#scared to post this bc vulnerability plus i feel like it reads like an 'and everybody clapped' post but i promise u it was just me

[tigerr-cherry]

HELLO WAITER WAITER SOME CREAM RAMBLE AND ART PLEASE

Evil and fucked up i didn't see the post for fit suggestion

May i suggest something along these lines

I have 0 idea what style Cream would b about so yeahg

Cherry Im shaking yiuy

EVIL AND FUCKED UP INDEED !

Jfgjdsg sorry I took so long 2 answers. I wasn't sure how much info I should spill, so I rewrote this like 6 times. each time a different part of the story lol

¡ info dump !

So! First thing about Cream is that they're a demon! Well, technically part demon. Cream comes from a long family history of demon blood. On their mother's side, it's rumored that the family made a deal with the devil for power and riches but for whatever reason they never uphold the deal and was cursed with supernatural ability that will never give them peace. Basically, they're kinda like mediums.

On their father's, rumored to blessed with the blood of angels. Noble and holy people who lead with strength and wisdom. They’re basically like royalty. But plot twist! Both sides of the family r from demons ! A lot happens (trauma) in their childhood and early life, but I won't get to that

Where the story starts is when Cream is being dragged up from 'hell' after just successfully taking over the throne . She was just betrayed by one of their allies, which she had suspected but underestimated how hard they were gonna hit. Being dragged up to the moral realm means death to demons, but since Cream is part human, it won't kill her because she has a physical form.

Anyways, where Cream was pulled up from was in Judith's late grandma's backyard, who watched the whole thing. Obviously scared shitless she starts freaking out.

Cream needs energy to get back to 'hell' so they take control of the situation and convince judith that they're just an injured poor soul that just wants to go home :(

Judith unfortunately believes them bc she understand how it feels. Cream can easily read Judith right off the bat. Judith is deeply insecure, low self-esteem, and just wants to belong, plus ! She's grieving over her presume to be dead grandma. Cream takes advantage of her vulnerability and tells judith whatever she wanna hear to slowly consume her energy (which will eventually kill her). Girl falls in love with them bc who wouldn't?

This is the part of the story where I'm deciding how cruel Cream will be for her own desires . Is this all just an act to get what they want and secretly actually care about Judith in their weird way? Or does cream simple not gaf ?

Uhhh fun facts!

• Cream goes by they/she/it . No longer really sees themselves as a person more of a thing. No labels on sexuality bc Cream will go for anyone they think is fun

• Cream has Anophthalmia, which is when the eye is didn’t develop . They also happen to get a scar over that eye in a bar fight lol

• favorite bands are MARINA and Studio Killers

• dosen't like wearing clothes lmao they kinda feel like they're above that so Judith has to convince them to wear at least a shirt. It's a good day if she can get Cream to wear a dress at least

• hasn't been it the mortal realm since the 16th century, so it has been a difficult adjustment for them

• when the story takes place, Cream unknowingly has a great (x20) granddaughter roaming around. It doesn't have any importance to the story, tho

•Cream isn't its real name

Here's some songs that fit w the characters' theme/ vibe

•how Cream sees itself

•how Cream sees their relationship with Judith

• how Judith sees Cream

•basically a general view of their relationship

Uhh art next ! Sorry

Old art I have of cream back when they were an Arcana oc. Oh, how much they've changed 🤧(this is from I was like 17-18. I had a LOT more, but I've lost a major of it)

[darlington-v]

not to be vulnerable on the internet, but i saw that post detailing about how wilbur's growth, not just in viewers but in terms of his albums and how miwb and ycgma were dark and heavy and like the feelings they speak on are numbing and like... getting sad to the point of just exhaustion i would say. however,the lovejoy are you alright EP, which is music he's made with other people, is exhilirating and it makes you want to get up and scream and dance and it makes you feel alive.

and like... YEAH!! yeah. like, from my own personal experience, yes to the fifth degree. there's songs on ycgma and are you alright that i literally i turn the car up and i like ABANDON all hope of singing and just SCREAM to. like it's NOT singing dude i am just fucking SCREAMING. i turn my volume ALL the way up and i just SCREAM. and theyre both under different contexts, but both like... ring true and so appropriate for both albums. ycgma and miwb are albums that i just let out this cathartic set of emotions to, and are you alright is music i play when i have hope for the future and i want to get out and i want to go see people.

like, two weeks ago, i drove myself (for the first time!!! :]) to visit some extended family at their lake house an hour and a half away because it'd been like 3 years since i seen them and i remember enjoying time around them and feeling like i was able to be myself around them.

however nostalgia is a powerful thing because i got there and i felt really trapped by like... weird perceptions of me and these weird internalized rules i had of not making any mistakes or dropping things or being clumsy or being weird or being quiet. i felt like i couldnt actually be myself and i felt like a child and i had no where to go to cry so i just had this accumulation of stress over the weekend.

and so when i got ready to leave, and i got into my car, i felt a weird sense of like... agency come back to me and i was going to listen to the magnus archives, because thats what i listened to on the way there, but i knew it i needed this like. giant release. SO I PUT ON YCGMA. AND I SCREAMED.

i literally just screamed the entire fucking album going back to the interstate. like i pulled out of the driveway, turned my volume all the way up, and screamed. i needed something to be angry to and scream WITH, and tma was... not that. like i just wanted to be sad and pissed off and let myself get all this built up energy OUT. eventually, by im sorry boris i was really just crying and frustrated but it was a good amount of release by then and it was nice. (unfortunately i got lost and stressed out more, but my point still stands: good source of catharsis)

HOWEVER??? ONCE I GOT BACK TO MY HOME COUNTY? I PLAYED ARE YOU ALRIGHT. BECAUSE I FELT A LOT BETTER, A LOT MORE COMFORTABLE, AND I WANTED TO COME HOME AND TALK TO MY FRIENDS!!

and i turned it up and i screamed that too!!! except i was excited!!! and i had hope and i wanted to talk to my friends!!! i literally like... was super fucking happy and i was like GOD... THE RELIEF I FELT ONCE I GOT BACK HOME AND PLAYED LOVEJOY. MAN. LIKE TOTAL 180. like i felt confident and not bad and definitely not like a child BC I FELT REALLY INFANTILIZED OVER THE WEEKEND AND ARE YOU ALRIGHT MADE ME FEEL VERY SMUG AND CONFIDENT AND IT WAS NICE!!!!!!!

it's nice and op was right!!! like not only through just the contents and tone of the music itself, it's just like. YEAH. LIKE YEAH YCGMA AND MIWB R THE CARTHARSIS ALBUMS TO AND ARE YOU ALRIGHT IS THE OH MY GOD NOT EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE THINGS DO GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vilslover]

*ੈ✩‧₊˚Childe x harbinger!reader PT3

CW: angst, reader gets hurt, description of violence. also there are pretty clear Timeskips like the other 2 parts

Characters: Childe

Childe has been in Liyue for months and you felt miserable. None of your feelings for him faded within that time which sucks because falling in love with coworkers sucks. You missed him. You missed him coming to your house and visiting you. You missed his stupid smile and his stupid comments. But you couldn’t think about that now, you had work to do.

You hit the ground, hard. Everything was blurred from tears of pain and from the force. You thought fighting treasure hoarders would help you stay sane but this time was different. You slipped up. You where off your game completely. You try to get up, arms shaking. Before you could get up a treasure hoarder gave you a swift kick to the back to knock you back down. You just lay there. You where doubting yourself. Maybe you weren’t good enough for this job. You definitely weren’t good enough for him.

You zone out, half because of the hitting your head and half from the bleeding. What snapped you out of it was the sound of treasure hoarders dropping. You where confused until you saw a familiar face. The eleventh fatui harbinger Childe. “You’re gonna be ok. Just-”

His voice blurs as you finally get out of the state of shock you where in and succumb to the tiredness that crept in. 

You wake up in your house, sore as hell. You where in your room??? Last thing you remember is laying in that treasure hoarder base. How did you get here? You have so many questions. You sat up, setting your feet on the floor and got up. That hurt more then you thought it would.

Before you could take another step Childe ran in and put you back down on the bed. “You can’t get up you’re hurt!”

You stare at him. You couldn’t do anything but do that. He wasn’t supposed to get back for at least another month but he’s sitting in front of you with a worried expression on your face. “Childe?”

“Oh good you don’t have a concussion.” He sighs in relief and sits next to you. “You scared me back there princess.”

“I scared me too.” You say simply. You felt incredibly ashamed a fellow harbringer saw you in that state. You would’ve rather have died then this.

“Well youll be ok now, I will take excellent care of you!” He gave you a hopeful smile. You couldn’t help but hug him. Very aggressively.

“I missed you so much never leave again.” Was all you said holding onto him.

“I missed you too princess.” He wraps his arms around you and just holds you. You where both more vulnerable right now then you’d like to admit.

You let go a few minutes later. “You should go. Dont you have to take care of your siblings?”

“Not right now. Plus either way I’d rather be here making sure you’re ok.”

“Well I don’t know how fun this will be because I really want to sleep.” You say as you lay back down on the bed.

“That’s ok! We can both take a nap.” He unexpectedly lays down next to you. Wrapping an arm around you causing the butterflies to fly again.

“Alright then..” you close your eyes. Quickly falling asleep.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

I didn’t proof read this or anything bc I’m just kinda rushing to post smth :( I’m sorry Ive been so so busy I hope you all enjoy anyways!

[kaitosimp]

As a filthy, filthy multi shipper I’d like to know both headcannons you have for all his pairings and why you like them so much, if you want to of course!

As soon as I read this, my mind started ranting so hard 😂 I will happily answer! And tysm for asking bc if being able to talk about kaito is rare, imagine how much ive talked about the ships i have with him, so im very happy rn!! 🥰 WARNING: dis gonna be long as hell 👁👄👁

OKAY SO the two main ships I have for Kaito are Oumota and Saimota, Saimota is my fave ship and Oumota is my fave comfort ship! The other ships I rlly like with him are Akamota, Amamota, and Momoharu, i pretty much read any fic that has him paired with someone but these are the ones i search for on my own whereas the others its a "i'll read 'em if i come across em" type of deal! So lets dive in 👁👄👁 (i have endless hc's for my ships so i'll only give a few or else this'll never end)

🌌🎭 Oumota 🎭🌌

Reasons: I am a goddamn sucker for thematic parallels, enemies to friends to lovers, and the rivals tropes 🌚 I dont even know how i fell into the oumota hole, cause i didnt consider it much in game, but after reading a few fics it just made me so happy! I love their banter and clashing personalities and stubborness lol, and goddamn, the post game/hangar fics for them are *chef's kiss*

Hc's:

-The way Kokichi tried to get Kaito to see he had feelings for him was by bothering/pranking the absolute shit out of him, but Kaito's dense to these things so he didnt even realize Kokichi stopped bothering other ppl to target him specifically

-When Kaito realized he had feelings for Kokichi, his initial reaction was "oh fuck oh no why him pls no-"

-Eventually Kokichi had to directly tell him to his face he liked Kaito cause Kaito wasn't getting the message at all

-Kokichi loves stealing Kaito's clothes, esp his jacket

-They argue a lot but its over the absolute dumbest shit like before they got together, its usually nothing serious

-Kokichi secretly loves listening to Kaito talk about space, though he teases Kaito about it

-Kaito's fave thing is to cuddle/spoon Kokichi, cause he's the perf size to snuggle with

🌌🔍 Saimota 🔍🌌

Reasons: CAUSE YES!!! From the beggining of Shuichi being the main, Kaito is there for him and supports him so much and makes sure Shuichi is okay, he's just so supportive and loving and helpful and motivational and he's something Shuichi def needed to move forward in the killing game! I just fucking love their dynamic and how they help each other and how they balance each other out as well, plus the whole hero and sidekick thing is adorable! AND OFC THE FAMOUS "i shouldnt be talking about another boy like that" LINE ASDFGHJKL ITS CANON OKAY

Hc's:

-Shuichi confessed first, it took a few times for him to get his feelings across properly bc each time he said something like "i like you" or whatev kaito was like "aw bro i like you too!"

-Kaito tried to get over his crush on Shuichi bc he thought Shuichi wouldn't go for someone like him (i hc him being kinda insecure and covering it up with that confident persona of his)

-Shuichi isn't big on physical contact, but he makes the exception for Kaito bc he's always so warm and gives the best hugs

-Shuichi is the only person who Kaito lets see him vulnerable, it took a lot of time but he eventually learned to stop bottling everything with Shuichi

-Kaito constantly takes Shuichi stargazing, its his fave thing to do and Shuichi is ever so happy to accompany Kaito and listen to space rambles

-Their first kiss was beyond awkward and Shuichi nearly fainted but they got the hang of it eventually

🌌🥑 Amamota 🥑🌌

Reasons: I literally saw an amamota fic on ao3 and it won me over oops- to me it just makes sense! They're both adventurers in a way and i love their personalities together, Kaito's boisterous nature would be a nice change of pace for the ever calm Rantaro and Rantaro's mellow nature would be something refreshing for Kaito y'know?

Hc's:

-Kaito always tried helping Rantaro catch up in classes bc he always misses 'em to travel and he was always the first one to welcome him back

-Rantaro got attached to Kaito and didnt even realize it until he came back one day and kaito wasnt there to greet him (cue disappointed rantaro and bAM thats when he realized)

-Kaito loves hearing about Rantaro's travels, he's always asking for pics and details

-Kaito confessed first, he literally couldn't take it anymore and just threw it out there while Rantaro was mid greeting

-Rantaro didn't tell Kaito about his sisters until about a year into their relationship bc he was scared Kaito would disappear too

-Rantaro literally re-visited a bunch of islands and countries in the artic circle just to take pics/vids of the aurora borealis for Kaito

🌌🎹 Akamota 🎹🌌

Reason: I just think they'd be sooo cute together 🥺 Kaito and Kaede are both positive people who try to help others and their personalities fit so well together! Idk man it just makes sense to me

Hc's:

-Kaito absolutely loves hearing Kaede play the piano, sometimes he'll sneak record her so he can listen to it whenever he's feeling down

-Kaede tries teaching him how to play the piano, instruments aren't his thing but he tries his best in the lessons cause it makes her happy

-Kaito's confession was accidental, he was just listening to her play when he blurted out how pretty she was, which led to an awkward confession talk with lots of blushing

-Kaede has tried to compose a piano piece that embodies Kaito's personality but she fails everytime, cause his larger than life personality is hard to capture perfectly

-They're both big on affection, so they're constantly holding hands and hugging

AND FINALLY, 🌌🔪 Momoharu 🔪🌌

Reason: THEY'RE GREAT TOGETHER OKAY 🥺 I just love how Kaito got Maki to come out of her shell and how he trusted her/accepted her!! He gave her the cutest nickname and befriended her and literally gave his life up to protect her, aND MAKI'S CONFESSION ABOUT FALLING FOR KAITO STILL MAKES ME CRY

Hc's:

-Maki confessed it ever so casually while mid training, which literally made Kaito fall over in shock

-Kaito loves Maki's hair, he could spend hours playing with it and he always helps her brush it

-Maki hates her scars, but Kaito's always there to kiss em and remind her how beautiful she is, he always traces constellations on 'em when they cuddle

-Maki's constantly scared she'll accidentally hurt Kaito, or that he'll get hurt bc of her past

-Kaito's very protective of her, just like Maki is of him

-Maki loves the sound of Kaito's voice, her favorite thing is to listen to him talk about space

W O W i am so sorry for this massive post 💀 I seriously tried limiting myself asdfghjkl oops

[embrassemoi]

(1/8) *inhales* *starts screaming like a howler* IT'S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING! Honestly, you have no idea after how many times I checked tumblr after your sbtmas update post. I don't even know where to begin. Probably I should start with moony, right! When he took her flying and asked her to let go of her hands, it kind of reminded me of *that* scene from titanic but with stars and actual flying (sorry jack dawson but remus lupin is and always will be superior). It was just so, so

*inhales too and starts screaming back* HOLY - IT'S HAPPENING! AHHHHHH! REMUSSSSS! AHHHHHHHH - KEEP CALM !!!!!

Ah! now that you mention it, it also reminds me of that 'I'm flying' from titanic!

(2/8) beautiful. I cannot even begin listing everything I loved about that scene or else I would have to copy and paste the entire thing here. "But now, watching her glow, it dawned on Remus that he was holding the golden beam that threatened to paint the midnight sky gold." I mean- I probably read this three times because *screaming* HE'S IN LOVE, YOUR HONOR!!! Also I love, love, love the sun, moon and stars being used to represent mc, remus and sirius. It's kind of interesting sun is actually

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I WAS 100% SCREAMING WHILE WRITING THAT ENTIRE SCENE LMFAO! I'm glad you liked it! It was definitely *so far* one of my favourite scenes to write

(3/8) a star so they are similar and belong together, but also the moon and sun are kind of opposites and opposites attract and complete each other. So both sirius and remus are good matches for her but have very diffrent dynamics... I don't know, I am probably overthinking again. But I just don't know who to ship her with at this point. And I don't think you are going to fast with their relationship, their relationship progressed so naturally and beautifully, especially since the beginning

Well when I was in the planning stages of figuring out what I wanted to really add in this fic, one of the first things that came to mind was taking advantage of the moon and star metaphors. it makes things so much more romantic / angsty and plus - they're there. what am I supposed to do - not use the absolute gold I have at my finger tips? (see what I did there)

and no! I always encourage predictions being made. some of my readers have been scarily accurate and it scares the fuck outta me but they're hilarious to read! Like I had one clever reader send in a prediction of what was going to happen and my jaw dropped. Spot on!

also for the MC and remus' relationship progressing - I had to cut out so m u c h because it really was too rushed. But don't worry, it'll be moved to other upcoming chapters!

(4/8) of the sixth year. Okay, I know this chapter was remus' time to shine but can we talk about sirius for a minute? The way he looked at with so much vulnerability in front of everyone. Couple of chapters ago he didn't even cast a spell at her during their duel and bowed in front of her. Considering how romantic feelings are foreign to him, it's crazy to see how much he grown to care for her in a short amount of time. I can't help but love their chemisty, even after everything that happend.

SIRIUS! darling... I feel awful. I can't wait to write his POV of how he's feeling sometime in the near future.

yeah, I was also trying to go for the intense guilt he feels about everything so :p I love torturing characters, don’t I?

(5/8) And there were so many little things in this chapter that made me so happy. McLaggen already started causing drama and I'm so here for it. Sybill celebrating her birthday. Matthew being the best friend ever (When gaplin family owl arrived, i though something happend to him and I was terrified). Lily finally talking to mc again! Regulus' extravagant gift! But being dramatic must be a Black family thing. I can't belive he got her a ring that practically screams "the noble and most ancient

McLaggen - stirring the pot. sly mother fucker haha!

Matthew made a little cameo! I love writing him :D!!!! I have a few things in store for his arch and ughhhh ahahahahah. and omg! no! If I was going to hurt Matthew, I wouldn't do It this early. (That sounds like a threat haha)

(6/8) house of black" while hiding their friendship. Somebody bound to connect the dots (sirius maybe?), right? And he's with his parents for "an event"? Very suspicious. P.S. Bc I'm not creative with names (like remus' parents) I was calling the bunny furry little problem the second or moony jr. in my head. And as for name... flopsy could be cute. I know it's very stereotypical but there was a children's book called "the tale of flopsy bunnies" and I feel like remus might have been familiar

Lmfao fucking Regulus - or really the black family - always one for the dramatic. I can't wait to *eventually* write more of dramatic ass Sirius.

I've also been referring to the bunny as 'furry little problem' in my head haha!

(7/8) with muggle children's books because of his mother and idk, naming a pet after a book character feels like something he would do. Also floppy and flops were some of the nicknames james used to call mc, so it could be cute (But owl bait is also a brilliant name as well). P.P.S. Can we talk about how after mc comes to his dorm for the "bunny time" (very cute btw) remus said something like "i feel like you're using me for my pet" and in one of the previous chapters mc told him he was using

- also I'm surprised you remember that part about James calling her 'Flops' ETC considering I only mentioned it briefly. Wow! And you're absolutely right, it would be such a cute call back to the MC!

I'm going to be running a 'poll' (idk if I should call it that) sometime within the next few days of a list of name suggestions I've gotten and let readers choose the name! and I'll totally add your suggestion to the list. love it!

(8/8) her for the casette player. I don't know if it was intentional but for some reason that made me laugh so hard. And seems like I talked way too much again thank you for this chapter and thank you for listening/reading my ramblings, I guess. *screaming stops* *howler rips itself into pieces* -🌸

It was intentional! I'm glad you caught on!

and thank you for rambling, as always I loved reading it! Made my week :D xx I wish you a wonderful day/evening 😊

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

@megatraven

I had this thought last night but decided to wait to post it bc Ik you weren’t feeling good sO YEAH.

Idk if I’ve made a post like this before but it’s an AU for our beloved Alex. Not necessarily angst but angst is obviously there but so is fluff so yeah >:)))

SOOOO...I love the deaf AUs >:))). Or the blinds one but deaf are my favorite lol. I just imagine Alex meeting MC for the first time, and late at night I just imagined that maybe when they first met she wasn’t deaf. She could hear completely fine and loved talking to them and being with them (like every AU I put out there djwndb). But after awhile, her hearing became terrible, and then to the point where she couldn’t hear at all.

Alex obviously began learning ASL immediately. They love her and still want to be friends with her, so they were determined to learn ASL. Heck, they learned along with her. And they didn’t treat her different (Josh and MCs mom didn’t treat her different either). Aphrodite and Hades didn’t treat her different either. They treated her like they always did. But it was still hard for MC. She was still young and now she couldn’t hear anything and she was really sad after that. So, she didn’t talk after that. She knew how to talk, but she found it a little pointless.

If she wanted to talk to someone who didn’t know ASL, she would try to talk, but she would always get anxiety about talking because she couldn’t hear herself. She didn’t know if she was too loud, too quiet, or if no one could even understand her. So, if she didn’t feel like talking, she’d just write down what she wanted to say on a piece of paper. It made things a bit easier for her. Plus, she rarely talked bc they didn’t know ASL, so they wouldn’t be able to respond to her properly. She tried to read lips, but she only got words right a few times so it was hard for her.

The only people she felt calm around were Alex, Josh, and her mother. They knew ASL so she didn’t feel the need to try and talk (unless she wanted to) around them or have anxiety.

SO, her and Alex got closer despite the fact that she couldn’t hear. But she still remembers their beautiful voice🥺.

And when she tries to work at H.E.R.A, Alex is WORRIED™️. And Josh is even more worried than normal too. They both know she is a powerful woman and very smart, but they know she won’t be able to hear an attack coming her way. She could feel vibrations, but they doubt she would be able to react in time if an attack was coming straight for her. However, Alex trained her to know how to keep her eyes everywhere. All around her and how to use her ring to protect her. So, they trusted her (like they always do) and believed in her.

And when Deukalion comes around, he is a little confused as to why she can’t hear him. However, once she starts signing he’s like “oh. My bad.” And I feel like Deukalion has a heart and sympathy (...or maybe it’s me wanting to make him look like a little bit of a good guy), so he doesn’t try to involve her because he knows she won’t know if he’s there. He knows she’s at a little disadvantage than others. But events in Alex’s route still happen. Deukalion becomes crazy, targets her (sorta), and yh. And Alex in that boarback scene...They’re even more protective.

They know she can’t rlly call, but she could’ve texted them and they would’ve been there and they’re so destroyed.

PLUS, they’re worried bc shes just at a vulnerable state. He could be right behind her and she wouldn’t know it.

And after all the Deukalion stuff happenes and Alex and MC get together, they’re both so in bliss. MC isn’t scared of being with someone. Because her partner knows sign language, knows how to sign back, and!! They!! Teach!! Her!! Greek!! Sign!! LANGUAGE!!! She feels loved because they understand her and support her and hNNNNG. And let’s say she’s sick and she stays home and is asleep or is doing something, she won’t hear them come home, but instead of being loud or scaring her, they come over to her and just gently place their hand on her back, trying not to scare her. She’s probably surprised, but not scared bc it’s gentle aND ITS ALEX!!

And oh noooo. When Ares comes around...he is just Ares. If you think he’s terrible in general, when he learns shes deaf heS WORSE. He takes advantage of her deafness. He scares her all the time, just talks to her (knowing she can’t hear him) and says terrible insults to her. And she’s a little afraid to tell Alex bc she doesn’t know what he’s saying to her, he could be saying anything and she’s scared to make a deal about something even tho she knows it’s something bad. She’s just worried and scared.

Ares is a little put off by her being deaf and doesn’t rlly want her to be his hero, until he learns she can use the ring and sees what she has done, THEN it makes him put aside the deafness and is doing all of this as a punishment for Alex (and Aphrodite). But Alex and her overtake him bc they’re both gLORIOUS together.

And then when the Hera situation happens...everything is kinda normal. It goes the way it does in Alex’s season 3, but I like to think Zeus has a little more sympathy for her. Idk what he’d do, but just a LITTLE more sympathy for her. I just rlly want Zeus to be a good guy :(.

But yh everything happens normal (sorta), BUT I have some sweet headcannons with deaf!MC

*Alex learned sign language immediately, and actually found it interesting. Hell, they think if they didn’t learn it when they did for MC, they would’ve learned it on their own. It’s very interesting to them lol.

*Alex would always run their hands through MCs hair when they get home. They know it’s stressful for her since she has to be extra extra careful to be safe.

*If MC and Alex went on a job together, Alex would be paying very close attention to MC.

*Aphrodite and Hades are even more proud of MC because she’s done so many great things while not being able to hear aND HNNNG,

*And I like to think maybe one day, she actually can get a hearing aid that CAN help her hear again. Not perfectly and not necessarily “good”, but she can still hear Alex’s voice and that’s all that matters to her.

*She cries when she gets to hear Alex’s voice again.

*And she cries when she gets to hear Jason cry when she first gets to hold him. She can hear him because of her hearing aid and she’s just so happy she at least gets to hear him.

*She can hold a conversation bc she now had a hearing aid and she gets more happy to talk :))).

I don’t have any more bc I love this AU, but I’m not 100% good at the idea fnwndn. BUT YH DEAF MC WOULD BE RLLY CUTE BUT SAD TOO.

And I got this idea by watching a deaf cat video and how she meows REALLY loud (bc she can’t hear obviously) when she sees that her human is home :)). And I like to imagine MC doing that (saying ‘HI’ really loud when she sees Alex) when Alex is home or if she sees them at work. Her demigod is there now :))). And the owner sang the cat a good morning song eVEN THO SHE COULDNT HEAR HER AND I WAS LIKE “OH that radiates Alex energy”. So yh take this AU and I hope you liked it a little bit

I had an idea for this and how it could tie in with my original idea of The Girl in The Blue Dress (ya know. How it goes in with AFK from the post of the original plot) but like...I thought of this idea at midnight...so I forgot how it ties in to Apollo and Rose so mY BAD FJWBDBE. But yh take this and I hope you feel a bit better🥺.

[madiiko12]

new york’s very own madison ‘madi’ ko was spotted on broadway street in chanel sneakers . your resemblance to kim chungha is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-first birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being obsessive , but also ambitious . i guess being a virgo explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be glittery eyes, dangling earrings, & chanel draped in pearls.  ( cisfemale & she/her) + ( kale, 20 , she/her , est. )

hi honeybuns !! im back and with child. there is a brief mention of an ed under the cut but i block it off with a tw start & end.    if you’d like to plot pls leave a like and i can dm you or hit you up on discord !! my discord is kale#3079  

BACKSTORY

haneul madison ko was born september 18, 1999 to two immigrant parents from S.K. her birth name is haneul, but she went by the name madison since it was easier to pronounce + madi began to almost detest her culture??

it was just that growing up she would sometimes get bullied for looking different at her school, for the way her packed lunches smelled/looked, the way people would stare if she spoke korean to her parents, how other kids would make fun of her english since she didn’t pick up on vocab/grammar as quickly since she didn’t practice at home with her parents. she just became SO insecure about it that she rejected her culture. she wouldn’t bring her mom’s food to school, if her mom ever forced her to take it she’d throw it away  and choose to starve instead. she wouldn’t speak korean back to her parents in public, barely even in private (which reeaaallly upset her parents). this also REALLY destroyed her korean language skills. she can understand still, but she can barely hold a basic conversation anymore.

as she grew up, and continued this sense of distancing herself from her culture, she ultimately distanced herself from her family. which left her feeling -  - alone often, even though it was all due to her own choices. in this loneliness, she found her escape in music. she would wear headphones constantly through the halls, in car rides, in her room when her parents yelled at her to turn the music down. she just loved music. she saved up the money her parents gave her whenever she worked at the nail salon (her parents owned it!!) to thrift an old keyboard. she became self-taught by trying to copy melodies of songs she’d listen to, thrifting piano lesson books, staying after school with the music teacher learning to play. sometimes she’d even skip lunch to sit in the chorus room with her choir director and play.

it’s not that she had a LACK of friends growing up, maybe just that she lacked a best friend. she had a lot of friends, but no one that she felt so connected to in the way she felt connected to music. perhaps, she was addicted to her loneliness.

she spent a lot of time playing the piano and dabbling in writing music that her grades started to fall (not that she was ever the BEST student) and her parents literally took away her piano. they said it was a waste of time because they wanted her to focus on doing well, so she could get into a good university, and then live a good life. music was just a distraction

but that didnt work

she would sneak out into the city to go to concerts and poetry readings. she’d sneak out and go to indie songwriters scenes while her parents thought she was at the library with one of her school friends

This underground scene had her full heart!! she was surrounded by likeminded people who just lived for music. she was hearing all of these incredible people who were all looking for their start. maybe not looking for anything at than just to sing their songs. tbh i think this was the point she was happiest. she was completely enveloped in music, just for the sake of music. There wasn’t any pressure, just music. Just the songs. she was wide eyed looking at this whole underground scene of artists. So maybe some plots from these underground charas?!

she’d perform some songs at karaoke nights and the indie sessions, and a producer took a keen interest in one of her songs. basically im kind of stealing halsey’s career start, but she posted a song Came in Close on SoundCloud and just blew up overnight. in the morning, she woke up to a record label asking her to fly to LA for a meeting.

and thus, Madison Ko began a career as Madi Ko where she’d release her debut album, Honey, a few months later. (DISCOGRAPHY HERE). her music is very 80s synth inspired!

new album that is most definitely CRJ’S EMOTION is coming soon...

PERSONALITY

right off the bat, madi is an absolute firecracker!! she’s loud, bursting with personality, has a lack of inhibitions that CHAOTICALLY mixes with her spontaneity

part of this is projecting her insecurities. she felt lonely as a child but doesn’t want to be seen as that to the world. it’s not so much a persona but an exaggeration of who she was. 

she likes to show off her glam bc it, once again, hides her insecurities. 

she just kind of is dramatic anymore

like everything about her

her persona as Madi Ko, upcoming popstar underdog, is like DUNKED in glitter, over the top stages and sets, draped in couture. basically her stages/outfits/dances/mvs are like Chungha’s but with Pale Waves and Carly Rae Jepsen VC. ex: 1, 2, 3, 4

also bc im obsessed with chungha’s famous diamond wink, IT’S GONNA BE MADI’S THING TOO. so basically madi has trended on twt a few times bc of her signature diamond wink bc she effing glues rhinestones and glitter under her eyes for performances !! she said fuck corneas !! ex: 1, 2, 3      ....god chungha is magical

so while madi is like a brand hypebeast n never shuts up, she can also get,,, easily annoyed. and heavily perceives ppl on first impressions despite that being the reason she felt misunderstood a lot growing up. 

definitely argumentative!!! will blow up arguments for no reason n then later questions why she made it such a big deal but cant own up to her mistakes

when she decides she doesnt like you, SHE DOESNT LIKE YOU. it’s done. bridge is burned, she’s not keen on second chances

fame has definitely given her a bit of an ego problem --- she’s a bit more aggressive, self-obsessed while intrinsically insecure, is too busy flaunting her material possessions and trendy life that she can...lose touch of reality. basically most of her high school friends cant stand her. HC that her high school bf broke up with her bc she was no longer was the madison ko he knew!!! so if anyone wants to be that ex lmk !!! she’s written songs about them!!!

definitely the type of girl who is so hype at a party, dancing in fallen confetti, standing on the fireplace mantle, but then midway realizes she’s lonely. sad at a party. 

ED TW STARTS!!!!!

....

she kind of always had body image issues growing up, but it was very off and on, but once she got signed and being by surrounded by cameras became normal she formed a full fledged ED. she’s passed out at concerts a few times bc of her ED, but they always brush it off as “not enough rest” or “she wasnt feeling well that day but pushed to perform anyway as to not disappoint the fans”

so feel free for ur muses to point it out !! she’ll get really defensive like “i eat i just work out a lot” and yeah it’s true she works out a lot but she...doesn’t really eat

it’s also one of the causes of her irritability ...

.....

END ED TW!!!!

idk why this is so long

always up for mischief! 

does love a good prank. asks weird hypotheticals 

is not scared of an ouija board

will get wasted off a few shots and drunk madi is UNSTOPPABLE 

one time drunk madi cried bc her siamese cat (MOCHI !!!) wouldn’t ever get to go to school and would never know chemistry..... the dramatics.....

she is sensitive and despises it. she does everything she can to not come across as sensitive

however, she’s so obsessive. so deep in feeling. when she feels something she FEELS it. when she is mad it boils through her. when she is in love it is all she knows. when she is sad it covers her like sweaters and blankets on rainy days. she doesn’t know how to half-feel. everything she feels stops her in her tracks.

HOWEVER she’s the most obsessive with her own insecurities — so in relationships she’s kind of known for tapping out early. she just gets scared and the fleetingness of her career and that she’s at her very core, lonely and disappointed in herself, makes her want to run away thinking that letting down her walls and being vulnerable could only be disappointing for her SO. so maybe she ghosted ur chara or gave some lame excuse

Kind of obsessed with how she’s perceived

terrified that at any moment her career could be thrown away, her deemed irrelevant, and she goes back to being Madison Ko, daughter of nail techs in Koreatown. and then her parents would have been right all along, music was a waste of time.

she’s just my little fallen angel who flew to the sun (fame) and it constantly eats away at her girlhood, at her heart.

anyways this is all i got rn <3 come love me sorry i kind of didn’t shut up this is long

WANTED CONNECTIONS

an ex from before she was famous who broke up with her because of how she changed!! PLEASE i have ideas for this. plus,,, you get a lot of songs about ur chara!!! could be from high school, maybe someone in the music scene she frequented before she was signed, anything!!

anothr ex/fwb/undefined relationship i’d love is one when she was first famous who just introduced her to everything. something like a whirlwind that was exciting and magical. she’s written songs about this person.

exes in general. 

hookups/fwb

romantic plots. pls i have songs who need meaning. friends to lovers, one sided (either way), slowburn, ANYTHING. love cruel summer plots, anything lover by tswift

PR relationships -- would LOVE one where she falls in love with the other despite how clearly defined they made their relationship

love triangles in general just get me going

best friend!!!! the one’s who know how the other feels just by looking at each other. they have countless sleepovers. tell each other everything. cry together on bathroom floors. pregame together. 

ex friends. for whatever reason -- maybe madi did smth shitty, maybe they did. maybe there was backstabbing, maybe madi sacrificed friendship for a career, maybe she made moves on their romantic partner/interest despite being fully aware. idk. gimme

People she knew from the underground/indie scene before they were famous!! they’d have bonded over their love for music, little indie dreams kind of vibe. just imagine a group of dreamers !! Would love if they made some kind of pact!!!

party friends

collabs !!

pranks. mischief. gimme

enemies. gotta cook up some drama, yknow

GIRL GANG. god i just want this so bad like make a girls dream come true

[flyingcookierambles]

so i finished reading the northern caves

hey its a book ramble! after uuhhhhhh.. a year. anyways the northern caves! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659997/chapters/8088522)

i binged it in a whole day. and i have feelings. i think?

so ppl hyped it as a lovecraft-ish/otherworldly horror story and i think i got a bit sucked into that and let down a bit because to me the horror story wasn’t the implied dark magic connections the author had with uh. the Mundum. it was the unreliable narration and betrayal of friends. spoilers below!

so, if you’ve read the northern caves, you know what the Mundum is. it was just kinda introduced as some mystical thing in the universe that the author believed in. whether or not it was real was kinda left open ended i think.

if you for some reason haven’t read the northern caves (which will just be either the caves or tnc for typing speed’s sake), it’s about a group of online friends in a 2004 internet forum dedicated to a children’s book series called Chesscourt by Leonard Selby. the author died before he could publish his final book, The Northern Caves. thankfully, one of the ppl in the forums, metamarsh, is actually distantly related to the author, and in the event of leonard selby’s death and then marsh’s aunt’s death (i think she was selby’s sister or something), marsh’s family got all the belongings of leonard selby. all his journals, notes, and unpublished works left behind. TNC was one of them. marsh (or his aunt or some other relative) scanned the pages and released it online ig sometime before the story. and so the events of Spelunk 04! starts, in which the friend group of this forum plans an irl meet up at marsh’s house so they can go over the author’s belongings and try to make sense of tnc. tnc is, to put simply, a mess. there’s lucid parts and non-lucid parts, by which i mean that there’s entire pages of nonsense and also it’s mentioned that there are 3 entire pages that are just the letter “a.” this can easily be dismissed as the writings of a senile old man, until the revelation of the Mundum (mentioned above) comes up. 

then things so super wrong. 

so, the entire story is a “report” by a man on the forums named Paul. his handle is GlassWave. he is a person who went to Spelunk 04! and is part of the reason why the meeting went so wrong. around the part where the journals abt the Mundum come up, he totally gets into it. the narration around this part gets uh. kinda creepy. it also definitely doesnt help that there were drugs involved - adderall.

so uh. basically. paul and another guy, Arron/Errent Knight, get the Mundum. they dont understand why their friends dont understand it. the solution according to paul? put adderall into the coffee and stay up for 60 hours straight reading tnc in a group circle.

yeahhhhh.

so i personally wasnt super scared abt the entire lovecraft-ish/other worldly implications of mundum being real or not. it was the paul’s state of mind when he spiked the coffee with drugs. it was the entire betrayal thing. 

i personally haven’t really had the entire internet friends experience bc im p shy irl and online. i dont usually go talk to strangers in chatrooms/discord or anything. also stranger danger lol.

but i hear a bunch of stories abt that kind of stuff, the early 2000′s internet experience before ppl had more awareness of internet stranger danger. also i’ve been watching and reading abt a lot of internet drama thru commentary channels i watch nowadays (therightopinion is p good), and uh the whole parasocial relationship thing (so ive seen it be described as) is on my mind a lot now. since we view ppl as relatable and feel like we know them. now, of course, there’s a difference in the personal experience one can have between a youtuber or internet celeb and a person on an interactive forum/social media platform. i would think that more interactive platforms like forums or discourd would feel more personal to some than a celebrity but still. 

the entire narration of paul’s during the spiking the coffee scene was so rational-seeming to him. and then the betrayal that his friends, the ones at Spelunk 04! and online felt hit me. like, i’ve never personally experienced that kind of betrayal since i dont have internet/stranger friends, but still i think it’s really relevant now. on the 26th chapter (2nd to last), the forum comments of JimWind and Sally’s Lil Sis hit especially hard. 

JimWind:

Wow. Wowwowow. I just finished reading the whole thing through the latest bit GW's posted. I had heard things about Spelunk 04 having something to do with restaurant workers dying, but I just figured that was a baseless rumor because it seemed so hard to understand how that could have happened. But what really shocks me here isn't even that, it's the fact that GlassWave dosed his/our friends with hard drugs. (Adderall is just prescription amphetamine, AKA speed! WTF!!!) "GlassHole" indeed! TBH it really makes me uncomfortable with GW and getting this whole story from him. Of course when I first read this

“maybe not even the other forum members, not even the best among them, not even Jim, say”

I was flattered, especially cause GW's always seemed like one of the sharpest and nicest posters around these parts (until now!!). But now it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this guy to think I'm one of the "best" Cafe people. And I'm holding back judgment on all this Spelunk nonsense until I hear about it from someone WHO ISN'T GLASSWAVE. (Plus, this is stupid, but there's something that makes it even worse about the fact that the diner has my name :P) No matter how you slice it, it's a sad day for the Cafe. D:

Sally:

Yeah me too JimWind. I'm literally crying rn. First Spelunk went wrong, then we have to wait to hear about what happened, then we finally get the report but it's from this jerk! I'm really sad bc this forum has meant a lot to me over the last year (its been a really tough year for me) and now I'm worried that everyone here might be some sort of drug-pushing creep :( :( :(

before this, everyone felt connected in some way w/ chesscourt and safe. and paul/glasswave was a decent person in the community! he talked to other ppl. ppl trusted him enough to invite him to this thing and meet up irl. and then he just. spikes coffee with adderall.

idk, maybe its just me since i was too young to be on fandom spaces in 2004 and be on chatrooms and stuff, but i feel like when the internet first came out everyone felt safe on it to some degree and the internet and real life were seperate spaces. now, esp with social media like facebook, real life and the internet are super connected. 

the fact that paul caused harm to his friends by spiking their drinks without consent is horrible. but like i feel like to ppl from 2004 who might not have experienced this kind of closely tied internet/real life drama before and also might not have the same sense of internet stranger danger that ppl have today, the idea of a person from the internet harming you in real life could be terrifying. today, i think that horror stories of ppl meeting online and then things going wrong is so common and in the news that we don’t bat an eye to it. but i guess maybe to 2004 ppl, this is like the ultimate nightmare.

when i finished the book, i felt a bit let down by the ending and stuff. it felt a bit anti-climatic. but after thinking about this from (what i think is) a 2004 person’s perspective, this is p awful. and the whole unreliable narration thing was very good.

i thought of midsommar a bit when i was thinking abt the ending. like, sure a bunch of horrible gory stuff happened and ppl died. but the real horror sets in afterwards when you realize that the movie is abt a vulnerable lonely woman in a neglectful relationship being indoctrinated into a cult thru drugs, isolation, and love bombing, and it was kinda shown as a “good thing” bc the protag finally found a place she belonged. when really, she was being further trapped in life, this time in a cult.

idk, but i guess that’s my ramble on the northern caves.

tl;dr - i read an original story from AO3 that was kinda hyped up for a lovecraft-ish horror, but i ended up interpreting the horror aspect differently and didn’t really get the mundum/lovecraft-ish part i think?

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

[pigstepmp3-moved]

the writers really did buck dirty in s01e02

its the post you’ve all been waiting for—my Aggravated Analysis Of Everything That Makes Me Mad about the Therapy Scene tm, now featuring some things that show just how emotionally and mentally fucked buck is. now, i know we All hate that scene with all of our hearts (buck deserves to have a Good experience w therapy for once, but thats just my opinion), but i wanna go into detail about what exactly makes me SEETHE about that scene, complete w gifs and screenshots so i can better explain myself. im putting it all under the cut bc its kind of A Lot, so click that “read more” if you wanna read my angry complaining

alright, lets set the scene (i know we’re all aware of the situation behind this scene, but i think its important to remind you all of it). season one episode two. bucks still very much a Huge horn dog. buck has also very recently suffered his First loss on the job and its taking a huge toll on him. i think what’s most important to talk about before we get to the therapy scene itself is the scene where abby’s watching him on the news with carla.

(not the greatest quality, but that doesnt matter). he very clearly looks uncomfortable just talking about what happened in such a Casual, No Pressure setting. he says, “i was just doing my job. i’m happy we were able to help the people we helped and i’m really sorry about those we couldn’t save.” he stutters a few times as he says it, looks and sounds very uneasy, which seems very out of character for him. he’s usually super confident and chill, but as he’s asked to talk about this (most likely) traumatic thing, he kinda clams up, yknow? theres also something in his voice that reminds me very heavily of the way My voice sounds when Im trying to force back tears, but that might just be The Way He Talks

another thing that he says that really stands out to me (i dont know if this is necessarily important to the topic at hand, but i wanna talk about it so whatever) is, “. . . um, i’m sure they’re just turned on by the uniform. you know, i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” ignoring the more sexual connotations to what he’s saying there, let’s talk about what he most likely meant by that particular statement. he still sounds a little nervous as he says it and kind of avoids the reporters eyes. it sounds to me like this is a rare moment of buck’s insecurities being let loose. “i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” this implies, i think, some insecurities about like.. every part of himself. it almost seems like, in this moment, he thinks his only redeeming quality is the uniform. which might actually be what he’s thinking right then, ‘cause he’s still trying to figure out how to cope with his first loss. i think theres some part of him, somewhere behind that overly confident persona, that has a lot more insecurities than he shows, but thats a conversation for another day.

now, let’s move on a little from that. what i think is very important and notable about that scene is some of the things abby says after watching buck on the news. first thing she says that stands out to me is, “i’ve been thinking i might want to call him to see how he is.” she’s worried about him. i think she’s probably been worried about him since the first time he was on the news, earlier that episode. and for good reasons, i think, because later on, she says, “. . . he needs help, you know? i mean, he’s got so much pain in his face. everybody’s treating him like a hero. he doesn’t feel like a hero. as far as he’s concerned, the guy that he was trying to save fell.” like, wow, just tear my heart out and stomp on it a bunch, why dont you? its such a wonderful and apt summary of what buck’s going through. to put it rather simply, he’s fucking distraught, and for good reasons. plus, that quote is one of the Big things that influenced my headcanon of buck having depression, and i could probably analyze every single scene bucks in in this episode that have added onto that head canon of mind bc there are at least a couple different things i could blather on about, but that’s some analysis for another post (if you’re interested in me talking about that tho, definitely feel free to let me know)

now, let’s move on a little further to the Dreaded Scene (i’d totally go into the scene that immediately follows the last one i talked about, where buck and abby are speaking on the phone, but i think i’ve emphasized my point of buck going through some shit in this episode to the point where that isn’t strictly necessary). for the rest of this post, i’m gonna kind of analyze every single little thing that buck does and says in the therapy scene bc pretty much all of it contributes to my burning hatred of that therapist.

like, yeah, no SHIT, honey!! as far as we, the audience, are concerned, this is the First time he’s EVER been to therapy. in my own personal experiences, my first time going to therapy was SO uncomfortable. and just looking at buck right here makes me feel uncomfortable, too—he’s fidgeting with his hands, looks to the side, looks down, looks up at her for a moment before looking away again. this boy looks nervous as hell, and for good reasons. he confirms that he is in fact uncomfortable, and then the therapist says, “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” remember that, because i’m not gonna go into the importance of that quote just yet.

the next thing buck says is, “uh, yeah, i’m, uh, i’m not really into feelings.” he kind of avoids looking at the therapist as he says this, though not as much as he did in that last gif. but his voice is like... uncharacteristically quiet as he says it.

more!! avoidance!! he keeps averting his eyes, looking anywhere that ISNT his therapist. and at the end of what he says here, he clenches his jaw a little. a nervous tick, maybe? i don’t know. as he talks here, though, his voice is, yet again, very quiet. he sounds just about broken right here, and it makes my heart ache so bad for him

after a brief break to check out what athena and michael are talking about, his therapist says, "i treat a lot of first responders—people who run toward danger—but maybe there's something you're running from as well? what is it about discussing your feelings that scares you?" the answer buck gives her? a very defensive, “i’m not scared.” if youre not scared, then why are you avoiding talking about your damn feelings like the fucking black plague? and when i say that he says it defensively, i mean, like, way too defensive to Not be suspicious

we don’t get to hear anymore about that particular question because next, we’re checking up on athena and michael again, and then we’re talking about something else. the therapist says, "you lost somebody. that's hard."

as he says this, he sounds fucking SAD. he sounds completely and utterly BROKEN. throughout this whole clip, he sounds entirely broken. the therapist asks if this was his first time. he responds with, "i mean, i've had calls where it was... too late, but, uh, but i've only been doing this not even six months. now, i... i just can't shake the feeling that this one didn't need to go down the way that it did." again, he sounds like he’s hurting really badly. this loss is really taking a huge toll on him and that is Very clear. she then asks him if he thinks there was something he could have differently. he doesnt respond, just looks up at her like this:

his eyes are a little red, and it looks like there are some tears in his eyes. like wow, you could murder me and it would hurt less than seeing buck like this

now, the next snippet is about where everything Starts Going To Shit (this is also the part where i start sobbing like a dumb baby, but thats neither here nor there). 

you see that shit right there?? if you listen hard enough, you can hear my heart breaking into a million pieces. from this point on, buck is CRYING. honest to god fucking CRYING. he looks like he’s hurting so badly, especially at the end of that gif, when he furrows his eyebrows. it looks kind of like he’s trying to keep himself from straight up Sobbing. i’m sure it seems almost like i’m dwelling on this for a little longer than necessary, but i think emphasizing how emotional he is in this part is very important to understand just how much the end of this scene makes me fucking SEETHE. this next little bit is where i start to transition from Sadness to absolute Rage

you see that? this is the start of my slow deterioration into madness. up until this point, everything about this therapy session was completely and entirely professional. but home girl decides, hey, yknow whats a good idea? waltzing my happy ass across the room, sitting down directly in front of my PATIENT, and resting my hand on said PATIENT’s arm. i dunno about you guys, but this seems terrible on so many levels that it isnt funny.

now, yknow what happens next? some classic avoidance from our boy. she calls him mr buckley, so he says, "it's, um... it's actually just buck." (after VERY AUDIBLY SNIFFLING by the way, but i digress). he then deflects even FURTHER by asking her if she friended him on facebook. 

“i thought you looked familiar,” he says. he’s no longer actively crying at this point, but there are most certainly still some tears in his eyes.

now, do you know what happens next, after a brief break to check up on athena and michael? the worst thing that could happen happens! i know it, you know it, little miss unprofessional sleeps with buck! and yknow what she says Immediately afterwards? “i can’t believe i just did that. i am so sorry.” like.... no! saying “sorry” doesnt change the fact that you TOOK ADVANTAGE of someone who is CLEARLY not in the right frame of mind to consent to something like that. yknow what he was doing the last time we saw him? crying. bc hes in a very vulnerable place in this episode. and yeah, sure, i guess you could make the argument that he was seducing her a little, but that doesnt change the fact that this is fucked up. now, side note about me, i’m only in high school and i’ve never had any job before, so i dont quite know the ins and outs of the professional world. but i do know a thing or two about common sense, so its pretty easy for me to assume that shit like this is awful on like a million different levels. i think the power imbalance is super clear to anyone who has any number of brain cells.

now, buck being as emotionally stunted as he is, says that she made him feel better (probably just for a few minutes, but thats neither here nor there). and yknow what she says? “you should go.” remember that quote from earlier? the one that i said was important and that i was going to go into later? “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” yknow what buck Didnt do? deal with those feelings. he talked about his feelings for maybe ten minutes, and that’s assuming that, during the cuts to athena and michael, the session was continuing and that it wasnt a matter of like, oh, this stuff is happening At The Same Time.

and all that is just During the session. we dont ever see the aftermath of it, we dont ever see buck talking about that session or anything along those lines. and we most certainly dont see him trying to go talk to a different therapist. the rest of what im going to be talking about this post is purely speculation, but i think its highly probable that this could all be canon. like i just mentioned, as far as we know, buck hasnt gone to another therapist after that shit show. additionally, we can also assume that buck really hasnt talked to like....... anyone about the shit he’s gone through, both past shit and shit that was brought up from this first loss of his. so as far as we’re concerned, he’s never properly worked through it all. he’s also probably never gotten any proper coping mechanisms to deal with any further losses. it seems a little too morbid to think that bucks just gotten used to the feeling that comes with losing someone, so i think its pretty safe to assume that, after every single loss he suffers, he gets like..... super fucked up, purely because he never talked about (a), the reason why hes scared to talk about feelings, or (b), how to deal with said feelings, especially when they’re bad. and thats not fair to him!! that loss clearly took a huge toll on buck, Most of the description of that episode is talking about the roller coaster and bucks feelings, but he never got to heal from it. if buck doesnt get something akin to a redemption arc, where he gets to see a therapist to properly work through all of his issues, i’m going to riot

anyway. thats all i have to say on the matter. i’ve been working on this for most of the day because i have so many thoughts and feelings about the way buck was treated during this episode. i will die mad about it. but i think i’ve said pretty much all i have to say on the topic now, so i hope my frustrated rambling was interesting or whatever to read. so, thanks for reading! ♥

[survivenovascotia]

Episode 3 - AHHHHH -Heather

I hate Tiktok dances. Im not in shape enough for this but like 150 pts is 150 pts

So I come back from Oak Island and Kevin has been voted out. Excuse me but what? Kevin of all people. The dude was great in challenges and a loyal person. But apparently Sunshine and John said he’d be too controlling at a swap and possibly had an idol? What kind of lame ass excuse is that at the second tribal council? Darcy, Mac and Kyle were all in favour of keeping Kevin over Jessie. Which means that Sunshine, John and Dan have some kind of alliance going on there. I don’t imagine Jessie is really aligned with them and probably only worked with them to keep herself safe. I don’t blame her at all. However, we’re probably going to lose this next challenge (partly because of me throwing it oops) which isn’t the worst thing in the world. If Darcy, Mac, Kyle and myself all stick together, and none of us go to Oak Island (Kyle and myself can’t), the four of us would have the majority to vote out any of the other three who don’t go to Oak Island. And as of right now, I think John and Sunshine still feel like I’m on their side. So I’m a little bit in the middle right now. I’ve got my fingers crossed everyone else on the tribe can pull together a win but a whole ass person not submitting for this is definitely a huge disadvantage for us.

In my opinion, one of the most important things to be aware of while playing survivor is your threat level. You can't exactly be too big of a threat or else you'll get voted out, and you also can't be too little of a threat or else you'll just get taken to the end, or be seen as an easy vote. This is why the meat shield strategy is one of the best ways to play survivor; be a threat, but never the biggest threat. However, I'm not playing the meat shield strategy right now, because quite frankly I don't feel like I need to. I'm so under everyone's radar, that I don't see myself going home anytime soon. Also, since this is my first time playing, it's hard to get a read on who really is a meat shield and who isn't. However, I'll be sure to make big moves; just not too many to get targeted over anyone else.

IDK WHO IS SITTING OUT BUT SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE SITTING OUT AND I THOUGHT WAS SITTING OUT IS IN. IDK IF THERE IS TIME BUT I AM THE BIG ANXIOUS ABOUT THIS CHALLENGE NOW.

AHHHHH

Kevin going home was upsetting for me. Sunshine, Jessie, Dan and John are dead to me. I need to convince Keegan to join myself, Darcy and Kyle if any of us are gonna get anywhere in this game. I didn’t search for the idol yesterday because I was feeling sick and was upset with Kev leaving. I just don’t wanna go back to tribal. Otherwise I’ll be saying a few words at tribal.

I am very nervous for this challenge. Evan hasn't done anything so far , but if we lose, we need him as a number so we are stuck in a sticky situation. Livingston a while ago thought you only had to do a select few and I am worried because I don't want to lose  a challenge I worked so hard for just because people won't try. I hate having a for the tribe mentality because like I don't want to seem like a challenge threat but its more we have to work together and get as many points as humanly possible.

ok so this tribe turned into a literal mess. So i said i wanted to sit out of the challenge because i didn't have a lot of the items, and then i got ignored by like two members of the tribe which meant I was doing the challenge and evan and coco were sitting out. Honestly, I'm livid that I was ignored by people because that I take personally. I could care less about the challenge, even though I know i'd get like 6 points because i have papers and stuff to do. Luckily, we figured things out and evan is doing the challenge. If we win, awesome, but if we lose, I definitely have a couple people on my list. Luckily though, I'm in a 5 person alliance with Heather, Austin, Evan and Coco. That makes me feel safe at this specific time in the game, but I can't help but wonder who we will all vote for if we go to tribal tomorrow.

The dynamics right now are absolutely hilarious let’s breakdown: Heather: is currently having a panic attack bc this challenge is a mess & literally no one knows what they’re doing Eric: says ‘I’m not doing this’ then dips for like 20 hours. Evan & Coco are confirmed as sit outs, Eric gets mad at the hosts for some reason, & then forces himself to sit out. Evan: was confirmed as a sit out, dips for 20 hours because he thinks he’s not doing anything, comes back like ‘wait what’ & is hella salty Livingston: didn’t know that each person had to individually post everything Glo: is a angel her videos are killing me she is the comedic relief during these dark times. She also suggests we have one person go TWICE & have 3 sit outs LMAO Me: fucking cackling anytime anyone speaks in a passive aggressive tone We were supposed to be the tribe that loves each other now look what happened  

It honestly feels horrible not submitting a damn thing for a challenge because I am certain we’re going to lose because of it. But I don’t want to try my best in the challenge and have us still lose and then lose my vote at tribal. It’s just not worth it. On the plus side, even if we do lose the challenge Darcy, Kyle and Mac are all pretty down to blindside Sunshine for being snakey. So unless they change their mind right away and decide to axe me I should be in a good position.

My legs are sore and I made TIKTOKS to win by over 1000. Im..... I was gonna set a plan to get Livingston out but I mean I guess

We lost the challenge, surprise surprise. By a heck of a lot so I’m hella glad I accept the Oak Island challenge and didn’t submit for the challenge. It wouldn’t have even mattered. So we lose the challenge and shout our ho hums in tribe chat before it dies and everyone disperses to their quiet hidey holes to scheme against each other. And lo and behold Dan has immediately thrown my name out for not submitting in the challenge. Because I alone was the reason we lost. Whatever. Darcy is going under cover with Sunshine and Dan right now, Kyle is trying to act like a free agent and I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs wondering why the minority of Sunshine, Dan and John aren’t approaching the one person who wasn’t at all involved in the Kevin tribal. They honestly aren’t that smart if they’re straight up ignoring the one impartial person. Whatever. I wouldn’t actually vote with them since they voted out Kevin who was fantastic and useful. (#RevengeForKevin). Also, since I completed my Oak Island challenge I now have an extra vote I can use up until the final 5! I shouldn’t have to use it this tribal, thankfully. It will probably come in handy during a swap!

Is this what its like to be on a successful tribe? So unused to this. This gives me time to think and bond more. I’m thinking my first instinct to be threatened by glo and aim for her was wrong, it might make more sense to get her onside and use her both as a shield but also as a scapegoat for targetting others? We’ll see. Still good with Heather and Austin as a core three, and Livingston and Chips would be a good pair to link with if needed. Hopefully if swap comes I’m with some of them.

I’m crying at the fact we killed at. Like all of us were actually scared of losing & arguing & causing chaos & it was all for nothing & it’s AMAZING Also glo is scaring me she’s getting clingy she’s like “you wouldn’t miss me if we swapped” and I’m like what she’s like “tehe I was JOKING silly 😜” and like. I’m sorry what. Maybe I’m overreacting but that type of language makes me v uncomfy. Ion know that really off put me I’m gonna take a break from socializing. I’m pretty sensitive to behavior like that so I feel like it’s healthy to distance

Birch and Tawni really sat there being like, yall won stop trying. I thought we were up for competition. Oh Well. I had fun!! We love scavenger hunts

Me, Kyle, Keegan and Darcy are a good 4. With Jessie going to Oak Island that leaves Sunshine, Dan and John vulnerable. Keegan shared to me that he won an Extra Vote at Oak Island, which he hasn’t shared with Kyle and (maybe) not Darcy. I’m worried because I feel like I’m the 4th and not the 1st. Kyle admitted Kevin was his closest ally. My idol hunt is going alright. Definitely progress made.

To Kyle, if you’re ever reading these one day. I take back everything I said. You are awesome.

Fuck losing every challenge so far that’s all I have to say

I’m not sure if I’m feeling sick because I’m just sick or it’s the stress from this vote. I don’t want to be out this early. I can’t be out this early. If Kyle, Darcy and Mac can be trusted then I’m definitely safe and John is going home. I think I can trust them. I hope I can trust them. Why are we playing so damn hard so early in this game? Everyone needs to chill out or we’ll end up like Matsing.

Going to tribal I feel safe but nervous about what will happen in the aftermath. My group of 4 are pretty chill and not budging. Bye John.

No Swap, Thank God!! I think im fairly decent at this type of challenge. I won an individual immunity in this challenge once but idk how ill do with a tribe.

Oh my god my alliance is now in control! Yeah boi. Sunshine being HELLA QUIET after John’s boot was spooky but, I mean, he can’t complain since he did the exact same thing last vote. My problem now is not being the 4th member of the alliance. I’m scared that people will see me as riding coattails. I mean controlling the idol hunt is a cute look.

Our tribe was on a roll and had won 2 challenges in a row. I was starting to get busy taking care of my crush, and because of this, I had to sit out. However, apparently two people stated they were sitting out before I did. But the thing is, I never knew that. So I decided to disconnect from skype for the day to be with the one I love. However, I turn on skype the next day, and I'm bombarded with messages telling me to do the challenge. This really overwhelmed me, but then I realized it was an opportunity. 

Glo realized how much of a sticky situation I was in, and she came to my help, and told me she would be with me until I finish it if she needs to. Ultimately I wouldn't have been able to finish the challenge if she hadn't helped me. She also played it up as if I stepped up for the team last second and made an impact. I still can't tell if she did this from the goodness of her heart, or if she did it for strategic reasons. But, I do think it was moreso strategic, because she did mention that after she helped me as much as she did, that we would have to be aligned. So because of that, her actions don't really mean as much to me as it should, and I will take out Glo if it's necessary and beneficial for my game.

[paleconda]

blog- 9th february.

i- as an american doing pretty damn well job of pulling off as british- do not like to do american-like things. such having having wet and cringe humour, being unnecessarily loud, being blatantly ignorant on world culture/affairs (no offence), and especially opening myself up. one thing i’ve noticed is that brits always keep to themselves and rarely discuss thier deep feelings and thoughts with other people. they’re not very open to tel you their life story, and i’m the same way.not to say that i’m not down to earth, bc i very much am. i just stay quaint when it comes to public situations. that being said, my journey and story on my sexuality is very personal, deep and complicated, and unfortunately, i feel like i have to go into massive detail on what’s all happened and how it’s impacted me. it’ll make me vulnerable, but easier to understand and empathise with. this is going to be a particularly long read tho.

the date is 07/07/2010. it was the summer before the 7th grade and i had just realised my sexuality only a few months earlier. the worst night of my life. the night my parents found out about my sexuality. i was only 12. but the way the found out was rather quite stupid and embarrassing (no i wasn’t wanking and it wasn’t porn). at the time, i didn't have a phone. and my favourite show would come on at 1 am. but i didn't feel like staying up late, so what i did was borrow my grandmas phone and set an alarm. well in the alarm it had an option for a message. well my dumbass self put “get the hell up you bisexual fucker”. yeah. well, when my grandma went to puerto rico for a funeral, she left her phone bc she wouldn’t have any service over there. and i had forgotten to take off that alarm. so my mom is just going thru the phone (idk why) and she happens to come across it. she calls me downstairs and confronts me about it. after about 10 minutes what seems like an interrogation ( and me not talking, i felt as tho i had no choice but to admit it). they started crying and told me how its never okay even if the world says it is, and they brought up sodom and gomorrah and told me i needed to have a long prayer. my relationship with them hasn't never really been the same since then. so after that, i kinda ignored thinking about my sexuality. i would just go thru my day, occasionally look at gay pictures at night, then go to sleep. then, toward the end of 7th grade, i ended up taking nudes and sending them on http://showyourdick.com (terrible, i know) and they. ended. up. seeing. the. pics. it made things a shit tonne worse. i was still closeted at school, i had been accused of being gay as early as 4th grade, before i even knew i was gay (im actually bi/pan, but lets just use the word gay for now). fast foward to the beginning of 9th grade (late 2012). i had already been stanning nicki for almost a year, but i was still closeted. i also had a tumblr account(not this one). not only did i still kinda feel bad about being gay, but i was terribly insecure as well. i ended up starting to cut myself around late September. but for a while it was only on my thighs bc i didnt want anyone to see. later, in january 2013, i was feeling really depressed one night, and i kinda went on a cutting tirade. (trigger warning) i even cut my arm. i remember feeling the warm blood running down my leg and feeling dizzy, with my ears fogging up and nearly passing out in the bathroom. this next part may sound wierd. maybe its just me, maybe it was the fogging in my ears, idk. but i remember hearing nickis voice, almost aloud, and she said Stop. crazy init.  the next morning, i got really scared, bc my sleeve wouldn't completely cover up the scars. well, one of my teachers saw (i still dont know who) and reported it to the office, and one of the guidance counselors called my parents and told them. another really bad day. the next day, my guidance counselor called me down, even the principle came in the room. they told me they were sending me to a place where i would have therapy. i agreed to it, but i wasnt aware that i would be forced to spend 3 nights there. its called being Baker Acted.  the deputy at my school called my mom and told her where they were taking me but they didn't tell her i was required by law to spend 72 consecutive hours there. so when she came to pick me up that night, thats when she found out. needless to say she was crying. alot. and as if it wasn't bad enough, it just so happened to be her wedding anniversary.  i end up relapsing 2 more times after that whole ordeal. the last time was march 9th, 2013. so things temporarily improve for the summer. i ended up (finally) coming out to my closest friends. but i never made a big deal out of it. like i never made a big post on facebook or IG or anything. I kinda just let people figure it out and have their own assumptions. so september rolls around and i end up getting depressed again (september is always a bad month for me) but i promised myself i wouldnt cut myself again. so i end up overdosing. alot. 7 pills at a time. (it was just vyvanse tho, its not like it was percs or oxycodone.) so my parents went thru my texts and they found out about what i was doing and thats when the trust begins to deterioate again. they would always take away my phone at night. they said its bc of some report they saw on the news where having your phone in your room while your sleeping is unhealthy (which.. they were right. but it’s ovbious that wasn’t the real reason they took it.) it was bloody annoying. but back then, they would only take it on school nights, and sometimes i would sneak it back, and although they got mad, they wouldn't really do anything about it. also, as you could’ve probably guessed, i had downloaded a couple of gay apps because i was curious. the first time i downloaded grindr, i was in the 8th grade. and it wasn't the only app i would download. there was also hornet and jack’d. well, theres this one guy who i ended up talking to. and i end up sending nudes to him on kik. and my parents end up going through my kik. this was in december 2013. my horny self was just tryna hookup. welp. they see the messages. things go downfuckinghill fast. they barge into my room, one second they're yelling at me shoving the screen in my face and then the next thing I know my dad is shoves me down and kicks me multiple times, and my mom ends up calling the police and filing a report. to say it was traumatising is an understatement. but because it's kik, theres not much they can do. this renders me phoneless all the way until june of 2015. and at this point i wanna take a little bit of a detour. bc i almost feel as though my life as a normal teenager has been robbed.

some of you may ask why i didn’t move in with relatives or just file a report to social services.

they wouldn't let me. and bc they're broke and aren't good at finances, that's what they (we’re) doing anyway. my family is living with my grandparents for like the 4th time since i was born. so they change the password in my phone and im only allowed to use it when they say (this is february 2014, roughly) and i have to be in the same room as them. and then in march, something goes wrong with my phone and it wont read the SIM card. so now i can't even call or text.  things just didn’t get better that year. its summer 2014, and now they suddenly change the password to my laptop. (they still won't tell me the password). i started crying and begged them to change it back. so they did. but just a month later, on July 11th, they change it. and its stayed that way. so now its june of 2015. they buy me a new phone, but they said there are "rules for having the phone" and they take it away every night. well, in november, i had downloaded grindr. theres this feature on my phone where i can hide an app, but one day, back in november, i forgot to hide the app. so they saw it. and they didn't even open the app (it was password locked) and i refused to give them the password. so now im phoneless.... again. and this time they wouldn't even let me use it... at all. so i went back to having to use my grandmas phone and computer to log onto Twitter. for the longest time, i could only be on twitter from 4-8pm on weekdays bc thats whenever i had access. fast foward to april 2016 and im taking a college class across town. all of a sudden, my mom hands me my phone, and im shocked. she says im only having it on a "limited basis". so for about a month, im only allowed to use it outside the house, but they eventually let up. every once in a while, we still get into an argument about it.  may 2016: its time for me to choose what college to go to. my mom had made me apply to a christian university about 30 miles away. i didnt wanna go, but the other college i had been looking at had ran into financial trouble, the big public university in my city didn't accept me, and i didn't wanna go to a community college. plus, the christian university (southeastern University) offered me a bunch of money in scholarships. and i honestly felt forced to go. by august of 2016, things start to drastically change. most of it is in a good way, but there are still some things that are... iffy, for lack of a better term. i’m beginning to lose weight and my grades are actually good for once, but my phone is still taken way at night all the way to december, when they finally stop. then in january 2017, i am finally able to buy an iphone. at this point, everything sort of catches up to the previous post. there’s still loads for me to explain but this is enough for now.

on a side note, it’s amazing how different things are for me now after looking back at all that. i still can’t believe that we are in 2019 and that i graduated high school nearly 3 years ago. i’m gobsmacked at how much i have changed since then. it’s a lot to ponder on. and i’m glad to say that i’m currently at the happiest place i’ve been in for years. maybe ever.

end.