#sebastian gives me the vibes of a fucking gremlin

[rednite-dork]

Sebastian Sallow, the man you are.

[serve-cunt]

HIIII ZOE ITS MY IRRITATING ASS AGAIN (this is my main blog, I have tennis and f1 sideblogs but don't know how to make the ask come from there, I haven't been on tumblr in FOREVER..)

anyway my little curious gremlin ass has YET MORE QUESTIONS

ALSO I COMPLETELY FORGOT CHALLENGERS WAS COMING OUT, IM SO DAMN EXCITED FOR THAT FUCK YEAH, we LOVE zendaya she's gonna serve (pls laugh) cunt

okay so i think picking out my favourite players will be easier if I relate them back to f1 drivers, makes em seem more familiar, so if I do like a checklist of sorts of driver types, can you match them up to players you think fit the vibe?????

e.g. is there a former champion (lewis/fernando coded) who's looking for a comeback? is there a young talent who's had bad luck but is on the rise (lando) is there a calm, level headed one that everyone thinks will go far (oscar) is there a charming elegant one that social media is obsessed with (charles my babygirl). im assuming djokovic is the max verstappen adjacent, fairly young dude who's smoking everyone, yeah?

just like ugh I LOVE f1 so dearly and i think sporting parallels will help SO much

question: is it a big money sport like f1? Obviously anyone can pick up a racket and hit a ball, but is it very expensive and exclusive to make it into the big leagues? you mentioned smth in the fic about oscar adding up the whole cost of going pro, would that be a huge problem for poorer families?

are there any player pairings with vaguely homosexual vibes? again with the damn f1 parallels but adjacent to max/charles, carlos/lando, even lewis/nico if I dare mention brocedes, because I just absolutely live for speculation of silly little goofy athletes' relationships with each other

here's where I get REAL shallow but fuckin sue me, WHICH ARE THE PRETTY ONES I CAN SIMP OVER. i am bi so that doubles the market, but basically which are the ones that i can watch edits of and get all giggly and blush over, in your opinion and in the general tennis community's opinion.

whats andy murray's deal? Is he retired? Is he like the sebastian vettel of tennis?

how dramatic is it compared to f1? we all know that f1 is gossip girl on wheels... is tennis gossip girl running around a court or is it less drama-fueled?

not a question but I'm so excited to see which f1 drivers turn up to Wimbledon this year like, CROSSOVER EPISODE YEAAAA

is djokovic the max-esque guy where it's like "okay I don't mind you, you're cool, but god DAMNIT, stop being so good, let my other favourite little meow meows have a CHANCE for once"

how worldwide is it? are players mostly European/Aussie like f1 or is it more widespread?

is the meme game good? i LIVE for online hilarity in sports, are there any iconic tennis moments/memes a la "it's near a fish" "smoooth operator" "bwoah" etc etc whatever

really gotta stop talking about f1 in terms of tennis but it's the only other sport I'm really into IM SORRY FORGIVE ME

which are the "sad wet cat" (dearly beloved) players? you mentioned one guy but there's gotta be more than one right??? I always get attached to athletes with those vibes

IM SO SORRY ABOUT THE CONSTANT QUESTIONING BUT YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I TRUST TO GIVE ME CORRECT INFO RN BECAUSE YOU REALLY SEEM LIKE YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT

finally a HUGE FUCKING THANK YOU???? For putting up with my idiot ass mostly, and your fic is singlehandedly making me wander into the tennis world despite knowing literally nothing and you're helping my understanding SO much, youre about to drag me down this sport's rabbit hole just by existing. tennisblr seems like such a fun adorable place im SO excited to start watching stuff, you're a legend and ilysm <3333

you are literally NEvEr irritating you are the best thing to happen to my inbox every time, sorry i was so slow on this one!! I had a very hard time relating f1 drivers to tennis players lmaoooo so in the end i just skipped that part!! I'm so sorry!!! it's just so hard because the narrative of f1 drivers is so specific and intrinsically tied to TEAM and to their teammates, and to the tragedy of a good car and/or the wonder of a great car ... the betrayal of contract negotiation & silly season etc.... tennis just doesn't really have that!! all the narratives are more player v. self and player v. world, instead of driver v. driver and driver v. fate. if that makes sense??

so yeah. sorry 😭😭 it's also possible that I just don't have enough imagination and somebody can jump in to help with that .... anyway, moving right along to

"is tennis a big money sport"

GOD yes. tennis is soooooo expensive, it takes approx 1 billion dollars to pay for lessons, court time, coaching, travel, accommodation, gear, etc etc. :// You get paid if you win. let me say that again: you get paid if you WIN. there aren't salaries! early in your career, you are HEMORRHAGING money, esp if you have a coach. the travel is fricken expensive all by itself!! and if you're paying a coach as well you're either in debt or you're playing with house money if you catch my drift. (tennis players often come from wealth, much like f1 drivers — they can also be sponsored, sometimes by their country, but usually only if & while they're successful!!)

if you do well, you start to win, maybe you make money, more likely you're breaking even for a while (or even still losing). if you do REALLY well, then you're looking at more prize money and maybe sponsors, so then you can start making some real money out of this. but yeah it's CRAaaaaaazy how much money tennis players pay to play tennis lol!! it is 10000% a problem for getting underprivileged kids into tennis, there's a reason tennis is so white!

"are there any player pairings w vaguely homosexual vibes"

LOLLLL look i never turn down a chance to push the sincaraz agenda but also, carlos alcaraz does that for me!!!!

they're so cute damn

also getting into sinner/berrettini …

but honestly, besides that?? f1 is way better for pairings because we watch them interact with each other off track WAYY more. you barely see tennis players interact with each other! i have been emailing the respective tennis associations about this (jk but I should). MORE GOOFY VIDEOS WITH PLAYERS DOING STUPID GAMES (with each other, crucially)

"which are the hot ones"

ooohh this is suuuper subjective but i am soOOOoo into coco gauff, she's gorg, also iga sviatek in red, also daria kasatkina, also maria sakkari really does it for me, also katie boulter is so cute.

hot damn

on the atp side oBVI jannik, carlitos is so cute but he looks so young i feel like he's less hot and more adorable, caspar ruud looks like ryan gosling as you have pointed out, ben shelton is gorgeous (and cocky in a way that unfortunately does compel me, oops), arthur fils!! beautiful. tennis players are all hot, in my mind??? they're so …. well rounded …. 😏😏😏

"which are the "sad wet cat" players"

andrey rublev my beloved sad cat

muchova (not really a sad wet cat but tragically always broken in some way)

daniil medvedev but if the cat was cunty

"whats andy murray's deal?"

oh my GOD murray!! my love my husband my father my holy ghost!! a tragedy a triumph …. a player in the era of the Big Three (Djokovic, Federer, Nadal) and therefore destined to be remembered as "oh, and andy murray" … or "one of the big four" (the big four is not a thing unless you're talking about andy murray lmao) ... a great player, one of the greatest, a slugger, a workhorse, had one of the cleanest backhands of all time, and the classiest guy in tennis … see: andy murray shutting down sexist reporters on multiple occasions ....

He's not retired !! he's still going, here he is recently losing:

He's actually (possibly) playing at this upcoming Challenger Tour event! as are a number of interesting players. the reason that this is interesting is that Challenger level tournaments are a level below the ATP Tour, so you don't often have this many recognizable (to me, anyway) names playing at this level!

[side note: the movie Challengers — the name is a play on the Challengers tour. they're playing a Challengers match in the movie, but also "challenging" each other for zendaya … you get it]

Anyway this tournament should be interesting … andy murray is getting older but he's not ready to quit!! he's gone on the record saying there are things he's still trying to accomplish before he retires, and he's playing well in practices it's just not translating to matches yet. he's also said if his body tells him to retire he will, but uhh. he's got a literal metal hip so clearly he's not QUITE ready to listen to his body.....

"is he the seb of tennis" HMMMM this is an interesting question, I wouldn't really class him this way �� seb is like a silly little sexy fruity goblin (if I'm reading his vibe correctly — I'm late to f1) and andy is a stoic public school kid with a goofy streak … if that makes sense …

"how dramatic is tennis compared to f1?"

ALSO INTERESTING I think that's sort of relative to how much you care about individual players, I think game-play is pretty dramatic at times but nobody's ever in danger of bursting into flame??? so in that sense not as dramatic as vroom vroom sport lmaoo but there is a bit of temper tantrum throwing, and then important wins (see: Alcaraz Wimbledon 2023) are SO dramatic in the best way…

gossip-wise I don't think it's as dramatic as f1!! there's deffo tennis gossip but I think, again, because there aren't teams, the drama is less wrapped up in "betrayal" narratives yknow??? like ferrari ditching sainz for lewis was dramatic in so many different ways, not LEAST because of the betrayal of carlos. I feel like tennis is less set up for that, bc it's every player for themselves

"is djokovic the max-esque guy where it's like "okay I don't mind you, you're cool, but god DAMNIT, stop being so good, let my other favourite little meow meows have a CHANCE for once"

YES EXACTLY i cut in your whole q because that's exactly right!! so so so apt imo .. howEVERRR it was less correct when federer and nadal were still around and at their best, because those three really did make up the Big Three, capital B capital T, and they had such a good dynamic going between the trio — it was less one-note when djokovic had a constant fight on his hands... now djokovic is older and slowing down so we're getting into a sunset period, which is interesting because he's still doing GREATTT (and I wish he would stop, give my meow meows a chance etc) but everyone sees the light at the end of the tunnel re: a djokovic retirement. whereas I think people are looking at the max ascendancy and saying "GULP" bc we all want our favorite boys to win at least one WDC (cough lando cough cough osc)

"how worldwide is it?"

fairrrrly? but yes europeans heavvvvily represented, americans as well to some extent, asia and australia to some extent — not so stark as f1, but def same bougie euro vibes lmao

"is the meme game good?"

again fairrrrrly but def not to the same extent!! less of a "here are the memes everyone knows" and more in the spirit of, like, if you're following a few players & the major tournaments, tennis tumblr/twitter is fun to be on … trying to think of a "classic" tennis meme and I can't which isn't a good sign lmaooo .. jannik puking in a bin and then going on the biggest win streak of his career is a pretty good meme in my mind though ...

CROSSOVER EP YAAHHHHHHHH I CANNOT WAIT WE BETTER GET SO MANY GOOD WIMBLEDON PHOTOS AJHFDLAKSJFHDKLASJFH

sorry again to be so slow !! this was fun to go through as soon as I stopped tearing my hair out trying to make player: driver comparisons but again, maybe I'm just not creative enough ..

xx ily :))))))

[racingliners]

F1 Re-Watch 2022: Round 15 - the Netherlands

No I didn’t intend on watching this and Belgium so close back to back but... I just want to rip the plaster off and get it over with.

(Unrelated, this is the first of 8 races left and the Seb retirement sads are starting to come back 😭)

Anyway, I’ve never actually watched the Dutch GP yet so I’m curious to see if Zandvoort the circuit passes the vibe check or not, onwards!

iirc Verstappen wins so please let there have been some kind of good racing in the midfield and some Seb points.

I’m also starting this after 10pm so yeah lots of poor life choices made all round

but I do have chocolate

ah, opening with some windmills, just in case we had no idea where we were racing

all I’ve seen of Zandvoort is the circuit map so I am truly going into this race knowing nothing

Starting grid: Seb P19. fuck.

Lance P10 though!!

MICK P8!!!!!! LEWIS P4!!!!

Let’s not have a race and just call it a day

“Can Ferrari get it right this afternoon?” lol no. In Ferrari we do not trust.

JENSON COMMS MY SKIN IS CLEAR MY CROPS ARE NOURISHED

Sky Sports F1 at 99% is literally Ted and Jenson

right please let there be no lap 1 violence I did not enjoy Spa at all

obligatory “They’re not Max fans they’re McLaren fans” joke

[Start/Lap 1]: okay phew a mostly clean first lap thank goodness, just Lewis and Sainz getting a little too close

[Lap 2]: KEVIN NOOOOO

oh jeez he’s actually back on track damn that was so so close

Seb and Lance both up two places THAT’S MY BOYS

[Lap 3]: Kevin’s car is somehow fine despite smooching the barrier DAMN

oh damn the replay of Lewis’ start

(also OUCH that cut to Angela in the garage hurt today 😭)

[Lap 4]: *Ted klaxon*

Ted and Jenson on comms at the same race, so very blessed

[Lap 5]: “When you want a nice stress free afternoon, Fernando is not the one you want behind you” truer words have never been spoken. Assigned gremlin status by Crofty

[Lap 6]: Lewis still with the rainbow helmet we love to see it

[Lap 7]: Don’t do that, don’t give me hope that Charles can catch Verstappen

[Lap 8]: Lewis is also reallllly catching up to Sainz 👀

[Lap 10]: Alonso passes Gasly from P12

Unrelated but I cannot tell if the weird haze around the track is mist, low cloud, smoke from flares or sand dvhaeuh

[Lap 11]: Seb has somehow ended up in P20 17 secs behind Latifi, I can only assume he pitted :(

He did pit!! Cheers Ted

[Lap 12]: And Alonso passes Yuki for P11

and Seb jumped Dan at the stop 🎉

[Lap 14]: Sainz v Lewis watch: much of the same, Lewis closes with DRS on the straights but isn’t close enough for a pass yet

And Lewis up into P3 as Sainz pits

12.7 sec stop. ouch.

oh not Perez driving over an errant wheel gun, just to rub salt into the wound

[Lap 15]: Seb watch: up into P17 post-stops!!!

oh he was racing with Mick, who did a really nice pass

[Lap 18]: Charles pits. *prays*

2.5. much better.

[Lap 19]: Lewis P1. STOP THE RACE!!!!!

(I am well aware it’s bc Verstappen pitted. I still want them to stop the race)

“What happened at Carlos Sainz’s pitstop?” “A mess” avuehuhu MATTIA

when the clownery lasts for so long you eventually become self aware

I mean I’m still not on board with speaking to TPs mid race, but in this case I’ll allow it bc I cackled

Seb, Zhou, don’t do that

“Hamilton still leads Russell” oh boy that has never felt so good to hear. INJECT IT.

“He’s been passed a lot has Sebastian” the racing gods giveth and the racing gods taketh away 😭

“This is a really good situation for Mercedes” Inject it, write it into the sky, write it on post it notes and pass them out to strangers

(2015-2018 me would be disappointed in me but she fell for Ferrari v Mercedes propaganda so she doesn’t count)

Bono sighting (beloved)

[Lap 26]: lol I got way too excited and forgot my lap count soz

ANYWAY, this race isn’t terrible, not great, I’m a little warmer than whelmed

And honestly, the fact that Zandvoort is only on the calendar bc F1 want to milk Verstappen fans for cash aside, I don’t hate the circuit. There’s not that many opportunities for overtaking, but an onboard lap is nice to watch.

[Lap 28]: oop Verstappen passes Russell for P2

can we pit Lewis please I suffered through 2021 enough

[Lap 29]: Meanwhile the Ferraris are down in 4th and 6th

[Lap 30]: Phew Lewis does pit. For Hards.

[Lap 33]: Genuinely fascinated to see how the Merc 1-stop vs the RBR and Ferrari 2-stop is going to play out

[Lap 35]: Noooo slow stop for Mick 

“We don’t believe we can manage to do Plan C” another race another alphabet lesson from Ferrari 😭

Permanent agony every time I see a Ferrari team radio message tbh

[Lap 36]: as it’s late at night I had to contain my yell at Lewis trying to go round the outside of turn 1. HOLY SHIT.

[Lap 37]: AND HE TAKES P3 INTO TURN 1!!!!

Seb this was not the time to come out of the pits evgesghgh

[Lap 38]: “That was Plan OMG with Checo and Lewis” Ted I utterly adore you. 

[Lap 39]: Oh and Russell passes Perez too 👀

[Lap 41]: “No one’s talked about Ferrari” yes bc they’re not doing anything next question

and Perez pits for hards

Seb under investigation for ignoring blue flags akehgujahg

[Lap 44]: Yuki nooooooo

“Tyres not fitted” Alpha Tauri EXPLAIN YOURSELVES

...and Yuki’s moving again????

He’s going so slowly though

[Lap 46]: Anyway Charles pits, also for Hards

and again Mick vs Seb eagijaeigh

Yuki pits again 😬

“I know we’re near the North Sea but this is fishy” ajvhajevh Ted

ANYWAY cut to Lewis in P2

[Lap 47]: oh for god’s sake Yuki’s still going slow

to VSC or not VSC

yup VSC deployed

[Lap 49]: Verstappen, Lewis and George all pit under VSC

argh I’ve missed hearing Lewis be genuinely happy on team radio so much!!!!

[Lap 50]: VSC clear, let’s go zoom zoom

oh my days Lance P10!!!!!

[Lap 51]: 12 sec gap between Verstappen and Lewis. I am diving head first into the sea of delusion

another Bono sighting, thank you very much TV director. Your basket of pastries is in the post.

[Lap 53]: Death, taxes and Seb getting a 5 second penalty for something 

oh man those replays of Lando v Alonso, sick

[Lap 55]: Me, knowing full well Verstappen wins: Yeah Lewis can totally close an 11 second gap in less than 20 laps

OH JEEZ Bottas stops right at the end of the main straight

“At least the only overtaking place is gone now” eaovhaeouh Jenson the man that you are

[Lap 56] Full safety car, as it should be

mean this race has been way more eventful than I though

[Lap 57]: Merc 1-2. I have become the sea of delusion.

or we could just stop the race that would be fine too.

[Lap 58]: The way my blood pressure just spiked upon seeing George in the pits, with the Safety car coming through the pits. Lewis still leading though.

oh grief so much pit drama, unsafe release from Sainz

Anyway Lewis P1, Verstappen P2, George P3. Stress.

I know exactly who wins. And yet I still think Lewis has a chance. I am boo boo the fool.

[Lap 60]: Safety Car ending. *distressed yelling*

I hate Safety Car restarts so much

[Lap 61]: ....

well that was fun while it lasted. Please tell me Lewis at least is on the podium

[Lap 62]: Seb watch: Into P14!!! but he still has the 5 sec pen

Okay I looked up the podium to avoid disappointment and I’m quite glad I decided to do that.

[Lap 64]: Lewis, George, can we not nearly crash out please and thanks

[Lap 65]: I am distressed Angela and distressed Angela is me

[Lap 66]: ...and Charles passes Lewis for P3. ouch.

[Lap 68]: 5 laps left. Much is happening.

Lance clinging onto P10 for dear life, Perez and Sainz thinking about starting a punch up, Lewis is pissed, Seb is still following Mick.

“Lance Stroll is lapping faster than Carlos Sainz” INJECT IT!!!

You drag that tractor Lance, go on!!!!

[Lap 70]: and there’s the Perez & Sainz violence

*insults you in Spanish* *insults you back in Spanish* *pushes you off the track*

well at least Lewis’ P4 is safe, this friends is why we don’t get too high on hopium 

[Lap 72/Finish]: Verstappen wins, Russell P2, Charles P3

Lewis does indeed take P4.

LANCE P10!!!!

Seb P14 after his pen

Whew. Yeah. That was something. For some reason I fully expected the race to be dull but it actually wasn’t that bad. Yes It was a strategy race, but there was a tiny bit of racing, and both safety cars did act as a reset for the battle for the lead. And totally unrelated, but Jenson on comms was utterly superb.

7 front wings out of 10, next race: Monza!!

[finnyisanactualrayofsunshine]

For the gimme a character: Grell plz

Thank you!!

Give me a character and I will answer: grell edition

Why I like them: Honestly I don’t have a good clear answer for this. Like she’s funny and cute and entertaining and all that, but so are other characters I don’t like as much. I just generally like her? I enjoy seeing her scenes and every moment of her screen/manga time. I like her general personality, as well as her way of talking. Plus she has really interesting relationships with other characters like Ron, will, othello, Sebastian, Angelina, etc. Oh also she beat up seb and I enjoyed that so that’s cool. Anyways yeah she’s just an enjoyable character to watch.

Why I don’t: I guess I’m still kinda salty over the killing Angelina and all. That whole scene was really sad and since she was responsible it was kinda :/ but like, I’ve moved past that and don’t really hold it against her because I understand why and all, but that definitely would be a reason that I don’t like her as much.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I like the episode where she’s just gotten out of reaper court and is having the time of her life. It’s very cute. Also the episode where she comes to collect alois’s soul and fights with Hannah.

Favorite season/movie: BoC probably?

Favorite line: “guess who’s bACKKK?!! me” followed by screams of laughter

Favorite outfit: I like her everyday outfit with the red coat and all, plus her HEELS iconic shoe lady

OTP: I ship her with a bunch of people tbh. I like her with will, Ron, Angelina, I read a fic of her and Hannah and that was cute tbh I support them being moms together, yeah just like. Any of those.

Brotp: she and othello make a really cute brotp tbh

Head Canon: I think she died by slitting her wrists, as far as the little pictures from that scene go. She’s really into blood and red and all so. Yeah. That’s not like concrete evidence but still I get the vibe that that one was her.

Unpopular opinion: people shouldn’t tell people not to say she’s trans, because honestly there’s so little trans representation and having characters who are popular and well liked be coded as trans (y'all can argue about whether it’s canon or not because of Yana not outright saying it but I think we can all agree it’s pretty fucking obviously coded) is really important to them and means a lot, while I don’t think anyone’s headcanon that she’s cis is relevant, helping or comforting to anyone, providing rep to people who desperately want and need it, or anything. Like people are attacked and harassed and kicked out of their homes for being trans, if you’re one of the people that are like “why should grells gender even matter? Can people stop talking about it already?” I’m sorry but you really need to sit down and sort out your priorities. It’s not the character itself that matters, it’s what it means to real life people.

A wish: she is happy and loved. Also she beats up seb again (ideally to protect Ciel, idk why that would happen but it would be nice okay)

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: her dying would suck

5 words to best describe them: flamboyant. Emotional. Dramatic. High maintenance. Protective (I feel like she is for people she cares about, she’s very motherly)

My nickname for them: gremlin