#s5e92

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Fade to present time

Grif: And he was translating between the two of them, too. So if we find Andy, he can tell us exactly what's going on.

Sarge: Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.

Simmons: Thank you Sir.

Grif: Simmons!? I just told you everything!

Sarge: But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.

Grif: Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!

Sarge: Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!

Grif: He had nothing to do with that!

Sarge: But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.

Grif: By trying to bury you alive!

Sarge: A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.

Simmons: Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.

Sarge: Oh, don't spoil it.

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Cut to Grif lying face-down next to Andy

Andy: Hey Grif, just tell 'em where the kid with the sword is, and you can go.

Grif: Wha? A-Andy is that you? Why are you helping monster people?

Andy: Hey, gotta make a livin'.

Green Alien: Hnk. Hnk? Wnkwnk. Wrear.

Andy: He says someone's comin'. Eh we gotta go!

The Green Alien and another alien run off, presumably carrying Andy

Andy: Seeya Grif! By the way, you look like shit! Zing!

Grif: Uoh, okay, bye. I'm gonna, to go to sleeping again...

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Cut back to Church and Tex standing over Sheila and the ship, with a big wire going between them

Tex: She's all set. Transfer should take a while.

Church: Um, are we sure we wanna put her in this ship?

Tex: Mm, it's still flyable, but I'm gonna remove the ignition coil just to be sure. If O'Malley is in her somewhere, they aren't goin' anywhere without it.

Church: You want me to hold it?

Tex: Are you kidding?

Church: Well, thought it was worth a try.

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Church: You want us to turn her back on again? After we just went through all that trouble to shut her down?

Caboose: But she said she knows where O'Malley is.

Church: Maybe she was lying. How could she possibly know that? What do you think Tex, can we turn her back on again? Disable her guns or somethin'?

Tex: Not a chance, she's a wreck back here. I'm not even sure how she was operational anyway.

Caboose: Oh, I know, uh, we could put her inside my head! Like O'Malley. I've got lots of extra room in there.

Church: Yeah, I bet, and, no. She's not that kind of A.I.

Tex: She could only be moved over, if we had a similar class of vehicle.

Church: Yeah, if only we had some other kind of big vehicle that we could move her in to. We can't use the warthog 'cause that doesn't have anything... Wait a minute. Tex... the ship? Could we move her in to one of those on-board computers?

Tex: If we set up a hardline, yeah, I bet we could do it.

Tucker comes running out of the base

Tucker: Church, wait!

Church: Huh?

Tucker: Church hold on a second I've got something to tell you!

Church: Tucker what, what is it?

Tucker: I just wanted to say, I got a hardline Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow!

Tex: How did you even hear that?

Tucker: Pff! I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.

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Tex: Hey Caboose? How's it goin' in there?

Caboose is revealed inside the ship

Caboose: Looks good. Although I have to tell you the ship looks a lot bigger on the inside than the outside.

Tex: How's the readout?

Caboose: Well, all the red lights are red, and all the blue lights are blue.

Tex: What about the green lights?

Caboose: Those are black.

Tex: When the green lights turn green, and the red lights turn black, I want you to get a hold of me right away.

Caboose: Uh okay. Uh, what about the blue lights?

Tex: The blue lights don't matter.

Caboose: Then why do they-

Tex: Okay, okay, thanks Caboose, good job!

Caboose: Oh, okay.

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Cut to the Reds in the cave, with Grif shaking off the effects of having been forcibly unconscious

Sarge: Shake it off, you big orange baby, what happened to you?

Donut: He's been chasing the dragon.

Simmons: Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.

Donut: That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!

Simmons: Shut up!

Donut: He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.

Simmons: Will. You. Stop, Donut?! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.

Donut: Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.

Simmons: Yeah, that sounds like fun.

Sarge: Who knocked you out, Grif? Was it those dirty Blues?

Grif: No, some kind of bat-person.

Sarge: Bat-person!?

Simmons: Sarge, I'm not sure Grif knows what he's talkin' about.

Sarge: Grif doesn't know what he's talkin' about, eh? Stop the fuckin' presses.

Simmons: No. I mean specifically right now. Whatever chemical they used to knock us out may be affecting his perception or his memory.

Donut: And it could cause undue stress to his family, and seriously impair his ability to operate a me-

Simmons: SHUT UP, DONUT!

Grif: I wasn't hallucinating. There was some kinda crazy bat thing, and another guy, and they were talkin' about a kid. And a sword. Some kinda deal they made.

Donut: Hokay wait, is this a joke? This is a prank on me, right? You guys found my Harry Potter fan fiction.

Grif: This has nothing to do with you, Donut.

Donut: Hokay, right, sure. Well if the bat person turns out to be a sailor, and the guy turns out to be a bartender, and the sword turns out- well, let's just say this all sounds a little too familiar.

Grif: I'm telling the truth! This really happened.

Sarge: Sure, we believe you buddy! Note to Simmons, Grif has gone mad. Need to kill him ASAP.

Grif: I'm not crazy!

Sarge: Second note to Simmons, Grif has developed super hearing. Possibly acquired from the bat people! Post-note: original plan still applies.

Grif: Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb, the bomb!

Simmons: Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."

Grif: The bomb was there! That's how I could understand what was being said. They needed him to translate.

Sarge: The bomb? You mean that loud-mouth guy?

Grif: Yeah, the enormous ball that's always ready to explode.

Donut: Hokay seriously, there's coincidence, and then there's outright plagiarism. I'm gonna have to sue somebody.