#salami's speed dating

[salamiwrites]

MATCHUPS MASTERLIST!!

Ask

-Shinobu Kocho

-Kaedehara Kazuha

More to come!

SALAMIWRITES © 2024. Meow!

[tpwk-formula1]

Lee-Lee’s Pizzeria

It’s time to custom-make your Pizza (fic)!!

Here at Lee-Lee’s Pizzeria, you can order whatever you like with as many toppings as you would enjoy!

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Lee-Lee’s Pizzeria will be closed from October 1st - October 15th so I can catch up on all of your orders (right around 25+ currently) as well as make sure all of kinktober gets done on time! At 12pm PST I will open requests back up on the 15th.

Server

Pick 1 or more! I do poly fics! (Only written a couple so far so they might be a bit rough to begin)

Lando Norris

Max Verstappen

Charles Leclerc

Oscar Piastri

Carlos Sainz

Lewis Hamilton

George Russell

Fernando Alonso

Alex Albon

Daniel Ricciardo

Pierre Gasly

Ollie Bearman

Franco Colapinto

Logan Sargeant

Jack Doohan

Liam Lawson

Kimi Antonelli

Dino Beganovic

Toto Wolff

Seb Vettel

Pizza Crust

At Lee-Lee's we understand that all great pizzas start with a great crust just like how fics start with a great trope! Pick 1

Thin Crust - Brother's best friend

Thick Crust - Sugar Daddy

Cauliflower Crust - Sunshine x Grumpy

Gluten-Free - Enemies to lovers/ Rivals

Deep Dish - Teammates to lovers

Sicilian Crust - Dating or hooking up

Pizza Sauce

Here at Lee-Lee's our sauce is the overall vibe of the fic! Pick 1

Red Sauce - Rough Sex

Alfredo Sauce - Sweet Sex

Pizza Toppings

Pick 1 or more

Pepperoni - "Be a good girl, and you'll get what you want"

Sausage - "Better not waste a drop"

Olives - "Swallow every last bit. NOW!"

Jalapenos - "Always such a fucking brat"

Onions - "I saw you being a little slut"

Green Peppers - "I'm gonna have that ass glowing red by the time I'm done with you"

Tomatoes - "Do you enjoy pissing me off?"

Mushrooms - "Wrong, wanna try again"

Salami - "Such a little cum slut"

Chicken - "Awe, you thought I'd let you cum that easy?"

Basil - "I love to watch my cum leak from your pretty pussy"

Garlic - "I know you love it when I fill that pretty pussy with my cum"

Cilantro - "Stop crying and fucking take it"

Roasted Peppers - "Such a good whore"

Artichokes - "Imagine your father saw you now. On your knees like a proper trained slut for me to use"

Bacon - "What would your brother think if he caught us"

Banana Peppers - "Look so pretty riding my cock"

Ham - "You're so infuriating. Walking around like you own the place and then come back to my room to get fucked properly"

Buffalo Chicken - "Such a fucking crybaby, just fucking take it all"

Spinach - "Awe I love to know I stretched you out just enough to take all my cock"

Pineapple - "Look so pretty wrapped around my cock"

Arugula - "I love stretching this pussy out"

Broccoli - "Made just for me huh?"

Gorgonzola cheese - "Are you always this fucking loud?"

Parmesan cheese - "Awe... did that hurt? Tuff luck I'm gonna do it again"

Mozzarella- “All you ever do is bitch and complain, just fucking take it”

Feta cheese - “God, I love watching your makeup get ruined”

Cheddar cheese - “cumming for me already? Such a meedy slut”

Roasted Mushrooms - “Fucking you so good you I can see myself in your tummy”

Roasted Artichokes - “im gonna put a baby in you”

Gouda cheese - “Slow down? You just told me to speed up, make up your mind silly girl”

Red peppers - “No. Go change”

BBQ Chicken - “Gonna let me cum in you? I know you wanna have my baby”

Canadian bacon - "Do you need an attitude adjustment"

Meatballs - "Why do you always have to complain?"

Chorizo - "Alright, you spent my money. You know what to do now"

Pulled pork - "God, I love when I fuck the attitude out of you"

Egg - "My favorite slut"

Prosciutto - "I love making this pretty pussy squirt"

Anchovies - "How are you already drenched"

Sweet Onions - "Are you done complaining?"

Cherry Tomatoes - "I can't wait to watch you swell with my babies"

Sun-dried tomatoes - "Gonna look so pretty pregnant"

Provolone - "Always look best with a face covered in my cum"

Ricotta - "I love your voice but it's always my favorite when you're moaning my name"

Goat cheese - "Look so pretty like this"

Buratta - "How many was that? three... I think you can give me another"

Fontina - "wipe that fucking smirk off your face"

Pepper jack. - "If you wanna be a whore go back to his place then"

Colby Jack - "If you keep running that mouth you're not gonna cum tonight"

Romano - "You're the biggest disappointment me to your family. You're a whore and now you're a fucking liar"

Kielbasa - "A preschooler is better behaved than you are"

Kale - "I love knowing I ruined you so good you can only cum when I make you"

Eggplant - "Are you sure you want me to take it baby?"

Shrimp - "I'll be gentle"

Turkey sausage - "Only the best for my girl"

Pancetta - "Your father always finds a way to piss me off"

Roasted asparagus - "Stop trying to get away. Just be a good girl and take it"

Shallots - "I love marking you up. Let everyone know I own you"

Oregano - "Please, let me cum in you"

-----------------

Drink Time

Every great pizza comes with a drink! Just like every great fic comes with kink/s! Pick 1 or more

Beer - Edging/ orgasm denial

Coke - Spanking

Sprite - Size Kink

Dr Pepper - Dirty Talk

Root beer - Daddy Kink

Sweet tea - Dumbification

Lemonade - Body Worship (Reader giving or receiving)

Pink lemonade - Degrading Kink

Diet Coke - Recording Kink

Pepsi - Oral Kink

Diet Pepsi - Biting

Sparkling Water - Spitting

Red bull - Hickeys

Mt. Dew - Dom/ Sub (Is reader a dom or sub?)

Water - Breeding Kink

Wine - Free Use Kink

Black Tea - Choking

Green Tea - Doggy Position

Boba - Anal

Strawberry Smoothie - Bondage

Apple Juice - Pain Kink

Slushie - Safe word used

Sun Tea - Sir kink

White Claw - Crying

Truly - Belly Bulge

Mango Smoothie - Baby trapping

Orange juice - morning sex

Vodka soda - Somnophilia/ sleepy sex

Tequila sunrise - Wax Play

Vodka redbull - Squirting

Coke Zero - High sex

Cranberry juice - Caught in the act

Mojito - Loss of virginity

Old Fashion - Drunk sex

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Dessert Time!

Do you want dessert with your pizza? Dessert will represent if you would like to see aftercare at the end or not.

Yes - Aftercare

No - No Aftercare

Our menu is ever-changing which means new options will be added when new ideas come!

[seminolesubs]

Seminole Subs and Gyros: A Flavorful Journey

Seminole Subs and Gyros isn't just another sandwich shop; it's a culinary experience deeply rooted in tradition and flavor. Nestled in the heart of Seminole County, this local gem has been satisfying cravings and bringing people together for years.

What Makes Seminole Subs Unique?

History and Origin

The story of Seminole Subs dates back to [1992], when it was founded by [Haralambos Petalas]. With a passion for creating mouthwatering sandwiches and a commitment to using only the finest ingredients, Seminole Subs quickly became a beloved establishment in the community.

Ingredients and Quality

What sets Seminole Subs apart is its unwavering dedication to quality. From freshly baked bread to hand-sliced meats and crisp vegetables, every ingredient is chosen with care to ensure maximum flavor and satisfaction.

Exploring the Menu

At Seminole Subs, there's something for everyone on the menu.

Signature Subs

From classic favorites like the Italian sub packed with salami, pepperoni, and ham, to unique creations like the Cuban-inspired Mojo sub, each sandwich is a work of art that delights the taste buds.

Gyros Varieties

For those craving something a bit different, Seminole Subs also offers a variety of gyros made with tender meat, tangy tzatziki sauce, and fresh veggies wrapped in warm pita bread.

Vegetarian Options

Vegetarians need not worry, as Seminole Subs has plenty of meat-free options, including the flavorful Veggie Delight sub loaded with grilled vegetables and savory sauces.

Locating Seminole Subs Near Me

Finding Seminole Subs is easy, thanks to modern technology.

Online Search Methods

A quick search on popular search engines like Google or Bing will reveal the nearest Seminole Subs location, along with directions and contact information.

Mobile Apps

Alternatively, downloading food delivery apps like Uber Eats or DoorDash allows you to order Seminole Subs right to your doorstep with just a few taps on your smartphone.

Social Media Platforms

Follow Seminole Subs on social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram for updates on daily specials, promotions, and community events.

Why Choose Seminole Subs Over Other Options?

Freshness and Flavor

When you choose Seminole Subs, you're guaranteed freshness and flavor in every bite. Unlike fast-food chains that prioritize speed over quality, Seminole Subs takes the time to craft each sandwich with care and attention to detail.

Customer Service

At Seminole Subs, customers are treated like family. Whether you're a regular or a first-time visitor, you can expect friendly service and a warm welcome from the moment you walk through the door.

Convenience and Accessibility

With multiple locations throughout Seminole County and online ordering options, enjoying a delicious meal from Seminole Subs has never been more convenient.

Customer Reviews and Testimonials

Don't just take our word for it—see what our customers have to say!

https://www.yelp.com/biz/seminole-subs-and-gyros-largo

How Seminole Subs Promotes Community Engagement

Local Sponsorships

Seminole Subs is proud to support local sports teams, schools, and charitable organizations through sponsorships and donations.

Charity Events

From fundraisers to food drives, Seminole Subs is always looking for ways to give back to the community that has supported it for so many years.

The Future of Seminole Subs

As Seminole Subs continues to grow and evolve, one thing remains constant: our commitment to providing delicious food and exceptional service to our loyal customers.

Conclusion

In conclusion, Seminole Subs and Gyros is more than just a place to grab a sandwich—it's a culinary destination where flavor and tradition come together to create unforgettable dining experiences. So the next time you're craving something delicious, why not give Seminole Subs a try?

[lonestarbattleship]

State Ship Series: USS IDAHO

There have been two ships commissioned named after the state of Idaho in the US Navy. A third is under construction. The state was admitted into the United States on July 3, 1890.

USS IDAHO (BB-24), Mississippi Class, Predreadnought Battleship, in commission from 1908 to 1914.

Laid down: May 12, 1904

Launched: December 9, 1905

Commissioned: April 1, 1908

Decommissioned: 1914

Date: Sold to Greece and commissioned into the Hellenic Navy

Her design was found to be deficient due to her small size and had poor sea keeping qualities in the Atlantic Ocean. She was sold to the Hellenic Navy in 1914, who renamed her Lemnos. After the sale and transfer, her crew was reassigned to be part of the first crew of USS TEXAS (BB-35).

The Greek Navy found Lemnos' design performed better in the relative calm waters of the Meditation Sea. She fought in WWI, Allied intervention in the Russian Civil War and the Greco-Turkish War. Her sister ship, Kilkis (ex-USS MISSISSIPPI (BB-23)) and her served until 1932, when they become barrack ships.

When the Nazis invaded Greece, the Luftwaffe bombed the two in Salamis Naval Base and sank in the shallow waters. They were raised and scrapped after the war.

USS IDAHO (SP-545), motorboat, in commission from 1917 to 1919.

Laid down: unknown

Launched: unknown

Acquired: June 1917

Commissioned: July 12, 1917

Decommissioned: 1919

Date: Returned to her owner November 30, 1918

She was one of the numerous civilian vessels acquired by the Navy to the patrol coastal waters for U-boats during World War I.

USS IDAHO (BB-42), New Mexico Class, Dreadnought Battleship.

Laid down: January 20, 1915

Launched: June 30, 1917

Commissioned: March 24, 1919

Decommissioned: July 3, 1946

Fate: Scrapped

Built with the funds from the sell of MISSISSIPPI (BB-23) and IDAHO (BB-24).

Rebuilt in the mid 1930's, she and her sister ships were the most modernized of the non-tready battleships the US Navy in commission when WWII began. Consequently, they received the least amount of refits during the war. She was scrapped in 1947.

USS IDAHO (SSN-799), Virginia Class Block IV, under construction.

Laid down: August 24, 2020

Launched: Spring 2024

Commission: Spring 2025

One ship was named for the territory of Idaho.

USS IDAHO (1864), wooden steam sloop, converted to a full-rigged sailing ship.

Laid down: unknown

Launched: October 8, 1864

Acquired: 1966

Commissioned: April 2, 1866

Recommissioned: October 3, 1867

Decommissioned: December 31, 1873

Fate: Sold to the East Indies Trading Company in 1874.

"Completed in May 1866, she ran her sea trials the following August, making just over eight knots (15 km/h; 9.2 mph). Her boilers and engines, ordered as a result of political influence, failed totally to achieve her 15-knot (28 km/h; 17 mph) contract speed. The U.S. Congress, however, stepped in and ordered its purchase. The ship was then modified with sail and became one of the fastest ships in the U.S. Navy."

In 1868, during her trip from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil to Nagasaki, Japan, she made 18 knots under sail. Making her one of the fastest ships of her era. IDAHO remained in Nagasaki for 15 months as a store and hospital ship for the Asiatic Squadron. On September 20, 1869, she started her voyage back to the United States when she was hit by a typhoon one day out. Her masts were ripped off and she limped back to Japan. Little more than a hunk, she remained there until she was decommissioned and sold to the East Indies Trading Company.

NHHC: NH 85971, NH 53479, NH 63306, NH 77440

NARA: 45512719

source, source, source

Norfolk Public Library: smc_mss0000187_003801_004

[tatooedlaura-blog]

Skee-bal

@today-in-fic please and thank you :)

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

He’d had to haul ass through the airport, dodging everyone and their irritating, unsupervised rolling suitcases and then, huffing and puffing from lack of oxygen, discovered his flight was delayed by an hour at least. He’d dropped his phone in the hurry, four pieces retrieved in the end, one lost under a maintenance door he didn’t have time to find a guy with a key to open. Now, jammed between two men who had to be linebackers for the Broncos, he prayed in some form for as much alcohol as the stewardess could legally allow him.

He got a bag of pretzels and a Sprite.

Linebacker A to his left sneezed towards him.

The uncovered Sprite went untasted.

With the way his life had been going for the past week, this was actually one of the better moments, sadly enough.

Some kind of asinine weather completed his travels, slowing down flying speed and landing possibilities, circling for 45 minutes before hitting the tarmac fast and bumpy, an enlightening nightmare for everyone in the plane but Mulder, who was sandwiched so solidly between Linebacker A and Linebacker B that he never moved an inch, forward or to the side. Wanting to kiss the ground when he finally stepped off the concourse, he hefted his backpack instead and headed to baggage claim.

We will not talk about the incidents at baggage claim except to say that ‘motherfucker’ was repeated silently in his head a multitude of times.

Car, street, traffic, home!

Only to see his tux still hanging on the closet door where he’d left it a week ago as a reminder that he had a party to go to.

The only thing that made him not want to die about this impending shindig was Scully … Scully in a fancy dress … Scully in a fancy dress drinking fancy liquor and eating fancy food and he’d better get in gear or else she’d be looking all fancy but be pissed as hell inside because he’d left here there unprotected from all those people she really didn’t want to spend her Friday night with.

Although they were Smithsonian uppities so she’d have plenty of conversation fodder but no one to rescue her when she got that look on her face he knew only too well.

Regardless, he hurried, showered, shaved, spritzed and shimmied until he looked like a million bucks and some change, finally pulling up to the National Museum of Natural History fashionable late.

&&&&&&&&&&&

She’d had better weeks … but in the grand scheme, she hadn’t been shot at so in the end, it wasn’t a terrible seven days by any means.

Then again, when Ritter had shot her, she’d at least gotten to sleep in.

She’d been up and out the door every morning at 5am, coming home after midnight, hating with a full on passion anyone and everyone who wasn’t Skinner. The paperwork nightmare had avalanched, Mulder not there to offer an answer to her questioned where involving this witness testimony or that scrap of receipt that the entire case hinged on. She couldn’t bother him, knowing he’d just say, “um, maybe behind that thing that related to the other thing or in that drawer,” and send her on a wild goose chase with the thing she needed being neither in the drawer nor behind the other thing but in fact, still in his coat pocket.

Plus, if she called him, he’d go off his game. He’d be thinking about the case she was asking about instead of the serial nightmare he was trying to imprison until the end of time plus another month just for fun.

So, she left him alone.

Mind you, they had talked everyday since he left but usually only after hours, discussing useless things and nonsense, Scully doing her best to quiet his mind so he could get some sleep, think about the questions he needed to answer and the problems, inherent, that came with those answers. She could feel him, across the country, calm, relax, begin to drift off with slow words and slower breaths, eventually telling him a quiet goodnight and an even quieter sleep well.

But now, knowing he’d be landing in 37 minutes, she, for reasons undwellable in that sliver of time, took a little extra care with her makeup, her hair, twisting that escaped curl into an oddly perfect position, knowing he’d move it when it began catching on her eyelashes while she talked to him, tuck it back, linger a moment, turn red when he realized what he was doing, linger another second then remove himself to a safe distance, drink, talk, return to the beginning of their recycled game.

She held the fantasy for .4 seconds then moved to find her shoes.

&&&&&&&&&

Standing across the room, she saw him come in, do the standard ‘stop and scan’, hope to zone in on his partner, catch the subtle red-hair, pale skin amongst taller, irritatingly grouped men in black.

Men in black.

He was a man in black tonight.

He was amused.

‘Cause … you know … men in black.

Wow, he really needed a nap or a drink, whichever came first.

But on Scully’s end, she saw him unable to find her, turn the wrong direction, head polar opposite to what she figured correctly as the food tables. When he couldn’t find her, he always headed to the next best spot, knowing she’d show up eventually, given he knew her stomach just as well as she did. About to head his way, she wasn’t paying close enough attention and the accosting took her by surprise, finding her suddenly surrounded by four gangly employees whom she had worked with many times and were, from what she could comprehend given her mind was still on Mulder, asking her if she’d like a tour of the archives downstairs.

The boys were nice, polite but slightly overenthusiastic about all things insect, vertebrate, legged and winged and taking into account how much they had helped her and Mulder over the years, she felt a tugging obligation to follow, listen, offer interest in all the proper places when she really wanted a rum and coke and to talk to Mulder.

But she was some kind of decent human being so she gave her tour guides almost an hour before she begged off, claiming starvation and need to circulate for the good of the FBI, her boss, the world in general.

They were just happy they got to show off for her.

&&&&&&&&&

It was indeed a fancy dress and by the time it sidled up beside him, he had seen it, cataloged it, burned it into his memory for all eternity. The partner wearing it wasn’t bad herself, a smile creeping across his face slowly but surely as she walked towards him, scooting in beside as opposed to across the table like normal partners would.

He was very glad they weren’t normal partners.

“So, where have you been hiding?”

“Kidnapped by McMaster, Philips, Squeegie and Tom.”

Sliding his drink into her waiting hand, “you need this more than I do.”

Grateful for the share, she drank, then, “they showed me the archive … downstairs.”

“Downstairs? Sounds ominous. You should have let me tag along.” Shifting his head down towards her, “any of them work up the nerve to ask for a date yet?”

“Squeegie took a deep breath and said ‘Agent Scully’ but then stopped, started sweating and proceeded to lecture for 20 minutes on Acherontia Atropos. It’s the closest he’s gotten so far.” Finishing off the last swallow of his slightly watered-down drink, she looked at him critically, “we should go get some more of those.”

With a grin, “you go grab some food, I’ll get the drinks and meet you back here in two minutes.”

“Deal.” Tugging at his jacket, “leave this here so people know the table’s claimed. I don’t need anymore irritating small talk tonight. I’ve done enough.”

Removing the coat, “back in a flash.” Flash indeed, minute forty-five to be precise, beating his partner by two minutes, able to watch her return with several heaping plates of nibbling nonsense, balanced alone by some act of God, given the height of her heels and the alcohol just beginning to tease her system. He knew it, could see that shine in her eyes and wanting to smile wider than he already was, he held it in, instead reaching out to take a plate, “I beat you back.”

“I had to fight for the last meatballs for you. Hopefully I didn’t leave a bruise on Dennison.”

He honestly, for half a second, wondered if she was serious but then she waved a toothpicked piece of meat under his nose and he didn’t care anymore. Taking it, devouring it, proceeding through three more, he finally slowed, “how’s your drink?”

“Empty. Thanks for bringing me two.”

“Just don’t slam this one or I’ll be pouring you into bed later.”

And he watched her fumble her salami encircled cream-cheese attempt at filling food, nearly dropping it to the table before she recovered with a stutter, “I’ll … I’ve never … I do not slam drinks, Mulder.”

“Okay, little Miss empty glass.”

Hardly in a spot to deny it, given the empty glass in front of her, she shrugged those well-defined, muscle-sculpted shoulders to throw him off his own game a little then nudged him with her foot, “did I tell you you clean up pretty well?”

“You’re not looking too bad yourself.”

“Not too bad?”

Leaning over, leaning in, leaning down, “give me a little while and there’s a really good chance I’ll be telling you that you are the most beautiful person in this room, probably DC and possibly the world.”

That was a nice shot of warmth through her system and trying to keep her voice even, “little while?”

“Need some more liquid courage. Give me 20 minutes, tops.”

“I think you said it just fine without the liquor or the time limit.”

Warming himself, he returned to the plates, fully ready to eat his way through the pile of cheese, “just help me eat some of this, would you?”

With a smile, she did.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Skinner found them shortly after, then several others they’d worked with on occasion, both happily and irritatingly but Benson took the cake, berating Mulder, belittleing Scully and, in the ultimate gesture of asshole-ness, grabbing her ass.

No one saw the ass-grabbing but they definitely saw Scully’s wrist grab, arm twist, drop that fucker to the ground before she broke his shoulder move a moment later. Leaving him in a whimpering pile of crumple suit and tears, she calmly returned to her drink, fourth now by Mulder’s count, third by hers but who cared given he had never been so proud, feeling the need to cheer, to clap, then kick Benson neatly into next week.

Once Benson had been removed and things had returned to stifling party norm, Mulder came back in close as he had earlier, whispering in the general direction of her ear, “I know just what you need.”

Still feeling phantom hand on real ass, she didn’t care what the hell he might have been implying with that loaded statement, she just knew she was going to follow him and she might as well not beat around the bush, so, with a nod, pointing towards the sea of empty glasses in front of her, “I’ll be needing one of those to go.”

“I don’t think they have lids and straws.”

Already moving from the table, “well, we’ll figure something out.” The moment she moved, she winced, “but regardless, I need out of these damn shoes.”

Not giving a rip about the rest of the ballroom, he took her hand, “I will get you out of those damn shoes as soon as I can.”

&&&&&&&&&

He definitely got her out of the damn shoes but not her clothes, as had crossed his mind at some point after the third Rum and Coke. Instead, she was standing, barefoot, in a calf-length, deep-blue dress, hair falling from that girly twist she’d done, debating the best aim for her last throw.

“Hey, Scully?”

“Yeah?”

“If you hit the 100, I’ll buy you a piece of pizza.”

“Get out your wallet.”

And buy he did, a whole pie actually, half for her, half for him and she treated to the pitchers of beer, “I love that this place has Skee-bal and $2 pitchers after 11.”

“Told you I knew just what you needed.”

Eyes twinkling at him over the edge of her glass, she took a long drink before, “it’ll do in a pinch.”

Well, geez.

He really didn’t need to hear that while she wore that dress with those painted toes exposed and up beside him on the booth, bottoms of her feet dirty, smooth legs …

“Ready for another game?”

Tapping his thigh with those same painted toes, “games are good but my feet are getting cold and I’ve been up since 5 this morning. I’d also really like to get out of this dress and into something in a nice purple plaid flannel.”

“Wool socks perhaps?”

Scrunching toes, she nodded, “yes, please.”

Soon in his car, he debated taking her back to the museum to get hers but seeing her falling asleep in the seat beside him, he nudged her arm, leaning in closer, not wanting to startle too much, “hey, why don’t I take you home and we’ll get your car in the morning?”

Barely registering words, English, surroundings, she burrowed into her coat, mumbling something he needed her to repeat, her lips practically touching his ear, “your place.”

“Scully?”

Suddenly awake, understanding her words and his, she sat up, shook her head, “um, sorry. Actually, if you just want to take me to my car, I’ll be fine to drive home.”

Not really sure what had twisted the gravity between them in the last four seconds, “I … I don’t … are you sure? A minute ago you were practically asleep.”

Embarrassment flooding over the last six hours of back and forth between them, she gave him a passing glance and refocused out the window again, “I’ll be fine.”

Slippery slope, uneven ground, unexplored territory, he put the car in drive, worried and just the slightest bit completely pissed off, “okay.”

&&&&&&&&&&

Dropping her off at her car, she called good-night over her shoulder, then, shutting the door, left him even more irritated and before he could decide to be a complete ass, she drove off without so much as a wave out the window.

He chewed on this for a few minutes, then, given time and talent for going off the deep end, he aimed the car in her direction, driving to her apartment automatically, pulling up and noticing, to his surprise, her sitting on the stoop in front of the main door. Not the warmest of nights, his irritation with her cooled with the temperature as he approached her, settled beside her, put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her against him, “what’s wrong with us?”

“Nothing … everything …” leaning in closer, “it’s too early for this conversation and I’m too tired to curb any revelatory confessions.” Moving to stand, “go home, Mulder. Thank you for shoeless Skee-bal and cheap beer but I need to go inside and get some sleep.”

“Why didn’t you go inside when you got home?”

“Because I knew you’d be coming and I didn’t want to have to deal with you at my own door.”

Irritation was beginning to simmer yet again, “deal with me? What about my having to deal with you? I ask you if you want me to bring you home and you freak out, jump out of the car, pretend you’re awake enough to drive? I just wanted to bring you home so you didn’t fall asleep and die trying to be all independent!”

“Both I and the neighbors would appreciate you not yelling anymore, thank you very much.”

Still looking up at her, he boiled over, “I am not yelling! Fuck,” realizing he might not have been yelling but he was indeed louder than a midnight dark street warranted, “I just wanted to make sure you got home all right.”

Giving him a long look from above, contemplating his tired countenance, she shut her eyes, debating the universe as a whole as it applied to her relationship with Mulder, “I got home fine but I’m not sure you will so come inside. I’ve got semi-warm socks and old sweatpants that have seen better decades and I stole from you three years ago anyway and you can have back in you really want.”

“I’m fine.”

Collaring him, she tugged back slightly, “don’t try to ‘I’m fine’ the queen of ‘I’m fining’ … would you just come inside?”

She could see the wheels churning then slowly grinding to a halt before, “why do we make things so hard?”

Now she ruffled through his hair before giving his skull a good squeeze, “easy is not in our nature.”

As he stood, “you’re telling me.”

&&&&&&&&&

Inside the door, closed and locked, bolted and braced against the outside world, she discarded her shoes, dropping her several inches lower, further from him, but unmoving otherwise, head tilted up to see him, “sleep or drink?”

“Liquor or water?”

“Water, Mulder, definitely water. The last thing we need to pour on the nightmare of us is alcohol.”

“We are not a nightmare, Scully. We are just an exhausted mess. There’s a difference.”

Half wishing water wasn’t the correct choice, “it’s a blurry difference at best.”

Pulling her towards him, he kissed her forehead, “if it were an hour earlier, I’d have demanded the liquor but now, I’d just like the socks and sweatpants, please.”

Scully took his hand, pulling him towards the bedroom, “this way.” Inner sanctum bedroom swathed in shadow, she dug up aforementioned clothing by feel alone, handing him pants, t-shirt and socks, “I threw in your Barney Rubble shirt for good measure.”

And they stood, statued, in the dark, handful of clothes between them until, in a hushed voice, edge of sleep sharp, “do you sleep in my clothes?”

Silent but steady, she walked backwards, dug under her pillow and without pretense, pulled a shirt over her head, groped herself for a moment, undid a zipper and a clasp, dress dropping to her feet. Stepping out of it, she returned in front of him, “yes.”

He studied his beloved rag of washed out cotton Big Bird shirt as it sloped over breast and hung to mid- thigh, “do you think about me when you’re falling asleep?”

She nodded.

“Do you dream about me after you have?”

Another nod.

She would hear him thinking fractured, speed of light thoughts but she waited, wondering which direction things would go, until, “I would like to say something but I’m not going to get it right but I’ll try so just … wait until I’m done, okay?”

Third nod made his heart pound.

But he managed words, “I have never seen you more beautiful than right now, wearing my shirt, naked underneath.” He bit his lip, stumbling over the word naked, “and I’d like to, in the future, come to the conclusion that this isn’t as hard as we make it out to be and the only thing wrong with us is the logic of two illogical idiots.”

Scully invaded his space enough to tug at the bottom of his dress shirt, unbuttoning quickly from waist to neck, “help me get your pajamas on and we can crawl into that bed behind me and sleep until we wake up. After that, we can talk but right now, Mulder, sleep.”

He let her drop his shirt to the floor and pull Barney Rubble over his head, smooth material over chest while Mulder undid buckle and belt, pants exchanged swiftly for sweat, dark socks for gray, “left side or right?”

“Left for now but I can’t guarantee I won’t end up in the middle.”

“Fair enough.” Once hunkered down, buried and burrowed, “Scully?”

“Yeah.”

Through layers of comforter and sheet, he found her face, eyes closing fast, finally moving to shift that section of hair from her eyelashes so he could see her clearly, “in the car, why did you say you wanted to go to my place?”

Before she could shut herself up, “because you have that nice, warm water bed and I was cold.” When he just lay there staring at her, she whispered another ‘g’night’ and drifted off, leaving him to wonder just where she would have made him sleep.

[jd07201990]

(First Pic by @texanstrong) Trevor might not have been the humblest dancer at the school, but he was the most talented. The dance academy he was attending was mostly for the rich, but he’d managed to get in on skill and talent, having been seen practicing at a park in town. However, because he was middle class, while the rest of the boys were quite well off, he tried too hard to stand out. Being cocky, arrogant, putting the other boys down when they’d make a minor mistake. One of the boys he targeted most was his rival, Kyle. Kyle was of equal talent, but came from the most powerful family in the city. Rich, spoiled, he was used to getting everything he wanted, and when Trevor would one up him, or steal the attention with some flashy show of skill or prowess, he would fume, sometimes even exploding into a signature rich boy tantrum. He vowed he’d get rid of Trevor, one way or another. His chance came one day while Trevor was practicing alone in the open studio. Twirling, jumping, going into hip crushing splits with ease, he wasn’t paying attention, the music too lout for him to hear the door open, and footsteps coming closer. Trevor Started to whirl around on his toes, lifting his leg up at a 90-degree angle to gain speed, when his foot collided with something solid and he went crashing down to the floor. He found Kyle, sputtering next to him, blood gushing from his face. His nose looked crooked, with a harsh bump in the bridge. Obviously Broken, Kyle was screaming, hurling threats, when the security guard on duty came running in. Kyle immediately found his opportunity! His demeaner changed instantly, from rage to painful, desperate plea. The guard asked what happened, and before Trevor had a chance to explain he accident, Kyle said that Trevor had roundhouse kicked him in the face, after he’d tried to help him with his balance. He told the guard Trevor flew into a rage, and broke his nose, telling him he was a pretty boy and needed to be taken down a notch. Of course the Guard, being employed by Kyles parents, believe the story. He called the police, restraining Trevor until they came to arrest him. He spent days in the county jail waiting for his court date, not being able to afford bail. His public defender was useless, and so, with all the money and power backing Kyle and his family, Trevor was sentenced to, “1 year – 175lbs” Neither His parents or Trevor knew what this meant. Only finding out when He’d been bussed out of town to a remote facility that looked like an old Military base, hauled inside, and met with the people who’d be running his life for a year.

He’d been shocked at first to see that all the other inmates were massive. The entire building reeked of stale locker room funk. They ranged in age from 18-25, but looked to be the size of a professional, and sometimes offseason lifetime bodybuilder. Some where shy, some more aggressive. Some seemed to change, their personality being warped by whatever was happening to them. Trevor would find out exactly what that something was. Given his uniform, He went through the orientation, they explained that, by the time he left, he’d be 300lbs. The weight the judge had sentenced him to finally made sense. He’d be turned into one of these massive muscle freaks! Losing his cool, he fought, screaming about his future dance career, how this was illegal and so on, until they sedated him, put him into his cell, and started the Hormone infusion. A cocktail of drugs designed to speed up growth, send his body into a second puberty of sorts, and coupled with his new routine, He’d grow into the hulking brute this facility specialized in. He had moments where he’d lose it, crying, or screaming at his instructors, he learned quickly not to, as the punishments were brutal, often life altering and permeant. His first, was a dose of something they called B-O 120. It was a set of shots given under the arms, and just above his cock. For days he had no idea what it’d do, but after a week, he realized its effect. He woke up one morning in a cold sweat, shivering, but noticed immediately the funk that filled his cell. He thought maybe one of the other boys had come in, they always seemed to stink. But realized with horror, it was him. He was sweating like a pig, and the musky scent was coming from his underarms, which, even more to his horror, were filled with a dense wiry bush of matted hair.

Another punishment had been less physical. A few months in, after he’d gained a considerable amount of bulk, he threatened the laundry attendant, because his clothes always came back with the deep pit stains he’d grown accustomed to. This got him a week of “classes” which was really him, sitting in a cold metal chair, staring at some stupid movie about behavior. However, he never really knew what the movie was about, always waking up yawning when the instructor slammed a ruler on his desk. The effects were slow, but soon he realized what they were doing.

The movie was changing his natural behavior. He was starting to walk differently, swaggering, swinging his arms heftily, and worse, scratching at himself unconsciously. A grope at his shorts, or a quick pit scratch, even a long scratch or pulling at his shirts where they’d crawl up his newly beefed up muscle butt. Worse, He vocabulary seemed to include more than his typical level of cursing. Nearly every sentence riddled with swearing, like the dumb meatheads he hated from school. Finally, the words Dude, Bro, Bruh, and so on became common, he knew it, heard it, and hated it, but he couldn’t stop. One final infraction, against another inmate, had sent him to the facility barber, who sat him in the chair, strapped him in, and lowered what looked to be a hair drier helmet down over his head. The barber himself never touched his head, but with a few buttons, the machine went to work. His head felt on fire, heat spread over his scalp, while tingling sharp pains shot over his skin like 1000 mosquito bites. The barber had to gag at one point as his yelps and shrieks of fear were getting too loud. An hour later, the helmet released, lifting off his head, to reveal a brutal new haircut, and his hair was a totally different color. No more classic dark wavy locks. Now, he had his hair in a brutish fauxhawk style, longer and floppy, and brightened into an orangey brown color. To his horror, he was told this was permeant. He’d be able to grow it out, but the color was his forever.

The year went on. He’d outgrown his uniforms like clockwork. Week after week, having to be issued new, larger sizes. The jockstraps and boxers they forced him to wear seemed to be the fastest to be replaced. He wouldn’t admit it, but he knew his cock and balls were growing. He’d been average, not small, but now he had a salami and two large chicken eggs dangling between his thickly beefed thighs. He blushed every time he sat down, having to immediately go onto a lewd, “man spread” legs held wide to not crush his goods.

He smelled worse than some of the boys, obviously the result of his first punishment, and he was only allowed to shower at the end of each day. Having to go through classes, morning workout, the hard labor in the yard, more classes, another workout, and dinner before having 5 minutes to shower under the cold water and go to bed.

Finally, his year was nearly up. He’d gained all the weight he’d been sentenced to. The instructors had even followed the side notes in the court order to focus attention on his legs. He was massive. Bulky, his thighs as thick as a mid-sized tree trunk. His calved were like footballs. His torso was not spared though. HE was built bigger than most NFL players. Arms like ham hocks, hands calloused from all the lifting. His tshirt sleeves seem to always bunch up under his arms, soaked in reeking sweat. He was forced to lumber around, almost waddling from the sheer bulk of his body. He was eating like a starved man, easily consuming enough to easily feed a family of four. He was a brute. A big, smelly, brute. Although he hadn’t lost any of his intelligence, his personality and mind were his own, you’d never know it from the swearing, crude Bro-talk he’d been programmed with, and his ever-present lewd gestures of scratching at his mass. Groping his massive cock, adjusting his lemon sized balls. He was, on the outside, the epitome of what he hated most. A big, Dumb, Meathead.

A week before his release, he was brought to a room with an obvious one-way mirror. Told to stand still and left alone for 20 minutes. On the other side of the glass, Kyle, his accuser, was cackling at what had been done to his rival. There was no way he could dance, that talent scout was going to pick him now that the best dancer in the school had been bloated up into a monster. He was delighted, but his cruelty was ever growing. He gave Trevor a once over, head to toe, then smiled up at the Facility manager, handing him an envelope with cash, and a letter promising more funding from his family if his demands were met. “I think Trevor needs one more thing, just to make sure he can’t manage to learn to dance with that bulky body. Is it possible to make his feet, more, disproportionate? Bigger?” Kyle asked with malice. “Of course. We’ve got compounds and treatments that can do just about anything. This,” The manager waved the stack of cash, “should cover it.” Kyle shook the man’s hand and left, while Trevor was collected from the room and brought to the Facility treatment center. He was told to relax, as they strapped him onto a table, locking his legs in stirrups. He struggled just a little but was too afraid to misbehave. He asked questions, what was happening, why, but no one talked to him as a few of the treatment staff put an IV into his arm, and then started to strip his sneakers, socks, then started to rub and massage his already large size 17’s with a warm grey looking goop.

It took no time at all for him to feel the dull, aching pain he’d come accustomed to, as “growing pains” from his year of forced growth. His toes splayed, and he grunted, as the IV pumped the activator through his veins. The goop was soaking into his feet, his muscle, his bones, and was starting the near instant process. He felt his bones pop, then crack, screamed at the sudden sharp pains, but watched horrified as his feet grew, and grew. 18, 19, 20, 21, stopping, minutes later, at a whopping size 22 wide. The second side effect took only a few seconds to manifest. A sudden, musty, strong stink filled the room, as the goop soaked in and forced his feet to sweat profusely. He’d soon find that he’d be going through several pairs of socks per day, drenching them, and filling his sneakers with foot stench, no matter how clean he kept them. He cried, his deep voice bellowing dumbly as he wiggled his thick sausage toes now and knew for certain he’d never dance again.

It took the rest of the week for him to readjust to his massive new feet. They made him clumsy, oafish, and he knew if he ever tried to balance and spin on his toes, they’d snap under his immense bulk. They released him back to his parents, who cried and threatened to sue for what they’d done to their baby, but it was no sue. Trevor was shortly picked up by the local college, and had no choice to bot give up dancing, take the scholarship they offered, and play football as the big, bulky brute he is.

[revengeisalwaysanoption]

Hey there

Hi, hope you like it :)

**************************************

What did he do to deserve this? He had been working hard to be a better person for months, now, and that’s what he gets from the universe in return?

Come on, he still has his whole life ahead of him!

The plan was to go home and relax, and perhaps call Niccolò too to remind him he needed some sleep as well, after he spent the whole day helping Filippo out with his latest project.

Martino wasn’t into photography that much, but hanging out with Fili always had the upside of showing him new places where he could take Nico out for a date.

Besides, he was curious to find out if Filippo had anything to do with Elia’s sudden disinterest in partying and girls – one could think that it was due to the approaching end of the year, but Santini’s motto had always been ‘you can make up for a bad grade, but not for the lost time’ , so… - and evasiveness when hooking up was mentioned.                   

What he had found out was quite fascinating, indeed: it didn’t sound like the two of them were dating, but Elia did have a chance with him, if he ever got the guts to make the first move. Well… If his own experience with Niccolò had taught him anything, it was that if it was bound to happen… Then it would.

No need for him to interfere and try to speed up the process.But then Filippo asked if he fancied coming over to his place. Eleonora was supposed to be out and he didn’t feel like having dinner alone. Marti sent a text to Nico, checking if he had any plans for the night, but it seemed that he was too tired to be hungry. Homework have been killing him and he isn’t even done yet.

“You can go check on him, if you are worried.” Filo said, as Martino put the phone back in his pocket.

“I’m not.”  What he fears is Niccolò shutting him out… Being exhausted comes with attending the last year of high school, with finals drawing so close that most students are having multiple nervous breakdowns. “Maybe later.”

The plan wasn’t to die of food poisoning, because his boyfriend had been spending the day with Eleonora – he said that is own room had become too stifling and he needed somewhere where he could focus on his studies  - and they thought it would be nice for Martino and Filippo to come home to a delicious dinner.

"You can’t go wrong with Shepherd’s Pie.” Eleonora says with a smile, as she serves clumpy looking mashed potatoes mixed with a weird bolognaise sauce.

“I swear I didn’t put any tabasco in it. Or sour cream. Or vegan salami. No anchovies, either.” Niccolò cuts in, beaming with pride.

He looks so eager for Martino to taste his dish that he hasn’t got the heart to say no.

Oh well, there are worse ways to go.

[becausethefamilymatters]

STAY AT HOME DATE NIGHT IDEAS: HAVE A GAME NIGHT FOR A DATE NIGHT AT HOME We LOVE game nights! It’s one of our favorite ways to have a date night at home. We will usually open a bottle of wine, set out a salami-cheese board,, and enjoy games all night. Gin Rummy used to be our favorite game to play together, but now we’ve been really into playing all card games. A little bit of competition can also be a great aphrodisiac! Ideas for stay at home date night games at home: Conversation starter games Couples trivia games Rummy Gin Blackjack War Speed Double solitaire Classic board games Chess Backgammon Monopoly Uno Scrabble Enjoy ❤️ (at Because the Family Matters) https://www.instagram.com/p/CZzSUGCL3JD/?utm_medium=tumblr

[salamiwrites]

Taking requests for character matchups and character x readers!!

Hey yall, I’m now open to requests for characters from:

Genshin, Arcane, Honkai Star Rail, Blue Eye Samurai, Star Wars, Jujutsu Kaisen and Demon Slayer

Please have manners when requesting!

Please include:

Who they are, some basic background information, (physical attributes, mbti)

Their type

Their sexuality

Love language (ex. acts of service, physical touch..)

sfw/nsfw/both

Thanks!

I also would like to draw some boundaries,

NO yandere content/obsessive behaviours

I absolutely do not like the trope, and have no interest in writing said trope

NO pedophillia, even if they’re aged up

It’s self explanatory

NSFWs (if it really came to it)

Noncon, animalistic behaviours, pain play, any fetishisations

SALAMIWRITES © 2024. Meow!

[superallybarnesblog-blog]

CARBOHYDRATES AND ITS EFFECT ON HEALTH

Carbohydrate foods

Carbohydrate-rich foods facilitate, after eating, the rapid rise in blood sugar levels (blood glucose). This and many more of its disadvantages are the reason it is advised to be taken in lesser quantities when on a ketogenic diet, it is important to study the workings and some key symptoms when on a ketogenic diet.

Consequently, although carbohydrates can be a quick source of energy for the body, the health benefits are low, so it is advised not to include them frequently on the menu.

List of foods high in carbohydrates

Below, you will see a list of foods with carbohydrates (carbohydrates) and their ratio per 100 grams of the edible product, classified as:

 rich in carbohydrates (those in which they account for more than 50% of their content),

media (around 15-20%),

with few carbohydrates (less than 15%)

without carbohydrates (0 to 1%).

Foods that have 50 grams, or more, of carbohydrates per 100 grams of food are considered high in carbohydrates:

White sugar, brown sugar.

Tapioca, cornmeal, wheat, oats or rye, barley, gofio.

White or brown rice.

Cornflakes, Weetabix or muesli cereals.

Pasta (eg macaroni) and dough (puff pastry, etc.).

White bread, cookies, biscuits, pastries, pastries, pastries.

Honey, fresh and dried dates.

Chocolate with or without milk, chocolates, nougat.

Raisins, quince, dried figs.

Lentils, dried beans, dried beans.

Skimmed milk powder, sweetened condensed milk

Medium carbohydrate foods

They are those that have between 16 and 49 grams of carbohydrates per 100 grams of product:

Marzipan, apple pie, fruit ice cream, creamy ice cream.

Wholemeal bread, muffins, wheat bran, wheat germ, soy flour.

Chickpeas, chestnuts, sweet corn cob, garlic.

Whole milk powder, quiche lorraine, egg flan, fruit yogurt, semi-skimmed fruit yogurt.

French fries, sweet potato, cooked potato.

Soft drinks.

Breaded chicken breasts, hot dog with mustard, cheeseburger, cheese pizza.

Peach in syrup, pineapple syrup, banana, pomegranate, coconut, grapes, custard apple.

Tomato, ketchup.

Low carb foods

 They are those that have between 2 and 15 grams of carbohydrates per 100 grams of product:

 Flavored yogurt, or liquid, or skimmed, or natural, or with cream (Greek), cream, goat's milk, whole or semi-skimmed cow milk, chantilly, curd.

Burgos cheese, skimmed white cheese, Petit-Suisse cheese, fresh cheese mg. 20%, Speisequark cheese, goat cheese.

Rice with milk without added sugar.

Acedias fries, cooked beets.

Cocoa powder, instant coffee, coffee extract powder.

Tomato, fried tomato, avocado, carrot, cucumber, pepper, leek, cooked periwinkle, onion, fresh or canned peas, broccoli, broccoli, zucchini, thistle, cabbage, red cabbage, cauliflower, artichokes, eggplants, squash, Brussels sprouts, canned palms , radish.

Kiwi, tangerines, orange, grapefruit, lemon, pears, watermelon, melon, peach, apricot, persimmon, rosewood, cherries, apple, pineapple, banana, raspberries, strawberries, acerola, green figs.

Hazelnuts, walnuts, almonds, Brazil nut, roasted peanuts, pistachios.

Beef burgers, Frankfurt sausages, pork liver, pork liver, veal liver, salami, sausage, pork sausages, fried chicken, meat extract.

Gatorade, tonic water, packaged lemonade, cider, Porto wine, dried vermouth, white wine, Lager beer, black beer, champagne, anisete.

Hake, mullet, piglets, oysters, octopus.

Bolognese sauce, cheese sauce, onion soup, soup cubes, minestrone soup, Ravioli with tomato sauce.

Pine nuts, sunflower seeds, oat bran, sesame, popcorn.

Foods with very few carbohydrates

They are those that have around 1 gram of carbohydrates per 100 grams of product:

Chard, celery, watercress, lettuce, bean sprouts, sprouted soybeans, endives, cooked asparagus, canned asparagus, raw spinach, cooked spinach.

Turbot, breca, cicada, pout, horse mackerel.

Chicken liver, cooked ham, pork rinds.

Eggs, hard boiled egg.

Brie cheese, portioned cheese, cured Manchego cheese.

Wine vinegar.

Foods without carbohydrates

Foods without carbohydrates are those that have a gram or less per 100 grams of product weight:

 Oils (olive, soy, sunflower, corn, peanut, coconut), olives.

Clams, chirlas, cockles, crab, shrimp, lobster, shrimp, mussels, barnacles, scallops.

Canned anchovies, eel, eels, herring, canned tuna, fresh tuna, fresh or salted or dried cod, sea bream, mackerel, caviar, spider crab, crayfish, conger, gilthead, emperor, rooster, sole, whiting, monkfish, fresh salmon, or smoked, fresh sardines, or canned tomatoes, or in oil, sepia, trout, frog legs.

Bacon, sausage, foie gras, pork loin stuffed.

Horse meat, goat, kid, fat or lean pig, rabbit, lamb, sheep, veal, cow, land snail, lamb, or beef heart, pheasant, oxtail, chicken, canned sausages, beef blood, pork brains, or lamb, or veal, bacon.

Pigeon, duck, turkey, partridge, pigeon.

Coffee infusion, tea infusion, Diet-Coke, ligth soda.

Mushroom, mushrooms boletus edulis, mushrooms cantharellus, mushrooms colmenilla, truffles.

Parsley, turnip greens.

Red wine, cognac, rum, gin.

Egg liquid yolk, dry beer yeast.

Lard, butter, industrial margarine, or vegetable, mayonnaise.

Blue cheese, or Babibel, Camembert, chédar, emmental, gouda, gruyere, mozzarella, parmesan, Pyrenees, Roquefort, fresh manchego, or semi-cured.

Water, salt

Foods with few carbohydrates are what you can eat in the ketogenic diet, high in fat, and often used to lose weight.

 Notwithstanding these values, if you suffer from diabetes mellitus you should take into account when preparing your meal, in addition to the grams of carbohydrates that each of the foods have, also the glycemic index (GI).

 Glycemic food index (GI). Good and bad carbohydrates

The glycemic index measures the intensity and speed with which foods containing carbohydrates raise the level of glucose in the blood (glycemia) after ingestion.

Consequently, foods with a high glycemic index raise blood glucose faster than others with a low glycemic index.

 For example, whole wheat bread will have a lower GI than white bread, or pastries, which have it higher.

Diabetics should eat foods with a low glycemic index and only occasionally, better not daily, can ingest those of medium GI for what these lists will be useful, accompanied by the corresponding suggestions of their specialist (doctor or nutritionist).

[itunesbooks]

Olympia Provisions - Elias Cairo & Meredith Erickson

Olympia Provisions Cured Meats and Tales from an American Charcuterie Elias Cairo & Meredith Erickson Genre: Specific Ingredients Price: $10.99 Publish Date: October 27, 2015 Publisher: Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale Seller: Penguin Random House LLC A rigorous exploration of what American charcuterie is today from Portland’s top-notch meat company, featuring in-depth techniques for crafting cured meats, recipes from the company’s two restaurants, and essays revealing the history and personalities behind the brand. Portland’s Olympia Provisions began as Oregon’s first USDA-certified salumeria, but it has grown into a mini-empire, with two bustling restaurants and charcuterie shipping out daily to all fifty states. In his debut cookbook, salumist and co-owner Elias Cairo dives deep into his distinctly American charcuterie, offering step-by-step recipes for confits, pâtés, sausages, salami, and more. But that is only the beginning. Writer Meredith Erickson takes you beyond cured meat, exploring how Cairo’s proud Greek-American upbringing, Swiss cooking adventures, and intense love affair with the outdoors have all contributed to Olympia Provisions’ singular—and delicious—point of view. With recipes from the restaurants, as well as extensive wine notes and nineteen frankfurter variations,  Olympia Provisions  redefines what American charcuterie can be. From the Hardcover edition. http://dlvr.it/R1YwHQ

[kylecow]

Euphemisms for Male Masturbation

You know them, you love them...but you don't know ALL of them. Here are some great ways of talking about masturbation without actually saying masturbation. Some are funny. Some are strange. But hey, aside from performing the act itself, reading this list is the most entertaining thing you'll do today.

Abusing the wicked stick

Adjusting the antenna

Aiding and abetting a known felon

Applying the hand brake

Arguing with Henry Longfellow

Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel

Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior

Audition your hand puppet

Backstroke roulette

Badgering the witness

Barking up the wrong tree

Bash the candle

Basting the ham

Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger

Being rough with the sex stick

Be your own best friend

Beat the bishop

Beat the bologna

Beat the dummy

Beat the meat

Beat the pud

Beat the stick

Beat up your date

Beef tips stroking off

Bleed the weed

Blow your own horn

Bludgeon the beefsteak

Bop the bologna

Bop the bonzo

Box the Jesuit

Box with Richard

Brushing up on your typing skills

Buff the banana

Bugger your hand

Building upper-body strength

Burp the baby

Burp the worm

Butter the corn

Calling down for more mayo

Calling in the secret service

Caning the vandal

Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile

Charm the snake

Check for testicular cancer

Cheese off

Choke Kojak

Choke the chicken

Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come

Clamp the pipe

Clean your rifle

Cleaning out your account

Clear the snorkel

Climb the tree

Closet Frisbee

Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally

Combing your hair

Communing with nature

Consulting with your silent partner

Corral your tadpole

Couch hockey for one

Crank the love pump

Crank the shank

Crimp the wire

Crown the king

Crushing pop cans in the dark

Cuddle the kielbasa

Cuff the carrot

Daisy-chaining

Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath

Dancing with the one-eyed sailor

Date Miss Michigan

Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters

Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters

Debugging the hard drive

Defrosting the fridge

Digital penile oscillation

Discovering your own potential

Distributing free literature

Do handiwork

Do it your way

Do the janitor thing

Do the white knuckler

Doing your homework

Drain the monster

Dry humping the ottoman

Eating grapes with the one-armed man

Electing the President

Engage in safe sex

Exercise one's right

Exercising your right to privacy

Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love

Feed the ducks

Feeding bologna to the Smurfs

Feeling your way around

Fiddle the flesh flute

Firing the pound gun

Fishing with dynamite

Fist your mister

Five knuckle shuffle

Flick your Bic

Fling your phallus

Flip the bishop

Flipping your omelet

Flog the bishop

Flog the dolphin

Flog the dong

Flog the log

Flog the mule

Flogging the egg man

Fly fishing

Fondle your flagpole

Free Willy

Frost the pastries

Frosting your maple bar

Frying up the corndog

Gallop the old lizard

Gardening with the golden trowel

Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion

Get a date with Slick Mittens

Get the German soldier marching

Get to know yourself

Get your pole varnished

Give it a tug

Give your low five

Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money

Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh

Go blind

Go on a date with Fisty Palmer

Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela

Go the blow

Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head Submitted by Jake W.

Goose the gherkin

Grease the pipe

Greasing the three-legged cow

Hand job

Hard labor

Have one off the wrist

Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college

Hitchhike to heaven

Hitchhike underneath the big top

Hitting too close to home

Hoisting your own petard

Hold the bishop

Hold the sausage hostage

Holding your own

Hone the cone

Honk your horn

Hosing down the driveway

Hotfooting it to the nearest exit

Hug the hog

Hump your hose

Investing in pork bellies

Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

Jack hammer

Jazz yourself

Jerk Jamby

Jerk the gherkin

Left to your own devices

Letting the cat out of the bag

Liquidating the inventory

Locking the bathroom door

Look for ticks

Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne

Lope the mule

Love the Muppet

Love's labors lost

Lubricating the love monkey

Make a foreskin cone

Make instant pudding

Make the bald man puke

Making a cash withdrawal

Making chowder with sailor Ned

Making it up as you go along

Making magic with leftovers

Making soup

Making the bald man cry

Making the bread rise

Making the world safe for democracy

Mangle the midget

Manipulate the mango

Manual labor

Manual override

Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock

Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters

Milk the lizard

Milk the moose

Milk the self

Mount a corporal and four

Much goo about nothing

Nerk your throbber

Null the void

Oil the glove

Onan's olympics

One gun salute

One man band

One-night-stand with yourself

Opening the flood gates

Pack your palm

Paddle the pickle

Paint the ceiling

Paint the pickle

Painting the flag pole

Painting the picket fence

Palm the calm

Paying at the turnpike

Peel the banana

Perform diagnostics on your man tool

Pet the lizard

Pip the pumpkin

Play a little five-on-one

Play a one-stringed guitar

Play five against one

Play in a one-man show

Play peek-a-boo

Play pocket pinball

Play pocket pool

Play tag with the pink torpedo

Play the skin flute

Play tug-o-war with Cyclops

Play Uno

Playing it safe

Playing the one-stringed melody

Playing the single-string air guitar

Plugging in the toaster

Plunk your twanger

Polish Percy in your palm

Polish the family jewels

Polish the helmet

Polish the rocket

Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter

Polish the sword

Pound off

Pound the bald-headed moose

Pound the pud

Pound your flounder

Pounding the fence post

Prepare the carrot

Prime the pump

Pull rank

Pull the bologna pony

Pull the carrot

Pull the goalie

Pull the pole

Pull the Pope

Pull the pud

Pull your own leg

Pull your taffy

Pulling your own weight

Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap

Pump the python

Pump the stump

Punch the clown

Punch the munchkin

Punish Percy in your palm

Putting your best foot forward

Putting your foot down

Putting your thumb in the porridge

Raining on your parade

Ram the ham

Relishing your hot dog

Riding the five-legged pony

Roll your own

Rolling it off the lot

Romeo and himself

Rope the pony

Rope the Pope

Rub one out

Rub the pink eraser

Rubbing Buddha's tummy

Run off a batch by hand

Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights

Safest sex

Sailing the mayonnaise seas

Saluting the general

Sampling the secret sauce

Sand wood

Scour the tower of power

Scraping the bottom of the barrel

Scratch the itch

Screwing your courage to the sticking place

Secret handshake

Self abuse

Self-induced penile regurgitation

Sex with someone you really love

Shake hands with Abe Lincoln

Shake hands with the midget

Shake hands with the unemployed

Shake hands with your John Thomas

Shake hands with your wife's best friend

Shake hands with Yul Brynner

Shake the sauce

Shake the sausage

Shake the snake

Shaking hands with Dr. Winky

Shellac the shillelagh

Shemp the hog

Shift gears

Shine the helmet

Shine your pole

Shoot for the moon

Shoot putty at the moon

Shoot the airplane

Shooting yourself in the foot

Shuck your corn

Sizing things up

Slam the ham

Slam the salami

Slam the salmon

Slam the Spam

Slap high fives with Yul Brynner

Slap it

Slap pappy

Slap the carrot

Slap the clown

Slap the donkey

Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol

Slap the salami

Slapping Johnny on the back

Sling the jelly

Smack the salami

Smiting the pink knight

Snap the monkey

Snap the rubber

Snap the whip

Solo flight

Solo marathon

Solo sex

Spank Elvis

Spank the bishop

Spank the frank

Spank the monkey

Spank the salami

Spank the wank

Spanking the rooster

Spending your Christmas bonus

Squeeze the cheese

Squeeze the juice

Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube

Squeeze your cheese-dog

Squeezing the happy lumberjack

Stewing in your own juices

Stinky pinky

Stir the batter

Stir the yogurt

Strain the main vein

Straining your cabbage

Stretching the truth

Strip-mining with the spaghetti man

Stroke the carrot

Stroke the mole

Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko

Stroke the satin-headed serpent

Stroke your poker

Stroke your Twinkie

Strumming the one-string harp

Take matters into your own hands

Take part in population control

Take the fifth

Take the monster for a one-armed ride

Taking a few practice shots

Taking a load off

Talk quietly to yourself

Tame the shrew

Taunt the one-eyed weasel

Teaching the Cyclops the lambada

Tease the weenie

Tenderize the tube steak

Tending to your own affairs

Test your batteries

That crazy hand jive

Thrash your thing

Thump the pump

Thump your thong

Tickle the ivory

Tickle the pickle

Tickle the taco

Ticklewigglejigglepickle

Tipping off the inspector

Toss the snag

Toss the turkey

Toss yogurt

Tug the slug

Twang the wire

Tweak your Twinkie

Twist your crank

Unleashing the alabaster yak

Unloading the gun

Unpacking the moving van

Varnish the flagpole

Varnishing the banister

Visiting with Papa Smurf

Wake the dead

Walk the dog

Walk the plank

Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes

Wallowing in self pity

Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel

Wash the meat

Wax the Buick

Wax the carrot

Wax the dolphin

Waxin' n' Milkin'

Whack it

Whack the weasel

Whack Willy

Whip the dummy

Whip the one-eyed trouser snake

Whip the one-eyed worm

Whip the rat

Whip the stiff

Whip the wire

Whip up some sour cream

Whip your dripper

Whitewashing with Huck and Tom

Whittle the stick

Wiggling your walrus

Windsurf on Mount Baldy

Wonk your conker

Work things out

Working at your own speed

Working late at the office

Working up a foamy lather

Working without Annette

Wrestle the dragon

Wrestle the eel

Wrestling with the bald champ

Wring out your rope

Wrist aerobics

Yank the crank

Yank the yo-yo

Yank your plank

[salamiwrites]

Hi there, I hope you are doing well, if your match ups are open, no rush. I'd love one for Genshin Impact?

Who they are, some basic background information, (perhaps zodiac signs or enneagrams?!)

My zodiac is a taurus, I'm an INTJ-A, and ennaegram 1w2. Personality is quiet and reserved. I like small and simple things, I write and sometimes sing when alone. I look out for others and always have down time to simply "be" in the world and not of the world.

Their type - I love the kind and reserved types. The kind of people that slowly enter your life then leave a lasting impact on your soul. You can't forget them. That have an air you can be comfortable around, be there and listen to the atmosphere. Tall, and over all lovely eyes.

Their sexuality - Demisexual~

Love language (ex. acts of service, physical touch..) - love language is acts of kindness, and small gestures, face touching or simple head patting.

sfw/nsfw/both - Both please? if not feeling the nsfw, then no need for it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to ask invidia ❤️❤️❤️!!

#MATCHUP MASTERLIST #SUBMIT A REQ!

I match you up with....

Kazuha!

Sfw: (nsfw under the cut by the way)

I thought of Kazuha the first time I read this, albeit he’s not that tall, but he has some pretty damn eyes

He would be glad that you’re quiet and reserved, since his whole life has been a hectic mess, he would find safety with you

I’d imagine he was enchanted with your singing, the way your soft singing wraps Kazuha in a deep embrace, the way it sounds smooth to the ear, he’d remember your songs, or (modern) he’d record your singing on his phone, AND PERHAPS SET IT AS HIS RINGTONE LMAO

You’d not be interested in him at first (probably friendzoned him), but then one day, he had to accompany traveller to Inazuma. The journey made you realise that you might have a thing for him, absence makes the heart grow fonder right?

When Kazuha catches wind of your affection for him, he would definitely go, “ah.. About time, y/n.” Then he would immediately go to his room, to craft up the perfect plan to confess.

When he confesses, don’t expect too much, for he is sort of… broke, but hey, the price of an item can’t be defined by its price tag right?

After you both get together, be ready to be a part of Beidou’s crew, since you both were old friends. (Beidou’s using this as an excuse but she doesn’t want her child having a long distance relationship… cuz…. Beiguang, they prob hit it up after beidou returns from a trip)

Mornings are peaceful for the both of you. Both of you would sleep face to face, and as he’s a light sleeper , he won’t move too much, so you both would remain in the same position as the night before.

Despite being an early riser, Kazuha still takes the time to wait for your internal clock to wake you up, gazing at your features, he finds himself loving you even more.

When you do wake up though, you would cup his face, caressing it. Something he has a tendency to do is to kiss your forehead, he finds it intimate and something that only the both of you have.

Ficcy time.

He first catches sight of you in Liyue, when he’s out running errands for Beidou.

While he was roaming throughout Inazuma, he became attuned to nature’s call, hearing and feeling came natural to him. During his venture in the city, he caught wind of a gentle murmur that seemed to be a song, this soft whisper caught his attention; he hadn’t heard such a warm and inviting tune in a long time, it stirred a certain.. warmth in him.

Not before long, he finds himself near the mouth of an alleyway. His gentle eyes scanned his surroundings carefully, making sure there was no one approaching. He held onto his groceries tightly, and as he saw you, his grip loosened.

You looked heavenly, your skin glowed under the Liyue sun, your hair looked soft to the touch, and dare I say, might be a perfect place to grip onto.

You were staring at your piece of writing at the time, so you had not noticed the strange man approaching, trained solely on your work.

Kazuha at first, felt positively enamoured with you, he never thought of love, he was a traveller, he insists. Of course, it wasn’t his first time experiencing love, hell, he would’ve been well sought after if it wasn’t for his status as a traitor in Inazuma. However, he never had thought about love that way, not like how others do. He’d never thought about the chance of travelling with a lover, getting married, settling in, not at all. He was so busy with the fact that he was on the run, the topic simply left his mind.

You kept humming until you found out you were no longer alone, living your gaze, you found yourself looking at a young man, he had white fluffy hair,

“Go on,” He hummed, “continue humming.”

Nsfw (please bear with me here)

I’d imagine he’s more of an intimate and romantic man, taking things slow during sex. Every move to him has meaning and is definitely a sucker for face sitting (him giving)

He’d be fine with being sub or dom, he’s more of a go with the flow person. THOUGH….. If you choose to be dominant, he will absolutely get turned on, be ready for a horny mess

Being calm and composed even during sex is his specialty, however, as I said before, he can be a bit … horny

Kaedehara Kazuha is a patient man, he likes to take things slow during sex, that includes teasing. If he’s feeling down bad that day, I’d say he would edge you (if he was dominant at least)

He’s pretty vanilla at first, since he’s actually a virgin, but after you both get closer, you’ll find him experimenting with different things, of course it was a surprise when he pulled out his v card cause he seemed like he was really experienced (i’m sure Beidou gave him a 2 hour lecture on things to do and not do during sex)

He’s a shoulders kinda guy in my opinion, he loves to massage any knots from your shoulders after a long day, the way his calloused hands rub over your shoulders, the way he holds a firm yet gentle grip on your shoulders while he fucks you from behind, ah, pure bliss

[paleorecipecookbook]

The Food Lover’s Guide to Paleo Snacks

When folks are first starting down the Paleo path, one of the top questions they have is, “Are there Paleo snacks? Can I have snacks on a Paleo diet?”

The short answer is, yes—snacks are allowed on a Paleo plan! This is a complete guide to all of your Paleo snack options, including homemade and store-bought.

Whether or not you should be snacking on your diet is up to you and your hunger levels. When people are transitioning to the Paleo diet, they may find themselves hungrier than usual, and some people just need to eat more regularly to maintain steady blood sugar and energy levels.

So if you find yourself getting hungry between meals, then by all means have yourself a Paleo snack! Having Paleo-friendly snacks on hand can help to sustain energy levels throughout the day. Our PaleoPlan meal plans include optional snacks that can help a lot of folks to more easily transition to the diet.

7 Tips for the Best Paleo Snacks

1. The need for eating snacks varies from person to person based on their activity level, metabolism speed, genetics, current health level, and more.

2. In general, just let your appetite guide you, but keep in mind that when you’re transitioning your diet, it’s not uncommon to find yourself hungrier than usual.

3. Be sure that you’re snacking for the right reasons (i.e. not because you’re bored, tired, emotional, or anything other than genuinely hungry).

4. Keep in mind that thirst is often disguised as hunger! Make sure you’re drinking enough water each day and not mistaking thirst for hunger.

5. If you find yourself snacking all day long, there may be an underlying issue that needs addressing.

6. Some folks need to eat more often than others to maintain steady blood sugar and energy levels. Growing children, athletes, people with impaired digestive function, fast metabolizers, pregnant women, folks healing from illness, and others may benefit from snacking between meals. These individuals may also need to eat more carbohydrates throughout the day, and include more carbohydrates in their diet overall.

7. If you’re trying to lose weight, opt for snacks that are lower in carbohydrates and higher in protein and fats.

3 Rules of Thumb for Snacking on Paleo

When we’re used to eating pre-packaged snacks like granola bars, chips, and baked goods, it’s hard to imagine going without them. Since most pre-packaged foods are not an option when you’re eating Paleo, you’ll have to think ahead and plan your snacks in advance. Let’s start with some basic rules of thumb for snacking.

Macronutrients

When you’re stocking your fridge and pantry with Paleo snacks, be sure to include a variety of protein, fat, and complex carbohydrate options.

Choose proteins and fats over carbs. Proteins help to stabilize blood sugar, balance mood, and reduce sugar cravings. Healthy fats promote satiation so you don’t feel hungry as often.

Choose non-starchy vegetables over fruit and starchy veggies.

Small Snacks

Don’t over-consume carbs or calories in any one sitting. It’s way too easy to binge on fruit and starches, but the reality is that our bodies can only uptake so much glucose and calories at any one time. Excess food eaten that cannot be used by your body for immediate energy gets turned into fat tissue and food for pathogenic gut microbes.

Balance

Avoid snacking on carb-rich foods in isolation (i.e. don’t eat fruit or starchy foods alone). Eating carbohydrates without a protein or fat can trigger a blood sugar roller coaster. First the blood sugar spikes, then it falls, which can trigger hunger, fatigue, crankiness, and cravings. This cycle then causes a desire for more carbs.

Eating a protein and/or fat with your carbohydrates slows down the delivery of glucose to your bloodstream. Also, protein and fat do not spike blood sugar as quickly or as drastically as carbohydrates do. The blood sugar roller coaster can set you up for decreased insulin sensitivity and diabetes down the road.

Is Fruit Okay for a Paleo Snack?

Fruit is definitely Paleo, but be mindful that consuming too much fruit can interfere with weight loss and contribute to high blood glucose levels because fruit is sugar too! Try keeping your fruit intake to a couple pieces a day (or less) and eat it in the later part of the day to help control your blood sugar levels.

Rotate the types of fruit in your diet to ensure a variety of vitamins and minerals. In general, berries are best because of their nutrient and antioxidant content. I generally recommend that people steer clear of dried fruit, as it’s even more concentrated in sugar than fresh fruit. Mainly, you want to avoid getting stuck in a rut eating the same fruits over and over, like bananas and apples.

23 Best Homemade Paleo Snacks

Here are some delicious and easy Paleo snacks to take on the go, or to just nibble throughout the day. You can get even more snack recipes from our Paleo recipe gallery.

Roasted Cauliflower with Tahini Sauce

No-Bake Energy Bites with Golden Turmeric

Beef Jerky

Paleo Granola

Coconut Oil Fat Bombs

Bacon Wrapped Dates

Maple Bacon Wrapped Peaches

Crunchy Chicken Fingers

Cajun Oven-Baked Pickles

Endive Salmon Poppers

Berries + Coconut + Lime

Berries with Balsamic Vinegar and Almonds

Homemade Sour Strawberry Gummies

Ants On a Log

Prosciutto Wrapped Scallops

Guacamole Deviled Eggs

Creamy Eggplant Spinach Dip

Garden Fresh Zucchini Bread

Kale Chips

Paleo Hummus

Muffins and other Paleo baked goodies

Spiced Roasted Pumpkin Seeds

Paleo trail mix

20 Quick Paleo Snack Ideas

When you’re hungry or busy and just need a quick on-the-go snack, any of these options will fill you up.

Dinner leftovers

Make extra dinner (or batch cook big portions of meals and snacks) so that you always have something on hand. Our meal plans help people save a lot of time and money by frequently using leftovers for snacks and meals the next day.

Leftover meats

Poultry legs, thighs and breasts, pork chops, burger, bacon, or any kind of leftover meats make a protein-rich snack that’s especially delicious with avocado or guacamole smeared on top.

Pre-cooked meat strips

I always have a rotating variety of marinated and cooked meat strips (beef, chicken, lamb, pork, etc.) in the fridge that I snack on when hunger calls.

Hard-boiled eggs

Easy to make and super portable, there are many variations when it comes to jazzing up boiled eggs! Try them with salt or spices sprinkled on top or topped with guacamole or salsa. You can make a quick egg salad by chopping up boiled eggs and mixing them with Paleo mayo and spices. I hard-boil a dozen eggs each week to have on hand for various uses.

Jerky

Homemade or store-bought, jerky is a great snack to eat on-the-go! Be careful though, because many jerkies out there are not Paleo. Read the labels to ensure they’re gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free, and fully Paleo friendly.

Olives

Not only are they delicious and totally Paleo, but olives are also a source of healthy fats including oleic acid and phytonutrients that act as antioxidants and have anti-inflammatory properties.

Avocados

Avocados are delicious snacked right out of the shell with just a dash of salt and pepper, but there’s also a ton of ways to prepare avocados to keep things exciting. Try these 9 Ways to Stuff an Avocado for a quick and healthy snack!

All the Veggies

Try them chopped and blanched or raw, dipped in a delicious Paleo dip. Remember, stick to non-starchy veggies and pair them with a protein or fat to increase snacking satiation.

Paleo dips

Paleo dips are perfect for adding some extra energy to meats, veggies, or fruits, or you can even try making your own Paleo crackers.

Sea Snacks

Wild smoked salmon, canned sardines, sashimi, and other sea snacks are a great way to get enough anti-inflammatory omega-3 in your diet.

Salami

Sliced into rounds, this is a super-portable snack that’s also a great addition to your bento box. Just make sure you look for a nitrate-free version.

Paleo-friendly deli meats

A lot of deli meat out there is not ideal, due to the addition of nitrates and other preservatives and non-Paleo ingredients. Be sure to read ingredients, but Applegate, Simple Truth Organic, and Diestel Turkey are good brands of healthy deli meat to try. Deli meats are delicious when eaten alone or rolled around avocado slices or veggie strips. Turkey deli meat rolled up in a leaf of lettuce with onion and guacamole is one of my favorite snacks!

Sweet potatoes

Keep a few pre-baked sweet potatoes in your fridge, but be sure to add fat when you snack on them! Try them smashed up with coconut oil, cinnamon, and sea salt.

Fruit slices with nut butter

Apple or pear slices with portable nut butters and/or coconut butter are a great on-the-go snack. Bonus: kids love them, too!

Smoothies

Smoothies are a great snack, fast to prepare and easy to take on the go. Be sure to add a fat (like avocado or coconut milk) and/or protein (like protein powder or collagen) to lower the glycemic response. Focus on vegetables over fruit. Use the entire vegetable or fruit when possible, since the fiber slows down the delivery of sugar from the fruit juices.

Paleo muffins

Make a big batch of Paleo muffins or other Paleo baked goodies and keep them in your freezer. Then you can pull a few out for a snack when you need them and they’ll thaw in 10-20 minutes.

Paleo yogurt

Made from full-fat coconut milk, Paleo yogurt tastes just like your favorite dairy-based product and is delicious topped with Paleo granola/muesli.

Crepes

Have these Paleo crepes pre-made in your fridge and simply add some almond butter, coconut oil, or coconut manna to them for a quick snack.

Bone Broth

Sipping on a cup of bone broth is extremely nourishing and contains all sorts of gut-healing nutrients, healthy fats, and about six grams of protein per cup!

Nuts and seeds

Nuts and seeds are a wonderful and portable snack on the Paleo diet, just don’t overdo them. Nuts and seeds contain anti-nutrient chemicals like phytates which can trigger inflammation when eaten in excess.

Nuts and seeds are also a source of omega-6, an inflammatory fatty acid. For these reasons, it is best to keep your nut consumption to a small handful per day or less. Also, rotate the types of nuts and seeds that you’re eating in your diet, and don’t get stuck on one type.

Be careful when buying nuts because many brands have been roasted in non-Paleo oils like peanut, canola, safflower, sunflower, and other “vegetable” oils. Your best best is to get plain roasted nuts salted or unsalted with no oil or to buy raw nuts and soak them in water overnight before eating. Soaking or “sprouting” nuts and seeds helps to reduce their anti-nutrient content—just be sure to rinse them well after soaking and do not drink or use the soak water!

The Best Paleo Snack Resources

To find even more awesome Paleo snack ideas, check out these helpful resources.

PaleoPlan’s Snack Recipes

How to Pack a Paleo Lunch & Snacks To-Go

6 Paleo Snacks to Fight Cravings

Paleo Sweet & Savory Snacks – A Paleo Snack Guide

PaleoHacks Snack Recipes

Are Store-Bought Paleo Snacks Okay?

Thanks to the rise in Paleo popularity there are actually a lot of Paleo snacks and foods sold online and in health food stores. As you start exploring, you’ll see products like “Paleo cookies” and “Paleo crackers.”

While some Paleo purists like to argue that foods like cookies and crackers aren’t Paleo, I think there’s a time and a place. As a Paleo nutritionist who works with people every day struggling to change their diets, I assure you these foods can be really helpful for folks who might otherwise not be able to make Paleo a reality.

Having said that, some of these pre-purchased snacks are more Paleo than others, and you’ll have to read the ingredient labels to determine whether or not you should be eating it. If you don’t recognize or can’t pronounce an ingredient, it’s probably not Paleo! You can always reference our Paleo Shopping Guide from your smartphone while you’re at the store to help figure out if it’s Paleo-friendly.

15 Best Store-Bought Paleo Snacks

1. PaleoLife Box

Paleo Life Box is a monthly box of Paleo snacks delivered to your door, with shipping available to the United States and Canada. I love the variety and tasting experience that I get in my box each month, and it’s a great bang for your buck too. Expect a mix of meat snacks, bars, cookies, veggie chips, granola, chocolate treats, seed and nut mixes, dried fruit, and more.

2. Bubba’s Fine Foods

Bubba’s carries grain- and preservative-free snacks and “un-granola.” Their Original Snack Mix tastes just like the Original Chex Mix!

3. Pili Nuts by Hunter Gatherer Foods

These wild sprouted pili nuts have the highest levels of magnesium and healthy fats and oils, as well as the lowest levels of carbs of any nut. Pili nuts are reminiscent of a macadamia nut, but less bitter and even better.

4. Grass-fed Collagen Bars by Primal Kitchen

These decadent and delicious bars contain more collagen than a cup of bone broth! Available in four flavors: Dark Chocolate Almond, Coconut Cashew, Chocolate Hazelnut, and Macadamia Sea Salt.

5. Bacon’s Heir Pork Clouds

Made from dried pork skins cooked in olive oil and lightly seasoned with herbs and spices to create a perfect crunch experience sans carbs! Available in four flavors: Malabar Black Pepper, Rosemary and Sea Salt, Habanero Pepper, and Cinnamon Ceylon.

6. Jilz Crackerz

These delicious crackers are made from nuts, seeds, and spices and are available in three flavors: Mediterranean, Tuscan flavor, and Cracked Pepper/Sea Salt.

7. Muffin Else

Want a Paleo muffin in two minutes? Just add water, microwave, and enjoy a single delicious Paleo muffin in a cup! Available in several flavors.

8. Vital Choice Wild Seafood

Smoked sockeye, king salmon candy, wild salmon jerky strips, and other wild seafood and meats are omega-3 rich snacks for the brain and body.

9. Simple Mills

Crackers, muffins, and other boxed baked Paleo goodies that are easy to make, and even easier to eat!

10. Siete Tortilla Chips and Tortillas

You won’t miss tortilla chips or tortillas on your Paleo diet ever again. In fact, these taste better than any grain-based tortillas you’ve ever eaten! They’re my favorite.

11. Epic Snack Strips

These meat strips are the perfect protein snack to take on the go. Made from quality wild meats and ingredients, they’re available in four flavors: Wagyu Beef Steak, Smoked Salmon Maple, Turkey Cranberry Sage, and Venison Sea Salt Pepper.

12. Paleo Mom’s AIP Protein Snack Box

This sampler snack box is filled with Paleo protein-rich snacks which are also AIP (Autoimmune Protocol) approved. The AIP On-The-Go Box is another great snack option for folks eating either Paleo or AIP.

13. Artisan Tropic Plantain Strips

Plantain chips are starchy, slightly sweet, and rich in fiber. These plantain chips are sturdy enough for dipping and crunchy enough to satisfy those cravings! Available in four flavors: Sea salt, Naturally sweet, Cinnamon, and Spicy cayenne.

14. One Stop Paleo Shop – Bar Box

There are seriously too many delicious Paleo bars available these days to not mix it up! This bar box sampler includes the “best of” Paleo bars, from sweet to savory. All are totally Paleo and free from preservatives and other junk.

15. Paleonola

This delicious Paleo granola is made from nuts, seeds, and other Paleo ingredients. Available in six flavors: Original, Chocolate Fix, Maple Pancake, Apple Pie, Pumpkin Pie, and Pina Colada.

Bottom Line

As you can see, there’s a ton of super healthy options when it comes to snacking on Paleo, from easy to complex, from homemade to store-bought. With so many options available, it’s easy to find healthy snacks that will help you stick to eating Paleo when hunger and cravings arise.

The main point to keep in mind is that preparation is key. Since you won’t be dining out of vending machines anymore, you’ll want to have your snacks planned out in advance.

The best news is that many favorite non-Paleo snacks can be recreated using Paleo-friendly ingredients and a little creativity.

Your turn: Leave a comment below and share what your favorite healthy snacks are. Got questions on how to hack your favorite snack to make it Paleo? Ask away!

The post The Food Lover’s Guide to Paleo Snacks appeared first on Paleo Plan.

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[frappislazuli]

RULES: Tag 10 people you want to know better

Relationship Status: currently dating @zachmyers1994​ (a loser tbh)

Favorite colours: Blues and greens, usually, with the occasional purple.

Pets: none right now

Last song I listened to: Whatever was playing in @bronnie-shipping-on-ebay​’s car, which idk what it was honestly

First fandom: …..it miiiiight be Sonic the Hedgehog, although I guess it depends on what level of “fandom” we’re talking about here

Hobbies: Video games, the internet (if… that’s a hobby…), doodling, music (sometimes; it’s complicated)

Favorite book: Probably one of the Harry Potter books.  Yeah that’s boring, but I don’t read much

Worst thing I’ve eaten: I tried some type of goat cheese and the texture was like.... almost fuzzy or something.

Favorite place: Maybe home?

1. Are you named after someone? My aunt

2. When is the last time you cried? Uhhhhh probably within the last week to a month, but I couldn’t tell you when exactly or why

3. Do you like your handwriting? I don’t mind it; it’s everyone else who has to suffer

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Roast beef or salami are always good

5. Do you have kids? NOPE

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Hahahahahahahahahhaha… probably not

7. Do you use sarcasm? A lot, yeah

8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yup.

9. Would you bungee jump? Maybe? I’d lean towards “no.”

10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? Reese’s Puffs, probably

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No I’m lazy

12. Do you think you’re a strong person? Ehh? I can carry things I guess? Emotionally, I’m just… there.

13. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? All… of…. Them… Okay but seriously if it has like chocolate or caramel in it I’m probably down.

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Probably hair.  My hair’s “weird” so I compare a lot.

15: Red or pink? red

16. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? Probably my weight in general.  I’m not “fat” per se, but I feel like I’d look better if I were skinnier.

17. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? No shoes; green, white, and red plaid sleep pants

18. What was the last thing you ate? McDonald’s egg McMuffin and a Caramel Frappe (classy, I know)

19. What are you listening to right now? The sound of the fan going.

20. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Blue

21. Favorite smell? Brownies baking is always good.

22. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………….. Probably one of my parents or Zach.  I never actually TALK on the phone, just texting and messaging.

23. Favorite sport to watch? I don’t do the sports thing, man

24. Hair color? Dark brown

25. Eye color? Brown

26. Do wear contacts? Nope.

27. Favorite food to eat? Maybe macaroni and cheese, or cookies, or ice cream. I like food a lot.  Cheese is good, and chocolate is good.

28. Scary movies or comedy? Comedy, but only because nobody I hang out with is really THAT into watching scary movies.

29: Last movie you watched? Star Wars Episode IV

30. What color shirt are you wearing? Black

31. Summer or winter? Winter, fight me on this

32. Hugs or kisses? Hugs, from friends and family

33. What book are you currently reading? None.  I’m not a huge fan of reading books anymore.

34. Who do you miss right now? Maybe Zach or one of my old high school friends who I haven’t seen or talked to in forever.

35. What is on your mouse pad? I don’t use a mousepad regularly, actually

36. What is the last tv program you watched? Something on Food Network.  Probably Chopped.

37. What is the best sound? As far as non-musical sounds go, I like trains.  

38. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? I’m more familiar with The Beatles, so them I guess

39. What is the furthest you have ever traveled?  Florida (from Indiana).

40. Do you have a special talent? I can make those microwave cups of mac and cheese without looking at the directions most of the time. I get ALL the girls, yo

41. Where were you born? Indiana (it’s stupid here and I’m sorry we suck)

42. People you expect to participate in this survey? Probably @bronnie-shipping-on-ebay and/or @smoll-but-mighty but idk

Tagged by @squanch-loser with the following questions:

Do you wear socks to bed? Sometimes, but I usually take them off     before I actually go to sleep, even if it’s cold.

TV shows or movies? Honestly? I prefer Youtube to both at this point, so it’s kinda hard to decide.  I’m more likely to start a TV show because you can stop whenever you want, but movies are nice because you can just watch one and be done with it because it’s all one unit.

A fictional setting you’d like to live in: Okay this is kinda lame, but Stark Tower from the Marvel MCU would be kinda cool I think.

Vampires or werewolves? Vampires, but like Marceline from     Adventure Time and not Twilight vampires.

How many languages do you speak? One: English.  I took Spanish in high school and I WISH I could be better at it, but I’m lazy and tired and don’t have a lot of motivating factors to keep learning it.  I don’t know a lot of people IRL that speak Spanish (and a lot of the ones I’ve known also speak English and would probably be more comfortable with me speaking English since I’m white/black).

What’s your favorite band/music artist? I’m bad at this question, but I usually default to Paramore or Green Day.

What’s your dream job? Honestly my dream job would be no job…. But     working on music for games would be cool, I guess.

What’s the weirdest dream you ever had? Okay tmi I suppose but let’s just say some of the weird ones are generally nsfw soo… we’ll leave it at that and I won’t go into details haha

An unpopular opinion: I don’t like when the culture is like, “mean” to people with “nerd”  hobbies who are gamers or watch anime or whatever.  Like yeah, there’s a lot of annoying  people who do those things, but there’s a lot of annoying people with ANY  hobby or whatever.  Plus there’s ALL sorts of different people with these “nerd” hobbies.  You’re not just making fun of the cishet white dude who only eats Cheetos, lives in his parents’ basement until he’s in his 40s, and fetishizes Asian girls because of his “waifu.”  You’re also making fun of minorities, women,     the LGBT community, etc, who like “nerd” things.  Like, you can joke about gamers a little and it’s fun, or you can point out problems with the gaming community (while also understanding that every community has its problems), but some people take it too far and it’s just like… being mean to people with hobbies for no reason and making dumb assumptions. It’s so minor, but I find it annoying sometimes because I’m a dumb nerd lol

Do you wear glasses? Yup.

Coffee or tea? Both, but coffee is better.

MY 11 QUESTIONS FOR THOSE WHO GOT TAGGED

What’s the best gift you’ve ever gotten? (or a really cool one)

Can you burp on command?

What’s your favorite physical thing you like about yourself?

What do you usually default to when you’re mindlessly drawing?

What do you like most about the place you live in currently?

Do you have siblings?

Where’s your favorite restaurant to eat?

Do you wear makeup regularly?

What’s your typing speed?

Do you believe in astrology?

What’s your favorite type of sandwich?

(these are lame omg sorry)

I tag @bronnie-shipping-on-ebay, @smoll-but-mighty, @zachmyers1994, @beandonflowers, …. And anyone else who sees this and wants to do it (basically I tagged mutuals who I don’t think have done it yet lol)

[ecotone99]

[HM] Abe Froman: Sausage King of Chicago

Logline: We find out why Abe Froman never made his lunch reservation at Chez Quis during Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

______________

Abe Froman gets chauffeured every morning, by Dino, his driver of 15 years, to his luxurious office on the Magnificent Mile in downtown Chicago. Chicago was his town; he had run the city like a king for over 30 years. That's because he was a king; he was the Sausage King of Chicago. From the very beginning, Abe had created his sausage empire out of nothing, and now they're spanning seven continents, as an Antarctic research station now receives his sausage as well. He was one of the true untouchables of Chicago.

On the morning of June 11th, 1986, Abe arrived at his office and was greeted by his long-time secretary, Paloma Lowry.

"Hey Abe, Freddy Peterson already called twice this morning. Paloma said.

"All right, give him a call and patch it into my office," Abe says as he shuffles past.

"Sure thing, boss," Paloma says.

As Abe opens the door, Freddy's waiting for him; he looks back to Paloma,

"I thought you said he called?" Abe asks.

"He did call twice, but then he also showed up, I got his machine, should I leave a message?" Paloma says as Abe just shuts the door.

As Abe enters his office, he picks up his customary morning sausage,

"Delicious, I could eat sausage all day and all night," Abe says.

"Don't you worry about heart disease?" Freddy asks.

"Worth it, there's a reason why sausage is Jesus backward," Abe says as he has a seat at his desk.

"Alright, Freddy, give me the scoop, what's going on?" Abe asks.

"Profits are down, sales are down, the stock price is down, I think everything is down except your blood pressure," Freddy says.

"What's the problem, sausage is sausage, what's changed?" Abe questions.

"People's tastes are changing, take for instance turkey sausage, tofu sausage, farm-raised sausage," Freddy says.

"Farm-raised? what I look like over here, Ol' McDonald?" Abe sarcastically answers.

"There's some competition in the market," Freddy says.

"That's crazy, I've been the Sausage King of Chicago for 30 years now, no one can touch me," Abe boasts.

"I would say that your number one threat, are the Sausage Brothers out of Oklahoma, they just built a sausage factory in South Chicago. They offer all these new types of sausage," Freddy says as he turns on their commercial on the television.

The sausage brothers are seen walking on a farm,

"We’re the Sausage Brothers, we've been making sausage in the heartland of Oklahoma for over ten years now. We've perfected our recipe, and guarantee that our sausage flavor will be a familiar yet a unique experience for you," The first sausage brother says.

"Yes, give our sausage a try, we assure you'll want more!" The other sausage brother says.

"Get Sausage Brother's Sausage today, it's sold worldwide in a supermarket near you," the narrator says. The commercial pans to sunset and a jingle plays,

"Sausage Brothers, you can't beat our meat."

"That's what we're up against," Freddy says as he stops the VCR.

"Brothers? Aiming to take out the king, I don't think so, how close is it?" Abe asks.

"Let me put it this way, three years ago, you had them beat by 38% market share, just last week it was down to 12%," Freddy says.

"I want to meet these guys, Paloma!" Abe screams.

"Yes," Paloma says through the intercom.

"Get these sausage cousins from Oklahoma on the phone, I want to have lunch with them today," Abe shouts even though he can use the intercom.

"You want your normal table at Arturo's?" Paloma asks.

"No, I want to put these guys in their place, give me a table for three at the fanciest restaurant you can find," Abe shouts. Paloma searches through her Rolodex,

"I could make a reservation at Chez Quis?" Paloma says.

"Lock it in," Abe says.

The first thing Abe does every morning is join a conference call with the organization called the Royalty of Meats. There was the Sheik of Salami, the Prince of Pastrami, the Viceroy of Veal, the Lord of Lamb Chops, and last but not least, the Archduke of Prosciutto. They supported each other, Abe told them about his Sausage Brother's problem, and they said they would look into it. When Abe gets off the conference call, Abe and Freddy head out.

"Paloma, have Dino bring the car around, I want to do a little recon before our lunch with the Sausage Nephews," Abe says. Abe has Dino take him to the Sausage Brother's, South Chicago, Sausage Factory. They park across the street and look at the comings and goings.

"It just looks like a normal factory to me, nothing out of the ordinary," Freddy says.

"To the untrained eye, remember I cut my teeth on sausage factories, I've never seen one that didn't have a few violations. We have to get in there," Abe says deranged.

They notice that every time a delivery is received, the security guard goes back into his office with the driver, leaving the front door unguarded. They calculate that they have about 30 seconds to sneak into the factory. They wait for the next delivery, and they're in there.

Abe and Freddy find some uniforms and sneak around the strangely clean sausage factory. Not a surface is bloodied; it doesn't even smell like a sausage factory.

"Is this a slaughterhouse or a hospital, I can't even tell," Abe says. They make their way down to the factory floor; sausage is coming off the line,

"This sausage is longer and wider than mine," Abe says concerned.

"It's not about the size of the sausage, and may I add, sir, your sausage is magnificent," Freddy says.

"You're just saying that," Abe says. They walk to another room, and there's cooked sausage coming off the line. Abe can't help himself; he takes one of the sausages and pops it in his mouth.

"Aw, the sausage is like butter in my mouth, this is probably the best sausage I've ever tasted. We're so screwed, it was a nice run, but it's over now," Abe says. Freddy hits a button that reveals the beginning of the production line; they see human bodies on a conveyor belt being dumped into a vat, the Sausage Brothers make their sausage out of humans! Abe tries to wipe the taste off his tongue; he tries to puke, but can't.

"I can't puke up sausage; it's against my religion," Abe says.

"We have to alert the world; Sausage Brothers are people!" Freddy yells. Just as they're about to run away from the factory, both of them are hit over the head and knocked unconscious.

Freddy and Abe wake-up and they're in the Sausage Brother's office, confronted by the brothers themselves and some armed guards.

"Abe Froman, The Sausage King of Chicago, it truly is a pleasure to meet you, your sausage is a pleasure to see," one of the sausage brothers says.

"Yeah, but your sausage is beyond its expiration date, now," the other sausage brother says.

"What are you going to do, kill us? I got lunch reservations, you know," Abe says.

"Yeah, lunch reservations with us," one of the sausage brothers says.

"Oh yeah, well, people are going to be looking for us, you're not gonna make us into some sausage patty," Abe says.

"Sausage patty, for the king, no, no, no, we've got a nice kielbasa planned for you," a sausage brother says. All of a sudden, the Royalty of Meats bust through the door, the Viceroy of Veal punches one of the sausage brothers in the face. The Sheik of salami, using two salami sticks as nunchucks, subdues the two security guards. The Archduke of Prosciutto comes in and delivers a knockout blow to the other sausage brother. The Lord of Lamb Chops and the Prince of Pastrami come in and untie Freddy and Abe.

"How did you know we needed help?" Freddy asks.

"One royalty meat always knows when another is in danger," the Archduke of Prosciutto says.

"Go out, alert the world of the Sausage Brothers truth," the Lord of Lamb Chops says.

"We've got a couple more sausages to make ourselves," the Viceroy of Veal says as he throws one sausage brother on top of another.

Abe and Freddy rush back to Dino, who's waiting in the car. They speed away to alert the media, but traffic is heavy that day,

"What is going on, we haven't moved in a half-hour?" Abe asks Dino.

"There's some type of parade going on," Dino says.

"A parade, in the middle of the week?" Freddy asks.

"I don't know; I guess the script called for a parade," Dino says.

Abe sees a supermarket up ahead,

"I've got to get something to eat, we were supposed to eat an hour ago," Abe says.

He gets out of the car with Freddy and enters the supermarket; they offer samples of the Sausage Brothers sausage at the door, Abe picks up a few and swallows them whole.

"Abe, we just find out that people are in the sausages!" says Freddy.

"That's right; I hope I'm not developing a taste for human flesh," Abe says. They stop the sausage giveaway, screaming throughout the store,

"Sausage Brothers are people; Sausage Brothers are people!" One customer replied,

"Yeah, we know, we saw them in their commercials."

Abe and Freddy are driven out of the store; they wait for another hour and a half in traffic. They pass Chez Quis on the way back. Abe decides to go in to see if they'll honor his reservation from before, but the restaurant calls the police saying he’s attempting to impersonate The Sausage King of Chicago.

They finally get back to Abe's office.

"Oh, it's been a long day, I could really use a day off," says Abe.

"It could be worse, have you heard of this Ferris kid, they say he might die."

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