#sam the tree shrew

[rabiesram]

forgot to introduce THIS guy this disgusting man /aff This is 'Sam' the tree shrew. He's been around for. a long time. used to make drinks for the older gods. Sam 'belonged' to the Old Faith for a time until crowntau just straight up stole him from them

[chic-beyond-the-wall-oc-acct]

So, project 2025 has been deleting their PDFs but a few lovely people have posted the list of books they want to ban and other than the fact that the entire list is stupid, here's some that stuck out to me + the reasons listed next to them. Most of the books on the list are lgbtq+ books which one would expect to find there, so I just did ones I didn't expect.

The Holy Bible - Challenged for religious beliefs and graphic content.

A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin - Sexual violence, political intrigue.

Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson - Death and religious content.

Captain Underpants series by Dav Pilkey - Toilet humor and "disobedience."

Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak - Critique of the Russian Revolution.

Deadly Deceits by Ralph McGehee - Former CIA agent's critiques of the agency.

Emma by Jane Austen - Complex gender themes, social critique.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury - Censorship and media manipulation by the government.

Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling - Accusations of promoting witchcraft.

Howl by Allen Ginsberg - Explicit sexual content, anti-establishment themes

Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss - Concerns over violence against parents.

I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter by Erika L. Sánchez - Mental health, sexual content.

It's Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Harris - Sex education content.

It's So Amazing! by Robie H. Harris - Sex education content.

None Dare Call It Conspiracy by Gary Allen - Discusses alleged hidden global power structure.

None Dare Call It Treason by John A. Stormer - Anti-communist and conspiracy-focused.

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn - Critique of Soviet labor camps.

Operation Paperclip by Annie Jacobsen - Exposes secret U.S. program involving former Nazis.

My Brother Sam Is Dead by James Lincoln Collier - Violence, anti-war themes.

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt vonnegut- Anti-war themes.

Spycatcher by Peter Wright - Ex-MI5 agent's account of intelligence operations.

The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama - Criticism of religion, perceived political messages.

The Awakening by Kate Chopin - Female independence, sexuality.

The Book of Night Women by Marlon James - Slavery, graphic violence.

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C. Wrede - Magic, feminism.

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein - Themes of selfishness, parenting.

The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy - Examines class and caste issues in India.

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood - Critique of religious extremism and patriarchy.

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas - Examines police violence and racial injustice

The Hunger Games Series by Suzanne Collins - Depicts oppressive government and rebellion.

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster - Political subtext, wordplay.

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver - Critique of colonialism and missionary work.

The Power and the Glory by Graham Greene - Critique of religion and political oppression

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle - Religious critique.

The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli - Seen as a critique of political ethics.

The Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare - Often challenged for themes of submission of women in marriage.

Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer - Themes of violence, supernatural elements.

V for Vendetta by Alan Moore - Political rebellion, violence.

War is a Racket by Smedley D. Butler - Critique of war profiteering.

Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein - Dark humor, "rebellious" themes.

Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak - Themes of rebellion, dark imagery.

Where's Waldo? by Martin Handford - Alleged inappropriate illustrations.

White Noise by Don DeLillo - Critique of consumerism and modern society.

Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes - Feminist themes.

Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss - Seen as political allegory.

Zorba the Greek by Nikos Kazantzakis - Critique of authority and societal norms.

[grigori77]

Critical Role, Campaign 3 Episode 71

Yay, back to regular reacting times. Long may it continue ...

Blimey ... I'm with you Laura, that is an ... INTERESTING look for Ashley ... but NOT AS BAD as Sam's ... oh gods, now she's doing a French accent ... which I STILL better than Sam's ...

Ashley: "I'm French! It's my way!"

Wow ... this actually might be the best NordVPN ad for ages ...

Matt: "I think you almost killed Travis ..." Yeah ...

HOMELANDER in Mortal Kombat? Both cool AND disturbing ...

Matt: "Lady I'm married to, next to the horse!" Travis: "Yeah, horse lady!" Matt: "Yeah, this is getting quite disturbing, very Twin Peaks ... as much as I'd love to keep Sam in that outfit ..." Sam: "Oh God, it's so hot!"

YEAH!!! Bye bye, Ratanish, you big butthead!

Okay, so where are we? This IS the Shattered Teeth, right?

Perception check already? Go Liam ... Nat20!!! OF COURSE he does ... monkeys? Look at Ashley, already cute-grinning ... :3

Chetney: "There's an ocean, nearby! Intoxicating! We are truly lucky to be here!" Ashton: "Are you okay?"

Alright, seriously, what IS going on with Chetney? Is he tripping on funny psychotropic moss?

Laudna: "Are you an island boy? Do you operate on island time?" Hmmm ... am I missing an in-joke here?

Cliff! Watch it ...

This is INTENSE landscape ... very broody ...

Jirana the Shore Shrew ... cue loads of playing around with shudhing noises for THAT name ...

Imogen trying to send a Message to Jirana ... Matt: "Roll a D100 for me." Balls ... and 3 points of psychic damage! Ack ... oh, no, just 1 point ... not SO bad ...

Looking for the Great Tree of Atrophy? Hmmm ... but are they on the right tree? Probably not ... but Imogen still wants to go up and see ... so dhr grabs Orym to take with her, and Laudna sends Pate too ...

Liam: "Have I ever actually flown before?" Oh boy ...

I'm sorry, HOW high? Oof ... oh great, just an endless fog bank ... great ... Liam: "So ALL of the Shattered Teeth are obscured?" Crap ...

The shadow is MOVING ... oh that's not good ... yes, dive. DIVE DIVE DIVE!!!

Laura: "What if it's a nice Falkor? It's never a nice Falkor ..." No. No it's not.

Wow ... I love that ... Orym has INSANE good perception and a truly HORRIBLE sense of direction ... XD

Pick s direction ... FCG: "We can't just stand around with our metal dicks in our hands."

"Squishies in the middle!" Yup ...

Little feetsies ... LOL ... Matt: "I just wanted to say that so bad."

Fireflies? Ashton: "Remember the last time we thought some little glowing lights were cute?"

Oh no, Laudna, this is NOT the time for a swarm ... oh well, there she goes anyway ...

Pass Without A Trace! Here we go ... meanwhile Ashley's distracted making sure she doesn't smell like the horse suit ...

Tiny beating wings? Oh great ... not pixies again, please ...

An AMPHIBIOUS pixie? Weird shit ... that can't be good ...

Low growling and thuds from somewhere? Oh hell no ...

Trusting Fearne to know how to move through a place like this IS probably a smart play, actually.

Ashton: "I'm more scared of IT than I sm of you." Fearne: "Well that doesn't sound right." Ashton: "No, you ARE very scary."

Sending Pate out to scout ... Laudna: "And don't HIT ON the faeries."

Wow ... only TWO of this party have Darkvision ... great ...

Now they're looking for spiders? Hmmmm ...

A big fucking footprint ... 7 FEET LONG?!!! Seriously, Matthew?

Grim Psychometry! Okay ...

Oh, so they're on a BLOODY GAME TRAIL right now ... that's just LOVELY ...

And there's bits of broken canopy ... shit ...

Not many places to hide, clearly ... Imogen: "This place is bad!" Ashton: "Yeah, it's bad, everything's bad."

A makeshift camp, then ... and Fearne can make sn extra overgrown think to shelter them too? Okay ... "A little Bob Ross cabin". Nice. Sounds tight, but also quite cosy ...

Liam: "Is the rest of the show gonna be us just decorating?" XD

Night time but for them it still feels like early afternoon ... oof, timezones are EVIL ...

Chetney takes first watch ... so that whooshing sound KEEPS happening? Not a good sign ...

Laudna takes second watch, along with Pate ... "This is as low as I go, you didn't make me to he quiet." Yeah ...

Laura: "Okay, what if the creature IS the Shore Shrew?" Travis: "Okay, go to sleep."

And now they're being CHECKED OUT by the pixies ... wow, and these things are FUCKING UGLY up close ...

Liam: "I can imagine it walking right across your eye." Laura: "Like in Aeon Flux?" Oh yeah! XD

Extra watch? Then they can get a LONG rest ... so it's FCG with Pate helping.

Now there's a whole bloody HORDE of the fucking things surrounding them ... FCG tries to Talk With Animals ...

Laudna sleeps with her eyes open? Of course she does ... O.O

FCG seems to be making friends ... he tries to pickpocket his meat from him ... that didn't go well ... Chetney: "You're not supposed to be bartering with them!" FCG: "GO back to sleep." I can't believe that worked ...

Detect Thoughts? Hmmmm ... meanwhile Pussy II jokes ensue ...

One perches in his hand and HE CASTS TONGUES in it? AND IT WORKS?!!! Holy fuck ...

No name, just "me" ... hmmm ... "the Spray Cannon"? Okay ...

Oh, the "Smelly One" is some kind of creature ... oh, they decorate their bodies to mask their scents ...

Ah ... so the stuff is actually their SHIT ... of course ... they have to cover themselves with pixie shit ...

The island is uninhabited? Oh, there's Toriz? The Protector? Ummmmm ... what?

Big fire? FCG: "Oh, you guys are pyros?" Oh, so they WANT a big fire ... XD Yeah, I reckon they can accommodate that ...

Okay, so waking everybody up yo meet the new friends ...

Orym rolls over and IMMEDIATELY starts doing his morning push-ups ...

This is like now SUPREMELY bizarre ...

I love Me so much, I swear to the gods this thing is ADORABLE ...

Imogen tries to speak in its head ... "I'm in your head." Oh gods ...

Me: "You promised a fire." FCG: "Oh yeah, they like fire."

Imogen: "You're worried they're just gonna push us off a cliff?" Orym: "Oh ... well I WASN'T ..." XD

So they're APPROACHING the whooshing sound? Hmmmm ...

An old, long abandoned campsite? Interesting ... Grim Psychometry again ... oh shit, something NASTY happened here a long time ago ... oh, now that was just quietly TERRIFYING ...

Okay ... so it's time to make ... The Fire ...

Imogen: "Me, could EVERYONE poop on us? Oh, so gross ..." Me: "You want a rain from Me?" Hmmmm ...

Insight check on Me? Ooh, WHISPERS!!! Aaaaaaah ...

Fearne bamfs out Mister ... meanwhile they're discussing if they ACTUALLY want to get genuinely SHAT ON by these things ... it smells like lavender? Oh, so it's THAT MOSS that Chetney was chewing on earlier ... that explains a lot ...

Oh yeah, these guys really do LOVE fire ...

Me (to his friends): "The newcomers require a rain party." Oh. My. GODS ...

They are actually getting PELTED with this ... SHIT. Yeah ... Ashton: "Sometimes I think I should have just let that living room set kill you all."

Building a suitable bonfire ... oh yeah, OF COURSE Chetney knows what wood burns well.

All right, here we go ...

Ah, so this will be Laudna trying her Fire Magic under Fearne's guidance ... wow, nice job, girls! O.O ... oh yeah, they're just making a BIG shos of all this, and the pixies are just LOVING IT ...

Oh, here we go ... something's coming ...

A massive multi-legged komodo dragon that can change colours? Oh boy ... and it has NO EYES, just a FUCKLOAD of teeth ... with a big star on its nose? Like a MOLE?!!!

Stealth check ... Chetney rolls STUPID high ... znd it STILL attacks? Not good ...

Go to break? NOW?!!!

Shit, that's a NAT20?!!! Matt: "Why are you cheering?" 62 POINTS OF PIERCING DAMAGE to Chetney? Holy fuck ... znd it's time to ROLL INITIATIVE!!!

Battlemap! Yay!

Liam: "So Chetney just got COMPLETELY WRECKED?" Gods yes ...

Charge! Orym rushes the beast, using Seedling to pull himself right into its face! Bait and Switch on Chetney, nice! Protective Orym for the win!

Imogen Summons her Reiloran! Hex Mind? Okay ... using SPECIAL SORCERER MATHS she casts a long range attack on the beast! Zap! Psychic damage, bitch! Now the Reiloran delivers a Mind Spike znx deals EVEN MORE?!!! Oh, and then Mstt reminds her it can do MULTI-ATTACK so it does it AGAIN!!!

Chetney: "Oh my FUCKING GOD!!!" Casts Blood Curse of Bloated Agony and starts to crawl off ...

It tries to attack Orym and he fends it off TWICE ... third hits, though ... 22 points of slashing damage? Crap ...

It xan ONLY sense Orym? Hmmmm ... so the shit works, unless it's already engaged with them ...

FCG Compels it, but otherwise can't do much of anything until he can get to Chetney ...

Laudna Hexes the fucker! Yeah! Then she sends Pate in to attack ... but he can't make it either this round ... bugger ... 2 Eldritch Blasts, both hit! 14 and then 12 Damage! Nice!

Ashton Rages! Big ass rainbow charge! And he starts BARKING at it? That's wild ...

FIRE!!! Fearne tries to torch it ... oooh, damage maths ... 16! Nice! Mister goes too, poop shoot! Here we go ... bah, MISS!!! Nuts ...

"What about the power ... to move you?"

Wait ... what the fuck is THIS?!!! Something ELSE is coming? Is this about to get so much worse?

This changes Orym's plan somewhat ... flanking instead, slashes once, misses, Gain and HITS!!! Goading Attack! In the ARSE ... 16 points of damage and disadvantage against anyone else ...

Imogen LIGHTNING BOLTS the thing! Nice! Boom! 9 D6 of damage? Crazy ... 31 points of Lightning damage? Ouch ...

The Reiloran CRITS it ... 11 points of slashing damage ... Chetney: "Is that all? Eye flash and that's it?"

It attacks Orym ... miss ... then a HIT!!! Laudna casts Silvery Barbs! Nice save! Still hits a little, though ... crap ... it NEARLY BITES HIS ARM OFF?!!! Fuck, Matthew! Orym is REALLY HURT now ...

FCG gets as close as he can go Ofym and does a 3rd level Healing Word for 12 points ... that the best he can do right now ... and then all he can do is try and shoot it with the Bolt Thrower ... znd he MISSES!!! Travis: "Well at least you're consistent."

Laudna sends Pate to it and casts Shocking Grasp through him ... ZAP!!! Skittering? A great swarm of Stink Bugs? Infestation! Nice ... FCG: "It can't smell past the stink!" Yes, nice distraction!

Still Raging, Ashton Charles in, grabs Orym and carries him off ... stows him in a little hollow and then pops back up into the fight.

Fearne casts 3 Scorching Rays ... and NONE OF THEM HIT!!! Argh ... but at least Mister's "fiery turd gun" hits for 10 points of Fire damage.

Something big DROPS OUT OF THE SKY!!! Great ... boom ... and everybody gets blown back from the impact ...

Gigantic fucking demon frog beast ... like a FUCKING KAIJU ... its mouth glows from inside ... wait, there's a HOUSE inside this thing?

Whoa, giant beast face-off! Matt laments the fact he doesn't have a mini THIS BIG to put in and they immediately start ribbing him about it ...

Orym hacks and slashes, trying for another Goading Attack ... it works! Action Surge! Go tiny fighter!

Imogen tries to communicate with the giant frog ... oh, this thing might be friendly? Okay ... Imogen (out loud, to the group): "Take cover!"

Everybody who can just SCATTERS ... meanwhile the creature flees. Laudna tells Oare to build and he's very vocal about thinking her for the warning ...

The Mes are all swarming around the frog's head now ... it jumps on the lizard mole, squashes it, then just takes off with it and CHUCKS IT INTO THE OCEAN!!! Nice ...

Okay, the frog's back and SEEMS to be chill ... it opens its mouth ... and there REALLY IS like a kind of weird house inside this thing ... and there's somebody living inside it.

A galapa ... oh, a tortle? Cool ...

So this IS a friend of Keyleth's ... she's quite sweet, real. Hello Jirana. And the frog is Toriz. It's her home AND her friend, that's bizarrely adorable.

Fearne gives Toriz scritches. :3

Jirana IS aware of the major changes in the world. Oh, she's inviting them inside ... buy first douses Chetney with a bucketful of water for all the blood.

Bari Mondolo? So THAT'S what that thing was ...

The pixies are Dolabos? That's cute ...

The Cloud Jaws ... like a sky whale? Scary big thing ... and apparently IT IS dangerous, but only to airborne things. Okay, so not a MAJOR danger, then ...

The interior of the frog is surreal but also quite quaint and cosy.

Imogen uses Prestidigitation to clean them all off of the shit. Nice.

Jirana clearly collects stuff. Imogen gives her the Taste of Tal'dorei tankard. Awwww ... :3

She us an expert on grief and loss ... seems Keyleth sought her out? Oh yeah ... yeah, we know what THAT was about ...

There are 43 islands in the Shattered Teeth? Crazy ...

She's 400+ years old ... that's fucking crazy ...

Meanwhile there's some confusion over whether time passes different here or if she's just confused zbout that ...

Ashton reveals his Titan blood secret ...

Now asking about the Tree of Atrophy ...

Ooooooh ... Calamity fallout lore dump! Sweet ...

So you can just CHOOSE to become a tree ... okay ... wait ... is the Sun Tree like this? That would be interesting ...

Jirana: "The Tree is ... honest. Not everyone can handle this level of honesty." Hmmmm ...

So ... looking for a boat, then?

The islands REALLY DO move ... that's just GREAT ...

Oh my gods, I love the way Travis always completely loses it when Matt gives them a map. It's completely adorable every time. XD

Let Chetney repair a boat, guys. He's so stoked about this idea, just let him have this one.

Sam's flask is trying Matt's patience in the best way ... XD

Three big mountains ...

A "floater of danger"? Hmmmm ...

Yes, I agree, teleportation is NOT a smart idea right now. No, just TAKE A BOAT!!! Let Chetney mend a boat, guys ...

Ooh! Compass! Sweet ... the lost compass of the Dread Pirate Novos ... wait, is Matt SERIOUSLY evoking THE PRINCESS BRIDE right now?

A dark deal ... a GHOST SHIP?!!! Wait ... is this some U'kotoa shit?

There's a motorcycle outside, apparently ... Liam: "Grog's got gas." Travis (as Grog): "Sorry ..."

Chetney tries to get a read on the compass ... ooh, vision of a memory ... that's some crazy shit ... "Yep, it's a pirate ghost ship, and it'll be ... AWESOME."

Wow, they're actually seriously considering going for some kind of Davy Jones deal with the Dread Pirate ... O.O

TWO Titans died here ... Jirana has to look up their names ... Rau'shan and Ka'mort. Okay ...

Oooh, care package ... what kind of goodies are they getting? 2 reef moss balms, a bottle of slickshimmer oil, 2 brackish Potions (basically two greater healing potions) ... cool ... that's gonna be so helpful ...

FCG gives her fresh baked goods, and she's very appreciative.

Oh Letters, you're doing better at this than you think you are. Jirana does a really beautiful job of bucking him up ... apparently HE needs to talk to the tree too, and she's willing to help hom too if he ever makes it back this way ...

Man, this ancient tortoise woman is really something special ...

Chetney: "The wolf requires a high metabolism." Jirana: "THIS is for stamina." Wait ... did she just give him some homemade viagra? O.O

Fearne gives her salt and pepper shakers she got from the museum heist. Awwwww ...

She can TAKE THEM to the North Shore? Sweet ...

Oh yeah, clearly this us gonna be a serious wild ride ... I love that she's just a massive daredevil about this while the rest of them are deeply alarmed by the journey ...

Stepping out ... aha, the Shore is in sight. Here we go, then.

Ashton: "How do you grieve if you don't know what was taken from you?" Oh man ...

Jirana: "I am perpetually surrounded by broken things. They can always be mended in time."

Farewell to Jirana then, while the rest of them head to the shore. And that's it for tonight.

Yeah, Matt DID go all out on the Miyazaki vibe tonight, didn't he? I loved it ... :3

[lholland14]

Ten Things (Mapí León x Reader)

can I request a fic w/ mapi based on the movie 10 things I hate about you? with mapi as patrick and r as kat

The story of the legendary Jenni Hermoso and Christen Press.

Oh right.

Sorry.

The story of Mapi and Y/n, how they met, how they dated, broke up, got back together.

Y/n Press the star of Lyon, the prodigy fresh out of Harvard, the new legacy of the US.

Mapí León the most talented defender in Europe, the superstar of Barcelona, the visionary of Spain.

And because of their rivalry this prevented them from ever revealing their true feelings about each other.

But when a certain player makes a bet, well what could possibly go wrong.

------

"I like you." Confesses Jenni

"I'm sorry" Christen whirls around

"I like you." Jenni repeats more confidently.

Christen grins, making Jenni fall even more in love with her

"I like you too." Christen smiles, but it quickly turns into a frown "But I'm not dating right now."

Jenni mirrors Chris's frown "Why not?"

"Because I'm not allowed" Chris sighed and sat down "Ever since Tobin cheated on me my dad thought of this brilliant idea from not moving on too quick and getting hurt again. My sister Y/n has to be dating someone in order for me to date again"

"What if she starts dating again?"

"Then I'll start dating again." Christen grins, kissing Jenni Hermoso's very red cheek.

------

1. The way you talk to me

Mapí always talked to people with respect, with kindness. Win or lose she made an effort to talk to the opposition.

AHAHAHA no.

Mapí was the definition of cocky, arrogant, and sarcastic.

"Good game"

"You were awesome"

"Great job"

Those words were not apart of her vocabulary.

This made her one of the most hated and loved player of player in the league, much like Sam Kerr.

------

"Oh hey Y/n" Mapí smirked leaning on the doorway "What a coincidence"

"What do you want shrew" Y/n glared back

"I'm just looking around to see who's gonna finish second."

"Why don't you look in the mirror." Y/n replied slipping past Mapí's arm.

Mapí scoffed before turning around "See you on the pitch Y/l/n"

------

2. The way you drive my car.

Y/n prov

It's not that Mapí was a bad driver, she just, well. Okay maybe she's a bad driver.

She's just fast.

Really fast.

Like scary fast.

It's insane.

Most people would say I'm defending her, and I agree.

She's a terrible driver.

------

There is a certain stereotype that women are bad at driving, I never believed it. Not until I let Mapí León drive my car.

"Leo."  

"Hola." Mapi greeted me

"Ready to vamoose?" I grinned swirling my car keys on my finger.

"Vamoose?" Mapi laughed at Y/n's antics and got into the car.

When Mapí laughed I swore my heart skipped a beat.

I briefly considered asking out Mapí, but like the past hundred times chickened out.

"Umm, what happened?"

"Amiga, we're not in Spain anymore, the steering wheel is on the left side. Remember?"

Mapí stared at Y/n before cracking a small grin at her, "Guess I'm driving then."

------

I hate Mapí León.

I'm gonna kill her when, and if, I get out of this car alive.

The first thing she did was crash into a trash can, and another, and another.

"Are you aiming for them?" I looked at her indignantly.

"What?" She looked back at me, confused before narrowly missing a lampost and instead ran into a stop sign.

I decided not to say anything, and instead just talked like a sailer for a couple of minutes in my head.

After two police cars, an ambulance, five more trash cans and a tree incident we got home.

When we did she had a lovely idea of almost breaking down my drive way.

Yay me.

------

3. I hate it when you stare.

The second Mapí and Y/n's eyes met, the fans started a ship war. Maybe because they looked hot together, maybe because they were always next to each other, either insulting or flirting.

Mapí did not help the ship war by always staring at Y/n.

And it certainly didn't help when Y/n transferred to Barca.

Whether it was at training, during games, or even at a team dinner.

This not only caused her teammates to question her, but the media as well.

------

"The next question is for you Y/n." A reporter stated "What is the relationship between you and Mapí León?"

"Oh, uh we're just friends I guess." Y/n replied awkwardly hoping the cameras couldn't pick up on her blushing.

Too bad the cameras picked up on Mapí's. And her stare

"What do you think about the ship war the fans have started on social media?" Another reporter shouted out.

"It's cool that fans think we're dating, but we aren't." Mapí answered, wanting to reply with an "I wish" or an "Unfortunately."

But she didn't, she couldn't. Because Y/n hated her and she hated her.

After the questions Y/n went back to staring into nothing while Mapí stared at her everything. Otherwise known as Y/n Y/l/n

------

"I have a bet." Jenni announced.

"Wait." Alexia puts up her hand "I'm not drunk enough to hear this."

"Chill cap. It's not about you." Jenni rolled her eyes before producing a wicked smile "Its about Mapí."

------

4. And the way you read my mind.

Mapí, swinging a bag full of junk food turned the corner to find a sight that used to excite her. Now is only angered her.

"Y/n?" She squinted at a misshapen blob in a dark corner. The groceries long forgotten on the ground.

"What do you want Mapí?" Snapped a voice that most defiantly belonged to the small Press.

Mapí sucked on her cheek before giving a Cheshire Cat smile "I have food"

"Leave me alone." Y/n replied bitterly. After a second Y/n looked up from the ground "Do you have Oroes?"

"Duh. Of course of got them, they're our favourite." Mapí handed a blue package to the red-eyed girl who gladly took them.

"What's wrong?" Mapí sat down next to the sniffling girl, obviously concerned.

"Its nothing," But when Y/n tried to get up Mapí grabbed her hand to pull her right back down to hug her.

No one knows how long they stayed their, but it didn't matter because at that moment Mapí knew she was in love with the very same girl she hated. Y/n Y/l/n.

"I'm here for you," Mapí whispered "Whatever you need"

Y/n sallowed before answering, "What if all I need is you?"

Mapí paused, "Then I'll be here." She whispered back

Y/n never told Mapí what upset her, but ever since then Mapí has always known exactly what to do for Y/n. No matter what mood she was in.

And since that day Mapí has never left the house without Oreos

------

5. I hate the way you're always right.  

"No."

"Yes."

"Never."

"Why not?" Mapí asked her, frustrated.

"Because we are adults," Y/n answered, the muttered "At least one of us are."

"But it'll be fun," Mapí whined and frowned when Y/n shook her head.

Mapí sat down annoyed.

"You can read right?" Y/n raised her eyebrow in amusement.

"Yes." Mapí looked up at her "Duh."

"Just checking," Y/n looked back at the sign "Because it says 'ages 5 to 12'"

"So, It's a caterpillar!"

No response except for an 'I'm not impressed face'

"It's a giant caterpillar!" Mapí emphasized.

"You want us, 23 year old adults" Y/n gestured at the two of them "And you want us to ride a giant caterpillar for kids, around fruit."

"Yes!" Mapí replied giddily.

Y/n groaned, but gave in to Mapí's puppy eyes.

------

"Why?"

"I don't like to do what people expect. Why should I live up to their expectations instead of my own?" Mapí airily replied.

"Besides, you had fun." Mapí sung jabbing her finger into her kinda allie's arm.

"Okay. You're right, I had fun." Y/n speed walked away after her confession.

------

"What about me?" Mapí looked up from her food.

"I have a bet."

"Go on."

"It involves Y/n Y/l/n." Jenni started "If you can get her to dating you I'll pay you 100 dollars, and even more if she falls in love with you."

Mapí grinned .

"Deal."

------

6. I hate it when you make me laugh

"Its just a fitness test" Mapí tried to reason.

"Yeah, and hell is just a sauna" Huffed Y/n.

Mapí laughed and ended the call before lying on her bed in what some might call a starfish pose.

After 15 minutes she suddenly sat up and grabbed her phone.

"Tell you what" She texted Y/n "If you survive I'll take you out."

"Like a date?"

"Sure"

"You're on"

After Y/n finished with her torture Mapí picked her up and drove her to-

"Paintball?" Y/n stared shocked at Mapí after reading the sign.

"Yup." Mapí popped the P and quickly got out of the car.

"You gotta be kidding me."

"Nope."

Y/n threw her head back and laughed before grabbing Mapí's hand and walking over to the maze.

------

Armed with paint Y/n stealthily braced herself with hay stacks in case intruders came, so she could have a shield of somewhat.

"Y/N..." Mapí sings and you swallow hard, tightly holding your gun.

Looking around the corner of the hay blocks Y/n saw Mapí with her back turned. Sensing opportunity she army crawled silently on the ground.

Y/n had already taken out a few of her opponents, cockily smirking when they'd turn around, searching for their shooter and only seeing the point of your gun.

"Come on Y/N..." Mapí says again, jumping up on a bench to survey the area. "I'll make it quick." She grins arming her gun.

The second she turns her back again, Y/n sticks her gun through the hay to make her move.

She clicks the trigger, resulting in bright neon splotch of paint smacking into Mapí's leg.

"MIERDA!" She yells, glancing around wildly trying to find whoever shot her.

"Where the hell are you?" She asks and Y/n grins to herself before standing up and running around waving her gun in celebration.

Mapí shakes her head.

"Are you kidding me?" She scoffs when Y/n finally finishes her terrible celebration.

She shrugs.

"It's called 'survival'." Y/n smirks and Mapí shakes her head as Y/n struts towards her teammates.

Due to whine of pain you stop and backtrack to Mapí.

"Come on." Y/n rolls her eyes and Mapí grins, before climbing onto her back.

"Why the leg." She mumbles and Y/n shakes her head as Mapí wraps her arms around her, well they weren't anything yet much to Mapí's dismay, neck.

"I came here to win. So, who's next?" Y/n grins maliciously and everyone who's around them eyes widen.

You smirk at them and walk away.

"Don't worry little lion, as long as you shoot me first you don't have anything to worry about"

------

You win the next round, hiding in a bush.

And the next one, this time in a tree.

And the next, on the roof.

Y/n jump down off the roof landing in a somersault, and stood in front of a pouting León. She mopes as the two of you make your way to the exist.

"What?" You say as you hold your hands up.

"Let's go home." Mapí pouts.

"Why?"

"I'll buy you Oreos."

"Deal" Y/n grins.

That day, Y/n learned Mapí hated losing and would do anything to win.

------

"Pay up Hermoso!" Mapí yelled, bursting through the doors.

"What?" Jenni, startled, looked up from her phone very confused.

"You said that if I can get Y/n to date me you'd pay me 100 dollars"

Jenni's mouth opened and closed as she processed this information "

You mean you actually did it?" Alexia said also very confused.

"Yup."

"Mapí, don't you think this will end up badly?" Patri stated concerned

"Nope" Mapí grinned, putting the money in her pocket "Now to just make her fall in love with me."

------

7. I hate it when you're not around

"It's been 4 months since you did the dare." Ona slowly started "Don't you think its time to stop?"

"Are you kidding me I'm just getting started" Mapí grinned.

"Breaking news" The TV host blared into his microphone "Y/n Press has moved Chelsea WFC! Here are-"

"Seriously!" Mapí threw down the remote. "Chelsea? Out of all the great clubs she chose Chelsea!

"Mariá León are you jealous?" Ona chuckled

"No" I muttered before leaving the room

"You're so gone León." Ona laughed while turning the TV back on "So gone."

------

Without Y/n days soon felt like years, but calls between the two star crossed lover felt like seconds.

Soon those calls consumed Mapí's thoughts, and all she wanted to do was hear Y/n's voice that she grew to love.

Even still those calls didn't satisfy Mapí, and she knew she had tot do something.

"I want to go to London" Mapí burst into her managers door.

"Like move?" Her manager asked, clearly confused

"What? No! Visit London, not move"

"You wanna see your novia don't you?" He teased as Mapí blushed shamefully.

"Maybe..."

"I'll arrange a flight."

"Gracias!" Mapí jumped on him, yelling with joy.

When her plane landed Mapí whirled through the security, got her bag and was in a taxi, not even Lauren Hemp could beat her time.

The second Y/n saw Mapí her eyes went wide and runs towards Mapí at full speed, practically jumping into Mapí's arms. Y/n hugs her tight and only breaks away to pull the Spanish defender into a kiss.

Their kisses were always soft. As if one was afraid to hurt the other, like Beauty and the Beast "Just a little change, small to say the least. Both a little scared, neither one prepared."

Y/n's hands softly pushed Mapí back against the table, as she tilted her head and kissed her vida.

"Tu eres mi vida." She whispered against Y/N's lips before planting her lips on Y/N's once more.

Once they let go Mapí grinned and hugged Y/n again

"I brought Oreos."

"I think I love you."

"You think." Mapí teased, breaking away.

Y/n giggled, making Mapí's heart flutter at the sound

"I know I love you."

------

"So now that Y/n and Mapí are dating, will you go out with me?" Jenni asked Christen

"Why not?" Christen chuckled and grinned at her lover.

"Are you scared of the water?"

"No?" Chris replied, now a bit apprehensive in her dating choices

"Good" Jenni grabbed Christen's hand and pulled her up from the bench

"Lets go sailing."

------

8. And the fact you didn't call

"Where's Y/n?" Lieke asked, looking around.

"I don't know." Aitana replied half-heartedly, more interested in the sandwich she was about to take a bite of.

“She left” Jenni told her Dutch teammate.

“Mapí?” Like turned to her friend

“She’s gone.” Mapí told Lieke dejectedly 

“What?” Like shrieked and banged the table, startling Aitana. Resulting in her losing her sandwich to the floor.

“Why didn't she tell us” Jana spoke up.

“Because she wasn't able to eat.” Aitana told Jana, exaggerated.

Lieke rolled her eyes and left the room.

The whole time Andrea sat silent, knowing exactly what happened. Because she told Y/n what happened. 

She told her everything.

------

9. Even worse when you make me cry.

"So I was a bet." Y/n stared into Mapí's eyes.

"Yes" Mapí couldn't meet Y/n's eyes.

Y/n didn't say anything for a minute, Mapí wanted Y/n to say something, yell, scream anything.

Nothing.

Finally Y/n took her hand and slapped Mapí. Hard.

And with that Y/n left.

The next day Mapí learned Y/n moved to Houston Dash in the US.

The next day Y/n blocked Mapís number.

The next day Mapí never heard from Y/n again.

And she was determined to change that.

------

10. I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Apologizing?" Mapí weakly pointed out.

Y/n sighed and closed her eyes "Make it quick, I have a game to get to."

"I screwed up. It's not every day you find a girl who'll own you at paintball, go on a giant caterpillar and is obsessed with Oreos." Mapí held up a giant box of Oreos, with a small smile. "Some A-hole dared me to date this amazing girl."

"Really?" Y/n smiled back, taking the box.

"Yeah" Mapí shoved her hands in her pockets "But the thing is, I fell for her"

Y/n grinned widely, before grabbing Mapí's hand and pulling her in.

It was soft, but a different kind of soft. This time they weren't scared, nor unprepared. They were as "Certain as the sun rising in the East."

"You can't buy me a pack of Oreos every time you screw up you know." Y/n finally said.

"True." Mapí tilted her head "There's carrot cake flavour, lemon, chocolate or, hey, maybe even birthday cake on your birthday."

Y/n shook her head in amazement before pulling Mapí back into a kiss.

[mousieorshrew]

What is your name? “Hunter Summers, but hopefully one day soon I’ll be a Wells.”

Do you know why you were named that? “My parents liked the name, it was that or Luke, I think.”

Single or taken? A grin splits across their features; “Taken! And happily so, he’s my.. everything.”

Stop being a mary sue! “I’’m not a mary sue, I’m not all that interesting, really.”

What’s your eye colour? “Green, but Sam tells me there are flecks of yellow and brown, I never knew that before.”

How about hair colour? “I guess you’d call it mousey brown? But it has a little red in it too. I’d love it to be pink, but I’m too scared if I bleach it that it’ll all fall out.”

Have you any family members? A momentary pause before they nod and open their mouth to answer; “I have an auntie and lots of foster cousins, my brother Matty, uncle Bray and Joel, and there’s Theo and Donnie too, now. Oh! Marty is technically Sam’s brother, and we aren’t married yet but, I love him a lot, too.”

Oh, how about pets? “We used to have a chicken called Clara -- well, she lived where Sam used to live, but now we’re looking to get ferrets or frogs!” There’s a stream of rambling for a moment as they gush over wild creatures and how many they’d like to own, before a soft blush catches their cheeks and they apologise.

Now tell me something you don’t like. “My parents.” It comes out stiff, and their eyes drop away, brows dropping into a frown.

Do you have any activities / hobbies that you like to do? “I’m an actor, I love theatre, and singing! Sometimes I can sit for hours and read over playscripts, or sometimes I paint, but I don’t think i'm very good at that.”

Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before? The frown is back again, and Hunter looks uncomfortable before they answer. “Yeah, I hurt my parents a lot. I don’t like hurting people, but sometimes you -- have to, y'know?”

Ever...killed anyone before? “No! God-- Go, no.”

What kind of animal are you ? “I always thought it would be nice to be a bird, just pick up and fly away. But Sam say’s I’m like a mouse or a shrew. Guess it’s because he wishes he could put me in his pocket and take me everywhere.”

Name your worst weaknesses Hunter narrows their eyes for a moment, tucking a long strand of hair behind their ear. “Why would you want to know that? Uhm, I’m not very good at handling strong personalities.”

Do you look up to anyone at all? “Joel. I wish I could be half as strong as him. He means an awful lot to me, if I could just be a little more like him I’d be so proud.”

Are you straight, gay or bisexual? “I’ve never given it much thought -- honestly! I don't think I could look at anyone else at the moment.” A hand squeezes at the small heart shaped glass around their neck, hollow and filled with crimson.

Do you go to school? “I go to college, hoping to graduate with an acting degree. Wish me luck!”

Ever want to marry and have kids one day? “Oh, I’d love that. I really would. The thought of three or four little toads running around, I’d love to be a mom.” Their lips quirk down in sadness. “I don’t think that will happen though, unfortunately.”

Do you have fangirls/fanboys? “My biggest fanboy is Sam, he’s always taking photos. That’s how we met!”

What are you most afraid of? “I don't like to think about that.” Hunter has lost enough people they care about, they could barely even consider losing Sam without making themselves sick.

What do you usually wear? “I never take off my denim vest, it’s covered in patches and badges now, and I guess I keep things pretty casual. I like to think I’m trendy, but Donnie says that everyone thinks they have style, and not many people do.”

What’s one food that tempts you? “Dessert. I have such a sweet tooth, I can’t stay away from ice cream or baked goods. Ohhh, I didn’t even think about sour patch kids.”

Am i annoying you? “No! Not at all!”

Well, it’s not over! A quick nod and a cheery smile.

What class are you? (Low class, middle class, high class?) “I’m not sure, I guess middle? Maybe low now, money isn’t so good.”

How many friends do you have? “I’m blessed to have just the right amount of good friends.”

What are your thoughts on pie? “Well, there’s pecan and pumpkin, or apple, cherry, key lime, oh and--” The tangent continues for a while, accompanied by dreamy eyes and content sighs.

Favourite drink? “Call me stereotypical, but I love sweet tea.”

What’s your favourite place? “My picnic spot, underneath the oak tree, surrounded by pretty flowers and wild grass, quiet and peaceful. Always sunny.”

Are you interested in anyone? “Sam.” Without a moments hesitation.

That was a stupid question… “Oh, I don’t think so!”

Would you rather swim in a lake or an ocean? “I don’t mind either, but I don’t swim very much anymore, Sam doesn’t like deep water, so we sit on the shore and eat sandwiches.”

What’s your type? “Dark hair, big dreamy eyes, quiet and patient. I like someone with soul, with passion, someone who likes cuddles and watching documentaries. Like my toad.”

Any fetishes? Their face flushes red, like a tomato, and they cover it with their hands, letting out a squeak. “Don’t ask me that!”

Seme or uke? “Ohh, sorry, I don’t watch anime!”

Camping or indoors? “I like both! With the right company, anything is fun.”

Who asked me to interview you? “Theo! He said I liked things like this. Not to sound pigheaded but, I think everyone likes talking about themselves a little. It’s nice to have such a good listener!” ( @gghoulish )

Who would you like to send me to? @summerslashermovie

[falke-scribblings]

It’s Harvest time again! Callie, Sam and Jules have finally made it out to the Hopps farm for the celebration.

Fall on a working farm was more intense than Callie had expected. In a good way.

She knew from the moment they'd stepped off the train, and the chill snap to the air had wrapped around her snout and stayed there. The sun was still sinking in the evening sky, touching off golden motion like fire in the dancing broadleaf trees that lined one edge of the big farmhouse plot, but there was no warmth to its thin light. She was glad for her sweater.

The wind was in their muzzles as they came up the hard-packed dirt drive. Callie caught whirls of chatter and the shrieking laughter of kits from behind the big house, and the scent of wood smoke and something rich baking in an oven.

"That has to be pumpkin pie," Sam said, from her customary place between them. Now she was so eager she was nearly skipping. "I told you we'd get here in time."

"They way Judy told it, there isn't really a dinnertime," Callie said. They came around the edge of the house, and the scope of the festivities spread out in front of them like a postcard. "There's way too many mammals here for that."

This couldn't be all Hopps rabbits - not that there weren't an intimidating number of long ears out there, gathered in front of the facing doors of open barns and scattered around the huge backyard. Callie saw badgers, too, and possums; marmots and shrews and mice. There were goats, and a hedgehog, and a pair of old, graying wolves. She even saw another fox, a red fox in a big white apron, holding court over excited kits at one end of the patio and pulling a pie out of a stone hearth.

"How big is her family again?" Jules asked. She put an absent paw forward to stop Sam from rushing out into it right away.

[asdamagicbiscuits]

Theatre Highlights 2019

My Top 11 Theatre Highlights and Moments of 2019 (in no particular order other than roughly chronological.)

Let's get stuck in!

Panto at the Palladium

So my first theatre trip of the year saw me head off to Panto land at the Palladium to see Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It was great to see Danielle Hope on stage again and she was the perfect Snow White. Massive shoutout to Simeon Dyer who was ace as one of the Dwarfs in the show, it’s not everyday you get to see your pal on stage in their West End Debut, he did a brilliant job. The Palladium always delivers fantastic Pantos and I’m excited to see what their next one is!

Book Of Mormon

So Book Of Mormon was again one of those shows I wasn’t rushing to see, that is until Luke George went into the company. I had heard a lot of things about it and I was worried as I had been told if you get easily offended that I wouldn’t like it. I saw it and loved it. It was nuts and very tongue in cheek humour. Turn It Off is one of my favourite numbers in the show, the company are fantastic in it! Tom Xander as Elder Cunningham is pure magic. No other way I can describe his performance. He’s so cheeky and mischievous, the PERFECT Cunningham. Paired with Dom Simpson as Elder Price they are a dream team. You and Me (but mostly me) is such a joy to watch. It was also so lovely to watch Luke and see him on stage again. He is as brilliant as ever!! The Book of Mormon is playing at the Prince of Wales Theatre in London’s West End and it’s also on tour too!!!

Cursed Child - Year Three

I think I said this in last years post but Cursed Child combines two of my biggest loves Harry Potter and Theatre. The Year Three company were exceptional and I saw a huge array of covers. Martin Johnson, Danny Dalton, April Hughes, Jordan Bamford, Leah Haile and Susan Lawson Reynolds. I can remember all the shows when I got to see them and the little details of their performances. Also as #KeepTheSecrets is over I’m gonna talk about April as Delphi. I ADORE April as Delphi. Like hands down my favourite interpretation of the role. Delphi is so sweet and then BAMN. That switch is flicked and her true intentions come out but even then April brought such a warmth to her that I found myself really sympathising with Delphi. She’s just a very misunderstood character and I just wanted to give her a hug. On the other side April’s interpretation of Myrtle is ICONIC!!! That giggle she does in the moment after Scorpius ask if everything’s going to be okay? And Albus replies going of course it is. Pure brilliance!! Also I have to mention the fact I FINALLY got to see James McGregor as Draco. It happened gang. I don’t know how I managed to get to see him three times, still blows my mind as I was worried I wouldn’t get to see him once but I did. It actually happened. ‘Twas beyond brilliant in every sense of the word and well worth the wait, exceptional performances!

Shitfaced Shakespeare

Another fantastic season for those boozey Bard loving beans! The Taming of the Shrew and Hamlet in London and Midsummer Nights Dream on tour. It’s always a joy to see them perform on stage. For those of you who read last years Highlights I can confirm that I broke the curse. I got to see Saul Marron Compère THREE times!!! He also was the drinker for the show of Midsummer I saw in my hometown on the tour. It was lovely to revisit my first show I saw them do, plenty of laughs and so much fun! Bring on next season for more Shakespeare, laughs and most importantly - booze! 😜 haha

Venice Preserved/The Provoked Wife

Now my theatre highlights wouldn’t be complete without me seeing a show Natalie Dew was in. This year I got to see her in Venice Preserved and The Provoked Wife both at the RSC in Shakespeare land (Stratford Upon Avon). Both shows were absolutely fantastic and I gotta mention Sarah Twombly who really stood out in The Provoked Wife as Mademoiselle, stunning performance! I adored Venice Preserved so much I saw it twice! It was gritty, edgy and the whole production value was fantastic! It was also so good to see Nat in such a different role, it’s not everyday you get to see your stagey fav play a dominatrix. She was so badass, strong and the moment at the end of the play with the look the gave another character, I’m getting chills just thinking about it. Perfection!

Edinburgh Fringe

Each year my trip to Ed Fringe just gets better and better and this year was no different. I managed two trips this year and saw a whole host of different shows which were all incredible and I got meet some lovely people, both leafleting and chatting to a few of the actors before the show. I’ll leave a link to my Ed Fringe post so if anyone wants to check out what I saw give it a read - here. Massive shoutout to the Bodily Functions gang as they were super lovely, Friendsical cast, David Colvin was so lovely too, the Shitfaced Shakespeare and Showtime lot. I could go on. But I’m buzzing to see what Ed Fringe 2020 will bring!

The Indian Queen

When in France, go to the Opera? So this still links with theatre but I want to talk about Pierrefonds, it’s my blog so I can do what I want 😜. Firstly BIG shoutout to my friend Sej, the only person mad enough to agree to go to France with me to visit a castle and to see an Opera. So firstly Pierrefonds. I still can’t believe I got to visit the castle where they filmed Merlin. It’s been on my Bucket list for many years now so thrilled I finally got to tick it off. It’s a gorgeous place in the cutest little village ever, genuinely would move there if there was more theatre. 100% will be going back again and would recommend to anyone about going. I had a great time! The other part of my trip saw me go and watch my very first Opera, The Indian Queen! The Opera House in Lille is stunning, so so beautiful. Now I can’t comment on what happened at the beginning as I was raging at the subtitles being in French, it wasn’t until it was 10/15 minutes in that I realised it was all sung and spoken in English. (yep. I am that dumb and yes it took me that long 🙈) I loved how they had the screens move around in the background with the opera on. It had been prefilmed and all the actors were in costume whereas the actors were all in blacks performing it in front of the screens live. As a first venture into the world of Opera, wasn’t what I was expecting at all but I really loved it. It was also so great to see James McGregor on stage again too!! He’s very good!!

Fiddler On The Roof

Wow. Just wow. I was completely blown away by Fiddler On The Roof, the set was gorgeous and how the company went through the auditorium felt so natural. You really felt like you were in Anatevka and part of the community. The whole company were phenomenal!! Andy Nyman as Tevye delivered one of the best performances I have ever seen from any West End Lead. His vocals and comic timing were on point!!! Maria Friedman as Golde played really well opposite Andy’s Tevye, they are a formidable duo. I’m so happy I was able to see them on together. Molly Osbourne as Tzietel and Joshua Gannon as Motel really stood out, stunning performances. Hands down the best show I saw this year without a doubt and I wish I could go back in time and relive it!!

Mary Poppins

Now Mary Poppins is so very dear to me. The movie is an absolute classic, a timeless piece but I had never seen it live on stage before. I had my tickets booked since January when they went on sale and it did not disappoint when I finally got to see it in November. Charlie Stemp was a brilliantly charming Bert and Zizi Strallen was, excuse the pun, ‘Practically Perfect in every way’ as Mary. I sobbed my way through the show and when Zizi flew up over the audience at the end of the show I was in bits. The best way I can describe it is when you love something so much and your just full of nostalgia and emotion and that’s how it came out. Step In Time, Feed The Birds And Practically Perfect were all highlights for me. I have so much love for the whole company for delivering a phenomenal show and I can’t WAIT to return to Cherry Tree Lane once again next year. Although hopefully I will be able to get through the show without crying next time. Haha. Mary Poppins is currently playing at The Prince Edward Theatre in London’s West End.

Dear Evan Hansen

Now I had to be the only person in theatreland who wasn’t rushing to get tickets or proper hyped for it. It was one of those shows for me which I was like - I’ll see it eventually but I’ll let the rush of people pass and I’ll go when it’s all died down. Then the cast got announced and I was okay. I need to see it and I need to see it in previews as I need to see Rupert Young on stage again. Thankfully one of my best friends Johanna was desperate to see it when she was over in November and she managed to sort us tickets. (Thanks Chummy. You’re the best. Love you) It generally was such a phenomenal experience, the audience was so quiet and the only sounds you could hear were the quiet sniffs of people crying. You could hear a pin drop and I don’t believe I will ever experience anything like that ever again. That’s great Anne but why has it made it into your highlights? Don’t worry. I’m getting to that gang 😜 haha. The whole cast were phenomenal. Sam Tutty was flawless as Evan, I connected immediately with him. I was sold and invested from the beginning. The fact there is only 8 people on stage for the whole show blows my mind. Like WHAT?! Outstanding performances from all. In particular Mr Rupert Young as Larry. Now the only thing I knew about the show was that You Will Be Found closes the first act. That’s all I knew, didn’t read up on it or listen to the soundtrack before hand. I went in completely blind! Now You Will Be Found starts and I can hear people crying and I’m sat there thinking. This is great. I haven’t cried at this. Brilliant. The thing which broke me and had me sobbing was when Rupert Young broke down and cried during You Will Be Found. That is what got me and I can relate so much to it. How I view it is that Larry has delayed grief and that happened to me personally so it really struck a chord with me. I’m basically a convert and this is a piece of theatre everyone needs to see and I can see it running for a very long time in London. Dear Evan Hansen is playing at the Noel Coward Theatre in London’s West End and if you haven’t already, GO BUY A TICKET!!

Rage But Hope

I was very lucky to be able to catch this show at Ed Fringe this year so I was thrilled I was able to make it in to see it again during its London run in November. I stand by everything I said before and it was fantastic to see the development of the piece, which is a current and important issue we all should focus on. The whole company delivers stunning performances and I adored the addition of Matt’s characters monologue. I felt it tied together what he said in a conversation with James earlier in the piece and it gave much more depth to his character. The Layla’s List monologue remained one of my favourite moments in the play and goes to show the importance younger generations have and that they are far wiser than their years suggest so not to under estimate them. Let’s preserve this world for many more generations to come. The writing is stunning and hats off to Stephanie Martin for an incredibly well written play. The scene at the end of the play was new for the London run and I felt it really hammered home the message. Tell the truth. Act Now!

So that pretty much wraps up 2019’s Theatre and what a year it was.

2020 - a New Year, a New Decade and I can confirm a lot more Theatre adventures.

Thanks for reading, make sure to come back next year for my 8th Theatre Highlights (that is MAD!!) to find out what I got up to!

Until next time, cheerio!

[tanoraqui]

I love literally any framing device. I love reminders that the story I’m reading/watching/hearing is a story that is being told, in the universe in which it happened or in another. I love the sense that these characters, these events, are remembered, and retold. Did you know that “legend” is the root of the gerundive conjugation of the Latin verb “legere”, so that a literal translation is “[that which] should/must be read”? I love the narrator of Just So stories, and Christopher Sly in The Taming of the Shrew, and the fact that the entire comic Girl Genius is canonically historical fiction written by two very minor characters, decades after the events of the story. I was very young when I first read Sam and Frodo huddling on the burning slope of Mount Doom and talking about how they would one day be spoken of at homey firesides as “Nine-Fingered Frodo and the Ring of Doom”, another mighty chapter in the great tale going back to the Beren and Luthien and the Silmarils, and Feanor and the Trees, and the creation of Arda itself - read it in a copy, you know, of Professor Tolkien’s translation of a leatherbound book he found in a barn in the country one day, in which the original author had inscribed the tale (so-called) of the Downfall of the Lord of the Rings, and the Return of the King (as seen by the Little People, being the memoirs of Bilbo and Frodo of the Shire, supplemented by the accounts of their friends and the learning of the Wise. Together with extracts from Books of Lore translated by Bilbo in Rivendell.) 

Telling stories is like 80% of how people communicate!! Tell me about your day! Did you hear that Janet from Accounting is sleeping with Brad from Marketing! I have so much homework; here’s twenty pictures of my dog; I got into a car accident on my vacation, let me tell you about my experiences, because they are worth remembering and retelling.

Fuck! Me! Up!

[mst3kproject]

Babes in Toyland

This review represents a fairly important milestone for me – back in January I decided to start doing Episodes that Never Were on a schedule, and I've kept it up for a whole year!  I'm hoping I can continue in 2018, since there are a lot of bad movies in the world and it would make me giddy if a few Episodes that Never Were became Episodes that Actually Are.  The closest I've come so far is Reptilicus and its curious accident of timing.

Anyway, it just wouldn't be the holidays on the Satellite of Love without a messed-up acid trip of a Christmas movie.  This is one a lot of people my age remember being traumatized by as children, and is probably the only time you're ever going to see Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, or Pat Morita on this blog.  Reeves frantically driving a pink bumper car with flowers on it is a sight not soon forgotten, I assure you.

Our heroine Lisa is eleven years old and wants a blender for Christmas, although a sled will do as a consolation prize. She and her sister get in a car accident in the middle of a musical number on their way home, and Lisa hits her head and wakes up not in the ER, but in a magical land of balloon trees and furries.  This is populated, Wizard-of-Oz, style by fairy-tale characters played by the same actors as people in her real life.  Lisa arrives just as the beautiful Mary Q. Contrary is about to be forced to marry evil Mr. Barnaby instead of her true love, Jack B. Nimble.  Obviously only Lisa, with help from Georgie Porgie and the Toymaster, can defeat Barnaby and save the day – but first she has to learn to believe in toys!

This is the kind of movie that actually makes you cringe watching it.  I spent most of it wanting to cover my face so I wouldn't have to see the actors embarrassing themselves.  Everybody came across kind of stagey and uncomfortable in their roles as ordinary people in the real world, and it gets ten times worse when they're dressed up as nursery rhymes.  Every single person looks like they're wondering how they got here and trying to remember how much they're getting paid for this.  The dialogue is bland and obvious, and the characters over-emote at the same time as they have no conviction whatsoever.

I'm even embarrassed for the prop and costume people.  Toyland probably isn't supposed to look real – that would defeat the point – but it shouldn't look like plywood.  And then there's the people in the animal costumes with the immobile faces and empty eyes and visible joins between the head and shoulders.  I've seen better costumes at ComiCon and some of those were in diapers.  Are the silent teddy bear cops supposed to be intimidating?  Because they're less scary than the donut cops from Wreck-It Ralph. Barnaby's army of trolls look like a cross between the Blood Beast and the Killer Shrews.

A large portion of the budget seems to have gone into creating or buying the wonderful wooden toys that fill the ToyMaster's workshop. A few of these are actual works of art, designed to turn the heat rising from a candle into whirling motion.  Too bad they're only onscreen for a few seconds before we move on to half-assed stuffed animals and creepy-eyed tin soldiers.  These impressive toys are way too good for Babes in Toyland, as is Pat Morita as the ToyMaster – I suspect he agreed to be in this movie only on condition of being allowed to hide behind that fake beard.  His helpers are supposed to be elves, I think, played by children who are also wearing fake beards.  This is distressing in ways I cannot quite describe.

The jokes are so terrible that I'm not sure some of them are meant to be jokes.  Lisa tells the Toylanders about Cincinnati and pretends its a magical kingdom ruled by King Pete Rose... is that supposed to be funny?  Georgie Porgie complains that he wasn't cut out to be a hero and Jack says, “they could cut three heroes out of you, old buddy!”  Is that a compliment or a fat joke?  I think Barnaby's bowling ball-shaped house, which he rolls down the street to knock people over whenever he has a tantrum, is a joke, but it's kind of a setup without a punchline.  There's a sequence in which Mother Hubbard is introducing her children and she can't remember the last one's name.  That's not funny, that's horrifying!

I can't even bring myself to write about the musical numbers. Anybody who has a hard time with secondhand embarrassment really shouldn't watch this movie.

The plot of Babes in Toyland is a list of tropes, but this is entirely appropriate for the type of story we're being told.  Barnaby is evil for the sake of being evil, Justice Grimm allows himself to be tricked and locked up in his own jail cell, and various characters show up to reference their fairy tales and then wander off again.  It should work because it's exactly what we expect, but instead of feeling natural, there's a sense of obligation about it. “Yes, we're Jack and Jill.  We have to fall down this stupid hill, so we might as well get on with it.”  The characters never appear comfortable with these situations, so the cliches become awkward instead of seeming like the natural order of the story's universe.

(One of the rules is that, as Mary explains to Lisa, it is always daylight in Toyland.  We're never told when anybody sleeps, although we do see a couple of beds.  We also see a sun, meaning that to have eternal daytime Toyland's planet must be tidally locked.  There ought to be howling winds as the warm air on the day side rises and sucks in cold air from the night side, which would be a frozen wilderness of perpetual night.  But only a nerd would worry about something like that.)

Toyland's tropes are based around characters and situations from Lisa's life in Cincinnati – Mary, for example, is her older sister, who is subject to sexual harrassment by her greedy boss, the tyrant of the toy store where she works.  One would therefore expect that the situations Lisa encounters in Toyland would teach her to deal with what's going on in reality, like how Chihiro learns courage and confidence through her experiences at Yubaba's bathhouse.  In Babes in Toyland, however, it's the other way around.  Lisa has already convinced her sister to tell off her boss and leave the toy store, and it's this she applies to Toyland in stopping the wedding of Mary and Barnaby.  Lisa already enjoys fun things, as evidenced by her happiness at the gift of the sled, and already believes in true love, as her first major act in Toyland is intervening in the wedding.  The lessons the plot is set up to teach her are ones she does not need to learn.

The other characters likewise seem to have their arcs done for them.  Mary insists that she will rescue Jack herself, saying “it's time I did something besides cry!”  We have literally never seen Mary crying – in fact, the only time she's come across as a weeping damsel was at the wedding, and there she thought she was doing what was best for her family.  Georgie is supposed to be a coward who wants to be a hero, and yet he keeps doing brave things from the start.  And what's with the subplot in which Lisa matchmakes between Barnaby and Mrs. Hubbard?  Does she want her mom to marry the creepy toy store owner?  Eww.

Besides the wooden toys, there are a couple of other things in the movie that do work.  Barnaby has three main minions – two of them, called Zak and Mak, are basically the porcupine guys from Highlander 2 (not that I've seen Highlander 2 or anything), and the third is a bird named Trolla.  This beast is played by a little person in some kind of unconvincing shaggy pterodactyl costume, but it does have a single large eye that Barnaby uses as a crystal ball to watch what other characters are doing and stay one step ahead of them.  For some reason, the eye is really quite disturbing and its image tends to stay with you – YouTube comments suggest that it's the thing a lot of people remember best about the movie.  The worst part, however, is that when the ToyMaster wants to subdue Trolla he does so by painting over its eye.  Oh god that must sting!

Then there's the Bottle of Evil.  When Barnaby uncorks it, a green mist comes out to envelop the characters.  It's not a great effect and you don't believe in it any more than you believe in anything else in the movie, but it's a scary idea and realized just well enough to make you worry.  Then they defeat it by singing a song about Cincinnati.  No, really, that happens.  It doesn't come across like a great moral victory, it's just a giant what the fuck. How do the other characters even know the song?

The idea of being knocked out and awakening in a magical land or another time is a very common trope in itself, going back at least as far as A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, written in 1889.  I know we're not supposed to worry about it, but when watching or reading such stories I always wonder what's going on in the 'real world'.  One of the things I really liked about Life on Mars was how the storytellers actually devoted time and thought to the fact that Sam is in an ICU hallucinating all this, and things in that outside world can affect the world he's imagining.  We don't get anything like that for Lisa.  At the end she just wakes up on the sofa and everybody's glad she's okay.  Why is nobody calling an ambulance?!  A loss of consciousness of more than a few seconds is a medical emergency!  Call a doctor, for heaven's sake, concussions do not make for a very merry Christmas!

The thing I'm maddest about, though?  Is that Barnaby wasn't defeated by getting crushed by his own bowling ball.  I waited the whole damn movie for that.  How dare it disappoint me!

[rabiesram]

hiii sam

[km-theatre]

Cast & Creatives The Ladykillers

NEW WOLSEY THEATRE IPSWICH SUFFOLK  UK 15 SEP 2017

Friday 15 September 2017

Ann Penfold — Mrs Wilberforce

Theatre credits include: The Taming of the Shrew (RSC),Brighton Till I Die(Brighton),, Revenger's Tragedy, Deep Blue Sea,(West Yorkshire Playhouse)Saturday Sunday Monday (National Theatre/West End)  The Wars of the Roses(English Shakespeare Company, world tour and Old Vic) Design for Living (Peter Hall Company,) The Winslow Boy,(Guildford and tour) The Contractor (Oxford Stage company tour) Forty Years On (Scarborough)The Glass Menagerie,(Greenwich), In Celebration,(Chichester.) Duet for One (Edinburgh, Lyceum)

At the Wolsey Theatre: The Winter's Tale; Hamlet; Romeo and Juliet; Mrs Warren's Profession; Perfect Days.

And at Salisbury Playhouse: For Services Rendered ( and at the Old Vic), and The Lady in the Van.

Television credits include: Tripped (Mammoth Screen), Doctors, Casualty, Sea of Souls, Dangerfield, No Place Like Home, Mrs Pym’s Day Out, Cranford, Villette, There is Also Tomorrow (BBC), The Bill, The Vice, Coronation Street, The Brontes of Haworth, The Ruth Rendell Mysteries (ITV) A Wing and a Prayer, Family Affairs (Ch5)

Film credits include: Keeping Rosy, Winter Sunlight, Family Life.

Steven Elliot — Professor Marcus

Theatre Credits Include: Frankenstein, The Winter’s Tale. (Royal National Theatre) Titus Andronicus, Julius Caesar, Revenger’s Tragedy, Henry V, Twelfth Night, Pentecost, The Bite of the Night, The Jew of Malta, Measure For Measure (Royal Shakespeare Company) The Devil Inside Him (National Theatre Wales) Dancing at Lughnasa (Abbey, Dublin) King Lear (Almeida, London) True West (Glasgow Citz) Arcadia (Bristol Old Vic) Frank, in Educating Rita (Oldham Coliseum) Dumb Show, Inherit the Wind (New Vic Theatre) The Weir (Sherman, Cardiff) Amadeus, Hamlet, And Then There Were None, Jane Austen’s ‘Emma’ (Salisbury Playhouse) Macbeth, Two Princes, A Chorus of Disapproval, Arcadia, Troilus and Cressida, Measure for Measure, The Suicide, Noises Off, Jumpy, Cyrano de Bergerac (Theatr Clwyd)  Steven recently played the role of George Ring in an adaptation of ‘Adventures in the Skin Trade,’ by Dylan Thomas, at the Sydney Opera House and Melbourne Arts Centre, Australia. He also recently played Oscar Wilde in a tour of ‘The Trials of Oscar Wilde.’

Directing Credits Include: Assistant Director to Terry Hands on ‘Pygmalion’ by George Bernard Shaw (Theatr Clwyd) A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Rose Theatre, Kingston) Well Thumbed (Notional Theatre) The Dreamer (Maltings, Farnham)

Television Credits Include:  Da Vinci’s Demons, Holby City, Judge John Deed, Ghostboat, Crash, Tunnel of Love, Porthpenwaig, Inspector Morse, Harpur and Isles, Art that Shook the World, 90 Days in Hollywood, Return to Treasure Island, That Uncertain Feeling, Rhinoceros, Van der Valk,  999 Killer on the line, Mike Bassett - Manager, Gwaith Cartref.

Film Credits Include:  Steven has just finished filming ‘The Watcher in the Woods’ with Anjelica Huston, in which he plays the title role. Other Film work includes; Hamlet, Cold Earth, Rise of the Appliances, Trauma, Trail of Crimson, De Sade, Green Monkey and Time Bandits. Also recordings of Frankenstein (NT Live) King Lear and True West (Digital Theatre)

Graham Seed — Major Courtney

Graham trained at RADA and is best known for playing Nigel Pargetter in the radio series The Archers for 27 years, until the character’s untimely demise in January 2011. Theatre credits include: Dead Sheep and An Audience with Jimmy Savile (Park Theatre), Dead Sheep (National Tour), 
Bedroom Farce and Separate Tables (Salisbury Playhouse), Flare Path (National Tour) Jim Hacker in Yes Prime Minister (National Tour), Basket Case with Nigel Havers (National Tour)Major Metcalf in The Mousetrap (60th Anniversary tour), Toad of Toad Hall (West
End); Me and My Girl (Adelphi Theatre); Relatively
Speaking and Confusions (national tour); Design for Living (English Touring Theatre); Twelfth Night
(BAC); Translations (Watford and tour); A Chaste
Maid of Cheapside (Almeida and tour); Someone to
Watch Over Me (Frankfurt); An Eligible Man (New
End, Hampstead); The Skin Game (Orange Tree);
Nelson (Nuffield, Southampton); Present Laughter
(Theatr Cymru); French Without Tears (Mill at
Sonning); Journey’s End (National Tour) Accolade at the
Finborough. He has also played many
repertory seasons including: Birmingham, Greenwich, 
Library Theatre, Manchester, and Perth.

Television credits include: The Durrells, I, Claudius, Edward
VII, Brideshead Revisited, Mike Leigh’s Who’s Who, Victoria Wood: As Seen on TV, Jeeves and Wooster, The Cleopatras, Crossroads, Coronation Street, Brookside, Prime Suspect, Nature Boy, Dinnerladies, Station Jim, Band of Brothers, The Chatterley Affair, Doctors, Midsomer Murders and He Kills Coppers. Film credits include: Peterloo, Gandhi, Good and Bad at
Games, Honest, Little Dorrit, These Foolish Things and Wild Target with Bill Nighy and Emily Blunt. Radio credits include: Nigel Pargetter
in The Archers. He is an occasional presenter on ‘Pick of the Week’ and was a regular voice on ‘What The Papers’ Say’ both for Radio 4.
 He was the recipient of the
Broadcaster of the Year Award 2010 from the
Broadcasting Press Guild and the Voice of Listener
and Viewer Special Award 2010.

Marcus Houden — Constable Macdonald

Theatre credits include: The Tempest (Hope Theatre, London) - BroadwayWorldUK Best Leading Actor nomination, Overture Live (Hippodrome, London), Peter Pan (UK Tour), Robin Hood and the Babes in the Wood(Gala Theatre, Durham), Treasure Island (Cambridge Touring Theatre), A Midsummer Night’s Dream (International Tour), Romeo and Juliet, Sense and Sensibility (Chapterhouse Theatre Company), Bouncers(UK Tour), The Three Musketeers (Jamie Marcus Productions), The Merry Wives of Henry VIII (Edinburgh Festival), Art, Macbeth(Seagull Theatre), Tartuffe, The Beaux’ Stratagem (Lichfield Garrick) and Dick Whittington (Theatre Colwyn).

Damian Williams — One-Round

Damian became well known to television audiences in the early nineties for his appearances as Ginger Gahagan in the BBC series Billy Webb and the second series Alfonzo Bonzo. His other television appearances include Lumpy in Spatz; Gavin in Exam Conditions and Ian in The Bill. Damian was the presenter of Damian’s Are You Smarter Than Your 10 Year Old for Sky One and was also in the new series of Birds of a Feather.

Damian is always in demand for Musical Theatre and in 2013 and 2014 Damian played Edna Turnblad in Hairspray both at the Leicester Curve as well as a tour of Singapore and Kuala Lumpur.

Damian’s first love is comedy (his heroes are Laurel & Hardy) and he has played various comedy roles from Luther Billis in South Pacific to Pseudolus in A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum. Damian played Tommy Cooper in the new play Being Tommy Cooper, and toured in the one man play My Dog’s Got No Nose. Most recently he’s also played Tommy Cooper in the short film The Last Laugh, written and directed by Paul Hendy for which Damian won best Actor (Southampton film festival)

Damian has toured the country for over 25 years and has a wealth of experience in Theatre, a well respected farceur Damian has appeared in; Run for your wife, Cash on Delivery, Funny Money, Tom Dick & Harry, It Runs in the Family, Not now darling, There Goes The Bride, Out of Order, Caught in the Net, Dry Rot, See How they Run and Don’t Dress For Dinner.

As resident Dame of 10 years at the Sheffield Lyceum Damian is set to play Mother Goose this year.

Damian was born in Tilbury in Essex and now resides in Southend on sea with his wife Barbie. They are proud parents of twins, Joshua and Esme, undoubtedly Damian’s finest productions to date!

Anthony Dunn — Louis Harvey

Anthony has worked extensively as an actor in the UK, Europe, Canada and the United States over the last 30 years. Theatre includes Calamity Jane (UK and Ireland Tour), Paved in Gold (Canada), Birds (US Tour), Face (UK Tour), Buddy (Victoria Palace), Bouncers (Hull Truck), L'Ascencore (European Tour) and Don Quixote(Warehouse Theatre). His television appearances include The Murdoch Mysteries (US and Canada), Roomers and The Last Word for the BBC and Stuck on You, The Upper Hand and Frank Stubbs for ITV. Anthony has also worked in academia, teaching and doing Ph.D research in Washington and New Orleans. When not working as an actor, Anthony can be found taking groups of people on entertaining historical tours of London by road, river or foot.

Sam Lupton — Harry Robinson

Training: Manchester School Of Theatre (Man met, Acting)

Theatre includes: ‘Wilfred Crompton’ in Spring and Port Wine (Oldham Coliseum 2017); 'Seymour' in Little Shop Of Horrors (UK Tour 2016),  'Boq' in Wicked (Apollo Victoria Theatre, West End); 'Princeton’ & ‘Rod' in Avenue Q (UK Tour 2012); 'Man' in Starting Here, Starting Now'; Greg' in Single Sex and 'Gena Hamlet' in Galka Motalka (Royal Exchange Theatre, Manchester);  'Harry' in Love On The Dole and 'Young Collector/Sailor' in A Streetcar Named Desire (Bolton Octagon); 'Colin Ireland & Robin Oake' in Out Out Out (Pitgems Theatre); "Jim/Ensemble" in The Hired Man (Bolton Octagon) which won the 2010 TMA Award for Best Performance in a Musical, awarded to the entire ensemble. He Also originated the role of 'Ben' in Firing Life.

Television includes: The Late Late Show (RTE) and Ireland:AM (TV3).

Radio Includes: 'Nino Sarratore' in The Story Of A New Name & My Brilliant Friend (BBC Radio 4), Various Characters in National Velvet (BBC Radio 4)

Workshops: 'Boy & Zacky' in Big Fish; 'John-Michael' in Doris Stokes

Other Work Includes: The Music of Kooman & Diamond (IlliaDebuts, London Debut), "The Concrete Jungle": UK Album Launch (IlliaDebuts), 'West End Switched Off' (Parallel Productions)

Sam has also worked as a puppet coach for the 2014 professional UK tour of Avenue Q. In 2016 he made is directorial debut with How To Curse at London's Etcetera Theatre.