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d4rling-st4rlet · 3 months ago

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i’ve grown sick of my own voice

the days pass and i grow more paranoid

i slowly seep away into the background noise

as i float endlessly through an expanding void

i pray for the ending

hoping it’ll be painless

because i’ve become bad at pretending

that i don’t know this bones are nameless

cause i’ve been the same since i was seventeen

and i know the crowd is getting tired of me

cause i’m nothing but a manic pixie dream

nothing worth to see

if i kill myself, will it make a sound?

will the bullet ripping through my skull leave a trace?

if no one’s around, will i even hit the ground?

there will be no empty space

they’ll sell my flesh by the pound

cause maybe i was someone this time last spring

but truth be told i haven’t been alive in a while

ill be the jester, you be the king

i will perform one last act with a smile

before everyone trades me in for a new style.

#original poetry

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d4rling-st4rlet · 3 months ago

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d4rling-st4rlet · 3 months ago

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d4rling-st4rlet · 6 months ago

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☆ lonely is the muse ☆

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d4rling-st4rlet · 6 months ago

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This is how I originally wrote it. One of those that starts as a poem and then begs to be a song. I posted a fragment of this on tumblr a while back, but here’s the initial piece in its entirety 🤍

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d4rling-st4rlet · 6 months ago

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Wednesday, August 7th, 2024 [Another Life]

Sometimes, missing you comes crashing down into me like waves. It is not a constant thing, not something that consumes my days, or destroys my soul. It is a feeling that creeps up in the back of my mind. The little voice in my head screaming "Aha! Look at what you can never have again", nagging at me until I can no longer stop myself from falling prey to nostalgia. Some days it catches me cold, takes over me and swallows me whole, sending me into a spiral of desperate sadness, leaving me paralyzed in my bed, praying the tide will turn over. Other days, and frankly, most of them now, I brush it off, reminding myself that this is the best thing that could've happened.

I've been getting better at it. At the start, I felt like I was trapped in a never ending cycle of remembering you. It was awful, every piece of my life had been overtaken by you. I would find you even in places you had never been, seeing the parts of you I loved the most sprawled all over, creating constellations in my mind that made my head spin. The ghost of you haunted me during every waking moment, standing at the very edge of my vision, determined to dampen my days.

Over time it wore off, slowly fading into nothingness, a thought that would sometimes cross my mind. And yet, there are moments where I find myself longing for you. I daydream about getting onstage and performing, screaming my lungs out until my body gives out, just to find you waiting for me side of stage, arms open and a smile that lights up the room. You'd kiss me and we'd walk away, leaving the eager crowd behind to get lost in our little piece of paradise. Sometimes, it comes when I'm lying restless at night, the feeling that my bed is too big, and too cold for me. I turn over and see you sleeping by my side, the way you looked for me even when you were not awake, reaching out and curling your body against mine. I find little things, trinkets, places, facts, that remind me of you, or that I think you'd find entertaining, only to be faced with the reality that I can never show you any of them. I find myself looking for you on the lips of the boys I've screwed lately, missing the feeling of your teeth sinking into my flesh, and the bruising they'd leave like a testament of adoration.

God knows it hasn't been easy. I've trained myself into a perfect machine, capable of taking these thoughts and twisting them into something entirely different. I fight back tooth and nail, to regain the control of my own damn mind. I've learnt my mantras, and keep them tucked with my heart up my sleeve in case I ever feel myself slipping down the rabbit hole. I keep myself busy, pouring my heart into the things that deserve it, trying to make something out of the broken bits that are still left right here. Still, sometimes I am too tired to fight back, to take control, and then the loneliness spreads across my chest, and I end up floating through the memories that cloud my judgement.

Last month, I spent an entire week dreaming of you. Every night wrapped up in a hazy cloud of love, consumed by the unwavering desire for a time before it all went up in flames. It was agonizing, waking up every morning to the reminder of that loss. But I told myself it was just a mishap, something had triggered my brain into revisiting those memories. Most nights the dreams were not even about you, you'd just happen to be there, in the right place, at the right time, looking at me like I was the greatest thing that ever happened to you. You smiled and something in my heart stopped, like it was the very first time I saw you all over again. On one particular night, I was standing in front of a light colored wooden door, I knocked on it and there you were, standing with your hair wet like you had just gotten out of the shower, no shirt, and some shorts, smiling with the smile I thought I'd never get to see again. You wrapped your arms around me and pulled me in close, my lungs filled with the scent of you and I was comforted by the familiar heat of your body. You took my hand and lead me inside, we collapsed on the bed and you brushed my hair out of my face, planting kisses all over it. You leaned in and whispered, your lips brushing softly against my ear. The words were etched into my brain, piercing through the armor I had so carefully crafted around my heart.

"I love you, always have and always will. I want you to be the mother of my children. Meet me again when we're 27."

Then you got up and left, disappearing into the next room over. I don't know if it was the way the words seemed so specific, and so calculated, but I woke up cold and shaky, feeling like the hole in my chest was wide open again, exposing all the things I had tried so hard to conceal. It was a cruel joke honestly, my own brain betraying me, bringing back to life something that has been dead for the past six months.

Most days, I don't miss you at all. I am perfectly happy and content with the way things have turned out. Mostly, I try to forget there was ever anything that between us. I pretend, letting it all, the good and the bad, fade away like it's part of another life. It's like a movie I watched half asleep once, coming back only in flashes I can't quite put together. Most days, I let the waves crash over me, and wash away all that was once ours.

#dreamcore #spilled words #journal entry #writing

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d4rling-st4rlet · 10 months ago

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