yob ♤ 22 ♤ they•he ♤ agender polyam faggot ♤ theistic satanist ♤ BPD; c-ptsd, MDD, Anxiety, AUD, polysubstance addiction, dermatillomania, aspd, OCD, ED, schizoaffective ♤ clean from benadryl: 8/22/21 ♡ i block anyone with their weight goals in bio, im trying to recover from my EDs ♡ tw: this is a dumping ground for any thought I have that can be tied to my mental illness :) enjoy
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I just need to listen to anti drug songs on repeat to kick this shit
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DSM must stand for dick sucking manual the way they fucking around with my head
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well the IRS cant give me my w2 either. and they can only send a transcript to my old address. lost sm money bc of my last job dude
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I fuck heavy with people who respect my religion and ask me questions about it and don't think im just trying to be edgy. being the only theistic satanist in p much all my friends lives is interesting. most people dont ask me about it and assume its leviathan Satanism. which I have a problem with but dont feel like defending my religion after the way other people have disrespected me because of it. I remember my ex fiance asking why I didn't just choose to be atheist. because atheism will not and did not save me. Satan saved me when I overdosed and didn't know what else to do. Satan guides me when I ask for it. when I need it. when I was Christian I prayed to God and he left me alone to rot. I gave myself to Satan when I was 16 and I've only grown into a truer version of myself since. God and nonreligion did not do that for me. I dont talk about my beliefs or practices much but they mean the world to me. when I have absolutely nowhere else to go, He is there for me. He holds me tenderly and encourages me to go on. Tells me im a person without my vices and with them. grants me unwavering grace and has never punished me simply for existing. Under God's cruel hand I suffered. When I turned to his opposite, I was greeted with warmth and love. a kind of parental figure to those lacking one. He is all I have even when im stripped of my personhood. even when all failsafes dont work, he urges me to go on. he tells me I am worth it, that I am worth loving and that I have value even without people losing me first.
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bought a g but got a half. gonna talk to my partner when their friend leaves i did not just pay $80 for 5 lines
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took a 20mg XR adderall this morning then drank a 12 pack and ended up buying a $60 cannister of blueberry watermelon whippets. talked to the convience store man abt quitting cocaine. then picked up a gram and sobered up and played 10000 with my roommate and made plans to hang with some dude named Rodger. texted a bunch of ppl abt wanting to get sober from coke while on it. idk where im headed but I hope its in the right direction
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u said u wouldn't practice bdsm with me anymore bc id been sexually abused too much
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TW: r*pe, csa, inc*st
lmao i haven't told anyone abt this but im p sure I was r*ped in the psyche ward by the head doctor when I was a teen. cuz I woke up every night there having pissed the bed. and that only happened to me while I was being assaulted by my dad at home. and speaking of that im p sure my dad r*ped me in my sleep too when I was a kid. Just all the memories and pieces are falling into place where it p much looks like that's my reality.
#realizing a lot of things i thought were dreams#i think i was just getting assaulted while unconscious#bc i remember waking up to him being above me while i was completely naked and sweating
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still mad abt that person that said I "think people can be addicted to dph". bitch I was overdosing on dph everyday for a year and wouldn't stop even tho it was giving me seizures and put me in a psychosis where I thought I was dead amongst the living plane. its like DXM man, u CAN get addicted tho its not super common or likely. most people aren't addicted to PCP even tho it is addictive so. drug addicts that think there is a hierarchy dont matter to me. no one is better or more addicted than someone else based off DOC. im tired of it being a "whose life is worse" competition within the addict community. especially as a polysubstance addict I dont care for the whole pity party addicts try to throw for themselves. unlike some people I consider us a COMMUNITY and not foes who I must battle with over whose addiction is worse. either way none of us want to be addicts why are we trying to prove ourselves especially to other people like us!!! save that shit for the nonaddicts bro
#the infighting in the addict community is insane#it makes sense bc were all fucked but like#cmon dude you as an addict are trying to prove urself to OTHER ADDICTS#we can both exist man
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googled it n in conclusion: Testosterone and cocaine is toxic for the heart AND i already have heart problems
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lmao im tired of tops who dont let me top them complaining abt no one topping them
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dont know if I have bipolar I psychotic features or schizoaffective bipolar type. either way ik i have BPD. either way they're pretty similar so what do I care what drs think
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and when the beat drops I wanna see you pull. that. TRIGGER!!!!!!!
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