#scizophrenic

[sugarloaf17]

I miss when I didn't have schizophrenia.

I recently got diagnosed with it after I had a psychotic break, about 2 years ago, and it's just gotten worse as time goes on.

I'm scared. Currently I don't have visual hallucinations, but I do hear voices arguing and yelling in my head sometimes, and the only thing that quiets them is music, so I'm always listening to something. Whether it's music, a podcast, or a youtube video. Something has gotta be in my ears or the arguing starts. And I'm not talking about headmates. There's a difference, and I can tell. Anyway, I'm scared one day I might develop visual hallucinations, I've seen things before, I've seen bugs crawling on me.

It's also very hard to have a normal job. I am extremely paranoid and I already had an anxiety and panic attack disorder before the schizophrenia diagnosis. I can only work part time due to my other neurodivergencies (autism, anxiety), but now sometimes I can't even go in to work because I'm terrified of my supervisors and i end up having panic attacks. I know nothing will happen, logically, but my brain is paranoid.

Before schizophrenia, I was on a path to success in my life, I was in college handling classes fairly well despite my autism and anxiety, I could handle my job at the same time. Now I could never do both at the same time.

And I'm not saying "omg schizophrenia ruins peoples lives" but it sure does feel like it's ruining mine.

[pokotho]

rb for more votes?

[labourofego]

day # 4 = under-appreciated oc

this is Easy. this is a drawing i did of him specifically for today because the last time i properly drew him was may and have barely thought about him since then. he has several tattoos: s-e-l-f h-a-r-m knuckle tattoos, "addict" across the top of his ribs, "carpe diem" over his collarbones, "CR95" on the back of his right upper arm, & "if i was that kind of guy" on his lower back. i'll probably add more on his arms and legs as i draw him more. he also has other distinctive features, like track marks and acne and scabs on his arms from picking them. i'll give you a rundown of his story so far (which ended up being really long) under the cut. trigger warning, drug use is a big part of his story. it's pretty heavy in general. involves death and stuff. sorry for being edgy it will happen again.....

easy was born in slovakia in ~1979, and is of vaguely romani descent (not that he knows that). he grew up with two younger siblings, a sister and a brother, charlie. in later life he realized it was possible he wasn't his father's biological child at all, but tries not to think too hard about that. his father disappeared (presumed dead) when he was seven, and he wasn't very present before that. he was a heavy drinker and gambler, usually working or drinking or gambling instead of being home with the family. apart from this, he also experienced scizophrenic episodes, which never occurred in front of easy or his siblings. his disappearance didn't really bother easy, although his mother was barely consolable for a time. local law enforcement wrote this event off as a schizophrenic episode that ended in some ditch somewhere and left it at that. when he was fifteen, easy began to have access to drugs like marijuana and made good use of this access. in contrast with this, his brother charlie was the golden child of the family, doing far better in school than easy ever did (a slacker since childhood) and generally very bright with an interest in journalism. he was also very emotionally intelligent and privately had many thoughts about his father's disappearance. only a year after the start of easy's regular drug use, charlie died in a violent mugging (or something... haven't really decided... but either way he dies) & easy, after ruminating for a while, decides it's really in his best interest to leave the country to escape the circumstances of his birth. in ~1995, in a change of character, seemingly sobered by his brother's death, easy gets his first job. he works for several years, disappearing into music as an escape - he finds his crowd in a circle of punk rockers and starts to adopt the style alongside his lifelong love of hiphop. he works until he's twenty it's only at this time that he has accumulated enough savings to leave and comfortable set up a life elsewhere - it only takes so long because he keeps on dipping into his savings in increasing amounts to cover his drug habit, graduating from pot to whatever the punks are selling. he moves to (place where the story is set- haven't decided between the USA or Nz ... perhaps some sort of fictional hybrid of the two), and sheds his punk aesthetic in order to seem more inconspicuous (or so he tells himself - he mostly gets bored of it and can't be bothered when he has better things to fill his time than sewing patches and ripping his fingers apart mucking around with pyramid studs - like doing drugs). it takes him a while, but in 2001 (at age 22) he finally finds a crowd to run with that isn't just junkies. he starts to attend some live shows of local punk bands in attempt to re-connect with his roots, and finds not only a mentor in one of the guys who run the local scene (one Ehren) but also a group of rag-tag kids (jesse, grant, rascal & elis) who take a liking to him as a mentor figure. this is where he finds a sense of responsibility for others, repurposing his guilt over charlie's death as a positive force for these kids.

bonus : when tyler dies from shooting up anthrax-contaminated meth in 03, easy's guilt returns with a fervor, like it's choking him. he recedes into himself and stays on an indefinite bender just hoping he'll come into contact with the same contaminated product that killed tyler just so he doesn't have to think anymore.

[marshmallow--shark]

Oh, I love my girlfriend so much. It feels like nicotine everytime we get to have a date together. And what we did on this date, I shall tell you! I showed her Voyager and Ds9 characters and had her nickname them and give first impressions. And now I share her wonderful insights with you lot:

Janeway: Mama Maria, a renowened chef who owns a cooking brand of butter where the bottle is shaped like herself. Became a Star Trek to promote her brand.

Chakotay: Joey-David Hasselhoff, lost his legs in the great star wars as is now very short. Became a Star Trek to pay off his outstanding gambling debts. The marking on his face is a barcode to immediately kill him if he tries to escape.

Kes: Mama Maria's evil twin, not a true Star Trek and just has the visitor's pass. Has the power to return everything to its base components. She is always under attack so she wears an indestructible vest.

Doctor: Uncle Steve, do not trust around children. The blue is a warning and he's very bitter about it. Pretends he's a genius but he's very stupid. He has an ankle bracelet which keeps him from leaving the ship which he bothers everyone about.

Neelix: A criminal mastermind tattoo artist that destroyed his homeworld with a tattoo machine, not a true Star Trek but came along to be amused. Talks like a gangster. I.. don't remember the name she gave him..

Tuvok: Great Value Spock, bought at the store on a discount during a clearance Vulcan sale and they needed a Vulcan to complete their ship. His eyebrows are drawn on.

Paris: Milk toast, the whitest white to ever white. He goes to space church which he himself built and his favourite food is white bread. Just a guy, he has no reason to be here.

Torres: Laquisha, a plant that knows absolutely everything. Does not like Uncle Steve. Goes to space church but because she knows its fake, and the world is actually on a cracker with hummus that will eventually be eaten by the one true space god.

Kim: Mark, a part timer that's just there. He does a bit of everything but he isn't actually good at anything. A temporary Star Trek but eventually he'll quit and follow his dreams to go to space college.

Sisko: Carl, owns a vintage George Foreman grill and makes space hotdogs for everyone on Hotdog Friday. Uses his baldness as a weapon to blind his enemies.

Kira: Karen, a typical Karen who is rude to everyone around her. Complains about being on Ds9 but doesn't do anything about it. Hosts a radio show to sell her trademark cement purses, which she always carries around at all times.

Bashir: Dominic (named by the two of us), participated in the space sex offender shuffle. He is very creepy and no one likes him, don't trust around anyone. No one can stop him. Probably really into bondage.

Odo: Gorp, created by the Kardashians to be a clone but made wrong. Banished for being a failure of a clone. He has no feeling in his left hand and cannot feel pain. His ears are glued on.

Dax: Monica, a furry that believes she is a leopard. Also a sex offender but they forgive her because she's so good at her job. If you see her walking around in a fursuit, let her be. Do not anger her because there will be no escape. Sells pancakes alongside Mama Maria and they are dating.

O'Brien: Loppy, it's his first day! He's so happy to be here, he's having a grand old time. It's always his first day as he is actually a mind parasite that makes everyone believe it is his first day and they will never know how long he's actually been there. Never.

Dukat: Zorath/Zorag (We both forgot it so it changes to something else with a z) -Melty Candle Face, an obsessive yandere Klingon that's very mentally unstable. He was first in love with Dominic until he found he could not be trusted. He targeted Loppy next because its his first day. Currently dating someone else, but it's undetermined who it is.

Garak: From the Shining Jack Nicholson, a scizophrenic who causes problems for everyone. His daily hobby is crawling through the vents and he can show up anywhere at anytime. He is an unpredictable menace that likes to scare the ship.

Mirror Kira: Ds9, the ship itself embodied as a half robot. Abuses her power to sleep with everyone on the station. What happens to the ship happens to her and forces everyone to protect her under the threat of death. She will not hesitate to throw you out of the airlock if you disobey her.

[loiswasadevil]

Look lets set some things straight. I am not scizophrenic I have a Devils Heart and it has nothing to do with  the videogame Tekken. My account has been gaining a lot of traction and i am grateful but I am not delusional and stop comparing the hatred of her family to a Videogame Character Its ok because she’s beautiful but Not the man from Tekken with a devils heart too Its not the same kind of Devils heart AND its not like chainsaw man at all. I have noone to back me up anymore I want to talk to brian more But he’s never online and I understand meg is Busy I just hope Peter is watching me from heaven Sending me diving guidance. Fuck its just stressful because all i want is followers and to unite the family guy fans of Tumblr but everyone just hates on me for the fun of it and sends me hate about Family Guy. Don’t tag my posts with trigger warning or content warning family guy. There is nothing triggering about Family guy and it if its to you Grow up. This it the real world and Family guy has its own trigger warning at the start so if you know what it is you should be well and prepared to react to family guy Because it s not Triggering and its its just Adult content By seth macfarlane anyways.I am stressed and my heart grows tired. It is 12 in the morning. All i can hear is the banging on the walls beneath me. The power keeps going out and on and out and I only have one bar of data So my show keeps buffering but i get notifications of Haters telling me im delusional and need to see a Doctor but i refuse to a doctor anyways I have never needed traditonal medicine. I��m tired of the haters I love getting asks but The hate is never ending And they bring up painful kin memories such as Patrick Pewterschmidt My long Lost Brother.

[leos-soggy-wolf-nuts]

A guy with an past of drug abuse who struggles with god knows how many mental illnesses and his boyfriend who thinks scizophrenic halluzinations are a psychic ability go gohst hunting in furry silent hill. What could go wrong?

its interesting how the realization that he is psychic changed their whole attitude. before, cam was reluctant about echo, and dev was excited. now dev wants to gtfo and cam wants to stay

[milkybleachtea]

oh, ur worried im gonna find ur mental illness scary? some of my closest friends are scizophrenic, have did and are diagnosed psychopaths. i have bpd. i spend so much time on edblr. u wont scare me away, ur mental illness is docile in comparison to what im used to.

[lameassdumbass]

This is actively detrimental to people and society and is completely unreasonable as a stopping point.

No, there are some limits to when it's okay to take away someone's autonomy. This is when they are a danger to themselves or others.

The debate is not that there is no limit, the debate is what should be considered self harm or dangerous.

Is obesity dangerous? To the person who has it, yes. Is it determemtal enough to life and happiness to be policed? No!

Is scizophrenia dangerous? To the person who has it, yes. Is it determental to be policed? Yes! Yes it is! Do you know anything about what a scizophrenic person deals with?!

Do you have any concept of a *better* like? More wellbeing? Higher happiness? These are obtainable, get someone to help you touch grass if you need support holy shit.

some of yall need to understand that "my body, my choice" also applies to:

addicts in active addiction with no intention of quitting

phys disabled people who deny medical treatment

neurodivergent people who deny psychiatric treatment (yes, including schizophrenic people and people with personality disorders)

trans people who want or don't want to medically transition (yes, including trans masc lesbians with top surgery and trans women without bottom surgery, yall are so weird to them wtf)

and if you can't understand that, then you don't get to use the phrase

[lemonclock]

why do people lack such basic respect for people who experience psychosis/are scizophrenic oh my god

[thepolterheist]

and you got scizophrenics thinking people are talking about them behind their back. they think people are plotting. people are coming for them. and they leave the room and their friends and family they say see the bitch is fuckin crazy. well we’ll find somewhere to send her soon enough.

[sugarloaf17]

We aren't super into a bunch of disability areas on social media so feel free to ignore me if I'm just repeating what's already been said.

But anyway I feel like I'm not taken seriously when I tell people (even family who lives with me every day and sees my disabilities in action) that I can't do certain things.

They always call me lazy when I try to explain the reasons why I didn't go to college classes one day, or I couldn't make it through my work shift. They tell me that if I just didn't work myself up, I wouldn't have panic attacks. They tell me that if I just got out of bed and went outside that I wouldn't have depression.

We had a psychotic breakdown during lockdown, which caused our schizophrenia to manifest, and it is still causing issues for us every day. We cannot do the things we used to be able to do, and it really sucks. But also, I wish people would recognize that we aren't the same, and stop telling us to try harder.

When you have a psychotic break and schizophrenia manifests, your brain creates a new mental threshold, a baseline of things you can and can't do, can and can't handle, etc. Our baseline is so much lower than what we could previously do, and it really messes with us. Every day we wonder what is wrong with us, why we can't do the same things, how we are going to survive and support ourself in this world. There's a chance I may never be able to support myself or move out or medically transition (ftm). And that really sucks to come to terms with.

But instead of having people understand and help us accommodate this new reality we are faced with people who are saying "if you just try harder, you'll be able to support yourself."

Sometimes you can't "try harder."

We decided to go back to college this semester in an attempt to finish school and get our degree so we could actually support ourself. It has been hell. We cannot keep up with the pace that assignments are due, we are not absorbing knowledge like we used to, and we are failing. All of that being said, we aren't failing because we haven't been trying, we are failing because of our mental condition.

This was longer than I meant it to be but anyway, peace and love, you guys. If you have one, tell your local schizophrenic you love them.

[captaiinobvious]

youd have to be stupid to compare tagging things unreality to goofy shit like this. have some respect for psychotic people man. YOU try being a paranoid scizophrenic when there are popular memes like "im living in your walls" and goncharov going around

beautiful minded posters have always been under attack by the general public. first they called it "nightblogging," then it was the "and now the weather" phase, then the clinical and pathologizing "unreality tw." now theyre getting more creative, but "check your carbon monoxide detector" still has the distinct flavor of "op must have been HIGH to make this post"

[jeintalu]

Netanyahu Seems to be a Scizophrenic

"The attack on the Jewish state is the biggest hypocrisy and decadence in human history against a people who rose from the ashes of the Holocaust Genocide."

"The State of Israel and its security services are fighting a just war against Neo-Nazis."

"No one will prevent us from fighting until victory in Gaza, whether The Hague or the Axis of Evil."

"What happened on October 7 will never be repeated, and this is our commitment."

"The supporters of the new Nazis dare to accuse us of genocide - they support murderers, rapists, first-borns and baby-burners. No one will stop us - not The Hague and not the axis of evil. The hypocritical attack on The Hague is a new moral low."

"We are on the path to victory, and we will not stop before that, and we will not give up a clear victory."

The supporters of the new Nazis dare to accuse us of genocide...

[bpdrug-addict]

genuienly scared that o, scizophrenic and my cognitive, negative, AND positive symtpoms have all been getting worse. like it just feels like itll never go away at this point but my brain just doesnt feel like it works the way it used to. i feel my cognition declining idk

[chuuyanaurkahara]

Im gonna talk with azzie as a scizophrenic oc of mine, ight?

ok

[the-grey-hunt]

putting my thoughts under a second spoiler-free readmore:

i will start by saying that I do know people who liked gideon and were very put off by harrow. as much as GtN focused on gideon, HtN focuses on harrow, and despite being products of the same environment they're very different people who are rendered in different ways, care about different things, and see the world with different emphasis.

harrow the ninth is also a book where many readers discover that the author has written harrow to be scizophrenic, and the uncertainty of reality as harrow percieves it is offputting for a lot of people who don't "get" it or who are expecting/used to gideon's solidity.

however, i really enjoyed harrow, and i think it holds many of the same charms as book one. i think a lot of your worries, as much as I can say without spoilers, do not necessarily come true, but not in any way you might expect.

i can really only recommend harrow the ninth by saying that this:

Because I want to enjoy whatever Gideon the Ninth had, because I don't think the series will ever go back to that. I feel like from now on, it will be a fundamentally different story.

is exactly the attitude harrow starts HtN with.

Question for those of you who have finished Gideon the Ninth and have read Harrow the Ninth and perhaps even Nona.

So as many of you may have guessed, I finished the first book a while ago. My reaction to the entire ending went something like this:

So as one may guess, I have mixed feelings.

They're not a mix of good and bad. They're a mix of Good and Complicated Good.

I legitimately think it was a great ending... but I am also struggling to reconcile what appears to be the death of one of my favorite characters.

On the one hand, I don't want to simply throw my toys off the table and yell 'I WANT MORE HARROW AND GIDEON DANGIT, LOCK ME IN THEIR HATE-LOVE PURGATORY FOREVER'. On the contrary, I love the idea that we get to see Harrow's side of things. I am fully aware that the world has not even been explored fractionally, and I want to understand more of it.

On the other hand........... I have very few things to care about anymore. I care about Harrow, this is true. But the rest of the characters I had an attachment to (Palamedes, Camilla, etc) are all kinda. Dead.

I want to read Harrow the Ninth and consume its entire carcass, meat bone and all, almost as much as I want to push it away and hold off on starting it as much as possible. Because I want to enjoy whatever Gideon the Ninth had, because I don't think the series will ever go back to that. I feel like from now on, it will be a fundamentally different story. And that's not.... bad! I think I will enjoy that new story.

But I feel like clinging to the tiny bubble of Gideon the Ninth because the beyond of it all feels as unknowable and as incomprehensible as death. And that naturally kinda repels me.

So I ask you, fellow readers - are my worries justified? Did you share them?

I don't want spoilers. I don't want summaries. I just want to know:

Does the story's soul fundamentally change here? Or is the soup still the same, even if the ingredients have been a little blended in the great mixer of plot?