#saren x shepard fanfiction

[lovelywingsart]

Louder Than Thunder

-- Saren Arterius X Commander Shepard/OC (Transmasc Enby, They/Them) --

Eventually I'll write the very beginning of the timeline, and I'll edit this out when I finally do lmao- This takes place after they've stablished some sort of relationship/bond, so definitely quite a bit after meeting again.

Anyway, first official written story for these two! uwu Ended up... ALOT longer than intended (and probably the longest thing I've written thus far???), but was really fun despite the content.

Turns out I have a talent for writing nightmares and the reactions to them.

Who knew?

//Inspired by this image I did for them, which is also used as the cover for this one. uwu It hurts, but I love it very much.//

**You can find the Masterlist here!

-----

*Warnings?: Nightmare scene- terror, death, injury; panic attack/sickness, hurt/comfort (kinda?), massive vulnerability, small fluff at the end because I didn't know how else to end it

Summary: An unfortunately common-- and worsening- occurrence for Cam leads to admittance of details to the one they really didn't want finding out.

The Citadel in ruins.

The wreckage of ships- far too many ships to be possible.

Their teammates strewn across the ground, dead or dying.

The deep gash at the back of their neck, cut through the spine, making their body lose strength.

Laying paralyzed, bleeding out…

Hopeless.

Defenseless.

In front of them, a thin, gangly creature approaching, moving how no living creature should be able to- perhaps because it wasn't fully alive.

Dead eyes and mangled skeletal body aglow with Sovereigns Reaper technology, charred elongated claws dripping with crimson. And even without a jaw- without vocal chords or anything resembling a throat other than thick wires and tubes- a familiar, rasping growl of a voice from the entity as it descended upon them with clear intent to sever any ties to the living, arm hauled back and bloody claws spread-

"SHEEEPAAARRDD..." 

~~~~~ 

"Shepard-" 

A short scream echoed through the captains cabin as Cam bolted upright on the bed, reacting to the gentle voice in their ear. They scrambled back against the headboard, nearly tearing the sheets away from their body. Their eyes were wide, looking around frantically as they sucked in whatever air they could- though really, it felt like their throat was closing.

Movement next to them made them jump with a small yelp, whirling around and scooting away from what turned out to be Saren shifting into a somewhat upright position. The albino turians eyes, still somewhat blurry from sleep, searched their face with concern etched onto his usually stoic features. 

"Shepard...?" He repeated. "What happened?" 

They stared at him, chest heaving. 

Those silvery, ice blue eyes that were now bright and full of life and hidden emotion only they could read, often in waking hours filled with a gentle affection and curiosity- suddenly flickering back to the cold, dead, reddish-white glow and mangled face in less than a second, the vision disappearing as quickly as the still tired haze had brought it. 

The vision forced a small, yipping whimper from their throat as they scuttled away from him just slightly, and he moved again. Now nearly sitting up fully, no semblance of sleep left in his features, he was instead overtaken by an even greater sense of concern- and now confusion. 

"Shepard??" 

His voice made him flinch, and they opened their mouth to respond- only to cover it as a sudden rush of bile rose to their throat, their body jerking in such a way that made him draw back. He jumped as they suddenly launched themself off of the bed, throwing the covers off and nearly tripping over their own feet as they ran to the bathroom, leaving him with a small, confused trill. 

They nearly broke the door, yanking it open faster than the automated system could, dropping to their knees and nearly sliding to the toilet before the control finally gave way. Their body heaved, expelling whatever had been eaten for dinner prior to heading to bed- not that they could remember what it had been, nor did they care to at this point- only stopping once there was nothing to bring up. 

Their body trembled as they gasped for breath, coughing and spitting what they could until they knew it was over. Tears streamed down their cheeks, both from fear and vomiting, and a shaky sob finally forced its way out of their throat. A quick smack to the handle cleared the toilet with fresh water, and they slumped over with heaving, wheezing sobs, not entirely unaware of the light clicking of talons against the cabin floor approaching the door. 

They spit once more as the door opened, attempting to control their breathing as the sound of a small, concerned trill broke the otherwise silent air. The sound made them flinch- and with that flinch came a sudden pain in the back of their neck, the scar over it feeling as if it had sparked with a superheated flame. 

A small warble was heard as they suddenly whimpered, one hand moving to cover the back of their neck as they curled in on themself and around the toilet how they could. Their turian watched, emitting a concern that they could feel from where he stood at the door. He didn't move for a few seconds before taking a breath, slipping into the bathroom quietly and reaching for a cup at the edge of the sink. He filled it with water without a word before carefully approaching, staying to their side and in view- just in case. 

He only paused as their head shifted, simply crouching where he was and holding out the cup for them to take. There was silence between them still as they shifted to glance at him, their breaths wavering- but they still reached forward with a shaky hand, gingerly taking the cup from his with a mere whimper as thanks. He tilted his head as they leaned up to take a sip, watching as they swished the water around their mouth for a moment before spitting it into the toilet. 

Saren remained crouched, his naked pale form almost ethereal among the gentle fluorescent light and darker steel color of the bathroom, the contrast of the solid black metal of the left arm prosthetic giving him an even more otherworldly look.

"... What happened..." he said finally, careful to keep his voice low, though there was a small deeper purring twang as he spoke- sub-vocals, they assumed, something they were still getting used to picking out. They were silent, swirling the water around the cup with a small sniffle. They seemed to think for a moment before opening their mouth- but closed it as they couldn't bring themself to speak.

He took a moment to observe them, eyes quickly drifting over their hunched form, clad in only a large tee-shirt three sizes too big. They looked… small like this, far smaller than he was used to, and the large shirt certainly didn’t help. He then turned his head to look at the bathroom door, and then back to them. Of course he had a general sense of what had happened- nightmares were common for him as well, and even he had nearly gotten physically ill when woken up- but they never had.

… Or, as long as he had known them personally, at least…

Which, admittedly, he knew wasn't long at all.

His nose twitched, mandibles lightly flaring for just a moment before he looked around the bathroom. He tilted his head once he had an idea, bringing one mandible up to his jaw thoughtfully.

“... Would a shower help?” He questioned lightly. If he had learned anything about humans, it was that showers somehow seemed to ease quite a few more issues than he had imagined possible- baths moreso, so they were called, as he had learned from listening to other crew members from the side. 

Cam glanced at him for a moment before sighing and nodding just slightly, and he nodded back. He stood up, his brow plates shifting just slightly at the flinch they gave, but he made no attempt to point it out given how they currently shied from him. Whatever the nightmare had been, it was enough to frighten them into being skittish.

He moved to the open shower, reaching for the handle.

“It will be sufficiently warm, I would suggest staying-”

“... cold…”

Their voice was but a whisper, hoarse from vomit and sobs- it didn't sound like them.

He froze. 

He didn't like that. Not at all.

He looked at them for a moment.

“I'm… sorry…?” He tried, wondering ever so slightly if he had heard them right. They took a wavering breath.

“Cold.” They repeated, slightly louder this time. “Cold water.”

He blinked.

“I… Shepard…” he tried, taking a step away from the shower in confusion as he wracked his brain thinking of any sane reason why anyone would want a cold shower after such an awful awakening. “I must advise against that… Cold water would be incredibly counter-productive in terms of relaxation, and could put you in danger of-”

“Please, Saren...” they nearly begged, the voice quieting once more. He visibly froze for a moment before looking at the handle. While he thought it insane, he knew he couldn't have even attempted to fight with them… he didn't want to. 

He contemplated for a moment before giving a defeated sigh.

“... alright…” 

He said nothing else, though was now hesitant about reaching for the handle at the mere thought of cold. He couldn't be stingy right now, it wasn't FOR him. It was for Shepard… as much as he would have liked to attempt to convince them otherwise.

A moment was what it took to finally grab and turn the thing towards the small blue symbol, resulting in him yanking his arm away immediately as soon as the water started. He took a few steps back once more, avoiding the cold liquid almost like the plague. Well, it was one way to signal they wanted to shower alone… Not that it exactly bothered him at this point in time.

Cam watched him for a moment before taking a breath.

“... Thank you…” they said quietly, just barely audible against the rush of water. The turian nodded, backing away to the door.

“If you need me…” he started, and they nodded.

“I'll let you know.”

Cam watched as he stood silent for a moment, almost awkwardly, before finally retreating with a soft huff. The door closed behind him with a small *click*, and they couldn't help but relax- though almost shamefully so.

It took a few moments for them to move, though when they did, it wasn't much- stiff movements of their arms to slowly lift the shirt they wore off and away; even slower as they nearly crawled to the shower. It was almost at iff their legs had refused to work, resulting in the motion being more of a drag than a crawl, and the feeling of freezing cold water forced a startled yip from their throat. They resisted the urge to back away, however, instead forcing themself to keep scooting forward until they were entirely under the stream.

It caused a near immediate burning numbness of muscle even as they began to shiver almost violently with the shock. But even so, they stayed in place, pressing to the wall and pulling their knees up to their chest. The hope that the cold would shock them awake, or at least shock the vivid images out of their head was strong, but it didn’t seem to work. Not immediately, at least.

They let the water wash over them for a moment, giving in to the numb shivers until their chest heaved- once, twice, a third time before resulting in yet another sob.

And once the sobs began, this time they didn't stop.

For once they were grateful for the high pressured water, the sound of it drowning out their sobbing as they slumped against the wall entirely.

~

Cam sat there, curled and crying, for what seemed like hours, even though they knew it hadn't been. While the freezing water had woken them initially, the exhaustion was far too overpowering as they leaned against the wall half asleep with numb fingers and toes. It was only when they felt they had no tears left that they looked at the door to the bathroom- not once had it even been cracked open. Not once had he attempted to check on them, though they assumed it was from the aversion to the cold, as if asking for the coldest setting had driven him off temporarily, or until they came out.

And, while lonely, they couldn't stop the twisting feeling in their gut as they couldn't help but admit it was reassuring. 

He was willing to give them space.

They watched the door for a moment, mindlessly shivering, until they glanced at their own skin. It had gone a somewhat odd red-ish pale, and lifting a single hand had shown just how bad their shivering really was.

“... shit…”

Even they could barely hear their own voice over the water, looking up to the dial. Too high to reach like this…

With a sigh and a sniffle, they shifted.

It was, admittedly, somewhat difficult, the cold water having locked their muscles somewhat, but they managed to shift onto their knees and reach up. A few clicks of the handle in the opposite direction provided a quickly growing- and welcome- increase in temperature, though they didn't quite move any further. 

The water burned their skin as it heated, the contrast between the freezing and warmth sending another shock through their body, even as it happened slowly, and soon they slumped forward with a sigh as the water continuously heated to the point where steam immediately fogged the mirror.

They only moved again once the shivering had subsided, the feeling of warmth calming their muscles and giving them back what little strength they had to stand. It would have been easier with help, of course, but they couldn't bring themself to call out- once on their feet, however, it became easier, and another few moments of reveling in the warmth was all it took for them to sigh and grab a small bottle of soap.

~

Actually cleaning themself was a surprisingly easier task than standing up, and soon they spit toothpaste into the drain before switching the electric brush off and placing it back into the small nook it was in. A few more moments of standing in the water for a last rinse was enough, and soon they turned the water off and sighed.

They wandered across the floor to grab their hanging towel, running it along their hair first before draping it over their shoulders for a moment while stopping in front of the mirror-

Despite being freshly cleaned, they still looked like hell, with darker bags under their eyes than usual and reddish skin from both the heat and crying for so long. 

Another moment staring at the reflection led to a sigh, and they finally moved to the door, readjusting the towel before hitting the button.

Almost immediately the light of the bathroom filled the room as the door opened, and they stepped out hesitantly while wrapping the towel loosely around their front. Their eyes glanced over the room itself before fixating on Saren, his ghostly form sticking out clearly from the semi-darkness of the room- no lights save for the gentle blue glow of the fish tanks and the lighting from the bathroom itself, just like they had left it.

He rested on the couch, one leg crossed over the other as he casually scrolled through a datapad- but their interest was quickly drawn to the loose dark pants he wore that looked almost too big for him in a way, looking somewhat undignified on the irritatingly proper turian. They stared at him for a moment, and he looked up.

“Shepard.” He greeted calmly, sitting up near instantly and setting the pad down onto the table in front of him. “I was wondering if you were alright. Your shower was… long…”

Cam was quiet for a moment before clearing their throat, keeping a hold on the towel as they finally moved to the small closet area.

“I'm… I'm fine…” they replied, pressing open one of the drawers and digging until they found a new shirt- still as large as the other one, though this time a darker color with a colorful design on the front. “What about you?”

He tilted his head.

“Me…?”

They managed a small, amused smile as they glanced at him over their shoulder, though it was clear it was somewhat forced- they wanted to seem as if it were alright, to try and change the subject if they could. Avoiding the nightmare all together was optimal at this point.

“Yeah. I didn't think you'd be caught dead in those.” They joked lightly, gesturing to- what was essentially- the sweatpants he wore. “Never thought you'd own any, are you feeling ok?”

He stared at them for a moment, mandibles flicking, before his nose scrunched with a small huff.

“They were… ‘given’ to me.” He started, looking down at them and picking at the material with his talons. “... It was not my choice.”

They hummed with a small, curious tone.

“Aww, who gave them to you?”

He was silent again, though his mandibles fluttered in a way they couldn’t quite tell was more irritation or embarrassment.

“... Vakarian…” 

The shamed utterance of the other turians name earned a genuine snort from them.

“I'm surprised he was so nice…” they teased, and the new scrunched scowl on his face almost made them snort again.

“‘Nice’ isn't the description I would claim it to be.” He said flatly, watching as they wandered to the bed with the large shirt in hand. “Rather, they were forced on me to, in paraphrasing, ‘get the stick out of my ass and relax for once’ before he called my age a factor in my decision to avoid them.”

Cam paused for a moment. 

“... So he basically threw them at your head and told you to stop being a cranky old bastard?” They suggested, and he grumbled.

“... To put it far less eloquently, yes.”

They snorted again as they partially removed the towel from their front, saying nothing while feeling his eyes on their skin as they dried more completely- but not with need. No, his icy gaze still held large concern, watching them almost intently as if waiting for something to snap, to prove that his concerns were more valid than they had initially been from the moment they had woken up. It was clear he was thinking, his mandibles flicking opposite of eachother every few seconds as they fully dried and slipped the shirt on.

They wandered back over towards the bathroom, ruffling their hair with the towel in attempts to dry it more before they decided to lay down again, only to slow at the sound of a soft, concerned clicking. They tilted their head slightly, coming to a full stop as the sound of talons against the floor sounded behind them, and they could nearly feel him next to them within seconds. For such a large creature- large to them, at least, though he was rather small in species terms- he certainly moved far more silent than one would expect. A gentle touch to their arm with his knuckle made them flinch, though they didn't shy away from the touch entirely now. They flinched again, however, at the small click of his mandibles as he pulled them to his jaw.

“Please.” Saren said suddenly, his vocals a low, gentle purr meant to sooth- it wasn't something he did often, and it made them freeze. “Tell me what happened.”

They didn't move. Couldn't move, honestly. They felt their heart speed up in near panic for a few moments as they glanced over to him, tilting their head slightly to look at his face. Scarred, yes- but pristine otherwise. No severe damage. No soulless eyes. No missing mandible or jaw. Completely normal for an older- albeit specifically altered- turian…

They flinched again as more burning pain rushed to the back of their neck, and they forced themself to not move before taking a breath.

He had to know. He had every right to know, given the situation… And keeping it from him just felt… wrong.

“... Sit…” they nearly whispered, nodding to the bed. He tilted his head slightly, shifting it from one side to the next as he glanced over at the bed and then back to them before bowing his head in a small nod. 

Cam watched as he slowly backed away before he quietly padded to the bed, and they turned to enter the bathroom once more. They paused as they hung the towel, their mind racing with a new anxiety as the idea of telling him the details of their nightmare made them swallow hard. A small, fearful twist in their stomach made them back away from the wall- It was better to tell him now, but even they knew how sensitive he could be with things relating to… ‘that’ time.

Another few seconds of contemplation rendered them immobile until they shook themself out of it, building whatever courage they needed to walk out of the bathroom with a finality in the decision.

Saren sat calmly- almost ‘properly’, they noted- at the edge of the bed as they had asked, tapping his talons along his thighs just slightly in a mindless- yet distinguishable- rhythm. They wandered fully to the middle of the room, pausing mere feet from the bed as he looked up at them. The now reflective ice blue gaze had been filled with concern mixed with a wide, bright nervousness much like a child afraid of getting in trouble. It admittedly sent an arrow through their chest, and they managed to force back the choking feeling that threatened to close their throat once more.

Despite everything, that bright gaze meant the world to them now, and it hurt more than anything knowing what it turned into when their eyes were closed.

They were shaken from their pause as he shifted his head towards them and let out a gentle, warbling trill that held concern. Anyone who claimed the former Spectre was heartless clearly had never gained his trust.

They took slow steps towards him, managing to keep small confidence as they finally circled and sat next to him, one knee bumping his. A source of touch, for reassurance. They reached out hesitantly to take his hand, feeling his gaze shift between them as his fingers slowly curled around theirs.

So warm…

So gentle.

So alive.

Fuck, it hurt.

They were silent for a moment longer before releasing the breath they didn’t realize they held, and finally beginning to speak.

“... I know you don't… remember… but…” they started, attempting to choose their words carefully. “... When… When we destroyed Sovereign at the Citadel a few years ago… there was some… damage.”

They managed to hold back the flinch as they felt his grip on their hand tighten just slightly, glancing up at his face- he stared at them hard, mandibles pulled taught against his jaw, almost as if they'd snap from the pressure- but he was entirely still despite the clear spark of dread in his eyes, and more pain shot to their neck.

They sucked in another deep breath.

This would be harder than they thought.

“Obviously the place itself was more or less rebuilt… we had casualties outside…” they tried, prying their gaze off his and focusing on their hands. “Garrus and Wrex were a little banged up, but nothing some mild painkillers and medi-gel couldn't fix…”

They went quiet for a moment, chewing on the inside of their cheek. They could feel his eyes burning into them, and they squeezed his hand.

“... Medical said I got lucky.”

Suddenly his gaze was off them. They continued.

“You, uh… well… your… corpse got me pretty good…”

A small nervous chuckle came from them as they reached back with their other hand, rubbing the back of their neck with an awkward smile as if it were the punchline to a bad joke- but he made no movement. So, they took a breath and kept talking.

“They… Well…” they tried to search for words, but couldn't.

Nothing would have made this easy…

May as well rip off the bandaid, right?

They were silent before sighing, staring their hands with his fingers around theirs- looking at the pale talons that gripped their own skin so gingerly, as if he were afraid of slicing it-

As if he were afraid to do exactly what they feared.

“... You… It… It almost sliced through bone… through the spine.” They said finally, using their thumb to run along his. “It could have paralyzed me, but they said I moved out of the way just in time. It just barely nicked the bone, but hit a few nerves…” they cleared their throat, squeezing his hand, “I-I'm fine now, just… just a small tweak in the neck when I turn it, but it-... I…”

They trailed off, and glanced at him. He stared forward at the ground, a somewhat vacant look in his eyes. He barely remembered anything from then, of course- they were surprised he remembered ANYTHING… but it was always obvious he had never WANTED to remember.

They stared at him for a moment before looking away again, feeling their lip tremble.

“... Saren, I…” they tried, and could feel his body shift slightly as he glanced at them-

Another rush of pain to the scar, and another forced back sob.

“... Sometimes I dream that it worked…” they managed, their voice suddenly small. He flinched. They continued once more.

“I dream that… you… it…”

A small struggling breath and squeeze to his hand-

“... I dream it killed them… it killed them, and I didn't move, I didn't-”

A pause and a choked back sob-

“... I didn't move in time.”

He looked at them fully now, and they gripped the back of their neck.

“It got me. Right through the spine, I couldn't move and it knew that… It hurt so fucking bad, and then just… goes numb… but I can still hear everything… I can still see… and all I see is just…”

They trailed off again for a moment, feeling his fingers trembling- 

A flash of vision again. Them on the ground, bleeding out, mouth opening as if to speak, though no words escaped their lips. Watching in paralyzed horror as the Husk approached, the violent red-ish sparks from its chest aglow with Reaper energy. Claws poised to strike, already dripping with the deep crimson blood. His face glitching back and forth, mangled to pristine, red to blue, malicious intent in every movement. His wheezing voice so clear in their head, as if it were right in their ear-

They flinched out of the vision and finally took a breath and looked at him, welling tears stinging the corners of their eyes as they tried not to break upon seeing the sudden heartbreak in the ice blue once he understood.

“... You...” They finished, and they could see his jaw shift. “I see you. Even when I wake up, it's still there. Always for a few seconds.. and then I just… you're laying there with me… and it's a constant flashing of that… that thing… and I'm just…”

Tears spilled freely now, slowly at first before a constant stream flowed down their cheeks. They searched his face, the hurt they saw causing a pain in their chest.

“... I know its not you…” they nearly whispered and looked away again. “It's not real… it's just a stupid dream, but it… It feels so fucking real, and then I wake up and see you here, and I just… I get… scared…”

They paused.

That was a lie.

They took a breath.

“... I get terrified.”

There we go.

They were quiet for another moment, feeling his eyes on them- a quick glance revealed more than it needed to.

His eyes wide, brow plates raised in a way indicating surprise- the ever growing hurt and horror in the blue orbs as they stared. Mandibles flared just slightly in disbelief, though twitching ever so slightly as if he wanted to speak.

Cam looked away again, almost in shame.

“I wake up next to you and that's all I see, even for a moment before it goes away.” They said, their voice but a hoarse whisper. “I see that fucking thing, right out of my goddamn nightmares… It keeps getting worse every time, and it makes me sick and scares me and-”

“... You know… I wouldn't hurt you… right…?”

It was unusual for him to interrupt them, though it didn’t quite matter at the moment. What mattered was his now trembling hand still in theirs, and the almost wavering tone he held.

His voice was quiet. Scared.

Hurt.

Cam shook their head immediately.

“I… N-No, I know… I know that.” They said quickly, finally letting go of his hand to rub their face. “I know you wouldn’t, Snow… But I can’t… control what I see…” they fought to work through their words, feeling him shift next to them. “I can’t control whatever fuckery my head tries to get me to believe, even when it concerns you…” they shook their head again, “... especially when it concerns you…”

They went silent again, though soon shifted onto the bed fully, burying their face in their hands. They didn’t even look at him, but could feel his eyes burrowing into their skin.

“I told you before… the nightmares have only gotten worse…” they muttered, voice strained as they attempted to force back the sobs they could feel tightening their throat. “I thought it would be easier the more I knew you… That maybe they would just… go away, I guess.” a pause of breath, “... I was wrong…”

Silence filled the room once more, and they suddenly felt him move again- but no sound came from him. No warbling, no clicks… they could barely even hear him breathe. They couldn't feel his eyes on them anymore, and they slowly realized their own hands were shaking with the anxiety the feeling alone gave.

Did they fuck it all up by telling him…?

Slowly but hesitantly, they shifted their face to peek through trembling fingers, almost afraid of what they would find- and somehow, it was worse than if he had just left the room.

He sat silently in front of them, facing away from them with his head down, his arms at his front along his thighs. But they froze almost immediately with the one glaring detail-

His back was turned.

Completely.

A form of vaunerability that even the most suicidal turian wouldn't dare attempt depending on who they were around, and certainly not something Saren himself did willingly, if at all- even around them.

And yet, pale form striking in the near darkness, they could see a gentle tremble of his shoulders, making no move to shift even slightly to the side. It put a pit in their stomach, and suddenly they couldn't stop the new round of tears from falling, not even giving a chance to stop. He only seemed to flinch as they sniffled, curling more into himself. 

They felt their arm twitch just slightly, a small longing making them want to reach out, to press against the carapace over his back to cover that vulnerability, but they found they couldn't move- not easily, at least. 

“... Snow…?” They tried, their voice a near squeaky whisper, and he flinched again.

“... I'm sorry…”

It was the only response he gave, nearly weak in tone with a heavy layer of guilt, and it made their heart shatter. 

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

“Snow…” they tried again, choking back a sob. “I… I don't… blame you for them…”

He shook his head, and they could tell from the small movements of his arms that he had reached to rub his own face.

“I… I still caused them.” He managed, shifting his head slightly to the side. “I caused all of it, Shepard. Even now, I know I'm blamed for it… perhaps not by you, but by everyone else. And you…” he paused, a small, seemingly involuntary warbling trill escaping his throat as he spoke, “... You were caught in the crossfire. Conscious or not, luck or not, you were close to death because of me… And that has affected you enough to feel terror where you should only be experiencing peace.”

“That wasn't the only thing that caused them-”

“And yet it is what you see the most often… It's what you saw tonight.”

They knew he wasn't trying to make them feel worse, only stating blunt facts with his own guilt, but it certainly didn't make them feel any better. They watched as he shook his head, a wavering inhale the next sound they heard. They flinched again, though this time couldn't stop the pained whimper they let out at the same time. It felt like their neck was on fire, pulsing and burning as if it were a fresh wound, and their hands shot back to cover it.

They doubled over with a sudden sob at another wave of nausea at the feeling, and felt the shift as his head nearly snapped back to look at them. They brought their knees up to their chest, driving their face into them while clutching the back of their neck with trembling muscles. But they opened their mouth anyway in attempts to speak.

“I... I'm s-so… so sorry, Snow…” they choked out, and this time he felt his own breath hitch in his chest. They shook their head. “I don't… I don't want this… I hate seeing you like… like that… I hate waking up to it…”

Another sob forced its way from their throat with the pain… then another… and another… and suddenly their body trembled and jerked with them, one arm moving to surround their head while the other stayed over the back of their neck.

“... You… You mean… the fucking world to me, Snow…” they forced out between sobs, unable to even lift their head to see his face. “I hate being afraid… I hate these… fucking… nightmares for making me afraid of you…” another sob, and their voice dropped. “... F-Fuck, it… it hurts…”

He couldn't. He couldn't just sit there any longer. Not like this. Not while the guilt ate away enough to make him similarly nauseous, to make his mouth dry and body ache. 

Something in his chest snapped, and it forced him to move.

A soft, bellowing trill was all Cam heard before they were nearly barreled into at lightning speed, the soft, blue-ish purple glow of Sarens biotics dancing on the outside of their closed eyelids before they even had a chance to open them. They were almost ashamed of the short, terrified scream they let out as they were grappled and pulled against bone-like plating, instinctively pushing away for a few seconds before their wrists were grabbed with a gentle force, pulling them in as close as possible-

Within moments of being ‘attacked’, however, their ears were assaulted with the sound of a constant deep rumbling that shifted between purr, warble and low keen. The albino turian sounded damn near feral as he somehow managed to curl around them, simultaneously tucking their head under his chin and vigorously nuzzling and prodding around their face and neck with his own face- but even so, he still trembled heavily, mandibles flaring and fluttering with every sound he gave.

Every trill.

Every warble.

Everything with a twinge of guilt and care and heartbreak, every emotion that he could even think to let out, even if they didn't fully understand.

While it caught them off guard- to say the very least, quite honestly- it didn't quite stop their own flood of emotion. Even as they relaxed against him, listening to the sounds he made that he certainly would have never would have dared make around other turians for both of their sakes, their own body still trembled, and sobs still forced their way out from their throat-

The only time they faltered, however, was when their hand was nipped and shoved away from the back of their neck with a desperate trill, replaced by his mouth plates.

It made them freeze entirely, suddenly coughing in a fit when their sharp inhale interrupted a heavy sob. An arm went around their shoulders defensively as they coughed and wheezed, still pressed to his chest as his neck craned to stay pressed to theirs. Mandibles fluttered with hot breath against their skin, small nuzzles and nips against the scar that burned with low warbling as if performing a ritual to take the pain away.

Soon a hand was pressed to their face, and, as the coughs lessened, they felt themself lean into the touch almost immediately.

Soon they were able to move, and their arms shifted against his chest.

Soon they managed to twist and wrap their arms around him, gripping tightly onto the ridge of his carapace while allowing him to keep his own grip and touch.

Soon they were a tangle of limbs and noises, his ‘feralness’ only lessening a small amount as they relaxed, keeping his face at the back of their neck, now nipping and dragging his tongue along the scar as if trying to lick a wound clean.

Cams sobs lessened as well, the warmth and pressure against the back of their neck providing the smallest amount of relief for the pain. But they still shook their head slightly at one point, and he let out another low warble.

“I… I'm so… so sorry, Snow…” they repeated, their voice wavering. He trilled, pressing his mouth to their skin.

“Don't… Don't apologize…” he said, his own voice strained, even with the obvious thrum of sub-vocals loud enough for them to pick up on, “Don't ever apologize…”

It felt like another arrow through their chest.

They managed to press their face to his own neck, the warm leathery hide almost comforting- especially with the vibrating purrs from his chest and throat. He said nothing for a few moments, though his desire to was clear with small hiccups and choked pauses in the sounds and shifting of his jaw.

“... I'm sorry, my little fox…” he nearly whispered finally, his purrs almost deafening his voice comparatively. “For causing this… for tainting your mind so deeply it affects you even now, and…” he trailed off for a moment, though kept his face pressed against the back of their neck, his mouth moving against the scarred skin, “... And for giving you a reason to fear me still… A reason that causes so much pain so often.”

He fell silent once more, and their grip on him tightened. But a sudden small, warm prick of moisture hit the base of their neck, and they froze.

Was that-

“... If I could go back…” he strained, curling tighter around them, “I never would have hurt you.”

It made their chest lurch fully, and another wave of tears began to stream down their cheeks as his own slowly landed on their skin.

“... I know…” they whimpered, clinging to him tighter. “I know…”

Silence fell between them again, other than the semi-feral sounds Saren still made- and seemed to not have full control over now in attempts to calm them- and Cams still slowing sobs. Only after a few moments did either of them move, despite not wanting to, Cam managing to move a single arm out from around his shoulders. They instead reached up to press their hand against the back of his neck, fingers tracing the edges of the scarred plating in a near soothing motion- both for him and themself. They felt him shudder involuntarily, pressing his face closer to their skin. But he said nothing, allowing them whatever touch they pleased, so long as it kept them calm.

They took a wavering breath after a moment, though kept their eyes closed.

“... I don't want to sleep again tonight…” they managed, voice taught and even somewhat pained. He let out a small, warbling trill.

“You need rest…” he replied just as raggedly, and they shook their head.

“N-No… I… I don't…” they tested, muscles beginning to tremble once more- but the tighter hold he gave was enough to halt them quickly. Their grip on him tightened, shaking their head once more, a bit quicker this time.

“... I don't wanna see it again, Snow…” they finally whispered, and he froze. “... I don't… I don't wanna wake up like that again… I don't wanna see you as that… thing again tonight…”

His purring seemed to halt for a moment as they spoke, his jaw and mandibles shifting slightly as he thought.

“... If you do…” he started slowly, hugging them closer, “Know that I am here. It will not harm you, and neither will I.” He gave another nuzzle to the back of their neck. “Dreams are not reality, Shepard… Despite how real they may seem.”

He never was quite the best with words, always more ‘blunt’ in a manner of speaking, but it seemed to work well enough.

Their breath caught just slightly as he spoke, though the trembling of their muscles slowly diminished. They let out a shaky sigh within a few moments, slowly slumping forward against him entirely. They were tired… Far too tired to even attempt to argue…

But they also knew he was right.

Slowly their grip on him loosened, simply curling and cuddling in his arms

“... I hate when you’re right…” they mumbled, and he gave a gentle, trilling huff.

“I’m familiar with such… experiences.” he sighed, finally releasing his hold just slightly. “It is better to rest while you can... And in your case, we can only hope a second attempt will be more successful than the first.”

That made them snort, and finally they pulled away from him slowly- despite not wanting to.

“Yeah, I guess…” they said, moving their hand to wipe at their face. “It might be the only ‘second attempt’ I get…”

A gentle trill made them look at him again, and they relaxed more upon seeing the gentle light in his eyes as he watched them. A small flare of his mandibles and tilt of the head eased them more, and he huffed.

“‘Second chances’ seem to be a theme with you in quite a few scenarios, little fox, are they not…?” he questioned lightly, and they couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“You’d know best, wouldn’t you, Snow?”

A soft warble and purr was his only response, and Cam smiled fully. They looked at the pillows for a moment, a small wave of anxiety washing over them once more- but they shook it off just slightly, and took a breath.

“... Alright… Ok.” they sighed, slowly managing to scoot away from him and closer to their pillow. Not like they wanted to, but their eyelids felt heavy and, goddamnit, now they wanted him to hold them again.

They shifted slightly back into the covers where they had been before waking, though kept them pulled away slightly and looked at him. He met their gaze for a moment before looking at the sheets, and back to them. “... I assume I am joining you?” he said, a hint of amusement behind the purr in his voice. They huffed.

“Consider it an order, Arterius.” they said, settling in where they were. They paused for a moment. “... please.”

His brow plates shifted just slightly, but he soon gave a small, warbling chuckle.

“Understood, Commander.”

There was a small fluttering in their chest as he spoke, the comfort of the gentle banter just slightly overtaking the anxiety that still churned their stomach as he simply pushed himself entirely onto the bed and back next to them. But the anxiety as a whole still remained, even as they lay down. Even as his presence was now more calming as he shifted under the sheets next to them, silently holding out an arm for them to come to him- but they couldn’t help but hesitate still. Not because of him now, no- it was simply the anxiety of falling asleep again. Of the second chance at rest betraying them despite his help. But a questioning trill was all it took for them to bite down that anxiety and shift into his awaiting arms, cuddling to the warmth he offered, albeit small.

They cuddled to his chest, resting their face against the bone-like plating- there was still a small feel of softness to it, much to their continuously appearing delight each time- and wrapping an arm around his torso as he rested his chin against the top of their head and did the same. They were silent for a moment before a small thought occurred, and they tapped gently against the lower mid section of his carapace as if getting his attention.

“... Saren…?” they started quietly, and he gave a questioning hum.

“Hm…?”

“Permission to shoot you?”

They felt him shift, glancing up to see him look at them with mild bewilderment.

“What…???”

They tapped again.

“In the dream.” they said, and he just stared.

“... I will ask you to elaborate.” he said slowly, and they simply cuddled to him again.

“If I do dream about it again…” they mumbled, feeling his prosthetic arm shift around them to gently drag its talons along their back in a soothing motion. “Figured it might… help maybe to ask… I guess…”

He said nothing for a moment before giving another hum, this time with a purr.

“So perhaps your subconscious self knows it is alright to do so, should you find the strength?” he said simply, and they nodded.

“Something like that, yeah…”

He seemed to think, though eventually set his chin back where it was.

“Yes.”

They couldn’t help but smile.

“That was fast…”

“I would prefer you shoot me again anyway should something like that happen again, may the spirits forbid it.”

His voice was quiet, but they hugged him tighter.

“... It won’t.”

“Oh?”

“I’ll make sure of it.”

A low, rumbling purr started in his chest at that, and his own body relaxed more than they thought it could have. There was relative silence otherwise for a few moments, and he tapped the back of their neck gently.

“... perhaps we will think of a way to ease this pain of yours tomorrow.” he said quietly, and it was their turn to hum.

“I’ll take just about anything you can throw at me…” they said. He tapped again.

“I may have a few ideas.” he said, going silent for a moment again before he let out a deep, purring sigh. “... get some sleep, little fox.”

They let themself relax, finally allowing the hint of exhaustion to take hold. They focused on the rumbling purrs and the somewhat muffled sound of a heartbeat in their ear.

“You got it, Snow…”

[queenvidal]

I'm Sorry

Chapter 1:

Chapter Summary: The last thing Shepard wanted was to have her ex-boyfriend aboard, but little did she knew how much she'd regret what she's said.

Wordcount: 2855

Chapter Index: Chapter 1 / Chapter 2/ Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 - COMING SOON!

Masterlist

With quick steps, Shepard strides toward the cockpit. Joker’s announcement about the jump through the mass relay sparked her excitement, she wouldn’t miss this for anything. She passes Pressly with a big smile on her lips.

Suddenly she stops dead in her tracks and her smile vanishes. A tall figure is standing behind the pilot seat.

Suppressing a groan, Shepard rolls her eyes and steps into position beside Joker, completely ignoring the turian standing nearby.  Nihlus glances at her for a moment before returning his attention back on the screens in front of the pilot.

“Hey, Shep,” Joker greets with a grin, knowing she wouldn’t miss the jump. But his grin also is short lived and soon disappears. The turian's looming presence unsettles him. Joker hates being watched and the turian breathing down his neck is making him nervous.  “Coming for the show?” he asks, his voice a little strained.

Shepard chuckles. “Always.”

Joker adjusts his cap and announces, “Alright, fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen. We’re going through.” His fingers fly over the console as the Normandy accelerates toward the mass relay. The sheer scale of the relays never fails to impress Shepard, who watches intently as Joker counts down. The cockpit bathes in brilliant blue light as the Normandy launches into the relay’s energy field.

Suddenly the blue sigts into a stunning sea of millions of stars flashes before them, painting the cockpit in a tranquil glow. Shepard’s lips twitch into a small smile as awe briefly replaces her earlier irritation. The sight is simply beautiful.

Moments later, the Normandy slows down, the stars of their destination stretching out before them. Joker’s hands fly over the controls as he runs post-jump diagnostics. “Thrusters check, navigation check. Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift just under 1500k.”

Nihlus nods approvingly. “1500 is good, your captain will be pleased.” He turns around to take his leave, glancing at Shepard for one final time before exiting the cockpit. 

Joker quickly looks over his shoulder, waiting until the turian is out of earshot. “I hate this guy.” Shepard smirks, holding back laughter at Joker’s visible frustration. Kaidan, who is sitting at the co-pilot console, is shaking his head. “Joker, come one. He just gave you a compliment.”

“Compliment my ass.” The pilot girths through his teeth, “I just jumped us halfway across the whole galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. That’s not good, that's incredible.” While grumbling some curses, Joker's focus returns to his displays. “Besides Spectres are trouble. I don't like having him around.” Neither do I, Shepard thinks to herself. Nihlus belongs on the Citadel, not Andersons ship. Kaidan argues, “The council helped fund this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment. You’ll just have to deal with it.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Joker sighs as he enters in new codes. “That's the official story. But only an idiot believes the official story, right, Shep?”

The Commander finally relaxes her posture, letting out a deep sigh. "Honestly? The Council could have sent anyone to supervise the operation, yet they not only sent a Spectre, but him out of all people. They are not truly concerned about the Normandy. The sooner he’s off my ship the better.”

Joker looks at her with a shit-eating grin, “Well, technically it’s Captain Anderson's ship.”

“And technically-” Shepard whispers as she pushes Joker's cap down, right into his face. “You know what I meant.”

“Hey, that's mean!” He complains. He takes his cap off to readjust it properly. “Since when are you sensitive? Pissed you two can't share your bunks anymore?”

Shepard’s glare could set fire to steel. “Don’t test my tamper, Mr. Moreau.” As much as she loves Joker, sometimes he doesn’t know when he’s going too far.

Irritated by Shepards sudden bad mood, Kaidan turns his chair to look at the Commander. “Okay, I feel like I’m missing something. What’s going on?” Joker just huffs a laugh. “Yeah sure, Aleko. As if you don’t know about it.”

“About what?” He asks, raising his brows in question.

Joker stays quiet, leaving Shepard to decide whether she wants to tell Kaidan or not. After a moment of consideration, Shepard explains what’s been going on. “You’ll probably learn it from the others anyway, so I might as well tell you. Kryik and I were involved… romantically.”

Kaidan’s jaw drops to the ground. “What?”

“Yep.” She sighs. “Have been just until a few months ago actually.”

“Well, given your mood, I guess it didn’t end well?” Kaiden asks carefully.

“That’s one way to put it.” Shepard crosses her arms in front of her chest. “We’ve been dating for some time and then things moved quite quickly. Everything was peachy until, from one day to another, he changed. Suddenly he treated me like a stranger and when I confronted him about it, he told me that it was all a big mistake, that turians and humans shouldn’t be together and that he regrets it.”

Kaidan looks at her with wide blown eyes, stunned into silence.

Shepard casts him a sad smile. “That’s exactly the look I had, when he told me all of this.” A ping on her omni tool announces a new message. “For fuck sake.”

“Speaking of the devil, huh?” Joker asks.

“Yup.” Shepard deletes Nihlus message without even bothering to read it. “It’s bad enough to see him strolling through the ship the whole day, can’t he just have the decency to not annoy me even further?”

Suddenly Anderson's voice sounds over the speakers. “Commander Shapard, I need to speak to you in my cabin.”

“Uh!” Joker smiles brightly at her. “Someone’s in trouble.”

Shepard just rolls her eyes, tempted to mess with his cap again. “Bite me, Jeff.”

Quickly the Commander makes her way to the elevator. Once inside, she hits the button for the mess hall a bit harder than necessary. She lets out an irritated sigh before rubbing her eyes. Whatever Nihlus is actually here for, she’s just hoping it will be done as soon as possible. 

Eventually the elevator doors open again, releasing her. Shepard goes straight for the Captain's cabin. She knocks on the door before it wooshes open. “How can I be of service?” She asks, while entering.

Captain Anderson is sitting at his desk. He turns around to face her. “Lynette.” is all he says in greeting. He signs for Shepard to sit on the seat across from him. “I have to talk to you.”

“Of course.” She says as she’s taking a seat, crossing her legs.

The captain sighs deeply. He is visibly uncomfortable. “Lynette, I’ll be blunt—this conversation isn’t easy for me, and I doubt it will be for you either.”

Shepard tilts her head slightly, her brow furrowing.

Anderson takes a deep breath. “You’re familiar with Alliance regulations about fraternization aboard a ship, I assume?”

Shepard groans, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Oh, Anderson, please don’t.”

“I have to,” Anderson says, his tone almost contrite. “Look, I’m not here to pry into your personal life. But with Nihlus aboard, I need your assurance that… whatever happened between you two won’t interfere with missions or ship operations.”

“Of course not, Anderson.” Shepard affirms. She might hate Nihlus guts but she won’t act on her ill feelings, she’s too professional for anything else. “I promise.”

Anderson nods slightly in approval. “Good to hear.”

“Allow me a question, sir?” Shepard crosses her arms casually. “What’s the actual reason for a Spectre to be here?”

Anderson falls back into his chair. “That’s classified.”

“Oh?” Lynette’s eyebrows raise, a small smirk tugging at her lips. “So there is another reason?”

The Captain narrows his eyes for a moment as he realizes his slip. “That’s something we will discuss tomorrow, Shepard. That’s all I can tell you at the moment.”

“Very well.” She says. “Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

Anderson hesitates again, his voice softening. “Actually, yes. It might not be my place to ask, but… have you and Nihlus ever talked about what happened? Afterward, I mean.”

“Nope.” Shepard shakes her head.“ After he blew on me, I packed my things and left. Haven't seen or heard from him ever since and as far as I'm concerned, I'd like to keep it that way.”

Certainly she knows the space on the ship is limited and therefore the chance of running into him is pretty high but that doesn't mean she can't  at least try to avoid him.

Anderson just nods silently. “Just do me the favor and keep it low, okay? This is not meant to anger you.”

“Yeah, sure.” She whispers to herself when she stands up. “Sir.” She salutes casually at her Captain before leaving his cabin again.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A new cycle has started on the Normandy. Breakfast has started to be giving out in the mess, which is slowly starting to get crowded. Soldiers shuffle through the line, grabbing trays of rations, some exchanging groggy greetings while others simply nurse their coffee in silence.

Kaidan sits at a corner table, chatting with Doctor Chakwas. Anticipating the morning rush, he’s already picked up an extra tray for their Commander, placing it at the empty seat beside him. He hopes the small gesture will help lift her mood, which has been notably sour since Nihlus arrived.

The tables conversation drifts between topics, focusing on Kaidan’s latest episode of headaches, when Shepard finally appears. “Morning, Commander!” Kaidan calls, spotting Shepard as she strides into the mess.

Mid-yawn, Shepard perks up slightly at the sound of his voice. Her eyes dart to the tray waiting for her, and she gives him a tired but genuine smile. “Kaidan, you’re too good to me,” she says with a tired smile, sliding into the seat.

“I live to serve,” he replies, the corners of his mouth quirking into a small grin.

“Good morning, Commander.” Doctor Chakwas her kindly.  “Slept well?”

“Well enough,” Shepard replies, though she’s already diving into her breakfast.

The conversation between Kaidan and Chakwas resumes with Shepard not contributing much, her focus is entirely on her meal. The calm is short-lived though, as a familiar voice breaks through the low hum of the mess. 

“Lynette, do you have a minute?”

Shepard freezes mid-bite, suppressing a groan. It’s far too early to deal with him. Without looking up, she responds in a clipped tone, “Good morning, Spectre. The correct form of address is Commander Shepard, and no, I don’t.”

In an instant the air is becoming tense. The surrounding tables go quiet, soldiers suddenly finding reasons to focus on their food or shuffle away. Kaidan shifts uncomfortably in his seat and Chakwas raises an eyebrow but says nothing. Both share a quick uncomfortable glance. Nihlus pauses, clearly weighing his options. Finally, the turian straightens. “Commander,” he says simply, before turning on his heel and walking away toward the elevator.

Once he’s gone, Chakwas sighs as she looks at Shepard. Her voice carries a hint of disapproval. “Was that really necessary?”

“No,” Shepard admits, spearing a piece of food. “But a fork to his eyes might be.”

“Shepard!” Chakwas scolds, her eyes wide blown. “You’re an adult woman, for heaven’s sake.”

“I’m kidding, Karin." Lynette replies, raising her hands in mock surrender. “Probably.”

Before Chakwas can retort, Joker’s voice crackles over the speakers. “Commander Shepard, you’re needed in the comm room.”

Shepard exhales heavily, dropping her fork onto the tray with a clatter. “Of course I am.”

Quickly she rises to her feet. While gesturing to the tray, she’s giving Kidan a nod. “Thanks for grabbing this, Alenko.”

“Anytime,” he smiles, watching her retreat toward the elevator.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It was late in the morning, almost midday, when the Commander returned from the meeting she had with Anderson and Nihlus. Seeing Joker was the first thing she did. As annoying as the Pilot can be at times, he is still one of Shepards closest friends. He was the first and only one she broke the news to. 

“Spectre, I can't believe it.” She says while looking at the stars, swaying gently from side to side in the chair, her tone softening. “I really can’t believe it.”

It’s an honor, that’s for sure. Becoming the first human Spectre is nothing Lynette could have ever imagined would happen in her career. She’ll definitely have to give her mother a call later.

“Yeah, about time, huh?” Joker asks, his voice full of sarcasm. “About time the Council added humans to their puppet show. You know, gotta make sure every species gets tangled in their strings” The Commander frowns at him. “Sorry, Shep. I really don’t mean to shit on your accomplishments. It's just…”

“You’re not fond of the council. I know.” She smiles lightly.

“One way to put it. My point is I don’t like you being dragged into their political bullshit. I mean, see what they did. They could have sent about any Spectre to test you, yet they’ve sent King Asshole.”

“Yeah, I know.” The woman agrees. “Let’s put her under a real stress test. Why don’t we force her and her racist ex into a small tin can of a ship for a week?”

That elicits a laugh from the Pilot. "Exactly. Politicians, man. Bunch of jerks in fancy robes.”

Lynette snickers in return, shaking her head. She’s not too fond of politicians either. After stretching her arms, she leans back into the co-pilot seat more comfortably, hr eyes fixated on the stars outside the window. The tension in her shoulders begins to ease, but the sound of approaching footsteps in the corridor snaps her out of it.

“Commander Shepard, I need to talk to you.” Nihlus comes to stand right at the entrance of the cockpit.

Shepard glances at him quickly, before replying. “I'm busy.”

But Nihlus is not having her defiance right now. “That is not a request.”

Joker looks at the both of them. Sensing trouble, he quickly decides to remove himself from this situation. Carefully he stands up from his beloved seat.  “Know what, I was just about to grab some coffee in the mess. My cockpit is all yours.”

Lynette glares at him for abandoning her but Joker just gives her a knowing, apologetic smile before disappearing down the corridor.

Once Joker is out of earshot, Lynette stands up as well. “Alright, what do you want?”

Nihlus stands tall, his hands clasped behind his back, the picture of turian discipline but the subtle flare of his mandibles betrays him. “Shepard, believe it or not, this situation is just as unpleasant for me as it is for you.”

“Oh, ‘s that so?” Her voice is full of sarcasm as she's leaning against her seat.

Nihlus marbles flare again. His eyes leave her for a second, before he calmly states, “This is temporary. Just until the mission is complete. Once it’s done, I’ll file my report, inform the Council and take my leave.

Deciding to reduce the hostility, Shepard reflexes her arms again. “Well, sounds good.”

After a long and silent moment, the turian straightens up. “Shepard, despite what happened between us, I need you to stay focused once we’re planetside.” 

Lynette can’t help but to narrow her eyes at him. “What?”

“Your ill manners towards me on board the ship are one thing but we can’t have your feelings interfere with the mission.” Nihlus’ voices lacks any emotion,“ We have to-”

“Stop.” Shepard cuts him off, visibly getting angry. “Are you really doubting me and my capability to keep my emotions in check?” 

“I am just giving you well ment advice, Commander.” Nihlus states dryly. “This mission and the opportunity for you is way too important to be risk by emotional breakdowns.”

That’s it. Now it’s getting insulting. “Don't you fucking dare to tell me how I should feel and act.” Shepard hisses through gritted teeth. “You're not in the position!”

Nihlus’s voice drops, cold and clipped. “You think this is easy for me? Do you have any idea what it’s like to be caught between your feelings and your duty?”

She takes a step closer, her voice icy cold, “Don’t you dare play the victim, Kryik.”

Nihlus just shakes his head lightly, “Lynette, look-”

“Don't you Lynette me!” Shepherd's voice rises in volume, gaining attention from nearby standing officers. 

“Spirits, woman.” Nihlus exhales, visibly frustrated. “I know I’ve hurt you,” he says, his tone gentler now, “I know I’ve hurt you, I know you’re still angry and by the stars, you have every right to. I am sorry-”

The speakers on the bridge light up. Captain Anderson orders the ship to prepare for entering the planet's orbit and for the ground team to gear up.

Following the command, Shepard pushes past the turian to get away. Her voice is dripping with venom, when she glares at him one final time,  “For all I care, Nihlus, you can just drop fucking dead.”

Chapter Index: Chapter 1 / Chapter 2/ Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 - COMING SOON

[lilmissnatcat24]

what im writing is literally destroying my life but i do it anyway, it's a living

major turn left spoilers below the cut

“I wanted to let you know that you weren’t meant to get caught in the crossfire,” Saren said. His voice was soft, as if he were speaking to someone on their deathbed. 

“That doesn’t offer too much consolation.” 

“You should be…” his voice trailed off as he tutted to himself, as if the very thought of offering his pity was a mild disappointment. 

“It doesn’t matter what I should be doing, to your masters’ logic. We’re all going to get zapped into nothingness, anyway. Why should I have a few more weeks of freedom when I could just die intact today?” 

“That isn’t how you should think,” Saren said, his voice dropping down to a hiss. “You shouldn’t need to think. The Reapers offer solace, a warmth in an otherwise cold and meaningless galaxy. Think of all we can accomplish if we worked with Them together. They’ve promised me asylum from the coming invasion, I’m sure you’d be spared if I asked. Their most loyal servants, we could be. Doesn’t that sound good? The ability to change the fabrics of the galaxy to align with you? How are you not tempted?” 

“And then what?” Shepard spat back. “Their need for organic bodies will run out at some point. Could be a few decades, could be a few months. What will become of us when we’ve all but sold our souls to the great metal devil in the sky?” 

You misunderstand. You never even tried! Think, Delia, think!” 

“Only those close to me get to call me by my real name--” 

“And why is that? Because the name Delia brings about too many sore memories? Your time in a gang back on Earth, an orphan biotic groomed to do the bidding of a madman--” 

“Don’t for a second pretend you know anything about my life--” 

“What if They could take that all away? All of the pain, all of the hurt? What if you were a fresh template, a newborn babe to begin life anew? You could even have your memories washed of this place. They can give that to you, you know. And They will, but you could choose to ascend first. They reward those loyal to Their cause. We could be loyal… together.” 

Shepard squinted up at Saren. The way the light framed around his face gave him the appearance of a halo, the most terrifying angel she’d ever seen. His eyes, violet daggers, shined with a brightness she had never seen before. It was almost as if he was a kid again, brimming with the type of enthusiasm that had yet to be dampened by the world around him. 

“Is that what you told Nihlus Kyrik, before you shot him in the head?” 

The light drained from Saren’s face. “Nihlus was a fool. He was given a chance to ascend. He chose the dishonor of a mortal’s death. A stain on his legacy.” 

“Why do you even care to convert people?” Shepard asked. “You said it yourself, the Reapers can indoctrinate whoever they want. Why are you even making the effort?” 

Saren looked her up and down, his head cocking to the side, as if her presence confused him. He walked forward and grasped her jaw in his geth arm. Shepard willed for herself to not show fear, but her teeth clattered and it was impossible for them to stop. She braced herself for the pain that would follow, the sweet embrace of unconsciousness… 

Saren wiped the blood from her face. His touch was gentle, as if all of a sudden he was afraid he was going to hurt her, like she was made of glass. All Shepard could do was stare at him, her brows furrowed together in puzzlement. She almost felt the urge to lean into his touch, the first friendly set of fingers on her skin in however long she was chained in this room, tortured mercilessly. 

[deanu]

Heroes Aren't Made of Stone exclusive sneak peek

Part of a mass effect fanfiction

Femshep x Liara

"Shepard," Liara said sharply. "Heroes aren't made of stone. If they were, they would be the villain. The second you stop feeling bad for the loss of life is the second you've become Saren." 

The Commander broke from Liara's intense stare. "I'm no hero. Heroes don't let crewmates die." 

"Are you going to let Ashley's death mean nothing?"

"No." She said, sounding like a child. 

"Then be the Galaxy's hero, Shepard." And with a beat she added, "be mine." 

Liara had tossed aside the napkin and joined Shepard under the covers, pulling her into a protective embrace. 

"Can your hero be broken?" She asked, her voice small. 

Liara brushed Shepard's cheek with her thumb as she gazed down at her. "In my studies, I found that the ancient Asari had this craft dedicated to repairing broken items, usually pottery, but it was used for a variety of precious items ranging from jewelry to portraits, handmade textiles to statues. The methods for repair take time, skill, and care, but they ultimately contribute to the beauty of the repaired piece. It's not unlike the human kintsugi artform, filling the cracks with lacquer and gold. I find it so incredible that across civilizations, across species, across space, we have such similar sentiment toward things we love. How we'll take this broken thing and put the time and effort and…and love into making it whole again and it's still as beautiful and worthy of being loved as it once was before it was broken."

Liara placed a soft kiss on Shepard's forehead. "So, yes, my hero can be broken."

If you enjoyed this exclusive sneak peek for a future chapter I'm workshopping, then you should go read what I've written so far over on Ao3 here

[aliemah]

Sleepless

I’m writing this for @bootytron because she deserves something nice <3 Also I haven’t written with these two in well over a year and that’s sad.

He missed her in his arms. He missed that she would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, and in the midst of coming to her senses from a bad dream, cling to him and sigh, whispering to him, you’re still here, as if he would ever leave her.

Tonight, she’d woken up, though it seemed like she was in a hurry to get away from him, so naturally, he was worried. Giving her about ten minutes before he got himself out of bed, he went to search their apartment for her. More than once, she’d done this and she almost always seemed to find her way out to the balcony. And sure enough, she was there.

“Emma.” Not a question, just an acknowledgement that he’d seen her, and that he was going to be here. In fact, he stepped out to stand beside her. Saren always found it a bit funny that while most humans were shorter than him, she was exceptionally short - even for human standards.

She looked over her shoulder, and gave him a brief smile while he came over beside her. He waited, and she leaned against his arm with a heavy sigh. He adjusted to put his arm around her and she seemed to sigh again, though it seemed a little happier this time.

“You’re always so warm...” she said quietly after a moment. He was about to speak, and ask what made her come out here but she anticipated his words. “I had a bad dream. I just wanted to clear my head a little bit.”

“Why is it you always come out here, hm?” he asked with a bit of a tease. He was glad he got a smile from her.

“I honestly couldn’t tell you. Maybe it’s just the sound of the distant traffic...” she shrugged. “Used to put me to sleep when I was younger.”

“I thought you grew up on ships.”

“Well... Yeah, I got used to hearing conversations, or footsteps.” she chuckled. “I don’t know, I guess white noise is... what comforts me.”

“Hm... That’s not uncommon. But I’m not sure why you come out here, if the noise makes you tired. Should you not be in bed?”

“I know, I used to have a program on my omni-tool to help me sleep.” she said, almost rolling her eyes at his comment. With a small shift of weight, he noticed that most of her weight was on one leg - the one that hadn’t been broken.

Emma leaned forward, seeming much more awake now. Though Saren felt tired as ever - as he often did, these days. How did she ever deal with the exhaustion, on top of all that stress? He could only think of this for some time, before he reached over to brush a bit of her hair back, getting his mind back to their conversation.

“What made you stop using it?” He asked, after what felt like several minutes.

“I got you in my bed.” she grinned, glancing over at him before she somehow managed to squeeze herself between him and the railing, both of her arms firm around him. “You um... sometimes purr while you’re sleeping. It’s comforting.”

“That’s good to know.” he leaned down to brush his forehead against hers, taking half a step back so she wasn’t pinned to the railing. She was leaning heavily on him and he was concerned. “Emma, is your leg bothering you again? Is that why you couldn’t sleep?”

“I didn’t want to say it. It... I should be back to normal by now.” she mumbled. He sighed and picked her up so she could sit on the railing, though his arms were firm around her, to make sure she didn’t fall. And, she was now a little closer to eye-level with him.

“I know you don’t like hearing this, but you aren’t as young as you used to be. Healing takes a little more time, and you haven’t exactly been exercising it like you’re supposed to.” Saren was aware his tone was a scolding one, but they both knew it was only that way because he cared for her. He didn’t like it either.

“Some days I can’t bring myself to do it, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me. I understand that feeling, and I’ve noticed you haven’t always been so eager to leave bed. Except now, apparently.”

She was quiet, looking anywhere but at him. When his arms tightened around her she reached up so her arms could wrap around his neck. One hand pressed on her back while the other reached to her left leg, giving it a firm squeeze near where she’d been cut open for surgery. She jerked, his hand near the back of her knee. But he held her fast when she felt like she was starting to tip backwards.

“Can you promise me you’ll do something tomorrow?” he spoke softly to her, knowing what tone of voice worked best when trying to persuade her. She made a soft whine, like a child being asked to do a chore. “I can help you, or... do whatever you need me to, if it gets you to do it.”

“Better make it worth the pain I’ll be in afterwards.” she grumbled, then stifling a yawn.

“I can arrange that. Now, do you think we could get back to bed?”

“I suppose.” she sighed, being overly dramatic with it. The smile gave away that she was teasing him and it took quite a bit of talking himself down from suggesting perhaps they not go right back to sleep. “Can you carry me? My leg is still a bit stiff.”

“Of course I can, love.” he scooped her up from her perch with ease, and Emma snorted as her arms rested comfortably in his cowl. As he walked both of them back inside, towards their bed, she had one hand tracing patterns over his mandible as she often did. He met her gaze and pressed his forehead to hers once more.

He loved her. So very much. Emma was a pain to take care of, and overly stubborn like himself, but she was also more forgiving, and he was learning slowly to forgive easier, especially himself. She’d given him so much to live for, and because of that he could hold her only with the utmost respect that she absolutely earned and deserved.

She didn’t seem like she was that tired when she had been perched, but within minutes of being laid down in their next of pillows and blankets, she was curled up against him once again.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” she murmured, fighting sleep as she listened to his deep, rumbling purr.

“You.” His talons ran through her hair repeatedly and it seemed to be helping her relax. She grinned and snorted again.

“Nerd.” came her muttered reply. He still had no idea what that meant, but he could tell that while it was often an insult she used, it was said in a caring tone. So it had to be taken in a positive context at the moment. And as much as he wanted to reply, the more he talked, the longer she was awake. So he kept himself quiet, watching her eyes slowly close, and her body relax until she was fully asleep.

[springonpalaven]

For the salty ask: 4, 8, 12, & 17

4:now in my personal opinion shepard x saren is kinda wierd. I mean he’s a genocidal psychopath, when it’s not an AU. I don’t think it’s very popular, but even then I don’t really mind seeing it I just don’t get it. We’ll beyond the basic thirst for turians THAT I understand

8:I have never gotten anon hate! Hahahaaaa Let’s hope that keeps up

10:now I have alot of feelings about fallout 4 but the whole finding Shawn arc of the story is, shal we say, not my favorite part of that game. It just dosnt feel well written, or at least not to the extent that the first arcs of fallout 3 and new Vegas were. There are good parts of fallout 4, IMHO that wasn’t one

17:I wish that shepard didn’t end up sacrificing themselves in 2/3 of the endings for me3. And not even because I want to see her and garrus adopt a bunch of kids(I mean i super super do) , but because there would be so much more closure. I honestly think a mass effect andromeda like epilogue was the way to go, wrap up everybody’s feelings about everything and end with people happy or at least satisfied. That being said I don’t really have a problem with the ending, but seeing as like 99% of post me:3 fanfiction has shepard surviving somehow I think about it alot

Thanks for the ask!

Edit:I read 12 wrong but I don't have time to change it before leaving for lunch but what I said was similar to 10 so Ill mark it as that. SO SORRY @spartanburger

[lovelywingsart]

Everyone But You (Saren x Shepard/OC)

Welcome to the masterlist of my written stories for Everyone But You!

Everyone But You is the ship name for Saren Arterius (Mass Effect) and my Commander Shepard/OC Cambry ('Cam' for short, and preferred). While not exactly a 'story of life', this follows Cam and their discovery of a revived Saren during the events of Mass Effect 2 and how they manage with him in their life again to assist with saving the universe.

To learn more about Cam (or as much as I can give until I finish the games), you can check out their Toyhouse profile here!

**As always, my storytelling is primarily done through my art, with writing to mostly set a general timeline or explore certain events on a deeper level; but this storyline is a special one and may alter just slightly with the impending release/information for Mass Effect 5, and therefore may... very SLIGHTLY change. Currently the 'end' of the storyline is nonexistent, as my version currently has Cam surviving the end of 3 and some works will reflect their life after, but that may change with the new game when it comes out! But I'll worry about all of that when the time comes.

Until then, please enjoy what I have for these two anyway!

Main Storyline

n/a - tba

No-Reaper AU

n/a - tba

Storyline Drabbles

(canon stories that don't have a proper place in the timeline- will be added in if a spot is found!)

---> Louder Than Thunder

---> Writing Prompt - 'Pulling the other to them'

[lovelywingsart]

LovelyWings Fic Masterlist

By surprisingly?? 'popular' demand, I've made a Masterlist of Masterlists for all my written stories I post here, because while I'm known for Metalworks, apparently a few people like my other stuff too- so here's a place to keep it all organized!

Maybe one day I'll add my own personal stories here, but for now, please enjoy the Fandom chaos. 💙

If I make more, I'll add them!

~~~~~~~~~~

⚒ Metalworks ⚒

Resident Evil Village

Karl Heisenberg X OC - Emelia Walsh (AFAB Enby, She/They)

Emelia was just another failed experiment of Mother Miranda, considered her greatest failure yet; but upon tossing her to Lord Heisenberg for disposal, a great bond was forged through many rough years of pain, practice, blood, sweat and tears-

Literally.

~~ Masterlist Link ~~

~~~~~~~~~~

♟ Neverending Forces ♟

Sonic Forces

Infinite the Jackal X Avatar/OC - Rook the Wolf (Transmale, He/Him)

While scouting the city on a personal patrol to ensure the safety of it's citizens, our secondary hero, only nicknamed 'the rookie' thus far, makes an interesting- and possibly dangerous- discovery. While the fight has ended, a new part of life has begun; and it'll be hell to figure out.

~~ Masterlist Link ~~

~~~~~~~~~~

⭐ Everyone But You ⭐

Mass Effect

Saren Arterius X Commander Shepard/OC - Cambry 'Cam' Shepard (Transmasc Enby, They/Them)

Having been revived by Cerberus, human Spectre Cam Shepard has resumed their fight to save whatever they can of the galaxy before it's too late- but things get a whole lot more complicated when a familiar, once not-so-friendly face is added to the mix, and a decision is made to give that face a chance at proper redemption.

~~ Masterlist Link ~~

[lovelywingsart]

The only bad thing about agreeing to train a bit with your human partner is failing to realize that they will in fact take the opportunity to attempt to flirt with you every chance they get.

Cam plz, he just wants to run