#seriously i could probably have given you a top five from every album he's put out

[novelmonger]

Top five David Hodges songs

kljfg;asdkfjas;dklgjsd;fklj HOW DO I PICK ad;lkfja;sdkfjsd;kfljds;fklj

Shattered (Beauty and the Tragedy version)

Desert Lands (Beauty and the Tragedy version)

Jet Black Heart (Arrows to Athens version)

Time Machine

Ashes

[charlie-rulerofhell]

For they know exactly what they do

Today there was a pretty long article published in the German newspaper FAZ, written by Julia Schaaf. Since there were quite a few interesting topics raised in it and Måneskin talked about some new aspects (or in more detail), I translated the whole thing (it might also have helped me to procrastinate).

Full interview in English under the cut.

For they know exactly what they do

June 22, 2021

Four young rock musicians from Rome are today's hottest band. Måneskin are enchanting Europe. Why? We met them for an interview.

Every romance needs its founding myth, an anecdote from the beginning, something you can tell later in more difficult times for self-assurance.

In the case of the band Måneskin, who first had Italy and now half of Europe wrapped around their fingers, and who are now trying to conquer the rest of the world with their rock music, there is the story of the shoe box. Rome, around five years ago: Four teenagers who are meeting every day after school in their rehearsal room to make music together, and sometimes they play their songs on the Via del Corso in the city centre in front of a changing audience. One day they want to record their own stuff. They find a studio that they can actually afford and as they go there they bring a shoe box, with the name of the band written on it, 'moonshine' in Danish, the bassist's mother is Danish. In the box: around seven kilogram of coins. The things you get from playing music on the streets. Everyone searching through Instagram for photos from that time can find four hippies with children's faces, three boys in batik, the girl is wearing a straw hat.

As they have to pay [for the recording], frontman Damiano David, 22, says that there was this guy, Angelo, and his bandmate Victoria De Angelis, 21, is interrupting: “No, Andrea, not Angelo”, and all of them have to laugh because a rigid studio manager with the Italian name 'angel' would be even funnier for a founding myth. David continues his story: “The guy was completely dumbfounded. 'We can't do that.' We went: 'Sure we can, that's worth the same even if it's just 20 cent coins, it's still 300 euros.” Thomas Raggi, 20, the guitarist of the band, is gasping for air as he laughs, while drummer Ethan Torchio, 20, is smiling dreamily. David finishes: “And then we snuck off before he was able to count it.” [the German text says 'verdrücken' here which is just a colloquial way of saying 'we left', but it entails some sort of a dramatic exit, so yeah, let your thoughts get creative how they left exactly :D].

Four young musicians on the verge of global fame are sitting on a white interview sofa in Berlin, completely styled, babbling across each other like overeager teenagers.

Ever since the Roman band first won the music festival Sanremo and then also the Eurovision Song Contest, carried by the enthusiasm of European viewers, you could say Måneskin has become a phenomenon. “Rock 'n' Roll never dies!”, Damiano David yelled fueled by the adrenaline of winning, and the insinuation that circulated on social media of the singer snorting during the counting of votes in front of a live camera – including their strict denial followed by a negative drug test result – might have given an additional boost to their public interest, their exploding album, ticket and merch sales, and their outstanding success on Spotify.

“We think it's a shit prejudice against rock music that there always have to be drugs involved. We fully threw ourselves into our participation with the utmost professionalism. We give everything for the music. So of course we don't want people to think that we can only do that because we take drugs.” – Victoria De Angelis

Prior to Eurovision, Måneskin was more of an insider's tip outside of Italy. Handmade rock music, not creating something entirely new but paying homage to the good old times with classic guitar riffs and cracking drum beats, being a lot of fun but also quite fragile and vulnerable at times and, first and foremost, conveying a captivating energy. Finally, on the stage of Rotterdam, live after so many months of isolation and renunciation, this wave of energy spilled straight over into European living rooms. It seemed easy to (mistakenly) interpret the winning song “Zitti e buoni” (Shut up and behave) as a declaration of frustration of our youth in times of a pandemic. In fact, singer Damiano David is singing about the favourite topic of the band: the unrelenting need to, against all odds, be yourself, despite or perhaps because you are different. The message fits their provocative sex appeal, which the band uses to demonstrate their independence of gender norms at any given time. But the core essence of rock music has always been the promise of unlimited freedom.

Thus at the first moment, the meeting with Måneskin is kind of startling. It's Wednesday, we are in the top floor of the new Sony head quarters in Berlin. The four Italians have just started their two-week long promotion tour through Europe. In the afternoon there will be a live concert in a queer club [the SchwuZ, but that's not mentioned here] in Neukölln, which will be streamed via TikTok. Around one million viewers will watch the show, some of them even from Brazil, so people at Sony are pretty excited [for Måneskin to come here]. But at first, these stunningly gorgeous creatures [yes, that's the exact wording :D] are standing surrounded by an entourage of people – their management, PR team, a stylist, a photographer, people who can hold a smartphone or a cigarette if needed [this paragraph is worded a little weirdly, especially taking into account that basically their whole team / 'entourage' is just friends of them, but it seems like the journalist didn't know that or maybe they just wanted to describe their first impression]. They seem like fictional / artificial characters out of a Hollywood movie. Transparent frill blouses with blazers and flared leather trousers, even the platform boots, everything brand-new, the makeup makes their faces look like a glossy magazine cover even in person. The smokey eyes of De Angelis and Raggi make them look smug and bored. Later, on the pictures it will probably look cool.

So of course your first impression might be: This band is under contract to industry giant Sony ever since their success on an Italian casting show [X Factor] in Winter 2017. The music industry must have its hand in the game when a band is photographed half-naked by Oliviero Toscani and styled by Etro. Also, one does not simply rent a villa with a pool in Rome to produce new music there, isolated from the rest of the world. And who else went to London for two whole months, shortly before the winter lockdown, just for inspiration? After the TikTok concert in Berlin – De Angelis and David are now wearing fishnet shirts that sparkle with every move, their bare nipples covered with an X of black tape – the band is posing with a few influencers. In the world of social media you would call that 'producing content'. But what does that mean for a band who are preaching their hosanna of authenticity? How authentic is Måneskin? And is their pointedly casual approach to sexuality and gender cliches in today's pop-cultural spirit more than a marketing strategy?

We're in the interview, the recording device is running for not even five minutes, when Victoria De Angelis says: “Actually, we just try to be ourselves and do what we really want to do.” And really: The more you listen to those four how they speak about the early days of the band in their slurred Roman dialect, about the shoe box and their own experiences with being different, but most importantly about their shared obsession [with music], the more you realise that [De Angelis] is  very serious. Ethan Torchio, who got his first drum kit at the age of six or seven from his father because he was beating everything he could reach, says: “For me, music is like food. I cannot live without it.” The bassist next to him laughs at his pathos. Singer Damiano David applauds the otherwise more reserved friend for his truthfulness [it says 'klarer Punkt', meaning 'for the point he makes', but it makes it seem like Damiano is agreeing with Ethan here, although it doesn't indicate whether he agrees that yes, music is everything for Ethan or that he understands and feels the same].

De Angelis and guitarist Raggi already knew each other from middle school and they were the ones who tried to form a band at the age of only 13, a band that actually took music seriously.

De Angelis: “It's just difficult at that age to find other people who really put everything into music and who truly commit themselves and are willing to invest a lot of their time.”

Raggi: “We set strict rules and scheduled fixed times for the rehearsals, for every day.”

David: “Fever, stomach ache, there was no excuse. Even if you were feeling sick in the rehearsal room. At least you were in the rehearsal room.”

The way the four of them talk across each other, completing each other's sentences, taking turns in talking and sometimes joking about each other, seems intimate and playful. Singer David remembers how at first bassist [De Angelis] was merciless towards him when it came to her first metal band project, as she told him that he wasn't committed enough [to the music]: “Back then I was still playing Basketball. I was one of the people that Vic absolutely didn't want [in her band].” Drummer Torchio was later discovered through Facebook, even though there had already been a drummer, a close friend, but he was not good enough. It seems as if even back then music was everything for them. Even if it meant that only Raggi managed to graduate.

And why rock, why rock music of all things? Because it's great, the four of them say in unison. David adds: “Actually, it's a genre that allows you to do everything you want to do.”

When they played on the street, they were laughed at by their classmates. But not only there. De Angelis explains that she never wanted to be a typical girl: “I was always deterred by those stupid boxes that people put you in, and that are just restricting and constraining you, because something is only regarded as male or female. I always rejected that. Instead, I just wanted to do the things I enjoyed doing, I went skating and played football.” Torchio says: “Friends who are not friends anymore were already telling me at the age of ten that those“ – he grabs his long, silky black hair – “were wrong. Because I'm a boy and boys are meant to have short hair, long hair is only for girls. I was bullied a lot for that.”

“Compared to the past, people in our age became much more open-minded. It gets better.” – Thomas Raggi

Frontman David on the other hand, for whom eye shadow, jingling earrings and nail polish as well as his bare torso with the tattoos have become trademarks by now, says: “I was actually more of the average boy.” De Angelis convinced him to try out some eyeliner, which he describes as a spiritual awakening: “I liked myself much more [with makeup]. I saw myself more as myself. As if it had been a suppressed desire of mine.” On a trip to Copenhagen with the others, when he realised that it really didn't matter what people were thinking about him, he got his first fake fur [coat? the article doesn't specify that] in a second-hand shop and let his clothing style be guided by his own love to experiment: “I realised that my whole life I was just going at half speed.” When it comes to diversity all four of them are becoming almost missionary.

At the same time, their success is not only opening doors for them. Back home in Rome they are barely able to go out on the street due to all the paparazzi. “[You need a] hoodie and huge sunglasses”, David says, “the mask is quite helpful, too.” And still, none of them is complaining, and Torchio explains why: “Even if those experiences right now may have sides that are not so pleasant, we still know that for us a dream is coming true. We experience something that we always had in our minds, so we are willing to face every consequence that this entails.”

So is the band facing difficult times, is Måneskin going to change with all the success? Again, all of them answer at the same time.

David: “I'm not worried about that.”

Raggi: “No way!”

De Angelis: “On the contrary. Everything that happened to us happened because we are who we are, so we want to continue the exact same way and stay ourselves.”

Just a few hours later, they are at the stage in Neukölln, bouncing around like pinballs, hammering at their instruments, flirting with each other. “We are out of our minds, but different from the others”, David sings their winning hymn against conformism, and: “The people talk, unfortunately they talk.” Here on stage, the four paradise birds [a German word describing someone with a flamboyant personality] with their half-nude-glittering outfits are radiating an incredible energy with the utmost sincerity, and you begin to wish there was a live audience instead of the TikTok cameras, absorbing and spreading this energy. Måneskin. A cry for a life after the pandemic, a cry for freedom and a better world.

“We do what we wished for all our lives.” – Ethan Torchio

[kyun-toast]

[MONSTA X] Changkyun - Happy Without Me

word count: 3.8k warnings: alcohol, suggestions of smoking, swearing, suggestions of sex summary: I don't think about you sometimes 'Cause I think about you all the time a/n: I’ve been listening to the All About Luv album a lot recently and Happy Without Me hit a little different the other day. I hope you don’t notice how I slacked off near the end 💜

“Yerim what are you wearing for tonight? I wanna look cute but not like ‘I’ve put effort in’ kinda cute, you know? Like I’m always this cute.”

Yerim laughed as she replied, “You’d look hot wearing a bin bag so shut up and let me know what drinks you want. It’s ‘bring your own booze’ so I was gonna run to the store for extra before we go.”

“Umm, vodka? Tequila? Maybe rum? I’m getting smashed tonight and you’re all going to carry me home, just letting you know.” Soobin winked and blew kisses at the both of you with a coy smile on her face, as some form of ‘thank you in advance’ for the troubles that you would be going through later that night. As much pain she put the both of you through, it was hard not to love her.

“Yeah, you say that as if that’s not what happens every week, you psycho.”

You smiled from the comfort of your sofa as you witnessed the two of your best friends bicker. You were never really one for parties, but you decided to let yourself go after an unfortunate night maybe five? six months ago. You thought that you could vent your frustrations into your notes app and be done with it, but your friends took pity and introduced you to another option. One where you could numb your mind with alcohol and crashing bass, and you figured that it was somewhat more enjoyable than cry-writing shitty poetry on a Friday night. Notes app therapy was now a thing of the past.

Changkyun had become such an integral part of your life that you couldn’t help yourself from unconsciously replaying memories that you had attempted to bury. A simple look at the most irrelevant objects would have him running through your mind before you could even stop yourself. Oh, we bought this mug together. You were surprised he hadn’t taken it with him when he left. It was his favourite mug to drink whiskey out of. Speaking of whiskey, you needed a drink. It had only taken days for him to make himself at home at the forefront of your thoughts but how long was it going to take to rid of him?

As much as you tried to keep those thoughts at bay, no amount of alcohol could ever stop them from crashing back over you whenever you saw that little smiley face appear at the top of your Instagram feed.

imnameim. When had he posted a story? You hadn’t seen the pink circle earlier. Would it be too early to look at it now? You couldn’t risk tapping on it only to see that it had been posted 12 seconds ago, just like you had done the other day. And the day before. And the day before that. Should you just make a burner account? No, that’s too far, we’re not going there today, bitch... Maybe tomorrow.

You hated how much power that tattoo face held over you, looking straight into your eyes - almost mockingly. Oh, did I look like a smiley face to you six months ago? Well, I’m a sad face now and that’s all you’re ever going to see.

“Y/N! Hey! You’re going to stare a hole into your phone.” Soobin clapped in your face, trying to get your attention. You looked up, softening your expression to meet Yerim’s eyes.

“Soobin was asking what you’re going to wear tonight.” Yerim said.

“I don’t know, probably that top I got yesterday?” you shrugged, unbothered by your friends’ question. You weren’t going to parties to impress anyone; you were going to drink the last of your braincells away.

“Y/N, ‘that top’ you got yesterday is a free t-shirt you got from the Domino’s pop-up stall on campus. I’m not letting you do this again.” Yerim dead panned.

“OK and...?” You met both of their concerned faces only to have them grab each of your arms.

“Come on. Up. That’s it.” You made unintelligible noises as they dragged you up off the sofa and into your closet. The thoughts about Changkyun’s story were left on the sofa as your mind was now filling with an excited buzz. “You act like you hate this, but I know you love getting trashed with us, Y/N.” Yerim laughed and you knew it too.

-

Changkyun lay in Jae-in’s bed, with her nestled in his chest as he looked up at the ceiling and sighed. Being careful not to wake her, he slowly squeezed his arm out from under her head to lay on his stomach to scroll through Instagram.

He had posted a story over an hour ago, half hoping that you’d see it – a cover of Dean’s Instagram. How ironic.

He shook his head at how pathetic his efforts seemed, whispering to himself, “What the hell are you doing?” He refreshed his feed for the last time to see that you had posted a video of the three of you dancing to a song in your walk-in closet. Probably drunk. Upon re-watching the video on loop for the third time, he concluded that you were most definitely drunk.

Seeing you having fun like this had him torn between being happy for you, moving on with your life and probably on to other men too. Being attractive plus the endless number of parties you went to now was just the perfect recipe. You were bound to have found someone.

And this is where the hatred washed over him. He despised it. Hated seeing you have fun without him, moving on as if he had never existed. Was it that easy for you to just forget? It seemed unfair that he was still struggling to keep you off his mind while you were out having the time of your life, letting your followers know of that fact too.

Deep down, he knew that he wasn’t happy for you at all. He was just trying to kid himself into thinking that he was. Be mature and everything. That was what both of you had agreed to be when your relationship came to an end. After days of what could probably be called a verbal equivalent of a nuclear war, the two of you had given up.

Crying, shouting, complete silence, you had done it all and there was no end in sight. On day three of radio silence, you felt as if you could do without speaking to Changkyun at all. When you brought it up, he admitted he felt the same. Exhaustion making both of you devoid of any emotion, you agreed to disagree and act like the fight had never happened. You were tired and wanted nothing more to do with it. Or each other. Thinking of yourselves as somewhat grown, you decided to be civil since you were in the same circle of friends, not wanting to burden them with any of your problems.

With so many things left unsaid and ties still loose, there was no way that you could just cut clean. But you never so much as bumped into each other since.

You hadn’t blocked each other though, as you both felt that it was some sign of weakness. Yeah, I’m tough enough to keep them on my socials. They don’t bother me. Not at all. But in the small hours of the morning, you were on each other’s profiles, hoping for a glimpse of what they were up to. Wondering if he had finished that song he was working on. If you were eating well. If he was really seeing Jae-in seriously. If you were well and truly happy.

“Hey, how are you doing?”

Y/N’s doing just fine for themselves, everyone can see that.

“Did you finish that essay?”

No, that’s too random.

“I think about you all the time.”

Shut up Changkyun.

Though you had both agreed to be ‘friends’, there was no easy way in going about messaging one another when you had fought so explosively. Changkyun also felt that he had missed the right timeframe for him to salvage whatever there was left of the relationship. Whether it be platonic or romantic. No matter how much he wanted to message you, his pride falsely masked as maturity stopped him from ever doing more than wish for you to call him and say that everything was going to be ok. That you can start over.

“Do you wanna go to Minhyuk’s house party?” Jae-in’s voice was heavy with sleep, squinting her eyes at the bright screen of her phone. Changkyun was startled from his thoughts, not realising that she had been woken up by a text.

“House party…?” Changkyun was dubious.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to, it’s just that we don’t ever do anything besides fuck, and I thought we could do with a change of scenery.”

“I mean yeah it’s just that we’ve never hung out with other people before. Like together.”

He had met Jae-in at a bar a few months ago. Holed up in his studio after the breakup, Changkyun got to channelling his anger into working on his music until his course mate Minhyuk persuaded him out for drinks. Minhyuk had flirted with the girls from the table over to get them to join in on the pity party. Jae-in had seated herself next to Changkyun and a few drinks later, they had quickly bonded over their childhood obsession with Death Note to which she followed up with an invitation to watch it at her place. Who was Kyun to reject? With all this pent-up energy to spare, music wasn’t quite cutting it.  

“I doubt anyone will care that we arrived together.” Jae-in shrugged. “Let’s go.”

-

“Yeah, I invited Jae-in and I think Changkyun might come with her too.” Minhyuk stated nonchalantly over the phone. You choked on your wine and thanked God that the music in your room was loud enough to cover the unnatural sound you had just made. “Y/N, is that ok? I should have asked you befo-”

“No, I don’t care.” You replied a little too quickly, “It’s been months and we broke up on good terms anyway, remember?”

“MINNIE! I MISS YOU!” Soobin drunkenly shouted across the room as Yerim held her back from throwing herself at the phone.

“I MISS YOUR FACE TOO, BINNIE! I’LL SEE YOU LATER!” Minhyuk chuckled as he didn’t hesitate to match her volume through the phone.

“Ugh, you two make me sick”, Yerim rolled her eyes, “You literally saw each other this morning. Just get together already.”

As Soobin and Minhyuk continued to chat, engulfed in their own little world, you reached to grab another drink. If Minhyuk’s predictions were right, you were going to need something stronger than wine to get you through the night.

-

Stepping into Minhyuk’s apartment, Changkyun could feel the bass rumble underneath his feet already.

“Hey! You made it! I thought you guys weren’t going to come, it’s so late! But we have drinks and snacks in the kitchen. Oh, and Jae-in, the bathrooms just through the hallway on the right…” Minhyuk’s voice trailed off into the loud music. Changkyun followed behind Jae-in as his friend gave the newcomer a guided tour of his place.

Though he was familiar with the apartment, it felt a little weird for him to walk through it with someone else by his side. A pack of cards strewn over the floor jogged his memory back to a particularly warm night in June. With the sun just beginning to rise, you both stood below Minhyuk’s balcony at 4am. You shouted,

“HEY MINHYUK, WE’RE GOING TO PLAY UNO AT YOUR PLACE, D’YOU WANNA JOIN?”

“THOUGHT WE’D ASK IN CASE YOU’D FEEL LEFT OUT.” Changkyun added. You both snickered as Minhyuk opened his window to shout back at you, regretting that he had ever given you two the spare keys to his apartment.

“ARE YOU REALLY INVITING ME TO PLAY CARDS MY OWN HOUSE RIGHT NOW?!” Birds fluttered away startled, as a neighbouring window flashed on a light in annoyance. Your shouting combined could never top the sheer volume of Minhyuk’s voice. Changkyun grabbed your hand as you ran into the building laughing before the neighbour could join in on the screaming match.

With classes finished for the year, you had what felt like an infinite amount of time on your hands. Kyun smiled to himself as he was reminded of those summer nights that he had spent with you. Stargazing, pillow talking, daydreaming on repeat.

“Yeah, so you can get to the outdoor space through the living room but I’m giving you special access to my little balcony through my room because you’re uh, Changkyun’s friend.” Minhyuk grinned as he ended his tour.

Upon entering the actual party in the lounge, Changkyun stopped in his tracks at the sight of you on the other side of the room. For a moment, the smoke in the room seemed to clear as his eyes trained on you throw your head back in laughter at Yerim’s animated storytelling. Hearing your voice so crystal clear made his heart swell with something that he couldn’t quite put into words. Half a year had passed since he had last seen you, sat broken on the floor of your apartment, explaining that it would be best to part ways. You had looked so drained of emotion then; it was such a stark contrast to what he was seeing now. He stood frozen, heart beating hard against his chest like a hammer.

“Kyun! Why are you so late?” Wonho, another friend of Kyun’s appeared out of nowhere with a bottle of tequila in his hand. “You gotta catch up on the drinks now, come on, open your mouth.” Wonho went to grab his face with one hand as he proceeded to try and pour some alcohol into his mouth jokingly. Changkyun chuckled as he play-fought with Wonho only to stop midway when he noticed Jae-in smiling at the sight.

“Oh, this is my friend Jae-in.” Kyun straightened up and brushed off his clothes.

Wonho went to shake her hand as Minhyuk snuck up behind him.

"Yeah, friend.” He giggled as he raised his brows suggestively and left as quickly as he appeared shouting, “Binnie! Where are you? We gotta go make those s’mores you wanted!”

Changkyun rolled his eyes and smiled as he guided Jae-in to the nearest table of drinks and set to introducing her to the rest of his friends, hoping that you wouldn’t notice him.

-

At this point, the three of you were beyond gone. Soobin had already passed out with a s’more in her hand as Minhyuk hauled her over his shoulder to put her to sleep in the guest room.

“And she.. she was telling me to sythensi.. she was telling me thynsenise, no, synsi.. she wanted me to synthesise, there we go, snythi…” Yerim tripped over words, dead set on getting her pronunciation right while Hyungwon sat and nodded with his signature painful smile on his face. She was determined, hand on his shoulder with a grip that let him know he wasn’t going anywhere until she had finished her story.

As for you? You were sat next to Yerim, a vacant smile on your face as you struggled to keep your eyes open. Day drinking followed up with a house party in the evening really wasn’t the best idea for the lightweights that you are but there you were, listening to your friend repeat the same sentence over and over again. An urgent voice in your head piped up, letting you know that you should probably go for a breath of fresh air.

“Yerim, hey, Yerim, I’m.. going for some air… stay with Hyungwon okay? Hyungwon, call me if anything happens?” You stood up, struggling to find your balance and teetered across the room to get to Minhyuk’s balcony.

The thing about you is that you are one of those blessed people that can sober up as quickly as they get smashed. You felt refreshed, taking in a deep breath as if to cleanse your alcohol ridden bloodstreams with the cool evening air. Your head still spun a little but as long as you kept your eyes anchored on the moon, you’d be fine in no time.

As much as your body needed a break from the party, it wasn’t the greatest timing for your mental state. Once you had assumed that Changkyun wasn’t coming to the party, you let go of the anxiety holding you back from enjoying yourself. You had been overstimulated from the alcohol, music, and people, not giving yourself a chance to think about anything else. But once those factors were gone, it was just you, alone with your drunken thoughts on a balcony looking up at the moon. And just like that, those suppressed memories regarding a certain boy couldn’t help but unpack themselves from your unconscious. Oh man, this was going to be such a good cry.

-

Changkyun was beginning to feel a little too tipsy for his liking. Though he was having a great time, it felt as if he wasn’t entirely present at the scene, like he was watching and laughing along through a TV screen. He slipped away from the kitchen island to get a breather.

“Oh shit, sorry, I didn’t realise anyone was here.” He apologised, going to close the door of Minhyuk’s balcony to a figure hunched over the railing. You looked up from your hands at him and tried to focus on the blurry face.

His movements faltered when your eyes met, door still open. Just one look at you was enough for that knock back into reality Changkyun had needed. God were you a sight for sore eyes. He drank up the way your cheeks and nose were flushed pink, how your eyes were glossy in the moonlight, eyelashes thick with tears, and the way the softly coloured city lights behind you framed your face. With the night air stained with your perfume and the sounds of muted traffic perfecting the scene, he had never felt so in the present until now. He wanted this moment to last a lifetime.

“Changkyun?” You replied, as you wiped your eyes clear of the tears blurring your vision. You could tell that voice apart anywhere, you only questioned in the slight chance that you were just hallucinating, going insane.

“Are you ok? I can leave if you want, I-” He began hurriedly, knowing that you hated having anyone see you cry.

“I’m fine.” You sniffed.

“Bad day?” He asked softly, bringing himself to stand next to you, looking over at the cityscape.

“Yeah, something like that.” You replied, letting out a small laugh as you wiped the last of the tears from your face. 

Tension hung so thick in the air you could feel it weigh down on your shoulders. Changkyun hated that you, the person he had once shared the deepest parts of his mind with, was someone he was now so uncomfortable with.

You both stood there awhile, looking out at the blinking lights of the cityscape. As quiet as it was, you could almost hear the sound of your brains whirring, going back and forth over whether or not you should say something to break the silence. Changkyun had spent months thinking of questions he wanted to ask you for when this moment came, but the alcohol and nerves fogged up his mind. All he could think of doing was holding you in his arms, hoping for you to be able to feel his apologies, sincerity and promises through the beating of his chest.

A heavy pressing in your lungs only intensified, as you thought about how the present situation had become the outcome of those few perfect years. You regulated your breathing, trying to break down the lump from coming up in your throat, on the verge of tears again. Thinking back, you realised that you probably could have been a little more understanding, could have softened your sharp words, could have opened your heart up some more to allow for Changkyun to do so in return. These thoughts and emotions bubbled up inside your chest to spill out of your mouth before you even knew what you wanted to say.

“Changkyun, I-”

“I found a really nice place for nights like this. Y/N.” he cut across with an anxious tremble in his voice. He could feel the apology ready to tumble from your lips, he had to stop you from apologising for things that you really didn’t need to. He hated that your heart was so big and so loving that you were willing to start trying to mend this relationship first. But he hated himself more for not having the courage to try to be even half as loving as you are.

He continued, still looking out over the balcony, worried that he’d start to tear up if he met your eyes again, “you can see the stars so clearly, it’s insane.”

You turned to him, tears welling in your eyes again. Despite having cut each other from your lives for what felt like a lifetime, it broke you how he could still read you like his favourite book.

“Can we go? Y/N? I’ve waited so long to show you.”

Hot tears fell down your cheeks again as Changkyun noticed and turned to you, pulling you into his chest as you cried out the mess of emotions you had amassed. 

The person you had wanted to talk about your breakup with Changkyun the most, was so ironically Changkyun. He’d know how to calm you down, how to sort out your problems with ice cream in bed like any other issue you were facing. But what were you supposed to do when you had cut the one who understood you the most so bluntly from your life? Who were you supposed to turn to when you wanted to talk about that?

Your cries pierced into his heart deeper with every second that passed, feeling the hurt in your voice in the deepest parts of his soul. He replied by holding you tighter, and you could feel all those things he left unsaid that day you left in the warmth of his chest.

“We don’t have to rush,” He whispered into your hair, “I have all the time in the world for you. Let it out.”

He brought a hand up from your shoulders hesitantly, feeling almost undeserving of comforting you after the pain he had caused you. But to you, his hand stroking your hair was where you found your solace.

So, there you stood, in each other’s arms having poured out your hearts to one another without having said a single word. But you both knew that you felt every single one.

[honey-dewey]

Dimple

Pairing: Maxwell Lord/Reader

Word Count: 1,429

Warnings: None!

Permanent Taglist: @phoenixhalliwell @star-wars-hell

It’s rare you see your husband smile. Well, no. You see him smile daily, but those are cheap smiles. Smiles meant to persuade. You’re talking about genuine smiles, ones that are mindless and perfect and show off a dimple you haven’t seen since your wedding day. And Goddammit, you will do whatever it takes to see that dimple again.

“Babe?”

You looked up from your book, seeing Max standing there in his new suit. “Looks good,” you said, turning a page and humming. “I like that color on you.”

Max grinned, sitting next to you on the couch. “Do you?”

“Mhm,” you said, looking at Max. “Why?”

“No reason,” Max promised, checking his watch. “Gotta go. Kisses?”

You leaned over and kissed your husband, feeling him smile beneath your lips.

“Love you!” He said, standing up and walking towards the door. “See you afterwards. I’ll be home by ten.”

You waved, curling your legs up under yourself and going back to your book.

Around dinner time, you got up and reheated some leftovers, eating absently while sitting on the kitchen counter. The house was quiet, as it usually was when Max was working and Alistair was with his mother. You sighed, breaking the quiet and putting your bowl in the sink. When the house was like this, the silence was stifling, and only one thing could cure that.

The photo album.

The album was old, from a few years back and filled to the brim with photos of you and Max. You sat cross legged on your bed, surrounded by the thick blankets and flipping absently through the album. Some photos were goofy, some were more professional, and some just made you happy.

Eventually, you hit the wedding pictures. They took up a few pages, and the biggest one was your favorite. A picture of you and your husband laughing with each other over dinner, still all dressed up. Max had cake on his face, and you had accidentally shattered a plastic fork between your teeth. It was the worst opportunity for a photo, but it was a genuine moment and it always made you smile. Tracing over the picture, you noticed a small detail about Max that you hadn’t noticed before.

He had a dimple.

You blinked a few times. Surely you would’ve noticed your husband had a dimple. It was on his face, and he was always smiling on TV. Sure, you had probably noticed on your wedding day, but since then, it had slipped your mind. Had he never smiled that wide since your wedding?

Determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, you continued to flip through the album. In every few photos, you could see Max’s dimple, only on one side, which was adorable. You discovered that he just never smiled genuinely enough for the dimple to be obvious.

Standing and stretching, you slid the album away and set a plan for yourself as you got into bed and waited for Max.

You would absolutely see that damn dimple.

Max, as promised, came home late. You barely heard him get into bed, and you were just awake enough to roll over into his arms and fall asleep for the night.

The morning came fast, and before you knew it, you were waking up to the sun shining through the window and Max insisting on five more minutes. You indulged your husband, running your fingers through his sleep disheveled hair. As much as you loved the fancy and very put together TV Maxwell, the Max who woke with a bed head and wore oversized t-shirts around the house while carrying a cup of coffee was the man you’d married.

That Max made an appearance when you two finally got out of bed, Max a complete mess as you handed him a cup of coffee and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “How’d the thing go last night?”

“Good,” Max said, sipping his coffee. “We finally presented that huge project, and the potential partners agreed to work with us.”

“That’s good,” you agreed. “Does the success mean you get a day off?”

Max grinned, not wide enough to see the dimple. “Yeah, actually. It does. What do you want to do with our day off?”

You brightened. “Cuddle?”

Max laughed, pulling you into a hug. “Of course we can cuddle.”

Which was how you two ended up on the couch. You were practically on top of Max, his arms securely around you while you absently hummed with some commercial on the TV. The channel was doing a huge classic Disney rerun, so you and Max were watching Alice in Wonderland.

“What do you want for lunch?”

“I dunno,” you said softly, kissing Max’s face and sticking your tongue out. “You need to shave.”

Max gasped overdramatically. “What? I thought you loved my facial hair!”

You began to laugh. “Max, hon, no. You left horrible beard burn on my thighs last time you had any facial hair.”

“I could totally pull off a mustache,” Max decided, grinning. “Just the mustache, like those government agents, remember that?”

“Oh yeah,” you said, remembering when you’d watched some foreign news and saw a thing about drugs in Columbia. “Absolutely not, you would look ridiculous.”

Max pouted, and you poked his cheek, where you could see the tiny dip where his dimple was. “Plus, I wouldn’t be able to see this if you didn’t shave.”

“My cheek?”

“You’ve got a dimple,” you said, ignoring the movie playing on the TV. “Did you seriously not know?”

Max shook his head. “No, I knew. Just didn’t think you did.”

“Well I do,” you said, pressing your ear to Max’s chest and hearing his heartbeat. “And I wanna see it.”

Max grinned, almost mischievously. “You’ll have to earn that privilege, darling.”

You gasped. “Maxwell, I am your spouse!”

“Mhm,” Max agreed. “You have to earn your rewards. You know this.”

Despite your red face, you were still able to roll off Max and cross your arms in a very childish pout. “You’re no fun.”

Max grabbed your waist, pulling you close again. “Aw, is someone mad at me?”

You pouted, seizing the presented opportunity and kissing Max’s nose. “Yes.”

Laughing, Max stood and scooped you off the couch princess style, much to your happy squealing as you gripped Max’s neck and tried not to topple out of his arms. “Maxwell!”

“Yes darling?”

“Put me down!”

Max’s mischievous grin grew. “If you insist.” And then he dropped you.

You screamed, knowing the bed was beneath you and laughing when Max fell basically next to you, throwing one arm out over your body and effectively trapping you in place.

“Max,” you groaned, rolling over. “Max!”

“What?”

You scooted out from under his arm and sat on top of him, straddling his thighs. Slowly pushing your hands up his chest, exposing his belly, you noticed Max’s skin heating beneath your hands. “Babe,” he said, voice strained. “Babe, it’s noon, are you sure about this?”

Smiling, you shimmied down and began to press kisses to Max’s stomach. When he was least expecting it, however, you popped your lips just above his belly button and blew a raspberry into his skin.

The effect was immediate. Max screamed with laughter, squirming and almost kneeing you in the throat. He did end up sinking his knee into your chest, almost dislodging you. But at the new discovery that Max was ticklish, you were determined to keep going. So you did what any sensible partner would’ve done. You showed no mercy and tickled Max.

It turned quickly into all out war. Max, in tears, somehow managed to gain the upper hand, rolling you onto your back and trapping you on the bed with his knees. He began to return the favor, tickling you with as much mercy as you’d given him. You probably kicked him a few times in your desperate attempt to dislodge him, but he was unrelenting in his assault.

“Max!” You managed to scream out through your laughter, completely out of breath and starting to feel your stomach curl in pain. “Max! I concede!”

Max sat back on his heels, seemingly satisfied as he pressed the palms of his hands against your stomach, gentle in his touch. “Happy?”

You reached up, stroking your thumb over Max’s dimple, which was on full display. “Very,” you murmured. “And so are you.”

Max’s smile never died as you both relaxed, stomachs aching and skin red from the recent attacks.

At some point, before the sun went down but after you had eaten something for lunch, Max stroked a finger down your face, still smiling. “I love you.”

You grinned, rolling onto your side and poking Max’s cheeks. “I love you too dork. Thank you for indulging me.” You leaned forward, kissing Max’s dimple.

“For you,” Max said softly, kissing your forehead as you lay back down. “I would do anything.”

[lovejustforaday]

Sonic Youth Albums Ranked (Part 3)

6. Sister (1987)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Alternative Rock, Post-Punk

A decent sampling of: Experimental Rock

This is the first LP in the Sonic Youth discography accessible enough to be labelled a true ‘Alternative Rock’ record. It’s still rough around the edges, but Sister is full of catchy hooks and thrilling guitar sounds. I feel like this record and Daydream Nation probably went on to spawn at least 200 new alternative rock bands by the time the 90s came around (not that I was there to see it or anything, just speculation).

Sister deserves a lot of credit for solidifying on tracks like “Catholic Block” and “Stereo Sanctity” what would become the dominant formula for the band’s sound throughout most of the rest of their discography. I think that's part of the reason why this is Sonic Youth’s second most acclaimed and beloved record. Perhaps some fans would even be downright offended that I only put this at #6 on the list, but trust me when I say that this is only because the band has made so many fantastic records. In fact, for most bands, this would easily be their greatest record.

I can still remember the first time I heard the opening to “Schizophrenia”, I had never heard anything quite like it. The guitars sound upbeat yet worn out and dejected, making me feel isolated and almost spiritually weak when I listen to this track, yet somehow also comforted. The song is partially inspired by Kim’s older brother who has schizophrenia, though the roles are reversed in this song with a brother whose sister is schizophrenic. It’s a deeply fascinating and memorable piece, and I can see why many fans consider this to be a top five Sonic Youth track.

Most of the rest of Sister is very scratchy and punkish with some very tight guitar work, like “Catholic Block” which boasts one of my favourite melodic riffs in the Sonic Youth canon. There’s also “Hot Wire My Heart”, another major highlight and a cover of the obscure British punk band Crime, where Sonic Youth takes their song and upgrades the guitars and drums while also adding a bold wall of feedback at the end.

Then there’s “Pacific Coast Highway”, a completely sickening song and one of Kim’s very finest moments as a lyricist and vocalist. This haunting noise rock jumble tells the story of either a unhinged stranger, or perhaps a resentful ex-lover, who is obsessively catcalling the listener from their car, with the not-so-subtle implication that you’re all by yourself somewhere and that this person intends to harm you. I have no idea if this was written about a personal experience, but I do know from listening to their voices that this is something many women have either gone through or live in perpetual fear of. Seriously fucked up stuff, but also one of Sonic Youth’s very best tracks.

"Cotton Crown” is an odd one out in the Sonic Youth discography; an uncharacteristically sincere but still off-kilter love song that Kim and Thurston sing as a duet. Their voices are a bit out of tune with each other, but i think that honestly fits the Sonic Youth aesthetic and it’s sweet in its own quirky way, although very bittersweet decades later with hindsight about the fate of their relationship. Sort of a noise rock lullaby almost, maybe even with hints of early shoegaze.

Sister does a really good job of taking the seemingly juxtaposing ideas of the ‘fun’ and the ‘grotesque’ and fuses them together. This album is both largely exciting and still somehow alienating and depressive. It’s textbook Sonic Youth, really. I will say that the best tracks are clustered together with a noticeably weaker middle portion, but really this is still a consistently great record throughout. Altogether, Sister is one of the many entries in the band’s discography from 1986 through 1990 where Sonic Youth could basically do no wrong. A classic record.

9/10

highlights: “Pacific Coast Highway��, “Schizophrenia”, ‘Catholic Block”, “Cotton Crown”, “Hot Wire My Heart”, “Beauty Lies in the Eye”

5. A Thousand Leaves (1998)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Experimental Rock

A decent sampling of: Alternative Rock, Post-Rock, Neo-Psychedelia

I’m just gonna say this now: A Thousand Leaves is by far Sonic Youth’s most underrated record. It’s also the last truly amazing record that the band ever put out. Maybe it’s just the bizarre choice of an album cover that turns people off of this LP. Really, what the hell were they going for here with the minimalist hamster vibes? The beautiful title really suggests something a lot more visually stunning.

In all seriousness though, I feel like nobody talks about this one because it’s overshadowed by its predecessor Washing Machine, but if there’s one area that this record exceeds above all other Sonic Youth LPs, it’s that it perfectly captures that mellow feeling that the later Sonic Youth albums were inclined towards. Not a lot of Sonic Youth records put me at ease like this one does.

Likewise, this is maybe the most ‘feel-good’ record in their discography along with Murray Street. But where Muray Street is something you could put on in the background and enjoy pretty modestly, A Thousand Leaves is a largely experimental, out-of-body experience that pulls you into its surreal, flowery, evergreen world.

“Contre Le Sexism” is a perfect opener for this kind of record; this quiet daze of a waking dream is both dainty and delirious, alluding to Alice in Wonderland with Kim’s vocals never before sounding so gentle and bright. I swear I start to hear a door creak at the end. Maybe that’s the sound of stepping out into the rest of A Thousand Leaves.

What follows immediately after is “Sunday” which is actually one of the band’s poppiest moments, making it somewhat of an outlier on this highly avant-garde and immersive record. But the warm spring vibes of the melody fits right in. The wall of sound introduced during the bridge is a soft mesmerizing bliss more akin to a band like My Bloody Valentine, if not for the tiny distant screeches of atonality whirling around here and there. As a big fan of both bands, I’m all for this kind of sound.

“Wildflower Soul” is easily one of the best things Sonic Youth has ever written. Endless amounts of creativity are poured into this nine minute noise rock acrobatics performance along with a lyrical ode to love, nature, and childhood. The vibes of this one are really quite jaw-dropping given the fact that these are the same guys who wrote “Schizophrenia” and “Death Valley ‘69″. There’s such unison and harmony in the band’s performance here as they switch between different bpm and even time signatures, and the usage of the heavy phaser effect towards the end sounds nothing short of godlike. "Wildflower Soul” almost feels like an entire album experience in one song, and I’m beyond impressed every time I listen to it.

This makes for a hard act to follow, but A Thousand Leaves still has plenty of other highlights. “French Tickler” is a strange and satisfying track that switches back and forth between a playful melody and churning, stretchy distortion. “Karen Koltrane” is a murky but textured portrait of Lee Renaldo’s ex-girlfriend, who got addicted to hallucinogens and became heavily withdrawn from the rest of the world. “Snare, Girl” is a soothing spell where Thurston sounds like he’s trying to coax the listener into a never-ending slumber.

My only real complaint here is “Hits of Sunshine (For Allen Ginsberg)”, a lackadaisical jam session that sounds cool enough, but really overstays its welcome given the lack of development it achieves over its eleven minute run time. It’s a nice piece to vibe to, but it very noticeably disrupts the album’s flow. Take this one track away entirely, or even just edit it down severely, and this would probably be a 10/10 record for me.

Still, wow what a cool album. A Thousand Leaves is a great example of why I respect this band so much. Even this late into their career, Sonic Youth were willing to try so many new bizarre things while also building judiciously upon the foundations of their past work with great attention to detail. I wouldn’t recommend most people start with this one, it’s definitely a bit more challenging especially if you haven’t listened to some other really weird experimental rock records. But once you’re in the right headspace for it, it’s easy to get almost completely lost in A Thousand Leaves.

9/10

highlights: “Wildflower Soul”, “Sunday”, “French Tickler”, “Karen Koltrane”, “Snare, Girl”, “Contre Le Sexism”, “Heather Angel”

4. Goo (1990)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Alternative Rock

A decent sampling of: Experimental Rock, Post-Punk

Goo was my very first Sonic Youth album, and I can definitely still feel some of the old teenage angst that I had at the time whenever I listen to this one. What probably adds to that feeling is the fact that this along with Daydream Nation is one of the two albums in the band’s discography that I’d say possesses a great deal of immediacy. Albums like Sister and A Thousand Leaves are a bit more subtle and they take a while to be fully digested. But this one, this one hit me like a brick wall.

Between “Tunic (Song For Karen)”, “Kool Thing”, and “Cinderella’s Big Score”, Goo is above all others the Sonic Youth record where Kim Gordon is really the star of the band, featuring not one but three of her most captivating songs. Likewise, I would also say that this is Sonic Youth’s most overtly feminist and socially conscious record.

I don’t know if anybody else feels this way, but to me the opener “Dirty Boots” really does sound like “Teen Age Riot” part 2. That’s not a bad thing of course, Sonic Youth making more songs like “Teen Age Riot” could never be a bad thing, and “Dirty Boots” is definitely one of the highlights of Goo with its massive build up of kinetic energy. That being said, I do have to say that I don’t think any song could do this particular kind of album opener better than “Teen Age Riot” already does it, but I still really do enjoy “Dirty Boots”.

“Tunic (Song For Karen)” is one of Sonic Youth’s most poetic and poignant songs. Kim’s sing-talking voice is even more solemn than usual as she takes on a surreal retelling of the final days of drummer/pop star pioneer Karen Carpenter from her perspective, highlighting the severity of her loneliness and the criminal negligence of many of the people around her who let her succumb to her eating disorder. Set to a backdrop of stark and droning alternative rock, I would say that this is possibly the band’s most depressing moment and certainly one of the biggest statements that they ever made.

A lot of the rest of Goo is actually pretty fun though. “Kool Thing” features Chuck D on guest vocals, and its a funny sarcastic take down of the subjugation of women’s voices in supposedly liberated spaces like the world of rock and hip hop, inspired by the time Kim interviewed L.L. Cool J and attempted to have a political conversation. The song mocks L.L.’s attitude towards women while also poking fun at Kim’s own self-perceived elitism. There’s also “Mote”, a sensational head rush that dissolves into noise rock weird-isms, sorta recreating the feeling of going from buzzed to totally black out.

“Mildred Pierce” is almost a practical joke but I kind of love the hell out of it anyway. A short track with lyrics consisting only of the song’s title, it starts with the band getting into a nice little riff before (without warning) bursting into a hardcore punk cacophony as Thurston screams the name over and over into the listener’s ears. Made me jump the first time I heard it.

And then there’s “Cinderella’s Big Score”. If “Schizophrenia” vaguely hinted at Kim’s estranged relationship with her older brother, then “Cinderella’s Big Score” confronts it dead on. Featuring some of the band’s most totally insane and disfigured guitar work ever, this song sounds harsh and militant, like the dawn of a nuclear cataclysm. It’s very hard to believe that Kim is 37 years old here; she reverts to sounding exactly like a hurt teenage little sister, rebelling against her childhood trauma and lashing out at her brother’s past bullying and now his cold indifference towards her.

The song grapples with some very painful emotions, but the experience is raw and cathartic. “Cinderella’s Big Score” is definitely somewhere in Sonic Youth’s top 10 tracks for me; it just doesn’t get any realer than this. Honestly, the record could’ve ended here. I like “Titanium Expose” enough as a closer, but this would’ve made a really powerful and lasting impression to end the album.

Despite that, Goo is an excellent Sonic Youth record that demonstrates just how much the band had mastered their craft after a decade of making all sorts of noises. Obviously I’m biased since it was my own first Sonic Youth record, but I really do feel like this is the very best place to start with the band. Goo is one of their more melodic and accessible offerings, but it’s also one of their most provocative records and it really captures the essence of Sonic Youth’s identity.

9/10

highlights: “Cinderella’s Big Score”, “Tunic (Song For Karen)”, “Mote”, “Kool Thing”, “Dirty Boots”, ‘Mildred Pierce”

3. EVOL (1986)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Experimental Rock, Post-Punk

A decent sampling of: No Wave, Alternative Rock

If Bad Moon Rising was bleak and desolate, than EVOL is disturbed, uncanny, and deeply paranoid. Sonic Youth’s third record evokes the feeling of being all alone at midnight on a sketchy highway, complete with mental images of flickering street lights and looming shadowy figures. I mentioned earlier that I have to be in the right mood to enjoy Bad Moon Rising, but this record puts me in the right mood almost instantly whenever I put it on.

EVOL isn’t exactly a no wave album like their first two records. The highly experimental influence is still there, but the arrangements are starting to sound fuller and more intentional.

You could say that this LP marks somewhat of a transitional phase between Sonic Youth the no wave band and Sonic Youth the alternative rock band, and in many respects it has the best of both worlds. There’s a few catchy darker alternative rock songs here and there, sandwiched between tracks that could best be described as ‘mad scientist’ music, which altogether creates a varied and unique album experience.

“Tom Violence“ immediately establishes the tone of EVOL with crooked, scraping flashes of post-punk guitars. This track reminds me of heads hung low, bodies slouched uncomfortably, and the feeling of being completely wide awake at 2:00 am. There’s something very unfriendly that lurks beneath the dissonance of these sounds.

If “Tom Violence” is uneasy, then “Shadow of A Doubt” is an auditory nightmare, managing to capture something akin to the fear of being watched by an unknown stranger hiding in the shadows. Notes are gently plucked like icy cold fingers slowly crawling up the listener’s back while Kim whispers about murder plots and oneirophrenia. The “just a dream” lyrical motif is first uttered reassuringly, but eventually turns into a desperate plea as Kim begins to shout frantically and the music intensifies.

The album dials down the spook factor a few notches with “Starpower” and “In The Kingdom #19″. The former is an early example of Sonic Youth’s ability to combine melodic hooks with meandering chaos that would become refined on the next few LPs, while the latter features Lee’s first solo vocals (and one of his best performances) reciting a lucid, jet black vision of a car accident. Thurston threw firecrackers into the recording studio when they did Lee’s vocals on this track and you can hear it in the recording, and just like “Mildred Pierce” it really caught me off guard the first time I heard it.

“Secret Girl” is the scariest fucking thing in the whole Sonic Youth discography, and also just one of the scariest songs I’ve ever heard. It starts with a deep shuddering thud that sounds like it’s getting closer and closer. Then out of nowhere, a cassette-recording of an old detuned piano starts to play a simple, unnerving refrain while Kim offers a cryptic and uncomfortably suggestive spoken word piece. It feels like a scene that might play out in a horror film, where a television screen comes on by itself and the person on the screen begins to talk directly to the viewer.

Finally, there’s “Expressway To Yr Skull” (alternatively titled “Madonna, Sean, and Me”), which would be my #1 Sonic Youth album closer if not for the #1 album on this list. That being said, this song is still one of the biggest highlights of the band’s career. "Expressway To Yr Skull” starts off restless and spectacular, leading up to an utterly earth-shaking climax, and then it’s as if the song promptly dies, only to become a lingering undead entity that pulls you down with it. I still can’t get over how the ending really manages to sound like it’s dragging you down further and further into its barren depths.

To add to that, there’s actually a locked groove on the original vinyl release of this LP that plays the last little bit of “Expressway To Yr Skull”, meaning that if you let the needle sit there, it will forever loop that last little bit of droning at the end of the track. I really appreciate this little detail; it’s as if the pervasive darkness of EVOL is so encompassing that it could turn into a deep midnight that never ends.

EVOL is honestly so close to being a 10 for me, but just like Sister I find that it is decently weaker towards the middle. Still, I’m absolutely enamored with the atmosphere on this album. No gothic rock record has ever managed to sound so deeply unsettling to my ears like this little experimental record does. You really just have to experience this one for yourself. Honestly, don’t be surprised if in a year or two I’ve changed my mind and bumped this one to a 10.

9/10

highlights: “Expressway To Yr Skull”, “Shadow Of A Doubt”, “Tom Violence”, “Secret Girl”, “In The Kingdom #19″, “Starpower”

[peralta-guaranteed]

Romantic epiphanies are dope

At what point, though, had she decided that it was Jake of all people who would disrupt her calendar so completely, while also fulfilling the dreams she didn’t dare write down on it?

After all, if 11-year-old Amy had been asked to create a binder on her future husband - Jake would have not even been mentioned in the footnotes. If she could’ve wished for a partner back then, she definitely wouldn’t have specified that he had to be dorky and clumsy, constantly making bad jokes, living on a diet that would send any other person to the hospital for malnutrition, obsessed with action movies and cop heroics, spending his free time and money on the most useless things anyone could think of, and pranking and bothering her to his heart’s content.

-*-*-*-

On the evening of their engagement, Amy wonders about her own romantic epiphanies and what made her decide that Jake was the person she was going to spend the rest of her life with.

Read it on AO3

“What about you?”

The scene at Shaw’s bar had settled down a bit after the united ring of the squad had broken down into their own little groups as they always did. Gina was busy admiring Terry’s biceps from a corner booth, phone in hand as always, while he played a game of darts with Jake, who was shooting glances over to Amy every few seconds as if they had been apart for months again instead of just a few minutes. Charles was extolling the virtues of some new restaurant to Captain Holt, who definitely looked like he was preparing to leave ever since he’d stepped foot into the bar. Hitchcock and Scully were… well, somewhere, either asleep or eating, probably.

And Rosa was sliding onto the barstool next to Amy, a cocktail glass - Moscow Mule, her favourite, Amy had learned after literally a year of sleuthing - in her hand and a curious glint in her eye that didn’t quite fit the usually stoic face.

“Hmm~?” Amy gave her a quizzical look - she was not yet anywhere on her scale of drunkenness, still holding the beer she’d used to cheer during today’s round of toasts. She didn’t  want to get drunk tonight - she wanted to remember it all, forever. The little diamonds of her wonderful new ring were shining just perfectly against the dark brown bottle.

“What about you, Santiago. When was your romantic epiphany? Knowing that you’ll say yes if he asks?” Rosa raised an eyebrow and schooled a more appropriate, serious look on her face. “Because let’s be honest, as sweet as Jake is, his’ was pretty lame. You do cross word puzzles like, every night.”

“Oh, I see.” Amy gave the label on her beer a good scratching, peeling off the edges slightly. “I guess-” she started, but nothing else came.

While Rosa usually enjoyed drinking in silence far more than anything, right now she was on the level of inebriated where she would actually let loose enough to, ugh,  chat . And she wanted to chat with Amy, of all people. Well, she supposed, maybe that wasn’t quite so strange, considering she was one of her best friends. Actually, her best friend. Girl-wise, next to Jake. It was still a struggle to admit to herself that these two absolute dorks were far more than just co-workers to her, sometimes even more than just simple friends.

But Amy was still silent, staring at her drink as if it held the answer to everything (which it definitely didn’t if it turned her into Spacey Amy on drink 1).

“It’s fine if you don't have one, you know. S’not always like the movies.”

“No no, it’s just- it’s kinda-” The beer’s label was peeling some more, and the bottle was almost empty after another sip.

It was just kinda… the fact that Amy had always been split down two very different sides concerning marriage.

On the one hand, it had never really occurred to her. Her life plan, hanging proudly over her bed while she was living alone, now replaced by a movie poster of Jake’s that was luckily not Die Hard and the plan relegated to her little office corner, made no mention of it. She had plans for her career - many of them - and actually a few goals for her private life as well, to maintain a healthy work-life-balance as one should. But marriage? There had never been a date set on her wall for that. It was too risky, she’d reasoned even as a teen while drawing up her first plan. Unpredictable, since it involved a whole other person, and relationships couldn’t be planned and dated down to the day, which she hated to think about, and she wouldn’t have much time to date anyway if she was gearing up to be the youngest female Captain in NYPD history. And, if she was completely honest, it was sometimes too scary to think about as well - she knew she was a difficult person to be around, in some ways. Definitely difficult to handle as a romantic partner. What if she couldn't find a man willing to put in that work? And then see the dates on her calendar pass by, alone, or crying from heartbreak? No, marriage was not on her life plan at all, she’d decided at the ripe age of eleven in her pink and off-white bedroom while writing down all the big moments of her life to come.

On the other hand, it had always been an obvious yes. Having a husband,  having a family - she could imagine nothing else, growing up with all her siblings, with her parents still being obviously in love with each other after all these years, with her tias and tios and abuelas and abuelos all around her. What would life even be like without that kind of family? Without people over at her place every holiday, without someone trusted by her side tag-teaming all the tasks and duties of everyday life, without that little group of people that she knew would always be there, would always be loving and caring for her the way she loved and cared for them. It was unimaginable. She’d seen the endlessly romantic scenes in films and read about them in her books, and while she was not easily impressed or swayed even as a teenager, she was definitely... expecting some of that in her own life. She wanted the romantic moments, the flashbacks to tell her children and grandchildren about, the beautiful proposal, the perfectly-planned wedding, the photo album of years and years together, of all the milestones a couple could have. Yes, marriage was definitely on her life plan, tucked into the back of her mind and ever present.

At what point, though, had she decided that it was  Jake  of all people who would disrupt her calendar so completely, while also fulfilling the dreams she didn’t dare write down on it?

After all, if 11-year-old Amy had been asked to create a binder on her future husband - Jake would have not even been mentioned in the footnotes. If she could’ve wished for a partner back then, she definitely wouldn’t have specified that he had to be dorky and clumsy, constantly making bad jokes, living on a diet that would send any other person to the hospital for malnutrition, obsessed with action movies and cop heroics, spending his free time and money on the most useless things anyone could think of, and pranking and bothering her to his heart’s content.

Then again, that wasn’t Jake anymore - maybe it had been during their first few years as only co-workers, but he was constantly changing, growing up step by step, maybe a bit later than others, but definitely growing. He was always willing to learn, as much as he’d moan about it all. He was willing to get better, spurned on by competition, maybe, or by the desire to be the best -anything- he could be, not just best detective, but he was willing no matter the reason.

And then again, that wasn’t all that Jake had really been, ever - maybe on the outside, to the unknown onlooker, but not to those who really spent time with him. As careless as he was with his own health, he was always caring for everyone else in his own subtle and not so subtle ways. As ridiculous as his jokes and pranks were, he also knew exactly when they were not appropriate anymore, and he could lend a hand or a sympathetic shoulder just as seriously as he could stand guard for you if you needed a moment alone in the evidence lock-up. As much as he would boast about himself and throw jabs at everyone else, he would also turn into the ultimate hype-man for everyone on the squad at the mere mention of one of them failing or stumbling.

And if Amy had been given the chance to write a wishlist for the man she wanted to spend her life with at any point of her planning - that kindness, compassion and support would’ve definitely been on the top of it.

She realised she still hadn’t answered Rosa. Luckily, Diaz was exactly the kind of person who knew how to hold onto a weighted silence and give her all the time she needed without interrupting her. She simply sipped her heavy-on-the-vodka-please drink and waited.

“I don’t think I-” Amy started up again, realising that her beer bottle was now completely label-less, a small heap of paper on the bar counter next to her. “I don’t think it was one big moment, to be honest. I think it was a lot of little ones.”

“Like what, buying folders together to get his desk straightened out? The moment when he actually used a five-syllable-word right? The day he finally stopped mixing gummy bears with red vines and calling it ‘sugar bolognese’?”

“I know you’re making fun of it, but those were all milestones in their own way, okay?” Amy shot Rosa a little glare, which proved to be extremely ineffective against the other Latina’s taunting grin.

“But they weren’t the moments?” Rosa continued to poke her, turning her voice several octaves higher for the last words. “Where Jake turned into the knight in shining armour baby-Amy definitely used to draw into her diary?”

No, they weren’t. Sure, Amy was proud of Jake for all of them. But they weren’t the moments where she’d realised that this was it, that this person was  her person. That there would never be anyone who loved her the way he did, and that she could never feel for anyone else what she felt for him.

She tried to think of something romantic, something big to throw back into Rosa’s face, make her stop the jokes and understand. Make her see that it wasn’t about the grand gestures or the perfect match that made Jake her one and only, as cheesy as that sounded.

They’d had many big moments, that was for sure.

When he went in front of the whole precinct here at Shaw’s to cryptically talk about how much just six days with her meant to him. When she knocked on his door to say  screw light and breezy and his eyes lit up as if she’d just taken the weight of the world off of his shoulders. When he sat at the back of an ambulance, a bullet wound from her in his leg and the memory of Figgis’ gun still on his temple, and none of that seemed to matter because they were back in sync and he’d get to finally go back home with her. When he forfeited a bet, lost a collar and gave up his entire apartment for her happiness. When she was knee-deep in files at the precinct long after her working hours and her phone rang, an unknown number on the screen, and when she picked it up she heard his voice so far away and metallic and realised that he must’ve broken several rules and put himself into danger just to get a phone into prison to talk to her. When he spun an entire Halloween heist around today to get her to win it, all so he could give her that soft scared smile as she turned and saw him down on one knee.

Rosa knew about all of these. She’d witnessed them, or heard her drunkenly ramble about them during their weekly get-togethers. And they were all big moments, good moments, special moments she would re-tell to everyone who wanted to hear about her and Jake and their story.

But they weren’t all of it. They were the big plot points in their shared book of life, that was for sure. But they weren’t the kind of quotes she’d underline, the ones she’d write little notes into the margins for. The ones that made her love this book more than any other story she’d ever read.

Yet when she thought about those definitely underlined quotes that came up in her mind now, they all seemed so… trivial, compared to what you’d expect about romantic epiphanies.

Like the time she picked him up at the airport coming back from prison, when he leant back in his seat and took a deep, almost inappropriate sniff of her stupid little pinetree air freshener, telling her how unreal it seemed that someone could miss a smell like that, but that he’d longed for it for weeks now. That it wasn’t pinetree to him anymore, it was the comfort of Amy’s car, and their morning drive to the precinct when he was too tired to get into his Mustang, and Amy picking him up after a few hours too long working on a case, all wrapped up in one scent that he never realised he could miss. He was sniffing an air freshener, with his uneven beard scratching all over it, red eyes from an early flight and maybe a few tears they’d shed at the pick up area, and Amy was sure her heart could never ache as much for anyone else as it did for the tired man sitting in her passenger seat.

Or the time she’d come home from work on his first day off after they’d moved in together, expecting to see her prim and proper apartment turned into a slouchfest the way his old place had been. Only to realise that nothing had changed - safe for the take out containers next to the sink, which had enough left in it that they could share it for dinner. Only to realise that he had actually done all of the laundry,  and  folded all her socks and underwear exactly right,  and  even folded the fitted sheets properly,  and put it all into the closet in the system she’d developed but never actually written down, because it came to her like second nature. Only to realise that meant that he’d watched her, every time she’d done it, to learn it all perfectly so he could do it for her. And she looked at him as he jumped up from the couch to heat the take out for her as she changed out of her work clothes, and realised that she never wanted to share her home with anyone else.

Or the time he’d first been invited to the big Santiago summer get together, and she’d stressed over it just as much he did, making information binders on her family and their quirks and their habits and what he could say and what he should absolutely not say. But when the party finally came, and he’d squeezed her hand so nervously stepping into the living room, he managed to remember every single brother’s, sister-in-law’s, niece’s and nephew’s name, made extra time for her abuela Claudia’s stories and waited for her tia Maria to translate everything someone yelled in Spanish for him, sat down at exactly the place on the table that would’ve secretly been reserved for him as a test, and slipped into dinner conversations and children’s games down at the lake as if he’d always been there, always been a part of her family. She watched him running from her nephews’ water guns and secretly rolling his eyes at her while talking to her brother David and offering his arm to her abuela Sofia on a walk the way he would usually offer it to her, and she realised that it fit so well because he should have always been there, that this spot in her family had always waited for him.

Or the time she’d started her period while staying over at his place for the first time ever, waking up to stained sheets and cramps and the rushing feeling of pure embarrassment, telling him she was so, so sorry and would buy him new sheets and probably better get home so she could deal with this and not bother him for the rest of the weekend despite the plans they’d made. And he’d simply gotten out of bed, rummaged through a cabinet in his bathroom and returned with painkillers, a hot water bottle, and a box of pads and tampons he’d bought after an awkward day at the academy when Rosa had lectured him about always being prepared for anything his fellow detectives could need. And he’d parked her on the sofa after she’d changed into one of his boxers, and the washing machine was already cleaning the sheets and her underwear, and he said  be right back and returned from the bodega on the corner with ice cream and salt & vinegar chips and her favourite chocolate. And she looked at him as he sat down on the other side of the couch, remote already in hand to see what they could binge-watch this weekend, acting as if nothing was wrong and she hadn’t just completely inconvenienced him and weirded him out with her problems, and she realised that she hadn’t. That they’d been together barely a month and a half, and he was already so comfortable having her around that he was prepared for anything. That she could lay it all on him, without the fear of being embarrassed or rebuked as she had been with any other man in her life before him.

Or the time she cancelled what was meant to be their second date ever (after that awkward, chaotic, yet happy-ending first one) because she’d gotten sick. When he showed up that evening at her door, she’d been worried he hadn’t gotten her text (she was too stuffed up to speak properly on the phone, she’d realised when calling in sick to work). But he was wearing an old t-shirt and sweatpants instead of a date outfit, and carried a grocery store bag and a drug store bag, and then he made her take a bath with one of those cold-remedy bath salt sachets he’d found, and cooked her his mom’s sickly-soup (with store-bought matzoh balls, he had to admit, he never quite got those right), and let her pick any movie she wanted to watch while they ate their soup wrapped up under one blanket so she could steal all of his body heat. He’d been to her place as her boyfriend only twice before, but she realised as she snuggled into his arms under the blanket and blew her nose into one of the extra-soft tissues he’d bought that she’d felt so wrong being sick and alone at her home, that she’d subconsciously hoped he could be there to rub the vapo-rub on her back before she went to sleep that night, and that nothing felt more right than him already whistling in the kitchen when she woke up feeling slightly better the next morning.

They were all these little moments, these facets of life that barely even mattered to outsiders, that happened and re-happened several times a year. But they did matter, and they came into her mind every time her mom warned her on the phone not to be ‘too hasty’, every time her non-work friends asked her if she was really sure she was talking about ‘Peralta, the guy you used to moan about so much’, every time someone made a joke to Jake and her about her being ‘above his pay-grade’ or them being ‘an odd couple if they ever saw one’. It was these little moments that mattered so much more to her than any grand romantic gesture could, and that manifested in her mind that Jake was it, and always had been.

The bottle of beer in her hand was still label-less, but she noticed that it was also empty. She didn’t know when she’d transitioned into Spacey Amy, but looking up at Rosa’s face, seeing Gina next to her who’d apparently walked up at some point, she realised that she’d been talking, not thinking all of this.

“Daaaamn, girl.” Gina replied, but her voice was quiet, not even close to the usual mocking tone she’d take on for Amy. Rosa next to her was silent, blinking hard, and if she didn’t know her any better Amy would’ve almost believed she was fighting back a few tears. Which was ridiculous, because this was Rosa, and she’d only had six drinks, which brought her barely close to the emotional level she needed to even think about crying. Rosa’s drunk-scale started a lot later than Amy’s did.

Amy swept away a little tear from her own cheek while grinning awkwardly down at her bottle.

“Good thing that was one drink Spacey Amy and not two drink Loud Amy, huh?” She tried to joke, but Rosa only shook her head.

“Santiago, shit like that, you should shout from the fucking rooftops. Or at least into your fiancé’s stupid grinning face. Damn, I’m genuinely so happy for you two dorks, you’re so perfect. Don’t ever quote me on that, though.” Rosa had at least reached the swearing stage of drunkenness, the one where she’d wrap genuine emotion in as many rude words as possible to make it seem like she still didn’t care as much as she did.

Amy looked over at Jake and caught him looking away just as quickly. He’d been watching her again. He often did when he thought she wouldn’t notice, she’d realised that early on in their relationship. They’d be watching a movie, or hunched over case files, or simply hanging out at her kitchen counter nibbling on take away leftovers and discussing their day, and she’d look up and notice him almost flinching away. On the rare occasions that she woke up after him - once in a blue moon, when the night had been far longer than she’d planned, like tomorrow, probably - she would roll to the side and meet with his eyes, half-closed and shining and definitely, completely focussed on nothing but her.

It was almost unsettling to be the centre of someone’s attention like that, but in a good way. In a way that made her heart skip a beat, because she’d never expected to be anyone’s point of focus like this, ever.

Maybe, besides all the little moments and epiphanies, that had actually been the point of no return for her, love-wise - when she realised just what she was to Jake. Everything, he’d told her not just once during his more romantic moments, whispering in her ear and pressing a kiss to her temple.  You’re everything to me, Ames, and sometimes I think you’re even a bit more than that.  

“Hey.” She heard his voice next to her as he walked up from the long-forgotten dart board, where Gina was quick to jump in and challenge Terry to another round to see him flex his shoulders.

“Hey yourself.” She grinned back, one drink Amy still on the clock.

“Thought I should come over here to tell you something really important.”

“Oh, sure.” The serious tone in his voice made her steel herself almost as a reflex. “What is it?”

“I realised I’m absolutely, crazy in love with you. Is that okay?”

And there was this grin, this stupid wide grin she knew so well, that always looked a bit different when it was directed towards her than anyone else. Amy couldn’t help but laugh as she softly punched his arm.

“Yeah, you know.” She looked at the ring on her finger as she stroked over the space she’d only just hit. “I think that’s pretty okay.”

He leant down for a kiss, and they could both hear a gagging sound from the side.

“Knock it off, Diaz.” Jake shot Rosa a fake-angry look. “You’re not allowed to make fun of us today.”

“Alright, alright. I don’t need to watch it, though.” Rosa stood up from her bar stool, only to punch Jake into the other arm, definitely stronger than Amy just had. He grinned at her nonetheless, knowing full well that was as close and emotional as a tight hug would be from his old friend.

“Better take your fiancée home before she turns into two drink Amy, though. Think you’ve got some stuff to say that shouldn’t be heard from the whole bar.” She grinned again before walking off to beat both Gina and Terry at darts.

Jake followed her with his eyes before smiling back at Amy.

“My fiancée.” He repeated, and she could see how strange the word still felt in his mouth, strange and new and absolutely joyful.

“Your future wife.” She smiled back, and it didn’t sound strange at all. It sounded perfectly right. Because it had always, always been.

[tmntgirlie]

Saviors in a Half Shell 5

“Let me get this straight. You guys were the ones who really saved the city? Twice?”

The commotion had made national news headlines for weeks years ago. The most recent occurrence was five years ago, way before Y/N had made her way to the city.

It was the sort of thing that led to many online conspiracy theories, but none of them had any solid evidence. The media led people to believe it was a man named Vernon Fenwick, who had subsequently called himself ‘the Falcon’.

How obnoxious.

“We knew we wouldn’t be accepted by the general public, and he just so happened to be working with us- it made sense,” Leonardo shrugged.

“People are so gullible,” she snorted. She shook her head. “Even I had a feeling he couldn’t have taken that thing down without help. I mean, one man? Unless it was dumb luck. I’m still trying to understand why someone wants to take over a city. A single city. What, turn it into his kingdom? He knows there are bigger and better cities out there, right?”

“Bigger and better? Oh, man! We have been so busy saving this city, we haven’t been able to finish our hip-hop Christmas album!” Mikey couldn’t have sounded more pitiful.

Y/N laughed. “I’d love to hear you guys try to rap Silent Night. Ninjas and all.”

Right as Michelangelo opened his mouth to give her a proper demonstration, he was pushed over by his red-banded brother.

“Someone’s a party pooper.”

“I just spared your eardrums,” Raph said, looking quite pleased with himself.

“What a sweetheart,” Y/N said through a snort. These guys were definitely brothers, the way they treated each other.

“Speaking of sweethearts,” Mikey grinned. “What are you going to do now? Now that you know us and all. You gonna stay here for good?”

“Mikey-” Raph growled.

Y/N just shook her head. “I have an apartment in Brooklyn I should probably get back to at some point. And a job.”

“Do you think you’re ready to get back to all that?” Leonardo asked her quietly. He still wasn’t sure what pushed you so far towards the edge- depression, that was pretty clear. Was there a more specific reason?

She shrugged again. “Have to sooner or later. It comes and goes. Good days, bad days, you know?” She looked around the room with a small smile. “Plus, if I go back to… All that, and I feel like it’s all going down the drain again- well, you guys make a mean cup of tea.”

The brothers looked between each other. It was obvious they all felt some type of way to hear that she was leaving. They had known this woman for less than twenty-four hours, and yet the thought of her leaving them left them feeling empty. She was one more human that accepted them for who they were. She didn’t run, she didn’t scream, she just accepted it.

“I took the liberty of adding our numbers to your phone,” Donatello said finally. “In case you ever need us for any reason.”

“Need a cup of tea, an escape, a friend-”

“-Boyfriend-” Mikey cut in.

Raph wasted no time knocking him over completely this time.

“I don’t think I could handle you, Michelangelo,” Y/N gave him a small smile. “You remind me of me when I was younger.”

Mikey got to his feet, dusting off his thighs. “How old are you again?”

She grinned. “Twenty-one, legal drinking age.”

He shook his head in confusion. “We’re older than you.”

“I really can’t thank you guys enough for this,” Y/N said, ignoring Mikey’s statement. “Especially you two.” She looked between Raphael and Leonardo. “Especially you two. And the Thai food of course.”

~

It felt like it had been an eternity since she left. It was almost dusk, it had really only been hours. Donatello gave her an extremely detailed map of the sewers, including the streets they followed, in case she wanted to come down by herself. They all figured she’d just ask for an escort, but in case she didn’t feel like it.

“And as soon as she comes into our lives, she leaves,” Michelangelo said through a dramatic sigh. “Do you think she’ll be okay?”

“She’ll be alright,” Donatello said. “I added multiple suicide hotlines and therapists to her phone when I added us.”

“She can’t just stay here forever,” Raphael grunted. “She lives up top, she belongs up there. April and Casey don’t live their lives down here with us, do they? No, they live up top with the other humans.”

Leonardo stayed quiet. They were right- she belonged up there with the other humans. She had a job, an apartment, a life- they were just four turtles that lived in the shadows. They saved her from a mistake she couldn’t go back from. What she did now was up to her.

“Maybe we should check on her tonight!” Mikey said, disrupting Leonardo from his thoughts. “Don, you got her address, right?”

“You think I’d let her leave without knowing where to find her? Do you even know me?” Donatello let out a ‘pfft’. “I have her address, her workplace, her social media profiles.”

“Isn’t that going a little too far?” Leonardo said.

“It’s all for her safety!” Mikey argued, even though the question obviously wasn’t pointed towards him.

Leonardo sighed. “Fine. We can check on her tonight.”

He tried to convince himself it was for his brothers’ sake.

“Since you did all that research on her, might as well not put it to waste. Whadoya got, Donnie?” Raph asked as he plopped back down on the couch.

Donnie pushed up his goggles, more for effect than anything. They were quite literally strapped to his head. “According to all of her profiles, she was born in Iowa and moved here a year and a half ago. No listed family members. Says here that she works for herself, doesn’t say what, but I’m seeing a portfolio right here with a bunch of different headshots.”

Mikey made his way over to Donnie’s corner, squinting at the screens. “Maybe she’s a professional photographer. Do you think she could shoot the music video for our Christmas album?”

“I have a feeling it’s more of what’s in the picture that is her job,” Donnie said slowly. “My money’s on makeup or hair.”

“What do you know about that stuff?” Raph questioned.

“Hey, if it was a photography portfolio, you’d definitely see more variety than just heads,” Donnie replied, rolling his eyes.

“Too bad we don’t need a new hairdresser,” Raph snorted, running his hand over his bald head. “Alopecia right here.”

“We’re turtles, we don’t grow hair in the first place.”

“It was a joke, Don.”

“It wasn’t a very thought out joke.”

By that point, Leonardo was no longer paying attention to his brothers. He was no judge of skills with hair, but these pictures didn’t look half bad. Maybe he needed to pay attention to pop culture a bit more to understand. Was she dissatisfied with her work?

She hadn’t mentioned a roommate. He figured she lived alone. Leo recalled April saying how expensive it was to have your own apartment in any part of New York. She couldn’t have been that bad at her job to be able to live on her own.

His thoughts were disrupted when he felt his phone buzz.

Miss me yet? - Y/N

He frowned, looking down at the screen. It had only been hours.

You guys seriously messed up my sleep schedule, I’m wide awake and it’s almost nine at night. - Y/N

Oh yeah? Almost time for us to get to work - Leonardo

Ah, the night shift. Latest I’ve worked was probably until two. I didn’t want to even think about waking up the next morning. - Y/N

You work that late? - Leonardo

I had no idea this client was going to take me eight hours. We were almost sick of each other by the end of it. - Y/N

Maybe Donnie was right. He had no frame of reference for photography, but that seemed late. Did hair related things take that long?

I’ll let you get back to work. Maybe you’ll even save another damsel tonight. - Y/N

Let’s hope I don’t have to - Leonardo

He wasn’t sure his brothers could handle two humans in twenty-four hours. Mikey would go crazy.

“Leonardo? Earth to Leonardo?”

He bounced back into reality. “What did I miss?”

“Um, our entire conversation?” Mikey said, poking him on the shoulder. “It’s your head that’s in the clouds today.”

He sighed. “What, then?”

“April says she has a lead on the Purple Dragons,” Donnie said, turning towards them. “They’re hitting several spots tonight. We need to get going.”

“Alright, you know the drill,” Leonardo said loudly. “What are we waiting for?”

He didn’t have to ask twice.

~

Meanwhile, Y/N was settling back into her apartment. She regretted leaving it in such a mess the night before. It had taken her until now to finally get it straightened up enough to have company.

Not that she was expecting company.

She let out a small sigh as she placed a mug of tepid water in the microwave. She briefly recalled the events that ensued in the past twenty-four hours.

She did not wake up yesterday thinking she was going to get that close. It had taken all of her courage to even stand on that ledge. Heights were not her friend, ever since she was a child. Maybe it wasn’t the fear of heights so much as it was the fear of falling.

It didn’t make sense that it was her chosen method.

She shook her head quickly. No, those were not the kind of thoughts she needed. Not this soon.

Truth be told, it was hard to live in a city such as New York. It was so easy to get carried away with the hustle and bustle the city was known for. Even on her daily walk to the shop, she felt like a tiny speck in the big picture. Nobody gave her a smile, nobody even looked at her. It wasn’t what she was used to.

Hell, back in the Midwest, people smiled at strangers as they passed them on the road. They waved to people driving tractors, and were even pleasant if one was going ten miles per hour. But here?

If you so much as stopped on the sidewalk, you were given death glares and knew people wished you didn’t exist in that moment.

Maybe she wasn’t meant to stay here.

It was almost every hairstylist’s dream. If you could make it in New York, you really made it. It was a cherry on top if you ended up catering to hair shows, took on a sponsorship for various brands. If you made it in New York, you could even create your own line of color and hair products.

Two and a half years after gaining her license in hairdressing, it just wasn’t what she expected. The hair was great, that wasn’t the problem. The environment drained her. She wasn’t sure if it was worth the heartache.

But those four brothers…

“Maybe I should check in on them,” she told herself.

The microwave began to beep. She reached in to pull the hopefully hot water-filled mug and gasped when the ceramic burnt at her skin. No, she’d give that a minute to cool off, actually.

She glanced over at her phone, it was dangerously close to falling off the edge of the couch. Y/N made her way over and unlocked it with her fingerprint. As she did so, she quietly wondered how Donatello managed to get into it in the first place.

In fact, their four names were now listed as her emergency contact numbers. They were even color coded, not that she needed a reminder on who was who. She decided to text Leo.

Miss me yet? - Y/N

After thinking for another second, she sent another text. Hopefully they weren’t weird about double-texting.

You guys seriously messed up my sleep schedule, I’m wide awake and it’s almost nine at night. - Y/N

It wasn’t completely true, she didn’t typically go to bed until midnight or so. There was no harm in friendly banter, right?

She set her phone back down, on the counter this time, and went to check on her mug of hopefully no longer boiling hot water. Before her fingers even touched it, it dinged.

Oh yeah? Almost time for us to get to work - Leonardo

She looked at the message for a while, her mug of tea leaf-less water all but forgotten.

Ah, the night shift. Latest I’ve worked was probably until two. I didn’t want to even think about waking up the next morning. - Y/N

You work that late? - Leonardo

Did I ever tell them what I did for a living?

Not that it would really matter to them. They obviously didn’t need a beautician.

The hair thing, she was definitely referring to the hair thing. Turtles didn’t have hair. Not that she saw, anyway-

Y/N, I swear, they’re fuckin’ turtles. Of course they don’t have hair anywhere.

I had no idea this client was going to take me eight hours. We were almost sick of each other by the end of it. - Y/N

She remembered that night well. It was actually one of her first clients that she ever got since moving to the Big Apple. And boy, was this girl loyal. She bought product every time, tipped well, even consulted for possible wigs. Y/N wasn’t sure why she would want wigs, she had beautiful hair, but she wasn’t about to judge. That was money.

Plus, she worked for some TV station local to New York. This client was a dream client.

As soon as she sent the message, she groaned. He probably didn’t even care to hear about that kind of stuff. He was probably busy anyway. You know, saving the city.

I’ll let you get back to work. Maybe you’ll even save another damsel tonight. - Y/N

She had to admit, knowing she was the first person they’d saved in such a way made her feel special. Sure, it was the worst possible circumstance, but… In her mind, it was almost like fate. They were different, but they accepted her into their home so easily. They knew she needed help and didn’t hesitate to try their best. They gave her a safe space to sleep, away from her own world. It gave her time to clear her head. Maybe the meditating had something to do with it.

Let’s hope I don’t have to - Leonardo

For some reason, the last message didn’t hit quite right with her. It suddenly drew her back.

Just make some tea, Y/N. Light some candles. Deep breaths.

The last thing she wanted was to be a burden to these four new beings in her life she’d love to consider her first real friends in the city. She crossed her fingers that he didn’t mean his words the way she took them.

Candles lit, tea freshly brewed (and with a chunk of ice for good measure), Y/N settled down on the couch with an oversized blanket and decided to watch something on TV. That’d clear her mind.

“April’s hair does look so good,” she mumbled to herself with a smile, the first thing on TV was the nightly news. “Good job, me.”

[popculturebuffet]

Top 10 Regular Show Episodes

Close Enough is Close! 2 more days and a show i’ve waited without hyperbole years for will finally land offically. While i’ve seen three episodes preelease, one because of a french film festival the other two because HBO made an oopsie, and it’s more than likely i’ll be seeing those episodes again thursday, it dosen’t make it any less special, as with an offical release comes the fandom finally becoming a thing and the ablility to watch the episodes over and over again.. on computer till HBO gets it’s shit together but still. IT’s a great time.  And my hype for the show made me revisit it’s big brother: Regular Show. Created by what would happen if you condesned california into a person, JG Quintel, Regular Show, as you all damn well know but I like doing anyway so as rigby would say, STOP TALKING, was about two slackers and best bros: Laidback hipster and hurricane when it came to talking to women, Mordecai and Rigby a high strung, idiotic, impulsive, and frequently angry racoon who worked, when they absolutley had to, at a park. Joining them at the park were their coworkers and later closest friends: Benson, their constnatly angry boss who constnatly belts out empty threats to fire them and has a rather sad personal life, Skips, a centuries old yeti whose literally seen it all and despenses advice for the duo and is voiced by everyone’s faviorite grandpa/jedi/murder clown Mark Hamill, Muscle Man, a grotesque blob of a man who likes  “My mom” jokes and breaking things, Hi Five Ghost, Muscle Man’s sidekick who got like.. one episode focusing on him alone over 8 seasons moving on, and Pops, an odd but unfailingly sweet and kind vicotrian era gentleman whose also basically immortal and is Bensons’ boss in name only.  The Park Crew spend their days working, or in our main duo’s case trying to get out of work to do anything else,  while dealing with every day issues that would quickly ballon into insanity. Getting pops a birthday present of Fuzzy Dice from a local pizza place ended up with the crew having to fight a bunch of anamatonic animals that were stashing diamonds in there. Trying to get concert tickets involved getting caffine from the nipples of a giant sentient coffee bean in order to stay awake long enough to do the extra work. And Mordecai trying to delete an embrarassing message off his crush Margret’s voice mail lead to him and rigby getting hauled in front of a bunch of a message guardians, one of which is a sentient smoke signal that wanted to burn them while the other replied with “we’ree not going to burn them when have we ever burned anybody”... I love and miss those guys. Oh and it’s resolved by having to playt he embarassing song he sang while said message beings groove to it then ask him to colaberate with them on their album. THis show was on all the drugs and I am all the hear for it. I could go all day obviously but this section is long enough as is, let’s move on. 

Regular Show came at JUST the right time for Cartoon Netowork: Similar to how the 80s doom patrol comic started off really bland and cookie cutter and not at all doom patrol and then grant morrison came in, had hte previous writer kill almost everything, then rebuilt it from scratch with crazy, CN had few shows left and was coming off a really terrible attempt at competeing with NIck and Disney Channel’s live action dommance with a bunch of dude broy reality shows and other ill conceved ideas. The network had a few shows, Total Drama, The Clone Wars which got better and I need to watch those better seasons at some point, but they weren’t enough to make the network thrive again.  SO enter adventure time and regular show: BOth were creative, funny , a bit rough around the ages, and kind of nuts, but both were massive hits: The shows hit almost every demographics sweet spots: Kids like the bright colors, fun designs, and insanity, teens loved the edgy bits of the humor and also the insanity and 20 somethings and older both found refrences they got and loved, and well.. insanity. I mean being fucking nuts but also wonderful is kind of the watchword for most animation nowadays. While in the past in my own head i’ve played down Regular Show’s part in things, after all it came second and had a rough patch I told myself.. but I was wrong. Both shows had a lot of the same elements; insane stuff, great voice acting and good humor especially as they evolved.. but both also evolved in largely the same way and that way helped change animation for the next decade: Both, despite being comeidies, regular show keeping to it a bit more than adventure time did as they evolved, had the characters grow, something a lot of animated comedies didn’t do as much ast the time, even the good ones. THey had season long arcs, things that are now standard features in most cartoons for good reason were MADE standard by these shows. It’s just regular show’s legacy got diluted by shows that TRIED to copy it but both failed to see that it grew past season one or that it’s being okay for kids but really based in adult life and problems meant copycats like fanboy and chum chum, sanjay and craig and breadwinners, all thankfully long dead, eventually sputtered out and died. That and Nick is REALLY shitty at maintaing shows or treating creators with anything resembling respect. Somehow Teen Titans Go is still alive despite having similar failings but you can’t win everything. It didn’t help gravity falls came along right after and proceded to be even more influentail than both of these shows. Hmmm I just realized I haven’t done any gravity falls reviews here.. I gotta get on that. But while the show got eclipsed in quality and popularity I do still think it holds up for the most part as funny, charming and with , for the most part, good character arcs, it’s just that a bit of incosntientcy, some abrubtly done actions and a REALLY fucking terrible arc in season 6 dull the show a bit in comparison to what came after, but I do realize now it’s still worht watching, remembering and laughing at. It may of not been the greatest, but damn it was good.  So with my nostaliga for the show popping up, my faith in it restored, and it’s sucessor showing up in a few days, I decided to do a little something for the ocassion. I WAS going to do a full on review, but had troulbe finding an episode as some of my faviorites are part of a larger arc that was hurt by a later arc, and the show ping ponged between slice of life and utter insanity enought hat it was hard to peg down to jus tone or two episodes. So while I WILL review the show eventually, it has both good and bad episodes needing it, I decided instead to dig out something I hadn’t done in far too long: a top whatver lists! Now while I do get these things are clickbaity, because they are, I.. honestly just love making them. Even if i’ts not for any specific purpose I just love ranking, the stress, even if I normally hate stress given my anxiety, of trying to narrow them down, and the satisfaction of taking a ton of episodes and melting htem down into the best of them. And with a show as long and varied as regular show, If igured this was the best way to show it off before I dived into it eventually. I’ll obviously be doing more top, and bottom lists in the future, but for now this seemd like a godo place to get back to it. As  Now a few more things before we finally get started. Yes I know i’ve gone on for a few years now but i’m almost done. This list is obviously, my opinon. If you disagree fine, and feel free to comment or shoot me an ask about it but I stand by my list and what I choose. I had to boil down over 60 episodes I picked to possibly  be on the list and even after it was down to 40 cuts were really difficult, .. Also just as a quick note there are no episodes from seasons 1, 6, 7 and 8, and that’s not on purpose, as the last two seasons are really good, it just fell out that way and i’m sorry about it. So with that out of the way grabs some sodas and wings, get out your maxi gloves, and bring out your best sentient earworms wearing sunglassses, after the cut I count down the top 10 Regular Show episodes. OOOOOOOOO!

10. I Like You, Hi (Season 5, Episode 26) As you’ll be able to tell by the rest of this list Season 5 is my faviorite, and it’s where I feel the series hit it’s peak before next season lead to it’s valley. It’s got a ton of great episodes, as this list will attest, some great character development, and was still really damn funny.  But what put it over the top for me was the Mordecai and CJ arc. At the end of the last season as you probably know the show wrote out Margret, having her finally get into college like she’d wanted since she got an actual character back in “Camping Be Cool” instead of just being “that hot girl mordecai really likes but is too scared to persue”, and another fantastic episode we’ll be getting to, Mordecai was in position to move on.  Re-Enter CJ. CJ was introduced earlier in the season 3 ep “Yes Dude Yes” which itself is really good, where Mordecai thought margret was engaged and with Rigby’s encouragment, ended up meeting CJ, stands for Cloudy Jay if your curious, a sentient cloud voiced by the wonderful LInda Cardenelli, aka wendy from gravity falls and currently co star of the equally wonderful show Dead to Me. Seriously go check it out on netflix, it’s really good. It naturally went pearshaped since Margret wasn’t engaged, he tried going out with both, she turned into a thunderstorm out of rage... as you do.. it’s like the season 6 plot but less infurating and more understandable.  But the two remeet, and had a kiss on new years while not knowing it’s the other person under am ask.. and then CJ ran and both thought the other was upset: MOrdecai for him being MOrdecai, and CJ for running out on him and agreed to be friends. That didn’t last, though it did give us another classic on this list, as while exes can be friends and all, the two still had something between them. Thus came this one. And it was a hard one as it barely inched out the finale of their relationship arc, Real Date, which had the ceo of a dating company try to break them up and be really damny funny but it’s ulitmatley this one being just as hilarious while being a great character piece that gets it the rub.  As the episode opens Mordecai and CJ have been spending a LOT of time together and i’ts clear there’s a spark there.. but Mordecai insists it’s platonic. And yes there is a bad habit of animation being unable to accept females and males who are into the oppistie sex can’t be friends without being attracted to each other. It’s being cleared up more lately, but as Star Vs showed it still happens sometimes. But it works here: The two STARTED with dating, made out on new years, and are attracted to each other it’s just clear both were in denial about it. It’s not saying “well they have chemstiry so fuck their partners’ like star vs or “if you loved someone once those feelings will return and destroy yoru current relationship” like next season.... season 6′s arc is a tirefire burn it.  But the issue is forced when, while texting about an extreme baking show together while CJ’s at her job at a sports bar, it autocrrects from Yuji, the show’s host, to you hi, sending the title message “I like you, hi”. Mordecai, being even less adept with his feelings and anxiety towards women than me and trust me that’s saying something, spirals and we do get the episodes best scene, narrowly beating out it’s climax, where Mordecai summons a war council.. aka the rest of the main cast minus benson but plus Thomas, the intern who I wish stuck around longer even after he turned out to be a russian spy because they ran out of ideas for him, voiced by Roger Craig Smith and distractingly using his future sonic voice. 

I just.. love everything about the scnee. From the term pulling a mordecai, to Rigby joining in, deservedly as he’s had front row seats for a lot of this bollocks, to everyone’s suggestions especially Muscle Man’s half assed one that somehow, but unsuprisngly, works for him and Starla.  Naturally Mordecai comes up with what Rigby HIMSELF admits is a Rigby level half assed scheme to get an actual photo with Yuji rather than just admit the truth. Yuji himself is an utter delight, having had his star not rise as fast as he’d like thanks to autocorrect and being entirely on board, and when it backfires as MOrdecai ends up autocorrected and sends the message thrice and gets sucked into the phone again, admits i’ts “pretty extreme’. I love the guy and i’m prety sure he showed up again, to my delight. 

In the phone Mordecai meets some old friends, the message guardians who I mentioned in the “insane shit this show has done” bit earlier: old forms of messaging who police texting, all voiced by Rich Fulcher of the Mighty Boosh and Snuffbox Fame. 

I love Rich and wish these guys could show up in close enough. Maybe they can, I don’t know how rights issues with turner properties work when it comes to two diffrent audiences entirely. Anyways what really makes the episode, besides the great callbacks in this scene, is when confronted with everything going on, Mordecai.. tries to run into the void, with Rigby, The Message Recorder and the Smoke Signal all encouraging him to come back. “There’s nothing out there for you, literally it’s just a blank void”. With the leading tape recorder pointing out from their text history not only how great CJ is but how much he seems to like her with Mordecai finally coming back and admitting the obvious: He does like her.. he’s just scared of beefing it again. Which he does but that’s not the point. Rigby, who as part of his character development helps Mordecai quite a bit with this stuff by being a neutral party, though he also likes CJ better than Margret which is a mood even though I don’t care which one you ship mordecai with frankly, you do you, I have my prefrences. And with that Mordecai finally texts her and asks her out, with her accepting via winky face.. with an added text to clarify it for his neuotic ass.. which is also a mood as my neuortic ass could use that a lot. Overall just a wonderful , hilarious and good bit of character growth.. that season 6 throws in the oven, but that’s a long rant for another day. On it’s own, “I LIke you, hi” is a good character piece for mordecai whlie still being really damn funny. 

9. Thanksgiving Special (Season 5, Episode 15)

Regular Show was really damn great at holliday specials. Their terror tales from the park every halloween were always a nice treat and a good replacement for Simpsons “Treehouse of Horror” which still exists, it’s just no one cares at this point, and their christmas and new years episodes are both really damn good, the first Christmas Episode being in contention for this list even. But to me the best of the best was easily Season 5′s  thanksgiving episode. 

The premise is simple: Mordecai and Rigby accidnetly destroy thanksgiving dinner, which the park crew is having for everyone and their famllies and, refusing to take Benson trying to dismiss their attempts to help fix their mistake, end up joining a songwriting contest to try and win a Turducken.. a natural one that’s born every 1000 Years because this is regular show. To do this they have to beat a parody of everyone’s least faviorite president Donald Trump, Rich Buckner.  The fact that trump was basically the main villian of a holliday special a year before he became president is not lost on me and  is one of the most accurate depections of the man i’ve ever seen. The fact Rich steals the prize despite our boys winning from his blimp with a grappling hook is peak trump. The fact Trump has’nt stolen more things with a grappling hook in real life is only because his hands are too small to use one. 

Getting past our president for my own sanity, the episode also has really great subplots: Muscle Man and Fives go to  a sports bar to get sides and end up pissing off a former football player and getting into a touchdown dance comppetition, sadly not set to the super bowl shuffle, while Benson, Pops and Skips go to get a turkey and end up fighting over it with men dressed up like a piligrim, a first thanksgiving era native american and a turkey, to which they don’t even really give an explination for.. granted most explinatoins on this show are insane but even by regular show standards, this gets none. And I love it for it.  While as you can tell the episode is really damn funny, what really sells it is the emotional core: For once while they do fear for their jobs a bit Mordecai and Rigby’s main motivation in this messup is genuine guilt and wanting to fix their mistake, and they work hard at it, even giving a genuine and awesome heartfelt song that notches itself up with other thanksgiving classics “That thankstiginv themed soul sketch on snl” and adam sandler’s turkey song also from snl. Not a high bar but it’s really good regardless

The episodes’ real strength though is it’s emotional core: For once instead of saving their own asses or understadnably wanting to get one over on the cranky and in the worse written episodes obnoxiously overbearing benson, they simply feel terrible about possibly runing the meal for their arriving parents and everyone elses parents and families and their friends and work to right the wrong. It’s not the first time they worked to do something genuinely good with no benefit to themselves, but it’s probably the best and Benson’s I forgive you, while hilarious is also really sweet. And speaking of sweet

It ends on a really sweet and touching note, as Mordecai and Rigby, after escaping a blimp via a wish on a golden wishbone because of course, make it home to find the various weirdos the park crew met have brought them thanksgiving, and their parents will be there and we get a nice touching ending as the main duo get a well earned toast from Benson. Just an out and out amazing thanksgiving special and a good reminder of what the holiday means.

8. Trucker Hall of Fame (Season 3, Episode 37)

Moving on from Season 5 for a second, Season 3 was where the show really started to hit it’s stride to me. While Season 2 was a nice increase in quality from the sometimes choppy and heavy on “everyone is an asshole” comedy season 1, Season 3 was where the increased focus on the rest of the cast outside of our main duo balloned and what seeds of character were planted in season 2 beautifully bloomed. And this episode is one of the best examples of that.  This one focuses on Muscle Man, who earlier on was basically the main duo’s rival alongside his buddy high five ghost, and kind of a dick. While “Kind of a dick” never left any discription of Mitch Sorenstein, this and previous episode muscle woman showed there was more to the goblin man than we thought. It’s also one of regular show’s few early mostly serious episodes and unlike the benson ones, again this list was tough don’t come at me with a machete, and realy showed why muscle man is the human tire fire he is. The episode introduces, and quickly kills off, muscle dad, mitch’s dad who gave him a love of pranks and was a truck driver who died as he live: mistaking a fake bear for a real one during a prank. Muscle Man being not the most stable person on a GOOD day, spirals, as seen above, and Benson tasks mordecai and rigby, since Fives isn’t good with death ironically and isn’t holding up much better, and as a much later episode shows the two became besties in high school so he probably knew muscle dad for a good ten years so he’s probably not in a great place either, nice stuff, to go with him to put his dad’s ashes in the trucker hall of fame.  What follows is a sweet and damn sad episode. While Mitch’s frequent breakkdowns can be hilarous their also really sad and having lost my grandpa since this episode aired, I can relate to being fine one minute and a total shrieking wreck the next over the smallest thing. But it also shows that Mitch genuinely thinks of our main duo as his friends, and that beneath his testorrone positned exterior he’s a decent guy, being genuinely greatful. Of course being regular show the 3 end up squaring off with some truckers, while Mitch also grappels with the revelation his dad wasn’t one but a forklift opperator who faked being a trucker for his son’s benifit and dleft a tender note in his picture, figuring correctly his son would break it open when he found out... oh and because this show is still nuts his ghost ends up saving them at the end which is really sweet , as mitch decides trucker or no his ashes deserve to be there. Also his ghost shows up again at thanksgiving so apparently he can just come back once in a while, which is nice but dosen’t demnish the bittersweet feeling of this ep. And as I said the show has a good grasp on continuity as this ep marked a turning point for our main duo and muscle man: while the’yve bonded before after this, aside from mitch’s habit of christmas pranks and his faking his death, they really don’t nearly get as annoyed by him ever again. i’ts a sweet touching ride tha’ts uncharacristic of the show’s usual chaos but really works. 

7. A Bunch of Full Grown Geese (Season 4, Episode 19) After a few episodes that were more sentimental on this list, it’s good to get back to some good old regular show madness for this one, which was also the series 100th in production order and is a worthy milestone episode. Season 4 was really good building on the good will from Season 3 and FINALLY having payoff to the margret and mordecai thing, more on that in a bit. Not as much to say as seasons 3 or 5, but it was still spectacular.  The sequel to another ep, fittingly given it’s #100, full grown geese has our duo tasked with removing a bunch of obnoxious geese, with Benson in dick mode refusing to give the two more help, though it does lead to one of the show’s best scenes when he gives his usual your fried threat.. and fitting a milestone episode, Rigby calls him on never going through with it and the threat being as empty as my dreams. Benson responds by going nuts and angrishing them out of his office.. really funny. But yeah with the geese attacking them and , in their first attacking, poor pops, and no way to combat them, the two turn to the baby ducks, a bunch of baby ducks from the episode titled that who show up to help.. and this being the 100th episode of an already grant morrison level nuts show, it turns out the geese seek to conquer earth, voiced by david warner of course and have laser eyes.. and can combine. And the ducks do so again, mecha style, and add in our heroes and a bunch of call backs in one of the series best and most batshit sequences> The ending is also throughly satisfying as while our heroes win, Benson chews them out for tearing up the park in the process.. only for the ducks mom to call him out for not only yelling at the ducks, who are just kids, but at mordecai and rigby after they just saved the park from being a smoldering crater and not just trashed and he backs off. Just a fun episode where the crew just went nuts and the results speak for themselves. 

6. This is My Jam (Season 2, Episode 13)

Now this one I couldn’t NOT include. This is one of the series best even after it’s immense growth, and a beloved classic for a reason. And like the above it’s a good classic case of regular show hyjinks while also being relatable this time: Rigby gets a brainless but catchy pop song from the 90′s stuck in his head and despite growing to hate it, and Mordecai hating it because this episode establishes him as a hipster, and seemingly exercises it.. only for it to manifest as a GIANT CASETTE WEARING SUNGLASSES THAT PLAYS THE SONG JUST BY EXISTING AND DANCES CONSTANTLY. it’s utterly glorious and used to great effect, also annoying benson because he’s constnatly annoyed. To beat it the main duo get the rest of the park’s help at Skips suggestion to form a band and craft an even BIGGER earworm to cast it out. Oh and there’s a great scene where Pops is forced to awkwardly dance with the incarnation of the 90′s “But I won’t use my best moves”.  The climax also has one of Benson’s best moments as, after he’s irritated all episode, he comes in hot, with both the cast and audience expecting him to chew out mordecai and rigby.. only he’s mad because they forgot drums are key to an earworm and saves the day with his drumwork. It’s a great subversion and one of the first times Benson was more than just the angry but understandable, at times, dickhead boss. Just an utter standout and one of the show’s most memorable episodes for a reason. Also the line “you can’t touch music but music can touch you’ is great. 

5. Meteor Moves ( Season 4, Episode 28)

This one was a long time coming and to me is a great example of writers taking their own shortcomings and making something awesome out of them. I prefer that: instead of just retconning away bad writing use it as a tool.. I try to do that myself when possible. See early in the show as you all probably know, Mordecai’s crush on Margret was just a plot device: he had a crush on the cute waitress at the coffee shop so they used it to get him to do things. A gratioutis shot of her in bike shorts got him to bet all computer rights for life that sort of thing. The show.. wasn’t great with female characters till season 3 and even as it grew, as season 6 and just.. forgetting to give CJ a proper ending as a character shows, still grappled with it. It took writer Kat Morris saying “no no stop go to jail” to them wanting ot make CJ a difficult woman type, whatever horrifying thing that is. I don’t want to know, let’s move on. The point is it wasn’t till season 3 that Margret and her best friends, and Rigby’s future wife, Eileen got fleshed out a bit: Eileen got smarter and turned out to be good at wilderness stuff while Margret was chill, nice, if annoyed by the chaos around mordecai, and funloving, while also having a clear goal in stark contrast to her future boyfriend: going to college. Even after coming back it was botha fter finsihing college and to start a career. It wasn’t incredibly deep, but it made me not be ehhh to her mere existance like before. The show also started developing her and Mordecai’s relationship seriously with the two bonding and the previously shown Butt Dial showing for the first time, after previously having a terrible taste in men and then just not noticing his crush, that she was receptive to how mordecai felt. And the two had several moments and two dates even, it just.. never went anywhere for some reason.

And this was INFURATING to me: See back then shows had a tendency to just pop in love intrests SOLEY for plot fuel like margret with no intention of following through with things either through rejection or a relationsihp upgrade and by then I was sick of it. The whole spike and rarity thing in MLP (which to be clear I wanted her to just reject him but nope, even after I stopped watching she never did. ), Isabella and Phineas. I was fed up so I went from being “eh” about it to annoyed supremely.. but the thing is the writers realized this.. and course corrected. The first step was picking up Margret, where Mordecai agrees to pick her up to get her to the airport for a college interview and we get a nice deconstruction of things as Margret is anticpatiing things going wrong, and wrongly blames Mordecai for it.. I mean it is his fault sometimes but half the time weird shit just follows him. However she’s won over by him working past it, getting her there in time and kisses him.  That blew me away and made me think well it’s finally here.. and it was.. ALMOST. However the creators wisely, if frustratingly to past me, took one more episode to iron it out: Metor Moves has the two growing closer, and semi-going out, but Rigby pops mordecai’s bubble pointing out he never actually made a boyfriend girlfriend move and her move could’ve gone either way. So Mordecai , after seasons of being wishy washy and awkward, finally decides to go for it as he, rigby, eileen and margret go to a metor shower.  Being Regular Show it dosen’t go as planned as his attempted kiss is blocked by the guardians of the friend zone.. which is a real, phantom zone esque place here and that’s just fantastic. And it’s also clearly mocking the hell out of the concept, which is dumb. if you want to ask someone out just do it, I learned that the hard way. And if you really are friends, if she says no then you’ll accept it and keep a friend anyway as I have. But it’s clearly parodying it and Mordecai get sreplayed all the times he ALMOST made a move but didn’t but refuses to accept this clusterfuck, realizes he was a screwup when it came to this.. and kisses her.. and this time the two enter a relationship> Granted it barely lasted but still, it was nice while it did and this ep is just great for it. While not the funniest, it’s up this high because it took somethign the show did wrong.. and turned it on it’s head and into a character flaw and had mordecai grow past it, with a genuinely romantic moment on top as well as an utterly funny and batshit concept. It also had some Rigleen, as by this point rigby stopped being a hateful wastebasket to her and warmed up to her, and I regret there’s no reigleen episodes on this list. Their the shows best couple and utterly adorable. Just wanted to mention that at least once this list. 

4. Laundry Woes (Season 5, Episode 1) From the begining to the end. While sadly Morderet didn’t last too long in canon, which blows, it did give us some great episodes while it lasted, as with the above entry and their breakup in Steak Me Amedeus. As mentioned before Margret left for college, which while abrupt feeling did pave the way for great stories: The Mordejay arc mentioned above and that will pop up again very soon, This was one of them: the ep while lacking on laughs is a good emotional rollercoaster and starts with an amazing montage that catches us up from the end of season 4: Mordecai is miserable, as you’d expect and wallowing in it with Benson, of all people, letting him. And given Benson seems to have a heart attack any time Mordecai and Rigby aren’t working, that’s huge. But eventually his friends refuse to let it go on and in a really touching montage help him through it, taking him out places, giving him good times and eventually.. the fog starts to lift and he starts to enjoy himself and by the end.. he’s himself again. It’s one of the series best sequences, told with no dialouge and showing just how far the rest of the cast had come: Benson actually wants to comfort mordecai but is encouraged not to at first, underfstandably as it probably woudlnt’ help, and a crew that were once, aside from Pops who much like Krillin is everyone’s friend, just coworkers who barely tolerated each other, and are now close as family and help their own in need.  But Grief isn’t a straight line and just as Mordecai’s recovering he’s sent spiraling when he finds Margret’s sweater and uses ita s a flimsy excuse to go return it. It’s here I also get to talk about Rigby, who grew from an impatient idiot who hated Mordecai’s romantic endevors and actively sabtoaged them at times, to an understandting wing man who, while understandably frustrated with his best friend’s own idiocy with women, turned out to know more and be the wise council he needed, triggering both is relationships and only bailing out during the season 6 clusterfuck and even then was there to comfort him after it was all over and go to his aid to pull him out of another misery hole. And here he gives Mordecai the hard truth: He shoudln’t do this, it’s just going to tear both him and margret up again and he just put himself back together. He’s not going to let his best friend do this to himself. And while there is a supernatural elment, the sweater comes to life and tries to get Mordecai to force margret back with him and give up college, likely voicing his darkest wants that he hates himself for wanting, but it feels more like a manfiestation of Mordecai’s own issues than the usual madness. Like “Trucker hall of Fame”, a rare senntence, it’s a less funny packed more grounded episode. And in the end it’s mordecai himself, after rejecting the ghost sweater and seeing his ex truly happy , that gets him to NOT talk to her and just.. let it go. IT’s a good emotional episode and SHOULD HAVE BEEN the end of their relationship... but i’ve ranted about the cheating storyarc enough here, moving right along. 

3. Portable Toilet (Season 5, Episode 16) Back to the Mordejay arc. And yes this arc is my faviorite and while I didn’t make it clear at the time I really shipped the two, even before it became canon. I had nothing against morderet, these two simply had more chemistry and these episodes built CJ up as more of a character than Margret was at the time. It’s why that later arc sucks so much to me: it destroys a perfectly good relationship and story arc for dumb reasons and never really did enough with it to justify doing so. I’ll get to it some day, or if someone comissions it soone rthan some day, but as you can tell i’m still sore over it and great eps like this are part of the reason why. It’s the same reason i’m sore on how Tom was handled on star vs. But as you can also tell as bitter and lemon scented as I am.. these eps are still objectivley great and thus took up a third of the list basically.  Case in point Portable Toilet, which zooms back a bit to when neither would admit they were into each other but were now friends at least. Also Eileen was CJ”s friend now because plot convience. I mean they worked, and it bothers me a lot that the creators claim cj washed her hands of her even though she’s not the one who made out with margret... which come to think of it adding her to rigleen.. not a bad idea. I mean Rigby didn’t really like margret true, but they did almost go out before mordecai killed him and then reset time because Mordecai’s always kinda sucked. I’ll file that away for later. But my new OTP aside, I did like the two bonding and what not.  Anyways with their outside park friend/RIgby’s future girlfriend now friends with Mordeai’s future girlfriend the four have apparently been hanging out which, while i’ve bemoaned off screen stuff at times, works here and regular show uses it better than most shows. While Rigby can clearly see Mordecai and CJ are into each other Mordecai is as we covered in denial and while that dosen’t really progress here, it does lead to one of teh shows finest hours. When talking would you rathers, CJ semi-flirtly dares Mordecai to eat his lunch sandwitch in a portable toilet, which he agrees to and drags a reluctant rigby along for. This being regular show, it goes south fast as the two get stuck, with Rigby’s clautrophiba kicking in leading to an amazing exchange Mordecai; Dude that makes no sense! Rigby: You’s makes no sense! While our dynamic duo try to get mordecai and rigby out the two are carted away and repalced with a new portable toilet, a deluxe one. Also we get another great bit when our dynamic duo find Muscle man, in a robe with choclate’s claming “Eileen, other girl, this isn’t weird” before screaming “This isn’t weird”. Turns out old portable toilets are taken to be blown up by the miltary and we get one of the shows best one off characters in the general, who not only explains it as “toilets being about the same size as the enmy” but when told he should call the president says “the preseident is not my father i’ll blow up as many toilets as I want.”. Spectacular. So now it’s a scramble for one twosome to rescue the other, Rigby lets out a cathartic “THANK YOUUU MORDECAI” over the flirty toilet dare, and the day is saved> This one is another pure comedy one, even if it ties into a plot I really like, and i’ts gold for obvious reasons and manages to take blowing up porta poties, a premise that dosen’t seem that funny, and make it utter comedic gold. Speaking of pure comic episodes that are utterly insane...

2. Cool Bikes (Season 3, Episode 7)

This one feels like regular show boiled down to it’s core: semi-relabtale hyjinks dovetalling into pure madness. And the premise sounds like a shit post i’d make: Mordecai and Rigby want benson to admit their cool and get into progressively weird outfits and tricks to their bycycles to do so, eventually becoming so cool their put on trial by the council of cool , ending up having to make a runner when Benson finally breaks down and admits it.  The premise is utterly stupid in the best way possible, with the conflict being the kind of petty bullshit we all get into from time to time with our aquantinces: not wanting to admit something and loose the argument withthings escalating. And in regular show terms it escalate sperfectly into the entire unvierse being threatned adn our heros being on trial for their lives. There’s not much to say here, it’s just pure comedic gold with a premise that just works. It also has good moments for Benson with his finally admitting they are cool and saving the duo’s lives whne he realized he just gave them a death sentence. Utter fun. And now we come to the finale, my faviorite episode...

1. Dodge This (Season 5, Episode 15) 

Yup this arc again. But this one has more than my ship going for it, and it’s why it soared to the top: It takes the excellent character work of other episodes and weaves it with excellent comedy to create an utter delight and the episode I remember most fondly and most often. It’s just great. The second part of the Mordeijay arc, not counting yes dude yes, the episode is half that and half sports movie: The Park Guys have been taking part in dodgeball as a team bulding thing and it shows how far Benson’s come as he not only praises mordecai, and launches the mordecai and benson ship in the process, but gives his team full wings and his full support, a far cry from his usual self. It’s also the first big instance of him getting hammered on wings and it’s glorious to see drunk flirty benson.  Benson is also genuinely congratulatory to the team’s ace mordecai, and most of them realy for b eing valuable and hopes to win this year.  IN their way are two things: The magical elements, aka the floating baby heads that gave skips his immortality, his friend with sparkly eyes who works for them and death himself whose a recurring character and fucking great and who were their bowling rivals too. The other is CJ is back, and Benson in another good moment actually talks mordecai through it and his nerves over it assuring him. So we get a great sports piece as our heroes work through various callbacks and even beat the magical elements iwth Rigby’s hilarious and rediculous rignado manuver, which is as dumb as it sounds and winged a guy hilaroiusly before with Benson scolding him like a toddler.  Of course it ends up with Mordecai and CJ against each other, both incredibly awkard over things as mentioned before, and both ending up in a stalmate that magical dodgeball guardians have to resolve because, let’s do this one last time. IT’S REGULAR SHOW. We do get a good moment though as the two work through their awkwardness: both thinking the other is rightfully mad: Mordecai for his two timer date with her and Margret and CJ for running out without talking to mordecai after they had a moment on new years. The both work past it, the park strikers loose,benson likely gets hammered again off screen.. it’s a good one and I have no shame in putting it at number one. It’s got heart, really great jokes, and some good charcter stuff, not to the level of other episodes on this list, but it wasn’t a full episode of that like those were and still works to move the plot forward and is still a classic. Just a fun, breezy, well done epsidoe fully rooted in the cast’s characters and getting laughs out of that.. mostly benson.  And with that this giangantic list comes to a close> I hope you enjoyed it, if you liked it follow me for more. I’ll be doing close enough coverage every week, as well as amphibia and owl house among other reviews. Until we meet again, later days. 

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part forty three/

Word Count: 7.2k

A/N: smooth sailing for our favorite toxic couple, less toxicity however. More cute shit that will probably make you cry though. 

Warnings: languages, smut for a brief second, drug talk, nikki being a cute little shit.

Taglist: @brideofdraculana , @xstarryeyes , @aryssav , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol , @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies, @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless,  @venus-calum, @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @are-we-real, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @baiabouk @awesomealmostdopestudent, @martabastic, @romanticvengeance , @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @rockersbox, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy, @thanks2pete, @slowandangry, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @swoopygorl, @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @wheresmyvodkabitch, @waywardprincess666, @malibubarbievince, @iluvmesomemarvelndc,  @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer@electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist@emmaelizabeth2014, @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120 @xrosegoldwolfx, @cranberribread, @lauravic, @mgkobsessed, @chaoticvybe, @opalrustad, @kellysimagines, @zoenicoles, @marvelismylifffe

January ‘89

I had walked through the doors of the recording studio Tommy had given me the address to last night and went straight for the room with the red light above it. I leaned my head against the door, hearing Vince’s voice as he sang to a loud beat. I took a deep breath in while my hand reached for the doorknob, slowly turning it as I walked inside, quietly shutting the door behind me.

Nikki, Tommy and Mick had their backs towards me as they were tapping their foot to the song.

Vince had seen me walk in and had a huge smile on his face, which quickly fell when Nikki paused the recording track.

“Let’s...lets just go again Vinny, this album is gonna be perfect, just...start it from the top.” My heart skipped a beat when I heard Nikki’s voice, it sounded different. Still rough, but less tiredness? I’m not sure.

“I don’t know why I gotta keep doing it, when it was fucking fine the first time. What? Now that you’re sober, you’re a perfectionist?” Vince snapped back at him, a scoff leaving his lips.

I chewed on my nail as I watched them go back and forth, “Vince, it’s just gonna be perfect. Alright, I’m sorry man. Just...just one more time, alright?” Nikki pleaded with him, I caught a glimpse of his arm, the newfound ink covering his skin.

“Y’know, maybe we should ask Vanity.” Vince said, as I covered my mouth to keep my laughs in, “Yeah, well if she was fucking here maybe we could.” Nikki groaned, resting his head in his hand as he leaned onto the soundboards.

“Go ahead and ask me.” I said sweetly, watching as Nikki turned around in the chair, dropping his bottle of water as he stood up and started walking over to me, almost tripping over the coffee table.

Nikki was swift to pull me into a tight hug, “Hey, what-what are you doing here?” He said, gripping my shoulders as he pulled away from me.

I examined everything about him, he had put weight back on, as well as some muscle. He had a nice olive complexion going on. His arms were covered in tattoos and his hair was still the same but with buzzed sides. He looked like a completely different person.

“I came to see you! All of you...wow, look at all these tattoos.” I was amazed at how much ink was in his skin, “and the hair? I love it...you look so handsome.” I told him, Tommy and Mick snickering. “Handsome...” Tommy mumbled as him and Mick laughed with one another.

I could tell Nikki was blushing, “Yeah...Uh....I had a lot of free time and much needed cover ups.” He rubbed his arm as he looked at the ink, “And, I shower again...well more frequently now, so I thought a haircut would be good.” He continued as he chewed on his bottom lip, looking down at me.

“Does that mean I have to get the tattoo on my ass covered up, now?” I scratched the top of my head, “I was just starting to like it after all this time.”

Nikki smirked as he snuck his hand around mine, “Hell no. I love that tattoo.” He stated, pulling me over to the couch as I sat down next to him. I could feel his hand sweating as he wouldn’t let go of mine.

“You look great doll, I mean you always do. But you look really good. I guess I’ve missed you a lot.” Nikki rambled, his voice was shaky as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I’m really glad you’re here. How long are you staying?” Nikki asked me as I shrugged, listening to what Vince was singing.

‘Top hat to match

Dressed in black on black

She's got a Philipino girlie

She claims is her friend

I tell you boys you just gotta laugh

Now I used to call her Cindy..’

“Wow, is the new album? It sounds amazing!” I said, as Tommy turned in the chair to face me, “Sounds dope right? It’s gonna be so fucking sick.” He said, throwing up the devil horns before giving me a tight hug and picking me up off the couch.

“Because we can actually think clearly and hear the music, god that still sounds awful-Vinny c’mon man.” Nikki stopped the music again as Vince glared at him.

“Dude, seriously? What is wrong now?” Vince questioned, as I pushed down the button and spoke into the mic, “You need to sing faster, it’s not matching the tempo, you’re going too...slow.” I got quieter towards the end when they were all staring at me.

I laughed nervously as I saw Nikki’s face get scrunched up, “I Uh...I mean if you want, I’m not an expert..never mind.” I said, going to sit down on the couch. A woman with a busty top offered me a water, I quickly took a sip. I was becoming nervous.

“Sorry...” I mumbled to Nikki as I knew I overstepped my boundaries. He shook his head and turned back around, “Try it Vince.”

He sounded better, way better as the guys were all bobbing their head to the music. Nikki turned slightly and gave me a smile, nodding his head to the door as he got up. He stuck his hand out for me and I took it as he intertwined our fingers together.

We walked out to a back patio behind the building and sat down on a bench that was being shaded by a giant pine tree. I sat down at the opposite end of Nikki. I heard him chuckle as I brought a cigarette to my mouth and lit it.

“You’re nervous.” He stated as he scooted over to me, making me stand up in front of him, “Am not.” I was shaky as I dropped my cigarette. He picked it up for me before taking a drag and handing it back.

“It’s like you haven’t met us before, what’s the deal? I can tell you’re nervous.” He asked, bringing his black ray bans down to his face and stretching his arms across the back of the bench.

“I just...I haven’t met sober Nikki yet or sober Tommy, Mick and Vince. I have to get to know everyone all over again.” I explained, exhaling the smoke from my lungs as I saw his lips curl into that smirk of his.

“I’m just dumb. Ignore me.” I rambled, laughing at myself afterwards.

“I’m still me, just clear headed and not thinking about my next fix every five minutes.” He explained, pushing his hair back, “Is this about the last time we were together?” He questioned, taking off his sunglasses and folding them into the hem of his shirt.

I glanced at him before looking down at the broken up concrete that laid beneath my feet, “I just- where do we go from here Nikki? You didn’t want to talk about it when you were in rehab...”

I thought about the day he came back from the hospital every single day, how he was gone and off to rehab come the following morning.

“Could talk about it over dinner if you wanted...there’s a restaurant near the falls, it’s really nice.”

I stared at him, as I again dropped the cigarette from my fingertips, “shit...” I muttered as I picked it up.

“Dinner? Like a...uh..date?” I swallowed the lump in my throat as he smiled and stood up.

I backed away from him as he took the hint to not come any closer, “Yes, Princess. A date. You wear something nice, I’ll wear something nice and we’ll have dinner and talk it out.”

I gawked at him, not believing the words that left his mouth. This was not the Nikki that I knew a year and a half ago.

“...okay...”

*later that evening*

I was sitting in the back of the limo Nikki had sent to the hotel to get me, along with all of my luggage. I was trying to keep myself from freaking out. I was amazed when we pulled in front of the restaurant. He wasn’t lying when he said it was right by the falls, seeing it glisten as the sun was setting.

“Uh, thank you.” I said to the driver, “Have a wonderful evening.” He replied back as I got out of the limo, smoothing out my dress as I walked up the stairs, clutching onto the railing.

I opened up the door and was immediately greeted by the hostess.

“Hi, I’m meeting someone here...um Nikki Sixx? I don’t know if he’s here yet.” I explained, wrapping my arms around myself, I should’ve brought a jacket.

“Oh yes, he’s here. He’s been coming up to me every ten minutes asking if you’ve arrived. Let me take you to him.” She gave me a warm smile, motioning me to follow her.

When he saw me, he stood up and fixed his clothes. He was wearing a dark red half buttoned dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of leather pants. Typical Nikki style.

“Hey doll.” He said, kissing my cheek as he helped me into the chair, “I like the dress.” He said as he sat down, “You look hot.”

I smiled, a soft chuckle leaving my lips. “Thank you, you look hot too.” I replied, looking around at the lightly dimmed atmosphere. The table had a singular lit candle with rose petals around it that over looked the falls and the sunset.

“Wine?” A server walked up to us, holding a bottle in his hand, “Uh...” I trailed off as I looked over at him.

“For her, yes. For me, I’ll just have a water-“ the waiter began to fill up my glass half way, “You don’t need to walk on egg shells with me, it’s French wine.” He explained as I took a sip of it. It was pretty damn good.

“So, you’re not even drinking?” I questioned, as he thanked the waiter for his water.

“It’s better if I don’t. One glass turns into a bottle, a bottle turns into me being drunk all day. Cigarettes is about as far as I go now.” He explained, his eyes watching as I brought the glass to my lips again.

“And it doesn’t bother you if I’m drinking?” I clarified as he shook his head, “Just because I’m in the no fun club doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself, babe. It’s fine, really.” He explained, leaning back into the chair.

“Well, why’d you stop calling me? I waited for your call everyday. I mean, I know we got into that fight, but I still wanted to talk to you.” I asked him, deciding that diving head first was the best way to go.

He laughed, “Hard hitting questions already?” I shrugged in response as he let out a sigh. “It wasn’t my idea...I wanted to keep calling you, but the stupid therapist thought it was a very bad idea with me detoxing and us fighting still, even if it was over the phone. He thought it was better to wait till I was clear headed...”

*Flashback*

I slammed down the phone after Vanity continued to bitch at me, saying there was random girls and a few drug dealers still coming over to the house.

“And what the fuck are you writing down now?” I snapped at Marcus, my therapist I was working with while I’m stuck here in rehab.

“Do you two always fight?” He questioned me, pen ready in hand to write down whatever the fuck I said so he can use it against me later.

He sighed, putting down the pen and notepad as he took off his glasses, “Fine, man to man...tell me about Vanity. We have yet to discuss your romantic relationships.”

“There is no romantic relationships. I’ve always just fucked the girls and kicked them out in the morning.” I replied, crossing my arms against my chest.

“Well, it sounds like she’s not one of those girls, so who is she? A girlfriend? An ex girlfriend?” He asked, “She’s just....I’m in love with her, man.”

“How do you know you love her?” He asked, picking up that stupid notebook I wanted to rip in half.

“I just...I just know. I want to be with her. I’ve always wanted to be with her. She’s so god damn beautiful, she’s always made me happy.”

“Is She your girlfriend?” Marcus asked, I shook my head telling him no.

“We started fucking and I fell for her. We did everything together. Slept together, partied together, did drugs together, I met her family a few times. We had a relationship without ever putting a label on it.” I explained.

“And now you want a label? Does she feel the same way?” I shrugged, “I’m sure you know, Nikki.” I shrugged again, silence filling the room for a moment as I thoroughly thought my response.

“I’m no good for her. I’ve been so fucked up towards her, I’ve hurt her a lot. But, she told me she loved me after my OD. She was at my house waiting for me to come back home. It just makes me think, what if I didn’t come back and I just left her to hide these feelings away?”I expressed as I think about the tears she shed for me every night, the look on her face when she saw me in the kitchen.

“I want to show her that I won’t hurt her ever again and that it was truly just the drugs and that I’m actually a decent guy that could be what she wants and needs.” I explained, cracking my knuckles as he looked up from his notepad he had begun writing in again

“I think you two are toxic. At least when drugs are involved. I think there’s potential for you to have a healthy relationship with her after your recovery.” He explained, as I nodded at his words.

“But, I do believe right now she is triggering for you. She’s associated with all these bad feelings and moments-“ “No, she’s not. She’s-“

He put his hand up, a signal for me to listen and stop talking, “I just watched you scream at her over the phone, and her words were pretty clear too. I don’t think it is a good idea for you to be talking, I’ll be adding her to the do not call list.”

“You can’t do that! I can talk to whoever I fucking want!! You’re a fucking idiot, I’m the one signing your god damn paychecks.”

“Nikki...” he said my name calmly, how the fuck could this motherfucker be this stoic?

“Nikki, if she loves you she will understand-“ “No she won’t, she’ll be upset.” I cut him off as I expressed my worries.

“Nikki, she wants you to get better, she will understand.”

*end flashback*

“I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did...and the way I talked to you at times. All of it was so fucked up. Every single thing I’ve done to you, I truly am sorry for.” Nikki reassured me, giving me a look of softness

I took a sip of the wine as I looked at him, “You did a lot of fucked up things to me, Nikki. I know it was because of the drugs, but it didn’t hurt any less. Your words would cut through me every time because you know me and you know just the right things to say to get under my skin, as do I for you.”

I paused as I tapped my fingers against the table.

“And it was partially my fault too, I would test your patience and make you mad just because you made me mad, and I’m sorry for that. I enabled you a lot telling you to go find it, just so you would get out of my face and I’m so sorry for that.” I chewed on my lip as he listened to me.

“I mean, sleeping with Slash was just in spite of you and that fight we had. You didn’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve to see me having sex with him. I am sorry.” I apologized to him as he nodded.

“I deserved it. We both know I did. I am a shit person that’s a work in progress. Working through my relationships with everyone in the band, Tom, you, and eventually, picking things slowly with Deanna.” He looked at me, “I know you did, I shouldn’t have acted out like that though. Throwing the picture frame...I shouldn’t.. that-I made you cry and I felt bad...I didn’t mean to upset you the way I did....”

“I meant what I said that night though...and I know you’re scared and I already know you’ve had shit luck with guys, that’s me included. But I meant it, I do love you.”

I huffed as I pushed the menu and glass away from me, “I love you Nikki, I love you so much and when you overdosed and I thought you were dead I was extremely angry with myself, because I was a pussy and didn’t tell you how I felt that night when you said it and you’re right, I am scared. I’m fucking terrified to be with you, but I’m willing to get over it.”

*flashback*

“I know she’s scared to be with me. I mean fuck, dude. I fucking slipped her smack for starters, I pretty much called her a slut in front of all her family at her birthday party. I fucked her while she had a boyfriend as he was passed out in the bed outside the door, I don’t regret that one though. Not at all. Ryan was a fucking douche.” I smirked as Marcus let out a scoff, his face twisting up with disgust.

“I threw a picture frame at her, more than likely reminding her of her abusive ex boyfriend and then called her a slut again when I found her fucking Slash.”

Marcus wiped his glasses clean as he stared at me, “You’re an asshole.” He said as I furrowed my eyebrows together, “Fuck you, man. You can’t fucking talk to me like that!!” I yelled at him, as he stayed calm.

“I just....She makes me so mad sometimes. Cause let me tell you Vanity Blackwood is no fucking angel either, alright? Everyone thinks she is, but she isn’t. She’s stubborn, bitchy, she complains way too fucking much sometimes, even though she has everything she’s ever fucking wanted. She’s angry and she blows up and breaks things. She’s...she’s argumentative and she just knows how to test my god damn patience.” I breathed out, reaching for the water bottle as I took a sip.

“Just let me fucking call her, please? I miss her.” I admitted as he shook his head, “No, not yet.” He retorted as I let out at a groan.

“So you two have always fought?” He asked as I nodded, “Always, rather it be bickering about what to watch or a full blown screaming match that ends in her walking away from me crying.”

“Do you think by her walking away from you, it sets off your abandonment issues?” I nodded as I looked down at my hands.

“I’m scared she’s gonna leave and not come back. That’s when I would panic and lock myself away, slam needle after needle into whatever vein I could find.”

“So, she drove you to shoot up?” He sounded concerned, “Did she shoot up with you?”

I chuckled, “God no, I would have lost my shit if she ever tried to touch it, the most she ever did with me was blow. She doesn’t like the pills and she doesn’t like smoking anything other then cigarettes.”

“So the feelings are real? It wasn’t just the drugs?” He questioned, writing down something.

“No. It was never the drugs. They fucked with my head, but I know what I feel for her is real.”

*end flashback*

Nikki’s eyes lit up as I saw the smile form across his lips, “I love you too...and we can take things easy, you know? Don’t have to rush.”

“So I’m guessing we’re not sleeping together tonight? If we’re not rushing?” I said, half joking as I finished off the glass of wine.

“Yeah, were not. We can lay down, cuddle. Watch a movie or something...” He explained slowly as the smile I had left my face, his smile copying mine almost simultaneously.

“Oh....” I said, ending the gaze I had upon him, “Can I have some more wine?” I asked a server, grabbing his arm to stop him as he walked past our table. I sat in silence as he poured another half glass.

“I mean....that’s fine. I don’t care.” feeling pure embarrassment, I buried my face in the menu to avoid looking at him.

I just assumed we would y’know? That he would be more than happy to fuck my brains out again.

“I know it’s not ideal...And trust me I want to, but I seriously want to do this right, Vanity.” Nikki expressed, I glanced over to him for a split second, “No, yeah, that’s fine.” I said quickly.

“Am I fucking up already?” He asked, the tone of his voice oozed hesitation.

“No! No you’re fine...I just assumed that we would, we don’t have to. I like slow, we can take it as slow as we want, babe.” I reached for his hand, “so many tattoos now.” I said, turning over his hand and seeing them all up along his arm, “I like them. You need a tattoo for me next.” I joked as he smiled, “Don’t tempt me, I’ll go get your name tattooed on me tomorrow.” He laughed, as I rolled my eyes, I smiled, knowing he wasn’t joking either.

After dinner and some rehab stories involving Nikki almost throwing a chair out a window due to all of his frustrations, his therapist apparently pushed his limits. But, I think he was just doing his job. He mentioned Vince crying on Micks shoulder during a group therapy session. I could only imagine how Mick reacted.

Nikki had drove us back to the condo he has been living in for the last little bit, it was rather small for his rockstar taste but it had a killer view of the ocean.

I stood in the middle of his bedroom as I looked out the sliding glass door that led to a balcony, “I mean, it has nothing like the view in Van Nuys, but it’s nice.” He expressed as he stood next to me. I turned and looked up at him, his eyes met mine which eventually made me look away from him.

“Are we gonna watch a movie?” I asked, stepping over to his bed and sitting on the edge of it. I crossed one leg over the other as he looked at me, he was keeping his distance still, I think he was having a hard time controlling himself.

He cleared his throat, “Yeah...I uh...I have a few you can pick from...” He said, grabbing a few Blockbuster VHS tapes and handing them to me.

The Lost Boys. Full Metal Jacket. Lethal Weapon. Dirty Dancing. I handed him Lethal Weapon. I’ve seen it a million times already, so I wouldn’t have to pay attention and I could test how serious he actually is about not sleeping together tonight.

“Can I have something to wear?” I asked him, as he turned around to look away from the tv and at me.

“Your bags are downstairs.” He said as I raised an eyebrow, narrowing my eyes as I looked at him, “But..uh, here.” He said, crossing the bedroom as he went to the dresser, pulling out an old T-Rex shirt and handing it to me, “Thanks...”I mumbled as he went to the bathroom and quickly came out in sweats and no shirt. God damn, the tattoos were all the way across his chest too.

“What is that!?” I laughed as I poked his nipple ring, he looked down with a smirk on his pink lips.

“Like it? I thought it was cool.” He confessed as he laid down on his side of the bed, back propped up against the headboard. “I like it a lot actually, it’s surprising.” I explained as he laughed, “You should get yours done then.” I rolled my eyes as he laughed again, before watching the previews of the movie.

I kicked off my heels and slipped out of the dress, I heard him exhale deeply as it fell down my legs. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glaring at my body. His eyes wandering to the matching black laced bra and thong I was wearing.

“I’m gonna make popcorn..” he grumbled, as I watched him get off the bed and stomp out of the room. I giggled to myself as I slipped on the shirt quickly and got into the bed.

*Nikki’s POV*

I almost ripped the damn bag in half as I started pouring the popcorn into the bowl. I knew she was doing this shit on purpose. I’m really trying so god damn hard to control myself. Trust me, I want nothing more than to fuck her right now. To feel her underneath me and moaning into my ear as I fuck her how she loves it. I just didn’t want to do that yet, I wanted to take my time. It would be better for the both of us even if she agreed with me or not.

I pushed those thoughts to the side when I walked back into my room, seeing her laying on my bed, legs crossed at her ankles. The shirt was raised up a little bit, showing off her naval piercing and that rose tattoo on her hip.

I felt like it was the first time again, that night I slipped her smack that’s when I saw her out of clothes for the first time. And man, did I need another cold shower again.

I laid in the bed next to her, putting the bowl of popcorn in between us for it to act as some type of barrier so she couldn’t try anything, but of course, why would I think that would stop her?

“I really love this hairstyle, Nikki. You look sexy.” She said, grazing her nails over the shaved sides of my head. I ran my fingers through my hair, “It’s cool, right?” I looked over at her, my gaze quickly falling to her plump lips. “I wanted something different, and Tommy had me shave his.”

She turned on her side to face me, her thigh laying on top of mine as she trailed her nails over the tattoos on my chest, “You trusted T-bone with a razor?” She laughed as she laid her head on my shoulder, “The blood shed was minimal.” I said, pulling her closer and kissing the the top of her head.

She relaxed as she laid against me, her arm wrapping around my waist as she held me close to her. I sighed under her touch, but tensed up shortly after when her fingers drifted across the top of my sweats. My eyes followed her every move as she began to play with the drawstring of the pants.

“Vanity...” I warned, grabbing her hand and holding it tight. She in return, looked up at me with a shit eating grin, “What, Sixx? I’m just watching the movie.” She batted her eyelashes innocently as she placed a soft kiss on my chest.

“I know what you’re doing.” I muttered as she smirked at me, “What are you talking about? I’m not doing anything, Nikki.” She smiled, biting her bottom lip as she ran her fingers through my hair.

I caught her wrist and glared at her, “Stop...” I pleaded as she nodded. Her actions proved otherwise when she pulled her wrist away from my grip as she got on top of me, straddling my waist.

“You’re really telling me you don’t want to touch me?” She looked down at me intently, grabbing my hands and putting them on her hips. I clutched her hips and the shirt, feeling her slowly grind against me.

“Doll, c’mon...just, let’s just watch-“ I stopped talking, letting out a groan when she put one of my hands in between her legs. I watched as she moved my hand against her, feeling that she was wet under the thin fabric.

“I’ve missed you so much, Nikki.” She let out a breathy moan, “I touched myself to the thought of you a lot while you were gone.”

I bit my lip, tasting blood as I watched her rub her hips against my hand, “Y-yeah?” I choked out, moving uncomfortably underneath her.

“So I know, if I thought about you, you had to think of me.” Her smirk was confident as I rubbed my hands up her sides, feeling the curve of her body under my palms.

I stared at her as I pushed her panties to the side, seeing the smile form across her face as I was giving into what she wanted from me. She’s such a little devil sometimes.

“I have something for you.” She moaned, as I brushed my thumb over her clit repeatedly, “Yeah baby? Show me.” I groaned as she got off my lap.

“Just, lay right here. Don’t move.” She warned as I watched her leave my bedroom. I rubbed my face as I was breathing heavily, noticing that my dick was standing at full attention.

She came back, a smile on her face and her hands behind her back, “What do you got for me?” I asked as she crawled back on top of me.

She ran her nails up and down my chest, as she held her hand open, showing me a syringe: ten cc’s full of heroin.

I shoved her off of me as I got off the bed, “What the fuck are you doing!?” I screamed at her, she laughed as she sat on her knees.

“C’mon nik. It’s not like you’re really gonna stay sober.” She cackled as she shoved the needle into my hand.

“Yes I am! I’m never touching it again! What the fuck is the matter with you!? Get the fuck out!” I yelled at her, forcefully grabbing her hand and dragging her over to my bedroom door.

“Wake up, Nikki. You’re still a junkie. Still a scared little boy!” She shouted, shoving herself away from me, “Shut up! Shut the fuck up!” I yelled back at her.

“Wake up!” She yelled at me, “Fuck you!! I can’t fucking believe you!? How could you fucking do this to me!!”

“Baby! Wake up!” She yelled again, “Why are you fucking saying that!!”

“Nikki! Wake up!!”

I jolted up into a sitting position, as I looked at Vanity who sat next to me, staring at me confused. I quickly got out of the bed, tripping over the blankets as I fell down on the carpet.

“Nikki? Are you okay?” She asked, crawling over to the edge of the bed, “Do-Don’t come near me.” I stuttered as I got myself up, wiping sweat from my face.

“Did you have a nightmare?” She asked quietly as she watched me. I looked at the alarm clock and saw that it was seven in the morning.

“You fucking....you...” I couldn’t get it out of my mouth. That’s like my worse fucking nightmare, her offering it to me.

“I What? What did I do?” She questioned me, a look of confusion written all over. “If it’s about last night I’m sorry....” Vanity said, looking away from me.

“I just...I missed you. And I thought we would have sex when I saw you again, I wasn’t trying to upset you if I did. I know I was pestering you and I’m guessing that’s why you fell asleep not even half way through the movie.”

“We didn’t have sex?” I asked, looking around at the room as I tried to figure it out, “No? You fell asleep. Are you okay?” She said, finally getting out of the bed and walking to me, moving the messy hair out of my face.

“You fucking...you tried giving me heroin.” I told her as she looked taken back, “and you were saying all these fucked up things to me, and then I woke up.”

“Nikki...” she stopped talking as she scrunched up her eyebrows, “I would never do that to you, you know that, right? I would never put your recovery in jeopardy, I love you. I want to see you succeed.”

I nodded, closing my eyes as she put her hand on the side of my face. “I know. I know, it was just a nightmare. “ I shook my head, until I felt her press a gentle, warm kiss on me.

She pulled away as her hands glided up my bare chest, before she rested her head against me. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer to me as I breathed in the scent of her shampoo and the lingering smell of her perfume from last night.

“I love you so god damn much.” I mumbled into her hair as she nodded, hugging my waist tighter.

“I love you more, Sixx.” She whispered, kissing my chest as she peered up at me, “I was wanting to stay a few days if that’s okay, I know you’re busy.”

I shook my head, “No, it’s okay. I want you to stay as long as you want, we just have to spend the day at the studio then I’m free tonight, we can go do something or whatever, so hurry up and get ready. We have to be there at nine.” I shrugged, running my hand through my hair.

“Well I’m gonna shower, you want to join me?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows as she took my hand but I let go of it.

“I’ll wait till you’re done.” I said as I watched her tilt her head to the side, “What? Now that you’re sober you are celibate?” She questioned as I chuckled, shaking my head, “Don’t start with me.” I warned as she giggled.

“Fine, your choice.” She said before she took off the shirt she was wearing, throwing it at my face before she pranced over to the bathroom, more sway in her hips then usual.

*later that day, Vanity’s POV*

Nikki held my hand as he led me into the studio, seeing Vince in the booth singing something while Tommy and Mick were lounging around, “Nikki, no girls allowed.” Some guy with short brown hair and a beard spoke up as he nodded over to me.

Some guy with short brown hair and a beard spoke up as he nodded over to me.

“Relax man, Van c’mere.” Nikki motioned for me as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, “Meet Bob Rock, he’s help producing the new album. He’s worked with Metallica, Bon Jovi and some others. Bob, meet Vanity, my girlfriend.”

I looked up at Nikki, “Girlfriend?” I questioned, furrowing my eyebrows, “Sh.” He said before kissing my forehead. This guy Bob stared down at me, “Don’t be a distraction, he’s working.” He warned as he went back to playing with some buttons and beats to a song.

“You didn’t ask me to be your girlfriend.” I whispered to him as he looked over some papers. He looked up at me, grinning as he kissed my lips, “Didn’t think I had too.” He smirked arrogantly as I scoffed, “Okay, fine. You wanna be my girlfriend?” Nikki questioned me, running his thumb across my cheek.

“Hm, I’ll think about it.” I smirked as I watched the scowl form across his face. I chuckled, trying to kiss him but he avoided it by tilting his head up. I quickly gripped his chin to make him look at me, then quickly kissed his hips before I let him work.

“So, how was your date?” Tommy asked, giving me a cheesy smile as he wiggled his eyebrows, “Don’t see any bruises on your neck.” He teased, putting his hand under my jaw and moving my head around until I slapped his hand away from me.

“Stop being a child, to think I missed you.” I rolled my eyes, smiling at him as he laughed.

“Oh please, you probably missed me more than Nikki-“ he joked, “but seriously, how was the date? He wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it all day after you left yesterday.” Tommy expressed as he took a sip out of a bottle of some sparkling water.

“It was nice. We talked about it all and I think we’re finally gonna be okay, T-bone.” I smiled, looking over at Nikki as he was discussing something with Bob.

Tommy nudged my shoulder, “Thank god, you two deserve to be happy finally.” I nodded at his words

“Also, was getting really, really fed up with the fighting. Shits annoying.” Mick spoke up as I looked over at him sitting in a chair and strumming away on his guitar.

“Missed you too, Mick.” I smiled as he nodded, “Beautiful as ever, princess.” Mick spoke soft before continuing to play his guitar at a slow place.

Nikki spun around in the chair, “Come over here for a minute.” He spoke as I stood up and walked over to him, “I have written all these songs over the year I was away. I mean the guys helped but a majority of it was me.” Nikki said handing me a small stack of papers. I went through it, reading some of the lyrics. They were amazing.

I found my way onto Nikki’s lap as I felt him tense up, “Do they have music to them yet?” I questioned, putting them down on as I wrapped my arm around the back of his shoulders.

“Uh…” he cleared his throat, trying to adjust underneath me as he wrapped an arm around my waist, “Some of them do. I wrote some for you actually, or about you or you were inspiration for them.” He rambled on as I started running my nails through his hair

“Is that so? Are you gonna let me hear them or are you gonna make me wait until whenever you publish the album?” I questioned him, eyes locking on his as he looked away from me. He grabbed a glass bottle of sparkling water, taking a sip before he spoke up again.

“I can show them to you now, but you can’t take it too personal and you can’t get upset. They sound amazing.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “Okay, I won’t. Play them for me.”

Nikki exhaled, before pushing a button. The song started with a woman’s laugh followed by what sounded like a zipper being pulled down.

‘…..A country smile and charm

Out in the back of my ‘58 Chevy

She said she’d do me no harm

You know she makes me feel good

Just like a bad girl should

She goes down

She goes down

She goes down, down down down….’

As the song went on, I found myself getting frustrated and my smile was slowly fading away. I looked over seeing Tommy and Vince laughing at the song, “And what’s so god damn funny to you?” I asked, glaring at them as they both shut their mouths.

‘…..Always a lady

I love Southern ladies

They just know how to please

It’s like connecting the dots

Start at the bottom, lick it to the top….”

I scrunched up my face, “Nikki…” I warned him as his laughed, kissing the side of my arm.

Nikki wrapped his arms around me tighter when I tried getting off his lap, “Babe, baby it’s just about the sexual acts. No one is gonna know it’s about you. They’ll think it’s just some random girl.”

I glared at him, “Really Nikki? Really? I’m going to know it’s about me-“ I gasped at the next part I heard, “For all of my friends she goes down? Huh, wonder who that could be about?” I side eyed Tommy, before looking back at Nikki “You’re lucky it’s well done.”

Nikki let out a laugh, “Okay that I could have changed but look, it sounds good right? And you know you like it I can see it. I didn’t just do a song about you doing all that okay? There’s another one.”

I looked him over, exhaling, “I am ecstatic can’t you tell?”

He pulled me closer, giving me a soft kiss on the lips, “Shut up and listen.” He pressed more buttons, stopping the track before another one started up

I bounced my foot to the beat of the song, nodding my head as I go into it, “I like this one better.” Nikki smiled at me, as I continued listening to it.

My lips parted as I heard the chorus, I lightly smacked his chest, “Girl, don’t go away mad, Just go away. Nikki what the fuck?” I pouted, as his song were making me feel insecure, “When you said you wrote some songs for me I was picturing something more romantic, not a complete roast on me.” I explained as he let out a laugh, hands squeezing my hips.

“Oh relax, Van. I’ll write something romantic for you one day.” He reassured with a kiss on the cheek.

Tommy shuffled over, nudging Nikki’s shoulder, “You did that one sappy love song, show her that one.” He let out a shrug as Nikki glanced between him and myself.

“Fuck no, no that’s too soft. I can’t believe you assholes even agreed to let it get produced.” Nikki fought back, shaking his head.

“Let me show you Dr. Feelgood. That’s what we’re calling the album.” Nikki tried changing the subject.

“Enjoy kid.” Mick said coming over, tousling my hair as he played with some buttons, “mick please don’t.” Nikki begged, seeming embarrassed.

The song began with a sad sounding electric guitar riff as Vince’s voice seemed more powerful than usual:

“…Without you, there’s no change

My nights and days are grey

If I reached out and touched the rain

It just wouldn’t feel the same…”

I looked at Nikki as he looked into his water bottle, “Stop looking at me.” He mumbled as the song went on, and man, was I becoming a puddle in his lap. I leaned into him, moving my legs so they were draped over the arm of the chair as his hand moved to lay on top of them.

“…I could face a mountain

But I could never climb alone

I could start another day

But how many, just don’t know

You’re the reason the sun shines down

And the nights, they don’t grow cold

Only you that I’ll hold when I’m young

Only you… as we grow old…”

I chewed on my bottom lip, feeling him gently move my legs off of him as he turned off the song, “And that’s enough of that.” Nikki said, his eyes meeting mine. I lowered my head, pressing my lips against his. He smiled into the kiss as Tommy and Vince started hooting and hollering.

Maybe things would finally be okay with Nikki and I now that he was sober. We just need to take things one day at a time and it will be fine. We can do this. I want to do this.

[happymetalgirl]

2019

Despite all the hubbub about year-end wrap-ups, and decade-end wrap-ups this year, it feels to me like as soon as the year is over and the next one starts people immediately stop caring about all the top tens and bottom tens.

I got really busy over this past December and, along with missing out on reviewing several albums I wanted to review, I totally missed writing the extensive year-end lists I had planned. Last year I had listed over 50 of my favorite albums and nearly 100 of my favorite songs, and I wanted to do lists this year that would follow 2018′s lists respectably. Unfortunately, time got the better of me, and it still has the better of me, but I feel like I still should at least offer some kind of closure on last year.

It’s not going to be nearly 150 entries, but I do want to very briefly give an abbreviated list of my favorite songs, my favorite metal albums, my favorite non-metal albums, my least favorite albums of 2019. I’ll be keeping the lists pretty short, but I’ll go numerically still, starting with the bad news first.

The Bottom 10 Albums of 2019:

Maybe it’s my being calloused to what’s awful, or just doing a better job of avoiding it, but I feel like I wasn’t as angry at my bottom ten this year (2019) as I was at the two that preceded it, and perhaps it’s because I feel like I got pretty much what I was expecting with most of what I heard here; not as many of these were tremendous letdowns like Bullet for My Valentine with Gravity or just horrendous beyond comprehension like Black Vale Brides’ Vale. But just because I expected the shit didn’t mean it necessarily went down any easier when I had to ingest it this year.

Like the two years before 2019 when I did worst-of lists, a lot of the worst of the genre came from obviously contrived mainstream playlist/radio bait projects from bands to which it comes as no surprise. This year didn’t include as much shitty political commentary (being that I could probably fill this list with NSBM if I actively sought that shit out) or nostalgic cash grabs as the past two years, but the staleness of the long-tired formulas by which these radio-aspiring bands adhere to in their pursuits of mainstream crossover (or maintenance) only grows more frustrating the older they get. And the amount of surrender by so many bands to Imagine Dragons’ way of dominating the rock charts has been similarly frustrating. Often cited as the new Nickelback, we now kind of look back on Nickelback with a little bit of rose-tinted hindsight with the realization that it was mostly their omnipresence that irritated us all, and the case is the same for Imagine Dragons, but I don’t remember quite as many bands trying to copy the very unoriginal Nickelback and replicate “Photograph” or “Rockstar”. But I have heard so many acts churn out knock-offs of “Radioactive”, and “Believer”, and “Whatever It Takes” in obvious attempts to get themselves into that band’s royal court on the rock charts. There was of course plenty of unimaginative atmospheric blackgaze and post-metal to be found, but even the worst of that was just ineffective and boring at worst and not so much torture upon the eardrums like the albums to follow are.

10. Bad Wolves - N.A.T.I.O.N.

We didn’t get a Five Finger Death Punch album this year, so Bad Wolves came to the rescue to fill that void in 2019, despite also releasing an album in 2018. Though I’ve seen already that FFDP are slated for a release in 2020, so, great... While I would say that N.A.T.I.O.N.’s few high points made it a slightly better project overall than the band’s debut, those highlights were not nearly enough to outweigh the bafflingly poorly arranged variety pack of trashy alt rock ballads and formulaic alt metal from ten years ago that made up the majority of this album. As erratic as its flow was, everything on this album was so predictable once you got a ten-second taste of any given song, a few too many of which reeked heavily of Nickelback (and I know I just got done saying not that many bands really copied them, but that’s how obsolete and dated this album sounds at times). It’s obvious trying to market to FFDP’s demographic and co-occupy that giant, lucrative SiriusXM niche with them, and I’m just not thrilled to have basically a clone of FFDP walking around, taking up space in the metal ecosystem to keep an eye on.

9. Municipal Waste - The Last Rager

It might seem mean to put an EP down here, but my god this was terrible. If it had gone on longer it would undoubtedly quickly make its way to the top (well, bottom) of this list. I feel like my negative review of Slime and Punishment and this EP could at face value be miscontrued as me just being a sourpuss and a way too self-serious critic or just having it out for Municipal Waste, but I love thrash, I love totally not serious music, and I wish there was more high-profile fresh thrash being released these days. I wish one of the few notable thrash releases I heard in 2019 wasn’t bottom-ten quality. But that is just where Municipal Waste are right now, lazy, run-of-the-mill party thrash that is so deficient in that real vibrant party energy that this style of music needs to work. Yeah, I get that it’s not supposed to be taken seriously, but it’s so clearly recycled that it’s not even fun, the one thing it’s supposed to be. It’s like the shit near the end of the human centipede.

8. King 810 - Suicide King

I really wasn’t expecting much from this album, and that’s pretty much what I got, with the added bonus of a weirdly amateurishly experimental flair to King 810′s usual street-cred chest-puffing brand of retro rap/nu metal. I imagine fans of the band enjoyed the added theatrics and the usual chug-backed struggle bars, but I found the whole thing to be just kind of ham-fisted and kooky. It wasn’t one of the more infuriating releases I heard all year, but I sure as hell won’t be eagerly returning to it.

7. Attila - Villain

This was another musically recycled album from a band that usually makes their appeal through fun, nasty bangers. While the music on the album was, sure, as derivative as Attila’s deathcore usually is, the primary issue with Villain was the soured attitude of the band’s usually charismatic frontman. Fronz went from being the life of the party (who, while oozing with fratboy energy that you really wouldn’t want to be around anywhere else except a crowded rager, you could at least count on to be cool and keep the party going) to that loud, overzealous asshole trying to turn up when it’s totally not the time and then getting pissy when met with resistance, making it about him and making everyone around him uncomfortable and totally. Fronz sounds like a drunk asshole challenging you everyone to chug faster than him at best and like a pushy frat bro at worst, embodying the title of the album way to much in a manner where it’s justified that he be viewed that way, if not generous given the term’s romanticized connotations. Silver lining: I listened to “It Is What It Is” during a workout the other day, and that track is a qualified banger.

6. Saint Vitus - Saint Vitus

I think this is the only doom metal album to reach a bottom ten spot for me at any point this decade, and I’m not surprised that it’s Saint Vitus doing it. The band’s self-titled record was so derivative and wholly unoriginal, it was like listening to a cheap Sabbath cosplay. It was so long ago that I listened to it in full that I honestly don’t remember anything specific about the album, but I sure remember how I felt while listening to it every time.

5. Steel Panther - Heavy Metal Rules

Probably the biggest letdown on this list, I actually really enjoyed the band’s 2017 effort, Lower the Bar; I felt like they had got a better handle on their comedic parody of 80′s glam metal than any of the three albums before it, despite it not getting as much attention as their debut, for instance. This one, however, captured the cringe and cheese of the 80′s just fine, but with the jokes falling flat or way too repetitive, it just sounded like a less subtly raunchy version of an actual hair metal album. It’s another album that’s just supposed to be fun, but wasn’t nearly the experience it set out to be, the difference being that this one’s failure seems to have come more from a bout of writer’s block than anything else, which is understandable, five albums in, to a project that specifically makes fun of one dead subgenre of metal.

4. Arch Enemy - Covered in Blood

This has to be one of the shittiest covers albums I’ve ever heard, with Arch Enemy earning record points for monotony on this one. The whole thing sounds like the band just tossed a hefty album’s worth into an Arch Enemy processor that just stripped away all the songs’ character and replaced it with low-effort growls and robotic melodeath guitar playing. At its best, the band offers up passable by-the-books rehashes of songs up their melodeath alley; at its worst they butcher songs they have no business putting so little effort into covering. And it’s fucking 70 minutes long! So they get points for the agonizing length too, as well as incompetence points (I’ve yet to hear a death-growled cover of an Iron Maiden song go well), and, yeah, laziness points too. So many of these were recorded already years ago as bonus tracks to past albums, yet the band couldn’t spare the effort to make the new recordings like a little bit exciting.

3. Papa Roach - Who Do You Trust?

I’m not even mad about this one; I knew it was gonna suck, my curiosity just got the best of me and I was treated to some of the most laughably amateurish lyricism and poorly dated rap rock and alt metal instrumentation I’ve heard since the Prophets of Rage album two years ago. Jacoby Shaddix is doing features these days with hit or miss results, but what the hell is Papa Roach going to be this coming decade? More of this? I just don’t know whose socks this is supposed to knock off. Who’s getting hyped for more Papa Roach in the 2020′s? Probably me, just to see how poorly this band continues to try to keep up with the already sluggish pace of radio rock trends as the signature style they feel obligated to keep a tether to ages poorly.

2. Skillet - Victorious

Now this one I was kind of mad about, and I was expecting it to be pretty bad too. Skillet sold their soul to the whim of pop rock radio early last decade and haven’t been interesting to listen to for a long time now, to the point where it’s so obvious that raspy frontman John Cooper started his own side outlet for his more passionate urges while he lets the winds of pop rock and Christian rock playlist curation steer his main project for little more than a paycheck. The band’s reputable touring work ethic is such a stark contrast to their transparent artistic laziness and spinelessness. Again, despite the formulaic broad-reaching rock radio fodder, embarrassingly cheesy ballads, the token heavy tune at the end for the long-time fans, and even the obviously contrived Imagine Dragons mimicry being totally predicted, it was still so frustrating how blatantly soulless and capital-motivated this thing was to hear.

1. Mark Morton - Anesthetic

I didn’t really have any expectations for this album, but my god was it the year’s quietest disaster of a collaboration project. I didn’t hear anyone else talking about this thing after it came out nearly as much as I did leading up to it, and thank god. The album is supposedly a solo project from the Lamb of God axeman, a distilled showcase of his creative voice, but the whole thing feels like it was in the hands of label execs the whole time and he was just the guy who recorded guitar tracks to all these songs. For some reason, a lot of these “star-studded”, compilation-album-feeling projects in the metal world don’t seem to come out so well, maybe because no one involved is bringing their A-game to a feature in a compilation album, and that is exactly what Anesthetic suffers from, and it suffers fucking hard, not just from the utter lack of cohesion and poor flow from track to track, but from the phoned-in performances of the guests on the variety of generic, underwritten, surface-level songs. Like, again, this is a project under Mark Morton’s name, one that’s supposed to be guided primarily by his artistic vision; you’re telling me, Spinefarm Records, that the Lamb of God guitarist’s vision of a solo album is various flavors of neutered rock/metal radio bait? And he was satisfied with everyone’s contributions to this thing? The whole thing feels like he was just along for the ride and the project was never even in his hands, like Spinefarm had the idea/opportunity to do a various artists comp. album but thought putting under Morton’s name would be more marketable or something. Maybe that hypothesis is totally off, but regardless, this album is a colossal failure on the performance and writing fronts, the worst thing I voluntarily heard in 2019.

My 20 Favorite Songs of 2019:

Okay! With the trash taken to the curb, I feel like it might be time to address before getting into my favorite songs that they might not resemble my favorite albums quite as much as previous years, one, because this is very abbreviated, and, two, because some songs really lend themselves to enjoyment outside the context of their album more than other songs. One band here lands three entries and probably would have landed a whole lot more on a slightly longer list simply because of how great of music their album this year was for me to work out to. But I tried to diversify this list a bit so that it wasn’t just my favorite additions to my workout playlist. The top albums, I promise, are a far better representation of the year in metal for me. But anyway...

20. Periphery - “Blood Eagle”

Periphery have pretty much crystallized their brand of djent now and spent much of this year’s album doing a little adventurousness with it, but the first single, “Blood Eagle”, was one of the more traditional, crushing, explosion tracks from the album, harnessing hardcore groove, punishing accents, tasty guitar tones, and emphatic vocals of both the coarse and soaring variety. The song isn’t anything new for Periphery, but it’s a tremendous example of how potent they are at their heaviest and how easy it is for them to disprove their detractors who lampoon them for Spencer’s clean singing.

19. Panopticon - “The Crescendo of Dusk”

Despite being a one-off piece kind of off the beaten path for Panopticon for a two-track EP recorded during the previous double-albums’ sessions, this song is a fantastic example of bold, cathartic blackgaze whose soulful choral climax is built up to and pays off phenomenally, and that’s not the side of atmospheric black metal Panopticon usually wanders too. It’s a gorgeous piece that is worth it for every moment of its 12-minute runtime.

18. Car Bomb - “Scattered Sprites”

Switching quickly to a much shorter and more jolting song, it was hard to pick a prime highlight on Car Bomb’s new album, but ultimately I found myself loving the tasty, effects-laden, Meshuggah-esque 8-string mathcore groove of “Scattered Sprites” and the rest of the song’s fascinating tonal jumps from Deftones-ish atmosphere to crushing distorted madness. It certainly represents very well the constantly transforming beast that the band’s fourth album was.

17. Spirit Adrift - “Angel & Abyss”

On yet another album full of songs that would have packed a longer list, Spirit Adrift’s standout moment on Divided by Darkness was, for me, the melodically soulful trad-doom power ballad of sorts, “Angel & Abyss”. The melodic guitar leads being the obvious driver of the song’s feels, the clean and rhythm backing and the seething vocal delivery are perhaps the underappreciated foundation for the extra emotive NWOBHM-influenced guitar leads to shine through.

16. Inter Arma - “The Atavist's Meridian”

Definitely the standout track from Sulphur English, “The Atavist’s Meridian” is a menacing mammoth of a song, twelve-and-a-half minutes of brooding, towering sludge and haunting echoed throat-gurgling growls. Even when the wall of sound gets less jagged, the lour does not let up as the band maintain their fearsome, ominous presence in the song’s more atmospheric middle section and burst back so satisfyingly to round it out. There are bands out there that stick to this form of sludgy, death-y doom metal much more exclusively and religiously than Inter Arma who wouldn’t be able to top this.

15. Opeth - “Charlatan” My favorite cut from Opeth’s most ambitious album this decade, the band actually sound energized and adventurous on this song rather than just playing 70’s prog dress-up. The Meshuggah-esque bass groove on here is of course right up my alley, but the whole song is full of actual progressive dynamic that keeps you fixated on it and it’s intriguing emotive journey.

14. Sermon - “The Preacher”

Being the second-to-last song on the album, “The Preacher” kind of goes hand-in-hand with “The Rise of the Desiderata” as part of the album’s climactic ending, and it’s as meticulous and calculated as every track on the album with its small, this song being a standout for its particular dynamic between is louder and softer sections, making it such a thriller of a track that serves its role as part of the album’s climax beautifully.

13. Misery Index - “New Salem”

I’ve loved Rituals of Power all year and there have been several standout tracks for me, but “New Salem”, with its gruff refrain and relentless powerviolence aggression, has been my favorite from the album this year, one of them top workout playlist tracks for me this past year. It’s a pretty straightforward, fast, brutal track, but god is it effective.

12. Korn - “You’ll Never Find Me”

From the irksome guitar wails from Munky and the thick and tasty seven-string accents from Head, to Jonathan Davis’ volatile vocal delivery, “You’ll Never Find Me”, is one of the (several) prime examples of Korn’s committed return to their old-school sound on this album that really fucking stuck the landing and impressed. That build-up to that fucking intense headbanging crash at the bridge is exactly what made me such a fan of Korn’s early work in the first place, and this song is one of, again, several that shows why more than twenty years down the road while all their imitators have come and gone, Korn have been the dedicated champions of nu metal.

11. Cattle Decapitation - “Time’s Cruel Curtain”

It was honestly hard picking a favorite from Death Atlas, but I felt like this song captured the album’s lyrics’ overall dread and gloom in the musical sense pretty well through the dissonant clean guitars and Travis Ryan’s melodic snarling, which is particularly gut-wrenching on the chorus. And it’s as fierce, fast, and disgustingly brutal as we’ve come to expect of Cattle Decapitation now.

10. Motionless in White - “Thoughts & Prayers”

One of the many vibrant, tasty alternative metalcore bangers from the band’s fifth LP that dominated my workout playlist this year, “Thoughts and Prayers” is undoubtedly the most blasphemously in-your-face, Slipknot-influenced cut that highlights the highs of metalcore heaviness the band have no trouble reaching. The defiant attitude of the melodic chorus’ refusing of prayers for help, and really the whole song’s self-sufficient denial of religion over some of the band’s most potent metalcore to date, got me past a lot of physical thresholds this year.

9. Babymetal - “Arkadia”

Babymetal on their first two albums for me have been a project trying to iron out their vision of J-pop metal fusion in real time with the first and second albums’ primordial experiments producing the odd hit among many more misses, but this year’s Metal Galaxy was far more consistent, less stylistically clumsy, and packed full of hits. And if this list was longer, there wold be several bops and bangers from that record here. And while circumstance had just one song in my top 20 this year, what a tremendous entry it is. The album’s closing track, “Arkadia” starts out like a basic-ass Dragonforce cut, but the triumphant melodies quickly lead into higher and higher echelons of catharsis with the guitar vocalist Su-metal delivering the most powerfully soaring performance of the band’s career. It’s like a Dragonforce song that blows most (if not all) Dragonforce songs out of the water through its sheer unashamed passion. And while I know there are many in that camp who stiff-arm Babymetal and would wretch and rage-quit upon simply hearing Su-metal’s voice come in, I imagine they would have a hard time denying this song’s power if tricked into listening to a guy’s vocal cover over the instrumental.

8. Rammstein - “Puppe”

While Cattle Decapitation’s “With All Disrespect” is certainly a gut-punchingly grim outlook on humanity’s self-destruction, this standout cut from the German industrial metal juggernauts’ self-titled album is undoubtedly the most chilling cut on this list, and quite possibly Rammstein’s entire catalog. Till Lindemann’s poetic narration of the song’s dark story is expertly timed and laid out, but his gripping, manic, wholly unsettling vocal performance, coupled with the rest of the band’s brilliantly scored instrumental tracking, is what paralyzes you in terrified awe of the song.

7. Motionless in White - “Disguise”

Another alt-metal banger that dominated my workouts this year, the opening title track to the band’s fifth album isn’t really doing anything all that revolutionary or stylistically original, yet it’s somehow distinctly Motionless in White and it succeeds and makes it here simply because its execution of such a straightforward, yet often fucked-up style is so on-point.

6. Sermon - “The Rise of the Desiderata”

The grand finish to one of the subtlest, yet most magnificent progressive metal albums of the decade (spoiler I guess), “The Rise of the Desiderata”, even outside the context of the album building up to it, is a tremendous work of patient, well-measured progressive metal that exemplifies so magnificently what that band did with such a small musical arsenal on Birth of the Marvelous. The slow, brooding build-up to the absolutely orgasmic finish is hardly a mere waiting game, with not a dull second of the song, and the thematic climax of “rise! rise!” chants the song finishes on is, for me, the kind of representative of rewarding and immersive journey prog metal is all about!

5. Motionless in White - “Holding on to Smoke”

This one was the sleeper hit (in my eyes) for the band this year; in the album’s marginally weaker second half after the slew of bangers that occupied the first, “Holding on to Smoke” is the perseverant anthem among anthems that almost single-handedly lifts that second half. But outside the context of the album, “Holding on to Smoke” is not excessively heavy like “Thoughts & Prayers”, not even as catchy as the bouncy “<c/ode>”, and not even as sick in the breakdown department as “Disguise”, but it more than makes up for it in sheer performative passion and the compositional consistency that characterizes the whole album and strings the determination teeming throughout the song together into a hugely triumphant banger of a track.

4. Periphery - “Satellites”

Periphery really outdid themselves on the grand, ethereally cathartic closing track to their fourth (and best) self-titled album. Unlike the directly aggressive “Blood Eagle”, “Satellites” is a much longer, more multi-staged, moodier piece that gradually builds up from bright, somber reverb-driven ambiance into several tremendously heartfelt and instrumentally full-bodied crescendos, with the band timing their bursts of heavy energy perfectly. Spencer wildly outdoes himself in particular with his gloriously high-flying vocal performance during the song’s cathartic climax. It’s such a great ending to a great album, and such a great picture of Periphery’s constant perfecting of their sound.

3. As I Lay Dying - “My Own Grave”

It was released in 2018, but I included it here instead of that year’s list because I had the hunch at the time that it would be part of an As I Lay Dying album, and it was. But the first song the band released after their unlikely reunion was always going to be a contentious one given the situation with Tim Lambesis, and being that the song was released at a time when Tim would have still have almost two years in prison to go if he had done his full original sentence of six years, the importance of the band’s first release since that whole terrible situation transpired is hard to overstate. Everyone else in the band had to justify linking back up with a convicted felon and reentering the fold of music again, and “My Own Grave” is exactly the statement they needed to make. During his trial and after his early release, Tim had kept pretty quiet, but from the one somber video exposition he gave before entering prison, it was pretty clear he knew and finally accepted how badly he fucked up, and that awareness of his own terrible failure, succumbing to evil, and his understanding that he still has a lot to do to make things right is what makes this song so vitally confessional and the determination expressed so powerful. And this all comes through not just in the lyrics, but in the passionate performances from everyone on the song as well. It’s an emphatic triumph in classic metalcore fashion through (higher, more real-life stakes than usual for the genre) the worst of one’s own faults.

2. Demon Hunter - “Peace”

This one is kind of the enigma of this list, a more subtle, hard rock track than the rest of the heavy, boisterous bangers here, but what an excellent song it is from the mellower of the sister albums the band released in 2019. Ryan Clark’s smooth, baritone subtlety serves as a veneer of calmness in the face of collapse as he sings a tearful welcoming of the peace from the pain of a sin-ridden world that finally comes with death. There’s almost a suicidal angle to the song, but it might be more representative of one’s readiness to be taken into a divinely peaceful afterlife after a lifetime of struggle, which is pretty insightful from Ryan Clark and captures that feeling in a tangible way even for people with (ideally) many years ahead of them like me, I must say. Either way, it’s a much more sober pondering on one’s own mortality and the temporariness of everything around us than its upbeat rock tempo initially lets on, the kind of meditation that gives people hope and faith in a heavenly afterlife.

1. Rammstein - “Deutschland”

Simultaneously subtle and directly expressive, Rammstein’s lead single from their self-titled 2019 album may not have been as musically outrageous as its grand, ambitious video was, but the song itself sure stands on its own just fine as a tense, conflicted song of pleading heartbreak to a nation and its history, and who better in metal to write a threnody for a Germany caught in the middle of the rest of Europe’s refugee crisis and its own version of many nations’ recent fights against a resurgence of right-wing extremism than Till Lindemann. The tone of the song is so mournful and heartbroken, as though it’s a song about leaving a lover you still want to love, yet stern and firm in its principle.

5 Outside Albums of 2019:

I’ve made a point the past two years to highlight the music I enjoyed outside the metal sphere, usually keeping it to a few mini-reviews of five “outside” albums, and this year it was certainly hard to narrow down the immense amount of quality hip hop, indie rock, experimental rock, especially jazz (Jesus, there was so much good jazz this year), and even some respectable pop music I heard this year. The paragraphs are going to be shorter this time around, but I still wanted to show my appreciation for these albums.

Purple Mountains - Purple Mountains

Formed by David Berman, the former frontman of Silver Jews (who helped pioneer the flavor of indie rock/alt country in the 90′s and early 2000′s that got me more into indie music) ten years after the termination of Silver Jews, his short-lived return from retirement from music through Purple Mountains’ sole eponymous album only became more tragic after Berman committed suicide less than a month after the record’s release. The subject matter was as confessional and depressive as anything from Silver Jews, my favorite song from the record immediately after its release, “Nights That Won’t Happen” (a song very clearly indicating Berman grappling with the guilt of his suicidal mindset), being an even more bleak song in the posthumous context. Upon learning that Berman had come back to music, formed this project, and made this record full of emotionally retching expositions of his mental state in an effort to pay down a crippling mass of debt (which I’m sure had a significant impact on his decision to end his own life), it makes the album all the more devastating and my feeling toward it much more complicated. Much like David Bowie’s Blackstar, Purple Mountains takes on a different light in the aftermath of its creator’s death so soon after its release, the songs on Purple Mountains pretty much as prophetic as those on Blackstar, though Berman’s foreseeing of having to take his death into his own hands as opposed to Bowie’s waiting for the inevitability of the progression of his cancer gives this album a much less celebratory, commemorative feeling than that of Blackstar, though listening back through it now with 20/20 hindsight really puts the similar element of inevitability into perspective too, and it makes it hard to really enjoy this album in a sense similar to how I enjoy most of my metal and most other music. Knowing that this album was secondarily a last ditch effort by Berman to lessen the burden of the tremendous anxiety caused by his poor financial state, and primarily a means of talking himself through his decision to end his life in the likely event that the album and its touring cycle didn’t make that burden bearable enough, it’s very hard to listen to and be thankful for this album that kind of indirectly killed its creator. The existential dread of crippling debt is no light weight, however, and the art Berman made and was proud of should not bear the brunt of the blame for what the procedures of a heartless and oppressive economic system at least catalyzed, if not caused. Purple Mountains is a hard album to listen to, but its tragic surroundings aside, it is a welcome return of one of indie music’s most brilliant and influential voices, even if just for a moment.

Denzel Curry - ZUU

On a much different note, Denzel Curry made a quick return to the studio after creatively upping his game yet again on his 2018 album, TA13OO. And while not as ambitiously conceptual or dense as TA13OO, ZUU was yet another banger-packed display of pure rapping prowess. It’s been stated that good form is just that, temporary, and a mere snapshot of an artist’s trajectory, and that it takes time and consistency to prove class. Well Curry is undoubtedly in very good form right now, and has been for the past five or six years and has been making the most of it, only getting better and better across his main projects and his consistently fire guest appearances. And sure it’s arguable that he’s just making the most of his hot streak by putting out as much as possible while he’s one fire, but it’s at the point where if this was a flash in the pan it would have been over by now, and Curry’s still going. The dude put out a megamix of spare verses already this year, and it’s killer! The man at this point, in my eyes, is class, and definitely one of hip hop’s most exceptional forces now that he’s finally getting his long-deserved acclaim. As far as ZUU goes, yeah it’s quick and more about tight bars and emphatic delivery than any grand concept, but to reduce assessment of this to as if it mere turn-up music would be improper, as Curry uses this album to jump at the opportunity given to him by the traction of TA13OO to elevate his hometown and pay tribute to his friends and family who have been with him throughout his journey, and shed light on the roughness of the reality of life for the people he cares about in Carol City, Florida. And he pays tribute to those who got him here with such passion and splendor that it’s tangible and invigorating even from far outside.

Angel Olsen - All Mirrors

I saw a fair amount of people (mostly outside her fanbase) complaining about Angel Olsen’s handling of her more instrumentally dense fourth LP, which I don’t get at all. Olsen had tread the ground of minimal indie folk thoroughly on her early work and she proved she could handle a bigger instrumental pallet on 2016′s My Woman, of which All Mirrors is a well-executed expansion on that bolsters Olsen’s emphatic sonic presence without suffocating her out of her own songs, which I never had any worries about with the raw vocal power she’s showcased convincingly before. And Olsen remains at her open, heartfelt best in terms of lyricism and songwriting on the album, no drop-off in emotional potency or sonic beauty, so I’m a little confused with some of the griping over this album. I love it and highly recommend it.

Christian Scott aTunde Adjuah - Ancestral Recall

It was hard to pick a from the several great jazz records this past year (so much great afro-percussion-driven stuff coming from the UK lately that has been scratching my itch like crazy), The Comet Is Coming had an LP and a similarly impressive follow-up EP both in 2019 that made thrilling use of electronics amid the energetic jazz madness and Matana Roberts had put out an intriguing spoken-word concept album tied together with some of the most eccentric avant-garde jazz instrumentation I heard all year. But I ultimately went with the dynamic and delicious Ancestral Recall from Christian Scott, whose impressively holistic weaving together of traditional jazz elements with hip hop and modern jazz atmosphere, despite not being as quite up my violent jazz alley as other records this year, I could not deny the magnificence and accomplishments of. The electronics are kept to a minimum and used only to highlight the work of the piano, horns, and percussion typically associated with the genre, but none of it feels at all unnatural or clashing, rather a cooperative interplay between old and new that elevates both and shows what they can achieve in harmony. And yes, there are plenty of boisterous trumpet performances from the main man to quench that thirst. But it’s an album about respect for the foundational work of the genres incorporated and expanding on it rather than demolishing and rebuilding it.

clipping. - There Existed an Addiction to Blood

My favorite non-metal album of the year, clipping. really took the campy genre of horrorcore to far more cinematic and tangible realms through their signature noisy/industrial approach. And There Existed and Addiction to Blood is a project where after hearing it, it left me with a sense of “well, duh”. Of course clipping. would absolutely nail an actually immersive and not totally laughable horrorcore album. The members’ experiences in cinema serve as a tremendous asset to this album as William Hutson and Jonathan Snipes produce an industrially enhanced horror score to soundtrack Daveed Diggs’ gripping rapped storytelling, which takes so many of the genres tropes and breathes fresh air into them to make them far more vital and consequential in this day and age. And the songs (many of which are serious bangers) are immersive, cinematic, and intense in a way that I could see a lot of metalheads enjoying. I could seriously go on about the chilling bursts of distortion on the twisted club turn-up track, “Club Down”, or the cold swagger of Diggs’ delivery on the industrially tense “All in Your Head”, or the suspense of the more instrumentally traditional house-hideout cut “Nothing Is Safe”, but I would be going on for paragraphs, and I said one. If there’s one album for people reading this section to check out, it’s this one.

My 30 Favorite Metal Albums of 2019:

Yeah, 30 is keeping it really short here; I feel like I could have included a couple dozen other very praiseworthy metal albums here, but this post is massive enough and I don’t have time for that. As far as patterns or trends go, metal’s respective subgenres largely continued to mind their own business as the divergent evolution that the genre has been undergoing since the passing of its peak of mainstream limelight has progressed. The metallic hardcore revival is still going strong with a lot of bands outside that scene taking notice and influence from these vibrant younger bands (Code Orange being the obvious prominent example) and their ancestors. I heard a lot more hardcore-influenced breakdowns and noisy industrial-ish guitar work this year than usual, and even though it graced that shitty aforementioned Bad Wolves album, the metallic hardcore song was a highlight and most of the hardcore influence I’ve heard outside that scene has been implemented well. The year also saw a lot of big, storied names in metal releasing high-profile projects and really coming through and exceeding most realistic expectations (with one quite notable exception), so a good portion of this top 30 is going to contain your basic bitch, Loudwire-type picks, but, you know, those acts delivered and earned their way here in my eyes. This whole thing has gotten pretty out of hand, and what was planned as a quick year’s recap is now a gargantuan mega-post, so I’m going to TRY to make these quick.

30. Full of Hell - Weeping Choir

It’s hard to complain about a pretty continuous sequel to one of the most addictive deathgrind albums in years (Trumpeting Ecstasy); I’m sure not griping about it. Weeping Choir may not have as high of peaks as its predecessor, but it’s a similarly compact, dizzying, and forward-thinking release that definitely earned similar respect.

29. King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard - Infest the Rats’ Nest

Thank god King Gizz released this, otherwise there wouldn’t be a bonafide thrash album in this top 30. Despite not really being a “thrash band” or even a “metal band”, King Gizzard’s adventurousness and versatility makes their adaptability to this style come as no real surprise. In fact the naturalness with which the band play shows that they have clearly always had a true reverence for the genre and have wanted to make this album for a long time. The album is as fuzzy as King Gizz usually is, taking on a very old-school vibe in tribute to the genre’s progenitors without being mere nostalgia. I doubt they’ll do it, but I can dream of more of this from the Gizz.

28. Knocked Loose - A Different Shade of Blue

Knocked Loose have quickly established themselves as one of the strongest forces in metallic hardcore these days, with each album improving significantly off the last, and A Different Shade of Blue being the latest in a string of stronger and stronger releases from them, embodying pure hardcore aggression with precision accuracy and efficiency.

27. Lord Mantis - Universal Death Church

Looking back through this band’s catalog (I hadn’t heard of them before this album), they’ve always taken a very sinister and esoteric approach to experimental black metal that makes them and Profound Lore a match made in heaven as a prime representation of the boundary-pushing ethos the label does well to curate, and Universal Death Church is a fine example of the band’s signature incredible capacity to make black metal nastier and more nightmarish than it already is.

26. Infant Annihilator - The Battle of Yaldabaoth

The Battle of Yaldabaoth is such a ridiculous album and such a treat for it, the unreal, gratuitous techdeath wankery so obscene, it’s impossible to take too seriously and not love for its absurdity. It’s a fun album and one that fast-forwards much of the increasingly fast and techy death metal straight to its next musical checkpoint.

25. Venom Prison - Samsara

A far more holistic death metal album than Infant Annihilator’s, Samsara is just teeming with performative power and calculated technicality. I had said at first that it wasn’t really much of a step up from Animus, but as I’ve listened to it more throughout the year, the band’s subtle maturation really began to show and the album grew on me more and more, so it’s definitely one of the year’s best death metal records.

24. Misery Index - Rituals of Power

Even more emphatic than Samsara was Misery Index’s reaching the pinnacle of their form of powerviolence on their best album to date, Rituals of Power, which suffers no loss of intensity in its incorporation of infectious (though still hardly melodic) hooks, and it puts them at the top of their league.

23. Demon Hunter - War

I had originally cited the more measured, hard-rock-driven partner album, Peace, as the better of the two records Demon Hunter had released this year, but over time, so many of the tracks on the intentionally heavier War that I thought might wane on me stayed strong and some of its other tracks grew on me. The album and its counterpart were such a refreshing pair of releases for the band that I hope revitalizes them going forward.

22. Opeth - In Cauda Venenum

And we’ve got the most basic pick of the list so far here, post-Watershed Opeth. That term has annoyed, frustrated, and infuriated so many within the band’s fanbase who have, at this point, given up (either out of acceptance or intolerance) on hopes of the band’s death metal sound ever returning to the progressive music they make, and I myself have found the band’s lack of ambition beyond simply eschewing growls and metallic elements on the band’s past three albums to be a bit underwhelming with the clear 70′s-prog LARPing finding them punching pretty below their weight. Wow, that was an annoyingly long sentence too. But Opeth finally came through with an album that did more than just imitate the likes of their prog idols like King Crimson, Styx, Yes, and Pink Floyd. In Cauda Venenum is a theatrically big album that puts the band in the kind of creative context in which they’ve proven to succeed in and established themselves in their career in it as the death metal pillar of the prog palace, and the band came through with a rewarding progressive rock album without needing to bring their death metal elements out of retirement.

21. Deadspace - Dirge

Dirge was not the album I expected from Deadspace, but it shifted them from their more somber atmospheric style of black metal into something so much more suffocatingly dark and sinister that they went on to produce another full-length album and an EP in the style of before the year’s end, and I have been loving the Australian band’s more menacing side since the transformation. The band’s first album in this newly terrifying style for them is a masterpiece of vile, demonic black metal that still features what has made Deadspace a worthwhile figure to follow in the worldwide atmospheric black metal scene, and I imagine there is plenty more to come from the tenacious Australian group and have been so proudly supportive of, which I am eagerly looking forward to.

20. Uboa - The Origin of My Depression

This is the first not-completely-bonafide-metal-album entry on this list, but it is a worthwhile and impressive one that I think a lot of fans of the kinds of experimental and black metal that incorporate dark ambiance, industrial elements, and harsh noise could get into. But it is an album as intensely depressive as its title suggests, a meditation on the turmoils associated with its creator’s gender dysphoria and the efforts to cope with and mitigate it that comes through in all shades of pain, from melancholic-ambiance-backed stone-faced recitations of doubt about self-worth to seething, agonized screams of torment for release from the hell of the creator’s condition over abrasive industrial noise. It is not by any means easy listening, and its lyrics demand a lot of emotional energy. Be advised. But also it’s really painfully cathartic and expresses an important and often quieted perspective for those not affected by gender dysphoria to hear.

19. Blood Incantation - Hidden History of the Human Race

I do like this album a lot, I really do, but it has to be the most overrated album on this whole list. So many people wetted their britches over this damn album and jumped to call it a perfect masterpiece of death metal. It’s a very very good death metal album, but it’s not beyond improvement. And, again, it’s good and I don’t want to be tempering the jubilee over this thing in this list where I’m supposed to be highlighting my appreciation for it, but it makes me wonder if this is how people who aren’t that into Meshuggah see the band’s adoring fans (like me). But Hidden History of the Human Race, mind-blown ancient aliens sci-fi concept aside, is a great continuation of the semi-psychedelic modern twist on early death metal that started on Starspawn, and the band’s progressive compositional abilities certainly do deserve a lot of praise, and I do hope that they continue building on this.

18. Inter Arma - Sulphur English

Another band making continual improvements on their sonic foundation, Inter Arma have never let their labels of death or sludge or doom or post-metal box them in or make them feel forced to pick one and stick with it, and Sulphur English is a fantastic example of how wide the band’s capabilities span, with elements of all the aforementioned subgenres mashed together in so many different configurations together and on their own, and it makes for such an overpowering record whose wall of sound really takes a lot of spins to withstand the continuous impact of.

17. Fit for an Autopsy - The Sea of Tragic Beasts

Okay, I’m gonna have to really start being shorter now, because now we’re getting into the top of the list, the cream of the crop of the cream of the crop. And I’ll be here until 2021 if I don’t slow down. Anyway, Fit for an Autopsy reinforced their melodic supplementation to their brand of deathcore on The Sea of Tragic Beasts, and clearly put the work into making sure it meshed well with their style. And the work paid off. While a lot of deathcore these days is kind of departing from that original “core” core that the genre’s early contributors established for more straight-up death metal and other progressive or techy styles (basically just retaining the affinity for breakdowns), albums like this are a fine example of how beneficial this evolution is for the genre.

16. Rammstein - Rammstein

It’s hard to be brief with an album ten years in the making, featuring the best song of the year, but I’ll try. Rammstein’s long-awaited follow-up to Liebe ist für alle da does very much pick up where the band left off in 2009, feeling like a natural successor rather than some contrived nostalgia trip to Sehnsucht or Mutter to appease fans for their patience. And for as much as I unpacked every song in detail in my review, the album as a whole is hard to sum up beyond simply a solid offering of Rammstein tracks, several of which have grown on me since my write-up, like the ballads “Diamant” and “Was ich Liebe”, and especially the whimsical “Ausländer”. Lindemann’s lyricism remains a strong point for the band, and the tight compositions another positive on the album. I just hope it’s not so long until the next one.

15. Slipknot - We Are Not Your Kind

Like I had said in my review, every new Slipknot album is one of the biggest events of the year for metal, if not the biggest, and aside from Tool’s underwhelming return to the studio with Fear Inoculum, We Are Not Your Kind was definitely the year’s biggest release. As has become kind of the norm for them now, Slipknot’s sixth album was steeped in its own turmoil, this time being the confusingly ugly departure of Chris Fehn. Nevertheless, the rest of the band pulled through with a solid album that did quite well to highlight the band’s various strengths and a good balance of classic Slipknot aggression with forward-thinking experimentation with their sound. Yet another big name delivering the goods this year.

14. Korn - The Nothing

And speaking of success from storied bands, Slipknot’s supposed nu metal rivals also really came through this year with one of their best albums in a long long time, and this is coming from someone who has been a fan of Korn’s later era, their untitled album, See You on the Other Side, etc., but the band’s increasingly more committed return to their old-school sound this decade, after the flop of The Path of Totality, has culminated magnificently on The Nothing, which essentially sounds like a modern-produced Untouchables or Issues. The songwriting is consistently well-measured and Jonathan Davis’ chilling performances in the wake of the loss of his wife especially give the album such a real sense of turmoil that heightens the intensity of everything around them. As therapeutic as music is in times of great pain and loss, and as great as this album is, I hope Jonathan’s grief wasn’t exploited or exacerbated for this art, and I hope he is doing okay.

13. Baroness - Gold & Grey

This album got a lot of flack for its indeed frustrating production, with a lot of critics not being able to get past the blown-out, fuzzy, lo-fi crackle that blurred a lot of the songs’ finer details away. And I agree that the band certainly could have put their sonic strengths in a better light with clearer production and probably should going forward. Nevertheless, underneath the hazy veneer of grainy mixing, Gold & Grey boasts great songwriting in the styles of Purple and Yellow & Green, as well as treading newly segue-heavy ground for them. And after a few listens getting used to (or getting over) the album’s production, the sharp-as-ever songwriting and booming-as-ever vocal performances from John Dyer Baizley really come through and are worth appreciating.

12. Pensées Nocturnes - Grand Guignol Orchestra

Arguably the weirdest album to come out of 2019, yet so much more than a novelty project, Grand Guignol Orchestra takes the creepiness of the often-mishandled dark carnival aesthetic and applies it to the band’s twisted brand of avant-garde black metal to make something truly weird and unsettling, yet fixating. The psychotic clown-like screams and wails across the album reinforce this aesthetic to the point of perhaps creating a new subgenre of metal: carnival metal perhaps.

11. Waste of Space Orchestra - Syntheosis

The work of two whole bands (Oranssi Pazuzu and Dark Buddha Rising) joining forces in their entirety, Syntheosis is a surprisingly cohesive and immersive project, as synth-driven as its name suggests and cinematic in its massive sound. It’s a weirdly atmospheric form of experimental, psychedelic black metal that is both serene and crushing; the artists involved clearly had this ambitious project in mind and they worked meticulously to make sure their vision was realized.

10. Spirit Adrift - Divided by Darkness

Again, really trying to keep it short here, but what an album from Spirit Adrift. Divided by Darkness is the album that sounds most like and reminds me most of the most recent perfect album I heard (2018′s Desolation by Khemmis), and the emotional potency bubbling up to the brim of this album’s doomy melodies and soaring vocals is similarly enriching, while not as ridiculously perfect as Khemmis’ latest release, Divided by Darkness takes Spirit Adrift to new heights and makes them one of modern doom-influenced melodic metal’s most promising figures.

9. Nile - Vile Nilotic Rites

The departure of longtime guitarist/vocalist Dallas Toler-Wade was arguably a blessing in disguise for Nile, with their ninth album, Vile Nilotic Rites, being a roaring comeback from the relative lull of their previous two albums, much of which is due to the reinvigorating performances of new guitarist/vocalist Brian Kingsland, whose more traditionally roaring growls breathe new life into and provide a fitting new angle to the band’s Egyptian-themed brand of extremely fast, technical old-school death metal. It’s great to have them back in such emboldened form.

8. Lingua Ignota - Caligula

This is the album that just got me. Very much in a similar, yet more neoclassically-inspired vein of industrial darkwave as Uboa’s album, Kristen Hayter herself has said that Caligula is also not a metal album, and she’s right, but holy shit does it hit harder than a lot of metal tries so hard to hit. I had been trying for months to write a review for this album, but it never came, partly because the subject matter from which the album is pulled is tender and not easy at all. But it’s incredibly important to talk about, and I want to give Caligula some of the written attention it deserves from me. Sure if I just put the album on for unassuming listeners, they probably wouldn’t immediately pick up on the manically shrieked and operatically wailed languishing and biblically proportioned defiance being curses of the project’s creator toward her sexual abuser, but the resilience she puts forth into these proclamations of insubmissive survival is certainly tangible even without knowledge of the heartbreaking history that birthed it. And while it makes tremendous compositional strides from All Bitches Die and Let the Evil of His Lips Cover Him, Caligula, like the two albums before it, is such an enigmatic album that feels wrong to consume in the conventional sense or without anything other than pure undivided attention and empathy for what Hayter is so courageously pouring out of her mind and body for the music. It feels wrong to just put music on as a background for room-cleaning or even working out that comprises real, unbridled emotion about its creator’s rape. Yet I know that everything about Caligula and Lingua Ignota has been about surviving that and overcoming that suffering, so it certainly deserves to be listened to and respected; I would posit, though, that if you’re going to enjoy the sounds borne from Kristen Hayter’s subjection to sexual abuse, its candid portrayal of its aftermath should at least serve as further deterrent from committing such abuse to another person, if not convicting you to stop doing so if you are or actively seeking to prevent it where you know you can.

7. Periphery - Periphery IV: HAIL STAN

Periphery have been a band who I have gradually come to realize I quite respect and rate very highly. Their Juggernaut double-album in 2015 was the major catalyst in this and has become one of my favorite albums in djent (if not my favorite if you don’t count Meshuggah’s music as djent). And while I wasnt as into their 2016 album, Periphery III: Select Difficulty, I have definitely seen this band’s continuous improvement and strong upward trend that their fourth self-titled record has continued. The band went for more than just thick, tasty djent on this album, though the thick tasty djent that is here (like “Chvrch Bvrner” and the aforementioned “Blood Eagle”) is some of their thickest and tastiest. But the band expanded their sound to more ethereal corners that produced impressively cathartic results (such as the aforementioned “Satellites”, and the swaggering “Crush”, and the bright “Garden in the Bones”). Major respect to this band that keeps getting better and making it harder on their stubborn detractors.

6. As I Lay Dying - Shaped by Fire

To say this album was controversial would be an understatement, and to point out that it was important that As I Lay Dying  come through in several big ways would be as well. Yet for every bit of vocal disapproval and expression of how irredeemable Tim Lambesis was there seemed equal rejoicing about the metalcore legends’ return. It was important, though, that the band come through with and album the showed their understanding of the heaviness of the context and didn’t come across as trying to bypass it or sweep things under the rug, and they did a tremendous job of rising to the occasion. The band continued where they left off before their disbandment as the strongest force in metalcore, sounding even more impassioned and vital upon their return, clearly enriched by the real-life consequentiality of their music. And while it certainly looks even more impressive given the withering state of NWOAHM metalcore in 2019, let that not detract from the incredible power of the genre’s juggernauts’ return to and improvement upon their best form of themselves before their disbandment.

5. Motionless in White - Disguise

When this album came out I honestly didn’t have a lot of hope invested in it. I had hoped that the band would expand on the best tracks from their previous album, Graveyard Shift, the alternative metal bangers, and focus on what worked well for those songs, and to my surprise that’s actually what the band did on Disguise. I had initially said that the high points on Disguise were not as high as the peaks on Graveyard Shift but after listening to Disguise so much this year, it’s shown itself to me to be such a ln impressive improvement on the direction that Motionless in White we’re heading in, and to put it any lower on this list for the sheer fact that it’s not a particularly critic-friendly album would be dishonest. But after getting more into their catalogue I think that this band are one of the best in their field, and sure, they’re very much an amalgamation of their influences, but goddamn do they channel those influences so effectively into so many flavors of delicious, nu metal, gothy, metalcore bangers. And it’s totally accessible too, I wish more of the bands who are trying to achieve more mainstream success would take the approach Motionless in White are taking, because this shit is actually really fucking enjoyable and full of soul.

4. Numenorean - Adore

Making strides from their debut full-length, Numenorean’s sophomore album is a great example of atmospheric blackgaze at its best without resorting to cheap Deafheaven imitation. Numenorean have found their own way to harness the power of blackgaze into emotionally vibrant compositions that come through triumphantly. I just hope the band can keep this up and expand on what they did here.

3. Car Bomb - Mordial

I had this as the number one album for a hot minute, and even teased about it maybe being a perfect release in my eyes as well, and even though it’s neither of those things, Car Bomb’s deeper foray into melodic and slightly atmospheric territory with their Meshuggah-esque brand of technical mathcore produced some seriously impressive results that I can’t wait to hear more of in the coming years.

2. Sermon - Birth of the Marvelous

I already said so much about this debut album, and it was so close to clinching that top spot, but Sermon deserve to be basking in so much more acclaim than I have seen for them, as this album is a nearly perfect prog metal example of how to do a lot with relatively little. I had expressed my disappointment in Soen’s and Tool’s albums this year, but I think this album really fits nicely into that cleaner section of progressive metal and knocks it out of the park. I know I’m repeating myself a lot from my review, but every little detail and accent is expertly calculated to make as positive of an impact as possible on the album, every note is arranged with both microscopic precision and with the grander scheme in mind, and I cannot get over how mind-blowingly well done this album is with so few bells and whistles or shortcuts. This is THE new band to keep an eye on.

1. Cattle Decapitation - Death Atlas

I don’t know if I like giving the top spot to such a grim, hopeless album, but fuck have Cattle Decapitation earned it, and I can’t blame them for their pessimism either. After aptly applying the disgustingness of goregrind to commentary on human mistreatment of animals and the ugly underbelly of the food industry, Cattle Decapitation turned their sound and their scope to even grander proportions, expanding the boundaries of deathgrind and the possibilities of dirty vocal technique to criticize humankind’s fucking up of the entire planet and foretelling the catastrophe that science has long foreseen. Despite their already bleak outlook on Monolith of Inhumanity and The Anthropocene Extinction, Cattle Decapitation somehow sound even more hopeless in Death Atlas, and Travis Ryan’s greater expansion of his melodic vocal application helps facilitate this, and the band takes their ever-furious rapid grinding battery through so many channels to enhance its epic scope. I should probably try my best not the just regurgitate my very long review of this album, but the band are essentially reading humanity its eulogy in advance and beckoning the end of our species in no romantic fashion, beckoning the universe to ruthlessly purge the species they refer to as a shit stain and move on like we never even happened. This is obviously an exaggeration of their frustration at the inaction and denial of many of the consequences our actions are inviting into our future, but it’s so fitting for the grave circumstances at hand. If there’s any band whose lyrics and sound represent humankind’s self-inflicted ecological apocalypse, it’s Cattle Decapitation, and of there’s any album that paints an adequately dismal picture in fittingly horrifying bluntness of where the world is headed that needs to be understood, it’s Death Atlas. The best and most important album of the year.

And that’s it. 2019, great as always for a genre that refuses to go quietly into the night. A lot of people have been doing decade-summarizing lists, but seeing how long this was, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. Maybe I’ll just post a quick tribute to a few of my favorite albums of the decade that I didn’t get to write about before. But for now, 2019 is over, here’s to 2020, it’s going to be a big year, and I have a few things about that I need to say about that, so that’ll be coming soon too.

[shawnpetermuffins]

Family Tours

Request by @it-isnt-in-myy-blood: What about Shawn visiting his parents and Aaliyah in Pickering with his wife and daughter and it's all fluff, but also angst because Shawn will soon leave for tour again. And they know how hard the time and the distance will be for them?

A/n: I love dad!Shawn concepts, so I really liked this one

Warnings: a little angst and a little fluff

Word count: 1.2k

***

Watching my daughter play with her aunt is probably the sweetest thing ever. Or at least one of the sweetest things ever. The first most definitely being my wife doing absolutely anything with my mum. Like right now she's helping her cut the vegetables for the burgers while Dad and I are grilling in the backyard. Well… Dad is grilling; I'm keeping him company.

"How long is tour this time?" He asked, flipping a patty.

I took a swig of the beer in my hand and sighed, "four months."

"And what happens after that?"

"After that… I'm done touring for a while. I guess I'll get back in the studio and start on the next album."

"How's y/n handling all of this travelling?"

I smiled sadly, "Y/n's a trooper. She's been through it all with me. But I know it's still hard on Madi. She hasn't grasped the concept of tour, she just asks for Daddy at bedtime, and no matter where I am, I FaceTime, so I can sing her to sleep.." I hummed to myself while I watched my one year old  give Aaliyah one of her dolls to play with. "Y/n puts up with so much. I don't know how i got so lucky in the wife department." I take another sip of my half empty bottle.

"That you did. It's not everyday you find someone who loves you for who are, not what you have. I know you really struggled with that before you found her."

I nodded,  "Thank God I have her though. She's given me the most beautiful family. A better life than I could ever imagine," I said just as she made her way in front of me, a small smile ghosting at her lips. "Hi, pumpkin."

"Hi, rockstar. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, Karen needs you to get something from the top shelf for her."

"You got it." I reached for her hand and she graciously took it, pulling me with her.

---

"You look different," Aaliyah said while I watched her play with Madi. I shifted in my seat, adjusting my shirt, which was clinging to my stomach.

"How so?"

"Kinda glowy. It is a new foundation?"

"No," I shook my head. "Might just be the lighting?"

"I don't know. Last time I saw you this glowy you were pr-" she looked up at me, realization written all over her face. "Oh, my god! Are you-?"

"Shh…" I brought my finger to my lips. "You can't say anything. I haven't even told Shawn."

She's on her feet in a second, arms wrapping around me in a tight hug. "Congratulations," she whispered into my hair while we held each other close.

I sighed, "Thank you."

"I hope it's boy," she said excitedly.

I nodded, "me too."

Shawn entered the room just as we separated ourselves from each other. "There are my favorite girls. Am I interrupting something?" He asked with a slight chuckle when he saw our shocked faces.

"No," I said all too quickly.

He smiled anyway and made his way over to me. Aaliyah ducked down to pick up Madi. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, taking me left hand in his and kissing the ring on my finger. "You hungry?" His eyes stayed locked on mine, but lips didn't leave my skin.

I only hummed in response.

"Dinner's ready."

"Okay." I whispered.

"I'm still here, you know," Aaliyah scolded, causing me to back away from Shawn with a smile.

"You okay?" Shawn asked quietly while we sat outside with his family. I was sitting in his lap, mostly because I wanted to feel close to him, knowing that tour starts in a week and that once I start showing, and getting more and more pregnant, it won't be comfortable for either of us to be this close.

"I have to tell you something," I whispered into his neck.

"Hmm?" He pushed a strand of hair from my face and placed a gentle kiss to my cheek.

"Madi's gonna be a big sister," I said nonchalantly, but still only loud enough for him to hear it. I moved from the crook of his neck to watch our daughter giggle with her grandparents.

"Y/n?" He looked up at me with those big doe like eyes that looked more brown in this low light. "Are you serious?"

I nodded, grinning wide. "We're having a baby."

He laughed and kissed my lips quickly. "We're pregnant!" He couldn't contain his excitement and said it loud enough that everyone heard.

"You're pregnant?" Karen asked, looking away from her granddaughter who was currently in Manny's arms.

I chuckled, "surprise."

---

I couldn't keep my hands off her stomach. Another baby. Another human that we created out of nothing but pure love, was growing inside my wife. This is the most precious gift she could ever give me and I think I've fallen even more in love with her than I was before. (I didn't even think it was possible until she uttered those words to me for the second time in our marriage.)

We were laying in bed as I rubbed soothing circles over her still flat stomach and she shuddered under my touch. "I love you," I mumbled, staring at her profile.

She looked over at me. "I love you, too."

I leaned down and kissed her stomach. "And I love you, my little peanut. You are already so loved. I'm excited to meet you, and watch you grown." But I stopped there when I realized I wouldn't be there these first four months of the pregnancy. I would miss doctor's appointments and morning sickness. I wouldn't get to take a picture of her growing belly every week. "Fuck," I grumbled and pulled away.

"What's wrong?" My wife asked, eyebrows knitted together.

"I can't go on tour."

"What? Shawn, of course you can. And you will."

"No. You're pregnant. I can't- I can't just miss everything."

"Shawn, baby, stop. It's okay. You're not gonna miss anything."

I glared at her, because she knows that's not true. "Yes I will. Do you know how much happened in the first four months of your pregnancy with Madi? I don't want to miss any of that. The cravings, and the mood swings, and the morning sickness. Watching you just barely start to show. I'm gonna miss all of it because I decided I wanted to tour." I ran my fingers through my hair. "It's not fair to you. You're gonna have to go through this all alone."

"Hey," she took my hand. "I'm not doing this alone," she said sitting up, trying to catch my gaze. "Our families are here. Friends. I won't be alone."

"But I'm the dad."

"Oh you are? That's good to know," she tried to lighten the mood. But I wasn't in the mood for jokes.

"I'm supposed to be there," I said seriously.

"And you will. When you get back. It's four months, you'll still have another five to watch him grow."

"Him?" I asked with a smile.

"Liyah and I think it'll be a boy," she said with a shrug.

"You won't find that out until I get back, right?"

She shook her head, "we can find out together."

I hummed, pressing my forehead against hers. Knowing that made me feel a little better. "Good. Good."

We stayed this way for a few minutes before Madi's cries filled the house.

"I got her," I said and pressed a gentle kiss to y/n's lips.

"Hey, Shawn?" She said when I was almost out the door.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

I couldn't help the blush that flooded my face, "I love you, too."

***

Tags: @curlyshawny @shawns-badreputation @bbellbagel @anamariel2301 @turtoix @tomshufflepuff @ivegotparticulartaste

This was kinda anticlimactic, but I still really adored this.

Like, reblog, and leave feedback!! 💙

[rapuvdayear]

2000: “Ghetto Qu’ran (Forgive Me)” 50 Cent (Trackmaster Ent./Columbia)

It’s been over a year since I teased the idea of doing a post about my favorite 50 Cent tracks, so I guess now is as good a time as ever to get around to it! 

With the exception of maybe Kanye, I can’t think of another rapper with more raw talent whose career has been more disappointing. Obviously both Ye and Fiddy have been monstrously successful, but IMO they either burned brightly before descending into white supremacy apologia (Kanye) or never achieved their best possible trajectory (50). It’s not an accident to put them together in this way, either; just 12 years ago next month they faced off in what turned out to be a very underwhelming battle over whose album would sell better (this was back when album sales, not streaming numbers, still meant something). In many ways, it was a crossroads for each artist: Kanye dropped what I believe was his magnum opus, then followed it up with his fourth-best album, third-best album, and second-best album, before dropping off a cliff, while 50′s release basically removed him from the conversation about who was relevant in rap (“My Gun Go Off” and “I Get Money” are honorable mentions for the list below, but otherwise Curtis is entirely forgettable). 

These days, 50 has gone the Ice Cube route and is probably more recognizable as an actor than as a rapper. So, it’s hard to remember that once upon a time he was the savior of gangsta rap and (co-)author of one of the 25 greatest albums of all time. He beat the odds to survive a shooting, link up with the two heaviest hitters (at the time) in the rap game, and even be included on some GOAT lists. He also essentially established the “flood the streets with mixtapes before your album drops” strategy of self-promotion that Gucci, Weezy, and even Drake would follow in the days before Soundcloud was the go-to resource for building a rep. He singlehandedly destroyed a rival’s career, launched a clothing line, video game, and music label, and made a halfway-decent biopic. And then... he just sort of petered out. 

But! 50 is also responsible for some of my all-time favorite raps, which is why it’s so frustrating to me that he never lived up to the buzz surrounding him back in 2003. These are my five favorites, listed chronologically, with some commentary:

1) “Ghetto Qu’ran (Forgive Me)” (2000) Before the G-Unit days and before Eminem and Dre helped launch him to superstardom, Curtis Jackson was an up and coming rapper from Queens who had attracted the attention of another rap legend, Run-DMC’s Jam Master Jay. A mutual friend introduced 19 year-old 50 to Jay back in 1996, and the veteran producer/DJ gave him a crash course in how to write songs and signed him to his fledgling label. The business relationship didn’t work out, but it helped lead 50 to Columbia Records’ Trackmasters imprint where he recorded Power of the Dollar in 1999. However, this debut album would never see the light of day after 50 was shot nine times while sitting in a friend’s car and subsequently dropped by Columbia. In the wake of the shooting--and then later, after 50 blew the fuck up in 2003--it became a sort of “lost cult classic” among rap fans. “How To Rob” got the most attention at the time, a funny-yet-vicious song demonstrating 50′s hunger through fantasies about sticking up famous rappers and R&B stars (the song was also clearly an homage to Biggie’s unreleased “Dreams,” and provoked an oblique diss from Ghostface). But “Ghetto Qu’ran” has had a more lasting impact, primarily because of how it was rumored to be the source of 50′s shooting, Jam Master Jay’s murder, and the Ja Rule/Murder Inc. beef. While all of that intrigue is important to rap lore, it distracts from the fact that it’s a near perfect rap song from a technical perspective: a catchy hook, a fantastic beat and sample, an effortless flow, and a well-crafted story that is equal parts celebration of the Queens underworld and subtle shots at street legends. Seriously, this is akin to what traveling bards used to do in medieval Europe, what poets in Ancient Greece wrote, what west African griots did/do, and what narcocorrido artists do now. If you want to learn about the Supreme Team, Pappy Mason, the Corley Family, and the Rich Porter/Alpo crew in Harlem, then this is a good place to start; as 50 puts it, “consider this the first chapter of the ghetto’s Qu’ran.” The secondary title to this track--“Forgive Me”--has a double meaning now. It was initially a plea to forgive 50 for the pain he caused in his criminal life but in retrospect an appeal to the figures whose names he drops. Also, it’s interesting to listen to this first and then compare 50′s voice with the next four tracks: this was recorded before the shooting, which left a bullet fragment lodged in his tongue that affected his speech and gave him his now-distinctive flow.    

2) “Heat” (2003) There are several standouts on Get Rich or Die Tryin’ (“Many Men,” “Back Down,” “What Up Gangsta,” “Patiently Waiting,” and “Poor Lil’ Rich” spring to mind, and I will always love “21 Questions” for the “I love you like a fat kid loves cake” line alone) but this one has always been my fave. It’s a perfect distillation of the image that 50 was trying to project when he burst onto the scene: a hood-hardened gangster who wouldn’t hesitate to do his enemies harm. And given his recent history, you could believe him, too! There’s really nothing about this song that should be praised in any way, but I’ve been thinking about the gravity of the following line a lot in the past month or so: “The summertime is a killing season/ It’s hot out this bitch, that’s a good enough reason.” Also, 50′s boast “the DA can play this motherfucking tape in court” *has* to be one of the inspirations behind this great Key & Peele sketch, right? 

3) “A Baltimore Love Thing” (2005) The Massacre was incredibly disappointing on the whole. I can remember clearly sitting around with my friends in a dorm room at the Shoreland listening to it all the way through the day that it dropped, wanting to love it but slowly realizing that it wasn’t going to live up to our expectations. “Ski Mask Way” could be an honorable mention on this list, and “Piggy Bank” is kind of funny, but otherwise it’s a steaming pile of shit. “Baltimore Love Thing,” though, is a masterpiece. It’s incredibly dark, rapped from the perspective of heroin itself (sort of like what Nas’s “I Gave You Power” does for guns) in order to detail the destruction that addiction--and, by extension, drug trafficking--leaves in its wake. Even more fucked up, 50-as-heroin voices an abusive partner addressing a woman, threatening her should she ever try to leave him. For my money, “You broke my heart, you dirty bitch, I won’t forget what you did/ If you give birth, I’ll already be in love with your kids” is one of the coldest lines in the annals of rap, full stop. In the second verse, he switches to the flip side of an abuser’s mindset: “I never steer you wrong, if you hyper I make you calm/ I’ll be your incentive, your reason for you to move forward.” All in all, it’s a great concept song that shows off 50′s range as a rapper... and is a testament to what he could have been.

4) “Hustler’s Ambition” (2005) Goddamn, I fucking love everything about this song! The beat is fantastic (great sample, btw), prefiguring the sound on a future great mixtape from the G-Unit crew. 50′s flow here is flawless, arguably the best, smoothest he’s ever been. This was basically the “theme” for 2005′s Get Rich or Die Tryin’ film, and tells the story of his come up in the drug game (or, at least, 50′s version of his carefully constructed hagiography). The lyrics are the true gems here, so I’ll just let a few of the standouts speak for themselves:

“Check my logic: fiends don’t like seeds in they weed, shit/ Send me them seeds, I’ll grow ‘em what they need”

“I sell anything, I’m a hustler, I know how to grind/ Step on grapes, put it in water, and tell you it’s wine”

“I made plans to make it, a prisoner of the state/ Now I can invite your ass out to my estate”

“Pour Cristal in the blender, make a protein shake”

and finally

“The feds watch me, icy, they can’t stop me/ Racists pointing at me, ‘Look at *****race’: Hello!”   

5) “Ghetto Like A Motherfucker” (2011) I remember first encountering this track on a Tumblr compilation (I think?) called Don’t Fuck This Up, Curtis! and allowing myself to get excited that the old 50 was back! As the compilation’s name implies, around that time 50 had been releasing a string of online-only singles that were better than anything he’d put out in five or so years, and so there was some hope that he’d soon be making a triumphant return to the rap game. Sadly, this was not to be. But I still bang this track every month or so. The idea here was that 50 had written something, set it to a very sparse, stripped-down beat, and posted it online as an invitation for DIY rap producers to play with it and layer their own compositions on top of it. In that sense, it represented a melange of rap’s earliest roots--dudes spitting over vinyl cuts in basements and parks, just fucking around and having fun--and the possibilities afforded by the digital age and rap’s embrace of online platforms for mixing and remixing material (on a side note, I like to think of this as part of 21st century rap’s “punk rock” aesthetic, and would argue that this genre has done it better than any other). As with “Hustler’s Ambition,” “Baltimore Love Thing,” and “Ghetto Qu’ran,” this track gives 50 a chance to really showcase his talents as a writer and a rapper. The lyrics are as grimy as the beat, painting a picture of urban poverty and pre-fame 50, and 50 switches up his flow at multiple points throughout. Here are some of my favorite lines:

“Slim chance I’ma go back to killing roaches/ Be quiet, you can hear the rats in the wall/ Make you wanna pump crack ‘til you stack racks”

“Dice game, shake ‘em up, praying’ for a 6/ The wolves out there hungry, they lookin’ for a lick”

“****** pissed on the staircase, in the elevator/ Now I’m pissed cuz I’m starting to smell like piss, player”

and

“All a ***** need is a block and a connect/ And a box of 9 MMs to load in the TEC.”

50′s last two studio albums--Before I Self Destruct and Animal Ambition--honestly weren’t half-bad; I would venture so far as to say that they were both better than The Massacre and Curtis. But for 50 it was too little, too late, really. Too many rappers had come along since then doing what he did, only better and fresher. This is a Migos world now; we’re just living in it. And so, I’m left to ponder what could have been. 

[viforvictori]

Warning: Long Rant.

Y’all... I’m so mad. I came to terms that YG doesn’t treat his artists like people, and he never will, years and years ago. When he let BigBang ruin themselves for the cameras, when he let them sleep with rats in a one-room shack, when he let Daesung face 2011 by himself, and more recently, when he let Jiyong, Youngbae and Daesung fatigue themselves with both solo tours and then group concerts, and when he acted like Seunghyun didn’t even exist in July 2017. Even then, it’s unfathomable to me that someone can treat their largest, most integral source of income like absolute shit.

I truly did believe that during Seungri’s solo promotions he’d be treated humanely, at least. He’d be supported, at least. After all, it’s his first solo comeback in nigh on five years, and he’s the only active member of the megastar group BigBang who brought YG from the ground up and who are literally the only reason he’s able to have any relevancy or even produce more groups. Perhaps this is my fault for trusting a man - a rat, rather - who’s shown time and time again that loyalty and hard work and complete and utter devotion does not matter to certain people. 

Some people ask why YG gets so much hate. There’s a plethora of disgusting, vile things that YG has done over the years but his constant mistreatment of BigBang, especially Seungri, is disgraceful, even for a man consumed by industry.

Let’s put aside for a moment the fact that this Seungri has been denied a solo comeback for years and years while having to watch his family, his brothers, be given priority over him every time, and just focus on what’s actually happened during Seungri’s year. 

First of all, the album didn’t come until later on into the year, and as such, Seungri went on many shows without anything to promote. Grateful though I am to have been able to see Seungri on so many shows and be given the spotlight for once, he couldn’t bring attention to his actual work. This is a small misfortune though, in my opinion.

Once the album came out, we were happy! It’s a well-produced album with amazing songs, both old and new, combined with beautiful photobooks and impressive MVs to boot. We also got epic live stages from music shows~ We also got the privilege of a tour - something we had been expecting to be quite honest. The majority of the concerts seemed to have been incredible both for V.I.Ps and for Seungri, and I’m so happy and proud he’s had this opportunity. But apparently, Seungri has had little to no support from YG and YGE in making these concerts a reality. He’s had to spend his own money and use his own connections to secure venues and put everything together. YGE is supposed to take care of these things, being overseen by Seungri. Despite this major setback that should have lowered the quality of the concerts, Seungri has prevailed and most likely made huge financial sacrifices during this time, all because he doesn’t want to disappoint us.

This brings me to the most recent source of my anger towards YG. This concert in Hong Kong. Most people are probably aware by now, but Seungri was left to perform with only the Kwon Twins and without a band because HITECH, CRAZY and The Band Six were all sent to Thailand for BlackPink’s concert. (don’t even get me started on Jennie lately as well)

Now, the Kwon Twins and Seungri are very talented stage performers and, although I haven’t seen the concert, I know they will have done as well as they could given the circumstances. There are screencaps and videos of this circulating, but Seungri said that he talked with YG on the phone who

1) Did not know Seungri had a concert today

2) Asked him if he wanted back up dancers, and then promptly told him that he could do it by himself.

It will have been so, so tiring for the Kwon Twins and Seungri to be the only ones on stage. They couldn’t have many, if any, costume changes because they couldn’t leave the audience with nothing to entertain them while they change. Personally, I find it greatly disrespectful that YG wasn’t aware of Seungri’s schedule and that he told Seungri he could do it alone after asking him something as ridiculous as “do you need any dancers?”. YGE needs to get a hold of themselves. They must have known that BlackPink and Seungri’s schedule clashed, and they should have made preparations for it. BlackPink are four people and should require fewer backup dancers (unless they’re covering for Jennie lmao), whereas Seungri is one person, and would, therefore, need more dancers.

Seungri ultimately said that he was fine because he had V.I.Ps, but I hope he’s not tricked himself into forgiving YG for his words and actions today, or any other day. It’s not right by any standard that he should be treated like this when he’s mere months from leaving for the military. On top of everything that’s happened, he’s had to work his many side businesses and surely that’s taken a toll on him.

All I can hope for is that he manages to have a long, long rest before he enters the public eye again, and while he’s gone, I hope YG learns to appreciate what he actually has. Perhaps he’ll even consider treating his artists like people? It’s an unreal dream, but a dream nonetheless.

I know nobody will read this far down, but if you seriously did, thank you for actually taking your time to read my rant lmao <3 

[0dollyblue0]

BTS reactions to you (gf) finding  their childhood pictures - Maknae line

Park Jimin:

You were sitting beside of the woman who'd raised the love of your life up as you two watched the next picture. You'd seen a couple of old videos which'd been recorded by one of his parents and now it was the turn of the family's photo album. You found it very amusing and at least you were not bored since your boyfriend, his father and his younger brother were in the garden, sprinkling the plans, spudding and harvesting the fruits and vegetables of the spring. The garden wasn't too big and there wouldn't had been any other job for you so you'd stayed in the house. But it didn't bother you. You were happy to be here, in Busan, visit his family and see him to rest a little. The comeback was over and they'd been done with the promotion too so the band had got a few days off that the oldest of the Maknae line had taken advantage of. He'd decided to take you here and to tell the truth you absolutely hadn't resisted. You loved this place. It was so refreshing for your soul you couldn't even describe it.

- Oh, look! - you followed the direction which his mother's finger showed. There was a picture of her two sons as they were fighting with each other. Both of them were very small in the picture. - I was the one who took the photo. I should've taken them apart like a good mother but I couldn't resist and took this picture. - she laughed and you joined in. - They were always fighting. Since the little one learned how to walk they were always arguing with each other. It might be surprising for you but Jimin was the one who started these debates. There was no exception. The smaller just mocked him. He's  always wanted to be like his big brother. And none of them could lose. I'm wondering why isn't my hair fully grey by now. - she chuckled as she looked down at the photo lovingly. - It's surprising again but Jimin was the one who calmed down, and be wiser by the time though he was the one who was the most heated, and the most aggressive in the fights. Though if I'm thinking about that he is very energetic now too. - you giggled widely as you nodded. It was true.

- I have to admit it. - you looked up at her and the woman had given you a warm smile before she turned the page again. You sighed a little as you watched her kind, soft features. It wasn't the first time you met her but you had to admire it every single time how much she and her oldest son were similar to each other. You were sure about that Jimin inherited his kind heart, his smile, and his bright personality from her as well. You were about to look down again but a familiar voice made your head to turn towards the door.

- What are the two dearest women of my heart doing? - a wide smile lightened up on your face as you watched your boyfriend walked through the door, made his way to you. There was a clearly visible blush on his face, sweatdrops were pouring down on his forehead and he was gasping for air slightly. His blonde hair was as disheveled as it could be possible and his clothes were dirty from the work in between the plans but his eyes were sparkling with joy and love as he looked down at the two of you. You and his mother moved away from each other a little bit, made a place to sit for him. He gave a peck on his mother's cheek and a sweet kiss on your lips as he sat down between you. - So? - he asked again and the next minute his mother placed the photo album on his lap. His plump lips formed an "oh" as his gaze got through the pages faster than you could expect.

- I remember this! - he shouted suddenly, point at a picture of him. You didn't notice it before. You'd been too focused on what his mother had said. The picture should had been  taken in the kindergarten but you weren't sure. It was only him in a cow costume which was made-up by a black and white spotted overall and a cute little hat with a tiny, orange bow. In the middle of his dress there was a little cow. He couldn't be more than six years old. You thought but you stayed silent. You were afraid you might start to cry if you start to speak. It was too adorable and yet the recognition hit you. Because that cute, little mochi in that picture was sitting beside you and every time when you looked at him you could see the same glowing eyes, the same smile and the same, rosy, chubby cheeks. And when you looked at him you knew he loved you. You could see it in his dark irises, in the way he was breathing, in every single word he said. And you loved him as well. It was so real it amazed you.

- I wanted to be a lion but nobody let me. - he pouted as the memory came into his mind and you giggled now resting one of your hand on his shoulder. He was too cute.

- Believe me. You ARE a lion. - his mom laughed and she mussed up his hair a little. - Because there is no cow in this world who can roar as loud as you can. That's why I didn't let you. I wanted silence once in my life. - she said and all of you burst into a laughter in the next moment. You were home.

Kim Taehyung:

- Look at this Jagiya!! Wasn't I really cute back then? - you lift your gaze up from the stove and looked at the picture that your boyfriend was fluttering in front of you. It was a photo made about him at kindergarten, and you had to admit that it was absolutely sweet.

- You still are. - you answered as you turned around on your heels and gave a peck on his lips. He leaned forward immediately just to deepen the kiss but you pulled back within a few seconds. - Not now, big boy. - you laughed slightly saw how disappointed he was and couldn't help yourself. Let's just say he's got another kiss. - Seriously Tae. I don't want to burn the food. Go. Wash your hands. The dinner is almost ready. - his face lightened up in that moment you pronounced 'dinner' and you laughed again as you watched him run out from the kitchen probably to the bathroom. You shook your head a little with a light smile on your face and turned back to cook. He was a big child. But he was your big child after all.

It didn't take the food too long to be ready. You placed it on the table when Taehyung showed up in the doorframe.

- Come. - you said and he didn't need more invites. He jumped on the chair next to you and placed his lips against now your blushed cheek before he started to eat.

- Thanks for the dinner, Jagi! - he showed his boxy smile to you, his mouth full with meat.

- Do you like it? - you asked curiously. It was the first time you made this meal and though Jin had explained to you how to do it  you were still a little bit nervous.

- It's amazing! I have the best girlfriend in the world! - he grinned at you but you didn't see it since you'd buried your face in your palms embarrassed. - She's beautiful! She can sing, she can dance, she can cook and she has the most gorgeous personality in this universe. - he rehearsed your skills and you felt how fast your face became more and more reddish. - Aish, when did I get this lucky? - he chuckled as he pet the top of your head. You whimpered out a soft 'stop it' under your breath and he laughed again. After this little incident the two of you were eating in silence for a while but in the end V was the one who started to speak again.

- So did you like that photo of me? - you simply nodded as an answer as you put another spoonful soup in your mouth. It was a mistake. It was. - Good. Because our sons will probably look like this. - you choked on your food as the words left his mouth and you started to cough uncontrollably with your hand in front of your mouth. He seemed like he didn't get your reaction because he patted your back with an absolutely innocent expression on his face.

- Pardon...? - you asked with a confused tone in your hoarse voice as you blinked at him. He smiled again his hand still on your back.

- Our sons. We'll have five of them. - your eyes only grew bigger hearing what he'd just said. That it surprised you wasn't even a phrase to express what you felt. You put down the spoon slowly and straightened your back.

- Excuse me Mr. Kim Taehyung but do I look like a brood-mare to you? -you asked him harshly but you only faked the madness. Actually you found the situation quiet funny though you were still surprised. You two hadn't spoken about marriage or family before maybe because you'd  been living together for two years only. Anyway he seemed like he'd taken your actions seriously because he put down the spoon as well, and he bowed his head down but you still could see how the tears were starting to well up in his eyes.

- You don't want me as your kids' father do you...? - he asked so quietly you barely could hear what he'd said. You gasped for air in realization and dropping everything that had been in your hand you pulled him into a tight hug.

- Oh, TaeTae! I was just joking. Of course I want you to. - he looked up at you, still teary eyed but with a hoping expression on his face. You smiled down at him. - To be honest I wouldn't be able to imagine a better father than you.

- Do you mean it, Jagi? Please tell me you mean it. - his begging sight was so heartbreaking to you that you had to buried your face into his shoulder, covering the tears in the corner of your eyes from him.

- Of course I mean it, Silly. - there was a little silence in the room before you started to speak again. - But we won't have five children.  

- But whyyyyy...? - he pouted and you had to look away from him. You couldn't let you to give up but his puppy-look-like face and his chocolate-brown eyes were too much for you to deal with.

- Because I don't wanna be a housewife. - you said honestly feeling a little bit embarrassed. You didn't know how to express your feelings or thoughts.

- But I'm an idol. We would've enough money.

- Taehyung. I can't expect you to work out your soul. I cannot expect this to anyone. - your boyfriend's mouth split open and he really seemed like someone who is ready to a fight but you called for silence. - Hush, Tae. I'm the one who's speaking now. - he pouted again but he shut his mouth so you continued. - Beside the fact that I'm literally an energy bomb and I want to do my job, there's the thing that if you worked all the time you would never see your children. - he grimaced. You got a point. He had to admit it. - What do you think how our kids would feel if they couldn't see their dad? What do you think how YOU would feel?

- Bad. - he said but you knew it was more than 'bad'. He was so family-orianted, so kind hearted. You were sure he would feel horrible. And you didn't want that.  - Then...what about...four?

- Two.

- Three. - you just rolled your eyes but nodded. You couldn't resist to add  little comment anyway.

- But we'll have girls too.

- One.

- Two.

- Aish, Jagiya why are doing this to me? - he fretted but you could tell he wasn't really annoyed. He was just playing around.

- Because I'll be the one who'll caring them for nine months and who'll give them birth. In other words I'll be the one who'll do the lion's share. - you winked while you gave him one of the sweetest kisses he could ever ask for. And another one. And another one.

- I should propose to you... - he said between the kisses.

- Yes. You should. - you smiled unconsciously before you gave him another kiss.

Jeon Jungkook:

- Jungkook-ah...

- But I don't want tooooo!! - Taehyung's answer was not more than a slight chuckle as he forced the whimpering maknae to sit down next to you on the couch. Your eyes meet his desperate gaze and you had to try really hard to not to laugh. You didn't want to make the situation more awkward for him but his reaction was already funny itself to you.

- Oh my!! Don't be so shy! - this time it was Jimin who talked as he ruffled the younger one's hair but your boyfriend didn't seem like he was enjoying this kind of treatment because he moved away from Chimmy's hand while he crickled his nose.

- Speak for yourself, shorty! - the youngest of the team ducked so Jimin's fist hit the pillow behind him only. - I just got her into this relationship with me. I don't want to risk it. - you couldn't help but laughed. He looked at you slightly annoyed so you lift your hands up above your head as an apology.

- Kookie. I won't leave you because of a video. - you said confident but there was a quick reply.

- Say this again after you've seen it. - you only put out your tongue at V who -of course- was grinning widely. In the fact the boy next to you still hesitated.

- Jungkook-ah! You lost the game. You have to show it to her anyway. - Jungkook took an eye at Jimin as he was about to kill the poor dancer but he didn't say anything. He took out his phone from his pocket, went to youtube and after a few seconds clicked on the video that'd been mentioned before. The screen lightened up for a moment and you leaned forward. You watched it carefully. You didn't want to miss a single moment of it. And you didn't. You saw clearly as your boyfriend's closely fetus-version turned up on the phone.  Your eyes widened your mouth gaped open, forming a soft "aw". He was around 12 or 13. You weren't sure. He seemed tall at the age you'd placed him but his face was too chubby, too cute and too baby-looking to you to think him older. His hair was longer than now. The lower locks of his dark hair were visibly tickling the back of his neck. His quiff covered his forehead and his eyebrows as usually but his skin was tanned. In total his face looked very similar and yet different to the Jungkook you knew at the same time. The boy on the screen wasn't shivering nor biting his lip but you could tell he was super-duper nervous. As you saw he was on the edge of fainting. And than the boy started to sing. You saw at the corner of your eyes as the "old" Jungkook next to you bowed down his head in embarrassment, but you didn't really can understand why. It was surprising for you too but the Kook in the video hadn't have a bad voice at all. Actually it was quiet similar to the older one's. It was a little bit shaky, unsteady and he didn't find the perfect sounds every time but it wasn't bad. It only needed a little bit of training. The clip was short and when it was over your boyfriend threw the phone away immediately. You looked up confused just to faced with that no one was there except the two of you. You'd been so into the video you hadn't even noticed when the living room had gotten empty. You turned your head towards the boy next to you. His face was burning up and he bit down on his bottom lip. Your heart melted in the moment you saw him like this.

- Oh Bunny. - you sighed reached a hand out to one of his blushed cheeks. - There's nothing to be shamed of. I've found it really cute beside the fact that your voice wasn't bad at all back then. And if it was that wouldn't matter either. I love you with as much of my heart as before. - you said and you were about to continue but you didn't get a chance to do it. Because as the words'd left your mouth the golden maknae lifted his head up and before you could say anything he faulted himself forward right on you. Your back made a contact with the couch's soft textile and you stared at your boyfriend shocked who was on the top of you now. Actually he was sitting on your lower stomach but he leaned forward and relied his hands on the two sides of your head just to got most of his weight off of you.

- Good. - his voice was no more than a whisper and his eyes were darker than usual so the thought of resist didn't even get in your mind. You could see something in his huge pupils which made your heart to beating as hell and calmed you down at the same time. - Because now I'm going to make you forget  your name too. Don't even speak about that stupid little video.  Deal? - he smirked, bowed down his head just to bit the sensible skin of your ear. You nodded as a slight whimper escaped your lips but you knew you didn't really have a choice. So you just relaxed under his touch and let yourself to enjoy the treatment he was about to give to you.

Hello Everyone! I hope you liked this scenario too! Please feel free to tell me your opinions! I really want to know them! I’m sorry for the late post by the way.  I really enjoyed to write this so let me know if you want another scenarios. Enjoy the summer and celebrate the new album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And don’t forget: ,,You nice, keep going!”

[bobbystompy]

My Top 127 Songs Of 2018

Previously: 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Not the most ever... just the second most ever. The record of 132 stands. I hope it is never broken.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check any or every out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes 122 of the 127 songs

Well?

/grins

127) B.o.B - “Food Fight”

Some triplet rap, pretty boring, and I have no idea what this song is supposed to be. But the “Food of the WiFi” part makes me laugh, and I always picture my buddy Matto singing it to his eye rolling wife (even though I’m pretty sure he’s never heard the song before).

126) French Montana f/ Drake - “No Stylist”

This song sucks -- even Drake can’t save it. French Montana is cancer except you don’t get to die.

125) 21 Savage - “Monster”

Not a huge Savage guy, but the Gambino verse helps.

124) The Kooks - “All The Time”

Kind of a lazy chorus, but it’s aight.

123) Sean Paul f/ Jhené Aiko - “Naked Truth”

Love Aiko, have never cared for Paul... but the collab weirdly works.

122) REASON - “Summer Up”

My buddy Josh sent this one, and it’s got the warm vibes. Money stretch:

P asked me is REASON still workin', shit N***a, is Amber Rose still twerkin', gold diggers still flirtin' horny teens still jerkin', all my exes still lurkin' black lives still hurtin', black lives still hurtin'?

121) Nipsey Hussle f/ YG - “Last Time That I Checc’d”

B’s vs. C’s. And a beat that sounds like DJ Mustard combined with ‘90s G-funk. Also, YG’s bandanna scarf is just very cute.

120) Thrice - “Only Us”

Weirdly, another reds and blues music video. But this time, it’s kids at a summer camp. This could absolutely be used by networks as a pump up song for sporting events.

119) Anderson .Paak f/ Kendrick Lamar - “TINTS”

Anderson .Paak -- ohhhh, that dot will always annoy me -- really does not make bad songs. Kung Fu Kenny fits right in, and it’s a very easy hit-the-spot driving song.

118) Mr Hudson f/ Vic Mensa - “Coldplay”

A serious song that uses an emotional reliance on Coldplay to take objective shots at Coldplay, which is pretty hilarious. Vic’s verse is good (”I lost my Queen poppin’ Ace of Spades at King of Diamonds ... I hate Coldplay”).

117) Logic f/ Wu-Tang Clan - “Wu Tang Forever”

Long cypher song. If you care about hip-hop, you probably know Drake also released a song called “Wu-Tang Forever” five years ago (which featured no members of Wu-Tang). There was talk of a remix -- RZA even recently said he wished they did -- but Inspectah Deck articulated why it didn’t happen back then:

“When I finally got to hear the song, I was more or less like, ‘Wow, I thought it was a tribute song like, it would be in respect of all eight members,'” Deck said. “And when I heard it, it was about a girl.”

You can just sense the colossal and spiritual disappointment.

Well, this one is more about fire than females; you’ll shout “Wu-Tang” proudly at least once. My MVP verse is Ghostface.

116) Jhené Aiko f/ Rae Sremmurd - “Sativa”

Rae Sremmurd* still sound like little kids to me. Conversely, Jhené Aiko is all that is woman.

(* - never knew they were brothers until just now)

115) Sam Coffey & The Iron Lungs - “First Time”

Sam Coffey first got on my radar with The Clash-sounding song “Talk 2 Her”. This is less of that and more, like, ‘80s hair metal. It’s almost hard to tell if this is sincere or parody. The video absolutely does not take itself seriously.

114) Saves The Day - “Kerouac & Cassady”

Always been impressed with the very unthreatening Chris Conley’s ability to create such sinister, dark, and menacing imagery. This maybe has the most bleak closing line of any of these songs.

113) 5 Seconds Of Summer - “Youngblood”

This is what Fall Out Boy tries to sound like with their new stuff... but they just suck so bad now.

112) She Killed In Ecstasy - “Dissension (Gold)”

I remembered this being a dope instrumental before totally forgetting about the just-as-awesome vocals; great band name, too. Recommended by my friends Jim and Bill over brunch after taking in their show at Subterranean in Chicago the previous night. This could be the closing theme for a critically acclaimed TV show.

111) Night Birds - “My Dad Is The BTK”

Straightforward, bratty punk rock that promotes snitching (if you’re sure it’s for the right reasons).

110) The Decemberists - “Once In My Life”

Why does such an outwardly melancholy song still feel so damn uplifting? Probably the video. They have a long statement attached on YouTube, so for sure peep if this catches your interest.

109) Mad Caddies - “She’s Gone”

Here we have a straight up reggae cover of NOFX. Sometimes I don’t think I like this song at all, but it might just be hard to separate it from the original; almost wish it was possible to go in with a clean slate. Maybe you can on my behalf?

108) Rivers Cuomo - “Two Broken Hearts”

Would you rather not know the video uses Bitmojis or the pre-chorus promotes two different ice cream brands before the song ends?

107) XXXTENTACION - “Train food”

This song is intense; gave me memories of listening to Kendrick’s “The Art of Peer Pressure”. X not surviving 2018 makes it that much more haunting.

106) Kanye West & Lil Pump f/ Adele Givens - “I Love It”

Not sure why, in his most embattled year yet, Kanye decided to be a part of such a derogatory song towards women. Listening to it makes me feel bad. And sure, the MAGA imagery will be what we think of when we think of 2018 Yeezy, but this picture shouldn’t be too far off either.

Shark: jumped.

105) New Lenox - “Do You Think We Made The Most Of Those New Years Eves”

That is a very long song title. But not as long as the time since passed on this reflection of the final night of the year, over a decade now gone. But even though he’s looking back, you know Chris Trott gets to hit reset at the end of the night, whether it’s December 31st or January 1st. And when NYE hits again, whether you return to the same party in the same place or a different experience in a totally different hemisphere, celebrating something is what makes this all matter.

(Full disclosure: yours truly has a minor backup vocal part in the outro)

104) Jeff Tweedy - “Having Been Is No Way To Be”

This for sure made it on the list because of the “And if I was dead, what difference would it ever make to them?” line, but upon closer scrutiny, the “And I’m sorry when you wake up to me” line is even more crushing.

103) Panic! At The Disco - “Dying In LA”

Brendon Urie’s voice is so polished and full. This song is him in complete control, and he knows it too (the “Dyin’ in LA” falsetto part at the end of the chorus is... probably not necessary).

102) Sugarland f/ Taylor Swift - “Babe”

Though Taylor’s impact in the music video is significantly stronger than her impact in the actual song, it’s still rock solid country. Or... country solid country?

/curtsies

101) ZHU & Tame Impala - “My Life”

This song has such a dancy cool on the power of its instrumentation; really doesn’t need vocals at all.

100) Kidd Russell & Southside Jake - “Slow Motion”

The poppiest SSJ has ever sounded. This is his best song to date. I’m not so sure if “Shots kill the butterflies” is an actual expression, but it should be.

99) Hop Along - “What The Writer Meant”

Hot damn, what a voice. This song is beauty in our not-often-beautiful world.

98) Retirement Party - “That’s How People Die”

This reminds me of a female fronted version of the departed Modern Baseball. Eager to see how they develop and definitely plan on checking their Audiotree session soon.

97) Lil Peep - “Sex With My Ex”

It’s... really good, you guys. The grimy nihilism of the “Fuck me like we’re lying on our deathbed” is palpable. It’s impossible not to think of the heights Peep would have almost definitely hit had he not passed. Also, super interesting tidbit on how the album got posthumously made:

Lil Peep died of an accidental drug overdose last November [2017] at 21. Afterward, attention turned to his computer. First, it went to London, where the files were backed up by First Access Entertainment, the company that helped guide his career.

Then it went to his mother, Liza Womack. In an interview in her cozy Long Island home, sitting on a nondescript couch that belonged to Peep and was shipped cross-country after his death, she calmly recalled walking into an Apple store, handing the laptop to a clerk, and saying: “My son died. This is him. Take this and put it on a new one.”

96) Kurt Vile - “Bassackwards”

I was on the beach, but I was thinkin’ about the bay

This has Kurt Vile’s signature laid back-ness (good) but also has a 9:46 track length (VERY VERY BAD). I’m not saying it has to be even four minutes long... but, like, could you have given us seven, KV? All of that aside, it really doesn’t slog at all despite mostly staying the same the whole time. Though I still can’t stop thinking about how much shorter it should be.

95) Christine And The Queens - “Doesn’t matter”

Kinda ‘80s pop sounding. Also, there’s a foreign accent there. British maybe?

/googles

French! Even better.

94) Brendan Kelly And The Wandering Birds - “Shitty Margarita”

Wish the drums were louder, BK.

93) Courtney Barnett - “Nameless, Faceless”

Barnett does not fuck around with her chorus/old adage:

I wanna walk through the park in the dark Men are scared that women will laugh at them I wanna walk through the park in the dark Women are scared that men will kill them

This type of perspective, down to the description of how she has to hold her keys in a way your average dude might not think about, remains so crucial as we all hope to continue to better understand each other.

92) Jeff Rosenstock - “Powerlessness”

Meet me at the Polish bar I'll be the one looking at my phone Shaking like a nervous kid Absolutely terrified of being alone

...it doesn’t sound how it reads. All of his skittish energy fuels this fist pumping jam. And don’t miss the guitar solo.

91) Charli XCX - “5 In The Morning”

Pretty standard fare pop song, but Charli makes it cooler and better than if the average person jumped on.

90) Pinegrove - “Darkness”

Gonna be honest: it was nearly impossible to listen to Pinegrove in 2018 without thinking of the sexual coercion accusations from the previous year. Jenn Pelly’s long ass piece really did nothing to help matters. So because of all this, I listened to their new album “Skylight” wayyyyy less than originally anticipated. The few times -- really maybe ‘time’ in all actuality -- I was able to separate the story from the songs, it definitely became enjoyable. This has head clearing guitar leads and a lyric straight outta Sublime’s “Garden Grove”.

89) Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson - “Bad Dreams”

Brooding, nighttime, driving; good ingredients for a successful duet.

88) Meek Mill f/ Rick Ross & JAY Z - “What’s Free”

Now, if I’m Rick Ross, I spend my entire career avoiding any situation where people can compare me to Biggie. But since Rick Ross is Rick Ross, he went with the opposite plan. This is his (to my knowledge) second reimagined Biggie song*, and... it’s... it’s rough. I mean, how far can you take it with the line “Mona Lisa, to me, ain't nothin' but a b***h” and end with a gay slur. Pass.

But we also have the GOAT. In classic Jay fashion, he spits a lot of good words, you know it’s complex, and there’s no way to process it without more listens. And yes, the immediate brand checks are super annoying, but he pushes through and delivers some bars:

They gave us pork and pig intestines Shit you discarded that we ingested, we made the project a wave You came back, reinvested and gentrified it Took n****s' sense of pride, now how that's free?

When he finishes, the song itself ends, and we have one of the more long and uneven Jay cameos ever put on wax. It’s, like, a 5-star B-.

(* -  the first being 2014′s “Nobody”, a take off “You’re Nobody [Til Somebody Kills You]”, featuring French Montana, which spawned an all-time Rap Radar comment, “If someone killed French, he’d still be a nobody”; I will bring it up with the most minor of segues for the rest of my life)

87) Red City Radio - “In The Shadows”

I tend to prefer Red City Radio playing more uptempo, but they drag us down to a slower speed for this one. This centers around the cryptic “I show no fear when I know that the devil’s here” line, and the guitar solo is definitely overqualified for the genre.

86) Kanye West - “Yikes”

/cracks knuckles

The song: banging chorus, solid beat, lyrics meh. Of course it was the song he got Drake for, because it’s the only one on his solo release that vaguely resembled a hit.

The album: Calling “ye” bad is a little unfair, but the best and realest description is sadder: it’s Kanye’s most inessential record. It was forgettable at best and cringeworthy/offensive at worst. The one about his daughter was particularly appalling:

Don't do no yoga, don't do pilates Just play piano and stick to karate I pray your body's draped more like mine And not like your mommy's

This doesn’t even get into the entirely warped mental health takes that I’m not nearly qualified enough to address.

Kanye himself: Every Kanye fan has defended Kanye, some Kanye fans have abandoned Kanye, but 2018 was legitimately the tipping point where it felt like we all finally had enough, in unification. Shock, betrayal, and disappointment are probably the best adjectives. When you are willing to forgive someone for 90% of their behavior, and they up their bullshit to 110%, an understandable separation must occur. At this point, the man we once called Yeezus is now the hip-hop Louis C.K.: no type of constructive or negative feedback can penetrate his brain, and any new attempts at creative output only make everything worse.

85) Royce da 5′9′’ f/ Eminem & King Green - “Caterpillar”

As lyrical as it gets on this list, but what else do you expect from Em and Royce? Not a huge fan of the chorus (at least that loud part in the first half). Eminem legit goes off for, like, ten lines with a pooping metaphor to close the song.

84) Nicki Minaj - “Barbie Dreams”

Staying in the redone Biggie songs lane, we have Nicki with a passive evisceration of your favorite male rapper. You can call it crass, but I’d argue her playfulness makes the whole thing work, combined with the fact that it’s flipping the male gaze on its head. And though she’s having fun, some of these movie punches catch real faces. My favorites:

3) “Drake worth a hundred mill, he always buyin' me shit / But I don't know if the pussy wet or if he cryin' and shit”

2) “I remember when I used to have a crush on Special Ed / Shoutout Desiigner 'cause he made it out of special ed”

1) “Had to cancel DJ Khaled, boy, we ain't speakin' / Ain't no fat n**** tellin' me what he ain't eatin'”

Goodbye forever, DJ Khaled.

83) Bad Bunny f/ Drake - “MIA”

I do social media for my high school alma mater’s football team, and this song first got on my radar when of the players tweeted something like “I can’t understand a word, but this is really good”. I was piqued, and it delivered. Nobody cultural appropriates quite like Drizzy Drake. Also, am I the only one who would have maybe been happier if the song was called “Bad Bunny” and the featured artist was M.I.A.?

82) Phoebe Bridgers - “Christmas Song”

Christmas songs are hard to write because they’re either taken or terrible, but Bridgers definitely carved out her own lane. This could work as a single person under a spotlight or sung by a group of lonely strangers finding camaraderie at a bar; within the song, you actually get both scenarios.

81) Remo Drive - “Blue Ribbon”

Got into this band for the first time in 2018, and though some of their older songs got more spins, this was my favorite from the new album.

80) The Sidekicks - “Twin’s Twist”

Mostly just impressed they were able to seamlessly integrate the “Chronic 2001″ into lyrics of a lighter rock song.

79) Real Friends - “From The Outside”

My favorite chorus they’ve ever written. While remaining thoroughly pop punk, the catchiness puts it more on the pop side of that spectrum.

78) Mike Posner - “Song About You”

Posner sounds like he’s barely trying, and it’s still so, so good. Favorite moment is this non-rhyme: “Since you’ve been gone, I got nothing to do / I sleep until noon, I wake up and feel bad”. It’s like a pop freestyle or something.

Also, extra shout out for how well he took his social media roasting after the Thanksgiving performance in Detroit. Love this dude.

77) Bad Religion - “The Kids Are Alt-Right”

What if I told you Bad Religion made a song with an intro that sounded like Andrew W.K.’s “Party Till You Puke” but were somehow still able to stay afloat? Hell, I’m confused too. The satirical lyrics mark 2018 for what it was. The pre-chorus, I remain torn on.

76) Blood Orange - “Saint”

You said it before

Looped keyboard beat over some smooth lyrics and melodies.

75) Juice WRLD - “Lucid Dreams”

I cannot change you so I must replace you

Still unclear how this *isn’t* a Post Malone song.

74) Tancred - “Queen Of New York”

Own the city.

73) We Were Sharks - “Drop The Act”

Ohhhhh, I love this production.

72) Cloud Nothings - “Leave Him Now”

This band continues to possess all of the melodic fury (and the Russell Westbrook of drummers).

71) Childish Gambino - “Summertime Magic”

Wasn’t big on “This Is America”*, so Glover releasing an ode to the best season as an alternative selection helped.

(* - at least not the song; vid was interesting)

70) The 1975 - “Love It If We Made It”

The 1975 are one of those bands where liking them makes you feel like an alien because everyone else either loves or dogs them. I’m keepin’ this casual, aight?

Also, since all writers are contractually obligated, we must mention the “Fucking in a car, shooting heroin” line which opens the song.

69) Kississippi - “Cut Yr Teeth”

Saw this band play in a classroom at a high school (google “BLED FEST”) in Michigan in May of 2018. They were fun, diverse, and covered Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle”. This tune is a little more serious and locked in.

68) Muncie Girls - “Picture Of Health”

Every part of this song is well-written, but it all builds to a massive chorus.

67) Justin Timberlake f/ Chris Stapleton - “Say Something”

There was a time, in January 2018, when not a ton of music had dropped yet, and this song was everywhere. It was like the dead-of-winter equivalent to the Song of the Summer. This one definitely gets docked some points for what I’d call weak lyricism. You can tell both dudes were way into it though, which does help make up for it some.

66) Interpol - “The Rover”

As speedy as I’ve ever heard Interpol; pretty unskippable.

65) Dashboard Confessional - “Catch You”

Imagine if this were the only Dashboard song you’d ever heard. You’d think they were, like, happy. Our protagonist has a trustworthy assurance that should put you at ease.

64) Gulfer - “Secret Stuff”

No singing on this list will alienate you faster than the first eight seconds of this one.

63) Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - “Talking Straight”

Though this feels like two band names in one, RBCF know exactly what they’re doing as it pertains to the actual songwriting. This would fit right in during the mid-2000s garage/indie rock boom; could listen to the chorus on a loop.

62) Rita Ora f/ Cardi B, Bebe Rexha & Charli XCX - “Girls”

This song has the unique distinction of being think pieced and outraged cycled before I even got a chance to hear a second of it. The case:

Now, it goes without saying that the best people to explain why this song feels damaging and hurtful to queer women are queer women themselves – girls who kiss girls whether they’ve been gulping back Malbec or not. “A song like this just fuels the male gaze while marginalizing the idea of women loving women,” wrote Hayley Kiyoko on Twitter. Kehlani said it has “many awkward slurs, quotes, and moments”. MUNA’s Katie Gavin noted that in ‘Girls’ she hears “the familiar chorus that women’s sexuality is something to be looked at instead of authentically felt”.

To her credit, Ora apologized the very same day that piece came out (PUN INTENDED). What’s weird is the idea of this song being problematic made me like it more. It gives the sexual flippancy of the chorus authenticity. I don’t know, man -- this stuff is complicated.

Not complicated? Cardi B’s awful green screen cameo featuring cheap looking special effects.

/shakes head in disappointment 

61) Eminem f/ Ed Sheeran - “River”

Though not apples to apples -- since he’s not spitting -- we shall remember this as the time Ed Sheeran > Eminem in a song.

Marshall remains our unquestioned king of the ‘relationship dysfunction’ genre.

60) Culture Abuse - “Calm E”

Everyone’s getting back together

The writers of the perfect and generational “Dream On” continue to stay in the mellow lane with their subsequent releases. When you can pull off both, why not?

59) Brian Fallon - “Silence”

Fallon covers -- /checks notes --  Marshmello f/ Khalid, but it really could be an original. Dude really knows how to pick ‘em. I remember hearing this randomly at Shinto (a sushi/hibachi place) in Naperville; don’t remember if it was this or the original. Such a moving chorus.

58) Okkervil River - “Don’t Move Back To LA”

Gotta appreciate the persistent sentiment -- even though it’d be the opposite of my advice. Also took about 99.9% of the year for me to stop calling this band “Overkill” River in my head.

57) Natalie Prass - “Short Court Style”

Uber catchy and with a real groove.

56) The Interrupters - “She’s Kerosene”

2018 Rancid, down to the raspy-ish singing from Aimee Allen.

55) boygenius - “Me & My Dog”

When I heard Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, and someone named Lucy Dacus were forming a super group, I was stoked. This tune was the one that jived the most with my vision of the project. Amazingly sick harmonies, dropping elbows on your heart like a professional wrestler, and introspection on introspection.

I wanna be emaciated I wanna hear one song without thinking of you I wish I was on a spaceship Just me and my dog and an impossible view

So, so, so, so good.

54) Shack Wes - “Mo Bamba”

How do you explain “Mo Bamba” to someone who doesn’t like rap? How do you explain “Mo Bamba” to someone who does like rap? I don’t know, but I am Teddy Bridgewater now.

53) Lil Dicky f/ Chris Brown, Ed Sheeran, DJ Khaled & Kendall Jenner - “Freaky Friday”

If you thought Rita Ora’s “Girls” was messy, allow me to introduce you to our last bad rap song on the list. Actually, maybe the Virginia Tech women’s lacrosse team would be a better candid--OHHHHH LADIES NO!!!!!!!!11111111

So yeah, whether it’s the most lightning rod word in American history, cultural appropriation, reverse cultural appropriation, or even just a good ol’ “I Blame Chris Brown” take, this attempt at comedy hip-hop got put under a microscope for all the right and wrong reasons. No one came out unscathed. But, like Ora’s song, if you can ignore some components (read: nearly everything), it’s so god damn fun, man. I mean, Dicky and Chris Brown swapped bodies -- pretty nuts. And it’s rare for an MVP line to be “How his dick staying perched up on his balls like that?”

52) Jay Rock f/ Kendrick Lamar, Future & James Blake - “King’s Dead”

I gotta go get it- I gotta go get it- I gotta go get it- I gotta go get it

The back half of the Future verse is the worst part about this song... yet the most fun to talk about. He raps auto-tuned, in falsetto... and these are the lyrics:

La di da di da, slob on me knob Pass me some syrup, fuck me in the car La di da di da, mothafuck the law Chitty chitty bang, murder everything

What a disgrace. Yet, almost like a whimsy 2 Chainz verse, it’s really fucking memorable.

51) Soccer Mommy - “Your Dog”

Noticeably good bassline? Check. Skin crawlingly bad band name? Check. Cool swearing? Yup.

50) Vince Staples - “FUN!”

Vince could rap his way out a bottomless pit; floating elevation flow.

49) Dan + Shay - “Tequila”

Tried so hard to get this one next to “Shitty Margarita”. Genuinely love this song. Maybe it’s the mountains in the music video, but that chorus just soars.

48) Meg Myers - “Numb”

Look up in the air and see this tidal wave chorus crashing through the world in slow motion.

47) The Penske File - “Fairgrounds”

My new working theory -- which really feels more like fact -- is how cool lyrics with the phrase “Meet me...” are. It creates this aura of unknown, mystery, and maybe even danger; like anything could happen if you just agree. Here are some from songs just off the top of my head:

Meet me by the lake

Meet me at the reservoir

Meet me in Montauk

Meet me in the middle (more on that one later)

Meet me in the back

Meet me at midnight

The list goes on. So please say “yes” to The Penske File at the fairgrounds, won’t you?

46) Lil Wayne f/ Swizz Beatz - “Uproar”

Weezy goes this entire song only using “oh” rhymes; not sure how he does it. Sometimes, I listen to this and pretend I’m a buffalo.

45) Cardi B - “Be Careful”

Cardi sampled Lauryn (wayyyyyyyy more on this later) and made it work. The chorus always sticks with me, and though the verses have a few bumps along the way, they might even be better.

44) Elway - “Crowded Conscience”

Elway pulls up their roots in this All Colorado Everything lyric video, and you’ll be ready to tap the Rockies when the singalong chorus finishes.

43) Pkew Pkew Pkew - “Passed Out”

A punk rock drinking song with a real bummer of a chorus for how happy the theme itself comes across.

42) Joyce Manor - “I Think I’m Still In Love With You”

I have no scientific proof, but Barry’s lyrics seem to be getting worse and worse. The drug references are still there, sure, but there’s an almost elementary simplicity to the proceedings. Still, like “Heart Tattoo”, this song doesn’t get in its own way and takes advantage of the basic words to create a big, big hook. You sing along even though it feels too easy at times.

41) Alkaline Trio - “Throw Me To The Lions”

So much desperation in the chorus; this could work as their last ever song.

40) The Bombpops - “Dear Beer”

My favorite opening line on this whole list -- the sweet and simple “I’m about to hit send / I’m waiting for the weekend”. Before you know it, a full blown self-loathing chorus. It’s got it all.

39) Foxing - “Lambert”

In quiet awe listening to this masterpiece of a song. Saw this band way up close in 2018 -- here is a picture:

Hello, Foxing

38) Lucero - “To My Dearest Wife”

Civil War soldier or rigorous rock and roll touring schedule? Either way, the Lucero singer misses his wife and family, and he’s gonna let you know they’re on his mind. I saw them open for Frank Turner in 2018, and he played their new album front to back -- before it had been released -- as their entire set because “I promised to do this when drunk on Instagram”. Gotta respect a man with principles.

37) BlocBoy JB f/ Drake - “Look Alive”

Favorite Drake hook of the year. BlocBoy JB... less necessary. Also kinda crazy to think we didn’t know who producer Tay Keith was at the beginning of 2018; definitely made his impression felt by the end.

36) The Front Bottoms - “Tie Die Dragon”

As psychedelic as I’ll ever get. Unless it’s, like, The Beatles. But that’s different.

35) The Lawrence Arms - “Laugh Out Loud”

Released on their Best Of record (legitimately titled “We Are The Champions Of The World) and an “Oh! Calcutta!” b-side from 2006, TLA prove even their leftovers can be a main course.

34) Tinashe f/ Future - “Faded Love”

I know he’s a rapper and she’s a singer, but nothing is more illustrative of how much harder women have to work compared to men than the 1:36 mark when Tinashe sensually sings “Let’s just feel this feeling”, doubled with Feature’s auto-tuned ass doing the exact same thing, only 10x worse. Not enough to taint the song, even a little. His verse, however...

33) Chance The Rapper - “65th & Ingleside”

Chance -- who almost always makes the correct choices -- did this super annoying thing where he released a bunch of songs in single batches in 2018.

“But Bobby, he gave you tons of free music! Why are you complaining?!”

Because we couldn’t easily sequence it, bruh. Look at this shit!:

Not even Drake would pull this stunt. EP next time, Chano.

Anyway.

Fun lines, really contagious beat, and a few types of flows; he spazzes at the end.

32) Complainer - “Drunk (Again)”

Gotta love when a song can’t start until multiple beer cans crack. These guys are a tiny band inspired-by-but-better-than Jeff Rosenstock, and I hope they get so much more traction.

31) ScHoolboy Q f/ Kendrick Lamar, Saudi & 2 Chainz - “X”

I LIVE ON TEN

Always read this title as the letter X even though the word “ten” is used 40 times in the song.

30) KIDS SEE GHOSTS (Kanye West & Kid Cudi) - “Reborn”

From Kanye’s only useful project in 2018 comes “Reborn”. Luckily, it’s mainly Cudi on this track (chorus/bridge/a verse). It feels like Ohio’s son is breaking through... or breaking out; verging on real triumph over his demons. Kanye, meanwhile, is surprisingly understated (read: good) and fits into all of his parts like a non-OJ glove. The sparing use of Yeezy reminds me of how the master himself used to feature people like Chief Keef just enough to harness the talent but not enough to ruin the song or do too much. Those alpha days appear to be way in the rearview now.

29) Travis Scott f/ Drake, Swae Lee & Big Hawk - “SICKO MODE”

Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain’t got a clue

This joins “Mo Bamba” in the Top 2 of Rap Songs That Need To Be Played At All Parties In The Year 2018. While “Bamba” is more consistent -- seriously, “SICKO MODE” is four songs in one -- almost nothing tops hearing the start of this and immediately anticipating the rest (like the opening of “Tuesday” when that was hot). The third part is probably my favorite. #likealight

28) SOB X RBE f/ Zacari & Kendrick Lamar - “Paramedic!”

Our third selection from the “Black Panther” soundtrack. Second favorite beat of 2018; I can’t not move the second it drops.

27) Drug Church - “Unlicensed Hall Monitor”

Favorite guitar leads of 2018. It’s as sleek as the vocals are gruff.

26) Matt And Kim - “FOREVER”

Was a dead tie between this and the equally emotional “Youngest I Will Be”. But this one has a vid -- and they make the best vids. This song also references the 1992 Dream Team. Our world will never be shit if they stay a part of it; first time I’ve came close to tearing up so far. These two inspire.

25) The Ramblin’ Boys Of Pleasure - “Joyce Jawbreaker”

Speaking of turrs, my band of 14 years released our maybe last song ever in 2018. Written in Maine, titled for Joyce Manor and Jawbreaker, and about lost love, Chicago, futures, playing music with your brothers, tiny hands, and found love. We also did a video:

24) Ariana Grande f/ Nicki Minaj - “the light is coming”

I really, truly am not excluding “thank u, next” to be contrarian. While I agree that is her defining song of 2018 -- and biggest hit to date? -- “the light is coming” is so much more unique. It goes in so many directions while the hook ties the rope around you a hundred times. Yep, I’m right.

23) Laura Jane Grace & The Devouring Mothers - “Apocalypse Now (& Later)”

Wish I could forever keep this song’s opening line as my mantra: You make me walk away from the hate I carry.

22) Restorations - “Nonbeliever”

Another band that should be bigger, so they can always be free to do anything they want. This song will always boil down to this part, which captures the push and pull of 2018 America:

I love your protest lines Oh, but who has the time? We all saw the same thing at the same time, okay? Got a partner for starters And a kid on the way Can’t be doing all this dumb shit no more

For how crass, clumsy, and non-rhyming that concludes, the song itself ends dire.

21) The Get Up Kids - “I’m Sorry”

One of my favorite videos of 2018. Similar to “Apocalypse Now (& Later)”, I’m not sure if it’s about a love interest or a kid. Does it matter? No. But it does to me.

20) Antarctigo Vespucci - “Freakin’ U Out”

A band name for the ages. With Chris Farren (of Fake Problems) on vox and Jeff Rosenstock on instruments, this song could power a car -- or at least one person who didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.

19) Bayside - “It Don’t Exist”

Anthony Raneri has a new grill, but this song feels 50 years old. A classic in real time.

18) The Carters - “APESHIT”

Is this artsy, all-time vid somewhat undermined by the Migos ad libs?

Yes.

/makes note to maybe dress up like this for Halloween next year

17) Post Malone f/ 21 Savage - “rockstar”

This song is so good -- albeit misogynist and also bad -- it makes me genuinely eager for a 21 Savage verse. And though I love any bars relating to his 12-car garage...

my favorite 21 savage quirk is his yearly 12 car garage updates:

2016: “why you got a 12 car garage?”

2017: “they like ‘savage why you got a 12 car garage / and you only got 6 cars?’”

2018: “why you got a 12 car garage? / cause i bought 6 new cars”

(via @ottergawd)

...his intro line is just so, so terrible: “I've been in the Hills fuckin' superstars / Feelin' like a popstar”. You know that’s... not really a rhyme, right?

16) Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness - “Ohio”

/will always, always death stare that dumb name to start any Andy section

Ah, but if we did start with a lyric?

Katie’s counting crows

This song is about leaving the worst state for one of the best. But if we’re doing that, why do we feel so melancholy?

15) Kendrick Lamar & SZA - “All The Stars”

You've gotta be mesmerizing to make Kung Fu Kenny look pedestrian, but SZA's galactic hook does just that.

14) Frank Turner - “1933″

Frank isn’t from here, but he’s setting out to remind us of where this all began.

13) The Wonder Years - “Sister Cities”

As far as pop punk legacies are concerned, The Wonder Years’ is secure. There is no longer necessity to churn out bangers; they’re already on the Mount Rushmore. Still, they go. Every part of this song is essential: the build up verses, blown out chorus, Panic! At The Disco 2005-era hi-hat off-time drum transitions, end-of-the-rope bridge. The true standout is the closing of V2:

I'm guarded like I'm wounded, my first instinct's always “run” I wanna turn to steam I wanna call it off I wanna lighten the dark I wanna swallow the sun

Good guitar leads add even extra.

12) YG f/ 2 Chainz, Big Sean & Nicki Minaj - “BIG BANK”

“Alexa, what does big bank do to little bank?”

The highlight line from each:

YG: “Ayy, I set the bar, I'm the fuckin' bar / Look in the sky, I'm a fuckin' star / I don't fall in love 'cause I be lovin' hard / Do everything like my shirt, extra large”

2 Chainz: “Big shit like a dinosaur did it”

Big Sean: “I'm rare as affordable health care”

Nicki: “Told em' I met Slim Shady, bagged a Em / Once he go black, he'll be back again”

Let this also be remembered as the song that created a Madden controversy.

11) Dean Summerwind - “Parked By The Lake”

What is there to say about the legend that is Dean Summerwind? With only one song on Spotify, he’s batting a clean 1.000. Calling this genius feels like an understatement. It’s real, it’s parody, it’s persistent, it’s ours.

10) The Dirty Nil - “Bathed In Light”

The Canadian Local H. Reaaaaaaaally wanna see them live in 2019.

9) oso oso - “gb/ol h/nf”

I stylized oso oso as “Oso Oso” last year to stick it to their frontman Jade, but a year later, I’ve lost the energy. Blame Ariana Grande. This song -- which stands for “goodbye old love, hello new friend”* -- has my favorite chorus of the year. It’s so simple, it’s obvious: “But I still come through, when you want / And if I serve no use, where do I get my purpose from?”

Also, this is indie/pop/punk/rock’s version of “SICKO MODE”: got more parts than “The Wire”.

(* - had to look that up multiple times in 2018 and never retained, despite it being the bridge of the song... I didn’t notice)

8) Kacey Musgraves - “Space Cowboy”

If any song *survives* the existence of this list, I hope it’s this one. Kacey has this predictable-yet-surprising way of taking existing tropes and co-opting them with her own twist. Homegirl is like the Jim Nantz of pop/country in that way.

7) Direct Hit! - “Welcome To Heaven”

This song makes me want to die to, you know, check. Blustering chorus, fascinating premise, and charged up while simultaneously patient/in control.

6) FIDLAR f/ The 90s - “Are You High?”

This not being on Spotify was one of the worst non-Michigan football things to happen to me in 2018. Man, I hate Michigan football.

5) Drake - “Nice For What”

- My favorite beat of 2018 (New Orleans bounce, ftw)

- My favorite release of 2018 - Drizzy said it would drop on a Friday - We were thinking morning or midday (not late evening, in the last remaining hours of the day, when were were faded and had waited so long it was almost forgotten -- it hit perfect) - On top of that, he also sampled Lauryn Hill’s “Ex-Factor” -- the same week Cardi B did the same -- with even more pulsating results - I will always interpret that as a real or sneak diss, yet no one I know has ever said anything

- My buddy Josh sent a selfie vid of him and his girl and some friends bopping to it; I’ll remember that forever; the moment felt like such an event, as if the world simultaneously celebrated at such an atypical time

- Drake deserves 30% less credit for this female empowerment anthem because of the “these hoes” sample

- Maybe a Top 5 Drake song, all-time

- There is no planet, solar system, or multiverse where 2018 Drake finishes ahead of 2018 Pusha T

4) Pusha T - “The Story Of Adidon”

You are hiding a child.

Let’s not mince words: this is the No. 2 greatest diss track of all time. Pac is No. 1 -- this will not be debated. From there, Nas is DQ’d for “Ether” homophobia, annnnnnd no one else is in the realm. King Push...

- Unearthed a photo of Drake in blackface and uses it as the art for the song - Goes at Drake’s mom (”Marriage is something that Sandi never had...”) - Goes at Drake’s dad (”Dennis Graham stay off the 'gram, bitch, I'm on one”) - Outs Drake for having a child (and hiding said child!*) - Goes at Drake’s baby momma - And -- /gulp -- goes at Drake’s longtime producer 40 for having multiple sclerosis, suggesting he will not be alive soon**

He does this over “The Story Of O.J.” beat... a rather chill backdrop, all things considered.

(* - Drake responded later with the line “I wasn’t hiding my kid from the world, I was hiding the world from my kid” which just isn’t cool at all but is competent enough to win some people back over; /barf)

(** - HOLY FUCK***)

(*** - much debate occurred in the aftermath regarding if Push “went too far”; I was 50-50 at the time but now am 100-0 that it was the right choice; this song is cyanide venom, so why pull back even an ounce?)

Though Drake survived -- turns out the mainstream pop boost is bigger than hip-hop beef -- he took the fattest of L’s on this one.

Really can’t decide on a lyrical ending, so I’m gonna go with two:

Surgical summer.

If we all go to hell, it’ll be worth it.

3) Spanish Love Songs - “Buffalo Buffalo”

In my head, this was gonna end up ahead of The Menzingers, but that would be like putting Greta Van Fleet ahead of Zeppelin. Spanish Love Songs were my breakout band of 2018. They released my favorite album, I saw them as an opener at Sub-T in Chicago, and I promised their bassist I’d see them in Florida at the Fest (this did not materialize). While their vocals and guitar leads sound identical to Scranton’s finest, if you listen to them as much as I did, you’ll realize they offer a sound and perspective* of their own as well.

(* - no one hates themselves more than this singer)

2) The Menzingers - “Toy Soldier”

There’s so much to be sad about these days

/that guitar intro

Followed by the best musical moment of this year: from 0:06 to 0:07 -- the ever-so-slight delay before the band blows it out. Spent a lot of time in 2018 debating if I should change my Twitter bio to “I lost my accent in the plague”. Listened to this song on the floor of the living room on my 32nd birthday; then I read “The Great Gatsby”. From there (at this point, it was past midnight), I realized this sounded like The Lawrence Arms’ “Requiem Revisited”, which was inspired by Naked Raygun’s “Soldiers Requiem”. It’s all a triangle of that perfectly fitting punk chord progression. That’s right: I am Pepe Silvia.

1) Horror Squad - “I Smoke The Blood”

Best song title of 2018. Best song of 2018.

This has 729 views on YouTube -- be the 730th.

Spotify playlist.

Thank you for reading.

[maggiehaha]

Everyone’s a fan of someone... with Will Hill

When I started writing UNCONVENTIONAL, I knew it was going to be set across a series of fan conventions, and it was going to involve a lot of books. A lot. Partly, this is because at least some of the inspiration came from my visit to the very first YALC a few years ago, and partly because it’s a story about the things and the people we love… and I really, really love books.

During one scene in the book, Lexi points out that everyone’s a fan of someone… and that’s absolutely true. When I came up with the idea of asking a couple of UKYA authors whether they’d be willing to appear in a cameo, I wanted them to be people I’m a fan of - and wonderfully, they all said yes (proving beyond a doubt that UKYA people are the best, most generous and most fun people.)

I first met Will Hill - unsurprisingly - at a convention, years ago: at the time (yes, I was there from the beginning...) he was just about to publish his first book, DEPARTMENT 19: the first of a fantastic series about a secret government division dedicated to fighting the fiercest, scariest vampires I’ve ever read. I loved it. I’ve been a fan of his writing ever since, and am incredibly fortunate to be able to call him a friend - because apart from being a brilliant writer, he is one of the smartest, kindest people I know.

This meant I was lucky enough to read an early draft of his next book, which absolutely BLEW MY MIND. It’s gorgeous and touching and heartfelt, and the world it’s set in is so real that you could look up from the page, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the middle of the desert. It’s all there: the heat, the dust, the silence... all of it. I, for one, can’t wait to see it as a finished book, and I cannot WAIT for everyone else to read it.

But the best person to tell you about it is Will himself.

My new novel is called After The Fire and it publishes in summer 2017. It’s very… different to everything else I’ve written. It’s about a seventeen-year-old girl called Moonbeam, who has grown up in an end of the world religious cult in the Texas desert. In the aftermath of the cult’s violent demise, she tells her story to the authorities, while trying to decide if she can ever tell the whole truth to anyone, or whether there are some secrets she is just going to have to carry with her forever…

Seriously. Cannot. Wait.

That’s why I’m a fan of Will’s... but who is he a fan of? Read on and find out!

1. What book is your 'Piecekeepers'? Was there one in particular that you wished you could live in - or that changed everything for you - when you were Lexi's age?

Northern Lights by Philip Pullman. I was fifteen when it came out, and I didn’t read it until a couple of years later – I was deep into the early stages of my lifelong love affair with Stephen King at that point, was discovering the world of adult literature (including Donna Tartt’s The Secret History, which was the other contender for my answer to this question), and wasn’t really reading children’s books. But I kept seeing it in bookshops, and people kept telling me how good it was, so I eventually decided to jump in before The Subtle Knife was published.

 I loved Lyra and Pantalaimon instantly, and I flew through the pages in a few hours, unable to put it down until I knew what happened. But what really struck me, and what has always stuck me with since, is the world that Pullman created. It seemed so effortless and so completely convincing: of course everyone has a daemon, of course the Magisterium run everything, of course it’s possible to travel to parallel worlds through the northern lights, and of course polar bears wear armour and can talk. It all fit together so beautifully, and it’s written with such envy-inducing skill that you never question it and it never gets in the way of the story – it’s the feeling that any question you might have he will know the answer to, that he’s done every bit of the work behind the scenes even though he doesn’t need to show it all to you.

 I think it’s a masterpiece, in the true sense of the word.

 (SEMI-INTERESTING SIDENOTE: I was a bookseller at Waterstones Trafalgar Square for several years during and after university (this would have been the very late 1990s and early 2000s) and I got asked when The Amber Spyglass was coming out so many more times than when the new Harry Potter was publishing. Seems hard to imagine that now, given the world domination that was just around the corner for the Boy Who Lived…)

2. What's your favourite convention memory, and what would your dream convention event be?

I’ve been on great panels at conventions, met some of my heroes, and had people come up to me to tell me they loved something I’ve written, but my favourite con memories tend to be the smaller stuff. It’s usually the point, somewhere around midnight, when everyone is in the bar and everyone is tired (but hopefully happy) after a long day and you’re with your friends (sometimes ones you’ve just met) and everyone is talking and laughing and you see the best of the weird thing called fandom, that is so various and so diverse but is always based on the same central idea: that you want to share the things you love with other people. Conventions have always been the ideal place to do that, and I hope that doesn’t change.

3. Everyone's a fan of someone: who are you a fan of, and why?

Bruce Springsteen. I’ve seen him half a dozen times live, and have listened to every one of his albums more times than I can possibly remember. I’m a bit of an America-phile, and his songs speak to both the romantic, mythical version of the US and the real country full of real people, with all their flaws and failures. He’s a storyteller almost without equal, who does more in four or five minutes than most writers do in four hundred pages. And there is nothing like seeing him live – I’m an atheist, but his gigs are the closest I’ve come to a religious experience. Thousands of joyously happy people, all there for the same reason: to sing and dance and cheer and be part of something bigger than themselves for a few hours.

4. Which Hogwarts house do you belong to... and if you could override the Sorting Hat, would you choose a different one? (And why?)

I’m a Slytherin. I had lost my account details when Pottermore got updated so I had to be sorted again, and out came the green and silver for a second time. I’m OK with it now. I suspect most people want to be a Gryffindor (for all JK may claim that the houses all have their positives, there are an overwhelming number of awesome Gryffindors!) and part of me was hoping that was where I would end up, but if we all got put in the same house there would be no need for houses.

 And hey – we’ve got Merlin. And Snape. And Regulus Black. And… actually, the less said about the rest of the alumni is probably better. Our Quidditch robes are a nice green, though.

5. What's the best thing about the YA book tribe?

 It has to be the supportiveness. Several of my closest friends are YA writers, and we lean on each other whenever we need to. It would be naïve to claim that nobody ever gets jealous when someone signs a big deal or has a book do incredibly well, but on the whole, people stick up for each other and support each other and cheer when good things happen. It’s always reassuring to have people you can talk to when things aren’t going well – when your characters won’t behave or your story has stopped making sense – who’ve been through those same moments themselves.

 That supportiveness extends to the wider community as well, the bloggers and reviewers and booksellers and – most importantly – readers who care about YA. They champion the books that connect with them, and they give authors the kind of tough love that is often needed – they’re not unconditionally positive, because that wouldn’t mean anything, and they won’t hesitate to call things out when they need to. But they love books, and writing, and they shout about both at the top of their voices.

 You can follow Will on Twitter and Instagram, or find him on his website.