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honeyfarts666 · 4 months ago

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An Ocean of Tears

A Sauron Redemption Fic

Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Animal Friends, Secret Child

Chapter 1: Prolog: A Begining Centuries in the Making Chapter 2: Odd Companions Chapter 3: A Young Adventurer Chapter 4: The Wanderer Child Chapter 5: A Procession of Elves Chapter 6: A Great Adversary Chapter 7: The Last Day in Rivendell Chapter 8: The Arrow Chapter 9: Don't Let Go

New! Chapter 10: A Brief Reunion on Ao3 or under the cut ↓

Torture Before the Sublime a smutty "deleted scene" (Also I made a mood board for Halbrand’s Garden)

Chapter Excerpt:

Halbrand rose slowly. He had no desire to startle her but the two of them were too far away to have a proper conversation. And that was what he needed to happen: a proper conversation. It was impossible to avoid now.

@helenvader @rebelrebelwrites @coraleethroughthelookingglass @restless-tides @ringsofpowerfans @starladyy @perplecta @shia-the-buff @klynnvakarian @eowyn7023 @ringsofpowersource

Halbrand had imagined his reunion with Galadriel thousands of times in thousands of ways. Sometimes in a deep forest, the golden leaves of autumn falling around them like stars burning with enough passion to match their own. Sometimes it was on a battlefield in the Land of Ash, smoke twisting and concealing until they finally found each other. Sometimes in his home in the Greenwood where she would find him toiling away for the good of everyone but himself. And sometimes in the little garden where they last parted ways, the babbling stream soothing their hurts and time mending their hearts. He yearned for their reunion. But, in his soul, he couldn’t escape the reality that she would never trust him, even if she did love him.

In all his years of longing, he had never once dreamed it would be like this.

He watched as Estion ran to Galadriel and threw his arms around her. She tenderly brushed the hair from his face and held him gently. He didn’t dare breathe lest he disturb their reunion. The sight was more powerful and moving than anything he had ever witnessed. More lovely than Telperion and Laurelin. More brilliant than the Silmarills. More divine than even Luthien herself! This beautiful, radiant woman had given him a child as beautiful as she. He had never felt more unworthy but he never wanted the sight before him to end.

The moment shattered when Galadriel saw him. Her body language instantly changed. Her eyes grew wide with fear. She pulled Estion closer and wrapped her arms around him protectively. Estion also noticed the change in her. He glanced between Galadriel and Halbrand, failing to see the danger that she saw. “Mother!” Estion said with annoyance as he attempted to free himself from Galadriel’s iron grip. “It’s okay! He’s my friend.”

“Your friend?” Galadriel asked incredulously.

With slow, cautious steps, he walked toward them. At that moment, part of him wished he had fled before Galadriel woke. He had saved her life but, knowing her, that would do nothing to improve her mood. He sat down again a few feet away from them, his heart pounding and his mind racing. He folded his too-long limbs, cursing every choice he made when forming his body. Curse his pride! Curse his naivety! Curse his panging heart! He had no idea what he was going to say. What could he say that wouldn’t instantly set off the fire that also burned in her? He managed to mutter, “How is your shoulder?” His voice cracked. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Stiff,” was Galadriel’s hoarse response. Her wide eyes were glued to him, never leaving him even for an instant.

It was too much for Halbrand. He could barely meet her eye for a second let alone hold her gaze. He took a shuddering breath, “So…”

“So…” Galadriel replied.

He managed to look at her for a moment. There was a soft blush spreading down her cheeks. It seemed that she was embarrassed too. That at least was a small comfort to Halbrand. Though his shame was certainly much deeper than hers. He was the one who had left her. He was the one who abandoned her and their child. He scratched his neck, anything to fill the awful silence that stretched on like the void.

Estion wouldn’t stop glancing between them. He had sat with Estion all night until the boy had fallen asleep. He couldn’t believe how easily Estion trusted him. The boy didn’t hesitate at all when he curled up in Halbrand’s arms and drifted into the world of dreams. He had imagined such a moment. The weight of his child resting against his chest. Feeling his breath come in and out in that steady rhythm. He hadn’t slept a wink. He didn’t dare. Only Eru knew if he would ever have the chance to hold Estion again. He didn’t think it was likely. Not with Manwë’s judgment looming ever nearer.

A thought occurred to him in the dark of the night. A vision came into his mind of a glorious palace, glowing with the light of the sun. He stood in the grand hall adorned in robes of gold and white. And next to him, stood Estion, a few years older and a few inches taller. He could not hear any words spoken, but in the vision, Estion looked at him with rapturous devotion. As any son would regard his beloved father.

At least, so he imagined. He had no idea what the relationship between fathers and sons was supposed to be. He recalled a distant memory, from his days in Valenor, when he had spied upon Fëanor and Finwë. The affection Finwë had for Fëanor was plain to see. Jealousy had run deep in his veins that day. Not only was Fëanor’s feeble smith work prized above his own, but he also had the bond of family guarding him, caring for him, loving him.

Illuvatar framed himself as the father of the Maia and Valar. But Illuvatar was a higher being. A being more unfathomable to him than the Valar were to mortal men. He had never felt loved by Eru. Only favored or, more often, unfavored. It was a cold relationship if it even existed at all. And the Valar’s complete ban on sexual relations between Maia only made matters worse. Marriages were only permitted upon approval. The Valar preferred for their servants to be available to them, not tending to their own families. Aulë, in particular, rarely allowed his acolytes to wed. It was a solemn existence driven by lonely, stoic devotion. Never building for himself, but only for the glory of a god who didn’t even recognize his personhood.

Morgoth reveled in fornication. He loved to assign who was to fuck whom. He particularly loved to breed new, unspeakable creatures. The Valar would have never guessed but Angband was filled to the brim with children. From orcs to dragons to werewolves, all servants of the Dark Lord spawned new generations of slaves. But Morgoth had never allowed a child to take root in any of Sauron’s partners. No, he would not allow such a child. Perhaps Morgoth was worried it would have inspired notions of grandeur in Sauron. More likely, he thought, it was Morgoth’s unrelenting fear of Luthien. Half-Maia. Half-Elf. Luthien was unlike any other creature in Arda. He certainly hadn’t expected her to be so powerful and neither had Morgoth. After the theft of the Silmarill, the Dark Lord performed his anger but in his heart, he became terrified of what the half-breeds could wreak upon him.

Now, after so many centuries of solitude, Halbrand had a family. A child and a woman who, though she wasn’t his wife, depended on him. The heavy burden of this new position weighed on him. He felt a drive to provide for them everything they needed or could ever want. He had told Galadriel he would make her a queen. No she-elf would have been so radiant in a crown of light. Nor any of them so deserving as she. And he would make their son a prince. They would never sleep in the dirt again. Nor would anyone dare whisper against them.

In his heart, he was tempted. It would be so easy. He wouldn’t even have to take the ring. He could guide Estion to do everything. It would be his kingdom, after all. The boy had already proved himself a natural magician. With him to guide Estion and Galadriel to temper them, they would rule Middle Earth with grace and dignity, ushering in a new age of peace and enlightenment.

Halbrand’s grip around Estion’s arm tightened and he swallowed hard. He wanted that future. He wanted his family to be safe and secure. He wanted them to have the high positions they so deserved. Halbrand released a shuddering breath. It was all he could do to stop the sob that threatened to ring out from his soul. He knew that future could never be. Galadriel had made that clear long ago. His constant quest for power was what frightened her the most. She would never allow their son to be pulled into any plot of his. Estion looked so much like him. Maybe there were other similarities between them. Maybe Estion was also susceptible to the sway of darkness. Maybe Galadriel was right to keep his terrible influence away from their son.

None of it mattered; Manwë would find him soon.

Estion had woken with the first light of dawn. He seemed startled at first like he didn’t remember where he was. But when they met eyes, Estion smiled and relaxed. He stretched and twisted. And then he was up and ready for the new day. He had an unrelenting spirit. The boy had been through so much hardship yet he was the most joyful and curious creature Halbrand had ever known. They spent much of the early morning watching a procession of ants carry food to their hill. Estion cheered them on and left them bits of his meager breakfast. When Halbrand gave the ants some of his own food, Estion gave him a smile that could have melted all the snow in the frozen north.

Halbrand wanted nothing more than to tell him the truth. To pull the boy into his embrace and say the words, “You are my son!” But he restrained himself. What for, he couldn’t say. Manwë would arrive at any moment and then he would never see Estion again. Yet, each time he looked at Galadriel, still asleep on the clearing floor, he knew he could not betray her. Not again. He would abide by her wishes even to his own doom.

Yet, now that she was awake, he doubted she would give him his heart’s desire.

Estion glanced between them, turning his head back and forth to study each of them. Eventually, he said, “I met him in the Greenwood. When… I used your ring.” With that, he pulled Nenya from his finger and placed it in Galadriel’s hand. As he did, it seemed to Halbrand that an imperceptible ringing ceased. Whatever unintentional magic Estion had used to guard the grove had ended. It sent a shiver through Halbrand and made him feel exposed.

Galadriel examined the ring before slipping it back onto her finger. “Yes, that’s right,” she murmured. “You’ve been playing with things that are not toys.”

“I know! I’m sorry!” Estion cried. “I didn’t mean to. I just put it on and it took me to the Greenwood and then I found Halbrand.”

Galadriel paused for a moment, clearly thinking through her words carefully. “And what did you talk about in the Greenwood?” She glanced back to Halbrand. She was trying to figure out how much Estion knew. Halbrand felt his cheeks warming into a blush. Just as he suspected, no trust remained between them.

“Mostly about Teonwer the cat,” Estion quickly replied, not picking up on Galadriel’s subtle tones. “And then Halbrand told me about being a Maia.”

Galadriel’s eyebrows raised in alarm. But before she could say anything, Estion cut in, “He’s a different Halbrand! I think the ring must have mixed them up. Because, when I put the ring on, I was thinking about how I wanted to find my father. But the ring brought me to this Halbrand instead.”

Halbrand didn’t know what to make of Estion’s words. A different Halbrand? Unless… He glanced back to Galadriel. Her cheeks burned bright red, and her eyes glistened with a sensation that he was all too familiar with: shame. And then the realization hit him. This stubborn elf had only told their son half of the truth! She told Estion that his father was a mortal man. To be fair, she had believed he was a mortal when Estion was conceived. But it did not erase her lie.

“I had no idea there were so many Halbrands walking Arda,” Halbrand laughed. “If I had known, perhaps I would have chosen a different name.”

Galadriel stiffened at his tone and pulled Estion close again. “You have many names,” she said harshly. “I believe Deciever is one.”

Halbrand set his jaw. She was testing him. Pushing him. Punishing him. She wanted him to snap, to shout, and show his anger. To show what he truly was. She wanted her worst suspicions confirmed so she could be done with him for good. She would have to try harder.

“The same could be said of you, Galadriel,” he murmured.

Galadriel lifted her chin and straightened her back. “What else was I to do?” She shot at him, “You left me with little choice.”

Halbrand took a heavy breath. He needed to release his pride or she would never forgive him. He looked to the heavens. Through all the long years of his solitude, he had come to believe that Eru had not abandoned him. That the light of the One may yet favor him again. He was not one for prayers but with his soul, he cried out for guidance. Then he looked at Estion. The boy’s face was turned into a frown, clearly perplexed by the conversation happening around him. He looked confused and unsure and perhaps a bit frightened. A mirror image of his mother.

Halbrand sighed, “Well, what do you choose now?”

Galadriel furrowed her brow. “What?”

“What do you choose now?” he repeated. “What do you wish me to do?”

Galadriel just stared at him. Her jaw opened and then shut again quickly, thinking better of whatever she nearly said.

“If you wish for me to leave now, I will,” Halbrand continued.

Still, she said nothing. She only stared at him with her piercing blue eyes. She may as well have been a witch for how her look enchanted him. He had forgotten what an astounding physical effect her eyes had on him.

“Tell me how you came to be here,” She demanded as she directed her burning gaze upon him. Estion too turned to him with a quizzical brow.

He cleared his throat again. By Eru, he couldn’t remember the last time he had been nervous. Yet, here he was, with his stomach churning and sweat dripping from his palms. “I uh… flew here.”

Galadriel frowned but Estion’s eyes lit up. “Maia can fly?” He asked with eagerness.

Halbrand couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips. “Not without help,” he answered, “I met a Great Eagle a week ago.”

Estion gasped, “A Great Eagle?”

Halbrand nodded. He looked at Galadriel and saw her pursed lips and judgmental stare. She didn’t need to say anything. She didn’t believe him. “Galadriel?” he asked softly.

Her jaw tightened as he said her name. He instantly wished he had remained silent but there was no taking it back now. “Do you honestly expect me to believe that?” she asked with spite lacing each word.

Halbrand didn’t know how to respond. Of course, she had no right to trust him. The last time they spoke, he had nearly drowned her and left her for dead. He knew she wouldn’t die. He hadn’t ever wanted that. He had been hurt by her rejection and he reacted like a spoiled child. And then there was the matter of his deceit. His lie of omission. His careful words designed to make her believe he was mortal. Now, she would never believe any word that came out of his mouth and it was his own fault. He sighed, “No, I didn’t think you would even let me talk this much.”

The hard frown on her face softened slightly but didn’t relent. Estion’s face twisted into a mess of confusion. He glanced back and forth between them constantly as if he couldn’t decide whose reaction he was more interested in.

“I never intended to disturb you,” Halbrand continued, “Either of you. I only came because you were at death’s door. I couldn’t let that happen. Not when it was in my power to stop it.”

Galadriel nodded as she touched the wound on her shoulder. “So, what now?”

Halbrand furrowed his brow. “What now?”

“Yes,” Galadriel replied, clearly losing patience, “What now?”

“I, uh… I haven’t thought about it,” he muttered, cursing himself and his lack of foresight. It was completely unlike him to be unprepared. Yet, here he was, sounding like an idiot. Or worse, like he was trying to manipulate his way into their lives. He cleared his throat and said, “I wanted to ask, why are you on the run? What happened?”

Galadriel took a breath to steady herself. She took her time, calculating her words carefully. Finally, she replied, “Gil-Galad knows who you truly are.”

Halbrand furrowed his brow. Why would that affect them? Unless… He glanced at Estion again, taking in the truly striking resemblance between them: high cheekbones, light brown hair falling in gentle curls, and those unusual green eyes. The horrible realization hit him in the chest like a hammer. “Gil-Galad persecutes you… because I… because of me?” he asked.

Galadriel nodded solemnly.

Anger filled him. A seething, white-hot rage simmered just below the surface of his skin. The only thing keeping it contained was his desperate need to show Galadriel how much he had changed. Neither she nor Estion deserved to experience his anger. He wouldn’t allow his short temper to come between them again. He swallowed his anger, forcing it down. But he wouldn’t let it go. He would save it for when he met Gil-Galad face to face.

So far, Galadriel seemed intent not to mention the family ties that bound the three of them together. He couldn’t blame her. Her priority was protecting Estion, as was his. But now, having to dance around the subject was more than he could bear.

The whole time, Estion rested his head against his mother’s shoulder and studied Halbrand. It was like the boy could see past his skin and peer at his soul. Halbrand wondered what the boy saw. What lay beneath? Was it anything worthwhile? Anything that could be saved? Someone worth saving? Someone who could be a good father?

Silence settled again with only the babbling of the stream and birds chirping to break it until Teonwer started screeching from the bushes. Halbrand had nearly forgotten the cat. He had been so focused on Estion and Galadriel, that he hadn’t given a thought to his other companion at all.

In an instant, the blurred form of Teonwer emerged from the undergrowth. And with him, was another cat with white fur. They tumbled out into the daylight, hissing and clawing at the other. It was a fierce battle. The other cat tried to run back to the tree line but Teonwer pounced and pinned him down. The other cat let out a mournful yowl.

“Teonwer!” Halbrand shouted to his friend.

Teonwer looked up with a viciousness Halbrand had never seen before. Teonwer meowed aggressively.

“What do you mean ‘an enemy?’” He asked.

Before Teonwer could reply, Estion said, “That’s Ruorul! He’s Gil-Galad’s cat.”

Halbrand raised his brow, “I see.” He leaned over and picked up Ruorul by the scruff of his neck. Ruorul yowled and tried to shake himself free from Halbrand’s grip. “We can’t have any servant of Gil-Galad running free in our midst,” Halbrand said.

“Don’t hurt him!” Estion exclaimed. The boy jumped to his feet, grabbed Ruorul, and held him tightly. Instantly, Ruorul calmed and turned into the gentlest creature in all of Arda. He tucked his head against Estion’s shoulder and meowed pathetically.

Teonwer meowed three times quite seriously. Halbrand shooshed him. This was no time for Teonwer’s petty dispute with another feline.

“What is he saying?” Galadriel asked.

Halbrand was momentarily stunned that Galadriel trusted him enough to interpret but he cleared his throat and replied, “He says that Ruorul cannot be trusted.”

Teonwer meowed three more times, continuing his earlier complaint.

Halbrand interpreted, “He says, Ruorul was trying to alert Gil-Galad’s men.”

Galadriel instantly became alarmed, “Are they near?”

Teonwer meowed once.

Halbrand’s heart dropped into his stomach. “He says, yes,” Halbrand confirmed. He swallowed hard. If Teonwer was correct, then they were all in grave danger.

Ruorul hissed venemously at Tenower.

“Stop it!” Estion told Ruorul firmly.

Ruorul turned to Estion and hissed again. He lashed out with his claws extended and swiped at Estion’s face, leaving a scratch on his chin.

Estion yelped and dropped Ruorul. The cat ran into the trees at lightning speed. Tenower made to chase him down but Halbrand stopped him. “Let him go, Tenower. The damage is done.”

“What did he say?” Galadriel asked again, fear growing in her eyes.

Halbrand didn’t dare waste time and told her bluntly, “Ruorul did alert Gil-Galad’s men. They will be here any moment.”

Galadriel gazed at him with a frightening intensity. “We are not safe here,” she said softly.

Halbrand nodded. “We need to leave.” He glanced around the clearing. They had only one horse. Galadriel and Estion could ride but he would have to walk or run if need be. “Estion,” he called to the boy, “Go to the stream and fill the water skins. We must hurry!” Estion nodded and raced to the stream.

Halbrand turned to Galadriel, “Can you ride?”

“If I must,” Galadriel murmured. She started to stand but lost her footing and slipped back to the ground. Halbrand leaned forward and offered her his hand. She looked at his hand and then at his eyes. “You truly love him, don’t you?”

Halbrand’s heart stuttered. “How could I not?” he asked in turn.

With a nod, Galadriel took his hand and he pulled her to her feet. She looked up at him, her hand still in his. Her lips nearly turned up into a smile as she looked upon him. He could see the fondness she still felt for him as well as the gratefulness for what he had done. She opened her mouth to speak but her eyes suddenly glanced to the trees. And then he heard the sound of a dozen swords being drawn.

Notes:

Hey all!! I'm back with another cliffhanger!

I was struggling with this chapter for months because I just couldn't decide how I wanted this to go down. Eventually, I got most of it down but I was still unsure of where to take Halbrand's mental state. Fortunately, the new season has revived me and made me remember what I find so compelling about his character: his struggle of wanting to be loved but also craving power and control. I hope you enjoyed the temptation sequence as much as I did!

I felt like I was getting a little too ooc with him in some previous chapters and I wanted to get back to basics: struggle, temptation, heartache, yerning, angst, etc. You know, the shit we are all here for!

As always, this fic is open to criticism of the literary variety. And all comments are encouraged! I love hearing from all of you! It really makes my day to know that y'all enjoy my little story.

#saurondriel #sauron fic #rop fanfiction #moodboard #sauron #rop #ropedit #myfic #mymoodboard #an ocean of tears

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