#salt on the wound was the 2 other birthdays that same week before mine I made treats for bc they were my friends | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

secreto-draco · 7 years ago

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gert centric fic ,with hints of gertchase, exploring a bit of gert’s pan sexuality and early friendship with karolina. and also there’s molly.

fair warning people;

1) gert is Jewish Latina cause the actress who plays her, Ariela Barer is latina and jewish.

2) spanish is my 2nd language,and i have lived in a country,Chile-south america for 7 years,it’s been a bit over a month being back in the USA,so i speak castaño-meaning basic universal Spanish,with hints of Chilean slang,moreover my spanish grammar ins’t perfect so bear with me.

3) i’ve left the ending open-so i could write one more chapter from either or both gert’s and chases’ view -let me know if i should.

4) the time is kinda altered here-the astronomy project occurs a bit after Amy's death.

p.s shout out to @carolruwer who agreed to be beta.thank you so much :)

ill get out of your hair now;

It’s her 7th birthday, all the invitations clearly stated so, even the banner hanging overhead and the icing on the cake. But once again the father -daughter duo that is, Frank and Karolina dean have stolen the show. It shouldn’t bother her- she doesn’t like being on being in the spotlight anyways (it makes her anxious, kind of like her head’s underwater) and quite frankly [pun intended] it’s the norm. People and yes including, Gert Yorkes herself, can’t help but turn to Karolina when she floats in, she’s ethereal like a fairy or an angel or some being of light.

Yet Gert can’t help feeling bitter and invisible, even with a giant piece of cake on her plate that spells out her name in bold lilac icing, and a table set to the side holding gifts with tags that literally say,’’Happy Birthday Gertrude’’. Because right now, sitting on the edge of a circle with all her classmates, who only engage conversation and play with Karolina moreover, even the mothers who are supposed to be over with all the ‘’superficialness’’ and are supposed to be mature and nice to everyone, only happen to ‘’pop in’’ under guise of parental checking just to compliment karo, always with; ‘you look beautiful.’’ ,’’so sweet’’.

What is worse, is that after complimenting karo, they don’t stop to wish her a ‘’happy birthday’ they don’t even glance her way, instead choosing to go off to Frank Dean to loudly (seriously ladies chill) proclaim and shower him with compliments for his daughter; precious and remarkable. And to tell him that he’ll need to keep an eye out for boys, especially ‘’that chase stein.’’.

it burns her all the way down, fills her to the brim with shame, makes her cheeks red with embarrassment and her eyes sting with frustration and hurt. This party was a bad idea. She just wants it to be over, so everyone can leave, but unfortunately; there are games to play and ice cream to devour. So, it would take at least a few more hours till sweet solitude.

Amy and alex had left earlier to go inside to play video games in the living room, Karo is surrounded by her adoring ‘’public’’ alongside best friend Nico, Chase seems to be engaged with some of the boys playing soccer. Molly’s snacking on chips and pizza. Her parents are offering everyone their homemade cheese and joking around. Contemplating, maybe she could just slip up into her room to read, it’s not like anyone would notice plus she’s sad and bored, but just as she’ heading in,

‘‘hey Gert, you get the first try at the piñata. ’it’s chase, tone playful and boyish. Turning to him, she doesn’t fail to see his furrowed brows or his line of site. Chase, it seems, whilst clueless to her plan; has not failed to notice her on her own, or that currently, Gert is halfway inside through the patio door. He gestures to the bat he’s holding out to her, bringing a smile to her face. Giddy, she rushes off to make it rain candy.

Much later though, various parents gather them around for pictures and Gert’s perking up a bit, at least until she hears;

‘’Karolina, dear come stand next to Gertrude, you’re barely in the picture.”

Followed by;

“Karolina.come quick! I want to take a picture of you with the rest of your friends, you look beautiful in that dress of yours.’’

Standing next to Karolina who is glowing more than usual: flushed cheeks and shiny eyes from playing and laughing, not a single hair out of place and in a still crinkle-free baby pink dress and spotless white ballet flats, Gert feels less, in her army green shorts and purple blouse and old boots, long hair knotted and tangled, cheek scrapped. Rubbing salt to the wound is that, every picture taken focuses on Karolina. And the person who she feels closest too, her best friend, Chase looks just perfect on the left side of said blond blue-eyed girl, both beautiful and flawless; seeming to fit together.

In the end, though, just before leaving, Chase drags his mom over to take a picture with his best friend and birthday girl, his proclamation making Gert’s cheeks warm; and Molly, appearing out of nowhere jumps on her back and sings, terribly off-key’ happy birthday’-and quite loudly , in her ear, just as Mrs. Stein clicks on the camera.

She may be invisible to the world, but Gertrude Yorkes has her parents and Molly and Chase, they always see her.

2012

The ear-splitting bell had just released them from class and rushing out to meet the others in their usual corner in the playground.

‘‘Hey Gert, hold on a sec.” she barely hears him, but she stops. He’s short, a brown-haired kid with a combo of a weird smirk and smile;

With a rushed out ‘‘Hey thanks, ’ he starts walking with .Strange as it is, it’s also kind of nice, especially because everyone only talk to her just to ask her about-

‘‘So, you’re friends with Karolina?”. Of course. There is such a eagerness in his voice, making it obvious that he can’t play it cool.

‘‘Yeah”. She knows she’s being curt, but Gertrude Yokes doesn’t care.

‘‘And Chase, too? ’he keeps prodding.

‘‘Ye-’‘’

‘‘Do they, you know, like each other? Because I was thinking of asking Karolina to be my Valentine. And I want to know beforehand if she likes Chase or anyone else. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or cause any problem” he’s being so boyishly nice and bashful and sweet. Damn Karo.

No, I don’t know. And we’re eleven, we’re kids so we don’t normally talk about this stuff.’’ It comes out of her mouth in a rush, like strong waves crashing forcefully and loudly on the beach and the foam that’s left behind, dirty in the sand, gross and icky, is her embarrassment when she realizes what she said and how she said it.

‘‘bye, nicetalkingtoyou!” rushing the words out she power walks over to her friends, who are goofing off, Gert tries to ignore the burning in her heart and the way her blood is sluggish and cold.

Two weeks later, her card box only has 6 “Happy Valentine” friend cards, one from each of her friends: Molly, Chase, Nico, Karolina, Amy and Alex.

‘‘Molly asked me to put hers in for everyone, because she wasn’t allowed to come in and do it herself” says Chase, with a shy voice carrying a similar box, except his is full. She smiles in response.

*Whistles* ‘’Damn Karolina, did the whole school give you a card?” and her smile drops, Karolina’s got two boxes, bursting at the seams, Nico next to her, has a full box as well. Her eyes land on Alex and she feels better and a bit of kinship: they’re both in the same boat.

‘‘You need help there, Alex? ’voice playful and laced with sarcasm, she tosses in a wink.

‘‘You got your hands full, Gert. Doubt you could help me with mine.” He answers with a wink back. Self-deprecating humor for the win!

‘‘Let’s head out, whose place are we hanging out this time? ’asks Chase, his voice strained, sharp and heavy.

huh. Weird.

2012

She’s arguing with some jerk, he calls her a bitch. And just as she’s about to respond it’s Karolina that’s softly, yet firmly, tells him to watch his mouth and to leave. It surprises her. For the rest of the day she keeps talking with Karo, hanging out and it’s nice. She’s sweet, sometimes sickeningly so, but she treats her with respect and talks to her even when it’s just the two of them.

Two days later, though, Karolina starts acting weird. They’re in Alex’s game room, their usual afterschool hangout, and the seven of them are making plans for the weekend. Gert proposes to watch a scary movie at the movie theater.

Karo and Nico share a glace and look at her weirdly, then Karolina says:

‘‘Gert” voice stern and tone chastising it doesn’t suit her, Nico, sure, but not Karo, who adds:

‘‘If you don’t want to go to the sleepover it’s fine, but don’t just assume we won’t go either’ ‘

‘’What sleepover?’’ asks Gert curtly.

‘‘Don’t play dumb. Eiffel’s slumber party, she’d invited all the girls in our class, back on Monday.’‘

‘‘I wasn’t invited” even though her voice is steady, she can feel the humiliation staining her cheeks and shame settling on her shoulders. ‘‘I didn’t even know.”

‘‘oh….Gert I’m sor-“ starts to say Karolina, but Gert’s quick to stop her:

‘‘It doesn’t matter, though it seems like you and Nico won’t be able to hang out with the rest of us.” Then turning to the others; voice strained and forcefully cheerful; “So, what’s the plan kids?’‘

That weekend Alex has an online video game thing, Chase has a lacrosse away match and Amy has a school project. So, she and Molly have their own sisterly sleepover. It is awesome, fun and cozy.

2 months later;

Her friendship with Karolina has always been rocky. Karo’s a mama’s girl, the perfect girl, ethereal and nice. On the other hand, Gert is... well she’s Gert. They’re both too different, besides what friendship doesn’t have its patchy moments and difficulties. And moreover, it must be difficult for Karo to get along with her too. So, Gert tries, but things don’t always go smoothly.

Karolina usually has church things to go to, to be a face for it or just support her mother, but it comes in the way of their friendship a lot, mainly when Gert’s inviting her and the others to things, because if Karolina can’t come, then automatically no one ‘’can’’ come to her thing, whatever it may be. She tries not to feel snubbed and bitter, furthermore, her stance on religion doesn’t help, it usually just adds to the tension. Other times, it’s their differing personalities like now;

There’s a garage band that she hears off in the neighborhood which she wants to check out, but Alex isn’t into it, neither is Karo because, as she puts it, “loud angry music” is not something she’s into. She tries not to be offended or too sensitive about it and, ‘’luckily,’’ within seconds Chase is butting in offering up his plan. He does that a lot. He can’t side with either Gert or Karo so he always ignores the issue and friction at hand and proceeds to move the attention to something else. It bothers her that her best friend won’t stick up for her, especially when it’s against Karolina.

They end up hitting the Arcade and going for ice cream, Chase’s suggestion. And when she gets her period midway through, it’s Karolina who helps; handing her a pad and loaning her an extra pair of gym shorts. Coming out of the bathroom, she shoots a thankful little secret smile to Karo, who returns it with a soft one of her own. And that little secret makes things a little bit better between the two of them.

2014

Getting to take music lessons is a fun 13th birthday present from mom and dad. And even though Gert knows without a shadow of a doubt that she really likes chase. There’s this girl who sits next to her with piel morena y pelo negro. She has shining black eyes that light up when she’s being mischievous and sparkle when she smiles. She is beautiful, but not the angelic kind like Karolina, her beauty has a sharp edge and ruggedness to it, as does her wit, which can cut you in half. Valentina is also kind and sweet and mischievous, a bit of a trouble maker. She and Gert start to hang out a bit after class and, within a few weeks, Valentina is a regular visitor at the Yorkes’ household.

For Gert it’s refreshing to have a friend outside of her usual group of friends and even outside of her school circle. More importantly, having becoming friends with Vale boosts her confidence, even though it shouldn’t. Now, when all her friends within the “pride group” have their own thing, she doesn’t feel pathetic anymore as she’s no longer alone when they’re all busy.

When with the group she doesn’t feel out of place because she now has a friend to share certain interests with. Her research on feminism, for example. Her parents are feminists so hearing them talk openly about stuff is liberating and researching and learning has opened her mind and she feels she is a better person because of it. And nowadays, thanks to being able to share this with Valentina, she doesn’t have to nervously ramble about it with her disinterested friends. She doesn’t need to ask them to go with her to check out indie bands or to join marches, she has her parents, Molly and Vale for all of that.

A month into their friendship, she and Valentina have shared a kiss somehow,someway and in the end the details don’t matter, what is important is that it feels good. It’s different from kissing Chase, who was her first kiss when they were 12, they’d both wanted their first kisses to be safe and with someone they could trust, thus,with a touch of the lips, they’d kissed, but she’s not going to delve into that, too many feelings, too complicated for just a simple brush and press of lips. And that’s when it hits her, like a piano, loud and heavy and man it should have been obvious-she likes both boys and girls, and that maybe, maybe gender doesn’t matter to her. She’s attracted to Karolina, who’s both beautiful inside and out; she strongly likes Chase, who is someone she never wants to lose, someone who makes her feel safe, Chase who is all heart and soul. She likes Vale, who’s spunk and sweet and who shares interests with her, such as music, feminism and mischief, which she’s coming to like. Valentina who’s loud, who doesn’t make her feel small or shameful or patronized or last.

She continues to share little pecks with Vale sometimes, it’s nice and she likes Vale quite a bit, not as strongly as she feels about Chase, but that’s not something she wants to ruin with awkwardness with either of them.

Unfortunately, Karo catches her and Vale one day in Gert’s sound proof basement where they’re supposed to be working on a piece for Mr.Ashraff’s drums class, and the tensions rise too crucial heights. For days on end Karo’s quiet and tense and terse around her, spying on her through the corners of her squinted eyes- is Karolina homophobic?

Thus, once again, Gert doesn’t feel quite safe in the group and is on the brink of frustration when one day the seven of them are hanging out in Alex’s game-room. After yet another side eye from Karolina, she bursts;

‘‘Got a problem, Karolina?” her voice cold and bitter and angry to hide the hurt and the anxiety.

‘‘no.”

‘‘okay, good.”

‘‘good.”

‘‘I’m going to get some more soda” walking out to give herself a moment ,to reign in.she’s not alone,

‘you two okay? asks Chase in a soft yet concerned voice, sharing a worried look with Molly.

‘‘yeah. of course.’’ she’s lying so obviously lying, and by the looks on their faces, molls and chase know too.

She needs to avoid this confrontation, so Gert rushes back into the room and throws herself in her spot, pretending to look busy on her phone.

Craving something sweet Amy drags them all to timely for baked goods and frappes.

It takes her a bit to decide, but eventually she gives her order hesitantly to the annoyed barista. Gert feels accomplished, she doesn’t how or why she feels so uncomfortable at times, but she isn’t going to let it control her, she’s going to own that bitch one day.

“Oye bandadia’,(hey badass/bandit) calls her a teasing voice underlined with pride, for her? She turns so abruptly that she gets whiplash, and it hurts her neck. And yes, she isn’t hallucinating, it really is Valentina giving her a teasing smile with those shining lit up eyes.

‘Cállate cabra, probaste el vanilla frappe?” (shut up weirdo [goat],have you tried the vanilla frappe?) she manages to answer reigning in her nervousness. She’s still a little anxious about her order, but still, small victories, besides it’s seen as making conversation.

‘No, pero mi hermano sì y le gusto” (No,but my brother has,he liked it)Valentina tone ringing with teasing and smug and her lit up eyes, she knows, ugh, the little shit.

“ah, okis, hola” she says almost as an afterthought after realizing she hasn’t properly greeted her yet. leaning in to touch her cheeks and to make the kiss sound, only Vale kisses said cheek loudly. Afterwards, Gert can feel her cheeks warm and can also feel the group’s eyes on her, well not Molly’s because she knows Valentina and greets her the same way Gert did, except this time Vale doesn’t peck her cheek. So much for playing it cool. Proceeding to do the introductions to try and keep the attention away from her, more specifically Karolina’s, who is starring-hard. ‘‘everyone this is Valentina, a friend of mine from music class, vale, everyone.’’.

Bit’s only when they are back at Alex’s place that they start questioning her;

“what was that thing that you did and why did she kiss you on the cheek?” surprisingly it’s Chase. is it her or is he sounding rather insistent? And what is he prodding for?

‘‘She’s Chilean, now American Chilean, and in South America kissing each other cheeks or pretending to and just touching and making the sound is a common way of greeting people. And since she misses her home country, and since both Molly and I are Latinas, ‘I’m Jewish Latina, she’s asked us to greet her that way.” Gert automatically answers,it comes out sounding like she’s tossing in an obvious factoid-good, cause she’s anxious right now.

‘‘Oh..That’s sweet of you. ...and Molly” with a soft breathless voice and melting eyes. She doesn’t understand why he does that with her sometimes and she’s not sure she wants to know because it does things to her, and she doesn’t want to dig into that either, shit. are her own eyes doing the same? So, she lowers her head and fiddles with her frappe’s straw to keep herself busy.

‘but a kiss on the lips is just a kiss ’‘she can’t be serious.

‘‘‘Yes, a kiss on the lips, it’s usually universally meant for, you know, either love or lust or whatever people feel when they kiss.” Nope. She’s not going to let Karolina get to her. She won’t look at anyone or anywhere, yup she’s just sipping her frappe, it is delicious.

‘‘Gert?” just the sound of her name and how can someone sound so vulnerable and quiet and yet loud and baleful with only just a one-syllable word. But that’s just how Chase is. She makes the mistake of looking up at him and his whole stance has shifted, he’s tense, standing with his back straight, jaw clenched, Adam’s apple bopping, neck muscle pounding and his brown chocolate eyes are the color of burning onyx and are showing swirling hints of pain, sadness, anger and a few other things she can’t really discern. The air around Chase, chase is heavy and charged.

‘‘Valentina and I have shared a few kisses.... I’ve come to realize that I like both girls and boys, I don’t care about gender to be honest.” Her voice is quiet and firm, but she can feel the fear stirring up in her. She has realized she’s either bi or pan-sexual (yes, she’s been researching) and these people won’t be her friends if they’re not okay with it. She has her parents and Molls whom she has spoken with and have accepted her and they don’t love her any less because of it.

She’s tall and defiant, pushing down the fear; no one says anything but her sister comes to stand beside her, tan hand on her shoulder,squeezing, giving love and support, Moll’s brown eyes locked on the rest of the pride kids, cold and alert.

Looking at Chase and she sees that he has changed yet again. Now he’s looking at her softly and openly, but his eyes are still the color of onyx with all that swirling darkness, his aura is lightly tinted with loss and anger, his stance has relaxed, his arms hang loosely on his sides, but for some reason he looks defeated.

‘‘Chase?’ her voice comes out tentative, even she doesn’t know what she’s asking for. Acceptance? Understanding? to at least say something?

‘Gert” he says openly, standing in front of her, “you’re my best friend, always”, and she’s tearing up and she can’t take it anymore, so she clutches him to her and his arms wrap around her tight. Then he releases her, but plants himself on her right, throwing his arm around her shoulders, clutching her to his side giving her safety and support.

‘‘I don’t get it, but it’s okay. ’Nico says and then her, Alex and Amy and even Karolina all pull her in for a hug. It’s one of the best feelings ever.

Later she is left alone with him., everyone having left for their own homes but chase had come and stayed at her place, and Molly’, had feigned tiredness and retired to her room, the little sneak.

‘‘You like her, Valentina I mean?’‘he’s looking at her inquisitively.

‘‘I kind of do.” She keeps quiet and for some reason she feels guilty like she’s said something wrong. She and Chase have a well-balanced friendship that’s bordering on domestic, it’s easy going, even though sometimes it feels like a relationship to her; just without the label and the kissing, but it’s not and it’s best to break out of it now because he doesn’t like her, at least not like she likes him so it’s better to try and move on.

‘‘Are you or will you be dating her?” the more they talk the more dejected and frustrated Chase sounds.

‘‘No and no. I kind of like her, but I don’t want to be with her that way” she answers quietly.

‘‘Why?”

“I don’t know. She asked me on a date and I said no, because it didn’t feel right. Don’t get me wrong, kissing, it’s more like pecking to be honest, we’re still kids, pecking her it’s nice, but maybe I’m too young to date or maybe I can’t give her what she wants. She wants to build an established relationship in the future and Vale’s feelings are so much stronger than mine. I feel like we’re friends and we’re figuring things about ourselves, being bi or pan or whatever, it’s a slow road we’ve just found ourselves walking, and at this age.... She was disappointed with my answer but she accepted it. She’s asked for some time and space before we can go back to being friends.’’ It’s the truth, those were the things she told Vale except Gert’s leaving out another part, the one where she feels too strongly about Chase to entertain getting in any kind of relationship with somebody else. It wouldn’t be fair to Vale or herself. But there’s no chance in hell that she’s going to tell Chase that. Luckily, though, Vale understood and gracefully bowed out.

Gert, she’ll come around and be a friend to you again. Though probably time and distance will be good for both of you.”

‘‘I know” she answers pulling him in for yet another tight hug that day “Thank you, Chase’’ She’s pouring all her feelings in that hug and drowning in his security, she knows she’s putting herself on the line but it’s ok for now, she will chastise herself later for it.

During the next music class Vale doesn’t sit next to her or smile her way or even glance at her. And somehow the class had lost some of it’s luster. Within 2 months Vale and her family leave for Miami to be closer to her abuelita.

It’s stupid for her too feel sad, because she lost her friend long before she left,since they weren’t even speaking. But Gert can’t help but feeling sad for weeks until Molly has had enough and crawls into her bed and cuddles with her bringing her love and warmth and sunny, positive and reassuring feelings. She’s so lucky to have her.

The pride kids don’t treat her any different, except for Chase who listens to her, pays more attention to Gert and her rants, and asks her questions when he doesn’t seem to understand and needs further explanations. This is not a bad thing.

Though,looking back, Chase has always like this, constantly careful not to hurt; he checks his words when he does speak, he’s mostly quiet in serious matters instead choosing to absorb and think. It does make him passive at times-it annoys her, cause why won’t he just take a stand! dammit! He’s extra gentle with his strength. It’s heartwarming cause, God this boy is patient and he’s good to his core. He’s witty beyond measure, matching her in battles of wit and snark, which makes him even hotter, if that’s even possible. And Chase is a dork and a closeted theater junkie who likes to apply red tinted lip balm and rock out to “wake me up before you go go”.

2015

Amy’s dead. Alex didn’t show up to the funeral. Nico’s shut down. Karolina’s helpless. Molly is sad and won’t leave her room. Chase is furious because Wilder didn’t show up, so he’s concentrating on lacrosse and his physique. And Gert has being losing sleep and is overall, just losing it.

All of them are drifting apart, but at least Molly comes back to her, crawling into her bed, holding her tight so that no one could snatch Gert away and asks for her lullaby.

Days turn to weeks and then months. Her phone keeps quiet. None of them can stand to be together, so even calls or texts are too difficult to fathom and even at school they avoid each other.

She doesn’t know exactly what’s going on with the others, their absorbed in their own lives. Nico looks buried with guilt. Karo seems to feel helpless so she’s running off to the church. Chase is always looking angry and is slipping into the role of the popular jock living the typical high school life.

Gert develops anxiety and panic attacks, she starts to go to therapy accompanied by Molly -God does she loves Molly.She makes the careful decision to use the doctor’s prescribed pill. With the help of her family, the exercises she’s learnt from therapy and the pill, does she start to get better.

Though after a particularly bad panic attack, her long, long hair was a stressor. [Sentient tentacles pinching and chocking, wrapping around her neck, crushing it and crawling into her mouth and down her throat.] she gets a slightly layered bob with bangs. And purple, from an eco-friendly brand, because she needed the change, something to break out of the after the stifling aftermath that was Amy’s death and the disbanding of the group.

she’s doing alright and life without her friends, the pride kids and Vale, is slowly becoming her new normalcy.

At least it was, until she gets partnered up with Chase in astronomy. When the professor announces it, Eiffel snorts and proceeds to reassure Chase, who is sitting in front of her, that she’ll Snap him to keep him company. Gert feels her blood freeze and tries to control herself because she can’t lose it now.

#gertchase #gert yorkes #chase stein #chase x gert #molly hernandez #karolina dean #pansexual #gertchase fic #gertchase fanfic #gertrude yorkes #marvels runaways #marvel's runaways

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easilyabandonedgirl · 5 years ago

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You weren't ready to talk about it, but this is all you'll ever get.

Here's my truth.

I would say in fairly confident I got pregnant on the birthday. It could have been the next 2 days after, but I'm sure it was the night of my birthday.

Yes, I was on birth control pills. I took them every day, on time, like clock work. No, I did not miss a pill or take one late. But there is apparently something about you and I that makes the universe not care if I'm on birth control. Even though we did go almost a whole year without getting pregnant between Persephone and Lillith. April 2018 to March 2019.

Lillith was the reason I had an IUD put in. After receiving a less than enthusiastic reaction from you at the very thought of a baby, I told myself that if this pregnancy didn't last, I would go to a more permanent form of birth control. You made it very clear that giving me a baby was no longer something you were willing to do and I understood that the best I could. My Dr still didnt want to tie or seal my tubes, and I'm kind of thankful for that. So we agreed on a very long term IUD. So now I have a paraguard IUD in and I've had it since April 23, 2019. I can have it removed at any time if babies are in the plans, but I have to have it removed no later than April 20, 2029.

Anyway, when I started dropping hints that I was dreaming about babies and other people were dreaming about me having babies (which is 100% true), I didnt know I was pregnant. So the first couple of days when I said that I wasnt pregnant, I didnt know I was then. I found out a couple days later. I know I pushed a little too hard on the subject and thats what drove you away. But I wanted to know that you would be there for me, at least emotionally. And when you stopped replying to texts or answering calls or calling me back, I panicked. Wholeheartedly freaked me out. When I said that you mean more to me than anyone, even a baby, I meant that.

A couple weeks went by and things were pretty much back to normal with us. I was still holding on to this tremendous secret and I honestly, didnt know what I was going to do. I knew I had time to think about it still, but I didnt want you to freak out and reject me and our baby if I told you the truth. Not that I thought that was what you would do, but I was scared to even risk it. I wasnt willing to take the chance of finding out how you would react at the time. I was terrified of everything.

So I woke up the morning of a March 27th and told myself that I was going to tell you, to your face and accept whatever happened after that. You had already told me the night before you were going to come see me that day after work. I was so ready to butter you up with kisses and blowjobs and pizza and backrubs and shower time and just being the most overly affectionate human being ever. Do you remember what happened the day of the 27th?

You called me when you got out of work to tell me your were leaving. You cancelled coming over to see me, you hung up the phone on me and refused to do anything but text me. I didnt know what to do. I finally built the nerve to sit you down, face to face, and tell you the truth, accepting whatever reaction you were going to have as my fate. Then you cancelled our night together and I took it as a sign from the universe to keep my mouth shut. So I did. I kept silent.

A few days go by and I'm about a month pregnant when I start getting so fucking nauseous that I cant do anything without throwing up. I tried to hide the pain in my body with other things, I blamed being sick on anxiety (though my anxiety was outrageous, it was only 10% of why I was throwing up all day.) I couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt shower without puking my brains out. It was horrible and I'm certain my anxiety made it worse. I tried hard not to think about you leaving or about keeping this secret from you.

There were moments, so many moments, I caught my subconscious mind sending you signals. We would be laid down and my hand would put your hand on my belly without me even thinking about it. I was asking for belly rubs and back rubs and asking you to rub my feet because everything hurt so bad. There were a few moments I thought you knew or that you were wondering. One of them was the first time we had sex after I hit 4 weeks and my body starting becoming overly sensitive. I didnt notice it the first time, but as I had 8, 9, 10, 11 screaming orgasms, I thought to "Holy shit. He's going to know if I keep this up. Hes going to ask."

The next 5 or 6 times we had sex, I tried so hard to keep quiet. To keep my screaming to every 3rd orgasm. We have great sex and it's not unusual for you to make me cum 2 or 3 times. So I told myself if I only scream every 3rd or 4th time, you wouldnt become suspicious. So that's what I did.

The last week we were together, before you left, we had two rounds back to back where it was just unreal. In total I remember something like 18 or 19 orgasms. I laid beside you and you looked at me and I remember it just being such a different look on your face. I was like, "fucking fuck I'm fucking busted as fuck. Hes fucking going to fucking ask. Fuck it. If he asks, tell him the truth." But you never asked. You just closed your eyes and even when I asked, "are you thinking about something?" You said, "just about how tired I am." And I subconsciously placed your hand on my belly and we took a nap.

Now you're probably going to hate me in a thousand different ways for this, but it's the truth. When you didnt come over the Tuesday before you were leaving, I told myself I needed to make a choice. Your stuff was packed. You were leaving and there was nothing I could say or do to stop you. I wanted our baby but I wanted you more and I thought if I kept her, you would exile me. So I called and set an appointment to have an abortion. It was one of the most horrific feelings I've ever had during a phone call. My appointment was set for April 23rd at 8am. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. So I started drinking, heavy and fast. I wanted to numb myself. The one thing I said I was never going to do again in my whole life, I now had to do. It was emotionally tormenting to say the least. I had convinced myself that no matter what I did, you were going to hate me regardless.

So I drank. And for 3 days it was all I did. It makes me a horrible person and makes me sick to stomach just thinking about it. I hate every inch of who I am because of it. I deserve to burn in hell fire for all eternity for what I did. Theres no excuse for it and you're welcome to judge and hate me, but you should know it will never surmount how much I judge and hate myself for what I did. The drinking started causing complications. That's why I was suddenly in enormous amounts of excruciating pain. My uterus started contracting and I knew I was going to miscarry. I could feel it happening all over again. The same exact lain I have become so accustom to.

I begged to Gods to keep me together until you left. Just two more days. They were kind enough to give me that. I didnt want there to be any conflict between us with you so close to leaving to the other side of the country. So close to your birthday. So I kept my mouth shut and tried to keep things as normal between us as I could. I wasnt going to be the reason to made any big life decisions. I wasnt important enough for that, nothing about me was that important.

The morning of you leaving came. When I first got our of my car at Mugu Rock, I saw your face and I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you everything. All of it. Beg you on my knees and plead with the Gods to make you stay. Right there in the gravel, in front of anyone and everyone. I didnt care about anything but not losing you. We sat on the rocks at the beach and stared off into the deep waters, across the horizon. While you were taking mental pictures of everything around you but me, I couldn't focus on anything but you. Memorizing the way your hands felt against mine. I fought hard to memorize every inch of your handsome face, every inch of your body, to count the gold flakes in your eyes and the green speckles. One by one.

You squeezed my hand and it made me want to tell you everything. I was just going to blurt it out and let it be what it was, whatever that was suppose to be. But I turned my head and saw a tear fall down your face. I heard you sniffle and I could feel all your pain and the heartbreak you had. There was no way in hell I was going to add to that. I knew in that moment that I had to keep my secret. I couldnt bare to watch the strongest man I know break down and dare to be the little cunt who adds salt to your already open wounds. I couldnt do it, there was no sound coming from my mouth when I opened it. I wiped the tears from your face and suddenly had no urge to say a word.

I lost Lillith on April 18. I never made it to the clinic. I already hate myself and know it was my fault. 100% my fault. I was drinking for a few days. I wasnt eating, wasnt sleeping, no water. Nothing. I laid in bed after you left and pretty much wished to die every single day for weeks. I laid in bed, that was it. I distinctly recall there being two days I didnt even get up to pee. I let my body suffer because I genuinely wanted to rot into a corpse. I had pain in every inch of everything. When I lost her, I didnt go to the ER, I didnt see my Dr. I just laid there hoping it would kill me. I saw my Dr on April 23rd. He confirmed my miscarriage and told me I looked like shit. He was right.

He did blood work, ran tests. The typical stuff. That's when we found our my kindneys were so dehydrated that they were failing. That's why my apartment fell into such disarray. I was really hoping the whole thing would just kill me. And I kept up my facade with you every day. Keeping to conversation turned on you, and how you were doing so I could avoid talking about me.

I didnt want to tell you I lost her. I told myself there was no point because what was done, was done. There was nothing I could say to you or do to bring her back. So there was no reason in my mind, at the time, to tell you.

And that's the whole truth. Start to finish.

I'm positive you're going to hate me, think I'm vile and foul. You're right. 100% accurate. And I know my sorry wont count at all after everything I did. But I am wholeheartedly sorry. I know I handled everything wrong. All of it. I know in my heart you would have never hated me or left me for dead back then. But I was so scared. I let my anxiety and fear run the show and it cost me everything.

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