#seriously i've felt so much less alone since finding this community

[spirk-trek]

just realized i missed the anniversary of my first post :'(

thanks everyone for an amazing year! i remember watching this episode, thinking how pretty it is, wishing i had someone to appreciate it with... and now look! after more than a decade of being a trekkie all on my lonesome, i have internet freaks friends to be insane so so normal about it with <3

S3E11: Wink of an Eye ·⋆.˚ ✧ · ˚⊹ .

[little-johnny-jewel]

It's been a very long time since I've posted here, and it's really a good thing (this was a vent blog) and a lot of autonomy and control came to me over time that sort of outmoded the need to be complaining here. Still, as cloying as I was in all my posts that I just deleted, it's kind of interesting how the same old anxieties are still around, more manageable, but largely of problems that persisted. My expectations changed. One of the most freeing things I've ever felt was that nobody owed me anything.

I guess the dialectic counterpart to that still hasn't sunk in. To rescind servitude from others with grace feels impossible, though I'm sure that comes down to the less sociable tendrils of my personality. I've never been able to treat myself as a genuine, like my connection to others has to be a joke or an insult. I long for a kind of affection that I stopped getting from my parents when I really needed it and never felt it fair to expect that affection from anyone else when I feel too scared to extend it. Scared of what? I don't know, of being dismissed for it. Of my belief that it's a joke being justified. It amazes me how other people manage to find the drive to get over that.

Until then, though, it's been seeming like the way for me is being alone, which I can deal with, but it's hard to leave the people I live with behind. They're part of my life, but they don't do much for me - not literally, but I think I need people who challenge me the way that they don't. It feels like I have to hold myself down around them (conceited words like this probably mean I'll look back at a post like this and wince one day).

There's still a longing part of me, unfortunately, and I think it justifies dusting this blog off. That venting was seriously detrimental was the reason I stopped posting here, and I think that, by and large, it's still true. But maybe I see the need to at least communicate my thoughts in a way so that they don't sit inside me - not that anyone needs to read them and act, but I feel the need to express myself as if I were explaining myself to someone because so many aspects of my pathology are so assumed (by myself) that, without clarification, it makes no sense when read back. And, if nothing else, all I've ever wanted was the plain and clear truth

[icharchivist]

Hi same nonny as usual haha! You asked for my thoughts on the spring troupe so now that I've finished the summer troupe debut I'm going to knock out two birds with one stone! I liked summer troupe a lot more then spring troupe. Not that I didn't like spring troupe! I just think that they didn't really communicate with each other?

The only reason why sakuyas issue with swordfighting was resolved was because masumi happened to be eavesdropping on a convo with the director, and why someone knew about itarus injury was because of citron noticing. I'm not saying there was no communication at all these two issues just. Bothered me so much the swordfighting one a lot more then the injury. The thing that bothers me about the injury is that itaru wasn't like. Told off for not telling anyone about his injury. Cause he could have seriously damaged his foot or something. I get that in the future there's probably going to be character development for itaru that lets him open up more to his troupemates. The swordfighting one just felt like a cop out to have a "moment" between sakuya and the director instead of having sakuya discuss that stuff with his troupe (which, bleh do not care for the characters flirting with the director at all. wish it wasn't there but I get why they do it.)

Despite my griping I did really enjoy spring troupe! They were fun! They just felt less trusting of each other then summer troupe at the end of day. And I get that char Dev will prob happen bout that but still haha. That's my thoughts on spring troupe! I could just be horribly misremembering the entire episode but oh well!

I know I said I'd also do summer troupe in this ask but it's already horribly long and I'm writing this on my phone. I'll get to that later. Thanks for reading my rambling that has not been proofread at all or edited. Hopefully it makes some sense hahaha. Thanks for introducing me to a3 it's tons of fun.

aaahh thanks for sharing!!!

honestly i kinda get where you’re coming from. I really love Spring, but it’s especially now in insight of their development. On first read, i think the thing especially was that the chapter was more about setting up some of the most major issues of the universe (the debts, the way  to arrange themselves in that new environment ect..) that therefore the characters issues may be not as focused as the others chapters?

(also for character flirting with MC there will be only 2 in main stories that do that a lot, one of which is Masumi, and the other isn’t much flirting as just hopelessly in love. Not much we can do about it but honestly once you move on from spring if this really holds you down, it will ease off at least, even if there’s a few thingss here and there stil)

Summer was the moment i really fell in love with the game, i really, really adore Summer’s dynamic and it was just. so good to go through.

As for the things you bring up about Spring, on one hand on first read i think i get you, but yeaaaah in insight of all we learn about the characters, it’s really not that far fetched ahah.

For Sakuya imo it’s really just that he freaked out because of his abandon issues and i don’t really see him discussing it with Spring yet at this point? Like. Sakuya is terrified of not being good enough and being abandoned as a result, like all of his relatives ever did. So he tries to compensate. When Masumi just brought up that they’ll just replace him, i don’t find it far fetched that Sakuya freaked out about it and failed to explain it to Masumi at the time. 

Those very same issues also lead Sakuya to hold on everything bad ever to himself. The reason he opens up to Izumi, more than her just coming to him there, is that she already proved before that she wasn’t willing to abandon him, if only by how she took up the theater because of his passion to start with. And, just, timingwise. 

And i think Sakuya wouldn’t have taken reassurances from his others troupesmates who have already made clear they believed in him, because i think Sakuya would be more crushed with the idea that they’re just being polite and kind with him. Because he knows he’s failing and the others’s way to reassure him would probably have made it worse. He needed reassurance 1) from the director who at this point has already started to be giving more constructive critisms, 2) Masumi, who’s the one who caused those insecurities by the fact he doesn’t hold back. But i don’t see him reach of to Masumi with how hostile Masumi has been to everyone up until that point. (i have more thoughts but that’d be me overreading it too but dKJFDLKF a3 makes my brain go brr)

As for Masumi, this kid has serious communication issues (only child with no friends and no parents around? oof) and i don’t think he would have reached out to Sakuya or even figured something was wrong otherwise.

Are those just easy way out for the writers? maybe, but that’s just how writing is isn’t it? if you want to make even some “artificial” conflict, you need to make it believable why this conflict exist even in the first place. 

Honestly the swordfighting issue doesn’t strike like that to me, and those are all about things that are shown in the Spring chapter itself, but i suppose since i also know those things are expended on, it does add a layer of “this was made with depth for their characters in mind” imo.

Also i think if Masumi hadn’t eardropped, Izumi would have talked to him about it, being the mediator and all of that, and i think Masumi would have understood then. I don’t think Masumi was unwilling to understand, but that he lacked the groundwork to understand it. and we mostly were spared from having to repeat the scene with Izumi telling him about it.

Idk if i see Sakuya managing to tell it to Masumi even after this talk? I think Sakuya is the kind to take all of his pain in silence and assume responsibilities for everything that goes wrong, and i don’t think he would have felt comfortable opening up with that, especially since, as he tells Izumi, he genuinely feels like *he’s* the failure about it (and as Izumi tells him, it’s not his fault if others people don’t try either. Sakuya was made to believe that he had to take full responsibility when a relationship doesn’t work because of his relatives, and i think he was set on doing the same with this Massu’s situation, and the reason he could share it with Izumi is because she’s not the person he’s taking responsibility for). On top of that, Sakuya remains Masumi’s elder, and Sakuya does want to be someone people rely on - he wants to be a big brother figure, and i think he wouldn’t have wanted or known how much of this responsibility he could share with Masumi knowing that. And i don’t think it’s healthy! but it’s perfectly understandable from Sakuya’s perspective and the specific way he shoulders responsibilities because i will fistfight his family his family sucked.

As for Itaru, on this one we only got the reveals about how deep this lack of trust Itaru had for people ran only recently, so imo early on you just need to take it at face value and hope when you get to know more, it’ll click. Realizing he doesn’t want to be alone anymore and wants to be more with Spring is a turning point from this set up about him, so he can only develop from here.

For why no one really told him off about it, i guess i can understand the grip ahah. imo i think everyone worried already enough that he was talking about leaving the company this was the priority to discuss and i do think talking about his ankle at that point may have not worked with the pacing of the emotional moment. I wouldn’t have minded seeing some of them being more worried about it in general though.

In the end the thing with Spring is that aside from Tsuzuru, they are all people who come from background where communication isn’t their forte. Sakuya fears he’s never good enough, Masumi never even had to face how lonely his life had made him until now (and i think he specifically lashes on the director because it’s the first time he feels like he wants a connection with anyone in his life and he doesn’t know what to do with it. I find his obsession creepy imo but i also see where it’s coming from), Itaru has severe trust issues and rather be solo in general, and Citron hides a lot about himself.

and i think, we have Tsuzuru has never been really alone ever, and he takes a lot of responsibility, (though there’s a few things about his background we learn later that shows he still has similar struggles than the rest of his troupe regarding some.. broken connection, which he vagues at in the Spring chapter (... which is something i only noticed on my reread knowing that so i wouldn’t blame you for not catching it))  but he’s also trying to do things for himself for once in his life. Ultimately he knows how to communicate more in general but he has that going on for him, and especially, i think his way to communicate or connect may be too foreign for the rest of the troupe for a smooth connection off the bat.

All of them are trying to connect in their own ways coming from those complicated feelings they have about connection imo... and i do find it fascinating. 

I see Spring a lot like, the kids who had to grow up too fast and the adults who are unhappy with where their adult lives have taken them and the expectations pushed upon them who yet are trying to cope on their own mostly because they have reasons to feel unsafe otherwise. (Tsuzuru is a bit in between imo bc he’s not “unsafe” yet and he’s already taking himself back in hands with the expectations things, but anyway, i am. trying to keep it short, believe it or not) And they’re still navigating where that leaves them as people, and where that leaves them in their connection with others, and especially with each other because in the end they’re all yearning to connect especially with one another, and just don’t know how to reconcile this desire with who they have been all this time to cope through all of this.

All of this is present in the Spring intro chapter but ^^” i could imagine that without having the full picture those aren’t things that may be easily picked up as important for their characterizations. But honestly there’s a throve of details in the writing to flesh them out when you know where to look and i find it fascinating. (but also i like. relived this chapter 5 times, 4 of which after i’ve seen most of their development, and my first read is so long ago i think i just overthink everything DLKJFDLKF and like, Spring was one of my least favorite at first read bc i struggled to connect with them, so it’s not like i don’t get you, it’s just. nowadays, spring is care spring is love and i cry over their intro chap a lot.)

Anyway i guess i get what you felt still, but, idk maybe i feel strongly about it ahah, i like the way the characters stand out from one another even in the moments that are probably just.. stupid, but in a “they wouldn’t know how to do better because of what’s holding them back” way.

i feel like “lack of communication” is a problem every troupe have to various degree and for different reasons, but the whole thing is about trying to figure out how to fix that and work it with them. Some are more forward than others (like, Summer, mostly because Tenma and Yuki are stubborn and loud and straightforward in their own way)(”than others” i have so much to say about this i’m holding back dLKFJD) but i think it depends also a lot on some thematic it wants to tackle and the spirit of the characters in each troupe. It changes as the story progresses but yeah after all, they are all strangers. And while the game mentions they have a few months to prepare for their play, it was reckoned that every play takes one month to prepare, so it doesn’t really give a lot of time on their first play to really figure out everything they need to work on.

Spring, in essence, as a season, is about blooming back after Winter, after sadness and hardship, and learning how to slowly open up again. So imo their intro chap have to reflect that slow progress for them. While Summer can afford to be more loud, straight to the point (and even there it’s not always easy), Summer is full of learning from their mistake, living in the Now, in the Moment. So their season thematic reflects a bit in their intro chap at least. (ofc they all grow from there though but that’s still interesting imo).

anyway i rambled LDFJDLKFJFDLK

I didn’t mean it in a way to say your reading is invalid though!! sorry if it feels that way, i’ve tried rewriting it a few times DLKFJDLFK i just have a lot of emotions about Spring and the points you mentioned made me think about some stuff about it. 

ANYWAY

if you want to share your thoughts about summer too and the rest you’re always welcomed o7 i’m glad you’re still enjoying your stay, and i hope you’ll keep enjoying the ride!

And Take care!

[beckymotivates]

Remembering Mikey Post!

I vividly remember waiting in line for a coffee in the lobby of the Hyatt Regency San Francisco Airport during the July 2004 National Little People of America Conference. I felt the most positive energy coming from a table to the right of me. Immediately after I purchased my coffee, I went over to the table and introduced myself to Mikey Post. He was so kind and full of energy. Before I knew it, we were running around the lobby “borrowing” our other new friend’s flip flops. Unfortunately, one flip flop was lost and we only returned one to the owner. However, Mikey never stayed in trouble for too long. He quickly earned forgiveness with his contagious smile and incredible persona. San Francisco happened to be the 2nd convention that Mikey and I attended. I was 20 and he was 22. The prior year in Boston was our first, even though we didn’t meet each other that year. A year out of touch went by but we crossed paths again at the 2005 convention in Orlando.

Shortly after the Orlando convention, Mikey moved from Atlanta to Los Angeles to pursue his acting career. Less than a year later, we started talking about my ambitions, which included moving from Boston to Los Angeles, and my past internship experiences behind the scenes in the entertainment industry. Before I was about to finish college, I decided to visit some friends in LA. Mikey was already living there. While we were in the car together one day, we spoke about how we wanted to plan to be roommates sometime in the future. He later convinced his talent manager at the time to offer me a job to support her work. That led to my move to LA in August 2006. Since Mikey already had a roommate at the time, I started off living with friends who were a couple. About a year later, I convinced Mikey to move to the first floor of the apartment building where we were living. Six months after that, my roommates moved out and Mikey moved upstairs into the two-bedroom apartment with me. We were roommates, for all but six months of the next four and a half years.

Part of being a little person is that you have the opportunity to meet other little people along the path of life who begin to have a strong influence on your life. Of all of the little people I’ve ever met, Mikey had the strongest influence on my life. He was the best roommate and best friend.

Mikey and I always joked around but sometimes my gullible self would take things a little too seriously. I recently came across an old e-mail that Mikey sent me. This was after I had spent some time visiting with my family in Boston. He wrote: “Hey Bee (his nickname for me), just wanted to send you an email and let you know how much I really did miss you this weekend. I know I joke around a lot and act kinda mean to you, but you really mean a lot to me. Like Papa said, "you are one of the best friends I've ever had." I think he is very right. You are someone who I am never uncomfortable around and we never have any sort of awkward silence. I really did miss you and our friendship while you were gone. I love you very much. Have a great day.”

Mikey and I had a lot in common. We both liked to have fun and we had a strong interest in changing perceptions of little people both in front of and behind the scenes in the entertainment industry. We built relationships that ultimately helped influence some of that change. Whenever I came across a script that I knew Mikey could have an acting role in, I read it to make sure that it was an appropriate positive role before sending it to him. I never wanted to waste his time. Although some offers were lucrative, Mikey never took a role that would intentionally harm the perceptions of little people.

Mikey also served as my cheerleader and my rock after I would come home from any stressful day at work. Wherever there was a need, he helped me and I helped him. We cooked our favorite recipes, which included and may have been limited to vegetarian stuffed peppers and vegetable chili, together. We loved going out to restaurnts and splitting either salmon, sushi rolls or shrimp stir fry. He helped me realize that the road to success is a journey and we should celebrate every milestone along the way.

In May 2012, while we were living in West Hollywood together and his acting success was rising, Mikey started telling me about some weird symptoms he was experiencing. This ultimately led to his ALS diagnosis. Regardless, I never heard him say a negative thing, even though he was in a lot of pain. Soon after Mikey’s symptoms worsened and I left my job at the time, we both moved back to our hometowns. Mikey to Atlanta and me to Boston.

As Mikey’s ALS progressed, we remained in close contact, through whichever method of communication worked for him at each in moment time. We had fun using the costume features on Google chat. Whenever my schedule would allow, the Post family welcomed me into their home, with open arms. A group of us stayed there while gearing up Atlanta Walk to Defeat ALS, immediately following the 2015 success of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Our team raised over $50,000 that year. New Years Eve with some of my other favorites at the Post house was always filled with snacks and fun too!

I was fortunate to recently spend a week with Mikey, while ringing in the new year of 2018. Although, he could no longer speak, he sent me a Facebook message at the end of the trip. Mikey wrote, “It's been nice just having you here, so if you ever need an office, come back anytime!” That was so sweet because I had started a new job that allows me to work remotely. His hospitality was so warm and inviting. We exchanged a few messages after that but that trip and message will always stand out.

For those of us who are able, let’s continue to walk to defeat ALS and contribute what we can to ALS research towards Mikey’s goal of finding a cure for this dreaded disease, so that others will someday not have to endure what he had. Mikey had hoped to see that in his lifetime. Let’s continue to work towards making that that happen as soon as possible!

Let us all honor Mikey’s life by approaching any adversity we should face in the future with the same grace, courage and positive attitude with which he did.

I wanted to share a poem that was shared on Facebook and seems to sum up Mikey’s feelings for all of us.

DON’T CRY FOR ME

Don't cry for me. I will be okay.

Heaven is my home now, and this is where I'll stay.

Don't cry for me. I'm where I belong.

I want you to be happy and try to stay strong.

Don't cry for me. It was just my time,

but I will see you someday on the other side.

Don't cry for me. I am not alone.

The angels are with me to welcome me home.

Don't cry for me, for I have no fear.

All my pain is gone, and Jesus took my tears.

Don't cry for me. This is not the end.

I'll be waiting here for you when we meet again.

Even though we lost Mikey way too soon, he lived more in his 35 years than some people live in 100. You’ll always have a place in my heart, Mikey Post.

Thank You!