#ruptured cysts and childbirth were easier

[mcskullykins]

I’m terrified of being firedddddd my double ear infection isn’t getting better it’s been a week now and it’s only gotten worse hhhhh

[baezen]

starring role [scene seven]

pairing: bucky barnes x reader word count: 2975 warnings: mentions of domestic abuse/violence, drug abuse, fluff

summary: in which they miss each other

author’s note: for @sunmoonandbucky​​​​​​​‘s 5k constellations challenges

scene six | starring role | end scene

        Y/N was lonely.  She tried to busy herself in her workouts and she readied herself for other roles she’d landed, but it wasn’t the same.  She missed her daily sessions with Bucky in the gym and how they’d push each other.  Sure, she had her trainer who did the same thing, but it just wasn’t the same.  Anna wasn’t Bucky.

        Filming had wrapped a month ago and they’d had the conversation again.  For what it was worth, Y/N had never felt so loved.  Bucky treated the fling like it wasn’t one.  Like they were more than friends with benefits and it had been the best four months either of them had.  When he stayed over, he cooked breakfast in the morning and it was sweet.  They were so domesticated and relaxed around each other that it was a nice change of pace.

        It had been an easy change, adapting to this new relationship.  They already carpooled to set most days, so it made staying over at each other’s places a lot easier.  Y/N had her own drawer at his place, filled with several clothes she’d left or bought over so she had a chance of something to wear the next day.  Bucky had the same set up at her place, except she liked to wear his shirts to bed most nights.  Enjoying the smell of him encasing her like a warm hug, even when he was there to hug her himself.

        Most importantly, they were happy.  Happy with each other.  With the routine they found themselves in.  With how filming was going, and blissfully unaware that the day was coming they’d agreed to say goodbye.  It hit them both harder than they’d expected.

        It was supposed to be an easy fling.  Why did it feel like their hearts were breaking?

        But they’d agreed.  A break was best for both of them, so they could figure out if filming had fucked with their feelings, or if what they felt was real.  And then by the time the Toronto International Film Festival rolled around, they’d get together and talk.

        It was hard.  That was still a whole other month away and they both felt like they were going crazy.  Just wishing TIFF would come around faster so they could be adults and talk, and be together like they so desperately wanted.

        Y/N had watched the interview Bucky had on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.  He’d looked good.  Happy.  Healthy.  Maybe a little tired, but in their line of work it was a given.  She’d shot off a text in support.  He’d talked about his time in prison, and how hard it was being back in society, let alone in the spotlight again.  This was all stuff Y/N had heard before, but she could tell how much lighter he felt getting his chance to tell it to the world.  To publicly apologise and talk about how his actions had ruined his life and those around him.  And how he was just trying to keep his head down, and possibly start a family some day.

        They’d talked about it – if they wanted kids or not.  He was all for it, but Y/N was more reserved.  There was a chance she couldn’t have them, but she was too scared to find out.  After being diagnosed with Endometriosis at a young age, and having a cyst rupture on one of her ovaries that had to be removed, she wasn’t sure that she even wanted them.  The pain from her Endo was enough to put her off childbirth and Bucky had sympathised.

        Y/N enjoyed children.  She loved how happy they got, and how pure they were.  But she didn’t feel as though they were something she ever had the desire of having.  She was more than happy being the fun Aunt who spoiled her friends children.  That was enough for her.

        But she couldn’t help but think about that conversation as he expressed publicly how deep his desire was to have a family.  He’d been supportive and understanding of her decision, now she was going to be supportive of his.

        You’d make an amazing father some day, honey xx

        And he would.  She could see him teaching his little girl how to ride a bike, or taking his little boy to ballet class.  He’d look so good with his own kids in either hand, a ring on his third finger, and a beautiful wife smiling adoringly at him.

        She smiled at the text he sent back.

        You’re too good to me, sweetheart xx

        She typed out ‘I miss you’ but erased the message in the end.  There was so much she wanted to say, but it wasn’t the time.  And it shouldn’t be said over text.  So for now she kept it to herself and cherished the past messages they’d shared.  The filth mixed in with the cute, and crawled into bed with his old college tee on that still smelt like him.  Cuddling a pillow close to her to try and pretend it was Bucky and that she didn’t miss him as much as she did.

       Summer in Los Angeles was hot.  Y/N had been home since filming wrapped, needing to reintegrate herself with life on the West Coast.  Catching up with friends, pimping herself out to interviews.  Keeping herself in the spotlight with beachy pics on Instagram with friends, announcing her role in Isla on Fire, and teasing fans with behind the scenes shots of her on set of All Is Fair.

        Y/N had reached out to Mary within the last week.  She’d given her manager the summer to spend time with her family, but she was always on standby for when Y/N had a public appearance to keep up with.  Utilising Loren, where she could, so she could stay in Brooklyn while still organising Y/N.

        But this was something both women knew Loren couldn’t help with.  So Mary had flown out for the day, to help Y/N face the man who once abused her and her trust, so that she could get the closure she deserved.

        Aaron, her ex, had sent her a letter that arrived within the last week.  She’d hesitated opening it, because she wasn’t sure what it was going to say or if she actually wanted to trouble herself with its contents.  So she’d called Mary and they opened it together.  Y/N had read the letter aloud, and Mary had asked her if she wanted to see him again.  She didn’t have to, she knew that, but part of her wanted to tell him of all the shit she suffered through because of his addiction.

        If he truly was rehabilitated, he needed to acknowledge and apologise for the way he treated her.  That was what she wanted.  Some goddamn acknowledgement that his addiction was the reason behind his abuse.  That he was still seeking help, because what he did was inexcusable.  She wasn’t going to forgive him.  She didn’t know if she ever would.  But she deserved an apology, and if he was man enough to actually sound sincere and regret the way he treated her, then she’d thank him and congratulate him on his sobriety.

        But she couldn’t forgive him.

        That was why she bought Mary along with her to meet him.  He’d been the one to suggest bringing someone she trusted, and meeting in a public place, but she’d changed the location at the last minute.  Something in her gut didn’t tell her it was right, so five minutes before they were supposed to meet, she made Mary text him the new place.  Call it a hunch or whatever, but LA actors were notorious for tipping off the paparazzi with their locations and she didn’t want to be pictured with him anytime soon.

        That was how they ended up at a much more low-key, hole in the wall establishment about ten minutes from where they were supposed to meet.  Thankfully, it seemed like he was alone.  Mary stuck close by, but gave them their privacy, and then he started his spiel.

        Apparently he’d been in rehab for the full 90 days this time, and now he was working on making amends to the relationships he’d broken.  Y/N sat and listened to it all.  About how he didn’t deserve her forgiveness.  About how he was lucky she’d agreed to meet up with him so he could explain.  And then he apologised.  Y/N let herself tear up, but refused to let any more tears fall because of him.  She was happy he got his life back on track, and then he’d dropped a bomb.

        “I’ve been given the role of one of your crew in Isla on Fire.”

        Then he explained that he wanted to talk to her first.  He needed to apologise and tell her about the role first, because he wanted to give her the chance to choose whether she worked with him or not.  She deserved that choice, rather than find out the first day of filming.  Especially with the way he treated her in the past.

        She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do.  She thanked him for his apology, and finally got the chance to say everything she wanted to say.  About how broken she’d been while with him, and how she felt obliged to come back to try and fix him.  About how he’d ruined men for her for years to come, and how hard it was to trust someone in the industry already without her baggage tacked on.

        And she watched him sob with her words.  The detailed recounting of his abuse.  How she was made to feel like it was all her fault.  Like she was the problem, not the drugs.  And how she could bury him with photographic evidence and hospital records if she ever caught wind of it happening to another woman.

        That was enough for her.  Seeing his resolve crumble as he flinched at her words.  The mess he was because of his actions was enough.  She warned him that she’d be professional.  That there’d be no friendly conversations about anything, other than work, and unless they were shooting a scene together, he had to stay away from her.

        She knew Mary was listening.  Preparing a list of potential bodyguards to travel with her from now on, until Isla on Fire was in post-production.  She was grateful to have the woman there with her.

        “I’ve moved on,” she announced, which she knew Mary would bring up once they left.  “Thank you again for apologising.  I don’t think I could ever forgive you for what you did to me, but I’m willing to work with you on Isla on Fire.  Then I never want to see you again.  Thank you for the coffee.  Good luck with the rest of your amends.”

        She wasn’t oblivious to the group of teenage girls snapping a quick photo of her, or approaching her as soon as she was away from the table.  Mary was about to step in, but Y/N stopped her.  She put on her best smile and let each of the girls take a selfie with her.  Knowing that all the photos would end up online sooner or later, but hoping that they’d only post the ones they personally took with her.

        Once they left, Mary had an Uber ready and the women set off back to Y/N’s apartment.

        “Does he know you’ve moved on?”  Mary asked tentatively.  “Or were you meaning you’d moved on with him?”

        “You can say his name,” Y/N pointed out.  “I set the stupid rules.  It’s just hard going from what we had to absolutely nothing as quickly and easily as we did.  TIFF can’t come soon enough.  I miss him.”

        Mary smiled.  She didn’t feel the need to say anything else, other than that once Y/N got home she was going to head back to New York.  She knew Bucky missed Y/N, too, and thanks to her they were talking more frequently again.  She wished she knew the real reason why they decided to take a break, but neither wanted to talk to her about it.  It was like admitting they’d fucked up and given themselves an obstacle to overcome, yet didn’t want to try.

        And thankfully, those girls who’d taken pictures with Y/N and of her with Aaron were starting to circulate online.  Bucky was bound to see them soon enough, and hopefully that was the push they both needed to open the lines of communication again.  She hated seeing them both so in love, but stuck in the idea that they had to wait until TIFF to say something.

        The photos with Aaron would bother him enough that he’d ask her about them.  Mary didn’t want to be in LA when he made some grand romantic gesture, because she knew her brother.  He would.  So she hugged Y/N goodbye and told her she’d be in touch with interviews for a bodyguard.

        Y/N sighed as she settled into the sofa.  She’d showered and ordered takeout to be delivered, which was meant to arrive soon.  Having neglected checking her phone since her coffee with Aaron, she checked her notifications.  The only one standing out amongst thousands was a text from Bucky.

        Baby, I’m losing my mind.  You don’t owe me any explanation, but Aaron Reynolds?  Really??

        Apparently one of the 12 steps to recovery is reaching out and apologising to the people you hurt

        That’s all it was, my love.  He apologised to me.  After everything...you know I couldn’t do that to myself again

        xxx

        Y/N got up to answer the door.  With a sigh, she grabbed some money from her wallet to pay the delivery driver, only to find Bucky standing there with some flowers.

        “I know we said TIFF but I saw those pictures with Aaron fucking Reynolds and next thing I knew I was in the neighbourhood.  I miss you, sweetheart,” he professed.

         Y/N threw her arms around him and buried her face in the crook of his neck.  Inhaling the scent that was oh-so-Bucky for the first time in what felt like forever.

        “I missed you too, honey,” she told him, his free arm snaking around her waist and drawing her closer.  “I thought it would be good for us.  A break.  I was a fucking idiot, Bucky.  I broke my own heart enforcing that rule.”

        “I’m here now, baby,” he replied, kissing the top of her head.  “C’mon.  Give me some proper lovin’, hm.  Didn’t travel all this way to not get a proper kiss.”

        Y/N complied with a laugh.  She was ecstatic to have him back in her arms.  Softly nuzzling her nose against his before sealing his mouth with hers in a kiss that said more than they ever could.  She melted into him like he’d never left, moaning in appreciation as he slid his hand down to squeeze her ass.

        She laughed against his mouth and he smiled.

        “If it’s okay with you I’m gonna need a place to crash for a few days.”

        “Sounds perfect,” she replied.  She wanted him to stay forever.  “I need to update my shirts.  The ones I still have of yours have lost the Bucky smell.”

        “I bought that Henley you love so much.”  He knew she was teasing, but he wasn’t.  He gave her ass a firm pat and stole another kiss.

        Y/N hummed.  “It only looked good on you when you had long hair.”

        “You’re still bitter about that?”

        “Now I have nothing to hold onto when you’re going down on me.  What do you suppose I grab, your ears?  I’ll tear them clean off.”

        Her response made him laugh and he bought his mouth down to his ear.  “Why don’t we figure out the answer to that question right now, hm?  Show me to the bedroom.”

        Bucky’s awake before Y/N the next morning, and it’s like he never left.  Freshly brewed coffee is poured into two mugs and he’s in the midst of finishing breakfast.  Plating the meals just as he feels her creep up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing a kiss to his shoulder blade.

        “Hi,” she softly said.

        He replies just as softly.  “Morning, sweetheart.”

        “Missed this.  Missed you so much, baby.�� Don’t agree with me when I say we need a break again, unless it’s a break together, okay?”

        He chuckled.  “You have my word,” he assured her.  “What are your plans today?”

        “Go back to bed for another hour.  Maybe do a boxing class this evening,” she replied.  “You gonna come back to bed with me or were you literally in the neighbourhood.”

        He turned around in her arms and cupped her face with his hands, pressing a kiss to the tip of her nose.  “I got a shoot today downtown.  Could be interesting if you tagged along.  Maybe I’ll join you at that boxing class afterwards.”

        “Are you going to be shirtless in this photoshoot?”

        “Can’t imagine so.”

        “Cancel.  We’ll stay in bed all day,” she said, stretching up to kiss him.  He let his hands fall to her waist, humming against her lips.

        “Tomorrow,” he promised.  “I’m here for as long as you want me here.  I’ll get this shoot out of the way and then I’ll happily be your toy boy and let you have your way with me.”

        “Okay,” she agreed.  “Photoshoots are fun.  I could be interested in tagging along and distracting you, if not only to see you in your element.  You look good in front of a camera.”

        “No, I will not make a sex take with you.”

        “Can’t beat the All Is Fair soft porn, can we?”