#salvaged love

[physicalturian]

[18+] Salvaged Love - Hanma Shuji x F!Reader - Part 6

[The plot of this work follows previous works in this series] [She/Her pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] [Varied POV/chapter]

Words : 15 902

Playlist : link

Archiveofourown

Art that inspired : Link 1 - Link 2

Warnings : Reader-Insert // Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con // Canon-Typical Violence // Graphic Description // Graphic Description of Corpses // Dubious Ethics // Explicit Language // Blood and Injury // Violence // Torture // Dubious content

---

To expect a silent ride as I got inside Rindou’s car was foolish.

The moment we arrived, he slid into his seat and handed me a pack of wipes, “You’re not getting in looking like that, take it off.” He nodded towards the bloody apron that I had long since forgotten I was wearing. The mere sight of it had me feeling slightly disgusted, so I was fast to clean myself up and untie it from the back, letting it drop to the ground. Barely a second passed and the man had something new to interject, “I didn’t say to toss it like a cum sock, are you dumb? It’s great quality, you know, some stuff butchers use and shit.” He started rummaging through the glove compartment then pulled out an empty, wrinkled plastic bag, handing it to me in a rush.

“Hold it open, please.” I said as I folded the apron with difficulty. The texture was not the easiest to bend and even less to grasp with all the blood that had tainted it, but I managed to do so, and shoved it inside the plastic bag Rindou was holding. Once done, he tied it closed and plopped it in my lap, “If it leaks, you pay for cleaning.” He commented.

I huffed a short laugh, “Not with how much money you all probably have.”

“It’s out of principle–” He started, ready to explain something I definitely did not care much about.

I nodded dramatically, putting on my seatbelt. “Of course, yeah, you’re full of those, aren’t you? Principles. I’m sure you’re also big on values.” I looked up at him with a mischievous, if not mocking smile as he stared at me in disbelief for a moment before laughing. Silently, I was relieved he found amusement in my words, but the relief did not last long when I saw on the car’s display screen a message that read rather simply:

Q-tip ☠️: OK.

It did not take much to understand this was Hanma, the dryness in his text pattern giving him away. Rindou huffed at the notification before starting the car. My own phone vibrated as well and I was fast to look at the incoming messages.

H.: If they lay a hand on you, I’m gonna need you to cut it.

H.: Can’t believe my doll can’t say no to losers.

H.: If I had a say in this, I’d do them a “Ran”.

I’m sure he was laughing to himself at that. I knew what he meant, there was no need for an over-complicated explanation: kidnap, drug and torture. Although the latter never truly did happen.

H.: But.

H.: You decided to go there with them.

H.: Out of your own free will.

H.: Whatever happens, happens.

It was much more ominous than necessary, I was only getting a few drinks with them. Did I not need to show everyone I was not as insane as they painted me to be? He should be thanking me for helping him–

You’re trying to make him jealous, there is no thanking you.

Facing straight ahead, I ignored her. It was easy to do when I could focus on Hanma’s new texts.

H.: I’ll be home late but I better have you conscious

H.: Not passed out drunk

H.: If you’re drunk you won’t remember to keep track of the shit I gotta beat them up for

That’s new, I thought, reading his messages over and over again. Some emotion was clearly showing a lot more than usual here and it was such a rare sight, but a sight that I still longed for nonetheless. 

Or did I? 

Did I really crave it at this very moment when it was completely uncalled for? Was it better to have it when it was not needed rather than not having it at all? I did not know.

He replied.

H.: Text every hour.

That simple text felt off-putting. It was strange to see him act almost caringly, and yet I smiled. No matter how thrown-off I was right now, there was something in my body that was screaming, fighting for more of whatever this was—as if I had already lost any chance of getting him to show me affection and I was now craving it again.

Again?

I feared losing him. Why? These emotions were rooted in nothing, he hadn’t shown me anything but devotion all this time.

So why did I have such a fear?

I typed back.

Not thinking for more than a second, I sent it. “There is a lot of catching up to do with them, you know, after years of being treated like a pariah. Your act is cute though, unsure it’ll make up for all we went through.” Reading it over again, my eyes widened and only one thought crossed my mind: what the hell did I just say?

Quickly, I typed back.

Me: I don’t know why I said that

Me: Haha

Me: I’ll be careful

I pondered over my options for a second, weighing the pros and cons of adding to the already weird thread the rest of the rambles in my mind. The debate did not last long.

Me: But it’s

Me: Cute

Me: When you’re worried

Me: It’ll be okay, I’m just trying to fix my fuck-up so you don’t get more hate

Me: Not that I’m your knight in shining armor or anything

Me: But I’m not going to just do nothing

Me: What I’m saying is

Me: I’ll be fine.

With a quick glance at Rindou, whose eyes were fixed on the road, I replied once more to Hanma who had kept awfully silent since the beginning of my constant messaging.

Me: They’ve got nothing on you

Me: You are the only one for me.

H.: [image]

An audible gasp escaped my lips as I saw the photo he had sent me. Something inside me lit up at the sight, a mix of nostalgia and something much deeper, much stronger. It made a grin slowly creep on my face. Back then, I hardly would have believed it, had anyone told me I would be giddy at the sight of a dead hooker on the ground. And yet, something else was boiling inside me.

Then his text had it all blow up.

H.: You think I’m jealous?

There was a name to that feeling.

Ire.

Ire upon seeing her, because even dead, I couldn’t help but wonder how far he had gone. With his touches, his kisses, his words, his lies, all to try to get her to give him any sort of information. Those actions were reserved for me, only me, not her. Not anyone else.

Me: Glad she’s dead

The words were dry and yet, his interest was piqued.

H.: Yeah?

I started typing instantly but had to stop. I could not put it into words without sounding crazy, so I looked up at Rindou and hesitated a moment before asking him, “Say, how do I tell him that wherever that bitch touched him is foul, and dirty, and I need to touch him, feel him and make him understand that she was shit and–”

Rindou cut me off by holding up a hand towards me, a sign for me to stop. His eyes were wide from the little I had already told him, and for a split second I regretted saying anything. He shook his head, “How about… hello? Fuck, woman, you’re insane.” He sighed, a short pause before another louder sigh, “Let me think.” His eyes focused back on the road, a side glance thrown my way beforehand.

I decided he needed to know more about the situation and resumed, “I think he’s trying to make me jealous, which is working, except that I thought we were past that—the whole ‘whore pictures being sent while we’re both doing something different’, you know?” I took a deep breath and looked down at my phone once more, no new messages from Hanma.

“Yeah… uh? I don’t know, if that was me I’d wanna hear like… shit, I don’t know, both of you are insane anyway!” He then batted his eyes at me, clearly joking, “Let Poe possess you or whatever, let your heart speak or something.” He said the last part in a higher tone, mockingly, but who was he imitating? I had no idea.

Giving him a curt nod, I added a dry smile, “You’re useless, thank you for nothing.” With that, I let my fingers type anything that came to mind at this point.

Me: I have lots of thoughts on all the ways I’ll fuck you to get rid of HER

Me: can’t imagine what you did to get her to speak

Me: but I'll fuck it out of you

A beat.

He was typing once more. I had stepped out of my comfort zone, out of all of the boundaries of what I believed I was allowed to tell him. It had my heart beating so fast, I started feeling the tiniest bit dizzy. Maybe even nauseous. My body was colder than usual, I was nervous of his answer. Fearful, even.

H.: Haha

H.: Yeah?

H.: My girl’s possessive?

H.: But you’re not in charge.

H.: We’ll see when you get home

H.: And frankly? It’s too down bad of you to be jealous of a dead girl.

H.: Glad my doll’s still mine. It’s fun, you know? This little thing you’re doing.

Me: I’ll return the favor. We’ll see how much fun you have as the night goes on, Shuji

Me: 😛

Then I put the phone away. He had decided to make me jealous on purpose, sure. But now I wished he’d feel what I felt. He needed to understand me. I could regret fucking around. I could. Or I could not.

Looking up at Rindou, I grinned, “All good now, he’s cool with us getting a drink.”

The younger brother shrugged, “I very much doubt he is but I couldn’t care less—what I care about is knowing this, were you sexting that fucker right next to me?” Hearing his words, I froze and turned around to look at the road with an overly dramatic pout as I shook my head slowly, “Nah. Nah, I wouldn’t do that.”

He burst out laughing, “Get help, for real.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, you can all text your women during a meeting, but I can’t send fun stuff to my man while you’re driving?” I scoffed, a genuine smile on my lips at the light banter I was having with him. For all the time I had known him, and most of the executives, it was one of the rare times I had fun with any of them. Grabbing his phone, I skipped some songs and put the volume louder, “Fake ass.” I commented jokingly.

For a moment, I could ignore her in the backseat. It was much easier like this, music blasting and someone to push any thoughts of her away. But she never truly left.

Relief coursed through my body when, after about fifteen minutes, Rindou pulled up the car in front of a fancy-looking place. He handed his keys to a valet and gestured for me to follow, grinning like an asshole, “What, never saw a valet? There’s no way I’m taking hours trying to park this baby.” He tilted his head to the side in a condescending manner. It made me click my tongue against my teeth as I gave him a deadpan look. He pursed his lips, “Come on, don’t give me that look, you’ll get used to the fancy stuff.”

“I’d rather not get used to valets, it’s too snobbish for my taste.” I said, joining him as he stopped in front of the glass door of a well-renovated building. Just by the sight of it, I knew that shit was elitist, but those places knew how to handle things. The bodyguard would probably send away anyone not dressed suitably enough for the high exclusivity of the place, or people that were certainly in immense debt from showing off more money than they really had. But here? He did not check me for anything, no name, no weapon—nothing.

I watched his eyes linger only barely on Rindou, which was enough to show he had recognized him. If not by his tattoo, there were surely more things to identify him, with what people would have gathered from gossiping. For just a short moment, I debated making myself small so I would not be stopped, but there was no time for that, I was part of Bonten as much as anyone.

With my chin held high, I entered the place and immediately felt the change in the air as people seemed to be all too aware of us—no, not us, I reminded myself. Just Rindou. 

I wondered.

People must have recognized his status from the tattoo, which in the long-run would not work enough for me because, realistically, what could I do? Lift my shirt every time I enter a place to show I was an executive? No. I could do better, I needed something to be known for.

A reputation would help.

Another man we walked past gave me a once over and stopped at my face—no, not my face, the side of it. It was just for a few seconds, but I was too conscious of myself in this place to miss it.

The earring.

His earring.

Even now, alone, without him here, I was simply his.

I liked it. I loved him. But there was this sense of self that I was losing in the process of only being acknowledged as The Reaper’s girl. My fingers grazed the jewelry gently, slowly, so delicately I held back a chuckle at how it contrasted all that had happened earlier. 

What had happened earlier? What happened today? I couldn’t remember it all, only some flashes of a memory, but it seemed that I had left a man on the floor. It was all fuzzy and very blurry. I knew Koko and Rindou had been there with me, but what would it look like if I started asking them for help to clear up my mind?

As I followed Rindou further in the dark room, we reached an area further in the back that had a nice round table, on one side a crescent-shaped bench split in two and on the other two beautiful chairs with soft cushions and armrests.

“Look what my brother dragged in, the crazy bitch!” Ran exclaimed, his arms resting on the back of the bench seats. His words broke me out of my daydreaming, Rindou spoke before I could, “Listen, I don’t like the bitch much, but she has potential.” He pushed me forward, presenting me like a gift, almost making my leg hit the table, “Don’t you? Tell ‘em what you did, it was super fun, right?” He then moved around the table to sit by Sanzu’s side with a huff and his huge asshole smile. I stood in front of them feeling hopeless and put on the spot, Ran to the right, Sanzu in the middle and Rindou, who had just joined in on the left.

My mouth felt dry, so dry that no words came out and I had a hard time swallowing—for some reason, this entire situation felt like I was being bullied by the mean girls in high school, which I could not let slide. I did not remember much of what I had done, but I could fake it, so I straightened my back and huffed a laugh, “Bring some refreshments,” I said with a mocking tone, “I’m not the jester that’s going to give you entertainment, so I’ll sit down, we’ll get some drinks, and then we will talk, good?” It was only as I pulled up a chair, not wanting to sit next to them, that I noticed how few people were around us; we were much further back than the escorts and rich men at the very front.

Simply calling it a ‘VIP section’ was embarrassing given the look of the place, even more so knowing there was no delimited area that would make one believe so. It was just an unspoken rule of sorts. People seemed to know not to sit in the back, nor to look over here either. Only a few of them dared to steal furtive glances our way as they would pretend to reach for something in their bags or their coat pockets, or even as they would call for the waiters. A few seconds was all they allowed themselves to gaze over.

Finally, as I sat, I caught Ran’s gaze and rolled my eyes before he could speak, “Should you fear for your drink? Yes, but only if you can’t let go of the past—no, because, you know, I am a changed woman.” I paused, leaning on the table, “We’ve both grown, you and I, is it that hard to–”

Ran was still pissed off. Granted, his anger was founded, but it was more than a year ago now, how petty could he be? He interrupted me and huffed, “I’ll keep an eye out anyway.”

With a heavy sigh, I ran a hand over my face, “Well, I won’t do shit to your drink, but it’s your call!” I then looked at Rindou and clasped my hands in front of me, “Drinks then! Let your paranoid brother get his own drink himself, I will show good faith and let you order for me.” I gave him a short smile, which fell rapidly when the younger brother mimicked my position and leaned on the table himself, fist against his cheek, “You’re paying then?”

I had little to no energy to feel called out or embarrassed. These men were loaded, of course I had no intent to pay. They knew that and I knew that, but they were also dicks and the only way to pay them back in the same coin was to play to their weaknesses. I smirked, “Oh, need mommy to get your stuff? Wanna get spoiled?” I asked mockingly, a fake pout on my lips as I pleaded, for more theatrics. It had Sanzu laughing as he watched the scene unfolding in front of him.

The Haitanis were not talking, so I continued. This time, I gestured like I was going to tell them a secret, my hand half covering my mouth as if I was whispering into their ears but everyone could hear. It was all for fun. At least I was having fun, “Rin, you should have told me it was hard financially, but I’m feeling generous.” To make it even more believable, I reached out for my wallet only to have Rindou shove my hand back inside the bag, “That’s not how it’s fucking done.” He sighed, glancing at the two other men.

The three men got their wallets out and then tossed their cards onto the plate in the middle of the table—so this was what it was used for? I was convinced it was for cocaine. I was not going to join them on their little wealth show-off, although it made sense for them not to openly debate who would pay. Relying on chance and the innocent hand of the waiter was much more logical.

Unbothered by their paying off my share, I gasped jokingly, “Here I thought chivalry was dead!” with a short pause, I resumed, “I will take whatever drink, as long as it’s not roofied.” I winked at Ran who mumbled something under his breath. I was probably pushing the joke too far, but I had no idea what to talk about with them, maybe I was just panicking.

Rin raised his hand to call the waiter over, which made me realize I would have been stupid enough to think they would have gone to the bar to order and grab their orders. This did not look like just any random bar, and if some would have found it polite for the people inviting you to get your drinks, they did not do those things. They did diplomacy at certain times, but they also mainly did demonstrations of status—their reputation allowed them a great many things, amidst them some freedoms which they did not take. I was certain they could be the worst people if they wanted to, but had an amount of decency that kept them somewhat humble.

Surely, if someone rubbed them the wrong way they would make themselves heard, but until then, they would just be treated like royalty in silence.

As we watched the waiter walk away with our order in mind, Rindou was the first to talk, “So, Ran, how many old hags are gonna be drooling over your ass at that gay ball?”

Ran raised a brow, “Is it gay ‘cause Koko’s throwing it or…” He joked, making everyone but myself laugh. I hadn’t yet got accustomed to their humor and I was starting to understand it was as low as it could get. I even found myself wishing I could have made this up, just to spare me the disappointment of finding out that no matter their status in the world, men would remain just that: men.

“I would think his looks are too eclectic for old women.” I commented, getting Sanzu to hum as he took his drink from the tray the waiter brought. As he put the glass down, he nodded at me, “You’d be surprised—no, cause I’m also surprised, have you seen the man?”

I gave Ran a good look, taking a sip from my own drink, shrugging, “Objectively, he isn’t shabby, you know? Now, here,” I tapped my head with my index finger, hinting at his personality, “is where it gets ugly.” It had him seething, it was quite enjoyable to see. What would he do? Throw a fight in public? I grinned and added, “But hey, they wouldn’t find out for one night, right?” Ran’s lack of laughter at my unsavory comment made the two other men laugh even more, they were thriving on his misery, at least to some extent.

The short-haired man leaned back in his seat, glass in hand as he raised it towards me, “It has to do with my charm, my charisma, maybe even my poise.” He gave me a side glance, his eyes traveling over my form only slightly before meeting my eyes again, his finger raised from the glass to point at me, “Not that you would know much about any of this.”

I took offense.

“Arrogance and being born with a silver spoon in your mouth must play in your favor with wealthy grandmas, right?” I then shook my head, clenching my jaw in annoyance only slightly as I theatrically thought hard before smiling, “No, wait, wait, it’s on the tip of my tongue, there’s a word that…” I stuck my tongue out, muttering inarticulately before exclaiming, “Ah, yes! Privilege! That’s what best describes you.” And it was what lost me points with Rindou too, pointing fingers at his brother meant pointing fingers at him. I hardly knew anything about their past, but I knew they were born from wealth, whatever happened afterwards must have been the byproduct of their greed and need to rebel.

Clasping my lips together, I drank some more and raised my brows, looking around, “So do we have some games here or is it just gossiping like bitter old people?”

Rin’s smile grew, “Both.”

I was not stupid enough to not realize the tension I had brought, but there was no apologizing to be done, they did not care for such things. Instead, I hummed while thinking, “Blackjack? Poker?” I was starting to grow bored, but I needed to get along with them. They shouldn’t be too bad, I could prove to them I was still socially apt—I needed to show Hanma I could have fun without him while he was around having fun with whores for show.

Sanzu downed the rest of his drink and nodded before raising a hand to call for someone. A beautiful woman hurried to the table and leaned in, I could read on his lips “Bring some fun.” She then nodded and walked away as fast as she came—my eyes trailed on her for a moment, not even attempting to gauge how stressed she must be. She hid it well, not one misstep, not one mistake, she spoke to someone in the back who disappeared before coming out with a small table.

The pink-haired man nudged my foot, “You into girls too?” he said with a huge smile.

“I’m taken, does it really matter?” I said with a sigh, wincing when he nudged me harder, “Yeah, it matters! Everyone needs to know if you’re into pu–” There was no need for his vulgarity, really, but they were too close as friends to not be comfortable speaking with each other like that. With ‘providers’ or ‘clients’ they would be eloquent, not here though. “She is very cute, but I was watching mostly in awe at how she was dealing with you both.”

Leaning back in his seat, Sanzu gave me a pitying look, his arms draping on the back of the cushions, “It’s insane how badly that fucker got inside your head, everyone’s in the wrong but him, right?” He stated, a growing smile on his lips. I frowned for a second, my hand gripping my thigh in anger but I did not break eye contact, instead, I hummed, “I can easily recall all the crazy shit I was put through because of–”

“Because of him, really. Thought you’d know by now. Every errand you were ever sent on went through him first, part of some whatever elaborate fucking scheme, I’d imagine. Mikey always lets it happen ‘cause your man’s not as unimportant as he wants everyone to believe.” He continued, nodding at the waitress that came by, placing a beautiful ornate tray with white powder on it before bowing and getting out of the way once more. Sanzu raised a finger, gesturing that he needed a moment before he could go on. He used one of the cards in the middle of the table to draw four perfect lines on the tray before sniffing one; he then pushed the tray over to Rindou as he resumed, “Mikey’s had enough though, he doesn't like the fucker having him by the balls much. The Reaper’s pet project’s gonna have to come to an end, he should be reminded that you’re Bonten’s, not his.” He brushed off some leftovers from under his nose and grinned at me.

I could feel myself growing angrier and yet part of me could not believe he was lying, instead it felt all too real. I couldn't help but slightly fear what they would do more, other than breaking Hanma and I apart. I would not let it happen. I would not let them continue on that stupid topic.

The tray had passed by Ran, who then handed it to me with boredom in his eyes as I grabbed it with bitterness, unsure why I did what I did. After telling Shiho time and time again not to touch that shit, I brought the tray to my face and blocked one of my nostrils, snorting the rail Sanzu had prepared. I handed him back the tray and glared, “Always these talks about belonging, Bonten, The Reaper, the streets—it’s all the same, isn’t it? I don’t have much choice where the fuck I end up. It almost feels like this sense of independence is fake.” I scoffed, holding back a smile when the three men seemed slightly surprised not by my words, I was aware, but by the fact I had indeed taken them up on their offer.

“If my custody’s going to change, I say we should have one last fun night before it all goes to shit, yeah?” I grabbed their cards between my fingers and shook my head, tutting, “No more drinks, mixing’s bad.” Waiters finally brought a fully set poker table over, which I thanked them for as one of them stayed behind. He placed himself behind the table where the dealer’s spot would be. I gave him a strange look then faced back the other men at the table, “One great, entertaining, not-stereotypical rich people game of poker, then I have plans for us.” I said with a grin. I was all too bold with my words and my attitude right now, I almost reminded myself of Shiho, but it did not matter.

Rindou nodded, “Oh yeah, I’m in, the bar’s high though. Better make it count.”

“If Rin’s in, I’m in.” Ran rolled his eyes but couldn’t hide the stupid smile on his lips upon seeing his brother this excited for this. They were a pair, a duo meant for drama and insanity. Sanzu’s smile widened, “I’m all for—huh, shit how did she put it…” He seemed to think for a while, dragging his words before pulling his phone out and looking at something, “Teenaged girlies night out?” He said in a confused tone, most likely quoting something Shiho told him. A loud snort escaped my nose as I barked a laugh, “Definitely that!” I exclaimed.

The three men gave me a judgmental look that I ignored as the dealer handed us our cards and I couldn’t help the smile on my lips at the thought of Shiho. Frankly, it was all too stereotypical to play poker on a night out, boring too, but if I had to go through that to have free reign on what to do next, then I would.

The Haitani brothers were more the gaslighting type, reacting too much or too little on purpose, which was the goal, but they also seemed to give each other looks to help one another. Sanzu however was good at this. He kept a deadpan, straight face. I played the first-time-playing card, which was a lie, but it sure was fun to see them all very confident in their games when they ‘knew’ what I had, from my ‘reactions’ that gave away everything.

It took way too long for one game however, long enough for the effect of the initial high to wane off. Long enough for Sanzu and Ran to fold, while Rindou and I stared at each other, trying to guess one another’s next move while debating what to do next at the same time.

Raise or fold? Raise… or fold.

“Raise.” I said, adding half my chips and giving Rindou a tight smile.

He seemed taken aback by my action which, in all fairness, I understood since I also surprised myself by doing that. I was not one to play poker in the first place, even less with these very specific men, not that they were that bad as people but they were not my friends. I do recall playing one time with Shiho. I think we had other people with us, but I don't recall anyone that really struck me as important and so it was quite quickly erased from my memory. 

I even started doubting my memory. Sometimes I would remember things that I was certain happened—except that they didn't. I suppose I had to blame that on my very vivid dreams, those dreams that I have been having for quite a while now, the very ones that seemed so real, horrific, traumatizing. 

But now was not the time to think back on those, I had in front of me a Haitani brother sweating, panicked, out of his wits. I really enjoyed the sight. 

I knew who else would enjoy the sight, Shiho—if she was here, she would have been laughing her ass off at the sight of the brother in front of me. I only played poker a few times with her but I knew she was good at it, or at least she is good at leading people on, meaning that I'm sure she would have won against those three men. 

But she was not here.

I was. 

I was the one who was forced to work with these three men. In some way, I was happy that she was not here because it meant she was safely tucked away, not forced to partake in this show-off of a lifestyle. In all honesty, I never really wondered if I would ever get used to this, but I think it should not be too hard to start to like luxury. I deserved it. I had worked my part so I deserved that, the money, the fancy restaurants, everything—even better: they owed it to me for ruining my life. 

Maybe I couldn't really say that they ruined my life because I couldn’t really blame them for all of this; after all, it all started with Hanma, and I wanted to thank him for coming into my life because he made me happy. So maybe they just owed me for traumatizing me and for making me kill people—ah, and also for ruining any chances I had at being a good person? 

I paused my train of thought.

Or maybe they didn't owe me anything… maybe I enjoyed this way too much for it to be a punishment, to be something I regretted.

Enjoyed it? 

I did.

I did enjoy this.

I enjoyed having them look at me annoyedly. I enjoyed them making me think I was not worth anything, because if they thought that, it only pushed me to go further and further—it only pushed me to break the limits, to show them what I could do, to show them I can be like them.

I could be worse than them.

Yeah, I could be worse than them, but even then, being worse than them would be the moment they would consider me as merely an equal. Which was funny, I suppose. That even if I was smarter, or more than them on any level, I would only be considered at best an equal. Never better. So I will become smarter, I will become more efficient, I will become something that Mikey can rely on, because the moment he relied on me, I would be worth something. 

The pieces were coming together.

It was not the time for me to be thinking about this. It had only been a few seconds since I was lost in thought, but I was still gauging the situation. Losing or winning did not matter, what did matter was seeing Rindou pissed off. What also mattered was seeing all these men turn angry upon losing against someone who had barely played this game, even better, to know that they had lost to a woman.

The expressions that would adorn their faces would be so beautiful.

Rindou looked at me and smiled as he said, “Raise.”

He was quite fast to collect himself, but so was I. He could be bluffing, I believed he was, and I trusted the cards I had in hand. Rindou shook his head, “No, not raise. All in.” The look on his face was the one of a maniac, nothing like even the one Sanzu would often bear, and I would have been scared of losing, potentially, had Rindou not been acting.

I could be wrong. He could be bluffing, but I only had one option, so I followed my gut. Mimicking him, I pushed my chips forward at the center of the table and held his gaze before giving him a small smile, “All in it is!”

His eyes widened, had he expected me to fold? Let me laugh. All that was now left was to show our cards and I did so with pride and arrogance—Rindou’s hand was nothing like mine, he had lost.

Wrapping my arms around the chips, I gave him a short bow, “Thank you for this very entertaining game, I would assume everything will be taken care of and I won’t need to do shit, yes?” I asked, addressing the men around the table, dealer included. The men I knew personally seemed bothered, because of course, had Rindou won, they would have been ecstatic. Instead, I earned some eye rolls and disdain.

Rindou stood up and grabbed his vest, looking back at me with a short grin as he said, “Well then! Let’s go? I think our girl had some plans—but hey, since you just received your first big money, you’re going to pay for your plans, okay?”

The dealer left with everything, some people helping him carry it all as we stood up. I heard Sanzu mutter something to Ran and turned around to see he had bent to the tray once more for more rails of coke. Catching me glancing at them, they raised a brow and pointed at the tray, then at me.

Did I want more? The effects I felt had long since dissipated, but…

Do you really want to anger him? He told you specifically not to do those things.

Why did it matter? He should be mad, I wanted him mad, filled with so much pent-up anger that he would need an outlet for it all, and I would be that for him.

A short nod is what I gave them before leaning in and sniffing a badly done line. I felt a hand on my head as I did so. A gentle ruffle from the hand that remained on top of my head as I straightened my back, then I heard Rindou say, “Good girl, see, you can have fun.”

Quickly, I slapped his hand away and gave him a side glance, “Yeah, don’t do that. Thank you.”

“I have plans, if any of you care.” I said once we were outside the club and ready for the night to continue. Ran sighed loudly, “Why do you think we’re outside? Just talk.”

Excited, I grinned and pointed at the four of us in a circle, “We are going to have a challenge, each other—”

“You’re the most challenged, Rin, you won, what’s next?” Ran said, taking a drag from his cigarette, the hint of a smirk in the corner of his lips. His brother did not hold back when punching him, both of them laughing in the aftermath while Ran finished smoking and stepping on the butt he had dropped on the ground. “Rin-rin, you’re dead.” He laughed, blood trickling from his nose.

Sanzu stepping between them was enough to deter both brothers who laughed even more upon having to be stopped. Somehow, their laughter was contagious and I found myself holding back a smile as I continued, “We’re going to have to find more coke—or any drugs for that matter, the organic way, okay?” They seemed confused, so I gestured for them to wait a moment as I found a better way to express myself. I started pointing my fingers one by one as I said, “You all have a reputation, we are going to be lowkey tonight, without going to people or selling spots you know. We are going to have to get our hands on something.”

They seemed intrigued, so I continued, “So we will call each other, cameras on, once we get the goods. The first one to get their hands on something wins.”

Sanzu chuckled, “Yeah? And what’s the prize?”

Shushing him, I added, “Wait, wait. Rule also is you only have a 5-block radius, we know this area is super fancy so you’re bound to find some shit.” I paused and smiled, “The prize is… huh, it’s–”

Rin wrapped an arm around my shoulders, “I think it’s fun enough like this, if a prize is needed we’ll claim it, don’t you worry.”

“Okay?” I slid away from his grasp and gestured for them to pull out their phones, “Rindou, can you create a group chat real quick? It’ll be better for when we do find it—you’re fast, damn.” I muttered the last part under my breath when I received the notification of the new conversation that had popped on my screen.

“Alright, we split, bye.” I quickly said before walking away not fast enough to look suspicious, but fast enough to feel embarrassed about it, at least to some extent. The neighborhood was familiar, the moment we turned into the street in Rindou’s car I had recognized it, so I rushed to a place where I was sure to find sellers. It felt wrong to be back at that place after all this time—ever since that Halloween I hadn’t returned here.

The almost rape that had happened by that asshole of a cope, or the weird moment I had had at the time with Hanma in the alley, both seemed to be valid reasons to avoid this place. I suppose also when the cops brought me to the hospital thinking Shuusuke was my boyfriend and that I cared. Maybe that was one of the turning points.

All of these seemed good enough to argue my lack of return here.

What ultimately tossed these to the side for now was my need to show off and to belong. So, with a newfound confidence, I straightened my back and stepped inside the building only to get stopped by security. Taking a deep breath, I gave the man a slow once-over and met him dead in the eyes, “Not to flash you or anything, but–” I was about to show him my tattoo when a hand interrupted me and Ran’s voice rang, “She’s with me.”

The guard let us pass and I almost stomped away from Ran, had it not been for him grabbing my arm. “Come on, crazy frog, you were speeding down that path so fast I almost didn’t catch you. You don’t have to run like that.” He said with a smirk.

“I do believe this is a competition,” I snatched my arm from his hand, “Thank you for helping me get in, you really, really didn’t have to.”

He raised both his hands in fake defense and laughed, “Shit, you’re mad, I wonder what that’ll look like—you know, if when you’re desperate you drug people, then if you’re mad, what? You’ll kill ‘em?”

“I would have laughed, I swear, I just missed the cue.” I stated with a straight expression.

He stared me dead in the eyes, silent, the music blasting in the background being the sole thing we could hear. Then he huffed a laugh. Small, but noticeable. I matched it then looked around, maybe proud that he had let me in a little after all the time I’d spent trying to get back on his semi-good side.

“You can un-leech yourself from me now, I’ll do my thing, you do yours–” I started before two guys stood up from the bar and made their way towards us. Had my mind not been ringing an alarm bell upon seeing their faces, I would have been laughing at how comical they looked, one walking much faster than the other while the calmer one tried to hold him back. But why did they seem familiar? My entourage was rather limited, and I hardly could imagine I knew anyone from work that would hang around these parts.

Work—it was about work, the dots were connecting, but not fast enough. The angrier man tried to swing at me, only for Ran to grab his arm and knee it at the elbow. Before he could scream in pain, Ran covered the man’s mouth. Two security guards were instantly at our side, grabbing the second man and following the Haitani brother as he dragged his struggling victim out of sight.

I couldn’t hear anything of what these two strangers were saying, but Ran met my gaze and gestured for me to follow him. I don’t know why, but I did it without a second thought, maybe because my mind was still scanning for any flash of remembrance about these two men. As we crossed the main room to reach a back one, I was lost in thought.

Work—two men, why would they be angry? Why would they be here? Nothing specific happened at this date ever, it was not an anniversary of anything. No, something must have happened at some point. Work… here… last time these two places were connected, I was here with–

Me! I’m sure you’re coming to the conclusion fast enough.

Closing my eyes for a moment to compose myself, I followed Ran through the crowd, ignoring her. Halloween night? Dread filled me in an instant. That night, it had been Rai, her boyfriend Kei, Shiho who had long since slipped away and met Sanzu for the very first time—I was there too, and a random man that had so little impact on the night, I had forgotten about him. I couldn’t picture his face, I had barely glanced at him. This was not the moment for that, I needed to remember if it was him.

Not enough time was allowed for me to think further than that as Ran grabbed my arm and dragged me inside a room, grumbling something under his breath before slamming the door shut and letting out a loud sigh. “Usually I’d let our men take care of two shit-stirrers like you, but this is deeper than that—you are tied to her, right?” He said, pointing at me, a huge grin on his face.

“I didn’t do shit, don’t point fingers at me.” I stated in annoyance while all too aware that one of these men was familiar.

The angry one seemed ticked off by my words as he laughed maniacally, his hand reaching for the gun at his waist before his friend stopped him. I did not have my gun, and Ran seemed unreactive or not scared enough to care, so I thanked the man, “Keep your friend in check, I have no idea what he is talking about.”

“Oh yeah, of course, of course you don’t—yes you fucking do! Shuusuke, Kei, you know them! I don’t have enough proof yet, but you’re the one responsible for all of it!”

And maybe I shouldn’t have spoken the following thoughts out loud, maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, but I did not. Instead I shook my head, “Credit where credit goes, I sure took care of officer Hansuke, but Kei was not my dutiful work.”

Before a silence could settle I gasped, “You’re Aoto! I think Rai mentioned you somehow at some point too, she said you would easily get angry but hmm—he has a good heart, very reliable.” I said. Ran looked at me strangely for a second and not any longer, if anything he was giving me the floor to deal with the situation so I did. I looked around the room, trying to find any weapon and I wondered why there were close to none. It seemed stupid, but when I walked past the men, for some reason I knew Aoto would not grab me. He didn’t, he seemed too confused. His composure had long since dissolved, perhaps since the moment he had seen me enter the club.

Rummaging through the desk in the room, I kept talking, “But the big fella I don’t know—not that it matters, I think my question is why are you both here?” There it is.

Aoto replied, “For payback.”

Without thinking, I clicked my tongue against my teeth and gave them both a grimace as I closed the drawers and shook my head, “Now that’s a bit silly, don’t you think Ran?” I asked, watching his bored expression lock on my face as he blinked slowly before leaning against one of the shelves and crossing his arms. Giving me a smirk, he mimicked zipping his mouth shut, tilting his head to the side before extending his hand forward in a welcoming manner, as if to tell me to do this on my own, to do as I pleased.

Was he lazy or did he trust me?

Was it a test or was I finally being valued?

“Ouchie, now that is bad for both of you. I usually confer with someone before acting, but if it’s just me—I’ll give you my two cents, okay?” I asked lightly.

Aoto, who was still standing, suddenly rushed towards me, “I don’t fucking care, you killed them both–” Sharp. Not enough. It did the trick, though. One, two, three droplets on the floor and it wasn’t stopping. I could feel the blood dripping down the scissors and onto my fingers. As I tried to shove them further inside his stomach, my fingers felt around the wound and my eyes widened.

“What if I did this?” I breathed out. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Ran keeping the taller man back from coming towards me and even within the few seconds of our gazes locking, I hoped he had understood I was thanking him. If I did not have to worry about the other one, I could do whatever with Aoto. And I did—pulling the scissors out, I shoved my fingers inside the two holes and pressed hard, making him grimace as he bent over in pain, screaming, swearing and grunting.

It was so fascinating to see how I could make him feel more pain than sharp metal inside his body.

Humming, I waited a few seconds then leaned over to his ear and asked, “When’s payback starting?” Before he could react, I had pulled back and kneed him in the nose, “From what I understand, you’re a loose string, Mister Aoto—and I don’t like that much, I cut my loose strings.”

He let out a pained scoff, “We’re close to getting the camera feed back from the hospital, you’re going down–”

Swift, rough. Efficient.

The closed pair of scissors entered from under his chin and came out from his open mouth as blood poured in a steady stream from it, eyes wide in horror.

“Not to mansplain or anything, but you already told me all that I needed to know, so why would I keep you alive? That was a big mistake on your part and…” I tossed the scissors on the floor before pushing him down. He fell with a mute thud as his friend was still being held back, Ran’s hand clasped on his mouth. “And I think we can blame this on your being hysterical, you know? You came for me, all angry, you let your emotions take control, that was embarrassing—your friend tried to keep you in check, but…” I continued with a tense smile to the tall man that was pleading with his eyes. My gaze flickered from the body on the floor to the weapon, to my bloody hands—what have I done?

Suddenly, I was speaking more, “But your friend should die too, he saw too much and you know how it goes—the more witnesses, the more they might have this hero complex and want to take justice in their own hands.” I paused and grabbed the scissors back from the floor, “We don’t want that.” Seeing the stains on the floor, I felt sorry for whoever would have to clean this up later, but I was quick to focus back on the restrained man in the room.

“Picture me giving you a big speech, I don’t really want to do that right now. Plus, who knows, maybe you’re bugged–” 

The man interrupted me in a soft tone, “Thank you.”

I stopped dead in my tracks and glanced at Ran in confusion. He shrugged in response.

“Aoto would come here every night, hoping he would see you again or the other girls that were there with you–” He choked on some tears and gave me a huge smile, “You ruined him, you know? I lost him that night—when you sent Shuusuke to the hospital.” 

Interrupting him in return, I gripped his jaw tight, “I did not do that, I accompanied him there. Get your facts straight,” Laughing, I dug my fingers further inside his cheeks and never unlocked my gaze from his, “And it was well deserved too. Seems like those who enforce the law are the most unresponsive to it, don’t you think?”

I took a few steps back and put the back of my hand on my forehead dramatically, “No, please stop!” Then met his gaze, “So he continued.”

“No to racism!” I mimicked someone holding a sign then met his gaze, “And yet they’re so fucking keen on beating up people a different skin tone than them!”

About to continue my point, I stopped and watched as Ran snapped the man’s neck without thinking much about it and dropped him on the floor, giving me a weirded out look, “That was embarrassing to watch, maybe don’t do theatrics like that. What would you do if the last thing you saw was a bitch giving you the whole ‘all cops are bad’ speech?”

Slowly, Ran sat down and I followed his movements by sliding into one of the seats myself, letting out a long sigh. “You’re right.”

He smiled proudly and I immediately added, “Which I will only say this one time—the moment he mentioned Shiho and Rai, I guess I took it personally and–”

Our phones rang at the same time, cutting me off in my rant that I realized was not aimed at the right person. If I had to talk about this with someone it would be Shiho or Hanma, why was I trying to talk about my feelings to Ran Haitani out of everyone in this world? I let out a scoff and grabbed my phone, pulling myself together just from that.

“Ah, so he renamed the group chat—Team Rindou?”

Ran laughed loudly as he exclaimed, “Yeah, fucker was fast to get his hands on some shit—not just any good stuff.” He trailed off, zooming on the picture Rindou had sent in the groupchat, a woman in his lap as he dangled a little pack of powder in front of the camera. The picture that followed was with all the other different drugs on a table, probably a party he had managed to get invited to—no, it was not just any party.

“Dude, he for real is in the main room. That’s the table of this place, that’s–” I stood up and opened the door to see him in the corner of the room with a few girls around him, “I guess we all had the same idea.” I muttered under my breath.

A text popped on the screen as Sanzu told us he was on his way here since he was not going to stay in the streets if the game was over. It was getting late, so I was confused as to why he was not just going back home, but I followed along as Ran pushed me out of the room, his hand on my lower back. I quickly shoved it away, feeling the touch so foreign on my body that it made me feel unsafe. Jokingly, I said, “Get your dirty hands off me.” 

To which he countered, “Look at your own hands then say that again, yeah?”

“You don’t like my aesthetic?” I asked comically.

He gave me a weird look, “Just go wash your hands and keep your mouth shut, it’s insane how much you talk for jack shit.”

With a roll of my eyes, I left his side and got to the bathroom where a few women were already queuing. Waiting at the end of the line, I felt the warm air coming from behind—from the alleyway where so much had happened almost two years ago. I held back from looking that way, knowing it would not help with my current state but when I heard my name being called, I could not help but look over at the open door. 

The sound was repeated.

Almost like a whisper.

Not a whisper, no… a pained moan.

Don’t go looking for it. Shit, I was exhausted.

“Are you waiting too?” I heard someone ask, bringing me back from my lost thoughts.

Nodding, I quickly stepped ahead, noticing the queue was gone, and entered the bathroom.

The light was too bright, and the dull buzzing of the music did not help one bit with the growing headache I now realized I had. Blinking slowly, I watched my reflection and squinted to see what was on my face—I leaned over a bit and noticed a few droplets of blood on my forehead. Making a grossed-out expression, I dunked my hands under the water and scrubbed them clean before doing the same on my face. I couldn’t be more grateful for the other women in the restroom that were chatting loud enough to drown out any upcoming thoughts. 

It was almost nostalgic.

Like that fateful night, the one where everything started to go downhill. Were there any signs that I was going to go this far for him? So far that all I could do now was live for him? I chuckled to myself, daydreaming as I pictured our time in this bathroom with Shiho and the girls.

The girls, Aiko and Rai were more closed off to all of this, but they were trying to have fun. Rai was the one who was trying to pretty herself up for that cop, she wanted to flirt more and have him as hers. Shiho had tried her best to hype her up, but with the little confidence Rai had, I’m not sure it–

Are you done?

I huffed a laugh, I was not even allowed to remember the good times. She would make sure of that.

I said, are you done?

Turning around to look at Rai, I rolled my eyes, “Why is it that the moment I’m alone you talk to me? I said get the fuck out of my head!” I went to push her, expecting her to disappear but as I did, and felt my hands hitting shoulders, her face changed into that of a stranger who was in shock—I immediately stepped back and apologized, “Shit, sorry. No, I didn’t mean it, I–”

“Damn, I just needed to use the sink, girl, you’ve been at it for 10 minutes?!” She exclaimed, shoving me aside in annoyance as she went about her life. Mumbling another apology, I rushed out of the room after drying my hands and shook my head, in disbelief of what I had done. To try to forget about whatever happened, I pushed my way to where I found the three men sitting. Sanzu scooted to the side a bit to make some room for me to sit between him and Rindou, patting the seat, with Ran sat next to his brother. The scarred man had his arms on the back of the couch spread wide, imposingly, sending the message he would not be bothered tonight and that no one should come by. They looked cozy like this, almost as if they were winding down in a big group hug on this couch and they were, for some reason, inviting me in. 

“What did you do with the girl you were hooking up with, Rindou?” I asked, leaning back and getting grounded in the surroundings, starting the conversation somehow.

“She’s not dead, that’s for sure.” He said, making everyone laugh, then added, “All good things come to an end, unfortunately, I gave her my number, she had to go home.” He moved his phone towards me and mumbled something about needing us all to take a quick pic. Once we did, he sighed dramatically, his head hitting the back of the seat with a breathy laugh. Looking at his phone, Sanzu let out a dry laugh and pushed the device in my hands, showing me a text that read ‘Where are you, I’m picking her up.’ He then proceeded to type while talking, “Looks like you’re past curfew, little girl.”

“It’s whatever.” I sounded exactly as he had put it, like a child. Throwing a tantrum and pissed off at Hanma. Before any of them could speak, I was outraged and let my head hit the back of the seat and fit into the crook of Sanzu’s arm too; looking at the dangling light on the ceiling, I ran my hands through my hair and let out a long sigh, “I don’t want to see him after he tried to make me jealous like that—with a hooker?!”

Ran was the first to speak, “Ain’t that your shit, though? Both messed up with weird ways of flirting.”

I scoffed, “I just don’t get it, is he insecure or something cause I keep receiving weird advances and–”

Rindou tilted his head to the side to try to give me a weirded out look, “Are you saying ‘God, everybody wants me, it’s so hard’?”

My face heated up for a moment. Ran had wanted me. Rindou kept being flirtatious, for a while I thought even Koko could be into me too—was I being… “Yeah, you’re delusional.” Ran stated.

“Fact of the matter is, no one wants you. No one wants him either. I’m sure none of us have any idea why you are both so possessive over each other.” Sanzu explained, both brothers nodding along. Rindou was close to adding something that his brother did not like, receiving a half-slap, half-hit in the stomach to silence him. Humming, I took in their words but was not sure I agreed fully, although if they all thought it, they couldn’t be wrong.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and was starting to get lulled to sleep by the loud music of the club, “Hookers flirt with him, women turn on the streets to look at him–”

Ran interrupted me, “Hookers liking him says a lot about you, if you ask me.”

“Remind me real quick what’s the name of your girl—you know, the one that works in–” Rindou started.

Ran hit him again, grabbing his shirt this time as he stood up and pulled him along, “Get her name out of your mouth Rin, this is nobody’s business.”

His brother grabbed his hand and got it off him, smirking as he shrugged, “I’m saying, it's a bit hypocritical to tell off Crazy here when you’re seeing a hooker yourself.”

“And the tattoos are a sure way to get people to look at him, he also looks too tall for this country. Man’s a freak. Don’t think you gotta worry about people looking for that reason.” Sanzu added, finally letting go of his phone. I managed to get a glimpse of Shiho’s face on the contact photo. It took me a few seconds to take in their words properly, that’s when I huffed, not as much in offense as it was in the feeling of being called out. “And you’re almost as tall as him Ran, I’m saying…”

“Yeah, well, stay safe, I won’t come for you.” Ran said, throwing me a side glance before sitting back down.

“You stay safe, I am not into you.” I said, holding back from making incest jokes or talking about his height or tendencies since the two latter were in line with Hanma’s, or close to.

Hands clasping together brought our attention as Rindou stood up and grinned, “Beautiful! Friendships are blooming, we love to see it, but the big bad wolf is coming.” His eyes flicked with little discretion to his left as if to show us what he was talking about, we all leaned over and glanced, noticing Hanma making his way through the crowd, almost disinterestedly.

Almost was the key word since he seemed so determined, a determination fueled by anger or frustration, I was familiar with it. The cool he was portraying was just a mask. My heartbeat sped up as I made sure to stay seated and ignore his arrival, looking back at Rindou, “If I’m not at the Gala tomorrow, it’s ‘cause I’m dead, alright?”

“Dead by choking? Choking too hard on his–” He stopped dead in his tracks when Hanma hovered right behind him and made him stand aside. The younger Haitani did not stick around and rolled his eyes, bidding us farewell as he walked away from us. Ran was quick to try to follow, but Hanma stopped him, a hand on his chest as he moved in front of him, “You ever send shit like this to me again, you’re a dead Haitani.”

Ran smirked, “What, you didn’t like it? Thought this was your shit, dead body pics exchange and all. You really didn’t like it? Which part—was it that they were men?” He pulled out his phone and looked through the pictures that I couldn’t see, zooming on some before showing Hanma again, “Or that there is a huge smile on her face? Oh no, I get it!” He called my name, catching my attention then asked, “How fun was it to kill that man? With me?”

My eyes widened, locking on Hanma’s apologetically. I felt ashamed. As if I had cheated on him.

He had told him? When? The dots were connecting slowly—he had shared pictures of the entire thing with Hanma, it would explain his anger that should not have been so big for the little amount of texts I had sent him. Instinctively, I moved to Hanma’s side and tried to pry him away from Ran. I did not say anything because whatever I had to say would not help the situation. I had felt good killing the man because it was a useful thing to do, I had taken care of a loose end. I had quite some freedom doing so, but I couldn’t tell them I painfully wanted to kill the second man too, that Ran snapped his neck instead of letting me do it and I was almost… pissed that he took that from me.

“It was just a job, Shuji.” I whispered to him, hoping he would believe me. “It so happened he was there too.” I added.

Hanma smiled at Ran, “Have you checked on your girl recently?”

Ran’s face dropped.

“You know, while you were out with mine. I had some free time while waiting for her to return—which, mind you, she failed to do.” The latter part was for me. But I could only focus on the fact that he had gone to see Ran’s girl instead of directly coming to me. What had he done to her? For me? A message was sent to Ran, clearly, but there was one for me too in there. Ran’s was that he needed to stay in his lane, but it made no sense—nothing bad had happened, no flirting, nothing weird, it had been a job. A surprise one, one that was nowhere near planned, but that was needed nonetheless.

And if the issue was that I had enjoyed killing someone without him… I smiled to myself, had this been his way of spending time with me until now? His way of flirting—had he misinterpreted Ran’s motives as similar to his? My hand slid into Hanma’s, holding it tightly, I felt it being returned and became giddy.

With half a laugh of anger, half in disbelief, Ran grabbed Hanma’s collar and brought his face close, “You’re bluffing.”

Hanma then whispered what I assumed was her address then drawled, “So now, the question is not: is he bluffing? But… what has he done?” He then patted Ran’s shocked face condescendingly and sighed contently, “Which you’ll find out once you go there, so go, go!”

With ire on his face, Ran walked past Hanma only to be stopped dead in his tracks by him, “Oh, and remember!” Hanma said sweetly, “Don’t fuck with me again—not with her.”

Ran shrugged off the other’s hand in disbelief, eyeing the man with hatred, “You’re insane, I really can’t ever deal with your shit.” Then sped off.

With both the Haitanis gone, all that remained was Sanzu alongside Hanma and I.

Both men stared at each other in silence, an unspoken battle seemed to be happening or an argument of some sort, but there was no explanation at all. Only clenched jaws and tempers. I was unsure if they were not speaking due to the loud music or for other reasons, but it did not last—Hanma slightly leaned in, a semblance of a nod or a bow; I thought he would bid him farewell, but instead he locked eyes with Sanzu once more, “Next time you give her crack, you’re a dead man, pink eye.”

“Your insults are as low as she’ll be by the end of this freak show of a relationship you both have. Get out of my club, Stockholm piece of shit–”

“Big of you when your girl’s part of the competition of how low it’s gonna really get–” Before Hanma could even attempt to finish his taunt that was lost on me, Sanzu got up and had a knife against Hanma’s throat. I did not hold back the gasp that escaped my lips, nor the way my arms pulled the taller man out of the blade’s way while mumbling, “Enough, enough, we’re leaving.”

“What? No ‘this isn’t you, stop this Shuji!’” He mocked in a higher pitch voice, a slight smirk on his lips.

Meeting his eyes without any fear, I stated, “This is you, and this is him. I am aware, but I’d rather avoid bloodshed tonight. After all, we all gotta look stunning tomorrow, right?” I said in a lighter tone, looking over to placate Sanzu who was putting away the switchblade with a grumble as his eyes scanned the room. He then looked back at me, “Yeah, that reminds me, Shiho told me to tell you she’s huh—she’s going as…” He pulled up his phone and read out loud, “Slutty chic femme fatale trophy wife?” Turning the words into a question rather than a statement.

Nodding with a smile I said, “Did she say color coded?”

“Yeah, pink coded she said.”

“Noted! Tell her I’ll surprise her tomorrow night, see you both then!” I smiled while pushing Hanma away from him. This control I had over him only lasted until we were out of sight, that’s when he gripped my wrist tightly and led me through the crowd outside to his car. The feeling of the summer air and the quiet of the night felt so soothing when compared to the warmth of the club, but the calm could only last so long.

I was pressed with my back against the side of the car, a slender hand gripping my jaw tight to raise my head and meet his dead eyes, “Simple instructions, so fucking simple and you can’t even follow them?”

“Basic respect and you can’t even provide it?” I spat back, feeling the blood pumping through my veins in excitement. He seemed taken aback, so I continued, “Hookers here, hookers there, fair enough, you do that. Then I’m allowed to fuck around too, right? Or is only one of us allowed to play with the other’s insecurities?”

He did not respond. Instead he opened the door of the passenger seat and told me to get in, which I did only because I wanted to go home. 

The ride was painfully silent. No teasing, no jokes, not one glance stolen towards my person. I had nothing to be blamed for, if by acting like him I would have him mad at me, then he should best understand how I was feeling.

“Is this a love quarrel? Or are you just mad that I returned the favor? Only the favor was not to your taste, so now it’s my problem?” I was petty, I realized that. This was not proper communication, but I wanted him to speak to me, whatever it was. I could not stand the silence. Not from him. Not when he always had good comebacks, no matter the situation.

“I just thought we were past you acting like a douche and spending time with hookers—I get it, you need to get info, but I also know they’re putting their hands on you and that’s something only I’m allowed to do, you know?” I explained rapidly, trying to meet his gaze. His hands did not move from the steering wheel, his eyes never left the road, it’s as if he wasn’t hearing me.

“It was a coincidence that I had to kill these people with Ran, you know that. You don’t get to be mad at me for that. The job’s the job, Shuji. Do you not wish for me to be a part of Bonten?” A huff was all I received. No smile, no glances, a huff.

“Sulk all you want, you’re not allowed to be insecure. I get that you can’t choose how you feel because the brain is all sorts of things and logical isn’t part of it—but like—have you seen me?!” Far from me the idea of feeling ugly, this was not the point. This was deeper, “No one wants this, me, not when it has your fingerprints all over it. It’s used and broken, it’s shaped just for you, Shuji. No one is even glancing my way, alright?” He did not answer once more. Of course. He was having his tantrum on the side, and while maybe my communication was dreadful at the moment, I thought I was still making sense.

He remained silent even as he parked in front of the house.

Opening my door, he let me get out of the car and handed me the keys. I raised a brow in confusion at the chivalrous act of opening the car door for me and at the lack of comprehension of why he was handing me the keys.

Hesitantly, I unlocked the door and waited for him to follow me, but he remained at the entrance, his eyes defiant and gaze distant. 

“What are you waiting for, Shuji? I don’t understand what you’re doing.” I stated, getting more pissed off by the second with his little act as I took the keys from the keyhole.

“You tell me. You’re the one acting out, testing me. If you wanna be in control, take it. Cause you’re tryna understand shit that’s not there, psychoanalyzing me like a shrink.” He pointed towards the car with his thumb over his shoulder, “There is no insecurity. I just know better than you do, doll.” He took a step closer to now stand right in front of me, our chests touching, “But you’re so smart, you know stuff, right? You don’t need to be told shit, independent and all. So, order me around. See how it feels. Since you’re such a strong woman–”

I grabbed his necktie and pulled him down to my height, “Is this because of the drugs or cause I didn’t text every hour? Because I’m not unconscious, so that’s something I respected.” I explained, pulling him inside with me before shutting the door and locking it behind us, “Tell me you’re not mad I hung out with them and that you’re not jealous. Maybe I’ll trust you’re not insecure then.” Slowly I started undoing his vest, watching as his eyes darted to my lips then my hands, not stopping them as he smirked down at me.

“And, yeah, I’m a strong woman. I am. They didn’t do shit to me. It was even fun.” I leaned into his ear and breathed out, sliding my hand under his vest to take it off, leaving him with his shirt and tie, “I humiliated them at poker, you would have been proud of the looks I put on their faces.” Perhaps I pushed him too much since his hands slipped to my hips, holding me to the spot as he pulled me against him and pressed the side of his face to mine, whispering back, “Talking about other men to me is not a way to get me hard, try another technique, it’s embarrassing. Maybe you should let me take the lead.” He mocked.

The humiliation I felt sent electricity coursing through my body as its temperature rose a few degrees, it felt good. Something caught in my throat, he had thrown me off guard but I was determined now. I didn’t mean to take control in the first place, he knew that, but he had given me the reins for some reason. And my pride couldn’t take not doing it justice, not showing I could do just that. I pulled him with me then switched places and pushed him to the couch before taking off his tie and gesturing for him to hand me his wrists.

“In your dreams, doll. I don’t get tied–”

Interrupting him, I went to get his wrists, using the tie to bring them to me but as I did that, he gripped the fabric back and pulled me closer to him, his nose brushing against mine, “I said I don’t get tied. Do that again and you’re–”

So I did just that.

Smirking at him, I tried to wrap it around his hands, making him scoff as he grabbed my wrists and dragged himself off the couch before forcing me on my back. He was half straddling me, balancing himself with one knee on the couch and a foot on the floor, “So that’s what this is.” He said in realization, grinning like a maniac, “Glad she’s dead, she says.” He mocked my words of earlier, a tone much higher than he would usually have if speaking normally, “I’ll fuck her out of you, she says.” He continued.

“Yet here she is, like a bunny caught by a wolf, shivering in anticipation, begging to be fucked.”

“How am I begging? Maybe I poked the bear one too many times, but I’m not a bunny. I am in no danger actually, so I’m not really a prey at all.” I stated, reaching for the buttons of his shirt to finish undressing him as he stared me dead in the eyes. This was threading fine lines, the man was keen on metaphors and I was ignoring them.

Gently, his hand wrapped around my throat, stilling me in my actions as his thumb pressed against the center of my neck dangerously, his lips grazing my cheek, “Of course. Not begging.” His nose brushed against my skin as his lips reached my ear, “Crying out for attention, hating how a hooker had my hands for one night. Hating how it threw you back to the beginning of all of this and for just a moment, you were back to being nothing to me.”

His words struck a chord.

“Cause your head’s a funny place. But who else would give me what I want?” Tilting my head back gently, his hand squeezed my throat perfectly, the blood starting to rush to my head as I looked him in the eyes, “Who else would be gripping my hand like this, wordlessly begging for me to choke her harder? Hm?” He asked sweetly, so sweet that I knew he was mocking me. He squeezed hard enough to have me gasping, digging my nails in his skin as I tried to tap his forearm, at which he immediately stopped.

“That’s exactly what you want, good, hard sex—but you were a complete bitch tonight.” His harsh words did not match with how delicately he took off my shirt, how he exposed my body to his observing eyes. Standing up, he got rid of all that covered my lower half then helped my legs over his shoulders, raising me from the couch so he could see my most embarrassing angle from up close. It seemed more intimate than ever, I tried to push his face away and said, “What are you doing?!”

He shoved my hand to the side and ran his tongue between my legs, “What you don’t want. Cause sadly, doll, you can’t always get what you want.” He pouted, sticking his tongue out wide theatrically before resuming what he was doing with passion. The way he was eating me out felt so good and familiar and yet strange. He would so rarely do this, how could my body crave it and my mind abhor it? The gentleness of his touch, how tender his hold was on my thighs, how soft his gaze was meeting my annoyed one—it was all unfamiliar and unsettling. 

“Bite me.” I gritted through my teeth, trying to guide his head to my inner thigh and his intentions towards the right mood. He laughed between my legs and slowly looked up with a pleading look, “Did I hear you right? Are you telling me what to do? I thought we both understood I knew better–”

Gripping a fistful of his hair, I tilted his head to the side. Before I could say anything, he unhooked my hand and scoffed dryly before getting up and sighing, “You’re a fucking pain tonight—my doll wants attention, but nothing is good enough, it seems.” I heard him opening a drawer, but did not move from my spot on the couch. I only listened. “Which makes you wonder, should she have the choice of what she’s getting tonight?” He grabbed something, then slowly stepped back towards me, “The answer’s no.”

A zipping sound. Then I felt him grab my hands as he dragged me off the couch and to my knees, bringing my wrists behind my back and tying them with cable ties. “As I was fucking saying…” He tilted my head back with his index finger, looking at my exposed body then brushing my hair back, “It’s going to be so fucking soft tonight, you’re going to be begging for me to forgive your little act out there. You know I have to teach you manners, right?”

I hated that he wanted to make this gentle, it was insane, it was boring. I couldn’t help but be curious of what it would be like—normal sex—and how long he would hold on before growing impatient with it all. So I smirked, “The floor isn’t very comfortable, your little ‘acting normal’ gig is starting off on the wrong foot.” With that he laughed and helped me to my feet before guiding me upstairs and pushing me to the bed, forcing me on my back by grabbing my ankles tight. It was much more thrilling like that, the roughness, the force—so I laughed giddily.

He was taken by surprise and rolled his eyes, a ghost of a smile on his lips before he took off his shirt, “Glad this makes you laugh, ‘least one of us gotta.” He stated as he knelt at the end of the bed and grabbed my foot, kissing my ankle while holding the other down when I tried to kick him away. His touches were sweet, loving, he had closed his eyes in the moment as he left a trail of kisses up my leg, making me gasp and hold back a giggle at the strange gesture. His hand was stroking my skin and was following the path his lips did, higher and higher, so slowly that I tried to reach for his face only to be reminded my hands were tied behind my back. “No hurry, really. Take your time.” I said dryly, letting my head lull back when he gently, playfully, dug his teeth in my skin to tease.

“I’m planning on it.” He said, looking up at me, “I could lose you at any point now–” he paused and brought my knees around his face as he kissed one of them, his cold hands making the hairs stand all over my body at the temperature clash, “You’re making the choice of going out there, with assholes that can’t comprehend this—you.” His kisses reached the lower part of my stomach, he held my legs and hooked them around his waist as he trailed his tongue up and reached my breast, “They wouldn’t think twice if the choice was their life or yours.”

The words caught in my throat, I had no witty comeback, just confusion. Why did he care about them? About what could happen to me, when he had been the one to bring me to this lifestyle. It was only now that I was growing my own wings that he was growing hesitant, wary. “They’re not your friends, they don’t give a shit, you have to understand that.” His hands slid up from my knees to under my back as he dragged me against him, closer, before letting his hands roam even higher. It was almost as if he was hugging me, his lips warm against my chest, his breath the sole contrast to the boiling anger that was building in my body.

Why was he trying to tear me down?

Did he not wish for me to be a part of this? After all we went through to have me recognized as a semblance of something?

Nothing seemed right for him, why was he acting like this?

“Because you’re mine. I brought you into this, and now, no matter what, they won’t see you as anything. Do the same to them.” He breathed against my skin, it felt childish. Like he was having a tantrum, and part of me liked it; his possessiveness, his jealousy of others, my heart almost reached for his for how protective he was. But the stronger part of me felt… grossed out.

Calling out his name, I shook my head, “It’s always like this, ‘no, doll, don’t go with them. Doll, don’t make friends. Doll, don’t do this.’” I mimicked. I couldn’t push him away, so instead I rolled my eyes before closing them, “Do you hear yourself? You brought me in this fucking mess, Shuji. Now that you don’t have full control over what happens, you’re trying to put me in a cage?” His head, which was almost resting between my breasts, lifted up to meet my face above me. He looked right through me and sorrow seemed to adorn his gaze. It didn’t make sense.

“Don’t act like you care, Shuji. That’s not what this is, not what we are.”

The confusion did not lessen when his lips met mine softly, his fingers gently trailing down my stomach. Before I realized it, I felt them enter me and moaned in surprise, he smiled against my lips. “Don’t I?” Care. He pecked my lips again, “Isn’t it?” What this is. Then the kiss deepened, I don’t know why I kissed him back, this was wrong. This—this was not how we showed our love, this was unfair. My heart was beating fast, begging for more of this tenderness but my brain could feel how strange this all was.

“You don’t realize the shit I did for you,” He sighed between our kisses before freeing his cock, out of breath, as his free hand held my cheek while the other guided himself inside me, “I brought you in this ‘cause–” We both grunted at the new sensation, how good he felt but how unwelcomed it all was, it did not feel like him. It did not feel like me. “We made each other—and time won’t do us apart, I can promise you that.” It did not feel like a justification of his actions, but I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. It all felt so intimate and vulnerable, I had never seen him like this, and yet it did not feel like he was talking to me.

Our breaths were merging into one as his lips kept grazing mine at each trust, each of the moans escaping was another show of how our bodies were made for one another, as he put it, but my mind… my mind was somewhere else. 

Closing my eyes to try to enjoy this stranger fucking me, my mouth started forming words, “Don’t you think it’s too late for that?” Why had I said that? Was it because in my mind I was already detached from him? Or was it because the damage he had done to me was not something that could be fixed?

His thrusts quickened, both his hands holding my head still as his forehead rested against mine, “Then I’ll try again—I don’t fucking care how many times—I have to try.” He stuttered between breaths, I felt myself smiling while blinking tears away. I didn’t know why I was crying, nor why I was smiling but his words were somehow comforting.

“Always so determined, Shuji.” I breathed out, hooking my legs behind his as I felt myself getting closer and closer. He chuckled, “You know me better than anyone, babe.” His thrusts stopped, his cock still inside me as he shivered a breath of relief before reaching a hand between us, gently rubbing circles to help me finish. An action he had never done before. I was sure my wrists were irritated from how much I was struggling against the zip ties behind my back, probably digging into my skin. My back arched against him, this was too unfamiliar. I muttered some pleas, telling him I was close like a mantra; I wasn’t even sure he knew what I was saying, but he laughed softly, “There’s my girl, come on, you know you want to give into it—shit, I can feel your grip on my dick, come on, give it to me–” He let out a shaky breath as his thumb played skillfully with my clit. Lazily, he resumed thrusting inside me.

I shook my head, “No, no, don’t—I don’t want to—this isn’t good.” I whined, trying to hold back from cumming. My breathing was uneven and the moans escaping my lips were exactly what he wanted to hear, from the growing smile I could catch on his face while my vision was fading to white. “Shu, I don’t–” the pleading only drove him to make me reach my climax, which I did with a loud whine of relief. He pulled out and used his shirt to wipe me clean before grabbing a blade from a drawer and helping me to the side, cutting the zip tie to free my wrists.

Immediately, I sat up and gave him a strange look, “What’s next, are you going to bring me water now? What the fuck was that?”

“You complain so much, and for what? You didn’t enjoy it, I told you it was a punishment, didn’t I?” Suddenly, all the intimacy from earlier was gone. He was not meeting my eyes, instead he was looking around the wardrobe for fresh clothes, grabbing some for me too. “I picked out your dress for tomorrow, this is a big event so you can’t slut out like your girl wants you to.” He explained dryly, not liking Shiho’s description of her outfit. He was not answering my question of earlier, he was not clearing up my confusion of who was this man that just fucked me because it was not the Hanma Shuji I knew.

“Dressing up your doll, are you?” I whispered, standing up on wobbly legs, only for him to hold me by the bicep as he looked down at me with mischief, a particular look I had not seen yet on him. One that was not something I should have been wary of, in theory, which is exactly why I feared it, “Something like that. Can’t let my girl look debauched—that’s just for me.” He scoffed.

I chuckled, slowly recognizing him again, but still a little shaken.

“Well, can I at least see the dress?” I asked, trying to look inside the wardrobe. He moved in front of me as he tossed our clothes on the bed and held me with one hand on my hip, the other tilting my chin up, “Yeah, of course. Tomorrow. I told the girl your measurements,” He looked down at my chest and pressed a finger on my tattoo, “said we needed to see this, and it had to be elegant.” His nose brushed against mine, his lips were complete ghosts on my mouth, “The rest is up to her, she made the dress you ruined that night at the cemetery—do you recall, little Alice?”

Feeling nostalgia from that time, I genuinely smiled and pecked his lips, remembering the thrill of that night, “That was kind of cringe, you were more of a Cheshire Cat than a Mad Hatter—still are.” I said playfully.

He kissed me in annoyance, “You said that last time, but we don’t fuck cats here, babe.” He joked, making me laugh as I pushed him playfully, “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Do I?” He asked with a smirk, walking back and letting go of me as he grabbed our clothes and was ready to shower, “Come, I’m not staying awake any longer. Tomorrow’s gonna be… eventful.” He trailed off, suspiciously so. Following him, I took a look at his back tattoo and placed my hand on it, slowly trailing it all over, “Shibata’s going to be everywhere, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, odds are they’re gonna try to ambush us or something.” He explained offhandedly.

I sighed, “Can we kill them if they come for us? What’s the agreement between Bonten and Shibata?” I knew I shouldn’t have asked, because he didn’t want me like that. He hated how analytical I was now, facing all of these problems. He hated that I was now just like him, so I quickly added, “Just so I don’t mess up! I feel like they might come for me—you know, because you’re important to Bonten.” I smiled softly, my hands sliding around to hold him from behind as they rested on his stomach.

He unhooked them and turned around, looking at me unbothered, “You stick to me. If they gotta die, I’ll do it. It’s that simple.”

I held back from telling him it was stupid, that I should be able to hold my own ground and roam around without him, but debating that was useless. I would just leave his side at some point, he might not realize it, or he might; if he did, he would come looking for me all angry and—I felt myself smiling stupidly, making him raise a brow, “What’s funny?”

“You’re right, I should stay by your side.” Should, not will do.

I added, “It’s safer.” But what does safe even mean with all the criminals surrounding us?

I smiled and nipped at his jaw, “Like Bonnie and Clyde, criminal couple–”

He pushed my face and rolled his eyes, “Ain’t that worse than Alice and the Mad Hatter? Come on, get in.”

I laughed at that but my mind was not really in the moment. While we showered, I was just thinking of the odds that I would come across a Shibata.

And how bad it would be if they were triggered enough by some things, as to come for me.

And how easy it would be to kill them, with the right incentives.

I simply had to find the right occasion, because neither Mikey nor Hanma needed to know I wanted to kill. All they needed was a justification.

I could make something up.

As we got in bed, I whispered in the dark to Hanma, “Tomorrow’s going to be fun, I’m sure of it.”

[To be continued]

[gd-dollopole]

So Arthur actually did the thing, you know. That oh so romantic thing described in all fantasy romantic books, where the main character rips a piece of their clothing to bandage their not so lover’s wound.

So like, Arthur ripped his tunic to bandage Merlin’s bicep. And made a silly joke about it, even? “First battle wound :D.” He was so excited, and Merlin was worried about Arthur’s clothes too.

But they’re not canon, apparently, yeah, okay, fine. Believe what you want. *rolls eyes*

[bunnieswithknives]

Thinking about his brain

[xxplastic-cubexx]

oh noooo or whatever

bonus aka The Real Motive Behind This:

SURPRISE double bonus. textless ver of the first pic under the cut

[stil-lindigo]

I have so many thoughts about how, in a world where so many in-game companions are barely tolerated or even outright hated, kim kitsuragi is universally beloved. How much it speaks to us that in our worse moments, we all hope to deserve the begrudging kindness he provides. He will not coddle you. He will tell you to get your shit together. But he will support you when you sing karaoke, off-key and mournful. He will play a board game with you in the middle of a murder investigation. He may dance with you inside a church. And in the end, when you leave this waking dream of an investigation to face the smoking wreckage of your life, he might go with you.

[carpetbug]

at my core i’m a marigami lover first and foremost

excuse the roughness I was too lazy to fix it up. and i had to redraw it like four times before it looked right

[kindred-spirit-93]

thetis and her grandbaby

the second panel originally was going to read "hes mine now" lol.

achilles probably jumped in after his mother (who went to show off to her friends), forgetting that neo is very cant breathe under water XD

look at his tiny lil hand holding onto her robes dfghjk. held my baby cousin last night and shes so light and squishy ahh. very babbly too :')

[alexandriaellisart]

sentitwins

sketchbook no 10

[to-be-a-dreamer]

I do acknowledge that the Marvel writers were, to a certain extent, trapped in production hell when it came to adapting Clint Barton into the MCU and I do appreciate the glimpses of his comic personality that they managed to sneak into the MCU. Some of my favorites include but are not limited to:

“Look the city is-is flying. The city is flying. We’re fighting an army of robots. And I have a bow and arrow. None of this makes sense”

When faced with a completely unknown opponent who’s clearly some kind of enhanced the middle of a fight: “We haven’t met yet, I’m Clint.”

“Nobody would know. Nobody. Last I saw him an Ultron was sitting on him. Yeah I miss him already that quick little bastard.”

“Unfortunately, he’s still Barton” “Oh that’s terrible” Because he’s a little SHIT

“You’re no match for him Cap.” “Thanks Barton”

Hits a bullseye on the dart board half a centimeter from Tony’s face with absolutely no warning just because he can

In THE maximum security prison getting lectured by Tony Stark: “Blah blah blah…”

Actively lying on the floor after getting his shit rocked by a child: “Yeah you better run.”

Smugly, towards the aforementioned child: “What? You didn’t see that coming?”

Doesn’t tell his teammates that he’s taking them to his secret farmhouse in the middle of nowhere where he has a secret family. Also does not tell his wife that he’s bringing the entire Avengers lineup to her house. Because he’s a dramatic bitch with abysmal communication skills.

Does a stupid little dramatic flourish just to shoot an arrow into the fucking wall in front of literally no one but Wanda. Just for funsies.

Is played by Jeremy Renner, who I can’t Google without learning about his latest life-threatening injury. On brand.

Turns his hearing aids off at a bad musical

“Good thing they call you HawkEYE and not HawkEAR” “Hahaha. Block. Delete.” (100% did not block and delete)

Casually boards the subway after a whole entire car chase

“And the Challenger gets wrecked anyway!”

“How’s my apartment?” “…crispy”

“Sorry Santa!”

“You rely too much on technology” “Well my weapon of choice is a stick and a string”

“I’ve been taking karate since I was five” “Oh so last year?”

“Oh hey… I know you” Casually hands over the most powerful weapon in the universe.

To an actual literal chipmunk after he just jumped out the window of a skyscraper and landed in the Time Square Christmas tree “…hey”

“Clint where are you?” “I’m in the tree!” “What? Which tree?” “THE three!”

[muffinlance]

Isopuppy's got legs for DAYS

Just need to get the top carapace on and write up the tutorial, and y'all can make your own Good Dog.

My baby spent most of the morning crawl-chasing me around, desperately pointing at the pupper to be allowed a hug (which she was finally granted just before nap time when I got the back seam closed, and she hugged it So Hard, then gummed those antennae real good). Toddler is demanding he be allowed to sleep with it tonight. So isopups are VERY snugglable, is what I'm saying.

[tennessoui]

giving the best dialogue to anakin and padmé divorcing once more lol <3

“If it were your best friend who choked on flowers he couldn’t give you, what would you do?”

Anakin blinks, more than a decade’s worth of Jedi training the only thing keeping him from reeling back. “What?” Padmé’s eyes gleam back at him, hard as flint. “If Master Kenobi developed hanahaki for you, if you saw him in pain because of you, would you have done what I did for Sabé?”

Anakin shakes his head, suddenly lost and feeling rather like the trap has been sprung. “You didn’t do anything wrong to her,” he says helplessly. “You said you paid for her surgery–”

“There were two things I could have done,” Padmé replies. “But I was a good wife. I didn’t even think about the other option. I didn’t even try. Because of you.”

The other option. The only other cure for the flowering disease: for the love to be returned.

Anakin cuts his eyes away from the face of his wife. They jump from the fireplace to the open doors leading to a balcony, to a chair in the corner to the old-fashioned books tucked neatly away in their alcove. “Don’t ask me this,” he says, begs, because Padmé is his wife and once, he loved her ardently.

But she is also a politician, and she knows to never give in when she is so close to her victory. “Tell me what you would do,” she demands softly. “Tell me you would do the same. If it were Obi-Wan dying, tell me you would hold his hand as he underwent the surgery. Tell me that you would remember me.”

“He would never develop flowers for me,” Anakin snaps as if the words have been ripped from his throat, and his hands loosen behind his back, grab at the ends of his hair and then scrub roughly over his face.

Padmé’s lips curl and her eyes flash, a spark of embers beneath a blanket of ash. “Put aside your belief that your master is too much of a Jedi to fall in love, that is not what I want—”

Anakin shakes his head, once, sharply. He feels cornered. Like a wild animal, biting at anything that encroaches into his space. “You asked me to speak and now you will not listen,” he snarls, and he is being cruel. This is cruel.

But this is also the truth, and it is what she wanted. 

“He would never develop flowers for me,” he says again. “Because you only develop flowers when the love is unrequited. And there has never been a moment in my life that I have not been in love with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Is that what you wanted to hear, Padmé?” 

[physicalturian]

[18+] Salvaged Love - Hanma Shuji x F!Reader - Part 5

[The plot of this work follows previous works in this series] [She/Her pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] [Varied POV/chapter]

Words : 14 818

Playlist : link

Archiveofourown

Warnings : Reader-Insert // Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con // Canon-Typical Violence // Graphic Description // Graphic Description of Corpses // Dubious Ethics // Explicit Language // Blood and Injury // Violence // Torture

---

My throat is constricted, the air is tight in my chest, I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know where I am.

I look around, it’s dark. There is music in another room. It’s eerie. I don’t know where I am.

Why is it empty? The room I find myself in is unfamiliar, it’s lavish, with intricate decorations on the walls and chandeliers. One is hanging on by a thread above my head, I’m underneath it, staring up at it. What if it falls on me? What if I die? My vision blurs as I get lost in the glimmer of the crystals. I don’t know where I am. 

There’s a loud thud somewhere. It’s not in this room. It echoes loudly—I look towards the source of the sound in panic, I need to find it. My heart is beating so fast and I’m sobbing. I can still hear the music in the room and voices talking, but it’s empty. I start walking, I go through a doorway and don’t recognize anything. I don’t know where I am!

A deafening scream. It’s right next to my ear—am I screaming? I look around and see myself in the large mirror. It’s not me. It’s not me. It’s not me!

My hands fly to my face, it follows my reflection. I smile, I frown—my expressions are not reflected. It remains the same. It’s her. Shiho’s face is staring right back at me. Her mouth is wide open, so are her eyes. Her skin lost its glow, it’s gloomy, it’s nothing like how I see her. She’s not looking at me—her mouth moves, “I don’t know where I am.” then her eyes are set on mine.

The mirror is gone, I’m in a wide corridor, it’s endless. I look ahead, there is something on the red carpeted floor. I’m right next to it and I crouch.

Someone is here with me, they’re holding her hand. She passed out on the floor. She’s dead.

“You fucking killed her.”

His eyes are red, he’s crying, he’s angry and I’m hyperventilating. I’m telling him something but I can’t hear. (It’s unfair, it’s not my fault, you—Shibata laced everything! I ran as fast as I could—You got her addicted!)

“He had to go back and it’s because of you.” He tells me. (No, no, no don’t say that, I didn’t do anything, I didn’t–)

It’s raining. Everyone is wearing black, there are so few people. It’s cold, morose and off-putting, it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t have ended up like this. Not this soon.

Rai is by Shiho’s casket, her hand set on the lacquered wood, she looks up at me, “When will it end? This is all your fault.”

I’m screaming at her, everyone is looking at me. They’re all around me, closer and closer, talking together. The blame, the guilt, my heart, everything is heavy. I’m falling to my knees–

I woke up to silence. There were no screams, no music, no rapid footsteps, no cries. No one.

It was strange, but I was getting used to it.

It was the third time I had this nightmare this past week, except this time it was much more vivid. Waking up in a cold sweat was not something I was used to, nor something I wanted to get used to, and yet, I knew the drill by now. Getting out of bed, I put on some music to try to drown the thoughts that were at the forefront of my mind, perhaps I was even trying to flush the guilt away. Deep down, I was starting to blame myself—no, it had started long ago, but it had built up into a big enough feeling that I could not ignore it anymore.

Pushing the thoughts away was harder to do as days went on, there was this pressure in my mind that told me to either turn off the fire, let the water turn cold and fold, or to open the lid and let it all pour out. It was exhausting.

There was some comfort in the fact that for over a week now, nothing had happened. The hunt of Shibatas was still on, the death toll had anything but decreased. With the numerous overdose cases and bodies found on the streets of the city, the two gangs clashing and the knowledge of a mole among our ranks having slipped out—the infighting, how could it stop? The theory was not that Hanma or any of the informed executives had acted as whistleblowers, no, they were trustworthy enough. Mikey had been careful to only let very few people know—the current theory was that the mole had simply let it slip out. Hanma had gotten too close to discovering who the bastard was and, out of cowardice, they must have used it as a way to make everyone doubt everyone in Bonten. This lack of trust had many members turn against each other—but for some reason, not in every division.

The special divisions seemed intact, they seemed to know who to trust and perhaps that confidence came from their leaders. The defensive unit, Kakucho’s, was more than alright, nothing had happened among the ranks. The Haitanis’ attack unit was also intact which surprised me for some reason.

Hanma’s commando unit… the name seemed prestigious, it’s true, but their work was anything but. It was them who did the dirty work, it was on them that everything relied. If they left anything behind, it could be traced back to whoever had done the crime—they were the backbone of Bonten. His unit was fine. Hanma had to meet with them for one of the rare times to straighten things up and make them understand that whatever doubt they were having had to be brought to him so he could tear it down.

But the remaining divisions? Whatever the mole had said only sowed the seed of doubt in those groups, the words they had used were almost… incriminating. It was not my duty nor my mission to seek them out—Hanma was convinced he knew who it was—but my guess, while vague, was that they belonged to one of those lower divisions. Power could be a reason for being a sellout, right? Couldn’t take simply being the leader of a division, maybe they wanted to be an executive but it hadn’t happened yet and so they sought out the best way to get that promotion—by betraying one’s own organization.

It was nothing productive. It was a shortcut but to what end? Now Shibata would know the fucker was greedy enough to betray the biggest criminal organization for power—they would know bribery was a foolish sin.

The more I thought of it, the more I believed the traitor to be insane, which ultimately was ironic coming from the woman who saw her dead friend. Not once did I consider leaving Bonten, I was more than aware I would die here—alone or not, there was no escaping it and I knew it. Sooner or later something bad would happen, maybe that’s why I wanted to make the best out of it and, if I had the choice, by Hanma’s side. So to see someone choose to leave, only to jump straight in another wolves’ den that would not guarantee the same level of prestige, income and protection? That seemed irrational, unthought through, and a hectic move.

It didn’t make sense. It didn’t add up. I didn’t know how to explain it, but something was off.

It was no use to think about it further than needed. It was not my responsibility, but I still texted my thoughts to Hanma, knowing full well that with how busy he was I wouldn’t get an answer anytime soon. Had he not been occupied, he would have simply repeated himself by telling me it was not my place to think. But there was no helping it. I wanted to be of use, and part of me felt hurt, even after spending so much time with him, at how he kept me so dumb. I knew it was for my sake, but I hated this feeling.

To think that he would still treat me as such after the conversation we had a few weeks earlier—after I’d told him that I needed to prove myself, that they all looked at me snidely—was simply exhausting. To some extent, he was also treating me differently than ever before, as if I would break, but he was being foolish.

As if I would break? I had to laugh.

I had long since shattered, had I not?

That’s how I saw myself—in pieces, held together by so few things and yet, something deep inside me was still fighting to come back.

I needed to smother her to kill that spark, because only I knew what kept her alive, how she worked, how to make her disappear. And if Hanma still wanted her around… I would  give it to him. It shouldn’t be too hard. I love him enough to give him what he wanted and to become who I needed in order to feel free.

I wanted to be myself with him, for him, and yet he held me down. Why was he trying to clip my wings after molding me into one of his creations? To be shunned and thrown aside after giving him all my unconditional love—was the apple starting to rot? I needed to cut the decay away if I wanted to enjoy my well-earned fruit. That’s why she needed to go. She was making this harder than necessary.

My venture down the rabbit hole was quick to get interrupted. I supposed I was thankful for the sound that came from my phone. Finishing getting dressed, I grabbed it from the bed and looked at it confused; an address and a time was all that was in a text.

No clue of the sender, and without it saved in my contacts, I had no idea who it was.

Asking Hanma would lead me nowhere; instead, I pressed someone else’s number and waited a few rings until he picked up.

“What do you need?” The voice on the other end asked.

“Koko, I sent you a phone number, can you tell me who it is?”

He huffed a chuckle, then I heard him shuffle with the phone for a moment before bringing it back to his ear, “What am I? Your secretary?”

“Please, do you know who it is—yes or no.”

“Yeah, it’s Mikey. Why?” He asked.

I simply told him I received a text with very little information in it, which made him go, “Are you telling me you never got any texts from him in all this time you’ve been with us?” He laughed almost mockingly—or was it disbelief hidden behind some condescendence? It was as if the surprise came from only now getting personally in touch with Mikey, after all, why hadn’t it happened sooner?

Because I was not enough until now.

Ah, so what changed, in your opinion?

I guess I’ll find out once I get there.

I gave Koko a scoff, “Ask him that, not me. I usually get errands through you or Sanzu—or Hanma. So…” I trailed off.

“Yeah, well, don’t be late. It’s going to be something fun then.” Being ominous was not helping the slowly rising anxiety that I felt, but giving in to whatever panic was building up was not useful in the long run. With a tight smile, I replied, “I guess you’re not going to tell me shit about what’s going on.”

“Hey, see! You’re getting smart, woman, gotta have the brains if you don’t have any fucking brawns, right?” He teased. Our friendship felt more natural. It had gotten a dent, for the little our friendship had been developing at the time, when I killed Rai—but now it was enjoyable. I could see a certain side of him that was less caretaking and more blunt, more… himself, perhaps. I had this naive image of him as a mere business man for Bonten, but it had been a wrong idea because he was here for a reason, and that meant he got the job done, no matter what. It also meant that, like all of them, he had been bathed in this violence since very young, the only thing differing him from the others was that he seemed more socially apt. 

“And you’re no use for me,” I started jokingly, “Who knows, maybe I’ll tell you what happened… probably not though, since you’re so secretive and shit.”

“Bet, it’s the same for me. I’ll know everything in less than 2 hours after your little one on one. Now, some of us have shit to do, don’t piss yourself.”

I didn’t have time to wish him farewell when he hung up and I was left with just enough time to get ready and get in contact with one of the lower ranks to drop me at the spot. Not knowing who I could trust, I decided to text Shiho if their driver could come and get me instead—surely Shiho and Sanzu could be trusted, right? Hanma hadn’t given me any proper instructions, but those two had no reason to betray Bonten.

Shiho: oh sure tihng babe sendnig him rn

Shiho: where off to

Shiho: ?

I thanked her and explained the situation without giving too much detail. She had taken the habit of talking about Mikey as “King mentally ill” since her surprisingly intuitive thoughts on the man was that out of all of them, he was the worst. She would argue that since he stayed quiet most of the time, nothing could be read on his face, that he was probably a sociopath or something along those lines. To her, the others gave off enough warning flags by being who they were, people could see it from the violence they’d show, how they would react and clearly from the businesses they led. Hanma was at the top of her list of people who would probably not be too much of a threat, considering how obviously unwell he was.

But Mikey? 

Mikey was always so sweet when he talked to people other than his executives, he seemed to be fit enough to go about in society, which was what scared her, she would tell me. I don’t know why she feared him so much, he had been nothing but caring towards me, and more than caring towards herself too, but I kept her words in the back of my head. I was unsure it would be of much use since, while being emotionless, he was still kind.

A few minutes after my exchange with Shiho, I saw the car pull up in front of the house and put on my jacket before getting out. I had yet to get used to this being my new home but it still felt much safer than the apartment, more spacious too.

While I had met the driver once already, I was not fully convinced it had been him who had driven us on that night, so I faked texting someone and took a discreet picture of him before knocking on the window of the car.

Nodding at me, he pulled down the window and asked for my name, so I nodded, “Who sent you?” I asked. I needed him to tell me it was Shiho or Sanzu, any other answer would be off and I didn’t want to lead him in the correct direction. Sure, I sounded paranoid, but I had all the rights to be with what was going on.

“The Mad Dog, ma’am. Didn’t you request this?”

“Yeah, yeah, I did. Just making sure!” I told him with a polite smile. It was a smile that was nowhere near returned as he gave me a judgmental side glance as if I was insane. There was no need to justify myself, I was being careful. That’s all.

After that, the car ride was not as long as I thought it would be. In less than 20 minutes, accounting for the heavy traffic, we had arrived at the destination Mikey had decided we should meet. With a thank you to the driver, I got out of the car and noticed Sanzu by the window on the second floor. It was certain he had seen me too, although his eyes were anywhere but on me—he did not gesture for me to get inside.

All I needed was the courage to take the first step inside the building and was surprised by the lack of security around the hall. It was a rather simple building, so simple no one would think the head of a huge organization such as Bonten would be residing here, and yet here he was. It made one wonder what could two men do if people decided to barge in, what if there were ten, twenty of them? Granted, Mikey and Sanzu were anything but simple men, they were weapons—guiltless, feared, so efficient they were unmatched should one face them unarmed. But these weapons that both Mikey and Sanzu were, they would never be used. They were unreliable to everyone but themselves, that’s how people saw them. Ruthless criminals, a term that could not inspire anything but wariness, yet I trusted them both implicitly.

Stepping inside the elevator, I continued my pondering.

After all, I was still here after so long. There had to be someone to thank for that, it hadn’t happened just because of myself. Should I be grateful for the two of them for taking care of me from afar all these years? Should Mikey be thanked for not sending me on dangerous errands? Or Sanzu for keeping Shiho, my anchor, safe? If not for him, I would have probably lost her long ago, and myself in the process.

Or maybe I should thank Hanma for never leaving my side. His advice had been all the more useful for my survival, especially the one that suggested changing my mindset—something I was still slowly in the process of doing.

The door opened silently to a minimalist apartment, one could hardly believe it was inhabited from how impersonal it was. There were no trinkets, no cups or anything left on tables or counters, it was cold. I was almost certain it was for sale until Mikey walked out of a room fully dressed with a towel draped around his neck, his hair still slightly wet from the shower he’d probably just left.

He gave me a short smile, “You are here. Right on time.”

I gave him a small nod and half of a bow. I wasn’t sure if I should treat him as good as estranged or on a more friendly term, “Hello, yes, good morning.” Looking around, I made a confused sound, “Isn’t Sanzu here, I thought I saw him by the window?”

Gesturing for me to follow him, Mikey led us to the living room, “Mmh, he is in another room, he had to take a call.” he explained too ominously for my taste before once more gesturing with one hand at the sofa, inviting me to take a seat as he did so. I stayed standing as he started talking, “You have no idea what this is about.” It was not a question, it was a statement that made me close to snapping much more sarcastically than I had just now by telling him half-jokingly with a nervous chuckle, “It tends to happen when one doesn’t receive details on…” my voice started dying out. Being funny was not as good of an idea as I thought it would be, slowly my words simply felt numb on my tongue and just as fast, I sat next to Mikey.

Being so close to him felt off. He felt like royalty—I did not wish to make one wrong move, so I put a good but not too strange distance between us. Deep inside, it felt like touching him could hurt me physically, burn me. After all, the man was the living representation of all that was wrong in society, and wanting to fix it meant having a great understanding of it all, in depth.

One would never wish upon one’s worst enemy such a deep and broken knowledge of all that was bad in this world.

Ignorance was a bliss, they said, because knowledge was a curse.

So many wished to forget and to return to this blissful state of innocence before they knew.

To forget someone cheated. 

To forget your friend was raped at a party you both attended.

To forget the death of someone close.

All only to bask in the goodness of the memories they left behind.

Ignorance was a bliss one wished to feel once the pain ingrained itself deep in their very flesh and bones upon learning about all these atrocities. 

But I would have no such privilege of bliss. I had been cursed with horrendous knowledge and sights since that very first night of meeting them all. To seek comfort in cluelessness would be too foolish of me, I could only make use of all of the things I knew or I’d go insane.

“Are you alright?” I heard Mikey say at first, before adding softly, “You’re far away, almost nostalgic.” The sweet smile on his lips was wrong, he never directed this to me, so why now? “Time has flown by since your first mission as an informant, hasn’t it?” 

An uncharismatic snort escaped my nose before I even had the time to stop it, quickly I added nervously, “Had it been someone else, I’d have been called a mole. But that’s just semantics, isn’t it?” There was some irony in those terms and it all depended on which side I was on. Had I been Bonten’s enemy, nothing would have gone like this.

Mikey chuckled, “Then aren’t you glad to have chosen the right side?” He drawled. 

Once more, I laughed, this was unbelievable, “I’m unsure I had a choice per se. But if I had, it was surely made for me. It feels as if it was the only option, really…” I paused and looked at the table in front of us instead of Mikey. I knew I should have stopped talking, but there was something that kept me going. He had yet to stop me or berate me for messing up, which meant he did not mind the half-honesties I was giving him.

“It was either I joined you, changing in the process or I’d just…” Another pause, I smiled sadly, “I think without the support I had—have… I…” Finally, I looked back at Mikey and mimicked pressing a gun under my chin and pressing a trigger, my tongue stuck out as I faked blowing my brains out. I laughed lightly, “But that’s a big hypothetical.” A pregnant pause.

“Do you think I’d have the guts to do that?”  I asked Mikey. I suppose I was also pondering out loud to myself more than asking him. I didn’t believe I could ever do that. Mikey shook his head, “It requires more guts to keep on living, you know?” to which I shrugged one swift movement.

“And a lot more energy, it’s exhausting.”

He was impassive as he asked me what I meant by that. I was hesitant if I should speak my true mind or if I should stop this now. The conversation was leading to something deeper than I wanted him to know about, he would find me insane. He would probably react like Hanma did and tell me to tone it down. 

So why did I answer?

“Keeping up appearances, I guess? It kind of feels like I’m at war with myself–” I stopped. This sounded awful, this shouldn’t be said out loud. What was I portraying myself as? He would think I’m insane, that I’m weak, that I should get kicked out–

This is ridiculous.

You’re right, I’ll stop this right now.

“But I’m good!” I laughed, “I’m actually–”

Mikey cut me off with a straight face, a stern one, “Is dishonesty a trait you’ve honed over your stay in the organization or is it innate?” There was nothing in his eyes that could be a tell of any ounce of humor in his words, all it led me to believe was that I had fucked up hard. Did he want me to be honest? I was too caught off guard to manage anything sensible.

“What you are is unbalanced. And if you want to stabilize that frail state of mind, we need to find the irregularity—so tell me.” He tilted his head to the side and forced a kind smile on his face that was such a contrast to the void in his eyes, “How do you really feel?”

With wide eyes, my mind was still stuck on his description of my state of mind: unbalanced. He was not wrong, but finding the perfect word to describe it all was startling to say the least. Sure, I had a few theories on how to fix this frailness of my mind so why would I tell him more about myself? The pull that I felt towards him was all that was needed to make me speak up, ignoring any inner battle.

“I know what I’m turning into. I’m welcoming the change, but there’s this part of me that’s just—just stuck in the past. It’s… accepting the change of who I am as a person means letting go of…” Should I really say it? I was already so far in, anyway. My grave was dug deep enough that I couldn’t make the situation any more bad, truly. “I would mean–”

“Go ahead.” He cooed me.

What? Don’t want to admit it’s all because of a man?

My eyes flew straight ahead, I did not realize Mikey’s had done the same—to see what I was looking at or to simply look away, I did not know. “He fell for her. For the little girl he corrupted, but what if I’m nothing like that anymore? It ate me down to the fucking marrow.” I scoffed, “What if I’m tired of playing the role he wants me to play? But if I stop playing it, then—then he won’t like me anymore.” I laughed under my breath, not believing I was telling Mikey, the boss of the biggest criminal organization, that the core of my issues could be summarized as love problems.

Another huffed laugh, this time speaking faster than before. I wanted this to be over with, yet I couldn’t help but keep talking, “If he doesn’t love me anymore, then all I’ve done until now would have been for nothing. I would have exposed Shiho to all of this danger for nothing, Rai would have died for nothing.” Finally, I looked Mikey dead in the eyes once more, he seemed to have been looking at me for a while too now. I felt a weak smile form itself on my lips, “I can’t let it all go to waste, I was making a difference, right?”

Mikey laughed.

He laughed.

The air that left his mouth in light notes, that tone, he found it all funny and it was a genuine laugh too. It was odd to see life on his face.

“To have a man like Hanma put you in such a state of disarray. Life is truly full of surprises.” He commented, making me give him a deadly look as I asked if it was that funny.

Meeting my eyes right on, he nodded once, “Yes. It is. Because even after laying out all the pieces, you don’t see the solution that is right in front of you.”

Condescendence, arrogance. He spoke as if he knew better and I did not want to sense that coming from him. If it was that easy, then he should have simply told me instead of making me feel like shit. It pissed me off to no end. It reminded me of those people that would rather make fun of others who did not know something, rather than explaining and educating them even a little bit.

I clicked my tongue against my teeth, “And what is that solution? If it is that obvious…”

Mikey stood up and looked down at me, “Let go of your past.” He shrugged as a matter of fact, “The person you are turning into could become something with the right… ingredients.” Gently, his hand held onto my cheek. It felt somewhat soothing, so familiar. “But no bakers can work with rotten eggs.” He added, “So stop expecting anything of him. See,” His thumb caressed my cheek with such warmth, it felt strange coming from the man. “Should he not appreciate where your strength lies, the organization will.”

The darkness that pooled in his eyes felt like it was calling to me, like home, like exactly what I needed. Slowly, I nodded, his hand falling from my face and dropping at this side. It was truly odd how his actions seemed filled with emotions and his face void of any—delicately, he tapped his finger against my temple, “It’s bottled up in there, isn’t it? It’s a constant fight against that ever lasting ounce of goodness and hope you have for humanity.”

His hands clasped behind his back as he walked around the table and stopped there, facing me, “That alone makes me understand that, if hope wins the battle, I have no guarantee that you will remain with us.” My eyes widened at his words, I was unable to reply as he spoke once more, “You’re not a safe bet, you know that. So my question is the following,” He leaned over only slightly, “What do you get from staying in Bonten?”

Some dots connected in my brain and the words escaped my lips before I could even think them through or even theorize long enough, “Hold on—are you—do you think I’m the traitor?!”

Without a trace of a smile, he tilted his head slightly to the side, “It doesn’t matter. Tell me what you stand for—even better, who do you stand for.”

Giving him a worried look, I was starting to panic and looked around, “I’m here because–”

“For. You are here for…?”

I was taken aback by the interruption and cleared my throat, making it up as I went, “I’m here for—for Hanma? But also for Shiho, I need to keep her safe. I also want to be accepted in the organ–”

A loud offended huff escaped my lips when Mikey cut me off by saying, “It’s all futile. It’s nothing tangible, it’s all sentimental. Think bigger. Think for yourself, not for others.”

That was enough to make me think. What did I want? What am I even doing, really? Is it all for him and solely him? I want to stay in his world and see him but what about… about something bigger. I’m seeking the peace he brings me and somehow that peace was also found in the silence that followed that. The emptiness, the lack of anything, this numbness I felt after it.

After killing someone.

When she takes over, it’s so much easier because there is no need to fight back. It relieves the constant pressure I feel upon holding her back. When she takes control, it all disappears, just like when I fuck him, exactly when all I see is just him. Because when I’m with him, it feels like I’m somewhere else, far away from here. And when she’s here… I’m away, tucked in a comfortable bubble, far from all this hecticness.

So I understood.

I looked up at Mikey and smiled, “It just feels so good when all I have to do is listen. When I can let go and let her win for a moment—it’s a relief, and she’s what’s needed for the job.” My eyes drifted back to my hands that were resting palms up on my knees. With a half smile this time, I whispered, “It drowns the voices.” And it truly did, because when I ran whatever errands I was put to, all I had to do was do it well. I was focused on delivering on my word and not fucking up instead of focusing on regretting all that was being done. I had no time for second guesses when my brain was wired to be a lap dog for Bonten, maybe only fear of disappointing them—but at least I wouldn’t see her as much.

Mikey’s hand rested on my head sweetly as he patted it—maybe it should have felt patronizing, but there was so much in that touch that I felt some sort of connection to him.

“You are with us for your own good, that is much better of a reason. You’re not the only one who needs this, you should be proud you realized it soon enough.” He gave me a smile, only for a few seconds before returning to his usual expression, his hand falling from my head and the familiar warm feeling with it. He understood me.

His voice reached my ears again, “As for the voices…” He trailed off, my heart spiking up at the realization I had spoken it out loud, that my whisper meant nothing in a room bathed in deadly silence. “You’ll grow to live with it. The harder you try to get rid of them, the stronger they become.” There was more to it, so I waited for him to continue. He brought his hands behind his back, holding them still and out of sight, “If you ignore them, they become blurry,” His eyes locked on something behind me as his expression hardened, “they become faceless.” Then his eyes set on mine once more, some hints of sadness tainted the emptiness in them—it was somehow beautiful to see it on his face, but I did not pay it more attention. “It’s better that way.”

Nothing dripped from his voice. It was dull, dry, lacking even nostalgia from whatever had traveled through his mind, then his eyes adorned something close to mischievousness as he spoke, “Of course, this is our little secret.” Turning around, he walked to the window. I was unsure if I should follow but still stood up, following him with a short distance between us, “I see myself a lot in you, I know you understand what I am telling you.” I could not see his face, but his head was angled straight at the window, as if looking over the city or the little he could see of it from the second floor. “You must understand that your fall could sadden a few, it would be egotistical of you to die.” Then, his words—which seemed rough to hear and a bit cold, yet needed—changed drastically as he faced me like he had been caught in a moment of sadness, “It would also be a waste seeing the potential that would go down the drain,” he continued, “Should you better your relationship with those you work with, I’m sure your death would sadden even more people—at least if dying is what you plan on doing.” 

I had hardly ever heard him talk that much. When he walked past me, I felt a shiver run down my spine in fear he would push me or suddenly ask me to speak up, annoyed at my silence. He did no such thing and grabbed something from a desk nearby, “Anyone but Hanma really, which is why I brought you here. Partly.” A flat thud echoed as a file was dropped on the table. Mikey gestured at me, and tilted his head to the side, “You’re bored of your errands, I’m providing you with some entertainment.”

Opening the file, I started reading everything. The man had a normal job, a construction worker. Nuclear family, common transactions in his accounts—I looked up at Mikey just in time to see him drop another file on the one opened in my hands, “I was told you require an incentive to be more open about yourself,” to kill, was what he meant, “Hopefully this will suffice.”

This time, my eyes widened slightly as they traveled over the many pages attached to the file. This was a Shibata member. Fraud, offshore accounts linked to shell companies, bribery. His crime list was long but I did not care for big words, what followed was worse. A couple of news articles: a body found buried in cement, the police believe it could be the work of the mafia—which was stupid, since there was no mafia in this city; home-owner disturbed by a pungent smell in her apartment… finds a decaying corpse in her walls, and much more.

Looking away from the papers, I commented, “So he had to kill some people but was bad at getting rid of the bodies—do you want me to kill him?” I knew what I wanted as a response to this question. I wanted something clear, something that did not allow me to make a choice. Something that would, in a way, take away the responsibility from me.

Half a shrug.

That’s all I got from Mikey.

“What happens, happens. The goal is to get information out of him. If he doesn’t speak, he will turn into an example.”

It was a foolish way of thinking, so foolish that I let out a laugh upon hearing him, “I never quite understood why it was done like this. To betray his own organization is–” I paused, holding back the animosity that had no way of being there and scoffed, “Stupid to say the least.” Shaking my head, I tossed the files on the table and stood up, flattening the creases on my pants. Mikey nodded at me to go on, as if he was intrigued.

“What I’m saying is: if he speaks, he dies by our hands or we let him go—if we let him go, Shibata kills him for being a traitor!” I laughed in disbelief, “If he doesn’t speak, he gets killed by our hands.” This time I was fully facing Mikey, his arms were crossed over his chest as he watched me go on a rant he surely had no interest in, but I was already too deep in. I had to commit to it. “No outcome is any better than the other, he will not speak if it allows him to maintain his honor.”

He quirked a brow, “And you believe everyone has undying loyalty? People are flexible, so are their values. That is your role, to bend people—break them, if necessary.”

Out of one of the rooms came Sanzu. Something told me he had been standing there for longer than only a few seconds, he had been listening in, “Bonten didn’t get this far by being nice.” He then said my name, which had been done on so few occasions that it was much more off-putting than necessary. 

Now standing by Mikey’s side—who was already walking off to the window, leaving only Sanzu with me—he continued, “If we had let go of every louse that was fast enough to snitch we would look weak, do you get that?”

“What you’re saying is–”

“I’m saying they should be smart enough to not get caught. Then they wouldn’t have to be worried about dying in glue traps like the rats they all are.” He spat with so much disdain, one would almost feel pity for those who indeed died by Bonten’s hands. Something I used to feel as well until I understood the modus operandi that they used. But now, I could grasp how it all worked. Ultimately, we were only taking care of scums or those who hurt Bonten.

I held back a smile and sighed, looking Sanzu dead in the eyes with incredulity, “So getting caught is signing a death sentence?”

“One you avoided by being The Reaper’s bitch.” He gritted through his teeth.

The blood in my veins started boiling from the words he had spoken once more, but instead of giving in, I smiled mockingly and whined like a dog, head tilted to the side.

His eyes widened, “Oh, you’re in a fucking mood, huh? You’re insane—weirdo.”

Still staring him dead in the eyes, I let out a spelled out “Woof.”

He was even more distraught as he pushed me with much more strength than necessary, “Stop the bullshit.”

I gripped his hands tight and held onto him to not fall back, “Sorry! I thought you’d understand—you and me, we’re the same, aren’t we? Both of us being bitches of maniacs and all, right Mad Dog?” My nails were digging in his exposed forearms, his grip also tightened on my shirt before he gritted through his teeth, “You’re dead.”

“And you’re pissing me off.” I gritted back, trying to bring him closer out of frustration that was now slowly seeping out, “Might as well play the role you’ve been assigning me since the very beginning. Not that it made sense at first, but I might just get into it now.” I smiled mockingly, a tight smile of exhaustion. There was only so much disrespect I would take from these men when so little had been done that touched them personally. What had happened with Rai never truly affected them, nor did my relationship with Hanma. “You’re all just nosy, pissy boys that can’t see women thrive, that’s my hot take.” I finished, letting go of Sanzu with a loud sigh as he did the same upon meeting Mikey’s gaze.

The simple gesture of him reaching out and flattening the creases in my shirt was what threw me off first, before hearing him say, “You’re with Rindou on this one. Koko might join in if he’s not too busy.”

“What’s with the change of attitude, don’t tell me you’ll take a beating–”

Mikey said my name sternly, making me still any endeavor I could have undertaken; instead, my back straightened and I looked at Sanzu with confusion. He shook his head, half a smile adorning his lips, “Did you think you’d get out there on your own?”

The scoff he let out was so disdainful I felt my mouth open slightly enough for me to run my tongue over my teeth in an attempt to hold back any harsh words that could weigh on the balance of Mikey’s approval. “Trust is not that easy to get, you know.” The dog added.

They say to twist your tongue seven times in your mouth before speaking, but I was in a rush to defend myself so I bit back, “One would think that something close to two years in Bonten’s ranks would be enough to gain some amount of trust.” But I knew how it went, the song was so familiar that there was no surprise when he started…

“But you didn’t, do you know why? Because–”

“Because I’m worse than the plague only by proxy of being on friendly terms with The Reaper.” I stated in a bored tone, making Sanzu’s eyes widen only in shock at the attitude he was receiving. He got a hold of himself rather fast as he laughed, grabbing the files from the table and shoving them to my chest, “Friendly terms?” He quoted in disbelief, “The woman’s fucking death itself, the motherfucker that calls himself ‘the reckoning’—the most selfish piece of shit on Earth! I’ll give you one thing that fucker is, he’s equally a piece of shit to everyone, kudos on not discriminating!”

Suddenly I regretted speaking. It seemed I had struck a nerve, any gall I had to stand up to him was slowly seeping out as I stood there, my hands holding the files to my chest as he stepped back and howled a laugh, “Oh, to be there the day you realize what this man is—the day you realize he stops at nothing to get what he wants, even if that means fucking up everyone’s diligent work and lives.”

Cutting him off, I let my hands fall to my side and stepped closer to him, “What a perfect fit for Bonten, don’t you think? Tell me something you’d never stoop low enough to if it meant bringing much more power to Bonten—tell me you wouldn’t sacrifice some things for the sake of this organization!” I walked up chest to chest to the man and whispered, “To your master, Mikey.”

I suppose I had asked for it, in the end. Maybe I was prepared mentally enough for it that it didn’t hurt when his fist met my jaw hard enough to hear a slight cracking sound. I liked to believe it was his own knuckles, but who was I truly kidding? Between gritted teeth, he whispered, “You have no damn idea what you’re defending.” My eyes started tearing up but my resolve was no less, I replied, “It is so easy to play you that I manage to strike a chord each and every damn time. I know you.” I whispered, taking a large step back just as Mikey called out sternly, “Enough!”

Both of our heads turned to the smaller man by the window as he gestured at Sanzu for something the scarred man patted his pockets for. A few seconds passed as he handed me a paper with a number scribbled on it, “Call Rindou yourself, I’m not giving him the bad news.” Just like that, he walked away, fist clenching and opening and eyes filled with murder. It seemed a simple way to describe it but there were no other words, and yet, I knew his anger was not directed at me for some reason.

“If he hates me that much, send me to another errand with someone else.”

“You are going.” Mikey stated as he slowly turned around to face us, although ‘us’ had shifted to ‘me’ as Sanzu walked out of the room. “Or throw another tantrum, demonstrate you’re not cut out for this for the umpteenth time.” Mikey’s steps were quiet, reluctant, but steadily approaching me, making me fear what would happen next. I was taken aback already by his harsh words, but to have him come close to me again? I needed to keep my mouth shut no matter what, I couldn’t fuck up. I had gotten too comfortable, too open with him, it needed to die down.

“Do you understand that things will not always go your way? No matter how hard you try, someone will always fuck up every calculated thing you’ve ever done, every effort you’ve put in will go to waste in a blink of an eye—in one change of heart.” He took a deep breath and looked at me with some sort of gentleness in his gaze, “Do you know why?”

A silence.

I held his gaze for a moment, fearful if I should even breathe or utter a word. As seconds passed, I whispered a small, “No…”

His hand flew to my painful jaw as he gripped it tight and gritted through his teeth, “Because life isn’t fair.” With a hard push, he got my face away from his and stepped back, “Some people are selfish, and no amount of selflessness will ever balance it.” He sighed defeatedly before looking over his shoulder and at me. The blank stare had returned, taking up its rightful place on the man’s face. It was free from the hatred that had sparked in his eyes earlier, but there was an uncertainty on whether this expression on his face was better than the one prior. It was surely more familiar, but seeing him like this, I couldn’t help but wonder how suffocating it must be to shove all that he felt deep inside, far from anyone.

He gestured my way, “You will find your way out on your own, Rindou should already be on his way.” With that, he left the living room to join Sanzu. I only stood there for a few seconds before getting into the elevator and adding Rindou’s number into my phone. I was never keen on adding their full name in there, instead I put the two men dancing and a thumbs up, the good twin emoji—it made sense in my head. 

I quickly texted him, telling him I was assigned on an errand with him, and if he was not already at the location perhaps he could come to pick me up at Mikey’s place.

His reply was more or less what I expected.

👯‍♂️👍: whos this

To which I replied with my name, adding just in case it did not ring a bell, “Hanma’s girl.”

He was already typing. It stopped, returned and stopped again as he finally replied.

👯‍♂️👍: the slaughtered little lamb

👯‍♂️👍: ??

👯‍♂️👍: finally getting ur number after all this time

👯‍♂️👍: oh this is good

👯‍♂️👍: whats mikeys address tho

👯‍♂️👍: shit rans gonna be pissin himself when i tell him

👯‍♂️👍: r u sending the address or

All these messages had been sent consecutively without even a second for me to reply and he was already pressing me, how hurried was the man? As I was typing it in, the screen lit up with his contact. I was hesitant to pick up but did so within a short debate of three seconds.

“I was texting you the address.” was how I started. There were no formalities or anything, it was for work, why would I ask him if he was fine or how his day was going?

I heard him howl a laugh on the other end of the call, the microphone was odd and it made me understand he was driving and probably had put me on speaker or, even better, on his car’s microphone and speakers. A loud honking followed as he spat something at someone on the road, then his light voice returned, “It really is you! Ah shit, this is so funny, I needed to make sure and stuff in case one of these bastards were tryna prank me or somethin’.”

“That’d be a bit childish, I don’t think they would do that. You and your brother are probably the most immature–”

“Yeah, you don’t really know Takeomi, make one joke about whatever and he’ll take it personally and beat your ass—but who cares, the address come on, come on, come on.” This felt like a normal conversation, albeit with him rushing me over and over. I had to cut him off by telling him the address or he’d keep repeating ‘come on’ which was starting to get on my nerves. Of course, he kept saying it a few more times as I told him the place, so I had to repeat myself, then he was good and sighed, “Ah, that’s Mikey’s place, shoulda said that.”

Closing my eyes for a brief moment, I took a deep breath. I had told him, by text, but the idiot was too caught up in the weird elation of having my number that he did not pay attention. I chuckled, “Yeah, I didn’t know if you knew where to come, better safe than sorry, right?”

He hummed out loud then barked out a laugh, “Anger management classes sure do fucking wonders on someone as insane as you.”

“I don’t have anger issues. And I’m rationalizing that you’re just that stupid, so why would I get mad, you know?” I smirked proudly on my side of the phone, hearing an indignant huff from the younger brother on the other end of the call. Instead of retorting anything, he told me he’d be there in two minutes, which he estimated correctly.

Two minutes on the clock and a car stopped in the middle of the road, honking a few times for attention. He was blocking the entire street, but pulled down his window and got his head out with his elbow resting on the side, “Get in, your slow ass is blocking the road, come on.” 

Outraged, I couldn’t let out any proper sentences, I could only look like a fish as I opened and closed my mouth on my way to his car in a rush. When I tried opening the door, it was locked—Rindou rolled his eyes and unlocked it. This man amazed me with how much he could blame someone other than himself even for the smallest things. As I slid inside, he started the car immediately, the seatbelt too rigid for me to pull it as he sped up all too suddenly. Once we were on the highway and he settled on a certain speed, I could finally put on my seatbelt and as I did, Rindou let go of the wheel and used his knee to hold it still.

“Mikey’s file probably mentions one dude but there’s three—he doesn’t ever let go of his two minions, so that’s embarrassing as it is to be the henchman of a guy that works in construction, not gonna lie.” He pulled out his phone and texted someone rapidly, his eyes leaving the road and making my anxiety spike up. Nodding alongside his words, I hummed in agreement as he added, “It’s your first fun job, right?”

I gave him a small yup.

The silence didn’t even have time to settle before Rindou sighed loudly, “Why are you on crack during meetings and acting all quiet now?”

“Do you want a real answer or is this small talk?” I asked dryly.

“Do I look like I do small talk?” Rindou replied rhetorically, his gaze clearly telling me he found me more than idiotic right now.

Giving him a huffed laugh, I replied to him, “You look like you wanna get on my nerves and if I let you, I’ll bear the consequences of both of our actions. I’d rather stay quiet.”

“Yeah, but that’s boring, aren’t we like… supposed to open your chakra out there? Or whatever Mikey said, true self and whatnot. Fucker’s a cryptid.” He shrugged, taking a sudden turn when he almost missed the exit he was supposed to take.

There was a sincere huffed laugh that escaped my nose amidst the gasp when my hand gripped the handle above the window for stability. It was starting to get warm in the car from the sun outside so I pointed at the dashboard, “Could you please turn on the air conditioning?”

“Do it yourself, what are you, twelve?” He retorted, grabbing his sunglasses from the nook above his head, putting them on with quite some style. “I’m being polite. I’ll do it, but fuck’s sake you’re a dick.” I retorted, to which he laughed loudly and opened his window, yawning dramatically at my words. Bringing his hand to his mouth for effect, he then turned to me, his index raised, “Bitch,” he raised his middle finger too, “and moan. That’s all you do, and it’s not even fun.”

The back of his head hit the seat, “We still got like fifteen minutes to go, so make it fun! Here–” He grabbed his phone and lifted it to his face, unlocking it, before handing it to me, “Get Ran’s number, send him a text and fuck with him.”

I locked his phone and tossed it in the nook of the dashboard, “What am I, an iPad kid?” I asked in disbelief.

“Ugh, you’re so on the defensive. I’m not the one who tried to fuck you in an elevator—hell, I’m not the one who drugged someone and fucked someone else in front of that first someone!” He exclaimed in annoyance.

“Oh no, you’re just an innocent bystander, right?” I asked with fake pleading eyes, earning myself a shake of the head from the man next to me.

“You’re so bitter my mouth feels watery. You know what they say—when life gives you lemons, let the lemon go kill a man to set her free like a bird!”

There was a short silence, then I turned my head slowly toward him, “Lemons are sour, first of all. And if he speaks, I won’t have to kill him. I don’t enjoy killing–” Lie. And she had to remind me of that when I saw her in the rearview mirror, blood pouring from her eyes, her mouth, the middle of her forehead—which made no sense, she was killed by a bullet to the chest. I was not heartless enough to shoot her in the head. It was my imagination once more. I had to ignore it, like Mikey said; the more I paid attention to it, the more she would come back.

“Yeah, that’s why Mikey brought you in, huh? To ‘not enjoy’ it all, no, yeah you’re right.” Rindou commented, shutting his mouth for a moment. But that moment only lasted as little as it took him to draw in a deep breath. He added, “Usually teamwork here has some sense to it, you know? Gotta have the perfect combo of brains, brawns, creativity—craziness, if you will.”

I smiled mockingly, “And you’re clearly not the brain, so what are you?”

“Koko’s the brain today, I’m the brawn and you,” He flicked my forehead enough to make me wince, “You’re gonna be our little Picasso! Basically, Mikey got some fun stuff out in the warehouse where Koko’s waiting, yeah?”

I nodded, a bit apprehensive about where this was going but let him continue, finding it still rather enjoyable to have him not be too annoying right now. Maybe I could stop biting back too and just relax slightly. Ran wasn’t here, it could be alright. 

With one hand on the wheel and the other towards me, he started drawing shapes in the air as he spoke, “So there’s a little tray on wheels and tons of tools to scare the guy, but if he doesn’t speak, you’ll use it. First I’m gonna beat him up, and if he doesn’t spit it out, it’s your turn!” It all sounded rough and genuinely fucked up, so why was I feeling somewhat excited? My heart was beating faster, was it from fear of messing up or in excitement of proving myself? Was it that I could finally let everything out if that man didn’t speak?

I let out a short laugh and pushed Rindou’s arm away, “I’ll do it right off the bat if you don’t want to break your nails, you know.” I joked, focusing on the road ahead to ignore that still-sitting ghost of hers in the backseat. Her presence was making me uneasy, but I was trying my best to avoid her gaze in the mirror, mouth moving this time but there was no sound. Rindou looked into the rearview mirror and huffed almost in disappointment at seeing nothing, but looked back at the road, “Ran goes to the manicures, not me. Last week, his usual girl asked if he wanted to get gel nails or something—shit, he got pissed and stormed outta there, it was so funny.”

“He looks like he has an over the top skincare routine.” I commented off-handedly, making Rindou burst out laughing, a laugh that turned into wheezing for a few seconds before he finally calmed down and leaned over the wheel with another loud sigh, “He does though, every step possible, rose water, masks, everything.”

“You look like an all-in-one kinda guy with the little you know about that shit.” I commented playfully, making him huff a short laugh as he pulled to the side of the road suddenly and stopped his car, looking at a few cars passing by. His eyes were focused, serious, something I so rarely saw on any of the Haitanis. I knew not to interrupt upon reading the mood.

Once his eyes parted from the road, he started the car once more and drove back in his lane.

Lowering the volume of the radio, I called out his name and earned his attention, “What was that?”

“Didn’t you notice they’ve been tailing us?” He asked in half-disbelief, half-annoyance that was more aimed at the people that had been following us. I shook my head and immediately started looking around to see what else I had been missing. I felt like an idiot to have let my spite for the Haitanis win over my awareness, or paranoia as Hanma called it. Glancing at Rindou, I noticed that something was going on in his head, he was not really there, he was thinking, gears turning while staring right ahead.

As if on cue, he spoke again, “We’ll take a different route, I ain’t leading those fuckers to our warehouse.” Resting his head against the seat, he grinned and threw me a smirk, “Buckle up, I’m gonna make sure none of them are following us.” 

With wide eyes, I stared in confusion ready to ask what he meant, then my hand flew to my seatbelt when he increased the speed and started driving like a madman, getting honked at each car he zigzagged between. “Shit, this is so fun!”

“You have a fucking death wish.” I spat at him, closing my eyes only for a moment until I opened them and started to bathe in the adrenaline I was feeling. Laughing like a maniac—or was it like a crazy kid?—Rindou replied, “You don’t trust my skills? We’re not gonna crash, don't worry.”

Giving him a stony look, I hissed, “I’m going to kill you.” The emphasis explained my former words, he barked a laugh and only sped up even more, “Okay woman, keep that energy for later, yeah?”

Him not taking me seriously had me feeling mixed emotions. Was I pissed off because he did not think I was capable of it, or was I relieved for the same reason? Or perhaps did it make me feel sort of normal in the moment to have him be this casual about a threat that even I didn't know if I meant as a joke or not? Taking his phone again, Rindou unlocked it just like before and handed it to me, “Text Koko we’ll be there in 15, fucker’s gonna be mad we’re not there on time but it doesn’t matter.”

“You know I have his number, I can do it from mine.”

He fully faced me for a second, his mouth gaped, “Heyo, you have his—and he has yours?! Ah!” He scoffed, “Been tryna get your number through him for ages and he’s been telling us he doesn’t have it. Oh, that—oh, that twink’s in trouble.” He huffed in shock and offense, I believed. Smiling, I thanked Koko for not folding. I didn’t know what the Haitanis would have done if they had gotten my number during my paranoia. I would have made more mistakes than I thought possible, I would have probably looked insane too.

“That’s rough, huh?” I said proudly, texting Koko who replied in seconds with a simple ‘ok’.

The adrenaline of earlier was slowly dissipating and by the time we arrived at the warehouse, a place that smelled of salty sea water and fish, Rindou made sure to comb his hair quickly before getting out. Upon leaving the car, the rising temperature hit more without the air conditioning and I pulled a bit at the collar of my shirt. 

Seemingly, Rindou shared my vision and took off his jacket to drop it on his seat, leaving him in a black polo t-shirt. Because wearing a simple shirt was not enough. I was sure it was expensive, and he did look the part too. The shirt tucked inside his gray suit pants, just as fancy as his shoes and watch were. This man was not dressed to kill, he was dressed to get laid.

“Gawking much?” He raised a brow, pushing down his sunglasses slightly on his nose to give me an arrogant smile.

I shook my head and walked ahead of him, “If you’re going to dress this pricey, you should look into a cute little trenchcoat like that man has in American Psycho. That way your shit won’t get ruined.”

He laughed and brought his glasses back in place, “Hell if I care, I’m not gonna look lame if I have to represent, woman.” He said the word in a comical manner. Giving him a tight smile over my shoulder, I held back from commenting further and entered the shabby building. I noticed how everything seemed to have stopped dead in its tracks, cranes carrying huge containers, boats by the harbor still filled with fish and other catch, and lunch boxes left on some barrels.

Had Bonten asked them to leave for a certain amount of time? Was that their agreement? I did not see anyone around here, it would make sense why Koko was keen on being there on time. I wondered…

“Come on! Get in! Are you nervous or something?” Rindou nudged me from behind and forced me inside the building where three men were tied on chairs with Koko sitting on some dirty barrel, his phone in hand. The men were exhausted, they were barely moaning or pleading for their lives—how long had they been there?

Koko looked up from his phone, his hair falling over his beautiful white outfit. Both his shirt and pants were white, or more so an egg white shade. He wore some sandals and was speckless. 

My eyes flew from Koko to Rindou as I uttered under my breath, “I’m guessing I’m the one who’s going to get dirty?” A nervous laugh escaped my lips. It was a relief when Koko chuckled as he shoved his phone into his back pocket and walked up to us, “Looking at you, I don’t believe it’s going to be a huge loss if this gets messy.”

With a silent gasp, I closed my mouth and held back a smile at the comment he had thrown at me, “You are in a good mood, that’s nice.” I added, shaking my head in disbelief, only now noticing Rindou had gone up to the men on display. He punched one and pressed his knee against the groin of the man in the middle, “What’s your rank? I’m not gonna waste time on cockroaches.” The man under him hissed and spat the blood that had pooled up in his mouth, his gaze meeting Rindou’s without fear. Not a word escaped.

Rindou smiled. “Aight crazy, they’re all yours.” He got off the man and turned around, cracking his knuckles. The man called the younger brother a wuss under his breath and, in less than a second, he received a knee up his chin, a clean crack easily audible, “Watch your tongue, I’m being a gentleman here, yeah? Let the lady show her skills.” Rindou said in a pissed off tone mixed with mockery.

With that, he got out of the way and pushed the tray he had mentioned earlier. I felt my interest piqued as I made my way to it and gave it a good look.  A handsaw, screwdrivers, all different sizes and shapes, knives, a whip even—a scalpel. There were even forceps, and that drill dentists used; there were many more items and I felt a shiver run down my spine at the mere sight. Slowly, I grabbed the gloves and put them on. It felt weirdly comforting, a familiarity settling in my brain as I pushed my hands into the fabric, following movements I was unaware why I knew so deeply. I watched my reflection in the scalpel blade and smiled at it, it felt nice to be useful.

“Put this on at least, I’m not a dick.” Koko said, tossing me a black latex apron that I caught without much thought into it—about to wrap it behind my back, I felt Rindou’s hands grabbing each end of the ties as he pulled at it like a corset and tied it tightly before leaning over my shoulder, “Latex looks good on you.”

I elbowed him in the face and clicked my tongue before walking up to the three men, Koko laughing to himself on the side while Rindou grunted and muttered under his breath.

Clearing my throat, I crouched in front of the man in the middle and smiled, “I don’t think your rank’s gonna be that useful. Your info is important to us, so just tell us what you know and you’ll walk out.” I patted his knee.

He hissed in disgust, “No thank you.”

I nodded and stood up with the same sweet smile, my entire body burst aflame as I finally stabbed his cheek with the scalpel I had been holding. I did not pull it out as I leaned over him, “If I say please?”

His eyes widened. When he tried to speak, blood poured from his mouth but he still grinned, “Cute act, but no one cares about you. I know who you are, you’re The Reaper’s bitch.” Before he could even think of anything else to add, I drew the scalpel down to his mouth, splitting his cheek open wide. 

A howl of pain tore from his throat, guttural, deep. I placed a hand on my chest, “I felt that.” Looking down at my hand, it was slightly shaking but I needed more of this thrill. He needed to disrespect me more, to show me how rotten he was and how little he deserved to live. I was needed for this. They wanted me for this, it felt so unbelievably good to have them watch me give them exactly what I have been called here to do.

I pressed my forehead against his; he tried hard to pull back, but I gripped his hair tight and held him there, blood from his attempt at spitting insults at me tainting my apron. So I closed my eyes, “Shh, shh, it’s not very feminist of you to define me through a man, you know?”

“The fuck do I care?” He uttered with a wild tongue that spilled its edges out of his mouth through the large gap on the side of his face as he spoke. I clicked my tongue in response and let go of him brusquely, making sure to rip a chunk of hair in the process that I tossed on the man on the right. “Well, I care! And you should do everything to please me since I’m the one in control right now.”

“Kill me. I won’t say shit.” He spat, quite literally as there was more blood spilling from his mouth than even a small hint of a threat in his words.

Quirking a brow at first, I then frowned and shook my head, “Well I care, killing you would be–”

The man ignored me completely and looked over at Rindou and smiled at him—one would claim some homoeroticism from that, but I knew he was being blatantly disrespectful—then in the most annoying tone he called out, “Why don’t you try getting shit outta me? She sucks.”

I saw red. Not quite literally, but I knew the embarrassment I felt had fueled the rage at my very core which, luckily, was allowed to spill over today. I was allowed to let it all out and not hold back, just for this, to show I was good at this. 

Feminine rage could fuel anyone enough to do the most atrocious acts.

My hand that still held the scalpel tightened around the handle as I gripped it with my full fist before shoving it upwards through his nose cartilage. A soft crunching noise followed before the guy started breathing weirdly. Before he could speak, I leaned over ever so slightly and asked, “If I pull it out, d’you think there will be some snot on it? The people wonder.” I scoffed, letting go of the surgical tool but it was so well-balanced inside the man’s nose it did not fall. I found it rather funny and huffed a laugh under my breath before turning around and taking a good look at the tray.

I knew what I needed, it was going to be rather annoying for him, of course, but they would love it. It was not too painful, he would live, right? All he needed was to speak up and stop being a rude piece of shit and it will all be over–

That’s a bit fucked up, even for you.

I heard her.

Why was she here? My eyes widened, I looked around quickly trying to see where she was—but Mikey said not to pay her any attention—she shouldn’t be here though. Not when I was trying to let it all out, to let her out instead of staying as myself, as this stupid idiot that’s paralyzed over noth–

The wheel of the tray hit my shoe and brought me back to reality as my eyes met Rindou’s. He raised a brow in confusion and perhaps with some tinge of judgment, “Need glasses, crazy?” He gestured at the tray.

Chuckling, I crouched by the tray and ignored whatever sensation I had of being watched by anyone but those very real and tangible people around me. I rummaged through some things, making sure not to cut myself and finally placed my hand on exactly what I needed. Immediately, I stood up with my hands behind my back and grinned at the man with the scalpel through his nose.

With a roll of my eyes, I plugged it out of there and tossed it on the ground, “You look embarrassing.” I commented as I started swinging in place from my toes to my heel a few times, not once breaking the silent staring contest, fully aware I looked childish but the self-consciousness I was supposed to feel had yet to make its way to my brain.

The man sluggishly said, “Are you a dumb-ass?”

With wide eyes and a slight pout, I stopped my movement and leaned towards him, “Take it back, I was going to be super nice.”

He scoffed, “Shoot me, I’m fucking bored.”

I nodded in understanding, “Let’s make it fun then!” With a dramatic effect, I brought my hands back in front of me and showed off my little treasure, a tiny ‘ta-da’ slipping from my lips. The man’s gaze oscillated from my hands to my eyes; as he stared, I started working on it.

It was harder to focus in this state, but once I managed to thread the needle, I grinned, “I’ll fix you up, cause I’m nice like that. I’ll admit, I went a bit hard on you.” With that, I needed to get his attention fully on me so I grabbed the back of his head, his hair neatly held between my fingers as my hand laid flat on the top of his head. “It might sting.” I warned him—I was no nurse, and flesh was rather different than any fabric I had ever sewn.

Maybe I shoved it a bit too far.

Maybe the needle threaded through his cheek and his tongue, but I could not be to blame.

He howled in pain.

I suppose it hurt, but his screams had been incessant. I managed to ignore it.

Lower cheek, tongue, upper cheek, repeat. Four times and it was… “Like new!”

Just as the words escaped my mouth, the man pushed himself and made the chair fall, his back hitting the floor—not one thanks left his mouth. Only attempts at insults, but he could hardly speak.

Now he was trying to crawl back, slowly putting some distance between us. I tilted my head to the side and for a second, time seemed to have stopped. My body moved on instinct solely, muscle memory ingrained into my fibers guiding my movements towards the vision I was seeing. What needed to happen.

I blinked, and here I was, the scene so familiar it hurt my brain to ponder it any further, holding a sledgehammer with both my hands behind my back before I lifted it and slammed it on his knees.

I was met with horrid screams of pain and fear, added to them was the crushing sound of his bones snapping under the pressure—although those were not the only things that snapped. He had been stupid enough to let his weakness win, to yell at the top of his lungs, ripping the stitches I had spent such careful time on putting together. He still hadn’t stopped wailing, he was just scurrying away like a worm on the ground. The sight was pitiful, I groaned and said, “You keep yapping and yapping, and fucking yapping!” I exclaimed.

Fear and disbelief were almost all that filled his gaze, but something was much stronger as he stared at me straight in the eyes, just one wordless sentence: let me leave.

It was not happening, not in these conditions. So I did as my work required. I grabbed his ankles and pulled him towards me; he was fast to kick my arm in a last resort defense as he screamed in utter pain. I let out a dry laugh before dropping his ankles, massaging my hands in the process.

“Oh, you can still use them?” I asked, gesturing to my own throat, or rather the vocal cords. “Gotta fix that, right?” Pursing my lips mockingly, I went to grab the sledgehammer once more but heard Koko call out my name sternly. He received a glare as my sole response.

He sighed, “Focus. Kill the guy or let him rot but we don’t have all day.”

I huffed a laugh, “Brains, brawns, and crazy. More like, killjoy,” I pointed at Koko, then Rindou, “Bit funny,” then myself, “And real fun.” As I shut my mouth, I dropped the sledgehammer with a roll of my eyes. The handle of it fell on the man, which earned me a heartfelt insult from him, but also exhausted expletives from Koko. Raising both my hands in defense, I chuckled, “Hey, I dropped it. No more sledgehammer.”

As quickly as I said so, I dropped to my knees, half-straddling the man’s chest once I took back a hold of the scalpel. Immediately, I cut off his tongue and stood up, “Done! Nothing else, promised!” And I was a woman of my words, I still had principles. I also did not wish to see any more of him, so I grabbed a tarp to throw on him, “So you play dead and I’ll let you live, pinky promise.” I said, hooking my finger with his before I covered him up.

Everything felt so hazy in such a good way. It was a high I had never felt, ever. Was this all from the thrill of it? It sounded so simple, but that’s all I could blame it—beating a man up and hoping he would speak. Or was I hoping he would speak? The less he was cooperative, the higher the chance of me being able to let all my frustration out.

With a heavy sigh, I turned around and stood once more in front of the two remaining tied men. As I raised my hands before talking, I noticed some stains on my shirt and rolled my eyes, “Messy mess, yikes.” I rolled up my sleeves to make sure I did not see the blood then started, “So! Who’s gonna talk?” I asked. It was a simple question that required a simple answer, and yet they all stayed quiet, except for the one that really needed to keep his mouth shut.

The man under the tarp tried to yell out something. Not only was it awkward to hear, but it was a breach of our promise—he had made a sound. I turned towards Rindou and said, “Kill him. If he can’t play dead, he’ll be dead.”

Rindou quirked a brow.

“Please?” I added sweetly.

While pulling out his gun, he nodded and commented, “See, education is the key for great relationships.” Bang. He did not need to look much to aim for the man’s head without even seeing him under the tarp, “Being kind, you know it’s rare and I’m full of that kindness.”

“Thank you Rin…” I said, only to feel odd by using the nickname and adding, “–dou… Rindou, okay that was weird. Sorry.”

Maybe I was getting ahead of myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have been feeling so comfortable, I was barely starting to get along with the guy.

But you find him fun. You find a killer fun. Cold-blooded. He doesn’t care. Is that funny?

I shook my head and looked back at the two men in front of me, “I keep my promises, but if he doesn’t do his part…” I gestured slitting my throat, “You know?” I gave them half a smile, “So, who has the answer?”

The man on the left made a sound.

With a short nod his way, I asked, “Leftie, yes?”

“Will I live if I speak?” He asked, barely above a whisper.

“Well, someone has got to live to tell the tale, right? So, the one who gives me the most important info gets to walk out alive—now, I can’t promise unscathed ‘cause you might need a nudge at some point.” It made sense, but I didn’t think it would be efficient enough that one of them would rush to speak to me the moment those words left my mouth.

The one on the left was the first one to give us something, “We… we know you’re the ones behind the gala Friday evening.”

Rightie added to it, “It’s a trap so no one’s coming!”

The awkward silence that followed almost brought me to tears with laughter but instead I gave them a long stare. Koko stayed quiet too but texted someone while Rindou met my eyes as if to tell me they were much more stupid than we expected.

I hummed, “Well, you’re either dull or you’re not being told shit, guys. Sorry to break it to you. Let’s think, yeah? Why would it be a trap?” I asked, gesturing for them to go on and give me some genuine replies.

Leftie replied first, “Many people—there’s too many people going, any of them could be there to kill our–”

Interrupting him, I raised a brow, “Your people? Like you’ve been killing ours? Come on, we’re at least civil enough not to kill when there are civilians around. Call it having some decency.” The last word was said in a higher tone, it was probably not a word they were familiar with either, considering how low they were ready to hit. “See, involving innocent people would be almost as low as… ah, yes! Lacing drugs to try to kill surely only bad, bad people, but guess what! That actually ends up killing those that didn’t ask for shit, who would’ve thought!” I saw Koko gesture from the corner of my eye to wrap it up, or get some shit out of them so I pressed some more.

With that they started dropping the most useless information ever; taking turns, they would speak one after the other. The sole useful information was the name of some of our dealers that were compromised, which would help for the rat extermination I suppose, but nothing more. Rin and Koko were getting impatient, more so the latter than the former. I needed to get something good out of them, anything.

“Enough, enough. You know jack shit, so we’ll make a deal, yeah?” I said, smiling sweetly.

That seemed to intrigue every man in the warehouse. I was treading murky waters, but I could make something good out of this.

“Here are three things I’ll need you all to provide me with, yeah?” They nodded, I patted their cheeks condescendingly and grinned, “One, the address for where the next deal is happening–”

Rightie cut me off, “How would we know?”

I tutted him, “That’s your problem, isn’t it? I need it, so get it for me. It’s simple.” I looked back at the tray and grabbed wire cutters, then snapped one of his fingers off, “That’s for interrupting me, by the way. God, stop screaming, it’s just a finger!” I said, covering my ears for a moment until he shut his mouth.

With a sigh, I continued, “Dos! Gotta be kind and give us your next meet-up address too, unless Shibata is dumb enough to have only one set address. Hm, could be. Doesn’t matter, I need it.” They looked at each other but kept it at exchanging gazes and not words. They knew it wouldn’t have gone their way, had they started talking. How tame.

“And last, but not least,” I grabbed both their jaws and turned them towards me to make sure they were listening, “Make sure your people are coming to the gala. I’d say this one is the most important, but our deal includes all those three simple tasks I’m giving you, yeah?” They nodded while I asked over my shoulder for Rindou to untie them. It felt so nice to be on talking terms, not just uselessly mean comments that had no way of leading anywhere if we had to keep teaming together on the long run.

Glancing at Koko, I was still a bit hesitant and wanted to make sure I was not speaking bullshit, “We’ll keep an eye on you, of course,” Koko nodded, so I continued, “We won’t interact, but you have 3 days! You’re not leaving our sight until it’s done, and if by the end of those beautiful 72 hours you don’t have what we need… well…” I gestured with my chin at the man behind them, “Deal?”

Rindou freed Leftie first, and as he cut Rightie’s ties, the asshole jumped me—I barely had time to react as blood splattered all over my face. That’s when I processed the loud noise that had occurred. That’s when I realized Rindou had shot him before he could properly lay a hand on me, his body falling forward on me when the younger brother grabbed him by the collar and tossed him back.

I slowly turned to Leftie and gave him a smile, “Good boy. See what you avoided?” Something felt off in my tone. I knew it. But I couldn’t help it. It was not something new—hell, another guy had been shot right before, so why was I suddenly fully numb? Why was my mind thousands of miles away at this very moment?

“Get out now, two of our guys are waiting to get you home.” Koko almost dragged the guy out of there and once he was gone, a silence fell. Slowly, I focused back on the here and now, the impossible heat of the weather, the blood slowly dripping down my face along with sweat, the way my hands were shaking and how weak my legs were.

Rindou started clapping before sighing loudly, “That was insane!”

Facing him, I chuckled, albeit nervously, “Insane ‘yay’ or insane ‘nay’?”

He pursed his lips in doubt, “I mean, you’re efficient for sure! Give it time and you’ll make a name for yourself, you know?”

“As fun as this was, you,” Koko pointed at me, “made a fucking mess, and it was painful to watch. You were something else out there. Something that needs to be looked over.” He paused, as if assessing what was up with me then scoffed. “But glad you’re back to your normal self, for now.”

He looked back at Rindou, “And you? You enjoyed the show, seeing how little you did to stop any of it.”

“Hey, can’t blame me, it was so much fun to watch, don’t you think Koko?”

The latter shook his head and started walking out, “Whatever it was, I’m done. You both get home safe. I have a lot of shit to do, a gala to prepare–”

“Little date with your blondie?” Rindou called out.

All Koko replied with was a middle finger over his shoulder, leaving me with Rindou.

The brother shoved my side, “Aight, you look like shit, so I’ll be nice.” He sighed dramatically, throwing his arm over my shoulder casually and in no flirtatious way, which was rare. “Let’s get some drinks, you look like ass. But don’t stain my seats though, I think I have some wipes for Ran’s hands or whatever in my car.”

I looked at him in confusion and had to ask, “We… are getting drinks? You and I?”

“I mean yeah, we just finished a job. Gotta relax, crazy. D’ya ever do that?”

“I’ll text Hanma that I won’t be home right away then…” I trailed off, still confused.

Rindou called my name again, I looked his way and he took a picture, “I’m updating him, don’t worry.”

Just as he sent the picture, I sent my text.

As we got to the car, I wondered in the back of my head. Will Hanma get jealous?

[Part 6]

[bittersweetresilience]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FELIX

someone put on the birthday music. huh? you can't decide?

[justarandompersononthehellsite]

So... @muffinlance wrote a really awesome story. I read a post from a point in time, though I truly do not remember when since it seems like I've been working on this project forever, saying that she gives blanket permission for people to print and bind the story into a book (I think there was an also addendum saying that they do not give permission to be sold, since selling fic is illegal). This fic has had total control over my whole brain since it was sent to me (@creatorofthemind I believe it was you, so thank you forever for tuning me into it) back during the days of like chapter six or seven.

So here I am now, sharing this amazing journey of my first ever bookbinding adventure. Further reading below.

So to give you an idea of what's going on, this is a fanfiction about Zuko (Avatar the Last Airbender) (animated show version, the LA show did not exist yet and we do not speak of the movie) being adopted by Hakoda, Father of Katara and Zuko. (This might have also been what kicked off the Give Zuko A Parent craze, but don't fact check me.)

Overall, the characters from the show stick very well to the cannon versions, but where MuffinLance really shines is in the rich backstories and fleshed out feeling of all the non cannon elements. Especially the background characters. I would argue that the writing in this peice of fanwork could easily rival the cannon show at many points of comparison.

Now that you have context, we can get into the actual process.

To start, I used this guide to figure out where to even begin, and fount the included resource list to also be quite helpful. I cannot for the LIFE OF ME figure out where I found the template I used for the front matter and such, but it must be somewhere and I will link to it when I inevitably come across it again.

Then I began to typeset. This step took... a long time. I worked in chunks from about September of 2022 to late March of 2024. I would get a big section done, sometimes even the entire thing, but then find I hated the way I had done it and give up for months at a time. Such is the life of ADHD and flitting interest in projects I suppose.

And then finally, step one was done, and I was left with pages on a word document that look like this. (And do please let me know if you want the link to the document. It was so much work, and I would love to not be the only one to use it.)

Next step was printing out this beast. Ended up being about eight pages of front matter, and about 630 pages of body text.

That I printed wrong.

Twice.

Before finally getting it right. And then not getting a picture of it, because I finished at 4 am and had work at 7, and am also an idiot.

Then I simply stitched along, putting everything together into a beautiful text block.

And came up with a design for the cover.

Yes the glue did end up lumpy. Ignore it.

Yes I did have to sketch out the design onto a scraped page several times before I figured out what I was doing. Ignore that too.

The cover design does wrap around the entire cover. No I did not get a picture before I glued the thing down. See again: I'm an idiot. And just... massively impatient.

Finally, we get to the stage of gluing. Behold, my bookpress.

Of course, topped with Madam MuffinLances own actual professional-people book, Fox's Tounge and Kirin's Bone. It is Excelent. Here is the LINK so you can go and support this amazing author with the real-monies as well as the internet-kudos.

Then, once everything is glued together, one must give the book its "gilt" edges.

[soupmanspeaks]

I think that it would be really funny, for how proud William is for being British, he just could not for the life of him stomach tea, like he still drinks it but its because he "simply has to" (he's grasping the mug handle with enough strength to cut off the circulation in someone's hand as he's drinking it, mind you) and Michael on the other hand, just, loves tea, and it sparks this petty jealously out of William, because why can his pathetic loser son drink tea and not HIM

and it leads to funny scenarios like -William struggling to stomach some Earl Grey- "Father, you do know you don't have to drink it-" -William throwing the mug at the wall and grabbing Michael by the collar and going:- "YOU THINK YOURE SOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN ME, DON'T YOU, MICHAEL? HMM? GO AHEAD AND LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH AT YOUR PATHETIC FATHER FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO DRINK THE SYMBOL OF BRITISH PRIDE!"

"FATHER I JUST SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DRINK IT-" "WHY? BECAUSE YOU WISH TO KEEP THAT LEVERAGE ON ME? OHOHO, YOUR SCHEMES WON'T WORK THAT EASY ON ME, MICHAEL!"

[purrfectlycontent]

i may be going insane