#santas-testicle

[artsyaech]

8, 13

i’m icelandic, in case you don’t know

“8. do you get confused with other nationalities? if so, which ones and by whom?”

yeah, i’ve gotten dutch, danish and finnish, all by some random people who ask me when i’m abroad

“13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders?”

yes, we have a lot

1. we put our shoes in the windowsill to get presents from the yulelads (the 13 santa clauses)

2. we eat sheep’s heads. and ram testicles. (i don’t like the ladder, personally)

3. we name our children after volcanos (most common being “hekla” and “katla”)

4. saying that your child is an asshole is a compliment (“rassgat” literally meaning “butthole”, but being an endearing term)

5. sometimes, we say things while breathing in. we call this “að tala á innsoginu”

[nautiscarader]

Marinette might know better than to leave milk and cookies out but then she isn't really expecting a big man in a red suit these days anyway and instead steps onto her balcony to greet a leatherbound superhero no less thankful for the snack and at least in some perhaps more intimate ways no less big too - and with plenty of gifts to give all the same

Chat Noir didn't even pretend to do the Santa Claus bit, and the moment Marinette greeted him, his lips found way to hers as he lead her back to a warm and fluffy bed, a perfect antidote for the cold, snowy weather. He passed the tray of snacks, making Marinette just a little disappointed, though she knew he will be having plenty of those one he finishes with her.

"That is a big sack…", she giggled with her hands around his testicles, once his suit fell to the floor.

"And full of presents, just for you. Millions of them, all made by myself, no store-boughts."

"Quantity vs quality, Chaton", Marinette scoffed him, "I will have a self-made present for you as well, though…"

She relaxed in her bed, spreading her legs, watching as his eyes follow her naked body.

"You might have to wait for it a bit. Nine months, perhaps?"

Chat's eyes widened and his ears twitched at revelation of that proposition, but when their eyes met and he saw the salacious spark in hers, he jumped her in a blink of an eye, delivering his gifts precisely where she wanted. And maybe, just maybe, if he stays with her family, he will get an extra present or two…

[barkercast]

418 : Commentary Classics - The Midnight Meat Train

Edit: We've brought back this commentary classic from 2016 to give it a proper episode number while Jose is moving and we're putting final touches on our interview book.  

Thanks for joining us once again for our last audio commentary and stretch goal for the 2015 "Fundraiser III: Hell on Earth" Midnight Meat Train.  Rob, Ryan and Jose get together to talk about this unflinching horror movie directed by Ryuhei Kitamura.

Sponsor: Don Bertram's Celebrate Imagination

Show Notes

Regarding the Eight-Pointed Star

Eight Pointed Stars – The eight pointed star appears in spiritual traditions from many different cultures across the globe. The eight pointed star began to appear in Islamic art in the Middle Ages. It is referred to as khatim or khatim-sulayman, meaning “seal of the prophets”.

 From <https://www.google.com/search?q=8+pointed+star+significance&oq=8+pointed+star+significance&aqs=chrome..69i57.3975j0j1&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8>

The Meat packing district in the city.

24-hour neighborhood located on the far west side of Manhattan Location: Pico Rivera, California, USA (slaughterhouse scenes)

Metro Station - 7th & Flower Streets, Downtown, Los Angeles, California, USA

Metro Station - Vermont Avenue and Santa Monica Boulevard, Los Angeles, California, USA

http://wheresthejump.com/jump-scares-in-the-midnight-meat-train-2008/

http://www.nysun.com/arts/midnight-meat-train-lionsgate-nearly-butchers-its/83002/

  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Vinnie-grabbing-Gascoigne-testicles-Poster/dp/B004ZUP3EY

 https://clivebarkercast.com/2016/02/23/concept-art-from-the-midnight-meat-train/

https://clivebarkercast.com/2015/10/07/retro-review-the-midnight-meat-train/

  Possible Midnight Meat Train Alternate Ending Image

Keyart Movie Poster Image 

Ryan's signed and illustrated movie poster. 

The Clive Barker Podcast (or @Barkercast) is an independent  editorial fan site and podcast that is not affiliated with or under contract by Clive Barker or Seraphim Films.  This is a labor of love by the fans, for the fans.

  web www.clivebarkercast.com

iTunes (Leave a review!), Stitcher,Libsyn, Tunein, Pocket Casts, Google Play, DoubleTwist and YouTube.

 Facebook and Join the Occupy Midian group

Twitter: @BarkerCast | @OccupyMidian

  New episode of the Clive Barker Podcast

[yotedragon]

It's a little known fact that Santa Claus's sleigh puts out a Bluetooth signal. It's another little known fact that Santa's balls are Bluetooth compatible. You see, the reason that he is so jolly and fat is that he is slowly absorbing the World Wide Web through his testicles. This internet power is then sent up through the acupuncture meridians to power Mr. Christopher "The Pringle" Kringle for the rest of the year, and this is also why, as Mrs. Clause would attest, he is an usually active lover for his advanced age.

[nswmmb]

Quotes 2

"Aww stop, Ron's a little bean"

"You look bald, but not"

"They're basically in the middle of nowhere, but that's normal"

"Channelling the inner mum energy"

"I'll wrap my arm around it and play it backwards"

"Sit up on your pyjama shorts, tao"

"Shazinator and I are besties, besties for the resties"

The VC: Silent Jo: dun dun dunuh dun dun dunuh ~in James bond theme~

"Santa's here, gimme your money"

"We don't want to see that" "What if I do though?" "You wouldn't have wanted to see it either"

"Thank you, it looks like I'm going to deep throat something :("

"I'm a little mini Karen"

"I thought I saw Daisy, turns out it was an old lady"

"Look its straight, it's gay (snaps spaghetti in half)" "Let me get a longer one"

"Using the knowledge i have gained from the English curriculum, I think the breaking of the spaghetti is symbolism to the idea that gay people are broken"

"Create another one"

"My chesticles Zoe, I don't have testicles"

"Its the Draco Malfoy slicked back but its also puffed up cause its curly hair."

"How do you know that I'm not just typing to my grandmother that's about to die?"

“We got the floor punishment from father”

“Be complete crackheads in public tomorrow”

[jakeperalta]

★ countdown to christmas ★ day 17 of 24: brooklyn nine nine (2013-2021)

“that’s right. boom. just kicked santa in the testicles.”

[blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms]

Carolling- Max Black

Pairing: Max Black x Reader

Characters: Max Black, Han Lee

Warnings: N/A

Request: N/A

Word Count: 402

Author: Aaron

“Just knock the door, smile and shut up. It is your fault we are out here Max, now do as you’re told.” Han scoffed as he tucked his gloved hands into his thickly lined pocket and. With a deep roll of her eye Max rapped her hand against the apartment door and stepped backwards firmly. A series of clicks and clacks erupted from the other side of the door as the occupant loosened their standard New York security.

“What do you want?” The greasy vested, untrimmed moustache wielding man swung the door open.

“We are here to carol for you.” Han smiled enthusiastically as he swung his donation collection bucket from side to side. “Look…” The man eagerly began to close the door “the church is a few doors down, alright?” His obviously faked smile quickly straightened as the door banged against Max’s foot.

“Look jerk, are you going to go all the poor little kids and tell them why Santa can’t come this year? Because I can’t… not again… I don’t think they’re sick, fickle hearts will be able to take another year of disappointment.”

“Well, what’s ready with ‘em?” He asked as Max swung his door back open.

“Han disease.” You said, closing your eyes, drawing a cross against your chest and bowing your head to hide your smile as Han glared over with a double take. “Terrible condition… and all little Suzie wants is a new doll house to play with before she dies.” You reached over and sadly tapped the bucket.

“Han disease, never heard of it!” He exclaimed sceptically.

Max stepped forward with a spookily good sympathy face.

“Well, you see when the children are born they look normal, but after about 3 years they just… stop growing.” Han stared over with a raised brow and an agape mouth. “It’s almost like they’re testicles… well it isn’t even like they don’t to develop to be honest they just might as well have not been born with any at all.” Han gasped audibly. “I know.” Max turned to Han. “Horrible, I know.”

“That’s awful.” The man stood in the doorway and reached into his pocket. “This is all I can give.” He dropped a few coins and some dollar bills into the bucket. “Do you guys have like a website or something I can…”

“No…..” Max smiled and slowly closed to the door on the man silencing him.

[joi-in-the-tardis]

This made my day:

Because our warehouse is having a cake shortage, they sent us heart cakes (that don't even sell for valentine's day) and some "holiday ideas."

Just...

I mean... when I say they need to run all ideas by a ten year old...

This was the "idea" for Thanksgiving:

Surprisingly, none of them sold.

Nobody wanted testicle turkeys.

I wonder if they'll want Santa's butt cheeks.

[b99outofcontext]

That's right. Boom. Just kicked Santa in the testicles.

[indyerstraits]

Jamie thought he knew what he was signing up for when he sent Charlie his family’s Christmas list but there was no way he could’ve anticipated the absolute avalanche of Christmas cheer that poured in through his front door. There were bells and pine, velvet ribbons and a very big sack that wasn’t just a metaphor for testicles. Charlie hadn’t been kidding about making Christmas memorable for the Dyer kids but Jamie couldn’t help but wonder if part of it was just Charlie trying to relive his youth. 

The house was empty of children save for Kahlua who was too young to go bowling. She was but an unwitting witness to the sparkles and red hair that blew into the house, thrilled by the shiny tinsel and Charlie’s little pom pom. She bounced in her bouncer, her tiny feet scraping against the carpet as she tried to make her way into a box filled with shiny baubles.

“Is this real?” Jamie asked as he circled a small tree, examining the pines for authenticity. He couldn’t recall if they’d ever had a real tree in the house before, even if he could remember a tree during a Christmas past. 

All memory of the holiday laid in murky waters, even for Jamie whose mind was a steel trap. It was almost like his brain was trying to protect him from the dangers of lurking too close after what had happened years ago, determined to bury the idea of joy and family coexisting. Jamie couldn’t help but feel a little optimistic about this year while surrounded by so much stuff, however. The colours alone were enough to rouse excitement in his chest, thought of his siblings’ faces on Christmas morning was just the icing on the cake.

He plucked a clear ornament out of a box and held it up to the light, its shiny surface gleaming with potential. Jamie glanced at Charlie.

“I thought you said you were just bringing over presents. This is a lot more than gifts, Santa.”

@sry-chrlie​

[incorrect-tit-quotes]

i want you to suck santa's nutz; and please drink cio's milkies toes real life stop it and instead drink from santa's nutz he has bloody good testicles.

[finn-ray-nal-beads]

Two thoughts for your garbage fire extraordinarie!

I would love hear your worst holiday lines for your unholy trinity! “Santa’s not the only packing a big sack,” etc!

Or, if you want a break from that shit lol. Here’s one of my personal Clyde HCs that you use as you please! Since you asked...

So, I’m not not super into dad kink myself, but I totally see Clyde as been like super dominant, but polite about it lol. Things like “maybe if ya tell me real nice why you think ya deserve to cum, I’ll let ya.” Or “now, ya just know how much I hate doin’ this to ya, darlin,’ but ya had to keep goin.’” “Ya know good n’ well that a lady’s supposed to say ‘please’ when she’s askin’ for my cock.”

I also think he’s a freak in the sheets with one of the filthiest mouths and I think he has a breeding kink! He’s gonna give you a lot more than just a present under the tree and he’ll make sure “your Christmas is gonna be extra white this year, lil’ darlin.’”

I feel ashamed.

FUCKIN OMG @safarigirlsp I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE WEEK BECAUSE OF THE DEPRAVITY BETWEEN OUR BOYS AND THEIR STUPID CATCHPHRASES! SO AS AN XMAS GIFT TO YOU AND EVERYONE SURROUNDING THE GARBAGE FIRE IM GONNA ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS FROM THESE CRAZY AU’S TO THE BEST OF MY CRACK BRAIN KNOWLEDGE!

HERE WE FUCKIN’ GO! 😂

Favorite one liners from our holy trinity....

The first being our resident Sea Fury, Capt. Flip SS “Blowhole” Zimmerman BDE, who now that I think about it must not really know what Xmas is, given that he sails the seas constantly and could give a rat’s ass about holidays in general. After all, he’s got treasure to find for himself and no time to dilly dally with stupid festivities such as Christmas. 

Sure, there’s an occasional snow storm on the high seas, which freeze him and his crew’s dingle berries to raisins when it blows through, but there’s no lights surrounding the massive Jolly Roger, no festive music of any kind because he runs a tight ass ship, clean as a fuckin’ whistle at all times with no fuckin’ funny business, except in the case of fuckin’ around with you that is. 

On the eve of the 25th, pirate time, the both of you are settled in your dining hall, a feast of succulent seafoods, baked to perfection via the resident cook on the ship, lay before your starving eyes. 

Your clad in one of your synched corsets, hardly able to gulp down the wine he’d poured because the waist is knotted so damn tight, causing your tits to practically explode onto the table, like he would so badly welcome at this point. 

He sits perched in his captain’s chair, dressed in his finest buccaneer garb, feathered hat and all, swirling his chalice as he devours your body with his eyes in the candle light. 

Watching your every move as you choke down the drink, throat moving to push down the liquor as you take a deep inhale, expanding your gravid chest as you push your self more into the seating. 

Noticing your boobs bounce with every motion you make to add food to your plate, the ebbs and flows of your soft tits as they beg to be set free from their cage. 

His cock twitches in his pantaloons as he catches himself boring into your chest, clearing his throat to take a swig of his wine as well, before gathering himself back into reality. 

“Where did ya go sailor?” chuckling as you watched him chug his spirits down his gullet, watching his Adam’s Apple bob as you salivated thinking about sucking a huge bruise on the appendage. 

He forced the glass on the table, shaking the food as he exhaled from his gulps, gathering his thoughts for a moment and then turning back to your position, eyes darkened with mischief. 

“I was... thinking,” he cooed, spreading his thighs wide, showing the mast that had erupted in his pants, “I heard the men conversing about this day being a special one of sorts,” taking his hat from his head to run his thick fingers through his hair. 

“And?” you paused from taking a bite of shrimp before he continued further, “what does this have to do with what you were staring me down for Phillip?” cocking your head to the side as he watched your tits waver from your motions. 

“I was thinking of making it a special one for us as well, my sweet siren,” cooing as he leaned himself closer to your side of the table, “what do ya say ya sit on ol’ captain’s mast and tell him your deepest desires?” coaxing a finger to lead you to his thick meaty thighs as you blushed, thinking about him impaling your pussy on his whale cock. 

Now onto our noble land warrior, This Is Sparta... 

I had to do some digging on this one because I know the Spartan’s had several festivals they celebrated because of their many Gods and Goddesses they worshipped and made sacrifices to... So, the closest I found was the tradition of Gymnopaedia (or the festival of naked youths as it’s translated) which is celebrated for over a week and honoring the three mythical beings Apollo, Artemis, and their mother, Leto and showcased bachelors and their marital and athletic capabilities (similar to the Olympics but naked) to the single women of the city of Sparta. 

SO LET’S HAVE SOME FUN WITH BACHELOR WARRIOR FLIP SHOWIN’ OFF THE GOODS TO HIS BRIDE TO BE! 

The streets were fraught with nude and glistening warriors of all abilities. Their bulging muscles, thick meaty thighs, and their endowments on display for all the thirsty women of the city to pick and choose their best suitors. 

You sat perched in your spot as you surveyed the music and majesty before you. A face in a crowd of hundreds of hungry women, each devouring their male counterparts, itching to be filled with their potent seed as they tossed discus and arrows to show their strength and protective capabilities. 

None of them were catching your eyes, however, even if they all were desperate for the attention, demonstrating their wares for the most beautiful woman in the village. 

Each begging to be the apple of your eye, practically injuring themselves as they showcased their endurance and stamina to get you to pick one of them from the crowd of body oil and testicles. 

You sighed, shooing away the suitors one by one, earning scoffs and side eyes from the other women, telling you to stop being so picky or else your womb will dry up from your negative outlook on the sea of cocks clouding your vision. 

You craved something. You weren’t sure what it was, but you desired a man whom desired you in the least desperate sense. Who cherished your independence, your thoughts, your body, and your soul. None of these suitors were capable of fulfilling your womb in that sense, so you kept with the shooing as you searched for your perfect mate. 

Suddenly, a valiant warrior appeared from the crowd, his muscles rippled and his cock swinging at attention as he made his way to the front of the line of men. 

His hair and inky frame over his chiseled face as he bent over to grip the disc laying in wait, encircling the rock with his humongous hands as his back and legs flexed from him lifting the weight above his head. 

Your womb ached as you watched him effortlessly throw the object further and more accurate than any of the other boys present during this festival of games, the heat causing a bead of sweat to form over your heaving tits clasped under your white robes. 

He huffed as he descended from his perch, moving his way to the crowd of hungry women, each fawning over his size and strength as they clawed to get his attention. 

He paid them no mind, zeroing in on your goddess-like posture, not giving him a single indication that you were interested, even if inside you wanted to scrape the ever loving fuck out of his thick pectorals. 

Your eyes met as he trudged through the seas of desperate cries and declarations of love from the girls below you, pushing them off like flies as he came to your eye level. 

You crossed your legs, pushing your chest out like the lady you were, not breaking eye contact with the brave soldier before you. 

“Y/N,” he muttered out amongst the music and cheer, his face the picture of seriousness as he spoke it to you. 

“Phillip,” you recanted back, smoothing your garment over your midsection, only to look back up to see his cock, half hard and leaned to the left, precum leaking from the tip as his pecs rose and fell from his glistening chest. 

“Will you join me in a dance?” moving a large hand in front of him as he begged you with his darkened eyes, to move off your throne of sorts, “please,” his voice changed slightly in desperation for your delicate hand. 

You sat there, taking in the moment as it came, moving a hand to envelope in his as you lifted your effervescent figure to come to his nude form, feeling his cock press against your thigh as he took you in his arms. 

“This way my dove,” he calmly led you through the mess of scowls and scoffs from the other bachelorettes, knowingly irritated at the fact that you’d bagged the hottest and most fertile warrior in the city. 

It was the best festival week of your entire life, ending with the betrothal between the both of you, sealed by the Gods themselves. 

(I’m sorry there’s no funny catchphrase I couldn’t find a way to weasel it in this kind of story lmao, but I did say cock a lot so there’s that!)

And last but certainly not least, the Holy Ghost himself, Rootin’ Tootin’ Shootin’ Cowboy Rustler Flip Zimmerman (Huckleberry) 

It was a good ol’ fashioned country Christmas on the homestead, complete with snow, ice, and of course you tied up on the dining room table being stuffed seven different ways to Sunday like a holiday honey ham. 

You’d already sustained your precious cowboy mercilessly face fucking you, cumming an unholy amount deep in your throat, the remnants mixing with your saliva as you laid spread wide open on the wood furniture. 

Your breath heaving from your chest as you begged for Flip to continue his holiday quest of stuffing you full of him for Christmas. 

“P-please Phil!” you begged, exhausted and wishing he’d touch you in the spot you so badly craved, “I-I!” stammering as he chuckled above you, lighting a cigarette, with is cowboy hat atop his head, and his naked hulking body heaving from his attack on your precious mouth. 

“Ya know I love it when ya beg ta be stuffed like a Christmas stocking ma sweet vixen,” inhaling a drag of sweet nicotine as he watched your cunt gasp for his cock, dripping in anticipation as he made himself hard again watching your asshole pucker from the air in the room. 

“Yer lil’ pussy’s beggin’ for me ain’t she?” he exhaled a cloud, gripping his half hard dick, smearing the remnants of your spit on his girth as he threw his head back form his own touch, “beggin’ to be stuffed like that damn turkey in the oven,” he cooed, ashing his filter in the tray by the doorway, rubbing his hands together as he surveyed your pretty figure, laid out for him. 

“She o-only wants y-you,” whining as you tried to wrench your head around to see where he’d found himself, hoping he was mere inches away from your heat as you writhed in your restraints. 

“Mhmm,” he mused, running his thick hands on your ass, smoothing the skin as he reared one hand to slap it with all the might he could, the ripple from the heat of the blow causing an instant five-star to bloom on the pristine cheek. 

“I love these honey hams a yours darlin’,” he cooed, slapping the other cheek to match its twin, “there so, juicy,” eyes growing dark as he drank in your whines from the pained blows you’d sustained. 

Stilling your hips to prod his thick cock at your weeping hole, the pressure causing you to lose your ever loving mind as you felt him penetrate your walls with a painfully slow motion, making your cunt eat him centimeter by centimeter. 

“P-Phil!” screaming out and begging for more friction, trying to break free from your expertly knotted ties on the legs of the table. 

“Uh huh darlin’,” he tsked, still inching himself in as you cried out into the living room, “naughty girls don’t get presents, don’t ya remember how the song goes sugar?” he chuckled, stilling himself for what seemed like hours before he started his assault on your tight little hole. 

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. I CANNOT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I WROTE I HOPE IT’S DECENT ENOUGH TO BE WORTHY OF THE WHALE COCK VIBES! 

🖤,

ray-nal-beads

[ronaldreagancutupwhiletalking]

tumblr wont let me post Santa jerking off with light up testicles

[oneofusnet]

Screener Squad: Love, Death, & Robots - Season 2 LOVE, DEATH, & ROBOTS – SEASON 2 REVIEW Netflix’s animated anthology series returns with a significantly truncated second season of 8 animated shorts of murder, mayhem, sex, drugs, killer robots, giant dead bodies, evil Santas, testicle hunting immortality seekers, and much more. Chris, Harmoni, Tessa, and Eliot gauge the episodes one at a time, give… Read More »Screener Squad: Love, Death, & Robots – Season 2 read more on One of Us

[no-idea-what-imdoing]

Some quotes from the first term this year (we go in person but masks are required in my district) part one

It’s so weird they put shaggy and Velma together

They get smaller and smaller every year

Shut up that’s why y’all bonin

I’m anxious sometimes

If I was rich why would I live in Palatka

I don’t want to be rich I just want to be upper middle class

While you’re getting taxes we’re living on government money

We’ve been in school a day and you’ve already started 2 rumors about me

How far is six feet? Just take a 6 foot person and lay them down!

So how I tell if I’m 6 feet apart from someone I imagine my brother laying on the ground

What’s the best flavor of ice cream?

-chocolate peanut butter

Incorrect

Don’t eat the penis nut

*squeals* DONT TOUCH MY CHICKEN

What did you three do to your table mates?

We ate them

Now all we need is a bonfire

It’s too dang hot you got one up there Lucas *points at sun*

Your not the real Santa your just a fake

Get in the bag

Hurry up kid

You know what iconic thing George Washington said when they crossed the Delaware?

Happy birthday?

Get in the boat.

Tiktok bullying is real

As soon as I get in my car I’m whipping it out of here

Hey sexies

My signature does not count I’m a registered sex offender

T:How much do you like president trump with a 1 being you hate his gu-

S1:1.

S2: Is there anything lower than 1

Who do you have for math

…oh I’m not taking Pre-Calc

You’re in AICE Statistics? Are you crazy!

Maybe but I was put in it I didn’t choose it

Was last week the first week of school?

If I had just given birth and someone said aw the baby looks just like you I’d be so offended

S1:He added an E on the end

s2:OH like Tomato

S1: THATS NOT HOW TOMATO IS SPELLED

S2: *gasps* THERES A WIKEPEDIA PAGE ON COFOFEE

T: yes it was a very big deal

S3: anyone can make a Wikipedia page here I’ll make one right now Michael is stupid

S1: you should probably not speak for the rest of class

S1: Michael thought tomato was spelled with an E

S2: what did I ever do to you

S4: He’s just Vibin look he’s sitting in a chair enjoying the view

S3: why are they so small

T: would you like this old white man or this old white man

T2: I asked Mr. [redacted] and Mr.[redacted2] if GenZ still likes tie dye cause I heard it was cool again

S: if Mr. [redacted] thinks it’s cool it is he is a trendsetter

Eat your green bean bean dipstick

Rainbows are gay

I honestly forgot we were juniors that’s scary

S1:I hate it when people go slow on 100 you know you’re going slow when 3 semis pass you

S2:By slow do you mean the speed limit?

S1: yesss no one goes the speed limit on 100

S3: if you’re going the speed limit you’re going to slow that’s what I believe

That’s very scandalous

Yesss

*reveals ankles*

SeXy

Staff member on the announcements: Do not share your drinks and let others drink them this is just a PSA brought to you by common sense

T:Flip a coin it’ll achieve the same thing

S: I have a chuck-e-cheese token

Dave and Busters seems like a better chuckecheese

I’m going to scream at the top of my lungs and they’re gonna be like shut up and I’m gonna do it again

You’re like my dad anytime I get on my computer at home: dO yOuR kHan AcAdEmY sOn

Why did everyone study-

Except you Mark. Dungeons and Dragons.

Dungeons and dragons is a life thing

Wait when did we get doordash

What is the capital of Mississippi

Jackson

No

Yes it is *reaches for other students phone and looks over to prove it*

Someone got uranium and now I’m mad

SANTA

I WANNA SIT ON SANTA

MOVE I WANNA SIT ON SANTA

BUT I WANT TO SIT ON SANTA

Where’s jack

Jack had to ‘get back’

Haha that’s a good one

Thanks I work on those

This parabola and line are following coronavirus protocol

Social distancing

But are they wearing masks?

Or they’re girls and Justin

HEY ok true-

Ah moisture

-Yes the wind is very moisturized it’s not raining just moist wind

singing in the rain

Ugh I hate the squeaks

-squeaks get worse-

Stop it’s annoying

Don’t mention it it makes it worse

I face time in the shower

Really me too

I was joking

Well I do it

*crosses chest*

Yeah chick-fil-a supports that [conversion therapy]

*weakly* eattt moree chickennn

Just look at chicken sandwich

I’m eating zaxbys now

Is it okay if we have a negative number

Is it that bad

It’s Fox News

Our next source is Fox News

Ooh can’t wait to do that one it sounds so fun

Fox News is awful it’s biased

But no ads?

Yeah no ads thankfully *then the ads appear*

*ex-student walks in door*

What in the turtleneck

WOAH ITS A SPIDER I HATE SPIDERS

*everyone backs away*

*holding rabbit*

What is that

What

That

What

That

Those are testicles

Can any chicken lay eggs without a rooster

Yes rylee the rooster just fertilizes it

If you and Ryan were to do it without anything

NO STOP IT PEOPLE ARE LOOKING

There’s a 99.9% you’d get pregnant

It’s not based on how many times you do it there’s a 99% chance you’d be pregnant

S1:The seventh graders are the smallest kids at the school

S2:And the bossiest

S1:Like bruh shut up I could step on you

Oh my god, no way let’s kiss

I’m about to bring my own mini Tabasco bottle

Does the royal family even have a last name

Steven why are you asking a bunch of standard white southerners about the royal family

*aggressively sips water starting into camera at other class we video call to in another school*

*more people join his staring*

Person 1 *wheezing*: those poor kids

Why are they standing on the table

T:The fan.

The Lorax does not approve but I don’t care about the Lorax

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

SPANISH IDIOMS:

So, this was a request from @thsgdhdb373bd, thanks for suggesting it!!! 

I had to look up what exactly an “idiom” was, so I hope these all fit in the definition.

Also, I’m sorry in advance, but we Spaniards like to swear a lot and tend to be really colourful with our expressions, so you’ve been warned!

Let’s start!

Ser la leche / Ser la hostia / Ser la polla (literal translation: To be the milk / to be the wafer (keep in mind “hostia” is a bad word in Spanish) / to be the dick) : To be the greatest 

Cagarse en la leche / Cagarse en la puta / Cagarse en la mar (salada) / Cagarse en la madre de alguien (literal translation: To shit in the milk / to shit in the bitch / to shit in the (salty) sea / to shit on someone’s mother): We use it as a curse

Me cago en la puta madre que te parió (literal translation: I shit on the whore mother that birthed you): It’s just a regular insult 

(Algo) está en el quinto pino / en el quinto coño / donde Cristo perdió el gorro (literal translation: [something] is in the fifth pine / in the fifth pussy / where Christ lost his hat): Something is really far away

Dar el coñazo / Ser un coñazo (literal translation: To give the big pussy / to be a big pussy): To be a bother

Darse una hostia (literal translation: To give oneself a wafer): To hit oneself

Es coña (literal translation: It’s a joke): It’s not true

Qué pasa tronco (literal translation: What’s up trunk): What’s up bro

Hacerse el sueco (literal translation: To simulate being swedish): To simulate being more stupid or naive than one is

Pillarse un pedo (literal translation: To get oneself a fart): To get drunk

Encoñarse / Enchocharse (literal translation: To become a pussy [yes, “coño” and “chocho” both mean “pussy”]): To fall in love

¡Manda huevos! (literal translation: send eggs!): We use it as an expression of anger or outrage

Estar grillado (literal translation: to be like a cricket): To be crazy

Ni de coña (literal translation: Not even as a joke): We use it to emphasize a negation

Estar cabreado (literal translation: To be like a goat): To be angry

Una pasada (literal translation: A pass): Something really cool

Joder (literal translation: Fuck): We use it for basically everything, usually as a curse, but it can also be a good thing, like a surprise.

Y una polla (literal translation: And a dick): We use it as a sign of disbelief, when somebody says something you just can’t believe it

No hay huevos (literal translation: There’s no eggs): We use it as a dare, all dares usually start like this “No hay huevos a...”

Flipa colega / Flipar en colores / Flipar (literal translation: Flip dude / to flip in colours / to flip ): To freak out, used when something is unbelievable

No me toques los huevos (literal translation: Don’t touch my balls): Don’t anger me

Madre Mía / Virgen Santa / Dios Mío (literal translation: My mother / holy Virgin / my God): Used like the English “my God”

 Acojonarse (literal translation: To become a testicle): To be afraid

Poner a alguien mirando a Cuenca / poner a alguien a cuatro patas (literal translation: To put someone looking to Cuenca [a city in Spain] / to put someone in four legs): To fuck someone from behind

Me mola / Mola / Está guapo / Está guay / Mola mazo / Mola mogollón (literal translation: It’s cool for me / cool / it’s handsome / it’s cool / it’s very cool [Madrid expression] / it’s very cool [rest of Spain]): When you like something

Me renta (literal translation: it’s renting me): We use it when an activity appeases you

Hacer el gilipollas (literal translation: to do the jerk): To do something stupid

Ser la caña (literal translation: to be the rod): To be amazing

Tomarse una caña / Ir de cañas (literal translation: to take a rod / to go for rods): To go out for beers.

Vale (literal translation: It’s worth it): Ok

Esto va a misa (literal translation: This goes to mass): This has to be accepted with no complaints

Estar en la parra (literal translation: To be in the vine): To be aloof

Currar (literal translation: To hustle): To work

Estar mosqueado (literal translation: To be like a fly): To be angry

Partirse de la risa / Partirse el pecho / Partirse la caja (literal translation: to break apart from the laughter / to break apart one’s chest / to break apart one’s box): To laugh a lot

Cortarse / Morirse de vergüenza (literal translation: To cut oneself / To die from shame): To be ashamed

Montar un pollo (literal translation: To mount a chicken): To start a fight

Qué marrón (literal translation: What a brown): To be in a problem

Movida (literal translation: Thing / Movement / Move): It can mean literally anything, from a complicated situation, to a thing, to Madrid during the 80s

Me chirría (literal translation: It creaks me): When you are not satisfied with a solution or you feel something’s not right

Rayarse (literal translation: To scratch yourself): To overthink something

Estar a dos velas (literal translation: To be with two candles): To be poor

Ponerse las botas (literal translation: To put on one’s boots): To eat a lot

Dorar la píldora / Ser un pelota (literal translation: To gild the pill / to be a ball): When someone gets the attention of someone in a higher position than them in order to ascend

Buen Provecho / Qué aproveche (literal translation: Good profit / Might it be fruitful): It’s like the French “bon apetit”

These are the ones I could think of / found, but I’m sure there are more, so feel free to add more below!!!

Also, feel free to make more suggestions for these posts via ask!