#sending u tons of love n health!!! have a great day!

[inkykeiji]

Clari!! How are you?! Happy new year!

you seem to be really passionate about organization and I remember you talking about how much effort you put into school so I was wondering if you have any advice for note taking + stuff any advice is welcome 💗💗🫡 (my degree is similar to what you did in the sense that I also have to write and read a lot but not analyzing movies instead it’s policy 😅😅😅😅)

Also bc I have to finish a book for my midterm next week and I just really struggle making notes that are to the point bc I always want to add as much detail as possible when that’s just not? Helpful when reviewing yknow?

hi anon!! <3 i’m okay, a lil sleepy hehehe, i hope you’re doing well!! happy new year to you too bb! (ﾉ>▽<)ﾉ*✲ﾟ*｡⋆♡

ah yes! my academic work was and still is (and always will be) extremely important to me. oh sweetpea i wish i had some advice to offer but unfortunately i’m exactly the same way you are! :( my notes are way too detailed and i always include a surplus of information because my mind is constantly like ‘well this could be important, too, so i should memorize this as well!’. it’s this anxiety thing; i’m terrified i’m going to miss an important piece of information so i just end up writing ALL of it down.

what i used to do while taking notes and making notes for exams + papers is: i’d write down every single thing i thought to potentially be important, just to quell that anxiety that i might potentially miss something crucial. once that was done, i’d go through the notes i had made with a different coloured pen (or several different coloured pens) and underline and mark up the bits that i deemed to be especially important; essential, basically.

this method isn’t very time efficient, but it’s the only thing that worked for me personally. i’m sorry i can’t offer better advice :(( just know that i completely understand where you’re coming from and i’m in the same boat! i’m willing to bet that google has some fantastic tips on studying efficiently and maybe even some tips on how to discern which information is important vs which is not, so maybe you can give that a try and see if you find any tips and advice that might work for you! everyone is different, and we all process information in different ways as well as have unique processes when it comes to writing papers and studying, so please don’t get discouraged if you attempt a method and it doesn’t work well for you! keep trying and i promise you’ll find your groove <3

[frogtanii]

It’s wind anon!! :D!!!

I had a very very laugh filled day today. I don’t know why. I was tired sure, but I was happy and laughed a lot so I hope that you’ll have a really good day too! Anyway, into my reactions!

YN and her motivational speeches wwww

I do those a lot too. Or at the very least, send very very sappy messages about how much I adore people. I’m a very very biased person who likes Omi a ton so I was very well fed with the update. We love the Omi that cares for other people—and as one of the oldest he is very reliable and considerate. I’d like to hold his hand haha~

I hope Suga is able to have a nice night under some very soft blankets, falling into a dreamless sleep with the ocean waves lulling him into tranquil slumber. He deserves to rest peacefully inside while the sky glimmers overhead. Once he wakes up, he can join YN and the others around town if he feels up to it. I haven’t experienced such an event myself, but I would personally want to be alone for a while. I hope that Suga chooses the option that is best for him and his health, and we will support him any way we can. No one deserves it.

More lighter matters...Avengers :0! I myself don’t watch a lot of movies, but I have seen a couple of them. I watched Dr.Strange’s twice now. I like it...magic and stuff. Action movies are great...not a fan of horror/thriller myself (not good for my heart aaaa) so it’s a reliable choice.

Omi’s snark! His little smiley! Waaaa he’s so cute. Making my heart go doki-doki. I’m very very glad he’s doing good!

And I eagerly await their exploration of the town! I expect them to eat ice cream or sorbet at a shop or something. You need something chilled whenever you go to the beach. I bet Atsumu is the type to share his ice cream with us wwww

Anyway... they cuddle. They snooze. All of them are so cute! I feel like Bokuto’s hugs would be very warm. Very cozy. Good for winter. Sakusa’s would be pleasant. Sorta cool, he wraps his arms loosely around us. Atsumu is like...middle ground. I feel like Kenma would be a bit more laying on top of each other like cats. Like a mess of loose limbs. Tangented here into the categorization of their hugs whoops~

Wind anon literally got the exhaustion hitting her rn...okay, I’ll try and finish up the reaction quickly. Meiko >:0

Meiko...you don’t have the right to own people. Those aren’t your boys. Like, Atsumu was really never yours from the beginning for example. And let’s be clear...they weren’t yours the moment they left you for YN. I’m sorry if you need them to boost your ego and to clean up after you, but they are people who have the right to decide how they want to continue on with life, and if they don’t want to interact with you, they don’t. You are never entitled to control another person’s autonomy.

Hope the exhaustion doesn’t affect the legibility or clarity of this ask.

Again, I wish you very very well fr0ggy!

hi love!!!! it makes me rlly happy to hear that you had a lovely day!! <3<3

i love hearing u talk abt omi — he’s one of my favorite characters to write in pf and i would like to give him a cheek kiss hehe ALSO ur cuddling hcs made me so warm omg!! it’s been so long since i’ve had a real hug (my primary love language is physical touch && none of my family are particularly affectionate which leaves me </3) so reading them just ugh my heart 🥺

& finally i absolutely agree w you!! meiko has serious issues n likes to treat the boys like objects </3 it’s icky icky

anyways i always enjoy hearing from you! i hope you have a good day / night !!! <3

[nc7dr3am]

LILY’s RELTIONSHIPS WITH THE DREAMIES

MARKLY:

so their ship name is just his full name LMAO

they love it

so yknow how dream clowns mark?

obviously she does too

but she’s more gentle and has a TON of respect for mark

“minhyung oppa is extremely hardworking ... he’s always working to be his absolute best and he is so kind and down to earth”

they’re actually a really soft duo

because like. mark is truly her big brother

he cares for her a lot and helped her so much during her debut

he helps her practice her dancing (even after he left dream)

because she trusts him a lot and he know the exact way to help her

but yeah she still clowns him

calls him old man all of the time

but she was full on SOBBING at their last concert with mark

like she had to move her mic because it was so bad

mark isn’t too big on the pda but when they’re together he always lets his baby sister give him so many hugs

when sm told them that mark was coming back and they were a fixed unit ... god she cried a lot then too

she was so happy

“lily is actually so sweet guys. like, she’s so genuine. she cares a lot for all of us and she’s also so intelligent? she’s always reading” - mark when asked about her on vlive

he’s trying to teach her guitar but the only instrument she formally knows is violin

her skill with the bass is self taught and she doesn’t know actual notes so she applies that to guitar and mark is trying to ACTUALLY teach her

mark also understands her well because they were both raised in the west

she expresses herself better in english and mark is always there to understand and listen

they’re just actual siblings and love each other so much

LILJUN:

firstly

lily makes renjun look a lot taller

she doesn’t ever make fun of his height and gets mad at the other dreamies when they do

she clowns his voice crack tho HAH

lowkey the savage duo

lily is more secretly savage though

renjun is the one allowed in her room the most

he works on his art and she reads or writes or practices violin

they have a lot of quiet moments

but they also get silly together

so lily doesn’t think about the universe deeply because she lowkey thinks it’s a waste of her time

like .. she’ll never know and she’s fine with that so why dwell on it

HOWEVER she really believes in aliens and she and renjun legit have sat for hours looking online ab alien shit

they’re also both so smart

and she’s always talking about how much she admires renjun’s brain

stans his vocal talent. like. she’s loud about it

fans love this duo a lot nd they have a lot of romantic shippers

even tho .. they have never liked each other that way LMAO

at the airport she links arms with him a lot and they look like they’re gossiping hhhhh

when the dreamies are being too much they just look at each other and fans love that shit

also they’re both arguably the scariest members

renjun because... duh y’all know him

but lily doesn’t get annoyed often. when she does... there’s hell to pay and she has a good punch

“renjun oppa is so good at korean! i’m actually korean and he speaks it better than i do!”

“that’s because i’m smarter than you”

“do you want to die?”

basically just a really close pair! they’re always there for each other 🥺

JENLY:

she openly says that jeno is the cutest member

“he’s the most adorable person ever! his eyesmile is too cute”

the way she laughed when jeno ripped his shirt off-

she clowned him for DAYS

every time she was wearing a jacket or cardigan she ripped it off and mocked him

also whenever she’s drinking something around him she recreates his milk cf

also!!! she thinks jeno is so funny

she loves him and his humor

she and jeno have a really really deep bond.

he saw her journal (refer to my post about her room) and he’ll take what he read to the grave

he checks in on her a lot because he knows when she’s hurting

when they were trainees she was struck by how kind he was to her

and they were stuck together ever since

lily hasn’t ever been mad at him ONCE

they’re arguably the softest duo

they have a lot of romantic shippers too but

again

it’s a no

she’s a big nomin shipper too like unironically she thinks there’s something there

she always hypes his vocals!! he doesn’t get to sing enough >:(

he’s also her biggest cheerleader and when she cries and gets upset about her dancing he always pulls her aside and consoles her 🥺

he helps her with writing songs too!

wholesome beautiful friendship

they go out to eat a lot

jeno also helps her paint her nails LMAO

and they ride bikes together a lot

can’t commit to working out with him though because it’s way too much for her to do all that

lily also bakes a lot. and jeno appreciates that. a LOT

they’re best friends. she even bought them stupid girly heart bracelets that connect together LMAO

JIHYUCK:

so much affection!!!!

she is such a hyuck stan

“haechannie is my bias!!”

always calls him fullsun (in english)

number one hyuck skin enthusiast!! she thinks he’s gorgeous and glows brighter than all of them

also she loves his singing and thinks his vocal tone is so unique

always laughs at his jokes and finds him hilarious

he doesn’t prank her as much as the others because he’s actually so sweet to her

he’s used to having a younger sister and thinks of lily as his little sister

they constantly text and facetime a lot since they live in different dorms

she’s lowkey whipped for him and he’s whipped for her

not in a romantic way tho!

another member who always eats her baking

they learn girl group dances together

now we all know damn well that hyuck is the sweetest boy and so full of love

but we also know he annoys the shit out of the members

jimin is NO exception

he pokes fun at her and mocks her all the time

so she slaps him in the back of the head LMAOO

when does she actually get mad tho? when he shows up at the dorms and enters her room without permission

cue her chasing him around the dorms with murder in her eyes

yknow the vine where it’s like

“let me see what you have?”

“a KNIFE”

“NO”

that’s the other guys making sure hyuck doesn’t get brutally murdered

because lily can pack a punch

all in all though, they’re a great duo and they’re always so proud of each other

JAEJIMIN:

okay jaemin babies the FUCK outta her

he always takes care of her and talks to her about her concerns and vice versa

he was so happy for her when she debuted and was sad he couldn’t be there for it

she visited him all the time when he was gone

and she was heartbroken that he wasn’t with dream

she is a BIG 8dream stan because they are a family

but yeah fans can’t even ship them romantically because they know lily is his lil baby

she helps him with his english

and he always compliments her singing and dancing

proud of her songwriting

so much affection

even tho she hates when he pinches her cheeks n calls her cute

when he came back during go she was overjoyed

“go is our special era! we were all reunited~~”

he always wanted a sister and now he has one <3

she drinks a lot of coffee but not as much as him and was so worried about his health

they’re the biggest flirts w czennies

you’ll always find them with their arms linked in the airport

and everywhere really

during empathy era she was always hugging jaemin’s side

they also do a lot of lives together!!

such cute bffs

she is a big nomin stan like i said

name twins and they always tell everyone that they’re actual siblings

jaemin’s mom is so fond of her and treats her like her own daughter

HE REALLY TRIES TO GIVE HER FASHION ADVICE AND GIVE INPUT ON HOW HER HAIR SHOULD LOOK FOR COMEBACKS

they’re really true siblings and best friends 🥺

LILLE:

THESE MFS ARE BEST FRIENDS

01’ liners and so similar in ages but he ALWAYS brings up that he’s older

they compete over a lot

literally everything is a competition

she’s at her most childish with him

they also make lots of bets and she usually wins

clowns him for those predebut pics LOL

SHE ALWAYS SEND THEM IN THE GC AND EVEN POSTS THEM ON BUBBLE N SHIT HAHA

they can be really soft but will never admit it even if they are caught on camera

they’re pretty calm if they’re cooking together

he is Banned™️ from her room and she won’t budge at all

“chenle isn’t allowed in my room because he will disturb my peace”

remember on that one ep of weekly idol where chenle was SCREAMING while they did aegyo

yeah it’s louder when lily does aegyo

u didn’t hear it from me but her aegyo is SO cute it’s not as cringey as the others

but chenle hates it because she’s cute and he wants to clown her but he CANT

really proud of each other. super proud of each other

chenle has sat with her as she’s cried a lot. and comforted her. and it always stays between them.

she’s always there for him too

a LOT of fans have suspected that there’s something there

his mom loves her so much!!!!!

when she and jisung went to his house they were BAFFLED and impressed

“something bothers me a lot. one day, chenle woke up and looked grown up. he used to have chubby cheeks and looked like a kid and now he looks like an adult and has such defined cheekbones. it’s so strange”

when they became adults they got SHITFACED DRUNK

they definitely don’t say it a lot and when they do it’s in private (even tho everyone knows)

but they really love each other 🥺

LILJI:

jisung and lily is

p o p u l a r

with fans

because fans put together the pieces that jisung had a crush on lily during debut

lily thought it was sweet because jisung was always so cute and young

she saw him as a little kid

they used to not have MANY interactions

she always laughs when jisung is bein funny

and is in AWE of his dancing

he always assures her when she gets upset about her dancing

lilchenji is an ICONIC friendship

they watch a lot of movies together

she’s been on chenjis this and that a few times

remember that live when nomin got all in each other’s faces while chenji just froze and looked at them and then looked at the camera and looked real shocked

she was there and the three of them were like 😶

so yeah when jisung started getting really tall lily was real confused

and then somehow

during go and we go up

jisung started looking different. like. more grown up

and he had more confidence and talked to her more

and lily was like 😳😳

but spoilers so i won’t go too deep into that

they’re really good friends these days tho

the fans LOVE THEM it’s such a popular ship

at the dream shows when they sing bye my first

the song that lily famously LOVES

yknow that one line jisung has where the music goes quiet and he goes

“na geuttaeneun cham eoryeosseo”

blessed line it was beautiful

anyway at the dream show jisung would hold the mic to lily and have her sing the line or they’d duet it

and their eye contact!!!! and lily’s SMILE IS SO BRIGHT

stars in their eyes

um anyway!! they’re great friends nd very shippable for. reasons!

author’s note! i’m also a ‘01 liner! so don’t think it’s weird if i’m writing a jisung romance LMAO or who knows if it’ll be jisung? 👀👀

[musicallisto]

hello there, love! can i request to be shipped from a male character in the sophomore, ilitw, and high school story? I'm a female with dark brown eyes (almost black) and jet black hair. I'm slightly tan. I like listening to music especially indie and bands (coldplay, imagine dragons, bastille), movies, eating at fast foods alone, can appreciate dry and self deprecating humor. i hardly open up but i like listening to others. i get attach to fictional characters, d eEP CONVERSATIONS && theories!!

we have the same music taste vkvkvkvkvk

I Ship You With…

Z I G   O R T E G A

(faceclaim: Santiago Segura)• You would introduce him to soooo much good music. Actually, it would be an exchange, because you both know some excellent artists and tracks and you’re dying to share them with someone, stan them and bingewatch their concerts and interviews. When you first meet and eventually start dating, you have very different musical tastes but as days pass and you begin to show each other your favorite songs, they evolve into a perfect mixture of the best of your favorite genres! You end up creating a collaborative Spotify playlist - you know, those kinds of playlists that you can both freely add songs to and when you’re not sleeping with each other, it’s a tradition to send the other the link to your favorite song at the moment. That way, you discover tons of new bands to stan and Zig becomes this huge Imagine Dragons and Muse fan (also he develops a slight admirative crush on Chris Martin but like who doesn’t have a crush on this man honestly, a true hero)

• Okay you like eating at fast foods alone and he’s very concerned about his diet, his well-being and his health since he must remain in perfect shape for his ballet, so it’s not that often that you eat pizza or burgers together. (actually, close to never.) so instead, you have these homecooked, delicious meals where you just invite each other, cook together and end up tasting your, ahem, culinary invention. Neither of you are gifted cookers so it usually ends up in a huge food fight in the kitchen, tainting poor, passing-through Becca’s blouse and terrified-yet-mildly-amused Aaron’s T-shirt. There’s cake preparation on every single wall and on the floor as well, strawberries dead on the countertops and eggshells laying wounded next to the bowl, so it’s safe to say that cookery speaking, it’s a disaster, but neither of you really mind after the absolutely amazing reenactment of a medieval battle you’ve just made, and when Zig leans in to “wipe from flour off your face” (it quickly turns into a heated make-out session on the worktop until a traumatized Zack walks in and yells he’ll need to “sluice his eyes with acid to forget the obsecenity he just witnessed”.

T Y L E R

(faceclaim: Harry Shum Jr.)• MOVIES AND TV SHOWS MARATHONS, ohmygod, so many of them. The funny thing is neither of you actually have a Netflix account. You’re just constantly stealing your friends’ codes, especially Becca’s and Chris’s, because they’re too busy working or… doing undefined presidential stuff to notice and also to even use their Netflix. So you’re basically the hugest moochers the world has ever known but none of you mind because what’s the point of having Netflix if you’re not gonna use it, that shit’s expensive plus they’re technically just doing a friend favor amirite? So you regularly have The Crown And The Flame marathons, you know how much Tyler loves that show and even if at first you only agreed to watch it so he would stop talking about it 25/8, you ended up adoring the story and the characters, so you watch the three seasons every once in a while and can basically recite all the script by heart. You even dressed up as Annelyse for Halloween so you would match with Tyler and Abbie! Your personal guilty pleasure, however, are Cassandra Leigh movies, that woman is just so talented and beautiful, and her acting is always on point! Tyler wasn’t a huge fan of it at first but eventually liked her movies more and more (and also, he just loves to see his best friend happy and fangirling over her movies, because it’s cute and rewarding and also it can always be useful for blackmailing so be warned)

• You are King and Queen of self-deprecating humor and dark references and memes that literally no one else understands. Sometimes you’ll just look at each other and literally say or do NOTHING and burst out laughing like a bunch of kids. You just have so many private jokes and memories with Tyler that are simply impossible to understand for someone who doesn’t have a brain and a sense of humor wired like yours. Also there’s literally no boundaries in your self-mockery, like you’ll just point at a trash can in the street and simply say “same” and the rest of the gang will ask you why you say that, telling you it’s not true, you’re beautiful and worth it etc., but Tyler will randomly laugh because he knows. And at this point it’s become a competition between you. You have yet to decide the prize but whoever comes up with the best self-deprecating punchline wins… something. Between the “you know they made a day dedicated to me? It’s garbage day!” and the “my personality in a nutshell is the loser character trait from the Sims”, it’s a concerto of mockery and the others don’t understand how you can possibly laugh at somethiing so sad?? but intellectuals (Tyler and you) know it’s the best form of humor and the tournament still goes on day by day

N O A H   M A R S H A L L

(faceclaim: Nick Robinson)• Before anyone comes @ me, I KNOW HE’S NOT A LI AND HE’S A TRAITOR BUT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU LIVE IN AN ESCAPIST FANTASY CREATED AS A SELF-DEFENCE MECHANISM TO COPE WITH THE HARDSHIPS OF LIFE so yeah I ship you with Noah. You would help him after Jane’s death, being the most comprehensive and supportive friend ever. Despite your young age, you knew what Noah wanted in those troubled times what a lot of space and quiet, and every now and then a friend to talk to, to distract himself.That’s what you became for him. When all the others children were circling around him like vultures, asking for stories, all the juicy and gruesome details about her death, about that supposed thing that thing that supposedly killed her, you were the one who scared them away, protecting your best friend and telling them how inconsiderate and heartless they were being. You easily were one of the most mature and friendly people he’d ever known, also giving him support and sometimes advice to face his mother and the abrupt departure of his father. When you grew up, you always helped him stay focused on what really mattered to him, reminding him of the diner he wanted to open, of his plans for the future. It was only a matter of years until he realized he was in love with his childhood best friend, who had been there for him through the good and the bad.

• Since you started dating Noah, a few years after the end of high school because he was not feeling ready to be involved romantically with anyone then, you realized that your attachment to fictional characters started to evolve. You could almost always see a pattern in the characters you prefered in books: it was often the lonely, tortured and sarcastic character, withdrawn because of his dark past, and you were quick to determine that it was because of how much they reminded you of Noah after all the shit happened. He was feeling a lot better now, and you could see how radiant he was in his culinary major, but you always remembered all the hardships you had to face and all the self-esteem issues you had to fight from both sides. Also, Noah understood perfectly what it was like to be completely fucked up by a book or a TV show, and to get attached to a character to the point that you can’t stop thinking about them and feel like a own member of your family died when the sadistic author decides to put an end to their suffering. (can u tell this is personal experience) He never judges you and always comforts you when your favorite character died or is having a hard time or your OTP became canon or you’re just hyperventilating/ugly crying because of fictional universes.

• After several years of fighting and struggling, and many days of hopefulness, Noah’s dream of opening his own diner finally comes true and he’s more glowing than you’ve ever seen him. He’s incredibly thankful because not only have you been morally helpful, you’ve also helped him economically and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to repay you. You don’t want anything of course: just saying your boyfriend truly happy is fabulously rewarding. Baby Jane’s soon becomes a known spot for Westchester locals, who more or less all know Noah from the time he lived there, and it feels weird yet great to move back to your hometown after so many years. You sometimes help him when you have a day off work, cooking with him or, more usually, you work as a waitress because he playfully kisses you while saying “Listen, I love you a lot, but I’m better slaving over a hot stove.” You don’t mind, because it’s always a pleasure to work with him and since the customers remember you from your younger days, you get the chance to chat with them and reunite with your old group of friends, who come to visit you every once in a while. It’s a calm and placid life, but after everything you’ve been through, it’s everything you want and deserve.

A N D Y   K A N G

(faceclaim: Min Jun Qian)• Your best friend would be Andy, and this since childhood, just like Noah! He would be a rock for you, always there to cheer you up and listen to you when you’re down, and you would be equally comforting to him, especially when he’s going through figuring out his life and his identity. He would’ve been so lost without you during his childhood and adolescence, after the terrifying Jane drama and everything that came after. He quickly becomes you partner in crime and, being a little more extroverted than you, he’s often the one who introduces you to his friends, invites you to parties through mutual acquaintances, and sometimes even gives you ideas for uh… some not-so-authorized stuff in the school, but you only agree if you know it’s perfectly safe and you don’t risk anything (or at least, anything too important) because you have to admit the thrills and the adrenaline are what you live for in those little moments, especially with your best friend.

• He’s also the one you can have deep conversations with during high school. You know Noah is still too emotionally bruised to talk about things that he may consider “depressing” or “too big for children to understand”, and you respect that he doesn’t want to get involved in those kinds of heavy reflections. However, you really want to discuss about them with someone, and Andy is the perfect person for that. He’s very open-minded, intelligent and ressourceful. His goofy, funny side always adds a twist to the theories you already know and debate about - “maybe you are an Illuminati, how can I be sure I can trust you?” (to which you answer “you can’t” with a malicious smile). Sometimes it’s not even that deep, it’s just talking about what you think is going to happen next in your favorite TV shows or books, or discussing a character’s psychology - it often happens that Andy and you have drastically opposed points of view on the same character and you like to confront them and understand why the other likes them, or hates them.

• Your favorite spot to talk about those theories and have those philosophical conversations about the moon, the earth, society and reality is in his garden. When you were kids, you used to have sleepovers at his house and your parents never minded because they were friends with Andy’s; now that you’re older, you basically spend most of your free nights at his place, laying on the grass and watching the navy blue sky. You built a little wooden house in the trees in his backyard when you were twelve, with the help of your friends and his parents, and it has a perfect view of the sky and the trees below. At first, going up there is very difficult, especially surrounding yourselves with trees and the singing of the forest, but the more you went up in the tree house, the easier it was to go back to the forest. It’s so calm and placid up there, with only the birds chirping to disturb you, or rather soothe you, and you’ve lost count of the nights you’ve fallen asleep there. It’s the best place to have deep conversations and also silly dares, and it’s so peaceful that you can almost forget all the bad stuff that happened in your youth.

I’m sorry but I didn’t have time to write a long headcanon like those up there for HSS! Just know that I romantically ship you with Michael Harrison, someone you’d be able to talk to about anything, from the silliest things (“do crabs think fish are flying?”) to the deepest (”what do you think Area 51 is really?”), and he’d always be up for a good laugh. And your best friend would be Morgan Jennings, being one of Michael’s best friends, she became yours as well, and you would love the same kind of music and go to concerts together and collectively lose your shit. Everyone thinks Morgan is a little selfish, but you know better than that, and you want to prove everyone that she actually has a heart of gold!

Hope you don’t mind this, I didn’t want to make you wait any longer and it was getting a lot for me to write!

Moodboard

bigger version

Playlist

Oasis - Wonderwall (yES)Coldplay - Adventure of a LifetimeArctic Monkeys - R U Mine?Halsey - Ghost

[thattaekwondoblog]

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)). 

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though. 

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life). 

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself). 

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it. 

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore. 

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.