#sad thought: he wants to be able to carry Phil in case of another medical emergency :’(

[mybraindumpsterfire]

They keep reiterating that Dan’s the strong gym gay out of the both of them and Phil is the delicate princess but I have to know…

What does Dan bench and is it his goal to hit Phil’s weight so he can carry his our princess?

[doof-doofblog]

"After Tomorrow, We Are Set! I Promise!"

Tuesday 26th May 2020

Evening everyone! As promised, here is the second post of the day covering tonight's episode. I hope you all enjoyed my earlier post today, can I just once again thank everyone for being so patient with me. I'm not a professional writer, I do this as a hobby, something I enjoy doing and to share my thoughts and opinions with you all. If you any of you would like to share your thoughts, please feel free to message me and I'll gladly respond when I can! I hope you all have had a good day today! There's a lot to cover so I'm just going to jump straight in.

Ha! Okay I have to start with Max, he was looking so smug at the beginning of the episode, thinking he was going to have a threesome with Ruby and another young blonde female. In the last post, I guessed that possibly it might've been somebody he already knows or even a male - and it was! But also Ruby did kinda trick him, she never mentioned he was a friend of hers or that they were planning a night out. I did kinda feel for Max when he realised he had been made a fool of, is Ruby really who he wants? I don't think he'll be able to keep a stable relationship with her if she's living on the wild side ... plus she's been flirting with Martin in recent episodes, so it's only a matter of time before Max and Martin come to blows. In all honesty, I don't think Ruby really wants Max ... I mean she's said right from the very beginning that she's just after a bit of fun, she's not interested in commitment, which I think is what Max wants. This relationship is not going to work, something will happen for them to call it quits, whether Ruby ends up sleeping with Martin or Max finally wakes up and realises she's not for him! What do you guys think? Do you actually think Max and Ruby could make it work if they really wanted to? Or would you prefer them with other partners?

Oh poor Tiffany! I knew Keegan would end up blaming her for what happened to his van. She was doing what any good wife would've done and stood by and stuck up for her husband. It seems as if Keegan is blaming her for everything at the minute, saying she doesn't understand why he's so upset with the police and why things are so different for him just because of the colour of his skin. I do feel for Tiff, she's fighting a losing battle trying to keep her marriage together. I do think, if this carries on, it's going to put a strain on their relationship and Tiffany won't be able to cope. She will eventually walk away and Keegan will realise he's lost the most important thing in his life. I am just guessing, but we shall see? Will Keegan beg for his Mum to stay in Walford? He clearly needs her more than ever right now. How will he be able to cope on his own? Even at the beginning of the episode Tiffany was confiding in Mitch about Keegan's recent behaviour, and even Mitch thinks it is wrong, he should stand and fight and get back on the ladder. When Iqra asked about the van and Keegan admitted he didn't have insurance for the van, it was just another blow. They can't afford to repair the van, which then also means they can't afford to pay Kheerat back for the loan he gave them! Things can't get any worse for Keegan now, surely? He's lost his house, he's business is pretty much over (unless he can try and work it back up) ... will he eventually end up losing Tiffany too? In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised, especially not after the way he's been with her and pushed her away in recent episodes.

Oh Jean!!! All she wants is to have her daughter back! I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be alright. She finally bumped into Martin! He's finally seen her after everything she's going through, although I felt like shouting at the screen ... why didn't he click on that she wasn't 100% herself! He should've known! Will he maybe ask Kush and finally come to realise what's going on? Shirley finally got through to Jean and she agreed to chat with her, although the words she used to describe Phil to Jean obviously played on her mind. She took Shirley's words seriously and tried to seduce Phil into bed to try and get him to let Stacey return home. Can I just say now, even though it might've been awkward to watch, I thought it was a fantastic, well written scene. Steve McFadden and Gillian Wright are just fantastic, I'd love to see them on screen together more often, their characters never usually cross paths but, as Jean believes Phil is to blame for keeping Stacey away, could there be more to come? I liked the way Phil actually realised that she wasn't well and rang Shirley, he dealt with the situation perfectly. As serious as Jean was, he told her, politely, to sit herself down while he made her a cup of tea and he rang for help. I don't know why, but I just thought it was a brilliantly written scene. One of my favourites from tonight! I think it's clear that due to Jean not taking her medication, it's making her think that Stacey is avoiding her, that she hates her! That clearly isn't the case ... as when Kush rang her, she asked about her Mum asking if she was okay. It's just a shame that Kush didn't tell her truth, I do hope in time he'll ring her back and actually tell her that her Mum is in a bad way ... let's just hope he doesn't leave it too late! Also, can I just say how nice it was to actually hear her voice? Hopefully it wont be long until we see both Stacey and Kat return!

Ben is really struggling isn't he? He's desperate to impress his Dad and do this job with him, regardless of his hearing loss. I feel sad that he's lying to Callum and it's only going to disappoint Callum more when he realises that he put himself in danger, especially with his disability. The moment when they were in the club and Callum wanted him to get up dance, I kinda felt the sadness that Ben couldn't hear the music being played, but when Callum dragged him up to feel the music speaker playing, I just think it was a powerful moment. I spoke a thousand words that didn't even need speech! But after realising that he felt silly and people were looking at him, Ben just wanted to get out of there, and again, shouting at Callum saying how can he love him when he's not the person he once was ... well he is! The person inside hasn't changed, just because he has lost his hearing does not mean that Callum has fallen out of love with him. I do hope Ben will come to realise that. I'm assuming the "Job" episode is going to be the one that will air next week? I don't know about you guys, but I have a horrible feeling that something is going to go wrong. Either for Ben or Phil, but due to Ben's lack of hearing, something will go wrong and one of them will get badly hurt! Let's just hope neither of them get killed!

Does anyone else think that Sharon is leading Phil on? I'm really unsure, I can't seem to read her properly. I feel like the more coy she is with everyone ... Linda, Ian and Phil, she's going to either do something that will shock everyone. I could be completely wrong though! I might be reading it so so wrong. When Linda asked about her living with Phil and if it was something she really wanted, she changed the subject completely and never answered the question! And even at the end of the episode then when Phil promised her that after tomorrow everything will be in place for them to move to the Vic, when they hugged, she looked as if she was thinking about doing something. Is it even what she wants? Or is she really wanting to get Kayden back and just have the Vic to herself and Kayden?! I really don't know! During those scene between her and Karen, when she actually held her baby and stopped him crying, it was if Kayden knew? A Mother's touch you might say? Karen did say to her that it's not too late for her to change her mind, will she actually decide to take back her son? For Dennis's sake?! She knows it's not what Dennis would have wanted, will she even tell Phil that she wants to have the child back? How will Phil react? I realise I have so many questions, but this story could go in so many different directions. We know Ben and Phil are going on this job, what will happen if Phil gets badly hurt, or worse killed? I'm nervous for these future episodes. I might've said it before and I'm going to say it again ... I would be absolutely livid if EastEnders were to kill Phil off, he has been my favourite for years, but I believe he's one of the characters who actually MAKE the soap! I mean, you can't have EastEnders without Phil Mitchell?! Right?! I hope Steve McFadden will continue to play the Mitchell monarch for as long as he possibly can! The soap WOULD NOT be the same without him!  

What did you guys think of the episode tonight? Do you have any theories as to which direction the story-lines may take? Unfortunately we have to wait another week now to see what will happen next, and if i'm not mistaken, I have a feeling it'll be the big one where we see Ben and Phil go on this job. What's going to happen? Also, am I right in thinking that next week's episodes could be the last we see until the cast and crew get back to filming? I could be wrong and we may have another week or two yet, but we shall have to wait and see! Hopefully EastEnders will be back on our screens as normal and back to 4 episodes a week very soon, but until then, enjoy the rest of your week. Keep safe! If you have any questions you'd like to ask, feel free to message me! Thanks a lot guys! Enjoy the rest of your evening and I'll be back next Monday! Thank you everyone xXx

[amazingphilly]

a wasted heart that just eclipses

ao3 link

Warnings: Major Character Death, Religious Themes, Mentions of Alcoholism

The peaceful silence of the church seemed to mock Dan as he walked slowly in. The dull thud of his footsteps echoed throughout the entire room. Nothing about the small building had changed since his last visit. The wooden pews sat empty, facing the altar and candles at the front, and the stained glass windows let the sunlight filter in.

Dan took a few more hesitant steps towards the altar. His plan seemed worse and worse with every inch he drew closer to the front of the room. A part of him, the tangled, miserable, scared part, told him to walk out. It would be so easy to leave, and keep pushing this off.

His feet kept carrying him forward, acting in contradiction to what his mind was begging him to do.

What were people supposed to do in church? He knew kneeling was a big thing. That was probably what the red padded benches at the front were for. He passed the last few rows of pews, and let his knees sink into the soft leather. Before him, a stained glass cross kept watch, daring him to speak and break the silence the chapel was drowning in.

He took a deep breath. “Okay.” Fuck. How was this supposed to start? He supposed just the way any other conversation did.

“Hi Phil. It’s Dan.” He almost cringed at his own awkwardness. “Uh, you know I don’t really believe in all this. But I know you did. You told me once that it comforted you to think about God. You said it gave you something…” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “Something to hold on to.”

Dan’s knees shifted a little underneath him, slipping on the thin red carpeting of the prayer stool. “So I knew I had to do this in a church. This was the only one I knew, sorry. I don’t know what to say to you. I really should. Every day, I turn to say something to you, and I have to realize all over again that I can’t anymore.”

It was true. He’d see a funny picture, or get invited to some event, and automatically go looking for Phil to show him. Ten years of old habits die hard.

He cleared his throat. “So…yeah. It’s been almost a year since you-” He couldn’t say it. “Since you departed. You said to me that when it happened- when, not if- you wanted me to write you a letter, burn it, and spread the ashes with yours. But you know I’m shit at writing.” His eyes clouded over a little as he gave a quiet little laugh. He could almost hear Phil reprimanding him, telling him not to swear in a church.

“Every time I sat down to write, I couldn’t find the right words. So I decided you’d like it almost as much if I told you myself. So.. here it goes.” His chest throbbed with a dull pain, right below his ribcage, as if saying that his heart would self destruct with his grieving mind.

“Phil, I miss you. Oh God, miss doesn’t even begin to cover it. Losing you was like cutting half of me off. It still is. I’m so fucking empty without you. The flat’s too big. I know I always complained about how small it was, but that was when you could fill it up. You’re still everywhere in there. I haven’t touched our room all year. I just sleep in my prop bedroom.”

Truthfully, Dan hadn’t been able to sleep in their old room since the last night they’d spent together there. He’d clung to Phil, as if trying to pin him down to the very world they lived in. Almost like he couldn’t leave if Dan was holding him tight enough.

The next morning, they’d taken a taxi to the hospital for what the doctors promised would be Phil’s last round of chemo. Usually when you hear that, it’s good news, it means the person can go home soon. Not for Phil. They’d heard a bunch of complicated medical terms describing how Phil’s body was reacting to the treatment, but the head doctor on Phil’s case explained it best.

His body just wouldn’t accept the drugs anymore. Dan had thought no day could be worse than the one they received the diagnosis, but nothing hurt more than realizing Phil had stopped fighting.

The scenery in this chapel was too peaceful for this moment. It made Dan’s goodbye more beautiful than it should be. Because it wasn’t beautiful, it pulled at all the fragile strings that held him together, that bound all the love and pain and fear that made up Dan Howell. Saying this was sawing away at those strings, snapping them one by one.

“Everything would be so much easier if I could just stop loving you. But I can’t. There’s never going to be another Phil.” His chest shuddered.

“You were it for me.”

Most days, he could push these thoughts away, bury them in work or drown them in the burn of alcohol in his throat. Being sad and drunk was a lot better than sad and sober.

“I remember one of the first things you told me when we found out your prognosis. ‘Don’t find a vice.’ You didn’t want me to turn to drugs or anything when I lost you. Sorry for disappointing you.”

The last sentence had a bite to it, an edge of irony and anger that colored Dan’s words too often these days. He knew the stages of grief, and he’d been told that, in time, they would pass. Most of the time, though, he couldn’t imagine ever moving on from this point, this all-consuming rage that filled him.

All of a sudden, the air seemed too thick to breathe, the quiet beginning to choke him. How dare God sit there in silence when Phil was gone?

“It’s not fair! You did everything right. What kind of fucking vindictive god would still take you from me?” It was like a dam had burst somewhere inside of him, letting a year’s worth of filthy poisonous water rush out.

Something warm and wet brushed against his cheek. “You didn’t deserve this! I didn’t!”

He realized it was a tear. Soon they were falling thick and fast, leaving dark, angry stains on his gray shirt. Dan looked up, as if to speak directly to God.

“He was good! He was the best person I’ve ever met! There are so many murderers and fucked up criminals out there. Why did you decide Phil deserved to die more than them?”

The birds just kept chirping.

He couldn’t do this. Coming here was a bad idea. It would be so easy to get up and leave, to never see the last rays of the setting sun mocking him through the stained glass cross at the front of the room. To never feel his knees digging into the prayer stool beneath him, and his heart twisting its way down into the pit of his stomach.

You can go, said the little Phil in his head. I’ll forgive you. Dan knew it was true. As much as he was trapped by knowing he would never stop loving Phil, he could wrap himself in the knowledge that he was Phil’s first real love.

And his last.

Fourteen months earlier, Phil had told him as much. The doctor had stepped out of the room to allow the two of them some time to talk after delivering the news they’d been waiting for. Eight weeks left.

“Are you scared?” Dan had asked.

Phil had reached out and taken his hand, his skin so pale under the fluorescent hospital lighting. “No.”

“Why?’

Phil had looked for all the world like an angel, wrapped in white hospital sheets, eyes still bright despite everything. He smiled. “Because I have the rest of my life to love you.”

Dan squeezed his hand tighter. “But I have the rest of mine to miss you.”

“Dan.” Phil’s expression turned serious. “When I die, let me go. Don’t hold on, please. Live your life, and do great things, and change people’s lives. You’re strong enough without me.”

Now, that kept echoing in his head. Let me go. He was at a crossroads now. Either he could leave, and keep pushing this off, drown a little more in his misery, or he could face the reality: Phil was gone. And deep down, he knew the choice was already made.

Let me go.

Dan stood up.

He let his chest expand with a deep breath.

“I’m never going to stop loving you. But me being like this, it isn’t doing you any good.”

He turned on his heel, facing the light that poured from the window.

“I feel like you’re still with me. Like, I don’t even know, like you can’t rest when I’m holding on to you. Am I right?”

Only the wind answered him.

“When you died, everybody told me that it would be okay, that you weren’t suffering anymore. I didn’t believe them, because fuck, how could you rest when you’re dead?”

Dan’s breath caught in his chest. This wasn’t the time to start crying again. But maybe it was. Maybe it was time to start cracking the wall that held back all his memories, everything that could hurt him. So he let his eyes burn with the promise of tears.

“So I guess this is what I’m actually here for. To let you go.”

The first drop fell warm and salty down the side of his face.

“I don’t want to carry you with me for the rest of my life,” he said. “You deserve more than just being a memory. I want you to be able to relax. I want you to rest.”

The wall inside him wasn’t cracked so much as obliterated. For so long, everything that had hurt him or reminded him of Phil could be tucked neatly behind that barrier, and Dan could keep living in sanity. But walls keep things trapped inside as much as they keep them out.

Let me go, the Phil in his head whispered again.

The sun was so blinding through the glass.

Dan felt so exposed, so vulnerable. He’d poured himself out in front of Phil, in front of a God he didn’t even believe in. All that was left was the truth. All that was left was himself.

The tiny seaside chapel stayed as quiet as before, the shafts of sunlight illuminating tiny clouds of dust mites. Nothing was different. Everything was different. Dan turned toward the door, and took a couple steps in that direction. Then he stopped, and walked back to the front pews.

“You can sleep now, Phil. I’ll see you on the other side.”

The church was quiet except for the noise of the birds outside when Dan walked out.

[philsdrill]

Underneath the Bandages

Summary: Dan hits his head whilst masturbating, and despite being rather awkward, the incident brings him closer with his best friend, Phil.

Warnings: vomit, hospitals, head injuries, fainting, mentions of masturbation

Word count: 6.7k

A/N: Disclaimer, probably not my best work but I wrote it so here you go.

A loud thump from Dan’s room interrupted the TV programme I was watching. At first I thought it was nothing, but as I replayed the sound in my head, it started to bother me. He probably just dropped something, he was known for his butterfingers, but something made me worry that it could be something serious.

I turned the volume off on the TV and called out his name, “DAN!?”

There was no reply.

To ease my mind I decided I would go and check everything was okay. I stood up, slipping my phone into my pocket and made my way to Dan’s room. The door was shut, so I knocked, again saying Dan’s name loudly. When there was again no reply, I decided I would go in. I guess he could be asleep and maybe the noise came from the neighbours, but something in the back of my mind told me that I needed to know.

I opened the door and was met with a sight that I had not prepared myself to see; Dan lying, naked, on the floor.

I could see that one of his hands and his stomach were covered in a white substance. That, along with his nakedness, told me what he’d been doing. However, there was one problem, he seemed to be unconscious.

I rushed over to his side to try and figure out what had happened? Had he been masturbating lying on the floor and passed out? Had he been on the bed and fallen off? Had he hurt himself or simply fainted? Ignoring his nakedness, I knelt down beside him to check of his pulse and attempt to look for any visible signs of injury.

His pulse was there and his breathing seemed okay, but he was completely unresponsive when I said his name. I contemplated what I should do next; if he had fainted he would probably wake up from it fairly soon, but I guess if he didn’t I should phone an ambulance.

I decided to put him into the recovery position, which was hopefully the right thing to do. I wasn't one hundred percent sure if I’d done it right, but I had him on his side with his head supported. I continued to keep checking his pulse and breathing, hoping that he would wake up and everything would be fine. It was scary, not knowing what was wrong, and I kept wondering whether I should maybe just phone an ambulance already, but on the other hand, if he’d just fainted, then he would probably be fine.

A small twitch from Dan’s hand gave me hope. He moved his hand a tiny bit again, then let out a low groaning sound.

“Dan,” I said softly, “I’m here, are you okay?”

Dan let out another groan, and next thing I knew he was throwing up onto his carpet. I grabbed some tissues from his bedside table to try and clean things up a tiny bit, but before I could do anything, he was throwing up again. He wasn’t choking, and at that I was glad to have remembered about the recovery position.

“Dan,” I said, again trying to see if he was responding, “Can you hear me?”

“Phiwwghh,” he mumbled roughly, and I guessed that was an attempt at my name.

“Are you hurt?” I asked him, “Are you able to tell me any of what happened?”

“Mmmhead sorr,” he said, somewhat indistinguishably.

“Your head hurts?” I asked.

“...f-fell from bed,” he mumbled, “Think I hit in the table.”

From Dan’s throwing up and confused speech, I realised that this was pretty serious. “Dan, I’m going to call 999; it sounds like you’ve hit your head pretty bad. Do your best to stay conscious.”

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, took a deep breath and called the number. I spoke to the call handler who I gave our address to, she kept speaking to me while she got the information passed on to a nearby hospital’s ambulance crew, telling me how to look after Dan while I waited for them to arrive.

Whilst on the phone and doing my best to keep Dan conscious, I did a couple of other things to prepare for him having to go to hospital. To save him some dignity when the paramedics arrived, I wiped the cum from his stomach, abdomen and hands, then wrapped a blanket around his middle so that he wasn't quite so exposed. I did my best to clean some of the vomit from the carpet, but there was only so much I could do without using the cleaning products that I would have to leave the room to get.

I slid Dan’s phone into my other pocket, and gathered him some clothes, which I shoved in a backpack I found in his room. Hopefully this was nothing too bad and he’d get let back home today.

When at last I heard the sirens approaching, I got up to press the button to let them into the building. It was weird to think that the sirens were for us, rather than blaring past to attend to an unknown emergency elsewhere.

I had to leave Dan to let them into our flat, and I felt like I had never run so fast in my life. I hurried back up the stairs with the crew of paramedics hot on my heels, taking them to Dan.

After carrying out some checks, they carefully manoevered him onto a stretcher, one of the paramedics speaking to him, even though he wasn’t making much sense. I was invited to come along in the ambulance, so I grabbed the rucksack of clothes for Dan and my keys, then followed them down the stairs.

In the ambulance, the paramedics hooked Dan up to some sort of machine, and made sure his head was completely secured. He still seemed a bit dazed and confused, but I could see a scared expression in his eyes.

“I’m still here,” I told Dan, taking his hand, whilst trying not to think about what I just wiped off it, “We’re going to the hospital; you’re going to be okay.”

With living in London, the hospital wasn’t too far away. I kept my focus on talking to Dan, letting the paramedics do whatever they were doing. I had to move away once or twice to let them in, but I was doing my best to be there for him.

When we got to the hospital, Dan was taken into A&E for some scans, and I was made to wait in the waiting room. It was nerve-wracking, waiting for someone to come and tell me how he was doing, despite the paramedics having been positive about his condition. I didn’t want to move my focus outside of the waiting room, in case someone were to call on me about Dan, so I left my phone and it’s games in my pocket and watched the other people in the waiting room.

Tired, anxious and sad expressions covered a lot of the faces in the room. Likely everyone here was in a similar situation to myself, anxiously awaiting news about how a loved one was doing. For some, the news would be good, for others, not so much. I was pretty sure that Dan would be fine, but the atmosphere of the room made me start to worry. What if he suffered severe brain damage and couldn’t remember a thing? What would we do then?

A lady started crying in the corner, and I wondered what had happened to her. Had whoever she was waiting for died? It was a scary thought, thinking that so many people in this room could be about to hear some seriously bad news. What if I was one of them? No, no, that couldn’t happen, not to Dan, not from a little fall like that. A clear-headed Phil would’ve gone over to the lady and offered her a tissue, tried to be of assistance, but I was currently in a jumbled state, my worry for Dan filling any space I had for worrying about anyone else.

My knee starting shaking in a way Dan would’ve told me was annoying, and I tried my best to stop it, but the anxiety was too much. I wasn’t prone to suffering from anxiety, but I think anyone would be nervous in my situation. I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down, and it worked to an extent, but I was still anxious deep down.

Waiting always seems to take a long time, but eventually I was called up, the receptionist asking if anyone was here for Daniel Howell? I got to my feet and made my way over to the desk, where a nurse awaited to speak to me.

“Are you Mr Howell’s family?” she asked.

“Uhh…” I hesitated, not finding it in my capability to lie, “Almost, we’re best friends, live together and have done for six years. His closest family is a couple of hours away.”

“That’s fine,” she said cheerily, “If you come with me, I’ll take you to see him. He’s awake, though he may be a little confused from the medication we’ve had him on. He has fractured his skull, a closed fracture, which means it is a relatively minor injury with no damage to his brain.”

“Oh thank god,” I said, letting out a sigh of relief.

“However, he is suffering from concussion and is in a fair bit of pain,” she told me, “We will continue to monitor him throughout the day, but if all goes well you might be able to take him home today.”

“Okay, great,” I said, “I hope he manages that; I’m sure he’d rather be at home if he could.”

The nurse led me into a ward, where there were a couple of other patients, but my focus landed on Dan. He was lying in a bed, a lot of cushioning around his head, but looking okay.

“I’ll leave you with him,” she told me, turning to leave again, “There’s the button to call for assistance if you need it. I think the doctor will be in soon to check up on Dan.”

I thanked her, before wandering over to Dan’s bed, taking a plastic chair with me as I went.

“Hey, Dan,” I said, sitting down next to him, “How’re you doing?”

“Alright?” he said, almost questioning his response, “Well as alright as one can feel with a fucked skull and a conc-conker-conker...son.”

“Ahh,” I said, chuckling softly, “The nurse told me that your brain is okay though, which I’m glad about.”

“Mmm that’s good,” Dan said, “I’m glad he’s okay. Brian’s a nice guy.”

“Are those marshmallows on my head? Can I eat them?” Dan asked, lazily reaching one arm up to touch some of the dressings and bandages on his forehead.

“No, they’re bandages,” I told him, laughing, “I don’t think they’d taste nice.”

“Hmm… pity… I’m hungry,” he grumbled, “I’m tired though so maybe I’ll sleep instead of going to get food.”

“Someone’ll bring you food when it’s time,” I told him, “You might’ve missed lunch, but your doctor’s coming soon and I can ask him.”

“Ask him what?” a voice said from behind me.

I saw a man with a clipboard, who looked like a doctor, making his way over to us.

“Dan was telling me he’s hungry,” I told him, “Has he missed lunch?”

“Yeah, he will have,” the doctor said, looking at the clock, “You might want to go down and grab him something from the cafe, because it’ll take a while for me to get something organised.”

“Anyway, I’m Doctor Rogers,” he introduced himself, “You’re Dan’s…?”

“Best friend, flatmate and business partner,” I told him, “Phil.”

“Okay,” he nodded, “Did the nurse tell you his diagnosis?”

“Yeah, a …minor cracked skull and concussion?” I said, not quite remembering the term the nurse had used.

“Yeah, it’s a closed fracture, which means that the bone is cracked, but has not moved to damage any skin or tissue,” he told me, “If it had, we may have needed to operate and he could’ve had brain damage to some level.”

I heard a mutter of ‘Brian’ from Dan, but ignored him to let the doctor continue.

“He’s currently on medication to recover from the shock, medication for the pain, and antibiotics to prevent infection,” he told me, “His current state of confusion is from the combination of these along with the concussion, but he should return to normal over the course of the afternoon.”

“The nurse said he might be able to go home today; how likely is that?” I asked him.

“It is probable as long as nothing goes wrong and I deem him fit to leave, but at the moment, things are looking positive,” he told me, “If you want to pop down to the cafe and grab him a bite to eat, I’ll do some tests while you're gone and then hopefully he'll still be awake when you come back for some food.”

“Alright,” I said, getting to my feet, “Any restrictions on what I should get him?”

“Not really, but I’d go for something that’s quite easy to eat and doesn't require too much chewing,” the doctor said, “We don't want too much unnecessary movement, which chewing could provoke, and he’s tired anyway so go for something easy.”

“Okay, thanks,” I said, leaving the room and leaving Dan with the doctor.

I made my way down to the hospital’s cafe, which was near to the entrance. Despite having not been there before, I managed to locate it without much trouble. Looking through the selection of food, I decided on a soup and a cheese sandwich for Dan and a ham sandwich and a coffee for myself. I wavered for a second, wondering whether they would let me eat in Dan’s room, but the food came from within the hospital and they were letting Dan eat there so I didn't see why not.

The walk back to Dan’s room took me a little longer, as I was trying not to spill the soup and coffee that I was carrying. Fortunately, I managed to get there without any incidents, and with both sandwiches still in tact. The doctor was speaking to Dan when I arrived so I quietly set the food down on the table next to his bed, and waited for the doctor to finish.

“Phil, do you know how Dan sustained his injury? Is your house a safe environment for him to return to this evening?” He asked me, gesturing for me to follow him outside to speak, “Dan's not telling me much, but that's not unusual given the confusion.”

“He fell off his bed, and I think hit it on the bedside cabinet,” I explained, not mentioning what Dan had been doing at the time, “But it should be safe to return to. I’ll need to clean the carpet because he threw up, but it should be fine other than that.”

“Had he been asleep when he fell off?” he asked, “Just if that was the case you should move the table away and cushion the floor around the bed in case it happens again.”

“No… well... umm…” I hesitated, wondering how to retain Dan’s dignity, “As far as I know he was awake… he umm… might be a little embarrassed if I told you exactly, but I think he’ll be more careful next time.”

“I’ve heard it all, Phil,” he said, “We just need to know for the record in case the information is needed on the future.”

“Uhh he was masturbating,” I said, feeling my face turn bright red, “He'd finished though.”

“Okay,” he laughed warmly, making a note of something on his clipboard, “Though this isn’t the first accident we’ve seen in result of that.”

“I’ll let you get back to him,” he said with a smile, “I suspect he’ll want some sleep and that’s completely okay, so don’t keep him from it once he’s had his lunch.”

I thanked the doctor and re-entered the ward, sitting at Dan’s bedside in the same spot as earlier.

“I got you some lunch,” I told him, moving up the tray that fitted over the bed and setting the soup and sandwich down on it.

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled, fumbling a bit with the lid but managing to make a start on the soup.

I finished my lunch a long time before Dan finished his, listening to his ramblings about sand witches and this Brian guy. When he was at last done, I put the rubbish to the side and flipped the tray back down.

Dan went quiet for a bit, looking at me tiredly but not saying much. Eventually he yawned, tried to lay back and then looked confused as to why he couldn't.

“Hold on, I’ll get someone to put it down for you,” I told him, not understanding how to adjust the bed myself.

I poked my head out into the corridor and captured the first not-too-busy looking staff member I could see, “Could you put my friend’s bed down so he can sleep?”

The nurse dealt with the request, after me telling her that the doctor had said it was fine for him to sleep. Once she left the room, it wasn't long before Dan was out of it. I was just contemplating what I would do while Dan was asleep, when Doctor Rogers walked back into the room. He brought another chair over and sat down next to me.

“You’ll be taking care of Dan when he goes home, right?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I confirmed.

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll give you some pamphlets on taking care of him, but it’s pretty simple. Try your best not to leave him alone at any point in the next twenty four hours. Make sure he doesn’t do anything to strenuous; if he can, just take it easy for a day or two then that would be ideal. Make sure he has plenty of support for his head where he needs it; like have a pillow if the back of your sofa is too low, and make sure he's sleeping comfortably. It would be an idea to put move away the bedside cabinet as a precaution; if he were to hit his head again before it heals, it would likely be serious.”

“Okay,” I nodded, taking the pamphlets from him.

“We’ll send him away with the antibiotics and some painkillers that are a bit stronger than those you get over-the-counter,” he told me, “I’ll leave you to read through these now.”

I started to read the NHS pamphlets which had titles such as ‘Healing for Head Injuries’, ‘After-Care for Fractures’ and ‘Caring for a Concussed Person’. It took me awhile to get through them, but I found myself feeling a bit more confident about taking care of Dan. He was still asleep, and remained that way until the doctor came back in.

Dr Rogers came over to say a few words to me, and in disturbing the silence, awoke Dan. Whatever he was going to say to me got forgotten, as he turned his attention to Dan.

“Hey Dan, how are you feeling?” he asked him.

“My head hurts,” he asked, “W-what happened? Where’s Phil?”

“You’ve fractured your skull, but it's a closed fracture which means there's no damage to your brain,” Doctor Rogers explained to him, “And Phil’s right here.”

“Hey, Dan,” I said to him to confirm that I was in fact there.

Dan slowly turned to look at me, “H-hi.”

“H-how long will it take to heal?” Dan asked nervously, “Will there be things I won’t be able to do?”

Feeling Dan’s nerves, and seeing his hand trembling slightly at his side, I took it and held it within my own.

“It’ll take over a month to fully heal, but the pain should be gone completely in around a week,” he explained, “At the moment, I want you to take a couple of days to rest and let Phil look after you. Don’t do anything to strenuous… what do you work as?”

“I work from home from my computer,” Dan told him, “I create and edit video.”

“Okay,” he said, “You’re probably good to continue with that, but take it easy.”

“In terms of what you shouldn’t do: no showers or hair washing for the next two days while you still have the bandage on, but baths are fine as long as you keep your head out of the water. You have a small wound on your scalp which should be more or less healed in two or three days,” he explained, “Also no alcohol, drugs, sleeping pills, driving or contact sports. I’ve given Phil some information and he’s going to keep a close eye on you for the next twenty-four hours.”

“Okay,” Dan nodded, “I think I can manage that.”

“Great,” Doctor Rogers said cheerily, “If you don’t mind I’m going to a quick check up, because I think you’re just about ready to go home.”

Dan let the doctor get on with the examination, and I slid my chair back, out of the way. The doctor did a couple of basic check-ups, had a look at Dan’s head under the bandage, made a couple of notes on his clipboard and finally stepped back.

“That’s you good to go home,” he told Dan, nodding at me as well, “Phil has some clothes for you, so I’ll let you get dressed. When you’re ready come out to the desk in the corridor where you can sign out and pick up your medication.”

“Okay, thank you,” Dan said, “Can I pull the curtain round because…”

“Of course,” he said, getting up to go, “I’ll do that for you.”

The doctor pulled the curtain around Dan’s bed, trapping me inside with him. I guess I would get up to go unless Dan needed some help. I lifted the rucksack of clothes I had grabbed up onto my lap and looked at Dan.

“Do you want some help with these?” I said, pulling the clothes out.

“I think I’ll manage,” Dan said, sitting up and swinging his legs out of bed, the hospital gown exposing a little more than he would’ve liked, “Oh fuck these are short.”

“Fuck, was I butt naked when… did you get an ambulance or what?” he asked.

“Yeah, I called an ambulance,” I told him, “You were really confused, throwing up on the floor and complaining that your head really hurt. I managed to establish that you’d bumped it on your bedside table. I covered you up a bit for the ambulance crew, but someone must’ve seen to get that gown on.”

“But I’d just… was I covered in… oh God no,” Dan mumbled.

“I wiped some of it off with a tissue for you,” I told him, “Sorry if that was a bit invasive but I was trying to save your dignity to some extent. You really should be more careful when masturbating.”

“I know that now,” Dan said, groaning, “It was just… good? And I think I was too into it to notice how close I was to the edge, and then I went over the edge in more ways than one. You saw everything then?”

“Well I heard a thump, called out your name, and when you didn’t respond, I went to investigate,” I told him. “You were pretty much passed out on the floor, naked and covered in cum.”

“D’you know,” Dan said, “I think I might as well let you help me get dressed. You’ve seen everything now anyway.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, digging into the bag and bringing out a pair of boxers and a pair of joggies.

I started off the process by getting them past Dan’s ankles for him, saving him from having to bend down and have all the blood rush down to his head. Once he had them pulled up the rest of the way, he was about to pull the gown up and over his head when I stopped him.

“Let me untie this at the back,” I said, “I think you’ve maybe got a bit too much cotton wool on your head.”

Helping Dan out of the hospital gown, we then had the realisation that we probably wouldn’t get the t-shirt on over his head. I tried to offer him my own button up shirt instead, but in the end we settled for him just putting his hoodie on (fortunately a zip-up one) and we’d get him properly dressed when we got home.

I finished the process by helping Dan get his shoes on, and then we were on the way to the desk to sign out. I kept close to Dan as he got to his feet. He was a little unsteady, but I put an arm around him and we were on our way.

Dan got signed out at the desk, and Doctor Rogers was there to pass him his medicine and explain the dosage. When we were ready to go, the hospital organised us a taxi. The journey home was uneventful, Dan sitting carefully so that his head wouldn’t bounce off the headrest with every bump in the road.

When we made it home, I took Dan to the living room and sat down with him for a bit. The doctor had told me to do my best to stay with him for the next twenty-four hours, but that wasn’t completely possible. Clearly, we’d have to use the bathroom sometimes and I’d have to do a bit of to-ing and fro-ing from other rooms to allow Dan to rest. One of the first things on my list was to clean Dan’s carpet, because I couldn’t leave it covered in vomit much longer. I grabbed an old towel, some kitchen roll, disinfectant and carpet cleaner and got to work.

After a while of rubbing and scrubbing, I decided that I had done the best that I was going to manage. I returned the cleaning products to their rightful places and washed my hands.

“Hey,” I said, as I returned to the living room where Dan was watching some TV, “How’re you doing? I think I’ve cleaned all of the puke off of your carpet.”

“M’okay,” Dan said, “And thanks for doing that, I’m sorry it happened in the first place. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot.”

“It’s fine,” I laughed, “Though I’m slightly curious how it was that good that you managed to fall off your bed!?”

“Umm,” Dan laughed, looking a bit embarrassed, “Let’s say I just got the right spot at the right moment, or maybe the wrong moment.”

“Wow,” I laughed, “This is going to be a good one to tease you about.”

“Shut up, Phil; I hate you,” Dan said jokingly.

“Oh by the way,” Dan started, “All your fans are wondering if you’re still doing a liveshow; I think you said last week you’d be back tonight at half seven… it’s quarter to eight.”

“Ahhh, I’d completely forgotten about that,” I said, “I’d better tweet and let them know I won’t be doing one.”

“You should,” Dan said, “Like don’t let me being slightly injured stop you. I can just sit here quietly.”

“Alright, but I’ll make it a short one,” I told him, “Shall I do it at eight?”

“Sounds good,” Dan replied, “That’ll give you time to get your laptop set up and figure out what to say.”

Taking my phone out of my pocket and typing up a quick tweet, I let my fans know what was going on.

Liveshow will be at eight rather than 7:30, sorry for making you guys wait

I sat at the other end of the sofa from Dan, in my usual liveshow spot. He was now using his laptop rather than the TV, making the room quiet for my YouNow. As I logged into the website, I paused to ask Dan a question.

“Someone’s going to ask what I’ve been doing today, what should I say?” I asked him.

Dan looked thoughtful for a minute and then replied, “Tell them what happened, but whatever you do, don’t mention the masturbating. You can say that you were at the hospital with me as I fell off my bed and cracked my skull. I likely won’t do a show on Tuesday because of this and it’s best someone explains properly. Make sure they know I’m okay; some of them are a bunch of worriers and they shouldn’t have to worry about me.”

“Okay,” I nodded, taking a mental note of what roughly to say, “You still good to sit there quietly? Let me know if you need anything though?”

“Yup,” Dan replied, “I’m good.”

I waited until the clock in the top right corner of my laptop clicked over to 20:00, then clicked the ‘Go Live’ button. People started to arrive immediately, and after about thirty seconds a good number were there. I said hi to a bunch of people, tweeted the link to the liveshow, and said hi to a few more people as they started to arrive.

As I’d expected, it wasn’t long before the usual question of “Where’s Dan?” appeared in the chat.

“Where’s Dan,” I repeated the question to let them know which question I was answering, “He’s at the other end of the sofa.”

Get Dan over. Get Dan. Can Dan say hi? Bring Dan into shot. Show us.

A number of requests appeared in the chat, and I knew that Dan wouldn’t want to be on camera. I picked out the one about Dan saying hi; he could manage that; “Dan, they want you to say hi.”

Dan called out a hello from the other end of the sofa. This satisfied the viewers to an extend, but there were still some spamming the chat. Ignoring that I changed the topic, reading through a few premium messages, naming someone’s new cactus and responding to some generic questions such as “How are you?” and “How are your houseplants?”

Eventually I caught sight of the question that I knew I had to answer at some point, “What have you been doing today?”

“Well… that’s a bit of a story,” I started, “I’ve been at the hospital, with Dan. He fell off his bed this morning, hit his head and fractured his skull.”

The chat was suddenly filled with exclamations of shock and queries of “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine,” I told them, “It’s a really minor fracture, like a little crack, so no brain damage or anything fortunately.”

“Everyone hopes you get better soon,” I told Dan, reading through the messages in the chat.

“Thank you guys,” Dan responded loudly so the laptop mic would pick it up, “I’m not really looking or feeling up to coming on camera, but I’m okay; a bit tired and sore, but don’t worry about me, Phil’s been instructed to keep a close eye on me.”

That conversation slowly petering out, I moved back onto something else, meaning Dan no longer had to speak to the liveshow. I started talking about my previous AmazingPhil video, then got onto the topic of our most recent gaming video, an episode of Sims, where Dil, as usual, had embarrassed himself in some shape or form.

I noticed Dan looking over at me like he wanted to say something, so I turned my attention away from the laptop and towards Dan.

“I’m just gonna go to the bathroom,” he whispered to me.

I muted the microphone so I could reply properly to Dan, “Are you good on your own? Obviously, I wouldn’t come in, but…”

“I’m good,” he said, getting up from the sofa and heading towards the door.

I unmuted the liveshow and turned my attention back to it, not really explaining to the fans why I muted it. I’m sure they would figure out for themselves that I was just saying something to Dan that I would rather not have heard by thousands of our followers.

As it was nearing the half hour mark, and this was just a short one, I started drawing the liveshow to a close. I was keeping an ear out for Dan on his way back, thinking that he might like to say goodbye from afar too.

I heard Dan outside the door, then it opened and he walked in. I looked over at him, about to ask if he wanted to come and say bye, but I felt something wasn’t right. Dan seemed to have a sway in his step, and when I looked closer, I noticed he looked a bit dazed and pale.

“Two minutes guys,” I said, laying the laptop down and jumping to my feet.

“Dan, you okay?” I asked him, hurrying towards him as he looked like he was about to pass out.

“Mmm,” was all Dan said before I saw his knees buckle and him start to slide down.

I brought my arms around him and lowered him slowly to the floor. I sat down with him, and was contemplating exactly what I did next when I noticed that he was still conscious, peering out of half shut eyelids at me.

“S-sorry, I just b-blacked out for a second,” Dan stuttered, “I felt a bit dizzy when I was up.”

I grabbed a cushion from the sofa and got Dan to lay down on his side, resting his head on it, “You stay there. I’m going to end the liveshow, I’ll be right back.”

I moved across to the sofa where I had left my laptop. It was facing away, which was good, but I don’t know what all they had heard.

“Sorry guys,” I need to go, I said, bending down so my head was in shot, despite at a funny angle, “Dan nearly fainted so I’m going to get him a drink of water and some dinner. He’ll be fine, it’ll just be a result of his head injury.”

I said a quick bye to everyone, not listing names like I usually I would. I clicked the end broadcast button and then shut over my laptop.

I sat down on the floor next to Dan and looked into his eyes, “Are you still feeling dizzy or are you okay now you’re down here?”

“I’m okay now,” he said, “Can I get up?”

“Yes, but slowly,” I told him, “And you’re only going as far as the sofa at the moment.”

I gave Dan a hand up and made sure he got back to the sofa okay, before running to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. While I was there I stuck a ready meal pasta in the microwave for dinner, thinking that he could probably do with some energy as he hadn’t eaten since lunch.

I took Dan the water, and then, when it was ready, the food. We ate dinner together on the sofa, having a light conversation about Dan’s plans for the next week or so while he recovered. Afterwards, we put on a film, both us a bit tired from our eventful day and not having the energy to much else.

We picked out a title that neither of us had seen or heard about, sometimes a risky choice. However, the filmed seemed to have a reasonable plot and character development and we both found ourselves enjoying it. As it neared the end, there was a sudden climax, where one of the characters died. It shouldn’t have been unexpected, the whole film had had subtle hints leading up to it, but it caught us off guard. As the credits rolled so too did the tears down Dan’s cheeks. I moved closer to him and opened up my arms for a hug; he was way more sensitive when tired. Dan buried his face in my chest and I closed my arms around him.

It took a while for Dan to stop crying, the piled up emotions proving too much. Perhaps I should have put on something that I knew for sure was light-hearted. Dan remained in my arms for a bit longer, and I spoke to him softly as his tears started to dry up.

“Do you want to go to bed fairly soon?” I asked him, “I can tell you’re tired.”

“Yeah I might,” he said, “Could I have a bath first though because I’m still a bit gross and sticky from this morning?”

“Oh yeah, sure,” I replied with a laugh, “Do you want me to go and run you one?”

“Mmm… okay,” Dan said, disentangling his legs from mine.

“You’re just liking these cuddles, aren’t you?” I teased him, getting up from the sofa.

“... yeah,” Dan replied, his cheeks turning a little pink.

Laughing, I turned away and headed out of the room, going down the stairs to the bathroom. I got the bath running and then came back up to get Dan. Once he had clean underwear and pyjamas, I came with him back down the stairs to the bathroom.

“C-could…. Would you mind staying with me?” Dan asked, “I’m kinda worried in case I pass out, and you’ve seen it all anyway so…”

“Yeah, of course,” I said, “I’ll sit down over here on the floor, that way you’ll have a bit of privacy.

Dan got into the bath, and I sat down in my chosen spot on the floor. He turned out to be absolutely fine, but we were both glad that I was there in case something did happen. When he was out, we both finished getting ready for bed, and before long Dan was in his room and I had settled down on my bed with my current book.

I had predicted that Dan would be fast asleep in no time; he had looked really tired. However, I was proven wrong when a knock sounded on my door and a miserable looking Dan walked in.

“Phil, I never got to wash my sheets earlier and they’re all gross and slippery and sticky from this morning and I’m not gonna be able to sleep because I don’t have any spare ones and I’m so tired that I don’t have the energy to think of something else and I don’t know what to do,” Dan cried, all of his words rushing into one and being followed up by large, uncontrollable sobs.

“Dan, c'mere,” I said to him, putting my book down and patting the space next to me on my bed.

Dan took a few trembly steps over to the bed and plopped himself down next to me, where he hid his face in his hands and continued to cry.

“Dan, it’s okay,” I told him, moving over to hug him, “How about you sleep here with me? Share my sheets? They’re clean enough.”

“I-is that okay? Are you sure?” Dan asked worriedly.

“Yup,” I said cheerily, “You take that side, I’m going to move the table away and put a couple cushions down like the doctor suggested as a precaution.”

I moved the piece of furniture and put a few spare cushions on the floor as Dan lay down in the bed. I climbed in next to him and turned off the light, and slid over a little towards Dan, who was still crying a little. Dan, without asking this time, nuzzled his way into my arms, but whilst keeping his head resting on the pillow.

“You get some sleep,” I told him, “I’ll be right here if you need me.”

Dan thanked me, before readjusting his position and relaxing a little more. I guess what we were doing counted as cuddling, but I think we were close enough as friends that almost all physical boundaries had gone out of the window. Dan’s slightly ridiculous sounding accident had brought us closer and I hoped it would stay this way. It’s funny how the silliest of happenings can have a positive effect on our lives.

I held Dan close, breathed in his warm scent, and let myself fall asleep to the sound of his breathing. Maybe what’s underneath the bandages would heal better than it started out, this could be the beginnings of our relationship changing for the better.

[newagesispage]

                                                                    JANUARY          2018

 PAGE RIB

*****Although companies can’t technically give financial support to a candidate, execs and employees can pool their money and donate. Let’s not forget those who gave big support Roy Moore: NBC Universal, AT&T, Aflac, Comcast, Lockheed Martin, Honeywell, Price Waterhouse Cooper, Pfizer, Boeing and Microsoft among others.

*****Check out the great new music video from This Ordinary Life featuring Chris Learned. Go Go Go!!

*****So happy to see Richard Gilliland on Criminal Minds. More!!

***** What went thru Hillary’s mind when she saw the crowd in the street yelling “lock him up” at Flynn. The former national security advisor admits lying to the FBI and was directed before inauguration while at Mar- A -Lago to work with Russia.  Wil this bring up charges of the Logan act in which people who aren’t in the government conduct business on behalf of the government in foreign policy?** ABC’s Brian Ross was suspended after erroneously reporting that Flynn was directed to do this before the election. ** Where is Hunter S. Thompson when we need him?

*****Days alert: I really do love Andre and Abby’s dynamic. **Good to see Kate get found and I can’t believe she later tells on herself.**I know that Nicole supposedly can’t get pregnant but will she come back one day with Eric’s baby?? Will there be a baby for Eli?** It seems that Sammy can’t ever be in town without bedding someone.**Great to see the fabulous Louise Sorel back as Vivian!!** Next up is GH’s Tyler Christopher as another DiMera heir, Stefan O. and Leann Hunley is back as Anna who will spend some time with Roman. Hooray.. There are new DOOLMOJIS, emoji’s of Days characters.

*****Scary clown has fired the entire HIV/AIDS advisory council by a Fed ex letter. 150 mil cut from HIV prevention, 26 mil cut from housing for people with aids, 800 mil cut from global programs.** The one good thing right now is the economy. The clown has the luck of inheriting Obama’s hard work. Many companies are doing better because regulations are being cut and money will be saved at tax time but how safe are the rest of us??  They may be uncomfortable with Trump talk but they will sure take the money.  I guess they can live with no good thought about human rights and climate change. And in foreign policy the President is Putin’s bitch.** Word is that they are working on more White House staff restructuring in January.

*****Reuters reports that Russian tankers are supplying fuel to North Korea by transferring it at sea.

*****Duncan Jones has launched an online book club dedicated to his Dad, David Bowie’s favorite 100 books. Woo Hoo!

*****Stories are coming out that the Dr. Phil staff aid in getting drugs and drink for addicts. There are also claims that people are not properly monitored by medical personnel.

*****The house passed the notion that conceal and carry can go from one state to another.

*****Cash cab is back with new shows after 5 years. Ok.. I did not even know it was gone but I guess the popularity of the reruns continues on the Game show network.

*****A mandate has been repealed so they will be able to drill in the National wildlife reserves. It never ends with these money guys. The Native American community are screaming out to keep Bears ears and the grand staircase safe and peaceful.** Mike Murphy calls our current predicament , “the first screwball presidency.”**

*****Scott Pelly is out as anchor of the CBS evening news and Jeff Glore is in. The network wanted to go with youth.

*****What is it with the History channel? They take intriguing subjects like HH Holmes, Jack the Ripper and The Zodiak and turn a few nuggets into yawn fests. The recent special , Manson speaks didn’t really let him speak much. The premise was that they had hours of Manson on tape but they only played a few select sentences at the beginning and the end of commercial breaks and the rest was mostly pontificating and talking to others. Harold Trues cousin was great though. There were some interesting people who had interaction with Manson or the family at various times and I did learn a few things but it wasn’t exactly as advertised. It did not need to stretch to 2 nights. Many of their specials are more of the same. One does have to wonder that with Manson’s death, will people come forward with new info? Hangers on or witnesses may have bought into his scary mystique and been afraid to talk and may feel more free to open up now. Will more mysteries get solved? ** Manson apparently left all rights to his image to a pen pa he has had for 20 years. News reports claimed he had no next of kin which we know is wrong.

*****Rick Steves is speaking out for the international legalization of marijuana.

*****Better late than never with Henry Winkler is back at the beginning of the year.

*****IBM has named Fletcher Previn its youngest chief information officer in their history.

*****Ads for the Olympics have already started.

*****Psych: The movie was delicious. Glad to see they did not lose their mojo.  There was a Richard Thomas mention. Go!

*****Word is that Stranger Things season 3 will hit us in 2019.

*****Have a wonderful 2018 everyone and fight on for the rights for all of us!!

*****John Oliver called out Dustin Hoffman for his treatment of women. Hoffman responded, “Do you believe everything you read?” The tone was as condescending as I have ever heard. There have since been more allegations. Since the incident John Oliver tells us that the conversation did not really go anywhere and it makes him sad.** Newest allegations in the me too, expose your pig era are against Tavis Smiley, Mario Batali and Morgan Spurlock. Andrea Ramsey is the first woman to be called out who had to drop out of a congressional race in Kansas after allegations that she harassed a male subordinate. And Gene Simmons is being sued which we should have seem coming. He was even put out by Fox news! ** Thanks Time for The silence breakers as the person of the year. In a world where these brave women are standing up after years of abuse, why are we still stuck with garbage like The Bachelor?

*****John Conyers retires.** We lost Al Franken and in his case it was barely mentioned that so many women signed letters of support and truly believed in him. He will leave at the end of the year.  I guess he had to go but he is such a fighter for the truth. He was one of the few who called out those taking our rights away. Tom Arnold claims this was all set up and the first woman was coached to bring him down and that he has proof but it is hard to believe him. He still hasn’t shown us the ‘proof’ of Trump and his filth that he claims to have. Will Franken be able to do more once he is on the outside again? What is all but the first allegation turn out to be nothing? What does that mean for his future? Tom Brokaw was right , that the people of Minnesota should have decided his fate and not a bunch of senators. Even Newt defended Al on Fox. Pelosi’s big mouth on Meet the Press helped to fuck this up. We must always believe the accuser first. But there are going to be times when accusations come for other reasons other than the truth. I always say.. follow the evidence.  Ruining a good man or woman is just as bad as rape.  But we must remember that only about 3% of sexual allegations are false. Trump and his cohorts know the left will usually back down. They love that the left are do gooders while they just deny and smile. They do not care about the “what about you guys?” stuff. The Trumpsters think Minnesota is a great place for “their kind” of candidate so they can gain more control.

*****Director Bryan Singer was fired from the Bohemian Rhapsody film for allegedly not showing up to work .Dexter Fletcher will now direct.

*****Ryan Reynolds will play Det. Pikachu?

*****ABC is bringing us Child support with Fred Savage and Ricky Gervais. I am not much of a game show fan but I am intrigued.

*****So it seems that those in charge at House of cards were listening and put Robin Wright at the top of the heap and will continue.

*****Homeless numbers are up mostly due to soaring rent prices.

*****The Trump announcement about Jerusalem was good for some more distraction and chaos. Nothing may ever happen with the newly named capital and it would take years before things were ever moved anyway. Why is this twitter coward allowed to put us thru this over and over? Why is he still holding rallies? The White house says he is testing lines for his next election. He is seeing what the base is most excited about because that is all he really seems to care about. So far, their research shows the talking points that get the biggest reaction are standing for the anthem, winning by a landslide, distrust of the media and appointing conservatives

*****The John Travolta /Gotti film pulled its Dec. 15 release date. Producers exercised a buy back clause and are looking for a new distributer.

*****We are finding out that teaching creationism is a big part of the reason Trump and Betsy Devos are so gung ho about this voucher school program.

*****I was so shocked to hear Donald Sutherland say he thought of himself as an ugly man. I vehemently disagree as I always thought he was so fucking hot.

*****The new tax plan gives tax breaks for private planes and inherited estates that are over a million. The plan will add a trillion to the deficit and seems to keep adding more incentive to the rich with every passing day.** Since 1980, the economy has transferred 8 points of national income from the poor to the rich according to the Washington Post.

*****The critic choice noms are out giving the top spots to The Shape of water and Feud: Bette and Joan. Others include Daniel Kaluuya and Jordan Peele for Get Out, Patrick Stewart, It , Stranger Things, The Crown, Bob Odenkirk, Michael McKean (yes!), Allison Brie and Glow, Ed O’Neill, Jessica Lange (no Susan?), Judy Davis, Laura Dern, all the late night Jimmy’s, and the only nom for AHS for Evan Peters.

*****This month’s Fox headline: Andrew Jackson: hero under fire!

*****The Librarians are back on TNT doing their goofy best with that great cast and its better than ever.

*****Christiane Amanpour is now on in place of Charlie Rose on PBS. Great show but I don’t ever remember her wearing that much makeup.

*****Brooklyn 99 has had a great season. Think Bovine Brothel!!

*****Baskets is coming on FX.WHEW!!!

*****What happened to the voice on the quilted northern commercial? They have now opted for a softer, more optimistic voice. Did the other voice scare people or make them cry?

*****Love HBO’s Rolling Stone: Stories from the edge. So many memories come flooding back from articles I have read thru the years. They include some of the most important stories from our recent past, lest we forget. Please tell me there is somebody deep undercover in the scary clown administration. Speaking of which, Omarosa is out and seems to want to sell her story but trouble is neither side seems to like her or trust her so how will that play out?

***** Will history lay a lot of blame, good and bad on the Clintons for the direction of this country?  They already point out the sexual allegations against President Clinton everyday somewhere. Did he usher in this movement?  The Paula Jones case made it possible for a sitting President to be sued which seems to have backfired on the republicans. Can you imagine Trump sitting for a deposition? Oy! Will Hillary be slighted for not winning and sticking us with Trump? There were many things in play in the election so is that fair? **Pete Davidson got a Hillary tattoo as a gift for her for Christmas. His statement: Thanks for being such a badass and one of the strongest people in the universe. I mean no shit..If the roles were reversed on the candidates: The President seems like a sore winner, can you imagine if he had lost? And can you imagine how well the government would be running with a woman in charge (except , of course all the trouble the haters would have caused).

*****A federal appeals court overturned a ruling that Brendan Dassey had been coerced into confessing to the murder of Teresa Halibach. Next stop: The Supreme Court. Let the guy out, what a ridiculous waste of time and resources.

*****The scary clown administration has told the CDC they are not to use the words Diversity, transgender, fetus, entitlement, vulnerable, evidence based or science based.

***** I am not always much on tradition but with all the ridiculousness going on we don’t hear enough about the niceties like the first lady decorating and the White House Christmas ornament which this year honors Franklin D. Roosevelt. SAD

*****Why were the republicans allowed to build this tax reform bill behind closed doors? This is not how our democracy is supposed to work. The mostly rich white male republicans just keep seeing how far they can go and they keep getting their way. They just do it. They had Trump so why not Moore?  We can’t forget how close that election really was with an accused teen loving monster.** I mean we all saw that focus group where the citizen said that his Grandmother was married and had kids by 13. Ok that is true enough I am sure. But then he added that years ago a Mother would be thrilled to hear that their 14 year old daughter was being hit on by a DA. What the Fuck? This is the mentality we are dealing with. No care for character or the hate they spew for those that are different as long as they get their way. Outlaw abortion, guns for all, more money allocated for the old useless trickle down and crow about Jerusalem makes everybody happy. Some evangelicals said their votes were their sacrifice for the greater good. My son commented that he did not see them as making the sacrifice, it was the teenage girls who sacrificed, not once but again and again as they are dragged thru the mud.  Isn’t the main objective of Christianity to convert others to the word of God? Is this the way to do it? It seems you are only pushing others away? Who wants to knowingly become a part of the hate? Why does some of the media never learn? They concentrate mostly on the allegations and not enough on the other horrible things that came out of his mouth. Why not tell us the wonderful things Doug Jones did in his life and the things he stood for? Of course, Mitch McConnell won’t let him vote on the tax plan. C’mon REAL media concentrate.. quit looking at the shiny object. It will be good for all of us.** And why do so many people not vote?  It makes me crazy that someone would not want to exercise a right that was so hard fought for?  Are they too stupid? Too cool? ** By the way  Roy Moore is now suing Alabama because he is such a sore loser claiming he has proof of voter fraud( yes, we are still on  that kick) and he also states that he passed lie detector tests about the teen victims.

*****What is with people on the computer in the government? Do they never learn to keep things to themselves? It will always come back at ya. This time it is people discussing what an idiot Trump is. Well, we all know that but don’t make inquiries easy for them.

*****Saw an interview with Judd Apatow. He said something about all films aren’t winners or something as he referred to Walk Hard. Oh.. what a shame, just because it isn’t a money maker. I always thought it was his best film.

*****Gotta see David Bowie: The last 5 years.

*****Disney has bought much of Fox which includes interest in Hulu and National Geographic.  Fox will keep the sports and news for now.

*****The Illinois Governor race is heating up with Chris Kennedy, Jeanne Ives, Daniel Biss and JB Pritzker with his empire behind him.

*****Anita Hill will lead a Hollywood commission looking into sexual harassment and advancing equality in the workplace.

*****The Golden Globe noms are out and will be presented on January 7.  This year there are nods to The Disaster artist, Get out, The Crown, Stranger Things, Elizabeth Moss, Claire Foy, Bob Odenkirk, Issa Rae, Feud and love for both Susan Sarandon and Jessica Lange, Jessica Biel, Reese Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman.  Supporting noms for Alfred Molina and David Harbour are exciting. The shape of water did big at the globes as they seem to be doing everywhere. I was so glad to see Ozark and Jason Bateman get recognized. Yeow! Oprah is getting the Cecil B. DeMille award which I was hoping would go to Kurt Russel.  They have done away with Mr. and Miss Golden Globes and rechristened the children of the famous the Golden Globe ambassador. This year we have the Rock’s daughter.

*****SAG also released their noms. They will air on TNT January 21 with host Kristen Belle. Jessica and Susan from Feud and all the women of Big little lies are included. Glad to see Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin from Grace and Frankie along with Alison Brie, Layra Linney, Elizabeth Moss, Millie Bobbie Brown and Claire Foy.. The casts of Glow, Veep, The Crown, Stranger Things and Curb your enthusiasm got some notice. Larry David and Marc Maron, Jason Bateman, David Harbour and Bob Odenkirk show us the fine work on TV. The movie noms pay respect to Laurie Metclf, Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson, James Franco, Daniel Kalluya and Gary Oldman.  The casts honored are Get Out, Mudbound, Ladybird and Three billboards.** There are so many great shows out there but I would love to see some recognition for Major Crimes and The Middle.

*****Don’t get me started on the new class for the 2018 Rock and Roll hall of fame. Again.. and I get so tired of saying this NO J. Geils?** So here it s: Bon Jovi (really), Dire Straits, The Moody Blues (about time), The Cars, Nina Simone and the early influence award goes to Sister Rosetta Tharpe.

*****The moment between Joe Biden and Meagan McCain was a heartfelt, spontaneous, bipartisan thing of beauty. It shows us how we can find our humanity. And on the other side it was a smart political move.

*****OMG.. Michael Shannon was on the best At home with Amy Sedaris ever!!!!!

*****The Trump administration officially downgraded climate change to a national security threat.

*****Thanks Karina Longworth for the most recent podcast of You must remember this: Where monsters come from.  Bela and Boris are two of my earliest childhood heroes. It is a nice break from the recent political landscape.  Hmm, pigeon and rum omelet dinners??** I also just read that James Franco is a big fan of the podcast. Give it a listen, you will be hooked.

***** A judge ruled that the FBI’s listing of juggalos as a gang wasn’t a ‘final agency’ so it isn’t legally binding and could not be challenged in court.

*****The bidding has begun for The Weinstein Company.

*****Ringo Starr and Barry Gibb will finally get their knighthood.

*****R.I.P. The victims of the train derailment, Simeon Booker, Pat Dinizio, Richard Dobson, Bruce McCandless. Dick Enberg, Bob Givens. Jordan Feldstein,  Marshall Loeb, Sue Grafton, Jack Blessing, John Anderson, Jim Burns, Erica Garner and Rose Marie.

  �_Mc��P��