#rutte makes everyone happy

[the-jam-to-the-unicorn]

Hard to say who's happier about the visit 😄

[drathym]

ok guys last post for a while but this is probably more like a (long term?) breaak.... i might want to post again in the future but im just having a really hard time right now, and my expectations posting on here have gotten too high to where im getting disappointed way too often. thats obviously my fault for getting like that, and i still appreciate all the support, but posting on here lowkey jusr makes me feel like shit at art at the moment.

anyway... after a while when i get past this mental health and art rutt im in i might start posting on here again because im already missing all my mutuals & everyone on here.

i genuinely hope it wont be long & i hope if i do come back u guys will still be here lallallala

ok bye

update: im only posting when i am in a jolly happy mood !!!!!!!!!

[smiley-mcdoggington]

1) I too am bottom Stan propaganda

2) I’m once again frolicking with you about A/B/O stuff because your brain is SO FUCKING SMART FOR THIS like I like how you broke down the details of A/B/O in your verse because it’s really cool. Talk to me more about imaginary biology!!

3) The last snippet (now that I have my brains about me) is such a cool analysis on the characters. Like Stan is ok (well not ok but like this is fine meme) being groped and stuff as long as he can keep up his passion which is something a lot of Omegas aren’t allowed to have. Ford worry pacing and his fretting over his brother that could be omega could be alpha but really it’s just ford paranoia and insistence and all. (Also lowkey I squint and think of the possibility of Trans alpha ford?? Like idk I feel like he’d have some kind of time with it?)

4) I have got to know what your plans for them long term are. Will they settle in gravity falls? Will they sail away? Will there be a thing where Bill plays his hand and somehow gets involved? Would there be a push away separation thing and if so what’s that gonna be like??? Idk I’m just digesting your ideas. You’re veryyyyy creative

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ANON WE'RE FROLICKING

1) BOTTOM STAN ARMY

2) I shit you not I was pulling out my old bio homework until I reread the ask it said anatomy and not biology - I was gonna make a whole case on increased cortisol in alphas and oxytocin in omegas especially during estrous cycles explaining why and how rutts and heats affect them but honestly that would have been an even drier textbook I should probably just put the vibes in more drabbles--

3) EEEEEEEEEE I'M SO HAPPY, STAN JUST WANTS TO KEEP DOING THE ONE THING HES PROUD OF and he does stay chill about it for Ford's sake but it did shake him and affect how he conducted himself. And Ford worries because Stanley doesn't wear scent blockers, he doesn't wear modest clothing, and in general isn't acting the way Ford started acting when he presented and Ford is. So confused by that. It's like Stan accepts who he is and isn't changing himself in ways that would take away his freedom of expression but also keep him safe from real risks. (and I did think about transing a secondary gender but the problem is that most of Ford's issues with being an omega is rooted in sexism, and he's so focused on changing the cards hes dealt he doesn't think to work toward changing how the game is played, you know? Ford looks down on all other omegas to an extent, even Stan, Ford doesn't pretend to be an alpha because he wants to be an alpha he pretends to be an alpha so he isn't treated like an omega. The way teenage girls pretend they hate pink and girly things because they want to detach themselves from feminine expression because of how it's tied to submission and being lesser. He doesn't really want to be an alpha either, he's sexist against them too, he just wants to be treated even marginally better than a poor little omega that "can't" find a mate. He looks down on everyone that sees gender as important because he doesn't like the catches that come with his, and even if he treats Stan with a lot more grace about it he still very much does look down on Stan as well in that and other aspects anyways bla bla bla me trying to hint at as much sexism alligory as I can in the incest porn I write--)

4) As far as plans go I don't have a solid one yet this was mostly just my take on a/b/o stuff so far lmao. Not that I'm not gonna give this a paragraph--

SO Ford took his pet twin brother to school with him, Fiddleford is cool with it since they share a bed and Stan is gone most of the day doing odd jobs it's not much of a hassle, plus Stan and him are pretty friendly, they smoke on the roof together, it's nice. Then Ford decides he wants to hunt weirdness and gravity falls is a good place to kick off his career in cryptozoology so he can get enough money to buy an actual decent boat. Stan makes him a bit more sociable even if they're lying and saying Ford's an alpha. If Bill comes be exasterbates Ford's sexism to a point he's practically abusive to Stan but Stan can't leave because Ford loves him :( if they seperate Ford's gotta be the one to seperate them because Stan'll keep holding on until he loses his hands. If Stan ever finds out about Bill the whole jig is up though because Stan knows a con when he hears one. It has to come with Ford pushing people away because he Has to be on a pedistal because he can't be in a diner making a waitress laugh, yk?

[orcapeaches]

Teehee haha I'm feeling a pit in my chest that is making me wanna give up on everything, I honestly feel like I'm hating everyone I ever known and if I don't hate them that I'm quickly turning indifferent towards them. I want to be a online personality and make a living off my work but I'm so down in a rutt that I can't do anything.

I'm so mad at my family, I wanna pass away but I know I can't. I hate everyone, fuck them all. I'm so close to like- leaving all my accounts without telling anyone and just starting fresh with everything. Which sucks cause that is so 2021 me but like, ughhhh.

I hate art, it doesn't make me happy. I wish I was better but with my mental and physical illnesses I'm just so fucking drained that I quite literally cannot focus on it.

I am so ugly that I've just ruled out transitioning out entirely, I don't pass and feel like every aspect of my life holds me to ideals primarily led by men and having to uphold them. Like- it's terrible and I know if I prolong it, it's gonna all get worse.im giving up

[sheepyazi]

"When you lose someone you love, sometimes you'd do anything to bring them back, to even get the chance of seeing their face again.. Now tell me, Frenchman, what are you willing to do? Because.. You do want him back.. Don't you?"

Might actually make a story out of this. So, basically, Sniper shuffled off the mortal coil somehow leaving Spy absolutely distraught. This is the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and, due to their age difference, he assumed he'd be the one to go first. He's devastated and has been trapped in a downward spiral ever since, drinking himself into a near constant stuper, stealing Medic's needles just to escape to a happy funland for a while, and adamantly (sometimes almost violently) refusing to take off Sniper's old jacket, one of the few things he has left of the man he loved so much.

And then cue Merasmus coming into the picture. He sees Spy, this incredibly vulnerable shell of a man that's basically always under the influence of something or other and he gets an idea, going over to him with a little proposition: he kills the rest of his team and gathers their blood and souls, and Merasmus brings Sniper back to life. Feels like a win win in his books since he could always kill the two lover birds himself later and how could Spy refuse?

In Spy's head they've all just been trying to prevent him from coping, from numbing the pain he's felt ever since Sniper passed, getting rid of that nuisance in exchange for seeing his beloved again? Sign him the hell up! But that bravado didn't last when he realized that everyone was just trying to help, to drag him out of his rutt and away from his self destructive behavior..but he's too deep to back out now.. Merasmus looming over his shoulder. "You want him back.. Don't you?"

And here's an alt. for confusing a Sniper bot for the real man while hallucinating and getting roped into being mind controlled into helping Grey Mann with his robotic conquest plans

[cinnamonghost]

4 years with my kamioshi 🧡

This phoenix means the entire world to me, literally. vtubers helped me be happier in life.

I don't remember how or why, but HAACHAMA was the very first vtuber I've ever subscribed to. I honestly always though it was Suisei because of that famous Tetris video, since that was the earliest I remember getting into vtubers. But apperently I'm wrong! Sadly I don't think I will ever know since I (regrettably) deleted my youtube history in 2021.

If I remember correctly, I remember watching Ina's debut stream live? But I honestly can't remember. And I didn't subscribe to her or any of holomyth when they debuted so I don't know!

Anyway. I remember not watching Kiara at first because I thought her voice was grating? I think? I can't remember BUT I remember getting really into Calli's music

Maybe behind that small timeframe I was like "oh actually she's really awesome" And so I started watching her. And then. I would start to watch every single streams she's done. And then. Set alarms at 2 in the morning ON A SCHOOL DAY so then I can watch her live, then fall asleep while listen to her talk. I was kind of obsessed. ( and I still do that when she streams really early for me! /these stream times where when was in Japan/ I never changed lol even when it's in like . 8 in the morning streams)

Oh god and then I remember when things like "bottom left" where still so prominent and I remember her crying and feeling frustrated in one stream how she hated that it was kind of what everyone associated her with, her being a big pervert and YABAI. I remember feeling so frustrated thinking "these guys are a bunch of freaks and losers! Maybe they should watch her to realize they misunderstood her all wrong!" Thankfully I never verbalized how defensive I was online LOL I would have gotten in sooooo many arguments online . Me a 14 year old talking to like . 25 year olds. Yeesh!

Anyway I remember there was a time when her 3rd outfit came out when I kind of stopped watching her. When she was playing games like Tunic were where I didn't watch her at all. I didn't even watched her 3rd outfit! I think it was because I was busy with school so I couldn't watch her which would lead to me never watching her. Instead I was watching vtubers like Pomu and Rosemi since they were more of a"my time" friendly. Even so, I'm so happy I've gotten over that rutt! I was literally watching Tenchou today in the morning! Even if I can't make it to the entire stream I try to see what's going on and lurk for a bit.

Oh god, and going to the first hololive EN 3D concert. I was crying sooooo much when I was her. There was so much energy in the room. There was so many people happy to see their oshis! I was too! When she was singing SPARKS I was balling my eyes out, thinking "this is the happiest moment of my life" and everyone cheering for her. all of KFP cheering. Me pouring my heart out cheering for her. It got me really emotion 😭

I hope that I'll be able to talk to her in person one day! I think I would start crying LOL

This phoenix made such a big impact on me, I love Kiara!!!!!!!! She my Kami-oshi!!!!!!!!!!!! I know one day she will graduate.... but even when that happens... I'll be so greatful for all the memories she gave me. I'll be so happy that she lead to loving vtubers. I love you Kiara forever 🧡

[mirioho]

what made you interested in pursuing art more seriously or more intentionally? hope you are having a good day. i love your art and tumblr page design! you're very talented :)

Hellooooo anon, first of all, thank you very much for sending this in. And second, I am very sorry I did not answer this sooner. I think you sent this a year or so ago so you have my sincerest apologies 🙃 idek if you're still following me but

(long winded answer below)

(Skip ahead to paragraph below heart emojis if you don't wanna read my art journey and rant and just get to the actual answer to the question)

I did not intentionally maliciously ignore your ask. Rather, I kept it around because, ironically enough around the time you sent this ask is when I just...stopped doing art for a long while. I was, for a lack of a better word, very depressed, and I was incredibly unmotivated and I hated everything I drew and I disliked even the act of drawing itself.

Whether it was traditional or digital, a study, a sketch, a proper art piece, experimentation, I didn't like any of it anymore. Which was disheartening because art had always been one of my only creative and sometimes emotional outlets. It was a passion. It was My Thing, so to speak, I guess.

I wasn't doing great mentally but it didn't help that I had been comparing myself to various artists online. It felt like no matter what I did I just wasn't happy with what I was doing. And it felt like even if I tried I wouldn't be able to reach the heights others seem to a lot more easily (especially if I saw that they were younger or had less time doing art than I did). I couldn't help but think everything that I did was wrong.

Or worse, not enough.

Good, but not good enough.

Great, but not enough.

Amazing, but not enough.

That's not to say people did not like my art. They did. But I didn't like it.

I didn't pick up my personal sketchbook for a long while. Even when I had deleted most social medias off my phone, I still couldn't bring myself to draw. It felt like a chore.

But sometimes I'd log into Tumblr on my mobile browser. Just to see this ask. I kept coming back to it. To be honest it's the first real ask I've ever gotten complimenting my art like this. And it felt sad to have received it when I'd pretty much decided to quit art.

But I still didn't delete it. I kept the ask even though I thought once in awhile I should reply with a "thanks but I don't do art anymore sorry" or something a bit more witty. Idk. But I'm not witty. But I am apparently very sentimental considering I've kept this ask as what I now think was hopes of someday coming back to answer it properly if I ever got out of the rutt I felt I was stuck in forever.

And I did get out.

Comparison is one of the worst things an artist can do to themselves. In comparing, i set unrealistic expectations for myself and my art. And in doing so I nearly lost the one thing that I think genuinely makes me happy. (I'm not even kidding like I couldn't even do a silly doodle without hating it) I personally think it's great to have big goals and big dreams with your own art. But to expect yourself to reach those things right off the bat or in a shorter time frame than is realistic is just going to put pressure on your shoulders that will inevitably make doing art feel like a burden since it feels like you're working so hard and not seeing any results. But it's because the results you're expecting aren't things that happen so easily with everyone.

There's also the fact that in setting these unrealistic expectations and comparisons, I began to dislike my art because I wasn't doing it for myself. Not really anyways. I was doing it for my expectations. But not for my enjoyment. I could only enjoy it if I met my expectations. But I never did (since they were so high and not reasonable) and so I stopped feeling the satisfaction and joy that comes with creating.

So, obviously in the time I was away I had to focus on 1. Being more realistic in my expectations and 2. Having fun. These seem very obvious things for any artist to do or remember but I needed the reminder apparently. And I try to keep that in mind everytime I do art now. I try not to be too harsh on myself and just enjoy the process. Because the process of creating is very nice and I missed it quite a lot. I missed getting an idea, sketching it out and slowly but surely bringing that idea to life. Even if it's just a silly fanart. It makes me happy to see it because after so long not creating a thing and hating it all, it's like welcoming back a dear friend. And that friend is me and my art.

💚💖💚

All this to say, I decided to pursue art more seriously and intentionally because I like it. I like the process of creating. I like the end results. Art is something I've always done and it's something I hope to always do in the future. It's not my job. But it's a hobby I pursue with intention because it feels good to share my art and it feels good to have it be appreciated and it feels even more fantastic to actually have someone like it so much they want to buy it (shout out to that person who earned me 25 cents on my first Redbubble sale. I actually cried). It's satisfying and validating, I, of course, won't let myself get swept up in the validation from others anymore. But I pursue it with purpose because art was never just some little thing for me. And hopefully it never will be.

But thank you again anon for your ask, I am very sorry I gave you unnecessary art journey details and rants in this answer but I hope you know your words were very helpful and if I'm being honest very motivating. To think at least one person liked my art enough to say it in ask form was something that made me feel better every now and then.

[chanandlerbongs-blog]

I used to be so productive. I used to resemble some kind of happiness. I used to feel that I could achieve everything I dreamed. I used to enjoy people. I used to be someone else.

Today I'd rather step off the planet every chance I get. Escape. Today everything feels out of reach. Today genuine happiness sounds like a made up story we tell children. Today it feels like everyone hates me. Kindness a long gone characteristic. Today it feels like I will be stuck in this rutt forever.

One day I will settle. One day I will find everything I ever wanted, do the things, make friends, enjoy and feel everything amazing that life has to offer... One day.

[pepperful-qt]

pepper do you have any advice for people who want to pursue their passion (art/music/etc) as a profession or get it as a college course but arent really that good at it? i dunno dude, theres a lot of greater artists out there (u included btw) and i jus kinda ?????? yk? + having art/music as a profession doesnt really pay well in my country

hey lovely! you flatter me hahahaha 💖 it's a pretty complex situation but i'll try my best💙 i do want to clarify that the nature of my profession is moreso based on clients and studios rather than freelance do-your-own-thing illustrator type thing. bc of that my thinking is a bit different, but I still have musician and other fine arts friends

you say you aren't that good at it, but natural talent isn't what matters. true that to a degree there is that "artistic sense", but like your skills it's something that can be honed, refined, and built upon. very few are prodigies. know that anything artistic is malleable and dynamic and will change, you just need to be willing to both do it and put in the effort to do so

if it's your passion, don't let it go. just don't. i promise even if you don't make it your profession, looking back years later you will regret giving it up completely.

there's always someone that will be better than you. it's just reality. for someone outrageously competitive like me it's infuriating and disheartening (i get it, trust me). there's different approaches to this depending on you: you can go with it & pursue your passion anyway because it's something you enjoy and that's what matters, and you let the fact that there are others above you drive you. Or, like me, you push yourself to specialize in a certain area and become unique enough to stand out. there's no easy or straightforward answer to it, but it's a reality everyone has to deal with, artists more than anyone

MOTIVATION & SELF CONFIDENCE & INSPIRATION ARE NOT CONSTANTS wow i wish i could scream that from the rooftops. it's so so so normal to get stuck it a rutt or block. they last a long time occasionally. some artists have tricks they do, but know that slumps are normal and it's okay to take breaks!

have another job! this was my high school art teacher's advice to me & even though i kinda ignored him it is good advice! it's literally what Semi does lol. you can have a well paying job you use to keep yourself afloat (in Semi's case, civil servant) and fund your artistic pursuits! you can even double major or minor in whatever art or music you're interested in if that's an option. for me, ik how computers work and some niche programming that could definitely get me by in a software or IT company if i needed to. i also draw/paint/do photography on the side, the latter of which i get a bit of money for. it's totally a viable option for you if the arts don't pay well in your country.

fine arts is not just painting and drawing and music etc. i go to an art school where everything is a BFA. film, vfx, game design, graphic design, industrial design, dance, etc are all fine arts. your options are open! i'm not sure exactly what your interest is, but there's lots of options for you. all i knew was i wanted to work in film or games, and i ended up doing something very tech savvy that could fit in both! true there's less creative freedom and more technical skill involved, but i still have those other passions i do on the side :)

those who just rely on natural talent don't make it that far. there are countless technical and life skills you need to learn as well. for something like graphic design, sculpture, drawing, etc, you can learn about composition, color theory, and the principles of design

ik i said don't give it up, but also don't strain yourself to make it work. mentally, financially, physically, or otherwise. your quality of life is important, and the phrase "you'll be happy as long as you're doing what you love" only goes so far if you're struggling to make ends meet and starving or not feeding yourself well, or giving yourself injuries in the very body that allows you to follow this passion.

Art is a risk, in more ways than one. it's upsetting how art has fallen to the wayside and is disregarded as a waste of a profession when the world functions on art, and has literally since humans had original thought. take an art history class, it'll change your perspective. look out for yourself and your quality of life! push yourself, yes, but not over a cliff

i'd pay money for someone to tell me a universally accepted answer to what makes art or an artist "good"

i hope this was somewhat helpful and if you have any follow up questions lmk!

[jvden]

𝖇𝖚𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖇𝖗𝖎𝖉𝖌𝖊𝖘

𝔴𝔞𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔫𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔰 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔧𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔫 𝔧𝔞𝔪𝔢𝔰𝔬𝔫 .

hi ! pretend like you don’t see the lack of graphic ok, something super sick is up there ok . jaden is in dire need of a buddy y’all . a theme of misdirection is common in these, as well as mentions of jaden’s affair (which i have not brought up much due to the fact that ... it just didn’t come up and i hadn’t fully fleshed out the ta as an npc) with theatre ta and garnet alum hudson evans . everything can definitely be changed around to fit anything, i don’t mind ! also if you’d like to just plot something basic, or further flesh out an original plot please let me know ! ok thanks bye -- @opalsmedia 

also see here . 

we dont believe whats on tv  twenty one piots . closed rose morrison .

what if my dream does not happen? / would i just change what i've told my friends? / i don't want to know who i would be / when i wake up from a dreamer's sleep / i need to know / that when i fail you'll still be here

WITH MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S around the corner, jaden is feeling uncharacteristically less than. normally, theatre is an escape for them, a activity that they don’t even need to think about, but here recently the weight of the society is taking over their mind. everything feels weird. the air around the manor is eerie, almost like everyone is keeping a secret and jaden is on the outside. the prodigies are busying themselves with opals, and with each other, jaden unsure of where they’re supposed to be going. on one hand, what happens if they’re that one prodigy that doesn’t fully make it? what if they let dante down? on the other, what happens if they just can’t find joy in the theatre anymore? what if they flunk out of strathmore and are forced to pick something else? who is going to catch them now that august is gone? 

YOUR MUSE CAN sense a shift in jaden, something is off - which may not be so unusual, but it's apparent enough to raise eyebrows. they’re a lending arm to take their mind somewhere that isn't the worst possible scenario. coffee breaks, movie dates, and picnics help take jadens mind off of the weight of the world and their situation, and your muse’s shoulder is always there to lend advice and help push them out of the rutt they’ve found themselves in. your muse is kind, a light at the end of a tunnel.

clementine halsey . open to all .

i don't need anyone / i don't need anyone / i just need everyone and then some

THEN: jaden and your muse weren't fast friends. however, the disgusting amounts of school projects meant they spent so much time together that honestly, they were just tired of looking at them. at first glance, they were into lace and love and rosé (or something opposite obviously). jaden was into leather and cigarettes and jack on the rocks. it was hard to find trust in them, to find a confidant that they could bring their walls down for and believe in their gut that they wouldn't leave. because not everyone leaves. right? their ability to know precisely what jaden thinks before they can get the words out made them a perfect match, the best of friends. your muse knew exactly when jaden's heart rate was rising, when they were getting too worked up for their own good, and knew how to calm them down. because of them, jaden learns to ask for help when and if they need it, rather than keeping to themselves and figuring everything out on their own. your muse is the first person jaden tells about hudson, about their affair. they were intoxicated, enough that they didn't realize what they were saying. now the cat is out of the bag, and things are weird, to say the least. they could see the casual looks your muse was giving hudson in the hallways, the strange silences when they talked about him or when your muse found out they were heading to his place for the night. they didn't think anything of it, they couldn't. they were happy. 

NOW: it’s common knowledge that hudson was a garnet only a few years prior. it’s common knowledge and it’s not necessarily knowledge that jaden would like for your muse to hold on to. hudson’s place in the society makes things even more uncomfortable for jaden and you can feel the relationship straining. what once was an inseparable bond has turned into missed calls, only catching the back of jaden’s hair before they’re out of sight, and lonely walks back to the dorms from the library every night. meanwhile, on jaden’s end, they’re struggling hard with the fact that hollis knows about hudson, they can’t find their place with the rest of the circlet let alone the society as a whole, and they’re backsliding in their classes as well. jaden’s not going to admit to needing help, but you know that they do without having to ask.

forever ... is a long time halsey . open to prodigies ig otherwise it’s against the rules, no?

build love, build god, build provinces / build calluses, break promises / cause i could never hold a perfect thing and not demolish it … 

THEN: they were the first relationship jaden partook in post rehab, and really, post august. it was hard. everything is rocky, they were one thing and then another. they were happy, but then everything was wrong. they were so innocent. so fucking kind and sweet. in the beginning, it bothered jaden, everything about loving them and wanting to be around them, bothered jaden. why couldn't they turn off that light? they knew they would get hurt. but their fucking smile… and maybe that's why jaden ran to the hudson in the first place. to be the one to hurt, and not get hurt. to be with someone that couldn't possibly break their heart because they would never get attached? turns out, they still got attached.

NOW: it's weird confiding in your muse post hudson. things felt normal, but they definitely weren't. they're using your muse as a shield, a security blanket almost. jaden can pretend things are normal in public if they still have their hand to hold. it was rocky, the first few months after the hudson debacle. but eventually, finding the friendship they had in one another made things comfortable. it was a new normal for them; stolen kisses, late-night fights ending in each other's arms. they were easy before, and now it was as if they were the secret. 

hand me downs mac miller . closed eliot rivera.

when i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place / walk and drop in change inside your empty guitar case / that's charity um, i move carelessly that's why i'm always tripping / i guess that's like electrolytes you help me go the distance

JADEN HAS VIEWED the society like a sort of joke since the beginning, but now, things are getting exceedingly more interesting. tying a bunch of second years to statues? that’s real shit. however with that said, they’re stuck. what is the point of the society? where are they supposed to be going? what is the goal that they had in mind with all of this? 

YOUR MUSE IS a mentor to jaden, helping them navigate through the society in a way that makes everything click for them. it feels forced in the beginning, maybe it’s the product of an informal or another task, and they aren’t opening up as much as they could be. they’re shy, afraid of the unknown, but eventually become willing to let your muse in. 

ik i left this one kind of sparse… but i feel like it speaks for itself lol

[tamemaki]

#1 and 16 KomaHina for smutty prompts?

Warning: Rated E, for Explicit Sexual Content & Swearing, please be careful! / words, 2.1k / post-SDR2 future foundation ♥

(1; grinding, 16: edging / orgasm denial)

“K-Komaeda.“

Damn him. God damn him and his fluffy head of hair, as his head is nestled between his shoulder and his neck. He’s sucking on Hinata’s skin like some sort of animal, coy and marking, his own slender hands lifting at the hem of his dress shirt, crawling all over Hinata’s waist.

Ever letting Komaeda into his office was his biggest mistake mistake mistake. The biggest mistake of his post-apocalyptic, post-killing game, post-biggest-most-awful-event-in-human-history-ever-ever-ever life, after he’d decided to let…

Well…

After the whole giving an organization the rights to do whatever they pleased with his head in the pursuit of true hope, thing. That was… still pretty bad on the scale, as far as everything w-went, fuck, but this?

Maybe not a close second, but it’s still somewhere up there, Hinata gasps as the boy above him grinds downwards-

and he can swear he feels Komaeda’s smirk seep against his skin.

“H-Hinata-kun.” He can hear him moan, a whisper breath warm against his ear, as he tightens his grip on the back of Hinata’s swivel chair, grinding his pelvis down, and Hinata feels his hips jerk up by instinct, trying to meet the sweet heat of the other boy’s motion.

It’s fucking hot in the room, suffocating with the boy squirming on his lap in the office. He can’t fucking remember what the hell he’d been working on just twenty minutes earlier, when he’d let this innocent little monster walk into his room with water and a “How’s your day been, Hinata-kun?”, before he immediately slinked over and made his way onto Hinata’s lap. And Hinata had let him, wrapping his arms around his waist to listen to Komaeda’s rather mundane but charming story about the cafeteria worker who had smiled at him this morning, how it’s brightened his day hopefully, complete with a hand-clap and all, when all the while shifting around in Hinata’s lap, chasing the slow building as he fidgeted in his seat and tried his best to stay sane-

When the making out started.

And then he was hard.

And well.

Then.

And well then

“F-fuck.”

Hinata breathes, into Komaeda’s neck, and the boy ridges against him, the boy’s own charming, enthusiastic hardness pressed against his leg, eager to please. Komaeda’s on top of him laughing, breathy, trying to chase the friction of his jeans against Hinata’s thigh. When the boy arches and lets out a moan right in front of him, that’s when Hinata’s about two seconds from done.

Komaeda draws back, comes up from Hinata’s neck, and looks down at the markings on his neck fondly. He traces his fingers over them, normally pale cheeks flushed pink and chest coming up and down.

His expression is pleasant- breathless- as he presses his forehead against Hinata’s and his eyes cloud over in that overly fond, lash-dripping expression. Love. That Hinata loves. That spurs Hinata on, the excited eagerness that Komaeda bathed him in.

It’s embarrassing, but it gets him going more than anything else. The way the boy strove to please, how he bathed him in praise and affirmation. Komaeda’s not a wordsmith, and what comes out of his mouth can be pretty damn terrifying sometimes… but Komaeda was expressive, and he never kept anything in.

When Komaeda was happy, it was impossible to miss. When he wasn’t, he was a challenge and a half.

Komaeda was passionate, he did what he wanted, and God knows Hinata might have needed it. Maybe Hinata was pitiful, to be a man who still needed to have his ego pumped every once in a while.

But maybe it was normal, and everyone needed to feel loved. Needed. Like they were worth loving. Like they were worth something.

Like they could do anything.

And sometimes, Komaeda, who had his own faith and challenge was exactly what he needed to push him off the edge and out of his comfort zone.

Just…

Sometimes it lead to make out sessions in the office, hard and clumsy hands as they’re strutting against each other trying to push each other to reach that something and honestly Hinata is pretty sure that’s not what he’s supposed to be doing. Pretty sure there’s many things he should be doing, but Komaeda, flushed and muffling his whimpers, on top of his papers, on the top floor of the Future Foundation building was not one of those things.

“C-close.” He hears Komaeda whimper, suddenly, on top of him as he keens into his neck, and it’s really bad for the coiled dissipating pressure in his stomach as he rutts against Komaeda. Hinata only nods, trying to focus as the boy starts kissing him softly, before melting open mouthed, drinking in the other boy’s breath, edging himself forward, chasing the other’s lips and the feeling travels into that heat between his legs. “Komaeda.” He groans, and feels the other’s smile on his neck. He nudges Komaeda into position, so each thrust forward grinds just right, and Komaeda let’s out a gasp that has Hinata groaning.

It’s so close.

His boyfriends eyelashes are flirting against his forehead, eyes shut, losing synchronization against him. Mouth hanging open and arousal in his breath and panting and grinding is so hot and Hinata’s trying to-

A few more-

J-just-

Hinata jerks forward, the pressure’s just about to peak- when his hips are pinned down by Komaeda’s hands. He almost cries out, in expectation, disappointment, before his wide eyes stare at his boyfriend who’s looking away to the door of the room. His brain slowly registers the ring of the phone in the background. It doesn’t stop him from giving his panting boyfriend the most bug eyed what did you just do stare that he can muster, because Komaeda broke them both and Hinata’s so-

“Oh.” Komaeda laughs. “It’s just the phone.” He says. The fluff haired boy leaning back, playful fingers trying to fumble with the phone but Hinata’s not having it. Not disconnecting to connect to whatever bastard was on the other side of the phone, that god sent down to smite him after having sent Komaeda to him. Probably also to smite him.

The boy was going to be his downfall. He was almost sure of it.

Did he care?

Maybe once upon a time.

But the phone doesn’t stop ringing, so Hinata hitches up Komaeda’s legs, carrying him off his chair and Komaeda’s legs move from around his waist, to one in between, snug against him. It’s nice like this, pressed against the other boy’s chest and he seems pleased, as he picks up the phone.

Hinata’s about to stop him before Komaeda says “Hello?”

There’s a silence on the other side of the line before a monotonous voice mutters.

“Why are you there?”

Oh. Togami.

He groans internally. Why couldn’t it have been Naegi or something?

There’s a bit of a shuffle on the other side of the line, a mumbling, he hears the phone travel through space and then a lighter voice enters the line. “Hello Komaeda-kun! Togami-kun says he has to go.” Naegi’s voice drawls off, as he seems to follow the other man out of the room before the door clicks shut, before brightening again.“Is Hinata-kun here?” Naegi takes over a more serious silence, and Komaeda passes the phone onto Hinata, before settling into a relaxed press into his leg, breath returning calm but heavier.

Hinata feels his own breath weigh again, and when he speaks into the phone, it’s a bit throatier than he intended.

“Hello?” He says, slowly sliding against the boy before him again, as they settle into slow presses back and forth. It’s pleasant, not overwhelming. He can feel it building, the feeling of pleasure in his groin, and then it stops. When Hinata looks at the boy again, it seems like Komaeda’s had enough. His hands are travelling down, and Hinata’s eyes widen as the boy slowly unloops the front of Hinata’s belt, before staring at him with a half-lidded expression, and Hinata’s throat runs dry.

“Hello Hinata-kun!”

“Uhuh?”

Uhuh. Uhuh. That stupid sound is all Hinata can make out before Komaeda drools onto his hand, forcing eye contact the whole way through, before his slender hand travels down and-

“I think Togami-kun just wanted to ask for a progress report?”

“Uh-Uhuh.” Hinata says, cursing the way his breath jolted when his boyfriend’s hand made contact with his dick.

There’s a silence on the receiver. “So?”

“Oh- uhh-” Hinata breathes, or at least tries to, as his boyfriend starts to unzip at his own trousers and- god, Komaeda’s dick strained against his boxers like tha- “Yokohama’s good.” Hinata says. Like a normal human being.

It’s good. Yokohama’s doing great. It’s chill. It’s really fucking chill. Peachy.

“Ah, so the impact assessment on Yokohama’s nearly done?” Hinata hears an enthusiastic chirp on the other side of the line. “That’s great!”

“Hinata-kun, good job.” The cheery whisper beside his ear causes him to shiver in closed-eyed sensation. Hinata’s not sure if this ego-spoiling is necessary as his boyfriend’s pumping him for all he’s worth. Hinata angles up his hips as Komaeda busies himself, lavishing his neck with his tongue. Like everything else, it adds to that swirling sensation in his gut. When he opens his eyes, he sees Komaeda exposed to the air.

“W-well… Sorry for interrupting you, anyway, Hinata-kun, you’re probably really busy. Say hello to Komaeda-kun for me! Both of you, do your best!”

And the line drops.

Hinata clicks of the phone back into the receiver, hovers above Komaeda who stops his ministrations for the moment, to give the most sickeningly cheesy look he can muster. Komaeda’s spoiling him today, with attention and affection, and it’s a lot.

As embarrassing as it is, he appreciates it. Needs it.

“You’re really killing me, here.”

“Anything for the Ultimate Hope, right?” He leans in, Hinata feels his face flush.

Bumping his forehead forward, strands of Komaeda’s hair falling to the side of his face… he takes Komaeda in his hand, earning a delightful shiver. Komaeda returns the favour, and it’s a room of focussed silence but for the punctuated grunts and shaken breaths. When Komaeda’s breathing heightens, when he starts to shuffle on the desk, lets out a moan and buries himself into Hinata’s neck, he knows Komaeda’s close. If his own breathing is any indication, he was too. Synchronization, of messy movements as Komaeda comes undone before him, wrist going halfway, but more than anything, it’s when Komaeda looks up and smiles-

“Hinata-kun?” Breath haphazard. He’s glowing. 

“Yes?” Eyes half lidded, Hinata reaches out to stroke his cheek

                                                                                          when the door unclicks.

Whizzing around, Komaeda hand comes off of him immediately, but Hinata’s not quick enough to let go before Komaeda’s shuddering into him- hitched breath as he jerks into Hinata’s palm and he can feel the thick, viscous sensation dripping pooling in his hand.

How Komaeda can suddenly be breathing so calmly, nuzzled into him, is beyond him; skilled fingers tucking- forcing- Hinata’s hard, weeping-in-disappointment pre-cum sheened cock into his trousers, before tucking himself in so put-together is beyond his imagination.

The sole zip in the silence is the most saddening sound in the world.

There was absolutely no win, today. Not for Hinata, currently hard and engaged in a staring showdown with the most unimpressed gaze he has ever met in his life. The stars had aligned in the most saddening astrology forecast for him. He’d been doomed from the start.

This was the worst.

At least Komaeda had been able to…  

But Hinata…

There was no happy ending for him here.

It was so unfair…

As his boyfriend steps away from him, dusts at his jeans, runs a hand through his hair with what Hinata knows is a pre-cum stained hand, how he can manage to smile… Komaeda must be wearing his lucky underwear, because Hinata can’t see any of it through his jeans but he knows. He knows, in Komaeda’s shudder, what happened.

“Hello Togami-kun! Ah… how wonderfully unexpected!” He might look clean, but his breath…

A dead giveaway.

And Togami knew.

Togami.

“I’ve just finished with Hinata-kun, so he’s all yours.”

How Komaeda kept composed under Togami’s stone gaze is a talent that apparently evaded the Kamukura project because Hinata felt like he was going under just staring at his desk.

“See you tonight, Hinata-kun!” A cheery call, and with a wink, the door slams.

Togami raises an eyebrow. “Hard work?”

It makes Hinata want to groan, the fact it’s not the hardest thing he has to deal with, unfortunately.

[critgemhero]

I met the Critical Role gang and it went... mostly okay!!!

So yes, it happened. I got my autographs from everyone (except Ashely cuz she is not there) from Critical Role! Below I will go into detail my interactions with each. Sadly, as I suspected, my nerves take over my memory and I have forgotten what they mostly said outside of the typical reactions and a few key moments, but here is how it went down!

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn - I was first in line for her and facing away from her and down when she came out behind the curtain to start and was not ready at all I turned around like the dramatic friggin Chipmunk. I kept apologizing for some reason and then I got her autograph! She was trying to remember the name of Allura, who I was cosplaying and she recognized, and I forgot what we first talked about but she was the first to sign the book! I told her how much I adored her work directing Cowboy Bebop and asked if she directed Tangled The Series (which I had read online she did) and she said yes and said how much I loved that! I actually chose to get a selfie with her which I didn't do for ANYONE else except Matt, which honestly IDK why it just felt like an impulse decision. At least it looks 1000x better than my Matt one... oh god. 

Sam Riegel - What compelled me to jump in and get Sam’s first, I have no idea. But I did. Anyway, this one went okay! I don’t remember much sadly, but I made a decision to tell the whole cast about my video editing and how they inspired me so much to get back into it and about my VFX video I did! I told Sam himself, the star, and he looked confused at first and I got nervous but I could tell when it clicked for him and he looked in SHOCK. He was like that, “that was YOU??? That was so good oh my god!” Pretty much all the cast had that reaction but only 3 are super memorable to me and he was definitely one of them. I remember he said something about how much hard work that must have been and to keep doing what I am doing or something along those lines. Then I tried quickly saying how much I love his voice work like Teddie from Persona, and while walking away said I was excited for Ducktales season 2 and he seemed happy by that and we parted ways!! I am sure there was more nuance too it but again, I FORGOT A LOT FROM MY NERVES.

Marisha Ray - I did these signings in SUCH a weird order, but I decided to get Marisha next. The sad part is that the most memorable moment was Matthew sitting right next to her doing her OWN signings and he randomly pointed to me and said “Hey just wanted to say you did such a great job on your cosplay! You look amazing!!! ” And I pretty much died right then and there like OH MY GOD. Then I actually got her autograph and she was super chill. I again kept anchoring to the inspiration to do my video editing thing so I told the same story to her and she recognized the video too! For some odd reason, I can’t remember her reaction and this really bums me out. I do remember her saying something along the lines of keep doing my best when making my work, but I also remember the incredibly endearing smile on her face when walking away.

Brian W. Foster - He was super chill and personable! There is a reason he is a good host on between the sheets for sure. I made the same video editing inspiration schpiel, but I feel like I worded myself better with him that time around? He was also super surprised and happy to learn it was me too! Sadly, can’t remember much after that, but once again it was all smiles and sweet words because anything bad or awkward would have stood out to me... trust me on that one later. 

Taliesin Jaffe - Taliesin was such a unique interaction! Beforehand he was having some kind of deep and emotional conversation with the woman before me, and I heard him saying something along the lines as “it's been hard” and “I'm getting by day by day” and I my nerves were kinda overcome by compassion. When it was my turn to speak I said hi and while he was smiling he genuinely looked like he was about to cry???? I was starting to talk but I interrupted myself and genuinely asked if he was okay. He said yeah and that it was all just kinda overwhelming. I kinda forgot this middle part, though I feel like I did bring up the video editing thing. He recognized it too and said that the industry needs way more talented and passionate editors and emphasized how important they are. I can’t remember if it was HIM or TRAVIS who said this, but he said something along the lines of the industry really needing people like editors with how hard it is to do and how they basically MAKE the stories into movies themselves. The more I think about it the more I think it was Travis who said it... a lot of my interaction memories are mixed up from my nerves. Either way, I did something very out of character and asked if I could give him a hug. He had seemed so upset earlier and I saw that other woman give him a hug, so I told myself, hey if you are gonna get a hug from a cast member today, Taliesin is a great choice who would probably say yes (but I wanted to hug Marisha so badly too you have no idea, she was so sweet and endearing and made me feel better. Most others did but she was so huggable looking at the time) We hugged tight and I was on my way!

Liam O Brien - ... okay, things sadly got weird here and it kinda puts my mood down. I won’t lie to you guys, Liam seemed really off. Maybe he was overwhelmed by something or very reserved from being shy, but it seemed more like disinterest and... acting rudely? I feel kinda awful implying he was a jerk or something, but I did a really bad job trying to hold a conversation with him and I can’t even remember IF I told him about the video. He was very quiet, and seemed put off by my nervousness in some way? Like he did say something along the lines of “its okay we’re just people” but I barely remember if we made eye contact at all? I thought it was me at first, but I remember when looking up at him after a bit he was the one looking away a lot and I am unsure if I did something to make him uncomfortable or what. What really threw me off the most was his kinda strange remark about me saying how I grew up watching Naruto and loved Gaara. He just kinda nodded and said, “yep, I was a voice of your childhood” like... in disdain as if he has heard that 100 times before? Look... I am NOT saying everyone has to have the same reactions or super happy cheery demeanors (Ex. Taliesin) but something was so disconnected about all of it. Maybe I am only remembering the minor bad parts and am forgetting the good parts, but still. As much as I still love Liam for what he does, he was not having a good time that day and I can only hope I didn't make it worse or even somehow cause it :(

Travis Willingham - Boy this one has the highest and the lowest points. When meeting him I said how nervous I was with these and started rambling and it got pretty bad but he anchored me back in by doing Grog’s voice!!! I told him yes it helped and made me laugh. That was able to get me into saying how much I loved his voice work as Roy Mustang and others, and eventually, I got to my video editing schpiel and he had a similar reaction to Sam! Again, HE may have been the person to tell me everything about how hard editing is and how they are the ones that really make the film, not Taliesin. Then we parted ways... and I realized I had missed SO FUCKING MUCH. I didn’t get to tell him how much I empathized with him recently, or how Fjord was my favorite character, how my favorite acting he did was in Infamous Second Son with Troy Baker. Seconds after walking away I literally yelled “Oh I forGOT TO SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE FJORD” Like really awkwardly as he was already on to the next person but yikes. Great middle, horrible beginning/end.

LAURA BAILEY - I reached a point where I was actually SO nervous I was normal. Like, on the edge of tears but not really so I acted normal but was screaming inside. Luckily she was super personable and I told her she was my favorite voice actress of all time. She asked me what were some of my favorite roles and I was like oh god there are so many but I said Maka from Soul Eater was huge for me and how she was my first cosplay. She said I would make a fantastic Maka and I was so friggin happy!! Then I told her about my editing and Sam video edit and she was so friggin delighted and told me how the WHOLE CAST had seen them because they shared it with each other on a group text chat! She looked so happy and endeared by my words and encouraged me to keep doing what I do. I wish I could remember her words specifically, this is LAURA BAILEY we are talking about!!!

Matthew Mercer - Oh boy here is the big one. Everyone kept saying how he was a long talker and had long conversations with everyone so I was so friggin ready for that. Sadly, I think they started speeding things up with me and I didn't get that long convo. Still, Matt once again complimented my cosplay and I said thank you. I said I forgot the earings which really bugged me but he said if it helps he didn't notice! Then I revealed I almost cried over it and mentally punched myself because why the fuck did I say that out loud. Anyway I immediately went into my video editing schpeil, but I made sure to talk slower and more clearly since people said he made more time. I remember specifically saying thank you for retweeting it and then he recognized it and said how hard that must have been and how amazing it was. He went into this story about how got into editing himself a bit with using final cut pro and adobe after effects and how difficult and tiring it was for him to edit a project he was working on and commended me on how amazing the job was and how we need more editors out there to do that kind of work. I elaborated more on how much he and the rest meant to me and how they got me out of this rutt and helped me find a way to make something for myself and he held my hands real tight and reassured me. Again, WISH I COULD REMEMBER THE FUCKING WORDS, but he looked so happy and emotional for me and all of it felt extremely genuine. What a god damn sweetheart. Here is where things get bad and awkward tho... I forgot my selfie. I paid for a selfie and realized I had FORGOTTON to take it like 10 seconds later after the next person already started talking. I panicked and walked back to the guy managing the lines and he was like OH okay but I apologized to the people on line and him and he said “HEY GUYS are you alright with this young lady getting her selfie??” and they all were like YES and I felt embarrassed but better. Then he told Matt and he was like OH of course okay!! And I gave him my phone because I was confused and nervous and NOT READY or composed like I would have been before. I look awful with my neck way too far back, but it could have been worse... except the moment he took the photo I dropped my prop staff into my face and knocked my head back... I was friggin humiliated. He was like ah are you okay and I literally just said bye have a good day and rushed off almost dropping all my shit without looking at him at all. What a way for me to RUIN a perfectly decent signing... I hope he didn't think I was rude and understood I was kinda hugely embarrassed.

This is seconds before tragedy strikes.

Will Friedle - Yes oddly enough Matthew was not my last signing like I wanted, Will had a different schedule so he was last!  Anyway I was kinda feeling bad cause I never watched Boy Meets World and I didn’t remember much about Kashaw other than he was kinda a jerk but a loveable one who was played really funny, and oh yeah he is RON STOPPABLE. So I refrained from saying and Crit Role stuff since the woman before me already asked all of that and got cool answers to (Vex and Vax would not be Zarha and Kashaw’s kid's names, he would let them have Teifling names) Anyway I was thrown off by him ROLLING A D20 outta nowhere and getting a 7. He rolled again so quickly and I said “Oh man a natural 1?” on the 7 because I didn't see it correctly, less than a second later guess what?? HE ROLLED A 1!! I laughed so hard I felt like I jinxed him! Either way, ALL my nerves were gone from that and it felt a lot better to get his autograph. I told him how much I loved Kim Possible growing up and Ron Stoppable, and how I always used to sing the naked mole rap with my family as a kid and how the bendy straw joke from the movie still kills me. It was way more relaxed then I expected. Then he said okay before you go let me roll and break the curse one last time. Right before he did he said you know what? YOU roll it and see if I could break his curse! I happily took it wishing for the best... I rolled a friggin 2. He said “well at least its better than 1″ and we were both so amused by it as I left! All things considering his went very well!! Anyway, that was my experience with CR autographs today! Some big highs, some big lows, and many content smiles and awkward silence. Overall I consider it a success... but barely. I did fuck up and missed most of their live show floor panel and I'm still kicking myself in the ass for that one. 

[humansun]

Hello!! It’s been a while since I sat and wrote stuff, which is interesting and it feels familiar, but a lot more new.

My eyesight feels like it has gotten worse since I started working (I mean yes, I'm staring at a screen for 8+ hours a day). Life right now is better because I’ve moved out and am living on my own, but life itself is suffering, so there’s always another thing to worry about instead of being calm and content in what I have so far. Hold on - checking my phone because I’m a “Zoomer” (that’s what they call them now) and I need to know what my SO is saying next after I confronted him about his lack of social awareness and potential deep rooted toxic masculinity.

One of the hardest parts of dating is having to face the fact that the person you want to commit to and love deeply is different from you in so many ways. There are things that are great about them that you are immensely grateful for, but there are also traits that make you want to leave them because “you can do better!” follows you around in the voice of your best friends. I’m not trying to change anybody, but I’m basically forcing this person to shape around me even if they don’t function like that and they may have never functioned like that.

How far will my patience and genuine compassion for him go? That’s a great question. Time will tell. I made a promise to myself to write today after having a 30 minute guided meditation session on Youtube with Thich Nhat Hanh. It was more than refreshing and gave me grounding that I’ve been waiting for since the past two months.

I’ve come to place where I can actually learn and realize after being in a rutt where learning and practicing gratitude and meditation especially, all felt silly and very dumb. That’s sad to say because these are all great things that positively contribute to my life when I am in a healthy mindset. But when I’m broken, all I want to do is mope and hate myself and hate everyone around me.

Sending all my shoutouts to my closest friends and family who still love me through my worst because it gets ugly when I’m down. See - the thing with me is that when I am happy, everything is peachy. The sun is out, flowers bloom in every step, everyone’s laughing and smiling. But when I’m in a bad mental state, it’s like the world is ending when you’re around me.

I hope I've finally left the mindset but I vividly recall that every statement I had just went back to how everything sucked and life was horrible and that I didn’t want to continue living. It’s so crazy how clearly I remember it. It’s like everything that came out of my mouth after talking about distractions went back to how much I hated life and how everything in the world was against me. The mind is powerful and it’s important to be in control of it and to not let it control you.

I’ve been listening to podcasts during drives and workouts and watching educational Youtube videos in my free time which already tells me that I’m getting healthy. When I am able to learn, that is when I am healthy because I am ready to take in new content and open my mind up to people and new things. Being depressed and anxious is a very hard time and I want to prevent myself from going through these phases as much as possible, but if they happen I want to be prepared with decent to good coping mechanisms for next time around.

The update here is that I am better. I am truthfully, genuinely better and it feels really good to say that. I am excited for what’s to come - I did scary things today and challenged myself; I reached out to someone of higher status at my company for a 1:1, did 30+ minutes on bicycle cardio at the gym, and also stood up for myself against my SO regarding my values. I got to be mindful, go through some challenges, and have a difficult conversation with someone I love. Overall, it’s been a human day and I am grateful for every single part of it.

[ajxofrvr]

It Goes Both Ways...

Here is an essay... of sorts. But not on some fuck school shit. This is all from the heart and inspired by some shit my brother said to me. My brother told me last night that in a relationship, it’s all like teamwork. One can’t be selfish, otherwise it doesn’t work. And I started to think that he might be on to something. Think about it... what’s the point of being someone’s significant other? To be there in support in their toughest of times, and to always make sure they are happy and to create the best of memories as lovers. To be their best friend, and much more.

So with that said... I agree. In a relationship, things are always fucking up and down. It’s not supposed to be all fucking sunshine and flowers. As nice as that would be.. it just can’t be like that, cause that’s not how the world works, my guy... When you’re someone’s significant other, you need to make sure that they understand you are there for them for whatever and whenever. Because if they don’t understand that, or if they’ve never had that... they won’t grasp the concept of you being there to support. It doesn’t matter all the shit that you’ve got going on either.. because like my brother put it, “relationships are a team effort”. There is no “I” in team. You have to be willing to converse with your significant other. Because if you don’t, that’s when the selfishness comes into play. Because that’s when you begin to disregard your lover’s feelings, and perspective on things. If you aren’t willing to open up to that person, and ask for that reassurance of support, then you don’t get the point of that persons presence. And when you don’t get that... that’s when things get called off.

That’s what I want to make the point of with this essay. And I want to help whoever reads this shit. So I came up with some quick tips to help maintain a healthy relationship... so obviously like I said. Talking is key. That means conversations need to occur. If you have shit piling up on your plate, DO NOT be afraid to let your boyfriend/girlfriend know. In your head you might come off as “omg, I feel like I’m making it all about me” but, no. You’re not. Trust me. I used to feel like that all the fucking time. But... I realized that, if the person you’re with can’t accept that you have just as much shit as them going on... then they don’t truthfully give a fuck about you and that’s when a relationship is toxic. So when you feel like shit is getting to be a lot, let your boyfriend/girlfriend know, my guy. Because they won’t know how you feel until you do, and then once they do know... it makes it easy for them to plan to help you and to help you find solutions. But you have to be open for that conversation. It also will help them become distracted from the things happening in their lives too. Because now they can focus on other things, and helping out someone they love. Just as you’d do the same back.

My second tip. Reassurance. It can be random, or in the middle of a crisis. Reassure that special someone, that you haven’t forgotten them. That you will be by that person’s side through it all. Because that’s heavily needed in relationships, especially nowadays when we’re in the age of fuckboys and thots. In a real relationship and a healthy one, you should always (even if it seems corny and annoying) reassure your partner of your presence. Especially if that person has been hurt before. Because then... they have unrational and unrealistic thoughts about every other relationship they’re in after that. They’ve become conductioned to believe that they’ll end up hurt if they put too much trust into their current place. I’m guilty of it.. I know people personally who are guilty of those feelings. But I’ve matured enough to know that not everyone is the same. Anyways... reassurance. Make sure to remind your boyfriend/girlfriend that this is all about you and them. You are the team that gets through shit, and you work together to fix shit.

My last tip I guess is a more heavy one... if things are truly beginning to be a lot for you. And you truly believe that you’re just going to become a burden to your significant other, and that you won’t be able to make them happy enough or such... before you come up with any solutions on your own. Sit them down. And talk about possible ideas and what you think is best. And when you do that. Let them take it in. And let them respond with what points they agree with and what they don’t. This is best to do with no outside influences. Not anyone but you and them. Because here’s the thing... it would not be fair to your significant other if you felt this way and you felt that it may be time to take a chill on the relationship... and then just going for it. Because lemme Tell You... it may seem like a good thing at the time. But this is what comes with that. Disappointment, bitterness, and even more issues now that you must face.

The disappointment from your boyfriend/girlfriend because now they feel like they couldn’t even have a chance to voice their opinions about it all. Bitterness because now your boyfriend/girlfriend feels as if they wasted time and put energy into something that feels one sided. And now the issues of taking a break or a break up... that’s now got you thinking. “Fuck... I might’ve just fucked up more than I thought”. Because now you’re going through a breakup, neither of you wanted to come to, and then there’s the.. “I want you to be happy and you deserve more part” because... do you mean that? Deep down inside, you probably don’t want them finding anyone else. You probably don’t want them to move on. You’ll eventually want things back...... My whole point I’m getting to is going back to the whole conversation thing. It is unfair to not have a conversation that serious, with the one you love. Because you haven’t even asked them if they’d be happy with that choice. Or if things can be helped or fixed. That’s where the selfishness comes into play. And that’s what my brother wanted me to understand. Relationships are fucking teamwork. Not one way. Relationships are meant to go through these things, but only the real ones get through it, because the real ones have that understanding.

I wrote this essay thingy, partly inspired by my brother, and partly inspired by my relationship that just ended. I don’t even like saying it ended, cause I don’t even feel like it’s real. The breakup part I mean. This isn’t meant to talk shit on her either. I never want this to come off like that. But, her and I are stuck in this exact rutt right now, and I want us to get out of it before things truly get bad. I’ve never missed someone like crazy ever. I love this girl more than she understands, and I feel like this all could’ve been avoided, had we taken these precautions that I mentioned in the essay. And I want to try to use these things to get her back. I don’t know if she’ll read this, but I think she will... and I hope she can see where I’m coming from. I feel like I wasn’t given a fair shot at being her boyfriend. Because we’ve been friends for a while now, but I only recently began being with her as a couple on June 21st. July 31st is when we broke up. So in all honesty... i personally feel like I wasn’t given the proper chance to show her that us being together might be what she needs. Fuck it... it’s what we both need. She’s got things going on, and so do I. And that’s why we need each other more than ever. And yeah... we can be friends about it. But where’s the fun in that? Lmao... like.. I ain’t spend all this time chasing your heart to only last a month and ten days. And I feel like it was unfair of her to not at least ask me if I was happy, or if she made me happy, despite all the things going on. I never got to give my true perspective. I tried after the breakup, but of course she’s not gonna turn back then cause she committed to the idea, and of course by then whatever I say will be met with a “yeah but, this” or “yeah but, that”... that’s just how it works. Like I said. IM NOT SAYING ANY OF THIS LIKE “oh she’s a horrible person, and she can go fuck herself and she fucked me over”. NONE OF THAT. I love this girl so fucking much. Every morning I wake up and my heart hurts and aches because I miss her phone calls in the morning. I miss FaceTime calls with her, when we fall asleep on the phone together. I miss the FaceTime calls where we’d screenshot each other despite us yelling “stop” because we would think each other was so adorable and good looking. I miss holding her small hands, and trying to get a kiss from her when she playfully turns her head away from me. So much shit dude. I’ve been trying to give her space but I’m not sure if that’s a smart move on my end. I just know it hurts to do so, because I miss her so much, and I don’t want to see her and I go back to just being friends over this... but okay. I’ve been writing this for an hour now. I hope anyone who finds this, is helped. I’ll be making more of these. Feedback is welcomed. Let me know if I can help you with anything else.

Love 💕...

🅰️

[lifewithanxietyyy]

April 8, 2018

In general, I feel sad, miserable and not myself. I dont want to be treating anyone badly because of my feelings, but sometimes I just can't help it... I think I am just in a rutt. I am not where I want to be in my life.

I never would have expected being 23, still in school, no full time job and living at home. I think because of this I have just been miserable. 

I get it, I am in school obviously I have to work part time, but it doesn't pay my bills and that stresses me out. Part of me just wishes I sucked it up and stayed working at my previous job.. It wouldve been a steady income and I maybe could have saved enough to move out or pay rent somewhere.

I wish i never went back to school. I love my program but all jobs want a ton of experience that i dont have... There are SO many marketing jobs, but no one is willing to hire someone with no experience, which is SOO frustrating. I feel like I have wasted my time and not to mention not hearing back from jobs I applied to is so discouraging. I feel like I have given up on myself.. 

I am 23, well 22 turning 23 in a month, live at home, no full time job/steady income, and tons of debt - it kills me.

I feel like everyone I see has everything figured out, good jobs, houses/apartments, and it makes me so sad. The way I feel just ruins me, I feel like I am letting everyone down. I am a loser and can't do anything right. I understand this may just be a part in my life but I hate it and I just want to fast forward and be happy again..

I miss being myself and I have been feeling this way for too long and I dont want to make people not like me or not want to be with me because I am grumpy and miserable.

I need to get back to myself, find myself and be my happy self. Maybe I need to be more consistent. I lost all my routines I had before I stopped working full time.. maybe I need to start being more invested in myself.. but how do you do that with low self esteem? I still go to the gym but not as consistently as I use to. I need to get more consistent. I feel like I just make excuses for everything that doesn't workout in my life and I need to stop and except it.

[robgrayofficial]

GOOOOOOD AFTERNOON CENTIPEDES!I hope everyone is having a GLORIOUS Saturday afternoon! This is your girl u/IvaginaryFriend here and I'm back with another DANK AF weekly recap of WINNING!As always, if you have missed any past recaps you can catch them at this link heree!─=≡Σ((( つ❀°▽°)つLET’SGO!Sunday, July 1st:🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Congratulations to Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador on becoming the next President of Mexico. I look very much forward to working with him. There is much to be done that will benefit both the United States and Mexico!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Poll: Overwhelming support for President Trump immigration positionsIllegal Alien from Denmark burns 40,000 acres in Colorado. Now in ICE custodyRetiring ICE Chief: No One Has Done More for Border Security than Donald Trump🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:r/politics is a place for really intelligent people.Never ForgetILLEGAL'S LIVES MATTER MORE!I can't believe this even has to be saidBe This GuyMonday, July 2nd:TODAY'S ACTION:6 Month Anniversary of the Tax Cuts and Jobs ActVice President Mike Pence Visits the President of EcuadorThe Vice President Meets Families Affected by the Guatemala VolcanoPresident Trump Meets with the Prime Minister of the Netherlands🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:(Retweeting Homeland Security) Today, DHS, @CBP, and @ICEgov will be sharing stories of the brave men and women who put their lives on the line every day with the sole objective of protecting our nation. Make sure to follow to see stories that have not been widely reported.Today, it was my great honor to welcome Prime Minister Mark Rutte of the Netherlands, to the @WhiteHouse!Many Democrats are deeply concerned about the fact that their “leadership” wants to denounce and abandon the great men and women of ICE, thereby declaring war on Law & Order. These people will be voting for Republicans in November and, in many cases, joining the Republican Party!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:HEAR WHAT BILL CLINTON SAID AND WHAT OBAMA SAIDHUGE: Diablo, Starcraft, WoW developer Mark Kern just walked away. His Twitter has become a literal battlezone with tolerant leftists attempting to shred him with personal attacks.On this day, 242 years ago in Philadelphia, 56 politicians with guts voted in favor of their own death warrant.Eric Trump rushes into NYC traffic to save ailing womanBrian Ross out at ABC News months after botched report Donald Trump, Russia tanked stock marketPRESS BRIEFINGS, INTERVIEWS, RALLIES:Press Beating🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Some pigs are more equal...One year ago today. God bless HanAssSolo. It was an honor to serve in the ranks with you. I will not forget your sacrifices.Holy fucking shit...the left has gone so far left that even Bernie Sanders is not considered to be on the left anymoreI thought ... socialism is radTuesday, July 3rd:TODAY'S ACTION:Presidential Proclamation Honoring the Victims of the Tragedy in Annapolis, MarylandPresident Donald J. Trump Announces Intent to Nominate Personnel to Key Administration PostsPresident Donald J. Trump Welcomes the Prime Minister of the NetherlandsPresident Trump Delivers Remarks at the Salute to Service Dinner🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Crazy Maxine Waters, said by some to be one of the most corrupt people in politics, is rapidly becoming, together with Nancy Pelosi, the FACE of the Democrat Party. Her ranting and raving, even referring to herself as a wounded animal, will make people flee the Democrats!I interviewed 4 very impressive people yesterday. On Monday I will be announcing my decision for Justice of the United States Supreme Court!The economy is doing perhaps better than ever before, and that’s prior to fixing some of the worst and most unfair Trade Deals ever made by any country. In any event, they are coming along very well. Most countries agree that they must be changed, but nobody ever asked!When we have an “infestation” of MS-13 GANGS in certain parts of our country, who do we send to get them out? ICE! They are tougher and smarter than these rough criminal elelments that bad immigration laws allow into our country. Dems do not appreciate the great job they do! Nov.How can the Democrats, who are weak on the Border and weak on Crime, do well in November. The people of our Country want and demand Safety and Security, while the Democrats are more interested in ripping apart and demeaning (and not properly funding) our great Law Enforcement!Many good conversations with North Korea-it is going well! In the meantime, no Rocket Launches or Nuclear Testing in 8 months. All of Asia is thrilled. Only the Opposition Party, which includes the Fake News, is complaining. If not for me, we would now be at War with North Korea!Just out that the Obama Administration granted citizenship, during the terrible Iran Deal negotiation, to 2,500 Iranians - including to government officials. How big (and bad) is that?Now that Harley-Davidson is moving part of its operation out of the U.S., my Administration is working with other Motor Cycle companies who want to move into the U.S. Harley customers are not happy with their move - sales are down 7% in 2017. The U.S. is where the Action is!Wow! The NSA has deleted 685 million phone calls and text messages. Privacy violations? They blame technical irregularities. Such a disgrace. The Witch Hunt continues!Heading to West Virginia to be with my friend, @WVGovernor Jim Justice, at his beautiful Greenbrier Resort. He works hard, does a great job, and raises lots of money for charities!The Washington Post is constantly quoting “anonymous sources” that do not exist. Rarely do they use the name of anyone because there is no one to give them the kind of negative quote that they are looking for. They are a disgrace to journalism but then again, so are many others!After having written many best selling books, and somewhat priding myself on my ability to write, it should be noted that the Fake News constantly likes to pore over my tweets looking for a mistake. I capitalize certain words only for emphasis, not b/c they should be capitalized!(Retweeting FLOTUS) I had a wonderful visit to @WRBethesda today. Thank you to the many dedicated service members & medical staff who take such good care of our men & women in uniform.Thank you, @WVGovernor Jim Justice, for that warm introduction. Tonight, it was my great honor to attend the “Greenbrier Classic – Salute to Service Dinner” in West Virginia! God Bless our Veterans. God Bless America - and HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY TO ALL!Tonight we gathered to celebrate the courageous men and women who make freedom possible: our brave service members, and our wonderful Veterans. For 242 years, American Independence......has endured because of the sweat, blood and sacrifice of the American Armed Forces – the greatest force for peace and justice in the history of the world!Tomorrow, families across our Nation will gather to celebrate the Fourth of July. As we do, we will think of the men & women serving overseas at this very moment, far away from their families, protecting America - & we will thank GOD for blessing us with these incredible HEROES!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:In 1984, the New York Times told us that Donald Trump would be our best president. They forgot.Peter Strzok slapped with subpoena to testify in open setting before CongressMedia Fail: Trump's Approval Rating Improved During Manufactured Border Outrage | BreitbartDemocrats hate America.Nunes: 'We're Not Going to Be Threatened By the Democrats --- They're the Ones That Have Blood on Their Hands'🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Trump continues to erase Obama's racist history! No more discriminating based on a person's skin color that forced schools to favor students from certain races over others. #WalkAway #TheLeftIsRacist"Alexa who's the President of the United States"MR PRESIDENT, BUILD THAT WALL!!!Hung my 8’ Trump Banner over (liberal) Downtown Orlando. Was told to take it down or face a $100 fine: I chose the fine.Wednesday, July 4th:TODAY'S ACTION:President Trump and the First Lady Host a Picnic for Military FamiliesPresident Trump's 2018 Independence Day Message🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Happy Fourth of July....Our Country is doing GREAT!President Trump's 2018 Independence Day MessageThe OPEC Monopoly must remember that gas prices are up & they are doing little to help. If anything, they are driving prices higher as the United States defends many of their members for very little $’s. This must be a two way street. REDUCE PRICING NOW!Happy Birthday, America!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Donald and Melania celebrating!Getting It Done The Right Way — 14K Legal Immigrants Will Become Americans On Independence DayThis is OUR Hill. Happy Independence Day!🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Happy July 4th my american friends!So this is the latest from the pro-illegal immigration - and I think its a good idea for them.THIS IS AMERICA 🇺🇸We The PepeThis is America...Thursday, July 5th:TODAY'S ACTION:President Donald J. Trump Announces Senior Staff AppointmentPresident Donald J. Trump Announces Intent to Nominate Personnel to Key Administration Posts🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Congress must pass smart, fast and reasonable Immigration Laws now. Law Enforcement at the Border is doing a great job, but the laws they are forced to work with are insane. When people, with or without children, enter our Country, they must be told to leave without our........ ... .....Country being forced to endure a long and costly trial. Tell the people “OUT,” and they must leave, just as they would if they were standing on your front lawn. Hiring thousands of “judges” does not work and is not acceptable - only Country in the World that does this!Congress - FIX OUR INSANE IMMIGRATION LAWS NOW!I have accepted the resignation of Scott Pruitt as the Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency. Within the Agency Scott has done an outstanding job, and I will always be thankful to him for this. The Senate confirmed Deputy at EPA, Andrew Wheeler, will... ... ...on Monday assume duties as the acting Administrator of the EPA. I have no doubt that Andy will continue on with our great and lasting EPA agenda. We have made tremendous progress and the future of the EPA is very bright!It was my great honor to join proud, hardworking American Patriots in Montana tonight. I love you - thank you! #MAGAA vote for Democrats in November is a vote to let MS-13 run wild in our communities, to let drugs pour into our cities, and to take jobs and benefits away from hardworking Americans. Democrats want anarchy, amnesty and chaos - Republicans want LAW, ORDER and JUSTICE!Every day, the brave men and women of ICE are liberating communities from savage gangs like MS-13. We will NOT stand for these vile Democrat smears in law enforcement. We will always stand proudly with the BRAVE HEROES of ICE and BORDER PATROL!Thanks to REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP, America is WINNING AGAIN - and America is being RESPECTED again all over the world. Because we are finally putting AMERICA FIRST!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:BREAKING NEWS: German Chancellor Angela Merkel supports cutting tariffs on US cars, in major win for President Trump.Illegal aliens arrested by ICE were responsible for over 48,000 assault offenses in 2017"MAGA ATTACK" on the Front Page of Fox Right Now! We need to keep pushing this!The Madman 🤣: If 'Pocahontas' Warren is in 2020 Race, I'll Give $1M to Her Favorite Charity to Take DNA TestYouTube is actively censoring videos showing alt-left scumbag who assaulted teenager for wearing MAGA hat. Falsely citing that it's "bullying" the man.🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Your President and First LadyPut. This. In. Every. GOP. Ad. Forever.How the World Works, According to LiberalsBREAKING: POCAHONTAS ISSUES SCATHING REBUKE TO TRUMP'S "INDIAN" REMARKSFriday, July 6th:TODAY'S ACTION:Weekly AddressPresident Donald J. Trump Announces White House Appointments🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:JOBS, JOBS, JOBS!Just won lawsuit filed by the DNC and a bunch of Democrat crazies trying to claim the Trump Campaign (and others), colluded with Russia. They haven’t figured out that this was an excuse for them losing the election!(Retweeting Dan Scavino Jr.) “Hispanic-Latino Unemployment Rate Hits Lowest Level on Record in June”(Retweeting Dan Scavino Jr.) “When they lose, Democrats just want to change the rules”(Retweeting Dan Scavino Jr.) “ICE says it seized $43M worth of counterfeit items in Laredo, Texas”(Retweeting Dan Scavino Jr.) “Six months in, TAX CUTS are already providing historic gains for minorities, women, and small businesses”SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Poll: 61% of Registered Voters Say Illegal Aliens With Kids Should Be ‘Sent Home’VP Mike Pence: ICE Will Never Be Abolished Under TrumpU.S. Trade Deficit Hits 19-Month Low Due to Record-High ExportsFlorida man punched, dragged by car because he had a Trump flag in his front yard.LGBT News: And As Usual, Canada is Just Infinitely Better Than The USA🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:KISS with the BTFO!Doing my part....ContrastResist what again?Saturday, July 7th:🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Twitter is getting rid of fake accounts at a record pace. Will that include the Failing New York Times and propaganda machine for Amazon, the Washington Post, who constantly quote anonymous sources that, in my opinion, don’t exist - They will both be out of business in 7 years!Big decision will soon be made on our next Justice of the Supreme Court!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Trump's legal team demands 'factual basis' for Mueller probe before agreeing to interviewUnhinged: Man threatened to kill supporters of Trump, GOP congressman outside campaign office, police say. Mad Maxine would be so proudExclusive here to The_Donald: DNC using crowdsourcing company, ActBlue, to hide identities of donors and breaking FEC law and laundering money. Evidence in the comments...Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez draws Bronx cheer for misleading campaign bio. She claimed she commuted to a school in the suburbs from her family's home in the Bronx borough of New York City. They left the Bronx when she was 5 years old, the bio was changed to "extended family"🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:The force is strong with this one..A chilling look inside a death camp for "undocumented" childrenThe REMIX: More Fake News Sourpusses Poo-Poo Trump's Awesome Korea VidWEEEEEEEW LAD WHAT ANOTHER AMAZING WEEK!Without further ado; some afternoon tunes for you lovely 'pedes:StayGhost TownEmotionlessCudi Montange92 ExplorerWouldn't LeaveMAGA ON PATRIOTS! #robgray