#seraphblogs

[seraphbliss]

apr. 1 happy april fool's day x_x

march wanted to see me rot and enter spring as nutrients for the newly emerging flora. at times i wish i took the offer. i feel like i keep ruining shit. the month droned on and on and on, and i realized some things. times are changing and so am i. it's better that my expansive friend group has narrowed down to three people—not everyone around me want to see me change. to be honest, i don't know if i'm changing in ways i like, either.

theres a lingering guilt that sits beside me on the bus. i walk home with it, watch it watch me from my window. no conflict started this month had a resolution. my friend updates me on people i've lost. i feel like a unwilling voyeur. i know why she does it, but it feels like the hour after i scrutinize my face: flakey, bleeding scabs that are painful to look at, worse to touch. it's my fault she does it. had i not fell out with those people she wouldn't want to tell me about their seemingly loser-esque lives. but it doesn't bring me peace. instead, i feel confused and even hypocritical. it's not like i feel too good at the moment, either. i'll never pretend to be holier than thou when it comes to drama. i hate speaking in those terms. i don't throw stones and hide my hand. in fact, i will tell you when i'm throwing the stone and how hard. i'm pro confrontation because i'm pro let's get this shit over with. but that's not happening at the moment. i think it's time that i stop this entire mess from sprawling further than what it already has. other people that i care about, that had nothing to do with the initial conflict, are negatively impacted by it, and for that i feel responsible. this morning i sit across from someone i know i need to stop being friends with and smile and wave. i'm acting like one of the things i hate the most: a coward. a wise victoria walker once said, "it hurts now to smile, it hurts more to breathe. it makes me so angry, all i do is grit my teeth."

i found my dad's facebook, and i am like him, i guess. there's something to be said about how i look most like him when i'm smiling hard. i'm in an odd spot in my transition where i pass online and nowhere else. i hope that in auckland i can medically transition without many social or emotional hiccups. i'm giving up a lot by going. honestly, i'm giving up everything that i wanted to keep and the remainder is what i've been trying to get away from for so long. five months before i'm eighteen when i'll be starting uni, and after, i'll be on my own. in those five months, i'll be in this weird limbo still with my mom. i don't think it's fair that i still have to play pretend while everything in my life moves on, just to appease my mom. its fucked that i have to, since my conditional offer requires that she be there until i'm an adult. i mean it when i say all i do is take shit on the chin. it's just annoying to deal with at this point. when people tell you who they are, believe them. this goes both ways.

i quit my job saturday. i feel good about this even though i'll miss my coworkers and the environment. i need money for the summer. my birthday is in july, and i plan to make the most of this extended vacation before college. i don't want to grow up, in all honesty. i say that, ignoring that i already have. i take on an extended amount of responsibilities for someone my age. i'm probably well off for it, but damn does it suck to be so disillusioned so young. so, my summer break will be real nostalgic. movie marathons with my grandma, super soakers, crackly nail polish. i owe it to myself to enjoy it without guilt. i expect to have several sd cards full of my memories captured in my digicam.

getting better at capturing likeness. i accidentally happened upon creating a self portrait. i look good as a man and it shows. i do keep up with my appearance to an obsessive extent at times, which leads to all the gross acne scars and scabs i have on my skin. if only i were a creature of habit instead of mania—i could just do my skincare routine instead of picking at my face until it bleeds. all for the sake of aurafarming. sunday night i went buck wild trying to capture my image in video. i think the reason i had such a hard time was because i didn't have vine or musically as a kid, and didn't post myself during the short time that i had tiktok two years ago. i can't say i'm unnatural in front of cameras, because i will take many pictures of myself pretty frequently. i'm being reminded of when i was punished by my dad for having a lot of selfies and being called conceited for it. i know i'm vain, but i still find that hilarious. it was not funny at the time, though.

i'm still over dating and relationships but i will always be an attention whore. the huzz luv tanz but not enough to really care that much. most people are just imagining who they want me to be so i'm disengaged from the start. roster so dry i'm disgusted by everyone on it (1.5 persons). thankful that i'm over that one guy from last october. it's true, you really do just realize you've moved on while getting ready for work one day several months removed.

looking forward to lots of music this month. definitely 2hollis getting the first listen on friday. waiting patiently for unmusique, pinkpantheress mixtape too. i'm going to buy my bôa ticket towards the end of the month. starting my new side job at the racetrack, which i'm actually excited for. i've always been vaguely interested in racing and cars from an aesthetic standpoint. the technical aspects seem too confusing for me to get into it at this point. maybe that will change soon. i still haven't gotten that macbook—ebayK i will be winning a bid this month even if i need to threaten someone to do so. i have therapy for the first time in about three years today. i'll probably begin to talk about those sessions here. despite the absolute bullshit that was march, i think april will look better for me.

[seraphbliss]

mar. 10

it's monday, so there's that. made it to another week! i have a lot to process. i haven't caught up with myself in that sense. the latter half of february got so weird, so fast. i've been embracing being a newgen, though, which is great. i love listening to emo songs everyone knows and realizing yeah these guys were onto something! i got to listen to tastemaker by bby goyard, which was decent. definitely a different direction than what i was expecting from him, but i can appreciate the attempt to try. i'll do a seraphtunes write up about it.

i've started drawing again. i've been doing graphic design since forever. it's one of my favorite hobbies. i realized, when applying to colleges back in september and october, that my portfolio is pretty lackluster. colleges expect diverse portfolios: sketches, studies, forms. i had, like, two complete pieces and hella graphics. i was worried that since a lot of my design works were for the same thing, that it would fall flat. but it didn't, and i got into my top school. it sucks that i couldn't really celebrate, because i know i can't accept the offer. it just isn't ideal to stay in america right now. i'm a superminority, i fear. they gon' get me... but of course, it's not like i can't come back. if things are fine a few years down the line, i can reapply. that school has a doctorate in design, and i'd like to teach the major eventually, so having a phd would be sick.

i just lost a close friend. irl moots i know you're SICK of me talking about this. get well soon i'm still grieving and therefore will still be talking about it. there's a seraphblogs post from the beginning of february that almost makes me think i'm naive. but i know now that i truly have every reason to be enraged. i lost a friend because their partner is an obsessive coward that can't get over the fact that i didn't want them. i'm realizing the true extent of how far people will go to hurt others. there is an evil in their partner that cannot be fixed. i do not ever want to know what it takes to be that dark hearted. i chose the high road last night, deciding against embarrassing them on every public platform i have. i hate being angry because i feel like it relinquishes my control.

my daily affirmation is: get over yourself. i have to remind myself of this throughout the day and into the night. i spent my latest check on clothes. most anticipating the i'llstopstabbingwhenyoustopscreaming chiodos zip up. i'm cool and pseudo-intellectual with all my weird outfits and accessories but i genuinely be going insane internally. my outfits are high effort but i rarely feel like putting in that effort. i do it for myself, but i'm just burnt out by everything. i just can't be bothered 6 days out of the week. truly the consequences of taking shit on the chin. i'm good at it because it's all i do but one day i'm gonna stop being the bigger person and i fear literally everyone will hate me. i'm really into curating my appearance and vibe on the internet. i'm starting to pass really well, seems like. guess it really is a mindset thing. i also basically got integrated into the black scene scene (lol) that exists on instagram. i don't know why i keep ending up in scene spaces i don't go here guys. love those freaks though.

i'm looking for another job. i love my coworkers, at least the ones that remain after everyone started to leave. finding out that one of my coworkers is nonbinary was so funny. i should've known—cis people don't listen to ecco2k AND sniper2004. they know the evilgiane lore. i found out from them that the reason our store manager left is because he highkey wasn't doing his job. apparently all of us are missing money bcs he wasn't putting in our hrs, and we also failed two inventories (technically not his fault people just steal like crazy). i liked my store manager a lot, but fucking with my money is cray. however, him leaving the store was basically a self sacrifice. if he hadn't, especially since the district manager is coming in the summer, district can come in at any time and fire all of us. it gets wild.

today, i look forward to watching a film with @/miotxro after classes on tuesday. i'll cook something nice if i feel up for it, or take it on the chin and have pork (my family ordered the most tanzphobic pizza. wdym pepperoni and bacon i Cannot Eat That) even though i don't want it. i'm going to draw and maybe clean when i get home. honestly, i just want to eat and take a 6hr nap. i feel uneasy about the week ahead.

[seraphbliss]

you will

??? okay i am.

[seraphbliss]

wake and bake did me so dirty i was supposed to play ts4 but i was watching binging w babish and got so hungry for a grilled cheese sandwich that i had to stop and go make one

on ciabatta

pesto garlic butter (garlic, pesto, parm—combine w butter)

fry the fuck out that bread twin medium high heat. looking to see some brown parm

mozzarella, cover your pan

mozzo melty? FLIP IT OVER AND FRY (technically optional but i luh the lil crunch)

(optional: add a slice of turkey but that technically removes the grilled cheese aspect)

combine bread 1 with bread 2. grilled cheese da seraphblazed (haha 🍃) way

most importantly, do not go cheap on bread. the yummy insides will not save you from the experience of substituting a nice bread with whole wheat.

[seraphbliss]

hi what'd i miss ?

[seraphbliss]

feb 1st.

my first real blog here! neat :3

as of right now, this account is sterile and lacking all of the fun context needed for silly future shitposts. fixing that by explaining my week.

sunday was my most recent work shift. it's slow szn and i barely get hours. it's not really okay because wages are low too, but at the very least, i like my coworkers. most of them. i work today in about 4.5 hrs, but it would've been abt 2 if i hadn't swapped w/ someone. i only did it because i feel the need to prove myself reliable, since i turned down the same girl 2x already. at work, i carry around a pumpkin kitty plushie.

monday, i watched the stepford wives (2004). me and my friend meant to watch (1975) but it was a treat in and of itself. very on the nose feminist theory mostly and pretty progressive for a mid 2000s film. did not like the monologues, but claire's said a Lot about patriarchy. without reading into the gender essentialism littered throughout, she just wanted to stand at the top of her career with her husband and not have to compartmentalize all the time. to "be the man" is to lead a lonely, emotionally absent life and she didn't want that. she wanted to feel, and to run her world. people of all genders should be able to do that! claire just went about it so terribly wrong bless her heart. also adored nicole kidman with that short cut—an absolutely stunning woman. i also started teaching myself trad art again. i'll eventually take more pictures of my life with my digicam (that aren't obnoxious aurafarming self portraits). expect personal pics soon.

tuesday began my last semester of high school. i have no complaints. my teachers are fine, i get along with my classmates, the courses don't seem hard (little worried about math. never my strong suit.), and i get to leave early. the guy i used to fawn over in august was really excited to tell me about his crush. laughing at disappointment is great but you've still got to deal with your feelings.

wednesday, i listened to marry me by kanii. the temptations haunt me. you want me; girl, don't i know?

i opened my playlist in a bottle from 2024 on thursday. the song for my favorite person was from deathconsciousness and the song i planned to kiss someone to was strawberry cream by oeil. it's actually ridiculous how much changed within a year, often within the span of a week. the note i left read: i <3 u hope ur good. that night i had rice, tempura shrimp, and kimchi while i worked on finishing designing a magazine.

yesterday, i set up this blog and mentally prepared to be at home alone for another 2-3 months. i called up a friend to watch the substance (2024) together. i didn't have any expectations for this movie bcs i never saw any trailers, and i watched it terribly late. this was just evil freaky friday or any other bodyswap trope. it didn't explore the concept in any new way and was sooooo long for it not to, which was really disappointing. i found myself questioning why sue and elizabeth were at odds w/ each other so intensely from the start if "they are one." like shouldn't their motivations align, and they, like, find it in their best interest to keep each other alive and well? i understand satire and whatnot and i get the message (beauty standards bad. Okay.) but i just don't think this film really had anything important to say. the body horror was amazing and then progressively got worse and tacky and excessive and it made me sad bcs some of the scenes were especially uncomfortable. i dunno, this movie just wasn't doing it for me.

today, all is not lost. i'll play animal crossing with my friends, clean my room a bit, and close at work even though i hate closing on saturdays.

[seraphbliss]

mar. 20

got a thing for long-form logs on a 10 day cycle, i think. it's decent enough pacing, in my opinion. all the stuff that i was anticipating in my last full entry, did happen! also including the horrors. it's been a very emotionally taxing month. every other day i've been given more reasons to not miss much about my current circumstances.

i got to watch mickey 17 in theaters. definitely a great watch, especially for $6 and an empty theater. i loved this movie so much. i think it shows that film is an art form before it's a business. most importantly, the movie is great because it's not saying anything. not to say it's completely apolitical (especially w the elon musk + trump mashup that was marshall) but it's certainly not the point of the film. i love that it really hones in on building the world that the characters are in and lets the audience ponder on how it reflects our world. loved the casting and character dynamics. mickey being a silly boyfailure loser with a dorky voice an absolutely whipped for his girlfriend truly made my day. i'm not sure if the movie itself was funny or if mine and @/miotxro 's commentary in the was making it funny but i definitely enjoyed myself. it's nice to see the main love interest be black and canonically dating the lead, survive, and also stand up as a character without just being a lover to the lead. there were so many intimate moments that had nothing to do with the sex (still gas, first unnecessary sex scene that i'm not mad at. #puriteen) that just had me awwing and me and whoing. mickey and nasha are truly the only straight people to exist. a silly scifi with satire that understands its audience. i would say this movie is camp but it's not bad at all. would recommend!

i think i'm into letting shit go now. i don't recall if i've ever discussed my romantic life here but it's generally boring, especially right now. who would've thought an "underground musician" would be pretentious about what other people listen to? that's one of my biggest icks. i hate when people treat rap especially as a lower art form (or not acknowledge it as one at all). people like that bore me. they don't have the range to appreciate music for what it is. ironically, it came from a conversation about music by playboi carti. i did enjoy the album, but i found it bloated and the lack of bridges and third (sometimes second) verses take a lot away from the project. i expected something with a better developed sound and general vision given the wait. wlr > music. i gave it a solid 5/10. my favorites were pop out, opm babi, and fine shit.

my english class is such a fucking drag. i really love writing (obviously) and i'd become a journalist if it didn't mean i'd be risking getting shot on a regular basis. the texts aren't engaging (nor tied to topics relevant to the text or english at all??? lots of aimless lessons) and we're expected to write analyses and essays with this weird format. i think writing an essay following a template is ridiculous to begin with, but especially when said template oversimplifies writing to be absolutely redundant. in an honors class taught by a college prep teacher i should not have to write like my intended audience is five years old.

my chiodos hoodie did in fact arrive. worth the $73. totally cannot wear it in school, especially since i already get stopped by security guards so often, but i'll get some good wear out of it at home and at work. although, i generally go topless at home #boychest. every time i think about top surgery i get all giddy and blushy and excited like i'm crushing on someone. maybe it's self-infatuation. either way, i don't care. i deserve to glaze myself. speaking of work, though, it's time for me to leave. i've got an interview at the racetrack next week after midterms. working in the mall has been interesting, though. a couple of people came rollerblading through my store during my last shift. it's stuff like that that makes me want to stay, but my pay is absolutely abysmal. having a hellish weekend and then just having a $100 check has to be illegal in some way. they do owe me money though, i just have to figure out how to get it. i also met the new manager last weekend. he's just some guy, don't really have an opinion on him. ready to leave, still.

the end of this month is looking like change. i hope i can enjoy my spring break when it comes. hoping to relax.

[seraphbliss]

it's okay, i'm here now.

[seraphbliss]

grey days with my friends always make me feel better. we walked and ate and watched a movie and played video games and life is just so simple on a random saturday that i call off for. i'm so close to everyone on a full sized bed and about to fall off, pose for the digicam while i hit the floor.

i was the last to go home; i shared a joint with the host. we fucked up the first one, it fell apart and wouldn't hold a light. i had to point out that the sticks in the cone box are to pack it. you know, since there's a first for everything. they smoke prerolls, i keep a cart. the second one was a success, at least. faced it together, and i've never been so warm on a february night.

i woke up this morning at home in my own full sized bed, laptop still open and displaying a windowed shot of us all together. i miss them all already.

[seraphbliss]

feb. 7 happy friday ( ◠‿◠ )

a few nights ago, i spoke with a friend about the same topic we seem to end up on every time we talk alone. some unavoidable elephant in the room that we inspect from different angles each time. the conversation prior, i overstepped a bit. i learned that, with the overwhelm of my own emotions and the attitude i had towards the person we discussed, i had frightened that person. i've never considered that i could be scary.

i had to apologize. at least, to my friend. their relationship to the person we talked about is different, intimate. the vitriol i had for their partner was painful for them to hear.

this time, our conversation was as vulnerable as it usually is. although, instead of anger, i discussed my guilt and second thoughts on the whole situation.

yet, nothing has moved forward. not outwardly. i still avoid his partner, complain about them and what they did to me. it doesn't do anything for me, but an intervention or even pretending to be cordial isn't an option. on my blog you can only get my perspective. skewed in favor of tanz and what i saw and experienced. but, i don't find this person worthy of forgiveness. it would be a disservice to myself to forgive.

it's been 6 months and i'm still here, sweeping my balcony and considering the blunt i could've shared with them and the tray of macarons we split last time they came over. but i understand that i'm at a point in my life where i can't reconcile their reported fawning with the seething anger that they carried towards me. i'm the type of person that blocks <1 person per year, but that person is out of my life entirely. they're past that point. i don't see what even attempting to rekindle our friendship would do for me at this point. i'll bury it. because i can, because i should. it's disappointing and anticlimactic and doesn't fuel the ego, but i can't bring myself to be bothered about it anymore.

[seraphbliss]

2hollis clutched just in time for spring break.

[seraphbliss]

the body keeps score is a great read.

“If you ignore your feelings they will get your attention in other ways.”

— Kathy Kalina

[seraphbliss]

guy beside me in class is calling a friend from instagram so they can invest in some stock together. listening to that one evil devious sinister ass chiodos album. math next period. everyone moves to the left in their own way. life WILL be good.

[seraphbliss]

i DID get into aut, if anyone remembers me mentioning it. moving overseas is a daunting task. i must remember that we imagine the future with the feelings we hold now. patience, things have no choice but to change.

[seraphbliss]

where do you guys shop the most (for anything)? i'm nosey.

[seraphbliss]

how it feels closing at the mall and being the last employees to leave...