#sa rang you lucky bitch

[arandomblackgirl]

That kiss was one for the books fr I'm still shaking wtf??? SO MUCH TONGUE!!! And did y'all see him bite her lip???? ALSO HE ASKED PERMISSION I'M OBSESSED

Gu Won is officially one of the best kdrama leads out there

[loliwrites]

III. Bravery | Edelweiss

pairing: joel miller x f!reader  rating: explicit, 18+, minors dni  warnings/tags: jackson era!joel, sharpshooter!reader, enemies to lovers [ish], age difference [joel is mid 50s, reader is early to mid 30s], joel lives forever fight me, switching povs, canon compliant violence, no infected but terrible humans present, one use of bitch [readers inner monologue], mention of death, stabbing, and blood, attempted SA [reader gets revenge], female rage, SMUT, protected p in v sex, clear and abundant consent, fingering, oral [f receiving], praise kink [attagirl, good girl], aftercare, stress baking, female reader, no physical description, protective!joel, joel’s really just a big softie, no use of y/n. word count: 7.4k series masterlist  a/n: gosh there is not much i love more than uninhibited female rage. and the praise kink will always make an appearance because i’m just an ex-honors student at heart

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“I know you’re Mr. Shoot First Talk Second, but try to control that trigger finger if we run into any of them. That boy whose brain you painted along the stairwell the day you found me? He wasn’t a bad guy,”

Joel flicked his eyes at you, and from your periphery, you could tell he was starting to fume. You knew how to push his buttons and knew that it’d rile him up even more that instead of looking at him when accusing him of such a thing, you were petting your horse’s mane.

“Nah, he wasn’t a bad guy, he was just fucking you for sport,” a sense of accomplishment rose in him when his comment resulted in you flashing a look of disbelief his way. “F’we run into any of ‘em, they’ll be lucky if I paint a wall with their brain.” His eyebrows furrowed and he adjusted himself in his saddle, “give ‘em a belly shot and let ‘em go all slow and painful,”

“There he is,” you smiled. “Mr. Sunshine,”

“Eyes open. We’re here,”

You pulled your rifle out of the scabbard attached to your saddle, a little more clumsy than usual with the thick gloves Maria had given you for the weekend. Winter had fully come down upon Jackson and you were thankful to be there rather than with your old group. How you ever survived the last handful of winters without a real, sturdy winter coat, you didn’t know. Regardless, with the butt of your rifle propped against your thigh, you inspected the right ninety degrees knowing that Joel was scouring the left ninety degrees. Together, both of you had a pretty wide range of sight to catch the upper hand of anything or anyone that might be lurking around.

Thankfully – gratefully – this had become routine. Joel hadn’t exactly sung your praises to Tommy after your first patrol together. According to Tommy, Joel had talked you up as much as someone like him could. She’s good, Tommy. Better than everyone. Not me ‘n you, but everyone else. Now nearly a month into your patrols with Joel, a lot had been talked about in the effort of opening up to each other. 

He tried to stay away from your more recent past with the other group and instead asked about your family. About how it went when the outbreak began and your family of four defended a large ranch property. The grin he hid when you told him you were the son your father never had. That you’d helped him patch holes in the barbed wire fence, or replace rotted wood beams. And when the bad weather came in, you spent most nights in the barn cupola – on high ground with a 360 degree view – with a blanket wrapped around your shoulders and your eye spotting through your rifle’s scope. In turn you asked about his life and kept it vague. You figured he’d tell you the parts he wanted to tell you. You also figured there was a lot of pain in his past. He’d opened up as much as he was willing to for someone still so new. He talked a lot about what it was like when he and Ellie first arrived in Jackson; and a little bit about the time he spent in the Boston QZ. But everything before Boston, and the in-between Boston and Jackson went undisclosed. You didn’t need him to verbalize it to know it wasn’t good. The scars on his hands and face told you that. And the way he handled his gun told you that it wasn’t everyday someone gave him a new scar.

And you’d started to see deeper shades of the care and concern Joel held for the ones he was fond of. Even if Ellie wouldn’t acknowledge him, he always made sure there was a meal ready in the house for her. Sometimes going as far as to leave the food outside the shed door for her. You only saw these things because ever since the incident at your house about a month ago when he’d realized you’d gone without a full meal for almost a week, he took to calling you around for dinner at least once a week. Of course it was never phrased as “will you have dinner with me,” as much as it was, “come by for dinner tonight. Don’t need you passin’ out on me on patrol.” He even encouraged you to see the doctor in Jackson. Jus’ to take a look. And beamed when the doctor gave you a clean bill of health. More than once since that night in the dining hall, he brushed away any guy that made himself a little too comfortable in your atmosphere. If they were flirting, getting too close, or just flat out laying any type of hand on you, Joel seemed to materialize out of nowhere to warn them to back off. Another woman might’ve found the whole thing off-putting. That Joel was out to lay claim to something that wasn’t his. But all you knew was that he was keeping men away that just seemed to like that there was new blood in town. A new face to ogle at. And with the pressure of what that could mean, if Joel Miller wanted to be your own personal guard dog, well… that was alright with you.

Normally you and Joel patrolled the areas that were high risk for a presence of infected. Mostly runners. A couple stalkers. Even less clickers. Though Joel warned that he and Tommy had come up against a couple bloaters before. You hadn’t ever come across one in all the years since the outbreak, but you’d heard more than enough horror stories to know you never wanted to come across one. And if you had to, hopefully Joel or Tommy would be by your side. 

Today you and Joel were going south. In a debrief of all the patrol teams, while you and Joel were northeast hunting runners, the southern teams were finding traces of human activity. Everyone knew what that meant, and once they figured it out, all eyes turned to you. Had you led them closer? Apparently two months wasn’t long enough to earn the trust of everyone in Jackson. They had long memories. 

Tommy all but interrogated you in his living room with Maria and Joel the night before. Asked for any intel and insight that might help. But what could you know? You’d spent the last month only outside the gates with Joel, and the month prior to that holed up in the greenhouse. You told them as much. And even so, you knew you were close when you and Joel rode through the old abandoned town, long forgotten. The remains of what used to be strip malls all bumped up to each other. The wind blew through the tall grass that had erupted from the pavement, sending a whistling through the air. Not ideal if you were hoping to hear someone sneaking up on you. But you could feel it. Electricity in the air. You should’ve paid a little more attention to it.

You and Joel dismounted your horses at the same time, fully cautious and aware of everything around you. No words were going to be spoken for a little while. It was a dance that was well on its way to being perfected. But a new location – one not generally covered on the usual patrol routes, meant there were more variables to deal with. And one neither of you was prepared for the way an old flag of some raider group hung from one of the stores’ doorframes. It whipped in the wind, sending a sharp crack reverberating through your ears each time it snapped against the pavement. Worse than that, it made it impossible to see through the doorway, and mixed with the sun shining a glare through the old dusty windows, there was no clear line of sight in. 

Like moths to a flame, you and Joel were drawn to it first. Guns poised, ready to act without hesitation. You weren’t sure if Joel felt it, but it was like every cell in your body knew this wasn’t going to go well. There wasn’t even time to see it coming. They had seen you but you weren’t given an even playing field. And your only regret was that Joel went in first.

You heard it before you saw it. A whoosh flying through the air followed by Joel letting out the most pained grunt you could imagine his body could summon. Then a thud on the floor. You figured the thud was Joel, but you, caught up in that old flag, trying to fling it around the barrel of your gun, left defenseless without your eyes. Just as soon as you untangled yourself and gathered enough visual information to understand what had happened, your gun was being ripped out of your hands and thrown to the other side of the shop.

And the first thing you thought was, you better fight, bitch.

Hands flailing, cursing yourself for that terrible nail biting habit. Some long fingernails would’ve done some good right now. Edward. Just as bad as James but with the benefit of youth on his side to be a real pain in the ass. He got you by your hair and gave it a yank that had you seeing streaks of white in pain. You stumbled backwards over a heap on the ground (Joel), who you just barely had the chance to get a look at – all in shock and sucking wind. You weren’t sure where he’d been hit but he was gasping for air.

You swung and kicked and did your best to fight despite Edward being significantly bigger than you. He was taunting you. Saying things like he knew he’d run into you again. Get his chance with you. And you wanted to scream for help, for anything, but the only person who would do anything for you was currently face down on the floor. You wondered where someone else was. Surely Edward wouldn’t have been out here alone. As soon as that other person showed up, you and Joel would be sufficiently fucked.

But the thing that pissed you off the most was the way he spoke about Joel. The way he mocked him – attacking his masculinity because surely Joel couldn’t give it to you the way he could. So you swung harder, each time hoping it would prove that Joel was more of a man because he didn’t give it to you the way Edward, and James, and George, had. Luckily one of those swings landed on his jaw and it was your chance to get away. To bolt for your gun. If you thought he’d been ferocious before, it was nothing compared to how he was after you’d punched him.

He ran after you and you were nothing for his big strides. Caught up to you in no time and tackled you to the ground. That was when you really started screaming. The absolute loudest and most feral you could muster. No. Stop. Joel. It all came from your lungs and none of it mattered. Edward straddled you and bore his weight down, pinning you in place, leaving you in the fruitless effort to beat against his chest. And though it didn’t account for much, you didn’t stop. You pressed your hands to the bottom of his chin and pushed his head backward but it was like a game of cat and mouse and the cat was getting even more riled up by the mouse putting up a fight. Edward reached for your pants and it was the straw that broke you. You knew these men. You knew their patterns. And you could use that against them.

Case and point – Edward may have had you at a complete disadvantage but you knew they generally always had a knife in their pocket. It was the reason you’d kept one in yours. And, not feeling the outline of it pressed to your thigh despite his body being flush to yours, you knew it had to be in one of his back pockets. The fact that you’d found it on the first side you checked was complete luck, but you’d take it.

Pulled that switchblade from his back pocket, flicked it open, and plunged it deep into his side. Over. And over. And over again. In a sound mind, it would’ve been enough the moment he slid off of you and to the ground. But you were not of sound mind right now. The furthest thing from it. So when his body was no longer on yours, you climbed up over his body and with both hands clutching the handle of the knife, continued to wreak havoc on him. Pure and unadulterated rage.

Had it not been for what came next, you were sure you would’ve spent all afternoon there, carving away at his body. Likely until his partner came around to see what he was up to. But you stopped yourself. Tossed the blade to the side. Because Joel had gotten himself up on his hands and knees and was crawling toward you, and that was all it took to get your brain to snap back to reality. 

You scrambled to him, hands cupped around his cheeks but didn’t touch just yet; trying to find where he was hurt. Eyes scanned, and couldn’t pinpoint any particular injuries except for some blood at his nostril. “Y’alright,”

Joel nodded, still taking deep breaths to try and fill his lungs fully. “Clocked me in the stomach,” he set a hand over his heart. “Knocked the wind outta me, then got me in the chest,” he was speaking, but his eyes were searching you. “Did he hurt you?”

“We gotta get outta here, he wasn’t out alone,” you got up and ran to pick up your rifle, making a quick line back to Joel. With your hand hooked around his elbow, you helped him back to his feet and led him hobbling out of the shop.

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Joel croaked and held the left side of his ribs the entire way back to Jackson, though when you both got through the gates and Tommy ran to intercept you, he somehow straightened himself up and acted as though nothing was wrong. Maybe that was something he’d picked up in childhood. Putting on a brave face in front of baby brother.

Tommy herded you into the barn, urging – no, forcing – Joel to lift his shirt. To check if anything was looking out of sorts. And in typical Joel fashion, he swatted his brother’s hands away, insisting he was fine. Tommy eventually won out. There was a part of you that figured Joel resisted because of you. How silly, right? For you to insert yourself in such a way as if that man even gave a real rat’s ass about you. But you really did figure he didn’t want you to see him ailing. At least not more than you already had. So you ducked away with your horses in tow, ready to be untacked. Passing by on the way to their stalls, you caught sight of Ellie. She, no doubt, had come along to visit Dina, but at the ruckus of Tommy yelling at Joel to lift his damn shirt, Ellie peeked out from the stall she was in to get a glimpse. Concern filled her eyes, and the urge to ask her why she was upset with him was near all-encompassing. But you also knew it wasn’t your place.

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You’re not sure how it happened. The ‘almost killing you to being inside you’ pipeline was way too quick. German Autobahn quick. No speed limit. Pedal to the metal. Whiplash. 

At least Joel put a condom on first. Actually, most of what Joel did was a first for you. Somewhere between walking him home and ordering him to ice his ribs, and him asking you to come inside for a beer, you had ended up here – in Joel’s bedroom with him hovering over you. His hands pressed to the mattress at either side of your head. He hadn’t asked if he could kiss you, though in the hesitation that had oozed from him, you’d been the one to kiss him first. Quick and haphazard; everywhere and simultaneously nowhere for too long. He had cupped your face in his hands and held you still, letting a more gentle kiss to take place. Not that much kissing of any sort had happened in your life previously. George, James, and the rest of those guys hadn’t ever bothered with such a formality. Bit of a blessing, you supposed.

But he did ask if you wanted to go up to his bedroom. That was a first.

And he asked if it was okay if he helped you out of your shirt. And then your bra. That was a first.

Then bare to him and the world, he asked if he could touch your chest. And kiss it. That was a first.

When his hands began to wander down your side, leaving goosebumps on your skin, he asked if he could take off your pants. And that was a first.

Despite all these firsts, and your consent for him to do these things, you figured that by the time your pants were off, he’d do much of the same as all the other men had done. Get in, get out. Chase their pleasure. And leave you in the aftermath to do… whatever. 

He tugged your denim jeans off your legs and tossed them to the floor, but instead of ripping off your underwear and pushing himself into you, he leaned back down over your body and kissed your lips. A bit rougher than he had previously, but you knew he was still fully conscious… calculating. It was as if you could hear the gears turning in his head. And a noise… it came from him no doubt but it was unlike any noise you’d ever heard a man make before. It was soft. And yearning.

When he gathered himself, the questions continued. Can I take off your underwear? Can I touch you? Make you feel good? A pounding in your head began. Nerves? Fear? You could only nod an affirmative, but Joel asked again, as if insisting to hear your voice and it wasn’t lost on either of you that it shook.

“M’not gonna hurt you,” Joel whispered and dropped his head lower until he was able to press his lips to the side of your neck. You’d never been kissed on the neck before. And perhaps even more frightening than what was to come, it scared you how much you liked the feeling of his lips pressed to you. “I wanna make you feel good,”

“Why?” You choked out. Now the pounding in your head was paired with a dryness in your throat. You could feel his lips stretch into a smile against your skin.

But then he lifted his head – removed the feeling you loved so much – and gave you one more quick kiss before his fingertips dipped lower. “Because it’s fun for me if you’re having fun,”

You swallowed and bit into your bottom lip when Joel’s fingers brushed over your slit. Eyes widened but you tried to mitigate it by quickly closing them. It seemed so strange to have so much experience with something so much more than this, and yet feel so inept with this. His fingers circled around your entrance, rimmed the hole for just a moment before he slid them up and found your clit. Your legs flinched together and you peeked past your eyelids to see if Joel had noticed.

The shit-eating grin on his face told you he had. “Bullseye,” he drew his eyes away from yours and rested more of his body weight on you. His muscular thighs kept your legs spread apart, but the only thing keeping him from laying himself on you fully was his arm snaked between your bodies. He raised his free hand and brought it up to the top of your head. His fingers at your clit only circled it a few more slow times before he slid them back down to your entrance. A wider smile appeared on his face and you only caught a moment of it because he pressed his lips back to your neck, just below your ear. “You this wet just for me?”

You didn’t know it yet but you were about to become well acquainted with Joel’s dirty talk.

“Make a man feel like a fuckin’ casanova gettin’ this wet over nothing,” he added pressure to your hole, not yet pressing his fingertip inside you. But you still turned your head to the side, knocking your cheek into his. And it drew him back, until he lifted himself and looked down into your eyes again.

“It’s not nothing. No one’s touched me nicely before,” heat rose in your cheeks and neck.

He nodded, “and you’re gonna let me touch you nicely right now?” He smirked when you nodded, but his eyebrows raised and he asked, “yes?”

“Yes,”

His fingers sunk into you at an agonizingly slow pace. And his eyes never left yours. They were ever searching for validation but there was no way he could know that your brain was already a million miles away from your body. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t even feel uncomfortable. If you had actually let yourself feel it, you imagined it’d feel pretty good. But brain and body were diverging for self-preservation. Of the only thing you’ve ever known. You looked down and saw the tendons and muscles in Joel’s forearm flexing, and when you glanced back up into his eyes, you wondered how this would end. Whether or not you bruised the ego of the assholes you’d previously found yourself with was of little concern to you. They hadn’t cared to make sure you were having a good time, so you never tried to fake it with them that you had. But Joel wasn’t like that. He was trying. And if the growing warmth in your belly was any indication, you thought he could get you to finish if you let him. If you let him.

“You’re so tight,” he mumbled, bowing his head. Long, graying curls bounced against his forehead and the nape of his neck. “Bet you’ll feel amazing wrapped ‘round my cock,”

A whimper floated past your lips and it was the first of that sound you’d ever made.

Joel seemed to catch it too. “Yeah? Y’like the idea of takin’ my cock here,” he curled his finger inside you, pressing up against your front wall. “Tell me you want it,”

“Joel,”

“Tell me,” he goaded, “I’ll give it to you. Fuck this tight, little body ‘til you’re screamin’ for me, but I wanna hear you say it,”

You furrowed your eyebrows, almost frustrated, “want you to fuck me, Joel. Please,”

He obliged rather quickly. Withdrew his finger from you and sucked it clean before he grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. It was the first time you ever cared to ogle a man. To really take in the sight of him. To commit him to memory as this was going to happen instead of doing all you could to wipe it from your mind. His broad shoulders, and defined pecs, and soft tummy, all tapering down to a thinner waist with creases at the sides, hinting at what was below. His shirt hit the floor with your clothes, and then he swiftly moved on to his pants. Taking them off completely proved to be too much of a hassle. He pushed them down with his underwear, just low enough to pull his member out. His size – length and girth – was daunting despite the amount you’d seen, and your eyes flicked back up to his, swallowing a sizable lump in your throat.

“Nervous?” He asked, reaching past you for the nightstand.

“No,” you protested, watching him yank the drawer open. When he pulled out a small packet and tore it open, you cocked your head to the side. “Condoms survived the apocalypse?”

Joel smiled and rolled it down his length, “lamb skin.” He placed his hands on the bed at either side of you, “ready?”

“What if you hurt your ribs more?

“My ribs are fine,”

You nodded, trying to be as reassuring as possible, but when he reached for his shaft, you sucked in a breath loud enough to grab his attention. “I might not… you know…”

“Okay,”

“I usually don’t. Just so you don’t take it personally,”

“Okay,” he pressed a grin and lifted his hand to your cheek, where with the gentlest of swipes, he wiped his index finger across your skin, “eyelash.” Joel blew it off his finger and then looked back down at you, “how about you tell me if something doesn’t feel good.”

Eyebrows furrowed again. Confusion. “You won’t get mad?”

“No, I–I want you to come, so if I’m not doin’ it for you, you gotta let me know. Alright?” He nodded after you and lined himself back up with your entrance again. “Alright,” he pressed forward gently. Slowly. Eyes glued to your face; absolutely nothing could’ve gotten him to look away from you. 

And what you found was new. Call it whatever you wanted but you spotted care in his eyes. Maybe not care in the way fairytales of your youth wanted you to believe, but care in the way that he was doing his best to be soft and gentle. George and James hadn’t had the intention of hurting you, but they didn’t care if they did. Joel didn’t have that intention either. But he was going to great lengths to ensure that he didn’t.

He had eased himself into you steadily until your waists met. The coarse hairs at the base of his member brushed against you. When he exhaled, it was the first you’d noticed that he’d been holding his breath just like you had been. “Attagirl,”

It felt like he was splitting you in half, and he very nearly was. Your legs were stretched wide to accommodate him but it still didn’t feel like enough. His thrusts didn’t start immediately. You hadn’t been expecting that. He was waiting; studying your face, and you figured you looked pretty shell-shocked because he remained paused for a good amount of time. Long enough for you to look up at him and with vision blurring, just the silhouette of him reminded you of any number of the guys you’d run into over the last six years.

Maybe if you shut your eyes, it’d make it a little better. You could focus on the inside of your eyelids and the colorful squiggles that appeared. So you did just that, but still noticed that Joel didn’t make any inclination of beginning relentless thrusts. There was only a slight movement. But not of his waist. Before you knew it, you felt his lips at your neck again. Open mouthed kisses to your delicate skin, his tongue lapping up to your earlobe. He hummed softly and you knew it was a less-than-verbal way of checking in with you. You couldn’t respond yet though, not with the image of George and his saggy ballsack in your mind. 

Joel hummed in your ear again and then took your wrist in his hand. Before you could even get the idea to fight back, he placed it over his shoulder, releasing his grip when your fingers hit his back. “Y’alright? Talk to me,”

You summoned your strongest voice, “I’m fine. Go on,”

He still stared at you and hesitated. His hips only shifted timidly, “what’re you thinking about?”

In a moment of pure honesty, you looked up into his eyes. And with an air of sadness, “them.”

Joel’s lips pressed into a thin line. Definitely not what he was expecting you to say, but couldn’t also say he was at all surprised. God knows the last time you’d done this for anything other than obligation or self-preservation… if you’d ever done it for any reason other than obligation or self-preservation. He wanted to be considerate to that. Maybe it was a little late now that he was already inside you. He settled more of his weight on top of you to free up both his hands, and with most of your bodies touching, he raised both hands above your head and cupped them over it. His thumb stroked back and forth over your hair with the utmost softness.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” you said firmly. “I want you to make me forget about them,”

He nodded and after looking at you for just a second more, he leaned in closer for a kiss. Maybe he couldn’t do much, but he could certainly do that. And with the utmost care, he pulled his hips back halfway before slowly thrusting back in. You winced, eyes closing, and pulled your bottom lip between your teeth. It was then you felt Joel’s lips back on your neck. A bite for emphasis. A lick and kiss for intimacy.

Then with a sigh, “was right. You feel fuckin’ incredible. Squeezin’ me so good and tight,”

“Joel,” you whimpered, stretching your legs further apart to accommodate the size of his body. Every sensation was a new one – even the feeling of a foreign material inside you instead of skin. 

You felt like you were on fire; heat spreading throughout you, starting from where you two were connected and radiating outward from there. Through your stomach, up to your chest, creeping up to your neck and all the way up to your cheeks. There was heat coming from Joel too. Just about everywhere you touched radiated heat; beads of sweat gathered at his hairline and followed down to his sideburns.

“How’s it feel takin’ me here,” a harder thrust than before speared you deeper, pressing up against you cervix. Though you tried to wriggle away, Joel leaned back on his knees and hooked his arms around your thighs, tugging you down on him further. He kept you close there with a hold on your hips and remained upright when he started thrusting into you with greater fervor. “Tell me,”

“Good,” you choked on your breath.

He laughed lowly and removed one of his hands from your hip so he could wipe the sweat away from his forehead. “I know you can do better than that,” he fucked into you and laid back down on top of you, caging you in his arms, lips back at your ear. His hips in an endless cycle of pressing into you. And when a moan floated past your lips, he couldn’t hold back a smile, “there she is. There’s a good girl,”

“So big, Joel…”

He nipped at your neck and trailed his tongue over the affected skin, “and you’re takin’ me so well. Doin’ so good,” his lips stretched into a grimace against your neck, “M’not gonna last long,”

“S’okay,”

You couldn’t have predicted his next move. It hadn’t happened before in any capacity, let alone in this way. With Joel pulling out in a fury and tracing down your body until he reached the apex of your thighs. His hands held your legs forcefully apart and his hips rut into the mattress beneath him. And in the long line of things that were new tonight, this was exceptionally so. His tongue expertly ran from where he had just previously been splitting you in two, and migrated up to your clit, where again your legs flinched. This time it didn’t get any more of a verbal response than a hum against you and the vibrations it sent up your spine made your throat go dry. 

He lapped at your clit. Tongue undulating against it in smooth procession and just when you thought you wouldn’t be able to make a noise due to your scratchy throat, you felt two of his fingers push inside you, curling up and scissoring open inside. It pulled the headiest moan from your lips. You didn’t dare look down to take a peek at him, but if you had, you would’ve seen the way he was thrusting into the mattress seemingly not of his own volition.

Your legs twitched together again, this time around his head and your hand flew down to cradle him, fingers tangling into his graying curls. It was fairly long now, giving you enough purchase as your body writhed beneath Joel’s ministrations. You could feel it building; slow at first and then all at once, just on the edge there. It hadn’t ever felt this way before. When you were younger, so were the boys, and not at all well-adapted to the skill. Even when you got yourself in the headspace to do it for yourself, it never felt like this. This was different. This was new. And so much so that you hadn’t known when the literal climax would be. When you’d hit that peak.

Whatever the case, it didn’t take long, that was for sure. One moment you were gasping for air to fill your lungs, and the next you were expelling the air you’d just sucked in with a shriek and labored groan. You all but pushed on Joel’s head to get him to stop and he did so immediately. You weren’t sure if that was because of what you were doing or if it was because his body was telling him to get the fuck up unless he wanted to soil the sheets.

So Joel scurried up to his knees and sat back on his heels. He peeled the condom off and wrapped one big strong hand around his shaft. The other went down to cup his balls. And his eyes stayed glued to you. More specifically your face… your eyes. Not aspects of your body like the others had. No. He stayed locked in to your face. And when you chewed on your bottom lip, his eyebrows furrowed and a growl rumbled through his chest. Just a few tugs more and he was shooting his load up over his stomach. Long, firm strokes finished him off, and when he was done, he released his member and looked down at himself while his chest heaved.

Yours was heaving, too. If your ribs hadn’t been a cage, your heart and lungs wouldn’t have remained in your body. You’d seen plenty of men come in your lifetime. Maybe more than you’d have cared to see. But watching Joel was an entirely different experience. Not only had you wanted that for him, but when he did come, there was a sense of pride…or satisfaction in knowing that you’d been the one to get him there.

In the moment you wanted him again. Wanted his lips back on yours. Wanted to feel him. And you were just about to reach out for him when he carefully eased himself off the bed. He must’ve caught some sort of expression on your face because he flashed you a reassuring albeit sheepish smile. “Lemme get cleaned up. Made a bit of a mess of myself,” he plucked his underwear up off the floor. “Y’want water?”

You nodded eagerly, and had partially wished you hadn’t seemed so impatient because Joel turned rather quickly and left the room. If your guard and walls had been lowered by having him there with you, the moment he was out of sight, you felt the walls starting to build again. You scrambled beneath the sheets to hide yourself as if Joel hadn’t just seen you completely naked, and had only just gotten settled again when he strode back into the room; underwear on, stomach cleaned, with a glass of water in one hand and a washcloth in the other.

He handed the glass to you before he knelt back on the bed and flipped the sheets away from you without a second thought. It wasn’t until the cold air hit your skin and your entire body shivered that he paused and remembered this wasn’t something casual for you. He lifted his hand away from the sheet.

“What’s that for?” You pointed at the washcloth he still held. After taking a sip of water, you reached over and set the glass on the side table. 

Joel glanced down at the wet cloth and then back up to you, “I was gonna…” he swallowed and cleared his throat, “was gonna help you get cleaned up.”

“Oh,”

“Can I?”

You thought for just a second before nodding, “sure.” But as soon as Joel made a move, you spoke up again, “Joel?” Heat rose in your cheeks when he looked up into your eyes again, “can I have another kiss?”

A red hue colored his cheeks, “‘course you can.” His lips were stretched into a smile when they made contact with yours. 

This time you were the first to part your lips, allowing your tongue to gain entry into his mouth. He accepted it immediately and shared his tongue with you, too. The kiss hadn’t even finished before you felt the washcloth between your legs. It still held some warmth to it and you pulled your head back to look up at him; your legs spread wider to give him full access. He kissed your temple when you leaned in and set your head on his shoulder. His hand paid rapt attention to your most sensitive areas as he wiped you clean, folded the cloth over on itself, and then wiped the wet fabric down your inner thighs.

You weren’t sure how many more new things you’d be exposed to tonight. Everything seemed to be different from what you’d known. Joel didn’t ask you to leave. Didn’t give any indication that he was hoping you’d split. In fact, he seemed to evoke the exact opposite. Was getting ready to lay down beside you in bed when you asked if he could get you your underwear and shirt. He did so without question. Without asking if you were going to leave him. Was going to let you make any decision you needed to make. And yet – you swore you saw him exhale a sigh of relief when after putting your shirt and underwear back on, you tucked your feet back in beneath the sheets and settled in beside him.

⌾ ⌾ ⌾ ⌾ ⌾

Joel jolted awake as he normally did at night. Per his habit, he glanced over at the clock on the nightstand and was not at all surprised when it read half past two in the morning. That was about right. Sometime between two and four was usually the time when the nightmares reached their peak and he’d rise in a panic, gasping for air, trying to get his bearings, and hoping he’d be able to fall back asleep. But instead of his panic diminishing once he realized he was safe in his home, it increased when he looked to his other side and found himself alone in bed.

You’d been there when he fell asleep. Of that he was positive. He’d taken an extra peek at you to make sure you were comfortable. Finding your breathing slowing and evening out, he rolled over onto his side and went to sleep, too. But now you were gone and he jumped out of bed, straining his ears for any hint that you might still be around.

Out in the hallway, he heard something downstairs and it gave him a half-moment of hope before he tamped it down within himself. It could be Ellie, he told himself, don’t get your hopes up. The noise got a little louder when he came down the stairs, and a sweet scent in the air led him in the direction of the kitchen. At this point he knew it wasn’t Ellie, but he still didn’t want to jump the gun and believe it was you. Not until a whispered shout greeted him as he was about to turn the corner.

“Shit!”

And then he was there, in the threshold and staring at you, fully dressed again – your index finger pulled into your mouth, sucking at a burn. On the counter in front of you, a pie. His focus returned to you instead of the pastry, and he started in your direction, a smile spreading over his lips.

“Did I wake you up?”

Joel shook his head once he sidled up next to you. And easily, his hand dropped to your lower back, fingers curling around your hip. He noted how you glanced down at his fingers before looking back up into his eyes. “What’re you doin?”

You looked down at the pie, guilt rising within you, “couldn’t sleep.” You took a breath, “I thought about leaving, but then I thought you might get upset.” Averting your gaze back to the pie when Joel’s eyebrows furrowed, “my mom was a stress baker. Seemed like after the outbreak, she was always whippin’ something up. I just– you had most of the ingredients.”

“What didn’t I have?” his hand squeezed at your hip and tugged you in closer to him.

“Cinnamon. And sugar,” you looked back up at him as he all but shook you by the hip, trying to get your attention. “Hopefully the apples were sweet,”

Joel pulled open a drawer and took a fork and knife out of it, “well,” he started when he then reached up into the cabinet for a plate, “I don’t remember the last time I saw cinnamon.” With everything he needed in front of him, he sliced into the pie and about as indelicately as you could imagine, scooped the slice out of the baking dish and onto the plate. “Sugar’s hard to come by so whatever we have is usually kept at the dining hall for the whole town,”

You watched him carefully as he lifted a forkful up to his mouth. A good mixture of the flaky crust and the soft apples. No way this pie was better than your shooting, but you hoped he liked it all the same. He didn’t have to say anything for you to see that he did. His features softened, almost drooped in the relaxed way of having eaten something that was evoking a memory.

He swallowed, “the apples are sweet. I like it,” he went and stabbed for another bite, but instead of lifting it back up to his mouth, he offered it your way.

It took you a moment, but while looking up into his eyes, you opened your mouth and ate the bite he presented you. It would’ve been better with sugar, you thought. But the look Joel was giving you was almost better than the sugar.

Joel slowly pulled the fork out of your mouth and set it back down on the plate. He reached for your hand and hooked his fingers around yours, using that leverage to pull you into his body. You stumbled forward and caught yourself against his chest.. He suppressed a smile and bowed forward until his lips were pressed to the top of your head. 

“Y’alright? Comfortable?”

You nodded gently and ran your hands down over his sides, fingers ghosting over his ribs, “s’it hurt?”

He shook his head but that wasn’t exactly the truth. “You don’t have to stay. And I don’t want you to think you do, but… I’d like to take you back upstairs, curl up with ya’, and go to sleep.” Joel pressed another kiss to the top of your head but then migrated down to your forehead and gave it a kiss. “Been awhile since I had a woman to cuddle up to,”

“Joel Miller cuddles?”

A smirk crossed over his face, “oh yeah. And I’m great at it,” he leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to your lips. 

You both inhaled into the kiss and Joel wrapped a hand around you again. This time, over your ass for a hearty handful. After a moment of just relishing in this moment, Joel patted your ass and with one more glance for reassurance, you passed by him and made for the stairs. If you could have only seen his face once you’d passed by. A deep sigh, a grin, and a thankful look skyward before he took off to follow you up the stairs and back into his bedroom.

[lhatake87]

MATURE CONTENT: ⚠️

Possible triggers: SA/Sex/Depression

Excerpt from Mysterious Kunoichi (Book 1 of 2) posted on Wattpad:

It hurt to breath. The wound below my right breast punctured a lung. I had a cut along left abdomen. My face was bloody, swollen and bruised. My entire body burned. My dignity and pride burned as well.

"Weren't we lucky to stumble upon such a find?" Hidan cackled.

"Shut up. I'd rather have her bounty than have her join us." Kakuzu pointed out.

"I'll kill myself before I join you idiots." My voice dripped with malice.

*smack*

I was rewarded with a backhand. I spit at Hidan's feet. Blood and saliva. My body was becoming heavier, like it was filled with rocks. Sinking fast in the pool of self pity.

The men continued talking until there was a knock at the door. Kakuzu opened it, allowing whoever was there to enter. With one eye swollen shut and the other obscured by my h/c hair, I wasn't sure who it was.

"Who is she?" Someone asked. A man. Orange hair.

Hidan approached me, as he lifted his hand to my chin, I bit him. I got the side of his palm, drawing blood. The taste of old copper filled my mouth. I spit it back at him.

"Bitch!" This time I was given a punch to the stomach, "And she still won't scream."

"She's from The Hidden Leaf?" The same man asked. My hitai-ate must have been found.

"Yes, Leader-sama." Kakuzu answered, "She is most commonly known as 'The Archer.' She has a pretty good bounty on her head."

"Y/n?"

Tachi.

"You know her Itachi?" The leader asked.

"Yes." Was the only answer Itachi gave.

Foot steps where heard and someone else entered.

"Tobi wants to see!" A childlike voice filled the room.

I glanced up to see a masked man standing amoungst the other men. Kisame, Itachi, Hidan, Kakuzu, their leader and now this man named Tobi. Tobi approached excitedly. He ducked slightly, trying to look at my face.

"Did Itachi-san say he knew her?" Tobi asked happily.

"Her name is y/n." Itachi answered again.

Tobi's demeanor seemed to change. He paused in his childish antics. There was a dark aura surrounding him all the sudden. Then it vanished as fast as it arrived.

"I can't wait to have a taste of that swee-" Hidan started.

"You'll do no such thing." Itachi warned.

"You're not getting her." Hidan snapped.

"She was like a sister to me. You won't touch her."

"Itachi, let's talk." Their leader said, "Everyone else. Out. No one touches her."

Everyone left the room in silence. There I was in a situation I didn't know how I was going to get out of. Rowan and Sage were in mating season, so I couldn't summon them earlier. I was caught off guard by two Akatsuki members and there was nothing I could do. One long range and one mid range fighter against one mid to close range fighter was difficult. I was easily subdued.

I was deep in thought, trying to figure out my chances. No one would be searching for me, I'm alone. If I had returned to the village, I wouldn't be here. This wouldn't have happened. Was it my pride that kept from going home? Was I scared? What was the real reason I wouldn't go back? I'm alone. If I go home, will I still be alone? Is that what I'm scared of?

I tensed when the door opened. The heavy foot falls made me wary. The dark, menacing laugh I heard alerted me to who was standing before me. Hidan.

"A little fun won't hurt anything."

Before I could answer, there was a cloth tied around my mouth. My teeth bit down around it. I tried to make some kind of noise to alert someone, but realized it was futile. Aside from Itachi, would anyone care?

I felt a cold metallic object press against my chest. The familiar sting and burn as it was dragged across my skin. Not deep enough to scar, but deep enough to bleed. He knelt before me, his head right at my mound. He was touching my ankles, attaching something to them. Leg spreader.

"There, now you can't trying and snap my neck that way." He commented,  "Wouldn't really matter though." He added.

"Mmmffhhgmmffff." I thrashed against my bindings, drool falling from my mouth around my gag.

"Don't worry, pet. You'll feel good soon."

As he removed his cloak, I was able to see his body for the first time. Under normal circumstances, I'd say he was attractive. Under these circumstances, he was a sadistic fuck and I needed a way out.

I had enough strength left for one move.

He knelt before me again and was looking down. Jashinist. I noted as he drew his religious symbol. I used my arms hanging for leverage and swung the leg spreader upwards, catching him under his chin.

I caught him by surprise, "You bitch!" He yelled.

His chin was dripping with blood. Before he could even move, the door swung open. I don't know if it was really appropriate, but I still sighed in relief. The orange mask of the childlike man caught my eye. The glow of a red eye was now my focus.

"Leader-sama will be angry at Hidan." Tobi warned.

"Get out, brat."

Hidan didn't seemed fazed by Tobi catching him. Instead, Hidan stood in front of me. His hands roamed my body. I refused to cry. I refused to scream. I wouldn't let him see me break. No one would break me. No one.

"Not going to react?" He smirked, picking up a kunai, "Then I'll punish you until you do."

The familiar sting of cutting flesh again, made me squeeze my eyes shut. The cut was shallow, but still there. From hip to knee. He moved behind me, cutting the back of my shirt open. He cut my bra open as well, causing it to hang loosely in front of me. I glanced up to see Tobi staring at me. One red orb unwavering. I held his gaze, even when Hidan pressed the kunai to my back. This cut was deeper, likely to scar, from left shoulder blade to right side of my lower back, I didn't flinch.

Hidan moved to stand before me again. He used the kunai to lift my chin to look at him. He leaned in, I was repulsed by this man. I refused to pull away though. He licked my cheek, tasting my blood and sweat. He straightened himself. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off.

I gasped around the gag as blood sprayed my face. Hidan's blood. Tobi had sliced his head from his body in one clean blow. I knew Hidan was practically immortal, and this wouldn't kill him, but I found myself relieved.

Tobi unhooked my hands, casually throwing me over his shoulder. Hidan was yelling and cussing, vowing revenge against Tobi. Tobi never answered. Instead, he carried me out the door, down the hall and into another room. A bathroom.

The man sat me gently on the counter top. He moved to fill the large tub with steaming hot water. He removed his red cloud cloak to reveal a skin tight shirt. I realized now that one hand was gloved, the other was not.

He moved to me silently. He held my hands in his as he unbound me. First my gag, then my arms.

"Thank you." I choked back the tears.

"You're not safe yet." His voice was different. A mans, not that of a child.

I didn't answer, I just sat there. My body trembled in shock and fear. Tobi held my hands gently, undoing the chakra cuffs.

"I could kill you in an instant, I suggest you not fight me."

"Yes." I whispered.

He slipped my tattered shirt and bra from my body. I flinched when he grazed a wound. He guided me to stand, letting me hold onto him for support. He knelt and removed my panties. I leaned against the counter as he turned the water off. He held me as he walked me to the tub. I hissed as I eased myself into the water with his help.

He washed my body tenderly. Washing the caked blood and sweat from my skin. His skilled hands massaged my scalp as he washed my hair. He leaned against the counter, allowing me a minute to simply breath.

"Why are you helping me?" I asked quietly.

He didn't answer me as he reached for a towel. He pulled the drain and helped me stand. He wrapped the towel around me, and then his cloak. He lifted me, carrying me as though I was his bride. He carried me to a room, I assumed was his. He placed me on the bed, gently.

"I'll return with clothes and bandages." With that, he left.

I stayed huddled in the towel and cloak. The warmth from the cloak was soothing. His scent seemed inviting. I had almost fallen asleep when the door opened. As promised, Tobi entered with clothes and bandages. I stood from the bed on shaky legs, letting the towel and cloak fall.

Tobi sat everything down on the bed and stood before me. My knees were weak and I reached for him. He held my elbows as he peered down at me. He helped me sit on the edge of the bed. He moved the clothes, searching for something. I didn't question where the panties came from, I simply let him help me into them. I stood as he knelt, my hands on his back for support. He pulled them up slowly.

"Lay down on your stomach so I can treat your wounds."

I did as told and crawled on to the bed face down. The bed shifted with his weight. I tried to remain still and make no sounds as he cleaned my back. Tears stung my eyes as I squeezed them shut tightly. His hands were skilled and gentle. I found myself almost melting at his touch.

"Roll over. Carefully."

As asked, or told, I suppose, I rolled over slowly. A whimper escaped me. A few tears managed to slip from my e/c eyes. I turned my head away from him, embarrassed by my weakness and exposure.

He began cleaning my chest first. The wound was just below my collarbones. If it scarred, I'd wear it proudly, in defiance. Just like every other scar I've earned in my 22 years.

Like I often do, deep in thought, I reached for my necklace. It was gone. Panic gripped my heart like a vice. I snapped my head towards Tobi, "My necklace."

"What?"

I sat up, grabbing his shoulders, the adrenaline pumping allowed me to ignore the stinging pain that shot through my body.

"Where's my necklace?"

He shook his head and removed my hands from his shoulders. He guided me back down onto the bed.

"I'll search for it later, I need to finish cleaning these wounds."

I gave a nod, trying to hold back the sobs that's threatened to leave my mouth.

"Here." He announced once finished.

He held a shirt out too me. It was a little large, likely his shirt. I sat up and took it from him.

"Thank you. Again." I mumbled.

I gingerly pulled the shirt on over my head and laid back down. I turned on my side, facing away from him. He covered me with the blanket before leaving without a word. The sweet embrace of sleep enveloped me.

Some time later, I awoke to the sound of the door opening and closing. My body was stiff, it felt like I was twig that could snap at any moment with the right amount of pressure. I sat up slowly, watching him curiously. Tobi dropped my belongings in the corner, including my tanto.

"Here." He tossed something at me.

The shiny metal shone as it flew through the air. It landed without a sound on the blanket in my lap. Tears brimmed and fell as I looked at the tiny trinket.

Kakashi.

Shisui.

A sudden realization hit as I though about those two. I thought of Kakashi first. I picked the necklace up and traced each charm slowly.

"You're engaged?"

I shook my head slowly, "No," I whispered, "He was killed. Before he could ask me."

"Who was he?"

"Shisui Uchiha. Close friend of Itachi."

"He's spoken of him before." He paused, "The other charm? It's a crest, yes? A lover perhaps?"

His voice sounded distant, like was lost in thought, "No. A dear friend. Reminding me to come home when I'm ready."

"How long have you been gone?"

"Almost 7 years now." It sounded horrible once I said it out loud.

"Do you miss him?"

I balanced the charm as I balanced the question, "I don't know."

"Yet you wear the charm?"

"I don't know what we are to each other."

"He wouldn't have given you the charm if you didn't matter to him."

"No use in me worrying about it now." I sat the necklace on the beside table.

I stood slowly from the bed and walked towards Tobi. He had taken his cloak back off and stood near the door still. I looked up at him, he was around the same height as Kakashi, similar build as well.

"How can I thank you?" I placed my hands on his chest.

I could feel his body tense, "You wish to repay me?"

"You saved me from that sadistic asshole. You've been nothing but kind to me. I'd like to repay you, yes."

I let my hands slide up slowly, tracing his pecks. As I reached the end of his mask, I found myself pinned to the door, his hand around my throat.

"You don't want this."

"Are you so sure? You can check for yourself." I spread my legs wider, hinting at what I wanted him to do.

I saw his eye scan my face for deceit. He took his ungloved hand and lifted my shirt. His fingers danced at the waist of my panties. He slid them downward, slowly, he ghosted over my clit, causing me to jerk. Wasting no more time, he slipped into my folds, to find, I was indeed, quite wet. I moaned at his touch.

"Is this what you want?" His voice was even deeper now.

"Yes." I moaned.

"Aaahhh!" A small screamed slipped from me as he pushed two fingers into me.

"You want me to fuck you?"

"Y-yes." I whimpered.

"Then cum for me."

What was I thinking? I couldn't even see this mans face. I had no idea who he was. What he looked like. I knew Tobi wasn't his real name. And yet, here I was, opening my legs wider. Propping one up with my foot flat against the door behind me, allowing him to thrust deeper and harder. This is the addiction winning. He may be in control, but really, I was. I had something he wanted. I'm the one that initiated this, I'm in control.

"T-Tobi." I stuttered as my walls clamped down on his fingers.

"That's it."

He pulled his hand from my panties and shoved his soaked fingers into my mouth. I nearly gagged as he forced them all the way back. It's not the first time I've tasted myself, men seem to enjoy this action. When he was happy with me, he removed his fingers from my mouth.

"Turn around."

I turned to face door as demanded. He lifted my shirt from me, tossing aside. My panties were pulled down, and I kicked them across the room. I heard him moving around, but remained still. I felt like was drunk or high. Or both. This adrenaline rush was amazing. A new addiction.

I felt a cloth cover my eyes, "Wh-"

"You can't see my face."

I didn't push any further. His tone expressed that I shouldn't. He turned me around to face him. He took my hands and placed them together. What felt like leather was tied around my wrists, nothing too tight, just enough to show dominance.

"On your knees."

I dropped to my knees immediately. The sound of clothing being removed and hitting the ground was all I heard. The sound of a heavy mask hit the floor. Soft, supple flesh brushed my lips.

I opened my mouth, inviting him in. He was large, girth and length, I couldn't take all of him in. He held fist fulls of h/c hair and controlled the pace.

"Kami." He groaned, "Yes."

I could feel his restraint, he was trying not to cum yet. Before I could attempt at teasing him, he pulled me off of him. He lifted me and tossed me on the bed causing me to wince. I was on my back. I squeaked as he grabbed my hips, pulling me towards him.

"So tight." He mumbled as he pushed into me.

"Tobi." His name was like a mantra.

"Say it again." He thrust fully into me.

"Tobi!" I exclaimed.

Both legs over his shoulders, my arms above my head, I writhed beneath him. He bent forward, hands bracing himself. Rough lips littered my skin with kisses. His tongue traced a small scar on my neck. He kissed my left forearm, where my self inflicted scars were. Finally, his lips were pressed to mine. I was addicted. Who is this man?

I moaned into the kiss, his tongue winning the joust. I began bucking against him, the friction causing my orgasm to hit. I threw my head back, breaking the kiss.

"Ah!" I couldn't suppress the scream.

Not even down from the first high, Tobi repositioned me. He lifted one leg over, putting me on my side. He was even deeper now.

"Ngh, fuck." I mumbled.

His grip on my legs was tight, bruising. He grabbed a fist full of hair for leverage. He continued ravage me.

"Yes!" I screamed, "Oh!"

With one final, harsh and toe curling thrust, Tobi met his release as well. He pulled out of me as I lay there panting. I heard him moving around but didn't care what he was doing. I felt shame wash over me.

Fool.

I simply lay there. Wallowing is self pity. Self sorrow. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to feel again. Wasn't that the point? I wondered.

"I told you that you didn't want it." He was sitting on the edge of the bed, I think.

"It's not that."

"Then what?"

"I wanted to see you. Touch you." I whispered.

"Hn. Maybe one day."

His hands untied my bindings and blindfold, "Get some sleep."

He headed towards the door, "Where are you going?"

"I'll be back soon." Was all he said.

The next morning I awoke alone in bed. Not alone in the room though, "Itachi?"

He sat at the desk in the room, "Get dressed."

He tossed my pack on the bed. No, not just my pack, all of my belongings. I stood, unashamed of my nudity now. Itachi didn't look away.

"Throwing yourself at another Uchiha?" Itachi hinted.

"Hardly." I slightly flinched at his question.

I knew what I saw in Tobi's eye. I wasn't an idiot, but Itachi just confirmed it. I dressed in silence. My hair placed in a high ponytail. I sheathed my tanto on my right calf. I grabbed my necklace from the bedside table and put it on. My quiver and bow in place, I was ready.

"Where are we going?" I asked as I reached Itachi next to the door.

"I'm taking you home."

I looked at Itachi in shock. A mistake. His Sharingan flashed and I was out.

I awoke on the path to Konoha. Home. I scanned the pathway, looking for a sign I wasn't alone. No one was around. I closed my eyes and flared my chakra, alone.

How did I just survive that?

Instead of going straight to the village gates, I made my way to the place Shisui showed me. The place he died. I stood atop the cliff where he jumped. I looked down in wonder. How? Why? Didn't he love me? I didn't cry. I didn't scream.

I slipped the necklace from around my neck. I took the ring off the chain. I tucked the chain and Hatake charm in my pocket for a moment. I slipped the ring on my finger and smiled. Shisui. With that, I took the ring off and dropped it into the raging waters below.

"Goodbye, Shisui. Until I see you again."

Defined: Jashinist suck. Masked men are sexy and mysterious. I am lucky to be alive. I have many issues I need to work through. That being said, it's time to go home.

Home.

[grantaire-lover-69]

THIS IS A VENT SO PLEASE SCROLL AWAY

Tws: Eating disorder, negligence, religion, SA

I'm scared to eat again, I keep gagging on my food and whenever I eat I get the urge to purge it out. I feel so disgusted in myself for eating all of this shit, I feel like I HAVE to stay skinny for my health but then my cousin comes along and she's just like "Oh you need to eat a burger!" SHUT UP. I JUST START GETTING SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT BRINGS ME TO THE POINT WHERE I START BINGING FOOD AND THEN I FEEL LIKE A DISGUSTING, FAT, BITCH THAT CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF. It doesn't help that my grandma and mom don't see a problem with any of this. My mom would just say "Oh your body is in the perfect range for our culture" or "You are so lucky that you lose weight so fast" it doesn't help that when I talk about my mental health issues she just says it's the devil trying to take control over me. My grandma is over here groping my ass and saying shit like "Oh I'm jealous of you, if only I could look like you when I was younger" DON'T TOUCH ME. I FEEL SO FUCKING DISGUSTING, I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE. I ALWAYS TRY TO LOSE THE EXTRA WEIGHT FROM MY BINGES IN A HEALTHY WAY BUT IT ALWAYS ENDS UP WITH ME HUNCHED OVER THE TOILET AND STICKING MY FINGERS DOWN MY THROAT UNTIL I THROW UP. IT DOESN'T HELP THAT MY MOM DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE. SHE'S TOO BUSY WITH CHURCH AND FUCKING THE PASTOR TO CARE. THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT SEEM TO CARE IS MY STEP MOM AND MY DAD. BUT EVEN I DON'T TRUST MY DAD. BECAUSE HE'S A SICK BASTARD THAT THINKS THAT WOMEN ARE THERE TO STICK HIS DICK INTO THEM. I WOULD KNOW BECAUSE I'VE SEEN HIM CHEAT ON MY MOM BEFORE AND BECAUSE HE'S TOUCHED ME BEFORE. I ACTUALLY FEEL SAFE AROUND MY STEP MOM AND I'M SCARED HE'S GOING TO HURT HER.

[dirtyoatmeall]

Badass (Bakugo x reader)

A/N: I have a like 4 WIPS and instead of finishing them I chugged this out. The ending is meh, I could make another part to this if you’d like! I hope you enjoy, please see warnings! Also this has spoilers for Bakugo’s hero name!!

Pairing: Pro hero!Bakugo x reader (gn pronouns I believe)

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: Mentions of attempted assault, swearing, fighting, blood mentions

~

You walked down the street minding your business. You had just gotten off of work, a grueling 9 hour shift, and you were more than ready to collapse in bed, order takeout and fall asleep watching TV. You were considering where to get food from when a heavy hand landed on your shoulder and tried to pull you into the alley. You had your headphones in, music playing loud enough to where you couldn’t hear around you. They pushed you against the wall roughly and you scowled at the man in front of you.

He reeked of alcohol and the disgusting smirk on his face made you shiver. His hand moved lower to your upper arm, tightening his grip. You could see his mouth moving but your headphones were still drowning out anything he was saying. His face was getting closer to yours, like he was going in for a kiss. You slammed your head forward, headbutting him, and he staggered backwards. You took this opportunity to stomp on his foot, and put your weight into your swing as you threw a right hook, glad you wore your chunky rings as you watched him fall. You took out your headphones, hearing his yells of pain as blood leaked from his nose. He called you various slurs and insults as you rolled your eyes and backed out of the alley, only to bump into someone.

You reeled around, about to throw another punch when the person gripped your wrist before it could make contact. You grimaced at the tight grip, taking a step back and tugging your wrist, trying to break free. “Woah there, how about you take a fucking breath?” Your eyes focused, taking in the person holding your grip.

It was obvious they were a pro hero, with the getup they had on. They looked familiar, probably high ranking, and they matched your scowl as you narrowed your eyes at them. They had spiky blonde hair, and red eyes that stood out against the black eyeliner and mask they adorned. You took a deep breath, and they released your wrist as they watched you exhale. “Wow, you really did a number on this guy.”

You turned toward the new voice, not realizing there was another pro hero. He was crouched next to your attacker, who was still holding his nose. “That- That bitch punched me, you need to arrest her!” You rolled your eyes at the man, “Oh yeah, because you definitely didn’t pull me into an alley and try to assault me. You just happened to push me against the wall and you just happened to try to kiss me was that it? You’re lucky I just broke your nose you fucking creep, you got skin and blood in my rings.” You say with disgust as you looked them over, it was gonna be a bitch to clean them out. The man called you another slur, and tried to stand up, only to fall on his ass again.

You laughed and went to step forward towards him when the pro-hero behind you laid a hand on your shoulder. “Alright, alright. Chargebolt, stay here with the piece of shit until the police come, I’ll walk her home.” The yellow-haired hero deflated slightly, pouting, but nodded nonetheless. You shook his hand off of your shoulder, “I don’t need you to walk me home, I can obviously take care of myself.” He rolled his eyes, following you as you started back towards your apartment. “Just accept the fucking offer princess, who doesn’t want the number 2 hero walking them home?” You looked over your shoulder at the hero, raising an eyebrow at the smirk on his face.

“You say it like it means something. I could care less if you’re the number 2 or number whatever, I still don’t need you walking me home. I have no idea who you are, so it’s basically having some random dude follow me.” You pull out your phone and look at the hero rankings. “Dynamight huh? Number 2 ranking and your patrolling here?” He scoffs and matches your pace, walking besides you as he grumbles. “I’m actually here because I’m partnering with another agency over some disappearances that have been occurring around here. So I will be walking you home, since who knows what kind of quirks these assholes have, rings won't do anything against that.” You rolled your eyes but kept quiet. He was right, there have been girls disappearing more often recently.

As the two of you walked you made small talk, you talked about your job, he talked about life as a top 3 hero, and your mutual interests. You soon arrived at your apartment building and you stopped in front of the door. “Well this is me, thanks for walking with me I guess. Maybe I’ll see you around.” He nods, fishing a card out of a pocket and handing it to you. You looked it over, it was simple, his name, a phone number and an address under it. On the back was another number scrawled in chicken scratch. You looked back up to the hero, eyebrows raised. “In case you get into any more trouble. The number and address are for my agency and the one on the back is my personal number.” He rolled his eyes when you smirked at the last part of his sentence, “It’s not for what you think fuckface, it’s for emergencies.”

“Sure, whatever you say.” You drawl out as you watch a very faint blush settle over the hero’s cheeks. You said your goodbyes and you made your way into your apartment, cleaning your rings and heading to bed. Hoping you’d see the hero again.

You saw the pro hero 3 weeks later, on TV, standing next to a police officer as they discussed the case they just solved. They rescued 14 people from an abandoned factory, they had all disappeared within the last month. It didn’t say what or why they were taken but you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You switched off the TV and got ready to leave for work.

You walked home in silence, ready for a drink. You didn’t work a long shift, but it was still tiring. You walked past an alley, and you gripped your keys when you heard footsteps begin behind you. You started walking slightly faster, cursing under your breath when they speed up as well. You discreetly shifted your purse in front of you and dug through it, grabbing what you needed before speeding up again and rounding a corner.

You quickly turned around just in time, spraying the mace in the eyes of the person following you. They cursed loudly, clawing at their eyes. You stepped backwards and whirled around to run, when you stumbled into another body. You looked up and saw another unfamiliar man, who did not look pleased. He harshly grabbed your arm and you cursed, sticking your other hand in your purse (After the last incident you acquired several items just in case).

You quickly pulled it out and hit him on the temple, the brass knuckles meeting his skull with a loud crack. He cried out and stumbled back and you quickly turned around, punching the other man who was still reeling  from the mace, knocking him out. You quickly ran from the alley, huffing as you refused to slow down.  You could hear the other guy running behind you, cursing into what you assumed was a phone. The thought there could be more worried you, and you fished out your phone, tapping on the contact and holding it up to your ear. It rang twice when a gruff voice answered, “What do you want?” You laughed a bit, you obviously had the right person. “Number 2! You said this number was for emergencies, and I’m kind of in an emergency right now.” You huffed, out of breath as you continued down the street. It was a desolate part of town, the only people on the street were you and your pursuer.

You explained the situation to the hero and he cursed, “Ok, explain the area you're at to me.” You gave him the street names you just passed, “ Great, like 2 streets over is a hero agency, turn left at the next street then right and it’ll be right there. They’ll be open, so just run inside. I’ll be there soon.” You agreed and hung up, clutching your phone as you followed his directions, glad you didn’t wear heels today.

You skidded around the corner, the hero agency in sights. There were 2 heroes outside and you yelled out to get their attention, waving your hand and you ran towards them. They looked over, surprised, steadying you as you bent over, out of breath. You quickly turned on your feet, pointing in the direction you ran from. You explained the situation and gave descriptions of the two men, still panting. They ran off in that direction and you walked inside the agency, plopping down in a chair near the entrance.

A few minutes later the door burst open, Dynamight rushing over when he spotted you. He wasn’t in uniform, he must have been off duty. Guilt swirled in your gut as he approached. “M’sorry, were you off?” His eyebrows furrowed at your apology. “Why are you apologizing? Who cares if I wasn’t on duty, I gave you my number for emergencies, I expect you to fucking use it. Now, are you okay?” You smile softly at his words, nodding. He exhaled, crouching down to your height.

“Good. Now c’mon, give your statement to the police and I’ll take you home.” You nodded again, standing and heading to the police officer that was near the door, talking to the two heroes you had sent after the man chasing you. You explained the situation for the third time that night, giving street names and detailed descriptions of your attackers. Once the police had everything they needed, you followed the blond hero outside, to what you assumed was his car. “Thanks for coming, and for taking me home. I know you said not to be sorry, but I do feel bad for making you come take me home on your day off.” He rolled his eyes yet again, looking at you with a deadpan expression before looking back at the road.

“I could care less if I had to come pick you up, I wasn’t doing anything, if I was I would’ve had someone else come pick you up. Don’t get all sad or whatever, it wasn’t a big deal. And call me Bakugo, you don’t have to call me by my hero name all the time, it’s weird.” You smiled, knowing you hadn’t called him by his hero name since your initial meeting. You agreed anyway, smiling the rest of the way.

Though your smile quickly left your face when you passed your apartment building. “Um Bakugo, you passed my building.” You started to quietly panic, had you just made a huge mistake? “I know, I’m not taking you to your apartment. Don’t go freaking out, we’re going to my place. I don’t like that the guy was on the phone. It seemed like they were waiting for you, they might know where you live. Do you live with anyone, have any pets?” You shook your head, calming down once you heard his explanation. He nodded, pulling onto the highway. “Good. You can stay the night tonight and tomorrow we can look at your place, I’ll look for any bugs or anything that might be there, and you’ll look to see if anything seems off.” You agree to the plan, watching out the window as he drove to the nicer part of town.

After a while he pulls into the garage of a high rise, you hadn’t really put together that the number two hero was probably pretty well off. You followed him into the elevator, going to one of the top floors. You walk with him down the hallway, and he punches in a code on the door and you follow him into the apartment. It was incredibly spacious, but scarcely decorated, though he had an assortment of cooking supplies, implying he was a decent cook. You placed your purse on the hook and took off your shoes, standing awkwardly near the door, not sure where to go.

He disappeared down a hallway, only to peek around the corner. “Well, are you coming?” You follow him into a room. “You can sleep here, it’s the guest room. I’ll get you some clothes to change into.” With that he left the room, going further down the hallway before reappearing with clothes. He nods out the door. “The next door down is a bathroom, you can shower if you want, if you’re hungry I can make you something, otherwise you’re free to do whatever. I need to finish some paperwork so I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.”

You nod, and quickly shower, rinsing off the night’s events, the hot water making you realize just how tired you were. You dress, noticing how baggy the shirt and sweatpants he gave you were. You headed back into the bedroom, looking around before climbing into the bed. It was extremely comfy, and it only took a few moments before you were drifting off to sleep.

You woke to the smell of cooking and a soft light coming through the curtains. You sat up and stretched, you hadn’t slept this soundly or this long, in a while. You pad down the hallway, pulling up the sweatpants occasionally. You greeted Bakugo with a quiet good morning, slipping into one of the chairs in front of the island. He looked up, a slight flush overtaking his features as he took your appearance in, grumbling his own greeting before getting back to cooking. You watched him contentedly, chin resting on your palm.

He set a plate of food down in front of you, and you dig in happily as Bakugo sat next to you, eyeing you as you ate. You thanked him for the meal and once both of you were done eating, you did the dishes while Bakugo showered. After he was done it was your turn, he had found an old pair of leggings a friend had left over a while ago, and gave you another old shirt of his for you to wear. Thankfully the leggings fit well and after you were ready the two of you headed back to his car to look at your apartment.

You arrived at your apartment and the two of you looked it over. Nothing seemed out of place, and Bakugo didn’t find any bugs or anything suspicious that made it seem that people were watching you. You kept the curtains drawn the whole time, paranoid someone could see through your window. After thoroughly searching, you and Bakugo sat on your couch. You turned to the blonde, grinning. “So, lunch? I’ll buy.” He smirked, scooching closer. “I came to your aid twice, and all I get is lunch?” You pretended to think for a moment, sliding to where your thigh touched his, leaning to whisper in his ear. “Well, since you did so graciously help me out, maybe something could be arranged.” He chuckled and leaned closer, ready to collect.

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 88

~*~Sebastian~*~

After the video call with my friends, I went back to the couch with a fresh glass of wine. I am blessed. Family, friends, co-workers, and a woman who loves me. None of us are perfect. I have people to call when times are tough. Today they called me, knowing I’d be struggling, only this time it was in a good way. Not long later Jessica called and invited me to dinner.

Pizza, beer, friends, and a toddler made for a good night. Giulietta thought I was much more fun than mom or dad. I guess they don’t let her use them like a jungle gym. When mom spoiled our fun and said it was time to settle down, I stopped the tears by promising to read her a story. Her choice. Like someone else I know Giulietta was asleep before I was halfway through. At this rate I'll never know how anything ends.

I sent the picture Jessica had taken to Emma. She'd wake up to it and with any luck send me back something fun. Which she did as soon as she woke up. Which was afternoon for me. Dinner break before I checked my phone. Emma struck the perfect balance between sweet and sexy. Her hair was messy with just her eyes peeking over a pillow she was hugging. Those beautiful green eyes I loved to look into. I couldn't see her smile so I could imagine it anyway I liked. The sweet one she often got right before she told me she loved me. Or the other one she got when she wanted me. I loved them both.

Our texts were broken up over the course of the day. Short bursts or long hours between. We talked most days at least for a few minutes. We talked about our days, shared memories, and talked about us. Maybe had phone sex. What didn't happen was whining about being apart or bitching about the time and distance. I didn't hang up feeling angry or guilty. I did my job, hung out with friends, relaxed during my downtime, and did a little shopping. Emma relaxed, did some studying, and practiced guitar. I missed her. She missed me. But we went on with our lives apart, making the best of the situation. It sucked, except it didn't.

I think this is the way it's supposed to be.

Thursday we wrapped for Paris. That was worth a party. Over the next four days production would pack up and move to Rome. I'd spend a day and a half on planes going from Paris to Dallas to San Diego. Then back to Dallas and on to Rome. The time zones were going to fucking kill me.

I called Emma when I got back to my room. I was drunk and grumpy. Hearing her voice helped. Seeing her face was even better. The way she told me exactly what she wanted to do to me and said all sorts of dirty things until I came... I wasn't grumpy anymore.

I had a headache when my alarm rang. I needed more sleep. Hopefully, I'd catch up on the flight. I was still debating going back to sleep and blowing off the weekend when my phone rang. Emma. It was the middle of the night for her. "Why are you awake?"

She laughed, "Making sure your drunk ass doesn't turn off his alarm and blow off the weekend."

I rolled to my side, mirroring her. "I wouldn't do that. I was thinking about it, but I wouldn’t do it."

"Such a professional. How are you feeling?"

"I've been better. Advil, breakfast, and a long nap on the plane and I'll be fine. How are you?"

"Good. Big plans laying by the pool with Mallory today."

"Sounds fun. I will be on a plane."

"Yes, but you will walk out of the airport into sunny California. Then spend two days being adored and laughing with your friends."

"That will be fun." I was honestly looking forward to that part.

Emma yawned. I smiled at her beautiful face, "You need to go back to sleep. I need to get showered."

She didn't argue with me. She was tired.

"Thank you for making sure I was up. I love you."

"I love you." There was my sweet smile.

I cannot begin to explain how very disorientating it is to board a plane at nine am, travel for fifteen hours, to arrive at three pm, which is only six hours after you left. I get to relive eight of the hours I spent on the plane. Only thing is, my body thinks it’s midnight. I slept some on the flight and I knew better than to go back to sleep. The closer to "normal" bedtime for this time zone I could get, the better I would feel tomorrow. Anthony and I had press then an autograph session, before the big Marvel event. Sunday was photo ops and an autograph session. Both long days where I was expected to be pleasant despite how inappropriate or rude fans got. Needless to say, a decent night’s sleep would be best for everyone.

I got to my room by four and quickly realized I couldn't stay there. I needed fresh air. I needed to breathe. I changed into shorts and took off to have a look around. There were several hotels in the area that hosted celebrity guests. We weren't all in one place. I'd requested a beach. It was a little farther from the convention center and I was confident I could wander unseen. Most people stayed right around the center since a lot of packages kept prices lower and being so close to the action was appealing. I wanted the ocean.

Down the beach I could see big boulders and took off that direction. I needed some flip-flops. The sand made me think of Emma. The water. The people surfing. The impending sunset. Breathing. I'd like to say the plan I was cooking up was a product of sleep deprivation. It wasn't. It had been bouncing around in my head since this morning as we lay in bed together thousands of miles apart. I'd dismissed it as selfish. On the plane, when sleep was impossible, and I was panicking, it didn't seem so selfish. I shoved the idea away because I knew it really was. The same reasons I didn't ask Emma to stay in Paris or go to Rome were valid here. Asking her to fly literally to the other side of the country to spend two days with me, asking her to amuse herself while I worked a chunk of that time, was peak me as a selfish asshole. The longer I sat on the rock watching the ocean the less of a bad idea it seemed. Maybe not less of a bad idea, but an idea I could give her a choice in, with the difference being if she said no, I wouldn't be angry or make her pay for not doing what I wanted. Growth in action. Hopefully.

I should check flights before I even think about calling. Or actually call, because I'm already thinking about calling. Might not be possible.

It was. I flipped my phone in my hands several times before hitting the buttons to call her. Apparently, I hadn't grown completely out of being an ass.

"I'm about to be an asshole."

Emma raised her eyebrows, "Uh oh."

"Yeah." I was going to do it anyway. "Fifteen-hour flight with little sleep because the turbulence over the ocean was a nightmare. I'm grumpy, exhausted, and lonely as fuck. I'm on the beach without you. I miss you. I can get you on a flight in the morning and if you come straight to the venue you'll be here before I have to do anything. It’ll be two days. I have to leave for Rome Monday. I know it's a shitty thing to ask, but will you come see me? So I can see you."

"I'd love to."

I was prepared to step up my game and her easy acquiescence caught me off guard. "You will?"

She nodded with a smile, "I miss you too."

I took a deep breath and let it out, "I was prepared to beg."

Her smile was almost a laugh, "While you begging sounds fun, it's not necessary. Do I need to pack anything dressy?"

"Fuck, I hope not. I have a pair of jeans, shorts, and sweatpants." It's amazing how much better I felt. I ran my hands through my hair. "You're flying out of JFK. Sorry."

"You booked the flight already?"

"Not many seats left. I wasn't risking it. You leave at seven, here at ten. My first thing is noon." I could see her grabbing her carry-on from the closet.

"I'm going to spend the night at your place. Do you want me to bring you anything?"

I scrunched up my face, "Underwear."

"You don't have underwear?"

"The one's I'm in and a spare."

"You may not like what I pick out."

"Emma, baby, I will wear yours as long as you deliver them."

"I think that's a little drastic."

"It's really not."

Emma laughed and touched her screen. I could almost feel her. I could definitely imagine feeling her. She almost gasped and broke into a smile, "I have an idea. I need to call Jill real quick. Give me five maybe ten minutes."

I nodded, "Okay. I'm going to lay here on my rock."

My rock was not soft, but I was very comfortable. I was very happy. The sky was blue and the sound of the waves was calming. I only had to wait until tomorrow to see Emma. It was going to be a good day.

A little more than five minutes later Emma was calling me back. "You've made my little sister very happy."

"Excellent!” I smiled, "How'd I do that?"

"We need to change my flight. Monday I'm going to Seattle pick up Olivia and take her back to New York with me. Then we'll meet up with the family in Chicago."

"That's perfect. You're not just coming out here for me."

She picked up on it. "Yeah, because seeing you isn't enough of a reason. You know I miss you, right?"

"I know, but I'm..."

Emma cut me off, "Stop there. I jump on planes to spend weekends on tour with dad. This is fun for me. Dad's doing sound checks, interviews, and charity shit while I amuse myself. You're not an asshole. I love this."

"You love this?" I did not love jumping on planes at short notice.

She was nodding as I spoke, "I love this."

"And you'd tell me to fuck off if you didn't?"

"Maybe, but this is your lucky day."

"No, my luck day was exactly eight weeks ago."

We talked for another ten minutes or so until she was loaded and heading into the city. We've talked while she's driving many times, but I wanted her to pay attention. The sun was going down where she was and it would be dark before she got to my place. I headed back toward the hotel and ordered room service. By the time Emma texted she was at mine and I was deep in a documentary, struggling to stay awake.

Emma ~ Safe and sound in your bed.

Naturally, she sent a picture. Sheet barely covering her breasts and one arm stretched out above her head.

I sent back a picture of me in the same pose, but making sure to show the empty side of the bed. I drew a red ✗ there.

Sebastian ~ Where you will be in my bed tomorrow.

Emma ~ Equally safe and sound Sebastian ~ More. Emma ~ I'm going to sleep. I will see you in the morning. Sebastian- Can not fucking wait

 I was probably asleep before she was. By the time I woke up twelve hours later Emma was halfway here. I felt well-rested and excited for my day. Not just the Emma piece. Mackie and I always had fun together. I'd been sent the day’s itinerary. Noon was press, two thirty was an autograph session, and five was the big deal Marvel panel. We should be done by 6:30. Disney was having a party tonight. I had to make an appearance. It started at eight. That wasn't going to happen. Nine was more likely. I remembered it wouldn't matter because mice can't tell time.

At the venue I was led to a behind the scenes area. There was a large room, guarded by security, set with food and drink. Several smaller rooms encircled the larger area and some were labeled with company names. One of the largest was for Disney, with cloth wall dividers making several smaller rooms, where a stylist would be waiting to make sure Mackie and I looked presentable. Outside of the room was a loading area that was separated from the autograph booths by black curtains. I'd already ducked between them and gave fans nosing around my booth quite a surprise. Those were my favorite interactions. The ones without expectations. Security came over to make sure I hadn't been ambushed. I hadn't, but that was a perfect way to get away and I needed to talk to security anyway. I had them take me to the security office. Some lucky fans got a shot at a sighting of a Sebastian in the wild. I explained what was happening to the head of security and put Emma’s name on a list. They gave me a lanyard with her all-access pass and told me what door to direct her to. Security would meet her and bring her to me.

"About that." Call me paranoid, but I didn't trust they'd remember to have someone waiting for her. They'd call someone when she showed up and gave her name to the person with the list. "I need a Pearl Jam fan."

"Excuse me?"

"Someone on your staff is a Pearl Jam fan. Get them.”

He got on his radio, "Anyone out there a Pearl Jam fan?"

A voice came back, "Big Ed. He works all the shows up the coast."

I looked at my watch then back at the supervisor, "I need to borrow him for an hour."

His face read doubtful, but I was Disney. "Big Ed. I need you in the security office. Anyone see him? Send him."

A different voice, "On my way, boss."

Several minutes later Big Ed came through the door. I knew it was him because he was six-five and an easy two-fifty. He was his name. I held out my hand, "Hey, Big Ed. I'm Sebastian. Nice to meet you."

“You too."

"Walk me back to the guest area." We headed out and I waited until we were away from the office. "Do you know Ed's daughter?"

He smiled, "He has three. Which one?"

"The only one old enough for me to ask about."

"Emma. I've seen her at a couple of shows. I work security up the coast. Great way to see a bunch of shows."

I nodded, "I guess anything you miss at one you can catch at the next."

"Exactly." He pointed to his ear, "And you can always hear."

"Back to Emma. She's on her way here. I'd appreciate it if you would meet her and bring her to me."

"Is Ed coming?"

"No, he's," I stopped myself, "you ask her where he is."

He laughed, "I might take the long way back here."

"I haven't seen her in weeks. Not too long." Two is weeks. Barely.

Emma texted they'd landed. Big Ed changed where he wanted her to go and he headed in that direction. I sat down to wait for her to text she was here. I heard a familiar voice.

"Sebastian Stan? Is that really you?"

"Captain America?" I stood up and turned to the voice.

"Don't call me that. The pressure." Mackie hugged me, slapping my back much harder than necessary. "How jet-lagged are you?"

"Is that code for how much work are you going to have to do because I'm grouchy?"

"Maybe." We laughed.

"I had a good night’s sleep and I'm in a great mood."

"You seem twitchy. Why are you twitchy?"

"I'm not twitchy."

"Yes, you are. You're twitchy."

"If I'm twitchy it's because you're making me twitchy."

He pointed at me, "Ah ha! You admitted it. You're twitchy."

I rolled my eyes and scowled, "Emma's on her way. I might be a little twitchy."

"Here?" He pointed to the ground. With his eyebrows raised.

I smiled, "My girlfriend."

"Yeah, I got that. Plus, Evans told me."

"She’s not a secret." That felt good.

He asked and I answered. Talking about Emma is my second favorite thing having to do with Emma. First is being with Emma. In absolutely any way. My phone went off with Emma telling me she was here. I put my hand on Mackie’s arm. "Stay here. Right here."

[moonvinyls]

Rules: Answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people who you want to get to know better.

Tagged by: @39-volunteers-to-space and @angrylizardjacket

Nickname: Sel (alternatively Dumb Ass Bitch)

Zodiac: Scorpio

Height: 5' 3"

Last movie I saw: Rainbow's Sunset (2018), a local movie in my country that honest to god made me cry like a baby. ((psst sa mga filo frens ko dito panoorin niyo na i swear its gud))

Last thing I googled: i have no mouth and i must scream harlan ellison

Favorite musician: Marina aka Marina and the Diamonds, the neon alt-pop goddess herself

Song stuck in my head: Babydoll by Dominic Fike

Other blogs: my main

Do I get asks: mostly ships i still haven't answered I'M SORRY I PROMISE I'LL ANSWER THEM AT A LATER TIME i only ever get questions like every other century

Blogs following: 99.9% queen/beatles blogs, 0.1% everything else (mostly aesthetic and writing prompt/inspo blogs)

Amount of sleep: ranges between 3 to 12 hours depending on whether or not it's a school day and/or if i'm so beaten down by my academics i decide to kill my motivation and soul further by browsing dank memes and hunting for ben hardy pictures until the ungodly hours of the night

Lucky number: i have no idea

Dream job: historian/journalist/musical or film actress (just anything linked with literature & fine arts)

Dream trip: paris, madrid, and/or an extensive tour of old manila & intramuros

Favourite food: Fried chicken & chocolate crinkles

Play any instruments: very very very very very basic piano

Languages: English and Filipino

Favorite songs: I Want To Break Free by Queen, If I Fell by The Beatles, OZONE (Itulak Ang Pinto) by UNIQUE, Losing You by boy pablo, Lover Boy by Phum Viphurit, Let My Baby Stay (Cover) by Véronica Hidalgo

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: Oversized tops and mom jeans, rainy nights in a café with muffled jazz in the background, vinyls stacked atop one another, neon-lit diners & listening to sad love songs at midnight

Tagging: @siriuslymooned @sam-writes @beerbottlesandchainsaws @bburellina @im-happy-at-home @prettyboyroger @dancindeaky @johnkalangsatabi @hotspacedeacon

[sinfulbrothers]

Sinful Thoughts [ Wincest! ]

'Sammy I love you, I love you more than a fucking brother. Why can't you get that through that thick skull of yours? Oh yeah you're just as stubborn as me, why would I even fall in love with you? I raised you from six months old because dad was way too obsessed to find the son of a bitch that killed mom. It was my responsibility to make sure you had clothes on your back and were still breathing.' Dean made a mental note, never to let anyone read his thoughts.  He wished his little brother would listen to him, hear what he meant behind his words. Yeah like that was ever going to happen, the only time Sam ever listened like that was if Dean was injured. Dean rubbed the bridge of his nose climbing out of the bed, being careful to not wake up his baby brother who was fast asleep beside him. He wandered around the cell, pressing his face against the iron door. It smelled musty, like blood and sweat. 'I guess it always smells like that, it is a horror house.'  Their was shuffling behind the door and it flew open, revealing one of the many guards from before. He seemed about 6 foot something, buff, very very buff. The male grabbed Dean's arm yanking him out of the room before the male could call for help. "Sammy..." Dean breathed out looking back at his brother who was fast asleep on the bed, he saw a shorter male walk into Sam's cell carrying a syringe filled with dark liquid. "No...No..SA--" He screamed, but was cut short when a rag was tied around his mouth gagging him.

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The eldest Winchester woke up chained down to a chair, his head being forced back staring up at the ceiling of the crummy room. The distinct smell of death and depression floating throughout the air. Oh how he wished he was able to break through these chains. He would give them a run for their money. Derek, now he would run Derek through without a second thought. His eyes flickered open, meeting the gaze of the crazy doctor. A soft cry left his lips his body adjusting to a new kind of pain, what was this? He tried to move his head to see what was happening. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," The doctor's raspy voice rang out, Dean felt a wrinkly hand on his arm then a sharp pain. He jerked away--or at least tried to.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" He snapped lifting his head maybe a couple inches, the doctor merely laughed pushing another thin needle into Dean's vein. In the thin tubing there was a dark liquid. Of course it was demon blood but it had a touch of something else too. The doctor wanted to see how it would react to someone who has never been in contact with it.

"If you're lucky--" The old man sudden fell silent, a loud thump echoed the room. Then silence, a creepy dead silence. Dean suddenly felt as if he was going to throw up his guts, his whole body began shaking breaking out in a heavy sweat. He shook fighting against the bounds--the chains jingled a little but didn't break. Footsteps echoed towards Dean, something like out of a horror movie script since nothing had been said quite yet. It wasn't until Castiel was standing over top of him, blue eyes squinted. His trench coat stained with mud and blood, the angel had an angel blade in one hand wiping it on his clothes to clean the blood off.

"Hello Dean," Cas's deep voice rang out, reaching down undoing the chains helping Dean sit up. "He's injected you with demon blood, since you are human and never been in contact with it...it could kill you. Slowly and painfully."

Dean stared at the angel, "Thanks. That's reassuring. You pop up out of nowhere to tell me I am going to die slowly and painfully. Thanks Cas." He sighed rubbing his face climbing to his feet, as soon as he did he fell against the angel covering his mouth. Hunching over and throwing up whatever was left in his stomach. "This...T-This is like a bad hangover..." He gagged, then remembered Sam. "Cas we--"

"Sam is safe. He is back at the motel, I had to knock him out." The angel shifted on his feet grabbing Dean's arm, "We need to leave now." Dean watched the angel closely wondering why he was so uneasy being down here. "Now Dean." He pressed two fingers to Dean's skull making the male appear back at the motel room. There on the bed laid Sam, the male's usual tan skin was as white as snow. A few bruises on his wrists and neck; probably from fighting against the male who had injected him with the stupid demon blood. But the man seemed so puny, so weak looking. He didn't look like he could take Sam down, he looked like Sam could've knocked him out with one punch. But that wasn't the whole point of what was going on right now. Dean brushed his thumb across Sam's bottom lip smiling a bit, he took a seat on the motel bed.

"You'll be just fine, Sammy," He breathed out leaning down over his little brother pressing his forehead to Sam's. He closed his eyes inhaling his brother's scent; missing it so much. It seemed creepy to actually think about it but he didn't seem to think about it too much. Just focusing on this now, focusing on Sam. Who laid on the bed, torn up clothes. Swollen lips parted, man was he so tempted. To just lean forward and press his lips into Sam's. He should.

He was going to.

A minute passed before Dean finally made a move, leaning over his little brother, a hand on Sam's chest the other above Sam's head.

Then he did the unspeakable.

He pressed his lips against Sam's.

Sam's eyes opened. 'Fuck,' Dean thought to himself pulling back looking away. His hands folded on his lap. The only thing he could think of to say or just to keep to himself was:

'Forgive me father for I have sinned.'

Even then it felt so good.

"Dean? Did you just kiss me?"

Shit did it feel so good.