#satoh vents

[satohqbanana]

Not angry; just disappointed, heavily so.

EDIT: Like I said in Luishreya's story, if you accumulate enough similar bad experiences in succession, you're gonna get the fatigue that will make you assume the worst of the next person's intents and actions. Today's a day like that. A Luishreya day.

[ross24fps]

15 Bandcamp Albums This Year That Are Worth Your Time To Listen To:

Bit of a different post this time, but these are some self-released / under-the-radar releases that have come out this year that I think deserve better recognition, so I thought I’d give these artists a platform to possibly give them more attention.  Hopefully you all find some new stuff in here to enjoy!

1.) AKIRA SAKATA / CHIKAMORACHI / MASAHIKO SATOH - PROTON PUMP

Insane, free-form jazz quartet record performed live in Tokyo.  A weird science theme persists throughout the album, with song titles such as “Voyage of the Eukaryote” and “Bullet Apoptosis”, making this probably the most creative and ballsy jazz record of the year.

Link: https://familyvineyard.bandcamp.com/album/proton-pump

For fans of: The Lounge Lizards, late John Coltrane, Albert Ayler

2.) BAMBARA - SHADOW ON EVERYTHING

Mysterious, slightly edgy desert rock that sounds like you’re driving a Jeep through a desert - only the desert used to be a suburban town and the setting is post-apocalyptic.  It kind of sounds like the type of music you would hear in the new Twin Peaks series.  These Brooklyn boys have a dark future ahead of them (and I mean that in a good way).

Link: https://bambara.bandcamp.com/album/shadow-on-everything

For fans of: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, Swans, Tindersticks

3.) C’YOTES - THREATS

Raucous, fun, queer indie rock with sing-a-long choruses and just enough raw tonality to prevent it from being typical commercial b.s.  You can almost taste the beer seeping in through the music on this thing - loads of fun.

Link: https://cyotes.bandcamp.com/album/threats

For fans of: The Vaccines, Arcade Fire, Kimya Dawson

4.) CAMO MEAL - EMO LOVE

Interesting little experimental EP that’s supposedly meant to reflect on adolescence through the mindset of an adult.  It’s not very nostalgic, more like a snapshot collection of memories that somehow feel significant - just like real memories.  It’s always exciting to hear such an original new voice.

Link: https://camomeal.bandcamp.com/album/emo-love

For fans of: I dunno, early Future Islands, maybe?

5.) CELESTAPHONE - TYING UP LOOSE FRIENDS

Definitely the weirdest and one of the most original indie rap albums of this year, if not the entire decade.  It sounds like a demented cartoon - hilarious and surreal.

Link: https://cele.bandcamp.com/album/tying-up-loose-friends

For fans of: Busdriver, Danny Brown, Adult Swim cartoons

6.) COLD MEAT - PORK SWORD FEVER

Fun and brutal all female punk EP.  All female punk bands are kind of my jam, and if it’s your jam as well, this is about as good as it gets.  Raw and awesome.

Link: https://staticshockrecords.bandcamp.com/album/pork-sword-fever

For fans of: The Soviettes, The Slits, The Raincoats

7.) CSCOT - BASH BACK

Insanely brutal queer industrial noise electronic project from Argentina.  Not for the faint of heart or sensitive of ears or virgin of anal.

Link: https://cscot.bandcamp.com/album/bash-back

For fans of: Merzbow, Death Grips, Lightning Bolt

8.) ERIC CHENAUX - SLOWLY PARADISE

Weird, French atonal improvisational guitar music.  It would be right at home in the early 80′s New York scene if it wasn’t so oddly smooth and relaxing.

Link: https://ericchenaux.bandcamp.com/album/slowly-paradise

For fans of: Arthur Russell, Frank Zappa, Leo Kottke

9.) HISATO HIGUCHI - SHOKUBUTSU TO HIKARI

More improvisational guitar music, but much more traditional and meditative.  It gives the impression of a long driving trip, falling asleep in the backseat of somebody else’s car amid Japanese landscape.

Link: https://hisatohiguchi.bandcamp.com/album/shokubutsu-to-hikari

For fans of: Steve Gunn, Leo Kottke, Glenn Jones

10.) LITTLE GOAT - 2012 - 2013

Albums like this are the reason that I love Bandcamp.  This singer/songwriter wrote these tracks as a way to recover her mental health and prevent her own self-abuse, and the results are amazing.  These songs are universal, beautiful, and profoundly touching.

Link: https://littlegoat.bandcamp.com/album/2012-2013

For fans of: Fiona Apple, The Mountain Goats, Mount Eerie

11.) LONG NECK - WILL THIS DO?

Awesome suburban indie rock.  The lyrics are potent, the singing is on point, and the instrumentation rocks hard.  This album is going to be ignored for the Courtney Barnetts of the world, and that’s a shame - this album is the epitome of underrated.

Link: https://longnecklass.bandcamp.com/album/will-this-do-2

For fans of: Frankie Cosmos, Screaming Females, PJ Harvey

12.) PAUL DE JONG - YOU FUCKEN SUCKER

One of the members of The Books makes one of the most unsettling albums of the year.  A musical comment on the perpetual mental illness present in the social media age, the albums is at turns uncomfortably hilarious and genuinely terrifying.  Always surprising, never boring.

Link: https://pauldejong.bandcamp.com/album/you-fucken-sucker

For fans of: Negativland, The Knife, Diamanda Galas

13.) RICH MACHO GENTLEMEN - CATCHER IN THE CABAGEFIELDS

No, I didn’t misspell it - that’s the title.  Very fun collection of Japanese shoegaze rock, complete with ear-worm hooks and atmospheric noise. Very impressive debut.

Link: https://richmachogentlemen.bandcamp.com/album/catcher-in-the-cabagefields

For fans of: The Pastels, My Bloody Valentine, Oasis

14.) SCATTERZONE - ABILIFY

Beautiful, minimal EP used as a soft venting outlet.  Relatable, unsettling, slow-moving, this is bedroom pop that provides everything except comfort.

Link: https://scatterzone.bandcamp.com/album/abilify

For fans of: Coma Cinema, Sufjan Stevens, Daniel Johnston

15.) SPECIAL INTEREST - SPIRALING

Queercore glam no wave?  Sign me up!  This EP from this new New Orleans group is filled with sucker-punch riffs and social commentary to spare.  I recommend this to anyone who’s tired of queer music being boiled down to glitzy pop music.  Bring on the sweat and the blood!

Link: https://specialinterestno.bandcamp.com/album/spiraling

For fans of: Limp Wrist, DNA, Sonic Youth

[satohqbanana]

I love that I tend to try building relationships with people whose actions - or lack thereof - end up feeling like a dismissal towards my efforts and emotions. Joy!

[satohqbanana]

Luishreya's Grievance

The first time it happened, she battled great sorrow. Nothing stung more than the first taste of bitterness.

The second time it happened, she granted forgiveness. Doing anything in the name of survival was understandable.

The third time it happened, she was overcame with wrath. Why would she deserve a reward like this for her obedience?

The fourth time it happened, she nurtured resent. There was no one to blame this time; only the circumstances.

Hence, by the fifth time it happened, she simply gave up. There simply was no home for someone like her.

[satohqbanana]

Taken from a Facebook post (click on pic to load it there), but mood. Absolute mood.

[satohqbanana]

I've been there, seen a message too late by the failure of notification. It is honestly frustrating and nerve wracking, but since they <or any company> have reached out to you, you have a reason to reach back if you want and there's a good chance they can still reply. I was so late for a job offer but they got back to me when i replied, and they didn't even ask for a reason why I replied late. I waited till the person who messaged me was working but it was worth it and I do hope you find yourself something that makes you happy soon

Thanks, Anon. I really appreciate the message. You have a good point about reaching out to the person even when late (for years!) as I often do that with my friends and acquaintances.

I did think of trying to message back my supposed potential employers, after I already deleted the messages. The thing is, here's a couple problems I might face thanks to it: issues with international payments, issues with the tax guys, and issues with regards to my health and personal schedule. There's also the matter of how the skills they're looking for are not the ones I now practice often lately.

I really don't want to discuss this further as I'm already revealing too much of myself. I'll admit I'm easily frustrated with regards to this topic due to how much pressure I'm facing on this front. I just managed to not make myself cry earlier; I'm not going to push myself to that point either.

Hence, I'm counting this one as a loss and another lesson on checking and maintaining one's assets (in this case, my portfolio and my account) even when they're on a platform I don't use often.

Thank you again for the well wishes nonetheless. I'll need them.

EDIT: OG post has been deleted but the context is that I had potential employers reach out to me via Behance a couple years ago, but Behance somehow never got that notif to me. :'(

[satohqbanana]

It's so weird that you can't say you don't like something without people assuming you hate it with a burning passion. It's not my thing =/= I hate it. I don't want to see it =/= I hate it. It makes me uncomfortable =/= I hate it. Nuance exists and neutral feelings exist PLEASE try thinking beyond black and white sometimes I beg

[satohqbanana]

N E Ways, if you share your creative work and you ask for feedback but start getting defensive all of a sudden, let it be known that you highly likely need to reevaluate whether you really wanted feedback (other person's opinion about your work whether good or bad), validation (affirmation of your own beliefs about your work), or compliments (high regards for your work or parts of your work).

[satohqbanana]

satohqbanana: "I've been busy […] figuring out my priorities after parting with my freelance art dreams" @thecomfywriter: "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FREELANCE ART"

WELP. I opened the topic, so I guess it's time to publicly discuss it.

In short: I bit off more than I could chew and therefore had to leave my dreams of doing freelance parttime while working fulltime.

I'm likely projecting an image of myself doing well or feeling fine. I've had my time to mourn, but I still have pain, sorrow, doubts, and fears to deal with. It wouldn't be accurate to say I don't know who I am without art, but rather that it feels that a part of me has gone missing now. My life these days are mostly about figuring out what I want to do with my free time now that I don't have to draw, I don't have to show pieces and advertise, "Hey, I'm a good artist!"

I do have to say that I had my shortcomings as a freelance artist. It's easy to get discouraged especially in the current state of the economy. You have to raise your prices to give yourself a respectable, liveable wage, but the potential clients feel skeptical. I refused to reblog and advertise my works a lot because I didn't want to be annoying.

And I think that a framework I was not able to adapt, as it is often overlooked and feared by a lot of people, is that freelance art is still a business. You have to advertise a bit to find your customers. You have to give promos and give freebies to encourage more customers into supporting your service despite having to undercut yourself. You have to market yourself to a certain niche, as the portfolio of a jack of all trades is very confusing compared to that of a master of one. You have to be able to say no to customers who might abuse your terms of sales. You have to report to the tax office regarding your sales. I performed very poorly in all of these things.

Add to the whole aspect of maintaining my freelance business is the part about managing stress in my fulltime job, doing my daily and weekly chores, and giving time for my hobbies.

I wanted to prove that I could do it - that I could still put things into balance. I gave myself a half year to do it, but I couldn't earn enough to prove to myself that my freelance artist dreams are still worth the effort. Hence, I finally gave up, relinquished the whole business, and now am wondering what else I can do to upgrade myself as an adult, as the truth is that things change, circumstances change, and therefore I too should change.

I'm not yet done cleaning up the mess I've caused, but I'm trying to. Particularly, I'm filling up my life with more experiences. I'm aiming to finish a novella, I'm studying psychology via online course, I'm taking pride in being a teacher, and so on. I know one day I'll figure things out for sure, and the emotional wounds will be nothing more than a memory of my naivety and huge ego.

EDIT: By the way, I'd like to ask you not to comfort me about future chances to pursue art as a business. Please let me put it aside, give up on it, and move on.

[satohqbanana]

I want a safe space to say I don't like certain things

I want a safe space to say I feel uncomfortable about certain things

I want a safe space to speak about what I hate

Why is it bad to say these things when it's such a normal thing to say and do

Why does it always have to be a vent

Why should it always be private

Society vilifying the expression of such feelings or automatically associating this with "You must be mentally ill" or "This harms others" is not fostering a healthy space for healthy and well-informed discussions to allow negative feelings and sentiments to be processed properly