#scored an average of 161 in the raadsr
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Fuck. The biggest highs always have the hardest comedowns. This isn’t fucking worth it. Except it is. It has to be.
#the fucking socks on the table that broke the camels back#but honestly I don’t really have time to have another dish that broke the camel’s back crisis#vent#I’m standing outside trying to determine if I’m going to cry or not.a#and shit I already gave dad the money I want to exchange for a $50#so I’ll have to talk to him again#and it’s cold outside.#and I am. not dressed for it. but at least I have a hoodie or I wouldn’t be able to stand it at all#and then I’ll try to forget and move on#it’s my one fucking day off#and let’s be honest. I planned to masturbate the entire fucking day. and I didn’t. and I still did some stuff. and I get it the table is a m#a mess#but there are worse things in the world than a sock on the table#unless we’re all autistic and our rules just all conflict in the worst fucking ways bc that is a possibility (except I think he’s NT)#bc I melt down and shut down over stuff being where it shouldn’t too (prefaced by I don’t think I’m autistic. I just have sensory issues and#scored an average of 161 in the raadsr#but like. it makes sense for our family to have it.#I’m just. fucking upset now#and my sister (who tbh had Meltdowns before masking it really well) helps me when I shut down. but fuck#none of this is good none of this could’ve been as bad as it is if somebody went and got a diagnosis and we could’ve had support#except this fucking ableist society we live in sucks and just#and anxious and wanted to kill myself so badly what good would a diagnosis be if I wasn’t around#…I should go back inside and eat dinner#but still#a few socks on the table where we don’t even eat off of that part#yells my name ‘what now?’ the socks on the table. I just. walked out of the house. and honestly good for me.#bury me back to what we came from where I belong where we came from we belong we belong#if the back tire of the bike was inflated I’d probably be going for an ill advised ride rn tbh#but alas
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