#see how it shines

[smallpapers]

i will not be great

but i’m grateful to get through

the feeling came late

i’m still glad i met you

[fairyopalz]

imagine your card declining in therapy and them bringing in hozier to sing abstract (psychopomp) live

[rosyopal-eva]

your tear caught the light, the earth from a distance

[whim513]

abstract psychopomp comes on and suddenly i’m the poor thing in the road

[fortheloveoffanfic]

See How it Shines

Andy Barber x Reader

Summary: Twenty years after they went their separate ways, Andy and Y/n meet again- and they still have regrets.

Warnings: Infidelity, angst.

Andy remembers the moment he realized he was in love with her; the city lights reflecting in her eyes, giving them the most otherworldly shine and the shadows that stray tendrils of hair had cast on her face while the fragrance of jasmine tickled his nose. He remembers the way his heart skipped when the thought finally showed itself, like an impromptu encore from your favorite band or biting into spring's first fruit. Though, it was hardly surprising; some part of him must have always known- he must have always felt it, it just took realizing. Andy remembers feeling traces of her warmth permeating his shirt when she settled beside him, and he remembers exactly what it felt like to drape an arm around her shoulders- like he was holding the world in his embrace.

He remembers being so nervous to tell her that his heart felt like it was in his stomach; what if it was too soon and she didn't say it back? What if she simply didn't feel the same?

They'd only known each other for a couple weeks by then, a sure-fire way to scare her off would have been saying something of that gravity and he was suddenly so scared of losing her. So instead, those three little, weighty words became the world's best kept secret for two months. Two whole months, until they returned to that hilltop thirty minutes clear of the city, a place that had unofficially become 'theirs' in their brief time together. 

"I love you."

"What?" A gentle breeze whips her hair as turns to face him. There's a moment of horror that runs through him when he notes the shock on her face- has he read the signals wrong? Is it still too soon? "What'd you just say?" She rasps jaw hanging slack and eyes wide; he can see that all, even in the dimness. 

"I said…." Andy hesitates, realizing that it'll be his only moment to let fear win and retract his words. But he also realizes that he doesn't want to; he wants to love her. Or maybe there's no choice to it, maybe he's just meant to. Andy doesn't believe in fate but he does know that from the minute they'd  met, he'd felt like everything in his life made a bit more sense. He made a bit more sense. "I said that I love you."

Again, Y/n stalls, but this time, she breaks into a breathy smile that makes his chest feel all warm. "I love you too," she breathes. 

After a beat, he emits a relieved chuckle, "That's awesome." Its hardly the right word, but coming up with anything more in the moment seems impossible; there can't possibly be any one word that describe his euphoria in the moment. The overwhelming joy that comes with knowing that he's standing there with someone he loves, and knowing that she loves him back. 

She knows his worst secret- which he shared far too soon- and she still loves him. He thinks he'll cherish that moment forever. 

And now that moment- twenty years later- hurts to think about. 

But he doesn't really beat himself up over it anymore; there are more recent mistakes that do the job perfectly fine now. Parenting mistakes, marriage mistakes. Though, that never stops him from thinking what if;

What if he hadn't hurt Y/n? What if he'd married her instead?

It's usually around that time that Andy firmly reminds himself of two very important things; despite the events of their last year together, he did, and still does have love for Laurie- she gave him their son and they had a great life together; and that nothing good comes from dwelling on the past. 

That is, until he's looking the past right in her face. Suddenly, he's standing in the middle of the little apartment they shared near campus and her face is blotchy and tear-stained. He feels the same humiliation that he had back then and Andy swears he can hear the betrayal in her voice when she asks;

"How could you?"

Trapped in the memory, Andy doesn't manage anything until Y/n breaks the silence by daring to softly call out to him. "Andy?"

Stuttering, he attempts to shake off the thought, "Y/n," he breathes, "Hey."

Her shock softens to a pretty smile, "Hi. Oh my god." She  steps closer and he isn't sure who leans out for the hug first, but he is certain that Y/n is the first to pull away and put an end to their awkwardly stiff  embrace. 

Hugging her never used to feel like that. Y/n's arms were always the place where Andy found the most comfort. A harbor in the storm, a safe place to land. And she was used to be so much more comfortable in his; no invisible walls, no reluctance to lean in. No space between their chests.

Then again, that was all twenty years ago, before he'd gotten someone else pregnant a couple weeks shy of their second anniversary. 

"I can't believe it's really you."

He matches her faint grin, "Neither can I- believe it's you, I mean. God," he huffs, rubbing the back of his neck wearily, "It's been too long."

Y/n's expression falters and she shrugs, "I guess, yeah." He doesn't miss the way she swallows thickly and it's enough for him to realize that all isn't as well as he'd first thought- not that he can blame her. He's still the guy that broke her heart and she's still the woman he brought to tears with his stupidity. 

"Um…." She shakes her head when a brief period of awkward silence stretches on, "How….how have you been? I read about your….." Y/n trails off again and he gets the sense that she doesn't really want to finish the sentence; if talking to people when his son was accused of murder was strange, talking to them after he died was even worse. There's always the most palpable pity in their eyes that makes Andy feel uncomfortably vulnerable. "I'm sorry," waving her hand dismissively, Y/n frowns a little, "I shouldn't have-"

"No, it's alright," Andy promises, "I'm used to it."

"Not the kind of thing anyone should have to get used to," Y/n empathizes, "I meant to call," she offers, "But….."

"I know you must be busy," he shifts the strap of his leather laptop bag higher up on his shoulder and she does the same with her handbag. 

"It's not that," Y/n licks her lips, "I just….. didn't know what to say," she ducks her head and chuckles dryly, "It's been so long, felt like I didn't know you anymore."

"Feels like I don't even know you," her voice breaks and red rimmed eyes are brimmed with tears. 

Wincing at the memory, Andy nods. "Right," he clears his throat and as they settle into another bout of silence, he finds himself appraising her appreciatively. Somehow, she looks completely different and exactly the same- the maturity of a woman who’s lived an impressive life and the same sparkle in her eyes as the young woman that an idiotic college kid fell crazy in love with. "You look….really good," he blurts out, immediately regretting, "I mean like…..life's been good to you."

Really good. But he's already said too much. 

Y/n laughs at his comment, "Not that good. I'm actually here," she gestures to their surroundings, the bustling law firm in Boston, "To finalize my divorce."

Well now he really regrets his words. "Oh shit," he scrubs his hand over his mouth, "I'm sorry- I didn't know……" He scoffs, searching for the right words; what did people tell him after his divorce?

No one talked to him after his divorce.

"It's alright," Y/n waves him off, "Good riddance, right?" She laughs, but the smile doesn't reach her eyes and seconds later her face falls, just like it did when he'd told her what he'd done all those years ago, "He was…. cheating."

"Oh…..

"Yeah…."

"Look, maybe I should-"

"I don't think I ever-" 

In unison, they apologize for interrupting each other, and insistence on both ends, Y/n convinces Andy to finish his first. “I was just saying,” nervously, he scrubs his short nails through his scruff, “I don’t think I ever apologized for…..” Andy can’t seem to bring himself to say the words ‘cheating on you’, so he doesn’t, “What happened with Laurie,” he swallows thickly, “I never meant to….”

“Sleep with her or get her pregnant?” She finishes hastily, but there isn’t as much venom in her voice as there was when he’d first told her. 

“I was gonna say hurt you,” Andy corrects sheepishly, “I know its not an excuse but I was a dumb kid who didn’t realize what he had.”

Y/n's features soften and she sighs, “We were both dumb kids,” she flashes him a glimmer of a smile, “Maybe we just weren’t meant to be.”

Disquieted by the thought, Andy nods stiffly. For so long he’s thought of her as the one who’d gotten away, the one who he’d still be with if he could do it all over again. “Right,” he rasps, “Right. Uh-”

“Look, um, I should get going. It’s late and I don’t wanna keep you….” Her words petter off. Reluctantly, Andy hums in agreement. Though, after that, neither of them make a move to leave, at least, not for another thirty seconds. Standing in the midst of the ground floor of the bustling firm, he holds her gaze and he thinks he sees a melancholic combination that he often finds reflected in the mirror.

Pain, sadness, regret. 

“Well um…” Y/n’s tongue darts out to moisten her lips and Andy’s stare flickers to them for a second. He remembers kissing her like it was yesterday; her lips were always soft and her pink-tinted lip balm always reminded him of spring. “I’m gonna….” She gestures weakly to the door. 

“Right, yeah,” he drags his lower lips through his teeth, “Maybe I’ll see you around.” At that, Y/n smiles a little again and nods before stepping forward. 

She’s just passing him when he catches a whiff of her perfume, no longer sweet jasmine that had lingered on his coat long after he'd vacated their apartment but now roses mixed with something woody.

Then it hits him; it'll probably be the last time they'll be that close to each other. What are the odds that he'll see her again?

Is he really gonna let them part ways without saying everything that he’s been longing to? For a second time, no less. 

"I still think about that night," he begins suddenly, and they're still standing shoulder to shoulder when she turns to look at him quizzically, "That night….at our spot," Andy pauses, and when Y/n doesn't respond he continues, "I think about how sure I was that it was gonna be you for the rest of my life," he breaks their matched gaze to hide the shame in his glacial pools. He really had thought that, in his mind, there was an entire future all mapped out and sprawled before him. Finish law school, marry Y/n, work his way up the rungs in the DA's office, move to suburbs and start a family. For a damn long time, Andy had convinced himself that most of it was better than none, but as he stands with her there, he realizes that there's a lot he'd do to have the one thing-person- that was missing.

He has a lot of love for Laurie; she gave him their son and they built a home together, but there's still a flame in his heart that burns in Y/n's name.  

"And I think about how I regret not trying to fix things with you….all the damn time," he finishes after a beat, holding his breath for her response- or the moment Y/n huffs and walks off. 

When Andy looks back at Y/n, her eyes  brimmed with tears and just for a millisecond, they're right in that moment again; emotions running on high, shame taunt in his chest and tears raining down on her face. "For months I hoped you'd come back," she swallows harshly, "I stopped caring about how stupid it was to take you back- I just knew that I would if you asked. But you never did," her words are punctuated by a quiet sniffle, "Then I heard that you'd married her."

"It was the right thing to do," he quips, off-the-cuff, only to add; "Or at least, it felt like it was back then…..it was supposed to be. And I didn't think you wanted me back," he shrugs halfheartedly. 

She blinks quickly, probably to remedy the tears gathered in her eyes. "I shouldn't," the words are just an octave above a whisper, but Andy doesn't miss them. "I shouldn't think about you as much as I do," her eyes momentarily pans down to their feets, open toed heels now pointed towards brown, leather shoes, "I shouldn't…."

"But I do," Andy slips his fingers under her chin, tipping her face upwards a little. There's an urgency in his eyes when they meet hers again and he hopes that they elucidate his eagerness when he asks, "Would you get a drink with me sometime?"

"Maybe we should get coffee sometime," Andy suggests nervously, feet shuffling on the worn asphalt outside the campus library, hands buried deep in the pockets of a coat that he doesn't realize is soon going to smell like the perfume that caught his attention in the first place. 

Y/n knits her brows and Andy finally moves his hands away from her face and she cocks a half smile, "What about now?" 

Y/n huffs a chuckle, a sound that makes his heart race and warmth rushes to her cheeks. She carves out another moment to weigh his offer while adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. "What about now?" She tilts her head slightly to the side and her eyes are slightly squinted, though Andy isn't sure if its because of the overhead, afternoon sun or because she's challenging him- daring to see if he really wants to go out with someone he's known for all of two hours. 

"Now?" Andy perks up.

He beams excitedly, "Now?"

Y/n licks her lips, "Yeah," she smiles softly, "Why not? Could be nice to….catch up, right?"

"Uh huh," Y/n breathes, "Why not?" 

Sucking in a breath, Andy has a hard time fighting the excited grin that threatens to split his cheeks, "Couldn't think of a reason if I tried," he offers and she laughs softly, the way she always used to at his awful jokes. He'd never been funny- Andy had never been a lot of things, but Y/n always saw the best in him.

And he'd shown her his worst.

But he won't again; he's hardly going to allow himself to get carried away and think that a couple drinks will change everything, but it's a start and that's better than pining. 

"Alright, let's do it," he squares his shoulders and despite the shine in her eyes making butterflies flutter in his stomach, he finds the confidence to offer his arm. 

"Good." When she links her elbow with his, Andy sucks in a breath, hoping Y/n doesn't feel the nerves radiating off him. 

Taking a chance, while still maintaining some distance between them, he lays his hand in the small of her as they turn to head out of the building together, and surprisingly Y/n doesn't stiffen at the contact that time. "Great," she briefly glances up at him, allowing Andy to revel in that shine again- the one that dances in her eyes when she's in a good mood. The one he's been yearning to see. 

[oh-let-there-be-hotel-complaints]

“What’s something that changed your brain chemistry?”

Going to a Hozier concert and between a few songs he says “okay let’s brighten the mood a little” and proceeds to sing a song about watching an animal die in the road after being hit by a car.

[orchideous-nox]

There's nothing that hurts more than listening to your favourite song and realising suddenly how much you relate to it.

Like my day would have been so much better if the lines "darlin' there's a part of me I'm afraid will always be trapped within an abstract from a moment of my life" didn't hit so close to home today.

It's soul destroying.

[sunlight-fics]

Stars

•Andrew Hozier X reader

-Warnings: none, fluff and Andrew think you’re trying to kill him.

~Enjoy!~

You and Andrew have been engaged for a while now and you love every second of your life with him. From watching him perform at festivals or just baking together in the kitchen of the house both of you own. He was on tour in United States and with you being from the states you decided to go along with him. One of the shows was not far way from your parents house and your hometown. You talked to your parents before had about staying just for the night and they weren’t reluctant to let y’all in. The day had gone great and the concert was even better. It was around 11 pm when everyone said goodnight and when to their own rooms. You and Andrew shared your old room together, while laying in your oversized childhood bed you started thinking about how your father would take you out each morning to the country to see the stars. “Hey Andy?” You said while rolling over to look at him. “Yea?” His thick Irish accent made your heart flutter. “I was thinking. Me and my dad always used to go out to the country and stargaze or just drive. There are some really beautiful things out there. Would you like if I took you tomorrow morning?” He opened his eyes and looked at you smiling. “Sure. I would love to, honey.” He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him. “Oh awesome! It will be a little early, but it’s definitely worth it.” You could help but smile. “I’m sure it will be worth it, darling.” He buried his head the crease of your neck and whispers “I’ll see you in the morning, my love. I’m excited.” You felt his breathing on you neck and as he said that you couldn’t help but smile. “I’ll see you in the morning.” You whispered back at him. You set your alarm and went straight to sleep. The alarm woke you up at exactly 5 AM. You gently rubbed Andrew’s back trying to gently wake him up. After a good couple of minutes he finally woke up, y’all got dressed and ready of the day. While you were waiting on Andrew to get dressed (because he was having an outfit crisis) you made and pour you both coffee. Finally he settled on just sweatpants and the sweater you bought him. Handing him a cup of coffee, the both of y’all left the house quietly. Getting the car he rented you in the drivers seat and him in the passengers, y’all headed off into the woods. While driving you connected your phone to the car stereo, you decided to turn on some of Noah Kahan’s music instead of torturing him with his own music. Y’all were getting deeper and deeper into the woods, he turns a looks at you. “Do you have a plan to kill me?” He ask with a grin. “Hell no! Why would I?!” You responded a little confused. “I guess watch that horror film last night got me edge…” He said in responses. “Well I promise I’m not going to kill you.” After a while of driving and singing long with the song she pulled over to a little trail, you parked the car and they both got out. “Look up, love.” He looked up at the sky, the full moon also setting and the stars bright than ever. The music in the car was still playing, this time it was one of his song and your personal favorite song of his ‘Abstract (Psychopomp)’. “The earth from a distance, see how it shines~” Andrew laughed at his own lyrics, “The earth does indeed shine, well technically the solar system shines.” You looked away from the sky and looked at him, his eyes glistening with the stars light. He was everything to her. “It does really shine.” She wasn’t even paying attention to the stars now, she was only paying attention to him. “I love you, Hoziy” You sipped your hand into his pocket and held his hand, and rested your head on his shoulder. “I love you too, my star.”

Note: Tysm for reading!!!!!

[sunnylovesyouu]

Andrew John Hozier-Byrne you deserve jail time for this verse

[orange-peony]

Thank you so much for tagging me @larkral, @cutestkilla, @artsyunderstudy and @rimeswithpurple.

I've had a really rough week, so words have struggled to come. Here's a snippet from the last chapter of See how it shines:

In the end, it’s Draco who finds out by accident.

Harry’s accidentally left one of his notepads on the sofa, and Draco spots it after lunch. It’s lying face-down on a cushion, abandoned mid-sentence when the doorbell rang and Harry jumped up to open it and welcome his boyfriend with a smile.

When Draco lifts it up to move it aside, his eyes land on Harry’s unruly handwriting and widen. Draco’s eyebrows lift then knit in confusion as grey eyes move on the page. He probably recognised the protagonist’s name. Harry feels his palms getting clammy, his heart racing. He could just ask Draco to leave it. He could snatch the notepad back or summon it with his wand and then come up with an excuse.

“Harry, what is—”

“I’m a writer,” Harry blurts out, instead.

I've also started a little snowbaz drabble for a prompt:

“Baz, you’re needed in room three,” Niall says, looking like he hasn’t slept in two days (he probably hasn’t). “Your boyfriend managed to get another injury for the sole purpose of coming to snog you.”

“Snow is not my boyfriend!” I reply for the umpteenth time, but my legs are already moving faster than I thought my tiredness would allow.

What the fuck has he done this time?

Tagging (and apologies if you've already done it): @pato-roldnart, @bubble-gumhead @j-nipper-95​, @martsonmars, @hushed-chorus, @rimeswithpurple (happy belated birthday!) @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @thewholelemon , @letraspal, @crazybutgood, @okay-sky, @littlewinnow, @fatalfangirl, @cutestkilla, @facewithoutheart, @imagineacoolusername, @blackberrysummerblog, @tea-brigade, @ivelovedhimthroughworse, @ebbpettier, @captain-aralias @alexalexinii, @regretfulcorrine, @leithillustration, @vukovich and @peachpety.​

[echosghoast]

see how it shines

[backrooms-birthday-party]

De Selby 1 & 2 - very hoz, sincere and then bouncy, the Irish is so beautiful coming from him, makes me feel 11 again finding celtic woman, and de Selby 2 has got to be my favorite upbeat sounding one of his

First Time - sad but catchy. I love hearing baby, which is a big part of the sad, the anyway will always kill me

Francesca - 10/10, wonderful, kinda Peter Gabriel, lovely, the ending will always be the hardest for me to sing

I, Carrion - stripped down goodness, to get to hear him do this live *swoon* I'd die, so fucking good sad too, good idea for it to be on lust as well

Eat Your Young - super good, will always bounce to this one

Damage Gets Done - brandi is doing everything here, really compliments hoz's voice wonderfully, super poppy and I love it, that weird glitch will always stratch my brain tho

Who We Are - good one for the album tone, really feels Unreal Unearth to me, just a real gut punch, hold me like a knife!!

Son of Nyx - amazing, just perfect, probably my fav of the album, has tones of pink floyd and linkin park to me, just ethereal ✨️

All Things End - I loved this from the EP (through me was my fav), but everything about this one is amazing

To Someone From A Warm Climate - feels sorta Fiona Apple-y, another hard gut punch, so lonely sounding which is the point, I know, so yeah

Butchered Tongue - lyrics are amazing and so perfect, feels like old grief, like a really heavy grief that's more personal than foreigner's god, almost feels like an old folk song

Anything But - it really is a weird tone shift putting this between tongue and abstract, but it fits so well, since it's still such a hard feeling to such a Paul Simon-y song, has some Call Me Al vibes, those high notes fill me with so many emotions.

Abstract - for the cPTSD girlies. My lordy. Tied for my fav with son of nyx. Hurts like hell, it's tied with First Light for the one that hits me personally the hardest, SEE HOW IT SHINESSSS

Unknown - I've already talked about how this song hits me, a lot of complicated feelings for it, again a good stripped down song that's bigger than it sounds

First Light - the one I love with all of my heart, those backing vocals give me life after crying so hard at the whole thing, and the lyrics are so personal for me and my divorce, perfection

This album will always be one of my favorites now. It has stamped itself pretty deep into my brain, and I'll be listening to this with my grandkids one day. Thank you, Andrew 🩷

[ineffableigh]

Something special about listening to Unreal Earth while re-reading What We Make Of It (Shotgun Wedding). Hurts worse, but in a good way. OOF the feelings.

[an-unraveling-unknown]

‘Abstract/Psychopomp' is the best song in Unreal Unearth and I will die on this hill if need be in this essay i will

[19-020221]

the memory hurts but does me no harm