#see my particular problem is that i have a ⅞ cello

[lenskij]

it's Friday so instead of thinking about anything else I'm drooling over a shiny (expensive....) hard case for my cello. Unfortch no local shops carry it, and if I order it online there'd be so much hassle to return it in because the post office will shoot on sight if I attempt to ship a cello case with them. Ah the struggle!

[her-acts-of-cruelty]

huge rhrn spoilers!!

this is my review. :3

if you spot any mistakes, let me know! curious to see what other people thought

this is long btw... and broken into sections in no particular order.

1. marketing

i, like many other fans, saw the teaser dropped and assumed the movie wouldn't be out at least until the end of the year, as par the tradition with most movies. However, this isnt movies, in fact i think forge released this movie at the perfect time for a couple reasons. the first beingo that the release date was on Litha, also known as the summer solstice. the reason this is significant is that many ceremonies for this holiday include celebrations with large groups, something that RHRN provided. I felt like this really added to the aspect of attending a "ritual". another reason forge was quite smart for this is that the hype for people around the world to see what happened at the Kia Forum hadnt died down yet. this worked in his favour, considering this sudden drop brought up the attention again.

i really liked that they used Father Jim Defroque as a marketing tactic. Especially considering it connected festival goers at Download to feel connected with fans that weren't there. The use of Jim's posters at download was very fun too, and fitting they got vandalised due to non-ghost fans assuming it was a real priest. for me that added to the authenticity that he's a real person that is very serious about protesting this movie!!!

i also liked the experimentation going on, even if it doesnt go to plan (problems with the jim video drop), the fact that these new mediums are being tested out allows room to figure out kinks and try them again in the future. it added to the interactive element, and made me forget tobias existed, and that this was a very real band and there were very real things going on that i had to be weary of.

2. Music

One thing i did notice is the improvement in quality compared to their previous live album, Ceremony and Devotion. Obviously theres a big change in vocals, i was very surprised that Copia's vocals seemed a lot more high pitched than what i had remembered.

the easiest comparison i can make that's accessible to everyone right now here Rite Here Rite now's Absolution, and Ceremony and Devotion's Absolution. most notably for me was the backing vocals and the presence of this growling and sinister tone, that i really enjoyed. the overall quality is definitely there too, i'm not certain on the specifics but i know for a fact there was a very different set up this time around, compared to C&D.

if you have ghost live, was such a haunting moment. theres many little elements, the backing vocals, the gorgeous piano, and the incredible cello players had a huge part in making this version sound the way it did. the amount of passion and emotion here reflected the message of the song, there was a sense of unity that i felt really stood out.

Its also worth talking about The Future is a Foreign Land. oh my god i cried when i heard this for the first time. this song really encapsulates that sort of bond-esque era of music, undeniably it had that 60s ring to it. It did also remind me of Magna Carta Cartel (more so than subvision, i dont think subvision has quite the same sway as this specific song). i know some others have pointed this out and i'm glad.

from a story point, this song is really interesting. considering we previously had no context of how nihil responded following the events of kiss the go-goat, it was kind of cathartic to know that he did genuinly feel bad for his actions. more about this in the use of animation though.

For tobias forge, this song was really interesting. i felt like it was a bit too blatant having the mention of 2024, i guess it felt like it was implying that from that moment nihil knew that thqt was the year copia would take over as head of the clergy, or at least that seestor would die. which wouldnt make sense? i dont think? idk comments are on, share what you want.

3. Animation/mixed mediums

i wasnt sure how the animation element would tie in with the movie when i first saw it announced, but honestly i think this was the best way to do it. while i was a bit disappointed to see nothing new from liz fenning and justin andrews, the decision to lean into the comments of ghost making scooby doo music and using that artsyle was very fun.

i also felt like this was a time effective way of explaining the events post kiss the go-goat. seestor's idgaf attitude was amazing, im so glad that this didnt fall back on letting nihil get the girl in the end. characters dont have to get back together, and im glad they didnt. this felt more real and more personal, the two of them only sticking around to work and to make sure their children grew up to serve their duties.

the overlay during year zero was so fucking cool. i think its clips from swedish black comedy "Häxan" but i could be very very wrong. this made me very happy though, i wasnt expecting this and was a nice way to throw in some references to swedish media, especially one that also enjoys making fun of the fear around witchcraft and satanism,

4. the ghouls!!

suspiciously well behaved. did not expect that. i was a bit disappointed that we didnt see that much of them and that they were so well behaved??? what happened to my feral creatures???

as per usual, their perfomances were amazing. the backing vocals sent me to heaven, i think best example of this is during mary on a cross, or kaisarion. Seeing Phantom and Dew show off their silly skills was very fun, love me a man that can become a pretzel while he serenaded me with songs of satan. while i am upset that we lost Aether, im glad his replacement is bringing some silliness to his role and seeing his growth with the band had been really rewarding.

i will say cirrus's reaction to seestors death did get me. like damn. youre right this is sad. i think also seeing someone die is actually quite shocking, we dont really know much about seestors relationships with the ghouls so theres not a whole bunch i can add.

im so glad they werent unmasked, i feel like that would've ruined the mystery of what ghouls look like. and i mean not as performers but as fictional creatures. everyone has their own version, similar to how Vessel from Sleep Token keeps on his mask to allow the audience to project onto him.

hearing rain's voice scared the shit out of me. i forgot he knew how to do that.

5. the off stage segments

i am so glad this is how the movie was broken up. what comes to mind for me is copia and nihil in the box just before if you have ghost. this was a gut punch of a moment for me, for a deadbeat parent to just decide they want to be there all of a sudden, because your other parent is bothering you? i did appreciate that big drop of "oh yeah actually i had three songs oops anyway deep breaths loser youre on"

the sudden drop of something like that is insane, and nihil being so smug about it, knowing that he's been keeping that quiet for so long just aaaaaah. but also i get why it was kept quiet, considering how personal the Future is a Foreign Place is to him.

it was at this point i began to cry. and i did not stop crying at this movie, even past the credits.

i did love that there was like no real chemistry between copia and Ashley. like yes, she has a job to do, and copia is known for being useless around women. and also like, theyre co-workers, they dont need to have romantic relations. i liked that!!

i am going to jump to the ending. post encore after the hot air balloon scene. i will not be spending much time on this because my dumbass really believed that copia would just float away into space and thats the movie over.

seestor's death was so unexpected. but i think it made sense. i have mixed feeling about her, mainly the whole "lol yeah i told my 55 year old son i was his mum last month and now ive decided to parent" but thats mainly it. she has a job to do, and she does it well. shes also just the baddest bitch in the world.

i was crying at her dying. and then hearing Copia's pathetic cries had me choke at the emotional whiplash as my friend laughed at me. and i laughed at copia because what the fuck was that noise bro.

AND SHE DIED IN HER HEELS??? girl is serving cunt in the afterlife thats C-U-N-T spells CUNT

finding out copia has a twin (?) was also very shocking, id always assumed he was named Copia becauses hes a copy of his dad, not because like... hes one of two??

Post credits had the entire audience gagged. firstly, seeing copia out of his red tracksuit and wearing his fancy new suit that came with being promoted to Father Imperator (or frater imperator, as some have dubbed him which makes sense and is fair) had me yeowling like a cat being dragged to the vets. Tears were over by this point, i was so proud of him. and happy that forge didnt lie, copia dient die he just now is the real one in charge.

the does also shine a light on how papa doesnt actually have any power, he's just a pawn for the clergy (secondo spitting out im a marrionette??? hello??? he knew full well that he was never the one in charge which is insane. but also fitting for him as a person).

if you're still reading i am very impressed. heres where i put the conclusion;

in conclusion, for Forge's first movie, this was AMAZING. For a band that was originally meant to be scary, its nice seeing them be silly and lean into the things people joke about. they're self aware, and they're fun. i really hope there are future installments and that we get an expansion on the lore (tv show when???)

thank you for reading, here's to Papa V and making new memories!

[drakulateeth]

My femme fatale essentials

I have seen way too many posts and articles about how to become a femme fatale and most of them are useless. And since I have had the femme fatale mindset ever since I was quite young, let me share with you what being a femme fatale actually entails:

1. Being in touch with your dark side.

By this I mean, understanding and not suppressing the negative traits that we have. Being selfish, arrogant, wanting to lie, wanting to steal, craving violence. Once you look at those feelings in the face and truly understand them, you will no longer be a slave to them and to what society says is unacceptable. Regardless this does not mean wrecking havoc in others lives and self-destructing, but you should accept yourself fully and work on whatever you see fit, however you see fit (I'm a popstar, not a doctor).

2. Having a generally dark and muted color paletter.

For your clothes and your environment, I think this is quite self explanatory. Dark reds and browns, shiny pinks and even deep blues. Candles, antique furniture, old books, heavy curtains, classic cuts for clothes, for this part I would suggest you mix the stereotypical aesthetic with your own authentic style. Do not buy into the mainstream products you see online though, please, I would suggest see what type of Halloween decorations you enjoy and move from there. (My inspiration ever since I was young have been vampires)

3. Being the demise of men.

My personal favorite. I have yet to destroy anyone's life but I have used the feelings that many guys had for me, for my benefit. From school projects, to concert tickets, to snacks, free rides around town, to now getting a guy that likes me, that I of course do not like, to do most of my work in the conference I am working on. And in the end breaking their little hearts.

The way I go around it is that I act cold (I already look intimidating) and never give them actual hope, so when the situation blows in the guy's face, he knows that it was his fault and that him being blinded by lust cannot be my problem. This is where the be in touch with all your feeling and urges comes to play. Be ruthless. (I should do a whole separate piece on being ruthless, 10/10 would recommend)

4. Emulating classic and/or glam looks.

For this part, fuck trends and do what works for you. You must know yourself first and then craft a look, I cannot tell you to just do a red lip and you will look stunning. You should know your undertones and what shades of lipstick compliment your face. I only wear dark reds and browns, otherwise I do simple nudes, because pink or purple or anything vibrant looks terrible on me. Pick and choose whatever suits you and I repeat stay away from trends. Hair, make up, scents, dresses, shoes, nails, everything should be coherent, should suit you because YOU are wearing them they do not wear you, basically look well put together in a glam way in a darker color palette. (The look is a very simple part)

5. Having a very particular hobby that must be intellectually stimulating.

For me it would be learning languages, I already speak four (French is one of them, you want someone to be hypnotized by you, speak French with the accent, even if it is visible you are not French, it still sounds hot) and I intend to learn three more because I have picked them up but have not taken them to intermediate or advanced levels yet. Your hobby can be anything as long as it is very intellectually and artistically stimulating. Think playing the cello, the harp, the violin, the piano, think classical ballet, ballroom dancing or even belly dancing, sculpting, writing poetry, pottery, I can go on for ages. You have read this in other guides too, be curious, be authentic and indulge in the things that you enjoy.

6. Oozing sex appeal.

That starts with being confident in your body and being in complete touch with yourself. You already know what I will say on this, eat well, do something physical that makes you feel good, take care of your health, wear well made lingerie, have a deep and sweet perfume (I am a Dior girl, I buy a dupe for daily wear, and the actual perfume for more important matters). The rest, I don't know you, you must figure it out yourself, a guide I made cannot dictate your life, do whatever makes you feel sexy. Start with sexy lingerie, shiny jewelry, also gun and dagger shaped things, put on a sultry playlist, imitate supermodel walks, the world is your oyster.

7. You must stand tall

The main appeal of the femme fatale, is the self confidence, the directness, living their life in their own terms. They have boundaries, standards, refined taste... basically they are the dream girl that would do everything to get what she wants, there is this sort of perfect imperfection about their poise, their anger, their movement. They seem so cool yet so ready to strike, at any moment they might unleash hell. I always loved them because they seemed so multidimensional. I never particularly enjoyed the nice and sweet heroin in media, I related more the the amoral, darker "villains" hence me being a well known bitch from age 12 until now.

On an ending note, I would suggest pick a few fictional characters that have traits you would like to emulate, and live as they would. We live in the age of information, chances are you already know what you like or not about the aesthetic, so make it your own and live authentically. The only thing I want to say is, bring back misery to men's lives, because 1. the trope is based on that and 2. because they love it.

Happy hunting my maneaters,

💋

snowblack

[verlaines-corner-archive]

From an anon whose asked was deleted due to tumblr tagging problems (of which I am so very sorry TwT): Is Fyodor having a God complex canon or fanon? Doesn’t he refer to himself as God in the manga? What are his religious beliefs?

Now analysis is in no way my forte, however I am a Fyodor enthusiast and would like to think I have some skill in this area, so I tried my best haha.

Fyodor and his mischaracterisation 

Now to answer your question, no, Fyodor does not have a god complex. This is a mischaracterisation due in large part to the animes portrayal of his character.

It kind of takes his character and dumbs it down almost, making him a lot more stereotypical in his villain hood. Some of this can be attributed to all the evil grins and creepy faces he makes. Now in general I have nothing against the turtle smile, but comparing it to his smile in the manga which (while certainly sinister) is soft, it doesn’t do him any favours.

But I think a lot of the mischaracterisation comes from scenes that have either been left out, or scenes that have been added into the anime by Bones. There are two scenes in particular I think are worth mentioning here.

The first one is some of Fyodor’s interactions with Karma that were cut from the anime, specifically these panels here:

Now this is a small interaction and is overshadowed by Karma explaining how he ended up under Ace as a slave, but it adds a fair bit in terms of not only humanising Fyodor but also making Karma’s little exposition dump feel more natural.

We have Fyodor, who up until this point has been confident and reserved, slouched over and rubbing his nose. The panel makes him seem childish almost, like he just intends to wallow in self pity. It’s a very small detail but it helps to add character. However I feel like it’s really strengthened by Karma’s reaction.

In the anime when Karma goes to dry Fyodor’s hair he’s seemingly bored, nonchalant about the whole thing. But as we can see in the manga he’s almost enthusiastic about it, playful. He’s laughing and smiling and in general the atmosphere feels lighter. It creates the idea that Karma, while perhaps not necessarily trusting of Fyodor, is somewhat comfortable around him, which makes Karma explaining his situation feel like a natural progression of events. 

By removing it from the anime not only does it make Fedya more one dimensional, but in my opinion also makes Karma feel less human too, and his whole explanation about himself less warranted if that makes sense.

The second scene I want to mention is the cello scene. Now in both the anime and the manga it plays out the same for the most part; Fyodor is interrogating Katsura about the ADA, more specifically about Kunikida.

The main difference, and problem, comes from how the scene ends. In the manga it ends with Fyodor saying “Joy to the world and blessings for all its children”. This is accompanied by him with his head tilted back and his eyes closed, and the whole scene carries this melancholic feeling to it.

Now while we do get that in the anime, Bones adds an extra scene afterwards in which our beloved Fedya is shown standing above a now broken cello with an almost comically evil smirk on his face. We’re led to believe that he either kills or harms Katsura here, while in the manga that’s never the case. 

It replaces the melancholic tone from earlier with one of malice, while also replacing Fyodor’s seemingly reflective attitude with what could almost be described as blood-lust. It ruins what is otherwise a heavy moment.

These mischaracterisations makes him seem more shallow in the anime, and if we combine that with his religious jargon, makes the jump from ‘wanting to cleanse sin’ to ‘emotionless with a side of god complex’ a lot easier. 

Does Fyodor refer to himself as god?

There are no instances in the manga where Fyodor refers to himself as God.

During his manga debut in chapter 12 he actually refers to himself as ‘The hand of God’ instead. This term is also seen again in chapter 42, when he is captured by Ace, which is titled ‘Sins granted by the hand of God’. 

It is also worth mentioning that in the anime this episode is titled ‘My ill deeds are the work of God’.

So no dear anon, Fyodor does not appear to believe himself to be God nor does he refer to himself as such. He merely believes himself to be acting out God’s will.

Instead of a god complex he does however seem to have some sort of saviour complex. He sees himself as the one who will cleanse humanity of their ‘sins’, the one that will burden this task. It does also seem to be more complex than just that though.

If we go off the assumption that Fyodor does genuinely believe himself to be doing the correct thing, that he thinks by wiping out ability users he is making the world a safer place, then we could also assume that he intends to include himself. That his current path is one of self destruction. 

We could also presume that Fyodor sees himself as a sinner, as much as any other ability user. The only difference being that his ability appears to be a manifestation of death, meaning he is the perfect one to carry out God’s will. Fyodor has good intentions, just a less than savoury execution to put it lightly.

This however is all speculation, and we won’t know for certain until it’s revealed in the manga (hopefully through a backstory please Asagiri I am on my knees).

Religious beliefs

Now despite all of Fyodor’s religious jargon I don’t believe it’s ever actually stated whether or not he is actually religious (and if so what faith he practises) or if all his religious talk is merely a justification and not something he himself actually believes.

I’ve seen some people speculate that he has some form of religious trauma or that he’s orthodox in belief, hence why he is the way he is, but once again we don’t know for certain.

[47crayons]

so, you want to write a musician?

about me: i play viola and have experience in symphony orchestras, string orchestras, string quartets (+ a few other small ensembles), and solo performances. i've done some light composition, and have friends/family who play other instruments. while my musical history is extensive, by no means do i know everything or speak for everyone.

this guide will focus on classical music/how to portray classical musicians and things that aren't as easily researched.

quick overview of instruments in a typical symphony orchestra

upper strings (violin, viola), lower strings (cello, (double) bass; i've seen viola included here too, but it's more commonly classified as upper strings)

strings also technically includes harp and piano

woodwinds (flute, oboe, clarinet, bassoon)

depending on instrumentation, they may also have piccolo, english horn, bass clarinet, contrabassoon

saxophones are not traditionally in symphony orchestras due to it being a relative newer instrument! but this is changing because more contemporary composes are including sax parts

brass (trumpet, trombone, bass trombone, tuba, euphonium)

percussion (depends heavily on instrumentation, but common instruments are bass drum, timpani, snare, crash cymbal, xylophone, marimba)

some things you should research

where the hands are supposed to go!! i'd recommend you look at pictures of professionals in orchestra settings (ny phil, cso, berlin phil are all top tier). some musicians *coughs at yoyo ma* have less than perfect posture when they're performing solos (for the same reasons famous authors can break "rules")

necessary equipment including reeds, rockstops, different kinds of sticks/mallets, rosin, mouth pieces for whatever instrument you're writing

common misconceptions

loose/photocopied sheet music is not aesthetic—it's annoying and impossible to keep organized. folders and binders are fairly common especially when managing multiple ensembles.

original copies are often expensive and required to perform a piece (legally) for profit or otherwise (though i know a few people who have bent this rule)

not all performers are good composers (i myself have very little formal music theory training), but many composers have performance histories.

not all musicians can sing.

perfect pitch is both a blessing and a curse. notes can be slightly lower/higher but in tune with the context of the piece, which drives people with perfect pitch insane.

having perfect pitch does not guarantee someone will be a prodigy, and people don't need perfect pitch to be a talented musician.

drama in ensembles does exist, but it rarely gets in the way of rehearsal. same thing goes for good friends: if your characters have even a shred of common sense, they aren't going to be talking/messing around during rehearsal.

instruments (especially good ones) are extremely expensive. people very rarely store instruments on the wall or other displays for fear of falling.

instruments are very picky and require tuning every time. every time! it doesn't take long anyway. temperature and humidity can and will make instruments go out of tune or damage your instrument if not properly stored.

some people listen exclusively to classical music, but in my experience, that's definitely not the majority

like with anything, most musicians struggle with self doubt at one point or another.

musician culture

getting excited when we hear a piece we recognize

getting frustrated because we can't remember the name of the piece (after all, no lyrics to search)

being horrified when a non-musician actor is playing a musician. yes, we notice. yes, it's obvious.

if people are joking, it's likely to be about: violas (a quick search for "viola jokes" will tell you all you need to know) or trumpets (a reputation for being overly loud, playing and not)

putting stickers (places they toured, their orchestra, or just purely decorative) on cases is common, but not for everyone. same goes for pictures (of family, past concerts, or anything) on the inside.

scrambling for a pencil when the conductor says to mark something. pencils are a musicians best friend :D

asking (and forgetting) how to split double stops/two parts at the same time. sometimes one stand partner will play the top while the other plays the bottom, and sometimes this is split stand by stand.

this has NEVER resulted in a sexual top/bottom joke. please just. don't. also no g string jokes. it's just unrealistic.

awaiting the obligatory "it's one week before our concert, and you sound like this?!" lecture

not talking about music 100% of the time!!! they have lives outside of music (most of them, at least /j). especially to close friends, music is probably not going to be a conversation topic unless something is out of the ordinary (high stress, something funny from rehearsal, etc.)

bragging/talking about how often they practice is generally not welcomed. great, but other people don't need to hear it!

stages are hot and bright. there's no way a performer can see someone in the audience with the possible exception of the first row.

practicing

three words for you: love. hate. relationship.

slow practice (like really slow lots of people recommend half speed; good for focusing on the right notes, tone, phrasing, smooth transitions)

metronome practice (while playing, it's not annoying at all! it's helpful and requires a lot of focus; when NOT playing, it's annoying and loud because it needs to be heard over the playing)

drone practice (having a machine/website/another person play one note in the background; good for tuning and scales)

and too many more for me to detail

auditions

ensembles may have entrance auditions to determine who gets in and seating auditions to determine placement within the section.

adrenaline does not make us play better; it just makes us make mistakes. and then thinking about those mistakes causes more mistakes.

some instruments, especially those with less repertoire, have common excerpts that come up frequently (i can think of one in particular that i've played for three separate auditions this year).

stopping/starting over is not recommended ever, but if you do, it has to be 10x better. most audition judges aren't looking for perfection!! they want to see how your character can keep going after messing up.

sight reading (being given new music, having ~30 seconds to look at it, being asked to play) is never perfect. i don't care how talented your character is; if they think they nailed it, they aren't experienced enough to see all the phrasing/dynamics that they didn't incorporate. no one gets sight reading perfect!!!

perhaps most importantly, musicians are not all the same! they enjoy it for a number of different reasons and have diverse and interesting lives outside of music!!! more information about specific instrument groups under the cut :)

strings

callouses. with the exception of pianists, most string players (and especially professional ones) have callouses where they press down/pluck the strings. i also have one on my right thumb where i hold my bow. cellists and bassists might have them on their left thumb from playing higher notes in thumb position.

hickeys are also fairly common, though only some people get them. upper strings will get these by under their left jaw. cellists may have one from the wooden body resting on their sternum. some people (including hilary hahn and many many others) use a cloth for comfort and to prevent hickeys.

few people want a hickey, but it might suit a character who is constantly trying to prove themselves.

our fingers do not "glide" anywhere. you can get cuts/"string-burns" from pressing down too hard when shifting. cuts like those are the only reason someone's fingers will bleed, and it's rarer than you think.

upper strings are more prone to back/neck problems from the way they hold their instruments on one side. see also: shoulder pain.

finger cramps happen. they aren't too common, but most if not all strings have experienced at least one.

pianos require tuning every few years or else the chords will be out of tune. few pianists can tune their own instrument because of how complicated it is.

piano parts/accompaniments will have so. many. pages. a page turner may sit on the right of the pianist to turn the page.

woodwinds & brass

spit. so much spit. some instruments clean afterwards with a cloth; others have a spit valve which is as gross as it sounds.

proper embouchure, or how a musician uses the muscles in their face/lips, is tiring, and people actually get strong cheek muscles. they can also easily turn red, but it varies based on a person's facial complexion. see also: good lung capacity.

flute and piccolo are not dainty. piccolo requires as much air as a tuba. an old teacher of mine almost passed out playing piccolo when she was in college.

flutes and piccolos are high, but often not shrill depending on the level of the ensemble.

reeds last a few weeks (less if your character plays for hours a day) and can be expensive to buy.

keys and valves can get sticky especially on older instruments which can result in the wrong note or bad tone.

saxes, clarinets, flutes are more likely to "honk" on low notes.

oboes are more likely to feel "wispy" on high notes.

articulation comes from the tongue, especially for brass instruments, and conductors may ask for "tah" "pah" or "wah" sounds depending on the style of the piece.

percussion

callouses from the friction between hands and sticks/mallets.

there are so many types of sticks and mallets!!! make sure to take a look at what materials are good for what instruments/sounds.

cymbals, triangle, and bass drum are not easy to play, even though they look simple.

percussionists with the exception of timpani may play more than one instrument during a piece, and they're constantly moving around in the back during their rests.

percussion instruments are too expensive for most people to have everything they ever play. practice pads are very common in place of these instruments.

ability to play one instrument doesn't translate to different instruments. for example, many percussionists don't have experience playing set/drum set.

some of the things detailed here are heavily glossed over, so if you have any questions, i'd always be happy to talk about it with you; i may not have answers, but i will try to help as best i can!!!

since you read this far, have my favorite viola joke.

what's the difference between a violist and a large pizza?

a large pizza can feed a family of four :)

tagging some people who showed interest: @writing-is-a-martial-art @ashen-crest @kg-willie @owilder

[origami10]

2.22.2022 Happy 2sday!

Normal morning meeting except my password expired today and my computer just so happened to have updated and whatever the foul combination it ran into, it wouldn’t let me access my email. Problem for tomorrow though because today was Pittsburgh trip day again, since it was just for an appointment and the drive is so long, we went early and went to a crepe place for lunch, went to the appointment (and they were limiting visitors so I got to wait in the lobby and work on my cross stitch), then went to Whole Foods to get some stuff (they had macaron ice cream sandwiches, but the ice cream ratio was way too high, if I can be particular about something so picky), then got dinner at a Korean restaurant, and then did some more shopping at the supermarket where we parked. I got a couple new kinds of oreos and some tea, etc. Ah, I gotta remember where I put the juice and chocolate in my trunk… One thing that was interesting at the supermarket was that they had sake from Japan and wine from the winery practically down the road from my house on nearby shelves, it was just kinda funny to see them both there together.

So that was today, it was pretty great! We also talked about counters in Japanese a bunch, plus Ayano Tsuji and some other things. Uh, yeah. Oh, pictures!

I was going to say I went to a children’s hospital and didn’t even see any red smears for decoration, but then I did… (and it even turned into a painting of a cello)

[opbackgrounds]

I would love it if you did a post on Brook and why he is awesome

Okay, so first things, like Robin, my love for Brook is in no way objective. I love music, and as a kid I took lessons for violin, piano, viola, and cello. I know how to sing an alto line and will listen to just about anything once, just to know what it sounds like. There are few things that give me more joy than learning about new artists or interments. I’m going to get into this more once we hit the Skypiea arc, but One Piece has a surprising musicality for a medium that doesn’t convey sound. Yes, the anime exists, but Oda has gone out of his way to make music an important part of a story that’s originally nothing but paper and ink, and I think that’s something that’s worth talking about.

More than that, I’ve been a nurse for almost ten years now, and I’ve worked that entire time in long term care. My entire career is based around taking care of old people, and in some ways Brook reminds me of some of the residents I’ve had, many of whom have passed on. 

Most shonen series are focused on characters who are kids. It makes sense—they’re the same age as the target audience, and therefore easy to relate to. Heck, the first six crew members are teenagers when they’re introduced, and I’m sure that was intentional on Oda’s part. 

But since then, each new Straw Hat Pirate has been an adult, with adult circumstances and problems. Brook, in particular, deals with trauma that is almost always unique to his stage of life. 

There is a specific type of grief that comes with aging that’s hard to describe unless you deal with it every day. It’s quieter, less noticeable to the point other people tend to forget about it unless you bring it up. Which in turn tends to exacerbate everyone around you, because why should you still be sad that your siblings died 15 years ago, or your last surviving friend just got diagnosed with cancer, or you’re not able to do the things you once enjoyed because of your arthritis? You’re old. That’s what happens to old people. 

(As an aside, I think we as a culture could stand to be nicer to the elderly, but that’s a topic for another day.)

Brook is an old man. He has literally died and come back to life and has outlived everyone he knew from Before. The tragedy of his story isn’t a punch in the gut like it is for a lot of One Piece flashbacks, but the slowly dawning horror when you realize that he was alone for fifty years. 

Fifty. Years. 

I wrote on my main once about how Brook’s backstory and induction into the crew is written differently than the other Straw Hats (https://creative-type.tumblr.com/post/166349846101/tragedy-without-melodrama). His flashback comes at the very end of Thriller Bark, after the climax of the story. Imagine getting Robin’s backstory after “I wanna live” or Nami’s after the walk to Arlong Park. It just doesn’t work. 

That’s because Brook’s flashback is about closure. The audience already knows his connection to Laboon. We already know how he came to be a skeleton. We already know why his ‘fro is so important to him. We know all there is to know, so Oda lets the Rumbar Pirates have their swan song with grace and dignity, allowing Brook to move seamlessly into his second chance at life. 

There are three Straw Hats that deal with the theme of loneliness in some way: Chopper, Robin, and Brook. Chopper was rejected, Robin persecuted, and Brook was physically isolated. There’s no doubting that sailing alone on a broken ship with nothing but the bones of his dead friends for company took its toll (I for one don’t think Brook’s completely sane) but despite struggling with his burden of loneliness the longest, Brook doesn’t have the angst Robin and Chopper suffered through during their main arcs. He has somehow remained unflinchingly, relentlessly positive and optimistic, despite having every reason not to be. He says it best during his introduction—He’s just glad to be alive.

And again, maybe it’s because I deal with the elderly almost every day, but that means something to me. Getting old isn’t for the faint of heart, and while Brook doesn’t have the same ailments that tend to plague most older people, he’s never going to be mistaken as a regular person. He’s a living, breathing (without lungs!) skeleton. He clings to the only bit of him that remains unchanged from his first life because he’s terrified of what might happen if he relinquishes that last bit of normalcy, but he doesn’t obsess about what he’s lost. Instead he tries new things, makes new friends, goes out on a new adventure. Brook isn’t content to just be alive, he wants to truly live. 

It’s this mindset that helps us understand his role in the crew. There is nothing about Brook that is necessary. He’s a swordsmen whose skills pale to Zoro’s. The Straw Hats made it 400 chapters without him, and they could have gone 400 more if they had to. His dream in no way affects the main plot. But the Straw Hat Pirates without Brook is like life without music. Sure, you can get by, but he makes the good times better and the difficult times a little bit easier to bear, both with his music and by simple virtue of who he is as a person. 

I want to be Brook when I’m 90 years old. Heck, I’d consider it a win if I could be half as positive as he is. I’m so thankful Oda decided to include him in his story, because I think kids need to be exposed to characters who aren’t aren’t their age. 

There’s so much more I could cover here, but this is getting pretty long so I’ll end by saying I think Brook’s powers are cool as hell and I laugh at his stupid puns more often than I should. To see his progression from Thriller Bark to the confidence he displayed during Whole Cake Island was a delight, and I hope he gets more time to shine in Wano. I mean what good is getting old if you don’t use your privilege to sass Emperors?

And, no, his panty jokes to bother me. Like I said, my love for Brook is irrational, and I think he’s hilarious. I bet he’s got a collection of them hidden away somewhere from fan girls, and you know what? Good for him. 

[extraordinarilyextreme]

finally watched Guardian (2018) and i need to talk

Warning: contains MASSIVE SPOILERS, probably too much music/song analysis, my poor translations from Chinese to English, and some references to the original novel (disclaimer: my novel-reading was mostly jumping around because i have a problem where I’m not fluent enough to read the original Chinese novel and I don’t usually like English translations)

1. the freakin opening theme: We Won’t Be Falling by Chen Xueran... (also I see you Tina Guo on the cello thank you queen)

the amount of chills i get every time an episode starts,,, fantastic! marvelous! the lyrics are very VERY apt to the story of Guardian, esp this drama adaptation

(“We are the one/We will be holding on/For the promise we held for life/For the people we love are leaving” ... “And the story will keep on going”)

1.1. the promise? may i direct you to novel chapter 75? 

Shen Wei: “Sometimes I think if one day you can remember everything, then I will be able to say to you: look, I did it, I did all that I had promised you; not one bit did I miss, not one word did I go back on.”

they promise to keep the peace, to protect both Haixing and Dixing; and in the show, it’s a promise they keep with their lives

2. Zhu Yilong plays THREE characters and is able to differentiate them perfectly with particular microexpressions

-Ye Zun (literally, “Respect the Night”; “Lord/Master of the Night” would be a better title) sets off my fight-or-flight instincts even though i think his name tries a little too hard to be edgy; the way he sneers, the smiles that don’t reach his eyes, also that infamous tongue flick when Zhao Yunlan sees through the act... i think it’s both great and sad that Yunlan could differentiate the twins because, why, Shen Wei would never be so openly flirtatious (and wear a deep-cut shirt like that lol)... the delivery of “Xiao Yunlan” disturbed me so much—wonderful, stellar acting

-Black Cloaked Envoy: does his best to bend the rules where he can for the Dixingren because he’s just so fundamentally GOOD; he’s empathetic despite how stern and strict he seems to be, and how much he claims to enforce the clearly-cut laws... he’s an absolute babie ten thousand years ago (Yunlan, doesn’t it hurt your conscience to flirt with such a babie?)

-Shen Wei: in the novel, his name (both surname and first name) are given to him by Kun Lun’s incarnations—there’s a lot of power in naming something, in naming someone; he’s good-natured and gentle, always polite... he pushes up the glasses [that he doesn’t need] a lot, perhaps because he’s used to pushing up his mask as the Envoy

2.1. i find it very striking that Shen Wei dies without his glasses; he doesn’t die as the Envoy, he doesn’t die as the Professor; he dies as a person, as the person who loves Yunlan the most and has loved Yunlan for ten thousand years

2.2. the other notable moments we see Shen Wei without his glasses are where he apologizes to Yunlan [and Yunlan apologizes at the same time because they’re pining idiots] for not noticing the camera in his office, where he sets aside all his pride as Envoy and Professor and kneels in the rain for the man he loves (lwj kneeling after visiting the Burial Mounds, yea?), and of course after he slices up an orange [cuz food = love] only to find Yunlan asleep and drapes his jacket over the silly silly man... anyway, Yunlan is indeed the only person Shen Wei is comfortable enough to reveal everything to, all defenses and masks (literal and figurative) lowered

2.3. that last instance (ep 26) is when Shen Wei pulls out his necklace and reminisces as he gazes fondly at Yunlan; the song that plays during this is 《乱心曲》or “Chaotic Heart Song”... may I direct you to novel chapter 65 where Yunlan finds all the paintings and pictures his Xiao Wei has kept from the centuries?

“邓林之阴初见昆仑君，惊鸿一瞥，乱我心曲。” which translates to “In the shade of the woods I first saw Kunlun-jun; a glimpse of his grace wrought chaos in my heart’s song”

2.4. but also let’s not forget the [in]famous cut wrist scene of ep 23, where our dear Shen Wei, without glasses, as a person who loves Yunlan—not the aloof Envoy or the well-spoken Professor—is reduced to two words: “Worth it.” Yunlan is worth everything to him; this goes without question, without a second thought. Kun Lun (Yunlan) told him not to regret whatever decisions he’ll make, and Ye Zun scolds and laughs at his brother for giving up his life for a human/Haixingren, but of course Shen Wei doesn’t regret dying to protect Yunlan, dying to protect Haixing. (also, peep the behind-the-scenes where Shen Wei grabs Yunlan’s hand for a moment as he blocks the attack from Ye Zun)

2.5. on this same train of thought, Da Qing brings up a line from ten thousand years ago where Shen Wei claimed he would never kill unless it was for the world... and, well, he kills for Yunlan doesn’t he?

3. Bai Yu plays our charismatic Chief Zhao Yunlan/Kun Lun and hoo boy does he do an excellent job; the found family vibes of the SIU are spectacular and the way he flirts with tries to recruit Professor Shen is endearing and touching

3.1. there’s another piece from the OST called 《一点真心》, translated to “A Little Sincerity” though I would use “A Bit of a Sincere Heart” because it too references the novel

Kun Lun’s confession to Xiao Wei: “我富有天下名山大川，想起来也没什么稀奇的，不过就是一堆烂石头野河水，浑身上下，大概也就只有这几分真心能上秤卖上两斤，你要？拿去。” [I’m rich with famed mountains and endless rivers under heaven, but none of it feels rare when I think about it. It’s all just a pile of broken stones and uncultivated streams. From head to toe, there is probably only this bit of my sincere heart that is worth anything weighed on a scale. You want it? Take it.]

Zhao Yunlan’s confession to Shen Wei: “我别的东西也有，只是你可能大多都看不上，只有这一点真心……你要是不接着，那就算了吧。” [I have other things, only you probably would not think much of them. There’s only this bit of my sincere heart... If you don’t want to catch it, then forget it.)

And Shen Wei’s reply to Yunlan’s confession is of course “我接住了。” [I’ve caught it.]

3.2. the novel is a happy ending because Xiao Guo’s important role actually plays a part (i literally don’t understand why the show couldn’t do that after they built up so many expectations about his good character/merit/inability to be corrupted but ANYWAY)... Shen Wei, Xiao Wei, the little Ghost King has a soul and wow isn’t that just beautiful after everything he did to become worthy/deserving of Kun Lun’s attention and love

4. the Zhang Ruonnan and Wang Yike (death-touch Dixingren) case in ep 3 is an obvious parallel to the “brotherly” relationship of WeiLan... Shen Wei’s line of “Many tragedies were destined from the start” references the show of course but also the paradoxical precognition that marks the drama version of WeiLan; in both of their “first meetings”, one of them was always already in love with the other—Yunlan, as Kun Lun, knew he would have to return to his own time at some point and thus doom this impressionable young Envoy to ten thousand years of waiting and Shen Wei (honestly in a Code Geass Lelouch kinda style) knew he would have to die to defeat his brother

4.1. the importance of “touch” in this case alludes to novel WeiLan, where of course Shen Wei watched over all of Kun Lun’s incarnations but wasn’t allowed to get close to him because hungry ghosts would inevitably devour the essence of the people around them; similarly Yike was terrified of touching Ruonnan all this time... but Ruonnan accepted her (just like how novel Kun Lun lets this intriguing little Ghost King trail after him)

4.2. speaking of Shen Wei’s grand plans and the idea of “knowing”, Yunlan reminds him that “You are not a weapon/blade, you are a person.” and wow once again, only Yunlan can pull the humanity from Shen Wei, who has carefully crafted his disguise and personality to fit what people expect of the Envoy and the Professor... but alas, Shen Wei fulfills his promise by in fact making himself a weapon; he poisons himself to become a bomb that will take down his brother

4.3. as many qualms and complaints as I have with Chinese censorship, much in the case of WangXian, i think i prefer the drama version of WeiLan to the novel version; the plot of the Guardian novel is a lot better in my opinion (with references to mythology and legends, as opposed to, what, aliens?? mutants from X-Men? quirks in My Hero Academia??) and yea the relationship of Kun Lun with Xiao Wei is built up a lot better and makes more sense than the time-travel of Yunlan masquerading as Kun Lun with Shen Wei... but there’s an unadulterated, unconditional kind of love that runs through the drama, whereas the novel had some darker (though probably more realistic) vibes of near-possessiveness and ulterior motives... Kun Lun/Yunlan in the novel can be, well, cruel, which is not necessarily out of character; it’s just seems a little wrong to me that you could threaten your partner in a relationship (if you keep things from me again, i really will turn against you + had i known xyz would happen, i really should have killed you)... plus i’m always a sucker for love without an “i love you”, a love that’s conveyed entirely through actions and gazes

5. Yunlan asks Zhou Weiwei (the mirror case) where her jacket was bought because he “wants to get one for [his] girlfriend” and lo and behold, what similarly-styled and colored coat does our Shen Wei show up in a few episodes later? (also the fact that Shen Wei dies wearing this jade-ish-blue-ish coat)

6. boyfriend jacket during the Moutain-River Awl case... boyfriend jacket!!!! Shen Wei claims he doesn’t need it and well he still wears it anyway because Yunlan’s love is unstoppable

6.1. the way Shen Wei grabs Yunlan’s elbow before running down the hill

6.2. Shen Wei being so freaking fine-tuned to Yunlan’s discomfort/pain as always that he drinks wine for him (and passes out immediately—heroics/bde of yllz! wwx and the alcohol tolerance of our dear lwj)

6.2.1. when Minister Gao brings up Yunlan’s dad and the Chief’s hands tighten... and of course nothing can go by Shen Wei, so he changes the topic of the conversation; also the way he leans forward as if to shield Yunlan

6.2.2. Yunlan is similarly Aware of his boyfriend’s boundaries; cue him politely excusing themselves from the dinner with Vice-Minister Guo when Shen Wei (of all people!) fumbles with his chopsticks

6.2.3. Yunlan also blocks Shen Wei from Minister Gao’s sight (subconsciously?) after that wedding showdown... even though he’s unhappy that Shen Wei has kept the identity of the Envoy from him, he trusts the other man enough to recognize there must be a reason; thus he doesn’t want other people to pry into the possibility that Shen Wei is a Dixingren

6.3. also, also that Shen Wei lets Yunlan have his way and use him as a pillow in the car once again (he also adjusts the actual pillow beneath Yunlan’s head to make it more comfortable)

6.3.1 the other Shen-Wei-is-Yunlan’s-pillow scene is when the professor picks up the poor hurting Chief off the road and in the taxi ride home... apparently this was an improvised scene from Bai Yu who just wanted to mess with Long-ge and our great Zhu Yilong just stayed in character and ran with it

6.3.2. the other notable improvised scene is the cute “Black Cloaked gege~ please be careful~ there’s someone is waiting for you at home~” [sorry that i don’t remember the exact line] but once again our great leading actors just stay perfectly in character

6.4. after Shen Wei wakes up from a night of being drunk (lol) Yunlan has left a note for him “I’ve gone back first, stay in touch. -Zhao” and what’s that on the corner of the note? why it’s a winky face

7. when Yunlan grabs the fake Zhang Danni’s wrist to confirm his suspicions, Shen Wei narrows his eyes... (lol is our Black Cloaked gege jealous)

8. when Yunlan claims he can swallow the painkillers dry, Shen Wei clenches his jaw in his anger at this idiot of a man for not taking better care of himself... you’ll find that a lot of Shen Wei’s anger is directed toward his husband being a self-sacrificial fool

8.1. after Yunlan uses the Hallows again and his nose begins to bleed, Zhu Yilong in all his acting glory has Shen Wei furious to the point that his lips tremble (cue Shen Wei angrily shoving a handkerchief into his husband’s face) [i really want to know if they ever broke character during this scene due to their proximity lol]

8.1.1. Shen Wei all but invades Yunlan’s personal space (he really does stand there between Yunlan’s legs guys) and he’s so careful even though he’s angry as he tries to stop the nosebleed; he’s aware the force might tip Yunlan backwards, so he immediately rests his hands on Yunlan’s thighs/knees to steady him

9. Yunlan has claimed that he doesn’t do things for the sake of gaining anything in return and yet every time he’s wanted things from dear Shen Wei... “take off your mask and smile for me”, “join the SID”... the sexual tension is Unreal during these scenes lol, you can see Shen Wei swallow visibly in anticipation + babie Shen Wei of ten thousand years prior all but chokes on his words when he promises to do ANYTHING Kun Lun wants him to do (honey where is your mind GOING???)

9.1. Bai Yu does have a bruise on his knee after the scene where Yunlan asks Shen Wei for something... dunno if it’s the actor’s bruise or the character’s bruise, but if it’s the character’s bruise—how did he get it? what exactly did WeiLan do that evening lol

9.2. also peep the fact that Yunlan almost always has a lollipop in his mouth when talking to Shen Wei... oral fixation much? (also the whole sequence where he tries to explain how to eat a lollipop to babie Shen Wei, wow the amount of homoerotic tension)

9.3. babie Shen Wei’s ears and cheeks are SO RED when Yunlan snatches the mask off his face

10. Yunlan’s hairstyle changes after Shen Wei joins the SIU (joins his family), much like how a bride would change her hairstyle after marriage in China ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (random note but CQL WangXian does this too when lwj puts his hair down/styled over the front of his shoulders when wwx wakes up 16 years later)

11. the first time we see Shen Wei spit up blood, there’s an echo of “Xiao Wei” faintly and Shen Wei mutters to himself “Xiao Lan” before looking up and saying louder “Zhao Yunlan” (nicknames/pet names/names only your family or lover can call you... this trope is good)

11.1. i also think a lot about how in the novel Kun Lun muses before he dies that it’s a shame he won’t see this Little Beauty [Xiao Wei] grow up to be a Great Beauty 

12. Shen Wei’s funny little eyebrow raise when Yunlan accidentally reveals he broke into the professor’s apartment once ( “riiiiiiiiight i definitely believe you”)

12.1. though the ep 23 scene is angsty, the fact Yunlan says “It’s the middle of the night, were you hungry?” seems to imply their relationship is a lot closer than just neighbors... they’re probably used to sharing an apartment/room at this point :)

13. when Yunlan is hurt, Zhu Hong looks to him but he only has eyes for Shen Wei

13.1. after Yunlan is blinded, Zhu Hong is the one cradling him but he calls for Shen Wei first and reaches for his hand; Shen Wei of course responds immediately “it’s me”

13.1.1. both times after Yunlan gets his eyesight back, the first thing he sees is the person who loves him the most

14. Shen Wei warms up the congee in the morning with his magic after he watches over Yunlan when his stomach pain acts up (domestic use of magic? yes please)

15. the bomb defusing scene in the hospital (video game -> reality case) really is framed like a wedding proposal... also the way that Shen Wei smirks lol he’s so proud of his husband

16. after his Envoy identity is revealed, Shen Wei all but abuses his Black Cloaked Envoy voice to stop his stupid husband from doing stupid things that will hurt himself and every time Yunlan is properly sh00k by it

16.1. we really go from Chief Zhao remarking in the Mountain-River Awl case that he’s used to ordering people around, not receiving orders to married bickering with Shen Wei to then agreeing to everything Shen Wei tells him to do

17. the fact that “Shen Wei, ah, Shen Wei... You are such a good person, how could I bear to let you go?” is an actual line from the censored DRAMA astounds me, nevermind that Shen Wei just made breakfast for his man and Yunlan is basically pouting up at him from the bed

17.1. the way Yunlan’s dad warns him to stay away from Shen Wei and Yunlan responds with something like “he’s sincerely good to me, I want to be with him”... “be with him”???? [inhales deeply] yea this is definitely a “brotherly relationship”

18. Yunlan’s “WOW” after the Envoy kills the monsters in the cave of the Mountain-River Awl case is hilarious and i dont understand how such a noise is physically possible,,, it sounds like a growl?????

18.1. Zhu Yilong was asked to mimic it during an interview (which he did not do and only half-heartedly gave a “wow”) and then Bai Yu did it again

19. also i inevitably got attached to the side ship of Lao Chu and Xiao Guo... they have so much skinship for a censored “brotherly relationship” lmao

the amount of face-touching and hand-holding that they do is unreal... they’re more canon than WeiLan in the drama adaptation methinks 

20. 《时间飞行》or “Flying Across Time” sounds like Yunlan’s reply to Shen Wei’s《只是太在意》or “Just Cared Too Much”

20.1. the lyrics of both these songs really cements this idea that both of WeiLan believe the other to be too good... Kun Lun was a god in the novel, and Xiao Wei was just a soulless little Ghost King... and then we have the incorrigible Chief Zhao pining after the beautiful and kind Professor Shen... i just have a lot of feelings about them becoming better people for each other, that their love really does make each other stronger

21. my favorite two pieces from the OST are Shen Wei’s theme (arranged by Kun Luo) and Kun Lun’s theme (arranged by Chen Xueran)

head’s up: it’s been like four years since i last even glanced at music theory so a lot of this might just make no sense to an actual professional

-Shen Wei: written in 4/4 time, Ab Major, melody is primarily carried by piano + strings; the piano almost sticks exclusively to triplets whereas the strings are in steady whole, quarter, and eighth notes—which creates in interesting impressionistic effect, kind of like hazy smoke or the ripples across the surface of a lake; every single measure uses decrescendo, so the first triplet is always the loudest and the three that follow get progressively softer (mimicking an echo)... the piece ends on the seventh note of the scale, which is usually a pretty awkward place to end and yet it doesn’t feel wrong it all; the piece uses a ritardando in the last three measures, and we simply drift off with that last G... i think it’s a beautifully written piece that perfectly portrays such a complex character as Shen Wei, someone who loved with everything he had, and was just so overwhelmingly good... and then he simply disappears as if the dream has ended. it makes me think of how he guarded over Kun Lun/Zhao Yunlan for thousands of years in the novel, never ever ever daring to meet him... and yet the other man always felt like he was waiting for someone

-Kun Lun: written in 3/4 time, a minor, there’s no real complex shift in the melody although there’s brief modulation into E major (dominant/fifth note); it’s a fairly somber piece, especially when the strings join in... it’s a steady waltz, and it finishes with the scale (second to last major is g, last major is a), like a circle coming back around [like their love story perhaps?]... there’s a finality to it, a completeness, a wholeness, which makes sense in the drama-verse because the moment Yunlan takes up the name of Kun Lun is when his love story with Shen Wei all fits together. the piece feels a little lonely in its minor key and all, a little sad, indeed as if you were standing at the top of a mountain surrounded by clouds and mist... the constant meter also reminds me of like the steady drip of water, the perpetual and inevitable passage of the days and time

-i don’t really understand how because the keys of the two pieces don’t fit together easily, but somehow it doesn’t feel wrong to play the pieces back to back; the melodies of both seem to call upon each other despite the differences in key and time signature, so it actually feels right. a circle without a beginning or an ending, wouldn’t you want your love to be so infinite?

-when yunlan finds shen wei in their bubble outside of time, when shen wei is about to leave him, shen wei is wearing the outfit of their first meeting. and the lyrics go “Across time, I am in the same place”... surely, they will find each other again.

[antpernas]

7/14/2021

Whoo! Okay!! Getting back into a rhythm again :D I got thrown off around July 4th weekend because of all the people my parents brought over, and then since then I just haven't been sleeping right. But today was really good! Not much has happened since then, other than me getting back into video games and all the usual chore stuff.

Anyway, today was really good! I took some Benadryl to knock myself out last night and WOW I don't know why I haven't done that to fix my sleep schedule before. Will definitely do that the next time I get thrown out of my routine.

I changed up my diet schedule a bit, I'm going to be having a bigger lunch and less "snacks" throughout the day, I'm hoping it'll help me actually get in all the calories I'm hoping to. Morning was normal, I ate and did the dishes, had Physics (a fucking headache but I'll survive, I think), and all that fun stuff. Eventually got around to getting ready for the gym, hauling a giant ass tree out of the bed of the truck (we all switched cars since my mom wanted to get this new tree), then heading out. Leg days always make me light-headed, so I'm thinking I'm either pushing too hard, have poor technique, or am just not used to doing leg days so often. I'm going to try and be disciplined when it comes to lower body now, since I've been ignoring her quite a bit! Plus, you have to develop your assets B)

After that I brought my mom some coffee, made a Starbucks bagel sandwich that tasted way worse than I remembered, delivered a medicine, then got home and practiced Cello! Was originally planning to play piano too, but then I had dinner and showered and all that, and I'm still deciding between hitting the keys or just taking it easy and relaxing before bed.

Okay, so finally starting something I've been wanting to do for a while, dissecting my thoughts and feelings at the end of my journals!

As of recent, I've been feeling really down about school and my direction in life, but today reminded me that as long as I'm happy and healing, for now, that's all I need to focus on. Everything will fall into place as far as my livelihood and future go, and even *if* I fail a class or two, that won't change.

Otherwise, I've been talking to this really sweet guy but now I feel TOTALLY silly because I think I've entirely been misreading our interactions! All this time I thought he was interested in me, but today he vented about some issues he's having with his boyfriend and I was caught superrr off-guard. It's not a BAD thing at all, I was feeling guilty about the fact that I wasn't sure if I liked him back, which kind of stems back to Scorpio and how I'm not sure if I'll ever fall for someone like I did for him... And that in itself isn't a problem, since I'm tired of these spontaneous, explosive romances happening out of nowhere; it's okay for me to not feel love at first sight. But how do I develop a relationship without it? A potential partner deserves someone who is enthusiastic and assured about their attraction, not someone who is apprehensive and questioning. I don't want to "settle" for someone I don't assuredly feel an attraction to, but if that attraction isn't there from the start, then what? Do I wait for it to come along, or do I just communicate from the start that I'm not sure? Regardless, though, this situation with this boy in particular is good because 1) now I don't have to worry about that stuff with him anymore, and 2) it's reminded me that I can't assume there's a romantic attraction just because someone of the same sex starts texting me!

The only "problem" that's arisen out of this, though (which has also kind of already existed), is knowing how much to text him now. We were getting along over music, something I NEVER will exhaust myself talking about. I already didn't want to seem overbearing, but now I REALLY don't want to be inappropriate or intrusive, given his relationship. I might talk to him about it, but it's made me realize in general that I don't really have a reference for what a "good" amount of communication between friends (specifically gays) is since I'm always the first one reaching out, and even in the majority of those cases I just don't get a response. It's... weird. I want to establish consistent and healthy friendships with people that I have things in common with, though! I think I'll just talk to him about it and see what he prefers/says.

Lots of thoughts, but these are the main ones. Hopefully over the next couple diaries I'll be able to make a habit of airing out what's on my mind.

[keyofjetwolf]

@cello-moon submitted:

SO! Submitting as this is long. You certainly don’t need to publish it if you don’t want to!

Tipsy Sumerian/Akkadian Mythology 101 as relevant to Camilla.

Our Relevant Mythological Cast

The Dean - Inanna later known as Ishtar, the Goddess of Love, War, and the Sky

The Death Goddess - Ereshkigal, Queen of Kur, sometimes called Irkalla/Irgal (depending on the translator), the land of the dead

These two are sisters, possibly twins depending on the translation.

(also named dropped are 2 of the 4 members of the Silas Board of Governors - Enki, Patron of Eridu, God of Knowledge, Mischief, and Seawater who is the sentience behind the Library originally and the Owl Lady whom Laf calls as Ukuku, the prophetess of Eridu.)

So mythology backstory as paraphrased from memory (and let me preface this with, scholars argue which of these myths happened first because they both reference the other at some points as if the other one happened first.)

Epic of Gilgamesh - King Gilgamesh (the main character of the Epic) is the 5th King of Uruk - the city Inanna is patron of - and he’s kind-of an arrogant bag of dicks (example: he’s credited with starting the practice of prima nocta). Inanna decides she wants to take Gilgamesh as her lover and consort and refuses to take no for an answer when he turns her down. Specifically, he mentions that she got her husband trapped in the underworld, has generally mistreated many of her previous lovers and he wants no part of her lack of … non-sexual care for her lovers. She goes to some of the higher ranking gods in the Sumerian hierarchy and basically throws a temper tantrum demanding that they hand Gugalanna, the Bull of Heaven, over to her to best Gilgamesh in combat and make him agree to her demands. If they won’t hand Gugalanna over for her to use, she threatens to tear down the gates to the underworld and let loose the dead to devour the living.

One problem here? Gugalanna is Ereshkigal’s husband.

Another problem here? Gilgamesh and Enkidu, his Best Friend/Lover (depending on the interpretation/translation) kill Gugalanna and Enkidu decides to desecrate the body by tearing off the bull’s right thigh and throwing it at Inanna’s head.

Descent of Inanna - there are 2 majorly different version of this poem - the Sumerian one and the Akkadian one.

Sumerian - Inanna decides she’s going to visit her sister, Ereshkigal to attend the funeral rites for her dearly departed brother-in-law, you know, the one Inanna got killed in the Epic of Gilgamesh. This pisses Ereshkigal off so she orders the 7 gates of Kur bared shut and sends her gatekeeper to only allow Inanna through each gate after something is sacrificed/removed. St the first gate, it’s her scepter of power, further gates are jewelry, armor, clothing, ect (all standing for some mastery or strength) and at the last gate she must give up her Divinity to enter Ereshkigal’s throne room - naked and moral. Ereshkigal screams at her, kills her, and chains and mounts her body on a meat hook in her throne room for all the dead to see.

Three days later, Inanna’s handmaiden goes to the other gods of the Sumerian hierarchy asking for help for her mistress. Only Enki agrees to help - sending two divine spirits made from the dirt under his fingernails to help. They retrieve Inanna’s corpse and one gives her their life and the other their divinity to restore Inanna to her original state. Ereshkigal demands a replacement for the no-longer-in-Kur Inanna and, through a series of not relevant to Carmilla events, Inanna’s husband Dumzuid is trapped in Kur forever.

Akkadian - Inanna decides to conquer the underworld for no stated reason other than perhaps shits and giggles and encounters the same 7 gates where she must remove her the same clothing, jewelry, makeup, and divinity. In a rage, when Inanna reaches the throne room, she tackles Ereshkigal and they engage in combat where Inanna loses, is imprisoned in her mortal flesh, and inflicted with 60 diseases. While Inanna is being held in the underworld because she is a goddess of love, no sex can happen on Earth. It takes 3 days for the other gods realize this, come together, and ask Ereshkigal to give Inanna the water of life and restore her to her original state.

Plus, there’s a whole lot of blink (or be unfamiliar with this mythology) and you’ll miss it foreshadowing and namedropping happening even as far back as season 1 indicating that the Sumerian language may be important/relevant, since it just kept popping up in various ways. I’d be happy to point out some of them to you, but I remember from the SU Freezer Friendship Bracelet Shenanigans from ages past that you usually prefer to notice or choose not to notice them yourself.

Hopefully this makes somewhat sense and you can see where the Carmilla authors took inspiration, pulled themes and such, and how it’s similar to what they did in Season 1 with the Sheridan Le Fanu Carmilla novel being a close, but not perfectly accurate record of what happened in the show’s past and what is happening in that season.

(AND HEY! Carmilla doesn’t have to be over unless you want it to! There’s still the movie, if you’re up for it!)

and:

I FORGOT TO INCLUDE THIS PARAGRAPH IN THE SUMERIAN SUMMARY! OH GOSH! THE REASON INANNA'S HUSBAND IS PICKED AS THE ONE TO GET STUCK IN THE UNDERWORLD IS BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY ONE NOT WEARING MOURNING CLOTHING/MOURNING FOR INANNA. HE WAS JUST SWANNING AROUND IN HIS DIVINE FINERY WHILE SHE WAS TEMP DEAD. SO REGARDLESS OF IF IT WAS GILGAMESH OR HER HUSBAND WHO WAS MEANT TO BE HER BELOVED RAISED BY THE PORTAL, NEITHER OF THEM WOULD BE HAPPY TO SEE HER. YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT DUDE LEAVING HER ON READ.

I need you to know how delighted your conclusion made me. MY SHITPOST TIME WAS WELL-SPENT

All of this was super fascinating, thank you for writing it up! I still can’t stop laughing at the particular Venn diagram for all this, it’s amazing and a full 60% of the charm of the whole thing, I love it. If you’re still moved to do so, please feel free to send me the specific bits you mention in S1!

(I’ll contact you privately on the movie!)

[ladym-rules]

30 Questions

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 5 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

Thanks for the tag @virareve !

Name/nickname: Lady M, Empress M, M

Gender: Female

Star sign: Capricorn

Height: 5′2”

Birthday: December

Time: 10pm

Favorite bands: I’ve been listening to a lot of musical theater lately. Escapism!

Favorite solo artists: I’m obsessed with a few particular songs rather than artists right now. A cover of “Both Side Now” by Josh Groban and Sara Bareilles. “POP/STARS” by K/DA. “Wings” by Little Mix.

Song stuck in my head: Tannhauser Pilgrims’ Chorus by Wagner. I was helping my boys prepare a piano duet for my dad’s birthday, since he loves this piece of music. They played it approximately 100 times today to learn it, and it may never leave my head.

Last movie: The Prom (on Netflix) – delightfully funny! 

Last show: Completed: The Mandalorian (love Baby Yoda!). Started: Bridgerton 

When did I create this blog: 2020

What do I post: Entirely Jaime x Brienne here

Last thing googled: The Mace of the House of Representatives 

Other blogs: None on tumblr, but I used to blog on Google Blogger!

Do I get asks: I haven’t requested any. Perhaps I should?

Why I chose my url: I’ve been Lady M online for ages. At some point, I joined a platform where the name wasn’t available, so I started upgrading (countess, baroness, queen, captain, commander, admiral), until I found a title that was free. And that’s how I became Empress M.

Following: 70

Followers: 106

Average hours of sleep: Between 6-7 hours

Lucky number: I used to say 13, but I’ve never felt strongly about it 

Instruments: Piano and cello

What am I wearing: Layers of fleece, legwarmers, fuzzy socks. I get cold easily.

Dream job: Prolific fiction author

Dream trip: NYC once the theatre district opens again! And Scotland/Ireland. And Italy/Spain. And Washington DC, once things have quieted down. (That was going to be our summer trip with the boys, pre-pandemic, to see the Smithsonian, and get our American history fix.)

Favorite food: I don’t think I have one favorite food. A few situational favorites: Delicate spring rolls with family. Bagel BLT at the airport before a long flight. Good burger and a Coke after a long flight.

Nationality: American

Favorite song: Current fave: Cold, by Leslie Odom, Jr. and Sia. It changes frequently.

Last book read: Non-fiction: Diamonds (about British royal jewels). Fiction: For the last year, I’ve mostly read JB fic, but my sister gave me a copy of “Vanessa Yu’s Magical Paris Tea Shop” for my birthday. I’m 8 chapters in, and it’s a delight!

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: My problem is overthinking questions like these. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere without the equivalent of modern medicine, or the right to my own legal and financial independence. A lot of historical fiction is only lovely if you’re rich, and that usually requires the servitude or slavery of others, so. 1) Hobbiton or Rivendell at mealtimes (seed cakes, elvish delights!), 2) The fictional world that I have created in my mind of the behind-the-scenes comradery in big movie shoots, like LOTR and the Marvel series, 3) The fictional world that I have created in my mind of the Broadway musical theatre world, where a talented costumer is making beautiful gowns for me, and a brilliant composer/lyricist is writing a masterpiece, so that I am witty and charming on stage. Too much to ask for? Well, fictional universes are indeed that!

Tagging: @cytarabi @ilikeblue @samirant @tall-wolf-of-tarth @naomignome if you haven’t already been tagged!

[thekidultlife]

The Most Convenient Escape | Jihoon Soulmate!AU (3)

⍟ Pairing: Jihoon x fem!reader

⍟ AU: Fantasy/ Soulmate AU

⍟ Genre: ANGST, SLOW BURN, fluff

⍟ Warnings: mentions of abuse, drinking, and sex

⍟ Word Count: 5.3k

⍟ Synopsis: For all your life, you have a deep disdain towards Soulmate Bonds, so much so that you are able to write opinions about it in a local newspaper. However, as life would have it, you wake up one day bonded to a person you hardly knew. Throwing in an investigation, annoying roommates, and a revolution looming just beneath the surface, you had to seek for the most convenient escape.

CHAP 1 | CHAP 2 | CHAP 3 | CHAP 4 |  CHAP 5 |  CHAP 6 |

ON THE NECESSITY OF GRAND ROYAL BALLS by Alex Fireflower

The Porta Persa Edition, September 6

In one's life, what would be considered basic necessities? Food, shelter, clothing, mayhaps a life partner? Indeed, such factors are important. Yet allow me to tell you, dear readers, that there is something far greater and more magnificent than mere daily needs which regularly perish in less than a common laborer's working hours! An element which elevates the typical human experience to the realms of the ancient gods; giving us a glimpse of the most beautiful, the most majestic blinding auras in this Universe! A necessity which is by far the most crucial of all inventions created by man, known to man! 

That, my friends, is the Grand Royal Ball. 

To be held a week from now at the Crystal Palace, the Grand Royal Ball only admits through invites, usually reserved for the rich and the powerful. Yet what is most anticipated is the glamorous First Waltz where they can showcase their magnificent beauty and impressive wardrobe for the public to see! 

Yet this is simply a mere gathering for the upper class, you say? What, in heaven's name, is the reason why this event is of great importance, you ask?

Look closely, my dear readers! Look at the Grand Royal Ball! Look at it with eyes of impunity! Gaze at its splendor and radiance, and see what these people have robbed from you, from the common people! They who have been brought into this world with silver spoons in their mouths, feed us with scraps from their abundant golden banquets! Banquets such as the Grand Royal Ball, where crimes of extravagance and greed go unpunished in the eyes of god.

Do not forget who mines the diamonds in their earrings, who weaves the silk on their lapels, who farms the fruit in their white marble tables! They who afforded nay a drop of sweat in order to survive, yet admonishes the poor for 'indolence' and 'degradation of moral values'--remember them and do not dare forget in the face of their magnificence! 

If these sheer words do not convey a clearer message to you, then allow me to reiterate. The Grand Royal Ball is an important reminder to you common folk who gaze at them in your grease-stained hands, growling stomachs and exhausted eyes. This is a wake up call to you who still believe that you can be like them, wearing your own beautiful gowns and respectable suits to your own grand royal balls. This is a reminder to look past illusions established by this society dictated by such people. 

You are being exploited. You are being paid by less than what you are worth. If that does not constitute slavery, then there is no worth in reading this article. If you are yet to be angered by such realities through this piece, then I, as an editor have failed my mission. Realize that your fellow laborer is not your adversary. The true cold-blooded monsters are up there in their hectares-wide plantations, sitting on leather chairs and pretending to be your friend, as they casually strategize how to pay you less and less of your appropriate wage, as they search for loopholes in our civil code to perpetuate their evils in the world.

They may look like gods next week, dancing to a waltz in the Crystal Palace with the innocence of a daisy, yet do not be in awe. Do not be complacent.

Do not forget the true enemy. 

◇

"You're going to the ball."

Both Wonwoo and Soonyoung declared, under the purple shade of the wisteria tree in the courtyard, their seriousness catching you off-guard.

"What?!" You shouted, almost choking on a shrimp. "What do you mean I'm going to the ball?! I just slandered it in our newspaper yesterday, if you hadn't forgotten!"

The two boys gazed at you, eyes pitiful. 

"Don't look at me like that!" 

Wonwoo, the bespectacled one, sighed and sat up straight. 

"Look, this isn't a prank. We had to bargain you for um…"

In the middle of his words he gradually lost steam, and began to feel your furious, scrutinizing gaze. For better or worse, he suddenly found the garlic shrimp on his plate quite interesting. 

"Alright, let me handle this!" Soonyoung proudly declared, yet nonetheless deflated after you gave him a similar glare. "Wonwoo...you should handle this after all…"

With a face that may seem calm, Wonwoo conveniently concealed his discomfort. 

"So, um...alright, allow me to explain. I got a bit of a lead on the investigation we're doing and thus, following that trail led me to the ball," he continued, "Apparently, there will be a gathering of the people involved during the evening, and I needed to get in with Soonyoung. So I asked some help, and in exchange, they wanted you."

After listening to his story, you closed your eyes and sighed heavily. There was no way you could stop him even if you wanted to. The deal was done and he had the invitation. 

"So, who's they?" 

You asked, a bit annoyed but you understood the need.

"That would be me."

A familiar voice startled you from behind, as you finally caught a glimpse of the devil Wonwoo had to make a pact with. 

"Jihoon, didn't know you were there," Wonwoo remarked, as the new arrival bent down and passed a heavy binder to him. 

"I just arrived really. Thank you for the reading notes though," he replied, paying you and Soonyoung no heed. "Anyway, Y/N, please return to our room as soon as you finish class. We have to talk about what you're going to wear for the ball."

Jihoon ordered, then stalked away without waiting for a reply, leaving you taken aback. 

After a few moments, you turned to Wonwoo wearing a rather frightening expression on your face.

"Jeon Wonwoo! How dare you bargain me to Lee Jihoon!!" 

◇

'Do you despise Lee Jihoon that much?' 

The voice inside your head asked, completely eclipsing the words of your professor. 

'Do you really have to talk to me during class? ' You snarled, spinning your pen around as you watched one of your classmates getting scolded for sleeping. 

'You don't even like this class. So I'm actually doing you a favor by entertaining you.’

'Touché.'

A few moments of silence passed before your soulmate replied. You thought he bailed out, yet that was definitely not the case.

'Lee Jihoon is the reason why you seem troubled today, isn't it?'

You sighed. 'How obstinate...'

'As obstinate as you, in fact. Have you forgotten that we're soulmates?' 

Clicking your tongue, you knew he was going to bother you if you didn't answer, and well, the words from a month ago rang deep inside your heart: Accept them and learn.

'Fine, he does upset me. I mean, I was not supposed to go to that pretentious ball, now I have to wear those heavy dresses and fake laugh with people I despise a lot! I could be doing something else, you know! Something I enjoy more!'

It took him some time to reply. It's not your fault you had no one to talk about it. Wonwoo and Soonyoung literally sacrificed you. 

'Is it not because you dislike him?'

'I am irritated now because of what he did, yet I surely do not harbor stronger hatred towards him. I live with him after all.' 

'I see. So you simply have a dislike towards parties in general?'

'Not entirely. I don't mind going to parties, yet this one particular ball does not sit well with me.' 

'Why so?'

You propped your chin on your hand as you leafed through the pages of your textbook. 

'It goes against everything I believe in. Why do people have to organize such expensive balls? Wearing expensive clothes? Eating expensive food? They could just donate that money. Don't you think so?' 

He hummed, thinking of a reply. 'You do have a point. Furthermore, it is not only this country's problem yet of entire humanity. Isn't it human nature to be greedy? Isn't it the nature of material objects to be scarce?' 

'Thus, it is an unavoidable, inevitable problem, you mean to say? Well, that would definitely be the case if no effort is afforded to find a solution to this problem. No matter how minute my actions are, I'm sure they would still have a rippling effect.' 

The person on the other side scoffed. 'If only that is how simple things are.' 

'What do you mean by that? Are you calling me naive?' 

He laughed. 'Whatever you think it is shall be its meaning.' 

You were about to interject with your own retort yet was unable to catch up. 

'Well, looks like I still have things to do. It was a pleasure talking to you today. Until then, my soulmate.'

And with that, the connection halted. 

You sighed and slumped on your seat with lips pursed. It was difficult talking to him while keeping your own pride in check. He was definitely talented in wounding it. 

They would magnify your insecurities, your fears, your greatest flaws as a person, and force you to face them.

Sighing, you glanced at the bell that had begun to signal the end of class. 

◇

Bathed in golden sunlight, you entered your dorm room as instructed by Lee Jihoon. 

It has been a month since you began living here yet the days seemed to have gone in a flash. To be honest, other than that time you saw him practicing with his cello, there was little to no interaction between you and Lee Jihoon. He really made sure to avoid me…

Yet right now, so suddenly…what has changed?

Opening the french doors like you did when you first met him, you were greeted by several female attendants and rows of clothes racks, each having a massive collection of gowns.

"Took you long enough to return."

Someone suddenly spoke behind you, making you jump in surprise. Taking a step back, you only bumped into Lee Jihoon's chest. 

"I had to go to the library on the way here," you replied, making some distance between the two of you as the black-haired male marched his way to a vacant armchair. 

"I see. Well then, shall we begin our business here?" He asked as soon as he was settled on his seat, glancing at the gowns at the side. 

"Exactly what I had in mind. Do you wish to explain what these are for?"

With an expression that reeked irritation, Jihoon gave no response to a question he assumed you knew the answer to. 

You sighed. "What I mean is, I thought you had already chosen something for me, so I was quite surprised to see all of these." 

The both of you simply gazed at one another without uttering a single word. Only the sound of the clock ticking and the afternoon bells outside could be heard as you allowed yourselves to be absorbed in your own little trance. Until Jihoon finally relented and stood up. 

"I just thought you would rather choose something akin to your own preference," he told you, scratching his nape, "additionally, these ones here are all about to be thrown out, so maybe you--"

"These ones are about to be thrown out?! But they still look so pretty!" You interrupted, wholly surprised as you inspected the exquisite bead work of the nearest dress to you. 

"It's common for people in the upper class to throw away gowns after wearing it once. So I thought you'd appreciate wearing something like this rather than having something new ordered. We could give away the other ones here as well," Jihoon explained, now a bit conscious of your reaction. 

Chuckling at how he was slowly becoming bashful, you threw a wide grin at him which Jihoon was sure had definitely caught his breath. 

"That was so thoughtful of you! Thank you!" You exclaimed, now more than interested to browse at the racks. 

Unable to respond, Jihoon silently allowed you to check out the dresses while he tried to conceal the fact that his ears had turned red. 

"What about you though? Have you already chosen something for yourself?" You asked in the midst of trying out one blue sequined gown. 

"Since I’m a member of the Parliament, we have to wear a standard ceremonial uniform," he replied, now seated back on the armchair.

"Is that so?" You hummed then continued, "I think I've decided on one so allow me to finish."

After some time, you returned to the common room, showing Jihoon the gown you had picked for the occasion. 

In a beige off-shoulder gown filled with lace trims and appliques, peacock feather patterns of sequins and gemstones, and dangling diamonds, you twirled around the room as the late afternoon sunlight created surreal reflections of light as it reflected on your dress. 

In Jihoon's eyes, you were dazzling, sparkling. He could feel his heart almost explode by how hard it was beating against his chest. What's missing though was a bouquet of roses and a lace veil. This is vexing...

"So what do you think?" You asked, now incredibly self-conscious because of how he was staring at you.

Again, Jihoon was quiet as he glanced at you, yet allowed a sigh to escape before he stood up from where he was sitting. Approaching the coffee table, he picked up a lacquered box and went back to where you were standing.

As he opened the box, you caught a glimpse of a necklace adorned with diamonds, garnets and rubies, sparkling earnestly. Handing the box to one of the attendants, Jihoon held out the necklace to you and wrapped it around your neck.

The close proximity made your heart race for a bit as you unintentionally took a whiff of his cologne. Aware of your reaction, you averted your gaze elsewhere in embarrassment. You were brought back to the present when Jihoon finally took a step back and you felt the weight of the necklace on your skin. 

"Oh...wow, this…" you began yet cannot finish.

"It's a family heirloom so take care of it." Then in a rather unexpected turn, Jihoon smiled at you warmly, making your heart race even further. "It suits you quite well."

Unable to contain it any longer, your lips broke out a wide grin. "I suppose this is a loan then." 

In a rather good mood, Jihoon took your hand in his. "How about we practice our dance? Surely, we wouldn't want to embarrass ourselves during the First Waltz."

You scoffed. "Despite how I may appear, I am capable of a simple waltz."

"That's reassuring then," he remarked, twirling you around so suddenly that had you gasping.

Back in his arms, the both of you moved back and forth as your feet danced to an imaginary melody. 

You never shied away from his intense gaze, rather, you accepted the challenge and smirked at him. 

"So, my dear sir, please answer this burning question I have in my heart," you mocked him playfully. 

"Why are you talking to me like that?" He furrowed his brows which you found adorable.

"I thought since we are to attend such a high profile event, utter politeness is necessary, even in speech."

Jihoon frowned, unimpressed. "Please stop teasing me. What was your question, by the way?" 

Chuckling, you replied, "What are you planning, Lee Jihoon?"

Even though you were still smiling, the atmosphere suddenly turned tense. Lee Jihoon can flatter you with pretty dresses and beautiful diamond necklaces yet you never cared much for them in the first place. To you, his actions were suspicious and it didn't help that he was a rather mysterious person. 

"Planning? Pardon me yet I do not know what you are pertaining to," he replied, as calm as you were. 

"What are you planning by choosing me as your partner? You could have made Wonwoo bargain a million other things, yet you chose me."

This time, it was Jihoon's turn to smirk. 

"I was simply confirming a few hunches, though that does not mean I will divulge them to you." 

This bastard…

You felt a sweatdrop trickle down your cheek as you grit your teeth. "I am not your toy." 

"I wouldn't dream of treating you as such," he grinned at you, "More than anything, you are quite important to me."

"I'd rather wish not to be involved in your political ploys," you seethed. 

He arched a brow at you. "Why would I? You are a mere alchemist's daughter whose political power is the same as the next person." 

You knew where this was going. You spoke no word as you tried to control your expression; not allowing him to see it in your face.

Jihoon smirked, his words hanging on the air.

"Unless, you have more than you let on?" 

*

One week later

The Grand Royal Ball, The Crystal Palace

You kept a tight smile.

The tip of your nose was itching, your skin unused to the makeup covering your face. Superficiality lingered and clung to every corner of the palace from its golden ornaments and marble balustrades to the couples ahead of you, marching their way towards the ballroom for the much awaited First Waltz.Yet you have to smile on. 

Welcome to the Grand Royal Ball!

Beside you was Lee Jihoon, dressed in an attire reserved for high-ranking officials and a sash which proudly broadcasts that he was someone you wouldn't want to mess with. You, on the other hand, wore the gown and the necklace you had tried on a week before, with hair coiffed to perfection and silk gloves which hid the markings on your wrist.

Only the most prominent, the highest  of the high were invited to dance during  the First Waltz.  From billionaire philanthropists and award-winning researchers to  powerful politicians like Lee Jihoon, they all  provide a sense of  prestige to the whole event. This is when the ball catches so much attention after all. 

Lining up uniformly, everyone participating curtsied before the reigning monarch as was the custom, and the music began playing. Facing Jihoon, you gave him a rather mocking smile as you placed your hand on his shoulder and the other on his hand. 

Without a word, everyone began dancing. 

As you stepped across the ballroom, you allowed your mind to slip away from reality; the face of Lee Jihoon reminding you why you were putting up with this sort of pompous absurdity in the first place.

A few days ago… 

You groaned in frustration. 

"I swear, Lee Jihoon is the most irritating man I've ever met in my entire life!" 

"Let's wait for him to fall asleep and beat him up, Y/N!" Soonyoung, who was happily lazing on the grass exclaimed.

"Come on, then! He's already asleep at this hour!" You responded, quite eagerly.

Simply sighing at your shenanigans, Wonwoo closed the book he was reading. 

"Don't listen to him, Y/N. He's drunk," he remarked. 

"But I haven't been drinking!!" 

The other man simply looked at him with a jaded look on his face. 

"You're always drunk even without drinking anything," Wonwoo quietly retorted. "Anyway, Y/N…"

Sitting back down on the grass, you turned to him. It was already past midnight yet the three of you decided to hold a meeting at a long forgotten grove behind the dormitories, usually used by overly-zealous couples for their own pleasure.

"It's true that Jihoon can be cunning if he wants to, yet it's not like we can't do the same as well," he continued, "There's a reason why I had no reservations in bargaining you."

"That doesn't sound too comforting, you know?" 

"As I was saying, Lee Jihoon can be cunning. He can't be trusted to stay at the venue while we are in that meeting. That is precisely why we have to get him out of the venue as soon as possible." 

You nodded. It was the same reason why it wasn't you who was leading this investigation. 

"So my job is to have him stay away from the palace while you and Soonyoung are in the meeting. Alright, I understand."

Wonwoo sighed. "Y/N, I'm not doing this because I think your skills are inadequate, but because we need to play by the rules. If things fail and our cover is blown, Soonyoung and I already have tainted names that another case wouldn't matter much. I can't have you dirty your own name." 

Looking down, you understood where he was coming from. It really wasn't an issue of who's weaker or who's stronger. It was an issue of who's richer and more influential. Wonwoo and Soonyoung, because of their wealth and power, were able to establish their own newspaper company with relative ease. And with that same wealth and power, if anything does happen, the repercussions they have to face and its lasting effects wouldn't be as heavy as an ordinary person would experience. Such is the gift of privilege. 

"I know. I understand." 

◇

You knew, as soon as the dance ended, people would flock around Lee Jihoon, all wanting a piece of that power and influence. 

That is why, when you had the chance, you slipped away from his side and went straight to the buffet tables. If you were going to attend a grand ball, might as well stuff yourself with food. 

That veal over there looks scrumptious!! 

Filling your plate to the brim, you scoured all over the buffet, finding food you have never dreamed of tasting. 

"Y/N! We finally found you, for god's sake! We thought something happened to you!" A familiar voice exclaimed, making you look up from the plate you were feasting on, as you sat on a bench at the side. 

"Ah, Soonyoung, Wonwoo! I didn't see you guys at the dance!" You replied, piercing a turkey leg with your fork. 

"Well, that's because we weren't invited to the dance. Our parents are though, since they are the VIPs," Wonwoo explained.

You hummed. "I see. Well, so far this ball has delicious food. Other than that, it's quite boring. I don't know half these people, and they've been looking at me since a while ago."

Like he always is, Soonyoung embraced you from behind, wrapping his arms around your neck with a cheeky green. 

"Your date is quite popular, you know? It's only natural for people to be curious as to the identity of his chosen date," he remarked, taking a bite of meat from your fork. 

"You're making it sound so romantic," you spat with disdain.

Soonyoung grinned. "Come on, don't you feel anything for our resident politician? You two were dancing so nicely earlier, you know."  

You clicked your tongue. "He's suspicious of me. I think he has a hunch that I'm Alex Fireflower." 

"This is why the Soulmate Bond hasn't visited you yet! You're always so serious! You need to loosen up and have a bit of romance in your life! You can't be young forever!"

"I think Soonyoung has a point here though," Wonwoo suddenly interjected, now with a mischievous smile. "Dating Lee Jihoon could open various opportunities of information gathering. Moreover, you can monitor him more closely than ever before." 

"Oh god, not you too. Isn't it enough that we're roommates?" You complained, sighing.

"No, no! That's not going to cut it, Y/N!" Soonyoung exclaimed, "You have to get inside his room!" 

Glaring at him, you hissed harshly. "I will not enter his room! And I will never date him!"

"Has no one ever told you to avoid using 'never', especially when there is a chance that you will be eating your own words in the near future?" 

A new voice suddenly interrupted your banter as the three of you glanced at the newcomer with a variety of expressions.

In his calm yet intimidating aura, Lee Jihoon stood before you three, waiting for a response. Of course, with a glass of wine in his hands. 

"Has no one ever told you that it's not good manners to eavesdrop on other people's conversations?" You retorted back. 

With arched brows, Jihoon approached you and glanced at Soonyoung who eventually retreated away from you and back to Wonwoo's side with a nervous look on his face.

"It's hardly eavesdropping when I can hear you three screaming from the other side of the room."

At this comment, the three of you looked away in shame, unable to say anything to refute Jihoon.

"If there is nothing else, may I borrow my date for a while?" He then spoke, reaching for your hand while looking at Wonwoo and Soonyoung. 

Grinning, the two easily offered you. 

"Please do, Jihoon (before we turn into mincemeat)."

"Oh of course, please enjoy the rest of the night!"

You grit your teeth and glared at them, annoyed that you weren't able to finish your meal, much less bring anything with you back home. 

Traitors! I'll come back for you two after this!

As Jihoon swept you away from the buffet tables and towards the deserted balcony, you suddenly began to worry about what he was up to.

While dark and cool, the balcony was a pleasant place to escape to especially from a crowd of prying eyes. The crawling rose vines and the tall hedges concealed the area enough so that it was difficult to discern who was who in the balcony. 

"What is it that you want from me?" You finally asked, standing face to face. 

For a moment, Jihoon simply gazed at you before shrugging. "I just thought that since we are already here, we might as well enjoy a dance together. I am not one unkind enough to refuse dancing with my own date."

Arching a brow, you blinked several times, totally suspicious of his intentions. You sighed.

"And here I thought the thirty minute waltz from earlier would suffice," tartly, that was how you replied. 

Jihoon snorted, the first one you have seen. 

"That was simply a mere performance, one that is born out of tradition and formality. This time, I wish to dance with you at our own pace."

Still suspicious, yet nonetheless resigned, you hummed in agreement and took a step forward, towards him. 

Without warning, you snatched the wine glass from his grasps and drank everything in one gulp before discarding it on the balustrade's edge, earning a confused look on Jihoon's face.

"Now then, shall we begin?" you replied, reaching for his shoulder and his own hand on yours.

It seemed like for a moment, Jihoon was stunned by how fast your actions were. However, it didn't take him long to come back to his senses and place a hand on your waist.

Gradually, the both of you swung back and forth a millisecond late from the music's beat, simply too absorbed in each other to correct it.

As you gazed into Jihoon's eyes, you knew you needed that swig of alcohol to survive the whole night. He was as intense as ever; his sharp eyes unreadable, his lips curving into a ghost of a smirk. The grip he had on your waist was firm, sending shivers to your spine. 

You need to loosen up and have a bit of romance in your life!

Dating Lee Jihoon could open various opportunities...

You mentally shook those thoughts away. This wasn't the right time to think about those things.

"I've changed my mind, you know?" Jihoon finally spoke, his voice pulling you away from your reverie. 

"About what?" You asked, your hand warm on his. 

"I want to know you better. I know when we first met, I didn't want anything to do with you, but for some reason, my sentiments have changed over time."

Flustered at the sudden confession, you were only able to say one thing, "Why?" 

"Why…? Why indeed," he made a soft smile at this, as if he knew something that was totally lost to you. "Maybe if I get to know you more, I might arrive at an answer." 

You looked away, unable to face his earnest eyes. There was a feeling in you that knows he was being honest, yet you still couldn't help but feel suspicious. Why is he suddenly springing this up on me? Why does he want to know me? What is he planning? Who exactly is Lee Jihoon? 

You also didn't know the answer to those questions. But maybe, just maybe, you would understand if you just let him in. 

You need to loosen up and have a bit of romance in your life!

God damn it, Soonyoung!

"If that is the case, then feel free to explore, yet that does not mean, the seas are not treacherous," you finally said, your lips curving into a mischievous smile. 

"I wouldn't want anything else."

Grinning back at you, Jihoon leaned forward and placed a small chaste kiss on your forehead, making you look at him with the most stunned expression on your face. 

"I-I...I think I might want to have another drink! J-just stay there! I'll be back!"

As you shouted, you stormed away from the balcony and went straight back to the buffet tables, seeking anything that is liquid, alcoholic or cold to ease the burning on your cheeks. 

"Yes, it seems like I made the right decision with choosing her as my date," he remarked as he watched your retreating figure, smirking to himself.  

By the time you went back, you had already downed a few glasses, and another one on your hand to drink for later. You were tipsy then, as obvious as your flushed cheeks were, and Jihoon had to catch you before you stumbled onto the ground.

"You seemed to have drunk a lot," he remarked as he steadied you on your step.

"...Need it," you muttered, unable to look at him.

"What?"

"Jihoon…" purring, you clung to his lapel with a giggle, your face simply inches away from his. "You...you look quite handsome…have I told you that?" 

With a smirk, you inched closer to him; lips almost brushing against each other. That is, until he turned his head and pushed you away.

"It's late...we should head home."

 His ears were red though.

◇

The school was silent during the dead hours of the night. Students were either prohibited by their curfews or too busy studying to bother with fooling around. Only the soft rustling of wisteria and cherry blossom flowers and the loud ramblings of a drunkard could be heard across the courtyard. 

"Jihoonie~ come on now…don't touch me there," you teased between giggles as he carried you behind his back. 

"Please don't be too loud…"

"I'm not loud! In fact, I'm quite soft spoken~"

"What did I get myself into…?"

You were definitely heavy; and with the weight of the whole dress, Jihoon was already wheezing when he opened the door to your shared dormitory and carried you to your own bed. 

Gently laying you down, Jihoon spent a few moments gazing at you who was smiling at him carelessly. 

"Oh my…" a giggle, "are you going to confess your undying love to me now…?" You asked, making him grin at you. 

"Would you believe me if I did?" Jihoon responded, slowly reaching for your wrist wrapped in a silk and lace glove. 

"Of course not," you smirked. "You're Lee Jihoon." 

Upon your words, he made a small smile, yet it had hinted some sort of deeper sadness. Lifting your hand up, Jihoon kissed the inside of your wrist. 

"Of course."

CHAP 1 | CHAP 2 | CHAP 3 | CHAP 4 |  CHAP 5 | CHAP 6 |

*

A/N: Hii!! This is Hyeri again!! No new chapters for next week (instead some Jihoon smut, if you like those sksksk) Hopefully, after that week, regular updates on this fic will continue! (maybe punctuated by some Wonwoo smut;;; Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter!!! Thank you so much!!

-Hyeri

[b--tchcraft]

「   ʰᵃᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵉᵉⁿ 𝓶𝓪𝔂𝓪 𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓵𝓲𝓷 ʸᵉᵗ ᵗʰⁱˢ ˢᶜʰᵒᵒˡ ʸᵉᵃʳ ?? ᵐᵃʸᵇᵉ ⁱⁿ 𝓸𝓻𝓬𝓱𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓪, 𝓬𝓱𝓸𝓲𝓻, ᵒʳ 𝓭𝓻𝓪𝓶𝓪 𝓬𝓵𝓾𝓫 ?? ⁱ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ˢᵒᵐᵉ ʷⁱˡᵈ ʳᵘᵐᵒʳˢ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵉ 𝓼𝓲𝔁𝓽𝓮𝓮𝓷 ʸᵉᵃʳ ᵒˡᵈ ˡᵃˢᵗ ˢᵉᵐᵉˢᵗᵉʳ, ᵇᵘᵗ ⁿᵒʷ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉʸ’ʳᵉ ᵃ 𝓳𝓾𝓷𝓲𝓸𝓻 ⁱᵗ ᵐⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵇᵉ ᵃ ᵈⁱᶠᶠᵉʳᵉⁿᵗ ˢᵗᵒʳʸ. ᵃᶜᶜᵒʳᵈⁱⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉⁱʳ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈˢ ᵗʰᵉʸ’ʳᵉ ᵖʳᵉᵗᵗʸ 𝓭𝓻𝓲𝓿𝓮𝓷, ᵇᵘᵗ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗⁱᵐᵉˢ 𝓼𝓱𝓮 ᶜᵃⁿ ᵇᵉ 𝓶𝓮𝓭𝓭𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰. ʷʰᵒ ᵏⁿᵒʷˢ, ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵐⁱᵍʰᵗ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵇᵉ 𝓱𝓮𝓻 ʸᵉᵃʳ !   」

LIGHTNING ROUND

full name: maya ruby matlin

date of birth: may 9, 2004 @ 11:50 AM (16y/o)

star signs: taurus sun, leo rising, capricorn moon

birth order: youngest

gender: cis female (she/her)

sexuality: bisexual

romanticism: biromantic

personality: ambivert, idealist, infp-t

moral alignment: neutral good

temperament: melancholy-choleric

hogwarts house: slytherin

spirituality: undecided, only vaguely spiritual

positive traits: tender, prodigious, visionary

negative traits: naive, intrusive, self-involved

faceclaim: kiernan shipka

AN OVERVIEW

tw: illness (multiple sclerosis), hospitals, overdose, addiction, eating disorder, mental illness, anxiety, depression

this interpretation of maya matlin is a little bit all over the place since i wanted to have her come in on a mostly fresh note (especially since so much is au around here so obviously a lot of her more formative plotlines didn't happen) but i wanted to keep what i consider to be some of her key character traits. so some liberties have been taken not that anyone ever cares xx

maya was interested in music from a very young age while simultaneously always having trouble with making friends. when she was in second grade and her parents noticed that she’d been invited to way less playdates and birthday parties than her older sister, katie matlin, did by her age, they figured getting her music lessons would be a good way to both enrich and socialize her. 

the cello was love at first sight for maya. her parents tried to talk her down to a violin since she was comically small compared to the larger instrument, but she couldn't be swayed. she was also a natural when she got her first lesson as a sort of trial run, and so maya x cello began.

growing up hearing things like gifted and talented, even child prodigy did make her ego grow with her, but it wasn’t without reason—even she could see how much she excelled in orchestra compared to her classmates, to the point where she took up other instruments along the way just to keep feeling challenged. but other than that, she didn’t have much going for her; her overall grades were pretty good, and she was generally nice to the other people at school (even the ones she had no problem telling her family she didn’t like) but no friendships ever stuck. music really was like her one thing. 

so, her parents did what they could to nourish it—including enrolling her in a middle school for the performing arts, which she loved. but in a few years when katie started high school at degrassi and was more well-rounded than ever—having friends, clubs, soccer, taekwondo, etc.—it really did highlight how little maya did outside of her little musical world. mr. & mrs. matlin started to worry that, in allowing and encouraging this, they were only enabling maya to alienate herself from other people and opportunities in the world. so, much to her dismay, the next year she, too, was enrolled at degrassi. 

with lots of cliques and friend groups carrying over from previous schools, maya felt like a new kid in the worst way. luckily for her, one kendra mason noticed how much she looked like a lost puppy and took her under her wing, already knowing her way around despite being in the same grade since she had an older brother in katie’s grade and already knew most of their peers. to say that maya latched onto bonding with kendra would be a massive understatement, and the two have been best friends ever since.

although maya’s made no secret of her disdain for how undemanding degrassi’s music curriculum is, with kendra’s friendship (and the way she has no problem telling maya when she’s being a little brat) she finally started branching out more, joining a few clubs, making some more friends, getting crushes (lots of crushes) and just enjoying being a teenager for the first time, like, ever. so, imagine her heartbreak when she found out kendra was gonna be going away to boarding school the following year. 

despite how much more involved she was now, maya started sophomore year feeling lost all over again. however, she at least knew that kendra’s ex, toby isaacs, would be missing kendra just as much as she did, especially since it wasn’t like they had broken up on bad terms. so the two gravitated towards each other—well, no, it was more like: maya gravitated towards him, which got them to hang out more and actually become closer friends, and that was nice for both of them...but maya also totally developed a big crush on toby in the process that was not only unrequited but unspoken about so that no one would ever know (except maybe katie, who could always read maya like a book). it really wasn’t even that she had any intention of dating him, he had just kind of become her closest friend at degrassi without kendra there and they both bonded over missing her and it was nice, and i mean, it’s toby, he’s nice, and funny, and adorable, and oh my god did maya not want to be feeling any kind of way about her best friend’s ex and had a whole lot of feelings about the whole thing and wrote a whole lot of songs about it that she never wants to see the light of day. but she never did get rid of the journal she wrote them in.

eventually she got over it, at first because the weirdness of it all turned her off from the whole idea of liking him, but then especially when she found out kendra was coming back. whether that had more to do with guilt about ever having crushed on toby in the first place or just the sheer excitement of getting her bestie again remains unclear. she just tries not to think about it too much. 

A RUNDOWN

maya’s trademark savior complex is still very present, having started with her mom; with her dad usually working and katie always busy, maya grew up spending a lot of time alone with her mother, who suffers from multiple sclerosis. while, fortunately, margaret matlin maintained a lot of her independence, some days were worse than others as with any chronic illness, and maya was always checking in on her and seeing if there was anything she could do to help. her compulsion to “save” her loved ones later grew when katie wound up hospitalized from an overdose, and maya learned (from general talk among the parents and medical staff) that not only did her sister have a pill addiction but had struggled with disordered eating as well. 

although none of it had anything to do with her, maya couldn’t help but feel like things might not have gotten so bad had she monitored katie more closely like she did their mother, but she didn’t want to make it about herself, so she just kept quiet about these thought patterns, only internalizing it more. at the fault of no one in particular, this developed into a sort of anxiety, which makes her worry a little too much about her friends and family—often to the point of nosiness or straight-up invasion of privacy in the pursuit of a maya matlin wellness check.  the fact that she goes to degrassi, of course, doesn’t make this any better, by the way, with all of the shit that goes down there all the time.

this habit of catastrophizing has also led to a currently undiagnosed mild depression, which often even seems totally latent in her behavior but does circle back to worsening her anxiety. she tends to fixate on stressors (usually personal, but sometimes as big as world events) and will have racing/spiraling thoughts. her lower points tend to be worsened based on circumstance, so she’s more likely to “look” or “seem” depressed in times of higher personal distress, contrasting the heightened nerves and paranoia that will often come beforehand (and serves as a good warning sign). basically, the girl needs therapy, we’ll get there eventually.

ANYTHING ELSE?

i definitely played up the amount she was affected by her mom and katie (even tho i will argue that those were starting points in her mental health journey) but since we’re in a super au and i was trying to serve fresh maya realness alongside later!maya personality/mentality traits, i kinda had to chopshop her backstory a little. that’s also why this turned out so long, i knew i had some differences that needed some explaining.

(also pls note if we do get a katie who doesn’t want to keep the aforementioned plots OR wants to change it up some, i’m obviously open to that!)

i also figure that maya’s relationship with katie would be figured out more when/if we get a katie, but by default, i like to imagine they’re very close with a pretty clear “wiser big sister looking out for her baby sister who thinks she knows everything” dynamic, like best friends but katie puts on the big sister hat when she needs to.

i’m also trying to be very mindful of her mental health because i don’t want her to be quite the extent she ever reaches in next class, but i did also appreciate and apparently relate to a lot of the nuances in how her mental illness really surfaced and inevitably spiraled. so she’s going to be a little mix of happy lil early day maya and the nervous wreck she became later one, with just a splash of next class’s touches like “disaster porn” and having days where stays home from school because she just feels too down. basically, it fluctuates.

maya kind of always knew that she was bi, but like, quietly, since it’s never really been a big deal to her but she also didn’t want to seem like she was looking for attention (not for that, anyway). she definitely acts more outwardly boy-crazy though.

she is also a serial crusher and goes through them faster than even she can keep up with. other than toby, some highlights of the crushes she’s had include: adam torres, alena montanez, alex nunez, amy peters-hoffman, ashley kerwin (like, right when she started her cool goth look), danny van zandt, dave turner, imogen moreno, reggie dever, sean cameron, spinner mason, yael baron, and obviously zig novak. she’s totally got a thing for cam saunders at the moment, and she thinks that craig is, like, the coolest, but not even in a dating kinda way just in a wow-you’re-so-cool-and-talented-i-wanna-open-up-for-you-on-tour-one-day-pls-notice-me-senpai kinda way. and she’s almost definitely felt some type of way about kendra that’s more than friends, more than once, at some point, but even she hasn’t realized that.

despite the fact that she’s got a song written for almost half the school, maya has never dated anyone or even had her first kiss! obviously nothing wrong with that, but a fun trivia bit.

the basement of the matlin house is practically dedicated to being maya’s studio. it’s like half practice room, half hangout, filled with just about every instrument maya took an interest in over the years (mostly string instruments, some miscellaneous, she’s currently trying to build up a drumset that she’s convinced she’s gonna teach herself, and her next fantasy/goal is to get a theremin) as well as an iMac with a composition and production softwares, a sound system, and then just like a couch and a tv and stuff. it’s a pretty impressive amount of musical equipment that looks like a lot (and it is) but again, it’s really like her one thing and her parents want her to be happy. most of it comes from various holidays and occasions since she only ever really asks for additions to her collection as gifts, so between that and random bits and pieces she saved up to buy herself (and a few her parents just felt like treating her to) it’s built up over the years. 

yeah i literally always play maya with this basement, it’s basically become a staple of my maya matlins, i’ve designed it a couple of times but i’ll probably redo it once more for this verse because it’s her favorite place to hang out.

aaand i’m gonna make myself end there because i’ll just keep going and this is already far too long but yeah welcome to the world my latest edition in maya matlins~ 

[gainaxvel3o]

Shinji Ikari: The Amazing Spider-Man

Shinji Ikari: The Origin

The opening strings of Bach's Cello Suite #1 were heard in the room.

It was being played on the cello, the young, brown haired, blue eyed boy wearing the black school uniform holding the instrument playing it with efficiency. He put his concentration into this, lest he be disappointing the old man sitting in front go him.

When he finally finished, his teacher nodded in approval.

"Very good. You are done for the day."

Shinji Ikari nodded in return. "Understood."

_______________________________________________________________________

Kokoro is covered in smog.

When the meteorite impacted the Earth in 1999, the world had changed. Much of the world was destroyed in the wake of the calamity. Weather was fixed in countries around the world, with Japan being in perpetual summer heat.

Nagano was a casualty of Second Impact's destruction, and as such it was sometime before it was given the go ahead for rebuild. Luckily, the Yashida Company was able to pick up the slack, the large corporation funding various reconstruction efforts to rebuild the city. It was renamed Kokoro, to symbolize becoming the heart of technology and commerce for the rebuilding Japan. Smog was common, since construction and factories were common, and very busy. It was quite a large enterprise.

Shinji reset the tape from track 26 to 25.

Anata wo michibiku basho he to

Tori no mure ga habataite yuku

Kawaita daichi ni aru no wa

Hibiwareta takusan no kokoro

He didn't think too much of the city. It was too busy and loud for his tastes. He always seemed to find it… overcrowded for lack of a better word. Sitting on the train, he listened to his S-DAT player while ignoring the rest of the passengers. He enjoyed music. He found it relaxing, like locking himself off into his own landscape, where he could ignore the world and be the only one that exists.

Kikoeru anata wo

yobu koe ga

Zawameki nimo

makenai hodo tsuyoku

Shinji was one that let things happen as they happened. Without dreams or aspirations, he just existed and did what he was told. He was never entirely comfortable with people, and people were never comfortable with him, so they never connected. He saw no problem with this arrangement, he had little reason to care.

You are the only one.

kitto

anata dake.

He stopped this thought process when he realized the train had reached Imai Station.

Shinji picked up his bag and stepped outside. He might not have aspirations, but he still needed to go to school.

_______________________________________________________________________

That does not mean he liked Kawanakajima Junior High School.

Shinji is sitting in Science class, trying to listen to Prof. Kuruto Inumaru explaining the experiment. Something to do with mixing the appropriate chemical compounds.

"This is exciting, Ikari! Can you feel it?"

The key word being trying.

Too bad he had Tsuyoshi Kotei as his lab partner.

Kotei was the Class Representative. Tall, imposing with black hair and shining wide blue eyes, he was well respected among his peers. He was at the top in terms of grades and was considered a well behaved young man by the teachers. He had a charm that won over most people.

Whenever he was around though, Shinji couldn't help shake a foreboding feeling.

"Kotei, could you please be quiet? I'm trying to take notes." Shinji hissed, scribbling notes on his notebook.

Tsuyoshi looked over him apologetic, "Sorry, it's just that taking classes and performing my duties makes me feel great."

"Okay, I'm trying to concentrate!" Shinji whispered a little louder, which unfortunately got attention.

"Is there something you would like to add, Ikari?" said Prof. Inumaru with a condescending tone.

Shinji looked down. "No sir."

"Good, let us begin the experiment," Prof. Inumaru turned back to the board as Shinji blushed hearing his classmates chuckle.

The class experiment was mixing compounds to produce a particular chemical. Tsuyoshi was a pro at this, mixing and matching with ease with Shinji struggling to keep up with him. Still, he did his part and was able to produce the right chemical for the job. He was about to place them in the mixer-

A sudden force pushed him and the glass containers with chemicals he held slipped from his hands and fell onto the floor, spilling the materials and shattering the glass.

At this, Prof. Inumaru turned his attention to Shinji, and he wasn't pleased.

"Ikari, you're staying over after school for clean up duty. That is not a request."

Bitterly, Shinji looked over at Tsuyoshi, who merely smiled.

With a sneering grin.

_______________________________________________________________________

Clean up duty was a chore.

Shinji used his gloved hands to drag the mop across the classroom, cleaning it like he was told to. The rest of the day was boring enough, but Kotei's little prank made his day an extra waste. It was sunset by this point. Shinji wanted to hurry back home so he could sleep in. Not like he had much to do after all.

The laboratory door opened as Prof. Inumaru stepped out. He seemed rather stressed about something.

"I have to make a call, I will be back in a minute. Make sure you finish cleaning the room," was all he said as he slammed the door shut.

Shinji made a quick glance through the opened door. For some reason, he felt curious about what was inside.

So he placed the mop in his hands over a table and went inside.

The laboratory was a dark and small room. The lights were dimmed, the office was messy and disorganized, and it was clear only Inumaru used this lab.

On the table, there was a small glass cage that was broken.

Shinji figured whatever was inside the cage was probably the cause of Prof. Inumaru's worry. He went over to the cage in order to inspect the thing.

He also grabbed some gloves and a bag. If nothing else, he could clean this mess up. He went back to the table and picked up the shards.

Piece by piece, he brought the shards into the bag with his hand. He was intently focused on the task. Enough that he did not notice a small little creature making its way towards him.

Then, a stinging pain was felt on his right hand.

"Nggh!" Shinji grabbed his wrist, groaning while suffering from the pain. A quick glance and he saw the small little creature, a spider, scurrying off the table.

He shut his eyes… and saw darkness.

_______________________________________________________________________

"You alright kid?"

Shinji heard those words in a blurry haze, as his eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room. As he gazed up, he realized he was in a hospital room. A bearded doctor was in his vision, holding up his hand in front of him.

"How many fingers am I holding?"

Shinji looked at it, focused on it.

"Th… three?" He said hesitantly, unsure if he saw it properly.

It seems it was correct though, since the doctor nodded in approval. "Good, very good. Your teacher brought you over here as soon as he could after he found you on the ground unconscious. From the vitals you seem to be pretty healthy, but we're going to need a blood sample just to be sure. Will that be alright with you?"

Shinji did not object to that. He did have a question though. "You said my teacher brought me here?"

"Yes, Professor Inumaru brought you here. Your legal guardian came over briefly to sign off on the appropriate documents." The doctor said as he waved at a nearby nurse to come in.

"… I see." Shinji said with his head downcast. The nurse went over to him, carrying a needle.

"I'll be taking a sample now okay?" She said smiling in an attempt to reassure the boy. Shinji smiled briefly in return and held out his hand for her.

She cleaned the needle right before stabbing it into Shinji's arm.

"Huh, that's strange…" She frowned a little. "You got surprisingly thick skin. I had a little bit of a problem getting the needle in. Oh well." She didn't say much more as she got the sample. "Your guardian also left something for you."

Shinji was confused. "What did he leave?"

"It's this." The doctor brought out from his pocket a familiar object. Shinji's S-DAT player with his earphones. "You're going to be here for an hour or two, so listening to some music will probably help you pass the time while I get the sample ready."

Shinji nodded. As he put on the earphones, he thought about how he couldn't wait to get out of the hospital soon.

_______________________________________________________________________

After he was given the clean bill of health, Shinji returned to his house.

He wouldn't call this place his home. It never felt like it, even if he did live here for most of his life. A quaint, normal place, it was with very little decoration outside nor inside. Shinji let himself in through the front door (he had the keys in his pockets). He walked in, passing by the kitchen.

Inside the kitchen, Shinji noticed an older man reading a newspaper on the dinner table.

This man had been his caretaker since he was four. He taught him how to play the cello, schooled him for a bit in his childhood before sending him to a proper school. The two of them weren't close, neither spending too much time making contact unless it was through cello practice.

"I'm home." Shinji said dispassionately.

The old man let out a small groan in response and placed the paper he was reading down on the table. "I see you are."

They stood there, eye contact established. It was broken when Shinji looked away from his teacher.

"We'll begin practice in a few minutes. Get your cello."

Shinji went up to his room to get the instrument.

_______________________________________________________________________

Drowning.

Shinji was drowning in an ocean of red. He struggled repeatedly to get up, to get some air. But some invisible force is dragging him down, further and further…

Gasping for any semblance of oxygen, he felt his energy fading.

In spite of being underwater, he heard words all around him. Painful words.

GET AWAY FROM ME

HOW PATHETIC

I HATE YOU

Shinji's eyes were wide as he witnessed dark shapes with cruel eyes, disgusted at his very being. The final gasps of air left him-

As he awoke from his dream with a tiny gasp.

Shinji felt sweat on his body. The nightmare gave him a panic attack that left him shivering and cold. He brought a hand up this face to wipe it off.

He often had these types of dreams after particularly bad days. Dreams of hate that make his heart pound in fear. Even as he never formed a human bond, he did not wish to be hated. The thought terrified him, though he did not know what he could do about it. So the feeling came back no matter how much he tried to bury it.

It was after that train of thought Shinji noticed some of his sweat drops were falling… upwards?

He turned his head up-

He saw his bed.

He looked around himself-

He was on the ceiling, stuck it through his hands and feet.

"What the- AAAH!"

He fell down from his position on the roof and fell into the bed, breaking the stools on it as he fell.

With a panic, Shinji ran off into the bathroom panicking.

"No, this is a dream, obviously that wasn't real-" Shinji said in a haze of confusion, "I wasn't just up in the ceiling for no reason-"

After turning on the lights he went over to the sink and washed his face repeatedly, convinced he was hallucinating. It was only then he noticed something in the mirror.

Namely that where his thin scrawny form was stood place a slightly more muscular form that he didn't have before.

"This can't be real…" Shinji said looking at his reflection. He reached out to it with his hand, waving it around for a bit, before bringing it over to his face. Upon closer inspection of the hand he noticed that his fingers contained tiny pincers that stretched out from the tips.

He walked out of the room unsure of what was going on.

'How did I get like this? I was just fine yesterday when I got out of the hospital.' Shinji thought to himself. 'The only thing that happened was-'

The spider.

Shinji remembers that time when the Spider bit him. It sounds completely stupid and insane and yet…

Shinji placed a hand on the wall. Then another.

Both hands were joined by a pair of feet as Shinji Ikari climbed up to the ceiling once more.

Now that he could think clearly, Shinji only had one thought on his mind.

"No way."

_______________________________________________________________________

The next morning was rather strange for the boy as one can imagine.

Shinji was tired from a lack of sleep. How could he when he got weird powers and broke his bed by accident? He only wished his teacher wouldn't find the broken bed before he could do something about that. Exactly what he could do is beyond his guess, but he had to do something.

Rubbing his eyes, he walked past the groups of students walking together talking about random life activities or something. He wasn't paying too much attention.

Maybe if he had, he wouldn't have bumped directly into Prof. Inumaru and making him drop his papers.

"Eeeh! Sorry Professor!" Shinji yelled out loudly as he tried helping Inumaru get his papers, but the good professor merely held out his hand to silence him.

"It is alright Ikari." He readjusted his glasses as he stood up to properly meet his student. "I've been meaning to ask you something."

Shinji shifted slightly. "Sure. What do you want to know?"

"It was about the incident from yesterday." Inumaru said nervously. "The doctors said you were fine, but have you felt any side effects at all? Any changes?"

Shinji contemplated whether to tell Inumaru about getting his powers last night. On the one hand, he was curious about the spider and what it had done. But on the other hand…

"No sir. Nothing much happened."

He was not quite sure he could trust him.

Inumaru scratched the back of his head, "Very well. Could you do me a favor and make sure you don't tell anyone what happened alright?"

Shinji nodded, and Inumaru went back to walking down hallways with papers like teachers usually do.

From there, the boy for his part went about his day as normal. Other than nearly falling asleep in classes, nothing much really happened that was worthy of note.

Until lunchtime.

Shinji was eating alone at his own table. He rubbed his hand over his forehead, feeling a slight headache come over him as he stopped eating for a second. The headache grew stronger and he groaned.

"Just what is up with my head" Shinji grabbed his head with one hand, the other hand went in search of the tray to grab onto.

He felt a slight pricking on his wrist, which Shinji took a brief glance at from the pain on his head to see-

Some sort of fluid material covering a part of the tray.

Momentarily forgetting his headache, Shinji reacted similarly to getting his wall crawling power; by panicking. He got up quickly, the tray sticking from his hand and-

Hitting someone that was coming by, spilling all the food on his uniform. Whoops!

Oh, and not just another student either, it was 'kind and loving' Tsuyoshi Kotei.

Double whoops.

After hitting Kotei, the fluid material snapped from Shinji's hand and fell to the floor.

Thank goodness no one witnessed that, it would have exposed Shinji's secret right then and there. Narrowly avoided triple whoops.

"I'm sorry Kotei!" Shinji waved his arms around, "I didn't mean to- It was an accident!"

If one payed close attention to Kotei, one would notice one of his eyes twitching, "It's perfectly alright Ikari. I'm sorry for disrupting your lunch as well. How about we meet after school so we could eat some lunch together?" he responded with a polite tone.

Shinji felt another headache coming on. He knew that it was going to lead to trouble, but everyone was staring at him…

"Okay, I'll do it." While he wasn't a social butterfly, it would seem rude to reject an offer just like that. Not if you want everyone else to turn on you.

_______________________________________________________________________

Meeting at the rooftop of the school is pretty normal for students. It had a nice view when you wanted to get away from the crowds at the lunch table.

Another thing that was normal was Tsuyoshi Kotei and his goons surrounding and beating up people they don't like.

Truth was, Kotei was massively popular and the class representative. He has earned everyone's trust and admiration, so they didn't seem to notice or look too deeply when some students came in with bruises into the classroom, looking away from Kotei when he smiled at them holding some yen.

Or maybe they did notice. Maybe they just chose to look the other way.

Shinji was no stranger to the sight of Kotei and his goons surrounding him. Kotei had support from all around, and they were all waiting to see Kotei kicking the butt out of whoever he brings in.

He tried to get away from Kotei, but the other students held him still for Kotei.

"You ruined my uniform just now Ikari." Kotei said with a sadistic grin, much like in lab class. "You have to pay, so STEP RIGHT UP!" He had his mighty fists of steel (as he called them) raised up to beat the snot out of his new victim.

Shinji felt his headache again. 'Not now!' he thought as he clutched his head waiting for the right hook shot to the face that was coming towards him.

Then though, time slowed down.

The grinning Kotei and his fist of steel was now coming at Shinji at a snail's pace. Seemingly without thinking, Shinji moved his head aside-

Time returned as Kotei struck one of his classmates instead.

"What the hell?!" The punched out student yelled. The smug grin from Kotei disappeared in favor of confusion and anger. This volatile combination of feelings lead to Kotei throwing another fist at his missing target.

And another

And another-

Shinji was dodging all of the punches! Through some sort of instinct, Shinji's headaches seem to alert him the incoming danger, allowing him to reflexively move out of the way of the fists!

The crowd surrounding them cheered on Kotei to knock Shinji's ass to the ground, which only made Kotei more determined than ever to oblige.

"Finish it up Kotei! We're gonna check out at the warehouse down the marketplace to see if we could turn it into a crib!" yelled out one of the students surrounding the fight.

Shinji for his part was confused as to how he was sensing the danger. These headaches were only making it worse, unable for him to think properly.

But the crowd was getting anxious so finally when Shinji moved away once more some students grabbed his shoulders to keep him still.

"We got him right here for ya, Kotei! Finish off the lil bastard and we'll got the arcades next!" said an eager student. Kotei smirked.

"Nowhere to run now, Ikari. Now get ready!" Kotei raised his left hook and launched it right at Shinji's stomach.

Shinji struggled from the grabbing, but he was kept there like a lamb for the slaughter. His headaches were getting worse so without thinking as Kotei's fist reached-

Hand to hand contact was made; Shinji's hand blocked Kotei's fist.

A sickening crunch was heard.

"GGRRAAAARRRGGHH!" Kotei yelled out in anger and pain as he clutched his now broken hand.

The others let go of Shinji as they went to look over their Class Representative in Pain.

"I'm… I'm sorry…" Shinji let out in a small whisper. Kotei looked over him, rage filling his eyes.

"YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURS, IKARI!" At that, Shinji turned around and ran off quickly ignoring the yells that came from behind him.

Breaking someone's hand with your newly gained super strength? Now THAT was a triple whoops.

_______________________________________________________________________

"I got a call earlier today. It was from a parent."

Bach's Cello Suite #1 was something Shinji had been practicing for a long time. Today he was playing it with the efficiency he always had when playing it. The older man had his arms crossed as he sat facing Shinji's direction, disapproval evident on his face.

"What did they say?" Shinji asked.

"They said something about you breaking their kid's hand."

Shinji frowned, stopping the cello playing and remained silent. The older man took it as confirmation of guilt.

"I am disappointed in you. Getting into fights with students? That's very unlike you." He rubbed his eyes in frustration. Shinji returned to playing the cello, but there's a change in the way he played it.

"So? It was an accident anyway." Shinji kept his head down, his tone turning to anger.

"Accident nothing. The parents were angry, I had to apologize to them for you. They're threatening to sue. Don't you feel any sort of remorse for that?"

The cello playing became harder, to the point that it was messing up the rhythm of the piece.

"Why do you care?"

The question surprised the older man. "Come again?"

"Why do you care now?" Shinji's voice took a darker tone. "You've never cared before. How would you even know it was unlike me?"

Dropping the cello to the floor, Shinji stood up from his chair to face his teacher. Anger boiled directly in his eyes as he started yelling, "You never talk to me, you never ask how I am or how I feel! You didn't even visit me when I was in the hospital the other day. The only thing we ever do together is you teaching me how to play the cello! If you cared before, you would have said something A LONG TIME AGO!"

The older man also stood up to face his student, "Sit back down!"

"No I won't!" Shinji got out of the room fuming. He took a raincoat and slammed the door open.

"You will get back in here right this instant!" The older man may have said more things, but Shinji wasn't listening as he ran away from the house.

The boy ran as far as he could, but even he got tired after a while. He stopped at a near by lamppost to catch a breath.

Clutching the lamppost, he looked around to see where he was. Judging from the various stores around the area, he seemed to have taken a turn into the marketplace unknowingly. Sighing as he put his hands his pockets, Shinji realized he still had his S-DAT player and earphones with him. With this, he made the decision to just walk around the street to clear his thoughts while listening to music.

He placed his hood on and walked away not noticing the dent he made onto the lamppost from clutching it too hard. He put on the earphones and set the tape to 25 as per usual.

Kanashimi ni michita machi he to

Suna majiri no kaze wa fuite

Walking around alone while listening to music, that was something Shinji was comfortable with. He didn't have to fear what people think of him, how they saw him, didn't have to think about his problems… that was good.

Kasukana kibou no kakera mo

Maboroshi ni kaete shimau kedo

This was good. Shinji just let himself get caught up in the same track he always played during those moments, especially on the train rides to school.

You are the only one

sou yo

anata dake

His eyes took a quick glance around, coming upon a random scene.

Someone (around his age, Shinji thought absentmindedly) was mugging a random middle aged woman.

"Gimme the damn purse, old hag!" said the guy grabbing onto to the purse while the lady is desperately trying to get it back.

"No! Let go of it!" The lady bit her lip but eventually she lost the battle. The guy dragged the purse away from her, knocking her to the ground. He ran straight into Shinji's direction.

Feeling another headache, Shinji looked up-

and without thinking, stepped to the side.

The woman looked up, her eyes watering up as the mugger got away. "That man stole my purse!" She said desperately trying to get up to chase down the man.

As she went past Shinji, another man patted the boy's shoulder.

"It's okay, kid. Anyone would be scared of that." He said Shinji with an understanding tone. "I'm gonna try to help her out, get home safe!"

That man ran off to help the poor woman. For his part, the boy continued trekking down the area, not once thinking of what happened there.

'Was I supposed to stop it? It's not like it was my problem or anything.' He thought, turning around a corner desperately trying to avoid any thinking.

His headaches increased by a strong amount-

Shinji jumped away just in time to avoid a car.

He heard some yelling but really all he could focus on was the fact that he clung onto the walls of a building.

And that he was high up.

"WAAH!" Shinji nearly slipped off the building before firmly reattaching his hands to it. He looked around quaking with a tinge of fear.

Luckily the hood on his coat managed to decently hide his face from anyone looking below. It seemed luck was on his side a lot these days. He crawled up the wall to avoid getting seen by more people.

Getting to the rooftop, he stopped to catch his breath. 'Climbing up walls, getting headaches whenever I'm in trouble… breaking hands,'Shinji cringed at the thought, 'and that stuff from the tray. How much can I do?'

If he wanted not to break someone's hand again, he needed to test out his new powers. But where could he find a decent place for it?

He remembered one of the students during the fight mentioning a warehouse down this district… maybe he should check that out?

_______________________________________________________________________

The warehouse as it turned out was not too far.

Indeed, Shinji was surprised the building wasn't torn down already. The place was deserted, no one in sight. He was surprised not even Kotei's gang was here, given the earlier proclamation of turning it into a "crib".

Whatever, this will have to do.

With his new "wall crawling" powers, he managed to get inside the place just fine. Once he got in, he surveyed the area. Lots of crates, an abandoned car, but a whole lot of empty space as well.

Empty space for which to practice.

Shinji jumped right into the center of the area. With his new strength, he landed with ease. He took off his jacket and other stuff to make sure they don't get broken. Lord knows he doesn't want his walkman broken, how else would he hide away from his issues?

He thought about lunch period earlier. A fluid came out from his hand that latched itself to the tray… that bumped into Kotei. Shinji let out an involuntary chuckle. 'How did it come out..?'. He tried to think about how to release the white fluid from his body (his face blushed at how that came out- oh get Shinji get your head out of the gutter!). He looked over his hand. Maybe it was how the hand was positioned…?

He held out his hand away from him, "Go?"

Nothing happened.

Flexing his hand again, he tried a thumbs up gesture, "Release."

Nope.

This time, he faced his palm outwards, triumphantly crying out, "HONEEEYYY FLASH!"

Nada to the third power, receiving a large blush for his trouble.

Trying out various more poses and flexes, Shinji was getting frustrated with the lack of results. 'I was able to do it before, why doesn't it work now?,' it feels like the luck he possessed earlier had disappeared. Grabbing his head in his hands, he kicked some dust from the floor. Waving his arms around, 'I really hope that wasn't a one time thing, that wouldn't be very good-'

Thwip!

Shinji heard it, and turning to meet the noise he saw the fluid had again flown, this time from his left hand attached to a pillar. The fluid-

‘No… webbing.’ He thought. The webbing had detached from his hand this time, when it didn't during the tray incident. 'Maybe back then, I was suffering the headaches and wasn't thinking straight. Now that my head is clear and thought about it, it detached itself from my hand.' He memorized the form of his hand (the index, little and thumb fingers extended with the middle and ring fingers held down. 'The rock and roll pose,' Shinji thought somewhat amused). Trying it again with his other hand, he positioned upwards and thwip, another web line launched onto the support beam on the roof. He clutched the web with his hand, pulling on it to test the strength. His belief in the web established, he decided to try something.

Clutching the web line with both his hands, he climbed it. Slowly of course, he raised a hand up, and another hand up and sure enough, the web was strong enough to support his body! Shinji was grinning from ear to ear like a child as he marveled at the fact he was getting the hang of his powers.

"This is amazing! I can't believe I can do thi-WHOAH!" Shinji yelled out as he realized he made a mistake. See, while he tested the web line to make sure it was strong enough to hold him, he didn't check to see if the wooden support beam the web was attached to was strong enough to hold him.

As such, the support beam broke and now Shinji pays the price. He fell to the ground on his back, the web falling with him. And WHAM! The support beam wasn't too far behind, hitting him as well.

"Owww…" Shinji groaned in pain. Thank God he had super strength or else he would have broken his back in day one.

_______________________________________________________________________

The next morning was a pain for Shinji.

Not just pain from last night's little endeavor (thought it did hurt a lot), but also the fact that in order to get to school he has to get past his teacher. The one he blew off last night in anger. The one he waited until he was sure he was in bed before coming back inside.

'Maybe if I'm lucky I could just get to the door and walk away before anything happens.' Shinji tried to think optimistically, a rare thing for someone with low self esteem like himself. The poor boy walked down the stairs sneakily, making sure not to make a sound. Step by step, he just had to make it past the kitchen-

"Ikari."

Yup, his luck definitely ran out last night.

Shinji cringed as he faced the older man sitting on the table. The lack of a newspaper and the way his arms were folded suggested a long conversation was about to ensue.

"Sit down. We need to talk."

And he was right. Shinji followed his teacher's instructions and sat down, placing his hands in front of him.

Facing each other, the two sat there in silence. Neither of them moved or made a sound, as it seemed both were thinking about what to say.

Shinji decided to try first. "I'm sor-"

"You're a lot like him you know. Like your father."

Shinji looked at his teacher surprised. The older man continued, "The two of us went to college together way back when. The two of you are ones to keep things close to your chest, never letting people see what's inside your heart. Then again… I'm not really that much better am I?" He took out his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Shinji stayed quiet to let him continue.

"The truth was… I hated your father. Ever since I met him. He was a smug and petty man who got into fights in bars for no reason and always got me and my friends into trouble along the way. We even called him the Bastard King as a joke once or twice. You though?" The older man stared at Shinji intently, "I never hated you. When the bastard left you all alone on that train station, I was angry he would just leave you like that, especially after your mother died. I took it upon myself to make sure you were taken care of. Taught you how to cook, how to play the cello, got you into school and got the tapes for your Walkman because I wanted you to grow up alright."

He turned his head down, "But when you yelled at me yesterday… I realized that wasn't enough. You thought I didn't care about you… and that was my failing."

Slowly, carefully, he extended his left arm across the table, his hand meeting Shinji's right hand. Shinji was surprised, but… he didn't remove his hand or turn away. That was a sign for the older man to continue. "Shinji… I'm sorry. For making you think I didn't care. You don't deserve that. You never did. You are my responsibility. I promise you, from now on I promise I'll try to be a better guardian for your sake. If you want me to."

Shinji swallowed a lump in his throat. What could he possibly say? This was something completely out of left field!

"Th- this is all so sudden! I don't know what to say." Shinji let out in a yelp.

"You don't have to say anything." The older man had a small, bittersweet smile. "Don't worry about it, just take your time with your answer. I didn't expect you accept this right away. But I hope I can make things right. That we can be better."

Shinji had a small frown, "Yeah…"

The conversation wasn't over though. "There was something else I need to mention. I believe you when you said it was an accident when you broke the Kotei boy's hand. You're not the type to pick fights out of nowhere, you were probably forced into that fight. I wonder how you got strong though to break his hand though. You never exercised once in the entire time you lived here."

"Uhhh…" Shinji didn't expect to be questioned on that, "I'll explain it when I get home today?"

The older man made a slight smirk, "Sure. Just be careful with your strength. The Kotei boy was out of line, but you could hurt someone with that kind of power. Be responsible okay?" He got up from the table. "Now shoo. I need to handle some paperwork. Go to school."

"R-right." Shinji didn't have to think twice. He got up and went out as quickly as he could.

_______________________________________________________________________

"Yeah, haha!"

It was sunset at the warehouse. Shinji jumped from a column onto the wall, only to shoot a web up to the ceiling and swing across the room. Shooting another web string up for another swing, Shinji was elated!

School was about the same as usual. Kotei didn't mention his hand getting broken to the class, claiming he got hurt in an accident, so Shinji didn't have to worry about having everyone turning against him even more. Prof. Inumaru looked at him suspiciously, but hadn't said a word. Shinji wanted to get away as soon as possible.

Which is why after school he went back to the warehouse to train his powers. As the afternoon passed by, he found himself getting better and better. Now he got enough mastery over the powers that he could do tricks.

Shinji swung into a pack of crates, where he attached himself to them with his hands, hanging himself upside down, then jumping up to the ceiling.

Swinging around the webs was fun, but Shinji wondered what if he could swing across the buildings in the city! Or if he could travel from jumping from rooftop to rooftop like a parkour expert would! With his spider sense (he decided to call it that, considering he didn't know what else he could call it), he could sense any danger so he would be able to get himself out of any problems he faced in town. Now that he didn't have to worry about Kotei, Inumaru, his teacher, anyone else, Shinji was truly excited about what his new powers bring!

He ran across the ceiling and zipped up to the wall.

What his teacher said though…

Shinji jumped back to the ground. He wanted to believe it. He so badly wanted to believe it was true. But what if it was some kind of trick? Why now? The poor boy hadn't known affection, so to hear his teacher make his confession earlier shook him.

Thinking back though… though he didn't visit him in the hospital, he still brought Shinji his S-DAT Player. The older man taught Shinji life skills he would need for the future like cooking and even taught him to play the cello when the boy expressed an interest in it when he was four. He wasn't good at showing it but… maybe he did care?

"This is all so confusing…" Shinji said to an empty room filled with boxes.

But he was being honest. The older man opened up to him and said wanted to make things right. Shinji wasn't sure if it was going to happen, but-

"I'll tell him… I'll tell him about the spider, that I have these powers. I'll tell him everything." Shinji decided firmly.

If his teacher was able to let his defenses down, then Shinji must do the same.

He jumped out of the warehouse and started his walk back.

_______________________________________________________________________

Turning around the corner, Shinji eyes widened at the sight in front of him.

The house was surrounded by a police car and an ambulance, sirens blaring loudly.

The initial shock wearing off, Shinji panicked and ran straight through the officers to enter the house though some officers stopped him from entering.

"What's happening? What's going on?" Shinji yelled out as he tried to break away from the cops' grabbing hold on him.

Another officer came over. "You must be Takuji Yamashiro's ward, Shinji Ikari. I'm sorry to tell you but…"

"Let me go! Where's-" Shinji stopped when he saw another thing that made his heart stopped.

A group of officers were carrying a bag. A body bag.

Shinji looked over the cop who came over. "I'm sorry, but your guardian…"

"No… nonono NO!" Shinji escaped the grips of the officers as he ran to the body bag being carried away towards the ambulance car.

"Please no! YAMASHIRO! Please…" He felt his eyes getting watery as he tried to grab onto the bag, only to be pulled away by other officers. "Why… why did this happen?"

One officer held a shoulder over the poor boy. "A burglar broke into the place an hour ago. A witness heard a gunshot sound and called us in, but he managed to get away before we could arrive. From what we heard from other officers he was last seen around Mayonaka Park. We're gonna catch him-"

At that, Shinji ran away from the officers, onto the streets on his own. The officer saw for a split second trails of tears falling on the boy's face, along with fiery eyes twisted onto an angry face. He let out a heavy sigh.

"Poor kid… he needs some time to himself."

_______________________________________________________________________

Nighttime reigned in Mayonaka Park.

One of the various changes introduced to the newly christened Kokoro was the creation of a large park around the small neighborhood. It was a rather popular area for dates and tourists, intentionally done to bring some nature into the city. A forest was grown in this area, which was what the burglar was counting on when he ran inside the park to escape the police. Nighttime, fairly large trees and being very good at running are key factors in his plan. When the time is right, he'll get away with the money he stole.

This would be his lucky night!

So why was his whole body shaking? He took a brief glance at his gun. He managed to swipe it off a police officer he passed by. He thought it would make things easier for himself, but shooting that guy in his house… that wasn't part of the plan. That wasn't supposed to happen! He just wanted the money! Why didn't he just give it to him?

'He just talked to me, asking about why I was robbing… keeping me distracted while reaching for the phone!' That's what the burglar tells himself, but he was having doubts about that. He couldn't be sure. If it was a trick of the mind or something, then he wound up killing a man for nothing. He couldn't be sure and that was driving him mad.

"Calm down, you gotta get outta here!" Slowly losing his mind. he started breathing heavily as he was suffering a nervous breakdown right in the middle of the Park's forest.

A twig snapped.

"WHO'S THERE!" The burglar waved his gun around, eyes bulging in a state of panic. Looking around he couldn't see anyone. "COME OUT ALREADY!"

After several more minutes of searching, he backed up to a tree as he saw it.

A shadow a few feet from him.

"DON'T COME ANY CLOSER, I GOT A GUN YOU HEAR ME!" He screamed out in fear.

The figure came two steps closer.

"GO AWAY!" He fired the gun straight at the shadow… but it didn't hit.

In the split second that the shadow dodged the bullet, it threw something from his hand above the burglar. Then a tree branch hit the burglar's arm, knocking away the gun from his hand!

Another few seconds and the shadow was right in front of the burglar and hit his stomach. Another punch was launched into his right cheek, and another to the left! The shadow was launching a series of punches at the burglar which he can't escape from!

"You bastard, I'm gonna GET YOU!" In a small break, the burglar managed to throw a punch… but the shadow grabbed it. He grabbed hold of the fist-

"GYAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!" and squeezed it for all it's worth, with the intent to make the burglar suffer.

The shadow grabbed hold of the burglar with the other hand and tossed him across the forest, knocking him into a nearby lamppost!

"Why you doing this?" The burglar said in rapid, ragged breaths. "What'd I ever do to you?!"

"You know what you did, murderer." The voice of the shadow was a cold, angry tone.

The burglar's eyes widened in surprise, "I swear, I didn't mean to kill him-"

"HE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!" The burglar tried to get up, but the shadow was too quick and just whaled on him. Each punch was damaging; a broken nose, loose teeth, chest hurting like mad. The shadow had no mercy for this man. He has gone berserk. "You KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED HIM!"

"I didn't even know his name…" The burglar let out in a hoarse voice, reeling from his injuries. "I just wanted his money… why didn't he call the cops?"

His shirt was grabbed by both of the shadow's hands. "You're going to pay for what you did!" He held him up and pushed him straight into the lamppost.

The light from the lamppost helped the burglar get a good luck at his attacker.

A kid. A small, brown haired, blue eyed kid. Who was crying and angry. The burglar got a strange sensation he had seen him before…

But the kid's face went from righteous anger into one of pure shock. The burglar could have sworn he heard him say You… The shock caused his hands to let go of the burglar, who tried to scurry away from the young boy.

"Get away from me, you little psycho!" He folded his arms around his head, crying from the pain.

A short silence passed between the two as the burglar sniffled, hugging and weeping to himself.

The burglar felt himself getting covered in something.

"You won't say anything." The burglar heard footsteps growing distant with each second.

By the time the police arrived, the burglar allowed himself get arrested.

_______________________________________________________________________

It was him.

The burglar. He was the same thief from yesterday. The one let escape with a woman's purse.

'It's all my fault.' Shinji thought as he rubbed his eyes with his shoulder. No matter how much he tried, the tears wouldn't stop. 'If I had stopped him-'

If he had stopped the thief, then Takuji Yamashiro would still be alive.

He would have told Yamashiro about his powers. They would have talked more, opened up more to one another and maybe at last have a true relationship.

'You could hurt someone with that kind of power. Be responsible okay?'

But he's gone now. And it was his fault, and he nearly beat a man to death in his anger.

The adrenaline gone, Shinji was ashamed of what he had did. What he had nearly done. He had powers and using them like that, wailing on a man… it made him sick. That and not using his powers to stop the thief when he could made him feel more shame. Shaking his head, he wanted to stop thinking. Shinji reached into his pocket. He pulled out his S-DAT player and earphones to listen to music once more. He started the walk back to his house, no doubt the police would want him to answer questions-

"HELP!"

Just as he was about to place the earphones on, he heard that word cried out in the darkness. He took a glance throughout the street and sure enough, in an alley he saw the same woman from yesterday getting accosted from some thugs.

Shinji couldn't take his eyes off of the scene. He tried walking off, to just put on the headphones and listen to his favored music.

A thug put his hand around her mouth and pushed her towards the wall while the other one dumped the contents of her purse onto the ground.

You are the only one. sou yo anata dake

But he couldn't do that. He just couldn't.

Afureteru namida sukuu no wa

His body moving without thinking, he dropped the earphones and ran straight towards the alley.

You must fly away

itsumo

omotteru

Kiseki okosu chikara wo shinjite

Author's Notes:

It’s an old one from 2018. I’m not going to be posting more chapters on here. If you want to see more adventures of this particular Spider-Shinji, go to here or here.

The song that Shinji is listening to is You are the only one by Kotono Mitsuishi, from the Lilia from Ys soundtrack. A rough translation of the lyrics is here:

(1) To a place to guide you

A flock of birds flapping

What is on the dry earth

A lot of cracked hearts

I can hear the voice that calls you

Strong enough to beat the buzz

You are the only one

(2) To a town full of sorrow

The wind of sand is blowing

Even a small piece of hope

I'll change it

(3) You are the only one

The overflowing tears

You must fly away

Believe in the power of miracles

[tiny-smallest]

day six - instrument

Rating: G Characters: Jack and Sammy Warnings: none Description: Jack wonders why Sammy is so protective of one particular banjo.

He eventually gets his answer, but not in any way he would’ve wanted.

Also on AO3!

----

Everyone knew that as long as you treated them right, anything from the music room was fair game. Violins, cellos, flutes, whatever. Sammy didn't even especially seem to care if you had no business with one of his charges owing to not being in the band. As long as you were careful and not taking something that couldn't be done without, anything was yours to borrow.

Except one.

Jack often pondered about why Sammy was so darn careful with the old banjo. It was the oldest one of the bunch- not just of the strings, but of anything the band department owned. Even being lovingly cared for didn't hide that fact, though it did certainly make the banjo sing as well as any of the rest. Still, it also made it confusing when Sammy snapped at anyone who handled it clumsily.

He never kept it in one of the band room closets with the others, either. It was always in his office, and if it was not in the office's closet it was in his hands, usually being tuned or cleaned. It was a common thing to see secured on his back when walking around, beating out a guitar by a few hairs.

"Is it your personal banjo?" He asked Sammy one day while troubleshooting a song that called for a banjo.

"Mmhm."

"The guitar?" He noted that had made a home for itself in the room recently, too.

"Yup."

And he offered up nothing more.

There was a mystery solved--and not one that really needed solving but hey, a little fun now and again wasn't a crime--but it still left one more. 

Sammy wasn't as tender with the guitar as the banjo. It was tempting to pick it up to look at it sometime when Sammy was out of the room, but Sammy didn't like people touching it. Maybe if he liked you he'd let you play it if you asked, but Jack didn't really want to examine it right in front of him. And it wasn't right to look at it when he wasn't here to protest. Sammy might not never know, but Jack sure would.

So Jack watched Sammy play his banjo to sound out their problem, and wondered if he'd ever know.

----

The depths gurgled, the wooden structure of the building groaning. Its body, little more than goop in the halfway-shape of a human, sludged along like a slug.

This one was blessed with slightly more awareness than many other Searchers, and maybe that was why the peculiar Lost One didn't run when it approached. He tilted his head instead, his glowing gold eye watching the Searcher venture around the room, picking up objects and looking at them from time to time. He wondered what he was looking for.

It stopped behind him, and he half twisted his body around to watch it paw at his banjo. Despite all odds he found himself smiling, and he slipped it over his head.

"Did you want to look at this? I-"

He realized very suddenly he did not want that.

"... I'll let you look at it, but don't take," he said finally, kneeling to let the Searcher... well, search. It wasn't every day he met one this friendly. The Swellers were the only ones he knew of who were, and they mostly just stayed in one spot and made noises; passive wasn't exactly friendly. He could encourage this. Maybe it would help the Searcher become a Lost One. Like him.

Forever looking, and not sure for what. At least being Lost would afford it the awareness to know it was lost, and not just hungry.

The Searcher patted it a little, thankfully not leaving inky handprints behind.

"It's mine," he said. He didn't know how he knew it. He just did. "Our Lord's song led me to it when I first emerged, you know. It must have been mine. Maybe it was made for me."

The Searcher stared at him. Ah, right. It couldn't understand him yet, probably. Maybe someday. Maybe someday soon, if it was already this aware, if it was looking right at him when he spoke.

He flipped it over to let it look at the other side.

The Searcher had been doing little more than lightly slapping at it with his hands, but this time it paused and very slowly, very deliberately, traced the carved letters.

SL,

Love,

A song so loud they can't quell it; a fire too bright to snuff out.

Keep singing. Happy fifteenth.

HSD & JD

"It's nice, isn't it. I wonder if I'll ever know what it means."

-----

Also in case anyone missed day one here it is (tumblr | AO3). I think I’m most proud of this one right now.

Also also I didn’t want to plug this during the challenge but I could really use some help. Commissions are open and you could also throw a few dollars my way via my ko-fi. Reblogs to my commission sheet are much appreciated!