#self constructed fandom pressure got to me

[theseuscloud]

so, uh... have your recently spent time in the bg3 tag by any chance

Yes

[tech-deck]

Tech-Deck 2.0!!...sorta

This is a long one folks, so I'll add a TLDR at the bottom. But for those who wish to read on, grab some popcorn :3

Hello friends! It's been a while. like, a year or so I guess? There may be some who remember me, and there may be some who are like "never heard of ya!" and that's quite alright!

My name is Tech-Deck, or Techie, or Amber (by person to person mostly, but anyone is welcome to call me by that name too) I used to be someone who posted an re-blogged a lot back during the heydays of a show called "The Bad Batch"

A year ago I made the ulimate decision of destroying my tumblr account of, geez 11 years? I had it since 2012, but really didn't do much on it for a long time. That was until I got hooked into the Star Wars fandom. And suddenly it was like an entirely new wave of socializing had swept me under my own two feet!

I fell in love with a show called "The Mandalorian" during lockdown and had such a blast that I wanted more SW content, but didn't really know what else to watch that I found interesting.

And then my brother told me about this Clone Wars spinoff called "The Bad Batch" and I watched the first hour long premiere and I was instantly hooked.

But at the time I had not seen much of The Clone Wars TV show outside of a few stray episodes on cable TV. so I knew I had to dig my heels and go back to watch the entire 7 season run of the show and...My God what a show it was! (This is why I'm an avid cartoon = for everyone ambassador because holy hell!) So much drama, and action and political espionage and sabotage and all the "tages" lol.

From there I got back to the new show that seemed to be an interesting spin-off of TCW and it was something in that show that really sparked my shift into more social and creative avenues.

I joined Discord for the first time, I started to connect to a lot of other fans of the show, and then....I got the inspiration to write!

and my God, did I have a lot to write about, or moreso I had a lot to write about a certain character. But the bottom line in the moment was I had jumped into a new creative avenue that I never thought I would ever do. And, not to toot my own horn, but I felt like I did pretty well with my works. At least the ones important to me were.

I enjoyed the love and even the constructive criticism I got, I went through the same fun of watching each episode and wanting to write my own characters, or ideas into each one, but alas my time management and slow writing speeds didn't quite match up all the time.

And lets just say, that in all my years of living, I have met friends for a season, a reason, and a lifetime thanks to this fandom. I get to work with an amazingly talented, awesome, and wonderful individual who has been nothing but supportive of my endeavors and I am so very thankful to have them in my life! so yes, thank you @tech-aficionado!!

And of course, there are too many to list here, but I have made some incredible friends that have pushed me, and inspired me to not only write, but to be more open about my experiences and challenges, and dare I say, my strangeness in such a strange world.

...With all that said...why did I leave tumblr then if I was doing great?

To be honest...on the inside I let my own self doubts and criticisms get the best of me.

Many days i would struggle to even open up my discord or chat with people, or even be honest in how i was feeling. I could tell that a lot of external pressure I thought I felt was really my own self-hate and guilt seeping through the smiles and bright eyes. I wanted to be open, but something was holding me back from explaining my sorrows, and ultimately I also could tell my main struggle was hoping for absolute recognition.

I realize it's a silly thing now, but back then I would be disheartened at the lack of response or comments and such to my works or to my replies. I felt like there was still this invisible wall that I couldn't get past to be part of this greater collective of individuals. I let my idea of perfectionism and need for approval get the best of me, and I finally had a moment of clarity driving out to a hike one day.

There were many times I wanted to delete everything social media wise and just forego the entirety of it. To finally be like me in my youth where all I really needed was the open air and a good book and some irl friends to hang with.

So I finally deleted my tumblr account and oddly enough, it did feel like a giant weight came off of my shoulders. Like I no longer had to feel like I needed to prove myself by writing all the time, or trying to engage in fandom chats with everyone at all times. I finally felt free to let my real personality and introverted needs to take over.

I was still pretty active on Discord with friends, but even then soon I started to dwindle in my comments and posts. Gone were the days where I would have the app open on my laptop or phone, ready to jump into a conversation about the latest episode or the latest spicy fic one of us wrote!

Now I barely keep check, I'm on a few times during the week, but it's mostly DM's to my boss, who is currently sitting next o me as I type like my keyboard is on fire, about how annoying our co-workers can be, or planned trips to places together. But I can tell that this is exactly where I am the happiest.

I love all my friends that I have made on here and on Discord or other media, and I want you all to know that I will never not love you all so much, but I also know that my own sanity rests with more quiet time than probably most people.

I'm a loner at heart, always have been and I probably will most likely be for the rest of my life. Do I have my days where I need social contact, yes. But even then there are moments where my battery just dips so drastically that I need a breather for a week or 2 before I come back online, or chat again.

So now the real question...why am I back on Tumblr, where it all began?

Well, I guess I never really left this place. I had this new account for a while, mostly to make sure my friends were doing okay that I didn't chat to much, but also, there's just something I enjoy about seeing everyone's passions and love to share their creativity and liveliness on one of the last genuine social sites left. I can't bear the idea of not having something great to read or share with others and this is that one place that sparks creativity in others...it definitely did for me :3

So now you all know, at least whoever read all the way through! (I commend you, it was definitely a lot to process myself) and I want you all to know that I'm not fully back and running a blog like I used to. I don't write much at all anymore, and I probably won't pick it up much again unless I really feel the urge, but even those urges are just small WIP's that hang out in my docs for years collecting dust and growing new mold spores!

I'm just here, vibing to my own tunes and at my own pace, and I have made peace with that. And I want to encourage you all to also take a breather from time to time, you don't have to delete anything if you're not as insane to jump the gun like I did.

But take some time to consider your own health and well-being. Find that lost spirit if you feel like you're in the dark, and if this is where you feel your best and your most "you" than keep at it!

I will be here, vibing and lurking, just being me. And that's all that I need to be! PEACE!

TLDR: Tech-Deck is back, but at my own pace and my own vibe!

[utilitycaster]

Fjord

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

2. Favorite thing: so much, but I particularly like how good and effective he is at herding the cats of the Mighty Nein. There are many reasons why they bonded so tightly, but a factor was that Fjord early on was insistent that they figure out ways to work together. You can tell how carefully his backstory was constructed; part of why Sabian and Vandran are such beloved figures despite almost no screentime is because you can get such a clear an outline of them from Fjord’s behaviors and discussions that is honestly more thorough than that of some fully introduced NPCs. Getting back to the original point, you can tell from early on that this is someone accustomed to team dynamics under pressure (ie, a sailor). In general, everything we learned about Fjord, as it was revealed, made me go “ohhhhhhh yeah that makes sense,” which is in my opinion the sign of incredibly skilled storytelling and character building.

3. This is tough; this is a character I truly love and I am always team “this person’s flaws are an important part and erasing them means you do not fucking get it," so like, I am in favor of his perfectionism and control issues and closed-off-ness and in case it's not clear from my Midst blogging and which characters I'm drawn to there, nor my enjoyment of Vex, a particular vibe of which he is one of the best examples. I also, admittedly, am defensive because while people watching C2 now without all the fandom discourse of C2 tend to enjoy him, he got done rather dirty by the fandom and was the recipient of basically every single thing I dislike that fandoms do (he is not alone; Keyleth got this with the added complication of rampant misogyny, and Veth got shades of this too, and all have similarly been received much better by people watching without fandom influence). So, for example, while I would love to have seen more of his backstory in-game, I am hesitant to say that because, well, ever notice how Caduceus was sidelined by the party and we didn't explore his past but Fjord avoided his backstory? Ever notice how Caleb's asshole behaviors are because of trauma but Fjord (grew up in a Dickensian orphanage, bullied over his race to the point of willing self-harm from a young age, betrayed, stabbed, and left to drown at which point he was forced into a warlock pact he didn't remember) is just an asshole? (I'm saying this as someone who very much likes Caduceus and Caleb, but this was blatant from the fandom, and pretty constant too.) So to be clear I think he has plenty of flaws, as a complex character, but I do not dislike those flaws as canonical aspects of him.

Anyway. The joke but also kind of true answer is, as Laura herself pointed out, why did he wait 7 entire years to propose to Jester.

25. I liked him from the start but Beau was actually my favorite in early C2! I liked the top table (and what faint impressions I had of Yasha) from the start, but Fjord had the Percy and Vex trait of "guy who can act normal in a social situation when no one else can" for the first stretch of the campaign, which meant he was high up there but didn't move up in my estimation until he started to reveal how civilizedly (not a real word, but vitally important as a modifier here for a number of reasons) unhinged and insecure he was.

[artist-issues]

I get what your trying to say with changing tastes, and I agree with you. It just sometimes feels hard for me because while I'm trying my hand at enjoying some tragic things, in the past its because fandoms pressured me into doing so or else I got labeled or got some passive aggressive comments which basically boiled down to "its okay, but not really. and you should kinda feel bad"

now I'm not blaming you for that nor I am I saying everyone who's trying to help me is a bully but what want me to try was a friend I met

for example, I had hated RWBY's story as much as I loved the characters, and certain concepts and ships I wanted but dropped it due to V3 and onward with Pyrrha Nikos being tragic and put a bitter taste in my mouth for tragic things onward, my friend although fine with it, made sure I was aware my reasons were subjective which I agreed, but he didn't demonize subjective feelings and in fact related to me with a similar scenario in his personal life and how he'd learned to deal with it and tried to help me understand.

He gave me judgement whatsoever and gave me support with what I did like as much as he didn't like it. So while I no longer like RWBY, I get the point of those stories and try my luck elsewhere. But it was when someone treated me like a person and didn't wag the finger at me was what allowed me to give these sorts of things another chance.

But my experience with fandoms, at least The RWBY fandom, is that there's very little of that and mostly a superiority contest. And I don't understand why its so hard for certain people on the internet be the same as my friend.

Sorry to rant, and you don't need to answer, I just want to give my opinion on this

I'm going to answer because I appreciate your thoughts! I think the problem you're pointing out is valid: even if someone has something constructive to say, they don't always say it in a constructive way, or out of selfless motives.

Modern fandoms (which is the same thing as "modern audiences") are, in large majority, the kind of people who are watching something to be entertained, not watching it to be edified.

When you stop thinking of a story as "just entertainment" and start thinking of it as "a lesson someone is trying to teach me," then things take a different turn. Audiences can suddenly try to change their tastes based on that, like I said. They say to themselves "this is a lesson someone's trying to teach me; I might not be used to or comfortable with how they're saying it, but the lesson might be worth it, so I'll GET used to how they're saying it."

OR, audiences can stop finding their "sense of self" in a story, and therefore get wayyy less offended when someone doesn't like the same thing they like, or worse, when someone claims to like it more than they do! 😱

I think you're right about that. The point I'm making is, modern fandom doesn't even really like the stories they claim to like--they just like themselves, and the things that make them feel entertained, distracted, uplifted, knowledgeable, or cool. That's why you get fanfiction where authors write their "favorite" character completely out-of-character from the original material--because they never really liked that character for what it was, they just liked the tiny pieces of themselves that they could associate with that character, and re-wrote that character to only be those things.

That's why "comfort characters" are a thing. That's why "ship wars" are a thing. It's all self-focused. And there's a place for some of that. It's okay to go to a movie because you know it'll make you feel hopeful or happy. But you'll get even more benefit out of analyzing those feelings and why the movie makes you feel that way. Is it because you were beginning to think about the world in a dark, wrong way and the movie gently corrected you with its message? (Like Mary Poppins Returns does for me!)

Or do you simply feel hopeful because...maybe a character in the movie does something wrong, but the movie rewards them for it instead of punishing them, and you want to be able to relate to that? Or are you just distracted? After all, Rome invented panem et circus for entertain the people...so they could mistreat the people while they were "distracted."

Anyway. I wanted to keep it brief but I'm not that disciplined in my own style of communication yet! 😅 I think your friend did you a good turn! I've only seen a bit of RWBY, but if it helped you to think more clearly about a part of life that you maybe weren't thinking clearly about before, awesome--it did what stories are meant to do.

P.S. People like me can fall into the same trap that I just accused "fandom" people of doing. We can feel so good about ourselves for having the "correct" analysis or view of a story that we mistreat other people. Which basically hamstrings our goal of "changing people's minds about stories." Because we accidentally let "make people think we're smart and right" become the goal. So this is a good reminder for me, too!

[thelocalcryptid-s]

Greetings and salutations

Hello! I’m Salem, and I write stuff!

I made this blog back in 2020 when I planned on writing A LOT but I don’t have as much motivation to write as I used to, so this is mostly just going to be shit writing, as well as fanfics that’ll have no update schedule because having the pressure of a schedule never helps me.

Current fandoms I may write for:

- Marvel

- Lord of The Rings

- Star Wars

- Supernatural

- DC

- Twilight

- Call of Duty

(If I can think of anything else, I will update this and add them)

I usually write character x reader or character x oc

I write smut, fluff, and angst

Subjects I do not and will never write for

- Non-con/cnc (I don’t have anything against others writing it, it’s just triggering for me personally)

- Characters who are minors (I’m an adult! Writing about underage characters in an x reader sense makes me uncomfortable!)

- Incest (this should go without saying)

- Darker themes like yandere (again, I’ve got nothing against others writing it, this is just a personal preference thing)

- Zoophilia/Beastiality (this does not include monsterfucking, there is a clear distinction between monsters and actual animals, namely the ability to give informed consent and verbally or otherwise clearly communicate)

- Necrophilia (again, this is self-explanatory)

- Hard kinks (the only ones I’ll really write about are heavy dom/degradation/choking/praise/dub-con (rarely)/punishment/overstimulation/age gaps)

If I think of anything else, I will edit the post and add them

DNI list:

DNI if you’re racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, pro-life, Zionist, antisemitic, xenophobic, ableist, are a MAP (minor attracted person) or support them in any way, a zoophile, and just in general if you’re a shitty person. I don’t need negativity on my blog and any I see will be deleted. Idc if call me sensitive or whatever, you’re still gonna get deleted + blocked lmfao

————

Constructive criticism on my work is always welcome.

In fact, I encourage it, because it helps me become a better writer. But it should be constructive.

How do I give constructive criticism?

It’s easy! Here are some tips:

- Use the feedback sandwich method (1, talk about strengths; 2. share areas of improvement; 3. share positive results of areas are addressed)

- Focus on the situation, not the person (Don’t attack the writer)

- Be specific with your feedback (The more specific the better!)

- Comment on things which can be actioned on (Not things which are fixed and cannot be changed)

- Give recommendations on how to improve (Don’t just critique, be helpful too!)

- Don’t make assumptions (Focus on what you see, not what you think you know)

Obviously you don’t have to use those guidelines, they’re just general tips if you’re unsure if your criticism is constructive or not.

————

Anyways, thanks for reading this post! Hope you enjoy my stuff :)

[scribeoffate]

not tagged, shamelessly stealing this game

Rules:

post the top 5 works you’re most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular)

your top 4 current WIPs that you’re excited to release in the new year

your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing (or art) over the past year

your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year,

and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this year!

Top Five Works:

1 Daily Scott Rec Blog

This a rec blog where I rec one Scott fic per day. I have read things I might never have, encouraged writers and artists and commenters. It's just a nice place. And I kid you not, I legit cried when I was queuing Dec. 31st's post. For a person who has been so good at... not finishing things, I am so proud of this.

2 Scottuary Set (ratings vary from G-E)

My first set of scottuary fics. 13 fics all with a significant amount of effort by myself and @spikeface combining the prompts to fill out an entire card. I was so thrilled when I got that blackout. And I am really proud of every single one of those stories.

3 Deucalion's Progeny (e, dark fic, noncon)

This is the fic that probably really got me back into writing. I did it for nano 2021 and spent a lot of 2022 finishing it. It's incredibly self-indulgent and I really just let myself indulge of my dark little urges for it. It's also truedemon. I'm so close to finishing it, tbh. But I am still proud of it even if it isn't done.

4 Amplification (e, darkfic, noncon)

This was the first wip I have posted before completion in decades. I was Very Concern that it would join many from the past as "never completed forever". But I did finish it. And I really liked how it turned out.

5 Scott/Multishipping Edit

I think this shows a lot of what I have learned re: editing this year. I also love how many different pairings I managed to get. I have plans to make another with just as many *different* pairings. Scott should be the fandom bike and I am so happy to show everyone why.

Honorable mention: Scott/Nemeton edit

Listen. I spent so much time on this crack edit you don't even know. And it makes me laugh every single time.

Top 3 Improvements in your writing:

1- Confidence. I know have a lot more confidence in my abilities and ideas than I did before the beginning of last year.

2- Learning to work with a beta reader and really use constructive feedback to make something good Extra good

3-Writing a fic about someone who isn't the POV character and finding that balance. I would point to my Noshiko and Scott, Boyd and Scott and Satomi and Kira fics as fics where I felt like I really learned a lot about find that. It's challenging but so rewarding.

Top 2 resolutions

1 - quit measuring the success of my writing by kudos, especially as compared to others. it's not super reasonable in general, and so much worse in this fandom

2- work with helping other writers, possibly by beta reading. understanding i can offer valuable insight even if I'm not the best at spelling and grammar help

Top Five WIPs:

Truedemon long fic, 50k+ of Scott goes with the alpha pack

Explicit Scottuary Bingos: scaleo, scott/nemeton ft: polypack agenda, sciles holidays, scallison and scott/ethan, lydia/jackson, lydia/scott, jackson/scott

Rafael and Scott casefic basically

Maybe Satomi fic if I can get myself motivated

Edit! I forgot to answer: and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this year!

Which, to be fair, is a completely impossible question to answer. I love a lot of the lines I wrote this year. But I haven't had the opportunity to brag about the summary for my scira fic:

for your pleasure (e, consensual) : Or: Kira sells her husband to his former enemies for his (and her) pleasure. (And charity.)

Fortunately or unfortunately for you guys, I think I'm hilarious. This summary never fails to make me smile. And the fic is p hot porn, too. Very loving. <3 (For real, actually.)

I tag with no pressure: @spikeface, @momentofmemory, @scintalla, @letthestorieslive, @azraeldoesnotdispute, @rhyslahey, @domesticated-feral, @nacreousgore, @slumop, @slice-of-magenta

and anyone else who wants to do it. steal it like did! it's fun

[sineater-starflicker]

DPS-Inspired Extemporaneous Thoughts: John Keating was Collateral Damage

Writing prompts don't usually work for me, especially for fanfiction of source material that I'm not over the moon about. It just so happened this month that I caught a story idea from...a prompt for a fandom that I'm not over the moon about. Guess what, I'm going for it.

But I wondered why I'm not more into the source material. I like being familiar enough with the Dead Poets Society movie that I can sit through a whole video essay about why it's the best example for how to construct queer readings. I can understand the New-England-boarding-school-prepster aesthetic appeal. It has its moments that support a thematic argument, like the quirky teacher's "art is what makes life worth living" speech, and the students breaking curfew to sit in the cave and read poems and make a world for themselves, or the students standing on top of the tables at the end.

When I first watched it, though, and even now, the stories of the students and the teacher seemed very disconnected from each other. There was something underdone about it, some lack of momentum, so I got the sense that it didn't come close to fulfilling its dramatic potential.

But maybe I didn't know that I was expecting something else, and I can't even point to something else to say what I was expecting. The screenwriter, Tom Schulman, spoke in 2013 at the University of California in Santa Barbara about how he based the characters of Knox Overstreet and Neil Perry on people that he grew up with. The script itself was his own spec-work, and he'd had to defend it against changes that were supposed to make the story more marketable. All that considered, along with how many people do hold it near and dear, the loosely-affiliated subplots and slice-of-life level of plot tension could be features rather than flaws.

Since I'm not a boarding school boy from 1959 Vermont, I can't say that what makes it great is its realism, but from my own pessimism I do think that's a highlight. If I could hone in on the most main of main characters, there would be three: Mister Keating, who introduces the main thematic conflict; Neil Perry, whose character development makes the plot happen; and Todd Anderson, who gets caught up in a plot that makes his character development happen. Charlie "Nuwanda" Dalton, Meeks, Pittsie, Knox and Cameron all add something crucial to the story, but I say the main thread is spun from three characters.

And they don't overcome the odds. As I wrote for the title of this entry, Keating introduced powerful ideas but even a direct suggestion (for Neil to speak honestly with his father) is outright rejected and spirals completely out of Keatings' hands. Neil is as self-possessed as an emotionally abused son can be, up until the very end, but he burns bright and burns out and does not prevail against the social pressures in his life. Todd loses two people that changed his life for the better, and the only consolation is that not even the loss of them can undo their changes. It's dreadfully unsatisfying, but that is what I find the movie captures best. I can appreciate it for being a Memento Mori of original thought. Even if all these students are from wealthy enough families that they can attend an exclusive boarding school, for all the privileges they have in this environment and the world, if they don't conform because they'd rather be human or something then they are going to lose. It shouldn't be that way, but I wouldn't like the movie as much as I do if it were completely aspirational and escapist. If even these skinny white boys from wealthy families can't be people—explorers, artists, true friends, (and, on occasion if not by default, sixteen-or-seventeen-year-old purveyors of cringe problematicism c.1989) or literally alive—because of the extremely repressive society that they're in...Then what does that forebode for the rest of us? How have we been doing since 1989, or 1959 for that matter?

[cuddlepilefics]

baby space chan please please please, maybe minho as a cg, including things like stress, pacifiers and bottle

Channie ish tiwed

 Fandom: Stray Kids

Little: Chan

Caregiver: Minho

 No one’s POV.:

Times had been tough on Stray Kids lately. Out of the blue, their management demanded them to produce a new album in half the time they usually needed. It shouldn’t be too hard on 3racha because Chan had a massive amount of unpublished songs on his laptop, yet he didn’t feel confident enough in them to have any of them published, at least not the way they were right now. The leader was always harsh on himself when it came to the music he was producing and only a small fraction actually made it on one of their albums. What was even more bothersome, was that their company building was under construction and it was hard to find a studio where it was quiet enough to record anything. Not being in the studio he was used to, was a big stressor for Chan. He had become attached to that room and felt the most motivated and focused there. Not being in his known environment was distracting the Aussie and slowed him down significantly. He ended up staying later every night and at some point, he didn’t even let Changbin and Jisung stay with him to help him because one, they were obviously exhausted though they tried not to show it too much and two, they distracted their hyung too. Usually they didn’t distract him but while already being unable to properly focus, any form of company had become a distraction for the oldest.

After impressive two hours of sleep at the dorm, Chan packed his things and got ready to go to the studio again. His members were still asleep but he couldn’t afford to rest too much, despite the headache he had developed from stress and exhaustion days prior. It wasn’t too bad, merely a nuisance that kept him from focusing but not enough to keep him from working. Just as he slipped on his shoes to head out, his phone buzzed with a message that had been sent to all JYP employees. The electrician had made a mistake, which left the entire company building without power. Reading this, Chan wanted to cry. How was he supposed to complete their album on time if he can’t even use the studio? Having to switch to a different one had already been hard enough but now? He’d have to work at the dorm. It would be tough because his members would all be home too. How was he supposed to focus and get something done here? He couldn’t even tell them to go and practice some dances because the dance rooms didn’t have power either and if they started dancing in their living room, Chan would have an emotional breakdown. Taking a few deep breaths, he took out his laptop and placed it on the dining table. He made his way to the kitchen to get himself a big cup of strong coffee. He’d really need that. The Aussie tried to make peace with the situation, since there was nothing he could do about it but still, he couldn’t help but feel even more stressed than before. He’d try to get as much done at the dining table before the first members woke up and when his roommates were up, he’d claim their shared bedroom as his new workplace and God forbid if anyone dared to disturb him.

Chan wasn’t usually an irritable person but with the sleep-deprivation and pressure put on him, he tended to snap at people quicker than anyone would expect. Especially, when it was one of his dongsaengs deliberately trying to keep him from working and telling him to go to bed. Couldn’t they see that their songs didn’t write themselves? Taking a huge gulp of his coffee, Chan burned his tongue and cursed under his breath. By the way his day was starting, he just wanted to go back to bed and pull the blanket over his head to hide from the world. He caught himself pouting at the screen in front of him and frowned that his little side was rising to the surface now out of all times. If he slipped, he’d get even less work done, so he really needed another sip of coffee, no matter how hot it was. His little self despised anything that tasted remotely bitter and considering how strong the Aussie had brewed his coffee this morning, bitter wasn’t even strong enough of a word to describe the taste. The bitterness on his tongue instantly brought his focus back and he continued to work somewhat focused for almost thirty minutes till Seungmin shuffled into the kitchen. The vocalist was a morning person and needing the least time to wake up and get out of bed, he often ended up making breakfast for his friends. With his headphones on, Chan hadn’t even heard him come in but as though he was able to feel his presence, he instantly got distracted. Looking up, he removed one of his headphones and grumbled: “The company building is out of power, so if you want, you can go back to bed.”

Seungmin had other plans though. Since they didn’t have to hurry to get to the company in time, they could have a bigger breakfast and he was awake anyway, so why not make pancakes for everyone. Chan wanted to rip out his hair as soon as the clanging of pots started behind him. His focus was gone but where could he go? He could hear Seungmin’s cooking in the living room too but all the bedrooms were still occupied. Putting his headphones fully back on, the leader tried to drown out the noise but like earlier, the presence itself was enough to distract him. He felt like crying and couldn’t tell whether the exhaustion was making him emotional or whether his little side was coming out, either way, coffee would help. Taking another gulp of the slowly cooling drink, he picked up his laptop and went to the bathroom. The Aussie closed the door behind him and sat down on the closed toilet lid with his laptop on his lap. It wasn’t the most comfortable position to work in but it was quiet and he was alone, which was exactly what he needed right now. Looking around deep in thought as he was searching for the right word that would fit the flow of their lyrics, his eyes landed on his rubber duck, that sat on the edge of the bathtub. He cursed himself for leaving his coffee on the dining table and quickly shoved the bath toy into a random drawer, not caring where it went as long as it was out of his sight.

Chan almost fell off the toilet in shock when the door suddenly opened. He didn’t know why he was so surprised because it had been only a matter of time till someone would have to use the bathroom. “Hyung?”, Hyunjin asked confused. The leader took off his headphones and sighed: “The company building is out of power, so I tried to find a quiet place here.” He closed his laptop and left, continuing his search for a hiding place where he could hopefully get some of his work done. “Wait, hyung, why don’t you use our room? Seungmin and I are up already and Minho-hyung’s sleeping. He’s a heavy sleeper, so I don’t think he’d wake up”, the dancer offered. It actually seemed like a good idea. Maybe the distracting feeling of someone’s presence wouldn’t be as strong of that someone was asleep because living with seven other people, it would be quite difficult to find an unoccupied spot.

The Aussie quietly snuck into the bedroom, glancing at Minho who was indeed still deeply asleep. He set up his laptop on Seungmin’s desk, grateful that the younger was such a tidy person. He was lucky, Minho’s presence wasn’t distracting at all, he just needed to make sure not to accidentally look at the sleeping dancer. Minho was Chan’s caregiver whenever the leader slipped into his headspace and seeing him lay there so peacefully, the little in him just wanted to go and get some cuddles from his daddy. It looked so, so cozy over there but as long as he didn’t look, he’d be able to resist. Too bad that the song he was working on wasn’t working out the way he had thought it would. Something just sounded off, not right at all, but he didn’t know what he’d have to fix to make it sound right. Minho, who was just waking up, got the scare of his life when a frustrated Chan punched the closet standing next to the desk. As soon as his heart slowed down a bit, he got out of bed and spun the chair his hyung was sitting in around. He made it just in time to keep the leader from throwing his laptop across the room, something he’d surely regret. What he was doing was risky because he didn’t know how mad the older was and why he was mad in the first place. “Hey, what’s got you so work up that you need to resort to violence”, the dancer asked sternly, trying to hide how nervous he was about interrupting Chan when he had just punched something. The older looked up at him with a pout and whined: “Channie ish tiwed!” Immediately afterwards, the first tear spilled over and within a few seconds, he was full on sobbing.

Minho was taken aback but quickly pulled the little out of his chair and guided him to his unmade bed, where they sat down together. “It’s okay, ducky. You’ve been working so hard, I’d be confused if you weren’t tired”, he hummed, resting his back against the wall and pulling Chan against his chest. The leader only whimpered in response and buried his face in his sweater paws. He rarely got this worked up, so Minho was unsure about the best way of calming him down. Reaching behind him, the dancer grabbed the cat plushie he always kept on his bed and handed it to the little, who instantly clutched it to his chest. The caregiver smiled softly when he watched the other calm down a bit as soon as he held the plushie, carefully he whispered: “Channie, can you tell me how old you are?” The Aussie looked at him with teary eyes, lip quivering as he remained silent. “Aww, is my little ducky too little to talk?”, Minho cooed, cupping the little’s damp cheek and brushing his thumb under the other’s eye to brush away the tears. Chan only whined and slipped the cord of his hoodie between his lips, chewing on it. “Channie, do you want to tell daddy what made you so frustrated?”, he tried quietly, quite certain that he wouldn’t get a reply but he wanted to give the other a chance to get it off his chest. The leader responded with whines and some blabbering around the cord in his mouth. Although he didn’t understand a word, Minho nodded along understandingly and when the little grew quiet he gasped: “Really, I’m sorry, baby. Don’t think about it too much yeah?” Chan nodded and cuddled back into his caregiver’s chest.

They sat for a while till the little had calmed down and completely forgotten about work. With some struggle, Minho picked him up and carried him to the living room, where everyone else was gathered already as the two had taken quite some time. “What’s going on?”, Felix frowned, getting up from the couch, so that the older could sit down with Chan in his lap. The leader hid his face against his shoulder, feeling shy, so Minho ran his hand up and down the little’s back and sighed: “He finally slipped after putting it off due to work for who knows how long. I think he’s in babyspace, so if you could get me his stuff from your room?” The younger nodded, quickly searching for the box his hyung kept his little gear in. He placed the box on the coffee table but took one item out already. Chan owned a light-blue pacifier, a color that was calm and soothing to look at. “Hey, little one, do you want your paci?”, he cooed, holding the comfort item out to the other. The leader hesitantly lifted his head from Minho’s shoulder and looked at Felix, opening his mouth. The freckled boy giggled and placed the paci between the little’s lips.

Chan whined again and nuzzled his face against his daddy’s neck. “Ah, I forgot to mention, he’s exhausted and I’m going to put him down for a nap”, the caregiver chuckled, turning his face to press a soft kiss on the little’s cheek. He was just about to get up, when Seungmin stopped him: “I don’t think he had breakfast yet and judging by those eyebags, he’s going to be out cold till after lunch.” – “Right, hm, could you make him a bottle? Just hot milk with some honey. I can’t really put him down when he’s this little, other wise I’d do it myself”, the dancer pleaded. The younger nodded, smiling: “Sure, you don’t have to do this all by yourself. We want to help our leader too, you know?” Jeongin took the bottle from the box and handed it to Seungmin, adding: “You just go ahead, either to his or to your room and I’ll take this box and follow you, so you two can get settled.” Minho nodded gratefully and carried Chan to his room. Jeongin and Changbin followed him and while Jeongin placed the box down on the bed, Changbin collected Chan’s laptop. Him and Jisung could try and continue their work, so their hyung wouldn’t have as much work left when he’d come out of his headspace again. “There, you can get all comfy, ducky”, Minho whispered, placing Chan down on his bed. Jeongin was already rummaging through the box of little gear, checking if there was anything he could want to have with him for a nap. He found a little bird plush with a rattle in it but other than that, the other things were would have to wait till the little was better rested.

Minho sat down with his back against the headboard and settled Chan against his chest, remembering that he still had to feed him his bottle before he could take a nap. The little whined a bit, but was easily distracted by his rattle. The maknae shook it a few times before handing it to the Aussie who looked at it with wondering eyes. Jeongin then closed the blinds, leaving only small slits at the bottom to allow enough light in to see. Then he patted the little’s head and told him to have sweet dreams before leaving the two alone. Seungmin came in quietly, handing Minho the bottle and worrying: “Hyung, he already had coffee this morning and with how bad his insomnia gets, I’m not sure if he really can sleep right now.” – “Hm, usually his insomnia is much better when he’s little because he has less things on his mind and I don’t know if coffee is even affecting him anymore, considering his body must be used to it at this point. At least that’s what I hope because I have no idea what’s going to happen if he stays awake much longer”, the dancer hummed, raking his fingers through Chan’s hair. Seungmin nodded and left them alone, knowing the leader was shy about using his bottle when people were looking. Minho plucked the paci out of the little’s mouth, earning a disapproving whine, and quickly replacing it with the bottle after checking whether it had drinking temperature. The Aussie relaxed as he suckled his warm, sweet milk and played with the small rattle in his hands. His eyes started to droop shut towards the end but by the time the bottle was empty, he was awake again, whimpering as he just wanted to sleep off the headache that had been bugging him for a few days already. Minho placed a kiss on his forehead before cradling his head against his chest, sighing: “Aww ducky, you’re okay. Should daddy try to sing you to sleep?” The little nodded with a sad pout and closed his eyes, only focusing on his daddy’s voice and the fingers messing with his hair. Watching Chan’s breathing even out, the dancer mumbled sadly: “Get some rest, little one.”

[octinary]

2020 in Review

I got tagged by two very wonderful people (@round--robin and @tumbleweedtech - thanks for thinking of me!) to try this “5 favourite works you created in 2020″ thing, so here it goes! 

1. Him (E, 33k, CW: graphic depictions of violence, depression, self-harm, suicide attempt)

Summary:  In his time as a witcher, Geralt has killed just about everything that can be killed: monsters, beasts, constructs, men, even the undead can die again if you know the trick to it. Wraiths, he knows, are the lingering troubled spirits of people who died tragically, violently, unjustly and unavenged. Their unfair fate spawns in them a jealousy and hatred of everything living that quickly drives them mad and makes them dangerous and deadly, driven to torment those responsible for their plight. Usually he feels no more than a twinge of pity as he sends them off again with silver and fire, but then again usually they aren’t haunting him. Usually they aren’t Jaskier.  Geralt learns that Jaskier never made it off the mountain after the dragon hunt and, if that’s what it takes to appease the monster that now wears his face, neither will Geralt.

This is it.  The big one.  This is the one I am most proud of and also the most popular thing I’ve written this year by hits, by comments and by bookmarks.  I have definitely received the most lovely feedback regarding it, some of which had me almost tearing up.  It is also hands-down the story I felt most compelled to tell and that was most important to me that I told it well.  It’s also one of those things that reading it probably tells you way more about me than I am actually comfortable with...  It also has inspired two pieces of really amazing fanart by @pinkaxolotl85 and @gerrito! Check them out here and here!

2. Something Eternal (E, 6,666 words, CW: graphic depictions of violence, major character death)

Summary: Kaer Morhen has always been haunted. Before Salamandra plundered the paltry survivors of the earlier pogrom for forgotten reagents, before the pogrom, when the mob fanatically massacred the Wolf witchers out of blind hate, even before the witchers themselves strapped their children down to administer the mutagens that killed 7 out of every 10 so tortured, the bones of the long dead sea and the whisper of long stilled waves painted every corridor of the keep with their memories. It’s always been a place for dead things. It’s where, at the end of his long full life, Jaskier of Oxenfurt goes to die. It’s where the monster he brought with him is going to kill everyone he loves.

Hilariously, we go from my most popular fic to my least popular fic, but it’s still one I am very proud of.  It was written for the The Witcher Halloween Flash Fic Challenge (so in 48 hours from conception to finished product), but I think it turned out pretty good.  I would like to think that it is the tags, not the writing, that have been keeping people away.  It was also my first time writing horror (unless you could Him as horror, I guess), and I am unreasonably amused by finishing it at 6,666 words.

3. Save a Horse (E, 6.5k, CW: porn, pony play)

Summary: It was Eskel’s idea. It had to be really. The number of people who could seriously suggest to the two of them that Lambert pretend to be Geralt’s mount in a sexually submissive way, and then actually have that suggestion acted on, was exactly one. Lambert would have decked anyone else out of hand before even considering it, but Eskel? Eskel, who knew them both so well, who shared his own kinks with them playfully when they all fell into bed together, who seemed to want nothing more than for them all to enjoy each other? He at least owed it to Eskel to listen.

My first (and so far only) try at writing smut and I dove right into the deep end!  I am pretty proud of the characterizations in this one, even if it is porn.  Spoiler alert: it is about 2k of build-up and the smut is probably what a lot of people would consider pretty tame and just chock full of feelings.  My excuse for it is that the real kink was trust and understanding all along.  I had a few readers tell me that pony play isn’t really their thing and they still enjoyed it, so I think it worked out in the end.

4. Present Tense (T, 5.3k, CW: canon typical violence, unhealthy coping mechanisms, canon character death)

Summary:  After avenging Aiden’s death, Lambert was not particularly concerned with ensuring his own survival.  Luckily for everyone who still cared about the prickly bastard, his survival no longer seemed to be up to him.

Another fic from The Witcher Flash Fic Challenge!  Seriously, that challenge got me out of a number of writing funks this year and was very much a godsend.  I don’t know why in particular I like this one so much; it might just be some of the wordplay or imagery, but I think it sticks out as some of my better writing.

5. In Which Markus (Professional Highwayman) Gets Stabbed (T, 4.4k, CW: none that I can think of - it is very silly fluff)

Summary: Markus has a simple three step plan: 1. Watch the tournament at the Passiflora to see who wins the pot. 2. Get that person drunk. 3. Steal everything they have.  He is also about to have three problems: 1. Geralt 2. Yennefer 3. Jaskier

It was honestly a toss up between this and Lingua Franca (my first attempt at Witcher fanfic) as the last entry, but I think overall this one is a neater and more polished piece of writing.  It is 90% banter with a sweet ending.  It’s probably the funniest thing I’ve done and it was just so much fun to write and seemed to descend fully formed from the heavens merely using me as a conduit.  I think the whole thing took me maybe two hours to write, if that.  It was also my first foray into actually interacting with other people in the fandom, since it was inspired by another work (In which Artur (Apprentice Thief) quits his job by Volts) and I had to be brave and actually talk to another human being to make sure they were okay with me riffing off of their idea.

I tag @sternenstaub28 and @major-trouble!  What are you proud of making this year?  If you want to share, of course.  No pressure!

[dotthings]

So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities. 

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands. 

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts. 

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune. 

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once. 

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often. 

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet. 

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again. 

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t). 

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack. 

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first. 

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him. 

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me. 

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly. 

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way. 

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @burninghoneyatdusk​ (she/her) What are you working on right now? Right now I’m prioritizing prompts for the Bellarke Writers for BLM Initiative, which is a mix of new prompts and requests for WIP updates. I just posted a chapter update of my fic Voices in the Water, which is a canon-verse/everyone is a grounder arranged marriage AU with a bit of a twist, and next I’m working on a new prompt. After that, I’ve got three chapters of All Because of You  requested. All Because of You is a modern AU with bellarke as *platonic* coparents. The story is told in alternating flashbacks and present day (every other chapter). The flashbacks focus on them growing closer during Clarke’s unplanned pregnancy and the present is seven years later, where they have to come to terms with their feelings for each other when Clarke gets engaged to someone else.

What’s something you’d like to write one day? I would love to publish a novel one day. For years I had a YA dystopian/time travel trilogy kind of planned but I poked too many holes in it and want to start from scratch in that regard. Another novel I want to write is one that covers three generations of women, looking at mother-daughter relationships, women in society, generational trauma… a lot of stuff. It was inspired by learning about my grandmother’s life more and thinking about how it impacted her relationship with my mother, and in turn my mother’s relationship with me.

For fanfiction, beyond my current prompts and WIPs, I have two other fics outlined. One is an AU inspired by the movie Plus One. The other is a soulmate AU that’s a bit dark and involves immortality, magic, and essentially Bellamy as a villain with a redemption arc.

What is the fanwork you’re most proud of? I think All Because of You will probably remain my most popular, but right now I’m most proud of Voices in the Water. More so than my other fics, it has a more concise plot and I’ve done a deeper dive into Clarke’s character as an Azgeda assassin and I think the reader really gets into her head more than my other multiple POV fics. It’s also my first canonverse fic and I’ve enjoyed diving into that world and expanding upon it where I want.

When did you first start writing fic? I didn’t start writing fic until the beginning of 2019. I first published in February 2019, which was Homesick (It’s a Bittersweet Feeling). It was my first fic and the only multichapter WIP that’s complete right now, so it’s a special story for me.

What frustrates you most about fic writing? I’ve mostly had only a positive experience with fanfic writing. With the exception of a couple stray comments, my readers have been gracious, kind, and most importantly, patient. But I guess it can be challenging when you self-impose pressure because you’re aware that people are waiting for you to publish so sometimes I rush things. I haven’t personally experienced this, but I think that fic writing can also be frustrating when readers feel like you owe them something or unnecessarily offer negative comments that aren’t at all constructive. Some people forget that people are publishing stories for free, in their spare time, often in addition to full-time jobs or school and parenting.

What are your top five songs right now? 1. castles (freya ridings) 2. maniac (conan gray) 3. fired up (grace carter) 4. I am not afraid (g flip) 5. wanna be (betty who)

What are your inspirations? (books, songs, other fic) I take inspiration from all of those things but I would say mostly quotes and random photos on tumblr. I wrote Homesick because I liked the step-siblings/forbidden trope and wanted to write in a small town setting like the one I grew up in. All Because of You was honestly the classic “this is my bedtime daydream story I think about every night” so it’s pretty self-indulgent with the tropes I wanted to use. Voices in the Water was started because I loved the grounder!Bellamy / arranged marriage trope. The wanheda twist came from me reading the 4x11 script to screen with Clarke trying to force herself to shoot Bellamy to save humanity, but realizing that she can’t.

What first attracted you to Bellarke? What attracts you now? I’m not sure I remember a specific moment but I think I remember bellarke being all over my tumblr dash when I started s2 so kind of paying close attention to them during s2. s2 was of course a great season for them and by the ‘knocking on heaven’s door’ scene in 2x16 I was a goner.

Regarding what drew me to them, I think I’ve always loved a good slow burn with the partners/”I’ve got your back” vibe that they have. My first (and biggest) OTP before them was tony & ziva from NCIS which is a really similar vibe although a very different show.

Besides Bellarke, what character or pairing do you like best on t100? I think that Memori is probably my second place ship. Before s7, I would say there was a HUGE gap between my love of Bellarke and Memori, but this season has made me an even bigger Memori fan. I have to say that while I don’t think there was ever a chance of Murven happening, I do understand why people ship it. I think they have great chemistry/a great dynamic and in another life, so to speak, I would have shipped them. 

Regarding characters on their own, I just love all my delinquents, but I think that Murphy is solidly my third favorite character. Raven and Octavia are probably tied behind him.

Why did you decide to start bellarkefic-for-blm? I credit the reason to Kara ( @queenemori ). (Sidenote: everyone go follow her! She’s an amazing fanfic writer and overall just a really positive, awesome person to have in the fandom). I remember reading her post  - and I won’t try to paraphrase, so please take the time to read her it - but in general it got me thinking about how we as a fandom could support the BLM movement in a substantial way that is more than just spreading posts on social media, and in a way that doesn’t lose momentum as time goes on and the movement becomes less “trendy.” I thought about how many people collectively read our fanfiction and how we provide it for free, and if people could just pay a few dollars or however much they can afford and donate that to the cause, we collectively could make a huge difference. So that’s what I’m hoping this is - making a substantial difference in a way that doesn’t fade in time and also uses the power of fandom in a useful way. We have a lot of power if we collectively put it towards something like this instead of fighting over ships or actors or whatnot. I also figured that maybe we’d have readers who weren’t paying attention to the movement and that maybe because they want to submit a prompt, they’d do some research on where to donate, and that in turn helps educate them on the issue - or is at least a start.

Has it been as successful as you’d hoped? So on the positive side, I do think it’s incredible that in about six weeks we’ve raised nearly $1250 and have been able to donate to a variety of organizations. I’m incredibly grateful for the authors donating their time and the enthusiastic readers participating. I don’t mean to sound negative at all, but if I’m being honest, I do feel a little frustration at the lack of participation across the fandom as a whole or maybe more specifically across the AO3 readers. I know that my WIP chapters average about 1k hits per update. That’s a lot of people. Even if you cut that in half because maybe people are rereading, that’s still 500 people. So why are only about 20 of my readers donating to this initiative? I think it’s a bit discouraging when you look at the percentage in that way. 

That’s not to say that I don’t understand that some aren’t financially in a position to donate, but I’ve made it clear that there are other ways to contribute (e.g. signing petitions, writing to politicians) and there hasn’t been traction with that either. So I think that in general, something is always better than nothing and it has in no way discouraged me from continuing this. But I’m hoping that more people are able to participate as time goes on. It’s truly a win-win situation of generating more fanfics for readers and donating to an important issue, so I hope to see the percentage of fanfiction readers submitting prompts increase and am doing what I can to continue spreading the word about it. 

I guess in summary what I’m saying is, I’m proud of what the fandom has done so far, but let’s step it up. We can do more, we can do better. Maybe people will get pissed I said that, but idk. If you read fic and can buy a $3 coffee, you can donate to this cause. It’s important. As was Kara’s point, let’s not see this momentum fade when the BLM movement becomes less ~trendy~.

What are some things you’d like to recommend? Instead of writing an essay about all the fics I love, I’d like to link both my bookmarked fics which is my complete list of bellarke fic recs.

I also want to recommend visiting the Bellarke Writers for BLM Initiative writers’ page - these writers are incredible so please go check out their existing works and continue requesting prompts for the BLM movement!

On the note of BLM, I'd also like to link this article. It's older, written in the aftermath of the Charleston attack, but it remains one of the most thought provoking pieces I've read on race in our country.

it was my honor to interview burninghoneyatdusk! honestly, if you aren’t reading Voices in the Water, which is Bellarke except Clarke is an assassin, you should be. it haunts me. she also organized the very cool bellarkefic-for-blm. 

[anotherkindofmindpod]

Thanks for such a well-researched and well-argued series! It still stuns me how defensive and angry people get about Yoko’s claims about John’s feelings for Paul. I wonder: if Paul had died prematurely and Linda publicly claimed that Paul believed everyone was bisexual, “didn’t mind” attractive men, wanted to have sex with men (but never found the right guy) and contemplated an affair with John…. Would people be pushing back this hard? I suspect jean jackets would run amok with that info!

Well, we agree.

The thing is that no matter how overexposed the Beatles’ lives have been over the years, there is still plenty we don’t know about John and Paul.  But we do know that the standard story of their relationship and its fallout contains numerous plot holes.  Essentially we are striving to get to the emotional core of their relationship and understand the events that occurred between them.  Granted, it’s very hard to be objective about these topics and I think we all end up relying on our perceptions of John & Paul’s individual personas -along with our own particular life experience- to make sense of their behaviors.  But when we get down to it, we don’t know these people.  Memoirs notwithstanding, the vast majority of authors don’t know them either (Barry Miles being an exception).  Still, we rely on books to feed us a comprehensible narrative.  Yet once you realize that Beatles biographers can’t really be trusted to be objective and are often working from rehashed information and outdated stereotypes, it gets very difficult to suss out the truth.

If we treat the study of the Beatles’ disintegration with the seriousness we would afford, say, a basic civil lawsuit, it should go without saying that all credible evidence should be considered.  We have argued repeatedly that the information provided by Yoko in the past 15 years (regarding John’s sexuality and feelings for Paul) is important and should inform the way we interpret the events of the break-up (and HDYS, for example).  This is as close to a “break in the case” as we have gotten in 50 years and yet the mainstream authorship (and most of the fandom by default) is still unwilling to redress and reassess the Old Story or reconsider things we’ve collectively taken for granted for 50 years. Not to sound whiny, but it is very frustrating to hit this wall over and over and over again.

We understand that reconsidering new evidence is challenging and that people can be extremely resistant to abandoning ideas they cherish or have an emotional attachment to.  We at AKOM certainly aren’t immune to having strong emotions about the Beatles, which is why we are constantly checking ourselves (and each other) and why we mandate that we consider every voice in the Beatles/McCartney/Lennon universe, not just the ones we like.  Furthermore, we believe it is never wise to hold too tightly to any particular theory and important to remain receptive to new information as it comes to light.   We also believe the glut of wishful thinking demonstrated by everyone in Beatles world (fandom, authorship) is harmful to discourse. 

But in terms of Yoko’s comments, let’s just pressure-test it for a moment. What exactly is unbelievable about it?  

Is it plausible that John was bisexual? Yes. Is it plausible he never fully acted upon his sexual attraction to men? Yes. Is it plausible that he never acted upon it because he had an ideal version of a boyfriend/partner, one that was not just attractive but “mentally advanced?”  Yes. Is it plausible that John contemplated an affair with Paul? Yes. Is it plausible that there was “something there, from John’s side, not Paul’s,” either in Yoko’s perception or John’s perception or reality?  Yes, yes and yes.

Is it plausible that this is what John is “so angry” about? Yes.

We can’t “prove” these claims provided by Yoko, but we have no cause to dismiss them.  So we should pursue them.

What would Yoko gain from revealing this info?  Nothing. It does her no favors to suggest John had deep, sexual and/or potentially romantic feelings for Paul.  

Did she regret letting the cat out of the bag?  Perhaps, as she tried to scare Norman with a team of lawyers (but ultimately had no legal grounds to recant).

Is it consistent with how Yoko behaved toward Paul since 1968?  Yes, she became suspicious about John & Paul two weeks after she and John started dating and we have evidence she worked to keep them apart on several occasions throughout the 70s (and eavesdropped on at least one phone call).

Does this information make sense of John’s confounding behavior towards Paul? Potentially, yes.  This is what we’re exploring in our series.

We never want to oversimplify things.  We’re not suggesting that John’s behavior was motivated solely by romantic rejection or that John didn’t have mixed feelings for Paul (evidence shows he very much did, at least post break-up).  We just think that maybe a part of John fell for Paul and hated himself for it - not just for homophobic reasons, but for competitive reasons too - and that he ultimately took that anger and embarrassment out on Paul.  

Feeling rejected is rough for everyone, but John’s sense of self was so closely tied to Paul’s validation and love.  We suspect the notion that John cared more or wanted more would be something that would eat away at him for a long, long time (regardless of critical acclaim or being awarded the Coolest Guy in Rock trophy).  Perhaps years.  Perhaps always.  And perhaps it would make him forever bitter about Paul in a way that cannot be explained by Paul’s “bossiness” or “granny music.” Anyway, this got ridiculously long but thank you for the ask!  And thank you for listening.  :) -The AKOM crew For the record, we always welcome different POVs, ideas and constructive criticism.  We do not respond to trolls.  🙂

[moonyinchaos]

no problem and i would really love to see what you wrote about snape so if its not a problem share

Alright, I’ll put the Keep reading thingy, because I think this will be a long one. If you’re not interested in my opinion on Snape, please, keep scrolling. We can have a constructive argument about Snape as a character, but I won’t ever tolerate character bashing (with the exception of Dolores Umbridge, Peter Pettigrew and Fenrir Greyback). If anyone disagrees with me, I respect that, and I would really like to know why :) 

It’s so funny to write my opinion when someone actually asks for it! So here it is my opinion on Severus Snape... 

I think that Severus Snape is one of the strongest characters; both mentally and magically. Possibly even the strongest one right next to Harry. He is really determined, devoted, self-controlled, but most importantly he is emotional. Of course, he doesn’t show it, but he is really driven by his emotions. The main thing which made him change was his love for Lily. Love is the purest emotion, and I don’t think it was an obsession. His patronus was the same as her, she was something what made him happy, something that protected him. It was just unrequited love, and that happens in real life. But you can’t just push an off button, and stop feeling something for someone. We can see him showing exactly how he feels in some occasions. For instance, when he was mad that Sirius got away at the end of the PoA. Or when he refused to teach Harry occlumency after Harry saw his worst memory. But let’s go back in time for a bit... 

Judging someone according to something they did while they were teenagers, or really young adults is not really fair. But let’s start from his hostility towards the Marauders. It’s completely understandable since they were mocking him all the time, and without any real, valid reason. Even if they did have a reason, bullying is never justified. What James did to Snape in his worst memory is something that can make a serious trauma on a person. He, again, acted on emotions. He was humiliated, frustrated, angry, and he let it out by calling Lily a Mudblood. Was that right? Of course not. Did he regret? I think he did, until the day he died. But, teenagers say a lot of dumb stuff, and should never be judged by that. I would most gladly slap 16 years old self because of some things I said when angry and emotional. And with what he said, he lost the most important person he had in his life. I think that was the worst punishment ever for saying one dumb word. People often mention his invention of Sectumsempra. He invented the powerful spell to keep himself safe. Is it brutal? Yes. Could he kill someone with it? Yes. Did he ever? No by what we find out from the canon. Sirius, who is one of the most loved characters, endangered Snape’ life because of his teenage rashness, and lack of sense for consequences. The fact he literally sent Snape to transformed Remus was more dangerous than any spell Severus invented. Why? Because transformed Remus can’t be controlled, and what he can do cannot be undone. As we saw clearly, Sectumsempra has a counter curse, since Malfoy survived Harry’s experiment. If you’re judging Snape for inventing Sectumsempra, and using it against the Death Eaters to save Remus and George, then Harry is way worse than Snape because Harry used the spell purposely to hurt Malfoy. He could easily kill Malfoy, and then what? All the characters in the whole HP universe did at least one stupid thing, and we can’t judge them just because of that. Because if we do, write out Remus, Sirius, James, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, and many, many others as good characters :)

As we all know, Snape joined the Death Eaters. Kind of expected because, let’s be serious, most of the then Slytherin house did. Peer pressure is a nasty thing + Snape wanted control/power. He was naive to think he’ll get it from Voldemort, but look at all the people that followed Voldemort. Snape was among the smartest there, if not even the smartest one. Was that a mistake? Yes. And again, he did it when he was what 18? As I said before, people do stupid shit when young, and that’s a fact. Alright, he did really, really stupid shit, but it was a moment of naivety. If someone is judging him plainly on that, remember what Sirius said about the world, people and the Death Eaters :) From the moment he realised what he did when he told Voldemort about the prophecy, Snape did everything in his power to make up for that. He risked his life in various occasions, he lied to one of the most powerful wizards ever, who can read minds, torture, and kill people just for fun. But he did that for years. Snape always did exactly what Dumbledore told him to do, and even killed him, knowing that the deed will make him an enemy number one in the eyes of the Order. But he did that with a higher purpose, and on Dumbledore’s order. If Order wasn’t so judgy towards Snape, maybe they would know about this plan, and they would handle it better. Snape was a Death Eater for what, a couple of years, but he spent seventeen years trying to redeem himself for what he’s done. You can at least respect that. As my best Skyrim friend Paarthurnax wisely said “What is better? To be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?” :)

The only thing I can’t justify is his teaching methods towards a particular group of students. We never see Snape teaching a bunch of Hufflepuffs or Ravenclaws, so we don’t really know what was he like in those classes. He is a mastermind with potions, and has a potential to be a great teacher. I don’t justify his behaviour towards Harry & co., and never will. His teaching methods were questionable at best, but lets take a look on who he “bullied” as a teacher. 

Harry - son of a man who bullied him, and a woman he loved. The Chosen One. The Boy Who Lived. It occurred to me that maybe Snape didn’t want Harry to forget what was important in life, and since Snape grew stronger from being treated poorly, maybe he wanted to do the same effect with Harry. I think he didn’t like Harry in particular, but I don’t see him as having bad intentions in long term. Nothing comes served in life, and I guess that was Snape’s point. Teen James was pretty spoiled, and vain, so maybe Snape didn’t want Harry to turn into teen James. 

Ron - Ron was to Harry what Sirius was to James. In Snape’s eyes, the same thing, and he deserves to be treated the same. Still, can’t be justified. 

Hermione - I guess she really did remind him of Lily. The fact that Snape didn’t want to hear anyone call Hermione a Mudblood tells us all. Emotions got the best out of Snape in this one, since he obviously couldn’t really control them. 

Neville - a soft kid who needed some strengthening for real. Well, not really in that way. Snape’s treatment was just too much. Was the fact that Neville was terrified of him good? No. But Neville got stronger, and learned to stand up for himself. And don’t forget, the prophecy could easily be about Neville, and if it was, then Lily wouldn’t be dead. 

As I said before, I don’t support his teaching methods, and can’t justify them because it was his choice to act like that, when he could easily be someone better than that. And that is the only thing I don’t understand about him. Maybe Dumbledore told him to be nasty :’D And of course he was biased to Slytherin. I think that doesn’t need any arguments. I would love to see what Snape was like when teaching young Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs because I’m sure he wasn’t that bad. Strict? Sure. Snarky? Always. But I highly doubt he treated Cedric, or Padma Patil, like he treated the students I mentioned. 

To conclude this, I think the anti-Snape fandom need to at least respect what he did because the man did some great things, and he was one of the main links in a chain that led to Voldemort’s downfall. Voldemort who was deceived by Snape. And as far as we know, Severus Snape is the only person in this world who did that long term (kudos to Narcissa Malfoy for lying to Voldemort’s face)! You don’t have to love, or like him, but he doesn’t deserve the bashing he gets. He deserves respect. I made him close to Gwen, my OC, to show the softer side of Snape. The emotions he hides, and how he is surely capable of them. I made him mentoring Gwen to show how he has a potential to be a great teacher. And I have a great plans for Snape in my fic because he, as a character, really gives an opportunity to make an interesting story :) 

[nymsonlinecottage]

51?

51. Rant or gush about one thing you love or hate about fanfiction. Go!

(woop, imma need to plug my phone in for this one, cus this could take a while-)

Ok,,, I hate how cringe culture has become such a big part of the fanfiction community. Like, we use to just be able to write whatever, and have that self-insert, and share that fic where you are Y/N without judgment, but now that's looked down upon? Since when?? Look, we all want to be a part of this world, don't lie, and don't be mad that someone took their creative liberties to add a place for themselves in the story.

Obviously, sometimes (more often then not, depending on the fandom,) those fics were problematic, but the concept of self-inserts isn't.

And people forget that fanfiction is a form of self-care for some people. Writing self-indulgent fics is honestly one of the best ways to wind down. And this isn't only about self-inserts, it's also for any kind of fic that's looked down upon just because it's thought of as "cringey." Like, when people add it OCs, or when they write cliches, or even some popular AUs are starting to be seen as cringey.

It's so fucking stupid! What do y'all think fanfiction is?? Is it not supposed to be a safe space for people to go and write whatever the hell they want??? Cus apparently I didn't get the memo.

Especially in big fandoms, writing fanfiction is almost exclusive because you aren't going to get any support unless you can top the actual canon writing of the media you're consuming. One of the most liberating feelings for me was just writing my fic. I was a dumb 11 year old and the fic sucked, but it was so fun! I got to express myself and share my ideas with others! But then the fandom I was in started growing and I couldn't keep up. I couldn't continue updating and developing my skills as fast as people were pressuring me to. People were constantly pointing out flaws in my writing. I didn't even notice how bad it was because they always worded it to be constructive criticism. Advice is great, don't get me wrong, but I didn't ask for it and they weren't qualified to give it at all. Every day my fic- my crappy little fluff without a plot fic- was being compared to others who had original plots, 87 chapters, 75k words, heart wrenching dialogue, like, yes, those fics are great, but you can't expect me to write like that as well. At the time, I was only 12 years old, but I was told to write better because my books were "cringey."

And there are so many other things that have kept fanfiction from being the safe space it can be, like racism, homophobia, sexism, incest, pedophilia, and we know these problems exist. They've been pointed out time and time again, but I barely see anyone trying to change anything. This sucks. Fanfiction could be such a great place, but so many times it isn't because of all these issues!

So, basically,

FUCK CRINGE CULTURE, FUCK RACISM, FUCK HOMOPHOBIA, FUCK SEXISM, INCEST SHIPPERS, AND PEDOPHILIA, AND LET FANFICTION BE THE SAFE SPACE IT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE

[inmytaste-blog]

Señorita

Word Count: 3.2k

Warnings: A very encouraging Shawn and a self-confidence under construction

A/N: Another fullfilled request which made it into my askbox just today! I didn’t want to delay it and fall behind since Shawn released his new song just yesterday. This was very pleasing to write and I really liked the way it turned out. I hope I made that anon’s request justice and I truly hope it lived up to their expectations! Once again, feedback is very much appreciated and I would like to hear your thoughts on this piece! Till next time, happy reading!

__________________________________________________________

‘’Are you serious? A new song along with a new music video? Shawny you are treating your fandom so well lately, I’m impressed’’ you said, placing your arms around his neck and giving him a slight peck on his cheek, pleased with the news.

‘’Aye, does my fandom include you as well?’’ he said lowering his much larger figure in order to capture your lips in a proper kiss.

‘’I don’t think I want to disappoint you now that you have a lot on your plate babe’’ you jokingly stated and freed yourself from his tight grip, heading towards the kitchen.

‘’I think this answer pained me more… Nevertheless, I know you are the craziest fan there is no matter what you say’’.

Hearing Shawn’s words, you realized that he was more than right. You were indeed his number one fan and you always fangirled hard when something new was on its way concerning his career. So when Shawn announced to you that he would be working on a new song, you were on cloud nine. Someone would say that you were more thrilled when Shawn had a new project to deliver than himself and they wouldn’t be exaggerating. You knew something was coming up due to endless phone conversations and meetings between Shawn and Andrew so when the bomb exploded you exploded too.

‘’Whatever you say Mendes’’ you slyly replied and plopped down on your couch.

‘’So tell me more about this song. What is the concept behind it? Will you be singing alone or will it be a duet? When will you start shooting and rehearsing? Why are you so secretive?’’

‘’First of all, you are bombarding me with questions love. How can I answer all at once? Secondly, I can’t reveal anything else yet. Telling you was risky as it is so you will get no more information for today. Sorry.’’ Shawn explained and your face fell.

You weren’t really urging him to tell you everything because you knew that this industry works with a little bit of secrecy as well but you couldn’t deny the fact that you were disappointed that you wouldn’t be getting any more insights and details concerning his newest work. At this point, you wished he hadn’t shared anything related to this new song whatsoever because now you wanted to know everything there was to know.

‘’Fair enough. Guess who’s not getting any love from me today’’ you half-jokingly said and moved further away from Shawn to the other end of the couch.

‘’C’mon Y/N don’t be such a baby. Everything will be announced to you when it is the right time for it to be’’ Shawn argued and proceeded to hug you.

You slightly pushed him off but eventually gave in to his touch because deep down, you knew he was right. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t go into more depth about his work and it surely wasn’t fair for you to know everything beforehand while all his other fans around the world were kept in the dark. Besides, what’s the fun in knowing everything and having no suspense in your life?

That was something Shawn really adored and appreciated on you. It always made him feel safe and relaxed and it surely helped him more when he was ready to perform, shoot or record a new piece. His job was already pressuring enough and sometimes it got to the point that he would even call it suffocating. Having someone who was genuinely understanding and encouraging was a true bargain for him since he really wanted to leave his work back in the studio and be met with relaxation and relief when he got home.

And you offered him just that. You knew what you were signing up for when you agreed to date Shawn so you promised more to yourself to be the best version of you just for his own sake. You were more interested in his well-being than anything else especially when you found out all the story concerning his battles with anxiety in the past. You truly believed he was a person that deserved all the best in the world and you were more than honoured when Shawn chose you to be his companion; his rock who would give him all the best.

There were of course times when you would cross the line and you would be pleading for him to share something more when he was preparing something new but you knew when to stop. Shawn knew as well that you were firstly a fan and secondly a girlfriend when it came to his music and he was really thankful to have someone so supportive and so caring. But when he declared that he was in no position to share anything else, it was your signal to accept it and stop questioning further.

‘’Okay okay. I understand. But tell me at least this; will you be singing on your own or with other people as well?’’ you asked, aiming your puppy eyes at him, a feature you knew very well he couldn’t resist.

‘’Ugh, you are playing dirty Y/N, giving me this look which gets me everytime’’

‘’Please?’’ you pressed a little more.

‘’Okay, it will be a duet but this is all I have for you. Now, what movie does my number one fan want to watch with her superstar?’’

Truth was Shawn wanted nothing more than to stop playing games and just confess to you everything he knew so far about his new music video and song. It physically ached him to withdraw information from you, especially when you were being nothing but patient and enthusiastic with his hectic lifestyle. The only thing which was keeping him behind was the fact that he had arranged to sing and shoot with you. You were nothing close to famous or artistic, besides the very well-organised blog you were maintaining dedicated to your talented boyfriend, but other than that you had no contracts or business with the music industry.

However, Shawn wasn’t on the same page with you on this matter. He had heard you singing when you had first started dating and he was mesmerized by your voice. It combined a sweetness and a raspier metal which had driven him insane. He still remembered that moment up to this day and he never hesitated to ask you to join him when he was singing in his studio, even if it was for fun. The most outstanding thing of all was a file in your computer which consisted of some covers you had attempted when you first discovered Shawn’s music. Shawn really wanted to listen to them but you only agreed when you were official and you trusted him completely.

When his ears were met with the sound of your melodic voice, he felt like someone had casted a spell on him. The words of In My Blood acquired a completely new, a more profound meaning when they left your lips and they were interlaced with your unique sounds. He couldn’t help himself but transfer all the covers you had saved in that file to his phone without any second thoughts.

From that time on, he always made sure to raise the levels of confidence you had about your singing skills which to be frank, were the lowest they could be. It really puzzled and it even saddened him to know that his girl was so talented but she couldn’t appreciate her skills more. So the least he could do was ask you to sing or at least hum something when he was falling asleep or to accompany you in your private shower concerts. He was a sucker for your singing and you still laughed about it when he would praise you. But this never stopped him from getting the most he could of your beautiful voice.

Now Shawn tried to take things up a notch. He hated to know that your talent was not getting the recognition and the appreciation it deserved so when Andrew came up to him with a new suggestion for a song and a music video, Shawn realised this was the opportunity he was seeking.

‘’So, I was thinking that after the success of If I Can’t Have You, the fire’s still at your feet and another release will really keep the fans at the edge of their seats. What do you say?’’

‘’Y-Yes yes. Are you serious? Now that my tour is on, I have inexhaustible energy. Tell me all about it’’. Shawn wanted nothing more than to keep his portfolio full and this new song was the perfect chance for him to introduce you to the world of professional singing.

‘’Okay. My first thoughts have to do with the artists you will be singing with. I’m really rooting for a duet but if you want to include more artists, it’s up to you mate. What are your thoughts so far?’’ Andrew proceeded with the details and Shawn was more than ready to spill your name.

‘’Okay. I don’t know if you will see eye to eye with me about this and I can already tell you will be taken aback but my suggestion is Y/N’’. There was no turning back now. The only thing he could do was pray that Andrew would agree for you to do a duet with Shawn.

‘’Y/N? As in your girlfriend Y/N? Shawn are you sure? I mean I have no evidence that she can sing. Plus we don’t have much time to call her in and arrange a sound check with her’’

‘’I don’t think that will be necessary’’ said Shawn and he was quick enough to pull his phone out and let the room be filled with your version of Lost In Japan.

‘’You are a smooth motherfucker. I am waiting both of you next time for the rehearsal’’.

Shawn hadn’t really filled you in on what was going on so when he told you that you would be going with him to the studio you were a bit bewildered.

‘’And why do I have to come as well? Can’t you see that I am all comfortable watching Friends?’’ you matter-of-factly stated and Shawn dragged you from the couch.

‘’It is a surprise. Now get your bum up and go get ready. We are leaving in five’’.

‘’Okay okay sir’. But you’re buying me ice cream later’’ you pointed your finger at him and he chuckled.

‘’I sure am’’.

Shawn felt a little bit guilty that he hadn’t been completely honest to you about his duet but he knew that if he had spilled the beans and asked about your consent, you would be negative. Heck, he didn’t even have a clue what your reaction was going to be now but he decided to take his chances and risk it. He really needed to get you out of your cocoon and show you what you were really capable of, something you always kept your eyes closed to.

‘’Hello Andrew. It’s been a while. How are you?’’ you inquired when you reached the correct floor and Andrew hugged both you and Shawn.

‘’Shawn’s been a pain in the ass but I manage. How are you feeling sweetheart? Are you ready for your first?’’

‘’Um excuse me? What first?’’ you turned your glance at Shawn who was picking at his nails and was looking nervously at Andrew.

‘’Shawn dude, didn’t you tell her anything?’’

‘’I wanted it to be a surprise! Don’t blame me!’’ Shawn put his hands up and looked at you.

‘’Anyone care to explain?’’ you hated being excluded from what was happening so you were growing more aggravated by the minute.

‘’Y/N, dear, Shawn has brought you here to work on his new song called Señorita. You will be his duet for this song and for the video of course’’ Andrew explained and your jaws were on the floor. Shawn very well knew you were in no place to share your singing with the whole world and he still went and got you into this.

‘’Shawn what is he saying? What did you do?’’ you turned your attention to him and he cupped your face.

‘’I know you are going to pull the ‘’I can’t be exposed to basically the whole planet and my singing is not even that good’’ card but please hear me out. When I first listened to your voice I was amazed. You remember my first reaction. I instantly felt like an apprentice in singing in front of you. During those two years we’ve been together, I am more than pleased to see that I am the reason for the growth of your confidence when it comes to singing. Y/n please consider singing with me. Your talent deserves to be exposed and applauded’’ Shawn concluded and your vision had gotten blurry because of his speech.

‘’But-but how does Andrew know that I can sing? How does he know that this isn’t gonna be a flop?’’

‘’Um I know believe me’’ Andrew chimed in and just on cue, Shawn wiggled his phone between his fingers.

‘’You shady bastard’’ you smacked Shawn’s arm and he playfully acted as if he was hurt.

‘’So, what do you say baby? Will you be my Señorita in this song?’’

You still felt a little bit out of place and your guts were telling you that you would surely mess this up but the look Shawn was giving you and the feeling that he would be right beside you the whole time, boosted your courage and your confidence. Not really trusting your words at this point, you gave Shawn a shy nod and you swore that his eyes were like small stars radiating their glow.

‘’Is that a yes? Y/N baby you will not regret this I promise you’’ Shawn hugged you and lifted you up in the air before giving you a reassuring smile.

‘’Thank God. I don’t think I would be able to get someone else if she turned this down’’ Andrew remarked and you both fell in a fit of laughter.

‘’Okay. Get your sheets with the lyrics, get in there and blow me away’’.

Getting into the recording space, you felt your palms getting damp and your head slightly dizzy. Shawn must have felt your uneasiness and he placed the microphones opposite of one another, so that the only thing in front of you was Shawn and no one else. This little gesture put your nerves at bay and with a final confirmation, Shawn signaled for Andrew to start recording.

Throughout the song, your eyes were focused on the piece of paper which contained the words that came out of your mouths. You didn’t dare take a glimpse of Andrew, fearing that if you saw his disappointment you would collapse and this whole procedure would be wasted. Surely, this was the last thing you wanted, the first one being to please Shawn and not to embarrass him. He trusted you enough to get Andrew to agree and have you here singing so you just couldn’t betray his trust.

Reaching the main chorus, your eyes travelled to Shawn who was giving his all during the song and it dawned on you that it was the first time in a while that you were seeing him recording a song. Only this time, you were a part of it too. Shawn’s eyes fell on yours and the smile he gave you was enough to let you know that you were doing a pretty decent job for a first time. You knew that the song was going to be a bop nonetheless and being with Shawn in the act, really made you understand why all of his songs always made it at the top of the charts.

‘’ I love it when you call me Señorita

I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya

But every touch is ooh la la la

It’s true la la la

Ooh I should be running

Ooh you know I love it

When you call me Señorita

I wish it wasn’t so damn hard to leave ya

Ooh I should be running

Ooh you keep me coming for ya’’

Shawn really adored the way the song was turning out. When he had first scanned the lyrics, the only person he could picture himself singing it with was you. The thing that he felt most freaked out about was that you both had first started seeing each other as friends before this fling between you two had developed. So, at least for Shawn, this song was once again speaking to him on another level. He felt really connected with it and now that he was singing with you, it made him feel even more connected to you as well. It would be a thing that would always remind you of what you are capable of when you are together and how the one makes the other discover something fresh for themselves.

Andrew was dumbfounded when you both started singing together and he was positive this was going to be another success for Shawn. He felt really relieved that you had decided to give this a go since the music industry was a department that was always in need of fresh blood and upcoming artists who had a flash of talent. Besides, the chemistry you had with Shawn was authentic and rare so the need to construct something similar with someone else was totally unnecessary.

‘’All along I’ve been coming for ya

And I hope it meant something to ya

Call my name I’ll be coming for ya

Coming for ya, coming for ya, coming for ya

For ya

(Ooh she loves it when I come)

For ya

Ooh I should be running

Ooh you keep me coming

For ya"

The song came to an end and if it wasn’t for the air conditioning unit in the small room, you would be a sweating mess. The look you exchanged with Shawn while the last words of the song were being spoken, really showed you how much Shawn loved you and that he truly believed you deserved to be loved by other people for your immense talented soul.

‘’And it’s a wrap. Guys…’’ Andrew started and you closed your eyes, not really wanting to be confronted or let down by his next words.

‘’You were fucking bomb. This is gonna be the song of the century. Well done. And Shawn, thanks for persuading our little star here to work with us’’ he said giving you a high-five.

Hearing Andrew’s words lifted all the weight off of your shoulders and you felt ten times lighter. Never in your wildest dreams had you imagined working with Shawn in a professional and official manner but here you were, blowing both of the boys away with your singing.

‘’Wow. That was-‘’ you didn’t let Shawn finish his sentence and you connected his lips with your very own in a passionate kiss.

‘’Thank you. For this amazing experience and for believing in me when I just didn’t’’ you truthfully said to him and his arms tightened around your shorter frame.

‘’I thank you for bringing out the rest of the passion I have for this job. You see, singing with you makes me feel things. And now that it happened for a much larger audience, it made me the happiest man alive’’.

Just before you could say or do anything else Andrew’s voice echoed through the walls, making you both jump.

‘’Don’t rest on your laurels kiddos. We still have a music video to shoot!’’

[fyexo]

191016 Breaking Down the SuperM Phenomenon: The K-Pop Debut Group With the No. 1 Album in America

When K-pop super label SM Entertainment was deciding where to launch its new all-star boy band, it settled on an emerging growth market for the genre: the U.S. Now at the top of the Billboard charts, the group may have revealed a path for other Korean acts to follow.

K-pop fandom in America is an increasingly accessible way of life, but never has the industry catered to U.S. fans as directly as it did in Hollywood this month. In early October, new seven-member boy group SuperM made their official international debut at Capitol Records, notably choosing to focus on the American market from day one. Compiled from several established SM Entertainment acts—SHINee, EXO, NCT 127, and WayV—and created in partnership with Capitol, the all-star supergroup took over Los Angeles, shutting down Hollywood streets for their first showcase and popping up everywhere from billboards and posters to an appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

SuperM’s self-titled EP dropped on October 4, and the group promptly made history as the first debut Korean act to hit no. 1 on the Billboard 200 Albums Chart—they are the only K-pop group other than BTS to reach the top spot. To those unfamiliar with the industry, it may seem like SuperM came out of nowhere, but the group was constructed from some of SM’s most popular boy groups for a reason—they brought with them a dedicated legion of fans. SuperM’s immediate sales success could reveal a path to follow for other K-pop groups hoping to make it in America.

SuperM’s first week of U.S. promotion was designed with their established fans in mind, and there were plenty to be found in L.A. alone. The weekend began with a live Q&A broadcast from Capitol Records, during which the group answered Twitter questions, interacted with fans, and watched their new music video from casual seats in the audience. Then they closed down Hollywood for a live performance on the following Saturday, performing three of their new songs for a crowd of thousands on a giant stage built outside Capitol Tower. And on Sunday—once they’d been deposited practically on my doorstep—it was time to get to know the boys in real time.

When I walked into the interview room at Capitol Records, I was greeted by raucous hellos and bursts of recognition from the seven members of SuperM: SHINee’s Taemin, EXO’s Baekhyun and Kai, NCT 127’s Taeyong and Mark, and WayV’s Ten and Lucas. No, we’re not longtime BFFs, nor had I interviewed them before; the group had been inexplicably seated directly behind me in the press section for the first viewing of their “Jopping” music video a few days before. After offering to move several times, dodging photographers, and enduring a series of increasingly ridiculous interactions, I finally gave up and appreciated my literal front-row seat for SuperM’s video premiere. Despite my best efforts to make sure they could actually see their hard work play on the big screen, several members—Baekhyun especially—became extremely well acquainted with the back of my head.

On Sunday, it was clear that they were slightly less familiar with the front of it. As I got set up, the guys chatted among themselves in Korean, laughing quietly. It was only when I heard Mark (born in Canada, and the group’s most fluent English speaker) ask, “Wait, should I translate?” that I looked up and realized I was on the receiving end of a table full of amused gazes. “Are you talking about me?” I asked. Group leader, eldest member, and unofficial comic relief Baekhyun nodded mischievously and gestured to Mark—no matter that there were several professional translators in the room—who said, “They’re asking whether you were at the afterparty yesterday.” I replied that I hadn’t known there was one—“Sick invite, though!” I added. When Mark sheepishly relayed my answer, Baekhyun erupted out of his seat with a shout of indignation, which quickly turned into an embarrassed bow.

I tried to start the official interview, but Baekhyun refused to move on until he figured out how he knew me, if not from the afterparty. Mark helped me explain, and when Baekhyun realized I was the one awkwardly slouching in front of him so that he could see his own music video, he decided there was no recovering from our rough start. “Sorry, I’ll go!” he said in English, dramatically shoving away from the table and pretending to walk out with a flippant wave. The exchange was scored by giggles from the rest of the group—a constant soundtrack to just about everything Baekhyun does.

He returned with a grin, and Mark got things back on track—already a familiar scenario from the first month of promotion, as the youngest member of SuperM stepped up into his role as the unofficial English voice of the group. The 20-year-old’s original awe of his older, more experienced groupmates has been an ongoing narrative during the first few weeks of their debut, but it’s hard to imagine him as shy or intimidated now. Many fans may still think of Mark as the endearingly goofy NCT youngster of years past, but SuperM has brought out a new side of him—confident, eloquent, and thoughtful. As their primary English speaker, he was under a lot of pressure during the group’s first week in the U.S., but he said he left the anxiety in Korea.

“You always worry the most before the actual thing happens, so I guess I was worried before we came to America,” Mark said. “But once I was here, I realized that we’ve all worked so hard. To see everyone learn even the shortest English lines took my worries away.”

The members of SuperM said they’re invested in learning English because they want to communicate with American fans, but fans aren’t the only ones appreciative of their hard work. SM Entertainment founder Lee Soo Man attended Thursday’s Q&A, serving as SuperM’s biggest hype man. Every time a non-fluent member attempted a sentence in English—which was impressively often, for their first U.S. appearance—Lee erupted in whoops from the audience. That energy extended through the first live “Jopping” viewing, as Lee sat with and practically tackled the boys during standout moments in the video. It’s no surprise that Lee has made his support painfully obvious—they’re his golden boys, and he has a lot riding on this venture. Providing a little hype is perhaps the least he can do.

Despite the fact that many of SuperM’s members have never worked together in a group setting, most of them have known each other for years. Longtime best friends Taemin and Kai are the main dancers of their respective groups, and widely considered two of the best dancers active in the industry; it’s not the first time they’ve collaborated, but it’s their first time working together as fellow group members, which inevitably ups the stakes. In the room, I asked both of them, sitting side-by-side like two perfectly coiffed peas in a pod, whether they’ve learned anything new about each other now that they’re groupmates. They turned to each other simultaneously and seemed to be at an utter loss. “We know everything, right?” Kai asked. Taemin agreed; both were smiling, but clearly serious. “They’re so close,” Mark told me. Everyone nodded.

“We’ve known each other for such a long time, there’s nothing new to learn,” Kai said in Korean. “But if I had to add something … we’ve been friends for such a long time, but we’ve never worked together as artists. We’ve had separate groups and careers, so coming together on the same team like this has changed the way we communicate, because we’re teammates now. We’re not just friends, and we’re not just giving each other advice, but we share the same goal and create team synergy. So that’s something that’s changed with our dynamic.”

Before SuperM officially debuted, theories abounded that Taemin would be named the group leader—a designated role in nearly every K-pop group that amounts to an official team captain of sorts. At 27, Baekhyun is one year older than Taemin, but the latter has been active in the industry longer and has an impressive solo career to boot. In fact, early teasers seemed to paint Taemin as the architect of SuperM. But Taemin appeared to have no interest in the role, and when Baekhyun was officially announced as the leader, it became clear that Baekhyun’s primary focus would be on keeping everyone happy and relaxed at all times.

Thus far, I’d been addressing different members at random, trying to follow the natural flow of conversation, and I’d unintentionally ignored the leader’s corner of the table after our initial chaotic beginning. As I swiveled toward Baekhyun, he made an exaggerated “Finally!” expression, rolling his shoulders, leaning forward, and sucking in a deep breath as if he was about to hit one of those iconic high notes. But no, this time it was just a steadfast commitment to the bit. The other members craned their heads, already grinning, as he pretended to psych himself up for my incoming question. I asked Baekhyun whether he had any newfound empathy for Suho, the leader of his other group, EXO, now that he is a leader himself.

“I can’t really relate, because I feel like I don’t actually do much,” Baekhyun said in Korean. “My biggest role here within this team is to keep the spirits high, and that’s easy for me—because I’m usually in high spirits myself, and it’s really easy for me to do that with these guys.”

Fellow EXO member Kai laughed at Baekhyun’s over-the-top delivery, but piped up in disagreement. “I’ve been in EXO with Baekhyun for a long time, but before he was just a member. Now, with him as a leader, I definitely see the difference. I can see that he has more sense of responsibility for what he does, and he really goes out of his way to care for each of the members. When it’s hard for us to voice our opinions or complaints, Baekhyun makes sure that everyone’s opinions are relayed, and that everything is communicated. He doesn’t realize he’s good, but I’m 100 percent satisfied with his leadership.”

Language barriers aside, Kai was feeling talkative—our Korean translator was forced to scribble intricate outlines to keep up with several of his elaborate answers. At one point, Kai told a story about shooting the “Jopping” music video, complete with dramatic gestures and poses.

“It was my first time in a helicopter,” he said. “They told me it was going to fly really low, and I thought I could handle it. But all of a sudden, they put me up in the helicopter, and it flew around the area four times. The director and cameraman yelled, ‘Keep your eyes open! Have good facial expressions! Fight the wind!’” Kai imitated the shouting crew members, then leveled his signature intense gaze at me in a re-creation of the action-star pose he was going for.

It was a lot.

“I tried my best, and kept my eyes open for as long as possible, and when I came back down, there was sand in my eyes and I couldn’t open them. I thought, ‘OK, I did a good job,’ but when I saw the final cut, none of the footage was used! Nothing at all!” He burst out laughing as Lucas clapped him on the back. Ever the optimist, Kai continued. “It was still a good experience. It’s motivated me to work harder until I can ride a helicopter again—maybe from Korea to America.”

The younger boys seemed impressed by his goal, but Taemin was skeptical. “Wouldn’t it take too long?” he asked. Baekhyun had other concerns: “From Korea to America? You’d get shot down with a missile.”

Ten and Lucas had their own iffy encounters with heavy machinery on the “Jopping” set. There were no helicopter rides for them, but they posed on a giant tank in Dubai in the summer. Lucas summed it up nicely. “So hot!”

Ten elaborated: “We couldn’t really touch the tanks, but we needed to pretend that we were cool on top of the tank.” He struck a pose as if he was leaning against the combat vehicle, then flipped back one stylish sleeve to gesture at his elbow. “I got burned a little,” he said. “But it was pretty cool. It’s not every day you get to sit on top of a tank and like, take a selfie.”

Ten, born in Thailand, collects languages like he collects earrings, and they were all on full display during our chat. In a light, lilting accent, Ten said that his (near-perfect) English hadn’t gotten much practice during the past few years in Korea and China, as he and Lucas promoted with NCT and WayV in quick succession, and he’s still self-conscious about using it around native speakers in the U.S.

That said, Ten loves getting the opportunity to learn about new cultures and languages. “If you know multiple cultures, it’s easier for you to express yourself in performance. You learn more about dancing, singing, and expressing. It makes you grow and mature, I think. You don’t need to care about people’s race. No matter what, you can empathize with them. That’s the most important thing.”

It’s not immediately obvious from his answer, but Ten was demonstrating his aptitude for learning in real time. According to fellow reporter Elizabeth de Luna, who was helping record the interview from the other side of the room, Ten had leaned over to Mark earlier as I asked Baekhyun about having newfound empathy for his EXO group leader. “What does ‘empathy’ mean?” Ten asked Mark. After a whispered discussion, Ten nodded and returned to attention. Then, just a few minutes later, he inserted the word perfectly into his own sentence. So goes the quadrilingual life–and, to a certain extent, the future of K-pop as an ever-evolving, increasingly global industry.

To wit, Ten and Mark aren’t the only SuperM members juggling several languages. WayV’s Lucas is Chinese, born in Hong Kong, and he’s actively working on his English and Korean. Still, he doesn’t have any trouble communicating with his groupmates, four of whom are native Koreans. “Anything can be overcome by music,” Lucas told me in Chinese. “Cultural differences do exist, but music gets rid of all that. I just use music to simplify everything, and I don’t think too much about the differences.”

It’s a sweet sentiment, but music can’t do it all—Lucas and the rest of the boys devote immense effort and concentration to even simple interviews like this one. When I first posed a question to Lucas via the Korean translator, there was a flurry of activity and laughter as the game plan was decided upon: First, Kai suggested in Korean that Lucas answer in Chinese, and Lucas turned with his ever-present smile to address a Chinese translator who was seated against the wall. Ten was then recruited to help from the other side of the room (“I will try, but my Chinese is not that great!” he chirped) and Lucas just leaned back in his rolling chair, swiveling his head around, and looking massively entertained by the commotion. In the end, Lucas gave his answer—with various interjections from Ten—to the Chinese translator, who relayed it to the Korean translator, who then gave it to me in English. It was like a game of multilingual hot potato. Lucas was rewarded for his efforts with scattered applause and high fives from Kai and Baekhyun. The group effort, energetic as it was, is painfully representative of the extra effort K-pop groups have to expend in order to break out in the U.S. market.

NCT 127 leader Taeyong is no stranger to the multilingual interview scene. As the face of the NCT megaunit, he’s worked with group members from China, Thailand, Canada, the U.S., and just about everywhere in between. He’s also unique in that he’s the only SuperM member with a producing credit on the EP. When I asked Taeyong to talk about his work on “No Manners,” which is basically a song about savagely dumping someone, I received a brief panicked look. “Speak from your heart,” Baekhyun suggested. Taeyong did his best. “At first, it was difficult to understand what the song was trying to say, so I tried to make my rap into a story to help listeners understand. I’m not saying that breaking up is always the answer, but a bad breakup is … ” he trailed off, and looked around for an assist. Baekhyun stepped in, saying that the song is about how sometimes it’s best to cut a relationship off before it hits rock bottom.

In our current context, it was hard to imagine Taeyong as an expert on breakups of any kind. He’d been engaged and friendly, but very quiet—mostly just watching the other members speak with wide-eyed attention. As he sat tiny in his seat, in an oversized T-shirt and fluffy purple hair, it was difficult to reconcile him with the fierce, steely-eyed Taeyong of the stage. Next to him, Taemin was quiet and serene as well, but no less attentive—just beaming cherubically as he sipped on his Starbucks. Such is the duality of some of K-pop’s most arresting performers.

After all, no matter how transcendent they can seem on stage—they’re called “idols” for a reason—at the end of the day, they’re just guys. It’s something they reminded us of during their showcase stage for “Super Car,” when it was revealed that the official choreography is centered around hitting the woah.

As soon as I brought up the viral dance move, I was faced with an entire room of boys hitting the woah, like it was impossible for them to talk about it without doing it. Lucas jumped out of his seat to put his whole body into it. “It’s just a feeling!” he exclaimed in English. The guys persuaded me to try hitting the woah a few times myself—unfortunately, it appeared to be a feeling I couldn’t quite grasp, but they very sweetly pretended I nailed it.

Always ready with the polished take, Mark weighed in. “We feel like ‘Super Car’ has a really trendy vibe to it. We wanted to include a movement that the American audience would find familiar. The woah has been popular for awhile now, but it’s all a cycle–it started in America and took a while to make its way over to us, so we brought it back. It just made sense for us to perform it in America.”

American music fans may think it would have made more sense for a group to incorporate the woah a few years ago when it first became popular here, but Mark is self-aware enough to know that it takes time for things like this to make the rounds in Korea. Besides, we all have a teenage cousin who refuses to stop dabbing—viral dances don’t come with expiration dates. Incorporating the woah into “Super Car” seems less like an attempt to cater to American audiences, and more a statement that this is what K-pop looks like in its current state—even if SuperM knows that the woah is passé in American culture, K-pop groups still love it. So, by god, they’re going to hit it as hard as they can.

“Super Car” was one of the three songs the group performed at their debut performance on a massive stage outside Capitol Records. It was a highly anticipated moment—for a group made nearly entirely of idols known for their dance skills, the first live show felt like a make-or-break moment for SuperM.

No one should have worried. SuperM’s first performance proved that they know how to play to each member’s specific strengths, numerous as they are. Need a standout high note? Baekhyun and Taemin are on it. Time for a rapid-fire dance solo? Ten is your man. What about a blue-steel gaze directly into the camera? Well, options vary, but Kai and Taeyong have turned it into an art form. Mark and Lucas have thrived both onstage and off, as the official crowd-pleasing charmers. It’s an all-star formula, and it’s no surprise that it has been a success. But the extent of that success in the U.S.—the blanket press coverage, the Billboard chart record—has exceeded expectations. SuperM’s immediate impact, both on the charts and in the history books, raises the question: If SM can beat the odds by debuting a new group in the U.S. market, who will follow? Other K-pop labels may now focus on America from the get-go, or create their own collaborative groups, following SuperM’s lead.

That, of course, is not SuperM’s concern. As we wrapped up the interview and said our goodbyes, Baekhyun dragged Mark over to apologize for him once more, and dramatically resolved our short-lived beef—as any good leader would. I told them I’d see them again on their upcoming U.S. tour, which kicks off in Fort Worth, Texas, in November.

To the person who will be sitting behind me at said concert, apologies in advance. You’ve got a tough act to follow.

source: Kate Halliwell @ The Ringer