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about-faces · 4 years ago

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The director Joel Schumacher has passed away, and everyone's reactions have boiled down to two topics: 1.) "He was the guy who made the bad Batman films," and 2.) "Hey, he did lots of great films besides the bad Batman films!"

Thing is... I get it. I remember being a teenage comic fan in the 90's. Not just any comics: especially Batman! But ESPECIALLY Bart especially Two-Face. I remember how "Joel Schumacher" was a name that could invoke white-hot rage in myself and everyone in the fandom. He was our modern equivalent of Dr. Fredrick Wertham, the boogyman who had (far as we were concerned) single-handedly destroyed the mainstream credibility of superheroes.

Look at that picture, and try to imagine that this was the face so loathed and mocked by Batman fanboys in the 90��s.

Never mind that Schumacher didn't WRITE the Batman films. The main credit for that goes to Akiva Goldsman, who has gone on to win an Oscar and continues to find A-list success despite ruining other geek properties like Jonah Hex and Dark Tower. Never mind that Schumacher was at the mercy of producers who wanted the movies to be nothing more than merchandise machines and toy commercials. No, Schumacher was the only name associated with the films, and he was cast at the villain.

The fact that he was openly gay played no small part in making him an easy target.

One year after the disastrous release of the infamous Batman & Robin, the beloved fan-favorite cartoon Batman: The Animated Series (then rebranded as The New Batman Adventures on the WB network) produced an episode that featured a pointed jab at Schumacher. The episode was titled "Legends of the Dark Knight," a reworking of a classic 70's Batman tale where a group of kids share their own ideas of what the mysterious Batman is really like.

Halfway through the episode, the kids are overheard by another kid, who shares his own ideas about Batman. The kid, whose name is Joel, has long dirty-blond hair, and works in front of a store which bear the sign "Shoemaker," despite clearly being a department store. He waxes dreamily about the reasons he loves Batman: "All those muscles, the tight rubber armor and that flashy car. I heard it can drive up walls!"

This last line--a reference to a silly bit in Batman Forever--he says as he flamboyantly tosses a pink fur stole around his neck. To drive home the joke, one of the kids dismisses, "Yeah, sure, Joel."

At the time, it seemed like a cathartic joke for us REAL Batman fans. Now, it's clearly just cheap and gross. Instead of any actual criticism about the films, Joel Schumacher was just seen--even if just subconsciously--as the fruit who ruined Batman.

Over time, the hatred for Schumacher lessened. Starting with Blade, X-Men, and Spider-Man, on through to Batman Begins, Iron Man, and onward, superhero movies became huge mainstream successes, with greater fidelity to the source material than most adaptations we saw up to the time that Schumacher "killed" the superhero movie. There was no point in hating him anymore, if there ever was (again, Goldsman more deserves that ire, if you're gonna be angry about anyone. Why does he still get work?! WHY IS HE NOW WRITING FOR STAR TREK?!?!).

But even still, especially among Millennial and Gen-X fans, Schumacher is still--at best--considered a low point for fandom. Even though the same generations have come to appreciate and love some of his other films, such as The Lost Boys, Phone Booth, and the chillingly-prescient Falling Down, there's still this need for people to dismiss the Batman films as embarrassments that are best forgotten in favor of Schumacher's better films. And if they're to be remembered at all, it's to trash them all over again in a tone suggesting that the films are objectively, irredeemably bad.

Except they're not. Oh sure, if you go in looking for a grim and gritty capital-M "Mature" take on Batman, of course you'll hate them, just like you probably also hate the Adam West Batman show. Remember, that show also used to be hated by decades of Batman fans because of how it didn't take the comics seriously.

... except it did. The show was VERY faithful to the Batman comics of the 50's, which often out-weirded and out-sillied its TV counterpart. If anything, the show made some of those stories even more entertaining with camp value and jokes that added different levels of enjoyment to the adults watching. Comic fans resented how Batman became a pop culture joke, and increasingly fought against anything that was colorful and campy (which makes me wonder if this might also be related to latent homophobia). Whether or not they admitted/realized it, the Batman fans of the 70's and 80's carried a chip on their shoulder about a show that DARED to make Batman FUN.

And really... how is that any different than Schumacher's two films?

You don't have to agree, but I think Schumacher's films are fun. I think Batman Forever is highly entertaining, that Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey are bringing their hammy A-games as much respected actors like Burgess Meredith and Caesar Romero brought to their roles. Same goes for Arnold and especially Uma in Batman and Robin. They KNOW what movies they're in, and they're all having a blast.

(How many of us remember the exact line Eddie says at this moment? I bet you probably do too, which should tell you something about how memorable this movie is)

Now, BF and particularly B&A are by no means GOOD movies, but you can't tell me that you couldn't have a blast putting the latter on at a party and riffing it with friends. It's not a pretentious, ponderous, self-serious slog like, say, the shit Zack Snyder cranked out (apologies to the one or two cool Snyder fans here, I just find his films interminable). Even besides the many things I could say to defend Schumacher's Batman films (that's a whole other essay), you can't say they were boring. They were entertaining, even if on a level of making fun of the film, and that is NOT as easy as it looks.

Let me put it to you this way: Batman Forever has, objectively, one of the worst takes on Two-Face I've ever seen. He's one-note, he's kind of a rehash of Nicholson's Joker, he gets completely overshadowed by the Riddler, he gets killed by Batman in a way that completely betrays the whole “DON’T KILL HARVEY” arc with Robin, and worst of all, he CHEATS on the coin toss. That alone would be enough for me to condemn this depiction in any other Two-Face story.

And yet, even I--the most passionate, opinionated, and picky Two-Face fan you will EVER know--still have a soft spot for Tommy Lee Jones' take on ol' Harv. He’s just too fun, too flamboyant, too damn extra not to love. If only all bad takes on Two-Face could be this fun!

But that’s the thing: it’s not because the script was good. Oh god no. I've read the script, and if it were put on the page like a comic, I would have hated it just like any other bad Two-Face comic. I have to imagine that, as director, Joel Schumacher deserves the bulk of the credit for pushing the restrained and laconic Tommy Lee Jones into that oversized performance, and making it a delight to watch despite everything it does wrong.

I'm rare for my generation to have learned how to stop worrying and love Schumacher's Batman. But the younger generation, the up-and-coming Gen-Zs getting into Batman, don't share the same grudges we did. There's a genuine, shame-free enjoyment of those films among The Kids, many of whom are LGBTQA+, who love the jokes, the silliness, the camp, the Freeze puns, the swag of Uma Thurman, and the homoerotic subtext between Two-Face and the Riddler. Maybe it's just a reaction to so much GRIM, SERIOUS shit that DC and their fanboys are trying desperately to push even today.

But comics--especially Batman--have a long history of colorful, stupid, fun shit. Schumacher's films carried on in that tradition, and they should be appreciated on their own merits by those of us who aren't limited by narrow ideas of what Batman "should" be, and who still remember how to have fun.

Schumacher's Batman films should no longer be seen as embarrassments. They didn't ruin superheroes. They didn't ruin Batman. They didn't even ruin Two-Face. Nor should they be disregarded in favor of Falling Down, like losers in a respectability competition. They're fun. They're entertaining. And they didn't pretend to be anything else.

And if you still think they're bad... I mean, objectively, you're not wrong! But be mindful of the reasons WHY you think they're bad, because on another subjective level, you may not be right either. And it's certainly not worth holding a geek-grudge over after twenty-five years.

#batman forever #batman ampersand robin #long post #homophobia #slur

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ultrahpfan5blog · 4 years ago

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Rewatching JJ Abrams Star Trek trilogy

First some context. I am not a hardcore Trekkie. I have seen some of the older Star Trek shows but I have genuinely never followed Star Trek until the first movie of the trilogy came out, which led me to Star Trek: Discovery and Picard that I do follow.

That may give you a context to why I unabashedly love this trilogy. I think its genuinely one of the more consistently entertaining trilogies in the new millennium. While I obviously don’t put it on the same pedestal as TDK trilogy or LOTR trilogy, its just a genuinely fun, fast paced, and well cast trilogy.

Star Trek (2009) is just a genuine blast. I think the movie is near perfectly paced because it starts with a bang and never lets up. It also does a pretty good job of setting up Kirk and Spock as the two leads and then gradually assembles the supporting cast over the course of the movie. I think the pace is key to this film’s enjoyment. Its not a particularly deep movie and doesn’t have a ton of big character moments, but the humor and action in the film genuinely work. The cast works big time. Certainly Pine was instantly appealing. I had seen in him in maybe a couple of rom coms prior to this but he was an instant hit for me here. Lot of natural charisma and comic timing. Quinto is also excellent in this movie as Spock and he has a very tricky tightrope to balance to show emotion without showing too much emotion. Karl Urban as McCoy is hilarious and an instant scene stealer. The rest of the cast including Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, Jon Cho, and Anton Yelchin are all instantly appealing though the film is firmly focused on Kirk and Spock so these characters don’t get a whole lot of depth. I will say that Bana as Nero was probably the weakest of the villains in this trilogy, but that has a lot to do with the film being very focused on introduction to the heroes. Bruce Greenwood as Pike was a very welcoming steady presence. Nimoy as Spock Prime is a delight. Even with my sparse background of Star Trek before this movie, it was lovely to see him and he certainly has a few good scenes with Pine, Pegg, and Quinto. All in all a really strong starter to this series. An 8/10.

Star Trek Into Darkness is understandably the most controversial of the series. I had not seen Wrath of Khan when I first saw this movie. Its kind of a tricky thing this film does. Its both trying to be and not trying to be Wrath of Khan at the same time and the comparisons were inevitable. However, irrespective of comparisons, I still really like the film. The pace of this film is not nearly as smooth but the film has a lot more character moments and the ensemble gets more opportunities to step up. Now, I get that have Benedict Cumberbatch playing a character called Khan Noonien Singh might raise a few eyebrows, but he elevates this film so much. This was at the height of Sherlock popularity, when the the first two beloved seasons had released and everyone was going crazy over him, for good reason, and in all honesty he is worth every penny in the movie, chewing scenery with great gusto. Its a pity that advertising spoilt almost every scene he was in, but all his scenes are terrific. Chris Pine also showed much greater depth in his performance, delivering big time on a lot of dramatic moments while continuing to have impeccable comic timing when required. Quinto has comparatively less to do here than in the first film but he steps up during the climax. Zoe Saldana, Jon Cho, and Simon Pegg definitely get more scope here to deliver. All the other returning cast, like Karl Urban and Bruce Greenwood continued to be excellent. Alice Eve and Peter Weller are pretty good as Carol and Admiral Marcus. The action in the film is still pretty entertaining. The dramatic moments in the films work and the film does a nice job of showing the new dynamic between Kirk and Spock. The Spock and Uhura romance also ended up being a lot more enjoyable than I thought it would be. Some of the Wrath of Khan references are a little clumsy and there a few points in the movie where the film drags a little, and certainly the superblood being a cure for death was kind of silly and should have been a much bigger deal, but overall, I still found the film enormously entertaining. An 8/10

Star Trek Beyond is maybe the most Trekkie of the films. I mean, I haven’t even watched a whole lot of the original show and even I have seen episodes where the crew has similar adventures. The strength of this film really lies in the character dynamics. The film splits up the enterprise crew into a few different groups, with Uhura and Sulu together, Kirk and Chekhov together, McCoy and Spock together, and Scotty with newcomer Jaylah. All of these duos work well together. The film is again well paced so its never boring and certainly it has the most entertaining action sequence of the series in the Sabotage sequence. That was silly but damn entertaining. The film also does well to take a breath and give the characters a moment of two to shine. Certainly the scenes between Quinto and Urban are excellent with Urban probably getting the most scope he has gotten in the series. There is also a wonderful moment with him and Pine towards the beginning of the film which really brings home the friendship between them. Pine again is fantastic. Delivering a more weary and weathered performance. I like that the film doesn’t hesitate in bruising him up. He ends the film with a big bruise over his eye. That’s actually one of the things that I love about Kirk’s character over the series. He is not portrayed as this invulnerable action hero. In fact, he gets his ass handed to him constantly throughout the series and symbolically it works that he wins his first fight during the climax of this movie. I liked the mentor/mentee dynamic with Yelchin’s Chekhov. Simon Pegg in this film is a delight. I really enjoy that he fully embraces the character’s scottishness. Jaylah is also a pretty badass character and Sofia Boutella does a really good job emoting through that makeup. Chu, Saldana, Quinto, and yelchin are all first rate. Idris Elba is excellent as Krall. The one things I would hold against the movie is it makes its twist reveal a bit too late to have impact. The film didn’t really need this to be a twist reveal. I think they missed an opportunity to make the villain a lot more heartbreaking. As it stands, it works well enough, but it could have been the best villain is they had given the character reveal earlier and then given the motivations more depth. I also think the tribute to Nemoy after his passing was handled in a lovely manner in film. They handled it in a way where it added something to the character of Spock and the decisions he makes. While the film’s plot is nothing new, it does its characters well enough and the pace and the action continues to be a ton of fun. An 8/10

I do think fans are a bit to harsh on this series at times. I know knocking on J.J. Abrams is common for fans of series which have the words “Star” in it. I certainly think this series kept the brand of Star Trek alive for new fans. I certainly would not have gone on to see Discovery and Picard if I hadn’t seen these movies. So I do think the movies deserve that credit, regardless of what you feel about the quality. I think Justin Lin took on the directing role for Beyond very smoothly and its a shame we won’t get more from this series because this cast was very appealing. But in a way the series ending as a trilogy seems appropriate. I feel the trilogy did end up having a very full character arc for Kirk, who went from cocksure and overconfident Captain in 2009, to a humbling and learning self sacrifice in Into Darkness, to becoming a senior mentor figure in Beyond. Its a damn good character arc in my opinion. Also, it would have sucked to continue the series without Yelchin, who was kind of the baby of this group. So in a way its poetic for this series to end with the whole core group still in tact.

#star trek #star trek into darkness #star trek beyond #chris pine #zachary quinto #jon cho #anton yelchin #zoe saldana #karl urban #simon pegg #james t kirk #spock #leonard mccoy #uhura #hikaru sulu #pavel chekov #montgomery scott

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anotheruserwithnoname · 3 years ago

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What am I looking forward to?

I get asked what I’m looking forward to in terms of entertainment as 2021 trundles along. I thought I’d put together a list of my thoughts of the things I have marked on my calendar (or am prepared to buy, as the case may be!)

Klokkenluider, The Sandman, The War Rooms: Obviously I’d be failing at my duty to not include Jenna Coleman’s trio of upcoming projects! I have a confession - I’ve yet to watch all of The Serpent, too. Hoping for a DVD or (even better) Blu-ray release of that later in the year too. UK has one already. Netflix does release many of its shows to permanent media so hopefully The Serpent will be one of them (ditto Sandman and War Rooms down the line).

Free Guy: the much-delayed video game-based film starring Ryan Reynolds and Jodie Comer. Reminds me of Ready Player One, which was one of my favourite films of the last few years. And it’s the first leading film role for Jodie Comer from Killing Eve and it looks like she might be playing a nerdy version of Villanelle (without all the murdery sociopathic stuff; at least, I assume!).

No Time to Die: Some aspects of the trailers have me concerned, and whenever I hear people talk about “new directions” I get antsy because that rarely ends well. But this is Bond and while there has been the occasional poor 007 film in the past (A View to a Kill and Quantum of Solace are the only Bond films I dislike and avoid; not a bad ratio out of 25) the odds of me liking it are pretty good (hell, I even consider Spectre to be one of the best Bonds ever, and I know that’s unpopular opinion). I was concerned about Phoebe Waller-Bridge being one of the writers due to my opinion that Fleabag is overrated (I know, another unpopular opinion), but that was before I saw her work on Killing Eve. If she brings some of that spirit to the film, it’ll work. Some of the things people are complaining about don’t bug me, especially regarding the 007 designation which belonged to somebody else before the events of the 2006 Casino Royale film and in all likelihood they’ll reboot continuity with whoever follows Daniel Craig anyway so none of that matters. They could kill Bond off and it wouldn’t make a difference.

Lower Decks Season 2: Speaking of unpopular opinion, Season 1 was one of the most pleasant surprises of last year. I think the backlash against Lower Decks is primarily a case that, for many fans, their dislike and disappointment of the current state of the franchise is so high that even if they do something good, it’s rejected automatically. I’ve given up on Discovery, have little interest in Picard (I had good things to say about it last year but it’s not aged well) and don’t care to see Strange New Worlds. So I was prepared to pooh-pooh on Lower Decks (I could have worded that a bit more elegantly; I dedicate that to Seth McFarlane) but, while it’s obviously a non-canon spoof, it still feels like Trek, which I cannot say for the current live-action shows. Basically that means it’s The Orville done for Star Trek. Which is fine, because it works better than Discovery’s and definitely Short Trek’s attempts at Orvilling (which in my opinion was about as entertaining as gerbilling - did I type that out loud?). And I think Beckett Mariner is the most interesting lead character of a Trek series in years. Speaking of The Orville...

The Orville Season 3: It’s in Red Dwarf territory right now in terms of it taking forever between seasons, and I am worried that being on Hulu might make it too edgy and turn away the many who latched onto it because Discovery was too edgy. But I have faith in Seth McFarlane, so eventually we’ll see it. If not, maybe I’ll give Avenue 5 a shot. Oh, and I am expecting Season 3 to be the end. It feels like getting it made - even taking C19 into account - was very difficult this time around and McFarlane sounds like he has a lot on his plate. If it does end, I hope somebody continues it in novel or comic book form (the comics have been incredible - seriously some of the best tie-ins I’ve read in years, and they’re canon too apparently thanks to being written by the show’s producer).

Magnum PI Season 4: It’s a sweet show and I watch it for the Magnum-Higgins ship (which is currently following the Clara-Danny trajectory). And I keep hoping co-star Perdita Weeks is able to recruit BFF Jenna Coleman to appear someday. So there’s that.

Legends of Tomorrow Season 7 and the conclusion of Supergirl Season 6. Another unpopular take is I happen to really like these two CW shows. Supergirl is calling it a day after 6 seasons, with the final season split into two parts, with the second half airing later this summer. Legends is still midway through S6 but has been renewed for a 7th. Both are fun, with Legends literally being the only show on TV that is legitimately unpredictable (seriously, this past week was a riff on Baby Yoda of all things - and no, Beebo was a riff on Furby. Different merch magnet, pay attention.), plus it’s most likely (IMO) the reason why John Constantine the character is unavailable for The Sandman series (which opened the door for Jenna Coleman to be cast as his ancestor Johanna, which is fine by me!).

Killing Eve Season 4: obviously. It’s only because of Jenna Coleman that you’re not getting wall-to-wall Jodie Comer on this blog. If she and Jenna are ever cast together in anything, I might need to call an ambulance.

Peter Capaldi’s debut album. It’s about time! No it’s not, that would be silly. And I don’t want to thank C19 for creating the circumstances that led to Peter doing a record. But still - a Peter Capaldi album is coming. It just better not be digital-only. I want to see him on the New Release rack at Sunrise Records.

So looks like I have a lot of stuff to occupy my time coming up!

#upcoming entertainment #free guy #no time to die #star trek lower decks #the orville #legends of tomorrow #supergirl #killing eve #new magnum pi #jenna coleman #peter capaldi #lots of fun stuff ahead

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kmlaney · 4 years ago

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Star Wars: 1, 2, 11, 18, 33!

1. Jedi or Sith? To be? Jedi. I don’t know that I’d be a great Jedi but I’d be a terrible Sith. And not like in the fun, hoo-hoo eeevil, you-can’t-do-that! terrible Sith. You know the character in the SI story who Harkun kills right after the intro mission? Yeah, that’d be me. If I grew up Sith and had all the hoo-hoo eeeevil impulses encouraged it might be a different story. As a philosophy or religion? Jedi again. I have issues with Yoda and the way the Jedi are depicted but the core ideals appeal to me far more than the grasping, every-man-for-himself viciousness of the Sith. To write, read, or watch? Sith. The bad guys are fun, okay? Plus it seems a lot of writers have a hard time making interesting good guys who aren't actually bad (but no one knows! They're only pretending! Everyone is obvious-awful or secret-awful! Just like real life! It's edgy!)

2. Rebels or Empire? The Empire might make the trains run on time but I don't want to live there (insert political comment here). Unless you're on the top of the pyramid life sucks. I don't know quite what the OT rebels were fighting for, especially after seeing the prequels, but they seem much nicer to non-humans overall and at least try to be better than awful..

11. Which planet would you want to call home? Going strictly on aesthetics and which ones I've seen depicted... Bespin. A city in the cloud bands of a gas giant sounds cool and it's not like any place on earth I could theoretically move to.

18. How has Star Wars impacted your life? Hugely. I remember standing with my family in lines wrapped around the theater to see Star Wars in 1977. Then again in ‘79 and ‘81. I wanted to be Darth Vader for Halloween. Mom vetoed It because she thought a kid in all-black costume wandering the neighborhood after dark was a bad idea--I still disagree. I had a lightsaber and action figures and a paintable Luke Skywalker riding a tauntaun. I used all my Lego to build an AT-AT. There was a Star Wars comic strip in the newspaper that I read every day and don't remember anything about, other than some images of Nausicaä's Toxic Jungle reminded me of it.

I bought the OT on VHS when they came out, and watched the remastered versions in theaters, and bought those too. I never really got into the novels or comics until I met the person who became my husband. One of our first dates was seeing Phantom Menace on opening weekend. Married, we did the same for Attack of the Clones, which turned out to be pretty much what the leaked scriptment he found online said it was. We ran and played tabletop Star Wars RPGs (in at least 3 different game systems) with John Williams’s score in the background setting the mood. I couldn't get past the tutorial in KOTOR, but we had both games.

When my son was little, we watched the movies and I read the opening crawl to him, like my Mom did for my little brother back in 1977. I found a wonderful group of writers who liked Star Wars and KotOR and were so welcoming, I shared some of my silly stories with them. And they liked them. I liked their stories too. So I kept writing and followed them to tumblr.

I had major obsessions with The Wizard of Oz, Star Trek, and The Lord of the Rings, but I never found those fandoms. Star Wars was everywhere. Everyone liked it. For once I shared a weird obsession with the culture at large. For all the rotten stuff some fans throw up, for as much as the Star Wars fandom can be toxic, and though I don’t like everything in the Star Wars universe, Star Wars feels like friends. Like community.

33. Which movie have you watched the most? At a guess, A New Hope. I know I saw that one five times in the theater during its original run (which was A LOT for my family) and twice during the re-release. The only ones I haven’t watched countless times were the newest ones. I didn’t care for them as much.

#brightephemera #kmlaney answers #Star Wars meme

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titusmoody · 3 years ago

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2021 Q2 stuff

Games

Return of the Obra Dinn -- Very different. A great experience to play, it doesn’t use any typical “gamer” skills or knowledge. It also hit on a lot of my personally prefered sensibilities (stories self-contained to ships, non-linear storytelling, mysteries, and meticulous attention to detail)

Kentucky Route Zero -- Even more different. I’m glad I played it for the atmosphere, though it didn’t click with me the way Obra Dinn did. Extremely atmospheric and cool, but also has a strong academic curiosity to it.

DOOM (2016)-- Okay, we’re back to regular video games. Everything about this one seems very carefully crafted. I had a good, mindless time with this one.

Spider-Man -- Not as well-crafted as DOOM, but also less juvenile. I also had a good, mindless time with this one.

Metroid: Samus Returns -- Feels like Metroid. The moment-to-moment combat is different than Super Metriod and Fusion, which is a nice way to keep things from getting stale.

Shadow and Bone -- Sometimes tropes exist because they make for good stories. This show was a good example of that.

Pani Poni Dash -- WTF Japan, in a good way

Princess Tutu -- Much like I felt about Cowboy Bebop, this show was very well-made and I had an easy time appreciating what it was doing, though in the end it’s not the kind of thing that’s really for me

Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid -- Pleasant to watch, mostly lighthearted but could definitely have emotional moments here and there to keep you interested.

Kakegurui -- Shows like this are the reason anime fans are so self-depricating. It was thoroughly trashy, but I’d be lying if I said that the trashiness didn’t lead to a lot of fun.

Love, Chunibyo, and other Delusions -- An excellent comfort-watch. About a high-schooler trying to run away from his cringe-y middle school phase. I definitely have criticisms of it, but I’m also definitely going to watch it again.

Devilman Crybaby -- I swear, Masaaki Uasa takes the most overdone premises and portrays them in such bonkers ways that they become pretty cool. This isn’t one of the best examples of that, but it still works.

Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket -- Part of Gundam’s brand is that it shows the effect of wars on individuals. This is a great small-scale example of that.

She-Ra -- It’s good. The plot kinda meanders and the backstory lore is presented confusingly/unclearly at times. But the central characters are good enough to carry at least a few seasons, and the secondary characters really elevate the whole thing. I was personally very fond of Scorpia as well as the way the writers used Entrapta both in the plot and as a character foil.

Chernobyl -- Second time watching this, it’s definitely a favorite.

Movies

Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again -- You already know what this is like and whether or not you enjoy the sort of thing it is.

Moulin Rouge -- It’s hard to watch Mamma Mia without thinking of this one, so I watched it soon after.

Minari -- My personal reward for being fully vaccinated was to go to the movies by myself. This was a good movie, though overshadowed by the circumstances in which I saw it. I would’ve been very happy to be seeing anything.

My Fair Lady -- An iconic pop-culture touchstone. Not my favorite musical, for sure.

Interstellar -- This movie is in the odd position of currently being my favorite Christopher Nolan movie despite the fact that I don’t like it nearly as much as I liked either The Dark Knight or Memento when I saw those for the first time.

The Perfect Storm -- George Clooney, big wave.

Legally Blonde -- I didn’t hear the term “sitcom” until oddly late in life, and when I heard it, I assumed it meant movies like this where there aren’t a ton of jokes, but the characters are constantly in inherently funny situations. I don’t like this type of humor that much.

Jurassic Park -- A big “moral” of the movie was “don’t trust computers to do anything important” but today it’s hard not to get the message as “never underpay your system administrator” instead.

Apollo 13 -- Pretty good

ET -- I really didn’t like this movie and I don’t quite know what it doesn’t do that Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones do. Imminent danger seem to be part of it, but I don’t think that’s the whole picture.

The Day After Tomorrow -- *shrug* I had fun watching it

Pearl Harbor -- expected it to be bad, it was bad. It was definitely bad in interesting ways, and was almost good a lot of the time.

Die Hard -- I was looking for suspenseful movies with clear character motivation and this fit the description. It was good, though I didn’t like it quite as much as I hoped to.

Star Trek V -- Star Trek is often silly and I just can’t get on board with some of the silliness, like the last part of this movie.

Terminator 2 -- Yeah, I do like suspense. I don’t think I’ll look back on this as a favorite, but I was pretty into it. Moreso than Die Hard.

Cast Away -- Pretty good

Predator -- Somewhere between Die Hard and Terminator 2. I was a bit bored by the end, which ironically was the part that most closely resembled what I was looking for.

Braveheart -- I think romanticising medieval Europe is fun and cool. Unfortunately this movie has some creepy sexual hang-ups as well as rampant “no step on snek” energy that ruin the whole thing.

Redline -- Just a cool looking movie

State of Play -- I forgot the whole plot of this already, but I enjoyed it

Troy -- It’s not as bad as its reputation suggests, though the end does get really over-the-top cheesy

Demon Slayer -- I liked going to the movies by myself so much the first time that I did it again. This time it was in a much more full theater and I was one of very few people over 17. Fun action anime movie, though.

Gladiator -- I’m so disappointed that I didn’t connect to this movie, since over and over I felt like I was very close to loving it. I think the revenge motivation was what ultimately prevented me from really getting into it.

K-19: The Widowmaker -- Hell yeah, extremely tense submarine scenes, that’s exactly what I wanted.

The Manchurian Candidate (2004) -- The movie felt like it wanted its premise to feel plausible, but it really didn’t. Still pretty good, though

The Big Lebowski -- Still not a big fan of this one.

The Naked Gun -- This confirms that my sense of humor has not gotten more refined since age 17 or so. I still thought this was pretty funny.

Dances With Wolves -- Mostly just boring.

Angels and Demons -- Even at age 15 the book’s riddles and clues premise felt a bit too contrived. The movie has the additional disadvantage that verbal explanations are the most boring way to resolve questions, unlike books where words are all you have.

Chinatown -- Meh, a fine detective story but nothing really clicked with me. The director’s life is wild, though. He escaped the holocaust, had his pregnant wife murdered by the Manson family, and is currently a fugitive from justice for raping a 13 year old.

The Core -- Like The Perfect Storm, appealing in the “so bad it’s good” way.

Porco Rosso -- Think the type of character study of Kiki’s Delivery Service, but about a middle-aged man, so it doesn’t resonate with Miyazaki’s audience enough for many people to talk about it.

Uncut Gems -- My second time watching it, it’s definitely a favorite. Between this and A Serious Man, I seem to love extremely stressful movies about mediocre jewish men.

The Manchurian Candidate (1962) -- Interesting to compare/contrast with the other version. I like both

Galaxy Quest -- another movie that fits my personal definition of what “sitcom” should mean. Again, not my favorite type of humor

Fantastic Planet -- Looks like something between the animated sketches in Monty Python and Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Very weird, it personally really worked for me.

Scarface -- I think romanticising organized crime is fun and cool.

In the Heights -- colorful, catchy, happy and fun.

Books

The House in the Cerulean Sea -- a good comfort-read. very simplistic and a little clunky and amateur-ish, but ultimately pretty cute.

There There -- not a comfort-read at all. A super raw look at the modern life of a variety of Native American situations. Very harsh but also interesting.

Six of Crows -- Fine YA fantasy fluff.

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soaringsearingphoenix · 5 years ago

Note

Soft asks prime numbers?

Goodness, y’all and your prime numbers. Okay

2. what’s your feel-good movie?

Everything that’s coming to mind is campy sci-fi. That’s genuinely the majority of what I choose for myself to watch. Jurassic Park is good. Sharkboy and Lava Girl is like, genuinely imprtant to me. War Games is one of the rare movies I consistently think of when asked to list favorites so I think I ought to include it... This isn’t a movie but I’ve spent a lot of idle time watching Star Trek.

The handful of like, mid-2000s kids movies starring Dwayne the rock Johnson are also probably a safe bet. Journey, The Game Plan, that sort of thing. You bet i’ll watch those.

3. what’s your favorite candle scent?

I have a couple of delightful candles given to me by friends (or bartered for from them), one being Green Apple and the other being a little Pumpkin Pie scented tea candle. I’m a big fan of those.

Other than that I tend to go for earthier smells over floral or “fresh” ones. More wood and peat and coffee type smells, and less “ocean breeze” or “spring meadow” kind of scents — not even so much because those aren’t scents I like, as because lighter scents never quite smell like what they’re named for. I do love earthy smells in generall, but candles specifically make smells heavier, so I think I tend to favor already heavier smells. Spices are good for that as well.

5. who do you feel most you around?

People I know i can sit with and not talk, or be in a room together doing different things comfortably. Which is not to suggest that these are more valuable than relationships built in mutual experiences or interests. I wouldn’t change the nature of my existing friendships, they exist as they are and I cherish them as they exist. It’s just that I feel very at home in a relationship based on reciprocal inaction, and i feel a bit more ‘in public’ and outside of my resting state when a gathering is centered around having a purpose for meeting, even if it’s just to Hang Out. There’s a difference between Hanging Out and just being in a room together without expectations, which I find hard to elaborate on. It’s rare that I spend time with a person who both shares this preference and with whom i have enough mutual comfort to reach that point, though

7. what color brings you peace?

Green. Color of outside. Just drop a pile of leaves on me thank you

11. what’s your ideal date?

Honestly I can’t imagine a context for spending time with someone that isn’t also just how I most enjoy spending time with my friends. Walking together, or going to a museum, or seeing a movie, or getting some coffee, or going out stargazing. That sort of thing. I have done all of the above in a platonic context and most of it in a romantic context except for meeting up for coffee, for no reason other than lack of convenience.

I would do this with a friend but I do really like thematic hangouts. Dates that prompt you to dress up, maybe. I’m not one for putting a lot of thought into my outfits but I’m a lot more into it if there’s a character and mannerisms that go along with it. I like dressing up to be silly. Going to a nice restaurant and dressing up and just embodying the fine dining experience. Going to a zoo dressed like you’re exploring unknown wilds. Going to a museum and posing like the statues, maybe wear a layered outfit or bring some colorful scarves, and try to match your wardrobe to as many paintings as you can. Wearing all your most fluttery clothes and going out to fly kites.

There’s a restaurant near me with salads that have names like “pink lady” or “fisherman” or “ceo” or “super greens” something, i dont know exactly, but since I saw the menu the first time I always wanted to get a group of friends together, look at the menu ahead of time, and then all dress the part of one of the salad names, and then order the one we were dressed as. The Pink Lady would wear a dress and a feathered hat and like, a fake string of pearls. The CEO would be in a suit, pretending to take an Important Business phonecall, and say “ok i gotta go” and hang up to order the salad. That sort of thing. I think it would be really fun. Though if you didnt have a big group, you could just do the two of you and make a regular habit of it. The salad place is across from a theater. You could make it, like, your date night tradition to dress as the name of a salad and go to dinner before the movie. I think that’d be fun.

13. what’s your comfort food?

Ice cream. Pasta is good if i need like... actual sustenance first too. Fries maybe.

17. fairy lights or LED lights?

Fairy lights I think. I like a more diffuse light, whereas LEDs are more... direct, isolated, intense. They’ve got a more sort of commanding presence that draws my attention, whereas fairy lights I notice initially and then they fade to a pleasant backdrop.

19. most important thing in your life?

Having something to be curious about

23. favorite piece of clothing?

I always have a handful of these but right now a notable one is, I’ve got a hoodie I got myself at university that’s really soft. I only wear it around the house or gardening now because I’ve worn a hole in the elbow, but it’s very comfortable and it has a good roomy pocket on the front, at a comfortable height to rest my hands in.

29. morning, afternoon or night?

I talked about this a bit, but afternoon. Really, evening. The part of the day where the sun is no longer visible and it’s just light enough to still comfortably navigate the ground by — “civil twilight” is what that’s called, but it’s probably coincidence that one of my favorite times of day shares a name with one of my favorite bands. I also find the light level of a full or near-full moon very comfortable and very comforting to be out in. And i love the stars and the lateness of staying up. So night is a strong contender as well.

Honorary-not-really-prime bonus question

1.what song makes you feel better?

My current wake-up song is Sabotage by The Beastie Boys, my current mood reset song for when I’ve had a stressful workday and don’t want to bring it home or when i watch/listen to something unsettling and want to clear it away is Love On Top by Beyonce, and my current evening restful mood song is Northern Ballad by Andrey Vinogradov; though I tend to let it play into other songs on the album too, I list that one because it’s the one I first heard by him (and also the one i actually know the name of off the top of my head lol). These are all good

Thanks for asking!!

#long post #long post cw

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smillingcartoonist · 6 years ago

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TV Shows That I Watched in 2018

A bunch of shows that I saw only one episode.

I have different reasons to drop out some of this show most of them is because It just didn't ring right with me. The first one I guess it was the Grant Morrison comic adaptation 'Happy' it was kinda fun, maybe I should watch the rest since it is on Netflix now ! The new Devilman anime was another one off ! Mostly because I kept reading the comics and I saw no sense into watch something that I just read and it was gonna be the same exact thing but with some differences ! also another anime was that B whatever that was terrible, and I saw the first episode of Final Space, it was fine but is not for me, it was like it was trying to hard to be funny and I can't care for that !

Black Mirror (Season 4)

Not as good was the last season, but still have some good episode, like half is good and the other half is meh ! I liked the most of them but the best one was the Star Trek parody one, and the most boring was the one after that, the one with the Daughter with a video cam in her brain, that one was way to dramatic for my taste ! Did kinda liked Metalhead there is pretty interesting stuff in that episode, it also weird that there is a episode that links all the other episodes in one shared universe ! like almost everything seems to happen on their on place, but ones says that no ! everything happen in one place, I Know that there is subtle hints of that on some episode, but I’m not one to look after that !

Adventure Time (Season 1-7)

I wanted to Watch all seasons in almost half of this year, but I couldn’t, because I get easily distracted sometimes and I’m Lazy, I managed to finish the 7º season in time to end to write this ! I Not one for care about all this cartoon shows that fan art appears on that god awful Radar, but this was like the last modern cartoon that I watched when i was a Teen, and so this year i decide to catch up to it and I realized that this year was gonna be the last season of the show ! talk about luck. But anyway, this was the most enjoyable thing that I watched this whole year ! re watching the first season make me realize how much cynical they are, like there is this episode where they go find a crystal in the middle of the woods with Tree Trunks and a lot of silly cartoon stuff happens and then at the end they find the goddamn apple and Tree Trunks bites it and explode ! it’s like the whole episode was this joke and that ending was the Punchline !

I guess it’s around season 5 when everything get really existentialist Are you dreaming this Universe Finn ? or are you a butterfly dreaming being a human boy and land made of candy ? it’s weird this children show passing this topics that don’t even go though the head of most people, like they own Mortally or something like, but it’s incredible to see how mature the show get across the time, everything begins with this silly crazy LCD cartoon show and go evolving and taking on more mature themes, the characters also evolve, like you see Bubblegum is this lovable character at the beginning and then you realize she is actually a Control freak maniac ! the character arcs are really nicely done in this show ! and also the own mythology of show is build up nicely, but there is some weird message that i get from this show, like some things are inevitable, Finn losing his Right arm in all of his lives, the end of the world ! there is some pretty eerie stuff in there ! man Love this show !

Also for reason one these i was Think about that scene with David Bowie in Fire Walk with Me but I replace all the character with the ones from this show ! Finn was Cooper of Course, Magic Man was Bowie, I Though that the whole FBI should be form by the wizards. Maybe I why work on that someday, Twin Peaks but the characters of Adventure Time ! That should be fun ! we live inside a dream.

The End of the Fucking World (Season 1)

I Think I describe the trailer for this was the Murder version of Moonrise Kingdom, and after watching I Think I was kinda right, it was based on a graphic novel that Will probably never see the light of where I live ! It was one the best series of this year for me ! You have two oddballs one think he is a psychopath and the other is rebellious Teenager and both of them go out on a journey of disasters ! It has nice sense humor and soundtrack too is nice, mostly composed of music that I probably have listen at least once and never knew the name ! I Though it had Sonic Youth in the middle of that, but It wasn't it was another band ! I do wonder how the next season is gonna be ! some Prison Break stuff maybe ?!

Jessica Jones (Season 2)

A Much weaker season then the previous,but still watchable ! I like seeing Krysten Ritter as Jessica, I Enjoy most of it the only thing I Kinda didn’t like was the whole thing about her Friend being jealousy of her for not having super powers, that diminish so much about that character ! Also the Villain was kinda of OK, Jessica psychopath mother, in comparison to David Tenant in last season ! Tenant appears in one episode in this season as Ghost and Think that was the most enjoyable episode of this season ! This was also the only show that got saved from being Cancelled from netflix, I don’t really know if that good or bad !

The Rain (Season 1)

One of the most boring show that I watched in this year, I really don’t know why I watched everything ! Does even anything in this show make any kinda of sense ?! I suppose this was to be something like the walking Dead,but in Denmark, and on the place of zombies there is a Killer Virus mixed in the rain and some incredible boring and stupid people ! and really dull story ! so I don’t Really care about it !

Dennou Coil (26 Episodes)

The Only anime series that I care to finish ! It’s about a bunch of kids that use a glasses to see through some kind of virtual reality, but also it’s about dealing with Grief of dead relatives ! most of the show is this straight forward narrative that get’s kinda of rushed in the end, but the stand out of this show was the one-shot episodes, those are really good, especially the one where they grow beards that are actually a bunch of sentient hair virus thing ! I wish that more of this show was just this type of one shot episodes, I think that the original Idea was kinda like that ! specially when you see the conceptual art for the show !

The Alienist (Season 1)

A Good first season for a show that can get better ! I Really like the concept of this, a Psychologist create a crack team to play Sherlock and find a serial killer, I really like the first episode but everything after that was kinda of average, good performances in general, but most of the other story lines I Couldn’t care less about them, Expect from the main one that was the serial Killer that was killing boy prostitutes in the streets ! pretty big shock of culture that come of that, Like “Really that happen before ?! Damn ! Thank god I don’t Live on that time”

Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam (5 or 6 Episodes)

I Think this year I discover that I might really not like anime, I Wanted to watch all of this, but I end up not really caring about it so much the more I watched, and I at some points I barely wanted to continue, I don’t Think that it was bad, I Think it just me ! Maybe was my mood at the time, i stopped after watching 6 or 5 episodes, maybe I Get back at watching this, I still Think that Giant Robots fighting is a pretty awesome concept.

Banana Fish (5 Episodes maybe)

Another one that I just dropped because I just didn’t care about it, I think it begins great but I kinda lost interest in the way, I guess it’s good but just not for me ! So year ago I try to read the manga and the same thing happen !.

Atlanta (Season 1 & 2)

One of the people that I follow keeps saying how good this show is and saw it was on Netflix, so I decide to see if was that good ! and it is ! I Don’t even like hip hop that much, actually I don’t Like Hip Hop Point, but really didn’t think that this show would be of the quality that it is ! So intelligent and funny, Donald Glover is really something else.I watch most of the second season while trying to do a Essay that really didn’t wanna do it , I Think I finish both of them at the same time I guess. I can’t to see the next season, hope they give more episodes to Darius, that is the best, the actor is pretty great to, he was on that Death Note Movie, I guess that there he was really bad !

The Hollow (Season 1)

One day I was browsing in the netflix catalog and find this show, that was just there ! I decide to watch because why not ! I Think I already said what I though about, it’s a really fun show with a terrible ending, It’s about three kids that wake up in a white room and they have to figure out the way out and what is happening, eventually they learn that are inside of a videogame, but you can figure that out way early ! I suppose this did make quite a success for a show that have no advertising what so eve. Also I think this show is just this one season, I don’t see how either this can go further then what it was !

Preacher (Season 3)

Find Incredible that this show keep getting better and better ! The first season was kinda of Ok, the second was a way better and this one is just even better, I like the way the adapted the angeville arc, Jesse Grandmother was a crazy religious fanatic, but in this series they turn her into a Vodu witch with a phone with a direct line to hell ! also like how they make Jodie and TC more charismatic, in the comics those two are just the worst fucking person to ever walk the earth ! in this one they still complete bastards but still likable ! God this time is not a Yellow buff dude turns red when it get’s angry, But it’s a old man in a Dog costume riding a motorcycle with some tramp ! I mean you kinda have to love the surreal sense of humor of this show ! I Think from everything that happen in this season, the next might be the last one ! I do wonder If gonna see god rip out Jesse eye with his teeth.

Disenchantment (Season 1)

I Though this show was ok, most of the jokes didn’t really landed with me, but still was something nice to pass the time, since I had nothing to do at the time that I watched this ! I Not really the biggest fan of Simpsons and Futurama, but I kinda watch a lot of episodes of this shows, I remember that since we never got a cable TV we watch most of this show on the public channels, at Simpsons will all ways be on a different channel ! or on a different time ! Browsing to channels one day and find that is passing at this one channel at afternoon, the other day It was in another in the evening ! It was kinda crazy ! This show did some kinda of success and got already four seasons ready to be delivered in the following years ! I Think that would happen even if it wasn't successive !

American Vandal (Season 2)

This I have some kinda power over me, because i can’t stop watching, like I watch one episode and I just get so into it that I binge watch almost everything, I don’t really know what it is, well this time they moved from dicks to shit, I don’t really know if that was supposed to be more funny or less, it’s kinda like almost the first season but on a better resolution and a Incredible likable character that is the basket player, there is even a Meta thing about the show being a show in Netflix, is kinda nuts ! anyway still a really solid show, the humor is still not flying with me but the investigation stuff is really what grabs me ! this time the season end with some kinda of moral massage that I totally forgot about, I guess it was about being yourself or some stuff like that !

Maniac (Season 1)

I Just remember the Scene where there is a fat Asian guy playing chess with a pink kaola in a park with no context what so ever ! that enough for me to say that this one the best show of the year ! It’s on me over on the concept of the mind exploration so you end up seeing a lot of crazy stuff that don’t really make sense but they are there anyway ! the show is Cute, it’s about the relationship of this two broken persons and them dealing with their problems, I thing one of the high points of the cinematography that is really interesting, also like the universe they are in, is like a futurist version of 70′s or something is completely crazy, I was watching the first episode trying to figure out what year they are ! also the other high point is Jonah Hill playing the Sweden secret agent in penultimate episode.

Big Mouth (Season 2)

I thing the one of the downsides of this season was not seeing people over reaction to the explicit stuff in this show, this season was even more explicit then the last, I mean some people flip because there was a scene where Jess talk with her vagina in the Mirror, This time they enter in a vagina in that episode of the sexual education lesson, that was the weakest episode of this season by the way ! and there even more gross stuff like that in this. Also this season got more of a story line then just one-off episodes, they introduce a villain to this season, which I kinda like the idea. In Resume I think this season was kinda better then the first.

Castlevania (Season 2)

What everyone wanted a season of castlevania that have more then a hour ! iT have two hours now ! Still amazing as ever, even though the animation was kinda poor on some scene, most when characters are talking at some points the animation become really wonky, but on the fight scenes, whoa ! it’s something else ! Most of the season was focus on the bad guys and Belmont and friends stay kinda on the background for most of the season, I Though that was a really good idea, focus more on the new interesting characters and let the other laid back a little. I also like the whole depressive Dracula thing, give more character them just some megalomaniac bad guy that wants to kill everyone ! the only thing that I wonder is if Warren Ellis is gonna keep writing for this show. I can’t imagine this show having the same quality without his writing !

Daredevil (Season 3)

I don’t really don’t remember if I watched this show before of after I read the Frank Miller run on Daredevil, I Think it was after that, because while i was watching i was starting to remember the things that I just have read ! specially on the second season, it is kinda a ok adaptation, everyone seem to love this show from all the other marvel netflix super hero shows, I thing it is just kinda of ok. This Season was the fall of Murdock, and kinda have to say that the comic was way better, I really don’t like saying that, because I think the only people that say that are complete idiots that want to pose was intelligent or something ! The High point is the fight scenes, those are really well done !

Doctor Who (Season 11)

This was the worst season of this show so far ! No even Kidding, this was really bad, I said one my mega review last year that season 10 was bad, and thinking about it, it wasn't that bad, and the finale wasn’t complete trash, I still don’t like what I don’t like. But this season, damn, we have Jodie Whitaker was the first female Doctor and her first season is a complete mess, everyone though if they got rid of Moffat the show would get better, I don’t see why everyone hate him so much ! he have Up’s and Down’s, But so far Chris Cannibal only have downs ! The main problem is the writing, is so poor ! almost all episodes are either ok or complete garbage, in mine opinion there is only 3 good episodes in this season, the first one, the Rosa parks one and It takes you away ! Cannibal episodes are the worst, the first episode was ok, and then he just got worse and worse, this season Finale was the most boring thing ! I stop caring to whatever was happening in the middle of the episode, Like last time I had something to complain to about the finale, this time I had nothing, because I don’t give a shit !

Whitaker was the Doctor was kinda of ok to me, it seems to me that her acting was really good when they give a Doctor, which are very few ! so most of the time she was saying complete nonsense ! Her characterization of The Doctor was really shallow too, it’s like she was a side character in her on own Show ! it’s Crazy, it’s like they have no Idea what they are doing ! The companions of this season too are possible the worst too, except Graham ! he is a charismatic old man with a actual character, But the other two, Ryan and Yaz, I could do without them ! Ryan is a Complete Dipshit and Yaz is a complete blank slate ! most of her scenes she just kinda there, listing and them she say something, she never really did something in this entire season ! Why have her them ?! also why they are travelling together ?! all of this people have no chemistry what so ever, they try to impose that their a friends, but it seems like they are sharing a cap together !

The Critics have been saying that this season was the best of the show in years or something, and Jodie is the best Doctor ever, and of courser their going to say that, she is the first female Doctor, they going to fill her ball even if she was complete terrible ! also the notes of for this season in IMDB have been the lowest that I ever seem for the show ! It was complete shit show I Think even care about that I have to wait a entire year to get the next season, I Don’t really give a shit anymore ! if we keep getting this kinda of quality for the next seasons I Don’t stop given a fuck about this show !

But on the hand this season re-woken mine fanaticism for Doctor Who and I saw a Bunch of old Episodes, and I end forgetting about that Park Chan Wook series ! Also two Other series that I wanted to see and end Forgetting was Killing Eve and Sharp Objects, also maybe I should have watched the Sabrina show or maybe not I don’t really know.

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drabbles-and-shit · 6 years ago

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The Mailman is Really Attractive and Dean is Smitten

When Dean first saw the new mailman that Saturday afternoon, his body had such an immediate and visceral reaction, he had to excuse himself to his bedroom for a little quality time with his right hand.

Seriously, it was insane; nothing like that had ever happened to Dean. He only figured out that he was attracted to both guys and guys about a year ago, but he’d never even had that sort of response to a girl. And what’s worse? It was one of the best experiences he’s ever had jacking off.

Like, no shit, that mailman was the hottest human Dean ever laid eyes on, and he wasn’t even Dean’s type! Dean had always gone for the petite guys, because you know, he was a dom. Well, with guys he was. He had actually started experimenting letting girls top him, and much to his own embarrassment, he actually really liked it. There was something about someone else being in control that was hot as fuck. But, just girls. He wanted nothing in his asshole, ever, thank you very much. But anyway, even though he only ever had pursued twink-types, the mailman was buff as fuck. He had looked like he was about Dean’s height, and the summer heat-induced sweat made for a uniform that clung to his body just so Dean could see rippling muscle underneath. And the shorts, no matter how silly looking for being as short as they were, let Dean see the legs of either a runner who swims in his spare time or just the legs of an actual Adonis. And his forearms! God, so strong and tanned and--Dean noticed he was developing another situation down south and forced himself to concentrate on gross things like old people making out or his brother Sam’s face. Good, good; the situation went back down.

~***~

An uneventful week later, and Dean was back looking out his front window, shamelessly watching and waiting for the new mailman. He had no idea if he was actually going to come around again; hell, he might have just been filling in that one day for the old guy that Dean normally saw bringing the mail.

But Dean’s curiosity was rewarded, because after about ten minutes of casual spying, he noticed the mailman walking up the sidewalk with his messenger bag over one shoulder, radiating sexual appeal. God, he was just as hot as last week.

Oh my god, wait, he walked by the mailbox and towards the door. He was coming to the door. He probably had a package or something. But not the porno kind. Shit, what if he saw Dean last week? Dean jumped behind his couch as fast as humanly possible and tried to not breathe, because nobody was home. No one. Was. Home.

The doorbell rang, and Dean sucked his breath in and froze. Shit, the TV was on. He had completely forgotten it, and now the sexy mailman was going to know he was hiding like a kid afraid of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and he was going to judge him ughhhh. Suffice to say, Dean was fucking embarrassed.

He waited a solid five minutes before sneaking back to the window and checking the mailman was gone before opening his front door and grabbing the package off the step. His embarrassment was forgotten quickly, because it was his Star Trek phaser from ThinkGeek! Charlie was going to be sooooo jealous, and he couldn’t fucking wait to gloat. He snapped a picture of it and shot it off to her.

Dean: Looks like I win the gayness contest, because I can set phasers to STUN #2fab4u

Charlie: Oh my god, it came!!

Charlie: You had better bring that to work Monday so I can play with it

Dean: Only if you promise to not break it

Charlie: Btw did you see the hottie today??

Dean: Duh where did you think the package came from?

Charlie: DID YOU TALK TO HIM?!?!

Dean: You kidding? No way, Jose

Charlie: Ugh you’re no fun

Charlie: Wait. I have an idea! You should write him a letter and put it in your mailbox so he can read it when he brings your mail!!

Dean: Do you even know me? Charmando, I wouldn’t do something like that if my life depended on it

Charlie: You’re such a scaredy cat, Winchester

Dean: And proud

~***~

Drunk Dean sometimes did things that Sober Dean had to pay for, especially when his best friend/arch nemesis Charlie was involved. They always went for drinks together after work on Fridays, and somehow Dean always ended up being the only one of the two of them that did stupid, drunk person stuff. He was beginning to suspect that maybe she didn’t actually even drink, just pretended to so that she could talk his more malleable alter ego into doing what she wanted him to. Like, just a random example, writing a note to the sexy mailman.

He was going to kill her. Saturday morning met him with a skull splitting headache, and more importantly, oodles of regret. Because yes, he could vaguely remember sitting down with a pen and a piece of paper last night and writing… something. God, he couldn’t remember what the hell he had written. Maybe he had enough time to run out to the mailbox and take it out before it was too late!

Dean pulled on his sweatpants and charged out into the painfully bright midday sun. Despite his body’s many protests, he made it to the mailbox in record time, but it was for nothing, because when he opened it up, the note was gone and had been replaced by what looked like a bill and some coupons for pizza. He couldn’t really be sure, because his eyes felt like he was stabbing them full of needles. He defeatedly walked back into his house and pulled out his phone.

Dean: Dude. What happened last night. Tell me or I’m going to send your girlfriend your prom photos

He waited for a response while chewed discontentedly on a piece of cold bacon from the fridge and sipping a glass of water. He didn’t have to wait for long though, and he soon heard the telltale R2-D2 beep that was Charlie’s text alert noise.

Charlie: You were so plastered, my man. It was wild.

Charlie: I take it you only just woke up and didn’t have time to get the letter out of the box?

Dean: Shit, so that really happened? Dear god, tell me I didn’t write anything too embarrassing?

Charlie: You politely told him you wanted to suck his dick

Dean: I’ve got the picture ready to send!

Charlie: Ugh, fine. No, all you said was that you thought he looked nice and were wondering what happened to the old guy who used to bring your mail. Tbh it was pretty cute. I love drunk you

Dean sighed in relief. It was still as embarrassing as balls, but maybe the guy will think Dean has a kid or something and they wrote it. He can only hope at this point.

~***~

When Dean got home from work Monday evening and opened up the mailbox, his hopes that the mailman would just ignore the letter were proven useless.

Sitting there in the box, on top of a classic car magazine he subscribed to, was a small blue envelope with no stamp and just his first name in rather lovely script in the middle. He ripped it open before he even got inside, because holy fuck, there’s no one who would drive by his house just to put a letter in my mail other than Mr. Sexypants. It read:

Dear Dean,

I’m guessing by your handwriting and subject matter that you’re either a child or a drunk man. If it’s the former, please tell your parents that I am not a pedophile. Please. If you’re an adult and just have terrible handwriting, I’m sorry for touching on a sore subject.

Anyway, Cain, your previous mail carrier, was only working your route temporarily. He actually is one of the higher-ups for the USPS and was delivering mail as a sort of extended vacation from management. Odd, I know.

I appreciate that you think I look nice, and if you’re the adult male who lives at this address, I think you do too. If you’re a child, I’m sure you look nice, but in a non-pedophilic way.

Yours,

Castiel

Oh my god, Dean was in love. Haha, just kidding. He’s not in love; what are you talking about? Totally not in love. Nope, not at all. He lunged inside, pulled off his jacket and tie, and began furiously debating whether or not to tell Charlie about this. On the one hand, she’s his only real friend besides his younger brother, who is constantly busy with lawyer-things. But on the other hand, she would totally gloat about this for the rest of her life. But fuck it, he needs to talk to someone about this, because he never has romance in his life!

Dean: Omg you’ll never believe what happened\\

Charlie: Ooh! What??!

Dean: Mr. Double Stuffed Hotness is named Castiel, and I might want to marry him

Charlie: HE WROTE BACK?!?! It’s fate, my young grasshopper

Dean: I’m gonna send you a pic of the letter he wrote back so you can help me figure out what to write back

Charlie: You had better let me be your best man!! AND let me officiate!!! I’m already planning my speech

Dean: Don’t get ahead of yourself… but I’m actually kind of psyched rn

And so the planning began. Eventually, they decided on a note that read the following:

Dear Castiel,

As you deduced, I was drunk. Don’t worry, I’ll tell my parents you aren’t a pedophile anyway, just in case. Of course, they’re both in their 60s and will probably also assume I’m drunk, but better safe than sorry.

Thank you for saying I look nice, though I can’t imagine when you’ve seen me. I’m normally at work when you bring the mail (around 1:30pm, right?), so have you seen me on a Saturday? Okay, you don’t need to answer, just in case you’re actually a stalker or something. It’s never good to confront the bad guy in horror movies, and I’ve learned my lesson.

Hey, is your name really Castiel, or is that a pseudonym? I googled it, and it’s the name of the Angel of Thursday? What’s so special about Thursdays?

Live long and prosper,

Dean

~***~

Dear Dean,

I’m very glad I won’t be going to jail for calling a child attractive. You can probably hear my sigh of relief from there.

I can neither confirm nor deny when/where I have seen you. Also, are you calling me the antagonist of a horror film? If so, please enlighten me on which one, because I’m rather a fan of being scared shitless, and I’m sure seeing myself as the murderer will make an horror viewing experience even more terrifying.

And yes, my name is really Castiel. Let’s just say my parents were hippies. Many people call me Cas, though, and my siblings call me Cassie. I don’t like my siblings very much.

What about you? Why are you named Dean? Did your parents hope you would create a list of exceptional people? Or perhaps they wanted you to grown up to resemble Dean Martin?

I’m sorry, I don’t know where all that rude sass came from; it’s been a long day.

Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan,

Cas

~***~

Mr. Spock,

I had a girlfriend named Cassie once! Sort that information away for a future test, I suppose. How many siblings do you have? I one brother, and he can be such a bitch sometimes, so I definitely get where you’re coming from.

As it happens, I’m named after my grandmother, Deanna. And I swear to god, if you make fun of me for that, I will, um, do something… I don’t know exactly what yet, but I’ll figure it out, and it’ll be awful, I promise!

So, is it really that hard being a mailman? (You said it had been a rough day.) I’m a mechanic, by the way. If you ever need to know anything about cars, just hit me up, and I’ll be happy to help. For a price… Ha, just kidding. Maybe…

Dammit Cas, I’m a mechanic, not a doctor!

Dean

~***~

Bones,

I find it slightly perturbing that my nickname is also the name of your ex. But I always ace tests, so I guess I’m glad to know it anyway.

I have 5 siblings. I know. Hippies don’t believe in birth control, I guess. But yes, family of 8, from Michael the oldest, down to Sam the youngest. Since I’m on the subject, I suppose I might as well list off all my siblings. There’s Mike, Gabe, Luce, me, Anna, and Sam, ranging in ages from 37 to 21. Oh, I’m the ripe old age of 29, by the way. Not that that matters. Jesus, this entire letter is me talking about my family, sorry.

And no, it’s not hard being a mailman, but it is hard having to take your beloved cat to the veterinarian because they’re refusing to eat, not having bowel movements, and rolling around on the floor, meowing in pain. The poor guy had a blockage and almost died. It was a tough day.

I might just take you up on your offer to help explain things about cars, because I am completely clueless about them. I drive an old clunker that eats gas money like nobody’s business, and I really need to get a new car as soon as possible.

Have you been at the Romulan ale again??

Cas

~***~

Castiel,

I know I signed my last note with a Bones reference, but make no mistake, I am 100% Kirk, and I would appreciate it if you referred to me as such. Thank you for not forcing me to pursue legal action.

Dude, my younger brother is named Sam! Well, technically he’s named Samuel, after our grandfather, but still. Weird. And I’m 32, so that’s cool I guess.

I’m sorry to hear about your cat; that sounds pretty awful. I’ve never really had pets, and I’m actually allergic to cats, but I remember when Sammy’s dog was hit by a car and how distraught he was. I’m guessing your cat is all right now, though? If so, I’m glad. If not, sorry for rubbing salt in the wound.

Dude, do not drive that car. Like, stop it now. Please, for the sake of car lovers everywhere. Take it down to Singer’s Auto Salvage Yard; Bobby is a friend of mine, and if you tell him I sent you, he’ll give you a good price for it, and then you can use that money to buy something that’s not a piece of shit.

*funny Star Trek reference here*

Captain James Tiberius Kirk

~***~

Jim,

Can you sense me rolling my eyes? Because there’s some serious ocular oscillation going on right now in reference to your threats.

And I shortened my Sam’s name, too. His full name is Samandriel. Hippies, am I right?

Yes, my cat is fine, thank Talos. He is my best friend, and I don’t think I would be able to function properly if something happened to him. He’s a black shorthair named Toothless, by the way. Yes, I’m a basic bitch. Bite me.

I’ll try and take your advice about the car. I think my car is actually the automobile form of Sauron’s ring of power, because every time I’ve tried to get rid of it, it talks me into keeping it. I know in my heart that it needs to be torn apart for scraps, that it is taking advantage of me and should be destroyed before it does something terrible, but it’s mine. My own. My...precious…

Oh, my biggest problem is that if I sell her, I don’t know anything about buying cars, so I’m afraid someone will take advantage of my naivete and sell me an equally shitty car for a ridiculous price. Any suggestions?

*I can do this too*

Spock Spock Spock-ity Spock

~***~

Spockity,

God, I wish my parents had been hippies. Instead they were hippos. Yep, I was adopted by a pair of hippopotami at the age of four. Don’t believe me? Ask the Topeka Zoo, and they’ll corroborate my story. (Please don’t actually do that; they might remember me from when I was a teenager and broke in there to try and pet the giraffes.)

And I will never judge anyone for loving How To Train Your Dragon, because that movie was legendary. Toothless is the cutest dragon probably ever, and Hiccup is such a dreamboat.

Um, we definitely need to get rid of that car. Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks! I’m trying to help you. And speaking of helping you, if you find a car and want to know just how swindled you’re going to be, just send me the information, and I can let you know if you should buy it or not!

So… what kind of music do you like? I’m a big classic rock fan, and if you aren’t I will become determined to change that about you.

Can we up switch references? Maybe Princess Bride or something?

Princess Buttercup

~***~

Buttercup,

I find your story inconceivable. But did you truly grow up in Kansas? Personally, I grew up in the wilds of Washington; Seattle, actually.

And good; I would be very upset with you if you didn’t love Toothless and Hiccup, though I must say Hiccup is not exactly my type. I like my men a little older than he (recall that I’m not a pedophile), and I think any man I may date should definitely be my size or larger, or else I might kill them accidentally in bed. Huh, I guess we haven’t really talked about sexuality ever, so sorry if that made you uncomfortable.

I would greatly appreciate it if you would actually send me your phone number or email or something, so I could send you the information on a car I’m seriously considering buying. If you’d rather not hand out such personal information, I completely understand though.

I confess I haven’t listened to much classic rock. I mostly listen to classical music, though I’ve been delving into the genre of lofi hiphop, and I actually really enjoy it.

As you wish,

Vizzini

~***~

Vizzini,

You keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means…

Yes, I grew up in Kansas, a little town called Lawrence to be precise. And the bit about breaking into the zoo was real too, so please don’t report me.

And honestly, I’m kind of in a weird experimental stage with my sexuality right now. I know, that’s supposed to happen during college, but maybe I’m just not a normal guy, all right? Anyway, I think I’ve officially decided I’m bisexual, but who knows? Romance is tiring, but sex is fun, and I don’t really mind who the hole belongs to. Jesus, that sounded awful and disgusting; sorry. I’m not even really like that any more. I haven’t had a hookup for like three months, which has got to be some kind of record. Sorry, this I should stop writing while I have the chance.

Totally send me the deets about the car, man. My number is 1-866-907-3235

Dude, I’m going to indoctrinate you. You fucking need to listen to classic rock; it’s the stuff of gods. Maybe I’ll make you a mixtape or something so you can listen to all the best songs. Weird question: do you have a tape player? I’m kind of old fashioned, so yeah, I’m going to make you a cassette tape with my favorite Zepp tracks on it.

Mahwage, dah bwessed awangment,

The Dread Pirate Roberts

~***~

For some reason, it was taking Cas a long time to get back to Dean. They had kind of worked out an unspoken schedule by this point; one of them put a letter in the box Monday, the other responded by Wednesday, and then the first sent back a response the Friday of the same week. Basically three letter a week for the past month or so. No, that’s not weird or creepy for two adult men to do at all.

Dean had dropped off that last letter on a Monday, but no reply came on Wednesday. He tried to not let it bother him, thinking Cas was probably busy or something. But then there wasn’t a reply Thursday or Friday either, and he started to get a little miffed. The least Cas could have done was to text him now that he had his number, but noooo. Unfortunately, Dean had to be out of town that Saturday, so no confrontation could happen over the 1:30 mail delivery.

The next Saturday rolled around with no word from Cas again, and Dean was starting to get legitimately worried. He would have understood if the guy took some time off maybe for being sick or something, but two weeks? Nobody takes two weeks off, especially without telling their… friend? Suddenly, Dean’s ridiculous number of insecurities started blaring at him. What if he and Cas weren’t friends? What if he didn’t actually mean anything to Cas at all? He probably was just another drain on Cas’ time, and Cas had finally decided he’d had enough and didn’t want to talk to Dean anymore. Hell, he might have requested a different route because Dean was harassing him. Shit, of course all this was too good to be true. Dean never made friends; Charlie was the only acception to that painful trend, and he had no idea why she still hung out with him.

Dean knew those thoughts too well; he knew his own self-loathing always came around and wouldn’t leave until he started thinking about other things. So, he thought about Cas. It was almost 1:30, two weeks since he’d heard from him last, and he decided to camp out at the mailbox and wait for whoever came. He had to know if Cas was all right, at least. The guy was his friend, even if maybe Cas didn’t see him as one.

He didn’t have long to wait before seeing his old mailman (Cain, was it?) peddling a sleek bicycle down the sidewalk with a messenger bag slung over his shoulder.

“Um, hey, sorry to bother you. Cain, is it?” Dean fidgeted, feeling awkward as fuck.

“Yes, that’s me. Can I help you with something?” Huh, okay, Cain seemed like a pretty chill guy. Maybe Dean could actually avoid a panic attack from doing something this wild.

“Uh, yeah. Do you know Castiel? He brought mail on this route for a while? I just haven’t seen him in a while, and I was worried that something happened.” Dean was talking too fast, but he couldn’t help it, okay?

“I know Castiel, and I know he took off a few weeks. Don’t know why though; maybe a vacation or something. I wouldn’t worry about it though, if I were you.”

Oh Dean was gonna worry about it, no doubt about that. Because wow, he was glad Cas was all right and not dead somewhere, but Jesus, what kind of douchebag friend goes on an extended vacation without so much as a goodbye?? So yeah, Dean was going to worry about what he did wrong and why he never could keep friends, and why he was such a fucked up excuse for a human being. Awesome.

~***~

Dean was depressed. Charlie tried cheering him up but to no avail. He was just depressed. He actually took the day off on Monday, because he was such a fucking sissy who couldn’t deal with anything. God, no wonder Cas didn’t care about him. No one should care about him; he was so pathetic.

The doorbell rang. Dean lifted his head from the pillow it had been buried in for the entire first half of the day and decided he probably ought to answer the door, seeing as there was a 98% chance it was Charlie with pie and beer and a chick flick to make him feel better. God, she was too good for him; he didn’t deserve such a good friend.

He pulled the door open and was greeted by the invisible man; wait no, there was a package and a pile of mail on the front step. He sighed and picked it all up, then promptly dropped it all on the floor, shut the door, and collapsed on the couch. He didn’t feel like looking at the mail. He didn’t feel like doing anything except for sleeping. Ugh.

But maybe that package would cheer him up. He rolled his eyes at the tiny optimistic voice in his head and then rolled right off the couch and crawled to the pile of mail. He grabbed package without so much as glancing over the letters, probably all bills, and violently tore it open. Ooh, it was those custom leather-bound journals he ordered off Etsy. One was embroidered with his Hogwarts House logo (Hufflepuff and proud!) and the other matched it but had Charlie’s House (Ravenclaw, more like Raven...dumb! Good one). One of the few things he was ashamed of about being a sissy was doing things like buying matching things for himself and his best friend, or having sleepovers with his best friend, or planning his future wedding with his best friend. ANYway.

Okay, cool, the opening the package plan had worked! Dean was feeling better already. But then he saw it. Underneath the topmost bill was a little blue envelope. Dean’s hand had never moved so fast (yes, never).

Sure enough, it was from Cas. But unlike all the other letters Dean had gotten from him, this one was stamped and had both mailing and return addresses on it. Without stopping to think about what the fuck that could possibly mean, Dean ripped open the letter and read:

Dear Dean,

I am so sorry I haven’t written you in so long. To put it succinctly, my father had a heart attack, and I had to go to to Washington to be with him. The past two weeks have been about family and rekindling our relationships with each other. My father passed away two nights ago, and the funeral was yesterday. I know we never really talk about serious things, but I hope you won’t mind if I tell you this.

Honestly, as heartbroken as I am to see my father pass, I’m grateful that it has brought my family back together. All of us were there with him at the end, all of us were gathered around his bedside as he breathed his last. And he went peacefully, so I’m also grateful for that. I’ll be staying up here for another few days before flying back, and then I’ll be back to work as normal. I put my address that I’m staying at while I’m in Seattle as the return address, but I’ll add my home address too at the bottom of the page; it only feels fair that since I know where you live, you should know where I do too.

Again, I’m sorry if I made you worry at all. I know you might not see me the same way, but you’ve actually become one of my closest friends over the past month. What that says about my personal life? That I’m very awkward and antisocial, that’s what it says.

I hope to talk to you soon,

Castiel

Thank the fucking lord. Dean let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and grabbed his phone.

Dean: Cas is okay!! His dad died but he’ll be back soon

Charlie: Wait, his dad died, but he’ll be back soon? Who is he, god? I mean, Jesus. Whatever, I’m not required to make good religious jokes

Dean: Haha, very funny

Charlie: But yay!! I’m so glad for you!! Maybe now you’ll stop sulking like a little lost puppy

Dean: I make no promises

~***~

As promised, Cas was back by the end of the week, and Dean couldn’t stop grinning when he looked out his window Saturday to see Cas walking up to his mailbox.

He pulled the door open and ran out, unprecedented behavior from the man afraid to make eye contact with girl scouts selling cookies outside the front of the grocery store.

“Cas! It’s good to see you, man!” He went in for a hug, but then it got a little too real, so it ended up being one of those awkward side-hugs that no one really likes but everyone has to deal with.

Cas smiled back widely, and Dean got a little lost in his eyes. Wow, he’d never actually seen Cas up close, and now that he did, he could tell that Cas was actually the most attractive man alive. His ocean blue eyes drew Dean in, and he found himself completely phasing out to the point that Cas had to repeat a question three times before he could respond.

“Sorry, um, what was that?” Was the response. Classic.

“I asked if you were all right; you look a little phased.” No shit, Sherlock.

“Uh yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

“I was a little worried I’d scared you off with my last letter, seeing as how you didn’t write back.” Shit, Dean had forgotten to.

“Fuck, I totally forgot that I had your address. I guess I’m not used to actually properly sending letters, not just putting them in the mailbox.” They shared a quiet laugh before Dean went on, somberly. “I’m really sorry about your dad. My mom passed a few years back, and I know how painful it is.”

Cas smiles sadly. “Yeah, it was rough, but like I said in the letter, it really brought my family together, and I’m sure dad would have been happy to see the impact he had on us.” He paused, and Dean could there was something more rolling around in his mind, so he decided to stay silent and let Cas finish his thought. “It’s funny, he was such an absent father when we were growing up. I know he was different when he and my mom were first married; I think he was a carpenter or something, and he was always at home with Mike and Luce when they were little. But then his business took off, and by the time I was in diapers, he was hardly ever around. Business trips, late nights working, early morning meetings, it never ended. It kind of tore our family apart, bit by bit. First, Gabe ran away when he was 16. He didn’t get in touch with any of us for almost a whole year. Later, he told me he just couldn’t stand to see all the arguing and pain in our family. Then it was Luce, angrily storming off to college and refusing to answer our calls or emails. He loved all of us, his siblings so much, and I think watching dad’s absence affect us younger kids really took a toll on him.”

Suddenly, Cas’ eyes flashed up, and his cheeks grew pink. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I’ve just been standing here, telling you my life’s story. And fuck, I’m on the clock; I really need to run.”

Before Cas could move, Dean grabbed his wrist. “Wait, can you give me your phone number? I put mine in my last letter to you, but I’m guessing you didn’t get that.”

They exchanged numbers as quickly as possible, and Cas ran off towards the next house on his route. Dean grinned as he watched his run away and immediately send him a trial-run text.

Dean: If you gave me a fake number, I’m going to go to your house and shave your cat

Off in the distance (only about 200 feet, to be perfectly honest), Cas stopped and looked down at his phone, and Dean could not hold back a huge laugh.

Castiel: Toothless would kill your sorry ass

~***~

Regina George,

Oh my god, you’re so fetch.

Sorry Cas, I don’t know why, but I really felt like I had to change our theme to Mean Girls. Sue me. (Also, you better have fucking watched Mean Girls, or there will be hell to pay.)

So, my friend Charlie talked me into this, but I guess I kind of agreed with her that I ought to do it. And you can totally say no thanks, not interested, and it’ll be completely fine! But, I was wondering if maybe you’d be interesting in going on a date with me sometime…?

Wow, I am a child. Well, a teenage girl, to be precise. Oh shit, and you keep telling me you’re not a pedophile, so you’re definitely not going to want to go out with me now that you know my true identity. Well this is a fine mess I’ve gotten myself into.

Have you sold that car yet? You should really get on that.

Yours forever,

Amy Poehler

~***~

Mother,

Of course I’ve seen Mean Girls, I’m not that out of the proverbial loop.

And would you please thank your friend Charlie for me? I’ll admit, I’ve wanted to go on a date with you for a quite a while now, but ye ole’ social ineptitude wouldn’t let me ask. Maybe text me when you get this, and we can work out a time/place? Saturday nights are usually best for me, considering I’m always off Sundays.

Please Dean, if you’re a teenage girl, then I am too, and then it’s not pedophilia.

And no, I haven’t sold it yet, because I haven’t decided on a new one to buy yet, because in case you hadn’t noticed, my life has been a little hectic lately. I’ll try and text you the details on the car I’m looking at soon, though.

Fours yorever,

Reginers

~***~

Saturday night is there before Dean can get his shit together. He had frantically texted Charlie minutes after making the date with Cas asking her what he should wear and how he should act and whether he should just run away and never come back. You know, normal stuff.

In the end, he and Cas had decided on meeting an a small burger place near Cas’ place, so Dean knew he shouldn’t wear something too fancy. But he didn’t want to wear just his every minute of every day bluejeans, t-shirt, and flannel combo. So, with some sagely advice from Charlie, he’s decided on his most flattering pair of grey jeans and a button down maroon shirt, freshly ironed. Honestly, not half bad, even by his self-degrading standards. He toyed with the idea of a grey tie with the top two buttons of his collar undone, and decided it was too snazzy for him to refuse.

A 15-minute drive later, he was walking into the restaurant and looking around for Cas. And boy, did he find him. Cas was wearing a tight pair of black jeans, an Egyptian blue button down, and a black waistcoat, and holy fuck, Dean was having another southward situation just at the sight. He repeated the words ‘puss, flesh, old-people skin,’ in his head for half a minute until everything was hunky dory again, then made his way to the bar where Cas was standing.

“You look great, Cas.” Dean grinned when he saw Cas blatantly checking his ass. The good old grey jeans never fail.

“As do you, Dean,” Cas responded, his pupils mildly larger than probably normal.

They made their way over to a small corner booth and waived down a waitress. Adorably enough, they both ordered the same bacon cheeseburger, and in the time it took for their food to arrive, they discussed possible future heart health and how they were both going to die eventually, so it might as well be from eating delicious food.

“Dude, if bacon’s what gets me, I win,” Dean remarked right before taking a huge bite into his burger.

Cas harrumphed in agreement, then moaned around the first bite of his own burger.

Uh oh. Turned out, visual Cas is nothing compared to audible Cas in terms of making Dean’s nether regions all kinds of interested. To put it simply, Dean was sitting at a booth, on a first date, a burger in his mouth, almost completely hard. Awesome.

“Dean, are you okay?” Shit, Cas apparently noticed the panicked look on Dean’s face, and Dean’s face burned red.

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. I, um, just kinda have a little… situation. Downstairs. God this is so embarrassing; I’m soooooo, so sorry. Please don’t hate me.”

Cas was quiet for a second, then burst out with infectious laughter, and Dean couldn’t help but join in. “Oh my god, that’s hilarious. Was it become of the groan I just made or…?”

Dean ran a hand through his hair before responding, “Um, yeah. Fuck. Look, I haven’t gotten

laid in close to three months, so cut me a little slack. And honestly, I’m really sorry. I wanted this

to be a really special first date, but I feel like I kind of ruined it.” Like Dean ruined everything.

“Oh, no no no! Really, I understand much better than you’d think,” Cas assuaged his fear and sorrow with a comforting pat on the back on the hand. “It’s honestly fine. Now, do you need to go to take a trip to the bathroom, or are you all right now?”

Dean informed Cas that apparently humiliation was not one of his kinks, and the situation had resolved itself, and they were able to go on with their dinner like it had never happened.

But you know, it did happen, and Dean hadn’t had sex in months, and Cas was the hottest date Dean had ever had. SO yeah. Things happen.

~***~

After an amazing evening of burgers, pie, beer, and literal hours of conversation, they decided it was definitely time for them to part ways. Cas had walked to the restaurant, so Dean offered to drop him off on his way home, and Cas gratefully accepted.

The car ride was normal, if slightly tense. They were both slightly buzzed and totally attracted to each other, after all. But it was chill.

Dean pulled up to Cas’ home, a cozy-looking apartment complex, and parked his car in one of the visitor spots. They both climbed out and walked together up to Cas’ door.

“So, I had an awesome time tonight,” Dean half-mumbled, really trying his best to appear like he wasn’t desperate to go out with Cas again as soon as possible. “You think you might want to do this again sometime? I mean, really, I totally get it if like I’m not your type or you’re just not into me or you think I’m too--”

Cas slammed their faces (particularly their lips) together, effectively cutting off Dean’s self-abusive train of thought and filling his mind with only the pure bliss of Cas’ warm mouth on his, their tongues fighting for dominance. Cas’ mouth tasted amazing, like apple pie and happiness. Dean hungrily chased the flavour, and he couldn’t get enough. They broke for air for just a minute before Cas wheeled Dean around and up against his apartment door, weaving one hand into his hair and grabbing Dean’s own hand with the other, pinning it up against the door above his head.

Dean had never felt less in control, and it was amazing. He could feel the strength in Cas’ body shoved up against his own. He felt vulnerable, but for once in his life, he was okay with that vulnerability.

Cas moved his mouth down from Dean’s mouth to his neck, peppering the skin with hot, wet kisses. He settled on one spot, the meaty place between Dean’s neck and right shoulder and assaulted it with licks, kisses, nibbles, and sucks. He was driving Dean crazy, and Dean honestly couldn’t stop himself from moaning out, “Uhhhh, Cas…”

Maybe it was something about how he broke the silence, but Cas suddenly stilled and looked up at Dean, alarm filling his eyes. “Oh my god, Dean, I’m sorry. I’ve never done this before; I don’t know what came over me.” He stepped back from Dean and rubbed his hands over his face.

“What? Why’d you stop?” Dean replied, feeling suddenly abandoned.

Cas locked eyes with Dean and said very seriously, “I have no idea what I’m doing, Dean. I’ve never had sex; hell, I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a week. And you’re this amazing, attractive man who has had so much sex and knows all about it, and I’m just going to embarrass myself and it’ll be terrible and--”

This time, Dean satisfies the cliche, cutting off Cas’ river of doubts with a kiss into which he poured all the words he wanted to say but didn’t know how: that Cas made him feel safe and comfortable and like he could be himself and still feel appreciated and cared for and special and important.

Cas seemed to get the message, and he quickly took control once again, holding Dean tight in his arms and kissing him with more passion than is in an entire episode of Casa Erotica.

Dean had been hard for a while now, and as Cas clung to him, he could feel that Cas was in about the same spot as he was. But shit, if Cas was a virgin, that would put a lot of weight on Dean’s shoulders, right? He wanted to make it perfect for Cas, because that’s what Cas deserved.

But apparently, Cas had a completely different idea. He pulled away from Dean, and with his pupils completely blown wide and dark, moved his mouth to Dean’s ear and whispered, “I’m going to make you feel so good.”

Huh, well, Dean realized at that moment he was completely, 100%, no doubt about it, a bottom. And apparently, Cas’ self-confidence boosted itself threefold when he was horny, so yeah. That was pretty sweet.

Cas fumbled with his apartment keys and opened the front door before pushing Dean inside and slamming the door behind them. He kiss-walked (that thing where people are joined at the mouth but still manage to move around, that’s honestly kind of impressive if you think about it) Dean to what Dean assumed could only be his bedroom and shoved him onto the bed before climbing on top of waist and resuming kissing him like a man dying of dehydration and Dean’s mouth was a fucking water fountain.

Without breaking their lip lock, Cas scrambled to get Dean’s tie off, and Dean did his best to help with the clothing removal process, but his efforts were mostly futile.

Finally, after a pathetically long and unromantic struggle, they were both naked, and Dean was basically drooling at the sight of Cas’ dick. Like, holy hell, it’s not like Dean himself was small, but Jesus, he was embarrassed of his own length in the presence of Cas’ massiveness.

Cas grinned with a hungry look in his eye as he took Dean in, and Dean felt suddenly self conscious as Cas scanned him so carefully.

Cas noticed the change in Dean’s demeanor and guessed the source quickly. “Dean, you are so beautiful,” his husky voice reassured before leaning in and capturing Dean’s lips once again, this time with a contrastingly gentle and loving kiss, and for once in his life, Dean let himself actually believe that about himself.

The kiss soon got more heated, and Cas’ hands began exploring Dean’s body, starting in his hair, traveling down his chest, over his hips, and down his thighs. Dean moaned and realized that, much to his embarrassment, he was actually close.

Fortunately, Cas seemed to sense he should advance things, and he trailed his hands back up to Dean’s throbbing cock. Dean let out a punched groan at the first touch to his hot member, squeezed his eyes shut tight, and clenched his fists behind Cas’ back. “So good, Cas…”

Cas’ hand left his cock for a minute, and Dean heard the telltale sounds of someone spitting before the hand returned, slick and tight. Just a couple tugs and Dean was coming with a shout. “Oh, Cas, oh fuck, Cas!”

He had never come so quickly in his entire life, but Dean couldn’t even find it in himself to be ashamed, especially as he heard Cas grunting as he followed directly behind him.

“Cas, that was…”

A sudden worried look fell over Cas’ face. “Was it bad? I’m sorry, I know we both came really fast.”

Dean laughed and tried his best kiss the pouting look off of Cas. “No, it was amazing, Cas. Jesus, that was the most vanilla shit I’ve ever done, but it was perfect.” Dean sighed and steeled himself before continuing. “And actually, I think the reason it was perfect was because, well, it was with you, Cas.”

~***~

“Honeybee, I’m home!” Dean stripped off his big winter coat and hung it on the hook by the front door.

“I’m in the kitchen, Dean!” Dean stalked through the house and up behind his husband, snaking his arms around the other man’s broad chest and leaning over his shoulder to give him a peck on the cheek.

“How was work today?” Dean asked, glancing around the kitchen and noticing with a grin what looked suspiciously like the mess left after someone has baked an apple pie.

“Work was lovely, thank you. Of course, that was mostly because of the letter I got from my favorite stop on my favorite route.” Cas grinned and spun around to give Dean a proper kiss.

“I’m your favorite?!” Dean grinned and pulled back before Cas could kiss him

Cas rolled his eyes, “No, I’m talking about our neighbor, Mrs. Tran.”

“I love you too, babe.” Dean finally let himself be pulled into his husband’s eager arms and smiled into the kiss. Fate was kind of awesome.

#destiel #fanfiction #destiel fandom #destiel fluff #supernatural #ao3 #one shot #supernatural fic #destiel fic #fanfic

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certified-diplodocus · 6 years ago

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guess who finally sat down to Mood Whiplash: The Movie

and loved it?

with unexpected intensity and passion

(I mean I’m pretty sure my neck’s broken from the whip-fast mood switching but I like cheesy eighties sci-fi, comedy and primary colours. of course I loved it)

because though it’s rated 87% on RT, the reviews I saw before I first tried to see it in cinema were, though not negative or even lukewarm, rather beige - “good but nothing special” “silly fun” “the effects were decent” “hela’s kind of eh” (to be fair she is kind of eh) - I had no expectations beyond “it’s a Thor film, Loki’s in it, Hulk does gladiator fights, majestic valkyrie whom everybody loves.” Turns out that having no expectations is a good way to enjoy cinema.

There’s so much going on in this film! It’s fast-paced the way the “serious” Marvel films can’t be, and yet as silly and action-packed as this is it never once drags. Call it brainless, call it a crowd-pleasing romp, but lately in every long, long Marvel film there has been a point, usually around the sixth dramatic fight scene, where I start drumming my fingers on the armrest and wondering if this climax is the climax climax or if I’m still due another three fight scenes before I get to go to the toilet. Thor: Ragnarok, with its quick scene changes and refusal to take itself even slightly seriously, never once lost my attention.

And it is funny. Oh, it is funny. I was laughing within the first five minutes and it just kept getting better. Humour is important in all the Marvel films but this one embraces comedy as its core, and it works while still preserving drama.

(and can we talk about the Blake’s 7 aesthetic? OKAY it’s probably a generalised aesthetic shared by dozens of science fiction works but LOOK) HEXAGONS

(it’s a pavlovian response now. a B7 fan only has to see a beecomb and they start raving about neutron flare shields. i’m writing a paper on it.)

It’s also pretty damn beautiful. With all the grimly realistic colours lately I’d forgotten what it was to have my cones firing. Not that I mind grimly realistic, but sometimes

you need a little colour. [gifs by marvel]

Of course, you couldn’t make every Marvel movie like this. This one succeeds because it breaks the mould, but the mould needs to be there in the first place. Does it have flaws? Yes. Undoubtedly. Though I’m still high as a kite, when I come down I could probably pick more holes in the story than an army of ferocious 90-year-old lacemakers. Yet here’s the thing: the plot doesn’t matter. A story is its characters, a world is its people, and yes, Hela’s existence and motivation are shaky but good god Cate Blanchett plays her with such malevolent, magnificent gusto that it oozes through her pores. The dramatic, emotional moments - and there are emotional moments - are made more so because the script doesn’t dwell on them. Joke, bittersweet talk between enemy-brothers, joke. You’re constantly catching your balance. Did that happen? Did that really just happen? Oh god, why am I laughing?

I am strongly reminded of Star Trek IV. Does it need a grander plot? There’s no complex motives, no politics, not even any real baddies: it’s a fetch quest with whales. The real story happens at a human scale, and the result is one of the best-loved films in Trek history.

Also, Loki. I feel no need to justify myself on that point.

(and)

(I am going to see Infinity War on Saturday I am going to see Infinity War on Saturday I am going to see Infinity War on Saturday)

#and can we talk about the music? please let's talk about the music #thor: ragnarok #marvel's 'the one with the whales' and I love it #marvel movieverse #review #though i'm still salty about hel and fenris #norse myth? what norse myth?#I AM GOING TO SEE INFINITY WAR ON SATURDAY #send help or send chocolate #long post

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shirlleycoyle · 4 years ago

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The Made-Up Language That Accidentally Became Real: The Story of Klingon

A version of this post originally appeared on Tedium, a twice-weekly newsletter that hunts for the end of the long tail.

Not too long ago, I drove by a radio station with an apostrophe in its call sign. Reading it aloud, it seemed the apostrophe affected an actual word, but my inner Star Trek fan immediately decided it simply must be a Klingon radio station.

Sadly, it was just a country station, but the experience prompted a silly thought: what if there were an actual Klingon radio station? Surely some dedicated Trekkers around the world may have done the same thing with the Klingon language that some enterprising (get it?) Star Trek fans did with folk music decades before.

The world is a bit bleak at the moment, so we decided to get a little nerdy this week and dive into an entirely new frontier. So grab a bowl of your favorite Klingon cuisine and a barrel of blood wine, because we’re exploring something a bit different: the Klingon language and its interesting impact on modern pop culture.

1985

The year in which The Klingon Dictionary saw its initial publication. The book includes grammar, vocabulary, and a vital pronunciation guide for the language. The book did not, however, provide any exercises or practice guides for actually learning the language. This likely decreased its efficacy for actually learning the language, but it was probably intended more as a guide for actors and a fun collectible for Trek fans than anything else. The book inspired at least one current Internet Archive user to create a HyperCard stack to help them learn the language in convenient electronic form. A second edition saw publication in 1992.

How a professional linguist transformed some gibberish into a constructed language

Like any story worth telling, the history of the Klingon language begins with improvisation. Some reports—including the DVD commentary for Star Trek: The Motion Picture Director’s Cut—maintain the genesis of the language rests with James Doohan (who played Montgomery “Scotty” Scott on the original show) and the film’s associate producer Jon Povill. The two had a meeting where they established a few basic words the aliens would utter throughout the movie. Doohan recorded the words for veteran Trek actor Mark Lenard, who portrayed a Klingon captain in the film. Lenard transcribed the words phonetically and practiced them to nail the delivery of his lines in the film. Doohan and Povill didn’t develop the language further. That honorable duty befell another man who wouldn’t enter the picture until Wrath of Khan’s editing phase.

Enter legendary linguist Marc Okrand, the creator of the Klingon language. Okrand began his career teaching linguistics courses in Santa Barbara, CA. Following his stint as a university teacher, he joined the Smithsonian Institute for a while researching California Native American languages that hadn’t been spoken for a long time. Following that, he began to work with The National Captioning Institute on developing closed captioning for educational purposes and the hearing impaired (look for a future issue of Tedium on the subject). In the midst of a fruitful career, Okrand stumbled almost accidentally into working on Star Trek through his captioning work.

Though it didn’t make its debut until the third Trek film, the genesis of the Klingon language in its current form actually lies with The Wrath of Kahn. In that film, there were two Vulcan characters speaking to each other in a corridor. The producers shot the scene with the actors speaking English but later decided to change it to the Vulcan language. The trouble was, a Vulcan language didn’t exist. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, Marc Okrand would soon become the hero the film didn’t realize it needed.

Okrand believes luck played a significant role in gaining the opportunity in the first place. He was only in California for one week but had nothing to do for three days. He had two friends making Star Trek who wanted his opinion about expanding the alien languages within the film. It turned out to be a major headache for the film’s producers and they needed to resolve it within the week—the same week in which Okrand was visiting the state.

In 2018, Okrand told The Washington Post how he became involved in bringing alien languages to the franchise:

My real job, the one that really paid the bills, was closed captioning. The first program we did live was the Oscars, 1982. They flew me out to L.A., and I was having lunch with a friend who worked at Paramount. She and I go out to lunch, and the fact that I was a linguist came up—I have a PhD in linguistics. They wanted a linguist to come and make up gobbledygook that matches the lip movements. And I said, “I can do that!”

He only received a few hundred dollars for his work, but he delighted in his experience teaching Mr. Spock how to speak Vulcan. But following the success of the second film, something unexpected happened: Okrand received a call from Harve Bennett—the writer/producer of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock—asking him to create a full language for the Klingons to use in the film. As he told interviewer EC Henry in 2016, “every once in a while in life, you’re presented with a decision that’s really easy to make. That was one of those!”

The Search for Spock and most subsequent Star Trek programs featured Okrand’s language in some form, including the most recent Trek films up to Star Trek Into Darkness. He was still involved in Star Trek Beyond, too, creating several different languages for that film.

petaQ

The most common Klingon curse word. In the spirit of Nicolas Cage’s new Netflix show, we simply had to include this one. Usually written as P’Takh—Klingons sure do love their apostrophes—it’s always used as a noun in the show to insult other characters. It’s pronounced more like “pet-ock” with an extremely harsh guttural sound at the end. According to the Klingon Language Institute, the root of the word is “taQ” meaning “to be weird,” or indicating some kind of strangeness. But it’s more likely that it’s merely a common, interchangeable insult or as Enterprise suggests, it means “enemy.” A good runner up is probably “Qapla/Q’Plah”—the Klingon equivalent of “Have a Nice Day.” Imagine that on a bumper sticker or a T-shirt.

Examples of journals sold by the Klingon Language Institute; the institute also offers translations of well-known books in the language.

The language eventually grew much larger than the property for which it was developed

It may be difficult to believe, but per the Guinness Book of World Records, Klingon is the most widely spoken fictional language in the world. It even has an entire, well-known institute dedicated to learning Klingon.

The language itself is harsh, guttural, and bears some resemblance to a mix of Yiddish, some Native American languages, and German. Anytime Okrand approached sounding similar to any of real language, he adjusted the Klingon words to differentiate them from sounding like real-life language, resulting in some of the very unique words one hears in Klingon.

What differentiates Klingon from other constructed languages—like J.R.R. Tolkien’s Elvish languages or some of the constructed languages in Game of Thrones—is the piecemeal nature of the language’s construction. Okrand designed the language as needed, based on the needs of the episodes and films for which he was consulted. It didn’t see further realization or development until much later.

The Klingon Dictionary took the idea to another level entirely, even if it didn’t fully function as a learner’s guide to the language. The book’s success led to other publications like the audiobooks Conversational Klingon and Power Klingon. 1997 brought the long-anticipated follow-up to the dictionary, Klingon for the Galactic Traveler. There’s even an interactive CD-ROM Star Trek: Klingon, whose third disc features a Klingon language lab.

There haven’t been any additional Klingon language books or multimedia since, but a group of speakers formed The Klingon Language Institute in 1992 to further the learning and development of the language over time. The Pennsylvania-based institute isn’t a loose organization of Trek enthusiasts; it’s a full non-profit organization dedicated to legitimately teaching Klingon through lessons, translators, and other online resources. They even offer a Klingon Language Certification Program.

Before going fully electronic, KLI published a quarterly journal, poetry, and fiction in the language and at one time even offered a $500 scholarship. It’s founder, Lawrence M. Schoen, is an accomplished speaker who currently acts as the institute’s director. KLI’s members still meet up once a year to lecture, teach, learn and discuss the language—all while having a good time, of course. Per KLI, only a few people are fluent enough in Klingon to actually speak it conversationally.

Okrand maintains a positive attitude and relationship with speakers of the language, but as he told Henry back in 2016, he “doesn’t speak it very well” because of the way he made it up in the first place. The language was built to one line at a time to suit the story of the show. He’d coach actors to say the lines, get through the process, and move on. Then he forgot some of it, so writing the book required more effort on his part to not only flesh out the language but almost rebuild it from some of his previous work on Trek.

In several interviews, Okrand is clearly proud of his work, but would definitely do it a bit differently if given the opportunity. He would have thought more about the structure and design of the language rather than simply creating words on the fly and revising them later. Despite the movie-prop nature of its construction, Klingon managed to evolve.

Okrand is still involved in the language as it continues developing, and people still ask him about creating new words to grow the language. At this point, Klingon is a developing constructed language that’s cemented its place in society outside of Star Trek. Okrand realizes it’s much larger than he ever intended, telling a convention in 2016 about the future of the language:

“At some point, it’ll grow without me, and that’s fine.”

“When I wrote the dictionary, I thought people would put it on their coffee table and reference it for fun, but a few years later, I found out they were dissecting and analyzing it. And thanks to the Internet, people were meeting on message boards to talk in Klingon.”

— Marc Okrand, the creator of the Klingon language. In a 2013 interview with Mashable, he marveled at how far the language he built for the Star Trek movies took off in real-life. While Okrand still referenced the dictionary while working the films at that time, he still asserts many other people speak the language much better than he does.

The Klingon Dictionary, because of course. Image: Bookshop

Dedicated speakers and technology helped the Klingon language transcend pop culture

Klingon was still going strong as the internet developed into its present form. Per Okrand, the rise of forums and internet chat actually may have helped breathe further life into the language. It’s obvious that Trek fans love it, but what’s most interesting about the language is how common it is among non-Star Trek fans. For instance, linguists and language enthusiasts love studying it or teaching it to family, like the PhD candidate who taught his young son Klingon to better understand the language. The man, D’Armond Speers, became academically interested in the language after seeing a flyer for the KLI.

That isn’t to say there aren’t plenty of fans who enjoy using the language and taking it to the higher levels. Capitalizing on the new age of smartphones, Simon & Schuster released The Klingon dictionary and language suite (containing the dictionary, Conversational Klingon, and other digital tools) for iPhone around 2009. Running from $3.99 to $11.99, iPhone users could learn Klingon in digital style.

Nowadays, DuoLingo and Youtube offer several ways to learn Klingon, from visual lessons to interactive studying.

On the pop culture front, some students of the Klingon language decided to translate Hamlet into the language to astonishing success. There was an insane Pizza Hut commercial spoken (and written!) entirely in Klingon. And you know something is truly popular when Rhett & Link feature it on Good Mythical Morning. And if you’re looking to groove to some Klingon-inspired tunes, you can’t go wrong with Klingon Pop Warrior or Stovokor.

I never found a good example of a Klingon radio station (aside from a long defunct fake station called, appropriately, KPLA radio), but Klingon opera is alive and well in the modern day.

One of the frequently recurring aspects of Worf’s character in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is his love of Klingon Opera. Have you ever wondered what if Klingon Opera’s were a thing? As it turns out, a legitimate opera entitled ‘U’ was written and performed in Klingon. The U stands for “Universal.”

It was essentially a song in the key of Kahless, telling the story of the Klingon leader. Composed by Eef van Breen with a libretto by Kees Ligtelijn and Marc Okrand, the opera debuted in the Netherlands in 2010 to an enthusiastic audience reaction. Floris Schönfeld handled the artistic direction. It played a few more dates in 2012, but hasn’t been seen since. Don’t despair, though, as there may be a new Klingon Opera in the works.

Outside such creative endeavors, there seems to be a resurgence of the language in popular shows like the eternally annoying The Big Bang Theory. With the sole exception of the Barenaked Ladies’ theme song, I simply don’t enjoy The Big Bang Theory. While Star Trek references—including several instances of conversationally using the Klingon language—litter the show, it’s just not my cup of tea (I prefer chilled Earl Gray). It is, however, notable for bringing Klingon Boggle and The Klingon Dictionary back into the collective pop culture mind. If there’s one thing I dislike more than watching The Big Bang Theory, it’s probably playing a game of Monopoly. Yes, I am aware the game was joked about in the show before it came out. Per Memory Alpha, this may have been intentional product placement on the part of Hasbro. Either way, the real-estate trading game traces its origins back to the early 1900s and has its own unique history, but this astonishing board game has the distinction of merging Klingon and a popular board game, effectively bringing the language further into public consciousness.

And I thought real-life Klingon operas were weird.

“Speaking Klingon is a great way to make new friends.”

— Michael Dorn, the actor who played Lieutenant Commander Worf in Star Trek: the Next Generation and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, during an ad for Rosetta Stone: Klingon. Dorn goes on to discuss how fun the language can be, with plenty of enthusiastic participants demonstrating their language skills. Of course, this was simply an April Fool’s joke perpetrated by ThinkGeek in 2014, but it’s a great piece of Klingon language history nonetheless.

As time and technology evolve, it truly seems as if the Klingon language will continue to capture the hearts and minds of both Trek fans and non-Trek fans alike. One doesn’t need to be a fan to learn and enjoy the language. All you need is an interest and the resources to learn.

It overcame a legal battle over copyright of the language in 2016 and may even be useful for treating dyslexia. Not bad for a constructed language designed for aliens in a Star Trek movie.

Marc Okrand’s work in closed captioning is legendary, but he left an indelible mark on both linguistics and pop culture for a long time to come. You don’t have to be a sci-fi fan to appreciate Klingon.

So until next time, stay safe, be kind to each other, and don’t forget to always say Q’Plah!

The Made-Up Language That Accidentally Became Real: The Story of Klingon syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

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frangipanidownunder · 7 years ago

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Cause I like your style, so maybe you can write a story where M&S are working undercover at a Star Trek Con... something silly please *grin*

This is pure fluff fun. I cheated and used Star Wars - my knowledge of Star Trek is limited to an early crush on Captain Kirk (!) and wobbly sets. Anyway, sorry it took so long to get this out. But I hope you enjoy it, kind anon. Tagging @today-in-fic and @fictober

Mulder and Scully and the Third Leia

She stares at herselfin the mirror. Despite her misgivings, she actually feels pretty damned cool.She pulls the jacket off the chair, shrugs it on and heads out to the venue.She knows Mulder is pumped for this assignment. After the Rob and Laura Petrie adventure,he’s been angling for more undercover work. She knows why. He’s the kid who wasforced to go to the dress-up parties in costumes not of his own choosing. Asshe walks through the car park she pictures him as Kirk when he would havepreferred to be the Spock, as Superman when he would have preferred The Spirit,as white spangly Elvis when he would have preferred the black leather version.Pushing through the crowds, she thought about black leather a little longer.And then she saw him.

The convention manager flexed hisknuckles and explained once again how this was an inconvenience. “My people payhuge money for photos with their heroes. They stand in line for hours forautographs. They buy tee-shirts…”

“At incredible mark-ups and sleep inthem for a year without washing them,” Mulder grins and walks to the window.“Believe me, I know. I have a stack of early Doctor Who memorabilia…”

“Anyhow, Mr Melis,” Scully cuts in, “wereally do need to surveil the full expo hall and the best way to do that is toblend in.” She eyes Mulder as he checks out his own reflection in the glass.

Melis raises his eyebrows at her andtuts. “We have our biggest star due to arrive. I have to head out back.”

“Biggest star?” Scully asks, as themanager hangs an ID badge around his neck and slips a plastic weapon into hisholster.

Mulder stands by her side. “WilliamHootkins, Scully. Didn’t you read the press? Is that the E-11 blaster or theDC-15A?” He points to the weapon and Melis pulls it back out.

“William who?”

Swinging round, blaster in hand,Mulder sighs. “Hootkins. He played Jek Porkins, in A New Hope. And Major Eaton in Raidersof the Lost Ark. I’m going to get him to sign my rebel pilot overalls.”

“You brought overalls?” Scully asks,letting her exasperation out in a delicious crick of her neck. Mulder looks ather and his lips quirk into that ‘why are you even asking me’ smile. “Of courseyou did.”

The convention isheaving with Wookiees, droids, Stormtroopers, Ewoks and yetis that Mulder tellsher are Wampas. There are Lukes, Hans, Darths, Landos and Leias. Mulder seemsparticularly taken with a trio of gold bikini-clad versions who walk past andshimmy at him. He turns to her, smirking.

“Don’t say it,” she lays a hand on his arm. “Rebel Alliance Leader LeiaOrgana is more my style.” She taps her padded white jacket and lets him sigh.

“I could have dressed as Jabba the Hutt and kept you on a chain, Scully.”

“And I would have taken great pleasure in garrotting you, Mulder.”

His eyes widen and his smile is insufferable. She walks off.

The Bureau was on thetail of Rita Barilla, wanted for theft, deception and credit card fraud. Her MOwas to advertise her ‘services’ which included an eye-opening, and sometimes eye-watering,variety of unusual role-play scenarios and then make off with the goods beforethe act was finished. She would often meet her clients – always powerful businessmenwho would find it difficult to go public - at fan expos, dressed as Leia. WhenSkinner suggested they attend this small town convention where the Bureau hadarranged a sting, she’d automatically said no. Mulder let her talk for a while,outlining all the – very valid – reasons why it was a bad idea. Skinner satwith his customary two fingers pressed against his mouth and remained silent.When she’d finished, she sat back against the chair and held her chin up.

“Scully, the only way we’re going tostop this woman from embezzling any further funding from the vulnerable in oursociety is to go where she goes. Do as she does.”

“I hardly think that wealthybusiness men who enjoy dressing up as science fiction characters during sexplay are the vulnerable in our society,” she said. “They pay a ridiculousamount of money to be whipped with light sabers or handcuffed to giant furrycreatures.”

“Wookiees, Scully. They’re calledWookiees. And these men are unable to speak out about the crimes that have beencommitted against them because of their position in society. You may not seethem as vulnerable, but believe me, they are in a delicate position.”

She opened the casefile. “Well, yougot that bit right. This one, a high court judge, was released after sevenhours tied face down across a replica of the Death Star. He was naked exceptfor a Darth Vader mask, complete with voice changer, so that when he was foundthe paramedics thought he was being asphyxiated.” She looked at Skinner. “Delicate.”

The AD took off his glasses andrubbed his face. “Agents, you are the only ones with the undercover experienceto pull off this assignment.”

“Sir, with all due respect, thereare many other agents with the same, if not more experience. And this isn’t anX-File.”

“Agent Scully, there are elements tothis case that are unusual. The setting affords you and Agent Mulder the bestpossible in. You’ll leave in the morning.”

“The best possible in?” She knew hervoice was squeaky but she was furious. She stood up and stepped towards Skinner’sdesk. “What does that mean?”

“It means, Scully,” Mulder said,placing a hand on the small of her back, “that my many hours of studying theworld of Star Wars will not have gone to waste.”

“Studying? Is that what you call it?”

She swung round andreached the door before Skinner called out.

“Agents.”

She turned, trying tocontain her anger. Skinner was smiling. Sort of.

“May the force be with you.”

She’s browsing the stalls, flicking through stacks ofautograph books, framed photos of people she doesn’t recognise, movie posters,tee-shirts and buttons and pins and mugs and toothbrushes and other assortedparaphernalia, when she hears the buzz of static. She thinks, with someamusement, that this is the only place in the world where nobody would bat aneye at a woman in a snow suit talking on a walkie-talkie while holding up anegg cup in the shape of R2D2.

“I’m onher tail, Scully. She’s heading to the side doors, arm in arm with Han Solo.”

“Can yougive me a better description?” she says, looking around at the dozens of Leiasand Hans wandering around. She heads out in the general direction, studyingfaces and eye colour and chin shape. She thinks she sees a likely couple andfingers her weapon when Han turns and she realises they are both women.

A few metres ahead, she seesMulder. Beyond him, she spies the real Rita Barilla, plaits wound around herears and white robe flowing, chatting to a man wearing brown pants, brown vestover a cream shirt, she thinks about how Mulder hadn’t really thought hiscostume through. Typical, impulsive Mulder. She races to the exit, feelingpowerful in her own outfit. Rebel Leader was an apt description for her job.

“FBI! Rita Barilla, put yourhands up.”

The woman drops the arm of hercompanion who sidesteps away with an expression of confusion and surprise onhis face. Mulder is still catching up. She can hear him cursing through thewalkie-talkie. Rita Barilla ducks down rolls into a crowd of people. Scullyruns towards her and yells at Mulder to follow. He raises an arm inacknowledgement. She sees the white robe flitting through the crowds, towards alarge gathering of other white robes. Shit. Scully pushes through the people,twisting them round to look at them. Mulder is finally with her.

“Rita Barilla, stop right there,”he yells.

“Where’s your weapon?” Scullyasks, desperately scanning faces for the right Leia.

“It got stuck,” he whispers.

“Stuck?” She looks down at him.

“Don’t, Scully,” he says. “Justdon’t.”

She can see the gun wedged downhis thigh pad.

“She’s the third Leia on theright. She’s the one with the really big…”

“Plaits,” she finishes.

She rushes forward, barrellinginto her target until she’s astride her on the floor. The crowd parts andMulder arrives. Squeaking. And trying to unstick his weapon.

“Curse my metal body,” he says,finally pulling the gun out. “Rita Barilla, you’re under arrest…”

They watch as Barilla is taken away in handcuffs, wedgedbetween two police officers. It’s eerily similar to a scene from the movie.

“May Icongratulate the Princess on her good work. The odds of intercepting thecorrect suspect in a room full of…”

She digshim in the ribs and regrets it as it bounces off his gold plate. “Shut up or I’lldisconnect your circuit board.”

He holdsup his hands, bent at the elbows. His mask is off, his head is quirked at anangle and he’s wearing that silly grin again. “I love it when you talk dirty,Scully.”

#txf fanfic #my fanfiction #fictober #todayinfic #star wars #fluff and nonsense

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stoplookingup · 7 years ago

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This is not silly redux

I originally posted this after seeing Wonder Woman, but in light of the Doctor Who casting announcement, it’s worth repeating. (Original posting here.)

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Some men are really pissed off about all the girl cooties that have been contaminating their action-genre movie and TV franchises lately. Granted, most men I know are not like that. Most want nothing to do with the bitter, disaffected minority of male fans who fill up online comment sections with vitriolic misogyny (and racism — which, not surprisingly, often comes with it). But those vocal yahoos are just a super-concentrated distillation of something bigger and more pervasive: the sense that women are, at best, guests in a man’s world.

To more "enlightened" men, we are welcome guests — but guests nevertheless. When they look at Fury Road, The Force Awakens, Rogue One, Wonder Woman, or Star Trek Discovery [editing to add Doctor Who featuring Jodie Whittaker] — not just women-led stories, but installments in beloved male-dominated franchises — and think, That’s nice, let the girls have some fun too, they are trivializing something that is, to me, Earth-shaking and paradigm-shifting. No doubt, they feel pretty good about their broad-minded acceptance of the female presence, oblivious to the fact that we had to break down the door with a battering ram to get in. What is petty to them is profound and validating to us. And the fact that, the moment I typed that, I felt silly — afraid that someone will accuse me of being melodramatic and overemotional — is actually what I want to talk about.

I am a child of the late 1960s and early 1970s. The coolest things on TV aimed at girls my age were The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family, shows that incorporated pop music and fashion, but basically just slapped a fresh coat of groovy paint on the same old gender roles. Moms nurture, dads work. Boys play sports, girls do art. Boys sing lead, girls sing backup. And anyway, I was a tomboy, with little use for domestic stories about family, friends, and dating. I wanted action, adventure, and excitement. I wanted courageous feats of derring-do performed in pursuit of noble goals like honor, exploration, and justice. I wanted bravery, brains, and heroism.

I wanted Star Trek.

I fell in love with Star Trek when I was about ten, and in no time at all, I had hooked my best friend, Rifka. Soon, all of our playtime was spent pretending to be the characters we admired in the fiction we loved. I was Kirk, she was Spock (I’ve written about this before, here.) While Star Trek was our main gig, we play-acted other stories as well: Bonanza (I was Little Joe, she was Adam); The Hardy Boys (from the books — the TV show was still several years away; I was Joe, she was Frank); Lost in Space (I was John Robinson, she was Don West); Hawaii Five-O (I was Steve McGarrett, she was Danno Williams); Batman (though rarely, because neither of us wanted to be Robin). Always men.

Though there were women in some of these stories, we never pretended to be them. Of course, now, with adult hindsight, I can appreciate characters like Uhura, who pushed the boundaries not only of gender, but of race as well. (Whoopi Goldberg was famously inspired to ask Gene Roddenberry for a role on Star Trek: The Next Generation after having been profoundly affected by Uhura as a child — so much so that, the first time she saw Uhura on TV, she excitedly told her mother, "There's a black lady on television, and she ain't no maid!") But at the time, with a child’s eyes, I wasn’t interested in gray areas, fine distinctions, and historical context. The women were never the bravest, the toughest, or the most important. And we saw ourselves as the bravest, the toughest, and the most important. Period.

Then one day, everything changed. Or more accurately, a gradual change that had been percolating in the background came to a head. We must have been about 12 or 13, an age when we still played pretend, but were vaguely embarrassed about the childishness of it. Whereas we used to play openly during recess and after school with large groups of friends, now it was just the two of us — our little secret. But I was growing more and more uneasy, torn between my love of being in the stories and my sense that I was getting too old for this kind of thing. And something else; something I couldn’t put my finger on, but that made me feel kind of squeamish.

As it happened, we were playing Hardy Boys that day. It was all going as usual; we’d agreed on some mystery to investigate, and we were making up the details as we went along — until I called time out. That’s when I dropped what I was about to realize was a bombshell.

“I want to be a girl.”

I can still see the look on my friend's face. It was as if I’d said I wanted to be Robin. No, worse. A villain. No, even worse. A lamppost.

“But you can’t be a girl,” she said. “Joe is a boy.”

I saw my mistake too late and tried in vain to make it right.

“I’ll be exactly like Joe, but a girl. I’ll do all the same things. Only my name won’t be Joe. I’ll pick a girl’s name.”

Eventually, Rifka reluctantly agreed, and we gave it a shot. But basically, that was it — the end of our pretending. We may have made a few more half-hearted attempts to get up a good game of Star Trek after that, but I’d pretty much put the nails in the coffin and handed out the hammers. It was the end of an era.

Looking back, it’s easy for me to see exactly what was happening. That little voice of heterosexual puberty had entered my head — the one that whispered, “If you want boys to like you, you need to be a girl. A real girl.” I guess Rifka hadn’t quite gotten there yet, but I suspect she did eventually (I would love to ask her, but alas, to my great sorrow, I can’t, as she is no longer with us). I also know exactly what Rifka heard the moment I said, “I want to be a girl.” It was, “I renounce and betray all our shared values. I settle for second best. I give up my hopes and dreams. I strike a bargain with the devil.”

Yes, it was really that stark and simple. Black and white. Girls didn’t fight the good fight, or any fight at all. They didn’t get the grand missions to save humanity, explore new frontiers, or pursue truth and justice. Ever. There was nothing in our world, real or fictional, that said they did. Girls weren’t heroes.

“I want to be a girl” meant “I don’t want to be a hero.” I understand completely now the look of betrayal on Rifka’s face. To be honest, I understood it then, too. I just didn’t know how to find another way.

I am 55 years old now. When I sit in a darkened movie theater or tucked up in bed watching Furiosa, Rey, Jyn, Wonder Woman, Melinda May, Peggy Carter, Natasha Romanoff, Buffy Summers, Kathryn Janeway, Aeryn Sun, Dana Scully, River Song, Zoe Washburne — such a long list now, I can’t even name them all! — I’m sometimes overwhelmed by the magnitude of it, knowing what those characters would have meant to me if they’d existed half a century ago. I am downright giddy at the thought of a new series in the Star Trek franchise promoted with a trailer that features two female characters as the unambiguous leads — a trailer that opens with the words, “Ten years before Kirk, Spock, and the Enterprise….”. [Adding: and a new Doctor played by a woman!]

I believe that, because of all these fictional women — heroes — when my daughters say, “I want to be a girl,” it won’t mean, “I surrender.” It will mean only whatever they want it to mean. And if there are men out there who think that’s silly, I will try hard not to care, because this isn’t about them.

#Jodie Whittaker #13th doctor

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aion-rsa · 6 years ago

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A Guide to DC Animated Movies

https://ift.tt/2CFSeFH

It's going to be awhile before we get another Justice League movie, but the DC animated movie universe is worth checking out.

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The Lists

Books

Jim Dandy

DC Entertainment

Mar 25, 2019

Animation

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Superman

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DC Universe

In 2007, DC’s animation department announced that they were creating a line of direct-to-video, feature-length movies free from many of the constraints of regular television. It was a controversial move, mostly because the most recent forays into animation from DC had been really well received by fans - Justice League Unlimited and Teen Titans had just ended, and fans were eager for more series set in the DC Animated Universe, not stand alone adaptations of comic stories.

Despite the initial trepidation, most of them have been a success. They do follow some general rules, though: usually, the Star Trek movie rule applies, where every other one is good. There are a couple of stretches of two bad or three good in a row, but over the course of the line, that’s generally the pattern.

Also, the quality of the movie is almost always in proportion to the quality of the comic it was based off of. And the more original the story, the better the movie. Let’s take a look at what are now officially known as DC Universe Original Movies...

Superman: Doomsday (2007)

The first feature in this new initiative was based on 1992’s hottest college fund investment, The Death of Superman. The story is perhaps looked back on too harshly as emblematic of ‘90s comic excess, and maybe because of that, this movie wasn’t well received.

Superman: Doomsday made significant changes to the storyline, compressing two years of stories into one 75-minute feature. It also combined all four replacement Supermen into one clone, and tweaks the relationship between Lois and Superman to add a bit of drama.

read more: The Best Batman Beyond Episodes

Superman: Doomsday set the tone for a lot of what was to come, structurally. The action sequences were well done, something that will remain a constant throughout these movies. It suffered because of some iffy voice acting (Adam Baldwin wasn’t great as Superman, and Anne Heche was similarly middling as Lois) and also because it was like, 50 issues of comics boiled down into an hour’s worth of movie. It certainly wasn’t bad, but it was very middle of the road. Fortunately they got it right later on.

Watch Superman: Doomsday on Amazon.

Justice League: The New Frontier (2008)

Darwyn Cooke’s retro-Justice League origin story is one of the most highly regarded DC books of the last 20 years, and that strong foundation served the movie adaptation well. That the story works in either medium is a minor miracle. Justice League: The New Frontier mixes a noir story (Slam Bradley, J’onn J’onzz, Batman, King Faraday, and the GCPD investigating a cult) with the bright, shiny superheroics of the Flash, Green Lantern, Superman and Wonder Woman, and all comes together well at the end.

read more - The Essential Episodes of Batman: The Animated Series

It’s all wrapped up in an art style designed to mimic Cooke’s Bruce Timm-meets-50s-art-deco-print-ads style, and the animators do a great job of matching it (something they won’t do nearly as well with later movies). The voice cast is superb, too, with Kyle MacLachlan as Superman, Lucy Lawless as Wonder Woman, Jeremy Sisto as Batman, and Neil Patrick Harris as Flash all being inspired choices, and David Boreanaz’ Hal Jordan is the best Hal ever, for at least another couple of these movies.

DC has started packaging the comics with their movie counterparts recently, and if there is ever the opportunity to grab both versions of The New Frontier, you should jump on that.

Watch Justice League: The New Frontier on Amazon.

Batman: Gotham Knight (2008)

Remember The Animatrix? And remember how people used to try and talk themselves into digging it? And then remember how it was actually just not very good, but we were so starved for Matrix stories that we’d take anything? I do, and I guess this is a little bit confessional.

read more: The Essential Episodes of Justice League Unlimited

Gotham Knight was just like that: an anime-style anthology of stories written by some big names, and it was closely tied not to the comics, but to the Batman movies of the time. These six stories were supposedly set between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. They were a disaster.

Kevin Conroy is the greatest Batman of my lifetime, and I don’t think you’ll find anyone who will argue that point too strenuously. But the decision to keep him voicing Batman in these stories contributed to the tonal disaster that they were: his voice in anime characters fighting Deadshot and Killer Croc in a universe that was supposed to be “more realistic” just made me confused and a little nosebleedy and possibly a touch stupider from trying to reconcile it all. Skip it.

Watch Batman: Gotham Knight on Amazon

Wonder Woman (2009)

Written by Gail Simone (who had a solid run writing Diana just prior to this) and based loosely on George Perez’s “Gods and Monsters” story from just after the classic Crisis on Infinite Earths, this movie is widely considered one of the best Wonder Woman stories in any medium of the last 15 years. This movie is great.

It takes Perez’s story - Ares has a grudge against Hippolyta and her people, and uses his son Deimos and a convoluted international nuclear strike to try and destroy them, only to have Diana and Steve Trevor stop him - and streamlines it. Keri Russell is a great Diana, and even though subsequent casting decisions add a little dissonance with Rosario Dawson as Artemis and Nathan Fillion as Steve Trevor, the movie works just as well if you pretend that Artemis later takes over as Wonder Woman for a little while and Fillion is still playing Hal Jordan, only in disguise.

read more: The Strange History of The Legend of Zelda Animated Series

And if you’ve never read Perez’s original story before, it really is one of the best Wonder Woman comics ever, and it is regularly packaged with this DVD. This is a good excuse to pick it up.

Watch Wonder Woman on Amazon

Green Lantern: First Flight (2009)

First Flight, despite the name, is less Hal Jordan’s origin story and more yellow lantern Sinestro’s. Green Lantern is maybe the one character who has fared the best in these films, because his powers look the best in animated form. First Flight is a fun, longer exposure to that world.

read more - The Essential Episodes of X-Men: The Animated Series

There is a...lot...of killing in it, but that bothers me less when it’s Green Lantern than it does when it’s Batman doing the murdering. I think part of what smoothed it over for me is some more great voice casting: Victor Garber (half of television’s Firestorm) is great as Sinestro; Michael Madsen’s Kilowog is only second to Dennis Haysbert’s; and Chris Meloni was great as Hal.

Watch Green Lantern: First Flight on Amazon.

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (2009)

I’ve come around on this since I first saw it. It’s still ridiculous: this is a story about Superman and Batman teaming up to fight off a President Lex Luthor-led team of heroes and bounty-thirsty villains while they get into a composite Superman/Batman robot to punch a kryptonite meteor back into space, and that hasn’t changed or become any less silly since 2009.

read more: The Weirdest Classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Episodes Ever

But I didn’t realize at the time how great the animators did of capturing Ed McGuinness’ art style, or how much McGuinness’ art looked like old cartoons to begin with. Everybody looks like if Rob Liefeld was trained to draw in a Hanna Barbera studio in the ‘40s: absurdly overmuscled, but kinetic and bubbly and fun instead of scratchy and angular.

Narratively, this movie is still unnecessarily complex and pretty stupid, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun to watch, one of the few clear improvements on the comic source material in this series.

Watch Superman/Batman: Public Enemies on Amazon.

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (2010)

I’m a bit of a Grant Morrison fanboy, so I was excited for this movie, which purports to be an adaptation of JLA: Earth 2. It is not. I mean, it has some of the trappings of Morrison and Frank Quitely’s original story, but the plot is pretty dramatically different, at least in how it works out.

Earth 2 is the world of the Crime Syndicate of America, where Ultraman and Johnny Quick and Power Ring and Superwoman are the evil rulers of the world, and Lex Luthor and the Jester are fighting to save the world. Earth 2 Luthor escapes to Earth Prime to get the Justice League’s help.

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In the comics, he’s being manipulated into accidentally causing the destruction of both Earths by Earth 2’s Brainiac, who wants to capture the energy given off by the explosion for comic book science of some sort. In the movie, Owlman has allowed the discovery of alternate worlds to turn him into some sort of Nihilist John Calvin, and plans to destroy the multiverse because why not.

So there’s a big superhero fight, and here’s where my problem comes in: the League uses Johnny Quick’s speed and vibrational frequency to open a portal to an uninhabited Earth, so they can deposit Owlman and his ennui bomb there and let Owlman defuse it and live alone and unable to hurt anyone again. Batman specifically uses Quick and not Flash to open this portal because doing so kills Quick. So Batman pulls the “I won’t kill you but I don’t have to save you” stuff that lets him skate on a technicality in Batman Begins only here he does it to Owlman, and in doing so, he straight up causes the death of Earth 2 Flash. That’s a dealbreaker for me.

Watch Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths on Amazon.

Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010)

Bruce Greenwood is a great Batman. Under The Red Hood is another story that was better as a movie than it was as a comic, in part because of the voice casting (Greenwood as Bats, Neil Patrick Harris as Nightwing), and in part because the action sequences were fantastic. The comic was the story of Jason Todd, post resurrection, rejoining Gotham’s crimefighting community as DC’s Punisher, rounding up a bunch of mob types and eventually the Joker to get his revenge.

read more: How the Avengers Cartoon Influenced the Marvel Cinematic Universe

Thirteen Days is an amazing movie, so Greenwood could have spent his next 10 movies drooling and laughing at the audience and I still would love him, but here (and in Young Justice), he’s a great, understated Batman. The fights are really top notch, though, and they're the absolute biggest draw to this movie: acrobatic, with great flow and excellent choreography.

Watch Batman: Under the Red Hood on Amazon.

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse (2010)

I first watched this right after I saw Crisis on Two Earths, so I was a little harder on it initially than I needed to be. Then again, even without my initial reservation, this is not very good.

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse is an adaptation of Jeph Loeb and Michael Turner’s second arc of the Superman/Batman comic, this one gave us Supergirl’s emergence on Earth, Darkseid’s attempt at making her into a Female Fury, and cheekbones so high every guy looked like a starving, effeminate Punisher symbol.

read more - The Enduring Appeal of Batman: The Animated Series

My problem with it stems from Batman commiting murder again - he frees Kara from Darkseid’s clutches by (ugh I hate that I’m going to type this) turning on Apokalips’ self destruct sequence with some spores or something. He tells Darkseid he’ll shut the destruct sequence off if Darkseid lets Kara go. This is the rough equivalent of Batman holding a gun on someone’s spouse and saying “I won’t shoot if you stop doing crime.” It’s patently ridiculous, and grossly out of character for Batman, and you know what? I’m still mad about it.

Watch Superman/Batman: Apocalypse on Amazon.

Superman/Shazam: The Return of Black Adam (2010)

This wasn’t so much a movie as it was a lost Justice League Unlimited episode that works Black Adam into the world, and then a collection of a few other shorts that had been released on DVDs. The Superman/Shazam/Black Adam story is fun and entertaining, and the other stories on here are pretty good.

read more: The Amazing Music of the 1960s Spider-Man Animated Series

One is a fluffy, insubstantial Jonah Hex story; one has Neal McDonough playing Green Arrow, which is probably going to be difficult to reconcile for Arrow and Legends of Tomorrow fans, another has Gary Cole as ‘70s detective Jimmy Corrigan, who becomes The Spectre. These are all fun enough to watch if you find them in a bargain bin somewhere, but I don’t think I’d spend full price on one.

Watch Superman/Shazam: The Return of Black Adam on Amazon.

All-Star Superman (2011)

All-Star Superman is tough. The original comic, by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely, is probably my favorite comic of all time, so on the one hand I was excited to see it adapted, but on the other I was furious to see it adapted.

read more: Everything You Need to Know About the Harley Quinn Animated Series

My rule for moving stories between mediums is that there has to be a compelling point to make the switch - that it would look amazing in action, or that it would bring the story to more people, or something. There wasn’t really any point to doing All-Star Superman, though. It was so peculiarly comics that I think it lost something when it became animation. It was competently done, and had I not had any knowledge of the comic, I probably would have been happy with it, even if it was a little forgettable. But I really think the comic is a vastly better use of your time and money.

Watch All Star Superman on Amazon.

Green Lantern: Emerald Knights (2011)

Like Gotham Knight, this is an anthology. But unlike Gotham Knight, Green Lantern: Emerald Knights is actually good. The movie has a unified framing sequence involving Krona destroying Oa, but most of its time is spent on a collection of stories that are either fundamental to the Lantern mythology or all-time classics.

Alan Moore might not do great in the movies, but in animated form (well, here, at least...there's another attempt down below that we'll get to), his work is treated very well. Emerald Knights has two of his stories – “Mogo Doesn’t Socialize,” about the planet that’s also a Lantern, and “Abin Sur,” the story of Hal Jordan’s predecessor’s last mission (which led to the formation of the Red Lanterns). Both of them retain the spirit of his work, and fill out a casual viewer’s understanding of the GL mythos.

read more: The Essential Episodes of Tales From the Cryptkeeper

Kilowog gets a spotlight, and it’s as fun as you’d expect (note: Kilowog is awesome). Laira gets into a fistfight with her Dad and sets up her eventual trip to Ysmault, and there is a story of how the Lanterns eventually came to use creative constructs in their regular duties.

This is good for long time GL fans, and it’s good for people who are just getting to know the character and want more about his world.

Watch Green Lantern: Emerald Knights on Amazon.

Batman: Year One (2011)

Only once has a casting decision completely overwhelmed everything else about one of these projects, and it was here. This is a compressed adaptation of Frank Miller and David Mazzucchelli’s classic story. As a result, they miss some parts and pay too little attention to others because the run time is barely over an hour.

But that’s not important.

Casting Bryan Cranston as Jim Gordon is so unbelievably perfect that I can’t believe there isn’t some kind of internet petition demanding that this happen in perpetuity. It’s like JK Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson: it doesn’t matter how many times the story gets rebooted or how many different studios are in charge of the movies or how many different eras the story covers, there is now and will always be only one correct casting for Gordon, and that’s Cranston.

read more: 10 Hilarious Ways the Original Voltron Censored Death A brief note about the combo packs: I believe they used the latest printing of Batman: Year One in the combo release with the DVD, and because of that, you should buy the two separately here. There were real problems with the coloring in the new edition, so make sure you get an older version of the comic.

Watch Batman: Year One on Amazon.

Justice League: Doom (2012)

I’m sure it wouldn't be so well regarded were it not for this, but Justice League: Doom reunites most of the old DCAU voice cast (Kevin Conroy, Tim Daly, Susan Eisenberg, Michael Rosenbaum, and Carl Lumbly as Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, and Martian Manhunter), so I will always love it.

It helps that it’s based (very loosely) on “Tower of Babel,” Mark Waid and Howard Porter’s story from JLA. In it, Vandal Savage uses the Xavier Protoco…I mean countermeasures designed to take out the Justice League – Batman’s parents’ bodies are stolen; Wonder Woman gets all hopped up on nanites that make her think everyone is Cheetah (and thus needs a good punching), Superman gets…uh…shot with a kryptonite bullet… You know, killing some of these dudes isn’t rocket science.

read more: The Scariest Episodes of The Real Ghostbusters

Anyway, it turns out all these countermeasures were designed by Batman, but stolen by Vandal Savage and the Secret Society of Super Villains, and everybody gets saved by Cyborg. The fights were good, while the writing was clever and changed enough from the comics that it showed Dwayne McDuffie’s wonderful grasp of the characters.

Watch Justice League: Doom on Amazon.

Superman vs. The Elite (2012)

Action Comics #775 (“What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice and the American Way?”) is a really good comic. It was a direct response to The Authority’s “if superheroes were real, they’d all be murderous assholes” attitude, and it had some really sweet Doug Mahnke art. As a restatement of Superman’s core principles, it was incredibly effective, but also fairly complex philosophically...at least for a Superman comic.

read more: Why is Vehicle Voltron Forgotten?

So that’s why Superman vs. The Elite is utterly puzzling.

It’s fundamentally the same story. Superman battles “The Elite,” a group of morally grey anti-heroes who reflect the dark, shitty world of today. They start killing all the villains, and Superman tries to stop them, so they fight, and Superman wins by showing them he can kill them whenever he wants, but he refuses to because he wants them to be better than that. But the whole thing is done in this ridiculous cartoony art style, like if someone wanted to hand draw a more violent Super Hero Squad Show, and it undercuts any complexity or nuance that the script might have been trying to get across.

Watch Superman vs. The Elite on Amazon.

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (2013)

Warner Brothers released this adaptation of Frank Miller’s genre-changing, character-breaking work in two parts, but they’re one movie and you’re fooling yourself if you treat them differently. The first part takes the mutant story, and the second has the showdowns with the Joker and Superman.

read more: Extreme Ghostbusters is Better Than You Remember

In my head, when I envision Batman, it’s always Miller’s. I like a Batman that’s massive and hulking, who carries himself in the most intimidating way possible and terrifies people just by being in the same room as them. This movie was one of the more successful ones at adapting the art style as well as the story, and the fight in the mudpit between Batman and the mutant leader is one of my favorite moments from any film in this series.

Watch Batman: The Dark Knight Returns on Amazon.

Superman Unbound (2013)

Superman Unbound was based loosely on Geoff Johns’ and Gary Frank’s story of Superman meeting Brainiac from just before the New 52 reboot, and it's certainly better than this movie. In it, Superman is helping Supergirl adjust to life on Earth and dealing with a secret relationship with Lois when a robot drone hits just outside of Arizona. It’s a scout for Brainiac, and it means the villain is coming to destroy the planet and capture a city.

The biggest crime of the movie is that it wastes John Noble as Brainiac. Also, there's a faint whiff of anti-intellectualism. And the anti-museum-ness of it. And how Superman beats Brainiac by exposing a latent mental illness.

read more: The Craziest Episodes of the Beetlejuice Animated Series

It feels hurried, like they had a little more exposition that would have made all this feel less mean-spirited and on-the-nose, but it got cut for time. Noble doesn’t really get much to do besides gently sneer at Superman, a gross waste of the man who should have won every Emmy imaginable for his work as the various Walter Bishops on Fringe. Yes, even Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy.

Watch Superman Unbound on Amazon.

Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox (2013)

It might be controversial, but I think I liked the movie version better than I did the comic mega-crossover that started the New 52. The Flashpoint Paradox is a what-if story where Barry Allen successfully goes back in time to stop his mother’s murder, and wakes up in a horrible world where his mother is alive, but Themyscira and Atlantis are about to destroy the world; Batman is Thomas Wayne instead of Bruce (and he murders), while Cyborg is the leader of the Justice League, trying to stop the Amazon/Atlantis war.

It really works. In the comics, it was large to the point of unwieldy, and tough for someone not already neck deep in DC lore to get passionately invested in, because we’d seen it before, and that robbed it of anything resembling real stakes.

On screen, though, it’s much more interesting and effective, and a lot of excess is cut away by the short run time. Michael B. Jordan is a good Cyborg, and Kevin McKidd as Thomas Wayne did a good job of fitting into the continuum of Batmans.

Watch Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox on Amazon.

Justice League: War (2014)

I have a confession to make: remember how I said that the quality of the movies is usually directly related to the quality of the comic they’re based on? Well, I HATED the first arc of New 52 Justice League. Anakin burbling rage crawling out of a lava pit doesn’t even begin to describe how angry the comic made me.

So...it was tough to watch Justice League: War. Everyone in it is a monosyllabic jackass except Wonder Woman, who just talks like a naive 5 year old who’s just leaving the house for the first time. Yes I know that’s the point of this Wonder Woman, but she sounds like an idiot and that’s not what she’s supposed to be.

I’m baffled, after we’ve had so many good individual Darkseids that they would choose to do that awful composite voice for him, and by the time I turned the movie off in disgust, the movie was also well on its way to turning Billy Batson into a smarmy little dipshit.

Watch Justice League: War on Amazon.

Son of Batman (2014)

I don’t get why Deathstroke had to be shoved into this. He shows up exactly once in Grant Morrison’s entire run, and that’s as much out of obligation (Deathstroke is a good Robin villain, but not a good anyone else villain, so having him show up for five minutes to fight Dick Grayson as Batman and Damian was nice), so it’s not like the source material screamed for his inclusion.

But Warner Bros. just keep pushing him into other media trying to make him seem cool. Look, he worked okay in Arrow and he was one of the best parts of Teen Titans, but there is no reason to shoehorn him into the League of Shadows.

Son of Batman movie is okay, but Deathstroke was a symptom of its bigger problem. It tries too hard.

Watch Son of Batman on Amazon.

Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014)

Assault on Arkham is an original story set in the world of the Batman: Arkham games.

Nothing about Assault on Arkham is Earth-moving. It isn't even a terribly clever look at any of the characters (Deadshot, the Riddler, King Shark, Harley, Joker, Captain Boomerang, or Batman). It’s just a brief-ish action flick that’s a lot of fun and worth your time.

Watch Batman: Assault on Arkham on Amazon.

Justice League: Throne of Atlantis (2015)

Thankfully, the direct sequel to Justice League: War turned off almost all of the qualities that I hated, and kept up a solid action base. It even managed to make some of the douchery fun (very likely attributable to the switch from Justin Kirk back to Nathan Fillion for Hal Jordan's voice).

This story combined a couple of arcs of Geoff Johns’ New 52 Aquaman - the first arc that introduces Arthur as a serious player in the DCU, and the “Throne of Atlantis” crossover with Justice League. Sam Witwer as Ocean Master was a lot more fun than I figured he’d be, even if I do usually enjoy him because I loved him as Starkiller in The Force Unleashed.

Arthur Curry discovers his origin as a half-Atlantean heir to the throne and with the help of the Justice League and his Civil War general-esque mutton chop sideburns, he manages to stop a war between Atlantis and the surface world. I wouldn’t put this in the top five, but it was enjoyable enough.

Watch Justice League: Throne of Atlantis on Amazon.

Batman vs. Robin (2015)

The Court of Owls has been a good addition to the Bat universe in the comics, but in their first animated appearance, they fall a little flat. Damian is being willful and sneaking out to do crimefighting, and Batman wants him to slow it down a little. They run into Talon, and the Court tries to bring Bruce into the fold, but he declines (with punches) and everybody fights. It’s a little more complex than that, but not by much.

As with the rest of the latest batch of new movies, the fights in Batman vs. Robin are great. Hell, I think Talon even moved like Mugen from Samurai Champloo in his fight with Nightwing.

But the big problem here was the writing - it was a weird combination of on the nose and clumsy that took me out of the movie. Like at the end, when Talon is leading his army into Wayne Manor to fight Batman, and he’s already found out that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same, but he walks into a room saying “End of the line, Bruce. Or should I say...Batman!” and it’s supposed to be this big dramatic moment, but he’s dressed as Batman, so it’s not really surprising that he’s deduced that Batman stands in front of him.

Or when the Court is first mentioned, it’s in a flashback conversation between Bruce and his father, after his father recites the Gotham-specific Court of Owls nursery rhyme. Bruce asks his father “Is it real?” and the conversation goes (rough paraphrasing)

“Is there a secret cabal of billionaires controlling Gotham and sending their Talon out to kill anyone who disagrees with them?”

“Yeah.”

“Well principles of mediocre storytelling dictate that that’s exactly what’s going to happen, Bruce. We didn’t even bother shading it a little.”

Watch Batman vs. Robin on Amazon.

Justice League: Gods and Monsters (2015)

As time has gone on, DC Universe Original Movies have drifted from comic adaptations to encompass projects like this one, an entirely original story that fulfills all the promise of the feature-length animated movies. Gods and Monsters feels like a classic Elseworlds story, a world where small changes mean wholesale differences in the “modern day” world. In it, Superman is the child of Not Jor-El and Lara, but Lara and General Zod, found and raised by undocumented immigrants on their way into the USA. Wonder Woman is Highfather’s granddaughter. Batman is Kirk Langstrom gone full vampire.

Like the best Elseworlds stories, there is plenty of fanservice (every DCU super-scientist except Professor Milo gets some face time), but it also wisely avoids the What If trap - there’s no mention of Diana or Bruce Wayne. Just a story about a violent, cynical Justice League coming to terms with a darker world. It’s really great.

Watch Justice League: Gods and Monsters on Amazon.

Batman: Bad Blood (2016)

Bad Blood is technically an original story, but it might as well be Batman, Inc.: The Movie. Batman seemingly dies saving Batwoman from The Heretic (!) and his gang of z-lister backup. Oh, and we find out that Talia has a plot to hypnotize the most powerful people in the world into obeying her. Dick as Batman, Damian, Batwoman, and Luke Fox in the Batwing costume all have to save the day.

Dick Grayson is my third favorite Robin, but Dick and Damian are my favorite Batman & Robin pair, and as soon as I realized that that’s what this movie would be, I got excited. It’s a direct sequel to the last two Batman movies (Son of Batman and Batman vs. Robin), but it’s vastly superior in every way. The opening fight sequence might be the best out of all these movies, and even a full day after watching it for the first time, I’m still ASTOUNDED that they put The Heretic in there and didn’t make it silly or pointless.

Watch Batman: Bad Blood on Amazon.

Justice League vs. Teen Titans (2016)

This movie came at what seemed to be a weird transition time for DC Universe Original Movies. DC was pushing hard for everything to be Justice League related, hence the shoehorned in title and adult team. The story ended up being a very loose adaptation of the classic Teen Titans storyline, "The Terror of Trigon," where Raven's father, the lord of Hell, Trigon, attempts to take over Earth by controlling members of the League.

The end product is fairly middling. It suffers a bit from the weird continuity of the animated movies - it's also a loose sequel to the previous handful of in-continuity DC animated movies. It's also hurt by something endemic to the Teen Titans features on this list: the story was already done better by the mid-aughts Teen Titans animated series. However, the fight scenes continue to improve over the prior movies, and that's enough to make this entertaining and watchable, even if the movie isn't really anything to write home about.

Watch Justice League vs. Teen Titans on Amazon

Batman: The Killing Joke (2016)

Piping hot garbage.

Oh, you want more? Ok. Don't adapt Alan Moore stories.

[Editor's note: Jim...]

Okay fine. The original comic this movie was based on was roughly 60 pages long, enough content to fill probably 45 minutes without long, uncomfortable silences to pad the length. The story follows the Joker as he shoots Barbara Gordon in the spine, then kidnaps Commissioner Gordon, strips him naked, and makes him ride through a funhouse full of pictures of her naked and bleeding out. So rather than pad it, they put a half hour of prologue on the story where they turn Batgirl into a whining narcissist with a weird hot/cold sexual relationship with Batman and a Gay Best Friend (tm). This Batman/Batgirl relationship is probably the worst thing that Timm et al have foisted on Batman continuity - it came up in Batman Beyond, and it was super weird there, too.

Ultimately, the Joker is unsuccessful in his attempts to torture Commissioner Gordon into insanity. Maybe he should have just shown him this movie. The subpar animation alone probably would have worked.

Watch Batman: The Killing Joke on Amazon

Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders (2016)

Your reaction to this movie is going to depend entirely on how much you worship the 1960s Batman TV series. If you've never experienced it, whether you care to at some point in the future or not, you should skip this. If you liked it, if you enjoyed watching it in reruns when you got home from school, but you've felt almost no need to revisit it in more than a decade, you'll probably get a kick out of parts of this. If you adore it and put Adam West's version of the character higher than Kevin Conroy's, this movie is aimed squarely at you and the only question is how sensitive you are to pandering.

I'm being a little negative, because I fall squarely in the second group. This animated movie brings Adam West back as Batman; Burt Ward as Robin; and Julie Newmar as Catwoman; and its animating premise is "what would an episode of the old TV show look like if it was an hour long and unrestrained by being a live action tv show?" They crank the nostalgia up to 10, with the Pows and the Thwacks and the other violence-averting title cards, but they also sneak in a cloud-light but still entertaining story about Batman turning bad and duplicating himself over and over until he takes over all of Gotham. There are some genuinely inspired bits - the fact that evil Batman lifts whole lines from Dark Knight Returns is pretty funny - and great voice work from Ward and West (replacement Police Chief Batman deadpanning "Begorrah" was also hilarious), but this movie is mostly really uneven.

The animation tries really hard to replicate the TV show, and it gets a little jinky in parts, and Julie Newmar's Catwoman voice...it's not there anymore. If you loved the old show, there's probably enough here to be worth your while. If not, you should skip it.

Watch Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders on Amazon

Justice League Dark (2017)

Matt Ryan is a gem. TV's John Constantine has managed to successfully inhabit the role, from his own show on NBC, through guest spots on Arrow, a regular role on Legends of Tomorrow, and now in an animated story about DC's magical heroes banding together to save the world. Dr. Destiny the sneakily good and criminally underused villain, is causing regular people to hallucinate that they are surrounded by demons, making them commit horrible crimes against their fellow man. Constantine, Zatanna, Batman, and Deadman gather a team of mystical heroes, band together, and eventually defeat the bad guy.

This movie is a lot of fun. Ryan's voice and screenwriter Ernie Altbeck's script do a great job of capturing scumbag Constantine. The story ends up featuring Etrigan heavily, and that's always a good thing. Justice League Dark ended up being one of the best recent entries into the DC animated movie universe.

Buy Justice League Dark on Amazon

Teen Titans: The Judas Contract (2017)

Despite facing the same structural weaknesses as Justice League vs. Teen Titans, The Judas Contract overcomes almost all of them thanks to much stronger writing.

The Judas Contract was one of the first movies announced for this slate, but for a variety of reasons took the better part of a decade to come out. That's usually the kiss of death for a movie, but the strength of the source material is such that the various shifts that went into it - Damian as Robin, Jaime Reyes' Blue Beetle - ended up making the movie stronger. Terra, a geomorph, joins the Teen Titans as they adjust to life as a superhero team. Turns out she's a plant, put in place by Deathstroke the Terminator to rip the team apart from the inside.

The voice work is stellar. Christina Ricci makes Terra vulnerable, badass, and creepy all at the same time, and Miguel Ferrer does great work as Deathstroke in one of his final roles. And much like Justice League vs. Teen Titans, the fight scenes are exemplary, especially the ones involving Nightwing. The Judas Contract easily ranks in the top 5 of these animated movies.

Buy Teen Titans: The Judas Contract on Amazon

Batman and Harley Quinn (2017)

Believe it or not, this was not the first time I've ever said "Oh cool, the Floronic Man" out loud. I was kidding both times I said it, and it seems Bruce Timm and I are on the same page here.

Timm wrote this movie, and considers it a part of the DC Animated Universe proper - Kevin Conroy and Loren Lester are back in their New Batman Adventures roles of Batman and Nightwing, while Melissa Rauch from Big Bang Theory takes over as Harley. And what we ultimately get is a straight up comedy.

It was a little jarring at first - Harley doing the nasty with Nightwing, the casual vulgarity, the superheroine-themed Hooters style restaurant. But I'll be damnd if these folks aren't talented as hell. The writing is spot on, the action is as good as it always is, and the delivery, especially from Rauch, is outstanding. There's one fart sequence in the Batmobile that is maybe the funniest thing that's been in the Timmverse. It's offbeat, but Batman and Harley Quinn is worth watching if you're a DCAU fan.

Watch Batman and Harley Quinn on Amazon

Batman vs. Two-Face (2017)

The latest and presumably final Batman '66 animated movie is much like the first. It's clever and fun, like a really good episode of the television show. But the fact that this is Adam West's final appearance as Batman also makes it a little melancholy.

The movie shows us the '66 version of Two-Face's origin, then jumps ahead to what seems to be his last caper. It borrows heavily from the Two-Face story in Dark Knight Returns, only if you added in King Tut and Bookworm. William Shatner does outstanding work bouncing between Harvey Dent and Two-Face, playing Dent as timid and adding a growly gurgle to Two-Face's voice. The writers add in a few inspired jokes to keep the story moving briskly. And the memorial to West is touching. This is worth watching for that connection to history, and because it's well made and entertaining.

Watch Batman vs. Two-Face on Amazon

Batman: Gotham by Gaslight

Here’s the problem with adapting iconic stories like Gotham by Gaslight: you have to capture what made the comic iconic in the first place, and I can tell you that the premise wasn’t it. “Steampunk Batman vs. Jack the Ripper” made up enough fanfiction to occupy 1/6th of all the storage capacity of Web 1.0. So strike one against the animated adaptation is that the animation style wasn’t Mike Mignola. It actually looked more like Ed McGuiness - normally not a problem, but it didn’t work here.

read more - Batman: Gotham by Gaslight Review

Secondly, I haven’t had a reaction to a DC movie reveal like this since Man of Steel. When Clark snapped Zod’s neck, the person I saw the movie with had to shush me because I was saying “NOPE” too loudly in the theater. The person I saw this with had the same reaction when we found out who Jack was. I won’t spoil anything, but you should make an effort to skip this one if you can.

Watch Batman: Gotham by Gaslight on Amazon

Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay

What a pleasant surprise Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay is. This isn’t the first time the Squad has been put into animated form - their Arkham games franchise version showed up in an earlier flick (Assault on Arkham) and they’ve been in the Justice League animated series and will turn up in Young Justice shortly - but this is the version that had the most fidelity to the classic comics that launched the team.

read more - Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay is Better Than the DCEU Movie

The John Ostrander/Kim Yale/Luke McDonnell run on Suicide Squad is one of the best runs of any superhero comic of all time. They packed the cast with obscure villains and killed them almost at will, but the ones they kept there had real tension and strongly developed characters. We get all of that in this movie. It’s twisty, fun, violent and full of bad people and good ones doing bad things. Three big names (at least for Suicide Squad fans) die in the first 15 minutes just to show how badass somebody is. Hell to Pay is a ton of fun.

Watch Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay on Amazon

Batman: Ninja

Do not touch anything that might possibly be considered a mind altering substance before viewing Batman: Ninja. You won’t come back. Here’s an example of why:

The climax of the film sees Deathstroke, Gorilla Grodd, Penguin, Poison Ivy, and Two Face’s castles merge to form one super mech castle under the control of Joker and Harley Quinn, creating ultra mecha Lord Joker. Grodd, mad at the Joker for taking over his castle, gives Batman and Robin control of his army of monkeys, who merge to form one giant gestalt samurai monkey to fight Mecha Lord Joker. When that’s not enough to win, the Bat Clan ninja call out an army of bats, who wrap the super monkey in their flapping wings and form the Bat God (who is actually just Jiro Kuwata’s Batman from Batmanga).

If you even have a strong beer before watching that, you’re not going to process it. But you should totally watch it. It’s every bit as bonkers as it sounds. And it’s gorgeous to look at. DC tried something very different with Batman: Ninja, and succeeded.

Watch Batman: Ninja on Amazon

The Death of Superman/Reign of the Supermen

Other movies in this continuity have functioned as sequels, but The Death of Superman and Reign of the Supermen aren’t really sequential films. They’re two halves of the same movie. That feels unfair, because both structurally function as independent movies, but it’s so hard to treat them separately because it’s impossible to imagine one without the other. Even with their close ties, they’re both very entertaining.

The success of Death/Reign isn’t in their skill at adapting the classic Superman stories to animation. It’s actually in their skill in adapting the classic Superman stories to the DCAU continuity. The comics they’re based on are underrated classics. The books are written off as ‘90s gimmicks because on their face they are - killing off a beloved character with a polybagged splash-page-only issue is only missing “clone” and “variant covers” to hit Speculator Bingo. But underneath those tropes was a genuine, moving, emotionally honest story with some timelessly great art, and a reexamination of Superman’s relevance in a world that seemed to be moving on.

You don’t necessarily get that depth out of animated Death/Reign, but you do get a sense of Superman’s value in the world that these DCAU movies have created - a Justice League full of heavy hitters fighting not to let Clark down, a Steel and Superboy fighting to live up to the legacy they’ve inherited and a Hank Henshaw with some legitimate complaints. It’s also a lot of fun to see what they’ve tweaked to fit the continuity, and what they cribbed from other sources (there’s a LOT of Superman/Doomsday: Hunter/Prey in Reign of the Supermen) to fill out the tale. Both of these movies are worth your time.

Watch Reign of the Supermen on Amazon

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My 2017 in Pop Culture

Same deal as usual. This is what meant most to me last year in pop culture.

Top Forty Things From 2017

40. The Mummy I liked it. It's definitely got the worked-over vibe that people most object to in these shared-universe experiments, and it goes a little bigger and more action-heavy than I'd probably prefer for a Universal Monster movie. But, I liked the way it fused a modern Tom Cruise narrative with a traditional monster story. I liked the genuine horror movie flourishes throughout. I liked the winks at monster fans in the Prodigium headquarters. I loved Sofia Boutella's Ahmanet. And I loved Russell Crowe's silly/creepy thug Mr. Hyde. This one also got bonus points for The Mummy: Dark Universe Stories, the iPhone game that came out a month after the film. The story plays out a sequel to the movie, but the real nerdy thrill of it was the way it incorporated a bunch of original Universal Monsters characters and ideas, including Lisa Glendon from Werewolf of London and Kharis and Boris Karloff's Ardeth Bay from the original Mummy movies! 39. Baby Driver This was just a delight, a combination of classic crime movie and classic musical with that Edgar Wright energy giving it that extra nitrous burst of excitement. 38. "Every Country Has a Monster" on Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return I'm one of those fans who loved Mystery Science Theater 3000 when he stumbled across it on cable in the 90s but has a little trouble with the way it gave license to a certain sourness and superiority about older movies among some audiences. Still, I found myself looking forward to the revival with a little trepidation as to whether it would find the right tone (or recapture the lo-fi public access charm of the original). The first twenty minutes or so of the first episode back (focused on the Danish giant monster movie Reptilicus, so they were doing well by me right off the bat) were pretty promising, but this song about giant monsters of myth across the world was where I decided I was on board for this revival. 37. Happy Death Day What a fun time this was! It's got a really charming lead performance and a fun story hook, but it's really the energy and inventiveness that it applies to slasher movie/Groundhog Day story of self-improvement that put it over the top for me. 36. John Wick Chapter 2/Free Fire/Atomic Blonde Hard to pick from among the three of these in terms of which action movie I had the most fun with this year. They've all got something special to recommend them. 35. The Scariest Story Ever: A Mickey Mouse Halloween This doesn't quite scale the heights of last year's Duck the Halls Christmas special, but it was still a funny, thoroughly delightful seasonal treat that I'll probably make a point of watching next October too. 34. My Favorite Thing is Monsters Vol. 1 I checked it out because I'd read it was a comic about a 10-year-old girl who was obsessed with monsters (picturing herself as a little wolfman) who tries to solve the murder of her neighbor. What I got was a moving story about historical injustice and personal revelation told with dazzling illustration. Really, this knocked me out. 33. Gemini/Murder on the Orient Express I think Gemini is actually going to be a 2018 release, but these two mystery films really scratched an itch for me this year. I was a big fan of director Aaron Katz's Cold Weather, a wonderful little mumblecore mystery story, but I wasn't prepared for how much I dug his twisty neo-noir, Gemini. And Murder on the Orient Express was kind of a similarly satisfying experience on the other end of the spectrum: a lavish, big-budget adaptation with a cast stocked with movie stars and exciting up-and-comers. I loved it, and now I'm all about seeing Branagh continue to work on his little proposed Agatha Christie universe. #thirtyBranaghPoirotmovies 32. Okja It's a new Bong Joon-ho film! That means it's got a bunch of thrilling filmmaking, wild performances, tricky tonal shifts, and a beautifully clear-eyed honest empathy. 31. The Get Down Season One, Part Two I was sorry to see this one cancelled after the still thrilling but also melancholy second half came out this year. I really fell in love with these characters, and it was always an exciting experience. And this was just one of the many Netflix shows I really loved this year (including Mindhunter, BoJack Horseman, Lady Dynamite, GLOW, Orange is the New Black, and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt). 30. The ending of Split I loved the rest of Split, and I was already onboard the M. Night Shyamalan comeback train from The Visit (after riding like five movies on the “oh no, he’s lost it so bad!” train). But those surprising final moments of Split, while holding the potential for another dive into disastrous hubris, made me straight up gasp out loud in confusion & delight.

29. The Samurai Jack Revival/Finale I enjoyed a lot of the original run of Samurai Jack, but I wasn’t exactly a devoted viewer & hadn’t particularly missed it in its absence. So I checked out the revival largely just to see what the great Genndy Tartakovsky would to with it after spending time on other projects. And wow! It turned out not only to be a truly gorgeous & riveting experience, but it also took the characters & elements of the original & gave them some interesting psychology & moral challenges. 28. Nathan for You’s "Finding Frances" I love Nathan For You, but this year’s season finale, “Finding Frances,” was probably the most interesting thing he’s done with the format. In some ways it’s basically Nathan For You: The Movie, finding a sprawling emotional journey, still filled with nutball comic cul de sacs, that also digs into the “Nathan” character & finds a new place to take him by the end. 27. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events Season One I figured I’d check out the first season, despite the fact that it would mostly be covering the same material covered in the totally decent Jim Carrey movie, because I was interested to see Barry Sonnenfield finally get a shot at the material & because I wanted to see what they’d do with the later books. But from the first moments with Patrick Warburton’s Serling-esque take on Lemony Snicket (and that infectious theme song) I fell in love with the show. The cast is great, the adaptation work is clever and involving (including an ingenious side story with Will Arnett & Cobie Smulders that seems brilliantly designed to provide different-but-complementary experiences for fans and non-fans), and I stress again how much I loved Warburton. There’s also a wonderful flourish in the season finale that amped my love into adoration. 26. A Cure For Wellness If Gore Verbinski can keep getting people to give him huge budgets to make big, weird genre films about the rot at the center of capitalism and western civilization, I will keep seeing them and (presumably) loving them. 25. Opening sequence of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets The rest of the movie is a colorful bit of fun, but the opening sequence where we see, via montage, the establishment and development of the titular city of a thousand planets, is as sublime and moving a movie moment as any I saw this year. Thrillingly optimistic and hopeful, Besson briefly hits on something more than his usual enjoyably daffy nonsense. 24. Final seasons of The Leftovers & Vice Principals Two HBO shows I loved aired their final seasons this year. Both of them had set themselves up with particularly tricky tasks in providing satisfying resolutions without either ruining the mystique of what had come before or pulling their punches in a way that impacted the whole. And they both nailed it. 23. A Ghost Story I wrote about this one for SportsAlcohol.com. I found it bewitching and it stayed with me. 22. Star Trek: Discovery It was a long wait, but this new Star Trek show pretty immediately justified my subscription to yet another streaming service all on its own. I love the characters, I’m engrossed in the storytelling, and I’m challenged by the moral and intellectual ideas it’s exploring. Good Star Trek. (This also may as well be where I mention that I also watched, and pretty much enjoyed, the whole first season of Seth Macfarlane’s generic brand Trek cover, The Orville. Pretty well scratches whatever old school Trek itch Discovery could have left me with.) 21. Wormwood I love most everything of his that I’ve seen, but this is basically in competition with Tabloid for my favorite Errol Morris project.

20. Gorogoa Feels almost silly that I found what basically amounts to a puzzle game for my phone so entrancing & even spiritual. But I LOVED this thing. My only complaint is that it wished it kept going and going. 19. DuckTales Wrote about this for SportsAlcohol.com. A testament to how delightful this show is can be found in the fact that I put it in this slot instead of the also hugely enjoyable Milo Murphy’s Law. 18. Marvel Cinematic Universe While this year I definitely cooled on the Marvel television offerings (I still watched and enjoyed the Netflix shows despite some underwhelmed feelings, and I'm still pretty high on Agents of SHIELD, but Inhumans was a total misfire), it was perhaps the best year yet for Marvel Studios's cinematic offerings. I totally loved Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Spider-Man: Homecoming, and Thor Ragnarok. They each offered something fairly distinct and emotionally engaging (even Ragnarok, despite it's hilariously cheeky tone) and they were all a complete blast. Best Guardians yet, best Spider-man yet, best Thor yet! 17. Lady Bird Between 2016’s Edge of Seventeen and this, guess I’m gonna hope for a wonderful teen girl coming-of-age movie every other year. And thanks to Saoirse Ronan, Laurie Metcalf, and the idiosyncratic empathy of Greta Gerwig, this one was a true highlight of 2017. 16. Get Out The terrific horror-themed sketches on Key & Peele suggested a genuine feel for the genre, so it wasn’t a huge reach to expect Jordan Peele’s directorial debut horror movie to turn out well. But this one still felt like a revelation at the beginning of the year (not to mention a huge event when seen with an audience). 15. Your Name Another wonderful surprise, this one makes some clever and twisty shifts as what starts out as a charming body-switching comedy reveals an emotional core that really swept me away. 14. War for the Planet of the Apes I wrote about this one for SportsAlcohol.com. 13. Blade Runner 2049 I also wrote about this one for SportsAlcohol.com. 12. The Post I wrote about this for SportsAlcohol.com too! 11. Coco Look, I’m generally less excited about Pixar’s sequels than I am about its originals (and I generally really like or love their sequels! but still...), and Coco is a perfect example of why. It’s a great story with a bunch of lovable new characters, beautiful new worlds, and the fun of seeing something new. And as is often the case, it also packs a real emotional wallop. 10. S-Town Speaking of emotional wallops, this podcast miniseries was already shaping up to be an involving look at a fascinating character, but a bombshell dropped in an early episode spins the thing into something deeper and more powerful than anything else I listened to this year.

9. Colossal Wrote about this for SportsAlcohol.com. 8. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel While this show has many things that set it apart from the other Amy Sherman-Palladino shows I love (namely Gilmore Girls & Bunheads), it does share the qualities of being unstoppably effervescent and entertaining while offering hidden depths. We gulped the whole season down in two plane rides and can’t wait for the next batch. 7. Star Wars: The Last Jedi Wrote about the movie on SportsAlcohol.com. It was another good Star Wars year in general, with some excellent Star Wars Rebels episodes, the continuation of the fantastic Marvel comics, and some cool novels (generally I didn't read any bad Star Wars books this year, so that's good; personal highlights were Aftermath: Empire's End and Leia: Princess of Alderaan). But the real highlight was, of course, the movie. It was a joyful, powerful experience opening night (in a way that felt interestingly different from the experience of The Force Awakens), and it’s a movie that has lingered and deepened in my mind as I’ve thought about it. 6. The Shape of Water I run pretty hot and lukewarm on Guillermo del Toro (that is to say, I don’t particularly dislike any of his movies, but while I love some of them, others just don’t connect like I feel they should, despite how much the separate elements might appeal to me). But for every one that I just like okay, he connects with something like this, a gorgeous, perverse fairy tale retelling of the Creature From the Black Lagoon with tributes to Cold War paranoia, classic movie musicals, and a great Michael Shannon performance added to the mix. Just a lovely tribute to the way love can unite the disenfranchised and overlooked. 5. Kong: Skull Island An eye-popping fever dream of a monster mash, this movie assembled a stacked cast of actors I love and surrounded them with some of the most stunning monster movie images I’ve ever seen. A++++infinity 4. Stranger Things 2 What a wonderful surprise the first season of this show was, and what a relief and a joy to get this sequel that is, in most ways, even better. By the final scenes of the finale, I was more in love than ever. 3. The Florida Project I wrote a bit about this for SportsAlcohol.com, so I think it’s enough to say here that this is a very special movie. 2. American Vandal What a wonderful little surprise this was! Like Stranger Things last year, this was something that popped up on Netflix & gave me something I didn’t know I wanted. On one level, it’s just a silly, dirty joke really elaborately told. But on another level, it’s a sneakily moving portrait of the way that expectations and choices made when you’re young can really impact what you become in that transition from teenager to adult.

1. Twin Peaks: The Return I was looking forward to this, and I had a pretty open mind as far as what it could be or what to expect from it. But I still had no idea how amazing and immersive and gripping it would all be. I wrote about it over at SportsAlcohol.com and talked about it on the podcast and I STILL only scratched the surface of how I felt about it.

Top Twenty Things I'm Excited About in 2018

Arrested Development Returns! I adored both the original run of the show and the fourth season that hit Netflix five years ago. I cannot wait for this. The Ballad of Buster Scruggs It's the new Coen brothers project. And it's supposed to be something like six hours of new Coen brothers project. Holy smokes. The Last Best Story I really loved Maggie's last book, and the tidbits I've heard about this one make it sound terrific. Been anticipating this one for nearly three years and it's almost here! Isle of Dogs Wes Anderson movies pretty much automatically quality as "most anticipated" for me, and the trailer for this one looks thoroughly delightful. And it hopefully augurs an exciting year for stop motion animation. While I'm obviously into The Incredibles II and Ralph Wrecks the Internet, I'm even more intrigued with the untitled Laika film scheduled for this year. There's been so little news about it, it seems possible it won't actually hit this year, but even if it doesn't there's Early Man, a new Aardman film directed by Nick Park due out in February, and Jan Svankmajer's final film, Insects, that I hope makes its way to the US this year. Ready Player One I'm sure I'd see this one no matter what, but the fact that Steven Spielberg directed it means I'm actively excited to catch it on day one. Marvel Cinematic Universe After a stellar 2017 (and all the goodwill they built up over the last ten years in general) I'd be excited for their three pictures this year. So the fact that they've got Black Panther (a terrific cast in Ryan Coogler's follow-up to Creed!), Avengers: Infinity War (the beginning of this big two-year culmination event, written & directed by the folks who made my beloved Captain America movies), and Ant-Man and the Wasp (I had a great time with the first one, and Down With Love guarantees Peyton Reed my attention forever), gives me confidence that they'll have another great year in 2018. Star Wars I'm forever excited about Star Wars (or at least the current firehose volume of it still hasn't made me bored of it yet) so I'm pretty interested to see Solo: A Star Wars Story, and I'm also really on the hook to see the final batch of episodes of Star Wars Rebels. Roseanne Revival Maybe I'm just tempting fate because of how the Twin Peaks revival turned out, but I'm excited for this one. I love the original show (one of my favorite little things about getting cable has been that Roseanne is on one channel or another almost all the time) and I'm equally apprehensive about and intrigued by the news that's come out about the revival so far. But I'll definitely be watching the whole thing. Lethal White AND Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald A new Cormoran Strike book and a new Wizarding World movie with a screenplay by J.K. Rowling! I understand why neither of them are exactly the kind of cultural event that the Potter books and movies were, but I'm personally so excited for both. A Wrinkle in Time AND Mary Poppins Returns Two big Disney productions that are super up my alley, so I'm grouping them together. Wrinkle promises an adaptation of a wonderful book from an exciting director and a fantastic cast. And Poppins has the liability of a director I've been extremely mixed on in the past, but it also has a perfect cast and the original Mary Poppins is a movie a really love deeply. Really excited to have these bookending the year. A New Cloverfield The God Particle was on this list last year, and it's on there again this year. We're only a couple of weeks into the year and it's already been delayed again, so this is in hopes that it does really come out this April. But in any case, with God Particle and Overlord, another mysterious genre film from Bad Robot that fans have been speculating could be another Cloverfield movie, both scheduled for release this year, seems pretty likely we'll at least get one new Cloverfield picture. (UPDATE SINCE I WROTE THIS: the game is afoot again!) Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters It's got a killer premise and it's just hit Netflix! I'm excited for this one, and it seems possible that the second film in the announced trilogy could also hit Netflix before the end of the year. New Darin Morgan X-Files episode The new season of the X-Files revival already seems off to a stronger start than the last one, but no matter what it does hold the promise of another new episode by writer Darin Morgan. This is an event. Disenchantment Look, I still watch (and usually enjoy) The Simpsons. I adore Futurama. I am super excited for a new Matt Groening animated series, and tickled by the notion that it'll explore a new genre. My Favorite Thing is Monsters Vol. 2 The first half of the story was such a beautiful, engrossing, moving surprise this year, that I can't wait for the follow-up. Sense8 Finale Movie I'm glad they're getting a chance to wrap things up the way they want to here, and I'm looking forward to one more visit with this nutty, beautiful show. My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman AND Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee I don't keep up with all of Netflix's stand-up comedy offerings or the like, but I am super excited for these talk shows by a couple of my absolute favorite comedy curmudgeons. I actually watched (and really loved) the episode of Letterman's show with President Obama, and I'm looking forward to getting through all the rest of both of these throughout this year. Mute It looks like Duncan Jones's new film, some kind of spiritual follow-up to his great Moon, is finally going to show up on Netflix early this year! And they've also got the next films by Gareth Evans, Jeremy Saulnier, and David Mackenzie that could always drop sometime this year AND The Other Side of the Wind, a lost Orson Welles film! The Predator A new Shane Black movie is a cause for celebration, and while trying to revive the Predator seems like a dicey proposition, he's assembled an exciting cast and co-wrote the film with his Monster Squad collaborator Fred Dekker, so I'm looking forward to seeing what they've cooked up enough to put it here instead of the other genre sequels I'm intrigued by this year (like David Gordon Green's Halloween or J.A. Bayona's Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom). The Happytime Murders A Roger Rabbit riff with puppets would be enough to get my attention, but get Brian Henson to direct it in his first theatrical feature since his Muppet films from the 90s and I'm fully excited.

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