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lamentationsofalonelypotato · 4 months ago

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Chapter 19: I Know Who You Are

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV, Soldier Boy POV

Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy. This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter nineteen of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)

Word Count: 14.5K (It's a behemoth and oh my stars I didn't mean to do this)

Warnings: Angst, Cursing, Angst, Drinking, ANGST, Sexual References, Talks of Pregnancy/Abortion, Some steaminess (barely), Family Problems, Self-deprecating thoughts, Awkward Situation, Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, completely a little OOC. Soldier Boy is really all you need as a warning.

Note: This is told from the Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. Reader is described as "curvy" occasionally. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

A/N: Not going to lie, this one is ANGSTY and it's dramatic... ENJOY!

Soldier Boy POV

Ben couldn't move, couldn't breathe. The words you'd said still hovered between the two of you like an anchor sinking from a ship and lodging itself in his heart to tug him under. At first he thought that he'd imagined you saying it, that he was still reeling from using his newfound powers, but the ringing in his ears was not a side effect of that.

It had been exactly 37 seconds since you said it, and in those 37 seconds Ben couldn't do anything but stare into your beautiful wide eyes and try to remember how to breathe. The look on your face was identical to the first time you told him you loved him, hands gently cupping his cheeks and making him feel like the boy who used to climb up the tree outside your window just to glimpse your smile.

But now what you said was different. What you said didn't bring warmth, it brought destruction, it broke through everything he was.

As soon as you said it a wave of shock crashed over him, followed by another more powerful wave of guilt. It wasn't guilt for getting you pregnant or guilt because the two of you weren't careful. Ben was not upset about that. He would have loved to see you pregnant, see you glow as you wore those cute overalls and prepared for a child that he gave you. To see you smile at him every day and let him make love to you, show you how excited he was to share this with you. Show you how you were the only person he wanted a family with, the only person he ever wanted to be bound to. He had wanted to give that to you and that wasn't a lie. When you first spoke those words to him so long ago about wanting to have a family, wanting to have someone to come home to, someone who loved you, Ben had wanted to be the one to give you those things.

He would have done anything to make you happy, still would. But now he was upset with himself. Guilty that he wasn't there for you when you needed him the most, guilty that he allowed himself to stay away as long as he had, and guilty that he hadn't fought harder to get back to you.

He imagined those years without him raising a child on your own, the sleepless nights you must have had, the way you must have never had a moment of quiet-.

Ben felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into despair when he thought of the years you must have spent alone raising his child, loving his child even though he threw you away.

She loves me that much? How can I ever deserve her?

Ben still didn't breathe, noting the way Legend, Butcher, and Hughie have fallen silent where they stand behind the two of you. Even Legend had stopped smoking his blunt, something that Ben wished he could take a hit from.

I'm a dad and I-

Ben's memories of his own father came up like the rising tide, the shit his father said to him, the way his father pushed him away, the way his father was never there when he needed him to be and the way that his father always made him feel like he wasn't enough, just as your mother made you feel.

Even after all this time, I did become him, I abandoned her and then I abandoned my kid. I wasn't there when they needed me the most, I am a fuck up I- Ben swallows, the overwhelming thoughts dragging him further and further beneath the waves. How could she still want me? How can she say that I've never disappointed her when I did this?

You drop your hands from his cheeks and he misses the warmth they brought, but worse is the look in your eyes. You look scared. It was the same look you'd had on your face this morning when he woke up with you in his arms.

Ben hated that, because he knew why. He knew that you were scared to tell him this because you thought he would leave you again, that you still didn't completely believe that he was never going to leave you again, and it broke something deep inside of him that he tried to hide away for decades. He wished that he had never done those things to you, wished that he had earned back your trust already, wished that you would let him make love to you to show you how much you meant to him, but deep down he knew that he was willing to wait for you even if it took the rest of his life, he would make you trust him again.

At least she's touching me and looking me in the eye now.

But he knew that he still had a long way to go.

“Right.” Butcher clears his throat awkwardly. “Don’t forget to fill up the tank.” He tosses his keys towards you and you catch them in your hand while Ben continues to stand there.

Honestly he still wasn't sure what to say. He was stuck somewhere between guilt and shock and he wasn't sure how to make his body move. Pretty soon he would die from asphyxiation. He hadn’t taken a breath since you said it.

Butcher, Legend, and Hughie walk into the house behind them each wearing a bewildered expression. Ben had been to Legend's summer house many times in the past. He had memories of orgies and parties that went on for days, both of which you never went to, and Ben always ended up at your apartment trying to sleep it off while you sketched quietly beside him. He still couldn't understand that, how you were able to sit there with him and act like your heart wasn't breaking each time he did that.

The silence grows between you and Ben can't find the words to fill it, because he has no idea what to say, no idea how you can look at him when he did this to you, when he got you pregnant and then abandoned you like you didn't matter.

"Look I-" You stammer, looking down at the ground for a minute to take a breath before you raise your eyes to look at him. "I didn't want to tell you like this, but I can't leave her. We have the same last name and the first thing Homelander's going to do is make that connection. I mean, Legend and I made up the story about Indigo being my mom, but Rosemary she-"

Ben's entire body explodes again with emotion and shock as you utter the name Rosemary. He hadn't heard it in over eighty years, the last time was at his mother's funeral. The day that you crossed the gravesite, pulling away from your family, swaddled in another ridiculous dress that your mother picked out, and took his hand, refusing to let it go. You were always there for him.

And then I wasn't fucking there for her.

“I just can’t leave her, not with him.” You whisper, glancing up into Ben's impassive face but he can't say anything.

How can I when she named our daughter after my mother?

“I know it’s a lot to take in. I tried to tell you this morning, but then Butcher walked in and I didn’t want to do this in front of him and- and-“ You were babbling now, a nervous habit that Ben hadn't seen you do in ages, but was now rearing its ugly head all over again. “And you don’t have to come with me-“

You were mistaking his silence for fear, mistaking his silence as him pulling away all over again. He could see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice as it trembled.

“Rosemary.” Ben whispers, your daughter's name, his daughter's name, interrupting you. He barely breathes it, so low that he's not sure you heard him, saying the name with a reverence that he'd never used before. It was the first thing he'd said since you told him that he was a dad.

“Yes?" You look confused.

“You named her after my mom?” Ben’s eyes catch yours, deep green and open. He could feel his own heart flutter when he asked you that, heating in his chest so hot that he thinks it might melt out of it, through the bones and sinew. If that happened he would catch it and give it to you as if you already didn’t have it.

Ben can hear your heartbeat stutter when he asks you that. It was surprising, surprising that after everything that happened you still did that for him, did that to remember him.

He watches the end of your lips twitch in a smile.

“Yeah. You loved your mom. And did you think I was going to name her after my mom? Really?” You smile faintly at him with the joke.

Ben almost smiles at the thought. There wasn't any way that you wanted to remember your mother. Hell, all Ben wanted was to help you forget her, to undo the damage that she'd done to you all those years ago, because he saw how her influence still weighed on you, how everything that happened in the past still sat on your shoulders.

And he wanted to relieve that.

“I did try to tell you.” You repeat, but your smile drops. “Honestly I also want to stop and get some clothes from my apartment so I’m not covered in blood or rubble when I see her. It's going to be hard to explain all of this to her.”

Ben drags his eyes down your outfit again. Although this morning all he wanted was to rip it off you and study your curves with his hands, the outfit looked weathered. There was a prominent hole through the jacket and shirt, just under your left breast that Ben couldn't look away from. He knew what it meant. It was from you pushing him out of the way of Homelander. He could still feel the anger prickling beneath his skin when you again did the thing that he told you not to do. You were just so stubborn sometimes and never wanted to listen to him. Ben didn't give a single fuck that Homelander had punched him and practically choked him, the only thing he cared about was that Homelander had killed you. There were many things that Ben fantasized about doing to Homelander when he had killed you, many he wished that he had been able to accomplish before Homelander tucked his tail and flew away like a little pussy.

He cannot be what passes for a hero these days.

Then again another side of him was incredibly turned on when you faced Homelander. He'd never admit that to you, but there was something sexy about the way you threw Homelander around like he was nothing. It had taken an extreme amount of effort for Ben not to kiss you after Homelander flew away, to take you back into the ruined house and show you just how much he liked your outfit and how much he enjoyed watching you kick Homelander's ass. Of course he'd let the anger win in the moments that followed the fight.

"Okay." Ben replies.

He sees you hesitate. “I guess I’ll see you when I get back.” You reply, with a tight smile, disappointment flashing in your eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Ben’s eyebrows furrow together. He was confused. “I’m coming with you.”

“Really?" He watches your eyes widen in surprise.

Did she really think I'd let her go alone to do this?

"Yes? I told you that I didn't want you to go alone. Especially with that asshole flying around." Ben could feel himself frown.

"Okay."

Reader POV

The first ten minutes of the drive is deathly quiet. Ben doesn’t say anything and you fight to keep your mouth shut. The urge to fill the silence bristled beneath your skin, but you clamp your lips together.

Even when he said he wanted to come with me, he didn't acknowledge anything I said about Rosemary and-

“Are you sure she’s mine?” Ben finally asks interrupting your internal monologue.

You can’t help but laugh, gripping the steering wheel as you snort. “Why is that the reaction all men have when a woman tells them that they’re pregnant? Is it because all men believe that women go around plotting ways to force them into a relationship? Is that a legitimate fear that you guys have? Or is it because all men think women go jumping from bed to bed having unprotected sex with whoever they can get their hands on?”

“No I just-“ Ben sighs and doesn’t finish his sentence. He’s been staring out through the windshield, watching the outside world fade into blurred colors, glancing over at you every few seconds.

“I’m sorry.” You hadn’t meant to laugh at him, but this was all just extremely awkward.

But it shouldn’t be. You can’t help but think to yourself. If Ben had ever asked me to have a kid with him before any of this I would have agreed to it no questions asked. But now I guess it's different.

“Yes she’s yours.” You sigh, but you can’t look at him.

“But how?”

“Do you really want me to explain the birds and the bees to you?”

“Y/n.” He sighs.

“Because of all the people in the world, you probably have enough experience to know exactly how babies are made and I hate to break it to you, it has nothing to do with a stork.”

“Please don’t make a joke right now.”

“I can’t help it.” You mutter butterflies dancing the conga in your stomach. “You know how I get when I get nervous.” You could practically feel your neurons sending electrical impulses through your body, making your anxiety grow.

I really should have had that coffee this morning. Then again it might go right to my anxiety.

“Why are you nervous?” Ben asks you incredulous. He sounds surprised, like he can't understand you.

“Huh?”

“Why are you nervous? You should be fucking furious with me!"

"Ben what are you talking about?" You turn to look over at him. He looks wrecked. He's hunched in the seat, hands clenched tightly over his thighs, jaw tight.

Is he mad at me? Really? Your heart sinks into the pit of your stomach to be devoured by the swarm of butterflies. I knew it. I knew he wouldn't be able to handle this-

"I did this to you and then I fucking left you. I left you when you needed me and was with those Russian fucks for forty-“ Ben’s voice breaks.

You suddenly understand. Ben wasn’t angry with you, he wasn’t pulling away, he was angry with himself. Guilty and angry because he wasn't there, because he believed that he disappointed you again.

“Ben wait a minute-“

“I should have been there every second.” He seethes, jaw tight, hands clenched into fists on top of his thighs. “I should have- FUCK.” Ben’s fist goes through the roof of the car, making the entire frame shudder.

Shit Butcher might kill us for that.

"Oh Ben-" You whisper.

“I-“ His chest begins to glow. “I said all those things, pushed you away, fucked Countess. I put you through all that shit and you still wanted to have my fucking kid? And you named her after my mom? I-"

Butcher will definitely kill us if Ben blows up his car.

You pull the car over to the side of the road, quickly unbuckling your seatbelt and reaching for Ben. "Ben please it's okay." You breathe, hands finding the sides of his face. "It's okay."

"No it's not." His chest dulls, but he turns his head away from you ashamed. "You told me that you wanted a family, that you wanted someone to come home to, someone who loved you. I wanted to give you those things, but not like this. I-" Ben's voice cracks. "I'm so sorry. I-"

"Ben." You whisper, turning his face back to yours so he's looking at you. His green eyes are dim, eyebrows pushed together, mouth turned down in a frown. And you can't help but kiss him. It's the first kiss you'd had in years. Life always seemed to get in the way of that. Whether it was Rosemary or Lou, you hadn't had a lasting relationship with someone in decades, not since Ben. The most you’d done is gone out with another artist and had dinner. It had ended in an awkward kiss that felt completely wrong to you. It didn't feel anything like this.

Kissing Ben was even more wonderful than you remember. The way he softly sighs into your mouth as he deepens the kiss, the way his hands find your waist to pull you over the center console into his lap, the way your hands automatically tangle in his thick dark hair on the back of his head, and the way your entire body melted into him. Warm tingles trace down your spine as your lips move against his, every synapse in your body electrifying, as you try your hardest to tell him how much he means to you with the kiss.

"Don't you understand." You say against his lips, stroking your fingers through his hair. "You did. You gave me a family. You gave me someone to come home to, someone who loves me. And now that she’s all grown up it gets to be you. You didn’t ruin my life. I don’t regret a single moment, even with everything that happened. I don't regret having Rosemary. You gave me what I wanted. It might not have looked the way I thought it would, but it doesn't make it any less special.”

"But I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I-" Ben sighs leaning his forehead against yours and you kiss him again, his tongue tangling with yours so devastatingly languid it seems to take your next breath.

Why did I ever deny myself this?

"Ben, you're here now, and that's all that matters to me."

"But-"

"You don't need to apologize for this Ben. What happened to you was not your fault. You couldn't control being away as long as you were-"

"I could have tried harder to escape. I could have-" He swallows, eyes wide and filled with pain. "I would have tried harder if I knew that I left you with-"

"Ben." You breathe, extracting your fingers from his hair and cupping his cheeks. "Please. I don't blame you for not being there. It was out of your control. And if-" You clear your throat with a sigh. "If you really love me as much as you say, if you've really loved me all this time, then I know you would have been there every second."

"I do. I love you." He kisses you again, breathing you in, holding you so tight against his chest as if he believes that you'll fade away in his arms. "I would have been, even if you hated having me there."

"I might have at the beginning, but now I can't imagine losing you. I can't imagine you leaving me. I don't think that I'll be able to survive this time-"

"I won't leave. I promise."

"I'm starting to believe you." Your thumbs stroke against Ben's cheeks, smiling softly at him, trying to fight the urge to cry, because your emotions are getting the best of you all over again. "Now can we please go? Or are you going to blow up Butcher's car?"

"One more Sweetheart." Ben murmurs, dragging your face back to his. "I've waited forty years for this."

"Does she know about me?" Ben says from your bedroom, over the sound of the sink.

You were standing in your bathroom, washing ash and blood from your face and picking rubble out of your hair. Honestly, you looked… weathered. The revenge outfit had a large irreparable hole that went through the blouse, not to mention you'd lost another favorite jacket and you were starting to get pissed.

Two down in a week. Maybe the vintage shop across the street from Rosemary's will have a nice selection. You reconsider. Or maybe Legend will have some clothes that he doesn't want. You smile to yourself. He certainly looks the same, must have some nice vintage clothes from the "good old days". Maybe I should be more worried about the fact that I’m more upset about ruining another jacket rather than the fact that we killed two people today.

Of course, you also needed to consider getting Ben some more clothes as well. Butcher's minimal selection was dismal, then again Ben could probably wear a garbage bag and be drop dead gorgeous.

He's the worst.

"Yeah. I told her who you were." You pull off the jacket, stroking your finger around the hole in the back of it, noticing the way the singed leather melted away from the laser. "She also knows you're back. It was-um- it was Rosemary who was texting me this morning." You momentarily feel guilty again. Rosemary was not excited to see Ben, the text messages this morning were a testament to that. And you were afraid that Ben was going to get his hopes up about seeing her.

Personally you weren't sure how he was going to approach this. Your heart just about broke when he almost exploded in the car from guilt about getting you pregnant. That was shocking, but at the same time the look of anguish on his face made you feel guilty all over again for not trying to get him sooner, for not asking more questions about his death. You knew that he was more indestructible than you. Why didn't I question that?

You reach for the bottom of the blouse, pulling it from your skin, but you look at your reflection in the mirror. There were two prominent scars, each about the size of a nickel, just under the left side of your bra. The only thing left behind from your fight with Homelander.

Ben's hand against the small of your bare back, makes you jump. It was rough and familiar, brushing against your soft skin in a way that makes you want to push back into his touch, to soak up the warmth like a cat in the sun. Proving again that your body still responded to his touch the same way it had your entire life. "Let me see." He rumbles.

"What?"

Ben turns you towards him, eyes dark as they meet yours, but then they drop to the collection of scars on your torso. "This one?" He strokes the golf-ball sized, almost perfect circle on the right lower part of your abdomen.

"Countess."

Ben's jaw tightens, but then raises his hand to the scars Homelander left then to the bullet scar just over your heart. "I hate that so many of these have to do with me."

"Well you didn't do them so you should see that as a win." You joke trying to make Ben smile, but he doesn't. "Ben we talked about this."

"I know." He pauses stroking his finger on a thin line just over your left collarbone. It was new to him. "What’s this one?"

"Rosemary." A ghost of a smile is on my lips. "Didn't want to eat her broccoli when she was a kid, telekinetically threw a knife at me by accident."

"She's a supe?"

"Yeah she's like us a bit. Doesn't age, she's strong, and more invulnerable, but she doesn't have any other powers unless she touches you."

"She has to touch you?"

"Yeah skin to skin contact only and only 24 hours, that's how she got telekinesis. She touched me and, well, really didn’t want to eat that broccoli-" You shrug. You were used to her powers, happy that you didn't have to watch her age, but worried about Lou. You were always worried about Lou. “But she's not a hero, she didn't want to be one. She's a nurse, works downtown in the emergency room. Though I think she's thinking about being a doctor."

"A doctor? A female doctor?” Ben’s eyebrows furrow.

Right. He basically missed the feminist movement. Note to self, make Ben watch the Barbie movie.

"Yes a female doctor. Nowadays it happens more often than you’d think.” You laugh. “She wanted to go back to school, but then her husband died and she was taking care of Lou-"

"Lou?"

You take his hand stroking your thumb over the back. “It’s not just Rosemary-“

“Please do not tell me you had fucking twins.” Ben tenses.

“No.” You snort. “Lou is our granddaughter. It's short for Louisa, though Rosie never calls her that unless she's done something crazy. She’s four, and most of the time she calls me aunty. She doesn’t know I’m her grandmother. Rosie and I, we thought it would be better if I introduced her as my cousin, not as my daughter."

“What happened to her husband?”

“Car accident. Just a few weeks after Lou was born.” Your smile drops remembering. “He was a good guy. Rosemary was head over heels for such a long time, and when he died she just crumbled completely shut down. He wasn't a supe and when she started to have a life with him I was worried about him dying. He wasn't going to live forever and he certainly wasn't indestructible. But after it happened I moved in with them for a while, helped her get through it, but it was hard."

"What about Lou?"

"What about her?"

"Is she a supe?" Ben's palm was still resting on the thin line over your collar bone and it was difficult to think with his bare skin pressed against yours.

"Not that we've noticed. Though I worry every day she will be."

"Why?"

"She's a third generation supe from our bloodline. If that gets out, who knows what'll happen. Same with Rosemary. She’s powerful and she’s only second generation from us. I’m hoping it skipped Lou.” You sigh leaning forward into his hand. "When I first found out that I was pregnant with Rosemary I was afraid that Vought would come take her away. And then when Lou was born I was so happy for Rosie, but everyday I'm scared that-" The words catch in your throat. Nothing really scared you anymore, but the thought of losing Rosie or Lou broke your heart, it was the same fear you had at the thought of losing Ben all over again.

He slides his hand up the column of your throat to cup your cheek. “Nothing will happen to them.” Ben promises. “I won’t let it.” His gaze was locked on yours, eyes filled with steely determination. It made your heart warm to know that Ben already cares about them, that he understood how important they were to you. It also made you all the more guilty for telling Rosemary everything about Ben, afraid that it turned her against him.

But I told her the bad and the good. I told her how much he meant to me, how he touched my life, our childhoods-

Images of the moments with Ben over your lifetime, the good and the bad, the moments you loved him, the moments you hated him, the simple moments that you longed for more, and the moments where Ben gave you everything you wanted, when he was exactly what you needed, as if he understood every part of you, even the parts that you tired to hide from everyone else. The moments before you were supes when Ben and you were together and he made you forget about your mother, when he walked you home as you sang drunkenly off key, and the moments where he cheered you up when everything seemed hopeless. Ben was always there for you.

You tried to tell her that, but maybe you were too jaded to tell her, maybe you focused too much on the bad. And now that meant she might not listen to his side of the story.

He drags his finger over the scar just over your heart, the one he can't seem to forget, trailing goosebumps in it's wake, while his other hand wraps around your waist tugging you forward against his chest.

By now he was wearing the pair of jeans and dark shirt he came to your apartment in, looking just as devastatingly handsome as he always did. Probably a good thing that he didn't go to her apartment in his supe suit, you didn't want Rosemary to ask him why he was wearing it and then have to tell her that he torched the TNT Twins.

Because telling her that you personally kicked Homelander's ass and that he was now going to hunt down Rosemary and Lou seemed so much easier. Not.

Why is my life like this?

"I can't put a shirt on if you keep doing that." You whisper. Honestly you couldn't think straight either.

"Maybe that's my plan all along."

"Well see, if I never put a shirt on that means that I'll be walking around in public with everyone seeing me without one and-"

Ben's eyes narrow at the thought.

“Oh do you not like that?” You smirk.

He pins you back against the counter, the marble biting into your lower back, but you don’t have time to think about it because Ben’s lips are against yours, supple and urgent, driving every thought from your mind.

Your hands come up to grip his shoulders, fastening him tighter against you while his mouth drags over your skin down your throat to your collarbone.

“Ben we have to go-“ you whisper.

“Let me do this first.” He mutters against your skin.

“Do what?” You sigh, feeling him begin to suck a mark directly over your collarbone. “Ben-“ You try to say his name to make him stop. Showing up to Rosemary’s apartment with a hickey was the last thing you wanted. But instead of his name coming out in the harsh whisper you intended, it comes out as a moan.

Ben’s body tightens around you, gaze meeting yours. His eyes are dark pools filled with promises that make a shiver travel down your spine. “I’ve waited forty years to hear you say my name like that again.” His lips fall back to the same spot. “And I look forward to hearing it like that in the future.”

Part of you is screaming too soon! But there’s another part rattling the bars of her cage that screams more! At the top of its lungs.

Ben continues to kiss along your neck, beard scratching against the soft skin in a way that makes you sigh and move your hands up to tangle in his hair.

You can feel Ben’s smile. “That’s my girl.”

��Only yours.” You whisper before you can stop yourself causing Ben to raise his head from your collarbone.

“Damn right.”He growls.

And there goes my last shred of willpower. Fuck.

Rosemary’s apartment building sends a deep feeling of dread through your system. You were happy that you got to change, happy that Ben got to change, but now thanks to the man sitting in the front seat across from you there was a large purple mark just on your collarbone that was barely covered by the long sleeved sweater you had on.

Please let Rosemary not see it.

Ben wasn’t helping. Since your apartment he hadn’t let go of your hand. The entire ride to Rosemary’s he held it over the center console of Butcher’s car, slowly stroking the back of it with his thumb making warm tendrils creep up your arm and settle in your heart. It was just like the night after the restaurant when Ben drove you home and he showed a softer side of himself that you hadn’t seen in forty years.

In the past 48 hours Ben had been more attentive and loving than he ever had and it made you hopeful for the future, hopeful that this really was going to work.

But you were still afraid that this was happening so fast. You weren’t expecting yourself to be so open to forgiving him, to be so ready to let him back in, to let him pick up the pieces of your heart but there he was holding duct tape with his piercing eyes and annoyingly gorgeous face.

“This is a nice apartment building.” Ben says looking up at the towering behemoth.

“She really likes it.” You shrug. “It’s close to a lot of schools and Rosie’s job. I kinda thought it was too uppity.”

“Neighborhood looks safe.” Ben gets out of the car.

“Yeah it-“ You begin to say trying to open your door but as soon as you do Ben is there opening it for you. “Oh thanks.”

“You look surprised.” He smiles.

“It’s just been a while since someone has opened a door for me.”

Ben’s smile twitches for a second. “Y/n?”

“Yes Ben.” You smooth the front of his shirt.

“How many others have there been?” He asks quietly.

You pause for a second hand still on his chest. As ridiculous as it might seem to some people, the truth was there hadn’t been anyone else.

At first it was difficult to find time for anything eat alone that in particular. Chasing a toddler around that occasionally picked up the couch and threw it across the room with her mind was enough to keep anybody busy, not to mention that you didn’t want to leave Rosemary alone with anyone for a night. And when Rosemary finally went off the college and you started to sell your paintings you started to get more comfortable being on your own again. You’d gone out to dinner with a few men who asked you after your show shared a kiss, but nothing ever felt right.

Finally came the one night that you thought things could be different. Max was a colleague that had flirted with you every chance he got. He wasn’t bad looking, reminded you a bit of Ben and your friend Adam Winthrop growing up. Max was also an artist who came to each of your shows, talked you down from the ledge whenever you thought the work wasn’t good enough and always took you out to get a drink after a show to make you feel better. He was sweet, funny, but when you were with him something always felt different.

But one night you figured why not? So you gave in, went back with Max to his apartment, but you couldn’t go all the way. It felt wrong. You could tell how much he liked you, how much he wanted you, but you didn’t want him. And it felt wrong to use someone. To make them believe you had feelings for them only to push them away.

So you told Max the truth and he respected you, didn’t make anything weird between the two of you, acted like nothing happened.

But now standing here in front of Ben with him asking you that question apart of you wished you had found someone else.

“Why?” You ask slowly.

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know you just haven’t- I mean we haven’t talked about that and-“

“I have never asked you how many people you’ve slept with. And I really don't think this is the best time?"

“I know that you've never asked but the last time I saw you I mean-" Ben's hand gently touches your waist, stroking against the top of your favorite worn pair of jeans.

You knew exactly what he was thinking about, he was thinking about the night you shared together, when he was everything you wanted, and he made you feel special loved, when he was gentle and made love to you the way you always imagined.

And yes maybe sex was off the table for a while, but it would come up again, eventually.

"Ben, can we talk about this after we get Rosemary and Lou back to Legend's?" You whisper placing a hand on his chest before you can stop yourself. You weren't sure if you'd ever be able to stop touching him, if you'd ever be able to stand in his presence and not feel warm or happy. You never expected it to be like this again, and certainly not so soon.

Ben looks disappointed for a moment, his green eyes flashing in the brilliant sunlight as it begins to sink behind the buildings. The wind carried the smells of summer, ice cream, beer, sunscreen, and just a hint of rain, rustling through the trees on the edge of Central Park. There would be a storm soon and you hoped that you were on the road before it hit. You hated driving in the rain.

"Okay." He releases your waist and takes your hand once more. "But we are going to talk about it right?"

"I don't see why it's so important." You steer him towards the front double doors where the doorman, Rodger, stands in a green and gold suit.

"Welcome back miss." Rodger smiles and opens one of the heavy glass doors for Ben and you.

"Thank you Rodger. How's the wife?" You flash a winning smile at him, still holding on tight to Ben who walks silently next to you.

"She's doing a lot better. The treatments are going well. She seems more like herself each day." Rodger smiles wider, eyes misting a little bit.

"That's wonderful to hear. Tell her I say hello." You say continuing to the gilded elevator that sits on the other side of the large marble lobby of the apartment building.

The truth was you knew that his wife was doing better, just as you knew she was receiving her treatments. Last Christmas Rodger had broken down when he was letting you up to see Lou and Rosemary and told you that his wife was diagnosed with lung cancer and because they didn’t have the money for treatment, it would probably be her last Christmas. Rodger was one of the kindest people you knew, and you didn't want him to lose his wife, so Rosemary and you both decided to shift around the generous funds that her grandfather left you, to send an anonymous donation so Rodger's wife could get treatment.

"Of course miss."

The elevator door closes, leaving Ben and you alone again, playing a cover of "Don't Stop Believing" on the piano.

Ben tugs you close and kisses you softly, so soft that it makes your eyes flutter while he smiles down at you. "I love you."

"What did you do?" You joke, nerves of Rosemary seeing Ben gone for a moment.

"You have such a big heart." He strokes his finger down your cheek, eyes soft as he gazes at you.

"He was going to lose his wife." You murmur. Ben was doing it again, seeing through you, understanding you even without knowing the whole story. It was like he always had a way of laying you bare, able to see your thoughts and secrets even though he wasn't a mind reader. "He loves her so much and for him to lose her like that-"

Ben hugs you closer to his chest. "I understand what that's like."

You see where his mind is, see that it's on a beach overseas, with blood soaked sand and your body lying in his arms as you draw your last breath. It hurt you to see the pain in his eyes, the loss even when you were standing right in front of him, even when you were in his arms, pressed against him in the way that always made you think that he was made for you just as the way you were made for him.

How could I ever forget how he made me feel? How wonderful it was to be with him when all you could see was the boy you grew up with?

"I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere. I promise." You kiss him gently on the tip of his nose. It was more to reassure yourself than anything else. Rosemary was not going to react well to seeing him.

Might as well rip the band aid off right now.

The hallway is quiet, carpet plush and thick beneath your shoes and Ben and you make your way to the door at the end of the hallway. The blue paint is supposed to be calming, but your anxiety spikes as you raise your free hand to knock against the front door.

Please let her be here and not be kidnapped by Homelander.

The door opens.

Rosemary is dressed for work. Her maroon scrubs are clean and neat, her dark hair pulled back in a bun, her make up soft. She looks calm, but you can see the coming storm, just as you felt the coming storm outside the building, feel the electricity against your skin before the thunderclouds rose on the horizon. As soon as her eyes meet yours they narrow.

She's pissed.

"What are you doing here? I told you that I didn't need you to watch Lou tonight. Her babysitter is coming." Rosemary glances at Ben once, frown deepening as she notices his hand holding yours. You knew she was still holding back what she wished to say, choosing rather to ignore his presence rather than tear him apart here.

"I know. I'm not here for that. We have to go." You say, not wanting to discuss the full gravity of the situation in the hallway, but Rosemary shifts to block the doorway.

"You're not coming in. Not with him." She spits the word 'him' like it's a curse and you feel Ben's body tense in surprise.

I should have prepared him for this.

"Hi I’m-" Ben begins to say, trying to smooth things over.

"I know who you are." Rosemarys eyes narrow and flick back to you. “I can’t believe you fucking forgave him.”

"I-"

"Before you say you didn't that fucking hickey on your neck says otherwise."

Your cheeks flush bright red in embarrassment, shifting the sweater to hide it again. “Rosie-“

“No no no. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Rosie-“ Ben tries to say.

"Don't you dare call me that." She snarls, face contorting in rage, burning so hot that you could practically feel the air around her raising in temperature. "You don't know me. We're not friends. And I don't care what she says, you're not my dad. You're just the asshole that fucked my mom, got her pregnant and then ripped her heart out." Rosemary spits. “Do you have any idea what you put my mother through? Do you have any idea?"

Ben's body is still tense beside you, pulled so taunt that you don't know how he hasn’t snapped "I know and I apolo-“

“You think one measly apology makes that okay? MAKES ANY OF THIS OKAY?”

“Can we please not do this in the hallway?” You sigh. The last thing you wanted was Mrs. Norbert, Rosemary's prehistoric nosy neighbor coming out into the hall with her yappy French poodle, the same one that always snapped at your ankles and at Lou when you ran into her in the lobby.

“He’s not coming in here.” Rosemary stands her ground in the doorway.

"I know that you’re angry, but I need you to put that aside right now because there are more pressing things we have to worry about.”

"Like what?" Her eyes narrow at you. "Oh let me guess, you guys fucked again, you're pregnant and now you're going to-"

"Don't you dare speak to her that way." Ben roars trying to step in front of you, but you put your hand up to stop him.

Rosemary might be your daughter, but to Ben she was someone who insulted you, family or no, he wasn't going to sit back and let her treat you that way.

"Ben." You say once to calm him down. The last thing you wanted was for him to go nuclear right now. "Rosemary please. I know that you're angry, but we're not here for some big reunion. This is more important than any of this. This is about keeping Lou safe."

At the mention of her daughter's name, you see Rosemary's resolve waver. Her eyes flick to Ben again, once more sizing him up. "Fine." She opens the door wider, so Ben and you can come inside the apartment.

The creative chaos of the living room soothes some of your nerves, but not all. This was going poorly. Well, worse than poorly. Rosemary could barely look at Ben let alone speak to him without looking like she'd smelled something rancid.

You knew it would be bad, but you didn't think that it would be like this.

Apart of your heart broke for Ben. You saw how he acted in the car when you told him he was a father, how upset he'd been at the thought of getting you pregnant and then abandoning you. And now Rosemary was basically making him feel like a deadbeat probably wasn't helped either.

All you hoped was that Ben wasn't focusing on what his father used to say to him about being a disappointment, hoped that he wasn't reliving the memories of everything his father shouted at him at night before Ben fled to the solace of your bedroom.

Because the truth was you weren't disappointed and certainly were not disappointed when you got pregnant. Heartbroken yes. Scared shitless, again yes. But not disappointed, you'd never say that about him or to him, not as long as you lived. You knew exactly what those words would do to him, exactly where they would transport him. And you refused to be the reason Ben was reminded of his father.

"Aunty y/n!" Lou crows as she weaves through the apartment, leaping off the teal colored couch and into your open arms. She squeezes you tightly, burying her face in your neck. To see her safe brings relief washing over you, the same feeling you felt when Rosemary opened the door, but tenfold now knowing that Homelander has not taken either or them.

And he won't ever.

"I missed you." She whispers.

"I missed you too honey." You smile down at your granddaughter. She leans back to glance at her mother who still stands at the front door, holding on to the handle like it's her last nerve. Ben is standing close to you, looking at the little girl in your arms, face impassive, but his eyes betray him, caught somewhere between shock, anger, and just a twinge of guilt.

Please don't be guilty Ben. You think to yourself, trying hard not to reach out and touch him.

"Mommy why were you yelling at aunty y/n?" Lou looks at where Rosemary stands awkwardly by the door glaring at Ben.

"Because I didn’t tell her my friend Ben was coming." You say rubbing her back softly.

"Him?" She points at Ben.

"Yes. And don't point honey it's rude."

"Hi." Lou gives him a toothless smile and waves her chubby hand at him, her dark hair flopping away from her face as she does so.

Ben blinks at her for a moment, before his mouth begins to quirk in a half smile, shoulders still tense. But you could see that he was trying, and it meant something that he was despite Rosemary practically tearing him a new one in the hallway.

"He looks like mommy." Lou giggles cuddling into your neck to look at him.

It was the one thing that you hadn't prepared Ben for, how much he looked like Rosemary, how similar they were. You knew that somewhere deep down he was probably thinking the same thing.

Rosemary's eyes skate to Ben who stares back at her with the same intensity, but something passes in the air between them, something that you can't place.

"Yes. Yes he does sweetie. Now why don’t you go get your art kit for me, and we’ll go." You put her on the ground and Lou scampers off to her bedroom while the three of you stand there in awkward silence.

"Why do we have to go? I thought you didn’t expose yourself because you didn't go to Russia to get him." Rosemary asks. She still wouldn’t say his name. Then again you weren't expecting her to call him dad.

HA. Like that would ever happen.

Ben scoots closer to you reaching for your hand, but when Rosemary narrows her eyes at him, he pauses halfway. So you take his hand instead. "I did expose myself."

"How? Because of him?"

"Look I get that you're pissed, but I'm asking you to put it aside for one second so we can talk about this."

"Fine." Rosemary crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm listening." She still looks angry.

And you know what you're about to say is going to make her even angrier.

"We went to talk to the TNT Twins and things went south." You begin, swallowing the lump in your throat.

"Why?"

"I'll explain that later. But all you need to know is that things went badly and Homelander showed up."

Rosemary's hands tighten on her biceps so tight that her knuckles turn white at the mention of Homelander. Like you Rosemary didn't have any experience with him, only that she also knew there was something off about him.

"What did you do?" She whispers.

"It's not what she did, it's more what that fucker did." Ben almost spits, his skin heating where it rests in your hand.

"Ben." You say squeezing his hand softly as a warning. He gains control. "There wasn't a choice. We got into a fight-"

Rosemary's eyes widen, inhaling sharply. And before she can stop herself, she touches your shoulder, eyes tracing your body as if looking for injuries. "Did he hurt you? Are you okay?"

"Yes Rosie I'm fine, but he knows who I am and that means-"

"He knows who we are." Her eyes flick in the direction Lou went to grab her bag. "Shit."

"You can say that again." Ben mutters.

"Give me five minutes." Rosemary looks from Ben to you for a moment. "But this doesn't change anything."

"I know. Just go. We'll wait here." You reply with a tight lipped smile.

You hoped that one day this would get easier, that Rosemary would be able to look at Ben or have a conversation with him without killing him. The three of you seemed to be practically immortal, that was a long time to hold a grudge. And you didn't want there to be a division in your family. You'd lived with one before and you didn't want to go back through that, the awkward holidays, passive aggressive letters, and tense conversations. You didn't want that for your new family.

Maybe if I show her how much Ben has changed she'll warm up to him.

"Are you okay?" You whisper.

Ben was looking around the living room with an unreadable expression, flicking through the photos on the back of the couch of Rosemary, You, and Lou to the hand drawn pictures on the refrigerator in the kitchen.

"Ben?"

"Yeah." He mutters. "I'm fine."

But you could tell he wasn't. He wasn't really focusing on anything, and even his tone of voice was strange, hollow, but before you could press him further Rosemary and Lou come back into the room.

"Here let me-" Ben steps forward to take one of the large duffle bags from Rosemary, attempting to help, but Rosemary yanks the bag out of his reach.

"No I don’t need your help. I don’t need anything from you."

"Rosemary-" You sigh.

"And she doesn’t either." Rosemary gestures to you with the bag. "Do you have any idea what you did to her? How much you hurt her? And now you think you can just waltz back in here and say 'oh I’ll fix it' like you didn’t fuck up her life?"

"Rosemary!" You shout eyes flicking to where Lou was standing with her TMNT backpack on with wide eyes.

"No. You might not be able to say it to him. But I will. We don’t need you here. We've survived the past forty fucking years without you and we'll survive the next million!"

"Rosemary stop." You step forward this time to move between them, but Rosemary doesn't back down.

"Stop what?" She shouts. "Stop reminding you of what he did? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to just look into his eyes and forgive him like you did-"

"I DID NOT LOOK INTO HIS EYES AND FORGIVE HIM.” You snap, but then stop to take a breath. “We are working through it-"

"Uh-huh sure." Rosemary rolls her eyes. "Just stay away from Lou and from me." She moves around Ben with Lou in tow, storming through the front door of the apartment and leaving you and Ben in the living room.

Oh yeah… This is really working out for the best.

The ride to Legend's is dead silent, all three hours, broken up only once when you stop for gas, but even then Rosemary won't speak to you. She barely makes eye contact as she takes Lou to the bathroom, leaving Ben and you to stand at the car, watching the rain soak through the cracked pavement outside. But even Ben has been more quiet than usual, staring through the windshield of the car lost in thought, and you didn't ask him to fill the silence. You figured that with everything that happened over the past few hours, Ben deserved some silence.

When Lou and Rosemary got back to the car, Ben had silently taken the car keys from you and slid behind the wheel. He knew how much you hated driving in the rain.

Legend didn't require an introduction to your daughter, but it had been an awkward meeting for Butcher and Hughie who breezed through the front hallway on the way up the stairs to their bedrooms.

And finally when it was just Ben, Rosemary, Lou, and you standing at the foot of the stairs, you still had no idea what to say, or if there really was anything to say. You knew that Rosemary didn't want to talk out everything in front of Lou.

By now it was past midnight and you could see that Lou was already starting to sway on her feet. It was hours past her bedtime, but she was still in good spirits. Lou never seemed to stop smiling, she was happy all the time, excited to try new things, and it always reminded you of the way Rosemary used to be when she was a child and as an adult before she lost her husband.

"Rosemary-" You begin to say, throat tightening.

"I'm going to take Lou to bed. We can talk in the morning." She doesn't look at Ben or you, but you could tell that she was tired. She was still wearing her maroon scrubs, hadn’t changed out of them, too worried about Homelander, but her hair had pulled free of the bun and her makeup was a little more smudged under her eyes now. "Say goodnight Lou."

"Goodnight aunty y/n." Lou says tottering over to you, and you stoop down on the ground to hug her close to your chest the anxiety about Homelander prickling under your skin once more.

“Tomorrow can we paint some?” She gives you a wide toothless smile.

She'd lost one of her front teeth a few days ago, and was particularly proud of the hole it left behind. She'd been excited to meet the tooth fairy, even wrote a thank you note and drew a picture of her holding her tooth out for the fairy.

“Whatever you want sweetie.” You smile as she pulls away, brushing her dark hair from her wide eyes.

But instead of going back to where Rosie is holding out her hand for Lou, she turns and hugs Ben’s leg where he stands next to you. Her head barely reaches the top of his knee, but it doesn't dissuade her from hugging him with all her might.

Ben stiffens, unsure what to do.

“Goodnight Ben.” Lou looks up at him with the same smile she had for you.

You feel your own lips begin to pull up at the edges to see how much Lou wanted Ben to like her, how much she was trying to make him feel at home. It warmed you heart.

Ben looks stunned for a minute, eyes flicking to yours wide, and Rosie looks angry, but slowly, Ben begins to smile. “Goodnight honey.” He rumbles giving her a pat on the head, because he's still not sure exactly how to handle this.

Lou smiles pleased with herself then lets Rosemary take her away waving once from over Rosemary's shoulder at Ben as Rosemary climbs the stairs in the direction of the room that Legend saved for them.

Ben stands there watching them go for a minute, lost in thought. “She doesn’t like me.”

“Lou? She loves you. Of course there’s a lot to love.” You smile, trying to take his hand, but Ben pulls away. His rejection pricks at your heart, you couldn't tell why he was doing that, why he was pulling away from you again.

Is he angry? At me? At Rosemary? Or Is this him being angry at himself all over again?

You thought that he was doing better up until you went to Rosemary’s apartment, thought that he wasn’t as upset about leaving you in the past. But now you weren’t sure.

“There’s a lot to hate.” He mutters, his eyes won't quite meet yours and the fear of him leaving begins to creep back, shuddering through your bones like the chill of a winter wind.

“As there is with anybody-“ You try to recover from his rejection, searching his face to understand why he was acting so different.

“I want Rosie to like me. I’m her father-“ He turns to stare at you, green eyes dark, filled with an clouding of emotions that strike you straight in the heart. It wasn't happiness, it wasn't love, it was something different, something that made a lump lodge itself in the back of your throat.

“I know Ben. She just needs some time-" You begin to say, reaching for him, but Ben steps away from you again, refusing to let you comfort him.

"Why did you tell her all those things about me? Did you really hate me that much?” Ben shouts, voice reverberating up the staircase, so loud that you're sure other people can hear you.

"What are you talking about-"

"All the shit that happened between us. Everything that happened that night. Everything I did-“

"She asked me for the truth and I didn't want to lie to her-" You try to explain.

You hadn't. You wanted her to know the truth about her father, just as she knew that truth about you. You thought that she deserved that. And it wasn't like you told Rosemary when she was three. You told her everything that happened when she was twenty three and she had just started seriously dating her future husband, when she was scared because she’d never felt that way about anyone before. And it reminded you of how you felt about the boy Ben used to be.

"I wish you had. Damnit y/n I'm her father, she should like me!" He seethes, fists clenched. Ben towers over you green eyes blazing in the soft light coming from the lights that line the hallway.

And somewhere deep down you start to feel angry. It comes surging up like the roar of a crowd pricking at the back of your spine until you can’t take it anymore.

"It's been 4 fucking hours since you met her, GIVE HER TIME."

"I can't believe you did this." Ben spits glaring at you.

"Are you serious right now?" Your mouth opens in shock.

Was this just some kind of joke? Is he really mad at me for this? Does he really think that I would do something like this purposely?!

"Did you really hate me that much? Did you really feel the need to turn her against me? Make her not love me?"

"I didn't turn her against you Ben. And I didn’t make her not love you." You snap back. "Yes I was angry with you, but that didn't mean that I didn't want you with me every single second in Rosemary's life. I didn’t want to do that alone. I shouldn’t have had to but I don't blame you for that. I’ve told you that-“

“Yeah you’re really showing that. You turned her against me. Made me some villain. Made me some monster who fucked you and then left-“

“I THOUGHT THAT’S WHAT YOU DID DIPSHIT!” You poke your finger into his chest. “Just because I’ve chosen to begin to forgive you does not mean I forgot what you did and what you said to me that night. But I’ll say this.”

He tries to open his mouth to retort, but you speak first.

“Every time something happened with Rosemary I turned to tell you and you weren’t there.

When I went into labor I wished you were there to hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be okay, I wished that you were there smiling down at her when you held her for the first time. When she took her first steps and fell on her butt I wished you were there to swing her around and make her laugh. When I showed her how to paint for the first time I wished that you were there to see how she was covered in paint from head to toe. And I only told her those things about you because she asked and I don’t lie to my family. I’ve never lied to Rosemary and I’ve never lied to you. Ever.”

Ben stands there stuck straight each muscle clenched, wether it be in frustration or anger you don’t care. Your own anger was coming back, unlocking from the place you shoved it down when you thought you needed to be the perfect person you wanted others to see you as and not the broken girl who lived with a hole in her heart for so long.

“And yeah maybe you can be in here and pout and fucking blame me for her hating you. And maybe I shouldn’t have told her those things but I did. I told her the good and the bad about you just as she knows the good and the bad about me. She can make her own decisions because she’s a damn adult. And don’t you dare say that I didn’t want you there every second. Because I did. Even though you fucking ripped my heart out and stomped all over it I still wished that you could have been there for her, could have filled her life with love as much as I did.”

"But you still did it." Ben growls.

And you realize that maybe this is it, maybe that this is the one thing that pushes him away from you.

"Fine. Hate me if you want. I'm going to get a drink. Don’t follow me." You snap before turning and stomping towards the kitchen, away from him, all the while hoping that he’ll follow after you.

But he doesn’t.

Despite wanting to grab one of the bottles of whiskey in Legend's kitchen, you restrain yourself and instead turn to the coffeemaker. It was fancier than yours, but you supposed that coffee would taste the same. You busy yourself with the steps of making the coffee to stop going over what you and Ben just yelled at one another, but your hands were still shaking.

Did he really think I didn't want him there? I mean yeah I was pissed from everything that happened, but I didn't want Rosemary to grow up without a father. I would have told him eventually that I was pregnant, I didn't want to do that alone.

You pour yourself a cup of coffee and lean back against the counter as you take a sip remembering the day you took the pregnancy test. It was more obvious than anything else, not the lack of your period but the morning sickness. You never got sick. You remembered being afraid at first, the thought of raising a child alone scared you. You weren't sure you even wanted to be a mother, because of everything yours put you through. But then you thought of Ben. Yes you hated him, but the baby might be the last part of him that existed anywhere. If you decided not to have it, Ben would really be gone and you would be alone all over again. So you decided to have Rosemary and you never regretted that decision. Especially now that she had Lou.

You roll the cup in your hands, feeling the warmth of the mug transfer into your palms.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her everything I did. But she knows everything about me. She knows that I killed Countess. She knows the good and bad about me. It felt unfair to only tell her the good about Ben, she deserves to know the truth. She's just upset. Honestly, she's also a upset with me as well for forgiving him or partially forgiving him.

You move to the kitchen table, stretching out in the worn wooden chair and place your mug down on the circular dark wood table. You wanted Rosemary to warm up to him, but at the same time you didn't want to get in between them. She needed to do this for herself and you didn't want to force them together.

You hear someone enter the kitchen. Probably Ben. But when you look up you realize that it's Butcher.

He stands just on the edge as if he's debating whether or not he wants to come in.

"Didn't realize you were still up." He raises an eyebrow. "Trouble in paradise love?"

"You realize that the V is completely out of your system right now right? And I could slowly peel your skin from your body with my mind if I wanted to?" You mirror his eyebrow raise while taking a sip of coffee.

"Eh. Worse ways to go." Butcher shrugs. "Anything stronger in here than coffee?"

"Top cabinet above the refrigerator. The good stuff is in the back. Legend usually tries to hide it from himself."

“Why?”

“Because he thinks it’s a waste to drink the good stuff when he’s really drunk and can’t appreciate it.”

“Seems fair.” Butcher finds the bottle of whiskey easily, moving to the cabinets to find a glass. “You want a cuppa?”

“I told myself I wasn’t going to-“ You pause for a moment thinking of how wonderful it would be if you could just forget for a few minutes. “But sure.”

“Coffee not working?”

“It never has.” You take the cup gratefully from his outstretched hand as Butcher folds himself into the chair next to you. It was weird to say the least. The only thing he had done was act hostile to you and now him being nice was enough to give you whiplash.

The rest of the house was completely silent, except the soft turn of pages. You figured that meant Rosie was reading one of her books to distract herself from everything that happened earlier.

I should be in there talking to her. Trying to explain all this.

But you were tired and still reeling from your fight with Ben and didn’t feel like getting into it with Rosemary for the second time today.

“So why’d you do it?” Butcher takes a big swig from the glass in front of him.

“What?”

“You lied about your powers to Vought for years. Why?”

You roll the glass between your fingers, watching the amber colored liquid slosh against the sides. “I’ll answer that if you answer my question.”

Butcher pauses. “Fine.”

“What did Homelander do to your wife?”

Butcher freezes, leaning back in his chair, one hand on his thigh curling into a fist.

"Legend told me that you had this thing for him because of it-" You continue cocking your head to the side examining Butcher's sudden tense stance.

“Not important.”

“Then I guess you won’t find out more about me.” You shrug.

After the past few days you didn't understand how you were here drinking with Butcher of all people. You still didn't completely trust him and you didn't like that he wanted to use Ben like he was his own personal nuclear bomb.

You both sit in the silence for a few minutes waiting for the other to break.

“He raped her.”

The words are heavy, expelled in a breath after Butcher drains his glass. For a minute you see his tough exterior crack, see the vulnerability in his stature, but then it's gone again. You feel your heart thud once in your chest, jaw locking. It only proved again how messed up Homelander was.

“Is she-"

"She's dead." He pours himself another full glass from the bottle of whiskey.

"I'm sorry." You whisper, starting to understand why he hated Homelander so much. Honestly if Homelander did something like that to my family I would rip him limb from limb.

For the first time since you met Butcher, you feel sorry for him, you understand where the sadness in his gaze comes from and where the tough exterior seems to mask the vulnerability underneath.

But at the same time, you refused to underestimate him.

Butcher nods once then glances over at you expectantly as if re-asking his question with only a look.

“It’s never been about the power for me. Or about proving how powerful I was to other people. I got the injection because Ben asked me to. It wasn't because I wanted to be superhuman or god-like or special. Plus I figured as soon as Vought or the government found out what I could really do then I’d never see the light of day again.”

"But how did you keep it a secret from Vought? They have so many fucking connections." He presses.

"Honestly Ben and I didn't figure it out until the 60s."

"Why is that?"

"The first time I died it wasn't a supe that killed me so there wasn't a change. But later when more supes started coming out of the woodwork, that's when we realized it. And I didn't care."

"Somehow you had to care." Butcher leans forward in his chair, looking at you like you're crazy.

"I didn't have a reason to. Ben liked the spotlight and I didn't."

“Is that why you stopped being Indigo?”

“It’s my turn to ask a question cowboy.” You tap your glass with a smile. “Who’s Ryan?” You had heard Hughie and Butcher whisper the name a few times, figured that it was another supe they were planning to merc.

He hesitates. “Homelander’s kid.”

“He has a kid?” Your mouth drops open in shock.

How does Butcher know that? Is it because he's so obsessed with Homelander that he's going to ask Ben to go after Homelander's son? No. No way. Like hell I'm gonna let this guy kill a kid.

You try to think of a reason why Vought would keep Homelander's son out of the media, a reason why they wouldn't show that the golden boy had a perfect son.

“But how I mean-“ You stop tracing Butcher's face, watching the way his eyes harden, and how his jaw locks together and you realize why Butcher knows about Homelander's kid. “Your wife.”

Butcher doesn’t answer, doesn't confirm what you've said, instead he pours more from the bottle into his glass.

Wow that’s fucked up.

“I’d say I'm sorry again, but I don’t think it’s going to help and honestly I thought my life was way more fucked up than yours. Guess not.” You take a sip from the glass in front of you. It burns pleasantly as it travels down you throat reminding you how much you missed it. “It got old quick.”

“What did?” Butcher looks up from the wooden table.

“Being a hero dealing with all that Vought shit. Plastering a smile on my face, flaunting in front of the cameras, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Ben liked it. He was always in the spotlight, the golden boy and I was too, but we’d been doing it for years and I always- I don’t know- wanted a family.”

Your mind suddenly goes back to the night you told Ben that, the night that you told him what you wanted and how today Ben professed that he wanted to be the one to give you those things, always had wanted to give you those things.

The fight you just had resurfaces in your mind, thinking of how angry he was at you for telling Rosemary the truth about him.

I made my choice. She made hers. One day I think she'll warm up to him, but until then he's just going to have to get through this.

Just because you believed that did not make it any easier. Your heart was tearing in two. You wanted Rosemary to love him the way you did, but at the same time you were scared all over again that this would all be too much for Ben, too dramatic. He didn't like drama, never seemed to.

“Really?” Butcher doesn’t look convinced by your confession.

“Yeah. Plus I was pregnant with Soldier Boy's kid. Vought was obsessed with Ben and I know that if they knew about Rosemary they wouldn't hesitate to take her away. It would have been worse if they knew what my power was. I doubt they would have let either of us vanish into thin air. But even before that I was seriously thinking about getting out-“

“And Soldier Boy fucking Countess was the final nail in the coffin eh?” Butcher's smirk makes your stomach flip flop.

You were still trying to forget that. Really trying to forget that.

“Yeah.” You grumble into the glass momentarily remembering the night at the premiere, but this time seeing them together doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. And instead it’s replaced by Ben the past few days, the one that continued to reassure you of his love, the one who continued to hold you close to him, the one that kissed you whenever he could, the one who patiently waited for you, and the one who reminded you of the boy you lost all those years ago.

Butcher watches you for a moment. “I’m sorry. That must’ve been hard.”

You look at him surprised. It was the first time that Butcher seemed to actually, well, give a shit.

“Thanks. It was.” You wait a second. “So how did you meet Hughie?”

“Why is that important?”

“Because he’s nothing like you. He’s a good kid.”

“You sayin I ain’t a good person love?”

“Yes that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Butcher has the audacity to smile. “You know what I think? I think you pretend to be a good person but you’re really just a bitch who probably didn’t get enough hugs as a kid.”

You lean back in your chair feigning shock. “Is it that obvious?”

He shakes his head with a chuckle. “I don’t see how you got mixed up with Soldier Boy in the first place.”

“I did tell you.”

“What?”

“I didn’t lie about some of the things I said to you the first time we met. Ben and I grew up together. We were friends before all of this.”

“And you what? Followed him?”

“Something like that.”

Butcher sits there for a second tapping his finger on the crystal glass in his hand. Everything in Legend's home was vintage or old, the glasses included. You could remember drinking out of these same glasses years ago, on the porch behind Legend's house the day you realized you were pregnant and you told him you were leaving.

Legend didn't know, but you think deep down he did. Anyone who knew Ben couldn't dismiss how much Rosemary looked like him. Not to mention Legend knew what happened that night between the two of you.

Butcher opens his mouth, but as he does, Ben appears in the kitchen doorway. He still looks a little angry, frown prominent on his face, but his green eyes look from the glass to Butcher to you.

"That's my cue." Butcher grunts. "See you in the morning poppet." He vanishes down the hallway behind Ben leaving the two of you alone in the kitchen. It seems smaller with him standing there in the door, blocking most of it with his broad shoulders and wide stance.

"Are you going to come to bed?" He crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the doorway.

"Are you going to start yelling at me again?" You raise an eyebrow.

"I wasn’t fucking yelling." Ben grumbles. "And even if I was, you weren't exactly whispering."

"Sounded like yelling to me." You frown at him, before looking down at your glass again.

So much for an apology. Then again I probably owe him one too.

Ben’s jaw tightens. “Please come to bed.” His voice is composed, but you can still hear the tinge of his anger seep through.

"Surprised you said please. Finally using those manners I've heard so much about." You snark before you can stop yourself.

That is not helping anything.

"Come to bed." His teeth are gritted together.

“Why?"

"Because I said so."

"You are not my dad Ben. You can't just order me around."

"Just fucking come to bed!" He snaps straightening from the door, eyes blazing.

"Why is it so important I come to bed Ben? You need me to read you a bedtime story or something? Or is it because you want to have sex? I hate to break it to you, but I don’t really feel like having sex with you right now. And I don't think I will anytime soon if we keep fucking fighting about stupid-“

“Because I can’t sleep without you there damnit! I never have been able to even when we were fucking kids!"

You pause shocked. Ben had never admitted that before. You were still trying to get used to when he admitted that he loved you how open and vulnerable he’d been, but this-

He’s frowning at you waiting for you to say something, but when you don’t. He turns and stalks back towards the stairs to descend into the basement where the bedroom the two of you were sharing was.

Guilt breaks something in your chest, because now sitting out here felt like a punishment for him and you didn't think that was right.

Damn it.

You wash out the mug in the sink followed by the glass, but you look at the half-full bottle on the table.

Maybe I should bring it with me?

It swings from your hand as you walk down the dimly lit hallway descending into the fully furnished basement. You weren't thrilled with the room, had insisted that Legend change the sheets and spray down the room before you could sleep in there. You knew him, and knew exactly what had happened Legend's house since he had it custom built years ago.

Ben is sitting on the edge of the bed, smoking a blunt that he probably got from Butcher, who seemed to have an endless supply for Ben, much to your annoyance.

"I'm such a fucking pussy. I shouldn't have said that." He mutters more to himself than to you. His gaze is lowered on the shag carpet.

It was the first time that you'd heard him say something like that since he came back to you, something that sounded more like Soldier Boy than the boy you grew up with, sounded more like Ben's father.

"Ben." You sigh, putting the bottle on the bedside table, before you tilt his head back to look at you, hand cupping his chin. "You're not a pussy. I can't sleep without you either and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don't want you to feel like you can't say stuff like that to me. I love you and I won't judge you for that or think less of you. I will judge you for saying stupid shit like you did earlier."

“I’m sorry.” He sighs out a breath of smoke. “I just hate that she doesn’t like me. I’m her father she should like me-“ He repeats the same idea from earlier.

“She just needs to warm up to you."

“Maybe.” Ben mutters. "Or maybe she won't."

He looks upset. But not his usually angry upset, more disappointed and you decide that’s worse. Ben was so strong and didn’t allow himself to give in to his emotions the same way everyone else did. You hated that about him, but you were the only person who knew why. Ben's father had made him believe that showing emotion made you weak, you were there a few times that he yelled at Ben, heard the horrible things that he shouted at his only son, and it broke your heart. If it was your lot in life to bring him peace, to show him love, and to teach him that it was okay to be vulnerable, you happily would bear that cross.

You gently push back on his shoulder so he’ll move his forearms where they rest on his thighs and so you can sit on his lap. Ben’s arm comes around your waist to hold you to him, while the other continues to rest between you when he takes another drag from the blunt. “Ben, I promise she will.” Your knees rest on either side of his hips as you balance on him, ignoring the urge to wrinkle your nose at the smell.

“Your family never seems to like me.”

“She’s your family too and Lou loves you.” You brush his hair back from his face and he leans forward into your touch. "She's an excellent judge of character. Pretty soon she's gonna be drawing you in the family portraits and once that happens you're in, there's nothing stopping you."

Ben's mouth twitches but he doesn’t smile. "She's cute."

“She is. And if she likes you, you’re doing something right.” You smile at him. “And my family liked you it was just my mom who thought you were the devil. My brother thought that you were okay and my dad liked you plenty. Remember he never ratted you out when you slept in my room?”

“He was a good man. We would talk sometimes.” Ben blows out a lungful of smoke and this time your nose wrinkles at the offensive smell, before you realize what he’s just admitted.

Ben notices your discomfort and flicks the blunt into the ashtray shaped like a naked woman on the bedside table.

“About what?” Your father had never mentioned any conversation with Ben or at least you didn't remember him saying anything about Ben, beside your father's usual questions as to what Ben and you were going to do that day.

“You.” Ben whispers, not meeting your eye.

“When?”

“Sometimes I’d come try to see you when you were out with Howard." Ben sighs his name. "Ended up talking with your dad.”

“Are you serious?”

He nods hands gently stroking along your waist.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you came by?”

“Didn’t think it was important Sweetheart.” Ben pauses eyes flicking up sheepishly to look at you. "I didn't want you to think that I was hanging around waiting for you to get back. I was but-" You can tell that it pains him to say it, like he didn't want to admit he cared, but the thought that he came by to check on you made you happy.

“What did you say about me?”

Ben presses his lips together.

“Ben?”

“He wanted to know how your artwork was coming along, what we had done in the past week. Stuff like that. One time he said he didn’t like Howard either.”

“What?" Your hands tighten on Ben's shoulders in shock.

“He said that he hated the way you looked whenever Howard came around and then he said if he was gonna give his permission for anyone to marry you it was going to be me.” Ben shrugs it off as if he hasn’t said the most shocking thing you’ve ever heard in your life.

Your father would ask you about Ben occasionally and only when your mother left the room. He always seemed pleased when Ben would come pick you up, one time he gave Ben some money so he could buy tickets when you both went to a carnival, but you had no idea that they had talked about Ben marrying you.

“Hold on. Did you-" You pause for a second. "Did you ask my father if you could marry me?”

“No.” Ben answers quickly.

“Well then did he say why he didn't like Howard?"

“He said he liked how happy I made you. Said that you would always be singing in your room after you saw me.” Ben smiles one of his hands curving around your hip to hold you steady on his lap. “I told him I was sorry he had to hear that. You have many talents y/n, but singing is not one of them.”

“I don’t want to hear it from you. There’s about a million tapes of you trying to sing, not to mention you trying to dance. I wanted to jump out the window when you dragged me to that Solid Gold Music Video shoot.“ You roll your eyes at him.

Ben presses a hand to his chest as if offended. “You don’t like the way I dance? Because I happen to remember a few times that we’ve danced together and you certainly seemed to be having a good time.”

“I’m a good actress.”

“Sure.” Ben snorts. “Then again I think I’m good a few other things too. Things that I wouldn’t mind showing you sometime.” His arm wraps around your waist as he pulls you into his chest, lips catching along the shadow of your jaw.

“You’re awfully sure of yourself I’ll say that.” You laugh.

"Mhmm." The rumble of his answer seems to vibrate down your spine spreading warmth in its wake.

"Ben." You warn, as his hands begin to play with the bottom of your shirt.

"I know." He whispers raising his eyes again to look at your face with a soft smile, but you can still see a flicker of disappointment behind them.

Deep down you knew that you were getting closer to forgiving him, but it had only been two days, and everything between the two of you was still a little rocky. You wanted things to calm down again before you took that big step with Ben again. You didn't want to rush it, and you could see that Ben didn't want to either.

"How about tonight, we do something a little different." You trace your index finger over his lips, loving the soft curve beneath the pad of your fingertip.

"What do you mean?" He looks confused.

"You'll see." You murmur against his lips as you drop your mouth down to his, losing yourself in him all over again.

A/N: I know it's been a while guys and I know it's crazy to end it on another cliffhanger but... I'm sorry, not sorry? I hope y'all enjoyed this one. I'm sorry it took me a while to get it out, the writer's block is turning into a soul sucking abyss, but honestly, what's new? 😂 Hope that y'all enjoyed this one and I'm excited to hear what y'all think!

As always thank you so much for reading! If you'd like to be added to my taglist for the series let me know:)

(Also if you have asked to be apart of the taglist and you are not being notified- I am trying to fix it, but it's being weird. Please let me know if you haven't received a notification.)

Taglist: @roseblue373 @anundyingfidelity @cheynovak @cassiecasluciluce @muhahaha303

@deans-spinster-witch @kayleighmeister @demodemo909 @fruitfacess @bobbobbobinogs

@bughill126 @simplyfixated

#soldier boy x you #soldier boy #soldier boy x female reader #soldier boy x reader #soldier boy/ben #jensen ackles soldier boy #jensen ackles #soldier boy fanfiction #the boys amazon #the boys fanfic #billy butcher #hughie campbell #soldier boy x y/n #soldier boy fic #the boys s3 #the boys season 3 #the boys tv #the boys series #the boys

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icyminghao · 4 months ago

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the world of fiction

pairing: jihoon x gn!reader genre: fluff, crack, established relationship, drabble warning(s): mentions of death (of fictional characters) word count: 0.7k

summary: jihoon comes home to the sound of you crying, and he’s utterly confused as to why.

Coming home to the sound of you crying was not what Jihoon expected to be greeted with.

But he’s here now, in this very moment, feet rooted to the floor as he faintly hears your muffled sobs from the bedroom.

Jihoon freezes, racking his brain for anything that could have happened in the past twenty-four hours that could have upset you.

Did he do something wrong? Not that he’s aware of. Did you have a bad day at work? You took the day off, citing a self-care day. Are you mad that he wasn’t here to accompany you? You specifically told him not to waste his breaks despite his insistence, reassuring him that you were probably just going to sleep in and finish the manga you were hooked on recently.

Right, Jihoon’s eyes widen, you said you were going to finish the manga.

In all his years of knowing and loving you, Jihoon will never get used to the way you tend to get emotionally attached to whatever you read or watch.

To him, the ending of a story just means that he can move on to another, but to you, the ending of a story is like the end of a world you’ve grown much too fond of. The reality of having to part with the characters and the story always puts you in a depressed state for a few days at the least.

It’s why Jihoon tends to gift you books or recommend you shows that are part of a long series, so you can stay in their world for longer.

Quickly removing his shoes, Jihoon practically bolts to your shared bedroom upon recalling your plan for the day, and sure enough, you’re curled up on your side of the bed, one hand clutching the last volume of the manga Jihoon had recommended a while back and sobbing into your pillow.

You lock eyes with Jihoon’s worried ones as he stands by the bedroom door, and you start sobbing even harder.

“y/n…” Jihoon carefully walks closer towards you, slowly sitting beside you as he reaches for your free hand.

“Ji…” you whine in between sobs, “I finished the manga.”

Jihoon resists the urge to smile at how cute you’re being right now. “I know, baby. How was it?”

“It’s so… sad!” you sniffle, moving to bury your head in Jihoon’s lap as you wrap your arms around his torso. “Too many people died. But they were all reincarnated and happy at the end, so I am, too…”

Jihoon smiles, very evidently endeared by your rambling. He looks down at your tear-stricken face, wiping away your stray tears with his thumbs. “It’s a happy ending, baby, don’t cry.”

“I’m just sad that it’s over, Ji,” you pout, and Jihoon cups your face with both hands. “Thank you for recommending the manga to me.”

Jihoon hums. “It’s not over yet, you know.”

Upon processing the words that left your boyfriend’s mouth, you sit up, eyes widening in anticipation. “There’s more?”

Jihoon chuckles.

While he was picking out what to recommend to you, the deciding factor came down to its length (provided that the story was good, of course). Jihoon knew you would devour books or mangas in record speed, so he came prepared.

And what better than a manga series and an anime series?

“They adapted the manga series into an anime,” Jihoon explains, watching as your eyes light up, “It’s not complete yet, but the last arc is coming soon in the form of three movies.”

You squeal, practically pouncing on your boyfriend as you engulf him in a bear hug. Jihoon falls backwards onto the bed from the impact, laughing.

“It’s not over!” You exclaim, “Where can I watch the anime? Have you watched it yet?”

Jihoon rolls over so the both of you are now lying on your sides, looking into each other’s eyes. He shakes his head.

“I haven’t. I was waiting for you so we could watch it together.”

“I love you.” you declare immediately, and Jihoon blushes furiously before letting out the softest, most endeared laugh.

“I love you too, baby.”

Jihoon may never get used to the way you tend to get emotionally attached to whatever you read or watch, but he sure as hell will do anything to let you enjoy the various worlds you end up in for as long as possible.

a/n: i have been. like. word vomiting in my wips and i feel like everything i write is so bad it is absolutely unpublishable but i just finished demon slayer and i got so sad so i decided to write this. very self-indulgent i love demon slayer the last arc broke me and i’m so excited for the movies. need somebody to match my freak like jihoon does for reader here

taglist (send an ask to be added!): @slytherinshua @viscade @pepperonidk @belladaises @tastymintchocolate @kwantaro-deactivated20240614 @chanceonceli @hrts4hanniehae @leehanascent @nonononranghaee

masterlist

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navybrat817 · 7 months ago

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The Dad Diaries: Grief

Pairing: Dad!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader Summary: Bucky explains grief to Jamie as best as he can when you need a minute to yourself. Word Count: Over 1.2k Warnings: Angst, hurt/comfort, touch of fluff, grief, loss of a friend, reflecting, talk of death, feels (it's me), Bucky Barnes (he's a warning and a dad, okay?). A/N: Another part to the The Dad Diaries . Hope you lovelies enjoy. ❤️ Not beta read and written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Divider by the talented @firefly-graphics. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

Bucky could hear your cries before he reached the bedroom, the sound causing a lump to form in his throat. He could picture you hastily wiping at your face when he knocked. You were in pain and it hurt him to know you were hurting. The worst part was that it wasn’t the kind of pain he could fix by patching it up. It was the kind of hurt that lingered beneath the surface before it clawed its way out.

Grief.

“Do you need anything, doll?” He asked.

“Just give me a minute, please!” You called out, your voice close to sounding like your normal self. You were trying your best to be strong when what you needed was a moment to break. People didn’t realize the weight of the things they carried until they buckled under them.

And you didn’t need to be strong all the time.

“Mama?” Jamie asked, reaching a hand out toward the door.

Bucky kissed the top of his head. “Mama needs a minute,” he whispered before he held him against his chest. He hoped his smell and steady heart beat soothed him. “She’ll snuggle up with you soon, okay?”

If anything could make you feel better apart from being in his arms, it was having your son nuzzle against you.

Jamie made a small sound, his lower lip trembling. “Mama,” he said again.

Bucky didn’t take it to heart that his son wanted you. He understood that there were days when he’d want his dad and other days he’d want his mom and times when he’d want both of you. If anything, he felt proud that his son wanted to go to you. Maybe he sensed that you needed support and love.

“I know you want your mama,” he said, carrying him back to the living room. “But you are stuck with me for another minute.”

Jamie moved his head, his eyes set in a stubborn stare. He looked so much like you at that moment, demanding with a look to know what was the matter and how to fix it. What could he say?

“Jamie, you know how you have your Uncle Steve and Uncle Sam and Aunt Nat and everyone else?” He asked, a sad smile touching his lips at the happy look in his little boy’s eyes at the mention of his friends. He wanted his child to hold onto that innocence for as long as he could. “Well, your mama had a friend who was going to be like an aunt to you, too.”

Was. Past tense. Because your friend recently passed away. You wondered if she knew how important she was to you. If she knew how she impacted your life. She was too young in your eyes to go. Still had so many things she wanted to do. While death is fair in that it comes for everyone, it doesn’t always feel fair when someone you care for is taken away too soon.

The one thing you were thankful for was that she was no longer in pain.

“Mama’s friend, your aunt, isn’t here anymore. She misses her and she’s sad that she’s gone.”

“Mama sad?” Jamie repeated, his eyes wide.

“Yeah, Nugget. She’s very sad. Grieving. And grief is… so many things,” Bucky explained, swallowing a bit as he felt a crack in his heart. “It’s loss and mourning. It’s love that you carry inside and it no longer has a place to go.”

Jamie gazed at him, soaking up every word. His son was too young to hear something like this. Too precious. But if life taught him anything, it’s that it was too short and there was no guarantee of tomorrow.

“Some days the grief comes out of nowhere. You never really know when it’ll happen or why. You may hear a song you’ve heard dozens of times before or catch a scent of something familiar and it triggers a memory or feeling,” he told him, kissing his forehead again because he needed to ground himself. “You think you’re fine and then you fall apart.”

That was exactly what had happened a few minutes prior. You were smiling one moment as the three of you sat in the living room and the next you burst into tears before you rushed out. Bucky wished like hell he could’ve manifested your sadness into something tangible so he could snuff it out. It wasn’t his battle to fight, but he could be by your side to wipe the tears away if you let him. Or whisper words of care. Or to say nothing at all. Some didn’t always want to hear words of comfort or hope when they just needed to feel.

He would be there to give you whatever you needed or asked for.

“It’s okay to feel those feelings, Jamie. I get sad, too. There’s no timeline for healing or grieving. It takes as long as it takes. And we’re lucky in a way to feel things so strongly,” he told him. You were always understanding and patient on his off days. He more than lucked out by having you as his wife. “You know what your Uncle Vis says grief is? That it’s love persevering,” he added, bouncing him a bit to make him smile. It put a smile on his face, too. “And your mama has so much love to give.”

“So do you.”

Bucky looked toward the doorway where you stood. Bloodshot and puffy eyes, but with a small smile on your beautiful face. He wanted to hold you and remind you that you weren’t alone. “Hey,” he said as Jamie reached for you. “I think he wants to cheer you up.”

“Is that right? Well, I think a snuggle with my boys is just the thing I need,” you said as you took a seat beside Bucky and took Jamie into your arms. “Sorry I rushed off like that.”

“Don’t be,” Bucky whispered. He had plenty of moments where he needed to step away and compose himself when his thoughts got too loud. “We just want you to be okay,” he added, kissing your temple before Jamie grabbed your face.

“Mama no sad,” he said, forcing your cheeks up in a smile. The sight almost brought tears to Bucky’s eyes because it was so simple and heartfelt. “No sad.”

You giggled, a soft sound, before it erupted into full blown laughter. It soothed the crack he felt earlier in his heart. The room felt brighter, especially when Jamie joined in with the laughter. “Not sad, Nugget,” you assured him before you looked at your husband, love shining through like always. “Not anymore.”

The grief from your loss would come again in waves. Just like the days Bucky mourned the parts of his life he lost and couldn’t get back. Some days were harder than others, especially when regret and “what if’s” came to mind, but the important thing was that neither of you allowed yourselves to live alone or lose yourselves in grief. Not when there was so much to be thankful for.

You felt what you needed to feel. You asked for help and leaned on each other. And you carried on together.

Because what is grief, if not love persevering?

I lost more than one loved one recently and writing this helped me process some of the loss. We all need someone like Bucky. Love and thanks for reading. ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

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ardensregias · 8 months ago

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SEEING AVENTURINE IN THE LIVESTREAM MADE ME THINK ABOUT MEMOKEEPER! READER WITH HIM :o

I mean since he have such a tragic past, it would be very interesting to see someone who can look into his memories as a Sigonian

I'm so happy you like him too (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠) hope I'm not troubling you

not at all :3 this will contains some leaks and fanarts i've seen about his past! may not be 100% accurate. also memokeepers can choose who they want to be visible to, but i'm not sure about the fortune telling part. this still looks bad despite being in my draft for days goddamn.

the first time he met you was when you're passing by ipc's pier point, only to spot an exhausted aventurine splayed on his million-credit couch.

since memokeepers are able to become invisible, you curiously approach his room, intrigued by his wealth. and out of kindness, you carefully moved him into his bed, before finding his 'aventurine' stone—which indicates his importance to the corporation.

your growing curiosity led you to pry into his past, watching all the hardships and suffering he had to go through during his childhood, which was supposed to be filled with joy and laughter. instead, you watch as they place thick and heavy chains around his neck and wrists, left him with little to no food, marked his neck with the word 'slave', and force the poor boy to work tirelessly. scene after scene plays out like a film, as a proof of just how cruel the ipc can be.

you stopped looking into his memories, tears forming in the corner of your eyes. you would never guess that this easygoing and arrogant man hides such a past.

eventually, you start following him around—watching him gamble, standing in the corner when he sleeps, even sneaking into the ipc's annual meeting just to make sure he's safe. you find him fascinating, the way he can acts so haughty while having experienced so many things he should never have gone through.

until one day, aventurine's guts tell him to catch this strange, mysterious creature that has been stalking him. but you're so hard to catch, so hard that he has to pretend to sleep to make you lower your guard and make yourself visible.

"snooping around again, little memokeeper?" he chuckles the moment you turn around in surprise. you do want to show yourself to him, but not this early! and when you tried to escape, he caught your hand just before you could teleport, pulling you closer, "since you already know so much about me, i can't possibly let you roam freely anymore,"

so now you live with a rich senior manager of the largest corporation in the cosmos, always stuck to his side—aventurine wouldn't like it if you were to use the knowledge about his past for something that'll ruin his business!

he spoils you, of course—while ignoring the weird look he gets from his subordinates and acquaintances when they saw him talking to the air. so you take care of him in return! comforting him when he has a bad day and making sure he did not forget his meals.

this is a memokeeper's love language me thinks: you also create light cones of the moments when he's the happiest—which are usually when you're around, and you bring them to the garden of recollection to make sure you have something to remember him when the fated day comes. aventurine also keeps some of these rectangle objects in his room, and he probably gaze at the pictures when you're away collecting memories.

bonus: imagine aventurine asking you to reveal his luck for today before he went to gamble, to which you refuse, since memokeepers cannot use their powers for self-indulgent reasons—congrats, now you have earned yourself a pouty aven!

#cottage's mailbox｡#hsr fluff #hsr x gender neutral reader #hsr x reader #aventurine x reader #aventurine x you

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cutieeva · 2 months ago

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Lost

Female reader

Warnings : Mention of infidelity. Trauma. Stalking.

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒

Once trust is broken, it is harder than we think to mend it as it once was. A definition of (Y/N)'s relationship.

Perfection.

What a odd word isn't it ? something every being wants to learn and showcase yet behind close doors we all know in the back of our minds it's impossible. After all, perfection is a word for fake which is the opposite of what people want— real, something that is permanent, something that could be held, captured, savored. Perfection is a skill both admired and envied upon and (Y/N) can't help but come to doubt the perfection she once fell for.

Cameron. The man of perfection and the man she fell for only to doubt his every little move now. His gentle smile adoring the moment of her sight, eyes crinkling at the side by how large the happiness is craved out of him. It's sweet, truly, never did it not warm her heart and cast thousand butterflies on her stomach by how beautifully happy he looked to see her, and her only but suddenly she has come to doubt if it's even genuine or not. Suddenly she notice the smile too wide, too large, too happy, too fake that she wants ask. After all how it's possible to bright up so much like a sun glowed in the sky by seeing one person even if it's her who is his girlfriend. How ?

Just like now the moment of her heels touch the ground making a satisfying clicking noise entering a room, once their eyes met and he shine like the brightest sun she never imagined to have for herself. Again those tender lips, sparkling eyes too clear for any stranger to know he loves her and hard.

"How lucky ?"

"Awww !"

"Bless him".

"Lucky her"

These would be the frequent comments utter from literal stranger's mouths and perhaps— no for sure her past self could blindly agree dwelling into her own version of fairytale where Cameron was her prince charming and she, a pleasant he fell for. Well, at least that what in collage they are known for. The modern version of Cinderella, a very....interesting title it was when it first pass her ears yet time pass and it turn into a nasty taunting name for her as if hinting at something she was unaware like a insider joke that she was an outsider. Even her lovely boyfriend seems to hate it not at her level of hate like she despise it. Wishes to burn every tongue that ever deicide to merely utter that to her. Only if she could do she wish.

"Darling, sit". Like a gentleman he is pull her chair and let her sit on the wooden cold surface facing her own parents who seems to be in awe staring at their daughter's relationship as if it's a angel asked for her hand when he in her view seem nothing but a human good at masking his flaws, too well for her liking. Because see, the way those slender pale hands caress her own hand under the table like she is a flower touched carefully yet softly almost melt her heart if it didn't turn into stone now. (Y/N) didn't care to hold back, blankly staring at the white empty plate served in front of everyone and she like a doll waited to be served food despite having no hunger or whatsoever. Slowly she move her head, her (E/C) eyes watching the same smile craved out of him, towards her parents holding huge utensils to serve the meal he specially made to impress his future in-laws, his words not hers.

"Oh ! son, you don't have to do it !" Her father said, laughing carefree.

"It's okay, father. Let me at least have the honor to serve the elders". Kindly her boyfriend utter.

"Such a good man. How lucky my daughter is to have you". Placing one palm under her cheek, her mother watched him in pure delight.

"It's the opposite. Actually I am lucky to have her". His bashful comment earned more heart points than it already been taken as they laughed, enjoyed, indulge in their little bubbles that (Y/N) almost forget it's her parents and she is their family in here not him looking as if he is their son yet truly, in her angle she invisible, forgettable, easily a abandon thing that's why she use to question herself a lot. Why did he choose her ? why did he love her ? what is so special about her ? how could she not when he had oceans of girls waiting to just be looked by him, in campus he is the prince every girl dream and every boy befriend due to his looks, personality, popularity, riches. Coming from a wealthy family and still be a humble polite man isn't a daily view for everyone to see, he truly seemed like a sun to everyone, beautiful to look at but never be touched and owned, yet she a nobody has the chance to become a infamous girl who tame the sun. Perfect elements to gossip, spread rumors, talk down to.

Never passed a day did no one ever forget to remind her how insignificant she was to him and he was there to catch her, in his warmth of arms to show how significant she is to him and him alone and that all it matter and that it all took for her to be a idiot in love.

"Honey, eat before it's cold". Sweet his voice is, kind his eyes are that bore into her blank ones— deviod of love or any emotions, she doesn't know if he pretends to be blind to her lack of response or he simply doesn't care enough. Wordlessly she turn her head down to her this time meal served on plate— her favorite dish and their first date dinner together.

Carelessly her fingers wrap around the cold sliver fork like her heart tremble feeling and about to dig when ever so smoothly, like a cream of butter he swap the plate from hers to his. Smiling ear to ear boozing of tenderness. "Eat mine, yours is cold already". She didn't need to glance up to see her parents reaction or the warmth coming from him. She stilled like time does when a watch is broken, tramped. Listening to the clicks of plates, giggles of their voices, quiet noises of chewing, shower of compliments regarding the dish and still she didn't touch her food. Hunger seems to left her, emotions seems numbs, voices of them seem tiny and the reality feels surreal.

Oddly her visions seem distorted and water drops falling on top of the dish and something inside tells her it's will taste sour.

Is it raining ?

"(Y/N)...". Cameron's voice turn delicate, carefully calling her name. "Why are you crying ?" At the end of his sentence his voice cracked as if he was the one crying.

Oh. (Y/N) realize, blinking her tears away dripping to her meal, she discover more that it is indeed raining however inside her. More sour tears roll down, her lips didn't sob, her expression remained blank yet her tears fell one after another worrying her family and Cameron.

"I am sorry, Mister and Mrs. (L/N) but (Y/N) seems to be not herself and she needs time. Hopefully you will excuse us". Swiftly her body met his embrace, cold, hard unlike the light and mellow she was used to. "How fake". She thought letting him whisk her away in the car, watching her home disappear into the night and arrive in their shared apartment near their university and she find herself in their shared bed, feeling his choice of fabric underneath her skin, melting into his arms underneath her skin as he tenderly pat her back, rock her body like a baby, place her head on his chest, caressing her head and humming a song, a song they discover at their third date they like. "How cruel". She thought, dried tears on cheeks, not a shred of comfort she is finding nor searching. You can't expect to find gem in plastic can you ? so does she, staying motionless.

"Honey, can you please wait, I need to quickly go to washroom okay ?" Assuring like a child, he kiss her forehead deeply before pulling away leaving her alone with her thoughts and the room. The thud of door closing was almost unheard if not for the silence she was surrounded in when another noise pierce through the air.

Ding !

Her (E/C)'s flicker to the phone screen lit on the desk. His phone and she knew she had to look, to confirm her suspicions and catch the man red handed unlike the first time. How ironic, before such thoughts won't even cross her mind and now like a plague it's everywhere poisoning her, killing her softly. Her hand like a vice hold his phone the notification read inside her mind. 'Meet me tomorrow secretly'.

The door open revealing Cameron who came as fast as he could to console (Y/N) and his eyes met hers where she is sitting as before with his phone kept on the wooden cupboard and he smiles again bathing her in utter devotion. "Disgusting". Her eyes daze in disappointment. She knew he was having an affair, after the confront incident they had, never was they the same and will never. He never changed but she did and they both are aware of this yet no one dare speak out loud afraid of the illusion they built together to crumble once again.

"I will do it again". She decide tomorrow to end it all. For good.

Tomorrow came faster than she expected even by not finding a ounce of sleep, the other side of her bed felt heavy with his weight reminding of his suffocating presence at the same time he seems not to be present or maybe she is one instead of him.

"I can't go to university". Her vague answer didn't look to affect him as he lean in to close the gap of their lips, slender fingers stroke her either (S/C) cheeks and loving lips mold hers and starstruck eyes stare into her. A endearing moment she wished to capture if not for the knot inside her stomach wants to pull away, slap away.

"Okay, rest as much as you wish". He easily took her wish like she easily fell under his spell. Watching the man she loves pull away and go out taking his belonging to university which she knows is a lie. He is meeting behind her back and repeating the same heart tugs moments on another woman.

The moment (Y/N) felt him driving away on his car, she wore a white hat, a random coat and sat on the cab she booked few minutes ago and told the driver to follow the white car while her eyes dart from her her phone screen looking at the GPS tracking on his phone to his real time car, the tracker was set on him long ago not yesterday where she didn't even had the chance to unlock and read their chat properly because the password isn't what she thought, what she hoped. Her birthday nor his was enough to unlock. Another proving point of how fake his exhausting pretense of loving boyfriend is after all no lover boy as him would not set her birthday as his password. She knew what a ploy is once she sees though it and once was a mistake, twice would be intentional.

The car stopping snap her attention and she watch him go out of car and inside not the university he lied to but to a hotel. A luxurious one even she wasn't invited by him. How special the girl has to be, prettier ? younger ? richer ? doesn't matter when it ends all.

Hurried her footsteps were, walking though the doors opened by the guards and following him waking pass the lobby into somewhere else like he was familiar with the surrounding, nodding heads with the receptionists who mirror his actions and her heart skip more, odd emotions flood in she unable to understand.

She paused. Finally her eyes wide.

In front of her stood the same loving boyfriend hugging a girl passionately, grinning ear to ear and sat besides each other tasting meals like a date of rich people. Indeed she is far beautiful, charismatic, wealthier. Watching them enjoy, exchange dishes like a couple makes a odd sense of relief and betrayal wash her and without shame her feet march towards them, not a second pass of them finally noticing her, she smash the very dish he is enjoying to his face earning a yelp from her and (Y/N) did it again and again and again until stuff members of hotel pulled her away.

"I hate you cheater !" Cameron with difficulty look up, staring at her with pain, sadness ignited anger, disgust and satisfy inside her. Anger for how dare he acts to be in pain when the knife stab her and she is bleeding. Disgust to find the boy she thought the most beautiful so ugly and satisfy at least she brought him the same pain he did if not less.

"(Y/N) !" A familiar exclaimed turn her head. "What are you doing ?" A disbelief grasp slice the air by her best friend, Sophia and other boys and girls she knew from university. But what caught her eyes is the balloons held on their palms written Happy birthday (Y/N).

"W-what is going on ?" Her words stutter and in the split second the familiar place blur to strange, filled with questions and unreal like the knowledge she grasp was also a ploy she mistaken.

"My darling, today is your birthday and I was hoping to surprise you". His eyes relaxed as he tried to step to her to which she step back not wanting to believe his words. How could it be possible, it's impossible for her to forget her own birthday and even if she did, he was the liar at the end. A fake person. "This girl is the daughter of this restaurants and helped me to arrange the best dishes only". No. No. No. No. She shake her head, what prove does he have he is not lying.

"It's true, we are here to tell him your favorite likes, dislikes". Sofia answered averting her eyes as if too offended at her sight. Her words sting (Y/N)'s heart.

"We were only tasting the food—".

"What's your password ?" He pause like a information shone at him she didn't like.

"It's you". A snarl twist on her face. See, he is lying, he always was and still is.

"Liar !" With pain she screamed she didn't knew had inside her regarding him.

"No". Cameron shook his head gentle, appearing almost like an angel that her heart ache to believe his words. Believe him. "It's true, my password is the day we first met". And to confirm he in front of her type the date her mind clearly recalls and it opened along the rest of chatlog she couldn't read discussing about her birthday.

Tears swell in her eyes and her mistake came to light however there is also a realization sink in her mind that she no longer loves this boy, she loved and the perfection she fell for now become the very thing she come to loathe and it's all because of that bet. A silly little bet he made to date her and after she knew it, she still welcome him in her life forgetting to open her heart to the point every loving actions of his seems like a act of betray, sweet nothings seem blunt lies, loving care of his— fake. His betrayal hit her so hard she lost trust. The entire time when she was worrying about losing Cameron in reality loving him she lost herself and the twisted relief of seeing him with another woman was a fleeing excuse to break up. Once she believed the love fairytale and twice become too heavy to bear.

Her legs give up as she land on the ground, all alone. How could this happen ? how in process of loving him did she lost herself. Her happier, brighter, forgiving, trusting self ? maybe in the end she didn't forgive him for the bet she thought she did.

𝑻𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒆𝒅

☾ ──────────

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kadentherabbit · 6 months ago

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Tate Langdon NSFW Alphabet,

(A/N! This is my first written smut!!! I haven’t yet finished Murder House and I have really bad focus on tv shows so I really hope this is good enough! The divider (flowers and leaves is from @/mietteone) I’ll try and make this without any gender talk!)

A= Aftercare (what they’re like after the act)

He’s very cuddly after a round of sex, even clingier if the two of you go for longer than a round. He can’t find himself letting go of you at all. He’ll probably fall asleep first btw.

Yet some days he’s not as happy has the others, he’ll distance himself from you after sex for a few minutes, lay by himself and stare at the wall before he finally cuddles up to you, only if he can be the little spoon though. Maybe he’ll start venting or crying, but most the time it ends in cuddles and cockwarming if he’s upset.

B= Body part (favorite body part themself and their lover)

He definitely prefers his hands or his mouth, Tate likes holding onto you while fucking, even if it’s not during sex he loves holding you. Running his hand up and down your thigh or gently grazing your neck and the hickeys he left the night before.

His mouth because well, he can give you all the hickeys and kisses in the world! Marking you is his favorite past time, Tate trails kisses down from your chin all the way to between your legs where he can give you the most sloppy oral ever.

Tate can’t pick and choose parts of your body, all of it is the most perfect thing he’s ever seen. But he prefers your face, the way you express your love and watching you talk or whimper under him is the best! Really likes your hair aswell, he can tug and play with it all he wants.

C= Cum (anything that has to do with it)

Inside. He doesn’t care about anything….all he wants is to just stay inside of you a little bit longer…. Talks about breeding you even if he wouldn’t consider a baby at all. (Unless it’s the antichrists :3)

He supposes that he’ll come on your stomach, second favorite place ever, pulling out and letting it spill all over your smooth skin. It gets him going for a second round.

D= Dirty secret (Pretty self explanatory)

First day you moved in, he was already stalking you, watching everything you did even if it was in a sexual way, he also took a habit of stealing your underwear and shirts…just so he could feel closer to you.

E= Experience (do they know what they’re doing)

Not really, no, he didn’t have much of a sex life when he was alive. All he really had was porn and his imagination.

F= Favorite position

Simple missionary is the best, he can watch your face contort into all the different little emotions you have to show while you whimper out his name and beg him to go faster. It’s also super easy to kiss you when you’re facing him.

Back shots when he’s angry, shoving you into the mattress and almost growling into your ear, it’s crazy how fast he can go from loving and caring to nearly suffocating you in the pillows. He’s still gonna leave marks all over your back.

G= Goofy (how serious are they)

Tate likes to crack a few jokes, jokes about being dead stuff like “ever been fucked this good by a ghost?”. Little comments like that or a knock knock joke if he’s really in a good mood.

Yet, like I’ve stated before, when he’s upset, he doesn’t crack jokes, he barely even talks unless he’s telling you how good you’re doing.

H= Hair (grooming habits)

He’s always been a smooth person, he likes shaving, it’s uncomfortable with hair in places like that. Occasionally he’ll have a bit of a carpet but it’s never more than a little chunk of it.

I= Intimacy (in the moment romantic or dirty)

He tries to be romantic, maybe some flower petals scattered along the halls to your bedroom. Or a lit candle sitting on your bedside table, you have no idea where it came from btw.

He praises a lot, telling you how good you’re doing and how pretty you are. He needs to make sure you understand how much he loves you.

J= Jack off (do they masturbate and how often)

Before he met you (well before he actually started talking to you) he was a compulsive masturbater. Any moment he was stressed or when he could catch a glimpse of you changing, he had his jeans down to his knees in a second.

Yet now that you two are dating, he doesn’t jerk it as much, only when you’re at school and can’t find himself waiting for longer than an hour. He knows you’re always up for a round or two if he needs some help.

K= Kink (well, kinks!)

Choking, Praise, occasional degration, (definitely a mommy kink. He also really wants to fuck you in the latex suit.)

He likes to be choked more than choking you. Scared that he’ll possibly hurt you or even kill you if he in a bad mood. So he prefers being chocked when he’s on the bottom.

Praise goes both ways, if you praise him, he’ll cum immediately after whimpering and begging for “momma’s help”. Tate loves praising you, I’ve stated before that he needs to make sure you understand how pretty you are.

Degrades you when in a bad mood, calling you a whore, slut, etc. Sometimes he goes a little far, and he’ll make up for it with the best cuddles and aftercare ever.

Mommy kink, Only really when he’s on the bottom or in an upset mood. With how much of a bad experience he has with his mom, he finds a tiny bit of comfort in calling you his momma in bed.

L= Location (where they like to get it on)

the bed is always a number one place. It’s comfortable and easy for cuddles right after the deed has been done.

Occasionally, he’ll fuck you over a kitchen counter if your family isn’t home, These are typically the days he’s not in a good enough mood to wait.

Infront of a mirror. Pretty self explanatory but he doesn’t do it often, sometimes he really really needs a confidence fix so he fucks you infront of the mirror and degrades the hell out of you.

M= Motivation (things that makes them tick/turn ons)

Just you in general gives him the worst hard on imaginable. But if you’re wearing shorts or a skirt, he really can’t keep his hands off of you.

Making out and giving him hickeys will also make him horny. He enjoys all the kisses and sloppiness of pre-sex kissing.

N= No (turnoffs or absolutely won’t do)

Refuses to ever share you, nothing like threesomes or cucking or letting someone else watch. He gets jealous really quick, he needs you all to himself.

Bodily fluids that aren’t blood/spit/cum. It’s gross, Tate gets disgusted at the mention of it.

Not a huge fan of role plays. Can’t really elaborate on this one but he likes being Tate and you being….well you.

O= Oral (receiving or giving and how skillful they are)

Really good at giving you head, it’s surprising since he never had much experience but he finds himself giving really sloppy and really amazing head.

Loves when you suck him off, he’ll act like he hates it and that he’s some tough guy but the moment your lips wrap around his dick. He’s whimpering and moaning and begging for more, he’s very loud.

P= Pace (how fast they are and how long they last in bed)

I explain this a bit more in Q. But normally he prefers slow and sensual sex. Taking all the time he needs to please you and himself, he can normally last well past your orgasm. But for rounds, he can last about 2 and a half before he starts unraveling.

He can get rough, lasting for about 3-4 rounds with the fastest pace ever imaginable, I mean he’s dead, his energy levels are really off the charts. He can last a good 2 hours without cumming but when he does, it’s a lot.

Q= Quickie (do they prefer fast and hard)

Some days, yes, and some days, no. Sometimes he just needs a little relief and a quick round of sex. On those days, he’ll really rock your shit and go right back to wandering around the house and doing his ghostly things.

If he’s upset or really needs you, he prefers to take it slow, being able to have you under him for as long as possible. He only finds himself speeding up if you want him too, but you have to beg him first.

R= Risk (do they like to try new things)

Yeah, definitely into trying some new kinky things. Like if you asked to tie him up or asking to be tied up. He’ll try it, anything to make you happy, oh it’s an added bonus if you unlock some deep secret kink inside of him.

S= Stamina (how many times they can go and how long each round lasts)

typically, Tate can last 2 rounds, he finds himself getting overstimulated too quickly if he goes on for too long and can’t pleasure you anymore.

If it’s one of those days, 3 or 4, he just needs to get all the energy out. He’ll take small breaks in between if you need them but doesn’t find himself taking breaks.

T= Toys (do they use sex toys on themselves or their lover)

He doesn’t like them but he won’t be pissed off if you own a vibrator or dildo. He understands that he’s not always there when you’re in the mood but he can show you how much better he is then those stupid pieces of silicon.

Not much of a toy user, I mean he won’t start complaining if you use a vibrator on him or something to punish him

U= Unfair (do they tease or do they enjoy being teased)

Typically, no, but ifs he’s mad. Yeah, he’ll spend at least an hour teasing you and pushing you to the edge. He’ll fuck you then give you head and repeat the cycle until you’re basically crying.

Tate enjoys being teased more than he’ll admit. At first he’ll laugh it off and say he can handle it like a man, but after about 2 minutes. He’ll be underneath you, crying and begging (just like how teases you!). He can’t really handle what he dishes out, but he really does enjoy it.

V= Volume (are they loud, what sounds, and do they talk)

The first time, he tried to stay quiet, felt embarrassed at how loud he was. He was basically screaming while jerking off so he didn’t want to make a noise while having sex.

Until he let a few moans slip and you loved it. You told him that the more he moaned, the better. So he never really held back unless your family was awake, he’s really loud. Whimpering, moaning and groaning, all the noises that a man could make, Tate can make them.

W= Wild card (random sincannon of any sort)

As I briefly stated in K, Tate really really wants to fuck you in the latex suit. He will never admit unless you say something first but that’s all he really wants.

X= X-ray (what’s down below in dem pants)

6.5 inches when he’s soft and about 7 when he’s painfully hard.

Y= Yearning (sexdrive level)

Pretty high, he gets horny easily and can’t really get rid of his hard ons as easily. It’s a good thing since he knows you’re always up for a quick round or two.

He’s also pretty patient, if you tell him to wait an hour so you can do homework. He’ll wait (after a few minutes of whining and complaining). He can wait but it’s not his favorite.

Z= Zzzz (do they sleep after if so how quickly after)

He tries to stay awake longer than you so he can lull you to sleep or make you feel more comfortable for the last moments of the night but he normally falls asleep first. Especially if it’s been a rough day for him.

#x reader #x female reader #x male reader #tate langdon #tate langdon smut #evan peters smut #evan peters #american horror story #american horror murder house

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softxsuki · 11 months ago

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Hey, hope you're doing great! Can i ask an urgent request, a jjk x fem reader where the reader is left in a vegetative state after a mission, all them seeing her for the first time in intensive care with multiple tubes going in and out of her while she was fighting for her life in a coma, and like when she wakes up she's clueless the first days, struggling to say what she wants or express any emotions because she's unable to talk (and move also) Hope it's not a burden to you <33

Megumi, Gojo, and Itadori With S/O Who's In A Coma After A Mission

Warnings: mentions of death (no one actually dies), past character deaths, despair, crying (in itadori's), reader in a coma

Note: Hello <3 Happy New Year. I actually really enjoyed writing this one. One of my fav jjk posts so far 0.0 hope you and anyone else that reads it also enjoys it! And I hope your situation with your family has improved <3

Megumi:

Megumi is in shock as soon as he finds out you’re in a coma after your recent mission

You had assured him you’d be okay, and in that moment, regret fills him for not pushing to be there with you

He’d already gone through this with Itadori years ago when he thought he was dead after that one mission they were on together, and now here you were clinging on to life, one of the most important people in his life

He was scared he’d never see you awake again, yet he remained calm on the outside, coming to the hospital to visit you everyday

You were in the same hospital as his sister, who was also in a coma, so he was also able to visit her more often while you were there

The two most important women in his life were practically lifeless on hospital beds, it killed him

However, hope filled him one day when he saw your fingers fidget and he immediately ran to get a doctor–you were waking up

Confusion fills you as soon as your eyes open, you can’t quite put together where you were, the last thing you remembered was fighting that powerful curse before everything went dark and now you were in a room surrounded by people in white coats

The doctors had just finished removing your breathing tube since you were finally stable and conscious

Megumi feels his shoulders lighten as he sees your eyes open, you were alert, which was a good sign

He takes a seat beside you, the chair he’d been glued in since he found out you were in a coma and takes your hand to let you know he was there as the doctors started their examination on you to make sure you were doing well

The next few days are tough on you as you struggle to move or speak due to going so long without doing both of those things while in a coma, but Megumi is by your side the whole time helping you out

He spends his every waking moment by your side, taking care of you until you’re back to your normal self

Gojo:

Like Megumi, Gojo is also worried of course, but that worry doesn’t show on the outside

Yet everyone around him knows something is wrong because he’s unusually quiet and doesn’t joke around anymore, he’s become very serious

He was the strongest in the world, yet couldn’t do one simple job and keep you safe? He was beyond disappointed in himself

There was so much responsibility on his shoulders that the elders threw on him, but they didn’t dare request him during these weeks while you were in a coma

Gojo was unstable and there was no telling what he’d do if anyone pushed him too far, so he spent his time visiting you, and continuing to teach and train his students, the only two things he could find the energy to do, but all solo missions were at a standstill

Even after you awaken, Gojo still isn’t himself, his attention is now fully on your recovery and making sure the doctors are doing their utmost best to make sure you recover fully

The thought that he was so close to losing you just like so many of his other friends and colleagues terrified him, he felt unworthy of his title of the strongest, but moving forward he’s even more protective of you after seeing how easy it was to almost lose you

So after you’re released from the hospital and sent back home, finally able to speak and move around again, Gojo is on high alert

He feels paranoid that something will happen to you again so he pushes back his missions and has the elders give them to other sorcerers in the meantime so he can watch over you

It kills you to see him this way so you’ll have to do your best to persuade him that you’ll be fine and safe, he can’t spend his whole life glued to your side, that’s no way for him to live

So it does take a while to persuade him to continue his work, but he makes sure to keep you heavily guarded while you’re still in recovery

It will take a while before he’s back to his usual self, just give him some time

Itadori:

Itadori is probably the most visibly impacted one after hearing the news that you were in a coma after your latest mission

He’s another one who has lost countless people and felt responsible for not being strong enough to protect them, and now he couldn’t even protect you

He’s distraught, silent tears falling from his eyes as he makes a promise to exorcize the curse that did this to you

If he wasn’t by your side, he was out on the streets eliminating curse after curse, waiting for the moment he’d come across the curse that put your life in danger, he wouldn’t be going easy on it

It kills him to see all those tubes connected to your body, you looked so fragile, like any tiny gust of wind will have your heart monitor flat lining at any given moment, he was terrified

He experienced too much loss already, if he lost you as well, he’d never recover

So when he receives a call from your doctor, he’s already running to the hospital before he even picks up the phone

You were awake

Tears of relief fall from his eyes when he sees for himself that you are in fact awake–your eyes on him as he enters your hospital room, eyes he thought he’d never see again

He collapses at your side, pulling you into his arms, almost scared that if he let go, he’d never see you again

The weeks of your recovery go smoothly with Itadori by your side though, he listens to everything the doctors say and helps you get back on your feet, literally

Walking became difficult for you, so he became your cane

Even talking hurt your throat, but he’d speak for you until your throat healed up andyou could speak again

He was incredibly attentive and caring during the next few weeks of your recovery and made a vow that nothing like this would ever happen to you again so long as he was alive and by your side

And that was a promise he’d keep forever

Posted: 1/1/2024

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hereforthehitsbaby · 17 days ago

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Silver Lining | DP&W!Logan Howlett x F!Reader

Synopsis: Logan was too familiar with depressive episodes, spending years stuck in his own. He never wanted you to feel the way he did, he wanted to take your pain away.

Warnings: ANGST, like no joke this is just straight up angst/whump with a somewhat happy ending, not character angst but reader angst – or at least that is what I think it would classify as?, mentions of mania, mentions of mental illness, reader screams at everyone and tries hard to make people hate her because she thinks she deserves it, mentions of depression, reader has a depressive episode, crying, self-doubt, mentions of unavailing oneself, language,

Rating: M

Word Count: 3.9K

Author’s Note: You know, at times when there are things you cannot tell anyone about, you write. This happened to be that moment for me. Also I know I said this was going to be angsty but I don't think I did the angst justice enough. I'm not used to writing it so I apologize if it's not full blown whump.

Tagging(?): @battermyheart @plagued-kitty @cxrrodedcoffin @babygorewhore @strangererotica

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“I fucking hate you, leave me alone!” You scream at your apartment door, hearing Wade on the other end banging harder. You didn’t mean any of the words, you wanted to take them all back, you wanted to say you’re sorry and move on. Your hands reach out to tangle in your hair, pulling roughly at the root. Growls of agony and pain tear from your throat as you drop to your knees on the plush carpet, rocking back and forth. “Let me go, please let me go!” None of your words made sense, they felt foreign on your tongue as the pounding got louder, as the screams turned sour. The world faded to black as your head hit the carpet, your throat raw – straining against your sorrows. Footsteps echoed like snow on a winter’s night; The silence was not comforting. Bloodied fists fell beside your face, and Laura’s soft words lulled you to sleep. “We will be here when you’re ready. Please, take care of yourself.”

No one expected that a day full of laughing and bonding would take a hard left turn. No one knew what hid beneath your surface, they never realized how bad it was getting. All they saw was smiles and sunshine radiating off of you, never knowing they were caused by pain. You thought you were getting better, that you weren’t faking it this time – unfortunately your brain never got the memo. None of your words held any meaning; You knew that but you were worried your friends might not. Then again, day one you did tell Wade to not get attached – that was for his own sake when one day you were no longer here. It was an unspoken song in your head – it never rang true but certain times felt like it would, that it may.

Peter’s party was supposed to be fun, celebrating his anniversary of a year with B-15. A full day planned by Wade and Laura. Logan and you were made to keep them both busy for a while, while Al complained about the constant smell of latex balloons. A day you had been looking forward to for weeks; Spending time with Logan while also not feeling pressured into anything. Wade’s constant comments about you two shacking up held some tension between the two of you, sometimes making it awkward to even say hi to him. But this was supposed to be a turning point for the best, the manic episodes a thing of the past. You were finally healing, so you thought. Alas nothing stays the same forever; A little chaos thrown into a beautiful painting can sometimes turn the colors muddy.

Thirteen days it has been since you left your apartment, almost a full two weeks since you spoke to anyone. Text messages gone unanswered, calls gone silent. Knocks at the door becoming few and far in between as the days grew longer. The care packages dwindling down to one every other day than ever four hours. They did care, it wasn’t a bullshit excuse your mind made up, deep down you fucking knew and yet? It didn’t feel right. It was foreign of a concept; A group of people looking out for you because they care. You had been in with every wrong group possible that it ruined any singular chance of trusting their actions. Happy endings were not in your card, so you had convinced yourself. Episodes like this became your only friend, constantly reliving the worst moments over and over until you couldn’t cry anymore. The utter pain on Wade’s face as he cried for you, as Laura tried to help you, as Al reassured you, as Logan held you, were too much to constantly see. The distance was necessary. But never, never would they give up on you.

Over the last two weeks Wade has come by and sat outside your door, recounting missions and how they went to reading the newest Booktok craze in graphic detail, never spearing a moment to see if he could hear you laugh. Instead all he heard was sobs, self-hatred, and pain. It gave you the time to process your rage, to understand it cannot be pointed towards others who were only trying to help, to figure out a way to explain how sorry you are. But you never needed to, because Logan did – and they made sure they let you know. Out of everyone, Logan was rooting for you the most. Looking out for you, making sure no one came to disturb you when he heard your wails of sorrow, letting you feel rather than cause any discomfort. It killed him silently to hear you like this, not to be able to hold you through it, he wanted to do so much more.

Every text that you stomached to read from Logan was always reassuring, never condescending or jokey. Between small quotes he heard over his life of resilience to funny memes he stole from Wade, he was your cheerleader in every way. It helped you to know, even if you didn’t respond. It gave you the confidence to finally get up and take a deep breath, to understand what you were going to say. That was your plan for today and nothing was going to stop you. As soon as you realized in the early afternoon, you spent the rest of the time cleaning up your apartment, taking a shower, and getting your best comfy clothes on to have a sit down chat with everyone. It felt like everything was going to be okay – you felt like you had control over your emotions; This time it would be easy to convey what sparked your episode. Taking a deep breath you opened your apartment door as walked across the hall to Wade’s, keeping your hand steady as you knocked.

The controlled, hard thuds rang through your wrist as you heard a groan come from the other side, inaudible mumbles coming from Althea. A small smirk played across your lips as you heard her rambles, knowing how feisty the older woman is. The door to Wade’s apartment opened quickly as she stood facing you. Seeing Al after a few weeks of going MIA made your throat dry up, only hearing her words of reassurance as you had a breakdown. Instead of speaking you stared at the woman, fingers slightly trembling. Al let out a sad breath, her shoulders slumping slightly. ‘Oh honey, come on in.” How she knew that it was you wasn’t even a question in your mind, just her gentle nature of feeling you made your eyes misty. Al left a decent gap between her and the door as you crossed over the threshold, staring into the comfortable space.

You could tell that Wade and Laura weren’t around, considering how the pull-out mattress wasn’t out still and Wade’s door was wide open. But you knew he was here. As Al closed the door behind the two of you, the third door of the right opened quickly, the wood creaking against the hinges. Standing in the doorway with warm eyes and a stoic stance was Logan, staring at you like he was in disbelief. He didn’t move, he didn’t blink, instead he kept his eyes on your face. Your hair was tucked behind your ears and away from your features; Logan’s eyes trailed over each part with a soft smile on his lips, relief coursing through his veins. “How are you doing?” he asked calmly, not moving a muscle as he gauged your response. The tranquil state you were previously in started to crumble at those four words, your eyes growing tight and blurry as you stared into Logan’s hazel eyes. Your fingers began to shake as your heart raced, a sob threatening to tear from your throat without warning. All you could do was shake your head at Logan’s question, blinking your tears away. Without a thought, you moved fast into Logan as you wrapped your arms around him, pressing your face into his flannel. Everything you had been holding onto for two weeks was already coming out; The dame officially breaking as he held you. “I got you, sshh – you’re okay,” Logan responded as he rubbed your back, tightening his hold on you as you cried.

Logan slowly shuffled you backwards into his bedroom, letting the heavy door shut on its own as he held you the entire way. Due to how lost you were in his sweet embrace, you didn’t realize that you were now in Logan’s room or better yet, laying with him on his bed. Positioning you to face him, Logan never let you go as he pulled you close to him, letting your face press into his neck as he pulled the comforter over the two of you. Short, sweet hums left his lips as he rested his cheek against the top of your head, letting your subconsciously link his thick legs with yours. “I’m proud of you for coming over, you know that?” Those words warmed your chest as you felt your body shiver, the praise meaning everything to you. Pushing your face deeper against the crook of Logan’s neck, you belted out a wail as you gripped his shirt, just knowing it was starting to soak with the runoff of your tears. You shook your head against his chest, slightly digging your nails through his shirt.

Over the last year you watched Logan transform from gruff and rugged emotionally to happy and prideful. Though that hardened shell of his would never leave, he seemed to be a lot lighter mentally. After he became the new anchor being, new resident of Earth-10005, and the new friend of Wade, which all still was confusing to your human brain, he realized that life was so much more than reliving your past – and learning to move forward from it. It was a slow journey for him but, he found solace in the understanding and knowing. Which is why he didn’t hesitate to grab you and pull you close, knowing this only mirrored what you did for him all those months ago. Being on the receiving end of it felt bizarre for you, but it felt like home. You didn’t want to believe it, but it was true. “You shouldn’t,” a low whispered escaped through your sob as Logan trailed his fingers over your back, drawing small shapes against your hoodie.

“But I am, it’s a big first step.” It was true in a way, the first step was always the acknowledgement. Just leaving your apartment was a great first attempt, and now you were really making strides. “We love you so much, I love you, sweetheart.” Hearing Logan say that caused your heart to clench; The game of cat and mouse of feelings you two have been ping-ponging over the last year reached its peak quickly during this whole time, realizing you two were in silent cahoots – there never needed to be a talk about labels when it happened to naturally. Neither one of you would admit it but, you were together way before any of this went down. Swallowing down the smartass retort wanting to slip off your tongue, you sank your nails a bit deeper into his shirt, feeling his hiss come out. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean, Lo. Do you know how to love?”

You hated yourself for those words, knowing you didn’t mean it but let it go anyways. A typical defense tactic to push people away. Logan knew it too which is why he never responded, only snickered at your persistence. He knew exactly how you would react, knowing from your past conversations about your previous episodes. Running his beard across the side of your cheek, Logan nodded against your face as he spoke, “I love Wade. I love Laura. I love Al. And most importantly, I love you.” Hearing him say again that he loved you should’ve been one of the happiest moments, knowing you both were making great strides in your relationship, yet it left a burning hole of lies in your chest. You scoff at Logan’s declaration, a fresh wave of warm tears cascading down your cheeks as you push your face further into his burly chest. You tried so hard to mask your cry with a cough but, Logan knew better. The words holding their true meaning, the truth snaking its way through your brain. Shaking your head against his pecs, you inhale a deeply, smelling his shower gel and natural musk flooding your nose. “You don’t love me, you barely know me.”

Logan smiles softly above you, trying not to roll his eyes at your clear avoidance of the talk you were about to have. He found your stubbornness endearing, seeing a bit of himself within you. He was the same way after all, never acknowledging or wanting to accept but always question, always avoid. Hiding and not accepting the truth was easier than healing at times. Logan placed his lips to the top of your head as he kisses it gently, rubbing his large hand up and down your back. He never let his lips pull back your head as you let out his words, wanting the warmth of his breath to sink in, hoping that would help you to understand the truth over the lies your mind was telling. “Then give me a chance to.” It slipped out between his lips so naturally you had no time to adjust, hitting you like a ton of bricks.

You stop in the moment; Your breathing, your crying, your whole body. Logan’s words sank deep within your soul, causing a bloom of emotion to burst within your chest. The truth was burning your nerves one by one, every fiber alight and refusing to be put out with your self-doubt. Every stage of grief you could possibly feel ran through your with cold fingers, awakening you for what felt like centuries. Trembling hands grip tighter at his flannel tighter, pulling him close and pushing him away at the same time. Your brows furrow as you scan the darkness within, trying to find a reason why he shouldn’t. All you could find was positive after positive with Logan, remembering how he tried to do the same to you and you refused to give up on him. Now it was your turn, but stepping into the unknown scared you more than anything else. Opening yourself up to him, was terrifying. “Don’t push me away, please.” Logan whispered into your hairline, feeling his own soul hurt for you.

“That’s all I know how to do.” It wasn’t a lie persay, but it wasn’t the whole truth. You never pushed away the gang, not ever. Anytime you were mildly upset you made sure to be with them, and they stayed with you through it all. Even the times you got annoyed with them, you never gave up on that friendship. You knew deep down you’d never push them away, in fact it was funny to you how you even thought that. As Wade had one said, we are like herpes – we never leave, sweet cheeks. “Let me help you break that cycle.” You wanted to believe Logan, trust his words and actions of the man you love. But it was fear inducing to do so, because every what if made its way out of the wood works, chiming in their two cents. What if he leaves you? What if he moves on? What if he is saying this just to make you happy? What if he doesn’t mean it? What if he just feels sorry for you?

The offer to help you break the cycle was what set you off, tearing yourself away from Logan. Sitting up roughly on his bed, you bunched the comforter down at your hips, placing your head in your hands. The fresh wave of tears was threatening to spill over as you shook your head, your knees trembling with every inhale. “What if it can’t be broken, Logan?” You pan your eyes up at him, your bottom lip quivering. “What if that’s all I’m ever going to be destined for? Healing others while I hurt myself. I don’t know if I can be fixed, or changed or-“ Logan abruptly stopped your spiel as he reached for you, holding your face within his hands. The gentle flecks of golds and emeralds swimming in his irises caused your heart to flutter, his natural beauty causing your cheeks to warm. He stared at you like a man in love, needing you to know just how precious you are.

“I said the same thing about myself, for fucking years. I refused to believe I could be happy, in a better place mentally, I didn’t want to be happy. I wanted to hurt, knowing what I did to cause pain to others. I believed I deserved it. Not a day goes by where I sometimes slip into my old routine. But I remember that people do appreciate me, they do love me - even if I don’t want to believe it.” You noticed how Logan wasn’t aware he was crying with you, his tears slowly falling from the inner corner of his eyes as he spoke. The hold he had on your face growing harder, not in a painful way but in a comforting one. Every word he spoke he wanted to sink in, to show you if it wasn’t the end for him – it wasn’t for you either. “But-“ you chimed, trying to find a reasoning but coming up short. “No buts, just feel. What do you want, sweetheart?”

The question held a lot of meaning, a lot of endless possibilities that you weren’t able to explore in your lifetime. For the first time in so long, you felt like you finally had a choice over your own decisions, not your mental health. The way you stared at Logan, with admiration and hesitance caused his heart rate to speed up, his palms growing clammy at what you may say. He could smell your fear, hear your heart pumping at an abnormal rate. Placing his wide palm against your calf, he rubbed over your leggings with languid strokes, helping to coax your answer out. The feelings finally setting in, everything hitting its peak, knowing you were not going to be hitting rock bottom again. “I want to be happy.” It didn’t sound real coming from your mouth, foreign against your tongue as Logan painted his face with a slow smile, admiring your strength and truth to wanting to be happy, instead of staying in that darkened space.

“Louder, darlin.” Logan coaxed with a gentle smile, pressing his lips to your temple as he took a deep inhale. He liked to believe that was his way of ridding you of this pain, inhaling it so he could hold onto it – so you could feel at peace. A small grin made its way upon your lips as you closed your eyes, sinking into his touch deeper. His arms came to hold you against his chest, peppering kisses along the left side of your face as you exhaled. “I want to be happy, Logan.” This time it felt real, felt right coming from you. Your tears dried up quickly, the sticky residue still on your cheeks as you started to get back on your metaphorical feet. His kisses caused your stomach to burn with love and passion. Grabbing at his right hand, you pulled it to your lips as you kissed over where his claws would come out, showing him how even something so deadly deserves care.

“Give yourself permission to.” Logan smiles genuinely as he cups your cheek, running the pad of his thumb over your skin. Reveling in his touch was the only thing you could do, watching him with hearts in your eyes as you smiled. Having someone like Logan be so patient with you, caring for you like no one before has, made you feel safe. It made you feel like things were really going to get better, and now they were. He was right, you needed to give yourself over to your own happiness, and welcome it in. It was a scary thing to adjust to but, you deserved it. The torment you had been putting yourself through, dealing with crisis after crisis and believing every mean word to be true, you deserved this much needed break and acceptance. Logan pressed his forehead against yours as he closed his eyes, wanting you to take in every word deep within your soul. “I’ll be with you, every step of the way. I won’t give up on you.”

That was all you needed for the tears to start again, this time though – they were different. They were sweet this time around, not sour and hateful like earlier. This time they were cool to the touch, not scalding hot. Hearing the love of your life say that, meant the world was healing. You were silently giving yourself over to Logan fully, letting him help you instead of shutting him out. Welcoming him in during your time of need was what the world gave you, and you were never going to take it for granted. Sighing out into his touch, you sniffed back a few tears as you cleared your throat, knowing another cry would slip out sooner. “No one’s ever told me that.”

It broke Logan’s heart to hear that, knowing people gave up on you too easily during your time of need. He couldn’t bear the thought of you alone in the world, dealing with the demons on your own; He needed you to know he would make sure you never fell down that path again. Leaning into you, Logan pressed his plush lips against yours, letting the slow hum of the central air drown out the loud voices in his mind. Just like that the world stood still, in this moment it was just you and Logan – no one else, no other thing. Time stopped to let you both take this all in, to realize two souls were converging into one, and the path ahead was twisting together for the two of you. The soft nature of the kiss felt like it could heal all of your wounds, and deep down you believed that it did. Logan was stitching together every slice in your being, healing those jagged scars, stitching your soul into one again. “Good thing I’m not no one,” Logan smiled against your lips, stealing a few sweet kisses as he nudging his nose to yours, making you look up at him. “I’m someone to you.”

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oraclemoontarot · 2 months ago

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what your nct dream bias says about you 𓂃⊹ tarot reading

little fun reading on the general personality of a fan who biases a certain member.

This is a general reading on the personalities of all those who bias a specific member so, there could be individual differences, take what resonates!!

mark ౨ৎ

cards pulled: seven of wands, sun, hanged man, wheel of fortune, queen of swords, hermit, four of pentacles, magician, eight of wands, snow leopard: self-reliance, lady bug: good luck, wolf: pathfinder, sea otter: happiness, loon: intuitive

Mark Lee stans are generally busy bees. You work hard for things that make you happy, things that you are passionate towards. Just like Mark himself, you embody warmth and happiness, spreading your positivity and light; your joy is contagious. You also have a different perspective on various things, such as your views on the world, concepts, and others' opinions. You likely have a wide range of skills, or at least one which you are focused on and others could have a high regard for. Whatever you set your mind on, you achieve. There are various sides to you, constantly changing, constantly evolving. The person you were yesterday is not the person you are today.

As the queen of swords, you are quite intellectual, a strong presence, oftentimes viewed as cold when, internally, you are far from that. But you do set clear boundaries, never letting others overstep. There are times when you retreat into your shell, guarded and reserved, or embracing your solitude to let yourself reflect. After retreating, you come out even stronger, more self-assured, and confident in your decisions. You could be quite good with your finances as well, sometimes holding back more than what is necessary or beneficial to you. It could also mean that there are moments when you hold back on sharing your ideas and views with others, especially as it may be something valuable. But you are a creator. Whatever you want or wish for, you have the power to make happen. You are fast-moving, dedicated, strong, and with a lot of willpower. You have an appreciation for art, people, and your own mind and solitude. You really do have an incredible mind; your thoughts are intricate and intellectual. There is so much people could learn from you, having the ability to influence and educate others, to give them the opportunity to think and explore.

With the animal oracle, you are self-reliant. A very independent person who embraces solitude, often finding strength through spending time in your own company. You value integrity, with a strong intuition, and may have a tendency to be a perfectionist. But you have such bright, lucky energy. Just being in your presence fills others with joy and makes them feel lucky in some way—lucky to be next to you, lucky to receive that contagious good energy. You don't have much time to worry; you focus on the present, having so much love and color to you. You are not one to live or dwell on the past. You may be like that of a teacher to others, helping them find their way through guidance, advice, or even lending an ear to them. Whatever challenge comes your way, you have a strong, unwavering soul and character—able to endure, persevere, and be resilient, especially when it involves those you love.

You likely have a playful nature to you, enjoying every moment of every day, oftentimes going with the flow. You have such a loving nature, wearing your heart on your sleeve, and being such a warm, caring, and kind individual, one most would value. You have so much trust within yourself—your own opinions, thoughts, and feelings come first when it comes to forming decisions about your own life, having this inner knowing, this powerful intuition. The busier life is for you, the more likely you are to enjoy and seek your own solitude—not in a lonely way, but likely as a way to recharge. You appreciate your authenticity, your uniqueness, and you have a strong sense of self-love.

── .✦ songs by nct dream that represent you:

best friend

pretzel (♡)

yogurt shake

renjun ౨ৎ

cards pulled: fool, star, judgment, knight of swords, six of pentacles, six of wands, strength, nine of cups, two of cups, orca whale: adventure, bison: abundance, heron: patience, white stag: protector, pronghorn: action

Renjun stans have such a rich inner world, embracing their inner child and having this immense amount of curiosity and eagerness for adventure. You may often smile a lot, having a contagious happy energy. There is also this dreamer and optimistic side to you; you may even have one big dream that you wish to achieve someday. But there is something comforting, sweet, and pretty about you and your energy. You know who you are, who you're meant to be, and what you are meant to do in this world and life. You may have gone through a self-awakening, knowing what your destiny or purpose is. You may also have impulsive or go-getter tendencies, not wasting a second in pursuing what interests you or towards your goals.

You are generous, both in your time and energy. You never hesitate in helping others; gift-giving may even be your love language. There is also a possibility that you may donate to charities or causes, or support your friends and family if they are in need, not hesitating in sharing your resources. You may even be popular or well-liked by those around you, or at the very least, successful in whatever you do—whether with academics, career, personal hobbies, skills, or interests. There is this inner strength and independence to you, and that comes from knowing who you are. You value the little things in life; the little moments are so, so special to you. You appreciate beauty such as art, music, nature, etc. And you value the time you spend with people and deep, meaningful connections. You have a lot of love and even a cuteness to you that people can't help but adore.

You love doing things differently from others, being as wild, free, and authentic as possible. You may be someone who is unafraid to voice their own mind, and you may love to travel and explore various cultures! You, at your core, are loyal, confident, brave, powerful, and have a deep value and appreciation towards your friends and family. You have so much wisdom, as well as gratitude and warmth. You know how to balance between your drive and alone time, finding a sense of patience. You are also a protector, an old soul with a strong intuition. You have your own 'magic' and strength, the power to influence and motivate others, but also a sense of creativity, art, and passion. You are action-oriented, acting immediately when opportunities arise. You have a quick wit and sense, often finding success with ease.

── .✦ songs by nct dream that represent you:

glitch mode

yogurt shake

chewing gum

we go up

jeno ౨ৎ

cards pulled: page of cups, hanged man, high priestess, three of cups, ten of cups, four of wands, page of swords, knight of swords, emperor, raven: shaman, heron: patience, white stag: protector, moose: wisdom, raccoon: inventor

Jeno stans are romantic idealists at heart. You may believe in concepts such as fate, destiny, soulmates, and the mystical—filling your heart with romance tropes and an eagerness for true, meaningful love. You likely value family and want to find a long-term partner, someone you could build a family or home with, as it is something that would bring you this sense of content, this peace and love which fills your whole heart.

You have an incredible perspective and view on the world, especially with relationships. People are intrigued by your mind, but also your mysterious nature. You are incredibly attractive, and there is something about you that pulls people in, like this depth, this inner-knowing and something mystical. It's like, even if people have known you for years, there's still so much to you—it's like trying to point out every star in the sky; that is how much depth there is to you. You likely enjoy socialising, going out, or networking—finding joy in interacting with others.

You have a wide range of ideas and goals, possibly loving to travel as well. You may be good at communicating and always looking towards the future, but with this drive where you act on your goals as well, not one to miss out on opportunities. But you are also a protector. You are a pillar within your family and connections; you look after others and provide support, you are a source of strength.

You are both a creator and a magician. You know how to use your gifts, skills, and resources for good and have a power and wisdom to all the words you speak, harboring a sense of mystery and inner wisdom. You have a balance between living in your head and in reality. You are a dreamer who is grounded in logic, but you are also patient and bring a sense of comfort and stillness in terms of your presence when with others. You are a protector, an old soul who has a strong intuition. You are meant to create blessings in yours and others' lives—an inventor who has integrity and balances between various roles and responsibilities.

── .✦ songs by nct dream that represent you:

it's yours

fireflies

dreaming

breathing

haechan ౨ৎ

cards pulled: page of cups, moon, seven of wands, lovers, seven of pentacles, knight of swords, high priestess, four of pentacles, two of cups, dragonfly: magic, lynx: keeper of secrets, sea otter: happiness, humpback whale: singer, deer: love

Haechan stans are generally dreamers. There is this childlike nature to you, likely believing in concepts such as fate, soulmates, destiny, or the mystical and spiritual. There is this playfulness, and something about you or your energy that most would see as cute or sweet. You may live in your head a lot, where people would naturally be intrigued by you as you're mysterious, seeing you as someone with a lot of depth and a lot that they don't know about you, even after years of being close with you. You could be a hard worker, or at least put a lot of your energy and effort into relationships you value. You are a romantic at heart, often spending time daydreaming about certain romantic tropes, though in reality, you could be quite reserved, cautious, or closed off to romance, preferring the way it exists in your own mind as the story plays just how you like it—safe and warm.

You're naturally a patient person who could have impulsive tendencies due to your excitement—possibly random hyper fixations that you suddenly feel passionate about and want to enjoy. Many would view you as attractive, especially with your energy, linking back to your mysterious nature, but equally because of you knowing who you really are. There is something authentic and true to you. You present yourself the way you are—nothing more and nothing less. You may even be good at tarot. There is this inner knowing to you, this strong intuition. Lies and false intentions can't get past you.

With the two of cups, your overall energy is one of love and meaningful connections. That is what is most important to you: authenticity, real connections, and deep emotions tied to deep relationships. You have a lot of love to give, but you are also deserving of that amount of love back.

With the oracle cards, you are someone who is constantly changing, unafraid of improving yourself and your life. You are able to move on from the past, not letting it hold you back—you are someone with this magic to you, this undeniable strength that presents itself in a light, beautiful, and graceful way. You value honesty just as much as you value loyalty and keeping secrets safe. You are an observer, someone who listens and watches more than speaks. You also have this inner knowing with other people; you can see deception, feel when someone is hiding something or isn't doing too well but pretends they're fine. You also seem to enjoy your own company and space, finding your strength through spending time with yourself. You have such a positive and happy energy to you, as well as this cute innocence.

There is something so friendly and approachable about you, where you are filled with gentle and loving energy, seeing the positives in everything and everyone, valuing and acknowledging your sense of self-worth and self-respect. You may even be someone who tends to go with the flow, being a healer for those around you, appreciating art, good things, good people, and the world itself. You have a strong sense of purpose and never stray from your path.

── .✦ songs by nct dream that represent you:

my first and last

walk you home

rains in heaven

dear dream

as a haechan stan, I was severely called out 😭

jaemin ౨ৎ

cards pulled: three of cups, two of cups, seven of pentacles, queen of pentacles, queen of wands, four of swords, magician, four of wands, king of cups, penguin: authentic, cat: independent, moose: wisdom, dog: friend, hawk: messenger

Jaemin stans value friendships and meaningful connections. You don't appreciate superficial relationships, seeking only those that are deep, loving, and authentic. You are likely to be social butterflies, or at least prefer having a group of friends, at least three close people in your life. You are patient, especially when it comes to your goals and dreams, feeling like the rewards would likely be guaranteed and abundant that way. You are someone who has two sides to you, yet nurturing at heart. On one side, you value safety, security, and finances, making a house a home, and are grounded and humble. On the other end, you are passionate, creative, enthusiastic, sociable, warm, confident, and welcoming, and most would find you attractive, especially with your energy.

When you are hurt, stressed, or overwhelmed, you seek solitude, prioritising your health and comfort, letting yourself heal and relax before going back out into the world. At heart, you are a creative and a romantic. You may believe in marriage and seek long-term relationships, being really loving and expressive. Whatever you want, you'll get as well. Just like Mark-biased NCTzens, you know how to turn your dreams into reality. You could also love fantasy novels or romance films/books, embracing your inner child and finding ways to bring love and joy into your life. Overall, you are a mature person, especially emotionally. Sometimes, you may be intimidating, but you are so loving and a protector toward those you care about. You don't let others hurt them, quick to defend and stand up for them.

You are authentic and unafraid to embrace it. The people you are friends with are likely kindred souls, sharing similar interests or personality. Your family and close friends are extremely important to you; they are your source of strength, especially in times when you struggle. You are yourself, unchanging and unashamed. Even if everyone else is the same and you stand out, you stay true to your authentic self. You are also independent and a natural healer, with a strong intuition, and are not one to follow the crowd. You have so much wisdom, yet a balance between the dream world and your current reality. Your creativity and logic are like yin and yang. You are grounded and have an old soul. However, although you are grounded, you are also the definition of a true friend. You have a lot of energy and enthusiasm, bringing inspiration with you, inspiring others, and giving them a source of love and happiness without expecting anything in return. You are a true protector and friend. You are someone who is likely to have a bright future, being able to see and understand things most wouldn't. You are not one to be easily distracted or strayed from your path or goals, constantly growing and achieving.

── .✦ songs by nct dream that represent you:

my youth

candle light

dive into you

rainbow

chenle ౨ৎ

cards pulled: king of wands, high priestess, page of wands, eight of pentacles, page of pentacles, eight of cups, knight of pentacles, page of cups, ace of swords, peacock: vibrancy, cat: independent, polar bear: mystic, tiger: fire, dolphin: play

Chenle stans are passionate, energetic, and enthusiastic people, especially when it comes to learning, academics, studying, or their career. You have so much depth and mystery to you; just like Jeno stans, there is something so intriguing about you, it just pulls people in without them knowing why. You are attractive, with such a powerful, compelling energy. You have this balance of work hard, play hard, bringing life with you wherever you go, the life of the party. You could be the class clown or resident hype buddy. You are a determined and hardworking person, focused and dedicated towards your goals.

You are someone who doesn't stay too long in things that do not serve you, quick to move on towards better things—such as a better job, environment, relationships, or the past itself. You move at a steady pace towards better things and towards your goals; patience is something you value, finding it builds a strong foundation in most things within your life. You are also a dreamer and a romantic idealist, possibly enjoying creative hobbies and endeavours. You wear your heart on your sleeve and likely believe in concepts such as soulmates, destiny, fate, and mystical, spiritual things—similar to a lot of other NCTzens on this post. You have this child-like nature to you that is so innocent, sweet, and romantic. Some people may even have a strong adoration for you, especially as they'd find you really cute and endearing. You are also an incredible communicator, able to express your thoughts and feelings with clarity, always voicing your opinions, unafraid of judgment—similar to Chenle himself.

You were born to shine and inspire others, yet you are humble and aren't jealous in nature, feeling grateful for your life. You are true to who you are, recognising your self and authenticity, and you are independent, a natural healer. You have a strong intuition, not one to follow the crowd, and someone who is stronger through challenges you go through. Adversities don't hold you back at all. You find and renew strength through resting and dreaming, and you are someone who likely has psychic abilities, which explains your mysterious intrigue. You are bold, brave, powerful, and passionate—someone who is fierce and unmoving from their path and goals. But you are equally someone who brings happiness and joy with you, knowing how to have fun, filling yourself with confidence and not letting fear hold you back. You likely go with the flow and have such rich wisdom, enjoying life through having fun and letting your playful nature shine.

── .✦ songs by nct dream that represent you:

ridin'

carat cake

boom

to my first

jisung ౨ৎ

cards pulled: nine of pentacles, ten of cups, knight of wands, eight of wands, seven of wands, king of cups, knight of cups, nine of wands, empress, butterfly: rebirth, eagle: mastery, tiger: fire, deer: love, giraffe: visionary

Jisung stans are people who embody gratitude and humbleness, especially after working hard to get to where you are now. You treasure and gratefully accept the rewards, but not forgetting the journey it took to get there. This gratitude also seeps into your value and treasuring of your family. You have a lot of love for your family and wish to have a family of your own someday; it is what brings you both strength and a sense of contentment. You are also enthusiastic and full of energy, life, and excitement. You are a go-getter, never backing down and never one to miss out on a new opportunity or adventure.

You are emotionally mature, and may even have a sensitive side to you. You are a protector towards your family, looking out for them and providing support, especially emotionally. You are someone who is a romantic at heart, and in a very sweet, innocent, and genuine way. You make the ideal partner and likely wear your heart on your sleeve—very affectionate too. You are also resilient, never backing down and not letting challenges stop or sway you. As the Empress, you are nurturing, loving, feminine, and know how to make a house a home—things such as tending to a garden, bringing life into your environment. But you are also strong, voicing your thoughts and opinions, and setting clear boundaries.

You are someone who embraces change, constantly looking for ways to reinvent yourself, open to the journey of self-discovery and rebirth. You are constantly transforming and sharing the brilliance which is you. You don't let the past hold you back, focusing on mastering your skills, your character, career, or hobbies, having a lot of wisdom and strength. You likely have a talent in guiding and inspiring others too. You are someone bold, brave, passionate, and unstoppable—you charge headfirst towards your goals, never straying from the path you laid out. But, just as you are fierce, you also embody love and gentleness, like a deer. You have the ability to heal others, seeing the positivity in all things, and have a sense of self-worth and grace.

── .✦ songs by nct dream that represent you:

beatbox

fire alarm

we young

love again

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ninjigma · 1 year ago

Text

Taking place between chapters 6 and 7 of 'One Last Moment' Track: 'Fallin' (Adrenaline)' - Why Don't We (Spotify / YouTube)

It was sudden. One moment he was naming the loads of food he would get for Fox in apology for the hectic evening being chased by thugs, and in the next the helmet was gone and lips were pressed against his. It was fast, and hurt a bit with the slight clumsiness of it catching between teeth, but Quinlan couldn’t care less. In fact, he couldn’t feel anything besides the elation and joy, and how every ounce of self control rose in him to stay still a moment. To let Fox move first.

Then the millisecond was over and Quinlan was tilting his head, letting their noses become less smushed and lips to press a bit softer. One of his hands delicately came to rest on one of Fox’s cheeks, encouraging and calming in one go. It was Fox’s pace, but Quinlan had never been one to hide his thoughts; and he wanted it clear that he wanted whatever Fox gave, no matter if it was clumsy kisses in precarious locations or the bickering over food on late nights.

Quinlan loved. He knew this about himself well, and had already left the order once based on such feelings. He felt for so much sometimes it was overwhelming, and his own abilities in the Force felt like a lightening rod for emotion, even from those long past. Even now he could feel the hum as his thumb swiped slowly over Fox’s cheekbone, and he used every trick in his book not to read anything beyond that surface level. What Quinlan truly wanted was it to be Fox’s own choice to share. His own feelings given freely at his own pace. Of course he couldn’t help sensing the nerves Fox was projecting with how strongly they wavered past the clones walls, but he kept everything else as locked as any shadow can. Locked with the key that would be forever freely offered. That if Fox wanted, he was there, and if he didn’t, he would stay at his side regardless.

If this was the only kiss, Quinlan wanted it clear how much he treasured it. Protected it. Already kept it within his heart where no one but Fox could ever take it away from him.

If it was just this moment, Quinlan could accept it and return to being the nuisance nat-born Jedi that Fox had dubbed him. And he would then use every ounce of that title to ensure they made it through this war anyhow. Because Fox would always be a friend, and for Quinlan, that title was nothing short of the highest importance.

If it was only right now, Quinlan would be happy.

Literally has been sitting in my drafts for way too long as I wanted to write something more for it, but have been too caught up with work to finish it; and I just get too sad seeing it in my drafts every time I scroll to leave it any longer.

Who knows, maybe I will finish writing later and reblog with it/edit the AO3 story. Stay tuned just in case XD

Enjoy! (And enjoy the new Dumpy the frog text divider!)

#loved the pose too much to not draw it as them #because it is so very them #been sitting in my drafts a while #too long honestly #wanted to write something more for it...#might still #we will wait and see #surprise dumpy the frog!#quinfox #foxquin #quinlan x fox #quinlan vos #clone commander fox #star wars #clone wars #my art #my writing #fanart

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inlovewithquestionablecharacters · 11 months ago

Text

Remus Lupin X Reader: The reunion

Warnings: angst, self hatred, lost lovers, fluff, sadness, smut, nipple play, oral (f & m receiving) fingering, blowjob, rough sex, soft sex, penetration (p in v), making out, pet names, dirty talk, happy ending.

Word count: 5,5 K

It has been a long time since you’d last seen Remus but you remembered the day like it was yesterday. You remembered the feeling of his skin warm and barely out of reach. You remembered the strangled sound that had left your lips as you begged him to stay with you. And most of all you remembered the words he’d uttered before he’d turned around and walked away.

“I can’t.”

You had never fully understood what he meant. For years you’d racked your brain over his words, trying your hardest to understand what exactly was stopping him from staying. And then one day you stopped asking yourself what you’d done wrong. You couldn't change the past, you couldn’t make him stay and that was just how things were.

You’d never expected to be back at Hogwarts. It had been years since you last stepped foot in the Great Hall and yet here you were, standing in front of the professores tables with a smile plastered on your face. You had a lot of fond memories in this place. Your eyes trailed over the table, snippets of your time as Hogwarts flashing through your head as you gazed around the empty hall. Your smile faltered for a moment when your eyes fell on a particular spot of the Gryffindor table.

His spot.

You could picture him sitting there with James and Sirius on either side of him, his eyes glued to the book in his hand. He’d raise his head from the pages, his eyes finding you in the crowd. The image of his smile was clear in your mind despite not having seen it for a long time. It almost felt like you were back in your eighth year. Back when things were good. Before it all went up in flames.

You were sure you would have kept staring all day if a familiar voice hadn't brought you back to reality. You turned to look at Mcgonagall as she called out your name. She moved gracefully towards you showing the same professionalism she had back when you were in school. Before she could put out her hand for you to shake you’d pulled her into a hug. She let out a surprised gasp as your arms wrapped around her thin frame.

“Come on now Minnie, I think we're past the handshaking phase of our relationship.”

Mcgnagall stayed immobile for a split second before wrapping her arms around you.

“Oh how I've missed you dear.”

Many people saw the professor as a strict person who didn’t care much about connections but they would be wrong. You’d known Minnie for years. Even after you left school you’d kept in contact and you could confidently say that she considered you a friend. It had been her who had called you back to Hogwarts after all. You pulled away from the hug, smiling up at Mcgonagall.

“So what did you need me to come here for? Not that I'm complaining. I love an excuse to wonder around here but your letter was very well-”

“Ominous?”

“Yes. Ominous is a great term.”

“Well, you know how it is. Can’t risk information getting into the wrong people's hands.”

You knew about that all too well. Information getting into the wrong peoples hands had been what had caused you the loss of your friends. From then on you’d all become more careful with who you told things to. It was safer that way. Especially with the things that had started to happen in the last few years. Mcgonagall seemed to notice the way your eyes had started to gloss over, the memories creeping their way into your mind.

“Don’t worry dear. It’s nothing bad. I actually think you’ll enjoy it quite a bit.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Walk with me.”

You followed Mcgonagall through the halls of Hogwarts watching the students stumble from one classroom to the other. You observed the groups of friends chatting about things. It all felt so very familiar. It felt like coming home. And then your eyes fell on a young boy. You’d recognize him instantly.

“Harry.”

There was no denying the similarity he had to his father. You and James had gotten into loads of trouble when you were younger and even though you weren’t the best of friends you’d been one of the first people to meet Harry.

“He’s gotten so big.”

“Yes he has. He looks so much like his father.”

“He really does.”

“Do you want to say hello?”

Your head snapped in Mcgnagall's direction, teary eyes searching for any hesitancy but found none. She really meant it. You look back at the trio before you, observing the way they laugh with each other. He looked like his dad but laughed like his mom. You’d recognize Lily's laughter anywhere. Everything inside you begged for you to walk over and greet Harry but there was a small part of you, a sensible part, that didn’t want to. You were scared of how he’d react. There was no way he’d remember you anyway, you’d meet him when he was a baby. And you didn’t want to risk putting him in any more danger.

“I shouldn’t. I can’t risk getting too close to him.”

“Well that might be a bit hard.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think it’s about time I told you why I called you here today.”

Mcgnagall started walking again, moving away from Harry and his friends. You glanced at the boy once more before following her. After a little while you’d made it to the entrance of a classroom. Which you recognized as being the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. That is if they hadn’t changed things around since the last time you’d been here but you doubted they had. You looked at Mcgonagall questioningly.

“What exactly are we doing here professor?”

“Well we’ll be needing to replace our current Professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts for next year and it so happens that I think you’d be a great fit for the job.”

“What? Minnie, are you serious? You want me to work here, at Hogwarts?”

This didn’t seem real. Hogwarts had always been your favourite place to be and the chance of working here and being near Harry seemed too good to be true.

“I can’t promise anything but me and Dumbuldore think very highly of you dear. We think you’ll do a fine job here.”

“Godric's Minnie. You have no idea how much I've dreamed of this.”

“Oh I think I might have some idea.”

Mcgnagall looked into the classroom for a moment as if contemplating something before turning back to look at you.

“There is one thing I'll need you to do. It’s typical to do an interview with the Headmaster but seeing as Dumbledore is dealing with a lot at the moment and I too have many things to resolve. Your interview will have to be done by the current professor.”

You bit your lip nervously. You had never been great at interviews, especially with people you didn't know much.

“But don’t you worry. Me and Dumbuldore have the utmost faith in you and we are sure the professor will go out of his way to make you feel comfortable.”

“Okay Minnie if you say so.”

“Wonderful. Well then dear go on in. He should be waiting for you already.”

You took a deep breath in, closing your eyes for a moment before turning towards the classroom door.

“Okay, here we go.”

The classroom was just like you remembered it. The layout hadn’t changed at all. The only thing that was different were the objects inside the room which you knew changed according to the professor's class. You walked towards the back of the room going up the staircase that led to the professor's office and knocked at the door. You heard some shuffling behind the door followed by a “Just a moment”. You recognized that voice. Could it be? No way you had to be making things up. Being at Hogwarts made you nostalgic, that's all. There was no way it was him. And yet when the door opened there he was. Standing directly in front of you was none other than Remus lupin. Your Remus.

The one that got away.

Remus had been nervous about the interview. He wondered if the professor would tell his replacement exactly why replacing him was needed. He knew Mcgnagall would never openly tell anyone about his condition but being that a vast majority of the school had already found out it was inevitable to keep it a secret from the new hire for a long time. He wondered who had been picked to take over his teachings. From the way Mcgnagall spoke of them they seemed like a very smart person. Just the type of person Hogwarts needed. Remus hated the idea of leaving Harry after everything that had happened but it was probably for the best, considering a small amount of the boy's issues had been a consequence of his condition.

Remus had always loathed being a werewolf. It bothered him greatly. He blamed that part of himself for losing people, the fear of hurting someone dear to him making him push everyone away. It was what he had done to you all those years ago and despite hating the thought of hurting you it had been the best choice. He’d spent the months after he left you hating himself more than usual. He’d wake up in the middle of the night calling out your name only to remember you weren’t there. He’d hear your laughter as he made himself coffee in the morning and would be haunted by the way you called out for him the night he left as he got ready for bed. You meant everything to him and that was precisely why he’d pushed you away.

Over the years Remus had thought of writing to you many times, mostly when it was close to a full moon. He craved your sweet words the morning after his transformation. He missed the feeling of your hands against the new scars that always seemed to find their way onto his skin as the animal within took over his body. But most of all he missed the way you looked at him. Always with pity but never with fear. You knew he would never hurt you on purpose and yet that was exactly what he’d done. The knowledge that he’d caused you pain was what kept him from reaching out to you. He knew he’d probably die before ever seeing you again but if that meant never hurting you like he had then that was a sacrifice he was willing to take. It was all working out like he had planned. That is, until he found you standing in front of his office door, your features mirroring the surprise he felt inside.

Remus froze in his spot, his eyes glued to the sight of your beautiful face. A face he thought he’d never see. A face that looked just as he remembered it. You too were stuck to your spot eyes moving over Remus’ features gaze catching at the new scars that were on his face. They hadn’t been there the last time and the thought of him being all alone after receiving them made your heart break. Remus longed to touch you, his hands twitching beside his body as he forced himself to keep his distance. You opened your mouth to call Remus’ name but before you could get it out he spoke.

“Come on in.”

The words felt odd coming out of his lips. A phrase far too professional for someone he’d known for years. But it made him remind himself that this was not a moment to catch up. You hadn't come here to see him, you'd come here for a job interview and that was what you were going to get. You walked into the office, eyes falling on Remus’ things. It was a familiar sight, one which you’d missed dearly. You watched as Remus made his way to the chair behind the desk, taking a seat before gesturing you to do the same. You did as he asked, sitting down on the chair opposite to him. You were only separated by a desk but it felt like such a great distance. Remus reached into his drawers pulling out a piece of paper and setting it down on the desk before him. You observed him in silence. He picked up a feather dipping it in ink before glancing up at you.

“Name and age please.”

“What?”

“Name and age.”

You furrowed your brows, staying silent for a moment before answering.

“Great. So why do you want this job?”

“What’s going on?”

“Well, a job interview. As far as i know.”

He had to be fucking kidding. Here you were sitting in front of Remus, someone you haven't seen in years. Someone who had left you outside in the cold as he walked away. Someone who had ripped your heart out and stepped on it like it was nothing. And the first thing he does when he sees you is act like an arse? Like hell! You slammed your hands on the desk raising from your seat in fury.

“You have to be joking.”

“I don't know what you mean.”

He hated the way he was talking to you. He hated the way he was acting. But most of all he hated himself. He hated himself for pretending nothing had happened. He hated himself for making your face twist into the scowl you were now wearing. But it didn’t matter. It was better if you hated him. It would make watching you leave easier. But he should have known better. He should have known that you were the type of person who fought for what they wanted. And not the type of person who left when things got hard. That was what was different between you two. While Remus ran from love you fought for it. He had always loved that about you but right now he wished you’d just punch him in the face and leave.

“Unbelievable.”

You let out a pained kind of laugh. Your eyes moved over Remus' face as you shook your head in disbelief.

“So that's how it is, hum? Rip me to shreds and just pretend it didn’t happen. Might as well just spit in my face Remus. ”

A frown found its way onto Remus’ face at your words. He knew he deserved your rage but it still hurt.

“Fucking say something!”

Remus' eyes widened as you yelled at him. You never yelled at him. Not even he’d helped James sneak Veritaserum into your coffee. Or when he’d messed up your first date with a guy because he’d gotten too drunk. You hadn't even yelled at him when he left. No like this anyway. Not with such anger. Your chest rose and fell rapidly as you felt tears begin to well in your eyes, a combination of anger and sadness taking over your body. It made Remus jump into action. He got up from his chair, making his way to you. You put your hand out telling him to stop.

“Stay away.”

Remus called out your name, slowly moving closer to you. The tears were falling quickly now making your face glow. You closed your eyes, a sob leaving your lips as you kept your hands out in front of you. You opened your eyes when you felt something come in contact with your palm. Remus had made his way to you. You looked up at him, your face twisting in anger as your hands turned into fists. You hit Remus' chest once waiting for him to react. When he didn't you kept hitting him and he let you. He let you hurt him because he knew he deserved it. The energy your anger had given you seemed to run out, your palms coming up flat against Remus chest as your body heaved forward in a strangled sob. Remus took his chance, pulling you into him. You tried to push away from him but he didn’t let you. The familiar scent of chocolate entered your nose. Godric how you’d missed that smell. Remus' body warped around you, the warmth making you feel tired all of a sudden. You stopped fighting to get free. Instead you sink into Remus, letting him hold you. Remus relished in the feeling of your body near his. He'd forgotten what it felt to hold someone like this. Your breathing started to slow down as you stopped crying, your body finally draining itself of all the sadness that had consumed you for years. He was back in your arms. The man you’d loved so much was finally within your grasp and you weren’t going to let that go to waste. You didn’t know how long this would last after all.

Remus felt you move against him forcing him to loosen his hold on you so that you could look up at him. Your eyes bore through his brown orbs a silent request hidden in your gaze. Remus knew what you were thinking because he was thinking the same thing. One of you just needed to do something about it. To your surprise Remus was the first to act. He leaned down, his nose bumping against yours before he crashed his lips into yours. The amount of desperation between you two was clear. Each one trying to grab onto any part of the other just to make sure this was real and not a figment of your imaginations. Remus kissed you with a fervour you hadn't felt in a long time. He kissed you like he was out of breath and you were the air he so desperately needed to survive. Your hands found their way into Remus' hair caressing his scalp with your nails, something you used to do to soothe him. He sighed into your mouth, tongue begging for entrance which you gave him. Your tongues danced around each other as Remus’ hands found their way to your thighs. He tugged you up off the ground making you wrap your legs around him. You both let out a moan as Remus hard on nudged against your clothed cunt. You were incredibly wet already, the years of longing making you needy. Remus wasn’t much better off. It had been so long since he’d last been with someone like this that he felt like a teenage boy all over again, trying his hardest not to cum in his pants. Remus sat you down on his desk, his hands moving against your pants as you tried to tug his vest over his head. You both laughed as each other's desperation got in the way of either one of you achieving what you wanted.

“You first love.”

“Okay.”

You let Remus unbutton your pants. A moan left your lips as Remus shoved his hand into your underwear, his slender fingers moving to gather your slick.

“Bloody hell you’re wet.”

“You sound surprised.”

“Didn’t know if I still had that effect on you. After everything.”

You could tell Remus was starting to spiral into a feeling of self hatred so you grabbed his face in your hands. He looked at you with sadness in his eyes.

“I never stopped loving you, Rem.”

“I left you.”

“You did. And it hurt a lot but that's what love is.”

“What, pain?”

“No Rem.”

You pushed a piece of hair away from his forehead.

“To love is to forgive people for their mistakes.”

Remus’ shoulders sagged as he placed his forehead against yours.

“What did I do to deserve you?”

“I don’t know. But what I do know is that being far from you is the worst pain I've ever felt so please don’t leave this time.”

“I could hurt you. I could put you in danger.”

“Nothing will be worse than not having you near Rem. Nothing will ever compare to that. Please don’t make me go through that again.”

“I promise I'm not going anywhere this time.”

Remus placed a hand on your cheek giving you a kiss.

“And I think I know how to start making up to you for last time.”

“Oh yeah?”

Remus moved away from you, his hand reaching to the edge of his vest. You watch him pull off the vest before beginning to unbutton his shirt. Your eyes traced over his scars, the need to go over to him and kiss each one taking over you. But as you tried to get off the desk Remus moved towards you, his hands latching onto your thigh to keep you in place. “What do you think you're doing?”

You traced your fingers over the scar directly above Remus' nipple making him take a deep breath in.

“I want to kiss them.”

“Later love. Right now you’re going to let me take care of you. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. Take this off for me.”

You did as Remus asked, removing your shirt and tossing it near his discarded clothes. Remus’ hands found their way to your breast giving them a squeeze before caressing your nipples through your bra.

“Fucking gorgues.”

You moaned at Remus’ praise, head falling back as you did. Remus took his chance, his lips latching onto your neck as he moved to palm at your thighs.

“Lift your hips for me love.”

You did as he asked, helping him remove your pants. Remus took a step back, his eyes racking over your exposed skin.

“Just like I remember it.”

“I doubt that. It’s been a while.”

“You’re still as pretty as ever, love.”

You blushed at Remus’ words. He had a way of making you flustered with the simplest of words. Remus moved back to his original position, dropping to his knees before you. You brace yourself as he removes your underwear, his fingers bumping into your clit and making you whimper. In another life Remus would tease you before delving into your pussy but it had been so long and he missed you. He missed the taste of you. Missed the feeling of your thighs against his head as you came. Missed the way his name sounded coming from your lips. So instead of making you work for it Remus shoved his face into your dripping cunt. You grabbed onto Remus hair as he ate you out, a grutell sound leaving your lips as you rutted against his face. Remus ate pussy like a king. Anyone who’d been with him knew that but when he was with you he always seemed to go the extra mile. He knew what made you scream and he was set on reminding you just how good he could make you feel. Your thighs clamped around Remus’ head as he entered a finger into your cunt. It went in without any resistance causing him to enter two more digits. You wailed above him, the feeling of fullness making you scream.

“Shh love. There are students around. Need something to keep you quiet?”

You nodded as Remus’ question mouth opened for him. He understood your request, moving his free hand up to your lips. Your hands latched onto his arms, shoving his fingers into your mouth. Remus moaned into your pussy as you sucked his fingers, the vibrations adding to the pleasure he was giving you. Before long your pussy started to clench around Remus fingers signalling to him you were close. He sped up his movements, sucking on your clit as his fingers ploughed into you. You came with a yelp of Remus name, your hands wrapping around his with a bone breaking grip. You collapsed onto Remus’ desk, your legs still placed around his shoulders as he continued to lap up your juices. He didn’t want any of your sweet nectar to go to waste so he kept eating you out until you groaned due to the overstimulation. You whimpered his name, making him raise his head from your cunt. The sight of Remus beneath you, face covered in your slick, made you want to rub your thighs. Lucky for you Remus sensed your need for a break, rising from his knees so that he could kiss you. He leaned his body against yours pulling you into a smearing kiss. You bit at his lower lip, making him groan and hump against your thigh. You felt his dick rub against your exposed skin, a hunger growing inside you. Remus loved eating you out but you knew he also loved watching you suck his dick. You give Remus’ shoulder a push, signalling for him to get up. He did as you asked, raising to his full height before you. You climbed off of his desk dropping to your knees just as he had done. A shudder left Remus’ lips as he realised what you were about to do. You grinned up at his flustered face.

“Wanna fuck my face Rem?”

“Godric love.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes please.”

“That’s better. Take your pants off for me baby.”

Remus tugged his pants down eagerly, making you giggle.

“Sorry. It’s been a while.”

“Better make it worth it then huh?”

You didn’t give Remus a chance to answer, your hands gripping his boxers and tugging them down quickly before guiding his dick into your mouth. The moment your warm mouth wrapped around his dick Remus knew it was over. He would have to marry you. He couldn’t bear the thought of someone getting the pleasure of feeling like this. Your tongue ran over the vein on the underside of his dick making him buck forward. You choked on him forcing a growl to leave Remus' lips. There it was. You knew that sound anywhere. Remus had a tell, whenever he was about to become absolutely feral during sex he let out a growl. You’d become used to it, your jaw relaxing so that he could have his way with you. And that's what he did. Remus’ hand pulled your hair into a ponytail giving him a better grip. Once he was satisfied he started fucking into your mouth roughly. You placed your palms on the floor trying to keep your body steady as Remus used you to chase his high.

“Mine all mine.”

He was babbling random words of praise, his hips moving widely signalling to you he was close to blowing his load. You moved your hands to remove your bra. Remus caught sight of your movements, mouth falling open as he caught a glimpse of your breasts. You moved your hands over your breasts playing with your nipples. The intention wasn’t to bring yourself pleasure, you were putting on a show for Remus. He’d always liked seeing you bring yourself pleasure as he fucked his fist. Some things never change. Remus came with a grunt, hips sputtering wildly as he spilled his seed into your mouth. You swallowed every bit, proudly showing him your tongue after he’d pulled his dick out of your mouth.

“You’ll be the death of me, love.”

“I see you still like seeing my tits.”

“Don’t think I'll ever stop liking that.”

“Good.”

You kissed your way up Remus body, making sure to give love to every scar within your reach. Remus smiled down at you once you made your way to your feet. You grinned up at him, placing a small kiss to his lips.

“I love you.”

“I love you too Rem.”

“I’m so sorry I left.”

“Shh don’t think about that now. Just be here with me.”

You placed your head on Remus' chest, your arms wrapping around his torso in a loving hug. Remus kissed your temple as he stroked your hair. He could feel your nipples against his chest and you could feel the way his dick twitched against your stomach. You bodies longed for each other and who were you to deny them?

“You got a bed?”

“Yeah through that doorway.”

“Well what are you waiting for professor?”

Remus smiled at you, his arms reaching down so that he could pick you up. You laughed as Remus carried you over to his bedroom in bridal style. He placed you on the bed gently before going back to lock the door. He’d waited years to do this. He couldn’t risk anyone running the moment. When Remus turned back to look at you, you had already changed positions. You had your back pressed against the headboard, your legs spread in a way that let Remus see your pussy.

“Wet already?”

“I can’t help it, Rem. I’ve been thinking of fucking you for a while.”

“Oh yeah? Lucky for you, so have i.”

“You gonna keep talking or are you gonna come over here and show me how much you want me.”

Remus practically lept on the bed. He grabbed your shins tugging you so that your body was laying flat on the bed. You wrapped your hands around Remus' neck, pulling him into a needy kiss. Remus ran his tongue against the inside of your mouth as he reached down to grab his dick. You spread your legs more allowing Remus to manoeuvre himself.

“It might hurt a bit.”

“Can’t be worse than our first time.”

“Tell me if you want me to stop okay.”

“Okay.”

Remus inched himself into your core. You clenched your teeth at the feeling of him. You’d forgotten how thick he was.

“You okay?”

“Yeah-ugh-keep going Rem pleasee…”

“Fuck your sucking me in. So fucking wet. My pretty pussy.”

“All yours all yours.”

Remus bottomed out, his body stilling as he allowed you to become accustomed to the feeling of him inside you. It stung a bit but soon enough the pain turned into need.

“Move Rem please move.”

“Shit love. Feel so good.”

Remus rocked into you slowly. It was a tender kind of thing. He wasn’t fucking you, he was making love to you. There was still a desperation in his movements. You could tell he wanted to go harder but was afraid of hurting you.You called out his name causing him to move his gaze from the place where your bodies connected to your face.

“Yes love?”

“Please fuck me.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes Rem go harder fuck me like you need me.”

He did need you. He needed you more than he needed anything else and he was ready to prove it. Remus lifted your legs over his shoulders allowing him to reach a new angel. You moaned at the feeling of Remus deeper inside of you, the sound spurring him on. Remus started pistoling into you. You placed a hand against his headboard for support. The entire bed creaked and groaned as Remus fucked you with vigor. You were both close to coming undone, your moans growing more and more constante. It didn’t take long before you came around Remus dick, nails digging into the skin on his back as you yelled out his name. Remus came not long after his teeth sinking into your shoulder as he spilled his seed in you.

You felt Remus sag into your body. Your hands caressed his scalp as he tried to catch his breath. He placed his chin on your chest, a hand coming to hold your cheek.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

“I missed this. I missed you.”

“Me too.”

“I’m sorry for leaving. I thought I was protecting you but it turned out I was just making us both miserable.”

Remus sighed against your skin, his eyes watering.

“I’m tired of losing people.”

“I’m right here Rem. I’m not going anywhere.”

Remus furrowed his brows, his features contorting into what you knew was his thinking face.

“What is it?”

Remus got off of you moving to get off the bed. You raised your body leaning against your elbows as you watched him pace around.

“Rem what-”

“I have something to ask you.”

“Okay…”

Remus stood before you with a smile before dropping onto one knee. Your hands moved to cover your mouth as Remus said your full name.

“Will you marry me? I don’t have a ring but I'll get one and I don't know exactly how it would work. Do I move in with you or do you move in with me? But we’ll figure it out.”

He looked up at you with loving eyes.

“So what do you say?”

You moved your hands, placing them over Remus' chest.

“I would love to marry you.”

Remus let out a delighted noise lifting you off the bed and twirling you around. You wrapped your legs around him, moulding your body into his.

“I love you Remus Lupin.”

“And I will always love you my dear.”

Mcgonagall looked out the window onto the grounds.

“I believe we’re going to have to find someone else for the Dark Arts job.”

Dumbledore looked up from his desk, glancing at the professor with a knowing smile.

“You were never going to hire her.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Love, professor.”

“What do you mean Dumbuldore?”

“Love always finds a way my dear Mcgnagall. And those two well…they’ve loved each other for a long time.”

Mcgnagall shared a smile with the Headmaster. He was right, the two of you had always loved each other. Anyone with eyes could see it. And something told the professor that her plan had worked out just fine.

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mosaickiwi · 2 months ago

Note

(Sorry if i sound rude since english is not my first language 👉👈)

I love your writing so much btw thank you for providing us with top tier quality writing, the way you write rendacted is just 🤌😍

I dont know if its allowed since its kind of specific, but can i please request a fluff/comfort for an insecure chubby angel that's not confident with their body and strech mark so they kinda doubt that rendacted really love them and thought they only playing with them and only dating for fun or smth 👉👈 😳

Thank you soo much in advance (for the ping too) (≧∇≦)/

Thank you and you're welcome!! I love to cook this silly man 🥰 Appreciate da request <3

self loathing angst but it's just angel getting too deep in their own head

💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

Shorts

After a few weeks of dating, somehow [REDACTED] still smiled at you the same way. Still had that look of wonder and joy whenever you spoke. Still let their hand linger in yours for a second too long each time you parted ways.

As happy as he made you, you couldn't trust them just yet.

Part of you was waiting—you'd been waiting the whole time—for everything to come crashing down. That’s how it always ended. You were surprised things even lasted this long.

He was sitting out in your shoddy living room while you changed for a date at the pier. As you looked in the mirror, your decision to wear shorts seemed like a mistake now. The horrid, uneven lines that patterned the skin of your thighs only made the choice worse.

Of all the places to choose to live, it just had to be near the beach. You barely got by with loose shirts and pants for a while, but each day was more hot and humid than the last this summer. You couldn't go out like this. Let alone have him see all those flaws that glared back at you from your reflection.

Your heart thudded in your ears as you contemplated changing into something else. But you could feel it. The moment you'd been dreading was going to happen no matter what. Sooner or later they'd break up with you. What was the point of waiting for it? You could get it over with now, while you were in the comfort of your own home.

A few minutes of familiar, agonizing, embarrassment, then straight to bed for a pity party and a movie once your soon-to-be-ex left. Nothing new.

There was nothing else to do but face it. You breathed in and out at a steady pace to calm your nerves, then crept into the hallway. Despite the care you took, a floorboard creaked before you rounded the corner into the living room.

“Ready to go?” In an instant [REDACTED] was calling your name, draining away the confidence you held. You couldn’t bear to look up as he approached—to see that soft smile you loved fall into a frown. His footsteps were quiet, and you soon felt the warmth of his presence in front of you. “What’s wrong?”

Their voice never wavered in disappointment like you expected. It made your heart skip a beat like always, calm and gentle as he was with you. He was even concerned, reaching for your hand at your side but stopping short when you managed a few words.

“It’s nothing,” you mumbled.

“Doesn't seem like nothin’, Angel. We don't need—” Whatever they were trying to say slipped right past you as fear set in.

Why was he treating you so nicely? Was the room too dim for them to see? Did he not see everything wrong about you on display? It didn’t even sound like they noticed the stretch marks. You weren’t sure what to do. Nothing was going the way it had with previous partners.

Arms cautiously wrapped around your now trembling form as he pulled you close. The sudden hug shocked you long enough to realize your cheeks were wet. And that he was rambling.

“—Upset you. If y’don't feel like goin’ anymore that's fine. We can stay here ‘til y’feel better. Or would you rather I leave? Get you somethin’? That store you like should still be open—” He took a step back.

You weren’t calm enough to speak, but desperately hugged your partner back when he tried to move away. They stopped immediately. A soft breath tickled your forehead, and the smallest sigh left him in relief.

“... Fuck. Had me worried there,” he whispered and tenderly kissed the crown of your head. “Should I stay then?” You nodded. Minutes passed in silence as he stroked scarred fingers through your hair to soothe you, occasionally murmuring quiet reassurance.

You couldn't see why he wasn't disappointed. His attempts to calm you weren't in vain, though.

Finally, you felt as if you could manage. “I thought that…” It was hard to say out loud when you clung so tightly that your face was pressed fully against his chest. You pulled back and sniffled. A small, damp spot on his black shirt got left behind as evidence of your tears. “Oops.”

The dark haired man let off a smile at your reaction and gently pried, “Thought what?”

You bit your lip. Lying wouldn't do you any good. “I’m not that nice to look at,” you eventually admitted.

He frowned to himself, then gently cupped your tear-stained cheek. “You’re absolutely beautiful, you know?”

“Oh… um.”

“Really. I promise I don't want anyone else." His blue eyes were dripping with clear adoration. "I’d stare at you all day if y’let me, love.”

The pet name had you at a loss, completely flustered. He never called you that before. “Can you really be sure?” Your voice got quieter and quieter as you tried to explain your worries further. “I just feel like…” With each word, your gaze drifted to the side in fear of his reaction. “You should've, uh… broken up with me by now?”

“Angel, I'd never even consider—” He cut himself off. "... ‘Been doin' a shit job of expressing m’self, if that’s what you’re thinking.” [REDACTED] hardly gave you a chance to react before he was leading you to the couch. He sat down, lacing his fingers through yours as he pulled you to sit in his lap. It felt more intimate than usual with his other hand resting on your bare leg. “I’ll get whatever you want at the pier tomorrow. Right now I need to make sure y’know how important you'll always be t’me.”

#14 days with you #14dwy redacted #14dwy #14dwy ren #momo reqs #yayyy #more angst (sort of)#angel with awful dating history aaaaaaa #i want him to beam positive thoughts into angel's mind #pls 🥺#he is so soft while freaking out on the inside #what goes on in that noggin...#reveal to me ur secrets #does this need cw tags #typos be gone

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sleep-drunk-kitten · 2 months ago

Text

"𝐅𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫" 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟 "𝐍𝐨𝐰"𝐬

pairing: Barista! Kang Yeosang x fem!reader

genre: sickly sweet fluff, soft angst with a happy ending, coffee shop au?

content warnings: none

summary: After losing the one person who you believed would be your forever, finding love again seems nearly impossible... but the sweet barista who hands you your morning coffee might just changce your mind...

notes: Hey ya'll! I'm finally back and clawing my way out of that writing slump~ This fic was purely self indulgent and the past/present tense is a little all over the place, but oh well, I hope you guys enjoy it anyway!

Please support your authors, likes are sweet and all but it's reblogs, comments, and asks that give us the will and confidence to keep writing and sharing our work <3

Everything below the cut is NOT proofread

₊˚ ‿��‿︵‿︵୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧‿︵‿︵‿︵ ˚₊

“Forever”

In hindsight, it was a fickle promise.

Though born into existence to encompass eternity, the word had lost its meaning somewhere along the line.

“Oh it’s been forever! How are you?”

“Traffic was so bad, it took forever to get here”

“Oh that? It happened forever ago, I wouldn’t remember”

Its meaning changed and shifted as surely as the ripple of dunes in a desert.

A minute.

An hour.

Months.

Days.

In the case of you and the person you’d called your soulmate, forever had been all of eight years.

Eight years spent holding their hand. Kneeling down to tie the shoelace they never secured quite right. Sharing whispered conversations in the dim lights of orange streetlamps bleeding through frosted glass panes. Building futures where you moved in together, your smiles greeting each other after every long day, your arms always open and waiting for them to fall into.

You’d never planned for a life without them in it.

Not once had you truly believed it possible for them to leave.

So it was only natural that when they did, they took a part of you with them. The part of you that once believed in promises like “I’ll be by your side, always.”

Promises of “forever” or plans for the future had become intolerable. Feeling like a lie. A scam. Insincerity on your lips even when you wanted more than anything to believe it. Something that had once seemed so beautiful and bright in your eyes now filling your chest with grief. The weight of it pressing down on your heart, churning and swirling in waves so high and tumultuous they lapped against the sides of your throat so painfully there were days when something as simple as breathing burned.

You were sure you’d never be able to build a connection that strong with another human soul.

That was of course until you met him.

“Here’s your order”

Kang Yeosang was a quiet man. Offering you no more than a smile and your order every morning when you dropped by the cafe on campus.

You’d smile back, thank him, and get on with your day.

It became routine, the familiar smell of coffee beans and chocolate chip cookies embracing you for a few moments as you steadied yourself, mentally preparing for the day ahead. The sound of the vintage bell above the shop door almost hypnotic in the way it caused your whole body to relax. The weight lodged in your chest and throat ebbing. Leaving behind the barren, still peace of low tide.

Your commitment to this ritual and your usual order was so resolute that the pretty barista no longer asked what you wanted, realising early on that you deliberately came to the cafe early because you enjoyed the quiet.

As long as you never asked for anything different, which you never did, he would acknowledge you with a nod when you walked in before wordlessly moving round behind the counter to prepare your drink. Allowing you to bask in blissful silence for a few extra minutes.

It was nice.

”It’s on the house”

Your careful monotony was broken for the first time on a rainy Wednesday morning. You’d missed your first class of the day by sleeping through your alarm, woken up late, and neglected to bring an umbrella in your rush to leave your dorm.

Voices prickle over your skin in the already crowded cafe, clusters of people looking to escape the damp and cold surrounding you on all sides despite the fact that you’d wedged yourself into a small table by the large glass windows, knee bouncing in agitation as you stared out at the steely grey sky. The rain on the way to the cafe had been mild, barely more than a drizzle, but whatever was brewing promised to be much, much worse, enough to force you to seriously consider making a trip back to your room to get an umbrella.

But that would mean more time lost, more walking, potentially arriving to class much later than you’d intended, which really wouldn’t be so bad but it was still so frustrating and-

“y/n?”

The soft call of your name catches you off guard, the deep, velvety voice cutting cleanly through the chatter despite the caution laced through his tone. You look up, familiar, dark brown eyes blinking back at you, as though he was the one who should have been startled. “Your order,” he explains, setting down a to-go cup and a small paper bag.

It takes you a moment to notice the addition, peering inside the bag and finding four small chocolate chip cookies nestled inside. “I didn’t order this,” you say, holding out the bag to him, confusion and irritation creasing your brow at yet another unexpected change.

“Oh! I know…” he says, pushing the cookies back towards you, “it’s… it’s on the house.”

His ears flush red as he says it, a lisp you hadn’t noticed before creeping into his voice when he hesitates, his words coming out a bit like a question. An offer. A hand reaching out and asking ’is this okay?’

You pause, frozen in place for a moment, a blush creeping up your neck to match his own. “Ah… well… thank you, yeosang.”

He smiles, pushing back against the flurry of butterflies coming to life in his chest.

You remembered his name.

He wants to hear you say it again, his mind already replaying how sweet it sounded coming off your lips on loop, echoing through his skull so that when he goes over the scene again in his head he can’t be sure whether or not his next words came out quite right.

“Of course, what are friends for.”

From then on, there was always a bag with a different sweet treat tucked in beside your order, and for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to hate the surprise.

”I’m happy to be spending time with you right now”

Is what yeosang says on all your dates.

You’re not sure how exactly it happened. When small talk turned to sitting and sharing your morning beverages. When study dates became actual dates spread out over picnic blankets on the beach. When trips art exhibitions and bazaars shifted into walking hand in hand under the light of bright shop signs and flickering lampposts, a large reusable grocery bag filled with the ingredients needed to make pasta hanging off his shoulder.

It’s barely a date. But he insists that the impulsive decision to leave his house at 8:30pm to join you at the grocery store may as well be.

Because he was with you.

And that was all he needed.

Free hand wrapped loosely around your own, watching fondly as you tiptoe to avoid the cracks in the tiles.

He’d asked you to be his that night. Perched on a swing set that hung far too low for his legs. Lips parting slightly when you leaned over to swipe at them, chocolate ice cream smeared across his skin. You were fussing, telling him that he shouldn’t be such a messy eater at the grown age of twenty one, when his expression made your words come up short. An open, searching fondness in his gaze that made your heart swell painfully against your ribcage.

You knew that look.

That was exactly how you used to look at them.

Yeosang seemed to sense your hesitation, placing his hand over yours on his cheek before you could back away. There was no force in his grip. No pressure holding your hand in place. You could have retracted it easily if you wished to. But you didn’t. The confusing ache in your chest craving more of his skin against yours.

“Is this okay?” he’d asked, allowing your joined hands to drop, hanging in the space between you.

You could only nod. Wanting to highlight the fact that he’d been holding your hand for the better part of an hour just before you’d sat down to enjoy your ice cream, but opted not to when you found you couldn’t quite trust your ability to speak without your voice shaking.

Yeosang wasn't always the best at reading people. He'd discovered very early on in life that smiles and bright voices didn't necessarily come with good intentions, and it left him wondering if he'd simply been foolish. Unsure of whether or not it was his own fault that he'd misunderstood and gotten hurt in the process.

He often felt lost when it came to navigating the emotions of those around him. Confusion swirling in the undercurrent of nearly all his relationships… but not with you. He was never unsure about you.

Admittedly, he couldn't really say he'd fallen in love with you at first sight or anything (though he wished he could've). When you'd walked into that cafe and fumbled through your tote for your wallet he hadn't thought much about it at all, smiling patiently and going about business as usual. He doubted he'd even remember your name. But you were there again the next day, and the day after that (you brought a backpack instead of the tote with a cat on it), twice on Thursday (your hair was an absolute mess on your second visit), and on Friday you stayed till late, body folded over scattered notes and highlighters (it seemed like you had a habit of tugging your own hair when you were stressed).

With each visit, he began noticing you more and more, till he found himself wondering what had happened to upset you, or what made your smile seem brighter that morning.

It took some time (and a lot of teasing from Wooyoung and Jongho) for him to realise that he liked you. That no, he did not pay that much attention to all his regulars. And then it took a little longer (and a little encouragement from Seonghwa) for him to muster up the courage to actually approach you. A part of him expected that maybe, once you both became closer, you'd start to close yourself off. That the same confusion he'd come to expect from everyone but Wooyoung and San would come creeping into his mind when you found reason to hide how you felt.

But that day never came to pass. Yeosang was pleasantly surprised to find that the more he knew about you, the easier you were to decipher. Even if you refused to say anything, your lips pressed into a thin line when you were upset. No matter how many times you smoothed your expression over, your brow always creased with worry when you felt anxious. You crossed your legs when you were comfortable, and sat up straight and folded your hands in your lap when you weren't. None of these things changed as he got closer to you, and the closer his heart moved to yours the more he understood.

More often than not, he knew almost instinctively what you needed. And on the few occasions where he was unsure, he knew he could ask, because you could never find it in you to lie to a person you loved.

So he sat with you in silence for a while.

Tracing abstract patterns over your knuckles.

Allowing the steady trill of crickets and buzz of cicadas to fill the silence.

Knowing the negative space was something you needed, even if he wasn’t always sure why.

He waited patiently for the sound of your breathing to deepen, your hand relaxing in his own, your body unconsciously leaning closer to him before he spoke. “Thank you for letting me join you tonight.”

You chuckled slightly in response, dragging the heel of your shoe over the cracked rubber floor of the playground. “I should be the one thanking you, how would I ever make it home with such a heavy burden in my hands,” you'd joked, gesturing to the plastic bag settled on his lap.

“Oh but of course, you're just a girl after all,” he said with a serious little pout.

“I really am, I shouldn't have to cook my own dinner or carry big heavy things like parsley and blocks of cheese,” you tried your best to mimic his sombre expression back at him, but failed miserably, the two of you breaking into childish giggles as soon as your eyes met.

You took a few breaths to calm down, looking up to find that Yeosang was already smiling at you. His eyes shining with unshed tears from laughing too hard, that same fondness glittering under the warm streetlights.

He brought your joined hands up to his lips, pressing a chaste kiss to your knuckles before turning your hand over and placing another on your wrist.

“My girl…” he whispered, though it sounded almost like a question.

You didn't immediately respond, mind stuttering as the painful swell of your heart faded into something much different, something more gentle and fragile.

Unfortunately for you both, Yeosang mistook your surprise for hesitation, backtracking quickly. “Sorry, I just mean… I'm… only if you want to be, we don't-”

“Can you say it again?”

“Huh?” he'd blinked in confusion, and you were smiling. A slow, giddy sort of smile that made him thankful for the low light of the park.

It was your turn to bring his hand up to your lips, pressing a soft kiss against his racing pulse. “I want my boy to call me his again.”

Yeosang was sure he might implode.

”But you’re here all the time, we might as well move in together at this rate”

Panic sets in when he says it.

You wish it wouldn’t.

The fear that had been digging its way into your thoughts since you’d agreed to be his crawling over your skin, curling into an uncomfortable knot in your throat.

You try to smile when he turns back round, try to remember what the two of you had been discussing when he placed the popcorn in the microwave, but your mind is moving too fast, pulling you further and further into yourself before you can fight it.

“My love? You with me baby?”

His voice calls you back. Just like that time in the cafe, it reaches you easily through the overlapping voices in your head, a hand coming to rest on your cheek. “Yeah… Yeah I’m okay… just tired,” you dismiss easily, placing a hand over his and offering him a strained smile that leaves him thoroughly unconvinced.

He purses his lips, looking thoughtful for a moment before deciding on an answer. “What… what kind of tired?”

“Uhm… regular? Tired?” you try.

“Nono, not that, I mean… body tired? Brain tired? People tired?”

Oh.

You realise what he’s trying to ask, and the answer that immediately comes to mind, clear even in your muddled state almost makes you giggle despite yourself. Wrapping your arms over his shoulders and clasping them behind his neck, pulling him a little closer to you. “I’m a little people tired, it’s been a long week, but I’m not you tired, sangie, I want you to stay.”

“Are you sure?” he asks, hands coming to rest where they’d made a home for themselves on your hips, “we can always raincheck movie night if you’re not feeling up for it you know…”

“I know, my love, thank you,” you say, resting your forehead on his chest, timing your breathing to his heartbeat, the knot in your throat slowly unwinding with each exhale, “I’m really alright though… just happy to be with you right now.”

Yeosang breathes a sigh of relief, pressing his lips to the crown of your head. “That’s my line you know…”

“Oh I’m sorry,” you huff playfully, “I didn’t realise that saying it back was copyright infringement.”

“Hmnnn, that doesn’t make you any less guilty though, now does it?” he hums, wrapping his arms more securely round your waist and slowly swaying your bodies from side to side. “There’s a penalty for this sort of thing you know.”

You snort, tipping your head up to look at him incredulously. “And what might that be, good sir?”

“For a cutie like you? Mmmmmnnn… a dance?”

You gasp, batting your eyelashes in mock horror. “And what if I say it again? What awful sum would I have to pay then?”

He pretends to think for a moment, the two of you now shuffling and swaying in time to music no one else could hear. “Perhaps… a kiss?” he says, head tipping to the side in a way he knows you can't resist.

You tut, shaking your head and sighing defeatedly. “I suppose you leave me no choice then, I’m afraid I must confess that I am immeasurably happy in this moment, I’m so very desperately happy to be with you.”

You both manage to keep up a serious facade for all of two seconds before bursting into fits of giggles, clinging onto each other for dear life.

Once you both calm down, yeosang presses another kiss to your hairline, holding your body close to his, wishing he could somehow be even closer so his heart could rest beside yours even when heaven took his soul.

”You are my small but definite happiness too.”

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