#seeing this had me very fucking emotional

[poespetraven]

Hiiiiiii hellooooooooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii so uh funny story I haven’t watched the new episode yet…

LET ME EXPLAIN

(!!!spoilers for both the X-tale comic and series below!!! (I’ve never tried using the “keep reading” line thingy ooh this is exciting! Heehee look at me being all tumblr proficient! (I still have no idea as to what I’m doing (shoot sorry I got distracted.))))

I DID REREAD THE X-TALE COMIC AND REWATCH THE X-TALE SERIES THO AND OH MY GOSH I FORGOT HOW MUCH I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THE X-TALE COMIC, ESPECIALLY THE 2ND HALF OF IT LIKE OH MY GOSH I FORGOT SO MANY LITTLE DETAILS THAT MAKE IT SO MUCH MORE DEVASTATING BRO WHY DO I NEED REREAD THIS MORE OFTEN WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

Anyways, that was fun! I guess in a way it was kinda fun having not read it in a while cause like I got to be surprised by some things I forgot. Like Cross almost killing Frisk in the very beginning and then panicking about it and feeling awful. The slow build up of his suspicion of Frisk. And the whole deal with Papyrus secretly protecting Cross from his blasters to make Undyne and Frisk think he killed Cross. I had been thinking that Cross saved himself for a while now. And you know what? You know what that does? YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MAKES EXTRA DEVASTATING?! YOU KNOW WHAT OTHER KNIFE TWISTING DETAIL I FORGOT?! CROSS INITIALLY SPARED PAPYRUS! DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?! DO YOU?!?!?!? CAUSE I DIDN’T! I FORGOT! BUT AFTER CROSS KILLED EVERYBODY HE LEFT PAPYRUS TOTALLY UNHARMED AND WAS LIKE “Papyrus wants me happy 🥰” AND PAPYRUS IS JUST LIKE STANDING THERE AND THEN HE’S LIKE HES LIKE “yeah but like maybe you went like a little too far-“ THEN BOOM HES FUCKING DEAD. CROSS KILLS HIM! LIKE URGHHHHHH IT HURTS IT PHYSICALLY HURTS ME! AND THEN LIKE WHAT HAPPENS DIRECTLY AFTER? LIKE I FORGOT ABOUT FRISK TRYING TO GIVE CROSS THE HEART LOCKET AND THEN CHARA ACCIDENTALLY KILLING FRISK!!! LIKE I HAVE I ROBBED MYSELF BY NOT REMEMBERING THIS ANGST! IT MAKES CROSS’ REALIZATION THAT HE CAN’T ACTUALLY BRING EVERYBODY BACK EVEN MORE DEVASTATING!

So uh yeah I had a very fun time rereading the comic. And then I rewatched the X-Take series like the next day and OH MY GOSH IT WAS EVEN BETTER HAVING JUST READ THE COMIC LIKE IT JUST HITS SO MUCH HARDER AND I should probably stop there before I jump into another rant. This post was not supposed to be this long oops. I’ll just summarize what I was going to say by saying that this series gives me Feelings and Emotions.

BUT I STILL HAVENT WATCHED THE NEW UNDERVERSE EPISODE! I’ve being holding off for a day when my family is out of the house for long enough for me to rewatch all of Underverse Season 2 plus the new episode cause I want to try and see if I can put it on our television. BUT GUYS I DONT KNOW IF I CAN WAIT ANY LONGER! I THINK IM GONNA CAVE! LIKE I DON’T NEED TO WATCH IT LIKE THAT! LIKE ITS A NICE IDEA SURE BUT LIKE WOULD I REALLY ENJOY THE EPISODE LESS IF I DIDN’T WATCH IT LIKE THAT? NO! WHY AM I DOING THIS! I DONT KNOW! WHY AM POSTING THIS ON TUMBLR? WHY AM I STILL TYPING? WHO IS EVEN GOING TO READ THIS? HEY YOU THERE! YEAH YOU! WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? WHATS GOING ON?

…well I think I have officially decided that I am not going to wait until the house is empty to watch the new episode cause that’s stupid. I’m going watch it on my laptop with my headphones and a cozy blanket on my bed the way it was intended and it is going to be fucking fantastic.

UNDERVERSE 0.8 PART 1 Premiere

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

Hi, just curious. What's your 10 or 20 fave BL kisses from bl series/dramas/web series you've watched or are watching, if you have any?

Hey Anon,

I don't know if you remember this ask, it has been sitting in my inbox for a while now. Sorry for the late reply!

And of course I have favorite kisses. I love a good kiss. In my definition of a good kiss, it doesn't need to be the perfect angle or the perfect "lip-touching", I don't know, people rate such scenes differently. For me it is more about the emotions I could feel during that kiss, the build-up or if there is a special detail that really catches my breath. I guess you'll understand, what I mean when you see my choices.

This is not a ranking! It is in alphabetical order, not just because I don't want to rank them, but because I am lazy.

Bad Buddy

The iconic rooftop kiss. The whole build-up was perfect. The tears? The first short kiss followed by this gorgeous kiss filled with all the emotions one person can feel? What is not to like about this kiss!?

Be My Favorite

I was very protective of these two and especially Krist. People were saying, he can't kiss other man because he is homophobic and what is this then? Yes, I remember Sotus. The kisses were.. not good, but I gave Be My Favorite a chance and this kiss was so soft and so full of love and tenderness. I really enjoyed this whole scene a lot! And Kris can kiss.

Boys Be Brave!

This kiss came as a big surprise for me. It is Jinwoo trying to hide from Kisub and the letter finding him what leads to this quiet and beautiful first kiss. I loved everything about it!

Ghost Host, Ghost House

All of there kisses were so good! But I loved the teasing and the chasing in this scene especially. Those two have incredible good chemistry and I wish we could see more of them.

History 3: Make Our Days Count

Oh the desperation for each other was so real in this one. Both wanted each other so bad! But what I loved the most about this whole scene was the way how Sun Bo Xiang reassured Lu Zhi Gang that he desired all of him. So good!

I Feel You Linger In The Air

The most painful and saddest kiss in bl-history! It is such a wonderful scene. Everything about it made me cry and smile at the same time. Gorgeous scene!

Jack and Joker

They finally confessed and kissed for the first time. And what a kiss this was! It left the most of us speechless and a little bit breathless. The way Jack stopped the kiss in the middle to calm Joke down a little bit and they started the kiss again so fucking tender and argh! I love it so much!!!

Love Class 2

Love Class 2 has some really good kisses, but this one was something else! It is one of the softest kisses ever. I don't know how many times I have rewatched this whole scene. Just look at them. You can feel the softness of this kiss! And there were sounds during that scene... they were something else.

Love For Love's Sake

I really didn't expect that kiss at the end of this series. I hoped for a tight hug, but hello? Those two and the script kept delivering until the very end. This was pure perfection.

Love Mechanics

Yeah, well... perhaps I am just a sucker for YinWar kissing... I don't know. But every time I see this kiss I want to live in this scene forever and I would be perfectly fine. I am just sitting here, wanting to write about this kiss and I stared at it for an unhealthy period of time and forgot everything else. That is really bad. I love that kiss so much!

My Stand-In

They had some good kisses. This was not one of them, but this specific moment, when Joe gave in to the kiss, I was blown away. He really didn't want to like this kiss, but his heart still wanted it. The emotions!

My Tooth Your Love

Every once in a while there are these cute and small kisses, so ordinary and overlooked. I think these are very important to portrait a good and real relationship. Because kisses don't need to be these big moments in slow-motion and with different angles. Yes, those are nice, but I really adore those "small" ones that show the love between the characters.

Perfect Propose

The reason I picked this scene is because of the build-up. Hirokuni asked Kai not to call him Hiro, but Kai just ignored him and breathed Hiro and followed with this passionate kiss and I was just in awe.

Sing My Crush

I was absolutely not expecting this kiss! I thought we got this dead-fish-kiss and that would be it. I would have love the series nevertheless, but this scene? Damn, Korea! Such a good kiss!

The Heart Killers

I don't think those two are the best kissers in the industry. I think they have some good chemistry without a doubt. But this kiss. This moment here. It was everything for me. I can feel Style's hand on Fadel's head. I can feel it. And I love it! I am not normal about this scene! Everything about these few seconds brings me so much joy. The look on Fadel's face, the hand and everything that happend before and followed afterwards.

The Day I Loved You

This is still one of my favorite rooftop-kisses. For me it is the way they grab each other to pull the other one close. The way they want to crawl into each other, to feel the other person everywhere. Such a perfect first kiss! Such a perfect scene.

To My Star 2

I love these small kisses. I name them "A thousand little kisses". Those kisses make me smile and so happy! There is nothing more to say about it. I love them. To My Star is just an example for many other shows out there with these little kisses.

Unknown

I loved this whole scene. But this segment of the kiss, this little dance of them, is so good. I can't tell you how many times I just watched this specific scene. How easy Yuan maneuvered Qian around to close the door. How they kept kissing. I... I... nope. There are no words in my head anymore.

Well, these are a few of my favorite kisses. There are more, but I guess this list is long enough. I hope you like my little selection :) I wish you a wonderful day!

[foolnamedjoey]

hi guys. so im back to the batman au lore :)

all of this was drawn on like 4 pages I got really into it when I was suppose to be doing finals

lore under cut! :P

oh man ,, this is gonna be long TRUST!!🙏🙏

copied twice to take less space!

this shits jsut a summary I have so many little fucking scenes in my head that a may or may not draw during the breakkk unless something FUCKS ME OVER we'll see

Around three years after Richard became Robin, the year before Jason gets into highschool, he was kidnapped by the Joker- who are both unaware of his attachment the Batman. Jason isn't the only hostage, but what's important is that Jason is a hostage in the first place. Joker knew any amount of hostages would lure the Batman out of hiding, and through Joker and Batman's fight Jason slowly pieces together who the Batman really is. He quickly becomes upset, realizing both his adopted father and most likely brother have been lying to him for years. And when Batman fails to save Jason, the person that's suppose to protect him no matter what, fails, and gets Jason killed, the young boy has nothing but grief and anger in his quickly fading mind. Once Jason is buried, Dick becomes angered, and storms to the Arkham Asylum- but is intercepted by Bruce, who protects Joker. This only acts to make Grayson angrier, and while the two argue Dick begins to blame not only Joker but also Batman, Bruce, for Jason's death. Eventually, Batman convinces Grayson to return to the Wayne Manor. But in the morning, Grayson is missing and Joker is found dead in the Asylum. Grayson runs to Bludhaven and makes friends with the Titans. At this point, Bruce has had relations with Talia Al Ghul, and she convinces Ra's to revive Jason using the Lazarus Pit. After his revival, Jason is revived with a lack of reaction and emotion. He simply listens and obeys, being a shell of his former self. Talia does not tell Bruce they revived Jason because of this, and Ra's took to opportunity to train Jason as a member of the LOA.

Years later, Tim Drake, a young boy just in highschool(with both his parents) begins developing a curiosity in the rumor of "The Batman"- as a man fitting the rumor's description has begin appearing as a "unidentified dangerous person" on local news reports. Tim starts listening to every rumor he can, and tracking the "unidentified dangerous person" reports. Eventually after collecting information and encountering "The Batman" himself, Tim begins researching the "Robin" rumors that had faded out around 4 years ago. This leads him to the public figure- "Nightwing". A powerless superhero who's home base seems to be in Gotham's sister city, Bludhaven- who appeared in the city right after the Robin rumors faded. Tim ends up coming to correct conclusion that Nightwing was that "Robin" and proceeds to hack into Titan systems to talk to Nightwing for himself. He tries to and pleads Nightwing to come back to Gotham as the Batman has seemed to become more violent over the recent years and might actually kill someone. Unexpectedly, Nightwing doesn't care a bit. He ends up telling if he wants to stop the Batman from killing someone to just call the authorities on the guy. But Tim ends up taking matters into his own hands. Tim begins tracking the Batman and even starting to go out and physically stop him from injuring anyone too severely- thereby becoming the new rumored "Robin". Eventually Tim traces the Batman back to Bruce Wayne- and instead of the man taking him in as a real Robin, Bruce told him to get lost. Tim rather went to Nightwing, and began to learn how to defend himself.

Almost a year after Tim became the rumored Robin, a single name began to come up around again. The Red Hood, and suddenly, those whispers became very apparent to Bruce and Tim. A mysterious individual- or individuals- began taking over large parts of the Gotham crime rings with violence, black mail, and pure smarts. The possible group or singular person began taunting the Batman with things no one has ever known about him. Eventually, after months of Bruce spiraling and Tim watching from afar, the Robin reaches out to Nightwing for help. He ends up agreeing as long as he doesn't have to meet with the Batman. Grayson, with the help of the Titans ends up figuring out some things by sticking their heads in laces they shouldn't. Nightwing ends up coming face-to-face with Red Hood, and after the whole ordeal only came out with a scowl and the confirmation that it was one person pulling the strings.

part 1 for lore of Jason + Grayson's backstory

[bluebirdsfeathers]

Cookies

Relationship: Wanda Maximoff x fem!reader

Summary: angst and fluff :) Reader tries to bake Wanda some cookies but her emotions bubble over when things don’t go to plan. Good thing Wanda is there to make it all better.

Tw: negative self talk, minor injury.

Word: 1k

A/n: i really wanted to post wayyy more this month but i ended up back in hospital again :/ i started writing this weeks ago but it’s finally done.

This week had been exhausting. With December arriving the deadlines for your assignments were drawing closer. You had several projects that would need turning in soon, most of which you hadn’t even looked at yet. The stress was mounting inside you and what wasn’t helping was the absence of your girlfriend. Wanda.

She’d been pulled away on a mission leaving you alone for the past few days. You missed her deeply. She had sent you a text about the most recent battle making your struggles pale in comparison. The safety of humanity vs an end of term paper wasn’t something even worth debating.

So you didn’t mention it. Besides she was coming home today so you spent the day cleaning; making sure Wanda could relax and put her feet up as soon as she got home to your shared apartment. You’d gone grocery shopping and picked up some fresh flowers as well as ingredients to bake her favourite double chocolate cookies.

As you scrubbed down the bathroom counters all you could think about was your work. An attempt was made to start a project but you didn’t get very far. All the staring at a blank word doc had done was give you a headache. You were so lost in thought of your earlier failure you hadn’t registered the kitchen timer going off.

“Fuck!” You said after checking the time seeing it had been two hours since you put the cookies in the oven. You hurried to the kitchen after smelling the burning. Stupidly you opened the oven door, momentarily blinding yourself as a cloud of smoke engulfed the room setting off the smoke alarm.

“No no no…” Wanda would be home soon and you’d ruined the surprise. Too busy thinking about your own problems. There wasn’t enough time nor did you have enough ingredients to bake another batch. Everything was going wrong today. You couldn’t do anything right. Frantically waving your hands about you tried to clear the smoke. The alarm yelled at you for your mistakes. Its noise stopped you from hearing the front door open.

“Y/n?!” Wanda rushed to the kitchen after seeing the smoke, worried something was on fire, but all she saw was you frantically waving your hands around. She smiled slightly before using her magic to clear the air.

You jumped and quickly spun around as you realized who was there. “W-Wanda!” Instinctively you reached for the tray of cremated cookies, wanting to hide the evidence but forgetting they would still be hot. The hot metal tray burnt your skin and you let out a paid cry.

“Baby no,” Wanda looked concerned as she hurried over to help, “shhhh it’s okay.” She took your hand in hers as she used her magic to heal you but the damage had been done. The small burn had opened the flood gates and weeks of stress began to pour out.

“Does it still hurt?” Wanda asked as you started to cry. You shook your head no. “Whats wrong baby… tell me.” You lean back on the kitchen counter sliding down to the floor. Wanda sits next to you.

You felt silly crying like this. Face red, eyes squeezed tight, loudly sobbing in front of your girlfriend. Frustrated and angry at yourself for not being able to function like everyone else. Wanda looked at you with nothing but concern. “Baby please tell me whats wrong. Are you hurt? Do you not feel well?”

“Just… college work,” you manage to squeeze some words past your sobs. “Been stressed…” You felt embarrassed telling Wanda you’re stressed. She just got back from a life threatening mission and here you are complaining about your stupid day to day life. What you were going through was nothing compared to the dangerous, life threatening, world ending—

“Hey! Your life isn’t stupid.” Wanda interrupts your thoughts catching you off guard.

“No mind reading!” You shot back after you realized what she was doing.

“Sorry baby,” She said guiltily, “but the other half of that deal is be honest with me. I know I was busy but you can still tell me if something wrong.” Wanda looked up at the attempt at cookies and back down at you. “You’re so selfless baby. You did all this for me even when you felt like this?”

You flop over onto your side and pull your legs to your chest, hiding your face. “Doesn’t matter I ruined it. I’m the worst girlfriend ever.”

Wanda laughs, “oh? You’re the worst girlfriend ever are you?”

“…yeah”

“I don’t know, i don’t think the worst girlfriend ever would clean the whole apartment top to bottom, buy fresh flowers and bake my favorite cookies all while dealing with so much else.” You sit back up and see Wanda staring at you with so much love in her eyes it makes you tear up all over again.

“I’m sorry…”

“Shhhh baby,” Wanda pulls you into a hug. “No more apologies. Let’s go cuddle on the couch. Let me take care of my favourite girl.” She pulls you up off the floor and carries you into the living room. You love how Wanda could effortlessly pick you up. It makes you feel so safe to be held in her arms. She sits down on the couch with you on her lap.

“I can make you cookies tomorrow promise.” You say getting comfortable and snuggling into your girlfriend.

“Okay but we’re going to make your favorite not mine, deal?” Wanda whispers in your ear as she rubs circles on your back.

“Deal.” After a stressful day you feel yourself relax against your girlfriend. Tomorrow would be better.

[naughtyneganjdm]

Christmas in Jackson - Chapter 4

Summary: Joel wakes up confused with the emotions that he is feeling for Y/N. While they try to talk about things, Tommy realizes that there might be something there between them so he invites Y/N to take a day trip with him and Joel to allow them to get closer.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Tommy Miller, Maria, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61159651/chapters/157234900

Warnings: Swearing, Severe Angst, A Very Tragic Backstory for the character of Y/N, Depressing Conversations, etc.

Notes: Sorry for updating this late, but it's the best time for me to update things. So I'm sorry if there are any errors. Thanks to those that continue read this. This chapter has a tragic backstory for the Y/N character that might be depressing and I want to alert people of that just in case it may trigger them. If you want to read previous chapters, you can find them here.

Waking up feeling good was not something that Joel was used to. In fact? Every morning when Joel woke up, he felt miserable. Each day, it grew harder for Joel just to do anything. Living became a chore and it was hard. But this morning? What Joel felt was unlike anything he felt in a very long time. Comfort. Warmth. When he finally started to stir, he felt relaxed and at ease. So much so that that when he woke up this morning due to the sunlight that was shining through the partially opened blind of the window, he didn’t even bother to get up. Everything felt so nice that he just closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth that was wrapped up in his arms.

Sleeping and relaxing was not something he enjoyed. So he wasn’t going to fight this feeling. Not when it felt so good to finally be at peace. Even for a little while. Forcing his eyes open was hard, but when he finally did? The memories from the night before flooded into his mind. Tipping his head down, the warmth of Y/N’s body cuddled in closer to him with her still asleep. Smirking, Joel nuzzled his nose in against the side of her neck. This turned out to be a very complicated thing between them, but he liked it. More than he should have. Squeezing his arm firmly around her waist brought her closer to him and this whole thing made him question things. Was last night just drunken actions brought out because of liquid courage? Had what they done been a mistake? Regardless of those answers, he knew that this was not a feeling that he was used to.

Settling in again, Joel’s eyes fluttered to a close knowing that it had been a long time since he was able to sleep in like this. And that’s exactly what he did. Fell back asleep. There wasn’t a want to force himself to get up. That was until he felt the vibrating of his cell phone in his pocket. At first it was annoying because he was so tired he didn’t realize what it was. But when he did? His eyes opened wide with a panicked breath falling from his lips. Raising his head from the pillow, Joel unhooked his arm unhurriedly from around her waist. Digging his hand into his pocket, Joel scoffed when he had a hard time getting his phone out. Finally getting it from his pocket, he lifted it up. Squinting his eyes, Joel had a hard time seeing what the screen was saying. His eyesight was still incredibly blurry. When things came to, Joel cussed out and looked over his shoulder to see what time it was.

“Fuck,” Joel slurred noticing that it was eleven and he had promised to meet Tommy at nine downstairs. That meant he was two hours late. And he had plans with Tommy. Which made this whole thing bad.

Raising his head just enough, Joel checked to make sure that Y/N was still sleeping. Even though he didn’t want to, he carefully slid out from behind her. Taking his time, he was cautious in the way he helped her get cuddled back into bed before he got up slowly. More than anything, he wanted her to be able to relax, so he didn’t rush. He quietly moved through the room, grabbing his boots from the floor. Something caught his foot causing him to stumble from her bedroom into the sitting room and it had him cussing under his breath. Working his boots on, Joel tried to come up with a good lie to give Tommy. Because the truth? The truth would only be too hard to explain. What could he say to Tommy that was actually believable?

Once more his phone started to vibrate in his pocket. Grunting out, Joel realized that Tommy was persistent with this. And it made sense because Tommy was very on about things all the time. Moving to the door, Joel was cautious in the way he opened it because he didn’t want to wake her up. Managing to get the door open, Joel snuck out with his back turned. When the door clicked closed, Joel dropped his hands down to pull his pants back together. Turning on his heel as he started hooking his belt back up, Joel felt his heart drop. Jumping, Joel’s eyes connected with Tommy’s from where Tommy was leaning back against the wall that was directly across from the suite. It was almost as if Tommy was expecting him. With a half smile, Joel cleared his throat as he stood up straight.

Dropping his hands, Joel heard his undone belt jangle and he let out a hesitant sound, “Tommy. Hey.”

“Goddamn it Joel,” Tommy huffed, throwing his hand up in the air drawing attention to his cell phone. Ending the call, Tommy shoved his phone back into his pocket. Suddenly Joel felt like a child that had been caught red handed doing something awful. “When I couldn’t find you this morning, I had a feeling that this was where you were. Seeing you with that girl last night?! She’s one of our guests Joel.”

“No, it’s not…it’s not what it looks like,” Joel tried to explain himself, dropping his head down when Tommy looked down at his belt. Haphazardly hooking the belt together, Joel stepped away from the door and toward his younger brother. “Okay, it looks bad, but nothing happened. We just were talking and then we slept together. I mean, actually slept. Not the naughty sleep.”

“Joel, she was drunk as a skunk by the time she walked out that door with you,” Tommy reminded Joel with a firm shake of his head. Joel winced when he realized that he himself had a hangover and the sound of Tommy lecturing him along with the bright lights was doing a number on his headache. “That woman couldn’t make any kind of decisions…”

“We were both drunk, but I swear I didn’t sleep with her,” Joel reiterated to his brother not wanting him to think that he took advantage of a drunk woman. That made him look bad and he was surprised that Tommy would even think he’d do something like that. But suddenly? He grew embarrassed thinking of the truth. “We just…cuddled?”

“You? You cuddled?” Tommy repeated what Joel had said, his eyes narrowing when he gazed over his brother. “Then why were your pants undone if nothing happened last night?”

“Okay, well…” Joel thought about that and realized how Tommy could think that was something bad. Now he really was starting to feel like a child being lectured by their parent. “So we may have kissed once.”

“Once?” Tommy didn’t seem to think everything was adding up with Joel sucking in a sharp breath of air. Red was flooding into Joel’s face with Tommy’s eyebrow arching up in curiosity. “Joel did you sleep with that woman?”

“I slept with her, but I didn’t sleep with her. I didn’t have sex,” Joel blurt out, hooking his arm around Tommy’s shoulders to get him to move away from the door that led to Y/N’s room. With them bickering, Joel was nervous that Y/N would be able to hear it. “I swear when I tell you nothing happened, I mean it. We kissed some last night and that’s all we did. And, y’know what? Really? It’s your fault that we did!”

“My fault? It’s my fault?” Tommy’s eyes grew wide, his hand placing in over the center of his chest. “It’s my fault that you and Y/N started kissing? How in God’s name do you reckon I did that big brother?”

“By putting up mistletoe in front of our fucking inn. Why the hell would you hang mistletoe up with all of them decorations Tommy?” Joel snapped, defending himself in the moment. Really, when he brought her home last night he had no plans of kissing her. The only reason he did was because of that mistletoe. That started the whole thing. Pointing toward the front of the hotel in the direction of the decorations, Joel’s brown eyes grew wide and Tommy still was frustrated along with confused.

“Mistletoe? Joel, you’re talking crazy,” Tommy snorted eliciting an annoyed eye roll from Joel. Reaching for Tommy’s arm, Joel led his brother down the steps and outside. Stepping out onto the sidewalk, Joel pointed up toward the mistletoe that the woman had mentioned the night before.

“See. It’s mistletoe. You put up fucking mistletoe. We were out here talking and then this old woman came out of the inn lecturing us about how if we didn’t kiss, it would be bad luck. So we ended up kissing and…” Joel went to continue, realizing that he was rambling too damn much with Tommy’s dark eyes hooked on the decoration that he put up. “Why would you even put that there Tommy? That’s where our guests show up to check in. What if we have someone helping our guests in and they both end up underneath that?”

“Are you outta your goddamn mind?” Tommy stepped forward, grabbing a hold of Joel’s shoulders to get him to focus on the decoration he was venting about. Holding his hand up, Tommy grunted behind Joel. “That there Joel, is holly. Not mistletoe.”

“No. No, see the woman distinctly said it was mistletoe. And if we didn’t kiss it would lead to a ton of bad luck,” Joel recalled what had happened the night before. Suddenly things started to spin around him with the idea that he was wrong. “That’s definitely mistletoe.”

“What old woman? We don’t have an old woman staying here Joel,” Tommy educated his brother, his nose wrinkling at his brother insisting that he didn’t know what the decoration was. “That there is holly, Joel.”

“No, it’s…” Joel out of the corner of his eye saw Maria heading out the doors. Scrambling for Maria, Joel hooked his arm around her to lead her back with him and Tommy. “Maria, would you please tell your husband that the decoration that is right there is mistletoe?”

“Why would I do that?” Maria froze up in Joel’s grasps, eyeing over her shoulder back at Joel. His big, brown eyes looked shocked since she wasn’t saying what he wanted to hear. “That’s holly.”

“I told you,” Tommy asserted to his brother, a laugh falling deep from within his throat. “How did you get holly mixed up with mistletoe Joel? Holly is the one with the red berries and the dark green leaves. That’s not mistletoe.”

“Why are the two of you having a disagreement about holly?” Maria was entertained that the two of them were bickering outside over this. They often fought a lot, but never over something so…unimportant?

“Because Joel confused the holly for mistletoe and he ended up kissing Y/N last night because of it. Started blaming me because he said I put up mistletoe,” Tommy alerted Maria causing a rush of color to flood into Joel’s face with him getting embarrassed. Now he felt like an idiot for this whole thing. The woman last night was wrong and clearly neither him nor Y/N knew what mistletoe looked like. “I found him sneaking out of her suite just now.”

“Oh,” Maria thought about what Tommy said, her eyes getting big when she actually fully acknowledged it. “Oh!”

“Nothing happened,” Joel repeated what he had told Tommy, seeing the curiosity that flooded Maria’s features and the smile that followed. Why was no one believing him? “Nothing happened. I swear.”

“If you say so,” Maria reached out to pat Joel on the shoulder. Groaning out, Joel lifted his hand to cover his eyes. Both the stress of this and the sunlight was giving him a migraine at this point. “Tommy, go take your brother inside and get him something to help him with his hangover.”

“Yes ma’am,” Tommy was quick to agree, dragging Joel into the building and toward the empty bar knowing that no one else would be there so they could talk. Sitting Joel down, Tommy grabbed Joel some medication for his headache and then brought him some coffee. “So…now you like this girl? Last time I spoke to you, you couldn’t stand her.”

“I…” Joel could have lied, his dark eyes lifting to meet Tommy’s stare. Sure, he always bickered with the girl, but he didn’t think he hated her. “I don’t know. We hardly know each other.”

“But you liked her enough to sleep with her,” Tommy stressed to his brother getting another glare from Joel. Throwing his hands up, Tommy knew that if looks could kill he would be dead. “Sleep with her. Not have sex with her.”

“Thank you,” Joel appreciated that Tommy acknowledged that bit. At this point, he was still fairly certain that both Tommy and Maria thought he had sex with Y/N. “I’m sorry I didn’t meet you at nine. I just, I was so comfortable that I ignored what time it was and I just went back to bed. It felt…”

“Nice?” Tommy finished for Joel with his lips parting. At that moment his Adam’s apple bounced in his throat. Dropping his head down, Joel shakily brushed his fingers throughout his hair and hissed. Giving Tommy one single nod made Tommy smile brightly. “Wow. Not what I saw happening. You like the new girl.”

“She’s crazy,” Joel exclaimed, throwing his hand up in the air after he tossed the pills into his mouth. “Who jumps on a plane with no idea where they are going?”

“She did,” Tommy answered Joel who continued to vent.

“Who takes the advice of a random stranger, doesn’t even study where they are going and ends up freezing because they got themselves into this mess?” Joel continued to ramble drawing out a snort from Tommy.

“She did,” Tommy repeated his answer, sliding in beside his brother realizing that his brother was having a tiny meltdown about the woman that had just come to their inn.

“I can’t like someone like that. I’m nothing like that,” Joel exhaled loudly, the lines in his forehead growing deeper. “Who ends up having feelings for someone in a day?”

“You do,” Tommy was quick to respond, getting a glare from Joel that made him laugh out loud. It was interesting to see Joel like this. Especially since Tommy couldn’t remember a time when a woman had Joel flustered in a good way.

“This isn’t funny Tommy. She’s a mess,” Joel repeated what he knew to be true. Even last night when they were in the bar together, her drunk rant proved that to him. “She makes crazy, impulsive decisions without thinking them through.”

“So?” Tommy didn’t know why that was a bad thing. Having Joel panic about that of all things didn’t make sense to Tommy. “You’re a mess too.”

“Thanks for that,” Joel sneered, his head dropping down with his brother only confirming what Joel also knew to be true. The thought of all of this had an ache growing at the center of Joel’s chest. “I found her infuriating at first.”

“What changed that?” Tommy wondered, his brown eyes searching his brother’s trying to understand what happened that had Joel’s opinion of her change completely.

“She did,” Joel didn’t elaborate, his hand placing in over the center of his chest. Trying to gather words, Joel didn’t know what he could say. He wasn’t exactly sure where to start because he didn’t know when he started feeling things for her. “It can’t be anything though because she just got here. I barely know the woman.”

“Sometimes, when you know you know,” Tommy stammered, tapping his hand against the bar top watching Joel take a long swig of the coffee. “All it takes is a look sometimes for you to know you’re hooked. That’s all it took for me with Maria.”

“She’s nothing like any of the woman I’ve gotten with before,” Joel considered his past and thought back on the women he had in his life previously. Comparing her to them was hard because she didn’t have much in common with them.

“Maybe that’s a good thing?” Tommy pointed out, throwing his hand about realizing that this was the most his brother probably talked in the last few months. “It’s kinda cute seeing you flustered over a woman. That must have been some kiss.”

“Don’t,” Joel begged realizing that Tommy was poking fun at him. “You’re gonna start acting weird around her which is gonna make things worse in general. I don’t even know if she wanted to really kiss me last night or if it was because we were both drunk. She may not even remember doing it.”

“Is that something you would prefer?” Tommy pushed his brother for information, actually wanting to know Joel’s feelings on the issue. “Would you rather ignore things between you both?”

“She’s gonna leave Tommy,” Joel reminded his brother about the woman that they were currently talking about. “She’s from New York City. She’s just here because her mental health was poor and she needed to escape a bad situation. Once she gathers herself, she’s just gonna leave. And then what?”

“When’s the last time you had a relationship with someone?” Tommy questioned waiting for his brother to answer, but Joel refused. “When is the last time that you did anything with anyone?”

Again, Joel didn’t answer Tommy he just forced himself to look away, “Why is it so bad to allow yourself to get close to someone? Even if for a while.”

“Because I’m not like you,” Joel reminded Tommy, a scoff falling from his parted lips. “I’m not the hopeless romantic that makes people happy. I’m the last person that people want to have a relationship with. I don’t make emotional connections with people.”

“Well, maybe it’s time to change that,” Tommy threw his hands up in the air trying to persuade his brother that this whole thing wasn’t what he thought it was. Reaching for the coffee, Joel took a long sip of it and grumbled to himself. “I never saw you dance with anyone. Not even Tess when the two of you were together. She got you to do things I’ve never seen.”

“Only because I was worried that someone would take advantage of her,” Joel explained, setting the coffee cup down and waving his hand about in the air. Last night when she ran off to dance, he was genuinely concerned that someone in town would take advantage of her. “She was running her mouth off about things because she was very much drunk. Certain people heard her talkin’ and I think they would have tried to do something.”

“Look at you coming in and being her hero,” Tommy teased Joel, reaching out to poke Joel in the ribs multiple times. The first poke had Joel arching away from Tommy, the next few had Joel’s glare growing. A low rumble of an amused sound followed from Tommy who got comfortable beside Joel again. “I don’t see the problem here big brother. You saved a girl from getting hurt. You walked her home. You kissed and the two of you…cuddled? If something more comes of it? Good. If nothing comes from it? Then whatever. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing.”

“I’ve worked really hard to keep myself from getting close to anyone,” Joel reminded Tommy with a frown, reaching up to shakily brush his fingers through his hair. A smirk tugged at Tommy’s lips with how that caused Joel’s hair to become messier than it already was. “Good things never happen when I get close to people.”

“Maybe that’s just bullshit that you’ve tried to convince yourself,” Tommy thought aloud, tapping his hands on top of the bar hearing movement behind them. The bar was still closed until tonight so there should have been no one in there. A relieved breath escaped Tommy when he saw it was just one of their employees coming in to clean up. “Maybe you’re not bad luck. You just haven’t found the right people. Maybe things are starting to look up for you.”

Joel went quiet. It was hard to really think that was the case after everything he had gone through in his life. Good luck was not something he had often. But would it really be good developing feelings for a woman he hardly knew? A woman that lived across the country from him? That didn’t sound like good luck. That sounded complicated. And he wasn’t sure that he was ready for more complications in his life.

Since he had moved to Jackson, he had been able to shut himself off from the world. In this small town, he only had to deal with the people that lived here and the guests that came to stay in their inn. Even at that though, Tommy and Maria were the ones that dealt mostly with the guests. It was rare that he did. Joel just did a lot of the other things around the inn. Now having this girl come swooping into his life having him acting in ways he hadn’t in a very long time scared him.

“I’m sorry I missed doing that thing today,” Joel apologized realizing that this whole time had been spent on talking about Y/N when he had plans to do something with Tommy originally. “I should have set an alarm. I hope you had fun.”

“Oh, we didn’t go yet. We are actually planning on leaving in like an hour or two,” Tommy alerted Joel, looking to his wrist to check the time. “Something happened this morning that was kinda big. We decided to push it back a couple of hours. So you can still go. Which reminds me, I have to go do a few things. Meet you in a few? You won’t go disappearing on me again now, will you?”

“Tommy,” Joel scoffed, reaching for his coffee again. With a smirk, Tommy got up from his seat. Reaching out to pat Joel on the shoulder, Tommy gave his brother a wink and then walked away leaving Joel to himself sitting at the bar.

Once he was alone, Joel started thinking about things more so in depth. Even though he hated to admit it, he really did enjoy kissing Y/N last night. Ever since he left her hotel room, all he could think about was her. The way it felt to kiss her. How right it felt to wake up with her in his arms this morning. It had been a long time since Joel had allowed himself to relax to that level with someone.

Finishing up his coffee, Joel got up and paced for a while. Truthfully he didn’t know where to go from here. Would he avoid Y/N? Would he try to talk to her? What could he do? She was a guest in the inn that he owned. There would really be no avoiding her. This was a small town. At some point they would run into each other whether he wanted them to or not.

But? Honestly? He didn’t want to avoid her.

Heading to the restaurant, Joel grabbed a couple of things and then headed back into the lobby. Sitting down on the bottom step of the large staircase in the lobby Joel waited. And surprisingly he didn’t have to wait long. Hearing the sound of movement, Joel looked over his shoulder to see that moving down the stairs groggily was Y/N. Rubbing at her eyes, she stopped at the split section of the stairs to yawn. The way she stretched out her body caused Joel to smirk. Fuck. He needed to stop doing that. It was almost an involuntary action. Why was just looking at this girl making him want to smile?

Standing up from the bottom step, Joel turned on his heel and waited for her to make it down the stairs. Once her tired eyes fluttered to an open, he shifted on his feet nervously when their eyes connected. Lifting her hand up to give Joel a slight wave elicited him to give her a small nod in response. Unhurriedly she moved down the steps and when she made it to the final one, she stopped to stare out at him.

“Hi,” Joel spoke quietly, not sure of what to say while he stood before her. Truthfully? He probably looked awkward just staring out at her like he was.

“Hi,” she repeated with a weak smile.

Suddenly there was silence between the two of them when he lifted his hands, “These are for you.”

“For me?” she stammered, a bit of color flooding into her cheeks at the idea of it when Joel lowered them down. Nodding again, Joel found himself tipping his head from side to side.

“Follow me?” Joel requested motioning her to get off the stairs. After she did, he led her around the large staircase and beyond the Christmas tree toward the sitting area in the back. Since it was midday and most people were off doing something else there weren’t many people there. That meant the sitting area was left open for them to be alone. Allowing her to take a seat by the fire, he heard her groan when she buried her head into her hands. “Here, it’s a latte to help with the fatigue and I got you some oatmeal.”

“Oatmeal?” she lifted her head, her eyes narrowing questioning his reasoning.

“Yeah, it’s uh…it’s got some honey and some fruit in it. It’s supposed to help with the hangover. I figured you mighta had one,” Joel commented handing her over the two things he had gotten her from the restaurant in the inn. Setting the bag that he gave her on the table near them, she was quick to take a sip of the latte first. “You’re really gonna want to eat that oatmeal. Take it from someone who is probably the king of hangovers. It’s gonna help you.”

Watching her closely, Joel lowered down into his seat and got comfortable. There was some silence between the two of them and he cleared his throat, “So how is Doctor Love doing this morning?”

“Excuse me?” she responded, her brow line creasing when she started digging into the bag for the cup of oatmeal that he had gotten for her. Setting it down on the table, she pulled out the plastic spoon and her head tipped to the side.

“Well, I don’t know if you remember the things you said last night after drinking as much as you did…” Joel began wondering if he should really say this considering how drunk she was, but he wanted to poke at her just a little bit. “But I’m pretty sure around town you are going to be known as the doctor who gives amazing blowjobs. The one who can make someone experience the biggest orgasms because she was trained to know the human body.”

A loud, coughing sound escaped her lips with her eyes growing big, “No! Come on! I didn’t say that. Please tell me I didn’t say that.”

“Oh, yes you did,” Joel declared with a steady nod provoking the color to flood into her face with embarrassment. “You really stressed very loudly at the bar just how good at giving a blowjob you really were. And people at the bar did hear you.”

“Great,” she groaned out loud getting the first hearty, deep laugh to fall from Joel’s lips. Pinching at the bridge of her nose, she didn’t know how to respond to that. “Please tell me you’re pulling my chain. I didn’t say that.”

“Oh no, you said that. Then you talked about being able to edge someone until they have the most explosive orgasm,” Joel continued, snorting when she reached out to hit him at the center of the chest since he was so amused with her drunk antics. Falling back against the chair, he lifted his arms to block her with laughter continuing to escape him. Dropping her head back, she muttered something under her breath and then reached for her coffee again. Embarrassment was flooding her body and he found it cute. “I think the town is gonna start to know you. And you’ll probably get some of the weirder folks here coming to try to interact with you.”

“Wonderful. That’s exactly what I want to be known for,” she rolled her eyes, not exactly surprised that she did that, but disappointed in herself. “I’m so sorry you had to put up with me last night. I can only imagine how miserable I made you.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I found some of it amusing,” Joel suggested, dropping his hands back down to caress at his knees. Now that he looked back on things, he did find it funny whereas last night he was panicked she would get hurt. “So you don’t remember last night, huh?”

“Like what?” she started to poke at the oatmeal he had gotten her. When she started to eat it, Joel took a look around to make sure that they were alone. Clearing his throat, he slid in closer to her and rest his elbows against his knees. Noticing him near her, she swallowed loudly. “Why? What else did I do?”

“So you don’t remember me walking you home or anything like that?” Joel wondered, deep down wishing that she did. And that surprised him. Taking a moment to think about what he was asking her, she shrugged slightly and took another bite of the oatmeal. “Like nothing about last night rings a bell?”

“Is there something that I should be remembering?” she questioned, her right eyebrow arching in a moment of curiosity. Disappointment seemed to flood Joel’s features with his breathing growing uneven. Leaning back against the chair, he kicked his feet at the floor trying to distract himself. “Joel?”

“No, nothing important,” Joel waved his hand in the air dismissively. If she didn’t remember what happened, then there was no reason for him to bring it up. In its own way, that just made it easier for him to deal with what happened last night.

They both remained quiet until she set the oatmeal down on the table. Sliding in closer to Joel, she wiggled her finger motioning him closer. Thinking that she wanted to whisper something to him, Joel pulled himself to the edge of the chair. Reaching out, her hand palmed in over the side of Joel’s face having his eyes flutter to a tight close. Lazily she dragged her fingers down over his chiseled jawline toward his chin. Tipping his head back, she leaned in to bring their lips together in the softest of kisses. It had a breath catching in his throat and when she pulled back, his eyes unhurriedly opened back up.

“Yes, I remember last night,” she confessed, a wicked smile tugging at her lips showing him that she was just playing with him. His heart was hammering. He really believed her when she was acting like she didn’t remember what the two of them did. “And I don’t regret a minute of it.”

“Really?” Joel’s long eyelashes fluttered, his brown eyes searching hers. As if he was trying to figure out if she was lying to him or not. Right now his breathing was labored and he was fixed on her.

“Really,” she snickered, sliding in again. This time Joel met her halfway with their lips colliding together in a fiery kiss. The first one was very sweet, but this one showed that the both of them still had last night on their minds. Most of the time Joel would have been uncomfortable showing this kind of affection in public, but right now? All he saw was her. Caress after caress of her lips over his felt amazing and he didn’t want to stop. Breathlessly she pulled back slightly to offer up a weak smile. “Thank you for taking care of me last night when I was making a fool of myself.”

With a slow nod of his head, Joel’s hand shakily reached up to drag his thumb across her bottom lip, “although, I do have to admit to you everything gets a little fuzzy after we sat down by the fire. I have memories here and there. But I don’t know how we ended up in my bed. Which I did wake up a few times, but I didn’t have the energy to get up.”

“Well, you crawled up into my lap,” Joel leaned back against the chair still tasting the fruitiness that was left over his lips from her kiss after she had been eating the oatmeal. “We were kissing and then you wanted to give me one of your amazing blowjobs. But? That ended with your head falling into my lap with you passing out.”

“Oh God,” she bit down at her bottom lip, lowering her head down in shame. Snorting at her embarrassment Joel knew that this was not good with how this woman made him feel. “I am so sorry.”

“I’m not,” Joel confessed, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. Even though this went against everything that he was, Joel was smitten with her. “I didn’t think you were capable of making those kind of decisions with how drunk you were. I felt bad for even letting it get as far as we did. So I carried you back into your room, got you ready for bed and you asked me to stay with you.”

“And you did?” she stammered getting Joel to nod again. Joel’s fingertips were nervously stroking over the material over the arms of the chair. It was something that she easily picked up on but didn’t call him out on it. “Thank you. It was the best night of sleep I’ve had in a very long time.”

“The alcohol probably helped,” Joel noted, a weak smile pressing in over his handsome features when she finished off the oatmeal that he had gotten for her. “Although, I reckon I made the biggest fool outta myself this morning when I talked to Tommy about it.”

“You told Tommy?” she was surprised to hear that, gazing around and looking for Tommy.

“Well, he kinda found me sneaking out of your room this morning. Well, afternoon. I was supposed to meet him at nine this morning to do this thing with him,” Joel rambled feeling like maybe he was talking too much. Really, he talked more today than he probably had talked in months. “He thought we slept together, so I had to explain. And I found out that what we kissed under last night wasn’t mistletoe. It was holly. That old woman had no idea what she was talking about.”

Amusement flooded her features triggering his heart to skip a beat at the sight. How did this woman go from driving him crazy to taking his breath away in less than a day? Something about that didn’t feel right, but he didn’t care.

“To be fair,” she sucked in a sharp breath of air, straightening up her posture. Releasing a tiny laugh and shrugging her shoulders had Joel’s gazed locked upon her. “Both of us were very drunk. And while I may be a doctor, I don’t know Christmas plants.”

“Neither do I apparently,” Joel mused, his hand outstretching just enough to have the backs of his fingers brush against hers. “You don’t feel weird about things?”

“Weird about what?” she replied, hooking her fingers somewhat with his. Just having her do that had his heartrate growing faster.

“Us,” Joel spoke up, his mind still spiraling with all of the what ifs in this situation.

“You are the first thing I haven’t regretted since leaving that hospital,” she assured him which made him feel better to hear, but how could two people who barely knew each other have a connection like this? Especially since they started off not being extremely fond of one another.

“Hey! There the two of you are,” a voice called out to them, drawing Joel to scoot back in the chair pulling his fingers from hers. Kneeling down between the two of them, they were met with the familiar smile of Tommy. “I was thinking Y/N, since you’re new here and you haven’t really gotten the chance to have someone take you around…Joel and I were going to join a few of our friends to go snowmobiling around the local park today. It gets really pretty during the winter and I think you’d really like it. What do you think?”

“Tommy?” Joel said his brother’s name, sliding forward in the seat. That was something he wished that Tommy would have spoken to him about first.

“Maria was supposed to come with us today, but something came up so she had to cancel. I already loaded her snowmobile onto the truck so if she wants to come, I’d love to bring her,” Tommy finished up with his thoughts, giving Y/N back the attention. Noticing the discomfort in Joel’s body, she didn’t know how to respond to Tommy. Did the way that he was reacting mean that he didn’t want her there? “So what do you say?”

“What happened with Maria?” Joel remembered just speaking to Maria, so he knew that she wasn’t sick or anything.

“Oh, something just came up here,” Tommy explained, waving his hand about like it was no big deal. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Do you want me to figure things out here so she can go with you?” Joel pressed further, not wanting his brother to miss out on something that him and Maria had planned for months.

“No, she’s got this. Trust me. No one would be able to handle it better than her, big brother,” Tommy dismissed Joel’s thoughts and turned back to Y/N. “If you want to come, I can actually send you to Maria. She can hook you up with something to wear so that way you aren’t cold. I think you won’t regret coming along. Our friend that’s taking us actually runs these snowmobile tours.”

“Yeah, sure. I guess that would be cool,” she agreed to go with them. Her answer seemed to make Tommy very happy, but Joel on the other hand was nervous. Standing up from the chair, she reached for her coffee and let out a tight breath. “Where should I go see her?”

“She’s right at registration waiting for you. I told her what I was planning so when you head over there she will take you with her,” Tommy pointed in the other direction where Maria was. Waiting until Y/N left, Tommy made sure that they were alone when he turned to Joel again who was glaring at him. “What?”

“The hell you doin’ Tommy?” Joel snarled, his nose wrinkling in distaste for whatever Tommy had up his sleeve. There was no question in his mind that Tommy was attempting to hook him up with this women and got Maria to join him in it.

“I’m just making things a little easier. It doesn’t hurt to do things with this woman so you two can spend more time together and see where this goes,” Tommy elaborated on his plan resulting in an eye roll from Joel whose body language changed completely when he heard what Tommy was doing. “Let’s show her that Jackson is a very beautiful place. Especially during the winter. You’ll get to spend some time with her. See if you still feel the way about her that you did when you were drunk. It doesn’t hurt.”

“You’re lovin’ this,” Joel acknowledged realizing that his brother was way too happy about this whole situation. And he wasn’t exactly sure why Tommy was so interested in pushing the two of them closer together. “Why?”

“Why not?” Tommy threw his hands up in the air, circling a bit as he started back stepping toward the front of the inn. “How about we go get ready for this thing? Make sure we have everything and see where it takes us?”

Shaking his head, Joel knew that he didn’t have much of a choice in this. Tommy already put the wheels in motion and he was going to have to play along and see where this whole thing went.

----

Standing in the middle of an open field at the nearest national park had Y/N in an absolute awe. For some reason, when she agreed to do this whole thing with Tommy and Joel, she imagined the car ride over here would be incredibly uncomfortable. But honestly? It wasn’t. It was a seven minute drive where she sat in the backseat of the truck with Joel. Sure, they were both quiet and didn’t say a word, but it would have been awkward talking around Tommy and his friend she had only just met in the lobby of the inn for a few minutes.

Now, as the boys and their friends prepared the snowmobiles, she couldn’t help but stand in the middle of the large plot of land staring out at everything surrounding her. There were mountains in New York that she had seen before traveling out, but nothing like this. This was stunning. All of the treetops were covered in snow. And the mountain range in the distance was like that out of a painting. It took her breath away.

The only thing that was bad about this whole thing was what you had to wear in order to do this. You had to wear a certain kind of clothes called under layers that were made from a certain material so you stayed warm but didn’t sweat. Then, you had to put on your snowmobile suits. And the worst part about that? A loud swooshing sound would fill the air every time you moved. It honestly reminded her of when she was a child wanting to go out and play in the snow. How her mother would dress her up in a snowsuit where she could barely move. This felt almost exactly like the same thing. Along with all of this you had to wear a face mask, a helmet, goggles, gloves, good socks and boots. With how many layers she had on, she wondered if she would even be able to steer the damn thing.

“How’s it goin’?” Joel’s southern drawl pulled her attention back to him when he approached her. The loud swishing sound elicited a smile from her with every step he made toward her.

“I feel like the abominable snowman,” she announced, throwing her hands up in the air. Wiggling a bit had Joel tipping his head to the side, his eyes narrowing while she clearly was having fun at the idea of what she was dressed in. “I’m sorry, I’m just not used to so many layers.”

“There’s a reason for that,” Tommy interrupted before Joel could respond. Unlike Joel, this woman seemed to have a lot of energy and Tommy was eager to push the two of them closer together. Maybe she would be good for Joel. And that’s all he kept thinking. “We’re gonna be out there for a while. It’s cold as hell out there. You don’t want to freeze and you don’t want to get hurt. So it’s all about protection and safety. Us Texas boys weren’t used to these temperatures when we came up here. We came from a place that when even a little snow fell, the whole town shut down. Now being here? Well, it can be a constant snowstorm and somehow the town still finds a way to keep runnin’.”

“Are you warm enough?” Joel stammered, pointing his finger from top to bottom with what she was wearing.

“Oh yeah, I’m great,” she insisted with a long pause, her head tipping from side to side. Considering how much snow they were surrounded by? She actually was surprised just how warm her body was. “Well, except for my nose. That’s freezing. But everything else? I’m great!”

“That’s easy to fix,” Joel insisted walking to her and she wondered how he managed to still look good in these suits. Because for her? She felt like she looked like she waddled in these things. Biting at his glove Joel managed to get one of them off before reaching for the other. Extending his hands out, he hooked his fingers into her facemask to pull it up over her mouth and over her nose. “That’s how it’s supposed to be. It’ll keep you warmer.”

A breath caught in her throat with the way that Joel stroked at the sides of her face, almost cupping her face in his grasp. Giving her a wink, Joel worked his gloves back on and in that moment he realized that both Y/N and Tommy were frozen staring out at him.

“What’s with the staring Tommy?” Joel snorted, shaking his head about. Immediately Tommy shook his head and threw his hands up like nothing was going on. But deep down Tommy was actually impressed with the way that his brother had helped her. Where Y/N was smitten, Tommy couldn’t believe he was seeing his brother taking care of someone like that. Motioning Y/N to follow him, Joel rubbed his hands together and then led her toward the snowmobile. “Y’know how to ride one of these?”

“Oh, yeah…of course I do,” she lied gazing upon the snowmobile realizing that she should have considered what they were actually doing. She’d never been on a snowmobile in her life. Most of her life was very sheltered. The only thing she had ever done in the winter was go on a sled. So for her, this was completely new.

“You have no idea do you?” Joel interrogated with her nodding showing that he was right. Grumbling under his breath, Joel waved her forward so he could show her. Sitting down on the one that she would be using, he made sure that she was looking. “You always gotta keep your feet safely in like this when you’re sitting. Make sure you’re comfortable. Relaxed. Don’t try to stop it with your feet. These things are heavy, if you fall wrong I reckon you’ll break something. When you’re turning, it’s like a bike. You turn the handles this way for left, this way for right.”

For some reason with Joel giving her instructions, she found herself lost in what he was saying. Suddenly everything felt like it was a foreign language but she nodded along because she didn’t want to embarrass herself. Trying hard to pay attention, she swallowed down realizing that this might have been her biting off more than she could chew.

“Now you sit,” Joel got up, helping her to get into position on the snowmobile. “The right is the gas. When you make your turns you’re gonna wanna lean into them, okay? It just helps on the sharper curves. On the left you have the break. It’s a whole lot easier than it seems. I promise you. You don’t have to worry.”

“Do I look scared?” she was curious, hearing Tommy laughing beside her. In all of that time she didn’t even realize that Tommy was still with them.

“You look mortified,” Tommy answered for Joel, nodding his head about. “Trust me, it’s not that hard. The first part is just a long stretch of land. Not too many turns. We just are gonna go out into the middle of the park. Get ourselves used to things and then some of the other things Joel told you will come into play.”

Maybe this would have been better if she had taken a whole day to learn how to do this instead of just a few minutes before their trip. That would have made it easier and made more sense. Even though she was uncomfortable, she went ahead with things. Joel insisted that he wanted to ride behind her just to make sure that she didn’t get left behind. And that made her nervous because she was afraid of making herself look like an idiot in front of him.

Watching others do it made it easier. None of them looked uncomfortable or worried. They just got on, put their face shields down and went. So she attempted to do the same. Of course it didn’t work as easily for her, but once she got started, it was actually pretty cool. Even though this was something she had no idea how to do, it was thrilling. The sights as they went were indescribable. Nothing like this was out in New York. This was the kind of thing she had only seen in paintings and photos. The snow over the mountains was slick giving it a bright shine with the sun hitting it just right. She wished she would have strapped a camera onto her because this would likely be a once in a lifetime experience. Everything about this was magical. For the first time since being to Jackson, she really did see the beauty that would draw people to something like this.

On their ride, she saw out toward the trees some of the animals that were roaming around the park. Never in her life had she seen a moose. Nor did she realize just how big they were. But today she saw a few of them. And while doing this she was starting to feel like a kid all over again.

When they came to a stop, she was worried that something was wrong, but the leader of their group wanted to show them something that he thought they would like. Leading them through a walkway, she was surprised to see that he brought them to a set of stairs. So much snow covered them that she knew someone would kill themselves if they tried to walk down it.

“What we are going to do is slide down,” Tommy repeated what the instructor told him. “If you look, other people have done this to the point that it’s created a slide all the way to the bottom. It’s easy. Just watch us and then you can do it. There is this really beautiful waterfall that looks great in the summertime, but in the winter it’s breathtaking.”

Stepping up to the stairs, she watched the first few of them sliding down laughing as they did it. Footsteps in the snow had her gazing beside her to see that Joel was lifting up his face guard, “You don’t have to go if you aren’t comfortable.”

“This isn’t too bad. If I can handle the plane ride here, I can handle this,” she assured him with a wink. But really? She wondered if she was trying to convince him of that or herself. Holding his hand out for her, Joel helped her lower down so that she was in position. Pushing herself off, she was surprised how easily she slid down the stairs. It reminded her of when she was a child going down a slide at the playground, but this one was much more interesting. Once she reached the bottom, Tommy was waiting for her, holding out his hand to help her up. “Thank you.”

A loud grunt filled the air behind her with Joel coming down. Smirking, Tommy carefully moved around her to help Joel up to his feet. Joel had more trouble getting up than she did, but by the time he did get up to his feet he gave the both of them a thumbs up.

Together the group walked in a line, one by one along the side of a path of water. Considering the walkway that was there, this was something a lot of people must have done previously. It was a longer walk than she expected and multiple times she had almost slipped. More than anything, she wanted to avoid embarrassing herself in front of Joel. After everything? She just wanted to look good for him.

When they approached the overlook for the waterfall, it had her stopping in her tracks. A sense of awe flooded her veins at the sight of the frozen over waterfall. Everything looked like that out of a movie. Everything was frozen over except for a small amount of water that was still flowing. They area they were in was the true definition of a winter wonderland. The mountains surrounding them were covered in ice. The trees covered in snow. Where they were, it felt like they were surrounded. What she was feeling was amazement.

“Not so bad after all, huh?” Joel’s voice pressed in beside her with him flipping his helmet up once he stepped in beside her. “Maybe Jackson ain’t as bad as you thought.”

“This is incredible,” she confessed, following Joel further down toward the water. The way the trees surrounded her gave her the effect of what she thought it might be like to be inside of a snow globe. Large pieces of ice were shattered off into the water that was flowing slowly away from them. And if she wasn’t with someone who knew where they were going, she may have felt a sense of panic.

In the distance, she noticed that Joel was walking further down closer to the frozen waterfall. Everyone was up on the top level, but Joel was continuing down to the lower one. Taking her time, she was cautious in how she moved, not wanting to slip. Looking back over her shoulder, she made sure that they were alone as she approached Joel who was standing at the edge observing everything.

Outstretching her hand, she placed it between Joel’s shoulders. The sensation made him jump, but when he looked back at her she felt her heart rate quicken when he grew comfortable at the sight of her. Pulling off his helmet, Joel kept it in his arms and motioned her to do the same.

“This is a place I think you will want a photo at,” Joel urged her to pull out her phone. Which honestly? Getting it out took longer than she thought it would. Pushing the goggles up and away from her eyes, she tugged at the bottom of her mask to reveal her face. “Get into position.”

Waving her on, Joel was quick to take a photo of her with the frozen waterfall behind her. After handing her the phone back, Joel went to leave, but she was quick to reach for him, “Take a photo with me?”

“Together?” Joel seemed surprised to hear that request, but he tugged at his mask and pulled it down so she could get a picture of them together. Wrapping his arm loosely around her brought them close together so they could take a photo. After she shoved her phone back into her zipper pocket on her suit, Joel grumbled something under his breath before speaking up again. “I don’t typically take photos with the guests that are staying at the inn.”

“I’m going to guess you probably don’t go around kissing your customers either,” she slurred, stepping in closer to Joel.

Grabbing a loose hold of his suit made a swishing sound that had both of them cringing. It was loud and it was awful. But he allowed her to pull him close. Even if this was a bad place to do this, she couldn’t help but find this area romantic. Bringing their lips together in a faint kiss allowed her to realize just how cold they both were. The heat from their kiss was a vast contrast to the air around them.

“Where did you two run off to?” Tommy called out to them having Joel quickly backstepping away from her with a nervous sound. Pulling his mask back up had her releasing out a tremoring breath. It was too soon for Joel and she understood that.

Together the rest of them started to head back to their snowmobiles. For a while everything was fine. They followed the main path and saw a lot of beautiful areas that she thought were stunning. It was when they came to a narrow path that she realized things were getting a bit too tight for her. Considering she was new to this whole thing, having this tight of a curve made her uncomfortable. One wrong tug of the handles had her sliding down the hill into a snow pile.

Immediately, she regretted it. And she felt an overwhelming sense of embarrassment flooding through her. Nothing was hurt, she just went into a snow pile. Looking back over her shoulder, she noticed that both Tommy and Joel were headed down to check on her. The first thing Tommy did was make sure that everything was turned off. Joel on the other hand? He was quick to check on her, making sure nothing was hurt or broken.

“I’m okay. Other than my pride being gone,” she promised Joel who helped her up from the snowmobile. “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. It just got tight and this was my first…”

“Don’t apologize,” Tommy stressed, pointing back toward the area she had slid down from. “I can just pull the snowmobile up and drag it.”

“How about you drag it back and I’ll have her ride with me? I know things are gonna be a bit tight so I reckon I can make sure she doesn’t get hurt or anything,” Joel spoke to his brother, helping her up the side of the hill to his snowmobile. Getting her comfortable, Joel made sure that she would be okay before going over to help Tommy. When he came back, she felt tense that she fucked up, but also happy because it meant she got to cuddle up to Joel. After demanding having her wrap her arms around him, Joel had her swooning over him. This was his way of protecting her. And she liked it. It was hard to focus from that moment on.

By the time they got back to the truck, she tried helping them but Joel had taken her to the passenger’s seat, turned on the heat and motioned her to warm up. Part of her felt guilty while they finished working, but Joel wasn’t wrong in bringing her here. She was freezing and this was helping her. The people here were used to this kind of weather. She wasn’t. Everything was numb and the heat from the car did feel nice on her fingers.

On the drive back, Joel sat beside her rubbing her hands in his. Even though it didn’t do much to warm her up since he was cold too, she appreciated the gesture. Joel thought he was doing something nice and she wasn’t going to reject it. As they returned to town, Tommy had alerted them that they were going to meet up with Maria for dinner. It wasn’t even a case of Tommy inviting her, he just told her that she was coming with them.

Thankfully, it wasn’t a high-end place because she felt like she looked like a mess after taking her snow suit off. She would have preferred to go back to the hotel to clean up, but neither of the boys cleaned up. Joel’s hair was a mess after he took his suit off and she couldn’t help but laugh. It was cute and charming. Although, every time he looked to her, she tried to hide that she was laughing to avoid embarrassing him. When Joel pulled out her seat for her, she was impressed with his continued showing of chivalry. That was something she had not grown accustomed to living in New York. So Joel being like this was a pleasant surprise.

“I hope you don’t mind this place,” Tommy called out from across the table from where he was sitting beside Maria. Loud music was playing and it was visibly a sports bar that they were at. Everyone had already ordered and it was nice to just sit back after the day they had. “It’s just simple things like burgers and what not. But we like it here. The big man here loves him some burgers.”

“Yeah. That’s me. The burger man,” Joel snickered, accepting the beer that the waiter set on the table for him. Shaking his head, Joel rolled his eyes at his brother not sure if he was attempting to embarrass him or not. Y/N seemed to be staring at him from where she was seated beside Joel. “We just like things laid back in our family.”

“I’d actually prefer that,” she explained to them, kind of glad that they seemed to be in an area that they were closed off from the rest of the public for now. She had grown ill at ease when people would stare at her. But this time she wasn’t alone. So maybe people would mind their own business. “I would usually get some kind of carry out on the way home anyways. I would be tired and I’d usually eat alone.”

“So tell us some more about yourself,” Maria leaned across the table, getting Y/N’s attention. Tapping her hands against the tabletop, Maria shrugged her shoulders and sighed. “All we really know about you is that you are a doctor from New York City.”

“Oh, that’s not really something that you want to hear,” she waved her hand about remembering what happened the last time that she tried to talk about herself. Joel had no interest then and she didn’t want to bore him now. Joel’s brown eyes were locked on her as he took a long swig of his beer. “Joel really doesn’t like hearing those kind of things.”

A cough escaped Joel when he choked on his beer and dropped the beer bottle down with a clanking sound. Catching the bottle before it fell, Joel was quick to shake his head and clear his throat, “I don’t mind. They are the ones that are asking.”

“Well, what do you want to know?” she wasn’t quite sure where to start noticing the way that Tommy wrapped his arm around the back of Maria’s chair.

“How about what made you want to be a doctor?” Tommy threw something out there, waving his free hand about. “That seems like it would be a stressful job to have. Especially in New York City. Did you always want to be a doctor?”

“No, I didn’t want to be a doctor when I was a child,” she took a moment to consider what she would tell them, feeling uneasy with all of their eyes on her. Each of them were listening closely and she didn’t know how honest she should be. “I think I wanted to be like an astronaut or an archeologist when I was young. I wanted to discover new things.”

“And you decided that you could discover new things in healthcare?” Maria tried to put two and two together, but it had Y/N shaking her head. “How did you fall into it then? That’s a bit different than the two jobs you mentioned.”

“How sad do you want this to get?” she muttered, stroking her fingers down the glass of water that was before her. Tommy shifted in his seat and she shook her head. “I don’t want to depress anyone about my life.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” Tommy noted, his eyebrow arching in curiosity. Looking to Joel, she took notice of the fact that he was quiet, but still listening to her.

“I became a doctor because when I was young, both of my parents died,” she alerted them, lowering her head so she didn’t have to look at any of them when she admitted to them why she became a doctor. “My parents were in a car accident. It was snowing, it was around Christmas. My dad was driving and my mom was in the passenger seat. I was in the back. There was a truck on the road that had been driving too long. A man that was just trying to get home to his family. He fell asleep at the wheel. His truck was headed right at us. Which had my dad swerving, he hit some ice and the car crashed at the side of the road. It had flipped. The car behind us had also hit that ice after swerving. It went off the road too. And hit my dad’s side of the car. My dad was killed instantly, my mom they thought was fine. We were taken to the hospital where doctors were distracted with the holidays. They thought my mother was okay because she was interacting with people, but she was bleeding on the inside. So for hours we sat and my mom died because the doctors there were lazy and didn’t bother to check to see if something was wrong. So? After that, I decided that I was going to be a doctor because I wanted to make sure that if someone was ever in the position that I was in, they would have a doctor that would fight for them. Do everything to save their loved one.”

“Jesus,” Joel breathed out in a faint slur. Everyone at the table was quiet with how negative that actually was. It seemed like none of them had any idea what they should say. And she expected that. She just went full trauma dump on them and she realized she should have just been straight forward and to the point instead of going into details.

“What happened after that though?” Tommy finally broke the silence, his dark eyes narrowing when he leaned forward at the table. “Did the hospital get in trouble? Did you have any family members to go to? Any siblings?”

“Guys, I can already see the look on your faces,” she half laughed trying to make things less uncomfortable with her shifting her seat beside Joel. Right now, she felt like she was about to depress all of them, especially if she continued to be honest. “I don’t want to mortify you with the depressing details of the rest of my life.”

“No, go ahead. We’re here to listen,” Maria suggested, outstretching her hand to place it in over Y/N’s to show support for her. Now it kind of felt like they wanted to hear the rest of the story because they didn’t want to make her feel awkward or embarrassed with sharing too much. But she knew that she had. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay too. Either way, we are okay with whatever you want to talk about.”

“Uhm, well. I had no siblings. It was just me. I had two living family members. My grandmother and my uncle. Who were both on my mom’s side. Uhm, my grandmother sued the hospital and the truck company. And she won both cases. Put the money aside for me since I was a child that was left on my own. I wasn’t able to touch it until I was eighteen years old,” she explained to them, her voice broken and tremoring as she spoke. Right now she was doing her best to answer Tommy’s question. The last thing she wanted to do was get emotional in front of all of them so she was fighting it incredibly hard. “My uncle was a famous script writer in New York for films and plays. And my grandmother was living with him in a brownstone in New York City. So I moved there with them. My grandmother died a year or two later. And I was left with my uncle who was not my biggest fan but kept me because my grandmother made him promise. He was really close to my mom and he blamed me for my parents dying. So for the remainder of my teenage years, I was only allowed to be on the second floor and use the kitchen to make my food. I took care of myself. I never spoke to my uncle other than a comment here or there. I got into the school I wanted, left, my uncle died and didn’t write a will because he didn’t expect to die. So I ended up with the brownstone and his money which I firmly believe would have him turning in his grave because he hated my guts. So that’s also the reason that I have as much money as I do.”

Looking between them, she could see that all of them were mortified with what she had told them and it was so quiet between them that you could hear a pin drop. Reaching for the beer that Tommy had gotten her, she took a long sip of it and then shrugged her shoulders, “I told you it was depressing. Sorry. I probably should have just told you my parents died and I wanted to be a doctor that helped saved people like my parents. That’s my problem. I think I overshare too much.”

“Why did your uncle blame you?” Tommy was the first to speak up, his head shaking from side to side. They were all lost for words with her story, but Tommy was more emotional than the others. Locked on that one thing she said about her uncle. “You were just a kid.”

“Because we were headed home from a family holiday party where I had left my stuffed animal on accident. I was upset and wanted them to go back to get it. They called my family to tell them to keep it aside for me…” she set the bottle down beside the water that she had gotten, doing her best to keep it together. “So it was my fault. If they wouldn’t have turned around to get that stuffed animal, both my parents would still be alive.”

“That’s bullshit,” Joel grunted, his brow line creasing when she finally looked to him. Mostly she had been looking between Maria and Tommy, but he had to speak up. “You were just a child. You were innocent in all of that. Being angry with a child for something that wasn’t their fault is crazy.”

“Honey, I agree with Joel,” Maria stressed to Y/N, her hand squeezing in over the hand that she had been holding onto the whole time. “There was no way that was your fault. That was an accident. There was no way of knowing that was going to happen. What your uncle did was wrong. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“I mean, he wasn’t wrong. If I would have just had them wait until another day they would still be here,” she reasoned, the lump in her throat growing realizing that none of them were agreeing with her statement. Tommy was shaking his head repeatedly hinting to her that he didn’t agree with that either. “I just made do with what I had. I never gave up the brownstone because it was the last place that my parents were at. I guess that doesn’t really make sense though because it’s so big and it’s just me living there. Which is kind of…well, it’s really lonely.”

“And that’s why you ended up here? Because you were lonely?” Tommy wondered, sliding his chair closer to the table showing her that she had his full attention.

“I was just fed up with life. I was recently dumped by my boyfriend not long ago. He was cheating on me with someone more powerful at the hospital and he blamed me. I really don’t have many friends other than those I work with because I work all the time. I guess the deciding factor was losing a patient. I promised their child that I would do the best I could with them and they died. No matter how hard I tried to save them,” she was honest, shrugging her shoulders when Joel finished off the beer that he was drinking and forced himself to look away from her. “I was a little fed up with life. I was lonely. And I was looking for something to prove to myself that life was worth living. For a reason to still be here.”

Hearing that made Joel swallow down hard. He knew that kind of talk. It was what he had suspected back at the bar when she was talking. She was questioning whether she still wanted to be here or not. And the very thought had his chest aching. Because he had also been there himself.

“Can I hug you?” Tommy got up from the table moving around it, not really even giving her the option when he wrapped her up in his arms after leaning down. “I am so sorry you went through all of that. But none of it was your fault.”

“Tommy,” Joel muttered his brother’s name considering in that moment that she might have not been comfortable with Tommy hugging her like he was. An overwhelming sense of guilt ate away at him. When she was talking about her life to him in the past, Joel just assumed she was just some snobby rich girl that had been pampered her whole life. That she became a doctor just to look good. And hearing what it really was about made him come to terms with the fact that he was an asshole for shutting her down like he did and treating her like shit. “You might be suffocating her.”

Grunting, Tommy moved around the table after letting her go and went back to his seat. Maria looked deep in thought, her hand never leaving Y/N’s, “Is there a Christmas memory that you have that makes you happy? Something with your parents?”

“I mean,” she thought for a long moment, trying to consider something that was positive for them to hear. “When I was younger my parents loved going to the Rockefeller tree. During Christmas time whenever I feel overwhelmed or just sad, I like to go there. It usually lifts my spirits. That’s my favorite place to go in the city during Christmas time. I like to just sit at the tree and observe things.”

“That tree does look really cool,” Tommy was quick to bring a positive outlook to things. “I can see why you like it so much. I think I would be drawn to it too.”

Glaring up at Tommy, Joel stayed silent. Right now Y/N felt awkward and he could pick up on it by her body language. The last thing she really probably wanted to be talking about was positive Christmas memories when her family died near Christmas. What she had just confessed to them was a lot to unpack and he now understood why she was kind of the way that she was. He just hoped that eventually they could get her focusing on something else so the tragedies of her past didn’t continue to eat away at her all night.

----

Tags: @jdmorganz @carolineesnell @ayumi-wolf @dilfsandmartinis @christinamadsen

@brittmb115 @thegirlwiththemostcake3

[villainsimpqueen]

A Sorrowful Little Christmas

Hazbin Hotel Adam x Wife Reader

Tw: infidelity, Emotional neglect, Grief, Divorce, Regret and self loathing, Denial, Falling lit of love, Realizing Regrets.

this is a sad Christmas one-shot fic for those who like seasonal angst.

Christmas was a special time in Heaven, Where the high angels would have the purest snow coat the cloudy city high in the sky.

True sweethearts and lovers would walk down the glowing city with hands entangled and wispy air leaving their lips as they laughed.

Cheers as bright as the glimmering candles and Lights, Smells of cinnamon and Hot Cocoa filling the air.

Christmas was a special time for many and it was the one time you could live happily in a lie.

At least it was.

You moved among the busy city alone, your “Lover” nowhere near you as you traversed the streets watching the other winners enjoy their holidays.

A fairy breath leaves your lips and you continue into stores buying and spending away heaven bucks to pay for the yearly event you had hosted for so many years after more winners had come into heaven.

A huge Christmas Ball under Adam and Your name.

It was the one thing you truly went all out for, huge event you took so much pride and joy doing even as your marriage had shifted from a loving one to a more political appearances one, you had always thought Adam had Appreciated the efforts you want to make the Christmas ball in his name something that gave the winners excitement and talk about.

Everyone in Heaven knew that the ball outshone everything except the morning Tradition parade, Where of everyone's Christmas traditions would be displayed in grand festival floats, balloons everything to bring everyone together, And the Party carried on to the grand First Man and Wife's Christmas ball.

Everyone was out and about for gifts to loved ones and outfits for the grand event.

And seeing all the winners shop with excitement you once possessed in buying for the ball made your heart weigh so much more heavier as your mind drifted to what Occurred with your husband merely a few days before the Eve of Christmas.

You had announced the Ball's theme to him Excitedly in the morning over a big breakfast you had gotten up early to make.

Excitement filling you as you went on and on about your ball plans and what outfits you had planned for the both of you to match as well as the song you both would sing during your first dance.

Christmas time had always been the few weeks Adam had promised he would be home more often and involved.

Yet as you asked for his input, always waiting for it, he scoffed at you instead, rubbing his fingers into his dark circles, making your once happy smile fall, feeling the air shift.

“Ada-”

“Why do you keep fucking volunteering me for this stupid fucking shit y/n?!” He seethed, making you shrink back from your husband.

He once was always so excited to aid in the ball….

But that was so many centuries ago.

“I-” You had sputtered not prepared for his outburst.

“I want a divorce.”

The very words that seeped from him make your heart drop.

“What?” You had whispered in mere disbelief. Sure you both hadn't been so very romantic all these past few hundred or so years. But it wasn't like there was a lack of you trying.

Adam was far too busy with his responsibilities of protecting heaven by being the yearly exorcist general, and also being one of the faces to bring hope to the winners with all his performances.

You had thought you were a good wife aiding him despite his lack of time for you, by making sure he always had breakfast, lunch and a hot dinner.

You kept your house clean, you always took care of gifts to those important. You took care of any events making sure everything was perfect so that your husband can shine like the hope of humanity he was made for,

you had thought the distance between each other was simply a test of your patience and love until things would work out.

Perhaps you were just blind.

No.

You only allowed yourself to be blind.

Because you were made for him, you were made to be absolutely perfect for him. Stardust is taken from the brightest star of the night to be his Heavenly devine wife.

It was your entire life.

“I left the papers on your bed. Sign them so this can be over. I'll have a home for you after the Ball so you can focus on moving out afterwards.” Adam had been speaking the whole time as you felt your entire being being crushed and ripped apart.

“You can keep the ring if you want.”

“You can keep the ring if you want.”

You were walking down the streets feeling numbness of the cold creeping into you from the band of your ring as you stared at it.

Tears burned in your eyes as you headed back to a surely empty house.

He would not be there, You knew it well, out with his Exorcists, or for all you knew, with someone else.

Did you even know your husband anymore? You thought back to the early days of your marriage where you had to assure him that you loved him, assure him you would never be the one to leave.

Now here the bastard was, being the one to leave you after everything you had been through with him.

Grief and all its levels had plagued you.

Shock from the harshness of his words, as you spent a full day trying to process them sitting at the same spot at the dining room table for so many hours.

Then slowly Denial filled you as you went on like nothing happened the next day, getting up making breakfast, watching as he joined the table merely out of habit and ate silently, as you watched him, Not even eating your own plate of food.

Anger had consumed you like fire after he left without so much as a thank you, leaving you to clean everything up, it built and burned as you screamed and threw the platers and everything across the room storming around and finding other breakables to slam and smash.

It wasn't like it had mattered, it all would rematerialize as perfect as can be.

Then the Bargaining more like begging came as you sobbed and pleaded that god would put some sense into his son, to not punish you even further for his cruelty, and made Adam a warm lunch leaving to his office to give it to him in hopes that you both could share a meal even if your appetite was gone.

The noises you heard coming from his closed office door, that you had once turned a cheek away from, broke the damn behind your eyes as you turned away throwing away the meal and went back home and suffered in your own bed.

Depression consumed you, and it wasn't until the third day before the grand ball you finally left your room. A mere short shower to wash away the stain of tears and a random grab of baggy clothing had you out and about shopping.

Which is where it brings you to now.

Your once planned theme is gone as you spitefully planned a new one and bought everything for it, hired a team to set it up at the grand city hall and gala.

You were going to show that man and everyone you were and always more than a wife.

You were going to make this ball so pardon your vanity goddamn good, Adam would fail at ever recreating such splendor after the divorce.

Make it even harder for whoever the Bitch he was sleeping with behind your back to ever have a face of her own.

You inhaled sharply guilt filling you and you shook your head.

You were not blaming her.

You didn't have it to go down that road.

Adam was unfaithful, Adam had broken vows.

Not the other woman.

And so You pitied her instead and there was no reason to fight after all, besides once you gave Adam back the damn ring you stared at, You wouldn't even need another breath.

Turning your head to stare up at the sky finding the star that was used to breathe your life, you found peace.

so it was why when you got home and grabbed your phone you decided you would grant him his wishes.

What color is your dress for this ball?: You.

You had texted, you had hardly ever texted before and when you did it was to get Adam to pick up the phone, When you willingly stayed blind.

Perhaps the change of topic had captured her attention.

Lute:?????

Lute: I haven't picked a dress out yet.

Her message had made you chuckle, bitterness as you recall each event since shortly after Lutes recruitment into Adams Army she always conveniently had a dress that accented whatever colors You and Adam wore, a poor attempt to match Adam.

You suspected he always told her as soon as you showed him The matching outfits you picked out.

Adam will be wearing gray and gold.: You

You ignored the series of calls and texts that Came from Adam. All accusing you for trying to start shit and demanding you to stop trying to make a messy Divorce.

You ignored them, not having the energy to give him a spec of your time.

You put everything into focus of the ball, your dress, A grand event for those to celebrate their favorite holiday, and yet secretly a spectacular goodbye to your own life.

The day of the ball was everything.

The morning you spent it alone eating on a muffin as you had a moving crew come in and take out all your belongings to a center that will donate all your things to new arriving winners to get settled into their homes.

A welcoming gift from you and a way where it was spread all over heaven with no way to find it all.

Your clothes, your hobbies, your signature pieces, your furniture. Leaving your room bare.

You even went into Adam's room, somewhere you haven't been inside of for a while and grabbed anything that was yours from there as well, taking pictures of you and him and cutting yourself from them leaving only him to remain as you burned them.

Why burden him to do it himself? So you left him mercy by erasing everything he had of you.

You then made sure all the catering, invites and entertainment was on schedule before going to grab you and Adams outfits.

You scoffed as you placed Adams all neatly on his bed and a note simply telling him to meet you at the ball to put on the last show of your so-called marriage.

You left to head to a spa to treat yourself hugely one last grand time.

Pampering yourself and paying with Adams money. Afterall You were still a wife.

The evening came and you were perfection as you arrived at the ball, leaving the carriage you had for yourself and exiting it to see Adam who had to be force to wait for you turn annoyance moving on his face before you watched as his eyes paused on you, His face shifting to an emotion you did not care to really focus on as you moved gracefully to him and taking his arm.

It was a moment before you heard him grunt and the both of you started walking up to the entrance where winners excitedly screamed and cheered. You smiled at them brightly waving and blowing kisses, as you always had while you were nothing but a trophy on Adams Arm.

You felt him moving waving to the winners, making hand gestures to rock as you both continued up to the ball's doors.

“We dont match.” Adams' voice greeted your ears once you both were further away from the winners waiting for when they were allowed to enter.

it's true, You did not match him like before.

Tonight Adam wore a lovely Gray suit and pants accented by his gold accents to match his blessed wings and eyes. The gray being darker than his normal to go color and you couldn't help but to see how much the color showed how lifeless he was, At once point Adam used to Glow.

Being One of Heaven's brightest saints.

But now the one who was glowing, Was you.

You wore a fitted but flowy white dress that shimmered, the lower the dress went is where colors popped out, stars, dances at the bottom of your dress skirts.

Your hair styled beautiful with star adornments clipped into place and your Makeup soft and shimmery enhancing your natural beauty.

You ignored how Adams eyes swept over you, not caring for the emotion that tried forming in them.

Forming too far too late.

You turned your head to look away from him, faking a smile for the cameras that were snapping behind you, afterall the entire event was for heaven not yourselves, not anymore.

“Does it even matter?” You simply stated pulling away from him and separating entirely

from him, gracefully moving around the Ball to talk to attendees as a generous hostess you always were, Not at all seeing how Adam had froze in place and watched you move.

He had not expected that, not from you. His brows furrowed as he continued into the Ball, Attendees pouring in and he made his way to the Ball's bar getting a drink of red wine to drink.

It wasn't long until a smaller hand brushed against his forearm that made him turn taking in the eyes of Lute, moving as he took in the light gray and silver hemmed dress she wore, that contained soft golden sparkles over it, in a way to complement his own suit.

False egotistical confidence boomed through him as his lips pulled to a smirk seeing her.

“Shit babes you look hot as fuck.” He complimented her sweetly, liking how warm Lute's face always got. Yet she would clear her throat acting professional out in public settings, another thing he liked despite how much he didn't.

“You look quite handsome yourself, sir.” Lute spoke bluntly as she turned leaning on the bar with him as her eyes swept over the crowds landing on you. Adams wasn't too far behind, a noise leaving him for a moment as he went to sip his red wine.

His Lieutenant was silent for a moment.

Lute stared at you as you practically floated across the Ball floor, even across the room she could practically hear your laughter, twinkling like stars.

You were perfect, Always were since the first time you had excitedly welcomed her into you and Adams home, And a few other Exorcists for dinner. To give them a sense of family.

You always glowed brighter than the night sky's brightest star and you always seemed so perfect beside Adam.

Until these last few hundred years.

Seeing you brought a sense of rapid shame to her, as it was a bizarre almost unholy thought to even think that you would be an Ex-wife.

It was her and Adams fault to damn you with such a title.

Making her stomach clench uncomfortably, She had been told to enjoy all that Heaven offered, Adam had been what she so selfishly wanted, And in turn she selfishly took what never should have been obtainable.

Same with Adam, Breaking his vows, his own core morals, in selfish greed and temptation. Pulling away from the woman he spent so long with, far longer than the two had left him.

causing the same pain and betrayal he had felt towards you.

Yet you handled the upcoming divorce with dignity. Lute could barely tell you knew of it at all with how your smile was shining through the crowd as you mingled with the crowds and even the high angels. Not correcting their praises of Adam and you for this year's ball, still even allowing him to have credit when he worked on absolutely nothing.

You were more of a woman than she would ever be.

Adam made a noise which captured Lute's attention, her focus now widening away from you as you were speaking with a few male winners, Young, bashful, and so eager to have your attention.

You could have them. Easily.

And it seems that thought made through the shallow surface of Adams inflated ego as his fingers tightened around the wine glasses stem as he watched you from a distance. Watch how you humbly turned the men down, keeping the illusion that you were happily married and faithful to your ‘ loving husband’.

Saving face merely on reputations.

And seeing that made him falter, knowing had it been him in your place he would have no such thing. He would have entertained them more out of spite, causing whispers of rumors of their marriage's troubled paradise that was crumbling apart. Hell, Hed foolishly announced the upcoming Divorce loudly and all that came with it.

But you didn't do any of that, Because you were not of him, you were better, Crafted better from only the best of stardust. Angelic mistakes in the past had been considered in making your form, they sewed every part of you, sculpted it in you, your perfection, made you the perfect wife for him to grow and adapt and love him.

And he still selfishly wanted more and did not recognize that it was his fault you never got to grow into that something more.

Soon it came to the first dance of the night, everyone graciously moving away from the dance floor as you and Adam made way to it.

One last dance.

One last song.

Solidified strongly in one's mind,

yet so utterly hazed by the thing in anothers.

You started singing, your devine voice carrying over the sympathy, he would later join as he took your hand bringing you closer to him to lead you in the dance.

“Don't cry, snowman, not in front of me

Who'll catch your tears if you can't catch me, darling?

If you can't catch me, darling”

You refused to see him, closing your eyes the moment Adam held you, your mind changing the one who guided you, not this time Adam, but another taking place in front of you.

The one who was so nervous to meet you that he trembled. The one you shared that Nervousness and shyly greeted.

The one who with trembling fingers shyly taking your hand and whispering a soft

“Is this okay?”

“Don't cry, snowman, don't leave me this way

A puddle of water can't hold me close, baby

Can't hold me close, baby”

The one who eagerly pulled you around heaven so that you both could discover its paradise together, As wife and husband.

Whose eyes shined brightly at you with love and arrogance as he taught you things.

The one who loved holding you close if the winds caught a chill in the breeze.

The one who was also so eager to sing with you as it was one of his passions and he was so delighted that you shared it with him.

“I want you to know that I'm never leaving

'Cause I'm Mrs. Snow, 'til death we'll be freezing

Yeah, you are my home, my home for all seasons

So come on, let's go”

The one who celebrates every holiday with you, always going fully out even if heaven was just starting and the first winners had made it across the pearly gates.

The one who insisted on building a home from.his own two hands for you, Because a man was to provide for his divine wife.

Before the fame, Before the spoiling that came from eternal paradise.

“Let's go below zero and hide from the sun

I love you forever where we'll have some fun

Yes, let's hit the North Pole and live happily

Please, don't cry no tears now, it's Christmas, baby”

The one who would play in the perfect pure white snow with you until you both collapsed in it with joy, laughter and love staring at each other as wispy puffs of air leaving both of your burning cheeks, the cold never truly setting in as if it was heaven and discomfort was not a threat.

Even still, your loving and devoted Adam would outstretched one of his large golden wings to cover you warmly, pulling you closer with an arm over your hip resting just below your own wings as you had giggled into his chest hiding your chilled nose into it as he pressed warm kisses on the top of your head.

Where had he gone?

Where did that Adam go?

Your Adam?

You fluttered your eyes open to look at the stranger of a man you danced with, seeing how his eyes were everywhere except for you.

Acceptance came.

It came so quickly in that moment as you stared at the husk of someone you used to know and love well.

And the pain in your heart eased as the realization and acceptance blossomed and glowed in it.

Your beloved truly died long long ago, leaving you behind a shallow and cold husk in his place, his true shine glimmering in the stars, the ones you found yourself staring at so much the past few days of this Hell, twinkling down at you in encouraging peace.

You would leave the husk, and join your true love's soul back in the starry night, where your borrowed dust may return and gleam.

And as you stared at the man in front of you, who seemed distant even with being so close, You smiled at him patiently.

“My snowman and me

My snowman and me

Baby”

His dull eyes finding yours, A brow lifting in confusion as he took in that smile, Something in him twisting at how warm it was towards him. Crawling up and down his spine slowly, and it caused him to feel a sense of unease in the moment he did not understand.

“Don't cry, snowman, don't you fear the sun

Who'll carry me without legs to run, honey?

Without legs to run, honey”

He sung along with you, his eyes taking in how you shimmered and glow under the changing lights, how unlike his your eyes glowed so brightly, even more now than they had in years, how sweet you looked in his grasps as you both made rounds on the dance floor, singing as if your souls were still entertained.

And it made him feel uncertainty, regret.

What was he doing?

“Don't cry, snowman, don't you shed a tear

Who'll hear my secrets if you don't have ears, baby?

If you don't have ears, baby”

Your voice grew with life as you both continued to sing it alone was practically sparkling in his ears, most soothing and heavenly and yet as if you were trying to comfort him.

Comfort him? out of all people?

He didn't understand but his eyes went dewy soft when staring at you, his heart hammering in his chest as he sung along with you,

He sang the normal verses of the song but this time you did not harmonize with him, it threw him off, and the words made his chest tighten.

“Even though I'm leaving, I'm Mrs. Snow

In my death, you'll be freezing, forever you'll know

Yeah, you were my home, my warmth in all seasons

But now I'm letting go, for your own secret reasons

So come on Let me go”

You sang and twirled away from him. It made a shuddering breath if air leave him as he watched the hued lights move across your body, your dress glimmering like a trillion galaxies, their shimmers moving across your skin in the light. He had not been paying attention to your hands, too captured from the beauty you've always had been.

yet you returned to him letting him catch you and pull you so closely, and now he didn't want to let you slip away again.

A grimace moving over his features as he took in your sweet and warm face smiling at him, your hands meeting his and something warm but going cold pushed into the palm of his hand, his mind too lazy to even recognize its shape.

“So let me go below zero and hide from your sun

I’ll love you forever, though this has been fun”

His fingers rubbed against your own and a sense of utter despair filled him as he finally recognized what was missing, His dull eyes immediately snapping to your hand, its small perfect outline now missing your ring.

His heart dropping and his eyes stung at the freezing cold revolution started to consume him yet you finger squeezed his making his eyes quickly snap to your face, regret growing in them as he held your hand so tightly, as if he could pull you close and keep you and the past would instantly change and the gutted feeling that made him so suddenly nauseous and riddled with guilt would leave and that the smile on your face wasn't different from the soft look in your eyes.

Accepting the end of his marriage.

“Yes, let me transcend to the North Star, you'll be free

Please, don’t cry tears now, it’s Christmas, baby”

And for the last time, for a matter of a few seconds you harmonized.

“My snowman and me

My snowman and me

Baby”

The music starting to come to a end and while his fingers trembled and clenched around yours, you had pulled away from him, and felt your hand until the very last second as you turned from him and moved to join the crowd leaving him on the dance floor as the crowds of winners and angels cheered and clapped at the wonderful performance, oblivious to what had transpired between the two so called lovers.

Adams eyes moved to his shaking palm, in the middle of it freezing his skin, was your lovely silver and golden ring.

And the sight of it brought back everything, you were everything to him.

A shattering breath leaving him before his panicked eyes snapped to the crowd trying to find the glowing woman he spent so long of his eternal paradise with, not seeing her as he tried moving through the crowd of winners who sang their empty praises.

He didn't want the divorce anymore.

He can still fix it, He didnt fuck this one last good thing up, He didn't, he couldn't have-

You had walked away, heading out of the ball, leaving so that you could return home, not the overly empty penthouse you tried to make a home, no, that was never home and you pushed aside that feeling in order to make the stranger you were now free from happy.

Your home was far away from it, away from the city all together, on beautiful hills that had meadows of endless wildflowers, where the stars and moon shone so brightly and the view gave a perfect picture of your husbands once banished home.

He had always wanted to be able to see it, so that he could see the children he once had even if they were no longer his.

The place you both were once so full of love and happiness, built by the two of your own hands.

You moved to it, entering the small house that once had such a Large promise and ran your hands over its surfaces as you took in all the memories that you both had forgotten a sadden smile on your lips as you entered its main room now covered everywhere in perfectly wrapped presents.

Each had a card hand written softly and a year far ahead of the current one now.

You only planned so many out, if He should ever find them.

Eternity was so long and you could only plan gifts for so much of it.

You let out a final sigh before leaving the house and moved out to the meadow your eyes on the sky as your wings outstretched, landing on the brightest star and the second one that twinkled so much as if it was begging you to join it, begging you to return to your true beloved.

A smile leaves you and you take flight heading towards them.

“I'm coming home, Adam.” You whispered as you felt the mold that contained you began to melt away.

Adam had slammed into the docking perch of the penthouse, his breathing panicked and gasped as he slammed the doors open harshly as he stumbled inside his stinging eyes widely looking around, looking for you.

“Y-y/n?” His voice echoed over the empty space making his heart fill with dread as he moved through the dark penthouse frantically clapping his hands to turn on the lights as he headed towards your room.

Long while ago he demanded separate rooms, using the excuse that he comes home late and he didn't want to wake you trying to get ready for bed. You had so sweetly agreed even if he saw your eyes showed pain.

How much pain did he put into your sweet eyes? How much had he hurt you? You? His devoted perfect Wife because of his selfishness?

He opened your door rapidly, not even knocking to ask for permission slamming open your bedroom door and stumbling in with rapid breaths.

His blood ran cold and heart stopped entirely as his wide eyes fell onto an empty bedroom.

He moved to the closet, nothing, panic pushing through him in waves as he gasped for air moving throughout the penthouse for anything, anything you may come back inside for, finding nothing. He slammed into his own room and rummaged through it, everything of you was gone.

He felt despair as he fumbled for his phone calling and texting you, the need to find you plaguing him as the ring that was one around your delicate finger weighed like bricks in his chest suit pocket.

Voice mail box full of him pleading for you to call him, Admitted he fucked up, he regretted his words, how he didnt want to go through the divorce, that he was sorry, how he would do anything to repent and fix your marriage. To be a better Man, A better Husband.

How he would even resign from being the Exorcists General if you could just give me one more chance.

Yet the phone would cut him off in his long babbles of pleas, his Hysterics growing to a full swing panic attack as he fell and cradled himself onto the floor begging, pleading, praying you would come back.

“Please, I love you I need you Oh god, Don't tell me i ruined the one beautiful thing that i got.” He sobbed into the phone that simply rang out.

“This person's voicemail box is full, sorry try calling again later.”

It was soon hours later the sun would rise being Christmas Day. Adam had managed to get up from the floor walking to the main room staring blankly at the non decorated house.

It would've been filled with tinsel and garland, all sorts of little sweet decorations pinned and placed.

This whole house would smell of baked goods and on the kitchen bar counter there would be a large gingerbread house with assorted baked cookies freshly made.

You would be greeting him warmly, the dining room filled with food to feast upon, the fruits of all your labor for him to enjoy.

Now the house was dark, clean, and cold.

Like he had been, and for once the cold bit at him.

He moved drone-like to the dining room table sitting in his seat staring at the doorway, his eyes stinging.

You would, should, would be entering warmly with glasses in your hand, warmed spiced cider freshly made for you both to enjoy as you excitedly told him the Christmas plans.

It was something he knew like the palm of his hands.

Breakfast with each other,

gift opening one present each,

you would then prepare the evening's dinner and He would send for all the girls to come over, which you would baby them and spoil them with seats.

Music booming and then gift giving, another sort of your labor, You took care of everything, always finding the perfect gifts for the girls, even him which he always took for granted, always treasuring the gifts given to his closest friend and Poorly Hidden Mistress the most.

Then there would be Christmas movies with snacks and hot cocoa. You would be curled into his side nuzzling your head into his chest while he wrapped his arm around you out of obligation rather than love as his eyes would roam across the room to another.

He really wasn't worth a single shit.

He didn't deserve you.

Hell he didn't even deserve to be where he was.

He had no right to claim he was better than the very ones he slaughtered yearly.

He was worse than them.

Adam buried his face into his hands, rubbing them as tears dripped from his eyes until his gaze fell on a piece of paper with a key taped to it.

He knew the key, similar to one forgotten on his keyring and it was what brought him back to this cabin built by him in the early years of his heavenly marriage.

He walked in, his hopes of finding you crushed and his heart shattered as the entire place was decked to the halls for the day's celebrations.

His eyes fell on all the decorations, and followed them to the main room where he fell to his knees at the sight of all the perfectly wrapped gifts.

“Fuck…fuck…fuck” He whispered as he moved to each one reading cards each one breaking him more than ever.

Dear Adam,

I hope you found happiness this year, Hopefully this will Aid you

Wishing you Well y/n

To Adam,

I saw this scarf and remembered how you used to keep me warm with your wings. I hope it keeps you warm when your wings can't.

From, Y/N

To Adam,

This once was our favorite book, the one we never finished because you're too busy dreaming up our own stories. Maybe one day at least one of us will be able to finish it.

I hope it ends well.

From, Y/N

To Adam,

A watch. To remind you that time keeps moving forward, even when it feels like it shouldn’t. Wear it maybe?

From, Y/N

To Adam,

That cologne you love. I can still remember how it lingered on my clothes after you held me. Maybe it'll comfort those close to you when you wear it.

From, Y/N

To Adam,

A photo album of us. Because I was always afraid I’d forget the way you smiled, but now I realize you might need these more than I ever did.

From, Y/N

To Adam,

A pair of gloves. You always hated how mine never matched yours. Maybe now they’ll fit better with your life.

From, Y/N

To Adam,

Inside is everything I never said but should have. If you read it, you’ll understand who I was in the years our love started to dull. Or at least, I hope you will.

From, Y/N

To Adam,

A key. It doesn’t open anything anymore, but maybe it’ll remind you that some doors are meant to stay closed.

From, Y/N

To Adam,

A candle. For all the nights you said I lit up your world. I hope this will happen when I no longer can.

From, Y/N

To Adam,

This is the last gift. I left it empty. Fill it with whatever helps you heal. That’s all I want for you now. Change into the good person I always believe you to be.

From, Y/N

‘Change into the good person I always believe you to be’

It led him stumbling through the city with that christmas gifts tag, all the way to the council after he sent an urgent request to the damned.

He went down, the elevator running smooth even if it had been left unused. When the doors opened his eyes met with Yellow red of concern and White eyes of suspicion.

“Adam??” The princess of the dam questioned wondering why he summoned for a meeting so early in the morning on such a day. Now even more so to why the Asshole she met months and again at the last failed meeting, looked so destroyed.

“What are you doing he-”

“One sinner.” He breathed his eyes finally moving from the card to look at her and her traitor of an angel partner, Making their faces move to confused shock.

“Redeem one Sinner in a year on this day, And I'll stop the exterminations for good.”

Because if a sinner could be redeemed,

Maybe he could be too.

And just maybe, he would be able to return you.

[miss-allsundays]

i was kind of expecting it (because of the danny motta pandemic), but the amount of people that just. write off octavia as some sort of ungrateful brat is really pissing me off.

we, as the viewers, have a much broader understanding of stolas, his life, and his relationship with stella. we are also made to look at it in a positive light for stolas, because we are shown instances of stella and her brother being the terrible antagonists they were written to be.

and most importantly, we do not have an attachment to stolas and stella’s relationship.

octavia instead, has had her life recently upended, has seen her father do a 180 change and (in her eyes) ruin his whole relationship.

her parents are divorcing, and they’re going about it in the worst way possible. they keep badmouthing each other, and they are, quite frankly, very dismissive of octavia— stolas as well, even if he doesn’t mean it.

and then, her father risks his life for the guy he destroyed his family for. and she is left with her mother and uncle, who clearly don’t have her best interests in mind.

of course stolas deserves to be happy, and of course he can love both blitzø and octavia at the same time, but what a lot of people don’t get is that she is a hurt child, who is very lonely at the moment, and who has not had the time to process everything.

instead she has to watch her dad fawn over his affair partner, talk shit about her mother even after the divorce, and then he suddenly leaves and oh! he will be banned from their house for a hundred years.

of course she holds resentment over her father!! he hurt her, just as much as her mother hurt her!!

because yes, stolas’ hatred towards his ex-wife is justified, but he has subconsciously let that feeling cloud over his love for octavia.

for a child, seeing your parents go through a divorce is really fucking tough. even if their relationship wasn’t the best, even if the love wasn’t there anymore, your parents splitting up still feels like a point of no return. as someone who went through that, i cannot tell you how many nights i spent as a teen wishing my family would go back to normal, even if the rational part of me knew that their separation was a much better outcome, and that the normal i hoped for hadn’t been that in years.

their divorce is only a couple of months old, it isn’t nearly enough time to begin getting over it, especially if you don’t have a good outlet for your emotions— which octavia doesn’t have.

and as i’ve mentioned earlier, the fact that her parents hate each other so openly is also another big fucking problem!! it does nothing but make the child in between feel bad, because they feel guilty for still caring about both of them, like their love for their parents is wrong and tainted.

(again, stella is terrible, and we can all agree on that— but octavia doesn’t know the full extent of it!! sue just wants her family back!!)

i feel for stolas, and it’s so, so obvious that he loves his daughter more than anything in this world, but i also understand why octavia wants some distance from him.

even though he didn’t mean to, he failed to think of how his daughter was holding up, until it was too late.

(and to everyone that says octavia hates her dad, go fuck yourself and pick up a pair of glasses. there is a difference between being hurt by someone’s actions and hating them. she went to IMP to give him his meds. she saved stolitz + IMP from andrealphus. learn some media literacy before you speak thanksssssssss<3 )

[mctartney]

Okay I feel like so much of it was a blur but let me try and write what I remember and share some of my highlights!

- Before the show we heard screaming and everyone rushing the other side of the arena and were like who the FUCK has turned up??? Well now we know lol

- He is such a genius starting the show with AHDN because that first chord??? Instant Beatlemania 

- Let Me Roll It ok ok ok listen. Not usually an old Paul fucker. Him taking his jacket off before and everyone cheering was funny. BUT then him slowly rolling up his sleeves and undoing his top button during the verses?? oooOOH let me at him 🥴

- He didn't tell the "Jimi asked me to tune his guitar" story like usual, was just like "he was a lovely guy, very humble" 🥺

- I don't know why but I found My Valentine so emotional?? I don't know, it's just Paul has lost so many people but I'm so glad that throughout his life he has always found people to love and who love him

- I've Just Seen A Face in front of the Cavern backdrop made me UNWELL

- Paul get everyone to do the little "oh-oh-oh-oh"s in In Spite Of All The Danger and then the crowd kept doing it when the the song was over and he looked so happy and it made him laugh so he did the last verse again AW

- Blackbird -  I've heard him tell the story about seeing the kids going to school in Little Rock before, but he told a story about how he got a text from a lady in Jacksonville who saw The Beatles there when they refused to play a segregated show and she said it was the first time she had ever stood next to a white person. Glad he makes a point to tell these stories because it makes it very clear - this was not long ago in the slightest.

- Here Today, okay I've never seen him have an emotional wobble in person, he's got through it okay. Every time I've seen him have a wobble in a video it's been on the "I love you" line. But this time he kind of had a moment on the "I really loved you and was glad you came along" and oh man. It's just so sad, isn't it? It's so sad.

- Now and Then, he had a little moment to admire the heart cards the crowd held up and it was very cute!!

- He started telling the story of the lost bass and then brought it out to play it and it was SO surreal to be in the same room in that guitar. He was like "I'm going to play it for the first time in 50 years" and then twanged the strings and was like "Well, it sounds like a bass!" djskf

- Get Back with the lost bass and Ronnie Wood was just so fun and they all looked like they were having so much fun!

- Let It Be was really beautiful, everyone lit up the arena with their phone torches. It was so special. Afterwards, he looked out to the audience and says, completely serious, like your dad giving his best advice "Let it be. There will be an answer. Let it be." I love him so much.

- Live And Let Die, one of the loud fireworks accidentally went off in the middle of a verse and scared the LIFE out of me. I jumped a mile and then looked back over to Paul who was just laughing djkdg. Him covering his ears for the last explosion at the end is so cuuute too he's the funny uncle at the party it's true.

- I've Got A Feeling. Ohhh. Sweet boy. Seeing him sing with John. Hearing John's voice ring through the arena so clearly. It's a lot.

- Paul: "We've got another special guest for you" Me: 🧐🙏 The Crew: *start dragging a drumkit on* Me: 😨 Paul: "Ringo Starr!" Me: 🥴😵

- IT WAS UNREAL!! THEYRE SO CUTE. Ringo truly is so little aww and they had a cuddle and Paul kissed him on the forehead. Honestly the affection between them was palpable, I dunno how to describe it. Just really fond.

- Lowkey Sgt Peppers and Helter Skelter were a blur bc my brain was just going PAUL AND RINGO SAME ROOM 50% BEATLES

- Then Abbey Road Medley went way too quickly and was all over so soon sighh

- He kissed the camera on the way out 😘😘 Love him to bits forever & always

[24-05txt]

The portrait was an accident.

Not an accident he regrets, but he sure as hell hadn't intended on getting here—lurking in his Sergeant's room in the early hours of the morning.

He just... well, sue him, he hadn't really been thinking when he made the offer. It's so easy to just fall into the flow of conversation when he's with Johnny that he hardly considers what comes out of his mouth at all—every word could very well bypass his brain entirely.

It had just seemed natural. "You only draw the pretty boys naked? So if it were me... do you need me to be joking?" and then he'd gone and agreed to a nude portrait done by Johnny himself. Worse still was that it was good. Soap was one hell of an artist to make it so that Ghost couldn't help but glance back at the image of himself every few minutes, gaze sliding off uncomfortably only to return as if magnetized.

He's not prone to looking at himself beyond what it takes to do basic hygiene or wound-care. It's not an uncommon occurrence to catch sight of his own maskless reflection and mistake it for someone else—his father, his brother, a stranger—but Johnny's drawing looks...it looks good.

(It looks familiar. It doesn't look like his father, or his brother, or anyone else. It just looks like him.)

When he tears the page out by the perforated edge, he hesitates to fold it over, and settles on resting it face-down on Soap’s desk until he's ready to leave. He might bite his own fingers off if it was smudged or creased or worse.

Fuck.

That's it. Just fuck. Ghost got himself into this mess and he will reap the fucking consequences—doesn't mean he has to be happy about it, though. Or maybe he is happy—maybe this is what happy looks like on him. Maybe that creeping, restless feeling that's been crawling up his throat is happiness.

He doubts it. More likely that he's caught something.

---

Soap takes a snuffling sort of breath, lungs shuttering full under his palm, then deflating with a slow exhale.

He wasn't meant to stay this long.

Problem is, it's turned out to be really fucking mesmerizing to watch someone breathe—to feel someone breathing with his hand splayed over their back. Actually, it's worse now that he can feel it too, nearly every sense he has is focused in on the steady, predictable, rise-fall-rise of Johnny sleeping.

(Worse still is that he's avoiding the real problem: the fact that he'd meant to leave as soon as the portrait was done. He was meant to have a laugh with Soap, tease him some, then dress and head back to his own room to sleep off the mission. He hadn't been planning on falling asleep—wasn't supposed to. Wasn't expecting to be that comfortable, wasn't expecting the way Johnny took it in stride like this was just something they did.)

Emotions. He lifts his spare hand and bites his wrist through the mask. It's not sharp enough to satisfy him but it is enough to remind him not to bite himself. Rabid animal he is, Johnny mightve had a point in the mess. It still takes him a second or two to commit to being a human being and stop gnawing on his own arm. Every time he thinks the habit is dropped, it comes back with a vengeance. Used to be he'd have his own dental record written in bruises around his fingers and constant sores on his tongue, though, so he'll take what success he can get.

(Similarly, as long as Price doesn't see, it hasn't reached a point of concern. Funny how much he measures by Price noticing. He wonders if Price has noticed this, yet; has noticed how Johnny has Ghost wrapped around his wrist and held in the palm. Surprising that the old man hasnt said anything yet, if he did.)

[melancholy-of-nadia]

heart on the window #2 (m) | ksj

title: heart on the window (m) pairing: ksj x reader(f) rating/genre: m (18+) ; smut ; roommates au / streamer/cam boy au / office worker au, childhood rivals to awkward roommates to lovers? au summary: Your life takes a wild turn after discovering what you believe is Seokjin's risqué secret, only for the following nights to leave you doubting your own reality. Was it loneliness and a shattered heart that conjured this delusion? As you try to move on, leaving your assumptions behind, you and Seokjin grow closer—until a late-night slip-up unravels everything... literally. note: it took me almost a month to update i have been busy at work.; i've edited this but there still may be some grammatical errors so apologies in advanced. warnings: roommate!Seokjin being such a green flag, adult content live streaming (camwork), explicit solo masturbation (from jin and also reader POV), voyeurism, descriptive use of toys, dirty talk, reader's emotional turmoil, Seokjin being perceptive and teasing, confrontation, sexual frustration, sexual tension. mild language, some implied sexual fantasizing, jin POV in the last quarter of the chapter drop date: December 20th, 2024, 12:00pm pst word count: 9.6k chapter 1 | chapter 3 crossposted on ao3 here

–

That good sleep that you were anticipating?

Gone.

Were you able to get some sleep last night?

Absolutely not.

Every time you’d close your eyes, all you would see is THAT: Seokjin Kim, sitting in his chair, stroking his cock with slow, deliberate motions, his face caught somewhere between bliss and control while a virtual audience eagerly watched.

Oh god, what the fuck did you get yourself into? 

You can’t just continue living here like you didn’t see that.

Absolutely no way–

“Did you get a good sleep last night?”

The sound of Seokjin’s voice slices through the chaotic mind-fuck cluster of your thoughts, dragging you back to the present. You blink, startled, your mind scrambling for something—anything—to say.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, it was…nice,” you reply, though your tone is as flat as week-old opened grapefruit Spin Drift you’ve left out on the counter countless times in the past.

Seokjin chuckles, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, giving you a knowing look. “That doesn’t sound very convincing,” he remarks before turning back toward the kitchen. You watch him as he grabs a carton of eggs, a frying pan, and other utensils with easy confidence, as though nothing is out of the ordinary.

Meanwhile, your head is spinning.

Does he have any idea what you saw? No, of course not. How could he? You clutch your mug of coffee tighter, willing yourself to keep calm and act normal, even though “normal” feels like a foreign concept right now.

Seokjin cracks an egg against the side of the pan with one hand, a skill that feels unnecessarily showy, and tosses the shell in the trash without missing a beat. “So, what’s your plan for today?”

“My plan?” 

“Yeah, you know. Moving in, settling down. Unpacking those boxes.” He gestures with the spatula toward the pile of boxes you had left in the living room yesterday. “Or are you just going to live out of them for the next few months?”

You force out a weak laugh, trying to mask your unease. “I’ll get to them soon. Or well, eventually.”

Seokjin glances at you over his shoulder, his expression unreadable. “Yeah, you sure you’re okay? You seem… distracted.”

Distracted? That’s putting it lightly. You practically choked on your own thoughts all night, trying to process what you’d stumbled upon. Now here he is, looking every bit as composed and charming as ever, completely unaware of how he’s upended your mental state.

“Just a lot on my mind from the shit I’ve been going through,” you say vaguely, hoping he’ll just think about what you’ve previously told him and won’t press further.

“Fair enough,” he replies, flipping the eggs in the pan with a practiced flick of his wrist. “By the way, if you need anything for your room, feel free to let me know. I’ve got some spare furniture in storage if you need extra shelves or whatever.”

“Thanks,” you mumble, staring at your coffee as if it holds the answers to your predicament.

You spend the rest of breakfast in tense silence, with Seokjin humming softly to himself as he cooks. Every so often, you catch yourself stealing a glance at him—his broad shoulders, the black t-shirt that loosely fits his body, his easy movements, the way his hair falls messily over his forehead. And every time, your mind cruelly throws you back to that image from last night.

You barely touch your toast, and when Seokjin finally sets his plate in the sink and announces he’s heading out to work in the office since he has some meetings later this afternoon, you feel a wave of relief so strong it’s almost embarrassing.

As the front door clicks shut behind him, you slump against the counter, exhaling a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding.

What are you going to do? How are you supposed to face him every day without your mind going there?

If there’s anything that helps clear your mind, it’s organizing. The chaos of your thoughts seems to calm when you’re sorting, categorizing, and arranging. And thank god you have a lot of that to do right now with all the boxes cluttering your room and spilling into the living room.

Determined to regain some sense of control, you dive into it. First, the essentials—clothing, toiletries, and the work necessities you hope to use again someday. You find a rhythm: open, sort, fold, stack, repeat. The act becomes a form of meditation, letting you focus on the task rather than… other things.

After about two hours, just as you’re folding a stack of sweaters, your phone buzzes with an incoming FaceTime call. Your dear best friend Yunjin’s photo flashes across the screen.

You swipe to answer, her bright, cheerful face filling the screen instantly.

“Hey girl!!” she chirps, holding her phone up at an angle that shows a bustling street lined with shops and people.

“Hey, Yunjin!” you say, unable to hide your grin. “Haven’t seen your beautiful face in awhile. What are you up to?”

“I’m out shopping in Japantown,” she says, spinning her phone around to give you a quick view of colorful storefronts and an adorable bakery. “And I saw this cute Moomin plush keychain. It reminded me of you, so I’m gonna gift it you!”

A Gift?! 

Your eyes widen. “N-No! It’s fine!”

Yunjin’s smile doesn’t falter. “Oh, stop it. I want to. Plus, it’ll give me an excuse to go visit you.” Yunjin lives a couple of hours away from you, so you don’t get to see her as often as you used to during college.

Despite her kindness, you feel a pang of guilt. Being unemployed has left you hyperaware of money, and the idea of your friend spending her hard-earned cash on you—without expecting anything in return—feels unbearable. But that’s just how she is. That’s just…Yunny.

“Really, you don’t have to,” you say, even as a part of you knows arguing with her is pointless.

“Too late!” she sing-songs, flipping the camera around to show the tiny Moomin plush with its sweet little face and scarf. “Tell me this isn’t so you.”

It is. It absolutely is.

You sigh, shaking your head but unable to keep from smiling. “Okay, fine. But at least let me treat you to a coffee.”

“Deal,” Yunjin says with a wink before turning the camera back to her. “So, how’s it going with your new place? Settling in okay?”

Your mind flashes to Seokjin, to the events of last night, and you swallow hard. “Uh, yeah. It’s… nice. Just getting things sorted.”

Yunjin squints at the screen, her expression turning suspicious. “You sound weird. What’s going on?”

Should you tell her? Absolutely not. She’d think the whole situation was bizarre—and worse, she’d probably call you weird for sticking around to watch him do that. You quickly decide to change the topic.

“Yunny, is there really no way I can stay with you for a bit of time?” you groan, leaning against the pile of clothes you’d been folding.

Yunjin’s brow furrows. “Oh, why? You don’t like your new place?”

“It’s… fine,” you hedge, glancing toward your door as if Jin might somehow overhear. “I just… I don’t know. It’d be nice to have you around again like old times.”

The truth is, you don’t want to leave this city. It’s the only place where the kind of opportunities you’re looking for exist. And besides, you love it here—the energy, the atmosphere, the food scene. Nothing else in or out of state even comes close.

But if moving meant getting away from the strange situation you’ve landed yourself in, maybe you’d consider it.

“Uh, well, sadly, no,” Yunjin says with a slight pout. “I thought one of my housemates was moving out to live with her boyfriend, but it looks like that was all talk. She’s staying put for now. They probably wouldn’t be okay with temporary couch surfing either.”

That makes sense.

“Oh,” you reply, deflated. “Okay.”

“Hmm.” Yunjin narrows her eyes, clearly unconvinced, but thankfully, she doesn’t press further. “Well, I can’t wait to see your new place. We’ll do a housewarming soon, okay?”

“Yeah, definitely,” you say, nodding along, though the thought of hosting a gathering here makes your stomach twist. How exactly would you explain Seokjin’s... side hustle to anyone if they happened to find out?

“Alright, I’ve gotta go,” Yunjin says, the bustling noise behind her growing louder. “I’m supposed to get lunch with Hanni and Stephen. Love you!”

“Love you too,” you reply, waving at the screen before the call ends.

You set your phone down, a mix of warmth and guilt settling over you. It’s comforting to know Yunjin has your back, but it also serves as a painful reminder of how far you’ve fallen. No job, no stability, and now living with a guy who… well.

You shake your head, refusing to let yourself spiral. There’s too much to do, too many boxes to unpack. For now, you focus on the small wins—folding clothes, sorting books, reclaiming a sense of order.

One step at a time.

You throw yourself into unpacking and organizing, letting the steady rhythm of your tasks distract you from your swirling thoughts. The hours slip by as you arrange books on shelves, hang up clothes, and shuffle boxes around to make the room feel less like a storage unit and more like a home.

By the time the sun begins to dip lower in the sky, you’ve made solid progress. Your room is starting to look presentable—cozy, even. The hum of activity keeps your mind occupied, though every now and then, stray thoughts about last night sneak in.

The sound of the front door unlocking jolts you out of your reverie. A moment later, Seokjin walks in, dressed in business attire, his tie slightly loosened and his hair tousled in that effortlessly charming way that makes it clear why his stream fans are obsessed with him.

“Hey,” he says, offering a small smile as he sets his bag on the counter. “How was your day?”

“It was good,” you reply, wiping your dust-covered hands on your jeans. “Got most of my stuff sorted out.”

He glances toward your room and nods approvingly. “Nice. Looks like you’ve been busy.”

“Yeah, I figured I’d get it all done before it starts to feel like a chore.”

Seokjin chuckles as he loosens his tie completely and drapes it over a chair. “Smart move. I should probably take a page out of your book. My closet’s a disaster zone right now.”

“Really?” you ask, raising an eyebrow. “You don’t strike me as the messy type.”

He shrugs, pulling open the fridge to grab a bottle of water. “It’s organized chaos. I know where everything is… mostly.”

You laugh softly, some of the tension you’d been holding onto easing as the conversation flows naturally. For the first time since last night, you don’t feel quite so on edge around him.

“Anyway,” he says, taking a sip of water and leaning against the counter, “I’m gonna change out of this and make something for dinner. You hungry?”

“Starving,” you admit, realizing you hadn’t eaten much while caught up in organizing.

“Cool. Give me like ten minutes,” he says with a grin, already heading toward his room.

As he disappears down the hallway, you let out another breath you didn’t realize you were holding. It’s going to take some time to feel normal here, but for now, small moments like this help.

Back to one step at a time.

Yes… one step at a time.

Jin reappears in casual clothes—sweatpants and a loose tee that somehow still manages to look good on him—and heads straight to the kitchen. You sit on the couch, doomscrolling on social media to consume random content to keep you busy in the meantime.

The comforting sound of clattering pots and pans fills the apartment, accompanied by the savory aroma of something delicious in the making.

When he calls out, “Hope you like pasta carbonara,” you can’t help but feel grateful he’s even making you food. 

He doesn’t have to do this, but it’s nice that he is.

He sets the steaming pan on top of a hot pad on the table, followed by two plates, forks, and a sprinkle of grated cheese in a small dish. “Voilà. Gourmet dining at its finest.”

This actually looks like high quality italian restaurant quality presentation.

You take a seat, eyeing the dish appreciatively. “Woah? Fancy. Do you cook like this all the time?”

He grins as he spoons a generous serving onto your plate. “Not always. I have a rotation: this, ramen, steak, kimchi jjigae, and… takeout. Lots of takeout.”

You laugh, grabbing your fork. “Sounds somewhat balanced.”

“I try to keep it balanced but,” he agrees, twirling pasta onto his fork. “I also work out a bit too.”

“Nice,” 

In your mind, you’re thinking “yeah, you’ve seen him workout alright”

This is really going to eat at you at this rate.

The two of you eat in comfortable silence for a while, the rich, creamy flavors of the pasta doing wonders for your mood. It feels surreal to be sitting here, sharing a meal with someone who, just days ago, you were convinced would be a terrible roommate.

The meal is delicious, better than you’d expected. For a while, you let yourself get lost in the comforting simplicity of eating—pasta twirling on your fork, the sauce aroma wafting up, the occasional clink of silverware against plates.

It feels… normal. Nice, even. But still, at the back of your mind, there’s a quiet storm brewing.

The night before keeps replaying in your head, uninvited and intrusive, like a broken record you can’t turn off. You glance at Seokjin as he eats, his features relaxed, his posture casual. How can he seem so normal when you know what he was doing less than 24 hours ago?

The mental tug-of-war begins: Should you just ignore it? Pretend it never happened? Or—

“So,” you blurt, interrupting your own thoughts, “what exactly do you do for work?”

Jin looks up, chewing thoughtfully before swallowing. “I work in marketing,” he says, reaching for his water.

You nod, encouraging him to continue. “Marketing for…?”

He grins, sensing your peaked interest. “Riot Games. You know, the League of Legends company?”

Your eyes widen. “No way! What! That’s so cool.”

That’s actually a pretty awesome career.

And so Seokjin of him.

“Yeah, it’s pretty fun. A lot of campaigns and community engagement stuff. It keeps me busy, but I like it. Games have always been my thing.”

That part doesn’t surprise you. Growing up, Jin was always glued to his Game Boy, computer or chattering about his latest high scores. This career seems like a natural fit for him.

“Of course, I remember that well,” you say, smiling. “Also explains the gaming setup.”

“The gaming setup?” Jin freezes for a fraction of a second, his fork hovering mid-air. His expression shifts from casual to guarded so quickly you almost miss it.

Shit.

You scramble to backtrack. “Uh, I just mean… you seem like the type to have a cool gaming setup, you know? Dual monitors, fancy keyboard, maybe some LED lights?”

His shoulders relax slightly, though his eyes remain sharp, watching you closely. “Haven’t shown you my room yet. How’d you know?”

“I didn’t,” you reply quickly, forcing a laugh. “It’s just a guess. I mean, come on, you work at Riot Games. Wouldn’t you have the gear to match?”

Jin tilts his head, a playful smirk tugging at his lips before he leans back in his chair. “Actually,” he says, his tone shifting slightly, “I’ve been a bit shy to mention this, but… I’m also a Twitch streamer.”

You already knew this from prior snooping, so you gotta act surprised.

Your fork pauses mid-air. “Woah? You are?”

He nods, a little sheepish now, which is a rare look for him. “Yeah. My old roommate actually got me into it awhile back. It started as a way to unwind after work, but then it kinda… took off. Nothing crazy, but it’s been fun.”

You don’t think that 200,000 followers is something to not be impressed about. That is a decently big audience for someone who hasn’t been doing it for too long.

That sparks your curiosity. “Really? What do you stream?”

“Well, gaming mainly as you saw,” he says, shrugging. “Some League, Valorant… a bit of variety stuff when I feel like it. My audience isn’t huge, but it’s a solid little community to talk with.”

Audience, right.

Your mind flashes back to last night—the setup, the webcam, the comments streaming on the screen—and your stomach tightens. He wanted to hide this from you but still has more to uncover, but he’s so good at hiding it. Well, at least until you caught him yesterday.

You try to keep your expression neutral as you ask, “Isn’t it hard to balance with your job?”

Seokjin shakes his head. “Not really. Most of my streams are at night, after work. I mean, I’m already up, so I might as well do something productive, right?”

Productive, you think, the word ricocheting in your head. If only he knew…

“That’s… really cool,” you manage, keeping your tone even. “Do you think you’ll ever go full-time with it?”

He laughs, running a hand through his hair. “Nah. I like streaming, but I don’t think I’d give up my day job for it. It’s more of a side hustle, you know? Keeps me busy and entertained.”

“Right,” you say, nodding. “That makes sense.”

“I’ll have to show it to you some time. Maybe even let you try the setup if you’re into games.”

Oh?

“Sure,” you say, nodding too eagerly. “That sounds fun. Though I’ve always been a Nintendo girl,”

“I do recall, and that’s fine by me. We could play Mario Kart!”

“That sounds like a lot of fun, Jin—”

The word slips out naturally, before you even realize it. You freeze mid-sentence, your lips parting as the familiar nickname hangs awkwardly in the air. You haven’t called him “Jin” since elementary school. It used to roll off your tongue back when you were kids, when he was just a goofy classmate you exchanged Pokémon cards with and competed against in dodgeball. But ever since reconnecting as adults, you’ve made a conscious effort to just refer to him by his full name, Seokjin. It felt more appropriate. More… grown-up.

And it created a boundary, which now feels undone by you calling him more casually. Curse you getting more comfortable with this man! His eyes widen slightly at the sound of it, his smile faltering for only a split second before softening into something warmer. “Jin, huh?” he muses, raising an eyebrow. “Haven’t heard you call me that in years.”

You swallow, cheeks warming as you try to play it off casually. “Oh. Uh, sorry— I just—”

“You just what?” he teases gently, clearly enjoying your flustered state.

You groan, covering your face for a brief moment. “It just slipped out, okay? Old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Hmm.” His voice hums with amusement, and when you peek at him through your fingers, he’s looking at you with a fond expression that makes your stomach flip. “I don’t mind it, you know. Kinda like it, actually.”

“You like it?”

“Yeah,” he says simply, shrugging. “It’s nostalgic.”

There’s a pause as the two of you exchange a quiet glance, something unspoken settling in the air between you. For a moment, you swear his gaze lingers on you just a little too long.

“Well,” you mutter, trying to brush off the sudden tension. “If you don’t mind it, I guess I’ll start calling you Jin again.”

His smile widens into something bright and genuine, then chuckles. “Good! Doesn’t feel too weird anyways since my Twitch chat calls me Jin as well.”

And you were flustered over this for nothing.

The conversation moves on, but every time you say “Jin”, there’s a flicker of something in his eyes—something you can’t quite place. You ignore it though, as his dirty secret continues to gnaw at your mind more than whatever he must be thinking.

Glancing at him as he finishes his pasta, a soft hum escaping him as he collects the plates.

You retreat to your room, bidding Jin a casual goodnight as he mentions his plans for the evening. “Gonna play some Elden Ring with my friends, and then stream a Pokémon randomized Nuzlocke at nine,” he says, grinning. “If you hear me yelling at any ungodly hour, just know it’s the RNG gods being cruel.”

“Good to know,” you reply with a small laugh before closing your door behind you.

Settling onto your bed, you decide to distract yourself with something immersive—Bakemonogatari. It’s been on your list for a long time, and felt like now would be a good time to watch it. The anime’s intricate dialogue and surreal visuals immediately pull you in, though it’s hard to focus completely with lingering thoughts of Jin playing games only a few walls away.

You shake your head, forcing yourself to focus on the screen. As the narrative deepens and the subtitles demand your full attention, your eyelids grow heavier. Soon, the soft glow of the laptop screen and the soothing cadence of the voice acting lull you into a deep sleep.

A good sleep.

The kind of sleep you’ve been craving after a long day of cleaning, unpacking, and organizing—a chance to reset and settle fully into this new chapter of your life.

Until a familiar sensation stirs you awake.

You blink blearily at the clock on your nightstand.

2:35 a.m.

Déjà vu hits you like a freight train. The thirst pulls you out of bed, an undeniable urge. With a groggy sigh, you shuffle out of your room and make your way to the kitchen.

The dim light from the hallway guides you as you grab a water bottle from under the sink. The cool plastic feels grounding in your hand as you twist the cap open and take a long, satisfying sip.

Refreshed, you glance around. It’s quiet, save for the faint hum of the fridge and the soft whir of your thoughts.

And then your gaze instinctively drifts toward Jin’s room again.

Not for the wrong reasons! you tell yourself defensively. It’s just… you’re checking on him. Making sure he’s okay!

Right?

Your bare feet make the softest pats against the floor as you tiptoe a little closer to the hallway leading to Jin’s room. Sure enough, a familiar sliver of light leaks from the partially ajar door.

But something’s different this time.

You squint, leaning just enough to peek in.

There he is.

Seokjin sits cross-legged at his desk, headphones on, illuminated by the glow of his monitors. But instead of his usual casual attire or the polished look he had earlier, he’s wearing a pajama set. A blue pajama set covered in cartoon characters. The sight of him in something so unexpectedly cute throws you for a loop.

On the screen, the familiar pixelated world of Pokémon sprawls before him.

“Okay guys, I should end the live here,” he says cheerfully, his voice carrying through the quiet apartment. “But I’m almost at the Elite Four! This team I have right now is pretty solid, even if we lost Moon the Lunatone. I’ll get through the rival battle and stop there.”

Your jaw slackens.

Wait, what?

Where’s the camwork? The NSFW content? The explicit… everything you’d stumbled upon last night?

Confusion swirls in your chest as you scurry back to your room, shutting the door as quietly as possible. You lean against it, clutching the water bottle in both hands as your mind races.

What is going on here?

Had you… imagined it? No, that couldn’t be right. The vivid image of last night flashes through your mind unbidden, heat creeping up your neck as you recall every mortifying detail.

But now? He’s just streaming a Pokémon Nuzlocke like a completely normal, wholesome gamer.

Maybe you dreamed it…?

You sit on the edge of your bed, clutching the water bottle as if it’s the only thing tethering you to reality.

Maybe you were just seeing things last night.

The thought plants itself firmly in your mind, and as much as you try to swat it away, it lingers. You were exhausted yesterday. Between moving, unpacking, and the emotional whirlwind of losing your job and your relationship, maybe your mind just… played tricks on you.

Yeah, that must be it.

There’s no way you actually saw Jin doing that.

You groan, burying your face in your hands. “Oh god, I’m losing it,” you mutter under your breath.

Still, the memory feels so vivid. The faint glow of his screen, his movements, the soft noises—ugh, stop it! You shake your head, desperate to push the images out of your mind.

But the scene you just witnessed tonight couldn’t be more different. Jin was just… Jin. Cute pajama set, gaming setup, and an audience of what you assume were adoring fans cheering him on as he streamed his Pokémon playthrough.

Totally innocent.

Totally normal.

You flop back onto your bed, staring up at the ceiling. Your chest tightens as you try to rationalize it all. Maybe the stress and lack of sleep made your brain concoct some wild scenario. After all, you’re in a new place with a guy you haven’t seen since childhood. Maybe it’s just your subconscious working overtime as you’re lacking physical touch.

That has to be it, you convince yourself, pulling the blanket over your face.

And that’s exactly what you’ve convinced yourself to think.

Over two weeks have passed, and from the few times you’ve stumbled out of bed late at night, you haven’t encountered anything remotely similar to what you thought you saw on your first night here.

It became easier and easier to believe you hallucinated the whole thing.

Stress does crazy things to people, you told yourself. You just need to focus on your life.

Still, the faint embarrassment lingers every now and then, but it’s manageable. After all, you’ve been busy with moving-in activities, refining your resume, and applying to jobs. Productivity has been your savior, keeping your mind occupied and away from thoughts of intimacy—something that feels uncomfortable ever since your last relationship ended in betrayal.

Order seems to have been restored.

Conversations with Seokjin (who you now refer to as Jin) have become more natural, the initial awkwardness dissipating as you become more comfortable with one another and you’ve settled into a rhythm. You respect each other’s spaces, and despite the occasional childish banter, the dynamic is easy, like good old friends reconnecting.

You’ve gone shopping together for groceries, evening outings to eat at a sit-in restaurant or even just go for a drive or walk to destress, which usually ends in getting ice cream or bubble tea.

It’s oddly casual, but you don’t mind that. This is how things should be now that you’re both adults.

It’s a Thursday at noon when you hear the doorbell and find a large package waiting for Jin. 

[You: Hey, there's a big package addressed to you at the door? Where should I put it?]

After texting him to ask where to leave it, he eventually responds:

[Jin: Ah, thanks for letting me know. I was waiting on that to come in. Jin:Just put it in my room if you don’t mind!]

[You: Okay!]

And with that, you pick up the box and head toward his room.

It occurs to you as you step inside that this is your first time actually entering his space.

Jin’s room is, unsurprisingly, immaculate—spacious, well-organized, and undeniably him. The decor is a cute mix of his personality: shelves filled with gaming figures, an impressive collection of games, and stuffed animals of his favorite creatures scattered across the bed. There’s even a small shrine to Mario and Kirby in the corner that makes you grin.

You place the package on his bed as instructed and turn to leave, but something catches your eye.

His monitor.

The screen is still on, displaying a cluttered web browser with more tabs open than anyone should realistically have. You almost laugh at the chaos of it—thirty, maybe forty tabs?

But then your gaze lands on one in particular.

A small icon. A name.

Chaturbate.

Your heart skips a beat.

Oh. My. God.

It’s like the carefully constructed world of denial you’ve built over the past week shatters in an instant.

No way. No, no, no, this can’t be?!

Your feet feel glued to the floor as your mind races. This can’t be real. Why would Jin have that open? Wasn’t it just a mistake that night? A fluke? A hallucination?!

And yet, here it is. Right in front of you.

Your stomach flips as hell’s gates open again, memories from that night rushing back in vivid detail.

Curiosity claws at you, relentless and insistent. You know you shouldn’t, but the urge to know is overwhelming. If it really is what you think it is… then maybe, just maybe, you can confirm it and put this strange, lingering mystery to rest.

Your heart pounds in your chest as you step closer to the desk. The glow of the screen feels accusatory, like a spotlight shining on your guilt. This is so wrong, you think, but your hand still moves.

You nudge the mouse, waking the monitor from its idle dimness.

The browser window expands to full brightness, revealing the countless tabs more clearly now. You spot the one labeled Chaturbate. Your fingers hover over the mouse, trembling slightly, and before you can talk yourself out of it, you click.

The page loads immediately.

And there it is.

The profile is still open, though it’s not broadcasting live. A banner at the top reads: "Offline – Streams Scheduled 3x a month. Next stream: Tonight at 1:30AM."

The alias catches your eye immediately, bold and unmistakable at the top of the page: "BigTunaManXOXO"

Big Tuna Man?

You have to chuckle, though the sound feels unnatural in the stillness of the room. Well, he did mention he likes tuna when you two had sushi two days ago. You shake your head in disbelief at how absurd the situation is.

Scrolling a little more, your heart races as the tags and content descriptions appear on the screen. Tags like casual play, NSFW, punishment, and even interactive fill the list, confirming everything you feared—and hoped—was true.

What did you expect? you think, eyes scanning the content. His previous streams, unlocked for paid viewers, show glimpses of what you had seen—shirtless moments, fan interactions, and those subtle teases. Some comments from regular viewers flash on the screen: "You’re so cute, Big Tuna. Gonna get your next stream tonight?"

A pit forms in your stomach as you scroll further, seeing the balance of gaming content mixed with something... different. There are a few VODs, some marked with glowing red icons and some tagged with things like solo play, toys, edging and private sessions. Your breath catches in your throat as you click on one of the unlocked streams. It starts to load, and before you can stop yourself, you’re staring at a past broadcast.

Seokjin.

In a black Alo Yoga hoodie and 5” inseam black shorts. The camera angle is different now, the lighting softer, more intimate. His voice comes through clearly, playful, teasing. You watch as he interacts with the chat, joking around with his viewers, and then... he moves the camera just enough that you can see the lower half of his face for a moment—barely anything though, but enough to confirm it’s him to you, who has been seeing him every day since you moved in with him.

His usual smile is replaced by something softer, more relaxed, more... flirty.

And then, there it is.

The content, the movement—just like you saw that first night. The subtle, slow gestures that make everything come rushing back, and for a moment, you forget to breathe.

You harshly click the tab shut, returning to the previous tab it once was. Quickly, you leave Jin’s room, making sure not to disturb anything else. The echo of the laptop snapping shut still rings in your ears, and your hands are trembling slightly as you step back into the hallway.

You hope it doesn’t look like you lingered too long. The last thing you need is for him to know you were snooping around, even accidentally. You slip back into your own room, shutting the door behind you, and lean against it, exhaling shakily.

This is too much.

You now have undeniable proof. Solid, irrefutable evidence that the man you’re living with, sharing meals with, and chatting about Pokémon and pasta with... is a cam boy. A cam boy doing porn and who’s managed to keep this side hustle hidden under layers of casual charm and everyday normalcy.

It’s not the fact that he does that kind of work that bothers you, not at all. If anything, it’s more… personal than that… The memory of what you saw—his expressions, his movements—lingers in your mind like an unshakable phantom, making your body feel uncomfortably warm and restless. You sink onto your bed, burying your face in your hands as if that will somehow erase the imagery burned into your brain.

Get it together, you tell yourself.

But curiosity—it’s a relentless beast. The harder you try to shove it down, the more insistent it becomes. Questions start to pile up, each one more intrusive than the last.

Does anyone recognize him? Do his fans know?

You grab your phone, desperate for answers, and open Reddit. If there’s one place on the internet where secrets can’t stay buried, it’s here. Your fingers fly across the keyboard as you type: Gamer Jin and BigTunaManXOXO Reddit.

The search yields only two results. Two. A drop in the ocean of online gossip and speculation, yet still enough to send your heart into overdrive.

You tap the first thread: “Jin and BigTunaManXOXO: Double Life?”

The original poster’s comment pulls you in instantly:

“Okay, is it just me, or doesn’t he sound like this cam boy BigTunaManXOXO? Literally has the same voice, same mannerisms... someone tell me I’m not crazy.”

The replies are a mix of disbelief, humor, and outright denial. Some users dismiss the theory as absurd, calling it disrespectful to Jin. Others joke about the sheer randomness of the comparison, adding memes and GIFs for good measure.

But a small minority entertains the possibility.

“I mean… I’ve seen his streams. The way he laughs does sound kinda similar…”

“I don’t think it’s him, but if it were, that would be WILD.”

One reply makes your stomach churn:

“Not saying it’s him, but I subscribed to BigTunaManXOXO just to fantasize about him being Jin. No regrets.”

You stare at the screen, your mind spinning. The majority of commenters don’t believe the theory, dismissing it as pure coincidence. But they have no idea how close they are to the truth.

And now, neither can you unsee it.

Seokjin arrived home that evening with a bright smile and the unmistakable aroma of takeout wafting through the apartment. The bags he carried crinkled as he shifted them in his arms, his voice ringing out cheerfully, “Guess what I got? Bao buns! And a few other things, but mostly the bao buns—because I remembered you mentioned them earlier this week.”

You hear a knock at your door a moment later, and you pause, nerves prickling under your skin. You take a deep breath, steadying yourself before opening it. Seokjin stands there, still dressed in his work clothes but with his usual easygoing grin.

“Dinner’s here. Come eat,” he says, gesturing toward the living room with the bags.

You nod, smiling back, though it feels a little forced. “Thanks, Jin. That’s really thoughtful of you.”

His sharp eyes linger on you for a beat too long, and you know he’s caught the slight edge in your tone, the nervous way you’re holding the door. He doesn’t say anything, but his expression shifts—subtle, curious. He doesn’t push, though; that’s not his style.

Instead, he leans back casually and adds, “I figured we could eat and watch something. Maybe an old favorite of yours?” He raises a brow, the corners of his lips tugging upward knowingly. “Bleach? I noticed you have some merch on your bookshelf.”

Your heart skips a beat, both from the thoughtful gesture and the fact that Seokjin’s perceptiveness always seems to catch you off guard. Does he see right through me? Does he know what I found?

“Bleach sounds good,” you say quickly, hoping to steady yourself. “Let me just grab something, and I’ll meet you in the living room.”

“Cool,” he says, his voice calm but tinged with something else—maybe a touch of inquisition. He walks off toward the kitchen, leaving you alone for a moment.

You close the door softly, leaning your head against it. Why does he have to be so…—you search for the right word—attentive? It’s like he has a radar for when something’s wrong. And now, dinner and your childhood favorite anime feel like a test of your ability to act normal.

A few minutes later, you join him in the living room. The coffee table is already set with the takeout containers: bao buns, lo mein, orange chicken, and fried rice. Jin is on the couch, flipping through streaming options until he lands on Bleach. He looks up and pats the cushion next to him.

“Sit. I already started the episode where Ichigo reunites with Rukia and the other Gotei 13 soul reapers. Start of my favorite arcs.”

You sit, the warm scent of the food making your stomach growl despite the anxious knot twisting inside you. Seokjin slides a plate toward you, and the two of you settle into a rhythm—eating, watching, occasionally commenting on the nostalgia of the show.

But the tension lingers.

Out of the corner of your eye, you catch him glancing at you between bites, as if trying to figure out what’s on your mind. And you wonder just how long it will take before his curiosity outweighs his patience.

As you both finish up the episode of Bleach, Seokjin turns to you, his gaze warm yet inquisitive. “So, how was your day?”

You pause for a second, collecting your thoughts. 

What to say? What did you do today before your world got flipped upside down… Oh right… the job interview. “Busy,” you say with a small laugh. “I had a second interview earlier for a job.”

His eyebrows lift, impressed. “Oh? What’s the role?”

“It’s for a coordinator position at a small fashion house,” you explain. “It went… great, actually. But I don’t think I’ll get it though.”

Jin frowns, leaning slightly closer. “Why not? You just said it went great.”

You shrug, letting out a sigh. “I don’t know. It’s just a gut feeling, I guess. Fashion’s cutthroat, you know? The people in that industry are quick to judge if you don’t fit the vibe they’re looking for. You can have all the skills, a good background, everything—but it’s still not enough sometimes. I don’t think I got what they want.”

He watches you for a moment, then sets down his plate and reaches across the table. His hand finds yours, warm and grounding. “Hey,” he says softly, his voice steady. “You are good enough. I know it’s hard not to overthink, but you have to believe that you bring something special to the table.”

Your chest tightens at his words, the sincerity in his tone. His thumb brushes your knuckles gently, and that nervous feeling blooms again, tugging at the edges of your thoughts. There’s something so familiar about this—like nostalgia wrapped in uncertainty. It’s comforting, but it scares you all the same.

You blink, pulling your hand back as casually as you can without it seeming abrupt. “Thanks, Jin,” you say, your voice tight. “I… I should probably get ready for this international networking seminar I have. It’s later tonight so I’ll be up for awhile.”

He tilts his head slightly, concern flickering in his expression, but he doesn’t press. “Right. Well, good luck with it. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Right back ‘atcha,” you reply quickly, standing up. You gather the disposable utensils and plates in a hurry, tossing them into the trash before he can say anything else.

Seokjin stays seated on the couch, his gaze lingering on you as you retreat to your room. The moment you close the door behind you, you exhale sharply, pressing your back against it.

Why does he have to be like this? So supportive, so perceptive, so… kind?

This is not the Seokjin you imagined when you decided to move in here!

You shake your head, trying to refocus your thoughts. You have work to do. The seminar is important, and you need to be prepared. But even as you sit down at your desk and open your laptop, you can’t shake the image of Jin’s hand on yours or the soft encouragement in his voice.

It’s almost enough to make you forget what you saw earlier today. Almost.

Would it do you any good to force yourself to forget? Pretend that the tab you saw was just a fleeting mistake, an inconsequential moment in time?

Or would it be better to confront this unsettling curiosity head-on? Maybe, if you understood more about his “side hobby,” you could find a way to desensitize yourself. Make it less of a big deal. Normalize it in your head.

The thought gnaws at you until you’re lying in bed at 1:28 a.m., the glow of your laptop casting a dim light across your room. You’re wearing your old blue track shorts and a faded YMCA T-shirt, the kind of comfort wear you don’t expect anyone to see you in. You thought the seminar would last longer, but with some guest speaker changes, it ended right at 1am.

So now you’re doing this.

The chat on the pending livestream is already alive—rows of messages racing up the screen, eager fans buzzing in anticipation of “BigTunaMan’s” arrival.

You can’t believe you’re actually doing this.

You glance at the clock again. One minute to go.

Then, he appears.

The camera flicks on, revealing Seokjin—or BigTunaMan, as his audience knows him—seated in his chair, the warm glow of soft lighting the only facially visible part of him: his lower half of his face and the subtle curve of his smirk. He’s wearing a loose tank top, the kind that clings just enough to hint at the lines of his shoulders and chest, paired with pajama bottoms that ride low on his hips. His demeanor is relaxed, confident, and undeniably captivating.

“Hey there, my army of lovers,” he greets, his voice lower, smoother, each word deliberately stretched out as if he’s tasting them. The chat floods instantly with messages, adoration pouring in from every corner of his audience.

“BigTunaMan, looking gorgeous as always!”

“Omg, talk slower, I can’t handle it.”

“Take all my money, please.”

Jin leans forward, resting his chin in his hand, his lips curling into an indulgent smile as he reads through the comments. “You’ve all been so patient tonight,” he purrs. “So how about I spoil you a little?”

He picks up a small bowl of strawberries from beside him, holding it up for the camera. The way his fingers brush over the fruit feels intentional, sensual, as though he’s fully aware of the effect he has on the people watching.

“Let’s start simple,” he murmurs, his gaze flickering to the chat, teasing. “A little ASMR snack to set the mood. And of course, I’ll be saying your names—if you’ve earned it.”

The screen lights up with donations almost instantly, usernames accompanied by desperate messages and heart emojis.

He picks a strawberry from the bowl, holding it delicately between his fingers, and bites into it slowly. The sound is soft but amplified, deliberate, and his eyes never leave the camera. He chews thoughtfully, his tongue darting out briefly to catch a stray bit of juice.

“Thank you, PurpleHeart94,” he whispers, his voice silky and intimate. “You’re so generous tonight, baby.” He takes another bite, his gaze steady and smoldering. “And you, HentaiPrincess420—what a sweet name. Thank you for spoiling me when I should be doing that to you.”

Shit… He’s so smooth.

The chat goes wild, messages pouring in faster than you can keep track of them.

He takes his time, naming off more donors, each one met with a sultry thank-you, his tone dripping with playful affection. By the time the strawberries are gone, the tension in the air feels palpable, even through the screen.

Jin leans back in his chair, running a hand through his hair as he speaks. “Now that we’re warmed up,” he says, his voice dropping lower, “how about we move on to something… a little more sexy?”

Your breath catches.

“The touching session,” he says simply, his hand trailing down his chest slowly, almost lazily. The camera angle shifts slightly, framing him in a way that feels more intimate, inviting, as if he’s closing the distance between himself and his audience.

You’re not sure whether you should close the laptop or keep watching, but your fingers remain frozen, hovering over the keyboard.

The chat explodes:

“YES, PLEASE!”

“Touch me instead!”

“PICK ME CHOOSE ME BigTunaMan!”

Jin chuckles, the sound low and resonant. “Patience,” he chides softly. “We’ve got all night, haven’t we?”

The camera zooms in slightly, drawing your focus to the deliberate, almost hypnotic movements of Jin’s hands as they trail over his skin. His voice, smooth and sultry, seeps into your ears like honey, wrapping around your thoughts and making it impossible to concentrate on anything else.

“Do you like this?” he murmurs, his tone so intimate it feels like he’s speaking directly to you. “Tell me how much you want it.”

The chat erupts in eager replies, but they’re a distant hum compared to the pounding of your heart. You can’t look away.

Though he keeps his face just out of view, it’s his voice that captures you, that low, velvety timbre punctuated by soft, breathy moans. They’re unintentional, almost reluctant, but they strike something deep within you.

You swallow hard, your throat dry, as your eyes remain glued to the screen. The way his hands move—slow, teasing, purposeful—sends heat coursing through your body. Every movement is a study in precision, a dance of tension and release that makes your breath hitch.

You feel your body responding in ways you didn’t expect. Warmth pools low in your belly, and your thighs press together instinctively. Your fingers hover near the trackpad, ready to click away but unable to follow through.

“This feels good, doesn’t it?” he continues, his voice breaking into a soft groan that sends a shiver down your spine. Why is this actually feeling…good. You can’t stop yourself from imagining those hands on you, guiding you, making you forget everything—your ex, the breakup, the shitty job market, the confusion of the past weeks.

For a moment, you close your eyes and let the sound of his voice wash over you. Your fingers inch lower, hesitating, as you let yourself get lost in the moment. You’re not thinking about the consequences, about what this means. You’re thinking about him—his hands, his voice, the heat building inside you.

The guilt simmers beneath the surface, but it’s drowned out by the relentless pull of desire. The screen lights up your room, but it’s his voice and movements that light you up inside. You barely notice the chat anymore; it’s just you and him in this moment, an unspoken connection through the glow of the laptop.

Your breath comes in shallow gasps as your hand moves on its own accord, slipping under the waistband of your shorts. You close your eyes again, imagining his hands instead of your own, his voice murmuring your name instead of the ones flooding the chat. For the first time in weeks, maybe months, you let yourself feel without holding back.

In this moment, nothing else matters. Fuck the breakup you had with Mingi. Fuck the stress of job searching. Fuck the awkwardness of living with him. And most importantly, fuck the consequences of watching this. It’s just him, the way he makes you feel, and the heat that consumes you completely.

Your breath hitches as your hands wander further, slipping under your shirt to tease at your nipples, fingers rolling and pinching lightly. Each touch sends sparks of pleasure shooting through you, but it’s not enough—not compared to what you’re watching on the screen.

Not like Jin’s movements at all.

Jin’s hands move with expert precision against his dick, his body shifting slightly as he leans into the motions. His moans, soft yet intentional, echo in your ears, spurring your own need higher. You slide your shorts down your hips, the cool air kissing your skin as they drop to the floor.

Your fingers dip lower, grazing over the slick heat pooling between your thighs. It’s good, but not nearly enough. You want more. You need more.

With a frustrated sigh, you pull yourself away from the bed, heart pounding as you open the drawer of your nightstand. Your fingers quickly locate the toy nestled among your folded underwear. It’s a guilty secret you’ve kept for moments like this, though none of those moments have ever felt as charged as this one.

You crawl back onto the bed, the glow of the screen casting shadows over your skin. Jin’s voice fills the room, low and enticing, as he murmurs, “You want me to keep going? Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”

Your thighs clench involuntarily at his words, your hand trembling slightly as you press the toy against yourself. The first vibration jolts through you, a gasp escaping your lips as your body arches into the sensation.

On the screen, Jin leans back slightly, his voice dipping even lower. “Just relax,” he says, as though he knows exactly what you’re doing. “Let me make you feel good.”

You follow his lead, letting the toy work against you as your free hand resumes teasing your chest. The pleasure builds steadily, your movements syncing with his as if he’s guiding you through the screen.

Every sound he makes, every deliberate motion, heightens the sensation coursing through you. You bite your lip, trying to stay quiet, but a soft moan slips out despite your efforts. The rhythm of the toy against you matches the cadence of his voice, and it feels as though he’s right there, coaxing you to the edge. You feel yourself almost reaching your orgasm.

But then…

The darkness in the room is lit by the various colored lights and monitor screens as Jin’s chest rises and falls. He begins to slows his movements on his cock, his fingers curling reflexively against his skin. For a brief, unguarded moment, his mind conjures your image—your laughter from earlier at dinner, the way you nervously tugged at the hem of your shirt when he reached out to reassure you.

Woah, what.

Why am I thinking about her right now?

The thought crashes into him like a freight train, shattering his carefully constructed cam-boy persona. His rhythm falters, and as he shifts back abruptly, his elbow knocks into the small Mario figure perched on the edge of his desk.

The figure wobbles, teeters, and then tumbles, the plastic base snapping cleanly off as it hits the hardwood floor.

“Shit!” Jin hisses, his hands flying up to stop the disaster that’s already occurred.

He quickly reaches for the webcam, clicking off the feed and muttering a quick excuse to his audience. “Hey guys, I’ll be right back. Technical issue. Don’t go anywhere.”

The chat floods with reactions—some disappointed, others supportive—but Jin pays them no mind. He gets himself covered up, with his focus no on the broken Mario figure in his hands.

He turns it over, the damage glaringly obvious. It’s just a silly little figurine to anyone else, but to Jin, it’s so much more. You’d given it to him during a Secret Santa exchange in elementary school. It was back when you were both just kids, long before life got complicated and your paths diverged.

He’d kept it all these years, quietly treasuring the memory of that moment, even if you probably didn’t remember.

“Damn it…” he mutters under his breath. He needs super glue—immediately.

The thought strikes him like lightning: you bought super glue just the other day to fix a keychain. You even mentioned it offhand while you were unloading groceries together.

You must have it in your room.

Without hesitation, Jin stands, his mind racing with urgency. You’d said you’d be up late for some seminar, so you’re probably awake. There’s no time to text or knock; he can just explain in person. You’re a few steps away anyway.

He pushes your door open, stepping inside in a rush, only for the world to come screeching to a halt.

His eyes widen as they land on you—sprawled on your bed, your shirt rucked up to expose bare breasts and heat, your shorts kicked off and forgotten. The unmistakable hum of a vibrator fills the air, the glow of your laptop illuminating your flushed face.

Holy shit, he just caught his new roommate and childhood rival… friend? masterbating.

Your hand freezes mid-motion as you look at him, your expression a mixture of shock and mortification.

For a moment, neither of you moves.

“I—” Jin stammers, his voice catching in his throat. His gaze darts away, his face heating up so fast it feels like it might combust. “I—oh my god—I’m sorry! I didn’t mean—”

Your own voice fails you, a strangled moaning sound escaping your lips as you scramble to pull the blanket over yourself, fumbling in a panic.

“W-What the hell, Jin!” you manage to croak, your voice high-pitched and shaky.

“I needed super glue!” he blurts out, clutching the broken Mario figure in his hands like it’s the most important thing in the world. “For this! It’s broken, and I—”

“This couldn’t wait?!” you snap, the mortification only growing as his words fully sink in.

Jin takes a step back, clearly flustered. “I didn’t think—! I mean, I thought you were—”

He freezes mid-sentence, his eyes darting to your laptop screen. His breath catches as the realization washes over him.

That’s my stream.

For a moment, the room is suffocatingly silent, his wide-eyed gaze flicking between you and the unmistakable paused screen of his cam boy persona on your laptop. You're watching me? The thought echoes in his mind, equal parts flattered and horrified.

Jin had sensed something was off earlier in the evening, even before all of this unfolded. After dinner, when he’d returned to his room, he’d noticed the Chaturbate tab—closed.

That was odd.

He distinctly remembered leaving it open before leaving for work this morning. He’d scheduled some exclusive content for his next stream and had moved the tab to a less conspicuous window. He figured maybe he’d closed it in a rush and forgotten.

But now, as he stood here, watching your flushed face buried in your hands, it started clicking into place.

Your awkward behavior during dinner—the way you fumbled through your answers, the slight tension in your laugh. He’d assumed you were just jittery from nerves after your job interview, but this? This was something else entirely.

How long have you known?

The realization settled in his chest like a slow-building weight, pushing him further toward clarity. His gaze softened, not with pity, but with a blend of intrigue and confusion.

“Y/N, you’re watching my camming stream?” he finally says, his voice low, incredulous.

You groan, your hands flying up to cover your burning face. “Oh my god. I can explain—no, wait, I can’t explain. Just—” You trail off, wishing for the earth to swallow you whole. Your voice is muffled through your palms as you mutter, “This isn’t what it looks like at all!”

You're kind of cute, all flustered like this, he thinks to himself.

Jin crosses his arms, leaning against your doorframe, and his lips quirk up into a lopsided smile. There’s amusement in his eyes, but also something more—interest, maybe? He tilts his head slightly, watching you squirm.

Maybe he should tease her a little, like old times.

“Wow,” he finally says, his voice low and teasing. “Have you been that lonely?”

Your head snaps up, your face somehow growing hotter. “What? No! I mean…” You falter, the truth sitting heavy on your tongue, and you look away, unable to meet his gaze. “Okay, maybe a little. The breakup was actually that bad and um…but this—this isn’t about that.”

He takes a step closer, his smirk softening into something gentler. “You could’ve told me.”

“Told you what?” you ask weakly, your heart pounding as he stands just a few feet away now.

“That you’ve been feeling like this. That you needed…” His voice dips, and his dark eyes flicker over you, lingering just a little too long. “Some help...”

Your breath catches, and you swallow hard, trying to keep your voice steady. “Seokjin, I don’t—”

“I could help,” he interrupts, his tone soft but unmistakably suggestive.

The weight of his words settles over you like a warm blanket, and for a moment, all you can do is stare at him, your mind racing. Is he serious? Does he mean what you think he means?

No, like why would he? What does he gain from this? Even he himself wonders.

“You could help?” you repeat, your voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it out loud would shatter whatever fragile tension exists between you.

His eyes lock onto yours, and the look he gives you is steady, confident, and almost daring. “Yeah,” he says. “If you’d let me.”

He doesn’t think you’ll actually accept it, if anything, this is probably time for you to officially kick him out–

“Then help me, already.”

–

–

–

a/n: this is really long chapter because i really wanted to add some psychological warfare going on in reader's head + some character development as these two "childhood rivals" start to befriend each other now in their adult lives. i hope you enjoy this chapter. happy holidays!! thank you all for the support and for reading!

➸ let me know what you think OR join the taglist for future works! ➸ check out my masterlist for other fics I have made

[backpackingspace]

sinmas thoughts

Okay so I literally just finished the episode an hour ago! And !! Omg

Okay first off deeply concerned about a few things

Like yes yay the elsa bitch guy getting beat up was great but like how fucking easy is it going to be for him to turn around and go hey these peasants attacked me in my own home and it's back to them about to be executed. Like there's no fucking way there isn't consequences for this

Did anybody else notice millie getting punched by elsa bitch really fucking hard right in her lower stomach. Because I sure did! What if she's not pregnant after that what if she comes to terms with being pregnant and starts to get excited only to find out her baby was murdered before it even had a chance.

There were...a lot of fucking pill bottles there. Were they empty or did stolas just mass order his fucking pills. I am worried that via will start to take them. After all she's alone in a traumatic household with her world burning down around her

Speaking of via her powers!! Coming in! And them being sporadic as fuck and tied to her emotions? Can't wait for her to literally blow everybody up that'll be a fun time.

Still on via, bot really a concern just something I'm thinking about. The way via knew immediately not to argue with her mother, or even attempt to get her phone back or get an extra one or anything at all is very telling. The way she knew to just immediately put her headphones in and keep her head down and to go hide in her room. The way she went even further to hide in her closet before starting to sing? (How many times do we think she heard her mom berate her dad for singing) i think via knows her dad was being abused but hasn't yet fully realized what that means and is (understandablely) having a lot of feelings in every single direction.

Luna seems so much more happier and relaxed! She has friends now! She's laughing and smiling and not wearing exclusively dark clothes! She's openly calling blizo dad with out the grumbling! She just seems a lot more settled and happy now and honestly good for her!!

Idk why but I was not expecting stolas to sound like that. Just the way he said pussy caught me off guard for some reason. There were a couple other times where that happened but I don't really feel like listening them all out. Also. Fucking weird to be seeing stolas's pupils now.

Also!!! Stolas's face as m&m tore into each other. Wow. You know he was freaking the fuck out there and reliving some shit.

Speaking of background faces; the imp servants at the palace. Yah they all looked miserable and terrified. Not surprised but still yikes! With stolas they were always very much done with his shit , tired, and resigned but none of them seemed really terrified/upset like they do now.

Love that we don't really get overly nice manipulation Stella on via. Like she didn't even pretend to give a shit about her for more than that one second did she.

Blitzo calling stolas his bottom instead of just... literally anything else. Like he literally did not have to do that. But also confirmed stolitz dom/sub contract? 👀 or is this blitzo being himself and I'm reading too much into it.

All of us secretary! Stolas secretary! Stolas only for it to turn out that he hates it so fucking much ("I'm poor now! Melts into a puddle oh man. )

[ozai-the-bonsai]

The Last Goodbye

Pairing: Daemon Targaryen x sister!reader

Summary: Daemon is getting ready to fly to Harrenhal to meet his fate above the Gods Eye and it kills you to send him off to his death. You share your last goodbyes before Daemon departs, which leaves you seeking for revenge.

A/N: I dreamt some part of this a few nights ago (the readers dream at the beginning is 1:1 with my dream :3) and I knew I had to write it as soon as possible! Unlike my typical Daemon works, this one-shot is all about an emotional last scene between the reader and Daemon. Enjoy!

Warnings: strong language, targcest

“Where is Daemon?”

The disgusting smirk on your nephew's face, Aegon, only served to heighten your unease. Your tone turned sharp, bordering on a threat. "I asked you a question, Aegon."

Aegon raised an eyebrow at your direction as he made himself comfortable on his chair, pouring himself some wine. “Mind your tone, Aunt – this is not how you talk to your king.”

You had never been a patient woman; however, with Aegon, your patience was practically non-existent. “I have no king, you fucking idiot.” You hissed between your gritted teeth and in a moment of blind rage, you found your hands holding Aegon from his collar. “Need I repeat myself?” Your voice was loud.

However, instead of fear in his eyes, all you could see was Aegon snickering as he looked somewhere over your shoulder. Quickly, you let him go and turned around – only to see Aemond mounting Vhagar. At that moment, it all hit you.

“No…” You muttered as you pushed Aegon away and ran to the stairs. “DAEMON, WHERE ARE YOU?”

You weren’t quite sure what scared you more – the way you woke up screaming, the nightmare itself, or the loud clang coming from the other end of the chambers.

“Fuck,” Daemon cursed as he bent down to pick up the piece of armour from the ground, which was apparently responsible for the noise. “That was some fucking loud scream.”

Holding the armour piece in his hands, your brother walked towards your bed, sitting at your feet as you tried to steady your breathing. “Bad dream?” He asked with a soft voice as he placed the piece on his lap and held your hand. You nodded.

“I thought I lost you, you were going…” While your eyes wandered around the room, you could put the pieces together and the moment you understood what Daemon was up to, the very same feeling from your nightmare returned. “What… are you doing?”

Daemon leant in to place a small kiss on top of your head. “You should go back to sleep…” But before his lips could land on you, you interrupted him by pushing him away harshly to stand up, the last bits of sleep hanging onto your lashes were long gone. Heaving a sigh, Daemon stood up as well. “You really want to do it this way, dear sister, don’t you?”

Again, patience had never been your best practice and Daemon… Well, let’s say that Daemon could easily compete with Aegon when it came to toying with your patience.

The only difference was that you had never fucked Aegon – even the mere idea of the act with your nephew was disgusting – but Daemon you had been fucking ever since you were a young woman.

“You were going to fuck off before saying goodbye to me!” Your voice thundered inside your chambers, catching Daemon off-guard, causing him to slightly flinch. “The last goodbye – am I not worth it? After all these years, after everything we have been through…”

Your brother stood up after leaving the piece of armour on the bed. “You are but so eager to see me dead, mandia,” his words brushed against your cheeks as he took you into his arms, his frame towering over yours. “I will kill the hoary old bitch and her one-eyed cunt of a rider, and be back before sunrise – you wouldn’t have realised my absence.” [mandia = sister]

“Daemon, please,” your voice was lower this time, the rage leaving its place to fear, tears forming on your eyes. “Don’t do this. Don’t leave me.” The lump in your throat was getting larger with each word, making it impossible to breathe. “You know you won’t make it out alive – Vhagar is too strong for you to take her out alone.”

Daemon cupped your face, wiping way the tears rolling down your cheek. “Have faith in me, love,” he spoke in the language of your people. He knew his words had a stronger effect on you whenever he spoke in High Valyrian, perhaps you found it more personal or felt yourself even closer to him – you didn’t really know. “Tonight, I will end this war. Tomorrow, I will give our niece her crown and then, I am all yours. Until my last breath.”

A sob escaped your lips, knowing very well that this was Daemon’s last goodbye. You both knew he was not coming back once he mounted Caraxes – though he would never admit it. Not to you, to his dear sister.

“Take me with you,” the words left your lips without even thinking. “Aemond will not be anticipating Nerathos accompanying Caraxes to Harrenhal.”

Shaking his head, Daemon placed his left hand on your belly. “I cannot lose you both, my love.” He whispered. The way his lower lip trembled as he gave voice to his deepest fear – before you knew it, you burst into tears, sobbing violently as you fell onto your knees.

“Daemon, please,” your voice was weak when you spoke. Pushing away the strands of silver hair falling in front of your eyes, you looked up to meet Daemon’s gaze, your purple eyes shining with tears. “I am begging you. Don’t leave us.”

With a bittersweet smile on his lips, Daemon helped you getting back on your feet. It was easy to see how hard he was trying to keep his emotions under control for he knew once he allowed himself to break, he would not be able to leave you behind.

He pulled you into his arms, his face buried in your silver hair. “There is no other way,” he whispered as he inhaled your scent deeply. “I love you, more than anything.”

Your sobs were silenced by Daemon’s lips, pressed firmly against yours. The kiss was full of passion, love and sorrow – you poured all the heavy feelings you carried in your heart into that last kiss, everything you had said and you never got to say. As Daemon’s tongue slid into your mouth and his grip on your waist tightened, you could still taste the salt from the tears – though you did not know whose tears they were anymore.

Time froze around the two of you as you melted into the kiss one last time. Daemon held you so tight as if he was afraid someone could come and snatch you away from him any moment, as if he was afraid to lose you. Your hands wrapped around his neck got tangled in his silver hair.

The moment Daemon broke the kiss, you knew you had to say goodbye to him in a few moments. He pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. “Wait for me, dear sister,” he spoke against your lips, “I will be back before sunrise.”

Even you yourself do not believe these words, love.

However, instead of arguing further, you forced a smile onto your lips as you nodded, tears still rolling down your cheeks. “Don’t you dare make me wait, lēkia.” As Daemon was about to take the last piece of his armour lying on the bed, you held him from his wrist, causing him to look at you. “Daemon,” you breathed out his name. “I love you, too. I will always love you.” [lēkia = brother]

You did not know how long you sat on your bed, crying, after Daemon left for Harrenhal. It was impossible to control your body which was constantly shaking – the mixed feelings of intense sorrow, the-soon-to-come grief and immense degrees of rage against the Greens had completely taken over the control.

After an hour of anxious waiting and sobbing, your body stopped shaking with the idea that came to your mind. You knew it was risky and you knew the Queen would probably not like you going rogue but at that moment, none of this mattered. Your blood boiled with the desire for revenge. And you knew exactly how you could take it.

It didn’t take long for you to change into your riding armour and mount your dragon Nerathos. As you flew over King’s Landing, Daemon’s voice still echoed in your ears, telling you to protect the baby. It was reckless, what you were about to do, you knew that quite well. You could lose your baby if anything went wrong, or you could follow the same path your brother had; however, in that moment, you were blinded by rage.

I will not let Daemon die for nothing! Eye for an eye – brother for a brother!

The flight to Dragonstone wasn’t long, before you knew it, Nerathos was getting ready to descend.

Considering it was the hour of the wolf, you did not expect to see anyone outside the castle. As you were planning how to bring down the walls on Aegon’s fucking head to crush the crippled cunt inside, your purple eyes shone for you had seen the said cripple outside the castle – only accompanied by a handful of guards.

You could tell he was anxiously waiting to hear from Harrenhal.

However, the only thing he heard was the flapping of Nerathos’ wings.

“DRAGON!” You heard someone shout from below as your dragon made a quick dive. The guards were trying to take Aegon to safety quickly but they could not match the pace of a dragon. As Nerathos landed in front of them, the guards created a wall in front of the usurper, pointing their swords at the dragon.

Nerathos roared, cutting through the night like a blade.

“Nerathos,” you spoke with determination inside your eyes. “Dracarys!”

[mono-blogs-art]

Pluto episode 10 is excellent and thank fucking god, the truth is finally out. May and Ai can finally see eye to eye (literally) and I loved the way the confession happened - May didn't orchestrate some weird plan to get to Ai again, no, Ai came back by herself because she can't let go. Because she's trying to bear all the burden and renounce all that was given to her but still, she can't help but want to leave a mark. Know that May is loved by her, and find some quiet comfort in knowing that in turn, maybe, Ai can be loved too. And so then, running into May was mere bad luck, or karma.

I wasn't a big fan of how the show had May regain her vision and deliberately choose not to tell Ai - for reasons beyond me, it's not like that would change anything about her original plan anyway. It's unnecessary and feels shitty in a way that takes me out of the immersion a bit, but I can also somehow see how it's in character for May, who needs to mastermind and control the narrative and thus, Ai's reactions. Well, she didn't calculate that Ai would just, not react at all and run away and leave her. Her plan failed. So she had no choice but to finally tell the truth. I wish just a tiny bit that May would have been more direct and just outright said everything to her face, but I also really liked the detail of her pulling the motorcycle keys out and just looking Ai straight in the eyes for that reveal. Very fun way to do that. The emotional breakdown afterwards was very raw and cathartic - May has already forgiven herself for what she did, but can Ai forgive her? And can Ai forgive herself? I love that we see those questions asked and answered explicitly because fuck yes, that guilt is exactly what's keeping this whole net of lies intact.

Now May and Aioon can meet for real, and start anew. And I'm very excited to see how they do it!

In the meantime, Oom - I owe you an apology. I said in the beginning of watching the show that you are the worse twin but I may have given you an unfair treatment. You are a bit of an ass, yeah, but you care. There's still 2 more episodes to go and the only mystery yet to be solved is the original question of "Who is behind Oom's accident?" so I know that the next two episodes will feature Oom heavily, and so my opinion is subject to change, but I'm once again in awe of how much this show let's its characters breathe and live, and I think I like Oom. In her own way, she's trying her best to do right by her grandma, her love, herself, and of course, her big sis.

[wikipediette]

emotional motion sickness

General g/n headcanons; mentions of abuse dynamics in relationships, talks of physical, emotional, and mental abuse, if these topics trigger you please dont read

so I'll start with the idea of being on earth with Jimmy, I'd like to imagine that curly set you two up, hoping that you'd rub off on him

Your first date you meet and you're charmed by him, he's a sarcastic, flirty, handsome man with a sense of humor (albeit a dry sense of humor)

people like Jimmy are VERY charming and can pretend to be a certain person to draw you in. Then slowly up the ante until you feel trapped

He starts off cute, comes a little late to dates, clothes wrinkled, flowers bent. But hes apologetic and you cant help but feel bad for him

As you get deeper into the relationship the faults start to show.

Maybe a year or so in he starts asking about friends. Nothing too dramatic just an occasional "who's that?"

And at first its cute! He's just worried and protective. But it slowly gets more and more controlling.

One of the first things an abuser will do is isolate you to make it hard to leave them. so he asks you to stop talking to a few people, coworkers or group project friends.

if you question it he will get very intense very fast and uestion why your so hesitant to cut them off.

"is there something your not telling me?" He asks, he had both arms caging you down onto your armchair, his body leaned down to look at you closely. "No!" You exclaim sitting up as best you can with him so close, "I just think it's weird you suddenly aren't ok with me and danny talking anymore!" He laughs but it holds no humor if the look on his face is anything to go by "I know you probably didn't notice but he's constantly flirting with you, he obviously wants to fuck you." you begin to mentally look over your conversations in your head, had he? Was there something you missed? Something misinterpreted? "Really?" You ask, doubting if you really should be talking to a man who liked you while in a relationship. "yes! that's why I don't want you talking to him, he's trying to take advantage of you." you sigh before nodding "yeah, sorry I... didn't even realize" "its fine" he says softly holding the back of your head to lead you into a kiss "I just want to keep you safe".

so you bite and agree, you slowly begin to cut less important people out. As you do he'll pavlov you, with each friend you pick off he'll love bomb you. kisses, hugs, gifts, sex, sweet talk, pet names, bragging about you. He'll play into whatever you want as long as you follow his rules.

When it comes to the biggest hitters like family, close circle friends, and best friends he'll wait a few years to cut them out

He'll plant ideas of a us vs them mentality.

they just want to break us apart.

they're jealous of us.

your too good for them.

they don't treat you right.

they're the abusers.

i'm the only one who REALLY loves you

and after so many years with him, despite your ups and downs you cant help but do what he says because you just don't see him as this horrible monster everyone's making him out to be.

you love him and he loves you!

people just don't understand your dynamic,

they don't know him like you do.

when it's bad its bad but when it's good its so damn good.

and his lonely act works well too, besides curly he doesn't really have any friends.

he has acquaintances and coworkers, but friends? no.

if you broke up with him he'd have no one. and you've been together so long it'd be such a jump. going from deep conversations and intense love to asking about a person's favorite color? fuck that.

when he has you were he wants you that's when all hell breaks loose.

you barely go anywhere and if you do he either needs your location the whole time (probably makes you get life360) or has to be with you, hand on hip, glaring at anyone who talks to you.

when you two get invited to parties he'll play nice (after all he is in public) and let you roam.

you'll talk to people you haven't in a bit while he drinks and talks to curly.

and its times like that that makes the worst moments feel worth it.

speaking of the worst moments.....he's a very jealous person, he constantly is worried if you're cheating on him.

he'll argue with you and wont relent till your crying and exhausted.

then once he thinks you've proved yourself he'll scoop you up and let you cry on his shoulder. murmuring that he loves you and he sorry.

he'll open up, say he knows there's something wrong with him, and he's sorry hes like this, that you deserve better and he's trying.

"I'm sorry" Jimmy softly says into your ear. cradling you like a baby in his arms. your arms are around his neck, your eyes burn with drying tears and sleep, your nose is stuffy, your throat is dry from yelling and sobbing for hours. the rocking isn't helping your sleepiness. "I'm sorry, I know there's something wrong with me. Please don't leave me"

trying to leave in these situations is probably the worst thing you could do

now I'm not under the impression that Jimmy would be overly physically abusive given that his character is all about the subtleties of abuse.

BUT! I do believe he'd restrain you, push you, grab you harder than needed, ect. If you tried to leave him while arguing.

He doesn't like you taking control of the situation and it gets him very mad, as a result he'll force you to stay where he wants.

But he doesn't explicitly hit you as that would leave marks

he wouldn't want you to be bruised because that would bring suspicion to the safety of your relationship.

And most of the relationships abuse is kept to a level that could pass as normal to others.

I think having a friend like curly in these moments that always tries to smooth things over without any bridge burning would definitely lead to him unintentionally gaslighting you about it.

side note: ok this is the first time I've really written in this format, made a romantic x reader, AND this is also my first time posting x reader onto Tumblr lol. apologies if this is ooc I never refreshed myself on Jimmy's character simply bc I don't have the time for that lol. this is also based off of my general knowledge of abusive relationships. if anyone wants more plz let me know i really wanted to try writing fanfiction seriously for a while now lmao, bye :)

[naughtyneganjdm]

Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 17

Summary: Negan gets a visit from Y/N after the fight he had with Joel and she has him make a very emotional promise to her. Joel opens up to his brother about something he kept locked away for many years.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, Tommy Miller, Lucille Smith, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/157173025 Warnings: Swearing, Severe Angst, Smut, talks about someone wanting to hurt themselves, a character has memories about what it felt to experience both abuse and homophobia from their parent, mental trauma from a character, etc.

Notes: This chapter I just edited and finished at 430 in the morning. I'm trying to keep up with schedules, but I know I'm falling behind and I'm doing my best! This chapter has someone talking about their past and the homophobia they had to face when they were younger. Especially in terms of their family. It is emotional and it could trigger some if they have ever been in this situation. I just want to put it out there.

Overwhelmed would be an understatement for Negan right now. After everything that happened today, it was really hard to focus on one thing. Dropping his head back against the couch, Negan reached up to cover his eyes releasing a stressed exhale. He was trying to focus on anything other than the throbbing that he was feeling in his knee right now. After all the injuries that Negan had experienced from playing baseball, he knew what it felt like when he was severely injured. This was not that kind of pain, but it certainly did fucking hurt. And it hurt bad. But it was the kind of ache that he would get when he overworked his knee. Not so much the pain of a horrible injury.

To help with the pain, there was a bag of ice wrapped around his knee while he was laid stretched out on the couch. Even with his eyes closed it felt like the room was spinning around him. It was probably from a mixture of the pain along with the adrenaline that was fueling through him. There was a dull ache in his fists along with his face since he had gotten into a fight with Joel even though he tried so very hard to not let it happen.

Disappointment was flooding through his veins as well. For so long he did pretty well with handling Joel, but tonight Joel went too far and made him snap. And that was bad because Y/N was right. Joel was drunk and he had no filtering system. Fighting with Joel while he was drunk made no sense, but once Joel started spouting off about Lucille, he couldn’t contain himself.

A faint knocking drew him to drag his palms down over his face. Turning his head toward the door, Negan sighed loudly when there was a second knock alerting him that he wasn’t making up the sound in his head. Lifting his head up from the couch, Negan wondered if his knee could make the trip to the door or if it was even worth it. Forcing himself up, he pushed up onto his hands and it probably took him way too long to get up from the couch. Setting down the bag of ice, he limped over toward the door and reached for the handle. Bracing most of his weight on his good leg, Negan felt his heart sink when he opened the door to see Y/N standing before him.

“What were you thinking running off on me?” she blurt out with Negan shamefully lowering his head to avoid looking at her. Clinging to the doorknob, Negan swallowed down hard and felt a chill running through his veins. “You were hurt. I don’t even know how you got home without getting in an accident and hurting yourself further.”

“I was ashamed and figured you wouldn’t want to be around me,” Negan confessed, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. There was a lot that was said today and thrown out on the table for her to deal with, so he didn’t even know where to start with things. “There was a lot thrown at you and…”

“Do you not want me here?” she interrupted Negan having his sad hazel eyes connecting with hers. Slouching, Negan bit down on his bottom lip and could see that she was worried about him. “I can leave if you don’t want me.”

“You know that I want you here,” Negan claimed, his long eyelashes fluttering. Nodding toward the inside of his rental home she waited for Negan to step aside and allow her into the house. Closing the door behind her, Negan rubbed at the back of his neck with the incredible amount of tension that was building up inside of him.

“Why would you think I wouldn’t want to be around you?” she wondered, noticing the bag of ice that was sitting on the couch. Turning on her heel, she looked to Negan expectantly wanting some kind of answer from him but he was at a loss of words.  

“There are plenty of reasons,” he stated, taking a few steps closer to her limping as he did it. “I should have never attacked Joel. I tried so hard to keep it together, but I didn’t. He was drunk and he didn’t have a filtering system. It was wrong for me to attack him. And Joel isn’t wrong Y/N. I’m a horrible person. I did terrible things…”

“I’m surprised you held it together as long as you did,” she suggested, stepping forward to reach for Negan’s hands. Holding them, she felt them trembling with her caressing over the backs of them with her thumbs. Right now the number one thing he was feeling was shocked. Especially since her caress was so kind and gentle. More than anything he thought she would be mad at him. “And I don’t care.”

“You don’t care?” he stammered, confusion flooding his features. He wasn’t too entirely sure what she was pertaining to when she said that.

“I don’t care what you used to be,” she whispered, closing the distance between the two of them. Palming in over the side of Negan’s face had him letting out a tremoring breath, his eyes coming to a slow close. Leaning into the warmth of her touch, Negan’s bottom lip was slightly trembling while she comforted him. “I don’t care what you used to be like. All I care about is who you are now. How you treat me, how you treat my children.”

“I’m not good enough for you. I know he’s right about that,” Negan confessed, his eyes still closed with him cuddling his face in against the warmth of her palm. “I realized too late the mistakes I was making in life. I should have been a good husband the whole time, but I let things get to me. I wasn’t a good man for a very long time.”

“I don’t doubt that you loved your wife. I see it in the way you talk about her,” she hushed him, lifting her other hand to cup his face in her hands tenderly. By the time he opened his eyes, she could see that tears were burning at them. “One thing you’ve never been able to do is lie to me Negan Smith. I can see right through you and when you talk about her, I see pure love. I can see the pain in your eyes when you talk about her. I know how you took off time from work to take care of her. You still wear your wedding rings on your body Negan. You fucked up, you did. But I don’t think for a second that you didn’t love her.”

A sob fell from Negan’s lips and she urged him to lower down so she could press a lingering kiss over his forehead, “I don’t doubt that by the end of her life, Lucille knew how sorry you were. She knew how much you loved her and how much she loved you.”

Leading him over toward the couch, she got him to sit down and then lowered in beside him. Sweeping her fingers over his jawline, she allowed him to rest his head against her shoulder. Brushing her fingers through Negan’s thick hair, she hushed him when he started to cry.

“It’s okay,” she comforted him, wrapping him up in her arms allowing him a moment to go through that pain that had been pent up inside of him for so long. “I know that you miss Lucille and I can’t imagine what it’s like losing someone you love that much the way that you did. But please. Promise me that no matter what happens in the future…don’t hurt yourself. Keep fighting for me…for Lucille…”

Lifting his head from her shoulder, Negan’s reddened over eyes looked miserable. Placing another kiss over his forehead, she let it linger before frowning, “I need you here. I want you in my life. So no matter what, if things ever get hard or you need to find strength, please call me. Talk to me. Open up to me. Because a universe without Negan Smith is not somewhere I want to be.”

“Yes ma’am,” Negan muttered with a firm nod, his chest aching with an incredible amount of guilt that he was feeling. Only a handful of people had known about him trying to kill himself in the past, but never having the strength to do it. Now Y/N and Joel were added to that list.

“Promise me,” she pled with him, her own eyes tearing over with the thought of what Negan admitted to both her and Joel. Hell, she knew Negan was depressed and upset about losing Lucille, but she never pictured that Negan was the kind of person that would try to kill himself. Especially since Negan seemed like the type to be high on life, never wanting to lose a moment. “Promise me that you will never try to kill yourself again. Because that would break me. It would break my heart forever and I would never forgive you for it. Because I love you. Do you understand me?”

Nodding his head, Negan had a hard time forming words, but she forced him to look at her and he released a broken breath.

“I promise,” Negan exhaled, his body trembling with her sweeping his tears away. With how emotional she was getting over all of this, it broke his heart to see. But with how emotional she was about it, he knew that she genuinely cared for him. “I know I shouldn’t be crying. I shouldn’t be having a breakdown…”

“I’d be worried about you if you weren’t,” she declared, sliding in closer to him to caress over the length of his back toward his shoulders. “You’re broken. You loved someone so deeply and you lost them. You have to talk about it. You have to feel…”

“Joel talks about how he missed out on so much, but he’s wrong. Stardom only made me worse,” Negan insisted, his fingers reaching up to curl around her wrist to caress over her pulse point with his thumb. “I would have given anything to have the life that he had with you and the children. We tried so hard to have children and we were always fighting about it. What he mentioned with me not being able to have children, it might be true. I might be broken completely…I was never brave enough to find out. She wanted me to, but…” 

“If you can’t, there is nothing wrong with that Negan,” she insisted with her eyebrows furrowing and her head shaking slowly. Even the idea that Negan could possibly not be capable of having children was tearing him apart. But it wasn’t something that she thought he should be focusing on since there was already so much on his mind about things. “That doesn’t make you broken. And for all you know there is nothing wrong with you. Lucille was sick. And you don’t know for how long. It could have been a combination of things.”

“You shouldn’t be being nice or empathetic to my situation,” Negan suggested with a firm shake of his head, his jaw flexing with discomfort. After what Joel broke to her, he figured that she would never want to speak or talk to him again. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Don’t you think you’ve punished yourself enough?” she inquired with Negan’s expression growing sadder. When something like suicide was a topic of discussion, it wasn’t something you should blow off and with how emotional Negan was, she was happy that she came to him tonight. “Lucille asked you to live life for her and you promised that you would. Do you think she wanted you to continue to hurt yourself over the things you did wrong?”

“No,” Negan answered honestly, his bottom lip trembling further while she stroked over his face. There were a lot of discussions that the two of them had about the subject. Lucille was always angry with him for being so emotional. Begging him to promise to continue on with his life. To make something with the time he had left. Because she couldn’t. So if someone could, she wanted Negan to. Especially since she loved him.

“Then don’t do it,” she was doing her best to pull him from what it was that actually broke Negan tonight. “Focus on the good times you had. The moments you got to share together before she passed away. Because those are the moments that mattered. I know it hurts. More than anything you want to hug her, touch her and tell her that you love her, but she hears you Negan. Talk to her. Because she is and will always be with you.”

Placing her hand in over the center of his chest had his cries growing harder. Shakily his hand covered hers and squeezed it tightly in his grasp, “It’s so hard because we can’t hold them anymore, but they never really leave us. They are always there. She’s part of you and she always will be.”

Slouching forward, Negan’s forehead rest against hers with her stroking over the back of his neck, over his scalp and through his hair in a soothing manner, “You see so much darkness in yourself Negan and I see so much potential. So much love.”

“You always saw the best in me when no one else did,” Negan reminded her, palming his hands up and over her arms. “I think the other people were right about me. You just saw hints of something that weren’t really there.”

“No, I don’t believe that,” she whispered, refusing to allow him to sink into the thought that he was a terrible person. “Yeah, you’re a smart ass and you probably deserve to get punched sometimes, but everyone does. I’ve seen the things you do for the people you care about. You have a big heart when you allow yourself to show it. I’ve seen it many times since you came back to town. It’s there. And it shines bright.”

“I don’t know what I would have done if we didn’t run into each other again,” Negan admitted, swallowing down, turning in to press a loving kiss against the center of her palm. “I love you, so fucking much.”

“And I love you,” she whispered, enjoying the warmth of him before her. It ate away at her hearing Negan break down like he had when they were all together. Those words continued to play in her head like a broken record. The idea of Negan killing himself was a horrible nightmare for her. One she never wanted to face. “I always have and I always will.”

“I’m so sorry I let what Joel did break us apart,” Negan stammered, his breathing uneven with her tenderly caressing at the side of his neck and over his face. “I knew you had a crush on him. I should have understood. I was just so young and selfish. “

“I think you’re defining me right now,” she rolled her eyes at the idea that he was the bad one in the situation. There were a lot of things that she could say about Negan, but in the past he was the biggest victim in this whole situation. “The only person that wasn’t in the wrong in that situation was you. I wish you would have told me what was going on with Joel, but…”

“But you loved him so much,” Negan spoke up before she could finish her sentence getting her to look at him fully. “If you thought there was any question about the purity of your relationship, I knew it would break your heart. That’s why I never told you. You would question everything. And you shouldn’t have. Because he looked at you with so much love whenever I saw the two of you after that night. It’s why I never did anything. It may have broken me, but it made two people that I cared about happy. Two people that deserved happiness very much. I don’t question that Joel loved you.”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” she admitted in terms of Joel and the things that he told her. “I feel like there is so much that I don’t know about Joel. Things that he was never honest with me about. Unlike you, I can’t tell when he’s being honest or lying to me.”

“I think Joel deserves the same opportunity that I do,” Negan explained with a loud swallow. Something in her eyes showed that she didn’t understand. “You forgave me for my past. You mention the man that I am now…Joel is right I was a worse husband than he ever was. I’m just innocent when it comes to you because I wasn’t the one that hurt you. If you can get over that part of me, you should realize that he can be different too.”

“The man devastates you and gets you angry enough to start a physical fight with him, yet you’re still defending him,” she noted, surprised that Negan would go to bat for Joel even after everything that happened. Then again, that was something that Negan seemed to be doing longer than she ever even realized.

“Because he’s broken,” Negan replied with a frown. Hearing that took her breath away. “He’s at the stage I was when I first lost Lucille. He’s hitting all the stages at once. Regret. Pain. Anger. Disbelief. Fury. Rage. They are eating away at him and he’s just lost it because he loves you, but he doesn’t know how to show it. I’m not lying to you when I tell you that I think Joel regrets everything that he did. I think if he could go back in time and stop it from happening, he would. I don’t want to lead you on and make you believe that he’s this terrible piece of shit. Because he’s not. He did shitty things, but I do fucking believe that he loves you. And that he’s a good man. Just a man that had a lot of bad shit happen in his life, so he’s bad with his feelings and his emotions.”

With a deep inhale, Negan looked down and shook his head, “I know you love him too. I can see it in the way that the two of you look at one another. And if you want to be with Joel, I don’t want to hold you back. I feel like you are experiencing guilt because you don’t want to let me down, but I love you. So fucking much that if Joel makes you happy, if Joel is where you feel whole—I love you enough to let you go.”

“I don’t want you to let me go,” she was quick to respond, hushing him when she brought him in closer to her. “I can’t lose you from my life again Negan. You have brought back a joy that I never thought would be there again. You awakened that thing inside of me that I thought was long gone. Whether we’re together or not, I need you.”

“And I need you,” Negan agreed with her nuzzling his nose in against hers in a tender moment. Cherishing the warmth of her near, Negan still felt an ache at the center of his chest. “But I don’t want Joel suffering either.”

“Nor do I,” she acknowledged knowing that there was so much love in her heart for her ex-husband still. That wasn’t something that she could hide. Joel still held part of her heart in his hand and that would never leave her. “But if making Joel feel better is kicking you out of my life, I can’t do that. I’m probably not a good person and I acknowledge that because I love the both of you. Very much.”

Meeting her stare, Negan exhaled loudly with her getting up from the couch. Turning when she applied pressure at his shoulders, Negan sat the right way on the couch. Sighing, he bit down on his bottom lip when she caressed in over the center of his chest to get him to relax. Lowering down to her knees before him, she started to caress over Negan’s hurt leg eliciting a pained sound to fall from him. Grabbing the bag of ice, she placed it over his knee with one hand while the other continued to caress over his thigh.

“I love Joel. Nothing will change that. I’m smart enough to admit that,” she confessed, her breathing growing louder with the way that Negan was looking at her behind heavy eyelids. “But I know how I feel about you. I love you so much. No one makes me feel the way that you do. Poor, happy, sad, rich…I don’t care. You mean so much to me and I can’t throw you out of my life.”

“Y/N,” he exhaled loudly with her getting up further on her knees. Setting the ice aside, she started to undo his belt. Unhooking it and pulling it apart had Negan’s breathing growing more uneven. With her fingers undoing his pants and opening them, Negan lowered his hands and grabbed her wrists to stop her. “Don’t.”

“It’s okay,” she hushed him, urging his hands onto the couch beside him. Tugging at the material of his pants, she pulled the dark slacks from his body. Setting them aside, she took her time to caress over his thighs. It had him inhaling sharply when she lowered down over his knees to sweep over them and down to his calves. Slightly turning toward his hurt leg, she started massaging at his flesh. When her fingers swept over the scars that were over his knee area, she lowered forward to press loving kisses over his flesh. “You are so beautiful. Inside and out.”

Caressing his fingers over the back of her neck, Negan grasped at her hair and let out a pleased sound with her touching him. For a while she gave his leg a massage, working to get him to relax with it aching. Truthfully? She was one of the only people that he would trust near his leg like that.

Placing a final kiss over his knee had chills running down his spine. Getting up carefully from the ground, she took her jacket off as she kicked out of her boots. There was something that he should have said, but he couldn’t form words when she took her time to pull her sweater from her body. Once she had the material at her side, she dropped it next to where she had set his pants down.

Adjusting his positioning on the couch, Negan’s lips parted and he was ready to tell her that she didn’t need to do this. But as she started to shimmy out of her pants, it had a lump growing at the center of his throat. Almost immediately, he became breathless. His heart hammered in his chest with her reaching around herself to unhook her bra allowing the material to fall. The first sight of her bare breasts had him nervously licking his lips. Even though they had been together many times at this point, she still took his breath away. When she pushed her fingers into her panties to get them down her legs, he could feel his heart skip a beat.

Carefully lowering down to her knees over him had his hands settling in over her hips with his rough fingertips caressing over her flesh. Staring up at her in awe, Negan wondered if he truly deserved her at all.

“I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you,” she apologized bringing their lips together in a passionate, unhurried sweep. Caressing at the back of her thighs, Negan kissed her back. Chills were running up and down his spine.

“No, don’t,” Negan silenced her, his eyelids heavy with desire for the woman before him. “If anything, I should be the one that is sorry. Joel was right. I should have never abandoned you and your family. I should have been here all along helping you. I loved you so much and I let something like that ruin our relationship that we had our whole life.”

“This is one time you can’t take credit,” she whispered, sliding further in over his lap having Negan tip his head back to keep his eyes hooked with hers. “I let my crush on Joel persuade me to be a certain way and I wasn’t thinking.”

“You really do deserve better than me,” Negan admitted with a frown, his rough palms caressing up over her back toward her shoulders. “I’m a broken mess and I don’t deserve the love and support that you give me.”

“I think we’re all a little broken,” she thought aloud, her fingers caressing at Negan’s scalp with her left arm hooking loosely around Negan’s shoulders. “But there is no one that makes me feel better than you do. I think you realize the person you were and you’re trying your best to make things better. For everyone.”

“I think I’m fucking up Joel,” Negan countered with a firm shake of his head, letting out a sigh. Watching her hands palm down in over the center of his chest toward his abdomen, Negan bit down on his bottom lip when she reached the bottom of the black henley that he was wearing. Raising his arms, Negan allowed her to tug the material up his body and drop it on the floor with the rest of their clothing.

“You’ve been trying to help Joel,” she corrected him with a shake of her head, her fingers teasing through the dark curls of hair over Negan’s torso. “I see it. What you did at that bar, the way you handle him. I think you’ve done a really good job.”

“We fought tonight,” he reminded her, exhaling loudly with the way her lips hovered over his. “I could have done better.”

“Joel isn’t used to my heart not belonging one hundred percent to him,” she recognized, sliding her hands up over the sides of Negan’s neck toward his face to cup it lovingly in her palms. “You were the one that kept trying to keep the truth from me. You don’t have any ulterior motives. You care about me. You care about him. You treat our children good. I like the man that you became. I like the man that you are with me.”

“I want to be the best version of myself for you,” Negan announced, his voice growing raspier when he felt her reach for the material of his black boxer briefs. Lifting his hips up, he helped her work the material down his body. Wiggling his legs, he grunted with her pushing firmly at the material working to get it to his knees. Lowering back onto the couch, Negan kicked at the material getting it to his ankles. Allowing her back in over him, he cherished the warmth of her body wrapping him up in her arms. Nuzzling his nose at the side of her neck, Negan’s hand caressed over the lengths of her back with her peppering kisses at his freckle covered shoulders.

“You are,” she assured him, pressing a faint kiss over his ear having him suck in a sharp breath. “I have no doubts when I’m with you. I know how I feel when we’re together.”

Grabbing a hold of his right arm, she led his hand toward the center of her chest allowing him to place it over her heart. Stroking her fingers at the back of his hand, she could tell just by the way that he looked at her that everything he felt was pure.

“You make me happy. I haven’t been happy in a very long time,” she told him the truth, loving the way that his eyes stared out at her. Lifting his hand up, she pressed a loving kiss over the center of it. “When I’m with you, I feel a warmth…love…”

“But I’m putting you in a hard place because I know you love Joel,” Negan commented, his other hand reaching up to trace over her features. “If I wasn’t here to mess things up, you could have everything you wanted with Joel.”

“I’m not sure Joel would be acting the way that he is if you weren’t here,” she sighed loudly, stroking her fingers through Negan’s short beard that covered his face. “You weren’t here for four years with us being divorced. So in a way, I guess you bring out both the best and the worst of Joel. I could whine that I’m in a horrible position, but I have two men that I love very much in my life right now. People can only hope to have one.”

“But what if you decide that you want to be with the other man?” Negan inquired, sucking in a sharp breath when she dropped one of her hands to curl her fingers loosely around his manhood. Tracing over his shaft had Negan’s neck flexing with his lips parting. Fluttering his eyelashes, Negan kept his eyes hooked with hers while she caressed over his length.

“Who am I with right now?” she questioned, her lips hovering in over his. Breathing both loud and uneven, Negan pressed in closer to kiss her but she kept him from kissing her. Smirking, her eyebrow arched and she was waiting for an answer. “Where am I?”

“With me,” Negan responded, dragging his bottom lip in over hers humming out with the sensations she was drawing out from inside of him.

“I could have been with either one of you right now, and you’re the one I chose to come to,” she pointed out, lifting her hips enough to lead his body toward hers. There was something in the way that his eyes hooked with hers that took her breath away. Accepting him into her body, she carefully lowered herself over him moaning with him in unison. Getting comfortable, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders pressing their bodies closer together.

“What if Joel forces you to choose?” Negan stammered, his lips hovering just over hers. Tensing up beneath her, Negan found his body easily reacting to the warmth of her surrounding him without them moving.

“Let’s not worry about that right now,” she whispered, caressing her fingers through his hair at the back of his neck. Having him fully inside of her stagnant ached, but she liked the way that it felt. “I just want to spend my time with you. Be with you. We missed out on so much time together. I don’t want to miss a moment of it.”

“I question if Joel was right,” Negan winced when she lazily rolled her hips upward, taking her time in bringing them back down over him. Every movement was slow, drawn out, and was focusing on their connection. “Maybe the only way for us to truly be happy was to separate us during those years. We would have been hurting both Joel and Lucille. There is something between the two of us that is so strong. I don’t doubt that the two of us would have done something that we regretted if we were still around one another.”

Resting her forehead against his, she cried out at the way that Negan touched her while she moved over him. So much focus and care went into the way that he was with her, “Maybe that makes us bad people.”

“Joel can say whatever he wants to defend his thought process, but that’s not how things worked themselves out,” she silenced Negan, finally bringing their lips together to give him a passionate kiss that had him cupping her face in his hands. Moving ever so slightly back had their lips still brushing against each other’s while she spoke. “So we can talk about the maybes all day long, but that’s not how things were. So we’re not bad people for loving one another.”

“Now that I have you in my life, I can’t lose you,” Negan asserted, his palm sliding up over the center of her chest toward her neck. Curling his fingers around the side of her neck, his thumb traced over her jawline until hovering over her bottom lip. It had her kissing at his flesh and he smiled. “You mean more to me than you will ever know.”

“I feel the same way about you,” she promised, cuddling her head into his touch starting to rock her hips a little harder over his. Their breathing matched each other’s, growing louder with her movements. “I never want you to doubt the man that you are. I think Lucille would be proud of the man that you are now.”

“She’d kill me if she saw what I was doing right now,” he snickered, lifting enough to pepper kisses over her jawline. “I feel like she’d rather me be pining over her still, not falling head over heels in love with someone else.”

“I think you’re doing both,” she whimpered, her hips rolling firmer over his length having Negan moan out. Keeping them close had the warmth of his breath twisting with hers. This moment wasn’t about sex. It was about connecting. Showing how much they cared for each other.

Firmly wrapping his arm around her waist, Negan rolled her onto her back on the couch. Yelping out, her back arched and it was followed by a laugh with the confused expression that Negan was giving her, “The ice! The ice! It’s cold.”

“Oh,” Negan snorted, reaching behind her to dig out the bag of ice that was there. They both were laughing with Negan dropping his head against her chest. Setting the ice on the ground, he felt her kissing at the top of his head and he sighed loudly.

“A bag of ice up my ass sure did add a new sensation,” she teased him, tugging at his hair enough to bring his lips back to hers so they could kiss. Adjusting his body enough, he made sure to take the pressure off his hurt knee before he started to roll his hips up against hers. Locking his eyes with hers, Negan didn’t want to let go of this moment.

“Promise me that we will have each other for the rest of our lives,” Negan begged of her, his fingertips tracing over her jawline. Their bodies moved together in unison with her bouncing up with every thrust. “In whatever way possible.”

“You don’t have to beg me to promise,” she assured him, peppering kisses over his lips with him pausing his movements over her to give her his full attention. “We both know what it’s like not having each other in our lives. It hurts too much. We’ll always have each other from here on out.”

That was all he needed to hear. Now that he knew what it was like to be happy again and to feel loved after being lonely for two years, Negan knew that he couldn’t lose this.

Their love making session was slow, drawn out and by the time they were done, they were laid stretched out together on the couch. Her thigh was wrapped around his waist, her head resting on his chest with her drawing shapes over his abdomen.

“You don’t think I’m trying to steal Joel’s life, do you?” Negan still found himself considering the things that Joel had lashed out at him for today.

“Negan,” she frowned, her fingertips tracing over the tattoo that was over his pectoral muscle. “Don’t let that eat away at you. Joel is just jealous because people really like you. And it’s hard for him to get people to like him. The children still very much love their dad. They have just happily accepted you into their lives too.”

“I just don’t want…” Negan started only to yelp when he felt the sensation of something cold over his nipple. Arching his back up, he lifted his head to see that she had grabbed one of the ice cubes that was mostly melted from the bag that he set aside earlier. “Jesus!”

“It was the quickest way to get your mind focused on something else,” she was highly amused with herself, replacing the cold sensation with warmth by kissing over his nipple. Circling her tongue over his nipple, she snickered against his flesh with him moaning out. Running a line over the center of Negan’s abdomen down toward his belly button had him sucking in a sharp breath. Looking up at him, she shook her head and bit down on her bottom lip. “Joel was drunk. The worst thoughts that Joel has come out of his mouth when he’s drunk. I think you’re right about what you said with Joel. He’s having a hard time coming to terms with what happened between you and him. His brain is hooked on me, but his body wants both you and me.”

“I think he’s worried about what people will think about him if they find out we…” Negan considered the words that he should be using to describe what he did with Joel. “Fucked?”

“Joel hasn’t been comfortable with himself since he was eighteen years old,” she alerted Negan with a long sigh, dropping the ice cube back on top of the bag she pulled it out of. “Give it time. Everything will work itself out. I promise you that.”

“I should be the one promising you that,” Negan noted, his fingertips tracing over her back doing his best to comfort her. “You’re the one being placed in the middle of me and Joel…”

“Poor me. Stuck between two incredibly good-looking men who both love me,” she caused Negan to snort and laugh with her bluntness. “I’m more worried about you and Joel. Allow me that. Because I’m fine. I’ll be fine and I don’t doubt that. Right now, I’m in the arms of the man that I want to be with and I’m perfectly happy with that.” 

----

“You can stop babysitting me,” Joel glanced over at Tommy who was falling asleep at the other end of the couch. After they came home, Peter went to bed almost immediately because he was exhausted. Elizabeth and Tommy stayed up with Joel, both of them visibly worried about him. Pretty quickly Elizabeth had picked up on the fact that Joel had gotten into a fight but he refused to tell her with who. That wasn’t something he was about to bring his daughter into. So instead she stayed up with both him and Tommy for as long as she could. And when she started falling asleep, Joel carried her upstairs to bed. Tommy made him promise to come back downstairs, but Joel didn’t get it. It had been hours since he put Elizabeth to bed, yet Tommy was still holding true to staying with Joel. There was a bag of ice that Joel had placed on his knuckles on his right hand and with his left hand he was holding ice to his nose. In the few good hits that Negan had got on Joel, he had managed to hit Joel in the nose and there was a cut over the bridge of it. “I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

“I don’t know,” Tommy’s eyes grew wide with him trying to wake himself up. Sliding into a better position to focus on the screen, Tommy was still wary about leaving Joel alone. “I don’t trust you alone with yourself right now.”

“You really think I would kill myself and let my children have to deal with that for the rest of their lives?” Joel snapped getting a certain look from Tommy that told him he did think that Joel was capable of hurting himself. “I might be selfish in your opinion, but I’d never do that to Ellie and Peter.”

“I’ve heard the way you talk when you’re upset,” Tommy reminded Joel, turning on the couch to face Joel to give him his full attention. This was why Tommy wouldn’t leave his side. He was worried that Joel would hurt himself. “You’ve threatened it before. Not so long ago either.”

“I wouldn’t do it,” Joel stressed, throwing his hand that was holding the icepack to his nose up in the air to silence Tommy from even talking about it any further. “It was a stupid thing to say and I should have never said it.”

“People don’t always make the best decisions when they are drunk. Emotions get high, their feelings get enhanced and they do…stupid things,” Tommy waved his hand about in the air suggesting that Joel was a perfect example for that. “I don’t think you would have done a lot of things that you did tonight if you were sober.”

“Noted,” Joel scoffed, lowering down on the couch, spreading his thighs further apart so he could get comfortable.

“I’m not trying to be rude Joel, but you say one thing and then you act another,” Tommy recognized how things were with his older brother right now. It was confusing trying to understand what Joel was doing with his life. “Here we are talking about Y/N and how you don’t want to upset her. How you want her happy. Then you are running off on her and attacking her boyfriend.”

“It’s complicated,” Joel suggested with a frown, dropping his head back against the couch out of frustration. What happened tonight was not something that he wanted to explain to people or even go into detail with. Tommy was trying, but Joel was attempting to keep things locked up.

“Everything is complicated with you,” Tommy blurt out with a frown, stroking his fingers through his long hair. “I love you big brother, but you’re emotional because you are jealous.”

Most days, Joel would have fought back. Swore he wasn’t jealous, but deep down? He knew that he was. And there was a strong sense of confusion that filled his veins too.

“Jealousy, anger, alcohol…” Tommy listed off the things he knew were going on with Joel right now, “they make you do stupid things.”

“I get it, I’m stupid,” Joel grumbled under his breath, rolling his eyes back to a close. That was a word that Tommy had focused on pretty heavily at this point. “You don’t have to keep reminding me of it.”

“I know it’s hard to hear considering,” Tommy reasoned with Joel knowing that he had offended his brother with that word. There were just a lot of decisions that Joel was making lately that Tommy didn’t agree with or understand. “Can I ask you something?”

“If I said no, it wouldn’t stop you,” Joel pointed out, his head dropping to the side with his eyes slowly opening. “So why bother asking?”

“I’m trying to be polite,” Tommy said with a tip of his head, his dark eyes gazing over his brother. “If you really do feel the way you say you do about Y/N then why does the idea of being together with all three of you bother you so much?”

“Really?” Joel grunted eliciting a dramatic shrug from Tommy. By the expression on Tommy’s face, he was genuinely curious. “Would you be okay if Maria told you that she was in love with another man and she wanted to be with him, but also be with you on the side?”

“If I was desperate enough and that was the only option, I’d take it,” Tommy surprised Joel with his answer. It didn’t seem to bother Tommy that much. “I love Maria. I know it was fast, I know that you would disapprove, but I love her a lot. So if that was the only way to have her in my life, I would deal.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Joel commented, his brown eyes unsure of the way that Tommy responded to his question.

“Beggers can’t be choosers Joel. You’re lucky enough that she still loves you,” Tommy snorted, his hands rubbing out over his own thighs in a stressed manner. Out of the corner of his eye, he could tell that Joel was glaring at him, but he didn’t care. “The things you did to her? Most people don’t come back from that. And you only recently broke up with Tess. Yet, you are expecting her to give up the one person who makes her feel good about herself to give you another chance? After how many? You’re lucky that she wants to be with you in any way.”

“Thanks for the support little brother,” Joel snarled, his eyes rolling when he dropped his head back against the couch in frustration again.

“I’m just pointing out the obvious,” Tommy defended himself with a yawn. Right now he was fighting falling asleep off, but it was hard. “If you love her, I think you’d want her to be the happiest version of herself. Right? So if she’s the happiest with both of you…?”

“What would people think?” Joel stressed, his nose wrinkling and that sent a rush of pain up to his forehead. Cussing out, he lifted the ice pack back to his nose to place it where it hurt the most. That was a thought he had been worried about from the start. What the world would think about the three of them being together in some kind of relationship.

“When have you ever cared what people thought?” Tommy was confused by the comment considering Joel always hated people as it was. There was never a moment where Tommy even thought for a second that Joel would care about what others thought about him. “You’ve never been the type to care what people thought of you. They told you that you were too young to be my primary caregiver, but you did it anyways. When people told you that Y/N’s parents were right, the two of you should get an abortion, you told them to fuck off.”

Going to say something, Joel scoffed when he realized that his brother was right, “And if people said things, do you really think it would be out of judgement or jealousy? Most people would love to be in a poly relationship with two people. Especially someone like Negan. Most straight men would happily bend over for Negan.”

Glaring over at Tommy had Tommy shrugging dramatically and making an awkward expression, “I’m just saying Joel, they would. They would brag about it too. So I don’t think you have anything to worry about. People might judge, but they would secretly be thinking how fucking lucky you were.”

“What makes you think I bent over for Negan?” Joel questioned with venom in his tone and it had Tommy’s face twisting with an array of emotions. Of all the things, that was what Joel was focused on and it seemed to put Tommy in a hard place.

An uncomfortable smile donned Tommy’s face and threw his hands up in the air once more, “Originally? I didn’t think you did, but your response to it tells me otherwise.”

A rush of warmth flooded into Joel’s face. Biting down on his lip, Joel kept himself from saying what he really wanted to, forcing himself to look away from Tommy. It embarrassed him to know that Tommy knew what had happened between him and Negan. That wasn’t something he wanted people to know.

“I didn’t think it was that kind of threesome, but I support it,” Tommy threw it out there, taking a moment to consider his next thought. “I’m not gonna judge you for being in a relationship with two people that might make you happy. You haven’t been happy in a long time Joel. If another man makes you happy? And if you sleep with him like that? I support it. Because I know you love Y/N. And something tells me that you like Negan more than you give up too. And if people give you shit for it? I’ll break their face.”

Again, Joel was quiet. It was hard being open with Tommy over…this. That was everything that someone in his position would want to hear from someone they loved. He just didn’t know if he wanted his little brother looking at him like that.

“So…” Tommy finally broke the moment of silence that surrounded them. Clearing his throat, Tommy adjusted his body on the couch and looked to Joel. “How was it?”

“How was what?” Joel scoffed, the line at the bridge of his nose growing deeper.

“Y’know,” Tommy nodded his head about trying to hint to Joel what he was talking about. When Joel realized that he was asking about the sex between him and Negan, Joel scowled and forced himself to look away from Tommy..

“I’m not doing this,” Joel was quick to respond and it had Tommy snickering. Warmth flooded into Joel’s face with his brother now asking him details about the sex that happened with Negan. “It’s not funny Tommy.”

“I don’t think it’s funny,” Tommy swore, placing his hand in over the center of his chest. “I guarantee every man in this town would be jealous. All the women too.”

“So you’d sleep with Negan?” Joel retorted having Tommy groan in disgust. Tommy shook his head and it made Joel angrier. “See, you’re a liar.”

“He’s like my brother you moron,” Tommy realized they were talking too loudly and he lowered his voice. “You, Y/N and Negan were my family growing up. People told me all the time that I should have stolen Y/N out from under you when you got divorced, but I can’t look at her like that. She adopted me Joel. You and her are the closest things I have to parents. And Negan was always like a big brother. So no, I couldn’t sleep with Negan because that would be like sleeping with you.”

Growling out, Joel set aside the ice pack and dropped his head forward into his hands, “Stop overthinking things Joel. You’re sabotaging yourself and your own happiness because you’re suddenly worrying about what other people might think of you?”

“Tommy…” Joel’s voice sounded irritated with it vibrating against his hands.

“Look at me,” Tommy called out to Joel, reaching out to shove at Joel’s shoulder when he didn’t. Another shove had Joel lifting his head in anger. “Do you love Y/N?”

“Yes,” Joel was quick to answer.

“Really love her? Or are you only feeling these things because of Negan?” Tommy brought up the thing that so many others had already done.

“Really love her,” Joel was disgusted that his own brother would question his motives. “I made a mistake when I divorced her Tommy. Why do you think Tess left me?”

“I thought that was a mutual thing,” Tommy commented, his brown eyes confused with his brother’s response about his ex-girlfriend. “You said that she wanted more from you than you were willing to give.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Joel scoffed, pointing toward Tommy who tipped his head to the side like a confused puppy dog. “Toward the end of my marriage with Y/N, I wasn’t very affectionate. It was something that always upset her. She wanted to cuddle. She wanted to hear how much I loved her. Instead I slept on the edge of the bed, the opposite side away from her, I wasn’t touchy feely…”

“Right…” Tommy was waiting for the explanation with Joel rambling.

“I couldn’t be loving and emotional, when I wasn’t that way with Y/N,” Joel expressed how he felt, remembering what he was feeling when he was dating someone else. “And I guess I was always comparing her to Y/N. Using our relationship as an example of how things should be. I liked Tess, but I never loved Tess. She put up with it for as long as she could, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted in a relationship because I was always so hooked on Y/N.”

“Then why did you leave her?” Tommy stressed the question that was always on everyone’s mind. Why would he be stupid enough to leave Y/N when he was still so visibly in love with her?

“I don’t know,” Joel had no really good answer for that. And that infuriated Tommy with his response. “I don’t know Tommy! I could blame my mental health. It was poor. And I think that’s really what it was, but it was still me making a really stupid fucking decision little brother. And I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea in the first place because it never was.”

Tommy was considering everything that Joel was saying, but he was quiet because it was obvious this whole thing was complicated like it had been stressed many times before, “I guess my brain thought I needed time to discover that she was what I wanted all along.”

“Well your brain took its sweet ass time,” Tommy replied back with a disgusted breath at his brother’s confession. Joel didn’t disagree with him. Especially now that they were in such a strange position that had Joel questioning everything. “How many women did you sleep with after you got divorced?”

That was not something that Joel expected Tommy to ask of him. And when he did? Joel got angry. That wasn’t even something that he thought they should be talking about.

“Don’t make me answer that,” Joel begged of his brother, rolling his eyes that Tommy would even go there.

“How many other women have you slept with other than Y/N?” Tommy continued to push having Joel’s jaw flexing. Here he was going to be stubborn and not answer his brother. “Is it so many that you don’t know or are you afraid that I will tell her? Because I’m your fucking brother and you should be able to tell me these things. We should be able to talk to each other about this stuff.”

“There are two answers to your question,” Joel resented the fact that Tommy was going to this. Especially since he didn’t know what it had to do with what they were talking about in the first place. “I slept with a few people before I ever got with Y/N. You know that she wasn’t my first, right? I was her first, but with me...a lot of girls wanted to hook up with me when I was younger.”

“I assumed that. You were popular, girls were falling at your feet,” Tommy recalled what it was like when Joel was in high school. “And it’s not like I couldn’t hear shit because my room was right next to yours. So while mom and dad were sleeping, I knew that you were sneaking people into your room.”

“Yeah, well your dad wouldn’t have had as much of a problem with it as you might think,” Joel swallowed down hard, his eyes gazing over at Tommy from where he was seated on the couch. It was hard to admit this to his brother when he let out a tremoring breath. “Our father is the one that got me the condoms. And he sure as hell didn’t have a problem with me sleeping around. In fact, he urged me to do it.”

“What?” Tommy snapped at Joel realizing that this was headed in a direction that he wasn’t expecting. “Joel, why would dad do that? You know that he just about ripped my head off when he found that magazine I was keeping in my room.”

“Because…” Joel paused, biting down on his bottom lip and looking toward the stairs. “Do you promise not to look at me differently if I tell you something?”

“What?” Tommy scoffed, sitting forward on the couch when he gazed over Joel. “Did you kill someone or something? Because I always thought you had it in you to do it.”

“Tommy, shut up,” Joel couldn’t help but laugh that his brother was being so ridiculous in the moment. “Please just give me a moment to say this, okay? I reckon you’ll never look at me the same again after I tell you. Because I…I hate myself for it too.”

“Okay?” Tommy didn’t know how to respond, he just listened and kept quiet like Joel asked him too.

“When I was younger, I thought I was hot shit. People really liked me. And girls were throwing themselves at me. The first time I had sex, it was awful. I mean, terrible,” Joel stressed, biting down on his bottom lip and he hit his knee. “I didn’t know if it was me or the girl because I really didn’t like her that much. I just did it because I’m a guy. There were a lot of hot girls that wanted to sleep with me and I didn’t turn them down. Some experiences were better than others. But? I uh…there was always one person I really liked.”

“Y/N?” Tommy spoke up, his head shaking about with Joel sucking in a sharp breath of air. Joel’s eyes grew damp when he looked to Tommy with a shake of his head.

“I didn’t start having feelings for her until this one day I was in class, but let me get to something else first,” Joel hushed his brother, lifting his hand up to silence Tommy so that way he couldn’t stop himself from continuing his story. “Tommy, I always liked Negan. And not just in the way that you like a friend. I crushed on girls that were like in the magazines and what not, but when I was around Negan? I just kinda felt things that I knew I shouldn’t be feeling. He’d come over to hang out and we’d watch things that we shouldn’t have been watching when no one was home. And at first, we’d just do things to ourselves. I just thought it was something that guys did together. But throughout time, we started touching each other. And this one time, dad came home early for something. He walked in on me and Negan doing that together and he…he beat the shit outta me Tommy. Calling me a fa…you know. He was so ashamed of me.”

“How did I not know about this?” Tommy asked, clearly horrified from what he was learning about the past.

“No one knew. The only people that knew were me and him. Not even mom knew. He called me that word, threw Negan out of the house and then he kicked my ass. Wanted to beat it outta me. Told me he wasn’t going to have a queer living in his house. Said I had to get my shit together because if he found me doing that again he would throw me out and take everything away from me,” Joel informed his brother, his voice breaking when he forced himself to look away from Tommy. “We came up with some stupid story about me being attacked by another kid from an opposing school so he didn’t get in trouble. The only reason Negan found out about it is because he was there when dad showed up. When I came to school looking like I did? He immediately knew. So now the only people in the world that ever knew were me, Negan, dad and you. It’s not that I was gay, I had feelings for other women throughout my life, I just…I really liked Negan. I think I knew pretty young that I had feelings for both men and women. Or Negan and women. I don’t know. Because there isn’t another guy that I’ve felt like that toward, but I don’t know if that’s because it’s how it is or because our dad beat it out of me.”

“You should have told me,” Tommy looked upset to hear that Joel went through that and Joel shrugged his shoulders. Joel was emotional about the past and it was devastating Tommy to think that Joel went through that alone. “I remember how upset mom was about the way you looked. Wanting to call the police, but dad wouldn’t let her.”

“Because he was the one that did it,” Joel released something that sounded like a whimper even though he didn’t want it to be like that. “That’s how I knew that Y/N was the love of my life. Because when I kissed her? When I slept with her. I felt something for her that I had never felt for anyone. Not even Negan. I slept with a handful of people to try to prove I wasn’t what dad thought I was, but it wasn’t until her where everything in the world felt right.”

Pausing to think about everything, Joel nervously rubbed at the back of his neck and shrugged, “You know when I was dating Tess, that I cheated on her with Y/N, right?” Joel brought up what was true to his little brother, catching the way that Tommy’s eyebrows bounced up. “We never stopped sleeping with each other Tommy. We may have been divorced, but we were never apart more than a month or two. So I didn’t completely just give up on her those four years.”

“I don’t know if that makes things worse or better Joel,” Tommy was honest with Joel about how he felt with things toward the whole Tess and Y/N situation. “She probably thought the whole time it was a sign that you still wanted to be with her, but then you never did come back. No wonder she thinks it’s because of Negan that you want to be with her.”

“I had problems,” Joel defended himself, his hand raising to place over the center of his chest. “You know just as well as me Tommy that we’re soulmates.”

“But I think Negan is her soulmate too,” Tommy was honest with Joel and for the first time he actually saw disappointment in Joel’s eyes. “Is that so wrong? Maybe…just maybe he’s your soulmate too.”

“I’m nothing compared to him,” Joel declared, his head lowering with his confession. “I have no chance if that’s really the case.”

“Yet, they both have been more than willing to include you in things,” Tommy reminded Joel, sliding in closer to his brother to give him a firm nudge. “Maybe start thinking about the positives in things. You can be alone, or you can have something which is better than nothing. And with what you just told me…? I think that’s more than enough reason to prove that this whole poly relationship thing is a great idea. After what you went through? Dad isn’t here anymore. I am. And I support you. I support you loving both of them.”

“But what about the children?” Joel’s breathing was broken and it had Tommy sucking in a sharp breath of air, his finger shakily pushing into his dark hair.

“I don’t think they’d care. They love all three of you. I think they’d be okay with it. As long as you don’t act like it’s a weird thing, I think they would accept you as you are,” Tommy stressed to his brother what he believed was true and honest. “They are good kids Joel. You raised them to be accepting of people. You never taught them to be any other way. It’d be a lot easier having the three of you together than having you separated. Let them show you that Joel.”  

“She learned the truth Tommy with what I had done,” Joel admitted to his little brother, turning to look at him with a saddened expression. “Why Negan really stopped interacting with me and her. What I did to Negan. Why I really slept with her the first time.”

“Does that matter anymore?” Tommy responded in a way that wasn’t what Joel was expecting. “Yeah, you got with her to be a douchebag, but you fell in love with her. The two of you were together sixteen years before you got divorced. Your feelings weren’t fake those sixteen years. I think she knows better than to assume that it was all just to fuck with Negan. Negan left when you were eighteen. You could have dropped it, but you didn’t because you love her.”

“I have fucked things up so much little brother,” Joel realized, dragging his hands down over the sides of his face. “I don’t even know how to fix things.”

“Try,” Tommy said one word, but the emphasis on it obviously meant something to Tommy. “Just try. That’s all that matters. Trying.”

Giving a nod, Joel didn’t know how he would even approach trying, but it wasn’t bad advice. Standing up from the couch, Joel went into the kitchen to put back the ice packs and returned to step before Tommy, “I’m going to go up to my room. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Are you sure?” Tommy blurt out getting Joel to look back at him over his shoulder. “I don’t want to wake up to something bad Joel.”

“I promise, I’m just going to my room to rest,” Joel swore, giving Tommy a firm nod moving toward the stairs until Tommy called out to him.

“You could have told me Joel because I would have loved you no matter what,” Tommy promised Joel, swallowing down the lump in his throat that wouldn’t go away after Joel explained to him what happened with their father. “Unlike dad, I think you have the right to be happy. And you are always gonna be my hero big brother. You were more my father than he ever was. You weren’t broken because you were attracted to both Negan and Y/N. And I look up to you even more now cus’ you were able to tell me. I love you Joel. I’m sorry you had to go through all that alone.”

Moving to the stairs, Tommy could hear the sounds of Joel’s breathing. It was broken and he was upset, turning Joel to face him, Tommy wrapped his brother up in his arms and gave him a strong, lingering hug that had Joel finally returning the hug after a few minutes.

“I think a lot of what you are going through is dad’s fault,” Tommy whispered, patting Joel at the center of the back. “You were never allowed to be you. But stop letting dad be your inside voice Joel. You’re good enough. Stop forcing yourself to be miserable. You deserve to be happy. And this is your chance.”

Swallowing down hard, Joel pulled back and away from Tommy. Patting the side of Joel’s face, Tommy gave his brother a reassuring nod, staying at the bottom of the steps when Joel started to head up toward his bedroom.

Once inside of his room, Joel kicked the door shut with the heel of his foot. A tremoring breath escaped Joel’s throat with him bringing his hands up to his face to cover it. For so long Joel had held that in and to finally tell someone had him shaking. Talking about his past had him feeling things and feeling them very strongly.

Looking to his laptop, Joel saw that it was opened and he bit down firmly on his bottom lip. This whole thing had Joel thinking about what he had done tonight to both Negan and Y/N. And then Lucille popped into his mind. Never had he really been open with anyone about the secret friendship that he had with Negan’s wife. They used to talk all the time, but when Joel separated from Y/N, they really didn’t talk as much as they used to.

Logging into his e-mail, Joel typed her name into the search bar bringing up all their messages that they shared together. Often back then they would send each other messages, videos, voice recordings and he had all of them saved.

It had been so long since he really thought about Lucille. After divorcing Y/N he got distracted. Noticing how many unread e-mails he had from her truly made him realize that. Guilt started to build up inside of him considering how quickly he abandoned that relationship once he was no longer with Y/N.

Opening a few of the messages, Joel realized most of them were just her writing him to ask how he was doing. But the final one? It was a video that he never even bothered to look at. Swallowing down hard, he opened the message and waited for the video to download. Shifting in his seat, Joel rest his elbows on the desk and bit down on his bottom lip when it started to play.

“Hey there stranger,” Lucille’s weak voice drew a labored breath from his lips. In the video she was wearing a purple wig that was shoulder length instead of having her naturally blonde hair. Leaning further back in the chair, Joel bit down on his bottom lip. It was obvious by the way her eyes looked that she was tired and weak. There was always a glow and an energy to Lucille when they spoke, but that wasn’t there. “It’s been a long time since we’ve talked and I thought I would send you this. What do you think about the area back here?”

Moving out of the way of the camera, she focused on the room that she seemed to be in, “Negan insisted that we have our own little space so we can spend all of our time together.”

Sliding back into the frame, Lucille gave what looked like to be a happy smile causing an ache at Joel’s chest, “I think he knows I don’t have much time left. He’s having a hard time with it. I’ve pretty much accepted it at this point. I’m ready. I’m too tired to fight.”

A broken breath fell from Joel’s throat, an overwhelming overflow of guilt eating away at him that he never seen this or even responded to her. And he knew that she had been dead for years now. They were friends and he did the one thing that he accused Negan of doing with Y/N and him. Abandoned her.

“We have our own little couple cave here. It’s the most doting he’s ever been. I made him go out to get me ice cream while I made this video for you. He never wants to leave my side anymore. I had to beg him to do it,” Lucille stated with another long sigh, her head shaking as she spoke. “I’m worried about him. He’s not sleeping. I think he’s scared that if he sleeps, I’m going to die and he won’t be with me.”

There were tears burning at Lucille’s eyes as she spoke, “I’m just worried about him in general. He’s not strong enough for this. I don’t know what he’s going to do when I die. I don’t think he’s going to be able to handle it.”

There was a long silence and Joel could see tears sliding down her face when she shrugged, “I need you to do something for me. I think we were wrong in keeping all of us separated. More than anything when I’m gone, I think Negan is going to need friends. People to keep him from drowning. I think he needs you and Y/N. People who really know him. So when you find out that I die, please find a way to get in contact with him Joel. I’ve appreciated this friendship that the two of us have had and I hope you can do this for me.”

Stopping the video, Joel lowered his head and let out a trembling breath. Why did he never open the fucking e-mail? Why did he avoid her after he had broken up with Y/N all those years ago? Trying to gather himself, Joel pushed forward and hit the play button to start the video back up again.

“I miss talking to you,” she declared with a nervous laugh, shrugging her shoulders as she spoke to the camera. “I wanted to give you some advice Joel. Take it or leave it from a dying woman with nothing but a small amount of time. I know that you want more in life. That you felt cheated for the things that happened to you, but I think you need to reconsider your divorce to Y/N. I was really upset with my life for a long time too, but I realized something. I loved Negan. Through and through. I always knew there was a good man deep down inside of him and he’s really proven that the last year or so. He’s the man I always knew him to be. The only thing I regret is never being able to have a family. Joel, you have the one thing I always wanted. The one thing I always longed for.”

It took a minute for Lucille to gather herself, biting down on her bottom lip with her tears sliding down her face. Wiping at them with the back of her hand, Lucille sniffled and shook her head, “A family Joel. A family that loves you endlessly. Hear it from someone who has what you would consider everything. I have everything, but when I die, I’ll have nothing to be remembered by. You had someone that loved you, children who think the world of you. I have Negan. And he’ll be the only person to keep my memory alive. And he’ll be alone. Trust me when I tell you Joel, the everything you long for…you already have it. Nothing beats love. Not money, not fame…love. Because at the end of your life you truly realize who it is you want to have with you. And I realize now that it was Negan for me.”

The sound of a door opening was heard and Lucille was looking off the screen. At the corner of the screen Joel watched Negan walking over toward the back table to set down a few bags, “I’m sorry for taking so long. I had to go to two stores just to get these. I bought you a few just in case you keep having cravings.”

Pointing her finger back toward the corner of the room in the video, Lucille smiled and whispered faintly, “Goodbye Joel. Thank you for everything.”

“What was that?” a younger Negan turned on his heel to face her with her glancing back over her shoulder. “Who are you talking to?”

“No one,” Lucille stammered before ending the video.

It had Joel sliding further down in his chair feeling the ache growing at the center of his chest. Now, not only did he regret what he had done with Y/N, he realized that he also made a huge mistake in ignoring Lucille and her messages. It made Joel wonder how long after that video Lucille passed away.

Her last message was her telling him that his family was the most important thing. And now that she was gone and it was years later, Joel realized that she was right.

Sliding in closer to the desk, Joel went through a few folders until stopping on one that he wanted. Clicking open the video, Joel focused on the lower quality video smiling when he saw Y/N holding onto a young Peter sitting by the Christmas tree come into focus.

“Look at all those presents,” Joel’s voice was younger and he turned the camera toward him to show that Elizabeth was in his arms cuddling her head in against his shoulder. This was when they were still so happy and Joel didn’t doubt his life. “It looks like Santa was very good to the both of you this year.”

Pressing a quick kiss over a younger Elizabeth’s head, Joel turned the camera back to Y/N and Peter. Peter was clapping his hands together and reached for a present to inspect it, “I wonder what you did this year to be so good.”

“We’re just good always daddy,” Elizabeth’s younger voice was heard with her being set down and running to sit by the other two next to the tree. “You know that.”

“Yes you are,” Y/N wrapped her arms around both the children hugging them close. “You both are the best. And we love you very much.”

“Daddy, come on. Come here,” Peter called out moving his hands in a dramatic motion. A rumble of a laugh from the other side of the camera fell from Joel’s throat. A moment later Joel was setting up the camera so it would frame the whole family. He walked into the frame and dropped down on the ground next to Y/N. Peppering her with kisses had her smiling and Joel truly wondered where he went wrong. What was it that made him question the love he had for his family? He had the perfect life and now he was left realizing he should have never doubted that.

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis @jennydehavilland

[timetoletmyimaginationfly]

There’s Only So Many Chances

Nanami Kento x Reader

Ryomen Sukuna x Reader

(I Miss You, I’m Sorry by Gracie Abrams)

Tears blurred my vision as I stared at my ceiling. I listened to the soft breathing next to me. My first love. The love of my life. The man that I don’t even know is mine or not. Again.

I hate that I let him get to me again. I hate how easy he makes it. It’s so easy for him to gain my attention. It’s so easy for him to get a rile out of me. It’s so easy for me to fall in his trap every single time.

I covered my mouth to muffle the sobs that were dying to escape. The soft, even breaths sped up and I felt my bed shift. I suddenly felt his warm embrace.

“Don’t cry, baby.”

“Sukuna…”

“Shh. It’s okay,” he said softly and peppered small kisses on my shoulders and neck. Fuck. It feels good. Feels so assuring. Feels right. “We’re right for each other. We belong together.” And I nodded.

He left early for work. He invited me to Toji’s club but I declined. I need a break. I need space. I’m so tired of spiraling back to him and feeling myself lose a part of myself. All I feel is pain. Why can’t I just go about it the hard way? But I ask myself that every time. And I know why. Ryomen Sukuna is the love of my life.

I think.

Because Satoru and Suguru drags me to the club. I see Sukuna making out with a random girl. Almost random. It’s his coworker. Both Satoru and Suguru paused with me. The scene of the club dissipates. All I see is Sukuna and that girl. The same girl he cheated on me with.

I remember clear as day. The heartbreak still feels so new. The way I wanted to surprise Sukuna at this very club with the chain necklace he’s been eyeing on for his birthday. I was supposed to work, but I begged my supervisor to cancel my shift. Whether Sukuna was drunk or not, it didn’t matter. He’s with the woman I worried about. And he’s still with her. Again.

His eyes were wide in shock when he saw me after pulling away from her. He pushed her off his lap and stood up. I shook my head, my eyes so teary and my face wet. I feel like dying. I want to scream and kill him. Every step he was taking towards me, I took a step back. That was until I felt someone pull me outside. Sukuna was blocked from Suguru and Satoru. And I was finally away.

Wait. Who the hell…?

“Kento?” He looked at me with a small smile.

“Figured you need help escaping,” he said.

“When did you get back?”

“This morning.”

Nanami Kento. He’s such a heartthrob. He’s probably the only man that I know who would read all of the love notes that female students give him and smile but also politely decline them. He’s so polite and chivalrous. He’s so kind, putting other’s needs before his own. Satoru and I had to yell at him one day because some girl he faked dated won’t stop manipulating him. Because of that, he went away for college, out of the country. He’s the only one that left while everyone else stayed. He’ll return during holiday breaks and he just received his masters in business, already learning the ropes of the family business. He stayed in America to learn more before agreeing to move back to Japan. Which is, I guess, now.

“And you never told me?”

“Surprise.”

I don’t know what came over me. It’s like all of my emotions decided to take a dump on me that I cried and laughed. It surprised Kento when he gave me such an alarming look. He asked me if I was okay. Of course, I don’t know. I never know anymore.

He held my hand though. We continued to walk. To where? Anywhere he would take me. I always trusted him. He gave me no reason to not trust him. He brought me to a diner. His hand rested on my lower back and had me sit on the booth first before he took his seat in front of me. Gentleman as always. Never stop, Nanami Kento.

We ordered our drinks and he ordered a few appetizers for us to munch on. Perfect man.

“Gojo told me what happened two years ago,” he bluntly said.

I lowered my gaze to the glass of water. Kento’s two years older than me. Once he left, I met Ryomen Sukuna. We became an official couple during our senior year in high school. Stayed through and through in college. He was my biggest support, my anchor whenever I was stress and had panic attacks before exams and finals. He took over for his father’s company while I did my nursing job. A year after we graduated, he was more distant. And I knew why. Just seeing it happen confirmed and broke me.

But he always said the right things. His actions seem to always match with his words. But when we argue, I’ll see his arm wrapped around a woman’s shoulders. Most of the time, it was that woman. I would slap him. We argue again. Then we have sex. Everything would be back to normal until the cycle repeats itself. A year passed. A long, exhausting and excruciating year. And I’m done. I’m so done.

“I’m so stupid,” I said and wiped the tears I didn’t realize fell.

“You love him,” he said. Point blank. Straight to the point. “You don’t know how to live without him.” Why do you look so sad, Kento? I have never seen that look on him.

“I want to though,” I said. “I don’t want to live this kind of life anymore.”

“Then do it. You do it to yourself for always going back. You want to get back at him, don’t go back to him.”

And he’s right. I’m pretty sure everyone told me that already. Even Toji, Sukuna’s best friend. But when Kento tells me, it just sounds more right to do so.

But it’s so hard. I’m staring at the eyes of the man I love. We’re arguing again from that night when Kento dragged me out of the club. I haven’t spoken to him for a week. He’s at my apartment right now. Angry. Upset. Heartbroken.

I can feel the heat between us. I can feel the love but also the eternal anger and regret. It only took him to caressing my face to comfort me to easily give in. We kissed. Fucked our anger out. And cuddled in bed. It felt right but also, for the first time, this just felt so wrong.

“I have a proposition.” Sukuna left for work. I’m alone, feeling dirty and hurt. I called Kento. He picked up on the first ring. “Be my fake boyfriend. I-I can’t do this alone and…”

“I’ll pick you up for lunch in a couple of hours,” he said softly to me. It’s like I can see him smile softly. Is he?

“No—wait. It’s—god, I can’t do that to you.” I bit my lower lip. I brushed my hair back and paced around my apartment. No. I can’t do that to him. Using Kento as my backup even if it’s just pretend. Emi used him. I can’t be like her.

“Y/N, it’s okay,” he said. It was so reassuring. “I’ll do this for you. Just say the word and I’ll be there.”

“If you’re stuck in a meeting?”

“The meeting will be over.”

I sobbed.

Satoru and Suguru brought me back to Toji’s club. Toji hugged me and ruffled the top of my head, offering me to beat up the man I love. But I shook my head. I told him that I’m okay. And that I’ll be okay.

“Alright, Princess,” he said and started walking around his club. I texted Kento where I was going to be tonight while he had a late night meeting with his team. He had a project to finish. The deadline is in two days. He offered his presence but I told him not to ditch his team. Besides, I have my two best friends with me. I’ll be okay.

But when I got to the bar, I see Sukuna. He was flirting with her. What does she have that I don’t have? What can she offer him that I can’t? What’s wrong with me? I tried to quickly walk away, but I felt his hand around my wrist.

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” he said. His voice still making my heart skip a beat.

“Sugu and Toru wanted to hang out,” I answered as nonchalantly as I can. I’m not giving in. Don’t give in. But he took a step closer and curled a strand of my hair behind my ear.

“Baby, I missed you. It’s been a week. What does you say? Just like old times?” My body froze. Both my heart and brain were battling with each other. I just stared at his red eyes. Intimidating eyes that always looked at me so softly. I am an idiot. I’m an idiot because I’m about to say yes.

“Sweetheart.” I was suddenly pulled away from Sukuna. A new sense of comfort enveloped around me. This fresh scent that doesn’t reek of cigarettes and cologne instead is something earthy and herbal, like tea. “I’m sorry I’m late.” I looked up to see Kento smiling softly at me. I smiled back.

“It’s okay, Ken,” I said.

“Ryomen-san,” Kento greeted flatly. Sukuna’s eyes were cold and icy. But when I looked at Kento, I gasped to see the same thing. I never saw him like this.

“Nanami.” Sukuna looked at me. “Think about it.” And then, he just left. Walking towards the back of the club, probably going back to her.

I finally felt that rush of air back in my lungs. Oh my gosh. I didn’t go after him. I stayed by Kento’s side. Kento wouldn’t stop me. I just know he won’t.

“Fresh air, sweetheart?” Kento asked. I only nodded and let him lead the way. I leaned against the brick wall of the building. Kento stood in front of me, his hands shoved in his pants pocket. I looked at him from head to toe. He’s still in his work clothes.

“Did you come straight from work?” I asked stupidly. Of course he did. Kento wouldn’t come here in his work clothes. I think.

“Once you said that you were going and that you arrived, I left a bit early. My team’s okay with it. I’ll just do my part at home or return back.”

“Kento, don’t do that. Your work is important.” You shook your head and looked at me with so much sincerity.

“No, Y/N. You’re more important than my work.”

“Ken…” His arm was wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me in close.

“Do you want to go back in?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ll be okay?”

“No,” I said and I looked at him with a small smile. “But with you, yes.”

There were times where I would purposely bring Kento with me at specific restaurants and at Toji’s club so Sukuna can see. At first, seeing him pissed and seeing him flirt with more women hurt. When he’s hurt, I’m hurt. We both hurt each other. He’s with other women and I stay with Kento.

Kento helped me a lot. I asked him to help me not to respond back to any of Sukuna’s messages. He would take my phone and turn it off. He keeps my phone in his pocket and distract me with fun activities like shopping, cooking, and reading. He’s been doing so much for me, I surprised him with a new suit. To be honest, I did work overtime hours just for him. Just to show how thankful I am for him to help me.

“You didn’t have to buy me this,” he said when I showed up at his apartment. He was going to make us dinner. I gave him his new suit, tie, shoes, socks, and cufflinks. The whole shebang.

“You’re doing so much for me, Kento,” I told him. I walked up to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “So, so much.” He chuckled and kissed the top of my head. I don’t know when that became such a norm for us, but it is.

“Just seeing you happy is enough for me,” he said. I’ll admit, Nanami Kento is good with his words. The difference between him and Sukuna is that Kento means every word. The way Kento looks at me and smiles at me. It’s nothing compared to Sukuna. “I hope you’re starving.”

After dinner, we sat in the living room. Kento was relaxed, his feet resting on the ottoman as he read his book. Meanwhile, my head rested on his lap while I read mine. His hand was on the top of my head, gently combing my hair and caressing it. It’s so soothing. The things he does for me. It feels so real. And…

I’m scared.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” Kento seemed worried, genuinely worried when I immediately sat up. My mind is suddenly swirling around endlessly. It’s not about Sukuna though. It’s Kento.

“Why me? Why put yourself in this position again, Kento? Emi hurt you and you left,” I said. I will admit that I was hurt when he left. Toru and Sugu may be my two best friends but Kento was always by my side in a heartbeat. And he would at least take my problems, complaints, and venting seriously.

“Because I care about you, Y/N,” he answered so easily, so natural of him to say. “I always cared about you. I think, after Emi hurt me for taking parts of me away, I needed to leave Japan. I needed to get myself together.” I placed my book down on the table and brought my feet up on the couch. I hugged my knees tight to my chest. And Kento? He sat on the couch, legs crossed as he faced me.

“You had me,” I said. I can see sorrow and regret swimming in his eyes. “Would I have been a nuisance?” He immediately shook his head. Phew. That’s one thing to be relieved about.

“Emi attended the one University I wanted to go to in Japan. I had to get away. I blocked her from my life. When I officially returned to Japan, word from the street she’s in a psych hospital. It’s scary because she ended up being obsessed with me.” We both shuddered. She wouldn’t leave him alone. She constantly gaslighted him. Kento! The sweetest and kindest man around. “Y/N, Sukuna stripped so much away from you. I would do anything to bring you back on your feet. Even if it means that you get to use me for your own benefit.”

“But why?” I felt tears in my eyes. I’m just feeling so much emotions again. Kento was quiet. He’s in deep thought. He’s carefully planning out on what to say. I’ve been spending so much time with him, I catch the subtle action he does. Like right now.

“I always liked you, Y/N.” Slowly, very slowly, those words sunk in. My eyes were wide, my mouth slightly open. “When I learned that you had a boyfriend, of course I would support you. You being happy is all I ever want for you.”

“Ken…”

“I couldn’t confess to you when I was mentally a mess,” he said. “But I was too late. And when I heard about the things that Sukuna did and would do to you, I never wanted to kill someone so badly before in my life.” I let my tears fall. Kento reached out to me and cupped my face, wiping the tears away. “It always pained me to see you cry.”

“Is that why you immediately agreed to help me?”

“I agreed to help you because you wanted to try out this plan, not because of my feelings for you. But to be honest, it is a bonus.” I let out a chuckle but it didn’t last long. I stood up and walked over to my things.

“I-I need to go.”

“Wait, Y/N—“

“Please, Ken. I need time.”

And he nodded. He let me go. He watched me leave. But he always and somehow came back. When I’m at work, security delivers my lunch at 11pm at night. He’ll tell me it’s Kento. Everyone loves it when Kento visits me during my shifts. He even makes the patients and married nurses jealous. It makes me giggle every time. Sukuna never did that once. And Kento would text me and leave me voicemails. Always praising me, complimenting me, and to make sure I have a great day or great shift.

It’s been two weeks.

I stood in front of Toji’s club. I don’t know for how long, but my feet were just glued to the concrete. I gripped the handles of my purse and bit my lower lip. All I did was separate myself from everything. Thought about Kento since we became friends. Thought about Sukuna. Thought about Kento when he came back and helped me.

I know he’s here. He’s somewhere. I walked to the bathroom to fix my hair. I hear soft moans and a male shushing that voice softly. I know that voice all too well. I stared at the closed stall as I kept the water running. I let my tears fall one more time. He’ll never change. I pulled my phone out.

“Y/N! Are you okay?” I smiled. I realized that he’s such a worrywart towards me.

“I’m okay,” I said. “I’m sorry I haven’t—-“

“Don’t be,” he told me with so much relief that he knows that I’m still alive. “But, are you okay?” My eyes returned back to the stall. I feel the pain in my heart but now that I think about it, it feels wasn’t as bad as it would be before.

“I’m okay, Ken,” I answered truthfully. “I want to spend time with you. We can meet at the bookstore by Lovey’s Cafe, buy a new book, you can cook me dinner, and after we get comfortable on the couch and read.”

“Sounds like a plan.” I smiled. “I’ll cook your favorite. I can leave work in an hour.”

“An hour? Okay!”

I left and continued to converse with Kento. But I did hear the stall door open. I heard him cursing and I quickened my pace out of the club. It felt good though. I can give him this effect and the effect he had on me, it doesn’t hit deep anymore.

I was running a bit late. I sped walk to the bookstore. Huh? Are you held up at work? If Kento couldn’t pick me up, he always waited for me outside. Didn’t matter if the weather was bad, he always made his presence known.

I’ll just call him and—

I heard a faint sound. I heard multiple voices, two familiar voices.

“You’re manipulating her to go against me!” I walked in the alleyway slowly and quietly.

“She’s capable of making decisions of her own.” Kento! Oh my god! He’s hurt. “You hurt her. It’s all you do because you’re so used to having her around, you can’t stand the idea of her letting you go.” I winced. Stop. Make it stop.

“Fuck you and your stupid mind games! Leave my girl alone!”

I don’t trust Sukuna. Not at all. But there is one thing that I trust that he won’t do. Sukuna was ready to punch Kento. I jumped in the middle, my back facing Sukuna, and my arms wrapped around Kento to protect him. I felt his fist so close to my face. But I know, deep down I know, that Sukuna would never hurt me physically. He hurt others for me but never me.

“Baby…” But I ignored him. I ignored the man I once loved so deeply, that I was willing to get hurt just to have another moment with him. Instead, I cupped Kento’s face. His right cheek is bruised, along with his eye. And his lower lip has a cut.

“Y/N,” Kento said so softly. How does he do it? How does his voice envelope so much warmth and assurance to me?

“Let’s go, Ken. Let’s go home.” I didn’t miss the way Sukuna’s eyes widened. I didn’t miss how broken he look when I walked side by side with Kento. I didn’t look back once.

Kento sat on the bar still of his island. I stood in between his legs while I cleaned his wound and applied some medicine. He would wince ever so slightly. In response, I would giggle and he smiles. His hands eventually made its way to my hips. He held me gently when I finally held an ice pack to his face.

“You’re okay now?” I asked. Kento nodded.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“How are you feeling?” I put everything on the table. I pulled the chair behind me closer. Kento let me go so I can sit next to him. I lifted my feet so I can hug my knees close to my chest.

“I haven’t contacted anyone for two weeks. Not even Toru and Sugu and they’ve been blowing up my phone. So they visited, but I kept to myself. Just thinking, reflecting, and realizing.”

“Seems very productive,” he said. I nodded. Kento chuckled and pushed his hair back. Strands of his hair was now covering his forehead. I missed that look sometimes. His high school look, until his senior year because that was when he decided to do his hairstyle that is now. “You look brighter. You seem different but a good different.” That made me smile.

“Not dreary nor sad?”

“More like content and happy.”

“Productive two weeks, Kento. But, I am sorry for ignoring you.” You opened your mouth to say something, but I quickly continued. “It’s just that, I felt so much the last time I saw you. I don’t know where the hell the overwhelming emotions came from. But it was too much. I-I just knew that I needed to be alone. And it made me understand why you did it. I might’ve needed it too.

“And I know two weeks isn’t compared to your 6 years? You’ve been gone too long, Kento. But…well, here’s the thing. You and me? I don’t think I had feelings for you when we were younger. But I knew you were so important to me. You didn’t feel like a friend like Toru and Sugu, but you weren’t a boyfriend or whatever. I don’t know, you were important and to be honest, it broke me too when you left. You comforted me at your goodbye party. I was not having a good time. I cried the whole way home with your mom from the airport.”

“She never mentioned that.”

“I begged her not to.” We chuckled again. “Even when you were with Emi, you made time for me. You dealt with her berating and manipulation while focusing on me when I needed you. I’m so selfish, weren’t I?” I looked at you the moment I felt your hand caress my cheek.

“I like it,” he said to me. “Your selfishness means more time with you.”

“Sukuna was the new kid. We sat together in class and…” Those memories made me tear up. I let my tears go. Memories. The good and happy memories that everyone wants to relive. “He was always there until he wasn’t. After we graduated and I had to study for my license. I was so busy studying, I didn’t notice the sparse time I would see him until I finished. And when I caught him, I felt like I died.” Kento scooted his chair closer to me. “And I let him hurt me because I kept wanting to relive the moments when were happy and in love.”

“And now?”

“I don’t want to anymore. It felt easy ignoring him. When I called you, I knew he was messing around in the cubicle.” I looked at you, looked at the injuries to your face. “I wanted to piss him off and I’m sorry. I didn’t think he would actually hurt you.”

“Don’t worry about, Y/N.” I smiled.

“I had to piss him off one last time. It felt good.”

“Good.” We were silent. I fiddled with my fingers, spun the rings on my fingers nervously. I watched his hand hover over mine before he held them. I looked at him and I see the sadness in your eyes. “So, I guess the fake boyfriend plan has come to an end, huh?”

“Yes and no. Two weeks may not be enough but I also don’t want to make you feel like a rebound. But I also learned the things I deserve in a relationship and it’s all because of you. I mean, like I said, you were important to me and I love spending with you. I was fine alone for those two weeks.” Oh my gosh, I’m rambling.

“Y/N.” I closed my lips shut and looked at him. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Nanami Kento. You perfect, perfect man.

“Make me dinner?”

“Yes, sweetheart.”

“And we’ll read?”

“Yes, sweetheart.”

“And you’ll bring me home?” Kento laughed. He cupped my face and his lips rested on my forehead.

“Anything you want, my dear.”

The first year, to me, was hard. But Kento stuck with me through and through. There were times when I blew his phone up because he never texted or call me back at the time he usually arrived home. When that happens, he calls and tells me to look at my front door. There is always a bouquet of flowers and a note saying that he’s sorry for being held up at work. Kento would change the phone call to a video call just to show that he was home. I cried every time.

Of course he had women as employees. I stayed in control, almost. I mean, I would give them cold looks and some glares, but Kento always, and I mean always, stayed by my side. Always.

I promise that I stopped being paranoid. Kento being Kento remains blunt, telling me that I am crazy. I don’t know how he does it. Maybe he gives it time until he has a feeling that I know myself. I try not to cling on to him 24/7. Kento has his own life and he wants me to have my own. This man never yelled at me nor show impatience. It was different and nice.

I don’t know when we became an official couple. I don’t even think we directly stated it. We just were. And I’m happy. So damn happy. Three years later and I’m so in love with Nanami Kento.

Toru is having his birthday party at Toji’s club. We always go to Toji’s because of the discount. I go because I’m Toji’s little princess and I can get anything for free. I tip though. His workers deserve something at least. I arrived first. Kento is at work. Toru is getting Sugu. Haibara just left his shift. Shoko will arrive a few hours later because of work. Me? I don’t know. I felt like I had to go.

I ordered a draft beer and some onion rings. I chatted happily to Ino, the regular bartender I always see. He’s my favorite. He’s so sweet and is easy to talk to. Our conversation didn’t last too long though. He smiled brightly at me, promising to return. I took a sip of my beer and I start going back to memory lane again.

“Whiskey, neat.” My heart drop. I turned around to find Sukuna. He was already looking at me. He looks worn out. Still heartbroken and now, there’s so much regret shown on his face and eyes. “Y/N.”

“Sukuna.” I gave him a curt nod, my lips tight together. I watched his eyes roam my body and face. But they stopped at my hand.

“Congratulations,” he said weakly. I looked at my hand. The large diamond ring that Kento proposed to me with a week ago.

In high school, Kento and I had a secret hiding spot, our spot. At the park where I would accompany him at to look at the sky. Clouds, clear blue skies, stars, you name it. He proposed to me there. I was blindfolded and when took the blindfold off, I see flowers and candles surrounding the area. I was too focused looking at my surroundings that I didn’t notice Kento go down on one knee. I cried happily. He kissed me passionately.

“Thank you,” I said with a small smile.

“Can you hear me out? Even for five minutes?” I never thought of scenarios if I ever encounter Sukuna alone. I’ve seen him around the club but we never approached each other. Maybe back then, I would say no, but…”

“Sure.”

“What I did was wrong,” he said. “I hurt you over and over again both mentally and emotionally. You were the first person I fell in love with. We basically had our life together the whole time since we met. And when I did what I did, I thought, ‘If I was single, I’d be able to do this all the time. Maybe just once, I can pretend and then go back to my normal life.’ And the whole shit show I did spiraled out of control. I should’ve just broken up with you. I should’ve just left you alone and not drag you back to the heartbreaking cycle.” I felt tears build up in my eyes. But I held them in and swallowed the large lump in my throat. “I deserve everything I have now. A broken heart and losing the woman that ever cared about me and loved me so deeply she was willing to be hurt for me.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“You deserve what you have now,” he told me. “I don’t deserve you, never did.” He was crying. He quickly wiped the tears. “Look, I think we’re stuck seeing each other since we’re friends with Toji. Maybe we’ll just say hi to each other. That’s it.”

“Yeah, we can do that.” Sukuna nodded.

“Cool. That’s…yeah. Cool.”

“Sukuna, move on. You can redeem yourself, too.”

“I don’t know.”

“I learned things because of you and Kento. I thought that you were the only love of my life. But, that’s not the case. In some ways, I still love you but not the way I did before. You’re still someone who I find important. Kento showed me a new kind of love. A love that I never thought existed. So maybe, just maybe, you’ll find your Kento.” We both laughed.

“Well, my Kento better be a kick ass chick.” I laughed again.

“She will.”

“Well, I better go before your fiancé comes. He might get his revenge and kick my ass.” We laughed again. “Goodbye, Y/N.”

“Goodbye, Sukuna.”

I watched him walk away. He sat alone in the corner, drinking and watching. He raised his glass at me and I did the same. I turned away, recollecting my thoughts. I’m okay. I smiled. I’m okay.

“Sweetheart, did you wait long?” My heart skipped a beat. I looked up behind me to see Kento. He smiled and kissed my lips softly before kissing my forehead.

“Not at all.”

“How was your day?” He took his seat next to me, where Sukuna vacated. “I hope it was good.” I smiled widely and kissed his lips.

“It was wonderful. Much better now that my fiancé was here.”

“You’re being cheesy. Care to share?” I do get cheesy when my thoughts start to get too much.

“I got my closure.” And just like that, Kento smiled.

“Does it help?”

“It does. It surprisingly helped a lot.”

“Is he okay?” Typical Kento. Making sure another person is okay. I feel like a significant other wouldn’t be happy that I spoke to my ex. But not my Kento. I held his hand and squeezed it tightly.

“He’ll be okay. Kento?”

“Yes, my love?”

“I love you so much. Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“Thank you for giving me a chance.” Kento caressed my held hand with his thumb, his eyes resting on the ring he gave me. “I can’t wait to marry you.”

“Me too, Kento.”