#sam had tons of huge moments in the later seasons and dean did a few big arcs cuz sam already did some(and they were better) its that simpl

[sampilled]

😒😒😒😒 i understand all of the bitter samgirls...

[elizabethrobertajones]

Comparing Season 6 and Season 10 - which one do you think makes more sense as a whole, which one better pulls of seeming like what happened/was revealed at the end of the season is what was supposed to happen/was planned all along?

I may be biased, but for me, season 6 by miles. And almost all of that is Edlund desperately cramming everything that had happened so far into something that either made sense or handwaved why it didn’t make sense in an effectively emotional enough episode that by the end of TMWWBK you sort of feel like you’ve actually got your answers and Cas has been completely honest and open with YOU at least, making it that much easier to handle what was going on. 

I think for me season 10 was poorly handled in ways that weren’t particularly well addressed and the only offered explanation ever was “oh it was Amara after all” which in the context of season 11 gives us some more characterisation to begin to pull things together, though without addressing everything. Still if we’re dealing with things as a whole, season 10 doesn’t have an episode that scrapes everything together in the post-Edlund era and what we get only within the confines of season 10 is extremely unsatisfactory, even if later canon eases it a little bit, along with just… not being actively in SPN season 10 as it airs :P 

Going off my memories of being in the fandom at the time, we had a lot of issues with things like 

Dean’s incomplete demon reversal (so far as in 10x02, written by Dabb who invented the cure repeating the correct steps, then in 10x03 Buckleming not following through with them)

“the river ends at the source” “never mind I was screwing with you”

Did Cain still have the Mark after 9x11? lasting drama until 10x14, and still debated afterwards especially by people who had thought he didn’t have the Mark and had passed it entirely to Dean now being very confused  

What the fuck was this about Lucifer having the Mark and how did that last minute addition affect everything? 

the Colette parallel being wildly mis-applied by fandom but also issues with the show’s fear to explore it leading to “we are all the colette” episodes with lasting drama until 10x22, where Charlie, Sam and Cas all variously and persistently seemed to be suggested to be capable of being a team effort to pull Dean out of the darkness. 10x22 also wasn’t enough to stop Dean, and the final confrontation was with Sam, I think a general consensus was - especially again with season 11′s help - that the memory of Mary drew him back/unleashed Amara metaphorically who unleashed Mary literally - it wasn’t a great note to end on without season 11 context (as a whole, so, like, a whole YEAR later) that Sam had “won” the battle to bring Dean back from himself where Cas had failed, and the subtext and show and fandom most of all had made SUCH a huge deal out of Colette, after 9x11 over-told her story instead of retelling Cain & Abel, that it was set up with the expectation that saving Dean was a romantic quest, not a brotherly one. 10x14 sort of helped set things to rights with the list, but the fighting about what it all meant at the time was AWFUL, and though I think I was right and the show bore that out and these days I type it all with confidence, I’m pretty sure there’s a ton of buried wank about it that could be dragged out if we want >.>

the fact there wasn’t really an overarcing Mark of Cain plot except “Dean is suffering” with the only 3 actual plot points they could do with it being demon!Dean, kill Cain, and remove Mark. Because of that, everything else is literally set-dressing to fill the time and add drama in between, but these were played with poorly and there wasn’t any subterfuge we weren’t in on (i.e. sam stealing the book) vs Cas betraying both the Winchesters and US. The only retcon offered in the end was Death’s exposition about the Darkness.

people literally forgetting which order episodes came out in and being very confused about why Amara wasn’t released when Dean was 14 in 10x12 even though he didn’t kill Cain for 2 more episodes (like, within weeks of 10x14 airing, I swear)

the understandable disappearance of Cole but bizarre application of that hunter called Rudy who popped up in his place and featured in 10x23 along with Cas for Dean’s guilt trip. Even if Cole and TAW sucked ass, it’s much easier to understand the emotional impact of what happened to Rudy if you assume he has the exact same backstory as Cole and the same nonsense happened to Dean twice in the same year :P 

Pre-season hype about Rowena made a huge deal out of the Grand Coven, and for a brief moment it seemed like there might be a witch plotline, including new lore dumps about different types of witches in 10x07, characters like Olivette the Hamster, etc, but they squandered her first season and 10x19 was as close as we got to any pay off to her actual storyline

Then Oskaar happened and that was like ??? Okay just introduce him in the second to last episode and throw us into that emotional situation 

the entire cure coming out of nowhere as a random last minute macguffin instead of having been anything they put together over the season - even though the book of the damned thing showed up in 10x11 it changed substantially from the clue Charlie left with (a less than 100 year old book with a library reference number found on an antique rare book website, based on a real book, which we all picked over and were left wondering if the plot was to be about some sort of occultism thing as a result) to a much different lore. Then there were a few episodes dealing with it and the codex, the actual spell had no real struggle, and Crowley delivered all the pieces while Cas stood around scowling and Rowena stood around in chains eye-rolling. Compare season 13′s pacing with Sam and Dean cobbling together what they needed from halfway through the season, and being on the mission to get to the AU from episode 9, with relatively little of the endless sitting around googling and being frustrated of past seasons but ESPECIALLY season 10 where Sam was futilely trawling the results of googling “mark of cain” from mid-late season 9 through to like, 10x18 when an actual brief plot appeared around it directly. 

I think all of it points to a problem of working forwards from where they were instead of backwards to tidy up what was left. In season 6 Edlund took as many loose plot threads, from how Sam lost his soul, what was up with Crowley and Cas, the angel war, explanations for Sam and Samuel working together, why eve happened, everything, and put it all together to explain the elements of the season so far in a new light. Despite how disastrous that season was, PRETENDING you knew like you meant to do it all along glosses over inconsistencies in Samuel’s story or Cas and Crowley’s 6x10 interactions, and makes them relatively inconsequential when most of the details add up. 

The same thing works with the Lucifer as Sam’s vessel storyline, in the sense that while Azazel’s plan is fucking ridiculous in its over-complex bizarre attempt to find a worthy true vessel that Heaven had fated, comparing season 1-2 to season 5 head on is bad, each season explains itself from the last in enough of a way and with enough knowledge of what already happened that really despite vast inconsistencies in the lore, by 5x22 we are pretty much all on board to accept the way it all played out because they use what was previously written to build up Sam’s arc, and little details thrown in towards the end like Brady and then Lucifer revealing ALL of Sam’s closer rando peeps had been demons, tidy up more and more loose ends and there’s left with plausible deniability about a lot of the issues.

In season 10 they kept on introducing elements instead of working with what they had already established, and also discarded what seemed like major plot hooks for Rowena and Cole, one annoyingly, one completely metatextually understandably and fuck TAW, I’m glad the show never brought Cole back as soon as rumours of him groping fans appeared, and it makes me genuinely trust that the SPN set is a safe place. But yeah. 

Things they set up and could have worked with, were the Cas’s grace arc, which was resolved to a small personal satisfaction to Cas without any major plot impact except we could stop worrying about when Cas would get sick and die from bad grace, or steal more. 

The demon!Dean issue was bad writing from Buckleming re: was he still a demon or not, but given Dean was supposed to be struggling with succumbing to darkness the season actually kept him almost completely level without any significant relapses, even after killing Cain. The sense of needing a functional Dean Winchester to keep hunting monsters and prop up the show as both the carrier of the mytharc, the emotional core, and the go-between between Sam and Cas even when the show was trying to figure out if Sam and Cas could function without Dean, it was all still so much about Dean that in 10x21 when they’re doing the cringeworthy “for Dean” thing and Rowena rolls her eyes like “I barely know the man”, I was actually applauding Buckleming snark thinking they maybe briefly had a handle on how ridiculous Dean’s position in the narrative was. (Listen, this was the last 10 minutes of my innocence about how awful Buckleming could be, leave past!me alone. She’s sweet and precious and not bitter :P) In any case, a more effective season would have utilised him more to slip and slide between light and dark and explore it in much deeper detail, but balancing that with a procedural formula doesn’t work as well and they were lacking enough philosophers on staff. I think the Dabb era writing team could handle it, because Yockey, Perez, and Glynn especially, who seems to have a psychology background based on her writing, all have a sharp attention to the exact things in emotional arcs that would have made it work better, even just as it was. Since this was a weaker writing team where Robbie, Bobo and Dabb episodes were little islands of excellence and the motw were fun but more shallow even with strong foreshadowing themes, it just didn’t pay off. 

I think the biggest waste of time was “the river ends at the source” which was either Buckleming trying to introduce a concept and hoping someone else dealt with it, or an agreed plot hook which never materialised, or Metatron literally spoke the truth, that the line had only ever been written to mess with us. However 10x23 could have actually included more of a “river ends at the source” sort of slant and had Death confirm it in so many words because Amara really did sort of seem to be the answer to the question. In 10x10 it seemed like they knew where the season was going, but by 10x17 it was obvious they DIDN’T, and it was during 10x18 that the plot actually got hashed out and Robbie was handed heavy revisions to make to change the Stynes to end of season villains and the Book of the Damned was going to be used how it was. I think this is really weak plotting, as someone who always puts in fun lines and then attempts like crazy to pay off on them. My first novel has the line “you can’t talk to me yet” and I play through that the whole book until they CAN talk and make it a major motif, goal and in the end try to explain it as best I can about how it’s all plot relevant and why using that for tension to put off the explanations and such was a valid thing to throw at my main character, and then the springboard to more adventure when she was ready for it. I literally do not understand putting a portentous line into your story, and not becoming desperately eager to answer it or twist something into revealing how it all fits at the end, if not basing your entire story off of it. Sam and Dean seemed wildly uncurious about how to apply that or what it means. 

In season 6 one of the more frustrating things is the “it’s all about the souls” line because Dean fails to investigate until someone or other rolls their eyes and makes it all clear to him. But we get a few more reminders in Cas’s presence, until we find out his plan, and Crowley repeats that line in 6x20 when making his sales pitch to Cas, if I’m remembering rightly (I hope so :/) and so despite Dean’s infuriating lack of investigation (not that he had a great deal of leads, but still - you could build a plot around it by GIVING him a lead, he’s the fictional character and you’re the writer :P) at the very least they repeat the motif in at least 6x17 and 6x20 to my memory, before the souls thing becomes a lot more obvious about Cas taking the purgatory souls and we’re allowed to actually discuss what he’s up to instead of the vague hints Atropos and Rachel give that they know his plans. 6x07 also hints early on that Purgatory is full of monster souls if you add it all up - the writers knew they were doing SOMETHING with this even if it took to the end of the season for it to all come together. (And that’s something that’s clearly and overarcing plot that Gamble oversaw because she wrote 6x11 and the line then appears in multiple episodes around the place, so that’s not just something Edlund tidied up but an actual effort to write the season well.)

Throwing aside the “river ends at the source” line is wildly frustrating because it wouldn’t have been too hard to apply it thematically and even keep Metatron being a douche while giving the viewer a pay off anyway for our own satisfaction, by showing it had been a theme all along anyway. You CAN squint at season 10 and analyse it through that lens but it’s exhausting when the show doesn’t give us the themes on a platter. It also shows that the plotting is careless and they’re experimenting, and rather than working with what they have, this is in a path of episodes where they’re discarding some plotlines, and we’re beginning to have end of season plotlines hastily pasted onto the end of the season, but they make very little of any of the work already done to build up the season as we’d seen it so far.

Add onto that Charlie being murdered for manpain to motivate some things into action and all the random elements being used, and the sense that Crowley, Cas and Rowena all abruptly ran out of a plotline that had been intended to utilise them and put on a side character duty away from Sam and Dean, the season is extremely messily and carelessly written, and without any real attention to detail to its own themes and characters and plotlines. Even if they’d gone into the season not particularly expecting where to go, they brought a lot to the table early on but then quickly wiped a lot of it off, and brought a lot more stuff to the table instead, which makes season 10 a really wonky, unfinished feeling product as a thing on its own, and the overall story is scrappy and carelessly plotted.

And that is speaking just about the easy plot stuff without getting into the absolute mess of speculation from the Destiel side of fandom wondering wtf was going on with the seeming build up to crypt scenes, colette, the grace cure, etc, that made up the bulk of the speculation but makes actually analysing expectations vs presented product completely impossible to evaluate on that side of things because as always Destiel speculation really overshoots what is expected and was really running wild at that point. I mean, not being judgemental because that was the year I was right in the thick of it. 3 years clear of it now, some of it seems really silly, but those 3 things all seemed clearly built up to our eyes, and we got the reverse crypt scene we’d been expecting since before the season started, and we got the Colette reference which slotted Cas firmly into place as a reminder of how Cain’s peeps lined up against Dean’s, as well as Cas asking Dean to stop, which satisfied the terms and conditions of Dean resisting walking in Cain’s footsteps with the overall set up of the scene. With the way Cas got his grace back and then some other rando cure popped up where Rowena of all people made the sacrifice, I really can’t help feeling like the conspiracy theorist who knows they were right but with the way it all shook out, only people who knew the conspiracy would understand how it didn’t happen and it’s very hard for me to look at that and say that some non-Cas-related cure was coming all along, given the conspicuous dropping of one plotline sort of day of picking up the next >.> But I’ll cede that from my position I might be a bit compromised on that one. 

Anyways. To me season 10 is a disaster that only season 11 really justifies, while season 6 has some truly low points but in the end the actual writing skill hauls it through so that it creates the illusion that there was consistency, if you ignore everything outside of the text suggesting it may have been as poorly planned as season 10. Planning isn’t everything - it’s what you do when confronted with the unplanned wire tangle in front of you that really marks how well they were written, and just shoving it under the table and putting a new wire tangle down vs actually unpicking it and making them as neat as possible? Gamble slam dunks Carver :P

[malmuses]

A Very Human Risk - Part 1 - Sam

Author’s Notes:

My very first fanfic, not to mention the first thing I’ve written in at least 10 years. Eek! This tumblr is really for myself, to prove that I can do it... but just in case anyone stumbles across it, here’s a quick Authors Note and summary.

There are 6 parts to this fic, from various character points of view, and an epilogue. (So technically 7 parts I suppose....) They are all already complete, but I plan on posting them separately over the next couple of weeks after proofing and editing. If anyone reads, I’d love a message or comment to say hi! I’ll likely post a more in-depth authors note when I’m done.

This fic is set during early to mid Season 13, shortly after Cas’s return from The Empty. 

Summary

Team Free Will’s thousand mile journey home from a routine hunt is going to take a little longer than planned. Sam’s patience with Dean and his Angel’s lack of true communication doesn’t last that far...

Destiel, Humor, Optional Smut. GO!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

A Very Human Risk

Part One - Sam

Blood. Miscellaneous viscera. A small chunk of what might be intestine… more blood. Sam idly examined the stains on his pants while he waited for the lights to change. He was sat shotgun in the front of the Impala, ignoring the thump of his possibly-concussed head so that Dean could swing them through the drive-thru of a small mom-and-pop burger joint near Zebulon, North Carolina. Something clear and kinda greasy… was that spinal fluid? Some days, it was definitely better to pick a food option where they didn’t have to get out of the car. In the wide back seat, Cas shifted his weight forward and reached into the driver’s space. He seemed miraculously clean himself, but he had no qualms or squeamishness about the lump of something-or-other he flicked out of Deans sandy hair. There was a tiny plop as whatever-it-was landed on the dashboard.

“Hey, watch the tunes…” Dean grumbled mildly, pushing a slightly yellowed cassette of Styx songs away from the chunk.

Cas made no response, instead retreating to his often worn silent-but-listening expression and returning his gaze out of the window.

A few minutes later, Dean passed a large brown bag of warmth and questionable nutrition over to Sam, who settled it on his lap among the stains and began to rifle through as they made their way back to the highway. “They forgot a fork for my salad…” Sam lamented quietly.

“Guess you’ll have to eat it straight out of the bowl, like a true rabbit.” Dean offered with a slight grin. His words were teasing, but his tone was thin and tired. He shifted in his seat, wincing sorely at an assortment of minor wounds.

They had been on the road for several hours since they ganked a whole nest of vampires near the coast, trying to make sure they’d shaken a particularly curious traffic cop who pulled them on the way back from cleaning up the remains. He’d found no issue with the license of a certain Edward Halen, thank Chuck, but had seemed more than a little disturbed by the state of the car and its occupants. Dean had thought it best to ditch their plan to wash up in a nearby motel and stay on the road until they were well clear. Although filthy, beaten and in several cases bleeding, none of them were gravely wounded and they figured a good few hours of the road back home couldn’t hurt.

“You should rest soon.” It was a statement from Cas in the back. “Or at least shower…”

We must smell awful to him, Sam contemplated.

Dean opened his mouth to offer a quick retort, but after a couple of seconds he merely sighed and agreed. 

“Yeah. Let’s find somewhere with a room for tonight. It’s over a thousand miles back to Kansas, so we’re not getting back to the Bunker today anyways. Or at least a by-the-hour with a ton of hot water.” 

He paused briefly to check the traffic before swinging the car out onto the highway. “I’ll head towards Raleigh, there’s bound to be some kinda motel before we hit the city.”

Sam nodded idly, distracted by more pressing matters. “Dean, did you seriously order three cheeseburgers?”

“Yes.” His brother snapped, before rolling his eyes and relenting. “One’s for Cas, bitch.”

“Cas doesn’t eat, jerk.”

“Oh, but I can.” The speed with which Cas snatched the offending item from Sam’s hand was really unnecessary. Sam watched Dean’s eyes slide back to look at the angel as he unwrapped the greasy package, biting into the burger with a contented little sigh. His brother looked pleased with himself, a tiny smile curling his lip as their eyes caught and hovered for just a second too long, before Dean had to return his gaze to the tarmac. Sam said nothing; he’d been around these two long enough to know moments like that weren’t his to intrude on. The silence that followed though… that bugged him a lot more than it used to before.

* * *

Throwing the motel card to Dean, Sam ducked down into the driver’s seat of the Impala. 

“Go grab the first shower Dean, so we can get your injuries patched up…. Cas and I will run to that grocery store we passed and grab some beer and snacks for later.”

Without waiting for a response, Sam spun out of the Motel 8 parking lot. Looking over his shoulder he caught Cas’s slightly confused expression, but the angel said nothing and remained in place on the back seat, almost eerily immobile as the Impala lurched over the uneven gravel. It took only a couple of minutes to get to the Food Lion parking lot. As the car settled, Sam took the key and slipped it into his pocket, but didn’t immediately move.

“Perhaps I should fetch the beer, Sam.” Cas rumbled mildly. “For once, I may draw less attention.” He gestured to Sam’s splattered clothing.

“Yeah, I really took the brunt of the spray when Dean hacked that brunette.”

The door creaked as Cas began to open it.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Sam?”

Sam took a moment, before turning his giant form in the seat so he could look at the angelic face in the back, who still had one hand on the door handle. “Do you love my brother, Cas?”

A ghost of something shot across Castiel’s brilliant blue eyes before he responded. “Of course, Sam. You’re both family to me.”

Sam chuckled slightly, but it was a sad sound. 

“Of course.” Despite his tone, his smile to the angel was genuinely fond.  “But… I watched Dean grieve for you when you were in the Empty, Cas. I’ve seen him grieve plenty over the years…Grief for family. Dad. Mom. Bobby… For friends, for Charlie, Kevin, Ellen and Jo…. We thought you were really gone, Cas. Christ, I missed you too. It was awful. But Dean…. I’ve never seen him grieve like that Cas. He lost himself.”

The silence in the trench coat loomed for several moments.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Sam.” His voice a soft, frustrated growl. “It was a stupid move on my part… I was reckless and you paid for that.”

“You made a snap decision Cas, we’ve all done worse,” Sam comforts. “But that’s not my point.”

Castiel’s gaze dropped down and he began to fidget uncharacteristically with his tie.

Sam thinks for a moment about how mad Dean would be if he knew this conversation was why he had kidnapped the angel from the motel. Eh. At least he’ll have something valid to be angry about this week.

“He broke, Cas. He hasn’t told you, but… When I say he lost himself? He almost died. I think he tried…..” Sam’s gentle voice trailed off momentarily as he became aware that he was now using the same tone to speak to Cas as he used to soothe distressed victims and the inevitable bereaved family members they often came across during hunts. “…I mean, I don’t know that he made the conscious decision, but… the day that you came back, he died. To find a ghost. He was gone for a long time… too long. I don’t think he really cared if he came back. Not with you gone.”

When the angel’s eyes rose back up to Sam’s face, the blue was dangerously dark and his brow furrowed noticeably. “You think Dean would give up like that? Because of me?”

“I think….” Sam spread his hands in a calming gesture. “I just think he was grieving for something… more.”

In a moment of bravery, Sam reached awkwardly into the back seat and rested his hand on the angel’s knee. “I just thought… if I told you, maybe…..” He trailed off, unsure now.

Cas looked down at the hand resting on his dress pants, his gaze giving away that it was a strangely alien sight. Cas and Dean shared friendly touches and personal space often. It was comfortable now, normal. But despite the occasional hug or shoulder clap in their history, Sam didn’t usually invade his space more than he had to. His brief smile was grateful.

His otherworldly blue eyes drifted out of the window and rested on an elderly man headed into the grocery store with a cart, following him for a long moment before he eventually looked back to the younger Winchester.

“Sam, you know that… closeness between Humans and Angels is frowned upon.”

It wasn’t quite an admission, but Sam caught it, a small smile breaking his huge face. 

“Being a rebel is hardly new to you, Cas… and it’s not like you and Dean could create a Nephilim or anything. At least, uh…” Sam’s brow furrowed. Could they? Angels didn’t even have a gender, so how much did the vessel really…..

As if watching the cogs in Sam’s brain turn, Cas interrupted briefly. “No. Male human, male angelic vessel. No Nephilim risk there.” He seemed slightly amused by Sam’s momentary confusion, something akin to a smirk briefly passing his lips.

“Right.” Sam’s laugh was somehow relieved. Good. That would be weird as fuck.

Minutes passed, in not totally uncomfortable silence.

“Sam?”

Pushing his hair back behind his ear, Sam quickly brought his attention back to the angel. “Yeah?” He tried for his best open, accepting smile.

“Am I to take it then, that… You would not be adverse to any change in mine and Dean’s… our… relationship? Such as it is?”  Cas seemed to stumble a little with the wording, finding his tongue betraying him in his moment of need, attempting to voice something he had kept unspoken for the best part of a decade. “I’m… nothing, really. Not quite an angel anymore, not quite a human…. and my vessel is male. Dean hasn’t ever indicated that he would, uh, want….”

Cas’s voice gives up the ghost entirely, a flush working its way out of his white shirt collar, much to Sam’s slightly cruel delight. He took a second to bite back a teasing response, not wanting to spook the angel in a pivotal moment. 

“Castiel.” Using the angel’s full name seemed to calm his gaze and bring his attention back to Sam. “You’re my brother, man. Maybe not by blood born...but damn, by blood spilled, you’re my brother. I can’t tell you what Dean wants, or for sure how he’ll react….but I know what I’ve seen, these past years. Life is too short… human life, anyway. I just wanted you to know so that… if you wanted to talk to him, you’d know you had my blessing and my support. Whatever happens.”

“What if he doesn’t want me, Sam?”

The gigantic Winchester was suddenly floored by the raw vulnerability in the angel’s voice. From his awkwardly turned position in the front of the Impala, all he can do is firmly squeeze Castiel’s knee.

“Well… that’s a very human risk, Cas. You may be an angel again, but you out of them all know what it is to feel…. and I think even as an angel you’re capable of sharing that terrifying little part of humanity. All I can tell you is that I’m here for you dude, as trite as that sounds.”

Cas can only nod, his gaze resting soulfully on Sam’s comforting hand.

--------------------------------------

That’s it for today! I’ll be back in a couple of days with Part 2, where we pick up with Dean.

Edit: This fic is now complete! 

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6

[jadewritings]

Doctor, Doctor [One]

A/N: So this is for my first request  I’m going to try to extend it to be three parts but it could end with two. I’m excited for everyone to read it! I’ve also altered the request a bit but only by a little. I have added a special surprise ;).  I was going to make it where the reader wasn’t paired with anyone but that didn’t go so well… Enjoy!

Pairing: eventually Sam x Reader

Word Count: 1,117

Warning: language, implied death (sorta.. IDK), an image of when Dean died from the hell hound ( No Rest From The Wicked, Season 3)

Finale [x]

You sighed and slumped over your desk. You have been working an extra shift of 36 hours at Miracle Hospital. To be honest, you missed your old job, that being a hunter. It was a huge contrast but you decided healing people would be the safest bet. You already lost everything and everyone to monsters. Your past was dark but only you knew that. You had a secret you couldn’t tell anyone, that you were special, since the day you were brought into this world.

You were tired and had a ton of surgeries you have to scrub in for. But you were in no shape for that. You started to doze off in an uncomfortable position, though, as long as you got sleep you didn’t care what position you were in. You were interrupted by a deep voice shouting down the halls. “Help! Somebody help me, he needs a doctor!” You jumped up and rushed out of your office.

You saw a tall man with medium length brown hair and hazel eyes. He had blood all over his clothes, carrying a dirty blonde haired man, who also was covered in blood but was unconscious.  You instantly knew who they were, you heard so many stories about them when you were still hunting. “Over here! Set him on the gurney!” you waved him over and as soon as he laid him down you got to work, checking his pupils and assessing the damage. You told a nurse to open a surgical room and another to get a bunch of gauzes. As the nurses ran off you got to work cutting open the man’s shirt. When you saw the wounds inflicted you gasped.

“Hellhounds…” you whispered, but the tall man next to you heard you and looked at you in surprise. “How do you know that?” He questioned. You didn’t have a chance to answer before the nurse came back with what you asked for. You opened them quickly and pressed them to the wound. You winked at him as you climbed onto the gurney to keep them secured. As the nurses wheeled you away you shouted back to him, “You’ll find out later Mr. Winchester!”

A few hours later you came out from surgery with shaky hands. The adrenaline that had kept you going was coming to an end. You walked to the Winchester brother and took a deep breath. When he spotted you he immediately jumped from his seat and bombarded you with questions. “How is he? Will he be alright?” he asked, his voice shaking. “Calm down, Mr. Winchester, your brother is fine. It will take a while before his wounds heal, but we’ve managed to control the bleeding and now he is resting. Thankfully the hell hound missed any vital organs.” you explained.

“How do you know that that’s what attacked him?” he was guarded and you chuckled. “Please, Sam was it? I’ve been in the hunting business before I came to work here. Besides, you should know hunters are scattered across the entire globe. I keep up.” You took it as your cue to leave when he relaxed. Before you could take another step a hand flew to your arm and gripped it firmly.

“Uh, I was wondering if you could help us track down the thing and it’s master. They got away when it attacked Dean.”

You stopped, prepared to say no, but then you remembered how much you missed the thrill of killing the things that go bump in the night. The hospital had you running around like crazy most of the time but you were wise to save up vacation days. You sighed, “Sure. But only when your brother has healed completely. Which, like I said, could take a while.” He nodded in agreement. “Of course, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” he smiled.

You tried not to think of how much that smile went straight through your heart. “Great, you should get some rest. You can see Dean in the morning.” You smiled back. As you went back to your office you beat yourself up for having a temporary feeling that always gets someone killed.

Dean didn’t wake up for a while, which was to be expected after the night he had. Plus, you had him doped up on painkillers. When he did, everyone was relieved and happy again. Especially the nurses that always gawked at him while he slept or ate, it didn’t matter. It made you want to gag, but you could understand. He still had to stay for a few more observations before he was considered better enough to be let go. As you expected, the nurses were extremely upset when he was.

Considering you were the Chief of Surgery you didn’t have to go to a boss. You told everyone what they had to do and if they screwed up their asses were fired. You were blunt but firm, and Sam was certainly impressed by it. You knew rumors would start spreading like wildfire. Something in you didn’t mind but something else told you to quit while you were ahead. He was quite the looker, smart, funny, what’s there not to love? You weren’t going to get close to him but a girl can dream.

You all piled into the Impala, Sam let you have the front seat to be a gentleman while he was squished in the backseat.

You must have been driving for a couple of hours before the car came to a gas stop. You got out, wanting fresh air, and headed towards the bathroom. Getting your business done, you washed your hands and dried them, staring at your reflection. It seemed to be mocking you as it moved silently swiping its finger along your throat. You stared a little longer, clenching your jaw, until the mirror shattered into bits and pieces. You jumped back and held in the tears that threatened to fall. You closed your eyes and let out a breath you had been holding. Then ran from the bathroom.

When you returned, Dean was eating a miniature pie, occasionally slapping Sam’s hand when he tried to steal a piece. Your lips tugged upwards at how they acted immature and free from all this mess. You wished you could be that carefree, even if only for a moment. But reality would never let you. You made up your mind to not feel anything for them and just get the job done. You could stand to be alone and lonely rather then have your feelings be shattered if they ever found out how dark you really were. You don’t want to be the reason for their deaths either.

[queenof-fiction]

It’s a life style part 2

    I looked at Cas. "There's no way. I'm a hunter. I've never heard of a hunter being a prophet." I said. "Well, that does make things kind of awkward. Now we don't have to have as much protection around you at all times." Cas explained. I just stared at him. "So. That's how you knew my name and who I was." I said spinning to look at Crowley. He just smiled, “Just like the Angels I know who the prophets are too.” He said and I stared at him. How can someone be such an ass, but for some reason I can’t seem to hate him. “Asshole.” I muttered and walked over to my bags. “Kallie? What are you doing?” Sam asked. “Leaving.” I muttered stuffing my stuff in. “Where are you going?” Dean asked. “Well, there’d be no point in leaving if I told you.” I said. “Kallie, You can’t leave. They’ll find you either way. You’re safer with us.” Castiel said walking up to me. “Really? Because I had no trouble until you guys came to town. I’ve been doing fine. Hunting here in Texas alone. I’ve gotten used to it.” I explained. I grabbed my bags and walked out the door. “Kallie! Wait!” Sam yelled and ran out. “Please just go with us. At least until we figure out what to do.” “As, great as that sounds Sam. The only thing I can do is leave. Any way's I just met you guys like 3-4 hours ago. For all I know you might murder me.” I explained. “Kallie, We both know if you wouldn’t get murdered. Mainly, because you’d murder us first. Also what’s stopping Crowley from finding you? Or any other demons? Yeah you’re good but you couldn’t fight off a bunch of them. Please just come with us and if you can’t take it then you can leave.” Sam explained. Everyone walked outside behind us. “Fine. Since you won’t give up and I have no where else to go. Today’s your lucky day Samantha.” I sighed. Crowley stopped and stared at me. “Did she just?” He muttered and squinted his eyes at me. “Just what?” I snapped. “Nothing…” He muttered. I turned to Sam and Dean. “I'm driving my truck.” I said pulling out my keys. “To hell if you are. I know that the moment we drive off you’re speeding the other way.” Dean said. “Ok, maybe you’re right, but if you’re thinking that I’m just going to leave my truck here then you’re not as smart as you think you are mister.” I said. “Why don’t you leave yours here?” I asked. “No! Most definitely not. I’m not leaving baby.” he defended. “Exactly. I’m not leaving mine here either.” I said. The same time I realized that we were only inches away from each other. Dean huffed. “Fine. But-” He started. “Oh course there’s always a but.” I muttered and stared at him. I can feel everyone staring at us. “But.” Dean continued, “One of us will have to ride with you.”   “Fine. I don’t care who. Just get in the car.” I muttered and got in my truck. I looked up as Sam nodded and walked towards the truck. He jumped in the passenger seat. “Hope you don’t mind.” He smiled. “Not at all.” I said and backed out of the parking spot. Dean shook his head and got in his car alongside Cas. Crowley on the other hand was nowhere to be seen.  I followed Dean out of the parking lot and down the road. It was about 10 pm when we left. “So.” Sam awkwardly mumbled. “So.” I replied. “What you’ve been by yourself for a while now?” He asked. “Yeah. Exactly a Year today.” I Explained. “What about you? Who do you run with besides your brother?” I asked. “Just my brother and I. Sometimes Cas or Charlie.” He explained. I nodded. “Any other family?” I asked. “No.” He shook his head. “You?” I shook my head. “No. they were all killed last year.” I said. “Oh. What happened?” Sam asked. I glanced over at him. “That my friend will be found out late one night when I’m extremely drunk.” I said. Sam just nodded his head. Nobody said anything after that. I reached over to the radio and turned it on.

Living easy, living free Season ticket on a one-way ride Asking nothing, leave me be Taking everything in my stride Don't need reason, don't need rhyme Ain't nothing I would rather do Going down, party time My friends are gonna be there too I'm on the highway to hell On the highway to hell Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell

I was subtly singing to the song when I noticed Sam glancing over at me smiling. I smiled and stopped. “Don’t stop.” He smiled. “No, It’s fine. You don’t want to hear that.” I smiled and stared at the road. He just stared at me for a little, then smiled and looked back out the window. An hour later I looked over at Sam who was asleep against the window. It was almost 4 in the morning when we finally stopped. Dean got out of his car and so did Cas. I nudged Sam. “Hey. I think we are here but I’m not entirely sure.”  I explained. Sam lightly laughed and sat up. We got out of the car and followed Dean as he walked inside.  The inside was huge. There were also tons of books and doors that went to god knows where. We walked down some stairs and to a set of tables. As I set my bag on the table a girl with fiery red hair walks in. “Sup. Losers.” She smiled. “Charlie!” Sam and Dean both greeted her with a hug. I stood in the back quietly. “Who’s this?” Charlie asked smiling at me shyly. “I’m Kallie.” I smiled and held my hand out. She shook my hand. “Charlie.” I didn’t realize how quiet and caught up with each other until Sam cleared his throat. “Any way's” I said looking over at Charlie smiling. “What am I supposed to do about this prophet thing?” I asked. “What prophet thing?” Charlie asked. “Well. I met your friends here today and the next thing I know I’m in the same room as the king of hell. Angel of the lord. And Sam and Dean WINCHESTER! Does any of this sound good to you?” I asked pacing back and forth. I walked over to my bag. I reached in and pulled out a beer and chugged it. I set it on the table and walked back to everyone else. Who all happened to be watching me. All with concern except Dean his was a mix of Concern and amazement. “Kallie. Are you alright? Relax.” Sam started. “No. No I’m fine.” I muttered rubbing my face with my hands. Dean walked over to the table and sat down, “Alrighty. We need to figure something out. In the meantime you need to stay here.” Dean said. “Alright.” I muttered. “I’m too tired to argue. Also I don’t really care.” I sighed. I started to drift off to sleep with my head in my hand. “Kallie!” Sam nudged me. I jerked awake. Dean sighed, “Kallie, When was the last time you got any sleep?” He asked. “Do energy drinks and coffee count as sleep?” I asked. “No.” He said. “Oh well in that case. So, today’s Tuesday? Then I think somewhere around Saturday.” I muttered. “Kallie.” Sam sighed. “Go get some sleep. Charlie will you show her to a room?” Sam asked. “Sure thing.” She said and hopped up. “Come follow me.” I got up and followed her down a long hall. Finally she came to a room and opened the door for me. “Your palace awaits.” She smiled. “Thank you Madam.” I smiled and walked in. I fell on the bed and once I hit the sheets I fell asleep.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was a long dreamless night. I sleep only every few days. If not I have these terrible nightmares. That my parents are being killed by the demons but I’m stuck and can’t move. I figured out if I make myself exhausted then my brains too busy resting and I won’t have to deal with the nightmares. I rolled over onto my side. I was wide awake. 1:30 A.M. “Great.” I muttered to myself. I sat up and got out of bed. I walked down the long hallway. I opened one of the doors and saw Sam peacefully sleeping in his bed. I gently smiled and shut the door. I walked down to the end of the hallway. I grabbed my bag. I opened it looking for my cell phone. Damn it. It was in my other bag. Out in the truck.  I sighed and slipped on my shoes. I walked up the stairs and opened the door. It was eerily dark. I huffed and walked to my truck. I swung open the back door and grabbed my bag.  “Hello.”  I heard someone say behind me. I swung around with my knife in my hand. There was a little girl standing there. I sighed and bent down. “Hi, sweetie can I help you with something?” I asked. “Are you lost?” Her eyes were red from crying. “Did you lose your mom?” I asked. She ran to me and hugged me crying. “Shh it’s ok.” I soothed. I set my knife on the seat of the truck. She backed up and looked at me. Then her eyes turned completely black. Crap. I stood up quickly. I went to grab my knife but the door slammed shut and there was a guy with fiery red hair standing there. I backed up quickly. “Sam! Dean!” I screamed. They were too far away. The demon pinned my arms behind my back and pushed me against my truck. “I have someone who wants to talk to you.” He said. “Fuck off.” I spat. “Bitch.” He said angrily. “You’re lucky. That I’m not allowed to hurt you.” He muttered. “Let's go.” he said. I glanced up and saw one of the security cameras. I felt a smaller sense of relief knowing that Sam and Dean will see what happened. Next thing I know, Is that I’m standing in front of a throne. The place was oddly warm too. I looked over and saw Crowley sitting there. Great. Next to him a woman with red hair was standing there smiling. I squirmed trying to break free of the guy hold me. His grip was too strong. “Let me go!” I screamed. Crowley stared at me. The woman spoke up. “She’s cute.” She smiled walking over to me. She held my chin in her hand. She smiled as I glared at her. I tried to pull my face away. “Don’t touch me.” I muttered.  “Mother.” Crowley started, “Leave the girl alone.” She looked disappointed and she let go. “Oh Fergus I just want to have a little fun with the prophet.” She smiled. “It’s Crowley.” He muttered. “I am not a dog.” I hissed. “No. Dogs are fun.” The demon holding me muttered. I stomped on his foot. He grunted and squeezed my wrists tighter. I flinched slightly. I turned and looked at Crowley. They both were standing there studying me. “Alright.” Crowley sighed. “Alexander you can go ahead and leave.” “But sir?” Alexander started. “Alexander. Go.” Crowley demanded. Alexander pushed me forward. I fell to my knees and he walked out. I stayed there for a second. I sighed and stood up. I backed away slightly. “I don’t know what you want from me.” I said. “I just want to leave. Hell. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do. Or what I can do.” I said. “Well, You’ll figure it out. We will figure it out.” He walked towards me and I backed away. He stopped and sighed. “Theo!” He yelled. “Take her to her room and guard her door. Don’t let her leave. We will have a meeting at 5.” Crowley said and sat back down. “Now go.” Theo walked over and grabbed my arm.

3rd person’s Point of view

Theo walked Kallie out of the main room and down the hall. Rowena turned and looked at Crowley. “You know she’ll probably kill Theo right?” She asked. “I know mother. That’s why I sent Theo. Hell. He’s practically useless.” Crowley said.  As Theo was walking Kallie down the hall she turned and elbowed him in the stomach. Theo bent down in pain. She grabbed his head and slammed it against her knee then followed by slamming his head into the wall.  Crowley heard all the banging and got up. Some demons rushed to him telling him to sit down that they’ll handle it. Crowley pushed them aside and walked out. Crowley walked down the aisle where Kallie was starting to run down the hall. “Don’t bother.” He said and snapped his fingers. Kallie stopped in her tracks. Unable to move. He walked up to her. “You know that was expected to happen right. That was apart of the test.” Crowley explained. Kallie stared at him not knowing what to say. Crowley started to walk down the hall and Kallie had no choice but to follow him. Literally no choice it was part of the spell. He opened one of the doors and she walked in. He sealed the door by some binding spell. Now she was only to be achieved by him and him only. She also isn’t capable of leaving.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Hey you, during the course of this season i Have seen more and more people leave the fandom or grow disinterested in spn, and im confused why that it. I get why maybe s12 wouldnt be a fave season but if I look at the wank and bads of the previous ones (destiel fiasco in/out the show s9, charlies death Dean cruelty to Cas in s10, Dean/baby love interest s11) s12 didnt really do much that would drive people away en masse I feel? Yet it seems like more people left it :(

Heya! :D

Idk, maybe it was that more vocal people drifted off? I always feel like people’s attention spans are usually only a few years or so. I mean, I feel like I’ve been in the fandom a Long Time and I’ve only been here since the end of season 9, so really this is only my 3rd hiatus, and coming up to 4th year watching with fandom, on a 12 year show I’ve been watching for nearly 10 years, for the most part as a moderately casual viewer… I think I clock up about 5 years major interest and then drift, based on me vs several other things like how invested I was in LotR or Harry Potter or Animorphs, or whatever (to go back in time to my pre-teen interests :P) and it’s not a bad thing and I still love 2 of those franchises and have engagement in them but back to being a casual fan (if “religiously watches LotR at Christmas” is casual allowing for cultural/social stuff, but I’m not composing Legolas/Aragon smut in my teenage journal in secret code any more :P) 

Anyway the season 8 bubble of fandom could be deflating about now - that’s long enough for people to feel they’ve given the show their full attention and it’s still going so it’s getting tiring. That’s the major feeling I get - people are exhausted and we had a baby boomer fandom around season 8 so that ~generation~ of fans is now reaching the natural end of its attention span in a very human natural way. But there’s a ton of new or newer fans who are still enjoying the heck out of it, and the fandom’s still huge and full of people with a commitment to the show or ships. And some people don’t work like that and are loyal from start to finish or commit to TV shows fully to see them to their end. I would dump a show I was getting bored of but come back to watch the end later in a big marathon to find out what happened, but Supernatural hasn’t given me a reason to get totally un-invested until that time… I suspect a lot of people will watch the entire show ONE DAY but don’t want to do fandom and give it all their leisure time any more either.

[under a cut for meandering rambling]

But yeah I think you’ve named some pretty big mass exodus moments (I would like to clarify “Dean/baby” is “Dean/Amara-as-an-infant” right? Because Dean/Baby totally was a thing in 11x04 and it was GLORIOUS :P) and I feel like I DID lose people from my dash all through the time I’ve been watching. Heck, I hit up fandom right after 9x18, and started following people, and that was the JIB of “we don’t play it that way” so I immediately was following several abandoned blogs and I’d barely even started to get to know the landscape :P I feel like people HAVE been jumping ship the entire time and I remember most of those instances as sadly clearing several favourite people off my dash or turning them into different fandom blogs that I eventually unfollowed out of confusion… 

I don’t know, I think people leave when they want to leave because as long as you like the core of a thing and it holds your interest, you can forgive or ignore or scowl at but hold out for better the bad bits and problematic parts. I’m sort of weary of them killing all the women and PoC but I’m still at the stage where I identify it sucks, but I still care too much about the main characters that I’m sort of stuck on this ride with them. 

(I have 2x21 paused on the screen next to me right as Sam meets all the special children, aka introducing Lily the lesbian who dies horribly as a disposable red shirt to show how awful this situation is, and Jake, a black guy whose power is being super strong and to fall to Azazel’s manipulation, kill Sam, and then get killed with extreme overkill by Sam. In the same season he set the cops on Gordon, also a black man who was really aggro and cruel, but in the next season becomes a monster and Sam kills him also one of the most brutal kills he has up there with Jake. Basically, the show’s always had some issues and if we carried on watching all the way to season 12, well, apply self-reflection, but at this point if you’ve been watching as long as I have, you just kind of accept the show sucks at certain things, and for ME personally it’s not kicking off the sort of weariness that others felt about Billie and Alicia and Eileen being killed off this season)

… I don’t really have a point, expect about the demographics of fandom during season 8 getting to the end of their interest now. I don’t think EVERYONE who did will leave, and we’re getting fresh blood all the time, but I think that’s just part of the nature of being in fandom. I don’t think season 12 is particularly bad from my experience, although some pretty high profile bloggers have gotten exhausted - again, they’ve been maintaining blogs and producing content since single digit seasons so they’ve contributed a LOT to the fandom and there’s a fatigue about contribution as well… 

That’s partially why I meta and gif and write fic and occasionally make random shitposts… I don’t want to burn out because any one of those things on its own can get pretty boring, even writing fic. Or especially, idk, as a writer I tend to bounce around projects, so this is keeping me weirdly focused on writing my original fiction on one side of my brain and fan fic on the other and it seems to be a better way of splitting my attention… But I digress. :P 

I know how to manage my own brain to some degree but I have a lot of time to contemplate and self-reflect on why I’m in fandom and what I get out of it, and mostly I just conclude I’m bored and house-bound and I’ve found a few tried and tested things that get me some positive attention in a non-weird rat with a pleasure button way like people running hate blogs or something… But I know my own head and that I can get bored of stuff so I marathon a lot of other shows and think about other things than fandom stuff as much as possible and just let this be the gutter my brain drains into when my attention span is too shot to hell to do anything else and I just want to slump over a keyboard and do the easiest activity I know bar playing Animal Crossing for hours. 

Other people with busier lives and actual jobs and energy and limbs that don’t just randomly stop working when they do anything for more than 5 minutes and so on might not be casual fans but they make a certain space in their life for fandom and get out of it what they need but it’s a high quality demand thing so if their carefully allocated me-time isn’t rewarding them like it should it’s totally their right to go find another OTP to amuse themselves with a fandom producing stuff they want to see and a media source that’s giving them what they want immediately and in a way they don’t have to “look for scraps” as some people were saying about Destiel in season 9, 10 and 11 while things were thinner on the ground.

And as one of the too-much-free-time fandom contributors, I’ve got an enormous luxury to stick out things people who don’t have time for being jerked around or over-analysing to find what they want to see have… Although I’ll try and pass on my thoughts for the people with less time to think them to try and help them enjoy themselves as much as possible :P Anyway I think a whole range of reasons happen that people might get fatigued of the show especially as lives change and people blogging enthusiastically one day might get a job or a new relationship or a dog or SOMETHING and just not spend quite so much time online and then discover they don’t NEED to spend so much time on fandom, and drift naturally… Then try and find some reason on the show they’ve stopped watching, but often it’s just that things look worse after time away when the spark has started to fade because it’s not being nurtured in the same way any more. 

And 12 years is a LONG ASS TIME to be invested in something, so I think in general the fatigue or changing interests is all over the place and we might see it more and more as people drift… People who might watch it all as a catch up one day maybe a year or two after the show ends, but just don’t have the patience to stay in fandom and put in that energy over and over and over. 

Also the show is in a really weird place where it has some of the best writers it’s ever had in Berens and the newbie writers, and Dabb’s doing some fascinating things with the plot, but Buckleming are the executors of the story, in several interpretations of that phrase :P And there are people who skip MotW and find them unimportant or would judge the season on the plot, not the heart of the story… It’s a pretty precarious place, quality-wise. I think season 11 and 12 are a proper like, silver age revival of the MotW (with Nancy Won and Robbie giving last season a massive boost) where I think those episodes are really innovative and interesting, and the writers are being allowed a lot of freedom to play on THOSE canvases, but while the character development and *reasons* for the story have been fascinating and important, obviously 5 of the plot episodes this latest season were Buckleming and crucial to watch to know wtf was going on, even though the writers of those episodes seem to have such a terrible problem with hating the audience (literally, it’s in their scripts and off-screen comments), the genre, second drafts, common human decency towards characters and understanding why they’re important, pacing, you name it… :P So the show literally has 2 faces these days and depending on which one you see when you think of season 12, probably defines how you feel about the show as a whole and all that. I treat the plot episodes these days as a necessary evil between episodes written by people who actually like the show and care about it and its characters (see also: my non-stop sobbing about 12x22 since it aired)… But seeing the other face can really cast a cloud over the show and I’ve seen it make people wonder why the other writers even try. (I mean Perez did an incredible salvage job on Crowley in 12x15 only for it to immediately get yanked away again the next time BL wrote him and I think only they really got to play with him for the rest of the season, meaning all that work to make it seem important and thematically relevant that Perez had set up in 12x12 and messed with in 12x15 ended up being for nothing and Dabb had no time to do anything deep with Crowley, because 12x13 turns out to be the big Crowley & Rowena farewell episode, except for how it flubbed the entire premise of Grand Send Off Episode a la 7x10 or something despite all the ingredients being there…)

I am just rambling now so… Gonna hit post. Hope this makes sense :P This is just my interpretation of how people are feeling/how fandom as an entity seems to work, so it’s pretty subjective and others might feel very differently especially people who have been in negative echo chambers while I’ve built myself a reasonably positive one plus SENSIBLE and CONSTRUCTIVE wanky criticism that doesn’t go off the deep end :P

[elizabethrobertajones]

This is a random question but I've been wondering why John's death was so hard on Dean? Wouldnt dean have left more free because he didn't have to follow his dad's orders anymore. Or because he was Dean father, of course he would feel that way?

Eurgh, I managed to lose a very long answer here, so I’ll just give a sort of summary…

Season 2 for Dean is a nightmare of the double burden John left him by giving him the “Save Sam or kill him” order, followed immediately by trading his own life for Dean’s. This gives Dean a horrific obligation and probably a sense that John only brought him back to continue the job.

In season 2 he actually IS rebellious and angry about the burden, but carries on doing the job anyway - although resentfully and angrily. I think from Heart onwards are the first episodes he seems at all enthusiastic for the job - those final 3 MotW episode of the season show him slowly coming back to it.

However, 2x20 then comes with this epic metaphor for the obligation John left him, which translates to how he feels, so rather than scavenge up all the quotes from earlier in the season, here’s a case study:

DEANAll of them. Everyone that you saved, everyone Sammy and I saved. They’re all dead. And there’s this woman, that’s haunting me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what the connection is, not yet anyway. It’s like my old life is, is coming after me or something. Like it like it doesn’t want me to be happy. Course I know what you’d say. Well, not the you that played softball but… “So go hunt the Djinn. He put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness for all those people’s lives, no contest. Right?” But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom’s not supposed to live her life, Sammy’s not supposed to get married? Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? It’s… Yeah…

We’ve known that Dean’s core operating system - in the same way angels are later shown to be programmed to follow certain basic rules - is just “Saving people, hunting things.” If you break down season 1 it’s all Dean taking up the mantle of the family business (literally, by putting on John’s coat, figuratively by taking the journal and using it for further instructions to start with).

Here he questions why he has this burden and as he unloads this all to John’s grave, and directly accuses him that John would tell him the right thing to do (at least, not softball!John but the hunter Dean was raised by) would be to sacrifice this happiness for everyone, addressing the source of his burden, and need to save people and hunt things. 

(I love the filming on it because it has the same broken, overlapping camera work which is used in only a few other moments on the show which show real desperation and almost an appeal to a higher source - the first time is Dean after he loses Sam at the start of Born Under A  Bad Sign but more importantly, Jimmy yelling at Cas in 4x20 and the main parallel to this scene, I think, Cas appealing to God at the end of 6x20, and that parallel completely fucks me up when I watch 2x20 now :P) 

Anyway, Dean spends the start of season 2 completely fucked up by being brought back (the zombie episode and Crossroads Blues both look at his reaction to John’s deal) while the mytharc also focuses on his unwillingness to tell Sam John’s final message. He even suggests fucking off to Vegas rather than tell Sam, and I think there are several times he suggests they quit hunting throughout the season (Sam is determined to do what John wanted him to do and he never did while John was alive, in his own response to John’s death to willingly take on this burden, mostly because it was slightly less complicated than John asking him to :P)

I guess the other part of this would be 2x01; in 4x15 Dean tells Tessa that he hadn’t felt right after being resurrected and that he knew it was wrong and he should be dead, which plays out in season 2 without being a retcon, more like a textual statement clarifying these feelings.

I like the parallel between 2x01 and 2x20 of Dean talking to John where he can’t hear, once because John’s dead and once because Dean is currently basically dead. He won’t remember saying this, but:

JOHN is sitting by DEAN’S bed; DEAN STANDS NEARBY.

DEANCome on, Dad. You’ve gotta help me. I’ve gotta get better, I’ve gotta get back in there. I mean, you haven’t called a soul for help. You haven’t even tried. Aren’t you going to do anything? Aren’t you even going to say anything?(he starts walking around the bed)I’ve done everything you have ever asked me. Everything. I have given everything I’ve ever had. And you’re just going to sit there and you’re going to watch me die? I mean, what the hell kind of father are you?

The comment about giving everything is especially important to the feeling Dean might have when he comes back; even if he doesn’t remember saying this, this is how he feels at the time about John before he dies. John actually then does save Dean, but because of the manner of bringing him back by trading himself rather than it seeming a selfless gesture, instead it asks Dean to give even more of himself.

I think season 3, when Dean has finally given everything he has, and basically achieved what John told him to do, we then see Dean with the weight lifted, and he finally does feel free and out from under John’s orders. He finally made that huge gesture himself to save Sam, and completed the mission of revenge, and basically ticked off everything he ever had to do in 2x22. He’s free to die, in a way, and the borrowed time is just time to kick back and kick ass. He has his and Sam’s problem of unleashing a ton of demons on the world but that’s THEIR problem and not John’s, no longer directly under a burden he put on them. 

I once wrote this completely tangential post to this about Dean in season 2, which sort of did focus a little on Dean feeling a bit more free in season 2, but of course with the obvious catch that it’s a very fleeting feeling… But it was sort of inspired by the feeling of how Dean did have any of this going on at all? With John dead so Dean has a little space to express himself outside of those expectations…

http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/146708762873/elizabethrobertajones-im-really-quite-fond-of

(I think there were a few lengthy additions to that if you search the notes but I’m feeling lazy to just link that after all the drama I had losing this post once already :P)