#sadly i suffer from a workaholic disease

[viaetor]

just got off from a meeting with my university instructor regarding my master's, and we talked a bit about my work expectations, his future projects i wanted to be a part of, etc. all good and dandy! until..... (˶╥︿╥) him: do you plan on following the academic life, publishing more things, etc? / me: yes, i've written some articles we can publish, i'll link them to you!!! / him: i thought you were doing freelance work as a translator and graphic designer this month? / me: ... yes. / him: and you enrolled in computer science courses? / me: it's always good to have a plan D! / him: and why were you chatting with (cybersecurity professor)? / me: a plan F! ........ he gave me a vacation from his lab and projects. i thought i was already in one....

[cbrosa-archived]

What do you think of bam Margera’s meltdown on Instagram?

annoying, sad, piteous and as i said once: tragic. cringe-worthy is an understatement.

is unbelievable to me seeing this is now the same dude i embarrassingly/openly admit i had a crush on from 2000 till 2005. the same wild, workaholic, arrogant, adventurous, selfless generous when it came to family, creative and insufferable unhinged goth pirate i got to see in his prime coming out of nowhere in this cliche ‘from rags to riches’ dynamic- probably explained why i was into dudes that fucked up that skated, wore some baggy pants with the adio shoes, skipped therapy and listened to nu-metal but hey that’s another story. 

some of the public figures i have seen and met from the 00s are doing well. retired properly. age gracefully with dignity, got happy arc endings or got their shit together while he just doesn’t seem to grasp the fact this ain’t 2003 no more which it means the cringe-worthy behaviour mixed with his ego that once made him rich and famous ain’t acceptable at this point anymore with his age and beyond washed-up status.

is depressing seeing how he just only at his lowest with no rock bottom yet, let’s be frank as much as i truly hope a damn miracle to happen a lot of us are prepared for his fate to not end well at this point - especially after the IG public meltdown manic mental induced drunk rants that started once again in february. he truly still believes he can STILL be rewarded for his attention seeking problematic and now abusive creepy trainwreck like ways which is crazy. is tiring and ridiculous like no wonder why his friends decided to remain distant of him, this clearly can explain his divorce with missy AAAAND that apparently his parents, brother and the rest of the jackass crew probably chose the same as much as they try to help him and look for nothing but the best for him.

sure, the man has gone through lots of dark kinds of abuse by people he trusted, i am aware of his eating disorders, i understand he’s mentally ill, that he sort of had a rough past as a poor kid who was treated like misfit trash by a lot of kids his age except his close friends, that he was often fat-shamed by his first ex and other people whiiiiich explains but does not excuse his obvious fatphobia towards himself, people, his dad and uncle, has been surrounded by leech-like enablers, that the fame lifestyle he was at got him on the drugs, booze and even toxic masculinity and of course you got ryan dunn’s death that makes the ultimate trigger of his evident demise. 

however, none of these matters are excuses for him to keep acting like an immature, deluded, unreliable, bullying, pity-partying, self-victimizing manchild where he just doesn't want to grow a fucking pair. by the way, to all the new/old school fans who defend that specific attitude of his along with his karen-like, ridiculous use of the n-word, overal homophobia/misogyny and antivaxx mask off antics: congratulations! you’re nothing but some of his many enablers to his path of destruction just as much as the people who ridiculize him for all the invalid reasons i stated on his struggles.

whenever he claims dunn's death was the thing that started to get him where he is these days, is more than clear is just one of the many lies he LIVES into his own twisted toxic comfort he created for himself, because he’s been in that path of self-destruction since probably 2006, according to joe frantz and novak’s podcast ryan was actually on bam’s first failed intervention in 2009 and was actually the only one who could convince him to try it. which sadly reminds me that he could probably be the one to make him get his head out of his deluded, entitled and narcissistic ass which is firmly stuck on. 

is the old tale of someone going through mental illness along with the disease of addiction. if the person suffering and going through these things is not willing to get the help available on their hands and doesn't want to surround with people who want the best for them and only yes individuals there’s pretty much nothing his family and few close friends cant do which are the ones i feel truly sadder for.

with all that said, i stick to remember everything bam/cky/jackass/vlb at the golden prime era which was from 1996 till 2006.

[viviae]

can you like. tell me a little about dragon age. seeing your posts about it has got me interested in playing but i have little to no clue what it actually is

Boy can I explain nonny <3 This is a bit long so strap in and im sorry

Dragon Age is (currently) a three game series composed of Dragon Age: Origins (PS3, Xbox 360/Xbox One, PC), Dragon Age: II (PS3, Xbox 360/Xbox One, PC), and Dragon Age: Inquisition (PS4, Xbox One, PC) and its really unique because of its selling point that your actions impact the games as you progress. Like if you kill one character in one game they’ll stay dead through the rest of the series which makes you feel lived in the story and that your actions matter. Dragon Age is also an RPG so a roleplaying game kind of along the same lines of DnD where you get to make and play your own character. And yes there are romances and you can be gay.

The First Game of the series is Dragon Age: Origins where you choose from a selection of six unique (technically seven) origins or backgrounds for your character. You can be anywhere from a human noble or a Dalish elf, the unique elven culture in Dragon Age of nomadic clans dedicating to reclaiming their past. But eventually, from the events in your origin, you wind up a member of a secretive and elite order known as the Grey Wardens whose duty is to protect the world from the Blight.

The Blight is this spread of a horrible disease known as the Taint but is characterized by the presence of Darkspawn, a kind of zombie like creature who exists only to destroy the world. Grey Wardens take the heavy duty of protecting the world from the Blight, which have nearly wiped all of humanity multiple times, at all costs. And currently the country of Ferelden is under going a blight and due to events you wind up the only Grey Warden with your companion Alistair to save the world and reunite Ferelden which had fallen under a civil war.

Along Origins you meet many interesting characters. Alistair is your friendly co-warden who has a mysterious parentage that he hides under his happy go lucky attitude. In contrast to Alistair is the witch Morrigan who is your favorite goth swamp queen who would insult you and you thank her. In addition you meet your chaotic bi rogues Zevran and Leliana. Leliana is a nun who is on the run and hiding from a dark past and she is suspiciously good at murder. And Zevran is not at all hiding his aptitude for murder as an Assassin for hire who tried and failed to kill you but who can ignore that charming bastard?

Dragon Age II follows a much smaller story of a Ferelden refuge who had escaped from the Blight to the city of Kirkwall named Hawke. Unlike in origins where you get to pick your background 2 limits you to Hawke but fear not, Hawke is a loveable bastard and you can still customize them. Throughout DA2 you get to experience all the delights Kirkwall has to offer: Demons, crime, corrupt cops, and fighting your way to survive in this city and make a name for yourself.

Where Origins sets the stage for the world DA2 you are the actor in that play - literally the game is divided into 3 acts that take place over a span of 7 years. DA2′s main conflict is the argument of Mages vs Templars, as in DA’s lore while there are those who are born with magic they are forced to live in prisons policed by the Templar order and the church. You explore the more political arguments of; are the Templars right in their fears of magic as Kirkwall is filled to the brim with corrupt mages or do Mages deserve the chance to live and prove themselves freely from their prisons.

Your romancable companions in DA2 are all bisexuals as the true theme of DA2 is: be gay do crime. You have the foils of Anders: the runaway mage who fled from the prisons the mages are housed in and is determined to bring mages to freedom, and Fenris: the runaway escaped slave who curses magic for only inflicting pain and suffering in his life and wants his warnings to be heard about the dangers magic bring. In addition you also have Merrill, your cute but terrifying Dalish mage who would probably murder you with a cute smile and then go oops. And of course, my pirate wife Isabela, who lives a life free from commitment and is dedicated to the idea everyone should have a good time no matter the cost. Also while not romancable Hawke’s bff Varric deserves every ounce of praise he gets as never before has the energy of “two idiots sharing a braincell” ever been so well adapted.

Then finally we reach Inquisition. After the events of DA2 it triggers a full on war between the Mages and Templars that is destroying the land and causing severe damage that neither side can handle anymore. Desperate for an end to the conflict the Divine (err... fantasy pope) calls for a meeting on both sides... only for the entire thing to literally explode. Killing everyone present and causing a hole in the sky which now means demons are raining like cats and dogs you are the only one to survive. In Inquisition you can once again return to pick between unique backgrounds like in Origins but you don’t get to play through those backgrounds sadly.

You now possess something on your left hand which gives you the ability to patch up the hole in the sky that is pissing demons and due to being the only survivor everyone is incredibly confused about you. Eventually the Inquisition is formed around you, the character they are calling the Herald of Andraste (Andraste is fantasy Jesus) due to your ability to seal the holes. The mystery unfolds as over the course of the game you learn what caused the explosion, how you are connected, and what exactly the mark on your hand is.

DAI has the largest numbers of romance options so I’m gonna give a quick bullet point list for them all

Iron Bull (Pansexual, All Races): A Qunari (think Tiefling but big and beefy) mercenary who is far more clever than he lets on, as well as being the rope top dom of your dreams. Literally! Bull’s romance is a really healthy bdsm relationship if you are interested its very well done

Josephine (Bisexual, All Races): Your loveable ambassador and advisor for the inquisition. She is a workaholic noble who is a tried and true classic romance. Sweep her off her feet and duel for her hand all while navigating the nobility

Dorian (Gay, All Races): The flamboyant pariah rock star mage, he demands attention whenever he walks into the room. Although he wants to be all talk and no emotions make no mistake he is making puppy eyes at you the entire time and gets deeply offended if you say he is. Also not going to lie Dorian is the best piece of gay male rep in gaming history.

Cassandra (Male-only, all Races): Your stern warrior wife who is all serious no funny business... expect she is a bleeding heart romantic who reads horrible smut for fun. You wish to COURT HER?? I mean... if you want 👉👈 she won’t say no...

Blackwall (Female-only, All Races): Your weird dilf who wants desperately to prove himself every step of the way and help people. He is a constable for the Grey Wardens, but all the details on him seem murky... Ah well I’m sure its nothing, the Grey Wardens are a secretive order after all.

Sera (Lesbian, All Races): My wild child, monster chugging, beer guzzling, arrow shooting lesbian. Sera is here for a fun time and not a serious one, she’ll always make sure to keep you humble and ensure you aren’t getting to big for your breeches. 

Cullen (Female-Only, Human and Elf only): Cullen’s the Inquisition’s commander who oohh boy is steeped in a lot of trauma. Cullen’s actually a character you get to know through out the series and see just all the horrible nonsense he’s been through. But he is your tragic self loathing... he isn’t princely but he is your adorkable charming

Solas (Female-Only, Elf Only): The humble apostate who joins the Inquisition out of curiosity of the breech, he is an expert on what the hell is going on with that hole in the sky. However, he holds a wisdom that goes far deeper than your typical apostate. Smooth talking and refined he carries a heavy cloud over him.

I left out a lot and all the nonsense with books and what have you but this is the easiest overview of the series I can offer. It’s main selling points is the deep story and characters throughout the games. And of course who doesn’t love the ability to make and roleplay your own character as a bonus? The games are bit of a flawed gem and Origins in my ugly child but they are truly a delight if you are interested

[hellyes-tommccamus]

Mutant X [TV] (2001-2004)

S01E11 “Whiter Shade of Pale”

[spoilers]

Sci-fi/action

Tom McCamus plays a main role in season 1

Another episode named after a song an English rock band, this time Procol Harum. The song is a good choice for the title, thematically it matches the episode as it is about love and loss, and also the lyrics “her face at first just ghostly turned a whiter shade of pale” could describe Danielle, on a couple of levels.

Brennan and Jesse visit the safe house and Neil (Xuan Fraser), whose New Mutant power is not needing much sleep. Not a flashy power, but I’m sure most people would find it useful. He has brought a cyto filter from a Dr Hollis. From what I can gather this is a consumable used in centrifuges, not something awfully technical but I guess Adam can’t use the Sanctuary as a shipping address (at least not since three mailmen got lost in the mountains). Adam has sent a new prototype genetic sequencer to go back to Dr Hollis. As new genetic sequencers are still being developed today I’m agreeing that this is a realistic thing for Adam to have made. But then Brennan says it is designed to restore the DNA of New Mutants and well, that’s not what sequencers do. They “read” the DNA code, which is made of nucleotides A G T and C so that it can be studied. If they had only given it some kinda phoney sci-fi name. But an invisible “ghost” takes the sequencer and hurls things at them to escape.

Adam tells Emma that he knew someone was going to steal it so he installed a tracking device in it. Maybe, I dunno, have some security? Oh no sorry that would ruin the plot. Emma can’t understand why Adam is so blasé about the theft. He thinks it was stolen by a mutant with out of control mutating DNA (this again?) Adam knows it was a Stealth New Mutant, which I imagine would fit into the molecular category. Adam says they are able to emit an aura that reflects light, which is the basic principal behind real life stealth tech. Hey, even my friendly neighbourhood military contractor has their own stealth system based on reflecting light. Emma is pretty baffled by Adam’s reactions (might have been a good time to use her telempathy, or did they cut the scene where she had to promise not to use it on her team?). He sends her and Shalimar to investigate at the safe house, even though Jesse and Brennan are already there.

Aldus Burke (Christopher Bolton), who Mason introduces as an informant, has news about a piece of Mutant X tech that has gone missing. Mason isn’t interested until he hears it was stolen by a stealth New Mutant. In this short scene he gets Aldus’ name wrong twice, presumably on purpose.

At the safe house, the girls pretty much state the obvious about Adam probably knowing who stole the sequencer. He usually does know from powers alone, so it’s not exactly unusual. Then Shalimar does something that is not only bad science but also bad health and safety. The thief hit the van window on their way out and Shalimar finds some blood on a piece of glass. Bad science: don’t touch blood, you’re contaminating evidence. Bad health and safety: don’t touch blood with bare hands (always assume it is infectious) also don’t touch broken glass with bare hands. Didn’t anybody on the show think to mention this? (Perhaps I am too fussy and would be banned from film sets).

Adam runs a test on the blood. I’m not sure why there’s an animation of blood every time Adam analyses some. Looking at blood cells under a microscope wouldn’t really help. And despite being a genius geneticist all he can tell is that it is from a female New Mutant. Shalimar questions this, and he says he can barely identify the DNA as human as it is so deteriorated. And to that I’m going to say balderdash.

Jesse and Brennan get a location on the sequencer and Adam goes to investigate alone. Conveniently it’s fall and the person whose house Adam has gone to has decided to give up raking leaves and just have them coating their driveway evenly so their footprints are completely visible even in stealth mode. We’ve previously seen Adam dismissive and cynical on the topic of love, so he disappoints me by being instantly all over Danielle (Guylaine St-Onge). They clearly have some history together but then Aldus shows up, accompanied by one GS Agent, maybe because for some reason Mason won’t accept him into the GSA. Aldus reveals himself as a feral and brutally attacks Adam to get the sequencer. Danielle goes stealth and tells Adam to meet her later. Back at Sanctuary Adam dismisses his team’s concerns and goes off to sulk. There’s the problem with an open plan home, there’s no real private places to be alone.

Adam looks at the DNA samples again. Emma comments that the chromosomes look splintered. Damage to DNA is actually unlikely to be visible to that extent. Chromosomes don’t break like split ends of hair. Pieces may break off entirely due to damage by for instance radiation, but cells are smart and like to repair themselves where possible, so the ends get stuck back together. Not always the right way round, but at least they try.

Emma probes about the Stealth New Mutant, and Adam at first accuses her of reading him but then tells her he met Danielle sixteen years ago when he was working at Genomex and she was struggling with her powers and they fell in love. Now I don’t believe Adam could possibly have started work at a Genomex more than 30 years previously (unless he is a lot older than he looks). So either the New Mutant project began before Adam was involved or “treatment” was given to much older children because we really hope Danielle was much older than 14 when they fell in love. He says he thinks she disappeared because she knew she would have a short lifespan. If Adam knew this, why didn’t he try to come up with a genetic cure for what was wrong with Danielle? In a previous episode it has been mentioned that in the early days of Genomex they were working to cure genetic diseases. So why not that one?

Mason isn’t happy that Aldus brought him the sequencer but not the stealth New Mutant. He seems to recognise her name when Aldus says it. He is not happy that Aldus didn’t take infrared goggles to track Danielle. Infrared cloaking is something military stealth devices aim to do, so the goggles would be useless against stealth jets, but it seems Danielle’s power only fools unaided human eyes. The erratic way that Mason treats his subordinates is really obvious here. He’s extremely hostile towards Aldus from the get go, while with others he is quite lenient. Maybe it’s a deliberate power play, or perhaps he knows that he can get away with treating people he dislikes as he wishes.

Adam meets Danielle in a fancy wine bar, which appears to have been a favourite place of theirs. Danielle tells him that Mason told her that Adam only cared about Genomex and that she’d be a test subject if she stayed. Which is kind of interesting. She must have been at Genomex for a while. I wonder how the staff at Genomex reacted to New Mutants there, being studied. Adam says earlier that she was struggling with her powers. Was he running some kind of secret clinic to help New Mutants use their powers? Or was this open and authorised? Mason at least knew what was going on. Danielle says she trusted him, and Adam says that he did too. So were they forced to see each other secretly at the closest bar to the facility? I can imagine that Mason was not jealous of their relationship (due to his general disdain for New Mutants) but more of the fact that Danielle probably disrupted the whole workaholic solidarity that he and Adam probably had back then.

Danielle says she decided to leave and live her life rather than hope for a cure. Which is something people with terminal illnesses often decide to do. And who could fault them for that? The actress who played her sadly died of cancer, in a truly tragic example of life imitating art in a way that we really wish it wouldn’t.

For some reason Shalimar and Emma decide to break into Danielle’s house. And talk loudly while inside. They find a note that Danielle has left for her daughter. The last we saw her she was running away, then met Adam at the bar. How did she leave the note if she only knew Adam was there when she was already outside of her house then ran away straight after? Well I guess she may have doubled back in stealth mode. But how, if she’s struggling to control her powers?

Danielle’s daughter Catherine (Sarah Gadon) comes home so Shalimar and Emma must hide. By respectively almost doing the splits on the stairs and cowering by a wall. Real good hiding there. Catherine has the same power as her mother so easily finds them. But then the GSA show up and she is forced to trust the intruders.

Aldus and his henchmen put on red sunglasses, which are pretty cool, but we’re supposed to believe that they detect infra red? Infra red goggles look more like binoculars that are strapped onto the head. My friendly neighbourhood hardware store stocks a nice similar pair of glasses in green that protect from infra red radiation, but that’s the opposite of what they want.

Adam wants Danielle to come back to Sanctuary with him. But she’s not convinced. She places more trust something Mason must have told her maybe a decade ago about a drug called efanol (which in the real world is a name variously given to an antihistamine drug and a steroid). Danielle seems sure that she hasn’t much time to live but wants to help her daughter who she fears will suffer the same fate. Adam looks surprised and asks how old her daughter is. She is fifteen. So if Adam never knew she was pregnant, their relationship must have been extremely brief.

Danielle is fading in and out, and thankfully the other diners and the staff seem completely unaware of this. Adam takes her back to Sanctuary and gives her efanol, even though he said it was too risky. And he says strand again. And I cringe. I do however like how he uses spray paint to make her arm visible for the futuristic needle-less needle.

The girls bring Catherine back to Sanctuary. Despite being told not to go into the lab, there’s no stopping someone with stealth powers, so she goes to her mother and also meets Adam. And there’s no prizes for guessing what Adam’s thinking.

Aldus reports back to Mason about Danielle’s daughter, and Mason tells him to focus on finding her.

Emma’s clearly thinking the same thing as Adam as she asks Catherine about her father. She says all she knows is that he was smart and he and her mother really loved each other for a while. Which kinda sounds like someone we know.

Danielle thinks she’s back to normal after the first treatment and wants more. It’s not terribly surprising when Adam refuses that she disappears. What I do find surprising is how easily people escape Sanctuary. As nobody sees the way there, it’s odd how they don’t often find them hopelessly trying to start the Double Helix or driving round the mountains in a stolen car.

As it turns out she stole Adam’s car and calls Mason for help. For a moment Thorne makes a surprise return! Of course we’re not supposed to notice that they re-used some of internal establishing shots of Genomex from the first couple of episodes. But then they didn’t see me coming.

Catherine and Adam have a “father-daughter” bonding chat. Adam suggests that he doesn’t think he’s her father. There’s a bit of a plot hole/inconsistency with dialogue about past events here. Adam said earlier that he first met Danielle when she was struggling with her powers. But here he says that when he met her he saved her life and as a consequence she ended up with stealth abilities. Then she was struggling with her new powers and they fell in love? That’s a lot to happen in a period of maybe 3 months. Then Danielle ran off because Adam had saved her life but not a long life. And instead of using her short life wisely immediately got pregnant and passed on her faulty genes to the child.

Adam has a bogus science idea to save the lives of both Danielle and her daughter. He wants to recombine Catherine’s DNA with her mother’s and somehow that will save them both. For a start, how? Terrible misuse of the word recombine here. I mean they get an A+ for effort, the writers obviously looked up lots of science words. But then they have completely invented their own definitions of them. Somehow mixing the DNA of a sick person with the DNA of their maybe sick in the same way offspring to make them both well? Oh dear. And of course we’re using the genetic sequencer which as we’ve already covered, does not do things like that. I have an alternate ending that is more scientific. The efanol works and Danielle has some side effects but they are mild ones she can live with (especially as she will die without any treatment). Adam discusses with Danielle that if Catherine starts to show similar symptoms, the drug will be an option for her and the side effects could vary from none to severe, but they will not know until she tries it as everyone reacts differently to drugs.

Emma tracks down Aldus in order to charm the sequencer away from him. And with her telempathy that doesn’t take long.

Danielle meets Mason at the same place she just met Adam. I like the part where she looks very unimpressed when he tells her he brought his own chef. She is one of the only people we see him touch voluntarily and he actually refers to their previous romance. Which must have also happened within that very busy 3 month period. I don’t really understand why he brought his men when she was practically begging for his help and would probably have happily gone with him. But then the guys of Mutant X show up to save her.

In the lab Adam goes ahead with his super scientific plan to save Danielle, which for some reason involves taking blood from Catherine. At least this time the blood taking process looks a lot less painful.

In an extremely baffling scene, Mason seems to enjoy eating a plate of noodles while talking about all the ways in which its contents will kill him. (Oddly tumblr decided to show me a picture of egg and noodles when I was logging in to post this). He forces Aldus to join him and after one forkful, he falls over, presumably dead. Now it’s not overly clear but I think Mason poisoned him. It’s clear Mason hated him for some unexplained reason and he did screw up repeatedly, but is this an excuse for murder in a public place? Or did he simply choke to death very quickly and quietly?

Danielle and Catherine are back to full health and Adam arranges for them to be moved to a new home. He directly asks if Catherine is his daughter and she says no. Adam perpetuates a great myth about genetic heritability in his comment about eye colour. Both he and Danielle have brown eyes so yes would most likely produce a child with brown eyes too. But genetic inheritance of eye colour is not that simple. Multiple genes control eye colour so it isn’t impossible for Catherine to have blue eyes and also be his daughter. We know that Danielle also had a romance with Mason, so it’s possible that she is his daughter. That could have been an interesting storyline. But as it’s an episodic show her father must remain a mystery as she is a non-returning guest star.

[selfthoughtsandreflection]

12/26/2018

Day after Christmas-

I flew back to Ann Arbor on the 22nd. This is a particularly exciting vacation because I’ve turned off my email for the week so I can’t have access to my email. Go block leave. But, this is particularly sensitive timing for my family. Grandpa tripped and is in the hospital unconscious because he has a hemorrhage. Mom is in China with Grandpa and coming back on the 29th which means I’m the lucky winner that’s taking care of my brother while mom is not here. 

In the past couple of days, family friends have been nice enough to offer us their hospitality, inviting us to their holiday parties and family gathering. I’ve been taking my brother to those because I don’t want him to feel so alone during the holidays, where everyone is spending time with family and gathering together to celebrate. 

I’m realizing how difficult this is. Today, I wanted to take the bro to a cafe because I’m going crazy from spending all day at home, it just feels so suffocating ya know? I told him that if we’re going to a cafe, he needs to bring a book to read and he absolutely refused. I threatened that I wouldn’t take him if that’s the case and he said- “OK”. I’m so annoyed because he knew that I cared too much to leave him at home alone. He hasn’t eaten breakfast or lunch so I wanted to feed him at the cafe. This was supposed to be my vacation where I can actually unplug, relax, and enjoy time with myself or friends and family. Instead, I’m actually like a second mom, taking care of a teenage kid. I never signed up for this and I can’t help but be angry at the situation. There’s nothing I can do about the situation and it’s just so unfortunate. But, when I compare my current situation with my other coworkers or friends, who have both parents to talk to, a large family to go home and celebrate with, or the monetary means to go somewhere fancy for vacation, I can’t help but feel a little less than.

My hope is that the suffering is a character building experience which in the future I will look back at and say that it was a good learning experience. I also hope this is only a short term- it’s been such a tough 2018.

On top of that, I’ve been looking for jobs and the last role that I interviewed for just turned me down. I’m honestly kind of shocked they rejected me. But, I guess it’s not a bad thing because I wasn’t so keen on it anyways. I was also brutally honest at the interview. They asked me how I feel my current job and I literally told them everything I felt that was wrong about what my current role is and what I want for the future. Maybe I was too much of a visionary because I talked about how I want to lead and they probably wanted someone who is more of a follower type role. It’s not bad, it just means that it’s not the right role. But it does hurt my ego a little bit to get rejected. There’s been so many rejections so I just don’t know when the yes will be. I just pray that God has a handle on this and he will deliver the perfect role at the perfect time for me after all of these trials.

I’ve been reading a bunch of life philosophy books and really reflecting on what I want in life recently. 

Lean In- The book by Cheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook. She talks about how we should bring up gender bias as a topic of discussion in organizations. Women are expected to “do it all” but the truth is, we don’t have to do it all, we just have to do well at what we value the most. Family, career etc. It’s important to have a supportive spouse as well as a supportive work culture in order to facilitate that success and we should expect support, not do it all alone. 

1) What really struck with me is when she talked about how it’s important to ask and to set expectations. As women, we’re sometimes expected to be grateful for what we have instead of demanding for more, for the fear that demanding can be seen as “bossy.” But, if we never ask, how can we be expected to receive? 

2) We should take risks. Cheryl took the risk of joining Google to be head of a division that hasn’t even existed when she signed the job offer. It’s important to take risks. In my opinion, as I’m reflecting on the job search, the ideal role is something strategic & finance in a developed startup where I can see myself growing with the company. The way to make it is to be promoted when the company gets acquired or grow with the company as the firm expands. I’m actually a workaholic- I don’t mind work, I actually enjoy working when I can see how much impact my input translates in terms of output so as long as I can see meaning behind what I’m doing, I’m actually really happy working. I think my personality is fit for a startup that gives me many hats to wear and I can make a big impact.

Tuesdays with Morrie’s- This book made me cry. Morrie’s has Lou Gherig’s disease, or ALS, which is a neuro degenerative disease. His old student rekindles the relationship after being a workaholic and Morrie’s gives the student lessons every Tuesday until he passes away. The important takeaway is that in life, we need to figure out when we’re dying, what will we really treasure about the life that we lived? What do we really see ourselves leaving a legacy in? For me, I think that’s having a fulfilling career and leaving an impact on people around- family, friends etc. When I think about it, I actually would really enjoy having a family and raising kids in a way that my parents couldn’t, provide for them and be there for them in ways that my parents couldn’t. I don’t blame them but I feel like there’s so many other ways I could see improvement and I want to do that. I would hire a nanny though, I want my kids to appreciate time with me and not take me for granted. I also realized I’m really easily attached and I really like having that emotional support. When I find this job and I’m in California, I should find a bae. I like spending time and emotionally connecting with someone. Friends is nice but the connection is different. 

Man’s Search for Meaning- This book is about a doctor who survived the Holocaust, he writes about the Holocaust from a psychological perspective. Psychologically what happens to people as they’re in the concentration camps and what happens after. My main takeaway from that book was that your mental belief can actually have a huge influence on your physical health. One of the patients he was overseeing in the concentration camp was struck with Syphilis. The patient said that freedom and salvation will be New Years. Sadly, NYE came around and there was no sight of freedom. The patient actually died on that night. The conclusion is that he gave us mentally because he thought that day was freedom; in a sense, that day he was granted freedom because he had passed and no longer had to suffer the physical illness. But, the story just shows that one’s mental state can really influence positively or negatively physical outcomes. I think this ties really well to the idea of “law of attraction.” Mentally, we need to think about how we can do it, we can succeed. If we don’t think so in our minds, then it’s harder to obtain what we want. We need to mentally welcome things in order for them to physically occur in life.

I find journals like these to be so therapeutic, I’m not sure if anyone reads these but the above are nuggets that I hope someday will help someone that is in a similar state of mind as I am in now. It’s important to maintain the hope and really channel the law of attraction in times of difficulty. Believe that suffering is a temporary state and the suffering is because God is building something greater for you. 

My 2019 plans are: 

1) I want to do a headstand so I think I’m going to attend yoga more, I think the yoga’s physical effects are so great- after I went to y7 I was like super sore and it was great but I also felt so clean in my mind. I really like that.

2) Find the right role with the right pay that will get me to become senior enough to make decisions, be that diversity in an organization that will be the right fit for my vision and my skillset in north Cali. Not sure if that’s where I’ll be forever but I definitely want to try it out for a couple of years.

3) Get a boyfriend. I think it’s right time for me to find someone to share emotional connections with and someone to spend the free time that I’ll have when I switch roles and do things with. I miss that aspect of the relationship.

4) Get a dog, I love dogs and I want a dog that’s fluffy that I can just hug and run around with. Probably like a medium sized dog that I can easily pick up but that’s not too small to fit in a bag. 

2018 has been a year of pretty shitty things. This is the first full year out of college. I’ve had several mental breakdowns at work and at home. This year has been a year of many challenges and many tears. I lost my Grandma, mom had surgery, and Grandpa got a hemorrhage.  It’s a good learning experience. I’m learning what I want in life, what I value, and how to deal with challenges. In the current moment, this all sucks so much but I know in the future this will allow me to achieve greater things. 

2019 will be a better year for sure. (It’s hard to make a year worse than 2018. kidding).

I’m optimistic and I look forward to what I will achieve and what the New Year will bring for me and the people around me.

[alexatwood86]

How Do Dysfunctional Families Fuel Addiction?

Families and Addiction: Navigating the Pathways of Dysfunction

By Brian M. Wind, PhD

Do You Come from a Dysfunctional Family?

Many people struggle to answer this question. In the course of having discussions with my patients about their families of origin, I secretly know the real answer to the above question about family dysfunction. Unless the patient with whom I am having this discussion is exceedingly rare, the patient’s honest answer should be,

“Yes, my family was dysfunctional.”

Lest this strike some readers as offensive, a disclaimer should be provided: there is a broad spectrum of dysfunctionality when it comes to families. On one end of the spectrum are families for whom a rather benign level of dysfunction exists, while others on the opposite end of the spectrum have a glaring, pervasive, and damaging level of dysfunction. The difficulty lay in determining where a family falls on the spectrum of dysfunctionality. Many people make the fatal mistake of assuming that the façade of functionality exhibited by one family is fair to compare to their concrete knowledge of the dysfunctional inner workings of their own family.

The truth?

The only perfect family is one that no one knows.

 A Hypothetical Case of the Smith’s

Take, for example, a hypothetical family – the Smiths. Mr. Smith is an alcoholic, and Mrs. Smith is severely codependent. The relationship began years ago with a “sizzling” dance of sorts, with codependent Mrs. Smith being drawn toward the exciting, charismatic, and alcoholically predisposed man in her life. As time progressed, Mr. Smith’s predisposition toward using alcohol as a primary method of coping transitioned to his meeting criteria for a diagnosis of alcohol use disorder, and Mrs. Smith’s codependent traits became increasingly glaring.

Together, they make a decision that having children would “fix” their problems, and may serve to stifle the dysfunctional nature of their marital relationship. Much to their dismay, they discover the reality that having children does not, in and of itself, provide a solution to the problems in their relationship.

Over time, and through perseverance in their tumultuous relationship, the Smiths produce four children. Now with multiple children in the home, the chaos in their relationship has reached a climactic point. The alcoholic patriarch of the family is frequently absent secondary to his alcoholic behavior, and when he is present, the family often wishes he were gone. Mrs. Smith has become the “chief enabler” of her spouse, often covering for him, all the while despising his behavior and longing for “the good old days” in which their relationship was exciting and she felt loved.

One of the main tasks in Mrs. Smith’s day-to-day life has become creating the façade that all is well in the family, while maintaining a couple of close friends who hold her up as a martyr for tolerating her alcoholic husband’s behavior. The codependent relationship between this Mr. and Mrs. Smith has become as stormy as ever.

Lack of Bonding Leads to Inadequate Attachment

Along the way, and as a result of the enmeshment of the couple’s turmoil ridden relationship, the Smith children begin to inherently receive a message that they must not be worthy of their parents’ time, attention, and love. After all, the first “fiduciary” relationships we as human beings are supposed to establish is with our parents. In fact, the lack of an established bond that should occur as part of these fiduciary relationships has been shown to be the driving force behind inadequate attachment, a la Ainsworth’s (1964) Attachment Theory.

Establishing a healthy bond is next to impossible when a father and mother are emotionally unavailable for their children, secondary to being enveloped in a tumultuous marital relationship.

Chronic and Toxic Shame Follow

As a result of an inferior bond with their parents, the Smith children feel less than adequate, traumatized, and by way of the adverse childhood experiences associated with their dysfunctional household, these children develop a sense of chronic and toxic shame. Tragically, this sense of shame is likely to remain with each of the Smith children to some degree throughout the course of their lives.

The Development of Dysfunctional Roles

The children begin to develop into dysfunctional family roles, with the oldest child serving as the hero (who can do no wrong), the second child falling into the role of scapegoat (who can do no right), the third adopting the role of the lost child (who is most damaged by the family trauma), and the youngest child serving as the mascot (who deflects the family’s pain with entertainment). Each child adopts a dysfunctional family role, and over time these roles may adapt and change with the changing Smith family dynamics.

As the children progress through their formative years and develop personality traits, a pattern is seen in the traits they develop. Most often, they acquire traits such as:

Hypersensitivity

Hypercriticism

Perfectionism

Emotional liability

The Effects of Dysfunction on Love and Work

As they enter their teen years and transition into early adulthood, these traits seem to impact the Smith siblings in two main areas – personal relationships and professional functioning, consistent with Freud’s idea that humans with psychopathology are impacted most in their ability “to love, and to work” (Glover, 1994).

The Smith children still carry the heavy burden of toxic shame, never feeling that they fully “measure up” to standards imposed by themselves and/or others. They suffer from chronic feelings of inadequacy, and seem to struggle in relationships. They feel most useful at work and may have a predisposition toward “workaholism”, people pleasing, and overachieving, or perhaps they “give up” on trying to demonstrate adequacy, and as a result become underachievers.

They are drawn toward codependent professions in which they are focused on tending to the needs of others, all the while subconsciously towing the heavy line of their adverse childhood experiences.

While the Smith siblings share personality traits, they begin to travel different pathways as part of their attempts to cope with their emotional pain. The dysfunctional pathways lead them in the direction of:

1. Staying the course of codependency – Because of the damage done via adverse childhood experiences, and the codependent traits they carry with them throughout the span of their adult life, these individuals ultimately follow the same course as their mother Mrs. Smith, choosing a mate who is highly dysfunctional;

2. Progression to addiction – Despite a solemn oath to avoid being like their father Mr. Smith, these individuals fall prey to the sense of ease and comfort provided by indulging in mood altering substances, sex, gambling, or a wide range of other high risk behaviors; and

3. Development of “psychopathology” – Secondary to the emotional damage sustained as part of the adverse childhood experiences endured in the Smith family household, these individuals develop mood, anxiety, trauma, and/or other psychological disorders.

Of note, the above-listed pathways are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

The Ripple Effect in Dysfunctional Families

Smith siblings may travel one or all of the above pathways of dysfunction throughout the course of the lifespan. At each sibling’s core – a codependent, traumatized child with a sense of toxic shame. This tragic reality is the result of the “ripple effect” of a family disease, and often can be traced back multiple generations.

Treatment is a Blessing

Sadly, many people like the Smith children will never make it to treatment. The prevalence of undiagnosed and untreated addiction and mental health disorders are staggering (NIDA, 2011).

For the fortunate few who make it to treatment, a skillful clinician is provided an opportunity to get to the “heart” of the problem, accurately diagnose the wounded soul entrusted to their care, and design a scientifically based treatment plan to address the core issues stemming from the dysfunctional family of origin. This, in essence, is the art form associated with treating addiction and co-occurring mental health disorders.

A Reintegration into New, Health Relationships

Sufficed to say, the above provides ample evidence that addiction (and co-occurring mental health disorders) is a family disease. As such, addiction must be treated from a family systems perspective, to the degree that this is possible. It has been hypothesized that addiction is the result of a complete disintegration of meaningful relationships, resulting in a sense of disconnect and isolation (Archon, 2017). If this hypothesis is true, then the “antidote” to addiction would be interpersonal connectivity, and responsible treatment of addiction and co-occurring mental health disorders should centrally involve a reintegration into new and healthy relationships.

This reintegration is at the core of the wellness movement for an individual in early recovery, with a recovery friendly network of relationships being of critical importance. Often, the family must be at the center of this network of relationships in order to optimize the chances for long term success in recovery.

At JourneyPure , the family is of central importance to our treatment process. Our family programming involves:

Intensive weekend family programming

Extensive psychoeducation regarding the family disease of addiction and co-occurring mental health disorders

Genogram work to explore the family history

Experiential therapy to provide insight regarding family dynamics

Integration of family members into the Recovery Support Team of JourneyPure Coaching, a unique and innovative recovery coaching software program

Through diligent work, skillful clinical insight, and persistent efforts, JourneyPure’s family programming tools yield a beautiful reuniting of family members, and lay the groundwork for success in family recovery. Our patients return to life with deep, meaningful, and supportive relationships with their family members, and families are provided with the tools they need to heal core wounds, function in a healthy and adaptive manner, and end the cycle of disease that has plagued them for generations.

Reference Sources: Ainsworth, M. D. (1964). Patterns of attachment behavior shown by the infant in interaction with his mother. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly of Behavior and Development, 51-58.

Archon, S. (2017). Drugs Don’t Cause Addition. Retrievable

Glover, J. (1994). Freud, morality, and responsibility. In Philosophy and Psychoanalysis, 157. New York: Macmillan College.

National Institute on Drug Abuse (2011). Treatment Statistics. Retrievable

Copyright © 2011 This feed is for personal, non-commercial use only. The use of this feed on other websites breaches copyright. If this content is not in your news reader, it makes the page you are viewing an infringement of the copyright. (Digital Fingerprint: f7a6e0cc3471137b83805a08cd727b99) from Addiction Blog http://addictionblog.org/family/how-do-dysfunctional-families-fuel-addiction/