#secret life session 5 is a doozie

[andyling]

y'all wtf did they put in the water this session

[janeykath318]

Wrong Number 5

Chris was waylaid by Jim on his way back to his office one morning about a week after he’d gone to Leah’s.

“Hey, boss man, what’s this I hear about you hanging out with my client? Thought you didn’t do stuff like that.”

Chris gave an irritated sigh. Once Jim found out, it would be all over the place. Kid couldn’t keep a secret to save his life and loved speculating on any possible romantic entanglements, the nosy brat.

“Really? You went to her place. You never go out unless it’s for work,” Jim pointed out astutely.

“She’s almost six months pregnant, Jim,” he sighed. “I went to her place because it’s far less stressful on me than her. We talked and played Scrabble. She’s ten times the player you are and it was refreshing to have good competition for once.”

“I’m wounded!” Jim clutches his chest dramatically. “Does this mean you’ve replaced me?”

“No, I’ve upgraded,” Chris said bluntly, brushing past Jim and leaving his nosy friend gaping behind him.

Unfortunately, Jim was not long discouraged by this brush off and stared after Chris with a knowing grin.

“Oh, he’s interested all right. I see all the usual symptoms. I wonder if Uhura noticed too.”

Jim made a mental note to drop by her office to discuss the interesting development. Nyota was known for reading people like a book and if he’d noticed Chris’s slightly altered mannerisms, well, he was certain she would have as well.

Chris remained blissfully ignorant of most of the gossip because he determinedly shut his eyes and ears to anything not work related while on the job.

If he wanted to befriend the sharp-tongued, witty, delightful doctor it was none of their business and he wouldn’t let them get to him.

He’d been texting back and forth with Leah nearly everyday since he’d been at her house and was quite enjoying her scathing commentary on idiot humanity and friendly back and forth trash talk about a possible Scrabble rematch.

He found Leah McCoy entirely refreshing and one of the most interesting people he’d met. And to think, it all started because of a misdial. He was glad that her painful divorce ordeal was coming to an end. The stress was extremely hard on her, not that she let on much. Her complaints were mainly about work related incidents and the inconveniences of her growing baby belly. She was starting to make plans for her child’s arrival and worrying over the future as a single mother.

He had no idea what to say, having no knowledge of pregnant women, but listened and offered support as best he could, being totally out of his depths.

The next time he visited with Phil, the doctor had clearly learned about his friendship with Leah, judging by the gleam in his eye as his greeted Chris.

“Chris, my old friend, how’s the courtroom these days?”

“As exhilarating as it always is, Pal,” Chris answered dryly. “How’s the operating room?”

“Busier than I would like, sadly,” Phil admitted. “However, I heard that we know have a mutual friend. Leah McCoy’s been grilling me about you.”

His blue eyes were dancing with questions and excitement and Chris was resigned to his fate.

“What did you tell her?” He sighed, afraid of what Phil would say.

“That you’re a fine, trustworthy man who’s a touch rusty on the social scene, unlike your brilliant, hard-hitting eloquence in the courtroom. I also said you are inclined to hermit life and it’s good for you to make more than legal friends.”

Phil’s reasons made Chris roll his eyes. So, he preferred solitude. They acted like he was one of those crazy hermit types who lived in an isolated log cabin with no running water or electricity and chased visitors off with a fierce scowl. However, he was enjoying the change in his routine whether he admitted it or not.

“I suppose you heard how we met?” Chris inquired, thinking about the out of the blue call and the angry southern voice that had chewed him out on the phone before he’d informed her she had the wrong number.

“Yes,” Phil confirmed, blue eyes once again dancing with amusement. “What a doozy. She says your gracious handling of the situation caught her completely off guard. Made me proud, Chris. Hope you’re cleaning that no good ex of hers out in the divorce. Jack was a snake and never deserved her in the first place.”

“I agree with that, but Jim’s actually the one who will be cleaning him out,” Chris told him. “I’m very confident Leah will come out of this with a favorable settlement. You know how tenacious Kirk is when he’s on a case and he hates cheaters with a passion.”

“Sure do,” Phil chuckled. “I’m glad she got connected with you two. She’s had a lot of stress and that’s not good for her at all right now. Hanging out with you seems to have relaxed her a bit.”

“Anything I can do to help.” Chris said fervently.

“And you really mean it,” Phil said approvingly. “Any other man, I’d be worried about ulterior motives, but not you.”

“It shouldn’t be that rare,” Chris said with a frown. “But even if I did have impure motives, she could smell it a mile off and kick my ass to kingdom come.”

“True. I’ve never known Leah to be a shrinking violet,” Phil agreed. “She’ll take care of herself, all right. Let’s hope I won’t have to join her in an ass-kicking session.”

He shot Chris a meaningful look and the veteran lawyer picked up the meaning, much as he was irritated that Phil felt the need to hint a dire warnings. There was no need for a shovel talk when the two people weren’t even romantically involved and had no interest being so!

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

The 65 absolute best moments from 'The Office'

Fact: The Office is now and will always be one of the greatest television shows of all time.

The NBC comedy, which debuted in 2005, followed the extraordinarily amusing lives of Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Pam Beesley, and other employees at Dunder Mifflin Scranton. And even though The Office has been off the air since 2013, fans have yet to stop obsessing over the nine glorious seasons.

While everyone impatiently awaits a possible revival, which John Krasinski already has planned, we figured it'd be wise to take a look back and cherish some of The Office's best moments.

SEE ALSO: 'The Office' hasn’t been revived yet, but at least we have Angela’s YouTube channel

From entire episodes like "Dinner Party," to small but hilariously written and acted cold opens — like the time Kevin spilled his chili — here's a comprehensive list of 65 best moments from The Office. 

1. The Dundies

Nothing beats your first Dundies! So let's kick this list off by taking a trip back to Chilli's to see Michael in his prime as a host and Jim and Pam share their first real kiss. 👀

2. Dwight blasting "Everybody Hurts" in his car

In Season 2, episode 4 — "The Fire" — Dwight gets jealous of Michael's budding relationship with new temp Ryan Howard. After a fire alarm causes Dunder Mifflin employees to evacuate to the parking lot, he's seen hardcore brooding in the car. Dwight, windows down, slumped in the driver's seat, blasting "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M., will forever be one of the Biggest Moods out there.

3. "Ryan Started the Fire"

Another equally gorgeous moment in "The Fire," occurs when Dwight bounces back from his brooding to belt a parody of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."

After learning the beloved temp Ryan accidentally started the fire in the office by leaving his cheese pita in the toaster oven (set to "oven" instead of "toaster"), Dwight sings "Ryan Started the Fire" while waving the charred cheese pita in the air.

4. Jim and Pam having a roof date AND sharing headphones

In "The Client," (Season 2, episode 7) Jim and Pam spend the night sitting in lawn chairs on the roof while watching Dwight set off fireworks. Jim makes his "famous" grilled cheese sandwiches and Pam brings drinks and a freaking candle. Then later, before saying goodbye, they SHARE HEADPHONES, which is such an important moment that Mashable.com already mentions it in two other articles. Has there ever been a more wholesome 1:14 of television?

5. "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration" 

In the eight seasons since the world finally met the love of Phyllis' life, Bob Vance, we've had the pleasure of listening to him introduce himself many many times. Nothing, however, will ever beat the first.

6. The teapot

As Season 2's stressful holiday party comes to an end, Jim's thoughtful Secret Santa gift finally makes its way to the intended recipient, Pam. Jim (clearly smitten to hell) gets her a tea pot she wanted but FILLS IT WITH BONUS GIFTS, including several cute and sentimental inside jokes like hot sauce packets, a mini golf pencil, and his dorky high school yearbook photo. Swoon city!

7. Jim's "Booze Cruise" confession 

Season 2, episode 11 aka "Booze Cruise" is a doozy. In a touching scene on the boat, Jim finally reveals his feelings for Pam to Michael. Surprisingly, Michael replies with some truly inspiring advice.

8. Michael's grilled foot

Season 2, episode 12's "The Injury" is one of the greatest The Office moments. Michael burns his foot by stepping on a George Foreman grill, which he places on his bedroom floor because he likes to wake up to the smell of bacon. Understandable. It's a beautiful, overdramatic episode filled with crutches, Country Crock, and Michael trying to shove his foot into Dwight's MRI machine.

9. Pam's voicemails

"The Carpet" (Season 2, episode 14) starts super gross and ends super sweet. Jim's feeling a bit sad after being isolated from Pam all day due to a temporary desk switch, but when he checks his voicemail before leaving for the day he finds he's a bunch of messages from her! Aww. Luv.

10. When Ryan hooked up with Kelly but didn't check the date

In Season 2, episode 16, after finally hooking up with Kelly Kapoor on Valentine's Day eve, Ryan Howard utters perhaps his most iconic line in the series.

11. Dwight's bobblehead

Unlike Ryan, Dwight had a great Valentine's Day, because a secret admirer *cough* Angela *cough* gave him a bobblehead doll of himself. Watch as Dwight experiences true joy.

12. Jim gets jinxed

In Season 2, episode 20 — "Drug Testing" — Pam jinxes Jim for the entire day and really makes the most of it. After poking a little too much fun at him, however, she goes out and buys a Coke so he can purchase it from her and un-jinx himself. 

13. Dwight "Honorary Security Advisor" K. Schrute

In "Drug Testing," a guilty Michael also has Dwight inducted as "Honorary Security Advisor" of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Hugh Dane, who played Hank the security guard, did the honors, and when the actor recently died Rainn Wilson shared the scene on social media.

RIP Hugh Dane, aka Hank the security guard. He was one of the greats. So kind, funny, talented. We will all miss him. Donations can be made in his name to: https://t.co/z1SAqamWMM pic.twitter.com/ysevEZKOjy

— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) June 4, 2018

14. "Casino Night" confession

Hello, yes. You knew Jim's parking lot declaration of love was going to be on this list. We finally get to see Jim tell Pam his true feelings and it's SO MUCH. When John Krasinski says, "I just needed you to know... once," and "I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship," who on this planet did not die? Not to mention, THE KISS. WHAT A KISS. 

15. Michael walking down to "the warehouse"

"Grief Counseling" (Season 3, episode 4) begins with a hilarious and underrated cold open in which Michael pretends to walk down the stairs to the warehouse. The ultimate dad joke.

16. Good Grief counseling

Later in the episode, Michael leads a grief counseling session where the Dunder Mifflin employees tell stories about losing loved ones. Turns out, they're actually just death scenes from movies.

17. The bird funeral

Wow, "Grief Counseling" again! Great episode. Gotta love this bird funeral complete with moving speeches, Pam singing, and Dwight playing his recorder. RIP BIRD.

18. Stanley on Pretzel Day

If you want to see Stanley Hudson shine, look no further than "Initiation" (Season 3, episode 5,) where the man gets to indulge in his annual free pretzel.

19. The phone call

Jim hasn't spoken to Pam since he transferred to the Stamford branch, but in Season 3, episode 5, the two accidentally share a phone call and pick up right where they left off. They talk about Michael, how many words per minute they type, and Pam confusing 28 Days with 28 Days Later. Romantic shit, people!

20. Phyllis' ultimate burn

After Stamford-turned-Scranton employee Karen Filippelli reveals she's allergic to her new desk mate Phyllis' perfume, Phyllis delivers this scathing hot burn: "Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine."

21. "Lazy Scranton"

Michael and Dwight present "Lazy Scranton," a parody of Saturday Night Live's "Lazy Sunday," to get everyone pumped about working in The Electric City post-merger.

22. Prison Mike

After someone claims prison would be nicer than working at Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott introduces the staff to Prison Mike — one of his many alter egos. In "The Convict," Prison Mike memorably explains the worst thing about prison... the dementors.

23. Angela's karaoke debut

Angela rarely comes out of her shell, but in "A Benihana Christmas," she makes the office floor her stage and sings a very tame rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy."

24. The ceiling prank

Although it ended in Andy punching a hole in the wall in a fit of rage and being forced to attend anger management classes, the prank where Jim put Andy's phone in the ceiling tiles was quite fun.

25. The missing key

Behold: The Season 3, episode 17 cold open in which Michael unsuccessfully attempts to escape from a straight jacket.

26. Creed eating a potato

"Safety Training" (Season 3, episode 20) is an utterly delightful episode. The Scranton office gets into placing bets against each other, one of which is whether or not Creed will notice if his apple is replaced with a potato. Spoiler alert: He doesn't.

27. "Lord beer me strength"

Jim puts his own fun spin on Andy's famous saying in "Product Recall" (Season 3, episode 21). It gets a laugh, like a quarter of the time.

28. Mall day

Sometimes you just need a day with the girls to figure your life out. Michael learns this in the "Women's Appreciation" episode, when he takes the ladies of Dunder Mifflin to the mall. They hit the food court, give him some much-needed advice about his relationship with Jan, and then he takes them on a shopping spree to Victoria's Secret. Not inappropriate at all.

29. Andy floating away

In "Beach Games" — episode 23 of the third season — Angela tries to sabotage the games (so Dwight will win) by letting Andy drift away in the lake while wearing an inflatable sumo wrestling suit. Andy repeatedly asks her to go get help. She doesn't.

30. The yogurt lid

During "The Job," Jim's mid-interview with David Wallace when he discovers a sweet note and a gold medal yogurt lid from the "Office Olympics" episode. Pam hides them to encourage Jim, and they inspire him to return to Scranton and ask Pam on a date. One ticket back to swoon city, please!

31. Michael hitting Meredith with his car

Season 4, episode 1 starts with a bang, and that bang is the sound of Michael hitting Meredith with his car. Later, Michael holds a Fun Run to raise money for rabies awareness, carbo loads, and throws up fettuccine alfredo, saying, "While I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out." The best. 

32. The DVD logo

In the thrilling cold open of "Launch Party" (Season 4, episode 3,) the staff watches on the edge of their seats, waiting for the DVD logo on the TV screensaver to hit the corner of the screen. When it finally does, they cheer, and Michael assumes it's because of him.

33. Devil Wears Prada day

In "Money," the seventh episode of Season 4, it's very clear Michael's obsessed with Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada.

34. Dwight's bed and breakfast

This is also the episode in which Jim and Pam stay at Dwight's family farm turned bed and breakfast. If you recall Dwight READS THEM A BED TIME STORY from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

35. Michael driving into Lake Scranton

If there's one thing we learned from Season 4, episode 3 of The Office, it's that your GPS is not always correct.

36. The entire "Dinner Party" episode

It's impossible to choose just one best moment from "Dinner Party." The Season 4 episode gives viewers a rare and hilarious AF glimpse at Michael and Jan's home life — complete with bizarre sleeping arrangements, a tiny plasma television, and a catchy AF single. Even the cast loved this episode.

37. Michael singing "Goodbye Toby"

"Goodbye Toby" was the episode Michael dreamed of since the series began. Toby's headed to Costa Rica but not before a parking lot party, a proposal, and Michael's rendition of "Goodbye Stranger" by Supertramp.

38. Jim proposing to Pam

It might not seem like the most romantic setting, but Jim's spontaneous gas station in the rain proposal is one for the books.

39. Dwight's fire drill

One of the greatest cold opens of all time is in the Season 5 episode, "Stress Relief," when Dwight starts a fire to teach the office about fire safety. Chaos ensues, Angela throws her cat through the ceiling, and Stanley straight-up has a heart attack. #SaveBandit

40. CPR training

Michael also attempts to perform CPR on a model in the two-part "Stress Relief" episode, but the office winds up singing "Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees instead. A truly glorious moment where Kelly dances like all of us.

41. The roast of Michael Scott

In "Stress Relief," Michael decides to hold a roast for himself — which is, of course, hilarious — but the real laughs come near the end of the episode when he fires back at his employees. Michael goes around the office flawlessly burning each of his coworkers, declaring, "BOOM, ROASTED," when he's finished. It's so funny even Stanley LOLs.

41. Kevin tragically spills chili

RIP Kevin's homemade chili. You lived a good, extremely short life, appearing only briefly in "Casual Friday" (Season 5, episode 26).

42. Phyllis' hug selling for $1,000

Dunder Mifflin's holding an auction to raise money after the office was robbed and the highest bid just so happens to be for a freakin' hug from Phyllis. After an intense bidding war, Dwight surrenders to Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

43. Andy trapping Dwight

It's a duel for Angela's love and Andy's not holding back. He tapes a note to some bushes to lure Dwight, then stealthily drives up behind him in his silent Toyota Prius at about 1mph and traps him. An impressive feat.

44. Kelly's Hillary Swank freak out

In "Prince Family Paper," the thirteenth episode of Season 5, the office tries to decide whether or not Hilary Swank is "hot." When the group is unable to reach an agreement, Kelly has very relatable outburst in which she realizes that if people don't think Hilary Swank is hot they must not think she's hot either, and storms out of the room.

45. Soup snakes

"Company Picnic" (Season 5, episode 28) is a special one. The Dunder Mifflin branches come together to compete in a series of challenges, but amidst the chaos Michael admits he and Holly are "soup snakes" (mispronouncing "soul mates").

Cute Fact: Mindy Kaling used the term "soup snakes" to describe her IRL relationship with B.J. Novak. ~ swoon city, bitch ~

46. Pam's pregnant

"Company Picnic" is also the episode in which Jim and Pam learn she's pregnant. GRAB THE TISSUES!

48. Jim's wardrobe adjustment

Another two-part episode, "Niagara," shows the highly anticipated wedding of Jim and Pam. But right before the two are about to head into the church Pam's veil tears. Jim's response? Cutting his tie in half.

49. Embarrassing 4ever

And what would Jim and Pam's wedding be without their friends recreating a viral video and dancing down the aisle to Chris Brown's "Forever" despite being asked not to?

50. Michael joins the Mafia

In the sixth episode of Season 6 of The Office, Dwight and Andy convince Michael that an insurance salesman interested in working with Dunder Mifflin is a member of the mafia. They go to out to lunch, say "gabagool" a lot, and Michael orders a salad ON THE SIDE.

51. The Lip Dub

Season 7 of the show begins with the Dunder Mifflin crew attempting to go viral by recording a lip dub of The Human Beinz's song, "Nobody but Me." Just watch.

52. Dwight doing Pretty Woman

In "Counseling," (Season 7, episode 2), Dwight pulls a "Pretty Woman" and returns to a store in the mall that refused to serve him. Turns out, the employees were simply terrified of his beet juice-stained hands, which looked bloody. He makes amends, but still manages to deliver the iconic Julia Roberts line.

53. The happy and sad boxes

In the "Ultimatum" episode, Erin helps Michael prep for potentially good or bad news regarding Holly. They create two boxes, one filled with happy things, and one with sad things. A truly brilliant method of dealing with news and we should all take note.

54. Creed attempting a cartwheel

Ah, watching Creed thinking he achieved his goal of successfully doing a cartwheel in Season 7, episode 13, is one of the most simple joys out there.

55. Threat Level Midnight

In Season 7, episode 7, after more than 10 years of hard work and preparation, Michael screens his action movie: Threat Level Midnight.

56. Kelly explains text message subtext

Kelly gets REAL when it comes to analyzing Darryl's texts to Val from the warehouse in Season 8, episode 16, and we could all use her wisdom in our lives. Five dots, Darryl??? Are you kidding me?

57. Michael proposes to Holly

You will cry so many tears watching Michael propose to Holly in episode 19 of Season 7 that it'll look like a sprinkler system went off.

58. "Seasons of Love"

In Michael's second-to-last episode and final Dudies ceremony, the office honors him with a beautiful rendition of "Seasons of Love" from Rent.

59. Goodbye, Michael

Episode 22 of Season 7 requires a big old box of tissues. Michael's leaving a day earlier than he told everyone and says heartfelt goodbyes to all his co-workers except Pam. Luckily, Jim catches on and drives Pam to meet Michael at the airport before his flight takes off.

60. Daryl's daughter classing up Christmas

Daryll's daughter Jada singlehandedly saves "Classy Christmas" — perhaps the worst holiday party to ever hit the office — by joyously handing out vending machine snacks to everyone. So wholesome, ugh.

61. Ryan's final declaration of love

Scared of losing Kelly to a successful doctor, Ryan pulls out the big guns and declares his love with the help of poetry and a horse.

62. Asian Jim

From sticking belongings in Jell-O and making mega desks, to tampering with vending machines and more, Jim's played some great pranks on Dwight over the years, but Asian Jim was a next-level effort.

63. Darryl's farewell dance

The office busts a move to bid Darryl farewell in Season 9's "A.A.R.M" episode, though it's Oscar who really steals the show.

64. The Note

Remember THE TEAPOT? Well, at the last minute Jim hid the card to Pam he'd included in the box, and gives it to her years later (along with a DVD of highlights from their relationship) to save their marriage.

Jenna Fischer still has the note, too!

Awwww...Cleaning out my desk and I just found Pam's teapot note. #swoon

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) October 24, 2013

65. Michael returns for Dwight's wedding

MICHAEL RETURNS for his BFF's wedding to Angela, because what would this wedding be without one last "that's what she said" joke? If the series had to come to an end, the only way we'd want to do it is with the whole gang back together again. It's emotional AF, but "Finale" does a good job of wrapping up this brilliant journey.

To catch more best moments from Michael, Jim, Creed, Kelly, Angela, Kevin, and the your favorite paper salespeople, you can re-watch the series on Netflix. And who knows, maybe one day we'll get that revival.

[yourlocalyorozuya]

Update plan for Fic Dump 3!(Warning: Looooong im sorry lol)

heyyyy y’all! 

so! i posted a thing yesterday regarding the way im going to post fics now: you can read it here but basically long story short: life sucks, writing sucks harder so ive started planning to write a lot of fics at a time and update all of them, instead of just going for months and then like updating. one thing.

Now the first two fic dumps are here and here! But the third fic dump may take a while, so i kinda wanted to outline what ive got planned for it right here cause its a doozy oh boi

so here we go! all the fics, plus their names(which are honestly so uncreative im probs gonna change them later...if i give a fuck) and summaries(also subject to change cause all of em are in really early draft stages cause i suck)!

((this is also if you want to drop me a line and go bitch update that one fic up right now DONT MAKE US WAIT YOU TEASE. or smth. via my askbox. you can also always make requests there too! anything goes, nsfw or not, any pairing, like anything goes as you can clearly see in this lineup lol))

Anyway the fics are under cut but here’s a summary: 

AKESHU: 3 planned

PROMPTIS: 2 planned

ARDYNOCT(ish): 1 planned

HIJIGIN: 1 planned

YAMAHIBI: 2 planned

ABESHIYA: 2 planned, 1 complete

CHROBIN: 2 planned

Summaries under cut!:

AKESHU(Persona 5):

Bedroom Warfare(Rating M+)

‘When did they meet? 

Akechi didn't know. Because he didn't remember.

Had it been a bad day? A good one? A normal one where he'd just wanted to relax and unwind for once?

So much for that.  He thinks to himself as he wakes up the next morning with little to no memory of last night. Little to no memory but enough of an inkling as to what happened.’ 

Aka the drunken one-night stand fic where they keep meeting for more one-night stands and try not to think about why. 

With perverted sentimentality:(Rating M)

The tension settles uncomfortably in the back of his neck, his shoulders. Like those taunting eyes, just out of reach.

Unidentifiable, ethereal, his fingers tearing through laughing shadows.

There, again, that fleeting expression in those dark eyes. Staring back at him.

Aka the social link analysis fic plus more kissing+what goes beyond kissing added because im (predictable) trash

With claws, teeth and crooked tongue [Chapter 2]:(Rating M+)

"Tell me."

The monster demanded. What else could I call it?

It was a creature, a monster, from the depths of the darkness under my feet.

The claws around my hand were sharp.

Heavy, red drops of blood fell from my wrist.

Words swirling in my ears, I barely feel that itching burn.

"What do you see?"

Aka the continuation of the demon!akira fic where Sae is tired, Akechi is confused and doesn’t want to admit it and Akira is a little shit. like yknow. in-game.

PROMPTIS(Final Fantasy XV) 

Hey there, Sunshine baby!:(Rating: T+)

By the time his alarm tries(and fails) to wake him up with its lovely opera of wailing rings and by the time his trusty Ignis alarm fills in, with his daily phonecall to rouse a reaction out of him, Noct wakes up to the bleary glare of the electric lights in his still-lit apartment, the mess of sheets and bottles on his bed-

and the extremely attractive and extremely naked man cuddled up next to him, with a leg over Noct’s aching hips and hugging him close. 

“...?!”

So much for that New Year’s resolution.

Aka that time that Noct thought that he had a drunken one-night stand with a very attractive boy(Prompto), but its actually just that same boy being a shapeshifting weredog that Noct rescued from the shelter and its kind of awkward to bring up the fact that he’s a shapeshifting weredog, so he’s now living a secret double life of flirting via human form and cuddles via dog form.

...Where was the problem with that again?

Barefoot on the coals:(Rating T)

Softly, they flit in its imposing shadow. Like gods of death in this ice-encrusted hell, not a sound, not a word, leaving death, leaving destruction in their wake. 

Softly, Prompto sees him approach. Knife in hand and glowing red eyes.

The face of Insomnia’s God. Pressing him against the wall. 

And that’s how he knew that he was going to die.

Aka the fic where Prompt was taken by Ardyn as a child, away from the Magitek factory and raised him as his ‘child’. And the one where a grieving, bereaved Noctis takes the helm of the remaining Kingsglaive, along with his brothers-in-arms, to wreak havoc on the kingdom that took everything away.

ARDYNOCT(Final Fantasy XV): 

Where Gods cannot see you or me. (Rating E+ for Explicit)

Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think. 

A desperate mantra in his mind, with cruel hands tugging at his clothes, baring him all to the violent, bright, pulsing lights. 

He couldn’t even if he tried, honestly. It’s all he can do to breathe. 

With those eyes watching him, all fake, fake pity for the rat that walked willingly into his trap. 

For just a second, Noct stares back. 

And then, he closes his eyes and stops thinking.

Aka that fic with the AU of Noct as the prince of Insomnia who possesses magic by making pacts with the demon!Chocobros, back in the time where he was 16, where he’d accidentally lost his virginity by letting some weird guy take him to a masked orgy party thing, full of demons. Oops. 

HIJIGIN(Gintama):

You try to make a ghost commit seppuku, your JUMP will be soggy for a thousand years!(Rating T)

It’s around the point of Kagura having her fifth bowl of chazuke and Gin returning to his seat after feeding the live mountain of fluff that they called their dog(and somehow now returning with his head split open) that Shinpachi finally snaps and ask, “What is this?!” 

“Chazuke.” 

“Not that, what is that?!” 

“Sukonbu.” 

“Since when does sukonbu go on chazuke?! But seriously, what is that?!”

“Chris Rock.” 

“How did we go from sukonbu to Chris Rock?! In fact, why Chris Rock?! In what way does he look like Chris Rock???” 

“Kazuya Nakai?” 

“The character name!! Say the character’s name not the voice actor!!! Enough, I’ll just say it! Why is the demonic Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi casually sitting here eating breakfast with us?!”

Aka the fic in which Hijikata for some reason keeps hanging out around the Yorozuya office, Gin is (mildly) annoyed, Shinpachi is confused and Kagura keeps watching too many nighttime dramas. Set after the events of the Shinsengumi Rebellion Arc.

YAMAHIBI(Devil Survivor 2)

Like Day and Night:(Rating T)

He sits back on the couch, the cat curled up on his lap. Quiet enough on its own, but still providing a sufficient enough distraction for Hibiki, considering that he has to reach down and pet it every odd second or so and risk being shot at in-game. His books abandoned to the side, buried in the cushions, with a discarded popsicle wrapper next to it. An early breakfast, probably.

Hibiki notices him then, and pauses the game completely(where was that during those intermittent cat petting sessions?) and smiles at him like he usually does. 

Marred slightly by the dark circles under his eyes, that quiet whisper that his voice had been reduced to.

“Welcome back, Yamato.” 

Aka the continuation of the day and night AU where Hibiki is afraid of the darkness, Yamato has a ‘persistent sensitivity’ to light, they share a dorm together and shenanigans ensue.

One secret for you to keep, more for me to speak:(Rating T)

As per usual, he stands in the shadows, away from the light. Quietly, away from the eyes of the public, among the crowd of sheep. Blending in, immaculately, despite his neat, well-maintained appearance; blue, white, gold among the sea of brown rags.

Perhaps it was his expression. It certainly matched those around him, all too well.

Surprise. Fear. Admiration, of the purest kind, almost like a child’s. Towards where his brethren assembled. 

The wolves, in the center, mindless at the sight of demons so much stronger than they could ever be. With gnashing teeth, with their own demons assembled in a ‘protective circle’ around them, the citizens. 

The wolf in the crowd of sheep, he knows better. He looks to where Yamato stood, matching his gaze. The fake surprise drops in an instant. 

And he smiles. 

Aka the expansion of the victorian demon lords AU, with Yamato investigating the murder of prominent demon tamers and Hibiki being the commoner half-brother of the Shijima family, who seems to know a lot more than he should.

ABESHIYA(Fukigen na Mononokean):

For every flower, I say to you(Rating K+)(COMPLETE)

Oh, how he missed the days he could sleep.

How easy it had been to just...close his eyes and dream. What a novel concept. How do  other people even do that?

His eyes were closed right now, but dreams wouldn't come so easily to him. Even fatigued as he was, weighing at his eyes, his bones, his very being.

Mostly because it was hard to do that with someone yelling in his ear.

"Abeno-san!"

...Dammit. He heaves a sigh and finally relents, opening his eyes.

And sees a curious face, mere inches away from him.

Aka the angel!Ashiya fic that someone asked me ages ago and i just started writing now cause im. trash. with him bugging abeno with flowers in his hair and they totally dont have any specific meaning what are you talking about abeno ahahahahahaha...ha

The Tale of the Morose Manbeast Chapter 9:(Rating T)

(currently being written)

Close your eyes and think that you’re mine. (Rating M+)

Even through the blindfold, he knew. He could ‘see’ through the sensations on his skin. 

The cold marble table on his back, from the gazebo in the back garden. 

The binding on his arms from the obi that he was wearing. 

The wind that picked up through his hair, quietly, so quietly. As if he was alone in the world. 

But he wasn’t. 

“Abeno-san?” 

He asks, of the hands under his throat, the lips on his cheek, the shuddering breath on his skin. The alpha’s scent, their heated breath, Ashiya’s heart pounding so fast that it scared him, all of it did. 

And yet, even with all of that, their kiss through cruel teeth, bruised lips, even then, it causes a hitch in his shuddering heartbeat, even then Ashiya’s weak to the scent of him, the person that he wanted.

And could never have.

Aka the omegaverse AU with Alpha!Abeno, Omega!Ashiya, classy rich house parties, a friendly Ashiya and an extremely possessive Abeno. There is probabl less plot in this than there should be.

CHROBIN(Fire Emblem: Awakening)

Stopping at the green:(Rating M+)

(currently being written) (yes its the threesome!chrobin request anon i gotchu)

Dollhouse:(Rating M+):

"I don't want to stay here anymore."

He remembered his own emotions just as clearly. The confusion. Had he heard him correctly? He remembers...he looked over at him then.

Robin's face. What...did it look like then?

And the look on his friend's face. He remembers that. The way Robin looked like he was about to cry.

"I can't ever come back."

Aka the fic with Rockstar!Robin, confused bi Chrom and little whispers in their little hometown through rumors, answering machines and kisses in the dark. 

....and that’s. it. wow this was surprisingly exhausting to write lol. so thats why the next update will take a while im sorry lol

i cant believe you even read through all this honestly im

well. thanks for reading! and i hope you have a lovely day!

[houstonlocalus-blog]

Never Settle: The Best of The Week

Jeezy. Photo: Uncredited/ICM Partners

  Now that SXSW is over, we’ll get a bit of a slowdown as far as what’s happening around this city. Of course, that doesn’t mean that this week is slim as performances from Jeezy, Flogging Molly, and Louie Anderson will give you plenty to do while locals like Days N Daze, Astragal and more will make deciding what to do more difficult. Houston, here’s how to navigate the upcoming week.

  On Wednesday you can get going with the punk infused Celtic rock of LA’s Flogging Molly at House of Blues. While it’s been fifteen years since these guys hit it big, they’re definitely due for a new album, and their live shows are always worth making it out for.  Their 2016 single “The Hand Of John L. Sullivan” is hopefully a sign that a new album is on the way.  The punkish folk of British six-piece Skinny Lister will be on as direct support and openers for the all ages show with doors at 7 pm and tickets between $35 and $55.

  If you’re up for a laugh, then you could head to the first of three shows from the always hilarious Dave Chappelle at Revention Center.  It’s been over a decade since Chappelle’s Show ended, but that doesn’t mean that the comic hasn’t been gearing up for a strong return.  With a newly released special Deep In The Heart of Texas: Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Limits, these shows should be worth it.  There’s no word of feature act for the all ages shows with doors at 7 pm, 10 pm, or Thursday at 7 pm all with tickets for $69.50.

  The Show Ponies. Photo: Daley Hake/Red Boot PR

  At Walter’s you can catch the beauty of indie rock folk mixture of The Show Ponies.  This five-piece makes music that’s like old time country folk with hints of indie rock flavor, and they’re so diverse that you can’t even pin them down to where they came from.  Their latest releases are both from this year, including the beautifully crafted full length How It All Goes Down, and the band’s live release Jam In The Van.  The straight forward rock of Houston’s Alex Riddle will be support and opener on the all ages show with doors at 8 pm and tickets between $7 and $10.

  Thursday you should consider heading to the big room at White Oak Music Hall when the crusty sounds of Houston’s Days N Daze host their album release and tour kickoff show.  These guys have toured the globe, they have a pretty rabid fan base, and their last album, Rogue Taxidermy, should be enough reason to see what they’re up to this time.  The thrash punk of San Antonio’s So Unloved will provide direct support while the skate ska punk of Houston’s FUSKA will go on prior.  The Ballistics will also be on hand to bring their crazed punk to life and The Real McCoys will open the all ages show with doors at 7 pm and tickets between $10 and $12.

  Mucky Duck will host back to back sets from Austin’s Bob Schneider.  Schneider has been a Texas staple for a good while now, he always seems to bring something new to each show, and his latest release Best of Frunk 2015 is definitely the singer songwriter stretching his legs,  The 21 & up shows are at 7 pm and 9:30 pm with tickets between $28 and $30.

  If you’d rather get your noise music fix, then you could go to Sound Exchange to catch the Exchange of Noiz show. Hosted by Spike The Percussionist, the show will have sets from Painful Vigil, Astrogenic Hallucinating, Kai/Ros, The PackRat Show, SquareCircleSquare, In The Pouring Rain, and The Rotation of An Object In Relation To Itself. The all ages show is 100% FREE and it gets going around 7:30 pm.

  King Woman. Photo: Uncredited/Hexagram Booking

  At Walter’s you can get scared by the black metal of Belgium’s Oathbreaker.  This four piece makes the kind of music that sounds like dying bodies falling from a burning plane, they’re rumored to be insane live, and last year’s Rheia is pretty intense to say the least.  San Francisco’s King Woman will bring their doom drone metal on as direct support while the somber and engaging punk of Kentucky’s Jaye Jayle will open the all ages show with doors at 8 pm and tickets between $12 and $14.

  Out in The Woodlands you could catch a super intimate living room set from JPKS.  Also known as Justin Peter Kinkel-Schuster of The Water Liars, the Arkansas singer songwriter plays tunes that are a road weary chill kind of vibe, and his latest Constant Stranger from last year is pretty solid.  Adam Torres will open the show with doors at 8 pm and tickets for $20 with more information available here.

  If you can, you’d do yourself a service by heading to Leon’s Lounge to catch an intimate set from Houston hip hop duo Dirty & Nasty.  While it’s definitely time for these two to drop a new album, their live shows and album Sons of The Queen are both worth experiencing.  The chopped and screwed instrumental hip hop of Houston’s Purple Bastard will open the 21 & up show with doors at 9 pm for the 100% FREE show.  

  Friday you should head to Bohemeo’s for the Counter Coven Open Mic and Art Market.  I’ve been to one of these and I’d be lying if I said that there wasn’t always something surprising in store.  The all female lead event will feature a guest speaker talk from Ann Christensen, as well as open mic sets from Vicki Tippit of Black Kite, Bevin, and Dallas’ Lauren Belmore.  The all ages event gets going around 5 pm and it’s 100% FREE with more information here.

  Louie Anderson. Photo: Uncredited/Courtesy of Artist

  Over at Warehouse Live in the ballroom you can catch one of the greatest comics of all time when Louie Anderson swings by to perform.  Anderson of course is now known more for his hit show Baskets, but you should know that the Midwest comic has also been in films like Coming To America, he’s authored three bestselling books, and he’s been on pretty much every late night talk show around.  His last album, LIVE from 2013 is a true riot and he rarely performs in venues like this, so the show is a real treat. There’s no word of feature act or host, but the seated all ages show has doors at 7 pm and tickets between $30 and $34.

  If you like the sultrier side of things then you could go to the studio at Warehouse Live for another edition of Kiki Maroon’s Burly Q Lounge.  The monthly vaudeville based show features burlesque, comedy, music and more, and is definitely worth making it out for.  The 18 & up show has doors at 7 pm, it’s seated, with tickets for $25.

    Satellite Bar will host the pop punk of LA’s The Dollyrots.  While the band has sweetly tinged group and dual vocals on most songs, their punky riffs are also super catchy and their latest release Family Vacation: Live in Los Angeles is pretty solid.  The garage punk of LA duo The Two Tens will be on as direct support while the bluesy sounds of Austin’s The Coattails will open the all ages show with doors at 8 pm and a $10 cover.

  Astragal. Photo: Uncredited/Courtesy of Artist/Facebook

  Rudayrd’s has the indie rock meets guitar rock sounds of Houston’s Golden Sombrero over for their album release party.  Aside from a strong live show, these guys just dropped their sophomore release Defensive Indifference, and boy is it a doozy.  Complete with plenty of hooky riffs, they’re an up and coming band everyone needs to see sooner than later.  Houston’s sultans of catchy guitar rock, Brand New Hearts will also be on hand while the dream pop indie rock of Astragal will open the 21 & up show.  Seriously, Astragal could be your next favorite band as they have hints of post punk and new wave in their music, and they’re like if Bauhaus made a Wire album.  The show has doors at 9 pm and an $8 cover.

  At Numbers you can get a chance to be in the documentary, Friday, I’m In Love: Numbers Nightclub Documentary when the legendary club and the filmmakers will host an evening to catch dancefloor footage.  Of course, this is “Classic Numbers” night so you’ll have the ability to dance the night away while helping the filmmakers and having a blast.  Normal cover applies and it gets going around 9 pm.

  On Saturday at Love Park you can spend the day with the Heights Kids’ Day of Music.  The all day family friendly affair features up close and personal embraces with instruments, two stages of local music, the Opera in The Heights singing station, and much more.  The FREE to attend event has more information here, and runs from 10 am to 2 pm.  

  Comrades. Photo: Uncredited/Facedown Records

  Downstairs at White Oak Music Hall you can get your metalcore fix when Georgia’s Norma Jean brings their popular screamy sounds to town.  While these guys weren’t really my thing, their latest album Polar Similar from last year is pretty legit.  Mixing metal riffs with scream heavy vocals, their crazy live set should be worth catching. The post hardcore of North Carolina’s He Is Legend is on as direct support and the punk infused sounds of San Diego’s Capsize will go on beforehand.  The intensity of Colorado’s Comrades will open the all ages show with doors at 6 pm and tickets between $18 and $22.

  Walter’s will host the pop punk of Massachusetts’ Four Year Strong.  Mixing emo, screamo, and pop punk, these guys have been making fans since they started in 2003.  They’re here in support of an upcoming album, and they dropped a new holiday track last year called “Somewhere in my Memory” that was pretty solid as far as holiday songs go.  The hardcore meets pop punk of San Francisco’s Set Your Goals will be on as direct support while New Jersey five piece, Can’t Swim will go on beforehand.  The crazed energy of Ohio’s Light Years will also be on hand where Chicago’s Sleep On It will open the all ages show with doors at 6 pm and tickets between $20 and $22.

  At The Secret Group you can celebrate the 100th edition of Bootown’s Grownup Storytime with a special event. The all ages evening gets going with a special pre-show featuring members of the LA and Boston Grownup Storytime lead by JJ Johnston.  This is followed by two sets of the show at 7 pm and 9 pm, as well as an after party dance session.  The show has doors at 6:30 pm and 9 pm and tickets are between $20 and $40, the latter being a VIP option.

  Later on you can get your dance on at Red Alert: Danscendentalism.  The 21 & up show features DJ sets from Wrestlers, Portal Walker and more and is hosted by Mills McCoin and Marini Van Smirren.  RSVP gets you in for FREE, though it’d be cool if you gave them a donation with doors at 7 pm and more details here for the charitable event.

  TAME, the Aspiring Me. Photo: AF The Naysayer

  Over on Center Street, you can get turnt up with the hip hop of TAME, the Aspiring Me at the fourth Bounce and Turn party.  While he’s the son of Houston rap legend Big Mello, TAME has been grinding since 2010 and his latest drop from this year 98 Briargate & 11 Almeda is pretty fire.  NOLA born turned Houston transplant Retrokash will be on beforehand as well as DJ sets and more for the warehouse event with doors at 8 pm and a $10 cover.

  Upstairs at White Oak Music Hall you can get down when Houston’s Tax The Wolf returns to perform.  One of the more intriguing local acts from about seven years ago, these guys were known for energetic live shows and their 2010 album Hold the Sun still holds up.  The chill rock of Houston’s Vodi will be on hand as direct support while the funky good time jams of Handsomebeast will open the all ages show with doors at 8 pm and a $3 cover.

  Sunday you can head to Continental Club for their Reggae On The Rail event.  The early evening affair features a DJ set from Kool Emdee who will spin your favorite dub, dancehall, and reggae classics.  Things run from 5 pm to 9 pm and it’s only $5.

  MOTHS. Photo: Uncredited/Courtesy of Artist

  Satellite Bar will host the interesting alt rock sounds of Philly’s The Spirit of The Beehive.  These guys kind of sound like Sonic Youth meets Dinosaur Jr, and their latest album Pleasure Suck should sound great in person.  The experimental thrash math core of Houston’s MOTHS will crazily be on as direct support while Fight Me will go one beforehand.  The post punk of Austin’s GLYDE will also be on the show and the psych punk sounds of Houston’s Bernie Pink will open the all ages show with doors at 7 pm and a $10 cover.

  At House of Blues you can get your hip hop fix when Jeezy swings by to drop a set.  Now that he’s dropped the ��Young” from his name and grown up, Jeezy should bring plenty of swag to his set and his 2016 release Trap Or Die 3 definitely proved he can up his game.  There’s no word of support or opener, but that could change on the all ages show with doors at 7 pm and tickets between $45 and $69.50.

  Tuesday you can catch the legendary mind of Dick Gregory over at Improv.  Gregory is easily one of the most important cultural figures in comedy.  Breaking the color barrier in comedy, Gregory is a civil rights activist who’s still crazy funny and not to be missed.  The St Louis comic is an act everyone should experience, and the 18 & up show has doors at 7 pm and tickets between $30 and $40.

  If you’d rather catch another set of legends, you could swing by Mucky Duck to see two sets on the same bill from Al Staley and John Staley.  Members of the classic rock band Spirit, these two will perform the broad range of tracks from their storied careers.  The second set will feature a backing band to rock the house.  Houston’s Evelyn Rubio will open the 21 & up show with doors at 7:30 pm and tickets between $20 and $22.

  That’s about all that’s happening around this week.  No matter what you decide to do, remember that getting home safe is in everyone’s best interest, so please, drink like an adult.

Never Settle: The Best of The Week this is a repost