#september current affairs

[gswalebhaiya22]

"Insights & Updates: Your September Month Current Affairs"|September Month Current Affairs

हेलो दोस्तों आज हम पढ़ेंगे सितंबर माह के संपूर्ण करंट अफेयर्स जो की आने वाली हर प्रतियोगी परीक्षाओं के लिए महत्वपूर्ण होंगे: September Month Current Affairs: हाल ही में किसने भारत के पहले सौर शहर के रूप स्थान दर्ज किया है?A. भोपालB.सांचीC.इंदौरD. लखनऊ B उत्तर प्रदेश की किस जिले की पुलिस ने वरिष्ठ नागरिकों की सहायता के लिए ‘सवेरा’ योजना शुरू की है?A.प्रयागराजB. कानपुरC.आगराD. लखनऊA हाल ही में…

[wachinyeya]

Legislation passed last year allows federally recognized tribes to practice cultural burning freely once they reach an agreement with the California Natural Resources Agency and local air quality officials.

Northern California’s Karuk Tribe, the second largest in California, becomes the first tribe to reach such an agreement.

(Feb. 27, 2025, Noah Haggerty)

Northern California’s Karuk Tribe has for more than a century faced significant restrictions on cultural burning — the setting of intentional fires for both ceremonial and practical purposes, such as reducing brush to limit the risk of wildfires.

That changed this week, thanks to legislation championed by the tribe and passed by the state last year that allows federally recognized tribes in California to burn freely once they reach agreements with the California Natural Resources Agency and local air quality officials.

The tribe announced Thursday that it was the first to reach such an agreement with the agency.

“Karuk has been a national thought leader on cultural fire,” said Geneva E.B. Thompson, Natural Resources’ deputy secretary for tribal affairs. “So, it makes sense that they would be a natural first partner in this space because they have a really clear mission and core commitment to get this work done.”

In the past, cultural burn practitioners first needed to get a burn permit from the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection, a department within the Natural Resources Agency, and a smoke permit from the local air district.

The law passed in September 2024, SB 310, allows the state government to, respectfully, “get out of the way” of tribes practicing cultural burns, said Thompson.

For the Karuk Tribe, Cal Fire will no longer hold regulatory or oversight authority over the burns and will instead act as a partner and consultant. The previous arrangement, tribal leaders say, essentially amounted to one nation telling another nation what to do on its land — a violation of sovereignty. Now, collaboration can happen through a proper government-to-government relationship.

The Karuk Tribe estimates that, conservatively, its more than 120 villages would complete at least 7,000 burns each year before contact with European settlers. Some may have been as small as an individual pine tree or patch of tanoak trees. Other burns may have spanned dozens of acres.

“When it comes to that ability to get out there and do frequent burning to basically survive as an indigenous community,” said Bill Tripp, director for the Karuk Tribe Natural Resource Department, “one: you don’t have major wildfire threats because everything around you is burned regularly. Two: Most of the plants and animals that we depend on in the ecosystem are actually fire-dependent species.”

The Karuk Tribe’s ancestral territory extends along much of the Klamath River in what is now the Klamath National Forest, where its members have fished for salmon, hunted for deer and collected tanoak acorns for food for thousands of years. The tribe, whose language is distinct from that of all other California tribes, is currently the second largest in the state, having more than 3,600 members.

Trees of life

Early European explorers of California consistently described open, park-like woods dominated by oaks in areas where the forest transitions to a zone mainly of conifers such as pines, fir and cedar.

The park-like woodlands were no accident. For thousands of years, Indigenous people have tended these woods. Oaks are regarded as a “tree of life” because of their many uses. Their acorns provide a nutritious food for people and animals.

Indigenous people have used low-intensity fires to clear litter and underbrush and to nurture the oaks as productive orchards. Burning controls insects and promotes growth of culturally important plants and fungi among the oaks.

Debris, brush and small trees consumed by low-intensity fire.

The history of the government’s suppression of cultural burning is long and violent. In 1850, California passed a law that inflicted any fines or punishments a court found “proper” on cultural burn practitioners.

In a 1918 letter to a forest supervisor, a district ranger in the Klamath National Forest — in the Karuk Tribe’s homeland — suggested that to stifle cultural burns, “the only sure way is to kill them off, every time you catch one sneaking around in the brush like a coyote, take a shot at him.”

For Thompson, the new law is a step toward righting those wrongs.

“I think SB 310 is part of that broader effort to correct those older laws that have caused harm, and really think through: How do we respect and support tribal sovereignty, respect and support traditional ecological knowledge, but also meet the climate and wildfire resiliency goals that we have as a state?” she said.

The devastating 2020 fire year triggered a flurry of fire-related laws that aimed to increase the use of intentional fire on the landscape, including — for the first time — cultural burns.

The laws granted cultural burns exemptions from the state’s environmental impact review process and created liability protections and funds for use in the rare event that an intentional burn grows out of control.

“The generous interpretation of it is recognizing cultural burn practitioner knowledge,” said Becca Lucas Thomas, an ethnic studies lecturer at Cal Poly and cultural burn practitioner with the yak titʸu titʸu yak tiłhini Northern Chumash Tribe of San Luis Obispo County and Region. “In trying to get more fire on the ground for wildfire prevention, it’s important that we make sure that we have practitioners who are actually able to practice.”

The new law, aimed at forming government-to-government relationships with Native tribes, can only allow federally recognized tribes to enter these new agreements. However, Thompson said it will not stop the agency from forming strong relationships with unrecognized tribes and respecting their sovereignty.

“Cal Fire has provided a lot of technical assistance and resources and support for those non-federally recognized tribes to implement these burns,” said Thompson, “and we are all in and fully committed to continuing that work in partnership with the non-federally-recognized tribes.”

Cal Fire has helped Lucas Thomas navigate the state’s imposed burn permit process to the point that she can now comfortably navigate the system on her own, and she said Cal Fire handles the tribe’s smoke permits. Last year, the tribe completed its first four cultural burns in over 150 years.

“Cal Fire, their unit here, has been truly invested in the relationship and has really dedicated their resources to supporting us,” said Lucas Thomas, ”with their stated intention of, ‘we want you guys to be able to burn whenever you want, and you just give us a call and let us know what’s going on.’”

[parfaitblogs]

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[thewadapan]

So why did Transformers One bomb?

Look, I'm just going to say it right off the bat: no, Transformers One is not the best Transformers movie of all time. I am (gritting my teeth) very happy for every single Transformers fan except me, who all seem to have liked it, and most of whom seem to have loved it. I agree that, as a production, it meets some baseline level of technical competence. It's a perfectly fine movie.

It's also the worst-performing Transformers movie Paramount has ever made.

Hopefully, now that its theatrical run has unceremoniously ended, people aren't going to try to rip me to shreds for theoretically threatening this multi-million-dollar film's box office revenue some miniscule amount by sharing a few teensy weensy complaints with my fifty followers.

Because I do just have a few little nitpicks, which I've tried my best to communicate, over the next 17,000 words of this post.

If you're not a Transformers fan, sorry, this essay is mostly written with the assumption that you've seen Transformers One. However, it might still be of some interest as a window into the current state of the franchise. I've written a basic plot summary of the movie to bring you up to speed, in that case. Because Transformers One purports to be the perfect introduction to the story, no homework needed, I've also done you the courtesy of elucidating background context as needed—think of this less as a review, and more as a history lesson, or maybe a "lore explained" YouTube video. After all, that's pretty much all that Transformers One is.

(And if farcically long posts aren't really your thing, you might prefer to listen to the special episode of Our Worlds are in Danger where my pals and I chatted about the film. Many of the hottest takes and silliest bits in this essay are shamelessly stolen from Jo and Umar.)

We've been waiting for Transformers One for a very long time. It's the first animated Transformers film to get a theatrical release since The Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986. It first entered development around a decade ago. Many fandom members I know online got to see it as far back as June. Its US premiere was in September; those of us in the UK had to wait a full extra month before seeing it, for no clear reason. This is a film which purports to show, in broad strokes, for the first time on the big screen, the origin of the Transformers: where they come from, who they are, and why they're fighting.

By the end of its runtime, Transformers One does not actually answer these questions. Don't get me wrong, it takes great pains trying to answer a lot of different, related questions—just ones which nobody was really asking in the first place: What does the word "Autobots" mean, if not "automobile robots"? What does the word "Decepticons" mean, if they're not actually deceitful? Why is he called "Optimus Prime"? Why is he called "Megatron"? If they were friends, why did they fall out? Why does Starscream sound Like That? Where does Energon come from? If "Prime" is a title, what were the other Primes like? How do Transformers transform?

Writer Eric Pearson, coming onto the project as an outsider to Transformers, describes having to go to Hasbro to ask these kinds of questions:

they had a script that outlined the story that they wanted to tell. I knew Optimus Prime and Megatron and I knew Bumblebee as well, or B. I had to ask about some of the other deeper ones, the mythology, “what exactly is the Matrix of Leadership?” Stuff like that.

See, Hasbro does in fact have the answers written down somewhere. The story as I understand it goes something like this. During the wild west of the '80s and '90s, Transformers "canon" was largely a by-the-seat-of-your-pants consensus-based affair between the freelance writers and copywriters the toy company would bring on to advertise their toys. That changed around the turn of the millennium, when late later-CEO Brian Goldner saw how Hasbro's licensed IP lines (such as Star Wars) were more financially successful and realised they could make more money by aggressively promoting their own in-house IP, which they didn't have to pay licensing fees for. (For the curious, a similar thought process at rival toy company Lego was what led to their creation of BIONICLE.)

The guy basically singlehandedly managing the Transformers brand at the time, Aaron Archer, eventually set to reconciling all the self-contradictory lore surrounding Transformers, an endeavour which dovetailed into the creation of the HasLab internal think-tank (best known for Battleship, the 2012 store-brand Michael Bay knockoff which was a failure critically and commercially but not in my heart) and ultimately the creation of the so-called "Binder of Revelation", an internal story bible which cost over $250,000 to produce and has strongly influenced nigh on every piece of Transformers media released since, but which we hadn't actually seen until it got leaked a week ago. As it turns out, the document itself (compiled mostly by marketers and toy designers) is patently useless to any writer: it's a typo-ridden internally-inconsistent wishy-washy mess that mostly describes the characters in terms of a made-up form of Transformers astrology that has otherwise never seen the light of day.

So although the Binder is the baseline story bible for most modern Transformers media, its influence isn't direct per se; it's more accurate to describe it as being an elaborate game of telephone between high-profile cartoons, comics, and other internal documents, with the Binder itself apparently just sitting in a drawer somewhere at Hasbro; Eric Pearson says that he never received a "binder", with the "script" he mentions either being the earlier draft from Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari (the guys who originally pitched the story), or some other unseen internal document. Director Josh Cooley, however, definitely seems to have been physically handed the Binder or its mass-market adaptation:

I knew that there was a lot of origin to be told, and when I first started, [Hasbro] gave me the Transformers Bible. I could not believe how big it was. I was like, "This is way more than I ever anticipated."

When trailers first dropped for Transformers One, a lot of my friends who are savvy were immediately like: "Oh, this is a weirdly faithful adaptation of the Binder of Revelation, huh."

I. The One True Origin of the Transformers

Half of the people reading this are Transformers fans, and half of you literally could not give less of a shit about Transformers, so if you're in the 'former group (so to speak), you'll just have to bear with me while I bring the rest of us up to speed.

Before the Transformers' civil war begins, Cybertron is being oppressed by the Quintessons. The Quintessons are a race of five-faced aliens (as in, not Transformers), who execute everyone they come across, first introduced in The Transformers: The Movie, presiding over a kangaroo court on a castaway world. In the followup cartoon five-parter "Five Faces of Darkness", writer Flint Dille established that, gasp, they were actually the original creators of the Transformers! But basically nobody else at the time was particularly compelled by this idea, it seems, with most fans preferring the more mythological origin story conceived by Bri'ish writer Simon Furman for the Marvel comics. I think people kind of just didn't like to think of the Transformers as being robots—mass-produced, a fabrication, programmed—as opposed to an alien race of thinking, feeling beings like us. But because the cartoon was important to many kids, a lot of early-2000s media tried to reconcile the cartoon and comic origin stories by stating that the Quintessons didn't actually create the Transformers; rather, they simply colonised the planet early in its history and pretended to be the Transformers' creators, until the truth came out and they got kicked offworld. This is how the Binder of Revelation ultimately paid lip service to the Quintessons. In Transformers One, the Quintessons are just sort of here, they're these evil aliens secretly skimming Energon from its miners, they don't speak English (or whichever language the film was dubbed into in your market region), they're just these nasty societal parasites.

Energon is Transformers fuel. In the original cartoon, it was these glowing pink cubes the Decepticons were always trying to produce using harebrained Saturday-morning-cartoon energy-stealing devices. There was a Cold War going on, America had just been through an "energy crisis", maybe you're old enough to remember any of that. Transformers are these big, complicated machines, so I guess the idea is they need this hyper-compressed superfuel to run off, and their homeworld has run out. By the time of the Binder of Revelation, the concept had been telephoned to the point where Energon is like the lifeblood of Primus or some shit.

Primus is the Transformers God—but not the kind of God you have "faith" in, rather this actual guy whose existence is objectively known in various ways. He transforms into a planet, that's kind of cool, right? Where does Primus come from? Look, it doesn't matter, he's like, the God of Creation, he was there at the start of time. He created all of the Transformers. All the other species in the galaxy, though, they evolved naturally thanks to "science". Actually wait, didn't that Quintus Prime guy go around the universe seeding all the planets with different kinds of Cybertronian life? That's why they're called Quintessons. See, now you know. Who's Quintus Prime?

Okay, so the Thirteen Original Transformers, or the Primes, are the thirteen original Transformers created by Primus. Most of them correspond to different kinds of Transformer: Nexus Prime is the god of Transformers who can combine, Onyx Prime is the god of Transformers who turn into animals, Micronus Prime is the god of Transformers who are small, and Solus Prime is the god of Transformers who are women. You might remember the Primes from Revenge of the Fallen, although there were only seven of them there for whatever reason.

Honestly, The Fallen was the only one who mattered for a long time. The whole reason there's thirteen of them is because thirteen is kind of an unlucky number, right? Twelve would've been fine. But throw in a thirteenth guy, and he betrays everyone, he's this fucked up evil guy. In the Binder of Revelation, though, the Thirteenth Prime is his own special guy shrouded in mystery, because they kind of liked the idea that Optimus Prime would secretly turn out to have been the Thirteenth Prime all along, and he just forgot or something, because that means he has the divine right of Primes. In IDW's 2010s comic-book reboot, the Thirteenth Prime was called "The Arisen"—in reference to that one line in The Transformers: The Movie, "Arise, Rodimus Prime!" (this margin is too narrow to explain who Rodimus Prime is). Towards the end of his run, writer John Barber did some actually interesting stuff with the concept, playing with the ambiguity over whether-or-not Optimus Prime was actually the chosen one.

All of Optimus Prime's immediate predecessors as Autobot leaders, Sentinel Prime, Zeta Prime, the lineage seen in "Five Faces of Darkness"... they're all false Primes. They're Primes in name only. In fact, IDW had a whole procession of these cartoonishly evil dictators thanks to a few continuity errors leading to the addition of a couple of extra narratively-redundant fuckers. Transformers One tries to simplify it slightly by just saying that Zeta Prime was one of the Primes for real—occupying that thirteenth "free space"—and it was just Sentinel Prime who was only a normal Transformer pretending to be a Prime, then Optimus Prime who's a real boy.

But if he's not a Prime from the start, Optimus Prime needs another name in the meantime. In the '80s cartoon episode "War Dawn", before he was called Optimus Prime, he was called "Orion Pax". Have you noticed that Optimus Prime is kind of an odd-one-out amongst all the straightup-English-word names like "Bumblebee" and "Ratchet" and "Jazz"? That's because his name was one of a tiny handful from very early in the franchise's development, before writer Bob Budiansky came onboard and came up with identities for the vast majority of the toys. Practically everyone Bob Budiansky named is called like, "Bolts" or some shit, long before the characters even know of Earth, which has always just been a contrivance of the setting you're not supposed to think about.

Presumably to create a parallel with Orion Pax's transformation into Optimus Prime, someone at Hasbro in the 2010s came up with a new name for the bot who would become Megatron: "D-16". In real-world terms, this was nothing more than a dorky reference to the Megatron toy's original Japanese release being number 16 in the line ("D" stands for "Destron", which is what they call Decepticons in Japan). But in-universe, the name "D-16" was drawn from the sector of the mine where he worked. I don't get the impression it was originally intended to be part of a broader pattern.

Which is why I'm baffled as to what the hell the reasoning was behind Bumblebee's pre-Earth name, "B-127". There's this bizarre situation in the Bumblebee film, where the name "B-127" first cropped up, where literally every other bot gets a normal cool name with personality like "Cliffjumper" or "Dropkick" except for Bumblebee, who is stuck with this clunky sci-fi name until he makes friends with a human teenager on Earth and she gives him the name Bumblebee. I guess I don't find it confusing that the writers would (correctly) realise it's a bit weird for Bumblebee to be called Bumblebee on an alien planet where bumblebees don't exist. What I find confusing is that they didn't extend that logic to any other character.

So despite everything else in the franchise's direction pointing away from "robot" and towards "alien", Transformers One ends up with this ridiculous situation where two of the most important guys are, for practically the whole movie, simply referred to as "Dee" and "Bee", I guess because the writers correctly realised the numbers sound fucking stupid.

And if you squint, "Elita-1" sorta fits this naming scheme. But the great irony of it is that the very same cartoon episode which coined "Orion Pax" simultaneously established that Elita-1 also used to go by a different name: "Ariel"! Like the Little Mermaid. Y'know, because an "aerial" is a type of electrical component- oh, forget it.

By the time the script made it into Eric Pearson's hands, it's obvious that he simply was not thinking about it that deeply. He describes the genesis of a scene where Bumblebee introduces his imaginary friends, "A-atron, EP 5-0-8, and Steve." A-atron was impov'd by Keegan-Michael Key as a reference to one of his own skits on Key & Peele. Steve ("He's foreign.") was literally just because Pearson thought it would be funny. It's true that Steve is an inherently funny name, and I guess if you're struggling to come up with jokes of your own, it can be handy to fall back on something which is inherently funny.

And again, our silly answers to these silly questions beget yet more questions. If he started out as "D-16", then where did the name "Megatron" come from? And if all the Primes have epic made-up fantasy names, then surely that one guy can't just be called "The Fallen", right? That's not a name, that's an epithet. Unfortunately, someone at Hasbro had the bright idea to answer both these questions at once: The Fallen's real name was "Megatronus". Later, for consistency, they threw on the title, and we get "Megatronus Prime", which sounds like what a thirteen-year-old on deviantART in 2014 would call their Steven Universe fusion of Megatron and Optimus Prime. So you see, Megatron actually named himself after Megatronus Prime, famously the most evil of the Primes. In Transformers One, this is changed slightly so Megatronus is merely the strongest of the Primes, as part of its overall effort to make Megatron not look completely insane.

Which, it must be said, is a tall order. Better stories have tried and failed. Back in 2007, Scottish writer Eric Holmes came up with Megatron Origin, a perfectly-fine comic miniseries which drew heavily from the miners' strikes that took place in the UK from 1984-1985, coinciding with the inception of the Transformers franchise. In that comic, Megatron is a lowly miner who, through a series of chance events, winds up at the head of a dangerous political revolutionary movement.

For some reason—I guess because nobody had ever tried to make Megatron anything other than a bloodthirsty cackling madman before—this take on Megatron as a guy who rose up against a corrupt system became the defining interpretation of the character, copy/pasted pretty much wholesale into the Binder of Revelation. Orion Pax also opposes the system, and bonds with Megatron over it, but they disagree on how to fix it: Pax believes in peaceful reform, Megatron just loves to kill. In Transformers One, the problem everyone has with Megatron is basically "whoa, this guy's a little TOO angry!" and there's a point towards the end of the film where Megatron suddenly starts jonesing to kill literally anyone who stands in his way, because he's irrationally angry.

The core problem here—and it's kind of the Magneto problem, the Killmonger problem, whatever better-known example you care to insert here—is that these guys all fundamentally exist just to be a big villain who loves to kill people and who ultimately gets defeated, but the kids who grew up on this stuff in the '80s are now adults who are no longer satisfied with cardboard cutout villains. People like a complex villain, they like a villain who has a point. They like to root for both sides. And in fact, it's easier to sell more toys to people who are rooting for both sides, if your villain is just another kind of hero. But you don't really need to take the same effort with the good guys: they're good by design, righteous by nature. They don't need to stand for something, they just need to stand against the guy whose whole thing is that he loves to kill people.

But again, we're starting from a place where the evil faction—who half the planet will ultimately align themselves with—are literally called "Decepticons". It's a name you'd only ever call yourself ironically, maybe reclaiming it from your enemies. In this film, there's some tortured logic that implies they're called Decepticons because they were deceived by Sentinel Prime. Like if you met a gang of guys who call themselves "The Robbers", but it turns out to be because they got robbed one time, and they actually have zero intention of stealing from anyone.

The Autobots are easier, of course. "Auto" is a prefix that just means, like, the self, or whatever. And the most agreeably American ideal of all is selfishness the power of the individual, the freedom to seize one's own destiny. Prime's original '80s motto, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," is bastardised in Transformers One into the slightly less rolls-out-off-the-tongue "Freedom and autonomy are the rights of all sentient beings," because (I can only assume) they forgot to work the word "autonomy" earlier into the script. If they ever greenlit Transformers Three, I suppose the motto would have ended up as something like "Freedom, autonomy, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope are the rights of all sentient beings." Even though bodily autonomy is one of the most salient motifs present in the film—all but referred to by name—I suppose the filmmakers were worried that you might think, when Prime says "freedom", that he actually means something completely different. So now you see! "Autobots" is actually the descriptive name of a political movement which believes in obviously good things. Like "Moms for Liberty".

Okay, so the cannier among you have probably spotted the mean rhetorical trick I'm pulling with this encyclopedia-entry-ass introduction. By sarcastically relitigating all the storytelling choices I dislike from the last 20 years of Transformers lore, I can build up a negative association with Transformers One without even reviewing the movie itself! On a subtextual level, I'm deliberately misattributing these bad ideas to the filmmakers, conveniently ignoring the mountains of evidence to suggest that they were just trying to make the best of whatever Hasbro handed them from on high. If anything—you might think—the filmmakers deserve even more credit, for spinning this shite into something even remotely good on the big screen.

Like, you'd be wrong, but I can see why you might think that.

II. The Spider-Verse of Transformers

Okay, I can see that I've spat in your soup. I'm sorry. There are lots of good bits in Transformers One. I can even think of one or two of them off the top of my head, without really racking my brains.

Maybe halfway through the film, there is one specific moment where the story suddenly promises to get good. You can pinpoint it down to the word, down to the frame even. Our heroes have just discovered that their planet's leader, Sentinel Prime, is a complete fraud who's been secretly exploiting them ever since they were born—and worse, castrated them by removing their transformation cogs. They are all very cross about this. Orion Pax expresses that he wants to come up with a plan to expose Sentinel Prime. Megatron is too angry to listen. Orion Pax asks, "Don't you want to stop him?" And Megatron replies, "No, I want to KILL him!" And there's like, a little tint of red creeping into the glow of his eyes.

Whoa. Chills. Up to this point in the film, Megatron has been kind of surly at times, but he's otherwise a generic kids' movie protagonist. He's often chipper. He makes quips. He has this banter with Orion Pax where he's always complaining. It's literally that one "Optimist Prime"/"Negatron" comic, committed to film. Like I'm not even being facetious, one of the film's few obligatory "emotional moments" has Elita-1 sit Orion Pax down and say, "You know what I love about you? You always see the bright side. Like you're some kind of OPTIMIST or something." And then later completely unrelatedly God gives him the mandate of heaven and says "ARISE, OPTIMUS PRIME!" Y'see, as originally conceived, "Optimus" is the word "Optimum" if it was a name, which is why people sometimes localise his name as "Best #1". But it's genuinely kind of cute to reverse-engineer the etymology as coming from "optimist", I guess. Like, it's stupid, but it's cute.

Argh, I got distracted with naming minutia again! Entirely my bad. That's the last time, I promise. Where was I? Right, we'd just found out that Megatron is kind of scary. Brian Tyree Henry's line delivery as he growls "KILL" is his crowning achievement in this film.

Where Optimus Prime's character arc in this movie sees him change from a funny, rebellious spirit to a complete personality vacuum, Megatron's character arc is kind of the opposite. When we're first introduced to him, it's weirdly hard to get a handle on who he is. He's a fanboy for Megatronus, the strongest and most morally-unremarkable of the Primes. He looks up to Sentinel Prime. He likes sports. He doesn't like breaking the rules. In fact, we get the sense that, were it not for his friendship with Orion Pax, he would be literally indistinguishable from the legion of silent crowd-filling background characters he works with. But the moment he starts to become Megatron, it's like everything starts to click. Gears catch, where once they ground and idled. There is something in this guy that was made to fight, made to kill, made to rule. It's sick.

And the underlying tension in his friendship with Optimus suddenly snaps into focus. Megatron is mad at Sentinel Prime, but Sentinel Prime isn't there, he's somewhere else, far below... and he can't help but turn that anger on the next closest thing to an authority figure he has in his life, which is his peer-pressuring bestie, Orion Pax. There is a part of Megatron that wishes he'd never learned the truth, and he blames Orion Pax for his cursed knowledge, for constantly leading them into predicaments on his stupid flights of fancy. Now that he knows, he can't go back to how he was. He can't stop thinking about it.

I'll be honest, it rules. Obviously it rules. It's complicated and toxic and darker than this movie was marketed to be. In interview, Josh Cooley describes the draft of the script he was presented with when he joined the project as having been far more jokey, light-hearted, glib—and it seems we can credit him for saying "Look, this ain't right, the minute the credits roll these guys are going to be at civil war for millions of years."

So, they started talking about it in — what did you say, 2015? I came on board in 2020, and when I came on board there was the first draft of the script. So I don't think they'd been working on it that entire time, but they'd been thinking about it, for sure. And the script that I read was a little more comical? But it was clear that that wasn't the right tone for this film specifically, because we know there's gonna be a war, civil war on Cybertron, you can't have everybody making jokes and then all of a sudden there's a war. So, um, the stakes were really important for this film. And because our characters at the beginning are a little naive, and just on the younger side, not as experienced, it allowed more freedom for them to be a little looser and have fun really getting to know these characters. But once they realize something's going on and things are getting real, it needs to get real.

Cooley also describes his "in" on the film as being the brotherly relationship between Optimus Prime and Megatron (they're not literally brothers in this film, though they have been in the past), which perhaps explains why Megatron and Optimus Prime get to be characters, instead of just like, guys who are there.

That was always the goal from the beginning and what got me on board. It was this relationship between these two characters that was very human and brotherly. I thought about my relationship with my brother and how I could bring that in. It’s not like we’re enemies, but we grew up together and then went down our different paths, but we’re still brotherly. I became a writer-director and live in a fantasy land, and he became a homicide detective who deals with reality, so we’re two very different mindsets. I have always been fascinated by the idea of two people who come from the same place but end up in different ones. From the very beginning, I was like, ‘That’s something I can relate to.’

Anyway, things I liked, what else. There's that joke at the very start, after the excruciating lore powerpoint, where Orion Pax does a fake-out like he's going to transform, the music briefly swells, and then it just cuts to him legging it down the corridor. In a similar vein, I liked the idea behind the Iacon 5000, where Orion Pax has them run in the race. I felt like the execution of the race left a bit to be desired—the only other participant who matters is Darkwing—but it's still honestly the best big action setpiece in the film. There's also that bit at the end where Megatron and Optimus Prime are both changing into their final forms simultaneously, and it's basically a Homestuck Flash (what would that be, "[S] OPTIMUS PRIME. ARISE."?), so obviously I liked that. Oh, and I really liked the environment design where the planet's landscape is constantly transforming, that's brand-new, someone had an Idea there, and it creates visual interest during the initial Energon-mining scene... even if I wished it had actually paid off in a more meaningful way than "the planet's crust opens as Prime falls to get the Matrix"—like, someone really should've gotten eaten by the planet, that's a cracking Disney death scene and they left it on the table! I also liked getting to see my blorbo, Vector Prime, on the big screen.

I think, as a Transformers fan who's had to sit through a lot of really quite sexist, racist, and plain bad films, you're well within your rights to come out of this one ready to give it a fucking Oscar. You should be ecstatic! It has none of those pesky humans clogging up the frame. It has plenty of robot action. It has jokes which- well I struggle to call many of them "funny", but they're at least trying to be funny in a different way to Michael Bay's films. The film is obviously a massive love letter to... honestly every part of Transformers except the live-action movies. It is an incredibly faithful and earnest adaptation of all the lore and iconography that has randomly accumulated the way it has over the last forty years of bullshit.

My main point of contention, then, is with the overriding sentiment I'm seeing from pretty much everyone else in the fandom: that this is not just the best Transformers movie, but that it's a great animated movie period, that it does for Transformers what Into the Spider-Verse did for Spider-Man, what The Last Wish did for Puss in Boots, and what Mutant Mayhem did for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That, in effect, this film will make you "get it". That it's better-looking, better-written, and more meaningful than a silly toy commercial has any right to be.

I think you can definitely see some loose influence from Spider-Verse in the overall look of the film—particularly in its color grading, and in the design of its main setting, the underground city of Iacon, where the upside-down skyscrapers hanging from the ceiling evoke the iconic "falling upwards" shot from Spider-Verse. Like The Last Wish, it's an animated franchise film that spent much longer than you'd think in development, only for the release of Into the Spider-Verse to have an immediate impact on its visual style... without actually affecting the basic story to the same extent. Both Transformers One and The Last Wish, in many ways, feel like stories concocted using an older formula; in particular, Transformers One bears startling similarities to a similar toy-franchise-prequel, BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, which was released twenty years ago! By contrast, Mutant Mayhem—which had a much shorter development period—is a direct reaction to Spider-Verse in both aesthetic and narrative, and it has a much more distinctive creative direction as a result.

If you look at how all these titles have performed in cinemas, I think you can make a pretty strong case that audiences are perfectly willing to go out and see this kind of flick. A glance at Wikipedia tells me that Mutant Mayhem, The Bad Guys, and The Last Wish grossed double, triple, and quadruple their budgets respectively. In terms of the pre-existing cultural cachet they were banking on, we're talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a children's book series I'd never heard of, and fucking Puss in Boots. You cannot tell me that Transformers, as a brand, is on the same level as any of these properties. Meanwhile, Transformers One hardly broke even, while The Wild Robot—another DreamWorks film based on a children's book I've never heard of, which it ended up competing with in theatres—grosses three times its budget. My friends who've seen The Wild Robot say it made them cry.

Face it: Transformers One has not lit the world on fire. I've seen a lot of people cope with this by suggesting that it's to do with the film's staggered release, or even by claiming that the film's marketing was somehow misleading. I'll be honest, upon seeing it, it did not strike me as being at all dissimilar to the trailers. You can maybe say that the trailers undersold the depth of Orion Pax's and Megatron's relationship—which is its best aspect—but honestly, I think if they'd taken a lot of those scenes out of context and put them in early teasers, audiences would've laughed it out of theatres. Like, c'mon, it's toy robots, stop pretending it's Shakespeare. And otherwise, what you see is what you get; it's exactly what it says on the tin.

I wonder how many Transformers fans, on some level, have noticed that even when we're supposedly "eating good", and watching "peak cinema", our films just aren't as good as everyone else's. They're something you'll enjoy if you're already highly predisposed to enjoy them. But otherwise, they're not turning heads. They're not as funny, or as heartfelt, or as complex, or as exciting, or as charming, or as memorable, or as beautiful as these other films. Unlike with Spider-Verse, there's no word-of-mouth amongst normal people to say that this is a film worth seeing.

What I perceive in studios hoping to recreate the flash-in-the-pan success of Spider-Verse is a misunderstanding of what made people go crazy for that movie in the first place. Yes, it changed our conception of what an 3D-animated film could look like. Yes, the multiverse is very cool and all that. Yes, it had a huge IP attached to it. But on a more fundamental level, that movie has a fantastic story underpinning it. The script is razor-sharp. The story is beautifully complex. The vision of New York City it presents is a living, breathing place, populated by real people. It has the kind of craft to it that can only come from truly obsessive creators cultivating an absolutely miserable professional environment for a legion of passionate animators.

In interview, Transformers producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura actually spoke surprisingly candidly about his view on crunch:

I probably shouldn't answer this question, because I'm not exactly PC on my answer. I think the nature of filmmaking is, we're really lucky to work in a business that's about passion. Passion doesn't fit really well into a timeline, so inevitably you come to a crunch time. It's just true in the live action, it's true in every movie, and authors always tell me that about when they're writing their books — it's the same thing happens to them! There's something about the creative process that's not — it's unruly. So, I think if you're enjoying it, you need to recognize that. Like, you know, I don't wanna abuse anybody, and y'know — if you get into that period where people have to really work too hard, you gotta help them in that situation, then. 'Cause it's gonna come. It does on every movie. I've never seen it not come, no matter how well you plan, et cetera. 'Cause it's not a science what we're doing at all, and there's all these discoveries that happen near the end, which makes you go "oh, let's do some more, come on!". We discovered that on this movie, where we're calling ILM going "we've got a few ideas, you know, do you have enough man-hours?". [...] Like, you gotta be conscious of it — in live-action, for instance, there are some studios that are so cheap that when you're on — sort of medium location-distance and you're shooting 'til midnight, they don't pay for a hotel room. It's like, well, no-no-no, you pay for a hotel room. You protect the people.

According to everyone who worked on Transformers One, everyone who worked on Transformers One was very passionate about it. But there are parts of this film where I think you can say, pretty objectively, that it's falling short of its intended effect. So I guess maybe they weren't that passionate. I'm not saying that to be mean! It's just... isn't that better than the alternative—that this was the best they could do?

III. I did not care for The Godfather

At one point in the film, the gang's magic map leads them to a scary cave, which looks like this:

Bumblebee fills the dead air by saying, "A cave, with teeth. Nothing scary about that!" The joke here is that this is a cave that looks like a mouth. But as depicted, it's a cave that looks like a mouth that doesn't look like a cave! I get that this is an alien planet, but stalactites don't grow that way on Earth, so when you see the cave onscreen, your gut reaction isn't "oh my, what a frightening cave!". No, this is a cave that makes you say, "that's not a cave, that's some kind of alien monster".

(It's not like "cave turns out to be a monster" would in any way be a fresh twist. In BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, there's a bit where a character swims into a scary cave, and it turns out to be the mouth of a massive sea serpent. In The Empire Strikes Back, the Millennium Falcon briefly hides in an asteroid tunnel which turns out to be a giant space worm. So I'm definitely not saying Transformers One would've been a better film if it had used this stock trope.)

Then once the heroes go inside, we're whisked off to an entirely different set of concept artwork, for this lush organic underground paradise. There's no danger there. The cave itself is reduced to a strange little footnote. Maybe it's only in the story because a concept artist drew it before they'd worked out the finer points of the narrative, and Keegan-Michael Key just ended up ad-libbing the "teeth!" line when he was told to vamp for a few seconds. Or maybe the teeth gag was fully written into the script from the start, and the environment artists just interpreted it way too literally.

Like, I'm sorry, I don't mean to start off on the wrong foot here by harping on about the cave thing—it's not a perfect example anyway—but to me it's a microcosm for my frustration towards what I perceive to be a lack of creative vision in this film. So much of the film feels like it's not there to be entertaining, or meaningful, or narratively load-bearing... it's just obligatory, something they threw in for the sake of having anything at all. It's colors and sounds. When you see the spiky shape onscreen, you think, "ooh, this film was pretty bouba earlier, but now it's more kiki!" They get the comedian to improvise a few one-liners while the characters walk from place to place. And it's like, yes, this is a film for children. Of course the heroes have an adventure map with a big red X on it. In many respects this is a glorified episode of Pocoyo, or the modern equivalent, which I guess is "Baby Shark | Animal Songs For Children".

Nowhere is this sense of "we are obliged to put this in the movie" felt more strongly than in its supporting cast. When you look closely, you notice that Bumblebee and Elita-1—placed prominently in the film's marketing and being technically present for much of its runtime—don't actually do anything of narrative significance. They don't make choices that impact the story; they're just there, and it would not take much rewriting to excise them entirely, so it's just Orion Pax and Megatron on their little adventure. In fact, I'll just come out and say it: I think Transformers One would have been a better movie if Bumblebee and Elita-1 were not in it.

It helps that, from a Doylist perspective, the motivations for their inclusion are perfectly transparent. Firstly, think of the merchandise! Secondly, in Bumblebee's case, it's fucking Bumblebee, he's the whole reason half the kids will be watching, you can't not have him in there. Whenever Bumblebee's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking, "where's Bumblebee?" Also, I think the creative team felt that they could use Bumblebee tactically to balance some of the darkness in the story.

In the G1 cartoon, Bumblebee just has the default Autobot personality—good-natured, a little sarcastic—with the dial turned a little more towards friendliness. There's this iconic anecdote from the production that cartoon, where writer David Wise found himself in exactly the same situation Transformers writers are finding themselves in forty years later: he was told to write a story about something called "Vector Sigma", and he had no fucking clue what Vector Sigma was supposed to be. So he asked story editor Bryce Malek, who also had no fucking idea. Malek in turn asked Hasbro, and was told that Vector Sigma was "the computer that gave all the Transformers personalities". Upon hearing this, Malek said, "Well, it didn't do a very good job, did it!" Vector Sigma, in case you missed it, does actually appear in Transformers One, as the polygonal shape that transitions into the Matrix of Leadership in the opening powerpoint; I guess they're one and the same now. Some things never change: in Michael Bay's Transformers movies, there is again just a single default personality that every single Autobot shares, a braggadacious action-hero facade over genuine bloodthirst. Who can forget that iconic moment in Revenge of the Fallen where Bumblebee rips out Ravage's spine in grisly slow-mo?

Aside from the fact that he's small and yellow, Bumblebee in Transformers One bears very little resemblance to any incarnation of the character kids might be accustomed to. Instead, he occupies a stock comic-relief archetype, he's a zany guy who goes "Well, that just happened!" If anything, his one joke in the third act—wanton murder—reads like it could maybe be a reference to his many Mortal Kombat fatalities in Bay's films. Beginning in 2007's Transformers Animated, Bumblebee has sometimes possessed deployable "stingers" that flip out from his hands, as a fun action feature for toys. Clearly someone on Transformers One saw this and thought it was the funniest fucking thing that Bumblebee has "knife hands", because the character spends the third act of the movie just shouting "knife hands!" and cutting people in half like a medieval terror.

(In the UK, Bumblebee's lines were re-recorded at the last minute so he says "sword hands" instead. This is because in the UK, we generally aren't able to kill each other using guns, so it's knives that are the big armed-violence boogeyman. Everyone's always talking about how all the kids have knives. And look, I'm not someone to indulge in moral panic, but genuinely, when I look at Bumblebee chasing around people with knives, saying, "I'm gonna cut these guys, watch!", I'm like... what the fuck were they thinking when they wrote that?)

Frankly, whatever is going on with Bumblebee is just an entirely different movie to everything else that's happening. When Bee shanks his twelfth nameless lackey in a row, the movie's like, awww, you're sweet! But when Megatron tries to kill the one (1) evil dictator who's just fucking branded him, who's still lying to his face while his people continue to die to the guy's fuckin' honor guard, Optimus Prime is like, HELLO, HUMAN RESOURCES?

Bumblebee is solely here to be funny, but there's a point in the film where it needs to become a war story, and the best they can think to do with Bumblebee is to have him kill people but in like, a funny way.

As for Elita-1... look, to put it very bluntly, she is in this movie to be a woman. Transformers has had a long, long forty-year history of boys'-club exclusionism, if not outright misogyny, and each new series usually has a token female character, as a kind of fig-leaf for the fact that really, the only fucking thing Hasbro cares about is that the boys are buying the toys. Beginning in the 1986 movie, it was Arcee who got to be "the pink one" for many years of fiction—but not toys, y'see, when parents want to buy something for their beloved young lad, they don't buy "the pink one", no sir. In the 2010s, wow-cool-OC Windblade took over for a stint as leading lady, decked out in a commercially-non-threatening red color scheme. Recently, though, it's been Elita-1—Optimus Prime's girlfriend from the original '80s cartoon—who's been the go-to female character, and she's increasingly allowed to be pink.

There is a lot of love for these characters amongst creatives and fans alike, and especially in the last decade, female Transformers have been both more numerous and better-written than ever. Unfortunately Transformers One, which depicts Elita-1 as an arms-crossing career-obsessed buzzkill, whose arc sees her learn her place in deference to a less-competent man... well let's just say it struck me as a significant step back in this regard.

There's this great interview with Scarlett Johansson, voice of Elita-1, where she's trying to describe what makes her character interesting, and it's like she's drawing blood from a stone. She's like, "yeah, so Elita-1, I would say, she's on her own journey, because at the start of the film it's sort of like she's working at a big company, you know, and she wants to get a promotion, but then later on she learns that she can't, y'know, get a promotion". Look, it's not that Scarlett Johansson does a bad job—in fact, considering the material she's working with, she practically carries Elita-1 entirely on the back of her performance—it's just that I can't shake the impression that the filmmakers would rather pay Scarlett Johansson god knows how many thousands of dollars than try to think of a second actress that they know of.

As I've already complained, Transformers One has a pretty thin cast, but it effectively only has two other female characters who do anything. Airachnid is a secondary antagonist, Sentinel Prime's spymaster/enforcer, and it's clear that some concept artist really fucking popped off when designing her. She has eyes in the back of her head, and it's ten times creepier than that makes it sound. Her spiderlegs also create some visual interest during fight scenes. As a character, Airachnid has zero internality and is not interesting, but she is cool, so you'll get no complaints from me there.

The film's other other female character is Chromia, who wins the Iacon 5000 race at the last moment. She really comes out of nowhere to clinch it. It's funny, because the leaderboards show this one guy, Mirage, hovering near the top of the rankings for almost the whole sequence. And Chromia's character model really looks suspiciously like Mirage's. In fact, there's a different character who stands around in the background a couple of times who looks much more like Chromia. Funnily enough, that background character is even called Chromia in concept art! So if you connect the dots, it really seems that the "Chromia" who is the best racer on Cybertron was originally meant to be Mirage, a guy, until they switched the character's gender at the very last minute, and didn't bother changing the leaderboards to match.

There are two possible explanations for this. The first is that Mirage was the dark horse of Rise of the Beasts, and for some reason they felt like his depiction in Transformers One would've gotten in the way of their plans for the character somehow. It's plausible, I guess. The second, infinitely funnier option, is that at some point someone working on the movie realised that they only put two women in the film, scrambled to look through the feature to find a suitable character to gender-swap, only to discover to their horror that they'd forgotten to put in any characters whatsoever. Fuck it, the racer guy! He can be a girl. Diversity win, the fastest class traitor on Cybertron... is a woman!

In case you were wondering about the Transformers One toyline leaderboards, by my count, Orion Pax has ten new transforming toys currently announced or in stores, Bumblebee and Megatron have six each, Sentinel Prime has four, Alpha Trion has two, Elita-1 has two, Airachnid has one, Starscream has one, Wheeljack has one, and the Quintesson High Commander has one. In fact, one of Elita-1's toys—the collector-oriented high-quality Studio Series release—isn't scheduled for release until some undetermined point later next year, and she was entirely absent from leaked lists of upcoming releases, which to me smacks of "we realised last-minute that it would look really really bad if we didn't bother to release a good toy of the one woman in the film". Oh, and obviously, Chromia has no toys—but there is an "Iacon Race" three-pack consisting of Megatron, Orion Pax... and Mirage. Go figure.

The thing is, all of the stuff I'm grousing about here is pretty much standard fare for kids' films targeted more at boys. Hell, even The Lego Movie—which is basically the gold standard of toy commercials—gave supporting protagonist Wyldstyle a pretty similar arc to the one Elita-1 gets here, which was probably the weakest element of that film. Evidently conscious of this, Lord & Miller redeemed themselves by devoting the entirety of The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part to deconstructing common narratives surrounding gender roles. I guess I just wish the young girls who presumably comprise some portion of Transformers One theatergoers could actually get anything out of Elita-1 as a character. Ah, what do I know, maybe it's still considered countercultural simply to depict a woman punching people.

Still, to give credit where it's due: Transformers One doesn't remotely touch the gender-essentialism prevalent in the Binder of Revelation, treating female Transformers no differently to their male counterparts in lore terms. Solus Prime is, it seems, just a Prime who happened to be a woman, rather than the mythological Eve after whom all women are patterned. There's a scene where our heroes are gifted the Transformation Cogs of the fallen Primes, and the Primes named thankfully bear no particular relation to the characters; in other words, Elita-1 isn't given Solus Prime's cog. As Alpha Trion puts it: "What defines a Transformer is not the cog in his chest, but the spark that resides in their core." Dude really remembered nonbinary people exist halfway through that sentence huh.

(Actually, the bigger mistake would've been with Megatron: if he was given Megatronus Prime's cog from the start, then this would've created the unfortunate implication that his descent into evil was only the result of Megatronus Prime's fucked up and evil cog, rather than a choice Megatron made of his own free will. The film instead has it the other way around: Megatron's radicalisation into a "might makes right" philosophy is what causes him to covet Megatronus Prime's transformation cog, to steal that power from Sentinel Prime, who stole the cogs of both Megatronus and Megatron in the first place. That's cool! This does create a bit of unfortunate narrative dissonance with Alpha Trion's words, alas, as it does seem like Megatronus Prime's cog really is more powerful than the others, because it gives both Sentinel Prime and Megatron a powerup.)

There's just something that I find so dreadfully mercenary about this movie's cast—honestly, everyone except Orion Pax, Megatron, and maybe Sentinel Prime. Take Darkwing, for example. Bro was clearly designed from the ground up to fill this stock character role of "bully who pushes our guys around and later gets his comeuppance". For a more interesting take on that exact same archetype, look no further than Todd Sureblade from Nimona, a bigoted knight who gets a whole damn character arc in the background, which directly complements that film's main themes.

Again, I'm not playing some kind of guessing game here, the authorial evidence is right there: Darkwing didn't even have a name until Hasbro designer Mark Maher was shown a picture of the character and asked, "If this was a Decepticon flyer, who would it be?" This is actually par for the course with ILM; most of their concept art is labelled with very basic descriptions, with the exact trademarks being picked in conjunction with Hasbro at a later point. Darkwing just stands out in Transformers One because he's the only recurring speaking character who's an OC in all but name (unless you count Bumblebee), he's the one guy who's been invented from scratch with total creative freedom, and he's boring as sin. It's like the filmmakers just couldn't conceive of a children's movie without that stock character—and they clearly had no idea what to do with him once they'd invented him, because he disappears entirely from the film at the start of the third act, when Orion Pax throws him into an arcade cabinet, which they have in the mines on Cybertron for some reason.

In a film with as painfully few named speaking characters as Transformers One, there's really no excuse for having this kind of one-dimensionality in their portrayals. Genuinely, I ask—who are Orion Pax and Megatron fighting to liberate? Jazz, one of the biggest personalities from the original G1 cartoon, who gets all of two boilerplate lines here? Cooley seems to think so:

As you’re designing them the background characters are almost like Lego pieces where you put different heads on different bodies just to fill in a crowd. But some of them would be brought forward and be painted specific colors so that it represents a character that I didn’t know was such a big deal. But there was stuff—like Jazz, for example, has a pretty big role. It was important to have a relationship with a character that we know gets to be saved.

To me, the idea that casual cinemagoers would be invested in any of the Transformers as characters is laughable. Michael Bay's characters are famous for being hateful non-entities. In terms of the films, Jazz is best remembered for dying at the end of the first one, seventeen years ago; he looks completely different here. The one breakout character in recent years—Mirage, as played by Pete Davidson in Rise of the Beasts—was, as I've already mentioned, written out so that the movie could reach its girl quota... not that he would've had any lines anyway.

And I just don't buy the idea that the complete dearth of compelling characterisation in this film is just an unfortunate side-effect of its clipped one-hour-thirty runtime—that, given even half an hour longer, the film would suddenly be crowded with rich portrayals of all your Transformers faves. Bumblebee and Elita-1, ostensibly two of the most important characters in the film, are not in this movie because the movie is interested in telling their stories. They are in this movie for the sake of being in this movie. It insists upon itself.

IV. No politics means no politics

In fact, putting aside merchandising considerations, Elita-1 and Bumblebee serve one very specific purpose in narrative terms. The trait Optimus Prime and Megatron have always had in common is that they are both leaders—and what is a leader, without anyone to lead? Without Bumblebee and Elita-1, you'd have this farcical situation where the only person Optimus Prime ever gets to boss around is Megatron, until the very end of the movie when God makes him king of all Cybertron. The High Guard, Starscream's gang of exiles, serve a similar narrative purpose for Megatron; they're a ready-made army who've just been sitting around waiting for him to show up and take charge.

Towards the end, the movie does actually take care to show both Orion Pax and Megatron rallying groups of Cybertronians: in Pax's case, he reveals the truth to his legion of interchangable miner friends, while Megatron riles up the High Guard mob. Again, there's a bit of that narrative sleight-of-hand, a bit of a thematic cop-out, where the question of "how do Optimus Prime and Megatron come to be leaders of their factions?" is answered only in the most literal possible interpretation. Yes, we technically see the exact chain of events that lead to this point—but both characters are portrayed as born leaders. We don't see them grow into the role, except physically. The moment Megatron decides he wants to rule, he's able to take charge. Likewise, Optimus Prime just gets divinely appointed by God. At a key point, Megatron loudly declares "I will never trust a so-called leader ever again", and the movie plays a fucking scare chord like this is supposed to be ominous. Like, oh no! Optimus Prime is a leader! And they're friends! Whatever will Megatron do when he finds out his friend, Optimus Prime, is a leader?

I don't think the movie has given any real thought to what a leader actually is. It seems to take a stance that power cannot be taken, i.e. through violent action, as Sentinel Prime and Megatron do. That one scene with Elita-1 suggests the most important trait for a leader to have, above and beyond any particular competency, is simply hope and optimism. What I just can't wrap my head around is the fact that the counterpoint the movie presents to Megatron, in the form of Orion Pax becoming Optimus Prime, does not support a belief in collective action or basic democracy—rather, it's a boring sword-in-the-stone divine-right-of-kings fantasy.

Except I do have a theory for why the film is like this. Let's look again at that interview with Eric Pearson, who came onboard in the "late middle" of production:

One of the first things that I did was a big pass on Sentinel Prime. I just felt like he was too obviously telegraphing his wickedness in previous versions, and I felt like, “No, he’s a carnival barker.” He’s got to be a big salesman. He’s a bullshitter, honestly is what he is.

(Honestly, if this is Sentinel after a "big pass" to make his villainy more of a twist, I shudder to think what the earlier drafts were like.)

Now, let's see how WIRED introduces their interview with Josh Cooley, titled "Transformers One Isn't as Silly as It Looks":

He liked the script, which traces how Optimus Prime (Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (Brian Tyree Henry) went from friends to enemies. But as the world went into lockdown as Covid-19 spread, Cooley found his story changing, if only slightly. Trump was still in office when Cooley started working on the film, and he was having meetings with the producers and they’d “start these meetings off on Zoom just going, like, ‘Holy crap what is going on in this world?’” he says. Ultimately, the infighting they were seeing between Democrats and Republicans in the same family became an undercurrent in the film’s friends-to-enemies storyline, “because that’s what Transformers is.”

So it's like, oh, this is a 2016 election thing. This is just that one election that broke everyone's brains. Of course this movie about a made-up political struggle on an alien planet being developed from 2015-2020 wouldn't be like, hey, you know what might fix our society's problems, is if we had an election. Of course the main villain is a "big salesman" "bullshitter" who says things like "The truth is what I make it!". Wow, guys, your film is so-o-o politically-conscious, and very pretty.

The fantasy is more or less that Donald Trump's army of reactionaries is marching on Washington to seize power through violent means, and on the way he drops Joe Biden into the Grand Canyon, but just before Joe hits the ground a giant fucking bald eagle swoops in to catch him and squawks, "God finds you worthy! Arise, President Biden!"

In our escapist little morality play, our best friend slash allegorical dad gets made king of the planet, and we all get jobs in the government. As in, one of the funniest lines in the movie is straightup Bumblebee exulting, "This is the greatest day of my life. I get to work for the government!" When Prime met Bumblebee—an hour ago—the dude was talking to imaginary friends, and honestly the only fucking skill he's demonstrated since then is cold-blooded murder. We have this dissonance in the storytelling, where it's mostly a story about four friends going on an adventure (are they even friends? Most of them hate each other!), but it's also a founding-fathers political origin story, which means there comes a point where our hero just suddenly starts bossing his friends around in a deep voice, and they're like, "Yes, sir!" It creates this unhinged situation where the "good" faction on Cybertron is ruled by the biblical chosen one and his nepotism buddies.

Per that quote from WIRED (or are they just putting words in Cooley's mouth? I can't help but notice they don't give an exact quote!), the film is ultimately sympathetic to the bad guys (the Republicans, I guess). It deliberately suggests that there is really nothing that should divide the Autobots and the Decepticons: their political goals, it claims, are identical, and they only disagree on the means by which to achieve them. The Decepticons, who are angry and hateful, have simply been misled by a power-hungry liar with charisma—first Sentinel, then Megatron—and so the tragedy is that they are artificially pushed into conflict with their fellow men, when really they should be uniting to stand against their common enemy, the foreigner illuminati trying to steal Cybertron's wealth.

Now, I know I've just handed you a get-out-of-jail-free card. My political allegory here is chock full of holes. What, are Sentinel Prime and Megatron both Donald Trump? Get a grip. Obviously any real-world commentary in Transformers One was only intended in the loosest sense imaginable: things like, "people should be free to change into whatever they want!" I'm being unfair, I'm reading too much into it, this is a cartoon movie for children, and if I want politics, I should start reading some fucking books. Also, come to mention it, my whole argument about that cave earlier really didn't hold water, and- I know, alright? I know.

V. Place / Place, Cybertron

I'm not mad at this toy commercial because its politics don't quite align with mine. I'm not mad at it for having a boring-ass supporting cast. I'm not mad at it for reheating a bunch of half-baked lore I didn't care for from the early 2010s. I've actually spent a lot of time mad about Transformers media that I've thought was bad. There's Transformers: Armada, where the English translators are fully asleep at the wheel and render even the most basic cartoon plots incomprehensible though constant mistranslations. There's Transformers: Micromasters, where two white guys wrote a downtrodden race of tiny Cybertronians who greet each other like "Wattup, my micro!". There's the recent series of Transformers: EarthSpark, where there's an episode that I can only describe as "the Wonka Experience but it's an episode of a children's cartoon", with a plotline that mostly revolves around our child heroes straightup robbing a Onceler-looking businessman of his most valuable possession. There's Transformers: Age of Extinction, with that one scene, and also the rest of that movie. In fact, I would go so far as to say that most Transformers fiction is some combination of bad, offensive, and offensively bad.

So even though I've just spent thousands of words whinging and moaning about how I didn't like Transformers One, the truth is that I had a perfectly nice time at the cinema. I got to go see it with five of my pals who love Transformers just as much as I do, and we had a blast. It is easily in the top 50% of all Transformers fiction.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I guess I've always given a lot of thought to what Transformers looks like from the outside. Maybe it's that I'm compelled to spend so much time and money on it, that it somehow compels me to vomit up these kinds of essays, and all I want is to be able to make it make sense to anyone in my life. It would be so, so nice if I could just sit down in the cinema with a friend or family member for a couple of hours, and at the end of it, they'd be able to walk out and say, "Okay, I guess I see what you get out of it." Rise of the Beasts was kind of that movie for me, but Rise of the Beasts is also the seventh instalment in a blockbuster franchise. It kind of takes for granted everything about Transformers.

It doesn't answer, "what the fuck is a Transformer anyway?"

For many years now, fans have noticed a marked aversion to using the word "transform" as a verb, or even as a noun. Optimus Prime no longer says, "Autobots, transform and roll out!", he just says, "Roll out!". Transformers no longer transform, they "convert". In fact, Transformers are no longer Transformers at all: they are "Transformers bots", the italics here serving to distinguish a registered trademark. This is because the worms in suits at Hasbro are worried that, if they continue to use the word "transform" by its dictionary definition—that is, to change—then rival toy companies will be able to make the case that anything that transforms can legally be described as a Transformer. It will become a generic trademark, like Velcro, or Band-Aid, or Dumpster.

Yet in Transformers One, "Transformers" is not just the noun by which the characters are referred to—rather, it's used in a descriptive sense to specifically mean "Cybertronians who can transform"! Characters are constantly talking about whether they can or can't transform. Prime gets to say his catchphrase in full. It's a miracle. Not only that, characters even get to say the word "kill" instead of "defeat" or "destroy".

Transformers One has a level of unrestricted creative freedom not seen since the 1986 animated film. This is a film unconstrained by location shooting, or licensing deals, or uncooperative actors; through the magic of CGI, for every single frame of its one-hour-thirty runtime, the filmmakers can put literally whatever they want on the screen. They were given the assignment, "Make an animated prequel set on Cybertron telling the origin story of Optimus Prime and Megatron", handed an estimated $147 million and a blank page, and told to go nuts. Like those born with transformation cogs, Transformers One had the power to become anything it wanted to be.

The 1986 animated film took that carte blanche to do whatever the fuck it wanted, and basically singlehandedly defined the direction of the franchise ever since. On a lore level, in terms of tone, I would say that Transformers owes practically everything to The Transformers: The Movie. Cartoons, comics, films, and video games have adapted every single one of its scenes countless times over. I'm not necessarily saying that it's a good film, or even that it's a particularly original film—much of it is ripped off from Star Wars—just that it took the franchise somewhere it hadn't gone before. It was looking to the future. As in, literally, it was set in 2005, at the time two decades into the future.

What gets me down about Transformers One is that—like most major franchise media released since The Force Awakens—all it can do is think about the past. Swathes of it are devoted to painstakingly recreating or setting up the various bits of iconography which have arbitrarily come to define the franchise. Even when it appears to be taking things in a new direction, it's not long before it course-corrects back into familiar territory: Steve Buscemi invents a surprisingly fresh take on Starscream's voice, and then Megatron half-strangles him to death, saddling him with a post-produced rasp to emulate Chris Latta's iconic performance from forty years ago.

The very title of the film, Transformers One, is an allusion to the line, "Till all are one," which originates in The Transformers: The Movie. In an early script for that '80s feature, it was actually "Till all life sparks are one", referring to a literal metaphysical process in that draft whereby one Transformer's life force could be passed on to another, presumably with the belief that they would all eventually be merged into a single afterlife. In the finalized story, it's just this kind of mystical phrase vaguely evoking concepts of togetherness and unity.

Transformers One brushes up against the phrase a couple of times. Alpha Trion almost says it at one point, when passing on his dead siblings' transformation cogs: "They were one. You are one. All are one!" Whatever that means. Later, Orion Pax starts a chant amongst the miners: "Together as one!" And finally, at the very end of the movie, during his obligatory film-ending monologue, Optimus Prime again goes: "And now, we stand here together... as one." (Half of Cybertron has just been banished to the surface forever.) "[...] Here, all are truly... Autobots." (Again, half of Cybertron- Optimus, what the fuck are you talking about?) Regardless, this is inexplicably the one instance where the movie doesn't twist itself up into knots trying to nail the exact phrasing.

Actually, there is one other sideways reference like this I can think of. Early in the film, Orion Pax is chatting up Elita, and he remarks, "Feel like I have enough power in my to drill down and touch Primus himself." To which Elita replies, "You don't have the touch or the power." This is kind of a nonsensical retort unless you know that in the 1986 movie, one of the most iconic songs on the soundtrack was "The Touch" by Stan Bush, which had the chorus line: "You got the touch! You got the power!" It's a banger. Anyway, remember when I said Darkwing gets chucked through an arcade cabinet? Well, here's Cooley revealing why that arcade cabinet is in the film:

I actually wrote [that exchange between Orion Pax and Elita] because I love that song. [...] And we had this one version where D-16 and Orion were playing a video game, like a stand-up old arcade game—it was inspired to look like that, but a Cybertonian version of that. They’re playing that together like friends and the song, like the 8-bit song that’s playing is ["The Touch"]. But that scene got nixed. And so I wanted to work it in there somewhere. And I just felt like a natural place for it. But that was one where I’m like, "I just love that song and those lyrics and that’s Transformers to me so I want to get that in there."

(I've had to amend that quote to fill in the blanks where the article has redacted "spoilers" for the movie. Spoiler culture is an absolute pox, I swear. Can't have the audiences knowing about one (1) mid joke in advance—the movie barely has enough jokes to fill a "Transformers One Funny Moments" compilation as it is!)

This actually isn't the first time Hasbro has "nixed" a reference to "The Touch" in major Transformers media. In the Transformers: Cyberverse episode "The Alliance", a character references "The Touch" right before a training montage which is clearly supposed to have the track playing, except instead it's been replaced by a generic rock instrumental, presumably because they couldn't afford the license. And in Daniel Warren Johnson's Eisner-award-winning bestselling comic run, there's one panel where he clearly wanted to include the song's lyrics as a sound effect, but wasn't allowed, so the final sound effect famously reads "YOU KNOW THE SONG". But that's a random episode of a bargain-bin cartoon, and an indie-darling comic series—not a $147 million blockbuster. You really have to wonder if it came down to money, or if it was something else. God knows Transformers One would not actually be improved for having a chiptune remix of "The Touch" in it, anyway.

The most egregious misplaced bit of fanwank in the film isn't even in dialogue. In the 1986 film, there's this one iconic moment when Optimus Prime arrives at the besieged Autobot City, drives through a crowd of Decepticons in truck mode, then fires some afterburners, launching his cab up into the air, where he transforms mid-leap, drawing his blaster to shoot a couple of Decepticons before hitting the ground. It's a fantastic bit of original animation. It's the Akira slide of Transformers. And, surprise surprise, it crops up in Transformers One. In the climactic final fight, Orion Pax shows up to save Megatron, and he does the thing.

But the problem is... he's not in truck mode! The film just cuts to him standing there in the middle of some anonymous mooks, then he does a standing jump into the air, the movie momentarily goes into extreme slow-mo like he's doing a fucking quick-time event, then he shoots a couple of guys and drops to the ground. There's no momentum. It exists purely to create that simulacrum, to take the single most iconic frame from that bit of 1986 animation, and stretch that one frame into infinity. The context is discarded, irrelevant. All that matters is that brief moment of recognition: "I know what that iiis!" God knows Transformers One has precious little in the way of impactful fight animation of its own; the choreography is stiff and uninspired, while the shots themselves are nauseatingly cluttered. Often, the best it can do is pilfer from older, better stories.

"Did you clap at any of the new moments and memorable characters?" "Were there any?"

Look, I get it. Transformers One is a prequel. By definition, it can't change the future. It has to play with the characters that are already in the toybox. But I do think it had this really special opportunity: to show theatregoers where the Transformers come from. To show us Cybertron not as a distant star or a barren scrapyard, but as a living, thriving alien world, unlike Earth, something special and worth protecting in its own right. Something new and memorable. In Rise of the Beasts—probably the best Transformers movie by default—when Optimus Prime is at his lowest, he wants nothing more to return home... but home is something we've only ever seen as a cold dystopia, ruled by Decepticons. The version of Transformers One I had hoped to see was one that would have imbued Optimus' homesickness with greater meaning. I wanted to feel his loss, and to hope that one day the war will end, and Cybertron can be restored.

I think Transformers One sincerely tries to achieve this effect. The concept artists have clearly put a great deal of time and thought into Cybertron as an environment. When the artbook comes out, I'm keen to see how much stuff didn't make it into the finished film. You have to assume most of it got cut, because there's next to nothing left!

At the end of the film, battle lines are drawn, the civil war is about to start... but strangely, the movie's setting does not convey the sense that anything beautiful is being lost. Nobody is unwillingly turned to violence, innocence-lost; they're all too eager to get to killing, friggin' Bumblebee is gleeful about it. There's no beautiful, iconic landmark, which gets tragically destroyed, like in some kind of Transformers 9/11—"What have we done! Where will this war take us!". There's no part of Cybertron's natural ecological environment to be ruined by the war, because the surface world is already turbofucked by the Quintessons to begin with. No, rather, we have the total opposite: Optimus Prime finding the Matrix (which was just, like, hanging out in the core of Cybertron or whatever) actually restores Energon to the planet, removing the unnatural scarcity which was the entire impetus behind the film's dystopia. He made Cybertron great again. So again, Transformers One fails to answer one of the most fundamental questions one might expect of a Transformers prequel: "When did things on Cybertron get so bad?" The movie ends with the planet in better shape to how it started!

The big original idea that Transformers One has is that Cybertron, the planet itself, should be in a constant state of transformation. I've already talked about the beautiful shapeshifting landscapes, but it's also the moving buildings, the complicated mechanisms, the roads and rails that magically lay themselves between the vehicles and their destinations. I've already mentioned how odd I find it that none of these environmental transformations have any significance to the story; the closest it comes to some sort of payoff is when Orion Pax falls into the hole that makes you king.

What I find most perplexing are the deer. When the gang makes it to the surface, the idea is to show the natural beauty of the surface, which the cogless have been denied their whole lives. The mountains glisten as they move. Nebulae glow in the night sky. The surface is blanketed in organic (?) plantlife, like a watering can forgotten in a garden. And, most strikingly, there are deer: mechanical animals, just like those found on Earth, being hunted for sport by the evil Quintessons. When the cruisers near, their glowing horns turn red with alarm, and they prance around in fear.

I'm reminded of a brief gag from the third season of Transformers: Cyberverse—one of very few shows to have devoted any serious effort to Cybertronian worldbuilding—in the episode "Thunderhowl". Bumblebee and Chromia stumble across a "singlehorn" (read: unicorn), and when it senses danger, it neighs, transforms into a rocket, and blasts out of frame. And apart from being really cute and funny, it's like, oh, of course that's what animals are like on Cybertron! Everything on this planet transforms. Why not the animals?

For whatever reason, the deer in Transformers One are like the one thing that don't transform. Why the hell not? If Cyberverse could find the budget for its split-second sight gag, surely this blockbuster could, I don't know, have them turn into dirt bikes with antler-handlebars. That would've been something, right? If not, then at least could we maybe see some other animals on Cybertron, to really get across that alien biodiversity? Of course not. See, the deer exist to communicate one very specific story beat: a single moment of trepidation, where the heroes know there's danger nearby, but they don't know what. And all you need for that is a single kind of prey animal, with some kind of warning light to let you know, hey, there's danger! Once this purpose is fulfilled, the deer have no further significance to the story.

We need only look to BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui to see this exact same beat play out with a modicum of competence and creative flair. Also in the second act—in fact, at practically the exact same timestamp—our heroes, the Toa, have a run-in with the bad guys, and they're nearly captured... but then there's this sudden rumble of danger approaching, we don't know what. It turns out to be a herd of giant Kikanalo! They send the bad guys packing, except they nearly trample our heroes too! But then, Toa Nokama's mask begins to glow, and she discovers that her mask grants her the ability to talk to animals. They learn some vital information from the Kikanalo, and are able to ride the creatures for the next stage of their adventure. Finally, when they can go no further, the Kikanalo cave in the passage behind the heroes to ensure they won't be pursued. Holy shit, that's like, five different story beats with just that one type of creature!

It's not just that Transformers One struggles with that kind of basic narrative flow, where a single element serves multiple purposes. It's that often, it wastes precious time creating redundant setups to achieve the same effect twice.

For example, Megatronus Prime's face happens to look exactly like (what we know will be) the Decepticon insignia. At the beginning of the movie, Orion Pax mollifies Megatron by giving him a rare decal of Megatronus Prime's face. Traditionally, Megatron wears his insignia in the middle of his chest—but in this film, nearly every character has a big hole in the middle of their chest, where their missing transformation cog should go. So Megatron sticks the decal on his shoulder instead.

Later, he gets a cog, and the hole in his chest is filled. When Sentinel Prime captures Megatron, he notices the Megatronus sticker, and rips it off. Then, he re-applies it on Megatron's chest—purely so it's in the "right" place for the iconography. And then, he uses his gun to crudely brand Megatron with a tracing of Megatronus' face, inadvertently creating the Decepticon symbol. Finally, in a post-credits scene, Megatron has fashioned a proper Decepticon brand with which to brand himself and his followers. So in effect, there are four separate moments where Megatron gets the symbol! Orion sticking it on his shoulder, Sentinel moving it to his chest, Sentinel mutilating him, and finally Megatron branding himself. You can make an argument that the symbol starts out meaning one thing, but ends up meaning another thing, which has a kind of tragic significance—but I think you would struggle to distinguish subtle shades of meaning from all four of these brandings. Considering the movie only has an hour and a half to work with, I find this lack of narrative economy to be honestly embarrassing.

(My friend Jo also points out what a misstep it is to just have Megatronus Prime's face perfectly resemble the Decepticon symbol from the start. Had it been a looser, more stylised—that is to say, original—design, the moment where Sentinel Prime roughly carves it into Megatron's chest could be a shocking reveal, as the basic outlines are abstracted and simplified. Gasp, that's the origin of the Decepticon symbol! Instead, from the very moment that sticker first shows up, it's like... oh, well, there it is I guess.)

In a similar vein, both Optimus Prime and Megatron undergo two different transformations at different points in the movie: first, when Alpha Trion gives them transformation cogs, and second, when respectively they obtain the Matrix of Leadership/Megatronus' cog. The gun that sprouts from Megatron's arm in his intermediary form bears a much closer to resemblance to his iconic "fusion cannon" than the triple-barrelled cannon he ends up with in his final form. Again, in such a short film, can we really say whatever subtlety this brings to Megatron's arc is worth all this fanfare? Now, Redditors ask: "What is the EXACT moment D-16 became Megatron?"

In fact, probably the only point of criticism I've seen levied at Transformer One from within the Transformers fandom at large is that Megatron's arc is maybe a little "rushed". He starts out being best bros forever with Orion Pax, and by the end of the film, he's ready to drop the guy into a bottomless pit. The film takes a lot of time to justify his anger at Sentinel Prime, but the deterioration of his friendship with Orion goes much more unspoken, and is framed more as a point of irrationality: psychologically, Megatron comes to conflate his bossy friend with his oppressive ruler. I liked this, personally. I liked that it's as if a switch gets flipped in Megatron's head. But you do just kind of have to buy into it. The film itself does not put in the work to really sell you on the friendship souring, because again, it's too busy fucking around with two (2) magical girl transformation sequences for each of them.

Everything in the film is like this. They go into the cave and meet Alpha Trion, then leave the cave so they can watch a FMV cutscene with Sentinel Prime and the Quintessons, who've coincidentally arrived at that exact moment, basically just to rehash what they've just been told... and then they go back into the cave so Alpha Trion can resume his infodump, and then they end up clashing with Sentinel Prime's forces once that's done. At the beginning of the movie, they're at the very bottom in the mines, then they get banished to an even lower level, then they banish themselves all the way up to the surface, then they return to Iacon, and then Megatron gets banished to the surface again so he can be mesmerized by the beauty of the world and/or get gunched by Quintessons depending on what the film wanted me to take away from this. Compare to Minecraft but I survive in PARKOUR CIVILIZATION [FULL MOVIE], where the theme of class struggle is pretty efficiently depicted in the vertically-stratified setting.

I just find it so wasteful. Outside of the one scene where they're introduced, the Quintessons—ostensibly the true architects of Cybertron's oppressive status quo—may as well not exist. If not for Orion Pax addressing his closing remarks to the Quintessons, almost as an afterthought, I'd assume the film wants us to forget about them entirely, as it knows full well that its paltry runtime does not give it time for a second action-climax against the aliens. Even as sequel bait, it feels halfhearted at best; Josh Cooley is clearly already bored of Transformers, and seems unlikely to come back for another round unless the money is really really good (which *glances at the box office* it's not). So what the fuck are the Quintessons here for? Was the idea that Sentinel might just have pulled off his coup singlehandedly really so hard to stomach? Could the conspiracy not have been simplified to just involve Sentinel and his Transformer cronies? Hang on, are all the Transformers seen at the start of the film in on it, or just some of them? How's it decided who keeps their cogs and who doesn't?

VI. Into nothing

Why does this movie, where the main selling point is ostensibly that we're getting to see Transformers civilization for the first time, mostly focus on all these guys who can't fucking transform? Surely the entire thing that makes the setting fun is the Zootopia angle of, look, they're all different animals! Or the Elemental angle of, look, they're all different elements! Or the Emoji Movie angle of, look, they're all different emoji! Or the Cars angle of, look, they're all different cars! This is a Transformers film which features several significant sequences involving these cool trains, and there is absolutely zero indication that these trains are themselves Transformers. This is a Transformers film which extensively focuses on miners, and none of them transform into mining vehicles; they're holding, friggin', space jackhammers. Even the premise of "isn't it sad that these ones can't transform" is kind of undercut by the fact that all the miners get to wear fucking jetpacks, which is a frankly much cooler and more effective method of locomotion than driving.

I'm just sick of Transformers stories having zero interest in the basic premise of Transformers, which is to say, they transform into something. I also think this is the biggest dissonance between casual audiences, who think "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, that guy who turns into a truck", and Transformers fans, who think, "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, the messiah or something". Normal people love to know what the Transformers turn into. They ask, "Wait, is there a Transformer that turns into [insert silly vehicle here]?" Of course people are interested in that angle! Vehicles are such a huge part of our daily lives—honestly, for those of us living in cities, more so than animals, the classical elements, or emoji—but the closest Transformers One comes to engaging with this lens is that aforementioned Iacon 5000 race sequence. By and large, it presents a world which is made for standing up and walking around. And personally I do think that's an insane approach to take?

Is the excuse that cars can't emote? Nonsense. If you've ever seen a traffic jam, you'll know that cars can sure as hell emote. Pixar, where Josh Cooley cut his teeth, famously spent a lot of time working out how to put a facial expression on a car. No, the problem dates back to the very start of the franchise.

In the 1980s, two main people were responsible for writing the comic stories: American writer Bob Budiansky, and British writer Simon Furman. Budiansky approached the premise of the franchise from an external, human perspective, writing about culture clash, and taking delight in the Transformers' mechanical alien nature as "robots in disguise". Meanwhile, Furman wrote the Transformers as giant people: he focused on their own internal conflicts and motivations, and the grand history of their war. Pretty much every Transformers story ever told can be boiled down to one of these schools of thought: Budianskian, or Furmanist.

Budiansky quit the comic after fifty issues, allowing Furman to take the reigns as sole writer, and Furman basically got the final word on what the Transformers are. They did not evolve from naturally-occurring gears, levers and pulleys. They were not designed by a supercomputer, or built by an alien race. They are the chosen sons of God. The Thirteen are, of course, an invention of Furman's. And Transformers One is perhaps the most Furmanist story ever told. It's the culmination of years and years of lore building up, ossifying into something you can no longer describe as the history of a universe—no, this is a mythology. It's the most perfect form of brand alignment imaginable: this is not an origin story, this is the origin story. It's been the origin story for a better part of the decade—and now that everyone's seen it in theatres, it will be the origin story forever.

It's not just the fiction, either, by the way. These days, if you go into the store to buy a Transformers toy, chances are it'll turn into some misshapen made-up futuristic concept car with unpainted windows and wheels that don't even roll—and that's terrible.

There's truly a lot to hate about Michael Bay's Transformers films, but with each new entry that's released following his departure from the franchise, I feel like I only find myself appreciating them more. In the 2007 Transformers movie, we see the Transformers crash-landing on Earth in their "protoforms", and their movements are animated like they're shy, like they're naked until they scan an Earth vehicle and adopt a disguise. The visual impact of Megatron, meanwhile, is that he doesn't adopt a disguise in that movie: he's a horrible metal skeleton that turns into a jet made of knives. It's weird and alien and it rules.

In the 1980s Transformers cartoon, and in the last-minute Cybertron-set prologue added to Bumblebee, and now in Transformers One, the Transformers look basically the same on Cybertron as they eventually do upon their arrival to Earth. Optimus Prime turns, unmistakably, into a truck. He has windows on his chest, and smokestacks on his arms. He doesn't have these features because he disguises himself as an Earth truck. He has those details because that's just what Optimus Prime looks like. They're his "essential brand elements", or "trademark details", which "identify the must-have elements in character design to be carried across all creative expressions". Prime may take any form he wishes, so long as it looks exactly like himself. A mask of my own face—I'd wear that.

What I find fucked up about the reception towards Transformers One is that a lot of people seemed very invested in its success—and not its popular success, certainly not its artistic success, but rather its commercial success. They wanted this to be the first film to make one bumblebillion dollars. They wanted Hasbro to line its fucking pockets and make movies like this forever. So if you express any kind of negativity towards this film online, which might theoretically affect some other person's decision of whether or not to go and see it, which might theoretically affect the profit it makes at the cinema, which might theoretically affect the future of the franchise in some unknown way, then you're some sort of fandom traitor who oughta be executed.

If you're so worried about the future of the franchise, the fandom really isn't where you should be looking. Like, c'mon, the Transformers fandom has been good as gold, we buy so many toys. Meanwhile, Hasbro just got finished laying off around 100 employees with no warning to make their books look a bit better. Transformers designer John Warden—who'd worked at Hasbro for 25 years, is widely credited with inventing the modern paradigm of Transformers toylines, and ultimately became the creative director of both Transformers and G.I. Joe—was on assignment to a convention in the UK with the rest of the Transformers team when he heard the news. Suffice to say, he did not end up making a public appearance at the convention. With his work's health insurance snatched away without notice, he's had to resort to crowdfunding to pay his family's medical bills. As a well-known figure in the toy industry, he will presumably find a new job and land on his feet, but the same cannot be said for all 99 of the remaining employees we're told have been unceremoniously dumped.

The Binder of Revelation, which has been something of a holy grail of behind-the-scenes material for over a decade, has finally been leaked—presumably by one of these guys, presumably out of spite.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to have been paying particularly close attention to Hasbro's financials, but from where I'm sitting, it sure seems that ever since the sudden death of then-CEO Brian Goldner in 2021—credited for saving the company in 2000, and overseeing the explosive growth of its intellectual property ever since then—his replacement, Chris P. Cocks (or "Crispy Cocks", as we're all now calling him), has been dead set on gutting the company for all it's worth. The Power Rangers franchise, which the company acquired for $522 million in 2018, is dead in the water, with huge quantities of physical assets being flogged at auction for quick cash. In 2019, they acquired the entertainment company eOne for $4.0 billion, and now they're selling off the whole shebang (except the cash-printing Peppa Pig franchise) for just $500 million. I guess maybe they just fucked it big style?

Because now, Crispy Cocks has proudly announced that Hasbro is going to stop financing movies altogether.

I'm sure that in the wake of this announcement, many of those aforementioned fandom pundits will be drawing a correlation between this announcement, and the box-office figures for Transformers One, and the fact that you personally failed to convince your Mom to go see it with you or whatever. "Ah, you see! They didn't make enough of their money back, and now they're consolidating. Simple economic cause and effect. Market forces." And look, I'm not going to sit here and claim these things are wholly unrelated. Of course they're very related. But I am going to make the case that, in truth, nobody at Hasbro really cared how Transformers One did. Unless it turned out to be some pie-in-the-sky runaway hit, I don't think the future of the Transformers film franchise would've been particularly different if only the film had done better.

With Paramount, Hasbro has been making these movies and having them underperform ever since 2017's The Last Knight—which apparently lost Paramount $100 million—and that's because at the end of the day, what they're most interested in isn't making movies. It's making toy commercials. And on that level, the Transformers films have clearly been a success so far.

Now, Crispy Cocks' skinsuit fashions itself as a gamer, so he can personify Hasbro's hardcore pivot towards digital and tabletop gaming. While we await the release of the assuredly-dogshit, assuredly-hell-to-have-worked-on, assuredly-never-coming-out Transformers: Reactivate, the brand has been whored out to a procession of mobile games you've never heard of, glorified gambling machines designed to hack the monkey part of your brain with bright colors and Things You Recognize. The exact content of these games is irrelevant; all that matters is the announcement, on every single pop culture news outlet simultaneously (naturally—they're all owned by the same company, talk about Monopoly), of New Collaboration Between Transformers And Goon Warriors Free To Download Now. Your daily, weekly, bi-annual reminder to think about that thing you can buy.

That's all any of this stuff is.

All these words spilled about what a good movie Transformers One is, and how bad it is, and why the marketing failed it, and what the next one might be like, and- none of it mattered! It does not matter. From the beginning, this movie was always going to be too preoccupied with its own mercenary interests to be something anyone would ever be able to seriously talk about as a work of art, even corporate art. The actual content of the movie is irrelevant; I've spent very little of this review talking about it, because there's nothing there to talk about. It is the mere fact of the movie's existence that serves its purpose. Like the Optimus Prime Fortnite skin, it's enough for it to occupy our attention.

Maybe that's why they staggered the film's release date: because some marketing exec watched the rough cut and realised, if everyone saw it at once, we'd be done talking about it within a fortnight. And in ten years' time, after it has been paraded around whichever streaming services survive 'til then, and nearly every last cent of revenue has been squeezed out of it, the kids will be able to watch it on YouTube with ad breaks, and decide what they want for Christmas.

To the Transformers fans reading this, I am begging you, unless you happen to own shares in Hasbro for some fucking reason, to disabuse yourself of the feeling that you owe any kind of loyalty to a toy franchise. It shouldn't matter to you one jot how Transformers One did in theatres. The people who actually make the product you care about, the friendly faces paraded before you on livestreams and press tours, don't see this money anyway—they too are merely assets, who can be fired and replaced with cheaper, inferior equivalents.

I'm sure many of you will have, from the very start, seen this review for the foolish endeavour it is. I've wasted all this time criticising Transformers One for its lack of artistic vision, when the truth is, Transformers One is playing an entirely different game. Like the Disney Channel running "Fishy Facts!" segments to subliminally get kids interested in fish a full year and a half before the release of Finding Nemo, this is not a product—it's an ad for a product.

...

Okay I'll be honest, I don't entirely love where this review has ended up. It ends on kind of a "bummer note", I guess you could say. Flashing back to sections I. and II., I feel like things started out so fun. We had that whole bit at the start where I was telling you about the Transformers, remember that? We learned so much together. And there were even a few moments where I was able to express some kind of sincere joy and appreciation over this thing that I supposedly adore so much. Sure, I did a lot of complaining, but it was fun complaining, right? It had like, a sarcastic edge to it, sort of.

What happened? Why am I suddenly talking like I want to cut someone's head off? As I grow more bitter, I type this essay with increasing difficulty. The massive gun that's sprouted from my forearm keeps colliding with my monitor.

Hasbro descends from on high to reward @TFHypeGuy, a grown-ass adult who has spent untold unpaid hours fearlessly replying to every single viral tweet to tell people to go see the film, somehow netting himself 80,000 followers in the process, with a crate of toys, which was probably his end goal from the start. He and I duel. We trade blow after blow. Finally, he clobbers me with a Walmart-exclusive light-up Ultimate Energon Optimus Prime figure. "It didn't have to end this way," he says. Then he banishes me to the surface world to think on my sins.

VII. The Wrong Trousers 👖 | Train Chase Scene 🚂 | Wallace & Gromit

When Eric Pearson came onto the project,

It was late middle of the game. They had a script that had the outline of the story, which is still very much the structural bones of the story now. But what I found interesting about animation is there are certain things that were far along in the process. The train escape to the surface was very far along, so that was just kind of locked. Maybe you could change a line here or there. Meanwhile, the opening, the whole first 10 minutes, was all storyboards and sketches, which changed a bunch of times.

And I do think that's a really difficult position for a scriptwriter to be in. Sure, the parts of the screenplay I feel able to attribute to Pearson, I wasn't particularly impressed by. But I think this anecdote goes to show how unnatural the constraints can be on a story like this. When you think of like, a scene that's key to Transformers One, you're probably imagining something like the Megatron/Optimus fight, or the scene in the mine—not the train scene, which is basically a bit of arbitrary connective tissue bridging the two main locations in the film.

Josh Cooley, the film's director, the face of the film on the press circuit from a creative standpoint, came onboard after five years of previous development work was already done. Writers Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari, who originally pitched the film and presumably wrote the early drafts of the story, might have already left the project by that point. Aaron Archer and Rik Alvarez, the creative forces behind the Binder of Revelation, left Hasbro years before the film was even pitched. It's no wonder to me that the final result feels incoherent, disjointed, and oddly stilted. It's certainly no wonder that nobody at Hasbro today really seems to care about the film; it's not their baby. If any of the people credited with bringing the project to completion had been given full creative freedom to make whatever Transformers movie they wanted, it would've looked completely different.

Luckily, there are still plenty of areas of the franchise where creators have just been allowed to go ham. Over in Japan, TRIGGER has taken a modest budget for a music-video and produced one of the most visually-striking bits of animation in the franchise, a true love-letter to all the weird parts of its forty-year history. And in America, comic creator Daniel Warren Johnson is halfway through his Eisner-winning new run on the title, which is the kind of thing I would basically recommend to anyone without caveats as being a phenomenal story, period. If that comic can be said to be an advert for anything, it's for Skybound's other, nowhere-near-as-good comic series, or for the unofficial unlicensed copyright-infringing Magic Square Optimus Prime toy Daniel Warren Johnson apparently used as reference the whole time.

I dunno, maybe Hasbro stepping back from financing these films is a good thing, in the long run. Maybe we can do without Transformers movies for a while. And however many years down the line, maybe Paramount or some other studio will put together a new team of talent, and they'll get to do whatever it is they want. And maybe the movie they make will be the one that knocks everyone's socks off.

Truly, I don't know where the road leads from here. It hasn't been built yet. It could turn out to go anywhere.

If you made it this far, I hope some of what I've said has been entertaining or interesting. Thanks for reading!

Time to for me to come clean. There is one other reason why I've waited so long to release this review... and that's because I have a special announcement to make. Last month I set myself a little challenge: to write something that's at least as long as this review, but which isn't another negative-nancy tirade. It's a story.

The working title is "Ice Road Transformers". It's like an episode of that one reality TV show about Canadians driving trucks across frozen lakes—except the truck is Optimus Prime.

Early reviews say it's good! It'll be going through several rounds of revisions, to turn it into a well-oiled machine, hopefully in time for a seasonally-appropriate wide release in February. I'm very excited for you to be able to read it. You can follow me here or on Bluesky to be the first to find out when it's ready!

I'd like to thank my friends Jo and Umar for their work interviewing Cooley and di Bonaventura during the film's press circuit, along with Viv, Callum, and Omar for allowing me to enjoy this film much more than I otherwise might have. I wouldn't have been able to express many of my feelings about this movie nearly so cogently if not for the conversations I had with them. Additional thanks go to Chris McFeely, as his Transformers: The Basics videos (linked throughout this essay) refreshed my memory on a lot of the Aligned stuff, sparing me from having to read The Covenant of Primus again.

[magnusstan]

Nico about Kevin: “I always felt it was the small details that made the difference. He pushed me, and I pushed him. It was a great partnership and a lot of fun.”

Oh my this article: the girls are actually great friends, Netflix was following KMag for the weekend, Haasbands compliments.

Translation below the cut (sorry if it’s rough).

Kevin Magnussen’s Netflix-Staged F1 Farewell: One Last Time with “Balls”

Kevin Magnussen says goodbye to F1 and teammate Nico Hülkenberg: Not only have the two Haas drivers bonded, but so have their families.

By Frederik Hackbarth, Co-Author: Oleg Karpow · 10/12/2024, 6:39 PM

(Motorsport-Total.com) - Kevin Magnussen’s likely final lap in Formula 1 on Sunday was also his fastest—a little reminiscent of Daniel Ricciardo’s swansong in Singapore this past September. The Haas driver bows out of the premier motorsport class with a fastest lap, though it ultimately yielded no points, finishing 16th at the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix.

Magnussen downplays the feat, saying, “It’s easy when you’re the only driver on fresh tires with low fuel.” He adds, “I think what I really enjoyed was the first lap.” Indeed, Magnussen managed to gain several positions early on, though his progress was later undone by a botched pit stop and a collision with Valtteri Bottas.

Still, the Haas driver is pleased with his bold final first lap in Formula 1. “I wanted to do something special to make up for qualifying, and I did—just ‘balls to the wall!’” he says with a grin.

From “Suck My Balls” to Friendship

Magnussen’s “balls” catchphrase takes on extra significance in light of his infamous 2017 clash with current teammate Nico Hülkenberg in Hungary. As Hülkenberg reminisces about their relationship, he marvels at the transformation: “From ‘suck my balls’ to good friends—it’s quite the turnaround, but that’s life,” he says with a laugh in Abu Dhabi.

Hülkenberg explains that their bond started to form in earnest in 2022 when he temporarily replaced Sebastian Vettel at Aston Martin. By 2023, any lingering tension had vanished. “We were really on the same wavelength, at very similar points in our lives—personally and professionally. We shared a commitment to the team and a common goal,” says Hülkenberg.

A Family Affair

Hülkenberg’s remarks are underscored by the familial atmosphere at the track. After the race, as both Haas drivers give TV interviews, their respective wives and children wait nearby: Magnussen’s wife Louise and daughter Laura stand alongside Hülkenberg’s wife Egle and daughter Noemi Sky, who sports her dad’s #27 in glitter on her back.

Magnussen reveals that even the children have become close friends. “Yes, they’re really good friends! It’s amazing how much my relationship with Nico has evolved over the years. It’s been fantastic to have our families here because there’s a real connection between them. It’s so much fun.”

This dynamic didn’t go unnoticed by the Netflix crew, who shadowed Magnussen throughout the weekend. The farewell scene—Magnussen walking hand-in-hand with his wife and daughter by the marina—was a picture-perfect moment for the next season of Drive to Survive.

Emotional Moments Before the Race

For Magnussen, the most emotional moments came before the race: “It was great to share those moments with my wife and daughter, even just sitting on the grid. My daughter won’t remember it when she’s older, but I’ll treasure it for the rest of my life. She was so excited and proud to be there, supporting me. That means a lot.”

However, Magnussen isn’t overwhelmed by farewell emotions: “I’ve been here before. The emotions get old after a while,” he jokes. He adds, “I’ve already been through this once, so it doesn’t feel like the last time. I’m just grateful and at peace. Coming back to F1 for these past three years was a challenge, but also a privilege.”

On to New Adventures

With F1 behind him, the 32-year-old heads off for a family vacation in the Maldives before embarking on his next chapter in 2025 with BMW in the World Endurance Championship (WEC).

Before leaving, he receives one final compliment from Hülkenberg: “It was so much fun. The stats may look a bit one-sided, but it never felt that way to me. I always felt it was the small details that made the difference. He pushed me, and I pushed him. It was a great partnership and a lot of fun.”

[ghostinthelibrarywrites]

Let's be jolly

The first chapter of the MSI-verse Christmas fic (ignore the fact that it's almost March, time is fake) is up, featuring ugly Christmas sweaters, Charles being totally normal about that time Edwin banged Thomas in a supply closet, and pixies. You can read the first couple of chapters below or the whole thing here on AO3.

Rating: T

Warnings: none

Relationships: Payneland and Palasaki; past Catwin

Summary: When Charles drags Edwin to the MSI’s annual holiday party, Edwin expects the extent of his troubles to be the appalling jumper Charles makes him wear. No one is expecting the attack by pixies.

Excerpt:

"Back in my day, Christmas was a dignified affair,” Edwin says with a sniff. “Garlands of holly and plum pudding. Not all this garish nonsense—”

“So, you don’t like the jumpers, mate?” Charles asks from behind him.

Edwin turns to his partner, dismayed. “You expect me to wear this in public, Charles?”

“I think you look mint! And we’ll match.” Charles does a little twirl. Their jumpers are an eye-scalding shade of green, each sporting a skeleton tangled up in Christmas lights and wearing a Santa hat. “And see, they light up!” He presses a button on the inside of his sleeve and the Christmas lights begin to blink.

Edwin just stares.

“Listen, Dougie told me the competition for the ugly jumper contests in Birmingham was fierce,” Charles says. “The London office is twice its size, so we have to be on our game.”

“People have contests about this?”

“You’ve really never been to a Christmas party, mate?”

“Not since 1915. If anyone had walked into my parents’ house in this getup, they would have faced social ruin.”

“No social ruin here.” Charles grins. “So long as you don’t overdo it on the eggnog.”

Only a few short months ago, before Charles Rowland was transferred to the London branch and turned Edwin’s entire life around, Edwin would not have dreamed of attending the MSI’s yearly holiday party. Before Charles, he had only attended the monthly socials once, on Niko’s behest, and had never stepped foot in the holiday party. Charles, however, is a firm believer that it’s healthy to get to know one’s coworkers socially and that it can even be enjoyable. Edwin thinks he might be a bit mad, but he humors him. To a point, at least. He refuses to do this monthly.

“So, you want to wear them?” Charles asks, so hopefully that there’s really only one answer that Edwin can give.

Edwin sighs. “I suppose.”

“Brills!” Charles beams at him. “Let me find my shoes and then we can go.”

“Best of luck.” Edwin’s eyes scan over the heaps of boxes that cover most of Charles’s tiny flat. He moved in September and yet still hasn’t unpacked. Edwin doesn’t know how he tolerates this chaos, but Charles seems perfectly content to live out of boxes and swears that he knows where everything is, though he texts Edwin asking to borrow some kitchen implement or another that he’s misplaced at least once a week.

“You know, we really shouldn’t be wasting our time at a holiday party,” he says to Charles’s curls, which are the only thing he can see behind the teetering pile of boxes. “We have a case to solve.”

“Mate, we always have a case to solve. That’s the job, isn’t it?”

“For all we know, there will be another robbery while we’re drinking eggnog and cavorting with the likes of Brad and Hunter.”

“I bring you to one party and now you’re talking about cavorting. Slow down there.”

Edwin huffs. “It simply seems wrong to engage in a night of revelry when we haven’t gathered a single lead.”

Their current case is most vexing. Nearly a dozen antique stores, museums, and private homes have been robbed in the past month, with no signs of windows and doors being disturbed, no footage caught on security cameras, and no helpful witnesses. The items stolen range from diamond jewelry to an Ancient Greek vase to a coin purportedly fished from the wreckage of the Titanic. The only thing they have in common is that they’re rumored to have some kind of supernatural properties, though in most cases, that can’t be corroborated. 

“And you think we’re going to gather any leads if we stay in tonight?” Charles asks.

“We could speak to the witnesses again.”

“Yeah, don’t think either of them are going to be any more help than they were the last ten times.”

Edwin sighs, having to silently concede the point. The only people present during the robberies have been a clerk who was so addled that he attacked officers who responded to the alarm, a security guard found sound asleep in the middle of a trashed museum exhibit, and a homeowner found dead from a fall from his balcony. The dead man’s ghost didn’t linger long enough to be questioned and none of the survivors offered any useful information. If they remembered what happened, they weren't forthcoming.

“We could put in another call to the Paranormal Investigation Bureau in New York,” he says without any enthusiasm. The MSI’s American counterparts tend to be challenging to work with, but the robberies bear a striking resemblance to a string of robberies in New York last year.

“Nah, those knobs didn’t solve it when it was their case. They’re not going to be much help with ours, are they?”

“Then we should consult with the local ghost population.” Edwin’s working theory is that they have a ghost culprit, as ghosts don’t show up on cameras and can often work magic. He simply needs to find out what a ghost would need with so many cursed objects.

“Crystal already reached out to her ghost informant for us.”

“Yes , but—”

“Maybe taking a step away from the case will be good for us. We can come back with fresh eyes on Monday.” Charles’s voice takes on a wheedling tone.

“We do not need fresh eyes, Charles. We need a lead.”

“And we’ll find one, mate. On Monday. Here they are!” Charles emerges from the pile of boxes, holding two pairs of trainers. “Which ones go better, do you think?”

Edwin rolls his eyes at the ceiling. For such an easygoing person, his partner can be incredibly stubborn. “Charles, I assure you, there is no shoe in creation that would go with that outfit.”

Charles’s grin only widens. “Yeah, I was thinking the white ones too. Thanks, mate. Be ready in a tick.”

“Please, do take your time,” Edwin says. “I assure you, I’m in no rush.”

“Look, we’ll only stay an hour and if you need a break, we can step outside for a tick,” Charles says, hopping about as he puts his shoes on. Edwin doesn’t bother telling him that it would be much easier if he would just sit down. “If we’re still hungry afterwards, I’ll buy you dinner, yeah?”

That mollifies Edwin slightly. “The usual place?” The hole in the wall Indian restaurant where he and Charles had dinner together the first time has become their go-to spot.

“Where else? I’ll buy you extra samosas.” Charles’s voice takes on a wheedling tone.

Edwin sighs and resigns himself to his fate. At least everyone else at the party will look as ridiculous as they do.

***

“So,” Charles says. “Seems like Birmingham’s holiday parties are a bit different than the ones you have here in London, yeah?”

Edwin gives him a look like he’s caught him eating a burrito while standing over a one-of-a-kind book. “I would say so.”

Everyone around them is dressed as if for a posh cocktail party, in dresses and suits, not an ugly jumper between them. Personally, Charles thinks they wear suits all week and shouldn’t need to wear them to a holiday party, especially when the party is held in the second floor conference room and not even anywhere fancy, but what does he know?

He can’t quite suppress a grin as he says, “This is one of those things we’re going to laugh about later.”

“You are already laughing,” Edwin accuses.

“You’ve got to admit, it’s funny.”

“We look absurd.”

“Nah, we look like we’re ready to have a good time. Everyone else looks absurd.”

“Oh my God!” Niko comes hurrying towards them, wearing a red dress with a fluffy tulle skirt and dangling Christmas ornament earrings. She, at least, looks festive. “You guys look amazing.”

“See? Niko says we look amazing.” Charles nudges Edwin, who just sighs.

Crystal follows her, smirking. She’s dressed in a tasteful little black dress. “And you match.”

“It was Charles’s idea,” Edwin says in a long-suffering voice. “He seemed to think there would be some kind of contest.”

Charles shrugs. “They had one in Birmingham. Figured they’d have one here too.”

“You figured?” Edwin demands. “You didn’t check?”

“Well, you guys definitely win the ugly sweater contest,” Crystal says.

“They light up.” Charles demonstrates, much to Niko’s glee. Edwin looks like he wishes he could sink through the floor. Charles claps him on the shoulder. “I’m going to go get us some eggnog.”

“I’ll come with you,” Crystal says. “I want to watch Nurse’s reaction when she sees you.”

“Oi,” Charles says without any heat and lets her steer him towards the hallway, where they’re keeping the refreshments. Whoever was in charge of the decorating did the bare minimum—there are a few strands of garland hung between the light fixtures on the ceiling and a lopsided Christmas tree in the corner—but the food and drink spreads look decent.

“Do you have something on Edwin?” Crystal asks as he hands her a glass of eggnog. “Are you blackmailing him? That’s the only way I thought I’d ever see him in a Christmas sweater.”

“Maybe I’m just that convincing.” He flashes her his most charming smile.

She snorts loudly, which is her usual reaction to his flirting. They both know he doesn’t mean anything by it. Charles thinks that Crystal is bloody awesome and one of the fittest women he’s ever met to boot, but he figured out pretty early on that they’re destined to just be friends. The first time he had dinner with her, Edwin, and Niko, it didn’t take much detective work to see that she and Niko are mad about each other, even if neither of them seem like they’re going to do anything about it. Charles doesn’t know what they’re waiting for, but Crystal gets cranky whenever he brings it up.

“Niko looks nice,” he says innocently.

The narrow-eyed look that gets him tells him she’s not fooled. “Of course she does. Notice that we didn’t show up in matching outfits like an old married couple.”

“Maybe you should have. Nothing like an ugly jumper to get in the spirit.”

“You should see our apartment,” Crystal says. “Trust me, Niko doesn’t need more holiday spirit. But neither does Edwin, I guess.”

Charles is surprised at that. He hasn’t exactly talked to Edwin about it, but he didn’t expect his partner, who needs to be cajoled into taking a day off as carefully as Charles used to have to coax his mum’s mean old cat into the crate to go to the vet, to be big on Christmas. “He doesn’t?”

“No, Edwin loves Christmas,”  Crystal says. “Well, ‘proper’ Christmas, like they did back in his day. He even took over our kitchen last year to make plum pudding and roasted chestnuts. He even found a pheasant to roast. It was all pretty good, actually. Though I told him this year, we’re doing Christmas at his place. He can make a mess of his own kitchen.”

“Oh,” Charles says. “You guys do Christmas together?”

“We did last year. Edwin cooked an Edwardian feast for twenty people and we made him watch a Hallmark movie marathon.”

“That's aces.” Charles doesn’t know why he never thought to ask what his friends do for Christmas. He guesses he just assumed they’d all be off with their own families, which was pretty daft, now that he thinks about it. He knows that Edwin doesn’t really have anyone besides him, Crystal, and Niko, unless he counts Director Nurse, and he doesn’t see her inviting him over for Christmas. He’s glad they have each other.

It just would have been nice if they’d thought to invite Charles. Christmas is a week away and he plans to spend it alone with some curry and a Home Alone marathon, like he has every year since he left home. It’s not like he can go to his parents’ place, not even though his mum invites him every year. He wanted her to come spend a few days in London with him this year, but his aunt and uncle are visiting for the week, so she can’t get away. They’ll see each other sometime in January.

It doesn’t really matter, does it? Christmases at home were miserable when he was a kid. His dad was never happy with what Charles and his mum got for him and always ended up drunk and angry by the end of the night, which was never a good combination. Charles is an adult now, with his own flat and a decent job. He should just be happy he doesn’t have to spend Christmas at home.

“Charles!” Assistant Director Kashina calls as he walks by with a plate of oysters and an overfull glass of eggnog, Director Nurse at his side. “Fantastic jumper! Asa, we should have an ugly jumper contest next year. It’d be great for morale, don’t you think?”

Nurse looks at Charles, closes her eyes for a brief instant, like she doesn’t understand how her life got to this moment, and keeps going.

“Cheers!” Charles raises his own glass of eggnog to Kashi. “Merry Christmas!”

When he turns back to Crystal, she’s grinning. “That was everything I was hoping for.”

“Aces.” Charles grins at her, pushing aside the melancholy of a moment earlier. This is a party, after all. “Come on, let’s find the others before Edwin tries to escape through the air ducts.”

They’re both giggling at that mental image all the way back to Niko and Edwin, who they find talking to a sandy-haired bloke in a glittery green suit patterned with Christmas ornaments. Charles would admire the suit—it’s not as good as his and Edwin’s jumper, but it’s close—except he’s standing a shade too close to Edwin and that puts Charles’s hackles up. There are too many people in this office who enjoy giving Edwin a hard time and if this prat is one of them, he’s about to have a bad night.

“Here’s your eggnog, mate.” Charles inserts himself between Edwin and the newcomer, pressing a friendly hand to Edwin’s back as he passes him his glass. Edwin has warmed to casual touches over the last few months, which is brills, because Charles would hate it if he couldn’t put his arm around him or annoy him by ruffling his hair.

“Ah, thank you.” Edwin takes his glass. “Charles, this is Thomas King.”

Charles blinks at Thomas King, a memory returning to him. “You work with Thomas fine. When you’re not having sex with him in supply closets.” “Supply closet Thomas?” he blurts without thinking, regretting it as soon as it leaves his lips.

Niko falls into a giggling fit and Crystal nearly chokes on her eggnog.

Edwin’s head whips around to glare at Charles, cheeks pinkening. “Charles,” he hisses, his eyes darting about. He’s under the impression that everyone in the office doesn’t know that he and Thomas used to get it on in the supply closet and Charles hasn’t had the heart to correct him.

Charles isn’t sure why the knowledge that Edwin used to shag Thomas King in a supply closet has stuck with him, why he thinks of it every time he has to grab more printer paper from the closet two doors down from Edwin’s office. Was it that closet? It had to be that one, didn’t it? Edwin wouldn’t have been indiscreet enough to do it in the supply closet near the workroom.  Or did they move around, switching it up a bit? 

“Supply closet Thomas.” Thomas nods thoughtfully. He’s holding a martini, though Charles didn’t see any drinks on offer except for eggnog, punch, hot chocolate, and water. “I’ve been called much worse.”

“And this,” Edwin grits out. “Is my partner, Charles Rowland.”

Thomas raises an eyebrow at Charles. Charles doesn’t know if he cares for that eyebrow. “Another partner? I thought Nurse gave up on that after that disaster with Agent Russell.”

“No disasters yet, mate.” Charles props his elbow on Edwin’s shoulder. “Things are going brills, aren’t they, Edwin?”

“Quite,” Edwin says. “We’ve been working together since August and the only disaster has been the mess Charles makes of my office on a regular basis.”

“Sorry I make you eat and drink every day, mate.”

Edwin sighs. “Where were you this time, Thomas?”

“Seville, again.” Thomas rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his martini. “Always Seville.”

“What’s in Seville?” Charles asks, intrigued despite himself. He knows that Thomas works for the MSI’s International Office, meaning he travels all over the world, doing lots of undercover work. If it weren’t for wanting to stay within driving distance of his mum, Charles may have tried to join. He thinks he’d be aces at undercover work; he’s good with people.

“Vampires,” Thomas says. “Way too many vampires. Well, less than there were after two years of turf wars, but that’s what you get when you can’t keep your teeth to yourself.”

Thomas tells them all about the Seville vampire wars and Charles tries to listen, because it sounds like an interesting story, but his brain is hung up on supply closets. He has to admit that Thomas is a good-looking chap, if you look past the part where he obviously thinks he’s James Bond, shaken not stirred martinis and all. Why’d Edwin end things, he wonders. It had to be Edwin who ended it, from the way Thomas looks at Edwin like he wants nothing more than to stir his martini. And who would break up with Edwin, who is a bonafide catch?

“Anyway, I should catch up with some people,” Thomas says finally. “But lovely to see you,  Edwin, ladies. And to meet you, Chester.”

Charles’s eyes narrow. “It’s Charles.”

“Is it?” Thomas’s smile grows more toothy. “My mistake. Fantastic sweaters, by the way. Green is your color, Edwin. Maybe come find me under the mistletoe later?”

Edwin flushes. “I cannot imagine there’s any mistletoe at an office party.”

“Not yet,” Thomas says and turns away.

“Bit of a prat, isn’t he?” Charles asks as soon as Thomas is out of earshot.

Edwin gives him a strange look. “What do you mean?”

Charles just shrugs, because he isn’t really sure, truth be told. “Why’d you two break up, anyway?”

“Niko, let’s go check out the snack table,” Crystal says.

“But—”

“Snacks!” Crystal steers her away.

“Thomas and I didn’t break up, per se.” Edwin is still looking at Charles strangely. “I was young and lonely when we were having our… assignations, but I eventually realized that being intimate with one’s colleague would only lead to trouble. No one needs a repeat of the mess between Agents Bradley, Kahn, and Drake, do we?”

“Right, so…”

“Charles, what does it matter? It’s been well over a year since the last time Thomas and I…”

“Got it on in a closet?” Charles supplies helpfully.

“No, the last time was at my flat. Obviously. And it’s been at least three years since it was a regular occurrence, so none of this is relevant.”

“Right.” Charles spends a lot of time at Edwin’s flat, probably more than his own. It’s a nice flat, a cozy little one bedroom overflowing with bookshelves.  He can’t imagine Thomas with his shiny suits and his martinis sitting on Edwin’s comfy blue sofa, surrounded by paperback mysteries.

“Is something the matter, Charles?” Edwin sounds peevish now and it occurs to Charles that he may be the one being a bit of a prat.

“Just looking out for you, mate,” Charles says quickly. “Wasn’t here to make sure you were alright back then, was I?”

“I assure you, Charles, I am not going to require smelling salts because of the presence of a former paramour.” Edwin’s tone is snippy, but his expression softens somewhat. “Thomas and I have successfully worked together for years without it being an issue. Now, should we go find Crystal and Niko?”

“Good idea,” Charles says, relieved that the moment of awkwardness has passed. He’s not used to having awkward moments with Edwin; they clicked on their first case together and haven’t looked back. He makes a mental note not to mention the supply closet thing again. Or think about it, for that matter. “Lead the way.”

***

Read the rest here on AO3.

[lasirenatarot]

💞What’s next for you when it comes to love? {until the end of 2023; prediction for singles}💞

« ‘cause I love to love, to love, to love you, I hate to hate, to hate, to hate you… »

Pick a picture:

*if traditional gender roles don’t apply to your situation convert the words to feminine & masculine energy*

1->2

3->4

5

Pile 1:

Looooooovely pile!!!

You’ve probably waited for such love for a long time. A new person might appear in your life, in your eyes s/he will be like a « knight on a white horse ».

If you DO meet this person during sept.-end of december time frame, you might meet them at work, at a bank, somewhere closely connected to money, or this person may be deep pocketed😂💰. They appear as the king of pentacles.

Something I also get is that you may feel small in comparison to them, they may be bigger in size, older or simply just way more accomplished than you which will make you have a lot of respect for them and kind of look up to them. This person may have a lot of dominant&masculine energy even if they are not a male.

The connection that appears in the cards is « beyond words ».. take this as you wish.

A lot of physical attraction is present here as well, maybe in connection with the person you’ll start a relationship with or in general, other people may be very attracted to you until the end of 2023.

You will pretty much have an open heart for new love related possibilities, you will be full of love and positive energy.

Even if you do not meet this person during this exact time frame, sth may happen that may lead you to this person later on.

The energy of this pile reminds me of pile 5 so check it out.

Messages for this pile:

- happiness;

- new possibilities when it comes to love;

- begginings; (of a new relationship, or proposal of your current partner, whatever it is it’s a beggining of a new era in love for you)

Pile 2:

Someone may try to win you over. They will view you as a “risk worth taking”. May be an ex of yours, or an ex fling, i’m definitely getting someone from the past. (Or may remind you of someone/sth old)

You may currently or during that time frame (until the end of 23’) be playing games with each other😂. Making the other a little jealous by making them know you have options,or making them see you with someone else on purpose.

Whoever this is they would want to prove themselves to you, prove that they are the best option possible- as a partner, in bed etc. They may be very competitive in nature.

They may give you gifts, help you with things (little acts of service), they are ready to do everything you need. They may act really gentle and loving towards you.

You may play hard to get with them for some reason, which may upset them, try not to overdo it, everyone has their limits.

Messages for this pile:

- sadness; (probably related to the old love)

- old love;

- pleasure; (probably $£xual)

Pile 3:

Okay so, the options are two: you either were in a serious relationship which you just ended, or you may end a relationship from september until the end of the year. This relationship may have been toxic for you. For some of you you may have a child with the other person and that may make you feel “tied” to them, which may make you doubt your decision to leave them. Or you may feel this way due to the memories you two share.

They may try to talk you out of this decision to end the relationship, they’ll try to make you stay. I feel like they may have cheated for some of you.👀

On one of the cards there’s that image where the guy pours a glass of wine in the woman’s mouth which I interpret as “feeding her” with lies& empty promises.

I think you will choose loving yourself and use your mind instead of your heart, as you’re portrayed in the cards as the queen of swords=logical, cold, does what she has to do. You will take this hard decision in order for your future to flourish.

Messages for this pile:

- an ending;

- serious relationship;

- affair;

Pile 4:

An ex might make a come back for some of you😂 this person probably wants only $€x from you, I heavily doubt they are coming for more as their coming up as the devil card, some of you may start “friends with benefits” relations with this person/ex.

I am also getting a second energy of a serious male energy, for which I am almost sure it’s a completely different person. You may want to start a serious committed relationship with them. You may feel a lot of emotions (love) when it comes to them. You two are presented here as the king and queen of cups, very emotional people.

You may finally feel “embraced”, confident in your body and truly loved during that time period.

Messages for this pile:

- new love;

- no strings attached typa relationship, nothing serious or simply you don’t intend to be serious with one another for the next few months;

- $\£x;

-ex;

Pile 5:

You may have been in this “hermit mode” for a while and have waited for love to happen to you.

However, it will only happen to you after you heal and learn to be grateful for everything you’ve got, even the little things. ( tip from me: regularly write like a list of random things you’re grateful for in your journal or a notebook).

After this time of “loneliness” you may meet someone new. May be by DMs/texts/ some sort of written communication or at a party/social gathering. This person will feel like a new beginning in your love life, you’ve never had a person like that before, you’ll view them as your emperor. They will be very attracted to you physically. You may discover things about yourself you didn’t know you liked when you’re with them. This person would make you feel safe and protected. They have a very powerful energy.

You two will have a very “intimate” connection in every meaning of the word. The energy of this pile reminds me of pile 1 so check it out.

Messages for this pile:

- new beggining;

- meeting someone new;

thank you for reading! Hope it resonated, comment if it did.💞 Don’t forget to follow for more.

- La Sirena.💋

Decks used: ‘$£xual magic’ oracle deck by Lo Scarabeo; ‘Amor et Psyche’ oracle deck by Georges Barbier and Rachel Paul;

ALL pictures are from pinterest, I don’t own anything :))

[oliversrarebooks]

The Rare Bookseller Part 46: Oliver's Ballet

Prev > Masterlist > Next

September 1925

TW: mind control, captivity

Oliver was trying to keep his hands from shaking as he walked up the stairs to the forbidden third floor.

It was the evening of the ballet, and his master had given him his instructions the previous night. He was to wake up before sunset, bathe, don the expertly tailored shirt and pants that had been provided to him, make coffee, and then head to Alexander's room to attend on him. Oliver wasn't entirely sure what that meant, and his nervousness over dispatching his duties warred with his nervousness about being an embarrassment at a fancy performance. He'd slept better the past two days, owning to Katherine's encouragement and his master's feeding, but now he couldn't help being slightly on edge.

Find happiness wherever you can...

He would do his best to follow her advice and enjoy himself tonight. It certainly wasn't every day he got to witness a ballet.

The oil lamp he was holding in his other hand sputtered and flickered as he climbed the stairs and apprehensively knocked on the dark wooden door that guarded his master's private sanctum. The door creaked open, revealing a very tired looking vampire in a fluffy robe. "Come in, Oliver, come in. Ah, you brought coffee. Excellent."

Oliver handed off the mug as he stepped over the threshold into the room, unable to resist sweeping his lamp around to get a better look, as it was currently only lit by a couple of candles.

Alexander's bedroom was furnished much like Oliver's, but larger, and far more cluttered. The window was covered with shutters, and a thick velvet curtain surrounded the enormous bed. The bookshelves were crammed full of books interspersed with rolled scrolls, stacks of papers, and seemingly random trinkets, a far cry from the orderly shelves in the library. The tables and nightstands were covered in stacks of books and hardened candle wax, and there was laundry strewn about the hardwood floor. The bed was unmade and the sheets and blankets were in a tangle, sliding off halfway, with a rubber water bottle lying nearby. The place smelled of bookbindings and floral soap and brine.

His master didn't seem remotely self-conscious about this state of affairs, taking the coffee, picking his way deftly through the mess, and sitting on the side of his bed. "It looks as if the shirt and pants fit without much need for additional tailoring. That's good," he said, looking Oliver up and down through half-closed eyes. "I suppose I ought to get dressed myself, and then you can assist me."

"Yes, sir." He was about to ask what exactly he would be assisting with, but as Alexander shed his robe and reached for his shirt, Oliver's attention was piqued by a strange symbol on his chest. A scar, but an oddly round one, with a faded symbol in the center.

"That doesn't concern you," said Alexander sharply, noticing Oliver's gaze. 

"Sorry, sir," said Oliver, making a point to look away as his master finished dressing.

He took another long look at Oliver as he buttoned all but the top button of his shirt. "...It's no matter. Come with me."

Oliver followed Alexander to a door in the back corner of the room, tripping over a pair of shoes obscured by an old coat on the way. The door opened to an absurdly spacious and opulent bathroom, featuring a marble floor, a porcelain bathtub large enough to fit half a baseball team, and expensive plush bath towels littering the floor in heaps. The smell of floral soap was even stronger here, and the remnants of steam clung to Oliver's glasses, the room oppressively warm.

Alexander sat down in front of a counter with a sink and a mirror, and Oliver's eyes went wide at the odd effect of his master having no reflection. He could see himself perfectly, as though Alexander wasn't even there.

"This is what I need your help with, Oliver. Making my hair look presentable, because I'm not able to do so myself."

That certainly explained why he was so disheveled normally -- although, given the state of his very visible room, it wasn't necessarily the full explanation. "What would you like me to do, sir?"

He gestured to a glass containing combs, long scissors, and a few other odd tools. "Whatever you think is fit. It's not as though I'm going to be able to see it to criticize. I only wish to look neat and presentable."

Oliver had really never paid too much attention to his own appearance, but he had always tried to look neat for customers, so he hoped he would be able to do the job. "Very well, sir," he said, apprehensively picking up a comb and running it through his master's hair.

His hair was soft, surprisingly so, and the scent of floral soap grew even stronger, with undertones of woodsmoke and bookbinding glue and something unidentifiable, a scent which he was quickly learning to associate with his master. Alexander closed his eyes, a faint smile on his face, seemingly enjoying the treatment. 

He must be so lonely. Oliver felt it so keenly the prior night when his master had cornered him in the kitchen and drank deep of his blood. As his master's thoughts pooled into his own, he was overwhelmed with loneliness, solitude, the desire for a warm and caring touch. Oliver couldn't help but work his hands into his master's hair on the pretense of styling it, enjoying the small, contented noise that escaped from his lips.

His master was handsome, wasn't he? Was there any harm in acknowledging that? It wasn't as if he had feelings for the vampire who had purchased him. He was simply accepting a truth, one that he had known even when Alexander was simply a prized customer.

"What is this ballet about, sir?" said Oliver, mostly to distract himself from this train of thought.

"It's an avant garde ballet, very controversial. It was actually choreographed and costumed by a famous Russian vampire who has worked in theater from well before I was born. This production has been mounted by a human company, though. It's a dance I'd been wishing to see for some time." Alexander's gaze traveled to Oliver's reflection in the mirror. "I have you to thank for encouraging me to leave the house more often, otherwise I might have missed this opportunity, instead electing to spend the evening wallowing in the manor's dust."

Oliver's breath hitched at his master's subtle smile. "I'm glad of it, sir."

----

Even though his tuxedo fit perfectly -- thanks to the detailed measurements Miss Florence had taken at the auction house -- Oliver still felt uncomfortable among the crowd dressed to the nines at the theater. He was dazzled by the gilded carvings on the walls, leading to a ceiling decorated with an elaborate fresco, and nearly crashed into a woman in a ball gown as he took in the sights.

His master, on the other hand, glided through the crowd effortlessly, paying them no mind. As Oliver followed, he could feel a sense of flowing waves, Alexander's vampiric aura pushing away everyone but Oliver, who felt compelled to follow his footsteps. It was just as well that his master was guiding him, lest he find himself lost.

Soon enough, they had both settled in a luxurious balcony box for two, and Oliver was shocked to see an actual look of excitement on Alexander's sleepy face.

"I simply can't wait to see the costumes -- I've heard they're magnificent. And of course, Yelena Pavlova is said to be a master of the dance. They say her striking and dramatic movements place her a cut above the prima ballerinas who only know how to flit prettily about," said Alexander, with enthusiasm. "I do hope you enjoy it."

"I think I will, sir," said Oliver. At the very least, he was sure he could enjoy it vicariously through his master.

The lights dimmed, the dance began, and Oliver soon found his attention riveted to the stage. It truly was an avant-garde sort of ballet, and the costumes were mind-bending. There were dancers wearing disturbingly realistic animal heads, costumes adorned with colored glass that glittered like jewels, massive peacock feather headdresses, ropes of pearls entangling their bodies, and a few in iron chains and shackles. The intricate pattern of their dance was ritualistic, as though Oliver were watching something forbidden that he couldn't take his eyes from.

Among them all, the prima ballerina Alexander had mentioned performed a stunning routine, clad in an outfit that seemed mostly comprised of ribbons in every color of the rainbow. She was striking pose after pose, being lifted and passed among the dancers, twirling faster than Oliver knew was possible. She was endlessly fascinating to watch.

The dance was so fascinating, in fact, that Oliver had forgotten all about his master's reactions. He glanced over, expecting that Alexander was enjoying himself as much as he was, and was shocked to see a look of stress on his master's face.

"Master, what's wrong?" he whispered.

"Nothing. Just watch the dance," he said, in a voice almost too low to hear, and his eyes flicked across the balcony to a different box.

Oliver couldn't help but look, to see what had his master so concerned. The box across the way had only one occupant, an older gentleman in an impeccably styled black suit. His full focus was on the ballet, his gaze holding a kind of judgmental intensity that made Oliver think he must be a professional critic.

Was this man troubling Alexander? It didn't seem like it could be. Perhaps he was worried about something else, and this man just happened to be in his line of sight as he glanced about nervously.

Could he be...?

Oliver tried to put it out of his head, but now he couldn't help but notice every time Alexander's gaze wandered from the stage. The moment intermission was announced, his master turned to him.

"Do you need to stretch your legs? Use the restroom?" his master asked. Before Oliver could even answer, he continued, "Very well, let's leave the box for a moment." He grasped Oliver's arm and practically dragged him from the box. Oliver found himself gently shoved into a secluded nook, away from the other patrons milling about the theater.

"Oliver, listen very carefully," said Alexander, his voice soft but deathly serious. "My sire is attending this performance."

Even though Oliver had been suspecting this the moment he'd seen the strange man, he still felt a spike of panic stab his heart at the confirmation. "Your sire is here?"

"I should have known he'd have interest in this ballet. But he's been so reclusive lately..." Alexander sighed. "But listen. You must follow my instructions exactly. If you do, it's unlikely you'll be harmed."

"I... I understand, master." Oliver's mouth felt dry.

"You must be quiet and obedient. Follow my lead, do not speak unless spoken to, and then, speak with the utmost respect. But you must be honest, even if you think the truth is dangerous. Never lie. He will know. And finally..."

"Finally what, sir?"

"If he takes control of your body, do not resist it."

"Takes control of my body, sir?" Just as Katherine had warned him.

"Do not resist it even slightly. If he seizes control, relax your body and mind and do not fight it. Believe me -- any struggle will only make your lot worse."

He blinked back frightened tears. "I can try, master."

"Good." Alexander put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "While I don't pretend to understand my sire's mind, I do believe no harm will come to you tonight."

"I hope not, master."

"Would you allow me to put your mind at ease so you can enjoy the rest of the performance?"

Oliver couldn't agree fast enough. "Yes, please, sir."

His master leaned over and hummed in his ear, and Oliver could feel his nerves calming, his fears growing foggy and distant.

Prev > Masterlist > Next

Next week, Oliver finally gets to meet his master's sire.

@d-cs @latenightcupsofcoffee @thecyrulik @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @wanderinggoblin @whumpyourdamnpears @only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are @pressedpenn @pigeonwhumps @amusedmuralist @xx-adam-xx @ivycloak @irregular-book @whumpsoda @mj-or-say10 @pokemaniacgemini @sowhumpshaped @whumpsday @morning-star-whump @shinyotachi @silly-scroimblo-skrunkl @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @pirefyrelight @theauthorintraining @whump-me-all-night-long @anonfromcanada @typewrittenfangs @tessellated-sunl1ght @cleverinsidejoke @abirbable @ichorousambrosia @a-formless-entity @gobbo-king @writinggremlin @the-agency-archives @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @enigmawriteswhump @foresttheblep @bottlecapreader @whump-on-a-string @whumpinthepot @cinnamoncandycanes @avvail-whumps @tauntedoctopuses @secret-vampkissers-soiree @whatamidoingherehelpme @strawbearydreams

[pharawee]

🖇️BL WATCHLIST SEPTEMBER

🎬First Note of Love - GAGAOOLALA - I am here to make gifs of Jame Kasama my beloved.

🎬Jack & Joker - IQIYI - I hope this show stays as action-oriented as it currently is because I'm loving every second of it.

🎬I Saw You in My Dream - GAGAOOLALA - I love everything about this show. EVERYTHING. It reminds me of La Pluie (minus the ending).

🎬Monster Next Door - GAGAOOLALA - How does Kongthup know exactly what I want? Plus, this has one of the best depictions of introvert behaviour I've ever seen in Thai BL.

🎬Kidnap - GAGAOOLALA | NETFLIX | YOUTUBE - We're off to a good start, I'd say. I'm really impressed by the series' direction so far, and I'm trying to just enjoy myself without any other expectations. I've always loved Ohm and Leng and he together are 😍😍😍

🎬The Hidden Moon - WeTV - I renewed my WeTV subscription for this and I wasn't disappointed. It's intriguing with a promising plot and beautiful shots of Chiang Mai.

🎬Love Sick - IQIYI - This one is such a light and charming watch. Just very sweet and very well done in general. I think I'll definitely try and keep it on my watchlist.

🎬Bad Guy My Boss - GAGAOOLALA - I'm really, really not vibing with this show. I like office BL well enough, but this is waaay too trope-y for me. I think I'll give it one more week because Kad is cute enough to make up for everyone else in this show.

🖇️CALENDAR (THAI PRODUCTIONS ONLY)

🖇️UPCOMING

⭐Club Friday: Family Tragedy - YOUTUBE - This anthology series is messy and unhinged (it's based on true stories so...) and often has lots of QL elements. In this part, a man is having an affair with his new wife's son - which is probably about as messy as it gets. Amazing, I'm in.

🖇️ON HOLD

🎬Battle of the Writers - YOUTUBE - I want to like this (especially for Mark Sorntast) but I just don't have the time and if I manage to catch up with one ep it's kind of all over the place.

🎬Addicted Heroin - I've decided to switch from the cut version on youtube to the uncut version but that one doesn't have a fixed release because it's often missing subtitles. For now, I really like this show and the way it's filmed. It's respectful of the actors' ages and beautifully filmed.

🖇️COMPLETED

🎬4 Minutes - GAGAOOLALA - For some reason I just couldn't get into this. Maybe it's the lack of time. Maybe it's one of those shows you'd need to rewatch to fully appreciate but at least for now this seemed very style over substance to me.

➕ MDL | ABOUT | ALL WATCHLISTS | COMMENTARY & NEWS TAG | THAI BL NOVELS | BL INDUSTRY | UPCOMING | SPOOKY BL

[dragon-swords-prophecies]

WIP Re-Intro: Herald At Dawn

Title: Herald at Dawn

Genre: Murder Mystery, vaguely noir, vaguely historical fantasy

Status: draft 3 ! / 20k words as of late feb 2025

Setting: Unspecified American city in September/October of 1949

Universal TW/CW: Murder, corruption, legal systems being really really shit at their job, period-typical homophobia, cheating/affairs on spouses (past), bribery, death, implied past sexual assault, severe injury, discussion of war, religion (& complicated relationships to it).

Plot/Synopsis: In 1941 Alexandrina McLelland was a court reporter, covering the case where Evelyn Belmont was tried for the murder of her husband's mistress, Marisol Ekker. Ms. Belmont was acquitted, Marisol Ekker’s son went to live with distant relatives, and the case drifted out of the public eye. A world war later, and with Marisol’s son now 18, Alex is ready to expose the dirty laundry of the Belmonts--one of the most powerful families in the city-- , & the corruption that let Geoffrey Belmont bribe a judge and three members of the jury, & the systemic hatred that meant he didn’t need to bribe the other nine to ensure his wife’s freedom. Shortly after her article is published--in The Clockwork Herald, the paper her father wrote at for two decades--one of the highest ranking politicians in the city is murdered. There's seemingly no connection, until someone points out that he was a member of the jury during the Ekker Trial. 

Notes: Two major things are different from actual, historical september/october 1949: fae exist, and passenger pigeons didn’t go extinct in 1914. they are not extinct at all, and in fact exist in large numbers. They’re also sentinent, but that really has more to do with the fae than anything else.

Main Characters & Important Side Characters:

Alexandrina "Alex" Gates. 31, she/her, aroace. She's been The Clockworks Herald's investigative reporter for the last 8 years, and before that she was a court reporter for another paper. She writes under the name Alexandrina McLelland, the same last name her father used when he was the Herald’s investigative journalist 20 years ago. She wants to finish what her father started and expose the crimes of the city’s wealthy and powerful, but it's going slower than she would like. 

James Blakely. 32, he/him, gay, editor at the Herald. Alex's childhood friend, and Leo's partner. Is best described as a golden retriever with anxiety. He worries too much for his own good. James inherited editorship of the Herald from his uncle 5 years ago, but he had been working there in various capacities since he was a teenager. He cares about the truth, and about his friends. 

León "Leo" Rivera. 33, he/him, bisexual & bilingual. Writes the pages on politics at the Herald, James' partner. Leo wrote the original Herald articles on the Ekker trial 8 years ago; he used to be a court reporter. He does his best to not get hurt by his job, but sometimes he’s terrible at it (Chapter 10. Chapter 10 is when he’s really, really terrible at it.). He’s also cursed by the Fae, but he tries not to think about that. Leo’s favorite hobby is annoying politicians, and he’s extremely good at it. 

Ronald Wilkes. 58, he/him, ???. Sports reporter at The Clockwork Herald. Donovan was his best friend, and they worked together before he died. He blames himself for Donovan’s death, got a cigarette addiction about it, very sad all the time. I think far too much about him. He wants to stop Alex from dying the way her father did, but it isn’t really working. Alex & Amelia’s godfather. Desperately in need of therapy. Unfortunately, the 40s. 

Donovan Gates. Deceased, died 20 years ago (he was 37, he would be 58). He/him. Former investigative reporter at the Herald. Currently, his main job is making his best friend (Ronald) very, very sad. Alex & Amelia’s father, Ronald’s best friend, Mary’s husband. He was murdered in an alley when he was 37, because he was working on an article about cheating at the horse races, until the subject found out and objected strongly. He wrote under the pen name “D. McLelland”. 

Amelia Gates. 37, she/her, ???. Fae liaisons clerk. Her job is to deal with all the random Fae shit that goes on in the city, and she doesn’t get paid enough about it. Alex’s older sister, Donovan & Mary’s daughter. Close with Ronald. She wants Alex to not die the way their father did, doing dangerous shit just for tiny fragments of information. She also wants Alex and their mother to start speaking to each other again. 

Mary Gates. 58, she/her, ???, retired. She used to be a switchboard operator. Alex & Amelia’s mother, Donovan’s wife, and Ronald’s... it's complicated. She blames Ronald for Donovan’s death, and they haven’t spoken for 20 years, but they used to be good friends. She’s worried for Alex (who has the exact same job her father did), and feels bad for what she said to Ronald the last time they spoke. 

Nathaniel Ekker. 19, he/him, queer. Tailor, and the son of the woman whose murder was the focus of the Ekker trial. He agreed to do Alex's article on the condition it would be anonymous (and it was). He was 12 when his mother was killed by his father’s wife. His aunts (fae and cursed by the fae, respectively) raised him, and he hasn’t lived in the city since his mother died. He wants his mother’s murderer to be brought to justice, but he also wants to have a quiet and unnoticed life without having to deal with his father.

Taglist maintained below the cut, ask to be added or removed!

@thelaughingstag @gr3y-heron @another-white-void @amethyst-aster @akindofmagictoo @zinabug-writes

[foxes-that-run]

A TTPD theory

Take this as fiction, or view it as a thought experiment in how what we see can be taken in a number of ways. We are not privy to anything in Taylors life but her lyrics, social media posts and paparazzi photos, and for many years Taylor has been a continuous participant in pap photos as promotion, and keenly engaged and aware of how her fanbase reads things. I think most fans think what she wants them too, which isn't always her actual experience. She has told us this in songs like Dear Reader, Mirrorball and a lot of TTPD. Taylor has also acted out or given quotes to seed songs, in the lead up to or after their release before too.

In this post I talked about how the TTPD prologue has three muses and I'll highlight this line after the 'cosmic' muse I think is Harry:

So, here's my fan fiction/thought experiment. To me I think what started as wishing to be in a different relationship, became friendly flirting. Where I think it went wrong was in wanting different things at the time, as Taylor said in the prologue, 'some stars ever align', I still hope they do one day.

We start our story at the 2021 Grammy's (March 2021)

2021 timeline

Harry and Taylor were seen together for the first time in 6 years at the 2021 Grammy's, where both were seen looking at the other and they spoke. Their body language in the video of them talking is interesting. Taylor is leaning forward, gesturing a lot, she looks confident but also tense. Harry is the one to start it, but he looks away when she says something and it looks like he ends the conversation with pleasantries. She goes home and writes High Infidelity about resenting a partner and having an affair, outing April 29 in the process. He writes As it Was and Love of My Life about accepting something special is gone forever.

TTPD guesses for this time:

I look through people's windows - I think this song refers to the 2021 Grammy's, it refers to the muse catching their breath, tilting their head. They are someone close now distant. Sliding doors and what if's. It sounds like that conversation.

Guilty as Sin? - This song is seems early in Taylors thinking about leaving Joe, she is feeling guilty about wishing she was with someone else. High Infidelity we know was written then is oddly similar, but GAS is a current thought process with Haylor links.

Peter - I think it fits for vibes of 'life was easier on you'

May - August - Brit Awards (May 2021)

They saw each other again at the Brits in May when I think Glitch was written, Joe was in Belfast filming then.

On July 24 2021, for the anniversary of Folklore Taylor posted a photo of herself with two (double album) coffee cups (Karma MV) and text which could fit into an Eras tour Betty Speech, highlighting 'victorian ghost' and The Lakes (poets)

On 18 June 2021 Taylor announces Red TV and says “tortured by memories past”

TTPD guesses for this time:

Tortured Poets Department (because she refers to it in September and in the Red TV Announcement.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys - the Red TV announcement refers to Wild that is on TTPD 11 times and Red 4 times, most in that song. Taylor also used the sandcastles in 1989 Spotify Visuals

August - October 2021

This is where I wonder if a friendship was becoming flirtatious. Or with the rerecording of Red and being unhappy with Joe if perhaps Taylor was thinking more about a road not taken. Taylor had a version of the title track written and decided it was a title track and an emerging aesthetic to easter egg by September 2021. Harry was very overt too, on their anniversary he performed in white satin in Nashville wearing the Peace Ring. I think it was a flirtation then.

recorded Red (Taylors Version) in Belfast visiting Joe so was in the Haylor feels

posted this TikTok of a Glitch while recording Red TV and a request for Wildest Dreams TV

went on Fallon to promote ATW where she easter egged Typewriters, and said would try to drop easter eggs 3 years advance.

At the Tribeca Film Festival she again mentioned Typewriters, an album with an acronym, tortured poets and manuscript. She would try to drop easter eggs 3 years in advance.

Released the ATW short film with typewriters super clear and and included them in the merch too.

Harry has the first heart kiss since 2018 in St Paul! Then wears all white satin and wears and plays with his Peace Ring (for the first time in years) to perform in Nashville while Taylor in town, a few days after their anniversary, and adds To Be So Lonely to the setlist. Then he records Satellite.

TTPD guesses for this time:

Manuscript because of Red TV records (and referred to at Tribeca)

November and December 2021

This is when the majority of Midnights was written. Taylor was also not seen much after the ATW release, Joe was in Panama. You're Losing Me was recorded, if TTPD songs are from here that's hard to tell. Harry was MIA for 2 weeks before Taylors birthday and in this period Taylor wore a Gucci Lion Ring to Zoe's birthday, interesting with the amount of ring talk on TTPD. Question…? Written.

2022

2022 timeline

Matty Healy first worked with Jack sometime after 5 January.

21 January - Charlie Puth includes painting a red fence in his MV he later refers to when promoting TTPD. - So the left typewriter/Charlie Puth of it all is way too early for MH.

April 2022, Harry said “to BFs everywhere F U” which I think was directed at Joe. So he knew whatever Joe did. Drake also shouted out supportively Taylor on 19 April. Joe's costar's name in the final cut of CWF (Ep 3, 11:55).

Harry's House released on Harry and Taylors 20 May anniversary. As it was MV beforehand.

I still think it was Joever (or they were on a break) May 2022

In November I posted that I thought Midnight was the break up album. Suggesting that I think Joe and Taylor broke up by May 2022. I had thought that Joe may have agreed to a number of appearances to provide them both time to process and ready themselves for Taylors fans finding out.

I still think this, though perhaps it also could have been a break. The speed with which Taylor moved on could have that the break up was raw for us, not her.

I primarily thought this because Joe was at a random Hollywood party rather than her NYU Graduation, and she stopped liking his IG posts then, which she had done reliably.

This is to say, I think Taylor held back in Midnights and at least some of it was written before the 2 years she said at the Grammy's.

August - October 2022

By August friendly flirtation had been going on for a year, Harry dressed for eras as the rerecords were announced. They were in communication so much he knew when she was announcing things before she did. On the night of the VMAs he was dressed in blue stars to match her Midnights after party dress while Joe dragged her out to a car. I wonder if Fortnight was set after they were both at TIFF then New York for 2 weeks during Harry's residency, Harry seemed to be really struggling after that. My guess is that with the impending bad press of the Nanny/OWs relationship - any part in it being Joever would have been out of the question.

August 2022 - Harry and OW are in a Rolling Stone interview, they interviewed them in April and it came much later, but I think this is referred to in loml and something Taylor would have especially not liked given her desire for a power couple

The OW/Shia drama came to light and that relationship looked done by 5 September at the DWD premiere.

7 September - 30 October Harry wore the Peace Ring again at HSLOT shows. They were both at the Tiff Film Festival, (where Taylor mentioned typewriters again).

They were then both in New York during his residency ending 21 September, where he also played Ever Since New York for the first time in 4 years. This is my guess for when Fortnight is set.

There were blinds Joe was texting other people.

The TTPD Spotify room included a safe (vault) from Toronto 👀

In October 6 - 10 Harry postponed 2 shows due to Illness, with Sony saying Harry was not unwell. Now, other Sony artists postponed shows and this Reddit thread suggests it is over the Nanny scandal (but I don't think Harry would be so cut up about that story to cancel shows and call his mum) so there could be lots of reasons for this. But it is a real anomaly.... and Anne and Gemma flew from England to support him when he performed again.

12 October - Charlie Puth easter eggs TTPD on Fallon.

Midnights was released and Joe carried a coffee table book to avoid touching Taylor in the pap walk

Eras Tour training started September 2022 - in the Time interview Taylor said she stopped drinking and ran on the treadmill for 6 months before tour began. The Typewriters were also in the Eras set for The Man.

"This time, she began training six months ahead of the first show. “Every day I would run on the treadmill, singing the entire set list out loud,”" and "“Learning choreography is not my strong suit.” With the exception of Grammy night—which was “hilarious,” she says—she also stopped drinking. “Doing that show with a hangover,” she says ominously. “I don’t want to know that world.”

TTPD guesses for this time:

Fortnight - I think the references to a cheating husband (current tense) and wife, (the Clean lyric similarity of watering flowers) places this here. I think the August 2022 Rolling Stone with OW is part inspiration for that line. Also functioning alcoholic/time magazine quote, here or soon after.

loml - this song would have come after Harry's House. I think the Valiant Roar is a reference to the August 2022 Rolling Stone Interview with OW and Harry, I also wonder about June 2022.

Down Bad - This fits narratively if the Fortnight was September and it ended in October that puts Taylor 'down bad crying at the gym' while preparing for the Eras tour. The staring at the sky / CBBH reference also make sense to be after Taylor heard Satellite and re-recorded Red TV.

BDILH - Based on my theory on it ending due to scandals I think this fits here, at least in a starting form.

November - December 2022

This period is unknown to me, OW and Harry BUA, Harry bought a Ferrari he never drove. He was last seen driving in December 2022. Joe said Tortured Man's Club in an interview. Taylor and Joe go to New Orleans, seemingly argue and she visits a recording studio. So if not completely over this looks like a final blow.

TTPD guesses for this time:

Fresh Out of the Slammer, Florida!!!, Who's Afraid of Little Old Me, were recorded at the Esplanade Studios in NOLA

January - March 2023

Taylor performed at The 1975 concert, Harry rumoured there. Matty Healy accused Harry of Queer Baiting and Blinds that he hated Harry. Harry started being driven places.

Taylor went over to Harry at the Grammy's and was enthusiastic supporting him. I feel like things between Harry and Taylor were friendly, but I think that was it, she was initiating. He recorded the Satellite music video but then kept it in his pocket until May, maybe something started earlier, when things were different and finished then later. Joe was seen at the Grammy's with Jack and posted a photo of meredith. Harry tours Australia, slides into Influencer Yan Yan's DM's. He adds Woman to the setlist and kisses his heart. ER kiss. At the end of the month MHs ex says they were going fine.

TTPD guesses for this time:

imgonnagetyouback - because of him fixing his hair at the Grammy's

April & May 2023

Joever announced. I have a long post on the Maylor thing. My perspective is that Harry wasn't up for more than friends at that time, Matty is known for deep resentment of Harry. Matty & Taylor were both on tour, they weren't in the same city apart from the handful of times they were seen, and they were overseas from each other when it started and ended... and Matty implied it was not sincere. Taylors team also said it was not serious. Fans see it differently and that's OK. But to me it was trolling of the highest order from them both.

On 9 April Harry played golf at Augusta Georgia and disappeared for 2 weeks. In April 12 Taylor wore the Gucci Lion ring, she went to Florida, MH in Australia, HS MIA last seen in Georgia. Most of the MH public stuff was after that. Harry also added Stockholm Syndrome and Grapejuice to his setlist and seen outside Cartier before Taylor starts wearing the Necklace after their old anniversary. It's a mess. The MH thing ended.

TTPD guesses for this time:

Songs recorded, but like Fresh out the slammer they are likely started earlier. I think the daily pap works with nicely matching photos is to have everything happen in this 'neater' timeline.

Alchemy - Taylor said this title in the Cruel Summer speech in March, Taylor may have added to it later.

June

June is when I think things went really bad. I think this is where Taylor 'tore it all down with one conversation', which based on the Time magazine may have been wanting something public. Angry I don't wanna live forever Surprise Song and wild Betty Speeches:

"James, and he really, really, really messes things up bad with the love of his life, and he has to try to get her back, and apologize very sincerely, and profusely, and say he’s going to change and be better, and that’s all he has to do."

Taylor crying in a car in pap photos. Deux Moi reports Taylor attended HSLOT at Wembley. TR attends one Wembley show, we don't know which. Harry played Sweet Creature, maybe for Gemma's baby. The same night Taylor played Seven and said:

"I’ve always just had something happen to me, or feel a feeling, for even like seven seconds, if I feel a feeling, it’ll be like, ‘Oh! I have to write a song about this seven seconds of me feeling this way.’ It’s like, it’s genuinely been like, it’s not really a job, it’s like a full coping mechanism" ... (TTPD hint) ... "radical, the idea of a man apologizing in a beautiful, heartfelt, sincere way.’ I’m not talking about any of you. If you’re here, you’re exempt. You’re a really emotionally intelligent group. I’m sort of talking about other people right now.

TTPD guesses for this time:

Black dog, down bad, FOTS recorded, but not necessarily written.

loml - I think it fits here because Harry put Stockholm Syndrome with "I'll never leave" on the setlist in the place of Love of My Life.

Prophecy

BDILH

The rest is in the 2023 timeline

[mariacallous]

The Catholic Church in Hungary has been engulfed by a series of high-profile sex scandals and child abuse investigations. The situation isn’t just a crisis for the church, but also a challenge for Viktor Orban’s Christian-nationalist government.

“Perhaps we should not refer to these merely as ‘scandalous cases’, but rather as the painful, inhumane, traumatizing injuries suffered by minors, which go far beyond ‘scandalous news’,” read a statement on December 4 by the editors of the independent Hungarian religious affairs magazine Szemlelek, reflecting on a crisis that has recently engulfed Hungary’s Catholic Church.

Since September, a series of scandals relating to sexual misconduct, pedophilia and cover-up in the Catholic church has wrecked the public reputation of five high-profile clerics and occasioned the suspension of a rising, but as-yet unconfirmed, number of their colleagues. Some see echoes of the crisis in the US Catholic church sparked by the 2002 Boston Globe ‘Spotlight’ investigation into child abuse in the city’s archdiocese – a story (and later movie) that plunged American Catholicism into a crisis from which it’s still recovering.

The close government ties of the priests implicated heighten concerns about overlaps between political power, religious networks and child sexual abuse in Hungary. These concerns were first raised earlier this year in February, following the exposure of a successful intercession by Reformed Church bishop (and former Fidesz cabinet minister) Zoltan Balog with then-president Katalin Novak, a fellow Calvinist, to pardon a church member convicted as a pedophile accomplice. News of the pardon led to Novak’s resignation.

Attention is now turning away from the Reformed community and towards the Catholic Church.

From local to national

In early September, the storm started rumbling with the public disgrace of Father Gergo Bese, a priest of the Kalocsa-Kecskemet archdiocese and a prominent social media influencer identified with the governing Fidesz party via its satellite KDNP (Christian Democratic Peoples’ Party). In 2022, Bese conducted a ‘house blessing’ of Prime Minister Viktor Orban’s office in the former Carmelite monastery beside Buda Castle.

On September 6, Hungarian outlet Valasz Online revealed that Father Bese, a vocal supporter of Fidesz’s anti-LGBTQ+ agenda, had been living a double life as a gay porn movie actor. He was also (against church law) receiving a stipend from the KDNP for communications work without permission from his bishop. He is now under disciplinary suspension.

While Father Bese’s activities involved only consenting adults, their discovery, however, prompted revelations about other forms of misconduct by Kalocsa priests, including those involving minors. Two clerics – Gabor Ronaszeki and Robert Hathazi – both with strong ties to Hungary’s ruling parties, are now being prosecuted by secular authorities for alleged child molestation.

In 2023, Ronaszeki underwent a church disciplinary process during which he admitted the offences, and was removed from the priesthood. He’s understood to have offered money and gifts in exchange for sex to underage boys attending his Religious Education group over a three-year period.

Ronaszeki is the brother-in-law of former Fidesz MP and ministerial commissioner Monika Ronaszekine Keresztes, as well as being an associate of the KDNP leader Zsolt Semjen, who is currently serving as the deputy prime minister and minister for church affairs in the Orban government.

Hungarian media reported that Semjen had been a personal guest at Ronaszeki’s remote “recreational farm” near the small town of Janoshalma in Southern Hungary. Responding to the reports, Semjen claimed that “to the best of my recollection” he has not “visited the place in question”.

Handing matters over swiftly to police and prosecutors reflects improvements in practice following recent reforms across the Catholic world. Even so, the scandal has continued to grow numerically and geographically.

In a November 15 interview with Valasz Online, the archbishop of Kalocsa-Kecskemet, Balazs Babel, said public awareness of the two court cases had led to more complainants bringing allegations against other clerics.

“In recent months, the Archbishop’s Office has received many more reports than before,” he admitted, adding that several other Kalocsa priests have now been suspended pending investigation.

Major Pajor problem

The issue has morphed from a diocesan scandal into a national crisis. That’s partly because the outcry about Kalocsa was heard from early on in the national media, and partly because first central church institutions and then other dioceses became implicated in related misconduct stories.

First came the resignation on October 25 of the national Bishops’ Conference Secretary Father Tamas Toth, amid allegations of serious impropriety in mishandling communications relating to Kalocsa.

And then on December 5 the scandal reached the archdiocese of Esztergom-Budapest, led by Hungary’s primate, Cardinal Peter Erdo.

On that day, news broke of canonical and police investigations into Budapest priest Father Andras Pajor, a prominent face of Fidesz’s ‘political Christianity’. In 2023, Father Pajor received Hungary’s Knight’s Cross of the Order of Merit from Deputy Prime Minister Semjen for his “role in youth education”.

Father Pajor has repeatedly urged Christians to vote for Orban. He has also, latterly, become notable as a spreader of Russian propaganda, claiming in a YouTube video about the Ukraine war that, since 2022, some 35,000 Russian children had been kidnapped “for pedophiles in the West”.

Former altar boys from his parish, speaking anonymously to Valasz Online, tell a rather different story, however. They claim Father Pajor himself frequently made them strip naked, inspected their genitals intimately with his hands, and gave them full body massages.

Anticipating the next day’s announcement concerning Father Pajor, on December 4 the Bishops’ Conference finally acknowledged the pedophilia issue as a national problem in a statement: “The scandalous news concerning our Church in recent months has caused many to feel uneasy and disappointed… for sins committed, we must pray, fast and make atonement.”

The text continued: “The Catholic Church stands with the victims and communities affected. We pray for them and support their healing.”

Political reverberations

In a letter to fellow bishops obtained by the independent news outlet Telex, Archbishop Babel observed that the impact of the successive scandals was greater “because they are interwoven with politics”.

The political dimension magnifies the spotlight on the church, but the connection of religion and pedophilia is a huge challenge for Fidesz – a party that portrays itself at home and abroad as a protector of family values.

The party’s domestic alliance with historic churches long predates its international communication about Hungary as a bulwark of Christian civilisation against Muslim migration and rising woke-secularism.

Churches have vigorously supported government messaging regarding the supposed dangers that, Fidesz alleges, the LGBTQ+ community poses to children, especially ahead of 2022’s ‘child protection’ referendum, which was timed to boost turnout at that year’s general election. Around 75 per cent of Hungary’s state-funded children’s homes are run by churches.

“Orban’s government constantly seeks endorsement from the churches for its Christian credentials,” religious affairs commentator Janos Reichert tells BIRN. This is because, Reichert continues, there are three overlapping themes closely connected in the minds of many Hungarians: “Hungarian nationalism, anti-Communism and Christianity”.

These three motifs organically support each other such that, Reichert says, “criticism of any one of them cannot be tolerated by Fidesz for fear of danger to the other two”.

Thus, anyone who criticises even one of them is “attacking the ideological basis of the regime”, he adds.

Reichert’s take is shared by political journalist Balazs Gulyas. The government’s flagging support amid economic turbulence and the rise of opposition challenger Peter Magyar means that, in his view, Fidesz is paradoxically more, not less likely to double down reflexively on its traditional talking points, including political Christianity.

“Hungary’s governing parties are grappling with a sharp decline in popularity, making it politically expedient for them to cling to their (overstated) role as the primary political patrons of the churches,” Gulyas tells BIRN. “I find it highly unlikely that they’d abandon the program of political Christianity.”

Such views seem to be borne out by the government’s responses to the crisis to date. Far from distancing itself from the churches, Fidesz has rushed to their defence.

In November, the left-wing opposition party DK proposed a parliamentary motion calling for Hungary to follow the example of Ireland and Australia in establishing an independent enquiry into child sexual abuse in the church. The government used its parliamentary super-majority to defeat the proposal.

And addressing parliament’s justice committee on November 14, Deputy Prime Minister Semjen, speaking in his capacity as minister for church affairs, dismissed suggestions that the situation in the churches represented a particular concern. “The number of church cases is a hundredth of the number of secular cases, there is no reason to single out the church world,” he declared.

[milfstalin]

There is much concern that Elon Musk’s Starlink intends to provide satellite internet coverage to the United States following the failure of its Red Sea “Operation Prosperity Guardian” alliance to curb Yemen’s pro-Palestinian front.

This conversation has gained traction since the company’s announcement on 18 September that it would launch services in Yemen after months of informal contracts with the Saudi-backed government in Aden. The timing of this announcement raised eyebrows, especially as it coincided with Israel’s terrorist attacks in Lebanon, involving exploding pagers and walkie-talkies.

[...]

The announcement that Yemen would be the first country in West Asia to have full access to its services surprised many – particularly because the US embassy in Yemen was quick to praise the move as an “achievement” that could unlock new opportunities.

[...]

The rival Sanaa government, under which most of Yemen’s population lives, was quick to warn that the Starlink project may threaten Yemen and its national security. Mohammed al-Bukhaiti, a member of Ansarallah’s political bureau, criticized the US embassy’s stance, which he says:

"Confirms the relationship between the launch of Starlink and the war launched by America on Yemen, which threatens to expand the conflict to the orbits of outer space for the first time in history."

[...]

In March, the Financial Times reported that the US and UK faced intelligence shortfalls in their Red Sea campaign, particularly around the capabilities of the Ansarallah-aligned forces’ arsenal. This intelligence gap underlined the west’s need for a reliable spy network, and Starlink’s role in this context raises serious questions.

A Reuters report revealed that SpaceX had signed secret contracts with the US Department of Defense aimed at developing a spy satellite system capable of detecting global threats in real-time.

[...]

Another concerning aspect is the involvement of Israel. Israel’s spy satellites, OFEK-13 and OFEK-14, are reportedly linked to Starlink’s satellite network. SpaceX, as a third party, may provide critical guidance and intelligence to these satellites, further enhancing Tel Aviv’s surveillance capabilities in the region. This connection between Starlink and Israeli intelligence efforts has heightened fears in Yemen that the satellite network will be used to undermine the country’s security and sovereignty.

Currently, Starlink services are available primarily in Yemeni areas controlled by the Saudi and UAE-led coalition, although roaming packages allow temporary access in other regions. This has prompted concerns about data security, privacy, and the spread of misinformation, as unrestricted satellite internet bypasses local government control.

[...]

Moreover, cybersecurity risks are particularly troubling, as the network might be exploited for dangerous purposes, including facilitating terrorist activities like bombings. The presence of a global satellite internet service that bypasses local regulations raises concerns about its potential to disrupt local internet infrastructure.

Starlink could also introduce unfair competition to local provider Yemen Net, further marginalizing the national telecom provider and hindering local development efforts.

[...]

Dr Youssef al-Hadri, a right-wing political affairs researcher, shared his views with The Cradle on the recent events in Lebanon and the ongoing electronic warfare involving the US and its allies. According to Hadri, intelligence agencies operating in areas under the control of the Sanaa government face challenges in detecting the locations of missiles, drones, and military manufacturing sites.

This shortfall became even more apparent after a major intelligence operation exposed a long-running spy cell in Yemen, with activities spanning across multiple sectors.

From the risk of espionage to the undermining of local telecom providers, the implications of Starlink’s operations extend far beyond providing internet access – they could become a vehicle for foreign influence and control.

[...]

3 Oct 2024

[girlactionfigure]

Post-Shabbat update:

👉 One of the most senior terrorist commanders in Jenin was eliminated in an overnight Israeli air strike on the northern Samaria city. The IDF rarely uses Air Force strikes against targets in the so-called "West Bank."

👉 At least 21 Hamas and allied terrorists were eliminated since this morning in expanded IDF operations in northern and southern Gaza.

👉 Iron Dome intercepted 5 Gaza rockets fired at the coastal city of Ashkelon.

---

One-by-one: The IDF targeted another senior Hezbollah official on the Lebanon-Syria border. His fate is still unknown.

Under siege: Hezbollah launched a number of attack on the Israeli border region, though the intensity was less than in previous days.

No horizon:American mediators informed Lebanon that they would not return in the short-term as there was little point in negotiating with Hezbollah at this time.

---

Trouble in paradise: War Cabinet minister Benny Gantz will give an urgent press conference this evening. He's expected to set firm red lines to his continued participation in Netanyahu's government.

End the war? Opposition leader Yair Lapid is urging Gantz to quit Bibi's government immediately. And that would mean the government falls, and the war ends in line with the current American policy of seeking a long-term truce and hostage-prisoner exchange.

Huge victory: On Arab social media, there's rampant talk of the imminent fall of Netanyahu's gov't and an end to the war, resulting in a "huge victory" for the Palestinians.

‼️ Were the war to end today under present circumstances, that would indeed be perceived, and perhaps even constitute a victory for Palestinian terrorism.

💥 And that would in turn make all but inevitable the next terrorist invasion of Israel.

War Cabinet minister Benny Gantz has given Netanyahu three weeks (until June 😍 to present a workable plan and that will meet the following goals:

1️⃣ Return all the hostages.

2️⃣ Topple Hamas and ensure Israeli security control in Gaza.

3️⃣ Along with maintaining Israeli security control, establish an American-European-Arab-Palestinian administration that will manage civilian affairs in Gaza and lay the foundation for a future government that is not Hamas or Abbas.

4️⃣ Return the residents of the north to their homes by September 1 and rehabilitate the Western Negev.

5️⃣ Promote normalization with Saudi Arabia as part of a comprehensive move that will create an alliance with the free world and the Arab world against Iran.

6️⃣ Advance legislation that would compel all Israelis to serve the state and contribute to the national effort - ie. military conscription for ultra-Orthodox Jews.

Netanyahu responds harshly to Gantz for causing a political rift in the middle of a war, and asks three pointed questions:

1️⃣ Is he ready to complete the operation in Rafah to destroy the remaining Hamas battalions, and if so, how is it possible that he is threatening to dismantle the emergency unity government in the middle of the operation?

2️⃣ Is he opposed to Palestinian Authority rule in Gaza, even without Mahmoud Abbas?

3️⃣ Is he ready to accept a Palestinian state in Judea, Samaria and Gaza as part of the normalization process with Saudi Arabia?

---

Netanyahu goes on to stress that his own position on all three critical issues is already clear:

👉 He is determined at all costs to destroy Hamas; 

👉 He opposes the entry of the Palestinian Authority into Gaza; and

👉 He rejects the establishment of a Palestinian state that will inevitably become a terrorist haven (even for the sake of normalization with Saudi Arabia).

[jennyboom21]

💭💭💭

Why is this going the way of a failed SpaceX launch?!? WHO ARE THEIR PEOPLE?!? WHY DON’T THEY HAVE A CELESBIAN CONCIERGE WORKING WITH THEIR PR REP?!

Also, those of us with eyeballs and experience know this timeline is fucked.

The Sherlock Homos are assembling this overlappy timeline as we speak. All I’m getting from this is that at best, they were having an emotional affair, at worst, they went to Cannes to cheat in private.

Bush, 41, and Harris, 37, went public with their blossoming love affair this week and both are currently in the process of divorcing their spouses. They said they have only been together for two weeks.

The One Tree Hill actress filed for divorce from ex Grant Hughes in early August citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ while Harris initiated a formal split from wife Ali Krieger, 38, last month.

A source with knowledge of the situation has told DailyMail.com that Krieger was blindsided by the split, with Harris telling her their marriage was over with no discussion after her return from Cannes.

The source said: ‘Apparently Ashlyn came back right after Cannes, ended their marriage and said there was nothing to even speak about regarding it. Just over.’

Video posted to Instagram by bourbon brand Johnnie Walker showing the feminist panel event on June 19 includes a section where the new couple smile and giggle together, with Bush reaching over to touch Harris as they discussed 'the impact that deep, creative partnerships can make to challenge societal systems and narratives.'

A beaming Bush is also seen telling Harris ‘love you’ during the public panel discussion.

The pair have claimed they have only been dating for two weeks, with a source telling People that there is ‘no salacious story’ behind their new relationship or impending divorces.

The insider added: 'After being friends for years, and running in the same social circles, Sophia and Ashlyn went out on their first dinner date a couple of weeks ago.

'Although it's new information to the public, Ashlyn and Ali's divorce began months ago and they have been living apart since the summer.

'This is so recent, and they are both beginning new chapters.'

The new couple have been spotted together repeatedly in recent weeks and were pictured together at Seattle's Lumen Field on October 6 where they watched OL Reign's final home game of the season.

OL Reign's star player is Harris' USWNT teammate Meghan Rapinoe, 38, who has played for the soccer franchise since 2013.

In the clip, which surfaced on Tuesday, Bush is seen hanging out with Harris and a group of friends.

The video shows Bush and Harris walking side-by-side onto Lumen Field after the match before enjoying a celebratory chat with Rapinoe.

In polaroid photos shared by Kari Fleischauer, an executive at LA's Angel City Football Club, the lovebirds are seen posing with their heads pressed close together for a group shot.

Weeks before their trip to Seattle, Bush and Harris enjoyed a 'cozy' double date in New York City with What Not To Wear star Stacy London and her girlfriend Cat Yezbak, according to Page Six.

An insider claimed that Bush and Harris have already been dubbed 'Bushlyn' by their friend group and that the soccer star 'snuck' into the Beacon Theater, where they watched comedian Chelsea Handler perform on Friday, September 29.

'Ashlyn snuck into the theater wearing a mask to join Stacy, Cat and Sophia,' the source told the outlet.

'It wasn't clear they were on a double date until Stacy moved over so Ashlyn could sit next to Sophia.'

It was not until 'the lights dimmed for the opening act' that Ashlyn decided to '[remove] her mask.'

Bush's surprise rebound romance with Harris comes just two months after she filed for divorce from her husband of one year Hughes.

On Tuesday, a rep for the 41-year-old told Page Six that he wants Bush to be happy. The rep said: 'Grant will always want the best for Sophia and is supportive of all that makes her happy and fulfilled.'

The divorce is the second for Bush who divorced her One Tree Hill co-star Chad Michael Murray in 2006 after a union that lasted just five months.

Bush attempted to get the marriage annulled on her grounds of fraud, but her efforts were unsuccessful, and the divorce was ultimately finalized in 2006.

She then went on to date Jon Foster, her co-star on Stay Alive for a year. She also dated another One Tree Hill co-star Austin Nichols on and off for eight years.

Harris, meanwhile, had been with now-estranged wife Krieger for 13 years, with the pair meeting at a 2010 USWNT training camp.

The couple tied the knot in 2019 with Rapinoe serving as Harris's maid of honor. The pair went on to adopt two children: daughter Sloane Phillips Krieger-Harris, two; and son Ocean Maeve Krieger-Harris, 15 months, in 2021 and 2022.

Harris filed for divorce from Krieger on September 19, saying their union was 'irretrievably broken.'

Krieger has yet to make a public statement about her ex-wife's new romance with Bush, but she did take to Instagram after the news broke to share a quote.

'Sleep well tonight, sis. Major shifts are happening. Things are changing. Doors are opening,' it read.

[lboogie1906]

Allison Payne (February 12, 1964 – September 1, 2021) was a nine-time Emmy Award winner, a 21-year anchorwoman with WGN-TV, a veteran international journalist, a popular public speaker, and an actively involved community builder. She was a longtime anchor and reporter at CW affiliate and cable superstation WGN-TV in Chicago. She served as co-anchor of the WGN Midday News.

She was born in Richmond, Virginia, and raised in Detroit to Dana and Kathryn Payne. She was a graduate of Renaissance High School and held a BA in Liberal Arts from the University of Detroit Mercy. She graduated from Bowling Green State University with her MA in Radio/TV/film. She was a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority.

She began in television news as an intern at ABC affiliate WNWO in Toledo, she was promoted to main anchor of the station’s late evening newscast. She moved to NBC affiliate WNEM-TV in Saginaw, Michigan. She moved to Chicago to anchor the station’s primetime newscast. She traveled to Kenya to trace Barack Obama’s roots, and to the Middle East to cover the Reverend Jesse Jackson’s peace negotiations between Israel and Lebanon.

During her tenure with WGN, she has won numerous awards including nine Emmys for reporting, including:

Outstanding Achievement within a Regularly Scheduled News Program – Specialty Report/Series — Politics/Government: Jackson & Jackson: Allison Payne, Reporter; Pam Grimes, Producer. WGN Outstanding Achievement for Individual Excellence On Camera: Programming – Program — Host/Moderator/Contributor: Allison Payne – People to People. WGN Outstanding Achievement within a Regularly Scheduled News Program – Specialty Report: — Religion: Blue Eyes, Black Soul: Allison Payne, Reporter; Pam Grimes, Michael D’Angelo, Producers. WGN Outstanding Achievement for Informational Programs – Public Affairs/Current Affairs: People to People: Gloria Brown, Producer; Allison Payne, Steve Sanders, Hosts. WGN Outstanding Achievement for Individual Excellence On Camera: News – Reporter: Allison Payne – Composite. WGN #africanhistory365 #africanexcellence #deltasigmatheta