seen any headcannon about being too skinny for any character nor any fandom, so that's why i wrote this. It's pretty short but i did best. Remember that I'm not a native speaker.

Here the headcannons:

- no he won't look at you at first and think you're sick or need to eat, he knows you're very healthy and it's just your body that's the way it is.

- at first he don't understand why you wear oversized clothes even in the hottest days. After finding out it's because you're trying to cover your body He will try to convince you to wear cooler clothes and that you should be comfortable and happy, and that what others think of your body doesn't matter.

- he'll always boost your confidence with your body.

- he'll find you beautiful just the way you are, but if you don't see that, he'll make you see your true beauty.

- if someone say anything about your body and make you feel bad this person is in the next day on the list of "missing".

- maybe he'll tell you that you look like a fairy or a supermodel to boost your confidence (he's trying his best).

- he doesn't think you need to gain weight to look beautiful, you're already beautiful.

- maybe he'll convince you to wear short, tight dresses that flatter your waist. Seriously, you look very sexy to him, and maybe this will give you a self-esteem boost.

- he'll convince you that your legs are beautiful and delicate, there's no need to hide them.

- he doesn't care about other "big-bodied" girls, after all he's with you because he loves you.

- you don't need to have a big butt and big boobs for him to find you hot. He'd blush just to see you in a pair of shorts and a tank top

[thatkdpoh]

Introduction i think?

Ok so I’ve been like really excited to do this I don’t know why but this is I think controversy? I don’t know how controversy works but this is how it happened.

I am 12 yrs old, My height is 5,1 and holy shit wanna kms but I am 130 pounds. This will flucate and idk how to spell it but it’s like a line with a dot in the front or end and it goes left to right so I flucate to 130 to 140 I hate that.

How I know about ED/Backstory/rant (cringy ik sorry :c :

I was always a fat kid and I’ve hated it, I understand that I didn’t care about my weight but when I was like what 8 to 9 whenever my dad would say cow to me in taqvaylit I don’t know how to write it but I know something’s like amcic or tizizwith or afkroune which is cat, bee and turtle in that order. I would feel self conscious and sometimes cry to because I’m very sensitive which is like cringy i know lol. My heaviest had to been this year like 140 pounds but I think it was water weight and shit. Anyways my mom tried to get me to fast and she would force me or smth maybe not force but like tried to get me to lose weight. She’d say it directly and it would always make me feel bad but like I understand being 130 for like 8 yrs or 9 to 12 is very heavy and embarrassing considering I always saw kids would be more skinner than me I’d feel very bad. Until recently like last year in 6th grade I was reading fanfics of a human au of TMNT i didnt know what ED’s were so when it showed up the word bulimia I thought it meant bullshit but it didn’t sound right so I searched it up and saw the symptoms that’s when I also learned about anorexia and pica etc. When I saw the symptoms I started copying them now this is the part that I think is controversy I copied the symptoms which I know was bad but I was fucking lazy and still am couldn’t do a workout for the life of me or restrict food, I was used to eating a lot and when I saw the symptoms I copied them and they worked!! I loved it and then the minute I knew how to starve myself, I actually don’t know how to continue with that but I didn’t know how much of a deeper hole I got into but I really loved it and still do EMBARRASING. I did do exercise I did like 100 sit ups a day which did nothing but it did make my body ache and stopped, 5th grade was the worst out of all my grades for now but 6th might be second but it wasn’t that bad just a lot of crying and seeing how fat I am made me cry that’s it. Now if I don’t starve at all or try too I would feel like shit. In 6th grade I also saw that purging was a symptom so I made myself throw up but only if I ate way to fucking much and I’m so bloated it hurts and I can’t take the pressure so I throw up just to take off a little pressure and go back but then I’d feel sick which sucked :C. When Ramandan came though I was A BEAST not an actual beast but like it was my oppertuinity to fast without anyone questioning because I live in a studio apartment with 5 other people that are my family >_<. Obviously with my blabber mouth which I hate told everything to my mom but I think she thinks that I’m ok now :D. Any way I’d only eat 5 tablespoons of soup every night and I was very tired and I lost 6 pounds!! Which isn’t a lot but I made it to 124 pounds!! But then I gained it all back in summer break, cried, tried to fast for 3 days but fainted on the 36 hour?? I’m not sure because when I stopped the fast because my mom told me to eat and spoiler alert I cried cause I have little bitchitas if u know Kubz scouts u know. I paused at the 38 hour so like 36 is my highest to fast which is embarrassing again. ANYWAY NOW IM IN 7TH GRADE STUGGLIJG EITH THIS THINGY :]] I sound like those I guess I deserve it heh thing but like no I’m not seriously I just wanted to be silly. Anyway I’m gonna try that ABC diet which I think seems kind of mid to hard but I think fitnesspal would help me with it <33

BYE EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT DAY OR NIGHT HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING SND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! :33

[mommypieck]

hi im sorry but i really wanted to rant and my best friend has been rlly weird lately.. my finals are going on rn and im usually not struggling this much to study yk.. like- im smart. i understand everything and its rlly easy. i cud be topping in everything if i wanted. but im so burnt out from 2019.. everyday id go directly to more classes after school and id reach home at 8pm where my mom wud force me to do homework and study more.. i was the fat kid until 2 years ago and i never had friends bcuz of it.. i developed anorexia and suddenly got people talking to me once i lost weight.. but ive also been depressed with adhd and ocd.. my therapist thinks im doing fine even though my antidepressants dont make me feel fine.. my adhd meds stopped affecting me too.. i REALLY wanna study, like i really do. tomorrow i have an exam for a subject i really like. but im unprepared. and i simply can't get myself to study.. i really dont know whats wrong with me.😭😭😭 i know these are my finals and i shud be serious cuz this will determine my life!! but i cant bring myself to sit and actually study.. for the previous tests this year, i managed to study the day before and the morning of the exam.. but this time, even though im waking up at 3:30 to study for the tests, i simply cant make myself do it.. I really do wanna study, i never hated it.. but idk why i cant.. pls some advice </3

i usually just make myself like the topic i am studying. even if it's the stupidest most boring shit, i just tell myself that it's actually interesting. and it works. also im really bad at chemistry and i hate it, but lately i always study a day before the exam. i just can't study anytime else because my brain doesn't work. but I don't think i have any advice to give you if you don't feel like studying. i had to study so i study and i don't think about not studying most of the time. only with chemistry. i know i didn't help u but im seriously not the type to ask for advice.

[mycptsdrecovery]

To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

.

[not-that-blog]

My housemate and I had a really honest discussion about my experiences with anorexia today and I won’t tag this and so this is the trigger warning of I’m about to ramble about the kind of ED experience where it’s actually severe and advanced and calculated… so it is not a light topic and not one for those who are sensitive to it. Because I will be talking about my mindset at the time, the mindset of my old friends in the forums and the things I had to accept for choosing recovery.

So most of the discussion on the way home from my gp was more about how gym bros with eating disorders are super similar to hardcore competitive anorexics on proana forums.

Which has been like hitting me all evening about how fucked up my eating disorder was because I was admitting to my housemate about it and explaining niche ED things.

Like if you were ever in deep, there is a specific three letter ‘diet’ that you know and you know how difficult it is and that anyone who is doing that has essentially knowingly chosen death or hospitalisation.

I had to explain to my housemate this ‘diet’ and we googled the average caloric intake for adults and toddlers bc of this and learned that at the peak of my ED on average I was getting less than a quarter of a toddlers daily intake.

And his response was ‘holy shit, no yeah that’s active malnutrition and dying’

To which my response was ‘I got pregnant during recovery from that when I was still eating less than recommended for a toddler. It’s why I blame myself for that miscarriage and resent my mother telling me I was ‘bloated and looked sick and pregnant’ when she demanded that I go gluten free…. Because I was sick and pregnant.’

(To which I somehow just realised her response was to force me to go gluten free instead of take me to the doctor or discuss if I was feeling sick… and the rage has flared back up about her medical neglect)

But because of this we also got to talking about the competitive nature and the fact eating disorders make you fucking mean. Like you’re not meeting your basic nutritional needs, you’re fucking delirious all the time, your logic and perception are completely skewed and even if you were like me and the body image issues were yourself specifically and didn’t actually apply to those around you (ngl; I was suicidal and didn’t want to be seen as attractive to anyone whom I could actually respect because I was afraid of being emotionally betrayed by someone I trusted because I was terrified of being seen as a sex object. I didn’t trust the opinion of anyone who found me hot while I was actively anorexic to the point it’s why I was anorexic. It’s a concerning thing especially with why stress and breakups sometimes trigger my disordered eating purely because I don’t want to be seen sexually so I want to not exist). But others who are anorexic or dieting bc of fatphobic mindsets still surround you and that shit fucks with your head and you can’t always spot and fight it when you’re so physically exhausted that you can’t stay awake in class anymore or do basic math.

(Also just realised the time they were looking at bipolar, I was actively struggling with recovering from disordered eating and suddenly my erratic behaviour makes more sense)

And important to where this ramble is going; I only chose recovery because a friend in the community died and her mum begged all of us in the server to seek recovery. She was not the first to go to hospital or die. It’s just the first time that someone cared and wanted us to live despite knowing we were all actively in there choosing death.

It was a very suicidal group chat where we were all discussing in brutal honesty what it looks like to die from anorexia but how much more afraid of recovery we were because we all knew we had gone too far to not be physically fucked up from it.

The reason I knew to keep an eye out for diabetes in my early 20’s and begged doctors to take me seriously when I said that I was showing symptoms? Because no one lives malnourished for that long without doing damage to their pancreas. It was an active discussion in the forums and chat about the fact multiple people had developed type 2 and eventually type 1 diabetes because they had been so malnourished for so long that their pancreas stopped producing insulin.

There were discussions about how to stay glucose stable on minimum calories. I wish I didn’t still have those memorised but I do. And tbh sometimes they save my life now and it definitely did while I was bedbound… but it’s fucked up information to have with how I have it.

I told my housemate what zero calorie days looked like on different anorexia ‘diets’ and how prolific laxative abuse is bc we were talking about how one of the long term effects is that when you don’t eat for that long, your body stops making stomach acid/bile. It doesn’t make enough to digest food. And by that point, you also have really severe muscle wastage so your body actually can’t digest food easily even if you did. And that there’s some niche knowledge that I have that I will say I learned from the spinal injury and FND forums that was probably also on there… but I actually learned it from other anorexics because you can’t recover easily without learning how to eat again slowly not bc you mentally can’t… but because you physically can’t.

The thing with that super advanced three letter diet? Is it triggers gastroparasis eventually because you have probably been drinking coffee or smoothies as your only form of nutrition, once a day, and timing it for your very specific bathroom break. Because you know how long it takes. Because it’s all you have. And you can’t eat solid foods without laxatives anymore.

Everyone thinks the soft food choices and the veganism and the liquid food diets are all calorie and weird ‘making sure they eat in recovery’ choices. It’s not, the actual reason that mashed potato is a common recovery food is because it’s easy to make nutritional and calorie dense while being easily digested. It’s why broccoli is not a team favourite and spinach is the leafy green choice of recovery. The same with why we all have to readjust to low dairy in the form of cream and why it takes forever to reintroduce cheese and pizza. It’s also why most people who go from anorexia to bulimia do it in recovery; it’s not just fear of consuming calories. Learning how to digest food again hurts. Like physically hurts and is incredibly uncomfortable.

I couldn’t eat fish and chips for years because it was so bad I threw up in the shower. I just didn’t have the stomach acid or the energy to digest it.

That’s the other thing; digestion actually takes a lot of energy and your body will just shut it down to bare minimums when you’re that malnourished.

Like I still know the feeling of the weirdest sensations bc of my eating disorder. And sometimes that weird insight is the only reason I don’t completely regret it… but also so many issues I have are directly caused by it and people don’t realise how close to hospitalisation I was.

Like I am pretty sure most of my original FND symptoms were actually just anorexia and that’s why it got better when I recovered from my eating disorder and why I am currently flaring bc I unintentionally go into ED habits when stressed bc it was my core coping mechanism for the most formative phase of my life so far.

My mother and sister actively both diet to the point of disordered eating, my mother less so now but my sister absolutely counts as too low on the calorie intake and so I am fully aware no one close to me was catching my eating disorder.

And I was careful enough to eat my ‘planned intake’ around other people… because I was calculating and ridiculously dangerous to myself especially with a strong support network of other anorexics who were working so hard to hide their disorders and knew what they were doing and we’d share how we did it and how we ‘Burned off the calories in lunch’.

Normal people don’t have a full workout routine they can do while sitting ‘still enough’ and it doesn’t help that I am AuHD so it was essentially just stimming with a pattern and I still do them when I’m working and need to stim ‘quietly’. (It’s entirely just flexing different muscles in your body with small movements. Again, great quiet stimming technique, horrific when you’re using it to ‘burn excess calories’ on-top of full workouts and malnutrition)

And sometimes I forget how advanced I was and how close to death I was and that it probably wouldn’t have been that much longer until I was hospitalised for it.

It would’ve been in the hospital where I got caught tho. No one would notice at home. Or do anything if they did. I saw how they treated my brother when he obviously also developed anorexia…. And they actively made that worse despite me telling them that they were doing it wrong and giving them resources on how to navigate anorexia because while I didn’t care about me, I love my baby brother.

I forget my experience with anorexia is far from the normal bc I did a lot of things that are actually really hard.

I regularly ‘won’ proana competitions that were willpower not weightloss.

It sucks when the only thing you achieved in your life for the longest time was best at disordered eating without dying in the public knowledge.

Bonus points; the argument for why I wasn’t anorexic by others around me was that I still had boobs. I am a trans man; trying to get rid of them was part of the reason why I kept doing it. There were entire forums dedicated to how to keep or lose them and I was very 50/50 bc I liked not being caught but I hated my chest.

But one of those things that only certain people seem to know and it’s those who hardcore diet; if you recover you will become plus size not because of diet or moral failure or anything like the things diet culture suggests… and this is something no one explicitly says until the point where you’re all choosing between death or a painful life in recovery… your body will never forgive you or forget that it was so malnourished it almost died.

And it will never let you forget.

Like it was the thing that was made very very clear to me when I chose recovery; ‘You have spent the last few years obsessed with staying small. You will never be socially thin again. Especially because you’ve been this small, a normal size will feel large on you to others and they won’t understand and neither will you. But the majority of us end up plus size if we recover because our bodies will never ever be the same and they will not forgive what we did.’

And I just accepted it.

Because genuinely; plus size me was always going to be healthier than anorexic me.

And the thing that I have always kept in mind when they tell me how plus size individuals are more likely to die from certain conditions is that most of those conditions are actually caused by yo-yo dieting.

Because I know that because I watched us die, not just myself but literally I was in several competitive af group chats where the group motto was essentially ‘Well at least I’ll be a pretty/concerning corpse’ (because we know that dying like that we don’t actually look pretty, but when you’re that fucked up we felt like the willpower and stubbornness it takes to die like that made us pretty and we all felt pretty… because anorexia is a very severe mental illness and genuinely we don’t talk enough about the fact it’s not vanity but a need for control and eventually a need to control the way we live in order to die. Like not everyone gets to intentionally dying. A lot of people stay in just obsessive with numbers and calories and staying small for a long long time and just continue going way too far because control. But the reason proana is known as red flag 🚩 anorexia point is because that is the warning sign that it’s someone competitive and probably ready to die for the level of control they need to feel. They want to control their life and how they die. They want to die. It’s slow suicide and a need for control. I don’t think people get that enough so I will harp on about it. Because the last thing anorexia is, is vanity. It’s linked to OCD. Most anorexics have OCD. You treat OCD when you treat anorexia).

And the thing with being in several group chats where you indepth honestly discuss what it’s going to be like to die of anorexia and plan your funerals…. Is you learn how and why your body shuts down in what order.

Do you know that the first organs to get fucked up are all digestive? Pancreas, liver, kidney, intestines, stomach. Pretty much in that order depending on personal genetics.

That once there’s no fat to burn and your body will actually keep a layer of it first, it’ll start consuming muscle. And tbh, most anorexics by this point don’t have a lot and you’re exercising non stop anyway…. So your muscle is already weak and damaged because you haven’t been providing proper nutrition and you have not given your body a break despite that…. So your heart is already not in good shape because it’s overworked af and you’re anorexic so you’re constantly stressed and your body has lived off adrenaline and cortisol for years because it couldn’t live off food…. And then your body starts consuming muscle for energy and suddenly you’re even more at risk for heart failure because it’s so weak and broken. And even if you recover you will forever have a heart that is more at risk of heart attack and disease because it is heavily broken. And there’s nothing you can do.

Because when you choose recovery and to try and fix everything you did with malnutrition; you can’t fix the insane damage you put your heart through.

And sometimes when you gain weight after years of starvation; your body just covers everything in excess fat cells to try and keep you safe.

Because historically; famines are fucking deadly and ones that last years and still require you to keep going like that are incredibly severe natural disasters that will come again. So your body changes its entire system to prepare and protect you, so that next time you don’t even come close to dying. So you can think because malnutrition really fucks with your brain and when you’re in a natural disaster or something, that’s crucial.

And it’s going to impact future generations genetics too.

Everyone who had an almond mum and then continued getting shit for their size? Her dieting and her making you diet as a kid added to it. Congratulations on your crippling insecurities and constant pain and health issues… I am right here with you (genuinely, my family triggered my disordered eating at about 10/11… it became conscious about 13-14).

We’re about to see a rise in youth disordered eating again and as someone who teaches teenagers I’m terrified of it. I’m terrified to see the kids coming in with disordered eating over the next few years because I know what that looks like.

And here’s the thing about having spent years in a group named ‘The pretty corpses’; you discuss a lot how ugly and medical that death will be.

How much beeping, how there will be needles and IV fluids and feeding tubes and machines and slow inevitable organ failure and how exasperated nurses get about needing you to eat… etc… we know it’s a very very slow and painful death. Some have a goal weight they plan to just end it at or a specific milestone, others live for the dramatic ending, some of us swear we’ll recover at the last possible minute and it’ll be fine. I actually was in none of those camps, I didn’t think I would ever make it to hospital because no one would notice and I would just die one day at home. I was a teenager and not very logical, but tbh even now I don’t think they ever were going to take me to get help. I think I would have been there when I hit organ failure and they would have to be like ‘she’s dying’.

And recovery looks ugly.

Not in a ‘oh no, I’m gaining weight’ which is more a loss of control and not liking that you can’t control how your body gains weight and when thing, at least for me.

But in a ‘you’re going to piss yourself at some point bc your pelvic floor is a muscle and you don’t have those anymore. You are also going to have to learn to use laxatives responsibly bc you never have but now you need to be mindful and wean yourself off them so your body can learn to digest food again.’ way. And the thing that they tell you in recovery is ‘everyone has a poop story, it is inevitable. Every time you full on relapse tho, you will gain another.’ along with the information of how you have to reintroduce foods slowly because you haven’t eaten them in years and everyone who cut out cheese and dairy has a poop story specifically from that or a ‘I threw up the first time I ate more than two small slices of cheese pizza because it’s been so long I genuinely couldn’t digest it and the pain was excruciating’.

Also the first time you eat meat again. I don’t like eating chicken outside of a few very specific ways because I couldn’t physically digest it after anorexia and I was more prone to food poisoning.

As an adult living independently, I still mix a lot of fibre additives into my meals specifically bc of the damage I caused with anorexia.

But a lot of us can’t eat meats easily and they forever just taste a little wrong after years of eating disorders.

Also if you purged a lot, some foods are forever just that meal you constantly purged.

I have a handful of things I no longer eat because of it.

And all this is currently haunting me because ever since the wicked promo… I see it.

I see Mary-Kate and Ashley. I see Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. I see the ‘How they did it; weight loss diets of the rich and famous’ on trashy magazines again. And the knowledge that it’s coming again.

I used to obsess over Victoria Secrets models.

If anyone else was on proana websites in the 2010’s, there was an entire thread dedicated to them and I remember the time everyone got obsessed with counting their ribs and comparing their own.

I saw Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo’s interviews and my instant thought while watching all the holding hand compilations was ‘Oh god the wrist measuring trend is going to come back.’

Because between ozempic now being more for weightloss than diabetes in the public eye, that people are going to be looking at hyperglycaemia as a weightloss solution (which makes my diabetic ass scream in panic), that actresses are once again shrinking before our eyes and going for constant surgeries for a very specific kind of face that is just a fucking image of white supremacist bs…. I am here like ‘Oh no, this is exactly how it happens’.

Because if you’re hungry you can’t see and you can’t complain and it’s really easy to feed you propaganda when you’re so focused on yourself and your image and that you can’t afford clothes and food if you decide to rebel against their ED culture…. And everyone is going to fall for it again.

And hungry people are bitchy and judgemental.

Anorexia makes you a fucking bitch not because you are one inherently; but because when you’re so starved you can’t think and suddenly you’re just taking in the worst of everything bc you’ve triggered your survival instincts which need you to be prepared for threats and you’re running on empty…. And you just become a cruel and bitchy person.

And that’s also why almond mums are the fucking worst. Because outside of the body image issues… they’re so fucking hungry and empty they don’t have the energy and mental capacity to parent. I now force my mother to eat regularly when out because otherwise she’s a bitch to me and service workers and I refuse to allow that.

I just see it all happening again and I dread it and hate it.

[purple-hel]

FML

It's been a really shitty year.

I lost my job in August and have gotten exactly ONE recruiter call since then, and no actual interviews. My uncle was helping me with rent, but he had to retire because his mind is slipping (which was a conversation I had to have with him because apparently his manager, an old friend of his, wasn't allowed to, so got ahold of me for the 'he's gotta retire or hes going to get fired and lose his pension and health insurance' convo.) So my uncle can't help me anymore cos there's a big gap between his last paycheck and his first pension payment, and even if he could help my lease is up end of july and the complex wants to raise my rent by like $400, which is somehow fucking legal.

And I have nowhere I can move, because I have 5 cats (plus another I should really take with me if I leave), only two of which will tolerate other people, the other 3 will only tolerate me (plus the 6th is mostly feral and won't even really tolerate me, but she's been SLOWLY warming up to me and two of mine are her clowder and I don't want to leave her all alone, so I need to be able to isolate her from all but 2 of mine if I leave and take her with me). So I'm going to be homeless I guess? With 5 cats? and no car? Which doesn't sound like something worth fighting to survive when I'm 42 and have absolutely no hope of things getting better.

I had planned to move into my mom's empty house, but that requires like $1000 for a dumpster to reach a marginally livable state (and I mean MARGINALLY) and me having the ability to GET THERE and clean. And I don't have $1000 OR the ability to get there, cos my car died; doubly so in fact, originally it was what I am pretty sure is a brake assembly issue, but when I went to start it yesterday to keep the battery from running down it wouldn't start at all, and not in a dead battery way but in a check engine way.

And then on top of all that, my uncle's neighbor has been seriously overstepping, pushing my uncle to do things like hire a CPA and hire people to clean out the house, which would be fine, except my uncle always loses paperwork, and the neighbor refuses to give contact info for any of the people, so now everything I had stored in my bedroom at my uncle's to keep it safe is probably gone forever-photos. prom dress. a summer camp tee shirt a bunch of friends signed. stuffed animals given to me by various people, including my father. And my uncle lost the paperwork from the CPA, told the CPA to send me a copy of the paperwork, and the CPA, a friend of the neighbor, is refusing, so there's a power of attorney that none of us know what actually covers, isn't that great?!

On the plus side my uncle is good with the idea of a conservatorship, so we just need to get that in place.

plus the 'the world is on fire and death cult capitalism sees no profit in saving it and the rapturists want the world to burn' shit we're all dealing with, and I am hard pressed to remember why I should keep breathing other than my cats.

Oh, yeah, plus fucking health bullshit. I'm now on the prescription anorexia shot (ozempic) which is (un)fortunately actually doing good things for my blood sugar, so I just have to deal with ozempic no appetite on top of ADHD no appetite. Except the past few weeks I've been so stressed the ozempic doesn't seem to be doing anything (or if this is my sugars WITH ozempic fucking gods I don't want to know what they'd be without it.) But not eating enough (a good day I can manage about 1000 calories across the day, which I try to weight towards protein) means not sleeping enough, which is NOT helping the stress levels, which means more cortisol ruining everything….

[miraeluc]

you have an eating disorder

prompt: “you never had issues with food - that is until your boyfriend makes a remark about your weight.”

pairing: katsuki bakugo x female! reader

word count: 1.6k

warnings: MAJOR TW!! anorexia, there’s swearing

genre: fluff, angst 

NOTE: this is not proofread at all and it’s kinda short, i was struggling to finish it a lot, sorry :(

you were never one to pay special attention to your diet or anything

life is short, why spend it worrying about how your body looks?

food is food man, and you need it to live 

there was no fun in dieting either, it’s not like you were ever fat anyway - with daily training you were in shape!

sure there were thinner girls, but like i mentioned, you just liked enjoying food without having to worry about losing weight all the time 

your boyfriend, bakugo, just does not know how to express himself 

he’s not the type to really pay any mind to your figure, he finds you pretty anyway 

and its a plus anyway - whenever he feels full he can just push his plate towards you and you’ll gladly finish it for him 

that is until one day

you were sitting with the baku squad at lunch

mina was telling you about a new tiktok trend she had stumbled upon and found hilarious 

denki was currently fighting for his life against bakugo after saying his hair looked like he was just hit by an electricity quirk before he proceeded to zap him lightly 

kirishima was regretting all of his life decisions when he decided to try and help denki 

sero was just sat there,, recording it so he could show them just how stupid they looked afterwards

kirishima finally managed to pull said angry-boy away from kaminari 

you always said he’s like a little angry pomeranian when angry lol 

back to the plot omg i got carried away

after bakugo was calm enough to take his initial seat beside you, he was already too full and just overall not hungry

so he pushed his plate towards you 

“eat up, fatass.” he grumbled out

you just looked up at him with wide doe-eyes, not expecting an insult to slip off his tongue

it was bakugo, what’d you expect lmao 

you looked down at the plate, suddenly feeling very not hungry anymore, instead pushing the plate away as you grabbed your bag to stand up

“actually, i’ll head up to my room, i feel a bit sick”

you immediately left after that, not seeing the confused glances the table exchanged, mina smacking bakugo’s head

you went to your room and laid down, not knowing why bakugo’s comment had made you feel upset

you never get upset when he makes dumb remarks!!

so why now!!

oh 

you realised it when you were stood in front of the mirror, shirt lifted, staring at your own body

you did gain some weight.

you were upset at yourself because you usually didn’t mind!!

you know weight fluctuates, you know the small amount of chub you have will eventually pack it’s little bags and leave again 

but it hurt because you wanted to be pretty for your boyfriend.

how could you be when he says you’re a fatass?

eventually, you ended up scrolling through your phone, looking at thin girls all day

you also looked up a few diets that worked very fast 

by the time bakugo was aggressively knocking at your door you had closed all of the pages you were previously looking at 

as soon as you swung the door open he strutted in, seating himself on your bed

“what was with you running off at lunch today?” he looked at you��

you were still stood at your door like.... mm ok i guess make yourself at home 

“huh? i told you, i felt a little sick.” you mumbled, closing the door again, it was getting late and you were not looking to be beheaded by aizawa

he scoffed “if you say so.” he laid down, kicking your blanket to the side

“i brought you some snacks - incase you got hungry..” he said, his face looking like >:( 

he didn’t get them because he knew you liked them and wanted to make you happy! not at all!!

he just didn’t want to put up with you being whiny

that’s for sure the reason 

you giggled, throwing yourself ontop of him - sounds of protest coming from him but he did wrap his arms around you 

“since when are you so nice, katsuki?!” you teased

lol wrong move 

in 0.01 seconds you were flipped over and held down as he started tickling you 

“i’m not nice!”

the next morning you left extra early to avoid getting breakfast with bakugo

he didn’t seem to be bothered by it, he also has days where he just doesn’t feel like eating early in the morning so 

it does start to bother him when that one day of skipping breakfast turned into every day

his google search bar is like 

‘why does my gf not eat’

‘do girls not eat breakfast’

but this bitch is also too scared to approach you at first because he doesnt want you to know he truly cares 

his ego is still too high for that 

but you know better

you know he cares but sometimes you don’t feel good enough for him

you can’t help but compare yourself to other girls at your school

you distance yourself unknowingly, lost in the counting calories and exercising every day

everyone but you notices that you’re literally spiraling 

you don’t notice that you look sick, skin paling and cheekbones getting more prominent every passing day 

you don’t notice the growing eyebags under your eyes 

all you notice is other pretty girls and how you want to look like them.

at first, your friends decide to give you some space, thinking that maybe you have to fix this within yourself and need space

and you do, but someone needs to snap you out of your little bubble 

that someone is bakugo 

so it goes like this 

during training, he noticed your legs being a little more wobbly than usual 

and he noticed that you were unfocused, not being able to dodge all of the enemies attacks 

but something inside of him snaps when aizawa has to stop the fight because you were not even fighting back anymore

before aizawa even arrived in front of you, your world went black and you collapsed

bakugo was so angry at your training enemy 

didn’t they fucking see your struggle?? 

did they really have to be stopped by their teacher??

would they even have stopped if it werent for aizawa?? 

probably not

but he didnt have time to go and yell at them because he was running towards you 

aizawa let him pick you up

“bring her to recovery girl.”

of course he did 

everyone watching was so shocked 

because bakugo didn’t let out a sound the entire time 

his face was pulled into a frown, as usual, but he wasn’t speaking- no, yelling

he showed past his classmates, walking towards recovery girl’s office

“ribbit, why was he so quiet?”

recovery girl was like ?!?!?! what the fuck happened when was the last time she ate

she had to give you a total parenteral nutrition

(that means nutrition/fluids are delivered into your body via a catheter placed in a vein of your body, usually lower arm)

when you woke up bakugo was sat next to the bed, reading the back of some medicine bottle he found there

when he noticed you awake he perked up a little, shoulders visibly relaxing

“what happened?” 

he narrowed his eyes, wondering for a second if you were serious 

“you’re starving yourself to near death, that’s what happened.”

you immediately grimaced

“did i pass out in front of everyone?”

“is that seriously what you’re worried about?!”

you remained quiet, looking away

“y/n, look at me.” he gently guided your head to face him

“i don’t know what drove you to do this to yourself, but i need you to stop. you’re going to die if you don’t stop. what idiot made you think you need to do this to yourself?! i’ll kill them!”

..

“you told me i was a fatass”

his jaw dropped

fuck

“you know i don’t mean when i insult you! i hide the fucking fact that i WANT you to eat by using insults! i’m so sorry..”

his voice went soft at the end

he truly felt so bad :(

he was the one that was supposed to protect you from others hurting you yet here he was, being the one that caused you to hink you weren’t worthy enough

“i know, but there’s so many much more prettier girls than me, i was afraid you’d lose feelings if i wasn’t thin enough.”

“are you kidding?! you’re the only one i have eyes for! all those other extra’s can fuck off, i don’t give a single shit about them!”

you were kinda tearing up

“do you promise?”

god, he felt so bad.

he sat on the edge of the bed, reluctantly pulling you in a hug 

“i promise”

from that day on he made sure to remind you to eat meals, even if it was just something small

he ripped everyone’s heads off if they made a comment about your eating habits and/or weight

and he made sure you were the only one he loved

the day he saw you collapse something broke inside of him

it opened his eyes that hiding his emotions from you wouldn’t help you in your relationship

so while he supported you to build your feelings of self-worth and eating habits, you helped him start to open up, teaching him that showing emotions wasn’t embarassing

no one else knew how soft he could get with you and it should stay that way

you had a long way to go but it was all worth it in the end

he was your little angry pomeranian <33

requests: open

read rules before requesting.

[9tzuyu]

dissolve (rewrite)

natasha x reader

note: this was just a huge vent fic idk. these type of fics seem to be the only thing im okay at writing. mistakes are mine as always. but i did proofread, yay!

if you want to read the original (as awful as it is) you can read it here!

wanrings: this heavily revolves around eating disorders.

i’m not tagging anyone because the content isn’t really the lightest to read.

words are used everyday, everywhere – whether to describe something or someone. there’s thousands upon thousands of them.

so you were having a hard time figuring out why you were struggling so much to justify your feelings through the basis of words. it was unnerving, draining and very annoying. your emotions should be simple, right? you were either sad or happy, angry or scared. but there was something more, something unexplainable. saying you felt alone only scratched the surface of the wave of emotion that took over. it was excruciatingly painful, far worse than any physical pain you ever had to endure. and for some reason it seemed to come crashing down at night while natasha slept peacefully. you weren't exactly sure how to express your emotions to the extent you felt them. how else was anyone supposed to understand your pain? they couldn't, not unless they could somehow shift into your body and feel your emotions themselves. but that was merely impossible as such powers do not exist. so you were inevitably stuck with words foreign to your lips. over the years you were deemed unsafe, a hazard, "an accident waiting to happen" you recall one doctor say. everyone’s eyes were on you at all times, monitoring every little movement you made. it was suffocating and at times doing more damage than good.

as an adult now you learned how freeing it could be without the fear of gaining weight or eating a bowl full of rainbow marshmallow cereal. your worth was not defined by your weight.

(at least that's what you believed prior to any relapses.) everything was going well in your life. you were a college graduate working as a psychiatric nurse and you had found love, something your teenage self could only dream of. natasha was by your side through everything. and really, the only downfall in the relationship was that she had to travel a lot for her job. but you were secure enough in your relationship not to worry or decide to call things off. in the end natasha always made up for it when she came back, so you couldn't complain too much. things were going well for you, really, they were. until they weren't. (and you didn't know why.) it happened out of nowhere. work was a little more stressful than usual, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. natasha had been away for three months, only stopping by a few times to check in on you. but again, your wife being away for so long wasn't anything new or worrisome. the two of you had followed the routine of her leaving and coming back more than a thousand times; yet somewhere along the way you lost yourself. food became less of a priority, your hunger decreased drastically, and within the first month you'd lost thirteen pounds. it truly was an accident, slipping into a full blown relapse was never part of the plan. but thirteen pounds lighter you wanted more, to feel small again. you didn't have an answer as to why you became so attached to your eating disorder, but it didn't seem like it would be letting go any time soon. the rate at which you were going natasha would most definitely be able to see a difference; not only on your weight, but in the person you once were. she'd ask what happened and why it happened, poking and prodding for an answer, but you didn't have one. so here you stood in the kitchen of your shared home, a cup of sliced fruit in one hand and your cell phone in the other. you poured the fruit into the bottom of a blender along with a spoonful of yogurt and half a cup of soy milk. another half cup of ice followed suit. while the fruit blended, you shamelessly scrolled through your instagram. there was nothing interesting going on in other people's lives, you didn't even know why you had social media in the first place. it was dumb, and quite frankly you didn't give a shit whether or not sharon went to the beach. the sound of your blender coming to a halt brought your attention back to the real world. you poured your smoothie into your water bottle. the green liquid would be your breakfast and lunch for the day - dinner was still up for debate. a soft sigh left your lips. work was beginning to feel more like a chore and less of something you enjoyed. you were quickly growing tired of it. nonetheless, you grabbed your keys and rushed out of the door.

you thought about the irony of working as a psychiatric nurse with an undealt eating disorder telling teenagers how to deal with their own issues. you felt hypocritical to say the least, especially given that all the nasty side effects were starting to make themselves known.

your hair was beginning to thin, small clumps of it already starting to fall out when you tugged a little too hard. bruises could be seen scattered left and right on your body, and you were cold. god you were cold. your fingernails were tinted blue, warmth seemingly too far out of reach. you looked ill, and it didn't go unnoticed by your coworkers.

a few hours into your shift you found yourself sitting behind the nurses station filling out paperwork. lunch had passed and when your coworker, steve, asked if you were going to eat something you lied straight through your teeth, telling him you'd grab something when the patients were eating dinner.

but steve rogers could read you like an open book. he knew you were lying because he already knew what was going on. the signs of an eating disorder were quite obvious when you were a licensed therapist. and despite your futile attempts at hiding it, everyone could tell something wasn't right.

steve played it by ear for weeks until he contacted natasha, but by then you'd already lost a considerable amount of weight. as soon as she heard the news, natasha booked the next flight home. unfortunately for her though, there was only one flight and she would have to wait two and a half weeks before being able to leave.

you didn't know it, but those were the longest two and a half weeks natasha ever had to wait.

– patients were having group therapy, so you could tune them out - not that you should, but it was hard to focus when the only two things you could think about were food and your weight.

the need to lose weight sounded so stereotypical for someone with an eating disorder, but honestly it wasn't about that. it was never about wanting to be thin. you genuinely didn't know why this was happening. the only thing you noticed was how rewarding it felt seeing the number go down, as if for you were good for becoming less. it was addictive. and it didn't help that you based your entire worth on how much you could lose.

the next time you stood up from behind the nurses station steve met you in the the cafeteria. while the patients ate you took occasional sips from your smoothie. the bottle was still full of its contents from the morning. you had completely forgotten to drink it during the day, but you didn't seem to mind it that much.

the surprise touch of steve's hand on your shoulder startled you.

i am gross, you thought. do not do that.

steve caught onto the slight flinch your body produced as a reflex, but he didn't say anything about it.

"you can leave early, boss said so."

he laughed as he saw confusion plaster your face.

"what? no!"

"go home, seriously. we have this handled. you know tony doesn't like being told no."

you bit your lip, puzzled by the sudden request. most people wouldn't mind being sent home early, but all it did for you was give you a level of anxiety reserved for food.

what you didn't know was that natasha was home waiting for your arrival. she came back just short of an hour after you left for work.

while you were gone natasha made a few thorough rounds in the house looking for key signs of your eating disorder. there was bound to be evidence given that you didn't know she was home.

unsurprisingly, natasha found a glass scale beside the counter of the bathroom floor along with empty bottles of laxatives in the trashcan. the food in the fridge had been expired a few days past their date, giving her the indication that you weren't eating as much as you should be. her concern grew even more when she found your food journal on your nightstand. flipping the pages, natasha could see that throughout the moths she'd been gone your calorie intake had decreased significantly.

guilt began to gnaw at the back of her throat.

during the few days natasha stopped by, she hadn't noticed anything wrong with you. but then again she knew most people with eating disorders were very good at hiding them up until the point they were discovered. three days wasn't near enough time for her to catch onto your tricks, not when her mind was still focused on her job.

natasha always listened intently whenever you would talk about your eating disorder, the first time being six months into the relationship on a date you felt like you had ruined.

but talking about it was much different than experiencing it with you, natasha had never done that before up until now. she read nearly every article there was about anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and ednos. sometimes when you were asleep she would watch documentaries on the disorder, always making sure to keep her volume at a low level.

the videos that hurt her the most were the ones teenagers struggling with the simple task of eating food.

(although natasha knew it wasn't that simple.)

it hurt because she knew that was you at some point in time.

upon your arrival, natasha cooked dinner. she wanted to hold onto the one sliver of hope that steve was wrong - that he was just overreacting - but she knew in her heart he was right about his assumption. however, dinner would only confirm what natasha so desperately wanted to deny.

when you walked through the door you were greeted with the overwhelming scent of food. you cringed at the thought of having to eat, but as soon as you looked up to see the redhead who'd been gone for so long your frown was washed away. a wide smile overtook your face and you rushed to jump into natasha's arms.

"i missed you so much," you whispered. "i thought you'd be gone for another few weeks?"

natasha's arms found their way around your waist as your legs wrapped around hers. "what? i can't come home early to surprise my wife?" you giggled in the crook of her neck. she smiled feeling the vibrations against her skin, happy to know that you'd missed her just as much as she missed you.

she sat you down, back facing you, she tended to the food. "you've lost weight," she commented, not missing the sharp inhale of your breath.

"how was work, nat?"

she nodded to herself. yeah, she didn't expect you to be so open on the first try.

"it was fine. dinner's ready, i made your favorite!" natasha threw a smile in your direction as she carried the plates over to the table. she had hoped to see your face light up the way it used to, but seeing the panicked look in your eyes further confirmed your relapse.

if nothing else, natasha wanted you to have a meal before she brought up the conversation.

"great... i love it, thank you nat!" your attempt at being enthusiastic failed miserably and you knew by the look she gave you, she already knew what was going on.

but throughout the meal, and despite the shakiness of your hand as it gripped the metal fork, natasha didn't say anything.

you weren't really sure which was worse; being confronted or knowing the both of you knew what the other was thinking and still not addressing it.

natasha's meal was good, you couldn't lie about that, but each bite you chewed caused the tightening in your chest to constrict further.

now you couldn't be good. or worthy. or deserving.

nat took away your plate when you were halfway through. she knew your limits, and she didn't want to push you too much out of your comfort zone.

"go change, i'll wash our dishes. meet you on the couch?"

you did as you were told, taking as long as you could to do so. except this time was different. you didn't glance in the mirror like you usually did, you chose to fully take in your figure.

what you saw was not what you expected to see. for the first time in months you saw a version of yourself that wasn't twisted and turned to be something you didn't know was real or not.

your skin was dry, hair thinned out beyond your belief, eyes sunken and dark underneath. the revelation gave you an odd feeling – was once again something unexplainable, unjustifiable by words.

good.

that was how you were supposed to feel, right? after all of this time, after the many pounds of protection and warmth lost, you were supposed to feel good.

but you didn't. and you never would.

there was something so surreal about the realization of your own destruction. you were aware now, which meant you had to either take responsibility or choose to lose everything you worked so hard for.

"y/n?"

your wife's voice snapped you out of your gaze and you scrambled to pile your dirty clothes and rush out of the bedroom.

as you made your way into the living room you could feel the intensity of natasha's gaze. any other time you would not mind her green eyes looking at you, but this time around you felt like you were in trouble.

she patted the empty spot next to her, to which you reluctantly joined. but even after everything you still tried to play it cool.

"what's up? is everything okay?"

she gave a low chuckle, "you tell me."

"what do you mean?"

"oh i think you know what i mean."

natasha’s reply was met with the loudest silence you ever had to sit through.

she bit her lip, "you know i got a call from steve a few weeks ago. he's concerned about you, and from what he's told me so am i."

you were quick to respond, automatically knowing what steve’s phone call was about. "i'm fine. so what if i've lost a couple of pounds? that doesn't automatically mean that im relapsing, natasha."

your quick snap reminded natasha that this kind of confrontation was like walking on eggshells.

she tilted her head, licking her lips. "i'm here with you, always." nat put a hand to the side of your face, gently rubbing her thumb at the top of your cheekbone. "i'm here."

it seemed pointless now to try and say anything because your secret was already out.

your mind began racing back and forth.

you wanted to keep what you knew best and natasha understood that. even by reading your body language she knew what you were debating.

"you know, to keep it you have to give it away." your eyes darted to meet hers. "mhm. you can still have that piece of you. mourn it, grieve it, do whatever you need to do to move onto a stage where it doesn't hurt you. and from there you can help other people, share your experience, let yourself heal by helping others."

she paused, “we all have choices. some of those choices are taken from you while others leave you with only one option.”

although what she said seemed to resonate with you, there was one thing still holding you back.

"i just want to be good."

natasha hummed. you had explained it to her in the past, though your words were jumbled together as you tried to describe it.

"you can be good in other ways. you're allowed to live a life outside of the barriers your eating disorder puts in the way."

you swallowed the lump in the back of your throat. "i don't even know how it got to this point. in january i enjoyed ihop and dennys. in february i could have oatmeal and bananas, sometimes half of a sandwhich if i was feeling brave. now it’s march and i only eat one or two things a day. the idea of having a full meal makes me want to cry. and i just- i don't know how to stop."

natasha wouldn't show it, but your words cut through her heart like a knife. her mind wandered briefly to all the teenagers in the documentaries she'd watched, hoping you weren't too far gone into your eating disorder to ever come back. those cases scared her the most.

"you've got my complete support. you've tackled this before, maybe this time you can beat it? i know its easier to abuse your body instead of growing comfortable in it, but i think you’ve got this. i know you do."

"what about your work?" your question caused natasha to frown. "you think i wouldn't set my job aside for you?" you shrugged, it's not like you felt like you were worth being taken care of anyway.

natasha grew hesitant to tell you her news, but did it anyway because she’d rather you hate her than see you dead. "i've already made some appointments for you. the first one is tomorrow morning."

"i figured you would natasha. it's okay."

you spaced yourself out the rest of the day. each time you made the executive decision to recover, whether that be a genuine recovery or not, the process never failed to remind you that even trying to recover from an eating disorder felt like mourning the loss of a friend who was never good for you in the first place.

[yikesharringrove]

I know it's dark and maybe you don't want to touch the subject and you've not been doing well lately but can I request one of the boys with an eating disorder? I can totally see Steve being restrictive or purging (anorexia or bulimia) or Billy with an obsession on being healthy (orthorexia)

So, I actually have another drabble request coming soon with orthorexic billy, so I’m gonna do one for our sweet boy stevie. Wanna wreck this babey

Trigger Warnings for: disordered eating (anorexia), hospitalization, and an ng feeding tube.

-

Steve’s mother had a drawer full of diet pills.

She would take a few with her wine, and be much too full, no really she couldn’t dream of having another bite whenever dinner rolled around.

She would smile sadly at Steve and pinch at the softness of his belly, tell him darling, our looks are all we have.

And the diet pills were an easy solution.

Steve stole a few bottles. Not that she would even notice, began taking them to replace dinner. Then to replace breakfast and dinner.

Then he just, kinda stopped eating.

He would have something every few days, a few crackers or a spoonful of peanut butter, when the groans of his stomach were unbearable.

But then he learned to ignore it, to file it away and go days without food.

He kept the weight off.

Of course he did, he wasn’t putting anything in his body to balance it out.

And the thinner he got, the thinner he wanted to be.

He stopped working out.

Didn’t have much in the way of energy for it anyway.

And then his muscles were gone, and you could see his ribs through his skin.

Our looks are all we have.

He liked tracing his bones as he lay in bed at night, liked how delicate his collar bones felt, how sharp his hip bones were.

It didn’t matter that he’d wake up the next morning with a migraine and clumps of hair on the pillow.

His softness was gone, his cheeks weren’t pinch able anymore.

His parents came home to an empty fridge, and an empty drawer where diet pills used to be.

His father sneered at him, told him he looked like death warmed over.

His mother fussed with his clothes, tried to get them to fit right.

Nothing fit right.

But it didn’t matter.

Because he had his looks.

It doesn’t matter if his skin was waxy, or his hair was thinning.

Because his elegant bones stood out so beautifully.

“Jesus, Harrington.”

Billy was staring at him, staring at him like he wasn’t elegant. “You’re. Real skinny.” Steve tried to sit back up, tug on his shirt and kick Billy out of his house.

But he didn’t have enough energy to push Billy off him.

He couldn’t help getting angry, snapping at Billy.

“What about it, Hargrove?” Billy furrowed his brows, rolling off of Steve to sit next to him on the bed.

“Are you, like, are you anorexic?”

He watched Steve’s muscles shift under his skin as he sat up.

“You look-”

“I look how I want.”

“There’s no way you want this. Steve, you look like a fucking skeleton.” Steve pulled the blankets up of himself. Billy wouldn’t understand. “Why are you doing this?”

Because of a mother that always said our looks are all we have and Steven, must you eat like such a piglet? and a father that would say if you were a girl I’d tell you to marry well and people respect you if you’ve got money and looks. Don’t be an idiot and lose them.

“It’s what I want.”

“It’s killing you.” Billy’s eyes were wide. “Steve, you’ve gotta, like, go to the hospital or something. I don’t even know what to do.” He looked panicked, his hands clenching and unclenching by his sides.

“You don’t have to do anything.”

But then Steve stood up.

His vision always fuzzed at the edges these days, but sometimes it just went black.

He woke up some time later, a dull pain in his head.

He opened bleary eyes, found himself in a hospital bed.

He glared at Billy sitting next to him. Billy glared right back.

“Why am I here?” His voice was raspy, his throat hurt.

Billy rolled his eyes, scoffing at him.

“Isn’t it fucking obvious?” Steve went to wipe at his nose, found a tube taped to his face, shoved up his nostril. His eyes went wide. “Yeah. Feeding tube.”

“What the fuck?”

“Look, you fucking passed out and I wanted to make sure you weren’t concussed. Basically, you’re fine but severely malnourished, so, feeding tube.”

“Fuck you.” Steve slumped against the bed. He had half a mind to yank the thing right out of him.

“Yeah, whatever.” Billy mirrored him, slumping back in the chair, his arms crossed over his chest. “Just, a lot of shit made sense, I guess. Every time I suggest a dinner date, you get this weird look in your eye. And you never eat the popcorn when we go to the movies.”

Steve looked down at his hands.

“How long?” Billy’s voice was soft again.

“I don’t even know. I’ve always, I don’t think I’ve ever felt good about myself.” He was fidgeting with his fingers.

Since when were they like that? So pale and frigid. They looked like skeleton hands.

“Steve, you do realize you’re hurting yourself, right? Like I mean, you’re just slowly starving to death.”

“Maybe that was the idea. To die in the slowest, most painful way I could on the off chance that someone would actually notice. Would bother to care.”

“I did. I noticed. I care.” Steve gave him a look.

“Not for nothing, but we’ve gone on like, six dates, and were just about to fuck when you got weirded out by my body. Not exactly the best reaction I’ve had.”

“Yeah, but at least I reacted.” Billy’s jaw was tense. He checked his watch. “They called your mom. She consented to have you admitted. You’re keepin’ the feeding tube and doin’ all kindsa therapy and shit. Your mom gave a big ol’ performance. I could hear her screaming through the phone about my precious, beautiful baby!” Billy put on a high voice to imitate her.

“So, they’re institutionalizing me?”

“Nah. You just can’t be trusted right now, so they’re getting you help.”

“So, it’s more like prison.”

“If prison was nicer and you got food shot through your special nose tube and a therapist told you how worthwhile you are every day.” Steve cracked a little smile at that. Just a tiny one.

“Will you visit me?”

“Probably not. I think if I did, they’d lock me up too.” Billy grinned as Steve laughed lightly. “‘Course I’ll visit.”

“Did they say how long?”

“Tops, a month. But your mom was babblin’ about some rehab center in Ottowa that her friend’s sister’s cabana boy’s cousin’s wife’s daughter’s husband went to, or some shit like that.”

“Isn’t rehab like, drugs?”

“Not necessarily.” Billy huffed, his face going serious. “I want you to, like, try. Talk your shit out in therapy and try to work up to eating on your own. I want you to be healthy.”

“But what if, what if my healthy is, like, a little bigger?” Steve had always had a little tummy, some extra meat on his hips and thighs, a round ass.

“Then I’ll fucking welcome it. I don’t care what your healthy looks like. I just want it.”

“You won’t when you realize I’m fat.”

“Yeah? Why not?” Billy had a challenge in his voice, had a sharpness in his eye.

Steve just shook his head.

“Okay, I  seriously, don’t care if your body is big. If you’re happy, and you’re healthy, I don’t fucking care. There’s nothing bad about being fat.”

“Yeah? Tell that to my mother.” Steve scrunched his nose. The tube was uncomfortable, threaded through his nose and down his throat. The tape securing it to his face was itchy, and really, he just wanted to rip the damn thing out. “I don’t wanna hear what she’s gonna say.”

“I’ll stay here the whole time. Tell her to stuff it when she gets goin’.”

Steve smiled at him weakly.

“I just meant, like. If I start getting fat again.”

Billy narrowed his eyes. 

“I think you meant, when you start getting healthy. Because you will. And that will come with weight gain, but that’s not bad. Having fat, being fat isn’t bad, Steve. I know you really don’t believe me right now, but I hope you will. Because it sucks seeing you hurt yourself when I think you’re still absolutely amazing no matter how your body looks.”

Jesus, it was so goddamn sweet. Kinda made Steve melt a little bit inside.

“I, uh, thanks. Thank you, Billy.”

Billy reached forward to take one of Steve’s hands in his. One of his cold, thin, hands. It was shocking, the difference between his hand and Billy’s. It was so much paler, so much thinned despite his hand being overall bigger.

“I’m kinda. I’m kinda scared. Is that stupid?”

“No. Getting better is probably gonna be hard. But, it’s important. You’re, important.” A deep flush was creeping up Billy’s neck, but he was holding eye contact with Steve. “And I’ll be around for you. If you want.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I want you around.”

Billy brought their hands up to press a kiss to the back of Steve’s hand.

“Then I’ll be there.”

[ononpetitecroissant]

I’M BACK

Hello guys. I saw that i didn’t lost that many followers while being inactive.

I will tell you how i’m feeling right now and if you don’t wanna read it, it’s okay honey. Just scroll. 

So, i deleted tumblr when i saw myself getting better from anorexia and depression, and i never really deleted my blog, but never really got back.  Now i am feeling depressed again because i broke up ( News! i got a boyfriend! And news again: i think he kinda abused me <3 ) and it’s really hard to get over it.  But guys, quarantine is really affecting my mood. i know why i feel like shit. 

BUT, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING 

I FELT GOOD FOR LIKE, SOME MONTHS IN MY LIFE. AND BRO, I NEED TO TELL YOU HOW IT IS AND HOW I DID IT. 

I woke up everyday in the FIRST ALARM.

I did my tasks without thinking about it, like folding clothes. 

I did my skin routine for months!!1!! 

I now see myself like the strong woman i am :) 

How i did it:

1 - get some sun I HATE SUN. But omw to school, i took like, 20mins of my life soaking sun. and gosh, you really learn to like it. It feels so much better. It can cure any “i didnt do anything today” day

2 - fucking eat. i dont care if you are like “LOL I EAT LIKE A PIG” good. then eat like a pig. i just want you to eat, its okay if you gain weight because you are beautiful in any way you body gets to look like.

3 - SLEEP AT THE SAME TIME EVERYDAY i couldnt do it for weeks, and i only got around to doing it because my school is... whats the word for “all day schools?” so i slept the moment i got home. it makes life so much easier, i promise you baby

4 - stop saying “i wanna die” every minute you are just reinforcing bad habits and when you do it you end up feeling like shit all the time. also, it makes is easier for the people who like you, to know when things are really going bad, and it’s not just you.

5 - seriously. don’t joke about it.  If you say it in a daily basis, you will eventually believe it and it will make you feel empty all. the. fucking. time. 

6 - learn about things.  if everything you can do its put on a netflix documentary and dissociate the whole time, thats enough. thats good. 

7 - sometimes you gotta pretend you’re okay. no, dont bottle your feelings, accept you are feeling bad, and kinda, carry on, try not holding to the feeling, and try to pretend you are excited for little things. eventually you will be.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU. IF YOU NEED A LITTLE LOVE YOU CAN ALWAYS TALK TO ME BABYYY, I CAAARE AND I AM FUCKING PROUD PROUD PROUD OF HOW YOU ARE TAKING THIS SITUATION. SHIT. 

i love you bebby. 

[hatsukeii]

can i request a tsukishima scenario? When he is feeling sad so his fem! S/o pampers him with kisses in his face and hands, and maybe cuddles 🥺🥺

*cough angst with fluff ending *cough

I have to make it up to you guys for the last Tsukki angst right?

Before slamming another multitude of depressing scenarios but don’t worry about that for now.

lol I genuinely love this prompt so much though, tysm anon!

Always, I’ll care//Tsukishima x Reader

Word count: 2000+

Warnings: Mild swearing, mentions of divorce, mentions of anorexia, ✨cyberbullying✨

Summary: Tsukishima’s been out of it for week but you can’t seem to pinpoint why, until he finally reaches out.

Yeah, you were absolutely certain that something was up with Kei at this point. There was, without a doubt, something that had been bothering him terribly. Whatever this thing was, it was draining him of his usual spirit. The usual glint of mischief that sparkled in his eyes has been gone for weeks, now replaced by a dull golden. He hasn’t bantered with any of his teammates throughout the last few practices, he hasn’t made an extra effort to make you feel short, nor has he reached out to anyone at all. His sharp tongue was gone, along with his usual tendencies to taunt other students. You haven’t been able to reach him in what felt like forever. He hasn’t replied to any of your texts, hasn’t walked you home at all, nor has he invited you over for your study dates. This felt weird. This didn’t feel right at all. This wasn’t the Kei you were used to, but at the same time you had no idea what you could do to make him feel better. He was too closed off for his own good, keeping everything to himself and letting his worries eat him up from the inside.

You heaved a heavy sigh, shoving your books into your locker. He had ignored your text again. This was the seventh one in a row that he had left on seen. Everyone who knew him was worried, especially you and Yamaguchi. He refused to tell even Yamaguchi what was up with him these days.You two had all the reasons in the world to be extra wary of his mental state. “(Y/N), you don’t think he’s okay either, do you?” The freckled boy mumbled next to you, grabbing his notes from the locker next to yours. “No, he’s definitely not okay. Constantly having his headphones on is never a good sign. The last time he was like that was when his parents got divorced.” You slammed your locker door shut as hard as you can, earning quite a few glares from other students that were startled by the noise. “Jesus, I haven’t been able to reach him for weeks. What the hell happened?” You pressed your forehead to the locker door, squeezing your eyes shut. “He’s been out of it at practice too. Tsukki almost never misses his blocks against anyone, but he’s been doing terribly in practice. Coach Ukai had to put him on the bench last week. What’s up with him?” Yamaguchi recalled, shaking his head a bit. “Hell, as if I’d know. I’ve been trying to check up on him for weeks, but he’s left all of my texts on read.” You removed your head from the metal door, before heading to class, where you had to deal with a dead silent, gloomy, angsty Tsukishima for about an hour, before school ended. 

You were curled up on your bed, a million thoughts rampaging through your mind, every single one of them being about Kei. It’s been half an hour since school ended. You walked home with Yamaguchi. Tsukishima was nowhere to be found. It was as if he had abandoned you two and left on his own. No, scratch that, he probably did leave alone. Was he doing okay? What happened to him? Did he fail a test or something? Oh no, did his parents get back together again? Even worse, did he get invited to his dad’s wedding with his new wife? Or maybe he was just fed up with you? Wait, what did you do? Did you piss him off? Oh god, it must’ve been the time where you forgot to bring him that strawberry shortcake you promised to make him. Or was it that time you were late for your date and he almost didn’t make it in time for the premiere of that new Jurassic Park movie? Your train of thoughts was rudely interrupted by the ringing of your phone. You lazily slapped a hand across your nightstand, grabbing your phone from the charger and pulling it towards you. Your eyes widened at the contact that was shown on the screen. You sat up at an inhumanly speed, accepting the call as you brought your phone to your ear. “Kei?” “(Y/N), can you- can you come over? Please- please come over.” He was audibly sobbing, tiny sniffs making their way into his sentences. “Oh-oh god, yeah, of course, I’ll be there in five, stay put, don’t worry.” You changed into a random pair of sweats, and took off to Tsukishima’s house, grabbing a bunch of candy and some shortcake on the way, just to make him feel a bit better.

You slowly creaked open the door to his room, taking a peek. The blond haired boy was sitting in front of his laptop, a hand over his mouth as tears slowly dropped onto the keys. His eyes were bloodshot, presumably from all the crying. His phone was in his other hand, the knuckles of his fingers white from gripping the piece of technology so tight. Your heart clenched at the sight. It was as if an entire army fired arrows at your heart simultaneously, and all the arrows managed to pierce through that pulsing lump of muscle. The boy, that you cared for so dearly, was breaking down, and no one knew except for you. “Kei....” You opened the door a bit more, lightly treading on the wooden floor of his room as you approached the taller male. “Am I worthless?” The blond whimpered out, his eyes never leaving the screen. Your gaze landed onto the computer screen. You gave out an audible growl after reading what was shown on the monitor.

From: Unknown

To: Tsukishima Kei

Dear Tsukishima,

I hope you know that you’re the reason your parents got divorced, you little shit. I wish for no one to ever love you. Everyone that dates you should only date you out of pity. You’re worthless. No one truly cares about you. You could kill yourself and no one would notice, you anorexic blond bitch. Stay your ass scrawny while everyone buffs up xx

Sincerely, Your dad- oh wait you wish, he probably can’t even remember who you are

Your face darkened at the disgusting email that was sent to your boyfriend. How dare someone say such hurtful things to him. Tsukishima sighed, his head hanging low. “You can’t even answer it. I already know I’m worthless, I don’t need you to rub it in either. I thought you could help.” Your head snapped towards the blond, misbelief and rage shining through the look you gave him. “Kei, how long have you been receiving emails like this? Why didn’t you tell me-” “Just answer me first.” You were taken aback by his tone. It was hurt, definitely, but almost in a hopeless way. You brought your hand up to cup his tear stained cheek, drying it with your thumb as your other hand went up to ruffle his hair. “How could you ever be worthless? Even if everyone else thought you were worthless, I’d still think you’re the most precious thing in the world, and you better not let anyone tell you otherwise.” Tsukishima let out a strained sob, nuzzling his face into your warm hand, before taking a deep breath. “This person, whoever it is, they’ve been sending me these emails for a few weeks. At first, they weren’t that bad, but then it started to get personal. They attacked my family situation, my relationship, and my body.” Your nose scrunched up in disgust. “What kind of sick freak attacks someone’s family situation?” The blond shakily sighed. “Apparently this person.” You shook your head, shoving your face into your hand. “We all know they got divorced because your mom caught him cheating. It’s clearly not your fault. You dad was in the wrong and you know it.” He sulked a bit, before continuing. “Well they’ve also been calling me anorexic for weeks.” 

Your eyebrows furrowed at this new information. Never in a million years did you think Kei would think so heavily of his own body image. He always struck you as a carefree, unbothered person. Who would’ve known he was so insecure underneath it all? “Kei, why didn’t you tell me about all this?” “I didn’t want you to worry. I thought I could deal with this on my own, but then they started bringing up by dad and me looking anorexic. Apparently I’m too skinny for anyone to appreciate. No one wants an anorexic person. I’m not even anorexic but I’m getting offended by this. I can’t help being lanky you know.” You heaved a dry chuckle. “Seriously? Body image issues? Tsukishima god damn Kei look at yourself and tell me you have a terrible body. Do it.” He was visibly shocked, looking down at himself. “Exactly. You can’t.” Your hand went down to grab his, pulling him on his feet. You pulled his sleeve up, giving his shoulder a tiny peck. “Look at you. You’re built like a whole ass Greek God. You’re like lowkey ripped, how in hell’s name did you manage to believe in that asshole’s emails?” Next, you led his hand to your face, giving each finger a kiss. “Somehow your fingers are still intact for me to hold, even after winning so many sets with your insane blocks.” You let go of his hand, slowly trailing your fingers along his face. “Your eyes are deadass the most perfect thing. I don’t think I can enjoy the sun anymore, your eyes are enough for me to get mesmerised in.” You pulled his face down, giving both his eyelids a tender peck. You squeezed his cheeks, before squishing them between your palms. “You may be lanky and muscular, but your cheeks are still as squishy as ever. I love squishing them so much, they’re like a baby’s cheeks.” With that, you gave both his cheeks a peck, before finally moving to his forehead, giving it a gentle kiss. “Right here, is where the magic is put to work. Everything you’ve been through, learned, felt, all stored right here. Your mind is quite the battlefield, constantly giving you conflicting thoughts about yourself. You’re still dealing with everything that’s been thrown on you. From your parent’s divorce, to your brother’s lie, to the shitty emails. But that mind of yours, also managed to find a way to block THE Ushijima Wakatoshi. It’s aced so many exams for you, it’s helped you get to me, and it’s helped you make up those snarky one liners that you love to use so much. I know what I say might not make any significant difference, but I just want to let you know how I feel. I think you’re a complete badass, a hotshot middle blocker, and one of the hottest people I’ve landed my eyes on. So many people care about you, so please never render yourself worthless. Please.” At this point, Tsukishima had stopped crying, now looking at you with wide eyes. “How could your words ever be insignificant to me?” His arms were instantly wrapped around you, pushing you into his chest. It was dead silent in the room. You could hear his heartbeat in your ear. “Thank you... so, so much.” His voice cracked a bit as he whispered. You moved your head up, giving him a soft, but passionate kiss, keeping your forehead in contact with his. “You don’t have to thank me, I was only stating the truth. Plus, you better report that asshole to the school, they’re gonna get what they deserve when the teachers find out who it is.” He pulled away, grabbing your hand and lacing his fingers with yours. “Why do you care so much anyways? You sent me like seven texts in a row at school. You should be pissed at me or something. I did leave you on read for weeks after all.” You laughed heartily, before drawing circles on his hand with your thumb.

“Always, I’ll care, dumbass.”

Is this fluffy enough for you guys? Probably not considering it’s still like part angst lmao but idc have fun reading it the angst will be back in a bit my dudes and I’m about to make Tsukishima suffer again I’m sorry I love him too but like I crave angst xx

Tags:

@izzyphantomgamer @sunshines-and-tatertots @tiger1719 @artsamber @talks-a-lot-of-stuff @for-ests @fluffy-bokuto @bokutokoutarou @just-another-bored-writer @macaronnv @kaylacinderella @random-fandomlover

If you wanna be tagged just comment or pm bc I don’t know that many people on tumblr yet:)

[dekuscrybaby]

Bakugou with a reader that is anorexic? Maybe bc she wants to look better in her hero outfit or she wants to be more like the rest of the girls in 1-A? Sorry if it’s a triggering topic!

hi, love!! thank you for requesting this!! i’m sorry it took a bit of time, i had to do a little bit of research so i don’t offend anyone who is dealing with something like this. i’m hoping i did i decent job at this but i’m sorry if it’s inaccurate or offensive, please feel free to educate me if something is wrong or too stereotypical. this is considered a triggering topic so i’ll be sure to add a warning and put the hcs under the cut for the sake of everyone. before you read, i just want to say that if you are dealing with something like this that you’re beautiful!! everyone deserves to feel great in their skin and seeking help does not mean you’re weak or anything, i hope every one of you is well. please stay healthy and my inbox and dms are open if you ever just want to chat or get something off your chest! also remember that society sucks ass and their opinion does not matter, you’re freaking awesome regardless!

TW: eating disorder below the cut!!!

bakugou with a fem s/o who’s anorexic

i’m going to be honest with you and i’m sorry if this sounds blunt but it’s what i hc

bakugou does not care what you look like!!!

you will always and i mean ALWAYS be beautiful to him in his eyes

he might not say it but he genuinely believes you are the most beautiful girl he’s seen and that’s kinda obvious bc he’s with you for a reason and that’s bc you're beautiful inside and out 😌💅

you’re his distraction from hero work 😳 but he really doesn’t mind bc you’re so damn pretty

now actually addressing the request!

bakugou is deadass head empty on hero course work so he might not notice the subtle signs of anorexia

he does notice that you stopped eating lunch with him as much as you used to but you would always use the school work as an excuse

and who is he to deny his girl his education?

so you’re in the clear for a little while until he starts to notice you look a bit sick

your once vibrant eyes now look dead and sunken in

but he just thinks you’re staying up too late for homework

he can only remind you to sleep some more before putting that thought aside

he next notices how your hair begins to fall out in clumps when he tries to run his fingers through your hair 

“it’s an allergic reaction to this hair mask i did the other night” he doesn’t quite believe it but he doesn’t want to doubt you so he’ll let it slide again

he starts to become extra suspicious when he finally gets you to eat lunch with him after so long

he notices that you’re adding a bunch of numbers together while you’re pointing at each item in your lunch 

his eyebrows are furrowed and he’s questioning why you’re counting until he notices a litter of bruises along your arm as your blazer rides up a little

instantly grips your arm and questions you

“why’re you bruised?”

“huh?”

he glances down at your exposed thighs and notices that your skirt fits a lot looser than he remembers

now that he’s looking at it, your blazer seems to fit loose too, and your shirt

“babe, what’s going on?” his voice is stern but not too angry, he’s dialing it back for you

you rip your arm from his grip, wincing as your skin is a lot more sensitive since you’ve stopped eating

“nothing” you grumble before leaving the cafeteria and going into the bathroom 

you can’t help but glance over your reflection, feeling sick at what you see, but that’s not your fault, your mind has been taken over by this disorder

as you’re poking around your tummy and thighs, mumbling about how you feel “disgusting”

the bell rings and you sigh before walking back to class, avoiding bakugou on your way back

the lack of food in your system makes it hard for you to concentrate in class so you’re almost dozing off until you hear everyone move around and suddenly bakugou’s in front of your desk

“are you deaf or something now?”

“hmm?”

“we’re practicing hand-to-hand combat, go get dressed in your gym uniform”

you do as your you’re told, making sure to change in a bathroom stall bc you don’t want to hear any remarks from your friends over how “disgusting” you look

you walk out onto the training field and bakugou’s eyes rake over your figure and this uniform also fits a lot more looser than he remembers

he’s slowly piecing it together but it’s still not completely pieced

he’s still deep in thought trying to figure out what’s going on and that’s when you’re called up for your turn

the moment you begin to exert your body, you pass out

bakugou goes ape shit after this and does not hesitate to take you to the nurse’s office 

seeing as you’re lacking nutrients, your instantly hooked onto an iv so you can regain everything you’ve been losing up to this point

bakugou had to plead and beg in order for recovery girl to let him in on what was happening

it took a lot of pleading and begging

once he’s filled in, he feels like a shitty boyfriend for not noticing sooner and he plans to have a few words with you when you wake up

so when you do wake up, you feel a something rough circling on the back of your hand and you freak out a little

you accidentally tug on the iv and it makes you a little uncomfortable until bakugou begins to comfort you, trying to make sure you don’t injure yourself 

once you’re calm, he stares at you with this look in his eyes that looks both angry and concerned, but it’s more concerned than anything

“what the hell was going through your mind, dumbass?”

“what are you talking about?” you still don’t want him to know

he sighs, “the old hag told me everything already. please, just let me in, tell me what’s wrong.”

you look away from his intense stare “nothing’s wrong”

“y/n, you passed out during training! and it wasn’t even bc you’ve been overworking yourself, you’ve been starving yourself. what’s going on?”

something about the look in his eyes and tone of his voice brings out the tears

you didn’t mean to worry him, but you did

so you spill 

“i’m so sorry.”

“hey, hey, hey. don’t be sorry. just tell me what’s wrong, maybe i can help,” he rubs gentle circles into your wrist

“i just- i hate the way i look. every time i look at myself, i feel so gross. especially in my hero suit and i found myself wanting to be as thin as the other girls. so i thought that if i stopped eating or at least limited my calorie intake, i’d lose all the unwanted weight.”

as you’re telling your story, bakugou’s frowning because he feels like he could’ve done a better job at expressing just how perfect you are in his eyes

“i didn’t think this would lead me into passing out and worrying you, i’m sorry for being stupid.”

“damn right you were being stupid.” he responds with his gruff voice

“huh?”

“i can’t believe you believed that dumb voice in your head.”

“‘suki what are you talking about?”

“i’m saying that you’re actually the most perfect girl in our class and i can’t believe you can’t see that. you definitely did not need to lose weight but if you really wanted to be healthier then there are better methods you could’ve followed instead of just hurting yourself. i think you look absolutely stunning in everything you wear including your hero costume. you’re hands down the hottest student in the hero course, after me of course. you’re the hottest girl in this damn school.”

that second to last line makes you giggle quietly, which he’s so glad to hear 

“but seriously, you’re absolutely perfect in my eyes. don’t change yourself because you want to look like everyone else. you really scared the shit out of me, don’t do it again, please. i will literally hype the fuck out of you every morning until you start to see how you perfect you are. i love you okay?”

you could only smile and nod, “i love you too.”

[daddysfangirls-marvel]

Thor & Steve helping hands

Request 

Summary:  could you do a fic/hc where the reader is self-harming and anorexic and Thor and Steve get like really overprotective and slightly overbearing)

Warning: ( As someone who has suffered from self-harm and struggles with gaining weight and appetite this story took a lot out of me. I pulled from my own experiences. So please if you have negative options and comments keep them to yourself) Self-harm, anorexia, language, fluff 

Thor Odinson

head canon 

I don’t think Thor would have a lot of experience with self- harm or anorexic. Asgard seemed like a very body positive place that wouldn’t even me something he heard of and self-harm is more of a private situation. If it was happening very little people knew about it.

Asgardians are a very prideful and strong people

Being with Anorexic Thor would notice when they’re not eating are eating very little. But at first he wouldn’t say anything he knows how Misgardian are about their diets.

It isn’t until he starts paying a bit more attention and starts noticing how their health is actually deteriorating that he actually becomes concerned.

It start watching them paying attention to their eating habit and patterns. He’ll even try to feed them or persuade them to eat of course they’ll turn him down or eat very little.

He’ll even try to do his own research using the internet and Jarvis. Unless it was to the point of them seriously ill I don’t think Thor would involve anyone else.

After a sometime, but not too much, he’ll finally pull them aside and ask them “what’s up”, “what’s wrong”, “ how can I help you”, “please, let me help you”

If they say yes trust and believe Thor will do everything in his power to help them. He will due his research, he’ll use Jarvis, Thor will do everything he can without telling anyone (unless they give him permission to talk others)’

Although he will have them come clean with the others about their troubles and struggles as well so everyone can help. 

Now if they say no Thor is going to go “fuck it” and tell the others what is going on so that everyone can work together to get them the help they need.

Thor will not let them go through this alone whether they want to or not. 

Self-harm can be defined as cutting ones self, punching ones self or a wall, burning ones self, pulling out ones hair, poking objects through body openings, breaking bones or bruising ones self.

If Thor sees something like this he is definitely going to say something whether it be to them or to someone who knows but he’s going to have questions. 

When he first sees it he’s going to assume it was from a mission but if there is no schedule or surprised mission and they’re still hurt he’s going to know something is up.

I think with this Thor is just going to straight up ask them “What’s up?”, “are you okay?”

As an individual Thor will do everything in his power to learn about their condition and their problems and help to the best of his ability.

He will also tell the others. Yeah, there is no hiding this He’s going to tell someone else Bruce most likely as he has a medical background. 

They are going to need medical attention and professional help.

In both Anorexia and self-harm he’s going to be upset their going through this and that they feel like this that they’re going through this alone. Upset that they think they have no one to talk to. 

He’s going to be very upset but at the end of the day he’ll put his feelings aside to help them.

“Have you eaten today?” Thor asked as he gently dabbed the cut on their thigh with an alcohol pad. (Y/n) had a small relapse today but they had come straight to Thor afterwards and told him what they had done. This was a sign of progress in his option but it’s definitely something to talk about with Bruce. He was the medical professional after all. 

“I had a sandwich. I finished it too. You can ask Bruce he watched me this time.” (Y/n) said. At least they were able to do one good think today. 

“How did this happen?” Thor ask as he finished taking care of their thigh. 

“I... I don’t know. I just felt like it and I didn’t stop... I’m sorry”

“No, you have no need to be sorry. I should be sorry for not being there for you.” 

“You were on a mission. You can’t be everywhere.”

“I can try my best. How about we go get a snack” 

“I don’t want to.

“ I wasn’t asking. I talked to Bruce the other day he says you’re still under weight. We’ve got to fix that.” Thor said cleaning up the blood and standing up.

“By over feeding and stuffing me to the max.” Thor held out his hand and smiled 

“Of course”

“You know this is equivalent to bingeing, right?” they said taking his hand and stand up. 

“Bingeing, when you eat a whole bunch in one sitting then fast for a long time.”

“Yeah”

“But you’re eating everyday now, right? You’re not fasting how is this like bingeing? How is this the same? ”Thor asked confused 

“Because I’ll eat regularly everyday but when you leave for a mission for a day or two you come back and demand I eat all you didn’t watch me eat.”

“You need to gain weight” Thor said in a matter-fact tone and motioned to her as if it was obvious. They snatched their arm away from Thor immediately. 

“Don’t you think I know that. I’m sorry but I’m not going to gain weight with the snap of your god like fingers. And I don’t need you constantly reminding me what I’m lacking the mirror has already got that covered.”

“(Y/n)... I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Whatever, I just... I’m not hungry anymore. Go snack without me.” They said as they left the room.

“(Y/n)-”

“Relax I’m going to see Bruce.” 

“... I’m sorry” They didn’t hear him. 

- 

(Y/n) sighed as they sat across from Bruce who quietly worked on his experiment. He had already looked her over and he had documented their relapse.

“you know you don’t need to sigh heavily and loudly to get my attention. You could just ask for it or start talking.” Bruce said 

“Sorry didn’t realize I was doing that. I’m just frustrated.”

“With Thor”

“How did you know?” they said sarcastically “He’s just ... so overbearing. Always hovering like a helicopter parent.” 

“Can you really blame. You need help but you seek the bare minimum.”

“I don’t want everyone in my business. I don’t want to looking at me with pity eyes and holding out their hands like they’re waiting for me to fall. I get enough of that from Thor. He treats me like I’m fragile like I constantly need to hold his hand. I just... I know I’m shit, I know I’m weak, and hopeless I don’t need everyone else to know that.”

“You’re not shit, weak, or hopeless. You just think that and that’s why Thor is constantly hovering” Bruce said putting down his experiment and approaching them. “ You think terrible about yourself. You’re falling apart. Thor is just there to piece you back together and remind you how amazing you are.” he kissed their forehead. “Stop trying to push away the only person you’ve let in. Let him take care of you. There is nothing to be ashamed of in being taken care of.” 

They sighed leaning forward putting their head on Bruce shoulder “ Why are you so smart?”

“I’ve got a lot of PhDs” they laughed.

-

“I’m not hungry” (Y/n) said as they slowly approached Thor he was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of popcorn and watching a movie. “I’ve had a bad couple of days and I don’t think I could really take food right now”

Thor put the bowl of popcorn and the far edge of the coffee table. She sat next to him and curled into his side he tossed a blanket over them.” I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I was just worried that since you …that maybe you weren’t eating enough either.”

“Just cause you’re not here doesn’t mean I don’t do what you ask.”  Thor pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and tossed it over the both of them. Kissing their forehead. 

“I think we’ve both have a long way to go”

“...I ate your poptarts” 

Steve Rogers 

Head canon 

Despite no experience Steve will still handle this better than Thor 

He might not understand it at first but he will no what it is and he will do his research. 

Steve is going to sit back and observe them at first. See with their doing is this serious. Like this is what’s happening and it’s not a misunderstanding like this is legit what is happening. 

Once he got the proof he needs Steve will confront them. He’s going to talk to them he’s going to try and find out why they’re doing this, when this started, why did they feel like doing this, how can he possibly help, or understand their situation better. 

He is going to try his best to ask question and better understand their situation from them without making them uncomfortable. Although this is an uncomfortable topic so that much can’t be avoided. 

Steve is going to do his research both with and without them to better help and understand them. 

If they wish to keep the situation private he will, but he is also a little shit. If they’re anorexia he will make them come to every team meal time therefore forcing them to eat in front of everyone as to not expose themselves and raise suspicions. ( You can not tell me that Steve is not a manipulative little shit. I guarantee you he is)

They’re involved in Self-harm he will do frequent and surprise body and medical checks to make sure they aren’t hurting themselves anyway. 

He’d also do room checks to make sure they don’t have anything to hurt themselves and keep track of the weapons they take on missions, if he lets them on missions

Steve is the type of person that will keep the situation private and will do the best in his abilities to help them but the moment things get to much or go to far he will get professional help involved without their consent 

Unless it starts to affect their work. 

Like if in mission they started purposely jumping in harms way and getting hurt. Then, yeah, not only is he going remove them from mission until they get help and assigned off by doctors but he’s going to tell the others as well.

Behavior like that won’t until get them hurt but jeopardize the mission and put others in danger as well. He won’t go for any of that. 

He would encourage them to get professional help on their own but if they don’t he’ll still ne there to help them. 

For anorexia he would start tracking their eating patterns and nutrients making sure they get them food and nutrients they need. He’d probably even help them get a nutritionist to help. 

For self harm he’s help them find new coping mechanisms to distract them. He’d probably introduce them drawing and art to help. 

At the end of the day Steve will put them in therapy whether it be by force, free will, manipulation they will get therapy one way or another. 

Even with all the help he provides Steve will know at the end of the day he is not a professional and they will need a professional to full recover. 

Steve watched as (Y/n) sat on their bed and drew small patterns all over their thigh using the skin safe markers he got them not to long ago. He had just pulled them from the gym as he saw them pushing themselves too hard again. 

“Hey” he said as he stepped into their room. 

“It was just running, Steve” they immediately went on the defense.

“well I count running until you can barely stand or feel your legs as a form of self-harm. Over exercising, it’s a thing.” 

They sighed capping their pen “ Is there anything else you need father?” “Ah, yes child, I’d like to know what you’d like for dinner.” 

“I don’t know. Something light”

“Something heavy, got it.” he hear them groaned as he turned to leave “ kidding, don’t worry I got you. I won’t force you to choke anything down but I do encourage you to eat more please. Also … room check” 

With that said Steve immediately began to look through their draws for anything he deemed dangerous or had to ability to use to harm ones self. They watched him unnerving as he went through all their things nothing left unturned, unseen, nothing private. 

“I’m trying.” (Y/n) said Steve turned around as he heard their voice crack. He saw they furiously wiping tears. 

“I know you are. And I know it’s hard I’m so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished you’ve come a long way from where we use to be.” 

“I... I got a therapy appointment the day after tomorrow. Going to finally talk to a professional about my fuck up. And tomorrow I’d like to tell the team.” 

No one on the team was aware of their situation and what they had been going through beside Steve, and Bruce although they never actually talked to him about their situation in depth Steve often went to him for medical advice on the situation. No one had noticed and (y/n) had kept there situation very private allowing only Steve to know and help them. But now (Y/n) was ready to open up themselves more to the others not entire but some. 

(Y/n) had been going through recover for a while now with Steve but now they were taking the steps to get more professional help and make sure she doesn’t relapse or fall into should despair again. 

“That’s good. That’s amazing” Steve sat on the edge of the bed a hold of their hand. “ Hey, everything is going to be okay. I’ll hold your hand the whole time. 

I know you don’t like it when I got through your room or check your body but I worry about you. And I feel that it is necessary just to make sure you don’t have an accident and relapse. I just- I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be healthy, happy, and safe.”

“Yeah , I know” They leaned forward and hugged “ thanks dad” 

Steve laughed at this. 

“Now clean up and put all my shit and get the fuck out of my room” 

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[harrytomylou]

Help - Harry & Niall (Includes Harry/Louis)

* I’m posting old fanfictions that I wrote onto this account simply because I want to keep them for myself *

Trigger Warnings for EATING DISORDERS

Harry bit his lip nervously as the four boys stood quietly outside of the bathroom that Niall had entered minutes earlier. They couldn’t hear anything but silence. It must have been about a minute by now and Liam was getting impatient.

‘Seriously Zayn, I think you’re hearing things’ He whispered under his breath. Zayn shook his head slightly before freezing.

‘Listen!’ He whisper-yelled.

The boys stopped and listened hearing a faint retching sound. Liam gasped quietly as Harry bit down on his lip harder at the sound. No. Shit!

‘Niall? You alright?’ Louis asked as the door opened. Niall looked at the four of them shocked.

‘What did you hear?’ He asked panic crossing his fragile features. Everyone stayed silent.

‘Niall’ Harry spoke softly, finally releasing his raw lip from between his teeth. ‘Niall, we can help you. I promise.’ Niall smirked sarcastically anger replacing the panic.

‘Help me?’ He questioned voice playing a calm tone but everyone could tell he was fuming. ‘Help me?’ He repeated laughing gently before he face turned serious. ‘You can’t fucking help me Harry. This isn’t something that you can help with. It’s not something that just goes away as soon as there are people around you who know about it. It’s a fucking disease. I’m fucking bulimic. I know that. You can’t just give me a hug and change everything!’

‘I know.’ Harry replied, voice a little stronger now as he fed off of his best friends anger himself. ‘It takes time. It takes effort. You have to go through shit loads of counselling before you even begin recovering, Niall, I know. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you feel better having your friends around to talk to.’

‘How the fuck would you know?’ Niall replied angrier than before. Liam stretched his arm out quickly placing it on Niall’s shoulder as an attempt to calm him. It didn’t work. ‘You don’t get it, Harry. None of you do. I don’t want counselling. It’s too late for that!’

‘It’s never too late!’ Harry pushed his way to interrupt Niall’s rant with what he knew was the truth.

‘Yes, Harry. Yes it is. You don’t know anything. You don’t know me. You don’t know how I’ve felt for the past year. You don’t know how fucking hard it is to have your mind clouded with thoughts of how to get to the bathroom after dinner without being caught constantly. You don’t get it!’

Harry felt himself snap halfway through Niall’s speech and knew he wouldn’t be able to help himself. His darkest secret was about to come tumbling out of his mouth but he couldn’t bring himself to care. At least he was in the middle of treatment. At least he had told someone eventually rather than having everyone just find out. At least he didn’t think he was the only one with problems like this. At least he didn’t judge people or assume things the way Niall was. He was a better person right now. Right?

‘Oh yeah!’ The 18 year old felt himself shout. Except it didn’t feel like him. It felt like he was above, watching it all happen before him. Like he wasn’t in control of his own body. ‘Because, no, I haven’t had both anorexia and bulimia for that past 7 years, Niall. It’s fine. Just assume that.’ He yelled sarcastically. ‘You don’t know me either. I know what it feels like Niall. I know it more than you do so shut the fuck up! At least I’m getting help. At least I’m not a selfish little shit who can’t handle their own fucking problems!’

Harry turned on his heel suddenly, storming away from the three incredibly shocked boys and Louis who had known since the end of their time on The X Factor when he had walked in on Harry purging and Harry had broken down and explained everything to him. Harry had then called his counsellor and got her to make the trip from Cheshire to The X Factor house in London the next day for a quick, secret session with both him and Louis, explaining what stage Harry was at in the recovery and making sure Louis knew how to be there for Harry and help him. Louis was now there whenever Harry needed him. Louis was Harry’s rock. He helped him when Harry needed a confidence boost. He watched him and encouraged him on during meals that Harry felt he couldn’t finish. He kept an eye on the younger boy after meals and would distract him and not let him go to the toilet until he was certain Harry wasn’t going to make himself sick. He would hold Harry and let him cry himself to sleep into his chest after he had purged in the middle of the night because he couldn’t take it anymore or when the urge was a little weaker and Harry knew he could resist it with Louis’ help so he’d crawl into bed with the older Doncaster-born boy. Louis was Harry’s rock and Harry had taken that help from him as soon as he offered it. He didn’t understand while Niall had to make such a scene about being offered help. He took it, even though it was one of the hardest things he’s ever done. He did it. Why the fuck couldn’t Niall?

He sunk down the wall next to the door he had just rushed out. He could hear Niall’s sobs from behind it and was beginning to have to hold back his own as he was pulled out of his thoughts by the comforting voice stood next to him. The voice that, even though never said it, told him everything was going to be okay. The voice that told him he and Niall would make up and they would both recover eventually. It also told him he would never be alone. Never again. That voice would always be there to comfort him and help him. Louis, -

‘You okay, Haz?’

- his rock.

‘No’

[anothergirlrecovering]

Yesterday I sent this long ass text to my chiro:

Helllllo! This is just a sappy random way for me to say thank you for all that you do. Today I met with Peggy, my dietitian. I freaking love Peggy. She's been with me since before treatment, largely why I ended up actually going to treatment. Nonetheless, today I was telling her that I was so frustrated because the past several days I've had no appetite at all and nothing sounds good and it's been so hard to make myself eat in the mornings and afternoons especially and she started laughing. And I was like wait why are you laughing? And she was like, for as long as I've known you, you've been pissed when you feel hunger, and freaking out over it and avoiding eating so that you can turn off the hunger cues with restriction, and now you're sitting here saying that you're mad that the hunger isn't there, make up your mind! She was totally kidding but she pointed out how great/exciting/not sure what word fits best there, it is that I want to be able to be hungry so that I can eat consistently. I don't know if I've emphasized just how big of a deal it is that I'm not freaking out when I feel hungry anymore. I've literally felt anxious about my hunger for as long as I can remember. As a kid I was stealing food from neighbors homes and hoarding food in my bedroom and begging kids at lunch for their scraps because I was always so hungry and food was always so unavailable. I was eating inedible objects and dog food and chewing already been chewed gum that I saved for years to try to stop feeling so hungry and anxious about the fact that I was hungry and couldn't get my needs met. My eleventh grade science teacher called me tape worm because I was always so freaking hungry and anxious about it. In college my hall pranked me by stealing a few of my granola bars and I went apeshit over it. Until now, I've always been so anxiously having to try to control and avoid my hunger by restricting. I've wrote a million journal entries and therapy homework assignments about my hunger, letters to my hunger, letters to my body, literally anything I could to try to fix my bodies physical response to the sensation of hunger. I remember in treatment writing in all capital letters one page in my journal that just said "Why do I keep perpetuating the same abuse my parents did to me?". Because after I moved out, they weren't around to keep me hungry, but I developed anorexia and took on the same shit to myself. It didn't matter that I logically knew as an adult, I always have access to food. Even something as simple as plating my food at dinner, I'd get anxious and worry that what if there's not enough food on my plate and I'm going to feel hungry again. And I'd have to explicitly tell myself, like ok if that happens you can literally get up and get more food. When I found you, I had been emailing a bunch of random ass therapists all over Tennessee trying to find anyone that might be able to do do somatic work and help me stop freaking out when I felt hungry. Because not that that was the only thing driving anorexia for me, but it made it a hell of a lot harder to stay in recovery when I was constantly feeling anxious or panicking any time I felt hungry. So not that I'm cured lol, but I really am so grateful that something that has been a battle my whole life, and always made me feel like there was something so seriously wrong with me, isn't a piece of the work anymore. So seriously, I don't think words do it justice, but thank you.

[endgamesdakidd]

When I first became a metalhead...

When I first started being a metalhead I think I was in middle School haha I listened to all the bands like Bring me The Horizon and suicide Silence in Memphis May fire and The Devil wears Prada. So.... It reminds me of always wearing bad t-shirts and skinny jeans from the girl section of Ross. Hahaha. But I look good in skinny jeans hahaha no seriously I had to use black ribbed ones and they were my favorite I used to wear them like everyday and watch them like once.. hahaha. but yeah those bands are not go to classics because I listen to them and middle School or maybe I was a freshman in high school!?!? But yeah either way it was a really long time ago. So I was thinking about of herbs and altars on YouTube and she was talking about how she used to do anorexia meetups and I thought it was so funny and like not to gag or anything but I thought that it was hilarious that she was talking about something that happened to her like that a long time ago so.... did you talk about it it happened in middle school when she was in the right place and I was like damn when I was in middle School I was like Regina George from mean girls with Myra by my side and everisto before he killed himself. And before them I had Haley who was like super punk and goth and shit. And we knew of xander who was like extremely goth. But that was in middle School I wasn't goth until sophomore year and my first meeting year we had heard of them but he like to stay off the map which was funny and he liked to not be known by a lot of people but he was kind of like a mansion and I was too but we never really clicked up until my sophomore year and then we sat together and we were like mean girls I took that with her I went hahaha.🤣 But they wouldn't metal heads they looking to like soft rock and I listen to metalcore and grindcore and shit. And Mayra listened to escape the Fate when they first came out. But I only like the guillotine so... These days I still listen to metal and I still listen to those bands just do my favorite bands but my all the time favorite band is The Devil wears Prada and I haven't changed since middle school so when I used to listen to them. And it still hasn't changed hahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣 So I started being a metalhead in middle School and I remember wearing a lot of hot topic and listening to The suicide Silence and Bring me The Horizon when they first came out and loving to wear their shirts but not really liking hot topic because they weren't goth enough. There was like some hardcore poser demographic with who they were for so I also remember in middle School wishing that I had long hair I wish I had long hair for a long time and now my hair is long so I always hide my face like the emo just super goth. I wish I was going to be a emo black kid but I turns out I was emo goth kid which is funny and ironic. Also Kesha has a new podcast I heard about it on KISS FM and I thought that shit was funny I was like why does that bitch get a podcast but then again why did I care so hard that a podcast was coming out at the same time which is lame so I just forgot about it but I hear the commercial like all the time... And I was going to look it up to see what it was about but I never did I think that's interesting because a really long time ago podcasting really wasn't a thing and now it's kind of really popular for like people to do fake radio stuff and I think that that's cool they even have some metal ones that I think are cool like hell cast for one example they are a metal podcast and another one is DFW metal music and he's also a metal podcast and the scope is another one that is the metal podcast and I thought that it was cool because you know like when we were younger we always wish we could record something like anything andhappened to all of us so we could relate to it. Hahaha.