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sweetswesf · 2 years

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Finally Made a Move on Gym Bae

Hey folks...I thought I'd update y'all on what has been building up for months: me finally figuring out if my gym crush felt the same way about me...so...here we go...

(Side bar, this gif is from the game "Crazy Taxi" for all my Gen-Zr's out there...It is based in San Francisco. I used to love to play this as a kid...who knew I'd be working for a taxi company in San Francisco...the ride at that company was even crazier than depicted in the game!" Anyway, back to the story...)

I wrote my number on a piece of paper and just put it in my gym bag "just in case"...I said to myself, "Am I really going to do this?"...I did not meet with my therapist that week, and we had been meeting every week prior to this. I wanted to give her a good story/report card about the progression of our interactions in our next meeting, so I figured I needed to pass my number off to him and figure out his story soon lol. Funnily enough, the last time I told my crush I liked them, it was after many talks and encouragement in therapy from my therapist. I went to another therapist for the last crush...The last crush did not feel the same way and he did not want to continue even the friendship. I mean, it was like he was REPULSED...So naturally, there was trepidation with this new crush. I told myself that I would wait be approached, but I got impatient and listened to people who told me that I needed to do more and that maybe he didn't approach me because he works there. I fought them back every time, reassuring them and standing firm on the statement that I am bold and DO "put myself out there" despite me wanting to no longer be the pursuer.

After I put my number in my gym bag, I headed to the gym. I had a call with my other laid off female ex-apprentice gym buddy so I couldn't talk to my gym bae at the desk like I usually do. As I was signing in, I was talking on my phone. He came over and started talking and I thought, "Wow, he don't care that I'm moving my lips and obviously talking on my phone."...Then I realized he was telling me to write my name and number down. I got too hyped, like, "GOD! This is it! I didn't even have to put my pride aside and approach him with my number." Then, I realized, it was because the computers were down again and they had to do manual sign ins and he asked everyone for their name and number. LOL. I smiled WAYYY too big when he asked me...

Anyway. I worked out and the cardio portion of my workout, sometimes I can see him through the mirror. Unfortunately, I was booted from the group cardio room because a class was about to start. So, the only feasible place to do cardio was in close eye shot of the main desk where he stands. He was checking me out, stealing looks, making eye contact...I tried to ignore it as to not seem as interested, but I met his eye here and there...

Finally, getting my bag and heading out, I put my number in my hand just in case. I wasn't sure if I was going to do it or not, but I knew that I needed to have the number ready because my brain tends to shut off. I obviously plopped right in front of him the day before next to his colleagues and kind of made it awkward so I needed to redeem myself. I also knew that it was his last work day, and I didn't want to go another weekend of wondering what if...

On my way out, I wanted to check if the coast was clear and that his cock-blocking manager wasn't there. Another guy who I had never seen before working there was the only other person beside him and there was only one customer who was in a wheel chair below the height of the desk so he would not see me slipping my number to the guy.

He gave me the sweetest wave and smile. He crouches down to my level and does that. It felt way too personal. I got past the desk and paused. I turned and looked back at him and head and hand gestured for him to come closer. I slid him the paper with my number on it. He said, "OOOhh," laughed a little bit, then told me to have a good day in flirty way. I regretted it as I walked out. I knew he would not be who I want to be with in the long run. I assumed he would no be able to afford even to cover dates. I did not want to run on this assumption though and just wanted to see if there was more behind his smiles and our eager attempts at short convos.

He texted instead of called around 6 hours later around 5:30 PM. I almost didn't think it would happen. He apologized for having it take so long and that he had just woken up from a nap. If you got your crush's number finally...would you take a nap? Exactly...Anyway, I'll continue...

Because his name can be represented in an emoji, of course, he used that in his intro twice...as I expected *eye roll*. I thought, "Man. There are already red flags."

Did I listen to that intuition? No. Of course not...

I should have known how things would go when he didn't opt for a call. He joked and said he had a wife and three kids, to which I responded, "My bad bro" and this gif.

He said he was joking. Another red flag. Don't joke like that on the first convo...

He also did not want to tell me his age. Another red flag. I knew he was young, but I guess I had hoped not that young...sure enough. 22. 7 years my junior. My friend and I joked about what we were doing at 22:

Her: "hungover a lot".

Me: "A lot of tears. I had just moved to the Bay from NY."

He is one year younger than my little brother and the last guy that tried to talk to me was this age range too and I reminded them both real quick, "This feels icky!". But, as in the last time, they reassured me, "Don't judge me." I should have continued judging, only harder...

This guy got sexual in his convo FAST...He needed a lot of descriptions, a lot of affirmations, and he kept asking me to ask HIM questions. I chalked it up to him being young and tried not to judge so quickly. And I was so happy that he was texting back fast, we were talking for hours...until damn there 4 AM. I tried to leave a few times and he expressed he wanted me to stay on. He even sent me a good morning text 4 hours after we stopped talking lol.

It felt like relief and validation...It felt like, "Wow, maybe he's more interested in me than I thought." But he would never use my name. And he didn't ask many of the things I hoped he would ask, or say some of the things I hoped he would. He said he would have asked me for my number a long time ago but was respecting my space. He also asked things like, "How long were you waiting to give me your number?" I did not answer that. I felt either he was trying to stroke his ego and be condescending or that he was truly honored. And your girl is kinda horny so, I mean, I was like wow, he's talking about sex a lot but we're also getting into his background but it was also horrible because it was going so fast that I was like, "Hmm...I'm going to either do some things I don't want to do, or let him down and this is going to end bad...or end before it can even begin." I saw the signs and I was like:

I thought, "Well maybe I'll just not have intercourse. Maybe I will have intercourse...cause he is BIG and talking like he know what he doing! Maybe I'll make sure he's tested first and negative for everything. But what if it's fake. Do people do that?" I talked him down to a 3 date rule before he could even touch the cat. He was against it LOUDLY at first, then said he was cool with my rules. I was compromising with him AND with my vows with God. I said, "WOw. I've been doing so good with this abstinence thing, that I may let a guy who cleans up the gym from time to time and has expressed not even wanting to do the 3 dates screw all of that up...AND he's expressing all this IN THE FIRST CONVO." Can someone say, "DESPERATE".

See. It's one thing to have standards and boundaries. It's another to actually PRACTICE them. The 3 date rule IS a new thing for me. I've let guys do more for less. I thought about all the things I would do with him. I REALLY want to play this question prompt card game with SOMEONE. I want to have game nights. I want to watch movies and lay up with someone cute. ALL that to me in my small space seems like it would lead to sex. But I was ready to risk it all. No matter how much I ALSO want to remain celibate.

The next day I didn't do any of the studying I had planned. Just talked to him in the time I was supposed to study. I told him. He didn't care. He told me he wasn't looking for a relationship. I thought, "That's okay. Me neither. Because aint no way I'm showing you to my friends and family." I wanted to see if maybe he was a student and working towards making more money or something. I had a STRONG feeling he wasn't, but listened to friends who were like, "Stop judging." I KNEW...I KNEW...stupid and new neck tatts of his were the give away. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! Him even expressing that he practices tattooing in his free time screamed, "THIS AINT THE ONE YOU EVEN WANT TO INVITE OVER FOR MONOPOLY." But, I kept at it. I haven't had anyone wishing me good morning for damn there a WHOLE YEAR. Last time was around this time last year. And that guy was worse! I wasn't even attracted to the guy. I'm attracted to this guy only a bit more...like, going closer up to him when HE was working out one day, I was like, "Mmm, I don't like him like that anymore." But other angles were like, "Okay, maybe." That day he didn't ask me for my number and was quick with his convo, and I should have listened to that more.

He expressed he was new to the city, just got out of a long relationship. She left him. He said he lost a lot of money and was going to buy a house with her, etc. etc. I THINK I believe it, but IDK man...

I mean, I was trying to make stuff happen. If I was on the outside looking in, and if this was happening to another person, I'd be like, "YOU DUMMY! HE AIN'T THAT INTO YOU!"'

I saw a tweet that stung, "There's a difference between being sexually attracted and interested in someone." I mean, it's not a revelation, we all know this, but a right on time message...

He tried to meet up to do something on a blanket in the park IN THE RAIN when he found out we live right next to each other. Same MF cross street. This whole time. *face palm* This was hours after laughing with my friend that I did a broke walking in the park date with the last dude. And here I was being propositioned to do this AGAIN.

I figured he couldn't afford it, but there is ice cream, there is boba, there's drinks at the bar, there's restaurants. A person that wants to will MAKE THE EFFORT.

He was showing effort though and affirming me that he was cool with not jumping into sex and just friendship.

He mentioned one time when I wished him good night after waiting and never receiving his text reschedule of a meet up he proposed that I didn't text him back.

Convos like this went on for 4 days. I mean, I went back to the feeling of hope that it would be his number on my phone when I received a notification. Like a drug. If I do that for someone like this, imagine if it was with someone who was ACTUALLY into me like I was into them. Someone who was REAL marriage potential.

I keep reading the stats about Black women in our singledom and I'm tired of it. I've never been with anyone and it didn't bother me as much in my early and mid-twenties. I didn't know I would get to be 29 and STILL no boyfriend ever. Just flings that waste my time. NO ONE of promise. Ever. I'm pretty, nice body, dress well, stylist, personality, TALENTED, come from a 2 parent home, had a nice paying job, I'm smart, college educated, in a male-dominated field, been around the world, CHRISTIAN.

For like a day during our convos, I felt GREAT. I had someone who liked me! Or so it felt. I was smiling more. I was more optimistic about staying in San Francisco longer all of a sudden. When a mood swing happened when he went long stretches without texting back, I paid for a random Black girl’s meal because I knew she probably has gone through heartbreak from some idiot wasting her time. I felt for her and didn’t know her but assumed her walk has been, is, or would be similar one day.

I thought, well, maybe God doesn't want this for me. God grants your desires and prayers, but what if that's not what he wants to give you? Do I keep yearning for it, or do I look at the signs and just accept that this MIGHT not be in my future. He's got a plan and I admittedly aint been trusting him. And I'm not proud of that.

Forcing ANYTHING will not succeed. I thought maybe the boy was just hella insecure. I don't know. I shouldn't even let that young and inept man occupy my headspace like this.

I shut it down today. Told him bye after asking if he wanted to see each other and he responded, "Aww you want to see me?" When I said, "Yeah. Only if it's what you want to do." To which he responded, "Where at." That was the final straw. I mean, I have just NOT been respecting myself. But this...It was too much even for me in that dumb state I was in...The dumb state I may still be in...

Ugly selfies was a giveaway too. I don't mean ugly as in his features, I mean ugly as in, it wasn't little effort. No, your photos don't need to be amazing AT ALL, but if you really care, you wouldn't send your blurry worst. ESPECIALLY after the intended recipient tells you, "I won't judge. I see you every day. I think you're cute." etc. etc. But if you don't really care about that person like that, you're like, "Ehh, I'll send whatever." I don't call anyone ugly. He called hisself ugly and I shut that down.

I told him he wasn't making effort and probably just wanted to have sex but wasn't interested in me. Told him bye. He had a really sorry excuse and half-answer and told me he'd see me around. He told me I was right. I didn't confirm if he meant I was right about him just wanting sex or if I was right about him not setting up anything and that actions speak louder than words. I asked him to confirm or deny my understanding of what he was saying. Maybe it was too much for him.

A part of me STILL wants to keep this damn door open. No matter how much I know this ain't a good idea for me, it feels like a loss. Yet again. I kept asking if I sabotaged it. Because he showed signs and said words and maybe he was intimidated, young, preserving his feelings. Maybe I mismanaged them. Maybe I moved too fast. But no. Anyone who is for me will be ready. I maybe moved too fast for him. I may not have been his cup of tea too. Just good enough to have sex with. I don't know man. I still don't know if he was actually attracted. Words are words. I have faked attraction before. I thought a guy was cute only with a face mask on before.

Sure, I could have hopped on the phone, but, I figured he was nervous and didn't want to make him more nervous. Because I've been nervous. I'm an empath. Sometimes to my own fault.

I thought of calling my old high school love. I'm just digging in the bottom of the trash can.

Hours after this, my dad contacted me to apologize after his long haiitus. I also got hit up by SO many people at that same time. Maybe it was from God because I am emotionally spent.

You can't win if you don't play, and you can't play if you stay inside all day. I tried. I'm just jumping for the wrong ones. It came up in therapy that I don't trust myself. I don't. And I need to trust God. And I need to trust myself.

I don't want to go back to not being able to wake up to a good morning text. Maybe that's what his fear was too. Maybe he was doing the same: trying something he wasn't totally into due to loneliness. My fear is that I will end up like my mom: give everything of yourself to a man who mismanages it and takes you for your money after you do everything you're supposed to do in that marriage and more. I don't want that for me. I am not the player type either. I can't just do the sexual act and not expect for there to be something where the guy spends his money and time with me in the day time outside the bedroom.

Truth is, God will curse whatever is not meant for you. I don't think this was meant for me but I tried to force it anyway. And God is saying, "Listen to me! Trust me! I got you! Quit being restless." I can remember that, but I still have heartache yo. How can I forget this with the next person who may come along? Whenever you are on your way to accomplish something big or elevate, the devil is always there to tempt you. I’ve been beating myself up that I failed this test. Even if I didn’t act physically on it, the thoughts and words were bad enough.

I prayed about this one. And I was on the fence. But I knew my best self would not have, and I should have been that.

If he contacts me tomorrow, what will I do? Will I give him a second chance? I shouldn't. But a part of me believes that I will. Would y'all pray for me, please?

#gym crush #fitness #prayer #fear #sesame street #oscar the grouch #betty white #shrek #three blind mice #san francisco #valentines day #valentine #crazy taxi

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