#see also: lying my way into healthy relationships because people like me better if i'm friendly but stupid

[charlesherbertlightoller]

Funniest thing about enduring years of being called "manipulative" by my mom and my teachers and my peers for having the audacity to show emotions or pain is, hands down, the fact that I've realized how easy it is to intentionally con people by using raw melodramatic drivel and embraced it. Like oh, it's basic human instinct to respond to a person crying? Wrong! They're all crocodile tears meant to demand your attention, and by God, I will do anything for attention, good or bad! Whatever satisfies the other basic human need for interaction.

[nicka-nell]

omg ur taking requests!

can you do some angst to fluff with Atsumu, Iwaizumi, Suna, Kuroo, Ushijima, and Sakusa (I’m sorry if they’re too many you can choose whoever you want to write about from these characters, I luv all of them soooo much)

Can you make it like really really Angsty in the start. Like the characters doing something they’ll regret a lot and then they spend a lot of efforts making up for it? Please make it fluffy in the end, I can’t handle sad endings 😭

Also please don’t include anything with infidelity or mentions of it. My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me last month and I’m having such a hard time.

Thank you for considering my request. And there’s no pressure to accept, I don’t mind at all.

Hi! yes I am taking requests right now. 😇 First of all, I'm so sorry that you had such a negative experience. But tbh, you're better off this way. Nobody needs such an ass cheating on them! 😔😤 My ex did that too, with my ex-best friend btw. I also had a hard time but quickly felt better because I realised that it's a waste of time to cry over such a dick. I hope you don't lose hope in a healthy relationship based on trust. There really are good people out there and I hope you find someone who can appreciate you. Sending you a lot of hugs and kisses. 🤗💚❤️‍🩹

And for your request. I've written three stories for Tsumu, Iwa and Suna. Unfortunately they got a bit tooo long for my taste, so I only made these 3. I hope that's okay. I really had problems making it super angsty (urg, I need more practice for angsty stuff 😵‍💫). As you wished, I didn't include anything with cheating (even though I had a few ideas haha.) and I also added a trigger warning before each story. I think Iwa's and Suna's in particular might be a bit darker... so you can decide on your own if you want to continue reading it or not. Anyway, I hope you still like it, and thanks for your request. Stay healthy! 🥰💚

Regretting their actions

Pairing: Atsumu x, Iwaizumi x, Suna x reader

Warning: angst to fluff, break-up (Atsumu, Suna), mention of abuse/anger issues, mention of blood (Iwaizumi), mention of abortion, mention of drugs/pills (Suna)

Part 1 | Part 2 (End)

tw: mention of break-up

You met Atsumu when he came to his brother’s onigiri store for the housewarming.

The two of you got along well quickly. And it wasn’t long before he kissed you at a party, looked at you with his cheeky grin and said, “Tastes better than a victory.”

More things happened that night. Not just simple kisses and when you woke up next to him in bed, he asked you, still sleepy: “You’re my girlfriend now, aren’t you?”

You’ve been together for several years now and were thinking about moving in together soon when Atsumu’s career suddenly took off. He was traveling abroad more often and had less time for you or looking for an apartment.

And then it happened…

You scroll through the apartment search app for something suitable for the two of you, lying on the bed while missing him terribly. You close the app to go to your messenger, only to realize that you were the one who last texted Atsumu... two days ago… Two blue check marks indicate that he has read your messages but has not replied. Your fingers hover over the keypad of your phone and you think about writing to him. Maybe he read your message during training and didn’t have time to reply. Maybe he just forgot about it afterwards... maybe...

“Hey Tsumu... I know you’re busy but, I hope you’re doing well. Love you.” you type into your phone and send the message with a strange feeling in your stomach. It doesn’t take long before you see under his name that he is online. The gray check marks next to your message turn blue, but instead of replying, you see that he went offline again. You swallow a big lump down your throat, your heart feels heavy. Maybe he can’t answer you right now... you try to convince yourself again.

Several hours pass as you sink your head into your pillow and try to stifle your tears. Atsumu’s sports t-shirt is in your arms, which he had given you before his trip abroad. Time passes and suddenly you hear the ringtone of your phone as a message arrives. Your heart hits loud against your chest as you reach for your phone and see your boyfriend’s name. But your joy quickly disappears, the lump in your throat gets bigger and you can’t breathe. 

>> Hey... listen, I think it’s better if we end the relationship… break up. I don’t know, but I just don’t have time for it. I’ll see you around. <<

It feels like a slap in the face. As if this is a poor joke. You want to write to him, ask him what this is all about, but your tears blur your vision. The only thing you send is a “really?” but the message is no longer read. It remains on one gray check mark.

Two days go by and you still think it was all a bad joke, but every time you read his message, you feel like throwing up. Has he really dumped the whole relationship? By a shitty text message? You open your Instagram account and enter his name almost as if on autopilot.

Another slap in the face as your tears run down your cheeks again. His bio no longer says “Best setter and proud boyfriend” but simply “Setter MSBY Black Jackal”. All the pictures he had with you on his account have been deleted. Instead, you can only see advertising photos or private photos of him. The last eight pictures are of him, Hinata and Bokuto dancing and having fun with fans in different bars. Atsumu grins at the camera as if he doesn’t care about you at all. As if your relationship meant nothing to him.

You text him some more times, leave him voicemails because he never answers your calls. But after a few days, you let it go. It only frustrates you even more to see how little this relationship actually meant to him. For days, you cry yourself to sleep, what doesn’t go unnoticed by Osamu. After all, he sees you three times a week when you help him out in his store. When you tell him what has happened, he is also speechless, because Atsumu has really pissed him off with all his raving about you. So why would he break-up with you out of the blue? Osamu can’t see you as devastated as a heap of misery. So he also tries to find out the reason for the break-up between you and his silly brother. But when he calls him, Atsumu only faces him coldly on the phone. “Did she tell you to ask me? Leave it okay? I think I just realized that I don’t want a relationship.”

Two months go by and somehow you still can’t believe that your relationship just fell apart. Osamu tries to distract you somehow, but it doesn’t help because he reminds you too much of your idiot ex-boyfriend.

Nevertheless, you are grateful to Osamu for swapping your shift with his coworker’s shift so that you can open the store with him in the morning. That way, you avoid running into Atsumu, who is more likely to be in the restaurant in the evening as soon as he returns from his stay abroad. You’re not ready to face him at the moment.

Just as you’re about to finish work, you remember that you wanted to show Osamu a video on your phone. “Look, the new trailer for the second season of this soccer series is out. Shall we watch the first episode together on Saturday after work?” you ask Osamu as he approaches you and looks over your shoulder. He rests his hand on the counter next to you, his chest almost touching your back, but he keeps his distance from you respectfully. You are both focused on the trailer, not hearing the doorbell from the store.

Atsumu is tired. The flight was delayed, and he hasn’t been able to sleep properly for weeks. How could he sleep well with all the partying and Hinata as his roommate, who spent the night in the hotel calling his friends from Karasuno. At least that’s what he tells himself… that this is the reason for his sleepless nights. But this thought vanishes when he steps into his brother’s store hungry, actually only wanting to eat a few onigiris and then go home. Into his apartment. His empty, dreary apartment. But as he walks through the door of the store, it feels as if someone has hit his chest with full force, knocking the air out of him.

He sees Osamu leaning towards you with a sense of familiarity. What’s going on there? And why does it bother him so much that you giggle and look at Osamu, who returns your gaze with a nod and a smile before turning to the door? His brother winces when he sees Atsumu. As you turn around as well, your smile disappears.

You look at Atsumu as if you’ve just seen a corpse, before packing your bag and saying goodbye to Osamu with a “See you tomorrow.”, only to walk past Atsumu with quick steps. You don’t even give him a glance, knowing that if you locked eyes with him, your tears would run. You would want to ask him questions upon questions. Why did you break up with me? Why am I not enough for you? Why did you lie to me for so long? Why...

As you walk through the door, you accidentally bump into him. This nudge, which was actually rather gentle, felt so painful. Why does it bother Atsumu to see you standing so close to his brother? Why does it hurt him that you stared at him with those empty eyes, as if he were a stranger? No. Worse, as if he were someone who had hurt you. Why does he have the feeling that he couldn’t make a sound if he opened his mouth now? The answer is simple, and even Atsumu seems to understand it by now as he looks from the now closed door over to Osamu, who stares at him with an indifferent expression crossing his arms in front of his chest. “So this is what someone who has realized that he doesn’t want a relationship looks like? Ya look like shit.”

Oh, how Atsumu would love to punch Osamu in the face. “Why are ya touchin’ my girl?” is bitter on his tongue, but he has no right to say it out loud. After all, he was the one who turned you down. The blonde Miya suddenly realizes how incredibly stupid his action was.

Back then, Atsumu had not expected to be traveling abroad so often. At first, it was only temporary stays. Nothing that would damage a relationship.

But the last few times in particular, he was sometimes away for several months. You kept telling him on the phone that everything was okay, but every time he called Osamu, he said that your eyes were sometimes red when you came to work and that you looked tired and sad.

Atsumu knew he was the reason. That you’d probably be better off without him. After all, you’re a great woman, someone who would find a new partner quickly.

You didn’t deserve to be sad all the time when he was gone. You should be happy. After all, a smile suits you so much better than a sad expression.

Atsumu would concentrate on his career. It would be difficult for him at first, but he would manage without you. He had to… for your sake.

So his mind was made up when he read your unanswered, concerned messages. If he texts you now to say that it’s over, being an ass to you, you’ll be able to forget him quickly… That was what he thought. 

But it wasn’t that easy. Your puzzled messages, your crying voice on his voicemail, broke his heart. Yet he tried to cover it all up with parties and his dear fans. He convinced himself that he was fine. Only to arrive home, see you and realize what an idiot he was, how much he missed you.

And now it’s Atsumu who reaches for his phone and texts you message after message.

Atsumu 8:02 PM: Hey babe, no.. hey Y/n. I know I have no right to text you. But please… let’s talk. I fucked up. Damn, I fucked up so hard that I don’t even know how to start… shit…

Atsumu 8:12 PM: Please… please answer your phone, babe…

Atsumu 8:44 PM: I know I’ve fucked up. I know I hurt and disappointed you. Fuck, I know I was an ass. Yk, I thought I was doing the right thing. 

Atsumu 9:34 PM: Fuck… please answer me… I still… damnit. 

That was the last message you received from Atsumu before you put your phone away and tried to forget him. Why is he doing this to you? Why is he stirring up your feelings again?

But Atsumu doesn’t think about stopping now. He runs to your house, to the apartment building and rings your doorbell. Once, twice, he rings so often that you can’t ignore it. You are about to tell him to leave through the loudspeaker system, but he interrupts you.

“Fuck baby, please open the door. I’m… I still love ya, okay? I always loved ya. I - shit, can ya even hear me? Fuck…” he curses agitatedly and presses the bell next to your nameplate again several times.

But instead of letting him in, you go down to the entrance of the apartment building and open the door with an expression on your face that Atsumu has never seen before. What is it? Anger, sadness, despair? Everything somehow.

“Say... are you kidding me? Do you think that’s funny?” you ask him, bewildered, still standing in the open doorway. Of course, you wouldn’t just believe him. Atsumu could have guessed. Your reaction was completely understandable. But he has to do something to show you that he’s serious.

“No, no, I don’t. I’m dead serious. Please let me explain,” he says, and starts to tell you that he thought a break-up would be best for you because he’s not good enough for you. Since you were obviously so sad about him leaving so often and he didn’t want to be the reason. He tells you that he thought he could get over you, but that he had to realize that you are the most important thing to him. Something… someone he doesn’t want to lose. With shaky hands and a still agitated voice, Atsumu takes out his phone.

“I wanted ya to hate me so that it would be easier for ya. But believe me, I... I couldn’t forget ya. Look, you’re still my wallpaper. All the photos of the two of us are still on my phone, all the memories-“ he is about to unlock his screen when his phone falls out of his hand and drops to the floor. Atsumu seems to be completely overwhelmed right now, as if he doesn’t know what to do. Should he bend down, pick up the phone, should he keep talking to you or hug you? He doesn’t know.

”Baby, please, please, I’ll do anything. Please gimme a chance. I’ll talk to my agent about not takin’ so many jobs abroad. I will be with ya more often. Always write to ya and call ya in the evening when I’m not at home. Let’s look for an apartment so we can move in together. Please, please, I would do anything. Please believe me that I love ya. Please..." he begs in a voice that becomes more and more brittle with every word. His eyes are full of emotion and his hands, which have unconsciously reached for yours, are trembling terribly.

“Two months... two months you ignored me, treated me like a piece of trash.” You say in a low voice as you search for eye contact. Atsumu has never felt so scared. Only now does he realize that the love of his life is standing in front of him, and that this might be the last time he’ll see her again, the last time he’ll touch her skin. But then again… Atsumu was an ass, so why should you forgive him? No, he can’t think like that. After all, you loved him. And if you love him as much as he loves you, then maybe there’s still hope.

“I know, and I know I can never make it up to ya. I know it’s not done with an ‘I’m sorry’. I’m the dumbest, most idiotic ex-boyfriend you’ve ever had. But... I’m stubborn too. And if that means chasin’ after ya for 10 years, drivin’ to yer apartment every day to ring the doorbell and tell ya I still love ya, wishin’ ya a good night every day, nice dreams and telling ya how important you are to me... I’ll do it. Every damn day, if it means there’s still a little hope for us.” He answers you hoarsely, keeping eye contact, hoping that you see how honest his words are.

You sigh, bend down, and pick up his phone before handing it to him. Atsumu doesn’t know what to do with all this. His face grimaces as if he’s expecting the worst. “Then... you shouldn’t lose your phone... if you want to write to me every day,” you answer him, a weak smile on your lips. Atsumu’s sorrowful expression suddenly changes and you see him looking at you with hope.

“Does that mean ya...” the blonde Miya can no longer contain his emotions as he leaps forward and pulls you into his arms. His embrace is so tight that you can barely breathe, as if he’s afraid you’ll slip out of his hands. Firm, but quivering. His whole body is shaking and you’re sure you’ve just felt something wet on your skin. Tears? Is Atsumu crying? “I promise to be a pain in yer ass every day. To text ya, to call ya, to be there for ya. Even in yer sleep. Okay? I love ya... I love ya so much...”

tw: abuse, anger issues, mention of blood

You’ve been with Iwaizumi since your school days. Back then, as a little flirt at school, Oikawa and Matsukawa mainly teased Iwaizumi for having a crush on you.

But in the end, many were jealous of the perfect couple who waltzed together on the dance floor at the prom with loving looks on their faces.

You were inseparable. Even Iwaizumi’s stay in America for his university didn’t affect your relationship. So it was no wonder that you got married after his return and were the perfect happy couple.

At least for the first few years.

The stress of being a coach for the Japanese national team is weighing on Iwaizumi’s mind. He normally handles stressful situations well, but he is under pressure.

If the team fails to perform in the next few games, he will lose many sponsors and possibly even his job.

Iwaizumi is constantly on edge and you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him so you don’t provoke him.

More often, he has sudden temper tantrums, shouting at you about things that aren’t worth mentioning. “Damn it, I told you I need this one shirt for today. Why isn’t it clean?”

And once, when you stumbled with your words and asked him whether it might not be better to take a break as a coach, he was so angry that he almost hit you. But he managed to hold back and just sighed before going out for a beer in a nearby bar.

You don’t want to admit it to yourself, but right now, you’re really scared of your own husband.

Today was another training match between the Japanese national team and the Indonesian team. The team’s performance was better, but nowhere near good enough to shine. You watched the game on TV and run through your imaginary list in your head already, of potential trigger points for Iwaizumi. You don’t want him to get upset. The laundry is done; the house is clean; the food is also ready and in the fridge. Did you take out the trash? You chew nervously on your lower lip as you walk to the kitchen and let out a relieved sigh. That’s done too.

You are just closing the lid of the garbage can when you hear the key in the lock of your front door and Iwaizumi comes home with a surprisingly normal, “I’m home, my love, smells good in here”. Your shoulders relax immediately, a smile is back on your lips as you walk cheerfully into the hallway to greet Iwaizumi.

“Hello darling! How was your day?” Iwaizumi hugs you and leans down so you can kiss his cheek. “Let me eat something first. My day has been really exhausting,” he sighs, watching you nod and turn around to warm up the food for him. Your husband hangs up his jacket, puts down his bag and is about to turn around to follow you when he stumbles against a nearby vase that you had placed as a decoration for the fall changeover. The vase swings, loses its balance and falls to the floor in pieces.

“Shit!” You hear Iwaizumi curse and immediately run to him, anxiously hoping that nothing has happened to him. But luckily, he is unharmed. “Wait, I’ll clean up the broken pieces, you eat-“ you’re about to say, but Iwaizumi interrupts you loudly. “Always this stupid bullshit you put up. Shit, I could have hurt myself. If I miss now, that’s it for my career!” he shouts and stomps past you. You turn around hastily and apologize. “That wasn’t my intention, really,” you say, before realizing that it was a mistake to talk back. Iwaizumi turns around, his eyes ferocious and angry like a wild animal as he takes a step towards you. Your heart is beating restlessly and you are suddenly afraid.

“Not your intention? Admit it, you’d be happy if I got rid of the job!” he shouts, noticing how you start to tremble and shake your head. But Iwaizumi doesn’t seem to be in his right mind as he takes another step towards you. “Go clean up the mess! Make yourself useful!” he says through gritted teeth as he looks at your anxious and puzzled face. You know you should move, but your body doesn’t seem to listen, too scared to move a finger. And then it happens.

Iwaizumi grabs you by the hair and pulls you towards him. You cry out, weeping bitterly as you hear his voice again. “Are you deaf?! Get going!” he shouts, before pushing you away with more force than necessary. You lose your balance, stumble over your own feet as you fall and hit your head on the edge of the stairs in the hallway next to the broken vase. Your head hurts terribly, something warm flows down your face, sticking to your hair and making your vision suddenly completely different. It gets smaller and smaller before everything goes black in front of your eyes and the sounds around you stop completely.

Iwaizumi is abruptly perfectly sober and only now understands what has just happened. What he has just done to you, the woman he loves more than anything.

His eyes are big as he stares at his hands, which start to tremble in front of him.

Panic spreads through him as he looks at you. At your motionless body, at all the blood under your head.

He doesn’t know how he did it. His memories are hazy, but he can still remember trying to wake you up, in vain.

He had taken off his shirt, pressed it on your head injury to stop the bleeding and somehow managed to call an ambulance. Iwaizumi can’t remember anything else, just the one question from the paramedic who put you on the ambulance stretcher and took you to the hospital. Since Iwaizumi was your husband, he was allowed to drive with you.

“How did this happen?” the paramedic asked, as Iwaizumi answered quietly, “I don’t know... I really don’t know.”

It’s now been some hours after the accident and your head had been stitched up. Thank God it wasn’t as bad as it looked at first.

You’re still in the recovery room, Iwaizumi next to your bed on a chair, his hands folded in his lap as he hangs his head in bewilderment, looking at his wedding ring shining on his ring finger.

What happened? What has become of him? He still can’t believe what he has done.

He looks at his hands again, opens them, starts to tremble, clenches them into fists and realises how he lets out a frustrated sigh, which he had been holding back, as warm tears roll down his cheeks, soaking the fabric of his trousers.

In his mind, there’s only your shaking body, that frightened look, your screaming, and then this unbearable silence.

When you open your eyes, your head throbs a little and you have to squint through the bright, clinical light. “Where... where am I?” you say quietly, looking around the room and noticing that you’re lying in a hospital room. Next to your bed is none other than Iwaizumi. But he looks different. Broken… He shrinks at your words and looks up at you. You see his red eyes and how he hesitates whether it’s okay to take your hand in his. Iwaizumi gets up from his chair, wants to close the distance to your bed but his legs collapse and he falls to his knees when he suddenly starts to... cry? 

“Haji- me...” you say, still feeling exhausted. “I’m... god I...” Iwaizumi doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to look you in the eye. He takes a deep breath, regains his courage before peering at you. Carefully, he grasps your hand, checking if you are afraid, but you don’t seem to pull it away. Maybe because you’re still too tired. Awkwardly, he strokes the back of your hand before resting his forehead on it and closing his eyes briefly.

“I’m a terrible husband. I’ve done everything I shouldn’t have done. Instead of carrying you on my hands, bringing a smile to your face and protecting you from everything that would harm you, I’ve done the exact opposite. Instead of being happy to see me, you’re just scared of me, aren’t you?” he says in a shaky voice and looks up at you again. You are calm. Just stare at him with a hurt look.

“I.... I can understand if you want a divorce. If you don’t want to be with a monster like me anymore. I really can’t even blame you. But... please let me tell you one thing. When I saw you lying on the floor like that, the world collapsed inside me. I was afraid of losing the most important thing in my life. And the most important thing is not my job, no, it’s you. And I’m ashamed that I’ve forgotten that. I am disgusted with myself and I know that is no excuse. What I have done is unforgivable. But please... if there is still a bit of hope, then I will try to do everything I can to be the man you fell in love with again. I want to be your Haji-bear again. Your place of peace, and your favorite person. I will go to anger issues therapy, behavioral therapy. If it’s better for our relationship, I’ll step down as a coach and see if I can find a job as a volleyball coach at a school. No matter what, I would do anything.” Your hand becomes wet as his tears land on it. His words move something inside you. You want to believe him, you don’t want the relationship to end either, but everything that has happened so far will not pass by without damage.

“I need time, Hajime... If you really mean it, please grant me the time...” you answer him and notice how your words seem to tear him apart. But at the same time he seems to want to make the best of the situation. He lets go of your hand and stands up just to sit back down on the chair next to your bed, looking at you determinedly, his eyes still red and swollen. “As much time as you need. If it means we still have a chance...”

A few months pass. Iwaizumi has passed on the house to you and moved into his parents’ house to give you the space you need. He goes to therapy three times a week and tells you about his progress. He is still coaching the national team, but his assistant coach is taking a lot of the work off his hands and the volleyball team seems to be playing better again.

Just like when you were at school, you’ll find a letter in your letterbox once a week. Back then, Iwaizumi always told you a bit about his week and wrote it down because, funnily enough, he was too shy to talk to you in person. Only that in his current letters he writes that he misses you, but hopes that you are doing well at the moment.

He meets you in public places, goes out with you, so that you gradually feel more comfortable with him again, that you can see his progress in therapy and don’t just think it’s empty words.

Six months have passed since the incident. You are standing in the bedroom, changing the sheets, when Iwaizumi comes through the front door of the house. “My love, I’m home,” you hear Iwaizumi’s calm voice. Coming home from his therapy session, he hangs up his jacket in the hallway as your voice lets him know where you are. 

Iwaizumi puts the flowers he bought for you on the kitchen table before he sneaks into the bedroom and sees you trying to unfold the sheets to put them on the blankets. With silent steps, he reaches around your waist to throw you onto the bed with him, wrapped in the covers that were in your hands earlier. Screaming, you laugh in unison with his chuckle as you look into each other’s eyes. “Hajime! Don’t scare me like that.” you laugh softly, while his hand gently tucks your hair behind your ear. Iwaizumi looks at your forehead, at the small scar that is left from your injury, before leaning forward and giving you a kiss on that spot.

“I’m sorry, but that was just so tempting,” he says, closing his eyes as he pulls you closer and just relaxes in bed with you. He strokes your back and kisses your forehead once more. “Hajime... what’s going on? Why are you so clingy suddenly?” you laugh, but Iwaizumi doesn’t join in the laughter, instead answering you seriously.

“Today, six months ago, I almost lost you. I’m just grateful that nothing happened to you. Thankful that you gave me another chance, even though I showed my worst side.” You can’t think of the right words to answer him, so you just smile, snuggle closer to him, and close your eyes. Safe in his arms, with his pulsating heart at your ear, you fall asleep.

tw: mention of abortion, mention of drugs/pills (without consent) 

Suna and you were just friends for a long time. Even if the others saw you more like a couple.

You were the only one Suna didn’t mind when you sat next to him and pulled out one of his earphones to listen to music with him.

You always had the same route to school and if one of you came to school alone, you knew immediately that the other one must be sick. 

With graduation, you mentioned that you might want to study abroad. That time, Suna had a weird feeling in his stomach for the first time. As if he was afraid of losing you.

That was the day he realised that he felt more for you than just friendship.

The same evening, he asked you to come over and watch a movie when he yawned in a very clichéd way to put his arm over your shoulder and pull you closer to him. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, but he just was.

A number of things went through his mind. What if you don’t feel the same way about him as he does about you? Will you still want to study abroad? Would you end your friendship with him if you didn’t feel the same way?

He tried to block out the questions and then, with his usual calmness, asked you if you could imagine anything more than a friendship. Luckily for him, you said yes.

From that moment on, everything was perfect. You had created your own little world over several years. You studied, and luckily not abroad. Suna was successful in volleyball, so you were both able to buy an apartment together quickly.

Just the two of you. Your friends were there from time to time, but in the evenings you were always alone at home, arm in arm, in the quiet flat without any noise or other people to disturb you.

Until one morning where you look at the little piece of plastic in the bathroom, stunned, when the two red stripes tell you that you are pregnant.

You hadn’t spoken to Suna about having children yet, but you’ve been together for so long now and everything is going well that you assume he would be just as happy as you are.

You thought…

When Suna comes home, you’ve already prepared a little surprise. There are a pair of baby shoes on the table in the living room, the pregnancy test in front of them and a little balloon with “Best Dad” written on it. You can’t help smiling as you see Suna walk into the room when you call out “surprise”, looking a little shy in his direction. But Suna’s reaction differed from what you expected.

Almost disgusted, he looks in your direction. “This better be one of those stupid TikTok pranks, right?” he says, and your smile disappears abruptly. Your stomach turns and you feel sick. And not because of the pregnancy. You stand there irritated, only able to utter a quiet “No... it’s not a joke”, confused by his negative reaction. “No? What week are you in? Tell me you can still have an abortion...” he says, annoyed, as he walks towards the table to see if there is any information about the week of pregnancy on the pregnancy test. 

“What?” you say in bewilderment, still looking at Suna, who throws the test on the table in frustration before starting to massage his temples. “We’ll go to the gynecologist tomorrow, okay? Get rid of it. A child means responsibility. You have to look after this thing all the time, you’re no longer flexible and it’s noisy too... I just don’t want that.” 

His words feel like a thousand stabs. Never have you seen Suna act like this before. You anticipated that he might be a bit taken by surprise and perhaps not be able to deal with the situation at first, but Suna seems to have a very clear opinion on the subject. He doesn’t even seem to be willing to talk. But abort a child? Let Suna’s and your baby die just like that? You can’t do that. You don’t want that. 

The two of argue. Suna’s look gets progressively angrier. Yours sadder until he decides to leave the house with a “Do what you want, maybe it’ll die anyway”. Now you’re home alone with his painful words. You stand rooted to the spot in the room for several more minutes until the strength in your legs finally gives way and you slump to the floor, crying bitterly. The night, you spend alone in your bed, without Suna. He doesn’t answer his phone and doesn’t reply to your messages. You don’t hear from him the next day either, and he hasn’t come home. Thank God you get a message from Osamu, who texts you that Suna is with him and that you have nothing to worry about. But how are you supposed to stay at home without worrying if your boyfriend doesn’t get in touch with you and you’ve been arguing for days? You are scared. Afraid for the baby, afraid for the relationship and everything you two have built up.

Another day passes. You lie in bed, tired and lacking in energy. Nevertheless, you pull yourself together and get up, go to the bathroom to get ready for the day and don’t notice when the front door opens and Suna walks in. “Baby doll, I’m at home... and... I’m sorry...” you hear Suna’s voice and walk out of the bathroom. Even though you had a fight, you are still happy to see the man you love so much again. With a somewhat sad smile, he stands there, a bouquet of flowers in his hand as he approaches you.

“I’m really sorry. I behaved like an ass. You took me by surprise with the news and somehow... I don’t know. What do you say you sit down now? I’ll make us a drink and we can talk about all this. About the baby, and what happens next?” You can hardly believe his words. What has Osamu done in the last few days to make Suna suddenly do a full turnaround and be willing to talk to you openly, without shouting about becoming a parent? You make a mental note to thank Osamu later, before nodding with a smile and sitting down on the sofa in the living room.

But what you don’t know is that Suna went to a friend, a doctor, who gave him two pills before he came home. Pills for an induction of abortion. You have to take one now and the other two to three days later.

Suna knows that you wouldn’t take these pills voluntarily.

So he makes sure that you are indeed sitting in the living room before he takes out a small bag containing a pill, puts it in the grinder and turns it into a fine powder before mixing it into your iced tea.

He takes a deep breath, putting his smile back on as he walks towards you in the living room, where you are already waiting for him with happy eyes.

Without saying much, he hands you the glass, sits down next to you and watches you.

“I know it’s all so sudden and I could have said it differently. I really took you completely by surprise with the news,” you say quietly, looking at the iced tea in your hand, unaware that an abortion pill is floating there.

Suna listens attentively as you talk about how you first had to understand what a pregnancy means, but that your overwhelm quickly turned into joy because you are looking forward to holding a mini version of the two of you in your arms in less than 9 months. You talk about all the beautiful things that are going through your head, while Suna continues to listen to you, his eyes constantly focus on the tea in your hands and you.

He keeps looking at you as you raise the glass and press it to your lips, ready to drink the poison cocktail, when he realizes what he was doing. What he’s trying to do here.

Panic strikes him. His green eyes widen as he literally knocks the cup out of your hand. It falls to the floor with a loud thud. “Don’t drink that!” he says in an unsteady voice and looks at you in horror.

But you don’t understand anything, only shake your head.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I... I think I just made the worst mistake of my life,” Suna says, looking back from you to the broken cup. You don’t understand what’s going on and tilt your head, asking him if everything is all right. But when Suna continues talking and tells you what was in your tea, your world collapses. You are shocked that your own boyfriend wanted to do this to you. “I was overwhelmed. I... I know that’s no excuse. But when I heard you talking, I realized that -“ Suna wanted to continue, but your voice cut him off, your words silenced him.

“Let’s break up,” you say, and unlike before, unlike when you argued a week ago, your voice is determined now, your eyes full of pain and betrayal. Those green eyes that used to mesmerize you are now looking at you desperately. “What?” Suna whispers softly, followed by a “No, wait”. But you interrupt him again.

“You just wanted to give me some drugs without my consent so I’d lose the baby?! No, Rintarou… I’m breaking up with you. That... no, I can’t do that.” Abruptly, you get up from the sofa, ignoring the hand that tries to grab you before quickly slipping into a jacket and a pair of shoes just to leave the apartment. Suna wants to run after you, but his legs won’t move. His mind and heart are screaming to run after you, to stop you and tell you he’s sorry, but his body just won’t obey him. When he finally manages to get up, you’re already gone.

Still wearing his slippers and without putting on a jacket, he eventually runs out to check out all the places you love, all your friends, to see if he can find you somewhere. But no matter where he looks, he can’t find you. You don’t reply to messages or phone calls. The mechanical voice of your voice mail greets him directly. “Shit, shit, shit!” he yells as he stands in the park where you two had your first official date. The surrounding people look at him. Some with an irritated look, some as if they were pitying him.

Without really knowing where to go, your legs automatically led you to the bus that goes to Kita’s home.

Kita was one of your best friends back then. And you knew that if you went to Kita and told him not to tell Suna that you were there, he wouldn’t tell his friend either. And that’s exactly what Kita did.

You were in Kita’s guest room when you heard Suna’s voice in the hallway.

He sounded shattered, broken, as he begged Kita to tell him where you were.

This went on for several weeks, until one evening Suna rang the doorbell again, trying to talk to Kita in a voice you had never heard before.

His voice was so thin, so fragile, as if a heap of misery was speaking out of him.

Kita tells him once again that he doesn’t know where you are when you hesitantly open the door, thinking about going downstairs and listening to what Suna has to say. But for now, you just listen to the conversation.

“Please, Shinsuke, I know you know her location. Please, just give her this. Please...” Kita sighs, followed by a soft “ok...” before the front door closes. Your best friend’s footsteps creak beneath the floor as he walks up the stairs, looks at you a little twisted and hands you a large package.

You know that you demand a lot from Kita. It’s not easy for him to lie to his friend either. Eventually you have to talk to Suna.

Alone in your guest room, you spend almost half an hour looking at the unopened package at the other end of the bed until you finally decide to open it. When you see what’s inside, surprise catches you. Multiple emotions flow through your body without you even noticing how your eyes suddenly turn glassy. Small letters and several items are in the box. You take out the letter that is on top of all the other items.

“My love, I don’t even know where to start. I can’t apologize for what I did. Nevertheless, I want to tell you that I’m sorry. I was confused and scared. Our relationship has always been perfect so far and I thought it was great that it was just the two of us and that no one else disturbed our privacy. I was afraid that when we had a child, we would argue, have no more time for each other, and grow apart. I was selfish and didn’t think about how you would feel. I wasn’t thinking about our baby. The thought that we were both going to be parents hadn’t crossed my mind at all. But every time I walked past those little shoes you had placed in the living room, I couldn’t think of anything else but seeing our child standing in them. How it tries to move around in it, sometimes falls down because it loses its balance and seeks shelter with its beloved mom. I regret every second of what I’ve done, every word I’ve said. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, and yet I did it. I am sorry. I am so terribly sorry.

I did some research. Did you know that it is currently very difficult to find midwives? You should probably start looking very early on. My team colleague gave me the number of the midwife he and his wife had at the birth of their two children. I also have three other numbers. You might want to give them a call. There are also birth preparation classes in our town. I have also put a brochure in the package for you. You don’t necessarily have to go there with your partner. With me… So... if you want, you could also go there with Kita, even if I would be happy if we both did it together. But I can understand if you don’t want to.

Are you eating enough? You should pay particular attention to your diet during pregnancy. A lot of women suffer from a vitamin deficiency during pregnancy. But you have probably already discussed this with your gynecologist. Anyway, I’ve written down a few recipes for you that are rich in vitamins. I admit that Osamu helped me a little with this. Oh, and on the back are some things you shouldn’t eat during pregnancy. Raw eggs and products containing them such as ice cream, mayonnaise and so on... you should not eat them, because the risk of salmonella infection is high. Peanuts can contain aflatoxins, which can also harm the fetus... but as I said, I’ve put together a list for you. In case you didn’t already know all this already. There are a few other things in the box. Maybe you’d like to take a look.

I hope you are doing well. I hope the baby is doing well too. Have you thought of a name yet? Do you know whether it will be a boy or a girl? I’m sure there’s already a little bump on your belly. I... would really like to be with you right now. Would love to hold you in my arms and stroke your tummy. I know I made a mistake that can never be fixed. But if you’re willing, if that’s what you want, I’d really like to be by your side again. And if not as your boyfriend, then as the father of our baby. I would like to do couples’ therapy with you so that we can find our way back to each other… So that you can trust me again. Because in all of this, I was the problem and never you. But only if you want it too, of course. I know it may be hard to believe, but I love you. So much that a life without you scares me. I am sorry…”

You’re crying bitterly by now as your tears blur the ink on the letter before you put it aside and look in the box. Next to a small onesie for babies, there is a note with the telephone numbers of midwives, a small book with recipes, the brochure he had mentioned and another box containing photos and memories. Pictures that Suna had always secretly taken of you at times when he thought you looked extra pretty. You always found the photos embarrassing, but for him they were beautiful to look at. Because they were moments when you were just being you, not smiling for the camera or doing anything else to disguise yourself.

There was also a necklace with shells on it in the box. You made it for Suna when you were on vacation in Croatia. It turned out incredibly ugly, yet Suna wore it proudly during the whole vacation. You’re touched that he still has this ugly necklace. Little notes that you wrote to each other at school are also in there. So many more memories from the past. Where had Suna hidden this little box in your apartment so that you never noticed it?

You hastily get up, open the door and run down to the hallway as Kita comes out of the living room and looks at you questioningly. “Is everything all right? Do you need to see a doctor?” He asks concerned, but you just shake your head, wanting nothing more than to see Suna, talk to him again. He asks you if you are absolutely sure, but your determined nod is enough for an answer. So he grabs his jacket and car keys, driving you straight to your ex boyfriend, to your apartment. He doesn’t want you to take the bus in your current state.

Suna is sitting in the living room. In front of him on the coffee table are various reports on pregnancy, parenting and more. His head is leaning on his hands as he takes a deep breath. Have you opened his package yet? He wonders, unable to think clearly, when he hears the key in the door lock and runs into the hallway as if stung by a tarantula. His eyes are wide as he looks at you, standing rooted to the spot in the doorway, not knowing how to react.

“Shinsuke... Drove me here...” you say. “I opened your package.” You continue, watching Suna swallow hard, still not moving an inch from the doorframe. “How are you, the baby?” he asks quietly, almost absent-mindedly, as if he can’t believe you’re really standing in front of him. “Good... can... can we talk?” you ask and watch him nod, having trouble sorting out his feelings. You take a step towards him, clearly seeing the dark circles, the red eyes, the slightly thinner face, as if he has lost weight. And on closer look, you can see his whole body trembling.

“Is everything you wrote in your letter true?” you ask him, trying to keep your voice as calm as possible, even though you’re at your wits’ end. “Yes, yes all of it. I’m sorry for everything... I want nothing more than to see you happy. To see our baby happy. And if you want another partner by your side to be happy, if you don’t want me in your life, then I will accept that.” Suna whispers, knowing that if he were to speak even a little louder, his voice would fail and he would cry. You take another step towards him. “What if I want you? Want to give it another try?” You have barely spoken your sentence before you hear a bitter shuffle from Suna, which he seems to have been suppressing the whole time. His shaky hands carefully reach for your face before he presses his forehead against yours and says softly, “I would wish for nothing more than that.”

Although you hesitate for a second, you finally put your hands around his back and stand with him in the doorway for a while. Neither of you says a word. Both of you let your tears run until Suna releases you at some point and gives you a kiss on the forehead. “You shouldn’t stand for so long. You’d better get some rest,” he says in a somewhat steady voice before helping you out of your jacket and leading you into the bedroom, where he pushes the sheets aside so you can lie down. 

“Rin, but I’m not tired at all...” you say, even though you are exhausted, but Suna lies down right next to you, pulling you close while his free hand moves to your stomach. “I know... But... let’s just lie here like this for a moment, regain our strength before we talk... Talk about everything, our future, how I can make it up to you, our little baby… Agree, baby doll?” He whispers tiredly. Yet you also notice how all the crying is slowly making you a little tired. “Agree, Rin.” you smile weakly, snuggling closer to him as you both fall asleep arm in arm, his hand protectively on your baby bump, your hand on his.

[spiky-imp-teeth]

apology tour live commentary!

MARTHA AND MRS. MAYBERRY fucking hell the sapphic ship i didn't know i needed?!??!???!

"looks like you missed some makeup there" "thanks! it's my face" icon.

shoutout to blitz for pulling off another stunning drag look

when i tell you i DIED (seriously the comedic timing was so perfect here)

oh bryce pinkham's voice really is MAGIC isn't it

hmm ok yeah they're gonna keep coming back to this - good

whoaaaaa they're actually fucking talking i didn't expect that to happen!!

ok, this is honestly so great for stolas. it's really healthy for him to explore and get more experience before he and blitz try to get together. and i love to see blitz pining! tbh i was hoping for that specifically, because blitz has only barely started to feel his feelings for stolas on a more conscious level and jealousy is going to help continue pushing those feelings to the surface in a way blitz can't ignore.

and stolas is such an inexperienced little bean . . . sleeping with other people (even just dancing and kissing!) is going to set him up so much better for an eventual relationship with blitz!

anyway, this was an Excellent fucking episode. really, really well written, the song was excellent, the voice actors were at the top of their game, i loved getting to see verosika explored more as a character, and the animation (as always) was beautiful. like damn, this episode is PRETTY.

and it was a smart move not to have a B-plot in this one - the pacing was on point and the plotline flowed really well uninterrupted, and they were able to pack so much character development despite the characters still having so far to go. plus, this episode did such a great job balancing angst and feels with humor (i had multiple literal laugh-out-loud moments! i'm also in pain! i consider this the ideal way to feel after a helluva boss episode!!)

this has also definitely got me craving some more stolas self-awareness now that blitz has had his breakthrough - i know stolas has started on that path but he's still got a decent amount of work to do as well. however, i'm confident enough in the writers that i'm not too worried about the situation continuing to be treated with the nuance it deserves.

the fandom on the other hand...oh boy. i'd be lying if i said i'm not Afraid

[azullumi]

okay okay— hear me out, what about streamer kaveh dating popular streamer s/o in secret and the only reason they get found out is cause of kaveh forgetting to turn off his camera and they're acting all lovey dovey on stream LOL i can't help but think how he'd explain to a chat that's moving so fast

summary — kaveh is way too loving and... careless.

pairing — kaveh/gender-neutral reader

tags — fluff, modern, established relationship, steamer x streamer, not proofread ; headcanons

words — 1520

note — my alarm didn't wake me up;;; but anyways, i really loved the request anon :D i had so much fun writing it though i guess it was a little bit rush and i could have done better. but anyways, here! i hope you'll like it!

"Bye, everyone! I hope you all had a great time! Thanks for stopping by and I'll see you all next time."

You enthusiastically waved at the camera, smiling as your eyes scanned the chat that was going too fast, trying to read all of the messages that were being sent. Your eyes could only recognize the word "goodbye" in different variations being commonly sent and after a few moments, you stopped the stream—closing the camera and taking off your headphones before you stood up and stretched your back that was aching after only remaining seated for so long.

It was yet another normal day for you, streaming on a platform or website for hours as you were a well-known streamer and content creator, a lot of people's favorites and especially famous on the internet.

"I'm a little bit hungry," Perhaps it was because you only ate a few since you really couldn't leave your seat and that it was nearly dinnertime also; it was already 6:47 in the evening.

Although the work can be exhausting and repetitive at times, you were having fun and clearly enjoying what you were doing—aside from the fact that you get to earn a lot of money to sustain yourself, your needs and your wants, you were also greatly loved and cherished by your fans and most especially, by your boyfriend, Kaveh.

You decided to check up on him, walking out of your room to head to his that was only steps away from yours since you're under the same roof. As you approached and near his door, his voice and chatter was getting more and more clearer and louder, you could even make out some of what he was saying.

"...Are you…"

"I have… Lovely…"

"Show them? I don't want to. Why? They're way too beautiful for your eyes."

"Just say that you're lying and you don't actually have… Hey! I swear, I'm not lying—" He paused once his eyes glanced at the door, in the direction of where you were standing. You noticed how his eyes sparkled and his expression brightened once he saw you, making you smile and your heart flutter upon seeing the small yet noticeable change.

Are you okay?—you mouthed and gestured to him, avoiding to be heard by his audience as he was streaming live as of the moment. A nod before he spoke in a low voice, "I'll be finished in a moment, wait for me."

You could only give him a thumbs up and a smile before you leaned against the wall, watching him as he calls it a day, finishing his stream and saying goodbye to everyone. You approached him—once you concluded that he's already done with it as he took off his headphones—having no restrictions or worries that you might be seen by anyone.

"How are you, sweetheart? Did you miss me?" The blonde-haired man greets you, pulling you to his lap and pushing the strands of hair on your face behind your ear. He gave your forehead a kiss that made you melt in the hold of his hand on your waist and the caress of the other on your cheek and you let out a hum before responding: "I'm good but I missed you."

It was known that the two of you have a significant other but nobody knows who it is nor you were one another's lover, the only known fact is that both of you are in a loving and healthy relationship. There was no reason—aside from just privacy reasons to avoid nosy people sticking their ass up in your businesses—for you two to be hiding it but I guess you could say that it was the better?

"Archons, it's only been a few hours—" He laughs, looking at you with eyes beaming with adoration, love, and care as if his gaze was touching on your soul, and he places yet another kiss on your temple before continuing, "—You're so needy. What even will happen if we won't see each other for a day?"

You couldn't help but roll your eyes upon hearing what he said and another soft chuckle was pulled out of his throat. "I was kidding, okay? I'm sorry, don't be angry at me."

He sounds like a puppy who got scolded by his owner and if it's not for the teasing smile on his face, you would have thought of him as one already.

"Whatever. What's for dinner today?"

"Hm, are you craving for something?"

You went into a quick thought, "I have nothing in mind. Should we just order takeout?"

"If that's what you want, sure. Let's just rest up a bit before we order, I know that you're still tired."

You only nodded as an answer, resting your head on his shoulder as you closed your eyes which had been strained and hurt after only being exposed to the computer for hours. The moment between you two was silent with only the sound of your light breathing against one another and a sigh that slips from his lips—a smile tugged on the corners of your mouth as the feeling of warmth, comfort, and happiness wells up in your chest.

You flutter your eyelids open, your eyesight adjusting to the brightness of the computer screen, seeing yourself on it and some rapid stream of texts—Wait.

"Kaveh…"

"Kaveh."

"Kaveh!"

It is only when you whisper shouted his name that he responded to you, confusion trailing his tone as he knits his eyebrows.

"What? What is—"

His voice came at a complete halt when he also turned his head to the sight of his monitor, seeing what made you urgently call out to him in such a panicked voice.

The camera was turned on and you could see the projection of you two on the screen being lovey-dovey and sweet to another, and a spam of messages on the side—blood rushed up to your face, embarrassed and feeling shy, and you hide yourself with the man's chest as you listened to him frantically trying to explain, if you even call what he's doing as that.

"At least now we have proof that you really have someone—You're quite a positive person, aren't you?"

"I can't read any of the chats! Slow down, will you?"

"It's (Name)? Yes, it's them, do you have a problem with it?"

"Congratulations on your relationship, I hope that the two of you will have more happiness to come—Awww, thank you so much user LetMeCryInTheCorner!"

"Wait—fuck—How do I even explain it to you guys?"

"You don't have to explain everything when we've already seen how sweet you two are—Ah, whatever then! I'll see you guys next time. Go to sleep, pay attention to your homework, or anything!"

It seems like he has totally given up on it as he just stopped the stream and turned off the camera completely—this time he was sure that he really did—before bringing his attention back to you who has calmed down for a bit from what you feel, bringing yourself back to the grounds of reality.

"Now what?"

"What do you mean now what? We're going to order some food." He says as if everything was normal and nothing happened which induced a reaction to smack him from you.

"Ouch! What was that for?!"

"You're too careless and calm!"

He received a glare from you and he laughed—softly and gently like he was soothing your worries and scrambled thoughts, reassuring you that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about—it''s honestly strange how he's so collected right now knowing how he often panics and thinks over the small things but I guess it didn't really matter, the publicity of your relationship with him, I mean. It's not like the two of you made a pact to keep it a secret.

You just heaved a sigh, releasing the unnecessary things that plagues your mind, "Well, now they know."

"And? Just let them know."

He leans his face close to you, lips only inches away from each other that you could feel his warm breath fanning your skin, and spoke before capturing you in a loving kiss:

"Let them know that I belong to you."

—

Bonus:

"Wow, they're rejoicing for me because it turns out that I wasn't lying after all."

Kaveh rolled his eyes when he saw the reaction of everyone on social media upon knowing you and his relationship with each other. The internet was bombarded with news about you two dating, a lot of questions being raised, and everything—It was all and only about him and you.

He places his phone down the bedside table before returning his gaze back to your sleeping figure turned to him, watching your relaxed and soft expression, and he sighs to himself, scooting closer to you and wrapping his arm around your waist.

It didn't matter anyways. He just loves you so much and as long as nothing will interfere and get in the way of your happiness, as long as you're okay and happy, as long as he gets to hold you close, then everything is fine.

© azullumi — do not plagiarize, copy, repost, nor translate any of my works.

[kingarthurflourofficial]

july books

starter villain 3.5/5 (i do love! a john scalzi. his books feel so much like coming home even when i'm not hugely intrigued by the premise - he's an author you can trust to have a satisfying if weird ending)

cyber mage DNF (i love saad z hossain's other books - just think his style of writing is a little better suited to his novellas)

kundo wakes up 3.5/5 (see above! i love the world of his novellas a LOT and i think this was my fave yet.)

the parliament 3/5 (great concept! some really good moments! just didn't really click with me and i didn't like the main couple or think they made a good pairing)

hitchhikers guide to the galaxy 3.5/5 (by contrast, much more fun a re-read of this vs castle in the air - i felt a lot more competent at picking up on the nuance and satire vs when i read This at fifteen lol)

running close to the wind 4.5/5 (WHAT A FUN BOOK! only quibble was how much it felt like fanfiction like - in a fun way for sure! just very much like we were reading a couple we already knew the framework for so the author felt comfortable jumping right into the action and i could have used a little more time with worldbuilding)

the duke at hazard 5/5 (AHHHHHHHHHHHH NEW KJC AHHHH AND IT'S A GORGEOUS HOMAGE TO HEYER'S THE FOUNDLING! what a soft and enfolding work it is it's only been a couple weeks since i read it and already i want to be back in that world!)

the house of the red balconies 5/5 (talking of soft and comforting works! this was my introduction to aj demas and please know i immediately stayed up until four am reading three more of her books.)

sword dance 4/5 (loveeee a secret agent using his skills as a dancer to go undercover! love a disabled soldier loving them and seeing them as a whole person and vice versa!)

saffron alley 5/5 (OUGHHHHH now this is a MASTERCLASS in how you do miscommunication. not a plot device not a gimmick but something showing characters' inner lives and struggles and growth!)

strong wine 4/5 (not enough of the Boukos family but otherwise lives up to the promise of the first two)

kill the farmboy DNF (has the AUDACIty to say it's an homage to terry pratchett. i wouldn't let terry pratchett piss within a hundred yards of this book because it would be too good for it.)

soulless 3/5 (doesn't take itself too seriously! if it had been a little more queer i think i would have like it more and as it was the sexy scenes weren't too awful for a straight couple, but then i'm a sucker for a werewolf)

a botanical daughter 2/5 (INFURIATING. how dare it have a gorgeous premise of two insane gay victorian men creating themselves a daughter from taxidermy and mushrooms and fail at the premise so badly i WANTED the daughter to go feral and murder them all)

prospects 3/5 (i'm not trying to be rude and i had a pretty good time reading this but my gods and little fishes there was SO. much. baseball. {shocking in this sports novel about baseball})

evenings and weekends 2/5 (maybe i am just. very much not the target audience for this kind of book but i hateeeeee books were people are just wandering around lying to each other and themselves and generally being dicks. like what's the point! also not helped by my hating london and the hottest days of summer which is arguably the main character here.)

box hill 4.5/5 (okay listen. listen. i know everyone and their aunt has to have perfect morals these days and write the stoplight system into all their fanfiction they write for fun and therefore even moreso for published works but DAMN. i loved this book! it made me feel FERAL like! is it a portrayal of a healthy relationship? absolutely not. sustainable? no way. does it seep into your bones with a kind of aching longing for something formless and deep and heavy? Y E S. it does exactly what it sets out to do and i simultaneously want to force everyone i know to read it and also hug it to myself and snarl when people try lest they read it the wrong way.)

[wortsandall]

i have to admit that when it comes to the au im writing-one of my sticking points is how to write layla and what role she would be playing. i feel out of place when it comes to her and marc's relationship because i truly believe that they should spend some time getting to know each other again before jumping back into a relationship.

when adding in stevens perspective, that just makes even more sense to me. i don't particularly enjoy writing romance. i think that when layla appears in my fics, she'll be a close friend who is rebuilding trust and relationship with marc while getting to know jake and steven.

i'm also a little biased here, not because i don't enjoy polyamory, but because i always thought it was very quick for steven to kiss layla and for her to be as accepting of it as she was. (i was kinda with marc when it came to punching steven for that lmao) i also think that because of all the lying and secrecy that marc engaged in while dating layla, it's almost unfair to her for them to just jump back into the swing of things. marc was right when he said that she didn't know him and that's objectively his own fault.

so long ramble just to say that layla in my au will be purely platonic as that's my preference when it comes to her being shipped with both marc and steven (again no hate against either ship, i'm just not super into it) i'd like to focus on layla rediscovering marc without the romantic aspect so that i can build a strong foundation for them to potentially get back together, properly, in a more healthy relationship this time. and even if steven does like layla (that's been well established) and it will show up in my fic, the endgame will not be them as a trio.

i want to elaborate that the reason being that came from reading moon knight comics the idea of marc being afraid that people like jake and steven more than him.

Moon Knight (2021) #14 "Solider, Rich Man, Scoundrel"

i'm really interested in using layla as a vehicle to discuss this fear that marc has in the fic. since he sees steven as "better" than him, i can imagine that he'd be afraid that layla would pick steven over him. so in this period where they are actually getting to know each other and opening up, i want to focus on steven acknowledging this fear of marc's and actually stepping back and reevaluating. especially since in the show, steven doesn't have any idea what marc and layla were like when they were actually together and i can't imagine show!steven continuing to pursue that if he thought it would hurt marc.

obviously marc's thought process here isn't a healthy one but i can't wait to go theough the process of dismantling this. and i want steven to be a part of that discussion. if later on, i want to revisit the idea of steven, marc, and layla in a throuple doing it this way leaves me a lot of wiggle room for how they get there.

but i'm a romance repulsed aromantic person who only enjoys it in fanfiction and media so it's very difficult for me to write romance. even in my oc writing (which is literally about a couple) it's not very romantic. so most likely i won't go down that route but i want to leave it open for interpretation.

all this just to say that i will be explicitly writing layla with strictly platonic relationships with the boys but i'm open to potentially making it romantic down the line.

the lies we tell ourselves au masterpost

[brujitaadinbo]

I am happy and a little nervous to start here. English is not something I master, so please let's go slowly. If you don't understand something, you can ask before anything.

I have a lot to say and I hope to gather more friends than anything else. I am open to dialogue but I repeat, insulting is not an argument and you leave. I have seen how Duo Din and Bo katan have coexisted during these seasons; I never expected that this interaction would deepen from the fact of giving each other the opportunity to open up and get to know each other.

I don't deny that at first I didn't see something between them; because I was more distracted by the action of the series and the euphoria. But my opinion completely changed in the season 3 finale.

When I saw how Grogu protected his father and in that process, I included Bo (and I'm not saying that he saw her as a mother but he saw the need to protect her, feeling her closer and part of him) So I change my perspective to this season.

I had to rewatch the series several times, hahaha I'm not lying and it makes me laugh but I did it. Then I started to see those little details between Din and Bo katan. Certain parallels and how hatred came to be appreciated. Since there were signs of flirting, he added verbal and body language, non-verbal language, approaches and even the dialogues, the music. A way to pair them, but not as a cliché couple, as they always portray us. With that cliché romance that always repeats itself; no no

Here they were giving things a process, this type of relationship in which both come wounded, with doubts, with traumas, something that must be slow because if not, it won't end up cooking. And living in a world like the one we live in, where survival is substantial, it is very likely that you empathize with them, understand them and understand how they have done what they have done and how they walk hand in hand.

I do not want to come to talk for the sake of talking and I will try to take all the visible and documented elements to show that indeed; There was no romance as such in this season between them, but there were romantic overtones, there was subtle interaction of this type between them, so much so that Grogu realized that something in Bo was changing. Being sensitive in those aspects, come on, that cannot be hidden from the child.

I have also seen how because of all this, toxic fandom and harmful people have given themselves the right to criticize, mock and attack. I understand it's Star Wars, without generalizing, don't expect many to understand or be mature or allow themselves to question or see beyond their own very personal visions and tastes.

But as I say; Your tastes are clouding the panorama or denying a palpable reality just because something is not to your liking and attacking it. More than sad, it's pathetic. Although anything can happen in The Mandalorian and no one can deny it, if we talk about possibilities, then I tell you, the possibility of something healthy developing is there!!! among them like so many ships from other SW content and clearly those little messages have been there for a reason.

"You don't talk about what you don't know" I love that Din said that. Because if you do not take the time to objectively question this union, to see the content again, you will continue in that ignorance of the elements, which is not just me (because it is not just my opinion, I base it on other aspects) Many others

I would like SW to understand that it is not just a bias of the population or of a certain country that has fans or fandoms about its content. We must give priority to everyone, this is a global phenomenon, seen in many places. And although the program has a family focus, nothing is an obstacle for them to show that no matter what it is, who it is, feelings and emotions are also valid and allow us to surround ourselves with positive people, becoming someone better for those who little by little have entered our hearts. No matter how badass, how Mandalorian, or where you want to be from. No matter the conflict or situation you are going through. Star Wars is based on human emotions and love is not left out of this.

are proving it and they only come to silence them.

[growling]

Top 10 favourite narcissist moments

parasocial hatred. we never talked and I'm not sure you know I exist but I fucking hate you and hope the worst happens to you

getting so pissed over actual talented people that get like 50+ notes minimum for every art and endless praise from their 100+ followers every damn day whining about how much their art sucks and nobody appreciates them or whatever. like shut the fuck up do you just not know how good you have it or are you just fishing for attention. nevermind i have already decided which one and i decided i want you boiled in a pot

not being able to have a normal one without a constant string of supply aka attention and praise from everyone. every time someone talks to me or compliments my epic art skillz or acknowledges me in any way I get such a high I feel like a literal god and feeling giddy nonstop for the whole day, then it fades i start to feel a bit too ignored these past 2 days and a half and i just feel so empty and terrible and my world is destroyed and i need to hurt something now- oh someone said im cool again nevermind i have been fixed the universe is beautiful my future is bright mentally healthy people want me carnally

having a really fucked relationship with the concept of "unconditional love" everything is conditional what are you talking about. and "love" in general, when i say i'm loveless, whether romantically or platonically, i mean it. that doesn't mean i cannot get attached to people or care about them in some other way, no i am not going to explain it in detail right now

there is zero point in talking to anyone else or getting into any relationships because none of these people could ever be on my level. their thinking is so shallow and stupid and they all behave so predictably and enjoy the most nonsensical of things and it's like everyone just gets something that i don't and they're inferior in every way but it feels like they are out for me specifically because I'm not like them and as soon as they find me out I will never be safe there. It's lonely and terrifying but yeah sure I'm the asshole apparently because I secretly feel superior or whatever. contrary to popular opinion being extremely self-centered is not a positive thing for the guy that has it

not caring about anything that doesn't concern me specifically in any way. it's all "support people with low empathy" until they can't ""make up"" for it with high sympathy or just trying harder or something. Everything bad that ever happens is here just for my entertainment or an annoyance. vents and crying and whatnot make me incredibly uncomfortable or annoyed and i mean i will try to listen (because i am a wonderful kind person) but i will have zero idea on how to respond because thorought the entirety of it i didn't really pay attention and just kinda thought "oh my god stfu i don't careeee when can i leave" while envisioning rain code amvs in my mind. unless you unlock my easter egg that is

only doing nice things for praise and making people love me or just to feel good for being such a great person, and getting incredibly dissapointed and sometimes really pissed whenever they're not grateful enough

wow society is a shitshow i don't respect literally any of you people. i should run away and live away from everybody forever but i need to acquire my riches and fame first which will not be hard whatsoever. the struggle never ends

just. lying all the time. and not being able to tell whether you actually like somebody or their attention.

not seeing other people as people (i know they are, it doesn't change that i still feel they aren't), having to slowly spend enough time talking with them and find out enough information on them in order to start seeing them as an actual person. if i don't know who you are then you just aren't that important in the great scheme of things. and if i do know you and get attached (and maybe you also happen to have traits that make you special and better than others almost like me which makes me like you even more) then I decide you're my person now. not in a weird or entitled way, it's just how many of us show protectiveness and whatnot thanks radiostaticsmile for putting that into words. I do feel a bit of an ownership over people I like, kinda like a cat or dog with their people. i'm really not escaping the kittycat allegations am i. god damn it.

[daenysx]

,

minutes ago i was on my way home and the bus ride took kinda long so i was daydreaming (obviously). i just realized that i don't see myself 'worthy' of a relationship. now, i know it sounds cruel and stupid but it's like i always think how having my own person would be perfect, but i actually have no energy to be someone's person. i don't feel good or pretty enough, i know this may sound stupid as well but i'm just being honest with my feelings about myself.

i feel like i'm kinda wasting my potential, you know i think i could look better or more healthy by changing some of my habits and i would feel more confident about myself, that would actually be good for me, but i never take any action. i see couples everywhere and i think this is something good, to be able to share feelings with another person, but i can't imagine myself with actual someone who can be with me. who'd like to be with me. i can't also imagine someone who i'd like to be with because nowadays there's this awkward perception of relationships, flirting, dating and i don't know how to do any of them.

the stupid part of all this is feeling lonely. and the lack of physical connection. some days a hug is all i need but there's no one. i know a relationship is not always having a person to not be alone but it helps i think. i'm not sure.

yeah, and you know all those times i'm saying 'i just fell in love' or 'i have a crush'? i'm lying and it's pointless. i don't know what that kind of love is. i've never fell in love. i don't believe in love at first sight. i don't believe the person i fall for would fall for me so i keep my distance all the time. i'm scared of heartbreaks but i actually never had one. i feel stupid around people who are in love. i envy them but at the same time i don't want what they have. it's complicated and it's stupid.

thank you for being my safe space, i just needed to ramble about things. long bus rides are bad, they make you think about things.

[suniverseastro]

Sun conjunct Pluto in astrology (1)

Hi guys, I have a lot of excitement about this topic...so I decide to write about aspect Sun-Pluto, I don't know I will write how many things about this.. but... here I am. Pleaseee read with an open mindd bc I think I still have a lot of things to learnn

with the position of the sun- pluto, here are some sharing from my personal experience through actual observations

I have a position in conjunction with pluto in 0 degree, as I grow up I notice that a lot of people seem to be unable to cope with the intensity of their energies, they may start to put things behind their backs, for not understanding me. I value honesty, sincerity, sharing deeply in the relationship; they can share their thoughts, confide, deep secrets with me, with this position the people around are very open to their secrets with me naturally.

With this conjugation, my appearance can be considered scary to some people, they do not like it, but to others, it is something they are willing to face light and darkness of oneself, a transformative vigor in the self.

I feel quite comfortable hearing other people share everyday things about their lives, ALLL (except for those who try to steal energy from me). So you can confide in me, very welcome &lt;3 <3

Attracts a lot of Pluto energy: Sun trine/Sextile Pluto, Venus conjunct Pluto, Mecury sextile Pluto, Scorpio,…

I see envy from women and men, simple example is: women envy women who are more successful than them, better than them by boycotting, fabricating, disparaging, smearing to devalue others; Men feel jealous when they see women who are stronger, more successful than them, they try to use prejudices from ancient times to suppress, try to dominate and suppress the image of women (no not every man or woman), they think that women should just hang around the house, ignorant, without wisdom, standing at their feet. Detecting whether a person is lying or telling the truth, coloring, trying to attract attention or not, is not too difficult for me.

I feel that there are many sources of energy that rely on me, including being by my side, observing, caring and even relying on me. No matter how far the connection is, they can sense each other's situation

Many people feel sexually attracted to me, omg, which I really don't want, magnetic energy. When I sexually refuse them it feels overwhelming, resentful, and angry to me, but that's okay, it's not the relationship I want if it's just physical lust (maybe I have venus in Capricorn trine Saturn so... that is my opinion about love relationship)

Sun trine/sextile pluto people often have deep secrets that are hard to tell, if not heard and understood, they can become passive-aggressive and this can make people around feel difficult to understand, unbearable because of the nature of Pluto, they need transformation, so two-way sharing is essential, they are also often very listening, empathetic people, protection and give good advice. So my advice to people who have a lot of Pluto energy is to say / write down all your thoughts and feelings, don't because you feel strong, so you don't need anyone or no one to understand. yourself, please share all. Maybe one day I will write about people with sun-pluto squares

I don't think the sun conjunct pluto is a difficult aspect. It gives me more insight into life and has great potential for personal transformation, this energy is always flowing and needs something to consume, participating in a project or volunteering. members, counseling psychology, spirituality, creating a better mental environment… are great and healthy jobs for these individuals. Besides, the negative thing can be that when I'm in a bad mood it can make me feel like a destroyer and people can have a hard time understanding me.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, your therapist red flag post made me send this ask.

I feel like I fundamentally fail at introducing myself to a therapist. When I was 17 I visited two therapists during the same month for one meeting and one kicked me out because she accused me of being healthy but lying and the other one called the psychiatry (though I said no) to pick me up.

I am now 21 and guess what. I am looking for a therapist again. And the first meeting in September told me "You are healthy, just a lack of vitamins" and the therapist two hours ago told me "You need to go to psychiatry immediately! You will not be able to do a therapy, you will never be able to do a therapy without visiting the psychiatry first."

I told her "No" I don't want to because as a young teen I was in psychiatry and I still have flashbacks from that. And I don't think I "won't be able to do therapy", I don't feel particularly bad and not even remotely as bad as back as a teen, when I really went to psychiatry.

But, I told both the same story (and during them I visited two other therapists who told me, they aren't the right person for me), how can they see so different things in it? Why do I apparently suck so much at telling a consistent story?

I know I seem more down when I visit a therapist for the first time, I hate meeting new people, and I live so remotely that it most times took me hours to get there. But I have like most average issues, depression, socialphobia and a bit of trauma. It's not rocket science.

Therefore it most be the way that I introduce myself, that sucks. How can I do better? I mean I tell everything revelant, it's not that. But maybe the way I explain it... I don't know. But I am desperate because in 9 months nobody wanted to treat me and there aren't indefinitely therapists in my area.

And do you maybe have resources how to treat myself because I am losing all hope ever finding a therapist...

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about your negative experiences with therapists. I think when you have experiences like this it can be easy to feel like there's something wrong with you, but please know that every therapist you mentioned was the one out of line.

You can be "healthy" and in therapy. I believe that everyone has something to work on in therapy. Even just having a professional to vent to can be helpful. I would imagine it's quite hard to tell if a client is healthy but lying just in a single session, and even so, confronting that client about it would depend on building rapport first. And even if someone truly lying about issues they don't have, it still indicates some underlying issue that could be explored in therapy. So perhaps this therapist was making some kind of excuse.

It's also worth emphasizing that therapists are not allowed to give direct suggestions or commands. One of the main goals of therapy is to develop self-reliance, so enabling a dependent relationship on the therapist (where the therapist tells them what to do, instead of getting them to think about what they should do) is counterintuitive. Therapists can also be held liable for making direct suggestions or giving advice as that may backfire. Part of your therapist's main focus should be on your autonomy as well. I'm curious what context led her to insist you should be admitted.

It sounds like you've experienced two extremes, one where a therapist insists you don't need therapy and another that insists you be admitted to a psych ward. I'm not your therapist so I don't feel right saying neither of them are right since I'm missing much context. But both of them seemingly had some kind of issue with their own relationship with their role as a therapist.

It's quite natural to have different conversations with different therapists, and that can depend on their own modalities, styles, experience, and approach. There's a well-known experiment done in the 60s where a client named Gloria agreed to have 3 different recorded 20min sessions with 3 different therapists, each one with unique modalities that they founded. Mostly due to the therapist's approach, Gloria talked about different things with each therapist.

All this to say, I know I'm missing some necessary context, but based on what you've shared, it sounds like these interactions had more to do with the therapists than you. I know that experiences like these can discourage you from continuing the search for the right therapist, but as someone who had to bounce around before finding the perfect fit, I can say it's incredibly rewarding to keep trying. But that being said, there's no rush. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right match.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[piracytheorist]

2 and 3 please for the violence ask game (I like being nosy and the idea of airing out dirty laundry lol)

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

(I'm taking this with more of a meaning of dominant and submissive role, respectively) I don't have particular headcanons regarding Loid's sexual preferences (other than him being a-spec), though I believe that he's done both as part of his missions, carefully separating his feelings from the activity so that either role wouldn't matter to him.

So I'm going to talk about Killian instead. And I'm full on the "submissive Killian Jones" train. My argument is that he has trauma and issues over loss of control due to growing up in servitude, and allowing his significant other (Emma, or whoever else) to wield some control over him and their sexual relationship helps him come to terms with his fear. To give up control and not only be treated well by his "master", but to also be given care and support and gratification back (and through the whole thing that what happens is the submissive's choice, so he would choose how things would go but would allow his SO to handle things). I don't know if that's healthy, but the opposite (him becoming dominant to deal with his trauma) could be unhealthy and toxic as fuck because he might see it as a way of "avenging" his past self who had no control and no agency. So yeah, for me, I could never see him wielding control in a sexual relationship like that, and giving up control is what would make him feel more free and relaxed.

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

As a rule I hate keeping screenshots because a) no reason to remember stupid shit people have said just to make myself angry, b) people can change and holding them on to ideas for fictional stories they had from years ago is unfair and c) I've seen people get endlessly harassed over silly tumblr fandom takes, so.

But that doesn't mean I don't REMEMBER horrible takes. Ethan Winters from Resident Evil being a bigot for some reason. Killian Jones from OUAT only wanting to "get in Emma's pants" (and the painful part about that was HOW MANY PEOPLE just outright believed it, like, tell me you haven't watched his scenes without telling me you haven't watched his scenes). Damian Desmond from SxF "never having been a bully".

Ironically, the worst take I've seen about fictional characters in EVER was on twitter, but I'm not gonna go there cause we know what a cesspit that site is and why the people who make such horrible takes do not survive on tumblr.

But yeah I think the absolute most derailed, most biased take and biggest proof of "I haven't watched the original material" is people saying Heisenberg from Resident Evil wanted to help Ethan. Heisenberg, the guy who forced Ethan to fight his way through a stronghold full of lycans hell-bent on killing him, and then fight through Urias too, apparently wanted to help Ethan and also "cared" for Rose. Because throwing Ethan into another death trap after Ethan refused to let him use Rose however he wanted to is how he showed his compassion!

And I'm not talking about people who recognize the difference between canon and fanon. I'm talking people who legit think Heisenberg would be a better romantic partner for Ethan than Mia. They're like "I can excuse using people as objects and leading them into death traps and ignoring their wish to protect their child but I draw the line at lying to your spouse about being a bioterrorist".

And there are people who legit believe that! There are people who are down to fight for Heisenberg's honour and it's the biggest proof that they completely skip the Stronghold part of the game (and most of the factory, I guess, aside from the moments Heisenberg has his monologues through the megaphones). Because I cannot believe watching an entire playthrough or playing through the entire game, with a moderate amount of reading/watching comprehension skills and reach the conclusion that Heisenberg was only "helping" Ethan and that Ethan was wrong to refuse him and kill him. Again, fanon content is different and I respect whatever people want to create. But when it comes to canon interpretations, I do believe that it's the worst, least informed and most biased take I've seen in my years in fandoms.

🔥 choose violence ask game 🔥

[dinosaurwithablog]

I am old so I'm somewhat out of touch with the things that go on, socially, in the world. Could someone explain catfishing to me. I get online dating and relationships. I get that a person with self-image issues would want to see what online dating is like for the people that they think are popular and attractive. What I don't understand about that is, although, Catfish, posts a way for these people to get help at the end of the show, why don't they make sure that these people get the counseling that they need. And the repeat catfish should be court ordered to get help and / or fined to deter them from continuing this hurtful behavior. The people who are getting catfished, also, need to own up to what they are allowing to be done to them. After messaging with someone for months to decades, and that person refuses to face time, talk on the phone or meet, it's just as much their fault as it is the catfish for prolonging this "relationship ". If someone gives excuse after excuse to you, you should realize that this is not what you deserve or need and move on. Something is NOT right. If you don't, you're doing as much harm as the catfish because you're lying to yourself. How can someone be dating someone else when they've never even sat next to each other? Doesn't dating involve spending time together doing things together? Holding hands? Things like that. I am one of the loneliest people that I know, but I live in reality. And i have standards on how i let people treat me. It's not healthy to count on someone you've never met and go as far as to blow off real people that you have met that want to love you and share life with you. You're doing a disservice to yourself. It's unhealthy and I would imagine it would leave a person very unfulfilled. I, definitely, do not understand why the horrible people who catfish for money or just to mess with others are not arrested. I know that prisons are over crowded, but they should have to pay for their abusive, malicious behavior. Fine them, heavily. Or something like that. They should have to pay. They are con artists and that IS a crime. I don't get it. I wish there was a dating app where no pictures were allowed and people could just talk to each other. If they got along, then they could meet and start a real relationship. So many people say that it's not the picture that they are in love with, it's the person who's been there for them that they love. Unfortunately, most of these people don't act lovingly when they see that the person thar they were taking to is overweight or something like that. It's the same person. The same person who has been a true friend and has helped you get through the hard times and has made you laugh and feel loved. What's up with that? It's understandable that someone who is larger or not beautiful, in their opinion, would not show their picture, in the hope that someone would love them for who they are and not care what they looked like. The shallow people who change their mind and hurt these kinds of catfish by rejecting them, in person, should be called out on their bull. They are just as guilty, if not more so, for hurting someone else and lying because they are doing just that. In my opinion, most of the people on the show need to talk to someone and get help to feel better about themselves or with dealing with hard times. Nev is an amazing man. He can talk to anyone and what he has to say is beautiful and enlightening, but he can only do so much, in his limited time with these people. They need more help from professionals to move forward in a positive manner. I love the show and its attempt to help people. We should all try to do that for each other. I'm just a dinosaur 🦕 so maybe I just don't get it, but I think my thoughts on this matter are valid. What do you think? 🤔

[stellocchia]

Since I really enjoyed yesterday's stream I decided to do one of my overly long analysis on it

So, here's my analysis of (DSMP LORE) Healthy Competition

Dialogues will be color-coded as usual, so here's what I used: Phil, Wilbur, Ranboo

As always I am incapable of brevity, so everything's under the cut

The stream starts with a conversation between Phil and Wilbur in which Wilbur admits that he hasn't been to visit Phil in a while, which makes Phil's later threat about throwing him out feel that much more ridiculous since Wilbur clearly doesn't really live with him either way...

"Alright, it's got one for Phil, one for Ranboo, and one for Techno. Is that all that live here? Just you three?" "Yep, just us three, just chilling"

The only reason why I'm singling this out is that it was right after the mention of Techno's birthday and Wilbur was pointing at the seats occupied by the 4 members of the Syndicate so it feels slightly weird that Niki wasn't mentioned at all. But also it's technically not a lie, she doesn't live there and she only comes around for the Syndicate meetings.

Another thing to add is that Wilbur did notice the chest Ranboo left for him and consciously decided to ignore it.

"I must admit I've come to you with a bit of a- a bit of a proposition. You're into propositions Phil? Are you a bit of a 'propositions' kinda guy?" "Oh, depends, depends. You- you've had some pretty... let- let's just say, uh- not- not a great track record on propositions that you've had in the past" "Alright... I mean, I'm trying to move past that"

I wonder what exactly Phil is referring to here. Because, like, Wilbur did bad things, don't get me wrong, but what's his track record with "propositions" in particular? Because he isn't talking about "Tommy, let's be the bad guys" here since he doesn't know about that. Is he talking about Wilbur founding L'Manburg? But then again, I don't think Wilbur interpreted it that way. I think that, from Wilbur's reaction, he clearly interpreted it as a jab at him exploding L'Manburg (which is the one thing he's trying to move past) which would be extremely hypocritical from Phil since he did the exact same thing but worse.

Also, I really do think that Wilbur is trying to move forward. He's lonely and he has the lowest possible opinion of himself so it doesn't feel weird that he'd want to move on. He isn't putting the work in it right now and he hasn't really changed, but he does seem to want to (though I think he may not know how).

"He [Quackity] didn't seem afraid of me, which is cool. Not many people- I mean you don't seem afraid of me. You aren't afraid of me, are you Phil?" (little look into Wilbur's mind and his fear of isolation once again. And this is fear of isolation, he's worried that other people are afraid of him and therefore are only waiting for him to step out of line so that all their fears would be confirmed)

"'Cause I'm not afraid of you [Phil]" (bold words for someone who spent who knows how long lying to his dad because of a crippling fear of disappointment...)

"Technoblade spent his entire time taking down the establishments, what he left is, as predicted, a power vacuum for a new establishment to come in" (in case it wasn't obvious, Wilbur is not the biggest fan of anarchy. And he actually got this one criticism spot on, indeed all taking down L'Manburg did was getting 4 new governmental-like structures to sprout in its place)

"Phil, I want to make a burger van" *Phil sighs and walks away* (I'm more sure now that Phil really meant "creating L'Manburg" as Wilbur's bad track record with propositions)

Wilbur repeating 4 times that he has no ulterior motive with the burger van managed to make me think the exact opposite. That said that ulterior motive may just be to create a safe little home for himself and Tommy for all we know honestly. Also, the whole thing with Phil trying to convince his grown-ass kid to go play with the neighbor kid and Wilbur throwing a tantrum in response was hilarious...

"If he's [Ranboo] shit you gotta come help me okay? If he's shit you've gotta come be burger boy with me, okay?" (he still is mistrustful to an extreme and pretty childish admittedly)

"Why is he [Phil] treating me like a kid?! Why is he treating me like a little baby?" (remembering how Wilbur treated Fundy I think it may be a family problem)

Another interesting thing to point out is that Wilbur was openly scared of the spider attacking him here, and fights it off, but he doesn't move away from the explosion later on and he didn't move away from the exploding creepers last stream. Other people already made this connection, but I do think it may be a sort of way to punish himself. Specifically, it's brought up later on that he thinks he got off easy for what he did, so he's using what he hurt others with (explosions) to hurt himself now as a sort of punishment for that. Which is another indication of just how much his stay in Limbo didn't help with his mental health.

"Am I being- is this [Ranboo having both cows and wheat] a setup?" (the paranoia never left)

"Ranboo I'm gonna go out on a limb here: do- do you wanna be friends?" "Su-sure yeah, I don't see why not" (I think that at this point it was still just Wilbur following along with what his dad told him to do and trying to find out more about Ranboo. That does seem to change later down the line)

"And then we decided that it [the 'cookie' outpost] was too much trouble so we kinda just left it" (So we have confirmation that the cookie outpost was abandoned)

"We're not gonna annoy Quackity" "That's good" "We can't annoy- we can't annoy him because we're simply put- we're simply put gonna be making...- I got the real estate! He's giving me the area and we're gonna be making a competing business"

Wilbur says this as if he wasn't perfectly aware that this would annoy the sh*t out of Quackity. As if the point of it wasn't exactly to annoy Quackity. Or well, annoying him isn't the end goal, it's just the means to an end. We don't know the actual end goal (though I think Wilbur still wants to either be let into Las Nevadas or actually instate a rivalry between them as he said, one of the two).

"We [he and Quackity] were a part of the same cabinet during New L'Manburg or whatever" "Cabinet?" "Yeah a cabinet is like-" "Was this- was this with Tubbo?" "Yeah yeah" (...) "So you were part of the old L'Manburg? I didn't know that actually, I thought you were a bit of an independent"

Once again: Wilbur is missing A LOT of knowledge. He wasn't aware that New L'Manburg had a cabinet and he wasn't aware that Ranboo was ever part of the country either. He has a lot of misconceptions about what happened during the time he was dead so it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that his views on a lot of things are as warped as they are. Wilbur is getting to his conclusions with an incomplete and sometimes wrong set of data.

"Do you dislike anyone Ranboo?" "Not too much I don't think. I mean there are other people I don't, like, agree with what they've done of course, but I think that everyone is just a product of what they've gone through and everything so if you understand that then you understand the person!"

There is nothing inherently wrong with Ranboo's reasoning here. It's true that most people are a result of their environment and, once you understand what they've been through you can understand them better as a person. It's also fine that he personally doesn't want to hold grudges. But that way of thinking isn't applicable to those who have been hurt by others, sure they can reach an understanding, but an understanding of a person doesn't justify shit and doesn't change shit unless that person works towards repairing old broken relationships. It just all sounds like a nice way of thinking about things in theory, but in practice, it just takes away responsibility from those who have wronged others to fix things and moves it to those who have been wronged. (Ranboo isn't advocating for everyone to think that way though, but I know the fandom will).

Either way, they arrive in Las Nevadas and Wilbur talks about how their place doesn't benefit the consumer and puts down 3 signs.

"I've been trying to think of a name for it [his and Tommy's area], I'm thinking about 'Paradise'"

There are two possible reasons for the name that I can think of:

1) It's in reference to Las Nevadas itself and how Las Nevadas is based on Las Vegas, the famous city of sin

2) It could be a reference to Tommy insistently calling Las Nevadas Paradise in the last stream and Wilbur trying to convince him that their place is the true Paradise

Wilbur does decide to make the Burger Van right at the border which really feels like a very obvious provocation. The other thing is that he makes it clear that he wants the van to be red and white which could be a random choice, but really feels like a reference to Tommy (since they are famously his colors) or an imitation of their opposition. Or both considering how much Tommy liked the restaurant of the opposition and the fact that Wilbur is still trying to convince him to stay.

"I'm not very fond of blue" (at this point it's obvious that Wilbur has quite a bit of pent-up animosity against Ghostbur. I wonder if it is because it still feels like people liked the ghost more than him...)

"Like, the Cookie Shop, I don't even know if it was a cookie shop, to begin with, because it was a little... fortified if I'm entirely honest, I realize that now" "Really?" "Yeah did you not see- oh wait- that giant stone structure?" (Ranboo really did fail to realize that the cookie shop was actually a military outpost, huh?)

"See, I like Tubbo. He's strong-headed, he doesn't let people push him around, you know?" (this is both an interesting change in what he thinks of Tubbo if he actually thinks that and further confirmation that Wilbur isn't a fan of people he considers to be 'followers')

"Why do you claim that you're so 'peaceful' and 'neutral' and yet somehow appear in almost every conflict this server's had since I died?" (since I saw people claiming this is manipulation already, just know that it isn't. He's just confused because, admittedly, Ranboo is a confusing guy and Wilbur doesn't really know him at all)

"Ranboo, why did you come to help me?" (...) "And then also I just think, you know... you can, you know- I think- I think you're an alright person, you know? So I wanna- I did kinda wanna get off on a better foot with you then what happened-" "Why?" "Just because I don't really like having the thought that people don't really like me" "Nonononono not the bit about the right foot, the 'why don't you think I'm a bad person'" "Well I mean, I think that you did bad things, but like, I think that you also went through things that made you that way and then I also think that you've changed now (...) but I think that now you've- apparently you've been away long enough that I think that if anyone goes away for that long eventually they'll have a thought about their morality and everything and maybe become a better person because of it"

I know this quote was absurdly long, but it is one of the most interesting conversations of the whole stream and it is really important and it tells us quite a bit as well. For one thing Wilbur was left quite emotional from someone simply admitting that he's an "alright person" and that they think he's capable of changing and this does bring him to open up to Ranboo right after. What Ranboo says to be exact is that anyone would have changed after going through what Wilbur went through and that change could be positive and while I completely disagree with it, it's clearly something that Wilbur needed to hear.

Now as to why I disagree with the notion that 13 years of semi-complete isolation could change anyone for the better should be rather obvious. But if it isn't, well, that's torture to put it simply. Psychological torture. Just like abuse it's one of those things that only cause trauma and a worsening mental health state and we see this with Wilbur because he didn't change, he only became more self-deprecating. Hurting someone doesn't make them become a better person all of a sudden, that's really not how it works. Hurting someone makes them become more traumatized.

"I think I scare people" ( as I said, immediately opening up about his insecurities)

"I think that a lot of people share your idea, but they share your idea in trying to- trying to keep me from hurting them" (for a bit here Wilbur talks about how he feels like everyone else is just waiting for him to step a foot out of line, which does really show that he's still interpreting all his interactions with people through the lens of his paranoia and self-deprecation, because no one is really interacting with him with that objective in mind)

"Dream's had his comeuppance and I've not" (this seems to be the crux of Wilbur's insecurity. This idea that he got off scot-free for his crimes, the idea that the only difference between him and Dream is the punishment that's been bestowed upon them which, of course, is wrong, but he doesn't know this, because he doesn't actually know why Dream's in prison)

"I've been investing into the wrong areas Ranboo, I've been investing into the wrong people" (This is either a reference to Tommy, to Phil, to Quackity, or to all of them)

"We're kindred man, we get each other" (the reason why he thinks that is because he seems to think that Ranboo has a similar type of paranoia to what Wilbur experience himself and he's not entirely wrong. Ranboo is deathly afraid of conflict and of being disliked so much so that he never stands up for anything in fear of angering others)

Little definition of "neuroticism" for you all since Wilbur kept mentioning it: neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings.

I'd say it's quite fitting for both characters...

"I feel like life dealt us the same cards and the difference is that you built your trust by showing people your cards whilst I- I keep them close to my chest and I feel like that may be the big difference" (I felt like this was interesting. Especially knowing how much Ranboo actually doesn't share and how much he actually also keeps close to his chest)

They talk about tubbo in general for a bit and about what's been going on the server in general. Ranboo also that he's part of both Snowchester and the arctic commune (mostly the latter though).

"This has been chill, this has been good, I'm excited to show Tommy. What's your opinion on Tommy?" "Oh, he's- he's great. Tommy's awesome" "I agree I agree" "Definitely gone through a lot but I think that it's made him a good person" "Well you seem to think that everyone going through something at least gives them some merit you said" "I mean, yeah. I mean if- if no one- the only really bad people are the ones who are just evil because- just because and they don't have any reason why"

Included the whole thing here because if I stopped at Ranboo saying that Tommy going through trauma is what made him a good person it would have sounded really bad. As things are I think that that was just poor wording on his part and that this mostly goes back to the mentality he expressed before about how people sometimes do bad things because of the environment they're in pushing them and this idea he seems to have that actual hardships (like 13 years in Limbo or whatever he knows about what Tommy has been through) can encourage people to be better which is... sort of naive honestly. Again, trauma isn't a catalyst for the betterment of a person, and any improvement Tommy has made came from his self-reflection, not what he's been through.

After they're done with the van Wilbur brings Ranboo to their competing establishment and asks him to smash the windows, which Ranboo does with no hesitation whatsoever. After that Wilbur proceeds to place down one single block of TNT in a corner and Ranboo starts being a little more hesitant.

"You trust me right?" (I feel like that was a trick question considering how their common paranoia is the thing that Wilbur praised in Ranboo before)

Wilbur hands Ranboo the flint and steel to detonate the piece of TNT which Ranboo does, albeit with some hesitation.

"You passed the test, good job man, you go back to the van (...) Ranboo- Ranboo... I'm proud of you man. You've taken a side, you've proven that you can choose a side"

Quite a few people have already pointed out how similar this scene was to the time Wilbur tested Tommy in season 1 to decide if he was fit to be his right-hand man. In both situations, Wilbur gave someone a chance to cause some destruction against someone on the opposite side. Tommy passed the test by refusing to do so and showing that he was willing to uphold his morals and what he believed in. Ranboo passed the test by doing the exact opposite, by showing that, as much as he talks about how he chooses people and not sides, he's not willing to prove that even when all he would need to do to do so is doing nothing.

And it's an interesting scene to analyze as a parallel to that, but it's also interesting to note that Wilbur knows about Ranboo and Tommy griefing George together. He knows that Tommy was the only one to face any consequences for it (not that exile was actually the consequence for the griefing, but this is from Wilbur's point of view). Now putting this in the context of Wilbur seeing himself in Ranboo and thinking that he himself got off scot-free explains this next part perfectly in my opinion.

It explains why he made sure to leave this sign:

To me at least. This is only a theory honestly, we don't have an actual full explanation. But I do think that Wilbur may feel like the both of them never got the comeuppance they deserved, which is why he did something that's sure to get a reaction from one of the most powerful people on the server. Though considering that he also left 2 diamonds as retribution + a chest with all the materials he picked up it could have also been Wilbur's idea of a bonding moment and he could actually really be proud of Ranboo.

[fandomele]

Regina wanting Emma away from Henry before she knows anything about Emma was a red flag. She was worried for herself not Henry. If she cared about Henry she would have set up a meeting in a neutral place like a park so Henry could have a chance to bond his with his birth mom. Because adoption trauma is a real thing no matter how good a parent you are

this is probably not even a hot take because plenty people have spoken about it before - better than I could, not being English nor terribly articulate - and this is also going to be LONG - anti Regina, anti Regal Believer, blah blah:

Regina absolutely put HER happiness first, Henry's was secondary, and it led to all sorts of toxic and abusive behaviors because Regina herself was uncapable of understanding love, healthy relationships, to accept responsibilities and to accept how to be a good mother (which would be by making choices that may make her uncomfortable if those are good healthy ones for Henry, like letting him have a relationship with other people, trust she'd still be loved by him, not try to kill his biological mother, not do the absolutely HORRIBLE thing she did in episode 2 or 3 where she managed to make Emma say that Henry was mentally ill, a safe assumption for Emma to make at the time, while making sure that Henry would be there to hear and be heartbroken. Let's never forget Regina orchestrated it so that Henry would come home right when Emma was having that conversation with Regina, nevermind that Henry would be destroyed-no, actually, she WANTED Henry to be that hurt, to feel that no one believed him and he just had to drop it, so that he'd go back to being hers and only hers)

(then again, she did adopt him illegally, with all sorts of false identity and past, lying, so she knew she'd have to lie to him all his life, but also had no interest in thinking about the future, Henry growing up while no one else did, no doubt because she thought she could cast a spell or something to erase his knowledge of it or whatever. But why would she even worry about Henry's reaction to being the only one who ages? She only took him to fill the void in her heart, him getting love and happiness was barely a plus)

She *had* to try to poison Emma even if Emma was leaving town for Henry's good because her existence was too much to take, because 'as long as you exist, Henry will never be mine', nevermind Henry's pain or anything: Henry is Regina's POSSESSION at the time and she can't even picture him being able to love more than one person at the same time, so he's not allowed to want to see Emma every now and then, he's not allowed to divide his attention, he must be fully hers at cost of traumatizing him forever (by the way, by then she has murdered Graham, ripping Henry's hope away for a while, and with all these deaths she's making sure that yes, Henry will stay with her - as a victim who is terrified she'll kill others if he gets too close to them. Imagine what a life that would have been 'my mother is a murderer, she already killed a guy I liked and my biological mom because I cared for them, she's sending me to a psychiatrist she controls so that he can convince me I'm crazy because I know everything'). In her head, he must love Regina and only Regina and put Regina first, no other family members (let's not pretend she wouldn't have killed David and Snow if Emma was gone and Henry, in his desperate attempt to get away from Regina + desperate attempt to have more connections, had tried to make them his family) so there is nothing good or healthy in the way she's raising him, there is nothing that is Henry centric, it's all about Regina. I can absolutely understand an adoptive mother being worried, scared, uncomfortable, around a biological mother, especially when it's a closed adoption and you were sure you'd never have to deal with that (except, usually people tell the kid, eventually, that he's adopted and all that), but you put that aside, you go to therapy, whatever, you try to be fair, and while protecting your kid because the biological mom is also technically a stranger at the moment and she could be dangerous, you start preparing yourself for them to get to know each other, to be a bridge between them too. But that's not the story, Adam and Eddie wrote her in the first season as a villain who couldn't be redeemed, who forced people to sleep with her with magic or by using the fact that she had brainwashed them, well-aware they'd be repulsed by her closeness if not - she tried even to seduce David -, she murders, she burns down entire villages, sends children to a cannibalistic witch, and she's the typical fairy tale evil mother (or adoptive mother, fairy tales have both) who must be defeated, killed, and her kids rescued. She was clearly meant to be the final enemy, she even upped Rumple when she had him in his prison cell, dangling the cup in front of him, still in season 1, it was obvious it had to go that way and it would have been okay, she was written that way.

Then they changed their mind and started retconning, rewriting the past, because they wanted to keep this 'super cool and popular' character around, give her more roles, while also giving us flashbacks of her as an unforgivable villain but pushing the narrative that Evil Queen and Regina were two different people - because they liked both and wanted to keep both. Except that anyone who wasn't a fan, meaning anyone outside of tumblr's and online's circles of fans, had no intention of separating the two (hence also episodes advertized as Regina-centric having very low numbers of watchers, people were watching the show for Emma and family, don't let a very loud very small minority fool you just because they screamed louder online). But still, Adam and Eddie surely believe they did a great job when it comes to her redemption or more accurately splitting her in Enchanted Forest Evil Queen & Regina, and denying she was an abusive monster in s1 too, and Regina became a mother who had always loved Henry, and we are meant to forget all the horrible things she did to him directly, and to those he loved (and to her entire world). We, the people actually paying attention, not so much. There was no redemption besides her going to save Henry, something that doesn't even necessarily mean she's good, and deciding that was it, she was on the side of the heroes already, and a good mother, and can we drop the E-word already?? The Evil Queen was someone else

[softkuea]

Once again, i'm here being a Theo apologist because it does irks me to see people calling him "selfish", "immature" or a "master of manipulation" (he is not) without much of an argument besides his maladaptive behaviour, which btw, makes perfect sense considering his family/social context and personality.

Theo is a character with many flaws, he doesn't cope well with reality so he uses fantasy as a way of avoidance and protection. His coping mechanism it is, indeed, inmature, naive and self-centered, but that doesn't make him a bad person, that doesn't mean he is doing everything with ill intentions: he is totally unware of his own harmful behaviour.

Theo's family is also not perfect and i really think the way his parents raised him has something to do with his psychological state: you can't just keep your son in a bubble until he grows up, you can't leave your son to his own devices in a different country breaking all his connections in such a early age. Theo had only one friend and that was Akk, it doesn't seem he was very social, he had a rich inner world after all, but cutting that relationship so quickly will clearly have an impact in Theo, I mean, he still was thinking of him in France and described his life there as "lonely". Also, separating a kid from his role models, the people that he looks up to for healthy coping styles, that's just not good. Theo was extremely sheltered of the raw conflicts of the world, this lead him to an idealized version of everything! love! friendship! life! So yeah, this isn't a issue of "Theo is like this or like that therefore evil" He might be rich and all, but y'know? most of the time it's the rich families the ones with more distorted family dynamics, usually involves emotional neglect or in this case, the lack of tools given by the parents to their child to confront reality (the stereotype of the spoiled brat comes in mind, however, Theo doesn't not behave like that in my view).

Let's not forget the big elephant in the room: he was struck with the dead of a love one. His first hit with reality was literally death.

If a totally mature adult with a good set of coping skills can deregulate and get destroyed by the dead of someone close to them... imagine how it must be for someone like Theo, that has none of that.

Besides, Theo has insecurities too! and a lot of them! honestly, it's extremely sad that he doubts of the love of his parents for him, but how can he not? He came from thailand and many people went to him for his status/money, everyone lied to him to keep him "happy", so who says they are not lying about loving him either?

At the same time, Theo being a only child puts a little of pressure on him to keep the family together, the reason why he took P'Sun advice.

Now, why he decided to go with his mom? I would say this is more of an emotional response, he clearly thought it was better for Akk and for his mom (different reasons): he seemed to have a more warm relationship with her and honestly, grieving another person (in the metaphorical sense) wasn't a option. I do think it wasn't the best decision, but considering Theo's character... seems about right. If I'm being honest, for me, he still needs to sort things out and therapy: there's scars left undone BUT at the end, he is getting better and i see him for what he truly is, a person with the soul of a kid, trying to survive with what little he had in terms of coping and guidance.

"Theo the manipulator" doesn't not exists for me and it never will.